#never went through divorce stuff not my parents either so dunno much about it

[magicalsantanalopez]

Private:

not to worry the court case is on the sixth of August so if you can wait two more days I can give you those documents as well. which I appreciate that you are being so loyal despite everything, I too don't want to cheat on Britt, so until it's official, I will just go for a drink and a good conversation.

PRIVATE:

As a lawyer, even if not a divorce one, I know better than to toe the line when it comes to things actually being final. Because she could still contest this. So, until the paperwork from the judge comes in saying that it's fully final, nothing too fun will be happening between us. Drinks, I can do, but nothing more. Infidelity could come back to bite you in the ass, even if things are technically over because there's a vast difference between filed and final, and while this is a step in the correct direction, I'm going to stay a safe distance, for both our sakes.

[thetravelerwrites]

Urgan (Orc)

Rating: Mature Relationship: Male Human/Male Orc Additional Tags: Exophilia, Monster Boyfriend, Orc, Male Reader, MLM, Gay Reader, Football Captain, College, Friends to Lovers Content Warnings: Alcohol Poisoning, Children, Kids, Pregnancy, Unwanted Pregnacy, Mention of Abortion, College Drop-Out, Strong Language, Drug Use, Angst, Super Angst, ALL THE ANGST Words: 4385

A super duper angsty commission by the wonderful @severedreamerbeard​​! Urgan is the captain of his college football team and all around cool dude. He's an extremely reliable guy with his whole life ahead of him... until the woman he's been dating winds up pregnant, which turns his entire world upside down. The reader, Urgan's best friend, tries to help as much as he can while watching Urgan's life fall apart. Please reblog and leave feedback!

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Urgan had been your best friend since preschool. You were human and he was an orc, but you were both jocks growing up, both in sports, both athletic. He’d been there with you through all the major events in your life. He was there when your parents divorced, when you came out as gay in middle school, and when the teammates who had once been friends started bullying you because of it. He was always there.

You hoped you had been as good a friend to him as he had been to you. You were there when his dad died, when his mom remarried someone he hated, and when his highschool sweetheart cheated on him. After all that, the two of you were closer than brothers.

College life was easier on both of you. You both had gotten a sports scholarship and found a friend group that was a lot of fun to hang out with. Parties were epic, classes were less so, but you were living the life and loving every second of it.

Then it changed. Not for everyone, not even for you. Or at least, it didn’t have to. You could have made different choices. It would have been far easier if you had, you were sure. But…

“How long have you been dating Kelly?” You asked him over a beer. The two of you were sitting out on the front porch of a house party currently in full swing.

“Who?” He snorted, half-asleep. He’d pulled an all-nighter the day before preparing for his psych exam.

“Kelly,” You said, pointing into the open door at the girl wearing a halter with a half-empty vodka bottle in her hand, some of which she’d spilled on her chest, grinding on another girl who was sucking the vodka off of her clavicle.

“I wouldn’t say we’re ‘dating’,” He replied, throwing back a large swig of his beer. “Fucking, yes. I’m not trying to date anyone right now. I don’t have the time.” He threw his beer bottle into a large trash barrel and stood up. “Where’s Derek? He owes me fifty bucks.”

“For what?” You asked, standing up and following him through the house. He slapped Kelly’s ass as he passed her on the way inside, and she laughed.

“I borrowed it to buy coke three weeks ago,” He said.

“Didn’t he almost OD?” You asked.

“Yeah, but that ain’t my fault, I want my money,” Urgan said, muscling his way through the crowd.

“Don’t be an asshole, bro,” You said, still following him.

“I’m not being an asshole! It’s not like he learned anything, I bet you five bucks he’s doing coke right now.”

“Yeah, I’m not taking that bet,” You laughed. “I don’t know of a time when he’s not on coke. I think he was high when we first met.”

“That’s my point. You know I’m cool about that stuff normally, but it’s affecting his performance on the field,” Urgan grumbled. “I’m team captain, and if he doesn’t straighten up, I have to kick him off the team, friend or not. We lost to E.U. because of him.”

You grimaced. E.U. had been your school’s rival for generations. The loss hurt and was a huge blow to Urgan. It didn’t help that it was televised nationally.

“If you kick him off the team, the other guys will be pissed,” You reasoned.

“I know that,” He said grumpily. “But managing the team internally is my job. If I don’t do something about it, coach will either demote me or kick me off with him for not handling it when I should have. I can’t afford to lose my scholarship over some douchebag’s coke habit.” He made his way into the garage at the opposite end of the house and smacked a seated Derek on the back of the head. “Hey, Derek! Money! Now!”

“Dude, back off!” Derek protested. “I’ll get it to you when I get it, damn!”

“Not good enough,” Urgan said, kicking the mirror that was in front of Derek. Powder went flying.

“Hey!” Derek said, standing up and taking a swing at Urgan. Urgan ducked and caught Derek’s arm, pinning it behind him. He was always quick.

“Quit the coke or quit the team,” Urgan said, snarling. “We’re not losing another game because you’re too high to play.”

“The fuck are you talking about, man?” Derek said, struggling. “Don’t blame that shit on me! It’s not my fault you can’t organize your team!”

“I’m serious, dude,” Urgan said, pushing Derek to the ground. “I’m not getting punished for you. Straighten up or fuck off.”

“Suck my dick, asshole,” Derek said. He jerked his chin at you. “Or get your boyfriend to do it.”

Words like that were water off your back at this point, but it always riled Urgan up. You could already see him tensing.

“Let it go, dude,” You said, pulling him back. “Derek, seriously, you’re bringing the whole team down. Lay off the drugs, at least until after the championship.”

“Get the fuck out of my house if you’re going to act all high and mighty,” Derek said, pushing past you. “And you can forget that fifty bucks. It’s all over the ground now.”

Urgan’s fists were balled up and he was breathing hard.

“He’s not going to stop,” Urgan said.

“Come on, dude,” You said, smacking him on the shoulder. “You’re not going to accomplish anything here. Take it to the field. Show him why you’re captain.”

“I guess,” He said. “I’m hungry, man, let’s grab something.”

“Sure,” You said. “Kelly’s coming over to your place after the party, though, right?”

“Yeah, but she won’t be any shape to do anything but sleep. She knows where the key is, she’ll be fine.”

Finals were coming up, and most people were holed up in their rooms or dorms studying. Urgan was a decent student and never really worried about tests, though you hadn’t heard from him in a couple of days, which was odd. He could have been working a lot; he had a part-time job to pay for his own studio apartment. He said the dorms were too small for him.

“Urgan? No, I haven’t seen him in a week.” Joey said. Joey was a coworker from the bar where Urgan worked and also an ex-boyfriend of yours. You bumped into him at the university’s library while looking for Urgan. Urgan hadn’t answered his door when you went to check on him, so you figured he had to be here.

“Is he sick?” You asked, taking out your phone. You’d texted him awhile ago and you saw that he had seen it, but he hadn’t responded.

“I dunno,” Joey said. “All I know is that he asked the boss for some personal time. It could just be finals getting to him.”

You frowned. “Hmm… I’m going back to his apartment. He’s never been this quiet before. Something’s not right.”

“Tell him to come back to work. All the girls try to flirt with me when he’s not there. I need him to be my shield.”

You laughed and waved him off, heading out.

“Urgan!” You called, knocking insistently on his door. “Open the door! Are you alright?”

No answer. Frustrated, you got the spare key that was hidden in a slit of the doormat and unlocked the door. His apartment was dark and looked normal. Urgan was a fairly tidy guy, and nothing was really out of place.

“Urgan!” You called again, walking around the partition that obscured his bed. There he was, passed out on top of his blankets. There were empty bottles of liquor everywhere. Your heart stopped.

“Oh, fuck, please don’t be dead,” You said, crawling on the bed to slap him in the face. “Urgan, wake up!” His skin was cold, which scared the shit out of you, but after a minute feeling for a pulse on his neck you found a heartbeat, and you could see him breathing very slowly, so at least he was alive. But he wasn’t responding to your attempts to rouse him.

“Shit.” You took out your phone and called and called emergency services.

“911, what’s the nature of your emergency?”

“Hey, I need an ambulance, I think my friend has alcohol poisoning.” You said quickly, hoping it was intelligible, and gave them the address.

“Okay, sir, how long has this been going on?”

“I’m not sure, I just found him. I haven’t heard from him in days. He’s got a pulse, but he won’t wake up.”

“Is he cold to the touch?”

“Yes.”

“Is he breathing?”

“Slowly, but yes.”

“Can you make sure his airway is clear?”

You put the phone down and opened his mouth. There didn’t seem to be anything in the way.

“It’s clear,” You said.

“Alright, sir, I’ve got an ambulance on the way. Do me a favor and turn him on his side and bend the leg that’s on the top. Keep his airway clear and keep an eye on his breathing.”

“Okay,” You said, doing as the operator said and trying to keep calm.

The ambulance arrived within minutes, and after several moments of the EMTs attempting to wake him and failing, they loaded him in the rig. You were able to ride with him to the hospital. They took you both to a room, and you stood back as they began hooking Urgan up to all sorts of tubes and wires. They put a tube in his mouth because his breathing was weak and slowing down. They put him on a heavy saline drip and debated whether or not to pump his stomach. Eventually, they left him to rest and you sat with him.

“What the fuck is happening with you, man?” You asked him quietly as he slept.

Eventually, you fell asleep, and when you woke up, they were taking the air tube out of his throat. Urgan was awake and groaning in discomfort as it was removed.

“Dude, what the hell?” You said, standing up.

His eyes were bloodshot and he looked extremely sick, but at least he was awake. He waited for the doctors and the nurses to leave so that it was just you and him before he answered you.

“Kelly’s pregnant,” He said hoarsely. “It’s mine. She’s sure of it.”

“Oh, shit,” You said, sitting back down in the chair next to him. “I thought you used protection.”

“I do,” He said in frustration. “The condom must have broken or something. She told me she was on the pill. I don’t know what happened. I’m so fucking screwed.”

“You may not be,” You said, trying to comfort him, but you knew he was right. Being team captain meant that you put the team before everything. If you had another priority, you couldn’t be team captain. Not to mention the scandal of having a kid during the height of his college career would destroy his reputation and make him seem irresponsible. A baby right now was going to ruin him.

“Don’t bullshit me. I can’t show my face at school. Coach is going to kick my ass as soon as he finds out. My life is over.”

“Don’t talk like that, man,” You said. “What’s Kelly saying about all this? Has she told anyone?”

“No, not yet,” He said, covering his eyes. “Well, she hadn’t when I started drinking, but I don’t know if she has now.”

“She wants to keep it?”

“I don’t know. I didn’t get farther than ‘I’m having a baby and it’s yours’. And then I just started drinking and didn’t stop.”

“How far along is she?”

“Three months, she said.”

“How does she know it’s yours?”

“I was the only person she was sleeping with at the time. We were thinking about dating seriously, but it didn’t work out that way.”

“Do you believe that?”

“I don’t know. We’ll find out, I guess.”

You frowned deeply. “She’s… been partying pretty hard in the last three months.”

Urgan rubbed his face. “I know. I’m scared shitless the kid is going to be born fucked up.”

“Do you… think you can talk her into giving it up? For adoption, I mean? She doesn’t seem like mom material.”

“I don’t know,” He said. “I don’t know what she’ll do.”

“What about…” You hesitated to mention it. “What about an abortion?”

“That’s her decision,” He said vaguely. “It’s her body.”

“Do you want me to talk to her?”

“No, don’t,” He said. “I’ll do it when I’ve got my head on right.”

“Dude, look where you are right now,” You said, gesturing vaguely. “Let me at least call her.”

He sighed. “Fine.”

You took Urgan’s phone, which was in his back pocket when he was brought in, and called Kelly. She was surprised to hear about Urgan’s condition and said she’d come up to the hospital.

She arrived an hour later and you gave them some privacy to talk. It was a while, so you went to grab a soda. When you came back, Kelly was leaving with tears on her face. You went in and saw Urgan sitting up in bed. His eyes were red from crying.

“Hey man, are you okay?”

“No,” He said, wiping his face and sniffing. “She’s going to keep it. I’m leaving school.”

“What?” You said, coming around. “What are you talking about?”

“I’m gonna finish out the semester but I’m leaving before the baby is born. I have to find a better job. I’m hoping I can come back when the baby is a bit older, like when they start school or something, and finish my degree.”

“But you only have a year left! Are you sure this is what you want to do?”

“No!” He shouted. “I don’t want to leave school! I’ve been dreaming of this scholarship since I was a kid! It was my dad’s dream! But I’m not going to be a deadbeat! I have to find a decent job before the baby is born. I don’t have a choice.”

You were stunned to silence and just listen to him breathe through his tears.

“Are you and Kelly staying together?”

“Fuck no,” He said vehemently. “We both know that would be stupid. She’s going to stay in school as long as she can. She’s supposed to be due in winter sometime, so I should have enough saved up by then to give her for the baby, to make sure they’re comfortable.” He scowled. “I’m sure Derek is going to be thrilled. I can just see the look on his face now.”

“Don’t worry about that jackass,” You said. “Dude, I… Is there anything I can do to help out?”

He shook his head. “Kelly and I are going to keep this quiet until the end of the semester so that we don’t have to deal with anyone bullshit. After that, we’ll start telling people.”

“You’re not going to tell your mom?”

“Not yet. I can’t face her yet. She’s going to be so disappointed in me.” His tears began to fall again, and all you could do was put a hand on his shoulder and be there for him.

“I won’t say anything to anyone,” You told him. “I’m still your best friend, no matter what. If you need anything, you know I got you.”

“Thanks, man,” He said, his voice breaking.

Urgan finished out school as he planned, barely scraping a passing grade, and then notified everyone that he wouldn’t be returning. As expected, his coach was furious, his mom was disappointed, and the team was dumbfounded. Derek was the only person who seemed to be enjoying the situation.

During summer, he asked for an amniocentesis, both to prove whether or not Urgan was the father, and also to check for any genetic conditions, since Kelly’s family had a history of genetic diseases. Urgan was hoping that she was lying about only sleeping with him around the time she conceived and that he would wind up not the father so he could go back to school, but the test was conclusive. The baby was his.

Urgan found work pretty quickly at a seafood processing plant near town. It was grueling work and it didn’t pay much, but it was a full-time job and had healthcare benefits, which was the best he could hope for in these circumstances. He began saving immediately to buy clothes and diapers for his kid, which he recently found out was a little girl, and was in frequent contact with Kelly. He didn’t attend any of the doctor’s visits at Kelly’s request. Not that he wanted to be there in the first place.

You continued with college and partied like a normal college guy, stayed on the football team, and was promoted to captain. Urgan seemed happy for you and gave you pointers on leadership. If he resented you for it, he gave no sign.

Many of Urgan’s old friends, mostly team members, dropped him immediately. They no longer invited him to parties or events, and when you mentioned inviting him, they shot you down. As far as you knew, the only one who still stood by him was you, and you couldn’t be there as much as you wanted to as you now had responsibilities with the team.

Even still, if he called, you dropped what you were doing and went over. You promised you’d be there, and you were going to keep that promise. He was your best friend and you were going to stand with him. No matter what.

Urgan’s daughter, Roga, was born in November. She was small, even for a half-orc. You were there in the waiting room for the birth with the grandparents. It might have been your presence that stopped them from being at each other’s throats; the animosity in the air was palpable. Kelly’s dad was there, looking not-best-pleased at Urgan’s mom, despite her being nearly twice his size, but no harsh words were said.

Urgan came out in the full paper surgical outfit, holding the baby. He even seemed happy.

“Here she is,” He said, holding her out for the grandparents to see.

“Oh, isn’t she precious,” Urgan’s mom, Reana, said. “She’s got your eyes, Urg.”

“Yeah,” He said, smiling. “She looks a bit like dad, don’t you think?”

“She does!” Reana said brightly. “That nose definitely looks like his.”

The grandparents took turns holding the baby, and then went in to see the mother.

“Hey,” Urgan said to you, the only one left in the room. “Do you want to hold her?”

You chuckled nervously. “I dunno, man, I’ve never held a baby.”

“Neither have I, before today,” He said. “You don’t have to. I just wanted to offer since everyone else got to.”

“Yeah, but they’re family.”

“You’re family, too,” He said, looking at you like you were being an idiot.

You smiled a little and held out your arms, and Urgan carefully lay the baby into them. She was small and squishy and her face was all wrinkly. Babies all looked like potatoes to you. But she reached out and yawned and grabbed at your hand, and you couldn’t help but smile.

“She’s cute,” You said, letting her grip your finger.

“Yeah,” He said, grinning.

“How’s Kelly?”

“She hates my guts, but she’s okay.” Urgan reached out to take the baby, and you handed her over. “I should take Roga back. The lactation specialist wants to work with her.”

“I didn’t know there was a such thing as a lactation specialist,” You said with a laugh.

“Oh, yeah,” Urgan said. “The last nine months have been extremely informative.”

You snorted. “I bet.”

He took the baby back to Kelly and you sat in the waiting room, feeling a little awkward. Why were you here? You weren’t really family. You knew you were supporting Urgan, but… he didn’t really need you there right now. He seemed fine. Happy even, considering the circumstances. Maybe… maybe you should go. You really didn’t belong here.

You texted Urgan to let him know something had come up and to call you if you needed him, and he told you that it was okay, and to be careful going home. As you left, you sighed in relief. But you also felt a little guilty.

Six months later was graduation. You finished top of your class and made valedictorian. You knew that if Urgan had still been in school, he’d have gotten that honor, but…

Urgan didn’t come to graduation, and you understood why. Kelly crossed the stage and accepted her diploma, and you couldn’t help feel a little resentful at her, despite the fact that it wasn’t her fault that Urgan wasn’t there, either. They really had done everything they were supposed to do--used protection, used birth control, was careful--but things just happen sometimes. Even still, it felt like Urgan was the one who had sacrificed the most and had gotten nothing in return.

You managed to get a job at an accounting firm almost immediately after graduation. It was a boring job but the money was good. You were hoping it would be a stepping stone to a better career later.

Since getting the job, you hadn’t really seen or spoken to Urgan much. You were still his best friend, but… you had your own life to live. You felt guilty about it, but your world couldn’t stop just because his had.

Urgan was still working at the fish processing plant, working long hours to support Roga. Urgan was basically paying Kelly’s rent and bills plus everything Roga needed for both homes, since he took her on the weekends from Friday night to Monday morning, when he dropped her off on the way to work.

However, a month after graduation, Urgan called you in a panic.

“Kelly’s gone,” He said. “She’s left. I got a text from her saying she’s gone to Canada.”

“What?” You asked in disbelief. “Did she take Roga?”

“No, I’ve got her here.” He said, his voice shaking. “When she texted me, I was scared she had run off with the baby, but she left Roga with her stepdad. I just picked her up and I’m bringing her back home with me.”

You felt terrible for hoping Kelly had taken Roga with her to Canada. Even though you knew it wasn’t Roga’s fault, all you wanted was for Urgan’s life to go back to normal. You just wanted him to have the things he should have had if Roga hadn’t been born. And you hated yourself for thinking that.

“Are you okay?”

“I don’t know,” He said. He sounded extremely distressed. “Can you meet me at my apartment, please? I need someone to talk to. You’re all I have left.”

“Yeah, of course, I’ll be right there,” You said, picking up your keys.

“Thank you,” He said, and then hung up. He was audibly crying.

You made it to Urgan’s apartment before he did, and you saw him step out of the elevator carrying a ton of baby stuff in one arm and hauling Roga in her carseat in the other.

“Can you take her, please?” Urgan said. He looked pale and in shock.

“Yeah, of course,” You said, taking her carrier and looking inside. She was sleeping with a stuffed griffon clutched in her baby hands. “Is she okay?”

“I think so,” He said, unlocking his door. His apartment was strewn with kid stuff. It was so much different than the last time you’d seen it.

“I’m sorry about the mess,” He said, dropping the load he was carrying in the middle of the floor.

“Dude, I don’t care about the mess, are you okay?” You asked.

“I…” He ran his fingers through his hair. He was visibly shaking. “I don’t know if I can do this alone. I had accepted being a dad, but I don’t know if I can be… the only parent. I… I don’t know any babysitters for when I’m working. I don’t… is she off breastmilk? When was her last check up? When is she supposed to see the doctor again? Kelly didn’t tell me those things because I.. I figured she had it handled. I was making sure they had everything they needed. I didn’t think I’d…”

“Okay, calm down,” You said. “Roga is fine. You can find all of that stuff out. I’ll help, I’ll help however I can, okay?”

“Okay,” He said, sitting on his couch heavily. “Okay.” He reached down into her carseat and unstrapped her, putting her against his shoulder, clutching her as if she was a warm stone and he was freezing. He was certainly shaking like he was.

This was the first time you’d seen Roga since she was born. Now that she’d had a chance to grow, she did look a lot like Urgan. It made you feel worse for resenting her.

“Look, can you watch her for a few minutes?” He asked suddenly. “I’m almost out of formula and I didn’t expect to have her right now. I was going to go Thursday to stock up. I don’t want to run out.”

“I…” You hesitated.

“Please,” He begged quietly. “Please. Ten minutes. I promise.”

You sighed. “Okay.”

He transferred Roga from his shoulder to yours. Uncertainly, you gripped her firmly.

“I’ll be right back, I promise,” Urgan said, and he was out the door.

There was a rocking bassinet near Urgan’s bed behind the divider, and you settled Roga in it, staring down at her peacefully sleeping form.

“I wish I didn’t hate you,” You told her, tears welling up in your eyes and falling down your cheeks. “But you took everything from him. I know it’s not your fault, but it doesn’t change anything. He’ll never be the man he should have been because of you.”

Roga sighed in her sleep and snugged into her bed without waking. You did nothing but sit on Urgan’s bed and stare at her the entire time Urgan was gone, allowing yourself to hate her and Kelly and the team at school and everyone who turned their back on Urgan when he needed them the most. When Urgan returned, your tears had dried, and you left.

Roga was still sleeping.

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My Masterlist

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[harrysgloves]

Let Your Hair Down (chapter xxiii)

Get caught up with the Let Your Hair Down Masterlist!

word count: 1,410

story summary: Harry gets more than he bargains for when he falls not only for you but your little girl as well.

chapter summary: Harry loses his cool.

warnings: Language

a/n: Well we’re close to the end. So kiss the good times goodbye. Glad we had them while they were around. xx

>>><<<

"Like hell she's goin' over there." Harry yelled the second he walked into your apartment. Slamming the door behind him.

"Harry." You sighed, sitting down the stuff you had gotten from the store on the kitchen counter.

He had been like this the whole way back to your apartment. Anger radiating off him, stomping the whole way. Not wanting to talk about it in public you kept pleading with him to keep his voice down as he cursed everything in existence.

"He's not fuckin' taking her. He'll have to kill me first. I'm not lettin' her go there with that dick." His hands running through his hair so fiercely you thought he was about to pull it out.

"Harry." You said again, a bit louder, trying your best to snap him out of his little episode. Your hands resting on the kitchen counter top, sighing heavily, head hanging down, when he kept up his ranting.

