#no one says you cant be UPSET with the decision but you cannot pretend its wrong

[overtake]

Some f1 fans cannot handle being reminded that this is a competitive sport, not daycare. Sometimes people have to do things that will hurt a driver’s feelings, seem unfair, or piss off other competitors when there’s points and millions of dollars on the line. You can still be disappointed and upset without acting like the decision made on objectively sound sporting reasons requires a trip to the hague. If you cannot handle that this sport is not actually hair braiding and gentle parenting when push comes to shove, you might enjoy another hobby better.

[thirtydaysinamonth]

my 1st sem starts july. in a month. its weird bc ive not had a break for 2 years. and now i wont have a break for the next 5 years. eveyrthing feels a little weird and overwhelming. i love my friends but this si happening so fast. ill be thrust into this new era in my life and im unsure than i was 3 months ago.

i cant articulate how i feel rn. im about to start writing in my new journal. i decided to switch to a new one when i start college. dont know how consistently ill write in it.

i met a friend after 5 years of not meeting her. it was surreal to be together inm y room again. it was natural as soon as i met her. we talked for a bit.

i just feel deflated. at night i have so many racing thoughts and many of them are so poetic i feel like writing them down but i get too lazy to pull out my phoen or diary. i also just fear that the minute i put my figners on a keybaord or hold a pen to write down something profound ill lose that thought or ill never do justice to the feeling im feeling.

one thought i had recently was about whether your past matters. it was in context to interviews for colleges or jobs. i think its sad how we expect to leave no space for correction or for change in these industry run, market driven enterprises. you have to be the best in the first go or why are you even here. why are you here if you oculdnt figure out your life goals in your teens. i think its scary that these panels expect eveyrone to have this perfect answer to their life choices. do my past choices reflect my future performance? just because the initial years of my student life saw several changes, does it mean my future middle aged self will be impulsive?

another thought is about addiciton. a very close relative is an alcoholic and i dont know how t odeal with it. should i feel resentment towards the shit theyve given to my mother and my other relatives? should i be empathetic to thier condiiton and realize that it is a disease too? is it a choice or is it a compulsion? do i judge or do i not judge? what to feel. how to not be hurt by their decisions.

anothe thought is on anxious attachment. i think i realized my best friend had been anxiously attached to me a while ago but only recently have i been affected by it. since i realized my own anxious attachment to my ex, i realize how suffocating it is. to be reassuring this person while knowing they dont want to seek the professional help that they need. i feel straight up annoyed now that i have to help her take every decision in her life and its making me feel like fuck i need space, i need space, i need space. from college applications to ordering food for her to deciding for her what to eat. its just so many things that earlier i didnt have a problem with but now i do. the random projecting insecurities and the not telling me what she wants or if she is upset about xyz thing. i also realized how much she bails on me and its a shit feeling. so many times ive been like okay its fine she's going thru her migraine episodes, she doesnt WANT to skip. but idk so many times having to reschedule or cancel. and then she thinks i dont want to spend time with her. which is wild. fuck i am pretty resentful about this nwo that i think about it.

im just someone who will take ur words at face value. and not look for a deeper meaning. if ur mad at me and u pretend like ur not, i will simply not ask if ur mad at me. i cannot read your mind and definitely not if its been churning inside you for the past 7 months. if u have something to say, say it whenever u want but dont expect me to read u when u cleraly havent expressed why ur sad/upset.

i realized i did this a lot to my ex. sucks to be on the other side. i have a lot of respect for his paitence. im just sick of people for a bit. enough of boys and enough of people.

i love my grandparents place. its so cute and lovely and slow paced. so nice.

[alwaysahiccupandastrid]

How Bad is Sia’s “Music” really?

I watched it illegally (because there was no way I was paying for that bullshit) and found out. It’s not as bad as we thought... It’s worse.

TW for ableism, Sia, drugs, alcohol, just in general a terrible movie, meltdowns, blackface

Literally the first thing you hear while they’re showing the production companies is THOSE stereotypical noises. If you’ve seen the trailer, you’ll know what I mean.

And yes, she does this for the WHOLE fucking movie

What was the need to show her in her underwear? Maddie Ziegler was 14 when this was made, so what was the need??? And why did Sia prolong the scene by having her hitting herself?

Less than a minute in and my reaction was already “what the fuck is this shit?”

So the opening number not only had stereotypical exaggerated facial expression, it has Maddie in BLACKFACE?!? And with culturally appropriated hair?!?

The exaggerated facial expressions are literally constant and I took photos during the film to show it, more later, but I’ll keep mentioning it

ITS LITERALLY THE WHOLE FUCKING TIME SHE IS ON SCREEN

Even her way of walking is fucking offensive, Jesus Christ

The vocalisations just had me cringing so hard, I cannot describe how awful it made me feel

Why do all the neighbours need to be paid off and help her when she goes for a walk? I don’t-

Yes, by about the five minute mark I was already seriously debating all my life decisions. It was that bad.

Kate Hudson really didn’t give a fuck that her grandma died

I will keep saying it but WHY are the facial expressions/vocalisations CONSTANT?!! Literally they do not stop at all. I work with a child who is actually similar to this in that he’s nonverbal and he makes similar noises/faces, but the way they’re in this movie is so over-exaggerated?!? And even the kid I work with doesn’t do it 24/7?!?

Sia, calling your characters Zu and Music doesn’t make them interesting in the slightest. They’re still painfully terrible and one dimensional

Literally ONE minute after being left alone with her autistic sister, Zu calls the mental health service asking if they could “theoretically” “pick up” her sister?!? Like she wants to get rid of her already?!?

“A magical little girl” - autism isn’t a magical power?!? And Music is a young woman, not a little girl?!? Why are you infantilising her?!?

Okay I’m not being funny but this choreography is NOT hard. ANYONE can do it, so claiming that you needed to hire a dancer to be Music because of the numbers is literally bullshit (and even so, there are so many amazing autistic actors and dancers?!?)

20 minutes in and I wanted to give up

So she had her first meltdown because her hair didn’t get braided immediately and that’s... certainly interesting??

The fact that Leslie Odom’s character says “I’m going to crush you now”?!?

AND THEN HE FUCKING PICKS HER UP AND FULL-BODILY PINS HER DOWN ONTO THE FLOOR

“I’m crushing her with my love” - oh fuck you, just fuck you

So Sia lied, the restraint scenes were NOT removed and there was no warning. She’s a fucking POS liar

I have no idea why he’s called Ebo or why he has such a cliche African accent?!? I might have missed out on why because I was busy trying not to bang my head into the table while I watched this film but just... yikes

“He (his brother) liked to be held” - YEAH, HELD. NOT FUCKING CRUSHED

“He is dead now” - IM NOT FUCKING SURPRISED IF YOU CRUSHED HIM LIKE THAT

The constant babying and patronizing of the autistic character is so exhausting to watch. I’m so tired

“Planning on sending her to the people pound but I guess I’ll keep her a little longer” - SHE WAS JOKING BUT THAT WAS NOT EVEN REMOTELY A FUNNY JOKE. NOT EVEN IN AN AWKWARD WAY

STOP THE FACES IM-

^ YEAH, Sia, totally a fucking love letter to the autistic community here ^

So Zu finds this necklace she made as a kid that had a little dog on it, and she says to Music, “He had seizures too, just like you”... MELTDOWNS AND SEIZURES ARE NOT EVEN REMOTELY THE SAME FUCK THIS MOVIE-

It’s like Sia is trying to make the movie funny but it’s really not at all

Is Zu implying that Music is autistic because the mum was a junkie?!?

