#never thought I would be happy about a 2 year hiatus but I cannot stomach much more of this bullshit

[murmel-malt]

HotD feels in many ways like a rollercoaster ride in terms of the quality of writing.

There's some really good stuff that I really really enjoy and present an interesting take of the character and the story and then there are some changes that are just so bad and make so little sense that it gives me whiplash.

!! Ranting partially about the spoilers in the tags so do not look of you don't want to be spoiled !!

[pair-annoyed]

Anime I Watched This Fall

My first semester of college is officially over and the December holidays are upon us! I hoped to make one of these posts sooner, but I have been incredibly busy with schoolwork. Now that things have slowed down, let’s take sometime to reflect on things I’ve watched. 

These anime are listed in chronological order and encompass everything I’ve watched from 9/1/2020 - 12/15/2020

Like always, they will be rated on a 1-10 scale; 1 meaning complete garbage, 10 meaning masterpiece. I will offer my thoughts on what I did/didn’t like about each show!

1. The God of High School - 6/10 

Despite the stellar animation from MAPPA and my high expectations, I was really disappointed by how this series was treated. Most of the story’s crucial elements were handled poorly. I finished this series feeling more confused about the plot than when I first began. The power system is really cool, but poorly explained. More time should have been spent on exposition and world building for this series, instead the fights were given the most screen time. 

2.  Doukyuusei - 7/10 

I really liked the style of Doukyuusei. Granted, this was another movie I chose to watch primarily because of the hype surrounding it. The dynamic between Kusakabe and Sajou is an interesting one, and I also enjoy how the movies different acts were separated by the seasons. However, there's nothing that really sets Doukyuusei apart from other romance movies, its a little generic. Still, I enjoyed it nonetheless. 

3.  Re:Zero kara Hajimeru Isekai Seikatsu 2nd Season - 8/10 

My opinions on Re:Zero’s second season are biased. This was, by far, the sequel I was most hyped for during the summer/fall anime season. I was so happy to see the story’s continuation and I’m looking forward to the season’s second part coming sometime in January. Re:Zero is one of my all time favorite series because of the way it handles it characters and power dynamics. I also really enjoy the show’s psychological aspects. If you haven’t already, give Re:Zero a try! 

4. Saint☆Oniisan (Movie + OVA) - 8/10

This was a wonderful comedy. I wasn’t sure how the subject of Jesus and Buddha living together would be tackled, but it was handled wonderfully. I was laughing for pretty much the entire movie. I love the art style and little references to both Buddhism and Christianity, plus the incorporation of Japanese culture. Saint Oniisan is a bright comedy, with two eccentric main characters. If you like a show that doesn’t take itself too seriously, and need a good laugh, I can’t recommend this more.

5. Clannad: After Story - 10/10 

Never, while watching anime, did I cry as much as I did while watching Clannad: After Story. I didn’t realize how much I related to Okazaki until I saw him grow up in After Story. I was left sobbing, especially after episode 18. I still, to this day, cannot listen to the Dango song without tearing up. The original Clannad is nothing special, but the continuation of its story its something heartfelt, emotional, and down-to-earth. I love Kyoto Animation with all my heart, and Clannad made me appreciate everything the studio has done just a little bit more. Thank you Clannad, for reminding me about the kind of person I strive to be. 

6. Nakitai Watashi wa Neko wo Kaburu - 5.5/10

The art in A Whisker Away was beautiful. The story itself, however, is nothing too enjoyable. I found it difficult to like our protagonist or her love interest. Nothing about this movie is inherently memorable. The emotional climax came far too early which made the second half of the film seem long and drawn out.  All in all, the movie has a wonderful concept, I just believe it could have been so much more emotional than it was. When I watch a move, I like to empathize with the characters. It’s difficult to do when the characters aren’t given the proper exposition to be empathized with. 

7.  Shikioriori - 6/10

This is less of a movie and more of a collection of short stories. Flavors of Youth is something you shouldn’t watch on an empty stomach, all of the food looks incredible. The same cannot beside for the rest of this feature. The stories themselves seems heavily clichéd. Much like A Whisker Away, the initial premise is intriguing, but the execution results in something that comes across as trying too hard and carries no emotional weight with the viewer. If you plan on watching, pay more attention to the artwork and animation than the actual plot. You won’t be missing anything. 

8. Vinland Saga - 7/10

Vinland Saga helped me get out of the rut that Clannad: After Story. Not only does this show have a great story, its action packed with lots of interesting fights. I especially enjoyed all the Nordic history embedded within the show. Its really unlike any of the other historical anime I’ve watched. I will say, it’s gory. But, compared to all the other things I watched this time around, I finished this series the quickest. Its good, its graphic, its fast paced! 

9.  Mononoke Hime - 7/10

It’s ironic considering how much anime I’ve watched that I have yet to watch all of the most classic Studio Ghibli films. Princess Mononoke is grittier than most other Ghibli films I’ve seen, but it’s message is positive and its characters are wonderful. I can’t really speak ill towards classics like these. I guess maybe my one complaint is that this movie could’ve been a faster pace. Other than that... I really enjoyed everything Princess Mononoke offered! I understand why it’s so popular.  

10. Howl no Ugoku Shiro - 8.5/10 

Can you believe it took me this long to finally watch Howl’s Moving Castle? Me neither!! This movie is so endearingly beautiful. I loved every second of it, from the characters to the soundtrack. So many iconic things come from just this one movie. I would like to take this time to thank my best friend for reminding me that Studio Ghibli films are wonderful! Thank you for watching this with me, I loved it! All in all, I regret not watching this sooner! 

11. Toradora! - 6.5/10 

Toradora took me a while to finish, just because I lost interest about halfway through. But, I powered through it, and ended up really enjoying the show! I’m not the biggest fan of the ending, but that’s just a personal preference. Somehow, this show also made me cry? I’m not entirely sure why because Toradora! is probably the thing farthest from sad. Apart from the show’s dull slice of life moments, it was super cute! A much needed light-hearted romance. 

12. New Initial D Movie: Legend 1 - 5/10 

Full disclosure, this is the only thing related to Initial D that I’ve ever watched. My band and I watched this expecting to hear some of that iconic Initial D music, itself all we got was a mildly confusing story about different types of cars. It was cliché and frankly a little boring. Although, I am still considering watching the original Initial D just so I can hear the music in the way it was original intended. I’ve got no other opinions on this movie. It’s best not to watch these movies without the context from the rest of the franchise.  

13.  Uchuu Patrol Luluco - 7.5/10

I didn’t really understand why people enjoy studio Trigger so much until I watched Space Patrol Luluco. I loved all the fun references to other studio Trigger works. I loved the humor, and I loved all the bright colors. The animation was extremely high energy, and the art style fits the show’s premise. Each episode was only 12 minutes long so it was a super quick binge. If you’re looking for something quick, light-hearted and comical, this is the perfect show to watch.

14. Orange - 7/10 

I owe a big thanks to a tumblr mutual for recommending this show to me! This holds the honor of making me cry by episode 3! I honestly did not expect the subject matter of this show to be as dark as it was. Usually when I see the genre ‘shoujo’ I do not associate it with a love story like that of Orange. The heavy subject matter made it a little too close to home for me, but I still really enjoyed this series. It reminds me off all the good times I had with my friends in high school, and of all the regrets I carry with myself to this day. 

