#narrative and i LOVE that kelly doesn’t let him get away with it. says fuck you if it doesn’t matter why NOT be the story of the century.

[amwritingmeta]

15x20: New Beginnings

I’d like to speak of the cause and effect of the ending.

I agree that the execution could’ve been skewered just a tiny bit and it would’ve made the overall impression more palatable, but assuming production was at the very least hampered by COVID restrictions, we know that this wasn’t actually Dabb’s final vision. It’s what we’ve got, though, and it still leaves us with a lot of tying up of narrative threads. 

How?

We have a final image of Dean and Sam together and I understand why this is irksome and why it feels regressive. Here’s why I think it actually isn’t:

Dark Side of the Moon tells us that Dean and Sam are most definitely not soulmates meant to share a Heaven. Dean’s memories are focused on Sam while Sam’s memories are completely devoid of Dean. Dean also needs to find Sam (and is helped to do so by Cas). Ie. they brothers are not in a shared Heaven, the way Jimmy and Amelia and Mary and John are highlighted to be.

We also know that Heaven’s system is basically a prison for the mind of the souls of those who have died, right? You get stuck in your best memories. This is simply Heaven’s idea of benevolence, because Heaven, and the angels, have never understood how much choice and free will matter to humanity.

So. No matter how much Dean and Sam succeeded in saving the world throughout our narrative, they were still always headed for forced separation and this prison for their minds and being filed away behind one of those white doors, in essence ceasing to exist, and the point of all their trials and tribulations would have been what? Living a long and happy life, only to die and go to what Dean wouldn’t have chosen for himself with a gun to his head? Eternally brainwashed into thinking he’s content? 

Can you think of anything more horrible to be waiting at the end of their road?

So the point to this ending we got is, to me, gloriously clear and it’s this:

The journeys of these men, throughout this entire narrative, made the new Heaven possible. 

This new Heaven, where there’s freedom of choice and endless possibility for exploration. Where human souls are now granted an afterlife worth actually living, where everyone can reconnect with the people they’ve cared about, the people they’ve loved. 

(Buddhists have six Heavens and believe life exists on multiple planes meaning when you die you simply transcend to the next plane where there’s more living to be done) (Swedish children’s author Astrid Lindgren explored the death of two brothers through sacrifice and illness in her novel The Brothers Lionheart and in the mythology of this book the first Heaven one enters just after death is called Nangijala, and once you die in Nangijala you move onto Nangilima and so on) (etc.) 

What we get in the Supernatural mythos is that there’s no more prison for the mind. No more only soulmates get a shared Heaven: ie. family genuinely doesn’t end in blood.

So look at what this means for the entire structure of our narrative and our character journeys -->

The Road 

If Dean and Sam hadn’t been codependent, they wouldn’t have made those bad choices that brought Cas into the narrative. 

If Cas hadn’t been influenced by Dean to rebel and start making bad choices of his own, he never would’ve made Heaven fall apart by trying to stitch it together and teach angels free will and stepping into a leader role he wasn’t quite ready for, and he wouldn’t have begun on the journey that brought him right to the moment when he expressed his need of bringing back a win for Dean, and for himself.

That win, turns out, was Jack. 

Cas’ faith in Jack, Cas fighting for Jack, Cas feeling responsible and stepping into the Good Father Figure in order to keep his promise to Kelly and protect Jack was what led to Cas making a bad deal with the Empty, but that bad deal also left Cas with the opportunity to save Dean’s life when death was threatening to break down that door and kill them both.

The remarkable truth that’s added to this moment is that Cas’ journey has brought him to a place in his progression where he’s no longer afraid of his feelings, he’s no longer questioning them or thinking they mean a weakness he shouldn’t let define him, because he realises that what he needs isn’t Dean to love him back for that love to be real, to be valuable and valid. His fear of alienating Dean through loving him is the lie. That’s where his happiness stems from, him recognising and finally embracing this truth. 

Because the love he feels isn’t a weakness. It never was: it’s his strength. It’s always guided him, even when he didn’t realise it.

And the strength of it lets him tell Dean exactly how he sees him and that he loves him, and opening up to and being honest with himself is what allows Cas to integrate with his shadow. The Empty takes him, but Cas is at peace, because he no longer fears and avoids his unconscious, he no longer needs to engage in suppression and repression of his emotions, and so his shadow no longer holds any sway over him, which is a fact given to us by how Cas’ ending in this narrative means him being free of the Empty. 

A freedom that never would have been granted, never would have been possible, without his faith in, his fighting for and his protection of Jack.

Cas’ words to Dean makes Dean begin his final steps into integration as well, meaning Cas’ declaration of love directly affects the outcome of the fight against Chuck, because Dean wants Cas back, but it’s not everything he’s focused on, since it shouldn’t be everything he’s focused on. 

It can’t be, since there are bigger fish to fry, and because of Cas’ view of him, Dean is opening up to his true self, to trust, to having faith in himself, which allows for a letting go of the need for control and thinking it’s all on him and everything is his responsibility or everyone dies. 

Thanks to this, we get Dean in teamwork mode with Sam and Jack, the three of them together figuring out how to manipulate Michael into bringing Chuck to them in order for Jack to de-power him. 

Dean’s integration is complete, and given to us through the symbology of his inner child (Jack) sucking the power out of his shadow (Chuck) and is then underlined by the ego (Dean) telling his de-powered shadow that it’s to be forgotten. Dean’s shadow, which has fed on and also fuelled the need in Dean for repression and suppression, no longer holds any sway over him. 

And Dean’s understanding and embracing of his true identity is highlighted by how he refuses to kill Chuck. 

Because that’s not who Dean is: he’s not a killer. He’s internalised Cas’ view of him. Cas’ truth making way for Dean’s own truth to shine a light. 

Dean is done with self-denial. And self-destruction. 

Which is what 15x20 is all about: that lack of self-destruction and the finality of goodbye.

Because Dean being shown to accept the finality of the loss of Cas has such direct bearing on Dean’s ability to accept the finality of saying goodbye to his brother.

The Greatest Love Story Ever Told

All of this, all of it, is because of and thanks to Cas’ LOVE for Dean. 

Thanks to the moment that allowed Cas to express it and to SEE Dean for who he truly is. 

Thanks to the moment of Cas’ integration we get Dean integrating.

And it’s so beautiful that it’s the loss of Cas this time that allows for Dean to do this, because he’s always plummeted into despair without Cas. His progression has slowed to a crawl without Cas in the narrative. His entire sense of self, his entire source of faith in anything, being drained out of him. 

This has been romantic and lovely and fabulous, but it’s also so unhealthy. 

Dean being shown to mourn, to want Cas back, to expect Cas at the end of that phone call, only for him to move away from the need and want to have Cas back, recognising that it’s possible Cas’ return is now an improbability and choosing to look to the future, because now he’s feeling worthy of a future, this is such an important detail for the love story to move from profound bond territory...

(where Cas used the bond forged by Heaven as an excuse for why he kept hanging around Dean) (Dean was his charge, his mission, he was meant to protect him) (a view shattered by Hester in S8) (and properly dismantled by the human!Cas arc) (at least the way I see it because that’s where Cas got that love he feels brought into actual stark relay like oh fuck I’m in love with him)

...to the healthy, selfless, loving side to that bond, which isn’t about self-deception, miscommunication and fear, but about blowing all of that apart, letting feelings flow freely, opening up to the truth of them, the strength of them, and these two men being able to finally free themselves of all those past doubts by embracing their true identities.

I realise there’s frustration that we only got part-textual Destiel. I felt it too. But I never expected canon Destiel. I hoped and wished, but up until Cas’ declaration of love, I questioned whether the studio would be onboard, and it turns out they weren’t okay with making SPN an overtly queer narrative. Was Cas’ declaration of love baiting or BYG? I hope my meta reading in this post will tell you how little I feel it was.

So then. Letting go of the initial shock of it all, I’m leaning on what I did expect: the love story so strongly highlighted in the subtext that we were all left with zero doubt that we’d been seeing it there for a reason.

Subtext is part of the text. For any writer worth their salt, subtext is more important than the surface text. Text without subtext is flat and dull. The text we’ve been dealing with for fifteen years has always had layers upon layers.

These final three episodes, as I’ve already pulled on above, brings it in spades and our subtext tells us plainly:

Dean Winchester is in love with Castiel, just as much as Castiel is in love with him. 

How does it tell us this plainly?

Cas is finally able to integrate because he opens up to the truth he’s carried with him for so long: his love for Dean. Unconditional. He no longer needs Dean to say it back, to validate the emotion, Cas is realising that happiness in the feeling itself, in acknowledging it and allowing it free rein. Cas moves into making peace with himself, for himself.

Now, we know Cas loves Dean because, well, declared, but why is it plain that Dean loves Cas back?

Firstly, because of the episode being entirely structured around people in love losing one half. That’s as much of an in-our-faces use of mirroring as underlining of the subtextual love story that we’ve ever gotten from Berens. 

Even stronger than the mirroring, for me, is the fact that Cas’ love for Dean allows Dean to finally move into integration. 

Cas’ words infuse Dean with a sense of self-worth that immediately paves way for him beginning to have all that faith in himself that Cas has always represented to him. The build from 15x18 through to 15x20 is like a gentle moving away from Cas being the external source of Dean’s faith, to Cas’ love and expressed faith revealing Dean’s internal source of faith in himself.

A source which has been suppressed and repressed out of a whole layer of different fears, which have in turn brought on the belief that a toxic masculinity armour was necessary for survival and that all feelings are weaknesses, but because of Cas’ faith in him, because of Cas’ expressed love, Dean is able to no longer need an external source of faith, because he’s now internalised and embraced the truth of what makes him who he is.

Just like Cas is shown to do, we’re given Dean recognising that the love he feels isn’t a weakness, but a strength, because Cas’ words is about Dean’s capacity for LOVE. It’s this love that takes away Chuck’s ability to tell Dean who he is. 

No one can tell you who you are -- you choose who to be. 

For his entire life, right up until that moment in that room with Cas, facing death (literally) all Dean can see himself as is someone who can do nothing and who knows nothing except how to give into his anger (he’s never been able to control it because he’s never recognised the source of it) and find something to kill.

This view of himself has been constantly whispered to him and reinforced by his unconscious, his Shadow-side, who’s kept Dean thinking that he doesn’t have good things last for him, ever, so he can’t have love in his life or a future to look forward to, because he doesn’t deserve it. A perpetual emotional roundabout where his Shadow-side has stayed in complete control.

One might argue this has always been the source of Dean’s anger: his inability to dare open up to his true identity that has kept the toxic masculinity armour in place, kept the performance up, kept him more often than not lying even to himself of who he is and who he wants to be, because he never felt there was a choice in the matter. 

Truly allowing himself to recognise and feel all that longing for love that’s been like a tight ball in his chest always, meant giving into weakness meant getting Sammy killed or himself or both of them meant failure.

But the only way to beat back and conquer our Shadow-side is by recognising and accepting our flaws and no longer feeling unworthy because of them.

That’s what Cas’ words and his love does for Dean. 

That’s right there in the subtext: Dean, even in the moments before certain death, being unable to open up to the truth of who he is and what really drives him; Dean needing his external source of faith, this man that he’s loved for a long time, to tell him that how he sees himself is wrong, to afford him a different view of himself, to bring the truth to light so that Dean can finally feel worthy it, because Dean couldn’t beat his Shadow back on his own, his dark view of himself was much too ingrained for that.

It had to be Cas. The narrative tells us it always had to be Cas. And so it is Cas who saves Dean from himself. And saves Dean’s life. And saves Dean from having to spend his afterlife in a prison of the mind.

Love wins.

And Cas only ever entered the narrative due to Dean’s need to Protect Sammy at all costs, because that has always been such a huge identity marker for Dean, his entire self-understanding and sense of self tied to whether he can keep his brother alive and out of harms way, which, as he grows up, then translates itself into Dean’s enormous capacity for selflessness and caring about others. 

His core trait was never weapon, it was shield. It was protector. Stemming directly from all that love he carries around and can’t allow himself to feel because it means weakness and that means death and that means he’s failed and is worthless and around it has always gone.

And would always have gone, too. If not for Cas.

Love fucking WINS.

I mean. DAMN! It’s so gorgeous.

(this angle still holds even if Dean in any way was ever meant to actually reciprocate in that scene, because it’s made so clear to us how Cas never expects Dean to say it back) (if Dean is meant to say it back and the love story is meant to be textual that would be mind-blowing head-exploding joyful news) (but it doesn’t change the subtextual move away from unhealthy holding on to healthy letting go) (the textual would only ever strengthen the fact that we have subtextual confirmation) 

But what about...?

Yeah, but what about that ending then? What about the last twenty minutes? What about all the focus on the brothers? 

Was the execution of the finale perfect? No, I wouldn’t say it was, but I could see, when I watched the finale again on the 21st, that there was efforts made to make something good enough. Something geared toward tying our narrative up as best as possible with the means presented to Dabb. 

I understand why people feel stuff is missing.

Because stuff is missing. Dabb told us they had to change the ending, that they were supposed to have a whole lot of people back to populate Dean’s Heaven. Found family galore. Misha said the same thing. They couldn’t (I’m not going to speculate on why, it’s just clear that they couldn’t) and so the ending had to be modified. To me that’s fairly plain in how it’s structured.

Did they have to focus so hard on the brothers?

Well... given the restrictions, I think this was the only way to end this narrative, because the story has always been centred on these two brothers and the bad choices and sacrifices they’ve made, and the blood, sweat and tears they’ve shed in order to remain together.

Their absolute inability to let the other go actually kick-started their onscreen journey.

Because this is a story about dependency, and letting go of that dependency to make way for a healthy, equal coexisting; which is what, to me, that final shot is all about.

