#no id for this one because its 2am and i really should be sleeping to recover maybe tmr when im feeling better | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

wherethewordsare · 4 years ago

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Sweater Weather- Mutual Pining for Jay’s 400 Follower Bingo!!

He’d found it after a movie night, draped over the back of the couch. He held it up to confirm and yep. There was no mistaking the hood and the bulky black sleeves. It looked like it may have gone through the dryer about twelve times too many and the zipper pull was barely hanging on. He let his thumb rub against the hem of the sleeve, shaking his head. Jaskier tucked the hoodie under his arm as he pulled out his phone, smiling to himself.

geralt

u left ur hoodie

its cold and everything how do u forget that

ur worse than ciri smh

Just hold onto it, I’ll grab it next time.

And I am not worse than Ciri. I’m not the one who’s left his phone in the Denny’s bathroom at 2am…. Twice…

Last month.

shhhhh :P

Throwing his phone down, Jaskier went to his closet. He was going to just hang up the hoodie and Geralt would get it eventually. Honestly, he was going to put it away. But then he pressed his face into the shoulder and sighed.

This was wrong. He should just hang it up and return it when they saw each other again. He wasn’t about to let this silly little infatuation with Geralt ruin a perfectly good friendship. Especially not over a stupid hoodie.

Unfortunately, Jaskier's self restraint had taken the night off. Before he could stop himself, Jaskier was sliding his arms in, zipping up the front and crawling into bed. One night of indulging wasn’t going to hurt anyone. Even if it felt like his chest was splitting open. He shifted a little under the covers, burying his nose into the collar as he drifted off to sleep. They had been through so much together since they met in high school, wasn’t Jaskier allowed this one little thing, just this once?

-o-O-o-

i still have ur hoodie

u want it back cause we could like meet up for coffee

we could go to the nag :)

He snapped a picture of the hoodie and a travel mug in his passenger seat, sending it off.

Can’t today. :(

Parent teacher meetings and then Dad wants us to help him fix the roof.

I could use my hoodie today, it’s cold…

omgl finally

thought id have to do it

Jask… no.

:/ fine then

see if i try to be helpful again

jk jk

dont die

I dont wanna do handywork :3

Geralt had been right. It was cold, and Jaskier had forgotten his own jacket at home. He frowned down at the hoodie and sighed. It was only because it was chilly. Nothing else. He tried to ignore how it still smelled so strongly of Geralt. He walked around the gallery wrapped in Geralt’s hoodie, the front unzipped and his hands buried in the sleeves.

-o-O-o-

hehe crispy leaf time

the cold is coming

Yes, Jaskier. That’s how seasons work

u know what that means~

Geralt did not in fact, know what that meant but he soon found out. He was in the middle of typing when a picture came up with the caption “stolen hoodie weather :3” with Jaskier curled up on his couch at home, snuggled up in the black zip up hoodie Geralt only remembered leaving there early last Spring.

Something in his stomach flipped and he looked around to make sure no one was watching him. Why? Why would it matter if someone saw him? It was just Jaskier.

He frowned and started typing again. He stopped and erased it, fighting down the small smile that was starting to tilt the corners of his mouth.

You kept it?

Way to go, Geralt. That was really fucking smooth. What was he supposed to mean by that?

unlike u :(((

abandoner of hoodies

some of us appreciate the gift of comfort geralt

Geralt felt like his brain was melting. That thing in his stomach seemed to purr with satisfaction at the idea of Jaskier wearing his hoodie. It was petty and ridiculous and oh no, Geralt couldn't take his eyes off the way the black material framed Jaskier's collarbone.

No. No no. This way lay madness, he told himself. He would simply get the hoodie back and that was that.

hey when do u wanna do our next movie night

its been like

7099039 years

Geralt hesitated for a moment. He had never hesitated when it came to Jaskier. They had known each other for far too long.

Sure. My turn to pick?

not if u choose a history documentary

Spy movie?

:0 promise?

yes pls

Should I bring wine?

Wait, no that would be a very bad idea.

:) you know it

bring the good shit

eskels secret one

i know you can find it

It’s called “google” Jaskier. Even I know that. And I will see what I can do.

same time and place as normal right

It’s a date.

Geralt felt as though his soul had left his body when he had hit send. Had he lost his entire mind? He was in the middle of typing a follow up, trying to word the best way to dismiss his complete and total departure from sanity when the little dots popped up then disappeared then popped up again.

It’s a date. :)

Jaskier nearly slammed the door back into Geralt’s face in shock. Geralt was standing in the hall, bottle of wine in one hand, movie and carry out in the other. Then there was the shirt. Jaskier had actually helped him pick it out. The black button up, the sleeves rolled up and was his hair actually combed back? He looked good. Jaskier swallowed hard. He looked really damn good.

But that wasn’t even the weird part. No, the weird part was the way Geralt’s eyes widened when he had opened the door. He recovered quickly though, nodding at Jaskier as he stepped in.

“Didn’t think you’d let the apartment be cold enough you’d need to wear a hoodie.” He smirked, setting the bag down on the table before going right into the kitchen.

“Comfort, Geralt. I’m telling you, I just don’t think you appreciate it enough.” Jaskier followed him in. It was routine for them, the way Geralt got the wine open, Jaskier grabbed plates and silverware; the way they bickered and snarked, barely suppressing laughs through barbs.

-o-O-o-

The coffee table was littered with cartons of orange chicken and fried noodles. Geralt set his plate down as he leaned back, slinging his arm across the back of the couch. He had to smile at the sense of deja vu that struck him. Casino Royale wasn’t just a comfort movie for them. It had been their first movie night nearly fifteen years ago.

By now, they could practically quote the entire thing, make quips at Bond’s smugness and only just sit through that one scene without wincing. At least that’s what they told themselves.

Now they watched as Bond and Vesper reconnect outside of that fancy English rehab center. Jaskier chorused him as they both rolled their eyes and sighed at Bond’s shitty lines about little fingers.

“God he’s the worst.” Jaskier took a sip of wine, making a gagging sound.

“Quantum still exists.” he chuckled.

“Valid!” Jaskier set his wine down.

Geralt leaned over as Bond delivered his next line, syncing his tone and dropping into a soft gravelly murmur.

“Whatever I am, I’m yours.” It was supposed to be cheesy and ridiculous but Geralt found that it felt far too honest. There was truth to them that he couldn’t think to deny now.

Jaskier nearly choked as he looked up, his eyes going wide. Geralt watched as he leaned into his personal space. Time felt like it stuttered to a halt in that moment, Jaskier inches from him, still draped in his hoodie. Geralt wet his lips anxiously. The tension between them felt like a powerline pulled too tight; everything seemed to crackle with it.

“Geralt-”

Whatever he was going to say was lost the second Geralt closed the distance, pressing his mouth to Jaskier’s. It was nearly magnetic and there was no pulling away. Geralt’s hands strayed down to Jaskier’s thighs without his realizing it. There was no way he could stop himself now. He’d wanted this for far too long to just let it go. Part of him would mourn the loss of his oldest friendship, but that was Tomorrow Geralt’s problem.

Jaskier’s arms wrapped around him, pulling him closer as Geralt tugged Jaskier into his lap clumsily.

Geralt had to break the kiss first, pulling back gasping for air and pressing their foreheads together.

“Jask… Wait. Wait,” Geralt choked. He had to tilt his head back to get his words out as Jaskier dipped back in to start kissing him again. “Shit. Jaskier…” He already sounded wrecked to his own ears. His hands were on Jaskier’s hips, thumbs rubbing soft circles against his sides as he looked up, eyes searching. “Are you sure you want this?”

He needed to hear it. He needed to know he was allowed to have this. It was one thing to say it would be Tomorrow Geralt’s problem, but it was another to actively throw away the best friendship he had ever had. He had spent too long pretending they could be just friends for it to fall apart like this.

Jaskier crowded in closer and it took everything in him not to just give in to it because fuck that felt amazing. There was an easy smile across his lips that made Geralt feel like he was starving.

“Geralt, I swear to the gods, don’t you dare start questioning this now,” as open as his face was, his voice trembled slightly. It was then that Geralt realized that Jaskier was practically vibrating under his palms. It was instinct the way he wrapped his arms around Jaskier’s middle, pulling him closer. “I’ve been wanting this for at least a solid decade.”

Geralt blinked hard as he gaped up at Jaskier.

“Are you really that surprised, Geralt?” Jaskier hummed, leaning back down and pressing a surprisingly chaste kiss to his cheek.

“Hmm. Maybe not.” He found himself chuckling, trying to breathe around the bubble of light that was threatening to fill his entire chest. He caught Jaskier’s mouth again, his hand coming up to slide into his hair, holding him close.

It was hard to tell who had deepened the kiss further but the laughter died on his tongue when he felt Jaskier roll his hips down into his lap. Suddenly everything was too much and achingly not enough. The hoodie slipped down Jaskier’s shoulders and what little attention span Geralt had left zeroed into that same spot along Jaskier’s collarbone.

Pulling Jaskier closer, he made a trail of graceless open mouthed kisses along his jaw and down the firm column of his neck, his teeth raking over the spot with careless abandon. He was rewarded with a soft keen and Jaskier squirming in his arms. Long dexterous fingers wound into his hair, cradling his head as his own found their way up the back of Jaskier’s shirt.

“Geralt-” There was a tug in his hair and fuck shit yes. He must have made some kind of noise because he felt Jaskier chuckle fondly. “Geralt, as much as I am enjoying this,” he gasped, back arching as Geralt nipped just below his ear, “Bedroom. Now.”

There was no arguing with that tone nor could he bring himself to find anything to argue about. Geralt tilted his head back up, Jaskier’s lips crushing in against his, taking every last remaining shred of doubt away. He felt his body switch to autopilot as he scooped Jaskier up from under his thighs, pleased at the way his legs wrapped around him automatically. He carried him easily, stopping only for a moment to pin Jaskier to the wall to adjust his grip under him, long enough to flick the lights off.

Jaskier snorted, pulling away. “So considerate.” He teased. Geralt gave him a playful swat on his thigh and the chuckling was cut off by one of those delicious keening noises.

Geralt half stumbled, half marched to where he knew Jaskier’s bedroom to be, blindly pushing the door open with his foot. He let himself bask in the heat of Jaskier’s body pressed to his, taking his bottom lip and biting it.

The reality of where he was came crashing down on him and time was doing that thing again, slowing down as someone else with his hands kneeled against the side of the bed, letting them both tumble back into ridiculously lavish sheets. Years of habitual teasing were only tamped down by Jaskier’s insistent fingers making quick work of the buttons on the front of Geralt’s shirt.

“You just had to wear this one, didn’t you.” Apparently not everyone was so distracted not to tease. “Do you know how hard it was not to just pull you into my apartment and kiss that ridiculous face of yours?”

Geralt gave a wry smile. “Do you know how hard it’s been for fifteen years, being your best friend and thinking I would never get to kiss that beautiful face of yours?”

He had to bite the inside of his lip as Jaskier’s whole face and neck flushed brilliant pink in the low light.

“Geralt!” he practically whined and Geralt couldn’t stop from laughing softly at that, bending back down to kiss him again. He decided he couldn’t help himself, not really.

This was too good. If he could just bottle this moment and tuck it away for every rainy day for the rest of his life, he would.

“I guess I’ll just have to make it up to you now.” Geralt hummed happily. He shifted, the hand under Jaskier’s thigh moving to tug his hips flush with Geralt’s as his other hand moved to cup his face. “As long as you’re okay with that.”

Geralt was pretty sure they were too far gone to ever go back, but even now, he had to make sure.

“Geralt Roger Eric…” Jaskier groused. “If you do not come back down here and kiss-” his words were muffled by Geralt’s mouth, his tongue sliding over Jaskier’s bottom lip and swallowing whatever ridiculous threats may have been lobbed at him.

He found that kissing Jaskier had been easier than breathing. Before he knew it, Geralt was pulling back to pull off his shirt but his hands froze. He cursed under what breath he had left because the view of Jaskier under him, lips kiss bruised and shining, the needy look in his eyes, and the way his hair was pushed in every direction nearly undid Geralt completely.

He snapped back to work, stripping out of his shirt and pushing at his jeans, letting them slide away.

“C'mere you gorgeous thing.” Geralt murmured softly, pulling Jaskier to him before rolling, his back pressed up against the headboard.

Jaskier shimmied out of his own jeans before straddling Geralt’s thighs, letting his fingers trail up the planes of Geralt’s chest, a stray fingernail grazing over his nipple, making him groan. Jaskier only grinned, leaning in, and nipping at Geralt’s neck.

All Geralt could do was groan and tilt his head back, his hands sliding over Jaskier’s back. He was just aware enough to realize when Jaskier started to work his way down his body. Looking down, he watched in complete awe as nimble fingers hooked into his boxers.

The first touch of Jaskier’s mouth to the jut of Geralt’s hip had his blood singing and he could only drop his head back against the wall. He hadn’t realized how achingly hard he was until Jaskier was biting down gently on Geralt’s upper thigh making him jump.

There was a low chuckle from somewhere around his groin and then there was a sharp tug on his boxers. Jaskier wasted no time getting a hand around Geralt’s cock while he still playfully nipped at Geralt’s hip and thigh and abs. This was how he was going to die, he thought absently as he let his hand move to the back of Jaskier’s head. He let his fingers tangle there, tugging gently and Jaskier seemed to get the message though he could feel the smirk against his inner thigh.

The weight of Jaskier between his thighs, one hand sliding up Geralt’s torso as the other stroked him lightly left Geralt breathless, his eyes fluttering at every touch. But it was when Jaskier wrapped his mouth around the head of his cock that Geralt felt like he was going to vibrate out of his skin. He bucked his hips instinctively into the hot slick of Jaskier’s mouth before he could stop himself.

For long moments, all Geralt could do was hold on. Jaskier took him slowly, seeming to savor the newly found ground between them as he bobbed further and further until Geralt was nudging the back of his throat. He gasped, his back arching when Jaskier swallowed around him, his responding hum a little too self satisfied.

Geralt tightened his grip in Jaskier’s hair only slightly, tugging him up. It was messy and Jaskier’s mouth was open and slick, his eyes glazed slightly with a need that left Geralt breathless. He looked debauched and it was honestly the most beautiful thing Geralt had ever seen.