For real though, the dialogue in general is so fucking awful and cringey. Whoever wrote this should never be allowed to write again

Did she seriously leave her autistic sister alone to talk to who I’m presuming was her dealer or loan shark?!?

Also why is he - a white dude - wearing cornrows?!?

So who is the film really about? The autistic girl or the older sister saviour? I think we all know the answer to that one

WHY IS SHE WALKING AROUND WITH HER TEETH JUTTING OUT LIKE THAT ALL THE TIME

The musical numbers are literally so painful to watch. The overly bright colours, the flashing... my eyes were hurting and so was my brain

Autism representation aside for a second, the musical numbers/choreography are all fucking atrocious. Ditto for the costumes

LIKE WHAT THE FUCK WERE THE PINK OOMPA LOOMPA FRUIT THINGS?!? THEY LOOK LIKE THE PINK VERSIONS OF VIOLET BEAUREGARDE THE BLUEBERRY

I wanted to cry by this point, this movie is far more awful than I thought

“I’m not saying she doesn’t want to change, I’m saying she can’t” - FUCK YOU. Why is it okay for him to assume what she can or can’t do

Can I just say that autistic people aren’t constantly in a coked up wonderland state?!! We don’t see the world as a wonderland fantasy world 24/7?!!

“She can hear you from two rooms away” / *shows her listening through two brick walls to a conversation* — Also, we don’t have super fucking sonic hearing?? WE CANT HEAR THROUGH FUCKING BRICK WALLS?!?

“She can understand everything you’re saying to her” - she’s autistic not fucking deaf

Less than 45 minutes in, there’s another meltdown in the park

“I’m not climbing on top of a small screaming white girl in public” - yeah please fucking don’t

So Zu fucking pins her down with her weight 🤦‍♀️

“She doesn’t know who she’s hitting” - IM SORRY WHAT

EBO LITERALLY SAID “TREAT HER LIKE A BEAR” when talking her through the prone restraint, I fucking CANNOT

“Tell her she’s safe” - NOT IF YOU FUCKING RESTRAIN HER LIKE THAT SHE IS NOT

The fact that she gets up, smiling and happy after a meltdown and immediately is excited to get a snow cone... I can honestly say that after a meltdown, I am in no way happy or smiling. I am often not very verbal and I’m withdrawn/not myself for at least several hours, usually the rest of the day. Fuck this film

This film is literally just about Zu, and Music is there for a plot device to give her character development. That’s all she’s there for.

Love how Sia shoehorned Zu being suicidal in there. You know, just to try and make her more easy to sympathize with (it doesn’t work)

This film is literally just a 1 hour 47 minute Sia music video with ZERO plot

WHY WERE THEY WEARING PILLOW DIAPERS IN ONE NUMBER-

I really did not feel into the side plot with that guy who was fighting but it was still better than the actual movie so...

I am SO DONE with the NON STOP CONSTANT vocal shit. So tired.

LOJ’s only role in this film is to be the stereotypical wise black guy who assists a white woman’s story. There’s like hardly any other depth there

The Ebo/Zu romance is so fucking stupid and pointless and out of NOWHERE. I couldn’t even tell if they were into each other or not

I was already so bored of the musical numbers by this point. They added NOTHING to the plot but they pretended they did, and I was so over it. And it’s not because I’m not “creative enough” or anything to understand, I love musicals and I think it could have been cool if done right... but it wasn’t. They were a mess. It’s just bad.

Sia really tried to pretend her movie was deep but really it’s a shallow mess

So Zu is meeting rich drug clients and says to Music “try not to have one of your freak outs up there” and “if you could try to get it out now”... FUCKING YIKES. It’s not an on/off button, shut the fuck up

YEP THIS WAS THE SIA CAMEO FUCK THAT BITCH

The fact that she just calls “DRUG DEALER?!? DRUG DEALER IS THAT YOU”, fucking end this please-

I fucking hate this bitch I’m dead serious

“We’re gonna send them to Haiti cause there’s been an earthquake. All these buildings fell down, children’s bones were dislocated” - WHY WAS SHE SO CHEERFUL ABOUT IT

“Gonna buy a shit load of pain meds, gonna but them on my private plane” - FUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOU

“Pop stars without borders” - Sia thinks she’s so clever but I would give anything to punch her I swear-

ANOTHER MUSICAL NUMBER JUST STOP IM BEGGING YOU

There’s this awkward conversation/bit with Zu and her drug dealer/loanshark about his outfit that was clearly meant to be funny but was just flat and painful

Yep, Sia really showed Music eating chewing gum off the underside of a park bench. Of course.

Look, the kid I work with does similar stuff by putting literally anything and everything in his mouth but like... why would you put that in your movie?

And there’s no indication before this that Music puts everything and anything in her mouth, she just randomly decides to get on her knees, under the bench and eat chewing gum, like she calculates that it’s there and gets it???

She has a THIRD meltdown after an allergic reaction to a bee sting and her sister just yells at her before realizing... I’m not here for this movie, I feel like I drifted off and was not really there

So Zu got angry because she left the drugs at the park but she’s not that upset that her sister had an allergic reaction???

Zu gets absolutely drunk because a) she lost Sia’s drugs and b) she’s stressed out by her autistic sister... wow, great message, Sia!

She really fucked off and left her sister alone to go clubbing/on a bender

The less said about the musical number here the better

Sia’s movie also checks the box of having stereotypical Asian parents, specifically stereotypical Asian dad being harsh/angry and hitting his wife!

ALSO HE PUSHED AND KILLED HIS SON WTF IS HAPPENING

Less than 3 minutes after the last, there’s a musical number that I think was about this side character going to heaven... another shitty Sia-esque number

The patterns during the number made my brain hurt.

Also there are so many autistic actors who can also dance, and yet Sia chose the neurotypical one because ✨ N E P O T I S M ✨

I just want to know how it was deemed necessary to show the fact the autistic character peed/wet herself? I mean... ??? It’s just so undignified and not at all necessary to the plot. Nothing happens after that, it just moves onto the next scene and it didn’t do anything

“I have no one” - 1) YOUR FUCKING SISTER. 2) GEE I FUCKING WONDER WHY, couldn’t be that you’re a shitty human being?!?

There’s a scene where Music is walking and she does ALL the stereotypical behaviours at once... just YIKES

Zu somehow stopped another meltdown just by grabbing Music by the shoulders and sitting her down???

Aaand yep. Another shitty musical number

Zu really goes to put her sister in a fucking facility and claims it’ll be “better for her” - BULLSHIT. Better for Zu, maybe, not Music.

