#neil deserves to be neil abram minyard-josten

[ravlykpavlyk]

nora: andreil never get marri-

me, opening ao3 with andreil's wedding: shhh shhh shhh it's too late for lies

[kevindavidday]

i swear idk yes i think neil's high on life but i would also live life to the fullest if i was the most important person to andrew minyard like can you imagine??? he doesn't give anyone time of day, he chronically hangs out and talks to specifically older people like coach and betsy or renee who is the one person he respects but who doesn't respect renee? c'mon, but neil? neil gets to talk to him all the time like i don't think andrew even realizes that in his search for entertainment he is singularly the most entertaining and interesting character around like everyone's out there thinking andrew is so quiet he rarely has anything good to say and neil is sitting there with a shit-eating grin because andrew thinks HE'S the one who deserves to listen to him talk, for an hour or more, about the pros and cons of having a cat or smn random

and for andrew? being subject to neil abram josten's die-hard attention and affection? don't even get me started UGH they make me SICK

[codename-adler]

foxes + onesies (6/9)

based off of that one post i saw and don’t remember, where people once caught Allison wandering around Fox Tower in a giraffe onesie, and i absolutely melted for her. here is the Foxes’ journey to getting a onesie each!

Neil

Neil is oblivious

no, scratch that

Neil is oblivious to crushes, fashion, comfort, and that the foxes + onesies is becoming a thing

he’s seen Allison out of pure luck, but he hasn’t seen the others

and even if he had, he wouldn’t have registered that five members of his team now own children pajamas for adults

since his appreciation of Ally’s giraffe, their relationship had greatly improved

yet he’s never noticed that his three girls all had onesies

and even when he’s woken up by Nicky’s scream, and sees Erik sporting his rainbow unicorn pajama on Nicky’s tablet screen, he doesn’t. register. it.

it’s Matt who has to break the news to him

Andrew had been on his bed all day and Neil didn’t want to overcrowd his space, so he plans an evening at Matt’s

Aaron is God-knows-where and he’ll be damned if he complains

Matt has their movie lineup all figured out

(Neil loves movies, he just doesn’t know where to start… Matt makes sure he tries every genre in the market)

so for tonight, it’s Rainman, The Blind Side, Juno and I Am Legend

one thing the Foxes don’t really know is that Matt knows everything about every actor and actress

Neil likes Matt’s commentary almost as much as the movies themselves

he likes how Matt fills him in on all the details, because it’s not just for Neil’s benefit, he genuinely likes to talk about his favorite idols and stories

Neil likes all of them, and sees a little bit of Matt in all of them too

Matt thinks that if he one day decided to stray away from Exy, he might want to be an actor or a movie director

Neil would very much like to see that, despite the blasphemy of quitting Exy…

tonight’s movies have all inspired Matt growing up

maybe that is why he feels the need to put in his Tigger onesie

he doesn’t even think twice about it, not an ounce ashamed and trusting Neil would never judge him for this

that doesn’t mean he isn’t surprised when Matt comes back with popcorn, Gatorade (orange for both Neil and himself) and dried mangoes and apples (Neil still doesn’t like candy or chocolate)

Neil’s jaw is on the floor

he doesn’t understand

Matt sees it in his eyes

Neil: Why?

Matt tells him why, no shame

he tells him about the girls and Nicky too

he even goes as far as extending his arm to Neil, so he can touch the fabric

Neil nods his head after, and they start their movies

between Juno and I Am Legend, Matt goes for a pee break, which allows Neil to think

he thinks about his mom

how she’d never really dressed him in soft and frivolous clothes as a child

how by the time he was 6 years old, he was not even a child anymore

he wonders if their lives had been different, if she would have pampered him with such things as a pajama that looked like a Halloween costume

if she would have brought him on errands wearing it

Neil isn’t that sad, or angry, he’s just a little caught off guard

he should find it stupid that most of the Foxes indulged in such childish and useless things

but then again, he’d bought Andrew a Maserati, so really, who was stupid?

instead, he found it brave that his teammates, his friends, proudly wore silly pajamas, even when they knew they could be shamed, harshly criticized, made fun of

Neil wondered what it would feel like to wear Matt’s onesie

Neil wondered, fantasized, what kind he would pick for himself if he just had to choose one

lost as he was in his thoughts, Neil didn’t hear nor see Matt sitting back beside him on the couch

Matt: You good, bro?

Neil: Huh?

Matt: Are you okay?

Neil: Yeah yeah, I’m fi- I’m good. Just thinking. About your pajama.

Matt: Oh! You should get one.

Neil: What?

Matt: God knows if one of us needs softness in their life, it’s you. No offense.

Neil: Oh. None taken.

Matt: Just think about it, yeah?

Neil nods and directs his attention back to Will Smith

but Matt goes at it again when it’s Neil’s turn to go pee

Matt: You wanna try something fun?

trusting Matt and his definition of “fun”, Neil accepts

Matt goes to the bathroom and comes back in sweats and tee shirt, handing Neil his onesie

Matt: Try it on, yeah?

Neil: Why.

Matt: I have an inkling that you’ll like it. But you don’t have to. We’re just chilling.

Neil’s first instinct is to say no, to keep on focusing on Will Smith and to absolutely not draw attention to himself

but Neil isn’t on the run anymore

Neil doesn’t have to lay low

Neil doesn’t have to repress his wants

Neil doesn’t have to say no

he has learned about saying yes with Andrew, he’s learned everything with Andrew, but that doesn’t mean he has learned to say yes to others

he trusts Matt

he knows Matt

he takes the onesie and it’s his turn to go to the bathroom to change

he operate quickly, before stopping abruptly once the thing is on

he yells for Matt

Neil: Matt? Matt!

Matt: Yeah??

Neil: I don’t think this is gonna work.

he comes out of the bathroom…

and he is drowning in fabric

Matt is 6’4”

Neil is 5’3” at most

now picture it

it’s ridiculous

but Matt doesn’t laugh

he smiles

he smiles so, so big

big and bright and warm

Matt: I think it’s working just fine.

Neil keeps the onesie on for the rest of movie night, quickly forgetting he even has it on as he once again becomes engrossed in whatever stunts Will Smith is pulling in his underground lab

he even falls asleep in the onesie, on Matt’s couch, until the morning after

Matt had sent Andrew visual proof that Neil was alive and well before going to bed himself, knowing Andrew would want to know of the whereabouts of his “junkie” even on his bad days

(Andrew hates the photo; he hates Neil’s squished face and his tiny-looking body and his content sleepy smile)

Neil passed a surprisingly decent night, alone, on Matt’s couch, in Matt’s clothes

that makes him unusually pensive

it makes him think of the weighted blankets everybody seems eager to buy him to help him sleep better

Neil always says no, he knows better

he’s tried Abby’s, and hated it

it was too heavy, to constricting, too warm, too big, too much

he couldn’t possibly fall asleep with such a blanket on him; he wouldn’t be able to move, to fight, to get up and run

he wasn’t a rabbit anymore, but that didn’t mean his body sometimes forgot about that when he dreamt or when he woke up

yet the onesie had felt enough

it had felt okay

Neil Josten wants a onesie

and he unabashedly told Matt so

Matt beamed

Matt: What kind do you want???

Neil: What do you mean, what kind?

Matt: Well, do you just want a regular one? A geek one? An animal?

Neil: I want a fox.

Matt: Neil, my dude, not everything has to be Fox-related…

Neil: I want a fox. Take me to the mall, now, yeah?

Neil Josten doesn’t stop instigating fights, running his mouth, punching people or making threats

a onesie doesn’t change that

Neil Josten doesn’t suddenly become soft

but at least now, he has one more thing that makes him belong

at least now, he is making real memories

at least now, he is living

at least now, Andrew Minyard has a new reason to raise his percentage

[crazy-fangirl2524]

It’s Nathaniel wesininski Neil Abram josten birthday and I know that on this day, none of the foxes mentioned it but they all have lunch together and then andreil will have dinner together and if they skip night practice Kevin wouldn’t say anything and if the next day they are late to morning practice Wymack would turn a blind eyes

and I know that on January 19th, Andrew wouldn’t touch Neil’s scars, physical touch would be kept to the bare minimum, just a few light kisses, forehead kisses, hand on his neck, a finger through his belt, just to say I am here.

at night, if Neil slept closer to Andrew and asked quietly if Andrew will put his arm under his pillow then no one knows, and if the entire week Neil was tense no one would bring it up because they all understand

but if on March 31st the foxes throw the biggest party and almost everyone get drunk and if Neil was happier then that’s all that matters

So here is a friendly reminder that although we all love to think Neil will celebrate his birthday we probably know he actaully won’t but if as the years go by and he started to notice less and less what day it is and he doesn’t get tense anymore on January 19th then that is already the best birthday gift for Neil

Happy birthday, Neil, a character that taught us surviving isn’t the same as living and that sometimes life is all about taking that one unlikely chance and that although the world is cruel and the people in it are crueler, there are even kinder people out their and that even the most broken of us deserve our happy ending.

