#no one perceive me for the next 90 days lol

[kithtaehyung]

AGUST D + his scar

[thesorcerersapprentice]

Thank you to the fabulous @that-cyber-writer for tagging me in this Writing Questions Tag Game! D.M. Foyle, as @that-cyber-writer is also known, is working on a nail-biting crime thriller entitled Tangled Wires starring Raz, a brilliant hacker on the run from the Russian mob. Interested? Go check out Tangled Wires and all of Foyle's projects here! I'm tagging (no pressure!): @inkovert @outpost51 @aquadestinyswriting @merlina87 @sarah-sandwich @lucianinsanity @winterandwords @threeking @avrablake @the-finch-address @thawinoakenshield @the-down-upside-finch @lunarmoment @sodaliteskull @kingkendrick7 @harps-for-days @cee-grice @tate-lin @rubywrite @poppy-in-the-woods @hippiewrites @the-down-upside-finch @lexiklecksi @linaket and anyone else who'd like to participate!

✦ What is your absolute all-time favourite idea you’ve ever had?

The one that inspired the novel I'm writing right now, The Sorcerer's Apprentice! Initially, I just wanted to explore the relationship between two individuals at completely polar opposite moments in life: one, an elderly character, preparing to die and looking back; and the other, a youthful character, just beginning to come into their own, in early adulthood, still figuring out who they are and what they believe in, facing forward. It would be a lie to say that the novel isn't still very much built around this dynamic, between the elderly sorcerer Valeriano and his young apprentice, Altaluna. But it's grown from the original idea to incorporate issues and topics I hadn't expected; climate change, environmental disaster, colonialism and neocolonialism, the body as a machine, contemporary theories of perception, abusive family dynamics, and more. These topics and their associated plot/world ideas are likewise what makes The Sorcerer's Apprentice my favourite written piece to date. It's like the more I dig, the more I enjoy what I'm doing. If the first idea was compelling but lukewarm, the accumulation of ideas that has ensued as I attempt to do the initial idea justice has taken it to the next level.

✦ Is there a question you’ve been asked that really stands out to you and that you still think about sometimes?

Not that I can think of off the top of my head! Sorry :S I wish I did.

✦ What is your favourite part of being a writer? What parts could you take or leave?

The trouble is, you can't have any of it without all of it, so this is a bit of a trick question, to which I don't really have a clear answer. I love it all. I hate it all. I struggle every step of the way. And I have the time of my life, always.

✦ What is your greatest motivation to write/create?

It's changed over the years! As a child, I just liked exercising my imagination. In my teens and early twenties, I wrote to escape or to envision the life I wanted, the person I wanted to be, and how I wanted to be perceived by others. Now, my greatest motivation is rage. I am one very pissed-off adult lol I suppose the difference is also that now I actually have something to say, something I feel is worth saying. And I feel that very strongly, which helps me get over the bad days at the desk where no words are coming or where I doubt my capacity to write at all. Because it doesn't matter. This -the message of my novel- has value to me. It's more important than my small personal feelings of insecurity or ups and downs. So I'll find a way. That's my motivation. It's not really that I want to write, it's that I have to. It's that I can't live in a world where this isn't said ~ and where it isn't said the way I'd like to say it.

✦ What is the best piece of advice you’ve ever read or been given as a writer?

The best advice I ever received was from a world-renowned author in his 90s who told me that it (writing) never gets any easier, so basically, your choices are either quit or keep going with the knowledge that it's never going to magically turn into a picnic, no matter how much experience/talent you have. I also got some lovely advice a couple years ago from (I think?) Anne Lamott in her writer's memoir Bird By Bird. In one of the chapters, she mentions that if you lack inspiration, you can always write to get your own back, aka. you can always write as a way to avenge yourself. And that just flipped a switch in my brain. I don't think I'd be writing The Sorcerer's Apprentice without that little seed she planted.

✦ What do you wish you knew when you were first starting out writing?

Nobody knows what they're doing. You'll never be more prepared than you are right this minute. But also, you have to live a little before you can know what you want to say ~ the same way you have to live a little to figure out who you are. Writing is organic. It grows with you. You have to let yourself grow, so the writing can follow.

✦ What is your favourite story you’ve written to completion? Link it if you’d like and can!

I don't have a favourite completed story to share, so I'm sharing a link to my current WIP, The Sorcerer's Apprentice, a fantasy novel exploring the interplay between colonialism, capitalism, and environmental catastrophe through the fraught relationship between a mysterious sorcerer and his protogé.

✦ Which of your characters would you say has the most controversial mindset? Why do you say so, and how do you personally feel about their ideals?

Valeriano, the antagonist of The Sorcerer's Apprentice, is the only character I've ever written whose views are absolutely despicable in almost every way. I'd be very concerned if my readers don't find his mindset controversial. The man is sexist, racist, and classist; he discriminates against any LGBTQ+ classification that isn't his own (biphobia, anti-lesbian, etc.), he's morally perverse, and he bristles with a sense of in-born superiority. In short, he represents the polar opposite of my own personal views and ideals.

✦ If you, when you first started writing, met you now, what would younger you think?

A younger me would definitely not recognise me, let alone understand why I'm writing what I'm writing. And that's how it should be! I'm glad little me enjoyed a time when all that mattered were unicorns and fairies, and the world was bright, open, and good. I wouldn't take that away from little me for all the world, not for anything. Plus, I have the lingering feeling that little me would be proud of me anyway. Even if she doesn't quite get it. She'd trust me and my choices. We'd be different, but we'd be cool, you know?

© 2024 The Sorcerer’s Apprentice. All rights reserved.

[beesmygod]

Hello, do u have any game recommendations for the steam winter sale? If not don’t worry. Have a nice day!

what a sweet question...my recommendations are going to suck so sorry ahead of time

dark souls remastered - $19.99 / dark souls 3 - $14.99 : you know what these are. i still think the remaster price is bullshit. that's a good price for 3 tho.

sekiro - $29.99 : this game took a long time to grow on me but man. it fucking rules.

fallout new vegas ultimate - $7.99 : the good bethesda game not made by bethesda. a steal for a game that i dropped a ton of time into over the years. for some reason it just kept pulling me back in! it's just kinda fun to explore, you know.

morrowind GOTY edition - $4.59 : god i love morrowind. uh, once i modded it to hell and back lol. the base game is not very playable. but once you fix all that shit my god its easily my favorite bethesda game. it has absolute faith in the player to fucking figure shit out and doesn't give you waypoints. instead you have to ask around and get directions! they have not and will never make a world this weird again. you ride around on giant insects and explore cities with bizarro architecture that's easy to get lost in. you meet living gods and dunmer who have gaping holes in their faces and empty skulls. the fauna are fucking dinosaurs. its so fucking good. AND everyone fucking HATES YOU LMFAO. EVERYONE. absolutely no one wants you to be the chosen one. its great.

oblivion GOTY edition deluxe - $5.99 : morrowind's much much dumber brother. hysterically bad at times. breaks in the funniest ways. install mods so it breaks more often. one time i walked into a village and everyone was t posing outside and slowly slid to the left through houses and barns and shit until they disappeared into a mountain. just wonderful.

dishonored definitive edition - $4.99 / dishonoured 2 deluxe bundle - $11.99 : extremely fun series where you get to teleport around and kill people. takes itself very seriously which makes it all the more charming lol. it feels good to play, you know.

opus magnum - $9.99 : i still havent finished this puzzle game because its hard but like. good hard. reminds me of the difficulty of 90s puzzle games that were geared toward adults.

two point hospital - $8.74 : this is just the base game bc the price for everything is completely out of pocket. this is a hospital sim game. run your hospital. hire your staff. build your rooms. try not to kill people. don't go bankrupt. good luck!

disco elysium - $17.99 : you know what this is.

girls like robots - $3.49 : a little puzzle game that scratches an itch ive been drastically trying to scratch. you can pick up and put down quickly. i like it

sunless sea - $6.45 : taking place in the world of the browser game "fallen london", you pilot a ship and manage your sanity, HP and food meters while out at sea. slowly reveal the map, find ways to make money by determining the best trade routes, and meddle in everyone's affairs. everyone's. the fellas at the salt lions will trade with you until the supply dries up and the fed-up postal workers have their own very insular culture that doesn't involve you and the polythreme causes all inanimate to become alive. all of them. pretty neat.

civ 6 anthology - $29.88 : ugghhhhhh 30 dollars?! in this economy?! damn you sid meiers and your stupid piecemeal dlc releases. you might as well get the full bundle bc the base game is unplayable. they shipped half a game. this pissed me off so much next time im pirating. good game tho.

pathologic 2 - $9.79 : maybe a little too close to reality right now but it is one of the best games ive ever played. feel free to play it on any difficulty option (this game is notorious for its perceived difficulty) but know that you're supposed to die and fail repeatedly. you cannot save them all. you won't save them all. maybe on the next playthrough, you can take what you've learned, try again.

planescape: torment - $5.99 : i played this ancient game this year and had an absolute blast with it lol. despite knowing nothing about the lore of the world, i managed to get sucked in to this really weird place the game dropped me in and quickly caught up on all the details.

sleeping dogs - $2.99 : neo-noir mystery set in hong kong. you play an undercover cop trying to infiltrate a gang so the game has you working both criminal stuff and police work at the same time. neat concept. funny on purpose at times. but my god the ending is disappointing lol. im telling you now to spare you the "that's it?!" feeling

saints row 4 game of the century edition - $4.99 : deeply stupid game. the johnny gat DLC is supposed to be terrible. the christmas one was a hoot. its mindless.

SOMA - $4.49 : philosophical horror game about consciousness. i dont know if there's a way to describe it without sounding pretentious. the way the player choices are utilized is the best way ive seen in a game so far since it reaches past the character youre playing to you, the player. highly recommend to play the mode where the monsters dont kill you. i fucking hate frictional games' gameplay. its wretched stuff. plus the monsters are pretty cool lol i liked looking at them

star wars knights of the old republic 1 & 2 - $3.49 : these games are worth exactly this much. the first one is one of the stupidest games ive ever played in my entire life and i dont think ive laughed so much. its like a b-movie in game form. its a riot, its just not good. the second one is made by obsidian and NEEDS!!! the patch!!!! to be a fully playable game. with the restored content its not half bad and the writing still drops into b-level territory delightfully.

[hopefullystillatheatrestudent]

this might be a weird thought but the way jensen performs masculinity (and i KNOW it’s a performance cause like, have you SEEN the mockumentary?) is just.... so inherently queer to me lmao

ok. okokokokokok. you asked for this. i have a LOT of thoughts on this. it’s gonna be under a cut because i’m gonna be annoying and psychoanalyse a celebrity i’ve never met(and hope i never do) but trust and believe when i tell you i know what i’m talking about so

you want my opinion? here goes. there is absolutely no way jensen ackles is straight. i hear you, ‘how do you know that he’s bi? that’s invasive and creepy’ but may i counter that point by saying how do you know he’s straight???? why is the default for everyone heterosexual? that’s a toxic mentality to have; ‘oh you don’t know for sure so just treat him like he’s 100% straight just in case’ like....what? heteronormativity drives me wild i’m sorry

and also, um, just to, um, prove my point that this man is decidedly not straight™(i really don’t want to do this but like it has to be said) we KNOW he’s not straight because his d*ck has spoken for itself around misha, like, four times. I HATE SAYING IT!!!!!!! but, um, straight men don’t get aroused by men. ...do i really need to explain myself further???? that’s what i thought(and don’t give me the ‘it could have been for unrelated reasons’ or ‘that wasn’t a boner!’ crap because um good lord yes it was and misha caused every single one so no it wasn’t a coincidence i’m gonna move on before i collapse into myself like a dying star)

anyway, on to the topic at hand which is jensen and his performative masculinity. and it’s a juicy one.

after the unconscious amount of hours i’ve put into watching and subconsciously judging jackles, i have come to the conclusion that like, 90% of how he presents himself and talks and even moves is an act. it’s a facade. it’s a shield. he is not that person. it actually seems exhausting, because he tries to compose himself in this macho, manly, confident and effortlessly cool way, but he’s not that person he desperately wishes he was and wants to be perceived as. he’s on guard every second, even the slightest tilt of his head is like, pre-meditated in some way? if i’m going FULL body language analyst mode, i’ve noticed he has a certain posture he always shifts himself into, and it’s very ‘pursed lips, stoic faced, gruff voiced, square-shoulder, broad and manly’ but, not to be rude jensen, it kind of reads as a little kid imitating the adults he thinks are cool? oof i am going IN huh(it’s out of love though i promise)

he is trying to be this person at every second:

because that’s who he wishes he was, because that’s how he gets validation from the people around him that he looks up to; straight white guys. but to me, who he presents himself to be at conventions is just as much of a performance as this whole eye of the tiger bit is.

oh i should mention i know his body language isn’t naturally like that because how he naturally carries himself is actually pretty flamboyant? like he seriously must be toning himself down HARD

examples:

there’s no tension in his body here as opposed to the eye of the tiger gif. i’d describe it as...generally loose and free? he’s at ease when he moves like that and you can see it.

oh and dude!!! DUDE!!!! how could i not mention the fucking SPECTACLE that is his voice??? jensen. i watched season one. i know where your voice naturally sits. THAT IS NOT WHAT YOU SOUND LIKE. and there have been so many accounts of fans visiting jensen in his trailer and being surprised that his real voice is two octaves higher. again, his performance of masculinity is all encompassing. he can’t even talk normally because, in his mind, that’s a chink in his armour.

and, like you said, anon, this whole smokes-and-mirrors gong show of ‘i am the cool texan man’ is inherently queer. who are you trying to impress??? guys??? that’s pretty gay dude.(btw: gay[honorary])

i feel like i’ve already read this man for filth but i have to keep going bc i have so much to say

ok next thing i’m gonna talk about is how jensen says one thing but everything else about him tells us the exact opposite. another HUGE element of performative masculinity, ONE THAT DEAN WINCHESTER IS A MASTER OF. have i mentioned how dean and jensen are like mirrors of each other when it comes to their sexuality and queer identity??? because it is fascinating how everything i say about jensen also directly applies to dean.

allow me to introduce the grumpy face™. as in, the face he glues on when he’s enjoying doing something but doesn’t want to let anyone know it. and it’s ALWAYS when he’s doing something that could be seen as unmanly in any way. (and when i say manly i mean the ‘ideal’ version of manhood that doesn’t really exist but that jensen seems to be striving for[and dean too])

prime example is this video he did with daneel. the grumpy face™ doesn’t budge the whole time as he’s like,,,,playing an instrument and acting like he doesn’t want to bc i guess that’s too girly??? but i also find this video fascinating because the joke IN it is kind of that they’re both poking fun at him for being so insecure about playing a freaking flute. because, i mean, he gets into it, but he wants you to think he is not.

also this picture.

what is this. i hate them. jensen is smushing himself into misha’s forehead but noooo his face is telling us ‘i hate this’ because CLEARLY he does. also misha’s so happy ew gross

he does that face in photo ops with misha ALL THE TIME but how many times has he also literally asked the con goers if he can also have those photos on his phone too? because of course he actually loves touching misha and is actually a sentimental fool but he tries so hard to hide it and fails so spectacularly.

oh and this. and of COURSE this. actually let’s talk about the hitch kiss for a hot minute because it’s a perfect example of exactly what i’m talking about

(he is so transparent guys. he tries so hard but he’s so obvious.)