Ah yes - the girl who the characters have said has problems with routines being changed/change in general... you’re now going to fuck up her routine by dumping her in a facility. Perfect Plan.

The nonverbal autistic girl suddenly speaking to say “don’t go” - you can just predict it from the off, can’t you?

Love that as soon as Music starts talking, Zu is like “fuck it, I’ll keep her!”

Zu really went and crashed Ebo’s brothers wedding... in a fucking bralette... YIKES

“I almost gave Music away” - SHE IS NOT A DOG YOU DONT GIVE PEOPLE AWAY

“We should sing a song” - PLEASE DO FUCKING NOT

Also that kiss/romance montage between Zu and Ebo was the CRINGIEST fucking shit ever

This movie seems to be implying that Music has locked in syndrome or something, like she’s locked in her own head or whatever it’s called, and I just... *sigh*

Oh and now Music magically fucking sings in a room FULL of strangers... this is literally embarrassing, please let this end

I mean it, this movie was fucking painful to watch on ever level

She got a service dog puppy which... okay?

Oh look, it’s the only decent song on the soundtrack but with an absolutely shitty over-stimulatory music video with the credits!

I can only name 5 characters in this film. Maybe 7 at a push, but even then I would be guessing

AND YEP SHE THANKED AUTISM SPEAKS OVER THE CREDITS. FUCK YOU SIA 🖕🏻

Let me reiterate: this is a movie about a neurotypical former drug addict whose character development comes from the autistic character, from having an autistic sister she has to take care of. I’m so tired.

We are NOT plot devices or tools for character development. Not once does anyone in this film treat Music like a human being - she’s treated as a burden, a problem, and then like a pet that they decide to keep. Not once is the film focused on how she is feeling - it’s always about Zu or Ebo. The performance itself was so over exaggerated and it made me want to cry when I watched it because this is how the world sees us, and this movie will make it ten times worse. It’s stuff like this that made me think “I don’t want to be labelled as autistic because people will think I’m a certain way”, that made me wait so long before going to the GP to get a referral.

As I said, poor autistic representation aside, the movie is just so appallingly bad. It truly is one of the worst films I’ve watched. If you’re going to watch it, please don’t - or, if you want to because you want to see how bad it is/to raise awareness/critical posts, at least do it illegally. Do not give Sia your money.

[avatarxfrozen-blog]

Bar Fight

Because I love protective little sis Anna.

“What were you thinking?” 

Anna didn’t meet her sister’s gaze, but she didn’t apologize, either. Beside her, Kristoff squirmed. His movement didn’t go unnoticed. 

“And you! What were you thinking, letting her do that?!” 

Kristoff cleared his throat nervously and spoke in a voice nearly an octave higher than usual. “I-in my defense, I tried to stop her! This black eye came from her elbow when I tried!” 

This time, Anna did grimace. She hadn’t meant to hurt Kristoff. Elsa groaned and buried her face in her hands. After a moment, she waved her hand. “Alright, fine. You can go, Kristoff.” 

Kristoff hurried to his feet. Anna shot him a panicked, pleading look. He just shrugged and gave her a look that clearly told her she deserved it before he left. She resisted the urge to stick her tongue out at the door. 

“Anna.” 

She looked at her timidly. “Yes?”

  “What happened?” 

“Nothing.” 

“You sent a man to the hospital. You’d better have a good reason.” 

She shook her head and looked at the ground. Quiet footsteps approached her and her head was tilted up to meet angry yet worried blue eyes. She hadn’t exactly come out unscathed.

  “Tell me. Now.” 

Anna made a decision right then and there. She would not tell Elsa the truth. It was a dangerous decision, for Elsa would be furious if she found out, and an angry Elsa was way too reminiscent of their mother. But she just couldn’t know.

  “I got in a fight.” 

“I know that, but why?”

  She shrugged. “It was stupid. I can’t even remember what he said.” 

Elsa rubbed her temples. “Anna, I should not have to tell you this, but you cannot fight people just because you’re angry. As a princess, you have to set an example.” 

Anna shot to her feet, an angry response on her tongue, but last minute, perhaps for the first time, she held it back. She bit her tongue and clenched her fists. “I know,” she responded robotically. “I’m sorry. I will not do it again.” 

She felt Elsa’s eyes burning into her. She prayed that she would just believe her and move on. After a few moments, Elsa spoke. “Alright. Go find Gerda and let her take care of your wounds. I’ll see you at dinner.” 

Anna nodded stiffly and walked out. ‘She can’t know, she can’t know.’ As much as she wanted to defend herself, she wanted to protect Elsa more. ‘She can’t know what they said about her.’ 

* 

If Anna would have looked behind her, she would have seen Elsa looking at her suspiciously. She went back inside her study, closing the door behind her, and sat at her desk. For the next hour, she tried to work, but she just couldn’t focus. Something wasn’t right. It wasn’t like Anna to take an accusation like that without replying with some sort of justification. She knew she had wanted to. But what held her back? And she had lied to her, as well. She could tell. It wasn’t just ‘nothing’. Despite her feisty personality, Anna was a gentle person. She’d never hurt anyone without a reason for doing so. 

‘Maybe they insulted Kristoff?’ She shook her head. ‘But why would she lie about that?’ 

Finally giving up on getting any work done, she decided to find the ice harvester himself to find the truth. She walked to the stable and found Kristoff there, talking quietly to Sven. 

“How’s your eye?” Kristoff yelped and nearly tripped over his own feet. She cringed. “Sorry.” 

“No, no, it’s alright. I’m fine.” He rubbed the back of his head. “So, what brings you here?” 

Elsa approached him and hesitantly patted Sven’s nose when he stretched his neck out to greet her. She examined his stiff posture and how he refused to make eye contact. “Kristoff, relax. I’m not angry at you.” She frowned at his swollen eye. “Would you like some ice for that?” 

He slumped in relief. “Yes, please.” 

She made a handkerchief and filled it with ice and handed it to him. He sighed in relief as the cold soothed his skin. After a moment, she spoke. “Kristoff, what happened today? Anna won’t tell the truth, she actually lied to me, in fact. But I need to know the truth.” At his hesitance, she added, “You’re not betraying her. I won’t even tell her you told me.” 

He finally gave in. “Alright. I took Anna to the local bar. Not to get drunk!” he added hurriedly. “She just wanted to check the place out. Then she heard this guy say, uh...” he hesitated. 

“Something about you?” 

He shook his head. “No, it was about you.” 

Her brows shot up. “Me? What did he say about me?” 

Kristoff again shifted nervously. “I probably shouldn’t say. It wasn’t nice.” 

Elsa sighed impatiently. “Please, just tell me.” 

“He called you a-please forgive me for saying this-an ice bitch. And some other stuff I promise you don’t want to hear and I can’t say.” 

She had to say that stung a little, but she already knew some people had less-than-positive opinions of her. She chose to ignore it for now. “What happened next?” 

“Well, Anna heard, so you can imagine how upset she got. When she lunged the first time, I caught her, but she elbowed me in the face, so I let go. Then she proceeded to beat the living sh-uh, beat him up.” 

