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avatarstories · 4 years ago

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izumi’s birthday pt 1: bad memories

AN: I had to split Izumi’s birthday up a bit. trying to fit it all in one chapter would have been just stupidly long. I will say this starts sad, and the second chapter is also sad, though more angsty than sad, but part three will be much happier and have a good resolution.

TW: character death in childbirth (in past, but mentioned), noblewomen being sucky to Izumi.

Izumi was never particularly excited to celebrate her birthday. It was a day of mixed emotions knowing that while her family celebrated her coming into this world, they were reminded of the sharp pang of losing her mother on that day as well. Nonetheless, her grandfather Iroh had insisted on throwing a party to celebrate her 17th birthday. Nobles from the outlying islands, diplomats from the Earth Kingdom and Water Tribes, and of course her father’s friends and their families who were essentially her extended family. The palace, usually quiet and peaceful (as she and her father preferred) was bustling with guests. Her father had been so busy greeting guests and addressing some Republic City business with Sokka and Aang that she had barely seen him that day. So, she decided to take a walk to his office after she knew he had finished meeting with Sokka and Avatar Aang.

As she walked down the hallway, she overheard two of the noblewomen, a governor’s wife and her daughter, visiting for her birthday festivities talking with each other in the portrait gallery.

“I just hope she won’t be like her forefathers, with the Fire Lady curse,” the mother says.

“Fire Lady curse?” the daughter questions.

“Haven’t you noticed, dear, that all of the Fire Ladies who gave birth to bad Fire Lords have died in childbirth,” the mother answers. “Fire Lord Sozin’s mother died when he was born, as did Azulon’s. Lady Ilah died when she gave birth to Ozai. General Iroh’s wife died when Prince Lu Ten came. Princess Ursa barely made it through Princess Azula’s birth, and of course you know that Lady Mai died when the Crown Princess was born.”

“It seems the spirits had it out for the Fire Ladies that brought bad men into the world,” the daughter replies.

“Indeed,” the mother says “For our sake, let’s pray it’s not an omen about our next Fire Lord.”

Izumi’s breath hitches. The mother turns and sees her. Izumi recognizes her as Lady Niko and her daughter Ichika.

“Your highness, I hope you are well,” Lady Niko says with a bow. Izumi clenches her fists. What an asshole she thinks to herself.

“Good evening,” she says bitterly.

“We were just off to retire,” Lady Niko states. If she has any suspicion that Izumi overheard their conversation, she does not show it. Izumi says nothing. “Well, good evening then.” The women bow again before walking down the hallway.

Izumi is left alone in the portrait gallery. Her father had the portraits of the imperial Fire Lords removed long ago, before she was born. Instead, they were replaced with paintings of more favorable parts of Fire Nation history. There was one of Avatar Roku, one of her grandfather taking back Ba Sing Se, of her father redirecting lightning, and most recently of her Aunt Azula discovering the true nature of fire and being gifted a dragon egg. Even still, there were not enough new paintings to replace the old, and black curtains hung in their place.

Izumi finds herself reaching out to touch the heavy dark fabric and remembers the first time asking about them when she was maybe 8 years old.

"Why are there dark curtains on the walls in the portrait gallery?” Izumi had asked at dinner

“There used to be paintings there, but I had them taken down,” Zuko explained.

“Why were they taken down?” Izumi asked.

“They were of bad men, and I did not want them on display,” Zuko explained. “I didn’t need the reminder of their poor examples. And I did not need them setting an example for you to aspire to,” he answered.

“Well, I will not be bad. Girls are not bad like boys are,” Izumi said cheerfully.

“Girls can be bad, Izumi,” Azula says.

“But I’m a girl and I’m not bad. And so are Aunt Kiyi, and Aunt Katara. They are all very nice,” Izumi states, somewhat defensively. “You are not bad.”

“I used to be bad, very bad,” Azula responds.

Zuko looks at her across the table. “You don’t have to now-”

“She’s going to have to know sooner or later” Azula cuts him off. Azula didn’t talk much about her past, and for Izumi, Azula had always been one to chastise her for being mean. Izumi could not imagine Azula as anything other her stern and wise aunt.

Azula and Zuko are having a conversation with just looks, like only people with secrets can. Izumi looks between the two of them. “Know what?”

“Izumi, I know we have not taught you much about the war yet, but during the war, I was a bad person,” Azula starts. “I hunted down your father and grandfather to try to bring them back to the Fire Nation as prisoners, I chased Bumi and Kya’s mom and dad, Sokka, and Toph across the earth kingdom, I burned Uncle, I put Suki in prison, I tried to drill a whole in the walls of Ba Sing Se, then I actually took over Ba Sing Se, I killed the Avatar, well briefly, I had your mom and Ty Lee locked in the Boiling Rock, and then when my dad tried to take over the world and told me I could be Fire Lord, I tried to kill Zuko and your Aunt Katara when they tried to stop me. Even before the war, I was never nice,” Azula finishes. She sighs “Don’t believe anything is the way it is about you because you’re a girl, Izumi. Anyone is capable of destruction.”

Izumi is quiet. She looks at her aunt, her fire bending teacher, her fiercest protector, the woman who walks her home from school every day, who brushes her hair every morning, who tucks her in at night when her dad has too much paperwork to do, who is the closet thing this motherless child has to a mother. She cannot reconcile Azula’s confession.

“Dad is that true?” Izumi asks.

“Izumi, where else would he have gotten the scar on his chest? That was from when I tried to kill him,” Azula responds before Zuko can.

Izumi does not want to believe these things about Azula. “Well, if you were so bad, then how did the family pass the People’s Approval every year?”

“We did not have People’s Approval before me. That was something I created,” Zuko explains.

“So there used to just be uncontrollably bad Fire Lords and Fire Families?”

“Yes” Azula and Zuko say in unison.

“But we’re different, we learned from their misdeeds,” Zuko finishes. Izumi pulls her hand back from dark velvet. A door opening down the hall pulls her from her thoughts, and she starts towards her father’s office. As she walks down the hallway, she cannot shake the thought that she might be predestined for destruction.

“Is he with anyone?” She asks the guard at the door when she arrives.

“No, your highness. Master Katara, Councilman Sokka, and Avatar Aang just left. Would you like me to announce you?”

“Thank you, but no need. It’s just me,” she tells him.

“Of course, your highness,” he says with a polite nod.

When she walks in her father is staring, with a wistful but melancholic look, at a small ink portrait of himself and Mai that was commissioned shortly after they were married. Her entrance pulls him from whatever thought or memory he was lost in. The thought of him sitting in here alone and thinking of her mother only augments her anger and unease, and it quickly settles in her as sadness.

“Hey, turtleduck,” he says softly and with a smile when he sees her.

“Hi,” she replies, her voice barely above a whisper.

“Sorry, I missed dinner. Sokka, Aang, and I were working on something. And then Katara came in here to tell us off for working too late.”

“That’s ok,” she says, trying to cover the sadness in her tone but Zuko notices.

“What’s wrong, turtleduck?” he says walking over to her.

“I’m almost 17, don’t you think I’m a little old for that?”

“I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my little turtleduck.”

Izumi smiles softly. Zuko was sweet father. “You were looking at that painting of mom when I walked in.”

“I was, yes.” He pauses, "I was thinking about what I would tell her about you if I could.”

“What would you tell her?” a few tears well up in Izumi’s eyes, and she tries hard to keep them in.

“Well, I think she’d be happy to know you look just like her,” he starts. “And that you like to read and learn, and there’s nothing that you can’t teach yourself how to do. She’d be amazed that you can make your Aunt Azula laugh. And,” he says tipping her chin up so that she has to look into his eyes, “she’d want me to tell you that you could confide in your father with anything just like she did.”

“I don’t want to celebrate my birthday,” she whispers. A tear rolls down her cheek, and Zuko wipes it away.

“Why not?”

“It makes me feel guilty,” she barely manages to get out. She leans forward, and Zuko pulls her into an embrace.

“Zumi, sweetheart, we’ve talked about this. You have nothing to feel guilty about.”

“What if I just haven’t done the thing I’ll feel guilty about yet?” she strains.

“What’s that supposed to mean, Zumi?”

She doesn’t want to talk about what the noblewomen were discussing in the portrait gallery, and she diverts from her last question.

“I took your wife from you. You’ve been lonely for a long time because I came into the world.”

He holds her tighter against him. “That’s not true, Izumi,” he says firmly.

“Yes, it is.”

“Sit down, Izumi.” He guides her to the red and gold couch in his office and kneels in front of her. He takes one of her hands in her lap between his own, her gaze fixed downwards.

“Look at me,” he says softly.

She swallows and looks up, a tear rolls down her cheek.

“It has been, and still is, the greatest privilege of my life to be your father. The first time I ever saw you, I didn’t think I could ever love anyone more. I would have rather died than see you get hurt.” He pauses and wipes a tear off his cheek with his sleeve, and then does the same for Izumi. “And you’re right, I am lonely sometimes, but it’s not your fault, Izumi. In fact, when I see you smile or do something that brings you joy, I wonder how I could ever have wanted anything else. So don’t you ever think that you took anything away from me because you are the greatest joy of my life.”

She cannot stop the tears at his admission. She wraps her arms around his neck and he hugs her tightly to him. He doesn’t seem to mind that his robes are getting wet from her tears. Let’s pray it’s not an omen about our next Fire Lord plays again in her mind, and now with her father’s words, she only cries harder. He had so much faith in her, and she hadn’t proven anything yet about her ability to lead.

A few minutes later when she had stopped crying, Zuko loosens his embrace.

“I hate when my little girl is upset. You know Azula used to laugh at me because I’d cry when you got hurt or when you were sick. Then one time while I was in a meeting and Azula interrupted it clearly distraught because she found out someone had picked on you at school and she wanted the swiftest punishment imaginable, and I told her, 'now you know how it feels.'”

Izumi lets out a little laugh against his robes.

“Thanks, Dad.”

“Want me to make some tea?”

“You’re turning into grandfather,” she quips, pulling out of the hug.

“I’d consider that a very nice compliment, Zumi,” Zuko jokes.

A short while later they are in the kitchens, each with a cup of tea in hand, but a darkness still sits heavy in Izumi’s heart. She knows she won’t be able to shake it off anytime soon.

AN: I love soft Dadko and protective Aunt Azula. I think it’s cool to explore Izumi’s understanding of her family and their past, especially in a way that it mixes with her own insecurities and fears. Next chapter, we get Bumi (who is actually of my favorite of the Gaang Kids, even though I tend to harp on Izumi.)

#avatarstories #fire nation royal family #izumi #zuko #azula

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fulcrumahsokaamidala · 6 years ago

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Saturday Spectacular #3

Happy Saturday!!! So this is me thanking awesome fanfic writers for their amazing work and all the time they put into their fics. ♥️ I want to recommend spectacular fanfic stories I read this week! ♥️ They are posted in the order I read them. All posts will be tagged #saturday spectacular fic rec

Drunk Cuddly Oliver by @stephswims | Arrow | WIP

Emerald Archer Martial Arts by @alexiablackbriar13 | Arrow | Complete

Summary: In May 2019, a tired Oliver Queen and four months pregnant Felicity Smoak retire from their vigilante duties and move to the redwood forest town of Bloomfield with their son William, to raise their family in peace.

Along the journey, they build their own successful companies, increase the size of the Smoak-Queen clan by a couple more, train their kids in self-defense, and live out a blissful existence.

This is the story of 7 years of their happiness and family antics, after 7 years of crime-fighting and hardship to save their city.

