#next part is gonna go 0-100 fair warning

[norel-ravenclaw]

Would You Rather Ikepri Scenarios

Fandom: Ikemen Prince (otome game)

Featured characters: Clavis, Chevalier, Cyran, Keith, Licht, Sariel, Yves, Luke, Jin, Leon

Genre: Shenanigans and Spicy Romance

Rating: 14+

Word count: 5

Description: Would You Rather poll result scenarios! Your faves and a couple of mine.

WARNINGS: | spicy scenarios, nothing terribly explicit | it would seem I underestimated my appreciation of introducing spice from 0-100 lmao | mxw |

Clavis

This idiot is gonna be the death of me: a timeline.

8:00 - The Kidnapping.

I blindfolded Clavis and got him to the awaiting carriage.

8:15 - Arrival (And Hasty Lipstick Reapplication).

After a… entirely uneventful carriage trip into town, we arrive at the surprise destination. A school.

8:19 - The Reveal.

To my surprise, Clavis gasps in absolute delight as the ‘Science Faire’ banner is unfurled, and the crowd is ushered into the dining hall, set up with tables and experiments everywhere. A child or two stands nervously beside each setup (none of which I could explain at a glance).

8:26 - Wow He’s Already Having Such A Good Time.

Clavis holds a little girl up to pour a concoction into a paper-mache mountain, and the gathered crowd shrieks and cheers as a fiery, foamy explosion goes off.

9:34 - My Lover’s Ego Is Irreparably Boosted.

“You’re the best, Mr Clavis!” “See mine next, Mr Clavis!” “Wow, you’re so smart, Mr Clavis!”

10:15 - Everyone’s New Favourite Prince

After going to every single table, chatting with every single child about every single science topic, we reach the end.

10:18 - The Inspirational Speech (And Intervention)

Clavis is asked to give a speech on the importance of science and being curious, improving the mind and inspiring innovations of the future. I step in quickly once the topic turns to pranks.

11:53 - The Luncheon

After a luncheon of being inundated with students, parents, and fawning teachers, we finally escape back to the carriage.

11:59 - The Long Ride Back

Another entirely uneventful carriage ride that takes the long way back… for no particular reason.

Chevalier

“I finished number three.”

“Four is on your left.” My eyes flick up to her in the jostling carriage. We’ve been reading non-stop since dawn. The northwestern territory is a long journey from the capitol, but the simpleton insisted on accompanying me nonetheless.

To pass the time, I brought a book series we recently discovered.

While I began book five, she began three. Her body showed her weariness, but her eyes showed her enthusiasm for the story. As she swayed to the motion of the carriage, her ankles crossed with mine, a smile tugged at my lips.

So this is bliss.

Cyran

“I think that’s the last of it,” he pants. “Finally.”

Behind us in an abandoned wing of the castle is a room filled to bursting with crates, boxes, glass tubes, and flasks.

The reason for our frantic gathering task: a vial found by the gardens labeled ‘Hallucinogenic Gas’.

Cyran helped me find Prince Clavis’ secret stash of illicit powders and such, and we hastily removed them to a temporary hiding place.

I lean back against the railing of the abandoned staircase to catch my breath, but the knight bolts forward. I gasp as he roughly pulls me into his arms.

“My lady! The masonry in this part of the castle is in disrepair, it might not… might not be safe.”

Suddenly realizing our proximity, he clears his throat and carefully steps back. I am grateful for the dim light of the evening to mask my furious blush.

Cyran crosses his arms and leans against the wall. “You certainly are brave to go up against him like this.”

I can’t help but chuckle. “You’re either brave or stupid to work for him like this.”

He smirks, and brushes a lock of red hair from his face. “Both, milady. No doubt.”

I am left unable to doubt the reason my heart starts to beat faster.

Keith

We lie in bed together on an oddly warm autumn night. The windows are open, a brass telescope still set up, pointed towards the stars. My nightdress is bunched around my thighs, one of which is draped over his. Keith’s large, gentle hands stroke me slowly. One on my hair, and the other on the sensitive skin of my wrist. He traces constellations there, holding me to consciousness just enough to be able to guess most of them. In the silence, we breathe together, in our own little world.

Licht

The spring breeze bends the blades of grass around us as I try to unfurl the picnic blanket. My first try, however, underestimates the power of this breeze, sending it up and over my head.

A gorgeous, heavenly, completely unexpected sound rings out - Licht’s laugh.

He helps toss it back over my head to free me, a smirk on his lips. I look up at him with what has to be a lovesick grin.

“What’s that for?”

“I love you.”

His crimson eyes widen at my declaration. Then he melts into another precious smile. “I love you too.”

He leans in towards me for a kiss, but suddenly we’re falling, sprawled in a tangle of limbs and blanket.

“Marron!” he gasps, grumbling as he quickly sits up. The beautiful horse tosses its head behind us, stamping impatiently by the picnic basket.

I can’t help but laugh. “You’ll get your carrots soon enough, goodness.”

My lover’s face twists a little. “Carrots?”

“I packed them separately, don’t worry.”

He huffs a sigh and pulls a stray leaf out of my hair. “Good. Otherwise I’d have to eat you out here instead.”

Our eyes meet, red tinting our cheeks.

“There’s always room for dessert…?”

Sariel

The padded bench in the library has evidently long been a subject of fierce contention.

There are rumours in the palace that Prince Nokto lost his virginity on this bench. Not to mention all of the maids and noblewomen who claim to have been… entertained by certain princes there.

However, considering that it was part of the palace’s original architecture, they couldn’t tear it out.

Sariel finally ordered that a compartment be opened up beneath it to store bolts of replacement fabric every time it was proven… defiled.

After one such replacement, I found the devil one early morning, asleep on that very bench he hated so much.

Surrounded by the pale silver morning light streaming in from the tall windows, he looks like something out of a dream. Seeing him looking so restful, my own tiredness is brought back to my attention.

Next thing I know, my books are on the floor, and I’m settling in next to him.

“What do you think you’re doing?” comes his sleepy response.

“Nothing, go back to sleep.”

He sighs, stretching out his legs. “This is awfully early for you to be up, anyway, isn’t it?”

“Yes. But I missed you, and I was too happy to see you here.”

His eyes finally open. Their amethyst depths consider me, wrapped around his arm. At last, his lips twist into a smirk. “I just had this fabric replaced too. Pity.”

Yves

I felt guilty, at first, using her as my personal doll. But she seemed perfectly happy, excited even, at the prospect of me choosing her outfit for the day. She put on everything I suggested, sitting obediently as I fixed her hair. She then insisted on putting on my earrings for me. Not that I know why! It was a silly thing to do, I’m sure. I am perfectly capable of putting on my own jewelry, thank you!

My lessons and chiding her on matters of etiquette have finally begun to pay off. Even her walk is improving. She looked far more the part of an elegant lady today. Naturally, after spending so much time in my presence, my impeccable mannerisms were sure to rub off at some point.

But then… she was awfully tired when we finally returned to the palace. It would have been a bother for her to stumble on the stairs on the way back to her room, so… I offered she stay in mine. And then… I offered to help her out of her jewelry. …And to brush out her hair. …Then out of her corset, and dress. Then… Oh enough already! You nosy snoop, you know exactly what happened so just get out of here already! You don’t need me to say it!

Luke

Luke’s chest makes a wonderful pillow as we lay in the grass, pitch black night all around us. The gentle breeze blows the water of the nearby pond, making a soft lulling background for our stargazing.

“There’s another one!” I point to a streak of silver in the sky.

“Hm, I wish… for more honey cakes.”

I laugh and roll my eyes. “You’ve wished for honey four times already!”

He chuckles, the sound resonating around me. “I’m running out of things to wish for! There’s too many!” He grabs my arm as another cosmic line catches his eye. “There’s one!”

“Alright, I wish for… a kiss.”

Luke freezes for a moment. “A kiss…? Alright then.”

Next thing I know, I’m sliding down his muscular torso to his lap as he sits up. Leaning down, he grins at me. “Seems kinda silly, to waste a whole shooting star wish on just one kiss.”

Our lips meet briefly, and we stare at each other. “…Should I wish for more than that?”

Something flashes in his emerald eyes, and he runs an arm beneath my legs. “I think you should.”

Jin

I grunt as I’m forced down onto the stone floor… again.

Jin huffs above me, his chest heaving a little from the exertion. “That’s another loss, kid.”

I groan, and his laugh quickly morphs into a serious expression.

“You really need to get this self defense stuff, ya know. You need to take this seriously.”

Grateful for the momentary respite, I laugh. “Hm, I didn’t think I’d have to explain to you of all people the ability to take something very seriously… while having the time of your life.”

His burgundy eyes widen, as does his grin. “Oh, having the time of your life pinned underneath me, hm? You like being manhandled?”

I bite my lip in response and have the perfect view while his mind short circuits.

He licks his, his eyes narrowing dangerously. Leaning in close, he whispers in my ear, his voice rich and deep. “Alright then, naughty thing. If you manage to get away from me three times, I’ll do all this to you naked.”

“…Deal!”

Leon

At first it sounded like a terrible idea. Who in their right mind would climb onto the roof of a castle??

And yet, I should have had more faith in him. He had found, years ago, a flat spot outside of a window on the top ministerial floor, away from prying eyes and balconies.

And so we cuddle close with his cloak over both our shoulders, a basket of snacks between us (definitely not stolen from Yves’ discarded reject batch), watching the sunset.

…Hopefully no one questions the scattered crumbs and frosting of an exploded cookie down in the courtyard.

Not by best work, but hopefully worth a smile or two~ Any writing suggestions?

