#no more than someone getting weirdly upset at me for having a personal distaste to a contradicting trans character headcanon

[catcatb0y]

Man I just wanted to watch a silly video and draw a little bit before I had to wake up at ten am, but people can't stop being Weird (deragatory) On The Internet. I'm gonna get less than five hours of sleep on a day where I'll get yelled at if I put in my headphones.

[narutocharacterpolls]

Now that the semi-finals polls ended, would you like to share your opinion on Kakashi's character? :)

Pie splat deserved

I think it’s obvious that I take in the story broadly through a Sasuke lens and so the biggest reason I hate Kakashi is because of the way he treats Sasuke. There are other reason sprinkled throughout but that’s why I mainly dislike him.

However firstly, I think it’s obvious based on the group of characters I’ve made clear are some of my favourites, but I’m very anti-Konoha and don’t like bootlickers. So that immediately makes me criticize Kakashi and knocks some respect I could have for him off.

Anyways, Kakashi is incapable of treating team 7, most specifically Sasuke but it does affect all of them, normally because he cannot stop projecting team Minato onto his team, and that heavily affects the ways that he interacts and treats his team. He obviously projects himself onto Sasuke and as a result treats him really weirdly imo due to his own self loathing. He teaches Sasuke (a severely traumatized child) the chidori in an attempt to alleviate his own guilt from creating the jutsu that killed his best friend. I really don’t see much, if any, reason that Kakashi did this outside of his own selfishness and he most certainly didn’t think it through in the context of Sasuke. Again, because he views Sasuke as a reflection of himself rather than being his own unique person. He then goes on to literally tie Sasuke to a tree and scorn him for using the chidori (and may I add— while I’m aware Sasuke asked for the fight against Naruto, Sasuke only raised the chidori in defence when Naruto raised his rasengan) and seeking revenge against Itachi (y’know, the man that killed his entire clan, manipulated him, and tortured him by making him watch Itachi killing his family for 72 hours straight), then he LEFT HIM THERE TIED UP TO THE TREE. Not to mention he once again reflects himself onto Sasuke by saying he personally didn’t seek revenge and chose to move on. They are not in the same situation. At all. Sorry but that just rubs on me very unpleasantly.

A lot of my distaste was actually from him in Shippuuden though because his treatment and attitude towards Sasuke just gets worse. When Sakura tries to go to kill Sasuke and he shows up he decides that getting Sakura and getting out isn’t the right thing to do, but decides it’s his turn to try to kill him….. Ehem….. Alright….. Claims that Sasuke has turned to some kind of dark side but claims Obito to still be a hero of Konoha later on….. What a man. Still on the topic of Sakura trying to kill Sasuke, he criticizes Sasuke not once, but twice (later on during a war…. There are bigger things to focus on here) about how crazy and messed up it was for Sasuke to attack Sakura…. When he didn’t just attack her, he acted in self defence after she tried to kill him. But does Kakashi critique Sakura outside of saying she knows she wouldn’t be able to beat Sasuke? No, he doesn’t.

With Sakura on the mind, literally during war arc (once again, more important things to focus on here) he tells Sasuke that Sakura suffers from loving him and that no one needs a reason to love someone, just to hate someone. This is such disgusting behaviour to me as he once again is discarding Sasukes feelings and what Sasuke has stated he wants. Sasuke had literally just told Kakashi how he feels but Kakashi does not care about what Sasuke desires. But it doesn’t matter to Kakashi because to him Sasuke is a reflection of himself and since Kakashi doesn’t view it that way Sasuke isn’t allowed to. It’s a really gross sentiment.

The whole thing of how Kakashi treated Tobi revealing the truth of the Uchiha genocide and the way he reacted to it is also incredibly upsetting. And that revelation still didn’t change the way Kakashi viewed Sasuke at all. He still felt it was right to try to immediately kill Sasuke rather than… Approach him in a similar way to Naruto. But whatever, I don’t feel like getting much into this whole thing though.

There’s other random things, he’s hypocritical within his view of Sasuke’s revenge, I find him overrated as a “powerful fighter”, I personally find him having the sharingan uncomfortable and undeserved, he did not show care for Sakura in the way he did to the other two in classic, bootlicker Hokage, ect., but I’m not going to delve into anything else because I don’t feel like it lol.

All in all I don’t care about people that do like Kakashi, but it annoys be that he’s so often portrayed as someone that he isn’t. I know there’s some good to Kakashi, I find his back story rather interesting as well, he has handled some things well, but the negatives heavily outweigh the positives for me. To Kakashi lovers that decided to read this, you are valid and it’s okay to like him. I just don’t.

[tiredrobin]

@avimaka hi, to preface im so so so sorry for how long this is. i love to talk so much, and i implore u to ignore this if ur like "what the hell calm down" HFHSDFHSDFHSD

nods. and thats, like, normal! for literally any fandom! theres always gonna be character interpretations that just dont Jive, but in a lot of cases im personally generally somewhat capable of putting that aside and still finding value and enjoyment in works with characterizations that dont necessarily fit My Vision. theres always some new angle to look at things, which is a nice experience, and even if i decide that the fic im reading has nothing to offer me beyond distaste, at Least its managed to help me better Understand Myself and my thoughts and feelings on the character in question

except, somehow, that isn't how it works with six!!! i get So Upset in a way that is distinctly silly and unproductive whenever an interpretation feels inaccurate, ESPECIALLY when i feel like the author is… glossing her over? i guess? she's a weird, awkward kid who does Weird Things like snap mannequin/prosthetic fingers out of place for apparently no visible reason and warm herself in front of a furnace fire someones being roasted in. (and like. i personally feel like she acts weird that whole chapter in a way that to me implies discomfort/stress, either due to general fear or what could be a particular trauma-based response. all of this takes place literally immediately after getting kidnapped by the bullies and rescued by mono!!! but its still Weird, shes still a little weirdo, and it bothers me so much when people reduce her weirdness to, like… "gremlin energy" or whatever. idk.*)

she clearly has a rich internal life, and we literally only see what she gives us. and a lot of what ive made brief contact with tends to feel weirdly reductive of that. add on to the desire to, like… idk, make her more Appealing? i guess? her actions are reduced as well into something easier to sympathize with. which is not in itself A Bad Thing or even Actually Reductive, because most people are sympathetic because most people are just doing their best. i am a firm loud Six Defender for Life and i think all her decisions have reason (MAYBE not Active Reasoning on her part, but at Least reactive-type reason) behind them, reasons i understand and will shout from the rooftops in order to add to my defense of her; and taken in that light, with those reasons, its a very simple matter to find her sympathetic. but what i've seen seems to either paint her in a distinct… uhm.

okay, so the issue is a little more complex than i can (or should) try to get into this post/reply-that-im-using-as-an-excuse-to-ramble. really what's happening—what all this nonsense im spouting sums up to—is that i have my own extremely particular concept of who she is (a traumatized nine year old with symptoms that arent pretty and look weird, all in my own particular flavor of understanding), and im not actually making room for other interpretations. i am so set into my personal nuance of her, nuance that literally no one can Perfectly Replicate because its nuance born of my own interpretation (an interpretation which is not The Only Right One, no matter what my brain insists), and then im getting Upset when the things i read dont hit all the beats i expect.