"I should 'ave kicked his ass. Y'should 'ave let me. He deserves it. That prick thinks he can just talk to y'like that? And then say he's goin' to take Thea?" You could see the smoke billowing from his ears the longer he paced your house.

"Harry!" You yelled, finally snapping his attention to you when you slammed your hand down on the countertop. Completely over the fact he was ignoring you.

"Wat?" He said dumbly like he hadn't heard you the previous two times you had called him name.

"Ryan's right. It's his weekend. There's nothing I can do about it." You bit your lip. Already upset about the fact she'd have to be apart from you the whole weekend. You hated being away from her.

"She's not going." His voice sounding so final. Leaving no room for argument but that wasn't how things worked. She had to go.

"She has to. If I don't send her I'm violating our parental agreement from the divorce. Police can force me to send her." Your shoulders fell. Knowing Ryan had you right where he wanted you. Knowing he'd won.

"We'll get a restraining order. He's hurt you. We can't send her there. What if he does it to her?" His eyebrows knitted together as he walked over to you, taking your hands in his.

"He's never hurt her and it's my words against his. A restraining order won't do shit." You sighed, leaning forward to rest your head against his chest.

You had no idea how the hell you were going to tell Thea she had to spend the weekend with Ryan. Just the other day she was asking Harry to be her dad and now her real dad wanted to be back in her life for all the wrong reasons.

"But I saw the marks he left so it's my word too." His arms wrapped around you, hugging you tightly.

"The marks that aren't there anymore? And I'm just supposed to walk into a police station and tell them what? That he hurt me and I never told anyone for years?" You scoffed, shaking your head and pulling back away from him.

This was probably the one thing that he'd never be able to understand. The need to not feel like a victim.

"Uh, yeh!" He said as if it was simple.

And you wanted to strangle him.

"They wouldn't believe me!" You yelled, turning around before you made it to your living room. Hands clenched closed by your side.

"Y'don't know that!" His voice raising just as much as yours had. His hands slamming on the countertop made you jump slightly. His eyes instantly softening when he saw your reaction.

"'M sorry. I jus' don't want her to go there." He sighed, walking over to your couch. Sitting down with his head in his hands, looking so defeated it broke your heart.

"I don't want her to either, H." You sat beside him, hand rubbing circles on his back softly, trying your best to comfort him.

"Then let's not send her. We could I dunno jus' go away fo' the weekend or somethin'" He tried to reason with you but it was pointless. There was no getting out of this one.

"She has to go. I have to send her." You started to feel like this conversation was going nowhere. Sighing as he sat up, obviously angry again, his eyebrows knitted together tightly as he stared you down.

"Y'don't. We could get lawyers, fight it." He tried another tactic of reasoning but the last thing you wanted was for a guy to come into your life and try to win all your battles for you.

You weren't a victim and you weren't some girl who needed to be saved from the messes she made herself.

You were your own damn hero and if he didn't understand that maybe he didn't understand you.

"Harry it's not your fight. It's mine." You said a bit more harsh than you initially meant to. Your frustration bubbling to the surface the longer you talked about this. He had to understand in the end she was your kid, it was your call.

"Wat's that supposed t'mean? That I shouldn't care 'bout her goin' there?" His hands gripping tightly onto his own knees as he looked at you. You could see the hurt written all over his face.

He just wanted to protect her the way he knew how even if you didn't completely agree with it, it was sweet that he cared so much about her.

"No, that's not what I'm saying. I have to make the right decisions for her." You shook your head, leaning back against the couch. Your hands rubbing against your eyes, this felt so pointless to be arguing about. She was your kid.

"Oh, so I don't know what's best fo' her is that it?" You could hear the disappointment in his voice and when you opened your eyes again you saw how hurt he was. His face fallen, eyes looking away from yours filled with so much pain.

You didn't want to hurt him, it was the last thing you wanted to do. You just wanted him to understand.

"She needs to have a relationship with her dad." You said sitting up and taking his hands in yours. Trying to get him to look at you but he refused. You could see the wheels in his head turning, his mind running with thought after thought.

"One that I don't interfere with. One that I try to encourage, even if he's a dick to me. She deserves a dad, Harry. I'm not taking that from her just because me and him have shit. That's not fair to her and you know it."

You sighed resting your head against his shoulder when his hands went back to cover his face. You felt defeated. Backed into a corner. Wanting her to have a dad but not wanting her to be used as a pawn in his fucked up game of controlling you.

You wanted her to be close to him. Wanted her to have two parents. Wanted her to have a dad who wanted to be around for the right reasons. A dad who would teach her how to parallel park and how to change a tire on her car. Who would freak out the first time she went on her first date. A dad who would eventually walk her down the aisle one day at her wedding.

You wanted her to have that so badly. Even though you tried your best to be a great mom you could never be everything to her. You couldn't fill the need in her heart for a father figure.

And you just wished Ryan would want to be that for his own kid.

That she would never have to wonder what she did wrong for him to not want to be around for her.

"I wish I was her dad." Harry said, breaking the silence and your heart when he got up from the couch. His eyes flooding with emotions and you could see him trying to hold back his tears.

Your eyebrows furrowing together as he walked to the door. His hands running through his hair as he paused with his hand on the door handle.

"I jus' need t'take a walk. I'll be back."

A just like that you were the one left on the couch. Sitting there alone, thinking how much you wanted the same thing. 

[morganaspendragonss]

ok stop me if I sound insane but I have an idea for a fic that I've been sitting on for a while very much related the last two asks. Just like, TK being a bit less kind or whatnot and he like,,moves away from his parents as soon as he can (because Gwen sure isn't great either). Maybe moves to Austin even. And then when Owen moves down to take over the station he's just so bitter and it stays that way (fics where it just sorts itself out drive me NUTS) but he doesn't tell anyone until Carlos and the others soften him up. And then he's just upset. And given the fact that I doubt Owen would improve much it'd be very found family esque with everyone else. I dunno TT_TT I keep having different ideas but I just want TK to be angry and Owen to not get away with his shizz

i love this idea! i mean, i am certainly in the camp of 'gwyn doesn't deserve hate for tk's upbringing because we literally know nothing' and 'owen's trauma is valid' however obviously tk was negatively effected by everything too and a seven year old boy is hardly going to understand why his dad is pulling away or why his parents are divorcing so i can easily see him becoming quite bitter about it.

i actually think he probably was bitter in canon which led him to his addiction, and then owen has been (unsuccessfully) playing catch up the rest of the time. but i digress.

i definitely think lingering negative feelings towards owen would be very realistic, especially if he's barely had any contact with either of his parents for, presumably, years. because he'll have been festering in that anger and betrayal and it'd be really difficult for tk to meaningfully connect with owen once he moves - he might even see it as him swooping in to be the hero all over again and almost a repetition of what happened when he was seven.

i'm putting your other two asks and the rest of my thoughts under a cut because otherwise this is going to be really long 😅

But I was thinking TK gets away as soon as he's able and he moves to Austin and leads a pretty solitary life, supported by his parents money out of like,,guilt or something until he can support himself and then he cuts them off completely. He had been a firefighter and all in New York to try with Owen but it didn't work so he gives it up until Owen moves to Austin too. So he lives and he works and he does stupid stuff on his own for a while, still all angry. Owen moves over and TK goes to get drunk and meets Judd and Grace. They help him out as much as TK will let them then TKs like "Hey eff you dad I'm gonna be a firefighter too" and he applies and gets the job.

And then TKs just sorta drained because things are as crappy as always and he gets closer with the crew. He probably meets Carlos after getting hurt on a call. This far I haven't figured out and I'm not sure what comes next, but I just really wanted to explore the emotional aspect to it all.

personally, i think if tk wanted to say fuck you to owen, i don't think becoming a firefighter would be the way to do it seeing as he's already tried doing that and he'd just be working alongside and under owen once more. if anything, owen would view that as tk extending an olive branch. so maybe a better fuck you would be for tk to join the paramedic team because then he wouldn't be following in owen's footsteps as it were and tk would still be able to almost rub his nose in just how good he is without him.

of course, though, it's your idea and i have no business sticking my nose in haha. just some thoughts! 💚

imagine if after a while on the team he gets pretty hurt though without too much permanent damage. And TKs like hey, why should I be miserable here when just seeing Owen upsets me and now I've gotten hurt and he's still terrible. And he starts a bakery or something so it's a soft and happy ending after all the tough stuff he went through earlier in the fic. And no he and Owen never reconcile I stand by that 😤 forgiveness isn't always the key

if you did have tk as a firefighter, you could make this the shooting and have it as the moment he switches to paramedic (i'm so sorry i just love paramedic tk i'm not trying to push it so much i swear 😭😭😭). but like a bakery would be awesome! i do like the idea that, while tk is a horrible cook, he can bake really well and i'm very soft over the thought of him starting up a bakery or something like that 🥰

thanks for sending me this! it was fun to think about and i'm always down to listen to other people's ideas 😊 if you have any other thoughts about this one i'd love to hear them!

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #420

lol blaze it (i’m funny i swear)

In your opinion, which fast food place has the best fries? Without a doubt, Bojangle's. Good. Shit. Are there hurricanes where you live? Yeah, they're common here. What do you hate the most about yourself? I'd really rather not get into this right about now. What song are you listening to right now? "Beast of Gévaudan" by Powerwolf. What was your first concert? Alice Cooper. Also my only concert. What’s your favorite Johnny Depp movie? Alice In Wonderland. Who did you last say “I love you” to? My sister. Do you like pumpkin pie? Anything pumpkin-flavored is a hell no from me. Do you know anyone named Austin? Knew, rather. Do you know anyone who is having a baby? My friend recently announced she and her husband are having their second child in December. What was the last thing you cried about? Just PTSD. Do you prefer regular or chocolate milk? I like both, but I prefer chocolate. Do you think you are an argumentative person? Definitely not. How many deep dark secrets do you have? Two or so, idk. What was the spiciest thing you’ve ever eaten? Some wings at Buffalo Wild Wings with one of the hottest sauces. Wanted to die. ... Yet I continued to get that one whenever I went for years lmao. Who last called you sexy? I don't know. Would you class yourself as a good role model? In some ways, but in a lot of other ways, no. Are you scared of the dark? No. Do you have a motto? No. Who did you last see on webcam? The doctor that overlooks my TMS progress. Do you need a haircut? I need a trim for sure. How would you react if your mother told you that she was pregnant again? Well, considering 1.) she's way past menopause and especially 2.) she's had a complete hysterectomy, y'know... that's kind of impossible. She also hasn't been with a guy in many years, so she would have to be joking. You log into Facebook and see the red ‘1’ notification next to the message icon. Who do you want it to be? -___- Would you rather exercise alone or with other people? ALONE. You will NOT see me exercise in front of other people. What is the most difficult or involved video game you’ve ever played? The most involved is DEFINITELY World of Warcraft, and I guess you could consider it the hardest too, given some of the much more difficult things I've done in it. It itself isn't a hard game whatsoever, but you can pursue some really hard achievements. Ever watch the show Supernatural? If you have, then what’s your favorite episode? I used to love it, but just stopped watching eventually. My fave episode... Man, it's been too long to remember many. Probably one of the funnier ones. I remember I specifically liked the bit where they were in your everyday comedy show, as well as the one where I THINK Dean kept trying to prevent Sam from dying. I just remember the "Eye of the Tiger" bit that is pure gold. Ever heard of flavored honey? If so, what’s you’re favorite flavor? Oh, no, but that sounds good. Do you remember what your favorite show was when you were little? Yeah, Pokemon. Do you put anything besides cheese on grilled cheese sandwiches? Besides butter, which I think is pretty standard, no. When it comes to books, what do you think is the “perfect” amount of pages? Uh, I dunno. It depends on the book. I don't really care about page numbers. Would you ever be interested in going scuba diving? Yeah. Out of all of your friends/relatives, who would you say has the best vocabulary? Girt, probably. Are any of your fingers or toes deformed? What about the nails? I don't think so? When is the last time you cried? I was sobbing earlier today, fun stuff. Would you ever date somebody that has been divorced more than once? Most likely not. ESPECIALLY at my age. What are some stereotypically nerdy things that you like? Oh god. WoW, M:tG, big glasses, anime (does that count? idk really), video games... a lot of stuff, really. Have you ever attended a wedding that ended where the bride and groom didn’t actually get married? What happened? Y I K E S, no. That would be SO uncomf. What scares you the most about becoming a mother (hypothetically, if you don’t want to have children)? Actually raising it properly, physically and emotionally. Would you ever want a job in fashion? What would you enjoy about that type of job? No. Would you ever be a surrogate mother? No. What do you think would be the best and worst parts about being a twin? It'd be cool to have someone you feel an almost supernatural connection towards, but I'd also feel like I wasn't as "original" as I would be if I was born alone. Do you feel that your childhood was more rough compared to others around you? I mean it wasn't awful at all, but sure, in some ways compared to at least someone. How would you react if you found out today that you were actually adopted? Well today I'm a wreck, so don't tell me. I want to know that I wasn't lied to for 25 years. Have either of your parents ever cheated on one another before, that you know of? How would you react if you found out today that one of them cheated? I'm not entirely clear on this, but I'm 90% sure Dad cheated on Mom with his now-wife. Dad also accused Mom of cheating, but I HIGHLY doubt that's true. Do you like cleaning and organizing? Not really. How would you react if you found out you were infertile? If you don’t plan on having kids to begin with, what is a long-term goal you’d be crushed to find out was impossible to achieve? Fuck having kids. I'd be a terrible mother. So to answer the other question, I'll be pretty, pretty sad if I can't get permission to spread Teddy's ashes at Yellowstone. Would you take your dream job if it were out of the country? Well, obviously not considering my dream job is a meerkat biologist, and I'm not moving to Africa. Have you ever been robbed? No. Is anyone close to you an alcoholic? Not anymore. Dad was, but he's recovered. Have you ever dumped anyone? Yes. What kind of tea do you drink? I hate tea. Do you know anyone in a gang? No, and I hope I never do. What’s the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for you? Risk his fucking sanity and health to try to hold my fucked up self up. What is your orientation? Gay? Straight? Metrosexual? Anything other? Bisexual. I've kinda been questioning pansexual of the late, though. I don't know. Have you ever done anything really dangerous or illegal with friends? Not to my memory. Name three feelings you’re feeling right now: Regret. Hopelessness. Loneliness. And the reasons for these feelings? Take a wild fuckin' guess. How do you feel about your life right now? It's an actual dumpster fire. Is it easy for you to like yourself? Why or why not? Fuck no. Because there's just not very much TO like about me. Even on my good days, I see flaw after flaw in myself. What subjects come naturally to you? English, some aspects of science. What subjects do not? Math, economics, politics, history... Do you read more fiction or more non-fiction books? Definitely fiction. When I read a book, I want an escape from the real world. How has today been for you? BOY HOWDY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What did you do? Went to TMS therapy. Sat on the Internet. Cried. :^) Are there any candles lit in the room you’re in? No. Are there any lava lamps near you? No. I want one, though. Do you like cats or dogs better? Cats. Are any of your friends a pothead? Yes. What’s a goal you’re trying to accomplish soon? Start losing weight again. That'd be pretty goddamn grand. Are you a high maintenance person? Definitely not. The last time you yelled as loud as you could, what was the reason? I was having a nightmare. Have you ever been heartbroken? For sure. Who did that to you? First Dad, then Jason. Did you go through an ugly stage as a kid? Boy, did I. The last type of sandwich you made or ate: A pb&j. The last time you spent most of the day in bed: Literally every day. I do just about everything in bed. Pathetic, I know. The last friend or acquaintance you made: Ummmm idk. The last thing you took pictures of: A hydrangea bush. The last time you were scared: Now. The future is terrifying, my friend. The last thing you looked up online: The definition of a word to ensure I was using it correctly. The last thing you disagreed with: So I've been watching John Wolfe's old stream of him playing Alice: Madness Returns, and he went on a total soapbox about smoking being okay essentially because we're all gonna die eventually from something, and I really disagreed with it. Does your house have a separate laundry room? No, just like a closet. Do your parents still help you financially? I'm still entirely dependent on them. Does your car have a backup camera? No. Have either of your parents ever been in trouble with the law? Not to my knowledge. Have you ever had a pet that lived to be really old for its breed/species? REALLY old, no. Teddy was definitely up there, but beagles have lived longer. What was the last strong scent you smelled? Lysol. Have you ever told someone to their face that they were ugly? Christ, no. Is your bed against more than one of your walls? No. Have you ever been attracted to someone’s parent? Don't think so? Have you ever pole danced before? No. Have you ever broken into someone’s house? No. Have you ever seen a live bat? Yes. What is the most amount of money you’ve spent on a meal before? I dunno. Have you ever taken a woodshop class? No. How much time do you spend on Facebook, if you have one? Funny you ask, because as of today I decided to take a break from it for awhile. I've found it's nothing more than a breeding ground for envy and making me feel like a horribly incompetent adult. Has a teacher ever made you hate yourself/your work? I had one photography teacher in college that I was NOT a fan of. He was super, super hard on everyone, like to an unnecessary degree. We were students, not pros. Have you ever been on the barrier or front row at a concert? No. Are your parents supportive of you? Somehow.

[neerasrealm]

Stories

In which Doby and Toby talk to Tim about their time with The Operator. Set shortly after the war with Zalgo Word count: 1302

The room was big. Bigger than he expected, and very comfy. The carpet was soft and he could sink his feet right into it. There was a large window to his left that let him see the woods outside. The walls were a soft cream colour, or rather, they might have been. A lot of the wall was covered with painted murals. Murals of calming landscapes that were so skillfully painted you'd think they were photos. The furniture was comfy too. They were sat on a plush leather couch, though there was a soft armchair sitting empty across from them. There were also bean bag chairs, and a one armed couch made to lay on. There were also shelves with plastic bins on them, each labelled with its contents. "Drawing supplies", "stress balls", "slime", "stim toys". They'd already raided the shelf for things to entertain them while they waited. 

For the better part of fifteen minutes Toby had been toying with some slime he'd taken from one of the bins. It was thick and a pleasing blue colour, like a tropical sea. Toby would pull it apart then squish the slime together again. Neither of them really spoke, they didn't know what to talk about after- well, everything...so they just sat there, listening to the soft clicks coming from the infinity cube Doby was toying with. 

A knock on the door made them look up and it was pushed open. A man stepped into the room and looked them over. He was somewhat short, and stocky. His hand was bandaged up, and he had a few random bruises and still-healing cuts across his body. He wore a red and black flannel shirt that was rolled up to his elbows. Under it, he wore a grey t-shirt and blue jeans. "Hey," he greeted after a couple seconds of the three of them staring at each other. "I uh- I'm supposed to talk to you guys." He said as he walked over to the chair across from them. "That okay?"

Doby gave a nod. Toby finally looked up from his slime and gave an enthusiastic nod too. "Sure thing." He replied, as chipper as always. Tim smiled a bit.

"Good, good." He shifted where he sat. "So...how about you guys tell me about yourselves?" He gave them both a half smile. The three of them knew each other, but not well. A couple conversations while the three of them were trying to heal up, but Tim had been discharged from the medbay fairly quickly. Amazingly, he hadn't been injured badly. How he managed to fight off The Operator and win with only minor injuries was a mystery. Tim was a tank, and it was both admirable and scary. 

Doby glanced to his left, realising Toby was probably waiting for him to go first. Introductions were probably one of Toby's least favorite things. He couldn't blame him. Doby wasn't a huge fan either.

"Well uh- my name's Doby. I'm nineteen, I love- third base- baseball and horror movies and uhh...I dunno...just- hanging out, I guess?" He said, tapping his wrists together a few times. Tim nodded and looked at Toby.

"And you?"

Toby cleared his throat. "Uh- well uhm-" he clicked his tongue a couple times. "I'm Toby. I'm- nineteen too I uh- I like...I dunno…" he shrugged. 

"You like birds." Doby suggested. Toby looked confused for a moment like he wasn't sure if he liked birds or not.

"Uh- yeah! I do and um- just- animals in general-" he paused to whistle. "I also like uh...watching TV and er- oh! I uh- I do wood carving. It's not great but- it's fun." He fiddled with his hands and forced a small smile. Tim nodded and gave Toby a supportive smile.

"Nice, nice." He replied. "Well- I'm Tim. I'm thirty two, I uhh- well I play guitar, or at least I used to, heh, uh- I like animals too! They seem to just...gravitate to me, dunno why and uh- yeah." He shrugged and gave them a slight smile. He shifted in his seat. ‘’So...I should probably explain why it’s me talking to you two, right?’’ he asked. The two of them nodded. ‘’Well...Slender thought you two would need someone to talk to about- well, everything, and he already knows you two are scared of him so...he asked me to do it instead.’’ Tim shrugged and scratched at the back of his neck, glancing aside for a second. ‘’I’m not gonna force you guys to talk about the operator right away if you don’t wanna. I know it’s probably a lot, and I don’t want you guys to feel like you gotta relive all of that stuff just for me.’’ 

It was silent for a long few moments, the two of them unsure of how to respond. Surprisingly, it was Toby who broke the silence. "It made me kill my dad." He said. 

"Jeez kid I'm- I'm sorry-"

"Don't be," Toby picked at his fingers, pulling off loose skin around his nails. "He was an abusive asshole anyways…" he added with a click of his tongue.

"I see." Tim shifted in his seat. "So...living with the operator, how was that compared to home…?" 

"...I got hit less." Toby shrugged. "But I...still got picked on a lot...it liked to-" he paused, his neck abruptly snapping to the side. "Liked to torment me- little shit- because I was the weakest."

Doby frowned, reaching over and grabbing his friend's hand. "You weren't the weakest." He said gently. "You stood up for yourself. I'd say you were probably the strongest out of all of us for doing that."

"Mmm…" 

‘’Toby,’’ Tim said. ‘’You were able to fight back against that thing. That’s more than a lot of people were able to do.’’ he looked Toby dead in the eyes ‘’My friend Alex? He was way older than you when that thing went after him and he wasn’t able to fight back. It drove him insane. He had a stable childhood, he was way older than you, but he still couldn’t fight it off.’’ Toby stared at him. ‘’You’re strong as hell, kid. Don’t even say you’re not.’’ 

Toby blinked, staring at Tim in surprise. "...really?"

Tim nodded. "Really." He said. "And brave as hell too." He added. Toby smiled a bit and leaned back in his seat. He glanced at Doby, who looked over at Tim. "What about you?"

"It made me- well, no it-" Doby frowned for a second, trying to think of how to explain his story. It was something he'd never really known how to explain. To Toby it was easy, Toby knew him and had been through that too, but to Tim, or his friend Jay? Not so much. He tapped his wrists together about five times before talking. "...it all started with my older brother. His name was John, he lived with my mom- my parents divorced- balk- after I came out as trans," he looked at Tim to make sure he was following. "John killed himself, and I- I was so mad, it was mom's- fucker- fault that he did it. She never cared about him enough."