“Fuck,” he groaned pulling Jaskier back into his lap, his hips stuttering to grind up against Jaskier’s thigh.

Jaskier pressed in close, panting slightly as he broke a kiss that had been more teeth than anything, leaning his forehead to Geralt’s. “Mm, fuck. We- Ah,” He chuckled as Geralt dipped in to kiss him again, dodging away gracefully. “Geralt, I need-” he licked his lips , taking a shaky breath. “Want you to-”

Geralt was already nodding. He would agree to anything Jaskier asked for but the way his hips ground down against Geralt’s lap, it wasn’t hard to fill in the blanks. He wrapped a strong arm around Jaskier’s middle, rolling them gently until Jaskier was under him his knees still bracketed around Geralt’s thighs as he arched and keened.

“Under the notebook in the-” Jaskier breathed his hands not leaving Geralt’s skin for a moment, fingers greedily mapping out the lines of his back.

“I know, you haven’t changed your hiding place since college,” Geralt teased. To his surprise Jaskier snorted under him, his head tilting back in the pillows as he laughed. It left the column of his neck exposed to Geralt and he couldn’t help himself but lean down and bite small marks into it. He was rewarded by more delicious noises endlessly streaming from Jaskier.

He pulled away only for the time it would take to retrieve the lube before sliding back down into Jaskier’s arms and kissing him thoroughly. His hands traveled down Jaskier’s bare chest, his fingers brushing along the top of his boxers and he gave a low huff into Jaskier’s mouth.

“Why are these still on?” he grumbled, smirking when Jaskier rolled his eyes at him.

“Someone’s been slacking in getting me undressed,” Jaskier shot back.

TheirThere next kiss was a mess of chuckles and grins. Geralt shifted them again, moving to get Jaskier’s boxers down. The laughter died in Jaskier’s throat when Geralt’s fingers brushed low down his back and grazed over the swell of his ass, he buried his face into Geralt’s neck. Geralt didn’t tease for long before pulling away. It made Jaskier groan and nip at his neck until slick fingers returned to his entrance, circling slowly.

“Fuck!” Jaskier moaned, his hips already rocking back greedily.

Geralt quietly cursed himself for letting so much time get away from him as he slowly worked Jaskier open, enjoying the way he shivered and babbled under him with every push of his fingers. When he slipped a third finger in, Jaskier bucked under him, his eyes slamming shut as he gave a shout.

“Geralt! Fuck, dear heart, please, for the love of all that is good-” he pleaded, his hips rocking back onto Geralt’s fingers eagerly. “If you don’t fuck me soon I’m going to combust.”

Geralt leaned down, muffling the rest of the curses that were probably coming with a hard kiss. Jaskier arched under him as he pulled his hands away. It was easy after that, letting their bodies slot together and letting himself slide into Jaskier’s tight warmth. It felt like a gut punch. It felt like coming home.

Jaskier wound his legs around his waist, hands reaching up to thread into Geralt’s hair as he rolled his hips, taking Geralt deeper, causing them both to groan.

“Jask.” Geralt pressed his face to Jaskier’s shoulder panting as he started a steady pace. Soon only the sound of their heavy breathing and Jaskier’s soft moans filled the room around them.

Time around them seemed to hold still as Jaskier tugged gently on Geralt’s hair, prying him away from his shoulder to look him in the eyes. The look Geralt found there left the world spinning. Jaskier’s eyes were bright and his smile warm even as his cheeks flushed. He was pliant and open and completely wrecked and the sight of him tugged at Geralt’s chest. The words came tumbling out before he could stop himself, his hips slowly rolling into Jaskier as they moved.

“I love you, Julek,” he murmured as he kissed him slowly.

Jaskier whined under him, his fingers tightening in Geralt’s hair, pulling him impossibly closer. When they finally broke apart to gasp for air, Jaskier's eyes were searching his as he bit his lip around a low moan. He huffed a wet sounding laugh as a hand slid from Geralt’s hair to rest on his cheek, a well calloused thumb tracing along his chin. “Oh, dear heart,” he shifted, canting his hips to make Geralt move. The angle shifted and Geralt seemed to nudge right against where Jaskier needed him most as he arched from the mattress and groaned.

Geralt pushed up to sit, pulling Jaskier up with him until he was in his lap. They rocked together, shuddering every time Geralt bottomed out. He gripped Jaskier’s hip tightly with one hand as his other slid between them, wrapping around Jaskier’s cock. Jaskier pushed up into his hand, swaying between his grip and his cock, they both seemed drunk on it. It was only a matter of time after that that Jaskier was crying out, Geralt’s name tumbling from his lips, his orgasm tearing through him like a whirlwind and Geralt could do nothing but hold onto him.

Geralt steadied him, his hand holding Jaskier still as he thrust up into him, reveling in the small fucked out noises Jaskier whimpered into his neck before he too was shaking apart, spilling into Jaskier with a low satisfied rumble.

They kissed again, lazy and sated, their chests a mess with Jaskier’s spend. He broke the kiss first, pulling back with that smile that always left Geralt feeling dazed.

“I love you, too. I love-” he didn’t get to finish because Geralt was pressing him down into the mattress again with a hard kiss, smiling.

He was allowed. Everything that had happened seemed to catch up with him but instead of the sheer panic he had been expecting, the only thing that wrapped around him in that moment was the bright light that was Jaskier’s answering laugh.

Everything was sore but in that pleasant kind of way after a good lay. Jaskier rolled over, pressing his nose into the pillow beside him. He smiled when he realized it still smelled like Geralt.

Geralt. Fuck!

His hand reached out before he let himself open his eyes, wincing against the bright morning light that streamed in through his windows. The space beside him was empty.

But… Geralt had said it first? Where-? Jaskier’s heart sank, his throat tightening. He knew it was too good to be true. The moment Geralt had kissed him on the couch, he had pushed down every part of him that had screamed that he was going to end up hurt by time the sun came.

He reached for his phone though he didn’t know who he was going to text. Essi wouldn’t even be awake yet on a Saturday. The space by his lamp was also empty. He realized he must have left his phone in the living room the night before when-

He tried not to think about how easily Geralt had lifted him up and carried him to bed. He had tried not to think about how there were now bruises on his hips that were shaped like Geralt’s hands or the trail of stinging bites that he would have to carry around his empty apartment for days. He pressed the heals of his hands to his eyes and groaned.

“Idiot,” he berated himself.

“Cause you left your phone in the living room and now it’s dead?” Geralt asked, pushing the door open with his foot. He was in a pair of Jaskier’s sweatpants and nothing else carrying in two cups of coffee. He looked up from where he had been concentrating, trying not to spill them. “What?”

“You’re here,” Jaskier chuckled. Something in his chest lifted and he let go of a breath he hadn’t realized he had been holding.

“I… yes?” Geralt looked around. There was a lovely mark in the shape of Jaskier’s mouth on his shoulder and it made Jaskier’s toes curl. Geralt looked at the space beside Jaskier then at his face. He made a little oh with his mouth before he started to shake his head. “Oh! I see, hmm.” He set the coffee down gently on the side table and slid back into bed and into Jaskier’s arms. “Didn’t mean to scare you.”

“So we’re…” Jaskier looked away, rubbing his palms over his covered thighs. “We’re okay?” He didn’t dare hope. Not just yet. Not in the bright light of day.

“Well, that depends,” Geralt chuckled, pulling him into his lap easily. He leaned in and kissed Jaskier’s chin. “Yenn messaged. Something about brunch. I think they know. Are you okay with that?”

Jaskier snorted, leaning over to grab his coffee. “Essi. I told her it was just movie night. I tell her it’s just movie night every time and-” He realized what he was saying, the cup of coffee hovering just at his lips. He looked sideways at Geralt who was tilting his head and smirking.

“The biggest gossip we know and that’s the one you decide to confide in?” He took the cup from Jaskier’s hands and set it down again before rolling them both to pin Jaskier under him.

Jaskier squawked indignity, his arms wrapping around Geralt. He let himself be kissed and hummed happily when Geralt slotted easily back between his thighs.

“We’re going to be late for brunch,” he sighed as Geralt’s hand slipped down to his thigh, fingers brushing gently over the marks from the night before.

“Hmm, don’t care.”

They ended up missing brunch altogether but neither seemed to mind.

---

The weather was crisp and dry and Jaskier was bundled in the black hoodie, but now pressed against Geralt’s side as they walked into Magnolia’s. It had been easier than Geralt was expecting though he groaned as he watched several fairly large wads of cash exchange hands.

“Pay up, Jask,” Essi grinned.

“What?” Geralt turned, scowling. Jaskier gave a chagrined shrug as he handed over money. “So little faith?” Geralt teased.

“You too, pretty boy!” Lambert smirked across the table.

Jaskier gasped beside him, leaning away “So little faith, Geralt?” The sleeves of the hoodie fell over his wrists and Geralt only smiled, pulling him back against his side.

“I don’t mind being wrong this time.”

#geraskier #modern au #fluff and smut #friends to lovers #jays 400 follower celebration #jay writes #mind the tags on this one yall #it's spicy #and soft

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disaster-bay-leaf · 4 years ago

Note

Ok so these were the cutest~ (ㆁωㆁ)

4, 6, 7, 9, 12, 19, 22, 23, 28, 33, 34, 46, 47, 52, 59, 60, 63, 66, 83, 87, 88, 93, 99

I kno I listed like....all of them lmao but feel free to answer whichever you want and ofc you can ask me in return Baybe ( ◜‿◝ )♡

uHUHUHUHU much content for me to answer, im happy bebe 💜💜💜✨

4 - how do you take your coffee/tea?

hm coffee either Very Black No Sugar (for the sleep deprived me) or iced latte three sugars and theres no in between

and as for tea its All Black Teas That Exist, cinnamon-flavoured especially (but basically all teas that come to mind when u think “autumn”), and rooibos!!! okay basically the only oke i dont like is any type of green tea (which is sad because they look cool but my tastebuds said ✨no✨)

6 - do you keep plants?

honestly id l o v e too because i love plants but,,, im kinda horrible at taking care of them though still way better than the majority of my family (research helps) so the only plant i own is kinda a small-palm-tree-looking thing in a bigass glass jar that i saved from my mother’s plant-destructing hands and its mostly doing well (the ends of its leaves are starting to be yellow tho and im worried:((( )

7 - do you name your plants?

yes!!! though the current one was named by my sister and its called “pickett” after fantastic beasts shsjjsj

9 - do you like singing/humming to yourself?

oh god oh dude you have n o idea

i have absolutely n o singing voice but its something i do constantly to give my brain the right amount of stimuli so basically i listen to music 24/7 and hum to myself 99% of that time

12 - whats your favourite planet?

oh i actually didnt think about this for so long but either pluto (hes a planet screw nasa) or saturn (RINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) or venus (girls,,,and libra,,,)

19 - do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw in it?

okay im gonna be completely honest with yall and say that my every single try at keeping a journal failed spectacularly and i lost motivation after like a few months so my only journals rn are my fancy fake-leather-bound calendar to note tests and assessments into, a kinda roughed up notebook that i uses for noting down poems or scribbling or passing notes in class, and a kinda fancy bullet journal notebook that i used as a book of shadows for a while but since my fountain pen died i didnt touch it

22 - are you a morning person?

n o

i am so not a morning person but i wish i could be because honestly dawns are beautiful

but as it is rn im either sleep deprived all the time and loathe every second of being in an awake state or (if i have a few days of schoolbreak) my biological clock moves forward a few hours and i sleep 2am-10am

23 - whats your favourite thing to do on lazy days with zero obligations?

except for the fact that i dont remember the last time it happened, i would probably spend it drawing outside, watching anime with my sister and riding a bike around the forest

28 - sunrise or sunset?

i love sunrises because its so peaceful and everyone is asleep but also i subconsciously immediately correlate them with waiting for a train to take me to school (because thats basically the only time i see them) so its a bittersweet love especially with my fucked up biological clock

but sunsets are really really pretty too and i see them more often so i cant choose

33 - whats your fave pastry?

and isnt that a millior-dollar question dhsjjsjsj

either cinnamon rolls (i absolutely adore them) or that one specific type of cupcake-shaped-thing made out of shortcrust/bread/whatever its called and filled with vanilla pudding

34 - tell us about a stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it?

awwww this is cute

okay so basically my two favourite stuffed animals (i still have them, they sit in my wardrobe) were two teddy bears (like maybe 20cm high each of them) and one was pure brown and the other was silver-brown and they had stereotypical polish male names “Waldek” (read. Valdek) and Stefan (i think tho im not sure if i remember correctly, my memory is a feeble thing sometimes

46 - tell us the worst pun you can think of

what dog would never bite you? a hot dog *badumtss*

47 - what food do you think should be banned from the universe?

huh a year ago id say pineapple pizza but i guess i dont hate pineapples that much anymore (tho putting them on pizza is still an abomination) but i think that if id ever want to get rid of anything it would be parsley, i hate that freakin herb (does it count as food tho)

52 - what are your favourite memes of the year so far?

the ever given for sure shsjshjsjsjsjjsj

but bullying tramp stamps is gold and pure tumblr energy too

as for fandom memes: im in love with all keeping-up-with-the-todorokis variations and the fact that the entire bsd fandom looked at fukuchi and said “biTCH” and thats one of the only things we’re unanimous about

59 - whats your favourite myth?

i always liked the kora/persephone myth (though demeter is an overbearing parent to the nth power), loki and thor crossdressing at a party to get mjolnir back, atalanta because shes a queen and id politely ask her to kick my ass, and cassandra because she deserved better, and theres a l o t more because alas i was a mythology nerd but this post is long enough for me not to make this section 20 times longer sjjsjsjsjsjks

but there are a lot of slavic myths that are very cool too, though we dont know that much about them as about the greeks for example

60 - do you like poetry? what are some of your faves?