15. 3-gatsu no Lion - 7.5/10 

March Comes in Like a Lion is another show that was a bit of a slow burn for me. Each episode left me feeling emotionally drained, so I had to take a lot of breaks while I was working on watching this series. Shaft, the studio behind this anime, holds a special place in my heart because I loved their work on the Monogatari Series. March Comes in Like a Lion is a little different. It’s driving force it is characters, and it was cathartic to watch our main character transform through the entire duration of the first season. I know the show’s second season is much better, so I’ll be starting that soon! 

16. Yojouhan Shinwa Taikei - 8/10 

I loved how artsy and smart The Tatami Galaxy is, but honestly I couldn’t watch too much at once cause it would hurt my head. I also couldn’t watch this show while I was tired because the speaking rate is much faster than typical anime. The Tatami Galaxy is so unique for its medium. I loved the different time loops and the crazy animation. The characters were fascinating. The dialogue, although very fast, it also fantastic. There’s an element of humor to this unique story telling, and I enjoyed ever minute of it! 

Currently Watching:

Hunter x Hunter - 6.5/10 (As of Episode 30)

I pride myself in having watched a lot of shounen anime, but I was reluctant to start Hunter x Hunter for years because I thought I would find it boring. I was oh so very wrong. Considering great shows like Naruto and Fairy Tail that fall under the same category, I expected Hunter x Hunter to be subpar in comparison. It gets a low score for two reasons. One, the power system was introduced a little too late and now I’m wondering if all the fights post episode 30 will involved nen in some way, shape, or form. Two, its still on hiatus. 

Two Cursed Additions For This List

Please to do not let these be representative of my anime taste. 

1.  Yarichin☆B*tch-bu - 4/10

I am a CLOWN for not knowing this was 18+. The only reason I watched this was to see why everyone was talking about the pink-haired boy with the glasses and tongue piecing. I know why now, and I regret it. This was a massive mistake on my part. But hey, at the least the art and ending song kinda slap? 

2. Euphoria (Dropped After 1 Episode) - 2/10

If you know what I’m talking about when I say Euphoria, I am so sorry. And no, I am not talking about the HBO series. Seriously, don’t google this. Don’t watch this. Don’t interact with anything related to this. You’re probably wondering, “Then why did you watch it?” I did not watch this willingly. You see, I have a very bad habit of starting anime and then taking months to finish them. I made an ultimatum with a friend, lost, and then was forced to watch this a punishment. Not a fun experience. I’m very glad there are no GIFs of this on tumblr...

[mettic]

the previous anime season is offically Done ™ and the new season Starting ™ I wanna talk about anime so it’s time for an official Mettic Anime Winter 2018 Or Something I Cant Remember If It Started In 2017 Or Not Season opinion wrap up. It was a pretty good season!

YURU CAMP:

This season’s out of nowhere darling child, put out by a director that’s done Literally Nothing:

There really isnt super much to talk about Yuru Camp, which sounds like a negative but only anime can really get away with this kind of thing and its really Yuru Camp’s strength. It’s like an informative camping tutorial mixed with a series of really comfy setting shots held together but a loveable cast of characters. 

If I’m to pick at it I’d say that it’s somewhat lame that 1/3rd of the cast who are at the group gathering at the end are basically irrelevant until the last 2-3~ episodes, but that really feels irrelevant.

It’s kinda hard to criticize slice of lifes tbh. At heart it feels like a genre with no real worth but it’s really easy to get attached to them. If it’s got characters that arent annoying to listen to and funny jokes it’s probably good.

Bonus: it’s good at tricking you into thinking camping if fun with pretty images of a comfy atmosphere of sitting infront of a pretty view. Makes you forget that the novelty of that runs out when you remember you’re gonna be there for a few hours.  Also completely ignores the true appeal of camping, which was that the camp store had a Mortal Kombat 2 machine and that game rules.

Violet Evergarden:

The quick version of this review is that I really wanted to like this show but ultimately walked away with a whopping “it’s alright”. 

The first four episodes of this show is bad. like i almost dropped it bad. Violet is not just a completely unlikeable character, but a characters thats difficult to watch in these episodes, due to her being completely oblivious to basically everything. And I GET that that’s the point, and she develops, but holy shit it’s almost unbearable to not just shut the episode off from second hand embarrassment. You might have a thicker skin for that kind of stuff though.

The show really starts to pick up after ep 4, but it still fluctuates (though never dropping as low as ep 2). The show starts to adopt a sort of “mission of the week” kind of style which I actually enjoyed; the princess and play writer episodes stick out in particular as a really enjoyable closed off stories with some solid execution to write off some instances of shallow writing. For example, the mother and child episode is so predictable that I saw basically the whole episode coming from the minute they introduced the characters, but despite that the final few minutes of the episode was still an emotional gut punch.

The episodes that focus on the “main plot”, less interesting. While Violet develops away from a completely unbearable to watch character, shes still not really interesting. Infact i’d say that there really isnt any character I super cared about in this show, which brings down the main plot pretty hard. The anti-peace faction is a mentally I cant find myself even understanding whats their goal in trying to stir the countries back to war other than the shallow and poorly written mentality of “we can’t ever forgive them yadda yadda/WE GOTTA BE STRONG”/there world doesnt like us anymore cuz we start wars :/”, so all I really get is a plot thats poorly motivated with uninteresting characters but with some solid line delivery. It’s kinda wack.

On the list of things I can complain about that’s also something that only I care about, the world of VE is completely nonsense and feels poorly thought through. The fact that humanity can create prosthetic arms with a level of technology that borders almost space age while set in a world thats loosely based on a post WW1 era is silly enough; but jesus how is it that a majority of the world doesn’t know how to fucking write in a WW1 aesthetic setting that also just happens to have some fucking near future incredibly accurate robots arms. Please think your world building through!

While we’re at it, the prosthetic arms aspect of the show feels.... unnecessary and worthless? This also seems like a silly thing to bitch about but I do think its an actual issue;  I figured that would’ve been a big part of the show, if not the main part of the show, but its actually a complete after thought that exists in the show just to be an aesthetic choice (while also bringing down the show’s worldbuilding significantly). There’s like one scene in this show that requires violet having super robot arms, and even that could be pretty easily rewritten. If violet had regular arms the show would barely change. I kinda went into this show thinking that it’d be a dealing with coming back from war and living with missing body parts, which I thought was interesting. But I guess thats a bit too mature for anime so its a show about dealing with your lover being gone and ~learning to have emotions~ which has been done a million times. (I’m gonna admit that I dont think “this show would be better if it was something completely different :/” is great criticism, but I still wanted to get it out there)

Characters are poorly motivated and not engaging, most episodes are really predictable,  show never really seems to know what it wants to be as it flip flops between mission of the week and a hastily slapped together main plot and poorly made worldbuilding, but it has Kyoani’s patent Absurd Budget Animation (which, imo, isnt super great. The show approaches the view of every frame being gorgeous, but there isnt a lot of fun or interesting movement in the show, it’s fairly static. But shit, no cg vehicles, so thats kinda dope), some really strong scenes and emotional gut punches, and some outliner good episodes. 

