#next session i got diagnosed with ADHD and she wants me to take an autism spectrum test

[sageofthestarz]

My therapist: "So any special interests that call out to you? Shows, movies, bands?"

Me staring down my Ghost collection of things: "Yeah so there's this one band-"

[hismercytomyjustice]

Omfg it took me 84 years to do it, but I’m finally caught up with work stuff again! \o/

Does this mean my work induced burnout is over? GOD I HOPE SO.

Shit has been hanging over me like the sword of Damocles for weeks now.

Doesn’t help many of my internal and external customers are needy af (*narrows eyes at one external customer in particular*), but hopefully now that we’re moving into June this means our whole team can actually breathe again.

I love the holiday season as much as the next person, but I do not love all the work at the end of the year getting shoved to the beginning of the new one. It makes February thru May/June a NIGHTMARE.

Nightmare as in most of my coworkers are having public mental breakdowns instead of our usual private ones! Yay!

Fffff maybe I’ll actually have the bandwidth and brainpower to start taking Korean classes again. I haven’t been able to since the end of last year. T_T I miss them and I know for a fact I’m getting rusty.

Of course I gotta see if I can balance Korean and piano lessons without my brain going into a nuclear meltdown…

I always want my personal bandwidth to be at 200% but in reality it’s probably 65% at best. Is it the ADHD? Is it the OCD? Or is it a secret third option?! Maybe now I’m not in mental survival mode, I can explore all that with my therapist in our upcoming sessions instead of spending them all trying to figure out how to actually function due to extreme work burnout! Yay!

Ngl I’m also kind of hoping if my doctor can figure out wtf is going on with my liver, it might magically give me more energy and solve a lot of other issues. Got the ultrasound yesterday for it and am waiting for the results now. I’m very curious to learn what’s going on, especially since this kind of thing can have to do with connective tissue disorders.

My mom was told when she got her bloodwork done for her RA that it looked like she might have a connective tissue disorder too, though I don’t think that was ever further explored. I’m hypermobile and have wondered about EDS, but have never gotten officially tested for it. Thankfully my hypermobility isn’t excruciating or anything. I just tend to hyperextension that I don’t notice until I move and realize I fucked up lol.

Of course it could also just be regular ol’ inflammation that can be fixed with diet changes and exercise. Just gotta wait and see.

It’s possible the liver thing could be contributing to my never-ending fatigue. It’s also possible my super fun OCD spirals add to it too. lol my old therapist told me my spirals were “exhausting to hear about.” She didn’t mean it in a bad way! Just that she could only imagine how they were to actually experience as a result.

It’s wild seeing an OCD specialist now. My old therapist was fantastic but she didn’t specialize in OCD. New therapist (new-ish) is just able to map this shit out for me and it’s wonderful. OCD often masquerades as intense anxiety and some anxiety management tips and tricks do help it, but damn if seeing a specialist isn’t like night and day. My old therapist taught me some defusion techniques, but now I’m doing a mix of exposure therapy but mostly Inference-Based CBT which are both tailored specifically to OCD and it’s been so helpful. My brain is definitely broken but it feels a hell of a lot less broken now and a lot less scary.

My therapist also let me know there’s specific therapy that addresses OCD and autism together, so that’s something we’re gonna explore too. I don’t have an official diagnosis for autism but my therapist is pretty confident about it. She doesn’t specialize in it but she’s been helping me navigate the possibility. ADHD, OCD, and autism have massive overlap which makes it really fucking hard to separate the three. OCD and autism are really frequently misdiagnosed for one another too because of it. I def have the ADHD and OCD tho, diagnoses courtesy of specialists in both fields.

God I have been so fucking blessed to have amazing doctors and therapists who actually listen to me and take my concerns seriously. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had ABSOLUTE DOGSHIT ones too, but those were years ago when I wasn’t as good at advocating for myself. I know there’s a healthy dose of privilege thrown in there too on my end, but god I feel so fucking lucky.

Maybe it’s too much caffeine or finally being caught up on work but I don’t feel completely fucking exhausted for the first time in like a month or two. I’m not gonna go start running laps or anything, but it’s so nice to feel like my brain isn’t mashed potatoes at the end of the day for once. Yaaaay!

[ichayalovesyou]

Hey so from your blog I understand you are neurodivergent? Correct me if I'm wrong. If you are, sometimes I wonder if I have Asperger's Syndrome. When I look back on my childhood there are some questionable aspects that I got over, I think, but with a lot of effort. For example I used to watch the same movie over and over again till I had big chunks of it memorized and I played it in my head when I went to sleep? And I was obsessed with puzzles, I did and redid them many times. And lots of repetitive things. Also I don't know if I was just being sensitive or something, but I always cried at the tiniest disapproval of adults.

I'm sorry if this comes off as stereotypical, but those are things my peers found weird and not actually "normal" and it was pretty hard for me to get over them.