[kyidyl]

So I'd wanted to answer this and then ADHD happened, but since then this post has gotten more traction, so I'm gonna answer your question and then tag everyone else and answer their questions, too, in one long master post. ^_^

Fun Fact #1, baby teeth: So the baby teeth thing! Both you and @celestialyearning wanted to know about this. And the answer is....both! We are born with tiny germs of teeth in our jaws, that then grow and develop into adult teeth. So because your body is growing them, anything you consume is built into your adult teeth. Here's my favorite tooth development chart:

(Source)

And, as you can see if you enlarge it, you can see that by the time you're born you do have the beginnings of your milk teeth and no adult teeth, but as you grow so do they, until there's no room in your jaw for them and they start to push up on the milk teeth. As we all know, those then loosen and fall out, usually painlessly. As part of this process the cementum thins and degrades and the ligament does the same thing. Then the emerging teeth have their own cementum and ligaments.

Now the teeth aren't like...free floating in your jaw. The aren't ever even really touching your jawbone. What happens is that hey develop in little pockets that then lift them up to the surface, completely replacing your original tooth sockets. I'll put a pic at the end behind a cut so you can see if you'd like (fair warning, the pic is creepy), but it kind of works like this:

See how it kinda starts in its own area and then merges with the other socket and gets pushed up? You'll be able to see it pretty clearly in the image under the cut. And every animal that has teeth has something similar. Which is to say, a mechanism to ensure that the teeth are capable of chewing throughout the animal's life. In mammals, they'll also have a way of preventing the baby from injuring the mother while nursing (hence the name "milk teeth".). And the cavity moves up with the tooth, so there's no like open space in the jaw where the tooth used to be.

Now @consultingcommander mentioned that they work with large animals, mostly horses, and horses are a good example of this. Horse teeth are *huge* when they're not in the socket. Like....they just have these giant honkin' molars that go really deep in their skull. Here's a drawing of it:

And the reason for this is because as their teeth wear down, they get pushed up through the jaw. This is their strategy for being able to eat for the length of their lives. They have some tooth issues that arise throughout the course of their lives (namely, some of their molars get super sharp and have to be filed down so they don't hurt themselves.), and I suspect this is a result of the domestication process and was not found in wild horses (to make the distinction here: every horse you might think of as being wild - yes, mustangs. Yes, the ones in the Appalachians. Yes, even the ones on Assateague island - are feral. They're the decedents of domestic horses that were allowed into the wild and out from under human care. The only exception is a przewalski's horses, and even that is a "we're not 100% sure" type thing. But they are definitely the closest to the extinct wild type horses.).

Fun tooth fact # 2, canines are social: I also want you to notice how small their canines are. Canines are the only tooth that is social in nature. The smaller the canine, the less competition for mates. And in horses, given that they're bred by humans pretty strictly (this might be different in the really long-running feral populations.), so there's basically 0 competition for mates and they have tiny canines. This is why sometimes in herbivorous species you see huuuuge canines - like camels and gorillas - because they have a high amount of competition for mates. So the next time you see the manliest manly man fantasy creature with giant canines....just know that it's because they're fighting for mates, not because they're particularly fierce. ;) And also the next time somebody tries to tell you to excuse poor behavior in cismen wrt women because "it's their evolutionary drive for mates", laugh at them because humans have tiny canines. Like tiiiiiiiiiiiiny canines. Chimps literally have something called a "honing complex" in their teeth to *sharpen their canines for fighting* and it is completely missing in humans. We just don't have it. Somethingsomething vampire --> penis analogy in fiction, lol.

Fun fact #3, ethnicity and teeth: @fierycavalier said this in their tags in the reblog:

And it's true! One of the *most* accurate way of telling ethnicity in human remains is via the teeth! Because whilst things like enamel, shape with respect to function, milk teeth, etc. can change quickly, there are little characteristics to your teeth that change *incredibly* slowly. Like so slowly they almost don't at all. They're almost completely cosmetic. So let me give you a really easy example: Asians and Native Americans have something on their teeth called "shoveling" (which other populations can have, but it's damned rare, and almost all of those populations have them.). And what it basically is, is a raised border around the back of your incisors. It looks like this (tooth pic incoming):

Now if you'll notice in the front two incisors on the lower right area near the bottom of the V there are little lines that almost look like the enamel has been squished. Those lines are an entirely separate example of a cosmetic tooth feature that can help determine ethnicity. The number of those little squishies varies depending on your ethnicity. There's also something called a Bushman's Canine:

It is that bump on the lower right hand curve of the tooth. It's hard to see, but if you want more detail, here's a paper on it. And if you google literally anything about dental anthropology or this method of determining ethnicity or pretty much teeth in general, you'll find this guy named Joel Irish. He pretty much invented all of this methodology and the field around it. He was my dental anthropology teacher in grad school and he's a pretty neat guy. But it is kind of amusing to me that literally any time I see a paper even vaguely involving tooth things, his name is on it. He's worked on eeeeeeeeeverything.

Anyway yeah you totally can tell ethnicity from teeth way better than bones. I know how to do both, but the teeth work better. The main limitation is that you need to have most of the teeth in the mouth and sometimes that doesn't happen, especially in archaeology vs forensics. But you cannot really tell sex from teeth. It doesn't work reliably, and you DEFINITELY can't do it in the field. I don't care what you saw on Bones, it isn't a consistent thing, the guy who invented this field told me so himself.

Fun Fact #4, prisms!: This is my personal favorite of the fun facts, and something I spent a good 6 months studying in grad school. I wrote two papers on it, and I think of it almost like my second thesis. @ceanothusspinosus mentioned in their tags about replicating enamel on a molecular level. And ooooh boy, strap in.

So when enamel is forming during development, it kinda.....squirts up and flops over. Like remember these things from being a kid?

Imagine that the plunger is like the cells that make your enamel. Point the end up in the air, and picture how the play-doh squishes out and then flops over. Imagine you did this and covered the whole outside of the extruder with playdough all around from where it came out in the middle.

I swear to god this is relevant, just stay with me.

Now, you've got all that play-doh hanging around the sides, but if you cut off a piece of it in the middle, it's still the shape of the nozzle, right? So imagine that your tooth-growing cells are the extruder in the center of your tooth, and the play-doh is the enamel. On a microscopic level, your enamel is made of tubes of shaped enamel cells inside a matrix that were laid out in a similar way to how the strings of play-doh would fall if you pushed out the doh with the nozzle facing up. Kind of like how the hair grows out of your head, which on reflection might have been a better analogy, but IDK I'm gonna stick with the play-doh.

These are called tooth prisms. And at first I was like "so what, that's weird but ok", but then Joel told us that every animal has a different shaped prism. Now, you guys don't know this about me probably, but I was premed in undergrad for a LONG time and I've had all of the required premed science classes and so my little physics learnings started going into the ADHD blender with these ideas and I was like "Hey Joel, does it have anything to do with their food?" and he says "no, not that we can tell".

But I...._I_ can tell. Because I said to myself "that doesn't make any sense that a key feature of tooth enamel - the thing that literally gives it all its strength - does not have anything to do with the diet of the thing using said tooth enamel. And so I decided to look into it myself and that's how I arrived at the subject of my first term paper.

So to make a long story short, I found as many different pictures of tooth prisms as I could from different animals. And what I found was that with the exception of a few outliers like sea otters, the shapes could be grouped into 3 general categories: arched or keyhole, flat arched or ginko leaf, and a thinner, flatter arch. And Joel was right, there was no consistency in the content of the diet of these animals....

...but there WAS consistency in the force needed and forces applied in processing the various foods. For example, leaves and hay are different foods, but they both need to be ground up in the teeth to be consumed. Rodents, or animals that have teeth that never stop growing and routinely chew through hard things, all have the same shape category. So I categorized their diets by the forces applied to the tooth by the food consumed, and there absolutely is a correlation.

Anyway, I still have some questions to answer and this is already super long so I'm not gonna get into the weeds on it, but if you're curious and you want to read the papers I wrote you can read the first one here, and the second one here.

Lastly, answers to random questions and comments from the tags and notes:

@astargatelover A, Star Gate is awesome and my fav is Universe, it's a tragedy that it never finished. B, that sounds incredibly painful and awful, I'm sorry.

@notachair Yep! Not bone, they're not even remotely connected to bone beyond using similar elements in their composition. And, yes, you could bite through your finger. The thing about it being as easy as a carrot is completely false, and you're really have to try to do it, but you could. I don't recommend attempting it though. ;) And, you probably weren't wondering this, but because my *actual* thesis was on the possible role of prions and genetics in the addition of meat to the hominin diet, I can tell you that if you DID do that you can't get a prion illness from it. Yes, we do have freakishly strong enamel and no one really knows why bc we cook all our food and have for eons. Personally I think it's either the dirt or a holdover from the robustus species in our lineage; they had huge, strong teeth. It isn't the strongest, but considering our diet it is strong relative to our bodies and some of the strongest in the animal kingdom. Sea otters have REALLY freakishly strong enamel, but they bite through clam shells for dinner so it makes sense. Yes! There is a layer that can heal. Dentin is great stuff, you can actually see some of it in the pic I posted of the shoveling. That individual has a decent amount of wear, and you can see the outline of the enamel around the dentin.

@dopeydiplodocus you requested teeth facts, and I have provided! So I'm tagging you to make sure you see. ^_^

@roxanedrawing I'm glad the bit about the flossing helped! The jaw stress thing is probably because people tend to tense those muscles or grind their teeth when stressed, and chewing on something hard helps release that tension and ergo the stress. Personally I carry stress in my abdomen and gut, but some people do in their jaws. But honestly if it makes you happy, there's nothing wrong with thinking of it as satisfying your inner caveman. There's probably an evolutionary reason for carrying stress in the jaw. And do it more often! You probably get stress headaches and I imagine relieving the stress in your jaw will help that.

