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[ningningkittie]

🦨📓🖊️

[dirk-has-rabies]

Gender variance and it's link with neurodivergency

Okay so this is it going to be another long one

All quotes will be sourced with a link to the scientific journal I took it from

Okay Tumblr, let's talk gender (I know, your favorite topic) my preface on why this topic matters to me is: I'm autistic ( diagnosed moderate to severe autism) I'm nonbinary trans ( in a way that most non-autistic people don't understand and actually look down on)  and I went to college for gender study ( Mostly for intersex studies but a lot of my research was around non-binary and trans identities) I will be using the term autism as pants when I have experience with however when ADHD is part of the study I will use ND which stands for neurodivergent and yes this is going to be about xenogenders and neopronouns.

autism can affect gender the same way autism can affect literally every part of an identity. a big thing about having autism is the fact that it completely can change how you view personhood and time and object permanence and gender and literally all types of socially constructed ideas. let me also say hear that just because Society creates and enforces an idea does it mean that it doesn't exist to all people it just me that there is no nature law saying that it's real and the “rules” for these ideas can change and delete and create as time and Society evolves and changes.  gender is one of those constructs.

Now I'll take it by you reading this you know what transgender people are  (if you don't understand what a trans person is send me an ask and I'll type you up a pretty little essay lmao,  or Google it but that's a scary thought sense literally any Source or website can come up on Google including biased websites so be careful I guess LOL) anyway to be super basic trans people are anyone who doesn't identify as the gender they were assigned at Birth (yes that includes non-binary people I could do a whole nother essay about that shit how y'all keep spreading trying to separate non-binary people from the trans umbrella)  some people don't like to use the label and that is totally fine by the way.

now autistic people to view the world in a way differently than allistic (neurotypical) ppl do.  we don't take everything people teach us at 100% fact and we tend to question everything and demand proof and evidence for things before we can set it as a fact in our brains. This leads to why a lot of autistic people are atheist (although a lot of religions and this is not bashing on religious people at all I am actually a Jewish convert)  this questioning leads to a lot of social constructs being ignored or not understood At All by a lot of autistic people and personally I think that's a good thing.  allistics take everything their parents and teachers and schools teach them as fact until someone else says something and then they pick which ones to believe. autistic people study and research and learn about a topic before forming an opinion and while this may lead to them studying and believing very biased material and spitting it out as fact it can also lead them to try and Discover it is real by themselves.

because of this autistic people are more question their gender or not fall in a binary way at all as the concept of gender makes no sense to a lot of us. “ if gender is a construct then autistic people who are less aware of social norms are less likely to develop a typical gender identity”

no really look: “ children and teens with autism spectrum disorder ASD or Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder ADHD  are much more likely to express a wish to be the opposite sex compared with their typical developing peers” That was posted in 2014. we have been saying this stuff forever but no one wants to listen. the thing is gender variance (being not cisgender or at least questioning it)  has always been closely hand-in-hand with autistic and ADHD people I'm even the doctor who did that study understood right away that it all made sense the whole time: “ Dr. Strang said they were initially surprised to find an overrepresentation of gender variance among children with ADHD. However, they later realized that prior studies have shown increased levels of disruptive behavior and other behavioral problems among young people with gender variance”  SEE YOURE NOT WEIRD YOURE JUST YOU AND YOURE NOT ALONE IN THIS!!

5% autistic people who did the study were trans or questioning. it was also equal between the Sexes fun fact. that may not seem like a lot till you realize that the national average is only .7% that's literally over 700% higher than the national average. That's so many! and that's just in America.

 in Holland there was a study in 2010 “ nearly 8% of the more than 200 Children and adolescents referred to a clinic for gender dysphoria also came up positive on a assessment for ASD” they weren't even testing for ADHD so the numbers could be even higher!

now I want to talk about a  certain section of the trans umbrella that a lot of autistic people fall under called the non-binary umbrella. non-binary means anything that isn't just male or just female. it is not one third gender and non-binary doesn't mean that you don't have a gender. just clearing that up since cis people keep spreading that. non-binary is an umbrella term for any of the infinite genders you could use or create. now this is where I'm going to lose a bunch of you and that's okay because you don't have to understand our brains or emotions To respect us as real people. not many allistics can understand how we see and think and relate to things and that's okay you don't have to understand everything but just reading about this could be so much closer to respecting us for Who We Are from you've ever been and that's better than being against us just for existing.

now you might have heard of my Mutual Lars who was harassed  by transmeds for using the term Autigender (I was going to link them but if it gets traction I don't want them to get any hate)  since a lot of people roll their eyes at that  and treated them disgustingly for using a term that 100% applied correctly.  Autigender  is described as " a neurogender which can only be understood in the context of being autistic or when one's autism greatly affects one's gender or how one experiences gender. Autigender is not autism as a gender, but rather is a gender that is so heavily influenced by autism that one's autism and one's experience of gender cannot be unlinked.” Now tell me that doesn't sound a lot like this entire essay I've been working on with full sources…..

xenogenders and neopronouns are a big argument point on whether or not people “believe” in non binary genders but a big part of those genders is that they originated from ND communities and are ways that we can try to describe what gender means us in a way that cis or even allistic trans people just can't comprehend or ever understand. Same with MOGAI genders or sexualities. A lot of these are created as a way to somehow describe an indescribable relationship with gender that is so personal you really cant explain it to anyone who isnt literally the same as you.

Even in studies done with trans autistic people a large amount of them dont even fall on a yes or no of having a gender at all and fall in some weird inbetween where you KINDA have a gender but its not a gender in the sense that others say it is but its also too much of a gender so say youre agender. And this is the kind of stuff that confuses allistic trans people and makes them think nonbinary genders are making stuff up for attention, which isnt true at all we just cant explain what it feels like to BE a trans autistic person to anyone who doesnt ALREADY know how it feels.

In this study out of the ppl questioned almost HALF of the autistic trans individuals had a “Sense of identity revolving around interests” meaning their gender and identity was more based off what they liked rather than boy or girl. That makes ppl with stuff like vampgender or pupgender make a lot more sense now doesnt it? We see that even in the study: “My sense of identity is fluid, just as my sense of gender is fluid […] The only constant identity that runs through my life as a thread is ‘dancer.’ This is more important to me than gender, name or any other identifying features… even more important than mother. I wouldn't admit that in the NT world as when I have, I have been corrected (after all Mother is supposed to be my primary identification, right?!) but I feel that I can admit that here. (Taylor)” and an agreement from another saying “Mine is Artist. Thank you, Taylor. (Jessie)” now dont you think if they grew up with terms like artistgender or dancergender they would just YOINK those up right away????

