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ellievickstar · 2 years ago

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His Second Choice?

A/N: So my first ever fic was Azriel angst…thus, this. I have curated what I consider to be the worst thing of all time, being someone’s second choice, especially if you are their soulmate.

Summary: When then mating bond finally snaps into place, what are you meant to do when you realise your mate has another in his heart, will you break it off to save yourself, or will your mate be able to save this heartbreak?

Request: N/A

Pairing: Azriel x Witch!Reader, Azriel x Elain, Nessian, Feysand.

Warnings: Angst. Tears. Mentions of witchcraft. Elain Slander. Being someone’s second option. (If you are in a similar situation, BREAK IT OFF. He or she is not worth it), Azriel being incredibly stupid. Elain slander. Thanks to @azrielhours for helping me come up with the idea! I also added my own take of the Hanahaki Disease with Azzy. Hope you enjoy, love you babes <3

My Masterlists & Rules

~*~*~*~*~

You walked down the hall, and noticed that there was a slight bounce in your step, smiling as you recalled the reason why. Today was finally the day, after weeks of going on countless missions for Rhys, Azriel could finally have dinner with you as usual, and just in time to. Today you were celebrating finally being able to finish the last book of your series, quite popular now, no doubt thanks to Feyre's connections to a famous publisher, which allowed the series to get the exposure it needed. (A/N: Is this how publishing books work? Someone please educate me)

Thanks to the help of Mor and Nesta's fashionable taste in dresses, they had picked out a wonderful dress. It was a dark navy blue, azriel's favourite colour, which faded into white with golden accents. The sleeves were off the shoulder, lined with flowers sewn and embroidered into the top. You were in absolute awe when you saw it and had tried it on immediately, thankfully it fit you well, and you wished the two females well before heading to bottom of the stairs to the House of Wind, where Azriel agreed to pick you up.

You wondered what he'd think as you fidgeted with the layers of your dress, occasionally summoning spells to pass time. During the first hour, you just played with your magic, bored. During the second hour, you begun to worry that he might have been injured during the mission. During the third, you were ready to summon Rhys

That's when Cassian and Nesta came across you and asked you why you weren't with Azriel and you made a painful realisation.

You had stood there, waiting like a fool. Thinking that maybe, your mate would still care enough to at least show up if he was tired from his mission. Stood there, until Nesta and Cassian came across you, Nesta demanding to know where Azriel was, Cassian puzzled as he claimed Azriel had come home hours before. And that's when you knew he had forgotten. And it hurt.

You shouldn't have been upset. After all, he could have been so tired and just landed in bed immediately, he could have been flooded with paperwork for the mission. Cassian offered to bring you to the House of Wind but y ou waved him off, telling him to enjoy the rest of his night with Nesta and not to worry about you.

You couldn't winnow. But you could do something else. After ensuring that no one could see you, you waved a hand in the air. Drawing precise shapes from memory. A light glowed in your hand, slowly swallowing your arm, then the rest of you. And when you closed your eyes because of how bright it was you felt the atmosphere shift. And with your fingers crossed you opened one eye, then the other, to see yourself standing in the living room of the House of Wind.

Witchcraft.

You had grown up as a witch, travelling across Prythian with your family and friends. That was before Amarantha's rule, before...everything. Before you witnessed you family slaughtered. Before you mustered up so much power you shouldn't even be alive. Before your friends needed to go into hiding. Before everyone thought witches were evil. And it wasn't just you. Bryaxis, was something of an old friend. You were no stranger to the weaver, the bone carver or the suriel. They had all been...friends. And such association with had had cause your kind to be deemed evil.

So you hid your power, you hid your identity. The only people you ever told was the inner circle, save Feyre's two sisters. You weren't comfortable with sharing it with new people, and everyone understood. You had told Nesta vague details, but tears had begun to form in your eyes and she embraced you, telling you that it was alright if you didn't wish to speak of it yet.

The memory made you smile. But once you remembered the situation at hand, it turned into a frown. Reaching out to that mating bond, you grasped it, but there was nothing on the pother side. Though Azriel was your lover, he hadn't experienced the bond for himself yet. You would wait for it to click for him, you didn't want to rush him.

Laughter caught your attention, and the distinct sound of your mate made you freeze as you faced the balcony. There they were. It was clear as day as your mate entered the House of Wind with Elain. Elain. You'd known that they had grown closer, but to leave you with no explanation and spend time with someone else. You blanched.

Azriel's eyes found yours and as they trailed down to your dress, the colour drained from his face. He truly had forgotten. Not for any rhyme or reason but because he was busy with someone else. Your vision began to blur, but you swallowed as you asked him one thing.

"Why?" It was so soft, you couldn't recognise your own voice. But Azriel flinched. You searched for an answer in his eyes but found none as he looked away. You begged him silently for a good reason, a good answer, anything but-

"I guess I just forgot, and she needed me for something important," It was as if he had slapped you. Turning away, tears streamed down your face, and with a wave of your hand a blinding light flashed and you were gone. Azriel left on his knees as he had tried to grab you, to convince you to stay, to let him make up for what he had forgotten, but never once thought about what he had just said, what he had just implied.

~*~*~*~*~

"He didn't!" Mor gasped. You nodded sadly and Nesta huffed as she sat back in her chair. Feyre was quiet as she stirred her tea. You couldn't imagine how they both felt. On one hand, Elain was their sister, but to even attempt on a man who already had a lover was beyond both of them. Feyre shook her head, in disbelief and disappointment. She exchanged looks with Nesta and cleared her throat.

"Perhaps, we sheltered Elain all her life, but it is no excuse for what she is doing, whether she realises it or not. I will speak to her about the issue at hand, but don't worry, I won't tell her about the bond," You smiled gratefully at the high lady and she excused herself to go to the bathroom. You couldn't help but be envious of the relationship she had. Though you would never want to date the High Lord, you wished that Azriel would care for you as much as Rhys did Feyre.

Sighing, you set your cup down, ready to leave for a meeting with Bryaxus - who was more than overjoyed when you begun to regularly visit him - and then you felt it, it was like your heart was being ripped out of you as you gasped, heaving, coughing. Mor sat up, alarmed, and Nesta moved to hold your back, soothing you. You hacked and watched in horror as blood and what looked like the petals of a flower came spewing out of your mouth.

You knew this disease.

You knew what it would do.

You knew what needed to be done.

"Get Madja," You coughed out to Mor, "Now! I need her now!" Raising your voice, you began to cough up more petals and more blood. Mor instantly winnowed out and was back within a few minutes, Madja hot on her heels as she rushed towards you. Your mind spun as you processed everything. Not this, anything but this, please.

After your coughing fit that scared the wits out of Mor and Nesta, you explained the disease to them. Madja nodded at your every word as she inspected the kind of flowers that you had coughed up.

Red Tulips. Soulmates.

Marigolds. Hurt.

Daffodils. Unrequited Love.

You cursed under your breath. Feyre had just returned and was quickly filled in on the situation. She paled as she took in the flowers, their meanings. Hours of listening to what Elain said flowers represented and now Feyre wish she had forgotten all of it. You started heaving again and Madja made you lean forward as you coughed up more petals into a paper bag.

Unbridled pain roared through the veins of your body as it began to come in paves. Whimpering, you brought your knees to your chest, but the coughing didn't stop. You were in near tears. How could you let this happen? Years of hearing about this disease and you were now victim to it. You couldn't help that your mate was in love with another, but why was this so much worse than the stories? You had seen the events of the disease transpire and it was no where near as bad-

"It's because you and Azriel are mates. In other cases, this only happens between two lovers...never mates. Mates usually have an instant connection, so it's very rare for one half to love another person entirely," Feyre explained. Nesta muttered something about how Tamlin should have gotten this cursed disease, but Feyre then explained that there was a difference between 'love' and 'obsession'. This couldn't be happening. You groaned into your palms, maybe you should go to the bathroom, lest the next thing you know you can't move.

Standing up, you took one step, then another, your vision bagan to tunnel, and you turned back to the sofa. You had to at least get back to a lying down position, but before you could, darkness hugged you like a warm, welcoming blanket.

~*~*~*~*~

Mor yelped as she rushed to keep Y/N from falling. Feyre immediately reaching out to Rhys to get everyone to go to the House of Wind immediately. It was an emergency. Rhys was there with Lucien in a heartbeat. For a second, Mor wondered where Azriel was, when booming beats of wings could be heard. Cassian rushing in, letting out a sigh of relief as he spied that Nesta was safe, Azriel with Elain in his arms entering soon after as he set her down.

Feyre, Mor and Nesta all scowled at the Shadow singer, assuming that it was because of Y/N he nodded at them apologetically. Which in turn made them all exchange enraged looks, Feyre making a mental note to tell Rhys to cut Azriel's hefty salary by at least half. Still a sizeable portion, but maybe he's start thinking about the consequences to his actions.

"We're here because of Y/N," Mor started and Elain scoffed. Feyre and Nesta were taken aback by the rude behaviour. Having enough of so many problems, Nesta spoke up. "Is there a problem, Elain?" Elain rolled her eyes and picked at her nails.

"Y/N is just jealous that Azriel decided that he didn't want to be with her anymore. Besides, there are so many other males for her, why those she have to target Azriel?" Nesta gritted her teeth, ready to yell at her ignorant sister, but decided against it as Mor began to speak.

"Y/N has contracted something called Hanahaki Disease, a disease cause my unrequited love towards another," This made Elain snort, but Mor continued, ignoring her, "Usually there would be time to try several cures, but in this case, it's..." More trailed off, unable to find the words, unable to utter the thing that would confirm her own fears. Feyre continued for her.

"She's dying. Fast. Madja says we have a day at best, hours at worse," The words were almost unheard, Cassian stared at Nesta, the devastation on her face, he glanced to Azriel, the bastard's face remained impassive, but as he reached to his mind, absolute chaos. Pain. Suffering.

Azriel felt paralysed when he heard the words. He might never be able to make up for the mistake he made. The hurt he caused his lover. But, something made him stop.

"You said usually, there would be more time. What's the difference in this case?" The question made Feyre pause. She glanced at her sister and friend but they both looked unsure. Should they tell him? They had sworn not to tell anyone but in a situation like this...

"You are her mate," Nesta softly muttered. So soft, that if it wasn't for everyone's Fae hearing, they would have passed it off as the wind. Elain gasped ion anger, and Azriel fell to his knees. No. It can't be. He mustn't have heard it right. His mate? But as he reached into his soul, he grasped the at the foreign golden thread that was foreign to him all this time, and tugged it hard. Images flooded his mind and he begun to weep.

The shadow singer, hardened by years of battle, war, and torture, begun to weep as he saw an invisible golden thread reach out, and go through the door where his mate probably was. And for the first time in centuries, he understood her. He saw her pain, her memories, her thoughts.

Horrified, he witnessed himself saying those words to her. Telling her that Elain was more important, telling her that another female was more important than his mate. He wanted to know when she found out about the bond, wanted to demand why she never told him, but now wasn't the time. He needed to get to her.

Faster then anyone could stop him, he got to his feet and ran. Tearing through the door and stopped as he saw her. She was so pale, sweat beaded down her forehead as her breaths were laboured. She wasn't even conscious. Shadows sang as they danced around her figure. Not right. Dying. Sick. Disease.

He felt himself being pulled back by Cassian, asking him to calm down, asking him to listen, but he couldn't. He was panicked. He couldn't leave her, not again, he needed her. He couldn't lose her after just finding out. It took both Rhys and Cassian to haul Azriel away, he screamed after his mate, screamed as he prayed, he didn't know to who, but if there was any slight chance that they'd let her wake up, if there was at least one good thing he'd done in all his existence that allowed him this one good thing, he'd bargain with the Gods for a chance to live the rest of his life with his mate. Would bargain away his own life.

He didn't know how long it was until Madja came out with a solemn look. He didn't know how long it was he stood there when she uttered those defining words. "She might not make it," Before she dragged him to the side.

"What is your relationship with Y/N?" She demanded. Azriel's head spun as he tried to recall what happened. "I...it's complicated," Madja paused at seeing the shadow singer falter after 500 years of walking through life without a care in the world. However, the answer he was giving was not going to help her save Y/N.

"Define it shadow singer! Give me details! Let me know what was happening that she became so ill!" She snapped. Azriel flinched. He knew she had every right to be annoyed at him. He was the cause of the illness and he couldn't even think straight, couldn’t even try to save her.

“I hurt her. I hurt her and I shouldn’t have, I stood her up, and then told her another female was more important. I grew distant. And now she’s suffering. Because of me,” He swallowed and Madja nodded. He ran his hand through his hair. Panic danced in his eyes and Madja sighed. This was complicated, never in all her year did she need to treat such a complicated case, even when Illyrians were on the brink of losing their wings. Even when she had to treat battle wounds that would leave the faint hearted in shambles.

She shook her head, turning to leave, voicing only one instruction as she walked out, “Break off whatever relationship you have with that Archeron Sister, and pray that you’re mate will wake,” He nodded and Madja left the shadow singer feeling empty, feeling as if he had nothing left in the world.

~*~*~*~*~

His foot steps felt heavy as he walked to the living room of the House of Wind. He couldn't believe this. All his life, he'd dreamed of meeting his mate. He'd dreamed of living out his life together with her, and now he might not even get to right the wrongs he had made. He might not even get to tell her that he was sorry for hurting her.

"So? What do we need to do?" Mor demanded as he came into view of the rest. He sighed as looked down at his scarred palms, ones who had done harm to thousands and he hadn't regretted it, not once. Until now. His own mate. Maybe karma really did exist. Maybe he shouldn't have been so cruel to so many people.

"I...I have to break up with Elain or she dies tonight," He said shakily. Everyone stared at him. Elain rolled her eyes once more. “What a drama queen. She’s such an attention seeker, right guys?” She looked around but no one seemed to agree. Her eyes seemed to flicker between surprise and resentment. “You guys are stupid, she’s not dying she’s just faking it,” She tried to say but Cassian brought a hand up, stopping her.

