#no this does not mean that i am excusing or condoning his actions/behavior

[ultimaid]

Genuine question, I don't mean any offense, but what do you see in Sounia? He's such a creep to her.

he is! and i don’t condone his behavior toward her in any way, i do find it creepy and the fact that she in-game wants him dead is honestly pretty funny. this post is NOT me making excuses for canon!souda’s actions.

for me it’s more like… i see a lot of painful awkwardness in souda. a lot of “oh god i don’t know how to interact with people” that comes with his obvious neurodiversity + having grown up in an abusive environment. and i think that mirrors sonia’s own awkward nature, in a way, she’s just much more graceful and poised about it. in the end they’re both huge nerds and i think that, once souda is able to realize “hey!! this is NOT how you treat someone you like!!” and gain a little empathy, they could have a really intriguing dynamic.

it’s about the growth for me — about souda’s growth, sure, about him learning how to interact with the people around him in a way that doesn’t put them off immediately, but also about sonia’s growth and being able to set boundaries (which she never clearly does in the game). it’s very much NOT a “using the woman for the man’s growth” sort of thing for me — it’s about both of them! i think they could get along!

pluuuus, i haven’t seen the dr3 anime but i think they are friends in it, based on what i’ve heard! or at least closer than they are in the game, which makes me happy.

in the end it’s more of a hypothetical dynamic than anything else, but i think they could have fun being silly and nerdy together. once souda realizes she’s just another person and once she feels comfortable setting boundaries with him i just think it could be something interesting to explore.

(i’m also weak for silly puppy-love crushes that grow into actual respect and care.)

one of my favorite takes on their relationship and how it could develop postcanon is in this fic, pygmalion effect. major TW for a few things in the fic (all of which i believe the author tagged), plus the last chapter is just porn, but it’s genuinely such a fascinating take on the sounia and sonsoudam dynamics.

EDIT: goodness i didn’t explain myself well at all in this post i am so sorry. please let me know if you need any further clarification, i love talking about these two.

[esther-dot]

I agree with the anon who was agreeing with the anon (ha!) that we shouldn't use a character's trauma to diminish or excuse their actions and crimes, but I want to point out that our corner of the fandom can be guilty of this, too. Cersei and Lysa's trauma is often held up as more important than the trauma of other villains, as if they somehow deserve more compassion and leniency for their crimes than the others, which is something I disagree with (certainly they don't deserve more hatred or criticism than the other villains either). For that matter, and I know this will be an extremely controversial thing to say, but I also think we sometimes cross the line into using Catelyn's trauma over Bran's accident to diminish the cruelty of what she said to Jon ("Well it was just that one time, and she was so tired and upset..."). I'm not saying any of this to make anyone feel bad. Our corner of the fandom is loving and kind and usually makes a sincere effort to be fair. But we're human, and we have our own biases, and sometimes we can unwittingly slide into the same behaviours that are so frustrating to see in the rest of the fandom. It takes vigilance and the occasional honest self-examination to make sure we don't become like them.

In summary, we should have compassion for all abuse victims, including the ones we dislike, and we should at the same time be careful not to use that compassion to excuse the actions of the villains we do like. And last but not least, Sansa fans are wonderful, my beloveds.

Sansa fans are wonderful! 💗

I received several responses to that post and another one also pointed out what they felt was hypocrisy in how we respond to Cersei’s abuse in comparison to other villains, so, you’re not alone in your feelings! (@ my other anon, I will respond to you as well, so look away or don’t spontaneously combust when you read this 😬)

I’ll just say again, it’s very difficult to respond to asks like this because I have such a different impression of what Sansa fans do, I am either reading the same thing and taking it in a totally different way, or I am just not seeing the content that is troubling you. In general, I think that we have to think about the author’s purpose in writing what he does and also the purpose of the fan when reading what they write. As in, is the author saying, “here is why this person is behaving this way” or is the author condoning that behavior? Fans disagree on that a lot. Is the fan writing the meta saying, “yes, Cersei and Lysa are villains, but let’s all acknowledge how they were mistreated” or are they saying “...and because I sympathize they are no longer villains.”

When I think about what I’ve seen written about Cersei and Lysa, it’s trying to push against the fandom, and even against the author at times, and say, “these women deserve sympathy too. It doesn’t change who they are, but their past should allow us to see their humanity.” Sympathy is the end goal. My issue with the fandom at large is that they go further and want to use sympathy to argue something else, want to move, say, the Hound from one role and shift him into another. Suddenly, sympathy means pretending he didn’t assault Sansa, he wasn’t a threat, she didn’t think he might kill her. I don’t feel like it’s more important to sympathize with Cersei than the Hound, I just don’t have an issue with sympathizing with her when that’s all anyone asks, but I do have a problem that half the fandom rewrote who the Hound is because they sympathized. To me, that is a radically different thing to do.

Now that you mention it, I can see how my resentment of how fans woobified the Hound (and therefore rewrote Sansa’s story and denied her trauma), means I do dislike discussing his trauma because I know how it is used by the fandom. I suppose my reaction means that I have a much higher tolerance for reading takes that are incredibly sympathetic to Cersei, because I know where that begins and ends, her story isn’t being distorted beyond recognition, we all get it. But, I do see how that can begin to feel like we’re giving more weight to her trauma than another character, so I’ll keep that in mind.

But something for people who share your concerns to remember is that, the discussion of how women are treated in Westeros interests a lot of us so we hone in on that more than specific acts of violence. It isn’t that we think their trauma is more important exactly, it’s part of a discussion overall that we’re interested in. The series is quite violent, most characters have suffered violence, but I think our corner likes to talk about the suffering of women, specifically, likely as an extension of our real life concerns. I don’t talk about the physical abuse Sansa suffered as much as I do her forced marriage. That’s objectively weird if I were interested in weighing suffering against suffering, and deciding who has the greatest trauma, but it’s a specific kind of terror for women to lose bodily autonomy, to be married off or forced to have children or forced to undergo an abortion on the whim of the man who happens to be in charge of you at the time. I’m guessing that’s why certain forms of abuse/trauma preoccupy us. We’re interested in a larger conversation that drives some of what we’re examining in ASOIAF.

Something that draws me in to certain villains rather than others is that I always liked feminist criticism of literature, so taking a story and looking at it in the most compassionate way you can to the female villain, is a path I’m very used to. This applies to Cersei and Lysa, not really Dany as much because the author and the fandom already is very sympathetic to her. Of course, I have always been very responsive to female suffering in entertainment, so I truly feel for Dany, in spite of what she does. Reading about this little girl being abused and raped, the loss of her child, her desire  for home…I feel for her in a way that I don't for Tyrion or the Hound. That doesn’t change the fact that I think she’s done bad things and will do more bad things, it just means there are facets to her and my experience reading her. When I read about Cersei being forced to marry, her grief for her children...I feel for her. I like those facets to who she is, and I appreciate people talking about them.

I did a whole long post about the Catelyn and Jon scene which of course, I can't find now, and I think it's one of those instances when we're meant to feel for both characters. People like to pick sides, it's so instinctive it's a marketing ploy to pit two things against each other to drive sales, so we really have to put effort into looking at all the realities that exist in any given scenario, not just the one of the POV character. To me, the point of that scene was the grief and pain of each, they pain they feel over Bran, the pain they cause each other, their shared love for Bran that could and should connect them, but it doesn’t, because of the situation, their society. Because the reality of Cat’s world and the very real threat Jon is to her children (not because he would ever hurt him, we know he wouldn’t), isn’t widely recognized as a valid thing, people miss the entirety of Cat’s perspective, and the fact that the story isn’t a straight up condemnation of her concerns/feelings. In that specific scene, Cat’s words were cruel, but Martin didn’t intend for the fandom to react the way they did and declare Cat abusive and hate her. (I think he’s far more forgiving of certain things than we are, so I try to remind myself of that.) And, it’s important to the story that Jon is unwanted in Winterfell although he is a beloved brother to most of the Starks. It’s important to the story that his longing for his mother is near the surface, a never satisfied need, even though he’s part of a family with a devoted, caring mother. There are reasons Martin wrote the Cat and Jon interaction the way he did to communicate things to the reader and lay groundwork for other things, and I really don’t think the takeaway was ever meant to be what the fandom has settled on which seems to be: that bitch.

So, I guess the issue here is, sometimes the fandom wants to argue right/wrong when we’re meant to be asking how the author is using this? Why was this included? Do we approve of the author’s choice? Even, we don’t like this so this is what should have happened! And depending on what you’re focusing on or think the next person is arguing, we come to very different conclusions about the characters or about each other based on how we speak about the characters.

Again, I’m flying blind here because I really don’t know the examples you’re thinking of, possibly it was my post about Cat! But, even though I don’t feel that what you described accurately reflects my experience in our fandom, I am going to keep your perspective in mind, as I know I have my own tendencies that predispose me in one direction. I prefer villains where the threat is something other than molestation/sexual assault. That means, even though I know Cersei is a villain, I know she does bad things, in the Sansa context (which is mostly how I view other characters), I find it much easier to deal with Cersei, because I'm not sitting here panicked the entire time. Since the threat she is to Sansa isn't as upsetting to me, I can be more sympathetic. However, now that you’ve mentioned the issue regarding how we treat her, I will try to be self-aware.

I absolutely agree that the author wants us to be sympathetic to all these characters and that, “Our corner of the fandom is loving and kind and usually makes a sincere effort to be fair.” --they really are and do! I have had so much fun in this corner of the fandom.

Thank you for the message, anon. <3

anon this anon is agreeing with

first anon on the abuse victim issue

[carolap53]

“Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.” Colossians 4:6 (ESV)

Sometimes God’s Word can feel like an impossible order, don’t you think?

Take today’s verse for example: Paul tells us we are to let our words “always be gracious” (Colossians 4:6). The NIV actually reads “full of grace.” Full of it. As in, not just sometimes gracious. A full atmosphere of graciousness even when the conversations are hard.

And that's just about the moment when I admit I want to lie down on the floor and loudly declare, “But I am not Jesus!” Ugh.

I don’t know about you, but sometimes gracious speech seems impossible for me. When someone's hurtful words have landed like daggers in my heart, I want to defend myself. Maybe even attack back a bit. And point out how the other person is misunderstanding my intentions. Not offer them gracious words. And even my most enjoyable relationships have moments where this doesn't feel completely possible … Relationships are just messy.

I’ve been thinking about all of this as I’ve been on a recent journey of learning how to set and keep healthy boundaries in my relationships. It’s not easy. It’s hard to examine places of dysfunction, distress, distrust and maybe even destruction within relationships with those you love.

When we’re in a difficult relationship or even a destructive one that isn’t sustainable, especially if addictions are involved, there does need to be a measure of grace and compassion. Because sometimes what is actually driving unhealthy behaviors in people is underlying shame or a lack of peace deep inside. Many times it’s both.

What I’m not saying is that, because of grace and compassion, we condone or enable others' actions and stay in situations where there’s harm being done. But what I am saying is that, as we take a step back, we can consider having grace and compassion for whatever caused the original root of shame and chaos in their heart that then drove them to try to act and react in such unhealthy ways. We don’t want the hurt they’ve caused to make us betray who we really are. We aren’t cruel or mean-spirited, so we don’t want to bring any of that into our boundary setting.

I also want to have grace because I don’t have life so figured out that I never act and react in unhealthy ways. I have my own issues that I need to work on and work through with counseling. Learning to have grace and compassion appropriately, while still also having boundaries, continues to be one of my biggest lessons.

So how can we really be gracious without excusing away hurtful behavior we're experiencing or avoiding honest conversations we need to have?

We can bring truth into an atmosphere of grace. We can express what needs to be expressed, set a boundary that needs to be set, say what needs to be said and stay completely committed to the reality of truth.

But we can also foster it all in an environment of grace that never dishonors the other person. We can tell the hard truth, but we don't have to say it in a harsh way.

This doesn’t mean we don’t say the hard things or set boundaries. It means we recognize we want conflict resolution instead of conflict escalation.

So, yes, Paul's words to the Colossians remind us that our words should be gracious. But he also adds a clarifier that our words should be “seasoned with salt” (Colossians 4:6). In rabbinic tradition, this phrase would have been associated with wisdom. Paul was reminding the Colossians they were called to be people filled with godly wisdom. He wanted their words, and ours, to represent Jesus. And in order to do this, we can follow His model to pursue both grace and truth together.

I don’t know who puts grace to the test in your life or what conversations you need to be reminded to bring grace into. But I do know the Holy Spirit is willing to help us choose truth-filled words presented in a gracious way if only we will pause long enough to ask Him for help. Even as we have hard conversations and implement necessary boundaries, may our words reflect that we know Jesus, love Jesus and spend time with Jesus.

Father God, I want to pause for a moment and thank You for Your Son, Jesus. He could have held back His grace. But instead, He chose to pour out every single drop for me on the cross. So remind me that I give grace because I so desperately need it. Help me bring an attitude of grace into even the hardest of conversations. Give me wisdom in how to hold grace and truth together as I navigate difficult relationships in my life. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Biblegateway

[marshmalleaux-queen]

Does anyone want to hear about the extensive headcanon I have for Ghirahim in a pathetic (but non-serious and all in good fun) attempt to somewhat justify his ruthlessness and villainy

i’m pretty sure the answer is no so I’m gonna spare you the headache by giving you the option to hear it under the cut or just keep scrolling bc it’s 1 am and I’m sleep- and sick-drunk and just babbling random shit

So a headcanon I've always had for Ghirahim - mostly (and shamelessly) to make up for the fact that my self ship with him would absolutely sink if we went strictly by canon - is that even though he's Demise's sword and does things exclusively to please his master, it doesn't exactly mean he enjoys doing so or wants to. I have two ideas/reasons for why this might be:

Before he was sworn to Demise, he was his own person (er, Sword Spirit), with his own free thoughts and desires, and similar to Fi, he was simply waiting for his master to come and claim him (whoever that may have been). As far as I'm concerned, the only weapon that's ever had a "you must be this pure/sinful to ride" requirement is the Master Sword - so what if the sword Ghirahim resides in doesn't hold that requirement? Who's to say that he couldn't very well be claimed by some powerful but benevolent warrior who's sole purpose in life isn't to be an absolute monster? Who can say that Ghirahim didn't actually have a benevolent personality himself, or at least a neutral one?

Another possible reason is that Ghirahim was created not as a weapon of evil, but for the purpose of balance. We've already seen one instance in which a hero wielding the Master Sword began to think that he was invincible, when in reality, holding that sword requires one to know their own strengths, weaknesses, and limits, and that even the simple initial action of pulling the sword from its pedestal is not always without its drawbacks. (And yes, I know that I’m referencing Hyrule Warriors, which is is a non-canon game, but none of this entire post is canon either okaydkjfhgdf)

Perhaps the intention (keyword here, "intention") of Ghirahim's creation was a means to remind those heroes of their vulnerability and weaknesses, be it from someone wielding him or by his own actions (as we've seen him summon many a monster and possess powerful magic and strength of his own). Even the good guy should never have too much power or control. Ghirahim's creation could ensure that there will always be a counter, a balance, a force going against the awesome and "good" power of the Master Sword and its wielder - not necessarily an "evil" force, but just a force to ensure that nobody has more power than another.

But surely, if he was only intended to serve as balance, then it wouldn't make sense for him to fall into Demise's possession, right?

Well, the Master Sword can only be drawn by certain people - and the circumstances change. Sometimes you have to be pure of heart, sometimes you just need to have a ton of resolve and complete an insane amount of trials, and sometimes there's no requirement other than bearing a piece of the Triforce. Once it's drawn, though, the sword spirit residing within is bound to serve that person without question - which makes sense, because the person already proved themselves to be good and trustworthy just by pulling it. But even afterwards, the person can change - like the example before - and it can still be in their possession anyway.

The circumstances regarding who can pull the sword that Ghirahim resides in are a complete mystery - but let's say, for the sake of the argument, the requirement is that the wielder needed to have a sincere desire to maintain balance and nothing more. No greed in their heart, no thirst for power - just a drive to make sure no one force is too strong. Who's to say that before Demise began causing all the chaos that he did, he didn't truly intend to keep balance by using the sword, and consequently could have drawn it? And who's to say that, just like the example with the Master Sword, he didn't get cocky once he realized how strong it was, and wanted to see just how much good he could suppress with it? Or maybe it's a lot more simple than that - maybe it's like how the Triforce of Power being bestowed to Ganon was a "divine prank," and Ghirahim being claimed by a destructive and evil force like Demise could simply be another cruel twist of fate.

Regardless, Ghirahim's not particularly interested in the whole "world domination and take all the power" thing himself. But, as fate would have it, he ended up being claimed by Demise. And Demise's cruelty has no exceptions, even to his own sword.

