#no but i am genuinely upset on behalf of some of the people cause they did not deserve that at all

[rosepetalsthings]

what callout post i wanna find it im nosy

I think it got deleted (I did check their blog when I couldn't find it in the tags, so it wasn't cause I was blocked).

Essentially it was a no name new innittwt user who was making a list of "dream supporters" and "grooming apologists" as a Blocklist for others, but they @ everyone they named so they all knew they got mentioned. Some people reacted to it so more people knew of the existence of the callout post. It was a very little meme very briefly, because of how ridiculous it was (hence my little post. I actually found it in the tags before I saw people reacting)

It was however an awful thing to do, because being randomly mentioned in a post like that can be a triggering experience for some, and was also half based off people simply saying that the situation as it is now is not grooming (a true fact), or just because someone was in dreblr (honestly I think they just looked down a post with dreblr people and called it a day), despite the fact that some of them do not support him.

[safetycar-restart]

Soft Fabio? Oh yes please! Would you like to tell your thoughts? Then we could respond? Or would you prefer for us to ask sometjing more substansive?

Cheers 🏍 anon

YES YES OKAY!! So usually I’d ask for something more substantive, and if you happen to have more substantive thoughts then please send them cause we need as much soft Fabio as possible!! But because I am being plagued by thoughts already, I’m just gonna babble on about some of my Fabio thoughts and you’re more than welcome to respond to them or send your own or both :))

Firstly, im gonna stuck to the d/s au here cause that’s where most of my thoughts are but you’re more than welcome to send other AUs or no AU.

So firstly, you are at every race with Fabio. In fact you’re basically in the background everywhere. If Fabio has media duties, he wants you in the room, if Fabio has a team debrief, he wants you in the room, if fabio is going to greet fans, he wants you walking behind.

He just feels so vulnerable when you’re not there? You and Tom are his safe people and he needs at least one of you with him at all times throughout the race weekend but preferably both.

And he LOVES when you handle his schedule and communicate with his team so that he can just focus on you and being good.

I also think that with how badly Yamaha is doing and how utterly uncaring the engineers and team managers seem to be about it all, I think it might reach a point where Fabio wants very little contact with them? You communicate with them and get his schedule and what’s expected of him when and Tom communicates with them on behalf of the more technical side and Fabio mostly just speaks to you, Tom and his crew chief.

He’d much rather have it this way because he can he open and vulnerable with you and Tom, he can rant and vent in a way he can’t with the team. He just gets so frustrated when he speaks to the higher ups because it’s like they don’t care about him at all. So he’s so much better when he doesn’t have to have that communication and instead can let you or Tom represent him.

Anyway on to more soft thoughts:

I think that Fabio has some service sub tendencies? He’s definitely not a full service sub because he’d down under so much expectation, but he just… he loves caring for people? Especially you? He loves when he can do something for you and genuinely help?

He just loves being able to show his love. So much. (Omega Fabio shows his love through nests by the way)

He LOVES bringing you little gifts. He’ll see something and think of you and he just has to buy it and he genuinely gets so much joy out of giving it to you. Sometimes it’s an expensive necklace and sometimes it’s a pretty rock. Both are equally as important.

He just…. He loves you so much. He’s so lucky to have you and he knows he can he quite a handful and he desperately wants to show you how much you mean to him and how much he loves you.

He’s truly just the sweetest boy.

And by the way, no punishment. Ever. Never ever. You have rules for him, but the consequences of him breaking them are just that he’s made you upset.

And maybe you work on a reward system? If he follows the rules he gets a reward, if he breaks the rules he doesn’t get his reward but he also doesn’t get a punishment added.

You decide this because Fabio genuinely can’t handle punishments. He can’t. He’ll be in subdrop for days after.

Because he… he’s your good boy?

[prisonguards]

FR!!! Like oh my GOD I didnt even ship smallidarity before likeeeee I was just your average flower husbands fan, and I wanted to stick hard to the whole boundary compliance thing because I was part of dsmp twt for a year and. Well. That should say enough, iykyk. But then Joel just kept obsessing over Jimmy, Jimmy kept simping for Joel, and then the entire thing with the "he's just sooo cuuuute" and "can we just compare the size difference again, its my favorite thing ever" and whatever the fuck fixating on the noise Jimmy made was and it was like. Well. Bro. BRO. THEEEEN the having a CHILD together thing happened and I just fell into shipping them immediately from E2 alone. And now I'm watching E1 and I'm gonna rewatch 100h hardcore because your blog has just made it Worse.

This has been an entire tangent but the tldr is I didn't ship smallidarity until Joel was absolutely unbearable and obvious over just how much the cuteness aggression he gets over Jimmy Gets To Him.

Also I see your tags and I bring you this: in watching E1, am I insane or is the whole "Katherine was his first ally but I am his BEST ally, I will call her a coward and get genuinely angry at her for not going to the lengths I will to protect Jimmy" give off possessiveness. Not possessiveness as in jealousy, ownership, or anything like that but more in the sense that he takes great pride in being the one who takes care of Jimmy best, so to speak and to be the one who protects him when he needs it. This isn't really related at all to what you said but I'm doing my best and it's 6 AM as I write this, I have not slept and I should cut myself off before I spout even more nonsense.

- life series anon

ANON I LUV YOU AUSGEUE. I hope you get some good sleep friend aaueghd

I think that happened to a lot of people :3 smallidarity like was ramping up all season thanks to enemies to lovers being such a popular trope/dynamic but its Exploded in popularity lately and Im so thankful for that!!! whether it be from Joels fawning or their. insanity inducing innuendoes. the more fans the merrier ^—^

IM SO GLAD MY MADNESS HAS GOTTEN U TO WANNA REWATCH 100 HOURS :3c !!! its a comfort series for me for sure. and the episodes with Jimmy in them are. absolutely the best. ep 4 is one of my favorite episodes of anything ever. and if you want more Joel fawning over Jimmys cuteness…

YESSSSSS YES.. I ADORE THEM IN EMP S1!!! their dynamic is so unique there because of how wholly and overwhelmingly soft/positive it is. theyre allies from the start and BEST allies… auuughh.. yesshh Joel gets sooo defensive over Jimmy in s1 its beautiful. how quick he is to go absolutely murder mode for Jimmy. but how quick he is to be soft for him too. SIGGHHHHH. its my dream fr. the possessiveness.. YES.. theyre just SO important to eachother and it drives me crazy. he treats Jimmy so special. the way that he has little rooms for just Jimmy and Lizzie in his palace… the special roles they both hold… his wife and his best friend… there is def such a special connection there. and the possessiveness, Jimmy has so many more allies and close allies than Joel does. Joel just enforcing and affirming his station and specialness to Jimmy every once and a while.. by insulting his other allies augshs.. augh.. I just love them

also, for anyone else mulling over boundaries still; if you want specifics he just said he finds it “a bit weird” and iirc he didnt really say you cant do it. he just doesnt get it cause hes such a wifeguy. if youre concerned you can still tag it properly/keep it out of main tags. but if he was Really upset by it he would Not be encouraging and escalating it, and making the jokes he does, and putting them in his videos, and liking comments people make about them, and the tweets he makes, and and and and… if people are harassing u on behalf of him, they dont really care about what hes comfortable with, they just wanna punch down at someone. I get wanting to be respectful, but Ive also seen it used for such cruelty 💔 so I think the most important thing to keeping everyone, including the creators themselves, happy is to keep things to the right tags and spaces and being kind to yourself and others and blocking what you need and keeping out of peoples business.

[genderheaven]

excuse me for this being a post full of drama

"i" is used loosely before, the person who used to run this blog has split multiple times

- shaun/(i genuinely do not know what name they might go by now because i’ve been making a point to not check up on people from my mogai days, sorry) DID reblog that post that caused me to send that (shitty) message, they are literally a mod on that mogai wiki critism blog and at the time it had no indicator there were other mods so at the time when they reblogged that post telling “i hope all you mods burn” i really thought they had just reblogged it and then lied in their next post on kenochoric and said “i never reblogged that post.” i had been discussing the post with my therapist at the time in private and my therapist had repeatedly described it as a borderline threat, so how i saw it was that someone who i used to respect quite a lot reblogged a borderline threat against me and other mods and then acted like they didn't. after this i had a more extreme breakdown and i think i may have been delusional at different points, which is part of the reason a lot of my posts after that got... weird and some got deleted quickly. not an excuse but i’d like to EXPLAIN this and give some context.

- never doxxed rogue. doxxing can kill people and disgusts me on a moral basis. rogue has said in private emails that lo thinks the wiki page i made about lov is doxxing. it’s not. (it WAS rude and a breach of privacy and didn’t really need to exist. still not doxxing, did not contain a literal shred of information that counts as doxxing.) rogue was linked to four or five actual legal websites by the person who was maintaing the NCB on my behalf with the definition of doxxing, to say “no, your claim that this wiki page was doxxxing is wrong,” and rogue quite literally responded with “but my friends said it is.” this implies that rogue literally ignored actual legal professionals over like.. proship friends. i think the things i did to rogue were mean and uncessary but rogue has also used the scary word “dox” as a tool to silence supports of me/old me pre-splitting, while lo KNOWS that the wiki page was not a dox. mean and not needed? yeah, absolutely, i feel a lot of guilt over it and if i could go back in time and slap myself i would.

- i don’t tell people to kill themselves. i haven’t really checked but i have ZERO doubt there’s still never been any evidence that i told some random 16 year old to kill themselves. in fact i was literally silently making an effort to stop interacting with minors (just because of my age making me worried about making people uncomfortable) so from my perspective this accusation is all kinds of wild.

i’m still incredibly upset that someone as smart as dexter would think it’s okay to post an ask like that and leave NO comments at first about how he received no evidence of it and i really do hope that in the future mogai tumblr remembers that this isn’t the first time someone has sent an anon to whatever random mogai blogs have their asks open, saying that i did XYZ. remember when tgce was going to every blog they absolutely could and telling them i was antisemitic and then never providing evidence when asked but just talking about how shitty i am? yeah.

- the different carrds that i made no longer belong to me and haven’t been in my possession since this all happened, they’re not affiliated with me at all anymore so if you’ve removed links to them because they’re associated with Smelly Bad Guy i wouldn’t worry about that, i literally can’t edit them or anything now

figured out shortly after this that i have ocd and autism and i’m starting to slip and not be able to fight compulsions to come back here and comment so i think i’m just gonna outright delete the email this account is atatched to so i can’t get back in after this

with all that being said though: i'm sorry.

i don’t want forgiveness or to be defended, to be honest, so please just don’t. i’m very aware every action i took at this point was just asinine and rude and downright mean and hurting people and to say the least i’m not happy with myself for it

also: i’m no longer making any sort of mogai/resource-related accounts, so please know if you see anybody with an ezgendr/genderheaven/etc related url on another site it is ABSOLUTELY not me, i’ve seen fake usernames on other sites which kind of freaks me out so again that’s NOT legitimate

thank you for reading and i’m sorry, please know that there isn’t a single action i took that i don’t regret extremely

final note: if you're referring to me/old me pre splitting, please don't use the name "ez". our system's split was kind of violent and traumatizing and we've come to refer to it like "ez" dying. we would really like if people, especially those of you who outright knew me/us when i went by kris instead, didn't call me/us ez. mentioning the url ezgender is one thing because that was our actual url but people don't switch back to a name that this headmate no longer wanted to be called even when he was alive. never gonan stop you from being upset with me/us because there's a lot of legit reasons to but please don't with this name especially if we outright spoke to each other while it was "kris" instead

[starjxsung]

tw: sui attempt

so, yesterday i was at work with a coworker, and i went down with all our cardboard to throw it out, and i heard an ambulance nearby but didn't think much of it. a few minutes pass and i look to the entrance of the garage (it's down in the garage we throw out stuff) and i saw the ambulance on the road, a police officer putting up tape, and some people standing and watching, but i couldn't see anything at all, the ambulance already closed the doors.

so i hurry back up to my coworker, on the way i look down outside to the road but i still can't see anything, so i just go back in and tell her about it.

for like an hour ? we have no idea what happened, but the store next to us had their shutter down ever since the ambulance came, and we kept talking about it. some customers came in and told us that apparently a guy had tried to kill himself, and it seems he went in that store, before going down the escalator to outside where the ambulance showed up. we were in shock because that was... not at all what we expected to hear, and it freaked us out the rest of the day.

this whole experience was just... like, already hearing about people getting hurt and things happening in my city is so crazy to me and i get really upset at the thought (cause i'm insanely empathetic, like it takes nothing to get me upset on behalf of other people) so just. being there? being present for a story like this? feels so surreal and i still can't wrap my head fully around it.

i'm guessing he went in the store next to ours because they sell housewares, so that's where he got the knife. i just feel so fucking bad for the two girls who had to handle it, and the thought of if i had been working in there, or if our store had something like that.. i can't imagine how i'd react, it's just scary. it feels so surreal, and i cried at the end of my shift (felt uneasy since my coworker left for my last hour)

just wanted to get it off my chest because i genuinely think this is the most dramatic thing i've ever experienced. i don't usually see anything crazy happening or people getting hurt badly, so it's just? it's making me feel weird.

btw i just wanna leave an important note: i am NOT shaming this man at all. like whatsoever. there were a lot of kids there and i hope none of them saw it, or if they did, that they don't fully understand what happened. but clearly he was in a bad enough place to do it in public, and personally, i'm not gonna shame him for that. anyone else can feel how they want about it, because obviously it could leave people traumatized, and i get that. just wanted to make this clear. - puppy anon

[Tw: mention of su*cide]

Okay it’s been several weeks since you last sent this and I know I already privately reached out on discord ! BUT ! I do still want to respond to this in case anyone needs a few words of encouragement if they find themselves in a similar situation.

First of all, I am SO SORRY you had to deal with this, and I recognize how difficult this must have been for you. I can’t imagine having to get on with your life and go about your day after having dealt with something like that. Life is precious and death is so fragile, and the fact that you had such a close brush with someone else’s decision to end their own life is nothing short of traumatizing. I hope you’ve been able to get the proper support you need during this time- and even if you feel like you don’t need to talk about it, I’m glad you were honest with yourself to open up about such a sensitive subject and get it off your chest.

