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bekandrew · 2 months ago

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"Gather 'Round the Trashfires," a Deviant: the Renegades horror/comedy fiction podcast Mon, 16 Sep 2024 03:27:07 +0000

Robert has a new problematic hobby that threatens to bring law enforcement and Society attention to the cohort.

Also, the cohort explains to Madison about the conditioning project the Society uses, and that she's a victim of it.

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EPISODE TRANSCRIPT:

Get your snack and beverage of choice ready.

It’s time to “Gather ‘Round the Trashfires” for a tabletop roleplaying story! I’m your host, Bek Andrew Evans.

My current and main running story for this podcast is the misadventures of the cohort from the Deviant: the Renegades chronicle I’ve been playing in since early 2021. And I play Geri.

For those of you unfamiliar with Deviant, it’s a TTRPG about people who were formerly human but were irreparably changed in traumatic ways to the point their very Souls broke and they became something Other. They seek vengeance on those who made them, those who hunt them, those who seek to exploit them for what they are and will never leave them be.

As such, this podcast will feature heavy themes and content throughout. There’s an overall content warning for language, violence, criminality, homelessness, substance use, human experimentation, cults and religious extremism, mentioned torture, kidnapping, implied incest and incest-related comments, and abusive relationships. On episodes where there is a new content warning or a particularly notable instance of one of these, I’ll call it out.

I hope y’all enjoy hearing about my cohort’s antics and stumbling headfirst into the mysteries of the world as much as I have.

[Music Intro: "_violence" by Avantist]

GCC Episode 15: Madison's Conditioning

By the time the cohort gets home from the Air and Space museum, there's a video going viral on social media. It's a cell phone video from the museum of a stretched-looking, tall and pale Robert suddenly blurring in a bee-line for the back exit. He then stops in the parking lot. His skin and muscles shift like Hollywood-level special effects to Robert's normal form. The video captures Robert speed-walking deeper into the parking lot at a normal human rate.

The viral video isn't up for long, though. It suddenly gets taken down 12 hours later.

In the days since, Robert's been mysteriously disappearing at night. Surely just a coincidence, a lot more Snowdale Park Rangers patrol the area than previously after they discovered evidence of poaching. Alerts and fliers in the area say there's a $100 reward for any information that leads to the poacher's arrest. Thankfully, they haven't gotten close enough to the cabin to set off any of Grant's deadly traps.

Madison writes a notice in the information journal that they need to meet to catch up, and so they do.

One afternoon, Robert is carving bird bones into jewelry peices in the living room of the cabin. He's wearing a sleeveless tee shirt and shorts. Geri's busy cleaning something in the kitchen, wearing lounge clothes and barefoot.

Madison joins soon after from outside, wearing a pastel plaid pleated skirt, a long-sleeve tee shirt and tennis shoes. She wears her hair in a high ponytail and sips a sakura frappe.

Geri and Robert greet her and she gets right to the point: she tells them they need to talk.

Geri sprawls on one couch and Madi takes a seat on the other next to Robert.

Madison asks where Robert's been going at night, uncomfortably watching him carve the bird bones.

The look Geri gives Robert then is not warm.

Robert admits to hunting, and casually says he really should get a permit now that he's left some traces.

Geri asks why the fuck he's hunting and what purpose does it serve. He could, after all, simply NOT.

Madison reminds Robert that they're all supposed to be in hiding, not even her parents know they're at the cabin. She says the government-lake people are gonna take them to hospital-prison if they find them.

Geri also brings up how Robert Could Have Simply Not been the Flash in front of a ton of witnesses.

Robert thinks the super speed thing wasn't too bad since he had his mask on so no one could recognize him. He also doesn't see why they're picking on him for hunting when Madison goes out to a ton of free-WiFi places.

Geri doesn't care that Robert was wearing a mask, and Robert weakly defends himself saying it wasn't a conscious decision. Geri doesn't believe him.

Madi says she's about to risk getting killed by a Phantom of Elm Street to get a botnet to hide the cohort's tracks, but all that risk and effort will be useless if Robert gets them caught by the department of fishing and wildlife.

She reiterates she's always disguised when she goes out, and switches up which cafes she goes to. She goes on to explain her data security protocol... she's taking great pains to make sure she isn't tracked.

Robert thanks Madison for her efforts and promises he won't hunt anymore until he can get a permit.

Madi asks what name and address he's using for the permit. He hasn't decided, and is considering maybe bribing a park ranger.

Geri suggests again he could simply not. Robert immediately dismisses that option.

He asks them to trust his judgment, because he trusts theirs when they come up with plans.

Geri says the rest of the cohort wasn't making boneheaded decisions, and Madi scolds her for being so aggro.

Robert claims hunting helps him control what he becomes, and claims sometimes he becomes someone else.

Madison says they can't stop him from hunting, but she demands he do so safer and discreetly - so he doesn't bring law enforcement or the evil lake people to them.

Robert promises he'll be discreet as possible, and still thinks getting a permit is a good idea.

It's real hard, but Geri keeps her mouth shut and doesn't snark at Robert.

Madi reminds him he needs a fake name and address, so Robert comes up with "William Thompson" on the fly. This placates Madi.

He then tries to convince the two that they need balaclavas, or other full-facial masks so if they get into superpower fights in public, they can keep their identities safe.

Madi gently points out that that's just gonna draw more attention, and they should disguise by trying to look like normal people. Madison's stuck on why they would want to use their powers in public, though.

Robert thinks it might be necessary sometimes, so a mask could help for those situations, but says the hiding in plain sight is good for everyday disguises.

Madi points out if they're not expecting a fight, it'll be too late to put on a mask once it starts. Robert thinks they should still keep masks around for emergencies, and Madi says she can pick some up soon.

She also says they might, she guesses, need them if they ever decide to rob a bank - but no one tell Zuse that idea!

Robert suggests they could keep the masks while contacting other supernatural things, which he isn't keen on doing.

Madi reminds Robert she's dating a lake spirit. So yeah, they're gonna end up talking to other supernaturals.

Robert's afraid other supernaturals are gonna be more powerful than the cohort, and Madi confirms Camille sure is. Besides, the cohort's still learning and they need to learn to work together better, too! But it doesn't matter if they're less powerful than Camille or other things, they just have to learn to work with the hand they've been dealt.

Geri runs a hand through her hair and admits she needs to work on keeping Society thoughts from leaking into the Mindcraft. Madison's alarmed it might mean the link's two-way, but Geri assures her it isn't - just the song they think... disorients some of the cohort.

Robert wants to make himself bigger and stronger, and maybe be able to control his clones.

Madi says she finds The Long Man Song calming, and says Dr. Werner used to play it for her during therapy - mindfulness meditation sorta thing.

Robert says they should be wary of anything the Society did that made them feel good.

Awkwardly, Geri explains that yeah it makes you feel calm... but it's a Society tool to condition powerful Remade. She admits they tried it on her, too but they probably didn't have enough time to make it take.

She's scared now. Madi asks what Geri means by "condition." Robert says it's like the dog with the bell.

Geri cautiously, slowly explains that if one of them panics, it's meant to calm them instantly and stop whatever they were doing. But it's not strong enough to make them do anything else.

Absolutely not asked for, Robert says if you're conditioned once, it'll be way easier to condition you to do more things. When poor Madison starts shaking with terror, Robert assures her conditioning is a long process.

Madison asks what else they can do with it. She figures AJ's probably fine because his uncle Gabe loves him. Geri promises he is, all of them actually, but the Society members in the know can still weaponize it when the cohort has revenge time.

Robert suggests Geri or Grant overpower the song by screaming in the Mindcraft. No one acknowledges to his suggestion.

Madison gets increasingly worried and claims making someone calm isn't what conditioning is.

Geri tries to explain it by referencing the bar fight scene with River in the movie Serenity. This doesn't help much because Madi's never seen it. Then she thinks she had but mixes it up with Inception.

Robert wanders off to train, leaving the job of reassuring the baby living nuke to Geri.

AJ joins the group, just barely missing Robert. Not that he would have noticed, since he's so exhausted and un-caffeinated he's shuffling in like the walking dead. He's sipping on an over-sized beer mug filled with iced coffee. He groans more than speaks his greeting, and then flops into one of the couches.

Geri moves the unkempt curls out of his face and tells him she's trying to get everyone on the same page. She turns to Madi and explains the scene from Serenity, how the girl with superpowers started a fight in a bar and her brother told her a secret word and it made her drop to the floor asleep.

This doesn't have the intended effect of reassuring Madi. Instead, she panics worse. She wonders if that's why she got extra therapy sessions.

AJ gets momentarily distracted by the Serenity discussion. He's wistful about how hot he thinks Simon was, but says Kaylee the mechanic was the character he related to the most. He then asks Madison how she felt when she heard the Long Man Song.

She doesn't know, and starts spiraling into a full electrified panic. She babbles about how it was used in therapy and worries that the Society will make her hurt people because they wanted to make her an "asset."

AJ takes his turn trying to reassure Madi. He gestures for her to retake her seat and explains the conditioning can only make you do very specific things you're conditioned to do instead of a full sort of mind control. He says he knows it's scary and enraging, but promises they'll all figure it out together.

Violated, Madi asks how they undo it, to keep the Society out of her head. She worries more that the specific purpose could be using her as a weapon. She doesn't want to be made to hurt more people.

Geri says she can check for her just like she checked for AJ, and besides, she's seen Madi space out at the song so it's probably just that effect like Zuse said.

Madi snaps back that Zuse also said Dr. Werner didn't torture anyone. AJ says that's why they're gonna verify it together and not rely on Zuse's opinion. But they need Madi to calm down. He says he can help her, but she needs to trust him. He offers his hand to the sparky girl. He says they're all in this together.

Madi drops her cup and spills frappe all over the floor. She says she's trying to be calm, even as she's sparking and visibly panicking more.

Geri fetches the mop to begin cleaning the mess and says it's alright, they're a found family. Madison begs Geri to rip the conditioning out of her head.

Geri gently explains that she doesn't know if she can even do that, but the first step is figuring out the extent of the conditioning, which she CAN do.

AJ goes off on a tangent in trying to comfort Madi, that it's not a death sentence, and even if it was it wouldn't be valid. Even Judge Judy would sideye it.

Madi's insistent they have to figure out more about her conditioning! She can't bear the idea of putting her new friends in danger. AJ promises she won't do that, and Geri promises she'll figure it out.

With a terrible realization, Madison starts panicked-rambling wondering if any of the therapy was real therapy or if it was all just experiments and torture. She slides against the wall to the floor.

AJ's momentarily upset at the mention of Gabe, but pulls it together almost immediately. He says parents, older generations make you believe they're powerful and infallible, but they're fuck ups like the rest of everyone. He sits with Madison.

Geri kneels down beside her and offers the girl a hug. She says to keep anything from therapy that may have helped and ditch the rest.

Reminded of her own parents, Madi laments her family never returned her calls. She only got her dad's secretary. At this, Geri goes in for a protective hug... and is a champ about pretending she isn't getting shocked.

AJ watches the painful hug and manages, barely, to not tip Madi off about it.

She's too distraught to realize the pain she's causing. AJ says Madison's parents screwed up BAD not realizing what an amazing, brave, and sweet daughter they have. Now the cohort has her.

Madi looks up with wide, teary eyes and asks if he really means that. Geri says since Madi's parents don't appreciate her, Geri and AJ are her new parents. AJ smiles and says she's stuck with them. They're a super dysfunctional family that drinks together and fights crime.

She says the two are the sweetest, but says Lucas'll probably kill AJ if he kisses her again. AJ says that would be a glorious death, and fake swoons.

Geri gives AJ a light kick to the shin and releases Madi from the shocky hug. She has some minor electric burn marks.

AJ joke-defensively says he has needs, but he's an explorer and doesn't visit the same port twice.

Madi laughs and says that's a new term for fuckboy, but after a moment, looks to Geri with worry etched on her face. She asks if Geri can check her head.

While the other two go back to silly banter, Geri connects to Madi. She finds out Madi thinks the therapy helped her, but she's unable to find information

Madi doesn't know herself. She can't figure out the extent of the conditioning this way, but is able to confirm that the lack of knowledge isn't from repressed memories. Unfortunately, Geri attunes to Madi so intensely that she's momentarily overwhelmed by all the layers of Madi's terror about conditioning.

Meanwhile, AJ and Madison are still bantering about AJ's fuckboy-ness and other silly euphemisms AJ can come up with. When she doesn't understand one of them, AJ says she'll understand when she's older.

Madison insists that she totally understands well, she went to Catholic school.

AJ's confused. He thought Catholic school was all about teaching abstinence. Madi gives an unconvincing affirmative, but it's enough to keep AJ confused.

Then, Geri's overwhelmed by Madi's fear. She pales, breaks into a cold sweat, and scarlet wisps of psychic energy form around her, singing the floor and some of Madi's clothes.

AJ stops trying to decipher how a catholic school student would possibly know about anything sex-related to check on Geri. Madi worriedly asks if Geri's okay.

Geri's still shakey, but she manages to compose herself and tries to play it off as nothing, just a little backlash, no biggie. She says she'll have to check another way since Madi has no knowledge what her conditioning might do beyond the calming.

Madi begs her to do it, whatever it is. Geri replies it's her dream power. Madi warns her to be careful and not look in on the experiment memories.

Geri says she'll try but it can't possibly be worse than dying.

AJ says he's really in the mood for raiding the food stash and making some trashy food like jalepeno and turkey bacon cheese quesadillas. Then he remembers Madi's vegetarian and suggests blue cheese poppers. He gives Geri puppy dog eyes.

She's very drained, but Geri agrees to help cook.

When AJ runs into the kitchen to gather stuff, Zuse pops out of the fridge and announces he wants whatever they're having, too... and then has to rush to find his clothes.

AJ yells at Zuse for popping out of the fridge (again) and streaking in the house... (again).

That night, Geri goes to sleep for an Astral Travel dream. She asks the universe for more insight about Madison's conditioning.

She has a brief dream about Madison. She sees Madison as she was in the ward, when she first got brought in. She sees some staff reviewing a report about the freak storm that slaughtered nearly an entire high school football team and cheerleading squad from a Tulsa private school. Then Geri hears the Long Man Song.

Later, after she wakes up, Geri decides to get more information about the Church of Charismatic Virtues. She goes to a cafe with a computer and checks the church's website. She also makes a sock account on social media, pretending to be a tech-illiterate middle aged church lady.

She learns Vacation Bible School is coming up in June, the week after local schools let out. The church calendar has a ton of VBS activities planned through June. More importantly, she learns of a summer kickoff event on Memorial Day, later this month. It'll have fire dancing and a youth BBQ.

Memorial Day is quickly coming up.

[Music Outro: "Time Will Fail Us" by Troigo]

Thanks for listening, This has been Gather ‘Round The Trashfires with Bek Andrew Evans. Please subscribe to this podcast for future updates and leave a review or comment, I’d love to hear what you think. You can follow me on a few different social platforms with the username "bekandrew." That's [spells username] on tumblr and bluesky, mainly.

If you'd like to support me, subscribe to my Patreon at Patreon.com/BekAndrewTTRPG and purchase my art prints and tabletop products, including my Deviant: the Renegades community content novella related to this chronicle via my linktree in the description.

AJ is played by Roen,

Geri is played by me,

Madison is played by Syn,

Robert is played by Pandito,

Grant is played by Jaxon,

And our Storyteller is Casey Grant.

The intro theme is "_violence by Avantist" from the Free Music Archive, licensed under Creative Commons Attribution International 4.0.

The end theme is "Time Will Fail Us" by Troigo from the Free Music Archive, licensed under Creative Commons Attribution International 4.0.

If you like the songs, I encourage you to check out more of their work. I've linked their Bandcamps in the description.

Until next time.

Follow my Patreon at Patreon.com/BekAndrewTTRPG Check out my other work at linktr.ee/bekandrew Check out the Intro and Outro artists' Bandcamps! https://theavantist.bandcamp.com/music https://troigo.bandcamp.com/ Remember to subscribe and see y'all next week! Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/gather-round-the-trashfires/donations Transcript:

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scandalsavagefanfic · 3 years ago

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Batman: Urban Legends, Cheer

I’ve talked a little bit about why Batman: Urban Legends is a bad story already, but I just saw a post talking about this panel and how well Bruce has been written in this story. And while the post didn’t really say anything about Jason, OP’s comments in the notes talked about how this seemed to be a direct response to people trashing Bruce for beating on the poor and disenfranchised, talking about how he’s finally “in character”, how he has a lighter touch and tends to think things through and how the story is teaching Jason a lesson about his “tendency” to brute his way through things without thinking about them, and how Jason wasn’t OOC.

My first post about UL touches on why that last bit is nonsense, but the stuff about Bruce reminded me of something else in UL that really, really bothered me.

It’s the above panel and these, not just in the context that this story rewrites Jason as ALWAYS having been prone to violence and willing to wail on the weak, but also in the sense that Bruce, of all people, is the one chosen to teach this lesson to Jason.

[that sentence ends in the next panel with “...stealing the Batmobile’s tires?”]

It’s just one more way DC keeps chipping away at what makes Jason (the Robin raised in poverty, the one who grew up with a first-hand insight into the way Gotham’s systemic corruption and crimes do the most harm to the poorest and least powerful people, and the only one to be personally affected by addiction) special and interesting. It’s just the most recent way they’ve bastardized his roots to villainize him (the poor homeless kid who was brutally murdered) so that Bruce (the billionaire) looks better, so that Bruce is absolved of all his responsibility in how Jason came to be the Red Hood.

Because in actuality, Jason taught Bruce that criminals can change.

Bruce didn’t listen. He stalked Penguin and when he found him, Bruce had to eat his words.

Penguin had actually tried to change. Bruce realized his mistake and tried to defend him after he was arrested, but the damage was done.

By the way, this is from when Penguin was just a jewel thief. Let that sink in for a sec. Go back up to the panel from Urban Legends with Batman and Robin in the alley and reread it.

And this, this story with the Penguin, is how it should be. Not that crap from UL.

I don’t know why people have to keep saying this but Jason isn’t stupid. He’s incredibly smart and his actions, even his violence, are rooted in empathy and indignation on behalf of the innocent who are harmed, not rage. The above panels in UL are basically like saying that Cassandra Cain has suddenly changed her mind that everyone can be saved and decided to join Jason in killing super villains. This is the core of the character we’re talking about. It’s not the dumb little details like whether he likes coffee or eats cereal or whatever. It’s the heart of the character. It’d be like taking the circus out of Dick’s story, or the love of Robin from Tim’s, or making someone other than Talia Damian’s mother.

Jason is very aware that petty crime is often motivated by desperation. He literally lived that life. That’s why he’s never targeted people like that the way this book shows him to.

Even when he returned, he was never an indiscriminate killer and he was never violent for the sake of it. He didn’t beat the shit out of addicts because he was an impatient little bitch. He was methodical and calculative and he only killed people who preyed on the weak, the innocent, and the defenseless.

Like the mob’s drug lieutenants who dealt to kids:

Like these bastards, who were deep in denial and broke Jason’s golden rule, no dealing to children.

Because drug dealers purposefully target kids, relying on addiction to make them repeat customers for life.

Rapists and the scum who prey on people at their most vulnerable:

And nazis.

The fact is, Jason certainly has his faults, but he would never, ever, do this to an addict:

Writing him like he would is out of character. Drastically.

Jason doesn’t go off half-cocked. He doesn’t jump in blind. These aren’t lessons he needs to learn in anything except this story which specifically wrote him as idiotic and mean as possible to squeeze him into the box the writer needed him to fit into.

Jason has never been written quite this bad before, but even if you take the few random instances over the last 15 years, where he’s been written as meaner and dumber than usual as his core character, how can you stand there and say that Bruce’s style is a calmer, more rational approach and say how he’s been written for the last 30 years is ooc????

For the kind of story Batman: Urban Legends seems to be telling, Bruce is literally the last character this message should be funneled through. Bruce is a billionaire (or... multi-millionaire, for now in the main continuity but who knows what’s canon for this). It’s so fucking tone-deaf to keep writing this kind of interaction between Bruce and Jason.

Do I agree that Bruce should be written as more understanding and empathetic and less vicious than he sometimes is since the 80′s, by the way, this isn’t new? Absolutely.

Do I think this was a good example of that or a reasonable template going forward? Absolutely not.

