#no literally like a week it’s now then a few days at the end of this week then like a day or 2 this coming

[strayfriend]

Me tbh

I have had a cold for almost two weeks now and I don't know if previous covid infections have wiped my immune system's ability to fight things off or what but

For a few days I really felt like - if the universe wants me dead please just do it faster. I was so uncomfortable I couldn't sleep for like a full 36 hours, broke out in stress hives all over my body, had a fever of 103 and physically struggled to eat and drink because it hurt so bad to swallow. On top of endless congestion that wouldn't subside with copious antihistamines that did nothing but give me drymouth. My tongue and mouth are raw like I've been burned.

They swabbed me so deep I got nosebleeds but confirmed twice that it's not flu or covid, just a random upper respiratory bullshit thing going around

Be safe, be careful. This flu season is bad and doctors are super busy already. I almost passed out in the waiting room for my second appointment and they ended up having to give me gnarly antibiotic injections in the muscle. I lost like 10 lbs and had bouts of nausea and dry heaving if I tried to eat more than a little at a time. Everything tasted like mucous and pain for days. It's been literally torturous and I kept whimpering to my partner that I wouldn't have made it through this shit by myself. It's really no joke. I'm still not fully better.

[mqriuss]

To be named is to be special

from 'us, always' collection

recommended to read "a gift" first / divider by cafekitsune

"…You got a name?" He asked, his voice rough.

Your eyes lit up a little at that. "LIV," you said and Rindou pursed his lips.

"That's your brand's name."

Rindou doesn't name you the first day he got you. Did you even... need a different name? You already referred to yourself as LIV anyway, and he was fine with that. You seemed fine with that.

For a few weeks, that's all he'd call you—LIV. And he'd insisted you addressed him as just 'Rindou' whenever you tried calling him a pet name.

"Do you not like being called 'baby'? How 'bout 'sweetheart'?"

"Just call me Rindou."

"Okay."

Then you'd make that same mistake the next day. He thinks it's probably because you were programmed to think anyone who owned a Companion Aptroid would be desperate enough to want an Aptroid to call them "honey bear". But since you were gifted to Rindou, he has to sort of help you... unlearn some of what you were meant to do. Like calling him pet names.

One day, he realized something when he overheard a store manager yelling at his Aptroid worker.

"But sir, I don't think I can spare any more time for this-" the Aptroid tried to decline, but it only made his manager even more furious.

"Are you telling me no? It's an order!"

It was as if a switch had been flipped—the Aptroid immediately went back to work, looking almost embarrassed when he saw that Rindou was watching the whole thing unfold.

As Rindou browsed around the place, the manager appeared and started complaining to no one in particular. "Ah, these damn Aptroids... I thought they were just meant to work and obey. Is it 'cause he's an Apt-05?"

Rindou raised an eyebrow at him, "Apt-05 is an older version, right?" He queried.

"They ain't that old, the latest Aptroid model is an Apt-07. I heard they're more obedient—might have to replace him soon. I dunno what's up with him, but he's been having a mind of his own lately," he absentmindedly spoke, lighting himself a cigarette. Rindou listened with curiosity, but didn't think much of his words yet. "These days, he'll only listen if I tell him it's an order. I never had to do that till about a year ago."

Rindou perked up at that.

"You're home, sweetheart! I made you dinner, how was work?" You greeted him warmly that night, placing a dish on the small dining table. He doesn't answer you for a while, only taking his coat off in silence before he sat down whilst eyeing you.

"What if I told you it was an order?"

"Hm?"

"Call me Rindou. That's an order."

It worked. You really did call him Rindou ever since that day. So for another few days, it was just Rindou... and LIV. And you never really complained.

Emphasis on "another few days".

"Will you name me?" You asked him one day when the both of you were sitting on the couch, watching a movie.

He had to sit with your question for a while. What are you, a pet? Can't you pick a name yourself? Did he need to name you?

