#never trust a dnd player when they tell you Yeah Definitely I Have The Time bc then the whole group will disintegrate

[avvidstarion]

I miss slumbering dawwwwnnnnn it was gonna be so gooooood

[jawsandbones]

if i remember correctly you run some campaigns for dnd, i’ve been trying to dm a campaign for a few years and i’ve finally found a group. do you have any advice for new dms?

Hello anon! I do indeed run some campaigns. 

I’m currently running my second major campaign. I will fully admit that the first campaign I ran was basically my first experience with DnD and it was 100% a shit show BUT I learned a lot, and now you get to benefit from my blunders!

There’s a lot involved in preparation for a campaign or even a session, but these things are so personalized to the style of each DM. I, personally, like to be overly prepared and took a few months to really brick up lore and details of NPC’s, cities, environments, major homebrew elements, potential story beats, etc etc... I will say that if this is your first experience DM’ing, I recommend staying away from homebrew. I really regret not starting with a pre-made module as they give a lot of great advice and show different aspects to quests and checks. But again, that’s just opinion so I’ll stay away from the prep aspect aside from one golden rule: as the DM you are not the sole arbiter of the story. 

You’re building that with your players. This isn’t a book and you must bend to your players character’s decisions, even if it goes entirely where you don’t expect. This is a team game that definitely includes the DM. So with that said: that respect goes both ways. Talk to your players, and they’ll talk to you. Respect their character decisions, they’ll trust and respect your story decisions. If a DM is doing their job correctly, all of this is pretty moot, because if your players have the correct resources, hooks and information, chances are they’re going to do what you expect/want anyway. It’s just up to the DM to give them those correct resources, hooks and information. If there’s a disconnect, it’s because that was broken along the way. 

All that being said! Here is my list that I keep stickied to my monitor

The players never miss. Failure needs active opposition, be in combat, during dialogue or a check. Even from level one, player characters are absolute badasses compared to the rest of the population. It sucks when the game doesn’t reflect that. So instead of “lol you miss”, what happens if that becomes, “the bandit is just barely able to block your blow, gasping as they reel backwards out your reach - for now”? Feels a lot better.

Along those lines, if your players are adding combat flavor to their attack rolls, don’t punish them for participating and make them do checks for it. Not everything needs a roll. Let them be cool. 

Answer “will this work” from the perspective of the character asking. This could go for anything a player asks. Try and answer in a way their character would understand. Someone from the cold regions of the north and someone from the swampy regions of the south will have differing thoughts/opinions/knowledge of things. PC’s live in the world. Put their lived experience into their rolls.

Insight also follows this. Insight shouldn’t just be, “he’s telling the truth” or “he’s lying”. If the particularly perceptive bard who is the charismatic face of the party is doing an insight check, they might pick up the twitch of an eye, the sweat on a brow. If the distracted monk holding the party’s adopted kenku is asking the question, they might not notice these things. 

Let your players talk and interact. Don’t be in a hurry to move things along if the party is bonding or looking into things. This doesn’t mean let them linger forever - if you find things have stalled, then of course a “so, what would you like to do now,” never hurts. I mean in the way of interjecting to participate. A DM is a part of the group but isn’t, yeah?

The less you share/hint to your players the better. Don’t let them know what they got or what they missed. What they have is what they have. Sometimes it’s fun to let them know of a potential thing that could have happened, but generally... don’t be an active participant in those conversations. Essentially, with your players, be ‘excited for Vague Future Stuff and Things’ (literally I just copy paste that into the chat when I’m planning out stuff and can’t repress the need to blurt out excitement), not next session’s x event. 

The internet is your friend. There are so many resources, everywhere you look. I am particularly fond of the subreddits /r/DnDBehindTheScreen and /r/DMAcademy. Don’t be afraid to pull inspiration from your favourite media as well - bring the The Trouble with Tribbles to your adventuring crew, you won’t regret it. You’re going to burn yourself out fast trying to out-do yourself as well, and there are a lot of pre-made drop-in adventures. This is a patchwork quilt you are making with your friends, go fucking wild. 