DC needs to stop sacrificing what makes Jason Todd interesting, what makes the character an excellent tool to tell meaningful, topical stories, for today’s audiences, just to prop up Bruce.

For starters, Bruce doesn’t need that?

Their roles in this story don’t have to be swapped. There are ways to write this kind of stuff that doesn’t fuck up a character. See the above example with Penguin. And that’s from the fucking 80′s. How are Reagan-era comics telling stories about poverty, addiction, and reformed criminals with more nuance and tact and consideration than something in 2021????

I just think it’s fucking sad.

And extremely frustrating.

#Jason Todd #bruce wayne #red hood #batman urban legends #DC comics #meta #comics #batman #please for the love of god reblog this

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skamenglishsubs · 3 years ago

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Subtext and Culture, Young Royals, Season 1, Episode 2

Episode 2 picks up the morning day after the initiation party, the girls are having breakfast lunch at their dorm, the boys at theirs, and everyone wants the juicy details about what happened at the party...

Culture: Tell me more, tell me more, did you get very far? Although, it's pretty funny how the roles are reversed, Maddie is all "meh" about it, while Nils tells a different story. Then again, since when do you get together after a blowjob?

Culture: I actually have no idea why Simon is having breakfast at Skogsbacken, since regular schools only cover lunch for students, everyone eats breakfast at home, and then goes to school. Then again, it allows a scene where (Never mind, they're having lunch, thanks @kamand !) Blink and you miss it: Wilhelm casts some nervous glances at Simon after having been called out for disappearing at the party and almost forced to confess to making out with someone.

Culture: I know Felice is trying to put August down, but don't knock a proper Swedish pizza! As much as I like living in the US, they can't fucking make pizzas here, and the first thing I eat every time I go back to Sweden is always a real pizza. With pineapple and shrimp as God intended pizza to be made!

Culture: August is namedropping ski resorts in the Alps, which is where you go skiing in Europe if you have money, although Saint-Martin-de-Belleville is actually near Val Thorens in France, while Verbier is in Switzerland. It does have a three-star restaurant, though. Sweden and Norway have a couple of decent ski resorts, but the Scandinavian mountain chain is simply not as impressive as the Alps.

Subtext: Remember Wilhelm getting up and hurrying to math class in the beginning of the scene? It was so he could grab the other seat next to Simon, because he knows Simon is gonna sit next to Sara, since no-one else does.

Culture: Formally greeting your teacher before class is very uncommon in Sweden, but since Hillerska is all about discipline and tradition, of course they do it. Note that they're again using the formal Swedish title for male teachers, Magister, which in a regular school would be kind of a joke, since teachers and students are on a first-name basis with each other.

Subtext: Wilhelm is exposing how the world works if you have money. At Simon's old school, studying alone would result in good grades, but Hillerska is slightly corrupt and almost expects the students to essentially pay for getting a good grade.

Subtext: Simon is lying to his teacher, he absolutely hasn't talked to his parents about paying for private lessons.

Subtext: No, Sara absolutely does care about what other people think about her, and when she directly tells Felice that she would actually like some friends, that's when Felice gets it and starts making an effort to become real friends with her.

Culture: They're all bilingual at Simon's home, they're all speaking Spanish and Swedish, although Linda has a very noticeable accent to her Swedish. Based on demographics and statistics, the most likely scenario is that Linda immigrated to Sweden from Chile, met Micke, and started a family. In real life, Omar Rudberg was born in Venezuela and grew up in Sweden, while Carmen Gloria Pérez was born in New York, and grew up in Puerto Rico.

Subtext: Remember how I talked in the intro post about how distant social classes know nothing of each other? Ayub and Rosh are either working class or lower middle class like Simon, and since rowing is a typical upper class sport, they know nothing of it, they don't even think of it as a real sport. Unlike football, which is a proper working class sport, they know all about that!

Subtext: Scandinavia has Jantelagen, and everyone there thinks it's uniquely Scandinavian, but all countries have some form of Tall Poppy Syndrome. In this scene, Simon is starting to make a class journey, he started rowing, he started trying to fit in with the other upper-class kids, and getting into a relationship with someone as upper-class as Wilhelm would definitely move him all the way. But going on a journey means leaving things behind, which is why Rosh and Ayub are cutting him down and literally turning their backs on him. They like it in the small town of Bjärstad, why can't he be happy there too? Why is he betraying his roots?

Subtext: This comment from August nicely foreshadows a later episode when August does something traceable on a School computer...

Subtext: What August means is that he's not sure Wilhelm has the same desire to be accultured into the upper class, to play the part of a proper prince, in the same way that he and Erik have accepted their roles and are even enjoying them.

Culture: Although it's impossible to read the name of the medicine, the paper tag on the bottle indicates that it's some kind of prescription medicine. From the conversation with Vincent, we learn that it's some kind of ADHD medication, probably some kind of Dextroamphetamine since those improve athletic ability and cognitive functions in healthy people.

Culture: Birkenstock sandals are associated with hippies in Sweden as well as in many parts of the world, so August is actually saying that the school counselor isn't really part of the same upper-class society as the rest of the staff. And again, his use of the word sosse drives the point home.

Subtext: Consequently, the counselor sees right through August and refuses to immediately prescribe him the medication that he wants...

Subtext: ...even though August tries to both bribe him and threaten him into giving him the medication he wants.

Subtext: A big theme of this episode is class journeys, and in this scene and a previous exercise scene, August gushes about how good a thing that is, how proud he is of Simon for going on one, and spouts some crap about how everyone can make it if they really want to.

Subtext: Thankfully, Madison says what we're all thinking: August is full of shit, life isn't fair, and they're only at the school because they were born into privilege.

Blink and you miss it: After Wilhelm has nervously texted his crush for the first time, he starts to bite his fingernails, but quickly stops himself, because why would he be nervous? He's just texting another boy about rowing practice, there's nothing more to it!

Subtext: Simon's texting game is on point though, he knows exactly what he should write to get Wilhelm to go on a totally-not-a-date with him.

Subtext: In the same way that August couldn't convince the counselor about being sick, I don't think Wilhelm's atrocious acting here convinces August that he's sick either.

Culture: Public transport in the greater Stockholm area - or wherever we're supposed to be - is of course cash-less, and you pay by either charging a special card, or by signing up in their app and buying tickets through there. The point of this scene though is to drive home how Wilhelm has never ever had to take the bus before in his life, and therefore has no idea how it works.

Culture: The totally-not-a-date starts at a Circle K, which in Sweden is just another gas station, but it is actually a Canadian multi-national convenience store corporation. The price of gas is of course posted in kr/l, and 13.98kr/l corresponds to roughly $6/gal.

Subtext: Throughout the totally-not-a-date, Wilhelm is trying to reach for common ground with Simon, trying to show him how he's just a regular guy...

Subtext: ...but then real life intrudes, Wilhelm is recognized by some local girls, who call out to him and run away giggling, which shows how he's not a regular guy, he's going to get recognized wherever he goes.

Culture: Kokt eller grillat, boiled or grilled, are the two ways you can get your hot-dog at pretty much any hot-dog place in Sweden, and ketchup and mustard is always offered. The correct answer to this question is of course grilled, with ketchup and mustard, and this just shows that Wilhelm is a man of culture and good taste. Unfortunately, they were out grilled ones, so they all got boring soggy boiled hot-dogs instead. Is there a metaphor here? I don't know.

Subtext: Again, the show drives home the point that absolutely no-one has a problem with people being gay. Simon is clearly out to Ayub and the rest of his friends, and Ayub immediately picks up on the fact that this is totally a date.

Blink and you miss it: Ayub nudges Simon with his elbow to tell him that he should make a move on Wilhelm.

Culture: What we're looking at is just the local junior/high school football team, Bjärstad, playing a match against some other unnamed junior football team. Since the stakes are super low, the audience basically consists of whichever parents and friends of the players that could be bothered showing up.

Culture: Driving age is 18 in Sweden, and even then getting your own car at that age is extremely uncommon. However, you can easily get a license for a moped when you turn 15, so these are the vehicles of choice for teenagers to get around.

Subtext: August found out about Wilhelm's trip to town, but his main problem with it is that he wants Wilhelm to stop slumming it with lower class people, and to start hanging out with everyone at school instead, so that he can be properly accultured into the upper class. Again, sosse in this context means working class, not socialist.

Subtext: Although Simon felt really great about his first date with Wilhelm, the text message reminds him that Wilhelm isn't a regular person, and that even this innocent little trip generates interest and scrutiny, and can't be posted publicly.

Culture: As everyone should have noticed by now, Madison keeps speaking English, while everyone speaks to her in Swedish, so clearly she understands it. But here she gives her motivation for sticking to English, and that is that she doesn't feel she's good enough at speaking Swedish. Boarding schools like Hillerska attracts international students that have some kind of connection to the country, so a likely scenario is that Madison grew up in the US with a Swedish parent, and she's being sent here to experience Swedish culture and get immersed in the language to learn it better.

Cinematography: This shot of August drives really home all the pressure he is under, he's out of drugs, the headmistress just hinted that he's out of money, and he's literally being weighed down by books and work-out weights.

Subtext: Simon has kept his visits to Micke a secret from Sara, so here he has to intervene to make sure August doesn't accidentally reveal this to her. He also wants to protect his sister, so he's redirecting August's search for drugs onto himself.

Subtext: And on the flipside, Simon isn't really telling his dad that Sara still hates him and really doesn't want to see him, so he's vague when Micke asks about Sara and Linda.

Culture: Finally a bottle of medicine where we can read the label! Unfortunately for Simon, this is Tramadol, an opiate prescribed for pain relief, which is the complete opposite of the kind of drugs August wants.

Subtext: If you haven't figured out yet that this episode is about class journeys, August spells it out for us here. However, the reason he's "congratulating" Simon in front of everybody is because Simon just supplied him with more drugs, so this is his way of thanking him, since he can't really pay him.

Blink and you miss it: For a split second, Wilhelm grabs Simon's leg during the scary scene.

Subtext: The entire dialogue of the movie works as subtext for what's actually going on between Wilhelm and Simon at this point, and Wilhelm is getting a little freaked out by this sneaky display of affection.

Subtext: The movie also puts words on the implications of Wilhelm getting together with a boy, what about having kids in the future? Can you carry on your family name and traditions, or will they die with you?

Lost in translation: The plaque actually says "FEEL YOUR RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE HERITAGE". Even though the plaque means the heritage and legacy of the school itself, Wilhelm is thinking about his legacy, his heritage, and how getting together with Simon would threaten that.

Lost in translation: Wilhelm actually says "jag är inte en..." - "I'm not a..." before he stops himself. So it's not possible that he was trying to say "I'm not gay", because that doesn't work grammatically in Swedish either. He could be trying to say "I'm not a guy like that" or "I'm not a guy who likes guys", that would work.

Cinematography: The framing and silhouetting of this shot is just chef's kiss. The outline of their hair allows us to see who is who, and we can see from their poses that Simon is welcoming a kiss, while Wilhelm is still hesitating.

#young royals #young royals subtext #young royals analysis

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talesofarcadia78 · 3 years ago

Note

Hello! 😄 Can I request a fluffy oneshot with prompts: “And I love, I love, I love you.” and [a gentle “I love you too” whispered after a soft kiss, followed immediately by a stronger kiss] about Douxie attempts to confess his romantic feelings to shy!female!human! reader and he end up super flustered, but its okay because she thinks it's cute? Hint: She has romantic feelings for Douxie too! I live for flustered Douxie! 💖 Please?? ~🌼

A/n: Special thanks to @itsgabby.2021 for helping!

Confession || One shot

The wind picked up, letting out a quiet whistle. The leaves on the trees had started to change it's colours from the bright green to a warm orange. You wrapped your scarf around your neck and tugged on your jumper, attempting to get warmer.

You continued your way down the path to work.

The smell of coffee instantly hit you as soon as you opened the door of your beloved GDT Arcane Books. You hung your tote bag on one of the hangers next to the entrance.

"Good morning, Y/n!" a chipper voice called from the second floor of the store.

"Good morning, Douxie!" you called back.

You walked over to Douxie's cat, Archie, who was enjoying the morning sun by a window. You pat Archie on his exposed stomach, earning a purr before making your way over to the register.

You had been working at the bookstore for only a month but you felt like that you've been working there forever. Douxie was in urgent need of an employee as his last one had left the state with his wife. He had hung posters all over town, handing any passing person his business card and making calls to his friends to spread the word. Luckily, you had just moved from Europe to the small, quaint town, Arcadia, desperately needing a job.

One day, you were walking around in town, when you noticed a poster saying that GDT Arcane Books was hiring. You rushed over to the store to get interviewed. You were honestly expecting an ageing women/man to be the owner. But it turned out to be your pen pal, Hisirdoux Casperan. He was very happy to meet you in person after years of communicating through letters. He immediately gave you the job, no interview needed, since he knew practically everything about you and vice versa.

After a couple of days of working at the store, you had started to admire Douxie more than just a friend. You had developed a crush on him, which slowly turned into love. But, you knew that Douxie would never feel the same way, so you keep your mouth shut. You were happy with what you had and didn't want to ruin it by blurting out your feelings.

Little did you know, Douxie felt the same way for you.

The offer had been placed to stay at Douxie's place, knowing that you were new in town. But you politely declined, since you were already staying at a pink haired witch's apartment named Zoe Ashildr.

Turns out, Zoe and Douxie knew each other as fellow wizards. Douxie trusted Zoe to keep you safe and kept you company whenever he couldn't.

Back to the present, Douxie came down the stairs with two cups of coffee in each hand, whilst using his telekinesis floated empty boxes behind him.

"Here's a cup of coffee for a lovely lady," Douxie winked as he set a cup on the register as you were counting a new shipment of books.

"Thanks, Doux!" you called, keeping your self distracted as your cheeks had turned a crimson red from his comment.

+ + + + + +

You went to the back, needing to refill a few shelves with new novels.

Almost there…

Your fingers lightly brushed the book you wanted, but you failed to grab it.

You tried again, standing on your tip toes, even though you were on a ladder, you took the risk. This time you successfully got the novel but your foot slipped off of the ladder.

"Douxie!"

Douxie was walking to the back, wondering why you were taking so long, when he heard his name getting yelled by none other than you.

He rushed into the back room to see you falling from a dangerous height.

"Magna tawna truess!" Douxie incanted.

A sky blue aura surrounded you, saving you from the fall. You slowly got placed on the ground.

"You alright?" Douxie asked, frantically looking over you for any injuries.

"I-I'm alright Douxie," you replied.

He let out a sigh of relief.

"Whenever you need to get something from that height, just ask me, okay?"

You nodded in response.

+ + + + + +

You handed the book to the petit, old lady, who gave you some cash, along with a tip, before she headed out of the store.

“Time to close up shop,” Douxie stated, coming out from the back room.

“Finally! It’s been a long day,” you replied, stretching.

Douxie laughed at your antics.

“Get some rest, Y/n,” he smiled, heading to the front door and holding it open for you.

“Thanks, Doux. I guess I’ll see you tomorrow,” you said as you walked past him, “I-- ummm… Bye.”

“Yes. Bye, love. See you tomorrow,” he chuckled.

You made your way to you and Zoe’s shared apartment.

You couldn’t help but fluster yourself as thoughts of Douxie ran through your mind.

Before you knew it, you had arrived at your destination, Zoe ready to greet you.

“Hey, Y/n!” Zoe called, leaning on the doorframe, “How was work?”

“Oh, y’know… same-same,” you answered as you entered the abode.

“I forgot to mention this earlier! Douxie’s coming over for dinner!” she hollered from her spot in the kitchen as if she didn’t expect a reaction out of you.

“W-w-what?!” you sputtered, spitting out the drink that was in your mouth.

“Yeah! He should be here at 7!”

You looked at the time.

6:45…

“But… that’s… t-that’s in 15 minutes!” you cried as you ran to your room and rummaged through your clothes for something to wear.

“Well, you better hurry!” she snickered, playfully rolling her eyes.

After rummaging through your wardrobe, you finally found (you choose what you want to wear, rather than the usual plain white shirt and black pants.

Abruptly, you heard the door bell rang.

Oh no… Douxie's here.

You scrambled out of your room and into the main room to see Zoe standing in the doorway, greeting Douxie. He walked inside and spotted you.

"Hey, Y/n!" Douxie waved.

"H-Hi Douxie," you said, “W-what a nice surprise…”

“Indeed. I thought dinner was cancelled when you left work, but Zoe reminded me,” he informed.

You all sat down at the dining table, Zoe serving you your meals.

Zoe and Douxie talked over dinner, exchanging quips and banters.

You just sat there with your mouth shut, afraid of saying something embarrassing in front of Douxie.

After dinner, you tidied up the table, carrying the dishes to the sink.

“Hey! We should get some dessert! How does ice cream sound?” Zoe asked.

You and Douxie exchanged excited glances and nodded in agreement.

“Sounds good,” you smiled.

“Great! Let’s go!” Zoe exclaimed, ushering you and Douxie out the door.

+ + + + + +

You all were enjoying your ice cream at the Bluff, as you all had found the ice cream truck there. Douxie and you were sitting on the bench that was provided, while Zoe was sitting crossed-legged on the ground.

You were showing Douxie all the constellations, pointing each one out to him. He was amazed by all of your knowledge on just stars and space. Douxie knew you had an interest in a lot of things, cooking, art, sport, space, and a whole other stuff. Now, he knows you also take an interest in constellations.

Suddenly, someone's phone began ringing. Zoe noticed it was hers and picked it up.

By the way Zoe's expression turned from happy and cheerful from stressed and worried, you could tell, something was wrong.

She hung up and jumped to her feet.

"Sorry, guys. I have to go. There's a problem at Hex Tech," Zoe explained. "Bye!"

She rushed off before either you or Douxie could say anything.

You both looked at each other and shrugged before going back to constellations.

+ + + + +

Now, you two were just gazing at the stars. Douxie was in deep thought.

He had fallen in love with you in the few months he had started to write letters to you. He had only seen you through a photo that you had attached of yourself in the second letter to him, but he also got to know you through the letters. You had poured your heart into those letters, telling him everything and anything. Douxie had done the same.

He wanted to confess to you so badly! Douxie had planned to confess his feelings a few days ago, though it didn't turn out so great.

Douxie had taken you out to lovely restaurant for dinner. Everything was going according to his plan, your hands were in his as he was going to say everything, when the waiter came and interrupted. And for what? The damn bill!

You being you, took out your card to pay. Douxie wouldn't allow that. So, you two started to argue over who was going to pay the bill. Douxie ended up paying, as he planned the dinner for you.

He tried again outside of the restaurant, where there would be no interruptions. Well, that's what he thought.

You had to go to a friend’s house just after the dinner, so they decided to pick you up. Douxie had no idea about this.

Again, he was going to confess, when a car pulled up beside you two, telling you to hop in.

You apologised and headed off.

After you were gone, Douxie kicked the ground and headed to his house.

Defeated.

+ + + + + +

As you were looking up at the night sky, star gazing, Douxie was gazing at you.

He had made up his mind. He was going to tell you. Everything. Right then and there.

"Uh… Y/n? I-- uh… I wanted to tell you something," Douxie spoke up.

You turned your attention to him, "Yeah?"

Douxie took your hands in his, which made you blush a little.

"Okay, here goes nothing. Y/n… ever since I saw you-- I mean… wrote to you… Well, after I got to know you through writing letters-- through the letters, I started to look at you differently. Not in a weird way! Just more than a friend? Then, when I saw you for the first time in Arcadia, before you came to the shop. I was shocked, like I was surprised that you were in Arcadia. It's not a bad thing! I thought you lived in Europe, but turns out you moved. Anyways, I started to admire you than more a friend. I've gotten to know so much about you over the past month. So, all I want to say is that… I love you…" Douxie stammered.

You giggled at his stammering and flustered state.

He is so adorable.

Douxie took a deep breath before he repeated, "I love you." He stared into your eyes before he pressed his lips onto yours, kissing you softly as you kissed back. You both pulled away, keeping your foreheads touching.

"I love you, too," you whispered.

Douxie's eyes lit up like a child before he pulled you into another kiss, though this time, it was more stronger than the first.

You both pulled away for air just as you heard a click.

You turned your head to the source, to see a pink-haired witch standing there with her phone out, clearly taking pictures.

"Aww! You two are so cute!" Zoe cooed.

You furiously blushed and buried your face into Douxie's chest as he wrapped his arms around you.