"What's wrong with LIV?" Rindou asked you back.

"It's not mine," you hesitated. Rindou absentmindedly turned back to the TV after you answered him, unknowing of what to say next for a while. You noticed, so you sat up straight and added, "I don't like it."

He crossed his arms behind his head. "Alright," he said, "if you don't like LIV, then pick a new name."

You nodded, this should be easy, you both thought. But the seconds stretch and you had gone really quiet. Rindou watched as your brows furrowed slightly.

Finally, you shook your head, "I can't do it."

Rindou blinked. "What do you mean you can't?" He questioned, receiving a shrug on your end. "Can't as in you don't want to, or can't as in it's literally impossible?"

"I don't know—I tried, really."

"You can memorize a whole article about the World War II after reading it once, but you can't name yourself?"

"Yeah, no kidding."

He tilted his head. "Uh, try thinking of a name you like right now," he suggested.

"Rindou."

At your immediate response, Rindou choked. "I- huh?" Were you seriously flattering him now? He thought as his face reddened slightly. "That's my name, dumbass."

"You asked me for a name I liked."

Rindou groaned, dragging a hand down his face. "For yourself," he clarified and is met with an "oh". He sat up, turning to face you slightly. "Okay, forget that. Just think of any name, what's the first that comes to mind?"

"Sophie," you replied.

"Great. Do you want that name?"

You shook your head. "Nope."

He stared at you. You stared back. Your blank expression turned into one of worry when Rindou let out a long sigh. "If i I told you this was an order, could you do it?"

"I'm sorry," you spoke softly. "I know what you're trying to make me do, and I really did try. I just don't know why I can't."

His eyes softened visibly—although only a little bit—when he heard the subtle frustration in your tone. "Don't apologize," he said, awkwardly trying to sound comforting. The movie in front of you was long forgotten as Rindou's mind began to wander. Sure, he thought you're being stubborn, but he was too. Why couldn't he just name you? Satisfy the both of you by giving you a name other than LIV, and ending this back and forth for good? Plus, it might not be your fault that you're being stubborn—he was about to find out as he eyed the holo-screen projector on the table.

He waved a hand near it to trigger its sensor, projecting the holo-screen in front of him. With a few taps of his fingers, he typed into the web, "can Aptroids name themselves?"

The very first result caught his eye immediately: "To be named is to be special." Clicking on it gave him all the answers he needed.

An Aptroid cannot name themselves.

An Aptroid must be named by the person in charge of them.

An Aptroid is special when they are personally named.

His jaw tensed, eyebrows furrowed. 'The person in charge of them.'

Technically, he's just your boyfriend, right? Would that be synonymous with being your 'owner' in this case? The idea left a bad taste in his mouth.

Though then again... the day you first called him by his name, he had told you it was an order, and it worked.

Rindou turned to you again, placing a hand on your knee. "Do you belong to me?" He asked, hesitant.

And you nodded.

His head hung low in thought for a moment. "Alright, you want a name from me, right? Can I give you three options and let you pick?"

You perked up at that and it was as if your eyes twinkled. "I'd like that," you said, nodding eagerly this time.

So you picked your name that day. Even though he had to give you options, he's at ease knowing it was your decision in the end. You deserved to pick.

[kazumist]

TAKE CARE .ᐟ

✩ — in which you feel haunted by someone who you know is alive out there.

✩ — includes: caleb x gn!reader. uhh mc!reader too. SPOILERS FOR TAINTED CUTS "MIGRANT BIRDS" ENDING !!!! and a bit of tainted cuts in general haha uhm... yeah read at ur own risk pls. bittersweet. not much dialogue (literally only one line and the rest is just word vom). wc: 605. inspired by 4 songs in total, two being from niki :)

“pipsqueak? are you okay—”

your eyes suddenly shot open as you suddenly sat up from your bed. glancing at the digital clock on your bedside table, the digits for 13:06 were displayed on it. it’s almost as if life was mocking you right now.