I think in situations like this, it’s really best to just do exactly what you’re doing- be honest with yourself about it being something that bothered you, traumatized you, hurt you, etc. And talk about it whenever you feel like you need to do so. It’s so easy to brush things off when they’ve happened, but a person’s life is such a big deal and a scary thing to have happened, so don’t feel like you need to bottle anything up or stay silent about the matter. And your message doesn’t come off at all as though you’re shaming the person and his decision- it’s perfectly okay to feel discomfort with the fact that there were kids there, and subsequent concern about them possibly having seen something. I would’ve thought the same exact thing.

Anyways, like I said I know I already reached out on discord, but I want to reiterate that I really hope you’re on the path to healing from this and that you’re letting yourself feel whatever you need to. I love you very much and I’m here to support you if the emotions arise again or you just need to get it off your chest. All my love to you always, you’re doing amazing and I hope your work is going well despite the incident. I’m sad to hear about the man too, and I hope he’s at peace and getting help he needs. Big hugs to you ❤️💓

[hexcoremagician]

@futureforged cont.

𝗡𝗢𝗧𝗛𝗜𝗡𝗚 𝗖𝗢𝗨𝗟𝗗 𝗛𝗔𝗩𝗘 𝗣𝗥𝗘𝗣𝗔𝗥𝗘𝗗 𝗩𝗜𝗞𝗧𝗢𝗥 𝗙𝗢𝗥 𝗧𝗛𝗘 𝗣𝗥𝗔𝗜𝗦𝗘𝗦 𝗧𝗛𝗔𝗧 𝗖𝗔𝗠𝗘 𝗢𝗨𝗧 𝗢𝗙 𝗝𝗔𝗬𝗖𝗘'𝗦 𝗠𝗢𝗨𝗧𝗛. Hearing praises was difficult for Viktor in general, as he often didn't believe them: many of them felt empty, or like his ego was being fluffed so he'd come up with more inventions for the Upper Piltovian Echelon. But with Jayce? He took his words to heart. He always did. It was easy to do so, with those twin suns shining with such honesty and genuine admiration.

Still, the praises cause him to flush a bright shade of red, and if it wasn't for Jayce's gaze grounding him, the inventor would be a puddle of flusterment on the floor. Mouth slightly agape, Viktor goes to say something, anything, but words fail him, and he swallows thickly, like swallowing will make the kindness easier to stomach. Like he isn't currently drowning in praise, or trying desperately to absorb the words into the fibre of his being.

No, he hasn't seen himself, he wants to say back, he will never see himself as brilliantly as Jayce sees him - for Viktor feels like Jayce is truly the only person who can see him for how he is. Jayce doesn't believe the lies Piltover speaks of people from Zaun, no, Jayce thinks he's brilliant, and he deserves a place at the table to him. But Viktor could never find the words to tell Jayce that while he deserves a place to him, some people would prefer he never approach the table at all. And the disdain, the lack of inclusivity for his mobility, and the looks of sheer hatred for the circumstances of his birth... no matter the fact Heimerdinger had spoken on his behalf and made him a member of his House, he was thus and had always been a trencher. Even if his ideas had helped alternating current AND HexTech come to life.

"I am happy," he stammers, words finally coming out of the back of his throat, where they had been lodged, "very happy. It is because of you that I have went from a Dean's assistant to changing the world. HexTech - I am grateful to you. I always will be. And you do not need to thank me for believing in you. It is very easy to do so."

Eyes drop down as soon as Jayce suggests proper credit - he knew if Jayce pushed hard enough, of course they'd rectify things, but was it worth it? And then, like he could put the topic behind them and change it, Viktor reaches into his pocket and pulls out a thin piece of dark leather.

He swallows, places the object in his lap, and looks down at it, as if steeling himself for what he is about to share.

"Do you - ehhh - remember when - "

Viktor bends the leather back and forth, running his long index finger along the gear that lays at the center of the band.

" - you lost the gear from our first? And it made you upset?"

His expression is coy and warm, all at once, and it's so Viktor, in how his brows scrunch, and how his lips purse, and how those golden eyes suddenly flick up, and look like honey in sunlight. He is uncertain, anxiously looking for any sign of anger or annoyance with the brief flickers of his gaze.

"You did not, heh, lose it. I stole it and made this for you."

Nestled in the middle of his palm, as he raises his creation, is a dark leather band, woven in an intricate, skilled manner, with the gear from their first experiment shining proudly in the middle. Some clasps keep it in place.

"I did not want you to lose it. I am sorry for the deception, but hopefully this makes up for it."

Viktor offers a sheepish smile and reaches his hand out so Jayce can take the given - and pilfered - object back to its rightful owner.

[astroluvr]

Request for Jack: Jack had a bad day at the studio and he comes home upset but one tickle fight later and he’s back to his regular self ;)

thanks for ur request! i changed it up a little, but i hope u enjoy!!

***

You were just getting into bed when Jack came home, planning on watching a movie until he got home to make sure he'd at least have a warm smile to walk into. As he came through the bedroom door, you could immediately see the weight of the day on his stature.

"Hi, babe. I was expecting you a little later." you watched him kick off his boots into the closet before shrugging. "Jack?"

"I sent everyone home. We weren't getting anywhere and there was no sense in staying there all night on my behalf."

"Do you want a massage?" you asked, feeling terrible for the man. "Jackman."

"I'm not trying to be an asshole, but I feel so bad about myself right now, so can I just shower and get into bed?"

You and Jack were always up front about your feelings when you could be, even if you didn't want to talk about it. It was important to communicate your emotions mutually to prevent leaving the other in the dark unnecessarily.

"Okay, can I help you?" he sighed and looked into your eyes with his weary ones before nodding. "Great. You take a shower and I'll make you some tea."

"Alright, baby." you stood up and rubbed his back.

By the time Jack was out of the shower, he was in a loose white shirt and a pair of shorts, trudging over to you where you had his tea cooling in his Winnie the Pooh mug, matching your Piglet one.

Jack cracked a smile when he saw it, and you grinned. "Oh, my God, was that a smile?"

He rolled his eyes and picked up the mug, falling in sync with your movements as you lifted it to your lips. "Thank you, Y/N."

"You're so welcome." you set your mug down, and Jack did the same.

He allowed you to shift him to the empty space on the counter and make him sit there.

"Even though," you said with a kiss on his forehead. *You should not, and I do mean not, talking about yourself like you're not doing a good enough job." between every few words, you smacked a kiss to his lips and made him blush.

"I can't help it."

"Wrong." you said sternly, holding his jaw. "If you had any right to feel bad about yourself, you wouldn't be as far as you are, Jack. There's bad days, and maybe this is one of them, but that does not define you as a person or an artist. When you walk into that studio, you should feel great about yourself because no matter how much or how little you walk out with, you have the dedication to try over and over to craft perfection. And how many people can say that?"

Jack bowed his head and sighed. "You're only saying that because you're my girlfriend."

"I don't even like you that much." you teased and you caught his dimple before he pursed his lips to hide it. "Look at me, Jack."

And when he did, he fell right into your trap. Your hands cupped both sides of his bearded face and you smacked kisses all over until he was gripping your wrists to pull you away. You became dedicated to getting a smile out of him, and you were rewarded with a belly laugh.

"Okay, okay!" he chuckled, causing you to take a couple of steps back to examine his face and you were happy to see you smile. "Alright, I get it."

"What do you get?"

"That I should take today in stride. That I'm a good artist who's allowed to have shitty days."

"Exactly." you cupped his face and Jack leaned in to give you a genuine kiss. "I love you, Jack. I really am upset you had a bad day today." you whispered and he shrugged.

"I love you more. And it's okay, you were right."

"Again." you murmured.

[custom-emojis]

hiii sorry it's angel again (✨). cel is taking a break because she feels bad so i'm fronting for a while. she's asleep in her room, no worries there.

we genuinely didn't mean to cause any harm and we feel so bad about all of this,,,, your blog comes across as really open and sincere so we felt safe asking for you specifically to make that. we associate the c*nf*derate flag with our dead grandfather and his side of the family at large,,,, and that's why it's so important to us and our identity. i didn't realize the (tw) sc*nec*re thing was an issue either and again i genuinely apologize for that- if there's anything we can do to make it up to you please let us know, we mean this from the bottom of our heart when we say all 483 of us take full responsibility for our actions. we only wanted a safe space and meant no harm but I understand if you're still upset.

i also wanted to mention that kitby was not a misspelling or related to anything bad!!! we're kitbygender!!! it's an identification with pink, cats, glitter, and lots of luv n happiness!!! all good things!!

we're not a troll and only wanted to request something for our private discord that made us happy. i'm sorry it was upsetting,,, to everyone involved. the other alters may drop by to apologize on our behalf as well, i know ochako and jimmy u (don't ask his source lol sorry,,,, he's a introject from a band and it might make things worse) feel really bad.

we'll most likely be taking a break from tumblr after all this to recollect and think about ourselves,,, and we hope you're well

✨- angel

I dont even know how to unpack all this. so im going to say this as gently as possible.

if you are white and your family is white then your grandpa was probably racist if toting around that flag

your possibly racist grandpa isnt a good reason to ask people to draw hate symbols

We try to make this a safe place. Drawing a confederate flag would likely make my blog feel UNSAFE to my black followers.

please don’t feel the need to come repeatedly apologize to me. i am a white Canadian, i am not personally victimized by this flag so all the apologies from you and others feel… odd?. ill extend your apology to all my followers who witnessed this instead.

i cannot believe this is something id ever need to say but im not touching a discussion like this again bc i really feel like none of this is my place ???

thank you for the clarification about Kitby though. i had no clue what that. means and we were all grasping for straws. im glad to hear that wasnt as bad as i thought but like. at the end of the day the confederate flag is still racist from everything ive been told and im still taking no part in this. i think you should reflect on why you associate racist symbols with your family and maybe try and uh… think of some better things to remember them.

[tendous-socks]

TOKYO REVENGERS HEADCANONS OF ME BEING NON BINARY / REACTING TO SOMEONE BEING NON BINARY

tw: ⚠️⚠️kisaki⚠️⚠️ and manga spoilers, mentions of death, transphobia,

would misgender and dead-name me

1.kisaki.

must i need an explanation?😐

2. shion

“ what’re you gonna do about it?? HUH?? WHAT’RE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT ???”

actively looks for a fight

… if y’all are in a relationship he’d still call you his “girl” but beats people up for doing so….

3. mucho

i get the vibes that he’s traditional

would silently stare in judgment

4. mochi

he just doesn’t care clslfkxkslk

thinks it’s weird

“ nor/mal”

7. rindou..

“you either have a pen or a vag. “

8.ran

“interesting”

*continues dead naming me*

9. KOKO

he would be nicer about it when he’s in toman due to inui… but once they’re separated- an ABSOLUTE MEANCE

… reluctantly apart of the protection squad with inui ( enjoys beating people up tho)

10. bontent mikey

… he’s just so tired and doesn’t really care ) that is if you’re not close with him… but then again how close can you really get?)

11. ) PAH CHIN

AND ONLY BECAUSE HE WAS IGNORANT AND HIS FATHER DIDN BELIEVE IN THAT STUFF AND HE DIDNT KNOW BUT THEN ( if y’all are close ) HE’D FEEL BAD AND AFTER YOU EXPLAINED IT TO HIM HE TOLD PEH CHIN TOO AND WERE SURPRISINGLY SUPPORTIVE

but if y’all ain’t close he would slowly get the hint… this is canon.

because i said so-

11. sanzu…

he’s quietly judging you

EDIT

SOMEONE SAID SANZU WOULD USE ANY PRONOUNS AND I REALLY LIKE THAT HC-

SO SANZU WOULD PROBABLY JUST ‘ SILENTLY JUDGE YOU’ SO OTHERS DONT CATCH ON MHMHM

12. akashi

traditional- plus it was a different era for him growing up so…

(would glare at someone if he really did see you getting emotionally distressed)

13. smiley

“ that’s one of the most stupidest shit ive ever fucking heard 😁”

.🙁

“ you either have tits or a dick “

.☹️

but would beat people up if you get SUPER upset ( call it his protect instincts with angry, but would send people to the hospital)

14. taiju

“ i wanna church girl who goes to church and reads her bible “

would spit at me

- WHO WOULD BEAT SOMEONE UP FOR DEAD-NAMING / MISGENDERING

1. PAH CHIN AND PEH YAN

THEYRE ABSOLUTE MENACES TO SOCIETY IF SOMEONE CALLS YOU A GIRL / BOY

head canon : during tenjiku you were there and had to adjust your transtape cause it was coming lose 🙄

which is literally the most annoying thing in the world-

and shion saw you.

he came up and was like “ HUH WHAT’VE WE GOT HERE?? A GIRL PRETENDING TO BE A G-“

couldn’t even finish his sentence with how fast peh chin clocked his ass 🤭

( peh yan supremacy)

2. my main man takemichy

no explanation needed ( maybe deadnamed you only once cause he didn’t know)

3. inui cause i said so

5. BAJI BAJI

BAJI WOULD ALMOST KILL A DUDE FOR CALLING YOU YOUR DEAD NAME

i KNOW mama baji raised him right ✋🙄

almost clocked chifuyu when you told him about your first encounter kcksldofospdoco

almost clocked your mom when she said “you got it girlfriend”

she was confused when she saw you desperately trying to prevent the next criminal minds episode

best listener for body dystrophia fight me 🙉❤️

6. senju

*comes out*

“..oh okay! anyways as i was saying [preferred name] “

would need some gentle reminders only once or twice cause i will say it does take a bit of time for people to get used to it and there are always a few slip ups

tells akashi about your pronouns ( ONLY WITH YOUR CONSENT OFC)

( promises to try and be more girly if he calls you by them and your preferred name)

she wants you to go into more details about what you’re feeling cause she’s genuinely very interested about everything and she wants to know more about you.

7. emma 😻 vv supportive 🙌🙌

*sicks mikey and draken out on anyone who hurts your feelings

“you know [blah blah blah] from history?”

“of course yeah “

“yeah he ended up calling me slur during class- what’re you doing?”