It’s aiight I guess

POP TEAM EPIC:

Quick review: not really actually funny, but the show is just a spectacle to watch to figure out what bullshit they’re gonna pull next. 

I feel like PTE is definitely a show that you wanna go into with no spoilers, cuz once you pull away the surprise of “what the fuck did they just do”, the jokes are fairly flat for the most part, but I guess thats the point or whatever. For example; the famous Hellshake Yano segment really isnt funny. But the “animation” of the scene of so unique and cool that I dont care, and I’m captivated but what’s happening and how they’re making it happen.

Shit. Is pop team epic an art house show? fuck. I dont want to think about it like that. I’m just gonna keep writing and try to ignore that fact.

Anyways; I think the show is great at putting together multiple 4koma strips into one singular joke, or expanding 4koma strips into a more fully fledged joke. It’s very rarely actually funny, but its definitly fun to watch, if you get what I mean. 

I dont think Ill ever really wanna watch PTE ever again, and I don’t think it’s a ~good~ show, but I still recommend it with as little knowledge as possible just for the ride.

CARDCAPTOR SAKURA: CLEAR CARD:

This show isnt over! This bitch a two cour! Lets talk about it anyways!

In the strange trend of old classic shows getting remade  (See: Sailor Moon Crystal, the Legend of Galactic Heroes remake thats this season, Devilman Crybaby) or getting continuations after being over for like 10-20 years (Dragonball Super, that Code Geass new seasons thats down the line and I know CG isnt 10-20 years but its the first thing that came to mind piss off), with varying levels of success that often slides towards the lower of the scale, CCS:CS manages to bring the show back from its 20-15~ year “hiatus” and keeping all the charm and appeal of the original series, which is incredible really.

I’ll be real; I went into this show expecting to be disappointed. The standards I hold CCS is  outrageously high. I still hold on to the opinion that CCS is one of my favorite shows in the animation department. CCS is fucking gorgeous. I dont think any show has better coloring that CCS; it’s PEAK aesthetic. If you have the patience for monster of the week shows, you should watch CCS. It’s great.

Somehow, I went into this with the highest of expectations, and walked away happy. It’s incredible. It managed to completely keep the feeling of the original anime, and while it cant replicate the original series’ out of this world coloring (and lets be real, what can?), it makes it up with extremely fluid animations.

If I’m to make a complaint about the series I’d say that I feel like it follows the act of the original show a bit too much, with a lot of the new cards powers and even some episodes (see: the aquarium episodes) following the original show beat by beat. But shit, the new stuff Sakura gets is SUPER cool. Gravitation is the coolest power Sakura’s ever had. Plus the show is pointing torwards that idea that the new stuff is similiar to the old stuff is the intention and part of the plot, so that doesn’t even matter.

The shows movements are gorgeous. I never get sick of the transformation animation. The characters are fun. The scenarios and card fights are fun. It’s a blast. If you can stomach monster of the week style shows, and I know not everyoen can, please watch both the original series and Clear Card. I love Cardcaptor Sakura. If you dont like Cardcaptor than you can get fucked.

But believe it or not, CCS:CC isnt actually my show of the season.

MITSUBOSHI COLORS:

Honestly? I cannot think of a show thats made laugh, and I mean like actually laughing at my computer desk, as often as Colors. This show has no right being as funny as it is.

Is that a bit of a shallow reason to make it my AOTS? kinda, but to be honest I think most anime comedy is really bad. I dont think the boke/tsukkomi skit as ever been funny. Anime comedy in particular has a HORRIBLE habit of explaining the joke before it even gets to settle in, running the joke completely. Not a lot of shows even have me physically laughs.

Colors? Fucking hilarious. It gets me every episode. I’m more than willing to look past episodes with struggling animation (shoutouts to ep 4), because holy shit its so refreshing for an actually funny.

I’m not gonna pretend that I’m super experiencing in breaking down comedy to its bare elemtents, but here’s what I think; colors is really good at juxtaposition. It’ll take an set up, stare you stone faced, and just say some wild shit. It’s fucking awesome.  The characters are weird and outlandish and bounce off each other super well. There’s some of the best dry delieveries I’ve ever seen.

Colors fucking rules. I miss Colors already.

ANYWAYS this season was good. 4/5 shows I watched this season I really liked, and there’s other stuff that I’m told is really good like the Antartica show that I didnt get around to watching.  Go watch Colors.

Next (current?) season I’m checking out  Megalo Box, Hinatmatsuri, Golden Kamuy and still watching Cardcaptor. please look forward to it

[hope-for-olicity]

Fabulous Olicity FanFic Friday - July 14th, 2017

Happy Friday! So this is my attempt to both thank awesome fanfic writers for their amazing work and offer my recommendations to anyone who is interested. Here are the fantastic fanfic stories I read this week! They are posted in the order I read them. Oh and I'm wicked behind in my reading!! So if I tagged your post #can't wait to read and you don't see here, I will still read.  Fewer fics read this week as I was at HVFF Nashville, sick and now traveling again!