o o o o h yeah i do like poetry because to create such a beautifully sounding thing with only words someone has to be a genius

some of my favs are: some works of nakahara chuuya (thank u bsd for introducing me to this man’s beautiful imagery in his works i swear to god the descriptions do it for me) (also his poem about having hangovers is a mood like i feel you buddy), the raven by ea poe (i know everyone likes it but hOLY DAMN THE INTER/INTRAVERSE RHYMES ARE LIKE,,, BREATHTAKING) (and aso im a slut for gothic horror), and many more but also That One Poem From Welcome To Nightvale about reaching the island in the west,,, only perfect vibes from it

63 - are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organised or kinda leave them be?

okay heres the thing. for anyone else both my playlist library and my bookshelf would be considered pure chaos of a mad man b u t they actually have a highly focused system which means that i sort them based on their vibes, lovability and (in case of books) their age and whether or not theyre a part of a series so i would say my bookshelf is rather organised (when a quarter of it isnt occupying my desk that is) and my music is more organised than not but sometimes it gets out of control and i have to sort it entirely again

66 - what would your ideal flower crown look like?

either entirely constructed of simple white daisies, entirely constructed of only white roses, or something that probably would win a “how many different coloured flowers can one fit in a flower crown” competition

or something purple (maybe not belladonna)

83 - whats some of your favourite album art?

god i dont know if it counts but hozier’s wasteland baby is probably one of my absolute favourites and no one shall beat that

“thrifted youth” (dalynn) and “standard deviation” (danny schmidt) have very aesthetic covers too

also the iconic p!atd too weird to live, too rare to die! album cover,,, its just iconic what can i say

and last but not least matt meason’s pink-and-black album covers (though bank on the funeral is really pretty too but like,,, “who killed matt meason” d o e s it for me and so does the 2017 tribulation single)

87 - what are some movies that you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives?

this is such a hard question because im not a really cinematography-oriented gal but i suppose that (at the risk of not going deep enough into the cinema world):

- the princess bride

- inception

- night at the museum

- SPIRITED AWAY

- forrest gump

- truman show

- E.T. (i cried okay)

- the lord of the rings (because damn me if this isnt one impressive adaptation)

- parasite

and one more personal recommendation: “ready or not” with samara weaving because goddamn i dont usually watch this genre but holy s h i t is it good

93 - whats the hairstyle you wear the most?

honestly just plain hair down (because having curly hair is a menace), split in the middle when i have longer hair and split on one side when its short

also low ponytails or half-up-half-down when im exercising, or double french braids when my hair doesnt cooperate enough to look presentable in any other form

99 - list some songs that resonate with your soul whenever you hear them

this is difficult because my music taste is a goddamn rollercoaster on a good day, but heres some:

- me and the sky from “come from away” musical (this is sort of a test song for my mental stability, if i cry i aint stable)

- dancing after death by matt meason (okay most songs by matt meason except for like,,, hallucinogenics maybe)

- tears and rain by james blunt

- i will follow you into the dark by death cab for cutie

- almost home by mxmtoon

- anything by hozier really but shrike especially

- payphone, the cover by alex g (i cried to this song so many times)

- burning pile by mother mother (can i roast all my problems please)

- long way from home and cleopatra by the lumineers

- autoclave by the mountain goats

oooh that was c o o o o o o o l as fuck thank you sm so much bebe (and sorry for the long post @everyone else)

#smadhuman being pure af #bay answers #long post #very long post #ask #asks

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barnesandrogersfanfics · 5 years ago

Text

Home - Part 8

"Well i have to admit i did not see my night ending like this" i giggled looking up at Bucky (yes! I actually giggled!!) "not that I'm complaining... at all!" I added as we lay side by side on the sofa, Bucky's arms wrapped around me, legs entwined, a pile of discarded clothes on the floor and i couldn't be happier.

"Me either doll, but I'm so glad this is how our night ended" he smiled placing a kiss on the end of my nose.

"No regrets?" I asked nervously as my hand stroked over his chest.

"None whats so ever. Do you?...Regret it?"

"Not at all Buck" i leant in and pressed a kiss to his lips.

"God i wish we could stay like this all night" Bucky said trailing his hand up and down my back.

"But you should get back to the girls, let Steve go home" i chuckled.

"Yeah" he nodded before pulling me tight against him and kissing me "i really don't wanna leave you naked and alone"

"I don't want you to go either but i know you need to" after one more kiss i reluctantly sat up and grabbed my hoodie from the floor and pulled it on, it was a bit cold now i wasnt surrounded by Bucky's body heat.

"Do you want a coffee before you go?... tea?" I offered getting up from the sofa.

"Id love a coffee please doll" he smiled reaching for his clothes.

"Its so nice here, your place actually feels like a home" i heard him say a few minutes later from the living room while i finished making his coffee and my tea.

"Thanks, its actually feeling like home now I've changed things to how i like"

"I feel more at home here than at my own house how messed up is that?"

"Your always welcome here Buck, you and the girls" i smiled at him as i walked back in with the drinks. Bucky was dressed again in jeans and t-shirt, lacing up his boots when i came back in.

"You'll regret saying that when you cant get rid of us" he chuckled.

"Try me" i shrugged sitting back down on the sofa next to him, he dived at me laying me down covering my body with his as he buried his face in my neck pressing kisses to that spot that drove me wild.

"Come home with me.... we can continue this at my place" he mumbled.

"Its late Buck"

"Come on doll, please?"

"How about you and the girls come for a sleep over tomorrow?"

"Really?" He asked leaning back just enough that he could see my face.

"Sure, they can have the spare rooms and you....."

"Can share with you" he wiggled his eyebrows.

"I was gonna say you can have the sofa but okay..." i squealed when he attacked my sides tickling me as he laughed.

"Oh you think your funny huh?"

"Hilarious..... okay, okay i give up I'm sorry Buck! Please stop" i laughed trying to grab his hands to stop the attack.

"So i can share with you?"

"Of course".

After Bucky had finished his coffee he headed home to his girls. I set the alarm and headed straight to bed feeling like i was on cloud nine after what had happened with Bucky.... I was asleep before my head hit the pillow.

When i woke up the next morning i had a message from Bucky, he couldn't have had much sleep because he was texting me at 5:30am and he didn't leave mine til nearing 2am!

Bucky: Morning beautiful, hope you slept well. Rosie had me up at 5am! i need sleep!! Xx

Y/N: Morning Buck, i slept great thanks for asking ;) you have no one to blame but yourself for your lack of sleep lol xx

Bucky: um really? Because i seem to remember you were there too. Worth every minute of lost sleep though doll ❤️xx

Y/N: Your damn right it was!

So you guys still coming for a sleep over? Xx

Bucky: Yes! I told the girls this morning and their so excited.... so am i by the way xx

Y/N: You just wanna get in my bed Mr Barnes! Lol xx

Bucky: True! Lol xx

Y/N: I'll go to the store for supplies xx

Bucky: Need me to bring anything? Xx

Y/N: Just you and those girls xx

Bucky: That i can do. What time? Xx

Y/N: Well i should be back from the store around 12, so whenever your ready xx

Bucky: Don't judge me if I'm there dead on 12, i miss you already xx

Y/N: Awww i miss you too. Right im gonna go shower and get to the store, i will see you guys soon xx

Bucky: Okay doll, see you soon xx

About an hour later i was dressed in denim shorts and a cropped blue sweater, and i had even had time to paint my nails!

I was currently on my way to the store, singing along loudly (and very off key) to the radio. Once inside i grabbed everything i would need along with a little surprise for everyone and was currently looking at the frozen pizza's. I couldn't shake the feeling that someone was watching me.... following me around the store. But every time i looked there was no one suspicious around. Grabbing a few different pizzas i added them to the cart and carried on to the ice cream.

"Mint choc chip was always your favorite" a too familiar voice said from behind me instantly making me tense.

I slowly turned and came face to face with a smug looking Jack!!

"What are you doing here??.... you can't be this close Jack"

"Rightttt your restraining order" he nodded shaking his head with a smile "you really thought that'd stop me taking back whats mine?"

"Im not yours Jack!!!" I said through gritted teeth "Please just leave me alone!!" I turned away and headed to the registers to pay, i needed to get away from him.

"Not gonna happen princess, you promised to love me til death do us part remember?" He called after me clearly amused by the situation.

"Come near me again Jack and i'll call the police" i turned to tell him while trying my best not to show how scared i was being this close to him. As i was paying for my groceries i looked up to see Jack leaving the store, he turned and looked over with a smile.

"I'll see you around Y/N" he smirked before finally leaving the store.

When i got home it was just after 12 and i was relieved to see Bucky's car in the drive already. He was sitting on the hood of his car watching the girls running around the yard playing. He turned and smiled with a wave as i pulled into the drive behind his car, by the time i was getting out the car Bucky was sliding off the hood and making his way to me. When he was close enough i fell into arms holding him around his waist.

"Im so glad your here Bucky" i mumbled against his chest as his hands caressed my back.

"You okay?"

"Not really, just had a run in with Jack at the store"

"What??!" He asked pulling back to look at me "what happened?"

"I was just getting ice cream and he appeared behind me. I told him he needed to stay away.... he laughed about the restraining order, said it wouldn't stop him from getting back what was his"

"He wont be saying that when i get his ass arrested! My buddy Sam is a cop, i'll put in a call"

"Thank you, his not gonna stop without a fight Buck. He said i promised to love him til death do us part..... what if he..."

"Don't. Don't even finish that sentence doll. I will not let that man hurt you i promise" he leaned down and kissed me.

"Im scared Buck, i know what his like..."

"You'll be fine baby, i'll make sure of it"

It was quiet as Bucky just held me close "you believe me don't you?"

"Of course Buck, i know i'll be okay with you around".

"Y/N's home!!!" Allie suddenly yelled loudly and before i knew what was going on all three girls were running towards me happily. I knelt down just in time to catch them, Allie and Brooke reaching me first followed by little Rosie.

"Hey girls, you ready for our sleepover?"

"YEAH!!!!"

"Good! Well come on lets get inside, maybe we can make a fort again?"

"Can we?? that would be so cool!" Brooke said with the biggest smile.

"Sure we can, and daddy can help this time"

"Come on Y/N lets go!" Allie grabbed my hand pulling me towards the house.

"I gotta get the groceries first"

"You take the girls in and i'll grab the groceries" Bucky smiled giving me a quick kiss as he passed me on the way to my car.

"Ewwww dad you can't kiss Y/N!" Allie said with her hands on her hips as i scooped up Rosie.

"Why not?" Bucky chuckled at her

"Because she's our Y/N!" She squinted her eyes at her dad before taking my hand and pulling me towards the house again.

"You've got some competition Buck" i called over to him laughing.

All thoughts of Jack already taking a back seat as i focused on the girls and Bucky, i wouldn't let him ruin our night.

Home taglist: @jeremyrennerfanxxxx123 @lumar014

@bbmommy0902 @past-perfect-future-tense

@heathens-takeitsl0w @captainchrisstan

@ladymelissastark @93generation

@sebastianstansqueen @oceansxpurple

@Imjstaghoststory @rainbowkisses31

@superavengerpotterstar @cap-just-said-language

@booktease21 @ms-betsy-fangirl @wildest-dream-

@michelehansel @thummbelina @abbylizy

@sweetlittlegingy @lorabem @barnesandrogersworld @dumblani

#sebastian stan #bucky barnes #bucky x reader #bucky imagine #bucky barnes x reader #reader insert #home

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lenniewip · 5 years ago

Text

Unknown (A Sterek Wrong Number/Celebrity AU)

11.09 PM Unknown Number

>I’m writing songs about you again.

11.20 PM Unknown Number

>its stiles btw.

>in case you deleted my number

>I did.

>I mean I deleted yours.

>but I still remember it apparently

11:41 PM Unknown Number

>I only have 2 lines so far

11:57 PM Unknown Number

>I bleed you from my veins.

>I grieve you like I love you.

>alone.

>its better with the chords.

>u were always better at writing lyrics than me

12:34 AM Unknown Number

>u were better everything than me

2:00 AM Unknown Number

>I hate that I miss you

2:07 AM Unknown Number

>do u want to hook up?

>I promise not to propose again

2:15 AM Unknown Number

>im sorry.

>ignore me.

>im drinking

Derek blinked bleary eyes. His phone screen was the only source of light in his room, as he read through the flurry text messages.

What the hell is a Stiles?

2:17 AM Unknown Number

<I think you have the wrong number

>Lydia?

<no

>oh thank fuck

>I mean

>I’m sorry

>for disturbing ur sleep

>but im just glad I didn’t drunk text my ex all of this

>bullet dodged right?

>is this what near death experiences feel like?

<I wouldn’t know.

>of course

>hey

>seeming as I have you here can I ask you a quick q?

>all my friends are asleep

<probably because its 3am

<everyone’s asleep

>2.39

>and ur not

>asleep that is

>so?

>I’ll take your silence as a go ahead

>what do you think?

>of the lyrics

<im the wrong person to ask

>never experienced heartbreak?

<no

<all song lyrics just look like bad poetry to me

>oh

>yeah I guess it does

>not everyone can be Rupi Kaur tho right?

<do you want to be rupi kaur?

>sure

>not to be dramatic or anything

>but

>I want to be anyone but me

>think id rather be someone like regina spektor tho

<regina spektor?

>singer/song writer

>shes my fucking inspiration

>her lyrics are like poetry to me

>you should listen to her music

<I dont really listen to music

>what the fuck?

>are you an alien?

<no?

>nice fucking try ET

>thats exactly what an alien would say

<…you got me there

>akdjfen

>is this you admitting I was right?

<no

<but this is me going to bed

<because its now 4AM

>already?

>fuck

>ive got an early start tomorrow

>good night random stranger

>and thanks

>for listening

>or reading ig

<good night

“You’re late.” Laura frowned, arms crossed.

“Are you going to let me in?” Derek grumbled, still feeling the affects of having stayed up until 4AM the previous night.

Laura didn’t argue she just stepped aside to let him through into her flat. “You’re grumpier than usual.” She noted.

“Didn’t sleep well.”

Derek hated the look she gave him then.

The look that said he was broken. The look that said she wanted to fix him.

“Is…Is it the nightmares again?” Laura’s voice dipped to a whisper, like the question alone would be enough to send him over the edge.

“No.”

An awkward silence defended over the two of them, neither knowing what to say.

Derek clung to the silence like a blanket, wishing things could go back to how they used to be. Back to when they knew how to speak to one another.

