#no one is backing me up in important issues

[azulpitlane]

american wedding l ln4

summary: lando dating zak brown's daughter leads to a lot of pr disasters, like getting married in vegas

notes: can be read as a part two to boss' daughter or a stand alone

masterlist

yourusername

liked by landonorris, oscarpiastri and 38,329 others

yourusername wasnt gonna drink tonight but i miss my bf like a mf.

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user real tbh

user i miss u like a mf. show ur face at a race already queen.

user no cause it's been forever since she went to one and i miss the chaotic content with her and lando

user you know damn well you were gonna drink regardless liked by yourusername

landonorris i miss u more😓 just drop out of uni and come to all my races

zbrownceo excuse me?

landonorris JUST A JOKE! ha ha ha.

user LANDO😭😭

landonorris but i just booked a flight to nyc because of this post btw. see you this weekend😈

yourusername i was about to start crying until i realized what emoji you used😐

oscarpiastri dont we have be at the mtc this weekened??

yourusername SHHHH OSCAH

landonorris yeah oscar shhh

user poor oscar is always getting tag teammed by those two

user lando getting that in-law privilege by skipping important meetings to see his boss' daughter😭

user i love this relationship's dynamic theyre so perfect for each other

f1gossip

23,432 likes

f1gossip Lando and Y/n's Brown's weekend in New York City! It seems Lando skipped his trip to the MTC to be with his girlfriend where they were pictured clubbing and walking around the city multiple times.

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user IN THE CLURB WE ALL FAM

user he finally met his match lol

user lando is a clingy drunk confirmed✅

user i really want to know what their drunk conversations sound like

user hot take but if she wasnt zaks daughter most of you guys would hate her

user shes making him blow off important meetings so he could be with her? she sounds like a distraction from racing

user girl what- her dad is literally the ceo? if there was an issue im sure he wouldve let them know bffr

user zak brown is probably tired of these two😭

user is partying all they do together?

user no cause she lowkey seems like a bad influence

user i agree🫣 shes always posting herself partying and drinking, thats not wag material

user she might be a pr nightmare but i stand with my canceled wife💜

landonorris

liked by yourusername, oscarpiastri and 820,429 others

landonorris nyc to vegas🛩 aaaand i brought the bad influence with

tagged yourusername

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user the caption IM-

user nah hes lowkey dissing y/n haters😭

user how did he bag someone 10x cooler than him

user the bottle of alcohol and the vape, she really is ready for vegas

user Y/N'S BACK!!!

yourusername vegas aint ready for us

landonorris no they arent😈

yourusername enough.

user no hate to the other wags but y/n is truly the realest one out of all of them

user fr she truly is just a normal girl in her twenties

oscarpiastri 🙂

yourusername what is that suppose that mean OSCAH!!! my father will hear of this

oscarpiastri ok calm down draco malfoy

user why is there lowkey beef between y/n and oscar LMFAO

yourusername he hates my swag!!!

oscarpiastri she brings a lotttt of energy to the garage when shes here🙂

user im crying at oscars response😭😭😭 hes had enough of yn and lando

user idk if her holding a bottle of alcohol is appropriate to post!

user pls grow up omg

yourusername

liked by carlossainz55, danielricciardo and 59,329 others

yourusername postt race partoes >>>>>> the avtual race

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user THEE party girl

user i need to party with them so bad

user lando.jpg when???

user the typos😭 shes already drunk

user yup theres already videos of her and lando drunkly dancing together all over twitter

user yeah and oscar was in the background of those videos looking miserable LMFAOO

user oh to be a wag partying in vegas with lando

yourusername posted a story

user i voted fall to my knees and cry btw…if you even care

user um this is a random question to ask at 3am…

user what stores are even open rn😭😭

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oscarpiastri Y/N??? IVE BEEN LOOKING FOR YOU AND LANDO FOR LIKE A HALF AN HOUR AT THE CLUB AND YOURE NOT EVEN HERE??

oscarpiastri if you guys dont pick up your phones i swear to god…

oscarpiastri of course i get stuck as babysitter to the two most drunk people at the party

yourusername heY oscah😊😊 sendingg u my lpcation now cuz we need a witness so come ASAPPPPPP

oscarpiastri WITNESS FOR WHAT?

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danielricciardo if this means what i think it means, youre both so dead🤣

user babes didnt u just post at the club like an hour ago

yourusername

liked by danielricciardo, landonorris and 1,392,321 others

yourusername do u guys thonk my dad will be mad thaT oscar walked me down the aislee?

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user OH MY GOD??

user mclarens pr team are going to have a rude awakening in the morning😭

user shes never beating the bad influence allegations i fear

user crazy to think that this time last year he was flirting with her through her instagram comments😭

user and now theyre married omg i remember everyone was teasing lando but he truly got the last laugh

carlossainz55 i dont know if i should congralute you guys or be concerned?

user mind you, its almost four in the morning in vegas

danielricciardo getting married is crazy, you should be at the club

yourusername u mak a grrat point! otw now

mclaren we cannot congratulate until the boss says its okay sorry😕

zbrownceo answer your phone.

oscarpiastri sir, i would like it to be known that she blackmailed to be there

yourusername okay snitch!

zbrownceo im not kidding y/n

danielricciardo ouuu youre in trouble

user its so over for them

user zak finally putting his foot down with these two LMFAO

f1gossip

25,532 likes

f1gossip Wedding celebrations at the club! Seems like the newlyweds are back partying after their wedding announcement was made just a few minutes ago. Congrats to them?

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user everyone is freaking out and theyre literally at the club im cryingg

user "congrats to them?" is literally all of us rn😭

user they are not real omg

user zak is probably blowing up their phones and they do not care at all lmfaooo

user truly winning the idgaf war

user real question is are they getting an annulment once they sober up???

user i really wanna know what zak will make them do

f1gossip

20,329 likes

f1gossip Newly weds update! The two were seen this afternoon leaving Las Vegas with Zak Brown himself. Neither were seen wearing wedding rings, possible divorce?

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user well that was fun while it lasted

user damn they beat kim kardashians record of the shortest marriage

user at least theyre still dating😭

user they definitely got yelled at lmfaoo

user cant tell if zak is happy or angry that his daughter married norris considering how much he loves him

user oh hes def happy about it but not happy they posted it LOL

user good for him for getting an annulment. shes a mess

user and hes not? bye theyre both messy

landonorris 📍qatar

liked by carlossainz55, yourusername and 2,424,232 others

landonorris annulment? we're in our honeymoon

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user oh so theyre fr about this marriage😭

user does bro know theres a race on sunday

user they look so in love im honestly really happy for them

yourusername we beat the fraud marriage allegations💜

mclaren now thats its been approved by the boss, congratulations to the best papaya couple theres ever been🧡

user wow so zak approves! im shocked tbh

user i wish i couldve seen their reactions the morning after the wedding

yourusername ohhh we didnt remember any of it tbh but were happy now!

user LMFAO OMG....

user she finally got her ring!! and here you guys were thinking they got a divorce bc she didnt have one

danielricciardo never thought id see the day

yourusername me neither tbh

landonorris excuse me WHAT

landoupdates

50,242 likes

landoupdates Lando was questioned on his Vegas wedding in new interview.

"We decided not to get any annulment or anything and just keep this Vegas marriage as sort of like a promise for a real one in the future." 🧡

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user omg😭😭they are too cute

user not to be dramatic but i would honestly cried if they broke up

user no literally they mean everything to me

user "i really do think y/n is the one" DO YOU HEAR ME SOBBING

user he gets so smiley when y/n is brought up ughhh me and WHO

user and to think y/n has haters is crazyyy this man is so in love with her

user if oscar isnt the best man ill riot for him, he was there for the og wedding

user imagining them trying to convince zak to not get a divorce is the cutest but funniest thing ever

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more notes: has anyone seen anora?? it inspired this haha A FRAUD MARRIAGE!!!

[daisylolezzi]

wanna know whats so perfectly and endlessly exciting about fantasies? i can have them anywhere about anyone af any time.

i can be at work, in an important meeting with the ceo on a project, keeping professional and on topic while my mind wanders to how his old hands would feel fondling my breasts and sliding inappropriately up my inner thigh until his fingertips brush against the soft damp cotton of my panties, how his breath would feel on my cheek as he whispers that he only hired me because he wanted to stare at my tits all day, how his heavy body would feel keeping me pressed down over his desk while he slowly fills me with his thick cock...

i could be in a shop buying groceries and feel a chill go down my spine as i wonder how it would feel for a random man to press up behind me, grope my ass and my tits from behind, breathe against my neck that i should stay quiet and make this easy for him as his hand lifts my skirt, pulls my panties aside and shoves two fingers inside my cunt, fingerfucking me against the shelves until im tight and gushing and shaking as my wetness slides down my thighs, until i gasp as i cum, and he disappears as i buckle and slowly sink to my knees to catch my breath...

i can be at a pride event with all my lesbian friends, flipping off passing men and holding the hands of other women around me, as my thoughts flood with tingling accuracy at images of those same men getting fed up of my callous arrogance, charging the parade, grabbing me and my lesbian friends by our hair, throwing us to the ground and showing us what it really feels like to have the priviledge of society behind you.... shoving our legs apart and slamming into our obviously still virgin gold star cunts with their hard throbbing cocks, ignoring our screams in protest just like everyone else at the parade ignores us, laughing and fucking our wombs hard and deep as everyone who was once celebrating our lesbian pride is now cheering for the men raping us into the concrete street, our tits (and "unintentionally wet" pussies) on full display for these men to stuff and cum into over and over, taking advantage of our prideful lack of clothing to give us exactly what we were asking for...

i could be walking down my street just for some air and feel my body tremble with the anticipation of a random stranger running up behind me, tackling me to the curb and fucking me hard and fast because he just had to use me, needed to get off and i was the most available cunt for him to stuff...

i could be in a session with my therapist to work through my daddy issues and trauma, trying not to grind into the couch im sitting on as i picture him moving to sit beside me, whisper that he's here to help me overcome the difficult thoughts im dealing with, telling me as his fingers gently rub my nipples over my shirt that my trauma is the only reason i 'think' im a lesbian, promising as his other hand gently parts my thighs to rub my pussy and clit over my jeans that he can fix me and make me a good girl again, whispering as he kisses my neck to lay back, relax, dont think about it too much until eventually hes ontop of me, panting and moaning into my ear as he gets off, softly and slowly raping me for the first time of many...

and i can do this all day, without anyone ever knowing any better. these are just a small handful of all the ones i have 🤭🥴

[arcane-ish]

I know it's not a fun thing to think about it, and we have one more arc to think about it, but my worry is that the correct take from this is that the writers just have a different, more negative read on the relationship of Silco and Jinx.

