#no one understands the amount of joy I get from them | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

boopshoops · 2 months ago

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What your favorite TWST character says about you :)

As a note before I begin: I saw one of these that shamed malleus and randomly even chenya enjoyers- (claimed that they were pick mes or something? 😭) so i wanted to make one that was more positive out of spite <3 make it more about the writing and why people appreciate the characters. Take each of these with a grain of salt i spose- also a lot of them share similar themes <3

(Aka fans who have different views or even blatantly incorrect views of characters will always exist everywhere, but insulting the entirety of a group solely for enjoying a character, many for different reasons, is probably not a great idea!

I get that sometimes people suck and thats understandable, but quit generalizing ok? Ok.

From a malleus enjoyer who just thinks hes a silly little guy and im tired of feeling like i have to defend myself bc he's my blorbo 😵‍💫)

Final note: i love unapologetically taking frustration and turning it into something that can make people smile 💕 also i blindly wrote this from 11pm-midnight :))) dividers by @/cafekitsune!

Heartslabyul:

Riddle: you enjoy and/or relate to the idea of healing from the past. Working hard to improve oneself for the ones around you and yourself: creating a healthier environment where you can be happy

Trey: there is immense complexity in things that are seemingly mundane. Digging deeper and deeper to find something truly sweet and heart warming is your joy.

Cater: maybe you relate, or maybe you used to, or maybe parts of the connections made in the past/presence/future dont feel as deep as you truly want them to be. There is something beautiful about a desire for genuine human connection, but also peace in being alone. There is a safe space for you yet, just be patient. 💕

Deuce: you love drive and determination. An endless stubbornness that keeps one going against all odds. Against every person who tells someone they cant. You watch them get proven wrong, and its pure bliss.

Ace: you find the connection between people beyond words heartwarming: even the seemingly simple ones. The ability to have a connection with someone who can get up to some mischief, tease back and forth, yet be there when you need them to be one of the most valuable things.

Savanaclaw:

Leona: Adversity over a lack of belief in oneself is a very difficult thing to overcome- yet it is very possible with the right crowd, the right amount of time, healing, and effort. You think someone's worth lies more than just within their title/job/appearance, but within the fact that they are able to stand back up and keep moving onward despite the odds. The hope for that change, and the ability to get out of bed in the morning on its own is strength.

Ruggie: Despite being through so much trauma at such a young age, recovery happens anyway. Its not perfect, at times the lessons learned are even rough. The survival tactics that once helped are now hard to ditch when theyre not needed anymore, but the ability to smile and joke and keep pushing onwards is something you value in life.

Jack: Self discipline can be both extremely useful as well as harmful in different ways. You find the way people can constantly strive to better themselves at what they love and/or morally to be highly admirable.

Octavinelle:

Azul: People can be cruel. And sometimes that cruelty inspires cruelty. Sometimes its simply used as a way to move on and survive insecurities created from it. Its hard, its a fight, but those insecurities are part of what make people beautiful. They are nothing to be ashamed of, and even the many tactics and smart ways of learning to overcome cruelness can be beautiful too.

Jade: The mind is extremely powerful. Intelligence and knowledge are not the only important things, no. Using that intel to find entertainment in the surrounding world can be exhilarating. Finding and discovering new unknowns: learning their ins and outs until they're a part of you is something you can relate to.

Floyd: speaking of fun- you love what is essentially the written version of a roller coaster. Ups and downs, ins and outs. Every single twist and turn is exhilarating and new. Every different perspective provides new insight into a multitude of different things. You are along for the ride, and you are having a lovely time.

Scarabia:

Jamil: self discovery can be very difficult after purposefully suppressing parts of one's self for a long time. Yet, the healing happens anyway (once again aha <3). People discover new parts of themselves, slowly becoming more comfortable not only with their environment, but how they react to it. The discovery is freedom, and freedom is bliss to you. New traits about oneself bloom like a flower: if not in the soil, then stubbornly in the cracks of cement. You gently take that bloom from the concrete and pot it, placing it gingerly in a beam of sunlight.

Kalim: Happiness isnt only sunshine to the one smiling, but to everyone else around them. It is delightfully infectious. However, happiness isnt a constant. You think emotions all emotions should be experienced rather than suppressed, because holding back sadness for the sake of others is a disservice to one's self. Discovering your own emotions, any range of them, is what makes people uniquely human. If anyone is holding those emotions back- hell, any part of them back, they need to be let out of the cage.

Pomefiore:

Vil: "Beauty is on the inside" is a saying thats been around for a long time, but beauty comes in so many forms. It can come from the stubborn desire to improve one's self: to be kinder, to help those around you, to be good. However it is impossible to be perfect. At times, for some, this can be crushing. People are hurt unintentionally, natural frustration can brew, the wrong actions can be taken: and thats okay. You believe whats important is to pick yourself up and keep going. To err is to be human, and that is beautiful too.

Rook: Error is beautiful. Symmetry is beautiful. Asymmetry is beautiful. A crack in the side walk is beautiful. Small things are beautiful, big things are beautiful. The nurturing of something through endless care is beautiful. The undeniable traits and hobbies of every individual that make them unique are beautiful. You find the endless optimism in finding beauty to be, in itself, beautiful.

Epel: Sometimes people will view others in ways that they wish not to be perceived as. This isnt in our control, as much as we sometimes want it to be. All you can do i be unapologetically yourself. To be you to the utmost degree. To prove those who thought otherwise to be foolish. You find this strength to find value in yourself despite others opinions admirable.

Ignihyde:

Idia: you have depression /j

Ok for real-

Life can be such a cunt. It can beat a person down, down, down and leave them vulnerable enough to fear it. To fear that beating, whenever it may next come. The anxiety of never knowing what or who will come next, or what one could lose. At times it feels more comforting to find a routine in solitude. But you know that the small things that give joy will wiggle their way in with time. The broken will meet people who love and care and find comfort in the companionship of healing, even from the little things: like a new story to read or game to play.

Ortho: You value unconditional support. Support through everything: the good, the bad, the just kind of okay. Knowing that someone can have ones back for every little thing- to be there solely because they care and wish the best for others- is something you look up to and maybe even wish to be for another.

Diasomnia:

Malleus: god damn people can be so hard to read and understand. They are so complicated: they are books you have to pay attention to from start to finish. But once you reach the end, you have a deep seated appreciation for them, and for the ones who stuck around to read your book too. Even if it was just for a fleeting moment: it is a happy moment. As painful as temporary things can be, it is also what you think can make the relationships we love and have loved so valuable.

Lilia: there can be suffering everywhere. There is war. There is famine. But there are also endless new sights to see. New discoveries to be made to help those still going through famine and war. New ways to love and understand people you never thought you'd understand. The development and positive parts of humanity, even though at times it can look bleak, are ever present to you. You love the discovery: of places and of people.

Silver: you believe that there is solace in being your own individual, regardless of who you are bound by blood to. Being shaped my experiences, friends, hardships, and new places are what make a person who they are. You value finding roots in and making your own home.

Sebek: Dedication can be a hard thing to come by, but when it does it can grab someone by the reigns. Using every waking moment to cherish that thing, learn more about it, become better at something, and strive to better ones self can be very admirable to you. But, on the other hand, it also calls for the occasional rest.

OTHER (just for ones I know well enough, sorry!)

Neige: You love kindness despite hardship. One can go through horrible things and still choose to be kind. The world could begin to end, and one could still choose to be kind, because it means everything.

Chenya: Curiosity fuels exploration. It fuels art. It fuels everything. It fuels excitement. It fuels friendships. It fuels medicine. It fuels life. Curiosity is endlessly fun, and you think that is very whimsical

Meleanor: Sacrifice for others can be tragic. Knowing what another person has given up for someone else, maybe even everything, is gut wrenching but undeniably a selfless love to you.

Crewel: There can be kindness in strictness. In teachings, there can be a parental guide. There can be someone who cares for you and undeniably wants you to succeed. They know that you can, so they push you towards it. You want this support.

Trein: Love surpasses time. When the ones we love are gone, the memories of them are still held close, with the love once given to them, we can show to others through advice and guidance that comes with time. You find comfort in that.

Crowley: People are flawed. We all know this, yet despite a persons flaws... however many there may be, there is still something hopeful and human about it. About having those flaws and persisting regardless. You may even like those flaws, and the unashamed desire to press on even with them on display.

Fellow/Ernesto: Live for yourself. This is what you desire. People are often caught up in material or monetary things. After all, we live in a world that required it to survive and even be respected. To throw away those views and simply live as you see fit: regardless as to whether you earn those things or not, is something you admire.

Rollo: Sometimes the attachment we have to those we lost can be painful. Regardless, that pain is proof that there was care and love. The things done for others, whether alive or dead, are done selflessly. Grief can fuel hatred, but it can also be caused by love. To unlearn hatred and learn to love again after the fear of loss is a natural human experience. It is a process you understand and admire those who take the time and strength needed to properly love again.

Thank you for reading <3

Tags <3

@lowcallyfruity @skriblee-ksk @justm3di0cr3 @cecilebutcher @kitwasnothere

@techno-danger @thehollowwriter @distant-velleity @the-trinket-witch @scint1llat3

@beneathsakurashade @qsoap @twsted-canvas @prince-kallisto @kathxrat-01

@sillyslipperybananapeel @jadelover69 @tixdixl @twstinginthewind

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seat-safety-switch · 10 months ago

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One of the greatest joys in life is using your shitty old car to shut down a legitimately nice car. For any law enforcement folks reading this, I would never endorse street racing. Also, I think I heard someone shoplifting in the other room, and you should go check it out. The best kind of street racing is the street racing the other person doesn't know they're having.

Now, I've had nice cars in the past before. Once, I had a Mercury Cougar XR7 with most of its original paint. Come to think of it, I might still have it somewhere in the backyard. Hard to keep them all apart these days. Anyway, when you drive a nice car, you get this sort of ego boost every time you see a lesser vehicle. How dare you peasants not realize how inferior your base Corollae are? Only a connoisseur can truly appreciate the divine features of this fine automobile.

That kind of mentality is simply not healthy. All of us, each and every one of us, are just a few generations away from being shit-throwing apes. The fact that we managed to make a machine that gets us down the highway quickly is a total miracle, and it's not any more of one because we put a pretty logo on it and charged $20,000 extra to put precision-engineered butt manipulators in the seats. It is this problem that the very fast beater is meant to solve.

When you have a shitbox and that shitbox goes faster than a nice car, whether because of superior driving (not me) or a significant amount of horsepower (not me) or a lack of understanding of your imminent mortality (possibly me) it is a great feeling to shut down those rich folks tooling around in their "good cars." It knocks them down a peg, which keeps them from doing things like going into work and causing another housing crisis. In fact, I'm going to go out and gap some Porsches with an old rusty fire extinguisher filled with nitrous oxide right now. You should come too, so I can get a ride home after the cops bust me for shooting my engine block across four lanes of the highway.

#best of

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uncannydevotion · 2 months ago

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Can you do toby, hoodie, and masky being instructed to kill their s/o by slender? Would they actually go through with it?

a/n: picture me rubbing my hands together evilly upon reading this request okay. this is so so so short but i felt like it would drag on if i made it any longer im sorry </3 but i hope you enjoy it!! thanks for the request, i love angst <3

warnings: major character death in tobys part!! murder, attempted murder, blood, descriptive death, memory loss, overall everyone has a bad time, but hoodie is like... vibing. also not proofread im incapable of rereading things i write.

MASKY

It's certainly not an order he intends on following, but he's well aware that he's susceptible to Slender's influence, so he's not quiet sure how to avoid it.

The only one of the three to actually try and negotiate with Slender. You weren't a threat to anyone, let alone it. He didn't understand why the being was hellbent on getting him to kill you, especially since it knew that he loved you.

And that's just the reason.

He loved you, so you were a distraction. You were a weakness, and Slender doesn't take well to its proxies having weaknesses.

But it was a reasonable being. For Masky, at least. The man was logical, so they saw eye to eye a fair amount of times. He had yet to go against any of his other orders, so Slender was willing to negotiate.

Its terms? Masky would have to cut all contact with you and your memory of him would have to be taken so to ensure you wouldn't try finding him. And in exchange, you would get to keep your life.

Now, obviously, he didn't want that. Masky loved you, so why would he ever want to part ways with you? Almost as if to show him what would happen if he didn't accept its terms, Slender caused the man to black out, and when he came to...

He was in your bedroom, standing over your bed as you slept, a gun pointing at you. His finger was on the trigger, and he quickly dropped the gun before anything could happen.

The thought of you dying, the reality of living in a world without you in it, was enough to make him agree to Slender's terms. Masky disappeared from your life, and your memory of him went with.

Though he remembered you. A sick form of punishment, perhaps, for falling in love. He remembered everything about you.

HOODIE

Hoodie is, out of the three, the one most likely here to blatantly disobey Slender without fear of consequence. Though Slender is technically his boss, he's not the type to blindly follow orders unless they make sense to him.

No amount of punishment has been able to break him, but he's too valuable of a proxy for Slender to rid of him.

When the order first comes to his mind, he almost laughs from the sheer absurdity of it.

He does not care what reason the entity might have for wanting you dead. Hoodie loved you, so he would not kill you. And should Slender try getting one of the other proxies to try and kill you, Hoodie is not against harming them.

His loyalties lie with you, first and foremost.

You are one of the very few things in his life that brings him joy, there's just literally no way in hell he'll let anything take that away from him. Not even his evil eldritch boss can force him away from you.

And unlike Masky, he won't distance himself from you. He's... pretty selfish, to be honest. His very presence puts you in harms way, and you might have people actively trying to murder you from now on but don't worry!!

