#no i am not skipping halloween for christmas stuff btw

[charrfie]

Second year me n my friends are doing secret santa and I'm so excited for it :^3

[livixbobbiex]

Tag meme... thing

This like never happens but I’m procrastinating right now so hi, I’m doing the thing IG. Thanks @tenacioussheepalpaca for tagging me!

How tall are you? 5′5 ish, which means I’m still ‘short’ but I can lean on a lot of people

What color are your eyes? It really depends on the lighting, I’d usually say green (if I look in a mirror) but they look kinda grey sometimes (mostly in photos) 

You be the judge idk (may have thrown in the last one to show off about my eyeliner skill)

Do you wear contacts and/or glasses? I do have glasses (short sighted), but I only really bother to wear them at cinemas and stuff. My sight doesn’t give me too much issue.

Do you wear braces? Nah, and I never have. 

What is your fashion style? If Dan Howell was poor. For real though, it’s usually monotone or just pure black. Leather jackets, grey trainers, low cut top to display the one asset I have etc. There’s usually at least one or two items of anime merch, whether it’s socks, my hat, flat out cosplay... 

How old are you? 18, though I rarely the act like it. 

Do you have any siblings? I actually have four sisters (only one related by blood though), and I love them all. 

What school/college do you go to? Currently, I don’t, because I had no idea what I wanted to be come graduating. However, I sorted my shit out, and I’ll be studying for a Japanese degree at University of Leeds come this September. 

What kind of student are you? That annoying kid who puts in zero effort throughout the entire school year, writes fanfic in lessons, never hands in essays - and yet knocks it out the last few weeks to literally get the top grade in the year anyway. Other than that, basically always the one with the hand up READY for lesson contribution. 

What are your favorite subjects? In school my favourite was Spanish, but that was because we literally had the BEST teacher ever, she was super cool and motivating. Although I didn’t continue with the subject, I AM doing a language degree, so... success? My actual favourite in terms of content would be English though, mainly because it had plenty of opportunity for analysis, debate, and discussion. 

What are your favorite movies? I always find this kind of question hard to answer, I’d probably say The Kingsman because it does comedy right, the typical animated classics (*cough* Mulan), musicals, nerdy shit like Star Wars and LOTR. Chronicles of Narnia are my favourite Christmas movies. 

What are your favorite pastimes? Other than procrastinating my life away with random youtube videos? And, the obvious, writing? Probably researching cool shit, puzzles, strategy video games. I just really like learning stuff. Definitely music. 

Do you have any regrets? Aside from every time I’ve been drunk, most of my regrets are people based. Like, I appreciate you learn a lot from every person you interact with, but there are a few people out there I wish I could undo all time and effort put into, people who really didn’t deserve that level of love and faith from me.  

What is your dream job? I’m still not sure. Right now, I want to translate anime (because I bitch about translations I disagree with all the time honestly). I’m not settled on it though, I might go into something more diplomacy based (Interpreting etc.).  

Would you like to get married? I’m one of those bitter ‘marriage is just a piece of paper’ people. Basically, I don’t think it’s necessary to live a happy and fulfilling life, but if any future partner wanted to get married, I’d happily go for it.  

Do you want kids? how many? Not sure. I love kids, but writing 100k words of pregnancy drama fanfic (plus the 4k word birth chapter) has kind of put me off the idea :’) If I don’t end up having any of my own, I’ll definitely foster or adopt some.   

How many countries have you visited? All of the UK minus Northern Ireland, the UAE, France, Germany, Belgium, The Netherlands, Denmark, Spain, Italy, Greece. I’m desperate to go to more, though.  

What was your scariest dream? When I was five or something, I used to have a recurring nightmare. Nothing happened exactly, I used to just get out of bed and walk towards the bedroom door, and wake up before I got there. The ominous doom of whatever was on the other side used to freak me out, honestly.  

Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend/significant other? Nope. Whenever people try I tend to freak out and reject them :’)

Put your playlist on shuffle and without skipping list the first 15 songs

Ho Hey - The Lumineers Battle Cry - Imagine Dragons (great writing music btw)  Paranoid - Black Sabbath  Black Magic - Little Mix  Guren No Yumiya - Linked Horizon (aka Attack On Titan OP 1)  In The Hall Of The Mountain King - Grieg (classical piece, that Halloween sounding one that Alton Towers use as a theme tune)  Chapel of Love - The Dixie Cups  Who Do You Love - Marianas Trench  Ready To Go - Panic! At The Disco  Nearly Witches - Panic! At The Disco (best song on Vices and Virtues fight me) 21 Guns - Green Day  All The Boys - Panic! At The Disco  National Anthem - Lana Del Rey  Disorder - Joy Division Sweater Weather - The Neighbourhood  

(I hooked you all up with youtube links)

I don’t really have that many people to tag, so I’m leaving it open to all my followers to do this! If you see this from my blog, please let me know, I love reading this kind of thing about people :D 

[colours-from-the-inside]

The thing about nightmares that makes them so infuriatingly frustrating is that it’s not just about the visuals - which can be horrible on their own - it’s about your feelings and how your brain reacts to them.