1. misha was never supposed to be onstage with him. so it’s a boldface LIE and OBVIOUS PLOY TO GET MISHA TO KISS HIM when he says ���they’d like us to make out now’. but of course the way he says it is ‘oh my god can you believe what these crazy panel people are making us do haha but i mean what they say goes amirite’. same energy as ‘oh my god did you just dare us to kiss rn???’ ‘....no i didn’t’ ‘oh my god i can’t believe you’d ask that haha but i can’t say no to a dare lol’ it’s the SAME THING

2. the fact that he was in the worst mood before misha came onstage and FAKE KISSING HIM made him feel...SO?? much better? like not just a little better a lot better like, again, that says a lot, because if they weren’t dating he would not be in a better mood if misha kissed his cheek unprompted. bc that cheek kiss wasn’t a joke it was a genuine sign of affection and AHHHH

3. after the kiss happens. you know, the one that jensen actively leans into and is smiling like an idiot the whole time through and is quite clearly having the time of his life during....he says ‘well, that was uncomfortable’. .......my guy. um. i don’t know how to tell you that i do in fact have eyes and you are NOT pulling the fast one you think you are

like i’m so sorry jensen but i have you pegged. it’s literally no use.

god there’s so many instances of him doing this with misha specifically. the whole ‘ew gross lol’ but then everything about him tells us the exact opposite. like this(i hate this. how dare he say ‘he has though, hasn’t he?’ LIKE THAT?????)

so yeah my point with that is he really wants us to think he is one thing when he is the antithesis of what he’s trying to be. he really likes those things that he talks down about, and everything he’s loudly projecting is all to hide how he really feels. he went to a gay bar with daneel, for crying out loud. he wants to play a role in drag. he’s queer and he likes it. pov: you’re jensen ackles train of thought: ‘ok so i really like this thing that people might make fun of me for or call me gay for liking so if i just say ‘lol as if’ and make a grossed-out face they will be FOOLED. i am a genius. hey misha wanna blow on my ear lol i meAN GROSS EW’

i have two more things i want to talk about when it comes to this topic so PLEASE bear with me anon this is why you took so long to answer clearly lmao

ok so we’re now going to go over my favorite hot take of all time. which is ‘how do we know dean’s performing masculinity? because sam isn’t.’ only replace dean with jensen and sam with jared and oh my god do we ever have a case

jared is as STRAIGHT as they come. he is secure in that knowledge. and that’s why he is perfectly comfortable treating misha like this:

and not try to scream ‘i am not enjoying doing this!!!!!!’ at us. because he doesn’t care what we think of his sexuality like jensen does(because he has nothing to hide whereas jensen DOES)

something i found the other day that no one has brought up but i SCREAMED upon finding it is this one clip THAT I CAN’T FIND OH GOD but i promise i’m not making it up. i can’t believe i can’t find it guys it is gold. i need need NEED to talk about it. and if anyone knows what i’m referencing and can apply links in any way i will love you forever but here’s what happens off the top of my head:

ok so i’m a bit too braindead to explain it perfectly but um basically it’s a j2 panel and someone brings up magic mike and i think jared says ‘yeah i didn’t watch it’ and then jensen says ‘all the way through’. stupid joke. whatever. the joke is that jared is gay for watching magic mike.

and then i literally kid you not. jared gets this like ‘jesus christ ok dude? lol’ look on his face and then goes ‘projecting much, mr. ackles?’ and jensen gets a guilty look on his face and walks away. and jared did not say it as a joke. he was being dead pan and earnest. and jensen knew it too, he knew he was projecting. i wish i could show you guys the clip i promise if i ever find it i’ll link it but IS THAT NOT SO DAMNING FOR JENSEN????? like come ON. also proves my point that when you compare how they feel about watching magic mike. jared doesn’t care bc watching it just doesn’t interest him, but he also thinks that just watching it in itself doesn’t make you gay. jensen however.......has a different mindset, clearly.

‘projecting much, mr. ackles?’ is actually a great title for my next and FINAL section(we’re almost there folks) which is how jensen projects his insecurites about his own sexuality and relationship with misha onto misha.

i hope by now we’ve all seen this video of jensen impersonating cas. it is a blatant microaggression on his part. and like obviously homophobic. it’s like in his mind if he makes fun of them for being gay it makes them both less gay somehow??? it’s self-deprecation in a way??? let’s just tell it like it is: that impression was just jensen’s overt internalized homophobia rearing it’s ugly head. he does it a LOT too when it comes to misha.

i mean:

and that whole mess where he’s making fun of misha for being a bottom in their panel in 2016? ‘so you’re saying, like with football terms, there’s a handler and there’s a receiver heheheehe’ jensen you’re not exempt from being gay just because you know football terms lmao

oh and his OTHER impression of misha where he mocks him for...bicycling...because it’s not a manly enough sport??? jensen NO ONE else has ever thought this hard in their lives about what constitutes as masculine enough to be a sport before. that’s all you bud. we don’t find those jokes nearly as funny as you do. you are reaching, sir

the good news is that misha thinks it’s hilarious and knows it’s projecting on jensen’s part and will tease him endlessly for it. many stories come to mind, like that one photo op story where they’re literally dressed in rainbow banners and pride stickers but when misha goes to hold his hand jensen said something like ‘no way’ and then misha stepped back, put his hands on his hips and went ‘that’s the part that’s too gay for you???’ and jensen LOST it

or when that whole underwear thing happened(messy messY MESSY BTW) and then a fan asked a question about what dean and cas would do in rome and misha just said ‘when in rome’ and jensen makes a face like ‘are you serious’ and then misha says ‘you can’t look at me like that anymore, because of what you did!!!!!!’

OH and that whole story about when misha suggested they put jensen in the closet for that cat video....yeah um

and then when jensen was asked to do bisexual finger guns for a photo op and the con goer said ‘he looks bisexual here’ and misha literally said ‘oh he definitely looks bisexual here. i would say he’s actually closer to the gay side of the spectrum’ so..um...make with that as you will

OH MY GOD i’m finally done. wow. WOW. that was a lot. i hope i’ve blown your minds. ty anon i really wanted to talk about this and i hope you’re happy with the outcome!!!!!!

[lamortexiii]

The HellBilly Pulpit: The Brooding Time - Gen X in the ’90s

What can I say that hasn’t been said already about the 90s and Gen X?

Maybe, I can just reflect on what it was like from my point of view during that amazing time.

I was in high school and if I only knew then what I know now lol. I remember this was when I first became aware of what was going on in life. I was listening to something new that I had just bought, it was nothing like I’d heard before-, Alice in Chains Facelift and I thought to myself, here it is, this is a new beginning, MY beginning, I can be anything and whoever I want to be.

My time was a bit “in-between” so to speak. Big hair and glam metal were fading away and Grunge was just starting to break the surface. So weird that in-between time. We/I didn't know where to go.

During these next few years, I saw things that are now just footnoted in pop culture, although through the eyes of wonder. We didn’t have cell phones and youtube and we BARELY had anything that resembled the internet. Social media was Mtv and Mtv2. Ren and Stimpy, Beavis and Butthead, Nickelodeon, and man was it fun. We saw Waco go down, the first attack on the trade center, the first gulf war, and President Clinton. Oh, man... We also had Achy Breaky Heart and the first Gen Power Rangers. Comedy for us teens was a mixture of everyday humor, to that cutting edge of the adult world just peppered in there. It was glorious. I remember laughing harder in that time frame than I have through most of my adult life so far. Things were cool. Things were carefree. Things were getting weird.

Then something happened. We got broody, angsty, annoyed, and irritated. We didn’t end up being like our older brothers and sisters who were so eager to live out what our parents wanted for them. We didn’t want to be told who we were supposed to be. A lot of us watched our parents work themselves stupid as we became latchkey kids. Minimal supervision and a shift in our reality all fed into this, “life sucks and everything is dreary” sort of attitude that became what a lot of us perceive as “gen x”. We went from Disney to Tim Burton. We were determined to break that mold and stop living what everyone wanted us to do and be ourselves. We became the “slackers and the losers” (thanks Beck for the unofficial theme song), and not caring as each day that passed was just another dreary reminder that we did, didn’t matter in the end. Life sucks and reality bites.

Music changed our lives instantly. Record stores were a thing and we could immerse ourselves in just about any genre or style you could think of. Man, we were an eclectic bunch. My tape rotation consisted of Alice in Chains, Pearl Jam, and Soundgarden one minute and then Slayer, Pantera, Suicidal Tendencies, Danzig, and Metallica the next. The more intense, the better. It was cathartic to know that what I felt inside was felt by others too. The music told me that I’m not alone. That still resonates today, sometimes even more with all of the subgenre and side projects that my favorite bands have spawned or influenced since that time.

There was no shortage of fuel for our fire either. We had The Craft, The Crow, Nine Inch Nails, and Tool all reaching out to open our minds and set us free. White Zombie beat the normal out of us and threw on the dirt, it was amazing. Korn brought out our anger and set it on fire.  Big shorts and pants before Jnco’s were a thing. The Blair Witch, Lalapalooza, the second Woodstock, skateboards, piercings, tattoos, and punk rock on top of it all! The freaks were in and we weren’t going away!

In the latter part of the 90s, I was in the military for a brief time, got married at 20, and thought I had life planned out... SMACK- I was discharged, divorced, and living with my bros to watch the turn of the century. Lol... Y2K! Your computers are gonna die!!! Man, we were stupid back then... Wait.. we still are... Maybe worse lol.

I embraced my time as a slacker in the military where my ideals were definitely not what the military needed or wanted. I found myself once again, outcast and brooding. I discovered that I wasn’t just socially different, I was spiritually different. Basic Training found a lot of us regretting our decisions and looking for comfort. I tried the church only to find it just felt too generic. All of the people in the pews reciting the same prayers, praying for the same things, and just being immersed in their cookie-cutter spirituality. It did not speak to my individual wants or needs or feelings. I wanted... No, I needed something more. This wasn’t for me.

Enter the occult. Enter paganism. Enter the anti-established religion mentality.

I started out with learning about some ancient celt myth and magick (my first book), from there I kind of branched out in about a half dozen different ways. I read about Satanism, Wicca, Atheism, and tons of things in between. Mind that when I started this road to discovery, I was an enlisted soldier in the US Army. these things did not go over well with those in charge. We had a prayer once before a holiday-themed run where I did not participate. I stood there, looking around, being respectful to those who were participating, but  I was called into the office and asked if I practiced “the dark arts”. I had to laugh. Such a blanket, stereotype pinned on me for just being true to myself. They must have seen my barracks room. Blacked out with various metal band merch laying about with the quasi shrine to Marilyn Manson. The incense and what probably struck them more than anything was the lack of any Christian-themed propaganda, I mean decor. :)

All of this lead me to believe all the more that I was on the right path when I stood out as an individual enough to make people question who I am and what “is wrong with me”. This was the new brood infecting their rank and file and I’d like to think that I set a path for others that came after me.

When I was discharged and went home, I felt out of place. I had a new appreciation for the world, nature, and humanity all because of staying true to who I wanted to be even beyond the brainwashing that I endured. That is another story for another time though...

Those years in the ’90s really were a crazy time to come of age. But I wouldn’t change a thing about it. It set me up for life’s later difficulties and triumphs.

It was the brooding time.

Ava Satanis

HBVV

The HellBilly Pulpit Blog by @hellbillyvvitch @thehellbillypulpit

[whentherewerebicycles]

You seem to be really amazing at executing planned changes with food and exercise (and also generally better psychological habits) - can i ask for advice on this? I’ve finished up studying for now and realise my body has turned into a twisted up, pudgy, weakened wreck! Exercise hurts and sugar/processed food feels so cosy and I can’t seem to get through this part where i have to feel discomfort for a while before i feel better!

What works for you? Should i read that atomic habits book you mention? I saw another one recommended - the Kindness Habit - do you know anything about it?

(I tried journaling btw - but it didn’t get me anywhere)

hello!! i can share some things that have worked for me when it comes to implementing longer-term changes in diet and exercise. these seem really simple but i think that actually making big lifestyle changes is much less about summoning up colossal amounts of willpower and much more about making small but important tweaks to the way you think about/approach diet and exercise. here are five things that have been helpful to me.

(1) don’t think of diet changes in terms of restrictions (i.e., “what delicious cozy sugary things do i have to deprive myself of today to be Good”). instead, approach diet changes as a fun little game of adding in as many good things as possible (fruits, veggies, leafy green things, nuts of all kinds, whole grains, beans, etc.). every single time you are preparing a meal or looking for a snack, describe it to yourself as a chance to be creative and resourceful, as you think about fun ways to add in small good things every time you eat. especially in the early weeks, don’t restrict foods from your diet at all. focus solely on finding a creative way to add in something healthy and delicious every time you eat. (i really liked using the daily dozen checklist when i was starting out—they have an app and it’s very satisfying and fun to see how many things you can check off the list each day.)

(2) narrate this “adding-in” game aloud to yourself. for example: “oh—what if i eat a big handful of berries on top of that ice cream?”, or “i’m hungry—ooh, there are carrots in the fridge, aren’t there? i’ll eat three carrots with hummus before i switch over to pita chips”). and every time you figure out a creative way to add in a good food, stop and observe yourself doing it, and let yourself feel a little spark of delight at how clever and creative you’re being. this sounds silly, but i swear it works! part of changing your habits is changing self-talk & especially changing the kind of running narrative you have in your head about who you are and what you do. you can change that narrative in part by repeatedly reframing the way you tell it to yourself, ideally aloud (or aloud in your head) to help you can better “hear” and internalize the new story. instead of “ugh... i ate ice cream again. why don’t i have any self-control? why am i someone who just eats like crap?”, you’re offering your brain an alternate story, one that focuses less on things you perceive yourself as lacking, or on things you ‘failed’ to do, and more on the creative, positive things you did do (“i wasn’t going to eat any fruit today, but wasn’t it great that i remembered we had those frozen berries in the fridge? that’s pretty creative and resourceful of me, and plus it’s a good way to use up something i’d forgotten i even had”).

the “noticing and feeling delighted” part is just as important. to successfully change a habit, you need to find creative ways to make the new habit pleasurable in and of itself. the more pleasure you feel when you do it, the more self-reinforcing the habit itself becomes. you might not experience eating healthy foods as intensely pleasurable (at least at first, especially if you are comparing them with the intense brain-hacking pleasure that super sugary foods give us). so don’t try! instead, focus on making the choice a source of pleasure and delight. "look at how clever i was! look at how creative i can be! look at what a good choice i made! look at how good i am at this game of adding in!” that act of stopping, narrating, and letting yourself feel genuinely pleased with what you’ve just done makes the choice to add something in pleasurable, which in turn can help fuel your sense that this isn’t about having iron willpower or about cruelly depriving yourself of delicious things, but is about playing a fun little game with yourself, creating little challenges or puzzles for yourself throughout the day and then giving yourself positive reinforcement when you figure them out.