He'll keep you safe, trust him.

TICCI TOBY

The only one here who will actually kill you. He doesn't want to, believe me. Toby will actively go out of his way to try and defy Slender like Hoodie, even, but he is the entity's most loyal proxy, so it's a short battle.

Toby's loyalty to the faceless being runs deeper than anything else, even his love for you. If Slender wants him to kill someone, then he will.

But he doesn't kill you willingly, if that makes you feel any better. Toby ignores the order for as long as he can, until Slender runs out of patience. And when it does, it will hound Toby with endless static and agonizing pain, punishment for disobeying its orders.

It will break Toby down, and once it's sure that Toby can't disobey it again, Slender will demand he kill you. And this time, in a mindless haze, Toby does it.

Maybe he thinks he's killing someone else, your screams and cries falling upon deaf ears as he slams his hatchets into you over and over again under you could no longer be recognized, your blood staining his clothes and skin.

Toby won't remember you. You were a weakness that had to be purged, so Slender ensured that every memory he had of you was repressed. But even so, there's this aching feeling in his chest. As if he was missing something important, something he can't quite place.

He mourns you, and yet he can't even remember you. He just feels... anguish, for some reason.

#anon #creepypasta x reader #ticci toby x reader #masky x reader #hoodie x reader #proxies x reader #tim wright x reader #brian thomas x reader #so what if i actually write toby happy for once #i feel like i havent done that in a hot sec

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alastor-x-reader-stories · 5 months ago

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"Bite Me" - Alastor x Reader - Part 3

prev first

“Hey, Alphabet.”

Alastor’s eye twitched. He swiveled his head around 180 degrees, grinning down at the short king that had approached him.

“Hello, Lucifer! To what do I owe the pleasure?”

The king leaned more heavily on one leg, spinning his cane with his left hand. “Charlie’s getting kind of worried about one of the residents, so she asked me to look into it.”

“Aaaannd?” Alastor said, snapping his neck as he tilted his head.

Lucifer said your name. Alastor’s ears twitched.

Something was going on with you? Charlie was worried? What had happened-

“So what the fuck do you want with ‘em?” Lucifer said, raising an eyebrow.

“Pardon?” Alastor straightened up his posture as he spoke, turning to face the king completely.

“You’ve been stalking them for the past, like, two weeks.” Lucifer said. He spun his cane back towards him, nestling it under his arm as he motioned with his hand “Let me remind you: you’re not allowed to harm residents of the hotel.”

“I wasn’t aware I was attempting to.” Alastor said, eye twitching yet again.

“Then why are you following them- oh.” Lucifer cut himself off abruptly, seemingly having an epiphany. The fallen angel’s eyes widened, light gleaming in them “Oh! OOOOOH!”

“….what?” Alastor said, not following the king’s train of thought.

Lucifer was bouncing on his feet, grinning so wide it rivalled the Radio Demon’s. His eyes were practically sparkling “I know what’s going on~!” He sang, elbowing Alastor in the side “Y’gotta be straightforward, bambi!”

Alastor took a large step back and took a good amount of joy watching the king fall into his face. He cleared his throat, tilting his head slightly “I’m afraid I don’t understand what you’re implying.”

Lucifer rose from the floor, propping his chin up on his hands while kicking his feet behind him “You, y’know, want their attention!”

“That’s absurd.” Alastor hissed.

“You don’t?”

“No.”

“Not at all?”

“None.”

“You sure?”

“Lucifer if you continue this pointless back-and-forth I will rip out your wings and grill them.”

Lucifer actually paused, letting the side of his head hit the floor as he studied Alastor. There was a bright flash of sparkles and the king appeared on Alastor shoulder in the form of a snake (with a hat). “That kind of sssoundsss like a threat they came up with.”

Alastor chucked Lucifer off of his shoulder. The king poofed back into his usual self mid-air and hovered there. “SooOooOooo…. Do they… y’know?” Lucifer giggled, fanning his hand outwards as rainbow-colored magic filled the space between them “Inspire you?”

“This conversation is pointless and I’m leaving.” Alastor scoffed, making true of his statement by immediately shadow-ing away.

Lucifer landed on his feet and put his wings away. Seems Bambi either doesn’t realize or is too stubborn to admit it out loud. Well. If there was one thing Lucifer learned about the glorified bellhop…

Is that man was made of 105% spite.

Later that day at dinner, Lucifer forsook his usual seat in order to sit next to you. While some of the residents were mildly confused by this (as usually people never ventured from their self-assigned seats), no one particularly cared.

You paid him little extra attention either, simply moving on with the meal as per usual. However, seated across from you, Alastor’s eyes were narrowed intently at the king. Lucifer grinned and dusted off the old charm.

“Heeey, y’know, I was wondering…why are you in Hell to begin with?” Lucifer said, propping his chin up on his hand “Surely an angel like you just got lost?”

Charlie spat out her drink on her end of the table and keeled over while coughing violently, Vaggie frantically rubbing her back to get her situated. Once she was all right (giving a shakey thumbsup), you gave the king a bemused look.

“It’s rude to ask a person of indistinguishable gender what got them hell-bound.” You hummed.

Lucifer paused in his response, too concerned with Charlie’s situation. She gave him another thumbsup and he hesitantly turned his attention back to you.

“Sorry, can’t help myself.” He lidded his eyes, leaning slightly closer “I simply can’t help but want to learn all about you~”

You put a hand over his face and pushed him back “Personal space.”

“Fair.” Lucifer said with one finger up, his voice muffled by your hand.

You retracted your hand and rolled your eyes “Well, I’m not a super share-y person…I mean I’ll do it during Charlie’s redemption activities but that’s about it.”

“And that’s okay!” Charlie chimed in, “I appreciate your efforts!”

You gave her a thumbs up. Lucifer took the pause to glance at Alastor, to find the deer man only paying half attention. Well. That wasn’t what he was aiming for. Absentmindely, Lucifer picked a fry off your plate and chomped down on it.

“Dad! That’s not your plate.” Charlie said, motioning awkwardly.

Lucifer was going to apologize (he’s a bit of an airhead, he knows…) but you made the funniest goddam squeak he had ever heard in his life. Never had he seen anyone so comedically offended by someone eating their fries.

He couldn’t help it- he laughed.

“Dad!” Charlie squeaked “Don’t laugh at them-!”

“S-s-sorry Char-Char but that SQUEAK- Oh my lord…”

He wasn’t the only one laughing. The spider person was joining in, throwing arm across your shoulders in a friendly manner while you seethed in silent resentment. Bar cat chuckled a bit under his breath, Vaggie and Charlie were both trying to suppress their giggles, and Nifty was howling with deranged cackling. Alastor took a drink from his mug but didn’t react much more than a slight snort.

“Lucifer I am going to fill your socks with mayonnaise when you sleep.” You muttered out.

Everyone burst into more hysterical laughter.

Except Alastor.

Who broke his mug in his hand like it was made of crackers.

At the sound of shatter ceramic, everyone’s attention shifted to him.

“Whoops!” Alastor grinned, shrugging non-chalantly as blood dripped down the hand that now had shards of ceramic in it.

“OhMyGosh, Alastor!” Charlie yelped, jumping to her feet “I’ll get the first aid kit-“

“No need, Charlotte!” Alastor hummed, getting to his feet. He reached over the table and picked you up by the back of your shirt like a kitten, tucking you under one arm as he walked off with you. “This one is responsible for the mug shattering, this one will take care of the wound.”

“Wait- Alastor-“ Charlie took a step to follow, but you waved her down and gave her a reassuring smile. Charlie hesitated a moment before sitting back down.

The table fell into an awkward silence. Lucifer was vibrating in his seat while grinning. Nifty was doing the same thing. The rest of the table-people wondered if they were somehow communicating this way.

Meanwhile, for you, Alastor had you held like a suitcase as he entered the kitchen, setting you on your feet.

You dusted yourself off and made for the cabinet the first aid kit was in. Alastor, frankly, had no plan other than to get you away from that joke of a king. So he was left standing their awkwardly as you patched his hand up gently. (He could’ve done it himself, it didn’t even hurt, he just did not want you wasting those ‘threats’ on that stupid lawn-gnome looking bastard)

“There you go.” You said, putting the unused first aid materials back in the kit and the kit back in the pantry.

Your name left Alastor’s lips.

You looked back at him, head tilted slightly.

His treacherous mind abruptly shoved forward the memory of you biting him. Teeth sinking into his shoulder, his blood on your face and the cold look you gave him afterwards. His heartbeat started to race. It was so different from now, your big eyes looking at him softly as though you could warm his entire soul with your gaze alone.

How amusingly two-faced of you…

“Alastor?” You said. He jolted back to the moment, tilting his head.

“Aplogies. Thank you, my dear.” He hummed.

“uh. Sure.” You said, tail flicking in irritation. “You’re a weirdo, you know that?”

“So I’ve been told!”

=============================================

Deer man's in denial.

#hazbin hotel x reader #alastor x reader #fluff #humor

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koalayoo · 2 months ago

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ɢᴏɴɴᴀ ʟᴏᴠᴇ ʏᴏᴜ, ɢᴏɴɴᴀ ɢɪᴠᴇ ʏᴏᴜ ᴀʟʟ ɪ ᴄᴀɴ, ʙᴏʏ

michael kaiser x gn!reader

content: pure fluff for the most part, soft! bf kaiser, reference to his backstory, kind of cocky, better than my last fic for sure

author's note: wanted to write a good christmasy bday fic for him. bit late, apologies. not really proofread or beta'd. apologies again.

wc. 1.3k

Kaiser had never celebrated Christmas.

Christmas was also his birthday.

That means Kaiser has never celebrated his birthday.

This was what had become apparent to you in your relationship with Kaiser, when all the walls between you two had become bulldozed and you realised, yeah, this is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. You had come to understand that with Kaiser’s upbringing and all that he would have probably never received a gift from his father. You wonder if at that age he knew what Christmas was.

Then you started tumbling head-first into a hole of unanswered questions. What would he have even done for his birthday? Was anyone there to ever celebrate with him? You knew how bad he had it growing up, you regrettably knew. Part of you wished you didn’t know how bad it was, hoped that sometimes his father grew to be lenient or that maybe the old women in town that would see him around knew his name. Knew him to be more than Michael “professional neighbour thief” Kaiser and instead as the kid he was. That was just wishful thinking though.

He had received gifts, which was expected. He was a pro athlete but he also had Ness from the age of 15 who had most definitely gifted him something you assumed but weren’t privy to the details. However, he hadn’t celebrated. Hadn’t experienced true Christmas joy. He doesn’t know the feeling of waking up early and ripping open the wrapping paper on specially curated gifts that sit under the tree you both decorated together. Hasn’t felt what it’s like making cookies with the radios ruffled Christmas carols sputtering in the background. Wearing matching sweaters while watching stupidly predictable themed rom coms. Making a wreath to put on the front door. Kissing under the mistletoe. Ughhh, there was so much you needed to show him.

So, you did just that.

As soon as December started, you did your utmost best to get him into the festive spirit.

On the 1st, you brought home a tree and excitedly decorated it with Kaiser. Putting various coloured ornaments on, some the typical solid coloured balls, others with stripes and patterns, differing sizes, differing shapes. Then, Kaiser had placed you on his shoulders so that you could place the star on the tippity top despite your insistence it be him.

On the 5th, you went shopping with two very important things in mind. A wreath, and some ugly sweaters. On the way you slipped in some ingredients for cookies too.

On the 14th, you had started wrapping some presents. You had both agreed 3 presents was a good amount to give one another but you couldn’t help but feel a gnaw at the back of your head. It was also his birthday, you just had to double it.

On the 17th, you had put the wreath up which welcomed him home from a long day at practice.

On the 22nd, you had finally worn the sweaters which you had taken a polaroid of before promptly taking them off, sweltering from the heat of the oven that was baking the cookies you both had put hours into making. Later that night, bad christmas movie #1 was watched.

The 23rd and 24th followed a similar routine. Jam out to a different song before you got sick of it and watch another bad christmas movie.

Then, it was the day.

All the extra presents you hid from him were placed under the tree and you made hot cocoa for two. You had to work quickly, Kaiser was used to waking up at the odd early hours of the morning and there was no doubt he would feel you missing next to him.

Soon, he had stumbled down the stairs and was greeted with you wrapping a blanket around him. You had pulled him down onto the floor and planted a present in front of him, a chaste kiss pressed against his forehead.

“Happy Birthday, handsome.” You whispered softly into the air.

He had begun to wake up more and noticed the excessive amount of presents under the tree. He looked at the presents, then at you, and an eyebrow raised comically.

“And, Merry Christmas too, I guess…” You playfully rolled your eyes with a small smile appearing on your face. “Although that one’s of lesser importance.”

He sighs although he can’t help the small upwards tilt of his lips. “Thought we agreed on 3 each?” “Yeah, but it’s your birthday too! I wasn’t gonna be one of those people, ya know? The ones who just say the Christmas presents are also their birthday presents. You deserve to be celebrated twice.”

“Yeah but-” And you briefly cut him off because if there was one thing you knew about Kaiser which was wrapped behind layers just like the presents was this feeling of foreboding. That he didn’t deserve this. However, your job as his brilliant partner was to teach him to sit there and take it.

So you started to celebrate, taking turns ripping the presents you both put love and care into wrapping. For every 2 gifts Kaiser opened, you opened one of yours in tandem. You giggled seeing him get you exactly what you wanted and teased him when a small blush appeared on his face when he got the same.

Although, there was one last present you wanted to give him.

