#never BEFORE had a character I liked been MADE queer because the fans read them that way

[ace-and-ranty]

(STARING AT CEILING)

It’s just, you would NOT believe how feral and unhinged I became when Nico was confirmed gay in HoO, and the follow up was so, so, so disappointing.

[nutmeggery]

I need Neil Gaiman to know that Good Omens 2 made me feel emotions I haven't felt in nearly a decade.

When I heard there was going to be a Good Omens 2 I was looking forward to it, of course. I just wasn't expecting it do anything super special to my emotions. I was sure I'd enjoy it, though. I really enjoyed s1.

But, for the last few years, I watched shows and afterwards basically thought well, that was fun, and I quickly moved on and didn't think much about them. There was only about 3 shows in the last 5 years that had made me feel truly emotional and stayed on my mind to the point where I felt like I needed to engage in fandom for a while. (Good Omens 1 was one of them.)

I wasn't spoiled by the leak. I never even knew there was a leak. So I had no idea what was coming in s2. And oh boy...

See, I'd watched Our Flag Means Death, a show where you don't expect the lead characters to kiss, because, well, that never happens in these types of shows, right? And this is important because when they did kiss, it felt like a door that had been locked with just about all the high security locks in the world had suddenly, inexplicably, been opened. Something switched inside me. It took me months to understand what it was, but when I thought about Good Omens before s2 came out, I realized what it was.

I would never truly enjoy a bromance they're-only-queer/in love-by-your-own-interpreation story ever again. Stories where nothing is confirmed, just subtext that anyone who doesn't want to see it can easily deny and mock those who wish it was more.

While it was clear that Crowley and Aziraphale cared a lot about each other in s1, and were probably in love, it was still just a fun ship for fans to play with in fanfiction and fanart. Do they love each other? Oh sure. In what way? Well, that's up to interpretation. Ok, cool. But it's not quite Our Flag Means Death, is it?

Then I watched Good Omens 2. And from episode 1 I saw my favourite Angel and Demon duo love each other. And I was having the best time. I hadn't had such a good time watching a show in a long while. It was not only right up my alley, it was an alley I wasn't even aware was my alley until I saw it. I enjoyed seeing the old characters, the new characters. Oh, I was wonderful.

It was clear to me that, of course Crowley and Aziraphale love each other, are IN love with each other, showing it in their own way. And I wasn't expecting it to be THIS obvious.

And then when the kiss happened, I couldn't believe it. I covered my mouth with both hands and gasped and sat up straight in my seat. I had never expected it--the heartbreak it added to the already heartbreaking scene--it rewired something inside me.

It was like my emotions had been locked up in a stall like a horse for so, so long, and now the gate had been opened, the stable door kicked down, and the horse was running out onto the large pasture into the daylight, bucking and kicking up grass. Oh my god, I have to take a few minutes to process that entire 6 hour marathon of emotions.

And by a few minutes I meant a few days.

More than a few, actually.

I didn't need a kiss to understand how much they loved each other, but I did need the kiss to understand how intense and heartbreaking their separation is for them after everything.

But more than that, the kiss broke a barrier. They really did it, I thought. They really dared.

Aziraphale and Crowley aren't human males, no, but they're played by male actors. And that is significant. That makes the kiss significant. In the world we currently live in.

Weeks later, I'm still obsessed with the show, re-watching s1 and 2, reading the book again, listening to the audio drama. And I'm on tumblr, seeing people's posts and art to somehow sate my hunger for a s3 that doesn't exist (yet).

And I'm having a wonderful time.

[alchemistc]

911 was always in my periphery bc of how popular Buck x Eddie is on Tumblr and Ao3. I didn't really want to watch a cable network procedural drama, especially one that came off as so unserious. I could also see how such invested shipping by a lot of fans who are young and think it’s ok to demand things from the cast and crew would inevitably become a toxic cesspool. I stand by that assessment of the show based on the behavior of the fandom these last months, as well as the overall quality of the writing and how often good story lines just get dropped or undermined.

However, I heard about Buck coming out. Over the summer, I was going through a lot and feeling aimless, so I finally started watching the show. And I liked Buck and Tommy, but what I really loved was the quality of the fan works they inspired. At the end of the day, I never really had real expectations of high quality television from a show like 911; that’s not what it’s for.

Despite this, what really affected me last night—which was also the first episode I bothered watching live ever because of how terrible this last week has been—wasn’t even how badly it was executed or the fact that they broke up. But how unnecessarily and viciously cruel the whole thing felt?

What was the point of showing Tommy as a caring, supportive, present partner in the previous episode if it was going to lead to an unceremonious break up? What was the point of showing his yearning for connection and family only to see him throw it all away? Why have him say such wonderful things about Buck moments before questioning the commitment of their relationship after six months together? What was the point of Buck getting that speech from Josh and bringing up marriage and moving in together and that Tommy had been a transformative relationship when it was going to end with him being dumped? It just felt so horribly cruel to see a character bare his tender heart and see it get stomped on. He looked so sad at the end.

Up till the very end of the episode, I was actually really enjoying it. Their acting was so good from heart eyes to heartbreak, and the show seemed to understand Tommy’s reaction to Buck getting hit on by those women would cause friction. It even made sense to me that Tommy would recoil at the prospect of moving in together because Buck clearly hasn’t come to terms with being queer yet (sir, you haven’t researched the Kinsey scale? You?) And Tommy is also clearly afraid to reach for the connections he wants and the seeming inevitability of his heart being broken and is masking that with nonsense about Buck needing to play the field and the biphobia present wherein. It was such an interesting depth to his character! I thought the break up speech was so well-acted, and I was so ready for the conversation they were going to have that would address it and let them move on together stronger. To see Buck learn from Josh and see the scars Tommy was unintentionally revealing in that moment and address them.

And then the credits started rolling and I felt like I got punched in the gut.

It was definitely the straw that broke the camel’s back for me, with the election and other personal stuff really stressing me out this week. Last night, I felt sick and unable to sleep, and I spent the morning bawling my eyes out. It feels like one of the few things I really looked forward to had been snatched away for the shock factor. I believe the interviews are the definite death knell, but even if you don’t follow the interviews, it was just a cruel way to end the episode. Even if this ends up being a temporary roadblock or they “fix” it, it’ll always leave a bad taste in my mouth.

Anyway, I’m upset that I let a show I always knew wasn’t very good affect me this much, and I regret spending months of my life on it. But the reason I wanted to send this ask was because my real hyperfixation these last few months was never the show itself; it was always the Bucktommy fandom. Reading some of the most beautiful fanfiction, including yours, these deep and intense character studies or au’s or future fics that show more love to these characters than the show does. The stunning art, the lovingly rendered gifs, the startlingly funny and insightful writing. The fandom has been my real love, and I hope that despite this huge blow, people like you will continue being so immensely creative and artistic for this ship.

I’m sorry this has been so long and vent-y, but I wanted to send you this ask because you’re one of my favorite fic authors, and I’ve been following your posts since last night and you’re still responding to anonymous asks. I’ve always been stealth in the fandom to avoid certain parts of it, so didn’t want this on my own blog. If you do publish it, I hope the other authors and artists and creators who have made my life better get to see it too <3 And that they don’t regret the time and passion and love they’ve poured into the last few months. I have appreciated it, if nothing else.

Hi.

First of all, please don't apologize for the length of this.

Everything you pointed out were exactly the reasons people joined this fandom. Everything you listed here is EXACTLY the reason it left such a bad taste in our mouth.

I'm sorry I won't be more eloquent in this post, because this is such a kind and thoughtful and lovely summation of all the things I've been hearing and seeing and feeling.

The point of all that, if we are to believe Lou (which I do, and honestly props to him for being as gracious as he was in those post-mortems: fucking TWO exit interviews for a guest star? wtf abc), WAS to pull the rug out from under the audience. It WAS to end it all on a shocker of heartbreak. They filmed the bulk of Tommy's S8 scenes AFTER the breakup. It is absolutely vicious and cruel and meant to make people talk about it. The engagement they are getting right now is to some extent WHAT THEY WANTED. I went straight to my notes after work and I can't be fucked to check the insta or FB to see if they've posted anything new and/or what the comment count is on the 8x06 posts but THIS IS THE INTENDED RESULT. Broken hearts, upset people, an increasingly toxic fandom crowing.

That's where I'm at. I think that's where a lot of people have landed. And it's so disheartening to see something that really genuinely drew people in because it was handled so gently and kindly at first just be ripped away and the door shut on it.

And honestly if they close the mid season OR open or close 8B on a premise that includes one of them being injured and the other having a Realization™️ I won't trust this team to do it genuinely or truly. Even the breakup would have held so much potential for me, but not like this.

Anyway. I'm sorry you're feeling so disappointed. I am grieving the missed potential of literally every plot they built up this season for every character and if I do watch it won't be live and I will likely have very little trust for it's potential. There has been So Much wasted potential.

And I want to say thank you. Even if you lurked, even if you disengage now, the creators who made those works made them out of love and they wanted to share them and the community around it all has been lovely to see. Thank you.

Some of us will still be hanging around building the world that could have been. I hope, if you feel up to peeking at that sandbox, that you feel welcome to go play in it or even just clap from the sidelines.

♥️

[madlori]

Here's where I am with Buddie.

[CW: I am using the Buddie tag on this post, even though the gist of it is that I'm increasingly doubtful that it'll ever happen. This is NOT an anti-Buddie essay. If you'd rather not read about this topic, please keep scrolling. The bulk of the essay is behind the cut.]

-------

I've thought a lot about this over the weeks since 7x04 aired. It's not a secret that I'm wildly enthusiastic about the BuckTommy pairing (as are many fans) but what does that mean for my thoughts and opinions about Buddie, a pairing I still love and for which I am still writing fic (slowly but surely…)?

It's become increasingly difficult to reconcile hopes for Buddie with dread for a BuckTommy breakup, but if the show managed to pull off a breakup that did not destroy me, I would still be all in for a Buddie endgame.

But more and more, I don't think it's in the cards, and I'm increasingly okay with that.