(3) manage your environment to set yourself up for success. to paraphrase the atomic habits book: the people who seem to have the best willpower are the people who have to exercise it the least. and they have to exercise it the least because they’ve very effectively managed their environment, arranging things so that the desired choices are easy and “frictionless,” while the undesired choices or habits are more inconvenient or introduce more friction (it’s harder to get to them).

the easy starter version of this (from atomic habits): put the things you want to eat in highly visible places and/or in appealing arrangements, and put the things you don't want to eat in places that aren't visible or that are inconvenient to access. ice cream goes in the very back of the fridge, buried behind all the other stuff. nuts go in a bowl on your desk so that you can idly snack on them while you work. apples and bananas go in a big brightly colored bowl right on the counter, so that every time you pass through the kitchen your eyes are drawn to them. chips go in the bottom cupboard, the one below eye level that you don't use very often, and when you get them out you pour some into a bowl and put them right back in there (instead of leaving the bag out on the counter). make the choice you want to make easy, and make the choice you don't want to make harder to get to.

eventually, the most effective way of managing your environment is just to exercise total control over what comes into your own living space. for me, if i don’t want to eat it, i don’t have it in the house. i typically also place a curbside delivery grocery order so that i don’t have to go into the store—anything that comes into my house is something i made a deliberate choice about ordering, not something i wandered by a shelf and added to my cart because i wanted a treat. something i’ve learned about myself over the years that moderation is just not in my vocabulary—i’m an all-or-nothing person, and it’s SO much easier for me to just not have stuff i don’t want to eat in the house. no ice cream in the house. no alcohol in the house. no fried things, no chips, no candy, etc etc. if someone kindly brings me baked goods that i did not ask for, i genuinely appreciate the gesture, but as soon as they leave i give them to my next door neighbor or dump them in the trash. (SORRY TO PEOPLE WHO BAKE FOR ME!) if it's in the house i'll eat it. if it's not, i won't, and i also won't miss it.

i did do this pretty gradually at first, though! when i switched to a primarily whole food plant-based diet, i focused on playing the adding-in game for a couple weeks, and then when i started getting competitive about it i decided to use my grocery order as a way of creatively boosting my fruit/veggie/etc consumption even more, and in the process i started winnowing out things that took away chances to add in a good thing. i would say it took about three or four weeks to get to my personal ideal state of Nope I Don't Have It In The House.

it takes time, but i’d say that within a month of having only things you want to eat in the house, your cravings will be gone, at least within your own managed environment (going to restaurants or traveling DOES require you to exercise willpower, but there are ways to prepare for this in advance). the good news, though, is that 6-8 months or so of eating like this usually brings with it such improved sleep, mood, energy levels, skin, hair, GI function, etc etc that you start to be like oh my GOD why would i want to eat that horrifying thing?? I KNOW HOW BAD IT MAKES ME FEEL!! I WANT TO POWER MY BODY WITH PLANTS!!!!! in other words, the pleasurable side effects of eating well becomes positively reinforcing in its own right, while the negative effects you experience when you reintroduce sugar or fried things tends to reinforce the idea that those foods Feel Bad.

(4) it's not exercise, it's movement. i too used to hate exercise and found it extremely painful and tedious and horrible. so instead of exercising i just started moving. i canceled my membership at the local dog bar, where i had been taking my dog almost every day to let him run off excess energy, and started talking short walks with him twice a day instead. if you don’t have a dog, offer to walk your friends’ dogs—trust me they will lose their MINDS with joy lol. i think that starting to build in regular walks is the best way to get active again, because walking is typically quite pleasant and it becomes positively reinforcing to like, wave at the same neighbors every day, and see the cute kids next door running around, and notice all the ways that the trees and flowers are changing, and so on.

if you do not find being outside inherently pleasurable (sometimes i do not lol esp if i’m grumpy about having to walk the dog), tie another pleasurable activity to your daily walk. i listen to about six hours’ worth of hockey podcasts a week and i am only allowed to listen to them on my walks, so i end up looking forward to the walk because i’m desperate to hear people talk about My Guys. you can also walk with friends, or call a friend while you’re walking, which is even better than podcasts!! social walks are so much fun and go by so much more quickly. i started out just doing daily 15 min walks, and over the past couple years have built up to walking between 60-90 min a day when i’m at home. sometimes i hate/dread my walk; sometimes i love it and look forward to it. but regardless of how i’m feeling, i do it every day and if i miss it once, i don’t miss it a second time. 

as far as activity goes, i think it’s totally ok to just be a person who walks a lot! but i’ve found that becoming someone who walked a lot helped change my own narrative of myself—I started to think of myself as a walker, an active person who moved a lot every day. and that made it easier to pick up other forms of activity too, or at least to adopt a curious, exploratory attitude towards other forms of movement. also once you start tracking your active minutes you tend to get quite competitive about it! or at least i do, lol. i keep a note on my phone where i write down the date + type of activity + total number of minutes I did after every burst of activity, then at the end of the week i add it all up and compare it to the previous weeks. it makes me want to do more, to beat my own numbers—or it makes me want to keep up a streak (like, if i have a five-week period where i’ve consistently hit a certain level of active minutes every week, i don’t want to break it!!).

my biggest suggestion for exercise, though, is to figure out what kinds of things you enjoy and what kinds of things you don’t, and then to spend all your time doing things you like. i HATE structured fitness classes and workout videos. i hate them so much!!!!!!!! but i love being outside, i love doing solo activities (as opposed to group workouts), and i love doing any form of movement that doesn’t feel like a Planned Workout, capital w. also becoming a hockey fan got me really interested in skating, so i picked up rollerblades and found that to be amazingly fun too (something i can do outside AND something that feels like gliding around effortlessly AND something that makes me feel closer to My Favorite Guys!!!!). you may not have passionate feelings about hockey fandom as i do, but i think it’s really just about being creative—finding a creative way to link something you don’t love to something you do love, or find pleasurable, so that you can start forging those positive associations. 

i spent my first couple years of being more active just walking walking walking, and then this past year during the pandemic when i really ramped up my movement i added in longer walks, hikes, and rollerblading, and i also looked for ways to “habit-stack,” ie attaching an activity i don’t much care for (running; exercise biking indoors; doing squats and lunges) to one i do enjoy (i take my tennis shoes when i go skating and then go for a run immediately afterwards, before i have time to talk myself out of it). there are still all kinds of things i don’t do—i really don’t love strength training + bodyweight exercises yet, and i hate stretching even though I Know I Should, and i know that if i want to get stronger and faster, or build up my endurance, i will eventually need to introduce some element of structured training into my daily movement.

BUT the idea of making those changes seems kind of cool to me now, instead of Horrifying and Dread-Inducing! i feel like all the positive associations i’ve forged have made me more curious and open to ideas i would’ve resisted with my whole being not all that long ago. i found a way to make movement pleasurable, and then (thanks to sports fandom + my tendency to go down research rabbitholes) i found a way to get myself intellectually and emotionally engaged in the general concept of being a highly active person. for me, that combination of real pleasure + intellectual/emotional stimulation is what i personally need to build & maintain good habits.

(also, just shoehorning this in at the end because i like it: the “it’s movement, not exercise” mindset shift was also really helpful to me because it stopped me from thinking of exercise as like, this highly structured, regimented, torturous thing you forced yourself through for a set period of time each day, and helped me instead think of movement as something that humans are designed to do & to naturally enjoy. instead of Forcing Myself to Exercise, i looked for more natural-feeling forms of movement that didn’t feel so artificially divided from my “real life.” i think that helped with reframing my self-narrative, too! it made being active feel more integrated into my daily life, which in turn made it easier to think of myself as an active person, someone for whom movement was just a normal part of daily life and not a thing i had to psych myself up to do every day.)

(5) it takes time to build good habits, but not nearly as much time as you might think, and eventually you stop thinking about how long you’ve been doing something and you just start enjoying it (ie it becomes a genuine change in your lifestyle/thinking, not an artificial thing you have to work hard every day to maintain).

i am not yet AN ATHLETE and may never be, but i often remind myself that it took me a little under 30 years to build up a PROFOUND aversion to exercise, so it’s actually kind of miraculous that in just two years i’ve become someone who genuinely, earnestly, enthusiastically enjoys being active and feels antsy/weird/restless when i can’t get out of the house and move. every small stride i’ve made has strengthened my trust in myself and helped me reframe the narrative i tell myself about what kind of person i am and what i do/don’t do. every time i do the thing (whether it’s exercising or making a delicious healthy dinner) & happily notice myself doing it, i reaffirm to myself that i’m the kind of person who takes care of my body and mind by eating well and spending lots of time moving outside. (as a side benefit, when i spend a lot of time happily noticing things and speaking encouragingly to myself, i also reaffirm to myself that i am a happy person who treats myself kindly and who is always eagerly seeking out experiences that feel joyful and life-affirming.)

plus, the more often you do something, the more opportunities you have to have positive experiences while doing it! not every walk is AMAZING, LIFE-CHANGING, DEEPLY FULFILLING, but like, if i am walking seven days a week, that’s seven opportunities for something cool or fun to happen on a walk (not to mention seven opportunities to reap all the physiological & emotional well-being benefits of exercise!!). and if i am really conscious and intentional about noticing and actively delighting in those positive experiences, i help wire in those positive associations more deeply, and my brain/body increasingly comes to associate movement with happiness, joy, and fulfillment. as the habit of being more active becomes fulfilling in and of itself, i don’t have to expend as much energy tricking or cajoling or bribing myself into doing it.

*

i hope this helps!! i am literally always happy to write extremely long essays in respond to simple anon questions, lol, so if you want to talk more about your own ideas for building better habits please do share!! i can also rec you specific books that i’ve found really useful—both for just like, helping me figure out how to make big changes, and also for providing that intellectual stimulation that gets me more engaged in wanting to eat well & be more active.

(also, on the extremely slim chance that you are also a hockey fan: over in my fandom sphere, we are organizing a fun summer thing inspired by one of our fave hockey players, where we’ll be planning lots of fun fannish community things to get ourselves moving this summer. it’s going to be a good time!!)

[alrightsnaps]

i am VERY sorry for the rant and i usually manage to be patient but is anyone else getting so fed up with some saphne stans (on twitter especially) ??? like jesus christ i have seen some of their tweets sayin they were waiting for people to hate on jonny because he hasn’t talked about simone in his latest interview (and because people sent hate to regé for not talking about phoebe apparently at the time so jonny deserves the same treatment in their eyes) and im just like ???? it’s not jonny’s fault regé got hate? even if jonny or simone don’t talk about each other in a single interview, it doesn’t mean it’s something bad? and it’s kinda weird how the same rege stans say jonny is completely privileged when clearly being an openly gay man can be extremely dangerous because 80% of cis white straight people cannot accept diversity. i am just tired of these stans. all they do is being negative towards jonny (as if he could control how people perceive rege or him for that matter) or season 2 or kathony like…just drop it?? kate and anthony have always been popular so sending hate to the actors isn’t going to change things lmao. that said i am just going to block them at this point because istg they’re so tiring. so tiring and sorry for the rant lol.

Whaaaaat, I thought we had put Saphne stans behind us by now... isn't the Bridgerton twitter fandom like 90% polin stans?

This is total fucking bullshit. Regé or Jonathan would deserve to be criticised (emphasis on the word criticised, not being sent hate by trolls on twitter) if they were heavily prioritised in promotion over their co-stars, but as far as I remember both Regé and Phoebe have done individual covers and photoshoots, as well as a shared one for Vogue, so the hate is just absurd. As for Jonathan, the GQ photoshoot has literally been the first piece of promo either of the s02 leads have gotten so far. He definitely deserves it as the male lead, just like Regé before him!

I'd get criticism towards Nicola, who's become the face of the show in spite of being a secondary character and given covers in EW and Elle, but bashing Jonny for finally getting some visibility when he's been practically nonexistent in all the promo material for his and Simone's season?

Don't even get me started on how it's apparently cool to pretend gay men are just as privileged as your next straight dude (I wonder where that energy was when Luke N featured in the EW photoshoot even though he's a total rando at this point, being neither a protagonist or a particularly popular minor character).

If a few weeks pass and we don't see Simone getting a similar treatment and her own cover and photoshoots I'll be the first to call it out, but maybe just give it more than ONE DAY??

[notmanagingmymischief]

ᴇxᴀᴍɪɴᴀᴛɪᴏɴꜱ ᴡɪᴛʜ ʙᴇx | ꜱᴄᴏᴏʙʏ ᴅᴏᴏ ᴛʜᴇ ᴍᴏᴠɪᴇ

THANKS @cordeliaswhore NOW I HAVE TO DO THIS

anyway welcome back to examinations with me enjoy

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today on the list is: scooby doo the movie, came out in 2002 yet gives off the strongest 90s vibes I've ever perceived

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there will be swearing ahead, obviously

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this is the only gif i could find and yknow what i agree completely

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five seconds in and YEP this is definitely from the 90s can't change my mind

OH MY GODS fred checking himself out in the mirror sdvgfkfjha

daphne is hot

velma is hot

why are they so hot

i still don't know how the ghost glowed btw, like...i get the floating bit but what made him glow???????????? explain that one, velma

"the ghost was pawing me for an hour and a half" pfffff-

NO YOU CAN'T QUIT

NO

STOP

I FORGOT THAT THIS BIT MAKES ME CRY

STOP

UGH

shaggy and scooby are clearly smoking o u i d and I love that for them ngl

hydrocloricon???? now I really need to here about that one my g

huh, this is...this is very weird.

watching this at 16 and understanding what they're talking about...the amount of mature jokes they put in this is AMAZING

oh gods daphne and velma are still hot

jInKiEz

YEAH, SAME, KID IN THE ORANGE SHIRT AND BACKPACK GIVING GRANDDOO THE L O O K

i'm whimpering

oooh pretty lady

nailed it shaggster

DON'T EAT THE KITTY GRANDMA BAHAHA

god these songs are still total bops even 20 years later LMAO

e l e c t r i c a l t o r t u r e p a r a d e ? ? what the f u c k ? !

BAHAHA HIM SMACKING A TOURIST CLEARLY ON PURPOSE IS HILARIOUS ADFHJ

"r a w r hehehe UwU" vibes from the park honor

goddamn carol is a badass bitch! (girlboss)

oh you know when you go to an amusement park and they're just casually conducting an an intricate ceremony to summon hades that's my favorite

oh

my

god

this is so...there are so many things to talk about here so many issues

first of all, if an amusement park is encouraging sacred rituals where they summon the walmart version of cerberus, that's a HUGE red flag right there

next, this reminds me of like...what they would do in hawaii, except...so much more cursed

lmao velma's change of expression from 😰 to 😏 is amazing

the guy: "do my friends scare you?? >:)"

velma: "heh. they would except they're not real and here's why LMAO"

but yknow I do love that V is noticing how the back row of kids are all chanting along with the ritual mantra, which is definitely strange

dsgfhkfajl so many things are going on here and idk if i love it or hate it SAHGDH

*pat pat pat pat* wHaT a SmArT lItTlE oNe 😒

i'm in love with the fact that a talking dog just walkin around, answering phone calls and what have you, is just totally accepted. the guy just sets the phone down as if he gets calls for talking dogs every day

"no one's ever given me a stuffed dismembered head before...🥺" i know she's not who we think she is but also that was adorable

SKINNY AEROBICIZED BOOTY WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN

oh scooby....so idiotic yet so beautifully innocent. love you man.