so ACTUALLY what im saying is that i keep throwing hissy fits (internal) over Perceived Slights against her character. my annoyance is unfair and in some cases obviously misplaced: most interpretations have value, even if i cant see it. people who write her as a gremlin-y kid have merit, and people who treat her like she's older (as in, knowing she's nine but writing her with the internal life of an older child) and should—but refuses to—have a stronger moral compass are Obviously acknowledging the themes of the story itself and channeling that thru her, even if it feels ultimately unkind to her. all these angles—and even the angles that outright change her decision to drop mono (which i really cannot jive with At All)—have merit and value but i'm over here holding a big sign that reads BUT IS IT WHAT I WANT???? as if thats the Only thing that matters. its NOT, but im acting as if it is

so ACTUALLY what im REALLY saying is i cant read little nightmares fanfiction because im being a huge nerd doofus about six. thank u for listening and im so sorry to subject u to this rant

—

*not to say she DOESNT have gremlin energy, its just that when people define her personality around that single aspect of herself it just feels frustrating and demeaning of her character and the story as a whole

worst thing on the planet is i cant actually read little nightmares fic because in my mostly isolated fixation space ive reached my own sort of conclusions and headcanons that im so invested in and firm about that anything i try to read has me going "but do you understand the layers of nuance to six" like cups my cheeks. "its fanfiction not an essay and the authors opinions are secondary to the actual contents and messages of their works" i tell myself, but my brain screams BUT ARE THEY NORMAL ABOUT SIX because i see so many people rewriting her actions or behaviors into something more palatable despite her character being the most goddamn compelling thing ive seen in MONTHS. so i try to read a fic and someone says something a LITTLE sideways of my thoughts on her and i just leave. like hi robin. how bout YOU be normal abt six

[laheyyisaac]

Overdue

chapter 1 — american legion

SUMMARY: Guinevere Bailey just moved to McKinney, TX in order to figure out her life. She meets Captain Hank Syverson at the local library, and she finds out she might have bitten off more than she can chew. PAIRING: Syverson x OFC WORD COUNT: 1299 A/N: hii! first fic here! just now starting. i’m going to be making a graphic for it if i can when i get back to my computer back home. inspired and encouraged by @promptandpros, so this first chapter’s for you, babe. thanks so so much to @alyxkbrl for reading over this one! if you’d like to be added to my tags list, please IM or inbox me! TAGS:  @promptandpros @alyxkbrl​ @completelybonkersentirelymad @mylifefallingupthestairs @kissthatlifeaway @dangerouslovefanfic PART 2

“Where’s Carly-Jean? Gwen, have you seen her?”

Guinevere Bailey glanced up from her cart of books, eyes wide as she sat down the one she was shelving. She shook her head, and her coworker nodded, zipping off to the next person. It had been a long day today, mostly filled with library patrons who were less than excited about some new feature they had rolled out. 

She had worked at her little library in McKinney, Texas for two years now. Gwen had been a former resident of Dallas, TX, and the significantly smaller McKinney was well received. Moving there had been the best thing she’d done, and she was only a 30 minute drive from Dallas anyway.

Her family was more sad than upset, and she made a habit to visit the house she’d lived in for twenty some odd years every now and again. Just to get filled up on casserole and the like. She’d left, mostly, because of her family. She’d desired to actually get away from them a bit more, so she’d moved out to Dallas proper when she was 20. Five years of that, and she had moved to McKinney. She was approaching 30 now, and she still had no idea what she wanted. Not really.

She supposed she could keep working with the library, but she wanted more. She had always wanted more. Sometimes she wanted the picket fence life with a baby on her hip. Other days she wanted to be a woman in charge of a career. Something exciting. Something boring. She wasn't sure what exactly she wanted yet. She was supposed to know. Thirty wasn't so far away.

"Gwen, go set up for the Veteran's thing in the auditorium." Her supervisor, Jerry, with his monotone and furrowed white brows, looked over at her, watching her zone out and, essentially, panic.

She nodded to soothe his fears, putting her books away happily and trudging towards the keys to grab the one's for the auditorium. It was short work, setting up the microphone and laptop for the PowerPoint. They were having someone talk today. Or rather, the American Legion was. Gwen didn't know. She only knew that they probably wouldn't know how to work the computer.

"Am I in the right spot?" Someone asked, and Gwen whipped her head around with a squeak at the sound. 

He was handsome, well built, and very tall. His head was buzzed, but his beard was almost unkempt, long but...looking rather soft. Gwen struggled for words. Obviously, he was in the right spot. He was dressed in a rather nice uniform. He was an army man by the looks of him. She swallowed and finally spoke up when she noticed his brow quirked.

“Yeah. You’re in the right spot. Though, you’re about a half hour early.”

He laughed and shrugged his shoulders, putting hands on his hips. “Well, my mama always told me that being on time was being late. Guess I still listen to her from time to time.”

“Smart.”

He looked at her name tag briefly and extended his hand. “Hank Syverson,” he said, introducing himself. Or at least, Gwenn assumed he was introducing himself.

“Gwen Bailey. Nice to meet you, Mr. Syverson,” she replies, shaking his large hand.

He shakes his head and waves his other hand in a sign of distaste. “No. No. Just...just Sy. If you want. Don’t go by Hank much, and Mr. Syverson is my pa.”

She grins as he keeps a hold of her hand. It’s warm, and he’s fairly warm. If not a bit scraggly. She reluctantly releases his hand and looks around. “Well, Sy, it’s lovely to meet you. Hope to see you around sometime?”

The question was open ended. She didn’t know if he lived in McKinney or if he just… was here for this....talk.

“Yeah. You need help with anythin’? My mama’s outside gettin’ books for my nieces and nephews, and I don’t really wanna go look at kiddie books for the next half hour.”

“Sure! Sure. You can help me set up these chairs. You look strong enough.”

His laughter makes Gwen feel warm inside. “Yeah, that’s what I’m good for, anyhow.”

Fifteen minutes later, they were done, and all Gwen really had to do now was wait for the American Legion folk. While they worked, she and Sy had talked about a few things. He was a captain in the US Army. He’d been stationed in a great many places, namely Baghdad, and he was on leave for the foreseeable future. He didn’t say why, and she didn’t have the heart to ask, considering he looked rather forlorn about it.

“My mama’s happy about it. She was over the moon when I told her I was comin’ back. She expected me to move back to my place in Dallas, but I missed home. Missed my family. So I’m temporarily a man child, living with my parents.” He laughed at that, his laugh so easy and sweet.

“What about you?” He asked. “You a McKinney native, or…?”

“No,” Gwen said softly. “Not really. My mom and dad live outside Dallas. One of those big Texas lady mansion houses. I lived in Dallas for a bit, but I left. Not sure why. Just got tired of it.”

Sy nodded, as though he understood. Maybe he did. Maybe he knew exactly what she meant. “I get that. It gets monotonous sometimes. We need changes of scenery.”

“You’re weirdly prolific, you know it?”

“Yeah, I’m dumb enough to say smart shit sometimes.”

“I like it.” Gwen hadn’t intended to say it like that, but he smiled nonetheless. They sat down in the chairs they set up, sitting with two chairs between them. She looked over at him, sitting in companionable silence. After a few minutes, he decided to say something, opening his mouth. 

“I was wondering if —” He was interrupted by the American Legion president, smiling and calling out his name.

“Hank Jr.! How are ya, boy?” He asked, and Gwen had to stifle a laugh. Sy was anything but a boy.

Sy stands and extends his hand, shaking with the president. His name was Jackson if Gwen remembered right. She was a little peeved at him, having been curious about what he’d been about to ask. Or say. Or anything.

She was at least hopeful this wouldn’t be the last time they’d see one another. She waved goodbye to Sy and spoke with Jackson for a moment, giving him all he’d need for his presentation. She felt Sy’s eyes on her back as she left.

A few hours later, Gwen was in the back, processing books. She rather liked the process, covering the books in dust jackets or tape to protect them. It was nice. Kinda fun too. She got into a rhythm, mind absent and thinking on Sy for the rest of the evening. He was nice. Genuine. Funny. Cute. All of the above. She wondered if she’d ever hear from him again. She cursed herself for not getting his number.