Oliver's Journal (post 523) by @geneshaven - Oliver's thoughts about his life with Felicity https://geneshaven.tumblr.com/post/162741807464/olivers-journal-post-523 Time for a Story multi-chapter by @smkkbert - This fic shows Olicity and their life as a (married) couple with family. Although Olicity (and their kids) are the protagonists, other characters of Arrow and Flash make appearances. - I really cannot tell you how much joy and happiness this story brings to my life DAILY. I'm almost caught up and will be at a loss waiting fro the next AMAZING chapter!! http://archiveofourown.org/works/3912157/chapters/8757172 To Make You Feel My Love multi-chapter by @smkkbert - One year after the Gambit went down, the incredible happens: Oliver is found alive and brought back to Starling City. All he wants is getting back to Felicity and Madeleine. Though Felicity welcomes him back with her arms wide open, Oliver struggles to find his place in the family. It seems like his place – at least in Mae’s heart – is already taken. And it doesn’t help that it’s his best friend Tommy who seems to have taken it. A MUST READ. http://archiveofourown.org/works/10904208/chapters/24242493 The Mirror in the Attic multi-chapter by @sophie1973 - When Felicity Smoak inherits a house from the late Oliver Queen, she struggles to understand why the old man would leave her his home. They are at least two generations apart, and as far as she knows, they have never met. Until she walks into the house and experiences the weirdest feeling of déjà vu, and discovers Oliver and her actually know each other very well. Just in another lifetime. - This a MUST READ!!! http://archiveofourown.org/works/11331471/chapters/25363236 When I'm With You - Barely Breathing multi-chapter by @sentence-fragments - ARROW AU - The prodigal son returns! After five years...away, because Felicity knows he wasn't on that island all the time, Oliver finally finds his way home. Her feelings for him are as strong as ever, but there's something about him that isn't quite right, and she can't seem to figure out what it is that he's hiding from her. (Part 3 of the 'When I'm WIth You'-Series) http://archiveofourown.org/works/4874542/chapters/11175277 As Easy As Falling multi-chapter by @charlinert - Felicity has just received tragic news when she meets Oliver, I believe there is hope, highly recommend but you will cry but not every chapter! http://archiveofourown.org/works/8035363/chapters/22542341 Tinseltown by @olicitysmoaky - Genius young lawyer Felicity Smoak and hotshot agent Oliver Queen run into each other after their summer of love seven years prior. Now that they're all grown up and living in Tinseltown, will sparks fly? Or will they fizzle out now that the real world is involved? Total AU. http://archiveofourown.org/works/11202819/chapters/25020951 A Part of Me is Always With You by @wherethereissmoak - This was written for the Olicity Hiatus Fic-a-thon prompt "Comfort" and from another reader who wanted to see Oliver donating blood to Felicity.  http://archiveofourown.org/works/11104023/chapters/25730034 You Had Me at Hello multi-chapter by @tdgal1 - Oliver Queen and Felicity Smoak met at a Gala and had an instant attraction but Smoak Technologies and Queen Consolidated have to work together.  Can they make that sexual chemistry work and still work together.http://archiveofourown.org/works/11075379 The Bond multi-chapter by @green-arrows-of-karamel - On Earth-837, a world so alike and yet so different from ours, people bond with their soulmates through a single gaze into each other's eyes. Oliver Queen has not found his mate yet, and he fears that he never will. But one night, he meets a woman with sapphire eyes and their life changes forever. (Fulfilling OHFAT week 2 prompt: Eye Contact) http://archiveofourown.org/works/11102079/chapters/24772371 Neutral Site by @geneshaven - Oliver climbs a mountain for a good reason https://geneshaven.tumblr.com/post/162904434134/neutral-site Bonds That Can't Be Broken multi-chapter by @wherethereissmoak - Felicity goes off her meds to enjoy one heat with a random stranger after her graduation before settling down to focus on her career. On the drunken night out in Vegas, she finds an Alpha and they have what she hopes is a one night stand. But the next morning, she wakes up with a bondmate bite and realizes she cannot remember many details of the night before. Oliver Queen knows that he bonded with a beautiful woman, but he has no idea who she was. The two try (and often fail) to move on with their life without hope of ever finding their mate, but does fate have other plans for them? And when they reunite, can they overcome all the forces of evil in their path to finally be together? http://archiveofourown.org/works/11067591/chapters/24680781 Beneath the Shadowed Hood (There is a Mark Upon My Countenance) multi-chapter by @geniewithwifi - Felicity is living in the Glades, surviving on her own, when she runs into the Nightmare of Starling; the green-clad bringer of justice. She saves his life, and the attraction blooms. But Felicity has been burned before. She no longer believes in what a True Soulmate can give her. Circumstances force the two of them together, and only love can force them apart. SO AWESOME!!! http://archiveofourown.org/works/11213136/chapters/25049418 Signed Up for Love multi-chapter by @arrowgirl20 - After past traumatic relationships, both Oliver and Felicity are reluctant to date again. But after Oliver's sister and Felicity's best friend push them to sign up on an online dating site, they find that maybe they can both move on from their pasts and give love another shot. http://archiveofourown.org/works/11133207/chapters/24844758 One Night multi-chapter by @emily-betts - Felicity paces back and forth in her bathroom, fingers playing with each other in front of her stomach and her bottom lip pulled between her teeth. How the hell did she get here? She prides herself on being smart -- on being a genius, actually. Hell, she skipped eighth grade! So how in the hell had she ended up here, burning a hole in the floor of her bathroom, waiting for a flimsy plastic stick to tell her if her life is over? http://archiveofourown.org/works/11076792/chapters/24706029 (Untitled) Masterpiece multi-chapter by @overwatch-smoak - He ignited a passion inside of her that she didn’t think she had. And when he proposed it was romantical and fantastical and so utterly beautiful. His creative soul called to her in the strangest ways. His career was really getting off the ground, and once he had the actual model of his angel, they were happy. http://archiveofourown.org/works/11069151/chapters/24684894

Blue Eyed Angel: Comfort multi-chapter by @tdgal1 - Oliver is upset when he finds out Felicity has plans that don't include him.  His next decision may not work out in his favor or does it? http://archiveofourown.org/works/11069859/chapters/25268676

// @almondblossomme // @emmaamelia95 // @mel-loves-all // @oliverfel4 // @green-arrows-of-karamel // @coal000 // @miriam1779 // @memcjo// @captainolicitysbedroom // @tdgal1 // @spaztronautwriter // @lalawo1// @quiveringbunny // @quant-um-fizzx // @thebookjumper // @vaelisamaza // @myhauntedblacksoul // @lovelycssefan // @laurabelle2930 // @wrongshipper //

[lorelaigilmoure]

i’ve started watching tww in march and went on hiatus in april. i was really looking forward to live blog (like i do now) and to share my thoughts about the show, but school and hiatus got in the way. i wanted to stay off tumblr but at the same time i wanted y’all to know how i feel about the show, so i decided to write down my thoughts in a word document and to share it with you when i’m back.

so if you’re curious, how this show ruined me and why i love it and if you have the patience and time, feel free to read this live blogging(?) mess:

omg this is too much. I can’t take this whole ms plotline. wth????? jed and charlie having the conversation. I have tears in my eyes. this is tooooo much. FRACK.

BRING IT ON.  YEAH.

No mrs landingham noooo. why.???? this ep gave me goosebumps. f*cking amazing. AND HELL YES HE’S RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT AGAIN. HELL YES.

okay I hate amy. I just hate her. and I want to see abbey more. ABBBEEEEEEY. WHERE’S ABBEEEY???

OMG TOBY. THAT WAS WAY OUT OF LINE. and now jed needs a therapist. I think toby missed his calling. he should be a shrink.

charlie was sassy af. don’t mess with charlie, cj, ever.

y’know sam has really grown on me. I never thought I would love him so much. but I do. precious marshmallow.

wait, but the pancreas doesn’t produce HCl. the stomach does. I really hope Abbey was sarcastic, bc otherwise it’s a pretty big mistake made by the writers. and I hope jed “see, they can’t take medical school from you” bartlet was sarcastic too. pls god.

yep, amy is still annoying.

I have a bad feeling about this ep. stirred. alcohol. leo. I don’t wike it.

jed and leo’s bromance is one of the best things in this show.

OH MY GOD. JOSH DID THE THING FOR DONNA. HE SAID HE WON’T BUT HE DID. DONNA, YOU PRECIOUS SNOWFLAKE, YOUR HAPPINESS MAKES ME CRY TEARS OF JOY. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH SWEET CHILD.

guys, Ritchie is Donald J. Trump. it’s so obvious. I cannnot believe this tv show, this season, aired 14 years ago.

jed to cj: you are part of my family. HELL YES. SHE IS. I LOVE THEM.

OH MY GOD. CJ BE SAFE FOR GOD’S SAKE.

donovan just showed up and I already ship him with cj.

okay I ship cj and donovan so much. don’t get me wrong, I love danny, but these two, right now, are RUINING ME. PERFECT.

*during the whole negative ad/tape thing*:

bruno: sam don’t talk to Kahn

sam: I’m going to talk to him

bruno: sam no

sam: sam yes

*sam does the thing* *shit’s going down*

bruno: ???????????

