#naybe they were born in may

[br1ghtestlight]

the information that gloria and big bob's birthdays are very closeby to each other (presumably within the same week or two) is something I think about all the time its embedded in my subconcious. constantly trying to theorize when their birthdays could be

[jodellejournals]

why i wear my heart on my sleeve... but keep people at arm’s length

i’ve always known that i’m a fragile human being. i get so emotional easily in the slightest of things and happenings — may they be scenes from movies or real life. i’ve been very vocal of my emotions too and this is probably why people close to me would describe me as someone who is sweet or kind and i have no problem with that. in fact, i even make it a point to express myself always. hence, i write and sort of make art in ways i can. i have mentioned in my previous entry that my sixteen-year-old self advised me to not kill my soul and so i make her proud by living up to it. i refuse to let the world harden my soft ways and sappy heart. however, some people see softness as weakness which is not always the case but i could not just also enforce my beliefs and values on them. for me, being soft is being in tune with your feelings and emotions. crying doesn’t make you weak. instead, it shows how strong and brave of a person you are because you can express your feelings instead of surpressing them. i figured out this is why i wear my heart on my sleeve — because i embrace the spectrum of emotions there is and I relish in each one of them. i allow myself to immerse in every feeling and emotion and i have discovered along the way how wonderful it is be every bit of human.

on the downside, i have to admit that being “too” soft gets me in trouble and i get all the blame for it. i have reminded myself many times to be extra careful in wearing my heart on my sleeve because not everyone is a friend or a listening ear. some just hear so they can share your misery to the world. that’s when i learned to keep everyone at arm’s length. i know it sounds paradoxical for me to say but honestly, i have found it quite easy. i have made it a life rule to not get out of touch of kindness and gentleness, traits which i have always believed that we humans were born with but... never let anybody too close to see my bare soul. it goes for everyone, even my best of friends or family members. not that i do not trust them because i greatly do, but what i’m saying is, protect yourself at all costs. never be too complacent with people to the point that you expose yourself too much to those who do not deserve to know you ‘that much’.

i have learned to select relationships, of every kind, where i will invest myself in. i’ve read somewhere, “son’t develop feelings for temporary people” and so it should be. i am not just talking romantically here but in all aspects. i knew how much i can give and the length i’d go for the people i love. it’s either all of me or nothing, i fight for you against the world or you don’t exist in my world at all. so in the process, i have built walls high enough because the world we live in is not all of good intentions and kindred spirits. i carefully choose people in my circle and i give ladder to those deserving enough. why am i so critical regarding this? you may ask. well to answer you, it’s because i grew up believing everyone is kind at heart and no one is too evil to create dark tactics — and that’s where i got invaded. i had no walls in the first place so i was easy target. not everyone should have access to me and my energy and that is a lesson i have learned the hard way. hard enough that i do whatever it takes to avoid getting burned by the same flame twice. but i still have a heart and let loose with the right people. they are the exceptions because with great love comes full acceptance. for example, i have always known that my mother becomes a mad woman when she’s annoyed. i cannot just build my walls around her, right? because she is my mother, no matter what, “even if the world turns upside down” as people point out. blood is really thicker than water. so i will always invest emotions on her but i have also come into terms of her ways. see, acceptance, in all its glory. we don’t get to choose our family and loving them is the most unconditional form of love i have yet know and experienced. through thick and thin. i am forever grateful to have grown up with a strong support system so thank you, dear god.

on the flip side, we get to choose who becomes friend and family and if they’re worth to emotionally invest in. i have read that you become the five people you spend most of your time with. so i make sure to choose wisely and re-evaluate: do they have the same values and beliefs with me? are they a positive influence? do they clap even for my small wins? were they there when i was at my lowest? do they nurture me to become a good person? if the answer is yes, then welcome to the club. if no, then they have a separate lane. these evaluation pointers were not made overnight but several years in the making through good and not-so-good friends. at least, i learned something from them. for relationships, though inam not in the position to say, here is a piece of advice that i give to friends since i instantly become their love doctor: be with someone you want your future son or daughter to be with. choosing a life partner is an essential decision because that person also becomes your parenting partner who later on influences your children, your food buddy for thousands of meals, shoulder to lean on during endless hours of plane ride and when the world turns its back against you, somebody to share the mundane days and life’s milestones with, retirement companion, and confindant who you’ll tell how your day went or random stories of once upon a times and vice versa. oh, the things that come with a ring! intense, i know. but i believe that if with the right person, it’s bliss. a major emotional investment and lifetime commitment indeed and sometimes, the thought of it makes me chicken.

am i chicken? naybe yes. emotional investment can take a toll in a person after all. and of all the people i know, my very own self is the most fragile of them all. so it is but my nature to shield for my defense. what’s clear to me as of this time is that i am not chicken enough to wear my heart on my sleeve — to be warm and welcoming and gentle and giving. a strength that some could not have for they see it as weakness. more so, i am not chicken enough to keep those not-good-enough for my soul at arm’s length. that’s where i set the boundaries. i accept all that i am today but i hope one day, i may not be too chicken to emotionally invest and passionately commit to people who deseve a place in my heart. and i do not rush because there is also so much joy in being young and running around barefoot with no care in the world. the big “adult” things take time and it is unwise to just jump into them only to find out it’s too late to chicken out. it’s best to take my precious time, keep wearing my heart on my sleeve but with restrictions, and i will eventually become the adult that i am supposed to be. a woman who can emotionally invest and passionately commit — slowly but surely.