In fact “An absence of a sense of gender or being unsure of how their gender should “feel” was another common report” because as ive said before in this post AUTISTIC PEOPLE DONT SEE GENDER THE WAY ALLISTIC PEOPLE SEE IT. therefore we wont use the same terms or have the same identities nor could we explain it to anyone who doesnt already understand or question the same way! Participants even offered up quotes such as “As a child and even now, I don't ‘feel’ like a gender, I feel like myself and for the most part I am constantly trying to figure out what that means for me (Betty)” and also “I don't feel like a particular gender I'm not even sure what a gender should feel like (Helen)”

Now i know this isnt going to change everyones minds on this stuff but i can only hope that it at least helped people feel like theyre not broken and not alone in their feelings about this. You dont have to follow allistic rules. You dont have to stop searching inside for who you really wanna be. And you dont have to pick or choose terms forever because just as you grow and evolve so may your terms. Its okay to not know what or who you are and its okay to identify as nonhuman things or as your interests because what you love and what you do is a big part of who you are and shapes you everyday. Its not a bad thing! Just please everyone, treat ppl with respect and if you dont understand something that doesnt make it bad or wrong it just means its not for you. And thats okay.

[seokmatthewz]

hello!!! it is ur resident woojong-loving fool, irida!! 💕💕 2020 was a shitty year but thank you for following me throughout it!! i am very annoying and bad at talking to people but i hope tht someday i can befriend as many of the wonderful people below as i can (if i haven’t already!!) below the cut are my wonderful mutuals (+some people who i don’t know if we are mutuals but ily!) thank you so much for all your wonderful content, and i hope 2021 is great to you!! mwah!!!

beloved moots if there’s a ‘☆’ beside your name there’s a lil note for you at the end!! but thanks again to all of you for making 2020 a little bit better!!

# - g

@99yh ☆, @absix ☆, @aka-ika, @alltoateez, @angelhyunjin, @ateezartblog, @ateezgf, @atinyz, @baejoonyoung ☆, @berryjaellie ☆, @choi-san, @choisanii, @choisans, @city127, @creker, @dreamboydongmyeong, @dumbbelle, @glossiers, @gncds, @go-saeng ☆

h - k

@haknew, @halahala, @hanbinist ☆, @hanbotaged, @heartsbang ☆, @himeaegyo ☆, @hongjoonim, @hongjooong ☆, @honjoong, @hoyoungy, @hueningkais, @hwisgf, @hwiyyoung, @hyunsung, @jaemtens, @jinlix, @johnni, @johntography, @jongupseyeliner, @junhee, @jwy, @kdongyoung, @konjoong, @kqtiny

l - r

@ladymaysworld, @leeseungjuns, @lilacwoo, @lkeonhee, @lovehui ☆, @mnkyeung, @nkamotoyuta, @oceanofaurora, @ongnielkangs, @park-seonghwa ☆, @prettyseonghwa ☆, @punksand ☆, @re-ika, @renjvn, @rotigf ☆

s - z

@san-hwa, @sanshine-on-a-cloudy-day, @seongshwa, @seonqhvva, @seungyoune, @shuhuas, @songmingki, @songmingkis, @sonqmingi, @subaek, @taeks, @taenho, @toaction, @ultchris, @wabisaba, @woo-san ☆, @wriggleygutz ☆, @wuuyoung, @xiaocity ☆, @yejiis, @yooyongha ☆, @youngjo, @yunhc, @yunhohs, @zangse, @zero-fever, @zhxngcl

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ─── ─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ─── ─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

nini - missus nini my sweet fairy pal!!! it was nice chatting with u a bit more this year!! we continue to b bad at msging each other KLFDKL but it is always nice when we do nd it was nice to complain to u nd bicker a bit!!! hopefully 2020 gets us the cute fairy/nymph/witch gfs we deserve!! lysm madam !!

han - han!!! my favourite clown ever ik i say this lots but i rlly cannot believe it’s only been a few months since we became friends bc i talk to u constantly KJFLDSJK it’s been so much fun talking to u and getting to kno u this past year!! our convos are always so entertaining and funny whether it is clowning u abt ur taste or us mutually bonding over ppl we don’t really like or me trying to get u to stan a group i always love to chat with you!! excited to watch more iconic dramas like mr. heart with u in the new year i love you!!!

alice - alice madam!! one of my most talented moots ever u r so cool nd all ur sets nd gfx are so gorgeous!! its so fun to interact with u from time to time (be it to clown u or get clowned), love u lots ma’am and i hope 2021 is fantastic for u!!

millie - MISSUS MILLIE!! my beloved pal nd wonderful hypewoman u are so cute and wonderful and iconic and it always makes me happy to read your tags and send you asks!! you are so funny and sweet and great and i’m so happy we r pals!! hope we can chat even more in the new year i love you the most!!! mwah!

kashi - kashi we have been moots for only a little while but i had 2 include u bc it was such a good time sending u asks for the stay secret santa!! u are so talented and sweet and i hope i can get to kno u more in the new year, esp since we seem to have so many fandoms in common!! u have impeccable taste mwah!! luv u!!

tori - tori u haven’t been on tumblr as much recently nd i miss u!!! hope tht u come back occasionally when ur a bit less busy bc ur always a nice nd funny presence on my dash!! love u the most i hope ur rats nd ur chickens are doing well as well as ur other pets!! mwah!!

karen - my beloved funky canadian pal!!! i am GOING TO MESSAGE YOU SOON I SWEAR I AM JUST SO BAD AT IT FJDKLKL missus karen we have been thru lots together and i trust you a lot and i’m really happy to have a friend like you who i can just say shit to without judgement!! you really are such a kind and wonderful presence even when we don’t interact for a while!! you sweet funky gal i love you!! i hope we can meet up again sometime when things are safer!! mwah!! happy new year!!