THIS SFX oh my gods the monsters are so horribly made yet so gorgeous how is this movie so perfect in every way

the little sneeze 🥺

i have no words for most of this castle scene so here's me not giving you any words for this castle scene lol

never mind i have words

2,000 year old can of chinese whoop-ass lmao sure babe

VELMA'S GIGGLEEEE 😫🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡

and by scare the *i have no idea what that word is nor how to spell it so um...let's just say shit???* outta daphne you mean you wanted to be alone with her in order to flirt with her after ten years of being apart

i see you velma

and i see those sapphic thoughts behind those glasses

go get your girl bb 😌🧡

LMAO ALL YOU CARE ABOUT ARE SWIMSUIT MODELS

this entire team is gay and you cannot tell me otherwise and while I'm not saying the Fred and Shaggy would be good together.....mystery husbands??

going on double dates with mystery wives daphne and velma????

i think this is a perfect idea tim burton sign me onto your next project

dorky chicks like her do what-

fred I-

stop hiding, you can admit that you're gay. please. stop...doing whatever you just did to velma. please.

same, V. same.

why does...why did they make Daphne moan every time she tried to do something difficult? like she's trying to push the pull doors but in the process she's just like "aeugh 😫"

"oh yeah, oh yeah--OH NO-"

f r e d d y ? o _ o

why is there a movie set in this ride

𝒾𝓃𝓉𝑒𝓇𝒶𝒸𝓉𝒾𝑜𝓃 𝒷𝑒𝓉𝓌𝑒𝑒𝓃 𝓎𝑜𝓊𝓃𝑔 𝓅𝑒𝑜𝓅𝓁𝑒 𝓈𝒽𝑜𝓊𝓁𝒹 𝒷𝑒 𝓅𝑜𝓁𝒾𝓉𝑒 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝒸𝒶𝓈𝓊𝒶𝓁.

followed by

Ｉ ＷＩＬＬ ＣＲＵＳＨ ＹＯＵＲ ＢＯＮＥＳ ＩＮＴＯ ＤＵＳＴ

and then back to

ᴡᴏʀᴅ! ;D

gods why did they put Daph in such a revealing dress-

i jumped in unison with Daphe I wasn't expecting a fucking jumpscare-

girl why did you wait ten seconds to jump out of those walls, like you almost got squished, you should have started running the second they started moving LMAO

burping competition. 𝑒𝓌.

we're here. to solve. a mystery.

yes daphne tell those men who's boss

were....was this group of oompa loompas and their john cena knockoff just.....waiting by the door? to hear the alarm?? like there's no way they ran up that big ass hill in literally five seconds

the plot holes are large but my amusement is larger so i'll let it slide

HOW THE FUCK DID THEY, IN THREE SECONDS, COMPLETELY SILENTLY, SQUEEZE THEIR ASSES INTO THESE PROP THINGS

HUH????????!

oh yeah and they didn't hear that fire explode right behind them plus shaggy saying "like oh no" uh huh sure

he's strong but he's also ✨𝒹𝑒𝒶𝒻✨

absolute BOPS in this move

Y A S

I-

why would you...show that to the guy? like didn't you say that it might be him? PLUS WHY OUT IN THE OPEN

like why you in the fuckin party zone like "HEY MR WHATS-HIS-NAME LOOK WE FOUND BILL CIPHER'S TWIN"

lmao gravity falls references

i miss that show 😔

oh yeah, totally just tell him that he's a suspect. reaaaaal smart Fred

dear gods men are stupid🙄

gay high five

cmon just go for it you know y'all wanna kiss just d o i t

WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS ON THE BAR

VELMA

BABE

YOU'RE SMARTER THAN THIS YOU KNOW BETTER THAN TO EXAMINE ANCIENT TRANSCRIPTS ON THIS PYRAMID WHERE LITERALLY ANYBODY COULD SEE YOU

GURL

the intimidating sit down at the piano just for it to be "didlalalala" LMFAO

big scary man:😤😠

his music taste:🎼🎼

velma....i love you but....why can you understand pandaemonic?? (no, not the pandemic, it's a very old [noexistant] language stfu y'all)

nice sweater

she definitely wasn't expecting alcohol and that OvO look was priceless

"and daphne.....so beautiful..." YES VELMA YOU'RE GAY FOR DAPHNE JUST ADMIT IT

no fred did not know how to accessorize, he wore the same goddamn ascot everyday stop it

YOU DON'T HAVE THE SCROTE FOR THIS JOB BAHAHA THAT WAS DEFINITELY A DICK JOKE I AM SFGJASBD

wheezing currently

is scrappydoo, like...scooby's cousin? brother? estranged, twice removed, very distant aunt???? o_0

velma's giigggleeee 😭😭

clean your beans at don knotts' christmas party....pfff

fred get off the table

OH MY GOD IT'S DONALD TRUMP AAAAA

(it's not actually trump, i'm just using the metaphor because it might as well be LMAO sorry not sorry trump supporters 🤪✌)

BAHAHA

"thank you! ...nice mask! bad breath though."

VELMA IS A BADASS BITCH WHO AINT AFRAID OF NOTHING AND SHE KNOWS IT

the sfx in this movie are....so good for 2002, in all seriousness, the visual affects team definitely needed to get paid big bucks for that shit, but it's still so funny

YOU REMIND ME OF THE MAN

what man???

THE MAN WITH THE POWER

what power??

OH, THE POWER OF VOODOO!

who do??

YOU DO!

OH MY GODS I FORGOT THAT THIS SONG WAS IN THIS MOVIE I LOVED THIS SHIT

SCOOBY GIVING THE MONSTER AN IMPROMPTU MANICURE AND THE THING JUST STOPS AND IS LIKE "HEY GET THE--huh?? oh? you--you're gonna do my nails? aww...please continue *0*"

these things act like annoyed siblings, just smacking each other and grumbling very strange scarily english-like sounds

shaggy I-

I can understand leaving Fred behind he's definitely a douche

but velma??????? bruh what did she do to you besides carry this entire team on her back?????

"help?"

the fucking COASTGUARD are in on this shit too?! WHY??????

this song-

"i look at you and try to do the best i can"???

absolute gold

i did not realize how much subtle swearing there is

those were pull doors. shaggy and scooby leaning on them would open them, not hold them shut. instead of punching through the windows you could have just opened the doors. what the fuck is this movie

those guitars are not connected to anything, therefore when you hit them on things they will not make any noise except the sickening sound of crunching aluminum alloy.

yep the girl is a monster but she's still adorable soooo

a bowl of souls

I've always wanted to dip my hands in that thing just to know how it feels

like...is it just like water? it's definitely cold, no doubt about it. maybe it's thicker, like...thiccit. idk but i wanna touch

oh gods velma's hotter

they put her in a regular shirt

she's hotter now

they cut her hair

oh dear gods Daphne's gonna go insane LMAO

fred...stop being a pervert. no one likes you.

Daph: I can handle this guy U^U

also Daph: *typical teenage greeting*

um yeah, i think them taking over the world is less mean and more psychotic babe

awwww scoobyyyy

my poor baby all locked up and whimperingg

i'm pouting. :((

BAHA

SCOOBERT

WHAT

no one is talking about the fact that shaggy eats dog treats huh

this plan scene is so reminiscent to home alone

i love it

great cover guys, those dancing skills are pro level (????)

BANANA PHANNA PHO PHANNA YES QUEEN SING THE NAME GAME

daphneee stop moaningggg

PUNK VERSION OF "SCOOBY-DOOBY-DOO" SUPREMACY

okay but like the thing with the souls all flying back to their bodies? yes please.

EWEWEWEW

NO

HETERSEXUALITY

NO

DAPHNE STOP

the boy is fogging up her glasses yes but she's using that as an excuse because she doesn't want him to kiss her

bc

daphne

:)

awww i hope shaggy and mary-ann got together after this film that would be adorable

scrappy: "if not for you meddling sons of b--"

Daphne: :O

Fred : o_0

Velma: o _ o

Shaggy: T^T

i will never understand how Velma always wears that thick ass sweater EVERYWHERE, like everyone else is wearing shorts and T's, isn't she, like, really warm??????

and the ending is funky, hell yea

--

Overall, I'd give this a....36 oz. box of scooby snacks/10.

very nice movie when I was a kid, even better movie now that i'm an adult.

would recommend.

link

[rametarin]

It’s not a fun position to be in.

I’d like to clarify, again. I’m not an ethnonationalist, ethnoseparatist, white supremacist, or any of those things. I actually quite dislike them. That’s WHY it makes me mad to see overpolicing of white people or whiteness as inherently oppressive and bad, and anybody else as inherently oppressed and good.

They enshrine and put it into words and ideology that white people and other people exist and should exist on two different levels of society, and their preferred solution is to disestablish one as not existing because races and race-culture doesn’t exist, while empowering everybody else, and pretending that’s not hypocrisy. And since they later updated what they define as racism, technically, it no longer is.

You have to understand. When I was coming up in the late 80s/early 90s, the discourse on race was simple: For anyone to consider themselves by their race first, was to be a racist. The highest tier racists were Nazis, the next step beneath them were KKKlansmen, and then loosely affiliated neo-nazis beneath them, then ‘vaguely white supremacist and hostile towards non-English speakers, brown people and Asians’ people that weren’t loud, screaming hate mongerers came next. But, for a person to think of themselves separate or of themselves or their families as a member of an extant community defined by their race and background, was to be a racist. And that was socially taboo/faux pas.

At least, for white people. Of which in the US, they are/were the majority (even today) and the conversation was deliberately just broadbrush to assume it applied to white people by default.

It did not, however, apply to “oppressed minorities,” conveniently. So, if you were black, or your community/heritage didn’t speak English and wasn’t a “white country” (Latin American, basically) you could be as insular and think about the welfare and integrity of your own little microcosm and diasporic ethnostate that you wanted. One need only look at media and entertainment in the 90s geared towards keeping that spirit of separatism in the American black community to see that double standard. But it was justified and defended by, “We need this, we are under threat of racists, klansmen and hostile Southern confederate-sympathetic gentlemen every day of our lives.

And as vaguely progressive people in the 80s and 90s, yeah, we conceded that roaming bands of horrible southern monster-men were probably a thing black, Hispanic, Indigenous North American and Asian people worried about a lot and had to deal with constantly. Since the news made damned sure to publish every single instance of a hate crime against a minority, and later public school would hold special sessions to talk about such a horrible thing.

Always white-on-somebody-else, always seguing into conversations about how prevalent white supremacists and white supremacism, the actual confederate flag and [your choice of specific and purpose made white supremacist club/militia symbol here] used to be, and in many ways, still was.

At the time, common public discourse was not, “the United States is memetically a white supremacist oppressive shithole based on the very culture and roots, it’s just there are a lot of suppressive, hateful, bigoted people, most of them are in the majority demographic, and most of them are male.” The US was not considered, “white supremacist/racist” by default.

And on paper, taking the moral high ground on racism meant implicitly that you hated racial discrimination, in theory, in all forms. That included favoring people for their real or perceived racial background as well as disfavoring. So preferential treatment to hiring practices were as taboo as preferential treatment for hate crimes.

In practice, many of the same Woke Folks that today said one thing but applied it only to reprimend white people, do so today while saying, proudly, “you can’t discriminate or be racist against white people.” But at the time, they feigned, “just hating racists” to ignore any such racism, bigotry or intolerance from any other group towards whites. They might, however, recognize it if, say, black people did a hate crime towards Asians, but they did so begrudgingly. They HATED having to proactively come out and police that as racism and declare it as such, because they wanted the discourse to evolve into, “it’s ONLY and EXCLUSIVELY racism when it’s white-on-others, because ONLY whites can be racist.” But that wouldn’t be for another 25+ years.

Even that stupid, safe, classic, “haha stupid insecure white man; there’s no such thing as Reverse Racism!” line? That’s a save.

Privilege Theory existed back then, you know. it was published in the late 80s, and the radicals had been using it unofficially for decades before then. But it was a radical school and in deep, and only peeked its head out to try and make cultural headway the way radicals try to make anything radical the mainstream. It just so happened that academia at the time and society at large was not willing to accept that permutation to the racism discourse or dialog. “All white people are racist and racism is an intrinsic quality of white people, nobody else can be” was tested, like a spank on the ass.

And it almost blew the illusion. So, they ran damage control and hid for a while, putting out feelers only for those so deep down the rabbithole or so gullible they’d accept that. And they gaslight anybody that experienced dealing with a radical asshole that said shit like that by saying, “oh that’s just Patty. She’s a meaningless extremist and has no power.” Or, “Haha are you really going to take that anecdote as signs progressive people are all like that bro? omg come on. XD.” Or, “You must have misunderstood her. I know how progressivism and anti-racism can seem when you’ve been raised your whole life by society and the media to think white people are by default superior, so any taste of equality feels like you’re being singled out and discriminated against. :^)”

But the fact is, “haha there’s no such thing as ‘reverse racism’“ had two endings. If you mentioned you experienced someone saying, ‘only whites could be racist and nobody else can be,’ you’d hear either:

1.) “lol no. They were just confused. Racism is the discrimination of anybody on the basis of race! So calm down, the established definition applies to all. :^)”

2.) “there’s no such thing as reverse racism, because racism is the phenomenon of the white supremacist power structure lording and oppressing People of Color. You cannot be racist to white people if you are black, Indigenous or Hispanic, because you have no privilege and no centuries worth of oppression. Cry more.”

Way back in the day we’d SEE these glaring contradictions. And in truth? Most of us hated racism, so we stomached the glaring, disjointed bullshit. But, we ALSO grabbed up that anti-racism stick and BEAT the privilege theorist types subversivelyu hijacking the culture over the head with that anti-racism, too. You wanna claim you hate something because it’s, “racist,” AKA, involves race in the cricteria of something at all? FINE. You’re also going to hate affirmative action and when people come down on the side of not-white people specifically because they’re not-white. You will ELIMINATE race from consideration in any aspect of secular modern civic society and private enterprise and protect everybody equally on the basis of being a person. And any instance that is not the case we’ll come down on you with all the heavy handed spite we see and experience of you fuckers coming down on us, showing us off on soap boxes and sacrificing us on the altars of public socialization to shame and belittle us for the bigotry of generations passed.