But this was enough.

It was enough to know that they were both trying. Failing. But trying.

2:40 PM Laura

>I’m here if you need to talk.

Derek isn’t good at art, but sometimes it’s the only way he can express himself. Words had never been his forte.

So instead he doodles.

Shitty toddler level doodles that he never shows anyone.

Sometimes he thinks if he could bring himself to show Laura she would like it. Maybe she would even understand it.

But there was a bigger chance that she wouldn’t, and he would feel even more like a stranger to his own sister than he already was.

10:18 PM Unknown Number

>I don’t remember it anymore

<You have the wrong number again

>No

>This is ‘not Lydia’ right?

<right

>So here’s the thing.

>I always thought if I needed to text her I could

>And I thought maybe I got her number wrong because I was drunk

>But I can’t remember it anymore

<Oh.

>I have some of her things still

>I don’t think I’ll ever get to return it now

>Unless she messages me first

<When did you two break up?

>Last year

>and I know what you’re thinking

>’it’s October’

>and I should be over her by now

>Trust me I know

>So you don’t need to lecture me

<I wasn’t going to

>Oh

<Stiles?

>That’s weird

<what is?

>I forgot I told you my name

<You should throw away the stuff she left behind.

>you’re right

>I don’t like it.

>but you’re right

>…thanks

<What for?

>for listening

>reading**

>my friends are pretty sick of hearing me complain

>so this is nice

<sure

<anytime

>dope

>no take backsies

<am I going to regret this?

>for definite

>you’re stuck with me now

That night Derek saves Stiles’ number as ‘Bad Poet’.

Stiles keeps messaging after that.

Stiles messages like they’ve been friends for years, and Derek very determinedly does not analyse why it is he always responds.

Even when there are messages dated from Laura from three days ago that he hasn’t even been able to bring himself to open yet.

He also ignores how when he’s messaging Stiles the gaping pit that had made residence in his chest feels just a little less inescapable.

Derek can’t bring himself to tell Stiles his name. He can’t bring himself open up, even though there’s a large part of him that wants to.

He’s not above admitting he’s scared.

Derek draws Stiles sometimes.

More accurately he draws a vague pair hands texting on a phone, because he has no idea what Stiles actually looks like.

Derek refuses to let himself dwell on that though, because they are happy drawings.

The pictures of Stiles are pretty much his only happy drawings right now.

They don’t always talk about Lydia.

Sometimes Stiles messages Derek song lyrics he’s working on.

Other times it’s memes, or just a bunch of emojis.

Once Stiles had just messaged him what Derek could only assume was a list of everything he had eaten that day.

Sometimes Stiles messages in rambles - and Derek can’t always keep up with the boy’s run away thoughts, but even then he never feels lost the way he does when he’s trying to interact with literally anyone else.

And sometimes it’s 2AM. Those are simultaneously Derek’s favourite and least favourite texts.

2:02 AM Bad Poet

>sometimes I feel like too much

>and too little

>at the same time

>u ever feel like that ET?

<not really

>its like I’m infinite, and meaningless

>like a never ending echo

>or a recurring decimal

>I just stretch on and on forever but theres no point to it

>I have no depth

<youre not meaningless

<you’re a rhythm.

<like breathing

>…

>was that a regina spektor reference?

<it might have been

>I thought you didn’t listen to music?

<well someone said her lyrics were like poetry

<so I thought I would check out a few songs

>well fuck

>what did you think?

<she’s good

>you spelt ‘amazing’ wrong

<I still prefer poetry

>of course you do

Derek stared at the texts an ache filling his chest.

Derek was the opposite of infinite. Everything he touched turned to flames.

10:30AM Bad Poet

<my sister bought me flower seeds

>I didn’t know you had a sister?

<she’s everything I have

>oh

<and I think she’s trying to trick me into therapy somehow

>…with flower seeds?

<yes

>you sound extremely paranoid

>maybe therapy wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world for you?

<shut up

>noted.

>keep me posted on how your gardening goes

>also

>as a side note

>you know you have me too right?

>if you ever need to talk or anything, I’m right here for you

<thanks

>anytime

On Derek’s birthday Laura insists the two of them spend the day together, and Derek knows better than to argue.

She buys him a cake and they spend hours sat next to one another silently. Two strangers desperately trying to keep hold of one another but with an ocean dividing them.

Once their family had been so alive.

And it was all Derek’s fault that was gone.

They both knew it.

Sometimes Derek wondered if Laura hated him as much as he did.

He was too scared to ask.

That night Derek chased the ache in his chest away with a drink.

And then several more followed.

1:14 AM Bad Poet

<seh haars me

>sorry bud, you’re going to have to try again

>try spell checking before hitting send

<she.hates mee

>who?

<larn

>are you drunk?

<yeh

<tyongs ndrf

*Out Going Call: Bad Poet*

The phone rings twice before being picked up. “Sorry. Stupid keyboard is so small. Impossible to type.” Derek mumbled, his words slightly muffled by his cheek being pressed into the sofa cushion.

“Wow. You’re really sloshed huh?”

“No.” Derek denied. “Just tipsy.”

“Right. So what was it you were trying to tell me? Someone hates you?”

“Laura.”

“Who’s Laura?”

“My sister.”

“Oh.”

“She looks at me like she wishes she could fix me.”

“That doesn’t sound like she hates you, bud.”

“She should. I can’t be fixed.”

“You’re right, because you’re not broken.”

Hearing Stiles say that Derek could almost believe it to be true.

“I mean it. You’re not broken. You’re just a different shape than you used to be. But the shape you are now is beautiful.”

Derek closes his eyes and lets the words wash over him. “Do you sing?” He finds himself asking.

“What?”

“I know you write songs, but do you ever sing?”

“Oh…” Stiles sounds uncomfortable. “I guess… Yeah. I do.”

Derek hummed in the back of his throat. “I bet you have a nice voice.”

“Th-thanks.”

Derek tried to say something else, but all that comes out is a yawn, which makes Stiles let out a jittery laugh.

Derek tries to memorise the sound of It, but it’s so fleeting, it’s already slipping away from him.

“I think you need to go sleep, ET.”

“Yeah.” Derek agrees.

“Goodnight bud.”

“Wait.”

“Yeah?”

“Could you stay on the phone? Just for a bit longer.” Derek clutched on to the phone like if he could grip tightly enough it would make Stiles stay.

I don’t want to be alone. The words die on Derek’s tongue.

“Sure.” Stiles didn’t hesitate. “Of course.”

“Thank you.”

Sleep pulled at Derek’s consciousness, unravelling his grip on reality.

“Stiles?”

Stiles hummed in answer.

“Your shape is beautiful too.”

A small whimper came from the other end of the phone. “Thanks.”

7:50 AM Bad Poet

>how are you feeling today?

<better

>good <3

Derek holds his phone tightly and wishes that he had more to say. Just to keep the conversation going.

He also wishes (not for the first time) that Stiles was more than a faceless entity on the other end of the phone.

But it’s the first time he feels the want like a physical ache in his chest.

Derek had never been good with words, but if Stiles was here in front of him Derek would probably give him a hug.

But everything Derek touches eventually dies, and a larger part of him is relieved for the distance.

Derek plants the seeds his sister got him that day.

9:48 PM Bad Poet

>would it totally weird you out if I wanted to do another phone call?

>don’t feel like you need to say yes

>I just enjoyed talking to you

>and hearing your voice

>ugh.

>why are words so hard?

<I wouldn’t be opposed to a phone call

*Incoming Call: Bad Poet*

“Hey.” Derek feels breathless as he answers the phone, anxious excitement clawing it’s way up his throat.

“Hey.” Stiles sounds equally out of breath, and that helps.

Derek chews on his lip, scrambling for something to say. “What did you want to talk about?”

“I don’t know.” Stiles admitted. “Anything.”

“Helpful.” Derek said sarcastically.

“I mean. There’s one thing. I didn’t want to ask when you were drunk because it felt a little like taking advantage. And I don’t want you to think you have to answer-”

“Stiles.” Derek interrupts before Stiles could break into a full blown ramble.

“Tell me your name.” Stiles breaks. “Please.”

Anxiety grips his heart. But… he couldn’t stay scared forever.

“It’s Derek.”

“Derek.” Stiles repeats his name in a reverent whisper, as if committing it to memory.

And hearing Stiles say his name makes everything worth it.

Phone calls become a regular thing between the two of them over the next month. Always between late in the evening and the early hours of the day.

The next time Derek spirals he doesn’t drink before he calls Stiles, but he does cry on the phone.

The next morning he wakes up to a text from Stiles.

6:42 AM Bad Poet

>you need to talk to your sister

And Derek knows he’s right.

It’s not easy confronting Laura. He has two separate anxiety attacks on the walk to her apartment alone.

But he forces himself to take the dive.

“It’s okay if you hate me.” He tells her, even though it’s not okay. Laura’s hate might be the only thing in the world that could break him beyond repair.

Laura looks horrified as she stares at him. “I don’t- Obviously I don’t hate you Derek.”

“It’s my fault that they’re gone.” Derek addresses the elephant in the room.

If he hadn’t fallen in love with Kate.

If he hadn’t broken up with her, just to try and prove a point when she refused to say ‘I love you’ back…

There never would have been a fire.

Their family would still be here if it wasn’t for him.

“Fuck that!” Laura let out a harsh noise. “Derek, none of this was ever your fault. You were a kid, and even if you weren’t… You never set the fire.”

“I might as well have.”

“No. If anyone… I was your big sister- am your big sister. But I was so fucking wrapped up in myself. I didn’t even know about Kate.”

The last time Derek had seen Laura cry it had been at the funeral, so it took a second to fully sink in what he was seeing.

He found himself crying to.

“I’m so sorry, Der.”

Derek stumbled forwards pulling Laura into a crushing hug. Laura hugs him back just as tight.

They spend hours refusing to let go of one another.

He realises he fell asleep on Laura’s sofa when he woke up to the sound of his phone ringing. But he had no idea where it was, and he was too tired to move.

He feels Laura moving and the sound of the phone ringing gets louder before cutting off abruptly.

“Hello?”

“No - Derek’s asleep.”

“Maybe call at a more reasonable time?”

“Who is this?”

“Your voice sounds familiar.”

“Right.”

“Okay. Bye.”

Derek let sleep over take him once more.

2:29 AM Bad Poet

>sorry for calling so late

>you’re asleep so I’ll just take to you tomorrow

9:07 AM Bad Poet

<sorry, I was really tried

>no worries man

>you’re allowed to have a life outside of me

<was something wrong?

>no I was just bored, and didn’t realise how late it had gotten

>im fine

>how are you?

<im good actually

<I spoke to Laura

>yeah?

>I’m proud of you

>how’d that go?

<we both cried

<a lot

<and I ended up falling asleep on her couch

>look at you, opening up and shit.

>think I might cry now

<shut up

>literally never

>better men have tried and failed to silence me

2:40 PM Laura

>Want to see a movie on Friday?

<sure

One night Stiles calls Derek just to say his name in stupid ways, and laugh himself stupid after each one.

“Duhreek.”

“Doreck.”

“Fuck. I’m getting a stitch from laughing.”

“You’re so fucking dumb.” Derek is smiling as he said it.

“Deeruk.” Stiles wheezes out.

Derek just closes hie eyes and listens.

“I’m so fucking glad I know you, Stiles.” The words fall out of Derek’s mouth without much thought.

He only realises the weight of his words when Stile’s laughter pulls to a stop.

“I uh-” Stiles stammered. “Me too. Fuck. You’re the best thing to happen to me in…so fucking long. I’m glad I know you too Derek.”

Derek finally admits to himself that night that he’d fallen at least a little in love with the stranger from the unknown number.

He keeps trying to draw Stiles, but he can’t. Vague shapes just don’t cut it anymore.

He wants to map Stiles out with his eyes and translate it onto the page.

He wants to be able to see the smile behind the laughter.

He wants.

1:58 AM Bad Poet

>do you think you day we’ll actually meet?

>maybe not intentionally

>maybe one day we’d pass each other in the streets and not even know

>maybe we already have

Derek couldn’t imagine a scenario where he wouldn’t notice Stiles.

<is there ever a moment when you’re not talking?

<I think id recognise your voice and know it was you

>maybe your face would make me speechless ;)

<I think id still know

<but if you want to be sure… I could send you a picture?

<of me

>dkfajd

>for reals?

>you would do that?

>you?

<well…not for free

>there’s always a catch

>what do you want?

>my soul?

>a blood debt?

>you can have whatever it is

<I meant you’d have to send me a picture too

<geez stiles

The next text takes an unnervingly long time to come through.

>I could do that

>a photo for a photo

>I kind of look like shit rn

>so no judging me

Derek spends the next two minutes fussing and fidgeting to take a good photo. No matter what angle he took it from the bags under his eyes were noticeable, and so was the week’s worth of stubble he had yet to shave off.

And maybe this was a terrible, awful, idea.

But Derek would send one hundred bad pictures if it meant getting to see one of Stiles.

He forced himself to press send on the last picture he took.

As he pressed send another photo came in.

Derek’s fingers shook as he hit the button to download the image.

His heart stopped.

Stiles was beautiful in every sense of the word, and Derek found himself unable to look away. Even when he heard the small dings of incoming messages.

But he couldn’t ignore them for long, because it was Stiles. And when ever Stiles messaged Derek had to answer.

>Fucking hell

>are you for real?

>you gave me a heart attack

>am I being catfished right now?

>when do you think you were going to tell me you’re the most fucking beautiful man to exist ever?

>how the hell to you look like that as 2AM!?

>Derek

>oh my god

>you gotta respond my dude because I’m freaking out a little bit

>still there?

>did my selfie scare you away?

>I would have tried harder for a nice photo if I knew I was talking to an adonis

>Derek?

<still here

>of thank fuck

>so…

<so?

>come on

>your going to give me a complex

>the selfie…was it okay?

>I know it’s not much

>but we can’t all be greek gods

<its beautiful

<you’re beautiful, stiles

>oh

>thanks

Derek is so far gone that he makes the picture of Stiles the home screen on his phone.

9:49 AM Bad Poet

<Laura wants me to meet her boyfriend

<this is all your fault

>how is this my fault?