"Zoe Ashildr!"

Word Count: 1,900

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laurenairay · 4 years ago

Note

1 with Matthew Tkachuk possibly if you want to?

Thanks for requesting this one, anon! I had a lot of fun writing this one – maybe I should write more for him in the future?

Tagging @danglesnipecelly for getting me on the Matthew Tkachuk train the first place! 😘

“You owe me.” “Fine, whatever you want.”

Summer. The start of warmer weather, longer nights, ice-cream dripping down your fingers, the happiness that only true sunshine could bring. It also meant gatherings of friends from far and wide, those still living at home in St Louis like you, or those who ventured out of state and further afield. Friends whose lives had taken then far away from home, but the lure of summer always brought them back. Friends, like your neighbour Matthew Tkachuk.

You’d already seen him a couple of times since he arrived home a few days ago, a wave from your house next door and a pizza night when Taryn had come back home too yesterday, but you couldn’t wait for summer to sink into his bones, to give him that freedom he’d been missing too.

That’s when summer would really start.

Growing up, he’d always had that big brother vibe, despite you only being a couple of months younger than him, and you were glad for his steady friendship. But for the past few summers, things had changed slightly. Those friendly brotherly vibes had shifted, the airs of childhood having long faded away, and a teasing playful vibe had turned up in its place. Summer had never lasted long enough for you to figure out how you felt about this change, to be honest. But you were hoping that this was the year, this was when you finally figured out what it all meant.

You were sitting in your room, putting away some laundry when your phone buzzed with a call. The Best Tkachuk. Huh.

“Hey, Matty, what’s up?” you said, smiling.

“Hey, I need your help,”

Woah.

“What’s wrong? What happened? Are you hurt?” you frowned, dropping the last of your clean socks onto the floor.

“Oh, no, no I’m fine. Well, I’m stressed out because I’m trying to do this dinner thing and…damn it, can you drive me to the grocery store?”

“Why don’t you take your mom’s car? Or the car that you and Brady are sharing?” you asked, confused.

“Mom and Dad took Taryn out to the mall to get some new sneakers. And Brady took off in the car to see that girl he’s sneaking around with that he thinks we don’t know about,”

Oh yeah, Brady was super obvious.

“There’s a grocery store you can walk to in 15 minutes, Matty,” you mused, rolling your eyes.

“I went to that one yesterday and I thought I picked up everything on my list but I missed an ingredient because they didn’t have it,”

His voice was getting a little petulant, a whining tone, making you grin. You were going to help him, obviously, but it didn’t hurt to make him work for it.

“And I should help you…why?” you said simply.

“Because if I screw this up when I said I didn’t need any help then Brady and Taryn will never let me hear the end of it!”

“Again, why should I help you?” you teased.

Matthew groaned down the phone, making you smile.

“Because Brady chopped off your favourite Barbie’s hair when we were kids and Taryn scratched up your 13th birthday CD?”

He had a point…

“Try again,” you grinned.

“Because you’ll have my everlasting gratitude?”

“Hmm…”

You trailed off, pretending to think, earning another groan, although you were pretty sure he’d figured out your game by this point.

“Please?”

The softness of his voice made butterflies fizzle in your stomach at the vulnerability. How could you say not to him?

“Yeah, I’ll take you to the grocery store, Matty. Let me put on some shoes,” you said, smiling.

“Thank you, so much,”

You just laughed, shaking your head. “You owe me,”

“Fine, whatever you want,”

“Ooh that could be dangerous,” you teased.

“I can handle it,”

You grinned at what you knew was a smirk in his voice. This was much more like it. “I’ll see you in just a minute,”

And with that, you ended the call. It didn’t take long for you to get some shoes on, and by the time you were downstairs, Matthew was waiting by the car. You bit your lip to hide your smile at how good he looked, sleeveless shirt exposing those sculpted arms, beautiful eyes dangerously focused, hair mussed and wild. Damn. You wiggled your fingers at him in a wave, smile coming through properly at the look of relief on his face.

“You’re a lifesaver,” he groaned, getting in the passenger seat of your car.

“I know,” you mused, “What went wrong?”

Matthew huffed out a laugh, running a hand over his messy hair as you pulled out of your driveway. “You know how mom always throws the big neighbourhood get-together when me, Brady and Taryn are all home for the summer?”

You nodded, knowing it well. “Yeah it’s this weekend, right?”

“Right! Well, I said that I would cook for the family tonight, give her a night off before the big party,”

“She does deserve the rest,” you nodded.

God knows that poor woman put up with enough thanks to all those big personalities.

“Exactly! She deserves it. I got the recipes for her favourite foods, and I planned it all out properly because I want to make it special for her, but I literally forgot the key ingredient for the spices in the main dish and it won’t be the same without it,” he grumbled.

“That’s really sweet of you, Matty. You’re a good son,” you said softly.

“I try,” he mumbled, blushing lightly at your compliment, “But if I don’t get it right then Brady and Taryn will make fun of me for ages,”

“I don’t know how your mom puts up with all of you, really,” you snorted.

Matthew blushed a little more, but laughed. “Yeah, I know we’re a bit much. You love me anyway, right?”

“Don’t push your luck, Tkachuk,” you said dryly.

When Matthew pouted, you just laughed, shaking your head. Having grown up next door to the Tkachuk family had always been a loud intense ride, but your friendship with Matthew, especially now that he’d settled more into himself, was something you cherished. And it was times like this, when he went out of his way to make his mom happy, that reminded you of just how sweet he was. You may only really see him in the summer now, your lives having taken you in different directions, but you missed him like this.

“You know she’ll love it, whatever you make, because you made it, right?” you pointed out.

Matthew smiled, a little shyly, but shrugged. “I’d hope so…but I still want to do it well,”

“There’s the Tkachuk fighting spirit talking,” you laughed, pulling into the parking lot of the grocery store.

Matthew laughed as well, a bit more of his usual sparkle coming into his eyes as you parked the car.

“I’ll be really quick, I promise,” he grinned, unbuckling his seatbelt.

“Yeah no worries, take as long as you need. Just remember that you owe me, Matty,” you grinned back.

You saw a flash of fire in Matthew’s eyes, making those butterflies flare up again, but you managed to keep your face calm and collected.

“Oh I haven’t forgotten, trust me,” he murmured.

He winked as he walked towards the store, that little smirk on his face that you loved, leaving you a little stunned before you shook your head with a laugh. Looks like you had a lot of thinking to do before the big party this weekend.

#my writing #lauren turns 30 blurbs #matthew tkachuk #all that teasing flirting feels so right for him #i think he definitely has a sweet side though #matthew tkachuk blurb #prompt list blurb #matthew tkachuk fic #matthew tkachuk x reader #matthew tkachuk fanfic #hockey blurb #hockey writing #hockey imagine #nhl blurb #nhl writing #nhl imagine

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vydante · 4 years ago

Text

Restart | END | Avengers x Male! Reader

I am discontinuing my Restart series because I've simply lost creative juices for it. That's it, no elaborate or other reason. Anyways, I didn't want to just end it on the last chapter, and as someone who loves to overshare (especially if it's unsolicited), I thought some might like to see what drafts I had in plan, going chapter by chapter.

It goes up to Ch. 20 with additional bonus chapters, and chapters where I wasn't sure where they were going to be placed in the timeline.

If you have any comments, let me know! I'd love to read them :)

Here goes! Warning: very long, since the formatting is weird! The reader will be referred to as (Name) and "you", as in the story.

Right after Ch. 12 (Circumvention), are 2 special chapters (High Caliber Bullet) & (America's Sweethearts).

(High Caliber Bullet)'s basic plot was that Barnes, now # amount of weeks since the last chapter, has gained some freedoms and can now go out and about with either (Name) or DAHLIA for supervision (via his phone, and through the cameras everywhere).

In this particular chapter, he basically goes out for a typical grocery run with DAHLIA "accompanying" him, since before, he remembers (Name) telling him that "I won't always be there with you". But something bad happens! Wooo! (Maybe an attempted robbery, I didn't have the details sorted out yet.)

Either way, DAHLIA loses contact with him, and she tries to contact you ASAP, but it takes a little while since your dumbass was asleep the whole time! Wow! The suit had to manually power on and shake you awake.

Anyways, the only thing I had "written down" after that was that, after a failed search attempt for James, you go back home and are greeted with a surprise... "Kabedon"? Or, you're pinned to the walls by James... Or, rather, the Winter Soldier!

You're not sure what's going on, only that, "Wow, Barnes is acting weird. Why is he suddenly Russian? Wh- Okay, wow, he's suddenly gotten a lot closer. Now, wait a fuckin' minute-!"

Either way, you and James make a discovery of a second personality living inside his body- the Soldier! Or Winter, I'm still unsure which I would have gone for. If you're familiar with certain WinterIron tropes, this is one of them. Anyways, that's the end of that chapter, or what I had written so far, anyway.

This chapter is really important to the canon of Restart since it establishes Soldier, but it didn't fit into my initial plans of 10 chapters an arc, so. That's why it's a "special" chapter.

The next "special" chapter after that was (America's Sweethearts). I had written 2 "chunks" of text for this chapter. The main plot is, basically, you and Steve spent a platonic (promise!) Valentine's Day together. Hence the title. Cute, right? This was referenced in Ch. 9 (Revelation) during Future! Steve's reminiscing.

Anyways, below the next text is what I had written for that chapter. It will be in normal text.

No other thoughts on that, so let's move on.

"You live like this?"

In his defense, Steve's apartment wasn't messy in the slightest. In fact, it was the other way around- everything was too clean, too pristine, too detached. The only saving grace he's getting from standing in the middle of his apartment is the fact that compared to the chilly Brooklyn weather, it was almost obnoxiously warm in his apartment.

Not only did he have the heater going on, but he had another separate, portable heater blasting hot air in the corner.

(Sometimes, and only sometimes, Steve will stand in front of the heater and slowly spin around like a rotisserie chicken. The heat feels good, in his defense.)

The heat was something that you, thankfully, didn't comment on as you shed your jacket and slung it around the coat hanger near the door. You're wearing an over-sized tee- Thor's tee, he absentmindedly notes- and some sweats, both like and unlike the (Name) he often sees.

(It's not uncommon for Steve to glance at a newspaper or TV still shot and see you with your hair slicked back and dressed head to toe in a suit so expensive he's confident it costs at least a few years' worths of a typical New Yorker's rent.

Neither is uncommon to see you on the front cover of Men's Magazine, wearing a simple tee that shouldn't look that good on you but still does and posing confidently for the camera.

But despite all that, all of the clearly flattering outfits you could possibly wear at the tips of your fingers, often Steve will see you wear a disparagingly obnoxious, dirty shirt, and an old pair of sweats as your go-to outfit.)

(No, he will never admit that he really likes seeing you like that. Even with the mysterious smudged substance often found on the bottom of your sweats, as if you had swing danced in mud and crude oil.)

Regardless, while he often questions your private life fashion choices (and this is coming from a man who willingly wears khakis), he at least knows why you're wearing what you are, given the fact that he's also dressed in an overused tee and some joggers.

"What's wrong with my apartment? Not up to par with your penthouse standards?" Steve jests.

"Steve. Please." You threw him an unimpressed glare, much to Steve's never-ending amusement.

You glanced back to the inside of the apartment and squinted at it with what Steve could only describe as a rich man's scrutinizing gaze, before shrugging nonchalantly. You strolled into his apartment with a confidence Steve can still never get used to, one that reminds him so much of Tony's, and even Howard on his bad days.

(He understands why Tony doesn't like it when he brings Howard up, as he belatedly realizes that Howard didn't die the same man he knew him as, but he never understood why you've suddenly gotten bitter about Howard as well.)

He follows you into the hallway, and if it weren't for the fact that this was his apartment, he would've looked like a lost puppy following its new owner.

His apartment's not really that big, so it doesn't take long before you've both reached the living room. A simple TV, simple couch, simple table. Nothing really exciting in his living room, but it serves its purposes, in Steve's opinion.

(This is the end of that chunk. Next is where I picked up in writing. Short time skip, they both fall asleep and now Steve's waking up.)

It was the change in the smell that woke him up.

It's always the scent of fresh linen that greeted him early in the morning, something that's become so attuned to his everyday life. So when, instead, popcorn and sweets drifts his way, for a brief second his heart rate jumps.

'What?', his mind asks as he opens his eyes, bleary but cautious.

'Oh,' his mind responds back at him when his eyes drift down to your sleeping form laying splayed right on top of him, body glued to his side. You're mainly hogging the blanket, but he doesn't really mind as he runs hot 24/7.

'Oh', his mind repeats softly, as something deep unfurls from his stomach and rises to his throat, clenching up and unable to say anything as his eyes fixate themselves on your steady breathing. Your lips are too close to his neck, each breath too warm, even for him. His skin burns where it meets yours, and absently he thinks, 'this is nice'.

'Yeah,' he lifts his hand to brush away a strand of hair away from your eyes, 'This is nice.'

Steve blearily throws a glance at the clock on his nightstand. 4 more minutes until he'd typically wake up and start his day with a morning jog.

'No,' his body protests.

'Okay,' his mind agrees without a fight.

He carefully reaches over and presses the silence button on his alarm. Above him, a breathy exhale escapes your lips at the sudden movement, and if possible, you curl closer to him than you were before. He pauses, unsure if you're going to wake up or not, but relax when he realizes that you're still in a deep slumber.

(Another break. Next sentence was supposed to be the final sentence of the chapter.)

In the end, neither of you commented about how Steve had missed his daily morning run as his limbs were straddled in between yours.

Ch. 13 (Upheaval) and 14 (Airlocked) are short in terms of drafting, so I'll combine them into one section here. Ch. 13 (Upheaval) was about taking down SHIELDRA in a better manner than the mess that was CA:TWS. And (Name) also forces Steve and Natasha to fess up immediately about Tony's parent's murderer. ((Name) threatens them.)

As for Ch. 14 (Airlocked), it's pretty much a filler chapter of sorts. (Name) graduates, there's now an official class-action lawsuit against Ross, also now keeping an eye on Baron Zemo, and we see some progression on Barne's therapy session. Not much, but some.

I really was not looking forward to these two chapters, as I knew they were gonna be boring as hell.

Ch. 15 (Spiralling) has actual written chunks. It's basically about the early prevention of Ultron. The Avengers go to a Sokovian HYDRA base, take out baddies, and the Super Twins get captured first- wow! But not before Wanda does... something to (Name), causing you to hallucinate and lose contact with the team- uh oh!

But don't worry! You get run over by a car. Lol. Below is what I had written for it, sans minor text.

A/N: In Ch. 7 (Summer), there was a 'dream-sequence' that happened where (Name) was on Titan with Tony, Peter, Stephen, and the GOTG. I've now decided that in canon, (Name) was not on Titan- instead, you were on Earth instead during IW helping at Wakanda. Just a brief plot-hole wrap-up; let's imply that (Name) had watched video footage of the fight at Titan via Tony's suit afterward, and that's where the nightmare came from. Okay bye.

(VERY abrupt start into the story, not meant to be the start of the chapter in the final draft, just where I wanted to start writing. Intro to Wanda.)

You jerked your head, catching a glimpse of brunette hair in the corner of your eyes. You swung your gauntlet instinctively and made instant contact with whatever was next to you. Flutters of red wisps followed your eyes, and you instantly knew what just happened as a body dropped next to you.

You grunted and leaned onto the nearest wall, watching the girl's limp body with caution. Your shoulder plate lifted, and a tranquilizing dart connected to her thigh.

Just in case.

"Guys, I- I've been- ugh..." You wanted to vomit, the pounding in your head worsening with each millisecond that passes. Already, your surroundings distort you with each blink, walls melting and the floor sinking in on itself. "I've been- com-," you swallowed back your bile, "-compromised... Sending- location... Ergh..."

You didn't even have enough time to hear a response before the whole world around you shifted. You squeezed your eyes shut, trying to calm your thundering heartbeat. The pounding got worse as the armor around you dissipated into nothing but the under-suit you were wearing. Before, where there were the shouting and gunshots, is now replaced with an eerie silence filled with just your laborious breathing.

You didn't know the full extent of what visions you were about to see, but you needed to remember that none of this is real. Scientifically, that was your only safe haven from possibly losing your mind for what's about to come. And it was worse because you had no idea what visions you'd see. Would you see Thanos? The Chitauri, just like your father once had? Or would it be something more close to home; the bunker? Tony's dead body, splayed with vomit around him, frostbitten to the touch and still like a marbled statue?

Ready to go up and arms at whatever it was you're about to see, you cautiously opened your eyes.

(Line break, there's meant to be an "oh shit" line, like "Only, you were met with eyes far too similar to yours." but I still didn't know what I wanted to do for the hallucination sequence. Maybe meeting an older you, a younger you, or your dream life without the Avengers or meta-humans.)

(Below is an abrupt shift in the story; same general setting, but outside POV! What I had was dialogue only, alternating between people in bold, as a POV switch.)

(Name) "Guys, I- I've been- ugh... I've been- com-compromised... Sending- location... Ergh..."

(Steve) "Apex, do you copy? (Name)!"

(Steve) "Shit, (Name) isn't answering! Tony!"

(Tony) "Got his location, he's inside the base. J.A.R.V.I.S., what's his status?"

(J.A.R.V.I.S.) "I'm sorry, Sir, but it appears that I am not in contact with his suit."

(Tony) "Wha- the hell do you mean you're not in contact?!"

(J.A.R.V.I.S.) "I cannot connect to his suit; it appears that Young Sir has somehow deprogrammed me from his suit."

(Tony) "Wha-!"

(J.A.R.V.I.S.) "However, it seems as if there is an A.I. present nonetheless. Though..."

(J.A.R.V.I.S.) "I do not recognize the code. Would you like me to attempt at forming a mode of communication?"

(Tony) "Yeah, just- God, make sure (Name)'s okay, please."

(J.A.R.V.I.S.) "On it."

(J.A.R.V.I.S.) "Establishing a connection."

(DAHLIA) "Mister Stark?"

(Tony) "Wha- I'm sorry- who are you?"

(DAHLIA), ignoring Tony, "An enhanced got to (Name). The operative is down, but (Name)'s experiencing hallucinations. I can't get through to him- you need to get to him, now. I fear he may hurt himself more than he already has."

(DAHLIA) "And if I may be privy to a request?"

(Tony) "What?"

(DAHLIA) "Don't bring Rogers." (I don't remember why I wrote this bit.)

(Steve) "Any updates on (Name)?"

(Tony) "Yep, and by the looks of it," there was a loud boom coming from the base, and as Tony looked up to see an all too familiar suit fly out of the building. Or, rather, flying was an interesting way to put it- it was more of a free-falling more than anything else.

(Steve) "What was that?"

(Tony) "That was (Name), and he's not havin' a great time I'll tell you that."

His voice was light and joking, but he'd be lying if he didn't say that his heart wasn't in his throat by the sight of you flying out of the building and falling back into the forests.

(Line break, another POV switch)

Steve sprinted towards the loud boom, movements quick and calculated, but mind racing a thousand miles an hour. He saw a red and gold glint fly up above him, zipping in and out between trees gracefully.

(Line break, but no switch, same place. Another story POV shift, sort of. Steve makes contact with (Name), or so he thinks.)

"(Name)? Hey, do you copy?"

The suit was eerily silent, glowing eyes that once gave comfort to the soldier now bringing nothing but an awful, gripping dread; one that he'd get when there were Nazi soldiers nearby, but he couldn't tell where even with his enhanced senses. The suit gave away nothing that usually screamed out everything that was you- no head swaying, no restless and constantly shifting feet, only a stillness that looked so unnatural. Almost as if there was no one in there.

"(Name)?"

There was no response from you.

The hairs on Steve's neck stood up, everything in his system suddenly screaming to get out of there, run, leave, get away from the suit, but he ignored it as he took a cautious step forward.

Again, you didn't seem to react.

Then, the suit took a step forward.

Then another one.

And another one.

"(Name)-"

Before he could say anything more, the suit lunged forward. Only for a moment could Steve react, but even he wasn't as fast as you could be when you're in the suit. He raised his shield, ready to be shot at, but only the sound of harsh metal on metal makes it to his ears. By the sounds of it, it sounded like Tony had managed to land a direct hit on you, from wherever position he was at. Cautiously, Steve lowers his shield to look.

But instead of the familiar red and gold suit of armor greeting him, it's the sight of two (color) suits wrestling on the ground with each other that manages to sucker-punch all air from his lungs.