bia - wifey!!! my sweet beloved fellow jongho enthusiast i hope u are doing super well always even when we dont msg as much!!! seein u on my dash is always a good time and i am always wishing u well!! i hope we can talk more in the new year ily sosososoooo much!!! (also r u watching hyunjun’s drama JFKDSK i saw u talking abt it nd if u are we shld chat bc i am watching it too mwah!!)

lyna - LYNA MY OLDEST MOOT!! i love u sm nd i luv tht we still follow each other even tho we aren’t really in the same fandoms anymore!! u are always so kind and sweet whenever we interact and i always hope you are doing well and staying healthy!! i love u!!!

natali - nat!!! we haven’t interacted too much but we bonded a bit more this year and that is progress!!! ilusm madam all of ur sets are so pretty and wonderful and u are such a nice presence on my dash i hope we can talk more sometime soon!! mwah love u!!

yaz - yaz ik u dont use tumblr anymore but it feels wrong to make one of these and not include you in it FJKLDSKSL you know i love u more than anyone ur my beloved sweet wonderful platonic soulmate and i am always wishing you well i love you the most ever and i hope we are friends forever and always!! mwah mwah mwah!!

wren - king thank u for following me for yet another year when all we do is put random men on each other’s dashes DSKJKLD hope ur staying safe and hydrated and that u are doing well ilu !!! mwah !!!

sim - SIM MADAM MY BELOVED ANGEL PAL!! we don’t talk as much but i can’t pass ur url and not write u a lil note!! whenever we talk it’s always so fun FSDKLJSJDK even tho we are not in the same fandoms anymore i love u lots and ur presence on my dash is so pleasant and sweet!! hope we can talk more in the new year and even if we dont i hope ur new year is fantastic!!

vivi - vivi!!!!! it was so fun to chat with u a bit throughout this year and send u anons!!! u are such a pleasant and lively presence on my dash and ur gifs are so wonderful and pretty i hope we can chat more in the new year mwah!!

kurtis - bro so sorry u r still following me in the year of 2020 heading into the year of 2021 JKLFDSKL thank u for putting up with all the random kpop boys i put on ur dash i absolutely love u nd i hope ur always doing well and staying healthy!!!

siya - madam!!!! ilu!! ik we haven’t chatted much but i wanna talk to u more!!!! u seem so neat nd funky and ur always so funny when i see u chatting nd interacting w ur other moots!! hope we can become good friends and clown together some more ilu!!!

damian - my beloved fellow playm boys (or like. whatever they are now KJFDLK) stan!! we do not interact all that much but i am always hoping tht ur doing well and i hope we can interact more in the new year!!! all of our boys debut 2020 pls!!!

[nctdoingthings]

Bulleted scenario w smartypants kdy pt2

Aight so we left it at y’all acquaintances now. The library stuff doesn’t happen again bc, uno, this ain’t to all the boys I’ve loved before ok

We gonna make it kinda realistic

So both of y’all are ill which sucks since y’all did wanna go to school but whatever so u go to ur teacher during lunch to get the handout n catchup n ur teachers like ‘it’s an easy topic I’m sure you guys will get it but how about u sit down n work through it together n if u have questions ask me, ignore the ppl on the other side of the room they have detention’ n

Ur like aight yeet so u mainly work in silence apart from just checking ur answers with each other’s until there’s a question where u got differing answers so u ask the teacher n they’re like ok let’s go through it on the whiteboard and ur and doyoungs differing points get him rEally confused n y’all kinda riled n angry at each other thinking ‘you’re being such a dickhead’ but at each other, with ur eyes, idk fam

So the teacher is tryna work it out and you and doyoung are lowkey/Highkey bc the passive aggressiveness ain’t subtle insulting each other it was aLL GOIG GOOD UNTIL THIS ONE DAMN QUESTION FFS DOYOUNG WHY U GOTTA RUIN ITN

N then one of the kids in the detention r like ‘oooh lovers quarrel’ n snicker to themselves so u turn around like ‘bitch come at me so u wanna fight? Like legit I will fight u rn let’s fucking go Im not joking let’s fucking gO IM READY SWUARE UP MOTHERFUKER’

Doyoung is kinda like ?? Why u so sensitive do u like me or something and u just give him the bIGGEST EYEROLL LIKE BITCH JOT EVERYTHINGS ABOUT U PERHAPS IM STRESSED BC IM NOT GETTING THE QUESTION RIGHT DONT FUCKING FLATTER URSELF n he gets kinda embarrassed n the kids in detention r like oooooh bro u better say sorry or she’ll break up w u

So u roll ur eyes agAIN n mumble ‘just when I started thinking u were actually cool but no u became an arrogant dickhead again fucking wanker’ y’all I’m sorry I swear too much but there’s nothing I can do

Y’all just sit n the teachers like ok start of next lesson I’ll go through it bc I need to ask the other teachers but if y’all are done u can go

So u angrily but quietly pack ur shit up n go and doyoungs eyes follow u but ofc u don’t notice ur angry as shit

When u leave he walks after u n goes “hey yn Im sorry for pissing u off but seriously it’s not that deep?” N u just,,,

Bc this bitch really hit u with the ‘it’s not that deep’ so u just kinda puff ur chest out n walk up to him like ‘excuse u? “Is not that deep” who do u think u are?’ N he’s just staring down at u but more importantly at ur lips

He doesn’t reply, ur looking him in the eyes but his eyes are a little lower uno ;)))

So u and ur filterless mouth go “Kim Doyoung do u like me?”

Nd he ducking snAPS liek his eyes get widened n he takes like 3 steps back and has the dumbest face like ‘pshh no where’d u get that idea from?’ And u smirk u are sOoooooo smug rn bc it all cLICKS NOW

He made a joke saying “do u like me or soemthing” because he wanted to see if u would be up for it and kinda gauge how u feel about him

So ur like “oh my god Kim Doyoung has a crush on the dumb obnoxious girl who sits in front of him”

And he reddens and quietly says ‘no’ bc he wants to deny it but bITCH ITS TOO LATE U CAUGHT ON

So u smirk (for the 17th time) and say “we shall see, Kim Doyoung”

And u leave and he’s liek scARED SHITLESS BC HE HAS N O IDEA WTF YOURE GONNA DO

Y’all roll up to class the next day all chill, neither of u say anything but he’s watching uuuuu n ur very aware of it so you’re thinking hmm maybe I’ll tease him a little it’d be fun so u go up to ask the teacher a question n as ur walking back, everyone’s got their head down working uno, u wink at him n it sends him ducking wiLD like he jumps in his seat and the person sitting next to him is like bro u good???

