#nin <3< /div> Explore tagged Tumblr posts

[joanofexys]

jude angst if it’s exists if not gimme that angel/harper angst pleeeeaaasseee <3

- @ninyard

Nin the way I got SO EXCITED when I saw Jude's name related to an angst ask. I have not talked enough about what I've put this boy through

tws for suicide/suicide ideation and self harm

So I mentioned in the first post I made about Jude that in college he started struggling with suicide ideation and thoughts/desires to self harm and then actually acting on that and I didn't go too much into it other than mentioning it was something he sought help for pretty quickly but let me get into it now

Jude was raised as an only child to two loving and very supportive moms. He grew up with an incredible support system and he's always known that he has people who will have his back for everything.

Jude decides to move out of his childhood home and move closer to USC for his sophomore year when he's 19 years old. He moves out in the summer a couple months before school starts. He is, immediatley, incredibly homesick. He made sure to get a dog friendly apartment but his moms convinced him to wait till he got settled in before moving Stevie out with him. And it just makes things so much worse. He hates having an empty place.

He starts just inserting himself into everyone's business. He knows the coaches are at the court building more often than that and he has the code so he just starts showing up unannounced. He'll sit in the nurses office on an exam table, talking someone's ear off. He naps in Rhemann's office. Coach Lisinski lets him go wild with the equipment before she leaves. They'll let him run laps and throw balls at the goals for hours. He sits in on freshman training, ignores starry eyed looks, and doles out compliments alongside criticism when asked. Anything to not be alone.

Then the school year picks up again and he's anything but prepared. He can't be around people, his team, all the time. Outside of practices everyone has classes and even the people who absolutely adore him can't entertain him 24/7. And there's only so much of Jude sitting in his office to do homework that Rhemann can handle.

By October he's actively self harming. It's easy to do in an empty apartment with no one around to catch him. Easy to lie to his teammates when he genuinely feels happy on the court, surrounded by them. By November he decides he's had enough "settling in" and brings Stevie with him when he visits home for thanksgiving. It helps a little. He accepts fewer invitations to go out. Spends most nights on the bathroom floor, cabinet handles digging into his back, and calls his moms every time he's done. Every time he tries to force the words past his throat. To tell them he's not okay, that he just hurt himself again, and he wants to go home. Instead he laughs, puts a smile on his face, says "yeah, yeah it's been good. Yeah I'm really proud of the time. You know, classes have been hard but the challenge is good. Love you too, good night", and hopes his voice doesn't crack. Stevie sleeps in his bed every night, he feels bad that she has to see him cry every night and thinks maybe he's not taking care of her properly. But she's also one of the only things keeping him going and maybe it's selfish but he can't bring her back home.

He goes home for Christmas, enjoys his winter break. For a few weeks it stops. He doesn't know how to hide his self harm when he's sharing space with people so he stops trying to sneak off to the bathroom or his room. It makes him sick to his stomach when he realizes that he misses it. That he had found some comfort and relief in the repitiveness of it and how easy it had become. He goes back to school and by mid January he shoots Rhemann an email asking if he can stay after practice and they can talk. It all comes pouring out and it's messy. He wrote it all down on a piece of paper so he could actually get it out. He managed to get through about 3 sentences before his voice cracked and the ugly crying started. He gave the paper over to Rhemann to read, rambling through an explanation rife with apologies.

He spends 2 weeks benched, a month and a half with shorter play time on the court. Two weeks for trying to find a therapist, seeing a doctor, and getting prescribe anti-depressants for the first time. the month and a half for while he's adjusting to the medication while he tries to find the right dosage. He's tired a lot throughout this, not at his best, more apathetic than he's ever been. He just feels numb. He hates every minute about it.