I imagine that since Demise is the very first incarnation of Ganon, completely built on hate and ruthlessness, he doesn't even attempt to show a shred of mercy to his own weapon. When Ghirahim fails to perform a task correctly for his master, he is punished for it - be it physical punishment, isolation, anything to demean Ghirahim and remind him that he is nothing more than a tool - a useful tool, but a tool nonetheless. Demise attempts to teach Ghirahim that the only reason he is still in one piece is because he is a powerful weapon, and that he should be afraid to disappoint his master because he will only stay alive as long as he is of use... And it works.

Ghirahim is no longer his own entity - now he is afraid to show that he is anything but malicious, cruel, and devoted entirely to his master. Even though there were no limitations as to who could claim him, his purpose as a Sword Spirit is to serve that person without question - it's simply what he was created to do. Since he is now unfortunately at Demise's mercy, he's forced to carry out a myriad of wicked deeds that he doesn't always feel are right, and any attempt to object or voice his own concern gets him ridiculed, punished, and ignored by his master.

Perhaps it explains his numerous encounters throughout Skyward Sword? He often claims to have spent too much time "toying" with Link during their previous battle and "allows" Link to walk away with his life. Ghirahim appears uninjured at the end of their fights, but the next time they see each other, his body is suddenly more and more damaged, revealing his true form underneath. Why is it that cracks and chips don't appear across his body during the fight, but are suddenly there upon their next encounter? Why does he only show signs of being hurt after he leaves and returns entirely? Perhaps it's because Link isn't the one that truly damaged him... Perhaps someone else saw it fit to harm Ghirahim - and not because he was trying to eliminate Link... but rather because he didn't eliminate Link. I think about this a lot: Clearly, Ghirahim is a powerful entity - he's extremely skilled in combat, has a ton of magic at his disposal, not to mention he himself is a literal weapon. It's not entirely irrational to think that, if not for the fact that you play as the hero and have to win the game, Ghirahim would be more than capable of wiping the floor with Link. For the sake of the argument, let's take the "forced to win" aspect away from the story, and just focus on the fact that Link always bests Ghirahim. What other explanation would there be if not that Ghirahim intentionally goes easy on Link - both to show his true benevolence (that he is desperately trying to hold on to and show others, in light of this constant charade) and to increase the possibility of Link stopping the reincarnation of his master - and when Ghirahim returns to his master, he is punished and harmed for it?

...And yes, I know the other explanation would literally just be "he's the villain, he's evil, and he is canonically just a violent and vicious asshole." Yeah, I agree, that's canonically true. Like I said, if we went strictly by canon, I know that my ship would absolutely sink because Ghirahim would never canonically act benevolent to, or give a shit about, anyone who isn't his master or caters to his master's wishes. Ghirahim doesn't even really think for himself in canon - just what Demise wants. But look this is just a big dumb massive headcanon cut me some slack and let me have fun okay ksjdfhgkjdf

[hartbreak-motel]

If you're a Seb stan here to bitch about what a horrible human Tommy Lee is because of all of the horrible shit he did over 20 years ago:

We know.

We fucking know. We are well aware of what Tommy has done and will not condone or excuse his past behavior. It was unacceptable and Pamela deserved better than to be treated in such a grotesque manner by both the media and her own husband. Being a fan of an artist's work, does not mean we support their poor behavior.

As you grow older, you realize things aren't black and white. I'm well aware that these men whose music got me through my formative years and continue to get me through tough times have done things that conflict with my own morals. It's easy to just say you should only consume art made by folks whose moral compasses align with your own, but the reality is, it's complicated. A good chunk of the classic rock fandom understands this and wrestles with it from time to time.

Which is why I find it rich to see so much shaming and finger wagging coming from fans who don't seem to take issue with the fact their fave who spent the better part of the pandemic traveling and living it up while the rest of us were still in lockdown, is willingly portraying Tommy in a unauthorized docuseries, one that Pam herself does not wish to be made. A series that had to literally make up a Mötley Crüe song because they couldn't secure the rights to the music. A series whose tag line is "the greatest love story ever sold" and if the marketing and trailer are anything to go by, makes a joke and a mockery of the trauma Pamela and her family had to undergo. A series produced by a man who got Katherine Heigl blacklisted and covered for his friend's sexual misconduct for years. Sebastian is a talented actor, but he is a complicit participant in what is quite frankly, a sleazy and exploitative show.

No, I am not equating domestic violence with complicity in an exploitative series because that is quite frankly like comparing apples and oranges. But it doesn't change the fact that both Tommy's past actions and this show are trashy. The main difference is that most of us Crüeheads can at least recognize that. So while you enjoy your trash, let us have ours in peace and stay out of our tags.

[strangertheories]

Speaking as a queer diasporic Iranian woman I am disgusted by the way the fandom is projecting its issues on to anyone who merely explains Jason's pov. Again, read those first few words, I'm not a f*cking white supremacist or an evangelic conservative christian narccisist, I'm someone who is interested in narratives and characters and has taken the time to explain why Jason's behavior is unfortunately some of the more realistic parts of the season. Words have f*cking meanings.

Yeah people really don't get nuance. Plus white supremacy isn't something that should just be thrown around as some sort of gotcha because it's a really serious issue. This issue with complexity is on both sides. I've seen people saying that Jason did nothing wrong because his girlfriend died and he murdered him which is completely wrong. And then on the other side I've seen people like the ones you're talking about saying if you attempt to understand his actions, you're condoning them. People really see stuff in black and white, when in reality the character is meant to be more of a grey area.

Because yes, his girlfriend was brutally murdered and in his mind he wants justice. That's an interesting motivation. But it's also not a justification for his actions. He frames a bunch of innocent people, is incredibly violent and encourages his friends to be violent too. Even before Chrissy's death, he used the mass death of people in order to encourage people to cheer for his basketball game so he's clearly very manipulative and wants his way. But you're not erasing any of that by trying to understand the character and his motivations and his pov.

I think this moral purification in the fandom is kind of weird. Like every character is either this or that with no room for nuance. I got an ask saying that Eddie is a horrible person because he did bad things, but he's clearly way more complex than that. He's not perfect, but that was the whole point in his character arc and he was always a good person deep down. It's so weird to me how people are faster to blame him for dealing drugs than they are to blame Billy for being a racist piece of shit.

TW for abuse and racism at this point! Speaking of him, I've seen this a lot with Billy. Billy was a racist abusive piece of shit. His mind was warped as a child due to his desensitisation to violence and due to the cyclic nature of abuse, he became a bad person. But people think that a sad backstory is an excuse for his behaviour, when it's clearly not. Because people really struggle to understand that just because a character is complex it doesn't mean that they're good. Same thing goes for Brenner. Like wow he cares for his little lab rats that he manipulates and abuses, he's so great!

And just for the show in general. Does the show have problematic elements? Absolutely. It's treatment of queer characters and characters of colour as well as it's use of holocaust imagery and a fucking Nazi prison camp as a set (seriously fucked up) and queer baiting is disgusting. But I do not think that means the show is now entirely awful and if you watch it or enjoy it you are awful too. It is really important to critique media, but things aren't as simple as 'this is problematic and this isn't' because most shows probably have issues. As a fan, it's important to critically consume the show and to call it out and hold the creators accountable. We need to encourage the show runners to make a change and start trying to make good representation to make up for their prior mistakes if they even can be redeemed instead of just writing off the whole show.

Don't know if this is what you wanted, but thanks for the ask anyways (: hope you're doing well

[azzziiiii]

Dazai Deep Dive???

TW for Suicide, Depression, Alienation, and other things. Please read with caution.

Disclaimer, I of course don't think any of the bad things Dazai did were okay, but I am gonna explain why I think he did them and his reasoning. Reasoning of course does not equal an excuse and explaining why does not mean I condone any of this

Inspired and based on this post by @raventhekittycat

Dazai uses the pronoun "watashi" the most in the anime and manga. Its a very gender netural, and somewhat formal pronoun and very common, but not usually for males in Japan. SO, here's where this gets fun. Dazai is based more off the character from the book No Longer Human than the actual author and in that book a big thing is like alienation and shit. Basically one reason anime/manga Dazai uses 'watashi' is because his character is written to feel alienated and out of place, like he doesn't belong, so using 'watashi' allows him to have the most distance, from people and language and all that shit, cause its the MOST neutral pronoun. It's not that he sees himself as being genderless, it's that he sees himself as being humanless (this is why his ability No Longer Human always hurts me cause I've always had the feeling he didnt feel human). Also, fun fact, in 15 Dazai uses the male-typical pronoun of 'boku', and I think its cause he was comfortable with Chuuya, with his life at the time, but as time goes on he starts using 'watashi', he's using it by the Dark Era episodes. He's using 'watashi' to feel a disconnect from being a human, because he doesn't feel human (No Longer Human hahahahaha cry). He's also letting himself not get as close to people, and for him, using 'watashi' helps him feel that disconnect he thinks is there.

Knowing that Dazai doesn't feel human, that he feels a disconnect from his humanity and other humans, this could help explain why he did some of the things he did. Let's keep in mind he has a record of 138 counts of conspiracy to murder, 312 counts of extortion, and 625 counts of assorted fraud and other crimes. So not a good dude basically. One big thing would be his abuse of Akutagawa. Probably one of his worst crimes in the eyes of the fandom (and I don't disagree with that at all). But, I think a big reason he was willing to do so much is cause he does feel a disconnect from being human. With him not feeling human, he doesn't think it matters what he does. He was told to train Aku and make him strong. So he did, and it didn't matter to him how he did it because he's not 'human'. We see Chuuya be more kind and questioning about many actions that go against his morals, but Dazai frankly doesn't care. Why would he have morals when he doesn't feel human? Morals are definitely a very human thing, and as I've said already, he tries to distance himself from things like that.

"Now the main character in 人間失格/Ningen Shikkaku/No Longer Human states he plays up the part of being the clown, the fool. Because then he can predict people’s actions and he is less scared of them. Fast forward to now. We see Dazai doing that constantly. And we have seen actual suicide attempts by him—the river and the barrel bring two. Dazai is hiding his actual emotions more, wearing the mask of the fool more. He’s doing objectively worse and doesn’t seem to be trying to do better. The only thing that is carrying him through is Oda’s words telling him to be good. But Oda also told him he would never fill the hole in his chest he felt. He told Dazai he is never going to feel better. So Dazai is now living, acting like a better human while feeling that otherness in his chest. So him using 僕/boku the natural masculine pronoun in 15 was a way of indicating that he was actually doing better, feeling more, acting the fool less. But now he’s 22 and suicidal again and hiding behind his pretenses and we can’t see his real emotions as much. And he’s distancing himself from himself and from others by using 私/watashi. And though it’s gender neutral, it’s also neutral on more levels than that and that is why Dazai is using it. If he sees himself as genderless it goes beyond seeing himself as genderless, he sees himself as lacking humanness." (from this post)

THIS ^^^

Oda may have been important to Dazai, but what he told him is always gonna be with Dazai. That he will never fill that hole in his chest. And I love Oda, I do, but I hate him for that. Cause he shouldn't have told Dazai, someone who wants nothing more than to fucking end it all, that he'll basically never be happy. I know Oda was on his deathbed when he said it, and it was spur of the moment, and I think that's why it was done like that, cause I can't truly hate Oda for saying that when I look at what was happening when he said it. Basically Oda's words are gonna be with Dazai forever, and he believed everything Oda said, he's always gonna believe he'll never find a reason to live, something to fill the hole in his chest.

Okay, so we have covered the fact that Dazai is clearly in a bad place mentally, and that he is not getting better, in fact, he is likely getting worse. And as many of us likely know, to get better you have to actively work on it, you have to want it. So why isn't Dazai working on it? If he knows he's doing terribly, why wouldn't he work on himself? I think there are two different reasons for this. The first, clearly, is that he sees himself as lacking humanity, so he doesn't see himself as needing help, needing to get better. In fact, he may not even realize just how poorly he's doing. His morals are already very warped, and he never grew up in a place that cared about his feelings at all. He grew up in the mafia, where he was likely taught to kill at an EXTREMLY young age. He has np sense of doing well or doing poorly. The other reason, Oda's words. Oda told him he was ever going to fill that hole in his chest (a terrible thing to say to be honest). As I've already covered, Dazai hung onto ever single word Oda said, he is never going to forget that. So, if Dazai does know he's doing poorly and is in a bad place mentally, he likely does not care. He's already been told he'll never "fix" himself, in a sense. So why would he ever put forth the effort? To him it's a complete waste of time and energy.

Kind of branching off from the fourth paragraph, Dazai's suicide attempts in present time are seen as annoying and not unusual for the agency, even Atsushi, when he sees Dazai in the barrel, acts annoyed with done with it already. And this brings up the question, why? Why is no one taking it seriously. Suicide shouldn't be used for comedy, but it is. And I kinda think there's a reason for it. Dazai is masking his true emotions. We know he has pent up grief and anger and hatred, but he barely ever expresses it. Dazai very purposefully makes his suicide attempts seem like jokes to the agency, the way he talks about it, the way he asks for help, he makes sure this behavior is not only normal, but expected. He knows that it's a problem, but he wants it to be completely normal and expected, cause for him, one day he is gonna follow through with it. He doesn't want it to be suspicious. Making everyone find him annoying is his whole plan. He doesn't want people attached to him cause he doesn't feel human (although we all know that there's a lot of people who would be affected by his death). He wants to not be missed cause he doesn't think he's human, that he's worthy of being loved. So he acts this way on purpose.

Another thing to add before I finish; As we all know pretty well Dazai calls Chuuya, well, Chuuya, and Chuuya is Chuuya's first name. Obviously there is a close bond there for Chuuya to not be too bothered by Dazai calling him by his first name. However, not once have we ever seen someone call Dazai by his first name, Osamu, but with their bond surely Chuuya would be calling him Osamu instead of Dazai? So, this means its probably pretty likely that Dazai has made it a point to not let anyone call him by his first name, as it would connect him to his humanity more. I'm willing to bet that Chuuya and Dazai had a fight over this too, and Chuuya didn't understand at all, cause to him Dazai is human, Dazai is what keeps Chuuya human. so the whole thing didn't make sense to him.

To sum up, Dazai has a fuck ton of trauma and needs therapy, but seriously, he is a very complex and well done character and isn't just a suicidal maniac.

[k7l4d4]

A Miraculous Manifesto: A list of my thoughts on Miraculous Ladybug

Hello ladies, gentlemen, and germs of all ages! Everybody clap your hands! Today, I am going to talk about a show that I very much enjoy, but also drives me up a wall: Miraculous Ladybug!

If you don’t know the show, feel free to ignore this, this is mostly to get my head together and my thoughts posted down. It’s basically just a collection of my opinions on topics within the Miraculous Fandom and show.

First off, and it’s a doozy, Chloe Bourgeois. For those not in the know, Chloe is one of the singularly most bitter, mean, and utterly selfish characters ever invented. But, she isn’t a one-note hate sink. Chloe’s mother, who is an even BIGGER bitch than Chloe herself is, abandoned her to focus on the fame and adulation her career in the fashion industry afforded her, never remembering her Birthday and often not even bothering to remember her NAME. Ouch! Chloe’s father, Andre, while not without his faults, being a formerly corrupt, and still kind of shady, politician and all, but he deeply loves his daughter. Unfortunately, Andre is by all accounts and absentee parent, relegating Chloe’s rearing to Nannies, Butlers, and the like, and burying her in presents and gifts to avoid actually parenting and teaching Chloe. All in all, a bad combination.

By all accounts, Chloe was originally a very sweet and kind hearted girl, reaching out and befriending the lonely son of the Agreste family, Adrien. However, her loneliness, her dad’s spoiling behavior, and her pining for her mother combined to turn Chloe into a monster. Chloe, as she currently is, has a massively egotistical and selfish demeanor, and has no real friends, lashing out in the cruelest and most spiteful ways for the pettiest of reasons, or just for laughs. The closest thing she has to a friend is the socially awkward and unwaveringly loyal Sabrina, who often serves as her lackey, and is regarded as such as even her family’s staff don’t believe she has friends. Again, Ouch.

When given the chance to be a superhero as Queen Bee, a role which even Marinette, Ladybug herself, thought might help her change, we saw more signs that there is more to Chloe than just a dumb bully. Despite what people might think, Chloe actually is capable of feeling remorse for her actions, and her deepest desire underneath all the hate and bile is too be useful. To not just be another burden.

Unfortunately, show creator Thomas Astruc sank that idea. Turns out, Chloe is apparently utterly incapable of change and will always remain a self-centered monster. Now, I do NOT condone the fandom that was rooting for Chloe’s behavior against Tommy-boy, as all they did was give him vindication by acting like a pack of rabid jackals going in for the kill. On his official Wiki page for Miraculous, Thomas gives what appears to be a poetic and thoughtful detailing as to his decision and why he is right for it. Honestly? It rings hollow. For all his fancy words and attempts to illustrate Chloe as solely being a toxic, hateful individual without redemptive qualities, his reasoning, as well as his apparent intent from the start to have Chloe becoming a SuperHero to be a fake-out, comes across as crass and tacky.