Some interviews with cast members give me the vibe that they weren't that comfortable with the too positive read some fans had on Silco. (ie Ella Purnell for example)

My read on Silco as a character, as a person is that he was a guy who suffered trauma, who hardened, and it was important for his character development to grow to care about Jinx. But he's not the subject of this season. Jinx and Caitlyn and Vi are.

And it's not so much that there isn't enough time to do a montage to show Silco's softer side, it's that from Jinx's point of view, from her character development, Silco just isn't as positive a factor. (for the record, this imo doesn't just affect Silco. With Warwick we also didn't really get much about his torture and what it means to him to become the beast, his role also is heavily dictated by what his existance means for Vi and Jinx, like when the flashbacks of his past seemlessly roll over into the montage becoming about Vi's point of view of her mother and sister)

I read the writers interview with things like:

SCIFI VISION:   Yeah, it's definitely going to make a change, it sounds like. Talk about the fact that Jinx doesn't, I guess, at least right now, have anybody, now that Silco's gone, too. I mean, is that a good thing? Is that a bad thing? I mean, his influence isn't there, but I do think he actually cared about her, as crazy as he was. CHRISTIAN LINKE:   Yeah, I mean, it's the first time in Jinx's life where there isn't someone else telling her who she's supposed to be. In the beginning of her game, it's Vi, her big sister, who she really wants to impress and please. Then it's Silco, who really wants to make her, like, the most potent version of the talented weapons tinkerer that she is.

So, suddenly, the voices are gone, and she has to figure out for herself who she wants to be and what she wants to do, and that is a true first for her.

This reads like they see Jinx being "free" of Silco and figuring herself out as the positive aspect and I think in the show this being represented as her forming relationships and having some happiness and maybe even glipses of "Powder" showing up (when Silco insisted Powder was gone) or Jinx trying to reject being Jinx.

I think there's a good chance that it can't stay that way and Jinx goes back to being Jinx, but the issue is whether that is being portrayed as a bad and tragic thing. Because Act 2 certainly seems to feel wistful about the way Jinx is in it. (that said, there's certainly maybe some meta meaning to be mined on how Viktor's community seems beautiful but it's likely the wrong path/not the real deal)

From the show it's still clear that Jinx cares for Silco, but again in regards to his influence on her it seems to be a more mixed bag. Or even the show leaning towards Silco represents Jinx represents violence and it's something that makes Jinx unhappy and that she tries to back away from a bit.

Now there's a good chance that the death of Isha might put her in a vengeful state and have her go deeper into Jinx as a personality. But again with the open question being whether that makes her happy or actually unhappier.

Right now it feels like going deeper into Jinx seems to be more liked to her losing emotional connection from others (because she's withdrawing deeper into herself and becoming more abrasive with others).

I guess we will see in Act 3 if she goes more Jinx if she comes to enjoy it more and if Silco shows more up in connection to it. (I could see maybe a glimpse of Silco and Jinx's past relationship showing up at like a fundamental transition moment, like giving fully into Jinx or when she is close to death)

I think the problem is that for fans of Silco his relationship with Jinx represents a softening of his hard stance, while the writers from Jinx's point of view seem to mostly be casting as him representing her hardening. Rather than let's say, the softer aspects of their relationship being something that is guiding her out of a dark or hopeless moment.

(which again doesn't mean that Jinx feels negatively towards Silco or that what she takes from it is negativity. And I think there's still plenty of room to tell a story of his having positive influence on her. It starts with her letting go of him and one can argue that having the strenght of let go is an important thing to teach a person (especially if I see Jinx being haunted by the ghosts of Mylo and Claggor being symbols of her inability to let go). And even when Silco fans joke about Jinx's line about how things might have been different if Silco had found the letter, to me that is still a representaiton of Jinx having softer feelings, a softer read on Silco. Maybe it's an unrealistic take on him, but it's a softer take on him rather than her reading him as a negative and oppressive force in her life)

Okay, I'm rambling and not making much sense and we will know soon enough if Silco's role in regards to Jinx becomes more pronounced as she maybe embraces her Jinx side more. Or if the writers have just an a lot more mixed or negative view on his role in her life as it relates to her development. Or if they want to specifically write a story of her emancipating herself from both Vi and Silco and if she makes her choices towards violence or whatever she decides on they want it to be on her own terms rather than just being what Silco wanted. Because they want it to be truly HER story and her choices and not "actually this is the story of badass Silco who formed attachments, sacrificed himself for his daughter and triumphs from beyond the grave because she is finishing what he started because of his badass influence on her".

I guess what I want to say is that I don't think that there being no young Jinx & Silco flashback so far doesn't have to do with lack of time, but them going with a specific characterization for Jinx where her might for whatever reason (too fresh, emancipation, Silco being associated with violence and she is still in the grief phase, her memories not being as positive [people might not like it, but I get the impression if we compare how Jinx interacts with Isha if maybe her childhood with Silco she felt lonely despite his best efforts]) doesn't want to go there yet.

Can I get something off my chest? I was really hoping we'd get more flashbacks of Jinx and Silco together.

their backstory holds so much potential for deeper exploration, expanding on how he raised her after Vander's “betrayal” could have given more insight into how Jinx became who she is, and the complexity of their bond.

Scenes that truly delve into how he cared for her, how their bond was built over time.

I wanted to see those tender, fractured moments where he helped her navigate the chaos in her mind, whether through tough love, quiet support, or simply being there when she had no one else.

Moments where his stern but protective demeanor softened just for her. Maybe a glimpse of him patching her up after a dangerous mission, or the way he'd indulge her quirks when no one else could.

He wasn’t just her dad, he was her anchor in a world that had abandoned her, and it would’ve been fascinating seeing more of how he filled that role. Their bond was so complex god

There’s so much we don’t know, and so much that could have been shown, and I can’t help but feel like more flashbacks could have given it even greater depth.

[askinkiskarma]

I have a lot of thoughts about arcane and rather than dealing with them on my own i thought i would try to write them out and see how other people feel and maybe have a conversation about it, because the beauty of art is sharing it and seeing it through your own eyes, as well as others’ - the beauty of art is its ability to ignite and spark a conversation… a change.

Arcane is very important to me, because of what it represents - humanity, in all its aspects and kaleidoscopic facets, in all its glory and in all its misery. What made it unique is how inherently relatable and universal the feelings and experiences the characters go through and how inherently human their problems are at their core, and whilst they were able to keep a lot of those sentiments in season 2, I feel by act iii they forsook a lot of what made arcane special.

Very rambly thoughts ahead, I do apologise, and please tell me yours, I would love to speak about it and process it.

To me arcane was always about class struggles, about oppression, about what happens to the oppressed when they are pushed to the brink, about how that affects a person’s journey and their fates, and putting faces to those struggles on both sides of the equation - vi, an orphaned child who was forced to grow up too quickly and parentified to the point she felt like she had no value outside of being a protector; jinx - a brilliant mind who fell victim to trauma because there was no one able to help her outgrow it or deal with it; silco - a man who has seen the oppression first hand and chose to fight it regardless of the sacrifice it took. I could keep going and going but Arcane was a phenomenal display of character and morality, and an almost perfect attempt at the shades of grey that make most of us who we are. No character was without flaw, and no character was unjustified in their actions in their own minds and due to their own particular set of circumstances.

I think most of the gripes I have with season 2 stem from two overarching themes: time and ambition. But before I go into this, let me praise it for a bit because despite all my grievances, I still think it is the best animated piece of art of all time and I still think it's better than 99% of anything I've ever been invested in. Although almost redundant to even talk about, I want to shine a light onto the animation. I have to give so much credit to every single person involved in bringing this series to life, because it is a spectacle from the first frame to the last, and the amount of talent, effort and passion it took to do this can never be put into words.

I will bring up things I loved about it as I'm talking what I didn't, because they are very much entrenched. My biggest complain about season 2 is that, the fact that it was only one season. I believe everything they've set out to achieve and every plot point they introduced could have been properly addressed and done justice in in one more season, and therefore, none of the problems I'm about to go into would have ever been an issue.

Imagine this: season 2 starts exactly as it did, with the first three episodes dealing with the aftermath of jinx's actions and the loss that drives Piltover into deplorable reactions, with Caitlyn and Ambessa at the helm, descending into fascism, Cait driven by blind rage and the prejudice she's been fed her entire life without an active effort into trying to overcome it, Ambessa driven by ambition and desperate attempts to one-up the Black Rose organisation. However, the season progresses differently - to me, this conflict and its consequences should have been what this season was about.

Simple yet deeply impactful, tackling the themes they set up in the last season, tackling the intricacies of what would lead the characters into their actions - for Cait, expanding on the way grief, fear and guilt makes you regress back to your most ignorant, primal, selfish self; for Vi, the way a lifetime of being told she's responsible for everything and everyone and her unbridled desire for love and family made her abandon her core principles and join the people she hates in order to kill the monster she thinks she's responsible for creating; for Ambessa, the way her deeply embedded and deeply repressed fear of the Black Rose coupled with the Noxian belief in strength and sacrifice and war made her give up one her core beliefs that warriors are forged through blood sweat and tears and not through magic and reach out to Singed, therefore becoming an almost caricature of herself etc etc etc.