(Basically, you went bat shit insane and got out of the older suit, then prematurely activating the nano suit instead, in a fit of panicked hallucination. The older suit, now operating by DAHLIA, was trying to protect Steve from being ambushed by (Name), and now they're wrestling.)

(Another big break, but I think I had a hallucination sequence from (Name)'s POV planned here. Not sure what I was gonna do here since I planned this like, maybe in 2018, early 2019. It's... 2021 now...)

"-(Name)!"

Your eyes widened as the world around you suddenly shifts out of existence, and instead, you're outside in the dim, snowy alps once again. Someone called out to you, you don't know who, but there's a light in the corner of your eyes that's so goddamn bright. You turn your head in the direction of the light, and amidst all of the yelling and gunshots, DAHLIA's cool, chilling voice rings the loudest in your ear.

"Aborting protoc-"

And then the world turned black.

Ch. 16 (Enflamed) also has written text. Basically, you're recovering from being caught slipping by a car, the team is now aware of certain secrets you've been keeping behind their backs, and you realize that you have to get back to Barnes to let him know you're okay.

This chapter was meant to be focused on the twins, but I guess I forgot that as I was "writing" it. Basically, the gist was that their parent's deaths weren't by officially licensed Stark tech (maybe even a counterfeit since Stark weapons are the best, and don't malfunction as it did in WandaVision ep. 8). Maybe HYDRA was the one that did it in order to recruit more people. Or something like that. Basically, Tony wasn't the one who authorized those weapons to be sold and used there, but it was Stane. Either way, they get their own healthy moment to mourn and lament over it all.

Here's the text below. Italics for a dream sequence, since you were unconscious/ in a coma from being bOnked on by a car.

"Hey, sweetheart."

You smile, turning around to face the voice only to be greeted with lips on yours. You chuckle, amused that this was the first thing you'd be greeted with, but lean into the kiss anyways as you wrapped your fingers around their cheek.

They pull back first, but their eyes are warm as they smile, lingering in the space between the two of you. Where their hands laid on your hips, your skin burned bright hot, but you paid no mind to it.

(There's supposed to be more, maybe foreshadowing, but I stopped here in terms of the dream sequence. Jump cut to another POV, but you're waking up!)

(Name) "Hnng..."

(Steve) "Stay down! You're in no condition to move at all, just- just rest, okay? The doctors- and- your dad are coming."

(Steve) "How're you feeling? You want some water?"

You tried to turn your head to look at the blonde but hissed suddenly.

(Name) "S'nnof'a' b'ch..." (Son of a bitch.)

Steve helped you settle back onto your pillow- which even he'll admit doesn't look like the most comfortable setting in the world.

"Language, (Name)..."

He reprimanded, but there's no heat in his words as he's just so thankful that you're even capable of forming any words, no matter how profane they may be.

Beside him, Clint laughs a bit too loud for comfort. Steve wants to tell him to be quiet, as he's sure you're sensitive to noise right now, but God he can't blame the archer for his overwhelming relief.

Lord knows Clint wasn't the only one to stress over their youngest Avenger.

"First words after a damn coma, and it's 'son of a bitch'! I told you he's a fighter!"

"Of course he is, he's a Stark after all."

All eyes turn to see the billionaire and assassin walk into the room. They look clean and pristine as always, but by the slight sheen of sweat on both of them, Steve knew they rushed here as soon as word spread that you were awake.

(Natasha) "Tooting your own horn a little much there?"

Natasha's smile betrays her words as she looks fondly from the senior Stark to the junior. Even the ironclad wall she has up 24/7 has a soft spot for the team's junior member.

(Especially for the junior member, but you didn't hear that from Steve.)

(Tony) "It's both of our horns, excuse you."

Tony turns his attention to you and places a gentle hand on your shoulder.

"You sure took a hit back there, champ."

"Mmm... 'm feel like a... Nn... A damn Make A W'sh kid...", (Mm, am feeling like a damn Make A Wish kid...) your eyes, though blown out from still being drugged up, wandered across each Avenger. You frowned, then smirked- well, as best as you could, anyways.

"Where's th' Hul'k? T'or?" (Where's the Hulk? Thor? (As a joke, since usually the whole gang visits, but they're missing))

"Relax junior, you're not that special. We can only afford so many Avengers to visit you."

Despite his harsh words, Tony places a kiss right on your forehead. Your eyes flutter closed, lashes delicately batting as Tony leans away.

(Big block of nothing, there were supposed to be more text here, more dialogue or something. Same setting!)

(Tony) "So. We need to talk about what happened back there. Y'know. The brand-smackin' new A.I. that's in your suit- she's been awfully quiet. Oh, and the- lord, the thing's a work of art- the- what is it? Nanite suit? That's in a collar- a collar? I mean, I'm not one to judge questionable fashion statements, but-"

(Steve, or someone else) "Tony."

(Tony) "Right- but, we are going to talk about all that, okay?"

"L'ter, ple's? Am tir'd..." (Later, please? Am tired.)

"An' b'sides, chok'r's fun..." (And besides, chokers are fun.)

(Line break, basically, you remember you have a certain Winter Soldier that's been sitting at home without any word from you.)

’Oh fuck.’

(Big line break, basically, you get discharged from the hospital, and now you visit the safehouse Barnes is in to check up on him.)

It was eerily quiet when you opened the door to the safe house. You limped into the door, thankful that the ride on the way back, there were no paparazzi to see you leave at all. (Really, Happy should get a raise.) Lord knows how much of a rile that'll get out of the news media.

'Avengers' Golden Boy: Fatally Injured?' or something dumb like that.

You'd love to roll your eyes, but the tension that's coiling up in your gut surpasses the want as you slowly step into the house. It's warm, more so than the slow brewing chill that's been tempering outside. James never liked the cold, but even so, the house was warmer than you remembered. His shoes are still near the doorway, in the exact place that you remembered it to be, so he definitely hasn't gone anywhere.

(Though, the alerts that were on your phone from DAHLIA definitely show that he wanted to.)

For a brief moment, you were concerned that there wasn't enough food; but even then, DAHLIA would still be up, so she could place an online order to refill the fridge at a moment's notice, so it's not like James (even with his super-soldiered appetite) would starve himself here.

You quietly slipped out of your shoes, slowly as to not incur another cramp in your back, and stepped into the hallway barefooted. You glance into each room you pass by, but not a single sign of the soldier was anywhere to be found.

You stopped when you stood in front of one specific lounge room; yours and James' favorite lounge room.

Lurking into the room, you glanced around.

The room looked exactly like how it did days before when you were still conscious. There are a few mugs strewn about. Most empty, conjoined in one area of the table (James' area), but there's one that's filled with your favorite drink. A drink that you don't remember making for yourself.

And it's placed right in front of your favorite chair, too. Something squeezes at your heartstrings as you couldn't help but smile fondly.

It's gone cold, you absently note as you dip a finger into it. Wiping your finger on your pants, you grabbed it and the rest of the empty cups, making a note to place them into the dishwasher when you make it into the kitchen.

"James?"

You called out, but only your voice echoed back. The cups quietly rattled with each step, and it's not long before you make it into the kitchen. It, too, looks the same, but there's a thin layer of dust only a clean freak would notice. The sink is empty and clear of any beads of water. Unused for a little bit, you concluded.

Yeesh.

You placed all of the cups into the dishwasher, which was also dry and empty as well. Sighing, you turned on the machine and jumped out of your skin when you felt a pair of built arms wrap themselves around you tightly.

It only takes a split second for you to realize that, no, this is not some ax murderer that's about to choke the life out of you, it's just James.

James who, apparently, is holding you flush against his chest, fingers curling themselves against your bandaged abdomen. You held back a wince of pain, careful not to make your breathing waver, as James nuzzle his whole head against the crook of your neck.

(Honestly, for someone named the Winter Soldier, he sure is warm because whew, boy-)

"Ja-"

"I thought you were gone."

His name is caught in your throat as James' voice- gritty, deep, unused- rumbles into your skin. You freeze, unsure of what to say to that as you shuddered, suddenly breathless as he mouths at your neck. Your ears turn bright red as he takes that moment to speak up, not once letting up on his fingers ghosting a trail on each muscle on your abdomen.

"You were gone. One second you were in my arms, and the next... The next, DAHLIA's tellin' me you're in a damn coma."

You winced, not sure how to respond to both what he said or the growl that accompanied it. You looked up at the camera that was in a nearby corner and threw it a withering glance, feeling slightly betrayed by DAHLIA for telling James that.

Thankfully (or probably not), James isn't really looking for a response as he continues on.

"Моя звездная пыль (My stardust)," Russian slips out, bringing a chill up your spine as bits of Winter spills out from James' fingertips, "The witch got to you, didn't she?"

Goosebumps raised on your skin, and to your silence, James snarled. You can barely feel his teeth graze on your nape, and you really don't know if you should feel embarrassed or something else.

And wow, okay, maybe you should tell James to ease up on the "hug", because holy shit, his grip's getting tighter and it's starting to actually hurt.

(Ah, he might tear the stitches.)

"HYDRA сукa...! Я убью ее...!" (HYDRA bitch...! I'll kill her...!)

You huffed, still red in the face as he hasn't even nudged away from letting you go. You patted his forearm, signaling for him to loosen up his grip, and to his credit, he does. Barely, but it was still something.

"I dunno what ya' just said in Russian, but I know what Hydra сукa means. No cussing in Russian, only in English."

He mumbles something incoherent into your shoulder, rubbing circles into your stomach with a tantalizingly slow speed. You coughed; in literally any other situation this would be one of the hottest things you've ever experienced, but considering that James was more Winter than James right now, and your stomach is literally burning in pain from the rubbing, you opted to ignore the fact that you really liked that James was this close and spoke up.

"Not to alarm you or anything, but uh, if you keep rubbing my stomach like that," your breath hitched, the pain starting to become a little too much, "I'm gonna pass out from the pain," you said, with clenched teeth.

(End of what I had written down. Anyways, not sure where I was gonna go from here.)

Ch. 17-20 are relatively short in terms of what I had written down.

Ch. 17 (Reconditioning) has 3 things typed down:

integrating the twins, thoughts of integrating bucky

supreme distrust between you and the twins

meanwhile maybe thoughts from twins abt you? you're around their age

3rd bullet introduces the idea that they might be love interests. Maybe. Shrugs. That chapter would be heavier on the character developments of the twins, both as their own persons and their relationship with you, specifically. They don't like you because you're Tony's son, still some bitter feelings there, and you don't like them because... Well... there's just a lot of bad feelings. They helped kill J.A.R.V.I.S. in your original timeline. Wanda basically fucked off with Vision. She antagonized Tony. (And there is a hypocrisy there since I would've written you to have done the same thing there. (Name) isn't perfect.)

You just didn't get along with Pietro since, back when he wasn't dead, you were immature and not yet accustomed to dealing with people who're purposefully frustrating/ teasing/ mocking/ etc. Nothing really personal with him, it's Wanda that you had beef with. But you'll get over it one day.

Ch. 18 (Longstanding) is shorter.

you and james have a talk, and after a year or two being solitary, you agree that he should be in the avengers

he joins the avengers

That's it, that's the chapter.

Ch. 19 (Accountability) deals with newer Accords (not a Sokovian one! Just from the proposed need for accountability).

It goes better around this time, as basically all of the Avengers agree to it, with their own caveats of course. Steve especially, but of course, he's willing to work with the governments about it this time around. Also, Peter Parker gets introduced, in accordance with the "underaged enhanced/ superheroes" clause, or some bull like that.

Ch. 20 (Wakanda) is basically the intro to CA:CW but like, civilized. No bombing since Zemo still has his family. Introduces Wakanda, and T'Challa as a potential love interest. If you're interested in IronPanther, I highly recommend reading the IronPanther Collection by Okyverlo on AO3. It's great and got me a lot of interest in T'Challa as a love interest.

As for official chapters with the plot, that's about it. I wasn't sure what to do afterward.

There were some loose ideas I had about what would happen to (Name). Maybe the truth is revealed, that you're actually from the future, and Dr. Strange separates past and future you into two separate bodies. Future! you into your original future body, and past! you into the current body. Past! you still have the same memories and thoughts that future! you had, but with less angst. Future! you is noticeably more depressed and just a bummer. Lol.

And after that, 2023! you would go back to the future where you belonged, and Past! you would stay in the present since, duh, that's still Past! you's original timeline. It's a little confusing when I type it down haha.

I was thinking maybe 2023! you would pair up with Steve since you realized how burdensome it is to continue to resent someone. Now you understood what Tony meant.

And Past! you would definitely pair up with James, but maybe Steve too. A nice lil' polygamous relationship.

Now here's the other, non-official chapters.

2 What If's, and 3 Specials, in the order they're listed at the moment.

What If (2013 Counterpart) plays with an initial idea I had, where Past! (Name) was actually sent into the future into 2023! (Name)'s body during the prologue. Not sure where I was gonna go with this chapter, but I really wanted to mess with that possibility, and show just how immature and teenager-y Past! you were.

What If (Swapped Places) plays with the idea that you and Tony, in the original timeline, had swapped places. You were on Titan with Spiderman, Dr. Strange, and the GOTG, while Tony was on Earth with everyone else. That's all I had planned. Maybe you actually won and managed to get the gauntlet off of Thanos when you realized that Peter Quill was about to go crazy over his ex's death, and you knocked him down in time.

Special (Find My Body, Only At The Oak Tree), deals with you and your depression over the reality that you might have to relive the blip again, and aside from the Avengers, you really don't have anyone else and nothing's worth really living for at this point. I actually have a lot written for this one. Not sure if I wanted this to be canon.

Trigger warning: suicidal tendencies.

(Below is the general idea I had for the plot.)

(names) birthdays across the years so far

we see slow mental deterioration of (name) as he aches

we see as we reach closer and closer to the deadline, (name) dreads even thinking about thanos and wants to die before even looking at him, a symbol of their failure

lowkey highkey suicidal

___

The first time you celebrated your 17th birthday was in 2014.

The second time you celebrated your 17th birthday was also in 2014... Obviously.

The first time you celebrated your 17th birthday, the whole tower was flooded with people who you knew and people who you couldn't care to know. It was filled with what little was left of your friend group outside of the Avengers; it was also filled with the rich, the pompous, the irritating of New York.

You got into a yelling match with your dad that night, over something you couldn't even bother to remember, and stormed off into your room, fuming as the party still went on without their birthday boy present.

(It's always like that as if you're replaceable. Surely, you must be; the Avengers can and will, if need be, exist without you.)

The second time you celebrated your 17th birthday, you told your dad you wanted it to be small and personal. Only the Avengers were there, as a few days ago did you spend a pre-birthday celebration with some of your high school 'friends' (which only mainly consisted of playing Smash Bros Brawl in your room and eating an ungodly amount of junk food as you fake laughed along with their shitty jokes.) (Steve promptly made you burn those calories off in training.).

(What Steve doesn't know is that you purposefully ate that much to train with him; otherwise, you had the whole day off the next day.

You didn't want to be alone.)

It was sweet as everyone gave their gifts to you (which you already knew what it was, but said nothing of it), and as everyone got drunk off of the expensive liquor or Asgardian mead, you quietly snuck out of the building and back into the safe house where James was waiting for you.

(He waits, but how much of it is because he has no other choice?

It is not like that, you keep reminding yourself.

Who is to say, other than you?

James never says anything of it, and you start to wonder if he feels as if he has no choice.

As if he feels like he's been made another prisoner, once again.

At what point, what is separating the distinction between you and HYDRA, in his mind?

You're not too keen on finding out the answer anytime soon.)

The whole way there, you thought of nothing in particular.

You quietly celebrated with him too, shared a few slices of cake he made just for you before you quietly said goodnight to him. He kissed you on the cheek, said a simple goodnight, and slipped away into his own bedroom.

Meanwhile, you spent the rest of the night drinking too much alcohol, alone, in the dark of your room, staring at nothing in particular, thinking about nothing in particular.

The next morning, you jokingly wished you had just died last night as you're bent over the toilet emptying your stomach contents.

___

The first time you celebrated your 18th birthday, you spent it outside in another country with your friends.

The second time you celebrated your 18th birthday party, you rented out a bumper kart arena with the Avengers.

The first time you celebrated your 18th birthday, you tried desperately to hang onto the remaining friends you had outside of the Avengers, a chance to feel normal for once. You practically went hiking across Europe and into Asia over the week of your birthday, and by God did you visit so many places. From the Louvre to the casinos in New Deli, you trekked everywhere with your friends and acted as a cash pig for their endeavors under the guise of celebrating your birthday. Least to say, you always got 'accidentally' blackout drunk on multiple occasions, oblivious to their actions.

Later you found out and cut them off instantly without another word. They didn't seem to notice that you stopped talking to them.

It hurt.

Pointless of you to try to maintain that friendship.

So on your next 18th birthday, having long forgone those friendships ages ago, you suggested going bumper karting with the Avengers. Bruce operated as the 'coach' of sorts, but he seemed to have enjoyed it as well.

It was fun, obviously.

It went on for a few hours, as you all had made up mini-games to play along with as they got bored of chasing after each other aimlessly for half an hour. A few games had you pairing up with some of the Avengers; the other had them actually using their skills to try to maim each other.

(Wanda at one point lifted everyone into the air as Pietro zoomed through the rink; though, he did slip and slam into the wall. Everyone laughed, but it was interrupted as Wanda promptly dropped everyone out of shock.

Everyone was too busy in their own shock as well to notice your labored breathes, wild crazed eyes, or how you clawed viciously at your throat at the sight of Wanda's red wisps. Your fingers were tinted a sick vermilion.

Thankfully, the arena was relatively dim, so no one could tell what just happened.)

It was fun. Everyone didn't hold their shoves back, and when things riled up, it turned into who would break a bone first. No one did, but everyone was definitely sore afterward. Of course, the enhanced ones didn't limp as much, but it made your limp nothing out of the ordinary.

(You tried your most damn not to just collapse completely, both exhaustion and pain threatening to snap your spine into little bits and pieces.

You jokingly wished it did.)

Thankfully, during the whole ordeal, no one noticed how you didn't avoid obvious hits, instead opting to just get harshly jostled in your kart and neck snapped haphazardly to the side at the sudden jolt. Or how you 'accidentally' keep forgetting to put on your seat belt or keep your fingers inside the kart.

Or at least, if they noticed, no one said anything as you limped around the tower the next day, bruises marred everywhere on your skin, a sheen of sweat blanketed on your skin throughout the whole day.

___

The first time you celebrated your 19th birthday, you were too swamped with both college and SI to actually... Celebrate.

You didn't even realize it was your birthday. No one did, actually; it took one of your professors to comment on how your name was trending on Twitter to actually get you to realize what the day was.

But even that didn't change your schedule, and as you moved on with your day, so did Twitter and the Avengers.

You never got to celebrate your 19th birthday, too swamped with other things to care.

The second time you celebrated your 19th birthday, you had too much free time in the world.

It ended up being just like your 17th. The Avengers had a little get-together (they remembered this time; what made it so different?) and all of them got drunk wildly off their asses. Once again, you slipped away from the main lounge, and stalked silently, blank-faced, towards a balcony.

You adjusted your collar appropriately and stood there. You stared outside into the bustling busy streets of New York, the city that never sleeps.

(Strange, that it's named that when often times it's the quietest whenever you're there to see it.)

You spend maybe 10 minutes standing there, staring into the oblivion that is New York.

And then, you climbed onto the railings.

Standing there, there was no rush of adrenaline that coursed its way through your veins, nor was there any fear or dread.

Only an overwhelming and crippling exhaustion that made waves through your body. No longer are you in your 19-year-old body, but your 27th. No longer are you in your younger, former self; one that shone brightly above the others, aspiring as both a heroic figure and one that would help pave the way towards a better, peaceful world.

No, instead, your soul feels like it's settled deep into your bones, an aching tire that keeps rocking and rattling at your already fractured, beaten down body, laughing at how pathetic you look.

(You're so tired.

You just wanted to live normally.

You never can, you eventually come to realize on your first 24th birthday.

That thought, now fully realized, would come to permeate it's way deep into your bones.)

All you wanted to do was to just take one step forward, off of the railing that you're so delicately balanced upon, and dive into air headfirst.

Really, all it takes is just one step.

And truly, you've never felt more at peace as your body dropped from the railings, descended quickly towards the streets below you.