Happy birthday Neil, you lived another year and will live many more because your life is no longer a countdown.

[doodlingstuff]

He woke up with a startle.

His bones were aching with the ghost pain of past, present and future fractures.

His skin itched with the sting of blades, the burn of fire, the heat of bullets. The wetness of spilled blood was soaking him.

His face felt strange. Like it had changed a million times in an infinite number of tortures.

In his ears was ringing the echo of threats, of courses, of shouts, of screams both his own and from the people lost on the way.

His eyes couldn't register what was in front of him. He only saw people hurting him. Bad persons enjoying all the agony they were inflicting on him in every possible way.

His nose was full of the acrid smell of a makeshift bonfire. Of skin and bone turned into ashes. Of marred flesh peeling out from bloodied muscles. Of cigarettes shared on rooftops.

He finally could move his hand. Only a few inches away to discover tangled cold sheets.

He was alone.

Through the pain of a thousand lives lived in absolute hell and fear, broke the memories of kind faces he had met a million times before.

People he knew and trusted with his life. He had known them since college. Or maybe high school, or maybe when he was little. He had been with them forever or maybe never. Around the happiness of their memories was also angst, and terror, and grief.

But they were his family, and he was theirs.

After the faces, a dozen names popped into his mind. Alex. Stephan. Cris. Nathaniel. Abram. Neil. Harford. Wesninski. Josten.

Who was he? 

There wasn't a clear picture to hang on to.

Scars, pain, burns, baggy clothes. Brown, green, gray, icy blue eyes. Blond, black, chestnut, ginger, auburn hair. Black and red. Orange and white.

The weight of a racquet on his hands, but also its absence.

The memory of scoring a goal, but also having to walk away from a court, and the strange feeling that what he clung to didn't exist at all.

He was gasping for air, trying to make sense of all the memories shattering his mind in a million pieces.

And among the chaos, he finally could form a clear image.

A bored stare. Hazel piercing into him. Looking always into the deepest part of his soul and coming out unfazed. Sharing cigarettes, placing a strong grip on his neck. Kissing and touching in a way that no one had ever touched him before.

He had lost that too at some point in a thousand ways. He had been gone. It had been his fault, or it hadn't. There had been goodbyes, but sometimes there hadn't.

The longing for that eye in the storm of his twisted dream made him wake up and force his aching limbs to move. To run like he had been taught over and over and over again in a thousand different ways.

He stumbled through aisles and walls until he found a light turned on and tufts of blond hair. He kept walking until he felt the bumps and ridges of scarred skin below his fingers. He searched for the indifference of honey eyes darkened by the dim light.

He looked for the warmth of soft lips against his own, and when he found it, he could finally breathe again after the worst nightmare of all his lives lived at once.

At that moment, it didn't matter any of the rest.

A pipe dream. A hallucination. A character. A person.

He was all and none of that.

The only thing he knew, was that he would always find Andrew or Andrew would always find him. And that was real.

The rest didn't matter as long as they could be together one more time than they were broken apart.

"101% Josten. Stop it and go back to sleep."

Yeah. He was Neil Josten, and everything would be fine.

[pipedreampynch]

nora: andreil never gets married or says i love you and andrew never laughs or smiles or feels happiness ever

literally the entire fandom:

[myblessedeyes]

In the second installment of my touch-starved chronicles, I present to you more things that my ass can’t stop thinking about at 2 in the morning and so will project them onto my two stickball playing softbois, because they deserve this kind of softness and I hope they find comfort in these actions as I do, and hopefully so do you:

Pimple popping:

You know our homeboi Neil ain’t about that “scan every inch of your face for imperfections in front of the bathroom mirror” kind of person. so, i give you: Andrew, pimple popping extraordinaire, perched on Neil’s lap, hand on chin as he inspects his not boyfriend’s face because Nicky had gone to him, two vodka bottles in hand, pleading for him to do something about that monstrosity living in the middle of Neil’s forehead. it’s ruining everything, Andrew.

he would’ve left him be, but it’s been 2 weeks since the last time he’s gotten a chance to stare at the stupid beauty that is Neil’s face and he needs his fill of hearing Neil whine about stupid Nicky, who does he think he is. he should do something about his bullshit footwork as a backliner…

‘Drew you got a blackhead right here,” “It’s a beauty mark, stupid ass,” “I’m friends with Allison Reynolds, Andrew. I think I know the difference between a blackhead and a beauty mark.” (Also, Neil spends every morning memorizing every inch of Andrew’s face again and again like he did the road maps he couldn’t carry around with him but that his mom would tell him to memorize when they had to split up to lose someone that was tailing them and had agreed to meet up in this specific obscure town 10 miles from where they were and he knew for a fact, that that little dot was not there yesterday morning)

Neil’s immersed in a book in Spanish, telling the tale about this Aztecan warrior escaping from the Spanish raids and looking for his family in the chaos that’s full of action that rung truer than most books (to his personal calculations) that his professor had recommended; his ass is perched on Andrew’s lap, his legs spread wide on either side of Andrew’s waist as Andrew’s broad hand presses to the back of his thigh, the other hand bringing the other leg to his side, before he’s pushing the first leg down onto his torso, helping him stretch out that one muscle he might’ve pulled during practice and that might’ve had him limping all over campus uncomfortably the entire day

Andrew sitting in the bath in his home in Columbia, water boiling hot and a soft pink color from the bathbomb Neil had put in for him, with Neil’s legs on either side of his torso as Neil, clothed and seated on the moist edge of the bath, worked the tense muscles of Andrew’s neck and shoulders with hard strokes and this lavender oil Dan had recommended to him from her collection of essential oils that has Andrew literally moaning in ecstasy while he hosts a war inside his mind telling him to shut the fuck up, you’re embarrassing yourself but then Neil gives a hard stroke down his back and he allows himself to worry about the mental fatigue of worrying over how he was voicing his pleasure for another time

Neil’s arms wrapped around Andrew’s waist, chin pressed to his solar plexus as he sat atop their car’s hood, Neil’s voice softly pointing out every constellation and the story that comes with them into his chin, which Neil occasionally kisses softly, at times drawing the seated man to peer down at him and obliges himself a kiss

Meeting up with Neil after his morning class because they were going to leave campus to go to Columbia for the long weekend and finding him in the student lounge in a bulky hoodie with his number decorating the back, and bringing attention to the broad expanse of his shoulders and the cinched waist that made up Neil’s torso, with his hoodie drawn as he leaned over his legs because the stupid ass had gone hard in their midnight practice and had immediately committed to an all-nighter to finish all the work he had to turn in on Friday to turn it in today and so that he didn’t have to be bothered during their short vacation. Stepping up to him with a grunt and a teasing comment for his sluggishness which Neil chuckles at exasperatedly before reaching forward and hooking a finger to one of his jean’s belt loops to tug him forward and into the space between his legs to smother his face into his belly button which Andrew conceded to with a roll of the eyes and a hand raking into the back of his head.

kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss:

Neil stretched out on top of Andrew’s body, shimmying higher up with Andrew’s fingers slipped under the band of his leggings and underwear to press against the skin of the small of his back as Neil pressed a kiss to his lips: a soft one, a tender one , and then a loving one before placing one of each on his cheekbone, on his nose, between his eyebrows, on his chin, right below his eye then back to his lips where he kissed and kissed and kissed and Andrew let him and felt nothing but contentment through it.

 Andrew wears a sleeveless shirt with his signature armbands in the middle of the summer and Neil can only stare at the small muscle there as it flexes. Neil slips a hand onto his bicep before he swoops down and plants a soft kiss to the muscle there, watching in fascination as it tenses under his ministrations.