Hear me out.

So dreaming is your brain processing stuff, right? Things you see, hear, and feel during your waking hours.

When you're dreaming, your brain isn’t just making sense of what you’ve seen during the day, but also how you’ve felt and responded.

For example, here’s the dream I was so rudely woken up from at 6am:

It really sorta starts with the previous dream. Quick summery, you can skip...I’m an artist irl. And in this dream I was talking to this younger girl (12-14?) at some sort of convention. She’s talking about how she hates her own art, and she doesn’t think it’s good enough, and she’ll never make it as artist. All thoughts I’ve had many times over the years. And that’s what I tell her. TLDR: The dream is about me encouraging this young girl to keep pursuing her art. I could go into further detail (as I remember my dreams ridiculously well) but it’s not relevant to this post. What happens next is.

So I “wake up.” I acknowledge that what I just experienced was a dream, and, it being the middle of the night/early morning, it’s dark as shit in my room. I’m settling back down to get more sleep when I feel my covers being dragged away. I look up to see some sort of figure in the dark next to my bookshelf - I can’t make them out, as like I said, it’s dark as shit, but I can see that the have hold of the end of my duvet. I know it’s something evil, and I’m afraid. And with that fear comes the realization that I’m still asleep and this is a nightmare.

It didn’t feel like a dream - in fact it felt as real as me sitting on my bed typing this right now. But i’m present enough to know that this sort of demonic crap is utter bullshit. So I close my eyes and lie very still and hope my brain gets the hint and fucks off. It doesn't.

I feel my covers being pulled away again and when I open my eyes the figure is still there. I feel genuine fear. I try to scream, but it’s that annoying af “nightmare scream” where you’re trying to scream but it’s whisper quiet and stuck in your throat, and you know that no-one can hear you.

Through the fear I’m experiencing, I’m still aware. And so done. So I let go of the duvet and say out loud, “Here. Just take it!” That also falls to end the dream.

And suddenly I’m lying in bed out in the open. There’s this demonic thing at the end of my bed that probably wants to kill me, and I’m completely exposed. Honestly, I haven’t felt that scared or vulnerable in a long time. It sucked.

This is where things get a little ridiculous.

A car drives past my window (not actually possible btw) and the headlights allow me to see the thing...

It’s a. Fucking. Halloween. dECORATION!! Like some shitty little grim reaper-like guy with a skull head and cheap ass grey fabric for robes and fake skeleton hands that are ridiculously too big for it’s tiny ass body. All together it’s no bigger then my fucking hand. And in it’s cheap ass halloween decoration hands is my duvet. I’m fucking pissed.

Then everything resets and I’m back where I was before and can feel my duvet starting to get tugged away again. Only this time I can still see the little shit my brain has decided to troll me with, hanging off the edge of my book shelf like some sort of nasty demonic Christmas ornament, shaking and clacking away like one of those crappy motion sensor toys.

I’m really fucking pissed.

And yet somehow still feeling fear.

I throw my blankets down and fucking pounce at this bitch. It jumps away past me just as I reach it and lands on my bed.

“Get back here you little shit!!”

It leaps at me and lands on my thigh, as if to attack. Like a tiny dog that thinks it’s a bigger dog.

And that is when I wake up. My heart racing and close to a sweat. Despite how utterly ridiculous that dream was, I’m too scared to go back to sleep.

So here I am. Two hours later, tired as shit, and still unable to sleep, writing this crap on a tumblr that no-one gives a fuck about.

I’ve had the most horrifically graphic dreams before, full of blood and gore and all sorts of messed up stuff, and woken up completely calm (albeit slightly disturbed.)

And this is what fucks me up to the point I can’t fall back asleep?

But my point is - and I do have a point - that the visuals didn’t matter. The subject of the dream didn’t matter. I could have been dreaming about going to class, or walking down the street and it didn’t matter. I was scared anyways.

Because my brain wasn’t processing something I’d seen. It wasn’t processing some event I’d witnessed. It wasn’t even processing something I was specifically afraid of.

It was processing the fear itself.

I’ve been under a lot of stress lately. Covid, it’s financial impact, the coming school term, getting a student loan and disability support. I’ve been stressed. I’ve been having panic attacks. I’ve been feeling nauseous and scared and just so worried about everything.

The anxiety. The stress. The fear and vulnerability.

That is what my brain was processing.

With a fucking halloween decoration...