"I'm sorry to hear that." Tim murmured. Toby patted his shoulder reassuringly. 

"It's fine." Doby replied. "After he died...I started having weird dreams, with John, and eventually I found...it." Doby chewed his lip for a second. "I thought it was gonna bring me back to him...I just- needed to kill her first." His voice was soft, feeble. "...I don't feel bad about it."

Tim nodded. "It has a habit of making false promises." He murmured. ‘’And stuff you do while it’s pushing you? It- makes it hard to feel guilty.’‘ Tim shifted, like he was avoiding saying something.

"What'd it do to you?" Toby asked. Tim looked at them both for a long moment. He sighed gently.

"...that's a long story, kids."

[aggresivelyfriendly]

To Be So Lonely Harry Styles au pair AU-

Chapter 3

Another Day Till Paradise

HI! Thanks for reading, to @chasm2018​, for brainstorming, @papiermachecat​ for the catalyst, and @dirtystyles​ and @emulateharry​ for the read through!

Enjoy!

"Just one more set of notes to go over and I get to put this case away forever! And we get to go to Malibu!" Vee sing-songed into the phone. Harry's  chuckle was in key with her happiness.

"It's a long time coming, I know." She could imagine his fond smile. "You've been working hard for months."

"Months and months." She stretched long and groaned a little.

"You tired?" He asked. "You were up before Maribel and out the house."

"I am, but also really restless. I was so excited about putting this one to bed, I wasn't able to sleep much myself." She started to get her auto dictating stuff together. She usually typed things, but she was feeling the 12 hours she'd been up and knew the words would blur. She'd do it like this and have her assistant proof and file. She was ready to go home. That meant she needed to get off the phone. "What are the babies doing?" She asked instead.

"Oh, well, they are thrashing about in their cribs." She heard him move the monitor. "Looks like Bel is up and staring at Teo, willing him awake."

"Seems late for them to sleep." Since they dropped to one nap it was just after lunch until 2:30.

"We had that date with Jameson's nanny from playgroup, remember? They are on a slightly later schedule, so I fed them and then had them walk the short distance home."

"How did you do that?" Her mind boggled trying to picture it, she was sure her eyes goggled too.

He laughed. "I alternated. One by hand, the other on my hip, and when one started whining while the other started to drop off, I switched them." God, he was strong.

"Nice." Vee really should go.

"Yeah it worked a treat. You done typing the brief? when will you be home?" She heard him click off the monitor. "Teo is more than stirring now."

"Um," she'd be about done had she either got off the phone to dictate or typed it while they spoke. She opened a doc and started typing. She may be tired, but this was faster. "Give me a half an hour."

"Need to let me go?" She kinda did. He was walking, his breath was a little faster.

"No, put me on speaker and let me talk to the babies. We can wake them together." She heard a cry.

"Oh no need to wake them. But mamas voice may quiet them." She put her own phone on speaker and talked with Teo while she heard Harry with Maribel in the background.

She'd be jealous she wasn't there except she would be for the next two weeks. Harry had a friend in LA, a wealthy one (she'd have to ask about that), who had offered his beach house. She'd been bandying about vacation ideas when Harry's face brightened in that way he had. His ideas were usually brilliant, and he told great stories, though usually his tales of their day revealed more about himself than any direct question she had asked him. When she asked about him, he'd shrug and go over his CV. Born in the north of England, divorced parents, amazing mum, lovely sister, moved to the states to do his doctorate, couldn't keep up with the expense, was in sabbatical to earn some money to finish.

Those were all pleasant facts, except the divorce, his face scrunched like bitter lemon on that tidbit, but they weren't really about him. The thing she knew, were from observation, or his long asides.

He liked his coffee black but his tea strong and sweet, and only from a pot, not a bag. His favorite meal was breakfast and he ate it at all times of the day and night. Once she'd found him making pancakes at 2:30 am. "Couldn't sleep, and it's always a good time for pancakes," he'd grinned. "Try it." So she'd sat at the breakfast bar and been a good student of anytime breakfast. He also liked to grab cold pancakes as a snack, as did her babies now. "I use the whole grain mix and put in eggs, so they get protein." He'd looked for approval.

He looked for her approval a lot. She wasn't sure if he was trying to keep her involved, was being polite, or really was unsure. Harry's ideas and ways were nearly always A+.

He had asked for approval on the Malibu idea. And he'd told the story in that meandering way of his. Vee, how she'd come to think of herself since he adopted the nickname, usually left with more information about him, and less about whatever the actual topic.

The day they'd been talking about vacation ideas was a perfect example. Harry had been sitting across from her with that sweet little cock to his head he got when she was talking at length. It might be the first time in her life she felt like somebody listened to her and really liked it. Her mama did too, now, but when she was little her mama had been so tired. She worked too hard, too much, and too many jobs. Mama was tired when she got home, and she never had the money or paid time off for a vacation. Because of that, all that scarification, Vee did.

"I should be done with this case at month ends I think I'd really like to go somewhere, relax, play with the babies, sleep in."

Harry laughed. "Vacation with the twins means you won't be getting to sleep in much."

"Not if you come with us." She raised her eyebrows at him. He deserved a vacation too. He'd been working a lot right along with her. She'd paid him extra, but wanted to do more, and there was the other benefit. "Then we can switch off days, I'll keep them most nights, but maybe you can keep them a few mornings?" She hoped he liked the idea, or maybe he would like to just have the time off to see friends, or maybe even go home. "If you want too." She tried to take the pressure off, scale back the hope in her eyes.

"I think that vacation sounds amazing!" His dimples were so huge, she liked that they showed sometimes even when he wasn't smiling. He was now. "What kind of vacation were you thinking, mountains, beach, big city? Driving or flying?"

He was about to keep going when she cut him off. He might start talking about his favorite vacation when he was 12, or something, and entertaining as that time in Portugal may have been, it wasn't germane to the moment.

"I would actually just love to get out of the city, but still have city amenities. Beaches, and laying around, with nice food and hiking, but not an all inclusive. Ya know. And sunsets. I'd really love some devastating sunsets." She missed heat too. "Somewhere warm. And flying. But not too far. And no layovers. Not with Beli and Teo."

Harry had straightened up in his chair and smiled with flashing eyebrows. He'd put a finger up while he stood before disappearing into a room. He came back 15 min later with the same light on his face stirred together with a bit of triumph.

"I have the perfect vacation for us!" He grabbed the barstool he'd vacated with one dinner plated sized hand and sat across from her. Then leaned in with his chin on his fist. "Have you ever been to LA?"

Victoria wasn't able to school her face.

"Yeah, yeah, I know. But there are some really amazing things to do and see there, if you avoid the star walk and such." She'd not been to the star wall. She'd been there for a conference and hadn't seen much but the walls of it, and the immediate area in downtown LA. She hadn't been impressed.

"How'd you know so much about LA?" It was on the other side of the world after all, from the place that imprinted on his voice.

"Oh, I have family, although I guess more close family friends there," he stopped to puzzle over the tree and its branches. "Yeah, just my dad's old college mate, not actually blood relations, though I called him uncle my whole life. Anyway, I wasn't sure where I wanted to go for my post grad. I talked to myself about the requisite places in England. But Oxford and Cambridge seem so stuffy."

"And Harvard isn't stuffy?" She'd gone to Brown.

He had a goofy snicker sometimes. It might be her favorite flavor of his laugh. "Not nearly as cool as Brown. Who went there?" He rapped his chin. "Oh JFK Jr! That's right. Who else?"

There was a list but she just narrowed her eyes.

"Anyway. The opposite of stuffy seemed like California. So I decided that Stanford might be nice. So I called my 'uncle' in LA to see if I could stay with him and commute to school or something."

Vee giggled.

"Ya, I had no idea how big California was. I guess I figured it was like San Francisco, Stanford. LA. Three hours tops, make a tour, see the sights, catch the vibe," he mimicked a surfboard and she lost it.

She was full out laughing by now. His hand illustrations and the little literal hop, skip, and a jump he performed before that. He should go to Disneyland too with that level of animation. "Did your uncle teach you different?"

"Well, no, like kinda. He mostly just was excited to have me. But we went to his house on the beach in Malibu first and then drove to Stanford. Which was beautiful. Up the coast."

"Isn't that like 12 hours?"

"Like 10, I dunno, forever, but we stopped in Monterey. That was nice. And beachfront. By the time we got to Palo Alto, which means high stick by the way, that's a weird name for a town, I was disappointed. The weather was way better in Malibu. Also I had imagined Stanford was waterfront."

"It's not far. The whole state can't be on the ocean."

"Think my expectations were ruinous. I had no idea how big the place was. But, it wasn't what I had in my mind." He shrugged.

"And Boston was." That was the puzzle. It was cold here, and definitely not postcard beaches.

"Well, it's waterfront."

"Do you do much swimming?" She asked.

"I had it in my mind to go abroad by then, and  Boston seemed to have shit weather like home."

"Shittier." Vee flashed her palms like that was a given. There was more to this story, something she wasn't getting.

"Oh, Texas has better?" Harry derailed her and got up to move behind her in the kitchen. He was grabbing food now. Oooh, nap snack time. She loved when he did this. It was like an informal nosh, so different from the stuffy steak lunches at work when she had to go to client things.

How the hell did he pull together a bruschetta bar so quickly? "Made it last night." He answered her face. "Had a craving, made loads." She'd been around the office late again Friday evening, but only two more weeks until the case officially ended. Her part anyway. But she answered his cheek while she loaded up a toast point.

"Claro, San Antonio at least. Houston's a bit shit, Dallas gets cold, and hellishly hot—"

"Isn't San Antonio really hot?" He interrupted.

"Yeah, but it's a little drier, and there are hills and Austin is close, and it's just better. Certainly than Boston." She sighed. Sometimes she missed how big the sky was and that the clouds looked like cartoons.

"You'll have to show me." She'd like to. The house that built her. That was like the only country song she liked.

She smiled and nodded looking. "Yeah, sometime, you can come to when we go we abuelita. But, much as I love my mother, that's not a vacation exactly."

"Right." He nodded along. "So I just called James, my pseudo uncle, and they are going home for a month. He said we could use his beach house...." Harry's eyebrows  were as high as they could go, floating on hope.

"I only have two weeks."

"Yeah, that's enough, you'll be missing the east-coast-no-bullshit by then. Everybody is fake happy and nice in California." He sounded like he was standing behind a lectern.

"Like you." She felt the need to remind him. He was the happiest person she knew.  But she knew a lot of lawyers.

"Oh, mine's not fake." He shook his head.

That was true. He really was just ridiculously nice.

"But it has its perks. Last time I was there, I found this smoothie shop, amazing wheatgrass shots, and they have a vegan restaurant." he responded to her face, again. He read her like a favorite book. "When in Malibu, Vee." His smile required an answer and a question.

"What the fuck is wheatgrass?"

"You just cursed!" He covered the speaker of the monitor.

She smirked, "That's so we can hear them, not them us, tonto."

"Did you just curse again, but in Spanish?!" He made his offended face. "You def need some California vibes and lots of wheatgrass to detox that liver. All that anger!" He was s shaking his head.

"What my what? None of what you just said makes any sense." She was giggling.

"I dunno, I'm making it up, based on what I can remember about how the guy got me to drink juiced grass. He said anger lives in the liver or the pancreas or some such. But it was good! The grass, kinda. And I felt good and my skin glowed after a few days of it."

His skin always glowed.

He misunderstood her incredulity. "You'll see! We can try some—"

"I'm not drinking grass, like I never ate mud pies." Victoria insisted, shaking her head at him, but carefully keeping her elbow against him. His had come to rest against her a moment ago. He was warm. It was hard for her to find the right temperature. She didn't have that trouble when they were adjacent.

"It's a thing. A Malibu thing, guaranteed to chill you out." That phrase sounded weird and wonderful in his accent. "All we need is flights, a car, everybody drives there, and bathing suits!" He picked up his phone. "Where do they have bathing suits right now? It's outta season."

The snow was black and melting. They may get one more blanket, or not. It was technically spring, just not in Boston.

"Target, it's almost Spring break." She reminded.

The corners of his lips turned down and she cocked her head to the side. She needed to look at his timeline. He seemed to really want to go back to school. She'd miss him dearly, but maybe they could work something out. Maybe she could hire somebody else for when he was in class and studying?

His brow cleared and brightened with an idea. "Wanna go pick stuff out while they finish their nap? Then we can meet you at the green. I'll bundle them up."

She checked her weather app. "Layers, the actual sun may come out!" She was already putting on her purse.

Vee had essentially been packing since that day, little by little. Well, shopping was probably a better word for it. She bought her first mum suit, and tried not to think much about it. Her old suits still fit, or fit again, just not like they used to, and her stomach had new pink welts, like veins of cotton candy, down the sides. She supposed there was nothing to be done about it, two humans had lived in there for a time. That had to leave a mark, right?

She still packed her old high cut black one piece. It looked good and she felt great in it. Victoria caught herself wondering what Harry would think of it before she switched her focus to the babies' suitcase. Like that mattered.

This mattered. Traveling with small children required stuff.

She'd been shopping for Teo and Bel as well. Who knew that resort wear for near toddlers were so adorable? There were a few pieces she knew would be super frustrating, long dress style things, cover ups she supposed.  She just wasn't sure what a baby needed to cover up. But it was so damn cute she'd bought it. There was a little voice in her head that said the inhibited movement may be worth the squalling near a pool. And what a pool it was.

More like an oasis from Harr's pictures. The lush greenery around the deck was like ivy, made it private from the beach the stairs led to. There was a gate, so the kiddos couldn't fall down the path or into the foliage, and the lounge chairs looked so plush, they made her want to nap immediately. "The fabric is moisture wicking, so you don't really need a towel." Harry had told her. She felt like it was made so you could swim naked, all the privacy screens and no need for linens. Not that anybody would be doing that. Small children and platonic nanny relationships and all.

Hmm.

But the moonlight glinting off crystal blue water and the night lighting of the pool were ethereal. Still took the swimmer to a new place it looked like, but instead the island oasis of the day, it was more a fairy hill, where magic things happened.

Magic.

She missed magic. She wasn't sure she'd ever really had it. The ex, well they'd had some good days, hanging out on quads and dancing late into the night. But, they'd gone straight to law school, then to a firm. There hadn't been much frolicking. Even their honeymoon had been serious, a tour of St. Petersburg and Poland. It was his dream trip, but some of the things they saw killed the libido. There were certainly no fairy lights or naked swimming.

Had she ever skinny dipped? That seemed like something that should have happened, and she was too old now to add it to her bucket list.

Was she too old?

Maybe it was time to start dating. She felt lonely. And was thinking about Harry in weird ways. She supposed it was just that they were going to a beautiful place that could be romantic. They made good friends, partners really, but he was younger, and they maybe flirted a tiny bit sometimes, but there was nothing romantic. He was just the nearest male. She needed some attention maybe. She hadn't in ages.

Victoria imagined kissing someone, a faceless someone, on one of the loungers, after a delicious midnight dip, of the thin variety. Wet lips and cool skin, hot breath. The feel on long fingers on both sides of her cheeks holding her still to deepen the kiss. The slide and wiggle of a rough tongue along her top mouth. Vee could feel the plump bottom lip  she imagined, and the broad back under her hands as she was rolled under most of the 60's, if the dates on his shoulders were a timeline.  The v of the back to a slim waist against her palms as they slid over skin beaded with cool water, and strong thighs with bits of text and fauna etched against the crux of her. She stood and defiantly closed the zipper.

That got oddly specific .

She needed to go on a date. But, obviously, after they got back from Malibu. Could she make up an excuse to leave the kids with Harry one day and meet with someone at the four seasons? Could she swipe right? She didn't think so. She'd just book a massage instead. The reviews there were amazing.

The knock startled her attention away from her suitcase. The door was open, the knock was courtesy.

"Hey, Harry!" She brightened her voice and smoothed her hair. For a moment, she thought about avoiding eye contact, but that would be a tell. She never did that. Especially not in court--a good suit and strong eye contact were good armor. He'd know something was up, she just had to pretend she wasn't just thinking of him on top of her or a liaison with a random to distract her from it. "You packed?"

"Yeah, did it during nap time today. Thought I'd see if you wanted help with the twins' bags?"

"No, gracias." Ohhh she was distracted. "I did them mostly yesterday, just got together the things that came today."

"And you are done?"

She fidgeted with the zipper her hand was still on, looked at it, so she didn't have to be staring into his eyes anymore. Eye contact was good, until it was eye fucking. She didn't want to get caught there, and her mind was still under the moon. "Yes!"

"It's easy to pack when everything is new huh?" His voice was lined with laughter. His teasing voice; she loved when she caught him talking to the littles in it. The dimples pressed into his voice and his cheeks.

"I put a few older things in there." She was looking in his eyes again. The smile was there too, and in her answering grin.

"Swimsuits, a dress or two you don't intend to wear?" He guessed expertly.

"How do you know that."

"Sister, mum." He shrugged. "But, since you're done, nightcap?"

It was only 9 pm, but their flight was ungodly early, so the kiddos would hopefully sleep until the airport, and they could get a full day on top of travel. "No, a melatonin is probably a better idea. Thanks though." Wine or anything like it, was a bad idea. Red wine made her languorous and chatty. Nope. And horny, which she was already battling, for the first time in a good while.

"Ok, see you before the sun."

"Yes, what a way to start the day!" She felt lame. That was lame, right? But he giggled.

"Oh yeah, I usually like it from the other side more."

"I used to, when you get to be my age, you'll see."

He rolled his eyes, but they had had this discussion before. "Sleep well, Victoria."

He didn't really call her that. She liked the way the syllables rolled off his tongue.

She needed that melatonin. No thinking about his tongue. Anymore thinking about his tongue. She'd need the moon medicine and to meditate, or something, to sleep.

In the end, meditating turned into masturbating, and she slept like a baby, for longer than she had in two months thanks to the case. She was thankful, the flight was hell. They were delayed, their early flight for baby sleep plan backfired, and they didn't make it to the beach house until sundown. And the kids were already sleeping as it was almost their bed time by their internal clocks.

She wished she could pretend she had jet lag, or she was tired at all. Instead, she was shaking from all the coffee she had consumed. Harry, too. They both drank iced coffee the way you were supposed to drink water.

They'd put the babies in the appointed room, where their hosts had put a lovely crib for them. It was only a minute to get the pack and play up. They'd have to alternate nights, seemed fair, though the babies would never know.

She watched them for a second. Two years ago, in the throes of a dying marriage, she'd have never imagined this life, this new life.

Part of that was Harry, he was a godsend. They had  dealt with the rough travel day together, baby switches and breaks included.

Apart from the shakes from all the iced coffee he kept producing, she could not fault him. He'd make somebody a great partner one day.

"Victoria?" She heard and followed the voice. The house was a good size, but not so large she couldn't hear him, and most of the place had a fantastic view.

The view outside was way better than the pictures. The sun was going down and the sunset started like cotton candy, there was a widening purple streak, and from the stairs down to the desk she could see the sun sinking into the ocean. It looked like it went on forever. It stole her breath.

Here sense was taken as well, because the view on the deck was better, Harry was stood between two of the plush deck chairs she had dreamed of and had fantasies about. He had two glasses of champagne, and was backlit by the sunset.

The worst of it, was that he was shirtless.

"Dios mio!" she exclaimed.

"Right," he opened his arms and turned around. His back was broader than she imagined. "Could this view be more gorgeous?

No, no it couldn't.

[calpalirwin]

Every Part of You

Summary: Ashton Irwin had only planned on performing and enjoying his New Year’s Eve rocking out to 80s music. He never planned on the woman in the black dress shaking up his world. What a way to rock in the new decade.

A/N: So, as some of you know, I was at the same party as Ashton Irwin last night. And I was lucky enough to talk with him a few times. Star-struck jitters ensued along with this story for y’all courtesy of my wildest daydreams. (Photo credit to me!) And @1-irwin-94​ asked for a Part 2, so here we are. Be sure to read Part 1. And stay tuned for an epilogue because I don’t think I’m ready to let go of this story yet.

Content: Smut. Fluff. Cussing. Mentions of abuse, abortion, and suicidal tendencies.

Word Count: Oh, just read it!

And away, and away we go!

~~~

“You don’t have anywhere to be, do you?” I asked her as we lay together in bed. It was creeping up on 2 in the afternoon and we hadn’t done much besides lay in each other's arms since I got her to stay.

She shook her head. “I don’t go back to work until Tuesday. But I should probably get some clothes at some point. A shower. Some food.”

“What do you do?”

“Oh, I’m working as a tutor while I finish school.”

“School. Like college?”

She nodded. “Yep. It’s my last semester.”

“And what happens after?”

“A 3 semester long teaching program and if all goes well a classroom of my own.”

“Oh, so you wanna teach? That’s cool.”

She chuckled. “It’s incredibly mundane actually. But yeah, it’s what I wanted to do since I was seven.”

“Mundane? No, that’s amazing. I shouldn’t be surprised that someone like you wants to teach, though. Makes perfect sense.”

“Someone like me?” she asked, quirking an eyebrow playfully.

I giggled. “Yes. Someone like you. Someone who is kind and patient. What do you want to teach? Or do teach right now? Tutoring’s not teaching, is it?”

Her cheeks flushed momentarily. “I’m hardly either of those things, trust me. But, you’re sweet to think so. And I want to teach history, ideally to high schoolers. Right now I work with middle schoolers and it’s a little bit of everything. I’m really just an extra set of hands three days a week.”

“Only 3 days a week?”

She nodded. “I told you it was mundane. But, the monetary aspect never bothered me. Money is eh. But, the way their eyes light up when something they’ve been struggling with suddenly clicks? And I get to be part of that? Can’t put a price tag on that type of joy.”

“But you make enough to survive?” I asked, surprised. I had no idea how much money she made. But I knew living LA was anything but cheap. Working 3 days a week certainly couldn’t sustain living in LA.

She laughed. “Barely. I mean, I live at home, so that helps. Not my favorite thing in the world. But, I just keep out of the house as much as I can.”

I frowned at her words and she laughed again, her hands coming up to caress my cheeks. She liked touching me. I liked her liking to touch me. “Don’t frown, handsome. I’m happy with my life. Do I get frustrated living at home? Yes. So much. But, this is part of my story. Part of my struggle. And I’ve struggled through far worse and survived.”

I tilted to kiss her palms. “How do you do it?” I marveled. “You’re so happy and upbeat. It’s damn near infectious.”

She shrugged. “Trust me, my head can be a dark place. But, the dark isn’t the whole book. Learning to dance in the rain and all that peppy shit.”

I smiled at her. I too, knew just how dark someone’s own head could be, and I had the scars to prove it. And instead of running, she had stayed. More than that, she had kissed the ugly parts of me. I wanted to do the same for her. “Take me there,” I murmured, continuing to kiss at her hands.

“Take you where?” she giggled.

“Take me to every part of you,” I said, lifting my eyes to look at hers.

She laughed a little louder this time. “Food first. I’m starving. And I could really go for some clothes that… well, that are a little less that,” she said with another laugh, pointing at her dress on the ground.

“But I like you in that dress.”

“You like me out of it, you mean.”

I winked. “Yeah, that too.”