Thomas perpetually portrays Chloe as being a bitter and spiteful shrew, with any kind deed she does having a duplicitous motive, that she is utterly incapable of showing genuine kindness and remorse as she is, and that is the way she always will be, but the thing is? When you give a character a sympathetic backstory and motive for how and why the way they are, you should expect people to sympathize and relate to that character, as well as acknowledge the you are opening them up to the possibility to change for the better. These are all things Thomas denies ruthlessly. In his narrative, Chloe can never be good, and all her pain has only served to ruin her, nothing more.

One of his arguments to justify this? Supervillains don’t sell toys. To explain, while a tragic backstory might make kids and folks sympathize for a villain, they still won’t consider them good or support them. That is true, of course. But the biggest flaw in his logic? Supervillains are just as capable of changing, becoming better than what they are, just like EVERYONE is. Villains can become heroes, it’s true! Not without trials and tribulation, of course, but they can be more than the label society gives them. Thomas has refused to even entertain the possibility that Chloe can ever be more than what he dictates she can be. In his narrative, people who have done bad things can never attempt to redeem themselves.

Chloe’s a baddy. Case closed. Thomas has repeatedly pointed to moments in the show that “illustrate” that Chloe is beyond redemption, that she can never grow beyond her faults, but the things is? He’s the creator, one of them, and a writer for the show. He has the POWER to CHANGE that narrative, to have things happen that force Chloe to grow and become a decent, if he can’t bring himself to make her good, and make amends, even if others don’t accept it.

Thomas likes to draw comparisons to abusive relationships when it comes to Chloe, but when you look at the show? It doesn’t actually hold water. The only people she has any kind of relationship with that isn’t straight up antagonism are Adrien, Sabrina, Audrey, and Andre. While it could be argued that Chloe is abusive towards Sabrina, and the dynamic they have is NOT healthy, I wouldn’t call it abusive. Chloe in no way forces Sabrina to do all that Sabrina does for her, even if she is barking orders, and Sabrina is cognizant of the fact that they do not have a standard friendship, enough so that even Chloe’s family’s employees don’t actually view Sabrina as actually being Chloe’s friend. Chloe might be harsh with Sabrina when they are on the outs, but she is never shown forcing Sabrina into anything, and Sabrina is often the only person besides Adrien or herself that Chloe shows compassion towards, particularly as Sabrina is one of the few people completely aware of Chloe’s childish and geeky side and accepts it utterly; at the worst interpretation, Sabrina is Chloe’s ENABLER, not her victim.

For Audrey and Andre’s relationship with Chloe, it is definitely toxic, but, if anything, Chloe is the one being abused! Audrey frequently belittles and ridicules Chloe, forgets her name, HER OWN DAUGHTER’S NAME, abandoned her when she was too little to truly take care of herself or have proper knowledge of right from wrong, and generally treats her like a particularly incompetent employee, when all Chloe wants from Audrey is her affection, her approval, and her love. Andre isn’t really bad with Chloe, but he’s neglected to be a parent to her, showering her with gifts to avoid having to actually be there for her when she needed him for all those years, which probably didn’t do any favors for how maladjusted she is. 

Adrien frequently makes excuses for Chloe, apologizing on her behalf, and only occasionally standing up to her when she acts up. But Chloe isn’t abusing him, emotionally or mentally, as Adrien could be considered Chloe’s sole true friend; whenever Adrien scolds or gets upset with Chloe, Chloe backs down and off, and on the few times Adrien has threatened to stop being friends with her, Chloe has nearly broken. The only real thing keeping Adrien in Chloe’s life is the fact that she was his first friend, and he is her only friend aside from Sabrina. Chloe has no leverage to be abusing Adrien, or anything to use to keep them in each other’s lives; Adrien is friends with her by choice. Nothing else.

The worst part of it all? Chloe never got a chance. Thomas denied Chloe the possibility of growth, and will most likely keep denying it to her. So, I say we mourn. We mourn the loss of what will never come to pass, because one guy with a TV Show said so.

[mariaiscrafting]

ahhhh ty ty ty <3

ok, so I think that what makes Dream act this way (iykyk) is how dreamwastaken became so big so quickly. and by quick I mean fucking lightning speed.

he didn't have enough time to learn enough about cc etiquette, especially in these three aspects: influence, boundaries and fanbase/stans/whatever you call it. I'll try to explain it:

• Influence: Does he know the influence he has? Like, when he hears that he is the myct with the largest fanbase, does he really process that? I remember he talked about not being able to control all of his fanbase and there's bad apples everywhere -- which is true, and that only like 1% of his fanbase breaks his boundaries (that include sending hate for him, harassing, doxing, etc. yk, basic twitter culture lol) but, honey, with your big ass fanbase, 1% is still a lot of people. As a content creator you *have* to be aware of that.

let's take the hbomb situation. First off, as a streamer, it's you that set the mood of the stream. Even if he was only messing around with his pals, even if they did say to do not send hate to hbomb, dt dunking on him created a toxic environment, which caused his fans being toxic towards hbomb and you know what happens next. Hell, when this happened, I was watching Tapl and he was watching them and he was crying laughing over them screaming bc they were just. so loud and so aggressive that it was kinda ??? Sirs, this is literally a Minecraft Stream lmaooo

my point is, that was not the road that dreamwastaken, 21M fans, should've taken. he don't condone his fans actions but he knows his fans are diehard and will always be on his side, he should be more careful before stating negative opinions, especially if its towards another person.

• Boundaries and Fanbase: He posted a list of his boundaries a while ago, idk if you know or seen it (btw please george copy your bestie for the love of god <3) but I'm not talking about those boundaries, I'm talking about the basic boundaries between cc and viewer. boundaries that, in my opinion, should exist between cc and viewer. I get that Dream is an open person, an oversharing type of open person if I may add, but I think he should take a step back regardless. When I heard that he was taking a time from twitter, I genuinely got so glad, not because he couldn't start any drama then, but because it would do so so good for his mental health. I'm not even that fond of him, it's just that for me, any cc taking a break or outright leaving twitter is a win for me. I know how RSD is hard to deal and honestly letting shit out it's better but dream you have dt you have bbh so please don't make things worse online 😭 I know how good can be to feel validation from millions of people but. it's not a good idea, especially in the state that his fanbase is on rn (this topic is kinda sensitive to talk abt for me bc people be outright ableist and hide it as criticism like. say that shit's not helping his reputation and whatever without acting like he's fucking. manipulating his fanbase for being affected by his rsd💀 or, on the other hand, don't say that hes just being adhd🤪 when he's just being an asshole like damn that's a Him thing bro lol)

(omg it's so big I'm so sorry and theres a part two I'm so sorry tumblr user messed-up-gal ToT) - morango 1/2

pt. 2:

Dream is the proof that the people who loves you can be your downfall. istg. Have you noticed that every drama that Dream enters, people usually get more mad abt how his fanbase reacts (85% they'll react in a bad way) than Dream himself? it's not always, but its definitely more likely. I'm not saying Dream is saint, he Is petty and his ego does him dirty and made him choke multiple times before,, But! i dont think hes a bad guy. he's literally just a dude. ok, he's a 21yr old white gamer man that has a trumpie past (maybe?? idk. I think hes cured now ig lol) so he's bound to do some shitty things but he still tries to get better and hopefully he'll mature. 21 is old enough but it's still so young, yk? I kind of lost my mind during the end and my eyes are literally begging to be closed so tl;dr: Its gonna be hard for him to become a better cc bc his fans don't let him be criticized (by infantilizing his adhd symptoms or the mob mentality as soon as someone says anything abt him), the honest criticism get lost between lies from antis that don't know shit, he still has a lot of growing up to do and overall he became famous too fast and he needs to learn things even faster bc as soon as there's not a single one dream hater on sight they'll turn their back and attack him instead lmao I hate twitter i definitely have more to say but I'm tired and my memory is shit. just-- hate dream if you want, love dream if you want, nobody is obligated to have an opinion but I wanted to express mine. have a lovely day! -morango 2/2

Aight, there's a lot to unpack here, so Imma try to only go into the points I have something to add to (here's what I talk about in each paragraph, if you want to jump to a specific point):

Speed of Dream's rise to fame

The "bad apples" in the Dream fanbase

Post-MCC HBomb stream

Not condoning versus actually condemning his fans

Manipulation & RSD

Criticism of Dream, his fanbase, and his brand

The “just a dude” argument, flipped

First, I agree that one of the many factors that has resulted in the current image Dream has set up for himself, the way his fanbase functions, the ways people hate on him, and the way the Dream brand functions, is the speed of his rise to fame. It's unique, and there are probably a hundred social/psychological angles that could be used to examine the exact effects of that speed upon all of these facets of the Dream Name; did rapid fame beget the rapid rise of unrighteous hatred, did those waves of hatred then instigate the rise of a surprisingly overdefensive fanbase, did that rapid fame get to his head and/or result in an inability to appropriately handle all the after-effects of rapid fame, etc.? That point you bring up, about how the speed of his rise to fame requires him to learn even more quickly, is so interesting to me. I think that maybe Dream expected to get pretty famous pretty quickly, hence the preparedness in regards to some mechanics of influencer fame- merchandise, business-building, networking, knowing how to manage his fanbase to best benefit him. But I don't think he expected to get this famous this quickly. This is all speculation of course, as are this entire post and your ask, but I think that he just couldn't anticipate having to learn how to handle enmasse controversy, waves of antis, or every Youtuber speculating/knowing about him; and yeah, that results in him having to learn all of these things very quickly, lest he allow his whole brand and fandom to fall apart.

Second, I disagree with the frequent argument that Dream's fanbase is only marginally toxic. Personally, I think that the circumstances of Dream's fame, his personality and management of his fanbase, and his brand of content have resulted in the very specific kind of stan that Dream stans are. I don't think this is simply a case of "all fandoms have a small percentage of assholes who take it too far;" rather, the nature of the community itself breeds the kind of mentality of "an asshole who takes it too far." I only even know this because I was a Dream fan (kinda a stan, I'm ngl). At one time, I watched every single Dreamwastaken & Dream Team video multiple times; I listened to the Manhunts on repeat, as though they were podcasts; I followed mostly smiletwt and dttwt accounts on mcyttwt; I had upwards of 10 tabs for AO3 DNF fics open on my phone at a time; I watched DNF and Dream Team Being A Family-esque compilations on repeat; I watched every George and Sapnap alt stream I possibly could; I went out of my way to defend Dream against Redditors and Twitter antis regarding the cheating scandal. For the latter half of 2020, and a couple months of 2021, I lived and breathed this part of the fandom; so when I say that Dream stans are a whole other breed than any other kind of mcyttwt stan, I say that because I used to be like that, too. I usually use parasocial very loosely or ironically, but Dream stans are genuinely one of the most parasocial fanbases I have ever seen or been a part of. The level of investment Dream stans have in this man's life, the lengths they will go to to defend him, the amount of psychonalysis and digging they do on his life and character, the amount of emotion he can evoke in them- it's taken to another level, man. This isn't just characteristic of a fraction of his fanbase; this is what the fanbase is like as a whole.

Third, I partially disagree with your take on the HBomb thing, but not in the way one might think? I actually empathize with the way they reacted much more than I thought I would, simply because I suspect I have RSD (also suspect I have ADHD, have for several months now) and I can see myself getting insanely frustrated because of something like that. Like yeah, it was "just a MC stream" or "just an MC game," but that's kinda disregarding the fact that something that might seem like "just a [insert inconsequential thing]" to a rational mind might have a major emotional consequence/take a major emotional toll on someone with RSD, or really anyone who gets easily impatient/angry about video games (Sapnap reminds me of many of my friends, in that way). The issues I, personally, had with the way they handled the HBomb situation is that these are simply explanations and reasons for my empathy; they are not excuses. I have no excuse when I get irrationally angry about something inconsequential in my own life, for a couple of reasons. One, because I am an adult and I need to learn how to handle my reactions and manage my own anger. Two, because as someone with many mental problems, it is my responsibility to learn coping mechanisms to ensure my own emotional stability and livelihood; this includes learning whatever I need to handle RSD- whether that be isolating myself from others when I know I will become violently/passionately angry about something, creating and sustaining a support system that can get me through bouts of extreme emotion, finding healthy emotional outlets for my negative emotions that won't harm myself or others, or a combination thereof. I don't think what they said about HBomb post-MCC was an irreversibly horrible thing, or anything. I think there were errors committed by two men who should be fully capable of foreseeing and preventing those errors, but I don't unconditionally hate Dream or Sapnap for the post-MCC stream or comments. I just wish they had made amends quickly, publicly, and sufficiently, because the greatest consequences from the whole thing weren't even from those two criticizing HBomb themselves; they were from the waves of backlash because of their immense influence on the MCYT fandom, which could've been prevented, if they had acted maturedly and responsibly after the stream.

Fourth, you’re right, that he doesn’t seem to condone his fans’ behavior. I detest the frequent anti argument that one of the reasons Dream should be criticized is because he explicitly uses his fanbase to attack others, or something of the sort. Personally, I think he created his fanbase in a very specific way and interacts with them in such a way so as to benefit him as much as possible, yes, but he never actually tells his fanbase to go and yell at or harrass anyone. Still, there is a significant difference between not condoning something and condemning something. It might seem unfair, and it might be annoying of me to say this, but I truly think that someone with this large a fanbase, especially one as overzealous as Dream’s, needs to be condemned every single time it goes on some kind of rampage/harrassment campaign. Either that, or Dream needs to make a definitive, permanent statement against any kind of harrassment of others on his behalf. I know he’ll occassionally make the odd tweet or serious stream addressing something his fanbase did, but one of the many reasons his fanbase keeps doing the same damn thing is because he’s so lukewarm and spotty about this condemnation. A fanbase like his needs to be given explicit guidance and boundaries for the numerous things they do in his defense- harrassing/doxing antis, harrassing people who criticize him who aren’t antis (respectful criticism, other CCs, other MCYT stans, etc.), harrassing the people he critcizes (i.e., HBomb), speculating about his personal life (his relationship with his gf, his mental health/ADHD, his romantic life, his childhood, etc.), and speculating about his relationships with his friends and colleagues.  My personal ideology is that, if you have significant influence over someone or a group of people, you are at least somewhat responsible for the things those people do or don’t do, if it at all relates back to you. I’m so fucking tired of the argument that CCs aren’t responsible for what their fans do. Obviously they aren’t responsible for every single one of their fans, and obviously they can’t fully control their fans at the end of the day. But I think there are certain things that reach such a level of extremity that does make those CCs responsible. This can be measured by either scale or intensity; that is to say, if a CC’s fanbase does things on an extremely large scale, or one person from/a fraction of the fanbase does something really extreme, then the CC is made all the more responsible. Another CC I’ve always had trouble discussing with other people on this subject is Pewdiepie, in particular, about the extremists in his fanbase. Because the things a small handful of his fans have done in reference to him and/or in his name were so fucking extreme, I thought Pewdiepie had to take at least some responsibilty. Along a similar vein, because the things Dream’s general fanbase does are so widespread and on such a massive scale, Dream has to take at least some responsibility.

Fifth, okay. Hmmm. I want to tackle this point you made about the ableism he faces in some criticism of him carefully and with empathy, but not coddling. One, I do think a lot of the criticism he receives for the ways he handles criticism (post-cheating Tweets, reactions to John Swan, post-MCC HBomb stream, etc.), disregard his RSD and can be oftentimes ableist. I’ve actually encountered people irl who criticize this aspect of Dream’s character, and have had to explain to them their disregard for how ADHD/RSD affect neurodivergent people’s reactions to criticism. But - and this is a big, and very controversial but - I think mentally ill/disordered people can 100% leverage their mental illness/disorders for the sake of manipulation. This is actually something I’ve learned from a psychiatrist, regarding the ways people I know and I handle our anxiety and depression. This manipulation can be unwitting or intentional, but it is entirely possible, and the possibility shouldn’t be entirely dismissed as ableist. Living with a mental illness or disorder that others know about/that you are very public about puts you in an interesting position to receive frequent sympathy, empathy, and/or pity. I’m not saying that empathy for Dream having ADHD/RSD is entirely unjustified; on the contrary, I have frequently expressed how I can relate to his ADHD symptoms and have defended him for expressing those symptoms, both on mcytblr and in real life. I am saying that Dream fans tend to use his ADHD as a kind of shield for a lot of criticism levied against him, including the supposition that he could be manipulating his fanbase to defend him because of his public expressions of RSD. So yes, my theory is that Dream knows how to levy every aspect of his life for his personal gain and for the growth of his brand, and that includes his ADHD. I think he has courage for his openess about his ADHD, I think his openness has contributed to the rise in awareness of mental health and empathy for neurodivergent people within Gen Z, and I think at least some of his expressions of RSD publicly/online weren’t intentionally made public. All that being said, I also think he has to know just how much his fanbase cares about defending him for his ADHD, and I think he has to know that some of the things he does related to his neurodivergence endear him to his audience, in a coddling, baby-ing, mildly ableist sorta way.  Maybe this is all incredibly presumptuous of me. Of course, I can never know the real intentions behind any Dream video, Tweet, or stream. Maybe I’m just projecting, because I can see myself doing just this, if I had the maturity I had circa 2018-2019. Idfk know, man.

