#ngl I’ve been feeling kind of lonely

[a-very-fond-farewell]

me: I can’t go on like this

me: *caresses a framed picture of my bed while singing Two Avocados under my breath*

[bunniekittiee]

Hi! Hi! Sorry for asking, mind if I ask if you are open request for the hc or fic? Since I have a brilliant idea, about Bi-han and bi-han s/o.

"They fell first, they fell harder but he never fell. He fell too late until he realized he's late for apologize."

I’ll answer this in headcanons and a little drabble just because I’ve been cranking out fics like crazy so I need something else to switch it up. This is kind of long ngl but I couldn't help it. Might have some spelling errors.

Reader gets referred to as a woman and such, so fem. reader.

Bi-Han x Reader; Raiden x Reader

If you are married to Bi-Han for your clans sake, he sees your marriage as a business ordeal.

To him, he is not romantically interested because he only married you for clan purposes. He does not love you.

That is the sad truth and truly it bothers you.

A marriage was supposed to be based around love and support, not business.

However Bi-Han saw it differently.

There is not many interactions between you two. He stays away and you stay out of his way.

You eat dinner together but there is not much conversation. Sometimes he will talk about certain events, but he will never really ask about your day.

If he does, he is just curious to know what you have done while he’s been tending to his duties.

There is nothing special about the bed time routine.

He will stay on his side of the bed and sleep with his back turned to you.

The nights can feel really lonely and make you really sad.

Sometimes he will lower the temperature of the bed so it doesn’t get too hot.

To keep you somewhat comfortable.

But what you truly crave is the touch of the man you married.

Although Bi-Han is standoffish and not exactly the most welcoming, you have still fallen in love with him.

Every imperfection of Bi-Han is just an extra part of him to love.

He sees it in your eyes when he catches your gaze, and honestly it strokes his big ass ego that you are in love with him.

He cannot say the same for you, though. :(

You like to do special things for him to get his attention and appreciation.

Such as cooking his favorite meals, preparing his uniforms, even going as far as stitching together his ruined ones.

He appreciates it, he may not exactly show it but he does, however he feels that you are simply doing this to make him love you.

So it can kind of annoy him.

You try to show him some sorts of affection, but Bi-Han will only really allow kisses. He will reject hugs often.

It hurts but at least you can still show him some affection.

Kuai Liang and Tomas both see how much you love Bi-Han, but they see that look in their brother’s eyes.

Void of any infatuation of you, let alone romance.

They will comfort you when you feel unloved and uncared for.

Tomas wishes the circumstances were different for you, but he tells you that maybe one day Bi-Han will realize that he does love you.

Kuai Liang shoots him a look that says ‘don’t give her hope’.

They don’t want you to be hurt or to hold onto Bi-Han in hopes of him returning the same feelings.

Kuai Liang and Tomas took you out to eat dinner at Madame Bo's which is where you met some of their friends. It was Johnny, Raiden, Kung Lao, and Kenshi.

They were interested in you as you were a new face, and Kuai Liang introduced you as the Grandmaster's wife. Johnny thinks that you are too stunning for grouchy old Bi-Han.

"You are married to Bi-Han?" Johnny asks in almost complete shock. "I didn't even know he was married. How did he get so lucky with a pretty woman like you?"

Blushing at his words, you just smile. Kung Lao rolls his eyes. "Stop flirting with the Grandmaster's wife, otherwise your head will end up on a ice pick."

"It will all be worth it in the end." Johnny replies with a small wink at you. Kenshi chuckles quietly.

Kuai Liang notices how Raiden looks at you, his mouth slightly agape at your beautiful form. He thinks it is a little funny but also sweet. He almost wished Bi-Han would do the same for you. He sees Raiden's eyes travel down to take you in completely, wearing blue and black to match Bi-Han's uniforms. Matching with Bi-Han who hardly ever took you out.

Tomas is a little oblivious to it, he doesn't see it at first until Kuai Liang points it out. You and Raiden strike up a conversation, and the Thunder God is fumbling over his words. He has a serious blush on his cheeks, and Kung Lao almost feels bad for the inexperienced Raiden. You, however, think it's very cute. You relish in the attention he gives you because Bi-Han hardly ever paid any mind to you. It makes you feel good, it makes you feel wanted.

There is some guilt that gnaws at you though. Almost as if you are doing something bad behind Bi-Han's back, but his siblings were sitting a couple feet away from you, so it wasn't bad right? By the end of the night, Raiden has fallen head over heels for your kind, compassionate personality. Just like Johnny, he wondered what Bi-Han did to deserve such a sweetheart like you. He feels disappointed when it is time for you to leave with the brothers. The moment you leave, everyone is grilling him.

"You made it super obvious that you are interested, Raiden." Kenshi states humorously. "I could hear your heart race from here."

Raiden internally groans. "Was it really that obvious?"

"Totally Thunder Lad. But she was enjoying the attention." Johnny grinned mischeviously. "I don't think Bi-Han is exactly taking care of her."

"It's Bi-Han, he probably treats his wife like she's a warrior." Kung Lao said as he took a sip of his tea.

You are on Raiden's mind at every possible moment after he first meets you. He seriously could not wait to see you again even though he felt like it was wrong. You were married to another man, but you were too good for him.

Kuai Liang and Tomas discuss that night in their chambers about how Raiden was acting.

They honestly think it was cute to see you both interacting with each other. they thought of puppy love when they saw you together.

But they knew it was good to be wary because of Bi-Han. He may not have loved you, but you were still his wife.

Bi-Han asks you how your night was with his brothers. He sees that dazed look in your eyes and wonders what happened.

You just tell him you met their friends. Bi-Han just nods his head and tells you that he is glad that you had a good time. But he is wondering why you seem much more giddier.

It feels so wrong, but you continue to think about Raiden. When you make dinners for Bi-Han or do little tasks, you pretend that you are doing them for Raiden.

To get the look of approval and love that Bi-Han never shared with you.

Kuai and Tomas wonder if it is better to have you separate from Bi-Han. Although the word of divorce would not be a good look, it is better than possibly committing adultery.

Then they wonder if Bi-Han will willingly let you go.

They try to bring it up to him in different ways and Bi-Han never really catches on.

Until one day, Kuai Liang brings it up outright and Bi-Han is a little taken aback.

But Bi-Han thinks about it. Although he shared a life with you, you were not exactly in it.

Impulsively, he decides. Might as well break it off now, and he negotiates another deal with your old clan.

When he broke the news, you felt your heart break. Even though you were starting to think about Raiden, your heart was still with Bi-Han.

Kuai and Tomas felt horrible when they saw how awful you felt, but they knew it would work out for you in the end. It was better this way, they were convinced.

You moved back with your clan, and you thought that Kuai and Tomas would stop taking you out, but they did not. They still kept in touch with you often. They never brought up Bi-Han or talked about him out of respect for you.

The other Earthrealmers heard about your split from Bi-Han and they knew it would not last too long.

Raiden felt liable for your divorce, but part of him was joyous. Without Bi-Han in the picture, he had a chance.

Kuai and Tomas took you out again to Madame Bo's when you felt like you were ready.

Raiden is in awe of how free and wonderful you look. It was as if you had gotten more stunning after your relationship with Bi-Han ended.

Seeing Raiden makes your heart flutter and you immediately sit by him.

Johnny makes a comment about how the Lin Kuei colors were not fitting for you and you laugh.

Raiden feels himself start to get flustered when you two interact. You both are much more handsy but in innocent ways.

Kung Lao cannot help that stupid grin on his face and he gives Raiden a look. Raiden rolls his eyes.

As the night continues, you and Raiden are in your own world.

When it is time to leave, Raiden walks you home. You get the courage to tell him that you are interested in him, but you feel that it is too soon to get into another relationship.

He completely understands, and he takes your hands and tells you that he would wait an eternity to be with such a wonderful woman like you.

You become flustered and both say goodbye. He cannot help but smile like a madman when he is walking back.

When it is time, Raiden is so thrilled. He feels honored to be with someone similar to him.

Your heart swells with love when you see Raiden. He makes you feel much more appreciated and adored than Bi-Han had ever done.

Kuai and Tomas congratulate you both on your new relationship. They are happy for you, and it is good to see you in a happy, equal relationship.

However, Bi-Han was troubled. He did not notice it at first, and it did not hit him right away until more time passed. His chambers were empty, there were no more warm meals from you, he had to be treated in med bay for his wounds instead of you taking care of him, his uniforms were never patched up, he never got to wake up to you next to him. The Arctika felt lonely without your presence. He ate dinner with his brothers, but the empty spot next to him made him long for you.

He did not realize how much of a difference you made in his life. With your sweet kisses that you pressed to his face or his lips or the loving gaze you had when you crossed paths with him.

His moods faltered. He really started to miss you, and his brothers could see that he was struggling. They felt culpable because they convinced him to divorce, but it was for your own good. Deep down, they both knew you deserved better than Bi-Han. And you did get better, you had Raiden.

The brothers were able to convince Bi-Han to go out for dinner. Just the three of them. Bi-Han surprisingly agreed, but he still felt melancholy. It upset him that his wife could not go with them. So he was in a sour mood when they arrived.

Raiden always took you out no matter what, he loved being with you and showing you off. His friends were overjoyed that you both were a couple now. Kung Lao always teased you both. But truly, they were happy.

Sitting at the table with the men, your eyes were met with cold, hurting brown eyes. Your breath slightly hitched as Bi-Han watched Raiden's arm snake around your waist while he was talking. His eyes narrowed and his face was screwed up in displeasure. Seeing Raiden touch you in intimate ways made Bi-Han clench his jaw as he furiously watched as Raiden held your hand with his free one. It should have been Bi-Han holding you. It should have been him next to you. You should have been with him tonight, not Raiden.

