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axl-ul · 1 year ago

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Writer Q&A Tag Game

Thank so much for the tag @mthollowell-writes (the og post here) and @dyrewrites (the og post here)!This was so sweet of you^^

And if you have time, please, read their posts, they're so beautiful and motivational.

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What motivates you to write?

Pretty much that I get to share a piece of myself. I'm not sure how to put it...but when I write I can sometimes feel my body relaxing and that I get to create something, anything from all the chaos that's sometimes in my head.

2. A line/short snippet of your writing that you are most proud/happy of. If not maybe share a line of someone else's work you love (just please credit them)

It's a snippet from The Lakebed, an episode from Ulfrika's youth while she was still under the care of Master Kogar.

“Yes, Majstre. Hm…Majstre? Did you truly want to shoot me down?“ He paused, “Never, my disciple.“ He patted the young head before diving into a quick lesson about proper fishing methods and life in lakes. In the meanwhile, the sun started to come out. Unable to resist the sunlight for long without the proper clothing and skin treatment the master and his disciple decided to come back. For the last time, the Man with No Eyes looked behind where the ice was cut out. He found the right successor. Even though she’s not the typical demon nor that it’ll be an easy path. But he sensed the potential. And she deserved to get the second chance. With unusual happiness settling down and unaware of the doom he brought upon himself on that fateful day he returned home with Ulfrika.

3. Which OC makes you smile every time you think/talk about them and what are they like?

This might be a pretty easy answer - Princess Mei from The Flight of the Western Crane. She starts out as a shy young woman who's prone to fear and crying and she gets overwhelmed pretty easily. The more the story progresses, though, she gets more self-confident and comes out of her shell to reveal what she really is like - joyous, a slight jokester with heart of gold and even a bit of a fighter (until then she was like this only around her advisor and best/only friend Lady Wolf Witch a.k.a. Márgerdra). Mei's like... such a breath of a fresh air because I don't remember writing a character like her before. Oh, did I mention she likes hugs, too? Well, if not, then be prepared for her to hug your soul out of you. Then she'll pull you away to the nearest shop because t r i n k e t s.

4. What process of writing do you enjoy the most?

Hopefully, you won't get mad at me but the outline and coming up with the plot ideas and characters. The very begining when it's up to you how the heart and soul of your story shall look like.

5. What part of writing do you think you are the best at? (Yes stroke your own ego it's okay)

I dare to say I'm pretty good at descriptions of the nature. As in the rich vocabularly and how I play around the words. I like coming up with metaphors and poetic prose sort of grew on me over the years.

6. What is something in the writeblr community is most enjoyable?

People around are truly trying to help each other. I'm still lacking quite a lot of contact but it's mostly due to me not being good with starting a conversation. But whenever I talk to is truly nice, sweet and polite which is admirable.

7. A writing tool/device you use that helps you with writing? (It could be speech to text, a writing program etc)

I'm going to be the basic bitch and say Google Docs and partialy Microsoft Word which I'll probably use sooner or later since Google Docs have problems with big files and there's also been the debate about the AI. Apart from these I also use Thessaurus a.k.a. Word Hippo and an unnamed internet dictionary. This is due to the fact that English is my 3rd language and I write my current projects in it. In other words, I sometimes can't exactly remember the word I actually want to use. So I either go and translate it for myself or I use the word hippo to find a synonym I know but I just couldn't think of in that moment.

8. A piece of worldbuilding that you like in your own story? (It could be the magic system, a particular place in the story, a law etc)

I came t like the Blackworld itself. In short, it's a non-physical place filled with eldritch horros that can manifest in the real world and from time to time some cultures came to worship these beings as their saints, gods or patrons mostly because of the slow corruption of their minds and souls. It's not only the concept of a place that's not real but also there's so many mysteries about the Blackworld - is it just a place that's a sphere for all those entities to linger? Or is it actually an organism of its own that's capable of giving birth without being exactly alive (at least in our way of understanding)? Why does it shape according to the subconscience of those who enter it? How does it know when somebody alive enters it? Just so many questions and so little answers and those answer then spark another ten new questions.

9. What piece of advice would you say to encourage others to write if they are having a rough patch?

I know this might go against the general rules but it's worked for me many times. Whenever I struggle to write I find myself a playlist, listen to it and while listening I'm re-reading my past chapters and re-editing some little details. When I can read a chapter after a chapter it's easier for me pick up on the more consistent vibe and feel of the story. And if this doesn't help either, I just take out another wip and focus on that other story.

10. Tag some people whose works you love/have been your biggest supporters

I've already mentioned the duo who tagged me so here's the follow-up: @arijensineink @minutiaewriter @rbbess110 @rubywrite @jgmartin @faelanvance @angie-j-kay (I know you can't respond right now but I wanted to mention you since you've been such a great support, thank you^^) @anthros-vanitas-archive @your-absent-father @sam-glade

#writeblr #writing community #writers of tumblr #writer q&a #ask game #writeblr tag games #writing tag game #tag games #please pardon me if i don't make much sense but i'm finishing this while being half-asleep

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prowerprojects · 1 year ago

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Well, who could have predicted what went down between SA2 and now. And I imagine if certain events went differently, we might some things would be way different. Especially when English is telling one story and Japanese telling another. (He wasn't the only character who experienced writing issues, his in particular just became "unfocused" after a while until they started scaling back the cast a bit.)

Hmm, probably would have helped if he had more kids around his age to interact with frequently. Cream slowly faded to the background {to her fans' dismay}, Marine is in Blaze's dimension and good luck finding Charmy interactions. Closest thing now is Sage and that's a mystery for now.

I think his theme song pretty much laid out his aspirations and still holds true for his Frontiers story in both versions of it. Presented differently in it and SA2, but ultimately the same goal: Finding his own style and path. (How far his potential goes really depends on him, so him pushing himself in different ways [and perhaps at times too much] could make him discover more things about him he hadn't before. That, wanting to show his friends his new skills is a good motivator too. xD)

I don't expect a drastic timeskip either; at most it'd probably be a few years. I'm sure they want keep the characters relatively similar-looking in nature if they ever decide on any physical or outfit changes to fit their current story, but not disrupting the iconicness of the designs. It's not the same as making an adaption with a different art direction. (Heh, I actually like the idea of him having a ponytail, to go along with his tails. Like Bark's, but shorter. But I can see them going for stylized models; the Mario crowd has been going nuts over "Wonder".)

In Boom's case, since it was meant to be its own subsection, the characters having designs that distant them from their Modern selves made sense from a marketing standpoint. Mixed on release, warmed up since but not wholly. At least wasn't the early concept art, Sega stomped down hard to get what we got. (It was mainly Knuckles and Sonic that got most of the criticism, with Amy to lesser extent, and Tails having little to none. Heck, some think his Modern self SHOULD have the goggles and toolbelt. Funnily enough, some did like the idea of a bulkier Knuckles, just not top-heavy, and more like his ancestors. And I have seen some scarf/adventure-looking Sonics here and there. And the surprise that was Vector, that leather jacket does suit him.) In any case, making changes isn't easy. Execution matters so much.

Considering that Eggman has a Vtuber model now; that'll likely mean other characters down the line, depending on the topics that pop up. (Though Shadow does feel like he's next. Hoping that his is mainly him and Tails before Sonic inevitably pops in, which is a recurring gag for that series.) But yeah, just a few fun shorts. Nothing crazy.

Yeah, his development from sa1 to sa2 made sense, it's unfortunate that it didn't work out in the long run.

Actually... idk about that. I feel like interacting with the other kids a lot would only highlight how more mature he is compared to them. When with his own friend group of older friends he still comes off as more childish than them. Maybe if they'd leaned into "youngest characters all being friends" from the start, but we'll never know now.

(Though take this with a grain of salt since maybe I also have a bit of resentment over people trying to metaphorically "banish them to the kids table", as if they all need to hang out with each other just because they're the same age.)

Yeah "Believe in myself" is a great theme for Tails and I feel like. You need to listen to it to understand him as a character, though I feel like it fits what he's going through in Frontiers somehow better than sa1? Like, a lot of the stuff mentioned in the song you can't really get from his story in the game itself (or maybe I just. forgot or wasn't paying enough attention). (Though it might also be the case of them writing frontiers and using the song as a baseline for his character and arc, while in sa1 it was probably the opposite)

Maybe they will change up some clothes!(Tails with a little ponytail? Aahhh it would be so cute) (I do agree with those people I wish Tails had goggles and a toolbelt in the mainline series. Maybe not on a permanent basis but at least goggles when he's flying? On the other hand, I do enjoy the main characters all having pretty simple designs. I also agree with Knuckles being bulkier, I like what they did for the movie, it just makes more sense for the type of character he is)

I only brought up Boom as an example of people reacting negatively to the redesigns, and it wasn't even canon.

Man Shadow could give us so much lore. I need the next season of TailsTube now (I can't believe it was a whole season? 4 episodes? Tails you hack) Man I really want some Tails & Omega interactions. I need to know what their relationship is like in canon. Or Cream? You could use Cream for the Chao lore. Aahhhh.

#tails #project.txt #project.ask

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thedarkcaustic · 2 years ago

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It's taken me till my 30's to learn that we need to do things just for fun--

(CW: Mentions of diet culture and body image issues)

I don't think the people around me necessarily set out to raise me with the idea that everything had to be the best, but it's certainly what I internalized. I also internalized this idea that you are either good at something or you're not. I mean, yes I was told to practice, but there was also this like weird emphasize on natural talent - you either had it, and should practice to build it up, or you didn't have talent and therefore any time spent practicing was a waste of time.

But I was never encouraged, and even to some degree, to do things just because they were fun. Drawing, dancing, learning instruments, writing --

None of it was just for fun. Just because humans like to create art. I'm thinking about this on a couple different fronts.

One, I'm doing this like deep work on unpacking diet culture (and the many diets I was put on without my consent growing up and how that has impacted both my physical and mental health). A huge part of unpacking internalized diet culture and the relationship with my body isn't just how I eat - but how I move my body. And I've had periods of my life where I was very active, and I'm currently not active at all and trying to figure out how to get myself active again.