First off, I know it's a common assumption that Buck and Tommy have an expiration date, and that it cannot last. That may very well be the case, but…the show is not acting like it, nor are they presenting this arc as if it's short-lived. Episodes 4-6, while also being about other things (especially the amazing Madney wedding plot in 6) were also a bit of a trilogy about Buck discovering his sexuality and taking tentative steps into a relationship with another man. It didn't go…particularly smoothly, but the events of 7x06 where they were concerned had a completely different tone. They had a much more settled vibe in the karaoke club scenes, from Tommy's very boyfriendly "check-in" look before he had to leave, to Buck's casual/distracted "Be safe" (as if he's said this before) and just how they spoke to each other and touched each other was much more comfortable than in the coffee meetup. Which makes me think it's been a few weeks and they've seen each other a few times in the interim.

And then that kiss. Putting aside that it was juxtaposed with a literal wedding kiss, there was nothing uncertain or hesitant about it. It felt like a very arc-capping kiss, coupled with the reveal to the rest of Buck's friends and family, and the clear message was "Okay, they're done 'getting together' now, they are together and will be together going forward, even if we don't see Tommy every episode (much as we don't see Karen every episode)." We know Tommy will be around through the end of S8, if not in every remaining episode. After that, we'll see.

A lot of fans have viewed one of the guys coming out as queer to be a first step towards a Buddie future, but I have to say I've never been super comfortable with that logic. I've always thought that if they were going to get together, or both be revealed to be queer, it would have to be at the same time, with each other, via them getting together. The minute they pulled the trigger on Bisexual Buck, I immediately thought that this made Buddie far less likely. Why?

Because it would mean that the writers/showrunners would be making BOTH their "hot younger firefighter" characters queer…separately. In separate storylines. Distinct from each other. And I just don't see that happening. I'm not saying it SHOULDN'T happen. I'd be over the moon. I'm saying I think that's unlikely.

As much as it pains me to say it, I think Eddie will be written as straight and will continue to be written as straight. I don't disagree with the many examples of queer coding we've all seen - the problem is all of them can be just as easily interpreted as arising from a different trauma. Almost everything we've seen from him that could very legitimately be read as breadcrumbs for a queer identity for him could also be rooted in his trauma over Shannon's death, his family trauma, his PTSD, or his general anxiety over being enough for people. He can be read as having sexuality crises. But he can also be read as having other crises with the same results.

I'm not seeing a sexuality crisis for Eddie in the future. I just don't feel like that's where they're taking him. They're taking him somewhere -- he's got storylines coming up -- but I think they're going to have to do with his family, possibly his friendship with Buck, maybe his relationship (I think we can all agree Marisol isn't going to last, she's like the anti-Tommy in that she's been around way longer but has infinitely less of a presence), and Christopher. That's a lot to deal with just right there. If I'm wrong, I will be delighted to be wrong.

But.

I think the show will continue to prioritize and showcase Buck and Eddie's very deep and emotional friendship, which is revolutionary in its own quiet way. Another thing that makes me think they're setting Tommy up to be a long term love interest is that one of the first things they did with him was affirm that he will not come between Buck and Eddie, give him his own relationship with Eddie and Chris, and have him show that he understands and respects the depth of their bond. Not to mention they've integrated him with the firefam. No other of Buck's love interests have gotten this treatment (Taylor had the most contact with the firefam, but I don't think anyone would say she was integrated, LOL). And it shows how committed they are to maintaining Buck and Eddie's friendship as a key emotional element of the show. Tim has also said this, repeatedly.

People often say that there's no explanation for how Buck and Eddie are with each other if it's not romantic - I read a fantastic essay that pointed out that this statement is the reason their platonic friendship IS so important. Men should be able to be vulnerable and loving with each other without it being romantic, as women can be. If we're unable to see a loving friendship without interpreting it as romantic or sexual, what does that say about the kind of male friendships we see everywhere, that makes this one so different?

I know this is an old anti-Buddie argument and I'm not anti-Buddie nor do I mean it's wrong to see it as romantic. I still do. I'm saying if it's not, if it never is, what it is, is already valuable and special, especially when one of them is now openly queer and dating a man.

Anyway. That's where I am with it, and my interpretation of where the show is with it.

[girlinthemirrorbluenight-library]

My art for the first ever @destielaureversebb. You can check out the fic here by @ravenfuchs who wrote a beautiful story about queer joy and finding community and also saving the bees.

Sharing some details under the cut.

So for the first piece which is what I submitted for claims, I really wanted a Dean who was just so comfortable with himself and happy and queer. In my head that means tons of tattoos and jewelry. The idea is these tattoos started out sort of impulsively with random flash like the little pizza and mom heart, but eventually he started putting more thought into it and got larger pieces like the solar system and the ocean. His jewelry is also all cosmic themed with stars, moons, suns, and the aquarius symbol which is his star sign. The bracelets I also imagine were made by a friend or maybe someone who came into the center where he works.

Confession, I've never actually been to a Pride parade, I know. I have been to different pride events though including queer bingo hosted by a drag queen. But I thought about both tables I've seen at events and looking up different LGBTQ center websites to see what resources they had. I probably didn't need to type an actual list out but as you can probably tell I really went for the details with these pieces so we have a full list of real services and original pamphlets.

From the second piece, we have some fun details with Dean's jewelry where he has this fun little charm bracelet a little inspired by Lucky Charms and earrings that match his frog t-shirt.

So these guys along with the Yoda plush are things Charlie actually owns in the show. The Pez dispensers are at her desk at Roman Enterprises. I showed these to my dad who is a huge Tolkien fan to see if he recognized them and it was a success.

Scooby Doo Clue is a real board game variant of Clue that Dean would 100% own. Drawing this board game with the actual details for all the rooms along with all the accurate game pieces took an insane amount of time but hopefully it was worth it? This is definitely the most detailed digital background I've ever done but it was very fun if time consuming.

Some Charlie house details. The board games are all either common ones or ones I thought she'd enjoy. She does canonically enjoy TTRPGs but most of these are more traditional board games. I actually own a couple of Star Wars games including Star Wars Risk and Star Wars Life, but not Outer Rim or Rebellion. The books are all canon references. Charlie canonically is a fan of the Game of Thrones/Song of Ice and Fire series and of course The Hobbit is very important to her and is what she used to read with her parents before the car accident. The rest of the books are all based on her aliases. She uses a combination of a Stephen King character + a sci-fi/fantasy author. So we have The Left Hand of Darkness by Ursula K Le Guin, The Halloween Tree, Fahrenheit 451 (which yes I did misspell oops), and The Martian Chronicles by Ray Bradbury, and a couple Stephen King books including Carrie and Fire Starter which is where Charlene comes from. These book titles actually took a really long time because Krita does not have the most robust text tool yet but oh well.

[paintednailsandsoftdetails]

911, a confession

Let me start by saying that I don't really know what I'm doing here, so bear with me. If I actually go through with posting this, and you find yourself tagged and wondering who I am and why, or even if you happen upon it in the tags, I hope you take a minute to read this.

You don't know me, but you've been my community for a while now. I've checked your blogs daily for years, I've read your posts and loved your art and sent you countless anonymous asks to pick your brains- never hate though, because I'm not a Freak.

What I am, however, is a lonely lesbian with depression and (newly diagnosed) OCD, who has always needed some hyperfixation media/fandom to find life bearable. For some ~fun context, I was Raised by the glee fandom, I will die on the hill that watching queer as folk when I was 14 and discovering its fans 10+ years after airing made me who I am, I've got the most bizarrely timed stint in the 1D fandom under my belt, and I find nothing in the world more interesting and also affirming than Queer Reading (verb) media- to the extent that I earned an English degree and wrote a thesis specifically about it.

I haven't posted on here in 1.5 years, since I fell out of my previous fandom (apologies to anyone from said fandom who still happens to follow me and is seeing this, feel free to move along.) But I've been on this app every day since, because of 911.

(starting the read more here to spare you- again especially if you are tagged, I know you're probably feeling miserable rn but I do hope the entirety of this love letter reaches you)

I started "watching" mid season 5- by which I mean I was in a deep depressive state after disconnecting with previous media hyperfixation and, when I happened upon 911 trending while in need of distraction, I quickly fell down a rabbit hole. Tale as old as time, tumblr dot com convinces you that you need to tune into *insert media here* bc its fun and there are gay people! I caught myself up through all the big blogs and by the time May Day was airing I felt like I had a decent grasp on all the lore, all the fandom drama, all the places the writers were "definitely, so brilliantly" going to be taking the show that we had to look forward to, all without ever having actually seen an episode of the show (before you boo me, yes I've watched it by now, even season 1)

But I think it is important, and also a little messed up, that I fell in love with 911 through YOU, through the fans. Obviously watching the show initially through the lens of fan reactions first and not whats actually happening on screen can have some... interesting results. We've heard it all before, with the people who started watching specifically for Buddie around season 4/5 because they saw The Will and by the time they caught themselves up and watched the end of season 6 they wanted their refunds.

Here is where I want to make a clarification- the reason I got so interested, why I started coming back every day to check in on tags and certain favorite blogs I didn't even follow bc I was denying the want to become fully Involved, was because I fell in love with Evan Buckley. I won't lie, it was Buddie that caught my attention first- of course, thats what everyone here was talking about- and as much as I quickly started discover the value of the show outside of them (Henren my absolute Beloveds!!!!! Captain Dad Bobby Nash you are so special to ME. Chimney man of all time i can keep going) none of it was enough initially to bite the bullet and catch up on 5 seasons worth of a show I also knew would have elements I WASNT interested in (Copaganda and Taylor Kelly I am looking at you.)

But then I started really getting into fan's readings of Buck *insert footage of me learning the Buck Begins of it all for the first time* as a character separate from Eddie (as much as people were capable of anyway, and I will say some of yall continue to be absolutely atrocious at it) and I knew I was done for. Buck, this character so full of goodness, and his need to be Found but to also Find his own family and purpose and sense of self, for whom the show's thesis statement concerns the act of working to Make the kind of Love you want to have in this world, even if you were raised without a blueprint for it- I'm sorry but what else were me and my gay ass queer reading inclined hyperfixated brain to do other than take Evan Buckley into the folds and never let him go?