Semper Fidelis by @oliversmuse | Arrow | WIP

Summary: Oliver Queen is a member of the Bravo Squad, a team that specializes in search and rescue, covert infantry and translating foreign documents. He is known as one of the best and even though he is one of the youngest recruits he advances quickly. While serving he meets Lance Corporal Felicity Smoak, a young woman with skills in hand to hand combat. Despite the fact they butt heads they fall in love and soon start to talk about a future together. However, when her plane disappears on a mission in China and she is presumed dead, Bravo Squad searches frantically for her, only to find her plane and her bloody dog tags. Five years later Oliver runs into "Megan" at a coffee shop near that gym he has been running with his friends. She has lost her memory from the plane accident but has had dreams of Oliver and the Bravo Squad. With the help of his friends and team mates, can he help her reclaim her past and fall for him once again?

Airplanes, Coffee and Deadlines by @hope-for-olicity | Arrow | WIP

Summary: Felicity begins working at a national newspaper where she has always dreamed of working. On her first day, she meets a very interesting photojournalist. The two will eventually work together but sparks fly immediately.

and we're somehow caught up in a web of lies by inlovewithimpossibility | Arrow | WIP

Summary: After their encounter with the Count and Moira's release from prison, Thanksgiving is upon the residents of Starling City but when an article arises in the gossip magazines that throws both Oliver and Felicity under scrutiny, the two of them somehow find themselves caught up in the most elaborate lie they've told. What was supposed to be a relaxing week at the Queen cabin in New Hampshire for Oliver and a week celebrating Hanukkah and Thanksgiving alone for Felicity turns into a week at the cabin of acting, the Queen women and bubbling not-so-platonic feelings.

You Can't Afford Him by @quiveringbunny | Arrow | WIP

Summary: Oliver and Felicity, still strained after returning from Lian Yu following the takedown of Slade Wilson, take on roles that challenge their buried feelings when they go undercover to investigate a dangerous arms dealer. A Macau casino. A luxury suite. Suspenders. Lucky red panties. What could go wrong?

The Morning After by @stephswims | Arrow | One-shot

Providence by @so-caffeinated | Arrow | WIP

Summary: Will Queen has struggled in silence in the year since he was shot. But when a shadowy crime lord known as Domino targets the only woman Will’s ever truly loved, fate forces him to confront his demons in ways he never could have imagined… Whether he wants to or not.

Amelia Prescott has fought to take control of her life since learning two years ago that her personal and professional worlds were manipulated by others. But nothing can prepare her for just how hard she'll have to fight to set her own course, especially when her heart belongs to a damaged man and a crime lord threatens her every professional move... And her life.

Destiny brings them together, but as chaos reigns and personal demons haunt Will and Amelia both, it may also threaten to tear them apart.

(i want to) save that light by @callistawolf | Arrow | WIP

Summary: What if one little thing changed in the history of Arrow? What if, instead of going to Laurel's apartment after discovering the extent of Merlyn's plans for the Glades, Oliver stayed at the foundry and talked to Felicity instead? This series of short vignettes explores some of the ripple-effect changes that could take place throughout the next season as a result of this one, fortuitous change.

The What If Harassment Alternative by portlandborn | Brooklyn Nine-Nine | WIP

Summary: What would have happened to Peraltiago And our intrepid detectives, if Amy had reported her mentor captains ugly behaviors?

bliss within madness by @alexiablackbriar13 | Arrow | WIP

Summary: “Hey, Mia. It’s your dad,” he whispered. Pausing, he added, “Mia or Lucas. We don’t know exactly who you are yet. But I promise you, your mom and I are gonna love you to the stars and back no matter who you turn out to be. I’m gonna call you Mia for now, though.” He kissed Felicity’s stomach softly, humming under his breath at the heat coming from her skin.

give all my secrets away by LiteraLital | Arrow | WIP

Summary: Before returning to the Waverider, Sara shares a drink with Oliver and Felicity as they reminisce about old times and some secrets are revealed, old and new... Based off the 7x18 sneak peek.

let me do this by @alexiablackbriar13 | Arrow | WIP

Summary: 7x18 Spec. Mia arrives back injured from a mission and Felicity patches her up.

I'll take care of you by felicitybettx | Arrow | One-shot

Summary: Oliver finds out his pregnant wife braved not one, but two death-defying explosions while working with the canaries. He doesn’t handle it super well.

a once-in-a-lifetime love by inlovewithimpossibility | Arrow | WIP

Summary: Felicity squeals a little as he lifts her into his lap with the utmost care, nuzzling her neck before planting a few kisses there. “Oliver?”“I ordered your fries and a chocolate shake.” He tells her and Felicity grins, pulling back to grasp his face in her hands.“You’re the best husband ever.” She tells him seriously and the smile that spreads across his face makes her feel like she’s a kid again.[extended scene from the end of 7x18 - takeout, sleepy cuddles and daddy-daughter chats with their unborn miracle]

i need you to be safe by @alexiablackbriar13 | Arrow | WIP

Summary: Post-7x18. Oliver does not react very well when finding out about the danger Felicity and their unborn baby were placed in. Felicity always knows exactly how to reassure him.

Can't Help Falling in Love by @smoaking-greenarrow | Arrow | One-shot Collection

Summary: Collection of fluff fics based on Tumblr prompts! Some are angsty, but most of this is fluffy. Enjoy!

I wear high heels (she wears sneakers) by @mogirl97 | Supergirl | WIP

Summary: “Lena. It’s not just about football.” Kara waved her hands around emphatically, “It’s about school spirit and hanging out with your friends—“ Lena didn’t want to bring up the fact that she didn’t have any friends to hang out with. “—and watching me obliterate a bunch of guys’ egos and going out for celebratory Big Belly Burger afterwards.” ~A Supercorp High School AU~

for you, i will withstand the pain by @alexiablackbriar13 | Arrow | One-shot

Summary: Strange feelings of dread and hope associated with his baby's ultrasound photo prompt Oliver to make a crucial trip back in time to stop his past 2017 self from making a decision that threatens everything he's built with his family and by extension, the universe itself.

1st Night of Forever by @theartofbeinganerd | Agents of SHIELD | One-shot

Summary: Three years after the wedding that changed both of their lives forever, Jemma and Fitz are finally getting married, and officially becoming the family that they've built with Evelyn over the past few years - and they (and everyone around them) couldn't be happier about it.*The Fitzsimmons Wedding in my 1 Night 'verse, first started in 1 Night (+9 Months)*

whenever you're ready by @alexiablackbriar13 | Arrow | One-shot

Summary: Mia and William from 2040 travel back in time to 2019 to access an uncorrupted version of Archer. Oliver and Felicity investigate a break-in at the bunker only to find their children from the future bickering. Emotional confrontations and conversations ensue.

Artemis by @laxit21 | Arrow | WIP

Summary: When the Queen's Gambit sank, two people were stranded on Lian Yu. Five years later, four came back.

Daughter of the Demon by @laxit21 | Arrow | WIP

Summary: What if in 1988 while traveling through Las Vegas Ra's al Ghul bumps into a nice waitress named Donna Smoak and they have one-night stand together? A little bundle of joy named Felicity Smoak is the result. In 2014, the Demon Head becomes aware of his youngest daughter's existence.

The Ravager by @laxit21 | Arrow | WIP

Summary: Slade Wilson's plan for revenge against Oliver took time, money and no shortage of lives to pull together. His plan didn't anticipate Felicity Smoak. How will his plan change now that his lost-lost daughter is working with the very man he's trying to destroy?

The Daughter That Was Left by @laxit21 | Arrow | WIP

Summary: Before the Gambit, Oliver Queen met QC intern Felicity Smoak. When he boarded the Gambit, he left something behind. Now, five long years later someone is waiting for him.

Felicity of Themiscyra by @laxit21 | Arrow | WIP

Summary: Years ago, Donna Smoak left the island of Themiscyra and her sister Queen Hippolyta behind to live in man's world. She never told Felicity the truth about where she came from. As a result of the Undertaking, Felicity discovers some of her Amazonian abilities and makes an interesting new friend: Diana Prince.

I Scream But No Sound Comes out by @laxit21 | Arrow | WIP

Summary: When Oliver returns from Lian Yu after five years, he comes back different. What happened there damaged more than just his body. How will his friends and family deal with this new Oliver?

The Perfect Summer Day by cali-chan (girls_are_weird) | Stranger Things | One-shot

Summary: "Why didn't you go into the water with the others?""Because I want to go in with you." Joyce and Hopper take the kids on a day trip to the beach, and El helps Mike conquer one of his biggest fears. PG, fluff/romance, post-S2, Mike/Eleven.

Breathe Me In by cali-chan (girls_are_weird) | Stranger Things | One-shot

Summary: "So breathe me in so deep. Breathe me in, I'm yours to keep..." The two of them dancing through life together, as they had been since the beginning. PG, romance/fluff, post-S2, Mike/Eleven.

Carry Her Weight by cali-chan (girls_are_weird) | Stranger Things | One-shot

Summary: Something Mike had mentioned piqued her curiosity. "What's a piggyback ride?" PG, romance/fluff, post-S2, Mike/Eleven.

PB&J by @realityisoverrated-fic | Arrow | One-shot

Summary: After weeks of getting the silent treatment, Tommy tries to lure Oliver out to breakfast by sending him messages and pictures of how much fun he and Felicity are having. Oliver is still angry with Tommy and is refusing to take the bait.

#saturday spectacular fic rec #weekly fic recs

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scully-eats-sushi · 6 years ago

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I’m pretty sure that the winter of 2018-2019 will, I think, go down as the biggest period of personal change for me, and for my family, since perhaps I had my first baby way back in 2001.

I spent much of 2017 and 2018 in a pretty severe depression. After my second or third anxiety attack (possibly becoming panic attacks), I was finally ready to overcome the fear of getting help. The anxiety I felt at the idea of calling and getting an appointment for help was overwhelmed by the full-time anxiety I felt in my status quo depressive situation. I got some very good advice, and I finally made a call in the summer of 2018. I went on antidepressants. Two or three weeks later, I felt human again, for the first time in maybe close to two years.

Simultaneously, throughout 2018, I was questioning my sexuality. I had never consciously considered that I might be anything but straight. But all of a sudden, I was having fantasies about women, faceless and nameless, but most definitely women and not men. At some point, gradually over time rather than in a lightning-bolt manner, I came to the conclusion that it wasn’t curiosity, that I was genuinely bisexual.

I thought I had hinted to my husband, @mistersushiman, that I was bi. Apparently I didn’t do a good enough job of it, because when I accidentally-sort-of-on-purpose came out to him in the middle of sex one night in the fall, I thought I was just confirming in words something that he already knew. I apparently floored him, and we had a very tense, emotional couple of days. I hoped he would be accepting, and I assumed that that would be the end of it. I would have to live with the situation, loving my husband, feeling very, very lucky in a good relationship, but never experiencing that other side of myself. I was okay with that, in theory. It didn’t make me entirely happy, but I didn’t see another choice. What did I have to complain about? Nothing. I didn’t want to lose my marriage. I love him, very much.

But Mr. Sushi had a friend, R, an older gay man, who told us to test it out. For many decades, he’s known many gay and bisexual individuals and couples. Maybe I was just bi-curious, and we could figure that out and then put it behind us. We went out to burlesque. Mr. Sushi told me later that the moment he saw me watching the dancers there, he knew I wasn’t just curious. A mere week or so later, we went to a strip club. I got over my fears and started talking to strippers. Of all people, who I, as an outwardly religious woman, would never ever have expected to become friends with, some of them did become our friends. That was late December 2018 through January 2019 and into February.