And my therapist is literally the first person on earth to suggest I find a physical activity that brings me joy. Moving my body has literally never been about joy one day in my whole fucking life. I did karate for over a decade (which I did happen to love!) but that was so I could defend myself. I hired personal trainers and did crossfit and ran 5Ks-- because people kept tell me I needed to be thinner. Nothing was ever good enough. I'd spend hours in the gym and trying so hard and still-- being told that it wasn't good enough. Trying so hard and always failing and dreading going to the gym and spending all of this time emotionally preparing myself to go to the gym because going to the gym was supposed to make me thinner! And I would enjoy the benefits of the gym! And it would improve my mood! But it became this miserable thing that swallowed my life whole. I couldn't do any other hobbies because I was going to the gym and it's a whole affair with find the time and the money and the energy and how is it gonna fit into my literal work schedule and when am I going to shower and how am I going to sleep and when am I going to eat dinner--

Just making me so miserable. And still not being thin enough. And still not lifting heavy enough, running fast enough, having good enough form, doing enough reps-- Not making friends at the gym. Hating navigating the social space at the gym. Sometimes having literal PTSD flashbacks in my body and being unable to explain, "I can't do that because my body feels like I'm being sexually assaulted when I move in that way." Because trauma is irrational and hard to articulate.

I really don't want to blame anyone, cause I don't think anyone is to blame and I think the adults in my life genuinely wanted me to be healthy-- but when I think back on the physical activities I did as a kid, and PE classes-- how they were all so miserable. I wish I had been, instead, taught to just find movement that brings me joy. Yes, some physical activity is arguably better exercise than others. But any movement at all is better than the hours I spend on my couch. It's hard to try to motivate myself to find physical activity I enjoy when, for so long, it's been stepped in misery both physically, emotionally and socially.

If I had been encouraged to literally just have fun, and not be perfect, I think it would be a totally different story.

It's hilarious how in the need to police my body (and all many fat bodies), those people who were so offended by my few extra pounds as a teen, have actually made me fatter. Caring so hard for my health that I am spending hundreds of dollars a month on multiple professionals to help me untangle the web of lies I was raised in.

Thinking about humans as creatures who are just seeking happy brain chemicals has been one of the single most important realizations of my adult life. I believe my body wants to move, my brain wants to move. It's just a lot to unlearn.

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masquedfreak · 2 years ago

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it used to be considered weird and "invalid" to gush about your kins as characters if you were in an anti-recovery corner of the internet (which i was), so i always felt like i had to come from an angle of leaning into their darkness or flaws to be able to explain why i cared for them. this didn't always happen, of course- a lot of my very favorite characters are also me. i'm my own biggest fan except in the ways that would be most beneficial to my life currently, but having this as an outlet has gotten me closer to self-acceptance and even self-love than anything else i've tried.

i might not love myself very much but i love wataru, and at the end of the day beyond our surface level differences, i clearly see myself in him. when we first met i was terrified- i felt an instant pull i spent several weeks trying to avoid. i couldn't stand him for weeks after- i magnified issues i knew i was willfully misinterpreting to justify why he wasn't purely an aesthetic or aspirational kin. my friends at the time were extremely rude about it so i felt like i had to make his flaws a lot worse for anyone to take me seriously. very silly in retrospect but kin shit was all we talked about, it was my entire life, so their judgment felt like the end of the world.

i'm nothing like him socially, i have an interest in everything he does but i'm certainly not good at or even remotely capable of most of it. tfw the loser with no natural talent and an Insane inferiority complex kins the person who is so cool and good at things it literally alienates him, which in turn causes years-long resentment, complete with an endless guilt spiral about being just as bad as everyone else and unworthy of seeing themself in him... anyway.

i was even terrified of birds when i first met him. and flying. and basically it looked ridiculous and like i was just using him as an excuse to icon eiwata ship art. obviously, it's a whole hell of a lot deeper than that and i understand wataru better than.... pretty much any character, even if i can't write all sides of him like i can some others. i'm rarely this confident about knowing someone inside and out but yeah.

he's a really beautiful character if you take a few moments to actually pay attention. he's taught me a lot about myself, things i desperately needed to learn. i love his motivations, his relationships, his... everything. he is aspirational, but he's also just... me. most importantly, he's me in ways that i truly struggle to see in myself.

anyway, i guess the point i'm trying to make is that wataru has made my life far better. indescribably so, really. i half wish i could go into some of it but that's a lot and i'd regret it immediately, but suffice it to say i either would not be here without him or i would be a hell of a lot worse off. it's only fitting that he'd have such an effect on me, even if he is me. though... i guess it's precisely because he is. if anyone could get it, y'know? i'm so fucking glad i met him.

#.txt #personal introspective kinnie rambling hours #don't really know why i'm posting it; this blog hits different ig #tldr i love wataru and he makes me a better person

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whetstonefires · 2 years ago

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8 & 9 for the ask game!

8. What kind of document do you use to you write? Microsoft Word? Google Docs? Straight in the AO3 text box?

I have been using an expired copy of Microsoft Word 2010 this whole time--we bought it as a two-disc bundle in actual 2010 and then 6 years later the second copy was still there when I got a new laptop, and now it's 6 years after that. And they stopped supporting the software when it was 11 years old. Eesh. Time.

The fact that it kept nagging me about not being supported didn't worry me too much, since I don't think even a widely utilized word processor is a major hacking target, and Microsoft having pivoted to a subscription model had every reason to be a bitch about using an obsolete version.

But its autosave feature was getting less and less useful, so after losing a lot of work a month and a half ago in a computer crash I finally got around to switching to the open-source LibreOffice, which autosaves restoration data of your current workstate every ten minutes, and also has this nice little floppy disc icon at the bottom of the page that turns red when you've modified the doc since your last formal save, and you can click it to fix that so it turns soothingly black again. Which is nice! Working great for me so far!

So now it's LibreOffice.

I also have Scrivener, but so far I'm exclusively using it to draft one single novel very slowly. All my fic so far is done in a basic word processor.

I can't handle Googledocs ideologically lmao, I don't like trusting Google with my data and I don't like not having backup copies of past drafts Just In Case and I don't like trusting Google to not lose my data and I really don't like needing to have internet to access and alter my files.

And the fact that it strips formatting when you copy-paste is extra motive to not rely on it for fic, because having to either use a special import widget or manually re-enter all my italics would drive me to drink. No google docs.

I tried drafting a chapter straight into AO3 textbox once to see if it helped overcome writer's block. It did not.

9. What’s your favorite line(s) or scene(s) that you have written?

I...this is definitely a moving target? Can people normally answer this? I think if I knew what my favorite thing I've ever done is for sure it'd be really depressing because everything else would naturally be measured relative to it. My personal Mount Fuji.

Also I'm going to be real there's like a 90% chance whatever it is has never seen the light of day because it's good enough I can't bring the surrounding narrative architecture up to par so it's Unfinished Work.

I have over a million words on AO3 how am I supposed to????? I can't.

...also my current focus project is this hilariously long E-rated smut fic on my shiny new nsfw alt, where I'm systematically figuring out what you can do narratively with a sex scene, now that I've challenged myself to figure out how to write them and succeeded. So even if I determined the current answer at this moment, there's a non-zero chance it would turn out to be a really tidy piece of porn choreography.

Currently the technical challenge of describing the relative positions of bodies in space both accurately and engagingly is still entertaining me, though the fun is wearing off so I will probably have finished my erotica phase by autumn lmao.

Let's see. A fave, chosen at semi-random. Recently I was rereading Top Guide to try to get that updating again and found I still get a weird amount of joy out of the bit where Tifa throws tea in Genesis' face and books it, after determining through conversation that his morals are hella janky and they cannot be friends.

That whole sequence with the weird tea party wasn't a huge technical achievement or Perfect in any way really, but the experience of writing it was nice; it just came together really smoothly and I didn't second-guess myself or have to stop and seriously rework it or anything. I could feel the benefit of experience working for me as I put it together and it was nice.

I also liked it for the character because she didn't make a huge production of it but it's such a dramatic thing to do.

Thanks for asking! :D

#ask #screamingvikings #hoc est meum #ask game

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phoenixtakaramono · 3 years ago

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Hi! :) I was reading your post about SQH in TUT and it got me thinking. Since this version also wrote SVSSS, when he transmigrates does he realize his "dream" was real? Also, you hinted that he recognizes SY as the same person who transmigrated into SQQ, so now I'm wondering if he tells SY that, and how SY would react to learning he's the protagonist of SVSSS in another universe. I just love thinking about how meta this could potentially get, haha.

Can't wait to find out more! Keep up the good work!

(Follow-Up Post to: Part I, Part II)

@the-legend-of-chel 👏👏👏 Luv, good to see you in my Asks! I’m glad to hear that you’re looking forward to finding out more in The Untold Tale! And thanks for your support and encouragement. 💖

(TUT ch1 - Excerpt)

You’re right. There is a lot of meta potential with older!Airplane Shooting Towards the Sky being the MXTX equivalent in this AU—or, rather, I like to imagine him growing up to be the Stephen King equivalent of modern day China with a prolific portfolio of written works (novels and short stories, and extras). In canon, he churned out a great number of words per chapter and in a speedy amount of time! Do you guys know how miraculous that is, as a writer? I envy him so much! To be able to churn out that much content in a short amount of time, and in a scheduled regimen, is amazing! That’s basically my angle having written this into the prologue of TUT. That’s partially the reason why I wrote ch1. I liked the idea of paying homage to SVSSS and saying that it’s an actual book series in TUT universe that Airplane wrote (as funny as the idea would be, I wasn’t about to let SY be the one to write it, lol, for intellectual property reasons since the PIDW characters belong to Airplane, which would necessitate SY changing names and character appearances if he published what we know as irl SVSSS, so the best I can give SY is saying he wrote his own PIDW fanfic which basically launched his novelist career because he’d realized, hey, I actually have a knack for writing and the ever so spiteful I feel like practically every writer has had this thought before: fine, if I don’t see what I want to read, then I’ll write it myself!)

(TUT ch1 - Excerpt)

We’re approaching TUT spoiler territory so skip below if you don’t wish to be spoiled.