Lol I don't even know where this is going, I guess I'd like to see some insights from a neurodivergent person, because I've never had the chance to interact with one. How did you figure out you were neurodivergent? Can a person on the autism spectrum learn to communicate effectively with other people on their own? (because I think I can do that, but it's not always a pleasure haha).

Feel free not to respond to this, I don't want to bother, but you seem..... Approachable😂. I'm not one of those people who self-diagnose through an internet quiz and try to make themselves appear special....You know the ones. I'm genuinely curious haha. I'm probably fine, it would still be interesting to see your response. Thanks.

I’m going to be perfectly real with you

I do not have an official diagnosis for anything aside from “generalized anxiety” but I only got the chance (until very recently) to get therapy for a year.

But I do feel like there’s a difference between wanting to feel “special” and going into self-diagnosis territory half-cocked. And looking at your life, tallying up the evidence, making an educated guess, and then making an effort on finding out whether or not you’re guess is correct from a professional.

For instance, in my case (I’m about to get into “tragic” backstory stuff just to give a clear picture):

I come from an emotionally abusive situation in which, even when I had teachers, pediatricians or other moms suggest I (at the very least) had ADHD my mother got offended, denied it and insisted I was fine. In fact, the only way in which she has treated my as any sort of neurodivergent is the “generalized anxiety” diagnosis I got from the six months of therapy I got 7 years ago. Even then she uses it as a tool to invalidate my feelings. She never considered it may be a symptom rather than a source until my baby brother got diagnosed with autism.

My family has a loooooong history of autism/adhd and other mental illnesses, all of my siblings and cousins above the age of 3 have one or both, I also wouldn’t be surprised if my father has autism and my mother has ADHD even if they went undiagnosed from the same stigma that kept my mother from getting me help (and only getting my younger sibling help when essentially forced by the school system.)

It was only really when my brother exhibited behaviors and got an autism diagnosis (and my mother and I started reading up on the topic) that I realized just how many of my behaviors were associated with textbook autism. I looked at my baby brother and I saw myself, the biggest difference between us is that I was hyper verbal (talking a bit before 18 months) and he was totally nonverbal until he was almost three (both of which, are symptoms of autism) that I really considered the possibility. Even my mother suggested I may be right, better late then never I guess.

I exhibit many of the exact behaviors you describe that are associated with both adhd and autism, I lined up toys, I drew the same picture on one sheet over and over. I take comfort in compulsively watching movies and shows over and over, I (for lack of a better words) stim sing and use movie quotes and references as eccholalia as stress relievers (especially in new social situations). I cried at the drop of a hat, when I was angry I’d repeatedly hurt myself by banging my head and arms against the myself or walls. I also do the “happy flappy arms” when I’m excited or nervous, I have a special interest in writing and making music (I have a hard time thinking about pretty much anything else). I had lots of trouble socially until about high school and none of my friends are neurotypical (or straight lol). So, I think it’s safe to say that I am either on the spectrum, have ADHD (which exhibits a lot of similar symptoms).

When I found this out, I started treating myself like I had these things instead of beating myself up for being “weird” and my mental health improved significantly. Mind you, it’s still not great because I am not (yet) in therapy and live in an overcrowded, emotionally abusive household, but I am making concerted efforts to remedy both. I’ve got my first therapy session in almost a decade arranged for next week and plan on moving in with another, less crowded, less abusive parent.

The best thing I can suggest is, read up on what you think you may have, look at the symptoms, compare them to you’re own, write it down, write how you feel about it. But more importantly read other people’s experiences with autism and ADHD, while medical professionals can help you get access to diagnosis and (if you need it) medication, sometimes the personal aspects get lost in the machine. At the same time of course be careful who you listen to, there are a lot of organizations and people out there who want to “help” by trying to force us to act “normal”, acting neurotypical does NOT equal living to enjoying your life to its fullest potential. On the flipside there of course people out there with and without diagnosis that will promote unhealthy thinking patterns and coping mechanisms, you’ve got to think critically and decide what is best for you.

Not all of us can get therapy, not all of us will get diagnosed even if we do, especially if you’re AFAB and have autism, or if you’re “well behaved” (ie pass as neurotypical) we slip through the cracks all the time. Try to get therapy anyway, a diagnosis can be really helpful (but in the case of autism it can also be detrimental because of the sheer amount of ableism around it, again, read other people’s experiences).

It’s okay to act on the idea that something is wrong, you know when something isn’t right with you, not even your parents can define that for you (I learned that the hard way). As long as you don’t wallow in it, operating under the assumption you have autism and/or adhd, using the tried and true coping mechanisms, being gentle with yourself, can be very, very helpful.

Hope this helped <3 💚🖖🏻💚

[of-faunsandyellowflowers]

yall 🥴

I finally scheduled an appt with my regular doctor for next friday to talk about getting on medication for my adhd.....and I'm so god damn nervous.