You want to hit me with that stigma and smear me as some sort of white supremacist because I object to a thing, dismissing my objection and chalking it up to white supremacism? Then by god I’m going to point out the hypocrisy in the supposed “progressive far left” and their tolerance of anti-semites like Farrakhan, their tolerance towards the polygamy, misogyny and religious fundamentalist patriarchy in Islam, and how non-white communities act and think the same way to protect their own respective ‘brands,’ and the only people you seem to go after for these crimes are the white ones.

Which was fair. After all, we all just, “hate racism :^)”, right? So if you’re going to be an aggrandizing asshole and make a big to-do about castigating a lowbrow joke as a “teachable moment” that involves making every progressive woman hypersensitive and reject men based on how taboo something is to say, then that lack of forgiveness and hypersensitivity and the results of that intolerance will also apply to YOU, god damnit.

But the supposed “progressive” people would not stop. Anti-”racism” was their new toy, aka, their stick to choose their targets and seem absolutely morally right for doing it, and they were going to play that social tool down to the hilt. They did not like being beaten at their own game by being flagged and forced to acknowledge glaring instances of hate crimes in the news when groups of roaming black men found and randomly beat up gentile whites and Jews. They did not like being forced to acknowledge those. So they’d object and scowl at the people bringing them up, like, “Why are we discussing the hate crimes of black men specifically?! You have a problem with black men!?”

Because remember, they were playing the defacto ‘whites are considered default Americans’ to the hilt when it suited them, and using it against people in the discourse suited them. You could talk about generic hate crimes that appear on the newspaper, because those were just regular hate crimes. Their mentality was, if you brought up hate crimes of Asians or black people, then clearly you were just a white man motivated by spite and insecurity to even be tabulating those in the first place, and that meant your opinion and point should be disregarded. You horrible anti-black/Asian racist.

So, please bear in mind, my case is not that white people are in any way better than anybody else. I don’t think that. But by god, in an era when the supposedly progressive, far-leftist, “woke” people are running around saying Europe and North America and Australia are by default white supremacist “cultures” that need “dismantling and replacement,” and simultaneously declaring, “white people do not exist,” and “there are no ‘white countries,’ just cultures and nations without race’ while ABSOLUTELY enshrining that EVERY country in Africa, even ones that are majority Semitic or Arab, are in fact, “black countries.” Or Asian countries being Asian. Or North America as still belonging to the native inhabitants and unjustly stolen land.

I absolutely abhor the doubletalk, I absolutely abhor the mentality that ONLY white people doing things is a problem. I hate that something ISN’T a problem when another group does it, but it’s JUST an issue when white people do it.

I want consistency. If people are going to enshrine and respect the existence, difference and integrity of a black culture in the USA, that is, a culture that exists purely because the people in it have black African features and characteristics and aren’t too “light skinned” to be part of it, and in an era supposedly trying to “get over” race and racial identity, tolerate that from everybody BUT white people, tolerate the idea of a, “chocolate New Orleans” but openly say New Hampshire or Maine being so majority white is an actual problem, then yeah, I’m going to expect one of two things:

1.) The woke/progressives actively discourage black Americans from considering themselves a separate or distinct culture from mainstream America. They stop secluding and culturally isolating themselves in their own hearts and minds and just be fellow countrymen.

OR

2.) They acknowledge, enshrine and respect the fact whites do have their own specifically white cultures of which other races cannot be part of, they’re a distinct people that have their own communities and need their own communities to remain white.

They will do neither and would prefer if white people just disappear. The same sort of disappearance that they see as so disgusting and horrible if it were to happen to literally any other group of people on planet Earth.

When a Chinese immigrant arrives to the US, takes a wife (we’ll just assume white in this instance) and miscegenates, people later chalk this up to, “being colonized in a white supremacist pressure cooker culture.” And mourn how his kids and grandkids, “wash away his culture and background with every generation.” Instead of growing the Chiense-American community. They talk about him like he was enslaved and colonized and his culture eliminated from the American fabric by some schmoozing, destructive white plague cutting it down.

They talk about white Americans like we’re just originless, rootless vermin, and no such distinctness or integrity is to be respected. If we treated other groups in the US the way we treat white people that talk about their background, distinct cultures and etc., we’d be denying them any identity but mainstream American identity. If we treated black Americans that way, we’d be calling them black supremacists every time they wanted to have any sort of civic or educational or societal or community meeting to talk about blackness and the struggles of being black.

It’s just.... absolutely disgusting and frustrating, dealing with the hypocrites, the double standards, and the people maliciously using social justice values to sell policies and top-down application of cultural values the way used car salesmen try and sell people lemons. I dislike them.

I dislike that if a white person talked about their background or group the way a black person in the US does, they’d be called out for their insularity and eurocentrism in a heartbeat, shut down, deplatformed, become an effigy of conversation about, “the growing tide of white supremacism in America.” When all they’d do is take someone like DL Hugely or Cedric the Entertainer or Bernie Mac, and make it, ‘white ethnic’.

Imagine having your racism and in-groupcentrism excused because, “THAT’S PART OF YOUR CULTURE,” and immune to criticism or critical thought. But then, that’s exactly the mentality foisted on us by dialectic materialists and Marxists.

My preferred solution to all of this isn’t to respect white community or white sovereignty or white identitarianism. My preferred solution is the complete dissolution of race as a culture or background in the New World whatsoever. The Old World, you have indigenous cultures and communities across Europe, Africa and Asia that should NOT be expected to “mix” themselves up and out to where the indigenous featues and characteristics are marginalized or ‘bred out.’ That’s where they MAKE those people. But the New World is 100% different. Space should be 100% different.

But I’m also not going to accept, “well only half of us should kill ourselves.off :^)” either. While other communities across the Western World insist on having their communities and insular, demographically concentrated, demographic-culturally-conscious people respected and accommodated, I’m going to expect parity. And not an equality that uses privilege theory ow considers population size being disproportionate as, “they need it more than you.” No. You want to respect peoples, “cultures,” and consider black a culture in the US, then by GOD you will also respect and acknowledge those of European extraction as their own culture in the US. It’s all or nothing, you don’t get to single out one group as not existing or irrelevant and say, “race doesn’t exist” one minute, and then go on about how blackess, cultural and genetic, are “very real things that affect people very much and very really.”

These people would throw public money and social services at immigrant communities, hoping they demographically grow, maintain integrity and spread their numbers- preferably to red states, where they can start turning them purple, or blue. But they’d balk and consider it racist colonization if a white community moved to Niger or Chad and did the same for their own community interests. They’d call that racial supremacism and soft apartheid.

And I absolutely hate all of this.

[smile-files]

heya folks

gonna write a long post about the nicest person i know who i’ll probably never see again :’[

it’s an interesting story, but i wouldn’t blame you for not wanting to take the time to read it. do what you’d like!

it was after 7th grade just ended; i wasn’t in the best place emotionally, things kinda sucked. i was excited for camp, however, something i always looked forward to. i got placed in a bunk and stuff, of which there were 4; i was happy with the counselors, too (their names were ariel and jared). i was kinda bummed that one of my favorite counselors, named eli, wasn’t working there as a counselor anymore - he still worked at the camp, but whatever position he had i didn’t see him around as much. 

at camp i would carry around a drawing notebook and a fanny pack, in which i had pens, pencils, the like. i soon noticed that another counselor, named shai, had a fanny pack; no, we didn’t ‘bond’ over it or whatever, but that’s one thing that made him grab my attention. 

my camp is a ramah camp, which is a jewish camp; one of the activities that we’d have were a kind of elective we’d sign up for, called ‘shiur’ (literally means work), which integrated jewish learning with some activity - sometimes it’d be calligraphy, or pokemon, or super heroes. during first session i chose the pokemon shiur. normally, during the shiur period, counselors would go off and have a meeting. but, for some reason, shai would always hang out near where we’d have our pokemon shiur. i knew, of course, that this was because of julian.

i don’t know a specific reason why, but camp ramah tends to have a good number of autistic kids going there; some of them have a specific ‘caretaker’ of sorts who are with them to make sure they’re okay. my sister had one, my friend abby, and julian - shai tended to be with him and made sure he was okay. (something i find fascinating about julian was how he loved drawing road maps and signage)

it just so happened that julian picked the same shiur as me both sessions -pokemon in first and super heroes in second - so shai tended to be around. in this way i got to get to know him.

he noted my art on several occasions - he said that i’d be good at doing henna considering how frequently i’d draw on the back of my hand; when making the banners for color war, he said he’d abduct me so i could do the banner for his team (no abducting ever occurred, lol)

shai is a very funny person - i don’t know his mbti type, but i’m dead set on him being an nf. he was nice to be around, and i keep describing him as ‘supportive’; no wonder why, considering the circumstances of most of second session.

near the end of each session, we would have an overnight trip we’d go on (for two nights, three days). on the first trip, shai unfortunately wasn’t able to come for whatever reason. it was still a fun trip, but i still missed him.

come second session, however, and things would be different - shai was able to come with us on our trip to baltimore! i ended up sitting in the back of the coach bus, and shai was sitting across from me. something i noted is that he’s one to ask ‘you okay?’ a lot. and i mean a lot. 

on the first day of the trip, we went to the national aquarium, got caught in a downpour, and watched an orioles vs yankees baseball game in the rain. we arrived at the synagogue we were staying in and went to bed; i got my typical 7 hours of sleep.

the next day we went to six flags! i chose the slow group because i’m a wimp. i had been wearing my galaxy hoodie at the time; when we stopped to have lunch, shai seemed concerned about me. woop

we went back into six flags after lunch; at one point we went on some raft ride type thing, and we were sitting on a bench in the sun to dry off (we’d gotten drenched). i was still wearing my hoodie (which, i may note, is rather thick). eventually shai’s group came around and they sat next to us on the bench. 

shai checked the temperature on his phone, which was 90 degrees farenheit, so he said that i should probably take off my hoodie; i was only convinced after the “do it for me” thing that people do that just sells it. note: after his group left i put the hoodie back on lmao, now that’s a story i tell a lot (along with the story of eli having gone illegally ziplining with jesus)

that night, for whatever reason, i slept terribly. i fell asleep at 10:40 and woke up 48 minutes later, at 11:28. i was left sitting in the dark, super bored; i watched counselors walk in and out of the room, i counted to 1000, i went to the bathroom to sing to myself, i looked out the window. either way i had to wait 8 hours for everyone else to get up.

by this time this was the last day on the trip, and we were going to go to an elderly home. we packed up our stuff, something i did quickly. i then kind of wandered aimlessly around the room, waiting for everyone else to finish. this prompted another ‘you okay?’ from the shaister. 

i managed to nap on the bus, but only for half an hour. we eventually got to the place; we were going to talk to them, give them ceramic gifts that people had apparently made, and that one kid who can play any song on the piano by ear just went off. 

you may know that i’m a rather shy person; this, for whatever reason, felt like any party i’d ever been to - isolated and very anxious. there were a number of girls who said they were scared, but they weren’t shy - they were just scared of old people or something. shai convinced them that old people are not scary, then came to console me; he noted that people used the pun of “shy” and “shai” sounding similar on him a lot, but now he could actually use that himself. he didn’t pressure me to do anything i didn’t want to, and even suggested going outside if i really felt uncomfortable. i probably should’ve gone outside, but i didn’t. eventually we all went outside anyway to have rita’s ices, but i didn’t want any. 

i’m pretty sure that’s all the trip stuff, but there’s more afterward. there are some stupid inconsequential things that i just find kind of amusing, to say the least. for one thing, there were these tacky plastic champagne glasses that the counselors had for whatever reason; there was this show going on, and everyone was bored out of their minds. shai just gave me one of these stupid glasses with no context, for the lulz or whatever. my response was to draw a smiley face on it with sharpie and give it back. he found this rather amusing.

one day i brought this shark plushie to camp, whom i called ‘smore’ because he looked like a marshmallow. shai insisted it was a piranha just to annoy the heck out of us, an argument that lasted two days.

another thing, one of the counselors was going to be leaving for israel before camp ended, so we had this whole thing where basically you could give a shoutout to anybody and thank them; i decided to thank the counselors in general, as most teenagers wouldn’t tolerate leading around a bunch of loud middle schoolers; shai knew i was a rather shy person, so he said that it was a very good thing of mine to do. 

my age group was actually an amalgamation of several age groups - rising 6th graders, rising 7th graders, and rising 8th graders. being in the latter group, i was going to take part in some stupid graduation. and, you see, we all had to write speeches for it.

i wrote a speech, whatever, which mostly consisted of thanking counselors (in general i get along better with figures of authority, eg. counselors or teachers or whatever rather than fellow kids). i was very worried about the whole ordeal, but i did it; afterwards shai said he was proud of me for giving my speech despite how anxious i was about it.

and note how i never outright told the guy how anxious i was about any of these things - he’s just the type of person who knows; i always value people like that, given how i never tell anyone anything :’]

when it came to the last day of camp, i wanted to make sure shai knew how thankful i was for everything he did for me. i didn’t know a single other person who was half as validating and supportive of me as he was. but, being me, i couldn’t just tell him. no, i had to make a hand out of pipe cleaners, write a card, fold it up and make it look like an ice cream cone, put the folded card into the hand, and then awkwardly give it to him.

he initially said he’d read it later; but soon enough he read it and then i got a shai hug. yea!

welp everything after camp sucked! before school started i was so worried how i’d cope with my dumb issues without shai being there; i came to miss him a ton. like really, a ton.

before that summer, i had camp dreams like, heck, maybe once or twice a year?

but since that summer of 2019, i’ve had ~15+ camp dreams. i really missed him. i longed for the support he’d give me when i was anxious, for the knowledge that somebody understood me. i eventually started having headaches a lot, so i came to ‘think’, “oh! he’s trying to telepathically talk to me!”

i never did believe that to be the case, but imagining that i could talk to shai was comforting. every day i’d talk into my hand, telling him how my day went, asking him about his, and sometimes singing him a song or something. this came to be a normal thing i did routinely. i would get worried when i didn’t get headaches for a while, as i perceived those as him ‘responding’, so i would think i did something wrong.

i would frequently worry about if i’d ever see him again - i had no way of knowing if he’d be a counselor at camp this year. then covid-19 came and i knew he couldn’t. at some points it really bothered me how much my mental health revolved around this person who i knew for around 2 months and who i’ll probably never see again.

as of now, i still do miss him. i still had camp dreams. i literally had one last night, where i saw shai and was trying to call out to him, but he didn’t hear me. i still do ‘talk’ to him, but it’s not like i think i’m actually speaking to him. but heck, if it’s comforting to me, there’s no reason not to. 

but really, shai seems more like a figment of my imagination now. it’s been a year since i’ve last seen him. was he ever real? 

i would draw him sometimes, imagine what it’d be like to talk to him again. how i wish i could talk to him again. 

there are so many silly little things i remember about shai - his poofy hair, his aviator sunglasses, how his fanny pack had writing on it in red sharpie and had multiple sunscreens in it, how he almost got hit by a cookie... 

shai is the nicest person i’ve ever known, and it’s a shame that i’ll probably never see him again. he’s the kind of person i want to be - i want to be able to understand people and cheer them up when they’re upset. i want to have poofy hair and call people ‘bud’ unironically...

oh to be you, shai...