Sixth, I actually agree with you here, people probably do get more mad at his fanbase than him. Dream puts out content pretty seldomly, considering the frequency of content output for other Youtubers/streamers in his field/at his brand size. And yet, he has received masses of criticism. Considering that the things Dream himself does/says do not entirely correlate with the amount of criticism he receives, I think it’s a logical assumption that a lot of that criticism actually goes back to the size of his presence online, rather than the man himself. That is to say, because of the massive community he’s amassed, the exponential growth of his fanbase, their presence on every single social media site and in virtually every single Internet space/fandom, and the size of his metaphysical presence in his fields, Dream is much bigger than the man himself, so the criticism he receives will, at least in part, be a direct or indirect result of all these other aspects of the Dream brand.  Something I don’t think many Dream fans/stans, or even most MCYT fans in general, understand, is that Dream isn’t just “one guy” in the eyes of the Internet- at least, not anymore. He hasn’t been for nearly a year. Like Pewdiepie, Mr. Beast, and other CCs who have amassed similar levels of fame and wealth via Internet content creation, Dream is a brand now, and most people will treat him as such. He isn’t just some uwu soft boy playing Minecraft anymore. He is on a whole other level from any other MCYT in his friend circle or colleague interaction bubble. His words will never again live in a vaccum or private bubble, his friend circle will never again be under anything less than intense scrutiny, his past actions will never again be simple mistakes or silly errors, his words will never again be casual tweets or streams for laughs among a couple thousand followers. Dream’s name represents something much bigger than just the one man. As such, all aspects of his brand, including his fanbase, will tie back to him and, ultimately, to any general criticism of him.

I’m not saying I like any of this, and I actually think the evolution of influencers from people to a marketable brand with similar mechanisms, responsibilities, and liabilities as a corporation is some kind of late capitalism nightmare fuel; I’m just stating my own observations and theories as to why so much anti-Dream criticism seems to be directed at his fanbase, rather than him.

Seventh, he’s just a guy, you’re right, but I think a lot of the antis on Tumblr understand this more than you know. As I’ve seen it, the sentiment among much of the “DSMP stans DNI” crowd seems to be that of “Dream/other MCYTs are such ‘bad’ people, so why do their fans stick to these mediocre, racist men, when there are so many better people to watch/better content to consume?” We know this argument is flawed for many of the obvious reasons - the conflation of all MCYTs’ actions regardless of individual identity, the equating of a CC’s fanbase’s morality to that of the CC they enjoy watching, the exxageration of any error MCYT CCs have committed as bigotry/racism, the fundamental misunderstanding and misinformation that led antis to believe this exxageration of the facts, etc. But I want to focus on the general, underlying sentiment of, “why not watch someone better, when your creator is problematic?” Sometimes, I ask this of Dream stans. Yes, being mildly ignorant, getting involved in the scandals Dream has, and being a right-leaning/libertarian centrist in the recent past all seem like harmless things, all things considered. One could say Dream isn’t nearly as bad as many antis who are misinformed seem to believe, and that there are much worse CCs Dream stans could be watching and creating fan content for. But I think what Tumblr antis wonder is, aren’t there also much better MCYTs/CCs people could be watching and stanning? Because he’s just some guy, right? Is his content truly so exceptional or is he really so exceptional a person, that people have to stick by him, despite the things that spike up regarding his current or past actions? I think that’s what made me finally decide to stop watching Dream. I realized he was just Some Guy. The Dream Team was a comforting dynamic to indulge in, DNF was a cute ship to read and speculate about, and Manhunts were fun videos to watch; however, once the Reddit posts came out and I read them in-depth, the cost-benefit analysis tipped over to the “not worth it” side for me. I realized Dream’s content, while fun and comforting, was not entirely unique, and wasn’t worth sticking around for, given what I then knew about his past political leanings. If he is just Some Guy, then there are a hundred more like him out there. There a hundred more ships, a hundred more found family dynamics, a hundred more entertaining and skilled Minecraft players. So while I agree with you on the point of people being allowed to love him regardless because he is just a guy, at the end of the day, I think that, if we are to believe that sentiment or use that argument in such a manner, we should also understand the flip side- that, if he is just some guy, why is it worth sticking around? To that I say, maybe because people just enjoy the simple things they enjoy.

Anyways, I wholly agree with your tl;dr. Thanks for that insanely long ask, this was a fun thing to keep me occupied while I’ve been at work, facilitating Zoom sessions this whole morning.

[redphlox]

dude, what?? On your reblog about Dabi how can you say that Dabi is blameless? Yes he's an abuse victim, but no that doesn't mean that everything he did is Endeavor's fault. If my dad hits me and then because of that I think it's okay to hit my kid, both me and my dad are in the wrong. Endeavor is a shithead. I'm not disagreeing with that, but Dabi is an adult that made his own decisions and the decision was to kill people. The abuse he suffered as a child does not make that okay.

I’m curious, when did I say Dabi was 100% blameless and that his actions are excused or justified? When did I say, “Dabi has every right to murder people” or anything like that? 

I'm saying: let's not pin the Todoroki’s pain on Dabi. Let's remember this is a direct result of Endeavor beating his family. Sometimes in abusive households, the victims turn against each other or blame one another for their suffering, or outsiders blame one of the victims, when really all the blame and focus should be assigned to the abuser. Solely focusing on Dabi’s actions and not taking into account how his trauma has impacted him would be an injustice to a childhood abuse survivor. This is a highly complex situation and even some justice systems in the world take this sort of into account (for example, the US has different degrees of murder: manslaughter, involuntary manslaughter, murder in the first degree, second, third... not that this system is anywhere near perfect. (For example, the Menendez Brothers case.) Trauma does awful things to your mental health and your behavior and even your brain chemistry and makeup. Here are some scientific articles that can probably explain better than I can:

- Examining the Role of Safe, Stable, and Nurturing Relationships in the Intergenerational Continuity of Child Maltreatment—Introduction to the Special Issue 

- Traumatic stress: effects on the brain 

- How Childhood Abuse Changes the Brain

-How Child Abuse can Alter the Adult Brain

- The Biological Effects of Childhood Trauma

- Pipeline to Prison May Start with Childhood Trauma

- Biology, childhood trauma, and murder: rethinking justice  Abstract: This article reviews recent findings in the developmental neurophysiology of children subjected to psychological trauma. Studies link extreme neglect and abuse with long-term changes in the nervous and endocrine systems. A growing body of research literature indicates that individuals with severe trauma histories are at higher risk of behaving violently than those without such histories. This article links these two research areas by discussing how severe and protracted child abuse and/or neglect can lead to biological changes, putting these individuals at greater risk for committing homicide and other forms of violence than those without child maltreatment histories. The implications of these biological findings for forensic evaluations are discussed. Based on new understanding of the effects of child maltreatment, the authors invite law and mental health professionals to rethink their notions of justice and offender accountability, and they challenge policymakers to allocate funds for research into effective treatment and for service delivery.

If after reviewing these, you’re still personally convinced that I, who had a traumatic and violent childhood due to domestic abuse and parental alcoholism and am currently studying for a doctorate in the professional health field and have taken graduate level classes on mental health, human development, and the resulting physical and mental dysfunctions, am condoning or excusing murder because I’m trying to redirect the blame from a victim to the abuser... then I don’t know what to else say. 

[veronicathegoddess]

Hi. So I know that you're someone who is very close with @blindlydominant and I just wanted to say that I expected more from someone like you.

You talk a big game about supporting women and respecting boundaries yet you're friends with someone who talks to all women like they're submissive which is problematic and unhealthy because that's a big assumption.

And as a woman, you should do better and call him out of his behaviour but it's always people like you who are enablers and allow doms to get away with their bs.

As someone with a big following you should not be endorsing people like that knowing the type of person they but then again, most of you are only here for clout and think that you are above criticism because you're well liked on Tumblr. Both you and @blindlydominant are people I've been scared to criticize because of how popular you are but I'm not going to hold back because people need to know the truth.

Wow...okay this is a lot. So let's address this piece by piece:

♡ First of all, you just misgendered me. I do not identify as a woman, I am genderfluid. I am female presenting online but that does not mean that I am a woman. Also if you know so much about me and the type of person I am, you should know that I'm genderfluid. So I cannot as a woman do better, but I can do better as a person except not in this situation that I have no knowledge of.

♡ You are working on the assumption that I knew about whatever happened between you and Tyler, when I didn't. The first I heard of it was when I got this ask. But assuming that I know and that I'm okay with that type of behavior and attacking me off of an assumption is wrong. And I think there is a lot things wrong in trying to state that I have a part in this and that I knew about this and I am allowing it to happen and coming to close to blaming me for a situation that I had no part in.

♡ Speaking to every woman like they are submissive is wrong and if you felt like he did that, I will not invalidate how you feel and I will not hesitate to say that if Tyler spoke to in that manner, he was wrong to do so. I'm not going to condone that type of behavior because he is my friend.

♡ Now let's address your behavior, if you were the person this happened to, I'm very sorry that it did. But telling me that I'm an enabler and that I allow doms to get away with things like this is not okay. You don't know me and you don't get to say that about me. Furthermore, I would never excuse doms who disrespect,manipulate, or abuse subs. As someone who was in a relationship with an abusive dom, I would never ever condone that. And I would never know that someone who I am friends with is doing that and encourage it or even continue my friendship with them

♡ Additionally neither Tyler not myself believe that we are above criticism. As you rightfully said, we are persons with platforms and followings and I can assure you that we don't assume in anyway that we are above any form of criticism from people who interact/follow with us because we know that our actions/things we say will reach a lot of people. If you felt scared to criticize us because of our following, that's something that we can't do anything about because we have never said that we’re against criticism or told out followers to attack people who criticize us.

♡ I don't think that this incident speaks volumes about Tyler's character. Obviously if it happened, it's something that he would need to work on but implying that he's this horrible person because of it, is a bit too far. In all of my personal interactions with Tyler, he has always been nothing but respectful and kind towards me. He has never spoken to me in any sort of submissive manner or tried to engage me in any type of sexual conversations or anything of the sort. I spoke highly of Tyler based on my interactions with him and no one can say that I'm wrong for that. 

♡ I also firmly believe that he's a good person, he's just a good person who just has something that he needs to work on, like the rest of us. We're all flawed humans and we make mistakes and I'm sure this is something he'll strive to fix if it happened. Saying that you want people to know the truth but then painting me as an enabler of abuse and Tyler as this horrible dom and terrible person is very very far from the truth.

♡ Also we come back to the fact that I am not Tyler's sub, or girlfriend or friend with benefits so why are people's issues with him being brought to me. If he has a pattern of abuse/manipulation, it should be brought to my attention for me to stop interacting with him but one isolated incident is not something to attack me about and call me an enabler etc. If you have a problem with Tyler, please address it with him, but do not try to accuse me of being okay with something I don't know about like I know everyone who he interacts with.

♡ That's all I have to say, please don't send me any other asks about the situation because I've said what I had to say and prefer to not be involved in something I don't even know about, thank you very much.

[gallavictorious]

I really wish people would stop excusing their favorite character's actions with convoluted theories instead of just accepting that their faves aren't perfect. Ian should not be comparing Terry and Frank. Full stop. Especially not to Mickey's face, when Mickey is in the middle of trying to deal with the complicated feelings he has about the father that raped him by proxy and tried to actually murder him. It's ok to say "yeah you're right I don't know what you're going through but I'm here" and not make it into a shitty father competition.

And I really wish people would refrain from making groundless assumptions and recognize that trying to understand a character's motivation for doing something does not equal taking a stance on whether or not the action discussed is morally sound but alas, nonnie, we live in an imperfect world.

For those just turning in, this ask was received in response to my addition to this post.

Now, nonnie, if I understand you correctly, you disapprove of what I wrote because you see it as 1, an attempt to excuse Ian's behavior because 2, he's my favourite character and 3, therefore I can't stand to have him do something wrong. You also think that, no matter his motivations, Ian shouldn't be comparing Frank to Terry. Below, I'll quickly refutate points 2 and 3, as well as detail the difference between explanations and excuses and – hopefully – demonstrate why you can't with any sort of certainty claim that the offending post is an example of the latter. I will not really engage with the question of whether or not Ian was wrong for saying what he did, because (as we shall return to forthwith) that was not the issue originally discussed, it doesn't actually interest me, and as you do not offer any sort of reasoning for your moral judgment there really isn't anything for me to work with there anyway.

Strap in, kids; it's another long one.

Let's start with your claim that Ian is my favourite. I'm not actually going to spell it out there, but instead direct you to paragraphs 3-7 of this post. A little lazy, perhaps, but I'm sure you can appreciate why I have limited time to point out the same basic flaws twice in a fairly short period of time. (Should I pin a pic of me holding up a little sign reading ”Actually, Mickey is my favourite, even though I love Ian too” to the top of my blog? Would that be helpful?)

Moving on to point 3, I do agree with the general notion that it's fine to accept that the characters we love (no matter who that character is) are flawed and make mistakes! If you had taken the time to familiarize yourself with my thoughts on Ian and Mickey – or if you had, you know, just asked – instead of jumping to completely unsubstantiated conclusions based on a single post, you might even have realized that them being fucked up and making fucked up choices from time to time is one of the things I find most compelling about them. They are messy and complicated and human, and I love that. I neither think nor want either of them to perfect, because perfection is unrealistic is static is boring.

With that out of the way, let's get to excuses versus explanations. If one confuses the two, any attempt to discuss or explain a persons behavior will be construed as an attempt to excuse it, but to understand something and to condone it are actually two different things.

For instance, I can explain and understand why Mickey acted the way he did in 3x09, but still think kicking Ian in the face was wrong. I can explain and understand why Ian called Mickey a coward and a pussy in 4x11 but still think he was wrong for doing so. Do you see? Understanding – or trying to understand – why someone did something is not the same as saying that what they did was okay. Understanding the reasons for someone's actions might lessen the severity of our condemnation (for instance, stealing is generally considered wrong, but most of use would agree that stealing bread to feed your kid is less wrong than stealing bread because you're too stingy to pay for it) or might remove condemnation entirely (hitting someone because you are angry with them is wrong, hitting someone as part of consensual BDSM sex is fine), but understanding an action does not automatically lead to declaring said action morally correct. In short, ”why did X do Y” and ”was X right or wrong do to Y” are two different questions, and the fact that our answer to the second question often is at least partly dependent on our understanding of the first does not change that.

So explanations and excuses are not the same. And yet, sometimes the reasons for doing something (or failing to do something) are offered up as an excuse; as a reason why someone should not be held responsible for their actions, or why they were correct in performing/not performing them in the first place. That neatly leads us to the question of whether or not that's what's actually happening in the post you took exception to. And the answer to that is... you can't know. What boys-night and I discuss in the post is what Ian is actually doing (is he trying to compare trauma och convince Mickey he had it worse) and why he is doing it; that is, we are trying to understand and explain his behavior. Neither of us make any sort of statement on whether or not he was right or wrong for saying or doing what he did: that's just not the topic of conversation. Now, maybe I do think his motivations means that he's morally justified in what he said; maybe I don't. My point is that you can't know that just from what you've read in the post. You might draw some tentative conclusions, and they may be correct, but you don't know, and the reasonable and responsible way to go from there is to seek clarification by asking (polite) questions, not aggressively throwing around accusations about others grasping for straws in a despertae attempt to exonerate their favorites from wrongdoing.

(And just to remind you, even if I were making excuses for Ian, it wouldn't be because he's my favourite or becuase I can't bear to have him do wrong.)

You are perfectly free to disagree with any of the points made in the post, by the way, but you need to recognize that what we're disagreeing on then is motivation, not morality.