Elsa nodded. “So, she beat him up...for me?” Her throat was suddenly dry.

  Kristoff’s face softened. “Yeah. She really loves you, you know?” 

Elsa couldn’t respond vocally, but she nodded. She turned away when her eyes began to sting. He was kind enough to pretend not to notice. She finally composed herself enough to speak. “Thank you for telling me. I’ll go talk to her.” 

She went back to the castle and straight up to Anna’s room. She knocked gently. “Anna?” 

There was silence, and she was afraid she was being ignored, but then the door opened. Her heart broke at her red eyes that meant she had been crying. Anna stepped aside so she could come in and shut the door. Elsa sat in awkward silence, wringing her hands, trying to come up with words to express how she was feeling. Eventually, she just gave up and, in a very Anna-like manner, pulled her into a hug. Anna gasped in shock, but then recovered and returned it, for she could never refuse her hugs; she had gone too long without. 

Elsa tried hard not to cry, and she was mostly successful. She waited until she had composed herself before pulling away to look at her. She took her hands and rubbed them. “I...know what happened. What really happened.” 

Anna’s eyes widened. “How-Kristoff!” She growled the last part. 

“Don’t be mad at him, I made him tell me.” She squeezed her eyes shut; she didn’t know where to begin. “Anna, I...thank you.” She pulled her back into the hug as a few tears ran down her cheeks. “Thank you for defending me. I...you...” She buried her face in her shoulder. 

Anna was confused and concerned. Elsa wasn’t usually like this. “E-Elsa?” 

“I’m sorry,” she mumbled, voice shaking. “I’m just not used to having people defend me, that’s all.” 

Now that made Anna want to cry. She hugged her tighter, burying her face in her neck. “Of course I defended you,” she said. “You’re my sister. No one’s allowed to talk about you like that, I don’t care who they are. And he was wrong.” She moved her head so she could kiss her cheek before continuing the embrace. She was perfectly content to stay this way, no matter how long Elsa needed it.

  Elsa finally leaned back to hold her face. She smiled warmly, eyes glistening. “I don’t know what I’d do without you.” When Anna just grinned back, she peppered her face with kisses, because she loved her more than anything. Anna’s giggle, like always, made her heart sing and reminded her that maybe Anna was right, maybe she wasn’t all those things after all. 

She pressed a final kiss to her forehead before leaning hers against her. “Can you do something for me?” 

“Anything.” 

“Try not to send anyone else to the hospital next time someone says something offensive about me.” 

Anna giggled. “I will make no such promises, but... I guess I’ll try.” 

Elsa sighed and shook her head fondly. “I guess that’s all I can ask.” For she didn’t want to change her. She loved every bit of her, slightly violent tendencies and all.

[kosmicdream]

Hi I’m Kosmic. I draw webcomics and my webcomics are really long sprawling huge cast ones that will go on for years and they’re non linear and all this stuff that makes ppls heads spin when they try to explain wtf they’re about. I ask myself this question a lot: How the fuck do I maintain this motivation for continuing projects that are honestly, probably bigger than i can possibly feasibly create??? How do i avoid swallowed up by anxiety of my own creations???? is that energy going to run out at any time? should i be worried?? Well! For some reason I... don’t? like i get winded sometimes but in the end, I actually quite like what i do and I don’t care that it takes literally years to make my stories. but when I step back and look at it objectively it does make me scratch my head and wonder how i came to be in this situation. So, sometimes i  try and write a few things that help me with understanding my own process, for whatever reason. Or at least I’ll TRY to articulate some of the things i seem to tell myself again and again that help me feel very comfortable with my writing/creating process. So if you want an insight into tips that i give myself.. this is that! 

TIP #1 - Everything you Plan will take longer than you planned, but you can make it easier by unexpectedly including information you might have otherwise withheld.

Secrets are cool in your stories. I have so many of them, but I also understand that they’re much more fun to share than to always keep locked up and out of knowledge. I often overshare to the point where ‘info dumping’ happens which is often considered an unattractive quality in comics. But IDM it so much because my comics just need to be drawn and you can’t glorify and hold every flaw over your shoulders when in the end its not going to be that big of a deal. I think its better to give out more information than finding reasons to bend around a story to avoid revealing things. I feel it might even be more obvious if you attempt to do that.

Also, I feel that everything planned in a story can happen quite quickly, and feel much shorter than actually drawing it. Even with the experience ive gained, i still am surprised just by how much i must throw out to make my long scenes shorter and snappier. even then, they are still really long scenes. I don’t mind doing this, I like to make my stories this way- but ive also designed my comic to serve this pace by making my pages less intensive physically to make. I’m not going to go in depth about this as ive already discussed this many times before, but I do think its important to understand that generally, a commitment to a comic is going to be bigger and longer than it appears in your mind or even on paper as a script or thumbnails.

(my comic eggshells, for example, was originally going to be 340ish pages long. but back then, my pacing was much different-- and my pages were generally twice as wide with around 15 panels per page..sometimes more. but i would over-render and make them hard to read, and now i draw very few panels per page and my comics are much ‘longer’ in page count.)

TIP #2

-Accept that your ideas are bigger than what you can draw and enjoy the private context and history of your work without feeling like its less accomplished for not being all out there. Validate yourself but also understand that your readers are not going to understand the depth from your perspective and they will be engaging with the view they’ve been exposed to.

This is kind of a complicated one but I think that its both humbling to accept your work as this multi layered experiences of contradicting perspectives.. theres the planning and your engagement with the goals, the work of translating your creation to others and the vulnerable exposure of these ideas to the audience. As the creator, you get to see things in a very unique way that no one else can but... the one feeling you will never get to see is the audience who has no idea what will happen next. You can anticipate it, but in the end its so vast and unpredictable that it will be impossible to judge what they ALL will FEEL and sometimes? their perceptions can alter your own enjoyment of your work. I guarantee it will change it in SOME way.. that’s part of the sacrifice.

TIP #3

-Allowing change, flexibility and growth into your series- and letting go of control over all facets of it.

As time goes on things just change. Its hard to accommodate or prepare for that kind of investment in your work when you feel like you havent even gotten through the starting gates of your story. Comics are particularly difficult for that because once you draw a thing, it takes time to edit and you cant really undo and go back. Each panel informs and builds on the next. You have to use what’s there and figure out how it can be a structure for the future.

Accepting the past that has helped create the situation and platform of your comic in the present, which will lead into the future. Personally, i’m not a fan of retconing* certain decisions that have been already made into the canon-- however, i think if a new conclusion or idea is discovered in the process of writing and it works to include because it creates a new and alive energy in the work that will help push it to the next stage.. i think that’s very helpful and useful for sustaining the growth and motivation in a story. Making choices like this can be tricky, however, but even small ones can give a lot of natural growth and flexibility in the comic. The problem can often come with letting go of that unseen, unrealized version we had intended. I know for myself, i can get very nostalgically attached to old ideas but-- if i think of something better that works or makes more sense, I’m always thankful to let go and let my stories grow into a better thing. I try to remember where it came from, however. Because that helps inform me where to go.