A list of my favourite resources!

Treasure Generator

NPC/Merchant Generator

Town Generator (seriously this one is god-like)

All Shops and Items (base things)

Random Generator and D100 lists (this one also fantastic)

Besides that: take good notes, communicate openly with your players, discuss sessions after they’ve concluded to find what worked and what didn’t for everyone. Don’t be afraid to say no. A lot of other things, it’s just going to take time and experience.

Good luck, have fun, roll well!

[creacherkeeper]

How is the cowboi doing? :) I’d love to hear about some of their recent adventures.

OH WELL IT'S ME + ALSO MY DICE HATE(/love) ME SO YOU KNOW THEYRE GETTING WHUMPED CONSTANTLY LMAO

there have certainly been some Events Unfolding so those are under the cut, casey since youre in our campaign now NO PEEKING

fair warning this is .... long ..... you have asked me to talk about my dnd character and you simply CANNOT stop the floodwaters now. enter at your own risk

okay so basically the first arc of the campaign kind of kicked off with them getting a vision from their goddess (the grain goddess/goddess of agriculture) saying that she was trapped in a fey gate and that they needed to come rescue her

so erley immediately Rallied The Posse and set off to do that. they NUMEROUS times tried to pray to her, commune with her, basically just get ANY sort of communication or guidance from her, but the dice like to tell their story so i literally never got above an 11 (paladin with only +2 to religion my beloved) and they never heard from her, which was making them. pretty nervous. when it seemed like everyone else was able to talk to their gods just fine

well we eventually figured out that there was a huge gathering of fey in the woods (me: this might be too big for us to fight. what if its like 30 fey? / my dm, glancing at his notes where he has 2000 fey written down: (: ) and basically the fey like. had captured and were trying to kill what was left of the pantheon so they could bring back gaia as the One True God

we found all this out because it turned out several members of the party had been lying about how much they knew of the fey and had personal connections to the fey they'd kept hidden. and erley, who is ALSO HIDING A LOT from the party like. immediately went on the offense and was just generally very unhappy about this

there had been this fey merchant who kept popping up wherever we were trying to sell us magic weapons that seemed tied to us specifically. erley was always VERY suspicious of her and did everything in their power to stop the others from buying her weapons (which we literally had to buy with -5 to a skill point, not money, v sus) to mixed results. but basically when we got to the fey gathering (we called it gaiapalooza) erley rolled a 1 on their survival check to get through the magic field and like. got teleported to her. and they really wanted information from her so they basically were like LEORA I DONT KNOW WHO TO TRUST I THINK MY PARTY HAS BEEN LYING TO ME, CAN YOU TELL ME ANYTHING ABOUT THEM CAN YOU SEE US WHEN YOURE NOT THERE? and basically pretended to need a therapy session in order to milk her for information lmao. she also seemed like. REALLY interested in erley and i was also very nervous about that

and i was RIGHT to be suspicious of her because we found out she WAS ACTUALLY THE BIG BAD and we had to fight her in the arc finale. and several of our party members had rl stuff and were not there, and in game our druid was away casting an 8 hour long spell to try and stop the palooza ceremony, so our party was SUPER nerfed and also as soon as erley realized it WAS actually leora who was behind all of it and she WAS trying to hurt them with those weapons (the weapons were tethers to the gods to be able to kill them basically), they got .... a little angry

and my party found out after irl a year of playing these characters that erley's first level is barbarian :))

so erley raged and did frankly a staggering amount of damage in this fight, and also only stayed up because of rage because they took a LOT of hits. but also. they dont rage FOR A REASON so it sort of took them over and when leora dropped, one of the other pcs ran over to stabilize her as she was making death saves and erley :) maybe :) drove a spear through her heart and killed her :)

and her body immediately just like. overgrew with plants and vines and flowers and basically wrapped the spear in a bed of plants and it was very cinematic and cool

(we have since found out that leora was like. actually an aspect of gaia so. that is. interesting)

of course then erley popped out of rage and was like FUCK this is why i dont do this, i went too far, it always goes too far, THIS is why im ashamed of this, and just got very emo boi about it. so they used their last spell slot to cast restoration on the space they had fought in and reached out to their goddess, having just saved her and the rest of the pantheon like she had asked them to

and i rolled a nat 1!!!