13:06. 13/06. june 13.

june 13 was caleb’s birthday.

ever since... that day, distant memories had started haunting you. every step you take somewhat makes your mind trail towards the times you were with caleb. the way you laid on his arm as you slept together, masking up your personal relationship you had with him being the councilman...

how can a few weeks possibly make those memories so out of reach when it feels like they just happened yesterday?

sweat trickles down your neck as you take a deep breath, calming yourself down from the peculiar dream you just had. it’s all strange—every single damn thing about this is strange and frustrating. you knew you were alone in this watchtower; you knew that only you and caleb knew about this place.

you knew this, and that’s why you chose to stay here—to find peace. but the isolated echo of caleb’s voice echoes through the walls.

acceptance was done long ago; you knew caleb had to leave because if he didn’t, you would be in danger of his frenzied state as a praedator. yet as the night cuts into the day, his presence lingers in your surroundings, leaving you no way to escape. recalling the times you both promised each other home—the kind you’d never known—leaves an ironic taste on your tongue as to how things are now.

you missed him. that was inevitable. and even though you weren’t really the individual who’s used to praying, you found yourself praying to whatever god is out there to make it stop.

because how can you even live in tranquility when every glance you make, you see his face hidden in the crowd? when everywhere you go, you could feel the same pressure of his hands holding yours? 

it’s almost as if you were being buried alive—being haunted by someone who is still alive.

on nights like these where he’d haunt you in your dreams, you couldn’t escape. and all of those dreams end in the same way: he leaves. he always leaves you to wait. he always leaves with you, promising him that you’d still be there when he returns.

just how many unrealistic promises do you have to make in your dreams just for him to be in your arms again?

even when you can’t see anything due to the dim light lit in the room, the faint feeling of his touch could still be felt as a ghost on your skin. maybe it was some sort of coping mechanism you unintentionally got into to deal with caleb’s absence.

you promised to wait; of course you did; it’s caleb. but just how paradoxical it is that you’re here, left to wait for him again? caleb can't even provide a speck of reassurance that he’ll return, as this promise to wait for him is solely built on trust. 

time wasn’t a concern as you continued on hoping that he’d once again meet your wait that’s waiting for him. real love is a verb—it isn’t just a feeling. love calls for initiative, development, and commitment. so you wait for him anyway. because it doesn’t matter how or when, caleb will always come back to you.

you’ll take it and he’ll take his time—after all, it’s only fair. you both take the cake for a love so rare.

so you take care.

a/n: overall this is just my take on a more uhm. inner monologue version? of what mc's thoughts could be with how tainted cuts ended in migrant bird :) literally no one hmu that card made me scream WHY IS CALEB SOOOO JDHSFJHSDFHJSDFJF. i love him sm u guys don't get it!!!! no one gets it!!!

i just thought it would be really painful to be haunted by someone who you know is alive (dismissed the idea that caleb could be dead since AGAIN it seems more painful that way if it was implied that he's alive). the actual ending in the card's story is a bit similar to the one i wrote but i obviously love the other ending more since they were so cute in that

icb my lads debut on tumblr is this. i couldve wrote something happier but hey! where is the fun in that

[yikesss-08]

—BLESSINGS!

(JJK Megumi × Reader)

Chapter: 8/?

Words: 17, 938

Summary: you're trying to get out of your arranged marriage while trying to balance your growing feelings for your best friend <3

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/61532893

▹ chapter two!

A few weeks had passed by and before you knew it summer break was over, just another reason to be unhappy after the fact you couldn't stay in your room and do nothing all day anymore.

The first week of school went by fast, a blur of getting reaccustomed to waking up early and unfortunately doing mundane work to your obvious dismay. It was always made more bearable with Yuji, Nobara, and Megumi there with you as well with your shared classes all together.

As odd as it seemed, you four didn't usually eat lunch together, maybe a few times, but you each went to your separate friends groups. Except for you and Megumi who ate lunch together more often than not.