“Gwen?”

Gwen looked up at one of the clerks she worked with. Lacey. She was relatively young, younger than Gwen at least by a few years. Gwen gave her a smile and looked up, pausing her work for just a moment.

“That uhhh… guy who was at the American Legion thing…”

“Jackson?”

“No, the speaker guy. The younger one.”

“Yeah?” Gwen asked, unable to hide the anticipation in her voice.

“He left his number for you. I can throw it away if you want. I get dudes hitting on me all the time.”

“No! No, I’ll take it.” And Gwen plucked the paper from her hands, looking at the messy print. Sy. And then, 10 numbers that made her grin. 

[wellthatjusthappend]

Rainbowfish merjay just kinda wishing people would respect things like consent and boundaries regarding his scales.

Gah, rainbow fish always made me super upset. There’s sharing, and then there’s other demanding you harm yourself for other’s benefit. What a thing to put in a kid’s book. 

Here you go!

****

Slade was on a hunt for the young Mer with the diamond scales.

They weren’t actually diamond of course- they’d probably be less valuable if they were- but instead made from some sort of mutation that particular Mer had which caused some of its scales to crystallize. One merchant had described it like being able to hold every rainbow that would ever exist in your hand. 

Slade wasn’t quite that romantic, but he had gotten so see a small one up close and he could see how they could mesmerize someone. 

“I’ll give you half a million for every scale you bring me,” the merchant told him, “More, if you can get bigger ones than these.”

“I’ll see what I can do,” Slade said.

Some research had shown that that the scales might be worth possibly even more than that. The longer they were on the market, the more the demand grew. 

Slade had to find the Mer.

It was a lot more difficult than he’d anticipated, the little fish had gone into hiding. However, Slade wasn’t discouraged. He was a seasoned hunter, he knew he’d fine him eventually. 

It was the scales that gave him away in the end. 

Mer frequently lost scales when they rubbed up against rocks and coral. It didn’t hurt them anymore than human losing a few strands of hair in a brush. Slade notices that some of the scales were sticking weirdly to the rocks and found them covered in tar. Rubbing them off revealed that tell tale shimmer he’d been searching for. 

“Clever fish,” Slade hummed, tucking the scales into his pocket.

When he found the Mer, he was fighting for his life from a band of hunters.

That wouldn’t do. 

Slade dove into the fray and helped the Mer dispatch his would-be killers. Slade could see the logic: kill the Mer, take the tail and you would be the richest person on the planet. But it was short-sighted and wasteful, and Slade had no qualms about relieving the fools of their lives. 

“You alright, kid?” Slade asked.

“Like you care,” snarled the Mer, “Don’t lie, you’re after me just like the rest of those scum.”

It was hard to tell how much of the Mer’s scales had the mutation with the tar covering his tail, but Slade’s estimate was ‘enough’. There was also a streak of that shimmering silver in the boy’s black hair that suggested that the mutation wasn’t restricted to his scales. 

What bothered Slade was the scars. Now, it wasn’t unusual for a Mer to have plenty of scars, but this poor kid was covered in them, especially on his tail. Slade could tell there were whole patches where scales had been forcibly ripped off and never grew back. The boy’s color was weak, and his hair and tail gone slightly dull from the stress of prolonged hunting.

Wasteful, Slade thought angrily at his fellow hunters. The utter fools were ruining what could otherwise be a rich- and self renewing- treasure.

“I’m fucking done with the whole lopt of you,” growled the Mer, “I’m tired of assholes thinking they can just come up and take shit without asking. I’m tired of people thinking they can destroy my homes looking for scales I’ve shed. I’m fucking tired of having to look over my shoulder and finding fuckers like you looking to take a piece of me.”

“Understandable,” Slade nodded, backing off just far enough to let the Mer have his space.

“Here, just,” Slade held back a wince as the boy ripped off one of his scales without looking and extending it to Slade, “just take this and get the fuck away from me.”

The scale was twice the size of the one the Merchant had. Slade bet it was worth 2 million at least. 

He made no move to take it.

“What’s you name, little rainbow fish?” Slade asked.

“What’s it to you?” the Mer sneered. When Slade just held his gaze, the boy looked away and muttered, “...Jason.”

“My name is Slade Wilson,” he said, “And though it’s true I was contracted to get a few of your scales, I see no reason to hurt you by doing so.”

“What are you talking about?” Jason said wearily. Slade noted the way he’d tensed when he’d heard his name; so he wasn’t unaware of Slade’s reputation. Good.

“Let’s make a deal,” Slade said, a slow smile beginning to spread across his face, “If you let me have some of your scales when they naturally fall out, then I will provide you with absolute protection.” 

“You’re just greedy like the rest of them,” Jason wrinkled his nose in distaste. 

“I am greedy,” acknowledged Slade, “But perhaps not quite ‘like the rest of them’; If you came to live with me, your space would be your own, and I would never enter it unless you invited me there. I would never ‘harvest’ from you, and the only scales I would take would be the ones you freely give. If you decide to keep the scales you shed to yourself, then I won’t take them from you or allow anyone else to do so.”

A flicker of longing crossed the Mer’s face for one moment before it was hidden behind suspicion again. 

“Why would you do that? That doesn’t sound like a profitable situation. What’s really in it for you,” Jason asked, glaring at him.

“On the contrary, if you kept your scales to yourself it would only drive the price and value of them up because of their scarcity,” Slade said, shrugging, “And as the only supplier, that could only benefit me. In exchange, I would do everything in my power to ensure your happiness and safety.”

Jason shifted, his tail swirling around him testily as he thought it over, fingers absentmindedly tracing a scar on his flank where several scales had been ripped off by force. What wasteful fools. 

“Say I agree, what happens if I change my mind and want to leave later on?” Jason finally said.

Slade had to stop a triumphant smile from spreading across his face.

“You would be free to leave at any time,” he assured him. It might even be beneficial if Jason did decide to leave him for a brief time- just long enough to come swimming back into Slade’s arms at a taste of the brutality of life without his protection.

“Alright,” Jason said, raising his head and meeting his eyes, “You have a deal.”

[magioftheseas]

Staying Together as We Fall Apart

Summary: Komaeda's plan failed. It failed spectacularly and horrendously and there’s no recovering from it. Hinata Hajime ruined everything. And he really, really doesn't understand how things turned out this way. There's only one thing he's sure about. That he's glad Komaeda survived.

Rating: T+

Warnings: Blood, implied/threatened violence, mental instability and breakdowns, and panic attacks.

Notes: YAAAAAAA CHAPTER 5 FIC WHERE KOMAEDA LIVES FOR KOMAEDA DAAAAAY. It’s not very happy. I was also like requested this like, uh, five years ago. And have been working/procrastinating ever since. Yeah. This was a long time coming. But when I checked it it was like so close to done that I was just “what the hell” and finished it up. Yeah. Please enjoy. Or suffer. Everyone else already is.

***Alternate Ao3 Link***

Commission? Donate?

Will this ending be one of despair or one of hope?

It’s not like I’ll be around to see it, but, more than anything I want...

At some point, he grew numb to the burning agony all across his body. He just laid in silence in darkness, breathing heavily through his nose as the tape’s underside grew moist and slimy rather than sticky against his open mouth. Any moment he could shut his eyes tight and drift into painful darkness, but he resolutely stared upwards towards the ceiling and the hanging spear.

There can’t be anything but a brilliantly hopeful ending from this, right? That’s right... That’s right.

He’s going to die here. It shouldn’t matter.