*emma pulling out her phone

“hm? oh nothing don’t worry about it”

gave more insight about it to draken and mikey

8. HINA

YALL SAW HOW SHE SLAPPED MIKEY-

THIS GIRL WOULD D R A G A BITCH BY THEIR HAIR IF SHE SAW THEM BULLYING YOU

the one of correct takemichy

9. yuzuha

hina but 10x worse

trips transphobes for shit and giggles 🤪🤞

i like to think that the girls (all 4) would just all stare down a girl who was shit talking you and just pick her apart mercilessly ( a little ooc but this is my head canons so they can be whatever i say they are)

ones idk about

1. mikey

he knows that you can handle yourself so he lets you correct people.

or

sometimes he’ll jump in and correct them instead for one of two reasons.

1. he felt like it

2. they kept calling you your dead name and misgendering you EVEN THOUGH you already corrected them

but if the person ACTIVELY does that and says some… not so fruity things. he’ll send em to the hospital and end up on life support 😌☝️

like dom tertto, he cares about his family. and toman is his family, and you’re in toman ( not THAT kind of y/n way 🙄 )

“ BE WHO YOU AREE🌈🌈🌈🌈🤪🤞🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈”

1. draken

… listen… idk why, but i just don’t SEE him beating people up for misgendering me… well okay i kinda see it,

but he’d be like, “ i don’t understand what you’re going through, but i support you and if you want to talk about it i’m here”

wants to try and understand so like i said before, he lets you rant about what you’re feeling

would let you handle your own battles cause your strong enough to

a true king 😎🙌

does in fact throw punches when it gets REALLY BAD

2. angry

… idk h o w empathic he is and how mad he’d have to be on your behalf when people actively kept misgendering you to become the blue ogre.

but he’d just start crying at the confrontation.. 😐

my hero ig 🤥

3. izana

“ that’s fucking stupid”

*beats up middle aged woman who said for you to “ have a good day ma’am”

but if y’all close he’ll only say it’s stupid once when he sees you genuinely upset and ignoring him

“ be who you are.. 🌈”

4. kaku

same boat as izana, A LOT less judgmental

5. mitsuya

won’t hesitate to send a bitch flying

actively corrects people

( teaches luna and mana about your pronouns for the next time you come over 🕺🏻)

TAKES YOU SHOPPING FOR CLOTHES

6. haitani brothers

*actively bullies you

*bullies kid into the grave for looking at your chest area

7. …hakkai

he accidentally slipped up once🤒

WHEN I SAY THIS MANS FACE WENT PALE- HE DIDNT TALK TO YOU FOR A W E E K MINIUM CAUSE HE FELT SO BAD

YOU KEPT TELLING HIM THAT ITS FINE-

BUT HE FELT AWFUL

( has nightmares about it)

8. chifuyu would only do it in his mohawk era cause he wanted to seem metal and impress da boys 🥶🥶☝️☝️

pulled you aside at the end of the day to apologize

( like i said before, baji almost clocked him when you told him about your first encounter )

who am i kidding they’re all in gangs, they’d probably kill someone if they hurt you cospwpfoslief

——————

IF YALL GOT ANYMORE IDEAS LMK CAUSE IM INVESTED IN YHIS AND WANNA HEAR WHAT YALL THINK

[littleoddwriter]

I love your writing! I was wondering if you could write Jesse, Asa, and poly Ghostface with and autistic gender neutral partner please.

Slashers x Autistic!GenderNeutral!Reader | Headcanons

Thank you so much for the request and compliment, I'm glad you enjoy my writing. :) I really hope you'll like these Headcanons! [Fortunately, I'm 98% sure I'm autistic, on top of having BPD, which has great overlaps with Autism anyway, so I've done lots of research over the past years and yeah- I'm just saying that I am definitely not unfamiliar with it and I hope I did an alright job! I focused on certain aspects that I know pretty much every autistic person experiences to some extent at least and that I'm personally familiar with as is. <3]

notes; GenderNeutral!Reader; Stimming; Meltdowns; Sensory Overload; Special Interests & Infodumping; Routines; Semi-Verbal; Asa is autistic, too; Stu has ADHD; Dealing with Difficulties in Social Situations; Implied/Referenced Self-Harm (unintentional); Implied/Referenced Ableism; Implied Murder; Poly-Amorous Relationship.

Characters: Asa Emory/The Collector; Billy Loomis; Stu Macher; Jesse Cromeans/Chromeskull.

Asa Emory/The Collector

With Asa you’re lucky, since he’s autistic, too – so whenever you talk about your special interests, he’s not only listening attentively and engaging in an actual conversation with you; he also goes on about his own afterwards!

In addition, it was such a relief to not be forced to mask around him at all, and it was only later that you realised just how much less exhausted you were at the end of every day then

He obviously understands all the struggles you face better than anyone, and while it’s not all exactly the same for him, he can sympathise with you and help you out, just like you do with him

If you suffer from sensory overload, he knows exactly what to do – he turns off all lights, gets out your noise cancelling headphones and stim toys you might rather have instead of hurting yourself with more extreme stims you have at times like this

He handles your meltdowns really well, too – he always lets you ride them out and makes sure you know that you’re not alone and that he’s here for you

Some days you might not talk at all, and he couldn’t care less – he knows what it’s like, he is semi-verbal as is – and so you two have come up with a system to let each other know what’s going on; and you have prepared cards for more mundane things, while you otherwise resort to texting each other about more important and unique things

On the other hand, you also can’t shut up sometimes and generally he is okay with it; he actually enjoys the things you tell him, but when he needs to focus on his work it can be a bit distracting of course – still, he never holds it against you – he just tells you to be quiet and talk to him later, and you understand it; so it’s fine

The two of you also have a whole box full of different stim toys you both use, and it makes you incredibly happy to have a shared collection of them with your love – it’s almost strangely romantic

Since you’re both autistic, it was super easy to come up with routines that work really well for either of you when you moved in together – that way you never get in each other’s ways or upset one another

Billy Loomis & Stu Macher

Stu has ADHD, so he understands you better than Billy does in this department, but they both put in a lot of effort in knowing what boundaries you have, what they’re supposed to do in which situations, what you struggle with most, etc. – They’re happy to make accommodations for you

Sometimes Stu’s current hyperfixation is something in the realm of one of your special interests and so you just talk back and forth about it for hours, which can drive Billy a little insane, but he secretly loves just how passionate you two get, while he’s just sitting between you two and watching you go on about topic XYZ

If anyone at school or college thinks they have the right to mock you and these two witness it, or you tell them about it, you can be certain to not see that person ever again

They never make you feel weird or embarrassed about your stims, interests, or specific ways to do things – it’s who you are and they love everything about you, especially the things that others usually didn’t

Just like Asa, they are ready to help you out and provide for you, when you’re suffering from intense sensory overload – you’ve walked them through what is best for you in such situations and they’re really good at following what you said

Meltdowns, too – you’re never made to feel ashamed; they never treat you any differently and just let you ride it all out, as they comfort you afterwards and tell you that it’s alright

Even though they’re both very social, they never force you into situations you’re uncomfortable with and make sure you’re okay whenever you do come along to house parties, or meeting with several people at once – if you need to leave, they’ll go with you and comfort you if needed

Jesse Cromeans/Chromeskull

You tell him that you’re autistic pretty early on, and while he didn’t know too much beforehand, he does his research and lets you tell him how it affects you, etc.

He is incredible, really – he lets you infodump about your interests and engages in it via signing or texting you what he thinks; he is genuinely interested in whatever you have to say and admires your passion and the way your entire face lights up when you get to talk about something so important to you

He might not understand your sensory issues entirely, but he doesn’t judge you for them either – he gladly accommodates you in whatever way you need

He buys you stim toys you’ve been eyeing, but couldn’t afford by yourself; and he generally doesn’t make you feel bad about your stims and behaviours

In case you tell him about the ableist things people have told you before, and how they might have mocked you for things you can’t help, he gets angry on your behalf (he may target some of these people next, too – just for good measure)

If you happen to have a meltdown in his presence, he makes sure to not agitate you more; instead he assures you of his presence and comforts you when you need it – if you’re okay with cuddles and kisses, he’ll primarily use those to calm you down when the worst is over

He never gets in the way of your routines and always makes certain you can pursue them properly – he doesn’t want to cause you any distress

Whenever you may lash out because of sensory overload, he doesn’t take it personally or get mad at you; instead he asks what is causing the overload and accommodates you – especially in public; he’ll remove you from wherever you may be at that moment and comforts you to help you come down from it

[queenshelby]

The Singer – Part Three

Pairing: Cillian Murphy x Reader

Words: 7,970

Warning: Smut, Some Swearing, Age Gap

--------

***Raising Suspicions***

Kurt was quick to tell Amanda about his suspicions. He was sure that Cillian and you were involved after he’s seen Cillian’s watch at your apartment, lying on his study desk along with an empty condom wrapper.

He wasn’t surprised, knowing very well that you preferred older partners and that he was the exception all along. But Amanda didn’t buy into his suspicions.

‘Common Kurt, you are being ridiculous. Cillian wouldn’t be interested in Y/N’ Amanda said, but Kurt simply raised an eyebrow at Amanda’s comment.

According to Amanda, you weren’t Cillian’s type. You were too young and too outspoken. In addition, she explained to Kurt that Cillian wouldn’t like your tattoos, piercings and your involvement on social media. You were completely different to Amanda, not just physically but also mentally. You were an extrovert whereas Amanda was an introvert. She was mostly quiet and reserved whereas you were loud and direct.

Despite Amanda’s comments, Kurt didn’t back down and eventually confronted Cillian when they were on their own.

‘Are you fucking my girlfriend?’ Kurt asked Cillian out of the blue.

‘Excuse me?’ Cillian responded somewhat flustered by Kurt’s question.

‘It’s a simple question Cillian. Are you fucking my girlfriend? Yes or no?’ Kurt asked again angrily, starring at Cillian’s watch again.

‘Did someone spike your coffee this morning or something?’ Cillian asked somewhat annoyed, making Kurt sound absurd.

‘Alright, don’t fucking answer my question then but, just so you know, since you are always trying so hard to stay out of the tabloids, it would look really fucking bad if you left Amanda for a woman half your age’ Kurt went on to say, catching Cillian by surprise.

‘You have issues man’ Cillian said angrily before walking away from the conversation, getting on with the things he had to do for the arts and music festival.  

Despite Cillian’s immediate reaction to Kurt’s question, Kurt’s comments didn’t leave Cillian’s mind for the remainder of the day.

Of course, it would be bad if he was involved with someone half his age, especially shortly after separating from Amanda which was something that wasn’t even public knowledge yet and it was exactly this what made Cillian think about whether he should continue seeing you.

With these thoughts on his mind, he became rather distant over the next few days, not returning your calls and messages, only engaging into conversations with you when he absolutely had to.

You were frustrated by his behaviour and the least you were expecting from him was that he would talk with you about what happened between you. If he believed it was a mistake that you slept with each other, then you wanted to know.

Eventually, a week had passed and nothing had changed.

***New Woman***

After having been upset and frustrated with Cillian and Kurt, you’ve given up on men all together and, on a Thursday evening, your closest friend Emily and her fiancée Judy took you out to a LGBT friendly bar in Dublin.

It was cocktail night and Judy introduced you to a friend of hers named Kirsten. Kirsten was a local Dublin artist and photographer and you got on with her quite well immediately.

You spent the entire evening talking and dancing and you eventually had a few too many drinks and left the bar together with Kirsten.

Sharing a taxi together, you got quite comfortable on the backseats and things eventually got heated between you and Kirsten when Kirsten leaned in and kissed you passionately while running one of her hands between your thighs.

Her lips were soft and smelled like strawberries from the lip gloss she was wearing and you couldn’t resist but give into the kiss on the backseat of the taxi.

‘Did you want to come to my place?’ Kirsten asked when your lips drifted apart.

‘I probably shouldn’t…I have been making a few mistakes lately’ you whispered, knowing that Kirsten was, in fact, in a relationship with someone else.

‘It could stay our little secret you know’ Kirsten smirked but, despite the large amount of alcohol you had to drink, you shook your head.

‘Listen, you are gorgeous but I don’t do one-night stands, I am sorry. Perhaps we will meet again under different circumstances’ you said with a tender smile before allowing Kirsten to kiss you once more just before the taxi driver pulled up in front of her apartment.

After a short final kiss, Kirsten got out of the taxi and walked into her apartment while you remained sitting, asking the taxi driver to take you home.

When you got home, you quickly undressed and let yourself fall onto your soft and large vintage style bed which is where you remained fast asleep until 8 o’clock the following morning.

At 8 o’clock, your phone beeped and it was text message from your sister with a link to one of the bar’s patron’s Twitter Accounts…

******************************

“New Relationship for Y/N L/N with sexy Dublin artist Kirsten Lang??? It looks like Kurt Spencer is finally out of the picture”

*******************************

This was a nightmare, you thought. The last thing you needed was false information being out there about you while you were still dealing with your break up from Kurt and all you could think about was Cillian.

But, there was nothing you could do about it and, after digesting the news, you had a shower and got ready for another day of organising this arts and music festival.

When you arrived at the usual meeting spot, everyone had already seen the Twitter post and Kurt immediately gave you a serving about it, asking you why he wasn’t invited for a threesome with your lesbian friend.

‘Fuck off’ was all you managed to respond with. Still hungover and angry about the Twitter post, the last thing you needed was Kurt making a comment like this.

With your coffee in your hand, you eventually sat down next to Cillian who looked at you with a half grin on his face. His eyes were full of questions but he didn’t say anything at all.

‘What?’ you asked, annoyed by the way he looked at you.

‘Are you alright?’ Cillian asked concerned.

‘No, I am not fucking alright, ok? I am sick of this shit’ you said with frustration as you scrolled through the Twitter comments.

‘You need to be more careful about who you hook up with in public. Trust me, I speak from experience’ Cillian chuckled, referring to that one night a few years ago where he was caught by cameras having a night out with one of his female co-stars. The incident caused his first major fight and break up with Amanda until it became public that Cillian and his female co-star were, in fact, accompanied by his co-star’s boyfriend and several other members of the film crew.

‘Well thanks for the advice’ you said angrily, still unsure why he cared.

‘Was it worth it at least?’ Cillian asked carefully, trying to figure out whether anything happened between you and Kirsten  

‘Nothing happened. We just kissed. So no, it wasn’t fucking worth it’ you said. You couldn’t help but chuckle yourself knowing how idiotic this all was.