And, oh, of course it would have been okay to say "yeah you're right I don't know what you're going through but I'm here", but that's not what Ian did. Now, if you are happy to go ”ah, Ian fucked up, he's not perfect” and move on, that's fine. You do you, nonnie, and if analysis and discussion of character motivations isn't your jam then it isn't and I'm sure no one is going to force you to engage in it. (And if they try to, you can simply say ”I don't care” and walk away.) However, to be perfectly honest I am a bit perplexed that you should be so indignant over other fans trying to make sense of his actions. Do you still feel that way now that you – hopefully – understand that trying to explain a characters' behavior doesn't necessarily mean trying to excuse it? I mean, surely you are aware of the fact that people usually have reasons for acting the way they do, even if the way they act is shitty or misguided? (Note that I'm not saying that Ian's actions were shitty and misguided. That is not the discussion we're having.) I am rather curious, actually, as to what you think Ian's motivations were? Do you imagine he was deliberatedly diminishing Mickey's trauma? Why, if so? Do you perhaps think that he is obsessed with being The Most Victim and thus takes every opportunity to list all the ways Frank sucked? Or maybe that his mouth just moves without any thought or reason and the words just randomly happened?

To be fair, it seems that Ian's motivations is not something you consider relevant: you write that ”Ian should not be comparing Terry and Frank. Full stop.” And that's absolutely a moral stance you can take, albeit certainly not the only one. Maybe Ian shouldn't have said what he said Had you given any reasons for this verdict, I might even have agreed with you because I can think of several reasons why it might be better if Ian refrained from comparing Terry and Frank, no matter his motivations. (And I might not, because I can also think of several reasons why such a comparision might be justified, even though Terry is clearly the more evil of the two.) However, we shall never know, because you fail to back up your claim. I guess that's because you deem it self-evident? It is not, and until you provide any sort of reasoning for your grand proclamation, I won't engage with the question. Not going to shadow-box with you, nonnie, or do your work for you; if you want a discussion, make your case properly. Though maybe make it elsewhere – as previously noted, passing judgement on the characters is not my primary interest when discussing them. I am much more intrigued by trying to understand why characters do and say what they do and say.

Phew. Okay, that's me done, I think. I realize that you might not be very impressed with this answer, nonnie, but I hope it may to some degree reassure you that no sneaky attempt to excuse my favourite character's actions with convoluted theories was made by this humble blogger. Not this time, at least.

[warmau]

{Regular Inspired!AU x NCT} Sicheng

tw: weapons mention, violence mention, n*fw elements, be warned. everything written here is a work of FICTION, it does not in anyway reflect reality, nor do i condone any of the extreme behavior. ♢ introduction ♢ pick mark instead | pick haechan instead | pick yuta instead | pick johnny instead | pick doyoung instead | pick taeil instead ♢ special route: pick ten

“don’t fall in love with sicheng, everyone always does it and everyone always ends up the same.”

“sicheng?”

“are you asking for him or are you confirming him as your pick?”

the way jaehyun phrases that questions makes something coil up in the pit of your stomach

should i not pick him? it’s just he said he’s going to beijing which means ..... ill be far from people who could possibly hurt me ...... right?

before you can formulate another thought, let alone even look up at jaehyun

you feel a soft hand turn your cheek the opposite away

sicheng’s beautiful features come into full view and you nearly topple backward off the desk 

you swear you see him smirk a little at your fumble, but you can’t really be sure if he wasn’t just wearing it the entire time

“ill take care of them”

he puts emphasis on each word. a slight accent slips its way through and you swallow.

take care of me?

“well - are we done here then? they’re going to be packed up and shipped to china and we’ll NEVER see them again!”

haechan spews, crossing his arms over his chest and eliciting a glare from mark

“they’ll come back fine, sicheng i trust you know what you’re doing?”

jaehyun puts a hand on sicheng’s shoulder and out of everyone in the room, he looks most comfortable with the gesture 

because doyoung’s eyes narrow and taeyong doesn’t look up from where he’s chipping away at his nails but stops the small action as soon as the temperature shifts 

“poor thing, couldn’t you have picked me~ now you’re going to china and i haven’t even gotten a chance-”

johnny sings, swishing around the wine in his cup 

you assume he’s just doing it to break the ice blanket that seems to have quilted the room

but then sicheng’s warm hand travels down from your cheek to your wrist

as he gently tugs you up and off the desk

“of course jaehyun, you and your father know how i am.”

sicheng says a string of words in mandarin and you can’t for the life of you even begin to guess what is being discussed 

all you can focus on is his skin on yours - you aren’t used to being touched by strangers

well, it’s been much more than just touched hasn’t it? 

you sigh to yourself and try just slightly to see if you can wiggle free-

you can’t. sicheng’s hold was soft at first but now it’s like you’re grounded beside him without much of a choice

“you are meticulous, i will give you that. when do you leave for beijing?”

sicheng’s gaze is on you now

he has brown eyes like everyone else in the room, but they don’t look human when they’re only mere centimeters away

they seem to be speckled with foils of gold, as if they’re reflecting light from an unknown source

the power almost leaves you unable to speak and you assume sicheng must be aware of this overwhelming effect he has on people

because once again, the small smirks blossoms and he answers easily

“whenever they’re ready.”

“m-me?”

you feel him squeeze your palm

“shall i drive you home so you can get your bag?”

your hands shake as you reach for your toothbrush - acutely aware of the presence that’s occupying your living room

sicheng had commented, after getting out of the car and opening your side of the door like a gentleman from a movie, that your quaint apartment building was “cute”

he had seemed almost amused by the fact that you still used keys to get in 

“you don’t have a keypad?”

“the building is a bit old so ,,,,,,,, “

he had hummed - shadowing after you into your cramped living space

you had invited him to sit down, but he had taken right away to the window

realizing it now as you tried to pack without going into full-blown panic about the situation, that window looked right out onto the street he’d parked

meticulous,,,,,,,, that’s the word jaehyun used to describe him,,,,,,,,,i wonder if that’s a good thing?

your train of thought is cut off when you feel your phone vibrate in your pocket

you thank your past self for putting it on silence and pick it up, trying to mask your whispering with turning on the sink water 

a friends voice crackles to life on the other end

“hey, are we still on for lunch tomorrow? i wanna hear all about your new job!”

you want to match their enthusiasm, but with everything that’s transpired -  you can barely work it up

“ah- i can’t i -”

you rack your brain for a believable excuse as to why you can’t keep the date - oh my grandma’s sick, oh i have to do overtime even though it’s my second day, oh i accidentally stumbled into the inner business of an illegal ring of criminals who said my life is in danger now!

but another thought dawns on you

couldn’t i just tell my friend im in trouble? couldn’t she call the police for me and then this nightmare would be over?

your pause leaves your friend confused on the other end of the line

sicheng is in the other room, but you could take him on - couldn’t you? 

you swallow - a nervous feeling like cold ice flows through your veins and you start

“hey, actually - “

you stop short

won’t she just laugh at me? whose going to believe me - a lowly intern - that the biggest family name in south korea are actually a bunch of criminals?

“actually, i got a little sick. i’ll text you when i can do lunch again, anyway - gotta go!”

you hang up before your friend can even protest. you stare as the screen ends the call and your background photo pops up instead

a knock on the bathroom door nearly makes you jump out of your skin

“all ready?”

“y-yes, im coming out.”

you turn your phone off and place it in your pocket again. you gather your toothbrush and some other necessities

you give sicheng a weak smile as you pass him, not sure if it’s because you’re terrified he might know about the call or if you’re trying to calm yourself too by putting on this act that you’re fine

that you’re not ,,,,,,,,,,,,,, scared

“that’s a light bag. do you have everything you’ll need?”

sicheng’s words come out slow and calculated as he looks at your duffel bag

you nod, slinging it over your shoulder 

“we will be in bejing for some time.”

he looks you up and down and again those inhuman eyes seem to eat you up whole

he then says something in mandarin - leaving you staring at him stupified from lack of understanding

but he seems to think you don’t need to know what he’s said as he ushers you back into the car

you watch the cars pass you by on the way to the airport. you try to take in details because you’re worried you’ll never see this country again

who knows what will happen in bejing? but sicheng can keep me safe, right?

suddenly you feel a hand on your shoulder - you look back over and see sicheng is still watching the road ahead

but his large palm is resting on the material of your shirt

“you did a good job.”

“w-what?”

“you lied to your friend, that was the right decision.”

he pulls his hand back and onto the wheel

even though he’d been speaking to you - he hadn’t even bothered to initiate the eye contact

though you don’t know if you could stand it, feeling your face pale because how had he known? had he been listening in on your when you were in the bathroom?

the care turns the bend leading up to the doors of the gates, the switchboard lists numerous asian countries and the destination flights and terminal numbers

laos, thailand, india, indonesia - so many other places than china, than beijing

sicheng swiftly walks in the direction opposite the ticketing booth and you catch up to him only after you’ve noticed how many strides away he is

“shou-shouldn’t we check-in?”

he simply smiles over his shoulder and you don’t know what the feeling coiling up in your stomach means

you clutch the strap of your bag and follow him through the large, unfamiliar airport 

don’t we look suspicious together? sicheng is so tall and walks with such refinement - and im carrying this duffel bag ive had since freshman year of highschool,,,,,,,,,,,isn’t someone bound to notice us?

but it doesn’t happen - instead, the security seem rather cordial even friendly toward sicheng

tipping their heads or smiling when he flutters by

is this the jung influence? or is sicheng something of a powerhouse himself?

you’re lost in your thoughts when suddenly a gust of air hits you - the automatic doors at the end of a long hallway you didn’t even notice you were passing through open

and sicheng saunters up to one of the many small, but sleek jets that are parked in a quartered off section of the airstrip

a pilot greets sicheng in mandarin, they begin discussing something as you stand with your eyes wide open 

a private JET? 

you run your eyes along the white body before reaching one of the wings. spanned over it are chinese characters you’re not familiar with.

“come, it will take maybe two hours.”

sicheng steps back as the ladder extend from the jet’s one entranceway

the pilot and he wait as you make your way up the stairs - legs barely holding you up from the utter shock

the jet is just like you imagine it to be - everything is so unnecessarily fancy

and you sit stiffly in the oversize chair - eyes wavering on the flatscreen tv that hangs above the partition to the pilots cabinet

sicheng follows after, patting your shoulder again

“relax”

he says - or commands - it’s all a blur and you close your eyes softly and to yourself begging that this is all a dream - it has to be ,,,,,,,,,, it just has to be

when you land in beijing it’s already early dawn - you’re exhausted to no end, even though you think you took a nap on the plane

either that or spent the whole time sweating about how this was really happening - really, really happening

from waking up this morning, going to your first day on the job, spotting mark and jungwoo, ending up in the basement of jung enterprises, packing your bag

and now here

with sicheng

in beijing

sicheng doesn’t seem phased at all, he looks like this is another day on the clock for him as he takes your duffel bag off your tired shoulders and heads off the jet with a nod toward the pilot

“it’s ok i can carry-”

“your eyes are tired. you need sleep.”

well,,,,,,he’s not wrong but -

“are we going to your house?”

it’s probably the most childish thing you could ask right about now, but sicheng doesn’t seem to mind 

he simply shakes his head

your exhaustion makes it hard for you to be as scared and as nervous as you were before. the panic you’d felt had drained you 

so even though your mind was blaring alarms, you followed behind him like a puppy

what else could you do? he was the only person you had in this new place 

as you two walk out through the airport, you’re surprised to see the beijing is still bustling even though it’s so early

the clock on the switchboard glares that it’s about 5 in the morning, but business people and travelers are already making the rounds

sicheng glides through them with ease, but unlike before - he keeps his head down 

sort of using your duffel bag to shield the view of his profile

you scamper to keep up with his long legs, and finally, you end outside again

sicheng brings his phone out and makes a call, and nearly a minute later a motorcycle pulls up before you two

sicheng drops the duffel bag back in your arms

“yukhei. take care of them.”

“why aren’t you speaking man- oh oh i see~”

the rider takes off the matte black helmet to reveal a handsome, young face underneath

“im yukhei!” 

he introduces - but sicheng just pushes you gently forward and clicks his tongue at yukhei

“go. they are tired.”

yukhei huffs but beckons you closer. you turn to sicheng and open your mouth as if to say “are you insane? im not getting on the back of some random dude’s bike!”

but sicheng’s eyes swirl a little colder and you decide to keep your queries to yourself

plus,,,,,,,,,,,yukhei seems nice? he doesn’t have a,,,,,,taeyong or a jaehyun vibe,,,,,,,,,,

“you will see me again, don’t worry.”

“oh sicheng - look at you being all caring, wait till hendery hears about this!”

yukhei teases and you give an understanding nod as you back up toward yukhei

he grabs your duffel bag, slinging it over himself and confidently tells you to get on and cling to him as hard as you can

sicheng rolls his eyes before he’s gone back into the crowd of the airport

what’s going on? i thought he was going to “take care” of me?

you assume yukhei’s going to take you to his home - or to someones home - not to the ritzy hotel lobby you stop in front of 

decorated in old decdeance and gold

“um -”

yukhei waves to the desk girls who all giggle into their palm and then tugs you up behind him

for some reason, even though you can’t understand it, their whispers smell like jealousy and your cheeks start to burn

he brings you up to the 9th floor and there’s a room with the same chinese characters that were on the jet

you take the moment to ask yukhei, “does this say jung enterprises?”

he laughs, “no - they say dong sicheng!”

you blink back confusion, but then he’s pulling you into the grandiose suite and pointing out that the bedroom is down that hall - that sicheng said you were tired and it’d do good to get some rest

“where did sicheng go?”

yukhei shrugs

“probably to deal with his parents, anyway ill be here! so you’ll be safe - that’s a wong man’s promise!”

you nod - turning on your heel to go toward the room but stopping to ask one more question

“is sicheng,,,,,,,, famous here?”

yukhei almost doubles over with laughter because he genuinely thinks you’re joking

but when the blank look on your face doesn’t change he straightens up

“well, yeah - he’s the only son of the dong family. they’re basically chinese royalty.”

you hit the hotel pillows and for a second you think your body is melting into the sheets

you had wanted to pry yukhei more about sicheng - but the weight of the world had pushed you right into bed

you curl up and try to remind yourself to ask later, later - after a little nap

you think it’s part of your dream, the insistent shaking and the screaming, you think it’s just a bad dream cultivated from the rollercoaster of emotions you’ve been on today

but then you wince - because the yell is loud and gruff and the hand on you is cold to the touch

with a gasp, you wake up and see yourself staring up at a man 

he’s unfamiliar, with a gun pointed directly at you

he’s telling you to do something in mandarin but you have no idea what and you pull away, eyes big and frightened

you can tell he’s getting frustrated, he leans over to grab at your ankle and harshly pull you off the bed

when a hand wraps its way around his neck and turns it to the side with a loud and perfect crack

the gun that had been in his hand goes falling onto the sheets and you scream

sicheng is standing behind the crumpled over body and he reaches toward you

afraid you coil up, threatened and shaking, but he soothes in his slow voice

“i won’t hurt you, i need you to trust me.”

you want to scream again - trust him? trust him? everything is ruined because of him and whatever stupid fucking scheme you got caught up in 

but you know you can’t - whatever is happening is wrong - and when you feel him pull you toward him, it’s like your instincts are telling you this is the safest place right now

beside sicheng

you hear his name being called from the next room, you think the voice is yukhei 

there’s another voice - maybe two or three and as sicheng leads you back into the suite’s main hall you see that there are multiple of these masked men

all restrained on the ground with rope - or being held back by who you can only assume are sicheng’s accomplices

“kun - are there anymore?”

“no, this should be all of them.”

the exchanges are quick and in mandarin - you can’t understand and you desperately bunch up the fabric of sicheng’s shirt as your knuckles go white from clinging to him

his broad back keeps you nearly out of sight from everyone when you feel it - 

something swats at you - in an upwards motion - it almost knicks you 

but sicheng’s reaction is fast and he spins you both so that you end up in his position and he ends up in yours

the small pocket knife cuts the left side of his cheek and the blood streaks down onto his chin

not even taking note of it - sicheng reaches out - hand on the face of the assailant as he tugs him down by the hair and delivers a strong knee to their face

they tumble backward - and you realize it was another one of those men

they’d been aiming for your back with that knife and instead - sicheng had taken the blow

you look up and sicheng barks something out - but you aren’t even mentally in the room in anymore

instead you’re looking up at him, his beautiful skin is stained with the red from the gash

you want to ask first if he’s ok - if he needs a bandage, but that’s ridiculous the answer is: of course he needs one

but the second question stays with you for a long time - why? why are you protecting me? wouldn’t it be easier if i get hurt and then you and the jungs don’t have to worry about me anymore?

either way - when you come to - you see that those men are gone and instead 

you’re sitting on the coach beside sicheng and yukhei and a group of other men

“sicheng - seriously, why would you volunteer to take them here? you’re already a target yourself - isn’t this just doubling the risk?”

“isn’t it obvious kun - look how cute they are!”

“oh my god hendery is THAT the only thing that ever crosses your mind?”