(*generally my definition for this is altering events of the past, certain core plans of the comic, character motivations, or facts that are connected to the worldbuilding. im kind of a hoarder so once its in the story aka on a specific page-- its not going anywhere. until then things can be up in the air. for example, the characters knife and spoon were not originally intended to be mutually in love and it was more of a one sided idol worship, but as i fleshed their characters out i realized that it was mutual and it changed and altered the story because of that. now it cannot/will not be “undone” for whatever reason bc this is.. an established fact in the story. but at one point, it was not! i hope that makes sense.)

SO TO SUMMARIZE... plans will always be “”bigger”” in the ever expansive space of your mind so also dont be afraid to get to the point sometimes even if it feels a little, like. less exciting than you thought? accept your story is going to be different for YOU vrs your audience and make peace with that disconnect even tho its disorienting + upsetting sometimes & accommodate the ~natural personal and artistic growth~ you will experience and let go of things that might be holding you or your work back from improving with you. but also dont try to cut out too much of the past because.. it is what helped you get to where you are right now? focus on the present & allow growth for the future, dont try to alter the past and pretend it didnt happen. bc that will be confusing as fuck for everyone involved and also probably hurt the story more than help it. esp if its a long one. ur building a tower dont pull out too many foundational blocks and try to make it too much of something else unless its growing there on its own.. u kno? 

When I try to write these tips these are just things I find myself doing in a cycle as i create that seem to keep re igniting my passion for my story again and again. It makes me curious because it also is a very instinctual thing so I thought I might try and write it out!!!!!!!!!! ENJOY.

ALSO some bonus thoughts!!!!!!!!!! I will say that I’ve never completed a long format comic series, so take it w/ a grain of salt imo. HOWEVER...I probably will, eventually. Even if I don’t, I do enjoy writing really big ones and I feel very happy with the work i do on them! and still feel no inclination to move onto other things. Or even when I work on other things, I don’t have a feeling of dropping a story entirely. (for example, i still intend to work on my older series eggshells and don’t really feel a desire to ‘quit’ that story even when i have matured as an author/artist since starting it.)

When I read really long comic series I wonder a lot of internal decisions that happen out of sight, since the timeline of a comic that you read is so much different than the timeline it takes actually creating the thing. its so easy to write/plan/form ideas for lifetimes of work that will never be realized, so what is it that we actually get in the pages? What aspects of this author are we actually seeing? how much have they grown since beginning and what about the story we will never know? I know I’ll never know, because, I am only the reader! And as the creator, I will never know what the feeling of my work as the reader. or the cool and interesting things they predict will happen based on their perseptions, which are so different from mine. Yet!! we are all engaged in the same story unfolding, never fully discovering what its like on the other side but only getting little glimpses and thats fascinating how a story is almost this vast illusion of experiences maintained by so many different minds. 

Long format comics captivate me because they are just, really time consuming to make and the pacing of them are so different and less consumable than other stories. They like become.. this place you live in! Why are they my favorite to enjoy even when its natural that, when a story becomes longer, its going to end up attracting more & more issues? Why do i Not care about resolutions to long stories sometimes bc my expectations for them are different?? (also lets face it, experience writing long stories is going to be different than writing short ones because it takes time to write longer things & we are not going to have as much experienc having more than one completed super long multi-act-multi-characterplot story vrs a bunch of smaller ones. it doesnt mean its EASIER to write shorter ones, if anything id argue its probably much harder to write good short things + isolate a story down to that focused vision than making tons of long ones that avoid endings) but..yet!! here i am...

why am i constantly drawn to trying to understand long format stories when I probably could improve faster by writing shorter things??! i dont really know! but i follow my heart and my heart likes to do things this way......

anyway, this entire post is mostly inspired by the fact that many of my favorite stories started before i was even born or have been going on for decades and i wonder if we’ll ever read the endings to many of them.... would it.. matter? they’ve already inspired me so much even without a resolution because i can imagine my own endings to things.. but in the end that is not what happened in the actual story. it was only in my mind.. and yet it never happened, and was an illusion unknown to anyone but myself.....and sometimes my favorite stories are my favorites because of the things i imagined them to be, rather than what they actually were or how they actually turned out.. i dont know how this happens..... but i wonder about what this means with my OWN comics, and how my perceptions of what they could be vrs what they are is like, this weird illusion that also exists only in my mind and no one else can see it. yet we are both looking at the same thing. and i want to know what others see and i never will get to??? ....stories are......... so fucking spooky!!!!!!!!!! AHHH!! ok thats all. thx for reading

[survivor-iceland]

Ep. 13 - “So its been a dayyyyyyy Jayyyyyyy” - Jack

Timmy

How in the fuck am I still here?!?! I'm overjoyed and this is incredible. Tbh Jack totally just fucked his game but this is so good for me, even if I get out at 6, I still made it a little further than I thought I would've. Also, Raffy really popped the fuck off and it was so funny to watch. I'm just in a really good mood right now.

Maynor

I cant believe idol play was amazing but it wasnt needed. Sjdbsb it was 4-3 for Jack to go is crazy. And im so happy that Timmy stayed in the game. I dont want to play the game without him. So im super happy that he’s still in. We need to win this immunity and keep it away from zoe and Raffy. We need those options open. And also try n keep the idol away from them.

Raffy

Last night was a wild trip. Firstly, I cannot believe Ellie would betray us like that when Maynor is still in this fucking game. No one, except me, seems to think that he's going to win if we keep letting him have control of the game. It's as if I am in a game with a bunch of sheep where I am the only free thinker. This applies to Jack too since he voted out Ellie instead of Timmy in the revote. Like imagine keeping Timmy in this game when he has done so much!!! Like we just keep letting them get away with things and we just keep letting them have control of the game. I'm sick of it!!! I can only trust Zoe now since apparently everyone else is too brain dead to see the obvious threats in this game. I pretended to be fake mad to Jack in order to keep him on our side. I told him that my aggression was a ploy to make them think that he's on their side. I mean I was real mad, but he doesn't need to know that. I don't know whether the lie worked or not, but I just need to find an idol or win immunity because I am sick of Maynor and Timmy being like cockroaches in the nuclear fallout. Like??????? And don't get me started on the goat Joseph who doesn't even know how to talk to people properly. All of them can go fuck off for all I care. 

Raffy

Well I didn't find the idol, and I know that Jack is on the other path with that BS rotating puzzle. So, tomorrow I'll be doing the tundra and hopefully find it before anyone else, otherwise my time in this game is running out. I don't know how well I will do with the immunity challenge, but I have to be confident to do well. I'm praying that Zoe found something because we desperately need it if onyl to prevent Maynor from having it.  

Raffy

Also this is the mood for the rest of the game for John and Ellie and maybe Zoe if she doesn't make it to FTC with me:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P0U_Cdrbols

Timmy

Raffy is so fucking smug. He laughed whenever someone messed up in the challenge and basically almost cackled when Maynor and I got it. Like don’t fucking kick me when I’m down. 6th is my Achilles heel and I’m already freaking out. 