(oh wait, i know he exists because apparently you can find his channel on youtube and his pfp is his face... the only thing on it is one comment saying “thanks for subscribing” lmao :’])

if any of you know who i’m talking about, or think you do, please tell me!! :’0

thanks broskis *sob*

[regesc]

@saigeonmain​   :    I'M GOING TO ASK A QUESTION SPECIFIC FOR YOUR BABE THAT ISN'T ON HERE; what is sex like for Noct as a trans person?

CLAPS HANDS okay cool!! lets do this!! under the cut for nsfw / detail / length.

honestly? i’ll start by saying: noct’s body dysphoria is pretty minimal. AGAIN i’ve stated before but 90% of his dysphoria is social / related to how people perceive him, and generally by the time you’re in a sexual relationship with someone they pretty much know you’re a guy so he rarely feels dysphoric in relationships especially if he’s with someone who is super SUPER understanding about gender / is even trans themselves. remmeber kids!! trans ppl can love their bodies!! gender euphoria exists!

so when it comes to sex! i would said it’s honestly pretty normal. like as you’d expect. though there r some things a little particular about them:

> noct prefers to stay clothed waist up. again his breasts r like. the one part of himself he gets antsy about, so his preferred mode of dress for sex is baggy tshirt! on the worst days he’ll probably try to get away wearing a binder (dont do this dont work out in binders please dont dont be like noct) or some kinda sports bra. i would say that his chest is a no - go when having sex UNLESS he gives express permission / touches there himself!

> he heavily prefers vaginal sex when his partner has a penis / uses toys lol, i dont think he has the brain capacity to ever even attempt anal he can barely function as a human being as it is LMAO. he simply enjoys his vagina! he does! he thinks its neat. as with most things though it does take some manner of trust to get him comfortable with his partner touching him: he’s quicker to trust if u also have a vagina / know what to do w/ him, that sorta solidarity makes it easier for him to Show himself fully bcus hes like ‘well you’ve seen it before ig’ but ultimately with time he’ll go from just letting u do the bare minimum to like, ‘please eat me out im begging im begging im beg’ 

> he usually prefers to be on the bottom but his mood can shift drastically with his comfort level: one minute he’s laying there pillow prince-ing it up and the next u have a very ego-fuelled power bottom on your hands! i wouldnt say he’s passive or what but he just kinda !!! enjoys being taken care of, but there are moments where his own quietness makes him sorta. hmm. dysphoric? hes like. wait im man. & he will attempt to take control for a brief moment. you kinda just. have to let it happen. 

> sex w/ men vs. women is different to him bcus his attraction to men vs. women is different: with men he gets cocky, kinda Loud, kinda ‘i could take u >:)’ but his attraction to women is so .. soft & understanding? w/ a lady partner cis or trans or nb or whatever he would rlly just spend hours taking care of them if they asked him to!! like do u want the prince of lucis on his knees bcus thats how u get him on his knees!! vs. being w/ a guy. he would absolutely turn the entire thing into a fight. lmao. like a show off of how masculine he is.

 i feel like!! how ur attraction to different genders can vary when ur bi comes under the trans umbrella bcus his relationship w/ his own gender affects it / his dysphoria affects it. he would. absolutely. smooch a lady. for a tleast an hour. AT LEAST. & he is a touch more dominant in that regard-- though still a dumb 0 braincell bottom! lol

> he’s learnt to be vocal about his wants/needs so hes not quiet! he’ll tell you if something makes him uncomfortable. though he has this bad habit of his first reaction to being embarrassed being ‘FUCK OFF STOP IT’ which w/ the msot understanding partners usually leads to a game of stop and go that gets frustrating LOL. but he just ! knows what he wants, what makes him comfortable, even if it embarrasses him he’s going to ask for it. so if ur doin it wrong ur gonna know.

> the one thing that does give him anxiety is when the topic of birth control comes up. he isn’t using it nor is he on T so he’s like. neurotic about condom usage when it comes to Puttin Stuff In if ya catch my drift. he’s not emotionally stable enough to give lucis an heir.

> also to note w/ a partner: he is needy & horny & u wont get away from him. that isnt related to being trans thats just noctis. 

anyway thanks for reading !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! trans rights. 

[sheusedtobesassier]

Day 10,402

Approximately two months ago I sent you a calm and collected message in which I asked seven questions about our break up. I made sure to say, “Write back whenever you feel the urge and if you never experience that urge then wow please don’t reply that’s fine. I know I need to ask, but it’s okay if you do not need to answer.” I really meant that.

You wrote me back six days later, but without answers. A polite message letting me know you were going to respond eventually. That was 2 months, 2 days, 22 hours, and some odd minutes ago. In my heart of hearts, I don’t believe you will ever send me your answers. The process would take some degree of emotional effort and truthfully I think it doesn’t matter enough to you. And that’s really really really really okay. It has to be.

I am going to answer the questions tonight. Not for you to read, but for me to write. I’ve got a glass of decent Pinot Grigio. I just heard some thunder rumbling. I think I read somewhere that there’s a full moon up there tonight. So. That all lines up for expression.

(I’m not going to include the actual questions in this post because goddamn I love to come off as elusive. I have them and you have them. Anybody else’s guess is good enough.)

1. Limit of four because limits help. You were my buddy so instead of being usually on my own I got to be usually with you. You knew how to be a steady force when I needed space to not be one. You usually felt/saw/reacted/thought differently than everybody else in the room, including me. You deliberately accessed me in ways I’d begun to believe nobody could or would ever want to.

2. Limit of four because limits help. It was extremely hard to be next to you when you were making it obvious you wanted so badly to be elsewhere. I didn’t ever laugh as hard as you like to laugh and it didn’t matter to you what I thought about music. It felt like it was always going to suck that I was a white girl. I think the shine wore off, like I think you’d lost a lot of respect for me by the end.

3. I mean. I think a few months into being officially together we were having a difficult conversation about how you were 90% sure you were going to leave camp soon. It came up that we didn’t really believe in the concept of long distance relationships. That neither of us were that kind of person. How ultimately that would be just a slower more painful break up. And like. Idk. Tbh this question is hard for me to answer and I really wish you would. That’d help me out a ton. When people ask me why we broke up I make vague jokes around it and I’m pretty sure I sound stupid as fuck.

4. Okay. Work hit a rough season financially and it put you it a bad spot. We went on a cold air walk one afternoon and you told me you were going to talk seriously to an Illinois buddy about possibly moving in with him. After that we went to the Moyers for dinner and you pulled Bill aside to speak privately. As I was falling asleep that night I asked what you’d talked about and you said, “I told him I am leaving.” I was caught totally off guard because you had not said those words to me yet. The conversation didn’t go further. I attempted to hide that I was crying and you said goodnight and left. Then for about three days you cut yourself off from the world completely. Hid out. Others started asking me what the heck was going on and I didn’t have an answer. I was subtle crying almost constantly lol, so I finally txted you and asked if we needed to talk. We acknowledged that the conversation we were about to have would require bravery. I asked my boss for some time off work and got it. Um. This is when it all gets pretty confusing for me. Looking back now I think at this point you already knew we were going to break up and were even possibly trying to do it haha, but uh. I didn’t realize your mind was made up. Which. To be fair to me, you did not communicate with me how far gone you were. So. I assumed we were still in the midst of a difficult decision making process. Perhaps I should have asked more questions than I did. But. Um. We spent like the next four days together and they were borderline perfect? Which. Lol whatever I don’t want to write about them. I want you to tell me what the fuck was going on there because I think the way you were looking at our last week together was 1000% different from whatever the hell I was perceiving. I was in a honey colored daze. I’m sorry if that time was low key tortuous for you. I truly did not understand what was happening. Um. We took each others clothes off on a Friday evening and afterwards I was laughing and realized you weren’t laughing. You were blank. Staring hard at nothing. I softly asked what was wrong and you said you had to call your friend and give him a final answer. And um. And I had to say the words, “And? You’re upset? Because? You’re going to tell him yes?” Um. All this is a blur. I don’t remember saying much else. I got dressed and began putting on make up, getting ready to go watch a children's musical with friends. You stood at the door watching me a while then left. Um I cried uncontrollably on the drive into town, through the whole damn elementary school production of Annie, and the ride back. When I got home I sent you a txt saying, “If you need things before you go or have things you need to express then please let me know and we can do that.” along with some other sad content. I didn’t hear back so then at midnight I txted you a comforting I love you message and you sent a comforting I love you message back. I fell asleep worrying about you. Mm. And then. Whatever I’m not going to write in detail about it, but you very abruptly left first thing the next morning and from that point on (THOUGH WE’VE NEVER HAD THE FUCKING CONVERSATION) we have been not together. Next question.

5. Okay. I got way too specific on that last one and would like to not make a pattern of that. Sorry. So. For this one. For me. Afterwards I went dark. I went through very ugly withdrawal. I guess I can’t really write about then. Um. I waited for weeks to hear from you and heard nothing. I read everything about our star signs and I listened to the break up playlist I’d been fucked up prepping throughout basically our entire relationship. I watched ALL the Marvel movies and I drank a lot a lot so much I just wanted to drink. I couldn’t fucking sleep ever and when I did I had cruel dreams about you. When we finally did start writing to each other I got really really really really emotionally messy. Paragraphs and then more paragraphs. DRAMATIC TAKE AFTER DRAMATIC TAKE. I didn’t call you and you didn’t call me. But I bothered you and I bothered you and I bothered you. You hardly ever seemed interested in talking to me. You’d give a little and I’d gross myself out at how desperate I was for more. You were polite and you didn’t want to talk to me. Yeah okay that’s the simplest way to describe what afterwards was like for me. I was in love with someone who didn’t want to talk to me.

6. Um. Okay. Honestly. Right now when I think of you there are a few common reactions. I think of the dialogue from Liz Gilbert’s Eat, Pray, Love often. “But I love him.” “So love him.” “But I miss him.” “So miss him. Send him some love and light every time you think about him then drop it.” Usually when you come to mind it’s because of one of hundreds of things that connect to stories I like about us. I’m consistently telling me, “Shut up. Nobody knows how to react when you talk reverently about your ex.” Idk. I use a lot of my 11:11 wishes on your behalf. Like unselfishly. I don’t make them about us getting back together or anything like that. No, just for your happiness/wholeness. I wish for good for you. But maybe now that I’ve typed that here none of them will come true. Sorry.

7. I am not.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #228

“blood on her skin, dripping with sin, do it again, living dead girl.”