“You, dumb brat. You’re sisters have shielded you all their lives and the one time you have an opportunity that you aren’t just an empty headed child, you blow it!” Nesta tried to calm him down but everyone could tell that a part of her agreed with what her mate was saying. Rhysand then chimed in, “A member of my court, one of my closest friends, is dying. And you have the audacity, the gall, to say that she is attention seeking? I don’t care that you are my mate’s sister, but that disrespect will not be tolerated in my court, even so, my mate would agree with me. You have been born and raised sheltered and shielded from a broken world and instead of being thankful, instead of feeling an ounce of appreciation towards the female who saved your damn life, you ruined hers.” Feyre nodded, and as Elain looked around, she realised that no one was siding with her, not even Lucien.

She huffed, enraged by the outcome of this, before strutting out of the house of Wind. Nesta felt disheartened, she had been so protective of Elain that she had now turned into this uncaring monster, it made her feel like she had failed. Her emotions were echoed down the bond and Cassian turned towards her and hugged her, pressing her against him gently. The scene made Azriel feel alone, and so guilty. He could have had that, if he had just opened his damn eyes, if he hadn’t hurt her the way he did.

But now, he didn’t even know if his mate was going to make the end of the day. And he prayed to whatever god there was out there, that he’d get one more shot to make things right.

~*~*~*~*~

A/N: Should I make part 2???? Idk T^T Hope you enjoyed <3

PART 2 IS OUT

@aroseinvelaris

If you wanna be tagged: Just ask and remember to specify if you wanna be tagged in just part 2 of this fic, all Azriel fics, any specific character fics/series, or just all my fics in certain fandoms. <3

#Azriel x reader #azriel shadowsinger #azriel x elain #azriel acomaf #azriel imagine #azriel acotar #azriel #angst #Cassian acotar #acotar character x reader #Acotar #rhysand acotar #lucien acotar #acotar fanart #azriel shadow singer x reader angst #Azriel x reader angst

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ninthcircleofprythian · 6 months ago

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🔥- Smut 💕- Fluff 🙈- Angst 🩹- Hurt/Comfort

Masterlist Header by @saradika-graphics

Please read all warnings on fics - some fics contain heavy emotional topics and explicit descriptions. All fics will be appropriately tagged at the time of posting. Please read them carefully before diving in. Your mental health matters.

Azriel

🔥 Winner Takes All - After returning from a girls retreat weekend at the cabin, Nesta and Celeste find out the Bat Boy husbands have made a bet they are sure to lose. (Azriel x OC Celeste)

🔥Here Comes The Sun - When the Spymaster of the Night Court discovers your little crush, you end up crossing a lot of firsts off your list. (Azriel x You/Reader)

🔥💕Dinner and Dessert - As his mate's due date approaches, Az can't handle the sight of her pregnant body in a sundress without going a bit feral. (Azriel x OC Mira)

Continuing Series

Unbound - Not having a mating bond didn't stop the love Azriel and Celeste have for each other or their commitment. When an unknown magic lingering from Celeste's past causes her to lose all memories of the last century, will they be able to rebuild their life without a bond tethering them together? (Azriel x OC Celeste)

💕🙈 Part 1 - They Don't Know About Us

🙈 Part 2 - Don't Pull Away

💕Part 3 - We're Going to Solstice Dinner -- and We're Gunna Get Married

🙈🩹 Part 4 - Dancing With Your Ghost

🙈 Part 5 - As The World Caves In

🙈 Part 6 - Numb, But I Still Feel It

🙈 Part 7 - Putting on a Brave Face

🙈 Part 8 - Take Me To Church

Cassian

🔥 Kiss - Don't Tell - Cassian/Azriel - M/M - after a wild threesome months ago - Cas and Az get a little curious what things would be like without a third party involved

Eris

🔥 Make It Hurt - After a truly terrible day you come home only to be surprised by the one and only Eris Vanserra and he knows how to make it all better. (Eris x You/Reader)

💕 Stuck in the Middle with You - Eris relents to participate in a throuples Halloween costume contest at your insistence. (Halloween modern AU) (Eris Week 2024 - AU day) (Azris/Reader)

Continuing Series

The Bird and The Badger - a series of interconnect one shots told in non-linear order detailing the life of Eris x OC (Bryn) --- eventual Azris x OC (Parts will be listed here in chronological order)

💕A Matter of Trust - Eris needs to find someone he can trust to help with part of his secretive plan against Beron.

🙈Keeping Up Appearances - Eris and Bryn travel to Night Court to enact the bargain with Rhys.

Azris

💕A Pocketful of -- Ragweed? - (Short little drabble for Azris week) Eris might be snide and snarky with his words, but he sure knows how to surprise his mate with his actions.

🙈 May Her Memory Be a Blessing - no summary. please read the authors notes. this will hurt. emotional damage.

💕 When You Wish Upon a Star - just a little slice of life and domesticity for dad!Az and dad!Eris.

💕Boop or Treat - modern AU halloween fic with dad!Az and dad!Eris

Elucien

💕 Scrabble Drabble - Family game night after weekly dinners tended to get a little contentious. It wasn’t unusual for someone to quit midway through or to accuse another of cheating. It was no different now that Lucien had joined in the weekly tradition with his mate, Elain.

💕Icing Is The Spice Of Life - Elain may have slightly over-commited her famous holiday cookies to friends and family. But her mate Lucien comes to the rescue. Cuteness abounds.

Headcanons

💕 In which the fae of Prythian discover bubble gum - (Feysand, Nessian, Elucien, Azris, Mor)

Corner Productions

(Collaborations with Chaos)

🔥 Gold Star for You - silly NSFW smut headcanons of everyone and reader - Reader introduces gold star reward system in the bedroom.

💕 With This Ring - Headcanons about Eris Vanserra and his affinity for jewelry - especially after a certain Shadowsinger enters his life.

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underneath-the-sidras · 3 months ago

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I'm Addicted to the 'If Only'

for @nessianweek Day 2: Yearning

Summary: There were times. Times when the ale in her cup had softened the roaring in her head to a dull hum. When she was half asleep, or bewitched by a particular tune the string players were playing at the tavern. Times when Nesta's mind would wander towards the shimmering light in the back of her mind, and picture what could have been. With Cassian.

Nesta gets drunk and is simply a woman with fantasies / ACOFAS AU?

A/N: Felt cute, might delete later. I'm going to be honest, I've never done this before. Done what you ask? All of it! Unfortunately, an idea wiggled into my brain and I needed to write it out. Fortunately, the stars aligned and this worked out for Nessian week! That and @separatist-apologist is very good at convincing others to write their first fics. It's very imperfect, but I'd like to think of it as a way to thank all the wonderful writers in the Nessian community who have kept me well-fed with all their beautiful work for so long. This fic is inspired by the song "I Look in People's Windows" by Taylor Swift.

On AO3

-------------------------------------------------

Snow was falling over Velaris.

Nesta watched as flakes the size of silver coins dropped onto roofs and the heads of passersby as they bustled by the tavern window. The city would soon be completely covered in white, the snowflakes layering on top of one another in the street until they became an impenetrable sea of snow. She used to hate the winter in the mortal lands, how it ran their food scarce, how it forced her to rely on snuggling close to her sisters for warmth. But as she observed from the warm interior of the tavern, she was beginning to appreciate the harsh beauty of the coldest season. She liked the hard structure that came from the cold, finding it far more appealing than the dripping nature of the summertime. That, and maybe she had also begun to appreciate the isolation that came with the onslaught of colder weather. Fewer bodies on the streets meant less chance of running into certain fae.

It had been four months since the final battle with Hybern, and Nesta had since effectively removed herself from the inner circle. Her sisters were now free to live their lives without her, no longer having to dwell on old wounds and painful memories. And Cassian…her thoughts stuttered. She tried not to think about the Night Court’s general when she could help it, casting any lingering thoughts of him to the farthest corner of her mind.

But.

But there were times. Times when the ale in her cup had softened the roaring in her head to a dull hum. When she was half asleep, or bewitched by a particular tune the string players were playing at the tavern. Times when she would wander towards the shimmering light in the back of her mind, and picture what could have been. With him.

Would he hold her hand while they sat at the tavern, she wondered, his thumb slowly stroking the back of her hand as the music played. Would he press soft kisses into her hair and carry her home after she complained about her feet hurting? The corners of her mouth threatened to lift at the thought.

She would teach him how to dance, firmly placing his hands on her waist and admonishing him when they slipped lower. His warm laugh would rumble across his chest, and she could feel it now. Feel how they were pressed together, how warm and smooth his skin felt against hers, and how her heart would thunder as he leaned in to press a soft kiss to her lips.

One kiss would turn into two, then three until he was backing her up towards the wall of her apartment, his hands fisting in her hair as she cried out “Cassian–”

“Miss?”

Nesta jolted up from where her head rested at the bar, the bartender looking over her with a mixture of pity and weariness. Her head turned over her shoulder to survey the room, suddenly aware of the vast emptiness of the tavern around her.

“Bar closed about a half hour ago,” he said apologetically, “Is there someone I can get to take you home?” Nesta shook her head, her cheeks heating. She rose quickly from her seat, swaying slightly from the alcohol.

“That won’t be necessary, thank you.” She said in a clipped tone. Using everything in her power to remain balanced, she made her way to the door, decidedly ignoring the concerned look of the barkeep.

The cold wind greeted her instantly, a welcome sobering feeling brushing across her face. Nesta breathed in the chilly air, the ale having warmed her enough that the cold was almost enjoyable. But the bartender’s question still nettled in her mind. Was there anyone to take her home? Who would want to take her home?

The image of the Night Court’s general flashed across her mind. Cassian, her mind seemed to sigh at his name. Would Cassian have taken her home? Perhaps if she had not refused to speak to him after the war, and he had not given up so easily, he would be here. It was impossible given their history, she knew that, but it was at times like these when Nesta’s mind liked to play games of pretend. Pretending she lived in a world where she wasn’t broken and Cassian had stayed. Would he come to nights at the tavern with her or meet Nesta to walk her home, not wanting her to walk alone on the street?

Nesta didn’t even know if Cassian liked music, or what kind, where his favorite tavern was, or what he liked to drink.

She didn’t want to know.

She was desperate to know.

It was nonsensical to wonder about these things, she knew, but Nesta’s whole body ached with how much she did not know Cassian, and how much he did not know her. He should not know her, the roar in her head tried to scream out, but the foolish part of her was louder as she continued to walk through the snow-laden streets of the city.

Did it feel alright for him to not know her? Was he tormented by it, wondering what she liked and where she was at every waking moment? Her stomach fluttered at the thought of it. Her drunken mind liked that idea, of him aching for her.

She pictured taking Cassian to places she liked to go, her favorite tavern where they had string players on weekends, the bookstore on the corner of her street, the bakery next door to it with the chocolate-almond pastries. Letting him get to know her, and enjoying it.

As her mind wandered, Nesta found her feet continuing to walk deeper into the city, eventually pulling her to one of the main shopping avenues of Velaris. There were crowds on the street this evening for some kind of street fair, bundled but smiling fae faces gathered around food stalls and art vendors in the street. Children chased each other, throwing snowballs with all of their might in sorts of make-shift battles.

Nesta’s foolish heart warmed at the scene. Had she been in her right mind, she would have turned back as she usually did from crowds. But tonight was different, tonight it was almost as if there was a soft golden glow around the edges of her vision, making everything seem beautiful and soft.

She pushed forward, staying at the edge of the busy street, her stomach grumbling at the scents coming from the food stalls. She watched as a tall male turned from one of the stalls, half of his long dark hair tied in a makeshift bun.

Nesta froze as her heart dropped into her stomach. It couldn’t be. What were the chances he’d be in this part of the Velaris?

She should run. She would say something stupid to him, she knew she would. Something recklessly idiotic. But as her heart beat faster, it was not from fear but from hope. Had he come to see her? Desire surged in Nesta’s chest, but her thoughts halted as the male fully turned.

It wasn’t him.

Stupid. The male wasn’t even Illyrian, he had no wings. She was losing her mind this evening.

Nesta didn’t often come to the busier parts of the city, instead opting to stay in her secluded area of Velaris where she wouldn’t happen to run into any of her sister’s chosen family. But on the rare occasions she did, she couldn’t help but wonder if Cassian would be wandering the streets as well. Both fearful and hopeful while imagining their eyes meeting while sitting in a cafe by the Sidra, or finding him drinking in the tavern next to hers.

If they did cross paths, would he reach out for her, or would he simply pass by? Nesta’s traitorous fingers twitched as she pictured it. Knew how her hands would unconsciously trail after him, how she would inhale his lingering scent to memorize it, even if he paid her no mind.

Her mind was running wild now that she had opened the floodgates. Fantasies of lives she could never have, dreams she would not share aloud even if someone tried to torture them out of her. Marriage ceremonies, children’s names, what their home would look like, and where they would live. Nesta would at first insist on living separately, the thought of living unmarried with a partner a bit scandalous still. But Cassian would sleep over so often, she would eventually acquiesce and he’d move in with her. They would have dinner together every evening when he was not away, Cassian cooking his favorite Illyrian meals for her. She would sleep on the left side of the bed, and him on the right, closer to the door. On hard nights, he would hold her extra close and run his fingers through her hair, soothing her with soft Illyrian melodies. For once her home, their home, would be warm and safe.

Again it was as though she could feel it now, how her ear would press into his chest and hear the steady beat of his heart, lulling her to sleep. Her eyes closed.

A boisterous male laugh sounded out from nearby, warm and mirthful. Nesta’s eyes flew back open as she jerked towards the source.

It wasn’t his laugh, but Mother did she want it to be. She closed her fists and took a breath, frustrated and entranced by all thoughts of him.

Home. She needed to go home.

Nesta’s steps finally took her back towards the quieter residential side streets of Velaris, her pathway illuminated by the soft glow from the windows lining the homes. She focused her eyes forward, deliberately looking towards the cobblestone at her feet. Cassian was likely in Illyria, as he usually was, training Rhysand’s armies or whatever he did up in those mountains. She had at least had enough sense not to glance towards the peaks that loomed in the distance, a subtle ache nipping at her to think of him so far.