Jack

So its been a dayyyyyyy Jayyyyyyy. First Zoe comes in here like, "hey my idol still works" so my and raffy and zoe are like okayyyy we have to freaking one of us get immunity so its at least 2/3 and then zoe wins, and then moments later i finished the HELL PUZZLE WITH THE POINTY IDENTICAL LOOKING PIECES AND BACKGROUND and whoops i found the idol, so theoretically the three of us are like 3/3 safe and can vote out maynor. He's a sweet guy but like yeet. Raffy might be in trouble if zoe like wigs out and doesnt use the idol on him/ was like totally bullshitting about it? but i hope she aint cause yeah

Raffy

I'm glad that Zoe won the immunity challenge because it keeps safety away from both Maynor and Timmy. I wanted to win it, but I am proud that Zoe was able to either way. Her idol will be extremely useful going into this next round as we are planning to use it on me in order to make sure that 2/3 of us are safe tonight. Additionally, if the votes ends up tying 3-3, we can make sure that Jack is safe by revoting and keeping him in this game. Although, I doubt it has to come to that because Jack has also found an idol from the rehidden hunt. This means that all three of us will be safe going into this next tribal council unless they have an idol nullifier. Even then they still can only nullify one which means we're still the dominating force. Basically all is looking on the bright side for Raffy in this vote, and I hope things go smoothly in spite of my confidence.

Jack

I don't remember if I already made a confessional on this, but i found an idol, so now Zoe has immunity, she's gonna play her idol on Raffy, and imma play mine on me. Timmy's been hitting me and Zoe up about flipping on Raffy but we ain't doin thatttttt. Also Joseph was like "what happened in the challenge," and then was like what you thinkinnnnnnn. Maynor in general is like kinda accepted fate vibes. Hopefully everything goes well tonight.

Timmy

I’m distraught and upset. I guess it’s pretty much guaranteed that either myself or Maynor will be leaving tomorrow. I’m so sad and he deserves to stay so much and deserves to win and if he stays, I will not regret anything I did in this game. I want him to be happy and I know he belongs in this game and seeing him happy makes me so happy. 

Raffy

The plan right now is for Zoe to use her idol on me and for Jack to use his idol on himself so that we are all safe at tribal council tonight. My FTC plan right now is Zoe, Joseph, and I. I love Jack, but he needs to go because I feel like he beats me at the end. He has an amazing redemption arc, and he has pulled off so many things in his short time here without many social connections. That's pretty impressive. However, I want to take him out at F5 or F4 because I still need him on my side. My boot order currently is Maynor -> Timmy -> Jack. However, Jack is also good at challenges which means I have to pry the immunity necklace from his hands. I know I can beat him. I just have to go out there and do it. 

Maynor

Tonight might be my last night in the game and its bittersweet. I feel like i played a good game. I also feel like i was given credit for the moves Ive made. I am very proud of myself, and usually im always very hard on myself. I feel like this was my most out there game play ive had and im still very in aw that i was able to pull off a 4-3-3, vote 3-2-2 vote, able to flip Jack to vote Ellie saving Timmy, found an idol and many things. This has been a favorite game even though i might be out tonight. Like they know Ive played hard and i kept fighting to stay in this game. Tribal is going to be 3-3. We are voting jack (me timmy joseph) and (zoe raffy jack) are most likely voting for me once again. I hope. Jack has the idol cuz he did the trees path were i knew it was going to be at but my dumbass decided to do mountain instead. Jack is either going to use his idol on Raffy to try n avoid a tie or of jack plays it on himself and he negates all his votes. Either way. We are going to lose someone and they arent. So whatever happens tonight i will be content with cuz ive done everything that i could to try and survive. ❤️ Jay for having me back. Youre the best. Love you. ❤️

Maynor

My thoughts on 5 of the Final 6 people in the game: 1. Jack- oh the second boot. Was very paranoid early of this game and its understandable. Did good in EOE and returned to the game. Seemed to fall into place to Raffy’s side by not even talking to me or people who were working with me. Made his own ‘move’ by doing Ellie during F7 vote. But honestly it was not a good move for him. Even though I preached Jack has his own story. Honestly, he is still kind of a goat. No one would vote for him to win over others left in the game. Going to the end with Zoe and Raffy is his death sentence but going also everyone else in the game is his death sentence. 2. Joseph- people are saying he is a goat but that is not necessarily true. He has made moves in this game to help his position in it. He took the opportunity at f10 to make a move. Again with John vote. Dylan vote as well. Same with Jack that turned to Ellie vote off. The moves he has made were to help him make it to the end. People are underestimating his game play and if he makes it to the end then he really deserves to win it. Especially over like Jack. Also Raffy and Zoe tbh. 👀 MaynorPart 2: 3. Zoe- Zoe is a good player. But gameplay this season, i dont think she deserves the win. She was already voted out. All her strategic moves did not go according to plan. Was over confident and cocky and comfortable in the game. Wasnt going to make it to the final 7 anyways because her allies Raffy and Dylan were going to take her out. Her game play after making it back into the game due to eoe has made her into a goat. Like if someone votes for her to win its due to them being bitter over everyone else. She didnt try to make connections with everyone. She went right back to the people she was working with. And you can feel the ooze of over confidence when she said “im fitting in perfectly” when her as only talked to Raffy and ellie and Jack. So 🤷‍♂️ Honestly social game aint that good either. 4. Raffy- oh boi. Raffy raffy. Were do I start. None of his plans have happened besides the Stephen vote and even that he said it wasnt his move. Gave it to Dylan. So 🤷‍♂️ What moves has he done really? Hes been rude to a few people here and honestly leaves a bad taste in my mouth (game wise) cuz its been more game talk from him. He gets mad when things dont go his way and just starts yelling at people that they made the bad decision. But he still fought in this game. I would gove my vote to him over people like Zoe and Jack. MaynorPart 3: 5. Timmy- can i say how proud i am with Timmy this season. His social game was amazing and strong. He had people wanting to work with him and was in a good spot for a bit. He felt in the bottom and made a move. Since then has been fighting to stay in the game. Got ellie to flip on her alliance. Said Dylan’s name for the target. He played an idol on me instead of himself. He really did all that in this game and he has a big shot to win this game. He just has to reach the final 3. I feel that he can do that. He’s a great person and honestly gunna be sad now going to be able to finish this game with him. Would have been amazing to be able to sit with him at the end of the game. But alas ive made myself into a huge target that no one would want to work with me to get to the end and i understand. It just sucks i wont be able to finish this game with him. But he would be a great winner. And he deserves it with the game he has played. Im wishing him the all the luck and sending him good vibes for the rest of the game. ❤️

[somedaypast-thesunset]

so i really think i am done now. 

like im weirdly overwhelmingly speechless but yet have so many thoughts and feelings but none of them of extreme anxiety.

he tells me he went to drop in group therapy today and that hes going to go to rehab after he takes care of me for a month and maybe he’ll be better for spring.

i’m like .........................................

oh. o.ka..y. i just spent weeks - literally weeks - being dragged along by him with phone calls and questions and requests and he saw me invest my energy and time and that i was becoming like excited for this prospect. yesterday i was being told i would make him homecooked meals and take care of his dog. like i was fed everything and boom “maybe, i don’t know, we’ll see”.