ANOTHER DEATH TREATH??? THEY SAW CJ IN THE MALL??? okay, it must’ve been the guy in the coat. I have a very bad feeling about this whole arc. ladjklasjdlasjdla

aaaand I still don’t like amy, at all.

I looove the chemistry between cj and donovan aljdslkdjals.

I LIKE THAT YOU’RE TALL. OMG CJ IS SUCH A DORK GIVE ME A BREAK.

jed bartlet: true or false, josh? my life would be better right now if you and your girlfriend swapt jobs? HE’S SAVAGE AF. OMG.

THEY ALMOST KISSED. CJ AND DONOVAN ALMOST KISSED. ALFJKASLJFLASJFA I NEED A KISSSSSS.

season 3 finale here I come.

it’s been a season and I don’t even know how does ritchie look like??? I’m curious. also I have a bad feeling about this whole assassination thing.

AND SIMON AND CJ KISSED THANKS GOD. THANK YOU.

okay simon just went into a store and I have a super bad feeling about it. ugggggh.

FRAAAAAAAACK THEY KILLED HIM. OMG OMG OMG LAFJKSLAKJDSFLASJF FRACK FRACK THIS FRACK. NO NOT HALLELUJAH NO GOD I’M CRYING NO THIS HURTS OMG I CAN’T

I’m so sad. he deserved better. cj deserved better I just.

AMY ADAMSSSSSSSS. WOW.

josh, donna and toby on a field trip. how cute.

mallory is so beautiful.

[AOS IS RENEWED. it’s not tww related but OMG I’M SO HAPPY. YYAAAAAAASSSSS. (and I still haven’t seen a single ep since 4x16 and I managed to avoid spoilers too. cannot wait to be back on tumblr and make philinda fanvids and aos stuff again. a little more than two months to go.)]

baby coulson on the west wing???? so freakin cute.

no, don’t talk to amy, josh, continue talking to donna. pls. can’t his relationship with amy end pls????

I WOULD VOUCH FOR DONNA WITH MY LIFE.

oh donna, my sweet potato. nicely played. josh, you deserved that prank.

wait, andy’s pregnant??? and toby’s the father??? I’m confused. aren’t they divorced or what?

OH MY GOD THEY PRANKED POOR TOBY. THIS SCENE WAS HILARIOUS. CRISIS OF CONFIDENCE. GENIUS.

jed just said to toby: “you, you big bear. come to me, I’m gonna kiss you right on the mouth.” I swear this is a really serious show. a political drama. pffffffff toby’s face is priceless. probably one of my fave scenes so far.

also pls abbey show up.  I miss you.

yay, joshua malina.

GAME ON BOYFRIEND AND SHE CUTS OFF HIS TIE. ABBEY IS A PHENOMENON. second fave scene. this show is epic you guys. cj fell through the door. as I said, a really serious show dealing with serious and important issues. THESE DORKS I SWEAR. and now jed slapt abbey’s butt. this ep is too much.

TOBY PRANKED JOSH. I LOVE THESE IDIOTS SO SO MUCH.

oh no, frack, his hand started shaking. and he needs an aspirin. I have a very very bad feeling about this.  he’s going to get worse. and so the angst begins.

I wish donna would leave this jack guy alone. I don’t like him.

poor jed and abbey, they’ve been interrupted like 10 times now. first sam, then leo and now toby. lmao

it’s so good seeing leo being happy and smiling.                

okay but josh told jack a bunch of crazy stuff about donna, bc he legit doesn’t want him to go out with her. this dumb dork I swear.

I love cj’s new haircut.

THOSE STORIES WOULD MAKE ME LIKE YOU. JOOOOOOSSSSSSSHHHHH WTH???? OMG I think this is the moment josh started to look differently at donna. THIS IS THE EXACT MOMENT HE STARTED DEVELOPING DEEPER FEELINGS FOR HER.

DAAAAANNNNNYYYYYYY’S BACK OMG DANNY IS BACK AND HE’S SANTA AND HE KISSED HER OMG OMG

zoey and charlie broke up?? how did I miss that?? or did it happen off screen???

danny is back and so is trouble.

the sexual tension between donna and josh intensifies aldjskjdalsjdlajdla. “Donna left?” his face. IT’S STARTING YOU GUYS. I CAN’T HANDLE IT ALFJSLDJASALFJALSKFAL

so I guess cj and danny aren’t together together.

my heart breaks for cj. seeing her dad like this. he doesn’t recognize her. *sigh* be strong cj, my sweet sass queen, be strong.i’ve been in cj shoes. my grandpa was ill too. and let me tell you, it’s so heartbreaking. he was clever as well, we couldn’t pursue him to go to a facilty, to get help. he was so stubborn too. it still hurts. but in the end, he accepted the help we offered him. he didn’t recognize us. he was so kind to us, but had no idea who we were. it was heartbreaking.

JOSH BEING JELAOUS IS ONE OF THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THINGS TO WITNESS. EVER.

the guys just showed up at donna’s place. this scene is pure gold.

“YOU LOOK AMAZING”GUYS I’M DONE. I’M SO DONE. THE WAY THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER. I ADORED THEM BEFORE, BUT NOW THEY’VE BECOME THE GREATEST, PUREST AND MOST PERFECT OTP OF ALL TIME FOR ME. I’M IN SO DEEP. I CAN’T HANDLE THIS AFJSAKLFJALSFJALSKJFLASJ

Will, you precious dumb child.

sam: “hey everyone this is one of my best friends, this is donna moss” THEIR BROTP THO.

I’m gonna miss sam.

I really really wanted to see these dumb kids playing poker again. they haven’t done that since season 1. they’re adorable.

IT’S CHANDLER. CHANDLER BING IS ON THE WEST WING. THIS WILL BE AWESOMEEEEE.

listen guys, chandler is one of my all time fave characters and josh lyman is one of my all time fave characters and seeing matthew on the west wing is like a dream come true. is it just me, or does matthew perry’s voice sound a lot different, compared to his chandler voice???

OH SHIT SOMEBODY’S SHOOTING????WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?????

JOSH WAS WORRIED ABOUT DONNA. THE WAY THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER I CAAAAAN’T HANDLE I CAN’T ALFJASKLFJLASKFJLASF THESE TWO RUINED ME

I wish charlie and zoey would get bet together again.

hoynes resigning??? wth happened????

jed to toby: “come on, give us a kiss.” this is the second time he said that to him lmao

DANNNYYYYYY’S BACK. I GET SO EXCITED WHENEVER HE’S BACK. I LOVE HIM SO MUCH.

I want toby to be happy. pls andy marry him and live happily together in your dream house.

omg he’s proposing omg. oh crap, why is she saying no??? my heart breaks for toby. look, I know he’s not the easiest person to be with and share a life with but still. he has such a big heart. this is truly heartbreaking.

YOU’RE  JUST TOO SAD FOR ME, TOBY. OH MY GOD. I CAN’T.