I love Buck. I was convinced by the time the s5 finale was airing before I had actually watched the show that Buck had to be bi. Even if they never did a thing with it you couldn't convince me otherwise and I was also confident that Oliver was portraying him with a similar mindset. I never wavered in that interpretation, even when the utter disappointment of the s6 finale and the failure to do anything truly meaningful character development wise through the lightning strike-Natalia speed run hit, and certainly not as I got fully caught up actually watching the show outside of tumblr live reactions during episode airings. I'll admit I was pretty ready to Check Out after the end of season 6, to the point where I hardly checked in on fandom at all going into 7 until the rumblings of possible canon Bi Buck reached me and I doubled back like "hold on, for real this time?" But when I say Check Out, I mean I was ready to walk away from the hyperfixation with a joint lack of satisfaction with canon & firm conviction that Buck was queer.

Things with Eddie are a lil different- and I want to try and keep this bit brief bc this is ultimately a post about Buck and Bucktommy and I have no interest in unsettling those of you who may have a queer reading connection to Eddie as real as the one I feel for Buck, but unfortunately this conversation cannot exist separately from the Eddie/Buddie of it all- I personally don't think Eddie is queer. I don't really think I ever did, even when I was in the thick of it with falling for Buddie. I know me saying this would cause certain audience to pelt me with accusations of fetishizing Buck or treating Eddie as nothing more than a vehicle for Queer Buck via Buddie- false! I actually think Eddie is an incredibly fascinating character, a deeply compelling representation of grief and fatherhood and masculinity, and also a hilariously weird lil bitch guy. I just don't feel like- especially having removed fanon glasses while actually starting to watch the show, and taking the time to acknowledge that the things about Buddie that appealed to me on a romantic level (this is NOT about their friendship which i stand by being beautiful and important) all boiled down elements I was reading within and onto BUCK specifically, not Eddie. Perhaps an impossible concept for some, the idea that Bi Buck could feel so real and apparent to me primarily divorced from the idea that Eddie had to be queer as well, but I won't bore you with my explanations for it, though I suspect the people tagged and still reading by this point know exactly what I am talking about.

All of this potentially obnoxious prologue to say, I've spent the last however many months falling in love with canon Bi Buck *insert footage of me speed running back into my daily fandom involvement/blog check ins the moment I knew Buck kissed a man*, with Bucktommy, and with Bucktommy fans.

For a long while there I had resigned myself to an odd, though perhaps not as unique as I thought, reality of loving and fully believing in Queer Buck, not necessarily feeling the same about Eddie or Buddie, but also in full agreement with many that already 6 seasons in with literally nothing else having remotely worked, Buddie would be the only satisfying conclusion for Buck's love story. This is again not exactly how I felt about Eddie- but a big part of that for me is that I don't think Eddie's primarily story in 911 is a love story. He's the vessel for telling other important, beautiful stories about fatherhood and forgiveness and that is OKAY bc not every characters story is a love story!!! Evan Buckley's is though (Despite some very weird and confusing things mr stark has just said about his character that actively contradict what hes previously said and what audiences have been looking at and for this entire time, but I digress)

But then! By whatever happy accident we want to call it 911 had Tommy Kinard fall back into its lap as the solution to what felt like the impossible: They found the ONE way they could introduce a non Eddie Diaz love interest for Buck that COULD be satisfying for Bucks story. Someone with connections to the 118 and the shows history and potential for further development within main storylines as his job directly pertains to their plots. Someone with such compelling connections for interweaving these two characters that it got us- including the showrunner- talking about the Red String of Fate. That it got some of the beloved tumblr pals I had been watching for years, who NEVER would have believed they'd ever root for a Buck endgame that wasnt Buddie doing exactly that, and with joy, love, and conviction. Again I'll ask, what else were me and my Buck loving brain to do but take Bucktommy into the folds and never let go? (apparently I hadn't considered that there was apparently horrifying alternative- more on that next!)

As you all damn well know, falling in love with Bucktommy has not come without its trails. I have never seen things in fandom as vile as the things I've seen go down here. And as I mentioned before, I've been IN IT with yall for a while, even if you didnt know it. I was here, lurking, and I know this fandom has had its highlight reels of racism and misogyny and harassment (despite certain factions current batshit consensus that things were "never bad" before *gasp* a couple of people, some over the ancient age *double gasp* of 30 heard about bucktommy through tumblr the same damn way the 90% of you who havent been watching since season 1 heard about buddie and decided to invest)

What happened tonight made me cry, for about 40 minutes straight. And yeah, its been a devastating week for us all for a lot of reasons. On top of the ~national dread (I'm a lesbian in the US btw) today was my 7th out of 9 straight days of open to close shifts in a demanding retail/management position, and I have a head cold so maybe this was just a Breaking Point after a whole lotta shit.

But also, maybe, it was really fucking shitty to watch this play out. I've already seen countless people say it better than I could. Yeah, its a tv show. It's a fictional ship. But its also escapism, a spot of joy many of us were extra dependent on this week. It was something GOOD, queer representation and a love story on national tv days after a horrifying reality set in for queer people, and we are allowed to acknowledge how much losing that sucks just on a general level for a second...

Second over, now lets talk not on the general level. Lets talk about how I've watched real human beings get harassed, sent death threats, be told they are faking cancer and failing to properly grieve dead loved ones, I've watched deeply homphobic language be adopted and incorporated into everyday use despite constant correction and pleas from queer men to knock it the hell off, I've watched homophia as a whole run rampant and unchecked by big blogs, with some biphobia to boot, I've seen some images of horrific anti gay violence and historical trauma invoked as a way to make fun of others, I've seen lesbianism slandered and proffered as an excuse for such vile behavior in a disgusting erasure of the beautiful solidarity that has historically existed between gay men and lesbians in the face of homophobia, and yes, I've seen graphic descriptions of child rape via targeted fanfiction attacks.

Again, others have already said it better than I can: This isn't about Bucktommy. It's about the way that everyone who was Pulling for them as a couple, who DARED to *checks scribble on hand* enjoy a canon queer mlm couple featuring a character (or two) they've grown to care deeply for, has been subjected to all the above mentioned and more, and for...what. For. What.

In the name of a fanon couple that has not been legitimized by the writers in 7 years? of a fanon character interpretation of a canonically straight man (not just assumed straight, verbally assigned straight now on multiple occasions) that people cannot fathom perceiving this show, let alone liking these characters, without? For the version of this story that, if the writers REALLY wanted to happen could have happened so many fucking times by now- especially when the show was coming to what might have been its end in s6- and still hasn't? A version that has been dismissed multiple times by the writers cast crew and every other unfortunate individual who has been harassed repeatedly about it?

And I'm not here to say Buddie is inherently bad!!!! It brought me into this same as the rest of you. I don't even believe it would necessarily be a bad or wrong conclusion for either character or the show were it to eventually, finally happen!! But for the love of god, hear me when i say from the outsider pov of someone who has experience the show in the way I did first through fandom then stepping back to watch for real and now watching it with my mother who is a near Exact representation of the general audience of this show (experienced Procedural watcher, no idea about Buddie or fandom interpretation, had no sense of gay eddie to speak of, and is not shocked but pleasantly surprised by and endeared by Bi Buck) you are SEVERELY deluded if you think what happened tonight by breaking up Bucktommy "makes sense" to any audience outside of buddies who've been writing manifestos for years about how every single thing in this show is "carefully, intentionally, clearly" leading to Buddie canon. I swear to you the people at home do not fucking see it. The people at home saw Buck in a nice, developing relationship that finally seemed to be going somewhere real for him after discovering an important part of his identity late in life, and then they saw that relationship abruptly ended and Buck heartbroken, going to sit with his best, still straight, bud Eddie Diaz. The ONLY people this makes sense for are the people who I am afraid it seems may have legimately bullied this into happening.

And if that is the case? We are sooo far fucking past the point of no return here. There is no true satisfaction in a Buddie canon endgame here for anyone who's lived through the past half a year in this fandom unless you were a perpetrator of any of the horrific shit mentioned above. I mean that with my whole fucking chest. If, and i do think it is a Big Fucking Fat if, Buddie does happen, and you find yourself no qualms happy and satisfied with it as your well earned endgame, I hope you know how rotted you are. And while I'm at it, I hope some way some how you come to see that this was not the carefully crafted beautifully developed loved story of all time you were gods bravest soldier in waiting for. Its just what left after years of meandering storytelling and cyclical character "development" with a bow slapped on top at the last moment because the gift giver was afraid you might kill them if they presented less.

Anyway. I said a million words ago that this was a love letter, and I do mean that. As much as its also been an mental health exercise for me to write this all out. So,

@kinardbuckleys @bucksboobs @kirkaut @tevankinkley @userautumn @sunglassesmish @tommyscurls @ohithankyou @buckxtommy @princessfbi @bigfootsmom @firewasabeast

(And so many other people I'm surely forgetting, and the few artists and writters on other platforms I dared to venture to- maybe never opening twitter again after this xoxo)

Thank you. You don't know me, I never quite got over the anxiety of trying to re-enter a fandom space after a time away, or maybe some of the imposter syndrome or embarrassment I felt accidentally falling in love with this show and Buck by just watching you all talk about him before anything else. But for the last few months, some of you years, you've been my community, my escape. I've loved watching your brains and your hearts work to discuss and create, even amidst the absolute shittiest fandom behavior Ive ever seen. And I am as grateful for getting to experience it from a far as I am devastated at the thought of losing it, of not individually typing in all your blog names (I was too anxious to even FOLLOW you guys truly rip) to see what new content or spec or art or love you had to share about Buck / Bucktommy every day.

In another life- one where idk perhaps people were kinder or showrunners weren't bullied and actors weren't dropped last minute after months of torment and a satisfying canon queer love story for a character who genuinely needs it could just Be in peace- I would have loved to one day put on my big girl pants (aka saved Buck url) joined the fandom for real. To have directly talked to any of you in a way that wasnt... this.

I would have loved to love Bucktommy with you.