A house full of love.

You wanted him to learn this holiday season that you were truly never leaving. Not like his mother, or even his begrudging father. That you were full of love for him and everything that came with choosing him. The arguments, the boundaries, the fear; you couldn’t fix it but you could help and that’s the sentiment you hoped to get across.

Later that day when you finished putting your gifts away and throwing the egregious amount of wrapping paper, you enter the living room to see Kaiser plotting.

Before you can fully enter he spits out, “Stay right there.” You murmur in acknowledgement and stay put, eyes trailing the figure that is walking towards you suspiciously, one hand placed firmly behind him. You shoot him a questioning look to which he shakes his head, not budging.

“Should invite Ness over.”

“Why would we do that?” He questions. “Fine with just me and you here, no?”

“Season of forgiveness, champ. Do I need to teach you how to be a good friend too?”

He’s stalked all the way over to you now. He towers above you and the hand he isn’t hiding comes to hold the top of the frame, leaning down towards you. His shirt lifts a little. You look. Then you look back at your boyfriend who has leaned in even closer.

His nose nudges against yours and you knew this was one of his ways of trying to assert dominance with the way a small brazen smirk made its way to his face. Could this guy try not to be a dick for one day? You notice the way his lips brush against yours slightly and you sigh, trying not to be pulled in.

“Answer?”

“Mmm, I’ll think about it?” He chuckles and leans in to swoop your lips against his in a passionate kiss. It didn’t last long because his smile broke the seal between you two apart. His eyes have a gleam in them and they flick up causing you to do the same.

Oh.

A mistletoe.

“When did you learn about this one?” You whisper softly, genuinely curious.

“I had a tough childhood, doesn’t mean I lived under a rock.” He laughs again, this time more joyfully. You’re not sure whether it’s the fact that he successfully tricked you or that you truly rendered him this clueless.

Then, there’s a knock at the door. You see the sliver of magenta hair through the window panels near the door before you hear him.

Oh.

Maybe Kaiser doesn’t need you to guide him after all.

Likes, reblogs, and comments are always appreciated! Title is from December by Ariana Grande. Thanks for reading!

#michael kaiser x reader #kaiser x reader #kaiser x you #michael kaiser x you #michael kaiser #blue lock #bllk x reader #bllk kaiser #kaiser #bllk x you #bllk fluff #kaiser fluff #michael kaiser x y/n #kaiser x y/n #koalayoo

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incognit0slut · 1 year ago

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Pretty when you sleep

As newlyweds, Spencer couldn’t keep his hands off of you. Even when you were asleep.

warnings: (MINORS DNI!) fem reader, consensual somnophilia, unprotected sex, very minimum plot yet very heavy smut. words: around 2k

a/n: In another episode of me getting inspired by a clip that I turned into a gif and wrote something out of it🥴 if you want to read my other attempts at writing a blurb based on gifs, find the hashtag #gifwriting on my page. Also, I can't believe this is my first fic of him as a husband.

YOU WERE TOO PRETTY TO RESIST. You just looked so goddamn tempting while laying on your stomach like that. It didn’t help when the strap of your nightgown fell from your shoulder, uncovering the swell of your breast.

You were so breathtakingly beautiful. So soft. So irresistible.

Spencer always made sure he had your consent every time he touched you. He grew to understand what you liked and didn't like when it came to sex, and sure, maybe thinking of brushing his fingers along your skin while you were unconscious wasn't the best idea. But he couldn't help it. You were just too inviting to resist, so he placed a hand on your hip.

You stirred at the sudden contact he initiated and unconsciously readjust into a more comfortable position, your toes curling before relaxing once more. When you finally stopped squirming around, he reached out again, letting his rough fingers travel up your exposed leg. He started at your knee before going further up between the apex of your plush thighs, where that sweet little cunt of yours was waiting for him.

You were still asleep, even as he started to carefully stroke you, dragging a single knuckle up and down against your thin panties and suppressed a groan as he felt the heat radiating from underneath the material. Your breathing pattern began to change as he continued with his teasing. By the time he circled your clit and added the slightest amount of pressure on it, you started to pant and push your ass higher into the air in response.

He smiled. You wanted this.

Of course, you did. The way your body reacted to his touch spoke for itself. You were already getting so wet that your panties were turning damp and sticky with arousal. He continued to massage your clit through the thin cotton, and he watched in awe as your breath hitched in your throat, almost as though you could feel his actions even when you were unconscious.

Spencer kept his eyes trained on your body as he moved to dip your panties down your legs, carefully lifting your body up just enough to slide them down your curves, allowing them to sit around one of your ankles. Then he carefully slipped off his own clothes, trying to keep as quiet as possible, before his palms splayed against your body to move you onto your back.

“So pretty," he mumbled under his breath as he took note of your loose nightgown and the way it had risen up, exposing more of your skin to his prying eyes. He moved over the mattress slowly, making sure you were still fast asleep, and slipped between your now parted legs.

God, how had he become so lucky? Having you reciprocate his feelings was already a surprise when he confessed, but it surpassed his expectations when you agreed to be his girlfriend. Ten months of pure bliss was what he felt throughout your relationship, and when he noticed some of your clutter in his apartment, he wanted to see it every time he came home.

And now, miraculously, you were his wife. The word carried a weight of joy and wonder that he couldn't quite fathom. Every morning waking up to your shared life, and every night falling asleep next to you, felt like a dream too good to be true.

Granted, you've shared intimate nights so much that he should've gotten used to your body by now. Yet, every touch felt as electrifying and exhilarating as the first time and he found himself still captivated by the warmth of your presence. Even now as he fisted his cock, giving himself a teasing tug as he ran his thumb against the tip, his eyes raking your exposed body.

The way your legs parted for him, showing off your wetness and how already swollen you were even when he was barely touching you. His gaze swept over your exposed breast that slipped out of your nightgown and he brushed a thumb against one of your stiff peaks, feeling the way you trembled beneath him.

The way you shuddered made him jerk his hips against yours erratically, pushing his cock against your mound. Your body reacted to his touch, even in slumber, as your hips arched off the bed. His breath hitched when he rutted his hips forward. The sight of his cock against your abdomen showed him just how deep he would be inside you.

He then eased his hips back to drag the thick, swollen tip through your outer lips. His eyes focused on the way your pussy spread for him, as though inviting him inside. Your arousal coated his swollen head as he focused his attention on your clit, pressing down on it with his cock as he listened to the increased pace of your breathing.

He moved his cock back up as he let the underside split your folds open, resting his girth between them snugly as he let out a low groan at the heat radiating from your core. You were so fucking pretty it was unreal.

“You’re so wet,” he murmured, holding onto the base of his cock as he started to drag the tip through your wetness again, grunting softly as it caught against your tight entrance. “Look at you swallowing me.”

Spencer exercised restraint as he gave soft, subtle thrusts into your aching cunt. His gaze flickered between your face and his cock splitting you apart as he continued pushing himself forward, feeling your body begin to resist his entrance as he tried to change the angle.

"I'm sorry, Angel," he whispered. His chest rumbled with a groan as he felt you clenching around his thickness, causing his eyes to snap up to your face in surprise, thinking that he’d wake you up. But you were still very much asleep. "I can't resist you."

He let out a sigh as he managed to thrust his hips further. He paused for a second to cherish the feeling of his cock being completely buried deep inside you, running his hand over your abdomen as he tried to feel himself inside you, pressing against your pelvis as he throbbed at the sensation.

He held your hips and slowly dragged his thick cock from your cunt, leaving the tip to keep you stretched out before plunging back inside. The restraint he once had now long gone with the way your body hungrily sucked him. His pace increased as he leaned forward, hovering his body over yours with his hands splayed on either side of your head. He sucked in a breath at the way your body adjusted to him, clenching around his cock as he kept rutting his hips.

And then you suddenly stirred. You moved slightly, your chin tilting upward, and your lips parting to release a breath. Your eyes slowly flutter open from your slumber as you feel the warmth of his body, the subtle shift of his weight, and the aching sensation between your thighs.

"What..." Your voice cracked as you turned to see him, only to let out a low groan at him thrusting a bit harder against you.

"Shh, it's just me," he whispered. The haze of your sleep lifted, and your gaze met him at the same time he leaned down, pressing his lips onto yours.

He captured your lips in a slow, passionate kiss. His tongue swiped over your bottom lip as your hands pressed to his chest, feeling his flushed, hot body against your own. You let him devour you while his hips increased in speed, rolling against yours as whimpers began to spill from your lips. Your thighs instinctively tightened around him, curses spilling beneath a heavy breath as the bliss filled your body.

"Spence..." you whimpered. You were breathless, eyes screwed shut, legs now parting even further to give him better access. Throughout the time you were in a relationship with him, you never imagined being woken up like this, but you weren't complaining. Not when you could feel his cock stretching you so deliciously.

Spencer was often embarrassed when it came to dirty talk, but once he realized how much you relished those whispered, filthy words, it became a personal mission to keep you thoroughly satisfied. Knowing how much you loved hearing those filthy words became a secret thrill for him, which was why when he leaned closer to whisper in your ear, you became a whining mess.

“You're always so tight,” he began, his voice deep and raspy, right in your ear before he nipped at the lobe, sending a gasp spilling for your lips as you reached for him in an overwhelming burst of arousal. “Look at you taking me so well. It's like your pussy is made for me.”

A rush of burning heat filled your body, his words affecting you with heat spreading from between your thighs to reach even your toes and fingertips. He buried himself between your neck while thrusting inside of you with rising desperation, pushing himself further, his body rolling against yours.

“Faster,” you begged him in a breathless whimper, all before your teeth sank into your lip, brow wrinkling, moans filling in your chest. It only took him a second to comply. The thrusts of his hips created a loud smack as drove his cock deeper inside of you. You couldn’t help but cry out, overwhelmed by the pleasure, squeezing yourself so tight around him that he let out a grunt.

“God, you feel amazing,” he groaned in your ear, having the proximately to tell you the dirty, nasty things on his mind. His lips brushed over your neck as he increased his pace. “I love fucking you like this.”

“Please… don’t stop—” You gulped with a brief pause. “Feels so... so good.”

He shook his head against your shoulder.

"I'm not stopping," he continued to whisper in his gruff voice, earning goosebumps on your quivering body. “I love feeling you this close.” He pressed an open kiss on your skin. "I love making you desperate."

“Fuck,” you cried out, body weakening with his every word. The sounds of him pumping into your slick, wet arousal became louder the quicker he thrust into you. “I-I’m getting c-close."

You continued to warble out broken sentences, trying to form any coherent thoughts but all you felt was the searing pleasure that flowed through you. The lewd sounds continued to fill the room as your essence dribbled down your ass and onto the bed, staining the sheets. "I-I'm gonna—"

“Come for me,” he encouraged, lips pressing to your skin between words. “Go on, come on my cock.” The choice words sent a shiver down your spine as the heat bubbled between your thighs.

“I'm coming,” you cried out, voice straining and struggling to speak from him leaving you so breathless. Your body tensed as the pleasure swelled through your body and his final confession toppled you right over the edge.

“I love this so much,” he groaned between you gasping as the first wave of pleasure surged through you, “I love you.”

You finally let go, toes curling in ecstasy as you arched your back, legs growing further apart. Your head spins from the warmth filling every inch of you as he fucked you through your orgasm. You gasped his name, overwhelmed with the bliss he offered, the emotions that drove you at his words. You wanted to say them back, but you couldn't even think properly as the wave of pleasure washed over you.

He continued to thrust, eyes closed, brow creased, lips parted, huffing and groaning and holding you tighter until he reached his own peak. The moment a heavy exhale left his lips, his hips slowed and his cock twitched, signaling the pleasure filling him as he released inside of you. You moaned at the sensation before he eased himself and collapsed on the bed, bringing you along with him as you settled on top of his body.

The two of you lingered in the aftermath of passion for a few seconds too long—breathless, hot, sweaty, and tired. When you lifted your head to look at him, you noticed the softness in his eyes, your heart fluttering at the sight.

"Well, good morning to you, Dr. Reid," you teased.

He laughed, his hands absentmindedly stroking your back. There was a warmth in his gaze, filled with affection as you continued to stare at him. "Good morning, Mrs. Reid."

You couldn't help but smile at the endearment as you placed your head on his chest, finding solace in the steady rhythm of his heartbeat. With a contented sigh, you let his warmth envelop you, singking further into the arms of your husband.

a/n: If you have a specific clip you want me to be inspired by, come and drop me a message. But please be specific so I would know which scene you're talking about.