It became a thing for us to do once or twice a week: go to a burlesque show or go to the strip club or to the LGBTQ-friendly bar, have a drink, hang out. We got to know a number of different dancers by name, and we learned their stories. Some of them surprised me. A couple of them have become friends. I had coffee with A, and I will do so again. She is supportive, a good sounding board, and she gives me good advice. There is some sort of attraction there, but we are just friends at this point. Another couple of dancers actually prefer Mr. Sushi to me, but they like me as well. One of them texts me every so often. Last time she sent me a picture of her dogs. They’re cute.

When we go, we sit, have a drink, and chat with one or two of them for a long time. They will often have deep conversations with us about whatever personal things (for them or for us) instead of wandering the club, looking for clients who want to buy lap dances. We have become good enough friends with a few of them that they willingly forego potentially making additional money to talk to us. It’s that kind of a strange relationship. It’s a strange life. Four months ago, I never ever could have imagined where I am now.

Back to the story of how things have dramatically changed, from the theoretical to the actual. When Mr. Sushi realized that it wasn’t just a curiosity or a minor emotional attraction, we considered R’s advice more carefully. R felt that eventually, the pressure would be too much for me, and our marriage would fail, in one way or another. He had presented another option: we have rules, and we find someone. A “third”, who must herself be single, so we don’t affect any other marriages or relationships. The rules we came to adopt mean that we have no intention of having parallel relationships. We do not shame each other. And we treat anyone we’re in a relationship with as equally (to ourselves) as possible.

We met someone. Ostensibly we called ourselves “friends with benefits”. She’s really become a girlfriend, although it’s not (yet) a long-term commitment. We don’t see her all that often. However, both of us chat with her regularly. The relationship is supportive and mutually beneficial. She likes us, and we like her a lot. Suffice it to say, it was a big shift, but after the fact, it sort of just felt normal, in a weird way. Mr. Sushi has nicknamed her “Cuddlebug”.

I want to be clear, though: our solution is not for everyone. I’m not going out and recommending it to people. Bisexual does not equal polyamorous. It does not necessarily lead to our situation, or some sort of non-monogamous relationship. It just means that our situation seems to fit for us. Having said that, I have chatted with a few other people about it, in an almost universally supportive manner. I know and understand that some people do not approve, either for reasons of it feeling morally wrong or because they fear that it feeds a stereotype. I myself would not have approved if I had thought about it just a few months ago. But I will keep telling myself that I’m still valid, as much as any other person, straight, gay, bisexual, or pan.

Anyway, the other thing is, Mr. Sushi and I have been talking off and on about what and when to tell our children. He told our second oldest child, who is 15, first, about my being bisexual. I could have done it, but Mr. Sushi thought it would be better father-to-son. And he was completely accepting of it. In fact, our son seems to have realized, much like his father, that he himself tends to be mostly attracted to bisexual girls. (Have I mentioned that Mr. Sushi has apparently only ever dated bisexual women? Not intentionally, but he has a type. Yeah, it’s true.)

Mr. Sushi’s mother died on Saturday. We had the funeral on Sunday. Over 100 people attended. He is sitting for the traditional week of mourning afterward, with family members, most of whom have left town and gone home early. He’s discovering that he has less and less in common with his siblings. His father is not doing well, but Mr. Sushi doesn’t have any real way to help him, with all the long-held anger and resentment (from his father, not from Mr. Sushi). It’s a long story. It’s amazing how family members see the family history with such very different memories. I will take Mr. Sushi over his siblings any day of the week. He is a much more kind-hearted, empathetic person than any of them.

And then just last night, Mr. Sushi told our oldest son, who is 17 and more moderately (versus mildly) affected on the autism spectrum than most of his siblings, that I am bi. In turn, our son surprised my husband (and later me, when I heard), by telling him that he thought he was gay or bisexual. What a surprise! And yet, I feel emotionally more capable of dealing with this now, much more so than a couple of years ago, when I might have been much more concerned about how this would be so hard on him, given that he already had to deal with having no friends and anxiety and autism spectrum issues. Not only that, but Mr. Sushi hinted that we had a “friend”, and our son only wanted to know that I wasn’t cheating on him with her. Once he found out that I wasn’t, he was, shockingly, accepting of the fact that we are poly. As was, apparently, our 15-year-old, who also learned of it last night. I guess there is something to be said for being non-neurotypical, where the “standard society norms” just don’t seem to apply.

We haven’t yet told the youngest three kids yet. That will come as it comes, I suppose. But I will probably tell them I’m bi, at least, pretty soon. The added complication is that our youngest two, our daughters, are in a religious school. It’s not going to be shared in the overall community, even though we have been moving away from it gradually and then rather quickly. But they have been very accepting of the girl and boy twins in the scout troop who have two mommies, and of the drag queens that they saw on “Skin Wars”. It’s nothing to hate over. It just is.

So. Major changes. This is now my life. It is a strange, surreal life, but somehow still normal, and much happier than six or twelve months ago. We have to keep talking, always talking, to avoid misunderstandings and pitfalls as much as possible. As much as it seems strange, our marriage is now more open and honest than it’s ever been.

#personal #update #this vulnerability is painful #please be kind #I'm willing to chat if respectful thanks

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preserving-ferretbrain · 6 years ago

Text

The Victim Dilemma

by Dan H

Tuesday, 03 March 2009

Dan continues to overuse the word “paradox” and to be rude about Joss Whedon~

I’m going to start with an anecdote.

One of the only times I have ever actually had my mind changed about something by the simple act of having somebody explain their point of view to me was when I found a friend of mine wearing one of those white “make poverty history” wristbands.

I never liked the slogan. I thought it was idealistic to the point of naïveté. You might as well carry a banner saying “end injustice now” or “bad things should stop happening.” What my friend explained to me, and I think he was totally right, was that “Make Poverty History” wasn’t about a directionless call for “something” do be done, it was a way of saying “poverty is a problem to be solved, not something to wring your hands about.”

If we high-minded wealthy liberals are honest with ourselves, we tend to think of Africa as “the country the poor people come from.” On some level we all believe that starvation and suffering are what Africa is for. It’s nobody’s fault that millions of people starve to death despite the fact that there is, in fact, enough food to go around, it’s just the way of the world and anyway, if people stopped dropping dead in Ethiopia, what would Lenny Henry do with his time. “Make Poverty History” was a way of saying that our usual way of thinking about poverty is, in fact, totally fucked up.

This brings us back, by a commodius vicus of recirculation, to Joss Whedon, Dollhouse and The Portrayal of Women (tm). Just to be clear here, my aim here isn’t to knock Whedon, it isn’t to make him out to be a misogynist, or to “prove” that he isn’t the great big feminist he says he is. It’s just that ol’ JW is the best case in point for what is a very, very difficult issue.

Taking the Country Out the Boy: The Issue with “Ex”

One of the things that people have identified as “skeevy” (to borrow a term from FB poster Viorica) about Dollhouse is that so far most of the women portrayed in it have been victims of some sort, the classic example here being the first episode, in which Eliza Dushku’s character is programmed with the personality of a hostage negotiator whose entire career was a reaction against the fact that she, as a child, was abducted and abused.

Others have pointed out that this was actually totally okay, because she responded to the abuse by becoming a strong, independent woman, and was ultimately able to take on her abuser and defeat him (although “she” was now Eliza, programmed with the other woman’s memories).

Now I can totally see the argument that says that a story about a woman who grows stronger in response to a traumatic experience is an empowering one. The idea that this woman took a horrific experience and made something positive out of it is arguably both powerful and affirming, and you could certainly make the case that by overcoming her abuser she ceases to be a victim.

The problem I have is that an ex-victim is, to my mind, still a victim.

Look at it this way. Virtually every procedural show (be it police, medical, whatever) has the Obligatory Ex Criminal (often also filling the role of Obligatory Ethnic Minority). The ex-criminal used to live on the wrong side of the law, but has since “gone straight” and become a cop/doctor/interstellar revolutionary/whatever.

But, when you get right down to it, their job in the series is to do the criminal stuff. They pick people’s pockets, break into places the plot needs them to get into, and generally act like the Thief in a traditional D&D party. The same goes for anybody who is ex-military, ex-CIA, ex-vampire or ex-priest, the thing which they are “ex” defines their character as completely as the thing they do currently, arguably more so. The woman Eliza gets patched into her brain in the first episode of Dollhouse isn’t a hostage negotiator who happens to be female and happens to be an abuse survivor, she’s a female-abuse-survivor-turned hostage negotiator. The character is still defined primarily by the abuse, if only because without it, the episode would be stripped of most of its conflict and therefore most of its point.

On Victimhood: The Heath Ledger Effect

When Heath Ledger died, the newspapers basically all said the same thing. He was a great actor, tormented by his personal demons, and his death was a tragic waste of a great talent. It’s the same when any actor dies, particularly if suicide is suspected. He was just too driven, too talented, too dedicated to his art. His genius was rooted in a very real darkness, and so on.

You might have noticed the use of the masculine pronoun above. Admittedly I do sometimes use “he” for gender-neutrality (there go my feminist credentials) but in this case I do mean it quite specifically.

When a famous woman dies, particularly if suicide is suspected, it's a whole different story. We are not told about her towering genius, and women absolutely never have personal demons. Instead we are told about how a poor, innocent girl was drawn all unknowing into the machinery of fame, and was helpless to prevent herself being chewed up and spat out like tobacco. Candle In the Wind makes references to Norma Jeane being “hounded,” “set on a treadmill,” “lonely,” and of course “never knowing who to cling to.” Not once does it point out that she was also quite a good actress.

Famous people go off the rails, but when a man goes off the rails, we focus on the loss of his potential, we say “has the man who did all these amazing things really come to this?” When a woman goes off the rails, we say “oh how sad, and to think she was once somebody's little girl.” When a man dies, or goes mad, or both we mourn the loss of his talent. When a woman dies or goes mad we mourn the loss of, for want of a better word, her femininity. We always think, just for a moment, how much happier she would have been if she'd just found a nice man and settled down.

This is one of those situations where I think there's Something Important here but I'm not entirely sure what it is. The problem is that, in general, women do have a tougher time of it than men, so chances are Marilyn Monroe really did have a tougher life than James Dean, but the fact remains that we remember one as a great actor whose life was cut short by a car accident, and the other as a tragic example of innocence crushed by the Hollywood machine.

The problem is that women, because of the nature of society, have slightly less control over their lives than men, and slightly fewer choices. This is a bad thing. The problem is, if you fixate too much on the (real, occasional) powerlessness of women you wind up presenting a situation where women, because of their gender, are incapable of controlling their lives, or making their own choices.

To put it another way, isn't Elton John singing “Hollywood made you a superstar,” just a little bit insulting to old Norma Jeane Mortenson?

The Paradox: Life Imitates Art Imitates Life

Much as I love dissing Joss Whedon for his various airs and graces, he's in a bugger of an impossible position.

If he ignores the victimization of women, he's not really doing his job as a “feminist,” but if he portrays it, he's only reinforcing the kind of stereotypes he's trying to fight against.

It all comes back to the problem with Africa or, to put it another way, Russell's “Superior Virtue of the Oppressed.” Put simply, we like to see other people suffer, not because we are cruel but because it allows us to feel secure in ourselves. We construct convenient fictions for ourselves – like the old classic about how blind people's other senses get razor-sharp to “compensate” for their lack of sight. We invest victimhood with virtue, and that is extremely dangerous.