But there was going to be a brilliantly hopeful ending at the end. It hurt now—it really, really hurt—but once it was all over, there’d be nothing but hope. Nothingness and hope.

So hurry up already, he can’t help but think, tiredly and irritably. Worthless despairs—how long are you idiots going to make me wait? Come over here right away—hurry up—

Hinata-kun...

“K-Komaeda?!”

Komaeda’s fluttering gaze shot open wide as he turned. Standing in the entryway, stiff and staring down with nothing short of unremarkable, completely expectable horror on his plain, plain features was Hinata-kun.

Komaeda’s grip on the spear slipped as both he and Hinata screamed.

--

“Guys?! GUYS?! Y-You’re here?!”

There was music playing, but they still somehow picked up on that exclamation.

“Hinata...?!” Souda gasped as Kuzuryuu cursed. “Hinata, where ARE ya? I-Is that nutjob...?!”

“H-Hold on...!” Hinata shouts and none of them could see him even as they looked around. “I... I’m on my way, just...!”

That was around when the fire started.

--

“S-Shit! Fuck! Guys! GUYS!”

“Hinata-san—! K-Komaeda-san?!”

“Hold on! We’ll do something about these flames!”

“Just—try to stay safe. Both of you.”

“H...Hurry...!”

This was absolutely incredible. This was amazing! This was, was...!

This was complete and utter despair. From the roaring flames to the rope that had been torn off to the hanging spear that Hinata had dragged him out from under.

Hinata was coughing from the smoke. But Hinata was still jostling him, trying to drag him further as Komaeda regarded him blankly.

“U-Urgh... H... Hang in there... Komaeda...”

Komaeda could’ve laughed if the sound wasn’t muffled and if it didn’t hurt to breathe so bad. Hinata is cursing over and over and rather violently, he shoves his tie over Komaeda’s nose. It doesn’t do much, it just makes it hurt more, but Hinata is trembling.

Hinata hisses suddenly. His shaking gets worse. His grip tightens and it’s worse than the blinding agony of his hand.

“K-Komaeda... Komaeda...”

Due to the flames, they’re trapped. For one brief, terrifying moment, Hinata seems as though he’s about to pass out from the smoke.

But through sheer force of will or something—something else, Hinata manages to stay alert until the sprinklers finally, finally go off.

And at that point, nothing else matters at all. Not even in the slightest. There’s not even any point in staying awake anymore.

“Komaeda...? H-Hey, Komaeda...! No, just... Just keep your eyes open...! Please!”

Hinata sounds so upset that Komaeda squeezes his eyes shut out of spite.

I should be the one crying right now.

It’s such a pitiful, vile thought. And the warmth of Hinata’s desperate embrace, the frantic brushes of his hand against his hair are all the worse for it.

I could die of humiliation right now. I wish I did.

“Hinata—! HINATA!!!”

“Guys! H-Hurry! I—I don’t know how much longer he’s going to last—please!!”

God. This is the fucking worst.

--

The others arrive. They see the state he’s in. Sonia screams. Kuzuryuu is the one who directs Hinata how to remove the knife embedded in his hand. That makes Komaeda scream, Hinata soothes him clumsily, apologizing softly, and, through his blurring vision—Komaeda can almost swear that someone is looking down upon him so coldly.

He wonders if it’s the traitor or someone else.

“Please... Take me back...” Once the tape’s removed, all he can do is beg like the worthless dog he is. “T-Take me back... I don’t... I-I don’t... I don’t...!”

“Don’t squirm so much, you asshole!”

“Please... Please...!”

“Komaeda, please! Calm down!”

“Just let me go back! Let me go!”

“K-Komaeda—!”

It hurts. It hurts so much. Aha. Haha. The person who’s looking down on me—

As he passes out, the only thing he’s sure about is that it’s not Hinata Hajime.

--

After that, well... Monokuma had seemed a little disappointed but who the hell cared. They managed to get Komaeda Nagito to the hospital, and after that, Hinata found himself in a painful position, too.

“Ow!”

“Uh, sorry.” Kuzuryuu does look really apologetic, clicking his tongue with a tense sigh as he tried cleaning the wound at least a little gentler. It still stung and had Hinata wincing as Kuzuryuu mumbled, near inaudibly, “I’m not exactly Tsumiki...”

“These don’t look that serious though,” Souda notes as he bandages his arm. “You can get some really nasty burns—but you uh, got real lucky, Hinata.”

“Lucky, huh,” Hinata mused.

Of course, Souda and Kuzuryuu both soured immediately. Souda in particular just let out a long, aggravated groan.

“Seriously what the hell even happened to that guy? Did someone seriously torture him or did that freak do all that shit to himself? Why did a fire get set off? What was with the bomb shit?! I told ya—we should’ve just kept him tied up from the start!”

“What I wanted to know,” Kuzuryuu murmured, low and deathly cold, “is why that fucker wanted to go back into the building so badly when he was...like that...”

“He was just crazy!” Souda exclaimed. “Since when does ANYTHING that asshole does make a lick of sense?!”

“I don’t think so...” Hinata spoke up suddenly and slowly. “Komaeda seemed...hysterical about something. I’ve never seen him get like that except when he had the Despair Fever. Surely he had a motive for pulling off a stunt that complicated and...if he really injured himself like that...”

Was he really trying to get himself killed? For what? Was he hoping we’d think he was murdered? That... Something’s off about all this...

“We can interrogate him later,” Kuzuryuu huffed. “For now, we’re letting Monokuma treat that idiot and then...”

“We’re getting out of here,” Souda finished, firm and final. “Even if we have to drag that psychopath after us on a chain leash.”

“Did you have to be so weirdly specific?” Kuzuryuu asked, flustering him.

“I-It was just the first thing that came to mind for some reason! Don’t ask questions! Don’t look so deeply into it either!”

Hinata, smiling a bit at the banter, faltered soon after.

...Something’s really, really off about all this.

--

“Hinata-san, I’m so sorry! If I had just realized sooner that the bombs were fake...!”

“Sonia,” Hinata put up his hands between the two of them, smile strained. “None of this is in any way your fault.”

“Ugh.” Owari’s nose wrinkled in distaste as she took in his bandages arms and face. “You look terrible, though. At least the bandages look about right. But if they get undone, I’ll fix ‘em later, alright?”

“Thanks, Owari,” he replied, nodding. His smile twists all the same. “But, really, I’m fine. So you don’t need to worry about me.”

Annoyingly, the one I’m worried about is...

“...That guy...how is he doing?”

Owari’s face soured immediately and even Sonia’s mood seemed to plummet. Incredibly, Sonia took a deep breath, demurely folded her hands, and she answered.

“Komaeda-san should survive.” Owari scoffed, but Sonia admirably went on. “But his injuries were...of course...much more serious than yours so he’s not...ready to take visitors quite yet.”

Hinata nodded as Owari rolled her eyes.

“Who the hell even cares?” she complained, loudly. “With how that asshole had us running around like idiots, this is just what he deserves.”

Sonia flinched, as did he.

“Look,” he said. “I’m pissed, too, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves here. He was tortured, Owari.”

“He coulda did that shit to himself,” Owari pointed out. “It’s pretty likely, ain’t it? Komaeda’s definitely crazy enough to do that.”

“...Then does that not make the situation even more disturbing?” Sonia asked quietly. “Komaeda-san is...extreme but...this was...so extreme.”

“Is it really that hard to believe?” Owari shot back. “He’s crazy. That’s all there is to it.”

Sonia had nothing to say to that, but Hinata thought it over, irritated.

No... Even for Komaeda, this was...

“Still, we don’t know the whole story,” he said. “Until then, let’s just...refrain for now. Haven’t the past few days been exhausting enough?”