TUT (Meta) Spoilers

I personally love meta. If I’m to be writing a lovestory to SVSSS, there will be attempts at meta thrown into TUT. And this is one of them:

Airplane did “dream” about canon SVSSS. He basically “dreamt” about his favorite black powder fan, Peerless Cucumber

changing events of Airplane’s biggest regret Proud Immortal Demon Way. (As a writer, it embarrasses me to read my old writing. So I imagine it could be the same for Airplane.) As an author, Airplane recognized what he dreamt had potential to be a commercial success as a danmei transmigration story so basically every time he woke up, he would write pieces of what he remembers in a dream journal when the memory was fresh in his brain. It also allowed Airplane the opportunity to show his readers through the perspective of SY! Shen Qingqiu what Airplane had originally wanted to write, but integrated in a way that blends seamlessly into the reading experience. He would’ve thought it was a bit weird and strange that his brain dreamt about his past critic—whom he’d considered a small celebrity in the PIDW forums back then—aka his anti-fan-turned-accomplished-novelist in the writing industry, so he felt embarrassed that his unconscious brain must have thought very highly of the man.

So Airplane omitted any mention of Peerless Cucumber from the final draft of SVSSS (if he mentioned both “Shen Yuan” and “Peerless Cucumber,” then even SY would be like, Hey, wait one moment....). This detail will be included in a later chapter, but did you know the name “Shen Yuan” has come up in other works? Let’s ignore the variations on the Chinese written characters for the name “Shen Yuan.” There was the evil older brother character Shen Yuan from The Rebirth of the Malicious Empress of Military Lineage, a side character named Shen Yuan from a C-drama (I think he was an old minister?), and there’s even an irl visual artist named Shen Yuan. Shen Yuan (Shen Garden) is also a famous romantic garden in Shaoxing, known for the love story between Lu You and Tang Wan.

(Shen Yuan Garden - Trip Advisor Review)

Basically “Shen Yuan” in itself is not a particularly uncommon name in China (imo I would not say it’s super popular either). So when SY saw his name mentioned once or twice in Airplane’s SVSSS—aka rebooted PIDW—during his read-through, he was like, Huh, what a strange coincidence. And then dismissed it as circumstantial and thought nothing of seeing his name come up in a cutsleeve novel as the new protagonist, haha. It’s like a book written by Anne Rice; one of the titles coincidentally has the same name as mine. Now, obviously the book and main character is not based or inspired by me; I just coincidentally share the same name. If I see books which have characters with my same first name, generally I like to read them and sometimes even collect them for my bookshelves. Because there’s something just so fun and interesting about seeing your own name in a fictional piece of work.

There’s also meta joke potential about Airplane dreaming of himself being transmigrated into the cannon fodder Shang Qinghua and seeing the romantic miscommunications between the younger version of himself (his self-insert essentially) and the fictional Mobei jūn character. I can certainly say seeing such dreams would make Airplane question his sexuality and awaken something dormant in him, haha. He’d realize he might not be not as straight as he thought he was, if his brain was capable of dreaming of SY!SQQ being crushed on by LBH, and SQH being crushed on by MBJ and essentially following MBJ around calling him “my king” this and “my king” that. He’ll be sweating bullets when he meets this world’s version of MBJ, because Airplane will definitely remember how the younger Self-Insert version of himself acted toward MBJ in the SVSSS world. (It’s the classic “Just because I dreamed about it happening doesn’t mean it’ll happen here, right? ...Right? Cucumber brother, you’re a fortuneteller! Please check our eight characters for me! I have to know my marriage compatibility with Mobei jūn!”)

In a later chapter, there will be the reveal where Airplane tells Shen Yuan that he “dreamt” of a universe where a younger version of Shen Yuan—having choked on mantou (馒头) (paying homage to the donghua) or just being transmigrated in general after raging at a younger ASTTS’s writing (paying homage to the books)—transmigrated into the Shen Qingqiu we know from SVSSS who married Bing mèi. Because I think it will be hilarious when TUT’s SY finds out about the true source of Airplane’s inspiration, and he’ll naturally freak out over the fact that this is the very same Bing gē from Airplane’s Bing-gē vs Bing-mèi extra and that he’s essentially somehow stumbled on the same path as the alternative younger SY!SQQ “from Airplane’s imagination.” I will leave this open to interpretation if this does show up (it’s just an idea I’m playing with) but I might hint that there might be a higher power at play which allowed Airplane a peek into another universe—which manifested as his dreams.

I very much like this dynamic (we might see this exchange, verbatim, in a future chapter in TUT):

SY/ LBH —> He gave him a disdainful gaze.

Airplane cried inwardly at the oppression and the feeling of being wronged.

Haha, none of this is really Airplane’s fault^ though. It’s a fun parallel and if I’m still motivated when we get to the wedding and consummation chapter, we might see an epilogue where SY and Bing gē from TUT meets SY!SQQ and Bing mèi maybe. Because I think it’ll be funny with the two LBHs getting into a shouting/ fighting match about who has the “superior Shen Yuan” while the two SYs just shake their heads at their silly husbands (and potentially TUT’s SY, as the older party, can impart his fortunetelling wisdom and advice to SY!SQQ).

Personally I can’t wait when we get to those chapters, because I know it’ll be entertaining to write, haha. Personally TUT is a fun project because there’s just so much meta potential that can be incorporated and I have a lot of fun imagining the scenarios.

*Note: like always, keep in mind that these are just my current thoughts. Details are subject to change; things aren’t considered official until they show up in the final draft on AO3. :)

The Novelists’ First Impressions

The first impression SY and Airplane will have of each other will be fun. Because in their perspective, written in my notes it’s essentially like:

(Airplane seeing SY):

His first reaction was shock. Shock because the mere mortal he used to be could not conceive so much charisma being emitted by this guy.

This is definitely a man who had put all of his stats into CHARISMA.

(SY seeing Airplane):

He's suspiciously good looking in ways that normal people are not.

Ah, the Cucumberplane friendship in TUT is going to be so much fun. Not only are these two older souls who transmigrated (both are mid-aged in this universe), they’re both accomplished novelists in their own right in the writing industry. Which means with these two being celestial beings, there’s so many clichés we can playfully poke fun at.

It also makes me laugh because imagine being SY, and seeing a guy (mortal!Airplane) who exudes the same energy as these two imperial princes GIFs:

#svsss #人渣反派自救系统 #shang qinghua #moshang #shen yuan #bingyuan #binggeyuan #the untold tale #phoenixtakaramono #ask #the-legend-of-chel #phoenix talks #reply #replied #answered #I’m almost done photobashing older SY #so there’s gonna be additional visual context #for how he appears in TUT (my headcanon at least)

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brightblueinky · 4 years ago

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Pardon me for the intrusion, but you're the only person I found who's still into CC and I have to ask: does the romantic aspect of Chrono's and Rosette's relationship seem lacking to you? Like I can see when Rosette starts to view him as a love interest (chapter 28), but I can't see when Chrono starts to view her as one. To me it feels like he only had an interested in Mary, and Rosette is just his very beloved friend; the kiss felt too sudden. I'm sorry, I just need a second opinion on this.

Okay I am so sorry I didn’t respond to this until now, I’ve mostly been using tumblr on my phone and using it to check a few blogs and occasionally the CC tag, and apparently tumblr doesn’t notify for asks on the mobile app? Or I’m not seeing it? Something. I have no idea how long you’ve been waiting for a response on this, so I’m really sorry! I hope you find this!

I think I need a reread of the manga at this point--a lot of the stuff I’m writing these days is going off of head canon which might not be 100% accurate anymore. So I’m just going to write this off the cuff. Gonna be a bit stream of consciousness! So this is definitely not a definitive opinion or even one I’ll always stand by, just how I personally feel in this particular moment.

So off the top of my head...

I think we see less things from Chrono’s point of view than from Rosette’s, which is part of what makes this tricky. This isn’t ALWAYS the case obviously (we see his sort of...PTSD dream flashback after Rizelle’s death, the flashback in volume 6 is basically from Chrono’s viewpoint since it’s mostly his memories, etc), but since one of the way the plot moves forward is the mystery of what happened in Chrono’s past usually the viewpoint is more centered around Rosette. I actually always assumed that Rosette was the only character that Moriyama would consider the protagonist until I saw that on a dust jacket for one of the books he said that BOTH Chrono and Rosette are (can’t remember which book, sorry! it was a fan translation).

Thinking about it, I think we see Chrono start to realize he has romantic feelings at the end of volume 6. I think that’s the first time he really, truly comes to accept his contract with Rosette as a good thing instead of just...the lesser of two evils, I guess? It’s when he goes “oh, yeah, I made the contract because otherwise she would’ve run off to solve the problem on her own, and I didn’t want to leave her alone.” I think that’s when he starts to really see Rosette as someone that’s on the same level of emotional maturity as him, too--earlier he occasionally teases her for being immature, but I think when Rosette tells him that she wants to share his pain, and Mary’s, that he sees how emotionally strong she is as a person and really respects that. Not that he didn’t see her as strong BEFORE, buuut like...he’d been so hesitant to share his past with Rosette until right then, and her response, I think, makes him realize how helpful having her support really is to him.

This isn’t really the same situation and is definitely my own personal reaction, but as I write this it makes me think of when I was dating my husband. I was initially terrified he was going to break up with me because I was bisexual--we both came from conservative Christian backgrounds and were homeschooled, and in the past he expressed homophobic sentiments--but I felt like I HAD to tell him because I couldn’t see myself in a long term relationship with someone I couldn’t be 100% honest with. His reaction when I told him was to immediately tell me he trusted me and cared about me, start to reconsider what he’d been raised to feel immediately, and he’s become one of my biggest advocates as I’ve come out to friends and family. Coming out to him was one of the best things I’ve ever done, but it was terrifying until I did. I can see Chrono having similar fears talking about his past with Rosette, and having a similar sense of relief and healing as soon as he realized how much Rosette is in his corner and how helpful having someone he can be open with actually is.

In the next chapter, Rosette holds Chrono’s hands to comfort him while they briefly talk about their current situation (Chrono being held in, uh, demon jail? and Rosette being taken off of her mission to find Joshua), then they both blush and get flustered when they realize what they’re doing. They babble small talk afterward while inner dialogue repeats Rosette’s promise to share Chrono’s pain, and Mary’s too. And then RIGHT AFTER is when Remington walks in and takes them to Aion’s old house on the beach so...that’s about it.