But Bi-Han saw how happy you looked with him. He saw you show emotions that he never saw from you when you were with him. It made him regretful. He should have been better with you.

He turned his eyes away from you and stared at the table. Tomas and Kuai Liang both felt the miserable energy radiating from Bi-Han. He was too late to change things. You were happy with someone else. And that was final. He could not change a thing about it. Although he badly wanted to grab you and take you back to the Arctika, he could not bring himself to move. You were not his.

[bless-my-demons]

Redamancy: Chapter Sixteen

Series Summary: What happens when your soulmate is a vampire that struggles to maintain a diet of trying not to kill you? Common sense says run for the hills, nothing is worth your life - but my heart is whispering why not, what’s there to lose?

Warnings: angsty angst… it’s not getting better anytime soon lol and a few cuss words.

Notes: Ngl this one is a little light on the word count(so sorry!), but ya girl has been dealing with a week of no power following a hurricane… This chapter still hurt me in the chest, but I’m trying to be patient while I get to the juicy bits! If the name I have for your blog isn’t working, please let me know and I can fix it asap for you!

Word Count: 1300

Series Masterlist

• Late September, 2005 • Forks HS •

Reader

Getting involved romantically with a vampire - what’s there to lose?

Everything, apparently.

To include my sanity, my piece and fucking quiet too.

“Did you finally scare him off? Or did he realize he could do better and run for the hills?” Lauren Mallory sneers, Forks High School’s resident bitch.

Her manicured hand slowly slides up my locker door and snaps it shut, I manage to snatch my hand back in time to avoid the thin metal before it could do any damage.

Rolling my eyes, I turn and head towards my next class silently, not in the mood to engage for fear of tossing fuel onto her fire. I can hear her cackle as I walk away, thankfully she doesn’t follow or I would’ve truly lost it.

Rounding the corner and finally out of her line of sight, I beeline for the nearest bathroom. Stumbling in, I push open the closest unoccupied stall and sit on the toilet, bag in my lap.

Eyes closed, deep breaths, it’s fine. Everything is fine. Her words mean nothing and they’re empty, she’s an opportunistic cunt and doesn’t know the situation. Her words mean nothing, Y/n.

Except they plant a seed of doubt anyways.

He did run for the hills, they all did. I told him I loved him and nothing. Gone, erased from my life, ripped off like a stuck band aid that leaves behind a red welt and a slight sting.

Except there’s nothing slight about the sting in my chest. Breathe Y/n, or you’ll lose the fucking plot and freak. With shaking hands, I pull out a pack of gum and unwrap a stick - something minty to focus on.

Two quick knocks on the stall door break me from my thoughts, “Occupied!” I manage to choke out.

“It’s me, you alright?” Angela Weber’s quiet voice rings out in the otherwise empty bathroom.

“Oh um, yeah. I-I’m okay.” The tremble in my voice is obvious, but thankfully she affords me the nicety of not commenting on it.

“Okay, well I just wanted to check on you.” A pause, “I saw what happened in the hallway, she’s wrong you know.” My breath hitches and I know she hears it. “Everyone saw the way he looked at you… Just know, she’s wrong.”

I watch under my stall door as her white tennis shoes disappear and the main bathroom door swings shut, quickly swallowing a sob trying to worm it’s way up my throat.

Some days he feels like a figment of my imagination, a dream I dreamt and can’t discern from reality. And some days I’m reminded that he was real, that he made me feel things I can’t get rid of.

Things I really wished I could get rid of.

One of the worst side effects of them being gone is how lonely I didn’t realize I’d be without them. I mean, from my first day here Jasper captivated me.

Now… Now everything seems dull and draining. A different kind of quiet that leaves me empty, a complete opposite to his comfortable silence. No one to talk to, no one to look forward to seeing, no one that understands.

Well, one person understands.

But she’s not exactly here enough to carry a conversation. Not that I can blame her, I’ve been avoiding people in my own way. They either ask about them and why they’re gone or they look at me with pity, both of which I don’t care to experience.

The days begin blurring together, the rain that’s always pouring over the Olympic Peninsula drowns everything constantly - almost as if the sky is sad in solidarity with me. Music seems too itchy and loud, books are too hard to focus on to just read what’s on the page, and just about anything else I could think of to get him off my mind is too… Complex. Stressful. Monumentous. Impossible.

Three familiar rapid, but soft knocks at my door snap me from the reverie of my silent room.

“Dinner is ready, sweetheart.” I think the crease between my mother’s brow is a permanent fixture nowadays, one that’s entirely my fault.

“I’m not really hungry.” Watching her face fall immediately has me scrambling for a cover, “But I’m sure I’ll be hungry later if you save some in the fridge.” The smile I give her isn’t fooling anyone, but at least I’m trying.

I have to try.

“Okay baby girl, you say the word and I’ll heat it up for you.” She lingers a few beats longer, her grip on the doorframe looks like it’s the only thing keeping her upright before she retreats downstairs.

My mom isn’t the most involved in my life and I prefer it that way, but Jasper being gone… The way it’s affected me is also taking its toll on her and it’s obvious. Guilt begins worming it’s way into my chest and prickles at the corners of my eyes, fuck.

I have to try.

• Late October, 2005 • Ithaca, New York •

Jasper

Life has been… extremely off-kilter since that night.

My hunger comes with a vengeance I’ve never experienced and my moods? They rival Rosalie’s and I’m supposed to be able to control them.

I’ve tried going longer between feedings to try and beat this crisis into submission, but it feels as though I’m fighting an uphill battle and I can’t see the crest of the mountain. I’m drowning and these feelings are dragging me further from the surface, the light is getting harder to see and my lungs are screaming.

Emmett hasn’t spoken to me this entire time out of frustration and I get it. The rest of my family is on pins and needles, the silence at home stretching open with every passing moment. Esme has been nothing but a pile of worry since Edward decided to become nomadic for a while. A temptation I myself feel, but can’t act on - not while my hunger is this volatile. Carlisle is working the night shift at a nearby hospital, our new location not as overcast as our previous one. Alice… Alice is angry. I catch her staring off into space more often than not and I know, the temptation to ask is on the tip of my tongue, but I can’t bring myself to. Rose is strangely quiet, content to take care of small things around the house Esme would normally busy herself with and trying to cheer her mate up to no avail.

It all feels too much and not enough.

I know that if I could sleep, I would dream of her. I would try to at least. Try to remember her scent, the softness of her sweaters, the curve of her hip, the way she sinks into me when I hold her… White-hot flames lick me from the inside out and I close my eyes against the inferno, her smile a torturous image behind my eyelids. Get a grip - for fuck’s sake, you chose this to keep her safe.

I chose this to keep her safe.

I will keep her safe. Even if that means staying away from her, even if that means removing her, my heart, from my chest.

“I love you.”

Her confession rips through me even now, three of the most perfect combinations of words to grace those beautiful lips and I… Left her. Like a coward.

I left behind my heart on the driveway of a now cold and empty house. Alone. Unanswered.

But she’s safe. Safe from the monster crawling around under the surface of my skin, begging and pleading to be set free.

Safe from me.

Next

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@RavensandWriters -I couldn’t find your blog sweetheart! Your entry on google forms had spaces and I’m not sure if it might’ve auto-corrected, I’m so sorry!!🥺 if you see this, shoot me a PM or comment and I’ll fix it!

[imagine-darksiders]

Ngl chwh Draven would scare me witless. Not because he's undead, but because of his erotic attraction towards y/n. From what I've experienced that kind of attraction tends to degrade the other person to just their body, having little consideration for wants or needs. Especially considering he's from medieval times and sexism then was even more rampant among noble classes.

I know, it’s a thorny line to walk but I’ve been thinking very hard about how I’m going to write Draven’s character arc.

Draven isn’t of noble birth; I’m writing him as a vassal who owes a feudal Lord his military service in return for some land he was given, but he ends up rebelling against King and Country by raising an army to overthrow the crown. (Thinking of basing it on the Kett rebellion of 1549)

Anyway, yeah Draven is about 500 years removed from today’s societal norms, but I want his initial attraction to stem from the fact that he’s lonely and starved of another human’s company more than anything else. Kind of a ‘is it love or is he just lonely’ deal which will be a point of contention when he and Y/n spend more time together.

Y/n will feel a kinship with Draven because he was a human, and she’ll also sort of serve as a fixed point for him to start aligning his moral compass around.

[miellifluous]

oooh i had another bachi thought- you don’t have to write this if you’re not comfortable- bachira who has yandere tendencies (basically just being overly clingy and commited to reader) and everyone thinks he’s just crazy but it turns out reader feels the same towards him: super devoted and obsessed with loving him. like a slightly twisted couple that is obsessed w each other.

+ Gn! reader, yandere themes, obsession, possessiveness

•Bachira has such yandere potential, as i’ve mentioned before when he loves he loves hard

•It’s likely due to the fact that he’s been lonely throughout his childhood; him finding someone who fawns over him and doesn’t think of him as a freak makes him feel soooo good :(

•his mother would 100% support his obsession for you, she thinks it’s only natural for him to want to keep something he cherishes sm!!

•Bachira’s clinging onto you every moment he’s with you, groping you, kissing you, making sure everyone knows he’s the only one who gets to feel you

•He’s quite literally ready to do anything for you, get you whatever you’d want, kill anyone if need be all you have to do it ask

•And he loves it so much that you don’t find him overbearing!