(the dm was like "you have committed this violent act, you feel so low and so bad and in need of guidance, and reach out to your goddess. and the absolute lack of a response just makes you feel empty inside" and i was like :) oh :) okay cool :) you love to see that with your paladins huh)

at this point the druid came back in and, instead of erley like. examining any of their own shit immediately lashed out at her and was like "why did you lie to me about the fey, why did you lie about why you were here, why ARE you here because i realize now it wasnt to help me"

and at that point ONE OF THE FEY QUEENS WALKED IN and the druid was like "... mother ..." and we were all :O

so it turns out the fey queen is her birth mom but had like? kidnapped one of the children of her firbolg tribe and was holding her hostage and the druid was on a quest to find her and bring her back

so erley :) felt :) even more bad about that :) and very shamedly pledged their help to her, and basically was like "as long as youre on this noble quest i will follow you if you'll have me"

so we're on our second arc now, which is traveling across the country to go meet the fey queen and get this kid back. as we were traveling my dm had me roll religion and a luck check and i got a 21 ON RELIGION FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER and a 6 luck. and he was like "you dont usually dream, but you have a nightmare. you know this nightmare was given to you, it was divinely inspired, but you dont know who sent it" and it was just erley killing leora over and over and over again. so they were like. well fuck

(my dm also messaged me privately and we talked and he was like. yeah you can get rid of your oath of devotion and change it to oath of the ancients, i am not telling you or erley why the subclass has changed and you also might get nerfed later. also level up barbarian for the next fight)

so erley was. feeling PRETTY DANG BAD and very guilty and stressed and all that. they did also realize their barbarian side was getting stronger which, considering their backstory is all tragic barbarian shit they were NOT happy about. i was fully prepared to have them be more ostracized from the party and go into full angst mode, but then the druid actually like. pulled them aside and explained why she had hidden information from them, and had a very sweet conversation with them and held their hand and it was VERY touching (she also had the baller line "you think your goddess can hear you and she's not answering. but maybe you're talking in a whisper and she needs to hear you scream")

we had another fight (we're level 7 and my dm told us after it was a cr 32 fight like. dude??? what the fuck?????) and once again erley didnt go down only because of rage

THEY ALSO UNINTENTIONALLY CAST MISTY STEP (which is an ancients spell they didnt have before) and were like WELL NO TIME TO UNPACK WHAT THAT WAS RIGHT NOW, HAVE TO NOT DIE

after the battle was over i asked to roll a check to figure out why i had access to that spell and got :) yeah you guessed it :) another nat 1 :) so erley has literally no idea how they cast that or what it could mean. we just had a new pc introduced who is a sorcerer so erley is definitely going to talk to her and see if she knows anything. because they are FULLY IN THE DARK about their subclass change or what that means in game

we're also (because of the fucking cr 32 fight) going to be leveling up again soon, and babey you KNOW im leveling barbarian. after rage kept me up and then rolling another nat 1 religion check, and also me the player not knowing whats up with their goddess/magic, i simply cant level paladin rn. so im BETWEEN A FEW SUBCLASS OPTIONS and ive been thinking them over but i think it really depends how the next few games go

my FULL ANGST option was to make them level into zealot barbarian like their awful dad, but i thought that made the least sense in universe rn

secondary angst option is to level into berserker, which i think fits pretty closely with how i've been roleplaying the rage so far. trading off an extra attack for a level of exhaustion fits pretty closely. also whump central