So he just has to play it off like oh yeah I just thought I saw a spider

Meidbddhsid U love playing with kdy bc uR in control now.

U maKE the library thig happen again bc u wanna see him flustered bc it’s funny but like,, also,, kinda cute? Shdidbdj Maybe u kinda like him too?? Shut up no you dONT (u totally do)

The ppl who sit closest to u inclass have kinda noticed this weird energy where y’all don’t speak but U make a lOT of eye contact n express stuff through it so they might perhaps bring it up Doyoung and he’s like whAT no I just she’s annoying so I And theblesson the And Yeah.

They just ignore him like fuck it whatever it’s his life

After that class he decides to confront u bc he’s a little tired of being teased so he pulls u out of the corridor n into another one n says ‘hey look yes I like u I think ur cute and smart and funny and u might not like me back but I need some kind of answer I’ve been waiting for a while for some kind of reaction uno’

Suddenly u feel kinda bad for teasing him for such a long time so u go ‘ugh Kim Doyoung u big dope I might kinda maybe like u too? But idk yet? Plus uno school is really important and idk if either of us have time for a relationship...’ and he nods like ‘yeah I understand and you’re right actually, wanna walk to the bus stop together?’ So you do that but ur both mainly silent it’s kinda awkward

Next day u take the seat next to him in the library and maybe just maybe talks hands touch a little and you end up going to the library together like everyday almost like a study date

You guys don’t speak you just work together quietly next to each other

And then perhaps get some food after

Make watch a movie

Perhaps Kiss a little ;))

U might not have time for a full relationship but what’s wrong with a little fun??

Ok dONE!!! I’m currently sitting on the toilet sibdirbeifd. I might like upload this (edited bc I used the word like soooooooooo many times and I probably made typos n shit) on @eggjorp idk maybe I’m not bothered so once again hope this was fun have a nice day I love Kim Doyoung ~ EJ @eggjorp or @ej-reading-blog or @thebritishchildren bitch take ur pick ;)

[shanayaaaa]

it's getting bad again. too much is going on inside my head right now i want to fade from existence nd make everyone's life better. its sickening how much i fucking hate myself. i don't know how much longer i can stay like this. i’m so exhausted from everything again i dont even want to wake up anymore. no one even notices me, they say they do but- it's been a week since ive talked to them. i forgot that in order to speak with them i have to message them first and its so fucking exhausting so i just gave up on them, it's not like they would care anyways. they are better off w out me. ive made so many promises and yet manage to fuck every single one. maybe I'd be better off dead. trying to get better isnt easy- it's not helpful, is it even worth it? is getting better worth going thru all that trauma, pain, suffering and exhaustion again? i feel like shit any time i'm having a hard time because I gotta be there for everyone else yk? i prefer it that way too, i hate myself too fucking much to even care if i havent ate in a month, i just want everyone around me to be okay. honestly i don't think i'll ever love myself or think i look good until I look so fucking fragile, it terrifies me sometimes. honestly i wonder where i went wrong in life to make everyone fucking hate me but i guess thats what i deserve for being the shit i am. i deserve all of this shit, all this pain, trauma all of it because i simply exist to be used for everyone's pleasure. i wish I could just fall asleep amd never wake up again, I cant- do this anymore but I'll keep living because i know if i go- too many people will follow me to the grave. so i live to let them live, they deserve a better life even if it means i gotta stay stuck in a rut. my own parents can’t even look me in the eyes anymore. that’s who i have become, a disappointment. ppl try to hide it or lie that they care abt me or aren't disappointed in me but i can tell they are, i always do, i fucking see it in them, in their texts, in how they talk to me, how long it takes to get a response from them, or even their hesitation. it just sucks watching them have to pretend to feel any type of sympathy for me. i would rather them just tell me they dont want anything to do w me and just leave. that would hurt less than them having to pretend. i want to say im not gonna give up but honestly i think that i gave up a long time ago and am just masking it with bullshit excuses.

03-10-22

[theday]

30 song tag! thank you for tagging me @astrofireworks this looks super fun ;-0

rules: answer all questions then tag 3 people you follow and 3 the whole fucking world people that follow you that you want to get to know better.

1. a song you like with a colour in the title? almost said coloured by astro lmao but dark blue - jack’s mannequin

2. a song you like with a number in the title? 12 through 15 - mayday parade

3. a song that reminds you of summer? breathless - astro (its the title track for summer vibes how could i not)

4. a song that reminds you of someone you’d rather forget? hm theres no one that affects me that negatively but i guess any 1d song?? live while we’re young maybe?

5. a song that needs to be played out loud? lean on me - day6 any of day6′s rock songs tbh

6. a song that makes you want to dance? .......... was gonna do dance dance but lets try nd keep this to one artist per question hdhdhjd shut and dance - walk the moon

7. a song to drive to? hhhhhhhh i automatically thought of im serious bc they were in a Car but,, i like me better - lauve solely bc i kept hearing it play on the radio

8. a random song you first think of? i wanted 2 put this alongside the sad song but since i hadnt answered this yet goodbye winter - day6 hehe i broke my own damn rule but who cares day6 have over 30 songs u cant expect me to not have one for each question like..... its day6

9. a song that makes you happy? from zero - monsta x it cheers me up and whenever it comes on shuffle i smile tm

10. a song that makes you sad? well. every day6 song since all brian writes are break up songs ;-/ but i loved you especially.... also jet black heart - 5sos if i wanna b diverse here if you don’t know kills me too

11. a song you will never get tired of? fuck diversity all in - monsta x its one of the few songs i dont skip OH ACTUALLY,, check yes juliet - we the kings

12. a song from your past? huh... girlfriend - avril lavigne (wdym its been 8 years omg....) i never kno how 2 spell her last name and fireflies - owl city (this was 8 years ago too??>>C>>DS?S?/)

13. a song that’s sexy? LMAO crazy sexy cool idk hm... how .. long...?????hDGHGHHGDHGGDS IDK!!!! theres this song my friend recommended me 2 listen 2 its called hatefuck by cruel youth so i guess that idk im a whole shrug emoji on this one

14. a song you’d love to be played at your wedding? oh..... oh w0rmth.. honestly ?? sekai wa koi ni ochiteru - chico with honeyworks

15. a song you’re currently obsessed with? hm..,,, rewrite the stars - zendaya and the guy from hsm

16. a song you used to love but now hate? i wouldnt go as far as to say hate but most says i listen to get skipped by me whenever im on shuffle sodhjhdhjs?? everything??? theres no real song i hate i like everything

17. a song you’d sing a duet with at karaoke? im laughuhfdjhfjhjs please one time i went to the karaoke with friends and shouted the lyrics to i need u - bts and some other songs so that maybe??