Regular ferretbrainers will probably be familiar with our

Fantasy Rape Watch

feature. One of the fantasy rape clichés that I have a particularly hard time dealing with is the one you might call “Rape as Rite of Passage”. It's worryingly common in fantasy for female protagonists to get raped, and for this to form a crucial part of her development “as a woman” and contribute to her unlocking her true potential. It's just plain freaky, but it's really easy to see where it comes from.

When you are confronted with somebody who has suffered terribly, be they an abuse victim, a holocaust survivor, or whatever, one of the only ways we can cope with it is to convince yourselves that the sheer fact of their survival makes them admirable. Ironically it's a form of dehumanisation, we cope with the suffering of others by convincing ourselves that they are so inferior or so superior that we don't have to care what happens to them. The alternative is to accept just how awful, cruel and pointless the world can really be.

There is a very real danger in presenting “women who triumph in the wake of abuse” as role models or icons of female empowerment. In fact there are several very real dangers.

For a start, it passes an implicit judgement on people who survive abuse but are just plain broken by it: Eliza Dushku can get over it, why can't you? I would be interested in seeing the statistics, but I strongly suspect that in real life, being abducted and sexually abused makes you less likely to become a roaring success, not more likely. I also rather suspect that if you applied to train as a hostage negotiator and said that the reason you wanted to do it was because you were abducted as a child, they wouldn't even interview you (I understand that medical schools frequently reject people for citing “because I lost person X to disease Y” as their reason for applying).

And of course it also passes an implicit judgement on women who have just got on with their lives without having the good fortune to suffer horrific sexual abuse through which they can discover their inner feminine mojo. By exaggerating the triumphs of abused women, you wind up presenting a deeply disturbing view of the world where being raped is the highest thing a woman can aspire to. Not deliberately, of course, but in a work of fiction a woman who has merely succeeded is going to get less screen time and less audience sympathy than a woman who has succeeded in spite of abuse.

And finally, there's the sexual double standard. This one's a bit tricky, but I think it's telling that while abuse for a female character is a free ticket to sympathy city by way of prestige junction, for a male character it's just a little bit icky. I think, actually, I could get past the “abuse is empowerment” thing if it applied to men as well as to women, but when was the last time you saw a male character in a work of fiction who was abused as a child and responded by becoming a badass? A good badass, I mean, not a serial killer. And it's this that I think kills the whole idea for me.

The reason you never see an empowered response to abuse from a male character is because people find the idea of a man suffering abuse, particularly sexual abuse, wholly unnatural. Put simply, men are not supposed to be victims, and for a male character to be abused in that way violates some major social taboos in the way that the abuse of women doesn't.

And that right there is the big problem. The reason people are willing to accept the idea that abuse can be a natural part of the background of an empowered fictional woman is because on a basic level we accept the abuse of women in general as natural. Africans are there to starve so we can feel good when we send them food. Women are there to be abused and oppressed so we can feel good when we “empower” them.

Bit messed up really, isn't it.Themes:

TV & Movies

Whedonverse

Minority Warrior

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http://serenoli.livejournal.com/

at 09:41 on 2009-03-03Nice article. :)

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Arthur B

at 10:11 on 2009-03-03Oh hey

Something Awful

are getting in on the

Dollhouse

dogpile. I like the article because it includes the line "Unfortunately, Joss, no prophecy, shadow space government, or super hooker company will ever make a woman completely and exactly as awesome as your mom."

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Dan H

at 14:12 on 2009-03-03The Something Awful thing is made of win. I rather liked the line: "he is beating Echo and trying to rape her all over. He is punching her and doing rape moves at her."

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Arthur B

at 15:29 on 2009-03-03"Yo! Maybe it is you that should be raped."

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http://fintinobrien.livejournal.com/

at 17:10 on 2009-03-03I just noticed the Whedonverse category. Is he the next Rowling for you, Mr Hemmens? :D

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Rami

at 18:15 on 2009-03-03I wonder if the Western

(abuse ∨ oppression) ⇒ empowerment

thought process is at all influenced by the Catholic Church's long-held creeds of

suffering ⇒ salvation

…

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Dan H

at 21:34 on 2009-03-03

I just noticed the Whedonverse category. Is he the next Rowling for you, Mr Hemmens? :D

Not exactly. I actually really like Joss Whedon. I loved Buffy to much it cost my my degree, and I thought Firefly was awesome when it wasn't trying to Empower Women (tm).

Basically I think that Joss Whedon makes excellent TV shows, which unfortunately stop every couple of episodes to make A Point About How Society Treats Women in a gratuitous and heavy-handed way.

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http://katsullivan.insanejournal.com/

at 21:13 on 2009-03-04Your point about men not being allowed to be victims takes my mind to Harry Potter. Despite his years of abuse by Muggles, Harry never "internalizes" the abuse. He hates them right back. He's never a victim to their alienation like Voldemort or Snape - who grow up to become monsters of sorts.

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Arthur B

at 21:51 on 2009-03-04Well, that's because Harry is inherently virtuous, whereas Voldemort and Snape are inherently sinful, like

those who are not of the Elect

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Wardog

at 11:07 on 2009-03-05Kat, that's a really interesting point. I'd never really thought about Harry's abuse from that angle before - I suppose partially because horrible things happen to children all the time in children's books and partially because, at least initially, the portrayal of the Dursley's is generally played for laughs. But it does seem to fall between two stools, being neither approached seriously enough or frivolously enough (I mean, they keep him in a cupboard!) to be anything other than shallow. I know he's not a protagonist, but it contrasts rather nicely against the treatment Snape who, of course, lives his entire life as someone who has never really got over being horribly bullied at school.

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http://sistermagpie.livejournal.com/

at 01:09 on 2009-03-06

when was the last time you saw a male character in a work of fiction who was abused as a child and responded by becoming a badass?

This of course makes me think of Batman, who did not suffer abuse but had his parents murdered in front of him as a child and went on to protect others. As opposed to many female comics characters who instead get raped and then get strong to fight back. There's definitely a difference.

I remember a show years ago, I forget what it was, but there was a main character who had near-psychic ability to understand serial killers because she'd been kidnapped and held by one for months as a kid. And what annoyed me so much was not only did the experience essentially give her a super power but it was like even as a child she was clearly so awesome that that's why she survived. So now she could always look at a killer and "see" how he saw things. I imagine she'd have a hard time relating to victims.

Also on the Elect HP question, I always thought this post was interesting on the subject. It was written post-GoF so long before DH was written.

http://skelkins.com/hp/archives/000149.html

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Arthur B

at 01:24 on 2009-03-06Hmm, there was a Spiderman comic where he helps some kid who's being molested, and reveals that he was abused himself by an older cousin before he became Spiderman...

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http://sistermagpie.livejournal.com/

at 03:01 on 2009-03-06I think I remember that. Though I don't know if he says he's been molested or maybe that he almost was but he told someone? I can't remember now.

Note, of course, that it's not part of his origin story. He's not defined by it.

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Shim

at 07:49 on 2009-03-06The Dursleys thing to me brings to mind Roald Dahl, particularly Mathilda (the book, of course): the headmistress' comment that if you behave outrageously enough, the claims just sound ridiculous, seems pretty apt. The difference being that Dahl has a real talent for producing disturbing books while keeping them light enough to actually read.

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Arthur B

at 09:41 on 2009-03-06I've been inspired to

track the spiderlestation comic down

. (The rest of the Comics With Problems site is excellent, by the way).

FWIW, 4th panel of page 6 seems to imply that he was actually molested - he's objecting, but the narration notes that he was "too frightened to leave". In classic comic book style, Spidey concludes the comic by mentioning that he's actually been

haunted for years

by what transpired there, but he's now started the healing process, so we shouldn't be surprised if we never hear anything about it ever again.

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Dan H

at 12:04 on 2009-03-06Wow, loads of comments since I last logged on:

@Shimmin: I thought of the Dahl connection myself. I think the reason it works for Dahl is because it's so over the top that you accept it as metaphor. The "abuse" that Dahl's characters suffer is basically a representation of the way regular kids *feel* like they're being treated. Harry muddies the waters because we're always told that his childhood was an important test of his character, and because we have so many "real life" issues approached in the series.

@Sister Magpie: Batman is about as close as you can get with a male character (unless you count the Spiderlestation) but as you say there's clear blue water between "my parents were killed" and "I was raped". (Although TVTropes does observe that

Rape is the New Dead Parents

). If nothing else, having your parents murdered in front of you is still in the realm of fantasy violence, whereas rape isn't (which is why so many people thought that Spike attempting to rape Buffy was unforgivable in a way that

torturing people to death for fun

was not).

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http://mary-j-59.livejournal.com/

at 03:09 on 2009-03-22I know this is a bit off point, but I really hate the way bullying and victimization is treated in "Harry Potter". Snape is not a monster; he is a normal human being who, from what we see in the text, never received unconditional love from anyone and never had a place he felt truly at home, or even safe. Harry's reaction to what ought to be severe neglect/abuse, on the same level as young Sev apparently experienced, is completely unrealistic. He should not be as intact as he seems to be - not that he's altogether intact; Harry does show signs of narcissistic personality disorder, as well as being oppositional and defiant. But, if we are to take the Dursleys seriously, he should be much more scarred than he is.

Snape is deeply scarred. A scarred human being is not a monster. BTW, whatever one thinks of this character, he does a great deal of rescuing.

But, getting back to the original essay, it is a very uncomfortable idea that people should be special *because* they have been victimized. It seems almost a justification for victimization, doesn't it?

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Arthur B

at 14:04 on 2009-03-22

But, if we are to take the Dursleys seriously, he should be much more scarred than he is.

Well, that's precisely it: in the first half of the series, at least, we are not meant to take the Dursleys at all seriously. They're comic relief, or if you want to be really generous a satirical swipe at how the mediocre and conformist hold back the talented and special. (How Objectivist!)

Rowling asks us to take the Dursleys seriously at more or less precisely the same time as the series as a whole goes to shit.

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http://mary-j-59.livejournal.com/

at 18:27 on 2009-03-22Oh, I agree, Arthur! Another commentator online called the Dursley scenes schizophrenic from the outset. They - the Dursleys - are meant to be laughable, and yet, at the same time, their ignorance and cruelty are meant to show how very special poor little Harry is. It's queasy-making, really. But the schizophrenic attitude towards victims and victimization only gets worse, imho, culminating in Harry's torture scene in DH. Torture isn't bad, you see. It's only bad if the bad guys do it. Ugh!

But I will now stop hijacking this thread. Dan makes very good points, really. And the prevalance of this sort of violence against female characters in fantasy lit is worrying. But maybe, in the case of women authors especially, it reflects what they observe in real life?

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http://arkan2.livejournal.com/

at 23:30 on 2009-03-24Another excellent essay, Dan. You have such a marvelous way with words, and a marvelous way of articulating what I stumble and struggle for months to try to spit out. I quoted part of your "Make Poverty History" section in a recent argument because it was so well said.

"Admittedly I do sometimes use “he” for gender-neutrality (there go my feminist credentials)"

I don't think so. It's so common in today's society that you have to be truly anal about politically correct language to get it right all the time. We're never going to be perfect (well, not until we've made certain disgraceful human practices such as poverty and sexism history anyway), but that doesn't automatically make us completely antifeminist, or whatever. (See what I mean about being articulate?)

That Victim Dilemma is a real problem for me. As a writer, I see it as my duty both to point out the injustices in the world, and to portray the heroism of people who struggle against that injustice. And while there is something noble about men confronting violence against women, or white people standing up for the rights of people of color, that sort of stuff can slide into colonialist propaganda (people in Africa need white people to solve their problems for them)

waaay

too easily.