“im just saying, isn’t that the reason sicheng - huh? huh?”

you can’t catch what’s being said - but suddenly the eyes are all on you

sicheng’s cheek has been cleaned up and patched - he explains that you don’t understand mandarin all that well and the mood in the air shifts

“that’s fine! ill use english - im hendery, and the rest of these idiots are not important! soooooooooo tell us, how’d you woo sicheng?”

someone makes a sound of disdain and you look in the direction away from hendery, this person is sitting up straight - posture absolutely immaculate and glasses perched on the end of his nose

his arms are crossed and he looks defensive

“that’s kun! he absolutely suuuuuuuuuuuuucks!”

hendery sings and falls back against the shoulder of another boy who shoves him off

kun directs his eyes onto you and then narrows them

“so - you’re sichengs new plaything?”

“kun.”

sicheng starts and kun doesn’t glance his way 

“what? am i wrong?”

the tone of voice is condescending and judgmental - he doesn’t even know you and yet he’s saying something so rude?

“who cares, sicheng - did you tell your parents your back? chances are they sent those goons after you.”

“hendery ,,,,,,,, why would his own parents try to have him murdered?”

the boy throws his hands up in exclaim

“i don’t know? for the drama! they’re entertainment moguls - imagine the press stories!”

you sit up a little at the new fact - so sicheng’s parents are in the entertainment business? what’s he doing working for the jungs?

“no, they don’t know. but right now, i need to ask you guys to help me.”

“is something wrong?”

your voice is shaking as you ask, but sicheng gives you a soothing smile - it’s not very much effective with that huge gash on his cheek though

“no. i just thought our entrance to beijing would be safer. kun and yukhei - will you keep them company while i clean up this mess?”

kun is about to say: absolutely not

but yukhei jumps up and winks

“of course - you just be careful ok sicheng!”

sicheng turns to you and tells you he’ll be back soon. 

that’s a lie.

he vanishes for over a week and during that week you end up being moved into the almost dubiously normal apartment where kun lives

on the outside, it looks normal - middle class

it’s nice, but not fancy. the neighbors are all either hardworking youths or families

kun is known to them as a graduate student with an interest in tech

but the reality is, it’s a money-laundering den set up under the jungs 

when you’re first dropped off there by yukhei - kun refuses to acknowledge your existence 

he sits behind his computer - wiring checks through different banks and forging signatures 

another side business you figure out from your hours of observing is money fraud

kun spends great time looking at foreign bills and reproducing them to perfection

one day you lean over and look at the sample bill he’s made

pointing out the serial number on the left

“you can’t keep it this way.”

you point out and kun tosses a look at you over his shoulder

“excuse me?”

“there would never be a chain of  numbers starting with this - it’s a misplaced pattern and tellers will now it’s fake.”

“how do you-”

you shrug, “i went to poland when i was younger and i just remember this detail.”

you turn the bill around and then pass it back to kun 

he stares at you - once disinterested and even angry expression turned rather intrigued

“are you usually interested in details?”

you sit down beside him and look at his screen, it’s in another language - polish you presume - so you don’t get any of it 

but you nod

“details always make sense - people in my program back in university would say im a perfectionist, but i just don’t want to make-”

“mistakes?”

kun finishes your sentence, pushing his glasses back up by the frame and you nod

“yes. this is why all of this is so nerve-wracking. it’s too bizarre. the details don’t add up.”

kun snorts, “details usually aren’t supposed to add up in this business. otherwise, the wrong people will come looking for you.”

“you mean like the police”

kun gives you an almost sympathetic side glance - although he can’t blame you, you’re not used to this - sicheng made it worse by bringing you here as a part of some stupid deal with the jungs

and then sort of tossed you into the corners

“here, let’s see how detailed you are.”

kun shuffles through a pile of folders and places them in front of you

“they’re various fakes i’ve made before - it’s really wasting time but if you can find the problems it should keep you entertained for a while?”

you smile, taking the folder and for the first time there’s almost a little bit of warmth coming from kun

even when yukhei swings by with lunch - he seems peppy about the change in the “temperature” of the room

the days get a little better as you wait around for sicheng to come back

kun is actually quite,,,,,,, tolerable of you,,,,,,,,and he’s impressed that you didn’t lie

you pick out some of his fault bills and he seems to respect you a little more for the way you carefully handle the nonsense, but welcome tasks he gives you

one afternoon, yukhei is back with lunch - this time with hendery in tow

“hey if you’re bored you can come take a ride with me-”

he starts to ask, slurping up his noodles before receiving a whack on the head from kun

“taking them out would be dangerous yukhei, think before you speak.”

“OW! I BURNED MY TONGUE KUN!”

you look down into the broth and sigh

“is kun being super mean to you still?”

hendery whispers when he hears you - but you shake your head

“i just wonder,,,,,,where is sicheng anyway?”

hendery sits back up and shrugs

“if you wanna see him so bad - we can make it happen. hey kun, can i turn on the tv?”

your eyebrows furrow

“why? did something happen - was it on the news?”

you get up, almost spilling your noodles - your look of alarm only humors the two boys as they reassure that’s not it

when hendery fishes the control out from one of the bookshelves he clicks through the static and the channels before settling on one

you stare at the screen - it looks like a movie? or maybe a drama? 

the setting reminds you of your university, the library, the students and then -

“s-sicheng?!”

you lean forward and your jaw nearly drops because sicheng pops up on the screen

his lines are all in mandarin and he’s being pulled around by what is probably his love interest in the drama

but that’s not why you’re in disbelief

not only does he work for the jungs - he’s ,,,,,,,,,,,, he’s an actor?!?!

“he’s super popular here too - his face is on like every brand of ice-cream.”

hendery chimes in and you want to ask something when kun marches back in - shutting the tv off

“they didn’t have to know that”

he hisses and yukhei rolls his eyes, “if they’re going to be here for six months - they’re bound to find out!”

hendery nods in agreement 

“the dong family are all famous actors, but they also own a number of the big fine arts theaters in mainland china. sicheng acts, but he’s probably going to take over one of the departments soon.”

“h-how if he works for the jungs?”

yukhei taps his chin and hendery shifts sort of uncomfortably like there’s some kind of truth that everyone knows except you

you want to call it out, but suddenly the door clicks open and sicheng comes in

he’s wearing all black, hair stylishly done up and he slips the mask off his face as he greets you with a gleaming smile

“see, i said i would be back.”

you don’t have to ask him where he’s been or what he’s doing anymore - you’ve sort of pieced it all together

he comes closer and closer until he’s putting a hand on your head and giving it a little pat

“sicheng you can’t just pet someone like they’re a -”

kun starts, but you don’t hear the rest

is this what jaehyun meant - meticulous? organized? so well - that he could live a double life as a beloved actor in china and a criminal in south korea?

the stars in your eyes are apparent to everyone in the room, kun tenses up, but sicheng is used to it

he turns after “greeting” you and asks kun how the transfers are coming along

hendery and yukhei snicker and venture into the kitchen

you’re not sure how embarrassed you’re supposed to feel - but you are sure that something on your skin feels a little hot

sicheng sticks around, he even moves you back out of kun’s apartment front and into a nearby hotel

less fancy than the other one and this time, he requests that the back entrance be available for him to come and go

one evening you’re sitting beside him as he finishes a call with jaehyun and you ask the itching question on your mind

“why did you join the jungs if you’re so successful here in china?”

his mouth twitches up a little 

“ah - so you found out?”

“that you’re the son of famous actors and are on every makeup brand ad in beijing? yes - i found out.”

he laughs

“you’re being sarcastic - right?”

you blush, you don’t know why, and look down at your feet

“well - i don’t know. i joined because i was bored?”

“b-bored?”

he leans back against the sofa and looks up at the ceiling 

the angle highlights the strength of his jaw and glistening of his skin, the scar on his cheek is healing and even it can’t take away from his beauty

“yes. being famous isn’t all it’s cut out to be.”

he grins

“don’t i sound selfish?”

you shift

“were those men who broke into the hotel, were they after you - or after,,,,,me?”

“oh, they were after me. i havent been in beijing for over a year. my parents put out a reward if i was found.”

“a year? then that drama hendery showed me -”

he tilts his head your way and his gaze alone makes you feel a shiver in your spine

“was it where i played a university student?”

“yes”

“ah - it was a rerun. i shot it two or three years back.”

“and it’s still on air?!”

he humbles himself with a shoulder shrug, “maybe it’s that popular?”

part of the way he talks so languidly about all of this irritates you - but the other part of you can’t help but be mesmerized

what kind of person finds boredom in a life born into stardom? what kind of person doesn’t pick up a hobby to help it - like video games or crocheting

instead choosing to be the overseas link for a gigantic company like jung enterprises

so many questions fill your head, more than when you were basically forced to come here in fear of your life

sicheng grins and says something carefully - as if he’s cautious about the right words

“i can hear it. the gears in your head turning. you are curious, right?”

you try to shake your head, but it has to be obvious - sicheng’s read you like an open book since you made eye contact back in the basement of the jungs

“it’s just ,,,,,,,, a lot.”

he suddenly leans in close - pretty face mere inches from yours

“i know what can take your mind off of it.”

the thoughts that had clouded your brain seize - everything in your body seems to come to a screeching halt

he’d always had this power of overwhelming you, but now he was - he was tipping over that border

“sich-”

you can’t even say his name, not when he’s looking at you like that and talking to you in that voice 

what does he mean? what does he have in mind? is it what im thinking-

the moment where he’d saved you from the attacker in the hotel room seeps back into you

the feel of you pressed into his back - the fact that it didn’t make sense for him to protect you like he did, to take the pain for you

he’d known you for less than 48 hours and he’d done that - what were his motives? it didn’t make sense

and on top of that, he was china’s it boy - he really - he would never put the moves on,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,you?

sicheng laughs because it looks like steam might come out of your ears

he takes your hand in yours and goes

“i was suggesting i take you out to see beijing, so you can stop having all these questions and see the beauty of the city.”

something inside you pops with relief, but another part - deeper away - deflates 

exactly. he’s an it boy, a dream boy, so you need to stop thinking that stupid little act of kindness meant anything. especially not in the grand scheme of things.

you chuckle, as a way to push past your nervousness and nod

“s-sure”

you inch a little bit away from him and sicheng thinks it’s amusing

“but - are you sure you can just gon on the street? won’t you be,,,,,,, mobbed?”

sicheng fishes a black facemask from his pocket - “hiding in plain sight?”

you don’t know why your stomach does a little flip like you’re on some first date back home, but it does

as sicheng tugs you through the busy streets and you can tell that no one really looks twice at him - not with the mask and the baseball cap

and you’re inconspicuous in general, blending in among the talkative tourists and rushing native trying to get to and from all the places sicheng wishes he could show you

you can’t see all of beijing in two hours - and sicheng is definitely trying to play it safe  - so he takes you wangfujing, buying up snacks and pointing out the crafts and decorations the hang between the malls

you spot his face on advertisements left and right - kind of thrilled by the act that no one even knows that their favorite actor is pulling you behind them right under their noses

sicheng explains that his parents own a theater nearby, that if he could he’d love to show you some of the productions they put on 

and you ask in the busy, loud street if sicheng likes acting on stage or on the screen the most

he astonishes you once again when he picks neither

he takes your hand and twirls you around, much to the utter annoyance of some older women

and pulls you in close

“i like dancing the most.”

the whole experience feels like a fever dream of some sort - from the moment you two sneak out the back door of the hotel

to when you’re back and standing in front of the bed holding a panda sicheng had bartered to buy you

it says beijing loves you in bold letters on the tshirt it’s wearing and you don’t know why but you hold it close to your chest

beijing doesn’t love you - it doesn’t even want you to be here - and you wish you were home, feeling the lack of familiarity starting to grow

but something warm lingers, from where sichengs hands passed the bear onto you 

and your tears dry up on your cheeks and you think - it’s fine, it’s only six months

sicheng explains the next day that he needs to be gone for a bit, just to do some small parts in order to please his parents and keep off the radar of anyone looking for the jungs here in china

he leaves you in kun’s care - and after time has gone by, you can tell kun has warmed up to you

actually letting you do tasks that would help him - and even offering to cook you lunch one afternoon

the only thing that seems to irk him as much as when you two first met is the mention of sicheng

but it’s not like you can help it - there’s so much you don’t know

you set the pile of highlighted documents down near kun

“you’re done?”

“yep, i checked them over twice - you don’t have to ask.”

you laugh and kun even seems to give you a twinkle of a smile in return

you shift a little, looking around the room

“do you know if sicheng is shooting another drama?”

kun’s fingers stop typing and he looks at you for a second

the coldness is back in the dark brown of his eyes and he clears his throat

“you need to be careful.”

“what?”

kun looks back at this screen and then at you, taking the time to slip his glasses down on the file you’ve put before him

“don’t fall in love with sicheng, everyone always does it and everyone always ends up the same.”

“the same?”

kun clenches his teeth

“do i have to spell it out for you? they end up heartbroken and feeling like an idiot.”

you don’t understand the spite, aren’t he and sicheng friends?

“i -”

“there are other men in the world. men that don’t live double lives, running around eating up the spotlight. don’t get me wrong, i respect sicheng. he works hard to make everyone happy. but he isn’t - “

kun searches for the word as you stand there feeling more and more pathetic by the second

“but he isn’t reliable. you should know that, with the way he comes and goes.”

you think, well you know, kun is right. 

to be honest - you don’t think you’re in love with sicheng - how could you be? you’ve only known him for a bit over a month. 

although you think it’s strange, that the moment he saved you replays in your mind more than the moment when you woke up in the jung’s basement

more than when you met all of sicheng’s friends

or even more then when you got to run around beijing with him for a little while

you go to sleep now, every night thinking back to it, thinking back to the image of him standing between you and danger

blood dripping down his cheek - not a seconds of hesitation when it came to protecting you

with kun’s logic, he’s right - sicheng probably did it because of some impulse or even worse - because he wanted to be a hero

he’s an actor after all, the limelight is a specialty, but you can’t help but buck against the ideas

it had felt like sicheng did it because he didn’t want you to be the one hurt

was it because jaehyun would get on his case? but why - having you gone eliminates the problem

was it because he’d look cool in front of his friends? his friends didn’t even know you, and kun didn’t even seem to want to know you back then

so why? why? why?

you don’t look at kun - you just sort of nod and ask if there’s anything else you can do

kun waves you off, but an hour or so seems to feel slightly bad for blowing up on you

offering that you two go out and buy some groceries for a nicer dinner than instant ramen or fastfood that yukhei could bring back on his bike

you agree, mostly because you don’t want to revert back to the awkward and hateful atmosphere that you’d first had to stew in when you met each other

and to your relief, neither does kun

you guys talk naturally - even confusing the cashier who kun shyly explains to you called you his significant other on accident 

you laugh it off and are too busy rummaging through the bags to see the way kun’s eyes linger on you

as you’re walking back to the apartment - kun stops under on of the streetlights

you turn back and ask what’s wrong

“i want to ask you again, well i didn’t ask the first time - i just made the assumption, but are you in love with sicheng?”

you feel your hands sort of twitch in response - you thought that conversation had been buried away 

“i-”

you start, wanting to explain to kun where you are right now - what you’re thinking

hendery, xiaojun, yukhei - they were always kind to you. but kun had spent the most time with you and you were getting to a point where you thought you could see him as a sort of confident about all this

you obviously didn’t want to worry sicheng with your doubts (or your emotions)

so telling kun might actually make it better

“kun, i just i think i-”

the sound of tires reveing against the street cuts your sentence off

you both turn to see yukhei’s familiar motorcycle and he waves as he pulls up onto the curb

tugging off the helmet he greets you two with his usually goofy smile and points to the grocery bags

“is mama kun making something good tonight? can i join?”

you giggle and kun rolls his eyes, but invites him anyway

the weird moment and the weird question kun had asked melt away, at least they do for you 

as you listen to yukhei excitedly explain one of the new upgrades on his bike

kun slinks a little behind. he wonders what you were going to say.

for a while everything seems to be “normal”

normal meaning no one attacks you in the hotel room or comes raiding kun’s apartment

you think surviving this isn’t going to be that hard - not the horrible nightmare you had thought it was when you were getting on the jet to fly over here

when sicheng is around, he’s always got a way of keeping your attention. you usually don’t focus on anything but the work kun gives you

but when sicheng is there - you kind of feel like another fan watching one of his dramas - he’s just ,,,,,, he’s like living artwork

and you know he knows you peek - because sometimes he’ll look back at you and wink

the mindless flirting sort of makes you feel sprinkles of joy, but you try to level it out with what kun had said 

maybe you are another “plaything” - something sicheng thought he could keep around for when he’s bored

but he’s otherwise,,,,, respectful,,,,he never crosses a boundary or does something that might make you feel like a toy - or like less of a person

if anything, he’s done more to keep you safe and happy 

when he isn’t around though - you help kun out with small tasks which you say aren’t really criminal right?

most of the money, according to kun and sicheng, is just from “sales” the jungs makes 

you don’t ask - they don’t tell and plus you’d rather do these tasks than sit around being useless

you’re scared that’ll make kun hate you again

hendery will sometimes come over and make you laugh, yukhei keeps pestering about that ride on his bike that kun refues him from giving you and xiaojun - though reserved - tries to make you feel comfortable too

you think it’s crazy, such sweet boys work for the jungs - but for some unknown reason they don’t mention it

and they never help kun or sicheng with this work? actually you’re not sure - do  they also work for the jungs? do they work for sicheng’s parents?

still many questions - but it somehow feels like you’ve fallen into an ok groove

one call from jaehyun ruins all of that

sicheng had been around, making you feel giddy and safe for the past few days 

you, him, and kun had been working on printing money for an upcoming trip doyoung was going to take under the guise of a “marketing meeting”

when the phone had wrung and the color had seemed to drain out of sicheng’s face

you didn’t know why, but you gut said it had something to do with you - and you were right

immediately after hanging up, sicheng had called out your name

“get up, we have to leave. now.”

instead of scrambling to your feet first - kun beat you, grabbing sicheng by the arm

“what’s happening? where are you taking them?”

sicheng shrugs him off

“don’t be concerned. make sure yukhei knows im taking his bike.”

panic starts to make your mind go fuzzy, the room spins as sicheng starts collecting your things 

“the hotel has my -”

“no time, let’s go. i need to get you to safety. it’s part of the deal.”

the deal?

you follow after him, as confused and scared as the first time he’d lead you into this unknown place

but this time kun takes a hold of your wrist and tugs you back toward him

sicheng turns on his heel at the sound of your back hitting kun’s chest

“tell me where you’re taking them sicheng, im not joking.”