~~~

“Well, this is me,” she said, as I pulled up in front of the small house. She had put her dress back on, along with the boots, having nothing else to wear, even though I offered her a shirt. But she told me that that wasn’t good for going home in.

“Nice place,” I commented, offhandedly.

“Thanks, it’s not ours,” she told me with a smile.

“Do you want me to wait while you get some stuff and change?” I offered.

“You don’t have to. I do drive. I can just meet you at your place later.”

I frowned and her hands were on my cheeks, pushing my lips up. “Stop that,” she scolded.

“Go pack. I’ll wait,” I told her, kissing at her hands. I liked kissing her.

“I’d offer for you to come inside, but my family’s home. So…” She made a face like she was hoping her words wouldn’t make me mad.

“I can be patient, too,” I told her simply.

“5 minutes,” she assured me. “10, tops!” and then she was dashing out of my car and into her home. I could hear her voice announcing her presence and then someone was standing in the doorway. The man looked blankly at me and she pulled him back inside, slamming the door shut.

10 minutes on the nose, the door was opening as she was walking out. This time she had on jeans and sneakers. A hoodie covered whatever shirt she had on and a hat was on backwards, covering her hair. She had a duffle bag slung over her shoulder, a grin on her face, and two water bottles in her hand. “I was thirsty,” she said, climbing back in the car, tossing her bag at her feet, and handing me one of the bottles. “You like water, right?”

I chuckled as I twisted the cap and took a swallow, the ice cold water soothing my throat. “Thanks.” Then, “Who was the man? Your dad?”

“My brother. My dad lives about a half hour away with his wife.”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” I said, reaching out to grab her hand reassuringly as I pulled out of her driveway.

“Why?”

“Because your parents are divorced. That must’ve been rough.”

She shrugged. “I was too young to know any different. And they’re happy. They’ve had their moments, sure. But they’ve always been Mom and Dad.”

“My band released a song all about the girl with divorced parents,” I told her.

“I know. And while that song absolutely breaks my heart, that wasn’t my experience. My parents have always remained civil with each other. Hell, we can all go out for dinner and my dad will sit smack dab between my mom and his wife. They get along. They’re happy. I’m happy. It is what it is.”

I didn’t even have time for my lips to turn downwards before her hand, ice cold from the water, was on my cheek. I shuddered and pulled back, swallowing the scream of shock. Her hand dropped and it was her turn to frown. “Your hand’s cold, gorgeous,” I explained. “As for your parents, I still think that sucks. But you have a mature outlook about it.”

She shrugged again. “Like I said, I was too young to know any different. They split up when I was like 4.”

I coughed, “Jesus, gorgeous…”

“What?” she asked confused. “It could be way worse. They could’ve been one of those stay for the kids types and ruined my life with their unhappiness. But they didn’t. They walked away from what made them unhappy and towards what did make them happy. And in doing so they taught me to do the same.”

I stole a glance at her as I waited for the light to change. Much like last night, she was staring out the window, with a soft smile on her lips. Like there was no place else in the world she’d rather be. I certainly didn’t want her to be anywhere else.

~~~

“Oh, hi!” she greeted, pulling open the door to reveal the guys and their girlfriends. “I’m Bridget,” she continued to say, shaking their hands. “Um, Ashton is… um…” her hand was covering up her mouth.

I grinned and came to her rescue. “Hey, guys, c’mon in.” When I shut the door after they all filed in, I turned to look at her. Her hands were still covering her mouth, her brown eyes wide behind her glasses. “You good?” I asked, resting a hand on her shoulder.

She jumped at my touch and I pulled back. “Oh, I’m gonna make such a dumbass of myself…” she whispered out loud, more to herself than to me. “Oh, I dunno if I can do this, Ashton…”

“You talked with me, right?”

“Yeah. After purposefully walking by you and being in front of you any chance I got. And even then, I wasn’t good at it.”

I chuckled. “You did fine. You’ll be fine. Worse case scenario just talk to Mike and Luke. They’ll talk about anything.”

She nodded her head as she hyped herself up. “Yeah, I can do this. I got this. I’m fine. This is fine. This is great. I’m just kinda seeing my favorite drummer and now hanging out with my favorite band. Yeah, this is great. I’m not freaking out AT ALL!”

My eyes went wide as I watched her spiral. “Whoa,” I said, putting my hands on her shoulders, trying not to take too much delight in her confession. “Just breathe.”

Her eyes glanced up at me and I saw how wide they were with her nerves. Slowly, she relaxed and the nerves melted. She let out a shaky breath. “Okay. I can do this.”

“Course you can.”

~~~

Her laugh echoed around us, loud and full of life as she leaned against me from her spot on my lap. “All I said was that my friends play, Mike. I never said I did.”

“Can I teach you though?” Mike asked, his green eyes wide in his excitement.

“Oh, my God!” she continued to laugh. “Do you actually have 2 decks on you?”

“Only always.”

“You know what? Fuck it. Let’s play Magic. I’ll probably lose, but eh.”

“Dude, please keep her,” Mike said, looking over at me as he dug through Crystal’s purse for his cards.

“Uh…” I chuckled, rubbing at my neck. I had every intention of keeping Bridget. But we had only known each other for 4 days.

“We’re still figuring it out,” she told him. “And while I’m not fond of the idea of being kept, I’m willing to make an exception.”

“Feminist?” Sierra asked.

Bridget shrugged. “I just believe in being in a relationship with someone because that’s what both partners want. I’m still going to be me, and if someone wants to love me while I keep being me, that’s more than fine because I have a lot of love to give somebody like that. But kept? Nah, I dated a guy once who was possessive that way and it didn’t work out. And then I dated a guy who loved me for me and allowed me to be unapologetically myself, and it still didn’t work out. But, eh, c’est la vie. And that last love is still the type of love I’m chasing after, just hopefully with a better ending.”

I leaned my head back and processed her words, betting everything I had that her demons lay somewhere in her confession.

“Did you just speak French part way through that?” Calum asked.

She scratched under her right ear. “Did I?” She shrugged, “That’s entirely possible.”

“She can speak French?” Mike asked, a dumb grin on his face.

“I think she’s fluent,” she teased back with an equally dumb grin. Then she shook her head. “No. I took French in high school, but I’m nowhere close to being fluent. Ready to play?” she asked, nodding at the cards in his hands.

“Wait, can you ask me to play Magic in French?” Mike asked, not willing to let it go, and I secretly thanked him. I wanted to hear her speak French. I just wanted to hear her in general. 

Bridget’s cheeks flushed. “Uh…” Her glassed moved up as she pinched at her nose and closed her eyes in thought. The words tumbled out slowly, “Veux-tu jouer a la magie avec moi?”

“Wow… the lady doth speaketh French muy bien,” Mike applauded.

“That’s Spanish, Mike,” she said, her cheeks flushing, as her hand dropped from her face and her eyes opened. “I probably should’ve used the formal and said cards rather than magic but, eh.”

“What’s the difference?” I asked.

“Uh.. Voulez-vous jouer aux cartes avec moi.”

Calum grinned, wiggling his eyebrows at her. He loved hearing people speak other languages. We all did. “Oh, la, la. Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?” he said.

Bridget’s cheeks flushed damn near purple, hands covering her mouth in shock as she giggled. “Oh, my God! No! Don’t say that, Calum!”

“What?” we all asked. “What did he say?”

“Yeah, what did I say? I get that all the time when we go to France and I have no idea what they’re asking,” Calum said.

“You asked if I wanted to sleep with you tonight,” Bridget squeaked out. “Which is significantly less crude than that actual verb ‘to fuck’ as ‘coucher’ is ‘to sleep’, but the implication is there all the same. Please don’t ask me that,” she giggled through her explanation, her brown eyes wide as she looked at Calum’s equally brown eyes.

Yeah, I thought to myself, don’t ask her that. Then, to her, I whispered, “Can you ask me that?”

She turned her wide-eyed gaze at me and lightly smacked my chest, “You are terrible! Stop that!” she giggled at me, swatting my chest again.

I grabbed her hand and she gulped as my eyes darkened. “I strongly suggest not doing that,” I told her, my voice a low warning.

“Normally I’d say something sarcastic back like ‘Oh yeah? Or what?’ but I can’t tell if you’re being mad or sexy right now, so I’ll just nod my head and stop,” she whispered against me.

I held her tighter against me, wondering who had made her fear making people mad, wondering who in their right mind could ever be mad at her. Her demons, my thoughts answered for me.

~~~

“Whoa, someone’s hungry,” Bridget laughed as our stomachs all let out a collective rumble.

“Pizza?” Mike suggested.

“Nah,” Luke brushed off. “Chinese?”

“Nah,” Calum disagreed.

“Wait,” Bridget said. “Do you guys not cook?”

“No,” we all told her. “We’re on the road a lot, and when we’re home it’s still just easier to order in or something. Can you imagine if we actually went to the store?” I explained.

Bridget laughed. “Aw, no Walmart adventures then?”

Calum grinned, “Yeah, that’s why we go at like 2 am.”

“So no one can judge you for thinking a whole damn roll of fabric is five bucks? Honestly what were you thinking?” Bridget continued to tease and laugh.

“What the fuck is a yard?!” Calum asked.

“3 feet!” she told him.

“That makes no sense!”

“I never said it did!”

“Alright, settle down,” I giggled.

“But you guys seriously don’t cook? Wow.”

“You cook?” I asked.

She shrugged. “I’m more of a baker. But yeah, I can cook basic stuff.”

“Like what?”

“What do you want to eat?”

“Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve had like a really good mac and cheese?” Luke spoke up.

Her brown eyes lit up, “You want mac and cheese? I make bomb mac and cheese.”

“I think I might have a box in the kitchen,” I said.

“But is it good?” she asked.

I shrugged. “What’s good by your standards?”

She rolled her eyes and got up off my lap. “Show me,” she said, holding out her hands for me.

I got up, leading her to the kitchen. “Do you have a large casserole dish?” she asked, leaning against the counter as I rummaged through my sparse cupboards.

“Yeah,” I told her, retrieving the blue box, “I have stuff to cook with. I just don’t really cook much. Here ya go.”

She frowned at the box in her hand. “Oh, no. This won’t do.”

“It’s mac and cheese!”

“It’s the wrong kind.”

“So, what? You want me to go to the store so you can cook for us? We can just order in, it’s fine.”

“Please?” she asked, looking up at me pleadingly. “I wanna cook for you guys.”

I sighed deeply. She, I decided, made it very hard to say “no.” “Alright, guess I’m going to the store.”

“I can go. You guys don’t have to… that’s not…” her voice faltered.

“It’s the store, not war,” I told her with a giggle.

“I know. But it’s fucked up that you can’t do something as simple as grocery shopping without ending up in the tabloids or some shit.”

“Maybe so,” I agreed. “But you want mac and cheese and I don’t have the right kind, so what else do you propose I do? Do tell.”

She rolled her eyes and smacked my chest lightly. “Alright. I’m not gonna deny myself the chance of seeing you doing something as mundane as shop for groceries.”

~~~

“Oh, this is good!” Luke groaned into his bite.

After a, thankfully uneventful, run to get groceries, Bridget had shooed us all out of the kitchen to cook.

“Are these breadcrumbs?” Mike marveled.

“Glad you like it, and yes,” she said, blowing on her forkful before taking a bit. “Mmm, I love comfort food.”

“And you made this out of a box?” Crystal asked.

Bridget nodded. Then, “Shit! None of you guys are vegans or anything are you?”

“I mean, I try to be,” Crystal said.

Bridget’s hand clapped to her mouth. “Oh, my God! I’m so sorry! It’s not vegan! It’s definitely not gluten free either! Oh, my God! I’m so sorry! I didn’t even think to… I’m such an idiot! Oh, my God!” she continued to freak out, setting her bowl down.

“Whoa, easy,” I said soothingly. “It’s fine.”

“Crystal, I am so fuckin sorry. If you don’t want to eat it, I understand. I just… I normally cook for myself or my family and none of us… I didn’t even think… I’m so sorry,” Bridget continued to apologize.

Crystal smiled softly at her. “It’s fine, babe. It’s good.”

“It really is,” Mike agreed. “Seriously, don’t worry about it. This is probably the nicest thing someone has done for us in a long while.”

“Really?”

We all nodded. “People don’t cook for us,” Calum told her. “This was kinda… homey? Like just one big family eating a home cooked meal together.”

“Couldn’t have said it better myself, Cal,” I said, placing a kiss in Bridget’s hair.

“You are all way too fuckin sweet, I swear,” Bridget said, smiling at us. “How anyone is ever rude to you guys is beyond me.”

Funny, I was thinking the same thing about you, I thought.

~~~

“So, how does that phrase go again?” I asked, once everyone had left and we got ready for bed.

“What phrase?” she asked, looking at me confused.

“The French one.”

“Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?” she asked, still confused.

“Yes,” I grinned.

“That’s how you say it,” she told me.

“And I’m answering your question.”

“I didn- Oh!” Her hand reached out to slap my arm. “You are trouble, that’s what you are.”

“So?” I asked suggestively.

“Ashton Irwin asking me for sex? Who am I to say no to that?” she laughed, coming into my arms, shedding her shirt as she did so.

“Technically, you asked me,” I grinned before dipping down to nip at her skin.

“Not the neck!” she breathed. “It won’t fade in time for work!”

I groaned, but moved my head lower anyway. “But I love kissing your neck.”

“You can kiss it all you want, just don’t mark me up where people can see.”

“Yes ma’am,” I winked at her. 

“God, you’re so hot,” she marveled. 

“Speak more French to me.”

“I can barely speak English when you look at me like that. You really think I c- oh, Dios mio!” she faltered as I ran a finger through her folds, my hands wasting no time. 

“That’s Spanish,” I smirked. 

“I know!” she laughed breathlessly. “Oh, fuckin fuck,” she moaned as her head rolled back as I pushed my finger into her. 

“Aw, you can be louder than that for me, can’t ya gorgeous?” I asked, moving my head to breath in her ear, my finger already bringing forth the filthiest squelching sounds from her pussy. 

“Keep doing that, and I’m about to get real loud, real fast,” she answered between panted breaths. 

“Is that a promise?” I curled another finger inside of her and grinned wickedly as she fought to keep her eyes open. 

“That’s a threat,” she managed to answer. 

“God, you’re so good to me,” I praised, using my free hand to tug down her jeans. 

“Not gonna be able to stand,” she told me, breathing hard. 

I pulled my hand from her and gently knocked her onto the bed. “I didn’t say st- OH FUCK!” she screamed suddenly as I dropped to my knees and buried my face in her. Her hands gripped my hair. “Yes, yes, YES!”

~~~

“Tomorrow’s Sunday,” she told me, after she finished her nightly ritual of kissing all my scars.

“I know. You don’t go back to work until Tuesday though right?”

She nodded. “But, you’re religious, yeah? Don’t you have church or something to go to?”

“I’m religious, yes, but I haven’t been to church in a good while. Why? Do you go to church? Cuz, I can take you if that’s the case.”

She shook her head at me. “No, I’m not religious, remember? I just- I wanted to be considerate of your beliefs.”

“What are your beliefs?”

She shrugged. “I think every religion has its truths. But, I don’t believe I need to devote myself to one religion to promote the message they all promote, which to me is to be kind and love unconditionally. But, I guess I’m technically Catholic. Irish Catholic if you want specifics.”

“Irish?”

She nodded. “Ashton, my name is an Irish trainwreck. I’m like half Irish or something. I forget the actual percentage, but it’s about half.”

“But, you don’t practice religion at all?”

“Nope,” she said, the ‘p’ popping. “Spent a lot of time being angry with God to ever feel justified calling myself a Catholic or a Christian. Never spent too much time with other religions to justify being any of those either. I’m just agnostic. I believe in something greater than myself, that the universe works in weird ways, that we are just as in charge of our destinies as anything else, but I’m not comfortable saying that force is God.”

“Why not?” I asked.

She shrugged. “There’s too much bad in the world for me to buy into the fact that it’s all God’s plan. Like really? God’s plan was giving my baby cousin cancer, making her better, and then making her sick again and taking her from us? God’s plan was to give my great uncle Alzheimer’s and leave my great aunt with a folded up flag to remember him by? And that’s just my life. But, then I went to church, ironically enough, for my baby cousin’s service. And the pastor said something that has stuck with me ever since and it was that his God is the good in the world. And while that didn’t stop me from being angry with God, it made me feel a little better about the whole concept. That being said, my relationship with God and what he is to me, it’s personal, I guess. Like, I don’t need to be part of this or that religion to prove my faith. I just keep on doing what I can to be a good person and try not to think too much about happens when I leave this place. I just hope my loved ones are there.”

“That,” I breathed, “is probably the most beautiful and poetic thing I have ever heard.”

“Then you,” she told me, “need to hear yourself more because I promise you that you’re wrong. You are, by far, way more beautiful and poetic than I can ever hope to be.”

“Agree to disagree,” I said, pressing my lips to hers.

~~~

“Hey, it’s that ring!” she said, pulling my hand closer to look at my pinky. “You don’t wear it all the time. You should.”

“Why? It’s just a ring.”

“No it’s not. It’s a Claddagh ring. You know what those rings symbolize, right?”

“I’m also half-Irish. You know that right?”

“You don’t know what it means, do you?”

“Care to tell me what it means Miss History Major?” I asked, my lips quirking upwards. Of course I knew what it meant. I just liked the way she explained things. 

She rolled her eyes. “I much prefer when you call me ‘gorgeous,’ Ash,” she told me.

“And I much prefer when you dazzle me with your smarts. So please, dazzle me.”

“It’s a Claddagh ring,” she started. “Traditionally a mother gives it to her daughter when the daughter comes of age. There are two ways to wear it, and four meanings for it. Right hand with the tip of the heart outwards and the person is single. Right hand with the tip of the heart facing the wearing and the person is in a relationship. Left hand, heart tip outwards means the wearer is engaged. And left hand with the heart tip facing inwards means the wearer is married.”

I smiled more. “And what does mine tell you?” I asked.

She peered down at my pinky real quick. “It says you’re in a relationship,” she said simply. Then her eyes went wide, “Wait… Ashton…”

“What?” I asked, innocently. “I’m in a relationship, am I not?”

We hadn’t labeled what this was between us. She had been patient enough to not even ask what we were after our first night, content that we were figuring it out as we went along. But after 3 and a half months, I was teetering on the edge of being in love with the woman who greeted me by kissing first my lips and then my scars, who wouldn’t fall asleep before she kissed my scars again or watched as I did it myself if we were apart. She was the voice I listened to when my demons reared their ugly heads. But, I was too scared to tell her all that, so wearing my ring was the next best thing.

“Is that what you’re asking?” she breathed. “Much like how you tell me you won’t make me do anything I don’t want to, this goes both ways. I’m fine with where we’re at, Ash. I don’t need promises just because you think I need them.”

I frowned, dropping my head down, feeling like I had pushed too far. Damn it. My fists curled and I felt a wave of self-hatred wash over me. “Nevermind,” I said shortly, sliding the ring off and letting it clatter on the kitchen table between us.

“Don’t do that,” she said, reaching forward to grab the ring, spinning it between her fingers.

“Don’t do what?” I demanded, my voice snapping at her. “Don’t ask you for a relationship?”

“No,” she whispered. “Don’t get mad at me for trying to protect you.”

“Protect me from what?! You’re the one who wanted to know every part of me! Is this too much for you now!” my voice thundered and my hand came down to slam on the table

“Please,” her voice cracked, barely audible. “You’re scaring me...”

My eyes took in the quiver in her lip, the tears sliding down her cheeks, the way she was cowering in her seat. I had seen her eyes wide with nervous fear before, but that wasn’t the look she had now. This was legit terrified. And it was my fault. I slumped back, shame washing over to mix with the self-hatred. “I’m sorry,” I said, my voice dropping low.

“Please don’t do that,” she blubbered before bursting into tears. Her hands covered her face, her shoulders heaved, and I felt like an absolute monster. I moved towards her, but her hands pushed out, “No, don’t,” she said, shaking her head at me. “Please.”

“Baby,” I begged, my heart breaking for what I had done to evoke such a strong negative response from her. All I wanted was to tell her what she meant to me and now she was literally pushing me away.

Her breathing came out rapid and shallow. Her hands fluttered in panic. “I’m having… oh, God…” she sputtered.

I didn’t care anymore. I grabbed her in my arms and moved us to sit on the kitchen floor, cradling her body against me as she struggled for breaths. “I’m sorry,” I whispered over and over in her hair. “I’m so sorry, baby. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“Water,” she spoke, after what felt like an eternity but was probably not even 2 minutes.

“I’ll get you water, baby,” I nodded, standing us up carefully.

“Oh, I can’t believe I just did that…” she mumbled into her hands as she took a seat at the table.

“Baby, I am so sorry,” I kept apologizing, my stomach twisting itself in knots as I pushed a glass of water in her hands and then took a seat next to her. “Do you want to talk about it? Or do you want me to give you some space?”

She held up a finger at me and gulped down the water. “I had a panic attack. Those happen sometimes. They used to happen to me a lot. But, I haven’t had one in a long while. And I’m really embarrassed right now.”

“I’m so sorry, baby…” It was taking all my strength not to burst into tears myself after seeing her so broken and broken because of me. I never wanted to experience this again, and I would spend the rest of my life making it up to her if she let me.

“Not your fault,” she said, smiling softly at me. “It’s a reaction. You did something kind and thoughtful. And I panicked. And that’s all there is to it.”

“No. That’s not all there is to it. I scared you.”

She gave a wry chuckle. “It’s them damn demons, I tell ya. Yes, your reaction scared me. I don’t-” she paused looking for the words. “I don’t do well with bad reactions. I panic. As you just saw. But, that doesn’t make your reaction any less valid than mine.”

“No. Scaring you is not a valid reaction. I lost me temper. And I lost it with myself and I lashed out at you. And that is never okay.”

“Ashton,” she said softly, reaching out to grab my hands in hers. “Losing your temper doesn’t make you a bad person. It’s my past that made me panic. Not you.”

“But I triggered it. You were fine until I slammed my hand.”

She nodded.

“What happened?” I asked, hoping she knew I meant what happened in the larger context, not her panic attack specifically.

“My ex. The first one. He was…”

“The possessive one?”

She nodded. “He was a piece of work. He had his own demons he was fighting. And we were too young to know any better. And when he said he loved me, I believed it. But, he had an odd way of showing it, that I passed off as high school romance.” She shook her head and looked up, like she was trying to reverse gravity on the tears that were starting to spill down.

“What did he do to you?”

“In simple terms, he abused me. Mostly emotionally and mentally. Sometimes sexually.”

“He raped you?” I asked, feeling my fists clench.

She shook her head. “No. We never actually had sex. Sexual stuff, sure. But never actual sex, thank God for that. But, he took advantage of the idea that I would always go running back to him. And when I pushed, he shoved. Not physically. He scared me plenty and implied a few physical threats, but he never hit me. And that was the golden fuckin phrase. He made me feel absolutely worthless, but hey, he never hit me.” She let out a disgusted chuckle. “Anyway, he got angry with just about any choice I tried to make if it wasn’t what he wanted. Especially if it wasn’t what he wanted. And I’d get scared. And that only fueled his anger. Like he got a sick thrill from scaring me. I eventually grew up and learned what real love was like and cut ties. And while I try really hard to have confidence in my choices, there’s still this part of me that wants to please people. I can’t stand people being disappointed in me. And you… well, I’m not as healed as I thought I was.”

“I was angry at myself. Not you. I could never be mad at you, or disappointed in you,” I told her. “And I will never hurt you or make you scared. I promise.”

“I know, Ashton. I’ve known bad, and I’ve known good. You are neither.”

I tilted my head to the side in confusion.

She grabbed my ring and slid it back on my right pinky, the tip of heart facing my wrist. “You are great. And I love that you want to be in a relationship with me because I love you, Ashton.”

My eyes went wide at her words. “You love me?”

She laughed. “If you want downright honesty, I was in love with you the day I became a fan of your band. But, yes. I do love you. Every part of you.”

“Even the part that just scared you into a panic attack?”

“Especially that part,” she nodded. “Because that part then showed a great remorse that I never got from my ex.”

“It’s not good what I did. You know that, right? That was toxic. I’m toxic.”

“You,” she said, getting up and coming to sit in my lap. Her hands reached up to cup my face. “You are beautiful. And I love you dearly.”

I nuzzled my face into her neck. “I love you too, baby. And I’m sorry. I promise I’ll never scare you again. I never want to see you look that way again and know that I’m the reason for it.”

She chuckled in my arms. “I’m not made of glass, Ash. Sometimes I fall, but I’m not gonna shatter if you raise your voice at me. Never hold back your emotions.”

“This is a complete 180 from the woman who was freaking out over me wearing a ring,” I continued to talk into her neck.

“I know,” she giggled. “I’m crazy that way. I pushed. It’s not that I’m afraid of love. I’m afraid of what comes when that love stops because I barely survived last time. I don’t ever want to feel that low.”

“I don’t ever want to make you feel that way.”

“I know. That’s why I’m telling you this. I’m not saying that I love you and want a relationship with you because it’s what I think you want to hear. I’m saying it because it’s the truth. It just took you holding me while I crumbled for me to realize it.”

“I’m never gonna let you go,” I promised. “I love you, baby.”

“I love you, Ash.”