So I think the manga does show that, either right after he’s pulled out of his coma by Rosette or sometime in the aftermath, Chrono is starting to acknowledge that his feelings for Rosette might be more romantic. But it is VERY brief, because literally everything after that is two volumes of the big finale, taking place entirely over no more than 24 hours. Everything after that is rushing to tie up as many loose ends as possible--Fiore being Satella’s sister, saving Joshua, Joshua beginning to grapple with the gravity of what he’s done and been a part of and what’s been done to him, Aion and Chrono’s confrontation, the Order and the Sinner’s confrontation, Rosette’s near death experience, Aion’s motivations revealed, Chrono and Aion’s true relationship revealed, Azmaria finally coming into her own in terms of taking ownership of her powers, the culmination of Aion’s plans (and near-Apocalypse caused by it), the true nature of demons, the deaths of most of the Sinners, Shader’s defection, Joshua and Fiore’s relationship being somewhat resolved, Rosette and Chrono’s relationship being somewhat resolved...like holy shit there is SO. MUCH. THERE.

On top of that, I’ve got the Japanese reprints and while I can read basically no Japanese (HUGE GRAIN OF SALT INCOMING), I’ve pointed Google Translate at some of the omakes and from what I can tell, Moriyama talks in the omake in...volume 6, I think, that he basically had a whole other volume’s worth of story for the flashback that had to be cut! If I’m understanding it right, it’s like...from Remington’s perspective, and involves some Native American tribe or reservation that had connections to the Sinners, and the woman in charge of the orphanage Joshua and Rosette grew up in was a child living in a town nearby....

Basically, from what I can tell? Moriyama had a LOOOOOOOOT of background stuff he wanted to go into in the back half of Chrono Crusade that he wasn’t able to do for time reasons. I’m not sure if his editor gave him a deadline, or he realized it would be too meandering, or what exactly happened, but...have you ever heard the “iceberg” theory of writing? Basically, flesh out as much of the backstory as you can--know everything about the town your story is set in, the family of your protag and their relationships with them, what they eat for breakfast, just...every little minutia you can possibly think of, but most of that won’t get into your story. The audience will only see the tip of the iceberg, but knowing so much background about your setting and characters will help it feel more alive and inform your decisions as you write.

I think Moriyama had a fucking huge iceberg, basically, and I think he actually wanted to show more of that, but...couldn’t. So we get little pieces of art that reference this entire backstory for Satella we never see, and Aion, etc....that gets small nods but doesn’t make it into the manga.

And I think there’s a lot of things Moriyama wanted to give time to breathe in the manga but due to space limitations, couldn’t. So that’s why the second half of the manga literally takes place from Thanksgiving to sunrise on Christmas Day and is...the entire second half of the manga. He’s rushing to get in as much as possible while still letting the story flow as a story and sometimes...it’s not perfect.

So....I think unfortunately, yeah, one of the casualties of that is that we don’t get a huuuuuge amount of Chrono’s side of the relationship, because most of the moments that really shows that they’re heading in that direction is from Rosette’s POV. Other than the scene I already mentioned, I think you could argue that Chrono’s reaction to “the place that Chrono can go back to was decided 4 years ago!” might also be the first moment he starts to consider how important Rosette is to him, but that doesn’t HAVE to be romantic...Chrono’s reaction to her death (and then realizing there’s a chance to revive her) again emphasizes how important she is to him, but it doesn’t HAVE to be romantic...the kiss at the end is the only thing that really 100% says “Yes, this is romantic and not platonic” on his part. And...yeah. It feels a bit sudden. There’s some underlying hints before that but...I mean, I know about them because I’m obsessive about character growth and narrowed in on it in subsequent rereads, I’m not sure if it came through right away on my first read of the manga, and I even knew going into it that they were at least meant to be teased as a ship, so, yeah.

Also I briefly want to admit that as I’ve gotten older, the age gap bothers me a little more. Not enough for me to abandon the ship, just, you know, it’s something I acknowledge will turn some people off. I think Chrono, maturity-wise, is meant to be seen as...about 20. I think Moriyama mentions in one of the early omakes that that’s what he looks like in his unsealed form, we know that when he leaves Pandaemonium it’s right after his coming of age ceremony so he’s about what a demon would consider to be 18 in terms of emotional (and physical?) maturity, and especially since he’s been sleeping for 50 years since that period of his life he doesn’t have the experience that his age really indicates (which Aion blantantly points out near the end). So I’m not THAT bothered by it because I don’t think that Rosette and Chrono are actually that inequal in terms of emotional maturity but it’s still...there, and...I mean he met her when she was 12...so...yeah that’s a bit weird!!

I’ve just gotten to where I shrug my shoulders and go “look, every ship in Chrono Crusade has something problematic about it, if you’re going to be a fan of Chrono Crusade you’re probably going to have to grapple with the fact that it’s messy and human and nobody is 100% good or bad in the manga, and that’s part of what I like about it, so, that’s cool, but it’s probably not for everyone.” It’s actually one reason why I’m kinda OK with CC not being as popular as some of its contemporaries because...some of the anti-shipper stuff I’ve seen online...oh boy.

So...I guess in conclusion, I think there’s stuff there in the manga to build up the relationship a little bit, but a lot of it is from Rosette’s POV and most of it is kind of subtle. I wouldn’t be surprised if Moriyama had wanted to flesh it out more obviously in the manga but the second half is stuffed full of wrapping up character arcs and questions and loose ends so it just didn’t really have the time to get as much focus. I really like the ship a lot, but a lot of it comes from analysis of the characters and how they relate to each other rather than it just being...canon. I’m okay with that, I’m the sort of person that will ship characters that never even meet just because I think the dynamic might be cool, but...I’m not surprised that not everyone would be into it, either.

And now I kinda want to make...a series of posts analyising the different relationships that are...either canon or teased in canon, see how much they’re built up, etc. Because this post makes me think a lot about Joshua/Azmaria and how confused I was by them apparently being married in the epilogue on my first read, and only seeing the hints Moriyama hinted about them possibly being a couple in the manga on subsequent rereads (and even then HO BOY it’s so subtle it makes Chrono and Rosette look really in your face aaaaaa). BUT I HAVE RAMBLED ENOUGH FOR THIS POST and, again, I need a reread. Maybe soon....!!!!

#chrono crusade #anonymous #ask #shipping #chrono/rosette #character analysis #ramble #long post #I'm so sorry this doesn't have a read more cut I don't know how to do that on an ask #I both love and hate tumblr #Anonymous

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punkscowardschampions · 5 years ago