I just laughed out loud. ABBEY’S NEW HAIRCUT??? WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL??? I’m sorry, but it looks horrible. omg i can’t stop laughing. I can’t take her seriously. abbey, sweet unicorn, what did you do with your hair and most importantly, why???????????

zoey’s going to a party. this won’t end well. I hate jean paul so so much.

ARE YOU IN LOVE WITH JOSH???? OMGGGGG AMY.

ALDJSALKDHALSHDAL WHAT IS THIS EPISODE EVEN???? ZOEY’S MISSING??? DONNA IS IN LOVE WITH JOSH????? I’M JUST LIKE ??????!111/??!??!?!?!?!?!?!

;AJF;ASJFD;ASJDF;ASFJ;ASJF;AJDF;AJF;SJF;

toby has 2 kids now. I might cry. MAZEL TOV, TOBY.

great now his MS is getting worse. SHIT’S GOING DOWN THIS SHOW IS THE BEST AND THE WORST.

I don’t think I’ve ever said it, but I love margaret so much.        

the amount of shit going down in this ep is simply too much to handle.

Glenallen Walken creeps me out. he reminds me of jabba the hut.

it breaks my heart, seeing the bartlets being so desperate and sad

it’s so good to see, that ellie is so supportive of her father.

this ep gave me chills (5x1).

this arc is so painful.

THEY’VE FOUND HER THANKS GOD

amy still annoys me so much. I gotta check which ep will be her last. according to imdb, two more eps and she’s gone for 2 years. yesssssssssssssssssssss

and now josh’s kissing her. WHY???? JOSH, SON, PLS STOP IT.

I liked cj’s old haircut more tbh.

josh meeting the moss family. about time lmao.

cj lived together for 6 months with a guy named Ben???? what???

leo’s slowly becoming a b*tch.

donna is so beautiful.

I’d love to see jed being more presidential I guess. and leo can stop being so rude to everyone.

I feel so sorry for josh. LET ME LOVE YOU, YOU DUMB CHILD.

YES CJ. YES MY LOVE. YOU’RE THE MORAL COMPASS. YES. “I NEED YOU BACK. I NEED YOU TO LEAD.” YES, CJ, YES, THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT I WANT JED TO DO.

abbey asked jed to not come to new hampshire. OMG. FIX THIS PLS. I NEED THEM BACK TOGETHER. THIS IS SO MESSED UP I HATE IT.

LEO CALLED ABBEY. SHE’S THE REAL BOSS. OMG THIS IS GOING TO BE EPIC.

it’s so good seeing jed being badass and making the tough calls. I’ve missed that.

josh bought donna a christmas gift. I’m having season 1 vibes aldjsakdjal and now she’s disappointed. but he was joking OMG THESE TWO ARE RUINING ME I CAN’T. also I need to know what the gift was.

where is ginger???

I love donna so so much.

I really don’t know where are the writers going with this rina/toby plotline.

I miss sam, danny, ginger, bruno. I miss the earlier seasons. idk something feels off. I still enjoy the show, but something’s a bit off.

okay but why is cj seeing this ben guy??? aren’t her and danny dating? or are they just that casual about it???

as I said before, tww is a very serious show, and the muppets just happen to show up at the white house. I can’t even.

[childrenofathoria-rp-blog]

◆Out Of Character Information◆

Name/Age: Katie, 22 Preferred Pronouns: She/Her Timezone: CST Desired Character: Shiva

◆Character Information◆

(1) What pronouns will your character be using? Would you like to list their sexuality at this time?: 

She/Her – Bisexual For Shiva, she has always felt a draw to the beauty of the human body, no matter what gender they present themselves as. She is one that is entranced by the outward appearance of someone, being drawn into characteristics of beautiful skin, hair, teeth, etc.

(2) Any changes or comments? Completely happy with it all.

(3) Why this character? 

The process of finding the perfect character was definitely a hard one. At first, I found myself diving into a plethora of characters while knowing Shiva was there. Shiva herself resonates with me a lot in many different ways, which put her back a little bit. I recently took a writing hiatus, having lost muse and faith in myself. It wasn’t until writing Shiva’s para sample that I began to see the beauty in her and through a therapeutic sense, I began to love her more deeply with each word I wrote.

Typically, I always write the anti-hero, making a character like Shiva one of the few on my list to write. But as I’ve been changing as a writer and as a person, I see more authenticity and reliability with a character like her. I’m excited to expand with someone much more internal than one who’s filled with a plethora of one-liners, and in the end, I think our transition together will be a quite beautiful one.

There’s a significant beauty that lies in the character of Shiva that helps you respect the way that the mind works while still getting to indulge in the happenings of a fantasy world. I think there’s so much to do with her in the future that not only involves the growth of her connections, but also her own internal and personal maturing. I’m excited to see where Shiva takes me as well as herself in with this new season. And I think together we can work and become a great duo in Athoria.

(4) Interpret this character:

Shiva has never quite felt herself, even as a child. While the truth being her species was kept from her until she was an age that understood the power behind a secret, it never quite helped the dissociation that came with being a Hybrid for her. While Hybrids cannot change like the generations that brought them to be, they mimic some of the same symptoms and skillsets, which for Shiva can come off with her mind dissociating and not feeling as though she is who’s she’s supposed to be.

Because of this, she wonders if a life as a full blood Werewolf would change her disposition. But even with that thought as a fix to one of her most nervous characteristics, she hasn’t acted upon any of this in years since the idea first came to her mind. With this being said, that is another great habit of Shiva. When she is aware of a problem at hand that doesn’t deal with work or the practice of coin making, it’s very rare that she acts upon the logical response. It’s that doubt that she is who she feels like, a wandering mine looking for something to feel right rather than to know it’s right.

While Shiva has a very small demeanor and stature, her personality is much bigger than she is. The great abundance of personality is one of the few things she can attach to, even if it truly isn’t her own. At times, it can seem as though she switches from a timid, shy mouse into a loud, overbearing woman. The change comes from her drastic inability to pin down her own personality, always wavering on the woman she wants to be.

It is this that comes in handy with her work. For the people she wants hustle from, she can bark commands like none other. But when trading or attempting to find a deal, her timid voice can win over anyone with even the bat of her eyes. This also seems to work whenever she’s on a quest to find a suitor, may it be even for one night. Shiva’s shape shifting personality is one of her best and worst characteristics.

Another big part of her character and dissociation is her habit of never being in one place for a long period of time. While she simply adores life in Dragos, she does spend lots of her time traveling to mines and finding newfound types of metals, ores, and everything in between. It’s her lust to find home even though she likes to convince herself that Dragos is just that. This feeds into the wandering soul in hopes of a Pack of which Shiva subdues with human affections rather than the root of the problem. One of the only times she is truly content and stable in herself is around the Anshega Pack. It’s there that she feels as though she is finally surrounded by people who understand her.

This comes from her childhood, especially with her mother. While she never truly had a father figure (something she blames her inability to settle down on), Shiva’s mother was always intensely direct about covering up any of her Hybrid tendencies. A lot of her abilities and skills were pushed under the rug and seen as something bad or immoral about her. For the longest time as a child, Shiva grew up with the fear that she was a monster. It wasn’t until meeting the Pack and spending time with her grandfather that she started to treasure her talents, this leading to her playing games with the men in town, winning her the position with the Mint she now has.