Andrew pressing a kiss to Neil’s jaw, finally indulging himself after having to see his stupid not-boyfriend clench his jaw as ESPN spent the day of Riko’s death anniversary praising him for being an “angel for strikers” then the underside before following the line of his jaw with kisses, kissing higher and higher until he was about to reach his chin, skipping it to switch to the other side of his jaw to continue his trek up to his chin where he scraped his teeth on it and laving it with a swipe of his tongue 

Neil getting into the habit of kissing the back of Andrew’s neck after checking if he slept well while Andrew sits on the edge of the bed and rubs the heels of his hands to his eyes before getting up

 Andrew turning his face into the hand Neil had used to carefully cradle his jaw with to kiss it

 Reaching up and kissing Neil on the cheek after they’ve been trading snarky comments with each other to fluster him

Burrowing into Neil as they wait with the rest of the team for Best Buy to open up on Black Friday because the new PlayStation was coming out and they need it, Neil. We have to be cool, like every body else, Neil. So we have to get a new PlayStation like everyone else, Neil. and telling Andrew of how him and his mom would take advantage of events like this and pick people’s pockets while they were in line or would steal certain objects that they could easily hide in their bulky jackets to sell them and get cash from there as Andrew secretly prompted him to continue by pressing lazy kisses across his collarbones.

 Neil pressing kisses to the inside of the thigh he’s leaning his head against and abandoning his homework to just turn around and nuzzle into it effectively distracting Andrew from his own book

because freaking fight me if you think that Andrew doesn’t also have the thighs of steel but that soft, fat skin on the inside of his thighs from eating too many damn sweets

Neil hopping onto the bathroom counter as Andrew is in the middle of shaving, smiling at him tentatively with a hand extended which Andrew stares at him for, rolls his eyes at before handing over his razor. With a tug at one of his belt loops, Neil has him between his legs and after swishing the blade in the water, as he’s seen Andrew do a million times before, he leans forward, presses Andrew’s chin back with a thumb and goes to finish clearing under his jaw before he carefully followed the curve of his jaw onto his cheeks. Every time he clears a spot, Neil makes a point of nuzzling Andrew softly, murmuring his thanks for the trust, and kisses him before continuing.

[abraxos-is-toothless]

Tummy Worship

In the Fellow Junkies chat we’re always losing our minds over the fact that Andrew totally has little bit of tummy chub and Neil is head over heels in love. If you don’t love soft Andreil then don’t read this lols ((: Also I might do a linked fic about Neil and being Demi as it’s only briefly discussed here?

A/N: I tried to keep them in character but I don’t think it worked and they’re also written in the way I personally want them to heal.

——————

It had been two years since whatever it was that they were had started. Andrew would never admit it, not even to Neil, but he was probably the happiest he’d ever been in his life. He didn’t think he’d felt this happy with Cass either, just Neil. The blue eyed, too pretty for his own good, Exy junkie.

They were currently lying in their bed in Columbia, Neil in nothing but his underwear because the freak somehow always overheated at night, and Andrew was in a pair of soft sweats but his chest was left bare because most days he was comfortable with that now. Neil was lying on his side and had his head on his shoulder, an arm around his waist, while Andrew was sort of sat propped up against the head board. It had taken them a long time to get to the point where Andrew was okay with cuddling but after a few times, he realised he quite liked the feeling of closeness to his junkie, like wrapping himself around him at night to prove that he really wasn't a hallucination. That Neil had stayed. Neither of them had spoken in what felt like hours but when the silence was broken it was by Neil’s soft and hesitant voice.

“Drew? Yes or no?”

They didn’t need to use that as much as they did in the beginning but if Neil was using it now, Andrew assumed it was for something new.

“To what, Abram? I don’t mind when you ask, you know that.” The tip of Neil’s nose always went red first when he started to blush, something that was so incredibly adorable it made a warm feeling bubble inside of his chest. Bee would call it healing, but Andrew just thought it was a lack of self-preservation skills. Neil rarely got nervous and even rarer, he never got nervous to ask Andrew for something, he always just asked (Andrew hated him for that). So instead of just kissing him to stop the words like he wanted, he remained quiet and waited for his junkie to finish talking.

“I want to lay with my head on your stomach, yes or no?”

Now it was Andrew’s turn to blush. He tried his hardest to stop it, but he could feel his face heat up and he knew for a fact that the tips of his ears were turning pink. Goddamn it Josten. His percentage was going up and he was buying Andrew at least two pints of ice cream. To give himself a moment to think he simply asked “Why?” Because there’s simply no way he could want that right?

“Because I’ve always liked it, Drew. I just really want to know if it’s as soft as it looks.”

“You’re joking right? I’ve got a layer of chub whereas you’re all muscle and abs, how could you possibly like what I have?” Andrew was glaring at his belly by the time he had finished speaking. Yes, he may play a lot of Exy –unwillingly yes- but because of the amount of junk food he ate, it left him with a little layer of chub over the muscles underneath. Sometimes he couldn’t help comparing what he looked like to Neil and trying to figure out how Neil actually liked what he saw when Andrew would allow him to look. He looked back up after a few minutes, realising that his idiot had yet to speak which made him slightly self-conscious. However, when he did, said idiot was biting his lip the way that always made Andrew want to bite it himself and he was just staring at his belly like it was the greatest thing he had ever seen. He finally managed to tear his eyes away when he spoke again, a quiet whisper between them.

“How can you say that? You know that my attraction and feelings towards you isn’t about your looks, I mean yeah, you’re beautiful and you’ve always been beautiful to me but we’ve talked about this. It’s always just been you and the connection we have, emotionally. It’s never been like this for me before, people were just people, but then I met you and after a while everything that felt missing in me just felt whole, you know?”

Andrew couldn’t breathe, it was like he had forgotten how to. His idiot had called him beautiful; no one had ever talked about him that way, but of course Neil would be the first. Yes they had had this talk only a few months ago, Neil had found him up on the roof of the Tower and had spent the evening talking about things Nicky had shown him online and that they had finally figured out why he only felt that way about Andrew of all people. Demisexual, they had finally concluded felt right to Neil. Made him realise why he didn’t work the way everyone else did when it came to being attracted to someone. He had to have an emotional bond before he felt anything sexual towards a person. And somehow, for some unknown reason, the idiot picked him. Wanted him. God, he hated that the gorgeous junkie made him feel this way, but knowing what he did made Andrew brave enough to say “Yes.” And when Neil looked at him as if to ask if he was sure he said it again with more strengths behind it, “Yes, Abram. It’s a yes.”

Neil moved slowly over him, trying to find a position that would be comfortable for himself while also being cautious of the few boundaries Andrew was still working on being able to let go of. Once he was where he wanted to be, he laid his right hand on one thigh and held onto one of Andrew’s after placing his free one into his own mop of red curls for Andrew to tangle his fingers in. After receiving permission and waiting for the body under his to relax again, he started placing soft, barely there kisses across Andrew’s lower belly. His breaths were gradually becoming heavy pants, loud in the quiet room when he finally let those small pecks become open mouthed, causing shivers down his spine. He watched Neil throughout, noticing the heated glances he’d occasionally send his way and the not so secret looks of fascination as they roamed over the expanse of bare skin before him. Eventually, the onslaught of overwhelming feelings became too much for Andrew so his hand that was tangled with the other’s tightened a fraction in warning.

This time when Neil looked at up at him, chin resting on the squishiest part just blow his belly button, he spoke the words that Andrew realised he didn’t think he’d ever deserve but had always wanted to hear. The words that were his undoing, that made him want to hold onto the idiot between his legs and never let go.

“I love you for who you are, Andrew Joseph Minyard. I’ll only ever love you. Always.”

He had never believed in having an ‘always’ but staring into those bright blue eyes, Andrew thought he just might get to have it.

——————

If you hate it then I’m sorry but it’s done now:) I know it was short too I’m sorry:( I have more aftg stuff in the world so if you’re a fan and want to be tagged in the future just let me know!💓

Tags: @bryaxisthefaceofnightmares @junkiejosten10 @jostenlovesminyard @oreosndscones @koholania @dollymangwani @certified-bi-fangirl-disaster @hannahoftheinternet @imstupidremember @stop-breathing-its-annoying @fancyclodpaintercookie

[meanminyxrd]

punchdrunk but it’s andreil based

hey losers i’m back with another song analysis, as always. i have a playlist for my andreil vibes if you’re curious, here it is. i actually have a lot but this one is for my slightly sad yearning andreil vibes. 

anyways, today we are covering punchdrunk by vaines. i really really enjoy this song for them and i hope i can covey it!! let’s go (:

I remember driving your car 'cause I never had one

And if I did I probably would’ve crashed it

And if I died who would’ve cared?