‘You’ve got two choices here. Either, you set the record straight or you let it go Y/N’ Cillian said calmly, feeling genuinely sorry for you.

‘What would you do in my situation?’ you asked.

‘I’ve learned not to give a shit about gossip like this over the years. Personally, I would let it slide. But I can see that it bothers you, so get your manager to make a statement on your behalf or, like you young people do, make a statement yourself on this platform with the bird on it which I think is where the rumours are coming from, right?’ Cillian recommended with a warm smile.

‘What Twitter?’ you laughed.

‘Yeah. Or you can use whatever social media platform you young artists use these days’ Cillian suggested.

‘Good idea old man. I will make a tweet’ you laughed. ‘But tell me, if you don’t use Twitter, how did you know about it in the first place?’ you went on and asked.

‘Kurt has a big mouth’ Cillian chuckled.

‘Of course’ you sighed.

After the initial Twitter drama, your day working with Cillian went exceptionally well and you felt much better after setting the record straight on Twitter, having your followers and fans interact on your post and offering their support.

You finished up after about five hours, ready to head back home in order to have a lazy evening.

‘Do you want a lift back home?’ Cillian asked after you indicated that you would be leaving and were ready to catch up on some sleep. You had told Cillian earlier that your car was still with the mechanics and he could see the tiredness on your face.

‘No thanks, I will walk’ you said despite the fact that you were tired and walking was the last thing on your mind. You were trying to spend as little time as possible with Cillian.

Cillian nodded and, just like this, you were out of the door.

‘You know, if you like her, perhaps just tell her’ Janine, the administration assistant, said to Cillian after having observed his interactions with you for the past few weeks.

‘Excuse me?’ Cillian asked surprised and with a slight chuckle.

‘It’s obvious that you like her. Just as it is obvious that you touched the damn printer again last week even after I told you not to’ she then went on to say.

‘I am sorry about the printer’ Cillian chuckled.

‘Sure you are’ she laughed before walking off.

***Change of Mind***

Unfortunately for you, the following day, which was also going to be the last day of working with Cillian and some others on the festival preparations, was going to be even worse than the last.

You barely made it to the office on time again, not having had much sleep again. You were on to your third cup of coffee and had been taking pain killers all night.

‘Fuck Y/N, you look awful. Are you alright?’ Cillian said as you sat down next to him and, over at the copier station, he could see Janine shake her head in disbelieve. He just told the woman he liked that she looks awful. He was a hopeless case she thought.

‘Oh, thanks Cillian. That makes me feel better’ you chuckled as you took a sip from your large cup of coffee and popped yet another two tablets of paracetamol.

‘Sorry, I didn’t mean it this way. You just look unwell’ Cillian said shyly, looking over to Janine for guidance. She nodded in approval.

‘I am fine. It’s just the time of the month’ you responded quietly and with some embarrassment.

‘What do you mean?’ Cillian asked with some confusion.

‘She means that she’s got her period Cillian’ Janine chuckled from behind before walking off.

‘Right. Of course’ Cillian said, his cheeks starting to flush. ‘Why didn’t you just stay at home if you are unwell?’ he went on to ask.

‘Because my apartment won’t have any electricity until 8pm. They are finally fixing the central heating system’ you explained.

‘Bad timing’ he responded.

‘I know. I will go to my sister’s later for dinner. Although I don’t really feel like it. She’s got two young kids who are quite a hand full and all I want to really do is chill and watch Netflix’ you whined.

‘Well, if you want to, you can come over to my place. No kids there and we could get some food, watch a movie and then I will drive you home once the electricians have left’ Cillian suggested.  

‘Do you actually mean that or is this a “come up for tap water” type of situation?’ you asked causing Cillian to laugh.

‘You just said you have your period so it’s defiantly not a “come to my house for some tap water” type situation’ Cillian chuckled.

‘Believe it or not, some guys are into that. It’s just that I am not’ you giggled, causing Cillian to raise his eyebrows.

‘I can assure you that I am not one of those guys. Just a movie and some food, alright?’ Cillian laughed and you nodded, knowing that this would be a mistake but you much preferred a quiet evening with Cillian than a loud evening with your nephews while you were battling your period pains.

Just as promised, after a long day, Cillian took you home with him after you cancelled on your sister.

He dropped you at his house first, showing you how the TV works, before leaving you there on your own for half an hour so that he could organise some food for you as his fridge was usually empty now that Amanda had finally moved out.

While he was gone, you looked around the living area and you noticed that all pictures of Amanda and Cillian had gone. He clearly had moved on.

Eventually, you lied down on the lounge, watching TV and it wasn’t long until Cillian returned with two large shopping bags and it looked to you like he was going to cook for you.

‘When you said food, I expected pizza or chinese take away’ you said surprised before telling him that no man had ever cooked you dinner before and you were delighted by his efforts.

‘Nah, I enjoy cooking’ Cillian said with a warm smile as he continued to unpack the grocery bags.

Amongst ingredients for risotto, he also bought a caramel fudge ice cream, a bottle of wine, a hot water bottle and very warm ruby red socks.

‘Please explain’ you giggled as you held up the socks.

‘The last time we watched a movie together, in your bed, you had your feet wedged between my lower thighs because they were cold’ Cillian laughed before running his thumb over your cheeks and then pulling away, realising that he might have overstepped the line once again.

‘Thank you, you are very observant’ you said, feeling the want to kiss him but holding back.

‘How about you have bath while I do this’ Cillian then suggested and your eyes lid up. Your apartment didn’t have a bathtub but you also didn’t see a bathtub in the bathroom you used the last time when you came to Cillian’s house.

‘I feel bad. I should really help you’ you then said, feeling guilty that Cillian was doing all the work.

‘There is no need Y/N. Common, I will run you a bath’ Cillian said before showing you the way upstairs to his bedroom.

‘You’ve got nice taste’ you said as you looked around his bedroom and observed the quite obviously new furniture and artwork.

‘Thanks’ Cillian chuckled as he grabbed a fluffy white towel from the large cabinet inside his walk in-wardrobe.

The entire bedroom was furnished with modern wooden furniture and only a little decoration. Over the bed there was a large painting of a landscape in France and the bedside lamps were almost contemporary or vintage.

Across from the large king size bed was a spa bath and, behind a nook, there was the rest of the bathroom. The entire area could be closed by a large sliding door or could be left open if you wanted to watch TV.

You watched Cillian put some bubble bath into the tub and then turn on the water before changing the lightening and handing you the towel, a t-shirt and your brand-new fluffy socks.

‘I will be downstairs alright?’ he said with a warm smile and you nodded shyly.

You got undressed as soon as he left the room and sank into the hot water. It was delightful but you wished he would have joined you for the bath.

He was very different from Kurt, caring and romantic and you wished that he would let you in, give you chance.

After your bath, you returned downstairs wearing nothing but the t-shirt Cillian had given you, your panties and the red fluffy socks.

‘This was so nice’ you said as the pain in your stomach had decreased. ‘And this smells so good’ you added as you looked what Cillian was cooking.

‘Before I put all this chilli in there, do you like spicy food?’ Cillian asked as you stood next to him, closely watching what he was doing.

‘I love spicy food so bring it on’ you giggled, giving Cillian a big smile.

***Return of Romance***

After you both ate dinner and cleaned up the dishes, Cillian had a quick shower before sitting down next to you on the lounge in a t-shirt and trackpants.

‘Still bad?’ Cillian asked as he observed you holding your stomach.

‘Yeah, it usually lasts a day or two’ you said and, without asking, Cillian got up and boiled the kettle.

Moments later, he returned with the hot water bottle he had purchased and placed it onto your stomach before indicating to you to lie down on the lounge and pick a movie.

‘Seriously? You let me pick a movie again?’ you asked as Cillian sat down next to you.

‘I know I might regret this but yeah’ Cillian chuckled just as you put one of the small lounge pillows onto his laps and rested your head on top of it.

Cillian’s hands soon found your hair and ran his fingers through it gently while you searched through Netflix.

‘Please, no’ Cillian chuckled as you stopped at Pretty Woman and cheekily pressed play.

It was your favourite movie and Cillian already regretted giving you the remote control.

About ten minutes into the movie, you shared some ice cream and then you sat up next to him, curling up against his chest watching Julia Roberts seducing Richard Gere.

You were still in pain and Cillian noticed, his hand rubbing against your lower back gently while you held onto your hot water bottle.

‘Are you alright?’ he whispered while you took in the scent of his aftershave.

‘Hmm, yeah this is nice’ you murmured, referring to Cillian’s hand massaging your lower back gently.

‘I am glad that I am not a woman’ Cillian chuckled just before he moved some of your hair out of your face which was when you looked up at him, starring into his deep blue eyes yet again while Richard Gere was taking Julia Roberts over the piano.

‘I always wanted to do this…on a piano’ you said quietly, causing Cillian to chuckle again but then lean forward, pressing his lips onto yours gently.

You loved the feeling of his soft lips on yours and gave into the kiss which was long, gentle and passionate.

Then your lips drifted apart and you looked at each other full of questions before they met again, this time more intense than before, your tongues meeting and moving in sync.

‘I missed this’ Cillian whispered as your lips drifted apart, his hands caressing your face gently.

‘So did I’ you said quietly before wanting more, kissing Cillian again, not getting enough of his sweet lips.

You spent the remainder of the movie curled up against each other, touching each other and kissing each other until, finally, Richard Gere climbed up Julia Robert’s balcony ladder with a bunch of flowers, admitting his love to her.

‘God that is so damn romantic’ you said as your eyes began to water, Cillian looking at you somewhat confused.

‘If you say so’ he chuckled before giving you another kiss and taking the ice cream bowls to the dishwasher.

‘I should probably get home soon Cilly, I am pretty tired’ you said as you got up, following him to the kitchen but not really wanting to leave.

‘You can stay the night if you want’ Cillian said, his hands on your hips, pulling you close for another kiss.

You nodded shyly before asking him whether he would give your lower back another rub. No one had ever done this for you before and it felt amazing, taking away some of the awful pain.

‘I could give you a massage in bed’ he smirked, causing you to look at him with some confusion.

‘Are you being cheeky?’ you asked, thinking that he intends to get kinky with you which was not what you were after while on your period.

‘No, I am serious’ Cillian said before kissing you again briefly. ‘Let me show you what these hands can do’ he winked, causing you to laugh and follow him upstairs to his bedroom.

As soon as you arrived at the front of Cillian’s large bed, you were quick to take off your t-shirt and climb on the bed, wearing nothing but your cotton panties and warm socks.

Cillian momentarily disappeared, getting some sort of body lotion from beneath the sink.

‘That should work I guess’ he said before he climbed onto the bed with you, his eyes gazing over your mostly naked body for a minute before he squirted some of the cold lotion onto your back.

His hands were magic, working your upper back and then your lower back gently before he leaned down, trailing small kisses at the back of your neck.

Goosebumps were forming all over your skin and you wished that you didn’t have your period as, otherwise, you would have turned around and make him take you on his large and comfortable bed.

Eventually, after Cillian had massaged your back for almost 20 minutes, you turned around to face him, relaxed and even somewhat sleepy.

‘Fuck that felt good’ you giggled just before Cillian took off his t-shirt and tracksuit pants and lied down next to you, quickly throwing the large doona over you both in the hope that you wouldn’t notice his raging erection.

‘Feeling a little better?’ he asked and you nodded before thanking him for taking care of you.

‘You know I could help you with that?’ you smirked as you reached for his crotch, noticing how hard he was.

‘Not tonight’ Cillian said as he pushed your hand away gently, knowing that you were probably still in pain. But, none of this prevented him from pulling you closer towards him for more gentle kisses until, eventually, you curled up against his chest, listening to his heartbeat.

‘Cillian?’ you murmured, looking up into his deep blue eyes once again.

‘Hmm’ he responded with a warm smile, his fingers running through your hair gently.

‘What is this between us?’ you wanted to know.

‘I don’t know. All I know is that I can’t stay away from you no matter how hard I try’ he responded, his tone soft and warm.

‘Then stop trying. I mean, why are you trying anyway?’ you chuckled as you continued to look up at him while playing with his chest hair.

‘For so many fucking reasons Y/N’ he responded.

‘Like what?’ you asked.

‘For starters, you are twenty years younger than me’ he explained and you knew that the age gap between you had been an issue for Cillian.

‘So? You know I prefer older men’ you reassured him.

‘I’ve seen the shit you went through with your ex-girlfriend. This is going to be worse and I know much bad press bothers you’ he explained, remembering reading the tabloids when your first long term relationship broke down.

‘I am willing to take my chances. What else?’ you asked.

‘We both just came out of failed relationships. I don’t think it’s smart to start dating again so soon’ Cillian said concerned.

‘Listen Cillian, I don’t expect to be your girlfriend or us going public. At the moment, you keep pushing me away every time we get closer and I wonder if we could just give this a chance. Let’s just keep it between us and see where it goes’ you suggested.

‘I would like that’ he then said before giving you another few kisses and turning off the light.

You were still curled up against Cillian and could feel the heat radiate from his body when you drifted off to sleep. Usually, you hated sleeping in other people’s beds but, that night, you felt comfortable and safe.

No one had ever treated you so well and you were happy with where you and Cillian were at and how far you had come after all the ups and downs.

You also remembered your relationship with Kurt. Being with Cillian was all so different to what you knew. It made you realise what you had missed out on.

You slept well through the night with Cillian holding you tight but, the following morning, you were woken up by an uncomfortable feeling beneath you.

You were quite vigilant when it came to your period and when you felt something sticky on your upper thigh, you got disturbed.

Woken by the unfamiliar feeling, your eyes drifted open slowly and you looked up. It was getting light outside which was when it clicked.

You remembered that you should probably have changed your tampon again before going to sleep and your heart began to pound heavily.

Feeling you wiggle around and moving the doona to the side, Cillian was slowly waking up himself, his arm falling over to the side searching for you.

But, you had scooted up and out of the bed which is when you noticed the two small blood stains on your upper thigh.

You quickly ran to the bathroom to wash them off and change what had to be changed but you knew what this meant.

You probably had gotten some stains onto Cillian’s sheet sheets as well and you weren’t ready to face this embarrassment.