Should Cas and Jack have been there? Sure! There will always be stuff missing from the final two eps that I’ll wonder about. Like, if Cas was never meant to be in the story (as per Misha he was but let’s say for argument’s sake) then why didn’t Dean just ask, very calmly, in 15x19 of Jack our New God: “What about Cas?” and then Jack our New God could’ve answered gently, but plainly: “He’s at peace.” Simple. Why didn’t we get an establishing of Eileen as Sam’s wife? And it would’ve helped so much to have Charlie and Stevie reestablished in the visual narrative as alive, however plain it is to me that Jack will have brought them back with everyone else who were away-ed by Chuck.

Sure, there could’ve been more.

But what I love about that final shot of the brothers is this canonical fact:

It would not have been possible without Cas. 

Cas learning and growing and integrating to the point that he knows exactly how to fix the home he’s broken more than once, and how to bring free will, at long last, to Heaven, to the benefit of humanity.

And Dean’s little sideways smile (his “I want this smile”) when Cas is mentioned, when he realises that Heaven is different thanks to Cas, well, isn’t that just the darnedest thing? 

*forever headcanon that Dean was expecting to see Cas again somewhere somehow he just didn’t know when and now... here Cas is* 

When Cas went, it took a little time to adjust, but Dean let go of Cas and didn’t make a deal and didn’t go crazy or self-destructive, there was no nosediving into depression, because Cas’ words made those types of coping mechanisms no longer necessary. 

Dean drinks and indulges at the start of 15x19 because he’s still processing, but by 15x20 Cas’ words have been fully internalised, Dean has integrated, and he’s looking to the future. Set on living, because otherwise he’d render Cas’ sacrifice meaningless.

Dean’s death has zero blaze and glory to it. He didn’t expect this day to be the day. But it is. And he accepts it. And because he does, because he’s open and honest with his brother, because he tells Sam all the words he needs Sam to carry with him, gives Sam all the faith in himself that Cas left Dean with, he’s brought to a Heaven that has been readied for him by the love of his life. 

Cas is right there. And he’s been waiting. And he’s used his time well, because Heaven is now the afterlife that Dean deserves. The ultimate salvation. Love and happiness and companionship and LOVE LOVE LOVE. Forever.

If that isn’t the biggest reward for the both of them after everything they’ve been through, I don’t even know what is!

Sam arriving is a given, but I have to say I genuinely do not see Sam as living his life in pain and grief. He’s happy. He loves his kid. He’s a good father. Just like Dean was, and Bobby, and Cas. All the Good Father figures threaded through 15x20. And this narrative has been about these two brothers. It ending on them together, at peace, feels fitting. 

Yeah, but shouldn’t Dean have gotten to live his life?

Sure, this is my interpretation 100%, but Dean’s death feels softly ironic and fitting because it is unexpected. 

I can’t hit on this enough: there’s no blaze and glory.

Dean was ready to make the most of life, but through accepting death and accepting separation from Sam, Dean is brought into the same moment Cas was brought into, a moment of recognising what’s important, where Dean opens up fully to vulnerability and hands over his trust and faith in that Sam will be fine without him, which pushes Sam into the same integration that Cas’ words afforded Dean. Voicing trust and faith will do that for a person.

And Sam’s arc was always dependent, narratively, on the progression of Dean’s arc, so it makes a lot of narrative sense that this needed to happen for Sam to get pushed out of the nest and forced into having proper faith in himself. Because there’s no other choice. 

He’s left doing what he has to and it results in a balance between that family life he’s always wanted (foreshadowed in 15x01) and staying aware of and raising his son to be aware of the reality of their world, given to us via the tattoo on Dean Jr.’s wrist. (oofta I wish he’d had a different name but since everything had to be done in the visual narrative it’s the easiest way to connect us with Dean still being present in Sam’s life so I get it)

There’s also that romantic in me that feels as though Dean is greatly rewarded for all his suffering and struggles, for all those years of living his life in fear and feeling as though he doesn’t matter by not only bringing him into a Heaven he made possible, but by reuniting him with the love of his life and this time they’re equally immortal, equally made of light, equally eternal, equally integrated and balanced and ready to accept all that love and happiness.

That just makes me fucking happy. For them both.

Bring on the New Beginnings

The fact that the narrative has opened itself up to being interpreted as somehow glorifying death or saying that happiness can only be found in death is distressing, but I hope that the threads I’ve pulled on here gives enough of a basis for me to say how I truly feel like this is simplifying why the choice was made for Dean to die.

It’s not about happiness only being found in death. 

It’s not about devaluing living your life, it’s about the idea, the soft hope, even the narrative promise that death, for our characters, not for humanity as a whole, but for these specific men, who have always avoided it and made bad deals and feared separation and been brought into a crisis of identity (Dean because he doesn’t know who he is without Protect Sammy as purpose and Sam because he genuinely and continuously seem convinced that he can’t hunt without Dean to lead the way) whenever death has touched them have now reached a point where the separation is an accepted part of life.

And this acceptance is rewarded: because the separation isn’t forever.

Death is not the end. It makes way for new beginnings. For all three of TFW. Actually all four, because of course Jack is included in this endgame.

There’s a transformation that takes place, thanks to them integrating. They get to transcend what’s come before and move onto the next plane of existence together. 

Together.

TFW 3.0!

Death on this show has always been about a moment of rebirth, of entering a different leg of their journeys.  

I don’t find it out of place at all that the ultimate moment of death for our characters mean just that. 

Not an ending, but a new beginning.

In conclusion

Could there have been more? As said, yes. Absolutely yes. But I doubt Dabb isn’t aware of that. I don’t think this is the ending he originally intended. It might have been a brothers focused ending, because I think Dean was always meant to die and go to Heaven, but Dean’s Heaven was meant to be a celebration of found family. 

The subtext of this narrative is what I’ve been reading and what I’ve been hooked on for four years, and what I’ll continue to be hooked on for the rest of my life, I’m fairly sure. I wish it could be celebrated, the way it always has been, the way we’ve always known to look deeper.

I hoped Supernatural would turn out to be a vehicle for overt representation. I always hoped that, and believe that was what the writers wanted. The fact that we didn’t get overt bisexual Dean and Destiel as unquestionable canon was distressing to me too and I’ll always think of this ending as a missed opportunity and I wish the CW would learn and fucking do better already. 

I understand the frustration, I understand the anger, I just wish we could all look at the richness of this ending and everything it says about the narrative, about our subtext, about our love story, about our character journeys, and lean into the treasury of it.

And omfg we got Cas as canonically queer. 

We got a main character on our show that is overt representation, on a journey towards a moment where he gets to express love and hope and clarity and this in turn moving through and enabling the integration of Dean and ultimately of Sam as well.

Truth begetting truth. Happiness begetting happiness. And love saving the day.

So, my friends, I will say this: saying that all the writing is bad, or claiming that there’s no depth, nothing to pull on, that it all just plain sucked, that doesn’t quite cut it. These three final episodes, just as any episode ever of this goddamn show, contain all of those layers and layers, especially when looked at together and certainly when taken into the context of the show as a whole.

And yes, you are, of course, more than welcome to your own interpretation! 

To finish I’ll quote Bruce Almighty: 

Lovelovelovelovelovelovelove!! 

[mgkconfessions]

Fan pages needs to stop posting those pics as couple goals and omg look they are so cute and only posting the pics from the side or the back. Colson straight up looks miserable, there is literally no denying that, I love him but he looks horrible. People are saying that’s what we are jelouse of?? I mean if he looked like that from far away image how bad he looked from up close. Someone said what if he’s looking miserable on purpose? Then that would make absolute no sense. Articles saying they want to blend families and are they the happiest people ever, public pda, constant date pap walks, then even marriage talk and then the only time they do a family pap walk Colson looks absolutely miserable. And notice Megan made a big deal on the kelly clarkson show about wanting to go back to the universal and how good of a mom she is and then boom that weekend she does a pap walk with her kids and Colson at universal? It’s not a coincidence. Every little thing in this relationship is so staged it can’t even go to the next level the right way. For example the article about Colson wanting to marry Megan as soon as possible, what if Colson and Megan never actually had that talk and their teams just said that to get attention and now it adds unnecessary pressure especially on Colson about marriage, Colson being the happiest he has ever been when in fact he has said several times he isint happy at all and now it’s unnecessary pressure to act like the happy couple for everyone like this whole thing neither of them could actually move to the next stage in the relationship bc the only next stage now is actual marriage and their teams made sure that was the only move they could do. I mean several articles saying how good Colson is with Megan’s kids but we are just now starting to see him around her kids and notice casie is never with them? Casie has been papped with her dad several times just out getting food so why hasint she been papped out getting food with Colson and Megan at least doesint even have to be with her kids just with Megan too? The only time we see her with Megan is when several people are with them and they arint ever interacting

When Megan announced on the Kelly Clarkson show how she couldn’t wait to go to Universal studios with her kids (to present herself as a caring mum) and followed that up by actually going there with them and Kells a couple of days later, I already took it as a pre-planned afternoon for publicity. But I wasn’t expecting her to seriously also hire a paparazzi to really make sure that the public knew where she was and with who lmao! But thanks for the confirmation that this was just another publicity day! This isn’t convincing anyone of being a caring and loving mum tho, because if she had cared about her children and put their well being and privacy first, above her ego and need for attention, she wouldn’t have invited a paparazzi to their family day and made her kids go through that experience in the first place. Although she has already done that multiple times in the past when she ran some errands with them and therefore they might already be used to it, it doesn’t make it any less wrong. Her priority and main focus wasn’t on spending a nice afternoon with her kids and Kells, it was on proving to the public what an amazing blended family they are and how she’s definitely involved as a mum despite people saying something differently. It was literally a business day for her in the name of damage control. At least the kids looked like they had fun tho and since they’re still little I doubt they understand what’s going on and what mommy is using them for. Maybe if she hadn’t talked about it on the Kelly Clarkson show it would have been less obvious, but now she only exposed her own intentions even more. She definitely isn’t winning any plus points by acting like that and how stupid of her to previously complain about Brian using the kids and their photos to appear like a dotting dad, to only do the exact same thing by hiring a paparazzi to a “private” family day with her kids and allowing the tabloids to release pictures of them to appear like a dotting mum so she can get her headline. She isn’t an ounce better than Brian. I guess desperate times call for desperate actions! Megan probably thought that this was the best way to prove people wrong and show them how amazing they all get along, but all she did was prove them what a clout chaser she is and how even Kells seems to be done with playing happy patchwork family with her. He looked so pissed in some pictures and annoyed, I fully believe that he didn’t want to be there at all. He looked like someone gave him a job, he showed up, followed the stage directions (holding kids hands, holding Megan’s hand, let yourself be photographed) to sell the public the narrative that Megan wanted, but that was all that he was willing to do. He literally looked like he couldn’t believe that he had to do this again with Megan and that she again called the paparazzi and he as her official boyfriend had to play happy family again with her. He would never be mean to her kids or ignore them, but he still seemed mentally and emotional checked out that day and like he couldn’t have cared less about trying to appear involved and interested in any of it (see even picture below). He looks more tired and drained than ever and I can’t imagine that with every staged paparazzi moment Megan organizes he isn’t losing a bit of respecting for her too. While Megan seems to love all of this and she’s only starting, Kells seems like he’s ready to end it all, because he can’t do it anymore. I’m telling you this relationship is dead and over and the only reason why they’re still “together” is because of publicity that both of them can use and because they’re dragging out the inevitable break up that is coming. I haven’t posted about it yet, but some of you might have seen that psychic tarot reading from antphrodite about them and he’s one of the few who I actually consider to be pretty accurate and in his reading he said that Megan is acting like she doesn’t want to settle down like Kells, who still wants to have his fun, although that isn’t true and she does want to settle down. Now look at the pictures from

yesterday and doesn’t that give you the same impression? Megan trying hard to turn Kells into a stepdad of three and almost forcing that family thing on him (like all the sources talking about how Kells couldn’t wait to marry her and for Megan to have his babies every single month which I still believe came from Megan’s team to push that narrative to the public and ease Kells into the idea of proposing to her) while Kells looks like reality hit him now and he absolutely isn’t ready to becoming one big family with Megan and her three little children and the more this is pushed onto him, the more he just wants to get away from it. He did look horrible and miserable and almost every comment under the DailyMail article had the same thought that he’s only interested in fucking dating Megan, but he isn’t ready to sign up for her children and that family life too. Speaking of DailyMail, did anyone else notice that although this was clearly Megan’s publicity move for damage control, the headline focused for once on Kells and mentioned him first and made it seem like he was the main person when usually it’s always Megan who is mentioned first? :D I take that as a failed attempt to make it less obvious that this was Megan’s publicity plan by taking away the attention from her being the driving force behind this. Like the first anon above wrote everything they do is so pre-planned, staged and orchestrated, their relationship looks more like a business following a check list with things couples do than a real relationship that focuses on real experiences and emotions. For the anon who is confused, yes even PR couples would include children, get married and introduce the rest of the family. I know it’s mind blowing because of how fake it is but that’s also why Hollywood is super fake and there aren’t a lot of real and authentic people anymore. I’m going back and forth between fully PR and real, but immediately used and sold for publicity and exposure to benefit their careers a week before the BV music video came out and that was like a month or two after they had met each other, so not a lot of time to build anything real between them without the aspect of publicity, especially since during half of that time Sommer was still in the picture. So almost since the very beginning their whole relationship was sold out and they orchestrated the shit out of them. All their love declarations, their lovey-dovey behaviour, what they do, how they present themselves, what they’re involved in, all that stuff was always done with the main intention to sell the public a fantasy love story that they would get invested in with agents, management and pr teams behind them and their relationship enabling and planing with them together. I don’t believe that everything only comes from their teams and is forced onto them, they surely also make their own decisions when they want to use their relationship for promotion and publicity, but like the anon above said when others or yourself immediately force happiness and a big love story on you although you haven’t even reached that stage in your life or relationship yet (that includes Megan calling him her twin flame right from the start too and Kells emotions being forced to reach that level of intensity then as well instead of allowing them to grow there), then it only adds pressure to make up for what doesn’t exist and suddenly you’re faking your own relationship although you actually are in a relationship and everything you do becomes more about how that appears in the public and what they think about you as a couple. You will be more busy with pretending to be an amazing couple than spending time on being one. I hope you understand what I mean, because that’s how I see them. But in reality their relationship seems to be shattered, lots of insecurities, jealousy, arguments and simply over although they’re still together and put on an act with their on stage kisses, matching nails and Megan following him everywhere he goes. In the context of it all, it doesn’t have a lot of meaning anymore.