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retroaria · 7 months ago

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｡･:*˚:✧boyfriend bachira･:*˚:✧｡

summary: general dating headcanons for the best boy of all the boys

warnings: umm if you don’t read this and like it I’ll cry, mentions of biting (cuteness aggression), use of pet names

BLUE LOCK M.LIST | enjoy 🤍 - aria

pre!boyfriend bachira who literally tells you straight up that he likes you but does it in such an unserious way that you don’t recognize his true feelings. he’s always touchy and affectionate and often acts that way with his other friends as well so you have a hard time differentiating if he’s being platonic or not.

pre!boyfriend bachira who notices that you DONT notice and gets really upset about it. feels like there’s nothing he can do to get you to see all the love he has literally oozing out of his veins for you.

pre!boyfriend bachira who has already made a great impression on your family and friends. he’s just such a little bundle of joy that everyone loves having around. you’ve also met his mom and she’s so happy meguru has someone who genuinely loves and cares for him.

pre!boyfriend bachira who takes pictures and notes of every thing he sees that reminds him of you. sometimes he shares them with you but often times he’s afraid you’ll think the sheer amount of time he spends thinking about you is weird :(

pre!boyfriend bachira who CANNOT help but engulf you in the most lung suppressing, air tight, vacuum sealed hug of all time every time he sees you. feels this is the closest he can get to you as just friends. (really he wants to plant a thousand kisses on your face and swing you around like a teddy bear in his arms)

pre!boyfriend bachira who doesn’t stop talking about you to all his friends (EVERYONE but you knows that he has feelings for you). He’s spent so much time observing everything about you that he feels like there’s endless things he could mention and if he says one thing but leaves out another they won’t fully understand just how amazing you are.

pre!boyfriend bachira who writes you a love letter with a full declaration of his feelings and a cute little drawing of the two of you playing football together. you go find him immediately after reading it and he’s like “well FINALLY I’ve been trying to tell you for forever silly :D” (you better love this boy or I will hunt you down)

boyfriend bachira who is literally the kisses bandit. will kiss you any chance he gets. passing by you in the hall for literally two seconds? boom! kiss on the cheek. you are never safe (not that you’d ever NOT want this boys sweet little pecks at every chance you can get them). His favorite place to kiss you is everywhere and anywhere he can get to.

boyfriend bachira who finally gets to share all the things that make him think of you. expect to receive texts and voicemails from this boy all day. “I walked past this bakery that smelled just like you!” “This flower I saw is the same color as your eyes!” “I saw the cutest bunny at the park today and it even sat with me for a while, I named it after you! call me back! love you!”

boyfriend bachira who has already curated a list of places he wants to take you. Ranging from his favorite stores and arcades to his favorite parks, under bridges, picnic spots, hidden gems. He’s always out and about finding fun places and his first thought is always how he can’t wait to take you there.

boyfriend bachira who calls you the silliest pet names. pumpkin, bunny, squish, baby face, cutie pie, literally anything that sounds adorable might as well be your middle name in his book.

boyfriend bachira who loves to share everything with you. He’s always giving you one of his earbuds when you walk/sit together, gesturing the straw of his drink over to you, splitting half his food order with you (as long as he gets half of yours :)) I imagine you guys sharing manga, dvds, vinyls, books, anything that’s his that he also wants to be yours. LOVES seeing you in his clothes. His jersey???? Omg he would die.

boyfriend bachira who wants to tell you everything about himself and his life and know everything about you. he’d never push you to speak about something that might be hard to talk about but he wants you to know that you can always be comfortable sharing anything with him. He truly considers you an extension of himself, his other half if you will.

boyfriend bachira who suffers from a terrible case of cuteness aggression!!! he definitely strikes me as a biter/nibbler. he never wants to hurt you and would only do it if you were ok with it but just little love bites on your hands, neck, cheeks, ears, lips anywhere. when you aren’t around and he thinks about how cute you are he has to scream in a pillow or kick his soccer ball really hard lol. Really wants to just squish you so hard you evaporate and become a part of him forever.

boyfriend bachira who if asked what he wants the most in this world would simply say he wants to live a happy vibrant life with you <3

Bachira is probably the loml. I think I would give him the world. I’m finally caught up with the blue lock manga as of last night and I’m literally itching so bad for more I need that new chapter ASAP gotta see goatsagi score that goal 😭

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6okuto · 8 months ago

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KENMA RELATIONSHIP HCS

gn!reader, timeskip mentions

isn't a pda guy, but will fall asleep on your shoulder/rest against you as he games, and if you play with his hair, who's he to say no?

if you change your contact name in his phone, he keeps whatever it is, even if it's super silly or cheesy. like okay call "my honeybear darling angel 😚". he says it's because he's lazy but he does find it kinda cute/amusing

you cheer for kenma at practice in like, a sort of exaggerated way, like "gooo kenma!!! yeaahh!! let's go kenma!! kenma! kenma!" and he tries really hard not to look at you—not because he's annoyed, but because he doesn't want you to notice how red his face has gotten. his teammates point it out anyway

lol his team using you as motivation. "don't you want to impress them?" and kenma's like 😒😒 but gets up from the floor

kenma teaching you how to play his favourite (co-op) video games!! he's pretty patient and explains things well, so if you don't have a lot of gaming experience, don't worry too much ^^ buttt if you're competitive, get ready to Compete. he seems like someone who doesn't take it too seriously unless you start (jokingly) shit talking him

he'll try out any games you like too, even if it isn't something he'd pick himself. he doesn't really plan to when you're describing it, but then he thinks about it, or sees a post mentioning it, and the curiosity (And Affection 4 U :3) gets him

easily notices if you've gotten quieter/tired when you're out. if you're with a group, he'll tap your shoulder and offer his own, ask if you're alright, and or make up an excuse so you can both leave. if it's just the two of you, he's quick to find a place to rest for a while

he'll never make you join if you don't want to, but fans eat up any videos or streams with you—they make edits and compilations of you walking in during streams and everything. the amount of begging for a q&a and story time of how you met is crazydsjdhsj

chat is soo annoying about it too /lh "no they're not single," "i know they're out of my league," "yes they were my first subscriber," kenma telling you not to answer them when they ask if he's clingy, etc etc

! i think it'd be cute if you guys had matching phone cases, but his fans didn't know until you showed up with the other one. and they realize Just how much he has on that's matching you—the bracelet and necklace that they catch glimpses of under his hoodie, the hoodie itself from the same line as yours... yeah.

time for "he said no pickles." unless you also don't like asking/don't care,, then you guys can just take the pickles off together <3

^ if it's a serious mistake they made with your food, kenma's a lot more compelled to approach the counter.

would teach you about stocks. if you asked

mutual info dumping and yapping... he's very aware of how much he's telling you the first couple of times, but gets more comfortable when you do it back !

^ kind of guy to do his own research afterward. he makes a semi-obscure reference/joke the day after and you're like ???? Who told you that.

kind of boyfriend who hears you go "i want him" "wait why's this character kinda..." and isn't like, that offended or put off by it. says "understandable" (or questions your taste), but knows they're a character at the end of the day

quality time kind of guy. people know you're special even if they don't know you're dating because you can convince kenma to go to events or try something new when they wouldn't expect it. (obviously it's never something crazy out of his comfort zone, and it's probably because he knows you'd feel better with someone with you, but he's going all the same!!)

kenma isn't the best with receiving words of affirmation or gifts... he appreciates it, but gets awkward and doesn't know how to react ^^; you reassure him that he doesn't have to jump for joy or be super affectionate back—he shows his love in his own ways !

his gifts are very thoughtful. he gets you something practical, and then things that you've really wanted for a while. his cards aren't filled with long letters of adoration, but they're genuine and very much kenma. (+ having money in the timeskip doesn't mean he'd ever buy something expensive or flashy just because it might be 'easier.' it means he gets to buy you way more merchandise for your favourite media, paying the shipping fees that kept you away.)

you get him a super thoughtful (and maybe expensive) gift and he Lights Up. and then he's like ? you remembered / really paid that much ? really ? and he keeps smiling when he looks at it..

kenma coming downstairs with super bad bedhead and pouting when you snicker. but then he relaxes as you comb your fingers through to fix it

tying up his hair... a little ponytail or bun...

matching pajamas... or those fluffy headbands you wear to wash your face... he looks so silly and cute

university student kenma who walks in visibly irritated, and you know you're about to shit talk his group members or professor together.

late night breakfast. sitting in the kitchen eating bowls of cereal past midnight

! late night gaming sessions... and or sometimes you fall asleep waiting for kenma to finish, then wake up to realize he fell asleep at his desk. you have to coax him into bed after saving the game for him

very nervous during the first year you're together any time there's a holiday, especially valentine's day or your anniversary. he wonders if his plans and gifts are enough, not romantic enough, too boring, if you'd rather do something exciting, even if logically he knows you'll like anything he thinks up

sometimes you guys will just lie on the floor, stare at the ceiling together, and talk. maybe there's music, a game menu screen playing in the background, or you're just listening to the birds and neighbours outside. floor time is healing all the same

bleaching kenma's hair + him helping dye yours... timeskip where chat asks if you've done your hair recently because his hands have been stained :')

it's super easy to team up with kuroo to tease him but also ! teaming up to taunt and prank kuroo !! think of kenma laughing bright and loudly, eyes squinting and arms clutching his middle !! kuroo can't be that mad because he's happy someone else can get kenma this happy too

🏷️ | @icekitgeorge3 @dira333 (hey guys) @pelicanpizza @godoffuckedupcats @causenessus @priv-rose @ur-local-simp @respitable @deepenthevoid

#osamu post later #haikyuu x reader #kenma x reader #haikyuu x gn!reader #kenma x gn!reader #haikyuu fluff #kenma fluff

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gayestsimp · 6 days ago

Text

Decaying life: Chapter 1

A/n: Thanks for liking my first ever work on here, I promise to make more whenever I can :)

3.8k words

Prologue Chapter 2

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(Name) remained silent in the back, his throat sore and still in pain from just moments ago, not even an entire day going past, the night still existing over this dark city- the ride being silent, it would be deafening if it wasn’t for the ringing in the boy’s ears- not listening to anything the older man may say, instead being left in his own thoughts, the picture of his mother’s face remaining in his head… than the sight he last saw of her, breaking down into small pieces and blood just pouring out from each divided part of the body. One of his hands, specifically the right, started to rise towards his neck, scratching at it- strength in each scratch he gave at it, nails attempting to tear at the skin- only stopping as soon as the car came to a stop, the scratches lasting for only a few seconds, not noticed by the butler. His head shooting up to look around, shock appearing on his face, not that strong and clear on his face, but it was slightly obvious it was there. Slowly, Alfred would get out of his seat and exit the vehicle, opening the door and helping (Name) out of his seat, with the boy still keeping his hands to himself- not allowing even a single finger to touch the man before him, with Alfred helping on anything that required fingers to be used- the car door and seatbelt primarily. The five year old boy able to get out of his seat alone, and finally standing up. He looked at Alfred who started walking forwards, leading (Name) towards the manor’s doors, looking back at (Name) to ensure the boy was following him, which he would, keeping close but all small amount of space between them both constantly. Soon enough they both arrived at the front door of the man, the older man opening it for the boy and allowing them in. Once (Name) stepped inside, he couldn’t help nut admire the interior of the building… it was amazing and unlike anything the boy has seen… his mother would have loved this…

Alfred would lower himself down onto one knee, placing a hand on the distracted (Name)’s shoulder, causing the boy to stare at him, brought out of his head “Master (Name), are you alright? You are crying.” He spoke, wiping away at the boy’s tears. (Name) gave a small gasp, not even realising he was crying… the boy just stood there, allowing the butler to wipe away at his tears and comfort him. “I am sorry master (Name), for your loss… although your father is not here at the moment, he as well went through the same thing, having his parents pass away in front of him… and your older brother also went through this… you will not be alone through this…” he softly spoke to (Name)… the boy looking back up to them, his urge to scratch at his skin, neck and eyes, building up as more tears fell out. At least his father and brother, his new family could help push past his grief and be with his new family. Your new family. Though the boy could only give a small nod, if he he even spoke, he would likely sob out his thanks and some joy to finally have a family have a family again… even if his mother will never be there.

———————————————————————

A week has passed. (Name) has attempted to reach out to his brother and father, but his grief… how he missed his mother had gotten in the way, crying to himself and only wanting her back- it didn’t help that his brother was… violent- not exactly caring for the small boy, which could be understandable, it was not that long since he lost his own parents, his own grief and hate fuelled him, ignoring the boy and spending his time on his own or being with his father or the butler of the house. (Name) didn’t entirely understand his older brother and his actions or ignorance to him, he thought the boy hated him, and although that wasn’t entirely true- that didn’t mean his brother liked him. Dick was just a confusing person for the boy.

On the other end was his Father for his new family member. Bruce Wayne, his father that he just met. The man was busy constantly, for what you have seen- he’s focused on his paperwork, and never home at night, Dick was home sometimes at night, mostly on school nights, but he does disappear with Bruce often. Unbeknownst to the boy- both his family members were vigilantes, Batman and Robin, and his most of the older man’s personality was a lie- to deceive and create an image of himself in the public… he seemed like a good hearted, oblivious and determined man, one that can focus on his works, but easily lets go of life to be free, caring for his family… this was all that (Name) saw of the man and viewed him as- unknown to his true identity as the bat. However his Father had attempted to reach out, again and again to (Name), wanting to help the boy, weeks slowly turning into months, and those months leading into years… his father still attempted to reach out and care for him.. but after each week, he seemed to lessen those attempts. (Name) wasn’t sure, each attempt had made him feel better… slowly pushing pass his grief… but he would always miss his mother’s soft hands compared to his father’s rougher ones, but even then- that comfort that was so little being brought upon by those rough and damaged hands would be taken away after just a year. His father’s words still being brought to him, but even those started to lessen through the next year… it hurt to lose that comfort slowly, but (Name) was still in his own mind, thinking of his mother, missing her face so much- and hating himself for what he did to her.

“I miss you Momma…”

Dick’s and (Name)’ relationship had not improved either, the older brother not showing much care for the boy, even after the passing years, the smaller brother not even remembering a word his supposed sibling had spoke to him… well words that weren’t ‘leave me alone’ or something else dismissive, nothing nice or positive, no tone but one that gave him a cruelty of sorts. After two years of staying in the manor and becoming seven, (Name) approached his fifteen year old- gaining a new confidence to build an actual relationship between them both… his Momma wouldn’t want him to suffer and become closed off to everyone… so each day he would try and interact with his brother: “Dick… I drew you…” or “Dick, do you wanna play with me?” And “What are you doing dick?” He even asked if Dick could teach acrobatics, even tired learning on his own- he wasn’t successful, but he was a bit more flexible than most his age… however- everything was met with ignorance and refusal. It hurt (Name), hurt him too much, but he still tried, and after every failure, he would return to his room to cry out, begging for his Momma to return and hug him… to feel her hands again and hear her gentle voice once more, he’d give anything for that… but he knows she won’t come back, his own hands stopped that from ever happening.