19. a song that makes you think about life? wow thats deep ! idk there isnt any but i like listening to ghost rule - deco*27 (ft. miku) while dissociating its like netflix and chill expect theres no netflix just a lot of chill oh another one; never lost word - jin (this one is rly good ok)

20. a song that has many meanings to you? h..... northern downpour - panic! at the disco bc its the first song.. this one buddy of mine recommended me,, 

21. a song you think everyone should listen to? beautiful - wannaone

22. a song by a group you still wish was together? ah. aoi shiori - galileo galilei

23. a song that makes you want to fall in love? you had me @ hello - a day to remember 

24. a song that breaks your heart? like we used to - the rose oh man this one too the way sou sings this like my wig and me r both cryig? 

25. a song with amazing vocals? i like you - day6

26. a song with amazing rap? HAHAHHDDHGSGHDGH dramarama - monsta x also sing me - day6 (live vid bc the feeling you get is insane) dont say goodbye baby like miss a ! omg watching that vid of day6 made mehjfghdhhgs i miss them here’s another vid that goes straight to brian’s rap

27. a song that makes you smile? memory - direct (mr fijiwiji remix) alternatively, death of a strawberry - dance gavin dance

28. a song that makes you feel good about yourself? hjhhdjhjd theres none so heres a song i like :D メトロノーム - kenshi yonezu

29. a song that you would dedicate to you and your best friend/mutual/someone close to you? my day - day6 everyone is my day,,, (baby you’re beautiful) and say wow (because all of you make me say wow)

30. a song that reminds you of yourself? i know.. i know i keep doing day6 but hjhjhjdhdh!!!!!! better better - day6 also i bring the weather with me - the amity affliction 

and that concludes the end i know ppl wont check the songs out (no problem!) but linking is fundhfdhgdghhfg anyway taggin @tokayhk and @wonhoslisp alongisde @ilovedowoon @whonpil and @younghyuuns (myday mutuals try not 2 use a day6 song for every qn challenge)

vivi thank u so much for tagging m this was ?? rly an experience i love it :-D

[thebiggest3vil]

STORY TIME! #2: I Got Cheated On And Embarassed In Front Of My Whole School😂😢😂 (*Funny!/ Fucked Up!)

So for this story time I'm gonna tell you about how I got cheated on . It's funny but fucked up at the same time so if you like reading then this is the post for you! So back, relax and read how I got PLAYED 😂.

So the first day of HS starts up and ya know things are different. Ya boy is a Sophmore and after a very weird freshman year of HS I started to find my way. I had more friends , I hit a growth spurt after being 4"11 and under my whole childhood life, I had a summer job so when I came back I was drippin in that Armani Exchange (Remember that store!? Damn) So when I came back my dress game went from like a 3 to a 12 and I don't care if that don't make sense it's my story lmao.

(Ok So where was I....OH Ok sophomore year)

So the day goes by and it's time for Gym. Now everyone knows that the first day of gym ain't really gym it's just niggas sitting on the bleachers and for 30 minutes and MAYBE they bring the basketballs out for the last 15. So I goto the bleachers and I see my mans at the top and I'm like "Yeoooo !!" And he went "Ayo boul!!" And that's how we signalled each other at the time lmao. So we sitting waiting for class to start and a bunch of kids walk in (I'm not paying them no mind) and as they got closer to the top all I hear is my name following "YOOO CUZ IT'S BEEN A GRIP!" I look over and it's my bro from my track team . At this point I'm like hype I got my homie in by gym class followed by my other homie...nigga gym was so tough. So as I dap him up these 2 girls walk behind him. One was kinda cute, Brown skin ass was glorious. The other was a lightskin girl, kinda tall was BAD (at the time) omg and I had my best shirt on nd shit I was fly but I'm not really worried cause all my niggas are in gym with me and when has that....ever happened when ALL your niggas had the same class besides lunch. So we sitting and my bro from track called me over and we started catching up. Out of nowhere the lightskin girl grabs my shoulder and asked what my name was (mind you was staring deep into my eyes like nigga my soul, I was beside myself) I told her my name and I went throughout my day.

So like a cool 2 weeks passed and ppl telling me "yoooo Brittney likes you" (Ima call her Brittney cause it's my story lol) mind you at this point it's been established by the brotherhood rank system aka period 8 lunch who were the baddest in school and everyone was tryna talk to them. They were arguably the 5 baddest in the school and niggas were on their heads. Now my one friend bagged one if them on the spot and the other one was already cuffed, but for them to tell me the most sought out one wanted me!? NI-GGA! I was feeling my self I started wearing shit I didn't usually wear to school (side note: I wore this Armani T shirt with the Black true religion jeans and some polo boots with this Hugo Boss jacket I was fly) Anyway weeks go by and I'm in music class talking to to homies and I tell them like yo....im bout to talk to Brittney....the problem was....

Brittney was the ex of my bro from track! So I'm like damn you my homie I'm not gonna do that to you etc I'm like I'm going to chalk It up, he goes "nah bro you good go head we friends but we broke up years ago" (THIS LOW-KEY WAS A WARNING But my dumb ass wanted a girlfriend so I'm like bet where she at?) Ok ok remember how HUGE MySpace use to be? Remember this.: So fast forward I ask for her number and she didn't have one cause idk but she had a house phone plus she added me on MySpace. So on MySpace that's were I started spitting THAT GAME and long story short I changed my relationship status from single to taken and THAT. SHIDD. FELT. GUUD! That shit felt like every nigga in that school had a shot and I came through like M'Baku like "Essssss challuuunge deeeeey" . You couldn't tell me shit , plus we had the same spanish class so we were out her being a couple nd shit and for the moment it was all going great.....until....