All the what ifs are playing in my head. Part of the appt is me filling her in on my diagnoses from a few months ago, but I'm freaking out shes not going to believe me and request a bunch of records that are currently a crazed mess at the moment. Like, my therapist diagnosed me WITH adhd (and I got my autism diagnosis elsewhere) but, right after said session had left her job and never put down ADHD on her papers cuz she 'never got around to it'. (Literally have the worst luck with therapists but god this time around it's even worse)

So I'm sitting here, with my imposter brain going 'maybe you arent' and all these other traits that are so CLEARLY adhd but my brain just wants to go 'meh no you're not! It's just anxiety! *stares off into space while simultaneously forgetting your dinner in the microwave until the morning*

Also like, I do have really bad anxiety but I also cannot take stimulants, so I'm worried about being medicated. Its initially why I was like 'no I dont need meds'....when I clearly do. Finally convinced myself that yes...I really really do. I'm just terrified there wont be a med I can take that helps my adhd but also doesnt spike my anxiety more than it already is, on top of my primary not believing me 🥴🥴🥴 Ugh. I hate my brain

[washipuppy]

Where is my mind (this time)?

Personal stuff? On MY Tumblr? Yep, it's happening. I need to ramble, and where the feck else am I gonna do it but Tumblr?

I was supposed to go in for an Autism assessment today with my therapist. It's been constantly on my mind it all week, to the extent that I think I might actually ne worried about it, and I have no feckin idea why. It's not a test.

Anyway, it was cancelled and re-scheduled for next week. I took the day off work for it too, since it was gonna be a couple of hours, but I went back to work because I'll need to take next Thursday instead. So I guess I'm having another week with this oversized, unresolved question-mark dangling from my neck.

Background will (hopefully) be under the cut so that most of you aren't bothered by all this:

Background 1 - My therapist is kind of flakey. 

Like many people, I have a therapist that I picked entirely because I'd been without one for several years (since my last therapist retired) and I needed to do something about the tail-spin death-spiral my brain was in. I don't get to see them too often, because I work 8:30 - 5:00, 5 days a week and they tend to cancel my appointments on me thr day they happen, but I'm too tired and worn down by existence to get another one, so it is what it is.

Background 2 - I'm not trying to be weird, please stop calling me that. 

Lotta people seem to think I'm Autistic. Including said therapist, who I noticed was asking me the "Could this person be Autistic?" questions during our last session. Shortly after which I realised I recognised the "Could this person be Autistic" questions without the word ever being used. I've considered the possibility, but although I have a some traits that are associated with ASD (non-verbal episodes, repetative hand / body movements when anxious, low social situational/emotional awareness, eye contact avoidance...), I have a pretty intense imagination and I can be spontanious. If I decide I want to go shopping after work, I'll do so. If someone wants to spend time with me and I don't really have a reason not to go (e.g. a prior commitment or not wanting to spend a lot of money on something I won't actually enjoy), I'm gonna go even if it's last minute. Because they asked me specifically (General invitations offered to "the group" don't elicit this, and I'm way more likely to bail on those) and I want to keep being asked to go to things; If I say no too often, people will just stop inviting me to things. So if I'm asked to go see a band or an expo or whatever and the cost isn't too bad, I'll go. Besides, what good will it actually do me if I get confirmation that I am Autistic? It's a bit late for it to make a difference to my development, the damage has already by and large been done. I didn't see how it would actually help my life now to be diagnosed.

Background 3 - The culmination of a cascade of f**kups.

For a while, I've suspected I might have ADD/ADHD (just gonna use ADHD from now for this). It started on Tumblr, oddly enough - I follow several people here who also have ADHD and post bits and bobs about it, all of which make me go "Yes, that is a thing that is me." But I tried not to think too much about the growing idea that I might have ADHD myself despite almost everything I ever saw or read about girls having ADHD described me perfectly - From the childhood maladaptive daydreaming through to the mental breakdown in university and inconsistent job performance - because I think of myself as something of a hypochondriac* and It's trite to say "Oh, I've got ADD, I'm so easily distracted!" when the world at large is horrible and distracting. 

That is, until last year. See, I left a job I didn't like in 2018 and got one I quite liked in 2019. Thing is, even though I like this job, I'm still fucking up with an alarming frequency and I can't seem to stop. I don't know why it happens or how to make it stop, and I don't know how to make myself think or be more careful or even understand how I'm doing something wrong enough to stop. It's so incredibly frustrating and distressing to know you're going to fuck up, and to try to spend your time mitigating the inevitable**. The thing that made me think I should probably actually get myself checked out, however, was my partner. I've been forgetting a lot of things lately, getting confused, been struggling to keep things right in my head - after driving across the city for an event that had in face been re-scheduled next week, my partner sent me a comic strip from the ADHD Alien that basically outlined my exact mental stateand life. It was his own gentle way of saying "I don't exactly understand what's going on with you, but I think this might be what its called". More importantly though, it's something that, if I really do have it and can be diagnosed with it, we can actually do something about it and getting it managed would actually help my life.

And now, the thrilling culmination...

So. I figure "Feck it, 2020 is the year of getting my brain sorted out or something," and I talk to my GP about how to go about getting assessed for ADHD. My response is more or less a shrug with a side of "Speak to a mental health professional about that." So I speak to my therapist. I know ADHD often comes with ASD, so I figure okay, maybe we'll kill two birds with one stone and see about getting them both assessed.