and i didnt know how to react because on one hand im like okay cool good job trying something new i hope this gives u something ur looking for and helps the situation. on the other im like wow you literally have zero care about me and even if youre sick and thats the excuse behind this back and forth - you dont care about me. is it the sickness that makes you not care or you yourself? and am i sticking around to find out on the hopes that rehab makes this better? like your complete constant inability to give any respect to another person. its not like im thinking he has to go through with the original plans or else but its like not one time did he mention hey thanks for working on this i appreciate that youre doing this with me and you put time into it and i really want to be on my top game and i know this kind of puts a bump in the road but im hoping that itll be worthwhile at the end of it because we’re on the right track but i am not.

it was just im doing this and this. cool. 

u know he cant consider other ppl right he has to only consider himself and how to make himself better while completely neglecting the massive damage he is currently doing around him but its okay because hes going to rehab and if i believe in this opportunity i wont be bothered by a bump in the road. 

yes i absolutely think my life story should be tramping across canada i guess by myself now to be with a guy fresh out of rehab. so fuck me right. and im just like.. sooooooooooo.... many emotions. im angry and bitter and sad and heartbroken and i dont know what to be. i dont know whats the “right” path for ME to take. because fuck anyone else fuck it all - whats the right path for me. do i want to be angry? do i want to cry? 

except i already knew how this went because i did it before the summer about this fucking trip so its like u must think im literally retarded. if i complained at all in anyway i was an asshole for not supporting his want to go to rehab. i didnt want him to get better. and there was no way to explain that he was just completely neglecting the damage he caused and was causing at this very moment regardless of his positive decision because nothing about making the ecision to go to rehab is that positive. its only positive because youre “getting better” otherwise youre going because you suck right now. thats not a positive decision. it is AFTER fucking rehab. but im not even on this level with him you know. im not saying any of this. i just know that if i say even one single thing about it, im an asshole even though its presented to me by an asshole. 

so i told him that i wanted to go and be sad and i talked to him later. he asked me why i was sad and really pressed on the issue and i told him it dint matter and i would prefer to just go but again he pressed and i felt anxious like either i flat out accepted what happened right now and just live my life in whatever new way i was required to in his shadow or tell him that i felt uncomfortable and sad and that he was just going to come for a month and go away again and that didnt make me feel good. 

and thus - well he was doing this positive thing and he wanted to feel better and not feel like he wanted to die everyday and you know i had this opportunity where i was too and i had problems i wasnt working on and it doesnt make him feel goo to have to deal with the stress of me being upset about his decision. 

and i was just so frustrated. like after two fucking years you still do not get it at all. like omg i could quit smoking everything tomorrow and still feel like absolute garbage and want to di ei could have a great job an still feel like garbage and want to ie because my BIGGEST MOST OVERWHELMING FEELING I HAVE NEVER NOT SHAKEN IN MY DAILY FUCKING BEING is loneliness. and its not like im forcing him to mae me not lonely. but when you offer this stupid dream world where im not going to be lonely, when you put on a mask to parade around and “care for me” after surgery but disappear promptly after its like do you not understand its literally more painful for me in my life to live with loneliness than anything this cyst does to me. anything. i could live with it for a year and it would be less worse than the all consuming depression of loneliness. and by feeling so lonely ive struggled with finding a purpose. and like i have friend(s). i have one very good friend ive had for two years that i really really connect with and really really respect and weve fought but its totally okay and when i feel really alone i honestly think of her maybe first and foremost because i genuinely feel loved by this person. i really really think they would do the most for me and in return i try to do the very most for them. and weve supported major life crisis with each other. we’ve really emapthized and like wanted nothing but the best for each other and like cried with each other and this person is truly an example of why it might be worth giving people more chances.

but i experience such an isolating loneliness and my personal battle because life has decided i will and have experienced this  is that i need to embrace being alone because of all the people who have hurt me. i am not prepared in any form to vouch for someone being okay. ive made so many excuses for shitty people and shitty behavior that deeply reflects and scarred my soul so fucking bad. im soooo tired of making excuses for shitty people. im really tired. 

i try to bring up that he had fed me all this crap and he bounced between saying “i knew it wasnt true” that he was “pretending to be normal” and that he was still buying the land and he didnt understand why this was such a problem for me because “nothing changed” and finally that he was “sorry” and kept asking me what i wanted or what i wanted him to say and its so disgusting to put the victim in a position where they have to teach you what it is you did wrong when its so fucking obvious that you lied.

and so i thought about it briefly after hanging up and once again - dont get surgery. i was so uncomfortable now. i was like downtrodden and disrespected and nothing of what he said gave me confidence in fucking anything so i had a choice of pretending like it was all totally okay and watching him leave at the end or being upset about it and getting the bare minimum care from someone who kept filling my head with ideas that were never going to actually happen. so now im like vulnerable and have to experience this person no matter what and like i dont even want to talk to him now. im so shocked. lke the full weight of what he just did has not even set in fully but i know that its so fucking heavy it just changed my soul and like the minions are working overtime to figure out how to put this shit back together because i cannot even believe the level of how he trie to sell me on this shit and have zero fucking compassion towards the idea that  he once again had to take a new path alone and “couldnt consider me anymore” but “nothing had changed”. dont be upset.

hes going to rehab. 

and like im sorry i dont really believe in the recovery of this person other than the symbolic “i went to rehab” because he smokes weed. he refuses - flat out fucking refuses to see what actual fucing hurt he caused people and hes the only person who can work on these things and in no fucking way what so ever do i believe weed has any part of what hes doing. i really dont. if i can be proven wrong in the end ill take it back in respect but fuck him anyways because if a heroin addict shot me in the leg he still shot me in the fucking leg. forgive but im not forgetting. 

like the shit he has made me do and go through is abysmal and hes never ever going to admit to anyone that he did these things to me so at no point is anyone going to turn to him and say uhm u did fucking what. so wheres my bonus in all of this when / if it all comes back in the spring and hes ready to go because omg guys he went to rehab and now hes enlightened and sober and better than all of us and still the giant piece of shit to me hes always been. and now more so because i still smoke weed and god u know im a real drug addict. 

i told him i was uncomfortable with getting surgery knowing i would essentially be stuck with him for this time and right now i was just really uncomfortable and upset. he said that was fine but he was offering to “fulfill his obligation” of caring for me and he still loved me and if i only wanted him to come make meals and change my banages an leave then he would.

and its like man no. at this moment right now. right fucking now i am full realization that this is super abusive even if youre sick. even if youre sick. because i know this. i did this. and i did this very similarly u know like this woman loved me. she loved me and she cared for me but lke there was alot of things i id wrong like i was lazy and ungrateful and spoiled and a bitch but she cared for me and especially - ESPECIALLY if i was “sick” she really “cared for me” and that cleared her record. everytime i was sick - well u know she did this and this for u. but like she was killing me EVERY OTHER FUCKING DAY and all of this - al of this my whole life with this crazy woman was because she was sick. she was sick and this happened. and he was sick and this happened but like no matter the sickness this fucing HAPPENED. you damaged another persons soul like omg do u think u can get away with punching one of ur kids and going to mental ward one time and never ever have it brought up again no u damaged that kid and ur whole fucking family forever cuz ur sick. 