Maybe you would cry sometimes

Maybe you would just be fine

Because I know we weren’t in love

You just wanted to pass the time

(And that was alright)

the first line of this is pretty black and white. neil driving andrew’s car <3333 that’s it that’s the tweet. when he’s saying he’d crash one if he had his own its because he has to destroy a lot and leave stuff behind because of his past. he constantly is working to hide his past from the FBI. furthermore, he thought he was going to die for the majority of the books, and when he died, who was supposed to care? he had no one. it was this ‘me, myself, and i’ mentality because that was what kept him alive. he was constantly in danger, and when he was with andrew that’s why he made him take away the promise; he didn’t want andrew hurt because of his actions. by saying ‘maybe you would cry sometimes, maybe you would be just fine’ shows how he doesn’t think andrew actually cares ab him because 1. neil is an oblivious fuck and 2. andrew is a raging tsundere. andrew is always like ‘i dont like u’ blah blah, explaining the line ‘because i know we weren’t in love you just wanted to pass the time’ but neil was okay w it; ‘and that was alright’

I got it bad and I feel so lonely

Thought I wanted love I just wanted you

Now we’re together but you don’t even know me

But I’m stuck, what am I gonna do?

uhhh, like, poor fuckin neil man. he really had it bad for this man i really dunno how he survived when andrew was in the mental hospital HAHA. but fr he must have been so lonely, never allowing himself to make attachments, and then he makes this really skewed one with some midget maniac and then that same man goes to a hospital. that can’t have been a fun time (and it wasn’t).

‘thought i wanted love i just wanted you’, god, i love this line. remember when he looks at nicky and matt to see if he feels anything different? sees if he feels attracted to them, but he doesnt? he thinks he’s just craving affection after all this time, but no, its andrew he craves, it’s andrew he wants and chooses.

‘now we’re together but you dont even know me’ this motherfucker is living behind this silly ‘neil’ persona for a time when he’s with andrew and andrew only has this red headed man built of half truths. ‘now im stuck, what am i gonna do?’ he can’t run away like he’s used to because now he cares about andrew and he’s promised to stay.

Guess I’ll stick around

Being with you is only making me feel

Like I’m further from you then I’ve ever been

But I’m right there when you call me 'cause I’m so lonely

I don’t wanna bring it to an end

now, neil stays because he promised andrew he would, and andrew makes him feel so different and special and happy. but also while he’s with andrew he feels so far away because he isn’t being himself and andrew keeps denying whatever this,,, scuffed relationship is. but whenever andrew initiates contact, asks him yes or no, tells him to meet him somewhere or do something, neil is THERE in a heartbeat because he’s so caught up with the idea of andrew and he doesn’t want what they have to ever end even tho he’s convinced it will, one day, come to that point.

I remember feeling so young

Nothing's gonna bring me down

And if you jumped I would’ve followed

All the way down to the bottom

Better days are over now

Everything is slowing down

And you still won’t say it’s love

You just wanna pass the time

Fine

being with andrew brings him up, makes him happy, makes him FEEL something. nothing was gonna take him away from that. he would have followed andrew anywhere because he quite literally trusted andrew with his life. but the good days are over, (cut to baltimore) he’s being fucked up by his dad’s men and he thinks he’s gonna die then (cut to post baltimore) andrew does all this shit for him but STILL says he doesnt care ab neil and he just wants to pass the time. and neil is like, fine, what the fuck ever. if this is just a cheap fuck then by god im going to enjoy it while it lasts. and he’s starting to think andrew might feel *something*, but there’s no confirmation that can be seen by our lovely oblivious lil man.

Don’t stop, I know that it’s not what

I want but I need somebody to be mine

Oh god, I can’t tell you what’s up

I’m so deep in punch drunk, dumb love

I don’t ever wanna wake up

he doesnt want to be tied down. trusting someone and staying in one place for a long time? no. no way. that’s not something that neil abram josten does. he does not stay, he does not trust anyone, and by god he does NOT fall in love. but he gets to a point where he needs andrew. all he can think of in the hospital is the foxes and andrew, god, ANDREW, the prick he’s fallen in love with and can’t get out of love with. and he begs andrew to let him stay (post baltimore, hotel scene) because he NEEDS to stay, he NEEDS the foxes but more importantly he NEEDS andrew. but he’ll leave if he has to. he’ll leave if andrew asks him to because he cares more about andrew than he does himself, but he can’t explain any of this to andrew, because he’s never felt this before and he doesnt know what he’s even feeling. he just knows that somewhere along the line he fell head over heels into this situation for andrew and god he doesnt think he’ll ever be ready for it to end.

Got me brainwashed, everything is hazy

Am I killing time? Are you killin' me?

Mind games daily, why do I let you play me?

Do you get high watching me bleed?

(Now I’m bleeding out)

this part, for me, is more so a cut to the first book when andrew is just fuckin manic 24/7 because of his drugs. he drugs neil (brainwashed, hazy) and kidnaps him. neil is so stressed out by this situation that he doesn’t know who is winning in this stupid war he has with this psycho midget (am i killing time? are you killing me?). we all know andrew joseph minyard LOVES to torment neil even when shit is chill so he plays mind games with him constantly, and neil just lets it happen, because that’s who neil *is*. nathaniel wouldn’t stand for this shit, but that’s not the personality he’s portrayed and he isn’t eager to break character; not yet. and andrew always is so damn HAPPY, no matter what, bc of the drugs (again, first book for this verse). so the ‘do you get high watching me bleed?’ is like neil being like, do u really enjoy watching everyone around you hurt?? are you actually happy with all of this?

Running in circles while you hurt me, guess I deserve it

'Cause I just keep on worshiping you again and again

And I’m there when you call me 'cause I’m so– *beep*

I don’t want the misery to end

this part is a little tricky to explain canonically, i guess, but i attribute it once more to andrew denying his feelings. nora never explains it in the books, but i know from experience that this is SUCH a confusing scenario to be in. to have someone acting like they care and speaking differently. and neil must have been so confused (running in circles) but he feels he deserves it because it isnt like he’s trying to leave or anything, and he’s always there when andrew asks because like it or not, he’s attached. even tho this confusion sucks sometimes, and the whole hearted belief he has that andrew really does not care hurts beyond belief inside, he buries those feelings because he isnt ready to let andrew go.

that’s pretty much all of it; can you tell i’m obsessed with andreil?? i just love them so much. they’re so special to me. like, i dont think either of them ever saw a relationship coming; it just happened, and that’s what is so inherently beautiful to me about them. it started with a kiss, a ‘yes or no?’ and escalated from there. neil expected one day andrew was going to get bored of him, just like andrew always said he was. but he never did. he never will. 

so yeah!! hope u enjoyed xoxo see y’all soon <3

[bitofanattitudeproblemherondale]

There is no one, I repeat no one who deserves to live and be happy more than Neil Abram Josten and Andrew Joseph Minyard.

I said what I said.

[ao3feed-thefoxholecourt]

Last Words of a Shooting Star

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/2L9yPmA

by fairietailed

“We are not trophies to be won,” Mary said, and she looked down at her son, eyes blazing. “Remember that, Abram. We are not trophies. We are gifts. Ones that the humans around us do not always deserve.”

--

Andrew is a mercenary doing his best to keep his family safe.

Neil is a constellation full of secrets that is making his job very difficult.

Words: 766, Chapters: 2/?, Language: English

Fandoms: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic

Rating: Mature

Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply

Categories: M/M

Characters: Neil Josten, Andrew Minyard, The Foxes (All For The Game), The Monsters (All For the Game)

Relationships: Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard

Additional Tags: Fantasy, Magic, all canon compliant injury tags, Shapeshifting, mercenary Foxes

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/2L9yPmA

[aftgficlibrary]

Do you know any fics that are like marvel or dc AUs? Thank you!!

Totally! Have a bunch!-Remy

i taste blood byMarshmallowFudgeUp (M | 766 | 1/1)

Abram’s mother is dead. Nathaniel’s father is after him. Three months into hiding he meets someone who’ll change his life forever.

After meeting Andrew Doe working at a speakeasy (prohibition bar), Neil’s inspired to join the Army in order to avoid being found– but his big mouth and bigger moralities lead him to be America’s #1 poster boy.

And this is only the beginning.

The Bonds that Break Us byGreenninjagal (Not Rated | Incomplete | 1/3)

But that was the issue wasn’t it? He had always been alone. And even after Andrew had stuck his knives in him and took him apart, the dark haired runaway with no real name was still a problem.

***Aka Neil is a hacker, the Foxes are a SHIELD team, and Andrew wasn’t supposed to feel bad about betraying all of them.

It’s a cruel world, Mr. J bygluupor  (M | 1,401 | 1/1)

“And you? You think I’m a monster?” asked Andrew.“Maybe,” said Neil. “But I don’t think that monsters are born. They’re made.”

A Joker/Harley AU written for the Andreil Week prompt: mental health

Caught in a Web byClockworkDragon (M | Incomplete | 2/4)

Neil Josten is Spider-man. He’s had his powers for eight years and has protected New York for five. It’s a lonely life but Neil tells himself that the work he does makes up for it. Then he meets Deadpool, and though the merc insists he doesn’t care for the company of Spider-man, suddenly Neil doesn’t feel quite so alone.