Turns out she was going to suggest doing an assessment for ASD as well. I initially thought ADHD was in that too, but nope - misunderstanding on my part again. So I need to get off my goddamned backside and track down a way to get tested for the thing that can actually be managed and mitigated, while my stupid head spins its wheels over the thing that probably won't do anything but confirm how different/ not different my brain actually is.

Whatever it is, I worry it's getting worse.

*On a related note, my partner's atitude to his health is so different to my own. I always think I need to prove that something is wrong to my GP before anything can even be looked at. For example, I'm tired a lot, to the point I slip into micro-sleeps / blackouts at work. We thought perhaps I wasn't sleeping well due to the hole in my face being a disaster zone, which I talked to my GP about. A blood-test later revealed that my iron intake was within normal levels, but it was low within normal levels (i.e. I'm not anemic, I've just got a low iron count). So I worked on upping it with more red meat and iron suplaments. No improvement, either in my being tired levels or my iron intake levels (And my sinuses are as clear as they ever get, which is still not good). So stronger Iron checks and a test for celiac disease that I still need to get the results for, despite the fact that I'm about 98% sure they won't show anything. Basically, I'm working to prove that whatever's wrong with my sleep, a sleep study will probably be needed to assess.

My partner pointed out that I could just... go do that. On my own. I don't need my doctor's permission to check to see if I have apnea or some kind of sleeping condition. I don't need to prove I have something that warrents a sleep test, I can just go get a sleep test.

**There's also the distractions that aren't helping. I'll always find something - I made so many paper roses until that was finally burned out of my system, I went through a pad of post-it notes in a few months trying to take down distractions and put them asside before re-focusing on the task before a minor hiccup interrupted that technique, I've opened new windows on my browser and immediately closed them because I'm trying NOT to get distracted, but even if I don't put an obvious distraction in front of myself, I'll stare blankly into space and daydream instead of focusing.

[moggieblanket-blog]

My Autism Evaluation

I wanted to write this for a number of reasons.  First, I wanted to provide an explanation of the process I went through in order to help those who are currently seeking a diagnosis, to give them a better idea of what they might reasonably expect to experience.  Secondly, I see many posts on this site which dismiss official diagnoses with statements like, “All they do is give you a list of traits to fill out!” or, “Doctors sometimes don’t have enough experience in X disorder to know what they’re talking about!”  

I cannot speak for other diagnoses, but I can tell you now that as far as autism is concerned (and also ADHD; I will add a post about my diagnostic experience with that condition once I receive my assessment results), the number of tests which rely on quantitative data (e.g hard numbers that leave no room for interpretation), external family input, and the observations of both a primary and secondary diagnostician, both in the room at the same time, and who later compare notes, mean that a single doctor’s interpretation or idea of what autism does or doesn’t look like is largely irrelevant to the diagnosis.  

For the way in which I was assessed, if you met the numeric cutoff for the various tests, you got the diagnosis, if you didn’t, you didn’t.  There was really no room for doctor bias or opinion.  I was 21 years old at the time of testing.

My diagnostic evaluation took place in increments over a period of five days that spanned a three-month period between February and April.  The eval was administered by a graduate student who was being filmed and mentored by a doctor in psychology.  The student met with the psychologist after each of my sessions, and the footage and test results were reviewed and discussed.

My initial appointment was two hours long.  It consisted of a detailed intake evaluation which included questions about my current and childhood histories; my family and relationships; the symptoms I experienced both past and present; questions about physical illnesses, any substance abuse, trauma, and all other meaningful life events (family deaths, divorce, etc.).  I was given basic one-page screenings for symptoms of depression and anxiety (neither of which I had in sufficient quantities at that time to warrant diagnosis; those would come later).  I was also given two different multi-page forms for my parents to fill out (my mother completed mine.)  They asked detailed open-ended questions about my early childhood and development, any anomolies or missed milestones, my medical history, etc.  They also included at least 50 likert-scale questions (questions whose responses are chosen from a multi-point scale; e.g 1-5 with 1 being mildest and 5 being most severe) about traits I exhibited throughout my childhood which would be specific indicators of ASD.  My mother filled these out independently with zero input from me.

My second appointment occurred two weeks later.  I submitted all of the paperwork I and my parents had been given to complete, and was given an IQ test, specifically the WAIS-IV (Welscher Adult Intelligence Scale edition 4).  This test took two hours to complete, and consisted of spatial reasoning and pattern-recognition tasks (creating patterns from blocks, visually constructing complex illustrated shapes by selecting a specific quantity of smaller illustrated components, the trail test, etc.).  Following that were tests of short-term memory and memorization; auditory processing; abstract language abilities (e.g similarities between given words, word definitions, etc.); mental arithmetic and number manipulation; and general knowledge assessment (e.g who was X famous dead person?  What does this formula mean? etc.)