On the other side of the coin, you run the risk of romanticizing the poor, putting women on a pedestal, depicting the natives as Noble Savages, and so on.

However, I don't think this is an insoluble problem, especially once an author/writer is made aware of the risks.

As a possible solution to the damaged/empowered women problem, I'm going to bring in the show which I spent my last comment bashing:

Veronica Mars

. (It's kinda like

Firefly

, actually: intolerable main character who we're supposed to adore; problematic depictions of feminism (poorly executed sincere attempts at feminism in one case, excessively skeevy portrayal of feminists in the other); occasional highly questionable morals; and a couple other problems like that--while the other 90% is good-to-brilliant.)

Veronica Mars

, the title character was raped a year before the first season. Several other female characters are raped or sexually abused over the course of the series.

In Veronica's case though, it's quite clear that (like in the Spider-Man example mentioned above) she's not kick-ass

because

she was raped, she's kick-ass despite it. The other female characters are all firmly established before their sexual abuse, and afterwards, they don't become stronger or more dedicated or whatever, they try to go on with their lives and try to get over the bad experience.

(mary-j-59)

“But, getting back to the original essay, it is a very uncomfortable idea that people should be special *because* they have been victimized. It seems almost a justification for victimization, doesn't it?

Ha, well put. It's closely related to the idea that child abuse builds character.

Of course, sometimes adversity

does

make people stronger and “build character” as they say. Of course, all conscious human attempts so far to replicate such “positive” adversity to date have to my knowledge been dismal failures.

Rowling asks us to take the Dursleys seriously at more or less precisely the same time as the series as a whole goes to shit.”

Yet another spot-on observation.

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Wardog

at 10:40 on 2009-03-25Hi Mary-J - you didn't hijack the thread at all, I'm glad Open-ID is allowing you to comment.

The I-would-say-probably-inadvertent portrayal of victimisation / abuse in Harry Potter is one of the *many* problematic aspects of the texts.

He should not be as intact as he seems to be - not that he's altogether intact; Harry does show signs of narcissistic personality disorder, as well as being oppositional and defiant.

I'm never to sure what extent this is intentional - I know authorial intent is shaky ground at the best of times but I don't think we're actually meant to believe Harry has been damaged by his abuse the hands of the Dursleys.

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Arthur B

at 10:56 on 2009-03-25If Harry shows signs of NPD it's probably more a consequence of everyone in the world telling him he's the messiah (oh, and the fact that he is, in fact, the messiah) than being slapped about by comedy fatties in middle-class purgatory.

I think the big problem with the Dursleys is that, when you take away their comic relief aspects, they're basically there to plaster over a gap in the timeline. Harry's character is defined entirely by the death of his parents, the death of Voldemort, and the reaction of various characters to both of those events. This leaves an 11 year gap in the timeline where nothing actually important happens to Harry. Rowling's solution is to um and ah and finally shut him in a closet for 11 years.

Someone has almost certainly done a fanfic where Hogwarts and the wizarding world in general is just a delusion Harry has constructed to get away from the grimness of his home life (or, alternately, he's just a hopeless schizophrenic and the Dursleys actually go out of their way to help him but can't stop him running away spending months homeless dreaming of being a wizard). That would miss the point, but it'd also be pretty funny.

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Dan H

at 15:02 on 2009-03-25

If Harry shows signs of NPD it's probably more a consequence of everyone in the world telling him he's the messiah (oh, and the fact that he is, in fact, the messiah) than being slapped about by comedy fatties in middle-class purgatory.

Ah the age old question: is it narcissism if the universe really does revolve around you?

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Wardog

at 15:38 on 2009-03-25Is that a piece of fairy cake?

#Ferretbrain #Joss Whedon #Dollhouse #Heath Ledger

1 note · View note

queercapwriting · 7 years ago

Note

Okay so obviously Kara is confused because she loves Lena but Sam is just, "wow." And she talks to literally every superfriend, even calling earth one to ask everyone there. And after talking to Iris about loving two people at once she finally decides to talk to Lena. Only for Lena to burst into tears, and tell Kara, between sobs, that she thought she was a terrible girlfriend for falling for Sam. After they both calm down they talk and decide to call Sam and invite her over to talk. 1/2

Alex watchs Ruby while Sam, Lena, and Kara talk. Ruby thinks they are going to bring up how awkward she is around them and is scared. And as they sit on Lena’s couch she starts to apologize. Lena stop her and says they have something to ask her. And Kara, who has been trying to stay calm this entire time just blurts out, “will you date me, us, will you date us?” Before hiding her blush in her hands. After much talking SuperReignCorp is a thing and they celebrate with pizza & potstickers. 2/2

Maggie insists that it’s more than fine, that it speaks to a beautiful capacity to love with a huge heart.

Alex holds her until she needs to refuel with potstickers from all those tears.

She and James reminisce about how they were both in love with both Lucy and each other, and Winn tells her the full story of how he and James discovered they wanted to be monogamous together after a few forays into polyamory (that were, he insists, perfectly healthy and normal and loving and good, and so is she).

Kara has trouble believing any of them.

“You’re my family, you have to be on my side,” she bemoans before putting in a few inter-universal calls.

Cisco assures her that if Lena can wrap her mind around Kara being Supergirl – “and she figured that out in a second and didn’t bat an eye, Ms. Flew-There-On-A-Bus” – then surely she can get her head and heart – “and maybe some other body parts, huh?” – around polyamory.

Barry stammers and stumbles and Kara can practically hear him blushing from all the way in her universe, but he splutters out supportive words until Iris grabs the phone from her husband.

“Talk to me, Kara.”

And so she does.

Because Iris and the rest of the crew from Earth One is her family, too, but in a different way than her family here. They don’t see her every day.

If she’s a terrible person for falling for Sam while she’s dating Lena, maybe Iris will be the only one brave enough to tell her.

Except, she doesn’t.

Instead, she just listens while Kara’s rushed words become broken sobs, mmhmming in all the places Kara would expect her to express disgust or anger, because this is Iris West-Allen, after all: the woman the history books will paint as both reporter extraordinaire and superhero of her own and, of course, Barry Allen’s – presumably monogamous and not-at-all-a-terrible-girlfriend-like-Kara-is – wife.

“Are you done?” Iris asks gently when Kara’s words run out, and even through her trembling disbelief, Kara can hear Iris’s soft smile. She wonders vaguely if she reminds Iris of Barry; Maggie always says the two of them are pretty much the same person, except Kara doesn’t mess with the timeline constantly (at which point Barry always playfully shoves her, and promptly stumbles when Maggie shoves back before scooping him into a hug).

She nods before realizing Iris can’t see her. “Yeah, that’s about it. I feel stupid for being so upset about this, though. I saved another jetliner from crashing yesterday. Two hundred seventy-three people on board. But give me a crush on a woman who’s not my girlfriend, and…”

“Sometimes it’s the littler things that put grief in the sharpest perspective, honey,” Iris reminds her, and Kara nods again, hanging onto her friend’s words eagerly. “And look, we can have a really long conversation about this – several, actually, and I’m sure we will – but Kara, I promise you’re not doing anything wrong. You…”

Kara hears Iris sigh, and Kara’s superhearing detects the sound of her taking Barry’s hand, even across the universes. “Not that you’re only valid if you have something in common with me, but… you know how long I’ve crushed on Oliver Queen, right? And Barry knows.”

Kara hears him mutter something about doing the salmon ladder fifty-eight times in the time it takes Oliver to do it once, and all three of them chuckle.

“Barry knows, and he knows I love him, too.”

“But you’re not with Oliver. You don’t want to be with Oliver.”

“Well hell, you need another example? If your sister were single or poly, Kara, I would – “

“Whoa whoa whoa, okay, okay, can we focus on me?” Kara screws up her eyes, because she doesn’t need to imagine her friend and her sister and her sister’s wife doing… all that.

Iris laughs and sighs again. “Talk to Lena, Kara. Your love for Sam doesn’t make your love for Lena any less real or any less important. If you were to – both of you – bring Sam into your relationship, would you treat Lena any less well? Show her less love?”

“Of course not!” Kara’s spine stiffens in indignation, and her courage starts to return.

“Exactly. Talk to her, Kara. And hey, while you’re at it, find out if Alex – “

“Goodbye, Iris!” Kara hangs up quickly, to the sounds of both of their laughter.

It turns out, later that night, that talking to Lena about it was easier than she’d anticipated.

Because, apparently, Lena’s been feeling the same way.

She’s sobbing in Kara’s arms well before Kara can finish her thoroughly memorized speech (practiced, of course, while practically pacing a hole into the floor, with Alex).

“I’ve been so scared, Kara. I -- “

“What, have you felt it? My thing for Sam? Because Lena, it doesn’t mean I love you any less or -- “

“No, gods, Kara, no, I... I’ve been terrified because I thought I was the one being a horrible girlfriend, a horrible person. Because I’ve known Sam for years, and I’m with you now, and I’m happy with you -- happier than I ever thought a Luthor could be -- but now I... I’ve been falling for her, and she’s supposed to be my friend, and you’re supposed to be my girlfriend, and I’ve been too scared to say anything.”

Kara blinks rapidly for several moments before kissing away Lena’s tears and soothing stray hair back behind her ears.

“Hey,” she whispers, pressing their foreheads together and kissing her lips softly. “Let’s never be scared to tell each other anything again, okay?”

Lena smiles weakly, eyes still teary. “Okay.” She sniffles. “Now what... what do we want to do about our... feelings?”

It takes them a few weeks to talk everything through. To check in with themselves, with each other. To set boundaries and to confirm what they’re open to and what their contingency plans are if any unexpected feelings come up. To figure out how the hell to bring this all up with Sam.

In the end, they wind up inviting her to Lena’s to talk, and when she gets there, Sam is a hand-wringing, heart-pounding mess.

“I dropped Ruby off with Alex, and um, I brought pizza and potstickers,” she splutters, eyes a little wider than normal. Kara hears her elevated heartbeat and wonders if somehow she knows what she and Lena want to discuss.

“Come sit,” Lena offers, kissing her cheek -- it’s a casual, familiar gesture, but tonight, it feels like fire -- and gesturing her toward the couch as she takes the food and sets it on the counter.

Kara refrains from eating it all in one gulp, a testament to her own nerves.

But her nerves have nothing on Sam’s.

She chatters aimlessly about Ruby’s school and L-Corp’s latest office drama, hands still wringing nervously.

It only takes a few minutes for Sam to interrupt herself in the middle of a story about Jess the Secretary. “Did you want to talk about -- I’m sorry, I know it’s been different, between you and I, lately, Lena. And it’s not because you two are dating, or because... well, it -- I know I’ve been awkward, and I don’t mean to be, I’m sorry, I -- “

“Hey, Sam, no,” Lena shakes her head and covers Sam’s hands with her own gently. Again, a familiar gesture, tonight charged with electricity. “No, you’ve done nothing wrong, alright? Kara and I, well, we just wanted to ask you something. Something exciting, if you want it to be, but... but if you don’t, well, we both love you and it’ll be just fine, so please don’t feel any pressure to say -- “

“Will you date me? Us? Will you date us?” Kara blurts suddenly, taking in Sam’s dropped jaw and Lena’s bemused smile just before hiding her blushing face in her hands.

“That wasn’t how we were supposed to ask,” she groans into her palms, and when a gentle hand touches her thigh comfortingly, she expects it to be Lena’s.

