#never does? I mean I guess its all so new and raw but like I feel so awful. I feel like I'm never allowed to love again until I can like

[lemoncake438]

How do u know if its love or mental illness?

[diariodeunrincondemi]

Love, empathy, strenght, changes, courage, humanity...That's what comes to my mind when I think about Vinland Saga and Attack on Titan.

The desire to protect those you love, to avoid their suffering and that they go through the same things as you, is one of the distinguishing mark of these stories. The other one is that both stories talk about the relationship between humans and violence, but in different ways.

Vinland Saga is raw and cruel, because it talks about events that were real and things that still happen, but it is also idealistic: Thorfinn wants to found a land of peace where nobody suffers, far from the violence that kept him trapped for so many years. Einar said that Thorfinn is like a baby, because he was learning to know the world through a different lens than before: with hope. The hope of changing to become a better person and help to build a better world: for Einar, for Arnheid, for himself, for outcasts...basically, for anyone that rejects the status quo and the only thing they want is to live in peace. But, even so, none of this erase his sins, all the deaths he carries on his shoulders; and all because he was an arrogant boy who never listened to anything anyone told him. The line between being a victim and a murderer is too thin, just as the line between victors and losers, between war and slavery...After all, it's all part of the same system: if you aren't strong and you don't show power, you get eaten. And Thorfinn knows this very well. He knows it so well that he gets sick of it and decides to renounce to it, just to discover the meaning behind his father's (and Askeladd's) last words: "Become a true warrior". And he starts that new path and, as time goes by and goes from a boy to a man, he becomes a true warrior: someone for whom the safety of their loved ones (friends, family, people who is not there anymore, even outcasts) is the most important thing, and that means giving up violence and, instead, talking, to turn kindness and gentleness into his weapons.

But becoming a better person has its toxic side: never, doesn't matter what you do, it will be enough. You will never be kind enough,or gentle or sweet or understanding enough; because youre nightmares will always be haunting you.

But Thorfinn doesn't give up, either; and he always pushes himself. I guess being an idealistic person is addictive: you know the world is a complex place; that human beings are imperfect; but you dream, you wish, you long...that a day when every conflict can be solved through words will come...Just like Thorfinn, just like Armin.

A world of violence and hatred in and endless cycle. Someone has to end that cycle, someone has to sacrifice themself , to become a demon that everyone can direct their hate towards, no matter religions, ideologies or cultures. Humanity united against a common enemy. And someone has to kill that enemy.

Words, dialogue and good actions don't work anymore, and the person who loves them the most has to become the embodiment of war and violence, what he hates the most.

Armin does what he has to, he is the only one who can fulfill that mission, precisely because he loves humanity. And that hurts him and he despises himself for not being strong enough like his comrades, because he can't stand violence and yet exercises it, although the ulterior reason is to save humanity to establish a period of peace that will last centuries.

Armin discovers, with sadness and disappointment, that words doesn't work anymore and that not everyone is willing to listen and talk. And without words, what is he? Fear invades him and paralyze him and, when they depend on him the most, he finds it difficult to react. He hates himself and, on many ocassions, he thinks that the world would be better without a coward like him. In fact, in several ocassions, he agrees to die for others, not because he believes that it is the better solution, but because someone like him doesn't deserve to live.

In a world where the big fish eats the small one, what room is left for love, empathy or kindness?

And amidst all this, I can't avoid to confront Thorfinn's idealism and hope with Armin's realism and despair. I don't know which one to choose, because I am both at the same time.

Kindness and gentleness are the true power, but the raw reality is that words doesn't work. What is the truth, what is the lie, who am I, who do I want to become. But, in reality, none of that matters when nightmares are haunting you and paralyse you. I will never be enough.

[charlesandmartine]

Tuesday 29th October 2024

The days are getting hotter now with most having a top in the forties. They also seem to be pushing towards the wet season. No real rain yet since Saturday but there were spots yesterday late afternoon. We were having our Happy Hour Pale Ale and the wind suddenly whipped itself into a frenzy as though a storm was coming through, but then settled down again almost as quickly as it began. I suspect if we remain much longer in the tropics, we shall see real change. But that was yesterday. The indigenous people's have names for six seasons; Kudjewk Dec-Mar, Bangkerreng Apr, Yekke May-Jun, Wurrkeng Jun-Aug, Kurrung Aug-Oct, Kunumeleng Oct-Dec. So we are Kurrung Hot & Dry season.

We made an early start after an early breakfast because we were heading 24km north to Mirray Lookout which involved walking 2km up a steep rocky path to a lookout. They never put lookouts at sea level do they? The walk was graded Moderate to Difficult which is why an early start was thought best. Now I have no clue about Mirray. Was it a person and was he in need every once in a while to take a look to see if anything was coming? No one seems to know how high the lookout is either, other than pretty high. Be that as it may, and it is, we clambered up to the very top in the heat, where an enthusiastic National Park committee had placed a viewing platform just to make it a little bit higher. Now as a lookout there are a few places up there where you might miss Cromwells troups coming from below because due to an excess of tall trees the views are not by any stretch 360° There are blind spots. Mirray might do well to look into this. However, in the gaps, the views were dramatic and extensive. Well worth the climb.

Because we were so close, we decided to pop into the main (only) town of the area, Jabiru which of course gives its name to the black and white crane. Jabiru appeared like another committee had built a small town and then said does anyone want a small town and what do you want to use it for? It was empty of anything really. Fundamentally, these days, it is an Aboriginal township. Once, from 1982, there was uranium mining in the area, but that has now gone, closing in 2021. There were a number of Aborigine people wandering around. There was a supermarket, a shop equivalent to a WH Smiths, a library, and a Court House. All reasonably modern buildings but most miserable. Then, quite incongruously, there was a fairly new Mercure Hotel built in the shape of a crocodile, and besides all the usual hotel gubbings, there was a display of indigenous artwork. We meandered around this for a while, making appropriate oohs and ahhs, etc, and bade our farewells and went back to the Lodge. Glad we went, if only to say we'd done it.

Back at the Lodge, just settling down by the pool and a good book, when 1.21 gigawatts of lightening streaked to the ground in the direction of the Cultural Centre, followed shortly afterwards by the most humongous crack of thunder. I guess the wet season may soon be on us. The heavens then opened, and rain fell for 20 mins or so, but not in biblical proportions. I mean Noah would not have got his hammer and nails out! Then, with the heat, everything is dry again. The birds sing, all's right with the world.

With nothing saved in the fridge, we decided to eat in Mimi's restaurant along with the jolly campers. There seems to be a constant supply of these, in fact we observed a coach load arrive earlier to fill up the budget rooms across the site. It would probably be unseemly to use the term riff raff, they are probably very nice people.

ps. What looked like raw pickled baramundi at Mimi's. Well it was OK, but I think cod in batter somewhat preferable. Chips were nice though.

[shai-manahan]

Hollowed Minds, as a story, is like a mirror that reflects the complexities and contradictions of human society, exposing its flaws with honesty and clarity.

It is interesting to me to see a story where the author doesn't hold back in showing the raw reality, without holding back. Showing how the darkness of the reality and society surrounding an individual with ideals and hopes for the future, tries every single day to extinguish that light of hope inside of them. How it tries to destroy them. How it tries to alter their personality, ideals and beliefs.

It shows how the mentality of "Public glory and fame" can corrupt a person. How the public opinion can make a person a beacon of light and a model for society, only to drag that same person's reputation down, damaging even their career. How the public opinion does not care about the evidences that prove the claims thrown in the media, but just accept them as if they are the absolute word of God. The same thing happening to MC at the start of the story.

On the other hand, it also shows how good and dangerous idealism can be, through the Ripper and Wesley. A duo who in their past did many good deeds for the people, but who can be so much influenced by idealism that they fail to see the consequences of the actions they take in doing good deeds. It can result in someone getting harmed. Their judgement can be clouded, making them fail to see reality for what it is.

Then you have the classic "We are all doing this. It's not good to be a snitch on your colleagues for breaking the law. You are a bad person if you go against the flow" shown in the Ripper's workplace where they are treating them not with the respect they rightfully deserve just because he exposed the corruption happening in that place. But such is expected from a society that has been turning a blind eye to crimes. In public they may tell you "We want justice and the criminals behind bars" but this is true (and they will support you) as long as you don't touch their interests/benefits.

For the sake of the ask not getting too long, I'm going to stop here with my ramblings, but I just wanted to say how much I appreciate the fact that you have chosen to share this story with us. I love the characters, with all their virtues and flaws, and I love the way how each time I go and replay the demo, new things are discovered. I hope you keep writing this story until the very end and that you take good care of your health💛

Hey, anon, this is probably the highest form of compliment I've ever gotten on this platform, and honestly? I've been reading this over and over for the entire day because I just felt so seen.

You've shared some thoughts here I never expected to see this early in the story, and I'm so grateful you made the effort to type it all out and send it to me because I've definitely been second-guessing myself in how I'm portraying certain scenes.

I mean, I'm autistic. It's hard for me to make my thoughts clear, and it's a lot harder for me to figure out if the readers are getting the information I want them to have and the conclusions I want them to form. And when I do make an effort to do just that, I get the realization that I begin to describe too much.

It's a flaw of mine that I'm confused what to do about sometimes, so I cannot emphasize enough that seeing my work be so clearly understood, so deeply analyzed, is really just, I don't know, I feel like gratifying is not enough of a word for this, but it might be the closest.

I also want you to remember what you yourself said about the idealism that Ripper and Wesley had, because that one paragraph now made me confident that a future revelation would not be wasted on at least one person :') It's... a nice feeling, to be honest.

I might just end up crying here if I keep going, so I'll stop here. Thank you again and I hope you'll have a good weekend! I hope you'll also see this through the end!

[rikomoriyama01]

AFTG tfc ch1 Re Read by cavan

(i do not remember any details so its almost like im reading it first time lmao) tumblr does not give me read more cut off option so deal with this i guess sorry #CavanrereadAFTG if you need to block it chapter 1 "She'd beat him to the hell and back if she saw him sitting around and mopping like that" is quite violent way to phrase "she woudl be displeased to see him .." so was neil casually beaten by his mom or we only on page 4 of neil backed up trauma management and im already thinking about scene where this boy will finally brek open and admit how much he wants normal life and not having to hide his emotions and you know live a little without this whole batman personal covering his face already hit by brain made connection about how exy is what took rikos life away from him and how it's the thing that kept neil alive through the worst of his here i am making it about this little cunt already but what else were you expecting of me?

learning new things about English language always nice! neil "its cool my mom died i can finally stay in one place for a bit" how had this boy not murdered this woman himself is beyond me fr ,, please go away" neil wymack already adopted you just haven't got the adoption papers yet I wonder if Janie Smalls is taller than Andrew Minyard "her best friend found her bleeding out" okay but - who is Janie's best friend is it one of foxes? what if it's seth ? Makes sense for it to be seth nvm friend explained to me that potential recruit means she was not at palmetto at the time " Typical of a fox " see riko would make amazing fox that's boy self destructive af in all of my head cannons

broadening my vocab nice nice Notorious for their tiny size i know it's bc there only 9 of them but i will stay believing it is bc everyone is short math time, had not seen kevin in 8 years neil is 18-19 now so he was 10 ok will remember Neil: i need to be very sneaky about my past wymack: do you need a pen? neil: i can't play for you because you signed kevin day wymack: ....... ??????? I LOVE HOW ANDREW WAY TO SAY HI IS FUCKING CRUSHING NEILS LUNGS AGAINST HIS SPINE ????? forgot how radioactive they are bc of how cute they are welp things align riko broke kevins hand andrew beat up neils internal organs for no reason at all! i love when all my ships are fucked up

assailant here is the word i keep using but spelling "assultant" lmao , man im learning so much ,, Andrew was blamed for kevins recent transfer" - kandrew is strong with this one ppl in universe just assumed kevin fell in love on first sight and they ARE RIGHT