The second appointment also included a self-test to pinpoint features of psychotic or personality disorders such as Schizophrenia, Antisocial personality disorder, Bipolar disorder, etc.  This was not a basic test in which answers could be fabricated to achieve a specific result.  It had a built-in failsafe which allowed the examiner to determine if the answers were genuine or being manipulated during scoring. 

Appointment number three took another two hours, during which I was given the WIAT-II (Welscher Individual Achievement Test, edition 2).  This was a test of academic achievement which screened for academic ability, particularly as it related to the overall intelligence scores attained on the IQ test.  It was used to determine the presence of any learning disabilities, and examined everything from oral reading ability to reading and writing comprehension; spelling; basic and advanced mathematics and processing speed. 

The final appointment before sitting down to discuss test results took just under an hour.  The grad student who had been examining me performed the ADOS-2 (Autism Diagnostic Observation Schedule edition 2, module 4 for fully verbal adults).  Sitting to the side to observe our interactions and score the test, was a second grad student.

This test was a semi-structured interaction between the examiner and myself, during which time the examiner presented a multitude of activities which were designed to elicit specific responses, the nature of which could indicate the presence or absence of autism.  It “pressed” for responses to social reciprocity; attempts at social overtures; nonverbal body language; idiosyncradic language or behaviours; odd or extremely narrow interests; complex body movements; theory of mind; and the understanding of complex social behaviours such as friendship, marriage, and emotional expression.

The fifth appointment was when I finally received the results of my evaluation.  The grad student who had tested me gave me an 18-page document detailing every aspect of the assessment, from the details of our conversations about my childhood and experiences, to breakdowns of the scores on all of my various tests and explanations of their meanings, and a multi-paragraph examination of my ADOS results, along with a quantitative chart denoting my scores relative to each social press.

Page 14 noted that I officially met the necessary criteria for an autism spectrum diagnosis, and that I had no learning disabilities or depression, but that my anxiety, while not severe enough to warrant a diagnosis, was high enough to be in need of monitoring.

The four pages after that contained a number of recommendations for future treatment, including individual therapy, social skills group, medication, and continued self-education.

And there you have it.  As you can see, an autism evaluation, when conducted properly, is so much more than just a doctor giving you a checklist of symptoms, or of you describing your symptoms to a psychologist and their saying, “Yep, sounds like autism!”  It is very detailed and complex, and takes a lot of time and energy, both on the part of the person being evaluated, and on that of the diagnostician.  It is not a simple thing, but, at the end of the day, you can rest assured that the testing was thorough and in earnest, not something that was cobbled together halfheartedly.

This is why I get so frustrated when I read things like, “I know myself better than a doctor does!” or, “Doctors make mistakes too!”  Of course doctors make mistakes, they are human too.  The difference is, doctors are far, far less likely to make a mistake than a layman reading information on the internet, because they’ve studied their specific field for years, and taken very specific, very difficult licensing exams to be able to conduct testing.  Doctors also have the ability to use objective, quantitative evaluations of your strengths and weaknesses to reach conclusions about you that you didn’t know about yourself.  For example, I suspected that my atrocious math skills were a result of dyscalculia.  They’re not.  They’re the result of a severely diminished processing speed (as in 13th percentile severe, meaning that 87% of the adult population has a processing speed that is faster than mine).  If I had just rattled off a list of symptoms to my psychologist and said, “I really suck at math,” and she took that at face value, I could easily have been misdiagnosed with dyscalculia and given inappropriate treatment.  I don’t need to be taught math differently, I just need to be taught it more slowly.  Please remember this post the next time you see someone say, “Professional diagnosis is no more valid than self-diagnosis because professionals just listen to you talk about symptoms and give you a checklist off the internet!”  Thank you.

TLDR: My autism eval was very long, very time and energy-intensive, used a variety of different standardized testing measures, and was generally a lot more complex than being given a questionnaire by my therapist or reeling off my symptoms and being told, “Yep, it’s autism!”

[oshynic-blog]

Living with mental health

Hey guys, It’s Oshynic here, and I’m bringing you a more serious topic talking about me and my mental health. I’m writing this not to complain or moan about my conditions, but to spread awareness and hoping that this may be shared around to help those in need. Just a warning to those who are sensitive to this sort of information, there will be discussion about self-harm and suicide.

In Australia, our government supports those in need of professional mental heath help by providing them with a Mental Health Care Plan. A mental health care plan is based on a test and many observations and the results are written by a doctor for people to then get the support needed. An example of this test, called a K10 test, can be found at the beyondblue website found below in the description (https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/anxiety-and-depression-checklist-k10) but if you are having questions about your mental health, please see a doctor.

The Mental Health Care Plan identifies what type of health care you need, and spells out what you and your doctor have agreed you are aiming to achieve. It also refers you to local mental health services.

I recently got mine updated, to be able to continue to see my councillor for free. With this test, I am granted 10 free sessions with her and need to renew this every year.

Due to mine being updated, I would like to share my results so that my viewers can understand me just a little bit more, although there are some things that I would like to keep private.