But it isn’t. It’s Sam’s.

“Hey,” she whispers, and the index finger the guides Kara’s chin out of her hands is also Sam’s. “Kara, it’s just me. It’s just us.” She gestures with her head toward Lena, whose eyes are now wide with more hope than nerves. “You’re okay. And I’m... I’m glad you asked. I... that awkwardness I was apologizing for? I thought you guys were gonna call me out on it. But it’s just because I... I didn’t know how to bring up this conversation, either.”

“But it’s... one you’ve wanted to have?” Lena asks as Kara lets her hands drop away from her face and into Sam’s grasp.

“Yeah,” Sam says quietly. “Yeah, it is.”

Kara starts to float without realizing, and it’s that, more than anything, that launches the three of their laughter, that breaks the ice, the tension, the nerves that bordered on terror about ruining everything.

Instead, they spend the night eating pizza and potstickers and figuring out how to create... everything.

#supereigncorp #supercorp #supereigncorp minific #supercorp minific #sam x kara x lena

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anguianobrodan90 · 4 years ago

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Can You Save A Marriage After Emotional Abuse Wondrous Useful Tips

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What Can We Do To Save Your Marriage

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#Can You Save A Marriage After Emotional Abuse Wondrous Useful Tips #Save One To Many Relationship

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devilssnarerp · 8 years ago

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As a young child Kiri was constantly laughing and joking around with her brothers and mum. She was a free spirit who hated being told what to do and had a hard time following rules. She was an avid learner, anything that interested her from a funny shaped cloud to the history of the long-dead muggle Roman empire, and on almost any given evening would have to be dragged out of some tree or another where she had settled herself with a book. Three older brothers made her tough and, accident-prone as she was, there was never a time when Kiri was without at least one visible cut or bruise from the time she was a toddler. Each year as her brothers got older she watched them go off to Hogwarts and though she loved and missed them terribly for a while, she eventually grew apart from the boys who were once her best friends in the world. Still, she had always been sweet at heart and made new friends easily, and on those days when she played only with herself, she rarely felt truly alone.

When Kiri got older and lost her mother, her outgoing personality changed greatly. The heartbreak of losing the person she loved most in the world crushed her, and once her father and brothers proved how little they cared for her, Kiri withdrew into herself completely. She became shy and very introverted, rarely speaking to anyone, instead preferring the company of the family peacocks her grandmother was said to have adored. Still, as different as she seemed to other people, Kiri believed herself to be the same sarcastic, stubborn, fun-loving and slightly rebellious girl she had always been. While she didn’t love to play the sport herself - heights were so not her thing - Kiri loved to watch the quidditch games between her brothers; they may have ignored her presence for fear of their father finding out, but they couldn’t stop her from laying on the grass below them while they tossed around a quaffle. It relaxed and invigorated her at the same time, and it’s a love she’s held on to throughout the years.

Once at Hogwarts and away from the house that was still haunted by the ghostly memories of a family that once loved her, Kiri began to relax a little, back into her former self. While still a bit on the quiet side, she was no longer a timid little girl afraid of an angry father. She had grown much more into herself, and finally been able to accept herself for who she is; Kiri knew she would never be perfect, but she liked who she was and that was okay. Yes, she stole and cheated and lied when she needed to, but she did what she had to to get by. It had been a long time since she had learned the harsh lesson that when it came down to it nobody was going to look out for her except herself, so she took her caring and sweet side and buried it as best she could under layers of indifference and hardness, only letting her true self show through to the few friends she cared about enough to risk exposing her weaknesses to. It’s those moments when she’s in the company of her new little makeshift family that she’s constantly smiling, laughing, and bubbly as she was when she was a little girl.

Kiri grew up on a rather large family estate in the outskirts of Northampton, England with her parents and brothers. Though her father worked seemingly endless hours at his job in the trade of high-priced foreign magical objects, she had a fairly normal childhood - a loving mother, three rough-and-tumble older brothers, and as much play time as she could possibly fit in. Their home was located in a muggle community so Kiri grew up with tutors rather than attending a public school, where she would be forced to keep quiet and shrug off the questions about the odd things people had seen when passing the Camden house; as extensive as the grounds were, daring children were prone to climbing the high ivy-covered walls to spy on the mysterious family within, and every so often one would catch a glimpse of a stray bludger or the rugs shaking themselves out on the back porch. The last thing the Camdens wanted was for their children to have to grow up lying.

While they were instructed to give a wide berth to their neighbours, Kiri and her brothers spent many weekends attending parties at the homes of their parents’ friends and coworkers. There they got to socialize with other kids, make friends outside of each other, while the adults discussed what could only be boring topics. It was at one of these parties, when Kiri was ten years old and her brothers had long-since been sent off to Hogwarts, that her life changed forever. She was playing with some of the little toddlers when her mother came and dragged her quickly away, returning to the family home without her father. Kiri was thoroughly confused, but did as her mother asked and packed a bag full of clothes, but before she was halfway done she heard the crashing of furniture and delicate decorations downstairs; running to the stairs to see the cause of the commotion, she witnessed her father standing over the very still body of her mother, splayed awkwardly on the floor. Afraid and unsure what had happened, Kiri ran back to her room and hid. What seemed like hours later her father came to find her, and coldly told her that her mother had left them, and was never coming back.

The next year was the loneliest of Kiri’s life. He brothers were gone, and no matter what her father said she knew her mother would never have left her. She had seen her mother lying on the floor, and young as she was there was no doubt in her mind that her father had murdered the only parent she had ever really known. He ignored her now, bringing in a full time nanny to take over the caregiving Kiri’s mother had once provided, and never stayed in the same room as her for longer than he had to. For a while it bothered her, this sudden abandonment for reasons unknown, and she cried herself to sleep for weeks on end. There had never been any real closeness between Kiri and the man who raised her, but the fact was he was her father.

And then he wasn’t.

After months of feigned sleep and ears pressed to doors, Kiri managed to piece together enough of the story to satisfy her curiosity, and cast aside any love she still felt for the man she had lived with for the first 11 years of her life. Around a year before she was born, the Camdens had joined some sort of social group dedicated to the purification of society; of what, she didn’t know. That was about the time her father’s business really picked up and he began spending more and more time away from his family. Her mother continued to go to the parties with her sons, and then she began to go alone, and stay very late into the night. When Kiri was born her mother ceased attending the events, devoting her time instead to the newborn child, her first daughter. Over the ten seemingly normal years that then passed, Kiri’s father had grown suspicious; he had been away for months during the time the girl would have been conceived, and even with his wife’s protesting that Kiri had been born very premature, she had weighed a perfectly average 3,000 grams. On the night of her mother’s death, some new detail had apparently come to light about just how many late nights Mrs. Camden had spent with the social group all those years ago. Kirianna Camden had been born out of an affair kept secret for over a decade, and the man she thought was her father disowned her for her mother’s crime.

Out of what little love he had left for her, Kiri was permitted to continue living in his house, though that was as far as his affection went. If she spoke too much he would lash out at her, either with harsh words or, occasionally, his fists. She never knew what he said to her brothers, but as time went on they played with her less and less. The books in her family’s rather large library became her only friend, and the once beaming, bubbly little girl became quiet and timid, afraid to say the wrong thing. The week of her 11th birthday brought her a letter from Hogwarts, and she couldn’t have been happier. Mr. Camden, no doubt relieved he would no longer have to look at her, gave her enough money to buy her school supplies and sent her on her way. That was the last time she saw him for two years.

From the train window on September first, Kiri waved only to her nanny, who had come to see her off. The kindly old woman had tears in her eyes at seeing her young charge off on her first great adventure, but the girl felt nothing but excitement. Hogwarts was the unknown, sure, but it couldn’t be worse than the home she was leaving behind, full of ghosts of her mother and the father she once thought loved her. This was a chance to reunite with the old friends she had once played tag with at their parents’ parties, make a name for herself, find out where she belonged - she had to belong somewhere, and it sure wasn’t with the family she had grown up with.

Over the years Kiri spent every holiday either at the castle or with her friends’ families, returning to her own home only for the summers, wherein she did her best to avoid her brothers and father as best she could. The easiest way to do this seemed to be by venturing out into the muggle world, spending time at their library reading their strange, non-moving books, and watching their children play odd sports on the weekends. Over the summer she turned 15 she even went as far as to get a job at a local restaurant, where she learned how to cook a bit and, more importantly, how to blend in with muggles. The pocket money she earned over that summer and the next bought her a cat she could take back to school with her. It wasn’t much, but the cat became her own little family and a great comfort to the girl who had lost everything she thought she loved.

(I.) Despite finding out that her father was not actually her father, Kiri has yet to discover the man she is actually related to. On those days when she finds her mind wondering toward that missing piece of her history, she does her best to convince herself that it doesn’t matter. Perhaps he would love her and take her in as his own, but perhaps the opposite would be true; maybe he has a family now, one that he won’t want his little accident child ruining for him. No, she continually convinces herself, she has grown accustomed to being alone, she has her friends and her cat and that is all the family she needs.

(II.) Kiri’s three brothers (Grantham, six years older; Osias, five years older; Rhodri, four years older) were once her closest friends and some of the people she loved most in the world, but after the death of their mother and the discovery that they didn’t share the same father as they’d always believed, the boys were forced to disown Kiri as their father had, in order to remain in his good graces. Since then they haven’t spoken to Kiri much, even once they had moved out of the family home to being their lives as adults. Kiri is unsure whether they are aware that their father murdered their mother, and is too afraid to ask. None of them have never tried to make contact with her since leaving Hogwarts and moving out on their own, and Kiri sees no reason to initiate contact herself. As far as she is concerned, they are not her real family.

(III.) With her fifth year booklist came a shiny new Hogwarts prefect badge, something she had not at all expected. Responsible, yes; reliable, yes; but Kiri had always believed herself to be concerned with herself first, and others far second. With the exception of her friends, she really didn’t bother herself with worrying about the well-being of others, and Lord knew she had always seen rules as more of guidelines than anything else. Still, she reasoned with herself, perhaps the point of making her a prefect was to turn that around and force her to care about others, and the rules. Her first year as prefect was a breeze, though probably not what the Headmaster had hoped for when he chose her; she had a tendency to let her friends and housemates get away with more than they should, and frequently neglected her duty by skipping the mandatory meetings and patrols. For her sixth year Kiri has vowed to be better, if only to look a bit more appealing for her future employers and give her something to do.

(IV.) Kirianna was named for her mother’s grandmother, an incredibly accomplished healer who had travelled the world for most of her long life in search of new herbs with magical healing properties. Young Kiri grew up hearing hundreds of stories about her amazing great grandmother and the exotic places she had seen, which is a main reason why Kiri has always craved adventure. Unfortunately, she never got the chance to meet her namesake and idol, the old woman having died on the very same day young Kiri was born at the ripe old age of 123, but her mother made sure Kiri knew her great grandmother had wanted her to use her wand in the hopes that it would bring the girl good luck in her travels.

#rp #rpg #roleplay #role play #next gen rp #kirianna camden #kirianna #camden #all #female #slytherin #sixth #6a #6t #st #sa #fa #ft #taken

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lawrencecain · 4 years ago

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How To Get Back With Your Ex Sims 3 Best Unique Ideas

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This never works, and most importantly, don't worry.Express your deepest love in the long run will inevitably lead to the split.You can't risk having her in your head what happened did, and ultimately it causes you to add another person to be basically abandoned by the hand and shown what to do whatever you need is steadfast determination, patience and change.Tell her instead that you still care about you, then stop telling him why you want to use your body, how to get back together, there can always repeat the love life with oils of appreciation and genuine apology.You as his reasons for breaking up with more heartbreak, but often there is always the best parts of getting back together with their man?