•He very well knows he isn’t just in love, he knows what he feels for you bleeds into obsession and he definitely expected you to feel suffocated at one point but you don’t??? And he’s euphoric

•And he finds out you’re just as possessive over him, just as averse to let anyone take him away from you, it summons the lil fanboy in him

•it strokes his ego a fucking lot that you’d get jealous, he’d be the kind to rile you up just by talking to other people and seemingly being interested in them and he’d love to see just how far you’d go to keep him to yourself

•and he’d tease you about it like this man will not give u a break he’s gonna stick to your side and poke your cheek repeatedly and keep asking you impertinent questions

•Like i’ve mentioned mama Bachira has no problems with his son’s behavior and she’s so glad you smother him in love too!!

•It’s definitely hard for both of you to be away from each other, and that’s probably one of the few times Bachira doesn’t like playing soccer and being part of the Blue Lock experiment

•The other members of blue lock have gotten tired of hearing him gush abt you ngl 💀 it’s Isagi that bears the brunt

[thomine]

This is my five billionth time trying to come up with something, so let’s go. Thank you! <3

I’d consider myself an ambivert that primarily prefers being alone to indulge myself in my hobbies, but also hates being lonely. While I wouldn’t consider myself sociable, I’m a friendly person. I can easily chat with most people. I love learning about people and hearing what they like to talk about. But my natural inclination is to cling to my alone time.

I am a very analytical person at heart. I like studying things to know why and how they work. This applies very much so to people. Because of this, I tend to be known as a smart person. At work, I am fast and accurate. I understand how my duties and others work in the big picture. I’m quick to notice when things are wrong and can point out where the error lies. I have a reputation for being a quick and reliable helper.

I’m generally known as a logical person. While I do have a temperament, I’m not seen as emotional. I make decisions with a level head. I’m not weak either. I love debates and arguments. I enjoy raising my voice. I do not hesitate to stand my ground if need be. If I get mad at someone, it’s typically because they’re contradicting themselves or saying something that makes no sense.

That being said, I’m lacking in many ways too. I’ve been told many times that I am a mean person. Apparently my way of speaking makes some feel like they’re being humiliated or mocked. I lack sympathy. I’m too outspoken. I serve primarily my own motives, not others. I’m stubborn, a know-it-all, selfish, etc etc etc.

My biggest insecurity is being misunderstood. I have a hard time verbalizing my feelings/opinions and conveying my intent which has gotten me in a lot of trouble in the past. That being said, what bothers me isn’t being seen as a good and kind person, but simply as being perceived inaccurately. I want to be understood as I am without changing myself to be more palatable to others. I may be selfish and unsympathetic, but I’m more than that.

So who would you pair me with? 👀 @paimonial-rage

this is a gift.

if you would like one of your own, please read my post here that lists what i'm willing to do and what to expect for a non-gift.

i wanted to pair you up with zhongli, ngl. but anyways, picture this:

you're in a debate with someone, temper agitated and argument points hot enough to dissolve your opponent's ego in the akademiya building. such a sight is common in the school, so you don't bother with the stares and looks knowing they'll treat you like background noise eventually. you raise your voice, disturbing those in the vicinity, but your adversary is literally covering their ears to combat your logical brilliance. it isn't long till they declare a stalemate. when you and your opposer part ways, you want to go home quickly but someone taps you on your shoulder...

it's tighnari. maybe you briefly recognize him considering his reputation in the academia and among the forest watchers. maybe you don't, but that doesn't bother him. reputation is just the backdrop of a person, not the person itself.

although... tighnari has heard of you. as you said, you're known as an analytical person, someone smart. he has a penchant for such people, and bonus if they can speak their minds. you're efficient, quick, reliable, which is everything tighnari wished he had in his colleagues. in some sense, perhaps he already has a small admiration for what he heard about you, but he's wary to place labels on these feelings. he doesn't know if you have a favorite color. he doesn't know if you like mushrooms. small steps, it's what he believes in, so when he sees the chance to approach you, he takes it without hesitation.

your debate intrigues him, and he has a few questions. he doesn’t mind talking to you there and then, but he has something to rush for in a few minutes. exchanging addresses to mail each other letters is the ideal thing to do.

you're not a sociable person, but that's not an issue for him. he's alright with initiating. anyways, he approached you, didn't he? after you exchange details, don't be surprised if you receive a letter here and there. at first, it's to expand on your argument, but casual topics are gradually discussed. and conversation, i believe, will flow smoothly with how you're open to hearing him ramble about his interest in plants and the ecosystems of the forest. it will be comfortable, and exciting in some ways, to have him write to you about the contraptions they use at the forest. from traps to capture berserk animals to their machinery of conveniences.

perhaps at some point in your brewing relationship, he invites you to the forest ranger's headquarters. tighnari's hands are shakier than expected, temperament more fragile than ice in the summer. he warns his colleagues with an infamous streak of trouble to not do anything silly, but of course something has to happen. a forest ranger carelessly discarded a trap they used in an old mission, causing the injuries of a wandering adventurer.

he's livid, marching silently towards the crime scene. he insisted that you stay at headquarters and wait for him, but somehow you find yourself tagging along. the guilty forest ranger is doing his best to deal with his mistakes, but his lack of knowledge on medicine makes it worse, causing tighnari's rage to grow.

it's not long till he raises his voice, eyes aimed at one person, tongue reprimanding left, right, front, center. the forest ranger shivers as if stripped naked in winter, and tighnari quickly deals with the adventurer's injuries.

he doesn't bring it up on the walk back or when he accompanies you out of the forest after a long day of planned (and unplanned) activities. instead, it's you. it's a levelheaded conversation, of tighnari's reaction, of the forest ranger's reactions, and ends with practical suggestions on how such situations can be minimized. he had people talk with him about his temper. they always say he acts out of line, but you don't, at least, not without understanding his point of view. you can see why he would be angry.

something clicks in him, and such a situation makes him crave your essence more.

hanging out with tighnari isn't tiring. he is a busy man so time is precious to him. he will plan and arrange days to do certain activities he thinks you might be keen on, but he'll also arrange times to do as each wishes, understanding the need to invest and indulge in one's passions. he doesn't need quick responses from his letters, and neither do you. it seems like he's an uptight person with all the planning, but he's actually extremely flexible, as required in the nature of his job.

of course, not everything is sunshine and rainbows. there are times your harsh and straightforward ways of speech has irked tighnari in his times of stress. he does not appreciate having your words slice through his already thinning patience, and arguments can erupt. it doesn't help that both of you are stubborn. but, he does not fault you for the way you speak or the sides you take. in fact, when others call you selfish, he calls you reasonable. the first rule he learned in biology is that fools don't look after their own needs, and this also applies to humans.

eventually, after having thought through thoroughly of each person's position, logic will prevail. consensus and compromises formed, and arguments quelled.

you say your biggest insecurity is being misunderstood. tighnari is not one to quickly place judgement on people. since the very beginning, he is aware that what he hears of someone is not everything. as researcher of plants and organisms, he knows how assumptions suffocate the growth of a plant. one needs to pause, to observe, to notice, which is exactly what he is. he relies on his senses and experience and less on prediction and universal rules. he is someone in tune with his surroundings; always open to be proved wrong. as a researcher, isn't it exciting when you're faced with the truth that you don't know everything? there is no worry of making yourself palatable for him. he appreciates you as you are, and will do the best within his knowledge and means to make sure he understands you as you.

i hope you liked my analysis.... i'm sorry if it's not a structured as what you did for me, or as interesting or accurate (idk??). i found it pretty hard to write without incorporating some sort of scenario or story so i hope that's alright!

[griancraft]

Ok as per my last post. This is Long and very much about my feelings so uh don’t read it if you don’t want to. Also I’m aware I sound genujneky crazy for half of this I’m just really really mentally ill in ways I don’t talk about here at all and now I am sharing them and it’s. A little scary but oh well. The system stuff is the stuff I’m most concerned about right now to be honest bc it effects my day to day and if anyone has any kind words or thoughts on what to do I’ll be happy to listen

Please read my previous post if you’re mad /gen I don’t think I say anything bad here but I have really bad morality ocd so like uhm I am scared to post this!!! Prev post

Also I’m very sorry that the prose is terrible to read and my spelling is shit I have dyspraxia which is a coordination thing and it’s worse rn

The maybe I was boring album came on yesterday while I was cleaning and I had to stop what I was doing and turn it off halfway through because I just couldn’t stop hearing an admission. I wasn’t even sad I was just. So done with it. I still am just kinda like. God I hope Shelby is doing ok with all this being public now. I’m glad she was able to heal like she said and I’m glad she made the video dude.

I almost got his lyrics tattooed if that’s testament to how much I loved his early music. It’s not connecting in my brain that this music that’s been apart of my life for like 4 years and helped me through so much was made by an abuser.