“kun let them go.”

“tell me.”

the hold tightens and you stare up at kun - something is different about him, he could be cold and unagreeable but this was just downright,,,,,,,,,,, frightening

“im sick of it, what was the point of bringing them here in the first place? did you get tired of playing around with the stars - wanted to ruin someone innocent?”

sicheng’s eyes overcast

“kun - what are you accusing me of?”

“they’re a person, sicheng. a person whose life you put in danger by getting them involved with you - with us - with the fucking psychopath jungs. don’t you remember what they’re doing to ten and yangyang?

two names you’ve never heard of pop up and you want to ask what the hell is going on 

but then the two of them switch into fast paced mandarin and you’re stuck in an absolute limbo

“of course i remember, that’s why i started this. i thought it would help ten and yangyang.”

“and what about now? what about taking them out and frolicking about the city like you aren’t famous? like your parents wouldn’t blow a lid on you and this whole thing if they found you out on a date with someone they’ve never met before?”

“kun, it’s my life. i can do wh-”

“it’s THEIR life too sicheng - people are not toys! stop treating them like they are!”

sicheng’s hand suddenly wraps around your other wrist

“they aren’t a toy to me. you wouldn’t understand.”

“tell me sicheng, sicheng who was born with a goddamn gold spoon in his mouth - what wouldn’t i understand? the way you take people and use them up?”

sicheng jerks you, and out of fear of hurting you, kun lets you go

you fall back against sicheng’s side

“they’re just like me kun. they ended up in a situation they didn’t want to be in. they were scared and couldn’t tell anyone. it’s simple, i saw myself in them and want to keep them safe.”

“you? keep someone safe - sicheng you’re more selfish -”

sicheng leans forward, you look up into his eyes and he ignores kun as he presses his lips tenderly to yours

he pulls away - your body frozen over as he locks eyes with kun again

“i can be selfish, just like you’ll always think i am, and that’s why im taking them right now. somewhere safe.”

he turns and you barely follow behind - knees shaking

kun commands sicheng to turn around and explain, but sicheng shakes his head

“you can’t think straight right now, it’s the jealousy talking - you won’t hear me out.”

you are still trying to process what the hell happened as sicheng throws a leg over yukhei’s motorcycle

he beckons you over and before he slips the helmet over your head - you ask him, words barely audible

“wh-why did you kiss me?”

he gives you a small smile - but it’s not the one you’re so used to seeing

so used to being struck by 

it’s almost,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,sad

“because i might not get the chance to ever again.”

he turns on the engine and motions for you to hop on 

you do, because you trust him, wrapping your arms tight around his waist

sicheng speeds off into the streets at a pace even yukhei hasn’t gone at

you suddenly wish he’d have worn the helmet instead - but you somehow know he wouldn’t have allowed that

you think you might be suffocating sicheng with how hard you’re clinging onto him - just like that time in the hotel ambush

you don’t know where he’s taking you or what’s going on - you don’t know anything and yet what scares you the most is what he’d said

why won’t i ever see you again? is it because you’ll die? or because i’ll die? is there trouble? i just want you to tell me you’ll keep me safe again,,,,

to motorcycle pulls up to the gates of a large open field - in the field you see the jet that brought you to beijing

in front of it is the pilot - who doesn’t waste time getting the stairs down from the opening of the jet

sicheng gets off the bike first, helping you right after and slipping the helmet off your head

 gently he fixes the strands of your hair that have gotten all messy and you talk a mile a minute

“sicheng what’s going on? why was kun so angry? and why do i have to lea-”

“one question.”

he goes

“ask me one question, and then you must leave.”

you swallow - your throat is dry and you stare into his beautiful eyes - those golden specks rotate hypnotizingly around his pupil

why did you kiss me?

why were you and kun fighting?

where am i going?

what happened?

“why,,,,,,,,did you save me on my first day in beijing - wouldn’t it have been easier for me to,,,,,,,to have just been hurt?”

he smiles, tilting his head a little as he keeps his eyes locked on yours

“because i said i would keep you safe. that’s a silly question.”

“but you didn’t have to - you didn’t have to - no one is forcing you to keep that stupid promise to jaehyun,,,,,,”

he runs a hand down your cheek

“it’s complicated. but ill tell you something. even if it really didn’t matter, even if i had just met you. i still would have protected you.”

he leans in and once again you think he’s going to kiss your lips - leave you frozen and unable to think for yourself

but he doesn’t kiss your lips - he kisses your forehead and mutters 

“because we’re the same.”

the words are cryptic - you can’t ask what he means because the pilot is gently pulling you toward him instead - toward the jet

when you get on - you rush to open the window and see as sicheng gets back on the bike 

he looks over his shoulder and it makes your heart stop for a second in your chest

before he’s gone

the plane flys you back to korea, where mark and johnny pick you up from the airport

you ask them what’s the issue and mark explains that a criminal rival of the jungs in china had been suspicious of sicheng for a while

that one of his informants had caught a glance of you and sicheng on the street - confirming the suspicion that he’d been working for the jungs

“technically we asked sicheng to come back with you - so we could protect him too, but looks like he said he’d take care of it himself.”

“so,,,,,,,,so it’s my fault,,,,,,”

you whisper and johnny tries to play it off - “of course not! it’s not your fault - plus jaehyun trusts sicheng can handle himself! now c’mon, how can we turn that frown upside down?”

you look out of the window of the car - lost in thoughts, and mark taps johnny on the shoulder - motioning to leave you alone for right now

a couple of days pass and you’re allowed back in your apartment - of course a member of jaehyun’s team is always there to keep an eye on you

you don’t really know what to do but wait and see if someone - anyone - will give you an update

did that person see me and sicheng when we went out together? was it when we landed? if i had never chosen him and went to beijing then he wouldn’t have gotten in this trouble!

it’s when the door opens and instead of haechan or jungwoo, yukhei comes in and mark springs up in confusion

he pulls his gun - “who are you?!”

“yukhei!”

mark turns to you, “we said not to tell your friends-”

“hey hey, what’s the problem little dude - im with sicheng!”

mark blinks “you’re with sicheng?”

from behind yukhei steps out just the man of the hour

you notice a cast wrapped around his arm, but other than that he’s relatively unharmed

you rush toward him - nearly tackling him 

“are you ok? im so sorry - if it wasn’t for you having to take me with you back to beijinig-”

sicheng puts the other hand on your cheek and gives it a little squish

“shh. im fine. aren’t you happy to see me?”

mark look between the two of you, bewildered and yukhei elbows him in the side as if they’ve been friends for years

you bury your head in sicheng’s chest and he laughs, gently running the fingers from your cheek into your hair

“let’s go dude - they need their space!”

yukhei exclaims, pulling mark after him and through the small door to your apartment

mark protests, but yukhei overpowers him easily and suddenly it’s just you and sicheng

you think you’re going to start crying - from the happiness and the confusion

“why didn’t you just come back with me? why did you stay?”

sicheng waves the cast around

“i wanted to personally deal with the problem.”

“why?”

“because that bastard threatened to kill you and sicheng actually went crazy on him.”

you look back at the door - where kun is leaning against the frame

“kun! you’re ok!”

you jump to your feet and kun kind of half smirks at the sound of worry in your voice

you don’t see sicheng roll his eyes behind your back, but kun doesn’t step closer

he looks at sicheng and on purpose tells him in mandarin

“i believe you for now, but if you end up tossing them to the side like everyone else - just know ill be waiting. and i won’t forgive you.”

“thanks, but that’s not in the plan.”

you huff

“can you guys please speak so i can understand - you two were in dire danger and the last time you did this you almost killed each other so please, im begging, don’t spike my anxiety through the roof.”

kun lets out a sound, sort of grumbling as he turns to follow after yukhei and mark

you look and see sicheng has stood up

“i now have time to answer any other questions.”

he laces his fingers with yours and you think - where should i start?

“why did you kiss me?”

“wanted to.”

“why did you kiss me in front of kun?”

sicheng grins, “to teach him a little lesson”

“why?”

sicheng shrugs, “just so he knows, that i like you.”

“why do you like me?”

“why - do you not like me?”

you scrunch up your nose and sicheng laughs again -

“fine, it’s because of what i said - you are a lot like me. we’re the same.”

“how?”

you don’t understand - you’re a uni student with an otherwise boring as hell life

how could you and dong sicheng - an actor, a boy born into richness with this starvation for adventure - be even remotely similar

“because even when you were thrown into all this. even when you were scared - you did it.”

“but - how does that make us the same?”

he leans in and suddenly his forehead is pressed to yours

“because i got thrown into this too.”

“i-i- i thought you joined because you were bored!”

he shakes his head, “there are other reasons. one day we’ll talk about them. for now, do you want to go back to beijing with me?”

your stomach twists

“it won’t be safe for you-”

“it will be. it will be safer there than here. plus, kun told me you are quite good with details.......the word jaehyun uses-”

“meticulous?”

“yes. meticulous. what do you think?”

you would agree - you think you are pretty meticulous yourself, but instead of saying anything or asking any of the million questions you still have you hug him again

because sicheng had said before that he’d be afraid he’d only get one chance to kiss you again

and you just are scared of thinking that that could have been the reality of this situation

“ah, xiaojun brought this back by the way.”

sicheng pulls the panda he bought you at the beijing markets and drops it in your hands - you stare at it 

the shirt on the panda had said ‘beijing loves you’ before - but, in what you presume is xiaojun’s handwirting, there’s a post it over beijing it says ‘sicheng’

you giggle - but then look up at him

he tkaes the post it off and taps the panda’s head

“so - do you want to come back with me? or do you want to switch and pick someone else?’

“that’s a silly question.” 

you copy him and tip toe up to press your lips to his own

he grins against your lips and then goes, “we’re going to have to convince jaehyun though - he was a bit mad about this situation.”

“that’s fine - doesn’t he trust you.”

sicheng nods, looking deep into your eyes

“he does. but i hope he knows that if anything, just say the word and ill always pick you over my allegiance to him.”

you can’t believe what he’s said - you just look at him and see something in those words

“sicheng?”

“yes”

“i don’t know what jaehyun has over you - or how he forced you to work for him - but let’s get it back and let’s make sure you never have to see the jungs again.”

something sparkles in his eyes and he nods, slow and quiet

when you guys rejoin everyone outside, mark is too distracted with yukhei to notice the change in your expression

hendery and xiaojun who are also waiting realize it, yukhei does too when he looks over his shoulder. kun smirks to himself. finally

with your help

they’re all going to get back at the jungs.

spoiler: to know why sicheng joined the jungs - read ten’s special route!

[cowpokecorner]

Cowpoke Korgi at it Again

  CK: Howdy folks!~ Yeup it’s me again. Now I wanted to take the time to write something cause it’s been on my mind and recent events have made me even more so want to write it now then ever. And sadly no, I’m not talking about the Micah fic, but that will be in the works soon! I just gotta figure out a plot..... ._.;;;; Anywho, this particular thing is actually a bit of a dive into Micah as a character. Now unfortunately because I am poor ((;~;)), I do not own RDR2 so I suppose you can take this with a grain of salt if you want but what I have done is watch at least 5 or 6 playthroughs now and my friend has been lovely enough to antagonize and stalk Micah for me. uwu ((Thanks PB >w> hehe)) As well as me looking up content from the game on my own to learn more because when I take an interest in a particular character I tend to hyper fixate. So with my knowledge of the character and my bit of knowledge from behavioral health and psychiatry from college, I’d like to discuss the man that is, Micah Bell The Third

((Discussion under cut because I will be talking about trauma and other things that may be triggering to some))

So with all things I’d like to start from the beginning which would be Micah’s childhood. Now we don’t hear too much about how he grew up but what we can gather from the way he talks about his father and his out look on life, that it wasn’t pretty. And with many of his lines it seems it was probably most likely abusive. We as human beings are a product of our upbringing. This is even more so true of that time period where children were even more so expected to follow everything their parents told them. It was the societal norm. It’s unfortunate but the truth. We now days have a lot more freedom to grow into the people we want to be.  But Micah didn’t have that option. His father seems to have been his main if not only caretaker. We never hear of his mother nor is a mother figure ever mentioned. This honestly makes sense with his poor ability to interact with women. So from his actions and words already we can deduce he was in a sour situation with no other parental figure to look out for and protect him. His mother may have even abandoned him and Amos. Sadly we’ll never know as Micah says nothing for us to go off of. This gave Micah a very poor outlook on life. A cruel world where everyone kills each other over small things just because they can. An eat or be eaten world. Being taught this from a young age would cause him to be a very sour and dark person. Which is why he behaves the way he does. Mostly looking out for himself because he can’t trust anyone.  But can you really blame him? As he ages things only seem to get worse. He watched his father almost kill his brother. The one person who is your protector and meant to guide you through life, might easily turn and kill you if you do anything to piss him off. He had no one. Except maybe Amos. This brings me to further on in his life and more of his pain that causes him to be such an angry person. While many of us would see it as Amos getting away from a toxic lifestyle and doing better for himself, Micah clearly sees it as a betrayal. As abandonment. It’s why he talks so poorly of Amos even though he tried to reach out to him.  In Micah’s mind Amos left him. His own brother wants nothing to do with him. And where does this leave Micah? With no one. No family. No loved ones. No one to have his back and be there for him. He’s broken. Lost. Looking for something, anything to fill that void. For a while he just accepts being on his own and bouncing around. But he finds Dutch. And after their meeting something draws him to this man and makes him want to stick around with him. And honestly with his behavior I’m pretty sure I know exactly why. A father figure. Dutch is the father he wanted, the father he deserved but never had. It’s why he sucks up to him so much and is so jealous of Arthur and John. He wants that acceptance, he wants that praise. He wants Dutch to look at him the same way he looks at his boys. And it’s why Micah tries so damn hard. He makes so many references, sons of Dutch. Insisting on calling Arthur his brother. This man wants a family. The family he lost and no longer has. The problem is it isn’t that simple to just insert yourself into a family and be a part of it. And we come to Micah’s final actions. He has tried so hard to impress Dutch, to be seen. But it never happens. He’s never as good as Arthur. Which is why in the low honor ending he is so angry. Because in this particular ending, Arthur has been just as bad as him. Has just as bad of morals and kills and robs just as much as Micah. They are the same. Which is why Micah says he’s not better than him. He is so frustrated that in the end he still couldn’t get Dutch’s approval even though Arthur was just as bad as him. Just as awful of a person. But Dutch still wouldn’t accept him. Now of course Micah also turned on the gang, but if you were trying so hard to get someone to accept you but they refused to and it was your life or theirs..... Are you so sure you wouldn’t do the same? Plus yes he fought and was rude with most of the gang but it’s because he was so closed off and didn’t want to get attached. Plus other things such as his views on people. More unfortunate things taught by his father. Seeing some as parasites.  The biggest take away here is that Micah is a very broken man. And while I do not condone his actions or excuse them. I do understand why and what brought him to that point. This is why I like him. And I’m sure why many others do to. Micah is just a human. He made bad decisions and became a monster because of his circumstances. And it’s interesting to look into this character and what caused his down fall. Not to mention.... It’s all learned behavior. Meaning it can be unlearned. He just needed someone, anyone to give a fuck about him. All humans just want someone to care and Micah is a victim of his unfortunate life. So that’s my ted talk. Take it or don’t, that’s just the way I feel about it all. Micah is way more complex than people give him credit for. It honestly buggers me that people act like he isn’t. But sorry about the mouthful. ^^;;; I just really wanted to get this off my chest. Thanks for reading!!!!<3

[sage-nebula]

I’ve been mulling over Jenna Marbles’ most recent video for the past few days, processing both the video itself and what it means for the future of someone whose content honestly means a lot to me, and I think I’m finally ready to throw my own opinion unto the masses, at least to get the thoughts out of my head and the emotions off my chest.