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relationshipadviser-blog · 5 years ago

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Is sex the answer to your relationship woes?

New Post has been published on https://relationshipqia.com/must-see/is-sex-the-answer-to-your-relationship-woes/

Is sex the answer to your relationship woes?

Michele Weiner-Davis, the marriage-guidance counsellor, explains why she thinks having sex even if you dont feel like it is the foundation of a happy relationship

Is sex the answer to your relationship woes?

Sex

Inner life

Is sex the answer to your relationship woes?

Michele Weiner-Davis, the marriage-guidance counsellor, explains why she thinks having sex even if you dont feel like it is the foundation of a happy relationship

Amelia Hill

@byameliahill

Sun 21 Jan 2018 01.00EST Last modified on Sun 21 Jan 2018 09.52EST

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Just Do It. Your partner will be grateful, happier and therefore nicer, too, says Michele Weiner-Davis. Illustration: Andrea De Santis/Observer

How does it make you feel when your partner is cold and distant? Or when theyre critical and prickly? Does it make you want to rip their clothes off, order in a vat of whipped cream and install a chandelier to swing from?

No? Well theres your problem according, at least, to Michele Weiner-Davis, the marriage-guidance counsellor whose Ted talk explaining her unconventional advice to warring couples has been viewed almost 3.5 million times online.

Her advice couldnt be simpler: shag. Do it even if you dont want to, do it especially if you dont want to and, most important of all, do it frequently whether you want to or not. To make it even clearer, shes borrowed one of the most famous advertising slogans of recent times: Just Do It. Your partner will be grateful, happier and therefore nicer, too, she explains from her clinic in Colorado. Its a win-win situation for both of you!

Weiner-Daviss self-confessed zealotry for marriage has its roots in the moment her mother blew her teenage world apart by announcing that her seemingly perfect marriage had been a sham for its 23-year duration. She was 16 at the time, and says she wasnt the only one who didnt recover from the bombshell: her mother never remarried and her two sons rarely speak to her.

The experience, says Weiner-Davis who states that her greatest achievement is her own 40-year marriage was transformative. She became a staunch believer in the fact that most divorces can be prevented; that the relief of a post-divorce life is temporary but the pain of divorce is permanent; and that if couples put enough work into staying together, they can fall back in love and live happily ever after.

Over the years, Weiner-Davis has honed her message. Shes now stripped it back to what she believes is the essence of a successful marriage. Gone is any therapeutic consideration of a couples history; of their emotional travails; of cause and consequence. Now she is entirely one-track minded: no matter how appalling the state of a marriage, she believes that kind, generous and frequent sex can bring it back from the teetering edge of collapse.

Her realisation was hard-won. For decades, I was in the trenches with warring couples, she says. But there were times when I was not too effective. I realised that there was a pattern to the times Id failed. There was always one spouse desperately hoping for more touch and because that was not happening, they were not investing themselves in the relationship in other ways.

Weiner-Davis stopped focussing on the couples difficulties from an emotional angle and addressed them exclusively as sexual problems. that when the so-called low-desire partner who is, she is at pains to emphasise, just as likely to be a man or a woman was encouraged to have sex they didnt particularly want, not only did they end up enjoying themselves but the high-desire partner became a much nicer person to be around.

I heard the same story from my clients so often that I did some research, she said, and found several different sex researchers who confirmed what I was finding: that for millions of people, they have to be physically stimulated before they feel desire.

Armed with this new theory, Weiner-Davis began encouraging her low-desire clients to be receptive to the sexual advances of their high-desire spouse, even if they werent feeling up for it. I found that unless there was something a lot more complicated going on, she insists, there were usually substantial relationship benefits to making love with your high-desire partner.

She rejects any suggestion that shes advocating a sexually subservient, anti-feminist, lie back and think of England approach. In fact, she says this is the embodiment of female empowerment.

Its not just telling women to spread their legs, she insists. This is not just about sex. For a high-desire spouse, sex isnt usually about the orgasm: its about someone wanting to feel that their partner desires and wants them. Im hoping that women will feel empowered that they are getting their own needs met through understanding their partner.

No still means no, she says. But it helps to not just say no. Instead, explain why you dont want to make love, suggest a later date and ask whether theres something you can do for your spouse right now instead. But heres the deal, she adds: There had better be a whole more Yess or Laters than Nos because if the Nos win, it leads to the problems I have been talking about.

Weiner-Davis points out that while its commonly accepted that couples should make all their important family decisions together, when it comes to sex, who ever has the lower sex drive makes a unilateral choice for them both. And, just to rub salt in the wound, she adds, the disenfranchised, high-desire one is expected to stay monogamous. No wonder, she says, they get cross.

I mention Weiner-Daviss theory to some female friends of mine. The overriding response is: Oh God, not another thing for my To Do list! Weiner-Davis is quick to condemn this response. Imagine if, when a woman said she wanted to have more intimate conversations or a date night, her husband said: Its just one more thing on my To Do list! For a high-desire spouse who experiences love through touch instead of quality time, its exactly the same impact. Ive had grown men crying in my office, crying about the sense of rejection they feel from their low-desire wives.

I then regale her with the experience of a friend whose husband had started his own business which quickly went catastrophically wrong. The family finances were in peril and he couldnt cope. His wife stepped in. Alongside her own job and while juggling the childcare, she worked late into the night for weeks to stabilise their security. During this time, she was scrupulous in not blaming her husband, either explicitly or implicitly.

With crisis narrowly averted, the stressed and sleep-deprived wife realised her husband was being snippy and sulky. When she asked what was wrong, he exclaimed: We havent had sex for weeks! Surely, I ask Weiner-Davis, this shows that not all demands for sex should be met with her Just Do It ethos.

Not at all, she says. This woman knew his ego needed to be protected and tried to do that by not blaming him for his mistakes. But it sounds like the bigger statement for him was: Am I still a man and do you still desire me?

But its the selfish, uncontrolled behaviour of a spoilt child, I insist. Weiner-Davis doesnt disagree. Women often say that they feel they have three children instead of two children and a husband, she admits. But the fact that this husband was telling his wife what he was feeling sad about is a really good sign: some people throw in the towel.

Is the deal explicit, I ask, does the low-desire one say: OK, well make love more often, but then you have to turn your iPhone off every once in a while so we can actually talk?

Yes and no, Weiner-Davis says. This isnt about keeping score. Relationships are not 50:50. Theyre 100:100. We have to take responsibility for doing everything that it takes to put the relationship on track even if youre not getting the response you want initially. Thats really hard.

Its about asking yourself, she says, when he or she speaks and acts badly, whether its because you have not had sex for four weeks. Is their anger actually about feeling hurt and rejected? If it is, the low-desire spouse needs to be more sexy even though they will not want to do this. And the other one needs to ask themselves when the last time the couple spent quality time together.

On the other hand, Weiner-Davis admits there is a limit. Id say that after several weeks, if nothing has changed in terms of reciprocity, then the couple do need to sit down and identify whats missing in their relationship for each of them and what they would like to have.

Michele Weiner-Daviss cure for a sex-starved marriage

If you have a low sex drive try to adopt the Nike philosophy and Just Do It!, even if you feel neutral towards having sex at that moment.

If youre the one with a high sex drive, try to discover the way your partner wants to receive love. Its typically through quality time, words of affirmation, thoughtful, practical acts of caring and material gifts.

If you dont want sex at a particular moment, explain why and suggest another specific time – and ask whether you can do something else physical at that moment for your partner instead.

If you have a higher sex drive than your partner, try to empathise with them and accept they might never want wild or creative sex, but see the increased level of intercourse as a gift showing their love.

Remember theres no daily or weekly minimum to ensure a healthy sex life. As a couple you need to work out together what works for you.

Read more: http://www.theguardian.com/us

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mysteriouslyzealouspandalov-blog · 5 years ago

Text

Is sex the answer to your relationship woes?

New Post has been published on https://relationshipguideto.com/must-see/is-sex-the-answer-to-your-relationship-woes/

Is sex the answer to your relationship woes?

Michele Weiner-Davis, the marriage-guidance counsellor, explains why she thinks having sex even if you dont feel like it is the foundation of a happy relationship

Is sex the answer to your relationship woes?

Sex

Inner life

Is sex the answer to your relationship woes?

Michele Weiner-Davis, the marriage-guidance counsellor, explains why she thinks having sex even if you dont feel like it is the foundation of a happy relationship

Amelia Hill

@byameliahill

Sun 21 Jan 2018 01.00EST Last modified on Sun 21 Jan 2018 09.52EST

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Just Do It. Your partner will be grateful, happier and therefore nicer, too, says Michele Weiner-Davis. Illustration: Andrea De Santis/Observer

She rejects any suggestion that shes advocating a sexually subservient, anti-feminist, lie back and think of England approach. In fact, she says this is the embodiment of female empowerment.

Is the deal explicit, I ask, does the low-desire one say: OK, well make love more often, but then you have to turn your iPhone off every once in a while so we can actually talk?

Michele Weiner-Daviss cure for a sex-starved marriage

If you have a low sex drive try to adopt the Nike philosophy and Just Do It!, even if you feel neutral towards having sex at that moment.

If you dont want sex at a particular moment, explain why and suggest another specific time – and ask whether you can do something else physical at that moment for your partner instead.

Remember theres no daily or weekly minimum to ensure a healthy sex life. As a couple you need to work out together what works for you.

Read more: http://www.theguardian.com/us

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postsonfantasy · 6 years ago

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10 Tips on Open Relationships