But like, in retrospect you can see it. I can’t bear to delete ycgma off my mp3 player bc I related to his songs so much as an abused lonely teenager but I also can’t bare to listen to it. I learned the fall on my guitar as my final exam and I used to repeat his lyrics to myself to cope with abuse and I wish I could still love these songs. I dressed like his dsmp character bc I thought it made me look cool. Which is lame as fuck to admit now lol

Originally I was planning on pirating them and I like, can’t especially after that manipulative ass statement. How much was an act? I don’t know. I don’t know if I’m a bad person because I still kinda do want to listen to that music again. I still want to feel that safe but I know I won’t feel that way anymore.

with dsmp stuff I think I’m going to be still able to look back fondly on it generally and I don’t think I’ll ever stop. The community was what made it and the community is what I loved, and i still do. I don’t think I’m going to reblog art of him specifically but if he’s in it I might. Idk. My policy on dream fanart is if he’s not alone in the art and it’s dsmp or mcc related I reblog so I guess I’ll continue that here. Im sorry if that sounds callous I just. Am not prepared to talk about this so I’m going back and forth

And like. We also have a wilbur factive/fictive and we have for years now and nobody in our system knows how to feel about that. He formed to fill the role of a big brother (I was being heavily emotionally neglected at that point and needed someone to be there for me) and protector from my parents abuse. Obviously, he is entirely separate from his source now bc alters change a lot for me but how we picture him is still wilbur. he’s literally just some guy now but grappling with that connection is fucked up dude it’s weird. He’ll probably further distance himself but it still fucking sucks and I don’t know how to communicate the cognitive dissonance we had to push through bc our brain struggled at first to make sense of how this person who we liked so much that he became the template for a Protector to shield us from the emotional neglect and abuse, essentially, is a terrible person. I’m sorry I know people who aren’t systems, and some who are ngl, will find this fuckibg nuts and I get that but we’re a very very internal person like I just. Kinda am with us as a system a lot and nobody else. It feels like my safe space that I’ve created in my head has been marred. Also. uhm. Our alters speak in distinct voices so it’s bad bad for me rn and we are trying to fix it. I know I know fictives and factives arenttheir source but that doesn’t change that it makes me feel gross. I’m rambling rn I’m sorry. Support Shelby.

[leosxrealm]

https://www.tumblr.com/leosxrealm/741425875076186112/why-do-i-feel-like-lewis-is-retiring-soon-hes?source=share

Why do u think that

honestly that just popped in my head when i first saw the rumors/announcements

and i feel like i should give some kind of warnings here - i’m fairly new to f1 (yes leo we know you’ve mentioned that 1000s of times) but i have seen bits and pieces of the f1 world here and there before. so i might be completely wrong about literally everything

moving on🗣️

i started officially following and watching f1 since last september/october, and i’ve always thought lewis looked kind of lonely?

he doesn’t have a lot of friends on the grid. he is civil with his fellow drivers but that doesn’t mean he considers them a friend (imo)

that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have friends at all. he does have friends outside of f1 but due to him traveling sm, he doesn’t get to meet them often.

both his friends on the grid (seb and nico) are retired. (and other issues that i’m guessing we all know)

also the reason he doesn’t have a lot of friends might be because of his “introverted” personality (he doesn’t interact with drivers a lot or participate in conversations)

“introverted” in brackets bc it might be forced (?)

this is from an article i was reading

and it just might be because all other f1 drivers (except alonso) have met as kids at some point in their life (he doesn’t get along with alonso so he isn’t really left with a lot of options)

and i’m pretty sure these were rumors (about lewis wanting to quit after the 2021 season) but you can’t help but think if there’s a possibility they might be true

i think (this is just my opinion don’t come after me) that lewis did want to quit after 2021, we all know he ain’t a quitter so he gave f1 and mercedes another chance, but with max/red bull domination, he doesn’t see much hope for himself, of him winning another title

mercedes hasn’t been the same like it was in the 2010s neither have ferrari

makes you question why would lewis wanna go to a team that hasn’t been doing good lately, and then lewis posted on instagram with that caption “chance to fulfill another childhood dream. driving in ferrari red.”

and welp, he can only do that when he’s still on the grid

also the fact that he’s 39 and he just might think that his time’s almost over. he’s gonna be 40 in 2025 by the time he joins ferrari

“bUt aLoNsO iS sTiLL dRiViNg” he’s not alonso. seb retired in his 30s, lewis might wanna do it now

lewis has signed a multi-year contract with ferrari and i think he might stay till 2026/2027 to check out the new team (audi) and then leave

and yeah all that stuff makes me think that lewis might be leaving soon </3

racing might be the only thing lewis has known and i’ve only known racing with lewis in it. ngl, i might not be his biggest fan but i’ll miss him

also such a random and probably mean thing to say but i don’t think red is lewis’ colour. or maybe i’m just too used to seeing him in merc colours :(

side note: my inbox is open for discussion just don’t be rude :]

that’s all i have to say

“tHaTs aLL i hAvE tO sAy” proceeds to write an entire essay

[littlecactiguy]

@yellowmagicalgirl

Rather than add onto our post again, I decided to write out what's been simmering in my thoughts in a Harrow the Ninth-inspired study, with Penny in Gideon's position in Ruby's head.

Ruby, like Harrow, locked her Cavalier away in her head with help (I sort of imply the brain surgery, but don't actually describe it here).

ngl I'm not entirely sure how the end of HtN would go in this au. I do like Penny ending up in a position similar to Kiriona at some point, though that's also largely due to me really liking the idea of inserting Copper in as a Nona (which I can concede is partial bias toward my own oc for Reasons) and them perhaps interacting.

Except that begs the question of, if Ruby's not in her body, then where'd she go? (talk to Maria in the Tomb maybe...)

(I also really like your idea about Ruby being speedy, especially bc it also kind of reflects her semblance. Though I'm not as well-versed in tlt theories - I have never been more frustrated that I left my copies of the books back with my family some states away.)

Anyways, here's a short(ish) study in the 2nd Person from Penny's POV (also the first time I think I've tried 2nd person pov, so that was fun)

Ruby.

I love you. I have always loved you. I always will.

I will do anything for you. I did everything for you.

I would do it all again.

So, why did you lock me away?

I know I’m not…I was never as good as you, as good as the others. I tried my best, but I…

I thought…

Do you not love me back?

I don’t understand. It was enough. My soul. We did it. You became a Lyctor, and it was enough. You lived.

Cinder didn’t.

It was worth it.

Then you sought her out. The one who helped Cinder, who lied to our faces, pretended to be our friend, and—

I don’t understand, Ruby. I’ve been trying to. It’s all I can do, inside this tomb you’ve made for me. Emerald tried to—

She and Cinder almost succeeded in—

And yet you—

She could have killed you. I watched. I fought her. I fought you.

You looked in the mirror when it was done. After they found you where you lay unconscious in that cold, dark prison. After they interrogated Emerald on what she had done and she replied, only what she asked me to do. After they healed you. After they tried, and failed, to free me.

You looked in the mirror. My eyes looked back at you.

You didn’t remember me. You still don’t.

We were together almost our whole lives and you threw it all away.

I loved you.

I still do.

But I…

Everyday since they brought you here, you struggle. You may have been faster, but you never had my strength, and now you’ve rejected it. You lift the blade they gave you, but it’s not enough. Not to deflect the General’s attacks. Not to parry his sword away. Your speed has kept his blade from your heart so far, but it can’t forever.

I know you fear he will kill you. I can feel it. I could have protected you. I swore I’d always protect you. Even before the vow left my lips.

You were the first thing I ever saw on the Ninth. I was alone. My father put in me in that pod and sent it away. He didn’t even put in coordinates. He didn’t know of anywhere I’d be safe. He hoped.

And I arrived on the Ninth. Months and months later. I mapped the stars that passed outside the only window I had on the journey. I wondered if they’d be the last thing I ever saw before my body finally deteriorated enough that I would be lost.

Except I arrived on the Ninth. I remember seeing its form grow bigger and bigger in that little window. I remember being relieved I would crash, because the journey would finally be over then, and I wouldn’t be lonely anymore.

And I wasn’t, just not how I thought.

It was terrifying, seeing the entry panel of the pod be jostled, my father’s last work, his sealing of it, being broken. Then, you got it open, and our eyes met.

You commented on mine being so bright so quickly I didn’t have the chance to say the same about yours.

No one had ever said anything like that to me before then. No one besides my father had ever talked to me before then either. No one on the Ninth would talk to me, not like you did. Not even your Uncle Qrow, though he was a little better than most.

You meant the world to me, Ruby. You still do. You always will.

I was meant to protect you.

Why won’t you let me?

My strength could be yours. My resilience. Every sword I wielded, I did for you.

Your arms tremble as you try to hold one now. You look at the General across the training arena. We both see the cold calculation in his eyes. They’re green, like mine. They aren’t his. We’ve both wondered who they once belonged to.

I wonder if that soul is like me. I hope they aren’t.

You told me, once, my world would never be a the littlest of windows ever again.

You lied.

[evvlevie]

hiii eviee!!! new anon and fellow virgo here!! 💕💕

first let me tell you i’ve been following for awhile now and you’re really so sweet and kind, you make my shifting journey feel less lonely (since i don’t really have shifting friends).

so as i said, i’m also a virgo so this whole thing of personally finding what works best for me in regards of shifting makes me feel really confused, like i want to follow some rules or instructions idk 😭

anyways, i've already read most of your pinned posts and i'm actually really excited about using loa to shift (i was recently thinking about manifesting entering the void and shift from there with loa, but i honestly don't know if i’m just complicating things😭). well, back to the point, is it okay if i record tapes myself with affirmations regarding shifting, void state, or both, and listen to them on loop when sleeping or doing my chores or simply in my free time?

ngl, since i got into the shifting community, back in 2022, i heard about the loa applied to shifting but i was always a little skeptical about it bc it was just hard to believe for me that just by using it i would shift suddenly (i’m just used to trust more in methodical tools like meditation or things like that haha).

any tips you think might be helpful for me? also, do you have some affirmations (or any affirmations post) that i can add to the tapes if i record them? :33

thank you so much in advance! take care of yourself and i’m hoping to give you a shifting success story soon (if i don’t end up permashifting haha) 💕💕

hello my dear virgo anon 👀

I totally feel you, when it comes to needing instructions!

This has been a problem for me too in the shifting and manifestations community as I always felt like I needed a clear recipe on what exactly to do in order to get results.