i cant tell if im here to study cannon or english but like i know what those words mean but i don't know their definitions does that make sense? OH THIS IS SO CUTE I WILL DRAW THIS FUCK YES LETS GO he slammed motherfucker with his own racket dfghsdjfhgg Hernandez is literary the only normal person over the course of those 3 books andrew *assults someone as hello* wymack: Andrew's a bit raw on manners / my dude with this reading speed it will take me half year to go through those books but im having actually a lot of fun here neil: i already said i can not sign with you wymack:OK BUT YOU STILL NEED TO EXPLAIN WHY KEVIN DAY IS THE ISSUE HERE did kevin heard it lmoa i wonder if kevin heard the ,, do you need a pen - YoU sIgNeD KeViN DaY no wonder kevin was bitch to neil he thought the lil bitch hated him on the start lmao Andrew was only here because Kevin day never went anywhere alone here you go with your raven programming <3 YEARS SINCE THEY'D WATCHED NEIL'S FATHER CUT A SCREAMING MAN INTO HUNDRED BLOODY PIECES Kevin / Dark hair and green eyes, black number 2 neil saw that number and wanted to retch He and his adopted brother Riko Moriyama wrote the numbers one and two on their faces with markers, tracing them over and over anytime they started to fade. ok so were they drawing their own numbers? it sound like kevin was drawing his number too also this is the only mention i think of riko being reffered to as kevin,s brother in the books anyway I have case to make assuming kevin and riko were doing those numbers form young age pre 10 ... it just makes sense the system they use would be Arabic not roman i just can't imagine small kids knowing roman numbers when they were neglected in nest i think this is best case i can make for it. friend provided proof that in book the four tattoo neil get's is introduced as "4" so ok arabic canon moving on Riko nad Kevin were inducted to national court 1 year pre aftg story starts They were champions and neil was a jumble of lies and dead-ends on one hand it's funny how desperate they all are to sign neil on other hand i deeply believe they just see the desperation in his eyes, we know that neil wants it and those contact lenses do not hide it , they know that he wants to say yes, they are just confused about what the fuck makes him say no (kevin's bitchiness) or at least i would make this be the case if neil didn't just got assaulted and if they didn't literary phrased it as ,, we are not living without you signing this" like .. kidnapping with extra steps much ???? playing like he has everything to lose is not excuse for you all to harass this poor man like that OK HOLD ON A SECOND "He'd remember the scrimmage interrupted by that man's murder"

what man what murder the man nathan butchered for them? did nathan murdered someone during game?

WHAT HAPPENED

the moment kevin would start looking at him funny- he already is ngl im only on page 12 and i just hate neils mom i have no phrasing for it but the fact that every choice neil could make for his happiness is meet with ,, mom would be sooo mad" is really frustrating to read about... what is the point of even being alive for this boy fr???? i wonder if theres any specific place they would have been safe it? kind of would be fun to have au where neil and his mom go to japan and end up getting protection form yakuza F BOMB 1 F BOMB 2 COMBO fuck i love those characters so much okay like all of them It's about second chances, Neil. Second, third, fourth, whatever, as long as you get at least one more than what anyone else wanted to give you"

David "idealistic idiot" Wymack wymacks sincerity is what lets foxes trust him , wymack is the first adult in their lives that understands Savge yank of her hands in his hair here we go fuck he has so much guilt over trying to live a little this is so un fair "I'm sorry"he gasped out between wet coughs. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry"

[weird-dere-writes]

Marshall got me on a fucking hook ffs

DO U REALIZE HOW BAD THIS MAN WOULD HAVE ME WITH HIS FLIRTING??¿??¿?¿¿¿ u know this guy is a DAMN TEASE AND COCKY (with mommy issues)

But i feel like he would confuse you and make u question ur feelings cuz tends to be a jerk sometimes

So i got lil angsty idea

So I just imagen us bashing out what the feelings that been pilling up, his cheeck red cuz u snapped HARD at him after he ketp going even when u told him to quit it

So there u are crying and screaming at him, telling him that he eother means it or not and if he keeo goings like this with you, he might as welp hit the bricks cuz u won't want to hear from him again. He just kinda in a shock state as u tell him all of this

So u stomp away and he breaks his trance and floats to you and tries to stop u from leaving him with the possibility of never seeing you again. Cuz he cares. SO MUCH but he sucks at showing it, often desguising it with his bad boy persona

I just imagen after that he works to become a better man AND partner (i seen the episodes with marceline and princess bubblegum AND ITS THE GREENEST FLAG COUPLE CUZ THEY BOTH SO HONEST AND REALLY WANNA WORK THINGS OUT SO I SAY HE WOULD BE A GOOD BF lil probs there and there but he'll work them for you and him)

Anyway there goes my rant, inspired by one of the oldest episodes when fionna was still a lil new <3333

"he might as welp hit the bricks cuz u won't want to hear from him again" i know it's supposed to be sad but the way this made me CACKLE LMAO. Cus of the 'if it sucks hit da bricks' skeleton meme AMEOLI:NMRIEOMNTDRF:.

BUT ANYWAY lol Flashbacks to that old adventure time episode of Fionna and Cake. Fionna just crying over Marshall pretending to be dying and she yells "FOR ONCE DROP IT YOU FREAK!" And he's just so shocked, "Glob Fionna, you're the realest person I've ever met." And then Fionna just proceeds to emotionally punch him lmao.

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HE'S JUST SUCH A GUY <333333. But like no, you're so right he would also absolutely kill me with the flirting at times. Just his voice alone makes me ASCEEEEENNNNDDDDDD. At other times tho I could see myself totally play flirting with him right back. Just depends on my mood I guess.

But yeah, it gets to a point where it's like what are we? And you really wanna address it, but he just ignores cus I guess trying to think about it makes him uncomfortable? Maybe because he feels he wouldn't know how to be a good partner to u due to his own lack of a father (rip genderbent Elise 😔) or father figure. And you keep hinting at it, and even gently asking openly, like seriously, where is this going? But he just keeps changing the subject and pushing the thought away. And one day you've just had enough. You need to know now. You need to know if you can keep letting this go on or if you need to let him go and move on. Because you don't have forever to wait like he does.

So you yell, you cry, you ball your fists to stop yourself from hitting or shoving him. And he freezes up. He doesn't know what to do, what to say, how to make it better and stop your from hurting because of him. He's flustered, confused, and then you turn your back on him. He's absolutely lost, his unbeating heart pulling him in every direction. But he knows he can't lose you. Not like this. He cares for you too much. He really likes you. He... actually loves you. So he follows you. Because he doesn't want you to leave him. He's still silent as he thinks about how to never make you feel this raw again. But the way he stops you and just holds you tells you everything you need to know. He wants this. He just needs your help in figuring out how to do it right 🥺💔.

UGH your brain is so juicy Ane I loved your rant very very much :3 💋💋💋💋

[daisyvisions]

what kind of woman do you think it's sangyeon's ideal type? like if he meets someone somehow like /that/ he might be down to get to know her romantically ??

I've actually thought about this a lot esp with other members like what kind of person would catch their attention? Me being me ofc im gonna relate it to astrology & even some observations I've noticed! - (Warning: this is only my opinion! please take it with a grain of salt!)

Believe it or not, Sangyeon and I are very similar in certain behaviors (not being delulu, we're both scorpios and our bdays are incredibly close so our birth charts are a similar in certain aspects) meaning he's naturally a quiet person, not because he's shy but because he's observing the world in front of him. He will only speak his mind when necessary or when the time calls for it (I noticed that a lot in vlives or behind the scenes stuff)

When it comes to liking someone, he surrounds himself a lot with people who are loud (aka Hak, Eric, Hyujnae), since he's naturally a calm person, their energy gives him energy too so I'd suspect he'd like to be with someone who's energetic (doesnt have to be an extrovert btw! they can be energetic if it's just the two of them).

Again, this is very similar to me because I too love surrounding myself with louder people because they give me this raw energy I don't really have in myself and I love listening to others too

When it comes to interests I feel like it wouldn't really matter if you liked the same things (would be a bonus for sure) but he would love to learn or know things that you like and vice versa. In a way it keeps the relationship not dry since you two have different interests and would learn something new everyday!

Lastly, he doesn't seem like a jealous person at all (other than his calm demeanor), I can't seem to find the link but there was this paper that sangyeon answered from a fan during a meet about him being jealous if he would allow his significant other to be brought home drunk by another guy. He answered "no" only because it would depend if he trusts the guy or not (which is totally valid btw im not gonna give him shit for that). I guess in short, he's not a jealous type but you should never give him a reason to be because im pretty sure one of his morals is loyalty.

-----------------------------------------------

In summary: he would love someone energetic (again doesnt have to be an extrovert just someone with a good energy), having different interests is fine, and he's not jealous naturally (but don't give him a reason to be!)

Now... if you wanted me to answer what does he look for sexually I do have some links from Kpop / tarot reading accounts here which I do believe is possibly legit (but since its astrology pls take it with a grain of salt)

[todayisafridaynight]

CANNOT BELIEVE IT'S TAKEN ME SO LONG TO REPLY YOU'VE ALREADY FINISHED THE SECOND MOVIE LOL BUT

I LOVE showing The Mole Song to people because it's like, love it or hate it, you can't possibly have a lukewarm reaction to it. I'm thrilled you liked it so much!!! Hong Kong Capriccio definitely has its moments and I'm glad you enjoyed it too; on that note, I haven't seen Final yet, and it doesn't seem to be hardsubbed online, but I was able to find a raw and subs separately. They seem okay from the scene I skipped to twenty minutes in but not positive lol

It really does set the tone early! I love the cutaway gags too The manga has a lot of absurd non-sequiturs and it was a fun way to adapt that to a new medium. As an adaptation as a whole, Undercover Agent Reiji in particular definitely has the tone down and I appreciate that it kept a lot of the Moments I liked.

Hiura had me from the blood oath… one of the guys of all time… despite how I sound from what I just said, I actually didn't even know there was a manga or a sequel when I first watched it, so I was SO relieved he survived the explosion. I was honestly 100% convinced he'd crash the plane at the end though lol, but I guess that ended up happening in Hong Kong Capriccio anyway?

BUT YEAH LIKE THE GUY JUST HAS A HYPERFIXATION AND I HAVE TO RESPECT THAT. Which, you know, in-universe, to have the whole butterfly motif and then dress your man up in florals… I repeat, Reiji was slaying in that dress… I love everyone's costuming in these movies. SPEAKING OF THE AUCTION, the PSP segment onward was insanely RGGcore wasn't it… good god……

It's kind of funny how little Reiji changes--I guess that's how you keep a manga going for like 900 or whatever chapters so far--because he'll pretty much Always have things he needs to figure out. Still very much fun to watch, though!

ALSO the drugs reminded me (I was expecting them to be In The Dogs too lol), shoutout to manga Tsukihara for having the exact same character arc as Mine and ending up an invaluable ally. Also getting to beat up Ryuji Leo (sorry my boy but Mine is overall the stronger combatant to me and I am tired of the Reddit-y discussions on the wiki saying otherwise </3). Living vicariously while Mine's status is still uncertain lol

P.S. I Too Treat Your Blog Like The Morning Paper and it means a lot to me to have the opportunity to write in and talk! I would also love to join a stream if you ever go for it!

P.P.S. NOOOOOOO PLEASE THE SLOW DANCING…….. UNWELL. I've imagined the same thing but at home… in the light of the refrigator… Jo is still tense as hell both because of the situation and it's such a waste of electricity and they really should close the door as soon as possible… but Arakawa insists if it's only for the duration of the song, it's fine……

YEAH THE MOLE SONG MOVIES WERE REALLY FUN thanks again for recommending it to me (I found out it had a manga series the moment I went to look it up, but I haven't read a lick of it. I'd say I'm surprised it's still running but I mean... manga like One Piece have over a thousand chapters at this point, so I shouldn't be too surprised. Maybe I'll give it a read sometime just to check out how the movies and manga compare-and-contrast with each other)!

1.) BIGGEST HONOR I'm glad my blog can entertain a lot of people (and a big part of that is due in part to people writing in and giving me a chance to chat a bit, so of course I always have to thank you and everyone else for sending me asks as frequently as you all do. They're absolutely the highlight of my day whenever I get the time to answer them ^^)!! I've always liked the idea of streaming (I've attempted to years back but I never tried again afterwards), though I always end up getting too anxious about it (plus I tend to get performance anxiety and I end up taking a lot longer to draw whenever people are watching me). I hope to get over that anxiety one day though- I bet it'd be fun to respond to people in real time or take quick doodle requests mid-stream :)

2.) AW THEM DANCING IN THE KITCHEN THOUGH I CAN SEE IT..... Jo being worried about the electric bill though that's so accurate..... I'll definitely think on the concept of Slow Dancing AraSawa with all the apparent enthusiasm around it.. I promise..