Instead she turned her gaze to one of the windows of the homes on the street, a rose-golden glow emanating from within. A table of friends, four males and three females gathered around a verifiable feast of a meal, laughing and chatting amongst themselves as they ate.

Nesta stood there entranced, trying to picture herself at that table, with a group of friends enjoying her company like that. Friends. What would it be like to have friends? She had a few in their village growing up, most abandoning her when her mother passed and father fell into debt. The roaring in her head started, threatening the blissful barrier the alcohol had provided.

Would she ever feel at ease with a group of fae like that?

One of the males looked up and met her gaze, and for a moment she swore hazel eyes pierced hers. Her breath caught, as she fumbled back towards the street, walking once again, embarrassed to have been caught spying.

It wasn’t him, Nesta assured herself. But she couldn’t get the image out of her head, of him in one of these houses, seated at a dinner table. It was ridiculous. She wasn’t even sure if Cassian had friends in Velaris outside of the Inner Circle. But the idea had sunk its claws into her mind, a desperate, pathetic hope. Every building she passed, Nesta’s eyes flitted to the window, hoping to catch a glimpse of who was inside. She had to know if he was there. She couldn’t live with herself if she didn’t know.

From that point on, each home she passed was like a scene laid out before her, inviting her to insert herself into the lives of the fae within. Countless lifetimes and possibilities transfixed her, as she continued to watch. It was no longer strangers she was gazing at, but her and Cassian. They were in their living room, dancing with their two children, Cassian picking her up and spinning her while their girls shrieked with delight. They were snuggled up on a sofa together, in front of a roaring fire, Nesta closing her eyes and leaning onto his shoulder. Not a single flinch crossing her face. They were cooking together, Cassian stirring and adding spices to a pot on the stove, while Nesta chopped up something on the counter. Her turning to put what she had been chopping into the pot and pressing a kiss to Cassian’s cheek, who turned to beam at her. They were seated on the floor of their living room together, her handing a beautifully wrapped box to Cassian, who proceeded to open it.

Back on the street, Nesta reeled back as though she’d been struck. A horrid thought clanged through her.

What day was it?

She remembered she had gone to the tavern earlier to listen to some music and have a few drinks before going somewhere.

To Feyre’s, she realized.

Feyre had asked her to come to the townhouse this evening because it was…solstice. The tavern had closed early and there was the street fair because it was solstice. She had gotten drunk in order to prepare herself to face Feyre and her family at solstice.

Suddenly the festive lights and music ringing through the streets came into a sharp clarity, overwhelming her fae senses.

Panic clawed at her throat, she could not go. She was not ready to face Feyre on her birthday, or Elain. Or Cassian. He would be there, her heart swelled, pulling her feet forward. On this day, she knew where he would be, who he would be with, she just needed to see him. Maybe this could be her one solstice present to herself, she reasoned, to prove that Cassian was not just a being made of whispered fantasies and alcohol-infused delusion. She would just take one look, and then she could go back to her apartment. It was madness, she knew it was, but the sharp sting of reality had not yet taken hold this night.

Her pace began to quicken, every step faster than the next before she realized she had no idea which direction to turn, thoroughly lost in the maze of the city and her mind in the dark hour. She spun around, almost losing her balance in the slick snow, completely at a loss. The ache in her chest had now turned into a sharp stab of hurt, only to be soothed by the sight of the dark-haired general.

She should turn back, she thought, towards the bustling avenue to start her search there, maybe she would even ask someone for directions. The idea of doing so would usually sour her stomach, but something stronger than fear was driving her tonight.

She began to walk purposefully, taking only a few steps before her feet skidded to a halt.

As though it had been dropped from the sky, the massive townhouse loomed before her. Bright festive lights twinkled among the bushes that lined the windows, taunting her as they danced, inviting her to step closer.

Her traitorous feet had been leading her this way the whole time, unbeknownst to her. Nesta bit her lip, did she dare to risk facing her sister’s family tonight? There was a split moment of hesitation before she moved past the front gate. It would only be a brief glance, as soon as she saw those hazel eyes and dark waves she would leave. It would only take a moment.

Nesta didn’t bother going towards the door, electing instead to creep along the outside of the home. What room would they be in at this hour? She made her way towards the right set of windows she remembered as part of the living room. She could only pray the Shadowsinger and her sister’s mate were inebriated enough to not be on their guard tonight while she spied.

Her heart pounded erratically in her chest as she drew closer, a rainbow glow of holiday lights from within grazed her face as she peered up. She had guessed correctly, the inner circle was gathered around the fire, wrapping paper strewn all over the plush carpet. They must have just finished opening presents. Her breath caught in her throat as she looked at her sisters, so at ease in their new lives, openly smiling as they engaged in conversation. Good, she thought, though a hint of bitterness flooded her tongue, it was good that they were happier without her. But her sisters were not who she needed to see this night. Her gaze turned frantic around the room, trying desperately to alight on the male who haunted most of her waking and sleeping thoughts. Her gaze made no purchase. He was not there.

Was he in Illyria after all? She wasn’t sure she could bear that after all the torment this evening. So she waited, watching her sister’s chosen family enjoy their holiday, as they laughed and shared stories with bright eyes, drinking deeply from their cups. It was not too far off from what she would be doing inside the house anyway, watching the inner circle play their little games while she kept to the outskirts. She was growing restless waiting for him, the urge to barge inside and ask where he was, growing by the minute. But at long last she was rewarded.

Cassian stepped, or stumbled rather, into the room with a grin plastered across his face. His dark hair was mussed, likely having fallen out of his bun hours ago, and two bottles of wine clutched in his hands. The room let out a cheer at his entrance, and Cassian handed off one of the bottles to the Morrigan. Azriel made to reach for the other one, but Cassian waved him off, uncorking the bottle with his teeth before drinking straight from it. She could have sworn she saw a look of concern pass between the Shadowsinger and her sister as they watched him, but Nesta was not interested in them. Her gaze fixed upon the male seated towards the end of the long couch, his hand gripping the wine bottle like a lifeline.

She had said she would take one look, but she was a liar. She could not move even if she tried, her eyes greedily drinking in the male she looked for in every window and every sky. Her focus snagged on his lips, remembering the soft touch of them against her own on the battlefield. How often did she feel that phantom press in the late hours of the night. He was dressed in a dark red sweater this night, one that clung to the contours of his large frame, as if to torment her. Nesta could not help but imagine trailing her fingers over the material, what it would feel like, what the skin beneath that sweater would feel like.

Cassian let out a booming laugh at something that was said, loud enough for her to hear through the window, and never did she wish so much to have a device to bottle sound. But the smile that remained did not quite meet his eyes, which were intermittently flickering towards the door.

The Night Court’s general was drunk, that much was clear, but something was troubling him despite the merriment he tried plastering across his face. The Shadowsinger clapped a hand onto Cassian’s shoulder, in what seemed to be a comforting gesture.

So badly did she want to be the one comforting him, and yet hadn’t she been the cause of most of his misery when she was around? A sober realization made its way to the forefront of her mind; all she could do was cause him pain . Those beautiful dreams of their life together could only ever be dreams. The reality was that everything she touched had crumbled and turned to ash, but she would be damned if Cassian did as well. She needed to leave, go back to her apartment and try and forget this whole night had ever happened, for both of their sakes. Preferably with the assistance of alcohol. Nesta’s foot stepped back from the window, yet couldn’t stop herself from one last glance at the male inside.

Hazel eyes met hers from across the room. Shit. Cassian’s eyes blinked slowly before widening. There was the sound of glass shattering, as the wine bottle left his hand and dropped onto the floor. Shouts of alarm rose up from the rest of the inner circle, as they jumped up to help clean up the mess. Cassian’s form quickly disappeared out of the room, his hand bracing against the door frame as he pushed around it. She needed to leave, now.

She scrambled backwards, towards the gate, snow hitting her shoulder from the tops of the bushes as she darted by. She rounded the outside gate and stopped out of breath, hidden by the tall bushes that separated the townhouse from the street. There was the sound of the front door being wrenched open and frantic footsteps down the entry stairs. She didn’t dare to breathe as the footsteps crunched closer, hoping they obscured her own.

“Nesta?” Cassian’s voice was soft, almost hopeful. She had expected him to yell out in his drunken state, alerting the whole inner circle of her presence, but he hadn’t. The quiet sound of her name from his lips was a different kind of bliss altogether, pulling at something deep within her core. Her lips parted, desperately wanting to tell him she was there, that she was ready to try together this time, but no sound came out.

A second pair of footsteps followed from the front door.

“Cass? What is it?” Feyre’s concerned voice floated through the entryway. Nesta bit her cheek, to keep from making a sound. The only thing worse than Cassian finding her out here would be Feyre and Cassian finding her together. She didn’t think she could survive the look of pity she knew would cross Feyre’s face if she discovered her out here.

“I saw her,” His words slurred slightly from the alcohol, but were determined nonetheless. “I saw her at the window.” Feyre did not ask who it was he had seen, seemingly understanding, but she waited a moment before softly saying,

“I miss her too, Cassian.”

A weight had dropped into Nesta’s stomach, she could not bear to hear this conversation.

“She was at the window,” Cassian insisted, “She was here, I need to…” he trailed off. Nesta’s ears strained for the end of his thought, but nothing came. Perhaps he did not know how to approach her either, also frozen by the neverending stalemate the two of them found themselves in. Feyre inhaled a slow breath, as though she were about to explain something difficult to a small child.

“Sometimes it can seem like we see things that aren’t actually there. Things that we want to believe are there, but they aren’t,” she said gently. Another moment of silence followed. Feyre tried again.

“Why don’t we go inside? I think Rhysand and Amren were going to pull out the chessboard.”

No reply came from Cassian. Had they gone back inside? Nesta didn’t hear the door slam shut, but her heart was beating so loud she easily could have missed it.

“I think I’m going to stay out here,” His voice quietly sounded once more.

“Cassian–”

“Just for a bit,” He amended. Nesta could hear the smile he forced onto his face, “Go, enjoy your birthday, Feyre.” She must have listened, as after a moment Nesta heard the soft snick of the front door closing. It was agony being so few steps from him now they were alone, even if he did not know it. But she wouldn’t risk him, not again. So Nesta quietly made her way from her hiding spot back onto the main road, and for once she did not glance back.

The holiday lights in the street now looked garish against the soft white snow frosting the streets. Golden glows that had once emanated from the windows, now dulled to a pale yellow. The wind blew fierce as flurries turned blizzardous, but Nesta did not bother to close her coat against the chill. Already she could feel the press of a hangover against her forehead, the walk having sobered her from the peak of her drunkenness. With it, the starkness of her reality began to return, as though she had never left.

But as she turned the corner to her apartment, she allowed herself one final solstice present. She let her mind drift to a world in which she had run from her hiding spot that evening and into Cassian’s arms. He would lift her up off the ground, and they would stay there intertwined, swaying with unspoken apologies to one another. She would bury her face in his neck, inhaling his pine and woodfire scent, and it would smell like home. Her home.

One last time Nesta closed her eyes, inhaling deeply as though she would smell it now.

But only the cold rushed in.

#nessian #nessianweek2024 #nesta archeron #cassian acotar #nesta x cassian #Day 2: Yearning

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fuckyesnessian · 6 months ago

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Creator Highlight #10 - @whyisaravenlike-awritingdesk

Today we'd like to highlight @whyisaravenlike-awritingdesk! With one of the most gorgeous nessian fics in the fandom, it feels wild it took us this long to get to her. Every fic is a masterpiece, though we have our favorites (see them below!).

@whyisaravenlike-awritingdesk's talent is taking the bones of what canon gave us and turning it into something beautiful. Nesta and Cassian never feel more real, more alive, than when they're beneath her fingers.

Check out some of our favorites below, or check out their masterlist HERE:

Begged and Borrowed Time:

To save her sisters from starvation, Nesta married Tomas before Feyre went over the wall. When Feyre returns to ask her sisters for help getting the second half of the Book of Breathings, Nesta is dragged into the conflict above the wall, and brought into contact with a certain Night Court General, who she can't help but be annoyed by and drawn to in equal measure. Stuck in a loveless marriage that no longer serves a purpose, Nesta meets Cassian at entirely the wrong time-- but that isn't enough to stop either of them.

Semper Eadem:

It’s 1575, and Nesta Archeron, lady-in-waiting and favourite of Queen Elizabeth I is trying incredibly hard to forget about the bastard nobleman who, eight months ago, stole her heart before leaving to be a privateer. Now, at the Kenilworth pageant thrown in the queen’s honour, Cassian is back and trying to win Nesta round all over again— but there’s no way she’s going to let him off easy.

Promise:

This began as a one-shot fixing the scene in ACOFAS that made my blood boil: the scene where Cassian walks Nesta home. Here, Cassian realises how much she's hurting and actually does something about it. This will be a three or four part bridge between ACOFAS and ACOSF. Pretty much no plot except fluff and eventual Valkyrie antics, because I would die for Nesta, Gwyn and Emerie.

Want to nominate someone? Fill out the form HERE

#nessian #pro nessian #creator highlight

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xxvalkyriesxx · 3 months ago

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Flying Changes - Chapter Four

A Nessian Equestrian Fic

Masterlist // Previous Part // Next Part

Read on AO3 or below!

Horses

CW: Mentions of alcohol abuse and drunk driving, mentions of family members being hurt bc of addiction. Cassian is indeed an ass in this one. So is Mor.

“Look, Nesta. You got yourself into this. You’re the one who drove drunk to the cemetery last month where you knew your sisters would be there. It’s almost as if you wanted to be caught, falling into a trap they didn’t even set.” He shook his head, looking out the nearby window.

“You’re lucky you didn’t kill someone.” Eris huffed as he ran a hand through his hair.

“I know I might be asking for a lot. But I can’t stand it here, Eris.” Nesta said, crossing her arms.

“You’re asking for something that I can’t do. The judge will not lighten your sentence. In fact she may double down. Or better yet throw you in jail.”