@acidloe I think you might have been joking, BUT! Apparently the expression originated in the bible and actually has something to do with gums bc Job didn't have any teeth left. It's still apt, but they didn't realize HOW apt.

@bunkeror Absolutely, please do horrify your friends and family for me. Teeth are made of what are called epithelial cells. They are the same cells that turn into your hair, skin, and nails, and the ones in your teeth are very specialized. Here's a short paper talking about tooth structure if you want more info about that. And the enamel first evolved in the skin and then moved up into the teeth, so it absolutely started as skin cells and specialized. It was never even related to bones!

Ok, I THINK I got everyone, but if I didn't and you happen to see this (or obviously if you want more info because I'm literally incapable of shutting up), let me know!

Now, behold, creepy child skull cutaway. Obvious TW for a dead child, and weird bone stuff. There's no flesh here, it's a child's skull showing a close up of where some of the bone has been cut away to show the teeth growing in. Based on the stage of tooth development, they were almost 7 when they passed. Their adult canines show a condition called enamel hypoplasia, which is the presence of horizontal lines on the tooth caused by malnutrition or extreme stress during the child's early life and tooth development.

I wish people would stop saying that teeth are bones. They're really a type of specialized skin cell, which honestly I think is way more horrific. Like why go easy on people?

[trashcatsnark]

Oh, let me continue the subject of the jealousy of these two. You're saying that Johnny isn't the type to hold back when it comes to emotions. And it really is. But... there is a moment in the game when V talks about his exes or about stupid compliments in a conversation with River. And Johnny doesn't say anything. I would write it off as a scenario move, so as not to shift the focus from the River. But this isn't the only time Johnny ignores events in this quest line. See the second question

Part 2 for context:  So... I continue. Do you remember the moment when you watched brain damage and lost consciousness, when you and River were searching for clues about the mayor's murder? Johnny never ignored the moments when V passed out. Here River comes to the rescue, and you would think that he knows that there is someone to help and nothing to worry about ...But in similar situations with Judy and Panam, he would appear and deliver his moralizing remarks or make snide comments. 🤔

Personally, I do believe this is sort of a meta issue. I’ve talked about it a little bit before in a general post; how given his characterization, Johnny does not in my opinion talk as much as he should. In a more comedic example, I mentioned how could anyone honestly look me in the eye and say that Johnny wouldn’t have a comment on the guy with the exploding penis implant????  Like Johnny is majorly characterized as a guy who can’t leave well enough alone and always has something to say; yet theres a fairly large percentage of gigs and missions and moments where you’d think Johnny would have something to say and he doesn’t. There’s also times where lines are blatantly reused and in a jarring way.

Like, I could be wrong, but I think they reuse him saying “There it is” with both V getting Nibbles and a man committing suicide in a gig. Like????? 

Meta wise, I do think it’s partially a fear of over incorporating Johnny to the point players found him annoying. Because even now, some people find him irritating and wish he’d talk less. So, that could be a factor. The idea of not sidelining love interests is a factor of course. While, he has commentary through out each love interests questlines. He always does mostly bugger off during the romantic lead up and the actual kiss then sex. Because well, it might be a bit of a buzzkill and if you’re trying to get laid and Methed Out Future Keanu Reeves is yelling at you from the corner of the room. I mean, it’d probably enhance my experience but some people aren’t into that. 

As for why stuff like, him ignoring V getting zapped by the braindance in River’s quest. I’ve always thought that was ooc. Like, short of potentially the bd having fried him up for a bit, kinda like the emp blast does when V and Panam take down the AV. But overall, over and over again, Johnny is shown to be the first one there when V gets hurt. Even if its to yell at them for going into the toxic water or he waits a beat to appear once Panam is done looking over V. 

And that could be because they potentially again wanted to give more attention to River or... and I always hate to get into this sort of discourse, cause I know it aggravates some people. It was an oversight, something not caught, something not thought of, just because to be fair...River has the least polished questline of the love interests. The male love interests in general imo were sidelined more. But, River A) has the least amount of quests to build up to his romance, B) is the most easily missable love interest since he’s not even required to meet for the secret ending the way Kerry is. and C) this could just be my own personal experience, maybe cyberpunk 2077 provides unique bugs for everyone, but his quests are the buggiest for me.

And to be perfectly clear, this is not me being a dick to River. Do, I think some aspects of his character are kinda tone deaf, sure, but I like River. I think he’s a sweetheart, who’s usually pretty stiff, but has his cuter jokey moments and is a puppy dog underneath.  I love doing his quests because they’re truly very emotional, being able to help his family. Like, being able to save Randy is one of the best feelings in the game to me, knowing you saved him and so many other young boys. That’s why it honestly breaks my heart to see how little polish and attention his quests were given. From the calls glitching, him not staying on comms in the first quest, Johnny in my game doesn’t even give the dialogue warning my V about River wanting to sleep with her, like it just does not show up for me, The cobbled together family photo. The weird pacing of the romance that goes from 0 to a 100. Randy’s face glitches and clips through the mask when you’re saving him. Like the concept, the investigation, the intense stakes, and the emotional impact of his quest are all so good; but CDPR just did not in my opinion take enough time with it. 

So, maybe they didn’t bother to script and put Johnny in that scene despite it being something he’d most definitely pop in for; cause they just didn’t take their time with it like they could have/should have. 

And in regard to Johnny in universe and talking; while like I said he’s more upfront and direct with his anger and side comments that he uses to hide his real feelings. I do think, especially if its post oils field convo, a part of him tries desperately to bite his tongue and just sit with his feelings if he think its best for V. In the more love dovey romance moment with River, I could see him being like, “okay, V wants this, as much as it pisses me off, V deserves to have some good in their life” and tries to hold back and be good and then five seconds later “CANT BELIEVE YOU’RE GONNA MAKE ME FUCK A COP” cause he can only behave for so long. 

And I do wanna note; I am by no means consider myself a Johnny Silverhand expert. I’ve said this before, his characterization and just him as a person can be very messy, very all over the place, and contradictory at times. He can try to kill V and then the next day pop up to chat with them in a diner and be like “why aren’t you happy to see me?????? you still mad?????? its been a whole ass 5 hrs since I told you to kill yourself and bashed your head into a window, gotta learn to let shit go dude.” So, sometimes I worry I’m making him ooc, but its fun nontheless, so. 

[xxomalley]

( self para. mal. 003/part 1.)

who: mal, and the people she met in her first year of auradon.  what: mal arrived in auradon january 2016, and was only in arcadia uni for about two weeks before she went to auroria and got into deep shit. mostly informative? there are two ‘prose’ parts (about her employer, and her friend). when: for this part, january-early march 2016. where: arcadia uni for 2 weeks, and then auroria for the rest.

+ notes/recap at the end.

Mal arrived at Auradon on a Monday morning in January last year. She was the first of her siblings to leave their family and settle in Auradon. She had with her a heavy backpack of valuable trinkets, gold, and jewels (these were for pawn shops, to trade for money).

Monday afternoon, she took forms from Arcadia University and had a tour of the place. She promised the tour guide, the daughter of Rasputin, that she would sign the forms after the tour was complete (she did not).

Monday night, she slept in the forest and performed the magic to hide her wings. It was a painful process, and her first large feat of magic. It caused her fatigue for nearly two days.

Wednesday afternoon, she went out to town and visited each pawn shop, buying herself supplies and saving enough money for future plans. She bought gloves to handle the new phone she got (having a piece of metal with her all the time was going to be difficult). She also bought a wooden cane, to help her walk (adjusting to her different weight, sans wings, would take a while).

Two weeks later, she made plans to go to Auroria. The goal was to join the Fox Court.

She had heard about the Fox Court from other students in Arcadia University, those who had come from the south region of Auradon. The Fox Court was a small operation based in Auroria which gave good money for odd jobs, and opportunities for higher positions in the group. When the students talked about it, they would mention people they know who had joined the group. Mal never heard if they were able to get out. But if there was a promise of money and reputation, she needed to see.

Mal understood Auradon as a place that was only fair if you were royalty, if you had a good, clean name, or if you had money. Since she didn’t have the first two, she knew she had to rely on the last. Her plan was to get enough of her own money, to run her own sort of business that would protect others who struggled with their own reputation and their own names. People who deserved a second-chance, but didn’t trust Auradonians or had already been blatantly refused by them.

A month after she arrived, Mal dyed her hair purple. And she introduced herself to the Fox Court as Mal Bertha, the child of a minion from the Isle. As they were in Auroria, she was wary of revealing her parentage. Queen Aurora’s sympathy to Maleficent and her family was a liability.

Other new recruits was a zombie from the Land of the Dead (based in Auradon), by the name of Plum, and another child from the Isle, who had been the son of a pirate, named Calico. Calico was a few years older than Mal, and the two did not recognise each other.

And, though not a new recruit, Hank Thompson was also there.

The leader of the operation was a young man named Harcourt. Rumour had it that Harcourt’s father had exiled him from the family operation, which had led Harcourt to attempt his own.

As new members, Mal began as a look-out and scout while Plum and Calico were used as muscle. Plum, especially, being a zombie, was used as the human-shield, pushed into a room of armed men to tire them out before the rest of the group would come in. Calico and the others were used to steal the money and to hurt the men. They would always leave people battered and bruised. Brutality was the Fox Court’s calling card.

And despite having to stitch himself back together all the time (secretly with Mal’s magic), Plum was the highest paid of the three. Next was Calico, equally paid along with the others who had to fight. Mal was paid last.

Seen as expendable, the Fox Court made the trio target the more dangerous of the operations, namely the gambling dens, loansharks, and moving transports. Harcourt explained that, as two Isle kids and a monster, they had to be the ‘strongest’ of all of them.

            February, 2016.