So, with all of that being said, first and foremost:

Jenna wasn’t canceled. 

Read that again, if you need to. I really think this is something people need to understand. At no point was Jenna Marbles canceled. No one was calling for her to be canceled. Her video came as a shock to everyone for the sheer fact that she wasn’t being canceled.

At no point did Jenna’s viewership tank. At no point was she a negatively trending hashtag. At no point were there masses of people wanting to #cancel her. People did tweet at her asking her to address her past videos, yes. She says this herself in the video. But a handful of people asking her to address past videos or current friendships does not a cancellation make. Jenna’s fanbase is in the millions, and I’m sure that although they stood out starkly to Jenna because she is a sensitive person who genuinely cares about how she affects people, the people that were sending her tweets requesting answers were far fewer than the support Jenna has had for years now. So no, Jenna wasn’t canceled. This wasn’t Cancel Culture™.

With that said:

Jenna did address racist videos that she made in the past (along with slut-shaming videos as well). She showed the clips, she flat out said that they were racist and wrong (unacceptable then and unacceptable now), and she didn’t make excuses for them. She apologized. The wording of her apology wasn’t always the best (“I’m sorry if I ever offended you” veers close to “I’m sorry you were offended”), but her intention and the meaning was clear. She regrets ever making that racist content. It’s not content that she would create now, nor is it content she condones. It was racist and wrong and she’s sorry.

So the question is: Why are so many people trying to defend the content that Jenna herself finds reprehensible? 

I have seen many people (white people, namely) who are trying to say “that wasn’t even blackface” (even though it was) or “it was a different time back then.” First of all, while Jenna did have a bad spray tan back then, she was doing a mocking impersonation of a black woman. It was blackface. Second, blackface and racism weren’t any more acceptable in 2011 than they are now in 2020. As Jenna herself said, it was wrong then and it’s wrong now. Yes, those videos are old, and Jenna’s content has changed drastically since then. However, 2011 was not so long ago that it was a completely different era of history—and even if it was, blackface was still racist, derogatory, and wrong even during the period of history in which it was everywhere. There was never a single moment in time when blackface was acceptable or okay. There was never a single moment in time when making racist impersonations of an Asian language was acceptable or okay. And Jenna herself recognizes this—she says as much in her video, where she says that what she did back in 2011 was wrong, that she should have never made that content, and that she’s holding herself accountable for it. There is no excuse for the content she made, there’s no dismissal for it. It was wrong, she knows it, and the fact that she owns up to that and holds herself accountable is what (in my opinion) makes her worth respecting as a person. But with that said?

If you’re not one of the groups featured in the racist content, you really do not get a say in whether it was racist or not.

White people don’t get to judge if something is racist toward black people, or Asian people, or anyone else. If you’re not a woman, you can’t say if something’s misogynistic. If you’re not queer, you can’t say if something’s queerphobic, and so on and so forth. You don’t get to say, “This wasn’t actually blackface and wasn’t really racist” when you yourself are white and plenty of black people are saying otherwise. They get the final say. So even if the problematic content in Jenna’s old videos was up for debate (and it isn’t), you are not the one who would get to debate it. Black people are. Asian people are. Those affected by the slut-shaming video are. I understand you’re a huge fan of Jenna’s, and I am as well, but you do not have a seat at the debate table for this discussion. Your place is in the audience. And on that note?

People in the affected groups are not obligated to accept the apology.

I’ve also seen (mainly white) people attacking black people or Asian people who aren’t accepting of Jenna’s apology for whatever reason. Fans are angry because Jenna has clearly changed and doesn’t make racist content anymore, and so they don’t understand why people are still upset with her. But here’s the thing: A hurt person is never under an obligation to accept an apology for the people who hurt them, and from what we know of Jenna’s character, she would agree with this. If a black person can’t bring themselves to forgive Jenna for the blackface, they’re perfectly within their right. Someone saying “sorry” doesn’t erase the hurt that was done, and sometimes it isn’t enough. So if you feel the need to start a fight with someone because they say they can’t bring themselves to like Jenna because of her old videos, don’t. It’s really not your place, and again, given what we know of Jenna’s character, she wouldn’t want you to do it anyway. (Though on that note, I’ve seen far more black and Asian people saying they accept her apology and forgive her than not. So again, this isn’t a mass cancellation. It was never a cancellation. No one canceled Jenna, she chose to apologize and take responsibility for her actions of her own volition, and that’s something that should be respected, not reacted to with horror.)

With all of that being said, there’s a second side to all of this that I think a lot of people don’t know about. Julien posted a message on his twitter yesterday regarding Jenna leaving her YouTube channel, and I recommend that everyone read it, but the long and short of it is that while Jenna absolutely meant everything that she said in her video and truly does regret ever hurting anyone and doesn’t want to hurt anyone ever again, she is leaving her channel NOT because she has been “chased off,” but rather for her own mental health.

Jenna has been a public figure for a decade. Aside from a rare vacation here or there, she has consistently made a new video every week, on top of other projects (such as their shared podcast, the Twitch stream, et cetera). Particularly given the sheer audience she has been producing content for, that is a lot of stress for one person to handle, and with everything going on, it’s not in Jenna’s best interest for her to handle that right now. She’s chosen to leave YouTube indefinitely NOT out of fear of any torch-bearing mob, but rather because it’s what’s best for her at this point in her life. Is it sad? Absolutely. I was gutted when Jenna posted her video saying she was leaving, and I’m even more gutted to know that someone I admire so much is struggling right now. But I’m glad that she’s made the decision that’s best for her. I’m glad that she has Julien to support her, as well as their four furry children. And while I’m sure that most people just didn’t know and thus weren’t purposefully ignoring anything, I think that saying that Jenna left because she was “chased off” the platform instead of recognizing that she left for the sake of her own mental and emotional health both pulls attention away from how stressful constantly being on a stage like that can be, as well as does a disservice to Jenna herself.

This was a long post, but it’s one that I felt I needed to share nonetheless. Jenna is a huge inspiration to me as a person. Not in terms of “I want to have a YouTube channel” (because I definitely do not), but rather in terms of how she chose to live her life however the hell she wanted to live it and embraced the fact that she was a lady in her 30s. I’ve learned to take on a lot of that energy. If the podcast is canceled as well, I’ll be truly crushed. But knowing that Jenna’s channel and potentially the podcast are canceled for the sake of Jenna’s mental health eases that a bit. I want her to be happy more than I want her to produce content out of any sort of obligation. She deserves a happy retirement if that’s what she’s chosen to do.

So to summarize:

— Jenna was not canceled, at all, ever.

— If you are not black, you do not get to determine what blackface is. If you’re not Asian, you don’t get to say whether what she said in that rap of hers was racist or not.

— Jenna has truly changed and grown as a person, no one is disputing that, and her acknowledging her past awful behavior, apologizing for it, and holding herself accountable (while not making excuses) is what shows how she has changed and grown as a person and is what makes her admirable as a person.

— Jenna is choosing to leave YouTube for the sake of her own mental health. There is no Cancel Mob. There never was. Goodnight.

[ice-cream-nekogirl]

How I Relate to Lapis Lazuli

Lapis, Lapis, Lapis...

I have to confess, I did NOT like this gem in the beginning, or at least when I saw the deeper context of her actions it made me dislike her...

However, after a lot of thinking, re-watching and understanding the reasons behind what she had done. I mean she took all her rage out on a gem who did only a minimum of the damage that’s happened to her, lashed out several innocent people and tried to use the earth to benefit her (go back home) because her gem was cracked, even hurt her own friend (Steven) and held a grudge against Peridot and forced her to leave because she hated her so much. And also lashed out and let her anger show to the Navy Ruby because she was too comfortable despite everything that happened to her and Lapis couldn’t understand how she supposedly adjusted well while she herself didn’t. 

I thought to myself, jeez, Lapis is so angry, aggressive and has a lot of issues doesn’t she? She needs to learn how to improve on her problematic behavior. But then after I did all of the re-watching, I was hit with a disturbing awakening...

I’M so angry, aggressive and I have a lot of issues. Lapis has hurt people including her own friends, and I’m ashamed to say I’ve hurt people, including my own friends before. I’ve lashed out at people I felt a resentment towards just because they have things or have done things I haven’t done, instead of trying to understand that I just resented it. Just like Lapis...

I went from disliking her, to understanding her and even loving her. She’s just so flawed and I identify with her, I see so much of myself in her and I think... THAT’s why I disliked her in the beginning... she had everything about myself that I disliked and just tried to deny until I realized it myself on some days in my past and present when I let feelings take me for a ride instead of being reasonable. I just got angry, as soon as I felt the rush of these emotions, I let them have cloud my judgement. I actually don’t really lash out, I’m actually more passive-aggressive, but I’m not proud of it. At all. I realized that being passive-aggressive might actually be worse...

And all of this evaluating more or less made me see that I’m actually more like Lapis than I thought. This was both a rude awakening but also made me kind of happy? I relate to so little characters because it is hard to find a character you can identify with but… for me it’s Lapis. Which is both a good thing and a bad thing. Lapis is many things:

She’s bitter, sometimes cold, and can even be apathetic, whatever’s going on, she does expresses very little care about the situation. But of course it actually all depends on the situation, if it doesn’t concern her, she does NOT care and has a very blasé expression through it all, and I realize that I’m almost too blasé about many things and just go with the flow without a care in the world. Unless I actually care about something, I’m pretty apathetic about it, just like Lapis. If she doesn’t care about something, she’s not shy about showing it. I’m both amused and ashamed that we have this in common. 

She’s also stubborn, angry, resentful and prideful, if she has an opinion she’ll let people hear it and won’t sugarcoat it either. Lapis might not be the most expressive gem, well actually she’s got a range of emotions but settles on a cynical demeanor and relatively calm until she’s pushed into annoyance or something else. 

However, this is often portrayed (rightly so) as a negative thing since it makes her come off as very harsh and sometimes even cruel as she has displayed this level of harshness towards others which makes even her closest friends a bit afraid of her. Lapis won’t budge if she feels she’s in the right, which also showcases how stubborn she is, but that’s actually a trait that seems to be prevalent in other Lapis Lazuli’s as I’ve seen in the new episode since those other Lapis’ were just as stubborn as she is. But the point of this is that Lapis’ stubbornness, while it shows how obstinate she is, it can also put a snag in her friendships as seen in the episode “Raising The Barn”, while also fueled by fear, Lapis put herself before what her friend wanted. I understand why she did because she was terrified that two dictators, including one that rules other blue gems like her, were going to come to earth and destroy them and she wanted to get the hell out of Dodge. But I still am not oblivious to the fact that this decision still hurt her friends and strained the friendship just a little bit. 

Unpleasant traits aside, she’s also tired too, as she often has creases under her eyes to indicate how tired she is, physically and emotionally which makes sense since she’s put up with a lot of things she had no control over and just had to deal with it all. 

Anger, stubbornness and pride are actually traits I didn’t think I had until I re-watched episodes like “Same Old World” and “Barn Mates” which made me understand her character a lot more. I could tell just how bitter she was given that she’s been through so much, and had so many feelings all bottled up because she was both figuratively and literally trapped at some point in her life since she was in that mirror. 

Feeling trapped can enable someone to bottle up unpleasant emotions, and for Lapis it was anger and desperation, anger because she never wanted this fate thrust upon her, desperation because once she got a taste of freedom it made her willing to do anything, anything just so she could get it back. But when anger and desperation come together, it’s a nasty mix because when people are angry and desperate it can lead to hurting others for whatever reasons triggered by anger and desperation. For Lapis it was a sense of finally feeling like she had control and could finally express what she was feeling without anything tying her down or keeping her prisoner again.

I’ve felt trapped before, I’ve been trapped in places in my life where I had no control and I was just left with nothing but my anger and desperation, hoping for the next days to be better so I could try and regain some semblance of my own happiness. And lately I’ve been able to express myself a little bit better, because I’ve met people over the past couple of years who have encouraged me to speak up so I don’t feel as put down on a low level. I talk more, express myself more, but I’ve realized that sometimes the things I say carry a lot more anger in them because… I’m an angry person, I still haven’t let go of the anger I hold onto. And frankly I hate myself for it because I don’t like being angry.

However, this is why I’ve gained a better understanding towards Lapis and shown her more sympathy because I GET why she’s so angry because I’ve been in that place before, that place of feeling nothing but anger and desperation because of the way I’ve felt trapped and like I had no control. And that’s why she seems so distant and cold and lashes out at people, including her friends, she doesn’t want to be tied down again. Because Lapis expresses her anger through aggressive means, which resembles lashing out and letting anything in her path feel her wrath, whether it’s by using her powers or just being passive-aggressive and rude. She’s aggressive in some way, and I didn’t get that until I realized that I actually have my own aggressive tendencies, and I hate myself for it…

I started to understand why Lapis is so distant and cold, because I’m distant and cold because I bottle everything up. There are days where I like to just be pissed off and assume that it’s not my fault, that everything else is the problem when really… I’m the problem. I’ve only recently made that discover, and that’s why I love and appreciate Lapis a little more, while she’s not perfect, it’s made me realize that I’m definitely not perfect. I just wish I was okay with that, because like Lapis, I’ve hurt people before, people I care about, and like her, I feel extreme guilt about it, every damn day, every damn second…

Do I excuse all of the meaner things she’s done? Of course not, but I think that’s the point that we’re not supposed to overlook all of the bad things she’s done, but rather see how she’s grown from them. I wish she had apologized for some of the meaner things she’s done (mostly concerning Steven that is), but overall, while I don’t condone all the mean things she’s done, I do appreciate that she’s learned from those things and is trying to be a better person.

That’s what reassured me, that despite all of these vices and flaws that Lapis has, she also has her own redeeming features. For one, she always feels remorse for her less than pleasant actions, always because she knows she went overboard but in that moment she couldn’t quite help herself because I’ll tell you from experience, when you’re high on emotions, you’re high. It’s a high that you don’t even realize how high you are and that you can’t come down until something brings you back down to earth. Lapis has those highs, but comes down, and she comes down hard as she’s opened up to Steven about how she feels bad for the things she’s done, whether it’s keeping Jasper trapped in the ocean for months, stealing the ocean and hurting/trying to kill Steven and Connie, breaking his dad’s leg, or even leaving Peridot so suddenly and taking everything with her. She feels guilty for all of them, I’ll admit she’s terrible at apologizing but she at least feels guilty for her flaws and is self-aware without having any ignorance of the things she’s done once they’ve happened. I like to think I’m better at apologizing, but that’s because I’m a lot like Steven and have a guilt complex the size of Texas but I might save that for another post. 

Not only that but another redeeming quality she has is that despite all of her pent-up anger, she’s a different person around her friends, such as Steven. She’s calm, sweet and playful with Steven because he was nice to her, one of the few people in a long time to be nice to her, and she took to him and became protective and friendly with him. While he can witness her frightening moments, Lapis never loses her care for Steven, and even apologizes to him when he has to see it all. 

She values her friendships and shows that she is capable of kindness and love someone else. So that made feel better and made me happy because I thought about all the friendships I managed to make, because while I’m a little bit bitter in general, my friends can bring out this cheerful side of me and make me genuinely happy. I change around them, but for the better, and I love them all for that. That’s what I see in Lapis too, she changes for the better when she’s surrounded by her friends as she found friendship in Peridot and Bismuth and is much happier around them and can be herself around them. 

And after a lot of self-reflection, it’s allowed me to realize what all of my flaws are, and the things I do, which of course makes me feel really shitty but I think self-reflection is supposed to make you feel shitty but only so you can get to know yourself and acknowledge all of your imperfections. I have a TON of imperfections, and Lapis has a ton of imperfections which is why I’ve started to love her character. 

She’s imperfectly perfect and I like watching her grow because it gives me hope that I can keep growing in my own way because I do want to grow up too and be an adult about things so that way I don’t hurt people again, and learn to forgive myself when I do make mistakes because I’ve made so many that I wish I could take back but I know I can’t. Lapis is slowly getting better with this too, she’s quite a lovely character really, and I hope to keep learning more from her, and Steven for that matter.

Cuz like Lapis, I’m trying to be better and get better. It’s... not easy, I can’t lie but... like Lapis I have some loved ones who inspire me to be a better person for myself and people who love me anyway despite how unsavory I can be.