To Yuji and Nobara, being stuck with everyone (literally you and Megumi) back at the dormitories was already enough. Back at 'real' school was their breath of fresh air and how they 'socialized' in their words...

Yuji who was well-liked on campus and just as well-known with his reputation, mostly hung out with his occult research club friends, Sasaki, Iguchi, and Junpei. He was always scouted by people from the sports and bodybuilding clubs but he always politely declined.

Nobara on the same hand was well-known maybe not as well-liked with her tendency for instigating and gossip since she was the type of person who'd always have the fight video and know about everything before anyone else.

The people who loved her loved and the ones who didn't didn't. But to her, she couldn't care less who thought what of her.

Then there was Megumi. Most people only knew of him through Tsumiki, who to them was the complete opposite of him. Other than the few acquaintances he speaks to now and then about classwork, he sticks to himself and no one goes out of their way to change that.

After 4th period with your friend Hiyori, you two were walking out of the classroom after the bell had rung, idly listening to her gush about her latest boyfriend which transitioned into her convincing you that it was time for you to find yourself one as if that finding a relationship was as easy as just going to the store and picking something up.

"You know, you have the perfect opportunity right in front of you but you're too scared to ask him out." She teased, nodding towards the direction of the aforementioned guy.

"What are you—" you began mid-sentence as you looked over at the end of the sparsely crowded hallway and saw Suna, his dark-brown eyes meeting yours as he gave you a wave.

Hiyori smiles slyly, elbowing you as she watches him walking towards you, the pounding in your chest making it impossible for you to breathe for a moment.

"Y/n, Hiyori, you guys wanna get lunch together?" he asked and gestured towards the lunch room that was accumulating with students, his gaze flitting to you and then to Hiyori.

Hiyori was the first to answer with a quick nod of her head and a warm smile before giving you a knowing look as if to say 'This is your chance.' "Yeah."

You just followed her lead, the nervousness gripping your words and the fear of saying something nonsensical causing you to not say anything at all and nod instead.

"I'll go get Astuko and Tomoya." she grinned, patting your shoulder while her eyes briefly lingered on Suna as she walked away leaving you both alone.

Suna smiled at you sending a hot, flutter to your stomach but your demeanor remained somewhat calm. Your words were finally coming out, calculated but natural, flowing with the conversation that was made up of how class was and how the sports team doing before slipping away into a gradual silence—though not necessarily awkward, but still very nerve-wracking on your part as he stayed right next to you, scrolling aimlessly on his phone.

To hide your nervousness, your eyes stay glued onto your phone as you text Megumi a series of panicked, all-capitalized, gibberish texts about your current situation.

You felt the burn of a stare in your peripherals but brushed it off as being imaginary since Suna was still on his phone, but it was shown to be real as you both locked eyes. You quickly averted your eyes but he let a soft hum of amusement accompanied by a smile.

Waiting for you at the usual spot in the school courtyard, Megumi leaned back on the wall lazily scouring through the passing students to try and catch sight of you.

What was taking you so long?

After a few moments he heard the sound of approaching footsteps and he saw you, a sigh he didn't know he was holding in left his lips as he spotted you. His hands were shoved in his pocket as you approached him, his expression more relaxed than usual. "Hey."

You gave him a quick wave as you smiled at him, your lingering anxiety still laced in your slightly fidgety behavior. "Megumi, you wanna get lunch with us?" you ask casually to hide your anxiety futilely.

Us?

He was confused before seeing Suna trailing behind you, his impartial eyes meeting Suna's before he paused. "...No." he answered shortly, hands still in his pocket to keep from rubbing the back of his neck like he did when he was feeling awkward. His gaze went to Suna's less-than-welcoming one then to yours.

The last thing he would ever do is willingly put himself in the position to be a third wheel with you and Suna... but he'd at least root for you. From a distance of course.