YAYA my friend (who made the post) told me a moment after I told her (also PLEASE I was so heinous reading the name- first thing I said to her aside from 'new movie night plan' was 'how many times does this man play a dude named 'Jo' ☠️☠️)! I wasn't able to find any recordings of the actual play (I know a trailer was posted last year so I don't know if they've actually performed live since then) but here's to hoping one day there's a recording of it posted somewhere...

[blahsome]

March 18 2024

Good fucking lord,

Where has the time gone? Now you’ve been gone for 29 years. If you were here today you’d know what I mean when I say the math isn’t mathing.

29 years?? I know documents say I’m 35, but I pretty much just graduated college and I guess it’ll never make sense that you’ve been gone for any amount of time. The farther away I get from 6 years old, the more you stay 45, the closer my niblings get to 6 and then surpass it with their world view intact- I’m always holding my breath at milestones.

The time passes, I exhale.

The calendar pages turn and remind me to get ready for the waves. This last year though, it felt like I never got to come up for air. Just a gasp here and there. I’m fully submerged in a cycle of fighting, flighting and mostly being frozen. It looks like I’m moving but my muscles are shattering ice cubes and I can’t fall asleep and I hate to wake up. I love to be needed but my cup is empty and there seems to be a hole in the bottom.

I could’ve made time, I had plenty of it. It was the only thing I had, but I was like a spinning top: stop, drop. Finally, I’ve fallen and I can’t seem to get back up.

I’ve got little sense of comfort left. The last year was so jarring and I’m left raw. I don’t know how to bandage myself, I can’t afford mental health and I can’t afford to be mentally unwell, either. All I can do is feign a little dance to give the illusion that I’m on my feet, my knees at least.

These are just some of the most pertinent notes I’ve digitally scribbled over the last year or so. Some of these notes I think: what does any of this have to do with my mother? And I tell myself that I am how I am because she’s gone, so it is what it is.

-

Bb freeeee

may the beasts not render you an island

Bonding over poison

It’s crazy how time flies without you

But still I’m dragging around memories of you

-

Sometimes I can’t tell the difference between compliments and manipulation

When I’ve got a new boy stretching my hamstrings

How do you know just when to creep back in?

I don’t know where to find Inspiration.

What beast have I encountered? How can I dissolve its teeth, sunken into my will, draining me of any sense of purpose or direction.

-

I told a forlorn boy that I could have his dick in my mouth and he’d still wonder if I’d like him tomorrow. I need to be held, but not so tight that I lose my autonomy. I don’t want to drag anyone down with my morosity, and I don’t have the ability to cleanse someone of their insecurities. No one really does.

-

I’m longing for peanuts

Lusting for when you used to come to my room

When you used to swing from my chandelier

Feigning human interaction through my screens

Nothing comes

-

A life time requiring too many moments of silence

I can’t quiet my mind

I want comfort

I want the cover of darkness

I want to make bad decisions

if they’ll make me feel good

-

Funny how men boast about survival of the fittest

While women hold the seeds before we’re even born, before our mothers are even born, we’ve existed for centuries before we come to be, in a form that you objectify and make small

-

Always an onslaught of processing to be postponed

A moment

Quiet

I can’t

Stir stir stir

Sleepless

What for?

I’m ready for the now to start

Without the worry of yesterday and tomorrow

What did I forget?

What will be forgotten?

-

A two way street

But one lane is paved with silver spoons and oblivion

The other with rusted shovels and painful clarity

-

Hello mama,

I’m in the midst of a flood of feeling desperate for your presence. All my old people are getting older, and so am I. Everything hurts. I’m suffering from chronic pain but I’m keeping as strong a face as I can. There is too much to do to tend to myself, what with everyone slipping away. You wrote it yourself “worry makes my face look funny”.

-

I’m so mad

I swear the breath heaving in my chest is 101 degrees

My heart’s warmed by the generosity of strangers

Lit on fire by the indifference of familiar faces

Broken by the additional pressure to keep a brave face

What would my mother think?

What was she doing when her mother was dying?

What would guilt feel like if I wasn’t breaking my back?

Guilt and shame are my ultimate punishers.

-

I’m traumatized by your intake and your disregard

Heart broken and lonely. Sometimes I think that everybody doesn’t want to hang out with themselves so much that they can’t hang out with me.

-

Knees leathered

Spirit weathered

Trying to make it all better

I fall apart

Disappointed in my efforts

Icing on my sad girl cake

This year is just another racket

What are efforts even for?

I spent four nights bedside, in a hospital chair

2am coffee, 3am slapping hands away from needles and monitors,

3:30am coffee, 4am alarms going off, more coffee

My mouth is small when I’m angry

Teeth clenched

lips pinched

Biting my tongue

What’s the point in fighting a saturated wall?

My dead mother, used as a weapon.

I’m not her.

I imagine she picked her battles thoughtfully

Cancer or an addicts addiction?

Better odds at beating cancer maybe, still lost.

Hakuna Matata, for who?

For her, for sure

My father has made her his higher power

His disillusion has damaged her good image in my mind.

I have to, I must, imagine that she would have stood up, intervened.

Distorted: my ideals of what love is.

Surely it’s not getting walked all over, second hand smoke, and dismissing bad behavior and bearing witness to a slow suicide.

-

Someone told me to have a cry as a little treat

So I tried

I tried to shed just a few regimented tears

But they all came out

They rushed

They dehydrated me

They turned me red and burned me

They took all my air

I went out to lay in the dirt

To feel the support of the earth

I tried to pull myself under the surface

But only ended up pulling out grass

Can I do nothing gracefully if I’m so distraught?

-

What is the opposite of horizon?

About 35 and ready for a reinvention again

Nothing has changed, I’m still a baby

I still want my mom

What was I born to do?

Ain’t nobody got a fast car round here, and even if they did

Somebody’s gotta take care of this old man

It’s kinda silly wanting my mom, I really didn’t know her.

What if we got along awful?

I went to an event with my #1 friend earlier and afterward she messaged me and told me I’m good at talking to people and she loves that about me. I said I felt embarrassed about what comes out of my mouth sometimes, and the how and the timing of it.

We went in hopes of winning gift cards or spa treatments.

I won a vodka gift basket, classic.

-

Every time I get a book of poems

I’m inspired to write again

I feel powerful

Grabbing balls

Stroking their taint

Sliding a digit in

I feel powerful

Knowing, if just for a moment

I have them wrapped around my finger

I’ve been thinking all day

About how to manifest a casual coincidence

Of standing next to you when the clock strikes midnight

I wish I could go back in time

And commit no sins that I need to be absolved of to feel worthy of you

But then I wouldn’t have ruled so many realms

I wish my worth and my shame weren’t in a constant battle

I wish I didn’t feel like the life I’ve lived apart from you would tear you to bits.

“Laying here naked,

Woman I previously hated”

We’re forging friends from enemies

Freaks from foes

Drunk darlin’s

Late nights

Early mornin’s

Velvety soft and smooth

Perfect teeth, my weakness

Gifts of lilac

Chains on our tongues

In the shade by a damn river

Be naked and aggressive

Longing for a late night bath

Good freaks

Dream of me

Life blood boosted

Effortlessly cool

Sunsets in the sticks

Crocs and cowboy hats

Day dreaming

Tailgates in wheaty fields

Caught off guard

So comfortable

So quick

Swooning

Nourishing bodies

Good looking

Looking good

“You’re good, baby”, rolling off the tongue

Your hands on me

Sweet lil angel freak

Necessary nap time

Neon lights

Dark nights

Sentimental and poetic

Philosophizing

Chill with it all

Seamless

Slowly and so comfortably

-

I just want to write

My woes

My ohs

My ooh lalas

Woe: I have no discipline

Oh: I have no discipline

Ooh lala: I want to be on that dick again

Sometimes all it takes to manifest is saying what you want in front of the right person

But sometimes even if I’m doing nothing and saying nothing to no one

I’m manifesting

Maybe something better than my weak spine

Likely not

Confrontation makes me want to vomit

The internal conflict of necessary confrontation also makes me want to vomit

-

I can’t afford feng shui or Jesus

-

It’s so crazy I keep opening my phone

and looking in all the same places to find meaning

I wanna be in it for the long haul

Tired of playing hard ball

And you’re not even playing at all

-

Toss

Turn

Toss again

This knee up

That knee up

I swear my shoulders are almost touching

Not on the blade side

My hips are pinching at my spine

It’s past 2am and I refuse to get up and stretch it all out

I do this every night

Pace all day

Twist all night

-

Dear Elmo,

Harrowed by the year behind me

Overwhelmed by crushing anxiety with even the smallest glances toward the year ahead

The week, the day, the minute ahead

The present is just a tornado

No steps forward on solid ground

A slippery mountain

A pit full of treacherous mud

No whatchamacallit in sight

Just pastel rainbows plastered on the walls to drown out the darkness

Hoping they’ll come alive

and as my caring companions

Braid themselves into a rope

And tie me up

And pull me out of this unfaltering fog

-

Laying in bed

Night after night

Pulling my pillows under the covers

Fighting them as I flail

Left side

Right side

Belly flop

One leg bent

The other

Would a big spoon sooth my ailing back?

Would my anxious fractured sense of self shove them off the bed?

Fetal position

One pillow clenched between my legs

Hoping it aligns my spine

One pillow clutched to my chest

Hoping it keeps my shoulders from touching before my collar bones

Turning in

Withering

Bedrotting

It all aches

A pillow tucked behind me to simulate a caring hand

steadfast on my back

-

I don’t know yet how to write about how scared I was when I thought Herman might die last year. He’d gotten a UTI that was so severe that he became septic, he was also going through alcohol withdrawl. When elderly people get UTI’s often times the only symptom is delirium, so it can be hard to tell when they’re usually drunk and delirious already. The good news is that he’s almost completely cut out his vices. The other news is that it’s difficult for me to accept that he is elderly, and he still has bladder cancer. I can actually accept the cancer part, I just get a little heartbroken when I watch him shuffling around not being present. I think about how my mom would be with her grandkids. And selfishly, how she might be the one to take Herman to his appointments if she was here, report back to the rest of us coherently, give us all hugs afterwards, and then be able to encourage him to be more of an active participant. When I got him home from the hospital I wrote a note and stuck it on his bathroom mirror: What would Becca do? He did actually appreciate and elaborate on it. It’s still there, 6 months later.

I’m so tired of scrolling instagram and reading stupid inspirational memes like “you haven’t met all the people you’re going to love yet”. I’m pretty sure if I can’t leave the house unless it’s to tend to my already loved ones, then I have. I don’t know how to make space for both the known and the unknown. All I do every day when I don’t have a task to do for someone I love is wonder what I’m on this earth for and what I’m even good at.

I wish I could see how my mom interacted with people. I wish it didn’t matter. I wish I didn’t spend the better half of the last two years in bed. It’s insane to think how much I actually did accomplish while simultaneously falling completely apart. And now I’m here, having hit an absolute wall, unraveled.

I am still full of wonder and comforted by the fact that all shades of light purple exist and so do I. My wondering can have no conclusion though. I can’t collect enough lilac, lavender, and orchid to conjure clarity. How many countless hours would my mother allow me of her time, to sit with me and hold me until we come up with a plan? Why can’t I do it myself? If we can’t do it, who can help? I’ve expended all my resources and am left with nothing to offer. I’m not even an expert on my own grief.

Sometimes it seems as if everyone forgot that we have to mourn this loss forever, together. So, I’m left alone. My fathers diminishing memory not remembering that I told him I’d like it if he would be home today so he can hang out with me while I plant some flowers. He’s 5 hours away and it won’t be me who reminds me.

Almost nothing seems worth a breath if I don’t mention all of the children in Palestine who will be left to mourn their martyred parents, and the parents, their martyred children. Ceasefire now, and forever. Free Palestine.

Hug your loved ones, ask them questions, use your time wisely if you have the energy, and if you know what I’m good at and should do with my life, please let me know.