“You have something in you these guys don’t,” he said, pouring whiskey into a glass. He slid it across the desk to Mal. Plum and Calico had already had their talks with Harcourt. Mal only glanced once at the glass, her expression indifferent.

The roots of her hair were showing black again.

“You had to grow a toughness, didn’t you?” Harcourt smiled. He pushed forward the glass again and Mal ignored it once more. “It’s no secret the Isle’s no walk in the park.”

“And Plum?”

“What about him?”

She frowned. “What makes him special?”

Harcourt chuckled. “Mal, honestly, get that look off your face, you make it look like I’m interrogating you or something.”

“If that’s not what you’re doing, then what else?”

He got up from his chair and walked around to sit on the seat next to her, propping up his elbow on the armrest and leaning his cheek against his hand. “Just…trying to compliment you. You three. And you ask what makes Plum so special. Well, aside from the fact that you can shoot thirty rounds on him and he won’t feel a thing…you still grow something tough if you’re a little different from everyone else. People see him as a monster. I see how the other guys are,” he glanced at the windows of his office. “They’re scared of him. They let him walk into the den first because they know he’ll come out alive. Well, by alive, I mean --”

"He’s only doing that because you told him to.”

“Always switched on, aren’t you? That’s what I love about you.”

“I’m flattered.”

“Tell you what. You want a bigger role? I’ll give you a bigger role. And a big raise, too.”

She furrowed her eyes. “…I don’t know what other role you expect of me. I can’t do what the guys do, you already have a human battering ram with Hank.”

“We’ll think of something. Can’t have my favourite girl sitting on the bench all the time.”

Mal did not like being Harcourt’s ‘favourite girl’. Over the first two months of her working with the Fox Court, she had seen what happened to the members he chose as his ‘favourites’. One disappointing job, and no one would hear from them again. Even worse were the magic-users and extra-normal members that seemed to come and go from the Fox Court.

She and Plum were the ones who lasted the longest, even though she had not yet revealed herself as capable of doing magic. Only Plum knew. Mal used her magic to close up bullet-holes or stick his arm back in its socket, which everyone else pinned to him being a magical zombie. 

The others liked using Plum as their entertainment: the guy who could drink a hundred beers and feel nothing, the guy who could be set on fire and feel nothing, the guy they could leave alone and feel nothing.

Calico didn’t bother with the others. He would sit with Mal and Plum wherever they went, but didn’t engage in much conversation. He wouldn’t bully Plum, but he didn’t stop anyone either. The bullies were the ones higher up in rank in the Fox Court. Calico understood that the wrong move or the wrong look could send him packing. And given that he knew so much about the operation already, anyone ‘sent packing’ didn’t leave in the same state they arrived.

It didn’t help that Plum wanted to be among those in the higher ranks. He invited himself to trips to the bar, and volunteered for as many jobs as possible.

            Early March, 2016.

Mal focused her magic on the burnt skin of Plum’s arm, watching the skin grow back to its normal, cold, blue-toned state. She was going slow for her own sake, already feeling a migraine coming on, but she kept herself focused. There was already a scarf over her nose to guard from the smell, but the sight was still horrifying. Her hair was tied back. She had re-dyed it purple.

“It’s brighter,” Plum noted, glancing at her hair.

She scoffed. “It’s the wrong shade.”

“I like it.”

“If I hurry this up, are you going to stop talking?”

Plum fell silent, but his lips twitched like he was itching to say something. When she had finished the first arm, he spoke up again. “Are you still mad at me?”

Mal frowned, picking up his other arm, the gold glow in her hands again as she began to heal him. “For doing the Clemenza job? Yes.”

“You know, that was triple the pay than last time. At this rate, we’ll have enough money to book two rooms at that resort in Arendelle we saw on TV. Just in time for your birthday.”

She kept her gaze down at his arm, but her expression darkened. “If you’re doing this for my stupid birthday –”

“Okay, not your birthday, something sooner – when are your siblings coming?”

“I told you about my family so we wouldn’t talk about them again.”

“But I know little sisters. And if I had a little sister, I know she’d love something sparkly for when she gets here. To show her the true wonder of Auradon.”

“A sparkly thing for my sister isn’t worth you almost burning to a crisp.”

“But I didn’t feel anything –”

Her head snapped up and her eyes were glowing bright-green. “That’s not the point. You can’t keep doing this to yourself.”

Plum’s brow creased and he slipped his arm out of Mal’s grasp. “I can’t keep doing this to myself? What about you? Harry’s favourite girl? If you can’t think of something quick, you know he’s going to kick you out. And you can forget about me taking care of myself if that happens.” He paused, lowering his head to gather himself before he spoke again. Mal had already stood up, sitting on her cot on the other side of the room. Plum looked down at the remaining burns on his arm. “...Calico’s great, but his stories aren’t as good as yours. I just can’t think of what else you could do. That’s what I hate.”

“We already know what I won’t do. I’m not going to be the one to pick up marks in bars. I’m not going to hurt people when I have no reason to–”

“Oh, that’s right. ‘Cause all your sadistic urges are satisfied when you cause pain for a good reason.”

“Shut up.”

“Mal. You’re great. But having a good eye isn’t gonna be enough to make you stay. I do what I do to make sure I stick around. Just remember the goals.” He lay down on his cot, staring up at the ceiling. “When you’ve got your operation going, be sure to give me a job, okay?”

She took a few seconds to respond, by which time Plum had already turned away from her to face the wall. Mal gave a defeated sigh. “Our goals. And, yeah. You’ll be the bartender at the club.” She heard him snigger, and she rolled her eyes, reciting the dream the two of them had memorised: “Plum the Bartender, Cal the Bouncer, Hank the Tank…”

“And Mal the Fairy Godmother.”

 NOTES/RECAP

rip i’ve been wanting to write this for a while, bc i’m always changing my mind at exactly how mal got her start. 

previously established things:

she started ‘blacktower’ when the rp started so that’s like mid-september, and she began planning for the club at the start of this year. 

she did research and preparations for the club and the operation way before that. 

blacktower’s operations started before the club even opened (presumably this year too).

she got money somehow (in my head i’m like ‘she probably just stole a bunch of money’ but like nah fam lets make it dramatic and emo bc i live for this)

she met hank in auroria. 

RECAP AND RANTING SORTA:

mal doesn’t waste time!! girl knows what she wants and has a very clear vision for it (which is presenting a problem right now in the present bc she’s sorta achieved her first goals and now she’s like what do)

she straight up performed a huge and painful feat of magic (hiding her wings) her first day here and the consequence was basically exhaustion for two days. 

SHE CALLED HERSELF ‘MAL BERTHA’ AND DYED HER HAIR PURPLE to protect her identity and also i guess so she could have a bit of fun with a different persona (and also bc i live for shout-outs to the original mal)

in auroria, she began working for a tiny gang called the FOX COURT, which is basically just the worst type of youths doing whatever they can to get money and having no problem inflicting pain to do it

fox court members: harcourt (asshole leader), plum (cinnamon roll zombie), and calico (emo son). ALSO HANK IS HERE.

mal has a problem inflicting pain unless she has a good reason. which isn’t to say she hasn’t inflicted pain at all. she’s made a lot of mistakes in the past. part of her whole ‘being stoic’ thing here is so that she doesn’t want to make mistakes. she doesn’t want to make friends and then ruin it somehow, like she did with UMA and others on the isle.

mal’s main job with the fox court was as ‘scout’ (she had to check out places before the rest of the team went, count the guards, the security cameras, stakeout the place basically) and ‘look-out’ (she would stay outside and warn them if anyone was coming, especially the police).

her friend was plum who is a kid from the land of the dead and meant to be mrs plum’s son. so he’s a dead boy who had nowhere else to go and was basically roped into the fox court by people, and he allowed himself to be used by people so that he would be allowed to stay.  

plum was the only person she spoke about her goals to, and the one she told her identity to. they had both decided that hank and calico could be trusted (though never talked with them about the goals). 

the goals: to get enough money to leave, to spend mal’s december birthday in the arendelle resort, and to start their club and own organisation. they both agreed that they would only do enough dirty work to make money, but they would focus on helping out isle kids and the ‘different’ kids (whether that be because they were undead, looked different, or for any other reason).

mal is harcourt’s ‘favourite girl’ which is...not good. but nothing’s happened yet, and mal is ready to kill a bitch if he wasn’t her employer.

harcourt had given mal an ultimatum: she had to step up and do more work, or be asked to leave. and being asked to leave wasn’t just a simple ‘goodbye’ either (people who leave are usually left injured in some way, or their families/close friends are threatened).

plum jokes that mal is the ‘fairy godmother’ because of what she had said about aurora once believing maleficent was her fairy godmother. he also points out that any magic she’s used so far has been good. mal doesn’t like it when he points that out.

ALSO SHE’S ??? 17 YEARS OLD IN THIS SELF-PARA. i figured out her birthday, it’s gonna be december 20 so she’ll be turning 19 now.

SO THE NEXT PART SHOULD BE UP SOON. IDK WHEN BUT SOON. IF ANYTHING’S CONFUSING PLS HMU this doesn’t really ??? affect any current plots (maybe) but i like exploring bACKGROUNDS SO YE

[heartbreaker-johnny]

Kinkmas Day 6- Ten Gags

Warning- flogging, ice play (kinda not really🤷🏻‍♀️)

A/N: unpopular opinion-I don’t think Ten is a super sexual person. I think he could be kinky or totally vanilla but only in private. Like super private. Also sorry this is short and not much going on, gags aren’t my thing and I’m very tired and in a lot of pain.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ten pushed you into his bed room, locking the door behind him. Jungwoo was sure to be annoyed that he couldn’t get into his room, but Ten didn’t care. You had crossed a line and you needed to be dealt with.