How many sugars do you like in your tea? Man, I find A LOT of tea or coffee questions in surveys. Anyone who reads these knows by now I hate tea. Ever heard of a band called The Dresden Dolls? I fucking love "The Gardner," but it's the only song I know. What was the last movie you saw that made you laugh out loud? Idk, I watch movies so rarely. Who’s your favorite superhero? Deadpool, if you count him (technically an anti-hero, I kno). Otherwise, I don't really know. Possibly Spider-Man. What does your regular attire consist of? Pajama pants and tank tops lmaoooo. Popsicles or Ice cream? Ice cream. Are you good at solving math problems in your head? It's almost impossible for me to. Even simple addition. What kind of M&Ms do you like best? Normal chocolate ones. What is the last thing you tried on in a store? Uhhhh I think formal shirts when I was actually working on getting a job... Are you comfortable enough around your friends to change in front of them? No. Does your best friend wear makeup? No. Have you ever dated someone in secret? No. How do you get splinters out? Tweezers. Do you ever send people good morning texts? Sara sometimes. Is there someone who makes you blush when you just say hi to them? No. Do you kiss your pets? Of course. Why did you go to church the last time you went? My then-friend was having a serious "reborn" and devout Christian phase. Who’s the richest person you know? I don't know. How old is the oldest person you know? I also don't know. 90-something. Who's the last person who asked your name? My math professor needed a refresher when handing out test results. Have you ever been so drunk you couldn’t even talk right? No. Do you know anyone with a million middle names? I know someone with three or four. Do online dating sites ever work? For some people. When you were a teenager, did your parents set rules about dating? No. Have you ever lived with a person who you tried to avoid at all costs? No. Have you ever committed a crime that directly harmed another person? No. Did you grow up in an urban, suburban, or rural area? I guess suburban/rural mix? Which disease do you personally think is the most horrible? Alzheimer's. What is your worst childhood memory? I mean it depends on what stage of childhood, but I'm going to assume you mean like, pre-pre-teen years. In that case, just my parents fighting. Do you remember where you first drove to after getting your license? N/A What did you get into trouble for the most when you were a kid? Fighting with my little sister, probably. What is your biological sex? Female. What is the oldest gaming console you own? A GameBoy Advance. Of all the houses you’ve lived in, which has been your favorite? If you excuse the bad memories, my previous one. Do you get sunburnt easily? Oh yeah. What’s the color of your front door? White. Your favorite ice cream flavor: It alternates between just plain chocolate and vanilla. How many people have you been really in love with? Twice. Your favorite song at the moment: "Necessary Evil" by Motionless In White feat. Jonathan Davis. What’s most important for you? My well-being. Do you snore? No. What are you looking forward to right now? Mark's next big project comes out October 30th and I can't physically wait, but after that, all I care about is December getting here so I can go up to Sara's. What’s the earliest you’ve ever had to wake up for work? N/A Do you use reusable shopping bags to reduce waste? No, but I wish... I don't do the shopping in my house, so it's not really my decision. How many times have you moved? Three times *really*, but you could kinda say four when Jason, me, and our two friends/another couple moved into an apartment together; my name was in no way involved as being an official resident, but it eventually came to a point where I was there every day and night for quite a while. Do you know anyone who has changed their first name? Yes. Do you know anyone who has been on life support, and survived? No. Do your parents have a strong relationship together? HA HA fuck no. They've been divorced since I was like 16. Have you ever read any of Charles Darwin’s works? No. Do you think there are more dimensions than what we’re able to perceive? I lean towards no, but it's possible, sure. Does anyone in your family have schizophrenia? Yes. Do any of your neighbors have loud children? No. Who would you say is your hero? Mark, my mom, Sara. You can only shop at one store for the rest of your life where would it be? If you're talking about in order to buy everything, from food to clothes, I'd have to say Walmart. Do you text type or do you type out all your words? Mostly the latter, but I'll use "lol," "otw," stuff like that sometimes. Have you ever given money to a homeless person? No. I'mma be real honest, I don't think I ever would. I just DO NOT trust people. It's fact that the money is usually used for alcohol and drugs, and I've seen news of more than enough posing assholes. Who are you living with? My mom and pets. What are your opinions on colored contacts? Cool as fuck, wish I could wear them. Are you comfortable with your body? Fuck no. What is one thing in your life that is no longer there, that you miss? A social life. What do you believe is the best thing about being a kid? No responsibilities. Life is just simpler. Last time you had a s'more? Shortly after Sara left when she visited. We had leftover stuff so Mom and I made a few. Do you like peppermint candy? Yeah. Do you like spearmint or peppermint gum better? Peppermint, I think. Do you prefer fruity flavors over minty ones? Yes. Do you have a little Pink brand dog from Victoria’s Secret? No. What is the last thing you blew? Idr, I'm sure some kind of food. What’s the last gift you received? Sara got me a mug with a super relevant Markiplier quote sobs- What did your parents do today? I don't live with my dad so idk, but I know my mom's at work. What is the symbol for your type of computer? It's just the brand name. Do the clothes you’re wearing have any type of symbol on them now? Skulls. Do you like peas? NO. Where is your favorite place to be massaged? I wouldn't know, but probably my shoulders? Do you like composition books, or spiral notebooks? Spiral notebooks. The person you like, what color eyes do they have? Brown. So what is your favorite physical feature about that person? She has a freckle on her hip that is so fucking cute. What kind of four wheeler do you have? I don't have and never have had one. Do you live where there are a lot of cows? Sure, I guess. What is your favorite animal with spots? Probably snow leopards. Give me your opinion on sports. I don't have a problem with them (save for like, boxing and ones that can seriously harm people), but I'm not into them. Why do you play the sports you do? N/A Do you actually care about your school work and what grades you make? Yes I care. Do you have a typical family, or a weird one? Honestly a pretty broken one. Do you have a favorite letter? Probably "z," particularly in cursive. From the room you're in can you hear a door shut when someone arrives there? Sometimes. What states have you been to in the past year? Just NC and Illinois. Well, I obviously flew over other states, but I've only stayed in those two. Have you ever sleepwalked? I have not. Do you want children? Why/why not? "Hell no. I don’t like kids and I don’t want the rest of my life to be centred around one." <<< That's a great description for myself as well. I know I would be a fucking awful mother, too. Not as in I'd be mean to my child, absolutely not, it's just I barely manage to take care of myself a lot of the time. I'm not emotionally fit for that job and the stress it entails, at all. And yeah, being willing to make someone else my world is something I'm never doing again. I want my attention to stay on myself, my spouse, and pets. Do you have any credit card debt? Hi, I'm 23 and don't own and never have owned a credit card. Who do you go to for relationship advice? Honestly, I don't. I look within myself for those answers, really. I think I'm pretty intelligent and aware of how to maintain a healthy relationship. There's been times I've talked to my mother about things, but yeah, she's not the greatest to talk about all that with. What was your favorite way to spend a summer day as a kid? Swimming. Have you ever been scammed? Not successfully. I think. Did you ever take a personal finance class in school? None were offered at my high school. I don't know if they are now at my college, though, but I don't think so. They need to be, and mandatory. I don't have the slightest goddamn clue how to handle money. How’s your mental health? Are you feeling well? I'm going through a rough patch right now. School is stressing me. Not having a job and struggling with money to the extreme is about to make my hair fall out. Do you struggle with acne? Not anymore. Did you have a Xanga page back in the pre-Myspace days? I've never had a Xanga. Around what year did you start using the internet, anyways? I was like, 9-10? Maybe even earlier with Webkinz and Neopets, idr. I know I started RP in 2005, and that's when I was very actively online. Do you have any uncommon interests or hobbies? A few. Forum RP is definitely the "weirdest," hence why I hide it publicly. Then there's photographing roadkill. The LOOKS Mom tells me I get when I'm on the ground next to a dead animal, lol. I've had questions, stares, and cars turn around aplenty to make sure I'm okay. I'm really self-conscious about doing it, but I really love doing it for the purpose of forcing eyes onto just how brutal roadkill can be because of us, and the validating comments I've gotten about it online pushes me to keep going with it. Well, that and of course just sincerely enjoying it. That being said, I like gore - in moderation, and some kinds are just off-limits without me getting grossed out. "Vulture culture" (the use of naturally deceased animals in some form of artwork) is also something I am very very interested in. Wet specimens of anything are cool as all fuck. There's a load of unconventional things I enjoy. What temperature do you keep your thermostat set at in the winter? Uhhhh idk, 70-something. Have you ever fostered an animal? No, but I am 110% fostering opossums once I get my own place and am authorized and properly equipped to do so. What is something you thought you’d never like, but you enjoy now? Hm. OH, ketchup. I hated that shit as a kid. Did your parents ever not let you watch any television shows as a child? Yeah, but none in exact come to mind. Basically like, MTV and stuff like that was a big no. How old were you when you had your first kiss? Who was this kiss with? I just turned 16. It was with Jason, my first "real" boyfriend. Have you ever betrayed one of your parents in any way at all? Doing what? I don't think so. What are your favorite stores to go to when you visit the mall? Hot Topic and Spencer's is like all I care about that we have available near here. Has anyone ever told you they don't like the way you run your life? Ohhhhhhhhhh, I wasn't the only one who experienced that with her. At all. Does it bother you when you comment someone’s pictures and they don't even comment you saying ‘thank you’ or comment one of your pictures? I find it rude if they in no way acknowledge a compliment, yes, but you don't have to say thanks. Just like, like/hearting the comment (I'm using Facebook as my platform here) says enough to me that you're appreciative. Now for the second half of the question, that's stupid. I don't care if someone doesn't comment on a picture. Or anything. When was the last time you had a shot? Are you behind on those right now? I had a few numbing shots into my gums when I had a cavity filled early this month/late last month since my tongue ring finally caused one. I'm not behind on any required ones. Have you ever had a really rare disease, virus, or illness? Really rare, I don't think so? When was the last time you just, genuinely went somewhere with friends? Been a looooooong time, idk. Probably not since I was still friends with Colleen. Would you consider yourself a hygiene freak, or do you not care much? Neither of those fit me. Though I'm more likely to neglect myself out of the two. It depends on how I'm doing. That hasn't entirely healed since recovery. Are you old enough to live by yourself or are you just mature enough? I'm definitely old enough, just not independent or healthy enough, or financially capable. What is one thing you stopped doing just because everyone else stopped? I've never moved with fads. Have you ever been considered the freak of your class at any time in life? "Freak" seems a bit strong of a word, but "the weird kid," probably. Have you ever been to a Sea World before? Which one in which state? As a kid, yes, in Florida. I wouldn't now as an adult; I do not even remotely support their captivity of whales. I don't know all the facts behind their business so can't speak for all the animals, and I am not against all animal captivity so long it is providing and with good purpose (conservation, education, etc.), but nothing will make me pay to support the incredibly incompetent housing and mistreatment of whales. Do you believe in any kind of magic? Is it the stereotypical kind? *shrugs* I mean I dunno, define "magic," I guess. I personally believe some form of greater intelligence created the universe, and I suppose that's "magic." The person I copied this from brought up a great point, too: Science itself can seem pretty magical, so where do you even draw the line? Ex., the evolution of caterpillar to butterfly. That shit's fuckin' wild. A living thing melts to mush and is reformed in an entirely and completely new body. With wings, dude. There are truly a lot of natural things that occur in our world that make that line we've created blurry. Are you currently working on any kind of project at this moment in time? An argumentative essay on climate change in College Writing, if you call that a "project." I haven't started writing truly in-depth yet and may switch my focus to arranged marriages (seems random, yeah, but they're from a set list of options relevant to the book we read), only because I get fucking heated talking about climate change, and our professor made a point of not "preaching," and I also have to be capable of writing a paragraph of concession, that being an acknowledgment of the opposing point and considering its views, but. I don't think I could give climate change deniers' mindset even a sliver of genuine thought. As absolutely awful and appalling as they are, at least I can see a reason (a terrible one, but you get me) like hastening procreation in arranged marriages. Okay wow rambling ANYWAY yeah, in the starting stages of writing an essay. Which do you do more: read books, spent time online, or watch television? I'm like... always online, so yeah. What do you do the most when you’re online? Listen to/watch YouTube. Which foot is bigger, your left or your right? I don't know, I've never noticed. Do you think you’re too old to go trick-or-treating? Personally I believe anyone should be able to, but by society's standards, I am. Do you have a bobblehead? No. Have you ever had a themed b-day party? As a kid, yeah. Were you afraid of heights as a child? Nope. Do you think it’s stupid when you’re dying to have someone pray that you don’t feel afraid? (I would want them to pray that I live, personally) No? I don't believe that there's power in prayer period, but it's kind, realistic, and encouraging to hope they stay unafraid. Death is natural and happens to every single living thing, so truly, we shouldn't fear death all too much. What’s the strangest thing you’ve wrapped a present in? Uh nothing? Do you enjoy and appreciate life? Or is this something you need to learn? I appreciate it very much, but I do need to learn to enjoy it more. Have you ever made a pom-pom out of yarn? No. Have you ever had a lead role in a play? N- oh wait, in Sunday school as a young child, I was Mary in one. I don't remember HOW large the role was, but I would assume it was relatively big. Do you know how to use iMovie? I've never really tried it. I could probably figure it out pretty quickly, though. Would you raise your kids differently than your parents raised you? In some ways. For one, I would fucking not spank them. What was the best part about college? I most enjoy the flexibility of my schedule. It's not a 7-hour or whatever day every weekday. If you were homeschooled, did you come up with a school mascot? If so, what? N/A How many times a day do you check your cell to see if you have a text? Whenever it vibrates. Ever wonder if the person you hate will become the person you marry? *Hated but lmao that might just happen. If you could live in three places, a year each, where would they be? Germany, California, and maybe Canada. Your choice of transportation for anything: camel, jet pack or carriage? Carriage, probably. Think of a movie and now give me that movie title: The last person said Titanic so now I'm thinking romances, so The Notebook. Quote a line from that movie: "Tell me I'm a bird." "If you're a bird, I'm a bird." I wanted that as a tattoo with my spouse one day once upon a time. Aw! A line from your wedding vows is now: I want to recite the Corpse Bride vows with my partner. I don't feel like looking them up rn. Name a song: "God's Gonna Cut You Down" by Marilyn Manson, 'cuz that's what I'm listening to. What’s a line from that song? "Sure as God made black and white, what's done in the dark will be brought to the light." Name your two favorite characters from a TV show or movie: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood. Lust and Envy, probably. When was the last time you fell asleep in a car? I dunno. How often do you think about death? Not too often? Do you believe what comes around goes around? Not always, but cause and effect makes it so sometimes. What about everything happens for a reason? NOPE. Can you sing? Not well. What kinds of little advertisements are on this page right now? None rn. Has something really heavy ever fallen on you? I don't believe so. Do you have any freckles on your feet? No. If you wear makeup, what colors do you usually wear? Black, when I do. I barely ever wear makeup, though. If you have more than one pet, do they ever get jealous of each other? BENTLEY DOES, particularly with guests (once he trusts them, anyway). If Teddy is getting attention, odds are he's gonna come on over and stick his nose in it. Do you have any brightly colored pants? No. Is there a room in your house that you don’t like going in? The laundry room. It's either hot or cold as fuck, depending on the season. Can you solve a Rubik’s Cube? No. I'm not good at planning future steps. Do you remember the last question you were asked? What did you answer? Well, besides the last survey question, I really don't. Besides salt and butter, do you put anything on your popcorn? No.

[rachelfinder]

More Iterations...

Weekend Three at Harvest Farm. More time to iterate and experiment on Take Your SnapShotz!

Oof. This is getting exhausting. I honestly thought I wouldn't make it up to the Farm today. I woke up sick to my stomach. Maybe it was stress. The last two weekends were brutal to my confidence and belief about this business venture. Would this be another disappointing weekend? If so, should I finally admit defeat and get a "real job" at IKEA?

I pushed through the sick and convinced Robo to join me today. I had two experiments I wanted to try.

One experiment involved our customer engagement strategy. I work with a company in the Netherlands, called PhotoFlyer. They make me customized sticker photo frames for my exposed instant film. I ordered 500 of these stickers for the weekend events this month.

PhotoFlyers are a key component of my current engagement strategy. The idea is to use these sticker frames to create a customized free transaction with a potential customer. I take their photo, slap it in a PhotoFlyer, and give it them. They now have a reason to smile--and to possibly rent a camera. But up until today, I think I only gave away...25-30? Maybe??

Needless to say, I'm sitting on a boatload of these things. Extras will be worth nothing after the festival. It was time to get aggressive about giving them away. As opposed to trying to give them away at my booth (which worked well at Colorado Dragon Boat Festival), I went out to the front entrance of the Farm and stood there. I welcomed people to the Fall Festival and offered free photos. To those that said yes, I took their picture and gave it to them in a branded PhotoFlyer.

Meanwhile, Robo stayed at the booth to wait on customers. We positioned the booth a little more out of the way than the previous two weekends. That way, folks would have a moment to put their photo away before getting another interaction with the brand. Or, if they didn't stop to get a picture, it would give folks something to "discover."

Robo confirmed that many people went, "Oh! That's the people that just took our picture!"

Combined with the new tent sign we got in place last week, we have a potential compounding result: brand recognition with the PhotoFlyers increasing the sticky-factor of what we proclaim on the back of the tent sign. This is a big bonus.

That said, Robo noted that giving away the PhotoFlyers did not seem to directly influence sales. No one who had a PhotoFlyer came up and actually rented a camera. So I'm not sure if this customer engagement strategy will result in sales. It may be simply an awareness and impression strategy instead of a sales funnel strategy. Hmmm...

Either way, I want to repeat this strategy iteration to see if the results can be confirmed. However, I think it's going to be just me up at the Farm so being away from the booth to give away photos won't be possible. I may have to table this idea for next weekend.

The second experiment we did today was changing the rental price per unit. We've had a surprising amount of pushback on our current $25/rental price. The cameras retail around $65-75 and the film packs average around $10 each. But many of our customers don't know that. So when we got to the rental price in the sales pitch, folks walked away.

I spent a lot of time tweaking the sales pitch at the events in July, and I know I have all the right pieces to that. Folks are engaged all the way through and clearly interested in buying. But every time we go to the price, the reaction was the same, "Ooo. That's a little expensive."

If the sales pitch is solid and clearly keeps people interested, why won't people buy at the close? My theory is that perceived value does not match requested value. So we dropped the price down to $20 for the day rental.

The results? We had FOUR sales today! This is a higher sales rate than any of our other events. And we had an additional pack of film sale on top of the rentals. We're on to something!

All told, we gave away almost 125 PhotoFlyers and photos and have $90 in gross sales. THAT is satisfying.

Tomorrow I'm going to continue the price experiment, mostly because that can be done with only one person at the booth. If we keep getting sales at the same rate or higher, it will tell us to adjust our pricing for the future.

I think the biggest result today is the confirmation that I shouldn't give up. There have been times before when I wanted to quit this whole journey. Those feelings reached to a whole new level. All this week I battled my feelings of frustration, exhaustion, depression and devaluation. Thursday it was so bad I couldn't get anything done except desperately try not to cry (didn't happen; had a total meltdown that evening). I wouldn't say I threw out a Fleece and made an ultimatum, but I knew that this weekend would either make or break me.

By God's grace, patience and favor, I can confidently say I'm supposed to keep going for this. Dear God, help me. Lol.