On one Friday it was a big ass party and instead of going I went to my Cousins house cause tbh fuck them parties they last like 1 hour always. So the weekend ended and Monday rolls by mind you I was getting calls from random ass numbers and I dont answer those like that so when Monday came around we had a fire drill and as SOON as everyone was outside and saw me they ran to me. I had atleast 8 people Coming up to to me saying "Dog bro you my mans get your girl she was at the party all up on some other nigga". me being naive as fuck is like " brittney? My baby? oh nooooo I don't believe yall shut up" but in the back of my mind I'm like ....wait....coikd she? Naah...so I go ask her and she immediately denies so I'm like ok cool. This was around the same time "rumors" started spread around the school that she was out here for the whole team was thottin and when I brought that up she goes "ww...well...that's not true who are you gonna believe your so called friends or someone who loves you?" AGAIN Me being a dickhead I'm like " Yeaaah baby Bonnie and Clyde, Hov and Bey, Angelina and Brad , we all we got! "(I'm laughing writing this cause I was like this..) Now along the way it was signs that were happening that I thought were weird. She would Always have "family" over or her "cousins" just came over out the blue and she had to get off the phone... 😂😂😂( I know man I know laugh! GO AHEAD! Its been almost 10 years fuck yall for laughing 😂🤣) Nd I'm like for an only child you sure have alot of family coming through. So the noise of it all started to get to me and I was over here questioning the relationship. I had a homie tell me to me face "Bro I do not want to see you get hurt and if you keep talking to her we NOT cool" so that night I'm like it's too many signs and tbh I don't wanna be with you anymore (even thoe I did....i did like fuck and I was acting like a bitch) so we broke it off and that's it.........WRONG!

Remember when I told y'all I was in love like a dickhead....well not even 3 days later we got back together cause she "missed me like crazy" and I'm like "baby I miss you too ajdgssnsjdndkd!😂" so we back together and like for them 5 days we were cool....the 6th day....nigga so I stayed after school with her and she was talking to me about Spanish tutoring and how this other nigga in my class was taking tutoring and that we should go....problem was the Spanish teacher got sick and cancelled so we stayed until the 4:00 bus...for her since she lived close it was the 2:45 shuttle so we kissed and she left. Fast forward to the after school bus my step sister stayed after with me and as we were riding back home she scream my name and says "Hey do you still go out with Brittney!?" Me confidently I'm like yeah whassup? She goes "Well hold on they talking bout she goes out with the one boul aka the NIGGA THAT WAS GETTING THE TUTORING IN SPANISH! I felt like a dickheaaaad on the bus. So many emotions, I felt like my lil bitch ass heart was ripped out, so I went home and called her she said message her in MySpace for right now. Thus is where I bring MySpace back.....how about I look on her shit and She put Boul in her TOP 5 behind me!!!!!!!! I was livid so.....

I messaged her like " Yo, are you and Bro talking what's going on...?" She hits me with a........

"Well I thought we were just friends talking " I was so angry I was like (From what I remember I wish I knew my account info but to sum it up I said ) "BITCH how dare you do that to me I loved you and you disrespected me you punk was blah blah blah " I wrote shawty a whole book angry and after I shut my laptop off.......and cried.

Smh lmao so my step sister growing up never like to see my super upset so idk HOW but she found her house number and I could hear downstairs her arguing with her nd etc. I didn't care I was upset I went on my MySpace and changes ALL my profile songs to breakup shit. Damn near a Chris Brown playlist I was HURT! I was writing cryptic ass messages talking about ima be lonley forever and yeah it was BAD! but eventuall I got over it....and the following Monday she ran straight over to me at was like "oh I'm sorry I really am and I'll get rid of all my contact and etc etc. We gotta spread some rulesnif we wanna make this work" I wasn't tryna hear dat shit. So in the end I said fuck it and we wentniur separate ways. I don't have any hate towards shawty but it was fucked up how I happened. Looking back, everytime I tell this story it gets funnier cause I was sprung. But yeah that's how I got Cheated on.....Never again thoe😂😂😂

[the-reactionist]