It’s the childish nature in Shiva that adores games, still to this day. While she couldn’t encompass her Hybrid skills at a young age, she focused most of her time on games, whether they were played with other kids or alone. Even herself has become quick and talented with shuffling cups and items beneath, something she taught herself in the spare time she had. This plays as a party trick whenever she finds herself in a tavern or pub of which she is attempting to impress an individual. The cup trick has lead to numerous conversations, rounds of drinks, and even finding herself in a few individual’s beds.

That same childish nature is the one who loves to explore and travel just as she did with moving around beside her mother. While she is searching for home, she can commonly find herself enthralled and surrounded by the customs of the places she goes. This is one of the reasons Shiva has become so connected with fashion. It works as a souvenir and reminder of all the places she’s gone. One of her favorite pieces are a pair of black leather boots she wears to work each day, something she brought home from Hala.

The need to explore is one of the things that put Shiva on a lot of her quests. Even though a lot of her traveling is for work, there are several times that she finds herself working for some extra money on the side through a series of adventures. It is these that help fulfill Shiva a bit more than her typical job. There is a part of her that longs to please others, even if it’s through simple tasks. Many of the quests she puts herself on have very little danger, but lots of travel involved. It is through this she’s met a few of her closer friends as well.

Even though travel and exploration of cultures and unique places is a big part of Shiva’s life, it’s her overall self-search that’s the greatest quest of all for her. For her entire life, she’s been after the purpose of her being that exalts working in the Mint and the person she has become. She is always hunting for that place that feels like home to her. Many of the quests and journeys she go on have an underlining search, asking if she feels as though she belongs in this spot. It’s very rare that any place she has traveled outside of Hala has felt remotely comfortable, always making her miss Dragos more than she truly does.

A big part of this quest is involved with a deep passion for physical contact, or so she believes. In her search for home, it can easily be mistake in a person rather than a place. Many times on her travels, Shiva has found herself in a plethora of mistakes by falling into the wrong bed. It’s those moments of feeling special that feed that desire of setting up a home somewhere, wanting something more permanent. But the lack luster moment usually drops the rose colored curtain at some point, filling a great feeling of disgust towards the individual she took the break from reality with. It is this reason that most of Shiva’s life has been spent with little long-term commitments, in both friendship and romance.

And though this is the main reason, many of her friends would say her lonesomeness comes from her inability of detaching work from her life. Even on her time off and on her travel, it seems Shiva is always thinking about work through peaking at different currencies, metals, and ores wherever she goes. It’s that which people think she is too career focused that no sort of romantic interest will stem, that is unless it’s with her own work passion.

Shiva’s work ethic and passion for perfection can come off as a very cold part of her personality, even though she has a deep sense of caring. With her lack of self-awareness, there are times that what she means does not always get interpreted correctly, leading in a series of wrong signals. This comes from a bit of social awkwardness due to the length of time she has spent on her own or really only with her money. Social cues are not a specialty for Shiva in the least.

PHYSICAL HEADCANONS

-Whenever she is nervous, Shiva has a tick of where she places a piece of hair behind her ear. It’s this time she uses to think about her next response, as though it’s just a normal action or part of the question.

-When she’s traveling, it’s very rare that she isn’t wearing gloves. While her job is known for the tiny scars and scratches, she has still not become accustomed to them yet and can make her a bit weak to the stomach when someone brings them up. Instead, she wears finely made gloves that receive a better-suited bit of attention.

-In conversations with new individuals or people she is trying to impress, her voice goes up in octave in sound. It’s a habit rather than a noise that appeases people. For Shiva, she thinks the lightness and airiness to her voice makes her seem more delicate, which people tend to be easier on. It’s much later in knowing Shiva that her voice goes back to its normal tone.

-Shiva is about 5’2 in height and is roughly 102 pounds. She has always been a fairly thin girl, something her mother blamed on a fast metabolism from her own body heat. It’s the small frame and inability to eat large quantities that play into whenever she begins to crave raw meat. Whenever she eats it, she usually grows weak/sick for a good week or so.

◆ Interview Questions ◆

(1) How did your immediate family end up in Dragos?

“That’s.. Well- Quite the story,” a sheepish grin grows onto my lips as I push a piece of hair behind my left ear. I have this tone that comes on whenever I speak to someone I’m rather unfamiliar with. Anyone who’s worked with me always twists and turns to the voice, as though I’ve become a whole new person. In hopes of sounding sincere or sweet, my voice raises a pitch just as it does in this moment. A rather strange habit, I think before focusing back onto the hair between the tips of my fingers. It’s always been a nervous habit of mine, one that’s grown to be just as annoying as biting my nails or the shrill of my people pleasing tone. The habit itself takes over every time a question like this pops up and no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to keep the damned hand against my side. I doubt I’m even in control of myself at this point as I blink back to the question. That sort of topic is better left for later, perhaps when I finally choose to sleep. Instead, I find that annoying voice of mine, telling a vague story with a short crook in my left lip. “Well, mother… bless her soul,” the words I say come out far more sweet than I intended them to be. “She was always moving us up and around as though she was on some sort of mission. The child in me always took it as some sort of epic love story. We were always searching for my father to be the perfect family again. I suppose that wasn’t how the story ended up,” I let my shoulders shrugged. This part of the story smells of childlike disappointment, one I would have rather preferred to push back. Instead, I let some sort of sick grin grow onto my lips, one ready to tell a secret. “Everywhere we went, my mother played a florist. It just so happened that my father was busy pushing the daisies for her.”

I stop for a moment, letting the terrible pun of a joke settle in. Another bad habit I always find myself doing without reason. The truth isn’t the easiest for me to handle, I fear. And because of it, my mind wanders for a way it can. Jokes have just always seemed to be the means, especially in this moment. Truth be told, I ended up in Dragos for a different reason. Instead of the epic love story, it was a chronicle for my mother’s ever present chronicle of keeping me safe. And while I smile, I push back the bitter taste that this memory brings. A mother’s quest for her daughter’s life is great to an extent, besides when it’s for a girl like me. So what’s there not to joke about since in the end it’s the biggest joke of all.

“It ends pretty simply. She just wanted to protect me the best way she could. Mothers never quite know what they’re protecting from, but there’s always something. I think she believed that I was in danger every time a doctor thought I was too warm or when the butcher explained that raw meat wasn’t a healthy meal to me in front of a drawn crowd of shoppers. You know, childish antics was all it was,” I let out a small sigh, bending my head to the side. It was hard to bury the truth to such a truthful question, something I want nothing more than to answer with honesty. But from what I have learned to this day, honesty is dangerous. And if I wanted to lose what I had, it was better to just suppress this story under childish ideals. “We were just a traveling freak show. It ended up Dragos liked the entertainment. Or,” I shrug. “Perhaps it was the flowers.”

(2) If you were found out about being a hybrid and it wasn’t received well for any reason, do you think living with the Pack might be the best course of action? Have you considered speaking to Alastair about it regardless?