[raiseyourbarkid]

when i first started watching 9-1-1, i was so excited to join the fandom.

s3 had just finished airing, so there was already plenty of fan content available, and i hurried over to ao3 and started reading the fics with the most kudos.

one of the very first ones i read involved Hen reaming Buck out for rescuing someone who didn't have a chance of surviving afterward. it felt oddly familiar, and then i realized—they basically copied the speech Gerrard gave in Hen Begins when she saved that woman in a landslide. they took the abuse that Hen endured because she was black woman, and gave it to Buck. took the words out of a racist misogynist's mouth and put them in Hen's, made her the abuser, just so Buck could be the victim.

that was one of the most popular fics at the time. that was my introduction to the 9-1-1 fandom. and unfortunately, it set a precedent for what to expect from it.

one of the next fics i read involved Buck's relationship with his father. this was before Buck Begins aired and we learned what his actual backstory was, so people liked to invent tragic backstories for him. nothing wrong with that in itself. except as i read this fic (another of the most-kudos'd at the time), i started to realize—they hadn't invented a backstory for Buck. they'd just stolen Chimney's and given it to him. because apparently the story was more tragic or meaningful if it happened to Buck instead of the asian man. (and as i recall, Chimney was made out to be a real jerk in that fic, too.)

and so it continued.

after that introduction, i always stayed on the fringes of the fandom. i still read some fic—obviously, not everyone was like that, and there were a lot of really good fanworks! but i didn't really engage beyond that. as i read more fic, another pattern was emerging: the fandom's treatment of women.

9-1-1 is far from the only fandom to have this problem. in several fandoms with popular mlm pairings, there is a lot of mistreatment of female characters, especially ones who are viewed as a "threat" to the pairing. but the way people reacted to these characters—namely, Abby, Taylor, and Ana—was somehow astounding to me. obviously none of them were perfect people—what character is?—but i couldn't imagine anything they'd done warranting the reaction i saw from fans. i had liked them as characters for the most part! i didn't see those romantic relationships working out in the long term, but i didn't see that as a reason to hate them, much less reach the levels of loathing the fandom seemed to. you'd think these women were cartoon villains, the way fandom portrayed them.

honestly, it had been YEARS since i'd seen a fandom with such bad misogyny, if ever. and somehow, i was surprised again. i'd foolishly believed that fans had been getting better about that kind of thing, about hating women over a ship. so many other fandoms managed to be kind to the women involved with the men they shipped, why was it so hard for this particular fandom?

and now all this.

Buck's finally in a queer relationship, but it's not the one people wanted, so the response is to be hateful and homophobic towards the other character involved? in what world does that make sense? how do people rationalize that to themselves?

i'm just exhausted. i'm realizing now that this fandom has never felt like a safe space and maybe never will.

in over 20 years of being in fandoms, i have NEVER been in one that was so determined to be hateful. and over a show that's predominantly about love and the power of human connections? it's downright baffling.

[kaija-rayne-author]

Dragon Age Veilguard wrap up review and final thoughts

So… I wrote that string of reviews (section one starts here) while I was playing the game. I’d write them either before or after logging in for the day, so I wouldn’t forget anything I wanted to mention.

Spoilers for Dragon Age Veilguard. Tried to keep them to a minimum, but they’re there.

My thoughts on breaking the media blackout I stayed under while I played Veilguard to completion.

A little about me. I’m an editor by trade. I’m an author and a reviewer. I’m a pretty heavily left leaning, queer as fuck, non-binary person, so I’m not one of the awful reviewers who are causing so many problems from what I’ve heard. No one paid me for a review or to write anything. I’ve played the game to completion and watched the credits all the way through to that awful last scene. These are just my thoughts and my knowledge. And honestly? My broken heart.

I’m just someone who has absolutely loved Dragon Age from the moment I first turned on DAO. Because I’m an editor and a writer… my reviews tend to be more in depth than an average person’s? Maybe? I have a medical background (Forensic Anthropologist) and I legitimately read encyclopedias for fun.

In case you haven’t guessed yet. I’m autistic/ADHD (AuDHD). Dragon Age has been a hyperfocus/special interest of mine for years. I’m absolutely a lore fiend. I probably know more about the lore than many people actually working at BioWare. Especially if Veilguard is anything to judge by.

Also, this is all my off the cuff writing. I haven't the time, energy, or desire to edit them.

The problem with Dragon Age Veilguard… well. There’re a lot of problems with it. I think what it really comes down to is poor adhesion to the established lore, a crappy fighting and levelling system, and poor writing. And with Trick Weekes as Lead Writer? I never in a million years would’ve thought I’d have to say that about Veilguard.

I’ve enjoyed Weekes’ writing for a few years now. Two of my favourite Dragon Age books are by them. I really wish I could write a positive review for Veilguard. But I just can’t.

There were some things I liked about it. I liked some of the mechanics. Ziplines and the Elven light puzzles were pretty awesome. I liked how some of the streamlining made the game better. I liked how the logs were a lot easier to walk across than they were in any of the previous games. Some of the characters grew on me despite their poor writing. I liked the map when I was at the Lighthouse. Being able to see when and where a companion wanted to talk to me was great. I liked the wardrobe and how nice and easy it made changing how your gear looked. There were probably a few other things I liked. I tried to be scrupulous in my review series on saying both the positive and the negative. So if you’ve got the time to read that long thing, it’s probably worth it if you’re on the fence about buying and playing it.

And if you had a hand in making that travesty of a CRPG? You really should read it. For professional development, if nothing else.

If you’re Solavellan? I’ll just flat out tell you not to. It’s not worth it. There is no happy ending for Solas and Inky. There’s no intimate scene. Every single thing most Solavellan’s have been hoping for… for ten bloody years? It’s not there. And in fact, they did Solas so dirty. There were memories of him. I wanted memories! I did not want memories of every awful thing he’d ever been forced to do as a rebel leader. They hammered home how awful Solas was with a freaking jackhammer.

As a diehard DA fan and a committed Solavellan? It was an outright painful game to play. It really hurt. And then to see his horrific wolf form (he honestly looks like a Chinese crested dog on a really bad day. I really wish I were joking.) And then to not have anything resembling a happy ending? It’s not worth your time, and it definitely isn’t worth your money. Fanfic writers will have to heal our broken hearts, because Weekes certainly did not.

No. Trick Weekes. That was not even a suggestion of a happy ending. And I will honestly never trust you again after you actually tweeted that to me. You gave me hope. And there was no reason to hope.

So… yeah. I’ll never be able to cover all the bad in Veilguard in a short (ish) review. I’m trying to keep this short!

I’m not good at that. For what it’s worth. XD.

The Lore.

There is so much Lore they had to use for inspiration. Three full games, five books, six comics, at least two coffee table/art books and probably stuff I don’t know about. They had all of that to use as inspiration. What little they did use? Was so twisted it was hardly recognizable. I went into more detail in the longer review series so I won’t here. But they hardly used the amazing amount of Lore at all. They shoved it under the rug of bad writing to make a very unsightly lump to anyone with eyes to see it.

It’s almost like they were so eager to shuffle Solas off so they could move on to writing a new game in a different age that they just… I don’t even know. Treated him poorly doesn’t begin to cover it. Screwed up the story by sidelining a plot-necessary character also doesn’t cover it. Which as both an editor and an author, I really do not understand. You don’t do that with such a plot heavy character. It leaves the consumers unhappy.

After the game play reveal. I honestly didn’t have a lot of hope. I knew Varric’s fate even before that. (It’s not good. In case you’re wondering.) Becoming an editor has absolutely ruined me by making it easy to guess what’s going to happen.

The Writing.

I’ve actually heard and seen the writers saying they were pleased with how the characters came out. Professionally? And as kindly as I possibly can? May I suggest you all learn how to write better? Most of those characters and the plot were just so poorly written. The romances were ridiculous. And I’m a romance author? So I kinda know what I’m talking about? At every juncture, you all chose the most basic, most puerile options. The only surprises for me in that game were how you completely ignored the Lore and how bad the writing was.

I think Veilguard would’ve been perfectly fine as a non-Dragon Age action RPG. And for anyone who loves it for that… I’m truly happy for you.

But that’s not how it was marketed. It had all the right Dragon Age voice actors, character names, location names… but that is not Dragon Age. You’d need to actually use the lore for that. They did not. Or if they used a little? It was heavily retconned and twisted out of recognition. The only thing even remotely close to being like a Dragon Age game were the settings, environments, and scenery. Those were phenomenal and the only thing that held that travesty of a game together. Everything else? Goddess. How do you fail so horribly at something when you have every resource you could possibly need to make it good?

Because it could actually have been good. It could’ve been phenomenal. If they’d actually written that game for Dragon Age fans? You know… us middle-aged or slightly younger/older gamers who’ve lusted for another DA game for years? If they’d paid attention even a little bit to the Lore? If they hadn’t side-lined a plot-important character? If they hadn’t retconned soooo much that I often felt like I had whiplash playing it? If they hadn’t stripped it down to the very bare bones of mediocrity? If they hadn’t basically made it for children? While condescending to them? (Heads up… kids hate being condescended to.)

If they hadn’t nerfed rogues so badly that I don’t know why they bothered to call them rogues at all? You cannot pick locks, hide in shadows, sneak, set or disarm traps, brew potions or bombs… absolutely none of the fun stuff that makes a rogue a rogue is in Veilguard. If you’re a rogue player? Skip it. You’ll just be as disappointed as I am.

Nor can you garden. You can’t make potions or bombs or… anything. You can’t craft anything yourself. You go to someone called The Caretaker at the Lighthouse and use everything you’ve collected by smashing far too many barrels (why… why with the barrels?) for them to upgrade your stuff. You can’t really dress up your companions in funny clothing or armour. They’ve scraped most of the detail out of Veilguard like they were carving a pumpkin and had to get the guts out. The problem is? Those guts are needed for any story. It’s called world building.

Get this. BioWare… BIOWARE removed blood splatter from Veilguard. There’s no toggle I can find that makes it even possible. They truly made this game for kids and not for the middle-aged gamers who… y’know… usually have money to spend on games. Do NOT ask me how that made any kind of sense. Their logo for at least two games was a blood splatter Dragon ffs. And now there’s no blood splatter option in game. I just absolutely cannot understand it.

The fighting system.