~~~

“Are you gonna be okay?” I asked as I packed.

She just laughed. “Ash you’re gonna be gone like a month. I think I’ll live.”

“Have you ever been to Europe?”

“No.”

“Wanna go?”

“Ashton!” she gasped at me. “I have school!”

I rolled my eyes playfully. “Don’t your finals start soon?”

“Yes. So I should really be writing essays rather than watching you pack.”

“So come out after your finals.”

“I still have work after finals, Ashton. And not to mention, I can’t afford to go to Europe. I live with my mother!”

I sat down on my bed with a huff, holding out my arms for her. “Two questions for you,” I said, once she was in my arms.

“Two answers,” she responded, which was her quirky way of telling to go ahead and ask.

“Move in with me when I get home. And come to Europe with me when you get done with work.”

“Those aren’t questions,” she said, rubbing her nose against mine.

“Fine,” I conceded. “Will you move in with me when I get home? And will you join me in Europe when you go on summer break?”

“Yes to the first one. I would love to, but I can’t for the second one.”

“You’ll move in with me, but you won’t go to Europe with me?”

“I can’t afford it, Ash.”

“What if I said money wasn’t a factor?”

“I would say you’re crazy.”

“Money isn’t a factor.”

“You’re crazy.”

“Please?”

She looked up at me and sighed. “How can I say no when you look at me like that? How you can come across as so intimidating while looking like a damn puppy dog, I will never know.”

“So, is that a yes? You’ll join me on tour?”

She sighed again. “I guess…”

“Yes!” I cheered. “My baby’s moving in with me and coming with me to Europe!”

“I’m moving in with my boyfriend and going with his band to Europe!” she cheered with me.

I put a finger in my ear as she cheered. “Wow, you wanna scream, huh?” I asked, a seductive grin crossing my face.

“Sorry,” she said, her hands rubbing at my ears tenderly. “I’m excited and forgot that you’re right here. Sorry.”

My seductive grin grew wider and I sucked into her neck. “Be as loud as you want for me, baby,” I told her, my voice a low growl.

“Oh, fuck,” she moaned, her body slacking into mine, her eyes rolling before they shut.

“Gotta make you remember who’s baby you are before I leave,” I continued to growl and nip at her.

She giggled, then gasped, eyes snapping open. “No, not my neck, Ash! I have work still!”

I rolled my eyes as I pulled back. “That’s my favorite spot though,” I whined.

Her hands were in my hair. “I know, Ash, I know. But, please don’t. Make me remember that I’m yours from my collarbone down, okay?”

“Yes ma’am,” I winked, tugging her shirt upwards. “And you don’t belong to anybody,” I told her, kissing her as the shirt got tossed and I undid her bra.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m a feminist, you respect women, and I love you. Now give me something to get me through this next month without you,” she demanded, pushing me backwards onto the bed and straddling me.

“Whatever you say, baby.”

“Fuck, I love it when you call me that. Although I do miss you calling me gorgeous.”

“Mmm, my gorgeous baby,” I purred at her, as I took her glasses off and set them aside.

“I think I just came,” she laughed, putting her hands on my face. “You used to wear glasses. Why don’t you?”

“You’re really asking me this now?”

“I keep forgetting.”

“I wear contacts, baby. That way I don’t waste time taking them off every time I fuck you.”

“That’s a shame. The glasses were hot.”

“Do you want me to give you something to remember me by or not?” I growled, growing impatient.

“Talking too much again?” she asked.

“Never, baby, never. But right now? The only sounds I wanna hear from you better be the filthiest fuckin shit rolling off those gorgeous lips.”

“Okay, seriously, my panties could not get any fuckin wetter.”

“That’s more like it,” I grinned, undoing her pants and sticking my fingers between her. “Good God, woman. Are you sure you didn’t come already?”

“I already told you,” she said squirming to get me to touch her, “that I thought I did. Your voice alone is enough to make me weak in the knees. Then you call me shit like ‘gorgeous baby’ and I’m a mess, alright?”

“Oh, you’re gonna be a mess alright,” I told her, driving two fingers deep into her, grinning devilishly as she gasped at my touch.

“Yes, please,” she moaned.

“Get undressed, baby,” I told her, taking out my fingers. “Da-”

“Don’t,” she said, pressing a finger to my lips, her cheeks bright red. “That was a kink I never really got behind. There’s only one way I’ll ever call you that, and I really don’t want to get side-tracked by having the kids conversation right now. So, yes, I want them. Yes, I think about having them. Yes, I think about having them with you. Do with that information what you will. But do not call yourself ‘Daddy’ in the bedroom, please,” she told me, her eyes sparkling a million different ways she rolled off of me to kick off her jeans and panties.

“God, I love you,” I marveled before I was on top of her.

“I love you, too,” she breathed up at me. “Now ditch the pants, get your head between my legs, start fingering me. I don’t really care. Just fuckin make me cum until I see stars.”

“I’m gonna ruin you, baby,” I promised, shoving two fingers right back into her.

“Do it,” came the gaspy reply.

So I did. She got every part of me that night- fingers, mouth, and cock- driving orgasm after orgasm out of her.

~~~

“So, kids?” I asked as she started kissing my wrists. God, I was gonna miss so much about her, but especially the way she was so soft to me.

She giggled and her face flushed. “I’ve wanted kids for a long time. My ex, the good one, wasn’t ready. He always said we were too young and he wanted to be able to support us. I was fine with that, right up until I wasn’t anyway.” Her head tilted as she looked away from me, reliving the memories.

“What happened? You say he was the good one but you still look haunted,” I said, gently touching her face to guide it back to look at me.

She closed her eyes briefly while she leaned into my touch. Fuck, I was gonna miss that too. “We were in high school. He loved me while my ex was abusing me. He loved me in spite of the abuse actually. He didn’t think that I was broken or weak, he just loved me through it. And I was 18 when the condom broke. He was 17 still. High school graduation was 4 months out. We were scared kids and did what scared kids do. He promised me next time. That promise was what kept me going through some of my darkest days. And then the years kept rolling. And we both got stubborn. And in the end, we decided that we were only together to make good on that promise. Yes, we loved each other. But, our relationship had changed from the young love it was into almost a chore of making up for past mistakes. And we weren’t okay with that. So we walked away. And in doing so we rebuilt the friendship we had lost. He’s still one of my closest friends.” No tears slid down her cheeks at this confession, just a small smile on her lips that conveyed a million different emotions: a deep sadness for love lost, pain for past mistakes, and contentment that it had all worked out for the best.

“Baby, I-”

“Don’t,” she giggled. “Don’t apologize. I am here and I am happy.”

“How? I think all of that would’ve broke me. And yet, you don’t sport a single scar.”

“My scars aren’t on my skin. I struggled. I cried. I shattered to pieces. I fantasized about how easy it would be to end everything. To succumb to the numb nothingness I felt inside. Hell, I loved the numb nothingness because it hurt so much less than the searing pain of disappointment. The what ifs I played over and over in my head came very close to eating me alive. I have journals where it’s just draft after draft of suicide note or just mad scribbling because the thoughts were so loud I couldn’t see straight. There is a darkness to me that not many people know about because I fought to be happy instead.”

I tucked my hands away feeling a deep shame. She was so much stronger than I could ever hope to be. “You are strong. And beautiful. And I’m so glad you’re here.”

She smiled and pulled my arms back to her for more soft kisses. “You are also strong and beautiful. And I am so fuckin glad to have met you. And to get to love every part of you.”

“I can’t wait to make you a mom,” I admitted, admiring her and all she was.

“Really?” she asked, pausing her kisses to look at me with those soft eyes of hers.

“Really.”

“We’ve been together five months, Ashton. Isn’t this all a little soon?”

“We don’t have to do this now. Whenever you’re ready, baby. Just say when.”

“I fuckin love you.”

I chuckled. “I love you too, baby.”

~~~

“Hey, Ash?” she asked me the next morning.

“Yeah, baby?”

“The guitars you have in the spare room. Do you take them with you?”

I shook my head. “Nah, we have a whole set of stuff we take for touring. I leave those here. Why?”

“Can I use them while you’re gone?”

“You play guitar?”

She giggled. “Not well. But yeah. So can I?”

“Do you wanna go play now?”

“Can we?!”

I giggled at her excitement. “C’mon,” I said, getting out of bed and holding out my hand for her.

“This is so cool,” she admired, taking in the instruments scattered about the room I had turned into a home studio of sorts. “Can I?” she asked, gesturing at the acoustic guitar in front of her.

“Go for it,” I said, taking a seat behind the drum kit and pushing my hair back.

She gingerly picked it up, and strummed her way through a few chords. A huge grin came across her face as the music rang out around us. “Oh, God I forgot how cool this was.”

“Pretty sure that’s one of my songs,” I giggled, recognizing the chords.

“It is,” she said, blushing. “It was simple enough for me to pick up, but I still can’t move my fingers fast enough to play it right. But I still like hearing it.”

“C’mere,” I said, patting my thighs.

I scooted as far back in the stool as I could while she squeezed her way between me. “It sounds better on electric,” I told her, taking the guitar from her and reaching for the electric one. “Same finger placement. Same pattern. Try it,” I encouraged.

Again, she slowly strummed her way through the pattern, humming along as she did so.

“Hey-ey-e-ey,” I sang softly with her. “Keep going.”

She plucked her way slowly through the whole song, both of us humming the lyrics. “Well, that sucked,” she laughed, setting the guitar down.

“Nah, it was awesome,” I smiled at her. “Wanna drum it with me?”

“I don’t know how to drum,” she whispered.

“That’s okay, I’m gonna teach you. Here, take these,” I said, handing her a set of drumsticks. “Now, relax your hands and let me guide you through it. Don’t worry about the footwork, I’ll take care of it.”

Again, we worked our way through the song, this time at the right speed, as I carefully but swiftly moved her hands through the pattern.

“That was so cool!” she said, once we finished, her eyes shining. “Can you teach me more when you come home?”

“Baby, I’ll teach you anytime you want me to. Doing my favorite thing with my favorite girl? I can’t think of anything I’d rather do.”

“There is a huge part of me freaking out over you calling me your favorite girl, but I can think of something else we can do.”

“Oh yeah?” I asked.

“What was that thing people used to ask you? Bang me like you bang those drums?”

I closed my eyes and groaned, feeling the twitching in my sweatpants. “That’s a lil rough,” I breathed.

“Then be a lil rough. I can handle it.”

“You’re gonna be regretting those words by the time I’m through with you,” I growled, already stripping her of her shirt.

“I regret nothing,” she said before a wild side I didn’t know existed had her sinking her teeth into my neck.

~~~

“Ash!” she squealed, running full speed into my arms.

“Baby!” I breathed, picking her up. God, the month apart from her had dragged. Tour was great. But I missed her in my arms.

I hadn’t even fully placed her on her feet before she was kissing my wrists. “I’ve missed you,” she murmured.

“I’ve missed you too,” I smiled.

“I have to tell you something,” she said, suddenly, pulling back and getting shy.

“What baby?” I asked, keeping my face neutral despite my stomach twisting itself in knots and my heart doing flips in my chest.

A grin spread across her face as she leaned up on her tiptoes. “When,” she said, her voice low and seductive.

“When what?” I asked confused.

“Ash,” she said, looking at me seriously. “You told me that whenever I’m ready to tell you when. When, Ash. Fuckin when.”

“Wait, what?!” I asked excitedly. “You want a-?”

She nodded excitedly. “Make me a mom, Ashton Irwin.”

“I fuckin love you, baby.”

~~~

“Ready to go, baby?” I asked, peeking my head in the bathroom.

“Yeah, I just need to grab my shoes,” she told me, flashing me a smile.

“No black dress this year?” I pouted, taking her hand and spinning her in a circle. She was still stunning in a navy blue dress that showed of her shoulders and flowed down to her feet.

She shook her head. “I feel a little bloated,” she told me with a frown.

“Oh?” I asked, perking up. Trying for a baby hadn’t been easy with my being off on tour and I knew it was eating away at her. But since I got home two weeks ago, we hadn’t been able to keep our hands off each other.

She shook her head again. “No, Ash. I’ll tell you when there’s news to tell.”

I rested my chin on her head and looked at her through the mirror. “I’m sorry, baby. I know how much this means to you. It’ll be easier now that I’m home, okay?”

She smiled that soft smile and turned to face me. “I know, Ash. I wasn’t expecting this to happen right away. I knew it would take time.”

“But you’re disappointed all the same,” I pointed out. “I’ve seen the trash. And I’m sorry I haven’t been here for you.”

“Ash, I’m fine, I promise. Has it been hard? Yes. But, we kinda got to be able to see each other to have a baby.”

“Well, I’m here now,” I suggested, ducking my head down to kiss her deeply.

She pushed at my chest. “Later. We got a party to get to.”

I groaned at her words. “Alright, then. Let’s go,” I relented.