P.S.: their trip was on Saturday, Mother’s Day was on Sunday for anyone who is still confused about that.

[4point7]

CRASH: A Deadpool Fiction

Written in response to @firefly-in-darkness​ ‘s Winter Writing Challenge.

Prompt: Unexpected visitor on Christmas Eve

Characters: Deadpool x Reader

Warnings: 18+ (Smut), Guns, Elton John, Unicorn, Corn Hole, Use of the word vociferated, guarenteed panty wetter.

Word Count: 2,462

You said your good nights and Merry Christmasses to your family in the corridor. The giddiness and glee of Christmas has never left you. You couldn't help but feel excited knowing that in just a few hours you would all be together again celebrating your favourite day of the year in the wonderful city of Manhattan. You closed the hotel door behind you, took a couple of steps, raised your arms and flung yourself on to the luxury duvet. The bedding engulfed you in it's thick, soft grasp. You let out a long, satisfied sigh as you gazed at the ceiling. The Christmas lights of the world outside were cascading through the window and illuminating the ceiling with splashes of beautiful colours. You could here the occasional sounds of passers by singing Christmas songs as they enjoyed the last hours of festivities on the eve of the big day. The butterflies in your stomach took flight as you reveled in the joy of the occasion and the anticipation of the day ahead.

"Hey Siri, play Christmas Hits". With an obedient acknowledgment your phone kicked into action and Step Into Christmas by Elton John started to project out of it's speakers. You leaped to your feet and started to dance around the room as you got undressed. You threw your clothes wherever you pleased as you twirled around the room. First your Santa hat is flung on to the bed post, your shoes are kicked off in to the corner of the room, your blouse thrown on to the chair, jeans over the TV, bra draped on the lampshade and finally your red Christmas panties landed in the trash can under the vanity table. As your de-robing came to an end, so too did the song and you launched yourself on to the bed once more. The soft fabric of the sheets felt delightful against your bare skin. It gave you that same warm, cosy feeling like sitting by an open fire with a hot drink on a thundery night in winter. You ran your fingers along the smooth folds of the bedding and up to the pillow. You knew you shouldn't, not here, not with a pillow that is not your own but you couldn't help yourself. It's Christmas Eve after all, you deserve to treat yourself. The bedding is so delicate you just know it will feel good. You climbed to your knees, grabbed the pillow, placed it between your thighs, lowered yourself down on to it and started to gently grind yourself back and forth. You were right, maybe it was the silky texture against you or maybe it was knowing that you shouldn't be doing it but it felt fantastic and you could feel yourself getting slick with each movement of your hips. You arch your back and look up at the dancing lights as you press down onto the pillow. Then suddenly, from outside, there arose such a clatter. The lights on the ceiling vanished for a second as something obscured them, then... *CRASH* A red figure came hurtling through your window. You let out a shrill scream and scrambled to gather as much of the duvet as possible to cover your innocence. "Cover her innocence. HA. The girl was playing giddy up pony butt naked with a hotel pillow. Any innocence she had has been left the other side of that hotel door!" The man mumbled seemingly to no one in particular as he rose to his feet. You could do nothing but stare in shock, transfixed in terror. Snowflakes and cold air were spilling in through the now shattered window. You watched as the virgin white snow stained red as it blended with the blood left on the floor. You followed the red stream with your eyes to the feet of the man now stood in the middle of your room and guided your eyes up his body. He was dressed all in red and black. You let out a frightened gasp as you saw that he was strapped with a whole host of weapons. You scuttled backwards and pressed your back hard against the wall as if to get as far away as possible. You notice now that his face is covered by a mask with two ghostly white eyes staring straight in your direction. You let out another scream. As if caught off guard he raises his hands to his mouth and let's out a scream of his own. "Don't do that, you scared me", he says in a tone riddled with sarcasm. "I'm probably not the man in a red suit you were expecting tonight! I'm a whole lot less jolly and a heap more Big Dick Energy. Let me introduce myself, I am Deadpool. You can call me Dead, Mr. Pool, D. Piddy, Duff Paddy or any other cool sounding shit you can come up with. And despite my strapping physique and assortment of highly deadly weaponry, I mean no harm to you. If anything, I should be scared of you, looks like you're packing a couple of bazookas there!" You pull the covers higher up and pull them close around your neckline. Then you just sit there, trembling through both fear and the cold as you gape at him. He wasn't lying about his physique. You notice the outline of his muscles under his skin tight suit. "I am incredibly sorry about the window thing, I was just having a little altercation with a friend and next thing you know, I have been thrown through a pane of glass. Standard Christmas Eve, right?" He let out a laugh and started to walk towards the window. "You know what? I will be back to apologise properly in a minute, I just need to have a quick word with my friend". He looked up to the ceiling and began to talk to it, "Don't you dare stop reading. I totally need to bang this hottie in a few paragraphs!" And with that he jumped out into the cold. You startle as you hear a gun shot from the street outside, a few moments pass and he reappears at the window again. You couldn't see his mouth but you could tell he was smiling. "Conversation over". He climbed back inside, the shards of glass cracking underfoot as he approached the side of the bed. "Now for my apology. Hey Siri, play Bump n' Grind by R. Kelly". The song starts to stream from somewhere on his person. *My mind's telling me no... but my body... my bodies telling me yeeeees* Deadpool speaks over the music, "You know what? In hindsight, this song is a little creepy and it's certainly not festive enough. Let's try something different. Hey Siri, play All I Want For Christmas Is You". The track skips. "Much better". You didn't know what it was. If it was his muscle clad frame, his so called big dick energy or just the plot having to be pushed forward regardless of narrative to a point at which the two of you are fucking, but you felt strangely attracted to him all of a sudden. You loosened your grip on the sheets and let them drop to your waist revealing your nip nips. Deadpool looked up to the ceiling again "Sweet Christmas, if you look half as good IRL as you are making yourself out to be here, I need to ride that horse to happy town. P.S. sorry Luke Cage, I didn't mean to steal your catchphrase." He looks back down at you. Your nipples were as hard as senior year Algebra because of the now freezing cold room but you didn't care. You whipped the cover completely off of your body revealing your sloppy south mouth. It was as wet a whales blow hole down there! "Well, this escalated quickly. Thank you writer!" He unbuckled his belt and his assortment of guns clattered to the floor. "Well, if we are releasing our weapons, let me introduce you to...", he reached in to his pants and lopped out his ginormous sex pistol. "... my weapon of ass destruction!" he exclaims. "Sorry mate, I ain't feeling in to butt stuff tonight. I haven't prepared the rocky road to be ventured by a wayward traveler tonight", you reply. "... My weapon of fanny destruction", he corrects himself. "It just doesn't have the same ring to it. Oh well," he shrugs. He steps forward and you see his pleasure sausage in all it's glory. It. Is. Huge. It is also knobbly as fuck which is a little grotesque but you think to yourself, "Fuck it, I bet that bobbly boy bone will feel bonza rearranging my guts." You leap in to action, open your mouth like hungry trout and gobble up his shaft. You take it right the way down inside you. It feels so deep that the only explanation is that his bellend must be half way around your large intestine by now. He bounced his hips up and down and your whole body is thrown up and down with the motion, slapping haphazardly against the bed. You are like a skewered pig! Your minge juice is splattering all over the walls as you flop about. He reaches over and spanks your ass hard. If you like it, he keeps doing it. If you don't, he stops. Whatever you want really. You probably like it. You try to say speak but you can't, what with being all full with the purple helmeted warrior of love. Your speech just comes out like this, "gch gyt cfrrrrch zkkkr glk pffft". "What was that?" he says as he pulls his manhood from inside you leaving you feeling empty like a gutted fish! "I said fuck me, Duff Paddy!" You plead. "I take it back, don't call me Duff Paddy that totes ain't cool". "Fine, fuck me like I'm on the naughty list and you're Santa teaching me a lesson". He slaps your face so hard that you spin 180 degrees on the bed, your slime well now facing him, ready to give him the toothless blowjob of his life! He reaches over to the bed post, grabs your Santa hat that landed their earlier and places it on his head. Then rams his candy cane cock right up inside you and starts talking in a deep voice, "Listen here Y/N, I hear that you are on the naughty list". "I am Santa, I have been a naughty girl. You should teach me a lesson". His deep voice booms out again as his bumpy womb broom penetrates your entire body. "The hypotenuse is the longest side of a right angle triangle", he bellows. "It is located on the opposite side to the right angle itself". This is not the lesson that you had in mind but fuck it, his winky felt pretty alright inside you so let's just crack on with it. You do loads of moans and stuff as the knowledgeable St. Nick rattles off math facts. Your pink penis palace is a slobbery mess like Fang from the Harry Potter franchise. The squelch of your fanny is so intense that with each thrust it sounds like an army of elves are juicing oranges in perfect harmony. With each energised pound it feels like a coil is tightening in your stomach drawing you closer and closer to climax as the fuckery intensifies. He stops and pulls out for a second before shoving his entire hand up your cooch. He starts groping about like and old man searching the bedside cabinet for his dentures in the dark. He grabs hold of what he has been searching for and pulls his hand out. "What in the name Santa's workshop is this tightening coil doing inside your foof?" He throws the coil out of the broken window and sticks his mangled meat all up inside you again. You cum anyway, turns out the coil had fuck all to do with it. And boy is it a big old cum. You scream really loud. Like "AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH! YEEEEEEEEEEEESSSS. I'M A FUCKING UNICORN ON A RAINBOW ROCKET." Fuck knows why you shouted that last bit but you did. Your entire body shakes like a bowl full of jelly. You're shaking so hard that you vibrate off the bed and hit the floor where you continue to pulsate. This is how your vibrator must feel when it falls off the bed post orgasm. Deadpool rushes over, picks you up from the floor and places you on your knees in front of him before sitting on the side of the bed, his tally wacker throbbing in your face. "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas, Y/N. Make Santa's dream cum true and suck that slush right out my schlong". You don't need to be told twice. You gobble, gobble, gobble like a Christmas Turkey. You salivate on that clam hammer like a toothless grandma eating a humbug. "OH BABY JESUS, STICK A FINGER IN CORN HOLE", he shouts. Not usually your thing but we are nearing the end of the story now and you really want to taste that eggnog. As his bauble-esque nuts clap against your chin you slip your finger in. It didn't take long once your finger tickled his taint and entered his puckered poop chute (FYI no actual poop present, clean as a whistle. No icky stuff going on here) for Deadpool Santa to start emptying his sack and unloading his Christmas presents deep inside your throat hole. His cum started to explode from your mouth like when you overfill a mince pie with whipped cream. "HO, HO, HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he vociferated as he cummed. You swallowed it all up (because you were raised right) and got to your feet as Deadpool put his cock back in his pants. "Well that was fun," he said. "Hell yeah it was," you replied with a giggle. You gave each other a high five and he made his way back to the broken window. Laying a finger aside of his nose, and giving a nod out the window he rose. You watched as he disappeared into the night and heard him bellow in to the sky, "Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night". The End. Have yourself a merry little Christmas. ... "Psst, writer! It's Deadpool. Just so you know, I found your jumping between present and past tenses wildly inconsistent and frankly lazy writing. If I wasn't getting my willy wet in this one I would have left this story a long time ago. I can't be associated with this kind of shabby story telling. I probably would have hung around to watch Y/N getting off on the pillow though. That shit was hot!"

[prongsmydeer]

Ayesha Liveblogs One Tree Hill S1

No matter how many times I watch the pilot I consistently forget that Nathan and Peyton used to date

“Don’t bother showering tonight” is that really your come-on Peyton I will never understand sports

Lmao @ Nathan and Peyton “OTP: Distracted Driving”

“You’re despicable, you know that,” said Dan, a literal future murderer

I’m always so thrown when ppl in shows start drinking at their workplaces like what kind of bold behaviour Whitey you work at a high school

“What are you wasting your time at now?” Nathan ur a terrible boyfriend

“I say that the people who pray here are wasting their time. God doesn’t watch sports” I know Lucas is pretentious as all hell but this is my favourite line in any sports show ever

Karen is such a good mom ahhhhh like she just wants Lucas to be happy and she knows he’ll put other people’s happiness first 

Dan calling Lucas ‘this kid’ like he’s not his wholeass son what a dick

It’s not lost on me that Keith telling Lucas stories about his father means that it’s Lucas’s grandfather Keith Scott is truly the only dad in this show who matters

“So why’d you just tell me all that” because he loves to monologue

“If I could [change the fact that Lucas exists], I would” Dan answer your door I need to send you a very rude telegram

I am in love with Moira Kelly and also I want Karen to punch Dan

The music of this show is really.... transcendent 

Djhfkjhfkjh since Lucas is implied to have like, five friends.... is that crowd of supporters hugging him just a bunch of people who think Nathan is a dick

I admire Lucas for deciding he was gonna put up with all this bullshit to do something he loves

Omg I forgot that Brooke wasn’t in the pilot she’s such a major character

“Nice hands” “Nice legs” Emo flirting in a jock setting lmaooooo

My inner 2007 angst awakens every time I hear Gavin Degraw. He is THAT bitch

“You ever think I might want to talk” Peyton and Nathan’s relationship is truly nothing but blind horniness they have nothing in common at all in this juncture of their lives

“I didn’t invite you to come in, I just asked if you wanted to” Peyton is so weird but I kind of want to marry her. Is this what Lucas feels like

Lucas’s economic status is really part of Brooke’s romance criteria at the age of 17 they teach the bourgeois early huh

Oh my god I cannot BELIEVE Jake recommended Atlas Shrugged to Lucas jhjhgjhgjh the undertones of this basketball show really are about capitalism

HAHAHAH Nathan’s word being “revenge” calm down Sasuke Uchiha

I haven’t said so yet but Haley is so very endearing she’s great

God. Lucas turning around to reveal to Dan that he’s cast away his name. HE is that bitch

Ghjkghjkgh Keith hissing at the rude Boosters mum. Love of my life

“Maybe he’s gay” “No, I think he’s just nice” who writes this dumbass show

“Do you even care that it’s slipping away” maybe it’s because I went away for university but the idea that someone is this deeply invested in their kid’s high school basketball career is. A lot

Nathan simultaneously trying to bother Lucas and pass English while about to fall in love: I can multitask!!!