Owari stills, and she falters, and she nodded.

“Yeah,” she replied, softly and gruffly. “Fair enough, Hinata.”

It’s then, that he remembers, and can’t help but ask.

“By the way...where’s Nanami?” Hinata wondered if she was just playing games. The lodge had been miraculously fixed and it wasn’t like there was much else but wait around while Komaeda recovered. He wouldn’t be surprised, even if he very bitterly envied her, too, if that were the case.

“She’s standing guard,” Owari said. “For that guy. Just in case someone actually was trying to kill him, or so she said...”

Well, never mind that. Hinata couldn’t help but be irritated with himself for thinking otherwise.

“Hinata-san...” Sonia very carefully touches his shoulder. “You should get some rest. Do you want to rest here or back at your cabin? I do not mind accompanying you.”

“Me neither,” Owari added. “It’s not like I have anything better to do.”

“You can help Nanami-san guard Komaeda-san,” Sonia pointed out. And she rolled her eyes hard.

“I don’t have anything better to do.”

That irritation flared up even more.

“Actually,” Hinata cut in with a bit more force than necessary. “I’ll just...use one of the beds here. It’s no big deal and... I’m not in the mood to walk all the way back. You two can just...go.”

The way he spoke didn’t seem to have much in the way in room to argue, but that was just fine. Owari nodded like it wasn’t even a problem, and Sonia complied ever politely.

“Feel free to use the buzzer if you need anything,” she said. “Kuzuryuu-san already agreed to stay here just as he had before.”

Before...that’s right, this isn’t the first time Komaeda’s had to fight for his life in this stupid hospital...

Thinking that...really annoyed him so much more.

“Thanks, Sonia.”

--

Trying to get to sleep was decidedly an absolute pain in the ass. Even with the painkillers and bandages, there was hardly a position he could find that didn’t press into his wounds and cause them to ache. Stupid fire. Stupid Komaeda. Stupid culprit behind all this who very well and very easily could have also been Komaeda. Fucking Komaeda.

He didn’t have a great dream, either. Everything was burning, even his feet, and Komaeda wouldn’t stop laughing, laughing, laughing as Monokuma batted Hinata around like a ball of yarn. He woke up, groggy and pained and even more irritated.

And in one of the other beds, Nanami slept so serenely he wanted to scream. He did, in fact, muffle said scream against a pillow. And Nanami stirred awake.

“Hinata...kun...?”

“It’s nothing.” The words come out like a croak. What Hinata wouldn’t give right now to choke on a frog. “So you’re...taking a break from guarding, Nanami...?”

“Mm...” Nanami pushed herself up, rubbing at her eye with a soft yawn. “Kuzuryuu-kun’s guarding. So is...Monomi, I think.”

“I see,” Hinata replied.

“Ah, Komaeda-kun should be awake and available to visitors in a bit,” Nanami went on to say. “He’ll be...hungry, I think. Should I bring him something?”

“He has IVs in, doesn’t he?” Hinata muttered. “So he’s not being starved this time.”

“I suppose that’s true,” she agreed.

He couldn’t help but get more annoyed, and he shoved himself up.

“Nanami,” he said. “How long ago did you and Kuzuryuu switch?”

“Um...” She squeezed her eyes tight, trying to think. “A few...hours...? Three...or five? I dunno. I’ve been asleep for most of that time, I think.”

“There’s a clock, Nanami.”

“Oh... So there is.” Nanami blinked at the clock Hinata had gestured toward, and she nodded. “Yep. Five hours. I napped for a while, huh.”

Hinata stepped out of the bed, running fingers through his hair.

“Are you gonna go?” she asked, blinking those pink doe eyes at him next. “I mean, I should go, I think...since I agreed to guard him first...”

“Nanami,” he said, sighing. “It’s not like I have anything better to do when I can’t get any amount of decent sleep like this.”

She blinked once. Twice. And then, her head tilted. “I suppose that’s true.”

He supposed.

--

“And you’re sure you’re alright?”

“Yes, really.”

“...Hm.”

“Kuzuryuu, really.”

Kuzuryuu sighed, but he nodded all the same, patting Hinata’s shoulder. It doesn’t hurt. Not really. But he can’t help but remember how he supported Komaeda’s surprisingly slight frame on that shoulder.

Kuzuryuu is on his way soon after that, leaving Hinata just waiting there, outside the door, with the light still on, signaling an operation in progress. And so, Hinata sits down, and he waits.

And waits.

And waits.

--

He’s not sure how long it is. He wasn’t keeping track, not really.

(But if he did, he’d guess it had been about 4 hours, 52 minutes, 29 seconds, and 13 milliseconds. But that’d just be a guess. Just a guess.)

The doors open, and Monokuma waddles out. He pretends to look as surprised as he is quite disgustingly delighted.

“Hinata-kun! How nice of you to visit your dear, dear friend!”

“How is he?” he asked, voice gruff. “Did you kill him?”

“Moi? Of course not! I’m a bear of my word!” Monokuma exclaimed, giving a dreamy, flushed smile. “To disappoint you is such easy despair... But at the same time, it’s too easy. I might as well fulfill my words and wait for you to disappoint yourselves.”

“That’s nonsensical,” Hinata huffed. “How long will it be before Komaeda can take visitors?”

“Oh, you can go in there now!” Monokuma said. “There’s no need to wait! Just dive right in! He was up for a while anyway. All while I was working on him! Creepy, huh?”

He wasn’t even surprised, be it at Komaeda in general or at Monokuma’s usual audacity.

“...He’s going to be in a bad mood, then,” Hinata muttered, guessing. “Is he in pain?”

“Despairing agony, Hinata-kun! What else would you expect from your darling headmaster?” Monokuma blinked at him, all spinning flowers and sparkles. He winked, and it wasn’t any better. “But he’s beary, beary stubbornly alive. I can’t help but be beary impressed!”

This was getting difficult to...tolerate.

“I’m going to see him, then.”

“Heh?! So soon?! Gosh, you boys really are impatient, huh? So ready to get down and dirty!” Monokuma panted. Then he giggled, vibrating with delight. “You’re such a good friend, Hinata-kun! No, even closer than a friend, perhaps... A soulmate?!”

Souda said something like this. He takes it even less seriously now because it’s Komaeda, for fuck’s sake.

“Are you going to get out of the way or do I have to walk around?” he asked snappily. Monokuma stiffened, and then twirled out of the way.

“I’ll forgive you now, but never speak to your headmaster like that again!” He brandished sharp claws with a sharper gleam in his beady little eye. “Or else!”

“Yeah, yeah,” Hinata muttered and didn’t even look at him as he opened the door and let himself in.

Then and there, it’s like a weight dropped onto his shoulders, leaving him struggling to do something as simple as swallow.

“...O... Oi... Komaeda...?”

--

He hadn’t gotten an answer at first. Komaeda wasn’t even looking at him. Komaeda was still lying down on the hospital bed, wrapped in bandages, gaze on the window. It was...reminiscent to when this had been Kuzuryuu in what felt like so, so long ago. But even then, Komaeda looks so much smaller, so much frailer, than even Kuzuryuu.

Hinata steps forward, and the weight on his shoulders shifts and threatens to shatter him in a moment’s notice if he’s not too careful.

“Komaeda.”

Nothing.

“Komaeda.”

Still nothing.

“Komaeda,” Hinata growled. “I know you can hear me, so just...answer already. For fuck’s sake.”

“Forgive me,” Komaeda said so airily. “I didn’t think I was listening to anything important.”

God, what a jackass.

“Komaeda, we need to talk.”

Komaeda still wasn’t looking at him.