“Maybe it would be better.” Nesta mumbled.

Eris rolled his eyes. “My hands are tied. You put yourself behind that wheel. There's no excuse for that in this world.”

Nesta remained silent, her foot tapping against the table’s leg. The probation officer leaned back in the opposing chair staring.

“Sorry chick-a-dee. You should have known better.”

Her eyes raised until she met his gaze. Glaring from her silver blues to his browns. A smirk rolled with his lips. He leaned down, closer to Nesta. “Careful, pup .”

Eris shot a glare at the officer. “Watch your tone, Bellius. That’s my client you’re speaking to.”

Bellius lifted his hands up in mock surrendering. “Sorry, Eris. Bitch got my tongue and all.”

Nesta snarled shooting up from her chair, but Eris caught her wrists before she could do anything.

He leant down to her ear. “If you want a punishment worse than what you have now, by all means, continue.”

Feeling Bellius’ stare, Nesta yanked her wrist from Eris’ grasp.

“I’m done for today.”

Nesta marched out of the tackroom in a silvery blaze.

Bits of the citrus peel came under Nesta’s nails as she finished peeling the clementine. Eating one at a time, Nesta took out her phone, shuffling a playlist to listen to. Her head bobbed to “Stone Mother” by Joise & Laurel. The folky country music played in her earbuds where cellos and violins made art with their bows. Drums in the back and piano as the melody she sang along softly to the music. The sound helped soften her thoughts from earlier with Eris and Bellius. It was something she didn’t want to think about; how she ended up here.

Looking up, Nesta watched the horses from the therapy barn graze. By now she was learning who was who despite not working with them. The two terrasen cove horses were Sundrop and Starlight.They trotted around the area, playfully annoying one another. At first glance it wasn’t easy to tell who was who, but if she looked closely, Starlight’s forelock was a brownish color compared to the rest of his mane that was whitish blond like Sundrop’s.

Grazing near the pasture fence was the nidaros draught named Betty. Cassian mentioned he wanted to call her Betty Brown Eyes but everyone vetoed the name. The horse looked up, watching Neta. She could maybe see where Cassian was coming from, however she would not ignite that man’s ego.

The sun was setting in the late August sky as Nesta’s gaze traveled from horse to horse. It was so natural looking at them, studying their markings and their behaviors that she didn’t notice that different music was playing.

Until she heard the soft violins play the instrumental version of a song about a summer’s cruelty. Her eyes widened at the sounds as she remembered it all; riding Flame in the Grand Prix freestyle in her first Olympics at sixteen. Flame performed the piaffe gorgeously, his body in elegant trot. But what stole the show and earned them the bronze medal were the smooth transitions of the flying changes in his canter strides.

Naturally Nesta’s posture changed from muscle memory. Back straightened, eyes forward, hands steady. Her attention was solely on the music so her gaze unfocused from the world around her. Colors of the sky and grass and horses blended together. Her face stayed neutral as if she was still performing.

Then the music stopped as the wire to her earbuds were yanked. Startled, Nesta scrambled to stand, meeting blonde hair and glaring brown eyes. She stood up fully, tucking her phone back in her pocket, the clementine on the ground.

“Can I help you?” Nesta asked.

“You can help the ranch. Breaktime is over.” The woman said.

Nesta recognized the designer logos on the woman’s outfit and accessories. Who the fuck brought Barbie Karen out here?

“Excuse me, but you don’t order me around.”

“I do when my cousin owns this ranch. I do when my best friend has had to suffer from not just alcoholic parents, but a sister too.”

Guilt slid right to her heart at the mention of her family. Shifting left, Nesta stared at the woman in front of her. She looked oddly familiar, remembering her on Feyre’s instagram. Ranging from posts featuring the City of Starlight to late night stories. Her stomach twirled with slight envy whenever they appeared on her feed. She raised an eyebrow at the woman as she tried to recall her name.

Michelle? Monica?

Nesta glared. “I don’t know why you’re being such a busybody? And in any case, I follow Cassian’s orders.”

The woman glared right back. “Cass and Az went to the tack shop a few towns over to buy more feed or whatever.” She glanced down at her manicured nails before continuing. “It doesn't matter. Cass put me in charge of you. As a reminder, you were sent here to work. Not to look at ponies all day.”

The guilt dried out as anger brewed over it, swelling in Nesta’s stomach and mind. Her hands curled into fists. As emotions rose, so did the familiar wanting waves of liquor Nesta knew she should ignore.

“Fuck off.” Nesta snapped, her tone bitter to the bite.

The woman stood unphased. “Cassian mentioned you would be stubborn as Rhys’ mule. Get back to work, Nesta.”

Nesta moved back so she was leaning against the nearby tree. “I think I’m quite content to stay right here actually. And clearly you know me, but I don’t know you. Although you seem oddly familiar.” The desire to drink grew with every word she spat.

“I remember my sister hanging out with an alt-righteous bitch. Megan was it?” She spoke without missing a beat.

“It’s Morrigan.” The blonde snarled. “And last time I checked, the alt-righteous bitch was the one who almost killed her own sister by driving drunk.”

Time swirled as Nesta was no longer standing near Morrigan on that damn ranch. No, she was behind the wheel of her car, familiar blue eyes looking at her in fear, wincing for the impact to happen. The guilt rose and overlaid her entire soul as engine smoke blew into her lungs.

Cold deadly rage bolted Nesta from the tree, her body barely inches from Morrigan.

“You know nothing about that day.”

“I know enough.”

The rage grew sorrowful in its course through Nesta’s heart. Her desire to defend herself lay defeated in between them. Nesta silently walked past Morrigan, bumping her shoulder with the blonde’s.

“Where do you think you’re going?” Morrigan called out.

Nesta stopped, looking over her shoulder. “I can’t stand you if I’m sober.”

She walked away, every step in wrath and grief. As Nesta came near the house, spotting a bay mare trotting around uneasily. Her body language came off as scared almost. Don’t I know the feeling?

Turning her head, Nesta continued walking down the dirt driveway making it all the way to the mailbox before turning on the two way road, heading to the right. Her phone was her only companion whose battery life ran dangerously low as the sky only grew darker.

Nesta was unsure how long she was walking for as she made her way down the road. The urge to drink was clutching her throat, needing the taste of smooth cold vodka. Her nails scratched her left arm, trying to suppress the urges that she fed willingly for the last several years. Body aches and a pounding headache merged not long after, her symptoms starting to come back in high tide.

Fuck that bitch. Fuck Morrigan. She doesn’t know anything. None of them do! Nesta thought to herself as her mind stayed focused on all of these thoughts. Her guilt had drained entirely but only to be replaced with anger. It was like this for years, no one knowing the truth, and Nesta knew she shouldn’t be surprised, but it bothered her. It bothered her to her bones, as they carried her trauma.

A car going the opposite direction came over a hill, its headlights blinding Nesta for a moment where she walked on the narrow shoulder. Large fields were all that she could make out as she stopped walking. A slow dread curled into the pit of her stomach. Where the hell was she?

She peered up to the sky, the once oranges and pinks and purples were now the shades of blackish blues. The sky was littered with stars, however their names she never could recall. Feyre was always good at remembering the constellations, their names and where they were in the sky.

The thought of her baby sister made the pit grow bigger, anchoring her to the stop. She squeezed her eyes shut, not wanting to think of Feyre. Reaching into her pocket, Nesta drew out her phone that’s battery was at five percent. Panic strode deep within her, hands shaking. Quickly Nesta unlocked her cracked screen, moving on autopilot as she found the last number she called that was several weeks ago. The phone dialed, her anxiety growing.

I shouldn’t have called. She’s busy. She has her life. She doesn’t need me. But I–

“Hello?” A voice Nesta recognized far too well spoke on the other line.

Nesta struggled to speak, but her anxiety pushed through with a tail flare of courage. “Ellie?”

An old nickname for her first younger sister. Growing up they called each other Nessie and Ellie, a duo that survived their mother’s laws and father’s absences. The other day she didn’t want to think of her, but now she clung to her sister’s voice in this endless sea of darkness.

“Are you drunk?” Elain accused.

Startled by the accusation, Nesta’s pitch shot high. “W-what? No. Listen it’s a long story, but I walked off the ranch and my phone is dying-”

“What!? Where are you, Nesta? What are you even thinking? Are you asking to join our parents now?”

Hurt slammed into Nesta like the wind was knocked out of her. But she pushed it down, all the way to the rage she grew familiar with living with. The rage everyone saw.

“Fuck you, Elain. I was just trying to talk to you.”

“Well excuse me for not knowing the difference. I don’t think I’ve spoken to you sober in almost two years, Nesta.” She sighed before continuing. “And the last several times you called, all you did was apologize to me while drunk.”

“You got yourself into this mess, Nesta. Figure out how to get back on your own.”

Her words ironically mirrored Nesta's conversation with Eris. Before she could hiss or cry out, the line went dead. Nesta pulled her phone away from her ear, the black screen filling the void. Numbly, Nesta walked, her anxiety and hurt and rage clung to the ground making her steps heavy as she pushed forward.

Her eyes stung with tears as Nesta continued walking. She sniffed, hoping to bottle these feelings away. She hated crying. Hated looking weak. Hated how she could be taken advantage of with tears. As sadness brewed into a simmering rage, she suddenly stopped. Lights of a nearby store shined, an open sign flashing in the corner of the window. Then it hit her.

“I also live down the road from the House of Wind. I run the general store down the way. If you make a right out of the ranch and keep going down, you’ll find my place eventually.”

Before Nesta knew it, she was running. Her lungs heaved at the sudden exercise as Nesta pushed open the door, almost falling face first into the wooden floor. Trying to regain her breath, Nesta gazed around the shop area. There was a counter filled with crops probably from local farmers. Nearby was an entire shelf dedicated to the local honey, ranging from honey in a bottle to honeycombs. On the other side was local pet food and toys. There were a few spots that held snacks and drinks for customers.

As Nesta approached the cashier counter, news clippings of barrel races that were so old the paper was an ugly hue of a brownish yellow. There were actual photos along with magazine cut outs. Then in an old wooden frame behind the counter was a photo of a woman who looked like Emerie. Her smile was big as she stood next to a bay colored horse. The horse wore western tack as it seemed genuinely content with the woman.

“We’re about to close, so make it fast–Nesta?” A voice came out from a nearby backroom. Her new friend stood with her hair in a braid like the other day. Emerie lifted the hatched to cut through to the store area.

“What are you doing here? I thought you said that you were…what’s wrong?”

Nesta shook her head, but felt the sting of water in her eyes threatening to fall. She rubbed her eyes roughly, pushing the tears away. She took a breath, then another one. Her hand still over her eyes as she spoke.

“I..I got lost.” She sheepishly shrugged. “Didn’t want to be alone.” She mumbled the last part.

There was weight on her free hand. Pulling the hand away from her face, Nesta cast her gaze downwards. Emerie’s hand laid on top of her’s.

“These roads can get pretty scary at night if you’re not familiar.” Emerie said, before pulling her hand away, ushering Nesta to the backroom. With a little encouragement, Nesta stepped forward going. Most of the room was taken up by shelves, back-stock items. At the end of the room was a desk with a computer and a phone.

“Make yourself at home.” Emerie pointed to a chair as she walked to the desk.

Nesta sat comfortably in the cozy armchair. It was worn down by the years with scratch marks and stains, but the golden velvet stood out like a sore thumb. It was the brightest item in the room, possibly on the store level. Nesta raised an eyebrow at the chair.

Emerie grinned at her expression. “I live upstairs, but sometimes I like to read down here when the shop is closed. My dad’s family has had this shop for decades. My mom helped with this store ‘til the day she died.”

Her brows furrowed, lost in a memory. A moment passed before Emerie spoke again. “He wasn’t a good father or husband, but that chair was the one thing he allowed my mom to have.” Emerie shrugged. “Having the chair here is like having her down here too.”

Glancing down at the chair, Nesta’s fingers traced the left armrest. Her gaze returned to Emerie as her new friend stared at her own tattoo on her arm. Emerie traced the words inked into her skin.

“It was something she said to me every day, even on the day she died. ‘I love you Emerie, more than the mountains, the moon, and Mars .’” Emerie’s voice cracked slightly when she finished the quote.

“I’m sorry about your mom.” Nesta’s mother appeared in her mind. Her stare mirrored Nesta's eyes, watching with unrestrained coldness. Rubbing her arms, Nesta tried to draw warmth from the friction of her hands.

“Thank you. Also I’m sorry, I tend to leave the AC blasting down here all of the time.” Emerie apologized as she tossed a blanket from a nearby basket.

Nesta caught the thow, noticing all of the different horses scattered around. A similar one flashed from a childhood memory. Quietly, she breathed looking back up.

“Is your dad still around?”

Emerie laughed, although there was little evidence of humor. “No. He died two years ago. Had a heart attack while running the store…When I found him.” Emerie tapped her fingers against the desk, shifting. “It was like a weight had been lifted.”

Nesta moved so she sat cross-legged underneath the blanket, mindful to slip off her boots beforehand. “I felt similar when my mother died. I was already traveling to shows by then, but when my dad called me to tell the news, I felt…I felt clear, if you ever felt that before.”

Emerie nodded. “I have.”

Standing up, Emerie opened the mini fridge near her desk. She pulled out two glass bottles that resembled beer. Nesta voiced concerns, but stopped short when Emerie handed one to her, a colorful label she’s never seen before.

Cola Cold - originally made Smite Hill.

“Smite Hill?” Nesta puzzled, staring at the logo.

“It’s a small town south of here. They’re not friendly, as you could guess by the name, but they make all sorts of craft sodas and strangely enough neat rabbit statues.”

Emerie took a sip. “Their cola is far by the best in the world. And it’s a twist cap, so don’t even worry about asking for a bottle opener.”

Nesta hummed, twisting the cap off.

The first sip hit her with something fizzy, sweet, tangy, and maybe even citrusy.

A small smile appeared as she took another sip.

“See? It’s good.”

“It’s fine.”

“Liar!” Emerie grinned.

The two smiled at one another, clanking their bottles together.