That coupled with the overarching conflict between Piltover and Zaun, how Piltover's actions are the breaking point for Zaun, as well as the personal conflicts between Jinx and Vi, Mel and Ambessa, Vi and Cait, potentially Jayce and Cait once Jayce realises Cait has become someone she would have absolutely despised just a few weeks ago, would have made for a compelling and powerful season that kept to much of the themes of the first season and could have been the stepping stones for a larger conflict that could have been introduced but not expanded in this season - Viktor and the Hexcore, the bigger battle between humanity vs the arcane, the Black Rose and their involvement in everything.

Season 2 would introduce Isha as a positive role model for Jinx and a way that Jinx would be able to be rescued from the nothingness her life had become - Isha could have been a symbol for Zaun, and the reason Jinx would decide to become the face of the revolution for Zaun independence. Season 2 could have ended with the Jinx and Vander moment in the prison, or with her reaching out for Vi after her KO in the pits. Season 3 then could have dealt with everything else, and been a great way to introduce other characters and other conflicts (Mel and the Black Rose), which I assume will be part of the next series about runeterra.

I think this season and what it was trying to achieve was great, but its biggest downfall was that in its ambition, it fell short of what made it great. Because whilst the fighting and the animations and the moments we did get with the characters were great, there wasn't enough time to make them justified or fleshed out, and in that, we lost the essence of what people loved the most about Arcane - the eye to detail, the accuracy in character writing and portrayal.

I loved seeing Cait and Vi together and I loved seeing them get into conflict - I did not, however, love that Caitlyn went from being a dictator to redeeming herself in basically one episode with no consequences for her actions. Vi should have been mad, she should have been furious, she should have held her accountable and she didn't. I wanted them to have a much earned sex scene, but not in a prison, which overlooks the insane amount of trauma Vi has suffered in Stillwater and how insensitive doing it there comes across as.

I loved seeing Jinx and Vi reunited - but for a story that started and was always at its core a story about two sisters, there was not nearly enough done to explore their very complicated and tumultuous relationship and bring it to a satisfying conclusion. Not one scene in which they talked about their issues, where they opened up about the past, where they resolved anything before Jinx eventually died, and then, not even one scene of Vi mourning her or what her death represents to the overarching story or to Zaun.

I loved seeing Jinx get better, and her character was actually the highlight of the show for me this season, but a lot of it felt rushed and not properly explored - by the beginning of act 2 she seemed basically perfectly sane, and even after losing Isha, she seemed perfectly in charge of her emotions and was able to surrender herself and make perfectly rational decisions, which doesn't seem in line with all we know about jinx. Not to mention Isha was never mentioned once in the whole of act 3, and neither did Jinx becoming a symbol for Zaun amount to absolutely anything in the end.

I hated how much like the fandom, and the characters themselves, the writers seem to overlook Vi completely. She got the short end of the stick at literally every turn and I thought she would have gotten a semblance of justice in the end, but she didn’t. She forsake everything she knew and believed in because Jinx needed to be killed - Jinx was actually better and fixed herself without any of her involvement, so she betrayed herself for nothing. She finally opens up to Cait and cries in front of her, begging her not to change because she’s already lost everything - Cait betrays her like 5 minutes later and attacks her, abandoning her, then comes back like nothing happened and Vi doesn’t give a shit and forgives her immediately. Finally gets Vander and Jinx back? Loses them both again in the span of a few days. SHE EVEN FUCKING GOT A BAD ENDING IN THE HAPPY ALTERNATE UNIVERSE WHERE EVERYONE ELSE WAS HAPPY LIKE WTF. I could keep going and going about Vi and all the ways she was done wrong but I’d be here forever so let’s move on but #justiceforvi

I liked the Jayce and Viktor conflict and I actually believe everything they've done with that they handled well, since it was basically the main plot of the season, and I loved the way ekko's storyline intertwined with theirs, but this could have been handled even better in a season dedicated to it, and I wish it hadn't come at the expense of Jinx, Vi, Cait and the conflict between Zaun and Piltover. Watching this show felt a little bit like watching season 1 of game of thrones and then halfway through season 2 we're actually in season 8 and the white walkers are here and nobody cares about the iron throne anymore and everything that happened we're supposed to forget about and focus on jon snow vs the night king and it's so confusing cause I kinda cared about Ned Stark and who killed Jon Arryn and i’m kinda still mad that Cersei killed Lady and I’m still curious about Bran and his visions and Varys and the importance of choosing a leader who cares about the small folks and and and ???

This is such a long post and I’m very sorry and I’m writing it on my phone so it might not even make sense but I needed to get some of it out because this has taken over my life.

I probably will have more thoughts as I’m processing this more but for now pls tell me i’m not alone and pls tell me your thoughts 🤍

[riddles-n-games]

Hey guys, I've been seeing another rift going on in the fandom regarding TGG and TIG characters, so I've decided to make a statement that can hopefully make things more cohesive.

I understand that not everyone likes the new spin-off and honestly, I'm considering just stopping after GU. Personally, I don't have anything against the characters of TGG but my problem is that they sound too much like our old mains. However, that's not their fault. It's the author's. There's nothing wrong with JLB wanting to expand the TIG universe but it is problematic when you are repeating the same character arcs of the old characters that are also present and interacting with these new mains. The problem that we face is the fact while even in The Naturals there are similar characters, they are divided by different series. However, that is not going on here with TIG and TGG. TGG is a continuation of TIG and our TIG characters are still present. Heck, one of our old mains is a player and a love interest here to one of the new mains. And therein lies the issue. When you have a connected series, it's important to have distinguished characters with different voices, not carbon copies.

What I expected for TGG characters was that she would move from the character tropes we've seen already in the series and come up with new ones. I mean, come on, she's a psychology major, we bring that up so often but what's the point when she keeps going in circles and never brings up anything new? I pointed a lot of this out pre-read because I already correctly guessed where this was going within just a few pages of reveal. Don't get me wrong, if she wanted to, she could do it but it doesn't feel like she has new plans or plots. Be honest with yourselves and don't just praise because she's your favorite author. You can be a reader, a fan, and a respectful critic all at the same time. Don't lower your expectations just because they can't deliver every time.

The trouble is that when you go back to TFG, in the acknowledgments, she herself wrote she wasn't sure there was going to be a third book. And now look, suddenly two books were announced a month or two after she released the last book of the trilogy which introduced our mains and not the most fashionably. I do believe she had ideas but I don't think they were the best fleshed out. You have to realize that just reading TGG, how many of you recognized the obvious plots, the romantic subplots, the character arcs, and even the semi-hidden plots just getting to the halfway point? And how many of you said, hey, wait a minute, we've had this plotline before? You did, didn't you? I want to give Jennifer the benefit of the doubt but I truly think she is in over her head because I don't believe she quite thought that this is how long the series would go.

In fact, I think that she is making more trouble for herself in trying multi POV for this new series when really I think it should have just been Gray taking over. It would have allowed us to see how he's grown especially after the heartache and mental health issues he's had to go through to get here. It felt like the obvious next step, even the summary for TGG made it sound like that. However, the only thing that seems new to me is the hypersexual atmosphere which also makes no sense to me because teens may go through attraction but that doesn't mean they're horny all the time and anyone who's gone through puberty can attest to that. So I ask again, like one reviewer on Goodreads put, were the romantic moments in the room with us? 12 hours is not love or romance, it's lust, that's it. Couldn't summarize it clearer. If she wanted to make it better, it could have been that she made the book stretch over a series of weeks which is why I wonder what the heck will happen to any character development if this book series is done in like 3 days?

As I said, a lot of things feel very repetitive, the plot, word choice, thought processes, quotes and sayings, etc. We are in a loop. She's in a loop. I think that the best thing JLB could have done is leave TIG alone for a few years after TFG, make a new series or whatever works outside this series she wanted to, give herself time to truly see if she has new stories to tell for TIG by writing a spin-off and then come back to give us that content. Because it's really telling how forced things have been in the last two books, even here with GU and I really think this empire is toppling. As they say, quality over quantity and thoughtful than full of thoughts that are just a variation of one another. That's what makes me think more and more she should have left it at TFG.

Thank you for reading and I hope this gives a new perspective that can help you see some things more clearly.

[damianbugs]

top 5 bruce and jason father-son moments?

5. DETECTIVE COMICS (1937) #596

this one is kind of nothingburger to others but it's everything to ME because i read into nothingburger things all the time. throughout bruce and jason's run as batman and robin a huge thing of notice is that in costume jason rarely ever calls bruce anything other than batman. take that as you will, secret identity shenanigans aside. but then:

this is followed by bruce busting out of the trap, saving them both AND calling him jay. it moves me everytime i read it.

4. BATMAN URBAN LEGENDS (2021)

okay im going to cheat a bit and include 2 (technically 3) moments here but they're from the same story so... i have many (MANY) issues with the cheer story but the part where jason calls out to bruce during a desperate situation, bruce shows up and jason seems genuinely surpised? FLOORED.

AND THEN. AND THEN. not only is jason's deepest joy bruce killing the joker and being a family, but bruce's deepest joy (that almost drove him mad enough to kill someone, btw) is ALSO KILLING THE JOKER AND RECONCILING WITH JASON. like goodbye. terrible awful plot with life ending revelations.

3. DETECTIVE COMICS (1937) #542

nocturna arc in general is probably one of the best jaybin arcs ever. but this moment right here...

i dont even need to add any thoughts just read this shit and really focus on the "i wouldn't shed a single tear if it [his wealth] all vanished [...] after they came and took jason away from me, i broke down and wept." "money is fine gentlemen, but it isnt real. right now only jason is real." and if it wasn't already ruining my life, the batsignal comes on while bruce is working with his lawyers to gain custody of jason again and he flat out refuses to leave because this is more important.

2. ROBIN 80TH ANNIVERSARY 100 PAGE SUPER SPECTACULAR: MORE TIME (2020)

i can't even formulate any words for this one it's just. world ending. i would add the entire thing if i could. jason "they could never make me hate bruce wayne" todd.