I’ll be a Brand New Day byespeciallythezefronposter (T | 15,519 | 1/1)

Neil meets a man who looks a lot like his least favorite teammate, Aaron Minyard, and it ends up changing his life.

(A Winter Soldier AU, because this fandom deserves a Winter Soldier AU)

[crazy-fangirl2524]

Kevin X Food headcanon

Since someone requested this so here goes nothing ((yall can request any hc I’ll gladly write them))

Everyone knows Kevin is a diet freak, he only eats healthy food and calculates calories like his life depends on it

which was true since he is forced to eat heathly in the nest and if he even thinks about anything with sugar oh boy there’s this scar at the corner of his lips from a slap because he wanted to get an ice cream

The others rarely see Kevin eat anything unhealthy because yes even though he do sometimes eat ice cream if nicky’s buying it and when they go Waffle House he might order waffles like once in a blue moon.

But the concept of eating healthy was so drilled in him since he can remember that he can’t fathom eating snacks for no reason so he can’t understand Andrew’s high sugar intake and the others eating snacks casually like ???

But one hangover morning, Andrew and Neil are gone, Nicky and Aaron are still sleeping, and Kevin is starving and there’s no food except some snacks he knows are hidden by Andrew

Looking at the stack of snacks he feels his lungs tightening and he can almost hear a harsh voice speaking in Japanese.

His head splitting headache and nauseous stomach doesn’t help at all

He begins wielding the pros and cons of eating snacks for breakfast: if he doesn’t eat anything it might wreck his stomach and snacks can’t be that bad since his teammates eat it all the time and nothing is wrong? If he eats it, so what? No one will hit him and it’s not like one morning of snacks will ruin his ability to play, he will just work out extra hard this week and eat even more healthy

His stomach growling is the last straw and he closes his eyes and grabs a snack, it’s Oreos.

He is tempted to look at the nutrition facts but he knows it will just make the voices louder, the sound of wrappers opening sound like a whip on skin and Kevin flinches

I can’t let them control my life anger courses through his veins replacing the fear, fuck riko fuck Tetsuji fuck the ravens, he can eat whatever he wants.

Angrily he bites into the Oreo and he is taken back by the flavour that had exploded in his mouth.

He eats one, then another, and another, until he had finished all the Oreos.

He feels triumph for a second, then horror strikes him and he rushes to the bathroom, retching and heaving into the toilet, he can feel phantom hands tightening his throat, voices growling in Japanese

The whole month he goes to the gym everyday and doesn’t even look at anything that’s not nutritious

Just as he begins to forget the incident, the team goes to waffle house and Matt orders an Oreo milkshake and Kevin tries so hard to not look but he can still taste the Oreos a month ago and he doesn’t even realised how much he is craving it and Matt notices and wordlessly passes his milkshake to him

Kevin is flabbergasted and is like no, by now the team begins to notice and Nicky is about to say something but one look from Andrew and Neil he shuts up

With everyone looking at him Kevin can only give up and takes a sip, then another, and another, until there is only half left.

Kevin looks up, guilt and embarrassment written all over his face, but the genuine smiles on his teammates face makes him relax just the slightest

No one comment on it, but during movie nights, when Nicky passes him the Oreos, Kevin takes them without protesting and nibbles on one quietly

Everyone exchange a smile and if there is more Oreos lying around from then, then it’s not like Kevin cares or notices

[jeanmoreaux]

I would die for the happiness of Andrew Joseph Minyard and Neil Abram Josten

yeah, i feel you! they deserve to be happy together till the end of times. they are such an amazing power couple; the otp of the otps! 

[pynchvinsky]

in pieces

pairing: kandreil word count: 6146 rating: general audiences read on ao3

Until the day Riko broke his hand, Kevin had thought he was his soulmate. His whole life he had had a small black mark on his hip bone of a knife, a little bigger than his two tattoo. Riko knew it existed, and all it did was feed his ego. He himself did not have a soulmate identifying mark, but was so sure of himself that he was Kevin’s soulmate. That was just the way Riko’s sick and twisted mind worked, the idea that soulmates weren’t always requited wasn’t unfathomable to him. What’s the point in a soulmate if they won’t love you back? Kevin had thought.

But now he knew Riko wasn’t his soulmate. But if not him, then who? Kevin couldn’t imagine spending his life with anyone else, and not just because of the mark. If fate was to will anyone together wouldn’t it be him and Riko? Sometimes he thought that he was the only one who would ever love Riko, so it must be true. He realised it wasn’t when he left the Ravens. He realised this was not what fate had wanted for him, and he guessed he had to accept it.

The thoughts were easy to push away when he was preoccupied re-learning Exy with his right hand, and maybe he could forget Riko. And besides, he was at PSU now. He didn’t need to think about soulmates when he was playing, but the thought itched at him sometimes. Like when he was running drills and he saw the black outline of a pencil on Aaron’s index finger, or when Dan and Matt pressed their forearms together where their respective marks were.

Once he found out, he wished he never had.

He was in the locker rooms when Seth was thrown against the metal with a clang. He turned around to see Andrew holding a knife to Seth’s throat, smile wide and malicious. His hazel eyes had gone dark in a way that shouldn’t have reminded Kevin of Riko. Luckily, he could distract himself with his gaze set on the knife’s gleam.

Andrew was speaking through gritted teeth, and Kevin felt like the ground was turning beneath him and couldn’t concentrate on his words. He fiddled with the hem of his jersey, pulling it down over his mark. He could tell himself it wasn’t Andrew, but all of it seemed too convenient. With everything that had to happen for him to end up here, it could only be fate, though he was starting to like the idea even less.

Kevin had found out that Andrew kept his knives under his armbands from Aaron, but he wondered if his mark was under there too. He wanted to ask Aaron about his, which he had no way of hiding, it being on his finger, but rubbed over it with his thumb whenever he thought. Maybe he could ask Nicky, who would be more open about the idea, being open about… pretty much everything. But he wouldn’t know what to say if they asked about his. He could tell them he didn’t have one, or that it was for Thea. He couldn’t tell them who he thought it was for, he couldn’t tell anyone.

And he didn’t.

- Nathaniel Abram Wesninski was born without a soulmark. His mother had told him it was for the best, that soulmates only complicated things, that love like that would put him in danger. Her soulmark was a treble clef below her collarbone, but the skin was viciously torn by his father’s knife.

At 13, after seeing a girl whose soulmark was a crescent moon, he had taken a ballpoint pen and drew a sun on his arm where hers was. He’s just wanted to understand how it felt to have one, maybe imagine that one day he could. When his mother caught him, she scrubbed his arm clean and red raw. As she did, she berated him for even entertaining the idea. Her words still echoed in him.

“Your father didn’t have a soulmark either,” she had said. “You do not need one. Abram, you,” the scratch of the flannel on his burning skin tingled as a memory on his forearm, “need to stay alive.”

Abram decided he didn’t want a soulmate anyway. The idea terrified him. Nothing in his life was permanent, so of course he could never have a soulmate. He did know that it didn’t rule out love, even if it was not true, his mother had warned him of that too. Untrue love was just as dangerous, like his father had been for her. Dangerous.

But he fell in love.

In the year his whole life changed, the year he became Neil Josten, he fell in love (with Andrew Minyard no less). It wasn’t until after Baltimore that he saw what Andrew’s soulmark was, and his heart dropped when he realised Andrew had one. Andrew had a soulmate and it wasn’t him. The mark was a full black silhouette of a chess piece, and Neil didn’t even know how to play chess.

“Don’t ‘always’ me.”

Those words were like a punch in the gut. Neil was there, stark naked with his scars wrapped in plastic. Completely vulnerable. And Andrew wasn’t even forever, because nothing ever was. But this was something that had felt permanent. Now, he just felt naïve for thinking he’d be allowed to have love. Even now he was safe, he couldn’t have something like what Dan and Matt or Nicky and Erik had. He didn’t get a soulmate.

-

Andrew was seven when he realised what his soulmark was. Before then, it was just a weird dark mole, of a strange elongated shape on his wrist. He was playing chess with his foster sister, when he picked up the familiar shaped piece. No one had ever spoken to him about soulmates, he was too young, of course. But he knew what they meant. He inspected it, running his finger up it.

“You can’t move that piece yet,” his foster sister said, “there’s pawns in the way.”

He put it down, and moved the pawn. This was the only move he actually knew, having only begun learning the game that day. After that, his foster sister informed him that it left his king open to her bishop, and he lost the game.