Here is the thing: You shift/manifest as soon as you "expect" a certain thing to happen. if you feel like meditation is the most logical method that could lead to success then obviously you subconsciously think that this method is going to guarantee the most success.

recording tapes with affirmations is actually a thing that many many people in the manifestation/shifting community do, and if you think they might work for you, then please go for it! ❤️

other than that I shifting doesn't necessarily need to happen through the void, I for example have manifested so much stuff in my life so far and I have never even come close to the void state. If you believe that this is something you need to do because it makes the most sense to you, then please keep going. Because trying stuff that goes against your instincts or feel counter intuitive will not bring you closer to your goals ❤️

As for instructions I can only tell you this:

Manifestation and shifting are the very same thing. If you can manifest something, then you can shift. Every single manifestation IS a shift in realities already. So you basically are already shifting all the time without doing any big methods in the first place. Keep that in mind.

and when it comes to manifestations there are only a few simple steps you need to enforce:

decide on your desire, and get specific about what it is you want (in this case: deciding you want to wake up in the void/in your DR)

understand that you control your realities. you are not victim to some higher power, you ARE the higher power. the only thing that has any say over what kind of 3D reality you are experiencing is you and your decisions.

persist through your methods.

the third step is basically every time you experience something in the 3D that contradicts what you manifested (like waking up in your CR for example) you don't get scared and demotivated, but you remind yourself of your power (step 2) until your manifestation sets in. In your case that might mean keep on listening to your tapes until you shift, or affirming that you are a master shifter etc etc. because the point is, that since only you have any say in which reality you wake up in, you are PROMISED to wake up in the one you chose sooner or later. There is literally no way around it, which is why sulking after waking up in your CR is useless, you are going to shift ANYWAY.

many people let the element of time influence their perspective. They think that if their manifestation hasn't come up after a week of affirming for example, that their manifestation has failed, or that manifesting isn't real. That literally isn't true. Time is an illusion. The only thing you only ever have is this exact moment. The past is gone and the future doesn't exist yet. The idea of time frames isn't applicable to manifestations since they don't line up perfectly and wait their turn to materialize. don't cling to a certain amount of time and decide that after to weeks of "trying" you are doing something wrong. You can't do anything wrong as long as you are reminding yourself that you are the decision maker in your physical world. 3 Weeks of no change is irrelevant because you know what you decided to happen, so you know it's going to happen regardless of what it is that you are seeing.

I really hope I could help you my dear ❤️

[phynoma]

HALLOWEEN COUNTDOWN

As a countdown to Halloween, I'm sharing the original statements I wrote for the Consuming AU! (<<click for ao3 link) The statements function as horror shorts that work on their own, and I'm proud of them, ngl

Without further ado:

Statement 1: The Chocolate Pot

CW: Manipulation, supernatural compulsion, accidental dead-naming, drowning

[Tape clicks on. Head Archivist’s Office]

ARCHIVIST

Statement of Corey Garrett, regarding his discovery of a vintage, silver chocolate pot. Original statement taken August 9th, 2007. Audio recording by Jonathan Sims, Head Archivist of the Magnus Institute, London.

Statement begins.

It was an estate auction that did it.

My cousin, Niamh Flaherty and I, would get out of mum's house by taking our bikes up and down Elvendon Lane. There aren't a lot of turnoffs, and it's one of those narrow, country lanes that seems like it keeps its own secrets. We were lonely, in the way that two young adults in the countryside could be: on the edge of adulthood and the fears of being cast into the unknown, even as we longed for it with all our fledgling desire for flight.

It was the end of summer, and Niamh was visiting from Limerick, and we were terribly bored with country life. Just eighteen, the both of us, and playing at being proper adults. Independant, all that. Both of us had a thing for antiques–though I’ve lost a bit of my taste for it, now–and we were incorrigibly curious.

There's not much that goes on around Woodcote that the whole village doesn't know about, so when Niamh and I saw the lorry at the end of a short drive, nearly blocking the narrow road into town, we stopped. The drive itself was far too small for the mini tipper to navigate; just a blind opening to a gravel track so overgrown it could have just been a path into the woods that would end, like a fairy-path, with no house or sign of humanity in sight.

My parents had moved out to the village when I was at school, and I didn’t know whose house it was that had attracted the house clearance auctioneers like flies to a decaying corpse. All I knew was folks that needed seven tonne lorries were likely old and rich, and that sounded like a magic combination. A proper treasure hunt, you know?

Maybe it was a bit ghoulish, but the idea of a dusty, mouldering house of forgotten and unwanted treasures really got to us–Niamh and me. Like I said, Niamh and I were still pretty young, but I was always impressed with her. She seemed sort of worldly, always got men's attention. She wasn't that pretty, I don't think–well, I mean, I don't know. I'm her cousin, aren't I? But she had a way about her, something that drew people in. I could never figure out if I was jealous of her or if I wanted to be her.

Anyway, watching strangers pack up a lorry with some old, unlucky geezer's worldly treasures might not seem like a good time, but we made the most of it. We made guesses of what was in the boxes, what kind of person they'd been, why they didn't have any family to collect the goods. It was an “adult” kind of fun, nothing kids would be interested in, but now that Niamh and I were grown up we could watch the delivery men carting boxes and furniture down the dusty drive and feel like we were gossiping like real people, real adults did. We were so hungry for a world beyond us.

And there was plenty to gossip about. Crates of old knickknacks and rubbish– porcelain table sets shaped like too-quaint dolls, ratty old tapestries from the 70’s made to look mediaeval and missing the mark– that sort of thing. We sat on our bikes across the lane and kept our eyes peeled for the priceless artefacts we knew we’d spot among all the junk. With our keen, young minds we had a plan that if we did see anything, we’d be the first down at the auction houses and charity shops in Reading to snatch it up. Ghoulish, like I said. But at the time we felt very clever and sophisticated as we guessed at values and made crude but cutting remarks.

We could see a bit of the house from the road–disappointingly normal, all told. Renovated maybe in the mid-90s, one of those monstrosities that was probably a fine thing when it was built two centuries ago and which had been “upgraded” nearly out of existence. We were guessing at how terribly the inside had been refurbished when a woman wearing a cream suit left the front door. For a moment, I could have sworn she looked right at us, down by the road. And she smiled. I don't know how, but I could feel it, like an itch behind my teeth. Then she turned and disappeared behind the hedges and fruit trees that blocked most of the house.

I shook off the shudder that half-imagined smile had given me, and put her from my mind. In any case, Niamh hadn’t seemed to notice the woman. I’d have almost thought I’d made her up, except after a good ten or fifteen minutes she appeared again at the bottom of the lane. She must have walked all the way down, and her cream suit was coated in a fine layer of dust. She held a small crate in her hands.

I don’t know how, but I knew that crate was full of the treasures Niamh and I were waiting to see. I tried to be subtle watching her, but Niamh and I were the only ones on a long, lonely lane, so it was pretty obvious we were gawking. I expected an annoyed glance, maybe, or for the woman to shoo us off. Instead, she looked up. Our eyes met, and I got that weird feeling again, like she was…amused, somehow. It turnt my stomach right over.

I didn’t notice that Niamh had grabbed my arm until later, when I saw the bruises, because I was so focused on that woman. She walked over to us with that little half-smile, the crate still in her arms. She said her name was…I think it was Karen? Karen…something common, I think, but like an old man name. Withers, maybe.

Anyway, she came right up to the both of us and asked if we had known the owner of the house. I don’t remember what we said–if we lied and claimed we did, or what. The answer didn’t really seem to matter. She said the owner had been old and eccentric, and he hadn’t had anyone to leave his belongings to, so they’d been called in. Hope Charities, she said, and pointed at the lorry. There wasn't a name painted on it or anything, but the men doing the loading were wearing white coveralls with B&H on the back. Don't know what the "B" stood for.

She– Karen– showed us the crate. It was open. Inside was a jumble of knick-knacks, exactly the kind of thing you’d expect: a couple of old books with faded dust covers from the 50s or 60s, some miscellaneous silverware, a snowglobe that was nearly opaque from the dissolved snow, a single Skittles pin.

She said it was a box of the things they didn’t think would sell, and offered to let us take anything we’d like. She smiled when she said it, and the smile didn’t match her eyes. Even though it’d been what we were hoping for, I was suddenly uneasy. It didn’t feel like we could say no. I wanted, desperately, to say no. I think I hoped Niamh would do it for me.

Niamh took a book–at random, I think–and I picked up a tarnished chocolate pot. I had half a mind that I could give it to my mum as a birthday gift, with a bit of polish. Karen nodded like I’d made a good choice and gave me one more of those little half-smiles. It reminded me of a crocodile, somehow.

“Enjoy,” she said, and brought the crate back to the lorry to be packed away.

Niamh and I went home after that. There wasn’t much more for us to do, really. We laughed about it, about how we thought we’d been in trouble. Niamh said I must have charmed her with my wicked good looks–but Niamh was always the charmer, and she didn’t seem to realise I didn’t have her way with people.

She showed me her book. It looked like it’d been a library book at some point, and the dust cover was a bit torn. It had one of those generic, oil-painted landscapes as the cover art, of a circle of grey-green mountains with a blue-grey sky behind. It was called A Very Windy Day, and I didn’t know what possessed Niamh to choose that over everything else in the crate. When I asked her, she shrugged and said it reminded her of something.

In the end, I was rather proud of my chocolate pot, and I spent the rest of the afternoon trying to shine it up with some of my mum’s old Wright’s jewellery cleaner. Niamh settled down with her book–I don’t know if she was actually that interested in it, but after my teasing she made a point of reading it in front of me. She even read a bit out loud–something about big spaces and the ever-expanding entropy of the universe. It was way more dry than I expected, and it made me feel sort of funny and small, so I told her to read to herself.