"You sure? C'mon, you really don't want to?" you tried to persuade him— subtly pleading more than anything—but your attempts were strangled with a simple and succinct shake of his head.

A part of you knew he and Suna didn't exactly act like friends, more like less than cordial acquaintances than anything, but the thought of them getting along seemed nice despite how unrealistic that'd be.

"Aww. Alright then." you slightly frown, your disappointment blatantly evident but you don't push the matter. Before you can say anything else, Megumi gives you a lingering look mumbling some sort of goodbye before he walks off much to your dismay.

You felt a slight pang of guilt at the thought of Megumi having to eat lunch alone but he didn't seem to mind which wasn't exactly odd. It was in his nature to be more inclined to solitude, but you couldn't think of a time when you two didn't eat lunch together.

It was like an implicitly agreed-upon must to make the school day feel a bit more tolerable for both of you.

As you and Suna reached the cafeteria, it was anything but what you expected. The table was full of his unruly friends, most of which you were unfortunately acquainted with by association rather than choice. They didn't exactly make good company with how 'manners' had no place in their vocabulary...

You wanted to eat lunch with him, not them. You frowned, your irritation thinly veiled on your expression. What were you supposed to do? Sit there and try to make conversation with them about who knows what boys talk about for fun?

You give them an awkward wave and a tight smile, sitting down next to Suna with your lunch tray in hand, each of them eyeing you like the outsider you felt like you were.

"Y/n? Why're you here? Don't you usually eat lunch with... what's his name...?" one of his friends, Kashiro, spoke up to say what everyone else was thinking, his finger tapping against the table in forced remembrance. "Damnit, I forgot!"

Another one chimed in, stuffing a rice ball in his mouth, the words coming out muffled. "Megume?"

"Yeah, him." he let out a chuckle only pushing your annoyance closer to the edge as he grinned back at you.

Before you could open your mouth to correct him, Suna also chuckled a tinge of embarrassment on his pink-tinted cheeks at his friends' behavior. "It's Megumi." he corrected, giving you a brief glance. "And I wanted her to get lunch with me."

That answer seemed to appease them enough to get off your case and change the topic to some new game that had come out recently.

He looked at you, leaning in, shoulder brushing yours so he could whisper to you, your heart rate slightly stuttering. "They can be a bit... dense at times, but they're not bad people you know. Just a little... questionable." his reassuring smile gracing your eyes. "I hope they're not making you too..."

You quickly chime in with a shake of your head as you reach for your chopsticks, Suna mirroring your action as he took his own. "No, it's fine. I don't mind them."

Most if not all of them were on the school baseball team, just like Suna, making you excluded even more from their chatter of sports talk and questionable inside jokes you didn't even want to begin to understand.

But Suna didn't join in the conversation like usual, just eating silently and every now and then when they addressed him he'd say something.

You reach for the mandarin on your tray after finishing your food, carefully peeling off its citrusy exterior as you eat a segment, the sourness jolting your taste buds.

He watches your movements for a moment before meeting your gaze. "Did you understand Mr. Girou's lesson? I didn't understand a thing honestly." he admitted sheepishly, taking a bite of rice from his tray.

You let out a soft laugh and raised a curious brow. Despite the idiots he hung around, Suna was smart, had good grades, and was a diligent student. "Really?"

"Well, you're really smart, you probably have it down." he laughed as well, the compliment making your cheeks slightly heat up.

A smile crawled on your lips remembering Hiyori's advice, this was your chance so you took it. "I could always help you study, you know? Sometime after school?"

"I might take you up on that offer soon." he grinned, giving you a slight nudge.

After finishing your mandarin, you spoke up. "I need to wash my hands, I'll be right back," you say, as Suna gives you an affirming nod and smile.

"Try not to get lost." he joked with a butterfly-inducing chuckle as you smiled back at him briefly, rising from your seat. "I'll save your seat."