begging

for some reason [US's crazy fear-based policy to not trust easter European states with their internet privacy stuff] i can't write emails so i am posting personal stuff here; sorry MESSAGE: i have to post more often here as writing about issues helps me resolve them and understand them deeply; i never find the time ad strength/energy to; i need to make it my priority, though, because i can; i have the power too, so i’m obliged to do so;the pain whe delving in the wounds by teal swan’s methods, is too large to handle, though; she mst have bee treated real horribly to have that incapacity to relax within herself; because healig hppens with time; nd time ca heal anything; yet she is so restless in her death-cult-leader-scapegoat programming, that she has no time to deal with her issues and overcome them fully from within, to embrace her trauma and demonstarte to us her teachings emodied - what it looks liek to have overcomeyour trauma, physically; nd that is what we need; because ppl like myself, we follow, by example; so teal, your followers who have pened up not merely their minds but their hearts to your presence, need you to heal your inner child and go to other levels of expressing the truths you are embodying, because you don’t have time, ad we don’t have time, physically, to wait our entire lives; i have seen a decline in your activity and i saw a short fb video two or three years ago inw hich you explained you need to work more closely to the people so you are changing your course of teaching/actions; but i think that being i the flashlights IS what you have the power to be doing; beign amidst all the controversy;and i think that you still have lingering uresolved childhood torture and unimaginable abuse trauma; but i eed you to overcome it; i’m dying,i can’t hndle my issues and i need you because you are strg, you have before, and you can; PLEASE, be there for me, and please, teach me; i love you and i trust you, and moreover i do believe in you; please teach me in your ways btu the things i need for my expansion and development, which i feel is not simply mie but is the communnity’s; you are capable of leading us to the next levels; which is owning pour realities and being masters to the extent we all individually can; please do that for me/and others whi are erady for your hardcore strength ~thank you i feel like ale, a lot - when he pursued you, teal, and you didn't look at him at first, because of disbelief, i suppose; i am ready for you and i want you both for my and your sake; it is actual bonding, and i am not even joking - i mean it; iu know you are always asking your audience for questions to make videos on; and i am trying to write from years, but i can't; so instead i created blogs and fb groups, and pages, all related to your teachigns and how i interpret them for my life, ad how they help me grow; i need to work more completely with your mind, because when combining other spiritual philosophers' calmness with your catalystic power and depth, and structure/ logic of understanding, i become completely different - empowered to unbelieveable extent https://the-reactionist.tumblr.com/post/187233997680/benevolence-unconditional-love-the-innate i am sorry i have not enough money to buy your things - meditations, courses, workshop passes, retreats; i know they cost very little, but i can't hndle my life and i am not financially independent; but i love you, i want you to experience i 3d your fullest potential and capacity ebcause you rock, you help me every time, so i beg, please somehow connect to me in the spiritual plane so i can give you the srengths i am carrrying to hep you resolve, in time, your leftover past trauma - and it's a lot, i see it still, so that you can rock on life as you want to, and not keep stuck in these patterns of self-mistrust and victimhood, and powerlessness; you are gREAT, but unlike many of us - literally; and i am very very excited by you, on every single level,so you truly catalyze change i me, on a molecular, subconscious, sexual, physical, and though levels - hi5 for dat! because i'm hardcore too, eyt you manage to get through to me; i need you more, though, because i am workig with a lot of trauma myself; i have bee put in psychiatries by my parents because i started speakig about things they don't want to hear and maybe it wasn't tiem for them to; but sorry to be so hones - i see in you a sort of restlessness that is not helping the peoplewho depend on you to be helped and uided on our ow journeys/paths through reality; and you can help us; many more than you are targeting presently, in fact; your inner child feels unheard ad unexpressed, though, so in my view you still act a little irresponssibly, exerting your powerfulness in ways which are uhealthy and not deep enough/mature/rooted; maybe i'm too needy, as i have been to my mother, to my loved one, to my spiritual teacher/sect leader/first sexual partner,and i am to you now too, but i am needy, i am human, i am breaking - in body, and i spirit sometimes; im sorry; i am truly breaking/soft. and i think this is the genuine human condition; and i liek your power but i NEED to be protected by it to be fully myself and give MY gift to the wrld -w hich is mthering, care, heartful compassion and being there and holding space, but from the heart-space, not physically, and not so mcuh mentally, because i am not very educated in philosphies, and i have poor strength in that faculty; i am more basic, primitive, and i dont really feel ashamed by that; i am the powerful people's job, as the tao te chig goes; so i beg you - i can't do with teachings i the way your power/energy demands; there are thse whi are that physically strgn, but i aint; and i can't be; peopel have tried to train me but i'm too connected with teh feminiity and teh earth aspects of human beings to be able to overcome those - i am NOT a shaoulin monk, although i love both you an dthem all; i feel respect ad am honored to be residing on earth among peope like you, but i am sexually drawn to your types of strength and endurance - i wanna bear childern to the kids of you; i am NOT liek you 

i’m an old person/elder type fo being; i need to nourisha nd provide for your vigor and power to be manifested in reality more safely and completely i feel towards you the same way i feel towards the man i am fully in love with but i can’t get to him because footh of our unresolved issues ad i beg for help because i want to resolve those - our issues aren;tours alone; we care about/for others’ problems, that si why we can’t hande our lives; so i that way we are much like you; and i am like you in many ways; i wish i could communnicate to you - and i will ebcause i should - i blog posts, if i can find energy to, which i can’t... i’m so sorry but stress is killing me literally - i develped diabetes since my stepfather dies eight years ago and now there is noone to take acre of my basic needs  financially and emotionally,a s supprt; so i breakdown; but i knw you can help me becaus ethsoe stuff don’t touch you; and i can help youw itrh stuff that dont touch me; or i have been a hero through, makig my way out of them;

sexual trauma ad abuse of femininity, is my specuialty, i believe; i am a one who in their love for humanity, their femininity and themselves, has raped themselves to try d develop compassion for those things humns do to each other - rape, abuse of feedom; i am thtat string in my plan for this incarnation; but i have been messed with, energetically and sexually - by a cult/sect; so i have lost my strengths and many of my point of stremgth - my stepfather being one of them; he is someone from my sould-family/group,and my grandmotehr has managed to manifest him into my reality to help me through life;

but he die physically, and his loss is unbearable, i have nothign to stand on and i cn’t handle my frmer tasts without taht kid fo support; that is why i am reahcig out t you; and i ave erached out to suzanne lie, sadhguru, and many thers for support; my lover/peron taht i am lin love with, AND his father, too -i have written to them and asked for suport dicetly, because i can and i need it; i am that in love withmyself that i have the capacity to ask for what i want when i eed my  eeds met; i want you to have that fr yourself, tio; let me etahc you soemhow, lover

i read you as an incarantion of shiva; i love this being’s energy and how sexual and open with sexuality he/it is; i am much more feminine in nature though; which is a weakness; but i need help to overcome it, or try to, as i have promised, in my soul contract; i am running out f time because i am runnign it of energy; my soulmate/’twin flame’ partner/the boy i love and wanna marry and have child with is running out of his shin as well, his essence, his power; we have both depleted our chi through mastrubatig and abuse of our chi; you - no; you have that fire strong within you; please help us with guiding to vercome our foolish weaknesses and purge from our actual sinfulness - devoted to earthly elasure in a society that udnermines a persons needs for that type of pelasure; so tahtwe and many more can heal from thise types of stereotype and thinkig and go on with life; i cant by myself; my loved person has ecaus he’s younger an dhas different energy - he is much liek you; liek curt cobai, like jeff buckley ad others; you rock the world, you are strogn with or without others; i am not; i  need others to grow still; i’m sorry i can’t be strger at this point; i am just t and i lose my mind when they want me to; i am a primadonna, an italian belcanto style opera singer type of person, and my femininity is such; and i have no shame for beign this wqay; i need your type of masculine scolding to refresh my poits fo view and receive revitalizing energy to grow into a best version of myself; better tahn i have been thus far; but you eed to be scolded by the lieks of me and becoem more herty and softer in your capacities, too; because i am a mother to you and th elikes of you - taht is ewhat i can; and i desire your kind sexually which is fun and awesome but it makes me frustrated a lot, too; look, this is nto a lustful invitation - idesire lustfully my neigbour who is a national chamion in hockey for my coutry,and the boy i mentioned ver  a thousand times thus far, ebcause i need actual physcial sex; and i like men; i am to girls a prtector and support; or have been, t put it more accurately - now with my stepfathe rgone, i dot anymore have the strength to tdo taht msot of the time’  idot desire girls sexually; more than one man, yeah, but girls - i cant handle in my heart; s sorry but iam not meanign my words in a direct physical way, but mor e enretically; i really love you - which is a neediness expression in itself; i feel like this when i’m saying these words to you 

Khajurahu, India

Ishtar ~Venus, Messopotamia

i feel my sacred feminine energy explode whenever around you; the spiritual catalyst - imma do a post specifically on how i see your energies linked to Quanyin and the sacred feminine; but as i have heard you speak before, you feel much more connected to your masculine energy so far, thus i’m gonna address you in the way i feel you as Lord Shiva/ the sacred masculine

i wanna #support YOU

.....