He was in juvie when he decided that, maybe once, he was meant to have a soulmate. Maybe he was supposed to be the king to someone’s queen, but that wasn’t how things turned out. Now, he was too damaged for a soulmate to want him. He didn’t even like girls. A queen? He snorted at the idea. Andrew was not a king, and he felt sorry for the poor girl who had his matching mark.

People like him weren’t meant to have soulmates.

He’d found something else entirely though. Neil wasn’t his soulmate, he knew that. He didn’t even know if Neil had a mark;, if he had, Andrew had never seen it. Maybe he once had, but it was buried under all that scar tissue. His eyes trailed from Neil’s lips to the plastic covering his scars. Maybe it was here, he thought, fingers grazing over the burn that covered his shoulder. Or there, he grazed the scar on his abdomen, following the line across his hip bone.

“Don’t ‘always’ me.”

He wasn’t allowed this. This feeling in his chest that wanted to drag him forward, let him collide into Neil. He held himself back, a comfortable foot of space between them. He didn’t deserve this. He couldn’t have someone fall for him, he wasn’t someone who could be loved.

But he wanted it.

-

Eventually, the pieces fell into place.

Kevin had stumbled into the dorm reeking of vodka and something sterile, but what caught his eye was the bandage on his cheek. Eyes drooping and legs ready to give way, Kevin looked at Neil. Something in his eyes glinted with dare.

Neil made his way over the Kevin, slowly, and reached a hand to the bandage. He carefully pulled the tape away to reveal a chess piece where the number two used to be. His heart stopped. Kevin was Andrew’s soulmate. Did Kevin even know what he’d done? Was it fate that led him to get that tattoo?

But he’d done it. Soulmarks aside, it was an act of defiance against Riko. It was Kevin claiming his life for his own.

“You did it,” he said, trying not to choke on the words.

“Let Riko be King. Most coveted, most protected. He’ll sacrifice every piece he has to protect his throne. Whatever. Me? I’m going to be the deadliest piece on the board.” Kevin said in slurred words, with the confidence of the man inspiring an army and the cadence of a sleepy toddler.

“Queen,” Andrew said, appearing behind Neil. He watched Andrew step across the room to Kevin. He grasped Kevin’s chin to look at the tattoo, his finger even hovering over the shape. “He is going to be furious.”

Kevin and Andrew were standing impossibly close, and Neil couldn’t take his eyes off them. “Fuck him. Fuck all of them. Waste of time to be angry. They should be afraid.”

“Hell hath no fury,” muttered Andrew.

“Andrew,” Neil said. He stepped back from Kevin, hand falling away from his face. He knew what Neil was thinking, the thought made his wrist feel like it was burning.

“Now this is where it gets fun,” Andrew said, pulling his armband up just enough to reveal the black chess piece on his wrist that matched the one on Kevin’s face.

Kevin had to lean himself against the door to stop himself falling on his ass. “Is that-” he breathed out heavily. He’d known Andrew was his soulmate for over a year, but he was sure it would never be requited. Confirmation like that made him feel like he was falling, his whole body weightless and dizzy. “How the-”

Neil could hear his own heart beating loud in his ears, but Andrew’s voice cut through the sound. “This does not have to change anything,” He said.

“Of course not, you and Neil-” Kevin thought out loud, his mind buzzing with jumbled words. He’d thought something like this would have sobered him up, but it just made his head fuzzier and his legs shakier. He pulled himself back on track. “Neil,” he said as he let out a breath.

“It’s okay,” Neil said.

Kevin shook his head, “No, Neil. No it’s not.”

Neil’s shoulders slumped a bit, and stepped back from the other two slightly, teetering from one foot to the other. “It really is. I don’t have one.”

“You don’t have a soulmark?” Kevin’s face fell with the words.

Neil shook his head.

Heart heavy, Kevin locked his fingers around the back of his neck and breathed deeply. Neil looked from him to Andrew, whose face was as inscrutable as ever, but Neil could tell he was thinking. Maybe there was a slight squint in his eyes, or an even more distant look. But he was definitely turning it over in his mind.

“What do we do?” Neil asked.

Andrew raised his head when Neil spoke. “We let this run its course, what else can we do?”

“I’m tired of countdowns, of knowing things have to end.”

“Then we pretend this never happened,” Kevin suggested, walking past them to sit down. His head stopped spinning a little when he did, but he was struggling to keep his eyes open now there was no nausea to keep him from nodding off.

“They always talk about it like you’re supposed to know the moment you meet them,” Neil mused. “Like it’s some magical moment. Then again, we can’t rule out magic and destiny here- Andrew had the mark first.”

“Be quiet,” Andrew snapped.

Neil scoffed, “So we’re not going to talk about it?”

“Kevin, show us yours,” Andrew said, walking nearer to throw himself on the beanbag opposite him. Neil hovered above him, peering at Kevin when he slouched in the beanbag and pulled the corner of his waistband down a few inches. On his hip was a tiny black-lined image of a knife.

Neil snorted, “Well, that makes sense.”

“Neil,” Andrew said, his voice harsh with warning.

“What am I supposed to say, Andrew? How am I supposed to keep quiet when I find out your soulmate is someone else?”

“This is… strange for all of us,” Andrew said. “But it doesn’t change anything between me and you.”

“And what is that?” Neil bit back, refusing to return Andrew’s reserve tone.

Andrew didn’t respond.

Neil didn’t even have a soulmate, and never thought he would. This never bothered him, but seeing Andrew find his made him feel like he was being stabbed in the gut. And that is was Kevin made him hurt, because of course it was him. It made sense, that they were meant to be together. Kevin was there before Neil and would be there after, maybe it was dumb to think Andrew would ever love him.

He felt so close to them both, yet so far away.

Neil went into their room with a slam of the door. Andrew turned to Kevin, who didn’t even stir at the sound. He wasn’t sure when he passed out but his head was flopped against his shoulder and mouth agape with tiny snores. He sighed. That drunken drooling disaster was his soulmate, just his luck.

Andrew cocked his head to the side a bit, studying his face and supposing that he was attractive. That mattered, maybe, but that didn’t make him soulmate material. But what might is that he meant something to Andrew, being under his protection and what anyone else would call a friend. Neil was the closest thing he’d had to a soulmate or boyfriend- God, he hated those words. He hated the whole idea, he hated the stupid marks and he hated how much he liked Neil.

He needed a cigarette.

-

When Andrew woke up, Kevin was still passed out on the beanbag. He noticed that his shirt was riding up and the knife on his hip bone in clear view. Looking at it was disorientating, so he grabbed a blanket from the couch and threw it over him. Usually, Kevin slept like the dead, but this time, of all times, he stirred.

He squinted up at Andrew, then around the room. Not anxious, just observant. He stretched himself awake, groaning when he tried to get off the floor. When he pulled his arms up, he must have had a realisation.

“Oh fuck,” he said. He touches his hand quickly to the bandage on his face. Then he checked the time, “Oh fuck.”

“We still have another two and a half hours before we have to be at the bus,” Andrew said.

“Where’s Neil?” Kevin asked. His hair was a mess, and the creases of the beanbag had printed into his cheek when he slept. He reeked of alcohol and sweat still.

“He’s in his room, it is still early. You need to get your act together,” Andrew said.

Kevin furrowed his eyebrows, “Excuse me?”

“Have an aspirin and a shower, you need it.”

“I’m not even hungover,” Kevin insisted.

“Then you are still drunk.”

Kevin breathed out into his hand and sniffed, muttering under his breath. “You know just because we’re soulmates doesn’t mean you have to look after me.”

“I know I don’t, but this is important to you. We can talk about that after the game,” Andrew said, and Kevin wanted to rip his smile off his own face. He couldn’t like Andrew, he couldn’t hurt Neil like that. He cared about Neil just as much.

Now he felt hungover, sick to his stomach.

By the time Neil saw him, Kevin was showered and functioning, leaving him to wonder if last night had really happened because Kevin seemed unphased considering the state he was in. The only confirmation that it was real was the queen tattoo on his cheekbone.

Seeing Erik in the stands for Nicky, and the soulmarks on Aaron and Katelyn’s fingers wrapped around each other, or the anonymous black plus symbol on Wymack’s hand, only made Neil feel worse. All this love, surrounding even people as broken as the Foxes, surely he deserved it too?

He tried to mimic Kevin’s unshakeable confidence. There was no time for soulmates, or not-soulmates. They had to win; they’d come this far, and Neil wouldn’t let it be ruined.

-

The Foxes won. Riko was dead. Neil was safe.