The Plan covers any relevant medication that I am currently taking, states my hospitalised mental health records and my family history with mental health.

On the bottom of the page, it states any relevant Medical Conditions also, these being ADHD and PDD.

Let’s start off with explaining these two conditions. Please note that each illness is individual to the person and effects everyone differently. Also note that these illnesses have been approved by a professional paediatrician. Please do not self-diagnose yourself via the internet.

ADHD

ADHD, or Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder is a behavioural disorder, not an illness or a sign of low intelligence. People with ADHD have three main symptoms, being categorised as;

inattention – having difficulty concentrating, forgetting instructions, moving from one task to another without completing anything

impulsivity – talking over the top of others, having a ‘short fuse’, being accident prone

overactivity – constant restlessness and fidgeting

I have two of these symptoms, inattention and impulsivity, including one other that is not usually categorised; dreamer type, meaning that I am categorised as “non-hyperactive”

Having this symptom leads to being unable to tolerate a sensory overload, making it extremely hard for me to go to parties, be in classrooms, drive or work. I have to take everything very slowly and with lots of attention, which backfires because I always have my head in the clouds.

As a kid, I particularly enjoyed role-playing. I wrote scripts about being someone else, in numerous different situations. Writing was my passion, and still is today.

As a young adult, I struggle immensely with making and keeping friends. Always have and probably always will. People get put off by my poor people skills and not being aware of my surroundings.

Research shows that most little dreamers are female, and are therefore exposed to a different role expectation. Apparently, it is more acceptable for girls to be slightly scatterbrained, dreamy and slow. However, this becomes unacceptable once she starts school. Little dreamers are also rather clumsy when it comes to fine motor skills, so that no one realises how much effort has gone into the sloppily written homework. The biggest problem is remembering the homework assignments at all, and then starting them.

My biggest problem is told to go and do, but I forget half of it in the process. This happens so often at school and at work, and because I am so hypersensitive, unkind words or nasty looks hurt me to the core, to the point where I doubt myself so badly and become suicidal, flooded with self-loathing thoughts. The tears come far too quickly, and the I am powerless to stop them.

If you would like to read more about dreamers, here is an amazing e-book. http://www.medice.ch/indikationen-1/adhs/patienteninformationen/weiteres-adhs-infomaterial/traumerchen-engl..pdf

 PDD-NOS

PDD-NOS stands for Pervasive Developmental Disorder – Not Otherwise Specified and means that I have a developmental delay. Having PDD-NOS also means that I have some signs of autism spectrum disorder (ASD), like difficulties with social communication and making friends as explained above, but they don’t meet the entire criteria for an ASD diagnosis.

This means that I find social interaction hard, or show repetitive behaviour with routines and rituals such as self-harming behaviour when I am sad.

Having PDD makes it incredibly difficult regulating behaviours and emotions, which may result in me having, anxiety attacks and experiencing mental breakdowns.

 Onto the next page of the report is a examinations. This includes a variety of questions and observations made by my doctor:

Mental Status Examination

Apperancy: Normal

Mood: Depressed

Thinking: Good

Affect: Blunted (meaning my answers were blunt and straight to the point)

Attention: Decreased

Sleep: Nightmares, disturbed sleep

Appetite: Decreased

Energy: Low

Memory: Short-term

Judgement: fair

Orientation: Normal

Speech: normal

Some may look at that and take it as I was just “having a bad day”. But you would be incorrect. That is usually how I am all the time.

Risk Assessment:

Suicidal thoughts: Yes

Current suicide plan: No

Suicidal intent: No (Meaning did I “really” want to die)

Risk to others: No

 On the next page was my K10 assessment, with my score being 39, the highest being 50 and on the next was my plan of what to do in a crisis and my mental health referral.

Mental illnesses were listed as Depression, Anxiety and Borderline Personality Disorder.

 Depression:

I get it, everyone is sad right. But not everyone is depressed. Depression is a chemical imbalance in your brain making every thought and action worthless.

Some days it’s better, other days it’s worse. Some day’s I will wake up feeling incredibly depressed and other days are caused by something that has triggered me to be depressed, either chemically or emotionally.

My symptoms include;

The continuous feelings of sadness, emptiness or hopelessness.

Angry outbursts, irritability or frustration, even over small matters.

Loss of interest or pleasure in most or all normal activities.

Sleep disturbances.

Lack of energy, so even small tasks take extra effort.

 When I am feeling depressed, everything seems worthless. It is the reason why I have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. When I drink, I drink to forget about my problems, hoping that they will go away.

 Anxiety

We can all experience anxious feelings sometimes – it might be about exam results, a job interview or even who will win the final of a sports match. These feelings are a normal part of life and can help us avoid danger or perform at our best. For some people though, their anxious feelings can be much more extreme. This anxiety is more than feeling stressed – it's a serious condition that makes day-to-day life difficult.

My anxiety stops me from asking questions, from making appointments to answering calls at work. I get so scared that I am going to mess up somehow and doubt myself.