the NICE option is to have them be a totem warrior barbarian, and have both their paladin steed and their totem be a bull :) (they are a cowboi after all) i think thats the closest i can marry their two classes and potentially have some healthy growth for them, let them see that the rage doesnt HAVE to be a bad thing, that being a barbarian isnt something they HAVE to be ashamed of. reskinning the bear totem would give them resistance to all damage but psychic while raging, and im planning on taking the tough feat, so theyd pretty much be ... an unstoppable tank. plus i can still divine smite while in rage so theyd be VERY powerful

and now youre all caught up on my very special boi :))))) bet you didnt expect quite that much of an infodump but. listen. listen im simply obsessed with dnd i cannot help it. any chance to talk about my characters i WILL TAKE IN A HEARTBEAT (thank u for prompting my ramble lmao)

[dasozelotvonnebenan]

— OC QUESTIONS

everything for lorna so a lot of stuff

BASICS

1. What’s their full name?

Lorna Astriddottir.

2. What does their name mean? Why were they named that?

Her name doesn’t mean anything special. Just Lorna the daughter of Astrid. Regular norn stuff.

3. Do they have any nicknames?

Lorna von Kodash when she wants to sound a little more epic. She made that name up when she was a kid and didn’t even know where or what Kodash was. She read it somewhere and thought “well that sounds cool”

4. How old are they?

28 or so

5. When’s their birthday?

somewhere in winter, close after wintersday. She says she gets less presents because of that

6.What’s their zodiac sign/element/birthstone/etc.? Do they believe that holds any significance?

I don’t know much about that, so I’m gonna extend that to her and say she doesn’t really think about it.

7. What’s their species/subspecies? Do they have any special/magical abilities?

She’s a Norn, coming from a long line of Owl shamans. She thinks that is why she can’t transform, but its a little more complicated.

8. What “class” do they belong to (for fantasy characters)? If none, what weapon do they favor?

She’s a necromancer, mostly fighting with a big ass greatsword. And when I say bigass I mean it. The sword as a whole is about as tall as she is, so the blade is about 3 m long.

APPEARANCE

1. What do they look like?

Note how big that sword is? Lorna is 3 and a half metres tall (that’s 11′5′’). I hc norn to be taller than they are in game so they are a little more like giants so she isn’t astronomically taller than everyone but she is still very tall for a norn. She’s also buff as hell. She will stomp you and spit in your eyeeeeee.

have a screen

2. Do they have a face claim?

no. though I think her face ingame is pretty accurate

3. What’s their style like? Clothes, hair, makeup?

She makes a point of casually wearing plate armor to show how strong she is. The rest of the time she wears her robes from the necromancy academy. Her hair is most often braided back, though she changes the pattern often. Makeup wise... excentric and playing off her tatoos.

4. How do they carry themselves? What’s their default expression?

Lorna knows she is intimidating and she revels in the feeling. She’ll stand to her tallest, look expressionless into your eyes and watch you melt into a scared puddle under her gaze.

With friends she is a lot more relaxed though and actually laughs a lot. She still doesn’t smile much though.

5. Do they have any physical ailments or disabilities?

She sometimes accidentally turnes swearing into harmfull magic, but that’s mostly under controll now.

PERSONALITY

1.What’s their alignment?

Chaotic Good

2. Which one of the 16 Personality Types do they fit into?

No clue about those

3. What are their hobbies and interests? Do they have any particular “favorites” (food, books, and so on)?

She does enjoy hunting, usually with daggers becaues if she uses her swords it’s an unfair fight for the boar. She plays DnD with her cousins when she is staying with them and is an excellent kegbrawl player. She does read sometimes, mostly bad romance novels. The more predictable the better.

4. What are they bad at?

Cooking that is more complicated that holding something over fire. She has in her life not once produced a meal that was properly seasoned and is not allowed near the salt box.