He had a chance at a future now, and the wave of possibility came over him hard enough to knock him down. He never needed soulmates before, and now he had so much more to live for. He looked down the aisle of the bus, spotting his friends faces light up with glee. Everyone was giddy and laughing with disbelief. He was in love with the Foxes, in their fights and in their victories, he’d found a home with them.

He didn’t just deserve love, he already had it.

“Wipe that smile of your face,” Andrew jabbed at him, but didn’t mean it.

“Do it for me,” Neil replied back easily, his smile even brighter.

Andrew pulled at his shirt until he was inches from his face, “Why do you not have one?”

“I don’t know, Andrew. It doesn’t matter.” Neil said, not taking his eyes off Andrew’s lips.

“Yes it does.”

“It only matters if you want me to be your soulmate, and I’m not.”

Andrew sighed and pushed him away, slumping back into his seat. Neil was pushing his buttons again, he’d hardly had any time since the last night to think it over. He didn’t like not knowing where he stood. So he decide to answer Andrew’s question.

“My father didn’t have one either,” He admitted. “And he’s dead now. Maybe it’s because some people just don’t have one.”

“I refuse to believe that some higher power determined that I was to have a soulmate, but not you. You are implying he didn’t have one because he is a bad person, which just cannot be true. Even the most vile people on the planet have soulmarks.”

Andrew remembered the black outline of a bird on Drake’s kneecap, and was sure that whether somebody had a soulmate was not determined by their moral values.

“Why then?” Neil asked.

“Perhaps fate got it wrong.”

Neil raised an eyebrow, “Are you saying it should have been you?”

Andrew breathed out his nose heavily, kicking up his feet to rest on the back of the seat in front of him. “No. That is not my choice.”

“You should talk to Kevin. Though, it’s not his choice either.”

-

“You know,” said Kevin, “Riko didn’t have a soulmark either.”

“Is that supposed to be comforting?” Neil scoffed. The statement had came out of nowhere. They were both sat in their dorm doing homework and not talking to each other. They’d done a lot of that, not talking to each other.

“I don’t know what it was supposed to be,” Kevin sighed, picking at the loose thread on his sleeve.

“He didn’t have one and he’s dead now. My father didn’t have one and he’s dead too. Things aren’t exactly looking good for me.” Neil snapped, his chest rattling with anxiety.

Kevin pursed his lips, “But you’re safe now.”

“Am I?”

“I don’t know, maybe…” Kevin muttered, cleared his throat and then continued, “Do you think you don’t have one because you were supposed to die?”

Neil choked, “Fucking hell, Kevin, you-”

“No, no, no. Not like that, just-” He insisted, only stopping briefly to think about his next words. “You’ve had so many close calls, so many times you could have died. Maybe you don’t have a soulmark because you…”

“So what? I’ve just defied fate?”

Kevin let out a small smile, one that wasn’t supposed to happen, almost guilty. “I mean, if anyone is going to defy fate…”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You’re impossible, Neil. That’s what I mean.”

Impossible was the best word Kevin could think to use, but not the only one. Neil was so much at once, but acted like he was nothing. Sometimes Kevin wanted to shake him and tell him how amazing he was, and yell at him to start acting like it.

He couldn’t stop thinking about how he could have ruined things for Neil and Andrew. They seemed… Not happy, he didn’t expect that. But they were better together. And he couldn't stop thinking that he fucked that up for them, two of the people he cared most about, all because of the stupid tattoos. Was it this difficult for everyone, or were they all just so broken that their pieces couldn’t fit the way destiny wanted anymore?

“Are things still okay? With you and Andrew,” Kevin asked, turning back to his history homework to make the question seem more casual.

“Don’t worry you’re still next in line,” Neil murmured bitterly.

Kevin swallowed hard, “That’s not what I meant.”

“You keep saying that, that it’s not what you meant. If it’s not, then stop fucking saying it,” Neil bit, voice harsh.

They went quiet and tense for a long moment, neither of them even thinking to breath. Eventually Kevin stood up, picking up his books and saying, “If there is anything I can do to fix this, I will. I will not get in the way.”

“I don’t think there is anything you can do,” Neil said under his breath. Kevin left after that, leaving Neil alone with his work and his thoughts.

The whole thing was giving him a headache. Maybe it would be better if Andrew left him for Kevin, soulmates can’t be wrong, can they? But he’d gone through so much to be happy here, and it was working. He had his family, and his future, was he being selfish to want this too?

Your father didn’t have a soulmark either. You do not need one. Abram, you need to stay alive.

His mother’s words rung in his head, but what did they matter now? He’d avoided death, he was safe. Well, he was finally starting to feel it but what Kevin had said was making him feel like he was living on borrowed time. Maybe it was true, maybe he’d defied death and fate. He felt like he had. Only someone who had either had several skirmishes with death, or another 2 page essay to write, could be this exhausted.

It was a relief when Andrew got home, he could stop thinking about it now, probably. Andrew wasn’t in the chattiest mood so he wouldn’t bring it up, but it gave Neil time to think. Or it didn’t, because the moment he was through the door and sure no one was home, he walked over to where Neil was sitting and said, “Yes or no?”

“Yes,” Neil said, leaning up to kiss Andrew, who immediately wrapped his hand into Neil’s hair and kissed him back. Just like that, time stopped existing. It was just Andrew’s body against him and his mind couldn’t wander far.

When time came back, Andrew’s arms were resting over Neil’s shoulders, and Neil’s were still by his side. Andrew’s forehead hit Neil’s lightly, lips still close enough to feel each other’s breath. He was so close that Neil’s freckles crossed over into each other in a blur, but his bright eyes still stood out under his eyelashes.

Neil didn’t think this is how not-soulmates felt around each other.

-

Kevin had never been up on the roof with Andrew. He wasn’t scared of heights, but it still made him uneasy. He was only up there because he was sure Andrew was avoiding him. They said they’d talk about it after the game, and maybe he was just too caught up in victory to worry about it, but it had been days and he hadn’t managed to catch Andrew alone. So he actively made his way up to where he knew Andrew would be.

He was sat on the ledge, a cigarette hanging out his mouth. His eyes were distant and his face pale, the hood on his matching coat was pulled up over his head. It was only just starting to rain but Kevin was shivering. He raised an eyebrow slightly when he realised Kevin was there, “We should talk.”

“Yeah,” Kevin’s breath forced its way out with the words. He walked up to the ledge and peered over. “That’s not as bad as I thought. I still don’t know how you spend so much time up here.”

“Because you got the smoke alarm in the dorm fixed,” Andrew offered.

“And the roof is the only practical smoking area, I see,” Kevin nodded, he sat down next to Andrew.

Andrew put out the cigarette prematurely. It could have been out of consideration for Kevin, or he just got bored of it. “You want to talk about this, yes?” He said, holding onto the edge of his armband where his soulmark was, his thumb pressing over it. He could feel his pulse quickening against him, but he wasn’t anxious. He might have been scared- he’d already let Neil in, and it had felt like he was falling off the side of Fox Tower. He couldn’t do that again, it wasn’t safe.

But he wanted to. Oh God, he wanted to. He wanted to let go of common sense, of logic and the barriers he had around himself. When he was just protecting Kevin, he could still watch his own back. But falling for him left him vulnerable.

“Yes,” Kevin replied, nodding and the feeling stupid for nodding. “I want to know what I can do to… fix this.”

“There is no fixing it,” Andrew said, “We cannot change what our marks are, we just have to figure out what we do now we know.”

“And that is…”

“Up for discussion.”

Kevin sighed a laugh, “Okay, debate club, first argument?”

Andrew breathed in deeply, the dusty air that the rain brought up filling his lungs. He wanted to grab Kevin and kiss him to shut him up, but had to rationalize because that was not going to help. “As I see it, we have three options. One: Neil and I continue as we were, and eventually the impermanence of it breaks us.”

“Cross out option one,” Kevin said. He couldn’t bear thinking about Neil worrying constantly about being temporary, when he’d finally learned permanence.

“Two: I suddenly lose all sense, and leave Neil for you, with only the guidance of a misshapen mole on my wrist.”

“That doesn’t sound good either,” Kevin frowned.

Andrew was flicking at the corner of his packet of cigarettes mindlessly like he wanted another, he stopped when he said. “Neil aside, would you want to?”

“What?” Kevin asked.

“Would you want to…” Andrew struggled over the words to describe what Kevin could have with him, what Neil already had with him. It was different, and Andrew didn’t know how to put it into words, “...be with me?”

“I- I don’t know,” Kevin stuttered. He trusted Andrew, he could talk to him, and he was attracted to him, but he didn’t know what else he needed to feel for that to happen. He didn’t understand it. It was hardly that simple. “Would you?”

“I hate you,” Andrew said simply.

“That doesn’t answer my question, Minyard.”