She smiled and moved passed me. I grinned, my hand moving to feel the weight of the small box in my pocket.

~~~

She sipped on her water, a small smile on her face as she watched me interact with the people around us. “Enjoy your night,” I told the person I was talking with, shaking their hand and reliving how a year ago I was telling her that. I touched my pocket, feeling the small box in there. Fuck, I didn’t know who was more nervous: her last year approaching me, or me, now, with her ring burning a hole in my pocket. “Wanna dance?” I asked her.

“I waited a whole year to hear you ask me that,” she grinned, taking my hand in hers.

“Me too, believe me,” I agreed, letting her lead me to the middle of the room.

“So you were checking me out!” she grinned. “I fuckin knew it!”

“You’re hot, baby. How could I not?” I winked.

“Because last year you were Ashton Irwin and I was a nobody?”

“You’ve never been a nobody, baby.”

She rolled her eyes playfully. “Agree to disagree.”

“So, tell me,” I said, spinning her in a circle. “You gonna get your time-stopping, earth-shattering New Year’s kiss this year?”

“I fuckin better.”

“You will,” I promised. “But first, favorite moment from this year. Go.”

“Ooo, that’s a tough one,” she said, bringing a finger to her lips in thought. “There were so many good ones this year. But, I guess I’ll go with our first kiss. All of my favorite spiraled from there. What’s yours?”

“This,” I winked, then dropped to my knees, digging my hand in my pocket to pull out the box.

“Ashton, what are you doing?!” she shrieked, clapping a hand over her mouth.

“Asking you to marry me,” I said, grinning and flipping the box open. “Marry me?”

“YES!” she screamed.

“Yeah?!”

“YES!” she continued to scream.

“YES!” I screamed with her, standing up, wrapping her in my arms, and spinning us in circles.

“Whoa, easy,” she scolded lightly. “My stomach hurts.”

“Shit, sorry,” I rushed, setting her on her feet and slipping the ring on her finger.

“Oh, Ash!” she breathed, tears falling down her face as she looked at the ring. “It’s a Claddagh ring. It’s beautiful!”

“I got myself a new one too,” I smiled, showing her my hand.

She grinned. “Mikey is gonna be so mad you got an engagement ring and he didn’t,” she laughed.

I laughed with her, “Yeah probably. Happy anniversary baby.”

“It’s not our anniversary yet.”

“Yes it is. I count it from the minute I met you.”

“In that case, I have your present.”

“Oh?” I asked, getting excited.

She moved around me to dig through her purse. “I mean, it’s no ring,” she said, pushing a small photo into my hand. “But I think you’ll like it all the same.”

“What is i- OH MY GOD!” I screamed, clapping a hand to my mouth as I drew the attention of the room. This time the tears fell down my face. “Is this what I think it is?” I whispered, my voice cracking.

A huge grin came across her face as she nodded. “We did it, Ash.”

“But you said!”

“I know! I lied!”

“You brat!” I laughed, swatting at her arm.

She grinned. “I lied twice. I said that our first kiss was my favorite moment from this year. I take it back. This one is.”

“Mine too,” I grinned back, kissing her deeply. “You are going to make an amazing mom and wife.”

“And you’re gonna be an amazing dad and husband. And I can’t fuckin wait.”

“How far along are you?”

“Baby Irwin arrives sometime in May.”

“I love you, gorgeous. So fucking much. And you too, baby!” I said, dropping to my knees again to kiss her stomach.

“We love you too, Daddy,” she winked at me. “Every part of you.”

[shinglescat]

A character interview? Is this how this called?

'Kay, a lil something before writing all the technical stuff at work tomorrow. Ugh, writing this is ways better than writing some dumb ass shit about buildings that no one properly reads, dickheads (still can’t believe there are people who are able to miss an entire chapter dedicated to calculating parking lots).

Tagged by @forevervobla​ Hey, @queensforza​, wanna participate? 

A warm hut in a wast boreal tundra, a group of people settled in there for a rest after a long journey. The eldest of them all was napping near a fireplace, his arms crossed on his chest, his heavy armor lying under a cozy couch. A red headed girl near him, her head resting on the man's shoulder, drooling on his expensive set of clothes - the old man couldn't care more, he would forgive anything to his grandchildren. A dark skinned woman was sitting behind a kitchen counter, gulping on a bowl of meat soup; near her a white haired man was poking his stew with a fork, absorbed by a book in front of him. The other one, knife-eared, settled in a chair in a corner, away from anyone else.

Name ->  "Name's Markus. Mark for short", the elf fixed the collar of his white shirt and dusted his black pants. With a look of interest in his eyes he rolled his head a bit to the right.

Are you single? -> the question made him reach out to his head, scratching the back of the head, as the thought process in his brains started running at top speed - it took longer for him to think out the answer, "Eh, yes?... I mean no", he quickly corrected himself, shaking his head in negation, pointing at something in the distance, "I'm with that guy", he blurted out awkwardly, his finger landing on a man behind a kitchen counter, "Well, it's just... I can't really tell, I didn't ask him out, neither did he.  So we're just... together, I guess?" the elf raised his left brow in question as if he hoped someone would answer the question for him. His face was red, as he still wasn't used to the talks of private and intimate nature with anyone at all. Are you happy? -> it made him move forward, his arms on his knees, "About what?" he let out a smirk, knitting his brows, "You gotta be more specific here."

Are you angry? ->  "Neither. Neither angry, nor happy", Mark crossed his arms on his chest in defense, all of a sudden feeling uncomfortable from all the questions.

Are your parents still married? -> a weird question, for sure, that made the kid change his facial expression one more time, "Yeah, why shouldn't they be? The hell would sooner freeze over than those two would divorce or anything."

NINE FACTS Birth Place? ->  he wasn't as tense as before anymore, instead puzzled, trying to gather his memories together, "I... don't know", he responded, adding nonchalantly a bit later, "Well, I actually know, but it doesn't really matter, it had no affection on me if that's what you're getting at."

Hair Colour? ->  "Jet black, obviously", - he answered as quickly as he could, already regretting to open up a bit.

Eye Colour? ->  "Silver, I dunno."

Birthday? -> "Near the end of Evening Star."

Mood?->  "I'm deadly tired", he shifted in his chair, getting into more comfortable position by placing his leg underneath him, his entire weight put onto a table near him through his elbow, as he leaned his head against his palm, "Feels like I wanna fall into a ditch and die".

Gender? ->  "Seriously?", he asked with annoyance in his voice. It should be pretty obvious, yet...  "Do you see a pair of boobs on me or something? The last time I checked I had a weiner", ah, being rude felt so much better.

Summer or winter? -> "Winter I guess. No insects around this time of year."

Morning or afternoon?-> "The latter."

EIGHT THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE Are you in love? -> against his will he smiled, face relaxing visibly. This couldn't've stayed for a long time, as he forced the grumpy face again on him, "Look at me and answer the damn question yourself."

Do you believe in love at first sight? -> the question made him change the facial expression one more time, as he went on full philosopher on that, "Nah. I mean, realistically speaking if you feel something of a love at first sight, it's desire that plays on you", his gaze drifted across the room, looking somewhere in the right lower corner, as the cogs in his head started turning around, "That shit is so strong it makes you mistake it for love. But the latter is kinda more subtle? " he leaned on his knees with his elbows again, gaze still drifting, "It doesn't make you want to possess or own someone, it doesn't make you feel too attached or so on in the similar key; it just...", he made a gesture with his hands, making circles in the air, straightening up his spine, "The real love doesn't make you feel all of the above, only fondness and tenderness, I guess? It also feels like you ate a shitton of chrysalides", he once again scratched the back of his head, a look of disgust appearing on his face, "and at some point they have all turned into butterflies right in your stomach and intestines... Fuck, now that's one hell of a unsettling comparison, think I'm gonna puke", he heard a snicker from the kitchen side, the woman calling him a smartass.

Who ended your last relationship?-> Mark made a loud laugh, making everyone around the hut look in his direction for a split second, "Nah, no one did. Never had any before."

Have you ever broken someone’s heart? -> "Well, I guess", he answered quietly, compared to the outburst before, "She tried to shape me into what she wanted", elf sighed, "used her magic on me, tried to manipulate me into... whatever perverted thing she meant. All she succeeded in was opening my eyes to something else entirely."

Are you afraid of commitments? -> "Well, everyone's gotta fear of it in one way or another", his voice still quiet, "I think I am, but I'm also... pretty open towards it. It just has to come from all sides involved, not from a single one, otherwise it's just... not fair."

Have you hugged someone within the last week? -> the elf smirked, smiling against his own volition one more time, gaze wondering, "No", he answered all of a sudden, voice stern, as he caught himself not being so grumpy anymore.

Have you ever had a secret admirer? ->  "Isn't the whole point of secret admirer is for them to be a secret from anyone?" the elf squinted.

Have you ever broken your own heart? -> "Nah. I'm lucky I didn't have something to break my own heart over", and added silently to himself, "But boy if it's gonna happen, there will be violence."

SIX CHOICES Love or lust? -> "Cuddles", Mark leaned against the back of the chair again, throwing one leg across the other, as if to make a point.

Lemonade or iced tea? -> "Crisp water", and then he added, excitement sparkling in his eyes, "Oh by the way, did you know that cold water tastes pointy, and the hot water tastes round?" to which the woman in the kitchen called him nerd. Oh boy, she's got a godlike hearing.

Cats or Dogs? -> "Cats, though I've a dog that certain someone", he raised his voice, looking at someone in particular, "doesn't like it as much", after getting the confirmation from the man behind the counter, elf lowered his gaze back again. The murmur could be heard, as the old man asked grumpily, awaken from his sleep, who was that asshole that didn't like dogs so much.

A few best friends or many regular friends? -> "Dunno", Mark shrugged his shoulders, "I've this bunch of dipshits, can't really tell."

Wild night out or romantic night in? -> "Whatever's most fun I guess".

Day or night? -> the question made him lean forward, his tone sarcastic, "Well, I love sleep so much, so guess it's day when I can't get shit done."

FIVE HAVE YOU EVERS Been caught sneaking out? ->  "No, I was quite good at it."

Fallen down/up the stairs? -> "Never? Not that I can remember anything, to be honest", he let his mind wander, adding after a couple of moments, "Maybe I did once or twice, but that should've happened during an emergency, so I can't remember anything."

Wanted something/someone so badly it hurt? ->  "See this shiny?", he raised his left hand, pointing at the finger with a silver ring on it, filled with diamonds of various sizes. He glanced at the sleeping girl near the fireplace cautiously, "I wanted it so badly I had to get it for myself."

Wanted to disappear? -> "Yeah, well... yeah", he covered his head with hands, untangling the legs into a normal sitting position. His head then dropped loose between his knees, as he tried to hide his face this time, "I mean, there's always the time you just... want to die", his voice low and dark, "I wanted to, several times, but I'm too much of a coward to pull the stunt. But... I've something to live for now."

FOUR PREFERENCES Smile or eyes? -> "Eyes, most definitely".

Shorter or Taller? -> Mark pointed in the general direction of kitchen, "Now look at that picky horseface behind that counter and answer the question yourself", a smug smirk on his lips.

Intelligence or Attraction? -> "What's with the weird questions? It's like "what more do you prefer: a chocolate cake or a warm bath". Anyways, I'd take a cake to a bath, hope this answers the question."

Hook-up or Relationship? ->  the elf let his gaze wander once again, before settling somewhere in the left upper corner, "Well, you never know what may happen, right? Come whatever may", he let out a sigh, quickly adding, "Yeah, well, I mean... it's either the latter or none in my book", another sigh, followed by a quiet line, "It started as... the first for me, and then it turned into some sort of messed up relationship. Kind of glad it did."

FAMILY Do you and your family get along? ->  the kid snorted, "Yeah, why not? It's sometimes hard, given the amount of non related people in the family, but it's fun. Kind of fun..."

Would you say you have a “messed up life”? -> "No."

Have you ever run away from home? -> "It was impossible to run away from my grandmother, her hounds would always find me, and with my foster parents - I haven't had a need to", the elf smiled, "They're the best."

Have you ever gotten kicked out? -> "Nope".

FRIENDS Do you secretly hate one of your friends -> Mark couldn't help but burst into laughter for a short while, "Of course! My sister's a nasty one", to which the suddenly woken up girl replied with a protesting sleepy "hey!".

Do you consider all of your friends good friends ->  "Sure. They may be assholes sometimes, but they're my assholes."

Who is your best friend ->  the kid looked at the kitchen counter, pointing in that direction, "Can't say I have a best friend, but she's the only one I trust the most."

Who knows everything about you -> "The old man", Mark pointed at a trying to fall asleep once again grumpy old elf, "He probably knows a lot more than I do."

[winterrs-child]

What's Going On?

(honestly the title is my mood 24/7. i'll probably end up changing it bc it's terrible and i had to come up with it at a dudebro party. ((where i am rn)) so yeah!! enjoy this really short chapter... i ended up scrapping all of the stuff i had written before and started anew! :D)

Peter knew he shouldn't have been there. If May found out, she'd have a fit. And an angry aunt was not something he wanted to deal with right then. But today was Tuesday, which meant he was supposed to stay with Tony until dark, although his mentor had canceled last minute due to a meeting in Arizona and Peter was left to entertain himself until May got back from work. So, he had picked up a stray spray paint can and was working on the mural he'd started a week ago. It wasn't anything really detailed, but it was almost finished and he was actually proud of his art. He had spent nights thinking and rethinking his idea, designing every detail and once he was finally satisfied, he began to slip away to the park every night. If May noticed anything she didn't mention it, and Peter was relieved. He didn't enjoy the idea of lying to his aunt. He already had to bend the truth for Spiderman, and he didn't know if he could handle something else.

Speaking of angry May, it was getting dark. He'd have to pack up and head home soon or she would ask questions that he really didn't want to answer. He muttered something under his breath — probably an Italian curse — and began to shove the cans in his bag.

-

Harley wouldn't be able to stop himself. He knew that much from his constant parkour and he felt strangely calm as he plummeted to the ground. He could hear his friends laughing at him and he bit his tongue to keep from swearing at them. He would have probably done the same thing, after all.

Mom wouldn't care if he came home with a few broken bones. She would pay the hospital fines and go back to drinking with her buddies, completely unconcerned by the well-being of her son. Well, you couldn't expect a single mom to do all of the work for her son. At least, that's what she had said before leaving him for yet another day with her drunk friends.

He had been so occupied with his thoughts that Harley hadn't noticed the boy directly under him, and they both crashed to the ground. He didn't think he had broken anything, but the boy he had landed on might be a different story.

"You alright?" He asked, scrambling to his feet and reaching down a hand. The least he could do was help.

"Y-yeah." The kid groaned, accepting Harley's help and standing up. "Don't think you broke anything, just now. Hopefully." He grinned and brushed his hair back from his forehead, shifting the bag that was still firmly on his shoulder. "I'm Peter, by the way. Peter Parker."

"Harley." He smiled awkwardly and they stood there for a second before he came to his senses. "Oh my god, I'm so sorry! I literally just squashed you like a spider and I didn't even apologize! Please don't, like, sue me or anything. If you want to bring someone to court, find my dad." He cringed as he realized what he had said and there was another short pause as he struggled to find something to say.

"It's fine," Peter eventually said. "Don't worry about it. It was a worthy cause, you know? If I hadn't been there to cushion your fall you would've… I dunno… splatted?"

Harley let out a weird snort and bit back a laugh. "Yeah. Splatted. Nice." He paused, glancing up at the building where his friends had been less than two minutes ago. Either they were coming down to get him or they had left altogether, and honestly, Harley suspected the latter. "Uh, Peter. I have to get going—" Lie. "—my mom will get really mad if I'm out past sundown—" Lie. "—and I'll probably get grounded." Lie. "Sorry about almost killing you, anyway."

Peter grinned. "I wasn't even close to dying, man. You're lighter than a feather!" He paused before going on, "why were you falling from a building in the first place?"

"I wouldn't have been!" Harley felt his face go red — though he didn't know why — and he stuttered over his next few words. “I was doing parkour, and — well, I don’t usually fall, but — but one of my friends pushed me before I was ready and then I was — I was falling and… yeah.” He smiled sheepishly. “I’m pretty good at keeping my balance, generally. Don’t know how I let an idiot like him get the best of me."

Peter chuckled and clapped Harley on the shoulder, startling the other boy. "Don't worry about it. Besides, you said you had to go? I do, too. My aunt will ground me forever if I'm out later than my curfew. See you around?"

It wasn't likely that they'd meet again; they both knew it. But that didn't stop Harley from firmly shaking Peter's hand and beaming, "yeah! 'Course!" The boys smiled at each other one last time and separated ways, Peter hitching his bag further up on his shoulder and Harley collecting his skateboard and water bottle from the far side of the park. Sure enough, his friends' things were gone.

They'd left him once again.

He wasn't mad, necessarily. They had done this before and it was sort of expected by this point, but still… it was annoying. He didn't like walking home alone, especially at night. It wasn't that he was necessarily afraid of the dark. He just… didn't really like the way people moved, the way they stared. Maybe he could get home before nightfall if he ran. Hopefully, his lungs could keep up with his legs.

It always helped if he had someone to call, to text, to talk to as he went home. Someone to ground him and help him feel safer. Someone that could call the cops if anything happened. Not that anything ever had — Harley had been very safe his entire life. He just… didn’t like the dark. Never had, never would

For whatever reason, his mind strayed to Peter. The boy he had landed on (but somehow hadn't broken), who had said everything was fine when it couldn't have been. Harley was easily close to two hundred pounds of muscle, and Peter was probably half that. Kid was tiny. There was no way he was as fine as he seemed… right?

-

Peter hiked his backpack up again and started home, walking with an ease he could’ve only picked up from Tony. In fact, he’d picked up a lot of habits from his mentor. Not eating, not sleeping, spending hours without looking up from his work, and the same dark humor they often found themselves using in the labs.

“You’re turning into a mini Stark,” May had said once, “he’s corrupting my baby.”

At the time, Peter had sunk further down into his chair and groaned, “May!” He’d felt his cheeks grow red and he buried his face in his arms. So desperately he wanted her to stop, to treat him like a grown-up. But then, but then, Tony Stark came into his life.

And the teasing just got worse.

Now there were two people that wanted to embarrass him, and he loved them more than anything.

Is this what it’s like to have divorced parents? He thought, then, is this what it’s like to have parents?

He’d never really thought of May as a mom. She was his aunt, his aunt May, and she had been kind to raise him. But she wasn’t his mom. She hadn’t carried him for nine months, gone through the pain of childbirth, hadn’t nursed him as a baby. Because that was something his mother did, something Elizabeth Parker had done for him.

Likewise, Tony wasn't his dad. Hell, they hadn't even known each other for more than two years! Tony was definitely not dad material, though it didn't really matter — at least, not when they were in the lab together, laughing and talking and building the most random thing they could think of. Not when he came to Peter's presentations, made sure Peter's suit was near indestructible, came to Peter's — oh god. Tony Stark was his dad. Tony was his fucking —

He shook his head. It wasn’t doing him any good to think about this, especially not right before he was supposed to call Tony. He couldn’t — he didn’t really want to slip up and call his mentor “dad,” because, at this point, he didn’t think he could stand any more embarrassment from either adult.

It seemed like hours before he slunk into the apartment, dropping his bag on the couch and unplugging his phone — thank god he hadn’t brought it with him, or it probably would have been broken, and Peter didn’t want to bother Tony about another new cell; it would be the third one that year, and he wasn’t keen on using all of Tony’s supplies.

“Hey, kid!” The words startled Peter out of his thoughts and he grinned, rolling onto his back. “How’s your day been? I’m sorry about the meeting, by the way.”

“I know, Mr. Stark. This is about the thousandth time you’ve apologized, and I get it. I went to the park, mainly. This kid almost crushed me, but it’s all good. Thanks to my super-healing, I was fine before he could even stand up.”

“Oh? How, exactly, did he almost crush you?”

Come to think of it, why was Harley parkour-ing from so high? Wasn’t it dangerous? Peter shrugged. “I don’t know. He said something about parkour but I don’t know much more than that. He was really nice, and seemed very worried about me. Didn’t really believe that I was fine.”

He could almost imagine Tony’s brow creasing as he listened. “Did you get a name? Maybe I’ll reach out to his parents. They can’t possibly know that their son is doing this. It’s not safe at all!”

“It’s fine, Mr. Stark, really. Listen, my day's been pretty boring. What's happening in Arizona?"

"You wouldn't believe it." Tony's voice sounded strained over the phone, but Peter assumed it was just static. "Honestly, Pete. I still don't believe it myself."

[boxinc]

ask meme

tagged by @sylferino

1. What takes up too much of your time? Video games honestly

2. What makes your day better? Hanging with friends in voice chat and shit, also video games.

3. What’s the best thing that happened to you today? Caught a porygon in pokemon go!

4. What fictional place would you like to go to? Minecraft babeey

5. Are you good at giving advice? Yeah I like to think so, took a while for me to feel comfortable giving friends advice and i feel more confident about it now than I ever have.

6. Do you have a mental illness? I think so, got recommended to see a therapist from my physical doctor after he observed i had signs of depression after my parents’ divorce, but i never went. 

7. Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis? No, hope i never do

8. What musician inspires you the most? Video game music? cant think of any actual genre in particular i listen to a lot

9. Have you ever fallen in love? Had a few crushes, but haven't fallen in love yet

10. What’s your dream date? I have no experience in dating but i think it might be hanging out in my or her house and just hanging out and shooting the shit together

11. What do others notice about you? I dunno, maybe that i’m quiet? (if it’s not my friends), a few strangers have said I have nice eyes though

12. What’s an annoying habit you have? I drink Dr Pepper when I’m thirsty, i need to stop

13. Do you still talk to your first love? See No. 9

14. How many exes do you have? 0

15. How many songs are in your playlist? No playlist really, just listen to shit on youtube

16. What instruments can you play? I can play a few LoZ OOT songs on piano

17. What do you have the most pictures of? Cats

18. Where would you like to go before you die? Maybe like France? or Japan? Heard they’re cool places to go.

19. What’s your zodiac? Libra

20. Do you relate to it? Dont know

21. What is happiness to you? Hanging out with friends, relaxing without anyone barging in, all in all just doing my own thing.

22. Are you going through anything right now? Still a bit worried about my future right now, what im gonna do after college, how im gonna finance living on my own, etc.

23. What’s the worst decision you ever made? Iunno, probably made a lot of mistakes in the past but whatever, cant change it right?

24. What’s your favorite store? Fuckin Stater Bros near me, can get TWO 6oz filets for $12

25. What’s your opinion about abortion? Pro Choice

26. Do you keep a bucket list? No

27. Do you have a favorite album? I dunno

28. What do you want for your birthday? Some DND stuff, maybe a game I’m excited for

29. What are people’s first impressions of you? I’m quiet, but very passionate about certain topics and can talk longer once i get comfortable with someone.

30. What age do you seem according to most people? I dunno, like, some people think im a little younger? so like 19?

31. Where do you keep your phone while you’re sleeping? On my nightstand, sometimes next to me on the bed if i fall asleep listening to something on my phone.

32. What word do you say the most? It’s either fuck, shit, or um

33. What’s the oldest age you would date? like, 25 or 26 maybe

34. What’s the youngest you would date? I think 20, the idea of dating someone 3 years younger than me seems odd, i’d rather them be close to my age or a little older than me maybe.

35. What job/career do most people say would suit you? A lot of people/teachers recommend me to look into either engineering or programming, could be a good path

36. What’s your favorite music genre? Video Game

37. If you could live in any country in the world, where would it be? Maybe like, Canada? or somewhere in Europe

38. What is your current favorite song? The Glorious Octagon of Destiny

39. How long have you had this blog for? Fuck dude i dunno

40. What are you excited for? FUCKIN HOLLOW KNIGHT SILK SONG BABEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY

41. Are you a better talker or listener? I feel like i can do both good, but with new people initially i listen better.

42. What was the last productive thing you did? cleaning my got dam room!

43. What do you want for Christmas? see No. 28

44. What class do you get the best grades in? Theoretically it’d be math but i never did any fuckin homework, so it’s actually like, art classes since they had no homework and were relatively easy

45. On a scale of 1-10, how are you feeling right now? eh like a 7

46. What can you see yourself doing in ten years? Hopefully in a stable job that lets me pay rent and live relatively financially safely, spending time with friends and shit, maybe in a relationship.

47. When did you get your first heartbreak? Never been with anyone, but i think the worst i’ve ever felt in terms of romantics was when i was in high school on valentines day and two girls walked by me and one of them asked me out as a joke and ran off laughing with her friend, that shit hurted real bad, especially since i had REALLY SHIT feelings about myself back then.

48. What age do you want to get married? Sometime in the future

49. What career did you want to have as a child? I wanted to be a game tester, because “play video games for money!” until i learned it was vastly about bug testing and repeating bugs over and over to find out what caused them.

50. What do you crave right now? Crab. I’m always craving crab.

This was fun, if you’re reading this you can say I tagged you

[antagonistchanremade]

So, one of the absolute best things about Sims 4 is that it kinda solved all of the disputes between Sims 2 and Sims 3. This is also why one of the biggest disappointments about Sims 4 is all the new disputes it created between itself and Sims 3.

Let me clarify. Sims 3 was a major departure from the way Sims 1 and 2 did things.