5. What kind of things do they dislike/hate?

Jokes about her height.

6. Do they have any vices/addictions/mental illnesses?

nope

7. What are their goals and motivations?

She wants to get into complete controll of her magic swearing, but other than that she doesn’t have any big goals in life.

8. What are their manners like? Any habits?

Theoretically she knows how to act well mannered. However she elects to be obnoxious because she knows people are too afraid to tell her off.

9. What are they most afraid of?

Being alone. As much as she plays the untouchable loner she values her friends greatly.

BACKGROUND

1. Where were they born? What was their childhood like?

Lorna was born in Hoelbrak, where her parents lived most of year. Her parents died when she was very little though, and she was raised by her uncles. She spent a lot of time with the Akis and Dak’s sisters.

2. What’s their family like?

Her parents were owl devotees, by tradition from her mothers side, and her father kind of picked it up because of her mother. They were very caring until they died. Her aunts and uncles are a wild bunch. The Akis are sibling grade cousins and obviously very nice people to be around.

3. What factions or organizations are they a part of? What ranks and titles do they hold?

She’s a Scientica at the Thule Academy of Thanatology (My dad’s necromancer school rp guild) which means she is in the third semester.

In the Family Kegbrawl Team she plays as a brawler and has 14 year streak in getting the highest points for a single player.

4. How do they fit into their “story”?

Most of her personality developed through and around the academy rp. Her magic swearing for example was introduced as a reason why she would want to go there in the first place. Now that the guild isn’t active anymore she is part of my wholesome group of Akis and friends for when I want to think about happy people being happy.

5. Where do they currently live? What’s their place like?

Lorna doesn’t have a place of her own. She mostly stays with the Akis in their homestead or stays at the hunters lodge in queensdale for the school year.

6. How do they eventually die?

no plan yet

RELATIONSHIPS

1. Do they have any friends? Would they consider anyone to be their best friend?

The Akis are definitely not only family but also friends, and she is friends with a few of her classmates. You could count Era and Cap but they are more friends of friends to her.

2. What’s their friend group like? What role do they play in it?

3. What’s their love life like? (See also: ship question meme.) Do they have any kids?

no significant other, no kids.

4. Who do they look up to? Who do they trust?

Her Jotun historian great uncle who for most of her life was the coolest person she ever met, and if she hadn’t met Knut Whitebear one time.

5. Who do they hate? Do they have any enemies?

I don’t think Lorna hates any specific person, but she has a deep and powerful hatred for the svarnir because of her parents.

6. Do they have any pets?

no pets

7. Are they good with kids? Animals?

Lorna is okay with kids, others admire her for how much she can keep up with the energetic little ones without getting tired. She doesn’t particualarly enjoy it but she just can’t say no when they want to play.

With animals sually yes, though she doesn’t like animals that are close to her size or even bigger than her. She isn’t used to it finds it intimidating.

FUN FACTS

1. Which tropes do they fit? Which archetypes?

She’s the Loner that isn’t actually alone just plays that mysterious aura.

2. Do they play any instruments? Sports?

She can play drums :D And yeah as said above she is a good kegbrawl player.

3. What are some items they always carry?

She has a chak claw that is made to be a continer for life force, so that she doesn’t actively hold onto some all the time. It was the first thing she had to craft in the academy. She also carries around a small owl feather in a locket for good luck.

4. Do they collect anything?

The only thing you could say she collects are insults. She knows quite a lot of those.

5. What position do they sleep in?

Curled up because most beds are too small for her. The guest bed at the Akis’ homestead is theoretically big enough for her, but she is so used curling by now she never uses the full length.

6. Which emoji would they use the most?

😈

7. What languages do they speak?

Common, the Norns’ own language (with a pronounciation/word selection that sounds old), a bit of jotunn.