After a moment, Emerie asked. “You wanna tell me how you got here?”

Nesta took a sip of the soda. “Not really, I don’t wanna talk about me right now.”

Emerie didn’t push, taking the hint. Settling into her desk chair, she reached for a book near the computer when Nesta gasped.

“Is that The Seven Lords and Me ?”

“You know Sellyn Drake?” Emerie’s eyes sparkled with a devilish delight.

“I’ve only read that one from her. What else do you recommend?”

“Oh Nesta Archeon, you have no idea of the pandora box you just opened.”

As the truck turned off, Cassian had an uneasy feeling nestled inside him. Everything was fine up until Azriel and him were on their way back from the store for horse feed and other necessities for the barns. He spotted Mor’s convertible in the lot in front of the house. Grabbing the bags from the tailgate, Cassian began walking to the therapy barn first. He winced slightly with the added weight on his shoulder.

But as he walked, Cassian didn’t see the braided golden brown hair he’s grown familiar with over the last two weeks.The newest horse over in the corral was moving uneasily. She kept trotting and cantering, changing her gaits.

Where was Nesta?

“Cass?” A feminine voice called out.

Cassian turned to see Mor coming out of the house.

“Hi Mor. What’s up? Have you seen Nesta?”

Mor picked at her nails. “You didn’t see her on your way home?”

“On the way home?” Cassian shook his head. “What the fuck happened, Mor?”

“I asked her to finish her break and return to work. It’s what she’s here to do after all. We got into a little spat, and then…” The words trailed off as her hands struggled to empathize.

“Then what, Morrigan?”

It was rare for Mor’s full name to be used within the family. It was even rarer from Cassian.

Mor disappointedly shook her head, caught off guard by the use of her full name. “I don’t know…She said something like going to drink or something. Then she just walked off the ranch.”

The world froze as Cassian’s mind went over everything that Mor just said to him.

“And you…You, you didn’t stop her?”

“I didn’t think she was serious and then 15 minutes went by, and…I’m not sure where she went...”

Panic rustled in his chest. “Alright, and you saw her walk out the ranch, not anywhere else?” He shifted, handing Mor the feed. “And here, put this food in the barn. Just leave them inside the feed room. I’ll get to it later.”

Mor grunted, the heaviness catching her slightly off balance. “Where are you going?”

“To find Nesta. Unless you want to call Feyre on how you lost her sister.”

His friend quickly turned around, heading to the barn.

His foot tapped, thinking.

Nesta couldn’t have gone far…Downtown is about a twenty minute walk from here. It’s the closest place to buy a drink..

Cassian pulled out his phone, calling her. It went straight to voicemail.

“Shit.” He dialed a second time, but was left with the voicemail again. He sighed as he stayed on the line.

“Hey Sweetheart, I don’t know where you are, but you need to get your butt back over here at the ranch…I’ll see you soon.”

His hand pulled at the ponytail from the half-up half-down look. Biting his lip, Cassian raced through his options. He could call the cops, but that could make everything worse for Nesta. And after her AA meeting earlier in the week, she seemed to be doing a little better. Was this all for nothing? His other hand hovered over Rhys’ name in his contacts.

Fear brewed as Cassian recalled that he had faced this before, losing someone out in the field during a battle. But what started as a rescue assignment turned into a recovery mission. The fallen soldier was eventually found far out west of the base. The state of his body…Cassian shook his head, not wanting to relive it again.

I’m not there anymore. He took a deep breath before running up to the house. As he ran, Azriel came flying out of the door.

“Emerie just called.” Azriel said, sounding a little breathless.

“Emerie as in Rip’s daughter, Emerie?” Cassian questioned.

“The only Emerie we both know who has the ranch’s number. Nesta’s with her.”

Cassian blinked, the shocked settling in. “She knew how to get there?”

Azriel shrugged. “Maybe Emerie mentioned it at AA. But we can discuss that later.”

The brothers hopped into the truck before taking off down the road.

The door to the truck flew open as Cassian jumped out. Standing on the store’s porch was Nesta. Behind her stood Emerie.

“Where the fuck have you been?” Cassian shouted. Frustration and worried mixed, but it was only anger that dripped from his words. His gaze titled down, finding two glass bottles on the ground.

Cassian’s body shook, unable to hide his wrath. “You were drinking?!”

Nesta looked down, not saying anything. Her arms crossed over her chest.

“Nesta, get in the truck.” Azriel called out, climbing out the driver seat. His black stetson hat blended with the night sky.

Nesta didn’t look back as she got in through the passenger door side, sliding to the middle. Cassian began to sneer when Azriel approached him.

Emerie glared at Cassian. “She was with me the entire time, Valyrian. She hasn’t had one sip. You know this is a dry store.”

Azriel nodded, picking up one of the bottles. “We would’ve smelled the alcohol on her. This is pop. She isn’t drunk, Cass.” His tone was almost a warning to his brother.

Cassian wrestled trying to find the right words. His ears shaded pink in embarrassment. “I’m sorry, Emerie.” He stood as the regret of his words sunk deep. “Thank you for looking out for her.” He spoke gently to Emerie. “I’m sorry that I yelled and accused her of drinking.”

Emerie rolled her eyes. “I don’t care that you yelled, I care that you accused my friend. And more importantly you should be apologizing to her. Not the other way around, General .” Cassian’s old nickname from high school rolled off her tongue like it was nothing.

Cassian mumbled, agreeing with Emerie before he and Azriel got back into the truck.

The truck ride home was the most silent 2 minute car drive Cassian had ever been on. Not soon enough they pulled up onto the long driveway. Cassian didn’t spot the red car in the lot anymore. Mor must have left then. Probably for the best..

The three left the truck. Nesta stormed away, heading to the house. Cassian started to follow, reaching for her hand, but Azriel stepped in front of him, blocking his path. At this angle he could see the slight differences in their height.

“Leave her alone tonight. It’s been a long day for everyone. Talk to her in the morning.”

Cassian sighed, his anxiety spiking.

“Let’s take care of the horses for now. It’ll distract you.” Azriel moved past him, but soon turned around.

“You may also want to take your lessons and learn from them. Whatever you said about the damn horse in the corral, apply it to Nesta. She’s not broken, but no one becomes an alcoholic for shits and giggles. You of all people should know that.”

Cassian grimaced, the toll of his emotions from the evening wearing him down like rocks under water. He felt his brother’s hand on his good shoulder.

“Let her come to you, Cass. When she’s ready.”

“When did you become the smart one?” Cassian questioned, cocking his head to the side.

His brother let go of his shoulder, heading towards the barns.

As Azriel walked he called out. “I have two very idiotic brothers. Someone has to be the smart one out of the three of us.”

Cassian agonized replaying the moments with Nesta in his mind. The emotion was so much, the dull familiar pain in his shoulder ached. He groaned, massaging his bad shoulder. The chronic aching had returned like clockwork.

Glancing up the meadow of stars above him, a soft voice called out from his memory. The voice felt almost like it was from a different lifetime, combing through the ridges of his childhood.

“Today was bad, Cassian. But that means tomorrow can be better.”

Cassian turned, his gaze settling onto the mare in the corral. She wasn’t pacing as much, but she refused to stand still. Her big brown eyes watched him, as if something or someone was communicating with him.

“And if the next day is bad, you don’t give in. Keep reaching for tomorrow.”

Tag List (let me know if you’d like to be added or removed): @chairofchaos @blueunoias @velarisdusk @c-e-d-dreamer @jsmelodies @inkedinshadows @wolfnesta @lilah-asteria @highqueenmorrigan @daughter-of-lethe

#Here it is folks!#I swear this will get happier #..eventually!!#acotar #nessian #nesta archeron #sjm #a court thorns and roses #cassian acotar #cassian #pro nessian #acotar fic #nessian au #nessian fic #nessian equestrian fic #nessian equestrian au #xxmyfic #i remembered the tag list finally :')#morrigan acotar

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shardminds · 8 months ago

Text

full moon, white honey

pairing: elain archeron x lucien vanserra. honourable mentions to feysand, nessian and one barely there hint at emerie/nesta. it's tasteful, i promise. rating: e (for eventually they get it on) wc: 11k primary tags: witcher!au, hurt/comfort, major character injury, non-chronological, ambiguous/open ending, sex on furniture - more detailed tags, see ao3! read on ao3

The worn parchment that had once held a recipe lay untouched in her quarters. She no longer needed it. Celandine, White Myrtle, Brain of a Drowner. Crush, Boil with Spirit, Bottle once cooled. Thirteen words seared into her bones. For the Witcher who too often showed her his.

a/n: happy birthday to me (well, i'm posting this early because i'm impatient, but the point still stands) i even made a little mood board/title card thing! this is all very exciting.

this fic is told entirely out of order (intentionally so. what is the intention? who knows. vibes, i guess.) and there's a detailed breakdown on ao3 on exactly what i pilfered from the witcher universe in order to write this so pls see there if you need a breakdown!

(very) small snip under the cut!

Fox cub at the foot of a golden throne, restless and wanting. Blood of the lion. And the lion was not a lion but a wolf; each paw print against the marble floor burst to flame. And the palace was burning, falling. And the cub stepped into the wolf’s jaws, bared its throat in submission, but there was no one to save him. Claws across flesh time and time again until all he had was red. And the fox was not a fox but a boy; atop Novigrad rooftops, launching from parapet to ridge at the first sunrise, the last sunrise. Bloodshot eye and black stained lips.

Swords and signs. Horseback to haybale. Tavern, village, city — but no home.

Blindfolded on a tightrope a hundred feet above the waking streets, nought but the swell of the wind and the call of birds, his audience. He slipped, and the ground rushed up to meet him.

“Vanserra is calling for you.”

“He does not know me. He calls for any woman with a pulse.”

“And yet he’s turned away all companions, refuted all offers of comfort, he barely rises above amicable chat with the others that dare approach him, but he calls for you.”

Elain huffed a fickle laugh at Maren’s observations. Of course she’d noted these things — probably weaned the information from any of the other healers, priestesses or patrons of the temple. The walls breathed secrets in The Mother’s temple, only half of them true. Elain saw the other half in her dreams.

“What are you saying, Maren? That he favours me? As if I don’t know. I see it and I ignore it, as you all should. It is no business but his own.” She hauled close the tome she’d been scouring — a translated elven text on elder blood in horticulture — keen to end this interrogation. Not the first and definitely not the last. The Witcher might not have made a habit of getting injured in Temeria intentionally, but when he did, he always ended up here. Halfway dead, but still very much alive.

“It makes him easy to care for. Each time I tend to his scratches, I learn a little more about just what his mutations have cost him and how little our healing aids him. His own concoctions knit his bones, quell his bleeding, but turn his blood to poison. I don’t know about you, Maren, but that terrifies me.”

It wasn’t just that which terrified her.

Maren held her tongue, probably for the first time in her life.

“A monster visits our temple and calls for me by name and you would give me to him thinking not of my wellbeing, but of the scandal it would cause if rumour spread that I was fucking him.”

“That is not—”

“I will take my leave,” Finality crisp in her words. “But not for your worry. I have enough celandine and white myrtle to craft his potions. I trust he will have the rest.”

Maren bobbed her head, a curt dismissal. To be honest, Elain was surprised she didn’t argue. The wine of her cheeks seemed to flush with an unchecked fury. But Elain was not one of her charges, not a priestess in the temple. She tended their gardens, helped in their kitchens, brewed their potions, but she’d been granted asylum above all else. The temple kept her from the clutches of ruthless kings, power starved elves, ambitious men. Any that would bind her powers for their own ill will.

A Seer. What a rare and wonderful thing.

What a cursed blessing.

And she was angry. Not at Maren, or the healers and priestesses, mothers and refugees that found home in their temple. She was angry at Lucien Vanserra. Because no matter the consequences, he always came back.

Her footfalls through the stone corridors, an omen

#acotar fic #elucien #pro elucien #elain archeron #lucien vanserra #ficminds #i do nawt know how to tag things so sorry about that

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autumnshighlady · 10 months ago

Text

This Is Me Trying

Cassian x Nesta

summary: It's been a few months since Nesta and Cassian have made things official, but things have only gotten worse for Nesta.

warnings: ANGST! slight inner circle slander, no happy ending, not super pro-Nessian

word count: 2.8k

a/n: this fic is based on 'This Is Me Trying' by Taylor Swift, also spot the Grey's Anatomy quote hehe. This fic is basically me working out my own relationship issues haha, so it was pretty emotional to write because I'm basically Nesta in this situation and it's rough. But I also truly think this is a more realistic version of Nessian than the one sjm tried to shove down out throats in ACOSF.

DO NOT REPOST ANYWHERE

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Nesta sighed as Cassian’s arm squeezed around her shoulders, squishing her farther into him than humanly possible. He belted out a laugh at whatever Mor had said, a deafening noise next to Nesta’s ear. His touch felt like acid on her skin, and all she wanted to do was get away from it.

Nesta had been trying her hardest to communicate her feelings with Cassian, she truly had. But it was hard – everything she said seemed to leave his brain the second he was around the Inner Circle, like they were now. Nesta was at one end of the couch with Cassian to her right, and Elain on Cassian’s left. Feyre was sitting on an armchair across from them with Nyx in her arms, in Rhys’s lap, while Mor and Amren were perched on cushions by the fireplace. Azriel was sitting a bit behind Rhys and Feyre on a stool, quietly observing the scene. A couple hours ago, Nesta had pulled Cassian aside and explained that she was having an overwhelming day, and requested he not touch her for the night. She couldn’t explain why she felt that way – she tried, and nothing came out. All she wanted was some physical space from Cassian’s presence. The male had sworn he understood, and said he would give her space.

That had lasted all of 20 minutes into the evening before he slung his arm over her shoulders and pulled her body into his. He had failed to notice how Nesta froze, rather than relaxing into his touch as usual. She knew it wasn’t malicious, that he wasn’t deliberately ignoring her request. He had just simply… forgot.