1. BATMAN: UNDER THE RED HOOD (2011)

in first place to the surpise of no one, i imagine. the comic entirely, yes, but specifically:

they spend literally every moment before this fighting. there is no trust. not a single moment of wavering doubt. UNTIL THIS. without evening thinking, jason takes up the role as robin and backs up batman by performing a move they've done for YEARS. jason jumps towards him and for a moment, doesn't doubt that bruce understands, and won't drop him. bruce later goes on to say that this particular move leaves his back exposed, which is where robin will usually be standing (since batman will act as a shield for the explosives he's thrown) (THAT ITSELF IS INSANE TO ME BUT WHATEVER) and for a moment wonders if red hood will take the opportunity to stab him in the back.

he doesn't.

[qveenpoppy]

things i noticed in my pilot rewatch:

wolf almost immediately grabs a glass of champagne when he walks into the wedding with his first patient. i know the show's hinted at him having drug issues, but maybe he has some alcohol ones too? (unless that idea was abandoned since the pilot was written/filmed.)

"except now we're prescribing drugs instead of taking them." "speak for yourself." yeah he's definitely still dealing with those drug issues. i feel like the show's mostly implied for that to be a past thing (we've only seen him take anything twice, to my memory? not counting 1x09's upcoming flashback sequence) but i wonder if/when that'll become an issue again (maybe another patient loss that hurts wolf harder than roman's did? like a father figure, that'll bring back his feelings of guilt over his dad's death?)

it's tiny but i feel like van's crush is hinted at here, with him offering ericka an extra pair of scrubs (while jacob cockily jokes about his being too big for her) and the way he sneaks a glance at her while she changes (not in a creepy way, it's like a nervous/shy kinda way).

he also smiles at her when she yells at jacob while they're searching for hannah's childhood home, after jacob un-empathetically says the kids would be better off with their dad (guess van likes strong women; girlboss/malewife vibes? lol)

"do i ever have to talk to him again?" (wolf talking about nichols.) lmao, you're gonna be in love with him in about 6 episodes from now. also someone write me some pilot era wolfnichols hate sex.

"name one person you like who's not a patient." "you, i like you!" he's so autism-coded ❤️

wolf still uses cassette tapes in his car (which is also quite old, since it still plays tapes), what a grandpa

carol has a picture with michelle obama in her office (not really an important thing to notice, but i thought it was cool)

there's a line in one of the flashbacks (apologies for not quoting it verbatim) from muriel about "keeping our differences to ourselves", which probably explains why wolf isn't super open about his facial blindness. (and probably applies to all of his other traits that make him "different", like his sexuality, or popularly headcanon'd autism. i mean, i know he's open about his sexuality now as an adult, perhaps as a way of rebelling against his mom, but, as we may see in more flashbacks, he probably kept it to himself for quite a while.)

van is completely frozen when hannah has her seizure, he even backs up a little when she falls out of her chair. probably didn't wanna touch her and experience a phantom seizure.

whoever directed the ep made zach & teddy look like they're the same height when nichols confronts wolf and kicks him off the case. i guess it keeps them, literally and figuratively, on the same level in the dispute. but now we all know that wolf's actually shorter, and it's funny how that's been primarily highlighted when they're fooling around with each other. (i know it's an intentional directing tactic, though, bc a similar thing was done in the batman v superman movie when bruce and clark stand eye to eye - henry cavill is also 3 inches shorter than ben affleck. emphasizing the height difference would imply a power imbalance, which you don't want in these sort of gray zone conflicts!)

"the only way this will work is if we open up to each other." [nichols walks by and catches wolf's eye] foreshadowing

(i don't mean just like foreshadowing their romance, but maybe also the impact that nichols will have on wolf, getting him to open up about his past and whatnot. same, perhaps, for nichols, since we still hardly know anything about his background, besides his military experience and implied own closeting.)

(could also quite easily and literally refer to their work relationship, as we learned from that interview with teddy that, despite their romantic connection, they're still going to have some disputes about patient treatments in future episodes/cases.)

[alexanderwales]

The second chapter of Save the Cat! is about genre, titled "Give me the same thing ... only different!". The general principle is one that I strongly agree with, even if I don't always practice it in my writing: you must know how and why things work in fiction, you must be a student of the realms you're writing in, you must give your own twists on clichés if you think you might be writing them, and must be familiar with clichés so that you don't end up boring people. Study things that are like the thing you're trying to create. Analyze them, take them apart, understand how they work or don't work.

But then a lot of the chapter is taken up with Snyder's own system of ten genres, and when I was reading it I wanted to just stop him and say "hey, what the fuck, did you even watch that movie?"

Also I laughed for like five minutes at him putting Schindler's List in the "Dude with a Problem" genre, even though I agree that according to his typology it completely fits.

I'm a huge fan of making up arbitrary categories and then stuffing things into them. I don't think it's often very useful, no, but it's fun, and when you're done shoving things into boxes, you can pull them back out, find a new set of boxes, and repeat the process. I'm not going to repeat Snyder's categories here, but I think they kind of suck, and don't accurately reflect genre as we understand them, and the whole thing would have been better off is it was taking story archetypes and saying why they work and then what the usual deviations from them were.

Here are two examples that I take issue with, among others. First, by his accounting Planes, Trains, and Automobiles is a "Golden Fleece" movie, the kind of film centered around a hero's journey where what he ends up finding is, ultimately, himself, and every set piece along the way is important only in the way it relates to the hero's self-acceptance or whatever.

No. Wrong. Planes, Trains, and Automobiles is very very clearly a "Buddy Love" under this system. Look at this fucking image:

Could this DVD cover make this any more obvious? Literally all the promotional material is like this. It even says in the book that most "Buddy Love" movies start with the "buddies" disliking each other, and that their relationship is central to the movie. And if Snyder is getting this wrong, what else is he getting wrong about his own system?

Example two. I'm just going to quote it in full:

Now look at The Matrix and compare and contrast it with the Disney/Pixar hit Monsters, Inc. Yup. Same movie.

Fucking what do you mean.

Under this system of genres, Monsters, Inc. is very clearly another "Buddy Love" movie. There's a kid they have to deal with, but most of the movie is grounded in the relationship between Mike and Sulley. Like, what's the low point of the whole movie? They get banished to the Himalayas and then have a big fight! It's about their relationship to each other!

(I looked this up on the savethecat website and found an article claiming that it's an example of "Monster in the House", which is fucking stupid, because what's the monster and what's the house? Just does not apply. The child is takes the role of the "monster" for such a small amount of the movie, then they're looking after her and trying to return her home, and even before that it's not relatable as a monster to the audience. Blake Snyder didn't write the article, so maybe he had something different in mind.)

Meanwhile, The Matrix most closely falls into either "Dude with a Problem" (ordinary man thrust into extraordinary circumstances) or "Superhero" (extraordinary man in ordinary circumstances) and I would argue that it's actually neither of those because it's a goddamned hero's journey and those are their own thing and it makes no sense to try to split them into two parts because you don't get more explanatory power of what's working and what's not. His analysis of what he calls "Superhero" films also sucks for that reason and just totally misses the mark about what makes them tick.

So how are these the same movie? I don't know, it probably made sense to Blake Snyder. I have done my due diligence and searched for answers online, but haven't found much, just some weak ass defenses.

Also, I really hated that he says Chinatown and Who Framed Roger Rabbit? are basically the same movie because no shit. Who Framed Roger Rabbit? is a parody of noir, and was adapted from the script for a never-produced third film in what was supposed to be a Chinatown trilogy. But even then, I don't get how you can say they're the same movie without pointing out the strong "Buddy Love" through line in Roger Rabbit!

This whole chapter was a total miss for me. Decent advice at the start that I've been hearing and preaching for a long time, but this typology sucks and he doesn't even seem to understand it (or the movies he's putting in it) very well. And since the typology sucks, it's a bad lens for understanding the underlying rules of writing, of story structure, the components of story, etc.

[nosvq]

If they gonna mention Tommy name with that much of weight from Buck and showing us Buck situation after the break up in two episodes to only write him off and not having him back in the future, maybe you should reflect on your choice and writing then.Maybe put extra effort and time to write better story for all the main characters and emergencies.

Why bringing back a character that you put such an efforts to write, make him a love interest for your main character to the point of the word "love, marriage" is involved and very important in one season and leading the audience with how you want to make it something to expect us brush it off and move on because you suddenly think they don't have a forever specs and suddenly Tommy is that kind of guys with unresolved baggage and unable to just sit down and talk things through with Evan and running away without much explanation is the solution. Buck is typical Buck and you just let Buck be impulsive and rushed things like he did before.

What is the point having an older guy as a love interest if older mean running away because you know how things end. So an older guy which is a gay and has a complicated past and making himself a better human does not have an ability to talk and discuss things. Lol. Suddenly Tommy is in different place and time. Hehhh

Forever is now. You can literally wrote them having a serious relationship. This series won't go that much longer too. Season 9, 10 maybe 12. We don't know the future and the forever. It seemed to me they don't want to have Eddie and Buck in a very grounded and serious relationship unlike the other main characters. Eddie has his own issues and path they lay down for him. For Buck, even if they wanted that serious relationship, they're telling me Tommy Kinard is not forever specs. Lol

They literally have season 7 and episode 5 to show how important Tommy is and how this relationship can go into so deep and mentioning his name in episode 7 and 8 with that much of weight and showing how Buck is still thinking about him, craving for his presence in his life yet he has the ball to say all those words in his interview like he wasn't the one with the power to choose.

[levandright]

im a very introverted person who takes a long while to get close n comfortable with people, but when im really close i turn into the weirdest, and most spontaneous person ever. i generally have a hard time trusting others due to issues from the past, and don't easily forgive ppl if they did me wrong. i tend to not take care of myself properly, and forget to eat properly. my love languages are quality time and physical touch.

‎im an aries, my ideal type is someone who can match my energy and shares the same interest, opinions and values on important things. someone who's kind and respectful to everyone but not touchy with people except close friends.

‎i love love childhood friends to lovers and trouples similar to that! im on the aromantic spectrum (demiromantic) so i need to know/been friends with the person before feelings develop. i love winter, and my fav hobbies are: reading, playing games, painting and dancing!

‎enha or dream <3 and a playlist for me! (thank you in advance pooks, hope your day is well 💜)

FINDING YOUR MATCH...