<because she never wanted to introduce us before

<and then you got me to talk to my sister

<and now she wants me to meet him

>…and this is a bad thing?

<yes

>because?

<I don’t make good first impressions

<it’s going to be awkward

>yeah probably

<you’re not helpful

>I wasn’t trying to be ;)

>have fun, Derek!

Meeting Laura’s boyfriend wasn’t as awkward as Derek thought it was going to be. But it was strange.

Derek hadn’t been expecting to meet someone so soft and kind. He was nothing like any one that Laura had dated before.

But he also wasn’t used to seeing Laura smile as much as she did around him.

Maybe not all change was bad.

Derek tells Laura about Stiles by accident. Or more accurately he mentions Stiles once by accident (not even by name) and Laura had badgered him until he admitted that he had made a friend through a wrong number.

“There’s a lot of weirdos out there.”

“I know.”

God did Derek ever know.

But Stiles is different.

“Just…be careful.”

“I am being. I promise.”

Laura reluctantly lets it go after that. “So…what’s he like?”

“He’s…he’s like bad poetry.”

“Oh god. You’re in love with him aren’t you?”

Derek can’t bring himself to deny it, but he does tell Laura to shut up.

Derek fully embraces being in love with Stiles on the day he tells Stiles about his drawings. He’d never told anyone about them before - not even Laura. But telling Stiles had been easy.

‘It reminds me of line art’ Stiles had said when Derek had sent him a photo of the doodle he had been working on. “I love it’.

A warmth flutters through Derek’s veins.

It all goes sideways on the day Laura goes on Derek’s phone to check the time.

She’d raised one eyebrow at him looking amused.

“I thought you didn’t listen to music?” She said, a teasing note to her voice.

“I don’t.” Derek shrugged.

“A huh. So why do you have a picture of Stiles Stilinski as your wallpaper?” She asks.

It’s so startling to hear Stiles name coming out of Laura’s mouth that Derek’s brain refuses to function properly. “How do you know Stiles?” He asks weakly.

Laura laughs. “He’s not exactly a niche celebrity Der. He was a really famous YouTuber before he started selling albums.”

Derek doesn’t know what to say to that. He blinks as his world slowly unravels before him.

No.

She had to be wrong, because Derek couldn’t be in love with a celebrity. Stiles couldn’t be…

“Hey are you okay? You look really sick?”

“He’s famous?” His throat is dry.

“Yes? Are you okay? What’s wrong? You’ve got to speak to me Der. Use your words.”

Derek just shakes his head because he can’t.

“It’s him.” He manages to get out.

“What are you talking about?”

“Laura. It’s him.”

It takes a moment to click but Derek knows when it does because a look of thunderous wrath takes over Laura’s face.

“I’ll kill him.” She seethes, shaking with anger. “What kind of fucking punk thinks that this is a good prank to play?”

“What?”

“No one is getting away with catfishing you, Der. I’m going to hunt this fucker down, and then I’ll rip him so many new ones that he going to look like SpongeBob when I’m done with him.”

And god, Derek hadn’t even considered the thought that Stiles might not even be Stiles. The thought of Stiles being a liar…

The gape in his heart grows a little bit bigger.

And it all falls apart.

It takes hours before Derek can convince himself to confront Stiles.

11:08 PM Bad Poet

<you’re stiles stilinki

>fuck

(And yeah, it was really him).

>how did you find out?

<Laura

>I was going to tell you

<Were you?

>Yes

>I’ve wanted to for ages

>It just never felt like the right time to bring it up

<I wish you had decided on the right time was sooner

>Me too

>I’m sorry

>Please don’t hate me

Derek did not think it was possible for him to hate any part of Stiles.

<I don’t

>Thank fuck

>seriously

>can I call you?

<sure

Derek closed his eyes after sending the text and waited for Stiles to ring. A heartbeat later his ringtone sounded off.

“Hey.”

“You believe me right?” And Stiles sounds more frantic than Derek had ever heard him before.

“I believe you, Stiles.”

“Are you sure, because I can prove it if you want? I can do a video call? Or I can tweet literally anythi-”

“Stiles.”

“Yeah?”

“You don’t have to prove anything to me.”

Stiles lets out a small whine, that reaches through the phone line and yanks at Derek’s already tattered heart, unraveling him just a little more.

“Meet me.” Stiles said, taking Derek by surprise.

“What?”

“Please. I meant to throw a please in there, I’m just really fucking nervous right now. Meet me please. In real life. I uh- I was going to ask when I finally told you about the whole being a celebrity thing. It’s still weird to say that out loud. That’s part of why it was so hard to tell you. But the point was you beat me to the punch with the whole reveal thing, but I still wanted to ask.”

“Stiles…”

“And it’s not that I was trying to use my influence or fame to pressure you into meeting me. I just wanted to be in a space where we were one hundred per cent honest with one another before I asked you. You can still say no. Of course you can, I don’t know why I’m- my point is I hope you don’t say no.”

Derek feels his heart break in two.

“Stiles…I can’t.”

“Oh.”

He hadn’t fully realised just how many worlds apart the two of them were when he had fallen in love with Stiles. It felt even more impossible than it had before.

“I’m sorry.” The words leave him feeling hollow.

“No. Don’t apologise. This is just me getting carried away. It’s okay.”

I love you. The words never leave Derek. They can’t leave him.

There was no way this could work, and he was far too scared of breaking the tentative connection they had with his useless words.

It was better for him to just… fall out of love.

6:17AM Laura

<it’s really him

>are you sure

<I’m sure

>what are you going to do?

<nothing

>Derek you’re in love with him

<I’m aware

<it doesn’t matter

<it wouldn’t ever work

>I’m sorry

<don’t be

<I’m going to be fine

>Im coming over with wine

That night Derek fills pages and pages of his notebook with drawings of Stiles.

When he gets a message from Stiles at 11PM- for the first time since they started messaging- Derek leaves it unopened.

He never ignores a message again after that, and life moves on. Stiles still messages him all the time, but he never asks to call anymore.

Derek misses his voice so much that he goes onto youtube and listens to his music.

He buys all three albums Stiles released and it still doesn’t feel like enough.

He fills an entire notebook with doodles of Stiles.

It’s still not enough.

1:11 PM Bad Poet

>I wrote you a song

>I know you don’t listen to music

>but it felt weird to not a least send you a link

>bad poetry at 2:00am

The link leads Derek to a youtube video of Stiles holding a ukulele and staring with a soft smile at the camera.

“Hey guys. It’s been a while, huh? But I guess I finally found inspiration. So here we go.”

The song is beautiful, but even more beautiful than that was Stiles.

When the song reached the end Derek doesn’t hesitate to hit replay.

He listens to the song ten times before he realises he’s crying - and he knows that he’s never going to ‘get over’ Stiles because he doesn’t want to.

3:00 PM Laura

>have you seen the video?

<he sent me a link

<he wrote a song for me Laura

<I love him so fucking much and he wrote a song for me

>fuck

<what do I do?

>what do you want to do?

<I don’t know

>I think you should look at his twitter

>I wasn’t going to say anything because you said you wanted to get over him

>but I think you need to see it

>@stilesstilinki

@stilesstilinski

I want to hug him

@stilesstilinski

Get you a guy that will stay up with you until 4AM talking about literally anything

@stilesstilinski

Why do I alway fall for people so far out of my league? rip me I guess.

@stilesstilinski

He makes me want to write poetry

Derek spends hours scrolling through Stiles’ twitter.

He scrolls far enough back that he gets to the part of his timeline where his twitter is littered with pictures of Lydia, which causes the ache in Derek’s chest to grow. But he can’t stop looking because Stiles looks so happy.

And Derek falls impossibly more in love.

He lets himself acknowledge for the first time that Stiles might love him back.

And everything else?

It’s worth it.

Because Stiles is worth everything to Derek.

2:00 AM Bad Poet

<so I looked at your twitter

>fuck.

>how much did you see?

<all of it

>tight

>please excuse me while I go die now

>bye

<don’t leave yet

<I had something I wanted to ask you

>did you want me to delete the tweets?

>I can do that

>I’ll just delete the whole account

>I am my own worst enemy so this won’t be a problem

>actually Jackson Whittemore is my worst enemy

>but I’m a close second

<stiles?

>yup?

<Will you go on a date with me?

>alkdjf

>yes?

>Ofc yes?

>are you being serious?

>because this would be a cruel prank if you’re not serious

<I’m serious

>yes.

>yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes.

>holy shit

>theres no fucking universe where I say ‘no’ to that question from you

>im so fucking in love with you

>is it too soon to say that?

>I don’t even care

>I’m speaking my truth

>you obviously don’t have to say it back

>im going to woo you so hard Derek

>you’ll have to love me back eventually

>I’m going to write you poetry

>hell I’ll even read poetry for you

>ill give the whole fucking moon to you

<why would I want the moon?

<im not gru?

>despicable me

>that was a despicable me reference.

>you don’t listen to music, but you watch despicable me?

>you’re such an enigma to me Derek

>god I love you so much

<stiles?

>too much?

<no

<I don’t think I could ever have too much of you

<I love you too stiles

<so much

<I just don’t want you to get your hopes up

<I might not be able to live up to it in real life

>impossible

<seriously stiles

>I am being serious

>I’m already in love with you Der

>you don’t have to do anything more than you’ve already done

>you could wear a potato sack, and spend the whole night not saying anything at all

>and I would still be in love with you

>all you have to do now is show up

<…I can do that

>perfect

TWO YEARS LATER

@stilesstilinski

Hey @JacksonWhittemore, remember when you told me I would die alone? Well I just got engaged to the love of my life. So checkmate fucker.

#sterek #eternal sterek #what am i even doing?#i just spent the last two days writing this and banging my head against the wall and nothing else #should i write this into a full fic one day?#i probably wont #hope you guys enjoy #sterek drabble #5k words of them being idiots #i cut so much out how is this still 5k?#stiles stilinki #derek hale #laura is the only other character that makes an appearance #im supposed to be sleeping #but here we are ig #texting #wrong number #celebrity stiles

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toziers · 5 years ago

Note

can you explain what's going on right now? i keep seeing big IT blogs talking about some discourse or something but i have no idea what they're talking about other than it involves you lol

alright i like. i truly do not like having diScOurSE out in public because i’m not one to air out my dirty laundry 24/7 but seeing as how it was brought into public against my will i feel like the least i can do is clear up the situation for those who’ve been seeing the posts.

i’m putting this under the cut bc it’s long. tws for some biphobia, brief mention of transphobia and, at the end, a rape mention.

so if you don’t know: hi, i’m migz, i’m an it fandom blogger. its okay, i know, its really cool. part of my shtick here is that i like to turn normal thirst tags into works of art for the sake of comedy. perhaps you’ve seen some of my highlights from my “fhg” tag - perhaps your brain has been spared. either way, it became kind of “my thing” around the third or fourth week (mid nov) of me having this blog. at first, i tagged just about every ask i got mentioning the thirst tags with “bill hader” - they had to do with him, so why not tag him? it would draw more like minded people! about two days into that i got a message asking me to tag my nsfw. i am a big dumb idiot, and apologize for not initially doing it. i havent had a following bigger than like 10 in several years and completely spaced on basic etiquette. so by the end of november i was tagging everything applicable with “notsfw” and “bill hader”.

now you’re caught up.

on december 1st i got this message from user billhaderanti:

now i want to start by saying i absolutely was in the wrong here. i didn’t even think about how many people were being subjected to the asks i was getting - especially ones who had no idea they were all jokes. i don’t track the bill hader tag, so it just didn’t even occur to me - that’s ignorance on my part, and to anyone who was subjected to the terrors of me before my tagging system: i am genuinely sorry. i relay the same sentiment in my response, though you can tell i’m on edge.

and they replied:

clearly they Were offended by it but thats.. not the point. at this point, im feeling Really weird about the whole interaction, but still understanding, because again - i GET it. i know my posts are gross - that’s the point. it doesn’t make it excusable, though, which is why i understand why people are offended. so i responded with the only solution i Knew would keep us both safe and happy posting on our own blogs.

so i thought this would be the end of things! i’d been pretty anxious lately already since i’d started to receive anons telling me i was gross and whore-ish for thirst posting in this way (i delete all of those, so if ur thinking about sending one, i guess no one’s stopping you but it won’t be seeing the light of the dashboard). i’m unsure if it was immediately or a few hours later, seeing as how i have a bad concept of time and the post-dates are right on the edge between nov 30 and dec 1, but i went to their blog - because anyone who has been on the internet knows the opportunity to vague post is near irresistible. and...what do ya know

fair! it’s their blog. however i am an emotionally fragile egg girl and immediately got freaked out. the odds that they were the only one who thought this were low. and, again, i’ve been very open on my blog about how important it is to respect boundaries; my posts are absolutely prone to breaking those boundaries people have created for themselves.

so i made my own, semi-vague post, letting my following know (and i’m pretty sure i’d answered asks about it before, but this is going to be long enough w/o me searching those up too) that i understood if they wanted to block me or unfollow or whatever - people need to create their own safe spaces. the tension is pretty clear in the tags, i’m not trying to hide that. i felt that the way this woman slid into my dm’s was pretty abrasive (just my opinion/how it made me personally feel) and i let myself be a lil emotional about it in the tags of my post.

alright! maybe this is the end. maybe we both go our separate ways and post happily on our own blogs... except it’s not the end. later in the day (some of this was happening like 1/2am, so now its Day day, i believe - again, not good w time passage lol)

clearly, i’m upset. my groupchat double checked that i didn’t get too emotional in my response - did i mention im anxious about discourse lol - and apparently.. it did the trick. she didn’t message me again. great. it was over.

at this point, i decided i needed to make an even bigger change. so a few days after i’d calmed down i created an entirely new tag for my thirst posts so if people hadn’t already hidden the notsfw posts or just blocked me outright, they’d have a third option to escape the madness. at this point, id had my blog about 6? weeks, but there were still 2k posts for me to sift through - some of them were completely untagged. i also had to do it post by post, because one of xkits features - the mass re-tagger - was getting blogs deleted for some reason, and i wasn’t going to do that. so i spent a few days going through all 2k+ posts, adding the “fhg” tag.