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James & Ava

James: I can't see you today Ava: Oh Ava: Well, that's a shame James: it is Ava: What are you up to? James: my dad wants me in the office Ava: Ahh, okay Ava: Well no worries, Monday then James: I won't let anything stop me Ava: I understand Ava: It's cool James: if I can find time to call you later, hearing your voice would make me feel better about a lot of things Ava: That'd be nice Ava: really nice James: missing you is the nicest cliche I think I've experienced James: for a long time Ava: I can't stop thinking about you Ava: so it's good to know you've thought about me too James: of course I have James: I am James: it's what's going to get me through today Ava: Oh James Ava: I'm going to talk to you all day, in my head James: I was going to take you to [insert a cute date location that wouldn't take very long to get to because he wouldn't have had long] so make sure you tell me what you think Ava: Would it be entirely too tragic for me to go alone and pretend you're with me? James: no more tragic than if I ask you to take enough pictures for me to be able to pretend that I'm there Ava: Of course Ava: I owe you for my picture of you 🥰 James: you don't owe me anything James: I'd give you so much more if I could Ava: Me too, I wish I could take pictures just for you Ava: Have to get old school and get a P.O. box James: or keep them on your phone & show me when you can Ava: That I can do James: but will you? Ava: If you tell me how much you want it James: the only thing I want more is to see you in person Ava: I really, really miss you Ava: It, I can feel it James: I'm really sorry, darling Ava: It's not your fault Ava: and it reminds me it's real James: It's my fault James: I could stand up to my dad & say I don't want to work there Ava: If it were that simple, you would've Ava: it's security for your family Ava: you can't just do it without a backup plan in place Ava: least of all for me James: I should have a backup plan James: it's bullshit that I don't Ava: You can make one Ava: you'll have a degree and experience now Ava: you can at least apply to other places with that, get out from under your dad, then think about what you want longterm after that James: Oh Ava Ava: You can, and you will Ava: You're like just finished with Uni now Ava: who knows what they're doing before then, you only have to front you do because children James: I want you to be right Ava: I am Ava: You're smart and driven and good James: how do you know? Ava: Because I said, you can't live like this forever Ava: and you won't Ava: what's the alternative? James: that actually she's right James: everything she says & thinks about me Ava: She's not Ava: She's not right about anything and she knows it Ava: that's why she has to go so hard James: you're right because you said I need you & I do Ava: I'm right because it's true Ava: you're worthy of good things, James James: I'm not a good person, Ava James: I'm barely a person at all Ava: But you are, James Ava: You're a person Ava: whether she wants that or not James: Jay can start boarding school in a year, I've already made that plan Ava: Is that what you want? James: it's what she needs Ava: Okay, so that's a start then James: I don't want to send her away but I don't want her to stay here Ava: Once you've sorted the rest, you can bring her back Ava: She's young, kids are so resilient James: It was so much easier when she was too young to understand what was being said or done Ava: Yeah Ava: I see that, with my family Ava: it's all okay until it needs to be explained Ava: because it can't be explained, or isn't James: exactly James: what words am I ever going to be able to find to make it okay? there aren't any Ava: Actions count Ava: and you love them Ava: that counts for so much James: will it count for enough? James: my actions certainly aren't good enough Ava: Almost definitely Ava: I can't say 100% but a good 99% James: you don't have to say anything James: I'm in my wet clothes today, that's all Ava: You don't have to excuse yourself, ever James: don't I? Ava: Not with me James: that wipes out well over half of my current vocabulary, just so you're aware James: it won't be an excuse that I'm speechless around you Ava: We'll work it out together Ava: I don't mind not talking for a while and just James: I'm going to be here until it's very late but if you can get away, I'll say I'm staying even later Ava: Yes Ava: I can make it happen Ava: People are here but I can get out James: me too then Ava: I don't care if it's five minutes Ava: well, I do Ava: but I'll take it James: I definitely do James: but it won't be James: the girls will be asleep before I'm done, I'm not rushing home for her Ava: Then rush to see me James: I promise James: I know you don't want me to, but I do Ava: As far as promises go Ava: that's a pretty good one Ava: they're like cliches James: I'll work through lunch for the possibility you'll be awake by the time I'm allowed to leave Ava: I can catnap if necessary James: oh, well now that's a mental picture I wish I had Ava: Sadly I can't take photos of myself sleeping Ava: and I don't think I can promise I'll waste any time with you napping Ava: 🤔 James: I'm so very conflicted James: what a dilemma James: but we'll be able to solve it when my dad decides I can be trusted on business trips Ava: 🤤🤤🤤 Ava: Please come through for me J I James: knowing him it'll take a while but I'll come through so he'll have no choice but to do the same Ava: All the faith Ava: and Monday when you come over you can have a preview of what to expect Ava: for motivation James: in order for you to keep it & for him to begin to harbour any, I should go James: but I feel very motivated at the thought, so thank you Ava: You've got this Ava: Later, love James: [let's skip then chicken, come at me drunkenly lol] Ava: You probably can't reply Ava: but I wish you were here James: [a dramatically long pause because imagine how extra weekends would be] James: but you're having fun? Ava: Hey ☺️ James: hi Ava: It's alright Ava: everyone's going a bit hard James: I'm sure your brother would happily throw them all out for you Ava: That may be Ava: but he is not invited James: that wouldn't stop him if he's still anything like I remember Ava: 2 kids and a wife might Ava: ha James: from being a protective older brother? I don't think so James: you either are or you're not Ava: yeah but my cousin is here Ava: so no need for the 'adult' supervision Ava: it's cool James: I'm happy to hear it James: there's no opportunity for me to drag Teddy home if he's there & he wouldn't thank me for it Ava: that's a bummer Ava: though I've already sacrificed him once tonight so rude of me James: to who? Ava: said cousin Ava: he isn't actually who I had in mind but you know Ava: be weird if I ❌ James: it sounds very romantic, I have no doubt he'll be thrilled Ava: Yeah it's like Paris in here tonight James: it's like Venice here, by which I mean flooded Ava: ??? James: 🛁 Ava: ahh Ava: awh Ava: 🐥🧼🧽💙 James: so yes, I'd say I wish you were here too, but I can't Ava: that's fair Ava: someone is in my bath alas James: theirs was meant to be hours ago so the chaos is somewhat relatable Ava: uh-oh Ava: I did think it was more like 💤🛌🌃 James: it's actually really far past that time too Ava: yeah Ava: you must be knackered James: if only I could join you in a drink Ava: There's still plenty 🍾🍾 Ava: I'll leave a full one out on the step Ava: for the milkman, like James: 😂 thank you, Ava Ava: my curtsy is so real James: that reminds me, I like your outfit Ava: 🥰 Ava: you're always nice Ava: are you wet? James: drenched, of course James: but actually not in the metaphorical sense Ava: Yay Ava: I'm happy James: are you smiling? Ava: cheeeeeese James: 📷 Ava: I'll take a real one for you Ava: but not right now James: [the longest pause ever like is he gone or what? but no he's just trying to sort the chaos out of course] James: later is an undeniably tempting prospect Ava: all dry Ava: what are you doing now Ava: a story James: well guessed James: would you like to pick it for us? Ava: You have to make one up Ava: a happy ending, naturally James: & there has to be a dog involved or Jay will be very angry indeed Ava: Frank! James: Oh right, I forgot you have one Ava: He's very angry indeed Ava: 😡 James: about the party? Ava: No Ava: about being forgotten Ava: he isn't actually here he's been dogknapped James: he'll forgive you Ava: me! James: yes Ava: you forgot him Ava: he's devastated James: you haven't taken enough selfies with him Ava: are you questioning my love James: I'm not but he could be, that's what I'm saying Ava: this is a sad story James: I'll do a re-write Ava: good idea Ava: he's on holiday James: working on his tan James: you two are very competitive about it Ava: well we've gotta be summer ready Ava: his diet is going awfully though James: he's lucky he doesn't need to go on one James: it was purely hypothetical Ava: he likes baked beans with the lil sausages in James: what do you like? I can't picture him happily sharing Ava: 🤔 Ava: that's a big question Ava: chinese food James: [when you know he's gonna send her some tomorrow for the hangover bye] James: can you use chopsticks? Ava: yes Ava: v dexterous Ava: shame that's not a sexy skill Ava: like cherry stems James: it could be James: you doing it Ava: 🥢 grab your tongue with that boy Ava: 🤭 James: it could work to shut me up James: but it's only making me laugh right now Ava: I like when you talk Ava: and laugh James: I used to be able to do that cherry stem party trick Ava: you'll have to show me Ava: we'll get some, see if you can do it James: It's been years, I probably can't Ava: you don't lose skills like that James: it's not a real skill, it's a boast Ava: yeah Ava: an implication of other skills, I know James: we all tried it out to mock the girls over how 'easy' it was but only a few of us could do it actually Ava: wink wink nudge nudge is how boys do Ava: 'course Ava: don't always have to back up a boast James: especially when it's one you made in another life Ava: nah Ava: i'll judge you and be so disappointed James: Ava! that's outrageous Ava: that's me James: you're supposed to not even be hypothetically disappointed by me Ava: I'm also not meant to lie to you James: okay, I'm backed into a corner, now what? Ava: what I would do to you if I had you in a dark corner right now is not suitable bedtime story-telling Ava: unless you wanna be up all night James: some stories demand to be told regardless James: & I wouldn't be upset about being kept up for as long as this one takes to be told Ava: You're the storyteller Ava: I'm a journalist, I like to report what happens James: [writes her a very sexy essay right here and right now about the life they should be living in the dark corner, like soz Jimothy you've been usurped as the writer & poet in residence] James: well then, you can tell me what's happening to you Ava: I don't know if I can describe that Ava: how you make me feel Ava: like you're here Ava: the only person here James: I think you've described it perfectly Ava: you are perfect James: no Ava: yes James: Ava Ava: James James: you're not meant to lie to me Ava: I'm not James: it's not true, it can't be Ava: opinion can't be wrong Ava: you can say i'm not well-informed if you wanna Ava: but i'll still think it James: I'm not at your party, I won't ever be able to be there Ava: you don't have to be at my party James: but you wish I was James: that's compromise, it can't be perfection Ava: only 'cos I'd rather be with you Ava: because you're so perfect James: if I don't give you what you want, I'm not perfect Ava: i want you Ava: as you Ava: i can miss you and i can wait Ava: i don't need anything else from you James: I don't know who I am Ava: i see who you are Ava: who you could be James: but I could become someone else James: like my dad wants James: like my wife wants Ava: you can't change who you are Ava: even when you try really hard James: you can lose who you are though James: & I have Ava: I'm telling you, I can see you Ava: even if you can't James: when you stop looking at me, it's going to be really hard Ava: I'll only stop if you tell me to Ava: no other reason James: if I tell you to it'll only be because I have to James: for your own sake Ava: you don't have to worry about me James: it's not the 1st time I've done this or had to stop doing it James: I know I have to worry about you Ava: i don't think i'm special Ava: but i know you like me too James: I think you're very special Ava: but i don't care if you can't be with me Ava: well, i do Ava: but i mean i'll be your friend no matter what Ava: you need me and no one can stop me Ava: not your wife or my brother or anyone James: the problem isn't who my wife is or who your brother is, the problem is that I don't care James: that's dangerous Ava: i said i wouldn't cause trouble Ava: and i won't let you get into any either Ava: not 'til you're ready to face it James: I've never met anyone like you before James: it's the most ridiculous cliche Ava: i know Ava: and I've never felt like this before Ava: so there we go two for two James: it's none of my business & you're under no obligation to answer me, but is that because you've not dated a lot of people before or in spite of everyone that you have dated? Ava: you're so cute Ava: I've dated plenty of people Ava: I liked a lot of them, some of them I thought I loved but then it was easy to be friends with them so I don't know, I think it was just that Ava: this is different, whatever it is and whatever they were James: understood Ava: did you date much James: I wasn't looking for that when I was in school & I'm not allowed to seek it out now James: I had a lot of sex before I got married & after but it's far from the same thing Ava: sure Ava: you weren't getting to know them as well as Ava: that's how lots of people operate James: I didn't intend to get to know you, Ava James: I don't know how it happened Ava: I'm not going to apologize for it James: please don't Ava: can i ask you something though James: of course Ava: did you just wanna sleep with me 'cos you thought i was cute or was it anything to do with who my brother is James: why would it be anything to do with him? Ava: i don't know Ava: 'cept i know him and i know there's history there James: I don't hold any grudges against him, we were all liars & fakes then James: all I cared about was my expensive drug habit & sleeping with as many girls as possible Ava: okay, i just had to ask Ava: things can be confusing enough without worrying about shit that ain't even real James: there's history for you too, it's not about any of that, is it? Ava: no Ava: it isn't James: my wife & your sister have so much history James: honestly more than me & her have Ava: i know Ava: but i'm not gonna exact revenge on her behalf via you James: I doubt she'd want that, she's not Chloé James: I don't believe there's anyone capable of holding onto something for as long & as tightly as she can Ava: I don't know Ava: I'm sure her therapist would tell her grudges are pointless but I don't reckon she can live that truth James: at least she has a therapist Ava: hooray for her James: I should probably get one, instead of talking to you like you are Ava: its what you should do Ava: talk to people Ava: work it out together Ava: nancy can't talk to anyone James: all my adult conversations are carefully overseen & orchestrated, it's only her laziness and the inescapable necessity of my parenting that has stopped the way I talk to my children from being put under the same restrictions James: what she did to Nancy was James: & that's only what I can remember Ava: its fucked James: it's already started with Jay James: if I can't find a way to stop it Ava: you have to James: I know Ava: you know its abuse don't you James: It doesn't matter what I know if nobody else knows it James: believes it Ava: how can they not, everyone knows what a total insane bitch she is Ava: sorry James: you don't need to apologise for telling the truth Ava: i'm not trying to make getting out sound easy though when it so clearly isn't James: it wouldn't be that hard for me to get out Ava: with the kids, or access to, though James: she says Jay's not mine whenever I criticise anything she says or does regarding her James: maybe she isn't James: her sex life was as active & varied as mine was Ava: wait Ava: what James: it's what she says if my bags are packed & nothing else has worked James: because I'd never see her again if she's not biologically my daughter James: but she can't say it about Matty, the dates line up too well Ava: are you on Jay's birth certificate? James: yes Ava: then you either are, and you have rights, or she knowingly lied on an official document but also, gave you full parental rights in the process Ava: if she really is lying then she has to incriminate herself and there's more than a case in your favour James: I don't know Ava: she got you to marry her under false pretenses, she stole years of your life James: it'll just be more of her bullshit James: of course she's my kid Ava: she'd do that? Ava: jesus James: she'll say & do anything to stop me from leaving James: in other circumstances it'd be flattering Ava: does she love you James: does it sound like love? Ava: no think she loves you then James: she thinks she's come this far James: not many of my friends would have agreed to marry her if they'd been put in the same situation James: if any, from the ones I had at the time Ava: i just wanna know what she gets from it Ava: she doesn't work or go to school, right? Ava: you seem to do most of the parenting James: isn't that the answer then? she gets a lifestyle that started out easy financially thanks to my parents & has been made easy by me in every other aspect James: I told you, it's my fault Ava: okay, granted but like she's happy to settle for not being crazy in love, just tolerating her kids and having no ambition of her own? at 22, 23? its not as if her parents would let her starve, Christ.. it'd be sad if she weren't evil and happy to take down you and the kids with her James: as I also told you, I've given up trying to figure her out Ava: sorry James: no, I am James: you don't need to worry about this Ava: yeah i do James: no James: you're a 17 year old at a party, Ava James: you shouldn't be worrying about anything Ava: don't patronize me James: that's not how I mean it James: I like you & she'll take you down too if you aren't careful James: I don't want that Ava: no she won't James: if you think that we shouldn't do this Ava: do what James: see each other as much as we are Ava: why not Ava: because i'm not duly afraid of chloe James: because you don't understand the risks Ava: again, don't patronize me James: do you want to end up like your sister? Ava: that won't happen James: it could happen James: & I'm not worth it Ava: it won't Ava: if you don't want to see me then that's your choice Ava: i think you're making a mistake but you're entitled James: I do want to see you James: I so badly want to Ava: then don't put a stop to us James: just please be careful Ava: I'm not afraid to like you James: Ava Ava: I'm just not, okay Ava: and even if i were, i couldn't stop myself and i won't so there James: you're really gonna age me horrifically, aren't you? James: 👴 Ava: well i do only like you 'cos you're older, obviously James: well, the back cover of the book can be all my worry lines Ava: 😂 Ava: sexy James: I can't make everything I do sexy like you do, darling Ava: don't joke i'm trying so hard to seduce you here �� James: I'm not joking James: you are & everything you do is Ava: Monday needs to be here now James: will you dance with me when it is, because we can't now Ava: only if you hold me really close and even tighter James: that I can do Ava: come on Ava: say you will James: of course I will Ava: James James: yes? Ava: I wish I could call you James: I'll go outside to smoke, wait a minute Ava: me too Ava: can't hear myself in here James: [another dramatic pause] James: okay Ava: the perks of being one of the only smokers Ava: and its warm out still Ava: i love summer James: it's a bad habit, but I've had worse James: & I still like winter the most somehow Ava: sorry it looks sexy and I've got a rep to maintain Ava: when were you born are you a winter baby James: January Ava: knew it Ava: awh its not your birthday for ages James: & you only like me because I'm older, I remember James: you must be truly devastated Ava: mhmm Ava: hurry up and hit 30 so we can really make it a moment James: you'll have me looking 30 soon enough James: all these smoke breaks Ava: not if you get to talking please and thank you James: you're supposed to be calling me James: as you wished it Ava: oh Ava: wanna facetime Ava: assuming 🥴 this is not my face James: you could still 'make a moment' I'm sure James: & I probably look better blurry Ava: shut up Ava: you're beautiful James: so you don't want to talk to me, you want to look at me? James: understood Ava: I wanna listen to you talk Ava: [ring him bitch] James: [telling her a story of everything he wants to do on Monday & it's hot & cute & funny & a mood] Ava: you're so so lovely Ava: stick around please James: you're quite drunk Ava: if I was drunk I'd say lots more James: you are so you can James: I'm listening Ava: no Ava: 🙈 James: you're not afraid of my scary wife but you're afraid of me? Ava: no Ava: but I'm scared of feeling crazy, being Ava: a little madness is key but James: I don't think genuinely crazy people are that self-aware typically Ava: maybe James: You're not crazy, Ava Ava: thank you Ava: probably not curtsy worthy but still James: you've devastated me, but I'll hide it expertly Ava: 😞 nooooooo James: I'll dedicate a suitable amount of book pages to it James: but otherwise, be utterly unaffected Ava: as long as that's the only conflict you're planning Ava: know it propels plot but I'll be very sad James: you'll get your happy ending, that means more to me Ava: you too James: that'll require a very long re-write Ava: maybe Ava: the middle can be shit though Ava: think that's writing 101 James: 😂 Ava: come on Ava: reluctant hero is a great trope James: I'm more of an anti-hero James: it's less about reluctance & more that I lack the necessity attributes, like courage or a trustworthy nature Ava: there's plenty different ways to be a hero Ava: there's plenty different ways to be heroes Ava: it isn't all capes and a misplaced sense of authority and vigilante justice James: I'm aware of that, but isn't the advice to write what you know? I'm hardly surrounded by viable examples James: you can't play every role, darling Ava: or write for the life you wanna have, the person you wanna be Ava: usually advice reserved for making you buy shit suits but I think it applies James: that explains why I've never heard it, in that case Ava: 😏 you were born in a tailored three-piece right James: if my parents were authoring the story, absolutely Ava: as much as parents love me Ava: probably not result in my happy ending James: or mine Ava: no Ava: we'll save that meet-cute James: thank you James: though it's unlikely I'll curtsy either Ava: shame James: I can add it to Monday's to-do list if your heart is set Ava: Your Monday sounds very busy as is Ava: I wanna help you relax and feel good not run yourself into the ground with curtsies etc James: you're sweet Ava: come taste me James: your party guests are bound to notice me Ava: I know Ava: I'd make them all leave if you could though Ava: but you can't James: no, I can't Ava: it's not long to wait Ava: just feels it James: it'll go faster for you, half of it spent in bed Ava: ha Ava: actually will have to entertain children too, worst of all my brother Ava: he's as annoying as he is protective etc and will definitely make me spend time with him before he leaves so we can have Monday James: it's a shame a playdate is out of the question Ava: even if I stole his Ava: can imagine your wife's joy to bump into us at the park James: she'll be far too busy shopping or having brunch with her friends Ava: then tell me it's still not feasible before I think it actually is James: it's a bad idea James: isn't it? Ava: it must be Ava: it's too good James: your brother wants to see you, he'd probably invite himself anyway, right? Ava: Probably Ava: but what if I show up really early and annoy him all day Ava: hype the kids up too James: 😈 Ava: there is one problem James: is there? Ava: my cousin will probably wanna come Ava: idk how I'm telling her no James: you said you'd already sacrificed my brother to her once James: how did that go? Ava: I've not been 👀 on 'em Ava: but I see 😈 what you're saying James: if get Jay to insist that he brings himself & a jumper for goalposts, he might Ava: oh Ava: no we can't James: you don't think it'll work? Ava: I told her some stuff Ava: not about you specifically Ava: but she can't meet you, obviously, she's not daft James: why would you do that, Ava? Ava: I didn't tell her anything James: that's obviously not true Ava: well she has no idea who you are James: you can't tell anyone about us James: I shouldn't even have to be saying that Ava: I haven't Ava: I told her about a boy Ava: I'm sorry but it's not going to affect anything Ava: she's not from here, she's not gonna say anything and she's got nothing to say anyway James: if you've told her enough that she could figure out who I am from seeing me at the park, you've told her too much Ava: I'm saying if your brother is there, it's just obvious Ava: I'm trying to be careful James: it doesn't matter, I'll see you Monday as previously arranged Ava: Well it does Ava: I'm sorry Ava: I'm just saying I don't think I can pretend you're just Teddy's brother, there's no point James: I agree Ava: I can tell her it fizzled out soon okay James: like you said, it won't affect anything Ava: you're still angry James: it's a frustrating situation Ava: yes James: I'm not angry at you James: I shouldn't have done this Ava: Be angry at me Ava: it was stupid but I'm not Ava: I won't tell anyone anything James: I know you're not, how smart you are is one of the 1st things I noticed James: but I obviously need to be smarter Ava: You don't want to do this James: I think we should slow down, you won't have to lie to your cousin & I won't get so carried away Ava: okay James: it's for the best Ava: alright, so what does that look like James: I don't know Ava: just let me know then James: I'll call you Ava: 👍 James: okay Ava: later then