“Did you really think I didn’t notice how flirty you were with Yuta?” He asked you, backing you up to the bed.

“It was more him flirting with me.” You said, almost rolling your eyes.

“Don’t get sassy with me Y/N. Yuta will get his later. But you were clearly enjoying his flirting so don’t think you’re gonna be spared a punishment.” He glared at you.

It was true, you did enjoy Yuta’s flirting. Yes, Yuta flirted with everyone, it was his personality. But it was still nice to have that kind of attention again. Ten didn’t flirt with you like that anymore. Sure he gave you dirty talk in the bedroom or when he was in the mood, but that was it. You still wanted to be chased and Ten just didn’t seem interested in chasing anymore. You knew he still loved you, but he didn’t show it like he used to. Was he bored of you? Were you supposed to chase him? You weren’t sure what to do anymore. So when Yuta had initiated the flirting, you just went with it, curious if that was what you were really craving in your relationship.

Ten went to his dresser and pulled open the top drawer. He pulled out a paisley bandanna and his favorite (we’ll only) flogger. It wasn’t something that was used often, you weren’t the biggest fan of pain. In fact, you were kind of a baby about it. Your pain tolerance was low and you could handle small doses. But the flogger? You hated it. Ten only brought it out when you seriously fucked up. He hated fighting and arguing and this was how he got his feelings across.

“Ten,” You said when you saw the leather piece. “Did it really hurt you that bad?”

Your heart fell to your stomach and you felt like throwing up.

“Seeing you flirt with another man? Yes. Especially Yuta. I know you can do better than me so to see someone who can give more than me, not only trying to take what’s mine but to have what’s mine reciprocated that? It’s heart-wrenching.” He said honestly.

Seeing Ten so honest and vulnerable and angry brought tears to your eyes. You really weren’t trying to get a rise out of him. You just weren’t sure what you wanted and you needed to figure it out. Yes, you had figured out that you did need that flirtation from Ten, but you didn’t want him to think you didn’t love him anymore. It had all blown up in your face and now you had to fix it.

You walked over to him and wrapped your arms around him.

“I’m so sorry you felt that way. I didn’t mean for you to feel like that. I just...you don’t flirt with me anymore and I just wanted to see if I really did miss the chase or if it was all in my head.” You explained to him.

He swallowed hard before looking down.

“And what did you find out?”

“I do miss when you flirt with me. I think we’ve both gotten so comfortable where we are that we just kinda got out of it. It’s a nice boost of confidence to be flirted with, at least for me. It shows you aren’t bored of me. I’m sure I’m not making sense but I’m not sure how else to describe it.” You said, biting your lip, upset with yourself.

“You’re right though.” Ten said, looking up at you. “I have been slacking lately. I guess I just thought stuff was pointless now. But I get where you’re coming from. I’ll do better.”

“And I’ll do better at communicating my needs.” You agreed.

He leaned in and pressed a soft, sweet kiss to your lips. He pulled back, giving you a deadly smirk.

“You’re still getting punished babygirl.” He told you.

You took a deep breath, but nodded.

“That’s fair.” You said. “But does it have to be the flogger?”

“You hurt me pretty bad babygirl. You know the rules.” He said, giving you the same look a parent would give a child when asking them to use their manners.

You nodded, accepting your fate willingly.

“Strip baby. Leave your bra and panties on, then get on the bed.” He commanded, riding himself of his shirt.

You did as you were told, leaving yourself in a baby pink bra and panties set. You looked over your shoulder to see Ten had stripped down to his briefs and was coming over to you. He leaned over you and put the bandana to your mouth.

“Bite down on this. I know you hate the pain. Besides, we don’t want the boys to hear you now do we?”

He slipped the bandana in your mouth, tying it in the back, making sure it wasn’t too tight. You closed your eyes and prepared yourself for what was to come.

“Since you can’t speak I won’t make you count out loud. We’ll do five this time, since we talked everything out. Next time I might not be so nice baby, remember that.”

You nodded, closing your eyes and bracing yourself.

The flogger landed on your ass, making you bite into the bandana. Your ass stung and had you not been gagged you would have yelped. When the flogger bit your ass the second time, you did let out a whine. You could feel your skin heat up and you knew there was already a red mark. When it hit the third time, the tears hit your eyes.

You weren’t sure exactly why this sort of thing got Ten off, maybe he some sort of chemical imbalance that made pain pleasure for him. Whatever it was, it was part who he was and if you had to get spanked and flogged every now and then, so be it. You loved Ten and you would do whatever it took to be with him.

The fourth hit was softer than the first three. It still hurt like a bitch but you didn’t wince. When the final hit landed, you hardly noticed. Your ass was pretty much numb at this point and to be honest, you wouldn’t have noticed if he had hit you with anything else other than the flogger.

When your punishment was over, you collapsed on the bed facedown, spitting the gag out of your mouth. You heard the bedroom door open, then close. You didn’t even care that Ten had left the room, you just wanted the stinging in your flesh to stop. The pain pulled through your ass and you concentrated on relaxing, trying to get over it. The door opened and closed once again, you assumed he came back. A few seconds later you were met with an ice cold feeling on your ass. You jumped the touch, looking behind you to see Ten holding an ice pack to your ass.

“Sorry babe. Just try to relax for a bit.” He said, rubbing soothing circles into your lower back.

The ice pack rubbed against your panties making you whine and the uncomfortable feeling.

“Can you take my panties off? The lace hurts.” You asked him.

“Of course babe.” He removed the ice pack and slowly and carefully discarded your panties. You looked over at him to see him look at your panties, then chuckle a bit.

“What?” You asked, confused.

“Your panties are damp baby.” He smirked at me. “Did your punishment turn you on?”

You hadn’t realized it much but you had felt a wetness between your thighs. Whether it was because you found Ten so hot when he was angry or because you liked the pain, which you was already unsure how you felt about it, you wasn’t sure.

Ten came back to me, leaned in and ran a finger up your slit. You gasped, not prepared for his action.

He chuckled again, shaking his head.

“Just as I thought. You’re soaked.”

You were??

“I thought you didn’t like the pain baby? You been holding out on me?”

“I...I don’t know,” you said honestly, so confused.

“Well. I suppose that’s a conversation for a later time. You handle your punishment well. I think I’ll reward you for being such a good girl.”

He ran his finger through your slit again, making you lightly moan at the contact. He repeated the action a few more times before ever so slowly, inserting a finger in you. He took his other hand and placed the ice pack back on your ass. The feeling of the ice and Ten’s finger inside you were both so intense together you were finding yourself breathing heavy already. He inserted another finger before moving them both slowly.

“Gosh baby, you’re so tight and wet. How can you still be this tight after I fuck you so hard?” He asked, almost genuinely baffled.

“Please Ten,” You whimpered.

You didn’t want him to take his time. His touch alone took you from 0 to 100 and you wanted to get off NOW. That and, you just wanted to put numbing cream on your ass so you could sleep.

“You’re right baby, now cruel of me. Let me take care of that wetness for you.”

He pumped his fingers fast and hard, scissoring them every few thrusts. You moaned out at his speed, not expecting so much so soon. You marveled the feeling though. It felt so good to feel such pleasure after feeling pain. Was that why Ten liked it so much? Was the pleasure really better after pain? You weren’t sure. All you knew was his fingers felt like heaven and you were already so close.

His thumb came up and rubbed your clit in sync with his fingers, making you moan out even louder. He leaned down and kissed his way from your lower back down to the cheek he hadn’t flogged. He took his chance to make his mark on your skin, sucking a deep hickey onto your cheek, making you groan at the feeling.

Your stomach tightened and you could feel that it wouldn’t take much more to make you come undone.

“Please, Ten please don’t stop.” You begged him, pushing your ass back to meet his thrusts.

He laughed a little at you and slipped on another finger. He curled his fingers inside you, hitting that one spot that had you seeing stars. You moaned out, crying his name like a prayer, cumming all over his fingers. He pumped his fingers a few more times, helping you come down from your high, before taking them out and licking them clean.

“How was that baby? Feeling better?” He teased me.

“So much better.” You panted. “My ass still hurts though.”

“I know. Let’s leave the ice pack on for a little longer and then I’ll get the numbing cream. It shouldn’t leave a bruise, I didn’t want to.” He said, trailing his fingers down your spine.

“Ten?”

“Yeah?”

“After my ass stops tingling, can we have proper make up sex? I want to feel you properly.”

He laughed at your confession.

“Sure baby. I’d be glad to pound you out like you deserve.” He winked at you.

“If you’re done torturing your girlfriend, can I come in my room?” Jungwoo called from outside the door.

You both laughed before Ten put a blanket over you and getting up to let in his grumpy roommate.

[destressjournal]

DCOM rankings #88: Frienemies

Here we go! Here’s another fun review about a terrible DCOM, I honestly don’t mind writing these as much as okay DCOMS that have more potential. This movie, however, had 0 potential to be any better than it was. But we will get into that. (Fair warning this review is going to be mostly negative and I’ll do the positives at the very end).

Now, I’ve seen the trailers for this when it was gonna come out. I don’t think I was watching any shows on Disney channel at this point. Maybe 1 if wizards was still on. But the channel would be on our tv occasionally. Anyway, the trailers gave a big indication as to how this movie would go and I knew from the get go that it was going to be cringey. And guess what? I was 100% correct. This was THE cringiest “modern” DCOM I’ve seen so far.

It reminds me of those direct to video Disney sequels where it tells 3 separate stories and they just pile them up into a 1.5 hour film? Already from the start I don’t like those kinds of movies, although if I was a lot younger I probably would have liked it because I loved Cinderella 2 as a kid. (I’ve never seen Cinderella 3 and I know I need to watch it so get off my back). But as I got older the 3 separate story movie is just ehhhh. I personally don’t like it. It breaks everything up and it’s not all cohesive and you have to start from square 1 at every segment. Learning the characters,trying to figure out that’s going on, stuff like that. No, I like one big story. Thank you very much!