YEEHAW! a brand new tagging system, no more hopping into the bill hader tag (minus one or two really funny, not super explicit asks, like the bill hader farquaad meme), and, tbf, i’d completely put this woman out of my mind. i don’t seek out drama and do my best to stay in my lane. yesterday, i checked my activity for the first time in awhile since id put out a couple new original posts that had started to get traction and i Love reading tags. i noticed a mutual had @’d me, and realized i havent checked my @’s in...ever, maybe. i see a post from my good pal billhaderanti.

since i dont follow them and never check my @’s, i’d completely missed it. however, once i did see it, i was horrified. id gone through all that fucking work to keep my blog My Blog and also respect everyone’s boundaries and it still hadn’t been enough. i’d been awake for almost 24 hours and went. a little crazy. and i didn’t reply immediately because i just had no words. i sent it to my friends because i... i just wasn’t going to be able to figure it out myself.

there’s a lot to unpack in this post alone, but whatever, i’m gonna put my own grievances with the immaturity of 1. making a callout post to begin with when i’d been nothing but civil 2. making a callout post about something as (in the grand scheme of Life) minor as some tags where i refer to a someone’s genitals as a “whack pack” and 3. making a callout post in such a rude way - aside. at the end, she calls me (and whoever else!) a demonic mlw (man loving woman, we assumed, and then later confirmed with a post further back on her blog).

which - yeah, we started scrolling. at first we were looking for more vague blogs, and then we just...started finding things. billhaderanti is a self proclaimed lesbian separatist, which... fine. but it’s already pretty clear that this woman hates me on some level simply because i am a bi woman (demonic mlw, remember!) which is just. damn man i can’t believe we are still fighting the biphobic fight lol. so the more we scrolled, the more we uncovered - and not just the biphobic / vaguely mtf transphobic things they posted (or put in tags), but we also found that they had their OWN thirst tags. certainly not as hyperbolically comedic as mine, but they were there, talking about his body and his person the same (and, frankly, a bit creepier for other reasons) as mine.

there’s one post in particular that snatched my wig in it’s creepiness - and i say creepiness in the sense that it feels personal. like this woman feels like she knows bill to some degree where she can say these things. my tags have always had a sense of distance, as they’re written for humor. and maybe this particular post was written for comedic purposes, but it doesn’t read that way, and if it WAS, then she has no right to call ME out for MY comic tags and posts.

i’ll let it speak for itself, mostly because i don’t want to read it again.

i also won’t be going through her blog again to find the posts with biphobic and other Interesting:tm: tags because there are plenty and i just really! want to be done with the whole ordeal! her blog is public and i’m sure you can all find it and look to your heart’s content.

feeling a bit feral and a bit pissed off now that we knew the depth of how rotten this woman’s vibes were, a couple of my pals made a post or two similar to what my tag’s are like except turned up to eleven (if possible) - and tagged them with��“bill hader” (and notsfw!!). yes, a bit childish, but at this point, the entire situation was childish, and making jokes was truly the only way we were going to get through it. another vague post went up on her blog soon after.

talking down to us, calling us children, and then for whatever reason calling us virgins... whatever, weird post. around this time most of us (est) went to bed, because it was nearing 3 or 4 in the morning.

and then today happened. i woke up fresh and ready for the day after a wonderful 4 hours of sleep and found that jane had made an incredibly intelligent post in response to the situation. i won’t ss it, but i’ll LINK in case you missed it. attached there in the reblog is my own response. i think they can speak for themselves.

after that, things were kind of jumbled, since i wasn’t online a lot and when i was i was Not checking my activity simply because i was afraid of what i’d see. for the most part, it ended up just being support (which i am very grateful to all of you for - it means a lot that you all enjoy my content to any degree).

there was some more vague posting from both “““““sides”””””” of the “““““argument”””””” - mostly just people restating the fact that this is a public space and we should All be aware of how we effect others. i still hadn’t heard directly from billhaderanti, so i assumed we’d all be dropping and disengaging and moving on. i still wasn’t blocked, though, so who really knew what would happen.

eventually, it culminated in this last post. tw for mentions of rape

i’m going to start by saying that

1. there are nearly no teenagers that were involved in this. im turning 23 in january and most of my friends are 20+. maybe one or two are 19.

2. none of us sent any sexually violent asks - most of us didn’t send asks at all. i believe one or two of my friends admitted to sending asks however they assured me their nature wasn’t bad; as far as i know, everyone remained civil in whatever went on (again, unclear to me as to what was being sent; no one was actively posting or talking about it. if billhaderanti wishes to elaborate, they can, but i don’t have anything to put in).

3. before i finish this, i would like to apologize to billhaderanti. as a comedian - not just my stupid tags, i mean in real life, too - i know that humor can hurt. it’s not always funny, it’s not just stupid hahas. sometimes things that are supposed to be jokes just hit people differently and cause bad things. i recognize that. i never meant to trigger you (if you’re reading this) or cause you any severe mental/emotional harm. i apologize for my humor bringing up your trauma, and i never meant for that. regardless of my own thoughts and opinions about the nature of my posts/the thirst tags themselves, they hurt you, and i’m sorry.

anyway, i’m going to wrap this up (i’m bad at endings, what can i say! steven king and i took the same writer’s class!). if you read all this... sorry. i probably won’t be taking any asks about it, because i find the whole “drama” of this to be stupid and rooted in some seriously biphobic issues this fully grown woman has.

tldr; i attempted to contain my blog so this woman could exist and function safely on her blog, but it wasn’t enough for her, so she called me out, and then some of the fandom called Her out for being biphobic and mean and overall just immature about the situation. as of now, she’s yet to block me, though her and her wife have blocked a few of my friends. her wife continues to clown on my friends. this post was made for clarity’s sake. the end, i’m getting a drink.

#discourse #biphobia tw #transphobia tw #rape tw #ok goodbye im done with this im back to #only posting gay clown movie #Anonymous

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heads-in-the-clouds-spacecadet · 4 years ago

Text

When asked to write a daily diary for anxiety management.

Here are a few days example....

Sunday 24th

Mood/anxiety = numb.

Additional meds =8mg of diazipam.

My whole body aches yet it shouldn't. My stomach is growling yet i feel physically sick.

Things i ask myself....

Q.1 Will i leave my safe space, weighted blanket & mountain of pillows?

A.1 NO.

Q.2 Will i manage my yoga routine

A.2 NO

Reasons....Why

I feel exhausted even though ive not been outside since Thursday. I just want the aching to subside the pain to leave. My jaw is clenched closed making eating an ordeal. I know this needs to be done.

The dread of what passive aggressive message/s ill receive today either in person or written either way im struggling to motivate myself to move.

The Internet has been blocked for nearly a wk now. But i just let it slide as the saying goes choose your arguements "wifi is not the hill i want to die on" quote from TBBT. I hear Luke (my brother) is now in his bedroom and his door is closed. He has been banging around the house sending passive aggressive messages (sms) since 4am. My belongings that i left downstairs were thrown into my room. I'm nervous to leave my room till i know he is asleep.

Flashback/negative thoughts....

1. How can my baby brother be an emotional manipulator.

2. Last time i had to justify my everymove i was in Portugal in a very bad relationship.

*****Ways im looking to excuse his behaviour. Find the cause to my sudden crash of low mood aka depression with a nice battle of anxiety.

---Logically i know its not the same.

---Emotionally it hurts the same.

The way he looks at me with disgust, resentment & impatience is the trigger. I realise this. How someone you love can make you feel this way.

Solution: i decide to find a solution to the sudden conflict of money and i know there is a receipt in the car. I go to the normal place the keys are kept and theyre no where to be found. I look in all the obvious logical places they could be and realise theyre hidden by my loving brother. His Reasons, 1-to stop me buying shit (his words). 2. He has decided its his house, his car so therefore his rules. (Its all my mums btw)

As im downstairs i notice the kitchen is a mess. Pots all over from a feast Luke cooked up the night before. Or should i say 2am.

So i feel defeated. Ive basically been cleaning non stop everytime i use a room as per gov guidelines and he just doesnt seem to comprehend the severity of the situation.

I decide i need to eat. So i opt for Shreddies with Oat Milk (Luke has a serious milk allergy to the milk proteins in cows milk so im not fussed about milk and am happy to use alternatives) topped with vanilla soya yogurt, bannana, a few cranberries, 3 strawberries, sultanas and crushed Almonds. My logical brain is telling me eat well as we are not leaving the bedroom again unless desperate.

I send a few messages to the family whats app (Luke refuses to be a part of this) and receive encouraging and support in return. Everyone is struggling in their own way so i appreciate having a small outlet between us all.

After food i sleep finally.

Trying now to Ready myself for round 2 which i know is coming.

My mum calls i dont want to answer but i do. I explain the situation. She knows, she has dealt with his angry behaviour since he was 11yrs old. She stated she is coming to visit Tuesday as per new gov guidelines and we will meet in the park. She then asks me to pass the phone to Luke which i pointblank refuse. Im not ready for round 2 yet. Especially since he has his own phone he is just not answering making everyone worry about him but he just resents it. Its safe to say im proud i refused to do something. Gold star award ⭐

Monday 25th

Mood/Anxiety - still no change from yesterday but i decide i have to force myself to move. Wash, clean and pack the additional things my mum has requested.

Additional meds - i decided against taking anything today as i need to be clear headed for my appointment Tues and obvs my mums visit.

I check the weather see its a nice day decide washing is task 1. I set a bath running (multi tasking saving time from all the free time) and head downstairs to pop the washing machine on. Before i left my room i checked my phone for messages i have one from my mum telling me she has had words with Luke and that he needs to basically deal with the resentment in a more positive way.

This explains all the banging and loud music yesterday early eve. He decided to actually clean.

Anyhow I head downstairs. Kitchen is clean, messages all wiped from the black board.

I decide i must try and communicate with Luke as we cant take the conflict with us to the park it isnt fair to our mum.

I can hear him moving so send a sms message asking if he wants anything in the oven. No response. ***He did finally get out of bed at 3pm so a peaceful day so far.

I decide food is required. I opt for protein soya burgers x2 with Spinach, tomatos, avacado, sultanas, almond pieces and some crumpets. I sit in the garden to eat.

All washing is out and drying but im to anxiety ridden and unmotivated to enjoy the sunshine.

I head back to my room to sort bits for my mum and throw away my origami collection. It was over taking my room and again causing conflict.

Lukes awake!!!. I decide to say hello. So far so good. He decides to make himself lunch and throws a fit because i ate a £0.45 avocado. I walk away as i know he is just venting and i need to not start the circle of negative thoughts or interactions. This is rewarded with resentment. Luke suddenly decides to do his own washing and cut the grass. Which means my washing is in his way. Before he even starts i am pulling in whats dry mainly because i want to go back to bed and need my bedsheets but also because he wont care if my washing turns green or is damaged. To my delight my sheets are dry but my pjs etc need another 30mins so i leave them whilst i go and make my bed.

Im bellowed at about washing as Luke needs the line. So i head down stairs to reteive the rest of my belongings.

Self soothing thoughts...

Im walking on eggshells trying not to provoke the beast and i need to keep going. Focus on my achievements. I left my room. I cleaned myself, my clothing and my pillow fort which has been my safe zone for the past 4days.

Deep down thought i am disappointed as i know isolation and distancing is not a long turn solution as the yrs pass im becoming more and more isolated and lonely.

Im downstairs again and i ask Luke if he wants anything popping in the oven as i was having toast. He requested 2 burgers and chips but on seperate trays as he was hungry. Easy to do popped into the oven. 40mins later chips are cooked he is plating up and all he says is "why have you cooked so many chips, clearly we now live in a household of wastefulness".

This was the turning point for me id had enough for 1day and just told him to give it a rest and went to my room.

Im dozing with Big Bang on in the backround and Luke is banging on my door. Mums on the phone. Confirming arrangements for tomorrow. I say a few oks with the occasional nod.

I start packing the bits n bobs my mum has asked for and carry then downstairs so theyre ready for the car tomorrow am.

Its PJs and bed time. Luke has other ideas. He is awake and up and about at 4.30am. Having a bath at 5am, doing weights after his bath at 6am then leaves in the car at 7am. He is back around 8am banging has a shower then decides to leave again in the car. He is meant to be house-bound until July 1st. This in itself causes me anxiety as i cant handle watching another member of my family die in front of my eyes.

Thoughts...

Yes this is VERY dramatic. STOP IT BRAIN!

Take precautions all will be ok.

Tuesday 26th

Mood/Anxiety = No change

Additional meds = 4mg diazipam but late afternoon as i couldnt stop shaking and fidgeting.

My mum is coming to visit. Im trying not to think about the fact Luke is out of the house.

We are having a picnic social distancing style.

We head to the coop as Luke has decided even after knowing our mum all his life never be on time, we have to be early. I buy Costa coffee, fresh bread, hummus, bananas, diet coke and some biscuits the nature valley ones theyre really good. Luke doesnt go into the shop I think at least he is listening to some rules. He rolls his eyes as i spray the shopping with dettol spray and use the alcohol hand sanitizer for my hands and door handle etc. I just tell him its how it needs to be done.

We find a perfect parking spot under a bunch of trees. I notice that all the trees are trimmed in a very even shelf across the bottom. It looked like it was designed perfectly for people to walk straight onto the park from the car park without having to fight with tree branches or go around. But in actual fact its the deer. They eat the lower leaves this made me smile and relax for a moment. WIN.

My mum is late so im nervous that she is

1. Stuck somewhere (over reaction)

2. Lost (over reaction)

3. Just running late (normal reaction)

Im a tad fidgety as im aware i have an appointment in 2hrs. Hurry up MOTHER...

I ponder about work and whether or not ill still have a job to return too. Had an email this am stating theyre cutting 200jobs from the team i work in. So not sure if thats a good thing or not. But its also increasing my anxiety as ive read the email and now have a burning desire to do the research to see what my probability of keeping my job will be. Before my brain can go on a major tangent my mum arrives.

Shes brought Oscar (her poodle) he is so excited to see me. And the big hairy fluff ball gave me the biggest snuggles. He has a major Covid hairdoo. My mum doesnt hug me which hurts but i know she cant.

