#no not every situation requires violence but you need to know which situations DO

[yourqueenb]

I think this entire conversation is exactly why they don’t trust you girl 😬 Literally everything goes over your head and it shouldn’t

[caligvlasaqvarivm]

I’m always curious about Kankri being redeemed in any way (maybe because he can become the sufferer). Obviously to do so would be simply punting him to reality and force him to live it, no help from his shoddily-made support structure. But I’m curious how you would go about doing it

Given their role thematically in the story, I'm actually usually not on the train of "fully redeem the dancestors", but I do like giving them some catharsis and reckoning, a place in the fight against LE. One last chance to do something good with their lives/afterlives before the end, and a(n implied) new start as wigglers born into the new universe.

So to that end, in my head, the "turnaround point" for Kankri - the inciting incident that makes him have a mental breakdown that results in him finally taking some accountability for his shitty actions - is having a conversation with Eridan.

In my head, the Dancestor reckoning happens gradually, alongside a series of retcons where the dead trolls are brought back one or two at a time, and deal with their emotional issues a little more with every cast member added back into the party.

The TL;DR series of events is: Terezi asks to bring back Vriska, Vriska asks John to punch out Tavros before she can kill him, Tavros's influence makes Gamzee ask for Equius and Nepeta to be brought back, Equius asks for a redux of Aradiabot, Aradiabot grabs John by the arm and gets him to undo her death and Sollux's fall into depression, Sollux asks for Feferi to be brought back, and then Karkat asks for Eridan.

We know from (Vriska) that the Game Over/Alpha Timeline characters still exist post-Retcon, so those characters would also be continuing their character arcs, just in the afterlife prepping for the LE fight. For example, I think Meenah's reckoning should be delivered by (Karkat) - after having had so long to reflect on his own failures as a leader, he would be perfectly poised to scream at her for hers, which would also serve to make this confrontation a final thesis for Karkat as a whole - what leadership means (caring about your team) - and a conclusion to the Meenah/Karkat dynamic.

So when I say that Kankri needs to talk to Eridan, I mean Eridan and not (Eridan). Full character development, all his teammates are alive, taken full accountability and responsibility for his actions, team good guy Eridan. And as I noted in this essay, Eridan with full character development is actually more annoying than regular Eridan, because he's also the "Devastating: Worst Guy You Know Made An Excellent Point" guy. In bulleted form:

He's still an advocate for murder. Murder is literally what kept his friends alive long enough to play the game, and playing the game itself involves genocide, so he would be the Token Evil Teammate who reminds the team that, hey, murder is an option - and enemies will be considering it. Even at his very best, he's going to struggle with empathy and have an extremely blase view of violence and murder - those were literally just facts of his life through his most formative years.

This also makes him a TOTAL downer, as he's the tempering voice that reminds them that decisions have consequences, and utopia requires sacrifices, and nothing is ever worth fighting for that won't eventually need to be fought for. Like I said, worst guy you know, excellent points. In fact, he's out here volunteering to do the murdering when the situation calls, if nobody else wants to get their fins dirty. He's really good at it.

He's still an idiot who doesn't listen to people. He's perfectly fine at taking orders, but having a conversation with him is still really difficult. I feel like if you make Eridan too smart, mentally flexible, and socially aware, you lose a lot of his Eridan-ness, and I think these characters, fully realized, are more of themselves, not less. I also don't know how you could reasonably expect to fix these traits. He's just Like That.

He drops his fake pro-Empire stuff, because that was basically all just empty posturing in the first place, but...

Now he's a pretentious-ass hipster who judges you for liking Trollor Swift and Troll Marvel. Given that Jake's indiscriminate taste is actually linked to his deficit of Hope (he has little conviction, he's wishy-washy), Eridan coming into full Prince of Hope regalia involves getting even more annoying about his taste in media (shittons of conviction, refusal to budge).

He is also a wizard. He will not shut up about this.

And finally, I think he'd still be out here using slurs. First of all, because it'd be really funny, because he's literally not casteist, but second, because there's two types of "it's equality" - the kind where nobody ever says anything offensive, and the kind where "offensive" stops being a relevant concept because true equality has been achieved. Think of the discourse surrounding the reclamation of slurs IRL, or how the "it's equality" meme gets used - this idea that words can be stripped of power by changing the context of who's saying them, or that objectification/discrimination stop being problems if they're applied evenly across the board, instead of limited to specific groups. I think that this is the exact type of nuanced idea that Homestuck would tackle and its fandom would get incensed about, which is why I think it should stay.

Eridan's role, thus, becomes a sort of "unpleasant truths" kind of character. Violence, both physical and verbal, is unpleasant as hell, and the natural instinct is to avoid it. The problem is, in any true discussion of what society should look like, they're topics that can't be avoided, and are even sometimes necessary not just to recognize, but to utilize (no revolution is bloodless, etc.). Eridan - an extreme personality - is going to represent the uncomfortable extreme of the debate. And by that I mean he's going to be saying slurs and talking about murders and is still going to be unquestionably a force for good.

The reason I'm going so in-depth into this is because Kankri very much represents the opposite: using "polite" language and couching it in the language of courtesy, activism, and liberal ideology, Kankri hides - and worse, spreads - his classist, ableist, misogynistic, puritan beliefs. He enforces the class divide and actively works against his teammates' best interests.

He whines that the lower blood castes should stop complaining about oppression, because others have it worse. He tells the team feminist that misogyny isn't real, then slut shames her. He tells the guy with brain damage that he's making other neurodivergent/TBI people look bad, exacerbates Latula's shame around her inability to smell, and actively guilt trips Cronus into ignoring his epiphany and self-reflection. Kankri is only an activist in that he actively makes everybody worse.

But why does he act like this? Well, it's due to the fact that he was probably culled, and on-sight at that, like Karkat would've been if anyone found out about his mutant blood. Kankri doesn't seem to have a symbol or lusus, either, two thinks Karkat only had because the Signless's followers prepped them for him, so the chances are very high that Kankri was culled since he was hatched. Given the way he discusses culling with Latula, and viciously despises being mothered by Porrim, it's clear he has some really complicated feelings regarding having his agency dismissed. Thus, his work to hamper his team - at least some of which is wilful on his part, as he'll outright cast aspersions on Horuss or Cronus's beliefs for being "imaginary" even as he encourages them to commit to them - is motivated by something quite simple: power, attention, entitlement, and control.

When he goes on his grand lectures, he frequently slips and reveals that he sees himself as a great, unquestionable spiritual leader, often trying to place other characters in subordinate positions to himself - Karkat is his "pupil," and his monologues, I mean, sermons, I mean, diatribes, are spoken as if from a position of authority. He outright tells Meenah that this is what he believes himself to be.

It's a very Seer sort of problem - both that of hubris and that of willful blindness. If you chart out the actual "end goal" of his beliefs, it appears to be a world in which Kankri himself is both the biggest victim and most important voice in the room. He regularly disparages those with actual disadvantages (Damara, Porrim, Mituna) while playing up the false problems of those who don't actually have them (Horuss, Cronus). Those with disadvantages should have their voices amplified - except lowbloods should stop whining and misogyny isn't real. And those with real power should check their privilege - but won't somebody think of the poor highbloods who have ~emotional problems~? Kankri will, and all the highbloods need to do is bend the knee and treat Kankri as their specialest boy.

In short, he's using his intellect, rhetoric, and forceful personality for selfish, emotionally-driven pursuits. The actual substance of his arguments is ephemeral and contradictory because that's the trick - the point is NOT to further equality, but to verbally browbeat his conversation partner into submission. In other words, you can't beat Kankri in a regular debate, because the moment you start trying to actually engage in a debate with him, he wins. The moment you start lunging at his arguments, he's got you in his red-texted labyrinth. The moment you start treating his points like they merit genuine discussion, you're in the pews of Kankri's church, and he's up at the pulpit.

And Eridan is the destroyer of faith. He's also an idiot who doesn't listen to people.

I don't really know exactly how it would play out, but I know in my heart. In the pit of my soul. That Eridan would call Kankri several slurs, (correctly) point out that Kankri's celibacy is stupid because it's clear he has feelings for Cronus and Latula, (correctly) point out that his pro-equality stuff is stupid because he calls violets "Royal-V"s, (incorrectly) accuse Kankri of hitting on him, (correctly) point out that the entire point of a slur is that it hurts and insults the person it's used on, (correctly) call Kankri several more slurs, (correctly) point out that Kankri just wants attention, especially from highbloods, (???) go on an unhinged rant (maybe more) about being a wizard, being a murderer, and being a murderer wizard, (???) insult Kankri's taste in music, and finish it up by (correctly) revealing that Eridan and Karkat are moirails who make out sometimes.

I think Kankri would start crying.

[genderkoolaid]

Do you genuinely believe we can somehow change the hearts and minds of billionaires and politicians in power in for example the USA in a way that will actually result in a radical change in and improvement of conditions for folks currently oppressed under capitalism in the USA and hopefully globally? If so, how?

This is coming from someone who really would like to believe pure nonviolence is possible but who does not see much of an actual way forward for that. That said I do not see those billionaires and politicians as "nonhuman", I don't think that's productive and I think dehumanizing anyone who is factually a human person as a practice is dangerous so I am in agreement with you there. Thanks for your time if you choose to share your thoughts.

What I like about Against the Logic of the Guillotine is that it isn't for pure nonviolence. It breaks down the false binary that our options are "let the streets run red with blood until our every thirst for revenge is slaked" or "punching nazis makes you as bad as them 🥺"

& i think that binary is tempting because it absolves us of a responsibility to think deeply about things. if all revolutionary violence is good and justified, then you don't have to think too hard about the violence, you just see it & condone it. If all violence is bad and morally evil, then you still don't have to think too hard to condemn it. Our options are like, moral baby food.

But if we reject that binary, then there is no easy answer. Its not as easy as "yes leftist violence is always justified" or "any violence ever is always unjustified." You have to ask yourself, what am I doing? Why? What does this accomplish? Who is affected by this? What do they have to say? It makes us look at the actual nature of our violence and pick it apart and see where we have fucked up and where we might fuck up again. Its a lot more messy and also requires that we form relationships with others & genuinely listen to what they have to say. Its much much harder than Violence Good or Violence Bad but its also much more capable of adapting to the needs of people in the complicated situations where we find ourselves.

My opinion is that we will not reach anti-capitalism and anti-imperialism without violence. But more than anything, its because the systems in power will not let us. I think the foundation of the Revolution (in a more abstract sense of the word) must be community. We should focus our efforts most on building local networks of mutual support. If people suddenly find themself in a community that has free public food gardens & a community fridge, where people are already practicing transformative justice, etc. etc. then it will become materially obvious that we don't need to rely on the current system to survive. It will become clear that the current system is more of a hindrance to what we could do if we were not being controlled. And then people will be more likely to support any revolutionary violence that becomes necessary, because they will see their neighbors and know that when the dust settles, they know how to care for each other through shitty situations. Violence should really be the topping on a cake of community & indispensability politics.

Also this line from AtLotG really changed my perspective on "punishing the rich":

The worst punishment anyone could inflict on those who govern and police us today would be to compel them to live in a society in which everything they’ve done is regarded as embarrassing—for them to have to sit in assemblies in which no one listens to them, to go on living among us without any special privileges in full awareness of the harm they have done. If we fantasize about anything, let us fantasize about making our movements so strong that we will hardly have to kill anyone to overthrow the state and abolish capitalism. This is more becoming of our dignity as partisans of liberation.