It's the medication they figure out first. Once they get him on the right meds with the right dose and he adjusts he's not so tired all the time. He starts playing longer during games, he's fully involved in every practice. He swings by practices he doesn't need to be at. He's out of the house again, actively choosing to spend time with his team. Stevie comes with him about 80% of the time. He spends the summer with his moms and moves back in with them his junior year. His senior year he moves back out but gets a roommate this time, a very excited Cody Winter. (the fact that the current senior and 5th year seniors in tsc were Jude's little freshmen & sophomore's is everything to me tbh)

So yeah, I swear he gets better and I guess I couldn't help myself with adding a little bit of comfort and noting that things did get better for him but there's some of Jude's angst. As I was writing this I had another thing for him that's angsty pop into my head but this is long enough as is

[c-lion]

YOU FINISHED TSC OMG (im sorry for spoiling you so many times) what did you think!!

- @ninyard <3

YES I DID! FINALLY!! (No worries, I am actually very glad about all the spoilers, I like knowing what I'm getting into) Oh god what did I think... I loved it! It was so gut wrenching painful, so beautiful... I need to read it again soon in one sitting because I read it in pieces through three month so I don't have the whole Book anymore in my head, but Jean's pov kinda had the same vibe as Baltimore? And I love Baltimore, I know most people don't like reading Lola and Nathan's torture but those are the scenes I read the most (obviously together with the motel scene) and I never read something similar and now TSC... Ahhh

Seeing Kevin from Jean's but also Jeremy's pov is so precious to me! Especially the scene where Jeremy calls him to ask if Riko broke Kevin's hand?? I love Kevin

Cat... Cat Cat Cat! I love her, her temperament (is this a word used in English? Idk it's late), her friendship with Jean, kissing Jeans head 🥺, taking him to drive, cooking with him... I love her

A cool evening breeze. Rainbows. Open roads. Friends? Friends. Every addition to this knocked me out. The funny thing is, I already knew the list from Tumblr but still, reading it is somethin else!

I liked seeing all the people from the Socmed au's XD I saw Shane in the back and was very happy to see my blorbo in law from the au's

Every time I saw Cody it made me happy because of obvious reasons ☺️

Jean's capacity to love?? Just... fuck he makes me emotional!! Jean asking if Cody is safe??!

I could go on but I need to go to bed :-(

Thank you so much for asking me! 🧡

[exystyx]

⭐️ or smth…. or whatever… not that I like CARE about what you think about me or anything nah definitely not. not at all. (I love you)

- @ninyard <3

switch out lets bake cookies together for lets play minecraft together bc PLEASE NIN PLEASE 🙏 anyway i adore you so much its kinda insane

[tara-the-star]

[slamming my fists on a table while chanting] TOWNING! TOWNING! TOWNING!

- @ninyard

okay! so (this is mainly about my towning wip but)

the deal that the fbi made with stuart was carried out by towns not just because towns is charismatic as fuck but also because browning has a bad history with organised crime (now i dont know whether i want this to be a full fledged crime bg or just an unfortunate case)

right so while towns is handling the case, browning feels insanely helpless because towns wont LET him help, thanks to his past. the thing is, its stressing towns out as well but obv our ex-academic weapon, samuel arthur towns will NOT accept that he needs help. so browning tries to help out in the only other way he can imagine, i.e., planning romantic dates so that towns can relax a bit. but BUT towns is NOT having it because these things take time, to prepare for, to execute and towns simply did not have time.

okay i wont spill more cause this has actually given me the motivation i need for brainstorming for my fic so lets see how that goes!!!

[meziniart]

As he walks me through the nicest parts of hell I still dream of lips I never should have kissed

[petaltexturedskies]

Anaïs Nin in a diary entry dated 3 August 1920 featured in The Early Diary of Anaïs Nin, 1920-1923

[restingcorpse]

[rockabye-rinzler]

insert ~that one~ NIN song here (iykyk :) )

.

.

we were so close to having something great, y'all 😔

(also another bonus just bc I thought it looked cool)

[alchemicalcodes]

Anais Nin

[majestativa]

All emotion and chaos […] the Oriental windows of her dark eyes.