Accepting defeat and hoping to rise from the ashes,

Blossom

[littlelambdrgnfly]

Ok since you reblogged that one post I hope you know I reread The Sum of Them for the 3rd time, maybe like a month ago, up until the last chapter and i never finished it cause i didnt want to experience it ending again (if that makes sense), i wish it never ended. I wish they could play baby games forever but its so important it does end because the ending is soo beautiful but so devastating, and it's beautiful because its so devastating, and my heart cant take experiencing that again :'-(

i already sent a message on here saying that your fic was the first fic to make me cry, possibly the first piece of LITERATURE in general to make me cry (i could be wrong but i cant remember any piece before that), and it made me cry 2 times when reading it for the first time. It is truly my favorite piece of McLennon fanfiction, but the only reason i dont fully consider it mine is that if someone were to ask me, it'd be too taboo/freaky to say but its truly one of the most heartfelt and complex ways ive ever seen anyone portray John and Paul while also feeling completely accurate and realistic. My god. And i love so many of your other fics too but The Sum of Them really means so much to me and I cant even say that enough. i wish you could just live as me and be inside my mind to fully grasp how much of an affect it had on me, I dont think i will ever be able to explain it sadly </3. But just know out of every McLennon fic ive ever read (and ive read many), THAT one is my very favorite out of like 100+. The way you characterize them is just so completely different from any other fic ive read and its so intimate and raw and holy shit i dont even have the words. Sorry i know im rambling at this point but I just think about it a lot! Also your fics are the only fics i enjoy anymore, (recent) beatles fics have gone down the drain in my opinion and yours are the only ones i can be satisfied with because, as far as im concerned, anything you write is automatically in-character for them after reading The Sum of Them lol x) thank you so SO much for writing cause it's truly exposed so many of my own desires and hidden , sensitive parts of myself that couldn't be excavated any other way without your work 💖

Dude... this is legitimately one of the best comments I've ever gotten. I wish I could memorize all of this and replay it for myself whenever I'm feeling blue. Thank you so so much, it means the world to me! I think all writers insert their own thoughts and emotions into their work, and I definitely do that in all of mine, but especially The Sum of Them. This fic is basically my wishlist of things I would do with a partner, as well as coming to better terms with my own kinks, so I'm glad it's been able to resonate with people. I'm also glad that I managed to keep John and Paul in character, even if John is crying every other paragraph lmao! I totally get what you're saying about wishing I could experience what you did, I wish I could too. Sometimes I reread my fics with the mindset of someone reading it for the first time, but it's just not the same. I'd give my left tit for more writers on my level or higher who wrote bottom!John or even ABDL fics, I swear. I don't read a lot of fics these days, but I'm usually disappointed whenever I check the Beatles tab. I'm also really really bad at remembering titles and author names, so I never remember what fics that I like! Thank God for bookmarks. I definitely understand not wanting to tell people that this is your favorite fic though, lol! I've been writing Beatles fics for a long time, but I created a new account on AO3 when I started writing these fics. I'm comfortable talking about this stuff, but only with the help of an alternate profile. I'm really really happy to help people explore this side of themselves though-- too often fics like mine are just really gross over-the-top and completely unrealistic portrayals in my opinion, and I guess I wanted to bring something sweeter and more realistic to the table. <3

[flwrkid14]

omg, okay, I love this! and I do have to say Danny would 100% be in Gryffindor, no question!

Like, sure, there are some other houses where he could fit, but when you really think about it, his bravery is just off the charts! I mean, he literally gets thrown into the deep end of this other world he never asked for, and he just rolls with it. He could have ignored his new powers (kind of like how he just glosses over the brutal fact that he died, although i definitely understand why he did), but no, he takes on this whole new life as the protector of his town, because he feels a deep need to protect people (its literally his obsession!). And that is so Gryffindor to me!

Like, he’s constantly putting himself in danger for the greater good, even when it’s super risky or he doesn’t fully understand the consequences. He doesn’t hesitate when someone he cares about is in danger, and that’s honestly so Gryffindor. They’re all about action, even when it’s scary, and Danny does that every single day!

But okay, let’s play devil’s advocate for a second, because like, I can see why some people might maybe think he could be in another house. Like, Slytherin? He has moments where he’s really strategic—he has to think on his feet all the time when it comes to dealing with ghosts and the chaos in his life, right? He’s super clever and knows how to use his ghost powers to get out of tricky situations. And sometimes he’s willing to make deals with ghosts (looking at you, Vlad) to keep people safe, and that could feel a little Slytherin-y, you know?

Like, he’s willing to bend the rules if it means protecting his loved ones. But Slytherins are more about self-interest, and Danny’s entire thing is about protecting others. He doesn’t really care about gaining power or using others to climb a ladder. He’s just doing it for the people he loves, so… yeah, I don’t think he really fits in Slytherin.

Okay, but wait, Ravenclaw? I guess, like, Danny’s pretty smart too, right? Like, he has to be to figure out all the ghost stuff, right? His ability to think quickly and solve problems is pretty impressive. And he’s curious, always digging deeper into the infinite realms and such, trying to understand it and figure out how to make it all work.

But, Ravenclaws? They like to sit back and think. They’re about knowledge for knowledge’s sake, and Danny is not about that. He’s jumping into action before he even has a chance to fully process what’s going on. He’s a doer, not a planner. Like, he doesn’t really sit down and do academic research; he goes out and figures stuff out on the fly. So… not really Ravenclaw.

Then there’s Hufflepuff. And yeah, I get it, Danny is super loyal. He’s got his friends’ backs, like, always (he’s a literal hero for his whole town), and he works so hard, even though everything in his life is a total mess. And Hufflepuffs are all about that dedication and hard work, right? But like, Hufflepuffs are also super patient and accepting, and Danny is… admittedly not that. He’s impulsive. He’s a reactionary guy—he’s not going to sit there and be all zen about things. When something happens, he goes into fight or flight mode, no hesitation.

Hufflepuffs tend to have this calm, steady energy that Danny just… doesn’t. His moral compass is a little too black-and-white for that, too. He doesn’t wait for the right moment, he just charges in headfirst.

So, yeah, at the end of the day, I really think Gryffindor fits him best. His obsession with protecting people? That’s totally Gryffindor. His drive to do the right thing, even when it’s hard and terrifying, is exactly what Gryffindors are made of! He's literally saving the world while juggling high school. And honestly, that’s the most Gryffindor thing ever. He doesn’t just fight because it’s the right thing to do, he does it because it’s what he feels like he has to do. That raw courage, that heart—that’s all Gryffindor!

Also, if you don't mind, tell me why, I'd love to hear your thoughts!

[sprintingowl]

Nahual

Nahual is one of my favorite Powered By The Apocalypse games, but I guess there's folks who don't know it, so here's a quick overview:

-You play as shapeshifters who own a business together.

-You own that business together because you're each poor, but as a group you can scrape by.

-Your business is the hunting of angels, and you sell their meat.

This is the least wild part of Nahual, a vibrant, flashy, vividly surreal dark urban fantasy.

It's also impressively grounded. For as much as you can teleport as the Aguila or harden your skin as the Armadillo, the game spends a lot of design energy tying you to your business, to your customers, to the structures of mortal power that surround you.

You might be able to 1 v 1 a mobster without much trouble, but that means angering their family, attracting notice from the police, disrupting the thousands of tiny currents of relationship and power that make up a city.

Of course, Powered By The Apocalypse's strength as an engine is that it promotes drama, and Nahual thrives on that drama. Mediocre rolls usually mean a choice---giving up something to get what you want. Bad rolls mean a new complication, or a much more dire choice. And the raw numbers of your character are fairly limited, so choices and complications will happen often.

Character progression is a core part of the game, and your shapeshifter develops as you play. You can make it easier on yourself to transform (normally you need a mask and psychoactive substances,) you can develop more abilities associated with your totem, and you can gain new totems. There are eight in the core book, each with a distinctly different feel, and more in the planned supplements---although I maintain the best is the Tlacuache, who can die temporarily to get out of danger.

Nahual is a relatively intricate game, and if you're planning on GMing it you should read it all the way through at least once, but on the players' end everything is pretty intuitive. The book does a very good job of teaching its mechanics and intended style of play, and even though there's a lot of it, it's not overwhelming.

Also, there isn't really a good place to bring this up organically, but I have *never* seen art in an rpg that's like Nahual's. Edgar Clement's work is detailed and expressive and weird and gorgeous. It's powerful and beautiful. Seriously, click over to the website for the single best piece I've ever seen in an rpg.

Overall, if you like things like World Of Darkness, or the show Diablero, or urban fantasy in general, or stories about crime, or games that feel intensely human, I strongly urge you to pick up Nahual. It's a striking, well-made game, and I'd love to see more people checking it out.

[freensrcha]

GIF MAKING IN PS

i've never done anything like this before so hope it makes some kind of sense.

so before you get into making gifs first thing so will need is some sort of editing software (i use ps 2022) and some raws obviously. most of the shows i gif are on yt so its pretty easy to get them and you can use any kind of yt to mp4 converter.

so once you have all of this i guess we can get started!!! on a daily basis i do not follow all these steps because you can easily turn them into actions on ps, which means that it would take just seconds. so although it may look lengthy its pretty simple

the first step to making gifs is importing the raws. you first want to go to file>import>video frames to layer. this will open up your file explorer from where you can choose your desired file. you may want to make sure your file isn't an mkv one but an mp4 before you do this. also if your raws are large, perhaps a whole episode or longer than 30 minutes, it might help to trim it down beforehand to make it easier to work with.

once you select your file, this window will open up. here, you can move the sliders to select the exact part of the clip you want for your gifs. (when files are larger, it would be more difficult to capture smaller parts of the clip using the sliders) although optional, selecting the limit to every 'x' frames will help reduce the size of your gifs while not making it look too choppy. i do 'every 2 frames' for regular scenes and leave it unchecked for anything in slow-mo. more than 2 usually makes the entire thing look sped up and choppy so i wouldn't recommend it. although it depends on the raws ideally you want something around 80 frames for one gif.

once you press okay on the above step, your workspace will open up and from here we can start making the gif. the first step would be to set the time delay. this is two ensure that the gif doesn't look sped up. for this you want to first select all the frames as shown above.

next, you can click on the downward arrow on any frame to change the time delay. i usually prefer 0.07s which you can set in other...

once you've set the time delay, you have to convert the frames into timeline as shown above.

now that you have your timeline as seen on the left side, all you have to do is convert everything into a smart object. for that you have to first select all the layers using the shortcut Ctrl+Alt+A and then right-click on the layers followed by convert to smart object

now you can see that the many layers have been converted into one layer making it easier to work with. the next step is to resize the gif. the original dimensions would make the gifs too large to fit tumblr's size limit, this can be done by going to image>canvas size

to ensure that tumblr does unnecessarily crop your gifs you want to make sure width is always 540px if there's going to be only one gif in a row. the height can be anything depending how you want your gif to look.

you can adjust the gif onto the new canvas using Ctrl+T to transform the layer. always ensure the height and width are linked to make sure you don't squeeze the image weirdly.

after resizing the gif, i next sharpen the gif (which is my least favourite part). you can sharpen by going to filter>sharpen>smart sharpen while the noise filter is in filter>noise>add noise

although i don't always stick to the same sharpening, these are the settings i use the most.

once i'm done with the sharpening i like to soften the first smart sharpen filter. for this i change the blending option of the first filter to 80%. this is entirely optional.

once sharpening is done, you can colour and edit however you like using any of the adjustment layers. i mostly prefer curves and selective colour. these are the curves i used for this particular gif to remove the purple/redness it had going on. in RGB mode the white slider adds brightness and the grey one darkness/contrast. then you can individually use the red, green and blue modes to adjust the colours. i only used selective colour here to adjust the skin tones a bit so i haven't added that.

once done with colouring all you have to do is export the gif from file>export>save for web (legacy)

in the last window you have to make sure your looping is forever and that your gif is below 9.5MB. although tumblr says max gif size is 10MB, at least for me nothing over 9.5MB uploads.

and THAT'S IT (i say after a whole one page essay) your gif is ready!!! honestly i don't know if this is the easiest or most convenient method but this is just how i do it. also i use actions for everything other than colouring so it isn't as time consuming as it looks. you can also set shortcuts for importing and exporting to save time. this can be done from edit>keyboard shortcuts

since you made it to the end here is an extra bit on captioning

you want to start with a normal text layer and center it at the bottom of the gif. i use arial bold italic in size 16. next to make it look better we can add an outline and shadow to it through the layer style. and you can open up this window either by clicking the fx option at the bottom right or double-clicking the text layer.

these are the settings i use for the stroke as well as the shadow

now it is ACTUALLY the end!!!