"If we fantasize about anything, let us fantasize about making our movements so strong that we will hardly have to kill anyone to overthrow the state and abolish capitalism" really sums it up for me.

[1-imaginary-girl]

Annoying 2

Five Hargreeves x Reader

Summary: Five and Y/N are now partners. They’ve been assigned their first official mission as a team. But when the plan derails, the two find themselves facing a choice that might change the course of their new partnership. Reader is gender-neutral.

Warnings: Violence

Word Count: 5113

Part 1

A/N: This was originally going to be an independent one-shot, but there were so many requests for more “Annoying” content I decided to switch things up. If anyone has any suggestions or requests for what to do to continue this series, I would greatly appreciate it.

Reader’s POV

“Have you completely memorized your character sheet?” Five shouts from another room. You’re currently putting the finishing touches on your disguise in the washroom of your shared hotel room. And thankfully, the Handler assigned the two of you separate beds. Your face heats up thinking of a different situation.

“Yes, Five, believe it or not, this isn’t my first time undercover,” you shout back. You smile, knowing he's probably rolling his eyes at you.

This is yours and Five's first official mission together as partners. Just the sentence makes you want to squeal. But you have to keep yourself professional tonight. You want to show Five just how good an agent, and a partner, you could be.

There was a bit of prep and training before tonight as neither you nor Five has had a partner before and the Handler doesn’t respond well to mistakes. It was simple tests to ensure that the two of you were suitable to be partners, such as practicing combat as a duo, reviewing boring company documents, and there was even a training video called “How to be the Ideal Partner” which Five immediately tried to walk out of before the Handler reminded him it was required.

All of this extra work worried you that Five would change his mind about being your partner, especially since you weren’t even sure what finally convinced him to do it in the first place. But to your surprise and delight, Five stuck through it with bearable complaining.

You touch up your face and adjust a few stray hairs before feeling satisfied. You stand back and take a look at yourself. The look is a bit bold but you remind yourself that you are no longer Y/N L/N but rather Sam Palinski. A bit of an average name, but the point was not to stick out.

You’re not sure if the Handler did this on purpose, but the outfit chosen for “Sam” cuts quite the figure. It hugs your body a bit tighter than what you would normally wear, but you remind yourself to be confident. In fact, you look pretty hot. The outfit isn’t perfect for hand-to-hand combat, but the objective was to avoid as much conflict as possible. Thankfully, you are wearing shoes that double in comfort as well as looks.

The details of your character sheet rattle off in your mind. You shouldn’t need to know too much, just enough to hold a conversation, but you were prepared nonetheless.

“I would prefer to get there on time,” Five shouts. This time it’s you who’s rolling your eyes.

“Calm down, I’m coming,” you say. After one final look at yourself and a whisper of encouragement, you exit the washroom. “Besides, it’s always better to be fashionably late, don’t you think?”

You look up and are struck by the image of Five Hargreeves in a tuxedo. While he’s normally seen in a suit and tie, the look of him in a proper suit with his hair combed back sets your heart aflutter more than usual. He locks eyes with you and you think you see his eyes widen. You try to portray an act of confidence as he surveys your look.

“Well, what do you think?” you say while outstretching your arms. Your smile brings his eyes back up to your face.

“You look…adequate,” he says before clearing his throat and turning away. You don’t know what you expected, but something in you deflates. You think you hear him mutter, “Not very inconspicuous” but you brush it off.

“Just what every person wants to hear.” Suddenly you feel awkward with Five’s back to you so you inch closer to gauge a reaction out of him. “So, are you ready to make our debut, Mr. Palinski?”

Five scowls to himself while taking a step away. “I don’t see why the Handler had to make our identities married to one another.” You’re used to Five’s grumpiness. You never let it affect you because you know that’s just the way he is. But sometimes you think there might be another side to him. And a part of you keeps hoping that he’ll show you that side more. But you already got him to agree to be your partner. You got what you wanted from him, right?

“Because a married couple is more discreet than two eligible singles, especially when I look like this.” You give a twirl and wink at the boy. His face is flushed, probably from frustration. He’s cute when he’s frustrated.

“We should get going.” You roll your eyes at his abruptness.

“Fine. After you, husband.” You receive one more scowl for the road.

After a short drive where Five continued to shut down your attempts to sing along to the radio, you pull up to the target’s location. The target is hosting a soiree at their ginormous mansion which is how Five and you will be able to slip in amongst the attendants.

Even though you knew what the mansion looked like since the two of you surveyed the area prior to tonight, the size still blows you away. You wonder what it would take for you to live in a mansion like this.

Driving past the front gate, you arrive in front of the doors. There is a valet stationed to help you out of the car. You thank them and take in the scene before you. Five rounds the car after handing the keys over to the valet and stands beside you.

He starts to walk in when you see a security guard with no doubt a guest list. You quickly loop your arm through Five’s and hold tight when he tries to pull away.

“What do you think you’re doing?” he hisses at you. You roll your eyes.

“We’re supposed to be married and that involves acting like it,” you hiss back. “Haven’t you ever done undercover work?”

He tosses a glare your way. “Yes but normally I’m on my own,” he whispers. And then under his breath says, “Which I’m starting to miss right about now.”

You ignore his negativity and simply pull him along with you. The two of you give your names to the security guard, and after presenting I.D., you are let in. One reason you love working in the field is the various places you get to travel. Rich targets are your favourite because they always have the most extravagant homes.

You look around in awe as you take in the place. Immediately there’s a golden chandelier above you in the entryway. Just a little further you can see into the ballroom and your excitement doubles. “Come on,” you say to Five without giving him a glance and dragging him over to the room.

“Slow down, you’re going to tear my arm off.” His complaint goes in one ear and out the other as you stumble into the room. People dressed in their most expensive clothing populate the room. There are tables and such off to the sides where some are conversing, but it’s the middle of the room that catches your eye. There, people are dancing the waltz, and you compare the sight to a dazzling teacup ride as they move round and round in circles, the girls twirling their dresses in various colours while the men take the lead.

“We should spread out, try to blend in with the crowd before making a move to recover the flash drive,” Five says while scanning the area. Your mission was to recover a stolen flash drive that the target swiped from the Commission. The target is an ex-employee and a bitter one at that. The flash drive contains confidential information about the Commission, specifically compromising details about their agents. That includes Five and yourself.

You know the mission is an important one, but you can’t help but feel drawn to the dance floor. You want to get swept away into your secret identity and for one night blend in with this society of high-class, beautiful-looking people.

“We should dance,” you blurt out.

“We absolutely should not.” He looks at you incredulously. But you don’t care.

“Come on Five—”

“Y/N, we’re supposed to be blending in not standing out.”

“But isn’t the best hiding spot in plain sight?” You look at him with your best attempt at a puppy dog face. Despite his lack of human emotion, he does look away from you.

“That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.” It becomes clear to you that he won’t budge and you would either have to drag him kicking and screaming onto the dance floor or let it go. Or a third, more devious option.

“Fine. We should split up, talk to different people.”

“Don’t blow our cover by talking too much,” he warns you with a serious look on his face.

“Who, me?” You give him one last cheeky smile before heading towards the right side of the room.

You scour the crowd of well-dressed people looking for someone to execute your plan with. There are plenty of eligible bachelors, but your eyes land on one in particular. You can’t believe your luck, but there, standing on his own, is the host. He’s also the one who stole the flash drive. You straighten your back and quickly saunter over to him before anyone else can scoop him up.

“What’s a handsome man like yourself doing all alone?” you ask as you saddle up next to him. The man turns to you and smiles.

“Apparently, I was waiting for you.” Despite yourself, you blush. It isn’t often you get this kind of attention.

“Sam Palinski, pleasure to meet you,” you say.

“Michael Lynell, and I can assure you, the pleasure is all mine.” You feign shock at the name.

“You’re the host?”

“That’s correct.”

“Well, you certainly know how to throw an event,” you say, gazing out at the sea of people and the intricate, beautiful décor.

“Thank you, I do hope you’re enjoying your time so far.”

“Absolutely.”  

A pause. “Are you unaccompanied tonight?” he asks. Smooth move.

“Actually, I’m here with my husband,” you say. You try and fail to spot Five amongst the crowd. Michael only then seems to notice your (fake) wedding ring. His face shows mild disappointment.

“Ah, I see.” He seems a bit defeated before perking up and regaining his charming attitude. “Do you think your husband would mind if I asked his lovely spouse for a dance?” he asks. You’re surprised you didn’t have to ask him, but are excited nonetheless.

“Not at all.” Michael holds out his hand and you take it, following him onto the floor as a new song begins. Michael takes the lead and you’re perfectly content to follow.

“You’re quite the dancer, Mr. Lynell,” you say, feeling giddy to be dancing for the first time in a while.

“Only because I have such a good partner,” he says with a wink. You bite your lip to keep from smiling too much. The man is rather cute, and perhaps if he wasn’t your current enemy, you could see yourself actually pursuing him.

Just as you allow yourself to get swept up into the dance, your eyes flicker down from Michael’s gaze to the crowd. Suddenly, your eyes lock onto Five’s as he stares at you from across the room, and there’s a look there that you don’t recognize. You look away, trying to ignore him for the time being. There’s no use in entertaining that idea. You shake off any ill-conceived hopes and continue with your fantasy.

Before the song is over, however, Five appears next to you which gives you a start. His eyes are on Michael as he taps the man on the shoulder. Michael turns to him, just as startled.

“Mind if I cut in to dance with my spouse?” Five asks him with anger laced in his tone. It must be your silly imagination, but you could have sworn he emphasized the last two words.

Michael recovers from his surprise and returns to his charming host persona. “Of course,” he says. He then turns to you. “It was a pleasure, Palinski.”

You nod with a smile as he weaves through the crowd and disappears from your sight. You’re drawn back as Five repositions you to dance with him. You are bewildered by his actions. “What are you doing?” you ask as he prepares himself.

“Dancing,” he says, as if it was a stupid question. Then the two of you begin to dance as if nothing happened. You stare at him, trying to figure him out, but he’s determined to stare at the top of your head instead.

“I thought you said you wouldn’t dance,” you say with narrowed eyes. But his expressionless face doesn’t waver.

“I said we shouldn’t dance, but since you’ve chosen to ignore my advice, you leave me no choice but to keep up appearances or risk blowing our cover,” he says, all calculating and professional. “After all, married couples typically dance together, do they not?”

Again, you thought you heard an emphasis on the word “together”. So, you pull on that thread. “I was doing just fine dancing with our host.” Then you see it. Five flinches at your words. Your confusion only grows.

“And just what were you doing interacting with our enemy?” He finally meets your gaze as if looking for something.

“Blending in.”

“By making lasting impressions? We’re supposed to be keeping a low profile,” he snipes.

“Relax, I doubt it was a lasting impression.” Five looks as if he wants to argue but decides against it.

“It was a risk nonetheless.” You almost argue back but stop yourself. You don’t want to argue. You’re right where you want to be: dancing at a fancy event, and with Five himself no less. You decide to just let yourself enjoy it.