[melancholiablackbile]

A lot of questions... my my, someone's curious lol

@black-satin-dancer tagged me, cheers dude :D

Rules: answer all the questions, add one of your own and tag as many people as there are questions …pshh please, let’s keep it realistic - I don’t even know that many people irl. (also didn’t feel obligated to answer the Dragon age/Mars effect questions, because I’ve never played it)

1. coke or pepsi?

Neither. I absolutely hate fizzy sweet drinks lol. The only thing I enjoy is kombucha and I’ve had ginger ale which I can tolerate. (btw did you know there’s something called bacon soda? I just found out and I’m absolutely horrified and disgusted. pls burn this knowledge out of my brain thank)

2. disney or dreamworks?

I don’t have a preference, nor am I overly invested in any of the two, so it depends. By Disney I really like Hocus Pocus, The Nightmare before Christmas and Frankenweenie, to pick a few. As for DreamWorks, Penguins of Madagascar are THE SHIT omg 3. coffee or tea? I’m a tea person, however I enjoy coffee flavour in things

4. books or movies?

Both

5. windows or mac?

I use windows, don’t feel like I’m missing out or anything tbh

6. dc or marvel?

I’m only starting to get into comics, and I’ve probably seen more marvel films than dc ones, but I think I like dc a little more I like the older Batman films by Tim Burton.

7. xbox or playstation?

playstation. “OF COURSE we’re going to go with the ps4 - they’re blacker!” :D

8. dragon age or mass effect?

Haven’t played either, but was thinking about giving Dragon age a go

9. night owl or early riser?

aw shit dude, I don’t even know anymore. my sleeping schedule is so fucked up lately, I tend to be a night owl tho. But hey, time isn’t really anyway, so..

10. cards or chess?

both, but you can do more with cards. like chess is just one game, but there are lots of different card games. I personally identify with CAH, I think the company should hire me, because I’m a horrible person lmao

11. chocolate or vanilla?

chocolate all the way. I don’t eat it often, but when I do, I’m a snob about it - I only like the dark stuff (only vegan ofc). bonus points, if there’s dried fruit like berries in it. To sum it up (i’m taking this way too seriously and detailed lol, but I have insomnia ¯\_(ツ)_/¯) overall, chocolate flavour is better I guess, vanilla makes me vomit, it’s disgusting and I hate it. 12.vans or converse? I used to own a pair of converse, but neither are shoes I’d wear now

13. fluff or angst?

a good combination of both ehehe

14. beach or forest?

forests are awesome - they are green and smell amazing, you can spot a lot of wild animals and the atmosphere is very serene and calming. I’ll always pick forests over beaches, unless the beach is all sand or small round marble stones, the water is clear without the detached, rotting algae stuff that floats around and ew, the sun has fucked off so I don’t get sunburnt (my skin always skips the tan stage right to red and I prefer pale skin anyway) and all sweaty and shit, there are NO people beside those I’m there with and I do NOT spot any animal while in the water that’s bigger than like 5cm. Because even though I love and respect it deeply, I’m genuinely afraid of sea life, I don’t care that there are lots of totally harmless creatures. …lmao, I feel like a rich asshole saying all that - way too many demands. (sorry sea/ocean, I love you, but you freak me the fuck out)

15. dogs or cats?

I have dogs, but I love both. With dogs, the love is more likely to be returned though :D

16. clear skies or rain?

clear night skies for star gazing, rain during the day

17. cooking or eating out?

I eat mostly raw vegan nowadays, because it’s healthy I don’t have the energy to cook and can’t be arsed and I’m not too fond of eating in public so… preparing/eating food at home?

18. spicy food or mild food?

all the spices lol

19. halloween/samhain or solstice/yule/christmas?

How is this a question, have you met me? My whole existence basically revolves around celebrating Halloween like every day

20. would you rather forever be a little too cold or a little too hot?

The first one is way better imho, I’m usually a little too cold anyway (no pun intended omg) and I’m fine with that.

21. if you could have a superpower, what would it be?

Hydrokinesis (so basically I’d be a water bender ehehe) or Telepathy

22. animation or live action?

both are great (with the exception of some anime adaptations lol)

23. baths or showers?

showers don’t take too long, but baths are very nice from time to time

24. team cap or team ironman?

Team Loki, duh! No, but honestly, I’m not really invested in the whole civil war thing, but if cap is a nazi, then I’m team ironman

25. fantasy or sci-fi?

both are amazing and bring happiness into my life

26. do you have three or four favourite quotes, if so, what are they?

I guess I have a lot of favourite ones, but these two came to my mind right now: “I do desire we may be strangers” (Shakespeare) it’s such a classy and eloquent way to tell someone you hate them :D “And so being young and dipped in folly, I fell in love with melancholy” (E.A. Poe) because ME tbh

27. youtube or netflix? 