‘What’s wrong Y/N?’ Cillian murmured as you returned from the bathroom.

‘I…I think…’ was all you managed to say as you pulled aside the doona and, as you had feared, noticed a small blood stain not only on the sheets but also on Cillian’s upper thigh, which was caught up in between your legs all night when you were sleeping.

You immediately began to shake nervously, feeling embarrassed by what had just happened.

‘Hey Y/N, what’s wrong?’ Cillian asked as he held out one of his hands, indicating for you to come back to bed as he was surprised by your reaction.

‘I am sorry Cillian but I think I stained your sheets and there is some on your thigh…I am so fucking sorry’ you said almost hysterical.

Cillian looked down at his thigh and the sheets for a brief moment, unsure about what the problem was until he noticed the blood stains.

‘So? I will wash the sheets and have a shower, who cares’ Cillian said with a raised eyebrow before pulling you onto him.

‘That’s so embarrassing’ you said but Cillian disagreed.

‘No, it’s natural. Don’t worry about it’ he said before kissing you passionately and you were surprised that he wasn’t bothered in the slightest. Kurt would have made a massive scene if you had ruined his fine cotton sheets like that.

As you were making out, sharing several kisses while grinding your bodies against each other to get some traction, you suddenly heard a loud female voice coming from the doorway.

‘You are fucking kidding me’ Amanda said loudly and in disbelieved as she saw you on top of Cillian half naked by that point.

‘Holy Fuck’ you shouted before quickly scooting beneath the doona.

‘What the hell are you doing here?’ Cillian asked somewhat angrily about the fact that she had just entered his house unannounced before getting up and pulling a t-shirt over his head.

‘Getting the last of my stuff. I told you I would come by over the weekend to grab it’ Amanda explained angrily.

‘Yes, and I would have expected you to use the fucking doorbell when you do’ Cillian said firmly before walking downstairs with her.

‘I cannot believe that Kurt was actually right’ Amanda said almost hysterical and you could hear her and Cillian argue from the bedroom.

‘Right about what?’ Cillian asked.

‘That you are fucking her. God that’s so disgusting, you know that? She is almost half your age…trading me in for a younger model, that’s something I never expected’ Amanda said with anger.

‘I didn’t trade you in for anyone Amanda. We broke up because you couldn’t get over your fucking jealousy’ Cillian explained.

‘Well, it was warranted it seems’ Amanda said.

‘I never fucking cheated on you’ Cillian yelled and it was at this point that Amanda began to shout, calling you and Cillian names.

Eventually, Cillian kicked Amanda out of his house and immediately called a locksmith before driving you home.

***First Date***

You didn’t expect to hear from Cillian for the remainder of the day, especially in light of what happened with Amanda and the fact that he told you last night that he wasn’t sure where this was going between you. But, to your surprise, at around 2 o’clock you received a call from him.

During the call, Cillian asked whether you felt like going for dinner with him at restaurant near your house.

Was this a date, you wondered? It sure sounded like a date. If it was a date, did it mean that he no longer cared about the implications he was concerned about previously after your talk last night?

You sure wanted to find out and accepted Cillian’s offer to take you for dinner and he picked you up at 6 o’clock, nice and early so that you had enough time to watch a movie at your place afterwards.

The restaurant was rather busy and Cillian had booked a nice booth in the corner, giving you some privacy.

He ordered a bottle of wine while you looked through the menu for some tapas to share. You enjoyed the same type of food and it was easy for you to agree on the dishes.

‘So, is this a date?’ you asked Cillian after the waitress had taken your order.

‘I suppose’ he chuckled before he took your hands into his, sharing a tender moment with you.

‘Good, because I was worried that our run in with Amanda this morning put you off a little. I’ve heard what she said to you’ you said quietly, knowing about Cillian’s reluctance when it came to dating you, a woman twenty years his junior.

‘If anything, it made me care even less about the reservations I have about us’ Cillian explained.

‘Well, hopefully, those reservations will disappear completely when you realise how awesome I am’ you joked just before the waitress brought out the first dish.

You enjoyed your dinner and wine despite the fact that a group of girls on a table nearby were watching you. You tried hard not to care, but the giggling and whispering bothered you more than it would usually have when you were out with someone else.

Eventually, one of the women from the table came over just as you and Cillian were about to leave, asking Cillian for photo which he declined politely.

The restaurant was only a short stroll from your apartment and you were ready to get your comfortable clothes on and watch a movie with Cillian.

Shortly after you arrived at your apartment, you got changed into a nightie, poured two glasses of wine and asked Cillian whether he could get the lighter from the top draw of your bedside table so that you could light some candles.

As you put the two glasses of wine onto your coffee table, you heard a loud buzzing coming from besides your bed and you recognised the sound immediately.

‘Cillian!’ you shouted as you watched Cillian play with one of your vibrators, a big grin running over his face.

‘Give it here. I said top draw, not bottom draw’ you chuckled as you took the vibrator out of his hand.

‘How does it work? It clearly won’t fit inside you’ he asked curiously, his grin getting bigger.

‘It’s called a wand and it is for clitoral stimulation only. I actually never used it because it’s too intense. My sister talked me into it, saying it’s the best thing ever. But I don’t know’ you explained, your face flushing with embarrassment.

‘Sounds interesting’ Cillian chuckled, which is when you noticed that Cillian had already lid the candles on your beside table.

‘Not really’ you said before you shuffed the vibrator back into the draw and, just as you came up, Cillian crashed his lips onto yours.

‘There are other things I’ve found in your draw’ Cillian said after your lips drifted apart and before he reached for the handcuffs and satin blindfold in your bedside table and threw them onto your bed.

‘Cillian, remember, I’ve got my period’ you giggled just as Cillian pulled your nightie over your head, leaving you in nothing but your panties.

‘I am aware. Just let me make you feel good’ he said, grinning again before pushing you onto the bed and hoovering over you.

‘Cillian, I am serious’ you giggled, his teeth grazing your neck gently.

‘Don’t worry, your panties are staying on and I promise that I won’t touch you down there’ he said reassuringly and, whilst you had no idea how he would get you off without touching your most intimate body part, you agreed and reluctantly lifted your hands over your head and allowed Cillian to tie your wrists against the bedhead with your leather cuffs.

Cillian then gently placed the blindfolds over your eyes, carefully tying the knot behind your head without catching your hair in between it.

You trusted him. Yet it was difficult for you to relax especially since, all of a sudden, you heard a familiar loud bussing sound again.

‘No no no, this vibrator is too intense. I never….oh my fucking god’ you moaned as you threw your head back into the pillow and arched your back as soon as the vibrator hit your clit through your thin cotton panties.

‘Fuck that’s sexy’ Cillian observed as he watched you squirm against your restraints and moan as he moved the vibrator over your clit in circle motions.

‘Don’t move’ he then chuckled as he placed the vibrator onto your clit and resting the handle on your stomach. You felt the weight on your bed lightening and heard him get up, walking away from you momentarily.

‘Fuck Cillian…don’t leave me like this’ you protested just before you heard the door of the fridge opening. What was he doing? Getting himself a beer?

Then, finally, you could feel his weight on the mattress again, right next to you.

His hands began to roam over your breasts and stomach while he pushed the wand back against your clit more firmly after tuning it up a notch.

‘No no no….oh god’ you moaned, your legs squirming.

‘If you do not stay still on your own, I will tie your legs up too’ Cillian said cheekily before pulling on each of your nipple piercings slightly. He knew that you loved it when he did this, subjecting you to this little bit of pain.

You inhaled sharply, wanting him to pull them again, but Cillian had other ideas and it wasn’t long until you felt something extremely cold on your left nipple.

‘Fuck, Cillian’ you moaned as ice cold water began to run down your left breast while he turned up the setting of the vibrator again.

The ice cold feeling soon moved to your right nipple, running down from it over your stomach like a cold stream of water.  By this time it was obvious to you that it was an ice cube which Cillian had placed into his mouth and which he was running over your breasts.

You could feel it melt slowly and the cold water ran all the way to your belly button followed by his hot breath.

Then, you could feel the entire ice cube slid down your stomach and all the way to the hem of your panties while, again, Cillian turned up the vibrator, reaching its highest setting.

‘Holy Christ’ you inhaled, trying as hard as you could to stay still.

You were close to climaxing and Cillian had to hold you down, securing your thighs so that you were unable to squirm away.

‘Oh fuck yes’ you screamed as, finally, your orgasm washed over you and you had no choice but to give into the sensation.

It was at this point that you heard a knock on the wall from the apartment beside yours, causing Cillian to chuckle as you had told him about the letter you received from your neighbour last week complaining about the noise level from your apartment when Cillian visited you the last time.

You eventually came down from your high and Cillian released his tight grip on you and turned off the vibrator before taking off your blindfolds and untying you from the bed.

‘Feeling better?’ he asked and, surprisingly, you did.

With a quick nod and thanks, you pulled Cillian on top of you for a passionate kiss before pushing him down onto the mattress beneath you.

Without words, you looked at him and suggestively bit your lips before reaching for his black Calvin Klein briefs and pulling them down.

‘You know I just love your cock…it’s fucking perfect’ you smirked as you starred at his erection before separating his legs, bending his knees up and taking your place between them.

Cillian scooted himself up in the bed so that he could watch you and you leaned forward to kiss him, loving and deep, before making your decent on his perfectly toned body.

When you finally reached his hard shaft, you kissed the tip of his cock suggestively before collecting his precum with your tongue.

Cillian’s hands knew what to do to help you now and he gathered up your hair and hold it out of the way as you lowered your head and take his cock into your mouth, moaning as your mouth is filled.

Cillian groaned as you finally took all of his length into your mouth and down your throat. You wanted to devour him and you took your time about it, pleasure slowly building, pressure teased and growing as you kept bobbing your head up and down.

Looking up at him while you wrapped your lips around his hard member turned him on incredibly and it didn’t take long for his breathing to become laboured.

By this point, his legs straighten, splayed out on either side of you while the frequency of his moans and groans increased.

You knew Cillian was getting close and you loved watching him moan with a slightly open mouth while you slowly and deliberately wrap your lips tightly on the head of his cock and take him deep into your throat again, all the way to the base.

Your eyes close on their own with the sensation and greed you feel and each time you rise you look into Cillian’s deep blue eyes, stopping to let him watch as you flick your tongue all over his frenulum and swollen pink tip.

His face suddenly changed and his mouth contorts. Cillian’s hands tighten, no longer simply holding your long hair out of the way but gripping your head with handfuls of your hair in both hands right at the scalp. He took control, pushing your head down hard, his cock filling your throat before letting go of you again.

‘Again’ you moaned, loving the way he takes charge and he complied with your request, grabbing your hair again and making you take his length all the way into your throat.

‘Fuck Y/N, I am close’ he moaned and, with him thrusting into your mouth and you bobbing your head at the same time, it wasn’t long until you felt it, the unmistakable spurt of cum into your mouth as his body is finally released.

You could taste him, feeling the slick cream on your tongue, holding it in your mouth as you milk the last drops. Then looking up, you see Cillian’s beautiful sexy smile and flushed cheeks, open your mouth and show him the cum pooled on your tongue.

Another groan escaped him as he watched you hold it, tilting your head back slightly while some drips escaped you and ran over your chin.

Looking at his face, completely turned on by what you were doing, you smiled wickedly and very deliberately closed your lips, looked at him, and swallowed.

‘God, why are you so fucking sexy?’ Cillian asked just as you moved up towards him and pressed your lips onto his.

‘I don’t know, I just am’ you winked before sharing another passionate kiss while his hands were roaming over your back.

After some pillow talk, you eventually curled up against Cillian, running your fingers through his chest hair while his right hand gently touched your cheek.

It didn’t take either of you long to fall asleep and you were still curled up against each other the next morning when you heard a loud knock on the door.

***Meeting June***

‘Will we ever be able to just wake up next to each other without being interrupted?’ Cillian growled as he turned over, ignoring the knock on the door completely. He was clearly not a morning person.

You jumped up quickly and threw on Cillian’s t-shirt which, the night before, had found it’s way to the floor besides your bed.

Wearing nothing but the t-shirt, some purple cotton panties and giant plush socks with small bunny rabbits on it, you walked to the door and opened it, thinking that, surely, it was just a delivery. Your local postman had a habit of arriving early and you were considering getting a postal box soon.

‘Good Morning Sis’ June said and it took you a few seconds to rub your eyes yawn before realising that you probably shouldn’t let her inside with Cillian lying in your bed completely naked.

But your sister didn’t ask for permission and barged inside, putting a bag of croissants and two coffees on to the kitchen counter.

‘What are you doing here?’ you asked surprised as she hung up her coat.

‘I know how shit you feel when you get your period and you didn’t come by the other night so I wanted to check on you, that’s all’ June explained just as she was walking through your loft, not having noticed Cillian yet as part of the view of the bed was covered by a large industrial style bookshelf.

‘Now is not a very good time’ you said nervously which was when she noticed clothes scattered across the floor.

‘Oh shit’ she giggled just before she bluntly looked past the large bookshelf.

‘Morning June’ Cillian chuckled just as he reached down to the floor to retrieve his briefs before pulling them beneath the doona and trying to discretely put them back on.

‘Holy fuck’ June shouted, her jaw dropping to the floor.

‘Jupp, swearing runs in the family’ Cillian chuckled before getting up from beneath the doona, wearing nothing but his black Calvin Klein briefs.

With a grin on his face, he walked over towards you and gave you a quick kiss before taking your coffee from your hand, taking a sip and telling you that he will go and have a quick shower.

He quickly retrieved his jeans from the floor and disappeared into the bathroom all while your sister’s eyes followed his every move.

‘Stop looking at him’ you demanded, giving your sister a nudge as it was obvious to you that she was checking out Cillian’s ass.

‘How the fuck did this happen? Did I just dream this?’ she asked as you were shyly drinking your coffee with some embarrassment, unsure how to answer her question.

‘Oh my god, he is the guy you were telling me about. This all makes sense now’ June said and you confirmed her suspicions and told her that you’ve resolved your differences.

You trusted your sister and told her about what you had discussed with Cillian the night before and that you were at his house, which is why you cancelled on her.

Eventually, Cillian came out of the bathroom, wearing his tight black jeans but not much else.