A few moments of silence pass over the two of you before you speak up again, this time with a teasing tone. “I didn’t expect Five Hargreeves to be such a good dancer.” He meets your eyes again and your breath catches. Thankfully he doesn’t seem to notice.

“My father trained us in ballroom dancing. Said it would help with our coordination, or something about dancing being an important skill,” he says, and as he talks there’s a far-off look in his eyes. “He was old-fashioned like that.”

You try not to get excited about all that you’ve learned about Five so far. He said us, which suggests he has siblings and the words “trained” and “coordination” seem to suggest more teachings than a regular father would give.

“He sounds like an interesting fellow,” you comment. Five snorts derivatively.

“That’s one way to describe him.” You don’t want to push him for more information since you’ve already gotten more in the last few seconds than you have the last few months. But you also don’t want the conversation to end or for him to regret telling you so you offer something up in return.

“I used to take dance lessons when I was a kid, my own idea,” you say, smiling fondly. “Of course, it turns out I was terrible at dancing, and I quit after a year.” Five laughs, and your chest swells with pride as you smile back.

“You don’t seem so terrible right now,” he offers, a rare compliment from the man.

“I suppose a few lessons must have stuck,” you say. “That, or I have an excellent partner.”

“Must be the latter,” Five says, causing both of you to laugh. When your eyes meet again, and the two of you are caught smiling, something seems to change in the air. You two continue to dance, but Five doesn’t look away this time, instead giving you an earnest look. You don’t look away either. You hold your breath, afraid that one false move might ruin this moment. But everything good must come to an end eventually.

The music stops, and it’s as if Five snapped out of a trance, for he quickly looks away and clears his throat. You can’t help but feel a bit disappointed. “I think now’s the time to begin the search,” he says, all traces of amusement gone.

You recover yourself and nod. “Yes, right.” Five then takes off towards the staircase and you’re close on his heels. You nervously glance around before making a bold move. You catch his hand and grab his arm with your other hand, snuggling into his side with a giddy smile plastered on your face.

Five appears taken aback by your actions. “W-what the hell are you doing?” he asks, his face reddening.

“Keeping up appearances, remember?” you say still with a smile. “It’s a bit less suspicious for a couple to sneak off somewhere together than two individuals.”

“Right,” he says, but still seems very uncomfortable, only managing a tight smile as a cover.

†††

Once you’re out of sight, you immediately let Five go. You feel a tad embarrassed by your actions, but you were only trying to keep yourselves from getting caught. Five leads the way to the office located in the building, remembering the blueprints you studied together.

The door is locked when you find it, but Five simply teleports inside and unlocks it for you. You had planned for this; when the two of you were scoping out the place, Five made sure to check out the office from the windows to know what the room looked like.

“Stand guard while I search,” he tells you before walking away. You scrunch your face.

“Why am I standing watch, exactly?”

Without looking up from his search, Five says, “Because you said I could take lead on our missions.” You try to remember your multiple pitches to Five when asking to be his partner. Damn, you did say that.

“I take it back,” you say while maintaining watch of the hallway.

“Too late.” You huff but accept your fate. Your gaze flickers across the hallway, keeping your eyes and ears open for any witnesses. You can faintly hear the music from the first floor and can’t help but wish you were back there, dancing again. Dancing with Five. You shake your head and try not to let your mind wander any further.

After a while of painful silence, Five breezes past you. “I’ve got it,” he says, holding the flash drive in his hand. You smile.

“Finally.” You snatch the flash drive from his hands.

“Hey!” he frowns trying to grab it but you duck out of reach. You giggle and begin to head towards the stairs when suddenly two large men in tuxedos enter the hallway. You turn your head to see two more making their way towards you and Five, and you have a feeling that there are more to come.

You quickly stuff the flash drive into one of your pockets.

“The party’s downstairs kids,” one of the men in front of you says. Out of the corner of your eye, you see Five tense up and see the calculating gaze enter his eyes.

“Silly us, must’ve had too much champagne!” you say, stalling for the inevitable as you prepare yourself. “Well, we’ll just return to the party—”

“I don’t think so,” the other says, revealing a gun.

“That’s alright. I hear the real party’s upstairs anyway.” With those words, you see Five blink from your side to standing behind the two men. You love seeing the shock on people’s faces the first time it happens.

You turn to deal with the other two. “Can’t we just talk this out?” you ask. One of them takes aim and you roll your eyes. “Guess not.”

The bullet fires but you’ve already moved out of the way. You might not have Five’s teleportation, but you’re quick on your feet. You pull out the gun that was strapped to your leg and shoot the weapon out of the man’s hand. He shouts just as his partner fires at you. But you’re running, and the bullet hits the wall.

You manage to get behind the man you haven’t shot and jump on his back. While he struggles to get you off, you shoot his partner in the neck. The man you’re on top of reveals a hidden knife and slashes at you, opening a gash on your right forearm. You hiss and drop off of him. But you shoot his chest three times before he can turn around.

Near the stairs, you see Five standing over the body of two men but more are coming. As you make your way over, you fire at them, careful not to hit Five while he’s blinking around. The two of you manage to take out eight more guards, but somehow they keep coming.  Then you see one man in particular make his way onto the scene.

“I have to say, Palinski,” Michael Lynell says as he catches your gaze. “I’m rather surprised.”

“What, you didn’t think I was just another pretty face, did you?” you ask, as Five tackles the guards around him. It seems you have Michael’s undivided attention. He smiles at you.

“Of course not. I just didn’t expect the Commission to risk such an obviously valuable asset,” he says, looking you up and down. It doesn’t give you the same butterflies as before but rather sends a chill up your spine.

“Allow me to show you how valuable I really am.” You shoot a few bullets at the man but he’s running before they can reach him. You quickly run out of bullets and toss your gun aside, changing to hand-to-hand combat. Your fist collides with his jaw which sends him stumbling back. You smile as he scowls. But soon he’s diving for you and you barely manage to move out of the way.

Your fight continues with a few blows landing on each other when suddenly he clamps his hand down on your bleeding arm, catching you off guard. You struggle but can feel him gaining the upper hand. In a moment of panic, you spot Five not too far away. While fighting against Michael, you manage to catch Five’s eye.

“Run!” you yell. Before he can process what you mean, the flash drive is out of your pocket and you’re tossing it into the air. Five’s eyes widen before quickly blinking over to catch it. As he catches it, Michael tightens his hold on your arm and you bite back a whimper. He pulls you to his chest and puts you in a chokehold. But he doesn’t cut off your breathing. You look to your right to see a gun pointed at your head.

“Drop your weapon!” Michael shouts at Five. Five looks over and you see his eyes widen. Michael’s the last enemy standing, you and Five managed to take on every other one. You try to struggle in his grasp but he only presses the gun further into your head. Five tosses his gun to the side. You assume he also ran out of bullets anyway.

“Now, hand over the flash drive, or I’ll shoot your pretty partner here,” he says in a menacing voice. He’s cocky and you can sense the victorious smile spreading across his lips. But he's not the only one victorious.

You laugh in his hold. “Nice try, but Five here doesn’t care if you shoot me,” you say. You try not to show your hurt and hide the pain in your chest but you know you’re right. This isn’t how you imagined you’d die, but at least you’ll make a hot corpse.

“I wouldn’t be too sure about that, pretty,” Michael whispers in your ear, his eyes locked on Five.

Instead of running like you told him to, Five hesitates. To your confusion, he seems to be looking between you and Michael with that calculating gaze. His jaw is set and you can see his frustration from the tightening of his fists.

“Five, what are you doing?” you ask. “Go!” He should have been long gone. He has the flash drive, your mission was a success. Besides, you were only a new partner. As much as you’ve tried, you haven’t managed to get on his good side. He wouldn’t throw away the mission for this.

But then, you watch as Five pulls the flash drive from his pocket. You begin to struggle again, despite the pain of the gun pressing into your skull. Five doesn’t look at you.

“If I hand this over,” Five says. “You let them go.” His voice is seething as he stares Michael down, like he wants to rip him apart. Your mind can barely process what’s happening. You wish he would look at you so that you could try to make some sense of what’s going on in his head, but he refuses to look your way.

“That’s the deal,” Michael says from behind you. In a quieter voice, Michael says to you, “I told you you were valuable.” The sentence sends you to panic more and you shake your head, a bruise beginning to form where the gun is pressing into you.

In a matter of seconds, you watch as Five tosses the flash drive into the air towards Michael. The man shoves you to the ground hard as he tries to catch it. The second he has the object in his grasp, he takes off running.

You groan from your place on the floor. Suddenly you see a flash of blue and Five is leaning over you. His eyes are swimming with concern as he sweeps over your body. Then he locks eyes with you and you feel your breath stop.

“Are you okay?” he asks seriously. His stare is intense and you freeze for a minute. Then you snap back to reality.

“Uh yeah, I’m fine,” you say and Five’s shoulders seem to relax. Then you remember your mission. “Five, he’s getting away!”

“Oh no he’s not,” Five growls as his gaze fills with anger once more. You see Five go from crouching beside you to blinking next to Michael just as he made it to the stairs. You begin to sit up as you watch Five knock the man out, probably killing him. He leans over Michael’s body and you think he says something before he pries the flash drive from his hands.

In a flash, Five is back standing over you. He wordlessly holds out his hand toward you. You grab it and he helps you up. “Thank you,” you say in awe, once again trying to lock eyes with him. But the moment seems to have passed.

“Don’t mention it,” he says, and you have a feeling he isn’t just talking about helping you up.

†††

The car ride back is uneventful, filled with awkward silence. You keep glancing over at Five but his eyes remain focused on the road.

The two of you walk into the motel room, exhausted from the fight. Five prepares to send the flash drive back to the Commission as you watch, unsure of what to do or say. So you say the obvious.

“So, are we not going to talk about it?” you ask. You’re met with silence and you roll your eyes. You reach over to your travel bag and hiss, pulling back your arm.

“You got stabbed, you idiot,” Five says, glancing over his shoulder. Oh, right. You kind of forgot about your injury in your haze of confusion. You hold your arm, wincing at the amount of blood.

“I’ll be fine,” you say, brushing it off. “Just have to patch myself up.”

You search for the motel’s first aid kit. After finding it you plop yourself down in a chair and place the kit on the room’s desk. Then you hesitate, wondering how to proceed single-handedly. Especially using your bad hand. That doesn’t stop you as you open the kit and start to clean the wound. It’s a bit of a struggle and takes you way longer than it should have. You’re also exhausted which doesn’t help.

You hear a sigh and turn to see Five approaching you. “Useless,” he utters as he starts to take over.

“Five, I don’t need your help. I’m fine—”

“Shut up and let me concentrate.” The way he becomes so focused on the task, eyebrows scrunching as he delicately holds your arm, is enough to shut you up more than his words.

“Yes sir,” you whisper, and he rolls his eyes. Silence fills the room as Five wordlessly patches up your wound. You hiss at the rubbing alcohol and he glances up at you, his features softer than normal, before gently continuing the task. You take the time to regard him fondly, watching his small mannerisms and movements.

You get so caught up that the words seem to fall out of your mouth. “Why didn’t you run?” you whisper, trying to keep the moment quiet. He hesitates. “The mission was complete, you had the flash drive. I told you to run.” The question has been eating away at you. Five takes a moment to think before continuing his task.

“They were going to kill you,” he says, as if it was an obvious answer. But nothing about this man seems obvious to you.