Slowly as the years turned by and (Name)’s growing isolation, his older brother and Father became more… annoyed and rude to each other, causing the boy to grow fearful, and before he knew it, his older brother had stormed out one day, and he wouldn’t see him for some time… but than he got a new brother, another older brother. His name was Jason…

The boy was two years younger than Jason. The eleven year old (Name) was a bit more happy having someone close to his age around, and apparently they came from similar areas, bringing both closer to each other… Jason was also rather standoffish for a thirteen year old… but quickly grew closer to (Name), with both reading books together in the library after three months of knowing each other, they both even read Pride and Prejudice together, enjoying it more than anything. And Bruce was truly happy to see the two boys interact… he would steadily attempt to reach out towards and help (Name) once more, slowly building back up a relationship of sorts, Alfred was also brought joy to finally see his son interact with their child again… for those years, Alfred constantly was the one to remain by (Name)’s side whenever he could, talking to the boy and playing with him, even pinning up pictures they drew in his room. It was nice to the the old butler.

Though one thing pained (Name), it was Dick. Whenever his older brother returned, which was rare in the first place, he would barely interact with Bruce, focusing on both Alfred and Jason more. Barely whispering in (Name)’s direction, it could gush his love to Jason about being a brother, even if they weren’t that close at the moment… though after just two years of having Jason, his brother, love within the Manor, the death of Robin became known, the death of Jason… (Name) didn’t know they were same person, so to have his brother mysteriously die? It hurt… hurt too much, hurt like his mother’s passing… keeping himself in room to mourn the two people he loved the most in his life, enough to want to destroy in his tiny and supposed temporary room. Yes, temporary, there was going to be a larger one when one could be prepared for the boy, but due to his fear of accidentally laying hands on someone or destroying something when others could easily see?… it terrified (Name)… so he kept a small and temporary guess bedroom on the other side of the manor… and thankfully so, making it harder for anyone to see or hear as he destroyed a small desk, one he often used for drawing, placing both hands on it, with all five fingers from each one, allowing it to quickly become tiny pieces, focusing his grief and rage on the object… until each small pieces crumbled into dust, before furiously scratching at both sides of his neck, wanting to let it all out, sobbing softly, closing himself off and keeping him curled up, retreating to his bed to cry… only to be interrupted with a knock on the door, with an all too familiar voice of the butler he grew to love. “Master (Name), I can hear you crying, is it alright if I come in?” The older man asked, a gentle and caring voice leaving his lips for the boy. With a broken and destroyed voice, (Name) spoke “Y-yes Al-Alfred…” And in return, the butler opened the door, looking around the room before noticing the missing desk and some scattered dust around the room, he would need to clean the boy’s room later than, but whatever happened to the desk? Regardless now wasn’t the time for the older man to focus on the grieving boy…

The butler approached (Name), the boy’s legs hanging off the bed and curled up, hands kept in a fist against his stomach and head hanging down, Alfred patting the boy on the back before slowly hugging him, slowly and softly rubbing his hand on the boy’s back, one that made so much progress, scared to touch anything once and now was holding onto and reading books, although always keeping a finger of them, Alfred was planning to gift the boy some gloves that only exposed three of his fingers- thinking the boy would like them… though the old butler always was curious on this, but would never pry into it. But now that boy was locked inside this tiny room. “I understand your grief, Master (Name)… I as well, miss Master Jason…” He spoke to the crying boy, that looked up at him with those depressed eyes and scratched neck, speaking weakly. “I… w-why… wh-why did J-Jason die?… h-how?…” The boy asked, unsure on how his brother passed away, not aware of the beaten and disrespected state he was found in. Unable to truly tell the boy, Alfred continued to just comfort them the best he could, letting them cry out and stay close to him, rubbing his back to soothe them, some tears leaving the old man’s eyes at the passing of his grandson.

Man’s Bruce’s own progress of reaching out to his son? That building relationship? It was also destroyed… even Dick was returning to help his father again… it hurt (Name) again… to loose his family once more, to be left alone with nothing but his grief, not even with Alfred’s love and care could help him, he was just as hurt, so why didn’t Dick comfort his little brother? Why didn’t Bruce hold him close and let them both cry together?… why must he go through a death of another alone… why must the only one that cares for him still not even be his blood father?

———————————————————————

(Name) was thirteen years old when Jason Died, and soon enough his birthday was coming up, just like the year before Jason joined the family, nobody but Alfred was there to celebrate for him. His Father’s grief becoming too much for the man to celebrate, the memory that today was even his son’s birthday had slipped his mind… and not even (Name) wanted to celebrate, too distraught over his brother’s passing, he was still desperate for comfort, even approaching Dick begging for them to stay the night… his brother didn’t even seem to notice this though, or did he not care? (Name) could not tell. He just sat in his room, with Alfred by his side, a lone cupcake and a single gift for the boy. “Master (Name)… I wish you a happy birthday.” He spoke with a soft smile… patting the newly turned fourteen year old’s head, handing the boy the gift, attempting his best to make the most of the upset boy’s day. He knew they were all grieving, but was still trying to bring joy to the boy’s life as best he could, and wanted (Name)’s Father to make time for the boy, hoping to help them both heal… the only other company the small boy had was just a few games- the only light in his life right now. (Name) would carefully take the box, shaking hands taking the box into his laps, carefully keeping both ring fingers and little fingers off it, and than opening it with his thumb and index finger- before finally seeing his gift. A out of gloves, both having fingerless parts for the index, middle and ring finger- with both the little finger and thumb being covered, leaving the boy a little shocked at the gift- had Alfred found out about his ability? “I noticed you don’t like holding objects with every finger on your hands… I am not sure on why, but I do hope these serve you well, Master (Name).” Alfred spoke, before helping (Name) put on the gloves, once both were one, the small boy couldn’t help but cry out, hugging Alfred for the first time, shocking the older man as (Name) cried into his chest- but would respond with a hug back.

“Th-thank you… Alf-Alfred!” He almost screamed in between his sobs, finally able to hold onto someone without fear- without them turning into the same thing he did to his mother… of only Jason was still here. “It is no problem Master (Name).” He spoke… everything would get better for the boy, the old man hoped, and if he was finally comfortable with touching or holding someone, perhaps he could finally approach his father and rebuild the bridge that has collapsed between them twice.

———————————————————————

However, a few days after his birthday, Alfred and Bruce would not only welcome a new boy, Tim, but also welcome them to (Name), well more so of Alfred introducing the boys and reminding Bruce to do it- both boys were the same age, fourteen, so the butler hoped they could both get along and find comfort between each other. Once more- another boy losing his parents and being took in by Bruce. With (Name) still mourning his brother Jason, he wasn’t entirely sure on how to feel about Tim, not wanting to replace Jason or if he could even interact with someone new with his current state… but he knew both Alfred and his mother would want the boy to attempt to welcome someone that lost his parents… kind of like Dick… hopefully he wouldn’t be ignored again. So with all of his courage and confidence, the boy approached Tim, with (Name) giving a small wave, his rough and suffering eyes closing with a smile on his lips. “He-hello Tim… I’m (Name) y-your br-brother… nice to m-meet you…” He stuttered out, doing his best to not cry or think about his lost brother, or still his mother… but hopefully someone new in his life, another one to care for him could better him, support him. But with just one look from Tim, that would be the most of the attention (Name) would ever receive from the boy- before he looked away, walking towards Bruce with both leaving towards the library. That was the least painful thing, as a few days later, Dick would start to visit the manor more and more, acting brotherly to Tim, loving and caring, looking after the boy- his relationship with Bruce even improving slightly, that was what hurt more- just like with Jason, the adult brother would willing to be anyone’s older brother but (Name)‘s… just why?

(Name) felt like shrinking, but he was growing mad… nobody but Jason was willing to be his family member, well besides Alfred acting like a grandfather, but he was a butler- no matter what the other’s viewed him or how (Name) viewed him, there was always the gnawing feeling that this is more of a job to care for him specifically.

Why must he feel like an outsider in this family? Did they not want him? Did they not want to handle his grief? What was wrong with him- why did they have to ignore him? Why can’t his Momma and Jason just come back and than all three of them can just make their own, real family- not needing Bruce, Dick or Tim apart of it, and sadly, Alfred could never join them due to his duties.

Maybe tomorrow could be better? Maybe tomorrow he’ll wake up and find his Momma by his bed, hugging him and introducing his new brother, Jason, to him. That wishful thinking was in his head as he retreated to his room, closing the door before collapsing onto his bed, ready to pass out.

———————————————————————

It would never get better. Three years had passed since Tim came to live with them. When (Name) was around sixteen, he was completely ignored by the family and never spoke a word back to them, his throat becoming sore and becoming hoarse, the only thing that kept it working was his brief interactions with Alfred that happened each day… or once in a few days that depended upon if he was available or not. But around this time as well, (Name) had found out about their secret identities- seeing them in their outfits and even seeing gadgets laying around.

But what was most surprising to (Name)? It was the return of his brother- Jason, around the same time he found out about his families identities, he found out his true brother was still alive… it made the boy so happy… to have the one sibling that ever cared for him- it only made the boy happy beyond belief… but he was so much more rage filled, having attack Tim for being his replacement, and hating Bruce so much more- and even now, with him slowly settling back in, living so far away that visits are rare- his older brother still cared for him, both reading books in (Name)’s room and catching up- it was once more looking better for the boy. Until his new brother arrived, his little, brother.

To be the older brother? It was a change of pace- something better and new… unlike Dick and even Tim by technicality, he would be a better older brother for his newest sibling. His blood sibling. The boy’s name? It was Damian, and (Name) would soon be meeting them this day.

———————————————————————

It has been a few hours, Jason was at his own place, planning to visit in a few days, so (Name) felt alone during this meeting, thankfully Alfred was here- so there was at least one person with him, as he stood in front his new little brother, his own pale and gloved hand being stretched forward towards the younger boy. “Hello… I’m (Name), your older brother, nice to me-“ before he could finish this single sentence, a blade was pressed against his neck, the tip threatening to stab through it with even a single push as the young boy before (Name) could properly introduce himself, with annoyed click of Damian’s tongue coming to life before he spoke.

“Quiet half-breed, I am not your brother, nor is it any pleasure to see you in my father’s estate.” He spoke as a matter of fact to a quivering (Name), threatening to kill without any hesitation, Alfred looking on in shock and wanting to help, before Bruce stopped it all, instructing Damian to put his blade away and taking the boy from (Name)’s presence, with even dick approaching them and softly scolding Damian as if he only just drew in the walls and not threatened to kill a person, to kill (Name).

(Name) collapsed to the floor, hands support his upper body as he shook, with Alfred gently helping the boy up. “Are you alright, Master (Name)?” He gently asked, giving those soft and kind eyes to the boy. “y-yes… I’m al-alright Alfred” The boy spoke, before finally standing and rushing away, pushing past the old man and any objects in his way- returning to his room and slamming the door behind him and straight into the private bathroom he had for himself, hands gripping onto the sink, fearfully looking at himself in the mirror, rapid breaths leaving his lips with his close call with death… that’s what he gets for trying to become close with anyone in this family… perhaps he could ask to live with Jason in the male’s next visit… for now- all (Name) wanted to do was to just play a game and forget what happened… to just let go of all the stress he was feeling at the moment.

———————————————————————

#batfam x male reader #dc x male reader #male reader #male!reader #yandere batfam x reader #batfam x neglected reader #yandere batfam #batfam x reader #batfam #dick grayson #tim drake #jason todd #damian wayne #bruce wayne #alfred pennyworth #batman #batsib!reader #robin #decaying life

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infiniteaugends · 4 months ago

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Okay! I need to get this out of my head. I’ve seen some posts that are upset that people are upset about the BuckTommy break up. The core gripe of these posts is that the show still has HenKaren and so we shouldn’t be upset about the handling of the other main queer couple. Which makes no sense because BuckTommy and HenKaren fulfill different niches. One is a bisexual man exploring a new relationship and the other is two gay women who are settled with multiple kids.

However, this post is to talk about HenKaren. Yes I love them! They were the main thing that drew me to the show long before bi Buck became a thing. They are two black women in a relationship. Neither is ‘conventionally’ attractive. Hen is pretty visually queer. I love them. I want more of them in the show. However I don’t relate to them. Almost all of their storylines revolve around motherhood. There is very limited exploration of them as queer women outside of motherhood. Karen is a literal rocket scientist and that has never even been used as any sort of plot point. Like the amount of physics she knows and understands could be used to great effect. Micheal got to help break into a bank vault with Bobby, but Karen has never been used in a similar way. Like the amount of STEM knowledge stored in her brain 100% could have solved at least a few rescues. Can we explore these amazing woman as queer women instead of mothers just sometimes pls.

I read a fanfic that explored how Don’t ask, Don’t tell could have affected Karen. That she couldn’t become an astronaut because of it. I would love more of that energy in the show.

So yes you are right I am bemoaning the way Buck and Tommy’s break up was handled. I am bemoaning the lack of care given to exploring Buck’s bisexuality within monogamy. I am allowed to be upset. I am allowed to not relate to the storylines given to Hen and Karen. What happened to Hen being kinda witchy and blaming the moon cycle for her cheating? What happened to Hen and Karen and Athena’s wine mom nights? Where is our exploration of Karen as partner to a woman in a dangerous field of work? Where is our exploration of their relationship outside of kids?