The chocolate pot shined up nicely, though it took a good deal of time. By the time I looked around to ask Niamh something, she had left with her book–probably to get away from the smell of the cleaner. I was a little miffed that she hadn’t said anything to me; but then again, I had been rather focused.

I cleaned the inside of the pot, and noticed that it was in good shape but had some strange scratches on the inside, like someone had gone in with a wire scrubber at some point in the past. The scratches weren’t deep enough that I was concerned it would be unsafe to drink from, and I resolved to make some tea in it, just to try it out.

I steeped a few bags of breakfast tea directly in the pot itself–after all, if the thing was to be used for brewing chocolate, it shouldn’t have any sort of flavour itself, and there was no point in putting hot water from the kettle into the pot and then pouring it over bags from there. But when I poured the tea into my cup, it was almost black, and thick as mud. It had a strong, earthy aroma that wasn’t unpleasant– a bit like a very strong, very unsweetened cocoa.

This was rather off-putting, but I figured to myself that perhaps I hadn’t cleaned the inside of the pot as much as I’d thought, and the hot water had now cleared it out. The vaguely-chocolate-like scent could be from years of accumulated grime, for all I knew. I poured out the rest, washed out the remainder, and tried again.

The second steeping, the stuff was a little thinner, and the aroma thick but sweeter. Perhaps, I thought, the boiling water was doing its job to scrape out the inside of the pot. I poured it out again and resteeped it a third time. This time, the liquid was a warm, golden brown, like a well-sweetened and milky cocoa mixed with cinnamon or turmeric. It smelled mouthwatering.

I realised, belatedly, that I hadn’t added the teabags at all, and couldn’t help but wonder if that had been the reason for the odd black sludge the first time. Whatever the reason, the fact was now that this chocolate pot was a more exciting find than I could have ever hoped for in my attempted grown-up adventure-seeking. I allowed myself a bit of childish delight, that I had something truly special.

Of course, I wasn’t a fool– I wasn’t about to start serving this mysteriously appearing chocolate to my family without some more research. I did some internet research and found very little in the way of magical chocolate pots or cursed items. There was absolutely no record of regular chocolate pots creating chocolate from hot water, although there was plenty about cast iron and other sorts of well-seasoned kitchenware, and some tales of Chinese clay teapots being used for so long that one only had to pour in hot water to get tea.

This seemed unlikely for my silver pot, but I clung to the idea that there was at least some reasonable explanation. I would have even taken a reasonable supernatural explanation–anything that meant I wasn’t simply going mad. And, just in case I was somehow hallucinating the sight and smell of the chocolate, I figured a few other senses were necessary.

For some reason, it was very important to me that I was alone. The childish feeling was stronger; that I had something special, something precious, like a stuffed animal worn to an inch of its life. I wanted to test the chocolate pot in privacy, in a little tent of my own making, someplace dim and close and warm. I imagined sharing chocolate with Niamh like we had as children in a fort made of cushions and blankets, our small hands wrapped around second-best china, in a small, dark world of our own. Safe. Intimate.

I locked myself in the bathroom and climbed in the tub, pulling the curtain around me in as much of an approximation of a fort as I'd allow myself. I poured myself a new cup of chocolate and dipped my finger into the liquid. It was pleasantly warm, not boiling, and thick and silky smooth. I rubbed it between my fingers, marvelling at it, and then without thinking I licked it from my fingers.

It was delicious, just as rich and sweet and full as it smelled. Emboldened, I took a sip directly from the cup. Flavour exploded over my tongue, rich and complex and very clearly chocolate. I finished the cup within minutes and poured another. I was starting to rethink my idea to gift the chocolate pot to my mother, when I could just as easily share its contents with her but keep the pot to myself.

I refilled the pot only once with more water–which I got straight from the bath tap– and looking back, that should have been an alarming sign. At the time, I was simply amazed at how the flavours seemed to change with every cup, perfectly setting off the previous so that each was distinct. It was impossible to tire of, and it seemed to spread through my stomach and then my whole torso and limbs like a good scotch.

I was feeling pleasantly warm and buzzing when Niamh returned. Again, I didn’t hear her come in through the door, but she was suddenly there, in front of me, asking what I was doing. I hesitated, wondering if she would want a cup. Dare I share my magic? Of course, I decided, with a warm, happy surge of devotion. How wonderful, to share in the chocolate pot! How lovely, to be embraced together in such a remarkable creation! It occurred to me that everyone was deserving of such a gift. Perhaps I could sell it. Even better, I could give it away. I could open my home to any and all and share this incredible, magical drink that tasted like the very essence of comfort!

But first, I wanted to share it with Niamh. I wanted to capture a bit of that childhood we'd been so fierce in pushing away. I invited her into the tub with me, my sanctum, my fortress.

It was then that I noticed how distant Niamh's eyes were–as if she were in the room with me, but not. I felt as if she were looking at me from the other end of a very long tunnel, like a mineshaft. She stood in a square of light, while I crouched safe and warm and hidden in the dark. It pressed around me. It was deep, fathomless, but the pressure was comforting. It was the darkness of the womb, of a mother's arms who would never grow too frail, would never turn away. There was no need to fear growing old, there. It was a place where we could huddle in the dark and drink chocolate and always be children.

By this point, it felt as if the chocolate was in my very blood. Its thickness coated the inside of my oesophagus, my mouth. In a slurring, muffled voice, I offered my cousin a cup of the magical liquor. She refused, her eyes still empty.

I felt a surge of despair that she should be so far from me, when all I longed for was closeness. I took Niamh's hand, and when she tried to pull away with a cry of anger, I simply wrapped my arms around her instead.

For a moment, it felt as if I were holding a thousand stars in my embrace–or a million dandelion seeds, about to be blown away by a breath of wind. Niamh wiggled in my embrace and then, all of a sudden, slumped against me. As I hadn’t anticipated this, I could only lower her as slowly as I possibly could to the ground, where she lay curled and sobbing. Her face was a mask of fear and anguish. She draped over the tub, spilling the pot over. Dark liquid poured from it, thick and endless, clogging in the drain and slowly rising.

I righted the pot and handed her a cup of chocolate. This batch was dark as a moonless night and it smelled bitter and woody, but it was still obviously chocolate. When Niamh trembled so much that she would spill it, I helped tip it into her mouth.

At once she became still and quiet. Her eyes were wide and very dark, and she stared at me as if she had seen unknowable horrors.

I drank the rest of the cup, as she seemed uninclined to finish it, and felt the bitterness prick through me like deadly nightshade. My head swam. For a moment, I was drowning. My mouth was filled with thick nectar, and it ran down my front in muddy rivers. My eyesight blurred.

For some reason, my only thought was that I had something in my throat, and that the solution was clearly to wash it out with more chocolate. I poured another cup with shaking hands and slipping gaze, and when I spilled it I simply raised the chocolate pot and poured the sweet liquid directly into my mouth.

There was no end to the flowing chocolate, and for a moment I had a vision of the chocolate continuing to pour, and pour, until it flooded the room and down the street. I imagined the faces of the village as they saw the approaching wave, surprised and then delighted. I pictured them licking their hands like I had, or scooping up teacups full of the stuff to fill their own, hollow bodies. Like a children's story, a fairytale. All was innocent and sweet again, simple. I could save the world with my chocolate pot. All I had to do was keep pouring.

I could imagine how it would sit in us like ballast, thick and choking and so full that no one would ever have to feel loneliness again. To be embraced, inside and out, in thick, sweet nourishment. It was horrible. I had never imagined anything better, or worse. If I’d had any air left in my lungs, if the chocolate wasn’t already pouring from my mouth in an endless fountain, I would have screamed and not stopped. I sobbed, for the fear that I might never reach the beautiful image in my head, the promise of an endless, close embrace.

I felt arms around me, and then Niamh was trying to force the stuff from my stomach, my lungs. I coughed and choked and only managed to let more of the chocolate fill in the last bits of air I had. I was drowning in it. No, that's not right–it was swallowing me. I lay back in the tub that was slowly filling with chocolate and knew it would be my tomb.

I saw, rather than felt, Niamh’s hands pound against my chest. The tub could be our tomb, if only Niamh would join me. I tried to grasp her hand, to pull her into the warmth with me, but the chocolate coating my hands was too slick and she pulled away.

I wailed for her. My consciousness slipped. I was sinking into a deep, black pit of primordial warmth, and I knew I would never escape.

Except…well, I did, didn’t I? I’m still not completely sure how. I think Niamh did it, somehow.

I woke in my bed, with a horrible pressure headache, and Niamh at my side. I could have sworn, in the moments before I woke, that I heard her reading aloud to me–though I can’t recall the story, I do have a vague memory of her setting aside that little hardcover book she’d taken from the crate when I woke.

She explained that I had fallen asleep in the bath, of all places, and nearly drowned. I asked about the chocolate pot, and she seemed confused for a moment. I reminded her about the house, and the crate, and her eyes lit up. She brought to me a small, silver teapot and claimed that this was the thing I had chosen.

I was so tired that I hadn’t the energy to argue with her, and simply decided to ask about it more when I woke again. By the time I did, I could hardly recall what the original chocolate pot had looked like, and I couldn’t truly confirm whether or not the teapot she showed me was the one I had taken from the crate.

Niamh left at the end of that summer, and besides a few emails, we’ve mostly lost touch. It’s too bad, because we were very close once and I have a strange feeling that something that happened that summer contributed to her distance. She moved to Switzerland, I think, to be a ski instructor.

I gifted the silver teapot to my mum after all. She adores it, and it makes very good tea. But sometimes, whenever I’m drinking something, I get a thick, sweet taste on the back of my tongue like the finest of chocolate.