“I thought you hated me.”

“I do,” he says and the words seem to hurt despite the fact that you already knew that. “But that doesn’t mean I want you dead.”

Your breath catches as you stare at Five. It’s not much, and for anyone else that sentence would have meant nothing. But you knew that it was Five revealing his feelings for you. Five hates everyone, that's only natural. But this is the first real indication that you mean something to him.

You smile. “For the record, I don’t want you dead either.” Five stops what he’s doing and for the first time since the mansion, he meets your gaze. The two of you hold eye contact for a moment and you swear you see his mouth twitch upwards. Then reality crashes down on both of you and you awkwardly look away while blushing.

Five clears his throat. “This doesn’t change anything,” he says, finishing up the bandaging of your arm.

“Of course not,” you respond, and he seems to hold onto your arm for a moment or two longer than he should have. Then he’s walking away. As you watch him head for the washroom, you both know that that was a lie.

* * * * *

Those who asked for a part 2:

@winchestertitties​ @tua-five​ @violett-s @if-alina​ @shampoocovers99​

[lively-potter]

— nepenthe ; jjk

@lively-potter

— synopsis ;

in which solaris celeste vesper, a sad girl with an unfortunate upbringing meets a man far older than her and, within his presence, her sorrow fades into nothingness.

Also in which jeon jungkook finds the sun he so desperately needed in his life.

— genre ; age gap, they both fall but he falls harder in the beginning, angst, fluff, guaranteed HEA, CEO jungkook, mafia/gang vibes ( kinda/sorta )

— disclaimer ;

2024 © @LivelyPotter

All Rights Reserved

You may not reproduce,

distribute/and or adapt

any part of this work

without my permission

I only own my original characters and the plot.

— warnings ;

violence, blood / gore, descriptive abuse, mature language, mature themes, fluff, angst, age gap. the MFC has been sheltered her entire life — and due to that, keep in mind she will have a slight childlike innocence. She cries a lot in the beginning ( and if you went though all the shit she did, you would too, as I won’t hear any complaints )

— playlist ;

— greedy ; tate mcrae

— yes or no ; jungkook

— closer to you ; jungkook

— somebody ; jungkook

— hate you ; jungkook

— lost ; BTS

— my time ; jungkook

— serendipity ; jimin

— stigma ; taehyung

— MAMA ; j-hope

— please don't change ; jungkook

— fever ; enhyphen

— spring day ; BTS

— love me again ; v

— mmmh ; kai

— after like ; Ive

— blood sweat & tears ; BTS

— lilac ; iu

— extra info ;

started ; January 19th, 2023

posted ; January 21st, 2023 ( on Wattpad )

completed ;

edited / revised ;

— extra info for those not familiar with the academy series by c.l. stone ;

I know I'm gaining more readers, those who aren't familiar with the academy, so I'll do a short explanation of what you'll be seeing from the academy!

In short, the academy series is a reverse harem/polyamory series set in Charleston, South Carolina.

( so you'll be seeing multiple men date the same women in this book, so don't be shocked lmfaoo ) most of this won’t happen until we are well into the story — but I’d hate to confuse all of you! I’d like every single one of you to enjoy and understand the story completely!

The academy ( that MFC won't be much involved or at all ) is basically a top secret organization that specializes in helping men, women, and children who are in an abusive relationship or homes and help them get out of that — most join the academy to help others in the same situations.

There are teams that work together and are basically a family in all but blood; and "family is a choice".

The men in teams are referred to as "dogs" and the female team members are referred to as "birds".

'Ghosts', whether birds or dogs, are children without much history to their names. They are priceless to the Academy.

The Academy's system works on a series of favor and financial debt. Everyone in the Academy starts out with financial debt. It's the value of the education an Academy student requires to become the best at what he does. If it was a private investigation training class or an eight-week boot camp, or you were starving and needed groceries to get through a human biology class, the Academy took care of it. Your debt can't just be paid off directly, it requires completing various Academy missions. Whatever it is, there is a price tag.

Favors though are the real core of the Academy. Favors are anything that doesn't have a price - usually family problems within the Academy that other members can't handle alone. New members owe ten favors immediately, with the maximum owed being thirty. The value of a task in favors varies depending on the task.

All Academy trials are comprised of the same parties: the whole team, plus five randomly selected members from other teams, presided over by a manager who has collected all the data. There is no age minimum for the randomly selected members, the only requirement is that they had to be past initiation and a full member of the Academy. The ultimate goal at a trial is to keep the family together as much as possible.

Each team has two leads. The first is the main contact for the Academy, they track the jobs the members go on, and let them know what jobs are available. The second is the family lead, who keeps track of all the team members, and makes sure that everything runs smoothly for them - ensuring they have food, bills are paid on time, and everyone that needs a job has one.

Most of this information is from the academy wiki site ( 'cause it's fuckin' complicated to explain it all )

but I want you all to be able to understand it enough to enjoy the story without being confused!

Most of the time, I'll explain through River and my other characters.

I hope this makes sense!

River won't be very involved in the academy, but there will be mentions and most of River's story revolves around, not only Jungkook and Moon, but River's brothers, friends, and family!

Please let me know if there is anything that you'll misunderstand and I'll explain to the best of my ability!

✨ HAPPY READING ✨

— find me on Wattpad at @/LivelyPotter! The first two chapters of Nepenthe are already out!

Also, do any of you mind giving me some pointers on how to post more aesthetic chapters or a master list on here?? I’m so lost and new to this app! 😂😂😭

[anamericangirl]

@sugarplum-sapphic oh I see you’ll “entertain this for a second” but you’ll turn off reblogs to make it harder for people to respond to you lol. I guess to make you feel like you did a better job responding than you actually did.

I don’t really care what you think about my blog to be honest. If seeing someone you disagree with on most things is red flag that says more about you than it does about me. But I get it. Pro-aborts like yourself tend to create echo chambers so you never have to have your ideas challenged. So I understand that seeing someone who has different opinions than you would scare you.

But since you’re “entertaining this” I’ll entertain it too. 😊

I’m curious where you got the idea that the right to life just “doesn’t apply” to this simply because the baby is dependent on their mother. I’m not aware of any documents, legal or otherwise, that state that the right to life is only applied to people who aren’t in a dependent state. So since you’re making the claim that there are some people the right to life just doesn’t apply to as if that’s an objective fact when it contradicts every single law and founding document we have you better have a pretty airtight source and reasoning for that preposterous claim. I am very curious on where you got that idea. What law or founding document did you read that made you think babies don’t have the right to life because they need their mother to maintain their life. You know babies are also dependent on others to maintain their life after being born? So I’m assuming you think it’s ok to kill babies after birth as well. Otherwise you would be inconsistent.

Ah yes. The organ donation argument. You use “classic” to describe it. I like to call it the “overused” and “thoroughly debunked” argument that y’all won’t let die even though it demonstrates that you really don’t understand what abortion is. This is why I ask y’all to actually take some time to learn about abortion before continuing to support it.

Let’s go over all the ways your kidney argument is very bad and does not justify abortion at all.

1. First, the situations are not similar. Not at all. Using a situation that does not match abortion in any way shape or form does not justify abortion. You would have to make up a similar situation in order for this to make sense. This just shows you don’t know what you’re talking about.

2. There is a big difference between not saving the life of a dying person and intentionally killing a healthy person who would have continued to live without your interference, k? Until you can understand that very big difference you are not ready for the abortion debate.

3. Organ donation does not require you to actively kill a person. Do you understand that? The only way to make organ donation comparable to abortion is if you were going to argue that it would be ok for you to then stab the person who needs the kidney after deciding not to donate yours.

4. Abortion is not organ donation. Deciding you don’t want your baby does not give you the right to commit a subsequent act of violence. It does not give you the right to actively and intentionally kill a child.

5. You’re not obligated to save the life of a dying person. You are obligated not to murder someone.

So in short, no you can’t be forced to donate a kidney but you still can’t kill babies. Get it now?

Do you understand there is a difference between dying a natural death and being murdered? It’s important that you understand that. You see, the right to life, which does apply to people even if they are in a dependent state, is not the right not to die, but it does mean other people cannot take it upon themselves to end your life.

You very clearly do not even understand bodily autonomy either. It applies to your body only and it does, in fact, have limitations. Making a decision about what happens to your body does not mean you have the right to harm another person’s body. Your bodily autonomy ends where the baby’s body begins. Because that is a different body that you don’t have bodily autonomy for. Bodily autonomy is not the right to kill. It’s very important that you understand that as well.

You mistakenly think that a sick person dying because no one donated a kidney is the same thing as inducing a heart attack in a baby and then ripping their body apart. That is extremely ignorant and I encourage you to educate yourself on this matter. Feel free to ask me any questions you have. I have a lot of resources I can share that will help you understand abortion, human rights and fetal development a lot better.

[winterchimez]

Forbidden | Ji Changmin

SUMMARY: you have been separated from your childhood best friend, Changmin for years. so when you both finally reunite on a mission together, he is no longer the childhood friend you have once come to know of, and things were going to take a turn for the both of you.

PAIRING: spy Changmin x spy f!reader

GENRE: ex-bffs to lovers au, angst, crime, suggestive

WARNINGS: nc-17, violence, mentions of gambling, mentions of human trafficking, kissing, making out

WORD COUNT: 3,168

A/N: here is the 3rd entry from my 100 followers event, and this was requested by my 妹妹 @sungbeam 💕 the way you chose that specific prompt lmao i knew i had to deliver some ✨good food✨ for you, and i hope it was worthy of your taste miss beam 😮‍💨 (it might be a bit rushed so i humbly apologise i wrote this in one sitting)

“Agent Y/N, reporting in.” 

You knocked at your boss's door and stood there enthusiastically, awaiting your next mission. 

It has been a while since you were deployed on field missions, hence the excitement you felt when you received a code entitled “S-Rank”, which indicated the highest rank of difficulty of missions that only a selected few are allowed to participate in. 

You have been with your current agency for a few years, and through hard work and determination, you rose up to one of the higher-ranking agents in the field. With that, you are mostly deployed on the field, dealing with many missions that are far more gruesome and dangerous, which could eventually cost you your life if you weren’t careful enough. But you were a fighter—a soldier equipped with wits and extraordinary martial arts skills. 

As a result, you have been placed on training duties where you were assigned to train the new recruits to prepare them as they make their official debut on the field. Not that you were entirely mad about it, since martial arts was one of your fortes, but you surely miss being on the field and on an actual mission. 

Hence, you couldn’t contain your excitement for the day, and you couldn’t wait to gear back up and return to your comfort zone. 

Your boss—Director Ji, was pretty pleased with the number of upcoming recruits that were going to officially join the team, as several agents were currently abroad to fulfill their own missions. In other words, your company desperately needs potential ones who could take on field missions. 

This time, however, he hands you a red folder with all the necessary information about the mission. You knew what the red folder exactly meant—ones that could indeed cause a life or death situation, and there is no room for even a single mistake for this one. Usually, these were given to the elites, not even to higher-ranking agents like yourself. 

The Elites are the best of the best, and they excel in every possible scenario or situation that they are in, no matter how brutal the mission may be. They do not engage much with the other agents except for the director himself, as they are often sent away far abroad to handle much more trivial matters at hand. 