[personasintro]

Mimi ch 53 was a rollercoaster ride like my mind can’t absorb what was happening. But first let me thank you for working so hard on this and every other one of your story and sharing this with us 🫶🏼🫶🏼 Anyway some of my thoughts…

1. Its good that jk told his family about what happened. Sometimes we do need time on our own to process and accept what happened and him feeling like it is okay to share the burden now, somehow feels like he is finally ready, really ready to let go and move forward with his life. 💝

2. Ohhh them finally doing it raw is like the sexiest smut I have ever read. The teasing, anticipation then finally going at it is like okay. Yn riding his face and her squirting omg she’s so hot like dude give her to meeee 🫠

3. Yn moving out and Jimin calling them out on their situationship.. I kinda feel like there’s something more out this and it will affect how the rest of the story will pan out which leads me to my next one

4. Jk inviting Ester and missing on the communication like he suddenly brought this up a few days before the trip itself. I dunno but when yn was still living with him from ch 46-52, they never really argued. They communicated the best and now that they did the deed, and yn out of his apartment, it kinda feels like jk doesn’t care anymore and he can do whatever he wants. That is just me though. Yn might have overreacted a bit, but jk calling her selfish and childish and saying ester is his friend too like her and yn are on the same level is.. uncalled for I guess. Can we just go and inhale the Busan air back?? 🥲

5. When they were in Busan, jk acted so clingy and so boyfriend to yn. Which makes me think like finally, things are looking up and these two might fall in love with eo. But after this chapter it seems to me that jk only ever sees her as a bestfriend and that all it is is just fun and casual sex with him as what they tell their friends that they are JUST hooking up- for him it might be what it is. I cant say the same for yn because it seems like she’s falling for him even if she’s not yet aware about it.

Anyway sorry for this long ask. I thoroughly enjoyed the story even its giving me a a bit of anxiety hahaha excited to see what Yoongs will bring to the table. If his and ester character will bring the positive - yn and jk realising they like eo more than friends. Or not so positive as in yn and jk starting a relationship with other people. Either way I just hope they don’t actually ruin their friendship. You did such a good job of portraying the characters like readers genuinely love them or hate them, that’s how great you are as a writer!! Also, you keeping us on our toes all the freakin time is genius! I swear I don’t know where the story is leading us for sure but we’re here for the sweet long ride 🫶🏼

Thank you for reading this chapter and sending this in!! 💗

1. It does feel oddly freeing, doesn’t it? It would be completely fine if he decided not to tell them. Partly, he did tell them because he saw they see a few changes in him. But he told them when he was ready and that’s the most important thing 🫶

2. 🔥🔥🔥 that’s all I’m saying hehe glad you enjoyed those moments!!

3. Jimin definitely thinks this is not a good idea!

4. I mean… he can still do whatever he wants 🫢 in jk’s defense he did tell them as soon as he saw them, maybe he didn’t even consider it as big news or something that should cause an argument. If you look at it generally, it’s not a big deal at all. Only y/n made it a big deal. But yes, you’re right he definitely shouldn’t compare them but jk is still a man, there are a few things he doesn’t see like we do haha 🤭 Busan air is well needed in this situation!

5. Well, firstly they’re friends than anything else. From their point of view, they’re having fun. They have an amazing chemistry 🌪️

Thank you so much for this feedback! There are a lot of exciting things about to happen, I can’t wait to read them!! 💗🫶

[notnctu]

backseat chronicles - n.jm | ridin’ club

━ welcome to the ridin’ club smut series

genre ➠ slow burn, smut, fluff, lil angst  wordcount ➠ 8.5k details ➠ fem!reader, streetracer!jaemin, badboy!jaemin, college!au ━ where Jaemin brings you to his club races as his arm candy. warnings ➠ explicit language, overstimulation, flirty banter, pet names, softdom!jaemin, car sex, praise kink, hittin it raw (y/n on the pill), oral, daddy kink, slight corruption kink, fingering synopsis ➠ There is no reasonable explanation as to why or how you always end up in the backseat of Na Jaemin’s beloved car. Almost routinely, he picks you up around ten in the evening with the stereo blasting the raunchiest lyrics for your entire suburban neighborhood to hear. The entire night remains purely friendly, a dabble of flirtatious comments because well, it’s Jaemin for fuck sakes. But all it takes is one suggestive gaze from his dark, lustful eyes and a drop in his voice that rumbles your core to have you climbing over the seats to get to the back. taglist ➠ @rabbit-doyochi​​​ ; @darkneogotmyback​​​ ; @im-lame-irl​​​ ; @p-mini​​​ ; @niniluvsmarkhyuck​​​ ; @saniahmichael​​ ; @jaehy9ngs​​​ ; @danyxthirstae01​​​ ; @jaehyunoos​​​ ; @pikijaemin​​​ ; @suhweo​​​ ; @yunoyeol​​​ ; @lanadreamie​​​ ; @ta3ilmoon​​​ ; 

a/n ➠ hi yall its author doie❀!! thank you for over 1k notes on this series, im beyond impressed by the amount of attention this got! it really blew up and its so crazy!! i wrote this one with more of a romantic plotline i realized its too hard to keep it pwp with all the story building and characterization i have :)) it’s almost over yall! pls pls leave me feedback im sorry it took so long to write ):

While college lecture rooms are too big to interact with other students, discussion classes are there to ease the difficulty. A classroom for about twenty students from a three hundred person lecture. It’s administered by a clueless TA, who barely began his second term in graduate school.

Unlike lecture, attendance is mandatory for participation points. You show up every time without a fail, so it came as a shock to you when a certain blue haired student finally appeared from the list of absent students.

Na Jaemin. The notorious playboy with looks that kill and partakes in some illegal racing club. It’s as if every person in the room fawns over his aura, Jaemin drips with an inexplicable alluring confidence. You didn’t know anything about him besides the fact that he never shows up for class and rumors about how he’s slept with the entire cheer squad.

But he’s drawn to you like a magnet: always sitting in the available spot next to you, asking about your day before the TA arrives, developing an odd staring problem. You don’t feed much into his attention, minding your own business when he starts with his notably flirtatious greeting.

“You just take my breath away, (Y/N).” Jaemin cocks back in his seat with legs stretched wide in an overly comfortable manner. The smug smirk on his face cannot be ignored, he’s doing the absolute most to get you to pay the smallest attention to him.

“I didn’t do anything in particular to do that, Jaemin.” You respond bitterly, pulling out your notes for today’s discussion class. The TA enjoys wasting the first twenty minutes going over the past lecture slides and running through the most obvious topics.

You pay no mind to Jaemin peering over at you with the single handedly most dreamy eyes and smile --- stars shining in his dark orbs and a dazzling twinkle in his wide toothy grin.

“That’s why you’re so amazing. You do nothing and it still leaves me breathless.” His sneaky eyes examine your clothing choice for the long day. On this warm afternoon, the short tank top does nothing to hide much of your skin and the denim shorts that ride up a little too well drive Jaemin insane. And when you cross your legs together, he swallows the spit that pools in the back of his throat.

Your ears catch onto the murmurs of the rest of the class, the midterm is next week. The wretched midterm that is half of your grade dooms you, it is going to take an endless amount of completely undistracted dedicated hours of study--- “On a more serious note, can you help me with this class?”

His voice shatters your inner panic, if anything, adds to the stress that already beats down on your shoulders. You look up to glare at him, but you’re entirely taken aback by the new styling of his hair and the exposure of his tattoos.

The sweet blue cotton candied strands are ruffled lazily above his brows, messy from him constantly running his hand through them. Jaemin sits relaxed in gray sweatpants that are extremely baggy on his slender figure, hands are shoved casually into the pockets.

But what has you staring for longer is the long sleeve of tattoos that wrap around his left arm. Not that you’re surprised that Jaemin has tattoos, let alone a whole sleeve, but this is your first time seeing it as this is the first time he’s come to class without his leather jacket on. Something about the intricate lines and shadowing make Jaemin seem much cooler, almost more attractive.

When you meet his eyes, his lips curl slowly into a sly side smile and he’s practically eating you up under his gaze. He definitely knew that you were staring and what comes next out of his mouth will haunt you for it. “Like what you see, beautiful?”

“I don’t have the time to help you.” The best way out of this situation is to simply ignore it. Jaemin is overly adored and admired by many, he’ll find someone else to help him.

“Jaemin, do you want to study together?” There you go, folks. The random girl snickers with her small huddle of friends in the upper corner of the room, like a crowd of crows, they’re all waiting around for Jaemin to accept her offer so he can be easily integrated into their little group.

However, you watch how his glances bounce between you and her. The most sickly sweet, kind smile is almost too fake to consider it to be genuine. His final choice surprises you, “thank you for offering, but I only want (Y/N)...”

Your breath hitches and gets caught in your throat as you hope for him to finish his sentence, the drumming of your heart distracting you even more. Jaemin wants you? While the thought is flattering, it puzzles you greatly.

“... to help me with my studies.” Jaemin finishes his sentence after a rather long pause, his eyes finally resting upon your figure shying away and finding any way to seem uninterested in the conversation. “Is that going to be okay, (Y/N)?”

“What do I get out of it?” You can’t believe that you are actually considering it. But this is a man that only wants you to help him. Jaemin is an impossible, yet charming man and whatever comfortable attire he is wearing today is really aiding in his request.

He lights up, ears perked up and eyes attentive. His hands fold together on the empty desk, leaning forward towards you. “Dates with me.”

Rolling your eyes, you groan slightly at the arrogant answer. “I don’t care about that. I want something that benefits me.”

“I’ll make sure you’re well fed.” There is a tiny plea in his tone, a remarkable shift from his cool aura. “What do you want? I’ll give it to you.”

“I guess I can’t turn down free food…” there is a hang in your sentence as you contemplate what chaos you’re about to dive into and what life changes are about to be explored with Jaemin.

“Before you agree,” Jaemin chuckles, “there’s one more thing I’d like you to do for me.”

You’re quick to shoot a daggering glare at the overly enthusiastic boy, “why do I suddenly owe you favors?”

“Because I say so.” He deadpans, a chill running down your spine at the deep dip in his octave. The playfulness that was present all this time suddenly vanished, a serious look that intimidates you, but sexy enough to where it erupts something in your core. He blinks at you with dark clouded eyes and you nervously anticipate what he is going to ask next of you.

“Accompany me to my races.” He speaks lowly as if he’s afraid of someone else eavesdropping in the conversation.

Here’s your issue with that request: you’ve never really been part of that scene. You’ve lived pretty mundanely, even in college. It’s simple, you like to stay within the boundaries of what you enjoy to do and what you have to do. But you’re always open minded and willing to try something to determine whether or not you’re fond of it.

Partying and drinking copious amounts of alcohol weren’t your favorite things to do, especially to the point of forgetting your nights. You wanted to remember your nights as much as you do your days. The youth isn’t here for long, why waste them by blacking out in the middle of a large party? Also, whoever said that alcohol goes down smooth is a blatant liar.

Illegal racing could possibly be an extension of people who participate in those things, which is fine, but does place a crippling fear of coming off too boring or unrelatable inside your nervous system. But just because you don’t do those things doesn’t mean that you’re not as cool, right?

Since when was your status based nonsensically on how often you spend your nights in socializing crowds full of sweaty bodies and how much cheap booze you can drink? It had to be all in your head --- you’re just dreading any awkward socializing with people who race cars when it’s absolutely illegal.

“Why me?” It’s a genuine answer, possibly stemming from your insecurities of not being on the same level of charm as Jaemin exudes. You’re not a fool, you’re well aware of the many different people he comes across on campus so, why you?

Jaemin doesn’t hesitate to answer, “why not you? You’re just my type. Hot and smart. Cute and a little shy. The greatest duality, if you ask me.” His words seem so genuine that it has you believing these things about yourself as well.

Nonetheless, you’re taken aback by his observations and his choice of descriptions. “We’ve barely ever talked. How can you say these things so confidently about me?”

Jaemin slightly pulls your chair closer to his own and you yelp in response to the sudden movement and lack of space that separates the two of you. He leans into you, breath hot on your skin and obvious eyes darting between your shocked ones and pretty lips.

“So let’s get to know each other. I can already tell that it’ll just make me fall for you even more.” His finger lightly traces your jaw, stopping at your chin to give it a small lift to meet his focus. Jaemin loves how you squirm underneath his intensity, you’re too cute to let go. “Plus, my boys will love you. I’m sure of it.”