Update: He also managed to trash Lucas’s favourite basketball court somehow in all his business. He really can multitask!

“If it makes you feel any better I called some woman a bitch the other day” [giggle] I love Karen and Lucas’s relationship

Haley is such a good friend to Lucas and hoo boy Nathan when do you grow a conscience

“You’re both so broody. You could brood together” that’s it, that’s Peyton and Lucas

These emails and VCR references are really dating this show

Nathan is a straight up sociopath in these early eps my god he humiliates Lucas publicly twice at this party and just pops over to Haley like “Hey cutie :) Idk why Lucas is so mad :) I’m rlly nice :)”

Nathan really taking his girlfriend’s car to hit on another woman how much of a crapbag

As soon as I said this he (drunk?) drove her car into a streetlight my god 

Deb and Karen having a nice lesbian coffee shop AU would be a pleasant turn in this show instead of literally anything that happens in either of their narratives

“Why would you even go there” “Because I loved getting dumped on” That is... accurate

“I’ll call you when you’re not so PMS” said Nathan, when his (ex) girlfriend rightfully lambasted him for crashing her car

I take it back Peyton and Nathan do have one thing in common it’s their disregard for traffic laws

HELL YEAH Keith IS your dad Lucas <3 <3 <3 <3 

Whitey talks a lot of shit for someone who advised Dan to abandon Luke 

I had been wondering why Lucas had the Scott name when Dan is such an ephemeral piece of shit and I guess there’s my answer thanks Karen 

Does Haley ever find out about the shit Nathan pulled at the party I feel like these are relevant details in her budding affection

“Dad send you to spy on me? Poison my drink?” This is the second time in two episodes Deb has been accused of being Dan’s spy I wonder if she still considers that a red flag 17 years into marriage

“One of the boys doesn’t have a father” BUUUUURN Dan

Rhkgjhgjkh the last moment of this scene:

Keith: There is enough room in my heart for each of my brother’s mistreated sons even the rude ones Nathan

Nathan, experiencing a split second of paternal love: :O

Ghkjghkjgh the Scott bonding in hatred of Dan continues with Lucas asking Nathan if he too would like to spite Dan:

Lucas: You will be receiving your “I Hate Dan Scott” Club invitation in the mail shortly Nathan, mom, Uncle Keith and I hold meetings biweekly

Nathan: Biweekly as in every two weeks or twice a week 

Lucas: Both! See you on Tuesday

“Does this mean we’re dating” yes it does the mixed CD is emo code

“Good luck with your game” “yeah, you too, Ma” hehehehe

Someone revoke this college medic’s license hoo boy

Ghjghkgh Lucas keeping his money tucked into his boxers what a doofus

I can’t believe Nathan and Lucas’s second big bonding moment is threatening dudes while in their boxers after beating on each other what a brotherly bond lmao

Okay but highkey if ur a lady and ur friends are gonna leave you alone and vulnerable at night get new friends

“I can live without my shirt” Nathan is thirteen shades of petty lmaooo

Dan is such a bad (abusive) father that Nathan literally would prefer to have none at all my god 

“Can I tell you a secret? I pretended too” just get marrrried 

“Thanks for cutting Lucas some slack” talk about accepting the bare minimum Haley kjhgkjhgkj

Brooke is really unbearable in this episode is it any wonder her, Lucas and Peyton’s relationship is as dysfunctional as it will soon become 

Hoo boy the one (1) time Nathan doesn’t do something douchey and he gets blamed for it 

LMAO @ Lucas approaching the one girl at this school with commitment issues with a bold “I wanna be here [in your heart]” hahaha

“Yeah, they can have their world,” said Lucas to Haley, about the two people they would literally go on to marry

The fact that Peyton doesn’t turn off her webcam and just covers it also really speaks to the era

This Gabe dude is really ready to assault a minor like he’s not just a r*pist he’s also a predator double KO 

It is not lost upon me that it looks like one pill has been popped out before so he is also a serial r*pist big fucking yikes

“What, you got a cellphone too, dawg? Things sure have changed” also quite dated hahahaha

They really went out of the way to redeem Brooke not only did she give Nathan and Haley a very very cute date she also saved her friend from being assaulted

“So you don’t have any brothers, do you” jhgkhgkhg Brooke please 

“Why are you only nice to me when we’re alone” a very legitimate question Haley

Nathan’s dating methodology: There’s nothing in life that can’t be solved with make-outs

Deb is really so nice but every time I look at her I think of her drinking a lot and sleeping with Nathan’s friends lmao

Haha that North Carolina sign explains the mild Southern accents 

Aieeeeeeeeeee you kiss that man and follow your dreams Karen

Even if Nathan is still A Lot this season him and Haley are so cute:

Haley, smiling: We can’t do this here right now

Nathan, giggling: We just did

Lucas says more to Dan by constantly leaving with a look of disgust than any words ever could

“My heart’s racing too. That’s what happens when I’m around you. (And on drugs. I’m very unstable Haley.)”

Lucas and Nathan’s very intentional “pressure from your dad” and “you don’t know anything about my dad” bc Lucas will not acknowledge that Senor Crabag Sr. is anything resembling a father bless 

Drunk tattoos with crush’s bff Lucas has decided to make all mistakes at once and I respect it

Poor Keith he is trying his best but Lucas just chose this week to hit his rebellious phase

YESSSSSSSSSS DEB KICK THAT ASS OUT OF THIS HOUSE

“Do you really think that Nathan would choose you over me” uh???? Are you not aware you are... the worst father in town

Brooke you were fully aware of Peyton and Lucas’s vibing and actively pursued him/interfered so you have no moral high ground to be like “:) I’d never choose a boy over my friendship”

Skillz and Mouth accurate “hoo boy don’t look” when ur friends start PDA

“Mom doesn’t want things to get back to normal, she wants them to be better” hell yeah Nathan gaining emotional intelligence

Lucas quit projecting your childhood issues onto Jake he too is a child let him decide how he wants to live Jenny’s 6 months old not like she’s gonna remember lmao

Damn Nathan LET LOOSE on Dan fuck that dude

JGFHJGFJGFJH I forgot Gavin Degraw had a cameo hahahahah

Did Luke.......... break into Jake’s house. His parents work at night how was he able to get into Jake’s coffee table

“You do not have to feel like a third wheel” The pure dumbass energy.... Peyton is literally CRYING do u really think her issue is “third wheel” you KNOW she and Lucas had a thing Brooke???????

Me watching this team form a brotherly bond over their mutual love of basketball: Mayhaps sports are... good 

Hahahaha Lucas threatening Peyton’s dad with a rake is weirdly endearing

“Hey you.” “Hey you, and you,” is a good summary of this seasons Brooke/Lucas/Peyton dynamic lmao

Why is Dan’s head... shaped that away. It is like a bar of soap

“I don’t mind you playing ‘Daddy’ to one of my offspring, but leave the good one alone, will you?” Dan. Meet me in the Denny’s parking lot at midnight and we’ll have words

“The whole Nice Guy thing is wearing kind of thin” foreshadowing for all the dick moves Lucas is about to pull lmao

“He’s got you skipping school now?” “Lucas talk to me when you get your tattoo removed”

Lucas:

Lucas is such a meddler lmao how many family dynamics is he going to alter

I don’t trust Dan being nice for a minute all he wants is the upper hand with Deb in the inevitable custody battle over Nathan

Props to Nathan and Haley for somehow, some way, being the only normal couple on this show despite their incredibly dubious origins lmao

Scott family dinners are bananas I count four (4) major revelations and they haven’t even revealed that Deb and Dan are separated

Lucas and Peyton are really hitting every fictional couple trope in this ep - road trip, bed sharing, hurt/comfort, truly the YA bases 

“The truth? In this house?” Props to Deb for drama lmao 

Brooke saying ‘I love you’ you’ve been dating for like two episodes but okay kjhgkjhg

I can’t say I understand Nathan’s logic lmao but I guess they have to bring him back to basketball sometime

Wow Lucas zero hesitation on that second kiss lmao u r a mess

This scene is the definition of “that escalated quickly” they go straight to undressing 

HAHAHAH NATHAN BEING SHIRTLESS IN HALEY’S DREAM FOR NO REASON 10/10 TEENAGE ACCURACY

“How do you explain being with me and not her?” “Because with you, I saw a future” that’s Dan code for ‘I’m a gold digger’

You’re literally macking on Peyton in the middle of the hallway while you’re dating the other most popular girl in school Lucas how are you this ridiculous and bold BREAK UP WITH BROOKE U DUMBASS

“So what are we going to do” I’ll tell you what you should do BREAK UP WITH BROOKE

Keith it is still daylight out stop bringing alcohol into this high school you have a drinking problem

“Can’t control love, you know?” THAT’S NOT ADVICE LUCAS BREAK UP WITH BROOKE

I really can’t handle watching Keith and Lucas self-destruct this episode how is Nathan the only Scott in a happy, healthy relationship

“You know that this is... wrong, so that makes it feel... deeper?” Lucas asks, as if he were not entirely in the wrong by carrying on with Peyton (who is not in a relationship) while dating Brooke

“I don’t want to hurt Brooke,” he said, about to start his third secret cheating makeout session of the week

“But then again our spouses aren’t here are they” [Deb opens door] COMEDIC TIMING

Gjjhgkjhg Nathan revealing his messed up intentions with Haley entirely by accident Scotts have no self-control whatsoever it’s their kekkei genkai

Lucas evading responsibility for his romance crimes by literally dying

Hahahah Karen’s confused vibes at Brooke are kind of the highlight of this episode 

How funny would it be if Lucas woke up to Karen scolding him about his tattoo

Hahahaha for such dysfunctional partners Nathan and Peyton are excellent exes 

AHHHHHHHHH LUCAS WAKING UP TO HIS BROTHER... MY HEART

Keith rlly was gonna propose after zero (0) days of dating I’m telling you no self-control is truly the Scott clan kekkei genkai

Ahhhh bless Karen’s compassion 

Dan is literally blackmailing his son into staying in his custody he is in Deb’s words an “abusive son of a bitch”

Fucking finally Lucas ends this sham of a relationship with Brooke

It’s wild that Nathan is the only Scott with a happy and healthy romantic relationship 

Nathan divorcing his parents is a real power move 

I’m glad Haley announced Sheryl Crow’s name because let me tell you I would not have recognized her on sight

“How’s my daughter” Lucas really chooses exclusively to hook up with people who have devastating emotional consequences for his immediate friend group huh

“Funny I didn’t know you were forgiving at all” Lmao Peyton is that really the position you’re going to take after cheating with your best friend’s boyfriend 

All the deodorant product placement lmao ‘this ep sponsored by Secret’ 

All things considered I think Lucas is handling Haley’s constant ditching p well 

Bfhkghghjg Keith buying a new shirt just to go to dinner with Karen stop

OH MY GOD THE EP REALLY WAS SPONSORED BY SECRET IT’S GOT SECRET ON THE CHEER COMPETITION BANNERS AND A LITTLE GIFT BAG RANDOMLY IN ALL THE CHEERLEADER CONFRONTATIONS JKGHKJGH

The comedic timing of “hungover idiots” panning to Karen and Larry kills me

“She used to be this totally original.... Haley” what does this mean????

I don’t think Nathan and Haley are being entirely fair to Lucas bc he was only a dick once she ditched him twice (or thrice?) in one weekend 

This boy toy auction as a concept is so inappropriate on so many levels

“I get Nathan for free” Fhjkfhkfjh Haley pls

God I was so very concerned about whether or not Nathan and Peyton were gonna kiss 

“You’re not a mess, you’re just in love” [Ole Del Paso Girl voice] Why not both?