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bread-tab · 3 years ago

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@eeveeprincessxd's tags:

Consider giving a screenshot of this post to your therapist. Seriously.

(Without your username of course! And censored for language if necessary. :P)

This kind of thing can be a good starting point for conversations when you're having trouble describing your feelings or experiences. Add on with concrete examples of how it applies to your own life, if you can think of them.

I'm actually going to print the original post out myself to take to a therapy appointment tomorrow.

It's currently 3:46 a.m. as I write this. I made that post just over two years ago, and here I am still having insomnia. I've learned a lot in that time, though, some of it from the responses to this very post. Knowing what I know now, here's another way of explaining this problem:

There's a ton of advice out there for how to overcome insomnia, mostly centered around the concepts of sleep hygiene. These are habits that make it easier to sleep for most people:

Make sure it's dark, quiet, and otherwise comfortable in the room where you're trying to sleep. Wake yourself up with bright light in the morning, ideally either sunlight or a therapeutic lightbox, to promote the natural awakening process. Avoid screens and other sources of blue light for a couple hours before bed.

Exercising regularly during the day often improves sleep quality. Meditating for a few minutes each day can also help. If you have difficulty sleeping at night, avoid taking naps during the day, since this perpetuates the disturbance in your sleep cycle.

Like a lot of people with ADHD, I've struggled with insomnia for most of my life, and it has only gotten worse under stress of the ever-increasing responsibilities of adult life. I've heard the conventional advice about sleep hygiene hundreds of times. At this point, hearing it reiterated just makes me want to cry.