“What Hybrid in their right mind hasn’t thought that way?” I ask, letting one brow rise above the other. It seems that the sweet, endearing tone I had has been replaced with my normal tone of voice. This is the sound all the people that work with me are familiar with; a childish voice that demands to be heard and even comes off a little threatening. I chalk it up to the fact I always act as though I have had the most experience in my life when really I’m quite a bore. There’s something people always want to listen to when you add a tinge of excitement to your words, as if you have the secret to life itself dangling in your hand.

“There’s safety in numbers,” I gesture my hands with my words as though they’d do the convincing for me. “Packs are all about safety and numbers. It’d be the place to be if I ever wanted to keep my head or sleep peacefully if that came into play. But,” a finger of mine lifts, the smile returning onto my face. “I have done a fairly proper job of keeping myself safe and hidden back. So I’d like to say my life in Dragos is a piece of cake,” I lie like I’ve figured out that secret again. Truly, I’ve actually been reconsidering the life in Dragos considered to that in a Pack, yet lying seems like the easiest escape. “I can make a life wherever I please. It just so happens that safety in numbers really isn’t my thing.”

For a moment, I let my eyes roll. I’ve heard that name brought up too many times to count, especially regarding my safety. “I’d find it rather odd if my grandfather hadn’t already attempted that route,” I sneer, the lack of satisfaction comes from someone writing my life instead of my own hand. As terrible as I might be at decisions and such, I still prefer to guide the mess of my life steadily with my own two hands. “But who knows. Anything could really happen given the time or place,” I let my hair behind my ear fall back as it seems my nerves have evaporated with this new found charisma that comes whenever I feel my life slipping between my fingers. “Though it seems like time has gotten the best of me here, really. I’ve got work to do,” I suggest, better to hint towards leaving than kicking them out myself. “You must have a very long journey ahead of you, yeah?”

◆Writing Sample:◆

TW: Mention of Self-injury, dissociation, blood, sexual themes, & bones

Her bones read vacant. It was an odd sensation in your body when your bones dissociated from the world around you, wanting to function for the skin of another yet Shiva had become far too familiar with it. Instead of prying a knife deep and handing each individual bone to the rabid dogs that lined the street as both the voice in her head and her heart wanted, there was a different precaution, one that involved getting out of bed before the latter took place. So she took the other route, not that a knife was near or dear to her at this very moment. And with the little strength she had, Shiva found her way to her feet.

The ground was cold, but that had little surprise. It had something she had become far too accustomed to that she ultimately expected whenever her bare feet touched a surface. It’d be such an experience to feel heat against her feet instead of cold, yet it was rare that anything was warmer than the touch of her skin; a consistent fever she could never sweat out. But the truth was etched across the pale skin of her toes against the floor now. She was something greater than her body could process, an overwhelming heat that always filled every stretch of skin she had. It was that untrained fever of sorts and no surface in the world could compare to the heat. So, instead it sent a chill down her spine, something she had grown to live with time and time again.

Over time, she had searched within on some quest of to look at the bright side of the reoccurring chill. If she could blend it with some silver lining, the whole ordeal could be better looked at as a blessing rather than a curse. And with that sort of agenda in mind, Shiva had decided a long way back that the chill woke her up, an ongoing phenomenon that brought the dissociation to a halt and reminded her that she was alive. More importantly, it was a reminder that connected to the self-heated skin was a person, and that person went by the name of Shiva. She was Shiva, her mind constantly reminded. How could she herself ever forget that?

Quietly and with very little effort, her eyes captured the empty dress on the floor as an object of her attention rather than the bubbling questions in her head. The way it sat looked as though all it wanted was to be filled, to hold itself close to a human body in Shiva’s mind. Clothing, especially a dress of that price had no reason to ever talk or feel, but her brain always gave objects that edge. She felt sorry for them; almost as though without her or the partially nude man behind her that their lives would be meaningless. That thought alone was something even in her adult age she couldn’t seem to bear. It was the same as a child who picked up the doll with one eye because they knew the doll needed it. For Shiva, every object, including these coins had some rational feeling behind them. How strange, she thought, a world made out of objecting empathy.

Her feet tiptoed across the wood in fear of waking the body against the bed, the one that wrote the sign of vacancy on her bones to begin with. What an odd disposition it was to crave contact of another and only feel emptier the moment it was achieved. And with that thought rolling around in her mind as the dress first hugged her small hips and then her spineless back before she rolled her eyes back toward the partially naked man covered by sheets. He looked disappointed, no shock there since he hadn’t gotten exactly what he had wanted. But, neither had she. While he wanted nothing more than for warmness to cover every limb of hers, Shiva found very little desire in giving to something that hadn’t gave back. It had turned into an odd tango of lying in one’s arms with anticipation of what would happen next before falling asleep. Lucky for her, he had given up first.

See, his bones read vacant too. It had been one of the numerous reasons she laid her eyes on him in the first place. The vacancy signs meant easy entry almost everywhere, especially when they were rested on a person rather then a place. There was this ever-present openness in their eyes, just waiting for someone to fill the vision in their mind. They had a simple desire, one that a shadow of a person ran alongside them, just asking to be filled. And as it seemed, Shiva felt nicely in a lot of people’s plans. It was the familiar face she had, one that people always claimed they had met before. And even if they had, Shiva wasn’t the type to remember every encounter. While her timid features and small demeanor typically made people believe she was much more caring than she truly was, it was very rare that a conversation outside of her work and practice made any bit of impact on her. No, when she went to bed at night, her mind thought about metal and ore, not the faces she had come across on the streets. It was a burden to not remember a name, even face, making her feel even more dissociated from her mind than the ache in her bones.

But this, no this wasn’t part of the plan as each foot slid into the shoe as she looked back to her dress instead of the man. It was easier to focus on that object empathy than the apathetic wandering of her mind’s desire to get out. If she listened to her mind, she’d be plucking her teeth with a bone from the other hand she had maneuvered out. So instead, it was that precaution again; the mindset to follow what she had arranged as a plan to a T to avoid any sort of wandering thoughts. Shiva had become quite the master of instances like this, a small shell of a woman who always left before their blood fell on the sheets of a man she could care less about. It was that empathy, really. To not ruin the sheets of someone she didn’t even care about would be too much, and even that was an understatement. With that in mind, she fell back to what she knew. The thought of this dress is nice was much better than this was a mistake, or so Shiva had convinced herself over and over again. There was compassion in the wake of one’s own personal consideration, a mastery of excuses that she had come up with to make the blow of each mistake and wrong turn a bit more tolerable. It was logical and fair for her, especially when moments like these arose.

Her hand placed against the door, letting it creak slightly for a last chance to sway her mind and to crawl back into bed. That was the craving for physicality now blooming back in her lungs, making the air sour as it touched wood instead of flesh. She had just spent a night looming about the body of a man made up of nothing other than disappointment, and yet she wanted nothing more than for him to beg to bring her back. It was sick, the need for touch, almost as sick as the dissociating rambling skull between her eyes. And with what little patience she had left in herself, she let the door swing its last break. But, just as it usually went, the man only grunted before rolling over, making the sinking grotesque sensation in her gut wavered longer.

“The end justifies the means,” her voice muttered lowly before she spoke a bit louder, her voice having a fading shake to it. “The end justifies the means.”