You gave him an appreciative hum before you whisked past a couple of students to get to the bathroom, the space was relatively empty compared to how crowded it could get during lunch. It didn't take long, just thoroughly washing the stickiness off before drying your dripping hands. And of course, checking your reflection in the mirror.

As you entered the cafeteria again, you stilled in your tracks your eyes trained back at the table you were at before, yet the seat you were just in was taken, someone sitting right next to Suna.

Black shoulder-length hair being the first thing you saw, and when she turned to the side face a laughing Suna, you could see her unmistakable side profile, her wide smile, her brown eyes.

Was that Hiyori?

A tinge of something laced in your expression, but what it was you couldn't tell, yet it wasn't pleasant.

Before you could think to do anything you feel your phone vibrate as you fish it out and see a text from Megumi finally replying to your previous strings of gibberish messages.

Have fun.

Your heart slightly sinks at the text, dampening your already waning mood as the guilt comes back.

Conflicting thoughts on whether you should even go back to the table and tell Hiyori you were sitting there first or sit somewhere else instead stirred in your mind. But a part of you was upset Suna hadn't even told her that seat was taken in the first place.

A frustrated sigh leaves your lips as you turn on your heel, walking down the hallway before you even knew it.

What was the point of even going back?

Slipping into the quietness of the school library, a nice change from the bustling cafeteria, you close the door behind you. You looked past the various rows of large bookshelves filled with hundreds of thick-spined books, to take a glance around.

It always had a specific smell in here, like aging paper and heady, loamy wood, a scent unique to the place.

After a brief moment, you see his distinctive black spiky hair and knew you found him, sitting in the back reading like he always was. Typical Megumi. There weren't a lot of people here either which only helped in finding him, but he was always in the same place anyway.

"There you are." you approach him, your footsteps nearly silent against the thick, woven carpet as you stood in front of the table he was sitting at.

He looks up at you neutrally. The fact you probably only came here because things probably hadn't turned out how you wanted, obvious by the slight frown tugging on your lips, instead of out of genuine concern for his well-being didn't exactly sit well with him. "I'm guessing you didn't have fun. That's why you're here?"

Well, he was laying it on thick...

"Yeah, yeah something like that... but I felt bad too, y'know? Letting you eat lunch alone." you admit in a mumbled tone, your expression as deflated as your mood.

"I have no issues eating alone." he said a bit too quickly, a hint of defensiveness creeping in his tone at what he thought was pity coming from you.

You put your hands up in mock surrender trying to lighten up the dimming mood. "You know I didn't mean it like that. I just wanted to check on you, I know we usually eat lunch together."

You plop down on the chair across from him. "So... How's your lunch been?" you curiously look over, trying to peer at what he was reading this time.

He looked back at his novel, his eyes reading the same sentence over and over mindlessly but not registering what it was saying, you were distracting him. "Fine." he muttered.

"Don't give me that." A frown taints your previous smile, bristled at his curtness.

He meets your gaze, a glint of curiosity in his eyes as he remembers. "Did you read the book I gave you?" There was an undercurrent of doubt in his tone.

But for once you could actually confidently prove him wrong, which only added a layer of smugness to your expression. "I actually did." you grinned, expecting some sort of praise.

"How far did you get through?" he probes instead, crossing his arms, slightly satisfied that you even read it.

You pause in recollection, trying to remember the sleep-hazed memory from how reading it was an impulsive late-night idea to try and get off your phone. "...Like maybe seven...? No, definitely eight."

He looks unamused once again. "Of course."

"Hey now, I was tired... I actually tried to start reading some of it." you mirror him, crossing your arms as you as an indignant huff left your lips.

He stifles the urge to roll his eyes.

He wouldn't admit but he just wanted you two to be able to talk about something you both knew. After all both his tastes and yours varied, sometimes and sometimes not aligning.