“She’s nine months old, just in case you forgot” to be fair I assume Nikki gave birth so she would remember that you can’t hold that one over her 

It must take Lucas some mental disconnect to assume Peyton and Nathan are cheating when he also kissed Haley

Fhjfhkjfhjfh Keith fulfilling my fave trope of ‘we are not even dating but how about we get married bc we’ve been repressed in love for years’

“You know I asked your mom to get an abortion,” said Dan, to his literal son

I really can’t figure where this pregnancy storyline is going bc I know Brooke doesn’t have a baby

Nathan and Haley really need to consider oral or smth there’s a middle ground between making out and having vaginal sex

“It all hurts just the same” Brooke really out here trying to say that cheating is in any way equivalent to faking a pregnancy (even if only for a week)

Peyton and Brooke are way more invested in each other than Lucas 

“I got you a high five” Hahahhaa I love Peyton 

Gary like: Wow Nathan it’s humanizing that your father is an abusive dick

“Maybe this is the one that changed him” Lucas joining Dan as the second and only non-Dan member of the Dan Scott Apologism Club

It’s wholly unreasonable that Haley expects her boyfriend not to look at p*rn lmao

I love all this Lucas and Nathan bonding but I hate that it comes at the cost of Dan being near them at all u stay away from those boys u manipulative fuck

Ah the foreshadowing about Peyton changing in front of her webcam finally pays off

I’m no legal expert but I don’t think that taking your daughter out of state will help you in the custody battle in the long term Jake - nor will dropping out of high school

“What do I get out of it” r u 4 real Keith u dont get payment for loving your family

“I’m leaving because I can’t look at you anymore without my heart breaking” I like you Keith but that sounds like a You Problem

This is a fun way to shoot this episode One Tree Hill has such good directing tbh

Nathan discarding the Scott name from his jersey just like Lucas did in ep 2: 

Haley: Having sex will solve all of my problems Nathan what are you talking about

I remembered that at some point Deb and Keith have sex and I’m glad they fuck things up early bc I could not deal if it was later on

“I’ll miss you too, little brother” 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

KJKGHKJHGJHKJHGKJHKJ I CAN’T BELIEVE NATHAN AND HALEY GOT MARRIED JUST TO HAVE SEX THIS IS WHY THEY DON’T LET PEOPLE YOUNGER THAN 18 VOTE

[dalekofchaos]

Ways they could’ve handled Rose Tico in The Last Jedi  and what they did instead

My other Sequel Trilogy Wasted Potential posts

Rey

Finn

Poe

Luke

Han

Leia

Kylo Ren

Captain Phasma

Hux

Snoke

List of ways they could’ve handled Rose in the sequel trilogy

Make Rose the Hacker. It’s not unrealistic for the Resistance to have one. She could still think her skills aren’t useful considering most Wars have been won by soldiers and Jedi, not hackers. Paige is a Resistance fighter and her sister is a hacker. The Tico sisters fight the war in their own way. Finn and Poe go to Canto Bight to get Rose. Rose is on the planet to make the war profiteers hurt, and Finn and Poe must convince her. Her character arc could be learning that the war is much bigger than just her and that her sister, and the galaxy need her.

Finn and Rose’s mission is to find the master codebreaker. The Master Codebreaker they are meant to find is none other than Lando Calrissian. Lando is the person Finn and Rose are meant to get help from. They leave with DJ, but Lando was expecting to meet two members from the Resistance, so he leaves Canto Bight and on his way out he gets Leia’s message and mobilizes old friends from the Rebellion(a cameo from Wedge Antilles) and goes to give the Resistance some reinforcements. So instead of a hopelessly outgunned Resistance at Death’s door, when all hope seems lost, Lando brings the cavalry and shows The Rebellion is alive and hope still lives. We then see a little reunion with Lando, Leia and Chewbacca and Lando revealing that he was who Finn and Rose were meant to meet. 

Rose is a highly valued Resistance Mechanic fighting for The Resistance her own way as Paige was a bomber

Actually letting Paige live and actually giving us the sisterly bond between Rose and Paige and you know, GIVING  Ngô Thanh Vân SPEAKING LINES

Letting Rose empathize with Finn’s trauma and acknowledge that they are both cut from the same cloth. Rose and Paige lost their family and home and Finn lost his family and home, they have something in common and a reason to fight for The Resistance

Have Finn tell Rose about Rey and Rose being in awe of the Jedi and hopes to someday meet her and understands why Finn loves her

Letting Finn and Rose’s plan to disable the tracker succeed and only be captured upon reaching the escape pods.

Finn and Rose convince Poe that the speeder run will end in disaster and the three of them mount a desperate defense in the bunker, until Luke arrives. After Luke leaves to confront The First Order, they all leave and escape thanks to the Crystal Foxes.

We get to see Rose meeting Rey and the start of a beautiful relationship friendship

What they chose to do with Rose instead

Poorly written. I wanted to like Rose…Bad writing and direction prevents that. The Supremacy is tracking them through hyperspace, but Rose sees this as desertion….Desertion? You taze people for desertion? How exactly am I supposed to root for either side again? This is probably the same only less lethal treatment one could expect from The First Order. And what if The Raddus took critical damage? Are you trying to tell me Rose would taze anyone going to the escape pods? I thought she was supposed to be a mechanic, not someone who prevents escape. Finn is then tazed by Rose, which is understandable, she thought he was running away and she was in mourning. He also was objectively posing absolutely no threat to her, wasn’t running away, and was even trying to explain himself. Additionally, just the threat of the taser seemed to have been enough to stop him from leaving. But Rose attacked him anyways. The difference between Rey and Rose attacking Finn is Rey subdued Finn just enough to stop and interrogate him, Rose went completely overboard by paralyzing him and knocking him unconscious. It was completely unnecessary and gratuitous and is supposed to be played for laughs. Rey and Finn have a real friendship and partnership from the last movie. Rose, on the other hand, spends the rest of the movie belittling Finn and talking down to him. The book also says that she thought about using violence against him more than once after the tasing (for annoying her) and even pushed him. This displays a really problematic pattern of violence and disrespect towards Finn so yeah,  multiple uses of violence and expressed desire to inflict violence on him as being abusive. I would argue that she is undeniably verbally abusive with Finn. In the movie and in the book (more so in the book) she often belittles him by calling him names and using other put downs. It seems she wants to make him feel bad about himself and bring him down, which is abusive. Of course, it doesn’t really matter what her intent is, even if she doesn’t “mean to be mean” it still counts as verbal abuse. So, in summary, her repeated threats and use of violence against Finn and her continual use of insults and put downs causes me to come to the conclusion that she is abusive to Finn. And I am supposed to root for them to be in a relationship?

Cared more about space horses than saving slave children. Who cares that these children are gonna be left at the mercy of their violent slave owners and face merciless abuse, because after all, it was all worth it to free the animals!!! Look at us, we’re so progressive!!!….Please kill me

The plan to disable the Hyperspace tracking is made to pointlessly fail. Finn, Rose and DJ are close to fulfilling their objective and fail for no reason whatsoever. Okay first of all, Finn and Rose are captured because neither Finn or Rose bothered to get to a parking spot. So instead of going to find the ACTUAL Master Codebreaker(which told a better story) we are instead shown to DJ. This is a character who is made to be untrustworthy from the beginning and even sounds like a snake. So obviously he betrays them. And instead of letting them disable their tracker and just being caught when heading towards the escape pods, their plan is made to fail, making everything they’ve been trying to do ultimately pointless. It effect the plot even in the slightest. You could remove it and nothing would change in the slightest. Nothing mattered. Apparently the people of color needed their white hero savior to show them up…..*sighs*

Rose stopping Finn. “that’s how we win, not by fighting what we hate, by saving what we love.” That makes no sense and ignores the entire narrative of Star Wars and heroism of the saga. Paige, her sister sacrificed herself to save The Resistance. Holdo sacrificed herself to save The Resistance. The Rogue One crew sacrificed themselves. Kanan Jarrus sacrificed himself to save what he loved. Finn’s entire arc in the movie was learning not to just think about running away with Rey and fight for a greater cause and when the time comes for Finn to prove that he’s grown as a character, he can’t? What was the point of Finn’s arc in the movie? And let’s talk about Poe. Shouldn’t Poe be sacrificing himself? Poe has spent the entire film watching others die and give their lives and he’s never backed down, so shouldn’t Poe be in Finn’s place? And if Rose stopped Finn who would save The Resistance? We saw after Rose stopped Finn, the bunker was blown up by the battering ram. Absolutely NO ONE knew that Luke was going to make his surprise entrance and save everyone. For all we knew, The First Order would’ve moved into the bunker and killed everyone and The Resistance.

in TLJ novel she is made bitter and jealous of Rey when Rey is trying to save them….great, we are actually putting the only two main female characters of the sequel trilogy against each other because Jason Fry and Rian Johnson are misogynists and complete and utter fucking morons

Rose Tico could’ve been a great character, but because she was in the hands of Rian Johnson, she had no chance of succeeding. I can only hope she is handled better and by someone competent. Rose Tico and Kelly Marie Tran deserved better

[splendidlyimperfect]

Gray hasn’t seen Natsu in years - not since he moved away with his boyfriend Joel and Natsu stopped texting him. A chance run-in at a bar brings Natsu back into Gray’s life, but the encounter puts Gray in danger when Joel finds out. Natsu quickly realizes that Gray’s stuck in a cycle of violence, and wants to help him escape. But leaving isn’t that easy, and sometimes loving someone might not be enough.

Chapter Summary: Gray's trying to be okay, but he still feels like he's falling apart.

Chapters (21/24):  1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12| 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17| 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 Rating: Mature Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Relationships: Natsu Dragneel/Gray Fullbuster, Gray Fullbuster/Original Male Character(s) Tags: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Abuse, Abusive Relationships, Rape/Non-con Elements, Rape Aftermath, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Natsu just wants to help, but Gray feels like he can’t leave, Non-Linear Narrative, Trans Character, Tumblr: FTLGBTales, ftlgbtpride2019, Coming Out, First Love, Angst with a Happy Ending, I promise

** TW for mentions of drinking/alcoholism and self-harm 

-----  

they mean everything to me

sup·port | \ sə-ˈpȯrt transitive verb : to keep from yielding or losing courage

.

xx november .

Sting is right, and Joel doesn’t get out on bail. Instead, words like ‘arraignment’ and ‘preliminary hearing’ and ‘testimony’ get tossed around while Gray curls up in the bedroom and refuses to talk to anyone.

Natsu sits with him, sometimes, running his fingers through Gray’s hair and telling him that he’s brave, he’s safe, he’s going to be okay. Gray wants to believe him, but he feels like a scared, stupid little boy, and he’s so, so tired.

Three days after the hospital, Kelly comes back to take more pictures for evidence. Gray can’t even look at her, just stares dully at a crack in the baseboard as the camera shutter clicks again and again and again.

After she leaves, he can’t stop crying. When he tries to lock himself in the bathroom, he realizes that he can’t, because someone took the lock out of the handle. He knows why and he wants to scream in frustration, but instead just stares at his reflection in the mirror – red and black and blue and broken.

When Natsu finds Gray curled up in the shower, fully dressed with the water running as hot as possible, he doesn’t yell or cry or lecture. He just turns off the water and slips into the tub next to Gray, ignoring the dampness spreading through his jeans. He wraps his arms around Gray and holds him close, running his fingers over the bright red skin of Gray’s arms.  

“It hurts,” Gray whispers, tears hot on his cheeks. “I... I wish he’d...”

He can’t say it, but he knows that Natsu knows what he means. Neither of them says anything, and Natsu just sits there, steady and calm, while Gray cries and cries.

Continue reading on AO3

That night, Gray can’t sleep. Natsu is unbearably hot next to him, the sheets scratch his skin, and every time he closes his eyes, he feels Joel. Joel’s lips on Gray’s, Joel’s fingers around Gray’s throat, Joel’s hand scrabbling at Gray’s pants.

Gray can’t remove the thoughts, so he tries to replace them. He tries to think of Natsu, kissing him at the lake. Natsu, touching Gray in the back seat of his dad’s car. Natsu, pressing against him in the alley behind the bar.

Suddenly Gray really, really wants a drink.

He carefully slips out from under Natsu’s arm, patting Bella’s head reassuringly before closing the bedroom door behind him. Nobody else is up, and Gray wanders into the kitchen. A thin ray of moonlight spills through the curtains and across the countertop, and Gray traces it with his fingers before looking up at the cupboards.

“We don’t have any alcohol.”

Gray jumps at Sting’s voice, spinning around and grunting in pain when he hits his hip on the edge of the counter. Sting is next to him immediately, but when he reaches out for Gray’s arm, Gray pulls away, shaking his head.

It’s hard to see in the dark, and Gray is suddenly terrified that Sting is angry. His heart leaps into his throat and he takes a step back, wrapping his arms around his stomach. Sting must read his mind because he slowly reaches behind him and flips on the light.

When Gray looks up, he realizes that Sting’s still in uniform, and he’s yawning and rubbing his eyes. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you,” Sting says. “I just got home. You hungry?”

Gray shrugs. He hasn’t been eating much – both because it hurts like hell to swallow and because he just doesn’t really care. Sting gestures to the fridge before moving carefully past Gray.

A few minutes later, they’re both sitting on the couch with bowls of ice cream – Sting now dressed in sweatpants and a faded Star Trek t-shirt. Gray’s trying to eat slowly, but as soon as he takes a bite, he realizes how hungry he really is. Sting doesn’t say anything when Gray finishes his own ice cream, then accepts Sting’s offer of the rest of his, too.

A comfortable silence settles between the two of them after a while, broken only by Frosch and Lector hopping up onto the couch, drawn by the promise of food. Gray lets Frsoch lick some of the melted ice cream from his fingertips, while Lector shoves his face in Sting’s bowl much less delicately.

“Don‘t tell Rogue,” Sting says, grinning as he scratches Lector behind the ears. Gray laughs, setting his bowl down on the coffee table and then curling up in the corner with Frosch settled into a purring ball in his lap.

“Catch.” Sting reaches into his pocket and tosses something over to Gray. Gray’s too slow to grab it, and when it bounces onto the couch, Frosch immediately bats at it. Gray nudges her away, then picks up the item and examines it.

It’s a small, bronze coin with a triangle in the center, and the letter ‘V’ surrounded by the words unity, service and recovery. Around the border it says, ‘to thine own self be true.’

“It’s a sobriety chip,” Sting explains. Gray’s eyes widen as he realizes that it’s not the letter ‘V,’ it’s the roman numeral for ‘5.’