[aerisse-remade]

so i finally decided to answer this ship question thing i rbed awhile ago just bc i feel like talking abt ships. everything is gonna b under a cut + no ships are going to be tagged so if u find this thru the search function then ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

this is also very long

1. honestly?? probably raven/starfire. ive shipped that since i was like 5 or 6. i cant really say much abt it bc it's never been real important to me, tho i still like it

2. ig 3 important ships throughout my life have been mayutei, negitoro, and kaimei lmao. honestly mayutei is like. my ultimate otp. mostly bc theyre my fave vocaloid/utaus and i tend to ship my faves together but i do think that they're really cute. negitoro was one of the first f/f ships that i loved and still continue to love, esp after that drama that i got into over it a year ago lmfao. also magnet is still one of the best vocaloid songs so. i cant really say why kaimei means so much to me, it just does. kaito and meiko were literally made for each other. not in a ship sense, but like. in a complementary vocals kinda way. crypton literally made kaito to match/blend well with meiko

3. my current otps are mayutei (obviously), negitoro, kaimei, jasprose (from su), and rupphire. there are more that i really like, but nowhere near to the level of these 5. these 5 are like. the holy grail of my ships

4. god i have a lot of notps lmfao. my main one would probably be jaspis bc i hate it with the intensity of a million blazing suns lmao. i also really hate kailen, rinlen, jaspearl, grasper, pretty much any ship involving jasper and a man, pearl and a man, and garnet and a man. bc theyre all lesbians ofc. theyre are a lot of other ships i hate but it would take me like 5 hrs to list them all

5. yeah!! i really love polypearls and polydiamonds. i also like poly cool kids, mayu/rin/oliver, and mayu/rin/tei. theres probably more but i cant think of them

6. idk i guess they can be intriguing if done well nd it involves characters i like. i dont like most of them tho. they tend to be super unnecessary

7. absolutely disgusting and creepy. real people arent fictional characters, stop treating them like it.

8. LMFAO YEA AND I STILL DO

9. yeah i mean. the majority of my ships are vocaloid/utau and they have no canonical relationships (other than some canon siblings)

10. yeah, same as above.

11. i guess rupphire? like... none of my other ships have canonically kissed i think

12. i am super disappointed in canon/modern lapidot. i miss old school lapidot, like before peridot lost her limb enhancers tbh. ig its technically not canon but whatever. im also super tired of seeing it fucking everywhere

13. in canon? no. in fanfics/art/other fan created stuff? yeah

14. frustrating. i dont like it

15. JASPROSE. and rupphire ofc. also polypearls ig

16. mayu/oliver. its like. one of my het vocaloid otps now but i used to hate it bc back when mayu was first announced ppl started shipping her w oliver nd i didnt like that bc i shipped myself with oliver lmfao (i was like 13 at the time)

17. i dont know... im kinda starting to lose interest in modern lapidot. but i still have some hope.

18. earthlings has made me question shipping jasprose. i mean, rose is the entire reason for almost all of jasper's suffering. but at the same time, without rose, jasper would likely never exist since she was made for the rebellion. i still love this ship a lot but now im starting to feel kinda bad abt shipping it...

19. i dont think so? wtf does this even mean

20. MAYU/TEI!!!! also jasprose lmao

21. plenty. like garnet/amethyst, i do actually get why ppl ship them tho. i just dont ship it myself. its good, but i dont ship it. also pretty much every other ship with jasper (except jaspidot. i actually do dislike it)

22. definitely rupphire!!

23. LAPIDOT

24. i do have a lot of canon ships!! (rupphire, gregrose, pearlrose, usamamo, etc) but i wouldnt say that the majority of them are canon

25. pharmercy. i still dont give a shit about overwatch but i love pharmercy

26. the only "pattern" in my ships is that theyre usually f/f. other than that, i dont think so

27. negitoro and kaimei!! mayutei is an old ship of mine, but not as old as these two. oh, and sakuino is also a really old ship of mine lmao. i dont really care abt naruto anymore but i absolutely love sakura and ino's dynamic

28. honestly yeah i think so!! some ships i have to warm up to, but usually i see or think of smth i even slightly like and im just like. hell yeah this shits good

29. mmmm i dont think so? i really like heathers and svtfoe and i dont have any real intense ships for those

30. pokemon

31. i have a headcanon that after mayu and tei meet, tei isnt obsessed with len anymore, nor does she hate every vocaloid (she still hates miku tho). i also hc that tei's obsession with len also extends to rin

32. i only have 1 and that is Next On by Oeuf Trick. its negitoro and its so fuckin good pls read it

33. uhh for rupphire ig my fave would be jen-iii? i dont have any other fave artists for my ships, nor do i really have any fave fanartists in general

34. im not really interested in fanmixes bc i dont like to be forced to listen to music i dont personally like lmfao

35. me B^). bc im the only one who ships mayutei. and for the others i dont really kno bc theyre either too obscure to have fanblogs or theyre just too many. also i dont really follow ship blogs other than two general f/f ships blogs and 1 jasprose blog (which i think is called cheetopetals? lmfao)

36. i only do fanart

37. ...not really

38. some of them yea, others dont have ship names so i come up w them myself (mayutei being one of them. like 4 yrs ago i had another name for them which was yandere yuriloids lmfao)

39. like a relationship that i would like my own to be like? definitely rupphire. ruby and sapphire have the ideal relationship tbh

40. i want actual content for mayutei thats not by me