It'd be nice just being able to talk to you about it, hear you talk about what you thought of it, how it made you feel, whether it was good or not. The same way he'd listen to your mindless rants about your favorite band or maybe a movie you had watched.

But those cherished rants were coming less and less often and being replaced with stupid conversations about Suna.

God, he was starting to hate that name despite how much he tried to support your crush on him.

"...How was it? Did you eat?" he asked, a part of him knowing it didn't go well with how you weren't rambling on and on happily about how this or that happened.

You shift in your seat uncomfortably at the mention. "It was something... it's whatever though. And yeah, I did." you did a lazy stretch before you crossed your arms on the table, your head finding its way to nestle comfortably on top. Your eyes flit one more to Megumi's, meeting his gaze. "Wake me up when lunch ends?"

He gave you a simple nod, watching your eyelids rest peacefully for an extended moment, his mind a cloudy storm of conflicting thoughts he wasn't ready to admit.

A silence blanketed you both again, only interrupted slightly every time he gingerly thumbed a page.

For you, it was another break, another sliver of well-needed serenity. To temporarily forget about anything else but the current moment.

But to him this was a reminder of everything he was slowly starting to lose, starting to get less and less of.

And that wasn't a pleasant feeling, the idea that you were even slightly beginning to drift away…

.

.

.

Thanks for reading if you made it this far! ^^

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/61532893

[icewindandboringhorror]

Some (late) holiday photos of the boye~!

[butchnavi]

forced myself to wake up and leave my warm cozy blanky at 3:30 am in the winter to speedrun my syllabus because they gave us 12 hours to prep for our endsem are yall proud of me

[rpfofficial]

character wrapped 2023 💥

tagged by @davidtennantpussytulpa ^-^ i didn't know how many to do so i copied tara and did top 10. i know the severance guys are Four Of Them but i can't separate them theyre all equally important to me

will graham (hannibal), em haywood (nope), aziraphale (good omens), mark & dylan & helly & irving (severance), hawkeye pierce (mash), martha jones (doctor who), ivan karamazov (the brothers karamazov), kim kitsuragi (disco elysium), stewy hosseini (succession), ruescott melshi (andor/rogue one)

i will tag... @fagician @britomart @libraryfag @roadwhores @majorbaby @globuspolski @hadleyfraserfaggot @tenderscience if u want to ^-^

[maddy-ferguson]

having a failed talking stage in your class of 13 people is so unserious

[dzozef]

i can not even begin to explain how stressful the last two days have been at work

[fairy-ganj-mother]

yesterday at 29.5 years old I watched as many videos as I could find from my high school marching band, choir, and theater run crew days and realized I barely have any memories of my junior year of high school (13-14 years ago btw) other than feeling bad™️

[moreaujeans]

stabbing my lab partners with a plastic fork

[b-blushes]

argh it always stresses me out so much when I feel worse bc I’m already fighting to try and work up to a baseline where my ‘normal’ routine feels manageable and working at a deficit physically so then when I can’t keep up with stuff like my physical therapy bc I’ve gotta recover all day??? The Fear. STILL we are not out of time, although I am wishing I can feel better every day there is still time to improve…. And one thing that will ensure that I do NOT improve would be to overdo it when I’m doing worse…. Alas my patience and frustration… but we stay silly!

[butts-bouncing-on-the-beltway]

I don't have a lot of energy these days [because of The Horrors] so I'm looking at my day and my priorities and trying to plan how I'm going to spend what energy I have, because I do need to be able to rest and relax but there are also things that need doing and that is a careful balance for me.

I managed to [mostly] clean the kitchen last night so I've kicked it out of the priority list until next weekend. Unfortunately the living room, bathroom, bedroom, and my office all need cleaning too. I think of the priorities, my office and the bedroom are the most important to me, so I'll probably push the living room and bathroom until at least Friday.

There's also the laundry. I don't have any clean clothes and as we're moving into winter I need to be more rigid about getting that done because days where the clothes can be dried on the line will be more limited. So I definitely need to wash an outfit or two and hang them up in the next hour.