“You...” Gray runs his thumb over the coin, then looks back up at Sting, who gives him a small half-smile.

“I know it fucking hurts like hell,” Sting says gently, “but I promise that drinking will just make it hurt worse.”

“I don’t think it can hurt worse,” Gray whispers, running his thumb over the chip.

“You’d be surprised,” Sting says. “Ask Natsu about the first time he met me.” Gray raises an eyebrow. “I threw up on his shoes,” Sting adds, and Gray’s pretty sure his cheeks turn a bit pink.

“Really?” Gray has a hard time picturing Sting drunk.

“Mm.” Sting tips his head back, staring up at the ceiling. “I was a wreck.” He’s quiet for bit, then adds, “none of it helped – drinking, drugs, hurting myself.” He holds out his arms and Gray can see thin, white scars running across his freckled skin. “I thought that maybe I could hurt myself worse than he hurt me, and then I’d be in control, but… that’s not how it works.”

Gray thinks about the broken glass, the torn flower petals, the tiny red beads of blood across the bruises.

“I feel stupid,” Gray says, rolling the coin between his fingers. “I… you all tried to help me. Before. And I just—I didn’t listen, and I should have, and now it’s just… and there’s this stupid part of me that doesn’t want him to get in trouble, that’s still scared that he’ll get angry at me.”

Sting reaches out and nudges Gray’s foot with his own. “You can be scared and still go on,” he says. “I haven’t seen my dad in ten years and I’m still terrified of him.”

Gray frowns. “That’s… not very reassuring.”

“No, I didn’t…” Sting shakes his head, still looking up at the ceiling. “I just meant you’re not stupid. It doesn’t matter how long it took, you left, and even if you hadn’t, you still wouldn’t be stupid. I know it’s not that easy.”

“If…” Gray focuses on running his finger over Frosch’s nose. “If I hadn’t left, he…” He sighs, shaking his head. “What if I’m never okay?”

Sting’s foot touches Gray’s again, but Gray can’t look up at him. Instead he focuses on the ridges of the coin under his fingers.

“’Okay’ isn’t really a thing,” Sting says after a while. “I still…” He pauses. “Does it help, if I tell you this stuff? Or does it make it worse?”

“It helps,” Gray says, so quiet that he’s not sure Sting can hear him.

Lector has settled onto Sting’s chest and Sting scratches behind his ears. “I still have nightmares,” Sting says softly. “There’s still things that set me off – little, stupid things, and suddenly it’s like I’m this…” He swallows, and Gray’s stomach twists when he realizes that Sting’s got tears in his eyes. “I feel small. Helpless. Trying to figure out what I did wrong so I can make it right, even though nobody’s really angry.”

Gray’s torn between relief that Sting understands, and grief for the little boy that experienced so much hurt.

“That doesn’t go away,” Sting continues eventually, wiping at his cheeks. “But you get better at living with it. At recognizing when your brain is lying to you. At trusting people. And you can’t do that if you’re drunk or high or hurting yourself.”

Gray lets out a shaky breath, staring down at his hands. He feels a bit unreal, like this is all happening to someone else and he’s watching it from far away. Part of him wants to let go, but Sting is brave, and Rogue is kind, and Natsu is safe, so maybe Gray can stay.

“You should sleep.” Sting sits up, nudging Lector onto the floor and pushing himself to his feet. He reaches out to Gray, helping him up and then gesturing toward the bedroom where Gray can hear Natsu snoring softly.

“It’ll get better,” Sting says, squeezing Gray’s hand as he takes the chip back. “But right now… it’s okay to not be okay.”

-----

After a week, Gray’s able to recognize himself in the mirror. His eye isn’t so swollen, and the mottled purplish bruises have faded to a yellowed green. The marks around his neck are still there – a faded red handprint – but Natsu lends him a hoodie that zips all the way up to his chin, and Gray wears it everywhere.

“How’d you sleep?” Natsu asks. It’s Saturday morning and they’re curled up on the couch in the living room while Sting and Rogue clean up after breakfast. Gray’s leaning back against Natsu’s chest, eyes closed while Natsu combs his fingers through Gray’s hair.

“Okay,” Gray says, and he’s surprised to find that he’s not lying. The little white pills that the hospital gave him are helping. They make everything light and soft, and let him close his eyes without being ripped apart by memories. Rogue keeps them locked up in the medicine cabinet, and while it makes Gray feel like a child, he’s also glad that he doesn’t have to deal with the temptation.

Natsu kisses the top of Gray’s head and whispers, “good.”

The doorbell rings and Gray immediately flinches, but Natsu’s gentle hands and whispered, “it’s okay,” are reassuring. Gray keeps his eyes trained on the hole in the knee of his jeans as Bella hops down from the couch and trots after Rogue to see who it is.

“Joel’s still in jail,” Natsu says, running his hands up and down Gray’s arms as if trying to brush away the tension. “You’re safe.”

Gray nods, then freezes as he hears a familiar voice in the hallway. When he looks up, Erza is standing in the entrance to the living room.  

“Hey, you,” she says softly, giving Gray a small, sad smile.

Gray just stares. She’s cut her hair shorter, and she’s wearing more makeup than he remembers, but it’s her – the girl he used to have slumber parties with, who kicked her legs out the window when they drove around town, who put too much sugar in her coffee.

The girl who warned him that Joel wasn’t good for him, and Gray didn’t fucking listen.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers, looking down at Natsu’s hands on his arms.

Erza settles down on the couch near him, reaching out hesitantly and resting a hand on his knee. He can’t look at her – doesn’t want to see the pity or frustration in her eyes.

“Gray,” she says, voice gentle and kind. “I missed you.”

“I’m sorry,” he says again, but he can see her hair bob as she shakes her head.

“No, I’m sorry,” she says, shifting a bit closer and reaching out her hand. He stares at it hesitantly, then reaches out and takes it, a warm sense of comfort flooding through him when their fingers touch. “I wish I could have helped sooner, I…”

Natsu nudges Gray until he’s sitting up, and when Gray finally looks at Erza, the only thing in her eyes is relief.

“I missed you so much,” she says, reaching out and pulling him into a hug.

Gray stiffens for a second, then relaxes against her, pressing his forehead against her shoulder and letting out a shaky breath. He doesn’t have any more tears, just an exhausted sense of grief and regret.

“I…” His voice is rough, but he has to say it, has to explain, has to tell her that he wishes he’d listened, that she was right. “I th-thought you guys—he told me that you—”

“It’s okay,” Erza says, shifting on the couch until Gray is wrapped up between her and Natsu, and Gray thinks of that day at the beach all those years ago when they said, we know, we love you, we were waiting for you to be ready.

“I just…”

“I’m not mad,” Erza says, and Gray wants so badly to believe her. “I’m just so happy that you’re alive.” She leans back and cups his cheek in her hand, running her thumb gently over the healing bruises. “I want to kill that fucking asshole.”

There’s a tiny voice in Gray’s head that whispers, he didn’t mean it, he’s not a bad person, he just had too much to drink. He bites his tongue and tells it to shut up.

“I’m sorry I missed your wedding,” Gray says, trying to keep shame from creeping into his cheeks. Erza squeezes his hand, and he hesitantly adds, “Natsu, um… he told me about the thing with Loke’s… date.”

Erza snorts, shaking her head. “Yeah, he’s still a piece of work,” she says. The tightness in Gray’s chest eases a bit at her familiar smile. “Did he show you the pictures?”

They spend a while looking at photos on Erza’s phone, and Gray slowly relaxes between them. Being curled up in Natsu’s lap with Erza’s arm around him feels like home. Eventually Sting and Rogue join them with cookies and coffee, and for a while, Gray starts to feel normal. Like this is how his life was supposed to be.

He’s not okay now, but maybe one day he can be.

[stardustizuku]

Hey! I was wondering if you were willing to go more into your opinion on Tom as a boyfriend etc bc i really agreed with your romance analysis

It would be my absolute pleasure! I’m in love with analysing stuff and writing it down!

(ALSO this got…a bit….long….So i’ll just put it under the cut ;;; sorry) 

Okay, so Tom is one of my favourite characters. I’ve liked him since he first appeared in the opening and I didn’t even know his name. (Goes to show how long I’ve been in this fandom wow) 

And here’s the thing: Tom is a flawed character. Really really flawed. He’s egoistic, he think too much about himself, and is prone to anger easily. However, all of this things are good! In a character based story speaking of course. Yeah he’s bad but  his whole arc is about working not to be bad. It’s unlike any other character of Star, who are all good trying to do the good thing, or are bad guys trying to do the bad thing. 

Tom is a bad guy trying to the good thing. And that’s a pretty relatable issue. I myself know how hard it is not to explode in anger whenever someone says something mean. I have anger issues too. That’s why seeing Tom go through those emotions hit home. 

I like Tom as a character, and I would have loved to see how he developed over time!

……

However. 

The TomStar relationship on itself…It’s flawed. It’s flawed all over from a narrative perspective and character perspective.Which is both really good…And really bad… 

The tricky thing about character flawed relationship is that they can be good.  

I was, at first, really angry about the fact that TomStar was a thing. Why? I’m not a fan of the “breaking up and making up” couples. (kelly and Tad were actually my favourite deconstruction of the thing but HAHAH we all know how well that thing went) On itself, those types of relationships can lead to a really problematic outcome. Constantly splitting couples, fights that lead nowhere, and I’m not a fan of ‘second chances’.

This said, i grew to really like their relationship. Why? Precisely because it was flawed. They had their up and downs, Tom was still kind of a douche but trying, and Star still didn’t pay enough attention to her boyfriend. 

It was the kind of trouble that normal couples could have, presented in a kids show. And this was the kind of thing that I had wanted for a long time. To see two characters who really want to make this work, try and overcome their differences. 

It was a good relationship! 

Sigh. 

The problem comes from the Narrative Perspective. 

You see, when the Character Perspective is flawed it can work. Awkwardly and a bit forced, but it can work. Yes, maybe they had flaws but they can be solved with a good Narrative Perspective! 

Which, then again, SVTFOE completely fucks up. 

Narrative wise, what’s the point of Tom and Star breaking up in the first place? It doesn’t really come up again after they get together. At no point again does the argument “we broke up once” come into play. No “I want to make it work this time. I screwed up once, I don’t want to screw up twice”. 

Why? You know, seeing as this was a really key factor on Tom’s entire character in the first seasons, you’d think he’d recall it more often. 

You guessed it! The authors had no idea what they were doing with Tom’s character! 

It’s as if the character before season 3 were a completely different one from season 1. It would have made as much narrative sense to introduce a new character who Star just happened to hate. 

But that would mean a lot of work, so they just reused Tom (who Star already hated) to fill in the blank that they needed. (HEY kind of like what they did to Kelly! Funny!)

And this decision, if looked properly, bleeds into the rest of the series. 

Someone started this without knowing the clear purpose of every character. 

Jackie was introduced. They need to make Star jealous? Use her. We need to break Marco’s heart? Dispose of her! We need a new love interest for Marco? Oh shoot, we made Peekaboo unlikable and we don’t have Jackie…Let’s use Kelly! Never mind erasing the only core characteristic she had to her. 

Season 1 and 2 Tom is the same. He was presented to create a past lover for Star, someone who needs to let go. To stop chasing something that’s only hurting him. That’s the point of his arc. To have him grow up and stop hurting himself and other by looking for Star. His EX. 

 Enter season 3 and she needs a new lover? Why not use him? He’s clearly the one she needs *sarcasm*

I feel so bad for all the secondary characters in this series. They all had potential, but I guess they didn’t know what to do with that potential, because it’s all wasted. 

And *sighs* while we are at it, how about we take a look at Star? 

Look, I love the character development that Star went through. She went from a childish girl who liked pink and fun, to a girl who wanted to become the rightful ruler of Mewni. It’s an interesting change that still makes her likeable. 

However, I can’t shake the feeling that they’re…Robbing the character of some of it’s magic. The fun and relatable thing about Star when I started watching was how wacky and sweet she was. IDK I wish she had maintained more of her craziness. But maybe they could teach her to loosen up a bit in next seasons. 

Star and Marco seemed to have swapped places tbh. She’s now the worried girl who wants to do things right, and Marco is the fun loving guy who wants to have a good time. 

WHICH is entirely the opposite of what made the story charming at the beginning.

And by doing this…It puts her in an odd place in her relationship with Tom. She is now a serious girl, searching for a serious relationship. And she’s trying to do the right thing but…Honestly it also makes her kind of a bitch. Not in my eyes, of course, sweet princess deserves a break. But in the eyes of a bunch people it does. Especially with the way it’s painted. 

She’s going out with Tom but she constantly turns him down because she has more important things to do. 

This creates a really interesting conflict.

If the staff were good at it. 

It’s never talked about. They don’t seat and talk about this. Why? 

*SIGHS*

Because they want you to think that this relationship is dysfunctional because two people have different objectives. WHICH IS BULLCRAP. They want you to assume that Starco is the endgame because Marco shares natural interest with Star. And this is toxic as fuck. 

Not Starco, as I’ve mentioned before, I don’t blame ships for the nonsense that Season 3 has caused. Starco, on its early days, WAS fairly cute and I would have loved for it to be endgame.

The problem lays on the message the crew wants to send. Your true love is someone who shares  your interest, and while this CAN be true and makes things easier, it’s not always 100% true. 

You will disagree with your partner some times. You’ll have problems, you’ll feel misunderstood and worried. The best way to solve this is by talking. Not kissing your best friend who you used to love and shares your similar interests. 