So that was basically the main reason why the movie failed for me. It was that 3-story format. Many of the other flaws the movie has stemmed from that format.

BUT I think what I’ll do is go through each segment and just review it that way I guess?

Okay the first segment. That one was by far the worst one. I understand that you CAN have a pet as a best friend, that’s fine. What made this movie the cringiest thing on the planet was that they humanized the dog to a very high degree. Like, as if Murray could understand and respond in conversations, read, and perform complex tasks that require extreme long-term training. Like, I get that in kids movies with dogs in them, they do humanize the dogs a little to be more interesting as a character. But this went so far as to suggest that Jake and Murray were “in a fight” like how friends are in a fight or not speaking to each other. As if Murray knows that. And how Jake and Murray have “conversations” and others at school are like “but he is your best friend, why would he want to hurt you”, Sorry in the context of the movie it was just so cringey. You can have humanized personalities for dogs in movies, but these folks are really taking it a step too far.

The rest of the segment was eh. The popular girl is just the stereotype with 0 unique personality, and the skater girl was okay ish, probably the best character in that whole segment. But that’s not saying a whole lot.

The middle segment is really the main one, and it stars zendaya and I forget the other girls name....whoops. So this was probably the most interesting one out of the three, and definitely had the most time and effort being put into it. Again, it’s not saying a whole lot. It’s the classic “girls have the opportunity of a lifetime but oh noooo there’s only one spot available, now they have to compete” plot. Cheetah girls 3 anyone?? And I’m sure other movies and tv episodes have done this before as well.

Also, It’s so unbelievably crazy to me how an online magazine made up by middle/high school girls would get picked up by a major company in NYC. But I mean we’re definitely not going for realism in this movie based on the plots of the 3 segments. It’s FINE if you want to bend the rules a bit but this movie just tips the scale a LITTLE to much for my personal taste. Does it mean I have no imagination??? Probably lol. Anyway, this segment was really only cringey in the story concept and the over the top acting. But how things moved along in the plot wasn’t that bad. It kept my attention, sort of. I will give it that.

I guess this is as good of a time as any to talk about how they strung these three stories together. It was basically just the two friends from the middle segment narrating the story and them just kind of inserting themselves in the other two stories....it was really really awkward when they just pop in and comment on what’s going on and then they just leave....and then at the end when they coordinate the dance number out of nowhere....yikes yikes YIKES. But I’ll get more into that in a second.

Second’s up! So the last segment was just “the parent trap”. At least the first two segments were sort of original. The last one was just the parent trap! Well some things were different but the things that were different, I’ve also seen in other shows. Lots of cartoons have a “body switch” episode where the two main characters are fighting thinking that the other has it so much better so they agree to switch places for a day/week and then realize the other one doesn’t have it easy and they understand each other better. Yeah. It’s literally that except it ends in a random dance party....I WILL say though, that the song at the end wasn’t that bad!

So yeah, the actress who plays Savannah/Emma has a terrible English accent, like you guys aren’t in England you don’t HAVE to have an English accent to be considered “rich” that’s so stereotypical I don’t even know where to start. Like just the rich family in general, the dad, “what’s a taco?” Seriously? You’ve been living on this planet 40+ years and you’ve never even HEARD of a taco??. It’s so cringeyyyy... and the conflict between the two girls also just comes out of nowhere and in 1.5 seconds.

This is why I don’t like the three separate story arcs because there’s not enough time for normal conflict to build up and not enough time for me to care about the characters. I get that they tried to fix this by having all the main characters be a part of all the segments so it kind of FEELS like one whole movie. But it doesn’t work when the characters who don’t star in that particular segment aren’t really adding anything to the story.

All in all, most of it was just cringe as hell, and the parts that weren’t cringey were just kinda boring. It’s still not the worst DCOM I’ve ever seen, but it’s definitely the worst of the modern ones so far, even below Den Brother. This deserves a C level, and a C- at that. I really hope I’m not alone in my opinion.

I think this was the point in that Disney channel was really trying to cater to their main demographic which was child-tween girls. So they create shows like shake it up, good luck Charlie, liv and Maddie, and other content like this DCOM that stars teen girls. And when Disney stops catering to people of all genders/backgrounds. It stops being good. It’s gotten better over the years I think, especially with their animated series. But now that Disney channel is kind of obselete now and it’s way out, there’s not much room for it to get better or worse. Maybe one day we’ll go back to cable after people realize we can’t have 30+ streaming services.

Sorry, weird tangent. This movie is bad but not the worst. Either way, I will never watch it again. Not willingly anyway.

So the next movie is actually not on Disney plus BUT I found most of it on YouTube so I’m gonna try to watch as much as I can before it gets taken down. If it gets taken down I’ll just skip it and move into the next one. Wish me luck!!

[mycasandstarrs]

SPN 4x21: “When the Levee Breaks”

Better go find a nearby cliff to jump off of after I finish watching this episode.

Red light on Sam v white light on Dean. Nice.

This is denial at it’s finest.

(Very irrelevant question here, but how did they make it so Sam couldn’t just open the door from the inside?)

Sam completely forgot that the panic room could ward off ghosts, hence this wouldn’t be possible...

Part 1: Alastair.

I’m not meta-intelligent enough to figure out why he would appear as one of Sam’s hallucinations.

Bobby!! omg, I missed him so much.

“Suck dirt and die, Rufus.” lmao

Rufus probably telling Bobby to check out the news.

Part 2: Younger Sammy

Facing your younger self after becoming something you never wanted to be is very difficult.

If I had to face Younger Me, I’d be afraid of it going about as “well” as this.

Seals are breaking left and right.

“Where the hell are your angel pals?” More like angle “pal”...well actually, it’d still be plural because of Cas *and* Anna.

Bobby suggesting they let Sam use his powers to stop Lilith, oh dear.

“I love that boy like a son. All I’m saying is maybe he’s here right now instead of on the battlefield because we love him too much.” *cries*

Sam is really going through it.

Part 3: Mary.

So she’s the “if she did a terrible/shady decision, in the name of saving a loved one, so can I.” part of Sam.

I h i g h l y doubt real!Mary would react like this??

Sam is just feeding himself lies, good lord.

(Sam’s interpretation of Mary always somehow leans to “you’re my favorite son, not Dean.”)

Dean and Cas time?

Dean and Cas time!!!

He’d been praying for 2 and a half hours!! And it shows, good lord his voice is hoarse.

“Well, nothing of import.” lmao. I gotta start saying that.

There’s an urgency in Cas’ “I can’t”, and it's the most genuine he’s been so far.

“Consuming the amount of blood it would take to kill Lilith would change your brother forever. Most likely, he would become the next creature that you would feel compelled to kill.” g o d n o.

“There’s no reason this would have to come to pass, Dean.” I’m just now noticing how...lowkey manipulative that sounds. Cas is playing Dean’s biggest card: protecting Sam.

“We believe it’s you, Dean, not your brother.”

“You are the one who will stop it.”

(I’ve seen too many movies/read too many stories to know if someone is told that they’re the “only one”, it’s most likely bull.)

Dean willing to bear the full responsibility of preventing the Apocalypse just so Sam can be protected.

“God, you’re a dick these days.” “these days” So in the past days, he was getting better?

Cas looks like he’s screaming internally at Dean to NOT DO THIS.

The camera stays on Cas and Dean just...looking at each other for 11 seconds. I fucking counted it.

“Correct me if I’m wrong, but you willingly signed up to be the angels’ bitch? I’m sorry. You prefer ‘sucker’?” lmao I love Bobby.

“Shady politicians from planet Vulcan.” That’s actually a great description of most angels (minus Cas, of course.)

0 to 100 real fucking quick.

Dean being so affected by seeing Sam in pain, that he zoned out and Bobby had to snap him out of it.

Part 4: Dean.

The brother Sam failed.

The conversation Bobby and Dean are having is breaking my damn heart, and we’re not even at the most brutal part of the episode.

Hallucination!Dean calling Sam a monster.

Real Dean willing to die for Sam again as long as Sam can stay human.

Of all his hallucinations, Sam is most affected by Dean.

I was beginning to question how Sam even got out of there...and now I’m being shown.

C A S W H Y

Awww at Bobby and Dean sleeping. The one moment of peace they get in the episode.

Cas actually looks guilty.

At least Cas’ first words to Anna were a fair (albeit vague) warning.

Anna is just shaming him, lol.

:( Anna’s been caught.

See you next season, Anna.

AAnnndd now Cas feels even more like shit.

I love how Bobby opted for a shotgun, bc it wouldn’t necessarily kill Sam (it’d just hurt very much). And he STILL can’t hurt Sam.

Sam becoming his own version of the “shoot me” vine in the saddest way possible.

We have back to back moments of Team Free Will members doing something terrible and feeling more like shit than they already do.

Did Sam take the Impala? How long was Bobby out there before either Dean woke up to the sound of the car and went outside to investigate or Bobby woke up on his own and ran inside to alert Dean of what happened.

Fuck yeah, Dean, go kill Ruby please. (Even though i know you won’t yet but still.)

So did Sam keep hallucinating or did they end with Dean?

(Also, I was convinced that Ruby withheld demon blood on purpose. Any other time Sam has called Ruby to come to him, she’s there almost immediately. But the time that Sam urgently needs her, she stays away...but then I thought that maybe she did arrive to Sam’s location, and saw that he was with Dean and didn’t dare approach. She might’ve followed Sam throughout that entire episode and found that there was never a window of opportunity to approach him, without risk of getting caught. Then Sam got taken to Bobby’s and it was game over for her, so she had to lie low until she heard from Sam again.)