If your director has handed you such a folder where it’s not meant for you on a usual basis, that could only mean one thing. You were to step in as a substitute and be paired with at least one of the members from the elites and fulfill the mission as swiftly and hassle-free as possible. 

As you were about to turn back and take your leave, your director stopped you just in time to inform you that this mission requires some more training than usual, and you were to be paired up with one of them to prepare for the big day.

Training with one of the elites? Obviously, how could you ever say no? It is definitely a dream come true for you as you have always admired them from the shadows. Enthusiastically, you nodded and agreed with the offer as you stepped out of the room.

“This is going to be so much fun.”

“I could teach you how to fight, but I wasn’t equipped to take care of you.” 

The brunette shoots you with that cold and blunt statement, and in return, you give the male the biggest frown of the day. 

As much as you were enthusiastic the entire morning as you prepared yourself for whoever would join you for the mission, the excitement immediately died down when the infamous elite member, Ji Changmin, stepped foot into the training room.

Your ex-childhood best friend. 

Both you and Changmin go all the way back to kindergarten, you both were literally neighbours up till high school. You have spent both of your childhood together, to the point that you both knew exactly what were the biggest insecurities each of you had, even knowing how many crushes you had and how you both are hopeless romantics. 

But as Changmin and his family moved away after graduating high school, you both lost contact with one another, never speaking or keeping in touch for many years. 

Until you graduate from university. 

Somehow, you have managed to stumble upon the Director’s Ji company, which he has been operating secretly for many years—thanks to one of your seniors who recommended you to him. He was more than delighted to take you in, knowing how you eventually pursued criminology and eventually keen on the idea of becoming a spy yourself. 

That was when you were reunited with Ji Changmin. You were beyond ecstatic when you first saw him in person again. You wanted to run into him, give him the biggest embrace, and take in all his scent—one you have missed so dearly after all these years.

But the male eventually shut you off before you could do anything. He was nowhere near like the Changmin you used to grow up and love—he was now cold, often very stern, and would work alone instead rather than with others. 

Because of that, you have never gotten the chance to talk things out with him, and you realise that it’s best for you to keep a distance from him now. 

Never in a million years would that day come so soon for you both to reunite on a S-Rank Mission. 

His simple yet cold statement immediately ruined your mood, and you were about to fire back at the male. But he was already prepared with his gear and gloves, waiting for you to join him on the training mat. 

Given his demeanour, you knew that dragging his time would be a fatal mistake right now, and you had no choice but to equip yourself with the necessary items and join him as fast as you could. 

As you make your way to his way, you can’t help but notice his appearance. His hair was parted to the side, and a little scar was situated right on his left cheek. He was wearing a simple black tee, but you couldn’t help but notice how buff he had gotten and how the shirt was clearly a little too tight for him. 

The way his biceps were clearly so toned than ever, and god. The veins— 

“When will you stop ogling and get yourself together?” He shoots you with an unfriendly look. Clearly, his patience is running out. 

“Fine. God, what an impatient man you have become.” You blurted out by accident, eyes widening as you just realised you had let out your frustration and most inner thoughts. You looked up to meet the male face-to-face, only to realise that he was not bothered by that comment at all. 

He has dealt with much worse before, this is nothing to him.

As you finally got into your position, you raised both of your now balled-up fists and stood in a defensive mood, ready for whatever moves the male would lay upon you. Unfortunately, you were a bit too slow to notice the swift movement he had made, and immediately, you were on the ground, groaning as you felt a slight pain upon your lower chin. 

“Just so you know, I won’t go easy on you just because you are a girl. I’ll have you know that the enemies we deal with on S-Rank missions are far more murderous and barbaric than you have ever encountered. They could potentially become your worst nightmare. If this is how you will act on the field, I’m afraid you will lose your life within minutes.” Changmin spat, and boy, did it hurt as hell. 

Angered, you got back up on your feet as you repositioned yourself again, trying your best to keep up with his swift movements this time. 

This training went on for quite a while, and never once did you manage to land a blow on Changmin himself. Instead, you were constantly attacked at your blind spots and always on the ground, trying to find your way back up again. 

God, this is going to be a hell of a ride. 

The intense training with Changmin lasted for a few days, and the amount of bruises you have gotten thanks to him was uncountable. 

Every day, you would return home and find yourself sitting by your bedside, applying an ice pack and ointment to each and every one of them. It has been quite a while since you have felt like this.

Humiliated and defeated.

This only happened when you were still a rookie, as you were training with your superiors then. Ever since you made your debut, you have done nothing but win in all the physical battles you have dealt with, both on and off the field.

“I could teach you how to fight, but I wasn’t equipped to take care of you.” 

His words constantly echo into your mind, and you just can’t seem to get it off as much as you wanted. No matter how cruel they seemed, you knew his words meant well for you. 

This is a S-Rank mission, for goodness sake, Y/N. It is either you defeat the enemy or be defeated yourself. 

Taking in a deep breath as you closed your eyes, you just mentally prayed and hoped that all of the intense training with your ex-childhood best friend has at least done something for you and that you will be well-prepared as you both head into your designated location for tomorrow night. 

Let’s just get this done and over with.

The both of you arrived discreetly at the location, equipped with a radio earpiece to receive necessary transmissions from one another to keep each other in the loop as you both parted ways to scout around the area. 

The target of the mission was to infiltrate one of the largest and most well-known casinos in the heart of Seoul, The Grand Palace, as it is believed that the area itself was used for human trafficking, which explains the sudden disappearance of a handful of women in their early 20s over the past few months. 

According to the information you both were given, as written in the red folder, the CEO of the casino, Mr Kim, was the mastermind behind all of this and had his men surrounding the casino at all times to prevent information from spreading while keeping his gambling business on the run.

Both of your mission was to infiltrate the control room—download all of the necessary information that could potentially expose the hidden and true business the casino was making money from. And, of course, to get the girls out of there once and for all. 

Changmin suggested taking on the latter as he knew the area would be armed with more enemies to keep the girls out of reach. It was best suited for him to take on the role of doing the dirty work instead of you potentially. In return, you were to get to the control room and bypass the security, download the necessary data, get out of there, and pass it on to the FBI, who were already armed and ready for your signal. 

So that was precisely what you did, with no room for arguments this time. It was kind of a maze to navigate to the control room, especially when the casino was filled with many individuals and the place was dark as hell. Yet, you had to bypass everyone while being undetected. To the best of your abilities, you eventually reached the destination, and sure enough, you were met with your worst nightmare. 

Tons of red light laser security filled the room way before the entrance to the control room.

You were flexible, to say the least, but there is no way you could bypass all of these on your own. Whenever you were met in such a situation, you always had your superior or partner to figure it out together. But time was ticking, and you had no choice but to do it all alone this time. 

As you slowly bent through each of the lasers and eventually made your way to the last one, you breathed in relief that there was no one around to notice your presence. But your happiness did not last for long, as you missed out on one of the lasers that was situated close to your right ankle. Sure enough, the alarms have begun going off. 

Panicking, you tried your best to figure out an escape route as quickly as possible. But given the room's darkness, it was impossible to notice anything in particular. 

That is until a lightbulb dings in your mind, and you look up to see a slightly ajar air vent. 

It’s now or never. 

With the equipment you were geared up with, you somehow managed to quickly get into the vent right before security guards came pouring into the room, trying to find the culprit behind all of this. 

You began trying to calm your fast-beating heart down, that is, until you felt a pair of warm hands cupped over your mouth. 

“Have they not taught you well how the very first rule of becoming a spy is not to get caught?” 

That voice. It was Changmin. 

You turned behind to find the male looking very displeased, and he was still cupping your mouth, not letting it go as he was convinced your breathing would definitely blow up both of your covers. Frustrated, you tried your best to fight against his grip, loosening yourself from him and yelling back at him silently. 

“Look, laser securities was not my best forte.” 

“That’s not a valid excuse, Y/N. You literally had one job, and you failed at doing so.”

You scoffed. “Really, Changmin? After all these years, you suddenly show up in my life again, only to turn into this cold-blooded spy with zero empathy left inside of him? Has becoming one of the elites affected your ego that much?” 

Then, there was a slight pause. Changmin’s face then darkens as he scooches closer to you. “Don’t you dare say it as if you knew what I have been through over the years that we were separated from one another.” 

Clearly, you were not backing down this time. “Oh yeah, then tell me. All the bullshit you went through made you turn into such a heartless individual.” 

In the blink of an eye, Changmin cups his hands around your mouth once again as he pushes you down on the surface of the vent. He is now crawling up against you, moving in closer to you. 

“You take that back right now, miss Y/N. I swear if I ever hear one more word from you—”

“Then what?” You muffled. 

Then it all happened. Changmin did what he knew was best to shut you up. As swiftly as he often portrays with his martial arts abilities, he removes his hand from your mouth and plants a kiss directly onto your lips. The whole thing was aggressive and messy, as one would say, he was now kissing you messily, trying by all means to keep your mouth shut as the enemies were still down below. 

On the other hand, you were far too taken aback by what happened, and your eyes were now as wide as they could ever be. Somehow, your body did not reject his touch or the kiss, in fact, you actually liked it. 

Was it because you were too deprived of having him close to you? How badly you have missed him so much? 

And how you never got to confess to him that you had feelings for him right before he left all those years ago.

This kiss was a dream come true for you. And you were not planning to let him go anytime soon. Instead, you moved your hands to tangle in his hair as you opened your mouth slightly to allow for more room for the both of you. Changmin then lays one of his hands on the side of your waist while the other travels up to one of your breasts, giving them a light squeeze. Adding to the tension, he then makes way for his tongue to enter your mouth, trying his best to devour up all of the elicit moans that you were letting out to keep this whole make-out session as quiet as possible. 

And god, how much he loved hearing the moans coming out from you. 

Neither of you planned on stopping anytime soon because this all felt so good. It was as if you both had longed for each other and now that you finally had, you were not going to let him go just yet. 

Finally, after minutes, the both of you were gasping for air when Changmin realised that nobody was in the room anymore. The coast was clear, and both of you were safe enough to return and continue the mission. 

Trying your best to steady your breathing again, you decided to shoot the male with a little tease. “You treat all of your ladies like this?” 

“...Shut up.” 

It did not take you both long enough to be able to infiltrate the control room. With your abilities, you both managed to knock out all of the individuals in the room cold while you went to the main system to download all of the information needed to expose the casino. As ordered by Changmin previously, you wasted no time leaving the premises as soon as possible to get help from the FBI. 

While you were doing that, Changmin made his way to where the girls were kept captive and defeated all the guards on standby on his own. He then managed to free them all and escorted them out, where the police and medical assistants were already waiting for them. 

At the end of the day, the mission was a huge success, and the mastermind and his team were eventually placed behind bars, facing life imprisonment as punishment. 

After returning to your headquarters a few days later, you were then promoted to joining the elites by Director Ji himself, as he was pleased with your performance. However, there was one strict rule that these agents were to follow.

Never engage in personal matters with one another. 

Before you could think about it further, your phone buzzed and you exited your agency, feeling slightly excited as you made your way into the black vehicle already waiting for you. 

As soon as you opened the door and entered, you stared at the male with one of his hands on the steering wheel while the other came up to cup your cheek.

“Say, won’t your dad eventually discover all of this?” You questioned with a concerned look on your face. 

Changmin then leans in to give a peck on your lips. 