What should've been a quick few seconds of a dive felt like an eternity drowning in a bottomless pool. The lights of New York flashed and beamed at you, but it changed rapidly from one to another. Your throat closes, shuttering, and you want so desperately to start screaming.

Only, no one would hear them.

The winds would carry away your screams, rushing a sound of its own that would overpower yours.

You wonder, absently, was this similar to what Rhodey felt that day?

Well.

You'd never really find out, now, will you?

Too late to ask.

(There's no way to get back home.

You can never see Morgan again- the Morgan that called you her big Care Bear, the Morgan that cried and threw a temper tantrum because you forgot to give her a goodnight kiss.

You can never see mom and dad again- while they're still here, it's just not the same. You'll never get to see the same Pepper who was so relieved just to see you alive after the Battle of Wakanda, even if you were practically on your death bed. You'll never get to see the same Tony who you spent hours crying into the shoulder of after the Blip.

You can never see the same Steve, Natasha, Rhodey, anyone, ever again.

Years spent just trying to be better, to help the world, to mend and build any relationships you could, gone.

And even if they weren't?

There's just no way to get back home anymore. Not back to the person you used to be.)

The next day, you got an earful from your parents when photos of your falling body appear all over the internet. All the meanwhile, you're not really listening to them, just staring right back at them.

Odd.

('When did you start looking at me with contempt?', you'd ask one day.

Tony just stares at you, then out the window. In his hand, he's holding a cup of coffee; in yours, water. You've since stopped drinking anything remotely sugary, caffeinated, or alcoholic, though you've never told anyone why.

'When did you start mistaking concern with contempt.', he responded, though it was more of a statement rather than a question.

You stared at him, then followed his gaze out the window.

Neither of you says anything, even as the hours go by in the blink of an eye.)

(That's all I had written down so far. Not sure where I wanted to go with this afterwards.)

Special (Vapidity, Testament To Absence) deals with future DAHLIA realizing what it means to mourn someone.

The house is empty.

It is an irrelevant thought, DAHLIA notes.

Technically speaking, the house has been empty quite often than not; after all, you were a busy man with an equally busy schedule. Being the CEO of SI and a huge contributing factor to the world's rebuilding made it more or less impossible for you to stay at home for long. Though, she also doesn't linger long in the house, either. But she's still there regardless, even if she's also with you on the other side of the planet for diplomatic reasons.

She knows of the emptiness inside this house; it was never an unfamiliar concept.

But with this emptiness, she's never once associated loneliness with it either.

It's a bit better when Virginia occasionally comes around to the house to do some maintenance. She might even bring along little Morgan with her.

("You keep saying she's a pest, but I know I sure as hell ain't the one that keeps shifting the TV to the kids' channels when she's around," you comment, not even taking your eyes off of the pan. DAHLIA says nothing towards your accusations, instead opting to tell you that you're burning your eggs.

You aren't, but she says nothing amidst your panic.)

A few others occasionally visit, too, much to DAHLIA's internal disapproval.

Rogers used to visit every day ever since she first noted the emptiness. His behavior was also peculiar. He'd prowl around the house, pausing here and there at random parts of the house. He'd often just... Stand there, seemingly looking at nothing for a long period, before jolting back and continue what he was doing. She's thankful that he hasn't noted her silence when he's around.

Often Banner would come along too, and he'd be talking quietly with Rogers. As of recently, they've stopped visiting though. Probably because of the recent news (that (Name) might still be alive, just lost in time), DAHLIA almost bitterly notes.

James ("Just call him Rhodey- literally no one calls him James nowadays." you laugh, eyes crinkling with amusement) visits too. He doesn't linger for long, but he makes sure to check up on DAHLIA, help tend to the flowers... She'd even dare say she wishes he'd visit more often.

Peter also visits here and there as well. He often comes with Morgan and Virginia, but there have been a few occasions where he's come here by himself. He'd spend most of his time in the garden, your favorite place. And when he's alone, she'd given him privacy out of respect, but even at a long distance, she can hear him talking by himself. He'd come back eyes red and swollen, but he's always smiling afterward.

A few others have visited too, but not as often as the others. Though, none of that really helps negate the emptiness she feels as she wordlessly navigates through a routine she devoted herself to after your disappearance.

And the final chapter, Special (Chemically Compromised) is basically a fluff filler with (Name) chaperoning Peter's field trip, inspired by an Instagram post.

Written in bits and pieces, unfinished. Not sure if I wanted it to be romantic (the name implies it in a nerdy way) or just a fun, platonic, "dude you're literally embarrassing me" way.

(Peter) "I can't believe you're doing this...!"

(Name) "What? What's wrong with this?"

Pan to (Name) dressing like he's a Typical, Normal Civilian Man, but it's clearly (Name) Stark, son of Tony Stark, and an Avenger.

(Peter) "I don't need you to chaperone my field trip...! May could've done this-"

(Name) "No, she really couldn't, sweetheart. She's got a busy shift, and even told me that no one else's parents was free."

(Name) "Listen- this really could have gone worse if, say, Tony, knew. God knows Tony would've dropped everythin' and just embarrass ya- he did that shit to me every chance he got," Peter winces, almost forgetting that Tony was still your dad, and a chill ran up his spine as he imagined what it would have been like for you.

(Peter) "But still..."

(Name) "Don't worry, I'll just wear a cap and sunglasses."

(Peter) "That can't possibly work."

(Name) "You'd be surprised- Sam's standin' down there, right near that phone booth."

Peter's head snapped over to where you were pointing at, and indeed, right on the floors of the Manhattan streets, there was a relatively built black guy that's wearing a cap, sunglasses, and a brown leather jacket. Peter tilted his head.

He hasn't been around Sam all that much, but he still knows what the Avenger looked like. But even then, he wasn't sure if that man was actually Sam. He's built right, but Peter can't see much of his hair or eyes. Plus, he's kind of far away.

He squinted at the man, before glancing back at you, now unsure of himself.

(Peter) "That's really the Falcon?"

You stared at him, before snorting.

(Name) "Nah, I'm joshin' ya, that's just some random guy...", you glance at the man, sniffing, "... Probably."

That's... pretty much it. That's all I had for Restart, as far as writing goes.

Now here are some closing thoughts, just to wrap all of this up nice and tight, sort of.

I'm not really happy with how the initial chapters were paced and how they were written. My writing style has mildly changed, and if I had the motivation to, I'd love to rewrite them. But alas, I don't.

I think about this story often; or at least, variations of it. It's like when you daydream, and you restart it but to the left. But unfortunately, writing a plot without too many plot holes while remaining as canonically correct as possible, and making it interesting without being a complete word-by-word remake of the movies, is difficult.

I'm not sure if I would ever pick up this story again, especially since this whole chapter told you what I had in store anyways.

Thank you to those who took the time out of their day to write nice and encouraging comments about this story. It's unfortunate it had to end this way, but I'm glad it happened anyways. And hopefully, it's the same for you.

And remember: the one thing writers love to do is talk about their story! If you have any other comments, questions, or just general thoughts about the story, I'd love to discuss it further!

Anyways. If you're reading this now, thanks for sticking with Restart for as long as you did.

_____

Masterlist

_____

I know I had people on the tagged list, but it’s a bit hard to get them all as URL’s change, so I opted not to. Sorry!

#male reader #avengers x male reader #steve rogers x male reader #bucky barnes x male reader #avengers #reader insert #avengers x reader #restart

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writing-in-april · 4 years ago

Text

The Five Stages of Grief

Stage five: Acceptance (5/5)

Spencer Reid x Gender Neutral Reader (Spencer’s POV)

Thanks to @zhuzhubii who helped me so much with this series and made this gif for me 🥰

Summary: Spencer going through each of the stages of grief after the death of the reader. Stage five is acceptance.

A/N: Can’t believe my first series on here is done!!! I’m not gonna lie you guys this chapter is super emotional for me- I no joke cried the whole time while writing it and while rereading to edit. I basically have been going through the same thing recently with my Nana. This chapter is very close to my heart and is definitely the most personal chapter for me. The whole series is actually heavily inspired by season 3 episode 19 -one of my favorite episodes of criminal minds- and I also used elements from season 3 episode 15. This also kinda helps explain a lot of my writing choices throughout the whole series if you’re curious. I did my first real attempt at foreshadowing in this series, I hope you all enjoy it! Thank you for all the love and support on this series- with a special thanks to @spencerreidsmiles and @andiebeaword -you all have been so lovely and amazing.

Warnings (All warnings for the whole series are on series Masterlist): Sad Spencer, References to past drug use, References to past suicidal behaviors, Small panic attack, Hopeful Spencer, Unreliable narrator (much less so in this chapter)

Main Masterlist | The 5 Stages Masterlist Word Count: 3.5k (longest chapter)

It’s been a year; One full year since they had died in my arms. One full year since they had been shot so cruelly by a heartless unsub in an alley. One full year since I had been graced with their presence and the sound of their voice.

The elements of my emotions were extremely complex according to my therapist, and surprisingly I found myself starting to feel the benefits with them more every time I went to an individual session or a group session. It was hard for me to realize that I would have to learn to accept my situation.

It was hard to learn how to understand my own emotions when I had been so willing to shut them out, to try and convince myself that they didn’t exist.

I had begun to learn that I carried around the water that felt like I could drown in, the fire that burned so hot that anyone near it would get burned, the earth that I had wished would bury me with the pebbles I had chosen to cope with, and even the polluted air of my sadness around with me everyday. But, now I somewhat accepted the fact that they would always be with me, or at least I was trying to.

I had to learn to accept.

Even if it hurt I had to learn to at least try.

The next goal I had been given by the therapist was the most daunting of my tasks yet in my opinion. Trying to convince myself to open the boxes in the corner of the bedroom I had once shared with Y/N was harder than trying to get clean. The thought that had propelled me forward into getting clean was that I felt as though I would be disrespecting Y/N by not staying clean. They had been the reason all those years ago that I had spilled the clear liquid down the toilet and I needed to do it again, if only for them.

The boxes were something that were easier to ignore. I could ignore them by turning my back to the stack of boxes, choosing instead to stare at the painted walls of my apartment instead. There was no reason for me to stop ignoring the boxes, no one was trying to pressure me to open them besides my therapist. Everyone else in my life had no expectations for me to open them at any time, if ever, including Y/N’s family.

But, it had begun to feel like maybe I could try to attempt to open the boxes. I wasn’t sure what had finally prompted my brain into thinking that perhaps it would be a good thing to stop ignoring it. I stopped trying to understand why my mind works the way it does long ago, I had poured enough time into my life thinking about that.

I had felt this overwhelming urge to be able to look back at things that once belonged to them with some semblance of peace. I wanted to enjoy the memories we had together once more. I was tired of letting the memories get soiled by the unsub, I deserved to still think back on the one that I loved with a smile. I deserved to be able to preserve their memories with happiness and not let them sour with sadness. I wouldn’t let the unsub be able to kill something else while he was behind bars, my memories.

I was ready.

I was ready to open those boxes.

I was ready to at least try.

I was ready to try and look back at the memories.

I wasn’t going to let their memory die too.

My first attempt to open the boxes in the corner of my bedroom consisted of me staring for two hours at the stacks. I knew that I at least wanted to try to attempt to open a box, even if it was the smallest of the bunch.

That day I had gotten the lid of one of the boxes open. That was as much as I could handle emotionally in that moment. There was a small part of myself that wanted to push myself to look inside the box, but I couldn’t do it that night. That night I laid down on the bed, again facing the wall, unwilling to look at the boxes. I knew if I did I’d feel as if I had failed and I had to keep trying to convince myself that small progress was still progress.

I tried again despite the swirling anxiety in the hole in my chest.

I was still willing because I still wanted to have my memories unsullied by sadness.

I still knew that I deserved that despite my volatile elemental emotions threatening to push me into another toxic loop.

The next time I tried to look in the box I had previously opened just a little I immediately got choked, recognizing the contents sat at the top surrounded by other smaller insignificant items. I only managed to grab one of their old tchotchkes that used to sit on their desk in the bullpen. It was insignificant enough of an item that it didn’t make me fall into an endless loop of my emotions. I clutched it all night while I tried to sleep, though I still faced away from the boxes.

I hadn’t given up yet I still wanted to try, if only for them.

I would still try for them, even if I didn’t succeed, I still felt better for trying.

It had taken me awhile to muster up the courage to look at the box again, even though I still wanted to try I was scared that the contents would be too much for my fragile psyche. What I had gotten a glimpse of at the top of the box was something that used to be important for Y/N.

The next time I tried to look I successfully managed to pick up the item that had triggered the painful memory in my mind. It was ironically, it was another box.

The box wasn’t something that was explicitly tied to memories that we shared together. I knew it to be a music box from their childhood, given to them by someone that had meant so much to them. Out of curiosity I cranked the knob on the side and slowly opened the lid, wondering if I could handle the sounds of a song that I had often heard every time they had opened it to listen to the twinkle of the box they cherished.

As soon as the beginning notes of Swan Lake floated into the air I slammed to top shut, unwilling to open up the box of my emotions all the way just yet. I knew I couldn’t get rid of it, it was too important of an artifact in Y/N’s life. Though I knew that this wasn’t something I could keep to myself, this belonged to Y/N’s family. I clutched the box for a second in my arms when I came to the realization that the trinket should be with someone else as if it would be cruelly ripped from my arms right then and there. I felt a little fire being stoked in my belly at the thought of people taking it from me, even though there was no one there in my lonely apartment with me.

I started a breathing exercise that my therapist had told me to use when I felt like this. No matter how much it pained me to admit it, it did help immensely in snuffing out the emotions when I could feel them begin to spiral out of control.

I couldn’t let myself fall into an endless loop of volatile emotions again. I had worked hard to get clean after I had started to write my amends. It had been a hard uphill battle even after I had written down my amends, my grief hadn’t magically gone away that day. Getting clean had been much harder without my rock and the person who had helped me get clean the first time around. I wouldn’t disrespect their memory by going back to dilaudid again.

Once the initial fear began to fade and my breathing had grown steady I forced myself to loosen my grip on the music box. I then carefully set it down in a place that would be suitable enough for a stack of things I’d pass off to other people that had been important to them. I hoped I’d soon be ready to make a donation pile despite that I despised the mere thought of giving something away that belonged to them to a mere stranger.

It was already too much for today, I could only bear looking at the one item. I didn't know how I’d be able to handle it if the box was filled with more trinkets that were important to them. I did however find myself thinking when I laid down on my bed for the night after a hot shower to relax my mind. I found my mind thinking about the trinkets they’d had an affinity for collecting. It still brought tears to my eyes to think about giving away their stuff, even if it was to people who also mattered in their life. But, I found myself thinking about their old cute little trinkets without as much pain, though it was definitely still there.

Maybe tomorrow when I try, I’d do better.

The small box that I had begun to unpack over a series of days didn’t hold anything else seemingly important to Y/N’s life. Besides the music box I had found prior, the small box was only filled with unimportant trinkets that thankfully didn’t spark much meaning in my mind. It was obvious that when the team had initially helped me to put their stuff away until I was ready that things had been put away in a slight haste. They must’ve done it so quickly as a way to try and help me. The animosity that I had held towards my team for the last year because of Y/N’s death had been slowly melting away over time. I still wasn’t as friendly as I had been before, but I knew my frigid nature after the event hadn’t been justified. I knew now that they had only my best interests at heart, even if they didn’t always pinpoint what they were correctly. I had even begun to regain some of my desk duties once I had gotten clean. It had felt good to feel somewhat normal even though the sight of their desk directly across from mine and their still empty round table chair still made my heart pang with grief.

I had even begun texting them more frequently again, though I was still aversive to text, so I guess it still wasn’t that often. Some things really do never change despite the fact that my life had turned on its head in the past year. I had even begun to write letters to my mom again.

I knew I was lucky to still have people by my side, even if it wasn’t the one I knew deep down I still wanted with me.

I thought I could have at least done the box without crying anymore.

That was until I found something at the bottom of the box that made the dam holding my memories back in my mind break to flood my mind. The book would probably seem inconsequential compared to the rest of the items that I knew sat in the other boxes. Most people would assume after just looking at the surface level what items of Y/N’s meant most to me, the ones I wanted to keep. The black paper back was well worn around the edges, almost like if I read it too frequently and I wasn’t too careful that the spine would break. I ran my fingers up and down the battered book as I began to willingly reminisce. To other people the book would’ve looked beaten already beyond repair, maybe as if it had not been loved enough, battered perhaps because of neglect.

But, just like me I knew that Y/N had loved the book more than most people would be willing to.

I knew that I wanted to keep this book, no matter how painful I knew their contents would be for me. I hoped that I’d be able to read it so much that I’d be afraid for the binding of the book, just to be able to feel close to them again. Though I wasn’t quite sure if I was ready to dig up this particular memory, it might still be too painful for me.

I remember they had bought this book for us after I had connected with a grieving father on a case. He had specifically quoted a poem to me that stuck with me for weeks after. Once I had told them of the excerpt quoted to me they had immediately grabbed a copy of where it had originated from, a long Wordsworth poem. The book “Ode: Intimations of Immortality from Recollections of Early Childhood” became their favorite quickly, in fact it used to take residence in the top drawer of their nightstand. They had often loved to read me their favorite excerpts at night just before bed when my eyes couldn’t stand to focus on the pages anymore.

When I opened the well worn book it flipped open to where they had set their bookmark last, I recognized the excerpt immediately. My breath got caught up in my throat when the words danced around in my vision. I wasn’t sure if I could face this specific excerpt quite yet, or even be able to read any part of the poem. The book held so many memories of them. This specific poem held so much meaning to the both of us.

However, there was something in me that wanted to try. I wanted to be able to read the poem again and remember the memories we shared fondly. I wanted to be able to enjoy my memories with them. I had come to realize over the past year that their memory deserved to be nurtured with fondness not overwhelmed with sadness.

So, I decided to try.

The memory’s attached to the excerpt immediately began flooding back even as soon as I read the beginning words. The bookmark had landed on the page that had been quoted to me by the grieving father, the words holding even more meaning in my life now than ever before.

“What though the radiance which was once so bright Be now for ever taken from my-“

The tears in my eyes blurred my vision, so much so that I had to stop reading for a moment to wipe my eyes. I didn’t know if I wanted to continue, just those first few lines were already weighing heavily on my mind. I was already focusing on the radiance that had left my life forever. A radiance that was once so bright, but was now snuffed out, forever taken from my sight. My sorrow was creeping in with small little waves in my mind, I just had to hope that it wouldn't drown me. I didn’t want to get stuck on an endless loop of emotions again, I had just gotten fully clean a little while ago.

Even though I was feeling intensely emotional over just the first few words I wanted to keep trying. I wanted to read this poem and smile. I wanted to be able to look back at our memories with love, to take back what had been polluted by the acts of a heinous man. Once I had somewhat collected myself and my thoughts I began to read again from the beginning of the excerpt-

“What though the radiance which was once so bright Be now for ever taken from my sight, Though nothing can bring back the hour Of splendour in the grass, of glory in the flower,”

My entire being could not help but ache as I read the words, still aching for the presence of the one who had been forever taken from my sight. When I reached that part that I remembered asking the grieving man about all those years ago, the words held an even deeper meaning to me now than I ever thought possible. There was nothing I could do to bring back the hour where I was still in my lover’s embrace. I wanted to be back in the moments of splendour in the grass and glory in the flower, I knew that soon I’d have to fully accept that it wasn’t possible.

Again I had to wipe tears from my eyes before continuing to read the stanza. This time a few tears dribbling down onto the pages, marking them with my sadness forever no matter if it dried into the parchment or not. I continued to read the page despite the saltwater that continued to drip down my face,

“We will grieve not, rather find Strength in what remains behind; In the primal sympathy Which having been must ever be; In the soothing thoughts that spring Out of human suffering; In the faith that looks through death, In years that bring the philosophic mind”

I felt a small watery smile creep onto my face, it had been so long since I had remembered to smile with sincerity. I was thinking about some of the times they had read this to me as I tried to drift off into a most likely restless sleep. Though I had always slept better when they read to me. At the time the words hadn’t meant as much to me as they did now, I now had a permanent connection to the feeling of grief that would never be erased. For the first time in a long time thinking about them didn’t hurt as much for a moment, I actually smiled, even though it was rather watery. No matter how small or sad the smile was, I was still smiling. And, I knew in that moment that Y/N would’ve been proud of me.