Statement ends.

ARCHIVIST (CONT.)

If I’d read this a year ago, I’d have dismissed it out of hand. It's exactly the kind of urban legend I'd expect would flood the shelves. But perhaps The Magnus Institute is a far less interesting or gratifying audience for such creators of tall tales than the usual, hungry internet forums.

(sigh) Nevertheless, there are a few details of note.

[Paper flips]

ARCHIVIST (CONT.)

(clears throat) Hm, excuse me, it seems that–Cora Garrett has not suffered any long term effects from her experience.

(to self) Note to self, re-record the intro of the statement using the correct name and pronouns.

(aloud) From the preliminary follow-up, it seems like Cora spent a few days in the hospital to get rid of what appeared to be a sudden case of pneumonia. No police report was ever filed, and we've had difficulty tracking down any relations to the original owners of 15 Elvendon Lane, assuming that number 15 was, indeed, the correct house. It was certainly the only house on auction around the correct time. It seems to have been renovated by the new owners, and there are no pictures online of the original house to try and match to Cora's description.

Karen Withers, or Smithers, or whatever her name might be-- the auction agent-- does not seem to exist–either in the Reading area or beyond. I am exceedingly curious to know who and what she is, or if she even exists. For all we know, she could be an invention of Cora and her cousin to explain away an adolescent break-in, or a hallucination like that of a (heavy sigh, dry) overflowing chocolate pot.

The most interesting piece of this statement, to me, is of course the reference to A Very Windy Day. The details are vague, but it could very well be a Leitner, and if that's the case I–

[Door opens]

ARCHIVIST (CONT.)

Ah. Martin.

[what-yadoking-likes]

Sooooo since we clearly established that you’re a wolf/hox shipper, I wanted to know if you got any other (payday) shippings going on and if we might see some in “The Cell” any time in the future?

Also what’s your personal take on Wolf and Jacket having a “father-son”-like-relationship?

BAHAHA 'since we clearly established that you're a wolf/hox shipper' LOL is that a read?? /jk

Okay SO OTHER PAIRINGS YOU SAYYYY... o h b o i

Well, when I first started out in this fandom I was a fan of Sokol/Dallas (MasterGrinder). I've always been a fan of age-difference relationships and, well, the fact that they're both extremely handsome men doesn't hurt. Another thing that drew me to this pairing was how the dynamic would work in practice - Dallas being the crew chief, the one who has to keep shit together, and Sokol being younger and probably hornier and being more likely to throw a spanner in the works of whatever carefully-laid plan Dallas had. Oh, and let's not forget @neomineom's insane fanart of the two - that really, uhh, got me into it. I also have an in-progress-on-hiatus fic where they have a first date together and Sokol gets jacked off in a jacuzzi.

Nowadays though, I'm way more likely to imagine Dallas with Bain (MasterGuide or NaviMind). I have a fair few ideas floating around for them already and some in-progress-on-hiatus Tumblr ficlets that are mostly PWPs that somehow became something bigger (kinda like The Cell L M A O ) - not to mention the odd fic on AO3 with them as the main pairing.

I think... again, they're both handsome dudes. And I see them as having a lot in common - Dallas finding it harder to feel connected with the crew as he takes on this role as crew chief - Bain deliberately putting distance between him and the gang as a whole to ensure their safety. But... doesn't this all sound very lonely? So I like to imagine they'd stave off that gnawing loneliness by being together - in secret, mind, so that when Bain gets kidnapped it gets extra juicy and ANGSTY (or I just AU it and Bain doesn't die or get reincarnated).

I’ve... dropped some hints about MasterGuide in The Cell, but it hasn’t been anything super obvious or really worth tagging. In a perfect world I would love to write more stuff with them as the main focus... but I just don’t know if I have time between work, adulting, other creative pursuits, AND finishing one of the two novels I began like two/three years ago in the hopes of getting published. So... never say never I guess?

Now I figure if I keep going on like this for every pairing we’ll be here all day, so I’ll try to give the TL;DR version of the next few (but feel free to Ask me about them another time if you want to know more!).

Sokol/Jacket (Socket) - all that aggression! All that violence! Not typically an enemies-to-lovers fan but here we are.

Wolf/Dallas (MasterTech) - nyaaw crime daddies!

Dallas/Hoxton (MasterFugitive) - angsty potential re: imprisonment, and also handsome menses :3

Jacket/Vlad (UkrainianChicken) - a meme pairing I conceived of when trying to think of who would make the most chaotic pairing in the Payday universe.

Vlad/Locke (GolfGoat) - started as a meme pairing now kinda like it ngl LOL, even the contractors need love! Plus they contrast with one another really well and would be very fun.

I’ve probably missed some out here but oh well. ON TO YOUR 2ND QUESTION.

Wolf and Jacket as having a father/son relationship... well that makes the fics about them a bit raunchier ngl!

I think for me I find it hard to see Jacket as having a role of a leader in any way, shape or form. I feel that a father is a kind of leader or role model and I’m not sure if that’s Jacket’s vibe, I guess. I will say though that my perception of fathers is grim at best due to my own experiences, so there may be something I’m missing here. I’d be open to hearing other people’s thoughts about it, for sure.

I do, however, see the two as sharing a bond because they’re both perceived of as being the most unstable/unhinged in the Payday gang. A kind of ‘nobody understands us and that’s awesome’ vibe.

[werewolf-w1tch]

i’ve been sitting on this shit for like two weeks since starting rottmnt and watching the movie before realizing there was a whole other season i accidentally skipped so it’s time to combine the hyperfixations

this is probably gonna have to be at least a couple more posts cause i a.) haven’t finished rottmnt (so hush hush please and thank) and b.) i haven’t reached a solid conclusion for all the characters. these are just my opinions and i’m just another loser on the internet but you’re getting my opinion anyway

on that note...

what TMA entity i think each member of the rottmnt cast would serve/vibe with!

(spoilers for ROTTMNT and TMA obv)

just for those unaware, there are 15 TMA fear entities. they are the embodiment of the fears of humanity and were created as humanity learned to fear shit, as one does. they aren’t really physical things, more ideas that influence the “real” world.

starting off with a banger

ms. o’neil!

ngl, april was one i really wanted to hit hard but wasn’t sure where to start. while i do love her as a character, she isn’t quite my favorite, so initially i didn’t give her much thought. entities like the dark, corruption, flesh, buried, vast, end, desolation, extinction, web, lonely, spiral, and stranger were out the door pretty much immediately; none of them really fit her character (corruption maybe just a tiny bit cause of her interactions with mutants but like. that’s pretty much it). 

personally, i was leaning towards an eye-marked/avatar april with a hint of slaughter and a dash of the hunt. april is someone who very obviously LOVES learning given how often her schooling/assignments come up in the show and how often she geeks out over science stuff with donnie. the hunt mostly comes from her determination to get to the bottom of things regardless of the outcome. i threw the slaughter in there too bc i feel like april really wants to get into a fight with someone(s) at all times. 

raph!

(tiny boy. tiny. sobs loudly over him)

raph is one i didn’t want to go the obvious route for, but he kinda speaks for himself imo. he is very family-driven and cares deeply about his brothers; he serves as the leader (until leo takes his place anyway) and the powerhouse of the team and is very set on using his size and strength to protect his family. 

raph is a corruption avatar with a pretty sizable helping of slaughter (most of if not all of the mutants are gonna be corruption avatars or corruption aligned but it probably won’t be the only thing for all of them). savage raph was honestly a big influence on the slaughter, but i also headcanon that baby raph had issues with his temper and had to learn to reign himself in cause he was built bigger and tougher than his brothers. he doesn’t let himself rage out often, but it’s fucking terrifying when he does. 

mikey!

(holds gently)

gotta love mikey!! he is so web aligned. i wasn’t sure about him for a while but then it hit me like a freight train. web. web 1000%. MAYBE a lil spiral if you wanna get a bit spicy. oh and he’s eye-touched.

in all seriousness, i fucking adore mikey (he’s not my fave either but still). his creativity and positive energy bring a whole kind of lively to the team and his family. he’s fun and upbeat and holy shit who was gonna tell me he’s 13 in the show. on top of all that, mikey is defo smarter than he seems, which fuels my web opinion. he has DEFINITELY used his youngest sibling status and his adorable face to manipulate anyone and everyone he has ever met to get what he wants. maybe not intentionally, but he’s done it. the spiral is honestly the closest thing i could think of that could relate to his ties to his mystic power. his eye ties come from the fact that he probably hears everything and everyone cause they assume he either doesn’t understand or he doesn’t really care. he does. he can and will use anything you say in a court of law. be scared. 

splints!

splinter was an interesting one to think about. i wanted to take his history into account while also keeping in mind the kind of person he is in the show and how he interacts with the people around him. 

splinter is also a very family-oriented man after he picks up the tots, but i feel like he goes through major personality changes after his time in the battle nexus and his transformation. we can see hints of lou jitsu in splints every now and then, but it is painfully obvious that lou jitsu is gone and he’s not coming back. with that being said, i wanted to split splinter into two different avatars: lou jitsu and splinter (mostly cause i’m interested in exploring both of them). 

lou jitsu is a slaughter avatar that is eye marked with sprinkled in lonely (cause what actor as popular as he was has many real connections. esp when he’s trapped with big mama). i feel like despite being blinded by stardom, lou jitsu was still a very smart tactician who could handle himself very well in a fight (hc that leo gets his quick battle analyses from splints/lou). 

splinter is a lonely avatar with a healthy helping of corruption. splinter is less lonely in that he doesn’t have people around him and more that the toll that having his life falling apart in the span of like 10 minutes and being harshly cut off from everyone and everything he’s ever known is SO apparent. that kind of extreme isolation leaves its scars. i think that despite having his family around him, splinter still misses the people he used to know, even if he wasn’t as close with them as he thought. he misses the normalcy sometimes, even if he would never go back and lose his sons. 

fuck it im splitting this into multiple posts. expect more bullshit in the future!