And this wasn’t the first time she felt suffocated and trapped by Cassian. Guilt plagued her, knowing he truly didn’t mean to do it, he was just trying to show his affection. For a while, Nesta thought that the Cauldron had mated them under the premise of opposites attract. Cassian was extroverted and wore his heart on his sleeve, easily making friends and jumping into any conversation or group. Nesta was an introvert, preferring to mask everything she felt, both good and bad. She did not have that confident ease about her, nor did she feel inclined to befriend everyone she met or chat their ear off. She was perfectly content to be more like Azriel, sitting and observing rather than participating.

But maybe there was such a thing as people being too opposite for it to work out.

Nesta had felt like she was drowning in the Cauldron all over again, slowly being backed into a corner and suffocating under Cassian’s constant presence and need for her attention. Now that they were officially together, he was everywhere. Cassian had lightened his duties in Illyria to spend more time with Nesta, which only made it worse. At first she had found it sweet, but as the weeks passed it became more irritating.

Cassian was supposed to love her. Surely, someone who loved her would be able to understand her enough to know that this wasn’t what she wanted? He was always trying to find different things to do with Nesta, and it was beginning to get overwhelming. It hurt her heart to see how enthusiastic he was, how badly he wanted to make her happy. She was disgusted with herself for not feeling the same, for wanting to fight and pull away.

Her youngest sister’s voice brought her attention back. “Do you have anything to add, Nesta?”

Nesta blinked, not having heard a word of what was said. “To what?”

Feyre sighed. “We were just talking about building another home for me, Rhys, and Nyx in the mountains, since you and Cassian basically live at the House of Wind now. What do you think?”

The room was tense, everyone frozen as they awaited Nesta’s reply. If she was in a better mood, she would have chuckled inwardly. No matter what she did, no matter how many times she proved herself to them, the Inner Circle would always see her as a rabid monster waiting for a chance to lash out. Perhaps if it were another day she’d entertain them, just to show that she hadn’t lost her bite. But she had no energy today. “Sounds like a great idea.” She said simply.

Everyone visibly relaxed, relieved that Nesta hadn’t made a snide comment about how many houses Feyre and Rhys had, even though she wanted to. Cassian patted her arm proudly, as if to say look how much more docile and well-mannered she is now, thanks to me. Realistically, Nesta knew that wasn’t actually what he was thinking, but it sure felt like it. Only Feyre gave her a strange look, as if she could sense something wrong.

“So, Nesta,” Rhys said smoothly. “Cassian tells me you’ve gotten pretty good in the sparring ring.”

Nesta’s mouth was dry, the hot air from the room closing in on her. “I’ve improved, yes.” She managed a reply, earning another squeeze from Cassian that tightened her throat even more.

She hadn’t wanted to be touched at all tonight, yet he was doing it anyway without even thinking.

“It’s been a while since I’ve practiced, you could probably give me a run for my money.” The High Lord chuckled, taking a sip of wine.

Again, everyone anxiously waited for Nesta to challenge him, to cause a scene and ruin the evening for the group. It made her feel physically sick, how she felt like she was drowning all over again and not only had Cassian not noticed, but the Inner Circle seemed to like her better this way – a shell of the female she was before, a quieter version.

“I think Rhys is challenging you, sweetheart.” Cassian chuckled. “Go on, go kick his sorry ass.”

“I’ll pass, thanks.” Nesta said quietly, but it was too late. Mor and Amren had stood up, moving over to where Azriel sat in the back to clear the space on the large rug by the fireplace. Feyre had climbed off Rhys’s lap, too, taking Nyx with her and handing her to Elain as she joined everyone over by Azriel.

Rhys down the rest of his wine and stood up, pushing his chair back and wiping invisible dust off his sleeves. “Come on, Nesta. Show me what you got.”

The room began to close in on Nesta even more, the air stifling and catching in her throat like sandpaper.

“It’s fine, really.” Nesta insisted, but was interrupted by Cassian gently shoving her to her feet.

“My girl is gonna make you eat dirt, brother.” Cassian said as he pushed Nesta up onto her unsteady feet.

More cheers from the females by Azriel began to sound up, all urging Nesta to show off her skills. It should have felt endearing, and she should have felt more excited at the opportunity to punch her annoying brother-in-law in his face. But all she could feel was suffocation, like she was back in front of her mother’s cruel gaze being forced to perform for people that did not care for her. An object, a plaything to be used to entertain others then put back in its box when they were done with her.

“No.” Nesta’s voice was barely above a whisper, unheard amongst the loud cheers.

“Nesta, Nesta, Nesta!” Feyre and Elain chanted from the background, egging her on. But she was frozen, arms slack at her sides.

“Come on, Nes!” Cassian barked playfully. “You’re acting like I haven’t taught you anything. Come on, do it for me–”

“I said NO.” Nesta snapped, her sharp voice silencing the room as she whirled around to face Cassian. He stared at her, eyes wide with shock.

“It’s all in good fun,” He said, brows furrowed in confusion. “He won’t actually hurt you. Besides, when else are you going to get the chance to–”

Nesta cut him off, her anger bubbling over the surface like a volcano that had waited centuries to finally erupt. “What part of the word ‘no’ suddenly means ‘convince me’?” She demanded.

Nobody said a word. Disappointment was written all over Cassian’s face. Amren snorted in the background, her whisper pointedly loud as she said, “I guess some people will never change, even after being spat out by the Cauldron.”

Tears burned in Nesta’s eyes, but she refused to let them see. Wordlessly, she stormed past everyone, making her way to the door of the river house. She hadn’t even made three steps out into the street before it opened up again behind her, heavy footsteps crunching in the snow.

“What the fuck, Nesta?” Cassian demanded, grabbing her arm and pulling her back.

“Let go of me.” She spat, trying to rip her arm from his grip. But he only held on tighter.

“We were having fun, what’s wrong with you?”

“Cassian, let go of my arm right fucking NOW.”

The male glared at her, but obliged. Nesta yanked her arm back to her side, rubbing the now sore area. Annoyance seeped from the male as he ran a hand through his hair. “The night was going well,” He grumbled. “It was all going well until you made a scene. For once in your life, Nesta, can’t you just try?”

“This IS me trying!” Nesta shouted, his words stabbing her harder than any knife could. After everything she had opened up to Cassian about, how could he not see that she was trying her best? That she was trying to make him happy by going along with his obscure date ideas, putting on a happy face being dragged to dinner with the Inner Circle even though they basically locked her up after the war?

“Well you’re not trying hard enough!” Cassian’s words hit her like a truck. The tears she had been fighting to keep back began to stream down her cheeks like icicles in the frozen wind. “Fuck, I’ve tried to hard to convince my family to give you a chance after how you treated them. I’ve gone out out of my way to make you happy, and this is what you fucking do? We all try so hard for you, and you won’t try at all.”

Nesta couldn’t stop herself from flinching at his words. Her brain screamed at her to yell back at Cassian, to bring out those claws she spent the last few months trying to rid herself of. But she couldn’t. She was exhausted, tired of pretending to be as happy as Cassian was. It sucked the life out of her, chipping at her away piece by piece until she felt empty inside. Her old self would be ashamed of how submissive she had become.

Cassian sighed, rubbing his face, and taking a step towards Nesta. He held his hands out to hold her. “Nesta, I’m so sorry–”

He stopped speaking when Nesta took a step back, shying from his touch. His hazel eyes were filled with hurt and confusion, and she sighed. “Cassian,” She said slowly. “Did you not remember how I asked you not to touch me tonight?”

The Illyrian’s brow furrowed in confusion, then softened as the realization dawned on him. “Is that what this is about?”

Nesta sighed, another tear rolling down her cheek. “Not just that–”

He interrupted her. “I completely forgot, Nes I’m so sorry. Why didn’t you just tell me to fuck off?”

“Because I shouldn’t have to. You should have remembered to respect my basic wishes. You don’t listen to me, Cassian. You hear me, but you don’t listen.”

Cassian sat down on the steps by the door, wings drooping in sadness. But she felt no pity for him, only anger. He was the one who didn’t listen to her when she asked not to be touched, who ignored her when she protested sparring with Rhys, but he was somehow the victim too? It made her blood sing with anger. “I tell you not to touch me because I’m having a bad day, and you pull me into your lap like a dog,” She continued icily. “I tell you I don’t want to do something, and instead of respecting that, you try to force me to do it for everyone’s entertainment. You know damn well that Rhys has never liked me, and how he meant it when he threatened to kill me a few months ago. And yet you pushed me to try and fight him anyways.”

Cassian stared at the frozen ground. Nesta could practically feel his confusion, a raging sea of emotions written all over his face. The wind blew his hair into his face, a sight that Nesta would have found beautiful once. But now it only filled her with sadness. She had bent herself backwards trying to become ‘worthy’ of Cassian in his and his family’s eyes, cursing herself alone at night and thinking she was the problem. Cassian was an objectively good male – loving, affectionate, good in the bedroom. Any female would be lucky to have him, so why wasn’t Nesta happy?

The answer had been deep down inside her, trying to claw its way to the surface, begging for Nesta to acknowledge it. And then it washed over her one day – everyone was quick to assume that she was the one at fault in the relationship, not Cassian. And somewhere along the way, she had convinced herself of that too, pushing down her gut feelings for the sake of trying to make it work with the general. She knew that her words shot to kill when she was mad, and she often couldn’t stop them no matter how much regret they filled her with. But when Cassian had come along, she learned to hold her tongue, to push back those claws inside her. The issue was that in the process of doing so, Nesta had begun holding her tongue more often than needed, bearing the facade of a female submitting to her mate just like everyone wanted.

Nesta had finally been de-clawed, Cassian wearing her talons around his neck like a trophy. She felt like an open wound at every party, her former self slowly oozing out of the gaps in flesh Cassian had clawed from her. And the worst part was, everyone liked her better this way. But she felt the opposite of better, she felt suffocated and empty.

“I understand you are trying to push me out of my comfort zone,” Nesta continued through tears, swallowing the thick lump in her throat. “And I appreciate it because sometimes that is needed. But you’ve pushed too hard, Cassian.”

“I only wanted what was best for you.” Cassian said dully.

She scoffed. “And how would you know what’s best for me when you never asked me? What, you just assume because we’re together you have some sort of decision-making capacity over me? That you have any idea what’s going through my head, what I’m feeling, or even what I want?”

Cassian stood up, taking a step towards Nesta. She stepped back again, wanting to keep the space between them and not caring about the hurt that flashed across Cassian’s face. “I know you, Nes.” He said softly. “And I love you.”

“No, you don’t.” The wet spots on her cheeks began to freeze over in the cold wind. “You love the idea of me. You love being with me, having me by your side. But you don’t truly know me, Cassian. And you don’t truly love me. You just think you do.”

The hurt swimming in Cassian’s eyes churned into anger. “You’re kidding, right? So you mean the past five months we’ve spent together have been nothing? That I truly didn’t get to know you at all in that time?”

“You’re 500 years older than me, Cassian. Five months is a blink of an eye in your lifetime. So no, you didn’t truly get to know me in that time.”

Cassian scoffed bitterly, shaking his head. But Nesta continued. “The only reason you think you got to know me was because others forced us into each other’s proximity. I did not come to spend time with you on my own free will. And I was isolated from everyone and everything, except for you. In that time, Cassian you… you took something from me. You took little pieces of me - little pieces over time, so small I didn't even notice. You wanted me to be something I wasn't, and I made myself into what you wanted. And I let you, because I thought I could make you happy that way. But it will never happen again. I am done changing who I am to make myself ‘worthy’ of you.”

Nesta turned around, not waiting to hear his response as she strode down the snow covered cobblestone. There was no towering presence following after her, much to her relief. She did not go back to the River House, or in the direction of the House of Wind. Truthfully, Nesta had no clue where she was going, only that she was done letting herself fall apart to please people who would never love her for who she truly is.

#nessian #nesta x cassian #nessian fic #nesta archeron fic #nessian angst #acosf #acotar #nesta archeron #cassian #rhysand #feyre archeron #azriel #sjm

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laxibbeb · 25 days ago

Note

Don’t worry, it’s truly been a week for us all. And not to flood you with asks, I just happened to have this ready at the same time as your snippet:)

I’m a fan of those Greek mythology retellings (although I haven’t finished Song of Achilles because I know how it ends and I’m scared of getting hurt). And I don’t know if you’ve ever read Gods of Jade and Shadow, but it was interesting.

Ninth House is fun, it has that mystery vibe to it while still being dark urban fantasy. Which is a genre that I don’t typically enjoy?

Also I enjoyed Too Good to be True. It was interesting trying to figure out each character’s motives throughout the book.

Have you read Priory of the Orange Tree? I loved it, but I ran into the same problem as you. I had a massive book hangover and haven’t been able to get into the second one yet 😂

I…am hesitant to tell you one of the things I’m pretentious about. I think it might give me away. I can tell you it has to do with one of my hobbies, though! For the other, I can be a bit of a snob about wine. I love a good Sauvignon Blanc. Truly immaculate. (But YES! Let’s be pretentious bitches together. That’s truly the dream. It’s also what Mor x Nesta could have been but anyway) haha maybe I’ll indulge both of us and write that someday 😊

Ooh the weaver? I see the appeal! It’s hard to pick one for ACOTAR because most of the characters are already hot. Andras, maybe? Dying for the sake of the plot? What a guy. Although I guess he’s not special in that regard, if you think about it.

I’m so sorry I just started talking😂

For non ACOTAR? I’m going to be honest I didn’t think about this either, so I’m doing the same as you. Uh, this is definitely a popular one, but that one fish from finding Nemo. Gill, I think his name is.

I can verify I am not one of the two people in the fandom who can understand that reference. Unsure if that narrows anything down for you (so I’m going to narrow it down even further and tell you I’m American)

I feel like these asks keep getting longer and longer. I don’t know what that says about us.

Anyways!

Do you have any favorite fics? They could be for any ship, honestly. I also enjoy Nessian and sometimes Feysand, and am open to other ones too.