“Who says he needs to find out about it?”

masterlist

taglist: @deoboyznet @kflixnet @k-films @flwoie @hokupi @zzoguri @kyusqult @tinkerbell460 @cheonsafics @sulkygyu @jaerisdiction @vernyangel (join my permanent taglist here!)

[rorlokiswifey]

Yandere!Loki x reader

My first fanfic so i’m sorry if it’s bad 😔

Warnings: yandere behavior, toxic relationships, obsessive behavior , violence

Being with Loki had it’s ups and downs. He was very sweet and charming, always bringing you gifts and smiling, yet there was something sinister about him. His smile wasn’t one of warmth. It was more obsessive and creepy. But then again, your boyfriend wouldn’t do something like that….right? He’s so sweet and kind! Always gifting you your favorite things! Taking you out on dates and paying attention to you! Sure he often had a little more creepy than happy smile and sometimes smelled like blood but hey, accidents happen…right? After all, the two of you didn’t live together and who knows?

.

.

.

Recently, you started a playing a new game which required voice chats, you started off on your own. But soon found yourself making more friends, both men and women. It was nice to interact with friends online, it was very practical, you didn’t need to leave the house. When you told Loki about playing some game he was delighted and happy for you. It meant you wouldn’t leave the house anymore and stay more and more. One of the friends in particular became your mutual and when you didn’t have anything better to do you often called with them. Talking about whatever was on your mind, the game, gossip or the latest thing, soon you found yourself very attached and talked with them every day.

Unfortunately for you, Loki had picked up on your behavior. Always calling with someone, spending more time on your phone or on the game instead of him..he was enraged to say the least. You should he here spending time with him. Not anyone else. Him. And only him. He couldn’t help but feel paranoid. Are you cheating on him? What if you liked someone else other than him? What if you’re going to leave? He won’t allow it. Ever. You won’t see the day light ever again. Who are you to think you could leave him? How ungrateful of you to even think about that! After he did everything for you! After he killed for you, you have the nerve to be close to someone else?! He’ll kill them! All of them!

During one of the faithful days you were playing the game and chatting with your friends, you couldn’t help but feel as if someone was watching you, but sometimes we feel like that don’t we? It’s probably nothing, at least that’s what you told yourself. You shook of the feeling as you listened to the voice of your friends, only to your surprise the connection quickly got cut off and a strong grip could be felt on your shoulder. ‘Who. Is. That.’ A booming voice behind you snarled, you turned your head to see who was talking, well at least tried to before you spotted Loki and his hand tightly crabbed you by the chin. His fingers digging into the skin on your face. ‘Answer me!’ He yelled, gripping your face even harder. Is this really your loving boyfriend? He doesn’t seem like it. Who is this? ‘Loki, stop it! You’re scaring me!’ You cried out, too terrified to actually comprehend the situation you’re in.

‘Scaring you? You should be! How do you think i feel when you talk to others! You’re my girlfriend not theirs! Who do you think you are cheating on me?’ Loki screamed at you anger, he seemed totally blinded by rage and unable to see that you were just talking friends. His hand on your chin moved to grasp your wrist and forcefully pulled you towards him. ‘You’re mine. I will not allow you to see any other person than me. You’re mine. MINE. And i’ll make sure it’ll stay that way…’

[cadwhatalad]

Thinking about Andor and violence, and the way the show remains constantly aware of the aggressor/aggressed relationship in every interaction between the empire and the rebels; both in terms of the way in which the rebels’ violence towards the empire is expressed in moments of combat, and the way the empire is shown to be constantly exercising their aggression outside moments of combat.

Luthen invokes it his first conversation with Cassian – “the way they laugh, the way they push to a crowd. That voice telling you to stop, to go, to move.” He doesn’t talk away they torture or kill, he talks about the way they manage people, and how that management is achieved through a constant press of mild but unrelenting violence. Then it’s shown, like the TIE fighters on Aldhani. The way they just blast through the mountains, the size of them against the characters in the foreground. The pilot who flies over them when they’re preparing for the heist has no reason to think they’re anything other than shepherds, but he still flies as close and fast over their heads as he possibly can because he’s noticed them and wants them to know it. He doesn’t shoot, probably isn’t allowed if the garrison wants to maintain its veneer of civility. But he’s noticed them, so now he has to let them know that he could hurt them. Just flies overhead. If he happens to clip someone? If one of them gets caught in the wake turbulence and thrown into a tree? Not like he’d ever know or care. He doesn’t need to, as long as they know. Can’t let them forget that they’re only alive at the empire’s mercy.

Or in the prison, the way the guards never shut the fuck up when moving prisoners around – it’s a constant poke-poke of stop, go, stop, move, stand there, walk, stop. The very first introduction to the prison we’re given, when the head guard makes this big flex of “how can it be we can stand here without guns, just wait til I show you” so he can demonstrate the floors - it’s a show of confidence that’s proven almost immediately to be bullshit, because the guards are incapable of interacting with the prisoners without constantly grabbing them, hefting their giant tasers, shouting and pushing because they’re terrified that if they stop for half a second the prisoner might feel like a person again, and that alone would be enough to pose a threat.

Meanwhile, the violence of the rebels is shown as an exact inverse. It’s a subtle thing – often they’re active aggressors right back, often they throw the first punch or fire the first shot, but they’re almost always in some kind of vulnerable position when they do so. In the very first fight, Cassian doesn’t square off. He tells the guards about the credits in his pocket so they’ll come close, stays passive until they’re in headbutting range, and then he attacks. When the prisoners are preparing the breakout, they stay on program until the last possible moment, weapons hidden behind their backs as they comply. When Cinta stabs the ISB agent, she manages it because she backs up into an enclosed space and lets him corner her there. He never once considers that he’s not in control of the situation. His hands are down by his sides as he looms over her, and he doesn’t think to check where hers are until the knife’s already in his gut.

To me it’s a stunning textual representation of Nemik’s statement that tyranny requires constant effort. Think about Syril entering a random house during his manhunt and shooting at the first thing that moves, looking stone-cold terrified even through he’s the one with the big gun and the warrant, versus Cassian and Luthen escaping in the same episode by setting off a decoy first, allowing pretence of rolling over without a fight so they can slip away unimpeded. Think of the way the riot sparks off; not as soon as Maarva’s recording ends, not when the cop makes a paltry attempt at cutting off the transmission with his jacket, but when he gives up on nonviolence after that attempt fails and just kicks over the whole droid, even though he probably knows it’ll be the thing to blow the keg. He’s culturally incapable of doing anything else. Think of Wilmon, bringing a bomb to the riot that only works as well as it does because the empire showed up with crates on crates of grenades and then left them just sitting out in the street.

Wherever the rebels succeed, it’s where the empire fails to check what’s under the hammer before they swing. They rely on a constant wall of aggression and never bother to check the cracks in the foundation. Cassian says so – why would the prison guards bother spying on the prisoners when all they have to do is turn the floors on twice a day? Why would the garrison defend against an attack when they’re so sure no one’s stupid enough to try? Hell, fucking Dedra says so, spends the first half of the season clanging the alarm bell waiting for the rest of the ISB to catch on to what she’s already noticed.

The show never pretends that the empire’s violence isn’t overwhelming and devastating and almost inescapable, but what it does do is show the utility of taking moment to breathe. Plant your feet. Wait for your moment to strike. You don’t need to rely on lucky shots if you’re smart about where you aim.

Idk I just think it’s neat.

[afurtivecake]

The first thing about Riko that explains the kind of person he is is that he's a Moriyama.

You know how Jean has that, "I am a Moreau. This is what I'm for," internal monologue he uses to persuade himself that everything that has happened to him has happened for a reason? To me, Riko has basically the same thing, except his internal monologue says, "I'm a Moriyama. I was born to rule," which he uses to justify everything he does and everything he goes through.

He's been taught from the beginning that being a Moriyama MEANS something. Moriyamas are without equal, born to command respect and rule over man. They wield all that power and so they have certain responsibilities. The biggest responsibility they have is the loyalty and behaviour of those beneath them. It's their responsibility to make sure their subordinates understand their power and know their place.

Riko sees it in how the main family acts and he sees it in how Tetsuji treats Evermore and the Ravens as his personal domain to rule over with absolute power. But the only thing Riko has to rule over is the court, so long as he plays. The only thing Tetsuji allows him to have control over is playing exy. So it's not enough that he be just and exy star; he has to be the best. He has to be unquestionably at the top of the sport and he has to make sure that no one ever even thinks they can threaten his position. That's the only way he can come close to the Moriyama ideal within the tiny puddle he's been given to rule over.

Tetsuji has all of Evermore and every single Raven, Riko included, bow down to him using a combination of brutality, fear and psychological tactics. to exert complete control over them. It's not just his right to do that; it's his responsibility as a Moriyama to solidify his control over his subordinates. Riko, Kevin and Jean have it drilled into them that is their duty to discipline the people they are responsible for and to make sure they know their place.

I imagine Tetsuji impressing upon Riko while he was growing up that, because he is a Moriyama and because Kevin is his responsibility, it's his duty to keep Kevin in line and to punish him when necessary. He might even have harangued Riko about how if Kevin falls behind or steps out of line, it's his fault for being lazy and ineffective with his discipline. (And then he'd beat them both to drive home the message and to show Riko 'how it's really done'.) If he can't even control a single child, how can he consider himself a Moriyama.

As for how he is to gain that control and obedience, well, that's where Riko lucks out in a way. The methods he's learned from his uncle examples are physical and psychological violence and it just so happens that those methods align well with his natural sadistic inclinations. (I mean, I assume it's his natural inclination though it's hard to tell. Heap enough trauma onto someone for long enough and it becomes hard to differentiate which parts of them are caused by trauma and which parts are their personality. I say this because sadism doesn't automatically doom a person to violence.)

So essentially you have a situation where 1) Riko feels he has to prove he is a Moriyama, 2) beating Kevin and Jean into submission is part of what being a Moriyama is about, and 3) it just so happens that hurting people is in his wheelhouse, and is really fun and personally satisfying for him.

Makes for a pretty fucked up person already. But actually, it's not as if Tetsuji went out of his way to make Riko like that. As far as Tetsuji was concerned, all Riko needed to know was how to play exy and how not to be a complete embarrassment for him in front of the main family. He brought Riko up with the Moriyama values he knew. Being a person, an actual human being, just wasn't anywhere on the list of requirements Tetsuji had for him.

You know how Jean has moments where he thinks, "if I'm not a Raven, who am I?" Well, to Riko, if he isn't a Moriyama, then what is he? Riko HAS to be a Moriyama because there is no other option for him. If he isn't a Moriyama, then he is nothing and nobody, with nothing to live for.

[saanphoenix]

You know what? I’m not done. I’m not done.

The following is not an apologist post, before that little thought pops up, it is, instead, meant to give some perspectives. You can agree, you can not agree, I care not.

“Sephiroth is a war criminal because he killed people in a war.” No. No, that’s not how that works. People are killed in war. That’s how that works. “Yeah, but like.. He did it really goodly and killed lots--” Doesn’t matter. “But the people he was killing were just trying to defend--” Yeah, that happens a lot in war. Now, if he, say, gathered a group of civilian Wutaians into a trench and ordered his men to shoot every single one of them while they screamed and tried to claw their way out of said trench, NOW we’re dealing with some war crimes. But we have no evidence he did that. And, yes, I am referencing an actual thing military has done in real life.