In Sims 1 and 2, you had one “save file”. The only way you could start over from the beginning was to uninstall and reinstall the game. If you changed something and saved the game, it was a permanent change to your installation of the game. So, if you played one household, then, say, got the parents divorced, and then played a different household, the parents from the first household would still be divorced, and the only way to undo the divorce would be uninstalling and reinstalling. This was both a good thing and a bad thing; having these changes be permanent things was interesting and let you explore the changes you could make to the whole neighborhood, but there definitely should have been a system in place to undo stuff beyond uninstalling and reinstalling.

Also, in Sims 1 and 2, the progression of time was nonlinear between households. Sure, stuff you did in one household would have an immediate impact on other households, but I’m talking about aging and the current date and time (and seasons if you had that expansion pack). You could play one household for several generations of Sims, and as long as you never played their neighbors, their neighbors would be the same for all those generations. As long as a Sim wasn’t currently being played, they were immortal.

Sims 3 changed both of these things, for both the worse and the better.

In Sims 3, you have multiple save files. Each one had a completely different world; the only connection you could make between worlds was to put a family from one save file in the Sim Bin and transfer them to a different save file, which was really only good if you wanted to transfer a family to a different neighborhood (since you could only have one neighborhood in a single save file). This sounds like only a good thing... except also, Sims 3 went out of its way to punish you for switching to another family in the same save file. Sure, you could play multiple households in one save file, but it’d make it harder for each individual household. The “play another household” functionality was far more of a commitment, more of a “I’ve changed my mind about which household I wanna play” thing or a “I’ve moved this Sim out of my original household and I wanna follow them” thing than a “I’m gonna switch to this other household for a little while, then this other one, then come right back” thing like in Sims 1 and 2.

And also in Sims 3, the Sims you aren’t currently playing are no longer immortal. They’ll age just like the active Sims. As an option, this’d be great; as a requirement, it’s a little alienating for fans of the previous games. I definitely remember hearing the news in, like, 2008 (when details about Sims 3 were just coming out) and being horrified. Thankfully, there were mods that let you change this, but, like... they were still mods, and mods should never count towards your rating of the game itself. And while there were also mods to solve the previous problem, they were self-admittedly not perfect and weird. Using those mods felt like a dirty hack.

So, like, there was a clear split between the way Sims 1/2 did things and the way Sims 3 did things, and it was a very uncomfortable split because they were both good ways to do things, but they suited completely different playstyles, which meant that people who were more used to Sims 1/2 would be uncomfortable trying to explore the new things Sims 3 added, while people more used to Sims 3 would be uncomfortable trying to explore the series’ history.

Sims 4 completely solved these problems in a way that was honestly kinda genius.

Sims 4 just... gives you options. You can do things in the Sims 1/2 way, or in the Sims 3 way, or even in a mix!

There are multiple save files, just like in Sims 3, that are completely separate from each other besides the Sim Bin, but you’re also not punished for playing multiple households within the same save. You can just play one household per save if you want to be like Sims 3, or you can just only have one save if you want to be like Sims 1/2, or you can mix and match! It’s all up to you! And it’s beautiful.

And then, time progression! In the options menu, there are time progression options, so you can choose to have the entire save file age equally (like in Sims 3), or only have the active household age (like in Sims 1/2), or even go somewhere in between and only have the households that have ever been active age!

And hell, Sims 4 also solved problems that people had had with the way both ways had done things! In both Sims 2 and Sims 3 (and I think also Sims 1′s expansion packs? I dunno, I only ever played 1′s base game), there were multiple neighborhoods you could explore. Except, a Sim could only explore the neighborhood they lived in, and Sims from another neighborhood would never show up as NPCs in the one you were playing. The neighborhoods were super divided in Sims 2, and in Sims 3 there could literally only be one neighborhood per save file- you wanted to explore another one, and you’d have to start a new save in that neighborhood.

In Sims 4, the neighborhoods are no longer so segregated. Not only can your Sim explore other neighborhoods, but the NPC Sims are taken from every neighborhood. You could be living in Sulani, hanging out with Mortimer Goth in Strangerville.

But, for some reason, Sims 4 introduced its own problems.

For instance, the open world.

In Sims 1/2, you were restricted to your current lot. In Sims 2 and some of 1′s expansion packs, you could travel to public lots, but there was a loading screen between them, and it was only public lots, not other people’s houses. And of course, the space between lots might as well have not existed.

One of Sims 3′s big changes that was unarguably an improvement was the open world. Your Sim could travel to other lots without a loading screen, because they were both loaded in simultaneously; this also meant you could split your Sims across multiple lots and they’d all be fully controllable. And the space between lots? Now full of various things to do, like finding collectibles. And if you wanna just focus on your lot? Then just... ignore all of that. It’s all completely ignorable if you want to.

But Sims 4? Does something kinda in between how Sims 1/2 did it and how Sims 3 did it... but this time, that’s a bad thing because A) the way Sims 1/2 did it was just inferior, and B) there’s only options to go halfway, not towards either extreme. There’s still space between lots, and you can go to other Sims’ houses instead of just public lots, but you can’t go to another lot without a loading screen, even if that other lot is fully rendered so there’s no real reason WHY it’d need to load anything; this also means that if you split your Sims up between lots, you lose full control over them, and the non-active members of the active household are just given basic commands like “Take care of yourself” and “Raise this skill”. And of course, you can only load, like, a third of the neighborhood at a time; want to go to another part of the neighborhood, and you have to sit through- guess what- a loading screen! And the Sims who don’t come with you are returned to limited control again!

And, like... Sims 4 totally could have done this a so much better way. They had the technology and the ideas to make it work. They just... didn’t. Probably due to a mixture of executive meddling, budget/time constraints, and misunderstanding some of the complaints people had about Sims 3. Sims 4 could have been the ultimate Sims game, but it isn’t, and that’s just... endlessly disappointing. And sure, we can hope for improvements with Sims 5, but like... I feel like we’ll get improvements, but we’ll also get regressions, just like in Sims 4, just because EA is involved and EA is literally the worst.

[actionjaxkol]

Crystal #?? - Interview with Jaxkol

“Alright, Interview... whatever number this is. Trixie Spinwhistle with the Gift of Gob --”

“Wait -- wait so how does this work?”

“I ask you questions and you answer ‘em, babe. S’not rocket surgery.”

“Oh. So what is --”

“Don’t hurt yourself, kid, save the brainpower for the answers.”

BASICS

► Name ➔   “Jaxkol Dawnsedge. Previously Shadowriot. Previously-Previously Shadowfel” ► Are you single ➔ “Nope! Some beautiful weirdo had a terrible lapse in judgement that I am not letting them weasel out of.” ► Are you happy ➔   “I actually don’t remember being this happy before. It’s... nice.” ► Are you angry ➔  “Weirdly, I get angry easier than I used to. Only when people are treating others unfairly though.” ► Are your parents still married ➔   “As far as I know. They’re Nobles, ‘divorce’ isn’t a thing they do. I think my mom has a consort though.”

NINE FACTS

► Birth Place ➔ “Silvermoon City” ► Hair Color ➔ “White blond naturally, the illusion makes it grey-black.” ► Eye Color ➔ “Green naturally, blue with illusion. Sometimes I wonder what color they’d be if they didn’t glow. I’m kinda jealous of humans and dwarves and stuff, their eyes can be all different colors.” “Focus, kid.” ► Birthday ➔ “May nineteenth.” ► Mood ➔ “Restless, anxious, eager but shy. Lonely, but the temporary type. At odds with myself” ► Gender ➔ “I’m a guy, but I’m also an elf and on the small side, so I get mistaken for a girl like, once an month. Not as much in Stormwind though, but it’s happened. It’s amusing.” ► Summer or winter ➔ “I dunno. Living on the streets, both suck, but it was easier to cool down than it was to warm up when you’re skinny. I have a home now, so I’m curious to see what winters are like. ...and now I’m thinking of Pryn as a snow bunny. Yeah I definitely want to see Winter.” ► Morning or afternoon ➔ “Afternoons. That’s when everyone is starting to wind down and relax. But lately I’ve had to get up super early for Argent training and watching the sun rise over the harbor is just... spiritual or somethin’.”

EIGHT THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE

► Are you in love ➔ “I keep... trying to tell myself ‘no’, that I’m being stupid but... yes. I absolutely am.” ► Do you believe in love at first sight ➔ “So, it kinda works opposite for me. If I fancy someone right off the bat, it’s gonna end bad. If my first thought is like ‘who the fuck do you think you are?’ then we’ll probably be friends forever. Or mortal enemies. Like, Noah and I fought when we first met, but we were friends until.... Anyhow. Jiang and I hit it off immediately, but fucker was married. I hated Vyn when we first met, but... I trust him with my life now, he’s my brother. Totegar I was smitten with from the start and he.. Yeah. Let’s not talk about him. I didn’t know what to make of Pryn at first, I thought she was my exact opposite and that we’d be at odds but she’s my best friend. Oh shit, and Izzy! I was fucking scared shitless of him when we met and now he’s my baby brother!” “Yes or no would’a sufficed, kid.” ► Who ended your last relationship ➔ “Totegar was afraid to come to terms with being gay, so he kinda settled for me. I was safe and harmless and non-threatening. When he figured out that sleeping with another guy wouldn’t bring about the next Cataclysm, he dropped me like a bad habit and went after someone better. Like. The very next morning. ...It’s whatever.” ► Have you ever broken someone’s heart ➔  “I wanna say ‘no’ but, I mean, maybe? I know I really hurt Jiang’s wife, Yue, when I told her but... I didn’t know so I couldn’t stop it. I might have broken Red’s heart by telling him no. Over and over and over again. And probably a few more times to come...” ► Are you afraid of commitments ➔ “I’m not afraid to throw myself body and (what’s left of my) soul into things, but I’m terrified that I’m going to let people down...” ► Have you hugged someone within the last week? ➔ “Yeah! I used to be really afraid of contact, anytime anyone touched me it was ya know. Never for good stuff. Vyn started making a point to hug and touch me just in a friendly way. And then I get to the Keg and people aren’t afraid to hug me and it’s.. Nice.” “Man, you are a talker...” “Sorry...” “Nah, this is good.” ► Have you ever had a secret admirer ➔ “I don’t... think so? I’m just amazed I have not-secret admirers.” ► Have you ever broken your own heart? ➔ “Yeah... a lot. Like... daily. Wait is that not normal?” “...No, kid.”

SIX CHOICES

► Love or lust ➔ “Love. I mean, I think you need some lust in a relationship, but you need that love first. Otherwise it’s just... meaningless.” ► Cats or Dogs ➔ “So my sister Jaelys used to have a cat, and she loved that damn thing. In Silvermoon, cats are everywhere, right? But this one used to like, ride on her shoulder and sleep in her lap while she studied. She even got it this pretty collar and like... we didn’t have spending money so I don’t know how she got it. Anyhow, my brother I guess didn’t like it as much, cuz when he was rising into the Fel arts, he used the cat for a ritual. I’ve never seen my sister cry, but... I did see something die in her eyes when he brought her the little body...” “...Kid?” “...Hmm? Oh! ...Dogs. I like dogs.” ► A few best friends or many regular friends ➔ “I get... really attached to people fast. Like, if I’m going to get close to someone at all, I’m in for everything. So... probably a few best friends. But I’m friends with everyone until they give me a reason not to be! Hey, like a dog I guess!” ► Wild night out or romantic night in ➔ “It’s hard to say. I really like going out and getting that energy out, but being alone with someone special, just... watching them do those little, meaningless, private things that make up their secret world... It’s so beautiful I never want to leave it.” ► Day or night ➔ “Day is hot and involves a lot of running. Night.”

FIVE HAVE YOU EVERS

► Been caught sneaking out ➔ “Growing up it never crossed my mind to disobey. If had to leave the apartment for any reason, I got permission from either Mother, or Father or failing that one of my two eldest siblings. Jaelys and I always had to have escorts. When I was living with Vyn for a while, I’d sneak out if... my brain started eating itself, I guess. He always found me though. So. Yes?” ► Fallen down/up the stairs ➔ “Yeah my feet and I don’t always communicate correctly. I’ve tripped over my own shadow.” ► Wanted something/someone so badly it hurt? ➔ “Yes... But it’s this weird, beautiful pain. I like being close to her because when she’s not there, I can’t believe that I have someone so amazing in my life. If I told her that she’s just call me stupid and whack me with her tail though.” ► Wanted to disappear ➔ “...yes... I have disappeared a few times. I can’t... seem to make it stick though. I guess for the best.”

FOUR PREFERENCES

► Smile or eyes ➔ “I like a smile that takes up the entire face. I mean the kind that makes the eyes bright like the stars. I like it when the mouth and the eyes agree with eachother. Izzy has an amazing smile that just lights up everything. Vyn’s is strong, protective, kinda like Ash’s. Jiira’s has secrets. Pryn’s has light that like... changes colors. Vali’s is hard and cold, but there’s fire beneath it. Drex’s is mischief. Kae is fire, white hot or smouldering embers, rarely anything in between. Aida... Aida is made of chocolate and cheesecake and -- oh shit chocolate cheesecake that’s a great idea.” “What about mine?” “...Sharp. Your smile is a blade and your eyes cut through people...” ► Shorter or Taller ➔ “I got a thing for people bigger than me. Which I guess isn’t hard.” ► Intelligence or Attraction ➔  “Humor. I’m not smart, so everyone is more intelligent than me. And I don’t.. really get attracted to people’s outside the same way other people do I guess. I don’t go ‘DAMN that dude has a nice ass, I must pursue him’ it’s more like... ‘your personality is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen, I need to see every angle of it, good or bad’. Fuck, I would probably fall for a blighted murlock if we got along well enough.” ► Hook-up or Relationship ➔ “I’ve done the hookup thing, it doesn’t... it just... makes that void worse. Like drinking saltwater.”

FAMILY

► Do you and your family get along ➔ “No.” “...what that’s it? Kid you’ve rambled on ‘cat versus dog’ and that’s all I get?” “I... failed. I’ll pay for it when my luck runs out, but.. No. Three sisters, two brothers, and my parents - no we don’t get along.” ► Would you say you have a “messed up life” ➔ “I really don’t think so, but I’ve been told otherwise. I think everyone goes through their awful shit, just cuz mine is more colorfully explosive, doesn’t mean it’s any more messed up than anyone elses’.” ► Have you ever ran away from home ➔ “Not before the Incident, and after that, I didn’t exactly have a home to run away from. I ran away from Vyn when I was supposed to be staying with him and got overwhelmed, but I don’t think that’s the same thing.” ► Have you ever gotten kicked out ➔ “Yeah.” “...is that all you’re gonna say on that?” “Yeah.”

FRIENDS

► Do you secretly hate one of your friends ➔ “What?? No that’s fucked up. We might not get along, but I don’t hate anyone.” ► Do you consider all of your friends good friends ➔ “I mean, some are better or closer than others, but I think everyone is exactly how they need to be.” ► Who is your best friend ➔ “Ah shit, hard question. I don’t have just one ‘best’ friend, they’re all amazing in their own ways. Sera is pretty awesome, I love Izzy. Kae is amazing and strong and I envy her. Pryn knows me probably better than Vyn at this point. Aida is adorable...I can’t... really answer this. Though now I’m curious if I’m anyone’s best friend.” ► Who knows everything about you ➔ “Pryn or Vynlluthein.”

(Art by @attractive-zombies Big ole stack of art here. )

Tagging: @attractive-zombies @wests-wow-gang @rouilleandcompany @lemmeaxeyousomething

[psychicwonu-blog]

When Skies are Gray

 A/N: Back at it again, trying out new writing styles. This is a longish one! I vaguely remember seeing something like this on ig a while ago, so I wanted to use that plot(kinda, partially) for this story. Also I’m not a doctor lmao so I apologize if anything is wrong! Anon, I hope this was sad enough for you. Writing this ripped my heart out.

Anon asked: “can i request something angsty/sad af for jisoo of SVT? i don’t really have much of a plot in mind, but i am in the mood to have my heart shattered ;)” honestly shmood

Group: Seventeen

Member: Joshua/Jisoo

Genre: AAAAAAAAAAAngst, non idol!AU

Warnings: Death, sickness, seizures, panic attacks, cursing, mentions of sex, just…sadness man

Rating: M

Word Count: 4.1k

This world isn’t kind. Joshua knew this. He knew that happiness wasn’t constant and that, sooner or later, his life would turn upside down, just as it did for everyone else. This world isn’t fair. He knew this, as well. The kind people, who spend their lives giving, are too often the ones who suffer. Crime goes unpunished, sickness untreated, greed swept under the rug. This world is unjust. 

Joshua saw you for the first time in the library of your college campus. You were both there studying for upcoming exams. He spotted you as soon as he walked in. Seated in the corner of the room, you were reading back and forth through your notes and your laptop. He sat down at a table a few rows ahead of yours, facing you. He took glances at you every now and then, laughing to himself every time he’d look up to see a different expression. The sixth time he’d glanced up, you were fading away behind a bookshelf. Joshua closed his Music History text book and walked in your direction. 

“First the staring, now you’re following me?” you whispered from behind him. Joshua jumped and spun around, facing you with pink cheeks. “Should I be worried?” you teased. 

“I…I-I’m sorry. I just…” he fumbled over his words, pulling at the collar of his shirt. You only laughed at his awkwardness and began walking away. Joshua called out after you, earning himself several glares from fellow students. “What’s your name?” he questioned. 

Spinning around on the heels of your sneakers grinning, you tilted your head to the side. “So you’re not like, some stalker or something?” you asked. He looked at you confused, and followed as you started walking again. “I mean, it’s good if you aren’t. But we take several classes together, Joshua. I’m a little hurt you don’t know my name.”

“I-we…?” he choked. You laughed once again at his awkwardness and sat back down at your table. 

“You can bring your stuff over, if you want.”

He loved you. Wholeheartedly, unconditionally, in every way. There wasn’t a day that went by where he didn’t tell you, either. The feelings Joshua had for you were unbreakable. Love like that isn’t easy to come by. Some say it’s only once in a life time. You meant more than that to him. You weren’t just some lucky one in a million, you were his everything. Joshua knew it was dangerous. To let a person hold your heart in their hands. To let them break you down or open you up. But when it came to you he didn’t care. The good, the bad, he wanted you to see it all. Joshua wanted you to know him. 

And you did. 

The second time Joshua saw you was in your Musical Theater class. You were seated in the back, reading some novel he’d never heard of, seemingly unaware of the events unfolding around you. He smiled, waving at a few of his friends, before sitting in the seat next to yours. 

“Hard to miss now, aren’t I?” you smirked, not looking up from your book. Joshua giggles and holds up a pen. You raise an eyebrow and stare at him. 

“You, uh, let me use this last weekend. At the library.” he says with a small voice. 

“That’s not my pen, Hong.” you state, taking it anyway. He bites his lip and nods, lowering his head. You turn your attention back to your book after saying, “You know, if you want to talk to me you just…can. You don’t need another reason.” to him.

“Okay.” he says, getting up. You scoff at his sudden burst of confidence, but you were unsuccessful in suppressing your grin. He doesn’t speak to you for the rest of the class, but you both steal glances at each other. The few times you caught him looking at you, you’d raise your eyebrows and point to the professor, signaling for him to pay attention. 

 Joshua never expected to let himself fall in this deep. Completely and utterly exposed to you. No walls, no guard, nothing holding him back from you. Of course he didn’t regret it, but if someone were to tell him just two years ago that he’d be head over heels in love at 23 he’d call them crazy. You never expected to fall for him the way you did, either. Hell, the last thing you expected to do in your senior year of college was find the love of your life. You hear stories all the time about college-sweethearts, but you and Joshua were more than that. A lot of times, those love stories end in early divorce because people don’t know each other like they think they do. Or they aren’t ready for commitment. As corny as it may sound, you were it for each other.

You two started hanging around each other more in the classes you shared. He’d sit with you, you’d sit with him. Some days you wouldn’t talk at all, but soon enough your friendship made its way outside of school. Joshua was funny, even when he wasn’t trying. From bad puns to odd expressions, you were always laughing at him for something. 

“What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?”  Joshua asked, almost laughing himself. You already knew the punchline, but seeing his eyes light up and crinkle at the sides made your heart swell. 

“I dunno, what?” you mused.

“Aye, matey!” he said, laughing even before the words left his lips. Truthfully, you’d heard the joke enough to not think it funny anymore, but you laughed anyway. Mostly because Joshua had quite a contagious laugh. 

“You’re awful, Josh. That was awful.”  giggling, you shoved his arm with your shoulder. 

“Get it? I’m 80? Comedic gold!” he exclaimed. You rolled your eyes at him. 

“Jokes aren’t funny when you explain them.” you stated. He ruffled your hair and then pulled your hand into his. Your cheeks went pink as you stared down at your intertwined fingers. You hadn’t even noticed, but you’d been holding your breath. 

“Is this okay?” Joshua asked, looking over at you. Nodding, you smile up at him.

“Yeah. Yeah, I like it. It’s nice.” you say shyly. He gives you a toothy grin and squeezes your hand. That was the first time he held your hand. God, the setting was perfect, too. You were walking, side by side, in Han River Park. You were admiring the moon and city lights reflecting off of the still water. It was supposed to just be like every other time you’d hung out, but that night was different. The way you’d look at each other, the way you spoke. That was the night he asked you out. You’d originally been upset because you wanted to ask him, but the night was perfect. 

It started to rain, lightly, but nonetheless. Joshua cursed under his breath, but you held out your free hand and looked up to the sky. Joshua looked over at you with a confused smile. You felt him staring. 

“What? I love the rain.” you defended yourself. Joshua laughed. 

“We’ll get sick.” he argued. You looked at him and shrugged.  

“We’ll take care of each other. Live a little, Hong.” you teased. He bit his lip and nodded, then reaching out his free hand and looking up to the sky.

Things were almost always perfect with Joshua. And how you’d gotten so lucky to have many more moments like these with him will forever remain a mystery. 

He isn’t confrontational. At least not to the degree that most people are. He doesn’t like conflict, nor did he like arguing with you. Fights in your relationship were rare. You’d usually talk things out in a healthy manner, voices never reaching a yell. But, like in any relationship, fights were inevitable. Joshua was more often than not the one to apologize first. He couldn’t bear to stay mad at you, even if you were the one in the wrong.  

“I don’t know why this is such a big fucking deal to you, Joshua!” you shouted at him, slamming his bedroom door behind you. You stormed through the hallway of his small apartment, heading for the kitchen. Just as you sat down at the table, you heard Joshua’s bedroom door open and close again, followed by heavy footsteps. He walked into the kitchen , rubbing his temples. 

“Y/N, we’ve been together for a year, come next month. Explain to me why it shouldn’t be a ‘big fucking deal’ that you didn’t tell any of your family about us.” he said, calmly. Too calm for your liking. And the fact that he cursed made you even more uneasy. It wasn’t like Joshua.

This fight started over an overheard skype conversation between you and your parents. They had been asking you to come visit, updates with school, if you were seeing anyone. You didn’t give any straight answers. It hurt Joshua that you had never mentioned him to your parents.

“Joshua, my family…you don’t know them.” you explained. He shook his head, laughing in disbelief. 

“And you don’t see a problem with that? I should know them, Y/N. I mean, Christ, you know everything about me. All of my family.” he argued. You stood up, walking over to him. 

“I can’t just tell them. I couldn’t when you asked me out, I couldn’t after a few months, hell, I couldn’t a month ago.” you sighed. “And I can’t tell them now. They wouldn’t understand.” Joshua turned away from you and ran both hands through his hair, tugging at the roots a bit. He then turns back around and throws his hands up in a questioning way. 

“They wouldn’t understand? What would they not understand?” he shouts. You flinch at the volume and tears threaten to spill. You hated these moments. Joshua wasn’t like this. You weren’t like this, either. 

“How I feel about you, Josh. They wouldn’t get it! They’d tell me I’m too young to be this in love.” you yelled, raising your voice to match his. “God, and had I told them the day I fucking realized how I felt…they would’ve just called me foolish.” you finished, with a small voice. You were crying now, and Joshua looked as though he were on the verge of tears too. 

“Why won’t you just open up to me?” he asked, walking closer to you. He grabbed your arms, and started to rub circles into your skin with his thumbs. “Let me in.”

You shake your head, tears falling onto the rug as you look down at your feet. Sighing, you meet his eyes again, letting out a single sob. “Because, I’m not you, Joshua. I’m not…you.”

Walking back to his bedroom, you wipe your cheeks. You resented fighting with him. All you wanted to do was take it all back. And for your parents to not be how they are. Joshua followed you, calling your name a few times. As you  walked up to the bed you grabbed your pillow. Then, walking to the closet, you grabbed a spare blanket. 

“Y/N, what are you doing?” he asks with a sigh. 

“I’m going to sleep. I’m tired.” you respond. His shoulders drop, telling you that it’s only 9, but you ignore him. You walk out of his room, heading for his couch. You were mad enough to not want to sleep in the same room as him, but not mad enough to leave altogether. His couch isn’t exactly comfortable to sleep on, but you couldn’t change your mind now. 

It didn’t take him long to sneak into the living room, laying down on the edge of the sofa and snaking his arms around your waist. He gently kissed your jaw, then your neck, then began apologizing.

“I’m sorry, okay?” he says, reaching a hand up to play with your hair. You relax into his hold and crack. 

“I’m sorry, too. I love you.” you say, turning so that you’re facing him. He smiles at you and kisses your cheeks, then your lips, dragging his hand from your hair down to your hip.  

“Sleep with me.” he requests. Your eyes shoot open and you shake your head.

“Make up sex isn’t healthy, Hong.” you argue, turning away again. He laughs into your hair and holds you closer to him. 

“No, I mean like…come sleep with me in our room.” he explains. ‘Our room” you repeat in your mind. You sit up and kiss his forehead. He stands, and then pulls you off the couch, then pulls you into the room.

“Will you sing me to sleep, Josh?” you ask, though your voice is muffled due to your face being crammed into his chest. He inhales a deep breath and utters an “mm” before running his fingers through your hair. 

“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy, when skies are gray. You’ll never know dear, how much I love you. Please don’t take my sunshine away.” he sings softly. You’re asleep before he can finish the song. Joshua laughs at your squished cheeks and begins drifting off. 