You want me to appreciate the crumbs of queer representation being tossed my way? Well won’t you’re right we should be angry that Hen and Karen are treated as second class citizens in the narrative. We should be upset that their importance has been reduced to only motherhood. We should be upset that this show is mishandling all of its queer characters and letting Eddie Diaz have freedom and joy while our queer representation suffers.

BuckTommy was the straw that broke the camels trust in 911 ability to craft realistic queer lives and continue to care about them more than a diversity check mark. I will continue to watch HenKaren clips on YouTube and read fan-fiction. I will continue to engage with Bi Buck fan-fiction that heals the parts of me that Glee and this show have bruised. I will not thank them for the stale crumbs they brush from the table. Do I love Hen and Karen? Yes! Is it enough? Not anymore!

Anyway, I got a little heated and upset, but all this discourse is really just rubbing me the wrong way. Let people be upset and hurt. Their feelings are valid whether you agree.

#HenKaren #Karen Wilson #Hen Wilson #woman should never be ruduced to motherhood #wlw #BuckTommy #Tommy Kinard #Evan Buckley #911 discourse #911 #I need to step away but tumblr keeps pulling me back in #Hen and Karen are better in concept than execution #which is so tragic #I mourn what we could have

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crowsofdarkness · 1 month ago

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Truth: One Shot

-gif not mine. credit to owner-

Pairings: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Word Count: 8,799

Content Warnings: language, angst, tiny bit of violence, mentions of death, mentions of drunk driving, alcoholism, and implied smut.

Summary: A next door neighbor bound with secrets; one of which nearly breaks you from the inside out.

-originally posted on my old blog-

I walked up the last few steps towards my apartment, the long and emotional day finally catching up to me. The three hour drive turned into a six hour and with half of my day gone, the thought of climbing into bed brought a soft smile to my lips. The amount of people I had to plaster a fake smile for mentally drained me so I was thankful I didn’t have to see anyone for the next 12 hours until someone undoubtedly face-timed me to check in.

Grief wasn’t something I expected to deal with overnight and the support was nice when needed. But it had been years since that night, I was at the point in my life where I was ready to finally move on and accept it, even if his family continued to check in every day.

Whatever joy I felt about being able to quickly slip inside and into my bed left my body when I noticed two guys hanging around the apartment door across from mine, chatting amongst themselves. Internally I groaned when I knew that I wasn’t going to go unnoticed by them. Almost every day one of them would ask for my number or ask to come inside. It never got physical and they accepted no the first time.

It still bothered me that they tried every day.

“Hey baby, why the long face?” One of the guys asked.

Not wanting to deal with any of them today, I ignored them and reached my door in a quick flash, ready to get this interaction over with. However the other guy had stepped in front of me to block me from entering my apartment.

Unbeknownst to them, I had gripped my car key in between my fingers; to be safe.

“Please move. I’m not in the mood tonight.” I threatened.

He licked his lips. “Come on. One night with us will change your mood. I guarantee it.”

I sliced my eyes into him. “Move. Now.”

He didn’t budge and the other guy was now lurking behind me. My heart hammered in my chest, not knowing what was to come. The key could only do so much damage with the two of them.

“Everything alright?”

I looked over my shoulder and let out a long breath of relief when I saw my next door neighbor leaning against his doorway, concern etched on his face.

“Doesn’t concern you.” The guy behind me said while not taking his eyes off of the back of my head.

“I think it does,” my neighbor said.

The guy that was blocking my path inside didn't bother to see who my neighbor was before he spoke up.

“Man, get back inside. She's fine!”

“She doesn’t look fine.”

The same guy grabbed my hand, ignoring my neighbor, and led me towards my door giving an extra hard push.

“Tell him babe, you’re with us.”

I haven't officially met my neighbor, only seeing him in passing, so I hoped he understood the look of despair I gazed his way. If that didn’t catch on, the way I mouthed ‘help’ should have.

Before I could register what had happened, my neighbor had the guy behind me on the floor clutching his stomach and the guy in front of me pinned up on the wall, gloved fingers around his throat. By the look of fear in their eyes, it was clear that they finally realized who saved me.

“I don’t want to see you lurking around here or bothering her again, understand?”

They guys were out of sight in seconds, not wanting to get on the wrong side of my neighbor again.

“You alright?” He asked while giving me a quick once over with his intense eyes.

I nodded, my heart calming down. “Yeah, thank you for that. They always hang around but never got that close before.”

My neighbor nodded. “Well, I’m glad you’re okay.”

He went to walk back into his apartment but my quiet voice stopped him.

“Thank you again, Mr. Barnes.”

He turned to face me once again. “You can call me Bucky. I’m around anytime if you need something.”

We shared a small smile before slipping into our own apartments.

The quiet solace of my apartment was everything I needed after the absolute hell of a morning I had. I never meant to raise my voice at her, she was hurting too, but she was asking questions that I didn’t even know the answer to.

“I never said I don’t miss him, Barb. It’s just been so long that I can’t keep dwelling on the what if’s.”

“How can you say that? Don’t you want to know what happened to him?”

“Of course I do! But there’s no leads; no answers. I don’t know what else you want from me.”

“He’s my son, Y/N. I will find out what happened to him whether you want me to or not!”

“He was my husband, Barb! I don’t have any fucking answers on how he died because I don’t know how he died! The cops don’t even know. So stop thinking I’m hiding something from you.”

My mother in law meant well but she was tired of not having answers to what happened; we all were. But none of us were accusing each other of hiding something.

I let out a deep, aggravated sigh, while I pinched my eyes shut, hoping it would help the headache that was slamming behind my eyes. My body molded into the couch, hoping that it would ease away the worries I felt. The darkness I saw behind my eyes began to fill with memories that night, hours before he died, and my veins filled with regret knowing that I was the reason he was dead. I kicked him out that night, told him not to come back unless he kicked his habit.

Alcohol consumed his life and it wasn’t something I could deal with anymore.

The constant fights because of him staying out all night at the bars or showing up to important things drunk as hell.

Maybe if I let him stay, he would still be alive.

I quickly shook those thoughts out of my mind, knowing that even if I did keep him home that night, one way or another he would have still wrapped his car around a tree.

The only answers the cops could give me was that they believed he was driving drunk. I believed them because I knew the kind of man he was; as much as he loved me, he loved the booze a bit more.

His mother never wanted to believe that her “precious son” could have those demons so when I told her what happened, she didn’t believe me.

My phone’s alarm went off with the message laundry and I remembered that I had been working on my laundry when Barb called.

Making sure my phone and keys were in my pocket, I let my door close behind me as I walked down the long hallway and hung a left, the communal laundry room coming in sight.

I always chose to do my laundry in the middle of the night because everyone else in the building was asleep so I didn’t have to worry about someone hogging all of the machines.

So to say I was surprised when I saw someone else in the laundry room was an understatement; mostly because Bucky had his back to me, folding away. I only knew it was him because of the metal fingers that worked to fold a shirt of his.

“Here I thought I was the only one who did laundry at 3 am,” I smirked while walking past him.

Bucky gave me his own. “I usually don’t but couldn’t sleep so I figured I might as well get a couple loads done.”

Realizing that my clothes weren’t quite dry yet, I set them for another cycle before giving Bucky my attention once again.

“Did I have my t.v to loud? I only moved in six months ago and sometimes forget that these walls are paper thin.”

He quickly shook his head when he noticed the sorrowful frown pulling my lips.

“Not at all. Just couldn’t sleep,” Bucky shrugged.

There were rumors around the complex of him, some that I opted to pay no mind too but there was one that I did believe; his nightmares.

The walls were incredibly thin and you can hear a conversation from the person on the other side of the wall. Which meant I had heard Bucky have nightmares once or twice. Given who he was and what he used to do, I couldn’t blame him for having them.

For a brief moment, our eyes locked and the fire I felt burning in the pits of my stomach with how intense his gaze made me bite the inside of my cheek. I had only seen him in quick passes so never got the chance to actually look at him. His blue eyes were dark, filled with exhaustion, but somehow still shone bright. His stubble that covered the lower half of his face was filled with a few gray hairs, and the long hair that he had when I saw him a few nights ago was gone.

My mouth fell open. “How did I just notice you cut your hair?”

Bucky smiled. “Needed something different.”

“Well you look good. I mean it looks good. Not that you don’t look good, you do but your hair looks good too.”

Words spewed out like vomit before I had the chance to stop it. I felt my cheeks burning in embarrassment. It had been so long since I attempted to flirt with someone and the first chance I had, I blew it.

“I’m just going to glue my lips shut now before I embarrass myself even more.”

Bucky chuckled while lifting his basket with ease, metal arm twinkling in the overhead light. Some of the other rumors that went around the complex was that people were afraid of him because of his arm. But I always found myself intrigued with it.

Black with gold lines twisting and turning all around his arm. I wanted to trace it with the tips of my fingers.

“If you glued them shut then we wouldn’t be able to keep talking,” Bucky said.

“I’m sure there are other people around here that will be glad to talk to you without embarrassing themselves.”

He shrugged. “I don’t like talking to them as much.”

My brow peaked at his comment. “Are you saying you like talking to me?”

He gave me a wink before walking out of the room while calling over his shoulder.

“You look good too by the way.”

The previous heat I felt down below intensified and had to swallow the moan that came crawling out of my throat. This was the second interaction we shared that lasted more than a few seconds and slowly he began taking over my mind where I found myself thinking of what he was doing and how badly I wanted to talk to him or see him.

“God, I need a bath and a large milkshake,” I groaned to myself as I reached the last step of the floor to my apartment.

My eight hour shift that started at six this morning became a fifteen hour shift and now that it was reaching close to nine in the evening, I never craved sleep more than I did right now.

As my door came into view, I quickly noticed that Bucky’s door was open and he was hanging around it, a few people with him. They were chatting amongst themselves and clearly having a good time so I decided not to impose. My head was down as I searched my purse for my keys, trying to go unnoticed.

“Long day?”

Bucky stepped away from his group of friends and leaned against my door frame.

I nodded. “My boss asked me to stay a few extra hours; I couldn't say no.”

“So I’d assume you’re too tired for a drink?” Bucky asked while stuffing his hands into his pockets.

“Yeah, sorry. I’ve got the late shift tomorrow so I want to take advantage of the extra sleep.” I apologized.

He waved me off, saying he understood.

“Plus, I wouldn’t want to impose on your friends.”

“You wouldn’t,” Bucky shook his head. “But if you change your mind, the offer still stands.

I nodded a quick thanks before I watched him walk back into his apartment, the skinny brunette girl attached to his arm. A twinge of jealousy stirred in my stomach and I let out a gruff groan, knowing that it was ridiculous of me to feel jealous.

The rest of the night passed with nothing exciting, that was until I had decided to finally go to sleep, only to be kept awake by nightmares of that night. Flashing red and blue lights, his car wrapped around the tree, his body hanging out of the driver's side door with blood pooling from his head, and the sirens being drowned out by my screams.

I awoke with a scream, it echoed throughout my apartment, and my chest rose and fell with each heavy breath. It had been so long since I had dreamed of that night but it was still as raw as that night.

Once I had calmed down, I finally could hear what was coming from the wall behind me. The headboard banging against the wall in the apartment next door only getting drowned out by the moaning of what could only be described as ecstasy.

But as soon as I heard it, it ceased being replaced by hushed voices.

“Did you hear that?”

“Why’d you stop? I was so close.”

“I think the scream came from Y/N’s place.”

“Bucky, come on. I’m only in town for tonight. Don’t waste it on someone else. I’m sure that person is fine.”

Damn these thin walls.

With a quick jump from my bed, I tossed on a sweater and sweatpants before climbing onto my balcony through my large bedroom window, allowing the fall night air to calm my racing thoughts. I don't know who I thought was on the other side of the wall, clearly that was Bucky’s room and there was a brunette clinging to him when they walked back into his apartment.

It still stung to see someone else with him.

Why does it matter to you? You’re not even on his radar.

I shook the thought from my mind and looked up into the sky, hoping to see some stars. Why I ever moved to New York, I never understood. With the noise and lights, trying to look up to the night sky for some peace was inevitable.

Tears fell and I ghastly wiped them away as I thought back to my nightmare, visions of him lying there in death, all alone. Soft sobs fell from my lips and shoulders shook with despair and hatred that I allowed him to leave that night.

“Everything alright?”

I slightly jumped at the voice and saw Bucky leaning against the shared railings of our balcony, a beer bottle loosely hanging between his fingers.

“Yeah,” I nodded while avoiding his gaze.

Thankfully it was dark out here so he wasn’t able to see my tear stained cheek. Between the nightmares and hearing Bucky having sex with someone else, I was a wreck.

I wasn’t sure why the thought or image of him with someone else bothered me so much. This feeling was unknown, something I hadn’t felt in so long; since before my husband. Maybe that’s why I felt like this, guilty for it being because of another guy.

You fancy him, dumbass.

Blinking away the thought, I leaned deeper into the chair and closed my eyes, enjoying the breeze.

“Anything I can help with?” Bucky questioned.

“I don’t want to keep you from your company.”

He quickly shook his head. “You’re not.”

“I’m fine, Bucky. I just couldn’t sleep,” I kept my eyes trained on the chipped away nail polish on my fingers.

The curtness in my voice didn’t go unnoticed by him. “I heard a scream-.”

“Bucky, there you are! What are you doing out here, it’s freezing!”