Youtube, no netflix here

28. harry potter or percy jackson?

Harry Potter all the way. I’ve read the first Percy jackson pentalogy and don’t get me wrong, Greek mythology is awesome, but wizards over demigods

29. when do you feel accomplished?

Idk, when I’m able to do more than the bare minimum and when I totally Tony Stark the whole subject/study material the night before the exam. and probably smug/petty rather than accomplished - when I prove horrible people/people I don’t like wrong or do things they don’t approve of lol

30. star wars or star trek?

I have to say Star Trek but I love both

31. paperback or hardback books?

Hardback. HARDBACK!

32. horror or rom-com?

I’ve always gravitated towards horror - psychological, gothic, really bad b/c movie style, etc. - I get bored by rom-coms

33. tv shows or movies?

depends, but both. as an aspiring actor, beside theatre, I think I’d like to work on films over tv shows - if I ever get the chance to do so that is

34. favourite animal?

penguins, rats, corvids.. but like, birds in general and all animals are awesome anyway and precious and worth of life 35. favourite genre of music? alternative rock - which is a broad spectrum tho, so I guess rock sub-genres in general.. art rock, goth rock, punk rock my favourite (purely because of the name) is krautrock (aka kosmische Musik) which is the German term for space rock, but the literal translation is either herb or cabbage rock lmao :D throw in some psychedelic stuff, ambient music, experimental and classical and I’m good to go

36. least favourite book?

Madame Bovary. I think The Great Gatsby was boring too. I don’t usually read books without researching it a bit before so I can somewhat predict whether I’ll like it or not. (btw, if you’re into fantasy at all, 10/10 recommend reading the series A Raven’s Shadow by Anthony Ryan, he’s such an eloquent writer and the plot and characters are incredible! 37. favourite season? The season of Halloween - autumn all the way

38. song that’s currently stuck in your head?

Cinnamon Bone by Eliza Rickman. She has a really nice voice and combined with the melody it sounds very unique. Actually didn’t know who the singer was until a few days ago. She also performed in the weather section in a Welcome to Night Vale episode. Oh and I rewatched CATS the musical on Sunday, so like.. the whole libretto is playing in my head on loop :D I’ve pretty much known the entire thing by heart since I was like 8 lol

39. what kind of pyjamas do you wear?

Either boxer shorts or Levi Ackerman’s running titan pyjamas lmao

40. how many existential crises do you have on an average day?

I’m having an ongoing one since the age of 16 tbh

41. if you can only choose one song to be played at your funeral, what would it be?

Space Oddity by David Bowie

42. favourite theme song to a TV show?

I’ve know this song before I started watching the show, but Far from Any Road from True Detective is amazing. And the opening to snk season 2 lol, it gets me all fired up and ready to salivate every time Levi appears cry probably idk :D

43. harry potter movies or books?

even though, they are problematic in some aspects, both have their charm (pun absolutely intended this time)

44. you can make your OTP become canon but you’ll forget that tumblr exists. will you do it? 

Bitch, my otp is canon. and I doubt anyone can really forget about tumblr - you can try and leave, but it will never leave you

45. do you play an instrument and if so, what is it? 

Not like professionally or since early childhood and all that, but I taught myself how to play the violin and I think I’m pretty decent. Same goes for drums. My dad and I low-key collect musical instruments, I think we have around 20+ pieces ^^

46. what is the worst way to die?

alone and helpless and in excruciating pain from whatever the cause was that didn’t kill you immediately though, so you have to suffer

47. if you could be entirely invisible for a day, what would you do? 

Be sneaky ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) lol idk, I’d do stuff anxiety and self-consciousness prevent me from in normal life. Okay, that is so pathetic, but my first thought was “I’d go swimming” … *wipes away a tear*

48. If you could have personally witnessed anything in history what would it be?

I feel like it’s kinda selfish and considering I’d choose this out of any moment in history maybe a wasted opportunity? but I would have loved to see David Bowie perform. Idk, I’m sure there’s more, but it’s 3am here..

49. If you could understand animals but you could never understand humans again, would you?

I find I often don’t understand humans anyway..

50. What is your most favourite album currently?

The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders From Mars by David Bowie is my go to favourite album, haven’t really listened to whole albums lately, just a few songs here and there 51. (my question) What is your favourite word/phrase/colloquiallism? Name one (or more) per language you speak c:

tbh, Jeremy tagged most of the people I’d tag too, so I’m just adding @the-river-dream-shore and @slecnaztemnot to this if they or anyone else feel like it ;) I’m going to sleep now hopefully~

Note: Wow, that’s a lot of reading material lol. Why did I sound so angry?? I was tired, so that took a toll on my answers, I promise I’m not that much of an asshole :D