 Borderline Personality Disorder

And finally, my newest addition, BPD. Being affected with BPD makes it difficult to manage my emotions and impulses and maintaining a stable self-image.

The symptoms that I experience include:

Feeling empty, low self-esteem

Paranoia or emotional detachment

Anxiety about relationships

 //I’m really sorry, I got really distracted from writing this, so it’s probably best to end this essay here. Let me end on this note: These issues do not define who I am. They are traits and I choose them not to rule over me. Yes I have bad days, but I am hopeful for my future!

Please share this with any friends or family that you feel would benefit from this.

And please get help if you need it.

 Love you all,

Oshynic xx

[mikeyd1986]

MIKEY’S PERSONAL BLOG 45, March 2017

On Monday morning, I had my second appointment with counselling psychologist Ms. Angela Ewing at Casey Allied Health in Berwick. Getting a parking spot was a pain in the ass with cars constantly pulling in and out of each bay and most of the spaces being full. I was stressing out because I only had five minutes until my appointment time and getting a spot was tough. Eventually I did find one and hoped that my car wouldn’t be towed away for not parking in the correct parking bay. https://caseyalliedhealth.com.au/se...

Today we discussed issues about making conversation with others in social situations, coping strategies for dealing with anxiety and being tested for ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder). I actually have a family history of it and there is a possibility that I do have it as well. Angela got me to fill out a questionnaire containing 100 questions. I scored 51 which was a borderline result. However, Angela believes that I should get a proper screening test done as my behaviours (fidgeting, forgetfulness, easily distracted) seem to suggest otherwise. https://add.org/adhd-test/

On Monday afternoon, I met up with my Mum at The Main Cafe Bar Restaurant in Berwick. It’s my Mum’s 50th birthday so I decided to surprise her with a shopping bag filled with pressies. I bought her a bunch of purple flowers (her favourite colour), a green tea flavoured beauty pack, a ceramic tealight holder shaped like a teapot and a Bunnings teddy bear. It’s always good to see my mum smiling and happy. We shared a large margarita pizza together and chatted about each other’s mornings. http://www.themainberwick.com.au/

On Tuesday morning, I had an appointment with my support worker Ally at Colourfield Cafe Casey Central. I had a lot of things to get off my chest today starting with the huge 5km run around Lysterfield Lake last Sunday. I found it really tough fitting in socially mainly due to the fact that this group of 20-something UFT Playgrounds members were mostly new to me. I didn’t know what to say or how to make conversation. I’ve always felt like an outsider in these sorts of social situations. Still I tried to blend in at times and decided to leave early as I’d reached my limit.

I’m also considering getting a referral to see a psychiatrist to get tested for ADHD following yesterday’s appointment with Angela. It’s something that I’ve considered over the last few months and it would give me clarity to know whether I have it or not. My cousin was diagnosed with Autism so there is a family history there and could possibly be a genetic disorder.

We also discussed my sexuality and how comfortable I am with it. I came out of the closet as a gay man when I turned 21 years old. Ten years later, I still have moments where I hesitate telling people. It’s not really a big deal to me nor do I feel like I need to broadcast that information so that the entire world knows. I think it’s more of an anxiety issue, being worried of how the other person will react and will it change anything. Most people accept me for who I am, sexuality included, so it shouldn’t really matter.

On Tuesday night, I went to my Body Combat class at YMCA Casey ARC in Narre Warren. In typical Melbourne style, it was pouring with rain and even some of the streets were flooded. But this didn’t stop me from driving out to my class. I was still feeling a bit sore from my run on Sunday (still not used to those DOMs) but I figured that I could handle it and rest if I needed to.

Tonight was a really tough workout. Even our instructor Cinamon Guerin was getting worn out towards the end of it. The most challenging parts of me involved a flowing movement going from a lunge to a wide side squat and back again (my thighs are really gonna love me tomorrow!). There were also combo sequences involving jab boxes, uppercuts and hooks plus the usual high knee lifts, round-house kicks, side kicks and front kicks. http://w3.lesmills.com/israel/en/cl...On Thursday morning, I had my counseling se 

On Thursday morning, I had my counseling session with Ruth at Piece Together Counselling in Narre Warren. Today we focused on celebrating my positive qualities and achievements. I’m quite a modest person and so I’ve never really boasted or made a big deal about the things that I do so it’s nice hearing it from another person’s perspective. I’m making small steps toward breaking through my mental barriers and being able to achieve my goals in life. I still have moments of self-doubt, jealousy, awkwardness and anxiety but I’m finding ways to better adapt and cope with it. https://www.piecetogethercousellingnarrewarren.org/... 

On Thursday afternoon, I had my one-on-one PT session with Luke Davey at Breakaway Fitness in Narre Warren. Today was a really tough session for me, both mentally and physically. I feel like I’m connecting well with Luke on a personal level now and not being afraid of speaking my mind. The warm-up exercises involved a 60m cowboy walk, four rounds of 15 glute bridges and four rounds of kettle bell side stretches. 