8. What’s their favorite expletive?

(I’m gonna lift this one straight from myself because it kinda fits and Lorna is a bit self inserty anyways) most used is something simple. Fuck and shit in comparable amounts. Her favourite though is “blood and ash!” (which may or may not be the expletive of choice in the wheel of time)

9. What’s their favorite candle scent?

honey

10. What songs remind you of them?

Can’t come up with one right now, but I’ve never been big on the connecting ocs with music thing.

11. Which animal would you say represents them?

You know how cats roam around alone but actually are group animals that raise their kittens together and stuff? That’s lorna.

12. What stereotypical high school clique would they fit into?

She’d be with the emos for sure.

13. What would their favorite ride at an amusement park be?

Haunted House

14. Do they believe in aliens? Ghosts? Reincarnation or something else?

Aliens and Ghosts are both a thing in tyria. I don’t know of any instance of reincarnation but our collection of immortals and sentient zombies makes up for that. So yeah she believes in those.

As for like tyrian cryptids or unprecedented and absurd supernatural happenings she isn’t big on those.

15. Do they follow any religions/gods? Do they celebrate holidays?

She’s a norn and does the norn things.

16. Which Deadly Sin do they most correspond to? Which Heavenly Virtue?

Wroth and Diligence

17. If you had to choose one tarot card to represent them, which would it be?

hmm the hermit would be the obvious one but because she doesn’t actually want to be alone I think the Stars fits even better.

[bluejaytaco]

More DND with Jay

(long post is long)

(A session where Ticket Master; our chaotic god friend(?) transported us into another world where shit ain’t so bad. And our team actually works for BBEG. Also, he transported us while he himself fought BBEG. We’re trying to retrieve a sword for him.)

Alternate selves: (See us) who are you guys?

Art(panicking): We’re the improv group!

DM: Is that really what you’re going with?

Me: guess so....

Everyone else: (agreeing that Art’s panic induced call is the way to go)

-

Me: You know what? Imma try to seduce myself.

Koejin’s player: (gasp) yessss!

(low roll)

DM:.... Alright. So, Art goes up to himself and feels like they just had a moment, leans in to kiss himself and the other Art backs up and says “whoa whoa whoa. What the fuck are you doing? I mean, I’m pretty sure I can do better than me.”

Art: I mean.... fair...?

Koejin: Holy Shit, their Art’s an asshole!

DM: No, this is completely in character for both. Art hates himself.

Me, nodding: hardcore.

-

DM: So, after asking you guys all your jobs, the coordinator leads you all down the hall. He stops, turns to Art, and... kisses him on the cheek. It’s Ticket Master.

Art, exasperated: For fuck’s sake....

Ticket Master, grinning: Did I trick you?

Art: Yeah, you did.

Ticket Master: Well, now you guys have to put on that performance. Good luck! (vanishes)

Theodora, sick of his shit: So, how’s that fight going with Mrs. Red?!

DM: A piece of the ceiling breaks off and hits Theodora right in the head.

Theodora, unfazed: Oh, not good, eh?!

Art: ....fuck just... please don’t die...

-

(We ended up corrupting that world’s Hennessy, who then turned and attacked Ticket Master with the sword. That only opened the portal to our home on Ticket Master himself. Art gets thrown through when he tries to stop Eltbalm from attacking Red. Eltbalm then gets put in a “cube of holding” Alabaster’s been carrying and everyone else jumps through the portal after shouting for Good Mrs. Red to follow us to get Eltbalm back.

Before she can jump through the portal too, Mrs. Red gets her head cut off by a force we didn’t see and the portal closes. Our Mrs. Red is still pissed and still ready to kill us all.)

Ticket Master, freezing time to reappear right before Art gets fucked up: Alright, now if you want me to reverse time so you can save that clearly dead girl (gestures to Art’s sister laying on the ground) you need to give me my sword. After that, you never have to see me again.

Alabaster: (Standing tall and defiant)

Art: givehimtheswordgivehimtheswordgivehimtheswordgivehimthefuckingsword.

Theodora: Don’t do it, Alabaster...