— Anaïs Nin, The Diary of Anaïs Nin, Vol. 3: 1939–1944, (1971)

[joanofexys]

also 🔴 for anyone/everyone thank u

- @ninyard <333

🔴 Red- What is a trait your OC has that those around them don't see very often? Is it seen by a rare few or completely overlooked?

Florian - Flor is truly so emotional. He’s very tender and he loves easily and falls so hard. And most people don’t see it because he acts like a raging, apathetic, bitch 90% of the time. Mara and Jean are the two people who see it the most. Kevin gets to see it sometimes. And eventually Ilya gets it pretty much all the time. It’s warm breathe against Jean’s jaw and a murmured “I think I’m a little bit in love with you”. A barely there brush of lips against Jean’s forehead and a “I’m glad you’re getting the chance you deserved, I’m sorry I wasn’t the one to give it to you”. It’s Mara thrown over his shoulder and loud laughter in their first apartment and a “I’m glad that out of everyone it was you”. It’s sitting on soft carpet, dozing with his head on Ilya’s thigh, and “thank you for loving me back”. It’s flying out for one of Kevin’s games, waiting for him in the hallway and squeezing his hand before he goes to talk to the press, “I can’t wait to be on the court with you again”. He’s a little bit in love with all the people in his life and he doesn’t often show it.

Ilya - Ilya’s incredibly patient but it often gets overlooked due to his stubbornness. He’ll wait as long as he needs to for someone. His relationship with Florian is a great example. He’ll wait as long as it takes. But he doesn’t give up so a lot of his patience gets viewed as just him being a stubborn asshole. I think Florian notices it once he stops being pissed at Ilya for being Like That. Ilya’s the only one who has the patience to implement the partner system with Florian after Mara says she doesn’t want to do it anymore. The patience of a saint despite being a little shit about everything.

Mara -Mara’s incredibly sentimental. And she gets nostalgic very easily. She thinks about her family a lot. Everything before the Ravens. She doesn’t even really talk to Florian about it. How she misses her dad, how she writes her mom cards she doesn’t send every mother’s day. Her memories of her childhood are precious to her when she doesn’t have any items to hang onto it. However, that also transfers to the nest. After graduating she clings to those memories, to everything she has of the ravens. The good and the bad.

Emiko - She has godawful imposter syndrome. I mean imagining spending most of your life trying to be the best, actually being the best. You’re captain of your team, you make olympic court immediately because you’re just that good. And it’s never acknowledged because your little brother is just handed it all while you had to earn it. When Riko is praised for all the same things and she’s never praised for any of it it makes her wonder if she’s as good as she thinks she is. She wonders a lot if her name has gotten her where she is. She spends a lot of time thinking about how she must’ve tricked everyone into thinking she’s this good, that she deserves Court, because if she was really this good her family would’ve admitted it by now. Nothing she does will ever be good enough. For Tetsuji and for herself.

Jude - He can actually be so difficult to get to know and incredibly aloof and distant. Jude spends so much of his time caring about other people and being focused on giving them his time and energy that oftentimes there's very little of him left. He's very dedicated to his relationships and his friends and family but its to a point where he can know your deepest, darkest secrets and you'll realize you don't even know his favorite color or if he drinks coffee every morning or what he did over the weekend. He really has forgotten, in ways, how to even talk about himself. So much of what he shares about himself is attached to someone else that people struggle learning things about him outside of that. They know he loves his team and he loves his dog and he loves his moms. They don't know that he goes to the record shop on main street in the city he and Merrick live in every Sunday morning. They don't know that his favorite movie is The Mummy and he'll never choose anything else if he's allowed to pick the film on movie night. They don't know that his favorite color isn't red, it's green or blue (and you can't make him decide). They don't know that he started little league exy as a goalie and promptly burst into tears the first time he got a ball to the face. They don't know that he can quote the majority of the star wars films and that he buys every copy of lord of the rings he can get his hands on and that he's obsessed with the dinosaurs in jurassic park. They don't know that he did photography on the side to help pay for college. That he wants be a journalist and sports commentator after he retires, and only coach little league. Jude as an individual is very hard to know. He's so focused on giving to other people that he can often forget that they just want him as he is.