Knowing everything about a person isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. There are some things that should be left unsaid. Secrets that should be kept. Right? Joshua didn’t see it that way, in fact, he was furious you neglected to tell him about your cancer. Any significant other would be. It isn’t usually the type of thing you forget to mention or leave out. He saw some of your emails from a few doctors who were offering you new medication to try. You had your reasons, all of which he didn’t personally understand. But, when you had ended up in the hospital due to shortness of breath, then no breathing at all, Joshua was only terrified. 

“You…you have…” Joshua whispers as you walk into the room. You look up from your phone to see him seated in front of your laptop, tears running down his face. Stopping in your tracks, you squeeze your eyes shut.

“Josh,” you say. “What did you see?”

“You…you have ca-cancer.” he cries. He puts his face in hands to cover his sobs. You break down, too. 

“Joshua I-” you try to apologize but he cuts you off. 

“Why? Why did you not tell me? How could you not tell me? Y/N I…I’m me.” Joshua still had hot tears running down his cheeks, onto his chin. He looked at you, waiting for an answer. You couldn’t find anything to say. “So that’s it? I don’t get an explanation? Nothing?” he says angrily, walking away. 

“Josh, please.” you cry, grabbing his arm. He pulls away from you, telling you not to touch him, and keeps going. You fall into the chair next to you and pull your shirt into your fist at your chest. Your breathing became sporadic, and your lungs felt like they were burning. You began to shake, feeling every beat you heart made, pounding against your chest. You tried your breathing exercises you’d do when you had panic attacks, but they weren’t working. No matter how hard you tried, you couldn’t catch your breath.  

“Josh. Please.” you tried calling out for him between short breaths. He didn’t answer, and it only made you feel more pressure. Soon enough, you lost all control of your body and started to collapse. 

Joshua ran back into the room when he heard you fall. He initially thought you’d started to throw things or…just anything other than what had actually happened. He entered the room, seeing you laying on the floor, shaking on your back. Joshua had no idea what was happening. He couldn’t get you to respond, despite your eyes being open. He called 9-1-1 and explained the best he could. You had stopped shaking by the time the ambulance arrived, but your eyes were still wide open. The EMTs ran into your shared apartment of three months and took you from Joshua. They got your body onto the stretcher and pushed you to the vehicle. 

“Sir, what you explained sounds like a seizure. Can you tell me about their medical history? Do they have epilepsy, any known tumors, anxiety disorders?” one EMT asked Joshua. She looked over at him as she held an oxygen mask up to your face. He looked at your unconscious body and began crying again. “Sir!” she yelled. 

“I…they…they uh…they have th-thyroid cancer…that’s all I…” he said softly. The EMT nodded and began conversing with the other technicians around her. One of the drivers said you’d arrive at the hospital in about 10 more minutes. They went by so slowly for Joshua. Every second he saw you laying there, going in and out of consciousness, with that mask on your face was like torture. He felt like he was to blame. ‘I never should have left them there alone after finding something out like that.’ he thought to himself. All he could do was stare blankly down at the floor of the ambulance.

“They’re crashing!” shouted the EMT who’d been directly by your side the whole ride. Joshua looked up from his hands. 

“What? Crashing? What does that mean?” he questioned as another technician shuffled to the back. 

“Start compressions.” he heard the woman say. Soon everything became background noise as he lost himself in his thoughts. 

Joshua stayed by your side, day and night, neglecting to take care of himself. The one time he did leave, he came back to find three doctors resuscitating you. He didn’t want to be away if another scare like that happened. Your cancer had progressed significantly in the months following the last surgery you had, two years ago. It wasn’t supposed to be like this, that surgery was supposed to buy you time. Save your life. Of course, hardly anything goes as planned, especially when you’re terminally ill. It’s all just a matter of time. 

Your eyes fluttered open slowly, and you winced at the bright light shining through the curtains of the hospital window. Looking around, you saw flowers, get well balloons, and cards scattered on the tables in the room. Joshua was leaning over onto your bed from his chair. His hair was a mess, becoming greasy at the roots. It pained you to see him like this. His head started to move due to your shifting on the bed. 

“Hey,” he said, grabbing your hand. You squeezed his palm and started to cry. “shh, shh baby it’s okay. You’re gonna be okay.” he cooed, trying to calm you. 

“Josh, I’m so sorry, I should’ve…I should’ve told you, but I,” you whined, tears rolling out of your eyes. He shook his head, rubbing your hair and kissing your forehead. 

“It’s okay. You don’t have to explain anything, alright?”

“I didn’t know how.” you explained. He sighed and nodded in an understanding way. Soon after, two doctors came in with worried expressions. Expressions you were all too familiar with. 

“Y/N,” one doctor started. She looked down momentarily, then spoke again. “when we removed a portion of your thyroid, we’d thought we’d caught it all, or at least most of it. I mean it was a miracle that your voice has survived the surgery, and the medications we put you on seemed to be working…” she explained to you. Her eyes were sad. You knew there was bad news to come. You just wanted to get it over with. 

“But?” you asked. Her colleague stepped forward and removed his glasses after looking at your chart. 

“But, the cancer has spread to your chest, lungs, and portions of your throat. Which is why you’ve been having difficulty breathing. This didn’t happen for the first time a few days ago, did it?” he pried. You shook your head and looked down at your hands. Joshua was staring out of the window, steady streams of tears flowing down his cheeks. 

“The masses weren’t showing up. They didn’t seem to even be there…until…” the woman said again. Dr. Park was an excellent surgeon. She had been your doctor since you were diagnosed. As excellent as she was, she always had a difficult time delivering bad news. 

“Until it was too late to save me?” you asked with a blank expression. Joshua broke down, his sobs were the only sound in the otherwise silent room. You didn’t have it in you to cry. You were the one that let it get this far. You could’ve told Joshua. You could’ve come back the moment you noticed things getting worse. You just wanted things to be normal. You wanted a happy, normal life with Joshua.

“Truthfully, Y/N, with the way things look…” the male doctor spoke up again, walking up to your bedside. “There isn’t much we could’ve done either way. We’ll come back and talk about treatment options, okay? We’ll give you two some time.”

“Thank you.” you said, voice cracking. Joshua looked at you for the first time since the doctors had been there. What were you supposed to say to him?

“I’m sorry I walked away from you.” he said, grabbing your hands again. You shook your head. 

“This is not your fault.”

“I know. I know, but I…shouldn’t have left you either way.” he cried. Your heart hurt to see him like this. Crying, broken, all because of you. 

“I’m sorry I didn’t let you know me like I should have.” you apologized, referring back to one of your first serious fights. Joshua shakes his head, smiling a broken smile, and kisses the back of your hand. 

“Oh, I know you.” he said softly. “No matter how hard you fought to keep yourself locked away I always ended up right here, eventually, one way or another.” he whispered, tracing lines over your heart. You couldn’t hold back your tears. They spilled out uncontrollably, sob after sob leaving your throat, burning from the rawness.

“Shh, Y/N, it’s okay. Shh.” he cooed, trying to calm you down. It wasn’t helping so Joshua sang to you. 

“You are my sunshine,” he started. Your breathing slowed.

“my only sunshine.” the familiar tune eased your heart.

“You make me happy,” he sang.

“when skies are gray.” you began to hum along with him, hoping to ease the burning in your chest. 

“You’ll never know dear, how much I love you.” he sang softly. Your heart was at ease, but your body had plans of it’s own. You started to seize again, and not knowing what to do, Joshua tried to hold you tighter to steady your body. 

“Please don’t take…my sun…shine away” he sang through his tears. Two nurses came rushing in as he finished the chorus. One of them pressed a button on the wall behind your bed and shouted “Code Blue!” as they began trying to resuscitate. All Joshua could hear was a continuous sound that pierced his heart. The nurses were trying to get him to leave the room, but his body felt stuck. As soon as he was out of the room, he watched from the window was the doctors and nurses tried to bring you back. 

Life without Y/N. After Joshua met you in the library of your college campus, he never thought he’d have to think of what that’d be like. He thought he’d grow old with you after he’d gotten to know you. Things were perfect between you. Even when you fought. It’s like he couldn’t stand to be away from you, especially when you were angry. And, of course, you’d felt the same way about him. You were it, as was he. More then just some lucky one in a million, more than young love. 

Joshua never prepared for this. He didn’t know how, he didn’t know he’d ever have to. It never crossed his mind until that day you collapsed, but even then he didn’t have time. It felt like everything around him was moving at warp speed, but his body was stuck in slow motion. 

This world isn’t kind. Joshua knew this. He knew that happiness wasn’t constant and that, sooner or later, his life would turn upside down, just as it did for everyone else. This world isn’t fair. He knew this, as well. The kind people, who spend their lives giving, are too often the ones who suffer. Crime goes unpunished, sickness untreated, greed swept under the rug. This world is unjust. 

He believes in the afterlife. He believes, deep down, that you’re still with him, and that you always will be until he meets you again. But being sat at your grave, changing the flowers every so often, he finds himself cursing his God. Resenting Him for taking the one thing he was sure about. You didn’t deserve this life. You were kind. The type of person who always put themselves last. Joshua didn’t know how to understand why this happened. But truthfully, does anyone? 

When the sky darkens and rain starts to fall, tears form in his eyes. His breathing becomes steady and he holds out one hand, looking up at the sky.

“Y/N.”

[hamonsurveysoverdrive]

Ornery

Can you say you are fully happy right now? No, but I'm in a decent place. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? I have no idea. Is there someone who stopped talking to you for no reason? Sure. Did you ever get called horrible names like (whore, skank, bitch)? Yepp. Where did you sleep last night? The couch lol Ever slow danced with anyone? Yes Ever cried in public? Yes Ever feel safe in someones arms? Yepp What would you do if you were pregnant? Freak out, and figure out how to afford an abortion lol Are you afraid of letting anyone in? No. Do you like cuddling? Sometimes. Ever cry in school? Sure. Who is the last person to send you a message on facebook? Krystle and Kelsi. Do you look decent when you wake up? Rarely. Have you ever been given roses? Yes. Had a long distance relationship? Nope. Does it bother you when people never answer their cell phones? Sure. Do you care what happens in politics/your government? Of course. Ever been called babe/baby? Yepp. Have you ever witnessed someone else engaging in a sexual act (not necessarily sex)? Yepp. Where did you get drunk last? At the T, in 2017 What’s your relationship with the last person you texted? She's my mother. If someone went through your pictures, would they find a dirty one? Yes. Do you want to see anyone right now? Sure. Have you ever fell asleep in someone’s arms? Yepp. How long does it take for you to fall asleep at night? Not long. How many pillows are on your bed Two. When’s the last time you cried? Idk. Is it cute when a guy buys you flowers? Yes. Will things change in the next month? Doubt it. How did you do on the last test you took? I got a 100. Have you ever wanted to tell someone something but didn’t? Sure. Are you afraid to grow up? I'm 32. Are you busy tomorrow? Not especially. How long have you had the shirt you’re wearing? Mm, like 8 months maybe? Do you give out second chances way too easily? Yes. Has anyone told you that you’re amazing? Sure. How many black shirts do you own? Uhm, a bajillion. Do you think you will be in a relationship three months from now? I better be lol How come you’re not going out with the person you like? I am, though. When you feel cold does eating warm food help you feel warm? Yes. Do you want to diet? I mean, I'd like healthier eating habits, buuuuut Are you a patient person? lol No. Are you unsure about your feelings for someone? No. Who did you last hang out with? Krystle, Marshal, and Drew. Would you take $40,000 or a brand new car? $40,000, because I could still get a car and have money left over. What song are you currently listening to? Nothing. Are you happy with your relationship? Yessss. Who was the last person to smoke something other than a cigarette or weed in front of you? Uhm, well I don't know any meth heads or crackheads, so none??? Does anything on your body hurt? My neck is a little sore. If the last person you kissed were calling you right now, would you answer? Yes. In the run of a week, how many times do you straighten your hair? Like, zero. Are you mad at someone right now? Nope. Last thing someone gave you? A ride lol Who woke you up this morning? My alarm clock. Who is your favorite family member on your mom’s side? Only Daylin. What do you do in your spare time? Smoke cigarettes, play games, read, hang out with friends. Who was the last person you were under a blanket with? Justin. Where is the last person you kissed? Either at home getting ready, or at work already. What was the last thing you ate? Chicken strips with guacamole salsa. Which of your friends is the most likely to get pregnant right now? My friend Laurissa is pregnant. Do you remember the meanest thing the last person you kissed ever said to you? Yes. What does your last outgoing text say? "Okay." Have you ever been called prince/ princess? Maybe jokingly. Waiting for something? A million dollars to fall from the sky, into my lap. Have you kissed anyone when you’re single? Uh, yeah. What are you doing this weekend? I don't think I have anything planned, except Christmas shopping. Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette? Not happily, but yes. Have you ever kissed someone who was in a relationship? Yes. Where is your biological father right now? At work. Where is the biggest scar on your body? The top of my head. How late did you stay up last night? Like, 1? Have you had your birthday this year yet? Yepp. Exactly a month ago. You had to kiss the last person you texted, would you? No, that's still my mother. What would you call your body type? Curvy. Are you a morning person? Noooooo. Have you ever been to Target? Chyeah. Do you like iced coffee? Sometimes. When is the next time you’ll be at work? Dunno. Has anyone ever hacked your accounts before? Yes. Could you ever be friends with someone that broke your heart? No. Ever made a prank phone call? When I was a kid. Does your mom vacuum early in the morning, when you’re sleeping? I don't live with my mom. Have you ever been in a car accident? Yes. Have you ever been in a fist fight with someone? Yes. Have you ever seriously hurt anyone by mistake? Not seriously, but I gave a guy a bloody nose on accident. Have you ever had stitches? Yes. And staples. Name a time when you had to be strong. All the time. Have you ever dealt with a divorce or parents fighting or any kind of abuse at home? I mean, my parents are divorced but I was an adult and it didn't really affect me. Have you ever lost someone close to death? if so, how many? Yes. Enough. Have you ever had any volunteer jobs? Yes. Have you gone through a lot emotionally growing up? Yepp. Has a boy/girl ever cheated on their boyfriend/girlfriend for you? Yepp. Do you want to see someone this very minute? I don't need to, but I wouldn't be upset if they showed up. Are you happy with the way things are going? Mostly. Are you a forgiving person? Too much so. Do you have to check in with your parents before you go someplace? No. Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to? Yepp. Describe how you feel about your life in the past month using one word: Exhausting. Would you like to go back and change any part of your life? Maybe. When will your next kiss be? Next time I see Justin. Last person you saw other than your family? Krystle. Will tomorrow be better than today? Today hasn't been too bad. Are you feeling guilty about anything right now? Not especially. What’s going through your mind right now? How fucking tired I am and how much I want a cigarette. When’s the last time you had fast food? This past weekend. Do you believe that there’s good in everybody? No. Is it okay if you kiss people when you’re single? Of course? When was the last time you saw someone attractive? Monday. What was the first thing you did when you woke up? Turned off my alarm. Think back eight months ago, were you single? Yes. What do you carry with you at all times? My wallet, purse, phone, keys. Are you okay with the life you live? Some aspects. Do you have a Tattoo? I have ten. What other piercings would you get other than the ones you already have? I've been thinking about getting my lip done. Did your last kiss take place on a bed? No, a garage. Have you ever been to Disney World? Yes, twice. If so, how many times have you been? ...Twice. Does grammar and capitalization mean anything to you? Yes. Are you good at wrapping gifts for others? Yes. Do you have a dirty clothes hamper in your room? Yes. Do you enjoy big holiday dinners? Yes. Is your vision good? Not at all. Is your present hair color, natural? Yepp. What was the last thing you ordered online? Another present for the kiddos. Have you ever worn color contacts? No. If you have a significant other, how long have you been together? Basically three years. Where are your parents as of now? Mom is probably at her house, Dad is at work. Do you follow a certain religion? Nope. Do you have any family members who live out of town? Yepp. Do you consider yourself short? No. What room are you in? The dining room. Do you listen to any country music? Only if it's Dolly Parton, Loretta Lynn, or Shania Twain. Do you ever watch Lifetime? No. Would ever consider having children in the future? Not more than I already have. Have you ever lived on a farm? God no. Do both of your parents have jobs? Yes. If you had the chance to move to a completely different state, would you? Depends. What is something you’ve always wanted a boy to do for you? Nothing. What do you wish you had more knowledge about? Everything. What food are you craving right now? Sleep? How old were you when you stopped believing in Santa? Like 10. How many times have you kissed the last person you kissed? A shit ton. Do you have a friend you can tell stuff to and you’re sure they won’t tell? No. Would you ever get someone’s name tattooed on you? I'd rather not. Does your family have family picnics? We have one every year at our family's cemetary. If your doctor said you were pregnant, what would you say? "SCHEDULE AN ABORTION NOW."

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #478

“i get pretty just to fuck my face up”

If you were dying who would you say goodbye to first out of everyone? My mom. Are you someone who actually likes to babysit children? NO. Do you find any of your friends’ parents creepy or really mean? No. Do you have things on your mind right now? My weight is very, very much on my mind. I dared to weigh myself yesterday and I'm the heaviest I've ever been. So that's comforting. Are you at all stressed right now? ^^^^^^^ hunny I wanna pull all my hair out What was the last stuffed animal you bought? I don't know. What’s the last new good song that you discovered? "The Devil's Rejects" by Rob Zombie. I've been really into him lately. Felicity, Fiona, or Flavia? (with the “v” pronounced like a “w”–it’s Latin) "Felicity" is beautiful. I love the word in general. Which biblical name do you prefer: Naomi, Esther, Rachel, or Joanna? I love the name Naomi. Do you own a cowboy hat? No. Have you ever unfriended a sibling on social media? No; she unfriended me. Has someone let you down recently? My goddamn self. What are you looking forward to? Mom to get better so we can force ourselves back into the gym. Also Girt's mom to get better so we can see each other. For the weather to actually feel fall-ish. What’s your favorite Lady Gaga song? "Bad Romance." Skeletons or scarecrows? Skelly boiz What type of tree is the most common where you live? Oh, absolutely pine trees. Where did your last kiss take place? My living room. Name of your pet? Venus and Roman. How was your summer? Shitty. I hate summer. Do you miss anyone right now? I really miss Girt. Covid's gotta go. What size is your shirt? *feral hissing noises* Who was the last person you held hands with? Girt. Do you get out of bed on the left side or right side? Left, because I sleep mostly to the left. Do you like to be closer or farther back to the wheel when driving? Neither, I think? I haven't driven in so long that I'm not sure, but I'm quite sure I position myself pretty ideally. When eating dinner, do you eat foods in order or just inhale it? It's usually kind of in order, but occasionally I'll mix it up. When you lose your phone, where is the first general place you look? My bed. Do you fall asleep with your mouth open or closed? Usually closed. I tend to breathe through my nose unless I'm stuffy. What was the last bug you killed? An ant. Do you keep items in your front or back pants’ pocket? Front. What was the last item or location you cleaned? My glasses. Do you own a pet spider? No, but I REALLY want a number of tarantulas. :( The more time that passes, the more I want some, ha ha. I'd also love a jumping spider or two, but Mom won't allow even that. Have you ever gone on a cruise? No. Is there a rocking chair in your house? No. Have you ever been stood up? No. Do you like elevators or escalators? I'm scared of both. I'm afraid of getting stuck in an elevator, or falling down an escalator/tripping on one. Which do you prefer: M&M’s, Skittles, or Reese’s Pieces? Reese's Pieces, yum. If you could be the sidekick of a superhero which superhero would you pick? Uhhhh maybe Spider-Man, if I could web-sling too? lol Where on your body would you never get a tattoo? ... Can/do people get genitalia tattoos? Because I would fuckin never- Do you think that you could ever win a food eating contest? Hell no. I would puke. Honestly, have you ever thrown garbage out of the window of a car? Absolutely not. Never. What is the first song that comes to mind when I say: Michael Jackson? "Billie Jean." Which would you find more menacing: dinosaurs or dragons? Dragons are just dinos that can fly and breathe fire, so... you tell me which is more dangerous. I'd still try to befriend one tho lmao. Can you say “hello” in another language? Yeah; German is easy. It's just "hallo." Do you like licorice? NO omg Did anybody ever read bedtime stories to you when you were younger? Mom did. Do you have a favorite Johnny Depp movie? What is it? I really like his roles in Alice in Wonderland and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Were you ever force-fed as a child? My parents tried to enforce always finishing our plates. My mom is very against that now, considering the issues it can cause. Should kidneys or other organs be able to be bought and sold? No????? That's some black market bullshit for a reason. What is one of your most important rules when going on a date? Especially if it's your first date with a person, watch for red flags. Will children today have better or worse lives than their parents, and why? Well, it'll probably go in both ways depending on the topic. The environment is dying, the economy is horrific, but I'm sure there will be things like medical advancements. What's the most ironic thing you've seen happen? I dunno. Would you rather go ice skating or roller skating? Roller skating. The blades on ice skates scare me. How many different types of guns have you shot? (water, Nerf, real, etc) Uhhh just water and Nerf, I think? Which of the three meals a day are you most likely to skip? It's very unlikely you'll see me miss a meal... I don't handle the feeling of hunger well. What's something lots of people are afraid of, but you aren't? Snakes, some spiders, I don't THINK I'm scared of deep water, the dark... Do you know anyone who is tolerant of some on the LGBT spectrum but not all? Yes. Do open casket wakes freak you out? I've only been to one, as a child, when I didn't have a full grasp on death, so it was... oddly more fascinating to me, as weird as that sounds? I think going to one now, especially if it was someone close to me, it would make the wake more upsetting. When's the last time you slept in your parents' bed? No clue. What's something that will always be in fashion? Skinny jeans, checkered Vans... What "old person things" do you do? I regularly say "back in the day," lol. And I can go to sleep very early, like 7, but that's uncommon. I complain about soreness in my back and stuff. Do you live in the same hometown as where you were born? No. Did you dorm at college or commute from home? I commuted from home. Do you prefer the thin blue and white masks, or decorative ones? Well, who wouldn't prefer decorative ones? They're more personal to your interests and stuff and I feel is more encouraging to make people wear them. I however don't want to spend money on a mask, so I'm chill with just the blue surgical ones. Have you ever witnessed someone have a seizure before? My dog, yes. Have you ever rode on the back of a shopping cart, or a Home Depot dolly? Yeah, as a kid. Does everything you buy have to be organic? No. I don't buy the groceries, but I also don't care much about that. Do you support more small businesses or chain restaurants/stores? Habitually, chain ones. I wish I paid more attention to small businesses. Have you ever been crowned king or queen at a school dance? No. How old were you when you first started wearing a bra? Am I supposed to remember that? Are you more invested in computer games or video games? I don't care what the game is on; I can be equally invested in either. I prefer to play console games, though. Are you a fan of pumpkin spice everything? Noooo. I'm not a massive fan of it, actually. Is there any holiday that you don't decorate your house for? We only really decorate for occasionally Halloween and always Christmas. Mom may put up some Thanksgiving stuff. Tell me something your parents don't know about. They don't know certain places I've done sexual things at/on. What's the last table food you fed your pet? Roman doesn't get human food. He learned at a young age that's a no-no. Have you ever peed in the water at the beach? Ew, no. Even if it's incredibly vast, people still swim in that. Have you ever scored a winning goal for a team you played for? I doubt it. Have you ever participated in LARPing? No. Have you ever gotten a divorce? Never been married. Do you prefer "regular kissing" or French kissing? I mean that depends on the place and the mood. Are you more likely to give a hickey to someone else or get one? I haven't done that in many years, and when it happened, I don't think one of us did it more than the other. Do you like sprinkles on your ice cream? I HATE sprinkles. Have you been in more car accidents as a passenger or a driver? I've only ever been in an accident as a passenger. Have you ever been wrongfully convicted of a crime? No. Was any of the cafeteria food at your school actually any good? I actually didn't mind a good number of things. Have you ever wanted to become a lifeguard? No. What's the highest fever you've ever had? I'm unsure, but over 100. Have you ever kissed a dog on the mouth? Well, dogs have kissed ME on the mouth. al;sdkfjalksdjkf so gross When you were born was the umbilical cord wrapped around your neck? Uh, I don't believe so. I feel like I would know that if I was. Would you enter a burning building to save a kitten? I feel like I would, I think. My intense love of animals would probably force me to kick into action. Matthew, Mark, Luke, or John? Haaaa, I have a bias for "Mark," of course... but if we're talking which name I find most appealing, it's probably John. Or Luke. Have you ever been told that you talk too much? As a child, yes. Do you like to clean? Does ANYBODY enjoy it? Do you know of anyone who went into labor at the baby shower? Uh yikes. No. When's the last time you did a hand game with someone? (ie: Mary Mack) Probably not since I was little. Do you know anyone who was not born in a hospital, unexpectedly? No. Does anyone you know have dual citizenship to live in multiple countries? Possibly? Do you still have a landline phone/phone number? No. Name a fad that was popular when you were growing up, that you miss. Oh, I KNOW there's some things, but I don't recall right now. Have you ever gotten to milk a cow or a goat? No. I'm not sure I'd want to.