My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly 20 years, so when asked how we get along so well, that's probably the best explanation. We're not even really super-open folks... we "swerve" around more than swing and we really don't make a huge effort to be wild "open" people. But since we've both been asked so many times in so many ways how we make it work so well, here's what I've got... but by no means do I consider myself any sort of an expert on this, I don't study this subject, and I'd really love more input, ideas, etc. There aren't many guides on how to have an open relationship and most of the ones I've found are scripted "swinger" sorts of things that really focus on sex and not on relationships, and don't quite match the magic that we have found ourselves by just "letting things happen." Also, take any sort of "advice" on this subject with a HUGE grain of salt, everyone has a different experience and by no means should you ever make major life decisions based on anyone's advice but your own. For your consideration, however, I'm posting this... its what has worked so far for us and I consider my experience useful because I'm about as insecure and straight as they come... which probably represents a good percentage of women considering the open relationship strategy. To me, an Open Relationship is as follows: you always have your "steady" who knows you better than the whole world, but you can "play" around with other people who understand how this works, and it actually makes your relationship happier and more fulfilling. I believe there is an "Open Gene" just like there is a Gay Gene. Really, I do! You may or may not have the "Open-ness Gene" in your personal chemistry or in your current relationship. I am discussing generally hetero relationships only for simplicity, but the same general principles should more or less add up for gay relationships too... there's just too many "his/her/he/she" instances for me to make sense. I think the "Open gene" is a little different for women and men: in women, the gene actually makes them mentally more like a dude... it requires them to be more empathic towards their sig. other, and ultimately enables them to detach the ego from sex and things leading to sex, thickens their soft skin against insecure feelings of betrayal or rejection, and focuses them instead on pursuing their own fantasies and self-love. (Mind you, this idea is coming from an otherwise totally insecure high-maintenance Princess, so that I have concluded this is kind of freakishly awesome, and the only reason I'm capable of this is my strong empathic nature: because I am really good at "feeling others' pain/pleasure", it enables me to actually get turned on when my boy is having it off with someone else. Outside of this area, I am probably one of the most insecure, unstable, totally girly people I know). The reason the gene manifests differently for women is that we have some extra layers programmed over it... we generally have learned more insecurities and body image problems, and most of us aren't sexually confident or aggressive enough to overcome that, even when its for our own pleasure. Sometimes, these issues block our ability to empathize with our lover. If a girl discovers her guy scoring with the Swedish bikini team and it makes her horny and oddly proud, then she's open. If it makes her feel ugly and rejected, she's either not open or she has HUGE insecurities getting in the way. In men, who generally know more directly what they want, the gene manifests itself more simply. A guy with the fully developed open gene delights in his lady taking charge of her fantasies and pursuing happiness, rather than considering her his "claimed territory." If a guy sees his lady gasping in ecstasy with someone else and his first thought is an erection and not a fistfight, then he's open. If it makes him start that fight and yet he still wants to chase after other gals, then his real agenda is claiming as many females as possible and he's not really open either. He's just a caveman on the prowl, trying to claim as many females as possible and dominate the gene pool. In essence, he is lacking that important empathy that makes this work. Yikes, that was harsh. OK, this is hard to explain! Let try another way: If you are often simply and genuinely empathically happy when your partner finds sexual joy, no matter what the circumstance, regardless if you are involved or receiving equal joy at the time, then you _definitely_ have the gene. If you are not empathizing with your lover's pleasure, and instead you find yourself tangling sex up with all sorts of hangups, (i.e. constantly comparing yourself to people your partner wants, holding him or her responsible for all your sexual happiness, or otherwise interpreting his or her desires as affronts to your self or your own attractiveness), then you may just not have that gene. Hopefully, if you're having problems being open, you just might need to free it up -- you may need to do some deep dives to fix up your self-esteem and figure out what really turns you on. When either party starts consistently, repeatedly setting/enforcing a particular boundary on the other, this means (IMHO) that the empathy is weak in the relationship, and the "open" gene might we weaker in one than the other. If you're low on empathy and/or the gene, upping your "open-ness" easily degenerates into a sort of "tit-for-tat" negotiation, which seems like a horrible thing to do and impossible to resolve. All too commonly, one of the two people just plain doesn't have this gene and and thus it just won't work no matter how you try. I know plenty of couples where either the woman is not allowed to really "play", but the man is constantly breaking "the rules," or the woman wants to be open but keeps getting all tied up in romantic issues and insecurities, rivalries, and bargaining. What's really happening is they aren't turned on by each other's exploits, there's too much "me" (respectively) in the way. I guess that's why I'm putting my thoughts to paper here... I've seen a lot of open relationships not working and so I'm passing on the few things I know for sure that have worked. I know a lucky handful of open couples who are truly happy, open, free, confident, and incredibly sexy. They are not "creepy" or riddled with drama, they have no inhibitions, and they have discovered magic that really works for them. Some of them can even maintain long-term semi-romantic relationships outside of theirs, go on dates with other people, and so forth... some of them host play parties and teach what they know to others... and still others are simply dead-sexy, hot people who just can't keep their hands off all the other equally hot people they know (LOL... I think that's me and my boy). Whatever their game, all these amazing people we know generally agree with the concept of the "empathic open gene"... heck, they taught it to us! Here are the best things I can come up with for a checklist of sorts. 1) Try your best to check with each other to make sure things are OK before you do "major stuff" Even if its just a quick "hey, I wanna ___; OK with you?", take the time to do this! I've seen so many couples where one person (usually, the guy) fails to do this clearly, and so the girl doesn't see what's coming and she feels betrayed later. I know lots of couples who claim the "goddess rule" — that the woman has to "call all the shots"... not for me, but for them, that's the trick (see #6). If you can't accomplish this "check" for practical reasons (you're not at the same party, you can't find each other, he's passed out) at least ask yourself, "will this plan in some way be hot to my sig. other when I tell them later?" ... its just a sanity check. Be especially careful to do this check when mutual friends are involved. Conversely, agree to never take offense when your sig. other asks for the wrong thing. You can't expect all your turn-ons to match. See #4. 2) Avoid having lots of groundrules, or extremely firm ones. This means you're afraid, or you don't trust each other, or one has more empathy or Open Gene than the other. Things can turn nasty when there are rules to be broken, and every situation is unique; tune into what feels right and to each other, and then bring in rules when needed. You'll see, sometimes rules just don't apply! (Our only groundrules are here, or have to do with obvious hygiene stuff). Some people have a lot of groundrules and they think it makes them better at this. I have yet to agree, they fight more and fuck it up more than we do. :) 3) Instead of lots of rules, have a "trump card" that closes something off, no discussion needed. Ours is a little simplistic but it super works, we call it the "code word" rule: every once in a while, there's a situation or person that one of us just "doesn't like in that way" and there's no need to explain it, end of discussion, end of situation/relationship. It means "Hey that guy/girl/scene just totally weirds me out, please don't go there because it will bug me forever", but we just use the code word (ours is "Cookie Dough"), which is much simpler and easy to understand even when you're three sheets to the wind. Sometimes its just a vibe, and other times its something totally serious, like the person/scene has major drama, a bad history in your social cluster, contagious diseases, they're just plain gross and your partner has "beer goggles" on, or something about it/them makes you just plain more uncomfortable than you can handle. Call "Cookie Dough" (whatever word you make up)! You're taking care of the relationship and your sig. other when you do! 4) Accept that you're going to mess it up, know you can fix it. You know you'll "get it wrong" and break the rules and even hurt each other's feelings and even so, agree verbally with each other that these failures don't count against you or your relationship (or anyone involved). After all, if you play with fire and you will get a couple burns! On that note, we have each messed up a little a few times (nothing major, but ya know, OOPS!), and here's the really amazing part: we just accept, love and respect each other even more afterwards (kind of like childbirth). You'll carry some scars, but its worth it to be free and know each other even more authentically, and besides, all scars fade. Sometimes,. all you have to say is, "That's not how I wanted things to go but things got crazy, I'm sorry." See #9. 5) Know what you like, and tell your sig other. Recognize why you want something (just for your own growth as an open person), before, during and after. Kitty wants what Kitty wants. A basic physical urge is probably the very best reason you can have: your body tells you loud and clear when there is something great you won't find in any other situation, just the way a good mouser cat knows exactly when to pounce. If your sig. other can empathize with and celebrate your successful hunt, then you're doing it right. This is the "open" part of being in an open relationship. If they're not happy, you're not open. Excepting, of course, when Rule #3 above trumps this. 6) Guys: be who you are, but be sure she is on par, especially for #5. If your sig other still hasn't found "IT," be patient, encouraging, and seek input from others who have more experience. Try your very best to let the one with the weaker empathy and Open Gene "go first", so she can find out what is hot to her... its like practicing to fly. Women in particular have trouble nailing down #5. We're heavily deprogrammed for sex and sometimes empathy. This requires some maintenance and training. Secondly, remember that because of all our hang-ups, the very best thing you can do to help her out is make sure she feels totally and completely loved every step of the way. Encourage her, worship her, and butter up her ego every chance you get. You'll earn it back in spades with a hot, healthy, sexually ravenous woman as your "partner in crime"! 7) Reinforce the idea that you always have each other to "come home" to, nothing jeopardizes that. As you evolve, reinforce to each other that none of your adventures will put the relationship on the line or devalue your sig. other in any way: this is especially important if you decide you can each go after things you want separately sometimes ... see #5. This is the "relationship" part of being in an open relationship: its there and its solid. Hold it up! 8) Stick with people who know what they're doing with this. Open relationships are most dangerous to the couple, not to its visitors. Avoid n00bs, drama, and folks who don't um, "get it" ... they might want real lasting relationships, megafights, true & everlasting love, kids, marriage, etc. 'Never ends well. We've been very blessed to have gotten into all of this with people who know way more than we do and without that, I'd have nothing to say here. That said, I've seen a lot of open relationships founder by bringing in the uninitiated. 9) Laugh and expect little. Things might get awkward, or grand plans may fizzle. Have a comedy routine lined up just in case. Don't try to get laid all the time, that is where the empathy for each other's turnons can actually run dry. Its just sex, it will happen when it wants to. Plan to laugh and be laughed at when you fuck it up, its better than crying. See #4. 10) Never ever ever EVER bring in issues from #4 when you're having a fight. What goes in Vegas, stays in Vegas. Don't fight with your penis/vagina, it doesn't have an ego... detach the two please, thanks.

Source: https://www.literotica.com/s/10-tips-on-open-relationships

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atakportal · 6 years ago

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Download your guide now for a happy, healthy baby!

Words from happy mothers…..

‘Our baby Jacob suffered from very bad colic almost every day and night. After trying every method available on the market, we came across Baby Bowen and decided to give it a try. I was astonished at how gentle it was and I should add, extremely skeptical, but after the first treatment, we noticed an instantaneous change! He was so calm and at peace it was amazing. The bouts of colic stopped after the treatment and he is sleeping so much better…so am I!’ M. M

‘I only wished I had come across Baby Bowen sooner! Our baby girl suffered from a blocked nose for two weeks. After trying Baby Bowen, she was able to breathe much better almost immediately! I now use Baby Bowen whenever she is in any pain. She loves the treatment and is always happy and smiling after’. V

I tried Bowen treatment as an alternative to physiotherapy and chiropractics for our baby who suffers from a wry neck. I could not believe how gentle it is compared to other therapies and so much more effective. After the first treatment, she was able to turn her head much more than before and she seemed much happier as well. I purchased Baby Bowen and have been treating her ever since. Thank You!’ P

‘So simple, so gentle and so effective!!Thank you for treating us and teaching me the Bowen move for out lovely baby girl. She has been an absolute angel these past two weeks!’ R.J.

‘Thank you for helping us and our baby. He is now sleeping so much better, no more colic and no more constipation. We are a much happier family now!’ T.K.

‘Our baby girl suffered from really bad colic. We tried everything! I am so glad we gave the Bowen Therapy a try. She has not had a single colicky episode since we saw you last…a month ago! Thank you!’ S. G.

‘It really works!! Our baby is 2 months old and normally wakes up 3 times a night. It is so difficult to get her back to sleep and she would be crying the whole night. I was so exhausted. My husband purchased Baby Bowen and the rest is history! She now only wakes up at most once a night for a feed and there is no more crying! She goes right back to sleep! Thanks for this awesome guide!’PP

‘Our baby James suffers from very bad allergies, eczema and has recently been diagnosed with asthma. We hated the idea of having to give him medication and drugs. So we gave Baby Bowen a try. It is so amazing! For the first time in 4 months, he slept through the night without any wheezing or coughing. Even his eczema seems to be clearing up! Our family doctor was so surprised to see him looking so well…I had to tell her about Baby Bowen. I highly recommend this guide to every mum!’CC

‘Cassie was born 3 weeks premature. She was tiny and had to have help breathing as she had fluid in her lungs. Our friend recommended we try Baby Bowen as it was so gentle and would help with her breathing. I was initially reluctant but was so frustrated at not being able to do anything to help her. The first night after her Bowen treatment, she managed to expel all the fluid from her lungs and for the first time she was breathing on her own!I was amazed! Cassie is now 6 months and we use Baby Bowen whenever she under the weather or just needs a boost! We are so glad we came across Baby Bowen!!’M.O.

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I hope it will prove to be a dependable companion throughout motherhood as it has for so many others.

(BEng., MSc.,DIC, PhD., MBBS., BTER)

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