MATCH FOUND! your first match is... MARK LEE

MARK'S first impression of you was that you were the shy and quiet type, but that quickly changed after knowing you for a few months. your slow transition of shy, and introverted to loud, and spontaneous was quite the surprise if you asked him. he found it quite cute how you showed your true personality as you got to know each other more though!

MARK noticed that you seemed to hide things when you first met, but when you guys finally got together and told him how you had a hard time trusting people because of your past he's understanding about it! he makes it known that whatever you tell him will be kept between you two only.

MARK worries how you don't take yourself well, he will make you promise to him that you'll start eating better, and start treating yourself better in general. makes sure he takes the time to message you on his free time, and breaks to check up on you even in his hectic schedules!

MARK will always make sure he has time for you even with all the comebacks, and promotions on his way. when you guys are out on dates, he always has his hands holding your hands. but oftentimes, you guys will be just at home laying in bed cuddling, and basking in each other's presence while watching a show or movie.

MARK loves to go out on walks with you during winter, and drink hot chocolate together <3 cuddling in your bedroom while you rewatch classic christmas movies.

MARK loves watching you when you're painting, your focused expression being so cute to his eyes. he would love to hear you talk about your favorite books, and maybe he'll give it a read too when he's interested in the story(totally not to talk about it with you) will teach you the steps of some of their songs when you ask him too. will be so so patient when you struggle with a certain step, and would break the steps down in an easier way for you to get it <3

MATCH FOUND! your second match is... PARK JONGSEONG

JAY is such a gentleman, always always has you as one of his top priorities. when he's back home, not busy with tours, promotions, and back to back comebacks he's at your apartment cooking for the both of you. SPOILS you to heaven and back (get it? chase atlantic heaven and back? sorry i'll stop-), sometimes you worry how much money he spends on you... books you've been wanting to read, painting materials you ran out of and the list goes onnnnn.

JAY asks you to teach him how to paint! he loves watching you paint, but he loves it even more if he can join you <3 he wouldn't be as good as you, but he'd do his best to try and paint you! you always praise him for trying his best, and he LOVES it. enjoys going out on picnic dates where you can both paint!

JAY would teach you how to play the guitar if you showed interest in learning it! is a good teacher. probably gets distracted when you're focused on playing the guitar with your eyebrows furrowing, and your adorable focused look. he'll randomly kiss your cheek sometimes which breaks your focus, and turn you into a huge blushing mess once you realize what he did.

your custom playlist made by yours truly <3

✮ lev notes : first matchup for my moot honeychocos <3 hope you love this oomf, had a fun time thinking of your match hehe. i will note that i will write at least 2 matches in reqs with two or more groups but the 2nd matchup will have less content than the first one. ✮ want to find your own match? apply here! curious about other matches?

[creepycranberry]

Orange juice

Rafe Cameron x reader

Kind of Platonic! Kie x Rafe?

Warnings: talk of alcoholism, drug use, grief, depression, pregnancy, rehab, parental issues, spoilers (?),not proofread, let me know if there’s more.

->->->->->->

Rafe knew Christmas wouldn’t exactly be ideal this year, he had tried his best to do the same as his family had done his whole childhood- sans the family.

Sarah was going to be giving birth soon so Christmas at theirs was small, Rafe had gotten the baby a gift as well as something for his little sister.

He decided to drop off the gifts a couple weeks before Christmas.

“Why are you dropping these off now?” Sarah asked, attempting to crouch to put the presents under the tree that she already had put up. Rafe took them from her and set them under the tree himself, “and who’s this third one for?”

“Kie.” Rafe clears his throat.

“Kie?”

“Yeah. Figured she’d had a pretty hard year. And I’m gonna be headed out of town around actual Christmas and I don’t know if I’ll see you before then so I thought I’d drop them off today.” He shrugs, itching the back of his head.

“What is it?” Sarah asks, looking at the poorly wrapped box, the snowman print crinkled in a way that made the snowmen’s faces seem oddly distorted.

“Nothing important.” Rafe shrugs, “I just- it’s nothing.”

“Okay. Well thank you for the gifts.” Sarah smiles, “where are you going for Christmas?”

“Just gonna be on the mainland for a few days. Business stuff.”

“Are you going to see her?”

“Who?” Rafe badly feigns cluelessness.

“Rafe.”

“Yeah. I am.” He conceded, “She thinks she may be ready to come back this year. Or that’s what Marjories telling me.”

Sarah smiles and begins folding the basket of freshly washed clothing. Over the last few months her and Rafe have become somewhat closer. Rafe had felt the need to help protect snd provide for Sarah and his niece or nephew. Last time he was over she was attempting to clean baseboards. Every time he comes over she seems to be doing something different to prepare her home “just in case the baby comes early.

Rafe thinks she’s become too used to things not going to plan.

And over the months as he’s come to visit Sarah he’s seen Kie more and more. She never talks much, if at all, but she’s less resentful towards him. And Rafe can’t find it in him to resent her when she always looks depressed, like she’s missing something. And he supposes she is.

“They’re letting you talk to her?” Sarah asks.

“She’s been out of the rehabilitation center for a while and she’s been living with her aunt. She’s Not exactly under lock and key.” Rafe retorts.

“You just haven’t mentioned talking to her in a few years.” Sarah shrugs, using her stomach to set a shirt on as she spoke, “I wasn’t sure if you were out of contact by choice or by like circumstances.”

“Well I’ve been somewhat preoccupied and I- I didn’t want her to know how I’d been the last few years. I want her to know me now, you know?”

“I get it.” Sarah says.

She seemed gentler now more than usual. It might have been the pregnancy but something in her was put at ease when they got back home. Rafe thought that perhaps if something else were to happen she would finally have an excuse to stay back, that her duty to her child would outweigh her loyalty to John B.

Or maybe it was just the pregnancy.

The sound of soft footsteps down the hallway catch rafe and Sarah’s attention. The both look up the see Kie pattering into the living room, wearing a tshirt that was clearly not hers.

Rafe was pretty sure he knew who it belonged to though, “hey, Kie.” He smiles easily, trying to make his presence in her home feel less invasive.

“Rafe. What’s going on?” Kie sighs, leaning against the doorframe.

“Just dropping off Christmas presents.”

“Isn’t that like a bit from now?” Kie asks.

“It’s in a week and a half.” Sarah smiles. She was used to Kies perception of time being off. It had been like this for months.

“Oh,” Kie clears her throat, clearly somewhat embarrassed.

“Creeped up on me too.” Rafe offers and Kie nods.

“Good to know,” she tried her best to smile and return rafe’s politeness. She was still getting used to him being on their side. She had to remind herself that he didn’t want to be their enemy, “Sarah, are there still leftovers from the other night?”

“I hid a smaller container away from the boys. It’s in the vegetable drawer.”

Kie smiles at Sarah and waves awkwardly to Rafe, turning and heading into the kitchen.

“Has she uh, been doing any better?” Rafe asks. He had listened to Sarah ramble about her anxiety towards Kies grief, he knew if there was good news to report it would give Sarah some sense of hope but if there wasn’t at least he could revel in the fact that Sarah is confiding in him again.

“Depends on what you mean by better but she’s more functional.”

“I’m glad.” Rafe says, seemingly surprising Sarah. She wasn’t used to him being genuine quite yet, “functional is a good step forward. I uh- I would know.”

Sarah smiles at him like she used to and it makes his heart jump. He went into this with the intention to fix his family for his father, but in the process he just remembered how much he loved her when they were little. Now it was more for human connection than anything to do with his father’s wishes.

Rafe excuses himself from the house and gets in his truck, letting the engine run for a minute to warm him up before he starts driving.

->->->->->->

You sat in the car with your aunt, silence thick between the two of you. Your parents had given up on you entirely after you had gone to the hospital with alcohol poisoning after sneaking out and not coming home for days. Aunt Marnie took you in. Flew you to New York, put you into a smaller teen rehab situation and you stayed there for months before actually being able to move in with her.

She wasn’t one to let you slip up, she kept you going to meetings and therapy. Conversation wasn’t either of your strong suit, you had a shared understanding of one another and were content being in each others presence.

“The Cameron boy called.” Your aunt informs you and your eyebrows shoot up.

“He called you?” Aunt Marnie nods and you shake your head, “radio silence for three years and then he calls you?”

“He asked about coming down for Christmas and possibly taking you home for a couple weeks to visit.”

“What did you say?”

“I told him we’d see how Christmas went. And that he’d have to speak to you about it of course.”

You stew for a few Minutes and aunt Marnie waits, knowing you’ll say what you’re wanting to in time.

“Three years and now he wants to visit?” You ask incredulously, cynicism lacing your words.

“He sounds better than he was the last time I spoke to him.” She informs you and you shake your head.

“He’s such an ass.” You mumble, “and he couldn’t even contact me directly about it?”

“From what I understand the last few years have been hard on him. His father died not too long ago, let’s not forget.” Marnie always tried to see the other side of things. She was eccentric and positive and no nonsense.

“But what about before that? Before all of that shit?”

“Language, young lady.” Marnie warns and you press your lips into a thin line, “and that’s a question for him. Just hear him out before you let your anger get the best of you.”

You nod and look out the window. The snow was falling in a thick white haze. You hated New York when you first moved here. It was too crowded and the people were rude and traffic was hell.

But then one day you were sitting on the balcony at the rehabilitation home and you were painting. It was cold, you had your comforter wrapped around you tightly and a hot cup of coffee. The place Marnie put you in was unconventional at best. It wasn’t even really an official rehab center you just didn’t know what else to call it.

It was the home of an old woman your Aunt was friends with. There were only a few other kids there. It was quiet for the most part, it was relaxing and enjoyable at times.

Miss Leigh had a long list of rules, she didn’t allow many kinds of medicine, she was very against soda and she didn’t take shit from anyone. She checked rooms once a day to make sure no one had anything they shouldn’t have and she made sure to be very hands on in the healing process of the kids she took in.

Her son had died at nineteen from alcohol and drug use and she had dedicated her life from that point to helping kids like him. You weren’t sure if it was legally considered a rehab or even a business but it worked for you.