Picnic time. We sit in the middle.of a field away from everyone. Social distancing 10/10. My mum has made me my favourite cakes, rock buns. (Apparently these are a northern thing) but im feeling the love. Its fairly chilled only 1 disagreement with Luke over blinkin avocados.

Im clock checking and aware of impending appointment, im a little (understated) nervous because ive not had positive relationships with therapists or doctors in the past.

#mental health #lost #hurting #help #self reflection #finelinebetweenloveandhate #still breathing #GAD #recovery #survivor

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officialheroesofolympus · 5 years ago

Note

hiya! if you can could you write about morgan and the avengers after the funeral scene in endgame? ive been trying to find something like that but i havent been able to so i thought id ask you thanks!

Hope you like it! I wrote it at 2am in the morning, realised I should sleep and ended up rushing it a bit to be able to make it for Tony Stark’s birthday, so I’m really sorry if it turns out like shit :( I sprinkled in some angst for you and thanks for the support!! And, Happy Birthday to Tony Stark!! :D

When the sun starts to settle at the horizon, yellow rays blending into the blue of the water, people start heading into the lake house. It’s crowded and after a few drinks, the sombre mood brightens just a smidge as everyone starts to exchange their favourite stories of Tony and Natasha.

“Remember that time Tony rented out an entire amusement park and called for an ‘emergency meeting’?” A smattering of laughter fills the room, soft smiles stretching across everyone’s faces as they reminisce of easier, happier times. “At first, Nat was so not amused but she ended up having the most fun out of all of us,”

Beneath the smiles, mournful looks flicker across the eyes in the room, all hearts yearning for the two team, basically, family, members they’d lost. Silence settles over them once again as they recall the ghosts’ grins; the genuine one Tony used away from the press and the paparazzi, where the corners of his eyes would crinkle, and Natasha’s vulnerable one, that had her lips pressed together and its sides raised towards the skies.

Suddenly, a tiny voice cuts through the air of silence; small but with confidence that drew the attention of all that heard it. “Daddy said he loved all of you,” Turning towards the direction of the sound, all eyes laid upon the tiniest figure cloaked by the shadows cast across the staircase. Hearts clenched as everyone watched Morgan Stark move into the dimmed yellow lighting, an adorably sleepy look scrunched up on her face whilst she rubbed her fist tiredly against her eyes.

With ‘Stark Industries’ labelled on her oversized socks, Morgan padded towards Pepper, oblivious of the stares on her while being scooped up by her mother’s arms and into her lap. “Aunt Nat too! Whenever she came over, she sometimes stayed until the moon went into the sky and listened to Daddy tell me stories about everybody here,” She twiddled with her thumbs, a sudden grin splitting onto her face the moment she mentioned Natasha.

“They said you were all morons, big ones,” Chuckles echoed throughout the gathered circle but died down immediately once everyone heard the next words out of Morgan’s mouth. “But even though you were all loud and annoying, they said they loved all of you, their crazy family.”

As Morgan tucked her head into Pepper’s stomach, small arms trying their best to curl all around her mother’s waist, she remained unaware of the synchronised sounds of tiny gasps being sucked in and the muffled chokes, along with the sight of several hands grabbing for the ones next to theirs to grasp onto, struck by the weight of her words.

Someone must’ve let out a rather loud sound as Morgan was suddenly drawn out from the comfort of Pepper’s hug, her intelligent eyes flittering across the room as they stopped on James. Wiggling out of Pepper’s grasp, she hopped off the couch and bounded towards the man with his head in his hands, jumping into his arms once he moved them away from his face.

“When Daddy was teaching me how important it was to have friends, he told me to find a friend as good as you, Uncle Rhodey. He said you were ‘the shit’ and his bestest friend too!” Shaking his head, James let out a trembling laugh, smoothing down Morgan’s hair while his bright downcast eyes met her curious ones. Smile dying down, Morgan looked concerned as she asked, “Why are you sad, Uncle Rhodey?”

“I just miss him and Aunt Nat, is all,”

“I do too, but just because they aren’t here here right now, doesn’t mean we can’t see them. That’s what memories are for, right? That way when I shut my eyes real tight, I remember Daddy’s and Aunt Nat’s faces and boom! I can see them, easy peasy.”

Once again, Morgan was met by awed silence and again, she continued to be ignorant of it, sliding off Rhodey’s lap and hurling herself towards Pepper, making grabbing motions with her raised hands before being picked up into the air. “’M tired, Mummy,” To prove this, she let out a loud yawn, over exaggeratingly forming a large ‘O’ before squishing her face against her mother’s shoulder.

“I know, sweetie. I’ll bring you up, okay?” Pepper whispers, rubbing circles on her daughter’s back and heading towards the staircase. “Goodnight, morons!” Morgan bids cheerfully, either fully oblivious to the meaning of the word or pretending to, but in any case, leaving everybody in the room laughing wistfully, her personality reminding them strikingly of Tony’s own.

Watching the pair climb up the stairs, disappearing into the shadows of the night, Steve’s voice suddenly reverberated around the room, commanding and filled with adoration as he states, “We let nothing bad happen to them. Protect them at all costs,”

Choruses of agreement echo around, all in favour, even from the ones that barely knew Tony Stark. If Tony managed to raise Morgan so amazingly thus far, it didn’t matter how anyone initially felt about him. Seeing and hearing his daughter convinced everyone well enough that he was more than what they thought; he was more than just a genius or a billionaire or a playboy or a philanthropist, he was a hero, a father, and a good man, and they’d be damned sure to protect everything and everyone he had to sacrifice and leave without.

They were his family, and he was theirs.

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somehelplesssoul-ithink · 6 years ago

Text

my 3am thoughts completely spilled out

well, its 2am and my boyfriend is sound asleep beside me. Isnt that exactly what us girls want? someone who treats you well and loves you literally sleeping like an angel right beside you?...-yes right? then why arnt i happy. ive been doing my own thing on my laptop for hours just trying to stay away because everything is frustrating me right now. hes a grown man but i dont feel like im dating one still. i love him with all my heart and hes so incredibly special to me but.. man i havent been myself at all recently. its like i can feel my body going through changes, my emotions changing, my reactions are different and i dont know why. i should be happy with no doubt in the world hes the one ... but i dont know how many more chances i should give him before i lose myself. or did that already happen?

im starting to worry about all the negative things ive heard, although we all have our haters right? but its soo weird, ive been having these visions into the future and all i see is myself looking deep into his eyes and holding back tears asking him how could he do this? but i dont get any farther then that and i dont know what this is really about but i have a very, very strong feeling im gonna get hurt. bad. he has my heart in his hands right now, but how do i trust someone i barely know? he has done absolutely nothing wrong but be himself and man, do i admire that and fall deeper everyday. looking at him get ready in the morning is breath taking and i definitely didnt have this feeling with my ex and i REALLY thought he was the one. so maybe this one is really something special

my mom always told me, and still does to this day that im going to go through 100,000 heart breaks before i truly found the one. Now at first i was very skeptical because my first boyfriend bradley was truly remarkable and i thought i was going to marry him, unfortunately i left him for personal reasons. then brandon came along... and he was very life changing. i spent years with him and felt things i never have before he was so different from my last relationship i thought i should try and hold onto this one forever, and yes i mean forever. well that recently changed and now im with my current one. so is it even worth it trying this young? because we clearly want different things right now. i just turned legal, i wanna party and be care free and he is 5 years older then me, totally finished his party stage and who is struggling to survive, he cant take care of himself and ive realized that fast. but im here now literally changing my life for someone elses sake.

that was my doubting coming out, it happens. but should it? i dont know anymore i love my boyfriend so much. it hurts not seeing him. yet, when im with him i get so upset. im so confused and frustrated i really need answers, although i already know what im gonna do. no matter what i have to stay with him and help him walk alittle longer, he deserves a fair chance.. we all do and i wanna be the one to take care of him in his hardest times. but theres only so long i can do it for too. i always took care of myself and did whats best for me but its different now, i dont do that much anymore. i do whats best for US and i want this relationship to succeed more then i want anything else in this entire world. im not kidding when i say hes special, im honestly shocked even now, thinking how in the world did i score this one. i forgot to mention HES BEAUTIFUL .. like the most sexiest sweetest men ive ever met. hes incredible... our bond and connection is whats really remarkable though, we are so alike maybe thats why he frustrates me so often.

i love him so much its hard to control myself sometimes. i just dont feel like i can talk to him about anything because i feel he plays the victim a lot. its always about his depression and how he feels but i dont think he has a single thought in his mind maybe im depressed too? i used to self harm in many ways and i still kind of do them to this day. i starting to be bulimic and he was alittle concerned when i told him but the next day, its like he totally forgot. he came to visit me at work, we ate sushi and immediately after i said “i felt sick” and what did i do? go to the bathroom to puke up my food. he still thinks nothing of it. unfortunately after that ive been craving anything that will alter my mind, well to prevent nights like this. alcohol, coke, molly, anything it is i will take it ... now that im writing this out im starting to understand the war im having with myself. maybe ill let him read this and he will understand what goes through my mind, or maybe ill delete the next day. whatever i do, i needed this and im gonna wake up tomorrow with a whole new perspective.

its now 3am and im feeling a little better but still confused. when i look over to my left, hes still sleeping there so quiet and peaceful and i still think nothing of it. i still want to listen to my music and spill my fucking heart out because i have lots more to say. but i find it really hard to put my thoughts into words sometimes thats a big reason why i listen to music so much.. it really speaks for me and takes so much off my mind. kind of like a high from music, almost the same high id get taking drugs to release myself. music is just another way of me doing that. but whats really awesome is he has a big interest for music too, and thats just another thing i love about him. we can sit for hours and just show each other music, now thats really special to me.

theres so many songs i found tonight that are really helping me connect with myself and the emotions im feelings right now. its almost like god wanted me to stay awake so i can learn about myself, find some cool songs and spill my heart and soul out so i can sit back and look at what the fuck im doing. thats the part im at right now, occasionally scrolling up and reading whatever the hell im writing. none of this is perfect and theres multiple errors but, my fingers are just typing whatever my mind is telling it to.. and i havent been able to write like this for a long time. so im taking for granted any time i have right now to just.. write

as the night goes on i can finally start to feel my eyelids slowly shutting and my brain is wanting to turn off, but im still so hurt i dont know whats going on with me, althought i do get bad sometimes. i guess this is what you call me getting bad is :/ im trying to restrain myself from grabbing the bottle because i almost bkacked out last night. but writing is so therapeutic i dont ever want to stop. and plus, why am i doing this while with my boyfriend? shouldnt i be cherrishing every little moment we have? or is that just the first stage of any relationship? who fucking knows. who knows anything anymore? because i dont. i dont know whats with relationships but majority dont end well, so why as us humans constantly create and live in relationships? oh this is know, because we crave attention and love. thats something i really need to be careful with not growing up with a father, being in dyer need of attention and protection. i used to give everyone who looks at me a chance. but that kept leaving me broken and pieces of my heart and soul were shattered between my feet. even my relationships were destroyed by my decisions. thats why im asking should i even bother anymore? am i the common demoninator in all my past failed lovers.. who knows?

but i think my time here is almost done. the more i watch him the more i wish i was sleeping beside him. but i know what to do now, because i truly am in love, i need not to let myself go, not be controlled and just be Meghan. because so far, im really liking the woman ive become so far which means i must of done something right

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yutasbirthchin · 7 years ago

Text

Lean On Me.

Group: BTS Member: Rapmon (Namjoon) Word Count: 1537 Genre: Fluff

a/n: I would usually try and find a gif with only rapmon in its but this works so well so i stuck with it. also you'd think id get better the more i write but I'm 100% sure this is the worst one I've written.

You looked at your best friend trying his hardest not to fall asleep in the middle of this lecture. Namjoon always worked so hard and you always felt bad for him. It didn't take a genius to know that being an idol was grueling work, that you were constantly busy with barely any rest, and any university student would tell you how hard and stressful it was. And then to combine the two into one… you didn't know how he did it. How can you be a famous idol and still attend university?

Last night Namjoon had flown back into Korea after BTS’s concerts in America, and instead of going back to the dorm and sleeping, he'd knocked on your door at 2am.

“Why are you here?” You asked, a little sleepy.

“Because if I went home I wouldn't be able to focus on finishing the essay.”

“Namjoon, you're an idol, you had an overseas concert, you literally have an excuse, if you just talk to them, you could get an allowance on the deadline.”

“But that isn't fair on everyone else.”

“No one else is a famous idol that works like 20 hour days.”

“Just let me in already.” He protested, pushing your door slightly. You sighed and stepped back, letting him step through the door and closing it behind him. He walked straight through the apartment you shared with two of your friends and into your room, dropping his bag at his feet as he sat down at your desk. “How long is it again?”

“5000 words, how much have you done?”

“Maybe 300?” He replied and you sighed.

“Namjoon, you've barely started. Just get an extended deadline.”

“No, it's 2:17, I have almost 10 hours, I can do it.”

“We have a lecture at 9.”

“Then I have 7 hours.”

“I still think you should get the deadline extended.”

“If I don't finish it by 8, then I'll think about extending it.”

“Fine.” You said, giving up and heading to the kitchen.

When you walked back in the room he had already set up his laptop and was furiously typing, only glancing away from the screen to flick through the notes in his various notebooks. You set the mug down on the table, causing him to look up at you with a questioning look. “If you're going to pull an all nighter, at least have a coffee.” You said, simply.

“Thank you.”

“You're welcome, now I'm going to have a shower and sleep.”

Namjoon nodded. “Goodnight.”

When you awoke a few hours later at 6:30, you heard the familiar tapping of a keyboard. You weren't surprised when you opened your eyes and were met with the view of your best friends back as he still sat at your desk working away. You stretched and sat up, pulling your phone off of the side table to scroll through Instagram, Facebook and Twitter.

Namjoon stretched his arms out, letting a groan escape his lips and drawing your attention.

“Did you finish it?” You asked.

He clearly wasn't expecting you to speak because he jumped slightly before turning to face you.

“No.” He shook his head.” I'm trying to write the conclusion but it doesn't sound right.”