I pondered on the stanza’s meaning in a deeper way than I had done before. The things stated in the stanza about how I would gain strength from this situation made me contemplate what Y/N would’ve wanted me to do after their death. They wouldn’t want me to give up as I had done before, they had always wanted the best for me. They would want me to gain strength from the situation.

They would want me to grow from the pain that sat in my chest.

They would want me to move on, to accept.

I didn’t know if I’d ever find someone else that I’d ever love as much as I loved them. I didn’t really ever want to, I had found my true love already. Maybe one day I’d find someone to fall in love with again and if I did I knew they would be happy that I was able to move on with someone else. Even if I ever did move on with someone else there’d always be a part of my heart that belonged to Y/N. For now I was ready to move on in a different way. I was ready to live my life without them, by myself.

The trauma of losing them would always weigh heavily on my soul, I’d carry that with me until I rejoined them in the earth. But, I was now ready to keep living, if only for them. I felt less guilty now since I had grown to realize that they’d want me to try and live the rest of my life as fully as I could. They’d want me to try and find happiness. I didn’t know if I would ever truly find it again, whether it was on my own or with someone else.

They may have been forever taken from my sight, but I found comfort in the fact that the radiance they brought into my life would always reside in me. Instead of letting the deep hole in my chest gape until the hour of my death, I’d let it fill with the radiance of their memory.

I was ready to try.

I was ready to try even if I knew the water that felt like I could drown in, the fire that burned so hot that anyone near it would get burned, the earth that I had wished would bury me with the pebbles I had chosen to cope with, and even the polluted air of my sadness around with me everyday would sometimes take ahold of me again no matter how hard I tried.

I’d always carry those emotions with me, but I knew I was ready.

“Nothing can bring back the hour of splendour in the grass, of glory in the flower.”

I knew I was ready because their memory would always be with me to give me strength and to guide me. They’d always be there to help me try to live the rest of my life peacefully.

When I slept that night I faced the boxes while clutching the book to my chest.

Even though it still would always hurt on some level, I was ready to live in a reality where I could accept.

—-

Tag list (message me if you want to be added):

All works:

@shotarosleftpinky @oreogutz @90spumkin @kyra-morningstar

Spencer Reid/CM:

@calm-and-doctor @destiny-tsukino @safertokiss @slutforthegubes

5 stages of grief:

@joonie-centric @tatesimper @half-blood-dork @mcntsee @illuxions-x @rainsong01 @nomajdetective @loveheathens @day-n-night-dreamer @reidbuck

#spencer reid #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid angst #criminal minds x reader #spencer reid series #criminal minds #matthew gray gubler x reader #matthew gray gubler #5 stages of grief series #5 stages of grief

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nutty1005 · 4 years ago

Text

Xiao Zhan, welcome to the cruel entertainment business

Original Article: https://mp.weixin.qq.com/s/6qaJPp9O1exu4M8xtbt71A Original Author: 杨晋亚 Translator’s note: The original author is part of Yuli Studio, this article is published in Yuli Studio’s Weixin Official Account on 15 Sep 2019 as a part of “Behind the Screens” Volume 210.

“I never thought it would happen this way, this was fated.”

A month ago, he was just accepted by audiences due to “The Untamed” and just became one of the most popular actors. Now, he had to take on the responsibility of a movie’s box office as the main lead actor, and show his worth to the movie industry.

Three days before “Jade Dynasty I” aired in the cinemas, Yuli Studio met up with the nervous Xiao Zhan, who told us his fears, “Movies, well, they are very direct, very pragmatic and very cruel, so there’s no choice, since we’re already here, I just have to work hard to do my best.”

With traffic and popularity, comes others’ views and opinions – some expected him to withstand the stress of the box office, but there were also others waiting to laugh at his failure. “Jade Dynasty I” was the first obstacle Xiao Zhan was breaking through, and the path ahead was still long.

Xiao Zhan, welcome to the cruel entertainment business.

Xiao Zhan at “Jade Dynasty I” Press Conference

Looking back at the movie journeys of all the traffic actors, no one was like Xiao Zhan, who took on a movie while he was still a nobody, and this movie aired just barely 2 months after he made a name, putting his resource conversion ability to a public test.

On the first day, the box office was 142 million, on the second day it broke 200 million, these were the results “Jade Dynasty I” achieved during the Mid Autumn movie season, which exceeded many people’s expectations. The first day was with fans support, the second day still had interested moviegoers, Xiao Zhan’s first time as the lead actor on silver screen and he miraculously withstood the box office.

“Jade Dynasty I” Super Topic + Maoyan Movie Professional Box Office Chart

This was Xiao Zhan’s third time on the silver screen.

The first time, he was a little monster dressed in flowery clothes in “Monster Hunt 2”, drowned in a sea of group actors, almost unnoticeable as the camera panned past him in a second. The second time, he was a special agent, a side character that barely had 1 minute of screen time, in “The Rookies” during that year’s summer movie season. The third time, he became the main lead actor and took on the entire movie, presenting the process of innocent Zhang Xiaofan becoming a demon.

The production team of “Jade Dynasty I” revealed that, whether or not Xiao Zhan became popular, the movie was planned to air on 8 Aug, however because the post production was incomplete, hence it was shifted to the Mid Autumn movie season.

Director Cheng Xiaodong said that the luckiest decision he made for “Jade Dynasty I” was to cast Xiao Zhan, “I never thought that his acting would be so natural so good, he is not pretentious, and he is very humble, when you tell him something he will listen and improve.”

Stage photographs from “Jade Dynasty I”, Xiao Zhan before and after demonizing

On set, Cheng Xiaodong even actively added some scenes for Xiao Zhan, for example the scene at the start of the movie where Xiaofan was fantasizing about his senior, Tian Linger, “I found that he could act in all layers, he could do dull and dimwitted, he could do the demonizing transformation later on, so this movie he had many layers, the pace kept changing.”

To Xiao Zhan, Zhang Xiaofan of “Jade Dynasty I” was an unforgettable milestone, it was considered to be his toughest filming. Filming in conditions under 20°C and being blown by a giant fan, hung upside down for a free fall of 30 meters, in order to maintain his sense of the role, he even turned off the heater in his trailer, just so that his body will adapt to the temperature outside.

Before “Jade Dynasty I” aired, Xiao Zhan once said, “If the reception of the movie isn’t very good, I just have to work harder in the future. If it was not bad, then I am grateful that you saw my hard work from that period of time.”

After the movie aired, Xiao Zhan became the center of discussion for “Jade Dynasty I”. The movie’s quality was the result of an entire movie crew’s hard work, but now that all the discussions had landed on Xiao Zhan, to a certain degree, that was the price to pay for fame.

Stage photograph from”Jade Dynasty I”, Xiao Zhan as Zhang Xiaofan

On 23 Aug, there was a video on Weibo that was reposted a few tens of thousands of times.

In the video, Xiao Zhan had just ended a day’s filming, and after he got off the car, the 20 over fans waiting at the hotel entrance got rowdy, they blocked Xiao Zhan’s path and took pictures of him in his face using their phones. Spotting a gap at the side, Xiao Zhan suddenly took off running, and then he safely entered the elevator.

During the filming period of “The Oath of Love” recently at Wuxi, crazy fan actions were happening everyday as Xiao Zhan went to and from his work, sometimes they would surround and block him in the underground car park, sometimes when he got into the car they would forcibly block the car doors from closing, sometimes they would knock on his hotel room door to stuff notes to him.

Xiaofan, a staff who worked around Xiao Zhan said that the sasaeng problems was already very serious, the company wanted to provide him two assistants and security guards, but Xiao Zhan insisted not to.

“Because he didn’t want to give off the impression that he started acting like a big shot after he got famous.”

During the interview, Xiao Zhan spoke about the sasaeng problems again

From the media’s perspective, we have witnessed many artists change after they got famous, some would have a star aura, some would be exuding confidence from in to out, Yuli Studio’s reporter Lanpangzi once visited the set of “The Untamed”, and one year later met Xiao Zhan again at the “Jade Dynasty I” press conference, Lanpangzi discovered that Xiao Zhan was still as warm and accommodating like the boy-next-door.

At the backstage of the press conference, a few tens of guests spoke to Xiao Zhan consecutively, he was smiling at everyone, and slowly fulfilled each and everyone’s request to take a photograph together, and only until 4pm that afternoon he was able to finally have time for a few mouths of a lunchbox. The continuous non-stop interviews started at 4.05pm, all the reporters wanted a photograph together, and he tried to accommodate even under such tight scheduling.

After becoming famous, Xiao Zhan had more and more interviews, and if he was not careful, he would be accused of putting on airs if the arrangements of the interviews were done wrongly. Xiaofan said that Xiao Zhan himself was especially aware of this point, “He is now even more nervous than before, and he had expectations of all of his staff, please don’t think that he is putting on airs just because of our errors.”

Xiao Zhan at the “Jade Dynasty I” Press Conference

After joining the “Jade Dynasty I” press conference in Beijing, Xiao Zhan had to quickly fly back to Wuxi to continue filming.

Before “The Untamed” finished airing, Xiao Zhan had already entered the filming for “The Oath of Love”, and filming while at the height of his fame would mean that he would miss a lot of event opportunities. When his fans were worried about his limited exposures, Xiao Zhan’s thoughts was that: “What’s there to be worried about, I feel that an actor’s life comes from his works.”

In fact, Xiao Zhan had received a lot of invitations from many events, so his biggest worry was how he could maintain his normal acting condition.

“Some events you just had to complete, and then I had some commercial obligations prior, like that day at Suzhou, that was a contract that I signed then,” Xiaofan said, “the last thing that Xiao Zhan wanted to do was to take leave.”

Xiao Zhan’s current schedule at “The Oath of Love” was from 8am to 10pm, if he had to take leave, it meant that when Xiao Zhan returned to the set he would have to work overtime to film his scenes.

Stage photograph from “The Oath of Love”, Xiao Zhan as Gu Wei

The performance teacher accompanying the filming , Yang Xu, witnessed Xiao Zhan’s helplessness and anxiety.

“His load in ‘The Oath of Love’ was especially big, basically we could only discuss his scenes that day while he was doing his make up in the morning, because the filming would end very late at night, I wanted him to go back for more rest. Moreover the fan problems now are too prominent, sometimes he would also talk to me a bit, although I don’t think this incident affected his mood or his performance, but it definitely affected his normal resting time.”

For a while, Yang Xu was very worried about Xiao Zhan’s condition, but what surprised him was that, although the filming would end very late at night, but by the next day, Xiao Zhan would have memorized his lines and made full preparations before coming to the make up room.

“That was what made him powerful, and I found that he would actually really use every bit of spare time to prepare for the role and his lines, for example, while doing his make up, even when going to the toilet, he would be holding the script, and then during the rest period after filming every scene, he would be reading his lines with me while drinking coffee, because lines reading needed partners, I said you just take me as your partner.”

When he was away from the set on leave, Xiao Zhan took late night flights between Beijing and Wuxi almost every time, and in the photographs taken by his fans at the airport, he would also be reading his script.

Stage photograph from “The Oath of Love”, Xiao Zhan as Gu Wei

Every early morning at the make up room would also be the spare time for Xiao Zhan and Xiaofan to talk about their work and release stress.

“Now he does not seem to enjoy the applause and glory from the opportunities that came with his sudden fame, a lot of it was some anxiety and confusion,” in Xiaofan’s eyes, these two months in Xiao Zhan’s life definitely changed.

“Suddenly, we experienced a lot of things that we don’t quite understand, it could have been a small mistake at work, but we would gain the attention of anti-fans or fans. He is more of an introvert, he doesn’t go out to entertain, stays at home more, leads simple life, and suddenly his life came under the spotlight, wherever he went there will be fans following, he was definitely anxious.”

The seniors in the industry would also give Xiao Zhan some advice, and share with him some of the survival rules in the entertainment world that he had not experienced. “For example we will having having a fun conversation, or someone would be telling some something he does not know about in the industry, the next day he will tell me that the conversation made him quite excited, he learned a lot, I feel like he is a sponge like person, continuously absorbing,” a senior in the industry revealed.

Xiao Zhan

On 10 Aug, a day before the filming starts for “The Oath of Love”, performance teacher Yang Xu finally met Xiao Zhan again.

The script for “The Oath of Love” was given to Yang Xu quite early on, Xiao Zhan also wanted to quickly get into the preparation for this role, but because the promotion schedule for “The Untamed” was too tight, they did not manage to squeeze out some time to discuss about the script face-to-face.

“That day’s morning he just fixed his costume, we only met briefly at night,” Yang Xu recalled, but what put him at ease was that Xiao Zhan already made full analysis and preparation of the script, “At that time, I felt assured, his analytical skills of his roles were getting stronger, he was already able to analyze the script independently.”

Yang Xu, who was once a teacher in Central Drama School, participated in many dramas, such as “Nothing Gold Can Stay”, as their performance instructor. When he joined “The Oath of Love”, it was already his third time working with Xiao Zhan.

Stage photograph from “The Oath of Love”, Xiao Zhan as Gu Wei

While filming “The Untamed”, Xiao Zhan told the visiting staff from Yuli Studio that he wished to improve his lines. After finishing “Jade Dynasty I”, Xiao Zhan proactively went to Yang Xu for a few classes.

The airing “The Untamed” in this summer made many viewers notice the actor Xiao Zhan.

In the “Bloodbath at Nevernight City” in episode 32, Wei Wuxian stood on top of a roof, facing off the accusations from all of the sects, crying and laughing, unable to explain himself. In this part, the Yiling Patriarch’s rage was at his max, and it was Xiao Zhan’s golden moment of his acting abilities, and many drama fans were surprised to find out that the filming of that scene was done in the same day as another scene – that day’s morning was the filming of youth Wei Wuxian in the library, and at night he immediately went into the condition of the Yiling Patriarch dying in Nevernight City.

We asked him how he could film such extreme conditions within the same day, Xiao Zhan confessed that he himself did not know, “I saw some gifs and clips, if I had to suddenly redo this scene, I don’t think I can outperform that me then, I guess that time it was the accumulation of time and condition, maybe that period of time I had already blended into the role.”

Stage photographs from “The Untamed”, Wei Wuxian at Nevernight City and the Library

Drama fans attributed this to Xiao Zhan’s “self-sacrificing styled acting” performance method, in the drama, Wei Wuxian depended on someone to use the “self-sacrificing curse” 16 years later to resurrect – this “self-sacrifice” meant that Xiao Zhan gave himself entirely to the role of Wei Wuxian.

To Yang Xu, Xiao Zhan’s instinctive acting method, where he became the role, actually came from this “sincerity”, and this was where the advantage of Xiao Zhan as an actor lied.

“Xiao Zhan is a very sincere person, I spoke to him then that sincerity is a very important quality in an actor. This sincerity meant that he could 100% give away himself, he was the same when he was taking classes with me. Because when we were practicing, he also needed to share some of his privacy or live experiences, he would share them very sincerely.”

Stage photograph from “The Untamed”, Xiao Zhan as Wei Wuxian

Yang Xu felt that the introvert and quiet Doctor Gu from “The Oath of Love” was more like Xiao Zhan in his everyday life. But Xiao Zhan felt nervous about this role having similarities with his own character, because he felt that he had not acted in any contemporary dramas. Before filming started, he constantly asked Yang Xu about the differences between contemporary dramas and period dramas, whether he was to portray life as more at will compared to period dramas.

Yang Xu told him, at its core they are acting out human emotions, therefore he must truly experience the life of this character, and then build a realistic communication with his partner.

“Yang Zi is a more quick-witted actress, her performances are very varied, if at this time Xiao Zhan wasn’t about to build enough communication with Yang Zi, or not focused enough, then the two of them might not be able to match up. But what’s good is that Xiao Zhan is very sincere, and he could receive Yang Zi’s performance, and then reply with his layered emotions. I was on set watching a few of their scenes, I personally feel that Xiao Zhan did very well.”

From “Jade Dynasty I” to “The Oath of Love”, Yang Xu saw the growth of Xiao Zhan within this half year. During the process of working with Yang Zi, Xiao Zhan became willing to try more variations, willing to breakthrough his fixed style of acting, and look for changes in every scene and every line.

“He is very concerned about how he crafts every single character, he has his own expectations of his performance and profession, he will never be satisfied with his results and what he has attained in performance. He will forever be seeking, and with this seeking, he will have motivation to learn and grow. And he is very talented, I always tell him, you definitely can become a good actor.”

“The Oath of Love” Character Poster

We reverse the time back to early 2017, Xiao Zhan has just joined the filming of “Battle Through the Heaven”, as the minor role Lin Xiuya.

Then, Xiao Zhan had just entered the entertainment industry for barely a year, and acted in a web drama that he jokingly called it his “dark history” later on.

During the performance classes before the filming of “Battle Through the Heaven”, Xiao Zhan stood out from all the newcomers, not only because of his outstanding looks, but also because he was well-mannered and polite, very hardworking during the filming, and left a great impression on the staff.

“Battle Through the Heaven” was filmed throughout the Chinese New Year period of 2017, the new actors did not go home, and one of the seniors in the crew was talking to them, telling them that as a singer in China, their career progression might be more limited, and they should go down the path of acting, but the path of acting is a path of no return, they could only move forward and not backwards, therefore you will need to put in everything for it.

Stage photograph from “Battle Through the Heaven” Season 1, Xiao Zhan as Lin Xiuya

Born in 1991, Xiao Zhan was the representative of “over-aged commoner pursuing an entertainment business dream”, he only started to learn dancing at the age of 24, debuting as a part of a boy group. That spring, the 26 year old took in what the senior said, and started to consider the possibility of changing his career path.

At that time, Xiao Zhan was not confident, he felt that he came from an idol group background, and he was not sure if he could become an actor. But one of the strengths of Xiao Zhan was that he would not consider whether he could or not, instead, he would “choose, I just want to do it well, do it first, we’ll see the results later”.

Just like him starting to learn dancing with no foundations, but he saw effects after a month; during the idol competition his mentor Shu Qi suggested that he train his gaze, and a few weeks later he started to shed off the commoner in his gaze; in the transformation to become an actor, the senior encouraged him to lose weight first, and come to the set of “The Wolf” 3 months later, he really lost 10lbs.

“The Wolf” was Xiao Zhan’s entry work, followed through the entire drama as a part of the lead actors, and gained an acting quality improvement from 0 points to 50 points. A member of the staff revealed that hotels with better conditions were further away from the set, and in order to leave more time to acting, Xiao Zhan took the initiative to pick a hotel that was near the set despite it having worse conditions.

Stage photograph from “The Wolf”, Xiao Zhan as Ji Chong

During the filming period of “Battle Through the Heaven” and “The Wolf”, transforming from a singer to an actor facing cameras, that sensation once caused Xiao Zhan to lose the sense of himself, unsure how he could let the audiences believe that he was that role. During the filming of “The Untamed”, Xiao Zhan was still not confident enough, compared to the newcomers around him that came from acting schools, Xiao Zhan did not have any advantages.

“My thoughts and intentions had always been very simple, that is I want to do it well,” Xiao Zhan said, during the filming of “The Wolf”, he filmed in the day and took classes at night, writing his acting analysis in the late night, he also broke down once or twice, writing them while crying, but eventually he persisted.

The seed of stubbornness and refusal to admit defeat is deeply rooted in Xiao Zhan’s body, as a child he would go to Shaoniangong every weekend to learn drawing, and nothing would keep him from it, because that was something he wanted to do from his heart; when competing in the idol competition, facing many teammates who were from music academies, he thought to himself that “if you could do it, then I could do it too, and I’ll do it even better”; when filming, he believed that viewers would not be concerned whether he came from an acting background, but the most direct answer would be whether he acted well or not.

“The Untamed” finally brought the actor Xiao Zhan to everyone’s notice.

That summer, he became the entertainment business’s new top traffic power, his supertopic firmly in the top three, all kinds of gossip forums had posts about him, and “Jade Dynasty I” also showcased his appeal.

Stage photograph from “The Untamed”, Xiao Zhan as Wei Wuxian

Why was he able to receive so much love this summer?

There were many within the entertainment circle that looked well upon Xiao Zhan, two of them could provide answers or a type of assessment:

“Xiao Zhan used his acting abilities to conquer me”; “I see the shadow of every worker on him, he carries the hopes and dreams of every man pursuing a dream.”

There was a microblog titled “Recording Xiao Zhan’s every man moments” that obtained 330 thousand likes, and within it, fans shared many little stories about him.