Dear gods. The fighting system. So first? They tied how often your companions get skill points to how high their bond is with you. You increase your bond with them by taking them with you (and you can only take two) and doing their quests, etc. But do you know what that means in functionality? If you’re not a tank player? You’re basically cream cheese. I’m not a professional gamer. But gaming is my number one form of entertainment. I play on hard/ultra hard for most games I play. And a lot of them are live-fighting types like DAV was trying to be.

Guess whose rogue had a permanent tattoo of ‘I have aggro please come eat me now’ on their forehead? Mine. I have a very intimate understanding of the inside animations of the dragon’s mouths. If they’re going to keep that crappy leveling system, the least they could do is let us all have the ‘no death’ toggle on every level. Won’t matter to me because I can’t imagine ever playing it again.

I lost 14 hours of my life with the crashing, glitching, and reloading I had to go through to get the damned thing to even run. (And it’s not my computer. It has an ssd. The video drivers are all updated and up to snuff. It’s around a little over midway between necessary and recommended specs. It’s just a shitty game.) It’s a shame I can’t charge BioWare for those lost hours of my life. How could they have possibly thought that this game was ready for release?

If you want to know the rest of the negatives (and a few more positives) the whole review series is where you’ll find them.

But between the actual craptastic showing of Veilguard and that last scene taking all the agency away from every character who ever came before? Oh, and with the bad guys from across the sea wearing something an awful lot like a burqa? You know… the long black robes and veils many Afghani people and other Muslims wear? Nah. I’m done. Finite. I may occasionally enjoy the first three games. But Veilguard does not exist for me. And anything they make going forward doesn’t exist for me. That last scene… WTAF were they thinking? I actually can’t believe out of all the people who must have worked on that game that no one else made that connection about maybe insinuating that people wearing black robes and veils who live on the other side of the sea are evil is maybe a bad thing!?

I just can’t anymore. If you’re looking for a no-brain needed, kid oriented, action RPG (they really did simplify this soooo much for children that it’s absolutely condescending) then you’ll probably be fine with it.

If you love the Lore as much as you love the world? If you play rated M games with romanceable companions for the intimate scenes and the romance? (You’ll be disappointed.) If you have a few thoughts on whether it’s a great idea to remove the agency of all previous characters in the entire series as being bad? If you think maybe it’s a bad idea to insinuate people in burqas are evil? If you play anything other than a tank? Veilguard is not a game for you.

[elizabethrobertajones]

so after taking like half a year to watch the second doctor, I burned through Pertwee Doctor in what felt like a week. I was fully ready to formally induct him to the hall of favourites somewhere around the top, pending the wikipedia search to check he such wasn't a terrible guy IRL it made it into the personal life section as per the last 2, and -

[refuses to be in a film when a producer won't hire a gay friend]

good start, good start (already liked everything else I read but this is an incredible character merit mark for a guy in the 50s)

[the doctor is literally just him being himself on camera]

Oh, so I just want him to be my friend, I see

[he said the catalyst for leaving was the death of Roger Delgado among other changes in the last year]

Wait WHAT - is that why there was no more Master later on -

[Delgado died on location filming in Turkey, his own wiki page repeats that this was why Pertwee wanted out]

NO NO NO NO NNOOOO

HOW IS THIS HUGE BIT OF DOCTOR WHO HISTORY SOMETHING I NEVER HEARD ABOUT? I GREW UP IN SCI FI CONVENTION SPACES BUT EVERYONE JUST TALKS ABOUT TOM BAKER LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED BEFORE?

WHAT THE FUCK.

I am DISTRAUGHT, the Doctor/Master stuff from the first few seasons of the 3rd Doctor was absolutely INCREDIBLE television. I'd been assuming Delgado maybe had somewhere else to be. Heartily recommend watching that entire run of the show if you don't want to start any earlier.

Well, anyway. :(

I know people don't like the weird James Bond swing it all took with him but the show had been getting more action-y anyway under the 2nd doctor and then a guy who had literally been in the inner circle with all the WWII creatives like Ian Fleming and probably helped INSPIRE James Bond gets the role, I'm feeling like we're blessed and privileged from this perspective of getting to watch it as a historical artefact. I'm assuming based on the vague things I know about the 4th Doctor, the first I'm meeting with any preconceptions, that he's obviously not capable of bringing THAT to the table because that was no ordinary skillset, Pertwee was clearly a top 0.00001% of actors and Guys Who Had Lived A Life, who happened to be doing a silly BBC sci fi show. I'm expecting it to tone back on all these things.

And then in hindsight from the Doctor Who revival era, all the nonsense he brought, aside from the Venusian Karate and flying car and a few other extreme eccentricities, end up being stuff that feels much more modern and like the kind of antics the Doctor gets involved in. Like, he took the sonic screwdriver from being a couple of times joke into a multi-tool with the first joke about it not working on wood after he uses it through many episodes to escape or explode things, all of which is so common nature to the Doctor nowadays.

He also had far more of the casual behaviours we think of as The Doctor now, especially way less circumspect name dropping of historical people and a sense of having lived all around time and space, sometimes for extensive periods of time (he clearly like. LIVED on Venus to pick up all the various throwaway jokes about Venusian culture to explain things he does lmao). Weirdly, despite knowing he was a timetraveller from the jump, the previous two doctors were quite close-lipped about who they knew and had met, and rarely namedropped.

In any case, carrying on into 4th doctor era cautiously because I am 1: sad and 2: deeply let down by my perception of Whovian culture as I've been exposed to it, which sets a ridiculously high bar for Baker as the high watermark of Who and meanwhile I have just bid farewell to watching one of the most electric actors I've ever seen in anything ever while feeling wildly upset on his behalf that there isn't a bonkers appreciative fan culture for everything he did and he's written off as one of the quirky weird early doctors you don't need to bother with.

(AND THERE WAS WRITTEN QUEER DOCTOR MOMENTS. AT LEAST 2-3 OF THEM, GENDER AND SEXUALITY-WISE. HE GOT TALKED TO IN POLARI. ON TV IN 1972. THAT DOES NOT HAPPEN BY ACCIDENT.)

[gayalienwilde]

For this last day of celebration of Velvet Goldmine's 25th anniversary, I wanted to talk about why Velvet Goldmine is such an important movie to me. Nowadays shows and movies have gotten much better with their representation of marginalized groups, it's not always perfect, but it's definitely better than even just a decade ago. Growing up and seeing queer characters in mainstream media that, unless created to be a punchline or demonized, were sterilized and surrounded by a cast of cishet people with no connection to other queer people (maybe a partner but that's it), can give the wrong ideas to queer kids. Making it seem like queer people aren't a community but just a couple of random individuals in an otherwise heterosexual world, it's not only unrealistic but it creates a sense of isolation, forever the ugly duckling that never meets other swans. The lack of good representation is harmful to queer kids that might feel like they're never gonna find other people like them, this is the reason that token representation in media is not enough, it means nothing when a character's whole purpose is to show that queer people exist as a monolithic mass of sassy side-characters. For this reason, media about queer people made by queer people is extremely important because it shows different queer realities. In Velvet Goldmine's case, not only is the movie itself representation, but the story it tells is also about representation as seen from a young queer fan's perspective and how it affects him.

Seeing Brian and Curt be openly queer gives Arthur much more confidence in his own identity, this is shown when he imagines himself coming out to his parents through Brian's interview and when he goes out dressed like he wants and searches for the other glam kids. Even if both times he stops himself, in the first case because of his parents judgemental stares directed at Brian, and in the second case he's probably intimidated by the other kids that have been comfortable in their identities for much longer than him (which is kind of taken from Todd Haynes' own experience, in this interview he says that the older glitter girls were intimidating to him in middle school). This serves to show how representation can help the people that can't immediately be out and proud, because even if Arthur can't come out or make other queer friends he can find solace in Brian and Curt's music and general media presence, which is not only openly queer but sexual too. Later in the movie we will also see Arthur finally being able to be his true self and find his community in London, so it's not a surprise then seeing Arthur become a journalist when it was the interviews, magazines and newspapers that he'd read in his youth that helped him gain confidence in himself.

But for the viewer Arthur is he himself representation, his struggles and journey a mirror of the experiences of many young queer fans. For me personally the scene where Arthur tells his parents that he's going out and then sneakily takes off his jacket and goes out dressed like he wanted to be has always been the most relatable, him being happy walking in the crowd with his head held high reminds me of my first pride, even if I was too scared to approach anyone simply being surrounded by queer people and being able to be myself put me at ease, and later trying not to cry on the train back home while I took off anything that had rainbows on it and lying to my parents about where I had been, it's probably one of the biggest reasons I am so attached to Velvet Goldmine, I saw myself in it in a way I'd never seen in any other media before. Even 25 years after it's creation Velvet Goldmine's representation is still better than that of some recent media, because it doesn't shy away from showing the sad, the sexual and, most importantly, the happy parts of queer life. In the end, seeing Arthur go through a lot of different difficult situations both in his youth and in his adulthood and still manage to push through it all and find some connections with other queer people, first in London and then in the 80s when he's reunited with Curt, that gives me hope that no matter what we're all going through, we will keep making it, and most importantly it's a reminder that, to quote a Bowie song, you're not alone.

[pickledpascal]

Hold Me Like Water

Chapter Fourteen: It Ain't The Empty Home

Warnings: fluff ! more jealous hugh, jensen ackles mention sorry guys

Word Count: 2.6k

Hold Me Like Water Masterlist

Previous Chapter | Next Chapter

October 2024,

Deadpool and Wolverine crossed one billion dollars at the box office months ago. However, because of that milestone, Marvel set up a special screening with a proper Q&A after the film played. It gave them an excuse to properly celebrate it too. 

Since the film came out, people have been rewatching the other X-Men films and realizing Sedna was a wonderful character in the few films she's been in. There was a lot of renewed love for her which made Maya’s heart warm. The character has been close to her heart for years and was glad people had been seeing how lovely she truly was.

The Q&A was originally just going to be Ryan, Hugh, and Shawn but he wanted Maya up there with them too. He thought she deserved it. So did the other two. The cheers they heard on opening night for her character cemented having her back as a good decision. 