Now, I don’t like war. I’d like to think most people don’t like war. I especially don’t like wars fought over dumb ass shit like, “We want to use the land you’re on for resources and you won’t let us, soooo... :)” But, hey, that’s history for you. Whether it was thousands of years ago or right the fuck now. But you can’t just go throwing the term ‘war criminal’ around when it’s not fucking applicable. You can comprehend the horrors of war and acknowledge the situation is fucked up without using the phrase ‘war criminal.’ To me, going, “Zack was a war criminal because he followed orders and took out enemy combatants in an enemy Fort, which is an accepted target for war,” is honestly dulling the accepted amount of violence for regular ass war. That shit is allowed. That isn’t a crime.

“Sephiroth torched Cloud’s hometown. That is unforgivable.” Yeah. Yeah, that was a crime. It wasn’t a war crime because he didn’t do it for war reasons, he just did a regular ass crime. And there’s no excusing it. Even if you wanted to go the ~crime of passion~ route, like... Mmm, no. Anyway, I bring this part up because... Most people see this act of violence for what it is and appropriately respond with horror, disgust, rage at the injustice of it. “WHY would you do that?!” Even when you can see the why of it, you’re still--generally--like, “Bruh. Too far.”

What people don’t often do is look at the shit Avalanche pulls and react in kind.

“Yeah, but they’re the good guys.” I do not care. They are terrorists. And I don’t care that Remake tried to shift blame for the reactor explosions from Avalanche proper onto Shinra by going, “Well, technically, Shinra pushed the final button, so--” ORIGINALLY, Avalanche blew the fuck up two whole reactors, which damaged a substantial chunk of the city around each reactor, and killed people. People in the nearby sectors, asleep in their beds or walking along the streets, fucking died. And Avalanche was okay with that. They were so okay with that they were going to do it all the other times needed to stop Midgar for good. “Yeah, but the Planet--” DON’T CARE.

Your heroes, same as the villain, are a-okay with taking some lives to get what they want. To me, there is no moral high ground here. Now, as the game goes on, methods change and character growth happens and some guilt starts to set in a little bit, but... Don’t say Sephiroth is evil because he killed innocent people, and that’s it, and then just let Avalanche’s sins float under the radar because, “Well, they’re the good guys, so.”

If I do not require fans of the heroes to preface any show of love they have for them with, “I know they killed people, but--” Then I should also not be required to say, “I know Sephiroth/the Remnants/the Turks killed people, but--”

Love the characters you love. Hate the characters you hate. Do not assume someone’s morality or worth based on which character they like or don’t like. And, for the love of god, stop throwing around phrases like ‘war criminal’ and worse to justify to somebody else why you don’t like a character. You can just not like the damn character without diluting the meaning of words!

End rant.

[yanderes-galore]

Hello! I'd like to ask for a Tolkien Black concept, if that's okay? Thank you!

He's one of my favorite characters, of course I will! I had to do some research but it still required me to HC a bit to get a proper yandere behavior. Aged up as usual, AU sometime near the end or after high school.

Note: There is not a lot of personality to him according to my research so I did what I could :( Sorry this took months!

Yandere! Tolkien Black Concept

Pairing: Romantic/Platonic

Possible Trigger Warnings: Gender-Neutral Darling, Manipulation, Obsession, Implied delusional behavior, Corruption of the law probably, Corrupted cop, Dubious relationship, Protective behavior, Social isolation, Stalking, Cameras, Violence mention.

Tolkien is level-headed, calm, logical, and compassionate.

He stands up for himself and fights for what he believes in.

He's also training to be a police officer!

Other than that and him growing up with rich parents... that's about all we know according to my research.

I'd say this makes Tolkien a tame yandere compared to a lot of characters in South Park.

He seems like he'd have a good understanding of what's right and would genuinely care for his darling.

Tolkien would be Manipulative, Protective, Caring, and Calm with his darling.

He can have a temper but something has to piss him off pretty bad for him to snap.

As he's gotten older and undergone police training he's only ever gotten calmer in situations.

Also since he is one for the law he probably has the belief he is doing what is best for his darling.

Even if it requires bending the laws a bit.

He doesn't force you into anything, he wants you to trust him.

Which may be easy due to his job/what he's training for.

Tolkien would be manipulative with his darling as a friend or lover.

He does it with "good intentions" however.

He feels there's no other person you'd be safe with than him due to how well he can handle situations.

Tolkien seems like a character who's easy to follow and trust, which would make he and darling good friends.

If not anything more.

You may not believe he's manipulating based on the way he uses his words.

He's had to learn how to negotiate in the field... so it's a skill he's picked up.

He's easy to talk to and you don't feel you have a need to pick apart every word he says.

Tolkien would probably be on the richer side too and wouldn't mind giving his darling something they like to maintain that trust.

Also because he likes them and wants to see them happy... it's not all a calculated action.

Tolkien comes off as a guy you could tell everything to.

He listens to every word you say intently, making mental notes on important information.

Such as your recent social interactions....

Since he seems like someone you can be vulnerable around, like the good partner he is, you never suspect a thing.

You have no idea he's controlling what you do from behind the scenes.

Tolkien is skilled in gathering info due to his job, actually his job as a cop aids him a lot in his obsession.

It aids him in remembering information, manipulating you, and framing those around you as criminals.

The best part (for him)? He can get away with it!

He can manipulate the law.

Not that he would need to anyways, he doesn't plan on kidnapping or murder.

It's a safety measure for the future.

Tolkien isn't a violent yandere unless he gets pissed at something, which is usually never you.

He's someone who wants to lead his darling on the right path by his side and keep them happy.

In his eyes the way to do that is his protection.

In his eyes, he is the most trustworthy person you know.

By the time his obsession is in full swing he's the ONLY person you know....

He may stalk you but primarily likes to use footage to watch you.

It makes it easier to multi-task... also he gets video for later.

Tolkien tries not to let his obsession dip into illegal territory for the sake of you but sometimes it does.

He cares for you and knows you'd be scared of or hate him if you knew he was betraying your trust.

If he makes it hard to track what he's done... there's nothing to worry about.

Sometimes he knows what he's doing is wrong, but most of the time he feeds himself the very same lie he feeds you.

It's for your own good... a saying that's just a lie to make his actions redeemable in his eyes.

Tolkien is calm and can handle most things in his obsession.

This includes his darling fighting back, someone finding out about his obsession, or even him dealing with rivals.

He's a calm man... too calm.

Calm to the point it gets scary.

Him snapping may be worse as he can get scary when angry too.

Those who harm you or try to take you from him are the ones who see that side...

They are often left in a state that's... questionable afterwards.

When Tolkien isn't meticulously planning all the ways to isolate you, he tries to show you he cares.

He always remembers what you want and offers to buy it for you.

Even if you refuse he may just get it anyways.

He doesn't mind holding you in a friendly greeting or to comfort you.

Hell, with comfort in general he'll listen as he usually does.

Care to namedrop anybody in particular?

If he likes you as a romantic partner then he's encouraging you to live with him and often kisses all over your face in a way to show affection.

He wants to do whatever he can to show you he's there for you.

Although... perhaps it's all to distract you from what he does in the background?

If you look a little deeper... maybe you'll see what he's truly doing to make you his.

Although even if you did find out... what would you do?

There's no way to get help with him as an officer, is there?

[masochist-marmot]

Killua Zoldyck deserves better

I have been watching Hunter x Hunter (2011) alongside the wonderful Media Club Plus podcast (that's 95 episodes and no more, so you can expect spoilers but beyond that point I'm in the dark), and I have thoughts I need to scream into the void.

TW: references to child abuse and canon-typical violence

Killua is the best little murder boi and he deserves so much better. I want to adopt him and show him that he deserves love that isn't dependent on how well he can shut everyone out emotionally (and rip people's hearts out, I guess). The show does such a good job demonstrating how an abusive home will leave its marks on you and undermine everything you do and every relationship you try to have after leaving. As someone who grew up in an emotionally abusive household, I recognise the overwhelming and disproportionate fear response you get when faced with conflict. The inability to defend yourself and even the ones you love is very real, even if I've never been put in mortal danger at the hands of a cat boy. Yet. A girl can dream.

Getting Illumi's pin out could have felt like a cheap cop-out if we hadn't seen Killua struggling with the effects for several arcs and then gruesomely reaching into his own head to remove the physical manifestation of (and allegory for) the trauma response. The fact that he didn't even notice the pin before that moment is also fitting, since you usually become blind to the origin of what your body and mind determines as an incredibly vital survival reflex. Recognising and dealing with it is hard, and it's gruelling, and it usually takes years of therapy and and environment that doesn't require you to uphold your maladaptive reactions. Since this is shounen, we can't have Killua undergo years of therapy to recover, so this emotional character moment was super effective at making me tear up and cheer. It was satisfying. In a true shounen fashion, the power of Killua's love for his best friend has prevailed over his family-induced trauma.

Speaking of best friends, and this may be controversial:

Killua deserves so much better than Gon. Killua is so single-mindedly loyal and devoted to this oblivious boy who takes him for granted at every turn. I choose to read this relationship through a queer lens (Killua is in love with his best friend who barely even thinks about him), but it's not necessary for my point to stand.

So, obviously the friendship is not completely one-sided. Gon quite literally walked into Killua's assassin mountain home to drag him away from his abusive family. (An interesting side point: Killua chose to subject himself to the family's punishment, even though he could have walked away at any point. He had been programmed to believe he deserved it, which is very common in abuse victims.) Killua feels like Gon is the first person who valued him outside of his family, since he hasn't been allowed to make friends. Of course he's going to devote himself mindlessly to him. This is also quite common in abuse victims: you latch yourself onto whoever shows you kindness, because you fear that no one else will ever love you if they leave.

Meanwhile, Gon is completely absorbed with his own goal of finding his dad (who would deserve a rant of his own) and generally doing whatever he finds fun or interesting. He expects Killua to follow him but also seems entirely fine with the idea of parting ways. The fact that he's so blind to Killua's unhealthy devotion to him means that he will keep putting Killua into danger and uncomfortable situations (you know, since he says he's fine with it) without any regard for _why_ Killua is fine with it. I'm pretty sure Killua would be willing to die for his "best friend", and if he does, I swear I'm done with the show. This friendship is not balanced. It's not even codependent, since only one party is dependent on the other.

Now, I'm well aware that these are literal children (and moreover, literal shounen characters) whose emotional and character development is not done. I also love both characters dearly and their relationship makes for some good television. But I stand by my thesis statement: Killua Zoldyck deserves better.

PS. Go listen to Media Club Plus, they're great at delving into themes and characters.

[trauma-trove]

God, I just like NEED to vent abt this because it's knocking around in my brain and I can't really tell anyone/don't really have the energy to have a Conversation with anyone about it. I just need to vent.

TW for domestic violence (just yelling), references to feeling unsafe, prolonged covert abuse. Everyone mentioned here is physically safe!!

Within the last week, my brother realized his two roommates of about a year have been really abusive towards him and asked them to leave. They're not paying rent, doing chores, they're not on the lease, etc. They've never been physically violent or yelled at him or anything like that, but what they DID do was like, so weird and kind of insidious?