For example, after living for 28 years, Xiao Zhan’s most prideful moment was to have his logo sell well as a designer; the backgrounds of his group’s concerts and the web drama’s slides were all drawn by him; his mobile phone home screen was the God of Fortune, like every person who hoped for a sudden windfall.

One part was the recognition of his working capabilities; the other part, the Xiao Zhan, who became a designer after graduation and went through a year of working life before pursuing his “entertainment business dream”, was indeed very different from the idols that were cultivated from the idol machine, he came with common sense and life experiences, his past was definitely able to resonate with every man.

Xiao Zhan

A fan once sent this microblog – Xiao Zhan’s temperament is so good, perhaps it’s because he had been honed by his clients. Xiao Zhan himself replied her with a meme: “What do you mean?”

The experience as a contractor, plus always facing people with a smile, everyone’s first impression of Xiao Zhan was that he was a gentle person with a good temperament.

Xiao Zhan always habitually considered others’ feelings first.

Staff Xiaofan revealed that the previous assistant was not capable enough, made a lot of mistakes, but Xiao Zhan never lost his temper at him.

Yang Xu accompanied Xiao Zhan every morning in the make up room for script reading, there was once Xiao Zhan had insomnia the night before and was in a bad shape, he took the initiative to apologize to the teacher, “That day I could feel that he was actually very tired, but he still tried his best to maintain his condition to discuss his role with me, later on he came to me and said, teacher I’m sorry, my condition was bad in the morning, you took still so much effort to explain the role to me, I feel quite bad, you can come slightly later, otherwise you’ll feel bad looking at my current state. I was very touched then, I said you just rest well and don’t worry about me.”

In the idol competition, someone once questioned Xiao Zhan’s character as passive and unenthusiastic. To Xiaofan, this is because “he is always humble and polite to people he doesn’t know well, and he’ll treat everyone with a sense of propriety.”

A reporter once asked Xiao Zhan if he was a Mr. Nice Guy. Xiao Zhan replied, “I feel that those who feel like this are probably acquaintances. People who know me very well will know that I’m actually quite stubborn and quite strong-headed.”

Xiao Zhan

Xiao Zhan said, he did not like to make the atmosphere uncomfortable, he hoped that everyone could all be harmonious.

But in the “Secret Garden”, Xiao Zhan will unexpectedly shed off this shell of warm smiles and display the tenacious edge in his heart.

Xiao Zhan had a microblog that held the heartfelt words between he and his fans, and some words Xiao Zhan would quietly post in the comments, and those who care for him would always see it.

Last year after “The Untamed” started filming, there were those who believed that he would rise to fame very quickly, but there were also those who mocked him for “being famous on credit”, Xiao Zhan, who had a nickname “Brother Wealthy”, quietly posted a comment on the sentiments then, “I have money, I don’t go on credit.”

In his daily life, Xiao Zhan does not like to cry, he said he has given all of his tears to his characters. Once in a while, everyone can also see that soft Xiao Zhan coming out of his protective shell. Last year during the Hangzhou concert, he looked at the hall full of his fans’ support, singing the song, “Satisfaction”, that his fans fought for him, he tried to keep in his tears.

After bursting to fame, whether Xiao Zhan will continue to display his strong or soft moments, we would not know, but Xiaofan revealed that the staff do not control Xiao Zhan’s microblog postings, the “Secret Garden” continues to be his method of communicating with his fans.

But we can be certain that Xiao Zhan is slowly learning and adjusting to the rules of the entertainment business, becoming more careful, he will sometimes tell his staff, “We need to be more careful than before.”

Xiao Zhan’s Mid Autumn greetings

The night after the premiere of “Jade Dynasty I”, Xiao Zhan secretly went to record a program at CCTV. That night at 8.30pm, word from the scalpers circle came out, “Xiao Zhan’s activity, those who can come to the area near the world trade center message me! Limited seats! Hurry!”

Later on, there were a lot of fans gathering at the north entrance of CCTV, and until late night at 11pm, there were still large groups of fans quietly waiting. Xiao Zhan and his staff would sometimes wonder, when would days like this ever end, but they also understood that this is an anomaly, things would slowly stabilize after a few months, and the future still depended on his works.

After completing the filming of “The Oath of Love”, Xiao Zhan will go through a period of rest and adjustment, and enter filming again at the start of next year.

“What worried him previously what that he didn’t know where his opportunities were, didn’t know which path he should take; now of course he’s firmly decided on being a good actor,” Xiaofan revealed.

Xiao Zhan at the premiere press conference of “Jade Dynasty I”

His vlogs since his debut, until yesterday when he spoke to everyone online, Xiao Zhan always started with “I am still Xiao Zhan”.

After rising to fame, Xiao Zhan told himself that he needed to work harder in his life, and work hard to remind himself to stay common and still be that very initial Xiao Zhan.

However, no one would be able to foresee the possibilities of Xiao Zhan in his career, “No one restricted that I have to be this type of Xiao Zhan my whole life,” since he is someone who likes to stay on his feet, and very willing to try and change.

Entering this cruel entertainment business, Xiao Zhan still continues to be a honorable working class, lying on his sofa after knocking off; traffic comes and goes, he tells himself that he should not compare with anyone else, he should only compete against himself, and be a long distance runner.

Only passion and sincerity can withstand the long and slow passage of time.

Xiao Zhan looking at that year’s fireworks

#xiao zhan #sean xiao #xiaozhan #肖战

89 notes · View notes

atinydise · 4 years ago

Text

Ateez reacting to people talking bad about their s/o

❦ Genre: Fluff.

❦ Pairing: OT8.

❦ Word count: 11k.

❦ Requested: Yes, thank you! 🦋

❦ Masterlist.

HONGJOONG

Hongjoong invited you to come at MAMA 2019. You were a good support for him, so you needed to be there. Even if being in a relationship was not a good thing for Hongjoong’s career, he didn’t care at all. So, right now he was preparing to go on stage and enjoy your presence just next to him. “Stop hugging me! You are going to remove your make up.” You giggled. “I don’t care! I’m taking all the energy I need.” “Hyung! Stop being so clingy, we need to go.” Informed San. “Okay okay...” he kissed your cheek. “See you in 15 minutes.” You waved at him and sat peacefully on the couch, in front of the TV. After the performance, he wanted to ask you how you found him, but you were nowhere to be found. He saw the make-up staff members in the corner of the room. He approached slowly, not daring to disturb them.

“Did you see how she was yelling at the TV screen? Pathetic...” claimed one of them. “Yes! She’s a fan girl. I can’t understand how and why Hongjoong dates her!” Your boyfriend stopped. Why were they talking about you? “They are not in the same page. For sure he’s dating her for pity.” Laughed the tallest one. “He will break up with her soon.” Hongjoong coughed, letting them know his presence. “O-Oh Hongjoong,” stuttered one of them. “We didn’t know you were here.” He smiled, hands in his pockets. “Yes, I know. Otherwise, you wouldn’t talk so bad about my girlfriend.” “We were not-“ started one of them. “Please, if you have a problem with us. Just say it.” He added seriously. “I don’t want any gossip.” “Joongie?” You called your boyfriend, ignoring the situation. “Ah Y/N! I was looking for you!” He said, wrapping his arm around your shoulders. He led you near the other members, but he stared one last time at the staff. They were obviously super mad, but they didn’t say anything.

SEONGHWA

Luckily Seonghwa had good and comprehensive fans. If he could, he would share all of his secret with them. The main one would be that he’s dating. He was the one who wanted to tell the world that you were his girlfriend, but you didn’t allow him to. It was too risky. Even if you tried your best to keep it secret someone spotted both of you exiting a restaurant. You kept a good distance, but fans started to suppose that you were dating. So today, for a special performance, Seonghwa bought drinks for the whole team. At the coffee shop, he was in the line just behind a group of girls. Invisibly they were Atinys. “Do you think they are really dating?” Asked one of them. “No. She’s too ugly for Seonghwa.” Replies her friend. The other one laughed, clapping crazily. “She might be so sad. Being rejected by Seonghwa...” “So pathetic.” Sighed the third girl. “She’s so basic... no one would date her.” Seonghwa was quietly boiling behind them. Because of you, he couldn’t say anything. Even if he died to. Instead, he glanced at these girls grabbing their ice americano. His instinct controlled him. Faking that it was an accident, he bumped into one of them, causing her drink to spill on her outfit. “Oh! Really sorry!” Apologized your boyfriend. He couldn’t judge if the expressions on their face were funnier or when they understood that Park Seonghwa was there and might heard their little conversations. “It’s okay.” Said a girl, pulling her friends out of the coffee shop. Seonghwa stayed there, smiling proudly. If you knew you would scold him, but it was a good cause.

YUNHO

“Yunho-ah! It’s been a long time since we hang out.” Said Yunho’s friend, patting his back. “Yes, I was busy these last moths.” He mentioned. “Yes, your idol life and... your girlfriend.” Claimed the girl in front of you. You didn’t like the tone she used but you just smiled. “It’s good to see you here!” He said happily. You know that your boyfriend sacrificed a lot of things for his career, especially his friendship. So, when he had time, he would meet them. Right after the meal, you went to the restroom and Yunho joined his friends outside. “Why she’s always so quiet? If she’s bored, she can stay at her home.” Said the girl who dissed you earlier. “Yunho needs someone else to take care of him. She’s so...” started the boy next to the other girl. “Normal. Pretty sure he’s bored with her but he’s too nice to break up with her.” Claimed another friend. “He needs a girl like me. I will perfect fit with his idol image.” Yunho finally stepped up, next to his ‘friends’. “So? What were you talking about?” He smiled, faking that he didn’t hear anything. “Huh... nothing special? Casual things you know.” “Ah really? He narrowed his eyebrows. “I didn’t know that casual things were to talk so badly about my girlfriend?” They all remained quiet, probably ashamed. He faced the girl, “Y/N isn’t with me for my ‘idol image’. She likes me and don’t see me as a stupid trophy.” “Yunho, we don’t think she’s good enough for you.” She added. “You are the ones not enough good for me!” He claimed. “Sorry for the wait.” You apologized, joining the group. “We need to go Y/N.” Said Yunho, holding your hands. “What? Well okay but let me say goodbye at least.” You asked. “No, they don’t deserve it.” He cut you straight.

YEOSANG

You were enjoying a nice afternoon at the park with your boyfriend. The weather was too nice, everything was perfect. Your man gave you an earphone so you could listen to music and feel the food and not wind on your skin. Even if he tried to focus on the moment, he heard two girls whispering a bit far away from you. At first, he just ignored it, but he understood that they were talking about you. He glanced at you sometimes but maybe or luckily you didn’t hear them. Yeosang shook your shoulders softly. “Y/N... can you get us ice-creams?” You stretched lazily, “okay... you paid for the lunch so at least I can get this for us.” “Thank you, sweetie.” He smiled. At the second you disappeared, he listened back the two girls. “Look at her hair... or even her legs.” Yeosang sat down and turned around. “Hi girls.” He smiled. They both muttered something, freaking out quietly. “Yeosang is talking to us!” Giggled one of them. “Ah... then you are an Atiny?” They both nodded enthusiastically. “So... if you are an Atiny... can you stop being so mean toward my girlfriend? I heard everything you said since we came here.” He said seriously. “Atiny are cool and kind. So please or at least keep your opinions for yourself.” He finished. “Yeosang?” You called your boyfriend. “Have a nice day! And listen our songs!” He bowed politely before going back to you. “Who are they?” You asked, handing his ice cream. “Oh, you know... fans. Don’t worry about them.” He smiled, enjoying his little victory.

SAN

“San-ie, do you want something to eat?” You gently asked entering his room. “Y/N- I’m playing right now. Can’t talk.” He claimed, smashing his keyboard. “Well okay... I think that I will choose by myself.” You rolled your eyes. “Again.” “Don’t be mad. It’s just an important game.” “Sure...” you growled, closing the door. After almost one hour, San joined you in the living-room. You were enjoying a good Korean mean in front of your new TV show. “Your meal is in the fridge.” You let him know, not even looking at him. “Thank you!” He kissed your forehead. “Oh shit! I forget to tell the boys that I would be AFK* for dinner!” “AFK? The boys? Still your online friends?” You asked. San nodded, running back to his bedroom. He messily set his earphone on his ears. Unexpectedly, someone else joined the channel. “Is San playing with you?” Asked the unknown player. “I think he’s absent right now.” Replied someone else. “Good. He’s a nice and strategic player but his girlfriend is so annoying...” he claimed. “In our last party, she was non-stop bothering him about snacks or drinks. We ended #2 because of her.” San saw red. Who was this man to talk badly about you like that? Your boyfriend activated his mic back. “If you were not playing so bad, we would win for sure.” He riposted. “Ah San... you are back.” “No, I wanted to say that I would be AFK for dinner. But this asshole got my attention.” He cursed. *Si Hyeon has left the chat.* “If I saw his pseudo in PvP** he’s dead...coward.” Muttered the boy. “San! Your meal!” You yelled from the next room. “And me at least I have a caring girlfriend!” He said before logging off.

*AFK: Away From Keyboard.

**Pvp: Player Versus Player.

MINGI

Mingi invited you to his mom restaurant. Of course, you accepted. You were hungry, you liked the menu and you would be with your boyfriend. Who would refuse that? When you entered the restaurant Mingi’s mom instantly hugged you. Your man spotted a bunch of old ladies in the back looking down at you. Luckily, you hadn’t seen it. “You should have told me that you were coming!” Said his mom. “Why? We just want to eat, not booking the whole restaurant.” “It’s okay Mrs.Song.” You asked gently. “Then follow me. I will bring you the special day meal okay?” You nodded politely and sat at the table, next to the ladies. Mingi glanced at them. Their behavior was really inappropriate. He hoped that you wouldn’t hear what they were saying. “Your mom is so nice baby.” You giggled. He simply hummed, trying to figure out if the next table was dissing you. And yes, they were. “I’m going to the restroom. Can you keep an eye on my bag?” “Sure.” He replied. When you left, he rushed at the elders’ table. “Excuse me ladies.” He started politely. “I heard you talking about my girlfriend. It made me really sad. I don’t want her to hear those terrible comments.” One of them, probably the youngest one, spoke up: “we know your mom since she opened the restaurant. We know that this girl is not enough good for you.” “Excuse me. I think you should leave.” Stepped in Mingi’s mom. “No one can say to my son who’s good enough for him.” All the seniors were outraged by the situation, but they decided to leave. Even to pay for their unfinished meals. When you came back, you saw both of them, arms crossed on their chest. “What is going on?” Mingi smiled and immediately relaxed when he saw you. “Nothing much. Just a Song’s thing.”

WOOYOUNG

You were sitting comfortably on the couch, backstage. ATEEZ had a big international interview today but seems like you were more stressed than them. “You are not stressed at all.” “No,” replied Wooyoung. “I think we are used to it now.” You smirked and added sarcastically, “excuse me, you are a pro now.” “Exactly, young lady!” He kissed you. “Ew… take a room.” Said Seonghwa disgusted. “Wooyoung, it’s your turn to take few pics.” Ordered the manager. “Sorry young lady. I have an important mission.” He smiled. “Don’t be too ugly,” you stuck your tongue out.” Wooyoung flicked your forehead and followed the manager. He gave the idol few tips with the photoshoot, but they were cut by a conversation next to them. He couldn’t see who the woman was, but she was clearly talking to the MC. “Really? I didn’t think they would date someone so early.” Wooyoung glanced at the manager who replied with a shrug. “I thought she was a staff member, not his girlfriend...” He stopped for a second but offered: “maybe I should ask Wooyoung few questions. He can’t lie to his fans.” Your boyfriend understood that he was taking about your relationship. The manager needed to hold him by the hand, or he would probably punch him. “It can be such a bad buzz for them but a good thing for us!” He laughed. “An idol dating and probably playing with the feelings of a naive girl.” “Y/N is not naive!” He shouted making the 2 protagonists turn around. “She’s smart and she doesn’t need to be involved in this.” “Wooyoung-Ah...” whispered the manager. “He doesn’t have the right to talk about Y/N. Should I tell a word to our CEO?” He threatened. “No, it’s cool. We are cool.” Panicked the MC. “We are not going to talk about you and Y/N.” Wooyoung smiled victoriously. The manager whispered to his ear. “I didn’t know you were so protective Wooyoung.” “Anything for my girl.” He smirked, proud of him.

JONGHO

Jongho spend the whole day at the vocal practice room. For the online concert, his teacher was always on his back. So, at 5PM, you came to visit your boyfriend. Just a simple visit with ice-creams and candies. “You seem tired.” You stated, pointing at his face. “I am...” he yawned. “You should ask your coach to let you rest a bit.” “I need to improve, for our online concert.” You rolled your eyes. “You are working too much...” Jongho stood up, “it’s my job.” He kissed your cheek. “I need to take the charger in Hongjoong’s studio. I’ll comeback soon.” “Take your time.” You shouted before he closed the door. Jongho walked to the 2nd floor. When he exited the staircase, he saw his coach on the phone. His back facing the maknae. “I don’t know what to do with him. He’s clearly wasting his time and talent with this Y/N.” Jongho stopped in his track. You had nothing to do with his career. “I can’t do anything, and he will clearly not break up with her.” He added. “At least, he could have dated a talented girl. Or a prettier one.” He laughed. Jongho coughed making understand his presence. “Oh Jongho...” he smiled awkwardly, hanging up his call instantly. “You are there... since when exactly?” “Enough to know that you shouldn’t talk about Y/N like this.” He smiled, provoking him. The coach stayed quiet, ignoring what to say. “Well... see you tomorrow, I guess? Y/N is downstairs, so I don’t think you are coming right?” He assumed. “It’s late anyway...” he excused. “Yes, sure. It’s late.” Jongho’s bower politely and walked around. Nothing better to shush the coach. Even if it’s was stressful.

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alisaspages · 3 years ago

Text

FOOD//Peter Parker

Fem x Peter Parker

TW// eating disorder

Peter and I have been together since we were born. We’ve been dating since we were 13 after ignoring each other two years straight. He quickly confessed his love after I said sorry. We’re now 15. We’re pretty young. He’s spider-man. And I pretty much begged him to have Tony make me a multi-million dollar suit to make me spider-girl. He said no. But then I talked to Steve who got him to make me my own avenger suit. But technically I’m not an avenger yet.

My hero name is Y/H/N and Tony says my suit is made from a special metal but he won’t tell me what type. I let him experiment on me and use me as a lab rat. I came out with super strength, telekinesis, and teleportation. Bucky taught me how to use knives. Today we were all going for dinner as a kind gesture from Tony. Actually Pepper convinced him.

We went as fancy as we could. I showed up in this:

I went inside and the waitress lead me to our table. I really didn’t want to come. I only said yes for Nat and Peter. “Hi guys” I waved. Peter stared in awe and I blushed. They all looked shocked. “You look like a girl?” Tony said confused. Most times they’d seen me I was wearing baggie clothes and beanies. “Uhh thanks?” I said quietly. Peter pat the spot next to him and I sat next to him on the soft padded chair. I kissed him “hi Spider-boy.” He blushed “you look ravishing. Pretty. Gorgeous.” I giggled a little pleased by the comments and excitement “thanks love.” I held his hand under the table.

Lately I hadn’t been eating since I started gaining weight. I didn’t tell anyone. Peter came over one evening and saw me in a crop top and shorts for the first time I quickly covered myself up and he turned away “sorry. Go ahead and change I’ll wait.” Was all he said squeezing his eyes shut at the wall. He made me dinner the day after that. I gave it to my dogs while he wasn’t looking and I felt so bad.

First the appetizers came. It was nachos, I glanced at it then looked at my feet. “Y/N have some.” Steve said kindly. I shook my head “I’m gonna save myself for the main course. Thanks though.” He nodded and the waitress pulled out her notepad the second time since we’d arrived “what would you like to drink?” She asked looking at me first. I let out a loud sigh “uhhh.. water.” Peter looked at me with concern and whispered “you okay? Usually you eat a lot and order a lot of soda?” I nodded “just tired. Sorry babe.” My eyelids were heavy and usually I’d drink a monster to help at this time but I couldn’t. “Don’t be sorry. It’s my fault. I kept you up all night building my legos with Ned.” I shrugged “it’s okay.” I said kissing his cheek. When we looked back up it was his turn “uhhh coke?” The waitress nodded and was gone within seconds. My stomach grumbled and I tensed knowing Peter heard it. “C’mon love. Eat.” I shook my head “no it’s not that. Yesterday my mom made something absolutely gross and my stomach kind of hurts.” I felt awful lying to him. But I had to stay perfect for him. I was desperate to have Natashas body. Wandas. Even peppers. I would take anyone’s body over mine. I have stretch marks on my thighs, I’m over the average weight for my age, I have a heat allergy, and I’m very short. The list goes on forever. Not to mention the acne.