Maya clutched onto her microphone, pursing her lips. As many times as she had done something like this, those nerves never quite left. Interviews were always nerve-wracking before she got out there. It was the wait that made her stomach flutter. Unlike Hugh, she didn’t have much experience being in front of an audience that wasn’t a director and the crew. 

Hugh rubbed the small of her back, offering her a light smile. “Still nervous about these things?” He teased playfully. 

“Guess I can’t help it.” Maya chuckled. She calmed slightly since he was near. His presence was enough to ease her racing heart. “But I’m glad you’re here.” 

“Well, the film is called Deadpool and Wolverine.” Hugh said cheekily, pressing a soft kiss to her cheek. 

An exaggerated gag could be heard behind them. “God, you two are so much worse now that you’re dating,” Ryan put a hand over his mouth. “And I thought it was bad when you were just friends.”

“You met Blake, your wife who you praise whenever given the chance, on the set of the movie you’re very adamant about hating.” Maya pointed out, narrowing her eyes. “Green Lantern was obviously good for something.” 

“Hey, that’s—” For the first time possibly ever, Ryan was speechless. 

Shawn patted Maya’s shoulder, laughing softly. “I’ve been trying to get him to shut up all day and you did it so easily. I need to keep you around.” 

“She learned it from me.” Sakari chimed in with a self-satisfied smile on her lips.

Sakari was there to talk about the hair and makeup she did for the film. Though, she could chime in on a few character choices since she read lines with Maya a lot. 

Their names started to get called so they each stepped onto the stage and waved at the audience as they found their seats. Maya was seated between Hugh and Ryan. Hugh sat the closest to the moderator, Becca. She introduced herself before she went onstage. 

“So, just to recap,” Becca began with a smile. “Hugh Jackman plays Wolverine, Maya Imik plays Sedna, writer Ryan Reynolds plays Deadpool, Sakari Imik who was part of the makeup and hair department, and writer-director Shawn Levy.” The audience clapped enthusiastically. “I’m going to ask a few questions first and then, y’know, I’m gonna turn it over to you guys.” She motioned to the crowd. 

A few girls in the front row waved at Maya. She noticed and gave them a wave back. They nearly immediately whispered amongst themselves, flushed and giggling. 

Hugh leaned over and nudged Maya. “Can't believe they reacted to you the way they usually react to me.” He winked. 

It was no secret that Maya had a more female-leaning fan base. Or just queer-leaning, generally. She was a trans woman. She was bound to have plenty of queer fans. Lesbians especially loved her. A strong, tall, capable woman on their screen? Sign them up!

“I'm gonna start with some production related questions first, if that's alright.” Becca said into her microphone as she flipped through some of her cards. 

“Completely fine with me.” Shawn said with a smile. He had an idea that most questions from the audience would be for the cast which he didn't mind. 

Becca looked up at Sakari, “So, Sakari, from a cosmetic point of view, what changed for Sedna from Days of Future Past and this film?”

Sakari was visibly surprised the first question was aimed at her but she had been waiting to rant about this for a while so she didn’t let the moment go to waste. “Well, for Days of Future past, originally, Maya was going to have whatever makeup artist onset but they made her yellow and covered her tattoos when they weren’t supposed to. Horribly, I may add. I quickly fixed that. Thankfully, we didn’t have to go through that with this film. I also added some grey streaks in Sedna’s hair since she’s supposed to be a bit older and I’m sure it wasn’t a walk in the park trying to survive the Void. She had to have been stressed.” 

Maya nodded along to her sister’s answer, humming softly to herself. That’s how she justified it to her and Shawn too but Maya also knew Sakari thought it would add a bit of something to her physique that was missing. And she was right. 

“For Maya, why did you choose to come back?” Becca asked, eyebrows furrowed as she looked at her. 

“Because the two guys sitting next to me,” Maya chuckled, the noise was nervous. “But, genuinely, I didn’t have to put much thought into it. Ryan had a script ready for me already and I had been waiting to be able to work with Hugh again. I couldn’t say no.”

Ryan lifted his microphone to his lips. “Maya was actually the first person I asked about for the cameos. I knew I wanted her first and foremost.”

“Yeah, I mean, she is the crux of Wolverine’s trauma. Part of it. And having her on set was just a dream.” Shawn added cheerfully before looking into the audience. “If any of you ever become directors or work in the industry, hire Maya! She’s a bit like Hugh. So kind, always early, and barely needs any direction.”

After a couple more questions for each of them, the floor was open for the audience to ask their own questions. Some of them were for Shawn and Ryan in terms of plot and how it worked into the timeline of some of the other films. They answered those to the best of their ability. Maya got a few of the usual questions on being a trans woman in the industry which she appreciated but she’s gotten those questions for years and it felt tired now that she was a seasoned veteran. 

One of the young women from earlier in the front row stood to ask a question. “First of all, I just wanted to say I love all of you,” They all nodded at her. “Especially Maya,” The actress smiled gratefully. “So, obviously my question is for you.” The girl let out a small, nervous laugh. “Over ten years in the industry and you’ve never dated anyone publicly, why now?”

Maya pursed her lips. She expected questions about her and Hugh. And she expected them to be overly personal. Yet it was still surprising to hear someone actually ask it. 

“Well, uh,” She stammered for a moment before she got her bearings. “I haven’t really dated anyone. I’m one of those queers who has to be friends with someone for a while before I really even consider them being attractive. That’s not to say I don’t find people attractive but it’s more of an aesthetic way rather than sexual.” She hadn’t admitted this out loud to the public ever. “I’m not made for casual. Which is what a lot of my peers want.”

“But not Hugh?” The girl pressed.

Sakari narrowed her eyes at the girl, wishing her head would explode in the moment. Maya was inclined to agree but she’d never say that out loud. 

Maya was about to say something but Hugh interrupted. “I’m an older man. While some men my age do want casual, not many do. And I am one of those people. If I’m going to start another relationship this late in my life, it’s because I want to spend the rest of it with that person.” He shrugged bashfully, “And, well, when I love someone, I do it with my whole being.”

The girl relented and sat back down. She was likely fishing for some sort of gossip but there was none to be found. Maya and Hugh were friends for ten years, he got divorced, and they began to date almost a year out. That was it. Maya didn’t have a horrible relationship with Deborra and she and Hugh didn’t have an affair. It seemed hard for some to comprehend. 

After the panel was done, Ryan took them all to a rooftop bar. It was getting a bit colder outside in New York but Maya didn’t mind the light chill. 

They drank and shared some stories from different sets they were on. But then, as a buzz started to settle, the conversation steered towards more uncharted territory. 

“So, Maya…” Ryan smirked, wrapping an arm around her shoulder as he slid close to her side. “What actor are you desperate to work with? Crush or otherwise?” He shrugged innocently. 

Hugh narrowed his eyes at Ryan’s closeness, gripping his martini glass tighter. He made no move to get him off her, though. He was quite interested in the answer too. Maya usually didn’t talk about actors she wanted to work with or found attractive. Directors? Always. After she watched Knives Out, Rian Johnson was the only thing she talked about. 

Maya chuckled softly, wrapping an arm around Ryan’s waist when she felt him lean into her for warmth. “I mean, I already worked with my girl here.” She nudged his hip with hers playfully. Hugh’s eye twitched. “But I guess I’d have to say Jensen Ackles.”

“The guy from Supernatural?” Shawn blinked, confused. “Is it the guy with the short hair or the long hair?”

“Oh, c’mon, Levy! It’s Dean! The guy with the short hair. He’s also the shorter brother.” Ryan explained as he waved his drink around. The liquid inside sloshed around and nearly escaped the glass. He turned to Maya again. “What do you like about him?”

She pursed her lips and hummed in thought. She was the most sober one so she could actually think about what she wanted to say. “I think he’s a great actor for a TV show meant for teens. He outperformed everyone on that show and it’s not even close. And he had to do that for fifteen years. Consecutively. I can’t imagine that.”

Hugh’s demeanor softened as he listened to Maya’s reasoning. He couldn’t argue with that. He hadn’t seen the show but, hearing her talk about it, it had to be true. While Hugh had played Wolverine for over twenty years, it wasn’t like he was in a film every year. Jensen had to love his job if he kept playing the same character like that. 

As the night dragged on, Hugh, Maya, and Sakari went back to his penthouse. Maya had to practically carry Sakari up to one of the guest bedrooms. She immediately passed out upon hitting the bed. Maya chuckled as she lifted the covers over her. 

Maya returned to Hugh’s room and spotted him already in his pajamas, a t-shirt and his boxer briefs. “C’mere, love,” He opened his arms for her.

“I don’t even have my shoes off yet.” She argued softly. She was still bundled up in a trenchcoat and had her boots on.

“Don’t care, c’mere.” He urged. 

And Maya couldn’t deny him anything. She sighed as she got in bed next to Hugh, pulling him close. She laid on top of the covers. “Better, sweetheart?”

“Much.” He hummed as he nuzzled into her neck. She was nice and warm. He mumbled something against her coat but she couldn’t quite hear it.

Maya cupped his cheek and moved his face away from her for a moment. “Repeat that for me, baby?”

“Love when you say that,” Hugh smiled lazily. He loved the other names she called him but there was something especially intimate about ‘baby.’ “I said you should move in with me.” 

Maya felt her heart flutter. “Hugh, you’re drunk—”

“No, no, no, I’m not.” He frowned, leaning closer to press his nose against her cheek. “Well, maybe just a little buzzed. But in your words, I’m not made for casual. Wanna be able to see you as much as possible when we’re not working. Don’t ever want to say goodbye to you at the end of a night.”

His heart ached every time he watched her leave or when he had to leave her. He wanted nights spent together and waking up each morning in her arms and attempting to make her breakfast while he let her sleep and washing her hair while she took a bath. He wanted to share his whole life with her, to offer it as a sacrifice. 

Maya breathed deeply, leaning into Hugh’s nuzzling. She cradled the back of his head as he pressed kisses along the lines on her cheek. “Alright…” She whispered, “I’ll move in with you.” 

It wouldn’t take much, half her clothes were already in his dresser. They had their own drawer which he might have gone through a few times to steal a shirt or two. Or three.