Ticket Master: Look, I just want my damn sword. Give it to me and I’ll be on my way.

Art:.... Alabaster, please....

Alabaster: (Deep sigh and a pained look to Art) Here... (tosses the cube to Ticket Master.)

DM: Ticket Master pops the sword out of the cube and straps it to his back. With a quick snap of his fingers, everything is back to the way it was right before Mrs. Red burst into the cabin. Everything’s still frozen but Rieta is still alive and in one piece. He looks at all of you, tips his hat, and disappears.

(This is definitely something we won’t regret.... And I highly doubt the relationship between Art and Alabaster will be exploited in any way shape or form.)

-

Art, to General Green once he’s back: So.... sorry about my memories and all...

Green, possibly remembering the whole Ticket Master thing: (grunts)

(Later, he makes it verrrrry clear he has no faith or trust in Art. He blatantly states this to Alabaster.)

Me, singing: Nobody trusts Art, nobody trusts Art.

Alabaster’s Player: Except Alabaster, who met Art before anyone else and immediately imprinted on him like a baby duck.

Me: lol true.

-

(Art gets into a little fight with Ticket Master and pretty much sleeps with the first woman who shows interest; a bartender in the tavern owned by our leader.)

DM: So, Art; as you’re having sex with Shia, her eyes go pitch black and start oozing. She then starts to attack you. What do you do?

Me: ....uhhh, scream. Loudly and a lot.

Everyone else: (rolls to see if they can hear Art.)

Theodora: Did you hear that? Sounded like Art.

Koejin: How do you know it’s him just by a scream?

Theodora: How do you not? All Art does is scream.

Me: Hah, yeah....

-

DM: Everyone bursts into the room to see Art in a corner just screaming “dude, dude, dude, dude!” Shia is pissed off and points at him, then yells out “You will never get answers out of me!” Just before she attacks him, the wall breaks down and Rieta comes bursting through. The two of them starts to fight and break through to the outside. They make their way down the hole where the giant worm popped out before.

Everyone:.....

Theodora:.... What just happened?

Art:.... I am never having sex ever again...

-

(Hennessy runs downstairs in a faux panic to get everyone out of the bar.)

Thia: What’s going on?! What do you mean we’re under attack?!

Hennessy: Oh, it’s nothing. It’s just your employee turned out to be evil. You really should do a proper background check!

Art, coming down the stairs: Yeah, sorry. I think I turned your bartender evil...

Thia, eyeing Art: It’s okay. Would you mind putting on some pants?

Art, forgetting he was naked: Shit, right. (runs back upstairs)

-

DM: Did no one check on the tiefling boy? (His name is also Art.)

Me: Yeah, I’m gonna check on Little Art after I put on pants.

DM: Okay, so Art gets dressed and sees the boy sitting on the bed in the other room. He looks at Art and says “What happened? Where’d Mom go?”

Art:... Um, your mom went to take care of something. I’m also gonna go take care of something. We’ll be back soon, okay? You stay here and stay safe.

DM: The boy nods and settles back into the bed as you leave.

Alabaster’s player: so wait, this is Art’s...?

Me: Nephew, yeah.

Alabaster’s Player: Awww, Uncle A!

-

(Running gag in our campaign: If we roll really high on analyzing something that doesn’t need that much detail, the DM will overdo it. By like a lot. It’s most common when rolling on a door to make sure we’re not stepping into a trap.)

DM: So, you analyze the door and notice the knob is made of a beautiful brass. (goes on and on and on about the doorknob.) oh, also, the rest of the door is made up of gnome skulls...

Me: Feel like the gnome skulls were more important than the doorknob.

DM: fuck you.

In game:

Art, the one who checked this door:....um (looks at Wreybar; the gnome barbarian).... maybe they’re human... baby skulls? (DM: Roll deception on...yourself??)

Koejin: How is that any better?!