Starco, at this point in time, is nowhere near healthy. Not for those consuming it and not for them in general. Endgame Starco at this point would be downright toxic. And pointless. (Assuming they follow this path and don’t fix shit)

TomStar is flawed. But they’re trying to fix this. They’re trying, in their own way, to find their pace. To understand each other. That’s a good message to send. One not many people try to send. However, narrative wise…I don’t think this will end well. 

So, if you tell me that “Fate” is more important in a relationship than “hard work” i will call BULLSHIT. 

And look, if you had asked for my opinion before the KISS ™ I would have said Starco still had a silver lining of hope. It could still be endgame if they played their cards with TomStar correctly. But…They didn’t. They fucked up. They threw away a story line without finishing it, to bring a boring one (love square) into the table. 

If you ask me, they wanted to have a piece of the Starco cake before they finished eating their TomStar veggies. Which resulted on an unpleasant dinner for everyone.  

My final point is: SVTFOE created this mess for being extremely lazy. For not thinking things through. For disposing and reusing character for a purpose that defies what they originally served for. 

If they want to fix this mess, they’re going to have to have to STOP being lazy pieces of shit and start writing a planning this love story correctly. It does not match the tone of such a complex and interesting story to have the LOVE SQUARE of a young adult novel 

TLDR: Tom is a shitty boyfriend but he tries. That makes him a good boyfriend in my standards. Shitty but good. Their relationship is flawed and that would be a good thing…If only the creator knew what they were doing. 

[aion-rsa]

Wynonna Earp Season 4 Episode 8 Review: Hell Raisin’ Good Time

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This Wynonna Earp review contains spoilers.

Wynonna Earp Season 4, Episode 8

Oh, to be a fly on the (probably Zoom) wall of the Wynona Earp writers’ room during the brainstorm session about which Halloween costumes each character should wear in this autumnal holiday-themed installment! Reader, they nailed it. Wynonna dresses as feminist hero Britney Spears (compliment of Waverly for both bringing the costume together and knowing that Wynonna would be into it), and Wonder Woman. Doc is bisexual icon Freddie Mercury. And Waverly… well, Waverly is a ladybug and then an angel. It’s all beyond perfect, and epitomizes just how much fun this slasher episode of Wynonna Earp truly is. (Barring the sob story Varun Saranga is strapped with selling, but we’ll get back to that later…) Two episodes, and Wynonna Earp Season 4B continues to be… just an incredibly good time? There is a time and place for Important Television, and Wynonna Earp sometimes ducks into that intersection, but I don’t think we talk enough as a culture about the importance of fun, especially in such dark and draining times. I didn’t know how much I needed more unabashedly fun TV until Wynonna Earp came back into our lives, welcoming us all back to the party. And, friends, more than a year into this pandemic, we are all overdue for a party.

This series has had Buffy the Vampire Slayer in its narrative DNA since the beginning, but never is it more apparent than in these delightful supernatural problem-of-the-week episodes. Last week, it was a love virus. This week, it’s a homicidal scarecrow with the head of a pumpkin, the hands of Freddy Krueger, and the focus of an Olympic athlete. Rotten Jack is his name and he’s been a rural myth in the town of Purgatory since the Earps were little kids, spending Halloween trying to avoid their abusive father. It says a lot about this town and the Earp family that an active supernatural killer on the loose is enough of a regular occurrence that literal angel Waverly attempts to eschew the responsibility of tracking him down because she has plans to hang out with her sister. But it’s hard to judge a grown woman so unabashedly wearing a ladybug costume, especially when she is so devoted to hr big sister. Maybe it’s low-hanging fruit for a reviewer and fan who is best friends with her own sister, but, for all of the other amazing relationships on this show, Wynonna Earp has always had the sibling bond between Wynonna and Waverly at its heart and it’s touching to see that, even when these two can’t remember their own names, they remember the love they have for one another.

Yes, that’s right. Waverly and Wynonna straight-up lose their memories. Wynonna may be able to remember whiskey, but she has no idea what Peacemaker is for. This is all thanks to Casey, who you may remember as Wynonna’s half-demon cellmate in “Look At Them Beans.” When Wynonna and Waverly go to Casey’s trailer, per Jeremy’s BBD instructions, in order to pick up “the extractor,” a necessary item for capturing Rotten Jack, Casey freaks out. He’s gone full conspiracy theorist off-the-grid-er since we last saw him (which, fair enough), and doesn’t want anything to do with BBD. He runs away from The Sisters Earp, leading them into the amnesia-inducing fog that apparently surrounds all of the Ghost River Triangle. What follows is basically a delightful excuse for Melanie Scrofano and Dominique Provost-Chalkley to get silly as Wynonna and Waverly traipse around town, in search of a Halloween party, with no idea that demons or vampires are even a thing or that they are supposed to be all that stands between Rotten Jack and the people of Purgatory.

Meanwhile, Amon has graduated from morally-ambiguous antagonist to straight-up villain. And I’m not just saying that because he tries to use the fact that he had sex with Wynonna to manipulate Doc into doing what he wants. (It doesn’t work.) In an effort to make some serious cash, Amon sets up a betting pool livestream around the identities of Rotten Jack’s victims, pivoting to auctioning off the chance to kill the Earp sisters when the opportunity presents itself. I wish this turn had a bit more nuance—I’ve never really been sure of who Amon is as a character or what Wynonna Earp was trying to do with him—but his commitment to villainy does provide structure for the rest of our characters to rail against. It gives Jeremy a chance to team up with Doc to save Wynonna and Waverly, and gives Doc a few instances to reiterate his commitment to the Earp sisters both through his actions and his words. He and Wynonna may not have worked things out, but that doesn’t mean she isn’t the love of his life.

Jeremy and Robin’s tragic backstory knocked this episode down a half-star for me. While I understand the necessity of recasting a role from time to time, I am 100% of the opinion that I would rather the series act as if they are the same human rather than come up with a face-tearing backstory that is both unnecessarily gruesome and too silly even for this show. We already suspend disbelief when it comes to the existence of vampires, demons, demon-hunters, angels, and Cupids on this show; what’s a little recasting amongst friends? Then again, I have always been willing to lean into a recast. Maybe it’s because I am a Doctor Who fan?

That being said, I am also very invested in the angst when it comes to Jeremy and Robin’s ongoing love story. They obviously still share a connection, even if Robin can’t remember their dating history and currently has a boyfriend who is not Jeremy. I am torn between the pull of the amnesia romance trope and the fact that Jeremy is basically slipping drugs into his ex/co-workers’ support group coffee. On the one hand, my fanfic-reading heart loves a good pining amnesiac exes-to-lovers story; on the other hand, it is deeply problematic that Jeremy isn’t giving Robin the option of taking the serum. Robin is an amnesiac; he’s not a child. (Not that you should drug your children’s coffee, either.)

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Additional thoughts.

Taking bets: do we think Amon is dead or will we see him again?

Everyone loves Doc, and it makes total logical sense.

Wynonna’s “walk of shame” look works better than it has any right to.

R.I.P., random Purgatory residents killed by Rotten Jack. I’m not sure what the town’s population looks like at this point, but the loss of three residents ain’t nothing.

“Can you just let me petty.”

“Are you late for school?” “Whore school?” The line delivery here.

“You’re supposed to be the nice one.”

“They say it’s hilarious, but you’ll never look at Dame Judi Dench again.”

“I already wear a mask everyday.” Still not clear on the logistics of Robin’s new face, but I honestly hope the show never tries to explain it.

Code Orange… for Halloween?

“I just want to go trick or treating.” It’s super interesting that, when Waverly and Wynonna lose their memories, it’s Wynonna who loves Halloween and Waverly who hates it. Presumably, this is how they really feel about the holiday.

Justin Kelly, aka the first Robin, is now on a show called Hudson & Rex, which seems to be a show about a cop and his police dog. (The new Robin is played by Jim Watson.)

“I think your boyfriend might be a cokehead.”

“p.s. Dance like no one’s watching.” Casey’s letter to “Wins and Waves.” <3

“I’m not a hero. A fuck up.” “You can be both.” I love how they just slipped the thesis statement for this show into the dialogue of this episode and hoped nobody would notice.

“Love is the absolute of fear.” “Love has always lightened the load.” If Doc ever needs a side hustle, he should consider motivational life coach. But, really, we need to talk about how sweet talk is one of Doc’s legit superpowers. Between his pep talk to Cleo last week and his pep talk to Casey this week, he’s on a roll.

“She’s my most important thing.” “Gross.”

“You were the best sister I ever had.” “How do I know?” “I know.”

Was this episode the best Wonder Woman movie of 2021? Yes or yep?

Doc helping Waverly off the stage?

“Oh my god, I had sex with Eiman.”

“You’re hilarious. We can’t even get the popcorn machine to work.”

This mind fog is spreading? This isn’t going to be good for the cat cafe…

S’mores!

“You are and have always been my hero.” “It’s easy when you know exactly what you’re fighting for.”

“Mind if I steal her for a minute?” “A minute? Woman, you better make her happy for the rest of her damned life.” Nicole didn’t get a lot of screen this episode, but boy does she make the most of it.

 Rotten Jack is played by Kelsey Andries, an actor and stunt performer. She does a very good and creepy job bringing this supernatural horror to life.

The post Wynonna Earp Season 4 Episode 8 Review: Hell Raisin’ Good Time appeared first on Den of Geek.

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[elizabethrobertajones]

13x03 watching notes

The Saga Of Dean’s Fluctuating Grief Scruff

Berens has made me cry exponentially more in each of his episodes for a while. At this rate I will cry 6-9 times in this episode, so I really hope we break the streak.

I'm so pumped for this episode.

-

Hahaha me 10 seconds ago: fuk u berens don't make me cry

recap: how about we paste "goodbye Cas" over the shot of Dean kneeling by dead Cas?

-

I have returned with my stuffed toy umbreon "taako from eevee" and I have hugs

-

OH NO Jack recap, pasting Lucifer over him in awful flashes and trying to sell his dark side even though he is a squishy.

WELP they're going right there with the Sam drinking blood parallel with Dean saying when has anything ever gone right for us. Is Jack going to Fuck Up today? Or is that just emotional backstory?

-

Awww Missouri's BFF. I love her already.

I guess this guy is the wraith. I think I remember him from the promos.

Hey, here's the tarot cards. They're for the MotW

-

The wraith was in the mirror that's behind them but it didn't show his face all wraith-y. Pfft.

-

Uhoh, Dean's music is different... Brb need to get a Mittens on the line.

The only word I caught was wall and then we cut to no music and Jack marvelling at the brickwork.

Okay, Mittens told me the song and I looked it up and yeah it's the Rolling Stones and completely romantically neutral.

This is the bit we got:

Mama says yes, Papa says no, Make up you mind 'cause I gotta go. Gonna raise hell at the Union Hall, Drive myself right over the wall.

I almost think it was chosen just because Jack was pawing at the wall.

-

Jack being fascinated with the bricks in both 13x01 when Sam was ASKING him about the portals between universes, and now when he's just pawing at the bricks reeeally makes me feel like Jack has a fascination with the brick and mortar pattern, like these lines between the solid planes are somehow tickling at whatever deep down cosmic part of himself knows about the portals. If he's still figuring it out or something.

-

Oh no here's the awful promo that nearly made me cry last night.

I am so sad that Jack's been hiding in his room.

It is adorable how he looks at the data stick, like, getting it's important but totally baffled about HOW and what to DO with it. Sam's starting to take for granted that Jack is a bit more... well, together, than he actually is. The real question is does Sam know he was stabbing himself?  That's such a hard thing for Dean to tell Sam, and not betray empathy to Jack - unless he grumpily delivers the news and legs it :P

But yeah, anyway. Sam expecting Jack to be able to do things he can't, maybe starting to take Jack's fast learning for granted when it comes to how he's managed to adapt to burgers and reading and stuff. He's still a 4-5 day old person, and he's never done this before... Sam hands him the USB stick without even stopping to think at first that Jack might not be capable of using it...

-

*stares at Sam staring at Jack* I think he's feeling deeply sympathetic - I reblogged some meta about how they have a shared experience here but Jack's getting so much more than Sam ever did. Ironically, I was gonna make a parallel to Home, without stopping to think that Missouri is here but let's call it a real meta parallel then - Mary saying even 3 words to Sam in Home was the most Sam had ever seen of her in his entire life and the most words he could remember her saying to him, ever. Of course Mary and Kelly were/are paralleled as mothers, and Kelly to Jack will be a much more pure image because she never did anything dark or made any deals - he's born because she had no idea she was sleeping with Lucifer, so even though Mary was put in an AWFUL place she made the deal with enough accountability she is held responsible for it, and FEELS responsible for it. Since Jack's powers are already being textually paralleled to Sam and his demon blood I think this is an interesting thing to put a pin in.

-

MIIIISSOURI HELLO

She sounds and looks almost exactly the same. It's been THIRTEEN YEARS what the hell

She looked older in 1x09

maybe it's just the different colour schemes and lighting these days :P

-

Oh no and we're back to Kelly

Her words are so important in a kind of free will exposition way. She's so proud of him!!!

"YOU HAVE AN ANGEL WATCHING OVER YOU"

I know I sobbed about that in 12x23 a bit but just... the reminder, right now. In this episode where we have been teased that Cas is going to be around again (I miss him so much)... I think it's interesting because Kelly tells Jack that no one can tell him who he can be (which I think may be a problem long term that Sam is interested in moulding him so even TFW aren't a completely safe bet to hang out with for Jack to gain a sense of personhood - he'll have to fly the nest eventually) but then she reminds Jack that an angel is watching over him. Obviously she is a Good Person in the show's narrative, and angels in her perspective are good (because Cas was kind to her) and Cas specifically is AWESOME and this is the reminder that Cas is Jack's father now apparently and all... but it's also setting him aside in a way. I think perhaps Jack needs to come to terms with what Cas is that isn't exactly his FATHER per se but also isn't just the angel on his shoulder, in the exact same way Dean needs to realise Cas isn't his BROTHER per se but also not just the angel on his shoulder. It's that grey area. In Jack's case, it's because a reckoning with Lucifer and understanding the potential darkness in him, or his legacy as being Lucifer's son, can't be ignored. Cas can't be pasted on top of it for his deep down personal understanding, and Kelly mentions the father and Castiel as separate entities. The father doesn't define what Jack is... Cas has a more neutral position, a guiding one... But I think some wires may be crossed with Jack, too, that has given Cas absolute fatherhood in such a way that it's going to be GREAT for Jack to set his moral compass by such a well-meaning good character who seems to want the best for Jack, but it can't be his entire understanding of himself.