Hugh hummed happily, capturing Maya’s lips in a kiss. His thumb swiped against her cheek to feel the softness of her skin. 

“We gotta get Sakari a new roommate, though.” Maya whispered, breath hot against his lips.

“Ask Arlo.” Hugh said offhandedly, not really thinking about that at the moment. He was more concerned with the fact that Maya would be moving into his apartment. 

He kissed her deeper this time, sliding a hand under her coat. His hand squeezed at her breast. Maya let out a soft noise and leaned into him more. The kiss started off slow and sweet but it morphed into something deep and sloppy. Only when they needed to breathe did they pull away. Even then, a thin string of spit connected their bottom lips. Maya wiped her hand against her mouth. 

“Would do more but I think I’m gonna pass out soon too.” Hugh mumbled, holding onto Maya tighter. He slid his hand to a more respectable place.

She chuckled softly and pressed a kiss to his forehead. “Don’t worry. I’ll be here.” She toed off her shoes so they fell off the side of the bed. 

“You will, won’t you?” He murmured, burying his face in her neck. It was his favorite place to rest. There and her chest because of the extra cushion. 

Maya ran a hand through Hugh’s hair, playing with the curls between her fingers as he succumbed to sleep. He looked adorable at that moment. She wanted to save it in her mind. Some of his grey hairs were growing at his temple. She thought they looked charming on him, a subtle reminder of his age that added to his look. 

But he’d likely dye them and rid himself of them. He was more than a little self-conscious of his age even if he didn’t voice the concerns much. He had been working on that with his therapist. Of course, Maya wasn’t going to tell him what to do but there seemed to be a lingering shame about it when there was no need for it.

She'd love him if he was thirty-four, fifty-six, or seventy-eight. She didn't care. Hugh was such a wonderful friend and an even better partner. She couldn't imagine a life without him. Surely hers would've gone down a much different path.

[tookishcombeferre]

The state of the world is looking pretty scary out there. But, I wanted to give you a message that will hopefully bring some hope.

Back when I was 13, the very first Percy Jackson book was just gaining popularity. And that was the closest thing I'd ever seen to disability representation in a book that was massively popular.

Before that? Nothing. Or at least, nothing that people could actively recommend to someone my age.

The closest thing I had to "queer" representation was the scraps I found in fanfiction, much of which, was rampant with ... um ... problems. Big ones. But, it was all we had back then so we held our noses and read it anyway. Most of it, I couldn't bear to finish. But, back then, that was "the done thing," and I am still learning to let go of all of the scars that has left on me. That those are not the loves I deserve. That that is not the kind of love queer folks give. That we are not, nor do we have to be, synonymous with proshipping. Because, at 12/ 13? That's what I was taught by the adult fan writers in my life.

But, I am unlearning. We are makinging a BETTER world for the youth of today.

You don't have to put up with that crap.

Because, now?

We have characters like Ari and Dante from Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe.

We have characters like Kade Bronson, Jack Willcott, Nancy Whitman, and others from the Wayward Children book series.

We have Alex Fierro, Hearthstone, and Blitz from the Magnus Chase and the Gods of Asgard trilogy.

We have Nico di Angelo from the Percy Jackson saga.

There's a whole host of interesting representation of queer identities in webcomics like The Glass Scientists, Heartstopper, and others.

There are so many more canon characters that are out and being written for the middle grade/ YA crowd in traditional books and graphic novels.

Y'all have cannon representation being created for you right before your eyes. Some of them even have disabilities! Some of them look like you. They think like you. They act like you! And, what a glorious thing that is!

When I was young, the closest thing I had to people who were like me were Disney villains. Many of them were quirky and queer coded. They thought strangely and the moved stiffly or with elongated gaits like my "autistic walk." I never got to see myself "good." (The wicked's lives really are lonely.)

As I grew, I found scraps of myself in Anthony Warlow's musical portrayal of Jekyll in the 1994 recording of Jekyll and Hyde. I found bits and pieces of myself in the way Ramin Karimloo seemed to "stim" as the Phantom of the Opera in the 25th Anniversary version of the Phantom. I fell in love with Diana from Next to Normal, but she didn't really fit either. Our states in life were so different at the time.

I always found parts of myself, but I never found a whole. And, I never really got to be totally "good." I was never the hero of the story. I never had a heart of gold.

So, characters like Undyne, Papyrus, Alphys, and Mettaton would have never existed in a game rated E10+ when I was growing up. The subjects of their narratives were "too taboo" for anyone that young to think about. I was 20 when those characters were created.

Movies like Nimona would have never been made.

So, as much as things suck, as hard as things are, there are good things out there to hold onto. We have come so, SO far. Don't throw all our progress out the window. Don't put your head down and give up.

Fight. We come from a long history of fighters.

They say we don't exist?

Exist harder.

The generation before me marched, screamed, shouted, and yelled so I could exist.

The next phase was getting to tell queer stories that ended with nuance. Queer stories with true queer heroes. Queer stories with happy endings. We're working on that.

*I'm still working on that.*

I type until my hands are sore. I rehearse monologues and songs for hours so that folks might get to see themselves on stage. Because, all of that is important to me. It's important to me for people to see disabled actors, queer actors, trans actors, doing art, performing art, and doing things out in the world.

It's important to me for people to see disabled and trans folks happy and thriving.

We've hit a set back. We're going back to our organizing stage. We're going back to our roots.

Learn your history. Know that we've fought before.

And, don't give up. Please. Don't give up. I'm not giving up. Neither should you.

[lo-sulci]

What are heaven will be mine & coquette dragoon?

oh my goodness, thank you for asking!! the short answer: they are incredibly good visual novels that I highly recommend, especially if you're a fan of mecha, sci-fi, great world building, yuri, and generally just amazing art created by transfems

long answer:

heaven will be mine (aside from being where I got my url) is the second VN made by worst girls games, best known for their first outing, we know the devil (also an absolutely amazing game). hwbm tends to ask a bit more from the reader than its predecessor- while wktd almost exclusively featured three characters and dealt with rather plainly stated themes of alienation, loneliness, and religious trauma, hwbm presents a setting cloaked in metaphor where human will literally shapes the universe and psychic mech pilots read spacetime like a narrative.

the cast is bigger, with the three routes allowing insight into each of the three main girls in addition to members of the factions they belong to, all in service of a beautiful story about queer people connecting with each other and finding/making their place in a world that would want to deny them their happiness (and a lot of other things, but I'm simplifying some here). begging to be replayed over and over, i've had different characters and details stick out every time ive played through the game, while also gaining a deeper understanding of and appreciation for hwbm's characters and setting. I've loved hwbm and wktd for years and expect I will for years and years to come, which, incidentally, is why I got a pair of tattoos based on these games LMAO. in other words: they're fucking fantastic and hit like few other things out there, imo

coquette dragoon is one of those other things, because holy shit does it excel at hitting incredibly specific and relatable emotional beats that are liable to absolutely tear you apart. created by ivy burgeroise, who (by her own fantastic description) makes art for sad perverts, coquette takes place during a seemingly endless war between the lilac fleet and the duchy of lucia, two spacefaring societies inhabited by animal people who have very differing opinions on magic.

focusing (so far) on xiomara rosales of the lilac and lady honey rose of the duchy, coquette explores painfully human stories from both sides of the war. (to that point, I'd be remiss if I didn't advise you to look out for the content warnings- coquette gets into some very heavy stuff and speaks about it very frankly and honestly, which is to its credit imo but i also understand that that is not something that everyone is in a space to deal with.) more than anything else, I feel, coquette is a work that puts words to feelings that you'd never before been able to describe, and, through the vulnerability of its author in making something so emotionally honest, makes me want to be more openly and happily myself. all of this in a story that examines war, exploitation, and the societal structures that prop them up, among many, many, many other things. I could keep talking in circles gushing about it, because I am so so obsessed with what's been released so far and so indescribably excited to see how it progresses in the future, but to keep myself from going on for too too long i'll cap this off with a tweet about coquette that i frequently think of and is one of the best recommendations I can offer:

OH and also coquette has wibbleburger, which, as we all know, is your favorite

[milfzatannaz]

thank you for putting the harm neil gaiman has done over the love you had for his writing, its been really distressing to see so many people cry about how they love good omens and prioritize their own feelings, acting like their feelings about fictional characters matter more than the real harm he has done and how unsafe it is to allow him his continued fame, power, platform and accesses to people.

I fell in love with sandman, i have battered copies of both violent cases and black orchid, i used to love good omens [before falling out of the fandom] but the second i found out i got angry, i grieved the money i spent on the sandman comics [bc im broke af], and i recognized that the joy his works has ever brought anyone is nothing compared to the pain the women went through, with more and more coming forwards. its such a shame that's so hard for so many people to do

sorry that got away from me, but just to say thank you for being so reasonable about all of this, when i found out i ached for you because of all the love you have poured into sandman and death of the endless, and i think you should get the exclusive rights to death of the endless.

also fuck the people crying over a 90 minute movie i think good omens should have been removed from netflix <- petty over reaction but man why are good omens fans so annoying about the two shrodingers gay angels, get some better queer rep

hey, you don’t have to thank me. I really appreciate it though. I’m navigating this just like you and everyone else! I’ll be lying if I said the first few weeks didn’t leave me distressed and really, really confused. But I worked that shit out with my support system and my therapist…..I just hate how ppl are letting their personal feelings of hurt and disappointment cloud their priorities! We all reacted in our own individual ways, but those reactions should never take priority over our commitment to protecting women and supporting his victims.

I love sandman too. Pls don’t feel guilty over buying those books. I mean, I have a really extensive collection that I used my meager college paycheck to pay for, and I don’t feel guilty for having done it. They brought me joy! We’re allowed joy and to love our belongings. Hell, I’ll treasure my Absolute Death for the rest of my life- it’s my favorite book in my collection! We didn’t buy them to support him, we bought them bc they made us happy. It serves no one to self flagellate over that. There’s a huge difference between reading books we already own and petitioning Amazon to rehire him, trust me! You’re doing your best too and I commend you for that!