You really shouldn't have been shocked, you'd known Namjoon long enough to know that he was highly intelligent and had the highest work ethic you'd ever seen on a person. Yet the fact that he'd essentially written his whole essay in just over four hours amazed you. “That essay took me a week to write and here you just do it all in a few hours. Why am I even in university?”

“Don't say that. You're smart enough to be in uni.”

“I know, I was kidding. But seriously, you're a phenomenon.”

“Don't most people finish their essays the morning of?”

“Yeah, but how many of those would ace it?”

“I've never aced anything.”

“You have an average grade of 96. That's close enough.” You said as you got up to grab your clothes to change into. “Anyway, don't take too long, try and make sure you at least shower before we leave.”

“Yes mom.” He replied, turning back to face his laptop.

Brianna raised an eyebrow at you as you stepped into the hallway.

“Yeah?”

“You have someone over?”

“Just Namjoon.”

“Of course, your best friend, Namjoon.”

“He pulled an all nighter to finish his essay.”

“And he couldn't do that at his house?”

“No.” You said as you headed towards the bathroom. It wasn't that you didn't like Brianna, of course you did. It was just that you didn't like talking to her about Namjoon. You weren't sure whether she just shipped the two of you or whether she genuinely believed that you were dating, but whatever she said always left you feeling uncomfortable, so you ignored it.

“I finished!” He exclaimed as you walked back into your room after a shower and breakfast. You walked over to Namjoon who was standing over your printer, waiting for his essay to print.

“Well done, I'm proud.” You said as you reached up to ruffle his hair. “Now go and have a shower because you stink.”

“It hasn't printed yet.”

“It's not going anywhere, pabo, you can get it after you shower, so get out!” You pushed him towards the door.

The two of you had made it to campus early enough to submit your essays before you headed to your lecture. When you entered the lecture hall, it was clear that at least a third of the students hadn't shown up, most likely because they were either finishing their essays, or because they were too tired from staying up to finish the essay.

Namjoon was included in the too tired category, but unlike the others he was stupid enough to not take the day off after submitting and was now sitting in the lecture hall trying his hardest not to fall asleep. As you looked at your best friend sitting in the seat next to you, you tried not to laugh at his obviously drooping head, deciding instead to reach out you hand to push his chin up. He stirred and eventually shook awake, turning his head to look at you in confusion.

“I told you you should have had just stayed at home.” You whispered, removing your hand.

“At your apartment with your weird friend? No thank you.”

“You could have gone back to the dorm.”

“It doesn't matter where I would have stayed, I couldn't have missed the lecture.”

“I'm here pabo, you could have my notes.”

“It not the same as being in a lecture.”

“I literally just woke you up, you're not taking notes because you can't even keep your eyes open. You may aswell have stayed asleep in bed.”

“Well I'm here now so stop complaining.”

“I'm not the one falling asleep.”

“Shhh.” He said, turning his attention back to the lecturer. It didn't take long though before he was drifting back into his dreams.

You watched him and contemplated letting him just fall forwards and whack his head, but knowing him he'd probably end up breaking the desk and you didn't really want to deal with all that. He was oddly cute, falling asleep with his mouth wide open, his head slowly swaying with the heaviness of sleep.

After a while you reached your arm around his shoulder and gently pulled him towards you, resting his head on your shoulder. As he awoke he tried to pull away but you kept an iron grip on him.

“Y/N?”

“You're tired, just lean on me and sleep.”

“But we're in the middle of a lecture.”

“And?”

“The lecturer will see.”

“We’re in a massive lecture theatre, with at least a hundred other people, I doubt he'd notice. He's a guest lecturer anyway, he doesn't know who we are.” You replied, deciding to leave out the fact that he had pink hair which clearly stood out for the sake of your own argument, luckily he was too tired to realise.

“You should be waking me up, you shouldn't be encouraging me to sleep.”

“You're tired, you just got back from America and wrote a whole essay without even sleeping.”

“But I should be listening and taking notes.”

“I'm taking notes that you can look at literally anytime. And besides, these lectures are recorded anyway, you could watch it at a time when you’re not falling asleep on yourself.”

“But everyone else is going to think we're dating.”

“Who cares?”

“Me, ARMY, my members, my manager, m-”

“Okay, okay, I get it, but we're near the back anyway so not many people will see. Even then, how many times have we had to deny it? I'm pretty sure they're all convinced that we're dating anyway.”

“A man and woman can't be in a platonic friendship?”

“Now is not the time for this discussion, you're distracting me. Just lean on me and sleep.”

He huffed in defeat and shuffled a little before settling comfortably on your shoulder. It didn't take him long before he was peacefully sleeping, still with his mouth wide open. You smiled at him before turning your focus back to the lecture.

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soobadnoonecanstopher · 7 years ago

Text

Writing tips from Lori

I had a fanmail asking for some writing tips and i thought id make a post to share since i get this question A LOT. :D

Okay so the biggest bit of advice i can give you about how I personally write is practice the famous “show don’t tell” method when you write. This kind of just happens when i write my stories and im only vaguely aware that im doing it but when i go back and really pay attention, my strongest writing is when im SHOWING the reader what is happening and i save the TELLING for something really significant. I will give you an example of this.

This is telling the reader:

“He stood in front of the large crowd. He felt nervous.”

This is showing the reader:

“The muscles in his jaw flexed as he clenched down hard, grinding his teeth against each other for a second before his tongue peeked out to lick his dry lips. The breath caught inside his lungs as he tried to inhale but no matter how hard he tried, the oxygen simply could not find a path that would satisfy the need for air his brain screamed for. Was this dizziness just from his breathing or was there more to this? Could they see his trembling hands and the sweat collecting on his brow?”

Aside from being just more wordy, im actually painting a picture of what a person feels when a certain emotion is flooding through them. Im not merely telling you that he is nervous. In fact, i never say it outright but through his body language and the narrative we get about his physical symtpons and internal dialogue we get the idea that he is quite nervous, plus its not boring.

That doesn’t mean i never ever just tell. I do. But when i do its usually something that i feel is significant enough on it’s own that merely telling it has a greater impact on the story than showing it. Here is an excerpt from my story 2am. Where I tell some significant things and show some other things.

—

Just as your head reached your pillow you heard a noise somewhere in your home. A noise that should not have been happening if you really were alone here, but that noise coupled with the smell your nose caught a minute later told you this was real.

Someone was making coffee. [tell]

You heard a can opener and a faint meow and your feet were on the floor in an instant.

You stood, dumbfounded at your bedroom door, watching the Minseok in your kitchen. Opening your fridge, using your faucet, making coffee, feeding your cat as she wrapped around his ankles and he moved slowly through the kitchen to throw the lid of the can into the trash can and not step on the hungry animal who instantly loved him once he had opened the can. She only had eyes for the one holding the cans.

Minseok was in your kitchen. [tell]

He didn’t leave. [tell]

—

Another tip i can give is to skip the boring stuff. Just skip it. So you know you have a certain amount of time before an event happens and it’s going to be so interesting and exciting, but your character has to go to work first and take a bath and do their laundry and boring boring boring that is BORING, just skip it. You are the author don’t tell me all about boring day to day insignificant stuff, a story should have a point and you should be actively headed toward that point with significant bits of story until you get to the spot where you are so enraptured in this world that you see it happening in your sleep and cry in your car because of how invested you are in your own world. Yes this happens to me. Yes i get nuts and cry while im driving because Perfect came on the radio and Baekhyun Loves Hot Dog SO MUCH huhuhuhuhuhuuu.

NoW, as for smut. I used to write tons and tons of smut in my stories, which you may have recalled from the baek story wow did they have a TON of sex. UNTIL i discovered angst. Wow i love angst now. I also LOVE tension and i feel that some of my best smut scenes have come after LOADS of angst and UNRESOLVED sexual tension wow is it satisfying to have a small glance, a tiny touch, a fucking hidden smile that the character just can’t hold back and actively tries to hide, or oh my god, trembling hands because they’re finally getting to touch someone they’ve wanted to touch forever and just just just …fuck grammar btw. Write how you talk. People will read it anyway and love it and grammar is a suggestion really. this is fiction not academic discourse. Anyway smut…tension. UST. ANGST. Make the reader work for the smut because when it happens after all of that it’s so much more satisfying. You’ll find it practically writes itself if you’ve been tortured long enough.

If you aren’t comfortable with smut you dont have to write it. But honestly to get really good at it, you should read more. I mean read smut you like, pay attention to how it’s done. Pay attention to dialogue you like, a style you like, dirty talk you like. And remember SHOW DONT TELL. I want to experience what the reader is feeling. I dont want you to merely tell me that it’s happening.

GOOD LUCK! And i hope you find this helpful. Sometimes im not too amazing at explaining how i do things. I tend to just do them. -Lori

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paralysedbyts · 7 years ago

Text

Bridges burn... ... at least I did one thing right

Taylor was right her bridges do burn, let us take a look at all of Taylor's burning bridges:

If you and I are a story that never gets told, if you and I are a daydream I'll never get to hold at least you'll know

You say that the past is the past, you need one chance, it was a moment of weakness and you said yes

The bottom's gonna drop out from under our feet, ill catch you, ill catch you, when people say things that bring you to your knees ill catch you, the times is going to come when you are so mad you cry, but ill hold you through the night until you smile

you played in bars, you play guitar, I'm invisible and everyone knows who you are, and youll never sing, sing me to sleep, every night from the radio

And ill scream out the window, I cant even look at you, I don't need you, but I do I do I do, ill say theres nothing you can say to make this right again, I mean it, I mean it, what I mean is

back then I swore I was going to marry him someday, but I realised some bigger dreams of mine, and Abigail gave everything she had to a boy who changed his mind and we both cried.

hey Stephan, I could give you 50 reasons why I should be the girl you chose, all those other girls, well they are beautiful, but would they write a song for you

And there you are on your knees begging for forgiveness begging for me, just like I always wanted but I'm so sorry

Oh I remember you driving to my house in the middle of the night, I'm the one who makes you laugh when you know youre about to cry, I know your favourites songs and you tell me about your dreams, I think I know where you belong, I think i know its with me

its 2am feeling like I just lost a friend, hope you know its not easy easy for me

why do you have to make me feel small, so you can feel whole inside, and why do you have to put down my dreams so you are the only thing in my mind

you had me crawling for you honey and it never would've gone away np, you used to shine so bright but I watched our loving fade

he cant see the smile I'm faking and my hearts not breaking cause I'm not feeling anything at all, and you were wild and crazy, just so frustrating intoxicating, complicated, got away by some mistake and now

tonight we'll stand, get off our knees, fight for what we've worked for all these years, and the battle was long, its the fight of our lives and we'll stand up champions tonight

lets be real, every speak now bridge

this is the state of grace, this is the worthwhile fight, love is a ruthless game unless you play it good and right, these are the hands of fate, youre my Achilles heel, this is the golden age of something good and right and real

remembering him comes in flash backs and echoes ell myself its time now got to let go, but moving on from him is impossible when I still see it all in my head in burning red

two headlines shine through the sleepless night and I would get you and get you alone, you name echoes through my mind and I just think you should think you should know, that nothing safe is worth the drive, and I would follow you, follow you home, ill follow you, follow you home

and the saddest fears comes creeping in, that you never loved me or her or anyone or anything

maybe we got lost in translation maybe I asked for too much, but maybe this thing was a masterpiece till you torn it all up, running scared I was there I remember it all too well, hwy you call me up again just to break me like a promise so casually cruel in the name of being honest, I'm a crumpled up piece of paper lying her cause I remember it all all all too well, time wont fly its like I'm paralysed by it, id like to be my old self again but I'm still trying to find it after plaid shirt days and those nights where you made me your own, now I mail back your things and I walk home alone, but you keep my own scarf from the very first week, cause it reminds you of innocence and it smells like me, you cant get rid of it cause you remember it all too well

we made quiet a mess babe, its probably better off this way and I confess babe in my dreams I am touching your face and asking me if I want to trying again with you and I almost do

distance, timing breakdown, fighting silence train runs off its tracks kiss me try to fix it, could you just try to listen, hang up, give up for the life of us we cant get back

it was a few years later I showed up here and they still tell the legend of how you disappeared, how you took your money and you dignity and got the hell out, they say you bought a bunch of land somewhere, chose the rose garden over madison square, it took sometime but I understand it know, cause now my names in up in lights, but I think you got it right

like any great love it keeps you guessing, like any real love its ever changing, like any truth love it drives you crazy, but you know you wouldnt change anything anything anything

boys only want love if its torture, don't say I didn't say I didn't warn you

remember when you hit the breaks too soon, 2o stitches in a hospital room, you started crying, I did too, when the sun came up I was looking at you, remember when we couldn't take the heat I walked out and said i'm setting you free but the monster turned out to be just trees, when the sun came up you were looking a me

band aids don't fix bullet holes, you say sorry just for show, if you life like that you live with ghosts, band aids don't fix bullet holes you say sorry just for show, if you live like that you live with ghosts, if you love like that blood runs cold

youll see me in hindsight tangled uo with you all night burning it down, someday when you leave me, I bet these memories with follow you around

your kiss, my cheek, I watched you leave, you smile, my ghost, I fell to my knees, when youre young you just run, but you come back to what you need.

they take their shots but we are bullet proof, and you know for me its always you, in the dead of night your eyes so green, I know for you its always me

10 months sober I must admit just because youre clean don't mean you don't miss it, 10 older I wont give in, now that I'm clean I'm never going to risk it

I reached for you but you were gone, I knew I had to go back home, you searched the world for omethign else to make you feel like what we had, but in the end in wonderland we both went mad

so it goes you two are dancing in a snow globe round and round, he keeps a picture of you in his office downtown, you understand now why they lost your minds and fought the wars, and I spent my whole life trying to put it into words

I don't trust nobody and nobody trusts me, ill be the actress staring in your bad dreams

you make me so happy it turns back to sad, there is nothing I hate more than what I cant have, you are so goregus it makes me so mad, you make me so happy it turns back to sad there is nothing I hate more than what I cant have, guess ill just stumble on home to my cats, alone, unless you want to come along

I want to wear his initial on a chain round my neck, chain round my neck not because he owns me, because he really knows me, which is more than they can say, I recall late November, holding my breath, slowly I said, you don't k=have to save me, but would you run away with me yes

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