Your sister looked at him with some excitement, not even ashamed for drooling over the man you were involved with.

You noticed immediately, giving her another nudge just as Cillian stole the rest of your coffee.

‘Can you put your shirt on please’ you eventually said before handing Cillian one of the croissants and the jam from your fridge.

‘Well, I would, but you are wearing it’ Cillian reminded you, unbothered by the fact that your sister was in the same room.

You quickly disappeared behind the bookshelf and changed into your own clothes before handing Cillian his t-shirt and your sister sighed with some disappointment as he put it on.

Despite the fact that he had met your sister already, he felt somewhat awkward with your sister around and, after putting on his t-shirt, he left your apartment in order to get some more coffees, allowing you to update your sister on the situation.

While he was out, waiting for his coffee order at the nearby coffee shop, he received a call from his agent drawing his attention to a quite unfavourable article which had just appeared online, less than 30 minutes ago.

**************

OK! Magazine News 

Cillian Murphy following the Hollywood Trend?

Rumours have emerged suggesting a developing relationship between actor Cillian Murphy (43) and singer/songwriter Y/N L/N (23). This comes after Murphy has only last month been spotted at a Dublin fundraising event with long term girlfriend Amanda Winter and L/N was rumoured to be involved with local artist Kirsten Mann after having been spotted leaving Soho Bar together as little as three nights ago.

Music producer Kurt Meskin confirmed the break up from singer and songwriter girlfriend Y/N L/N earlier yesterday and revealed that the break up was due to a romance unfolding between Y/N L/N and actor Cillian Murphy. It is unclear how Kirsten Mann is involved and Meskin wasn’t able to comment on Mann’s relationship with L/N’s.

Murphy and L/N have been working together with others, including Meskin, on the United Arts and Music Festival since earlier this year. The festival is set to take place later this year and will feature L/N as well as Murphy’s long term girlfriend Amanda Winter.

Meskin said that he was saddened by L/N’s actions but has accepted her decision.

‘There is not much I can do. Unfortunately, these things happen but it’s simply sad to know that not only one, but two relationships have been destroyed by her actions’ Meskin said when referring to what sounds like an affair between L/N and Murphy.

It is not clear whether Murphy and Winter have since separated but it appears to be likely as L/N and Murphy were spotted in front of Le Maison Restaurant in Dublin late yesterday evening.

The picture appeared on Twitter shortly after the date night between Murphy and L/N and has since received a large number of comments as fans question what happened with Amanda Winter and criticise the twenty year ago gap between Murphy and L/N.

“Perhaps he’s following into the footsteps of other Hollywood actors like DiCaprio who like their girlfriends much younger” one person commented on Twitter.

Neither L/N or Murphy have commented on the rumours but, with L/N’s social media presence, it is probably just a matter of time until a statement is received.

  Tag List (Cillian):

@lilymurphy03  @deefigs @theflamecrystal   @desperate-and-broken  @weepingstudentfishhorse   @livinginfantaxy  @rosey1981  @atomicsoulcollecto  @peakyboyslover  @nerdy4itall  @elenavampire21  @hanster1998  @mariapaiva13  @fairypitou  @harry-is-my-sunflower  @zozeebo  @lauren-raines-x @kasaikawa  @littlewierdalien  @sad-huffle-nerd  @theflamecrystal   @peakymalfoyscullymulder  @themissthang  @0ghostwriter0  @stylescanbeatmyback  @1-800-peakyblinders @datewithgianni  @momoneymolife  @ntmynouis @lilymurphy03  @mcntsee​@cloudofdisney​ @missymurphy1985​​ @peakymalfoyscullymulder  @otterly-fey janelongxox  @uchihacumdump

Cannot Tag (please check your settings):

@l0tsofpennies @margoo0 @trolleydolly @avonlady1985 @chrisevanshoeee  @daydreamingnymph  @fookingshelby   @chocolatehalo

[please-buckme]

A Broken Heart.

Lee Bodecker x fem!reader

Chapter 4

Chapter warnings: none.

Chapter summary: You and Lee try and hash things out but there’s more to Lee than meets the eye.

Masterlist

Series Masterlist

Chapter 3 // Chapter 5

The drive started off very awkward and completely quiet. You both cleared your throats from time to time to defuse the tension, which didn’t make a lick of a difference. It’d been years since you rode in Lee’s cruiser and the last time you sat in that very seat he’d broken up with you. Your chest heaved at the memory. You still felt the phantom tears against your cheeks when he drove you to your house. Never would you have guessed you’d be right back here at his beck and call. You thought you were stronger than that, clearly not.

You thought Lee’s hold over you had disintegrated a while after you left town, but clearly it hadn’t. He says jump and you say how high. Your breath hitched in your throat at the thought of it. He looked over at you which made you look over at him. His eyes were still that piercing blue that always left you speechless. His teeth were just as white as you’d remembered as you watched him toss a piece of candy in his mouth and grin.

“What’re you thinkin’ about, girl?”

You swallowed hard, “Heard you ain’t drinkin’ much these days. That why you’re eatin’ t candy now?”

He scoffed, “How did you get from drinkin’ ta candy? I can’t just have candy for no reason or just because I like the sweet taste on my tongue?” He smirked and suck the piece of candy into his right cheek. You watched him toss it around cheek to cheek before he spoke again, “And who told you that, anyway?”

You followed your arms and turned your gaze out the passenger side window, unable to answer him while watching him seductively eat a piece of candy, “I have my sources and I don’t ever remember you keepin’ a whole fuckin’ bag of candies in your car, is’ll.”

“Fuckin’ Karl.” He mumbled under his breath, trying to stay out of ear shout but you still heard him, “I stopped by Sandy’s on my way in and she gave me the candy, happy?” He asks rhetorically with a hint of sarcasm.

“Elated.” You answer him dryly anyway, “Why’re we goin to Ruby’s when there’re plenty of diners in town and are you even allowed to take the cruiser this far outta town, Bodecker?”

He sighs, “Why so many questions? I feel like I’m being interrogated.” He asks, already knowing the answer. When you’re nervous you can’t stop anything that passes your lips. You don’t like awkward silence and you’ll do anything to not have to sit in it. He always found that kind of annoying but aslo adorable at the same time. Eventually you’d start messing with his pens and steal a piece of his candy.

“Because I don’t trust you and I sure as hell don’t believe that bullshit about us ‘talkin things out so we can live in the same town again.’”

“Well, can you believe that maybe I just wanna catch up?” He asks, becoming a little frustrated.

“Why Ruby’s?” You repeated, stealing a piece of candy as Lee predicted. He missed having you around, he just wished it were under different circumstances.

“Because it’s your favorite.”

“Am I supposed to be flattered or something, that you remember my favorite diner?”

“Okay, you win. I officially regret this.” He sighs, slapping his hand down on the steering wheel. He seems annoyed but not angry. You watch his annoyed expression fall on you as he sighs. For some unknown reason you burst out laughing, leaning against the passenger door.

He laughs, “What’s so funny?”

“Nothing it’s just.. you’ve changed so much and yet not at all. I still know every look and every sigh and.. every move you’re gonna make before you even do it. It’s kinda refreshing.. but I still hate you.” You watch his face turn up into a smirk, displaying his gorgeous teeth. He almost looked pained as if he hadn’t smiled in decades.

“God, I missed you.” He admitted, immediately clearing his throat. He didn’t mean to say it aloud but it clearly wasn’t up to him anymore, his heart was speaking for him too. He watched you fiddle with the candy wrapper as you processed what he said.

You could feel his hesitance. Did he really miss you or was it just him trying to make you feel comfortable? You didn’t know how to respond, so all you said was, “Okay.”

//

Once you got to the diner, Lee rushed you to the back booth. You knew why, of course. Everyone in town seemed to be appalled with your very existence, as if you’d done something. You wondered if they actually knew why they didn’t particularly like you or if they were just following the crowd. Like if one person were to speak on your behalf and say you’re a nice girl if people would treat you differently. You just have to find that one person.

Lee sat across from you in the sparkly red, plush booth, you thought he looked kind of silly, big, professional man in a tiny glittery booth, but you kept that to yourself. The waitress came by and gave you both a menu, taking your drink orders before walking away. You scanned over the many different food items, suddenly remembering you hadn’t had anything to eat all day. It was eight in the morning and all you could think about was the pancakes.

You eyed the pancake special, becoming a bit more giddy than expected and Lee noticed.

“What’re you so happy for?” He asked with a goofy smile of his own.

“Nothing, I just haven’t had breakfast and the thought of pancakes excites me, is’ll.”

Lee chuckled, “You can get whatever you want, doll. It’s on me.”

“Damn right it’s on you. This was your idea.” You remind him just before the waitress comes by with your drinks; two waters and a coffee.

“What’re we havin’?” She asks.

“Just coffee for me and pancakes for this one.” He says with a tilt of his head towards you.

“S’at all?” She asks, both of you nod. She takes your menus and walks away again.

“So, what did you wanna talk about, Bodecker?” You ask, taking a sip of your water.

“First of all, you’re killin’ me with this ‘Bodecker’ and ‘Sheriff’ shit just say my goddamn name.”

“Hmm, remind me what it was again?” You pretend to think, tapping your index finger against your chin.

“Lee!” He’s genuinely annoyed now.

“That’s right. Um, no. I think ‘Bodecker’ and ‘Sheriff’ work just fine, more professional, if you will.” You begin to fidget with the straw in your water, twirling it around in the ice. You didn’t like how this conversation started, you felt suddenly pressured to do something you didn’t wanna do and that made you nervous.

“Why are you bein’ like this?” He asked with a confused expression on his face.

“You wanna know why?” You came on a little stronger than expected as you felt your cheeks heat up. For being the one to cause your awkward situation, you didn’t think Lee would need an explanation. You were a little applaud he’d even ask for one, especially knowing what a touchy subject it is for you.

“Well, if you’re gonna get all pissy, then no.” He put his hands out in protest, giving you a bewildered look, wouldn’t wanna upset the Sheriff, now would we..?

You sighed, “I’m sorry, it’s just- I haven’t said your name once since.. the last time we..” you trailed off.

“’The last time we’ what? What do you mean?”

“Can we just drop it? I wanna talk about how we’re gonna deal with me living in town. You gotta get people to stop ignorin’ me or actin’ like I’m some exotic animal they ain’t never seen before.”

He chuckled, “what do you mean? How they act like you’re ’some exotic animal’?”

“They stare at me in awe, mouths wide open, along with their eyes. You’d think I’m famous or somethin’.”

“Well, I guess in Knockemstiff, you might just be famous.” He grinned.

“Thanks for that. Just put on my tombstone ‘here lies the girl who got dumped by the Sheriff’... that’s my legacy.” You fade off, thinking of how tragic that actually sounded. You suddenly felt a burning in your chest. Your anger was building and you knew just who to let it out on.

“No, that’s not your lega-“

“Why me, huh?” You ask before letting him finish. “Outta all the girls to torment, why me?”

“Because I loved you.” He said with glossy eyes as if he’d wanted to say that to you in particular for so long.

“You sure as shit coulda fooled me. I’ve wasted a lot of time on you, Bodecker. I mean when we dated and after we broke up. I was a mess and the only person to make it better was you and.. and you never showed up.”

“You don’t think I wanted to?” He asked, losing his temp on you.

“No, I don’t, not because you loved me, anyway. If anything you only would’ve showed up as a way to forgive yourself.”

He scoffed, “How could you possibly think that?”

“Because.. you gave up on caring about me and my feeling the second you chose her. The second you agreed to be with her, behind my back, and dump me, is the second you lost the privilege of being my person.”

“If I could go back in time and undo what I did, I would. I’m sorry, y/n. I really am.”

“For what? For what you did or for how it turned out?”

He sighed, “Both.”

“I know you’re miserable and I know you don’t love her. So, did you really give up on us because you were power hungry? Being Sheriff meant more to you than our future together?” Tears welled up in your eyes, threatening to fall.

“Yes, but I regretted it the second I saw the first tear you cried that day. I wanted nothin’ more than to take it back, say I was jokin’ or somethin’ but I couldn’t. The look you gave me in that moment.. I knew I’d already lost you. And yes, I think about where we’d be if I didn’t completely ruin us.” He faded off as he told you the daydreams that never leave his mind, “I picture us renovating your momma’s house, puttin’ up a white picket fence, havin’ a couple babies on your hips, my babies. Everyday I imagine it’s you I drive home to, not Laura-Jean. Sometimes I just picture you sittin’ on the porch with me on a hot day drinkin’ your momma’s famous sweet tea. And if I close my eyes I can see you laughin’ and with sun shinin’ right down on you, kissin’ your beautiful skin.”

You look around awkwardly, trying so hard not to make eye contact. If you make eye contact you’re done for, he might as well take you out of the diner that second because you’re good as fucked. You wanted to believe every word Lee said, you wanted to chop them up and eat them with your pancakes, but you can’t. He did you so wrong in the past that you just don’t think you’ll ever believe him or trust him in the future.

Lee looked at you pained but you couldn’t see it.Your eyes counted the speckled dots on the table in front of you, desperate not to look up, until. “Y/n, look at me.” And you did. Why did you look up? “You loved me in a way no one ever had and I fucked it up. I’m truly, deeply sorry for that, y/n. Whether I’m sayin’ it more for me or you, I don’t know but just know that I live with this mistake everyday of my miserable life. But, hey, at least I’m the Sheriff right?” He joke, giving you a sad smirk.

The sadness in his blue eyes made you want to crumble, get up from your seat and wrap him in your arms, but you don’t. All you can think about is how he reacted when you wore the same except look.

“Yeah, at least you got what you wanted, besides the picket fence and two healthy boys to call your own, and me. Happily married and sun kissed” You brushed it off as if his daydreams of you being married with children meant nothing to you, when really your entire body was buzzing. “And, just so you know, I’m way past needing to hear your apology. Right now I wanna eat my pancakes and work this shit out. Being gawked at like an exotic animal has gotten old. I’d like to be invisible again.”

He gave you a weak smile, “Okay.”

“Alright, here’s your pancakes and syrup. Can I get you anything else?” The waitress asked after handing you the warm plate of pancakes.

“You chocolate milkshake for the road, Doll.” He smiled up at, making you miss the loving smile he used to give you.