Each person there was on a schedule fitted to them. Yours involved a lot of distractions, hobbies, and chores. Distractions seemed to work for you so you didn’t think about the mental and physical toll that withdrawal was having on you. You read when you woke up, helped with lunch, ate lunch, helped clean the kitchen, took a walk, painted, helped Miss Leigh with her flower beds, helped with dinner ate dinner, sometimes dessert and then you would sit on the porch with Miss Leigh until her bedtime and then you painted some more. And then once a week your aunt would pick you up and take you to therapy, then to dinner and then back to Miss Leigh’s.

you painted outside mainly, listening to the birds and one of the records from Miss Leigh’s extensive collection and trying to keep from thinking about your parents or how much you wanted a drink and a blunt or a certain blonde haired girl and her brother.

It had been cold for weeks but there hadn’t been any snow, despite Miss Leigh sitting in the kitchen every day saying that today would be the day. It was dark outside and Miss Leigh had already gone to bed. The lights were on in the garden where two of the other kids sat on the fenced in patio with a chess board.

You were focused on your painting, humming along to a record when you heard some laughter and squealing in the garden. And when you looked you realized snow was falling heavily. You’d never seen snow this heavy before. You completely abandoned your painting to watch it fall. You watched it until you fell asleep and you ended up sick for days after but you didn’t mind so long as you could sit at your window and watch the snow fall.

You’d wanted to call Rafe about it so badly but you wouldn’t be able to actually talk to him until you went to live with your aunt officially.

You found yourself wanting to call him all of the time, more than you thought to when you lived in the same town as him. You never had to call him really, he was always there.

You missed it.

[redishsunflowers]

as a queer girl, throughout my obsession with arcane I've felt a much bigger pull towards the not cannon yaoi ship that is jayvik rather than the canon yuri ship that is caitvi, and this has made me feel kind of icky about myself lol.

i felt that i was being pulled into the grasp of patriarchy because i felt more compelled towards the shipping of two men than the relationship of two women. i also was nervous that im just a mlm fetishizer bc i like a lot of mlm media but that another story of wlw having so much less media than mlm. all of these fears are here bc im mentally ill and have problems i probably need to be medicated for but it wasnt until i saw someone's post abt why they feel ppl are more obsessed with jayvik than caitvi that i stopped feeling so icky abt myself lol.

they basically said that jayvik was written better than caitvi and basically the whole of act 2 had absolutely nothing to do with caitvi and everything to do with jayvik.

think when it comes to canon queer relationships sometimes writers forget to bring the depth and just bank on the fact that its a canon queer relationship and thats not the most common thing, but when it comes to two characters being shipped usually theyre being shipped bc of the obv closeness their relationship has and the depth in their relationship is just too hard to ignore so ppl ship them.

theres a reason jayvik are shipped and thats bc the writers wrote a duo that care more for eachother than anything else and are basically the cause and the saving grace of the whole show, while caitvi are canon and are complex and beautiful in so many ways but are kinda just put on the back burner especially in season 2. caitvi had other things they were doing other than developing their romantic relationship while jayce and viktor's whol existence at this point revolved around eachother in one way or another. im not saying caitvi shouldve been the point of the show bc its not supposed to be a romance, i just think, again, they balanced things rlly badly this season. first season their relationship was obviously there but their mission was the most important part of the show and season 2, they just kinda got back together without even talking abt their issues, and that just felt so wrong. jayvik talked things out, we saw them make up and it made sense. caitvi made up by going on a mission together then not even talking abt the biggest problems in their relationship and the writers just expect us to feel like theyre back to normal? noooooo. give us more. man this sucks. luv em to death (caitvi) but i miss them deeply.

[applysome]

I’ve now been lucky enough to see Miles Kane with my own eyes (and ears) twice in two days and have been able to form more coherent thoughts (though this will still be a massive ramble!). Long post warning split up by sections so you can skim to whatever interests you!

For ease:

N1 = Night One Thursday

N2= Night Two Friday

Note: all of the below are my observations, perceptions, and speculations, I could very well be wrong about some or all things.

Crowd

Both nights I arrived fifteen minutes before Miles was due on. N1 the crowd was sparse, apart from the venue floor there were large tiered steps and a balcony, and everyone seemed to be spread out. N2 was much busier, the floor, tiered steps and balcony were all packed out. I suspect this may be to do with the Thursday / Friday and 8pm / 9pm effect. Both nights I got myself three rows back from the barrier, stage left (N2 took a little more manouvering!).

The crowd on both nights was a good mix of teenagers/early twenties, people my age (thirties) and men in their fifties. Most of the older men were back on the tiered steps and from previous experience at shows, aren’t as vocal as the younger fans (I’ve observed this over the years watching Maximo Park, I’d recommend checking their music out if you haven’t already!).

N1 Miles takes to the stage greeted by a few cheers and applause and starts to play. Not much singing along or dancing on my side apart from a few of us. Muted cheers at the end of the song. A few songs in and I’m disappointed by the crowd’s reaction; although Miles is giving his all, I feel like I can see a little disappointment on his face too. This is his homecoming show, everyone here should be really up for it. A few people on the barrier in front of me talk to each other frequently right in his eye line. It takes about two thirds of the set list for the crowd to properly warm up and bringing out Dave McCabe from The Zutons gets the loudest reaction and sing along of the night. I tried to be as responsive and loud as I could but I’m only one person.

N2 Miles takes to the stage greeted with thunderous applause, cheers, screaming, the full works. Thirty seconds in he already looks much happier than he did on N1. At several points between songs when Miles stops to catch his breath the crowd is so loud all he can do is stand there and take it in. He was visibly emotional at several points throughout at the crowd’s reaction and a few spontaneous chants of “Miles Fucking Kane” really put a smile on his face. Much more singing, especially in the call and response parts of his songs. Definitely the homecoming show he deserved.

Also noteworthy, I didn’t see anyone from N1 on N2. Although a small sample size of where I was stood in the crowd, I expected a few people would go to both shows. Perhaps there were some people more central or on the steps/balcony.

Appearance and Performance

We all love Miles primarily for his talent but let’s be honest, the man is also stunning. But I wasn’t prepared for how attractive he would be in real life up close. It was a little distracting at times on N1 😅. By N2 I was more prepared! Miles looked great as always and certainly knows how to work those boots. As someone who can’t wear heels at all I must admit I’m a little envious!

N1 his moves were still there and he was giving his all as always, but N2 he really went for it, obviously spurred on by the crowd’s reaction. Cardio is sometimes overlooked I think but is so important for singers, especially ones who dance or are very active on stage. Again from experience watching Muse a lot over the years, I could tell when Matt Bellamy had let his cardio slip, struggling to hold notes for as long, singing more in chest voice than belting and so on. Miles had none of these issues which is impressive given his asthma and being a heavy smoker. Obviously the boxing is working!

Performance wise, I have high expectations and can be quite critical because a lot of my favourites (again - Muse, Maximo Park) are spot on live. Across both nights there weren’t any vocal issues, missed notes, absolutely nothing. Just pure passion, excitement, dedication, determination, even when the crowd wasn’t as vocal on N1. Flawless, faultless performances.

Setlist

The set list was the exact same across both nights which I was a bit surprised at, even down to Dave McCabe with Miles on bass and the support act Ellis Murphy playing harmonica in Come Closer which was a nice addition. I wondered if the choice to keep the set list the same will be something going forward for the rest of the tour or if it was just so everyone in Liverpool had the same experience. Regardless it was a good mix of songs with Come Closer, Coup de Grace, Cry on My Guitar and Inhaler getting the biggest reactions of the night.

It was great to hear Shavambacu live though I don’t think everyone gave it the appreciation it deserved! As others have shared, the set list choice of Shavambacu - See Ya When I See Ya - Colour of the Trap was… a choice. Also nice to hear Counting Down the Days which is such a platonic song… Might have been nice to hear My Fantasy or Kingcrawler one night instead but overall no complaints! Forever holding out hope he will play Ransom or Wrong Side of Life!

Other Notable Moments

During Never Taking Me Alive on N2, Miles seemed particularly amped up proclaiming “From day one Liverpool, been doing things my own fucking way”. Maybe he’s here amongst us following yesterday’s discussion (see my previous post) 🤣 but in all seriousness it was amazing to see Miles happy, rocking the stage and getting the reception he deserves, being unashamedly himself with his heels, leopard print amps and turtle plushie.

During Come Closer on N2, someone threw a turtle plushie onto the stage and Miles proceeded to balance it on his head for the last call and response of the song, quite impressive whilst singing animatedly!

Miles on bass during You Will You Won’t on both nights was really quite something (petition for more of this please) and I could tell he was genuinely excited to be playing with Dave McCabe.

One of the teenage girls in front of me excitedly proclaimed to her friends a few times that Miles had looked at her. Well we all know really he was actually looking over her head at me 🤣 a tiny part of my delusional brain feels like he saw me both nights and “recognised” me on N2, as I was wearing the same jacket in the same spot. But really I think this is just the Miles Kane effect; his ability to connect with the audience on a personal level, making you feel like he’s playing just for you even in a room of hundreds of people.

At the end of N2, Miles lingered on stage for longer and jumped down into the crowd for handshakes and hugs (sadly not on my side!) and generally soaked up the overwhelming response from the crowd which was truly deserved.

Overall Thoughts

If you’ve made it this far you’re a trooper! Be rewarded by my very poor quality photographs (I am short and there were a lot of heads in the way!)

Miles is a born performer who gave everything he had both nights, even when the crowd wasn’t as receptive on N1. I’ve been to a lot of shows in the last twenty years and these are genuinely some of the best I’ve seen. You can just tell how much he loves music, performing and being on stage, I had a huge smile on my face throughout both shows. I know this isn’t always the case as some artists become tired or jaded and see it as “just a job”.

Best of all, I didn’t hear anyone so much as mention TLSP or anyone affiliated with them anywhere around me. Everything on both nights, but particularly N2 was about Miles Fucking Kane, as it should be.

I’m so grateful I got to see him live at all, let alone twice for his homecoming shows and I’m so happy Miles got the overwhelmingly positive reaction he deserves on N2. As a new fan (April 2024) I just hope he continues to gain momentum and grow in popularity from here.