Ah ok, so my attempt at explaining unseen things kinda went out the window: Ruby was looking for Lilith the whole time, aka three weeks.

(Which would actually kinda confirm my half suspicion that she purposely withheld blood from Sam. Ruby’s so manipulative, there’s no way of telling what’s true until it’s too late.)

“I’m sorry you’re hurting. Really.” Ooohhhh, what a manipulation.

Ruby’s tone and micro-expression when she says “I mean, he knows you better than anyone.” seem to suggest that she wanted Sam to say she knows him better.

Oh, don’t pretend to feel sad about Sam and Dean falling out.

It’s so sick and twisted that Ruby got Sam addicted to her blood. She was most likely the first demon he drank blood from.

Dean knows Sam so well, even when Sam is trying his hardest to throw him off.

Oh, they definitely had sex again.

Ruby does a good job hiding her excitement at getting closer to the final seal, everything she’s been working for.

Lilith’s personal chef.

NO ONE IN THEIR NORMAL MIND WOULD CALL A BABY “DELICIOUS”

How many times did Ruby have to tell Sam that it was “okay” to drink demon blood before he could do it?

YOU ARE NOT SORRY, STOP LYING.

“When this is all over, I hope we can fix things.”

Ruby looks...unhappy about Sam still wanting to patch things up with Dean. Like, she almost fully has him, but there’s one strand still attached to Dean and she wants to cut it.

“It’s gotta be about  bringing him back, not pushing him away.” Yeah, let’s see how long that lasts until it goes to shit.

Bobby is everything as a father than John never was.

OOHHH KILL HER DEAN (even tho I know it won’t happen in this episode but stillll)

Damn it, Sam.

I feel like Dean had genuine intentions to just talk to Sam...but then he saw Ruby, the one responsible for Sam’s demon blood addiction, and just completely threw it out of the window.

That, and the fact that Sam let Ruby go.

OOHHH Dean is confirming my half suspicion about Ruby purposely holding out demon blood from Sam.

Ahhh ok. Sam just tossed aside Ruby’s knife so they could talk, hence how Dean has possession of it in the next episode.

Sam playing the “team work” card at Dean.

Sam and Dean’s “I’m the one who’s gonna stop Lilith” “no, it’s me!” discussion. 

How come Sam and Dean didn’t question the fact that they were being told by the opposite ends of the spectrum that they were the “one”? (Actually, I can answer my own question: they were to busy worrying about each other and justifying making their decision as doing it for the other brother to protect them, etc...)

Sam pulls the “Dean’s not strong enough” to DEAN HIMSELF. I now realize this is Sam's “good reason” for doing the shit he’s been doing, but it comes off so terrible and disrespectful and flat out ignorant.

That little moment where Sam almost loses his temper on Dean, then catches himself and is honestly so scary.

I understand Sam’s need to be independent, make his own choices, and to have Dean trust him as much as he trusts Dean. I sympathize with Sam wanting to lead every now and then...but not like this, Sam.Would anyone trust a strung out addict that is being manipulated and puppeted by an untrustworthy person (demon, in this case)?

Oh god no, here it comes.

Dean pls. Dean you don’t hAVE TO NOOOOOOOOOOOO

That shot of Sam as we see him as a potential monster...he’s almost unrecognizable.

And with that, the Winchester blow out fight begins.

JESUS CHRIST SAM NOOOO

LOOK, AT WORST I LIKE TO THINK DEAN WAS JUST GONNA BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF SAM ENOUGH TO KNOCK HIM OUT THEN DRAG HIS ASS BACK TO BOBBY’S

BUT SAM ACTUALLY ALMOST WENT IN FOR THE KILL, JESUS

“You don’t know me. You never did, and you never will.”

“You walk out that door, don’t you ever come back.”

Friendly reminder that if Cas hadn’t interfered and told Dean the truth, and if Cas hadn’t sacrificed his life to get Dean to Sam, that could have been Sam and Dean’s last interaction, period.

[league-of-light]

Rank & Furious 6

Howdy everybody. We’ve got quite possibly the most heartfelt, thought out, and artistic content for you this week.  Dylan wrote a ton, and for me to have written anymore would have left us with far too much reading to do this week.  Instead, I’ll pop in/piggyback wherever I feel necessary with this italicized text.  For those who don’t know, around these parts we have some big Fast and Furious fans.  If you haven’t seen the movies, fix that.  But also if you haven’t seen them, you may find yourself scratching your head at this week’s rankings.  That’s ok, just know they are content. I’ll do my best to provide a normie version of content for you people. If you have seen the movies, please enjoy a Fast and Furiousified version of the Week 6 Power Rankings. ___________________________________________________ For those who haven't heard, Tyrese, The Rock, and Jason Statham have been involved in a squabble that should have broken my heart. But then I realized I was happy that the series had fallen apart. My apathy for the situation confused me, and I decided to examine why this was the case. Maybe Bowers was right, and I was really just a feudster at heart and liked seeing the feud. But I would never have wanted to hear about Paul Walker and Sung Kang feuding, so it couldn’t be that. Maybe I’ve just gotten tired of the Rock, with his bad movies and bad politics. But no, because honestly, I’m still excited when I watch him in Fast Five. Then it hit me. I’m just happy because really, the series is already over. Fate of the Furious started a new series of movies (one that frankly doesn’t seem to be very good). And with the problems the previously tightknit cast now appears to be having, it just makes it easier to move on. With that being said, these power rankings are in honor of the greatest movie franchise of all time, now fracturing in front of the world. Think of them like one of those Buzzfeed quizzes where you see which character you are, but instead, it’s about your teams, and we just give you the answer. Fate of the Furious will be included, because it’s the only way for me to convey how bad some of our lower ranked teams are. Contains spoilers for all 8 movies. Keep fighting the good fight Tyrese! 5 > 1 = 7 > 6 > 3 > 4 > 2.*

*Editor’s note - this is a god damn lie.  Ranking 2 Fast 2 Furious below Tokyo Drift is actually a war crime, and you should be tried/hung for your crimes.  Except Dylan is already hung, if you know what I’m sayin ;) ;) 8==D But seriously, Tokyo Drift is horrible. It’s the worst Fast and Furious movie.  It might be a fine movie on in a vacuum, but it carries the Fast and Furious title, and it’s a horrible Fast and Furious movie.  Except for the Teriyaki Boyz (work warning: that link plays some dank music). That’s some good shit.

Honorable Mentions

Matt Barry – The FBI agent in 2 Fast 2 Furious played by Dexter’s dad from Dexter

JTG – The black FBI agent in in The Fast and the Furious and 2 Fast 2 Furious

Smoochie – Johnny Tran, looking for fights over slights both real and perceived

Danny – Dom, if he was obsessed with jury duty, spoiled movies, and was never broken out of prison after Fast and Furious (note: This is my bad excuse for not calling anyone Dom because I couldn’t pick anyone)**

**Even with the ridiculous qualifiers/modifications/whatever you wanna call them, this is literally the hottest take I have ever read in my life.  

Tom – Vince (I 100% stand by this and will not be convinced otherwise)

Nobody – Tej, which just shows how ridiculous he is. He goes from pretty good mechanic who organizes races to elite hacker who can also create incredible gadgets out of nowhere with 0 training. It’s so ridiculous that I can’t even compare it to anyone in the league.

The Fucking Losers (managed by Everett Sobel)

Fast and Furious Character – Leon

Most people forget Leon exists. But he was part of the original crew. Dom’s crew in the first movie wasn’t just Dom, Vince, Letty, and Jesse; Leon was out there with them, robbing trucks and presumably doing other stuff while not robbing trucks. What happened to him? Who knows. He probably got arrested after the whole thing happened, or is in hiding. But wherever Leon is, and wherever Everett is, I hope he’s happy and I miss him. It’s been a long league without you my friend.***

***Dylan says “wherever Everett is” but we know where Everett is, he’s inside all of our hearts. 

12.  The Memes of Production (1-4, last week #11)

Fast and Furious Character – Deckard Shaw

When I first saw Jason Statham in mid-credits scene in Fast & Furious 6, I wasn’t happy. The 6th movie was already a bit underwhelming coming on the heels of Fast Five, and when I saw him, I thought he was just going to ruin the franchise. Then Furious 7 came out, and it was terrific. In my opinion, it was either the 2nd or 3rd best movie in the series. Then, Fate of the Furious came out, and he was part of the reason that it wasn’t good. And now the spinoff with The Rock is happening, and it’s confirmed, he did ruin the series.

Andy’s team looked terrible in Week 1, the worst in the league. Then they looked terrific in week 2, and I thought they could move up towards the top 4. Ever since, they’ve looked terrible again, and it looks like my initial thought there was unfortunately the right one.

If I don’t type text here, there will be a weird gap between Andy and Arielle, so just ignore this. There’s already probably a weird gap between this text and Andy’s gif.  Tumblr is a pain in the ass.

11. Team Calm Down Will (2-3, last week 10)

Fast and Furious Character – Elena

Elena is awesome, but she just can’t catch a break. When she was a bit younger, she was married to a police officer who got killed in the line of duty (David Johnson). She tries to arrest Dom and his crew, but instead, falls in love with him, and all is well. Nothing can ruin her happiness… except for Dom’s ex-wife still being alive, Dom leaving to be with her, and all this while she’s apparently pregnant (RIP Greg Olsen in a 53.5 point Week 2). Things start looking up again, as Hobbs gives her a recommendation for a promotion and she gets used to being a single mom, but ultimately, just because she is associated with the wrong people (looking at you Blake Bortles), she meets a shocking, horrifying end.