“Komaeda...” His voice rose. “Oi...!”

“You’re so noisy,” Komaeda cut in dryly. “You can’t even give me time to gather my thoughts? My, my, for a reserve, you’re especially careless.”

Hinata flinched, and he slumped.

“...how are you feeling?” he asked lamely. “You...lost a lot of blood...”

“You don’t say,” Komaeda replied dully, still staring out the window. Hinata could almost see that unimpressed face reflected in the glass. “Any other stellar observations, reserve-san?”

Hinata grits his teeth.

“That situation,” he growled. “Who did that to you? The others said...that you left a video claiming that you’d expose the traitor. Well? Who is it? Or was that another lie?”

“Who knows,” Komaeda said so simply it infuriated him even more.

Is he even taking this seriously?! And after he got tortured!

...tortured...

Hinata’s eyes swept over him again, taking in those bandages...those slender limbs with protruding bone...

He can’t imagine how much it would’ve hurt. The burns were a minor anguish but for Komaeda, who got smoke into those open wounds... It must have been searing agony.

Warily, Hinata drew closer.

“Komaeda... Come on,” he said, raising his hands. “You... You have to explain at least some things.”

Finally, Komaeda looked at him. He looked at him...like he was a fucking idiot.

“No,” Komaeda said. “I don’t. It doesn’t matter.”

The hell it doesn’t.

“That’s for me to decide,” Hinata said, tensing. “Either way, I’m not going to let you wiggle out of this. With everything you’ve fucking done, I demand at least some kind of explanation.”

“What if I don’t comply?” Komaeda asked, blinking at him almost innocently. “What are you going to do? Torture me?”

And just like that, Komaeda’s eyes lit up with bright mania.

“I’m sure Kuzuryuu-kun knows a few methods! Ooh, maybe Sonia-san would know some as well? I’m sure Souda-kun can get pretty creative if he puts his mind to it. Maybe Owari-san can hold my head under water?” Komaeda’s lilt dropped to a low jeer just as Hinata began to see red. “Hey, Hinata-kun, what kind of games do you think Nanami-san would like to play—?”

Hinata’s features latched onto his robe as he was yanked up to eye-level, the other scowled with the ugliest of glares.

“What the fuck is your problem?” Hinata hissed, practically spitting into his face. “What have we done?”

Komaeda blinks at him.

“What have you done,” he repeats, less like a question and more like a deadpan. “What have you done—oh goodness, surely you aren’t seriously asking me that?”

“Yes!” Hinata shouted, bluntly and furiously. “Because I’d REALLY like to know! It’s one thing for you to treat me with disdain for being talentless—but it’s another thing for you to treat everyone else with just so much...malice! Don’t... Don’t tell me this is still all about your bullshit with the idea of hope...!”

“Yes, that’s exactly what it is,” Komaeda says without missing a beat. He meets his burning glare with flippancy. “It’s because of hope. I was going to bring upon the ultimate hope. And you got in my way, Hinata-kun. Isn’t that so inconsiderate of you?”

“Inconsiderate?! What even the—?!”

There was a loud, resounding thud as the back of Komaeda’s skull cracked from Hinata shoving him into the wall. And somehow, that sound had Hinata cutting himself off immediately, his grip loosening as Komaeda’s eyes fluttered open and shut blearily, dizzily from the impact.

After a moment of Hinata still with shock at himself, Komaeda finally groaned, whining.

“T-That... That really hurt, Hinata-kun....!”

Hinata yanked himself back, heart thumping hard against his ribcage, hands trembling as he clenched them into tight, painful fists.

“S... Sorry... S-Sorry, I didn’t mean to...”

“If you were any rougher, I could have gotten a concussion. I could have died,” Komaeda pauses while gingerly rubbing the back of his head, and his gaze flickers upwards to meet widened hazels. “Is that what you were planning? Were you going to have everyone think I died from these other injuries?”

“NO!” Hinata shouted, and then quieted. “N-No... No, it was just an accident... I’m sorry, I just... I’m not...”

I’m not really that kind of person, right?! I wouldn’t do that—right? But all this time, I thought I had a talent when in reality...

“Oh, don’t be so melodramatic,” Komaeda scoffed. “I wouldn’t let myself get murdered by a mere reserve student. I was just in the middle of telling you that plan wouldn’t have worked.”

“Let... Let’s not talk about this...” Hinata says, swallowing, and then remembering. “The traitor. You said you were going to expose the traitor. Who was it?”

Komaeda’s mouth shut.

“You did all that bomb scare nonsense to lure out whoever the traitor was—and according to the others, you left a message saying that...” Shaking his head, Hinata pushed forward. “Who are they? Who the hell have you been doing all this for? Were they the reason I found you like...?”

“It doesn’t matter,” Komaeda finally answered. “It doesn’t matter at all, Hinata-kun.”

“The HELL it doesn’t!” Hinata exclaimed incredulously.

“It doesn’t.” Komaeda didn’t even blink. “It really, really doesn’t.”

“Komaeda,” Hinata hisses. “I don’t care if it does—I demand to know.”

“Because it’s the demands of a reserve course student matter to me now?” Komaeda asks, narrowing his eyes into something sharp. “You don’t even deserve to lick dirt off my shoe, Hinata-kun.”

“Screw you—I TRIED to understand you, I really did!” Hinata yelled, voice rising higher and higher. “I listened to you—I put up with you for hours! I didn’t have to! I didn’t even want to!”

Komaeda gave him a look that made him flinch. Still, he refused to back down.

“That was your choice,” Komaeda simply said with a shake of his head. “In no way did I ask for it.”

“Except you did,” Hinata hissed. “Don’t lie to me so shamelessly, you asshole. I remember you asking me to listen to you. Which I did up until the point you proved it was all just a waste of my time.”

“Ooh, you really believe that’s what happened? Goodness, Hinata-kun, I can’t believe I had it so wrong!” The saccharine of his tone just oozed with sarcasm. Komaeda’s sugary sweet smile soon dropped, now cold and unimpressed. “Even if that were remotely accurate to what happened, you still shouldn’t expect repayment for your wasted time. That’s disgustingly conceited and entitled.”

“I’m not asking for repayment!” Hinata exclaimed, furious. “I just want some DAMN answers!”

“Why?” Komaeda asks, and then demands, “Why?! Why does it even matter to you?! Hinata-kun, I already said—!”

“You said you were sure I had an amazing talent,” Hinata said, cutting him off. “You said you’d sacrifice yourself for everyone else. You said you didn’t want to die without someone loving you. And guess what, Komaeda?” His tone dropped into something severely low, and bitterly cold. “All of that—you took back. So forgive me if I don’t give much thought to the bullshit you’ve already said.”

It’s maybe the third time he’s seen Komaeda at a loss for words. It’s probably the second time that Komaeda’s sincerely been at a loss of words. With the way Komaeda stares back at him, stricken, wide-eyed and mouth ajar with shock before opening and closing uselessly—Hinata finds he doesn’t doubt this face at all.

And, despite everything, that makes guilt gnaw at him. And how stupid is that? He didn’t say anything wrong, right? It’s Komaeda’s fault for being such a liar, isn’t it? Komaeda’s always trying to trick everyone—he needs to be put in his place.

...what place is that?

Hinata’s shoulders slump as he lets out a heavy, heavy sigh.

“I just...” He says, the words dragging out before he sighs again. “I just don’t understand any of this. Even compared to what you’ve already done—this whole thing just... It’s completely insane.”

Komaeda’s mouth firmly shuts. But his lips are trembling. His eyes are even glimmering. Hinata immediately perks up with surprise.

He looks like he wants to cry.

That can’t be right.