“Comin right up, enjoy.”

You talked, well, Lee talked while you ate and came up with a plan. Anytime he heard someone in town gossiping or spreading rumors he would interfere and steer the conversation in another direction. He said he couldn’t exactly defend you because it would look bad, especially during the campaign season and word would get back to Laura-Jean.

“Has she asked you not to talk to me yet?” You asked, stuffing your face with the last bite of pancakes.

“How’d you know?” He wondered.

“I was her best friend for 15 years, I know how she is.”

“You know about her crush on me when we was datin’?”

“Nope.”

“I can’t believe you never saw it. I knew she liked me before I knew you liked me.” He admitted.

You felt a blush creep across your cheeks, “Why not date her then? Woulda saved us a lot of heartache, don’t ya think?” You grinned but felt the pit in your stomach expand, again.

“Girl, I knew I loved you the second you said my name. That’s why I wanna hear you say it so badly. It sounds so sweet comin’ from your lips.”

You cleared your throat, desperately trying not to fall for his games, “Well, I don’t know what to tell you. Sayin’ your name is like a sin to me.”

“You never minded sinnin’ a little when you were with me, what changed?”

“Check please!” You motioned for the waitress. “I’m not feeding into this, Bodecker. I’ve played your mind games and I lost. You just worry about gettin’ everyone off my back and Laura-Jean won’t ever hear of us speakin’ or seein’ each other again, because we won’t be doin’ either.”

“You’re no fun.” He frowned.

“I used to be and look where it got me; Heartbroken and alone.” The waitress brought the check and the chocolate milkshake to go, “I’ll be in the car.” You said before standing from the booth and leaving the Diner.

The car was locked when you got there, so you stood and waited, twirling the straw around in the shake. You could help but think about Lee. How could he be so nonchalant about your past relationship?

Yours and Lee’s relationship meant everything to you. He was your first serious boyfriend and the love of your life. You felt like that meant nothing to him. Like you were some chick he had on the side for those 3 years y’all dated.

You sighed, taking a sip of your milkshake. Even with how angry he makes you, your mind slips away to the daydreams he has about you. He pictured y’all being married, which was no surprise to you because you guys talked about getting married all the time when you dated.

You closed your eyes, picturing it all. Two rowdy, little boys playing in the front yard, Lee sitting next to you on the porch swing with his arm wrapped around your waist. You could hear his boyish life ringing in your ears.

You were so lost in the daydream you hadn’t heard Lee walk up. You didn’t even know he was near you until you smelled his familiar musk and felt his hand touch your waist. Now you knew he was close, but before you could even think to open your eyes, Lee gently pressed his lips to yours in a quick peck, resting his forehead against yours when he pulled away. You hadn’t reacted the way you thought. You thought you’d recoil, spit in his face or throw your milkshake in his face. Instead, you felt the milkshake slip from your fingers, falling to the dusty ground as you grabbed his face, bringing him in for another kiss.

This kiss was deeper. You both felt every emotion you’d had bottled up for so long. Every tear that you shed and every crack in your heart was being mended just by the feel of his lips. You missed the feel of his freshly shaved, aftershave covered skin against your hands, the feel of his lips and how ridiculously plump and pink they were, or the little grunts he makes when you scratch at the nape of his neck.

You felt his protruding belly press against yours, pinning you up against the cruiser. The kiss became deeper once his tongue entered your mouth, causing you both to moan at the familiar tastes you both shared.

“T-take me home.” You pant against his lips.

“I’ll take you anywhere you wanna go.”

Dividers by: @firefly-graphics

Taglist: @haydens-moles , @c00lkidvibes , @tcc-gizmachine , @buckysm3talarm , @gogolucky13 , @cryptidcasanova , @heavenlyseb , @writersbuck , @teddy-bearbaby , @bbmommy0902 , @sweetllamaparadise , @thereblogcrusader , @aleemendoza2425-blog , @frostbytebaby , @jessyballet , @emotionallyandphysicallydone , @sarge-barnes-sir , @generalbagelcookieslime , @lady-loki-ren , @dime-piece-xo , @greeneyedblondie44 , @cherryblossomskye , @amelia-song-pond , @thedaughterofwandavision , @vghz82 , @vintagepigeon , @bxmaaa @steverogers123-blog , @quxxnxfhxll , @rhislean , @pinecrest , @jackiehollanderr , @girlfriday007 , @fanofalltheficsx , @dontputyourfckingdrinkonmytable , @krazykatkay456

Dm to be tagged :)

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

↑ Everyone @ Boris Johnson right now.

I am so annoyed that this is happening in a week with no News Quiz, no Now Show, no Mock the Week. The Last Leg doesn’t come back until next Friday, and God knows what things will look like by then. I can picture the Last Leg writers frantically writing jokes as the story unfolds, constantly having to scrap and redo them when things change. Late Night Mash doesn’t start again until the fall, and there’s no point in even guessing what they’ll have to talk about at that point.

This, more than anything else, might be what finally gets me to check out the post-Oliver Bugle. If they put an episode out tomorrow, I might have to listen to it just because it’s the only topical comedy happening this week, and if I can enjoy that one without constantly thinking, “no this is incorrect where is the trans-Atlantic Smurf man?”, it might make me decide to try the other ones too. And that reminds me, Last Week Tonight is also not coming back until the end of July. This is more than big enough so even that generally American-focused show would have to cover it, but it’s not happening either.

For the second time in a few weeks (the first being post-Roe v Wade), I have become a person who looks at Twitter, because I don’t want to wait for the next episodes of topical comedy shows to get released before I hear what these people have to say. I found some stuff, enjoyed it, but am already feeling how potentially lethally dopamine-inducing the quick hits on Twitter could be, so I shall be careful not to get drawn in too much. This is a temporary thing to only be employed on special occasions, like when an entire country rolls back women’s rights by very literal decades in one fell swoop, or when the British PM goes down in a blaze of fire and brimstone.

Frankie obviously has a bunch, but for some reason this is the one that made me laugh out loud:

And of course, there is one voice we can always count on. If the shitshow he was put through in the last couple of days caused mental health triggers, due to its similarity to another time when white people being mad at Nish Kumar somehow made the actual real news - which it genuinely might have done and that genuinely upsets me on his behalf - Nish Kumar is not letting it stop him from being all over this today.

This makes me even more glad I’m going to see his show at the end of July, even though I already saw it in May. Boris-based material didn’t make up too much of the show, but it definitely made up some of the show, and he’s going to have to rewrite that now. So I will not be seeing the exact same show again, and I’m looking forward to seeing how he updates it.

Is it weird that even when I went to sleep last night, with over 40 resignations and counting, I didn’t think this would happen? It’s sort of the same as how I never thought the Brexit referendum might pass until the moment it actually did, even though looking back, there were good reasons to believe it was a possibility. It was just such a huge change from the status quo, and I was used to the idea that the status quo does not change that much in one fucking day (oh God, what simpler times those were).

Now, the status quo is that people at high levels of power do unbelievably horrible, stupid, incompetent things, and never face consequences. And I just expected that to keep being the case. Not that this is some great example of power being held accountable. Boris Johnson got away with accomplishing pretty much everything he wanted to do, including many things that will be very difficult or impossible for future governments to fix (I almost left out the word “impossible” there, because anything can be overturned if you try hard enough for enough years, as we recently learned with the Roe v. Wade decision, but then I remembered that no amount of political or legislative will can bring back people who’ve died of COVID). And he’s only going to be replaced by someone who’s just as bad. But still, I really didn’t think this would actually work. I think I might be a little impressed with some of the worst people in the world. This doesn’t make them not the worst people anymore, but they did manage to do... something. I guess time will tell what the hell they actually did.

Anyway, hope everyone in the UK is having a good time. In the words of the great Zaltzman and Oliver, isn’t democracy fun?

[the-power-of-stuff]

Someone pissed me off at work today, so I wrote this fic.

Look, I don’t know what this is! I’m trying this thing where I write something and then don’t agonize over whether every sentence contains some metaphor for the meaning of existence or whatever.

Anyway, enjoy this (modern??) AU Sukka meet-cute at the office!

==========

Suki stalked into Katara’s office and slammed her hands onto the other woman’s desk, causing her colleague to jump several inches out of her seat.

“I swear,” she hissed, “if one more man asks me to schedule a meeting on his behalf, I’m going to…” She lifted her hands as if she were squeezing an invisible head between her fingertips, imagining something much more substantial in her grip than air. “I’m gonna start growing claws or something!”

“Claws?” Katara asked, eyebrow raised in amusement now that she’d settled back into her chair.

“I’m gonna start breathing fire!” Suki added. “I’ll gain the power to firebend out of sheer rage!” Then she threw herself into one of Katara’s extra chairs and smoldered at the floor, the flare of Agni burning through her veins already. “I hate men. Can we get out of here? Go to lunch early?”

Katara frowned sympathetically. “Sorry, lady, I can’t. My brother’s in town, remember? We made plans to grab lunch and he’s gonna be here to pick me up any minute.”

“Oh, right, I forgot… Well, maybe I can talk Jin into going out instead of eating lunch at her desk like she always does…”

“I think that would be good for you both,” Katara said. “But, hey, we’re still on for Friday night, right? Aang said he’d be fine with Bumi for the night.”

Suki sighed, wistful at the thought of Katara’s loving and dedicated husband. “I guess not all men are trash, huh? And yes please to Friday night.”

Just then there was a knock at the open door of Katara’s office, and Suki swung around to an eyeful of broad shoulders, dark skin, blue eyes, and a shit-eating grin. She narrowed her eyes even as her stomach gave a traitorous little jump. 

“Sorry, ladies, didn’t mean to interrupt your gossip sesh,” the shit-eater said, and Suki’s brow furrowed.

“And who the hell are you—”

“Sokka!” Katara cried, scrambling up from her desk as the shit-eater’s — Sokka’s — eyes widened at Suki. “Suki, this is my brother, Sokka. He’s an idiot, don’t listen to anything he says—”

“Hey, what? This is how you introduce me to your friends?”

“Sokka, this is Suki, my work wife,” Katara continued, as if her brother hadn’t said anything.

“Suki!” Sokka’s smile transformed into something more genuine, but Suki only felt her frown deepen. “I’ve heard a ton about you! Listen, I’m sorry if I offended you before—”

“There’s no ‘if’ about it, hot-shot,” Suki snapped, getting up from her chair. Then she patted Katara’s arm and brushed past her brother without a second glance. “Have a good lunch, Katara. Let me know what time is good for you on Friday, yeah?”

As she left her friend’s office, she heard Sokka ask, “What’s with her?” and Katara answer him, “Do you always have to swagger everywhere like a peacock pigeon?” It made her laugh in spite of her explosive mood, pleased at the thought of Katara putting her brother firmly in his place. Feeling bolstered, she swung by Jin’s desk and sold her on the idea of an off-site lunch, and then she put male colleagues, stupid work requests, and Sokka’s blue eyes out of her mind. 

***

Suki always felt much better after a full meal and an hour away from her desk. Plus, she’d gotten Chan to schedule his own damn meeting, without him even realizing that she’d basically told him to stick his calendar where the sun doesn’t shine. All in all, she was feeling quite vindicated and accomplished, at least until a newly-familiar pair of blue eyes peeked around her office door.

“Hey, um, Suki?”

Suki raised her eyebrows and folded her hands neatly on top of her desk, watching with satisfaction as Sokka squirmed under her gaze as if someone had dumped a bunch of ant flies into his shirt. 

“Can I help you?” she asked when he continued to hover in her doorway.

“No, not really. I just wanted to apologize. I, uh… Katara’s been dealing with my crap her whole life. She’s my little sister, y’know? It’s in the job description…” He smiled, the genuine one this time, but then quickly cleared his throat. “I don’t always realize how that stuff comes off to people who aren’t related to me, so… I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to imply that your work isn’t valuable just because you’re a woman, or anything like that.” 

Suki crossed her arms across her chest. 

“Did Katara put you up to this?”

“What? No. I mean… I asked her where your office was, but that’s all.” Then he laughed and rubbed the back of his head. “Heck, she probably thinks I came here to hit on you…”

“Did you come here to hit on me?”

His eyes widened, and Suki enjoyed the panic that flashed across his face.

“No! No. Shit…that was just another joke, sorry. Not that… Not that I wouldn’t— I mean, you’re really…” He cleared his throat again, and Suki laughed.

“It’s Sokka, right?”

“Uh…yeah…”

“So, Sokka,” she said, placing her hands on her desk again, “am I to believe that you exchanged two sentences with a woman you’ve never met before and were so affected by the fact that you’d upset her that you tracked her down to apologize an hour later, even though you could’ve gone on with your life probably never seeing her again?”

“What,” he teased, “you’ve never sat awake at night, replaying embarrassing interactions you had with complete strangers over and over again in your head, wishing you could go back and change everything?” 

This time, when that shit-eating grin crept its way back onto his face, Suki found she didn’t mind so much. In fact, she found herself smiling.

“I don’t have embarrassing interactions with strangers,” she said with a shrug, and Sokka laughed.

“We should all be so lucky.”

“Oh, it’s not luck, it’s skill. I’m just that good.”

Sokka hummed — whether it was in acknowledgment or agreement or just because he didn’t have anything else to say, Suki wasn’t sure. But he was regarding her with something appraising in his expression, despite the mirthful lightness in his eyes, and Suki felt that traitorous jump in her gut again. 

“Well, look…” Sokka said before the silence between them could start to feel too meaningful, “I’ll… I didn’t mean to keep you from your work, so I’ll get out of your hair. Just…sorry, again. And…maybe I’ll see you around.”

After he left, Suki sighed until her lungs were empty and dropped her face into her hands. Great… she thought. Just what she needed. Now she had to figure out a way to tell Katara she had the hots for her brother. 

[lazaefair]

Sequence of events the way I perceived/remember them. I’m doing my best to be as honest as possible and to minimize self-defensiveness, but I’m only human. Trying anyway:

I join All & More.

Within the first few days, I either bring up something about fandom racism, or challenge something someone said that I felt played into cultural biases regarding Marwan/Joe and the conversation turns to fandom racism. I don’t remember which happened first.

Either way, over the next weeks, between other conversations I get into several arguments/discussions about fandom racism with a few different people, including goldheartedsky. One person blocks me, which is how I learn about Discord blocking, and I block them back.