“I think it does.”

“So, you don’t want to? You could just say that.”

“I never said that,” He muttered, favouring side-eyeing Kevin to staring out over the horizon.

Kevin sighed, “You’re impossible, Andrew.”

“This was never going to be easy, was it?” Andrew turned to him. He’d clearly thought more into how this conversation would go, whereas Kevin was too busy wondering if it would ever happen. Even so, Kevin had had more time to think about this, having suspected it was Andrew for over a year.

“What’s option three?” Kevin asked.

Andrew let out a tiny smirk, “Exactly what it sounds like.”

“I’m not following,” Kevin said, eyebrows furrowed.

“You, me, Neil. No complications, we let fate fix what it broke.”

Kevin stopped to think about that, looking out over the campus. It could work, he guessed. He didn’t know how Neil would feel about it, would he want to date Neil? Would Neil want to date him? There were so many things that had to be right for all three of them to work, and Kevin had no idea where to start. He was right when he thought that they were all too broken for to fit together how fate had wanted, this wasn’t quite what he meant by it though.

“Is that what you want?” asked Kevin.

Andrew stood up, “I guess we will find out.” He said before starting to walk away.

-

That night, Kevin didn’t come back to the dorm until he was picking Neil up for night practise. He hesitated at the door for a while, unsure about how he felt being in the same room as them both. When he mustered up enough courage, he walked through the door.

Neil was rushing around, sweeping up his duffel to throw it over his shoulder before he greeted Kevin. “Hey, sorry. We’re almost ready.”

“Where’s Andrew?” asked Kevin.

Andrew turned the corner out of their room. “Right there,” Neil said, smiling at him. His jeans were distractingly low on his hips and his hair pushed messily out of his face in a way that could only be Neil’s doing. Kevin was kind of frozen looking at him, but he snapped himself out of it.

“Ready?” he checked. Neil nodded and made his way to the door, throwing Andrew’s keys at him on the way.

Andrew was walking towards the car when he said, “Neil and I talked about it.”

Kevin could only manage an anxiously interested ‘oh?’ and waiting for them to continue.

“And,” Neil took over the conversation, opening the door and shuffling into the backseat of Andrew’s car. “The thing is, this is all new to me. Andrew was the first person I’d ever really felt attracted to, which is of course what made this all hit harder. I suppose I’m just not wired like everyone else, in the way of attraction. People don’t just catch my eye and then I develop feelings… I don’t know, Renee explained this better.”

“I’m following, keep going,” Kevin encouraged. Andrew then started the car and headed for the stadium.

Neil smiled quickly before talking again. “Anyway, the way that this felt, and the fact I’d never felt anything like it before, made me think maybe I didn’t need a soulmark… Because I had him. But after finding out, I was hurt. I felt stupid. But you, Kevin.” He leaned back in his seat and took a breath in, “I care about you in the same way- not like I care about Matt or Nicky or any of the other Foxes. Not like family. And I think, what Andrew suggested, I think it could work. So, I’m in if you are.”

“Okay,” Kevin nodded, glancing to Andrew.

Andrew watched Neil and Kevin practise from the stands. The warm lights and harsh orange gave him an odd nostalgic feeling of a timeless place. That’s what these practices were to Andrew, a place where time didn’t exist. It didn’t matter to him like it did to the other two, but he’d always used the time to think. Back when he was on his meds, it was the few sober hours he’d get. He could turn things over in his head uninhibited, and that’s what he did now.

He watched the two run drills with no interest in the sports behind them, he supposed he just liked to watch them move. They had a connection that Andrew couldn’t quite understand, and he wondered if maybe Neil was supposed to wear the chess piece on Andrew’s wrist. He thought it made more sense, those two together.

Neil needed Kevin, he thought. Well, not needed as such, but there was a piece of Kevin that fit him so well. They clicked together and worked in harmony on and off the court, but Andrew was far more interested in the latter.

As days and weeks passed, they learned to click their pieces together without breaking any. It started fragmented; tension when Neil and Kevin practised because suddenly those tiny touches over racquets were electric shocks, and Andrew slowly letting Kevin into his mind more. It was a cautious endeavor of soft touches and honest words. It was slow, but they didn’t get impatient, each new step and each new confession and each new touch was a thrill.

-

The first time Kevin and Neil slept in the same bed, it felt unreal. They’d never thought something would feel so easy, rolling in refusal to get up and pulling each other closer. They were only just waking up, with mid-morning light slicing through the room through a space in the curtain.

Neil ran his fingertips over Kevin, which he felt as a light tickle but was too lazy to argue. He smiled at the sensation, looking over to Neil, all messy hair and soft eyes. Neil traced the short lines of Kevin’s soulmark, studying it.

“Does it still bother you?”

Neil hummed shortly in thought, “No. I think this is what was supposed to happen.”

“So fate-defying is a nice boost to your ego?” Kevin teased, turning on his side so he could look into Neil’s eyes properly.

“It’s pretty cool: Neil Josten, defier of fate,” he joked back.

Kevin let his smile break into a grin and rested his forehead against Neil’s. He reached an arm forwards to run his hands through the hair at the back of Neil’s head. His eyes fluttered briefly closed at the feeling, and Kevin made a mental note to never forget how he looked when he did that and to get him to at every next opportunity.

“This one,” Kevin pressed his fingertip to a mole on Neil’s neck, “that’s your soulmark for me.”

“What?” Neil laughed softly, “Why?”

“Because I like it, it’s mine now.” He replied, then pressed his lips to it gently.

“What’s it supposed to be?” Neil asked.

“An Exy ball, duh,” he replied.

Neil surprised himself with how loud his laugh was in the quiet of the morning- it was just so nice to see Kevin allow himself to be ridiculous.

Kevin pulled away and inspected his neck, looking for another mole. There was probably one under the mark on his collarbone he’d left last night, but he skipped past that and chose the little freckle on his shoulder, “That one’s for Andrew.”

“It’s significantly smaller,” Neil noted.

“So is Andrew,” he almost whispered.

Neil imitated his whisper, “He probably heard that from the kitchen, you’d better sleep with one eye open tonight.”

“He wouldn’t wait until I slept,” Kevin replied. “Do you reckon we can get him to make breakfast? I don’t want to get up.”

“If you want pop tarts, then maybe.”

Kevin yawned, “I’d rather die.” Neil watched him stretch himself awake, rubbing his hands over his eyes and sighing. It was a long process, Kevin getting out of bed. Neil had half the mind to grab him and drag him out.

When Neil managed to get himself and Kevin out of bed, Andrew was nodding off on the couch. Neil noticed first, turning to Kevin and holding a finger to his lips. Kevin looked confused for moment before he saw Andrew. “Oh okay,” he whispered.

“Drew?” Neil said, a few feet back from where Andrew was slouched. Then repeated it louder.

Andrew awoke with a start, only untensing when he scanned the room to see only Kevin and Neil. “Asshole,” he muttered.

“Sorry,” Neil said, sitting down next to him. “You didn’t sleep out here, did you?”

“No, I slept in your bed since you two took mine,” he responded, shuffling up. Kevin sat next to Neil and turned on the TV to the news, clearly considering that if Andrew had to hear Exy this early in the morning he might actually kill him in his sleep.

The next out of bed was Nicky, who greeted Kevin first with a polite, “Jesus Christ, Day, you’re the worst third wheel I’ve ever seen.”

He wasn’t a third wheel though, maybe if they were one of those ridiculous tandem bikes, he could be. The weren’t cogs in a machine either, only working when they all fit together. They weren’t puzzle pieces to form a perfect picture. They were chess pieces, a strategy working best when together, and they could take your king down piece by piece.

[vlctorvale]

i was tagged by sb ( @callron ) thanks <33

rules: tag 20 people, answer 20 questions

nickname: nico or nicky zodiac: virgo height: 5′6 or 5′7 idk last thing i googled: the runaways live in japan favourite music artist: the neighbourhood song stuck in my head: strangers - halsey last movie i saw: adventureland what am i wearing right now: the maine tshirt and panties why did i choose my url: because i love my smol salty son neil abram josten and he deserves the world so why not honor him with my url ???

what did your last relationship teach you: trust no one religious or spiritual: spiritual favourite colour: black average hours of sleep: 10 on weekends and 5 on the rest of the week lucky number: 13 favourite characters: neil josten, andrew minyard, adam parrish, ronan lynch, inej ghafa, nina zenik, will herondale, isabelle lightwood, magnus bane, the list goes on.... how many blankets do i sleep with: 2 dream job: graphic designer

i have no clue how am i supposed to tag 20 people jfkmf so just feel free to do it if u see this on ur dash