“I... I just want some explanation for all this. There has to be a reason for it. Please...” When did he start pleading? “Komaeda, was the information in that handbook you found really just about me?”

Komaeda blinks at him, giving no other visible reaction. He doesn’t look close to tears anymore, but Hinata wasn’t sure if that was an improvement. Komaeda just stares and stares like the words didn’t even register until,

“What do you think, Hinata-kun?”

“I think—no, I’m sure you lied about that.” He’s absolutely positive now. And suddenly, vague pieces are clicking into place even if he’s sure he has nowhere near the whole picture. “There was more information in there than just my profile. There’s... There’s stuff in there about everyone, isn’t there?”

Komaeda doesn’t answer. He presses.

“It’s not just me you got irritable with after you read that thing. It was with everyone. You—you got so cruel,” Hinata trembles a bit, and asks, “What about us did you learn to make you act like that towards us? What did we do?”

“Oh, Hinata-kun,” Komaeda says, with dull interest. “You’re getting pale. Are you alright?”

“You’re avoiding the question.”

Komaeda avoids his stare. Instead, he asks, quietly, “Were you like this when Nanami-san found you by the Final Dead Room?”

“I—!” Realization immediately smacked him hard in the face, and his eyes went from wide to sharply narrowed in suspicion. “How the hell do you know about that?”

“Lucky guess!” Komaeda chirps with so much cheer that Hinata wanted to punch his face in. Again, there was that innocent smile on his lips—and again, Komaeda’s lashes lowered over a soft, disingenuous gaze. “I’m glad the two of you had that moment.”

“That—! That has nothing to do with anything right now!” Hinata practically shouted.

“And this interrogation of yours is getting increasingly meaningless, Hinata-kun,” Komaeda said easily, still so insufferably calmly. “So, I figure, if you’re going to waste my time...”

“Then what the hell was up with that torture scene?!” Hinata demanded impatiently. “Did you really do all that shit on your own?!”

“If I just say yes, will you drop the matter?” Komaeda asks, almost childishly.

“Why would you do something like that to yourself?!”

“As a form of self-flagellation, maybe?” Komaeda says it like he’s guessing. “Or purification? I could’ve been trying to exorcise a demon. It just got a little messy.”

“With your blood?!”

“Was it my blood?”

“It was definitely your blood!”

“Are you sure?”

“What else could it have been?!”

“Hmm...”

“Komaeda, you’re not taking this seriously!”

“Nope.” Komaeda’s wide, bright smile was absolutely shameless. “And you shouldn’t either. Do you want to know why?”

Hinata, helplessly flustered and frustrated to the point of tears, could only humor him. “Why?”

“Because I did in fact plan everything. Everything that happened, from the fake bomb scare to the state you found me in—it was all part of my plan. And you know what else?” Komaeda didn’t even wait for his response, and instead shrieked, “My plan failed! It failed spectacularly and horrendously and there’s no recovering from it! I failed, Hinata-kun, I failed at everything I wanted to accomplish because of you! You, Hinata Hajime—you ruined EVERYTHING!!”

Hinata actually did flinch back.

“You ruined everything,” Komaeda repeated, breathlessly like almost he couldn’t believe it while the darkness in his eyes swirled and swirled into something tumultuous. “You ruined everything, Hinata-kun—you truly are the Ultimate Despair...”

“All I did was save you,” Hinata heard himself replying, and he sounded weak and pitiful. “What even the hell? You’re accusing me of causing despair from something like that? You wanted to die that badly? You wanted to die like that? If you really feel that way... If you really, truly felt that way...”

“Hi...” Komaeda blinks, irises still unsettled but also blank and dazed. Hinata saw his own hands reach for him—“Hinata-kun...?”

His thumbs barely brush against the tender pulse in his throat. Hinata feels just how thin that neck is as his finger wrap around it. He remembers Owari’s grip—and he sees that there are still bruises on the pale skin here. Owari’s fingers were—just a little thicker than his own...

“Hinata-kun...” Komaeda seems completely calm now. His voice doesn’t even shake, and he meets his stare evenly, defiantly. “Hinata-kun.”

Hinata’s completely still. He doesn’t squeeze, and he doesn’t pull away. It’s like he’s gone completely frozen and his brain just...stopped.

“Hinata-kun, I’ll scream,” Komaeda says, hissing with promise.

Hinata yanks himself away with a strangled gasp, his heel just slipping underneath him and making him crash harshly onto his back against cold, hard tiles.

It hurts.

He’s shaking all over. It hurts.

His breathing is rushed and harsh but it feels like he’s the one choking. It hurts.

His vision blurs—it hurts.

Everything seems to be shutting down—it hurts!

He’s panicking. He only barely hears Komaeda’s dull, uninterested drone overhead.

“Oh, Hinata-kun’s having an attack.”

It hurts. Hinata’s struggling to scream.

“Hinata-kun, your face is turning purple.”

His face is damp with tears and sweat, and his nails are scraping and scrambling against tiles as he tries and fails to push himself up. It hurts. Help.

“Hinata-kun.”

Help.

“Hinata-kun.”

Please help.

“Hinata-kun...”

PLEASE HELP ME!!!

“Hinata-kun.” A cold, almost skeletal hand closes around his from where it’s fruitlessly reaching. It squeezes, and with a choked-up sob, Hinata squeezes back. “Breathe.”

It’s difficult. It’s difficult, but he manages.

“In and out, Hinata-kun. It’ll be troubling if you suffocate now and I get blamed for it, you know?”

Hinata breathes. He nearly chokes.

“How careless and selfish can you be, I wonder? Reserve course students shouldn’t be this troubling. You really are a disappointment.”

Hinata nearly tightens his grip on that hand—but he takes in another breath, and he breathes. In, and out, in, and out, in—

“Ah, Hinata-kun, you’re really starting to hurt me. Do you want me to be with two bad hands? How heartless of you. You’re really...”

“Shut...!” Hinata gasps, swallows, and then pulls himself up. His vision spins for a minute but he shakes his head, and he musters up a tearful glare at Komaeda’s straight-lipped, unimpressed face. “Just shut the hell up, Komaeda.”

Komaeda is, of course, unmoved. “Do you still need my hand, Hinata-kun? Because I need it, too.”

Hinata releases him with a scowl. He yanks his own hand back as though it’d been burned, and it was tingling. He rubbed at it, and groans.

(He wouldn’t admit this now or ever, but before he let him go, there was a solid few seconds where he hesitated. Where he hadn’t wanted to let go—and even the part of him that would’ve acknowledged that, would’ve been quick to wave it away with a case of fear. He only ever approached Komaeda due to fear once he learned the truth. That’s all there was to it. Right? Right.)

“I’m really not going to get anything out of you, am I?” Hinata asks, low and almost despondent. “I’m...just wasting my time.”

“He does learn!” Komaeda exclaims with awe and mock-surprise, hands pressed together “Oh, Hinata-kun, you finally understand! After how long?”

Hinata glowered, but it soon faltered as his gaze fell to Komaeda’s hands—to all the bandages wrapped around his right. When his gaze lowered even more, he almost let out a hiss at realizing that the way Komaeda was sitting caused the robe to ride up, exposing his bandaged thighs. He can’t begin to imagine how wretched the scars would be.

That is, if Komaeda survived that much longer. That is, if Komaeda didn’t try something like this again and succeed.

How can you smile like that when like this? If—if this is really your own doing... Then...why? Why would you want to die like this? If the spear hadn’t gotten stuck, you would’ve been impaled, too, and there’s no way you would’ve survived—

“...Komaeda... Does it hurt?”

“Your grip had been rather tight, but it’s fine now,” Komaeda says, and he smiles. “No worries.”