Both of our eyes landed on the woman that had slinked her way next to Bucky, a hand on his back and a soft kiss to his cheek.

My heart fell deep into my stomach and I let out a shaky breath to try and compose myself. I didn’t want to cry again, not in front of them.

“I’ll be there in a minute. I’m talking with Y/N,” Bucky nodded towards me.

I shook my head while standing to my feet. “I was actually about to head to bed. See you around.”

“Perfect, let's go Bucky.”

The brunette linked fingers with him, purposely avoiding his metal hand, and tried to drag him inside.

“Are you sure you’re alright?” Bucky wondered.

I nodded, trying to hold the tears back but Bucky could see right through my facade and told the brunette he would meet her inside. Reluctantly she nodded and soon it was the two of us again.

“She seems nice,” I motioned towards where she was previously standing. “Sounds like you two had a good night.”

Bucky’s face fell when he realized what I was talking about. “You heard?”

“Thin walls.”

He cursed under his breath. “I’m sorry, we’re usually more quiet.”

“Oh, so this isn’t a one time thing?” I wondered.

“Does it matter?” He asked.

But then the confusion was replaced with humor, a sly smirk pulling at his lips. His elbows leaned against the railing, his face coming closer to me. We were so close now I was afraid he could tell that I had been crying so I kept my gaze trained hard to the floor beneath my feet.

A cool metal finger lifted my chin and I sucked in a breath when I drank in his gaze, so powerful and moving.

“Are you jealous?”

My lips parted, unsure of how to answer mostly because I didn’t even know if that’s what I was feeling. But I did recognize one feeling and was coursing through me; comfort.

It was a simple action, his finger lifting my chin, but that had been the first contact I’ve felt in so long that it almost over took me, the tears pooling at the corner of my eyes.

“No,” I finally answered.

Bucky snorted, not believing me. Whatever witty comment he had was gone when tears fell from my eyes, concern clouding his gaze.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” His hands now cupped my face.

I shook my head in his grasp. “I’m fine.”

“Y/N,” he urged. “You can talk to me.”

My eyes refused to meet him, knowing that if they locked, I would melt into him and tell him everything. He didn’t need that, though. He could have been dealing still with his own trauma, I wasn’t going to pour mine on top of it. I had been dealing with it on my own for so long, I could continue too.

I breathed, feeling his pinkies gently trace circles in the back of my head getting tangled in my hair. The slight action caused a quiet moan to fall from my lips.

Not a sexual moan but a need for more affection.

Bucky seemed to have understood so with his metal fingers he ran them fully through my hair and begged me with soft whispers to look at him.

I obliged.

His blue eyes bore down at me and with his touch, I felt myself crumble into him, my hands slowly grazing up his chest to his shoulders. I was ready to let it all go, let him in.

Until her voice sounded behind us once again.

“What the hell?”

Bucky turned to look at the brunette, ready to explain himself but before he had the chance, I slipped out of grasp with fresh tears falling.

“I’m sorry,” I whimpered.

His pleas to come back meant nothing as I slipped back inside, shutting the window behind me.

The buzzing from my phone on my end table meant nothing as I turned my back to it, adjusting a new position on my bed. With my blankets pulled up to my chin, another broken sob fell as the water from my eyes continued to stain my pillow case.

I knew who was blowing up my phone, I didn’t need to check.

Bucky had found my number from the apartment phone book the other day and he had been trying to get into contact with me to see how I was doing.

It had been almost a week since that night on my balcony and I had done everything I could to avoid him. Not sure why I felt I needed too, he only was trying to help.

Truth be told, the memories of my husband and his accident had caused me to go into a dark place, not wanting to leave my apartment let alone my bed. Since I moved to New York, I was alone, no one to share in my grief with which is why whenever a wave crashed over me, I fucking drowned in it.

When the buzzing phone finally ceased, I breathed a sigh of relief and forced my eyes to shut in hopes of letting the dark slumber take it.

Three persistent knocks to my window caused my eyes to spring open and when I saw Bucky sitting on the other side, I groaned.

“Leave me alone!” I yelled, fully engulfing myself in my blankets now.

The sound of the window opening and a large body all but crashing inside made me sit up in bed, brow perked in confusion. Bucky was standing in my bedroom now with a concerned gaze.

“You know for a former assassin, you’re not that quiet when breaking into someone’s apartment,” I stated.

He shrugged. “I thought about knocking on your door but figured you wouldn’t answer.”

I nodded. “You thought right. Feel free to leave that way though.”

My back was turned to him as I laid down in bed again, pulling the blanket to my chin. Bucky didn’t need to say anything, his warm presence was still felt behind me. I let out an annoyed groan before turning to face him again and it was then that I took in appearance for the first time. Gray sweatpants and a tight black shirt that hugged every inch of his chest and torso. His metal arm twinkled under the soft glow from the lamp in the corner of my room.

Even in somewhat darkness, he looked breathtaking.

“You’re not going to leave, are you?” I questioned.

When he shook his head, I reluctantly sat up and motioned for him to sit; he hesitated.

“If I didn’t trust you, I wouldn’t be inviting you in my bed right now,” I stated.

Realizing I had a point, he finally relaxed and sat on the edge of my bed. “Did I do something to make you uncomfortable?”

“You didn’t,” I reassured him with a small smile. “I’ve been dealing with some things lately, that’s all.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” Bucky suggested.

I gnawed on my bottom lip, debating whether or not it was a good idea to talk to him about my problems. I didn’t want him to think less of me because of them.

You know he wouldn’t.

“I don’t want to keep you,” I began. “Especially if you’ve got company.”

Bucky immediately shook his head. “That’s over, I promise. You’re the only one that has my attention.”

My heart soared with his words and the redness that crept from my cheeks to the tips of my ears didn’t go unnoticed by him. I let out a deep breath to gain whatever courage I could and wondered where to start.

“I, uh, was married.”

Bucky’s body tensed at my words so I gently laid a hand on his knee. “Was. Not anymore.”

He relaxed with my touch.

“My husband, Rick, died about eight years ago. Next month actually,” I admitted.

His face fell. “I’m sorry.”

“I’ve done my best to move on, try to create this new life without him. Which is why I moved here. I thought a fresh start would help.”

“Why did you wait so long to leave?” Bucky asked.

“My mother in law. We only had each other and I never found the right time to leave. But the grief and questions became too much to bear so I had to stop thinking about how she felt and start taking care of myself.”

I almost didn't notice Bucky slip his flesh fingers between mine as I continued to tell my story.

Almost.

“She was so hell bent on finding the truth on what happened that her accusations pushed me away.”

“With his death?” Bucky questioned.

I let out a low sob. “Yeah. He-uh-he was driving drunk one night and crashed his car into a tree.”

My body shook with fresh tears as the memories began replaying like an old movie in the back of my mind, the wounds tearing open once again.

Bucky had snuck up next to me, wrapping his arms around me to pull me into his chest. I seeped into him, allowing his soft words of comfort to ease my pain.

“The images of him hanging out of his car haunt me to this day. I can't go to sleep without seeing him, bloody and cold,” I cried into his chest, hands grasping at his shirt.

He didn’t say anything, he didn't have too. If anyone understood how I felt, it was Bucky. His large hand rubbed circles on my back while I continued to sob, finally letting go for the first time in so long. I didn’t realize how bad I needed someone to just listen to my problems and comfort me, not criticize how I feel or accuse me of keeping secrets about Rick’s death.

“His mother blames me,” I muttered into Bucky’s chest.

“Why?”

I pulled slightly away from him and looked up into his eyes; they were clouded in sorrow. He cupped my cheek and with his metal thumb wiped the tears away, the coolness of it easing the redness caused by my cries.

“I couldn’t deal with his drinking any longer. It was ruining our marriage so I told him that he needed to leave and only come back when he was sober. Rick’s mom didn’t want to believe that he had those demons but he did. I held onto him for so long that I couldn’t take care of him any longer.”

“He got so good at hiding when he was drunk that I had no idea he was that night. Maybe if I had known, he would still be-.”

“Hey,” Bucky lifted my chin up to meet his gaze. “You cannot blame yourself for his actions, okay? None of what happened is your fault.”

I wasn’t so sure if he was talking to me or more so himself. It wasn’t a surprise to anyone that knew about The Winter Soldier's past that Bucky had so much trouble not blaming himself for what he did during that time.

My head pounded from all the crying and I had nothing left in me, emotionally, so all I could do was nod in his grasp.

“I’m here to help you with whatever you need to get past that guilt, alright?”

I nodded again. “Thank you, Bucky.”

He responded by pulling me into his chest once again, allowing me to ease into his comforting touch as he continued to run circles over my back.

Time had passed, the two of us locked together with my sobs being replaced with constant yawn after yawn.

Bucky began to pull away. “I’ll let you get some sleep.”

I squeezed him a bit, not ready to let go. “Few more minutes? I haven't felt this kind of comfort in so long. It’s nice.”

His lips brushed the top of my head and I melted into him again, my heart beating so hard against my chest I knew not only could he feel it, Bucky could hear it as well.

“Take all the time you need, doll.”

My heart fucking soared at the pet name.

Our laughter bounced off the walls of the complex as Bucky and I both ascended up the staircase towards home. I had been on my way home from work when I bumped into him one block away, with a bouquet of fresh flowers grasped between his metal fingers.

“You mentioned that you had a rough day at work so I thought these would make it better.”

His words from when I questioned him about them brought a smile back to my face.

Ever since that night last month where I told him about Rick, we had grown incredibly close. He was there for me when the nightmares got bad or I needed someone to talk to; with me also returning the favor.

Even if he was in therapy to deal with his past, I was still by his side to lend an extra ear and a comforting hold.

If anyone was to ask what we were, I would tell the truth; friends.

That love to steal longing glances, the occasional flirty banter, and fingers lingering on one's skin longer than normal.

“You didn’t have to go out of your way to get me flowers, Buck,” I reiterated my words from earlier.

He shrugged as we turned the corner of the hallway, our apartments coming into view.

“Anything to bring a beautiful smile to your face,” he mused while throwing an arm over my shoulder. .

“Cheeky, aren’t you?” I giggled while patting his chest.

My feet came to a halt when I saw the lone figure leaning against my door, arms crossed in what appeared to be one thing.

Anger.

“Barb, hi. What are you doing here?” I asked, confused.

She shook her head. “Eight years. Today.”

My heart dropped. Bucky had been such a good thing in my life lately that I had forgotten Rick’s death anniversary was today.

“Oh.” I muttered.

Barb scoffed. “That’s all you have to say? What would Rick have to say about this?”

She motioned towards Bucky who still had his arm around me so he quietly slipped away and tried to leave but I gently grasped his arm to stop him.

“I can go. I’ll talk to you later,” he suggested.

While I shook my head, Barb’s demeaning voice spoke again.

“I think that’s a good idea. She doesn’t need you right now.”

My eyes snapped over towards her. “Excuse me? What gives you the right to speak to him like that?”

“Doll, it’s alright.”

“Doll?!” Barb shrieked. “How long has this been going on? What would Rick think?”

I shook my head in disbelief. “Nothing because he’s dead Barb. Has been for a long time.”

“I cannot believe you’ve moved on already. He was your husband for god sakes! He loved you dearly and this is how you repay him? Fucking the first man that touched you.”

Anger radiated off of me, Bucky noticing the way my breath became erratic so he gently laced our fingers together and nodded towards his door.

“Come on, let’s get inside.”

In our many talks I had mentioned a few times about how demeaning and cruel my mother in law could be but I put up with it for years because I was married to her son. The constant belittlement from her had knocked me down to my lowest and now that I was finally starting to feel better about everything thanks to his help, Bucky refused to let me get back to that low.

I held him back with a shake of my head before giving Barb my attention. “I don’t know why you came here. Like I said on the phone last week, I still don’t have the answers you’re looking for, Barb. Whether you want to believe it or not, your son was an alcoholic and it was his actions that night that killed him. I know it’s not easy to hear but Rick is gone and your quest to find answers to questions that don’t exist isn't going to bring him back.”

Barb shook her head, looking at me bewildered. “No. There’s a witness that was there that night. They said they saw someone in the road before RIck crashed. He swerved so he wouldn’t hit them. Not the lies you’ve been saying!”

“I’m not lying about anything!” I snapped, mouth ready to spew hateful things towards her.

Bucky squeezed my hand as if he could read my mind, knowing what I was about to say.

I took a deep breath to calm myself, knowing that no matter what I said to her Barb would never change her mind. She could never see her son in such a negative light.

“I don’t know what else to tell you, Barb. But I know that I can’t keep doing this with you; Rick wouldn’t want this. As much as we loved each other, he wanted me to move on. We talked about it all the time that if something happened to one of us that the other wouldn’t dwell on the heartbreak. He had demons, he tried to drown them with alcohol but they knew how to swim.”

Tears pricked my eyes. “Rick would want me to be happy, to find love with someone else. He would want the same for you.”

Without another word, I let Bucky lead me inside of his apartment, ready to finally leave Barb in my past.

“Are you alright?” Bucky questioned once inside.

I sat on his couch with a soft groan and nodded. “Yeah, it needed to be said. I hate that it took so long though.”

Bucky trekked around his apartment placing the flowers in a vase then grabbing a beer for him and a glass of water for me. I smiled a thanks as he sat next to me, his hand placed on my knee. “I’m sorry for what she said to you,” I frowned.

He shrugged. “It's nothing you need to apologize for, doll.”

With his flesh hand on my knee and the metal one lounged on the top of the couch, his fingers inches from my face, I began tracing the gold lines, mesmerized by the design. Before when I would look or touch it, Bucky would flinch because he was afraid of how I would react to it.