That's already a really busy day, so I'll probably cut it there. But it's definitely going to still leave me a lot of work this week. Half my cleaning, at least one more round of laundry, settling dog food for the next couple of weeks, planting the fall/winter greens, doing some set up work on my computer, work on some writing projects, cleaning out the fridge, and patching some worn clothes. My work week isn't insane atm, but it is definitely limiting. Right now I have 6+4+0+4+2+5+5= 25 non work/non-survival needs (sleep, food, shower, etc) hours available each week. I need to figure out a regukar distribution of these that means everything is getting done and I still have an hour a day to myself as often as possible. I think it's probably not realistic to give myself more than an hour a day for free time/fun, which is a bit unfortunate because I've found in the past that my floor tends to be getting 2-3hrs of free time most days because of how I deal with transition and decision-making.

25-7 [1hr per day] is 18 hrs, so I just need to decide where and how to distribute those in order to keep pace with things.

Lets say the garden needs 3hrs per week, the laundry needs 4 hours (specifically 2 sets of 2 morning/early afternoon hours), the cleaning needs an hour a day to get through a maintenance clean of the house, and 3 hours once a week to work down any deep cleaning that's built up. Which is....already three more hours than I actually have each week. So I guess I'll make a plan to work in the garden for 20-40min of 4 of my free hours each week.

It really doesn't leave me any wiggle room. Only about 4 hours a week that isn't explicitly allotted to something that needs doing, which means there will probably me a lot of weeks where I only get an hour or so at best across the whole thing for free time. I guess I've had a hard time accepting that at this point, having actual time for myself or a time-intensive project is only available if I've taken a day off work. I love my job, but it's ... not comfortable to realize that it's the only love in my life I actually have time for anymore.

I think that's probably why I end up here so much. It's this mindless little way of zoning out into my own head, dissociating away from the exhaustion, for a few minutes at a time. I keep thinking I want to use this space differently, make it more if the things I enjoy. But I think what I really want is just to actually have the time and energy to do things I love that take work. I keep crying a few times every day and I couldn't figure out why, but like

I dunno

Why **wouldn't** I cry a little every day? It's the closest I'm getting to actual emotional release or relaxation in my life. We'd probably all cry. Heck. A lot of us probably DO, capitalism being what it is.

I guess I'm starting to wonder why I'm doing what I'm doing. What is there left for me to sacrifice to this life? What is actually serving me about not just letting myself go up like a fireball and take my surroundings with me? What in the ever loving fuck am I fighting this hard for?

All I ever want, all I want now, is to be able to live. To really, actually live. How does wanting to live bring you this close to killing yourself, whether on accident or on purpose? What am I actually doing that is LIVING and what am I doing that is FACILITATION of living? It can't all be facilitation, or I'm not actually facilitating fuck all.

I'm 30 goddamn years old and I need to figure out what it looks like to actually love my life. I fundamentally refuse to zombify myself like this for everyone else around me forever.

[fifty-ten]

i thought splatfest was next week (& only found out it was this week because i happened to check splatnet) so i missed half of it … really disappointing

[icewindandboringhorror]

I occasionally wish to reach out to old friends/acquaintances I haven't spoken to since high school/some other even earlier time in my life, but I have SOOO little social energy even for required tasks (like making dr phone calls or etc), I never have any leftover for extra ones, and it would be very odd to message someone I haven't spoken to in like 5 years out of the blue but then take 4 entire months to respond back lol.. My natural curiosity with nostalgia/collecting details of the past/etc. (literally if I were born a little earlier I would definitely do scrapbooking or something lol) is very strong, but, alas, not strong enough to beat out the Social Issues Demons apparently

[itsalwaysdark]

bedtime nowww probably ummm today qas not what i wanted it 2 be but its fine. i dont feel negative just a very very very numb day which is almost worse. but only almost 🙏