Do you play any instruments? (I don’t think I asked this already?)

santa ❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥 i hope you flood me with asks, i love them

oH MY GOD i do that too, where i leave a book when i know it'll get bad 🫢 i'm scared to proceed with other books form "The Poppy War" for an example, because i have a vague idea of what will happen and i just. i just can't i've not read "Ninth House", i wanted to but not gonna lie, i'm scared i won't like it.. leigh bardugo hasn't ever done it for me before

i wanted to give something new of hers a try, though! so maybe?

"Too good to be true" is actually going on my tbr now, especially since i promised myself i'd read more thrillers (and haven't but shhh)

i HAVE read priory, (i have like, 80 pages left, but i'm GETTING TO IT so let's say i read it for a moment) it was so good! but yeah, the second one is gong to have to wait

(i would absolutely read an 800 page long, day to day account of tané's life, though)

---

OKAY, a wine snob??? that's so classy and sophisticated of you, santa (might i say - hot) i'll wait for your other pretentious thing, that's ok see! you see the mor x nesta potential for what it really is... divine and so, so sexy if you ever decide to write mor x nesta i'll owe you my firstborn, actually

---

OH MY GOD, THE ANDRAS SHADE (i wish the most important man in the acotar series had a single speaking line, not gonna lie)

okay, here's the thing - i've watched nemo one time and, stupid me i thought that was it, so i deleted all the memories i had of this movie. little did i know people would be referencing it for the rest of time i googled gill the fish from finding nemo and you know what? i GET IT. it's his slutty fin swoop

---

you know what, if you said that you recognized what i was talking about, only then would i have IMMEDIATELY known who you are

i now have 3 pieces of information that could possibly help me in figuring out your identity, and let me tell you, it doesn't narrow it down that much 🤣 so you're in the clear

---

I BRING FORTH MY FAVOURITE FANFICTION:

i cannot have a favourite fics list without mentioning @separatist-apologist, as she's the reason why i'm even in this fandom to begin with, so even though we all know this already -> take your pick and it's my favourite ever

what lips my lips have kissed, and where, and why by @foundress0fnothing THIS ONE IS SO MUCH FUN, and it has bi lucien; what more could you want

Springtide by @clarafae i've been really enjoying this one and i'm not done with it yet but it belongs here, ok i did not think i could like high lady of spring!elain but turns out i just needed a good fic

also, i've started A Blaze in the Dark by the famous @the-lonelybarricade and i can already tell you it belongs here as well

lately i've been reading a lot of azris, actually!

Just Enough Light to Cast Shadows by @jules-writes-stories (if you're reading this because ot the tag, jules please know i haven't forgotten about you, I'LL COME BACK) anyway, i love this one and i've been having so much fun reading it

i'm due a reread of Kerosene by @chunkypossum which is my absolute favourite and changed my life, actually

AND there are so many more but i need to finish replying to you before i turn 80 years old, unfortunately

---

i do not play an instrument :(( i used to really want to play the violin when i was a kid but when i asked my mom if i could attend music school she got war flashbacks and said she wouldn't put me through that (she also said i have no predispositions for doing music, which wow, thanks mom (she was right) 😋) so no instruments for baby laxi but i like to sing in my car when i'm driving 🤣

---

we're writing love letters to one another from across the sea and as the time passes they get progressively longer we just need to embrace it

it got to the point when i'm putting dividers whenever i change the topic to make it easier to read 🤣

as always, santa tell me your answers too, please!! and have a

#mom said “DO LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE i'm begging you”#no hard feelings about that though - if i really wanted it that badly she would've let me #instead i happily picked ceramics 😎#dearsanta #for a moment i thought tumblr deleted our letter >:( but we were ok all along

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rowaelinsdaughter · 9 months ago

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THE MEMORY OF YOU

a/n;; i dont know how, but i have managed to finish tis fic, ill try to write the requests i have but i dont promise anything. school sucks. also, first time writing nessian :)

artist;; lotrgirl

WARNINGS;; angst!! to fluff, mentions of blood, car accident, MODERN AU.

“she should be here already” nesta said, glancing again at the clock hanging on the kitchen wall of feyre’s house. her sister placed a hand on her shoulder, “she will, maybe the traffic was bad.” nesta sighed. cassian entered the kitchen, walking directly to her mate. his hands grabbed her by the waist, his thumbs massaging it. he searched her gaze. “she’s okay nesta” he rested his forehead with hers, his hands moving upward to her face, caressing her cheeks.

she nodded, grabbing the plates left and they went to the living room where the rest of the family was gathered. they were talking when the news reported a last minute news.

“we have breaking news. 30 minutes ago, a large truck collided with a car. apparently the truck driver was under the influence of alcohol and he veered off the road until colliding with the car that was going in the opposite direction. we passed the connection to our reporter.” the reporter showed and behind her, the truck was turned over and the car… the car was demolished. the paramedics were attending to the driver of the car. there was blood all over the road… but nesta knew the owner of the bracelet, knew who the driver was.

one moment she had the dishes in the hands and the next time they were on the floor. everyone was holding their breath, elain had a hand on her mouth and feyre approached her sister placing a hand on her shoulder. nesta looked at cassian behind her, fear was written on his face. pure fear. he was the first one to broke the silence. “we need to go. now.”

none of them could drive, so rhys was the one driving. cassian in the passenger seat, and feyre and nesta were in the back seats. after 15 horrible minutes, they made it to the accident just in time to watch the ambulance go away to the hospital. “we need to follow the ambulance” rhys said.

so the follow her.

when they arrived to the hospital, they watched as the paramedics lowered the stretcher from the ambulance . she was covered in blood, so much blood they didnt know if she was going to survive. nesta and cassian runned after the medics, and they watched her enter the surgery room. a doctor stopped them.

“sorry but you cant enter”

“shes our mate, shes our wife!” cassian raised his voice.

“i know sir, but we need the doctors to do their job. please, just wait here.” and she entered the room.

cassian sighed and looked at nesta. her eyes were distant, as if she could watch her mate.

please mother. dont take her away from us. please.

he hugged her. both praying she could make it alive.

4 hours later, a doctor left the surgery room. they all stood up, nesta and cassian approaching her, while feyre and rhys waited behind them.

“how is she?” nesta asked. her hands trembling with fear.

she sighed “she’s alive”

her knees buckled and cassian reached for her, both laughing and crying. feyre was the one to ask, her face stained with tears. “where is she?”

“she’s in room 146, in the intensive care unit zone. a nurse will guide you”

wires were attached to her, too many wires. beep. beep. beep. beep. that was the only sound, and it was killing them. she had not moved or awoke.

cassian watched nesta laid down beside her, she had fallen asleep the moment she touched the pillow. but cassian couldn't sleep, so he watched them, waiting for his mate to wake up. to see her beautiful eyes again. to kiss her. to hug her. to hear her laugh.

her entire body hurt.

that was the only thing she knew.

she didn't know where she was.

the last thing she remembered was the truck crushing her car and then nothing.

but know…

slowly she opened her eyes, blinking due to the light. something was beside her or someone, she didn't know. but someone was watching her. she looked beside her and met nesta’s eyes. her blue-grey was dull. black bags under them. messy hair. she lifted a hand to her face and nesta started crying. she had never seen her cry like this. she noticed someone was on the other side of the bed. cassian. he was also here.

he took her hand. his much bigger than hers. she loved that.

he was also crying, but he managed to speak “hello, angel”

a small smile.

“hi”

tags;; @throneofsapphics @thehighladywrites @vanserrasswife @shadowdaddies @loneliestluvr

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acourtofladydeath · 7 months ago

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WIP Game

Thank you for the tags @yanny-77 and @witch-and-her-witcher!!

Rules: Make a new post with the names of all the files in your WIP folder, regardless of how non-descriptive or ridiculous. Let people send you an ask with the title that most intrigues them, and then post a little snippet or tell them something about it! And then tag as many people as you have WIPs.

I have SO MANY WIPs in varying stages ranging from "ferally writing every chance i get, including in my sleep and during class" to "drowning and forgotten at the bottom of the pool while I work on everything else." Some are mostly drafted, others are outlines, and some are just ideas I've dropped into docs but all are near and dear to my little fanfic heart.

Welcome to the Family (Elain X all the Vanserras)

Sariel Sic Fic (Azris)

*ASOLB Ch3: Dare to Dream (Azris)

*RttHC Ch2: Winners & Losers (Azris X Nessian)

*TTBW Ch5: You Were Only Waiting (Nessriel)

Ch7: Reunited (Patrochilles)

UTM contact -> mating (Azris)

What Eris got Az for solstice (Azris)

Casris Hounds

Who Have We Become? (IC has to face some shit)

The Process of Progress (Azriel focused)

Carhysta Smut

A Court of Hurting and Healing (Bat Boys focused)

And So, We Danced (Nesta & Eris brotp w/ Nessian & Azris)

How Dare You (AU Azris)

Lovers Live and Die, Fortissimo (AU - Azris, Nessian, Elucien, Helion X LOA)

Lauda/Hunt F1 AU (Azriel/Cassian)

UTM Lucien/Eris fic

Patrochilles Azris

Eris shows up drunk & injured, see screenshots (Azris)

Feysand vs. Nessriel

FFF smut part 2 (Eltamcien)

ASOLB mating frenzy (Azris)

Jurian and Rhys heart-to-heart

Bat Boy reunion after UTM

*RttHC, TTBW, and ASOLB each have a doc per chapter, so they have multiple WIP docs, but I only listed the chapters I'm currently writing/working on.

Several are whump, several are feel good fun, some are more serious commentaries, and a few are straight smut. There are also MORE THAN THIS. But those ideas were either not as fleshed out or ones I wanted to keep to myself.

ANYWAY THIS IS HOW MY BRAIN WORKS. Welcome to my personal hell. ? Heaven? Unclear...

For legal reasons and my own gods damned sanity I make literally zero guarantees that you get all of these by the way. but THEY EXIST. There's also the two original fiction ideas that I have and have documents for but I'm keeping those close to the chest.

There's literally no way to tag as many people as I have fics so I'm just picking a few. I apologize if you've already been tagged and NO PRESSURE! @thelov3lybookworm, @readychilledwine, @born-to-riot, @danikamariewrites, @thelovelymadone, @theatrequeen, @nocasdatsgay

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xtaketwox · 1 year ago

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It Looks As Though You're Letting Go - Final Chapter

Fic Summary: Everyone is born with an arrow on the back of their hand which points to their soulmate at midnight on their eighteenth birthday. After her parents' disastrous marriage and her father's subsequent depression following her mother's death, Nesta realized a soulmate is nothing more than guaranteed heartache and ruination. On the eve of her eighteenth birthday, she packs up her car and leaves her family and life behind forever. What she doesn't count on, however, is having a soulmate like Cassian, who may be the one to prove to her that a soulmate is what she needs.

Chapter Rating: Explicit

Warnings: None

Chapter Word Count: 3863

Based on this prompt

Read on AO3 Fic Masterlist

A/N: We're finally here! The fic is now complete. I hope you enjoy it, and thank you for reading! If you're interested in the Elucien companion to this fic, I'll be starting to post in soon. If you're interested in being added to a tag list, either in general or for a specific ship, let me know. My main ships are Feysand, Nessian, and Elucien. Thank you!

Chapter 7

Nesta shoved against Cassian, who stepped back, allowing her to walk past him further into the bedroom and over to a large window on the opposite side of the room. She stared out at the impressive back lawn without really seeing it as her thoughts raced.

She wanted to give in. Badly. She wanted to let herself love Cassian, to stop fighting against that love. The gods knew he had been patient with her, had spent a decade letting her keep him at arms length and had done very little complaining. Was there even a point to resisting anymore? She already loved him enough that he had the power to destroy her the way her father had been destroyed. Cassian would never intentionally hurt her, of course, but she wasn’t even sure if she could handle breaking their friendship without losing herself, so what was the point anymore?

Nesta felt Cassian step up behind her and closed her eyes as his hands rested on her shoulders before he wrapped them fully around her, pulling her back against his chest and resting his chin on top of her head.

“I know you’re scared, Nesta,” he said so softly, his tone full of understanding she didn’t deserve. “I even understand your fear, share it.” His swallow was audible. “If I were to lose you, I don’t know—” He cut off and Nesta waited for him to continue. “I’m not going to try to convince you that your fears aren’t valid, especially given what happened to your parents, but are you going to let what happened to them stop you from living your life?”

Cassian pulled away and turned her so they were facing each other. She lowered her eyes but he gently grabbed her chin and forced her to look up at him. “You’re punishing yourself for something that wasn’t your fault. You’re letting your fear keep you from being happy and what is the point? You can’t let fear keep you from living your life to the fullest.” He cupped her face and Nesta leaned into the touch, tears pooling in her eyes as her emotions roiled inside of her. “I can’t stand the thought of you spending your life without happiness. Even if it’s not with me, I need to know you’re happy, Nesta.”

Nesta’s heart cracked at the tears pooled in Cassian’s eyes, her own tears slipping down her face. He was right. She had been living half a life, punishing herself for her parents choices, for her father’s breaking. But that didn’t negate the fact that losing Cassian would end her. Perhaps it was the inevitable truth for all soulmates, that one of them would bear the burden of outliving the other. It was also evident to her now that she had passed the point of no return. There was no going back to the time before Cassian, before she had fallen desperately in love with him.

That was the crux of the situation wasn’t it? Nesta loved Cassian with her entire heart and there was no escaping it now. Even if she left, she had already spent five years away from him without her love dimming. No matter how hard she tried, she would never return to simple friendship with the man in front of her.

Did she even want to?

Nesta reached up to cup Cassian’s cheek and knew the answer to that question. She didn’t want to. She wanted to give in, wanted to love Cassian as he deserved to be loved, wanted to be loved in return. She wanted everything.

“Ok.” The words came out clear and steady.

Cassian stopped breathing as his eyes widened. “Ok?” he breathed.

Nesta nodded, a corner of her mouth lifting in a half-smile at the disbelief on his face. “Ok.”

Cassian licked his lips and swallowed. “Just so we’re clear, you’re saying ok to being together?”