The TA rushes in quickly and is utterly distressed from the traffic that had pushed back his schedule. “Sorry, I’m late everyone.” He rummages through his things to find his notes, but groans to see that the monitor of the computer is off. It’s going to take him another ten minutes to input all his credentials.

But your attention doesn’t stray from Jaemin, especially with his delicate touch at the bottom of your chin. His gentle smile enacts nothing but a soft love, and a peak of interest. Na Jaemin, the one and only. He’s like an adventure waiting to be explored, an open bottle of fun for you to take a sip.

“What would I have to do?” Your voice comes out shaky.

“Just be there as your pretty self.” Jaemin comes off as the type to always have women around him, “you’ll be my lucky charm. For some reason, I always feel better around you.”

The escalation of this conversation is possibly more action you’ve had to handle in the last two years. Jaemin drops your chin and falls back into his own seat with his arms crossed. He is about to turn your life upside down and whether that be a good or bad thing, you don’t mind. You’re excited for the new thrills that come with being by Na Jaemin’s side.

Jaemin’s hot hands lift your shirt quickly, throwing it towards the front seat of his car. His lips return to your soft neck, nibbling at your skin tenderly and with love bites that will remind you of his gentle touches. The streetlamps outside flicker impatiently as you feel the eagerness soaking your panties and he lifts you up to take them off.

“My sweet girl,” his voice is light and airy that it becomes almost lost in the heat of the car. “You’re excited tonight. Did you miss me?” The devilish smirk can be felt upon your collarbones.

“Yes, I haven’t seen you for almost five days.” A peculiar whine settles in your pout and Jaemin’s low growl sends shivers down your spine. The only barrier are his own tight jeans and your hands are fast at unbuckling his belt. Jaemin relaxes back, forearms resting on your soft thighs and watching the neediness in your expression and the speed of your hands. He smiles to himself seeing you this way, wanting him so badly that you can’t wait to get him out of his jeans.

Throughout the two months that you and Jaemin finally became well acquainted, he’s fallen inexplicably into your trance. His friends made it very clear to you that he doesn’t keep the same girl around for more than a few weeks. But he’s brought you to almost every race so far and despite the initial shock of your appearance after the third time, you didn’t let the passing comments phase you.

Why he hasn’t replaced you is unknown and truthfully, there is no reasonable explanation how you always wind up in the backseat of his car by the end of the night. It’s become part of your routine. Jaemin picks you up around ten in the evening with raunchy lyrics blasting out of his personalized car for your entire suburban neighborhood to hear. More often than not, Jaemin has food ready for you to devour and a cozy blanket for your exposed legs.

You’ve learned a bit more about him through your backseat chronicles. Jaemin is possibly one of the only people in your life with a heart bigger than his own body, while also being as carefree as he can. Oddly enough, he cares about you as his friend and as his companion. Not to mention the ridiculous, yet endearing nickname, “Lucky Charm”, that he has coined upon you.

Jaemin has been the best adventure you’ve had in ages. While he takes you on intoxicating thrill rides on the leather of his back seats, every street race has been more than unforgettable. He shares one of the same values as you --- wanting to remember the present. You both know that you’ll remember each other enough for it to transcend into your next lives.

You have him to thank for your youthful experiences, to learn and dive into this new found world of mischief under his care. Jaemin treats you extraordinarily well, he’d never hurt a soul. He showers you in appraisal and carefulness, he’s attentive to your behavior and remembers your favorite things. And he reminds you almost every time you see him that he’s so grateful to have you in his life.

“Have you been touching yourself?” Jaemin’s bold question catches you off guard as it causes your hands to shyly hover over his unzipped jeans. When you glance up at him with soft innocent eyes, as if you’re guilty of a crime and wish to beg for forgiveness, his facial expression is serious and intimidating. 

“Continue, baby. You can be honest with me. Daddy isn’t going to punish you if you did.” His tone is sweet and light, but his eyes are dark and piercing. His lips are drawn tightly into a thin line, no curve in sight.

His finger grazes down your cheek gently as he admires your slightly parted lips and the way your eyelashes dance every time you blink. However, his other hand urges you to continue your previous action of getting him out of his restrictive jeans.

You nod, while rubbing his erection through his gray briefs that hug him so tightly. There’s a sharp intake of breath when you pull the waistband of his underwear down and his cock stands against his lower abdomen. “Do you think of me when you do?” His voice gets caught in his throat when you take him in your warm hand.

“Always.” You kiss his jawline and fix your position above his dick. Your slick pussy presses down against his shaft, coating it in your juices and rubbing his tip to your clit for a delicious sensation. Jaemin groans, his gaze dipping between your lower bodies and back to your face.

“My sweet (Y/N) thinks about her daddy fucking her senseless while she touches herself.” Jaemin chuckles darkly, grinding his hips harder against you. There is a shift in the atmosphere as he grips your hips and slowly enters your dripping hole. “That’s cute, baby.”

You hold onto his shoulders as his raw dick fills you to the brim, stretching you out like past nights. Gasps leave your body when he starts pulling all the way out to only have you sink back down. “Daddy, please just fuck me.”

Jaemin picks up his speed, knowing that you have a quiz due at midnight that you scolded him for forgetting earlier. The grip on his shoulders tighten as this man navigates your body all too well. He knows you like the back of his hand, fucking the spot that causes your body to lose control.

One of his favorite sights in the world is the view of your lips parted open with loud whimpers falling effortlessly. Your eyes roll back into your skull as his hips roll deeper into your walls, the tip hitting your sweet spot repeatedly.

“You’re always the best girl for me, aren’t you?” His hand wraps around your neck when you throw your head back, choking you lightly and your walls grip around his shaft. “I know you’re close. Cum on my dick, baby. Be a good girl.”

Jaemin’s tattoos shine under the moonlight when you peer down at him. His hooded eyes are intoxicated by the pure image of your fucked out body and he’s truly in love. “My good girl, come on baby.” He continues to encourage, his other hand giving you a smack on your ass when he drills mercilessly into you.

The familiar bubbling occupy your lower half and the feeling of release unravels all so suddenly. You fall forward, Jaemin lets go of your neck to hold your limp body close to him, your head on his shoulder as your orgasm overtakes you. He grinds his hips into you to prolong your shaking climax, cooing sweet nothings in your ear as his other hand takes a whole handful of ass to squeeze.

He bottoms out, filling you up to the rim to cum deep inside of you. Jaemin moans loudly, his cum spilling all over your walls. You two sit like that until he grows soft, pampering your temples with gentle kisses. Jaemin remembers to take care of you, no matter what.

While you’re in his arms, he reaches for sanitary wipes in the side compartments. He lifts your hips slowly to pull out and you sigh at the emptiness. Gently, he swipes at the dripping cum from your pussy and makes sure that you’re all cleaned up before getting dressed.

“So, you want to tell me why you’ve been MIA for the past five days?” Rolling your eyes, you pull up your panties and fix the last decency of your hair.

“Car meets that are too far for me to take you.” His thumb rubs your chin lovingly and Jaemin’s eyes are so bright and mesmerizing, you find that it’s hard to look him in the eye at times.

“Not because you’ve been hooking up with other girls?” There is a tinge of sarcasm that laces your rhetorical question and though you don’t expect him to give you an actual answer, you take note of his reaction. Jaemin raises an eyebrow, clearing his throat and looking out the window away from you.

“And if I was?” Truthfully, that question hurt you more than your’s hurt him. His hand rests underneath his chin as he patiently waits for your answer. He admires the clear night sky and the rundown abandoned liquor store that stands all by itself.

“What do you want me to say?” Question after question, a stiff tension replaces the sex of the car.

“I’ll take you back now.” Jaemin crawls back to the driver’s seat, completely ignoring your confused figure. He has always been quite like this: going aloof whenever he wants to dodge something. However, it’s been happening more frequently the past times you two have been seeing each other.

The truth is simple, yet entirely complex at the same time. You and Jaemin aren’t dating, despite always going out together and him posessively introducing you to other men. You and Jaemin aren’t dating.

Nevertheless, it doesn’t stop you from growing feelings for him and you can tell that this happens too often for the attractive boy. He can’t have a fuckbuddy that won’t fall head over heels for him. But who could really blame you? Even if all this time Jaemin was pretending that he cared about you, he still pampers you like a princess; he still tells you he does.

But when it comes to discussion about advancing into something more, he hides and grows silent. This has you wondering, maybe this entire thing to him is all sex? And he can’t love you back the way you do.

No one knows his heart, not even himself. He’s never wanted to complicate his life, it’s always been about two things: racing and having fun. There is no easy way to explain it all, the thoughts that flood his mind and heart, so he chooses every way to ignore it. Overall, he’s genuinely lost. You are one source of stability in his life that he isn’t willing to let go, ever. But just because he won’t let you go, doesn’t mean that you won’t take the chance to leave when you’re fed up with him.

This has him wondering, how far can he push before he pushes you too far?

“No, it’s fine. I’ll just walk.” Tonight is unsettling, it usually doesn’t end like this. Jaemin locks the car doors and turns around to reach for your hand. “Jaemin, open the door.”

“I want you to say that you hate when I sleep with other people.” Jaemin confesses all too wildly as his hand lightly squeezes around your wrist. “And I want you to mean it.” He’s only speaking words of truth that haven’t had the time to process in his own thoughts.

“I hate when you sleep with other people.” And you do mean it. You mean it more than anything you’ve ever said to this man. Jaemin just sighs, bringing your wrist to his lips for a lasting kiss.

“Can I drive you home?” Jaemin asks softly, eyes dipping down to the leather seats and avoiding all need for eye contact.

“Yes, Jaemin.” He pulls you back into the passenger seat and drapes the soft blanket over your exposed legs. “Hopefully, I still have time to take my quiz.”

“Can I come inside?” Jaemin coolly turns his marble wheel to reverse out of the parking space, a hand resting on the shoulder of your seat as he does a double take behind him for any pedestrians, even if you two are far out in the middle of nowhere and there isn’t anyone around; Jaemin knows you have the hots for him when he does that specific move.

“What do you mean? You’ve already cum inside.”

It’s the sound of disappointment as his tongue tsks at you and he flicks lightly at your forehead. He steps on the acceleration, revving the annoying engine that roars throughout the peaceful night. The multicolored lights illuminate around his stereo and at your feet, creating the Rainbow Road right out of Mario Kart. 

Jaemin isn’t like the others who pay close attention to the details of his car. His motto goes, “if I like it, I’m going to have it.” Whether or not anything matches goes beyond his worries.

In some ways, his car is a mirror of his own personality --- wild and free, colorful and welcoming. And his skills as a driver? Safe, no matter how far the speedometer goes, Jaemin always makes you feel safe.

“I mean come inside your room for aftercare. You know how much I hate leaving you without a proper cuddle.” He pouts and almost immediately his cute baby tone comes out with his beg. Almost subconsciously, Jaemin lays his right palm open facing up to invite yours in. Almost routinely, you lace your hands to complete his hold. Getting Jaemin to smile has never been easier as his hold grows tighter.

“You can’t stay over tonight though. My housemates are doing some Single Girls Only house event tomorrow and it starts immediately when we wake up.” You laugh as the ridiculous words fill the air.

“And you’re participating in that?” Jaemin mindlessly asks and you’re unable to differentiate his implications from the question. Is he asking because the idea is horrendously nothing you’d like to do or he’s implying that you’re not single?

“Why wouldn’t I?” Sounding rather harsher than intended, Jaemin finally realizes how poorly he had worded his previous question. Yet, a part of him feels disappointment whirling in his chest and a desire to feel wanted by you.

“Doesn’t seem like something you’d like: wallowing in your singleness.” He chuckles, remaining lighthearted and playful.

“I really don’t.” Jaemin brings your knuckles up to his lips for a lingering kiss, his eyes darting quickly on the road ahead now that you’ve entered the metropolitan areas and his speed drops significantly to avoid getting ticketed.

“I’ll come pick you up. Instead of being single tomorrow, you’ll be on a date.” When you turn to examine his facial expression, the serious tension in his jawline and focused eyes alarm you. Your stomach twists into knots and if he couldn't already tell, your palms grow sweaty at his offer.

“That’s such a slap in the face to them.” Pulling your hand away from his, you cross your arms and lean your head against the cold window. “I don’t think I can do that to them.”