[popcorn-for-dinner]

Predictions for the 90th Academy Awards

Nothing takes the sting out of these tough economic times like watching a bunch of millionaires giving golden statues to each other"- Billy Crystal, 2012 host

The Oscars are an enigmatic ceremony. In its simplest form, it’s a group of celebrities all patting themselves on the back for their various film achievements during the year. The majority of these celebrated films are often movies that mainstream audiences have neither watched (certainly not watched at the time of the Oscars) nor have any intention of watching. This, coupled with the derision usually aimed at the perceived self importance of the awards, makes it quite surprising how much attention is still paid to the ceremony. People still care who wins, people still want to know what happened during the almost 3-hour ceremony. The term “Academy Award winner” still commands a level of widespread respect, even to the person who has “Transformers: The Last Knight” as his best film of 2017.

So in anticipation of this year’s 90th Academy awards, I assembled a panel of other like-minded weirdos, Afolabi Adekaiyaoja, Chika Akachukwu and Obiora Ifeacho (all my female friends have lives so won’t waste their time watching the Oscars at 3a.m),and we discussed our reactions to this year’s nominees, who we want to win and who we believe will eventually take home the awards come March 4th.

POPCORN FOR DINNER: OKAY, LET’S START OFF WITH THE BIG ONE. THE “DRUMROLL AWARD”. WHO WINS BEST PICTURE?

Bankole Imoukhuede: This is the only category I will comment on. I think it’s such a shame Get Out isn’t the frontrunner at the moment. I do think it was the best movie this year and it’s a shame it doesn’t look like winning.

SHOULD WIN: Get Out

WILL WIN: The Shape of Water

Afolabi Adekaiyaoja: It is in years like this that I wish the Academy had stuck to their 5 nominees for this category. In that scenario, we don’t get so many filler movies. I think it is down to The Shape Of Water or Three Billboards outside Ebbing, Missouri. I prefer Three Billboards for its storytelling and simple character tales.

SHOULD WIN: Get Out

WILL WIN: Three Billboards outside Ebbing, Missouri

Obiora Ifeacho: I’m hoping that the Academy bucks its trend of being unfavourable to horror and comedy films, and gives Get Out the win. Don’t think it will though.

SHOULD WIN: Get Out

WILL WIN: The Shape of Water

Chika Akachukwu: I was actually (pleasantly) surprised Get Out got nominated. It might have just been a peace offering from the Academy though, to show they aren’t prejudiced. *insert relevant Sunken Place joke*

SHOULD WIN: The Shape of Water (despite its weak attempt to pass off bestiality as cool and romantic)

WILL WIN:  Three Billboards outside Ebbing, Missouri

POPCORN FOR DINNER: THE ACTING CATEGORIES ALL SEEM PRETTY STRAIGHT FORWARD. RAPID FIRE. LEAD ACTOR

O.I: Gary Oldman (The Darkest Hour)

C.A: Yep, same

A.A: Yep, Oldman. Although I think Daniel Kaluuya (Get Out) should win it.

POPCORN FOR DINNER: LEAD ACTRESS

O.I: Frances McDormand (Three Billboards outside Ebbing, Missouri)

C.A: I really want Sally Hawkins (The Shape of Water) to win it but I think Frances McDormand wins it

A.A: Same. I think Sally Hawkins deserves to win it but its most likely going to Frances.

POPCORN FOR DINNER: SUPPORTING ACTOR

O.I: As Bill Simmons puts it, a “that guy” actor is an actor who you see everywhere but you don’t actually know his name and he never really has leading roles in successful films but you know him and appreciate his efforts knowing his time will soon come. Sam Rockwell (Three Billboards outside Ebbing, Missouri) was probably the greatest “that guy” actor of his generation. The award is firmly his. Sorry, that wasn’t quick fire lol.

C.A: Ditto. Loved Sam since Seven Psychopaths (Also written and directed by Martin McDonagh)

A.A: Willem Dafoe (The Florida Project) started off as the favourite, Christopher Plummer (All The Money in the World) is a big middle finger at Kevin Spacey, Richard Jenkins (The Shape of Water) is conveniently riding the wave of The Shape of Water (apologies for the pun), even though Michael Shannon (The Shape of Water) turns in a far better performance and Woody Harrelson (Three Billboards outside Ebbing, Missouri) is on for a little while but is naturally amazing. The only one left (Sam Rockwell) is the actor who really does make magic happen on screen and is just a delight to see.

POPCORN FOR DINNER: SUPPORTING ACTRESS

O.I: While I think Laurie Metcalf (Lady Bird) should win this, it seems to be another foregone conclusion. Allison Janney (I, Tonya)

C.A: She’s won every other award. Imagine if she didn’t win this one?

A.A: Allison Janney, although I would have preferred a debut win for Mary J. Blige (Mudbound)

POPCORN FOR DINNER: BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY.

O.I: This really comes down to Get Out, Lady Bird and The Shape of Water, in my opinion. I think The Shape of Water wins it but I’ll be rooting for Get Out or Lady Bird.

A.A: I think Get Out should and will win it.

POPCORN FOR DINNER: FINAL CATEGORY. DIRECTOR.

Bankole Imoukhuede: Okay, I know I said that Best Picture was the only category I would give an input in but I am so annoyed Christopher Nolan (Dunkirk) isn’t winning this. Dunkirk in the cinema, in IMAX, was such an experience. I have absolutely nothing against Guillermo Del Toro (The Shape of Water) but I really wish Nolan was winning this.

A.A: Same. I think Nolan should win this. None of the other nominees, in my opinion, pushed the limits of the cinema experience while combining all the other aspects of moviemaking into a truly riveting and remarkable production, like he did with Dunkirk. It’s probably going to Del Toro though.

O.I: Christopher Nolan has found a way for production companies to fund his movies without relying on previous original material which is great. Very difficult to be commercially and critically successful in this day and age. Proper visual storytelling masterpiece. Del Toro wins it though.

C.A: Christopher Nolan could make a movie about anything and I’ll be game for it. The man gave us The Dark Knight. Not to mention, Bane impressions.

POPCORN FOR DINNER: OKAY, A COUPLE MORE QUESTIONS TO ROUND THIS OUT. WHAT WERE YOUR SNUBS AND OSCAR BAIT FLOPS THIS YEAR?

B.I: Snubs. Probably Franco (The Disaster Artist) (although with good reason). Oscar bait flop of the year would have to be Surburbicon. A period piece written by the Coen Brothers and George Clooney, including a true story subplot that reflects our current societal issues, directed by Clooney and starring Matt Damon, Julianne Moore and Oscar Isaacs doesn’t get a single nomination? Has to be the flop of the year.

C.A: There’s nothing I love more than simplicity and nothing I hate more than overcrowded stuffed casts. Hence, my vote has to be The Post. Sure, it got an obligatory Oscar nomination for Meryl Streep and a consolation best picture nomination but it was definitely shooting for bigger targets. I don’t want to see that many stars in one movie. It just screamed “Oscars” to me.

A.A: That’s funny because Tom Hanks (The Post) is one of my snubs, the other being Martin McDonagh (Three Billboards outside Ebbing, Missouri). My Oscar bait flop has to be The Greatest Showman. It was a musical written by Oscar-winning songwriters (check), had a big name star (check) and a romantic subplot (check). I’m pretty sure someone expected this to be the next Chicago. It sucks because I really love Hugh Jackman and think the basis- PT Barnum is a riveting tale. Still, it got nearly shut out.

O.I: My big snub is Armie Hammer (Call Me by Your Name). Others were Robert Pattinson (Good Time), Michael Stuhlbarg (Call Me by Your Name and The Shape of Water) and Tifanny Haddish (Girls Trip). I have to go for The Post for my flop too. Was never a fan from the moment it was announced last year

POPCORN FOR DINNER: WHAT’S YOUR FAVOURITE OSCARS’ MOMENT

O.I: Roberto Benigni winning Best Foreign Language film. How can you not be happy for Roberto Benigni when the Italian actor-director stood on top of his chair, waving at anybody and everybody, as he was walking across the seats to accept his award for Life is Beautiful? I mean, even Steven Spielberg was helping him on his way!

A.A: Knowing that everyone on my TL and circle expected Boyhood to win, hearing Sean Penn remark about a guy’s green card and realising it was Birdman in the split second before he confirmed it…amazing. It was a great reward for an amazing movie, great concept and wonderful execution.

B.I: Mine has to be Lupita’s acceptance speech for Best Actress in a Supporting role for 12 years a Slave. “No matter where you are from, your dreams are valid”. If that ain’t a clarion call to get creative, I don’t know what is.  

C.A: “Hold on imma let you finish but Moonlight had the best picture award this year, La La Land”. (This is how it played out in my head last year)

POPCORN FOR DINNER: Parting words?

A.A.: And the nominees for now overdue Oscar win are: Amy Adams, Bradley Cooper, Michael Shannon, Joaquin Phoenix and Jessica Chastain…and the next one off is…

B.I: In a world where Logan got a (deserved) adapted screenplay nomination, I’m speaking it into existence that I believe, with the right campaign, Black Panther can nab at least one of a Supporting Actor, Director, Adapted Screenplay and Best Picture nomination.

O.I: GIVE ROGER DEAKINS HIS FUCKING OSCAR ALREADY

Bankole Imoukhuede

@banky_I

[tierra]

When you fucking love science...

Post 17/30

OKAY. Take 3. I finally learned from my first 2 mistakes of trying to type my blog up on the website itself-apparently all you have to do to delete your whole post is tap outside the window and bye-bye 30 minutes of thoughtful introspective words.....

Back to science. I’ve learned a lot about my body over the past year or so. Thanks to my functional medicine doctor, physical therapist, acupuncturist, co-workers (physical and occupational therapists), and ofcourse, google, I now feel more in control of my body than ever before. This. This is a feeling I have never knew I needed- I never fully understood could be possible.

QUICK flashback to how I felt at age 13/14: Constant constipation (TMI- sorry not sorry). Constant heart burn (totally normal for a teenager, right...wait what???). Chronic anxiety and difficulty focusing. Overweight and insecure. Poor memory (especially short term). Poor sleeping habits due to aforementioned anxiety and overall abdominal discomfort. All these things made me feel so out of control of my body. At least once a month, I would pace in the bathroom for hours at night thinking I was going to puke while also having mild panic attacks thinking “why does my body hate me??”

Worst yet, it didn’t make any bit of sense to me at the time because I ws doing everything everyone told me to do to make me feel good. I was a year-round swimmer, I ate low-fat and low-carb foods (ever-since learning about Weight Watchers and trying to eat similarly), I took ant-acids and miralax every day. WHY did I still feel so terrible?

My mom’s solution: drink more water. (LOL-she may have had me there. But really? Water is going to cure my heartburn and anxiety and constipation that has been happening for years? Thanks mom, but I think there’s more..)

My dad’s solution: well, let’s face it, he just wanted me to be happy, even if it meant feeding me comfort food that was slowly killing my insides. “What’s one milkshake really going to do?”

My doctor’s: drink less milk (he may have been on to something there) and take a daily stool softener. At 14????? For the rest of my life???? UM FUCK NO.

So why do I love science so much? Because I have cured almost all of my above symptoms without a single synthetic medication. Without taking laxatives or any daily medication (aside from my natural digestive enzyme). I feel great throughout my whole body more than 90% of the time.

It’s been a solid year since starting my lifestyle change of no grains, no dairy or no sugars. (The no sugars part has definitely been most challenging... for anyone wondering). I thought it would be annoying, a pain in the ass, to cook separate from Chaz, expensive (that part is slightly true, but not for everyone), and just an added stressor to my anxiety-ridden life. Guess what? It has literally been NONE of those things. Not even annoying to cook separate from Chaz... believe it or not (to anyone who knows how much my boyfriend despises most vegetables).

Not to brag, but I am so fucking good at reading my body now. I have a slight headache? It was probably the sugar in my kombucha this morning. Haven’t gone to the bathroom today? Probably those 3 paleo banana muffins I had with the excess flour and coconut sugar. Sore muscles? I haven’t been drinking enough water and haven’t engaged in my daily yoga. Anxious day at work? I didn’t meditate and get my brain ready for my day. Seriously, I felt like I had it DOWN. (And still feel like I do!)

So when I hurt my pelvis/tailbone 4 weeks ago, I did not realize my body would take a toll as severely as it did. My anxiety since this has risen exponentially, my pain has taken over my brain for much of my day, and I am fearful to over-stretch or over-work it in fear of more pain.

Cue science.

This disorder actually has a name and a perfectly logical explanation! It’s called CPP or chronic pelvis pain, and is prevalent in over 15% of women in the US. The reason it persists is that it is often caused by fear-avoidance in women (Alappattu & Bishop, 2011). Simply put, my fear for more pain is exacerbating my current pain. Here’s some of the supporting evidence:

“People who confront pain adapt positively to an injury; they are motivated to return to their prior activities and view pain only as a temporary annoyance.

“People at the other extreme, who avoid pain, are motivated to avoid activities and experiences that they perceive as painful. This avoidance behavior is believed to lead to negative physical and psychological consequences, such as immobility and increased reinforcement of the discrepancy between pain sensation and pain experience and behaviors.” (Alappattu & Bishop, 2011; pg 5-6).

>>>I used to avoid pain at all costs. With my new-found confidence and ability to control more of my body, this has recently started to shift. I no longer see pain as negative and try to embrace most painful experiences as they relate to me trying new things. I’ve been dirt-biking and snowboarding and made a few painful falls, however, when it sticks around for this long, it’s difficult for me to see the light. My patience diminishes. I want control of my body NOW (said in voice of Veruca Salt from Willy Wonka).

In one study, pain sensitivity was assessed with thermal stimuli at the forearm, which is a pretty good distance away from the low back. Results suggest that overall pain sensitivity was enhanced in the patients who had catastrophizing, or extremely negative, thoughts in relation to their pain.

“This may blur the lines between an actual stimulus and an expected stimulus.”

Now you’re just shooting your self in the foot because you’re becoming classically conditioned to feel more pain than should be really occurring. Expecting something that is not real. (So like, the exact definition of anxiety?)

So, long story long, the more negatively I THINK about my injury, the less likely it is to heal. Additionally, the more difficult it will be to heal.

I really needed to read this. Especially today, on a beautiful sunny day like today when I’d LOVE to be hiking or snowshoeing or being outside in the slippery ice and snow. I am not fearful, I am cautious. I am healing. I am accepting of my healing and aware of the precautions I must take. So instead, I will stretch, do my exercises, light housework, and continue my personal development through the weekend.

This all being said, what pain is bad pain and what pain is healing pain? Now that I know WHY, I am curious to learn how to know when my body is healing and how to know if it’s remaining the same. This will be my next question for my PT when I’m able to see her again. I’m still learning so much and by no means was this post a way to say “hey I know everything about this topic!” But rather to talk about how science has helped me so much in my journey to not being ignorant. It’s easy to be ignorant to outside stimuli (e.g., politics, news), because you don’t have to be constantly reminded by it with it following you around- your body on the other hand, will literally remind you any time you move a certain way or go to engage in activities you’re used to before your injury. This is something SO many people take for granted- a healthy, amazing, perfectly-functioning body. Something I’ve decided to vow to NEVER take for granted again.

Hope everyone has a joyful and healing weekend!

All my love,

Tara