The development exercises were definitely the most challenging for me mentally and emotionally. I started doing 12 reps of weighted front squats with 10kg added. I got a little shaky trying to keep my balance and not fall over but I did okay. Next was the box jumps. I was absolutely shitting myself inside. I didn’t want a repeat of my last year’s disastrous attempts where I nearly walked out in tears. 

This was very much a mental with the fear of tripping over the box and making a fool of myself in front of Luke really holding me back. But I kept persevering. I kept telling myself “I’m not going to let that box defeat me”. My thighs were getting more and more fatigued with each attempt but that didn’t stop me. Luke decided to add two foam mats stacked on top of each other for extra height. Boom! I finally did it. It’s going to take time for me to overcome this fear but today I really made some great progress towards it. 

In the workout today, I had to do 30, 20 and 10 reps of the following exercises: Rowing Machine in calorie mode and weighted squats. My goal time was 15 minutes. This was a really tough workout for me as the fatigue was really getting to me. My legs were physically shaking and at one point I nearly dropped the bar but thankfully Luke stood behind me and made sure I kept doing them correctly. I told myself “There’s nothing wrong with struggling. I’m gonna finish this.” And I did. I even smashed my goal time which I didn’t expect. https://www.facebook.com/breakawayf...    

On Friday morning, I attended my Vinyasa Flow yoga class at Just Be Yoga and Meditation in Beaconsfield. Of course, my DOMs (Delayed Onset Muscle Soreness) was coming on strong through my legs, thighs and glutes after yesterday’s PT session so I really had to be mindful and not overdo it today. It was another full class with about 10-12 students in the studio. http://www.yogajournal.com/slidesho...  

Today we did the following poses and sequences:

Flowing Sequence 1...From Bound Angle pose (Baddha Konasana) and a Forward Fold, transition into Reverse Table Top, then into Staff pose with a Forward Fold, then transition into Reverse Plank and flow back into Bound Angle pose.  

Flowing Sequence 2...From Standing Forward Bend (Uttanasana), move your right foot back into a High Lunge then into Downward Facing Dog, Plank, Chaturanga and up into either Seal pose or Upward Facing Dog pose. Then bring your feet back up to meet your hands, raise your arms up and into Mountain pose (Tadasana)

On Saturday morning, we celebrated Mum’s 50th birthday with a High Tea at our place. We spent the morning getting the outdoor patio area set up with tables, chairs and decorations before the catering staff arrived. It was a lovely day with 15 of Mum’s friends and relatives in attendance. The weather was fairly hot and humid but luckily the undercover roofing provided adequate shade for us all to enjoy the day.

In terms of the food, we were absolutely spoiled with finger sandwiches, mini quiches, scones with jam and cream, strawberries and marshmallows. We also had a selection of teas, coffees and flavoured lemon-lime water. I decided to give Mum one last present and it was a really special one. I bought her an Elvis Presley guitar clock and she absolutely loved it. I was so relieved that it arrived on time as I had to get it posted from interstate.

Later we all engaged in a fun game of pass the parcel which was really entertaining with Mum blowing her whistle to stop passing and unwrap a layer of paper. Everyone got a small present and seemed to enjoy themselves. It was a great idea. 

On Saturday night, we drove down to the city and checked into the Pensione Hotel on Spencer Street. After getting changed, we all walked down to the The Colonial Tramcar Restaurant tram stop near the Queen Victoria Market. Eventually, we boarded the burgundy-coloured tram and sat down inside the booth. This was a whole other level of fancy in terms of being wined and dined. The detailing inside the tram car was immaculate with plush red velvet seating, tasseled lampshades and beautifully furnished wood paneling.

We were in for a long 3 hour dinner with the tram taking us down to South Melbourne, St. Kilda and Albert Park. The five course meal included appetizers (crackers with hummus and red capsicum dips), entree (grilled barramundi fillets), main course (breast of chicken with potatoes and greens), cheese selection (crackers, two specialty cheeses, dried apricots, nuts) and dessert (cheesecake, chocolate brownie, strawberries, blueberries). 

The service was excellent throughout the night with the staff regularly walking through the center aisle and asking the guests whether they’d like another drink. We also had to option of having a coffee, tea or lacquer to finish the night on. Walking back to my hotel room with my step dad and my uncle, I was well and truly knackered, bloated and busting for the toilet. But I have no regrets and I refuse to feel guilty about overindulging for a special occasion. Back on the fitness horse next week! http://tramrestaurant.com.au/ “I had a one-way ticket to a place where all the demons go. Where the wind don’t change and nothing in the ground can ever grow. No hope, just lies and you’re taught to cry into your pillow. But I survived. I’m still breathing, I’m still breathing. I’m alive”                         Sia - Alive (2016) 

“Uh-oh, running out of breath, but I. Oh, I got stamina. Uh-oh, running now, I close my eyes. Well, oh, I got stamina...Don’t give up, I won’t give up. Don’t give up, no no no...I’m free to be the greatest, I’m alive.” Sia - The Greatest (2016)