Hopefully for Miles, The Best is Yet to Come.

[skarkkk]

First, Brad Torrence.

He's a more complex character than he seems. The news of him being a father and having distanced himself from his son to try to pursue this pilot thing is in a way like Eddie. Who ran away to the army. The scene of the guy wanting to kill himself and him having that conversation and in the end actually managing to save him, compared to the conversation he had with Eddie also shows that he's more sensitive about his own importance than he acts with that superiority (like in that scene with the attendant).

Second, Eddie Diaz.

(I won't go into as much detail as I want because I plan on making another post, it's too much trauma for just one).

Starting with his relationship with Chris and how it's going downhill, his distance and how he probably doesn't want to become like his own parents, leaving his son to raise himself alone, hating his father (which is fair, but come home, honey). I read about Ryan's possible exit and although this thing about him moving to Texas to create the perfect exit doesn't make sense either. Since the second season he has been a main character, and him leaving the series would mean sending him to Texas and ignoring anything involving what will happen there in his relationship with his parents and also with Chris. I would love to see him go to El Paso and return with his son, to their house, to their Buck. I would love him going to El Paso and being recognized as "Hotshot's #1 hot nurse" and it also serving as an opening for some guy (maybe a blue-eyed blond) to flirt with him and Eddie having an Oh.

Third, let's talk about the couch teory and kitchen.

The look on Buck's face when he sat down on the couch and truly realized what was about to happen, it wasn't him helping his best friend pick out a new house, it was him helping his partner pick out a new house in another state. And that he would never go back to that couch - his safe place - or to that house after Eddie leaves and that he will never truly see his best friend again after this, nor his son (because that's what Chris is). We have, for the first time, two scenes of them together on that couch, technically one, but considering. Post-breakup Buck + finding happiness again Eddie, Post-breakup relapse Buck + going after happiness (son) Eddie. Buck, abandonment issues in bold capital letters and underlined on his forehead, picking out a house where his best friend is going to try to reconnect with the son they both lost. Do you think he blames Eddie for a moment? I lost what I considered a son and now I'm going to lose you because of it. He went and you're going to follow and they're going to leave me here. About the kitchen, it's basically how important it is. We talked about how Buck feels comfortable showing up at his house out of nowhere, walking in and going straight to the kitchen and the cabinets. We talked about "your own privacy, but not with me", and how the signs are there.

"Do you wanna go for the title?"

"It's Eddie's house, I'm not really a guest"

"Do you remember anything about the shooting?"

"Eddie, who's Kim?"

"Aren't these homes out of your budget in LA?".

Their kiss itself has to be there, or on the couch.

Fourth, if Buddie doesn't happen, it will either be because the producers are afraid or because the characters are afraid.

Something along the lines of "I can't be his first because then I won't be his last." Tommy left and Eddie leaves for completely different reasons, but this is Buck. And "why do I feel worse about you leaving than I do about my boyfriend?" and we know it will be like that. He liked Tommy, of course, and they were a couple, but 6 months of dating and dating is nothing compared to the years of mutual trust and family development that Eddie and Buck have had, it's a slow burn in which they built this (non)platonic partnership of theirs, in which they both feel so comfortable in each other's homes. And I don't doubt for a second that it's entirely possible for a scene like that to happen, if the show goes down a path for Buddie, in true 911 style that will either be super emotional and traumatic or comedic and cute. If you go down the path where both have feelings but don't become a couple because of fear, it would be for that reason for Buck + "I can't lose my best friend" and for Eddie the baggage of Catholic guilt he has plus the repressed homosexuality boiling in Texas

Fifth, Graham Keye and Athena Grant.

I thought their scenes were so cute. Graham seemed like a bit of a pain in the ass with the little cars, on the one hand it's okay to demand things be done the right way, on the other hand people just want to go home after a purchase. Leaving aside the plot of the culprit being Ira (or whatever his real name is), we see the difference between Athena's treatment of Sparks and him. Her calling him a baby in the hospital scene cured mommy issues all over the world, because his family doesn't even know he's in the hospital and almost died, because she was honest about him not being able to be a cop and that she presented him with an opportunity, something that probably (due to the person he is, and the context of the story presented) shouldn't have happened before. The culprit not being that big guy in plaid was pretty satisfying because it would be so obvious and boring if it were, so they go there and put the old man who Graham was trying to kind of help in his own way

Sixth, 118 and Hotshot's.

Chimney as a doctor was hot as hell, but thinking about it now, what would Maddie's reaction be? Considering that her abusive ex-husband was a doctor, but Chim is the cutest and perfect man for her. Eddie and Buck as nurses and their uniforms match perfectly, Buck's uniform showing off his muscles, Eddie clumsy on the set, Henrietta being a queen as always, and Brad going by what she said. Because I love that they did this "this wouldn't happen in real life" thing and I keep thinking, the things you guys do probably wouldn't happen in real life either. The scene at the beginning, them watching the show and giving their opinions and how Eddie automatically brought Buck into it with the F word and Buck's super expressive reaction to it, plus Hen and Chim being passive

"I liked the song"

"It's a good show"

(I don't remember Chim's line )

Seventh, Buddie again.

How Buck realized so quickly that Eddie was hiding the tablet and going on an ordeal that seems so flirtatious, and how Eddie can't lie to him. Even if 911 doesn't bring it up that often, Eddie was trained in the army, he enlisted twice and came back alive both times. From what I know about the US military (basically just from the series), he should be able to lie even under torture and yet he opens his mouth whenever Buck asks him to.

Eighth, the next episode.

According to the plot, we have a serial killer who will go after Maddie. And she is pregnant, and this will probably generate more trauma depending on whether she knew the person because "she could have hurt our child and it would be my fault", and she probably does. You can see in a scene from the preview that the person who took Maddie is a woman, who knows where she lives and who managed to get into her house. A woman with medium-long brown hair. We will know if she shows up earlier and why in the next episode, but still. Is it because of Chim? Because of the son? A random choice? I want to see the reaction, especially from her husband and her brother. Mainly from the brother actually, because Chim is her husband and they have a daughter but he was in the hospital recovering the first time this happened (not disregarding what he felt during Maddie's kidnapping by Doug, but he had been stabbed and probably slept most of it). Buck had to deal with going after her and worrying about Chim, and Doug, and everything that happened. And now it's happening again and it's maybe worse, because it's a serial killer, someone who doesn't just want Maddie for himself but wants murder and has experience in that. And I want a comfort scene with Buck and Chim, them bonding even more and a recreation of the hospital scene when Eddie comes to talk to Buck after Athena puts him in "hospital jail" for trying to unlock Chim's phone. I want Maddie to be okay, as well as the baby, and I want to see how they're going to deal with Jee.

[lucedilunax]

Nervous (in a good way) - A. Fantilli

Songs masterlist

song: Nervous (in a good way) - Mae Muller

pairing: Adam Fantilli x fem!reader

summary: Adam almost failed lecture but this pushed him into her and wanting to make her his

warning: none

words: 1.3k

note: two songs left👀

masterlist

---

She and Adam were attempting the same classes. He was focused so much on hockey that he almost failed one subject. Their professor told him to ask her to help him with a project and studying for an exam that was coming up. When his eyes laid on her, he was happy to do it. She gladly accepted his offer to help him with this.

It started with weekly study dates. Super fast they became friends and have been hanging out almost every single day. They develop feelings for each other but she told Adam that she’s not ready to get into relationship. He was disappointed but made this his mission to prove himself to her. Their relationship can be summed up by he fell first, she fell harder. 

Adam never thought that failing classes can bring him to the love of his life but he was thankful for that. They were coming from different worlds but they shared the same feelings and could understand each other without words. That was the most important thing for both of them. 

You said your house wasn’t far, “So come over”

She and Adam were coming back from their date. However it was still an early hour so he proposed to go to his room in college. She wasn’t sure about this idea. They haven’t been dating and wanted to take it slowly and see when it leads them. That’s why she was avoiding meeting him in his dorm. 

Adam saw her reaction and quickly said that no one was there because everyone went to a party. After debating, she agreed. They went to his dorm and as a real gentleman, he opened the door for her. They didn’t do anything special. He played a movie and they spent two hours commenting on every scene. 

When the movie ended, Adam proposed to drive her home. It was almost midnight and she knew that he had training tomorrow so he had to wake up early. She said that she can get back home by herself but he wasn’t too certain about letting her go at night. That’s why he insisted on driving her back. She knew there’s no point of arguing so she just nodded and let him guide her.

And the boys before loved to play their games

She had feelings for Adam. She appreciated him and all the things he was doing for her. Although she had bad memories from a previous relationships, that’s why she was scared to trust him fully and label what’s between them. He understood that and didn’t push her. He was waiting for the moment when she’ll be ready. 

Her trust issues were coming from all the guys she was flirting with back in high school. She was opening for them but they always left her without a word. She felt like she was just a part of a game for other guys. That's why she closed her heart and didn’t want to repeat it again. With Adam, it felt different, but she needed time. 

Yeah, you make me nervous

But in a good way

She felt so natural with Adam’s company. Nothing was forced and he was easy to talk with. She loved sharing his interests with him knowing that he doesn’t have a clue about them. He always listened to her stories with passion and asked her questions. At first, she was shy when he was asking her about everything but with time, she found it cute. She felt finally appreciated.

Sometimes, it made her nervous when she was around him. Adam had a great memory and he would ask her about things she told him weeks earlier. Many times, she was taken aback because she thought that he was asking her out of politeness but he genuinely cared about her and her stories. In those moments, she knew that he’s the right guy for her. 

I put my head on your chest 

And I felt your heart racing

One night, Adam came to her after his match. She was surprised to see him in front of her door but also was delighted that he trusted her enough to show up. It was a tough loss and she was willing to help him get over it. He laid in her bed and she did the same. She played a movie but when he hadn't said a word, she knew it was bad because he was always yapping during movies.

They haven’t been touchy. Adam didn’t want to throw himself into her personal space and she didn’t want to ruin their dynamic. This time, she risked it and cuddled into him. He gladly hugged her. She put her head on his chest and focused on his breath. They just laid in her bed cuddling and watching movie. After a couple of minutes, he thanked her for this. She hadn’t said anything, only clinged into him. 