“I have a race tomorrow.” He starts, his head tilting over at you with his round gorgeous begging eyes, “at least, come to that with me.”

“Okay, but only because I want to see Haechan.” As if it wasn’t moments ago, Jaemin was the one balls deep in you and now you’re spewing enthusiasm for another man. It’s all a joke, a way for you to conceal your undying attraction for Jaemin.

You still remember the first time you met the sunshine that is Haechan and the jealousy that seeped from Jaemin’s words when he noticed the exchange of flirtation. Haechan is someone you’d knowingly gravitate towards: a man with a loud personality that just knows how to conduct every personality in the room. And at that moment, Jaemin couldn’t tell if being more observant was a good or bad thing.

Jaemin never saw himself as outgoing as his other friends, staying more kept in his own circle, but he had the confidence to fake it. He’s bold, rather impulsive and slightly narcissistic, Jaemin knows how to use his strengths very well. 

However, when he saw the soft smirk on Haechan’s face and your shy mannerisms, a small tinge in his chest ignited a died out flame. He didn’t realize it before, but that was the very start of his long tumble of feelings for you.

“Do you say those things to purposefully get me jealous?” Jaemin rests his hand on your thigh, giving it a harsh squeeze. His eyes never leave the road and his tone reverts back to his dominant tone.

“Well, are you jealous?” It’s like you two dance in circles, answer questions with a question does not stop.

And as bratty as your tone is, you don’t expect the quick “yes” that answers back and the smoldering look he gives you briefly before focusing back on the drive.

“Then good.” You huff, ready to hop out of the car after the odd, yet sensual tension. Jaemin pulls up to your house and double parks the car to lean in for a nightly goodbye kiss.

“You’re not coming in?” You try to read his facial expressions, but he hides his emotions too perfectly.

His lips curl into a smile before saying, “I think it’s better I cool off tonight.” And you mindlessly give him a peck, but he holds your face to deepen it. Through the kiss, you can feel the neediness by the way Jaemin shoves his tongue into your mouth. The taste of lust against your palette is difficult to ignore, but your academically responsible mind screams at you about your forgotten quiz.

Your hand lightly taps at his chest and he pulls away, his eyes drinking up your swollen lips. “I have a quiz, Jaemin.”

“I know, sorry. It’s just so easy to get lost in you.” Jaemin kisses your cheek once more before you exit. You smile back at him as his words have grown a strong effect on you lately. Bidding him goodbye, he wishes you sweet dreams as he patiently makes sure you’re fully inside your house.

“Is the music too loud?” Jaemin checks over at your hunched figure in the passenger seat. You’re diligently flipping through your thick textbook, a yellow highlighter in one hand and the other comfortably holding Jaemin’s.

The worst part of college is the never ending midterms that are given at any time. Studying in his car isn’t a rare sight, if anything it is more expected than you not doing anything related to your academics. But Jaemin genuinely doesn’t mind, even being mindful about his own actions to ensure an optimal studying space for you.

He really is an ideal guy. Like his first promise, he keeps you well fed and never once asks you for any monetary pay back. Jaemin adjusts the car temperature before you even step into the vehicle, knowing that you prefer wearing less clothes rather than more. Though he isn’t academically responsible, he still makes the effort to try and understand enough information to pass his classes.

The sole flaw would be the lack of open communication. It’s genuinely difficult for you to read his emotions or intentions. Jaemin always has a dazed look in his eyes whenever he looks at you, and it’s an internal fight about whether or not you’re being delusional.

“Music is fine, honey.” The mindless use of a pet name slips from your lips, but your concentration on neoliberalism and globalization doesn’t allow for you to notice.

Nevertheless, Jaemin catches on immediately to the usage. While he showers you in ridiculous nicknames, you’re not one to do so. “Honey?”

“Yes?” You answer back carelessly, not entirely actively listening to him as you highlight an important concept in your book.

“No, you called me honey.”

Looking up from your page, you blink at him with wide eyes and mouth slightly agape. “I did?”

Jaemin chuckles and finally pulls into the overly crowded parking lot, a whole mass of fanboys cheering at the arrival of his flashy vehicle. Everyone just loves Jaemin.

This familiar scene plays like a reel --- several high beams cast light under the dark sky due to the lack of functioning street lamps, dizzy multicolored cars that blaze the tracks, and the all too distinct smell of musky cologne in the chilly air. Oh, and the wide eye admirable stares when you get out of the car.

“Hi, you’re stunning.” A bold new recruit blinks at you in complete awe and awkwardly clears his throat once he realizes his rash comment.

Jaemin raises an eyebrow at him, then at how you plan on handling the situation. You’re flattered, nonetheless, but know that Jaemin didn’t bring you here to flirt with other men. “Thank you. I hope you enjoy your membership in the Ridin’ Club.”

The gracefulness in your delicate voice has the youthful recruit swooning and subtly giddy as he runs off to join a group of others that have been eying you across the parking lot. Jaemin casually drapes his leather jacket over your exposed shoulders, knowing the temperature change is going to result in you most likely catching a cold and because you never bring a jacket despite his plea.

“The power you hold.” Jaemin winks at you before pulling you into a larger crowd to socialize with more impressionable recruits.

“Ah, so you’re (Y/N)!” The stranger is unrecognizable, but you giggle to acknowledge his confident statement. “We haven’t met before, but Jaemin was talking about you the other night at our motorcycle meet.”

Your eyes light up, as if you’ve unlocked a new fun fact of Na Jaemin. “You drive a motorcycle too?” You’re truly shocked at the talent of this man.

Jaemin snakes his arm around your lower waist to draw you closer to his side. “Yeah, but I can’t fuck you in a motorcycle, can I?”

Before the other men can comment on the obvious sexual tension that Jaemin created, he leans in to whisper into your ear. “Actually, I can, but we’ll save our decency from unwanted exposure.” His hot breath grazes against the shell of your ear and you just know where you two are going to end up tonight.

“Bro, you guys probably fuck in the backseat of his car.” One of them chimes recklessly, punching at each others’ chest playfully as if he made a decent joke.

“Why don’t you stay to find out?” Jaemin retorts and the grip on your hip becomes tighter. You’re too flustered to add much into this odd form of competitive banter, distracted by none other than the way Jaemin keeps glancing over at you with a delicious gleam in his eyes.

“So what? You don’t care about us now?” You’d know that bratty tone from anywhere as Lee Haechan pushes past everyone else to rush over to the both of you.

“Aw, are your feelings hurt?” Jaemin sticks his tongue out at his friend before cordially sharing a handshake with him.

“Just slightly.” Haechan looks over at you with a wide grin and playful eyes, “hello, my pretty girl.”

“Drop the possessives, Haechan.” Jaemin rolls his eyes with an irritable twitch on his lips.

He hates how obviously jealous he gets. It’s something too difficult for himself to control, he’s exhausted his efforts to bite his tongue whenever it comes to other people’s flirtations. The thought of someone else calling you theirs doesn’t sit well with him.

“I understand your jealousy, Jaem. If someone was flirting with (Y/N), I wouldn’t be able to stand it either.” Haechan fixes the falling jacket on your shoulders. “But she can handle herself, I know those pretty lips have a mind of their own.” His gaze drops momentarily, yet obvious enough for you to grow shy at how strong Haechan is coming off tonight.

“Stop trying to corrupt her, that’s my job.” Jaemin playfully pushes at Haechan’s chest and they both break out laughing.

“I haven’t said one thing and you’re both talking about me as if I’m not here.” Your small pout is literally the cutest thing to Jaemin. He physically has to stop himself from planting the sweetest kiss on it.

It’s blatantly clear that you’re hot stuff. You’re the perfect example of a head turner, your captivating aura has its ability to suffocate those around you. However, Jaemin has seen all sides of you, but overall finding you so entirely cute. And oddly enough, Jaemin has a knack for cute things.

“Is that (Y/N) I hear?” Huang Renjun engulfs you in a hug, showing clear affection and doesn’t mind doing so. “How did your project go?”

“It went well. You accomplish a lot when you don’t procrastinate.” Renjun gleams at your statement and if Jaemin is delusional enough, he’d probably mistaken the twinkle in his eyes for infatuation instead of admiration.

“You’re so responsible, why are you messing with Jaemin?” Renjun sighs and though his question is more of a joke, there is some truth behind his words.

Your friendship with his friends differ immensely compared to other girls who have come around. Like Jaemin had said before, his boys were going to like you and they do, a lot. Sometimes making it obvious that you’re too good for him.

Jeno comes up from the side, an unidentifiable bruise on his neck and a new cut on his brow. Lee Jeno being such a rough character, his appearance speaks well about how his day has been.

But when he lays his eyes on you, it’s as if all his pain is replaced with joy and security. “(Y/N)! I haven’t seen you in so long!” The enthusiastic boy rushes over to greet you with a warm smile.

“I’m pretty sure I was here a week ago.” You laugh, but welcome him in your arms for a tender friendly hug and pat his head out of habit.

“It’s been a week?! That’s so long.” Jeno narrows his eyes at Jaemin and flicks his forehead.

“Ow!” Jaemin exclaims while rubbing the pain away. “You act like she doesn’t go to the same school as us and therefore, can see her any time you want to.” The tone in Jaemin’s voice raises some eyebrows as they all exchange glances to each other before bursting into laughter.

“Like your jealous ass would allow for that?” Haechan remarks and Jaemin doesn’t outwardly react. However, Jaemin’s hand is squeezing you so tight that you’re more than certain he’s bothered by the comment.

“Oh, stop it. You all know I’m Team Jaemin. He does have the most wins this past month.” You only know that through Jaemin’s proud boasting, anything else in the racing world is unknown to you.

Jaemin situates you in between his legs as he slightly sits on the hood of his car. His arms wrap around your middle and chin rests on your shoulder. Public display of affection isn’t a problem for him, and you learned much earlier that Jaemin can’t keep his hands off of you.

Renjun scoffs at your whimsical fact, in absolute disbelief. “It hurts more hearing you say it. I’m getting my car upgraded, but once it’s done, I’m going to blaze his ass on the tracks.”

“Are you racing today?” Jeno asks the blue haired fellow that clings onto you like a koala.

“Yeah, against a newbie. Apparently he’s really good, so I’m not too sure I’ll win.” Jaemin mumbles into your hair.

“You say that every time, yet you win!” Renjun crosses his arms, weight shifting to his left leg as he pops his hip out. There is always a sense of competition between anyone with Renjun.

Jaemin perks up behind you and when you turn around in his arms, you’re face to face with a beaming smile. “That’s because I have you.” Eyes lock with yours, he isn’t saying that directed to Renjun. Na Jaemin has you wrapped around his pinky, the butterflies fluttering in your stomach are too hard to ignore.

“Alright, lovebirds. Get in your car and let’s start this shit.” Haechan groans and claps his hands to draw the crowd’s attention. Cupping them around his mouth, he roars into the starry night, “let’s roll!”

During the race, Jaemin’s number one priority is to keep you safe. While you’ve sat in his car for a number of times now, it’s different once the loud bang goes off and he’s hitting 100 mph. Tonight’s track is much more dangerous, with twists and turns that can have the vehicle flying weightlessly if he’s not careful.

“You trust me, right?” Jaemin has both hands on the wheel and the engine rumbling as you both anticipate the start of the race.

Spectators watch on the sidelines as if it’s the ultimate battle, but Jaemin doesn’t pay them much mind. He’s more concerned about you instead. “Of course. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t be sitting here right now. You’ve proven yourself that you’re an excellent driver, so let’s win this.”

Jaemin smirks at your encouraging words, feeling a warmth spread across his chest. “I’ll tap out any time you want me to, okay?”

You nod and the initial whip of the car is so intense that you didn’t even register the sound off. It’s not your first race, but it’s been awhile since the last one. When you adjust to the pressure, the lanes in front of you cause a slight queasiness in your stomach.

It’s a two lane windy road that wraps around the mountain side and Jaemin happens to be in the outer lane. All it takes is a second of lost control and you two will hit the metal railings that guard the cliff below. Despite your inner panic, Jaemin guides you through the pooling anxiety that leaves you restless.

“(Y/N), look up and out the window. We’re coming up on the cliff side view, I’ve always wanted to bring you here.” Your eyes land on the dazzling glitter that dances on the ripples of the lake. It’s so vast, the moon high up in the sky is reflected on the water below. It’s a romantic scene of melancholy and bliss. Suddenly, you feel at peace in the middle of this high speed race.