so ur saying before you go to rehab you will come back and care for the person that you have to “have no concern over” thereafter and that person can have literally no fucking emotion like youre a fucking home care nurse they never met before. like omg. are you for real. am i dead? why am i crazy because i think this is uncomfortable, stressful and awkward for the legitimately physically ill person. 

he says i can decide what i want, its my body but hes still offering to care for me and he doesnt want to play games because he was fine to take care of me and get surgery before he brought this up and i had already done this before and its like man why are you gaslighting me making me thinking my feelings about this are a manipulation tactic against you when its a legitimate fucking concern for my own well being and why is it insinuatingly so offensive that i switch to concern primarily for myelf when someone says theyre also doing the same thing. thats what makes you the most sick. and no one will ever reall see this. and its like when i realized i would never get anything back from my sick father and 10 years of caring for him and its just like damn. no one - no one will ever fully know what you did and thats how you actually won in all of this. even if i go out there and i say well he did this and this you already diminished my reputation of being like a logical level headed person in relationships and now i look fucing insane especially the embarassment of sticking around. 

like i cant even explain all the ways it oesnt feel right to get this surgery. ive had nightmares of dieing and its a nothing surgery. like maybe the anasthetics kill me or something. i have a surprise heart attack from my years of smoking. and if that doesnt happen then im here with him and like i dont even want ot look up what the surgery is because im 50% still in hope that like ill jump right up and be cool and like have no problem taking care of myself and i overestimated how much care iw ould need and its all good. best case scenario. then 50% im like okay if the cyst is as bad as it was and theyre cutting out a whole chunk of flesh and stitching it my likely best case scenario is moderate swelling and pain, moderate body movement and anxiety over a fucking wound thats so deep and like ive never had such a deep wound before and in this area i cant even bend with a cyst and its stitched what if i bent and it ripped like fair enough i could ask many of these questions of my personal anxieties with a doctor. and maybe what really happens is a bit of both and i struggle with feeding and bathing myself and my biggest concern is the set of stairs to the apartment and living in disgusting filthy room. 

so now im dealing with maybe a home care nurse level of care. im made some food. my bandage is changed and im left to fend for everything else even though there could be some limited mobility and stairs and just like.. not really being able to do anything strenuous and i imagine not alot of sitting and like this all sucks and now im watching the person i looked forward to the most feed me the bare minmum and leave. or he stays and is of more help and i fall into the same bullshit again. maybe he feeds me over and over these romantic bullshit lines like once i get out of rehab wel do this and this and blah blah blah because hes still fucking sick and theres no controlling what he will actually do so what he demonstrated is that hes unstable an i have no been freshly duped by him and i dont feel mentally strong enough to take the rollercoaster with him in any way shape or form. 

as he was repeating some shit about needing to respect him getting care for himself, my phone died and i took a deep breath and put it dow and was kind of thankful that the fates of technology decided this for me because i was really really super done. i know hes serious about going and i know hes serious about having no concern for me because hes already done all of these things so everythhing that happens is tainted to yeah hes right - “i knew all along” that he was a lieing piece of shit and i was wasting my time. 

and it bothers me that like on paper im like real shit luck in life, been through so much, have very little in posessions, no family and this person was like oh hey we’ll go do this and this and frolic through the land and its like do you even comprehend the weight of what you just did to this person. and to turn around and say make a way for yourself like im piggybacking off of you? omg. 

theres like a top 5 worst people ive ever personally known. my mother almost always tops the list for pure longevity. i have an ex friend who turned so vicious it like fucked us both up in the long run and im bitter about it. my most recent friend would maybe me number 5, maybe in running with my alcoholic friend because besides being nice theyre terrible people. but in this list, possibly #2 has to be him. he is worse than my ex because my ex’s “sickness” was being dumb as fuck and hes like.. hes just dumb. hes not terrible hes just really dumb and like not a good person to be around and even though i got him arrested im not ure he would be top 5. he was just so dumb that im not like traumatize by him im just like man thats on me. thats rly rly on me. but this guy --- im not so fucking retared im just running back to a piece of shit to be shit on with zero fucking bonus to my life. this person has to actively participate in making me want to come back by actions and words. im not stuck with him at all. no money ties. i dont live with him. why woud i go back unless he was gving me something i wanted? 

but he was never going to give me anything i truly wanted. and its my fault for sticking around. he told me all of this so i shouldve known even though “we’re going to have a sugar shack, we’re going to have a dog” - and just this mention of the word “we” was soooooooooooo fucking nice to me you have no idea. this really like.. stuck in my head and made me feel a tiny comfort like wow theres a we. i’m not just an i. i’m finally a we.

does he care? no he doesnt fucking care. hes sick. hes going to rehab. 

the bestthing he could do is leave me alone. thats truly the very best option. my trust is broken. like nothing he says to me from this point on is believable or true or leads to anything substantial. i should put no weight at all on anything he says which makes any conversation with him totally useless. because even if our convo is political i dont believe thats what he believes anymore. maybe tomorrow he believes something else. 

and if you love me. if you actually fucking love me you dont “love me to death”. thats not it. true love of me is an actual understanding of who i am and what ive been through, to really deeply respect where ive come from just lke i have to respect everyones living family my story should be equally respected and taken seriously and not toyed with. thats showing me a true love and if you cannot do this you need to step away and honestly man. its not like a step away for awhile and we’ll see like people are like wow ur so black and white but why am i fucking with a future you when both present and past blew it? there is no evidence to even back up future you and by the time future you outweighs all of this karmically, who the fuck cares that we ever knew each other its like some kid i sat beside in a classroom. like cool bro ur still alive wow nice. i never want to deal with him or anyting about him again. he made me carry so much of his weight he refuses to see it and i didnt need any of this in my life and i didnt ask for him to do any of this in my life. but i shouldve walked away sooooo long ago. i can reprimand myself fo this. but i also know im on my process and this is part of it. this is three years out. im not even homeless or fucked up im just like super sad about all of it. 

he had this speech about how i had to get the surgery before because we had to be ready for spring. so he had intertwined this surgery with this proposed future and i had to do it to be prepared and show him im serious and now im like bro if i get one in 3 months who cares ill just go to the hospital again. this is an option. they never said i would die if i idnt get it. its just a like.. quality of life surgery. and my quality of life is shit anyways this surgery and these cysts mean nothing to me and having to go through all of this man.. at one point he had literally said “if you dont get surgery because of me then thats how itll have to be” 

so you stepped on other people, you hurt other people and if they dont do a thing to better themselves because they have to deal with you “then so be it”? im going to ~rehab~.

i havent turned my phone back on for a few hours i guess and i really dont want to. he wont have done anything differnt, ill have gotten no messages but i dont know. i just.. i want to forget all of this. him, the surgery. just continue to hobbit for the month or something and “figure something out”.