I'm well aware that I should be doing these things, building these habits into my daily routine. The problem is, I don't have a routine. I struggle with the fundamental process of making habits itself. Sleep deprivation just makes that harder.

I've had trouble getting my sleep issues treated because they seem to be a subset of my ADHD and anxiety symptoms. I might have some undiagnosed sleep disorder which is physically causing the insomnia; thanks to the the pandemic and general life chaos, I haven't been able to find a primary care doctor, let alone get a referral for a sleep study. Meanwhile, the years of sleep deprivation continue piling up. Every well-meaning medical professional I've talked to has advised me to keep trying to improve my sleep hygiene, and in one case to try a melatonin supplement.

And I am going to try that. I'll also continue trying to put all the other aspects of sleep hygiene into practice. But that's missing the point.

My main problem is that I can't get myself to decide to go to bed.

This is hard for people to understand if they haven't experienced executive dysfunction themselves. Because that's what this is: executive dysfunction. Whether it's caused by ADHD or something else (including anxiety, depression, trauma, brain injury, physical illness, or pain), impairment of the executive functions is debilitating on multiple levels. On one level, it makes you more vulnerable to insomnia in general. And on another level, it makes it very difficult to cope with that insomnia, or to treat it.

People often tell me, "just do it." Just go to bed. Stop overthinking it. Well, for someone suffering from executive dysfunction, there is no "just" do anything. I decide to move, and I...don't move. It's an actual disconnect in the brain.

Don't mistake a symptom for the cause; the overthinking is an aftereffect. It's an attempt to apply willpower, to motivate oneself, to persuade that dumb stubborn brain to just do what we need to do, damn it! ...And it rarely works. It's like furiously pedaling a bicycle with a broken chain. It doesn't matter if you won the Tour de France yesterday; you're not getting anywhere.

All the sleep hygiene in the world isn't going to help if I don't go to bed.

Of course, sleep deprivation makes executive dysfunction worse. So we get stuck in these vicious cycles; sleeping poorly, struggling more in other areas of life, and then losing more sleep over that. It can feel like your life is falling apart. Which makes it incredibly difficult to get those sleep hygiene habits in place.

Make sure the room is dark and comfortable? It'll never be comfortable enough. Sensory oversensitivity makes your softest sheets feel scratchy, you hyperfocus on the hum of the refrigerator on the other side of the house, a tiny blinking LED from some device you're never noticed in the daytime seems to light up the whole room, your pajamas are trying to strangle you, the blankets are too hot but you can't sleep without the weight. If you stay up until 5 a.m., though, when you're utterly exhausted and can't keep your eyes open anymore, none of that bothers you!

Wake yourself up with light? You can barely wake yourself up at all. It takes five alarms to get you conscious enough to realize that you're going to be late for work, which is the only thing that can get you to think about leaving the blissful embrace of your nice warm bed. Forget sunlight, you're about to miss your online class. Maybe a lightbox would help, but those cost money, and you don't know where to buy one. You'll think about it, though. You'll think about it for the next three years, and then impulsively buy one because there's a 10% off sale, and then you will stick it under your bed for a moment and forget it ever existed. Searing your eyeballs with the light from your phone the moment you wake up is probably almost as good, right?

Speaking of your phone, don't use it for at least an hour before your bedtime. Don't forget to turn on "do not disturb" and make sure your alarms are set for the next day, but don't check social media! Oops, you instantly opened TikTok and an hour disappeared. It's reflex. Also, don't watch TV to wind down, or read a book on your tablet. Acquire a paper book. Rack up some library fines. Feel that glorious lack of connection to the world around you, like a warm blanket of loneliness and boredom.

Avoiding screens before bed is one of the sleep hygiene practices I've actually managed with some success in the past, and oh boy, did I suffer. Understimulation is something people with ADHD or anxiety are extremely vulnerable to at night. We might call it boredom, but that really understates the intense mental distress and restlessness of lying still in the dark with an understimulated brain.

You can be overstimulated and understimulated at the same time, by the way! Now that's a doozy to handle when you're so tired you can't think straight.

Another sleep tip I haven't mentioned is to avoid caffeine and other stimulants in the afternoon. This is a problem for a lot of people with undiagnosed executive dysfunction who happen to self-medicate with things like coffee, caffeinated soda, energy drinks, or cigarettes. It would be nice to be able to sleep, sure, but it's extremely difficult to quit something that you're relying on to get through the day.

People with ADHD in particular also tend to respond weirdly to stimulants because of differences in our brain chemistry. Stimulants make some of us sleepy. Personally I have an Adderall prescription that is (ideally) not supposed to wear off until after I'm asleep; it makes it easier for me to sleep, not harder. This sleep tip is not universal.

That being said, if you're using a stimulant, make sure you know how it works and how it might be affecting your sleep. For example, caffeine works differently from prescription stimulants. Even if it makes you sleepy, it might interfere with your ability to actually sleep (or stay asleep) if you have it too close to bedtime. Caffeine makes you more alert by blocking the receptors that detect a chemical that builds up naturally in your cells the longer you're awake, which your brain uses as a signal that you're tired. Your brain kind of assumes you must have already slept, because that's normally the only time the levels of tiredness-chemical go down. So you're basically gaslighting an already-confused brain; tread cautiously. Different stimulants target different receptors, so if they do help but you're having bad side effects, consider trying a different one.

(Disclaimer: Obligatory reminder that I'm not qualified to give medical advice. I'm also not a pharmacologist and I might be misremembering some of that. The gist is there, though. "Tiredness chemical" is an essential thing in cellular biology, starts with an "A." It's a byproduct of breaking down a bigger molecule in the process of taking in energy. I don't remember the actual names of things, I just remember discovering that our brains basically figure out how tired we are by measuring the equivalent of piles of dirty dishes.)

Whoops, I've spent an hour writing this and I'm supposed to be sleeping! But hey, I've written half of the article on ADHD sleep tips that google couldn't give me. Might as well finish it.

My best actual advice for how to cope with this particular sleep problem is to have compassion for yourself. Be patient with your brain as it struggles to sleep. Be gentle with your tired self.

A lot of us have trouble giving up our "secret free extra time" because we're stressed out and don't have enough time to chill or get things done during the day. Don't punish or shame yourself for wanting a little more time. Learn to listen to your body when it asks for rest. Even if you can't bring yourself to actually rest, just listen, and learn to accept that you have that need.

In the middle of the night, many of us find it easier to focus and be creative. It's dark and quiet; the conditions that are ideal for sleeping can also be soothing to an anxious brain. If you find yourself drawn to that aspect of staying up all night, try coming at the problem from both sides: during the day, take steps to avoid things that are overstimulating, so hopefully you won't feel the need for as much decompression time. And at night, lean into the idea of taking time for yourself, whether you can sleep or not. Don't use that time for work, school assignments, or anything else with stressful topics or a deadline involved.

Sometimes the sticking point is around transitions and messed up chronoception. Before sleeping, you have to wrap up everything you were doing that day. It's easy to procrastinate sleeping while you try to finish things. And then there's brushing your teeth, changing into pajamas, and possibly moving a pile of laundry off of your bed; a series of tasks you might not feel like doing or remember to leave time for. I'll admit, I've had my share of stubborn nights where I work on something until my brain stops putting together coherent sentences, and then I conk out in that pile of laundry.

Not only is it hard to transition out of a day, it's hard to jump into the next one. Once you've had a taste of free extra time, it's hard to skip it. But a "healthy sleep schedule" demands just that. There's no rest between days. Our brains are tired. When we're supposed to be going to sleep, we're also really not ready to press "start" on a process that feels like it's going to teleport us to another morning where we have to drag ourselves out of bed and immediately go to work. So we rebel.

If I had a solution to that, I wouldn't have "insomniac" in my bio anymore. It's rough. This is a struggle against both external pressures and our own biology.

So far, I've been working on convincing myself that going to sleep is going to reward me with a better experience in the morning. It's slow going, because, uhhh...I have to actually sleep to prove to myself that it works. Actually sleeping is the problem. So I have spent months repeatedly convincing myself to try green eggs and ham going to bed while my brain rolls its eyes and says "I do not like to go to bed."

It feels like I'm making progress, though. Not always. I got four hours of sleep yesterday, in the middle of the afternoon, and that didn't feel like progress. It's not linear at all. But I've made huge strides in other areas. I used to count down the minutes until I had to get up in the morning, working myself up for an anxiety attack when my alarm finally went off. Haven't done that in years now.

The rest of the work is continuing to try and do the sleep hygiene things when I can and work on time management skills, to mitigate the bad sleep/disorganized day cycle of doom. A good decade of sweating (and occasional crying) over schedules has taught me that if you're allowed to take extra time and give yourself longer to do things, you should. The trick there is to remember it's not actually "extra" time that you can fill with distractions. It's time for breathing.

I don't have a conclusion for this except that after I finish this post, I'm going to bed. That'll be several hours earlier than yesterday and I'm going to get a bit more sleep, although not much more at this point. But it's still a win. I'll take all the wins I can get.

(I apologize to anyone with ADHD trying to read this post. I'm aware of the irony. Will try to write a shorter version at some point.)

i KNOW the sleep tips, google. trust me, i know about the darkness and the light and evil screens and exercise and meditation and not napping. i know “”“how”“” to sleep. what i need you to tell me is how to convince my fuckass adhd brain that i need to give up on doing things for the day and that the hours between midnight and five a.m. are NOT secret free extra time that no one will notice if i steal

#the i know the sleep tips post #sleep deprived #adhd feels #adhd advice #sleep advice #long post #oh shit long post #that i wrote instead of sleeping and that happens to be about insomnia #why am i like this #i actually feel better mentally than i did earlier though #thinking through this stuff is helping me get out of a funk #coping #mental health

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wlw-lovestruck-fiction · 3 years ago

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Hello!