“It’s beautiful, Jaem.” You whisper calmly and he’d reach for your hand to hold, but races take too much wheel control. And he’d turn to look at you, but races take too much concentration on the road ahead.

But throughout every obstacle, he hears the gentleness and the solidarity in your cadence in the midst of all the high stress. He, too, feels peace. He feels calm knowing that you’re simply by his side, even in the face of danger. So, he can finally admit to himself… he genuinely developed feelings for you.

Before you know it, you’re thrusted side to side from the sharp turns and the adrenaline kicks in when the other racer catches up right next to Jaemin. “Fuck,” Jaemin curses underneath his breath and steps harshly on the acceleration. “Baby, I’m going to go a bit faster so hold onto something.” He warns and your hand finds the grab handle. It’s neck and neck at this point.

Usually, you squeeze your eyes shut to avoid becoming too overwhelmed by the sights in front of you. Tonight is different, not entirely knowing why, you’re observing every element that circles around the perimeter.

The finish line is up ahead, but there is no sign that the other racer is slowing down. Then, you see it: the fatal mistake that can cost you both of your lives if you didn’t catch it. “Jaemin, watch out!” You yelp when the other car inches dangerously close, your warning allows Jaemin to make a controlled swerve away from a possible hit.

Jaemin shakes his head and tsks at the recklessness. “Now I know why he’s good. It’s foul play.” He blows his bang out of his eyes and casually says, “thank you for warning me. This is why I need you by my side.”

He makes it to the finish line barely before the other, winning the race by half a second. Jaemin brakes smoothly, tire marks scrapping the concrete below, and you both exit the car to celebrate with everyone else.

But before the mass of eager shouting men make their way over to you two, Jaemin hurries to your side to pull you into a steamy, rewarding kiss. The scene is just like the movies; his hand on your lower back and yours on his chest lightly. His lips taste like triumph, like he had won more than just a simple race against a random stranger. He’s won the best person he could ever have.

You two fled the scene after cussing out the other racer. It was a rare sight to see: Jaemin being all bothered and angry, practically fuming after scrambling back into the driver’s seat. However, your mind had mischievous plans of its own and all it took was one look from his hooded eyes for you to announce that you wanted him --- badly.

Back in your usual abandoned parking lot, Jaemin pauses before following you to the back seats. With the engine off and the dead of the night being absolute silent, the tension remains thick around you two. “(Y/N),” Jaemin is about to confess something he never thought he’d admit. He turns to you sitting in the middle seat with just your panties on and a curious look on your face.

His heart burns and despite being so incredibly aroused, he controls his urges enough to be able to say, “I’m into you.”

“I know you’re into me, that’s how we ended up like this in the first place.” You giggle cluelessly to his words, still not understanding the odd shift in mood and intentions. It’s always his unclear, messy intentions.

Though he can’t entirely figure out his puzzle pieces, he has plenty to connect the dots. “I like you. I want to be in a relationship with you and call you my girlfriend.”

You’re stunned. Did Jaemin just confess to you as you sit in your panties ready to fuck? This softness is different from the sides you’ve seen of him. It’s similar to a lost bunny, wandering grasslands to find a purpose. He looks so fragile, one intense stare and he’d crumble. This softness is vulnerability.

“So do it.” The boldness catches him off guard, but switches on the dominance in him. “If you want me, come show it.”

He climbs over the middle console to push you into the leather seats. “Not acting shy anymore, are you?” Practically ripping your shirt off of you, he cups your breast lightly and flicks at your nipples. Your immediate reaction results in a rush of wetness down your core.

“Before I forget,” sitting up, you share a passionate kiss that you’ve held back long enough. You give it every ounce of feeling you have for him. “If it isn’t obvious enough, I like you too.”

“It’s obvious, baby.” Kissing your nose, he wraps a hand around your throat to lightly push you back down. “But hearing you say it out loud makes me happy.” Jaemin smirks, hand still choking you gently and pampering your jawline with soft kisses.

His free hand reaches down into your dripping panties, circling your clit with your wetness. The sensation causes you to whimper for more. “Daddy, give it to me.” You wiggle in his palm, knowing that the nickname is more than effective.

“My sweet (Y/N) wants to get fucked?” Jaemin rolls your underwear off and rids himself of his own bottoms.

“Yes, please.” Through the darkness, his hard dick stands proudly. Jaemin lines himself up as he thrusts into you without another second of hesitation. He waits for you to adjust to his size, his tip barely grazing your sweet spot. “Fuck…”

“You take me so well, my pretty baby.” Jaemin starts moving his hips, slowly at first to build a rhythm. Taking your legs, he presses them into your chest to fuck you at a deeper angle. And you feel him practically in your guts, his cock pumping against your walls deliciously and bumping into your g-spot. “Do you want more of me?”

Your train of thought is in utter shambles and whatever Jaemin is saying to you barely processes. You’re overwhelmed by a pleasure that fills every system, every part of your body. To answer him, you let out an incoherent noise of approval.

Jaemin pulls your hips down while thrusting forward into you, maximizing every inch of his strokes. This single action causes you to scream and grip onto the headrest. “Who knew my sweet girl could be so fucking dirty?” Jaemin chuckles darkly, his cadence dropping several decibels. “When I first met you, I wanted to ruin you.”

All of his filthy words edge you closer to your release as he continues to repeat his previous motion. He holds your hips in place to grind into you, the feeling of his tip rubbing your walls has your eyes rolling back. “Do you want to cum, (Y/N)?”

“Yes!” You yell, the tight ball in your lower abdomen is bound to break any minute. “I want to cum so badly, please.” You beg and moan, the arch in your back lifts you from the seat of the car. Jaemin snaps his hips into you, drilling you quickly to reach your high. And you break. An euphoric cry fills the air as your walls clench around his length. You hear the extra wetness create a slick noise, but Jaemin isn’t done with you yet.

“You wanted to cum so fucking badly. I’ll reward you with one more for being such a good girl for me.” His thumb flicks at your clit and you convulse into spasms from the sensitivity. Your violently shaking legs can’t hold themselves up anymore and Jaemin rests them on his shoulders. He lines kisses along your ankle as the pleasure overtakes you.

“I don’t think I can do it.” You whine, your fingers twisting and toes curling.

“You are going to try, okay baby?” He coos, but it’s most definitely a demand. He sits back on his knees to pick up more speed, fucking endlessly into your swollen pussy and thumb rubbing fast strips against your bud.

“I’m going to snap, Jaem.” You cry, tears rimming your eyes and before you know it, a second wave hits you. Your second orgasm is ruinous and has you squirming around to regain some sense of control.

“Oh fuck, you’re so beautiful.” Jaemin slows down as your walls grip around him again, tighter this time. “I’m going to fill you up with cum,--- watch it drip out of you.” He grunts while releasing into you, his dick twitching and spraying your insides with white.

He pulls out as hot, white cum spills from your pussy. You take this moment to catch your breath and relax your legs. However, Jaemin coats his two fingers and shoves the cum back into you. “Jaemin!” You exclaim at the sudden intrusion.

He curls them into your plushy walls and finger fucks you into another oblivion. “Wait, again?” Your hands wrap around his wrist, but Jaemin moves too fast for you to catch it.

You’re a moaning mess again, louder than before. Jaemin leans down and flicks his tongue against your overstimulated bundle of nerves. Your back arches automatically and a low animalistic scream rises from your throat.

He observes your body lines underneath the moonlight and the last remaining light the broken street lamps have to offer. Your face contours and you’re so far out into ecstasy that you don’t notice how intensely Jaemin watches you lose yourself.

“It feels too good!” With one last thrilling orgasm, you almost pass out and you see small stars of dizziness. He soaks up every last bit of your cathartic reaction and festers a small sense of pride that he can make you feel all this pleasure.

“Such a good girl. You’re beyond impressive, baby.” Jaemin pulls his fingers out to lick them clean and finds some wipes to help you out of your sticky situation.  

“Now that you’re my girlfriend, can we cuddle at any time now? Not just as after care.” He peers up at you and the one word enacts a burning warmth to spread across your chest. That is the best nickname he can call you by.

“I think the Singles Girls Only house event is still going on, but after that, yes a million times.” You laugh and wrap your arms around him into a big loving hug.

Jaemin feels right at home. All the long years of living carelessly and wild, he’s finally found someone worth the extra mile. While Jaemin was a thriving adventure to be explored, you were his comfort to run back to.

It is through the intimacy of your backseat chronicles that Jaemin was able to fall deeper for you. You’re his lucky charm, for some reason, he always feels better around you. 

[marvellousinternethideout]

Buffy the vampire Slayer.

Season 2

Ep 7 - Lie to me

Please don't kill the kid, I hate it. Leave the kids alone

Drusilla and angel... Do they have a past? Interesting.

Oh for fuck sake! Not again! Why does buffy walks in the worst time ever. Now its angel and Drusilla. Great.

Sometimes Cordelia needs to shut up. Girl, just don't.

A new guy, billy ford, buffy's giant 5th-grade crush. Welp he's either gonna be our new fav guy or die in this episode.

Lmao Xander, you are funny. Also, willow that song is not about fat guys.

Jealousy jealousy all around. Tension all around here. Angel jealous, love it.

Ford knows everything. What do you mean you know about vampire and that she's the slayer!? WTF MAN!

He's a bad guy, I am sure of it. He's a vampire, maybe...? Or he wants to be one...?

Awww, angel is jealous. I love men get jealous in shows or books.

I love awkward mess willow. She's me and I love it.

Dont trust the ford guy. I know he's cute buffy but cute guys are trouble. Stick to women.

Spike and drusilla/drusilla's relationship is creepy .

This ford guy is totally crazy and dumb. Wanna be a vampire, just die.

Jesus Angel is dramatic, "Do you love me?", "maybe you shouldn't ", just shut up.

Jesus fucking Christ, Angel. What he did to Drusilla is pure evil. Poor girl. I hope she gets to torture and kill him. Wtf man.

Xander: "Angel was in your room?", Willow:- "Ours is a forbidden love". God I love willow. She's my favorite .

Man, buffy really has the worst taste in men. None of them are good. Angel(his fucked up past), billy ford, the creepy cemetery guy, the college guy who was a reptile worshipper and in sacrifice cult. Girl, maybe get some therapy at this point,.

Spike is kinda hot and I think I need some therapy now.

Oh OH, this ford guy is max from Rosewell(or whatever it's called), the one with insane chemistry between him and Liz. Lmao, never watched the show but I've watched gif's of them making out, which are...something 🤤🙈

Buffy for the win again.

Spike is gonna kill ford isn't he? Poor guy should've stayed in the Rosewell universe.

I kinda feel bad that ford he died. Poor guy was crazy.

I like this little moment between buffy and giles. It's emotional, raw and real.

B:- "does it get easy", G:- "what, life", B:- "yes", G:- "what do you want me to say", B:- "lie to me". Damn, I don't know why but it got me.

The last scene between giles and buffy, in the end, got me. I mean this show is pretty heavy and emotional at the times but I feel like it's gonna get much more from here.

Also, the "lie to me", episode title. Perfect for this episode. The theme of this episode was literally "lie to me", the conflict, the delusions, denials, characters lying to themselves. Ford, buffy, Giles, angel, all of them lying to themselves in different ways. Their pain and turmoil. Perfect.

Alright, another solid episode. Honestly, other than one or maybe two episodes, I've been pretty much invested in the show and haven't got bored at all.

I loved this episode. Little more sneek peek in angel's past, and drusilla and damn her past broke me, poor girl. Honestly she can go on a killing spree and I wouldn't blame her, the girl has been through hell. Angel ruined her life because he became obsessed with her? Fuck you angel.

Not sure how I feel about ford, he was a one episode guy so no attachment but like dude just die. It's kinda sad he spiralled that far away.

I really need more angel, I am not gonna lie, he doesn't even feel like a character to me anymore. It's weird how little or Barely he is in the show. I know he has his own show but I don't wanna watch that because ain't no way I am putting myself through cordelia and angel bullshit.

A really great ending to the episode, really liked that they touched on Buffy's emotional turmoil, even if it's briefly.

I guess that's all, loved the episode. Not much xander in it, it was more buffy and angel focus and angels past which included drusilla. Someone needs to get her justice because poor girl.

Anyway, see ya in the next one. Cheers 🥂