“I don’t understand how you’re not afraid of it,” Bucky wondered.

“The way I see it,” I began while linking our fingers together, “This arm was your fresh start. Your old one did all of those horrible things and this one has done so much good, you can’t let the weight of the old one hold you back.”

A smile pulled wide on his face. “Who needs therapy when that advice is free.”

I giggled with a wink. “Plus, I come with some extra perks.”

Bucky smiled smugly with his eyes turning dark. “Care to explain what those perks are?

My lips went dry and I rolled my tongue over them, hoping it would help. The intense gaze I felt from Bucky was enough to lock me into place on his couch with my hands now in my lap clasped together in hopes they stopped shaking with nerves.

They didn't.

There was something between us, that wasn’t a question. But what exactly, I wasn’t too sure. We would flirt back and forth and have some small touches here and there but that’s all it was. Neither of us were brave enough to take the next step in this relationship.

I gnawed on my bottom lip while staring in Bucky’s eyes and I noticed the way his breath caught in his throat, unable to move as I slowly, oh so agonizingly slow, closed the distance between us. Meters from his lips, I hesitated though, my warm breath fanning over his plump lips. This close I could see how pink and full they were, practically begging to be kissed; ravished.

Lips parted and ghosting over each other, I could feel the softness against mine and when I glanced up into his gaze I noticed Bucky’s pupils were blown with desire.

Fuck it.

I crashed my lips to his in a slow but firm kiss, testing to see if he wanted this as much as I did. Soon we began to meld together, his hands gripping my hips while mine found his broad shoulders, nails digging slightly. He hissed against my lips, the sensation burning low in my core when he repaid the favor by digging his own nails into the bare skin of my back.

I nibbled on his bottom lip, begging to taste him, and his tongue slipped between my lips, exploring every inch of my mouth and I groaned when the heat expanded from my core all the way to my head, making me dizzy.

Our breathing had become ragged with desire, wanting to feel every single inch of each other's bodies. Bucky’s flesh hand tangled in my hair while his metal hand lifted me with ease into his lap, sprawling his fingers over the plump of my ass. My own hands ran down his chest, down his stomach to ghost over the belt of his pants before they snaked underneath his shirt, the skin of his stomach hot with lust.

“Bucky,” I moaned into his mouth when I felt his hips press into mine.

The hardness of his cock pressed against the confines of his jeans and a low groan echoed into his mouth when he pressed up against my heated core again.

Bucky’s lips left mine to start biting and nipping at the skin of my neck while I rutted slowly but firm into him. My hands gripped and pulled at his shirt, yanking it off of his head in a snap. I felt him tense under me as my eyes glazed over where the skin and metal of his arm met, the scars still looked fresh to this day.

I left soft, pepper-like kisses over each scar, letting him know that it didn't bother me.

“Bucky,” I breathed his name once again. “I need you.”

He spewed a few curses into the crook of my neck before finally pulling away, locking our lust blown pupils together. “Are you sure about this?”

I traced a finger down his cheek and scratched at the stubble on his face. “I’ve never been more sure about anything.”

That was all he needed before tossing me over his shoulder, and carrying me to his bedroom.

The coolness from his metal fingers felt almost orgasmic on hot skin as we laid next to each other in bed, in a post-climax haze. Bucky’s fingers traced my spine from the top to bottom, over and over again, and he would leave light feathery kisses where his fingers missed.

It had been a couple weeks since our first kiss and we had been spending most of our time in his apartment since he had the bigger bed but tonight he surprised me by sneaking into my window while I was asleep, wrapping me in a warm embrace.

“For an ex assassin, you’re still not that quiet,” I muttered into his warm chest.

“I missed you,” he breathed into my hairline.

We then proceeded to spend the next hour tangled in between one another.

Our relationship had blossomed in those few days even if we had decided to take things slow, not needing to rush or put a label on it quite yet. Even though we both knew how we felt about one another.

His soft lips left the skin of my back and found its new mark on my neck, Bucky continuing the mark he began earlier.

“Bucky, I’m so tired,” I whined, playfully smacking him away.

With a fake groan of annoyance, he pulled away not before leaving a kiss on my forehead.

“I’m going to grab a glass of water then I’ll come back to bed.”

The dark slumber was within my grasp, fingers dancing towards it, so all I could do was nod in response. The bed shifted with the sudden change in weight and I wrapped the blanket around me, allowing the darkness to fully engulf me but only to be yanked from it a short time later by the sound of glass breaking.

“Babe, you alright?”

Silence.

“Bucky?”

More silence.

Pulling my brows together with confusion, I quickly dressed myself in Bucky’s shirt that he had worn over here and walked into the main living space of my apartment expecting to see Bucky cleaning up whatever broke.

However, I only saw the broken glass from a cup and a picture face down on the ground next to my couch.

“What the-?” I muttered while picking it up.

My heart sank when I saw what picture it was; Rick and I on our wedding day.

I mentally smacked myself because I thought I had taken down whatever was left of Rick in my apartment when Bucky and I started seeing each other. It wasn’t fair to him that I still had pictures or mementos of a past love up.

“Fucking dumbass. No wonder why he left,” I cursed to myself.

I scurried back into my room and reached for my phone, typing out a message.

I’m sorry that you saw that picture. I thought I packed everything up. Can you come back so I can make it up to you?

A few minutes went by with no response so I sent another message.

Or I can come over there if that’s alright.

A few more minutes went by with no response from Bucky so with an aggravated groan, I tossed my phone onto my bed with myself falling close behind.

“Way to fucking blow it, Y/N,” I grumbled while running my hands over my face.

Two days. Two fucking days Bucky had been ignoring my texts, calls, and persistent knocks to his door. I had been a wave of different emotions the last two days; Anger, confusion, and hurt; mostly hurt.

I never knew that Bucky had an issue about my past marriage since I talked about it openly with him so much and he helped me heal that part of mind and heart, moving on completely from it; with him.

The time we spent together was some of the best parts of my life and I would be a fool to say that it meant nothing to me. Bucky had become an important person in my life and the mere thought of losing him forever weighed heavy on my heart.

A heart that took so long to mend from past heartbreak and loss. A heart that took forever to find that perfect someone to pick up the pieces, make it feel whole; loved.

I sat up in bed with a start, the blankets falling from my body, when I was slammed with the sudden realization; it hit me so hard I almost fell right back into my bed.

I was in love with Bucky.

And I wasn’t going to let him get away.

Throwing whatever clothes on I could find, I was standing in front of Bucky’s door in less than a minute, knuckles rapidly knocking with no end in sight.

“Bucky, can you please open the door?” I called through the thick piece of wood. “I really need to talk to you.”

More knocking followed by more begging.

“I’m not going anywhere until you let me inside,” I informed him with crossed arms and all of my weight perched on my left foot.

“Do I have to pull some ex assassin bullshit and sneak in through your window?”

The door in front of me opened revealing a very tired looking Bucky and I cringed when I remembered that it was almost four a.m.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t even realize what time it was.” I apologized.

Bucky simply nodded. “It’s alright.”

He went to shut the door again but I blocked it with an angry hand. “You’re not going to shut me out again. For two fucking days you’ve been ignoring me with no explanation.”

“Y/N, please-.”

“No!” I shot. “I don’t know what the hell is going on with you but I don’t deserve to be shut out like this especially after everything we’ve gone through and the things I’ve told you.”

Bucky ran a hand over the subtle on his cheek before nodding, allowing the door to open a bit more with me slipping inside before he could change his mind. I was in such a rush to tell him how I felt that I hadn’t noticed his sleeping attire; a pair of very tight black briefs and his hair was a tousled mess of slumber.

As breathtaking as he looked, Bucky needed to know how I felt.

“Did I do something wrong? I know you found that picture of Rick and I.”

He was quick to dismay my worry. “It wasn’t about the picture.”

My shoulders raised with confusion. “Then what is bothering you? Is it me, are you over us?”

“No, doll, trust me.” He hesitated to reach for me.

“Then tell me why the fuck you’ve been avoiding me?!” I snapped, voice raised in anger.

“I can’t,” Bucky shook his head, refusing.

“You’re kidding, right?” I scoffed.

He was in fact not kidding with the stern face he bore.

“God, I’m so stupid!” I covered my face with my hands. “I let myself open up to you, let you in my life when I needed someone the most, trusted you with my heart and you ripped it away from me. Right when I started to fall in love with you.”

Bucky blinked. “Wh-what did you say?”

Tears pricked my eyes. “I love you, Bucky.”

“Doll,” he breathed, unsure of what to say next.

“You don’t feel the same,” I nodded to myself, realizing what his silence meant. “God, I’m such a fucking idiot.”

Hasty wiping away the tears, I stormed past him only to be stopped by his metal fingers grasping at my wrist, pulling me into his chest. His lips crashed onto mine in a powerful kiss, tongues quickly finding each other in starvation for each others taste.

We shared many kisses but this one was different; it was the kind that made you fall to your knees with dizziness.

A good kind of dizzy.

“I love you too,” he pressed into my lips.

My heart jumped into my throat as his revelation. “Then why have you been ignoring me?”

Bucky stepped back slightly and rubbed the back of his neck. “There’s something I need to tell you. I wish I would have told you sooner, it might have saved you.”

“Save me from what?”

“Falling in love with me,” he linked our fingers together and set me down on the couch.

We sat with our knees touching and my heart was hammering so loud in my chest I knew Bucky could hear it. My mind raced a million miles a minute with different thoughts of what he had to tell me.

“The reason why I left the other night was because when I saw that picture, memories came flooding back, almost over taking me,” Bucky began.

“Memories? Of what?” I pressed.

Bucky ran a hand through his hair in clear distress. “I know what happened to Rick.”

I nodded. “Yeah because I told you. He was driving drunk.”

He disagreed with me. “He wasn’t drunk that night.”

I looked at him with confusion. “What are you talking about?”

With one last deep breath, Bucky fully confessed to his past transgression.

“Rick wasn’t drunk that night. He was sober and driving to meet with the head of the local Hydra group. I don’t know what Rick told you he did for work but whatever it was was a lie. Rick was hired by SHIELD to take back the super soldier serum I had stolen back in the 90’s.”

My eyes blinked with disbelief. “You’re lying.”

“I wish I was, doll. I knew who killed Rick.”

“Who?” I asked, afraid of knowing the truth.

Bucky hesitated, breath getting caught in his throat, before he spoke with broken words. “The Winter Soldier. And that was me.”

His bottom lip trembled the same time his nose scrunched up his disgust for his previous actions.

My whole world came crashing down from the heavens, falling into large pieces of debris around me. My heart was ringing in my ears that I swore I misheard Bucky. Everything I thought I knew about Rick’s death was a lie? Had Barb been right this whole time?

“No,” I stood to my feet with a start. “You’re fucking with me.”

Bucky reached for my hand but I snatched it away, a look of hurt flashed across his face.

“I’m so sorry, sweetheart. I didn’t have a choice,” his broken voice begged me to understand.

I stopped pacing. “How’d you do it?”

Bucky refused to answer, only standing to try and get me to stop moving. Anger spilled out of me and I pushed his shoulders to force him back onto the couch.

“How did you do it?!” I seethed.

His tongue rolled over his dry lips. “I got in the way of his car so he would have to swerve out of the way. When he crashed, I had to make it look like he was drinking so I injected him with alcohol so it looked like he had been drinking all night.”

“No,” I sobbed. “This whole time I thought he was at a bar getting fucking wasted and was on his way home when he was actually sober!”

Bucky flinched but kept his eyes trained at his shaking hands.

“You fucking left him there to die!” I screamed. “You could have saved him!”

Bucky was on his feet now, shaking his head rapidly. “It wasn’t me, doll. I swear.”

“But you still did it!”

I shoved his chest, hard, and he stumbled back a bit but kept his stance.

“I wish I never did, Y/N. If I could take back everything I did when I was The Winter Soldier, I would; you know that,” he begged me to listen.

Sobs plowed through my body causing me to shake and fall to my knees with the truth of what happened that night. The man that I found myself falling in love with had killed my husband. How do you get past that?

But it wasn’t him. He had no choice.

I screamed at the voice in my mind, telling it to shut up.

“Doll,” Bucky knelt down to reach for me.

My fist collided with his cheek knocking him onto his ass and rage took over my vision as I straddled his hips, landing blow after blow to whatever part of flesh I could hit; face, head, neck, chest, stomach, and flesh arm.

Bucky never stopped me, allowed me to hurt him; try to anyway. The super soldier serum that flowed through his blood every day made it so it felt like he was getting slapped by the wind.

“Fuck you, Barnes! I hate you!,” I bellowed while going to attack his metal arm.

In a swift movement, I was now being straddled by Bucky who had both of my hands pinned above my head with his metal fingers gripped tight. Tears fell from his eyes onto the skin of my neck and his chest rose and fell with deep breaths.

“You don’t mean that.”

I writhed in his grasp, trying to break free. “I do! You’re a monster, I hate you!”

When the words left my lips, I immediately regretted them. I knew that he wasn’t a monster, I was only angry at his revelation. I never meant to call him that. Whatever anger I had spilled out of my body through the floor beneath me and I tried to break free once again from Bucky, to reach for him.

“I didn’t mean it,” I cried.

He nodded before pulling me into his chest, arms now wrapped around me. He hushed my cries with whispers of sorrow and promised to make it right; make everything right with me and us again.

“I love you, Y/N. I’m so sorry.”

My hands clutched at the muscles of his back, my own words being muffled by his chest.

How could anything be right with us again with me now knowing the truth? Nothing would ever be the same.

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