- 

(Party is in the dungeon. Alabaster could not join us for this particular session. We find a gnome who is a part of Wreybar’s backstory. His name is Hector. He is being pulled around by air elementals.)

Me: Can I try to grab Hector before they can drag him back to the barrels?

DM: Roll for it (Cue shitty roll) So, Art tries to grab Hector but then trips over a rock and falls flat on his face.

Hennessy: Air elementals are always trying to get something and don’t stop until they have it.

Wreybar and Art(In unison): Looks like they’re trying to get a Hector (Both gasp and look at each other) Eyyyyyyyy! (finger guns)

Me: Wreybar and Art are having a moment

Wreybar’s player: (laughs)

-

Koejin:(Having dealt with air elementals before) So, we need to get all the oxygen out of the room. 

Hennessy: (eyes the barrels of gun powder in the corner) I have an idea. (makes a copy of Hector for the elementals as Theodora grabs the real Hector. Everyone runs for the door we came through and Hennessy throws a fireball at the door then slams it shut.)

DM: Remember, the door is made of brittle bones.

Theodora: I put up my shield for everyone to hide behind.

DM: So, the flames bellow around the shield. Art, you stick your head up and come back down a second later.

Art: (the only one who’s fireproof) Yep, that’s fire!

-

DM: (going on and on about the next door and the history of its wood and the doorknob, which had a dent in it from a kid who was then verbally abused by his mother and grew up to be an accountant. It took five minutes to explain.)

Koejin, fascinated by the door she checked: wow... this door has some history...

Art: Huh, there’s a dent in the knob. Wonder where that came from...

Koejin: Well, let me tell you! (retells the story to an awestruck Art)

-

DM: So, at the end of one hall, you all see a body slumped against the wall wearing armor and holding a sword.

Theodora: I call out to the person.

DM: There’s no response.

Me: Okay, I want to investigate the body.

DM: How close are you getting?

Me: Uhhh.... like... ten feet? I don’t want to get too close.

DM: Okay, so you move closer and check it out to see that he is very dead.

Me: Okay, I’m going for the sword and armor. (Rolls a decent Slight of Hand)

DM: So, you go to pry the sword out of the hand and it just opens for you. Then, you go for the armor and his head pops up. His eye sockets look into your eyes and he says “oi! What you think you’re doing?!” He’s undead.

Art: (Still holding the guy by the armor) Oh.... uhhhh. Just... taking your stuff...

Undead guy: Like Hell you are! (DM: He goes to headbutt you and (Rolls)...dammit! His head falls off!)

Art: (watches the head roll away) Yeah, I’m taking it.

Undead guy: Oi! Stop it! (DM: He prepares to punch you in the face and (rolls) Fuck! His arm falls off!!)

(A series of failures later)

Koejin: (to Theodora) Can we keep him?

(His name is Skelly and he wants to kill gnomes. Hector in particular. But it’s okay; Hector’s a douche who’s trying to kill Wreybar. We promised him Hector and a world of adventure if he helps us... Our DM gave us actual NPC children and our party adopted a skeleton named Skelly who wants to go on adventures because he’s never seen anything other than that hallway.)

-

DM: It’s getting late. Do you guys wanna keep playing? I could wrap it up here with a cliffhanger.

Koejin’s player: Yeah, might as well. If we keep going, Alabaster might end up a little too lost. We’ve already got a lot to explain.

DM: Okay so, Theodora. You open the door to the room with the void. Inside, you see a floating map and a key. But you also see something else. A portal you’ve seen many times before. You know by sight, it’s a Ticket Master portal. But the person who steps through is wearing a wizard hat. You see it’s Hennessy from the alternate universe. His eyes are blacked over.

Hennessy B: (smile) Hello... friends.

DM: From the portal, you can see hands. It’s all of your hands and they are pulling themselves through.

Theodora: uuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..... (roll credits)

Hennessy’s player: seems like things are coming back to bite us.

Koejin’s player: huh.... it’s almost like our actions have consequences...