I can make you nervous 

But in a good way

Adam never was a shy guy. He was outgoing and willing to make new friends but with her it felt different. When she was giving him compliments after his games or his looks, he was timid. From other people it felt normal but the moment she said it, he got all red. She meant a world to him and it was bizarre to him to hear those things from her mouth. 

His brother saw the effect she had on Adam. He knew that he fall hard for her because he never saw him this shy and nervous. It wasn’t uncommon for him to giggle after receiving messages from her. Luca was happy that his younger brother finally found someone who made him this way and hoped for them to work out. 

My cheeks turn red, ‘cause I get shy

With time, she opened on Adam. She was grateful for having him and they’ve been spending plenty of nights talking. He always found time for her in his busy schedule. His favorite thing was giving her compliments, pep talks and gifts. He loved seeing her so shy but the most he adored the way her cheeks were turning red from his affection towards her.

First time when Adam asked her out on a date, she was all red. She didn’t expect that and she tried to cover it. He laughed at this sight, making a mental note at her reaction. This was the view he wanted to see every day. In that moment, she fell for her seeing how she reacted to him. None of the girls ever reacted this way and he knew that she’s special. 

You start to stutter, can’t find your words

After the draft, Adam knew he had to ask her to be official. He didn’t want to lose her when he moved out. That’s why he planned a date in their favorite spot. He was nervous, not really sure if she would agree. He knew the risk of a long distance relationship but he needed her by his side. This whole year proved to him that she’s made for him.

On their date, Adam was a bundle of nerves. He didn’t know what to do or say. In casual situations, it was easier for him but he knew she deserved a princess treatment. When he saw her in a dress entering the restaurant, he was at a loss for words. He swore that he never saw such a beautiful woman. 

Adam couldn’t find the proper words to compliment her and was looking on her with such love. She felt nervous when he hadn’t spoken to her, thinking that she’s looking bad but she pushed the thoughts and started asking about his draft. He felt like he was ripped out of transe. From this moment, everything went smoothly until he knew that he needed to ask the question.

Adam started talking about their friendship and how grateful he was for meeting her. She was looking at him expecting the worst, but when he asked her to be his girlfriend, she froze. After a couple of nervous seconds, she agreed. She knew that he’s the best guy for her.

[mysterious-dark-shadow]

I sometimes re-read posts from "The Before Times": from before the Sewage Flood of '22, before we discovered the Slow Methane Leak that had been gassing the house for YEARS, before Felix was officially diagnosed with HOLE IN THE BRAIN.

This specific post was during a time when we were desperately trying to figure out why things were getting better in some ways and so much worse in others. Felix especially was dealing with mental and physical issues that should have gotten better after he quit his super stressful job.

The information we have now doesn't invalidate the conclusions Felix came to in the original post: his hormones were all over the place & his diet needed changing. And responding to those issues helped eliminate some symptoms that were specifically related to those problems. The changes helped him have a clearer head a year later when I ended up going crazy* from methane overexposure.

The fact that we had been working with doctors for several years actually helped us out a lot when it came to Felix's migraines. When we finally got to a neurologist, he could see that we weren't chasing painkillers. He ordered the MRI for Felix's head that we had been trying to get for soo long. And fought insurance to give us the prescription that actually made a difference in the severity of the migraines Felix suffers from.

And today we have a much better handle on our physical and mental health. We learned how to talk to each other about what's going on in our heads. We learned so much about how to help each other physically. We know what it looks like when one/both of us are suffering from methane exposure, and how to get the gas out of our living environment, so we can actually unpack boxes of stuff that we haven't touched since early 2022.

We are literally getting our past back. There are art projects that Felix was in the middle of that were boxed up alongside the reference books that were sitting on the same table. Trinkets and keepsakes that were on the shelves of bookcases and cabinets from our adventures, separately & together, are finding new spaces in our apartment. Our dried boutonnieres from our wedding day were briefly on display and then quickly put in a cabinet because our cats are rose-eating monsters.

Sometimes I wish I could reach back in time to 2020-2021 us, but I don't know what I'd say. What we went through in 2022 was horrific. We are still picking up the pieces. What kind of warning could prepare past-us for what was to come?

And then I remember a strange encounter we had early in 2021. We were in the beginning stages of our channeling experiments. I was the channeler for a specific entity that had previously given us advice that had turned out to be prophetic, so Felix at some point asked them, "What is the most important thing we should know for our future?" The entity made a painful grimace that made my face ache for a few hours afterwards, then said, "Keep going. No matter what happens, just... Keep. Going." They refused to elaborate, and Felix dismissed the entity soon afterwards. We were puzzled by the cryptic nature of the message and the swirling mass of negative emotions - anguish, fear, anger, regret - that my body felt at the moment the entity grimaced. But we followed the advice, reminding each other that we should "keep going" when times were difficult and situations seemed impossible to overcome.

I now realize that I don't have to reach back in time to warn anyone. Someone else already did. And now I pass on that advice to you in hopes that it helps you as it has helped us so many times:

Keep going. No matter what happens, just... Keep. Going. _____________

*I'm not using that phrase lightly. I completely lost touch with reality and ended up in a hospital psych ward for 12 hours. The hospital didn't handle me well (symptoms hand-waved as "THC overdose" with no tests confirming that diagnosis...), but the event did shock me back into reconnecting with reality again.

Having Mental Illness

It’s hard to talk about my experience with mental illness sometimes because I’m not diagnosed by a professional for “everything I have.” For instance, in my household we all know that I have depression and anxiety, but it’s not really nailed down on my medical chart whether I have Generalized Anxiety or Major Depression. I’ve talked to my doctor about my anxiety, my “moods” as it is usually termed in the doctor’s office, and had my spouse at my side during the discussions, and been prescribed Zoloft for my symptoms even, and the takeaway has been:

My doctor doesn’t want to diagnose me with a mental illness, because no one wants to figure out what the insurance will do. Or what the protocols for it are. Or what the exact diagnosis should be. My therapist had further insight there: finding someone who can make the right diagnosis for me is one thing. But there could be several different diagnoses for what I could have, depending on what treatment plan they wanted to bill for, or what my insurance covers, WHICH CAN CHANGE.

And all this time, we’re just trying to live this and figure out how to do right by me and the body and brain I have.

It’s why I keep thinking I need to explain myself here. There’s no catch-all term for whatever it is that I have. There’s a lot of medical interactions between my hormones, my mood, my sleep cycle, and my information processing ability. Sometimes at 2AM I decide it’s time to read a paranormal encyclopedia, and that’s just because my body is not going to be good at doing anything else at that time, because that’s what the chemicals in my body say to do.

So, I mentioned my hormones–one reason I’ve been quiet is because I don’t want people to think that transitioning will cause you harm or that transitioning people are “crazy.” But I’ve had some severe mental health effects from my hormones being way off-balance at times, and I’m finally able to talk about it. One reason I’m able to talk about it again? I’m finally GETTING my hormones.

Last year when I switched to topical rub-on testosterone instead of intramuscular injection, it was because I was unable to do the shots anymore. My needle fears ramped up and I had to switch over. Well, turns out the absorption was never working right for me because I was getting allergy injections in the same area as I was rubbing the cream on, and apparently the testosterone got into my bloodstream instead of the lymph system, and made my levels seem incorrect? Gods it was nuts. Anyway my insurance cancelled rub-on hormones on January 1 with no warning anyway, so it’s a good thing I was planning to switch to subcutaneous injection. Which I did yesterday after being without my rub-on hormones for 3 days.

My body feels like a submarine that goes up to get air and down to dive below at times completely dependent on my hormone levels and nothing else, and my hormone levels basically all last year were bonkers. It destroyed my sense of time right as I and everyone else were all locked in our homes. My stress has ramped with the news cycles, making me unable to sleep some nights until my body finally exits hypervigilance.

There’s not a cure for this, or any single diagnosis, or a treatment other than to take care of myself and keep going.

I’ll keep going.

I want to open up more about my mental illness experience, and what it does and how I get through it, but I’m going to warn you that my mental illness doesn’t follow the discourse. It fucks the discourse. I’m a person who has decided to stop driving because I don’t like how I might react to the unexpected behind the wheel, and I still vote, I make big financial decisions, heck I make winning investment picks. Sometimes I can’t walk out my front door, and it’s not for any logical reason, and I even know logically with my brain at the time that nothing bad will happen if I go outside. Still, sometimes I can’t walk out my front door, and in those times I realize that I don’t actually have to. Because last year we as a household realized that I could no longer do the things I’d done all the previous years before, that something in my mind and body had drawn a line and said I couldn’t go ignore those boundaries anymore.

I can’t watch TV like a “normal person.” Ads really mess with me and so I often avoid commercial television, for instance. But I also have trouble sitting down and absorbing something on a screen, I’ll often have to walk around, or I’ll need to watch the show out of order, or see it “filtered” through commentary or memes, because that’s how my brain decided I was processing that day. But the conversation I have with my spouse about the subject at the end of the day is still rich and fulfilling, because I’m still having an experience of the subject, be it a show or a video game or a news event. I just take it in in a very particular way, and sometimes that way changes depending on my mood and a bunch of other factors.

Heck, my diet changes how much I can focus and think. We’re still figuring out what does what. There’s a lot of rabbit holes to chase down. At some point we discuss what’s worth putting up with versus what actually needs treatment, because when things aren’t very clear-cut you need to prioritize. Also, having a lot of different medical issues at once means that you sometimes get overwhelmed and don’t know what order to address it all in.

I communicate in GIF and youtube format on here sometimes because I don’t really have a way to articulate the feeling or thought I have other than to show something that seems to encompass it all in an abstract or more psyche-oriented way. I really enjoy being able to do that here, and to get out the things I really want to express in an environment where people let me experiment with communication. Thanks to all of you for that. Except the bots. You’re not sentient, and that’s kind of weird.

Oh yeah. Mental illness and its interaction with hormones. Are completely ruining my ability to plan things and have been for like half a year now. So thank. For your pati. Ence.