Merrick - I think it's really something only Jude, and maybe the foxes, see. It's how hard he tries. For everything. Most people think Merrick is incredibly uncaring and doesn't put effort into healing or forming healthy relationships. But only Wymack saw the late nights where he called his parents, attempting to mend their relationship. And only Jude sees the frustration over a lost game and letting down his team. Only he knows about the flowers left on his sisters grave, that they're the only ones regularly replaced, that he'll always fresh ones before the last bouquet can go bad. It obviously took so much effort for him to get clean. And he relapsed multiple times. And I think people overlook how hard he tries to stay clean. How determined he is to be better than his parents, to be better than who he was.

Angel - It's either his temper or the fact that he exists on the entire concept of "you never stop missing your mom". He's so angry, so often. And in high school that became very internal and after having Phoebe it's something he's very determined to work on and change. But the weirdest things will set him off. He got into fights all the time as a kid. And once with the foxes it was easy enough to piss him to the point of nearly taking a swing (though he for the most part he just tells the person that if they don't stop he will fucking deck them). He's got a pretty good grasp on it now, but because he doesn't express it often his temper definitely gets missed. And then there's the fact that he just constantly wants his mom. And that's something he's so so scared to admit. Cause bringing up his mom in his house as a kid was not allowed. His dad would get so upset about it and it only ended in pain for him. It's only during full blown meltdowns or panic attacks that he'll ask for his mom and it really slips out. But it's truly something that'll never leave him. Anytime Phoebe won't go to sleep he wants his mom. They win a game, he wants his mom. He got a 100 on his exam for the first time ever, he wants his mom. He has to book an appointment, he wants his mom. He can't fall asleep, he wants his mom. It is the littlest things. And he hates it because he can barely even remember who it is he's missing. He was so young that whenever he ends up begging for his mom he doesn't even have a clear picture of who he's asking for. She might as well be a stranger to him. Yet despite it she'll always be the first person he thinks of whenever he needs someone.

Emeryk - Emeryk clings to guilt like it's a lifeline. He has so many regrets. And it's absolutely not something anyone is allowed to know. He holds onto guilt that isn't his. He feels guilt for people who refuse to feel it themselves. He feels the guilt of his father, of his mother too, and of the man he currently serves. He feels the guilt of pain he couldn't prevent and the pain he, himself, endured. He is not a good person and that will never change and he feels terrible about it. He knows in every universe he chooses his own survival first and in every universe he feels guilt for all the people he chose to let suffer in doing so.

[mag200]

have you bitten the hand that feeds? will you bite the hand that feeds? when will you bite the hand that feeds?

[phoannix]

“CHONKY BOI”

so fucking real ford <33

[tara-the-star]

💐🌷spread the love to the people you’re glad you’ve found in this corner of the internet 💐

- @ninyard

dfsjhjk thank you nin <3

[macbethz]

My niche little passion project, a 1994 music magazine from a world where the microchip was never invented, replaced by neuron computers pioneered for electronic music 

text only and "behind the scenes" (unedited photos and lore)

high quality PDF free on gumroad!

[amiablesummer]

I want, I want, I want.

1. Tiana Clark, from "Maybe in Another Life" // 2. Emily Henry, from "Happy Place" // 3. Holly Warburton // 4. @lena-oleanderson // 5. Zinaida Voysota Docenko // 6. pinterest // 7. Anna Haifisch // 8. Leo Berne // 9. Ethel Cain, “Sun-bleached Flies” // 10. Anaïs Nin, from “Winter of Artifice” // 11. pinterest // 12. AURORA, “This Could Be A Dream”// 13. mine // 14. Andrés Kal, detail from “How Long Must I Wait”// 15. mine // 16. Aimee Wai