Nesta nodded, her eyes dropping to his lips. “Yes. I’m saying ok to being together.” She lifted her eyes to his. “You’re right. I’m tired of pretending I don’t love you with my entire heart.” A tear spilled down his cheek and she leaned up on her toes to kiss it away. “I’m sorry,” she whispered, “for stringing you along for so many years.”

Cassian shook his head as another tear fell and she kissed that one away too. “I would have waited forever for you, Nesta.” He put a hand on her cheek and forced her to look up at him. “I wanted you to be happy. I love you enough that I would have let you shred my heart to be with someone else who could make you happy if that’s what you wanted. I am desperately in love with you, and I would do anything to make you happy.”

Nesta let out a sob, unable to hold back the tide of tears as his words touched the ache in her heart, the ache that had been there since her father had chosen his own grief over the well-being of his daughters, over her. Cassian pulled her against him as she finally cried the tears she had spent a decade and a half holding back. She cried for the pain of knowing her father hadn’t loved her as much as he had loved her mother. She cried for the years she had wasted being afraid of the same thing happening to her. She cried for the way the Mother had given her a man as patient as Cassian, who was indeed the one person she trusted with her heart. No one else had given her the space and understanding that he had. Her sisters had let her stay away until today, but even they did not truly understand why she had done it. She would have to explain it to them, to apologize for abandoning them the way their father had abandoned them.

Cassian ran a hand up and down her back as she wetted his shirt with her tears, letting her expend the years of pain without a word.

“I don’t deserve you,” she said, her words choked on tears.

He pulled away, placing both hands on either side of her face as he looked down at her. “Yes, you do.”

Further tears fell as his words settled into her like a healing balm, patching together the cracks in her heart. His thumbs brushed away her tears.

“You deserve the world, Nesta,” he said. “And I want to give it to you.”

Nesta nodded. She raised her hands to grasp his wrists, pulling them from her face and then twisting them so that she grasped his hands. “You deserve the world too, Cassian.”

He swallowed hard, squeezing her hands. He looked behind him at the bed, and gently tugged her against toward it. Nesta expected him to begin undressing her, but instead, he laid on his side and tugged her down next to him, hugging her close. She turned towards him, pressing her face into his chest, twining their legs together as he wrapped his hands around her and rested his chin on her head.

They lay in silence, soaking up each other’s presence, the rightness of it settling far into Nesta’s heart and bones. The room grew dark around them and Nesta idly wondered if they shouldn’t let their friends know where they were. She was loathe to break the spell between her and Cassian, however.

When they had been laying there for what felt like hours, Cassian began running his hand up and down Nesta’s back, the touch feeling less comforting and more intentional as sparks of awareness traveled from her spine down to her core. Nesta ran her own hands up Cassian’s side and chest to the buttons of his shirt, popping the first one open.

He stilled and Nesta looked up in question. It was too dark to see his expression, but Cassian immediately captured her lips, not tentative this time.

As if the final tether between them broke, they both groaned, Cassian’s hands growing possessive as he pulled her against him. Without waiting for him to ask, Nesta opened her mouth and Cassian groaned again. He lightly shoved her shoulder back until he was hovering over her. She opened her legs and he settled between them, the heat of his body sending a shiver down her spine. He leaned on his elbows, looking down at her with a near reverence she could just make out in the dark as his fingers brushed the hair out of her face, his thumb tracing along her bottom lip.

“I love you so much,” he whispered.

Nesta blinked up at him, his words leaving her speechless before she finally whispered back, “I love you too.”

Cassian smiled and then leaned down, capturing her lips once more in a sweet kiss, as if to savor her. Heat began building between her legs, making it difficult not to squirm as Cassian took his time worshipping her lips.

“Relax,” he said against her lips as she started moving her hips, needing friction. “I’ve got you.”

His hand drifted down, pausing to gently squeeze her breast before he trailed his fingers along the edge of her dress, leaving a trail of goosebumps behind. He moved his hand higher, drawing circles on her skin as he rucked the hem of her dress up. When he at last reached her lacy underwear, he swore against her lips.

Cassian kissed the corner of her mouth and along her jaw as he brushed a knuckle back a forth along her underwear, still not giving her the friction she needed, driving her half mad.

“Cassian, please,” Nesta whined, arching her back as he gently sucked on the area where her neck and shoulder meet.

As if he had been waiting for her to beg him, Cassian pulled back and shoved her dress up over her head and tossing it on the floor. Without pausing he locked his fingers into the waistband of her underwear and tugged it down, tossing them next to her dress on the floor. His eyes widened as he stared down at her.

“You’re so beautiful,” he said, his voice hoarse.

Nesta was on the verge of begging him again, when he finally ran a finger through the slick that had gathered betweeen her thighs and traced a circle around her clit. She inhaled sharply as a shock of sensation flew out in every direction at the touch of his calloused fingers. She threw a hand over her face, the other grasping the sheet next to her as she started undulating, needing more.

“No,” Cassian said, pulling her hand away from her eyes. “Let me see you.”

There was pleading in his expression and she nodded, grasping the sheet on the other side of her as he continued circling her clit.

“Please,” she said, writhing under him. “I need you.”

Her eyes flew open as he removed his hand, only to see him lowering his head, his eyes on her. She cursed when he sucked her clit in his mouth, her hands leaving the sheets to grasp his hair, to keep him there as she bucked on the bed. He pressed one hand against her stomach to hold her in place as he worked his tongue over her, drawing her higher and higher, but never enough to tip her over the edge.

He kept her there, kept her begging him for more, as if he would be satisfied to do this for hours. Finally, when she thought she might go mad, he thrust a finger inside her. He had hardly pumped more than once before she screamed, her climax raging through her. Cassian didn’t stop, drawing it out as he thrust two and then three fingers into her, his tongue still circling her clit.

Nesta used the hands she had fisted in his hair to pull him off her. “Kiss me.”

As if he could see the desperation in her eyes, how much she needed him, he immediately surged up, grasping the sides of her face and kissing her, his lips wet as they moved against her, the tang of her own release flooding her mouth. She clung to him, needing him close, needing the intimacy she had been denying herself—denying them both. As if he could sense her need, or perhaps because he also needed her, he pulled away, immediately divesting himself of his clothes before he returned to lie between her legs and lined himself up at her entrance.

As he pushed in, Cassian’s head fell to her collarbones and they both cursed. He slowly thrust, allowing Nesta the time to adjust to the size of him. She threaded her fingers through his hair as he lifted his head.

“Are you alright?”

Nesta’s heart broke at the love and concern she saw there. She nodded as she threaded her fingers through his hair. “Like I told you the first time we did this, I’m not going to break.”

Cassian breathed hard as he held himself still, now fully seated in her. “I want it to be good for you.”

Nesta leaned up, wrapping her hand around the back of Cassian’s neck, and kissed him. “It’s more than good,” she said against his lips. “Now move.”

Nesta fell back as Cassian finally began moving and they both gasped. The feel of him inside her was better than she remembered, and she had certainly spent a lot of time in the past decade reliving that first encounter. Cassian leaned down, kissing her, his tongue moving in time with his hips, his kisses somehow both soft and urgent, as if he too had spent a decade reliving their first time together and wanted to savor every moment of this one.

Nesta wound her arms around his neck, threading her fingers into his hair, groaning at the delicious sensation of him moving, the way he hit exactly where she needed him to, a second orgasm building quickly. Cassian began snapping his hips harder, as if he were quickly losing his own self control and Nesta moved her hips in time. He pulled back, breathing hard as he said, “I can’t get enough of you.”

Nesta locked her ankles behind his back, her heels digging into his ass, wordlessly urging him to go faster. “Harder,” she moaned, throwing her head back. He didn’t need to be told twice, his pace picking up as he snapped his hips, the sound of slapping skin as lewd as their mingled moans.

Cassian leaned back on his knees, grasping Nesta’s hips and pulling her hard against him, the new angle immediately sending Nesta over the edge, her body locking up as wave after wave of sensation rocked through her, Cassian giving her no time to catch her breath as he rode her through it until he also finally tipped over the edge, leaning back down to kiss Nesta in an attempt to muffle his own scream.

Cassian collapsed against her, weighing her into the bed as he breathed hard against her. Nesta ran a hand up and down his spine as the minutes ticked by, neither one wanting the moment to end, to pull back into their own bodies. Eventually, Cassian rolled away.

“Sorry,” he said as he pulled her on top of him. “I’m crushing you.”

Nesta laid with her head on his chest, her legs twining with his. “I liked you crushing me.”

They were silent once more, Cassian running his fingers up and down Nesta’s arm. Her mind immediately tried to remind her that they had a lot of things to discuss, but she told it to fuck off. Cassian, however, clearly didn’t have the same vehemence against his own mind.

“What now?”

Nesta squeezed him tight, as if that might keep him from leaving her, might keep them from falling apart should she say the wrong thing. “I don’t know.”

Cassian’s fingers stilled. He gently pushed her off of him, the loss of his heat sending her anxiety soaring as he hovered over her, looking between her eyes as if trying to read the thoughts behind them.

Finally, he said, “You can’t scare me away, Nesta.”

Nesta swallowed. “You don’t know that.”

He chuckled, brushing a strand of hair off her face. “If you haven’t managed to scare me away by now, what makes you think you can scare me away now that you agreed to be together?”

She was silent as she stared at him, as she read the steady surety in his eyes. “What if things end badly?”

He seemed to know that she wasn’t talking about breaking up, his expression softening. “That’ll always be a possibility,” he admitted. “There’s a point in the future when one of us will leave the other behind.” He swallowed as if the thought scared him as well. “But would you deny yourself a lifetime of happiness over what-ifs? You’re not your father, Nesta. If anyone can survive, it’s you. And more than that, you have your sisters, your friends, and maybe one day you’ll have our children as well, if you want them. You’ll never be alone,” he paused before adding, “unless you let yourself be alone.”

Cassian sat up, pulling Nesta up as well as he sat back on his knees, and grabbed her hands. “I promise that no matter what happens, you can always count on me. I promise to always call you on your bullshit.” She huffed a laugh at that. “I promise to tell you what my limits are and when you’ve crossed the line. I promise that I will work through our disagreements instead of letting them fester. Most of all, I promise to never leave you by choice.”

Nesta swallowed, wanting to believe him, needing to believe him. She closed her eyes. She would believe him, because Cassian had been with her these past ten years. He had earned her trust, had respected every boundary she had set out. She opened her eyes again. Lifting his hands and kissing his knuckles.

“I promise to guard your heart with my life. I promise to respect your feelings. I promise not to run away instead of telling you how I feel. I promise to be open with you. I promise that no matter how much I want to build a wall in my heart, to protect myself, with you I won’t.” She looked up at him, her voice steady as she added, “I promise to never leave you by choice.”

They both surged forward, wrapping their arms around each other in a tight hug as the promises they spoke settled between them.

There were no guarantees that Nesta wouldn’t lose Cassian in the future, but then again, in life there never are.

~~~~~~

Cassian had never been this happy. His heart felt as if it were about to burst out of his chest. He and Nesta had crawled back in bed, quickly falling asleep. She had asked whether they were allowed to stay, or whether they should let Rhys and Feyre know they were there, and Cassian had assured her that no one would even notice one of the bedrooms had people in it. They had spent the rest of the night simply being together. They fell asleep hugging each other and had woken much the same way.

Cassian had been unable to resist her the next morning, fucking her so hard the entire house likely heard them. He had teased her that if the servants didn’t know someone else was in the house, they certainly did now.

They had dressed and snuck out afterward, Cassian following Nesta to her apartment.

“Where are we going to live?” he asked as he watched Nesta toweling her hair dry, now dressed in sweats. He needed to go back to his own apartment for a shower and a change of clothes, but he wasn’t going to go unless Nesta went with him. It wasn’t that he didn’t trust her, but that he didn’t want to be apart from her. Not now that they were finally together.

“What do you mean?” Nesta asked, sitting on the edge of her bed.

“Are we living here?” He looked around. “At my apartment? Or do you want to find a new place for both of us?”

Nesta stilled, blinking at him. “You want to live together?”

He forced his immediate fear down as he said, “You don’t?”

She shook her head. “No. I definitely want to live together.” His breath whooshed out in relief. “I guess I’m just surprised you want to live together so soon.”

He laughed. “Why? Because things are moving too fast? We need to get to know one another?”

She rolled her eyes. “No.” She blew out a breath. “I guess I’m just getting used to the idea that you truly want to be with me all the time.”

It was Cassian’s turn to roll his eyes. “I have always wanted to be with you all the time. From the first moment we met, I wanted to be wherever you were.”

Nesta blushed but otherwise ignored his comment as she said, “I think it might be good to have a fresh start.” She looked around the apartment she had been living in for a decade, despite the fact that she was now a lawyer who could most definitely afford something bigger and nicer.

Cassian grinned. “I think so too.” He certainly wasn’t making the money that Nesta was, especially given his personal trainer business was still in its infancy, but he also could stand for an upgrade.

Nesta chewed her lip, looking in the distance. Cassian waited for her to work through her thoughts, despite wanting to know what she was thinking. Eventually she exhaled and looked at him.

“I need to talk to my sisters.”

He crossed over to sit next to her at the fear he saw in her expression. “Do you want me to go with you for moral support?”

She shook her head. “No. Yes. Maybe.”

Cassian chuckled. “How about I go with you and wait outside.”

Nesta nodded. “I don’t want to talk to Feyre until she gets back from her honeymoon, but maybe I can talk to Elain?” She leaned against him as Cassian put an arm around her. “It’s probably better if I talk to them separately anyway.”

“Do you know what you’re going to say?”

Nesta was silent for a few moments before saying, “I’m going to apologize for abandoning them like our father did.”

Cassian wrapped his other arm around her as Nesta wrapped her own around his waist, and they sat in silence for a long while. Nesta eventually pulled away and when he looked down at her, she appeared different, as if she had let some invisible weight go.

“This is going to sound cheesy,” she started, and the corner of his mouth tipped upward at the warning in her tone, “but for the first time in my life, I think everything is going to work out.”

Cassian kissed the tip of her nose. “I know it is.”

And even if it didn’t, they would face whatever happened together.

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