I came here to ask for some advice I guess, but I'm not sure what exactly I'm looking for, so I'm just gonna share what's on my mind. I think I want to be a writer or at least get into it more again. A few years back I was really into writing fanfiction for my favorite shows and I really expanded the different worlds. But I never managed to finish something. I also wouldn't say I'm the best with words most of the time. Over the past years I've written some short stuff here and there constantly from my daydreams, but I've never written or imagined a world completely on my own and I keep slipping back into worlds from shows that I really like. I also quickly abandon my ideas, because I either have too many of them and I lose grip of what I actually want or I have none at all. English isn't my first language, but I write in it most of the time and even think in it often. I'm not comfortable writing in my first language which is probably really odd, but I guess I'm not comfortable enough in either of them to at least start off with publishing some fanfictions. Maybe I'm not made to be a writer after all. I really love creative stuff like writing, drawing, painting, poems, journaling, but I wouldn't say my skills are really good in any of them. I try to get better at drawing, but I usually can't keep up. Probably this is also just a phase. Everything just feels like a phase, beside me feeling at peace with arts and writing in general. But I also feel like that's like one of the rather unlucky areas to be striving in in today's world (if it was ever different). But I guess nothing about my life is ever easy or easier, so it would at least stay in line with my current life? I don't really see myself anywhere, maybe it's because I wasn't meant to do what (I would say) most people do. I don't really consider being an artist or writer something a lot of people do, because in my eyes it's really hard to get successful with it. I hope that doesn't sound wrong or offends anyone. Maybe I was simply just made to create. But maybe that's just wishful thinking, because currently it just feels like my only ability is to destroy. But looking at it from a different angle, you can also create something with destruction. I could also see myself doing YouTube, but I don't really know if that would be a good idea. YouTube probably isn't really considerd a real job. I feel like telling someone my dream is to be a YouTuber/Writer/Artist would be silly. I don't even know if it can be called a dream. It's just something I love most of the time.

We're always happy to listen to you, anon!

First off anon, damn, that's exactly how I feel about writing too! It's actually why I decided to focus on being a translator instead of a writer, because I'm not good at finishing any of my ideas and the ones I do finish are short stories for fandoms, not anything original.

Writing is hard. I respect the hell out of anyone that manages to finish a book. Something that has worked for me is to keep focusing on short stories - at least that's easier to finish. Maybe you could start with that, anon. I understand the frustration of being unable to come up with a world of your own and use worlds from fandoms instead, but there's no use in beating yourself over it. Eventually, you'll strike gold. I'm saying that because it happened to me recently 😅 after years of only using fandom for my works, I finally created something original for my short story class. I'm trying to see if I can get it published but it's going to be a long, hard road. I already got rejected once lol

Second, I understand that about your first language. Writing in Spanish is super weird for me - I see English as more natural, while Spanish comes off as more serious and that affects my writing.

And hey, YouTube has totally risen as a career nowadays. I see it as hard as writing though - it's hard to get an audience and content and everything but I think you can pull it off with the right idea and vision. A dream is an important source of motivation, anon! There's no harm in following it 😄 - Mod Jessa

#anonymous #answered

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letgoofmygreggo · 8 years ago

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angsty smornby prompt if you want to do it? (also can i say that last fic was amazing): "everyone knows i like you but you're completely oblivious, what a cliche, and they won't stop teasing me but somehow you never hear - one day you do hear and drag me into a room and say you don't feel the same way, and now i have to pretend that nothing happened and it's so hard i can't do it anymore"

Here we go! Thank you so much for the kind words! It is so nice to hear that people like my writing! Sorry about the wait! Though I expect everyone is use to it by now ;P Anyway I hurt my own heart with this and not only because sad smornby but also because of the whole pact I made to myself to include Xephgor in every fic I write. Anyway here you go! I hope you enjoy :)

Friends forever.

Everyday seemed to be the same for 17 year old Alex Smith. He would wake up at 7.30am, slowly get dressed and wait on his front porch for Ross and Trott to come pick him up and head to school. The rest of the day was just class after class filled with banter and plenty of mocking, mostly directed at him and his not so secret crush on his best friend Ross.

He had been crushing on Ross for the past 3 years and everyone seemed to know apart from the man himself. It had become a joke among all of his friends, they took every chance they could to remind Smith of this fact. Though thankfully they could tell when they were taking things too far and stopped.

The weekend was his only safe haven from it all. Saturdays he would hang out with Ross and Trott, either at the skate park or at Ross’ place where they would play video games. Since it was just the three of them Trott would lay off Smith, only saying something every now and then when Smith made it too good to pass up.

Sundays were the only days Smith didn’t see either Ross or Trott and they were simultaneously the best and worst days of the week. They were bad because he didn’t get to see Ross, but they were the best because it was the one time he was able to get all of his feelings off his chest.

He wasn’t the only love struck fool amongst his group of friends. Tom was hopelessly in love with Lewis but he actually managed to keep it a secret from everyone but Smith and Tom’s best friend Sjin. Well actually he had confronted Smith with a proposition and told Smith in the process. Tom suggested that they get together every now and then to get their feelings out since it helps to talk things out and all that.

It actually worked. Smith swore it was the only reason he managed to survive each week. Tom would come over mid afternoon and the two boys would lay on his bed and talk for hours about the boys that held their hearts. They were both glad to have someone who understood their feelings and didn’t mock them for being mushy.

In hindsight their little get together probably wasn’t the best idea as it gave them both hope. And while hope can be a strong motivator it can also make downfalls feel 100 times worse.

Smith’s downfall occurred on a tuesday afternoon during last period study in the student lounge.

Smith, Ross,Trott Lewis and Tom all sat around a table chatting away as usual, any idea of doing actually work forgotten long ago. Especially since Tom had brought in his wii and a tank fighting game after finding and old TV in the back of the room. The game had brought out the over competitive nature in all five boys. Tom was currently sitting back as Smith and Lewis faced off against Ross and Trott.

Currently Ross and Trott were kicking ass. Lewis and Smith mostly unable to get a kill.

“YES.”

Smith cheered as he finally got a kill for his team. Trott looked at him.

“Why did you blow me and not Ross? Everyone knows you wanna blow Ross.”

Smith’s fingers froze and Ross opportunity to blow up Lewis, ending the game.

“YES WE WIN.”

Trott yelled and hi fived Ross.

The four boys placed their controllers on the table and looked towards Tom.

“What now?

Tom looked towards Smith and the man gave him a small nodd.

“Actually I was thinking about going for a walk. Um Lewis wanna join?”

“Yeah sure!”

Lewis smiled and the two boys got up and left the room.

Smith couldn’t help but smile at Tom as they left, giving his friend a thumbs up in support. They had talked about it on sunday, Tom was sick of just sitting back and doing nothing. Especially after the drunk kiss the two of them had shared a few weeks ago that Lewis seemed to of forgotten. He had decided that this week was the week he was going to ask Lewis out. Smith was proud of him and supported him.

“Hey Smith, I could do with a walk too, let’s go yeah?”

Smith looked up in surprise before smiling.

“Sure thing mate!”

Smith got up and followed Ross out of the door, ignoring Trott’s complaints about being ditched.

—————

Ross and Smith walked in silence for a few minutes until Ross broke the silence once they reached the middle of the football field.

“So the guys have been making a lot of jokes about you being into me lately.”

Ross spoke softly, a hint of sadness lacing his voice.

“Um yeah well you know them. Always over exaggerating and stuff.”

Smith let out an awkward laugh and ran his hand through his messy auburn hair.

“But they aren’t are they? Not really.”

Ross stopped in his tracks, eyes never leaving his shoes. Smith stopped too and looked at Ross with worry.

“Ross…”

Before Smith could say anything else Ross cut him off.

“You like me a lot don’t you?”

Ross’ gaze didn’t move and Smith followed his lead and began to look at his own shoes.

“……… yeah.”

Silence fell and Smith grew more and more nervous. Silence was not a good sign.

“Smith I…. I care about you a lot okay? You are my best friend and I love you. But only as a best friend. I’m sorry.”

Smith continued to breathe, he focused on each breath in and each breath out. Counting each second praying that all of a sudden he would wake up from this nightmare.

“Smith..”

Ross sounded so sad, so apologetic and Smith’s heart felt like it was falling apart.

“No no that’s fine. You can’t help how you feel anymore than I can.”

Smith tried to smile and seem as happy as possible no matter how empty he felt inside.

“So are we cool?”

Ross finally looked at Smith for the first since the conversation started. He was giving Smith a look filled with hope which Smith found ironic in a way. It was the same type of hope Smith had once held. The last thing Smith wanted was to take that look off his face.

“Of course man!”

Smith smiled at Ross and Ross returned the smile.

“Awesome! Let’s head back to the other’s yeah?”

Smith was about to reply when he felt his phone go off in his pocket.

“Sure thing man just let me check my phone first.”

Smith pulled out his phone and immediately his face fell.

‘2.46pm Angory

I’m in your bedroom.’

“Sorry I have to go.”

Smith started walking away from a confused Ross.

“Smith where are you going! School isn’t over yet!”

Smith just continued to walk, pretending he didn’t hear Ross.

——————–

Smith let his bag fall to the floor the second he entered his house. Running through the hallway, Smith darted into his bedroom and felt his heart break for the second time that day.

Tom was sitting on the ground, back against the far wall, Smith’s secret bottle of whisky in his hand and half empty.

Noticing Smith, Tom looked up from the floor and meet his gaze. Tom’s eyes were red and tears were clearly running down his face.

Seeing Tom completely destroyed broke any barrier Smith had been putting up against his own emotions and he joined his friend in crying. Taking a few steps forward, Smith reached Tom and sat beside him on the floor.

“Ross told me he only see’s me as a friend and nothing more.”

Neither boy made eye contact as Tom handed the bottle of alcohol over to Smith who took a swig.

“I can one up you on that. Lewis not only told me that he only see’s me as a friend, but that he has also recently started dating Sjin. The same Sjin that has known how I feel about Lewis since the beginning. The same Sjin that claims to be my best friend.”

Smith handed the bottle back over to Tom, the boy taking a long drink.

“I’m pretty sure I have more alcohol somewhere in this room. Want to stay the night?”

“And drink away our broken hearts? Sound’s like the only option.”

Bonus! Here is my lil kitten Xeph’s contribution to this fic. Yeah I would of had this done two nights ago but someone likes to sleep on the computer as I use it.

lno=78o2l===========================================================================================================================================================================================================================================================;gg;g0pgg;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;p0 ;K~ l4’i1 =]| >>>>>>>>>>>>/Tyg5iegvb6kytghkrfbvvik vv9/,o 3

#anon #letgoofmygreggo #writing #smornby #xephgor #Hannie Writes

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