Sorry Arielle, I really wanted to make a better gif for you.  Your team is abysmal so the least I could’ve done was given you the joy of a cool gif.  Unfortunately, Elena doesn’t have many good gifs online, so you’ll have to settle for this

10. Freaky Frogadier (1-4, last week #9)

Fast and Furious Character – Jesse

This team just tries to do too much. Swapping picks before the draft, then the first trade, then the second trade, then the third trade, and now rumor has it they’re looking for a 4th trade? They’re going a mile a minute, and their GM should probably be going to MIT or something, but they seem to have ADD. This week, with another loss and with Ben Roethlisberger admitting he can’t play anymore, they pretty much just got shot on their lawn by two guys in motorcycles. At least they’ll get to see Everett’s team in heaven.

Dylan I know you meant Fast and Furious Jesse, but you picked a character from an era before gifs even existed, so instead you have your face on top of Aaron Paul test driving a car.  Jesse Pinkman, Need for Speed, close enough.  Next time pick a better character for yourself and you’ll get a good gif

9. Chicken Winnigish (2-3, last week #7)

Fast and Furious Character – Sean Boswell

Team Evan has had a bunch of issues with injuries and lineups, but to be honest, most of them are self-inflected. He decided that he had to find Geoffrey, and because he focused on that instead of making a good team, he got kicked out of high school and sent to Tokyo. Things were looking a bit better when he won last week, but what was he left with? A not great looking girlfriend who is cool with dating people in the Yakuza, nowhere to live because he was kicked out of the house (FORESHADOWING???), and his friend still dead. The rest of this season will be like the rest of movies 4-8 were for Sean; maybe a small appearance in the win column, but mostly just nothing.

Before the haters come in and criticize my autistic artistic decision to make Evan Twinkie and not actually Sean Boswell, take a moment and just enjoy looking at Evan in that outfit.  You’re welcome. 

8. Caddyshack Name Incoming (1-4, last week #12)

Fast and Furious Character – Cipher

You hear that Charlize Theron is going to be in the new fast movie, and you think damn, she’s good looking and a great actor, she’s going to be great. Then you see the hair and… holy shit it’s terrible. And then her first couple of scenes are just god awful. Then she does have that scene where she kills Elena****, and it’s so ridiculous that you almost kind of think she’s an interesting character in an it’s so bad it’s good kind of way? This team’s Week 5 performance was that scene, as they won not because of Zeke, Evans, and Murray, but instead largely thanks to the Bengals D, Torrey Smith, and Justin Tucker. We’ll see if they go back to cratering like she did or if they can actually keep up the performance. Jason Witten at Flex might be their dreads.

****WOOOOOOOOOOOW, SOME OF US (me) HAVEN’T SEEN FAST8 YET.  This guy out here going full Danny.  Next you’re gonna tell us Laura Kinney is Logan’s daughter, and that they cloned his DNA. You’re a monster, Dylan.  

7. Confused Pandas (2-3, last week #7)

Fast and Furious Character – Gisele

Ok, the two women in the league both being female (ha, female, that’s funny) characters is not a great look. But it’s not my fault that they like to have their female characters get killed and both teams died with injuries to their 1st round picks. I started off not particularly liking this team and even saying it was mediocre, which I think is a fair way to describe Gisele in Fast and Furious. But then, Gisele throws up a 130.5 point performance in week 2, establishing herself as an awesome member of the team who you want to see succeed. And then, on the 2387 mile runway that is the Giants season, Gisele and Odell (IT EVEN RHYMES) both died, and people were too busy talking about other things (JJ Watt, the Giants 0-5 record, Dom surviving and walking through fire, where the fuck that runway even is) to really appreciate them like they should. This team is number 7, but also number 1.

Pew pew, bang bang, skeet skeet.

6. Phil Awoke My Sexuality (2-3, last week #4)

Fast and Furious Character - Han

And now the Asian is Han? Get your shit together Dylan. Han doesn’t have a great start in Tokyo Drift, considering he dies. But at least he’s intriguing. And then in Fast Five, you realize he’s really awesome. And then in Fast 6, he’s even awesomer. He might be my 4th favorite character (probably actually 5th, but you can talk me into it). Same with this team, which started off 0-2 with an impressive record and then had 2 big victories. But was this week the equivalent of Han mid-credits after Fast 6? This team had a chance for a big win against their division rival and lost. They have 2 QB’s, but if you have 2 QB’s you don’t really have one. I still really like this team, and I don’t think they’re dead, but they’ll need to figure something out to avoid Han’s fate.

Harnsowl I don’t need to explain this one for you, but I will happily testify as a witness if you want to prosecute Dylan for the racial profiling.

5. The Mayor of California (4-1, last week #6)

Fast and Furious Character – Hobbs

The good news: The Rock is the perfect non-leading guy for these movies. Brian and Dom do the emotional heavy lifting, Dom is usually battling the main guy, that leaves Rock “The Dwayne” Johnson to look really, really muscly, beat people up, and say thing varying from cool to corny while beating people up.

The bad news: He’s too good in this role for it to have continued forever, and Paul Walker dying significantly hastened the inevitable. He wasn’t good enough to be the de facto team leader in Fate of the Furious (it should have been Letty), and he won’t be good enough to have a spinoff.

This team is good. They’re 4-1, they’ve had some quality wins, and they have a decent amount of talent across the board.

Jason I don’t know if you’ve seen these movies, and it’s kind of hard to tell from this gif, but in case you haven’t seen it allow me to explain. In this scene, The Rock is literally flexing out of a cast.  I figured it was appropriate, especially when you consider Davante Adams’ recovery.

4. Walsh Me Nae Nae (3-2, last week #8)

Fast and Furious Character – Mr. Nobody

Walsh’s presence looms over the league even though we almost never see him. He was #2 in the league last year, and he looks good this year too. Nobody has jumped around more in my rankings, and we don’t really know anything about Mr. Nobody. And still, you feel like there’s something more to this team, and to Walsh. Whenever he says anything, people go nuts, and he just always seems to be around, influencing things more than we could even realize.

Walsh, there’s a solid chance this gif won’t load. I’ve already tried 3 or 4 times to make it work. It’s a 5.7 MB gif, which is beyond massive.  If not, I’ll post it in the group.  It’s way too many frames, and there’s a lot going on, just know I put some work into this one for you.

3. Watch Me Not TV (4-1)

Fast and Furious Character – Roman Pierce

First, let me say that teams 1-3 could realistically be in any order. Will is undefeated, Phil is the top scorer, and Nico is between the two in both. As for Nico, sure, there have been some questionable moments. He’s started Buck Allen a couple of times, he’s started multiple negative defenses, and there was the whole “Ejecto Dezzo Cuz” incident where he tried to trade Dez Bryant for one of those parallelepiped pink pencil erasers and the bottom part of a muffin. That and the fact that he’s one of our quieter chat members have made him fall under the radar a bit. But make no mistake, this team is a powerhouse that should not be underestimated. Kareem Hunt in the 5th was the best pick in the draft, Duke Johnson Jr is looking good again, and somehow, they just put up incredible performance after incredible performance. You don’t even realize they’re always winning and always coming out ahead, until they’re laughing at you and driving away your shit after you underestimated them. They ain’t hungry no more either.

If you enjoyed your gif this week, thank Dylan and Nico.  The second Dylan told me he was giving Nico Roman, I had to make the gif.  And then I couldn’t just give Nico a gif and nobody else, so the gifs were born.  

2. Primo Content (3-2)

Fast and Furious Character – DK

This team should dominate. But it’s not the first time we’ve thought that about Phil’s team. It looked like he was going to start running away with things in week 3, but he opened his mouth too soon, and then his team ended up losing. He looked like a lock for the playoffs last year, but again, he couldn’t shut then he ended up losing. Karma just kept coming back to kill him after premature bragging. There’s no way DK should lose to Sean, but then it happens. Is this the time that Phil finally gets past this and finds a way not to lose money on this league? Or will karma send him careening down a cliff while he loses to some random hick whose only living friend is named Twinkie? Only time will tell.

I wanted to give him Dom because Dom has become the worst character in the movies and screeches "family” like Phil screeches “content”.  I made the gif before Dylan told me DK, but that’s ok. DK sucks, Tokyo Drift sucks, this is an appropriate character for Phil.  

1. Blastoise Brigade (5-0)

Fast and Furious Character - Brian

This one’s a no brainer. As the undefeated team, they’re the heart and soul of this league. And they appeared ready to dominate it all year. And then, bam, out of nowhere, Dalvin Cook went off to raise his second kid and couldn’t be called back in even when his brother in law, the uncle and probably godfather to his children, became arguably the most wanted man in the world. I still have this team #1, but I don’t know how long that will last, as the early returns on Diggs without him are not promising. Good bye Dalvin. I’m watching this Monday Night Football game, and it’s going to be a long day without you my friend.

So why is this team ranked #1? Because like Brian, they understand Dom’s lesson. Ask any fantasy football player. Any real fantasy football player. It don’t matter if you win by an inch or a mile. Winning’s winning.

Whoops, this gif is super fast.  It’s called the Fast and Furious, and I’m furious this gif is so fast. Well, I’ve already closed Photoshop and don’t feel like remaking it, oh well.  RIP Paul Walker Dalvin Cook.

The League of Shadows (Season 2, last year Season 1)

Fast and Furious Character: Letty

We started with the League of Light, which was so far separated from its successors that it really is essentially a different league. Then we thought that the League was dead. It was even confirmed to be dead by Danny. But then, it came back, without its memory and basically as a new character. But then, oh no, it appeared to be a bad guy who is a bully and has always been a bully.; But then, it remembered who it was, and it’s back again! And now, even though football is awful, and even though fantasy football is awful, the League of Shadows still lives on being downright tolerable when everything around it is miserable, just like Letty.