Like, the roommates would have these "conversations" with my brother, during which they would mostly talk at and lecture him about political issues, social issues, and his own personal flaws. Like, it's okay to have serious conversations with your roommates, but these conversations would last 4-6 HOURS, and they had these conversations almost every single day. That's not normal or healthy communication to begin with, but it was really abusive because if my brother didn't drop everything and have these conversations, they'd accuse him of "putting it off" and "avoiding his serious issues." They wouldn't let him sleep when they were up. They wouldn't let him nap during the day after work. They NEVER let him hang out or voice call or game with me because they were so busy monopolizing his time with these "conversations."

Like, I'm sorry, but if your attempts to "fix someone" requires that level of lecturing and time monopoly almost every single day, give up.

And then I found out most of their problems with him were about him being "emotionally unavailable" and "distancing himself from them" and I'm like. My mans was tired bestie!! All he does is work 6 hour shifts and come home to be politely bitched at with Therapy Words for hours and hours and hours on end. He's allowed to have some alone time. Quit taking it personally. The fact that he WASN'T doing anything really worth criticizing--let alone lecturing him about it so much--is just wild to me.

Anyway, this last week a couple things got thrown out of balance. My brother visited with some normal friends for a few days, and it gave him perspective on the whole situation. His roommates started going on about how they were So Afraid of being kicked out and shit, but my brother reassured them over and over again that he wasn't gonna do that.

Well. Cut to a couple days ago. They were having another one of their "conversations," and the MINUTE my brother tried standing up for himself for ONCE in his life, his roommates immediately blew up on him and then proceeded to scream at him through his bedroom door for 7 hours. SEVEN. HOURS.

They were being so hostile and not letting him speak and cutting him off and calling him a gaslighter and recording parts of their conversation on their phones, all while yelling at him for hours and hours and hours on end just because he told them he did not have the capacity to be their live-in therapist and bestest westest friend in the whole wide world 24/7. Like, I don't care what kind of problem you have with somebody; you can't just scream at your roommate through their door for 7 hours. Like who does that?? Hello??

It's weird to me because I feel like this form of slowburn abuse doesn't get talked about. But I know a LOT of abusers my age (gen z, essentially) who had this specific behavior of "have hours-long, deep conversations almost every single day with no boundaries." I do understand that you can get hooked on deep conversations, and they can even be obsessive-compulsive loops or a form of rumination for people with OCD, ptsd, bpd, and other conditions. But when you cannot appropriately regulate when you have these conversations and for how long, it becomes a problem. And if you have an extreme reaction like all that just because someone disagreed with you or put their foot down in a way you didn't like, it's 100% part of the abuse cycle.

Idk, theres so much more to the situation than that, but I really should save it for journalling and therapy. I've just been so overwhelmed by it. My brothers been giving running updates in the groupchat lol. And it's REALLY impressive that he put his foot down (even kind of going back on his word not to kick them out) just because they got aggressive over a stupid disagreement. My brother's been in one million abusive relationships. Neither of us ever really learned how to be a person. (If you've seen any other posts on this blog, you probably have an idea the kind of shit he went through.) So the fact that he sat on the other side of that door and said "nuh-uh, we don't act like this on barbie dot com. You stop yelling at me and you leave my house" is like. Really relieving to hear, I guess.

[aibidil]

Lots of talk about boundaries lately, and how boundaries can only be about your own behavior/responses, not someone else's. I first learned about this when parenting littles, where it's often referred to as "limits." I think the reason the concept of boundaries is so hard for people to grasp is that, pretty quickly, you realize this means you have to let go of a LOT of control that society has taught you to expect will flow to you through power hierarchies.

So often, people judged my parenting, and I had to explain that I wouldn't set a rule, or even a boundary, that I couldn't follow through on. Which meant that I had to let go of a lot, because I happened to have kids who have never in their lives followed a rule because it exists or to make their parents happy.

With kids, this means letting go of unreasonable (age-inappropriate) expectations for their behavior and telling them "no" 500 times a day, instead child-proofing your home to protect your own shit. It means saying "I won't let you hurt me" (and then not letting them, either by holding them away from you or removing yourself from the room) instead of "no hitting/no biting." It means focusing on problem-solving where every person's needs/wants are taken into account, it means creating a home environment where everyone knows you're a team and on each other's sides. It means a deep acknowledgement of how little control you have over another person's actions, even when that person is your child.

This is hard with parenting, especially early on, but I've found that it's way harder with an adult partner. We have such high expectations of our partners. We believe they're capable of change and being better. We want to be in a relationship with shared values and priorities and we hate seeing evidence that isn't true. But at the end of the day, it really is the same. I fundamentally cannot make you do something you don't want to do, so I should never expect I can. I can decide what kind of behavior I want in my life and leave (temporarily or permanently—that's an option you don't have in parenting) if you clash with that. I can say with words and actions "I won't let you hurt me," but I can't stop another's tendency to violence. I can make sure that my needs are taken into account with the same weight as yours, I can help create a home where chores are problem-solved in an equitable way, taking everyone's situation fully into account. I can model what I believe is good behavior, but I can't force those around me to reciprocate it.

Sometimes we fall into a trap of thinking about what we "deserve" in our relationships of all kinds, but I find that any time the notion of desert comes up, I've already lost. Because I do deserve to be treated with respect and support and acceptance. But that desert doesn't magically change the people around me. All it can do is act as a mental example for me, a reminder not to accept a shitty life for myself out of default behavior.

(For an extreme example, hink also about the incel/mgtow/mra types who talk incessantly about what they “deserve” in a relationship.)

This is why so much of leftist politics quickly requires a radical letting go of all power structures. Because once you decide that punishing/hurting people into behavior isn't acceptable, you have to confront what it means to allow others—everyone—to do things you'd rather they didn't. And at the end of the day, no matter if you believe in the power structures or not, you can't force another person to eat. I couldn't force my son at 2yo into the carseat. I can't force my mom to really learn about ADHD. I can't force my partner not to spend $ on shit I don't care about. But I can make choices about my own behavior, which includes who I surround myself with and how. I can insist that I won’t let you bite me. (Assuming I’m paying attention in time. I should’ve tattooed the bite marks onto my arm as a reminder of this.) I can help create an environment where people care about each other and want to what they can for each other.

(Fwiw, i don’t think this means libertarianism is the way. Because notice that even though my only control is over my own actions, it’s still tied up with others. I can problem-solve solutions that work for everyone, which is more likely to work if everyone in my family knows we’re on the same side. I can figure out better ways of organizing shit with my partner. We can develop systems that fit the problems we have. All of that works better than a “go it alone” hyper-independence. Funny enough, acknowledging that every human is their own person doesn’t necessarily make me raise myself up to a position of importance over everyone else. When you dismantle the power structures, when you see that each person is fundamentally autonomous, you can hope that what it triggers a feeling of smallness in the face of all, rather than a feeling of unhinged importance. Because in the world, like in families, it’s not about getting what you want at the expense of others, it’s about problem-solving in a way that takes everyone’s needs seriously.)

[boxingcleverrr]

So Kate and her (righteous, correct) annoyance at puritanical people unable to engage with Poor Things normally reminded me today of one of my faaaavorite Christian Romance Novels (tm) from back in the day. And I realized it's a perfect example of "why you sometimes NEED sex scenes, no hyperbole or moralizing required."

Jeanette Oke is a famous Christian author, I'm sure plenty of people have heard of the Love Comes Softly series, or When Calls The Heart series, cause they've both been made into tv shows - terrible ones, with terrible production values, lol.

If that's all you know her by, you might be surprised to learn that the source material doesn't suck! She tells a very good story, builds all kinds of relationships well, and definitely does way more historical research than the producers of any films/shows based on her work. They're very PG to PG13 as far as violence goes, no smut obv, usually with a religious message buried or shoehorned in there.

It's kinda like how Louis L'amour is an objectively solid writer of westerns, while adaptations are usually middling, cause his fanbase tends to be within uh, certain other (white) demographics who wish to push certain other (white) agendas via their traditional-looking settings.

But I digress.

Basically the writing = good and engaging. She coulda just been a wildly successful historical fiction writer, but yanno, gotta get something Jesus-y into EVERY tome.

Which brings us to my favorite, A Bride For Donegan.

This was a mail order bride story set in the 1880s I believe, based on the very real practice of skeezy agencies realizing they could make big money off frontiersmen looking for wives, via poor UK & European women and girls looking to escape poverty and blights. It follows one girl from Ireland stuck in a terrible home situation in England, who LEAPS at the chance to gtfo.

And the dynamic set up is very good, and a heart-wrenching portrait of her trauma! She'd endured sexist and racist abuse from her English stepmother, who drilled into her that no man would ever want her plain, overly-chatty, Irish self for a wife (gee I wonder why this appealed to 13 year old annoying, undiagnosed me). Donegan is a quiet, successful young rancher who has less character development, of course, he's just So Nice, Kinda Funny, and Tall. But the book does make it clear that he was looking for a friend first and foremost, to share this life he made with, and to draw him out of his shell.

So, quiet guy orders a wife, gets girl whose been told no man wants a chatty partner, much silent hilarity and misunderstanding ensues. These characters go on through a very good slow burn to break down that wall, they're cute and funny together, eventually have like, 5 kids? And of course in the last chapter Jesus gets found, yaaaaay (why is The Lord ALWAYS getting lost, does he not have maps). I always skipped the last chapter.

But even as a 13 year old virgin who was mostly still Jesus-pilled, I remember getting to points early on in the novel and being like, "wait. They've had sex?!"

There's ONE scene in the second act, where they're still barely talking to each other yet, when he worries that she might get pregnant while they're still relative strangers.

That's IT.

So this establishes that, in the say, 3-4 months they're first married, they're having sex like good married people should, but barely talking.

And though I had no experience at that point whatsoever, I just squinted at the page all, "So...what IS that sex life like? I am engaged in this slow burn that's happening, and yet I have no idea what's going through either of your heads when you KISS, let alone be more intimate. Are either of you worrying about how much the other person is engaged? Consenting?! This is the late 19th century, how much sex-ed do either of you have? Do you get any inkling of each others' softer sides when you undress before bed? Hell, do you snuggle in your sleep and wake up just...not addressing it?!"

Their bedroom is, otherwise, just a place we know all those kids get made, eventually, somehow.

Am I to infer that this guy, with a wry sense of humor to his internal monologue, is cool with this situation of just...begetting with a girl who I guess I should also infer is just lying back and thinking of Ireland?!

The story ends with them both delighted by each other, she chatty, he listening, riding horses and enthusiastically having babies. So obviously consent was there. But it was just so glaring and educational to me, what was missing, and that it was a huge, important aspect of their interaction and growth.

Not all stories are about or need sex, obviously. But any time I see people saying they're NEVER needed, like. Even as a good little church girl, I knew important lessons about how people in love interacted within intimacy were being left out of what I was consuming, and it was leaving a big gap in my understanding of how love and intimacy could look, good bad or somewhere unfinished in-between.

And no, as far as I know there's no fanfiction of this anywhere, haha of course there isn't (though I have years later found this LOTR fic about Eomer/Lothiriel that scratched that itch very well).

Humans have sex. Not all humans, but most, that's just a fact. Every part of messy human interaction has a place in storytelling, and when it doesn't, uh, well. A lot of people I know personally grew up assuming those blanks in their knowledge would just magically be filled in by....someone. Someday.

It didn't go great for a lot of them.