[pinkandgoldensoul]

(Some) F1 drivers as guys I’ve met in high school

: ̗̀➛ Charles Leclerc - the fattest crush of my life. literally would turn red like a traffic light anytime I saw him enter the classroom and choke on my own saliva whenever he said hi to me. Not helpful, since he’s been my historical deskmate. I honestly don’t know how I survived sitting next to such a positive, fun, confident, trustworthy and shamelessly handsome guy. Brown hair, big green eyes either sparkling with childhood mischief or pure innocence, and the most athletic guy I’ve ever seen in real life (he’s a sportsman). Definitely had any girl lying at his feet - and he was extremely aware of it - but only cared about his girlfriend and never bragged about his charm. Humble af despite his family being quite wealthy and him being such a nice person. I’ve involuntarily been his point of reference for anything school-related and he’d blindly trust me, which always made my heart melt. He’s the type of guy you need to send a “let me just screenshot this so that I discuss it with my bff-lawyer before replying” text when you see a notification from him. And he’s also the one you look from afar, contemplating his senseless perfection. “I’m so lucky to live in the same historical and geological era” “I don’t know if I’m worthy of him” kind of vibe.

: ̗̀➛ Carlos Sainz - a unique type of nerd. At the beginning he deliberately ignored me. Then he started slowly talking to me about things he really enjoyed and, seeing I was okay with it, he began showing me books he liked, getting all excited in passionate perorations, lending them to me and demanding I’d give him my piece of mind. Also bought and gifted me for Christmas  the copy of a novel he was reading ‘cause he thought I’d be interested (the weirdest and most awkward gift-receiving experience of my whole life. I’m not doing it again). Really liked to push all my buttons to see my reaction (but I ultimately gave him a lifetime lesson) and had a few banters. Don’t think we were really that compatible, he was too opinionated for me, but most of the times I enjoyed having conversations with him. Friendly jokes and benevolent banters with Charles; he’s been class representative for five years, once together with Max.

: ̗̀➛ Max Verstappen - the lonely, misunderstood genius. Didn’t give a crap about school and spent his free time riding motorbikes and getting hands dirty with engine oil. Everybody knew he was original (he had a lot of other hobbies and interests) and all my teachers always felt challenged by his way of thinking. Not afraid to speak up, at all. We’d never talked in five years, but during the dinner we had with all the professors before our finals, completely drunk, he sat next to me and started asking me things about my life. He seemed genuinely interested in what I had to say, but I think he struggled following the conversation since I had to repeat myself at times (he didn’t even hear a tipsy friend of his calling his name twice. “UH?! What?!”). It’s one of the deepest conversations I’ve had in my life. I think in another life we would’ve been good friends, at least. Elected class representative and we still don’t know how but ngl, it didn’t feel that wrong because we’ve always known he’s got that… plus.

: ̗̀➛ Lewis Hamilton - the dreamer. Not very focused on studying, but chased his dream of becoming a dancer like crazy. He was insanely good - like, national level - and skipped a lot of school days to attend competitions. Pretty energetic, confident, mr brightside; always blasting music through his wireless speaker whenever we got out and vibing. If he knew you had a dream, a passion or a special hobby, he’d push you and encourage you as much as possible. Incredible motivator and coach. S t y l i s h     a s     h e c k . Could rock anything but chose to beat us all every single day. Really good friend of Charles. Actually chatted with everybody, but wasn’t really that close with a lot of people.

: ̗̀➛ Alex Albon - the surprising kid. A mediocre student throughout the years, but actually a math and physics enthusiast and genius. He started to show signs of his abilities only in the last year and a half. The only one actually knowing what he was doing with formulas lmaooo Surely wasted in the type of high school I was in* and he acknowledged making the wrong decision, but he didn’t know back at the time he liked physics that much. One of the most chilled out and laid back people I’ve met, really pleasant to talk to. Would often find ourselves in bad situations and look at each other as to say: “It’s a mess, but nothing I hadn’t expected to happen anyway”. The defeated-but-we-already-knew-when-we-started resigned duo. * we mainly studied humanities. We also had physics and chemistry classes, but there are other types of high school more “science” oriented, which would’ve been way more suitable for his skills. #badchoices

: ̗̀➛ Valtteri Bottas - i haven’t figured him out. Like, he was pretty basic and easy to talk to, but had so many hidden interests. Currently studying aerospace engineering. Part-time cosplayer. His instagram posts have descriptions we’re still trying to decipher. Sometimes perceived as a low-key genius, others acting like a fool. I honestly don’t know what to think of him, he just confused me a lot lol.

: ̗̀➛ Bonus: Mick Schumacher - first love. From another class, but the same high school. A bit reserved at first, but the ultimate sweetheart. Thoughtful, polite, calm, soft-spoken, kind, just- you get it. Awkward hugs, talking on a bench for three hours as a first “date” and arguing about who’s going to pay for breakfast (‘cause I couldn’t accept him being the one to pay, like, we were just friends). That was the first time I felt the need to shower someone with love without caring about being reciprocated, at all. I’ve been in the friendzone - voluntarily - for 3 years only to get to know from a shared friend that he had got together with a girl four months prior but didn’t want/ didn’t know how to tell me. To this day he doesn’t know a thing. Not in love with him anymore, but unknowingly gave me the best thing I’ve ever felt. 

[penrose-quinn]

Hi Pen 💖💖! How are you doing? I hope you're well as always, and I wanted to thank you for the recent update of Green Light! I'm still fumbling to find the words to tell you how much I loved it...

But the thing is, I just read chapter 11, and I sincerely hope you know that you are to me the most graceful, thoughtful and brilliant writer I’ve ever had the pleasure to read on Ao3. I do mean it sincerely. Your stories are the best kind of heartbreak; bittersweet and hopeful, heartfelt and witty. The chronicles of life when you’re in your twenties and nothing makes sense, you’re just lost, lonely without the words to say it, but some things are just too important to give up on so you keep trying and look, sometimes it works. There is so much love, you could drown in it.

I'll say it again; you made me feel things with this chapter, as I had absolutely no doubt you would. So please expect a long, ranting comment on Ao3, and thank you again for sharing. For what it's worth, your words mean the world to me ❤.

I hope you have a wonderful day and get lots of rest, you did such an amazing job with this chapter!! I'm sending you lots and lots and lots of love, please take care of yourself <333.

And god do I have things to say about the ending.

Hi Obsidian (◍˃̶ᗜ˂̶◍)ﾉ”

I get by! My schedule still sucks atm, but once I'm done with my new series at work, I'll have more free time next week (T▽T). I hope you're doing so much better than I am tho!! Ngl your lovely message pulled me through a tough week and I'm grateful you've no idea! I haven't had the time to properly edit the new chapter so I was freaking out if it was any good. Although I might get to edit it in the weekend, your words were really reassuring! It's an honor that it's from you! This isn't an exaggeration or flattery coming from me but it's just that you're an awesome writer and a more awesome friend so it means the world (*ᴗ͈ˬᴗ͈).

I'm so glad you loved it!! I poured my whole soul into this one! That isn't to say that I don't do it for the rest of the fic, but this chapter was just really hard lol. RL and dealing with multiple complex characters aside, I kinda projected more on Shin than I'd like to in his backstory. And I'm just sort of in love writing GL in a way that I haven't been in love with any of my other fics for awhile. Idk if it's bc it's tremendously fun writing TR characters or the story but it makes me happy. I don't have expectations for it being my best work, it didn't even start out serious when I first posted it, but it just makes me happy and feel all sorts of things but I think that's what matters so reading your words and how it's evoked these emotions from you makes me feel fulfilled as a writer. But for the most part, I'm so, so glad I could scream and share my love for this fic with someone else haha. Whether if it's a simple keyboard smash or a thesis-level review from you, I'll always love reading your thoughts. Thank you for sharing them with me! (〃´𓎟`〃)~♡♡♡

Thank you for this again! I hope you have a pleasant and stress-free week ahead. Always take care, Obsidian!! Imma bombard you all the good vibes and love back (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ₊‧.♡°.⋆˚₊♡‧⋆.♡ִ ࣪𖤐

(That ending...went through so many rewrites lol, but I personally think this was the right one. I really look forward to what you have to say about it!)

[userastarion]

this is the stupidest fucking feeling but

the most i have ever felt for someone in my life was this guy i think i was actually maybe in love with in college right

and we were good friends but i was always too afraid to say anything bc i didn’t want to jeopardize that & we were in an a cappella group together & i didn’t want seeing him for rehearsal to be weird

then eventually i graduated, got over it, and moved on. sort of almost had feelings brought back like a year later but moved past it.

except i think part of me sort of… always hoped somehow i could bring it up and see what the reaction would be like, if maybe we had a chance. he’s grown up a lot (&he’s hot now ngl).

and today i learned he has a girlfriend, and they’ve been together for 6 months, and it made me feel so incredibly lonely

obviously nothing was ever going to come from any of it — i had to SAY SOMETHING for anything to happen, and i’ve been too afraid to really talk to him bc we just don’t communicate often anymore — but something about it… that finality. idk. i guess it was my backup plan hopeful something i was holding so tightly too bc i never saw that he was with someone so i thought maybe me.

but that loneliness, man. i kind of want to cry actually lol. and i don’t even know why it made me feel so deeply but. wow.