[meruz]

another ask post

i mean i also read it because a friend whos rly into queer SFF fiction circles recced it but she did kinda lead with "the writer used to write hs fanfic...tasmyn..taz...?" to which i replied

of COURSE I read the locked tomb because i heard taz had written a book. of course. ill consume most any media made by a beloved homestuck bnf. thats also why i played undertale. and read like..snotgirl. and idk... watched the new dub of neon genesis evangelion.

if u made homestuck fanwork 10 years ago and havent even made it since chances are I still remember and I love you for it.

sdlkfhsg its funny you sensed that because that drawing did in fact start kinda more........ well, I'd be lying if I said my hands never wrought a drawing toeing over the pg-13 line LOL...

NOT to say i have a secret stash of porn or anything. in general im more interested in the implication of sexuality or mature themes over any explicit depiction. like everything i draw is so softcore itd almost feel silly to make a nsfw acc for anything.

but im not rly jumping to post anything on main either bc i get the sense i have a lot of kids in my social media following. it varies from site to site and fandom to fandom but the themes in my work often circle around childhood, coming of age etc and in general i like stories about kids so the fandoms i draw for have a lot of kids in them. even stuff like IT (stephen king) which is about kids but isn't necessarily for kids.. there were a lot of kids in that fandom lol.

actually thats why ive been censoring swears in comics lately because the tmnt fandom comes across to me as a little young...IDK I've had MULTIPLE people ask me what "sodomize" means because of the joke in this post and I'm like... I Cannot be the one to explain this to you. you have to look it up on your own klfsdhsdg like i wouldn't be doing this if i were doing a comic for mgs or even homestuck wherein the characters textually swear constantly LOL but sometimes u gotta change tacks depending on the faces u see in the crowd yknow.

i HAVE been thinking abt drawing nsfw of sunspot/richard rider/kobak from x-men red just because that comic seemed to be really asking for it. who knows.. if the need rly arises maybe my separate account policy will change.

its rly more a matter of the fact that i havent read/watched much of any other iterations... im sure id like most lol. I like most things related to my interests regardless of quality. i rly like the marvel ultimate alliance games for instance. sometimes seeing my fave guy is enough he doesnt have to be well written LOL. i dont exactly have a wealth of free time tho thats the real impediment.

i did watch the 2007 movie on new years eve and found it quite charming overall. and i have read about 30-40 issues between the mirage and idw comics. still feels like im barely scratching the surface but i liked em. i rly want to read all the sophie campbell stuff bc i think her work is interesting. jason aaron will be a mixed bag i think lmao. i say as the worlds biggest Wolverine and the X-Men (2011) fan.

hmm this is kinda hard bc i feel like i naturally draw very loose and the hard part for me is tightening it up. maybe some suggestions tho...

1) hand excercises. i think its easy to forget this when many artists sit in front of the computer all day but drawing is a physical activity u do with ur actual...bodys...muscles lol. if u feel urself tightening up it might help to strech (any google search for "artist hand excercises" should yield good results) or do a page of loose practice strokes like..big circles. long lines. scribbles. that kinda thing. whatever feels good for ur hand. this is also just good to do as a general warm up before u sit down for any drawing sesh.

2) draw further away from the canvas. as a general rule...when ur painting traditionally you do the big strokes with your whole arm outstreched and a long handled brush. and when you do the details its smaller wrist movements and a shorter handled brush. so it might help to take a step back or push back from ur chair a little.. or hold ur tablet a little further away. and hold your pen further away from the nib.

3) change mediums / brush types. some brushes and mediums are more suited to loose sketching and some more inclined towards detail work. so changing ur tool could help. also! i personally have this problem where sometimes if im using a brush i feel really familiar with the pressure to make a "good" "finished" "perfect" drawing is greater... if i want to force myself to loosen up ill switch to a tool i dont use as often so it feels like the pressure is off. a lot of times for me this is switching from digital to traditional. but sometimes its switching from a small pen to a big marker. or a smooth pen to a textured one. or a nice brush to a shitty dried up marker.

but also every body is different so i dont think these tips will work for everyone. u should listen to what ur body and mind tell u and how drawing feels to you

bro just sign up and set it up i dont think theres much to it... i dont rly think too much abt my itch.io store because its digital goods so u just upload the file and let it do its thing. no distribution work needed on ur part. youll notice i barely even advertise my itch unless i have smth new on there lol.. its easy. but good luck!!!

idk if im the best person to ask this im more a comic fan than i am a comic professional... a comic hobbist.

well. scott mcclouds understanding comics and making comics are good books on the craft. i think i had to buy them for a class in art school once.

other than that idk just keep at it. comics are really laborious i think for a lot of people the hardest part is sitting down and doing it.

i think a lot of people have a very instinctive understanding of how to read comics and what they look like so whatever you think seems like good way to tell the story you have in mind, its probably right. if u get stuck, study comics that have done something similar. most people in comics are relatively self taught and actually it can be problematic bc you can tell when a lot of comic artists are all copying the same like 5 old white guys LMAO. but on the flip side if you make sure to reference and study broadly your comics will almost assuredly feel unique.

sorry im responding to this anyways. this is just a really nice ask. i like when people reference my older work bc i feel like sometimes theyre subtly implying it wasnt very good LMAOOO. but its true! at least compared to the work i make now ^^ and the fact that im still making art is whats keeping me from being embarassed abt how much of my old art just floats around online lmao im never ashamed to be growing and learning. isnt that a nice thought <3

[festivalofthe12]

No but it really is starting to settle on me just how much MORE popular Yuki/Kakeru is since the new anime came out.

Like: I recently regained access to my old livejournal from the late 00s!!!! And unfortunately I made that after the height of my Fruits Basket phase, but I still did make some mention of Yuki/Kakeru... And, well.

18) A pairing that is woefully unappreciated! YUKI/FRICKINGKAKERU. I swear, there's less than a PAGE of this on fanfic.net. Less than a PAGE. Geez, it's implied SO MUCH in so many scenes, even WITHOUT the whole 'I'll brake up with you' thing. Bloody fandom, don't appreciate good characters and pairings when they see them... (8/3/2008)

And as I implied in an earlier post, while I was trawling through the Ao3 tag (still on-going!!) I decided to give myself a blast from the past and re-read through the Yuki S. and Kakeru M. filter on ff.net, which I remember checking religiously. Today? Three pages.

Ao3 has 10 pages and 200 works!!!

And even then, like, lately I've been going through my old bookmarks (sadly I've only found one Yuki/Kakeru, which I'd already remembered anyway), with a current focus on Zuko/Aang. Well, even just by googling I can immediately summon up whole rec lists of livejournal snippets and fic memes and the like, so I was excited to see what I could dig out for Yukeru, since I certainly remember Fruits Basket having a big presence on that site!

Nothing. Literally, I haven't found anything yet. Save a livejournal comm with exactly three posts, long-dead.

Of course, it makes sense that the new anime brought in new fans: Kakeru famously never showed up in the old anime, so people would only have ever even met him if they read through to, what? Volume 8? Later? of the manga. And I do recall the fandom being far less... Yuki-positive, back then. Yuki/Kyou was a popular ship, of course, and Yuki/Haru was around, but those ships had Kyou and Haru fans behind them; you'd only ship Yukeru if you were really invested in Yuki himself.

But it's still just boggling me. I did find Yuki/Kakeru rec lists, but they're all from the last few years. They alone have as much fanfic as ff.net had of Yukeru total back in 2008, when Kakeru had surely existed for a good half a decade at least, even in English.

Is there something about the current fanfiction landscape that is far more amenable to Yuki/Kakeru? Probably, yeah, I think: it's a pairing very situated for queer coming-of-age found family type stories, which are much more popular now. (Not that they never existed before! But fandom was much less... consciously activist-y. Maybe I'm just betraying my age back then, but it was much more common to ship boys simply because they were ~smexy~ together, as I think I myself cringefully wrote about Yuki/Kyou in my very first livejournal post...)

And it's. Such a strange feeling. I remember when I realised that season 2 of the anime had come out, and on a whim deciding to check the Yuki/Kakeru fanfic tag on ao3. And I thought I found only a small number! And I read one, and went 'oh cool, my old ship has Plural New Works!' and moved on!!! I truly had no IDEA there were so MANY... or that they were so GOOD.

Yuki/Kakeru was one of the first ships I ever wrote. The fic was very long and I'm sure very bad, though unfortunately this is from the period of my writings lost to time, so I'll sadly never be able to check it out for my (current) self. I think it was the first lemon I ever wrote; on a Pirates of the Caribbean fic I exclaimed that this second lemon was much better than my first, and I have a sneaking suspicion Yuki/Kakeru is who my 14-or-so old self had written like that.

I made a friend on ff.net because they were one of the very few Yuki/Kakeru writers. I have a visceral memory of coming upon the 'I'll break up with you' scene while reading the manga at school during lunch, and how I immediately exclaimed it aloud in great excitement, startling a poor teacher who had been talking to one of my friends and no doubt knew me as being very quiet. I'm sure I must have drawn it in all sorts of little doodles; I saved a lot of my old high school arts, so maybe I should try going through those as well?

I don't know. I'm just feeling a great sense of awe, I guess, haha. That ship was *so important to me*, and it was *so hard* to find anyone else who felt as strongly as me! (My friends all liked Fruits Basket with me, of course, but we've always tended to have divergent ship tastes.) And right beneath my nose, it has had a renaissance! It sprouted and bloomed and then went dormant again while I twiddled my thumbs, vaguely promising myself that I'd get back to the new anime at some point or other!

God I just. REALLY wish I'd been paying attention while the anime was airing, hahaha. :') My inner child has been so thoroughly validated by this all, that this ship I cared so much about really IS as great and important and meaningful as I'd always thought it was! But how must it have been to be in the thick of it all, when the ship tags were thriving? When I could've seen the new viewer's reactions to famous scenes? When everyone else was thinking about Yukeru as much as I have been, this last month or so?

But I'm not only unhappy. i can't not be grateful that these people have come and made works which I can still now and enjoy, and that there are still certainly people around to like my silly little Yukeru posts and even maybe make new ones. Things are so much better now than they were back then.

It's just. Incredible. Why didn't any of this happen back then?! Why did this Understanding take so long to spread and percolate?!? I don't know. But I'm happy. My younger self... is so, so happy. :'DDD