Goldheartedsky in particular keeps making remarks that show a clear bias against Joe/Marwan on the same spectrum as the biases that other Top Joe Stans have demonstrated in the previous months. She’s by no means the only one, as there is a mix of Top Joe Stans, neutral (I thought at the time) parties, and then me and Ven. But goldheartedsky and I get into it a few times with varying degrees of civility. She demonstrates that she relies heavily on strawman fallacies, red herrings, disingenuous mischaracterizations, and outright lying as tactics.

At some point I realize that she has blocked me (I can’t tag her or add reactions to her posts) so I block her back, as everything she had been posting had been upsetting me anyway.

After that, I started blocking people who got to roughly the same threshold as she did - attempting to preserve my fandom experience and give my stress levels a break.

By the time the conversation in question happens, I’ve blocked a handful of people, and basically just ignore the “blocked messages” bars that replace their posts and act like they’re not there. This is what happens during The Conversation - there is at least one blocked person, maybe more, but I don’t know because they are blocked and all Discord shows you is “3 blocked messages” or however many messages have been replaced.

I also unfortunately was lackadaisical about tagging the people I was actually responding to, which would have muddied the flow of the conversation for anyone else who didn’t have the exact same people blocked that I did.

I never clicked on the “blocked messages” bars, the channel has since been deleted, and I haven’t looked at the screenshots being spread around, so I still have no idea what any of the blocked people said in that conversation.

As for the substance of the conversation - this isn’t an excuse for myself, but I was talking about the ethics of the presented issue the way I usually talk in ethics discussions, like a puzzle to be solved. I realize now that I should have...not done that. To the people I was actually talking to, I am genuinely sorry for the pain I caused by not being empathetic enough to the human/emotional side of the issue.

Some hours after the conversation peters out, a person I hadn’t blocked - but who was in the same loose friend group as the people I had blocked - comes into the channel and says that what I had said wasn’t appropriate.

I reach out to Ven to get a second opinion about it. She agrees, which is when I realize I fucked up.

While I am talking to Ven, one of the not-blocked people whom I’d actually been responding to in the conversation - who is Jewish - comes back in and basically clarifies what I’d intended to say on my behalf. (I did not ask them to do this, and I am grateful to them for doing it.)

Edit: I am aware that this person has just publicly disavowed their defense of me. I’m leaving in what I originally wrote, since I’m laying out the sequence of events and their post was part of the reason why I handled the situation the way I did at the time.

Ven advises me, and I agree, to leave it there, because this person has kindly already said what I would have said - and also because I reckoned that nothing I could have said would have actually satisfied the person who called me out, as they’d demonstrated consistent hostility toward me in all our interactions prior to this.

So I leave it there, the channel moves on, and I figure that’s that.

Fandom racism conversations continue, with multiple arguments happening in which the contingent of Top Joe Stans, including goldheartedsky, continue to deliberately use rude, insulting language and various fallacies in response to my and others’ requests to reconsider contributing to racist tropes about Marwan/Joe. In an argument about the content gap between types of stories and art produced between Joe and Nicky, one of them says outright that there is no content gap, citing the survey done by tog-resources in July.

I’d already been considering conducting a full survey of Joe/Nicky fic, but this spurs me on to actually do it. Ven and I start surveying, and publish our results in late February.

I won’t rehash that entire round of discourse here, but this is when the screenshots from A&M first appear and various people receive anons accusing me of being a TERF and antisemitic, etc. One of the anons contains enough circumstantial information for me to figure out that goldheartedsky is behind it, or at least part of it. This is my first indication that goldheartedsky was one of the blocked people in that conversation.

I decide to stay silent about the accusations because that seems like the high road to take, and because it feels like addressing them at all would lend credence to them.

The people throwing accusations around had either blocked me, or I had blocked them, so any words that I said about them wouldn’t have been taken in good faith anyway, especially after it got to bakedapplesauce.

Bakedapplesauce, who blocked me after receiving one of the longer anons, never contacted me to get my side of the story.

A while later, a third party contacts me to try to bring me and goldheartedsky together in a conversation to clear the air. I didn’t initiate this, but agreed to do it only if the third party acts as a go-between, 1) partly because I had just started a new job and was busy IRL so I didn’t think I could manage a conversation in real-time, but primarily 2) because then if screenshots of the conversation ever appeared in public, there could be no question as to who had done it. Goldheartedsky refuses this precaution, so I call it off.

So, that’s my side of the story. I don’t have screenshots because screenshots can be altered and taken out of context, and also because I just don’t do that shit. I regret that it’s gotten to this point, but since the February round of discourse, it always felt like there was no way for me to address the accusations without coming off as defensive or dismissive.

Also, until this round of discourse in June, no one had approached me about it in sincere concern. I’m only writing this post at all because this shit has now been splattered onto other people, including Jewish people who have to watch their generational pain be used as a shield and a derailing tactic to deflect from challenges to malicious, conscious racism. These anons only crop up when fandom tries to address racism, and only using hostile “gotcha” phrasing that makes clear they’re not actually concerned about antisemitism, they’re just trying to deflect. Well, they can try.

That being said, I do acknowledge and recognize that in that particular conversation, I was thoughtlessly callous about something that is gravely painful, and I should have known better. As I’ve said many times before, no one gets to declare by fiat that they’re “not a racist” because that’s not how cultural conditioning or implicit bias works, and it’s the same for antisemitism. I’m sincerely sorry for that and have been trying/will continue to try to do better.

[morvantmortuary]

Completely one hundred percent self indulgent because right now I am crying, panicking, feeling hella guilty and like a failure. I just got kicked out of school because depression took over my life and caused my grades to suffer. As a result I knew what I needed to pass, and I failed by four points, resulting in what they call permanent suspension aka expulsion.

I’m so afraid to tell my family, I was supposed to be better, to succeed and right now I feel like a failure and I just I need some Morvant comfort? Doesn’t matter who really.

I’m the Criminal Justice major from some time ago, and now I’m too fucking afraid to try and even look at going to college for Mortuary Science, I just deleted all of the school apps and stuff from my phone and laptop, making the permanence of the situation kind of hit me all at once now.

Ooh, honey, I'm sorry I didn't see this until just now. D: I hope you've managed to find some equilibrium in the time since you sent this in, and I just want to start this off by putting my academic day job hat on for a sec and saying a few things - this got long, as always, so it's going under the tag <3

first off, you're not a failure, you're absolutely not <3 I know plenty of people who got put on academic probation or straight-up booted from school because their grades suffered due to real life circumstances beyond their control (including my own parents, back in the day!). it's going to be okay. it super duper sucks in the moment, and I'm sure this feels like salt in the wound after you've already been dealing with your depression for a whole semester. but it's not a forever thing, I promise. even if you don't return to that school, that doesn't mean at all that you're Done, The End, can't try this again unless you decide that's what you're doing. and if you do, that's okay too! maybe you need a break from school for a while, or maybe you want to go try something else!! those are also perfectly valid paths, although it does mean you'd have to figure out what you're doing in the meantime, but that's a different kettle of fish we don't have to tackle right this second <3

you don't have to think about Mortuary Science right now, though. in fact, I'm maybe going to encourage you not to, for a little while. not because you can't do it - I have every confidence you can - just until you get your feet back under you, metaphorically. you've just had a big shock to the system after a semester of your mental illness taking a toll. you don't have to want to tackle this next thing right away, and you don't need to take on something else right now that might add to the sense of your world shifting more than you're ready for.

I also want to say, you only missed the mark by a few points. you really, really did try!! I know that doesn't feel like enough right now, but I am downright agonized on your behalf because you really did great in trying to get your grades back up!! especially when you already weren't feeling like your best self and had a lot on your plate!! I know you're upset right now, but I'm really proud of you because I'm sure you did your damnedest to get yourself where you needed to be, even if it didn't turn out like we wanted this time. That effort still deserves recognition, and you should (when you're ready) be proud of yourself for trying so hard and coming so close. That's no easy feat, and you still did the work, so it still deserves to be acknowledged. <3

here's the thing about telling family: families are hard. but you did your best, and the school wasn't willing to budge on those last few points. that's all it comes down to. you can wait and tell them when you're ready, but whatever they say, you can know that you still did your best given the circumstances, and that's okay. that was all you could do, genuinely. if they wanna give you shit, you tell them to try and bring their grades back when they're dealing with life-interrupting illness, because you were. Depression can make it impossible to function sometimes, so the fact that you were able to get as close as you could to that arbitrary-ass grade point while dealing with that??? 100% badass.

the thing about secondary education is that, as an adult, you're the one who's going to be making the decisions for yourself. your family can feel however they want to feel (and if they're at all financially involved, well, I'm sure some conversation is going to have to happen there too). But all adults disappoint their parents at some point. I repeat: All Adults Disappoint Their Parents at Some Point. If yours is just about grades when you're grappling with serious mental illness, your parents should thank their lucky stars they have offspring who's so dedicated to their education and trying so hard to do the right thing about it, because I know lots of people who just!! didn't!!!

tl;dr from me - you are going to be okay, sweetheart. <3 I know this must be so frustrating and disappointing after this semester, but you tried your best, and I am so proud of you for that!! even if the results weren't what you were hoping for, you did the best you could do at the time, and that's what counts. what comes next will come next. If you decide you wanna go for Mortuary Science after all, you can!! it will just be later, when you've had some time to recover, and when you get to the part of the process where you have to talk about this semester, you just tell them "I was dealing with illness at the time that seriously impacted my ability to function properly and took a toll on my academic work, it is not reflective of my work during a normal semester" because that's 100 percent true. If they're not dicks, that's all you'll need to say about it.

but okay, you didn't come here for just me to hurgle at you. <3

The Morvants as a whole would first be concerned about the fact that you obviously weren't doing well. But if you came back to the Mortuary as devastated as you were due to this development, the response would be two-fold:

First, they would all be determined not to let you feel too badly about this. <3 Maxi, after he had wrapped you in a blanket and sat you next to him on the couch with the closest thing to your favorite junk food he had on hand (although he'd more than likely keep the actual thing itself around as soon as you started showing up more frequently), would happily point out that secondary education doesn't have to be linear!! He just had his Associates in MS for a long time, himself, and he didn't go back and finish his Bachelors until after he had brutally murdered his father and sacrificed him to They Who Provide later, when he had more time for that sort of thing and was in a better state of mind to go. Sometimes you finish different parts at different times, or don't get to finish until later, but that's no promise you won't finish at all. :)

On your other side, Hex would be sitting with a box of tissues, wanting to let you get it all out until the initial storm of disappointment and frustration and worry was over. Emotions are difficult, especially when you aren't already feeling well to begin with. He'd point out that he didn't finish his Bachelors, ever -- granted, he doesn't want to do what you want to do, which you definitely need more certification for -- but he'd just want to make sure that you knew you could go do something else, even if it's just for a while, and it wouldn't mean you failed. It would just mean you could decide you needed a break from that kind of work/life for a while, and that would be okay by him, obviously. He'd even offer to help you figure out what you wanted to do in the meantime, if you decided you need to step away. <3 (He would then quietly ask Maxi if this means they needed to go Have A Talk with the registrar at the school, and Maxi would say he was pretty sure it was all automated by now thanks to the school's computer system - academic status isn't always decided by a person if it's below a certain specific number, even if it's really close. Hex would then ask how likely it was he could maybe get into the school's computer system and... take some creative liberties with the grades. Y'know. Just shuffle some points around here or there. Maxi, admittedly, might not entirely dismiss this idea out of hand. It was just a few points, after all. And you were obviously more than willing to do the work. Who's to say it couldn't just be a computer error, the first time???)

Rora would be looming behind the three of you on the couch, mostly so she could stand there and pet your hair, or if that's not something you like, rub your shoulders. Also the boys were already sitting next to you and she gets jealous. Rora would point out that she hadn't even technically finished high school yet, on account of Death, so you were still doing better than her in that department. <3 She would tell you that lots of things can change, and quickly -- just because this semester ended this way didn't mean you couldn't start again somewhere else, when you were ready. In the grand scheme of things, school is only so long, and then you spend much longer than that actually doing the work you trained for in what it is you want to do. She would tell you that you had every right to feel upset, but not to blame yourself; this is only a temporary hiccup, in the long run, and you'll spend much more time afterwards doing what you're trying to learn than you will trying to learn it. Though it feels big and impossible right now, in a few years, this will just be one hard semester that you will have recovered from. Even if this means you try somewhere else, even if this means things don't go straight from Point A to Point B, the important thing is that you still will keep going when you're ready. After you'd had a suitable amount of comfort food, she'd offer you some wine, or another beverage of your choice, and then ask if maybe you didn't want to take a bath -- she'd be more than happy to wash your hair for you, or would offer to rub further down your back as you soaked in the water and the steam. Something that would help you destress, and remind you that as much as this hurts right now, you are still yourself, and that's the most important part.

In the meantime, there was no reason you couldn't spend the rest of the semester with her and the others. <3 Maxi of course would kind of have to hold off on letting you assist with reconstruction and body prep, for state licensing reasons, but he could walk you through the parts of funeral planning that could give you practical experience and let you look at his old notes to decide if this was something you still wanted to do (granted, they're almost two decades old, but they're very detailed!!). Hex would want to encourage you to try some new things, when you felt like it. Find something that you want to learn that has nothing to do with school, or a job where you would feel comfortable picking up some new skills to add to your resume when you felt like it was manageable between now and the Fall. Rora would want you to focus on feeling better physically and mentally, whatever that looked like - you couldn't jump back into things if you didn't feel like jumping. She'd want to make sure you spent time with her outside in the garden, even if you just sat with her in the sun while she weeded or tended to her plants. She'd also want you to take plenty of naps (in her room, on the couch, wherever she could show up and sit with you and swat at her brother whenever he tried to kidnap you for cuddles) and would want you to eat indulgently, whatever that looked like for you up to and including badgering Hector and Maxi to cook for you, which they would have done anyway, but Rora is taking your physical recovery as her job so she's putting them on her schedule lmao.

I hope any of this helps, nonny. I promise you're going to be okay, and we are all still proud of you for giving it your best shot. <3 keep us posted, but don't feel like anything has to be decided right now today, y'know? <3 we love you!!