“That’s...” Hinata hesitated. “That’s not what I meant.”

“Oh?” Komaeda asks with a tilt of his head. Hinata’s stare drops—or it would have, had his eyes not gotten caught on all the tubes taped to those long, skinny arms. He swallows, but Komaeda goes on without a care. “What is it you meant, Hinata-kun?”

“Those injuries...” he mumbled. “Do they still hurt? I... It looked really bad when I found you... Most people would’ve died from blood loss, but you...”

You really inflicted all that on yourself...?

“It’s not as agonizing as before—but maybe that’s the pain medication, or maybe that part of my brain shut down. I’m not sure!” Komaeda’s so cheerful as he exclaims that. “It doesn’t matter—they’re not going to kill me, after all.”

“They could have...” Hinata swallowed. “If I hadn’t shown up when I did... You could’ve...”

“That doesn’t matter,” Komaeda said simply. “I’m still alive, aren’t I?”

Despite the brightness of the smile, despite the wideness of that grin—there was no doubting the stony resentment underlying those words.

Still...

“Yeah,” Hinata just agreed with a cold, cold nod. “Yeah, you are. Thank god.”

--

He ends up leaving without another word. He had his answers—not enough of them, but he had some. Honestly that was more than he even expected.

He feels exhausted. So beyond exhausted, but he has to keep guard.

“Hinata-kun...? Uu...”

He’s really not in the mood so he just ignores Monomi and her pitiful stare.

“U... Um...” She hiccups. “It must have been awful...so, so awful... But thank goodness the two of you survived... I’m so glad...”

“No thanks to you,” he huffed. She flinched. “It’s because of you that we’re on this damn island in the first place. Hell, it’s because of you that we don’t remember and what we don’t remember is what...”

...what Komaeda’s so angry about...what could that possibly be? What did he find out?

He has half a mind to go break into Komaeda’s cottage for more clues, but when he thinks about how Komaeda looked ready to cry, he feels almost disgustingly ashamed with himself.

Even though it’s that guy—even though he did all of this... Even though there’s no way someone like him would ever care...

Except. Komaeda had let him hold his hand. Komaeda told him to breathe. Even if it was just to avoid the trouble, he did that, too.

He was the first one to offer him a hand, but also the one who started the killings. He helped them during the trials, but he needlessly confused and aggravated them, too. He had smiled at him so openly, so innocently—and he had looked down upon him as if he were nothing more than filth.

Someone like that—who we all hated and thought several times over we’d be better off without—wanted to die so badly.

Just how the hell had things gone so wrong?

He wanted to cry, too.

I won’t let him die. The thought is almost fervent. I’m never going to let him die. No matter what I have to do—I won’t ever just let Komaeda die. Not until he’s answered for all he’s done. But—even then, I... I don’t...

Hinata buried his face into his knees.

“H-Hinata-kun?”

“Upupupu, such delicious despair!” He hears the bounce of Monokuma’s arrival. He hears Monokuma’s panting. “Like a siren’s call!”

“Eek! What are you doing?!” Monomi shrieked. “L... Leave him alone! Isn’t this enough?!”

“Ohhh? What’s pissed your diaper, baby sister?”

“S... Shut up!”

“Ohhhhh?”

He can’t be bothered to care about the mascots bickering. Even when he hears Monomi yelp from having her ears pulled. Monokuma terrorizes her as always and he’s just tired of all of it. The only thing that mildly concerns him is the fact that their ridiculous back and forth could wake up Komaeda.

If Komaeda was even sleeping at all.

Maybe...I should’ve waited...? Aha. Haha. What the hell, me? It’s not like Komaeda would appreciate that—he called you Ultimate Despair just for saving him.

Ultimate. Despair.

Hinata jolted up. Monokuma was still kicking Monomi, but he did get their attention.

“I remember hearing about the World Destroyers, the Future Foundation,” he finds himself rambling. “But—has there ever been anything called the Ultimate Despair?”

The crimson of Monokuma’s eye gleamed, and Monomi recoiled so violently.

“W-Why are you asking that, Hinata-kun?!”

“Yes, Hinata-kun,” Monokuma said, so cheerfully calm. “Whyever do you ask?”

Hinata opened his mouth and then he shut it.

It’s not just Komaeda’s mad ramblings... Ultimate Despair... He called me that—for a reason.

“It’s something I remembered dreaming about.” The lie tastes like nothing. “That’s all.”

“Sounds like quite the despairing nightmare, hmm?” Monokuma asks. “Goodness! They grow up so fast!”

The hell does that even mean? No. Honestly. I don’t fucking care. I have enough on my plate trying to figure out Komaeda. I know for a damn fact that Monokuma takes joy in frustrating and infuriating others.

“I-It’s just a nightmare,” Monomi whimpered. “J-Just an awful, awful nightmare...”

“Hush, Monomi!” Monokuma stomped on her harshly. “Don’t interrupt this very important conversation!”

What Komaeda said was significant—Monokuma likely knows the truth behind it... But I shouldn’t trust him to tell me anything. Not for a second.

“What’s so important about it?” he finds himself asking anyway, but he keeps up his guard.

“Weeeeeell,” Monokuma sing-songs, and that red eye gleams brightly and maliciously. So much so that it’s almost blinding. “If you really want to knoooooow, I can just tell you outriiiiiiight.”

“N-No...!” Monomi’s gasp is barely above a whisper.

Of course I know it won’t be that easy, Hinata thought dully. If it were—that would be boring.

...

...

...boring?

Hey.

Hey, hey, hey.

Where the hell—did that even come from?

He feels cold. But he wonders if that’s a trick of the mind, if he really feels anything.

“Actually.” He barely even hears himself right now. “Never mind. I don’t want to hear it.”

“Oh?” Monokuma tilts his head. “What’s up with that face?”

What face? I don’t feel anything.

“Hinata-kun...?” Monomi pushes herself up weakly. “U-Um... Um...?”

“It’s nothing,” he said. “Nothing at all. Both of you exhaust me. You...”

Bore me.

“Annoy me. So I’m done.”

“Huuuuh? Hinata-kun?”

“Hi...nata-kun...?”

Hinata opens the door to Komaeda’s room, and he slams it shut so that it’s between him and them. After that, it’s quiet. He can’t hear anything, anything at all—except a soft sigh. Softer shifts.

Blinking, Hinata turns to Komaeda, sleeping after all. He looks peaceful. Serene. Even when covered in those bandages. Hinata feels his lips twist, but he’s not quite sure what they twist into.

Komaeda...you really do cause a lot of problems, don’t you? But at least you’re still here. That’s all that matters.

He strides forward, idly brushing Komaeda’s hair back, watching him sleep on. Like this, he really does look so innocent. The ivory strands are finer than they look. Funny, that.

Hinata inhales. Exhales. He feels...strange. So strange. He’s not sure if he feels like himself or not.

Things just feel—strange.

It’s late. Something’s flickering. It’s strange, it’s strange, it’s strange.

Tomorrow—we’re going to get to the bottom of everything. Tomorrow... Komaeda will still be here and he’ll help us, whether he wants to or not.

Cupping Komaeda’s face, his thumb runs over that swollen lower lip.

We’ll get out of here all together. And there’s nothing you can do about it.

That must bring you such despair. And it’s okay. It’s okay. As long as you’re still here.

Hinata kneeled down, laying his head on the bed where Komaeda slept without a care. It really was funny. Like this, the two of them matched with their bandages. They were similar.

Tomorrow... We’ll all be together. You, me, and everyone else. I’m sure of it.

With that, his eyes fell shut and the world unraveled just a little further. With Komaeda’s bandaged hand in his, he didn’t feel anything else.