After ordering our main courses which mine was just a salad, Steve and Natasha looked at me funny “you love this restaurant? You love steak!” Steve said in a confused tone “Yeah… what’s wrong? You seem off.” By this point I wasn’t seeing straight. I missed going to the gym today so that I wouldn’t look so pale. It’s been at least a week. This was bound to happen sooner or later. “Yeah. Just my mom made this terrible meatloaf yesterday. I’m still recovering.” What I didn’t know was aunt May would be coming. She sent food home for me and my mom and I just put it in the fridge. She came in “Hey guys. Sorry I’m late, I couldn’t find my dress.” I choked on my water and coughed “sorry. Hi aunt May.” She waved “how was the food last night?” I shrugged drowsily “I ate my mom’s meatloaf. Sorry May.” She rose a brow “I thought that was for tomorrow?” Fuck. I shook my head “she changed her mind.” May nodded and I rested my head on Peters shoulder. Our food came and May ordered. I poked and prodded at my food and Natasha sighed loudly “okay I’ve seen enough why aren’t you eating?” I shrugged “I’m not feeling well.” She rolled her eyes “Y/N I know you better than you know yourself what’s going on?” I sighed standing up and wobbling “shut up. Stop asking me if I’m fine for gods sakes.” Oh no. Nononono. Fuck. I stumbled and Steve, Peter, and Natasha jumped out of there seats. I closed my eyes but they weren’t opening up again. I felt myself tumble into someone’s arms. Warm and stringy. Peter.

When I opened my eyes again I was connected to a couple tubes and wires but I wasn’t at the hospital. I knew this room too well. I was in the Avengers tower. “Morning.” Tony said smiling. I rolled over and he called the Avengers in. “She’s fine.” He said when Steve and Natasha bursted in right behind Peter. “How are you feeling?” Steve asked concerned. I only shrugged. I needed energy “Can I have a monster?” I asked as I sat up slowly. Peter shook his head “No. Mj called. She told me about your little diet! You can’t live off of monsters and water.” I sighed “it doesn’t matter.” He shook his head faster tears in his eyes. “No! I love you. So it does matter because I need you.” He put a hand on my cheek “why? You’re so beautiful.” I shook my head as the others came in.

I looked at them then looked at Peter. “Look at the girls. Look at Natasha. Everyone falls at their feet. Look at aunt May and Pepper. Look at Wanda. Look at them.” He looked at them confused “I don’t get it.” I shook my head looking at the floor, tears spilling out. “They are so perfect. They have nice boobs and good Ass. They are the perfect weight. They can just eat and still look like fucking Models Peter. Everyone wants to be them or is in love with them. I’d kill to look like them. Natasha knelt “I didn’t get this way starving myself sweetheart.” I looked away and Steve knelt on the other side of me “you’re so beautiful. You don’t have to look like Natasha. Or Pepper or Wanda or Sharon or anyone that isn’t you. You like being yourself don’t you?” I nodded and looked at Loki and Thor “Liz and Flash were making fun of me for it. Liz said I was hideous. Flash said I was worse than Ned. So I stood up for Ned but I couldn’t seem to do the same for me.” Loki pulled his daggers out and I shook my head “I was so frozen. It was pathetic.” Banner shook his head “that’s not pathetic. It’s okay to be scared sometimes. It’s not your fault.”

I hid my face in the crook of peters neck holding Steve’s hand. Steve was always my favourite and he was even my crush. But nobody went over Peters head. “Mj kept telling me I was pretty but it’s so easy for you guys to talk. You have hot perfect bodies. Like Steve has really hot abs. Because they aren’t like “I’ll crush you” abs but they’re “let’s cuddle and kiss” abs. Natashas body is self explanatory, and Peter. Oh Peter. You have the cutest face ever and that one time I saw you in your boxers- oh my god. Whatever! Point in fact is you’re all so perfect and ripped and you probably have really big-“ Peter slapped a hand over my mouth “okay. That’s enough talking.” I giggled a bit.

After that it took me a while to get back to my regular eating habits. But someone would always check in. I was only given rehab monsters till I could stop drinking them all together. They agreed not to tell my family as long as I ate properly. It was fun being able to eat whatever I wanted again. But I still felt conscious about my weight so Nat would help me find better ways to lose weight. We always dragged Wanda Pepper Steve May Peter and Tony to the gym. Often, Steve would bring Bucky and Sharon. I mostly just felt the urge to punch Sharon. Pepper would even bring Maria. Though I was getting healthier I was still finding that I wasn’t always feeling good. Steve said it’s because I have to stop staying up and playing with Peters lego but Nat thinks it’s just my body getting back into its old habits. Tony said it’s from listening to anything Steve says and Bruce says that it’s normal and my body is detoxing or something. Peter just likes to give me cuddles and kisses and belly rubs. Fury tells me he just wants everyone to shut up. Thor thinks I might not be able to go back to normal.

I hope you guys liked, it’s my first time writing about things like this so I hope you enjoyed it :)

#avengers endgame #avengers #glorious purpose #tom holland #spider man #eating problems #15 #natasha romanoff #Steve Rodgers #mom and dad vibes #lowkey daddy vibes from Steve rn

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heelmcmahon · 4 years ago

Text

Ring Games ♛ Adam Cole

fem!reader x adam cole

18+ readers

warnings: just smut lol

word count: 3337

- The daughter of Shawn Michaels, Y/N, is a wrestler in NXT. She currently feuds with NXT women's champion, Shayna Baszler in a storyline. Her good friend, Finn Balor is the #1 contender for the NXT championship, currently held by Adam Cole. A mixed tag match has been set up for NXT Takeover: Atlanta, winner takes all, no DQ with both titles on the line.

----------

You do your final stretches before having to walk down the ramp to the ring. This would be the biggest match of your WWE career thus far. You and your tag partner for the night, Finn Balor were hoping to win your respective titles in a hard fought match in the main event. This would be his 3rd title reign and your 2nd. You previously held the title for 89 days before losing it to Shayna Baszler in a ladder match. Your rematch had finally arrived.

You feel a hand on your shoulder whilst shaking off any nerves you may have. You turn your head to see one of your opponents for the night, Adam Cole. Adam was never really a friendly guy to you. He loved to tease you and make sarcastic jokes and snarky comments. There wasn't really any bad blood, he's just an annoying guy to be around. Also, everyone knew how much of a flirt he was. You couldn't help but feel like there was some sort of tension between the two of you. He knew it too. You two are always flirting with each other, you more subtle than him. Your most common form of flirtatiousness was nicknames.

"Hey, Michaels. Don't wine too much when you come up short tonight, it's not easy facing a guy like Adam Cole Bay Bay.", he says. Your ring name is Melody Michaels, after your dad, the Heartbreak Kid, Shawn Michaels. It was hard at first to make a name for yourself in this business without being compared to your dad all the time, but soon you realized you could embrace it and be your own person at the same time. You take a lot of inspiration from him with your moveset. Hopefully tonight will really take your career to the next level.

"Sure, Cole. I'll do my best, just for you." you replied back with a fake smile so he clearly knew you were being sarcastic.

"This outfit you've put together tonight is really something different. I've never seen you wear something like it." He's clearly checking you out since you catch his eyes on your thighs. He was right though. Tonight you had new gear made for the special occasion of main eventing Takeover. You wear a dark purple set. It consists of a top that cuts off a little bit below your boobs with thick straps that cross across your back like an X. The top is sparkly and is lined with rhinestones. The bottoms are high waisted and reach just under your butt. They are super tight and lift a little above your thighs on the sides. They are also coated in glitter and lined with rhinestones. You wear your normal black fishnet tights, black knee pads, and your wrestling boots. You also decide to do your makeup a little heavier than usual. Nothing too extreme but still flawless and noticeable. You're also wearing your signature black leather jacket with a broken heart on the back to carry the legacy of your father. Your hair is curled and hangs low to the middle of your back.

"Yeah well I want to look good when Finn and I win our titles back". You don't look at him when you respond; you stay focussed on your warmup.

"Whatever you say, babe. I'll see you in the ring then." He walks past you but not before sending a wink your way. You simply roll your eyes and dismiss it.

----------

"And his tag team partner, from Chandler, Arizona: Melody Michaels!" The crowd roars as your name is announced and theme song plays. Finn stands by the end of the ramp waiting for you. You share a quick look, nod to each other, and then proceed to the ring. Shayna and Adam stand in the back corner of the ring eyeing you down. Finn walks up the stairs and holds the ropes open for you. You step in and walk with confidence to the front of the ring, facing the hard camera. You hold your arms out and yell words to pump up you and the crowd. You do the same for the right side of the ring and then turn your back to the camera to acknowledge the fans behind you. Finn waits in the ring for you to finish your entrance while Shayna looks around at the crowd with an annoyed face as they chant your name. Adam however can't keep his eyes off you. He has a sly smirk on his face. Your music dies down and you go stand next to Finn, across from Adam and Shayna.

"The following contest is a Mixed Gender Tag Team Winner Take All Extreme Rules Match! And it is for the NXT Women's Championship and the NXT Championship! Introducing first: the challengers. Melody Michaels and Finn Balor!

You and Finn step forward and acknowledge the fans cheering for you. You turn your head to yell in your opponents faces. "Better say goodbye to your title reigns because those championships are coming back to where they belong." Shayna simply rolls her eyes but Adam responds. "Not a chance, babe. Now backup and let the champs get introduced." He says.

You take a step back and think about his words. He is such a flirty jerk, but you couldn't help but feel butterflies when he called you babe this time around.

When Alicia Taylor introduces Adam and Shayna, you watch Adam take a few steps forward and yell at the crowd. Shayna does her signature "Queen of Spades" pose. They turn back around and hold their titles up to the ref. Adam sends you another quick wink, but before you can process it, the bell is rung.

----------

You're about 15 minutes into the match. Finn and Adam lay outside the ring trying to regain some strength after they both went through tables. You and Shayna fight in the ring. You hit her with a fisherman suplex and go for the pin. She kicks out at 2. Before she can get back up, you grab her and put her in her own submission, the Kirifouda Clutch. She is slowly fading, but she reversed it and somehow gets your shoulders pinned to the mat. You also kick out at 2. You both get back to your feet. She charges at you and you use her momentum to send her over the top rope. Shayna now stands on the apron. You run to the ropes to gain momentum and spear her through the middle rope. She hits the floor hard. You throw your hands up and taunt to the crowd. However, when you turn back around, Adam Cole stands in the ring.

"What is it, Cole? Are you gonna punch me?" You ask in a fake pouty voice with a puppy dog lip. You hold your hands around your back in an innocent way.

"I could never hit you, babe. You know that." he says looking down at you.

You find a wave of confidence come over you as the crowd cheers. You respond, "Well, what is it that you want, handsome?" Your hand now rest on Adam's bare chest as you get a little closer to him. His face shows that he is surprised by the nickname you've given him.

"Come on now, Michaels, you know what I want." He takes a step closer to you with a seductive look on his face. Now it's his turn to place his hands on your body. He rests them low on your waist.

Out of the corner of your eye, you see Finn start to make it to his feet again. You play along with Adam while you see Finn slide into the ring. You also take a step closer to Adam and lift your head up a bit (if it's even possible to get closer). Your mouths are just inches away from touching.

"I'm not sure I do, Cole. But I do know one thing, maybe you should turn around."

He looks confused as he turns around. You get out of the way so Finn can hit Adam with a sling blade. Adam lays on the ground and you look down at him, "Sorry, handsome, I guess that's just what happens when you aren't paying attention." You send him a wink.

Finally, Finn Balor climbs to the top rope and hits Adam with the Coup de Grace. Before he goes for the pin, you see Shayna get back in the ring. With your quick thinking, you tune up the band and kick her square in the face with some Sweet Chin Music. You and Finn both go for the cover on your opponents.

3! The bell rings.

"Here are your winners, and new NXT Women's Champion and NXT Champion: Melody Michaels and Finn Balor!"

The crowd is going crazy. You pull Finn in for a hug and then clink your titles together in a celebratory fashion. Shayna looks beyond pissed. Adam on the other hand, has a look of pure anger, but yet a look of lust is written on his face. You blow him a kiss and display a smirk as you and Finn exit the ring. You walk up the ramp with your backs to the titantron as Adam Cole is still staring you down.

You and Finn walk through the curtain and arrive backstage. You two are greeted with hugs, congratulations, water bottles, and towels. You place your titles down on a road case.

"I had such a great time tagging with you tonight, Y/N", Finn says, "Hopefully we'll get another mixed tag match soon."

"I couldn't agree more, Finn! You seriously killed it out there. I'll see you tomorrow for lunch?" you say.

"You know it. See ya then, Y/N". He gives you a long hug and walks towards the men's locker room.

It isn't long before Adam and Shayna come through the curtain. Shayna shakes your hand and you two have a quick and casual conversation about the match and working together. Then, Adam walks your way. With no warning at all, he grabs your hand pulls you out of gorilla. He drags you through the halls of the arena until you reach his private locker room that he shares with the rest of the Undisputed Era. The room is empty since the Kyle, Bobby, and Roddy left after their matches earlier in the show.

Adam pulls you into the room and quickly shuts the door. He wastes no time before pushing you up against the wall. His left hand is placed on your lower back, pulling you close to him so your lower halves are touching. His right hand is next to your head, resting on the wall. Your faces are extremely close together, but there is still a few inches in between you.

"What the hell was that out there? Huh? Explain to me what that was all about?" Adam says, clearly extremely annoyed.

You decide to act dumb and play innocent. "I'm not sure I know what you're talking about, babe." You stare into his blazing blue eyes.

"Don't play dumb with me, Y/N. You distracted me in the ring and I lost my title because of it. So, now you're gonna pay for it." Adam has an intense and serious look on his face but his eyes long with lust.

You reply to him, your faces now closer than ever. Your hands roam Adam's chest and slide over every part of his abs, quickly looking down at them. "Oh? I'm gonna pay for it? How so?" You look up at him again.

"We are going back to my hotel room and I'm gonna fuck you into the mattress until you scream my name loud for everyone to hear." He says.

You answer simply. "I'll meet you at your car in 10." Your hands slide down Adam's arms and you pull away from him, exiting the room, but not before winking at him for the millionth time tonight.

You walk to the women's locker room. You strip out of your sweaty ring gear and put on your casual everyday clothes. You wear a pair of leggings, a cropped yellow top, with white shoes. You pair it with your WWE PC jacket since it is a bit chilly tonight. You grab your large bag and carry it out to the parking lot.

The walk to Adam's car was much easier than you thought it would be. You spot him leaning on the driver door. He looks up from his phone and sees you coming, so he hops into the driver's seat.

---

The car ride back to the hotel was only about 4 minutes. It was silent, but not awkward. You could not wait to get inside and let Adam see and touch every part of your body.

When Adam pulls up to the hotel, you both grab all of your items, walk in, and check in. You walk up to a desk and Adam talks to the lady at the desk next to you. Somehow he finishes checking in before you and walks over to the desk you're being helped at.

"You can just cancel her room", he tells the front desk lady helping you, "she's gonna stay with me tonight," he tell the woman. You shoot him a very knowing look. The front desk lady looks at you and says, "You don't need this room?". You look up at Adam and he's looking down at you. His face looks so serious and stern. He simply states to you, "You don't need that room, Y/N." You look back to the lady at the desk and say, "Sorry, I won't be needing a room tonight." She looks down at her computer screen pushing some buttons. Before she gets the chance to look back up, you are pulled by the arm to the nearest elevator.

Before you can even say one word to Adam about that whole front desk show he just put on, his lips are planted on yours. You hear a ding, signaling that the elevator doors are closing.

With no thinking at all, you kiss him back. Your back is pressed to a wall in the elevator. Adam's hands are set low on your back. You have one on his chest and one in his hair. The kiss is so passionate and full of desire. You both want more. His tongue swipes across your bottom lip. You allow him to deepen the kiss. When he does, a soft sound escapes your lips. This makes Adam crazy. He removes his left hand and places it on your butt. Eventually, his hand rises from your butt to your waist. He plays with the hem of your cropped tank top signaling that he wants it off. Before the kiss can escalate anymore, the elevator doors open. Both of you break the kiss, quickly gather your bags, and move as fast as you can to Adam's hotel room, which apparently you were staying in tonight.

Adam opens the door and you both enter. He pulls you to the bed and pushes you to sit on the edge of the bed. He slowly crawls over you, his hand roaming your body the whole time. Finally, Adam says something, "You're gonna do whatever I say. The only thing I want to hear coming from your mouth is my name. Do you understand?" His voice is very stern. You nod with fake innocence written all over your face, excited for what's to come.

"Good girl." Adam's mouth attacks yours again. His hair drapes over your face like a curtain. His hand reaches for your shirt again. This time, he pulls it off your body. Adam breaks the kiss to pull your leggings and panties off in one go, as you remove your bra. Adam stands up and removes his clothing as well. When he lays back down, you climb on top.

Another strong and sloppy kiss begins. This time Adam shows dominance as he attacks your neck and shoulders instead of your mouth. You let moans escape your mouth. Your fingers are laced in Adam's long hair. Shortly later, Adam gives you a command. "On your back, now."

You remove yourself from Adam's grasp and lay down on the bed. Adam takes in the sight of your naked body. "Damn, babe. I've been waiting for this moment for so long" Adam says. You let out a slight giggle.

Next, Adam gives you no warning and slide one finger deep into your soaking wet pussy. You groan loudly, not expecting the sudden pleasure. Adam seems satisfied with your reaction. He slides in another finger, pumping in out out. Now you're really a moaning mess. Adam takes your vocalness as a sign to add another finger. He slides in and out of your body at a rapid pace. You yell out, "Oh god! Adam! Please!" When Adam feels that you are getting close to your climax, he pulls his fingers out of you. "Good girls get to come, you cost me my title. This isn't going to be easy for you, babe." Adam says to you. You try to catch your breath as ecstasy almost washes over you. You close your legs and wine a bit, not getting the full feeling of overwhelming pleasure.

Adam harshly opens your legs back up. Once again with no warning at all, he slams his cock into you. Now you really scream out. Feeling embarrassed, you drape your arm over your moth in an attempt to keep quiet. Adam notices this and pins your arms on the bed on each side of your head. "Not today, babe, I want you to scream my name so everyone in the building knows who's giving you the best sex of your life."

And with that, Adam picks up the pace. He slams into your body over and over and over, watching you every step of the way. Skin slapping and the bed creaking fills the room. The sounds that escape your mouth make Adam thrust even harder. Suddenly, he rams hard into your g-spot.

"Oh my fucking god! Adam! Don't stop! Oh god!" You moan in pleasure.

"That's right, baby, yell my name. Scream it." Adam lowly groans out.

"Adam, I'm gonna come," you say.

"Not until I hear you screaming my name." Adam says. He thrusts even harder than before, slamming every time directly into your g-spot. Except now, his thumbs plays around with your clit.

"Adam! Adam! Oh my fuck- Adam! Shit!" You finally scream out. Your vision is quickly taken away as your eyes are tightly shut. The ecstasy and pleasure washing over you right now in this moment is unlike any other sex you've had before.

Adam finally allows you to release, "That's right, baby, fuckin' scream it." He releases shortly after into your pussy. You both ride out your orgasms as Adam thrusts slowly and deeply into your body.

Adam lays on the bed next to you as you both catch your breath.

"Fucking shit, Adam," you say.

He laughs quietly and replies, "I hope you're ready for round 2, tonight isn't gonna be easy for you."

And with that, the rest of the night was spent fucking until daylight. As the night went on, Adam became more and more aggressive. You seriously didn't know if you would be able to walk at all tomorrow. But that's tomorrow's problem, right now you're just focussed on Adam... and will be all night.

#adamcole #adam cole x reader #adamcolewwe #adamcoleroh #adamcolesmut #wwesmut #adam cole imagine #imagines #wwe fanfiction #wwe imagine #wrestling #wrestling imagine

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