...

Sorry for just throwing a Destiel parallel into all that but it fascinates me that tbh Sam is like the only one who doesn't have a complicated relationship with Cas. I guess also Mary got to grips with him around 12x09, but then also didn't have a whole bunch of contact with him... On the other hand in my Christmas fic I haven't even got the remotest idea what it will be about yet but will feature all the current living characters in a fluffy Christmas scenario, I'm pretty much ready for Cas and Mary to be the chillest friends :P

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LOL Sam and Dean talking about how long since they saw Missouri "what has it been a decade?" "MORE" Yeah you FUCKS she said to stay in touch. DON'T BE STRANGERS.

-

That is a cold sweat moment for Dean, like... fuck I haven't ever even sent her a CHRISTMAS CARD

Maybe he sees her name in John's journal sometimes and does send her one.

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Awww and Sam was talking to Jody off-screen, which I love because that is my JAM

*badum tish*

-

Dean is alarmed that Sam handed off the case to her, because he wanted to leave the freaking house and get awaaay from Jack

He's not that concerned about Jody.

I mean, rationally, he knows Jody is the Toughest Cookie they've ever met. She went up against Leviathan WITH AN APPENDECTOMY

But in the immediate here and now? He is PISSED that Sam wants to keep them sequestered away in the Bunker with the one thing he can hardly bear to co-exist with in the same universe.

His stomping off is an End Of moment... Reminded of 9x06 because Berens, but also because in the start of that episode Dean takes the lead from Cas and legs it from researching with Sam and Kevin, and it's like a horrible reverse motivation. Cas is dead and he can't bear to be around that horror and guilt and confusion. He needs the distraction, so off he goes on a solo case, leaving Sam behind. His angry "you got me" when he skips out on research and Kevin thinks he has it all sussed out why Dean is leaving is again a reverse of Dean's self-professed anger at the situation when he knows that Jody will be FINE and of course she's part of their competent hunter network who can handle things probably a hell of a lot better than them, being an actual cop and all. But it makes one hell of an excuse to go. And Dean was in a pissy mood then as well but it was his own fuck up about Gadreel bothering him and his guilt about what he'd done to Cas. So external motivators help him leave. This time it's all internal motivators where he WANTS to leave. So he makes it all happen by getting irrationally angry at Sam.

-

CORN FIELD AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

I know it was most likely just There but hey we have a Turducken slammer poster in the background and corn syrup blah blah, and corn = Cain

Theeeemes, as Mittens says.

-

JODY JODY JODY

-

Missouri drops some heeeavy hints about not having family around any more.

She always did love that car. A reminder she's known them basically their entire lives, since The Fire, and she knew the car as both John and Dean's.

Also a handy way to make her a trusted ally and as Mittens says, the car is Dean's soul and Missouri has seen inside him.

-

HE JUST WANTS HUGS

He heard Missouri and Jody were in the same place and was like FUCK YOU SAM I AM GOING TO COLLECT MY HUGS

But seriously even if he's kinda putting it all on a bit because he's miserable, these people are genuinely cheering him up just to see and he's getting physical comfort from two parental figures to him.

(he's so weird about Jody being a mom figure)

-

LOL Missouri did the thing

-

The thing literally every single person said they wanted her to do

he should have hugged Jody first

-

Is it just me or did she hesitate on "loss" and then add the "es" after a moment of uncertainty? Please tell me one is not drowning out the other I will die.

Although of course, Missouri is a HUGE reminder of the Mary stuff because she comes connected to their home and Dean is having to re-re-confront that and OF COURSE he does it when he's lost Mary AGAIN. And pfft I spent yesterday writing about Jody re-losing her son in 5x15 and having the problem of fresh loss after getting someone back you didn't think you'd ever HAVE back.

-

I love that we're seeing Missouri's process. She's reaaally spelling out the exposition. But in this case I can trust that that's just because the actual method and knowing that it's a wraith and his MO is just a random detail to all the more important emotional stuff. That this is just some necessary building blocks to get to the good stuff and this is the fastest way to get us there.

-

Sam immediately starts getting into choppy water and I'm one line into the next scene. He's bringing up training Jack... Sam, we've spent the last 2 weeks talking about how it's not a great idea for you to try and harness him for your own reasons because it will make you look bad to him. Jack needs to trust you!

I'm worried he'll end up thinking that Sam giving him the connection with his mom was just a way to soften him up a bit more to Sam. Like yeah on the surface level it's lovely and shows Sam has been careful and paid attention and collected all the evidence from the house to check if anything will be important for Jack (not the 100s of diapers)... And then found this thing and immediately decided Jack should have it because it would mean so much to him. it's great that he cares so much he did this!!

But yeah putting the scenes back to back is a little uncomfortable because Sam does have motives, and like I said last time out, if Sam HADN'T just lost Mary through a rift Nougat unknowingly opened, he would 100% definitely treat Jack with the exact same care because he is a sweet guy.

But looks bad.

-

Sam is waving a pencil. He looks like a lecturer.

-

This is a different part of the Bunker or the library from an angle we never see and this is a new table with a different lamp and I am so horrified, as the Table Meta person, to have a bunch of new stuff to work out and write about :P

This is the Yoda Table for the time being

I suppose it's a new place for a fresh start and, like, virgin territory for meta meaning. Whether it's the store room or the library the important thing is it's DIFFERENT and it's a sort of secluded corner than right out in the middle of the war room or something. It's a sort of private nook kind of feeling. Sam is trying to make a comfortable environment for Jack.

Jack glances at Sam.

Thing is, Asmodeus got him to open a portal to hell by cajoling him, and Sam's asking him to get control of basic things like moving a pencil around. It SEEMS safe and like a good exercise to try and get to grips with his powers and learn finesse and control, and for Jack's sake too. But... Idk, still looks dodgy Sam. I mean I can absolutely and 100% see a surface level where this is adorable and great and Sam has a new friend/nephew, and for the time being I'm enjoying it as it is. But I have this worried feeling that Sam is not going to help Jack emotionally, even if this works in the short term, because Jack has room to be suspicious of what Sam wants, and even if Sam doesn't ask for a while, he has a motivation for Jack to learn to control his powers beyond JUST wanting to help him. I think their dynamic is great and fascinating, but I am worried that from Jack's perspective he won't get the nuance of Sam - Sam needs to open up to him for one thing about his own fuck ups and what Azazel - another yellow eyed demon - did to him.

And Jack glancing at Sam who is watching him so intently is the tension here - can Jack trust Sam when Sam may be just as interested in Jack as Asmodeus was? How can a 5 day old TELL?

-

James has a super nice house.

Also Missouri is "not supposed to call" but they used a recent calls screen on her phone instead of a contacts list, and James was on it, which means that she HAS been in contact with him recently, and therefore prop department messed it up. The CGI in this episode has made 2 errors already >.>

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OH NO JAMES DOESN'T BELIEVE

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"it's coming for you and pa-" nooo

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WHERE IS PATIENCE

I wanna see her on screeeeeeeeeeeeen

-

WHAT DID MISSOURI DO TO JAMES?

She was a John parallel in 1x09 and allied with him and withholding epic amounts of plot info that only she knew what could have been everything up to and including end of season 2 reveal stuff. Her powers make her kind of a disaster friend tbh. Like, great at a party but if you don't believe your mother has visions and is, idk, hysterical or something, then OH BOY that makes for some family trauma. We'll see how this shakes out but right now James at least is successful and rich and has nooothing to do with his mother even though he may potentially be psychic and repressed about it himself, since the wraith will be coming for him and Patience, and we know SHE is.

I kinda don't wanna make a parallel where she's the bad parent and fucked up her son who has repressed his powers because oh boy he's got like a Dean Smith level apartment and this is a can of worms I can't be bothered to delve into when Patience might be on screen soon.

-

Dean "yes ma'am"'d Missouri because everything is awful, because he'd "yes sir" John and oh god. Ow.

Jody is watching like "what the hell sort of dynamic have I missed here?"

She has been taking notes on these boys for years and she still doesn't know anything about them. I was thinking the other day watching 5x15 that when she meets them they're in Fed get up and they bluster at her like they're the authorities when she first challenges them, until she calls Bobby and sees through it and calls their crap. But something something defensive retreat into surface level clam shell around Jody, re: she had no idea Dean went to Purgatory, was a demon, or that Mary had come back to life, just for STARTERS.

I wonder if Missouri commenting on the car was a tie back to John as well specifically in her alignment. This season is all about fathers and without an actual John for Dean to deal with, bringing Missouri back as a John figure... eep

-

Meanwhile Jack is still squinting at a pencil and calling himself useless, so I think Sam is about to climb on his back and make him run through a swamp while beating him with a stick

(dear god I hope every single one of you has watched Empire Strikes Back)

-

Jack's catchphrase is "I don't -" he just doesn't understand. He doesn't KNOW.

Asmodeus was "in his head"

Holy shit and then Sam suggests Jack try that and Jack snaps back at him because HOLY SHIT SAM CAN YOU HEAR HOW BAD THIS SOUNDS?

You really can't, because you think you are doing a good thing but USB STICK, SAM. USB STICK.

Asmodeus was a master manipulator who made Jack want to do a thing so badly and used all the right words to make him do exactly what he wanted. Sam is nice enough not to brainwash Jack like see the pencil, be the pencil dramatics... But asking Jack to remember one of his many traumatic experiences? Noooo don't do it.

This is a very bad plan, Sam.

Anyway also Jack confirms how Asmodeus manipulated him and shows his innocence and also his feelings on what happened - how horrible it was for him to go through it, and, well, he was 3 days old and he got tricked and he has no emotional touchstones to handle this sort of thing :(

And Sam is just being way too rigorous - we take a break, he gets some food, then he'll come back and we try again? Nooo Sam.

(btw I have to say I have been saying over and over that Berens writes my favourite Sam, and this is indeed Berens making Sam absolutely fascinating, although I have to repeat, as a totally flawed and messed up person. No one was ever there for Sam to guide him through what he could do. He didn't even know how he moved that wardrobe the one time he did telekinesis... He's completely lost and trying to handle this alone and with a lot to prove because Dean's snapped at him and stormed off, and he wants Mary back... He's being like Dean - angry and taking it out on Jack - but in Sam's chill, deep under the surface way, and of course like Dean can spare smiles and hugs for Jody and Missouri, he still can have a kind and well-meaning surface layer just like Dean can have a happy one. But bring on the frustration and he slips and says the wrong things and now he's acting like a strict teacher....)

Jack's face that was cast to be both perfectly scowly and perfectly cute is now being used to be very scary and scowly.

-

OH NO MISSOURI!!!

She was badass and defiant to the end but it's still sad and we knew it was coming because, well... I swear there was spoiler chatter that Patience and Missouri would meet, but I suppose it's more like Patience is going to find out about her grandma and have to learn about her that way...

I mean the whole point of Wayward Sisters so far has been Jody collecting orphaned girls and she has a living father and until this point Missouri, so she has to end up in a way where Jody is now the only guiding light she has

but bleeeeeeeh.

-

ANYWAY like passing the baton, we get the last scene of Missouri (making a stand) and move to Patience.

HELLO NEW MAIN CHARACTER

-

She's a neeeerd

I love her

-

She is good at volleyball because she's psychic

-

heee wonder woman comparison. Blah blah meta from when Dean owned being wonder woman.

-

Her athletic friend looks nerdy and she describes her as being a bookworm athlete because Patience looks cool and athletic (she's very tall or her friend is short...) so there's 2 false binaries here: the nerd and athlete one where you can only be one or another. Her friend with the massive glasses and fringe (bangs?) is nerd-coded. And Patience carrying around her files but secretly being good at sports is the direct opposite... I like this imagery, no prizes for guessing where else I apply it :P

-

All the lights are flickering... It would be hilarious if SHE was causing it, just because monsters don't do that...

I think she is having a vision.

OH it was a dream, cool. (We're really expanding what psychics can do all of a sudden, because we're about to send 2 of them off into Wayward Sisters. If Kaia and Patience can hang out in dreams, that would be AWESOME. I bet visiting Patience's dream landscape once she has her powers under control would be amazing, if 8x08 and Fred's inner mind is anything to go off of :P)

Also OH NO poor Missouri. She's used her death as an omen for Patience, like, basically just because her father won't talk to her. I mean talk about spite, she's right in the John Winchester model of family, like, well guess I'll just DIE then, and get Patience to deal with this for me :P

Getting back to those flashing lights, also, even though it was just a dream, I do think it was interesting because Jack blew all those lights. I think it's a sign of losing control as much as a display of power - if we go from 4x01 and Cas doing it, it was just because raw power on display. In 13x01 for Jack it's both that and loss of control. For Patience it's the sign of the supernatural creeping up on her but also she loses control of her dream environment and Missouri invades it to send her the warning...

-

James has something on his screen about crude oil. He's probably like a stocks and shares guy or something. This house is ridiculous. Patience is going to be the rich kid on the team, and probably adjusting to the gross gritty life of being a hunter :P

-

Ooh she did recognise Missouri - so the contact wasn't broken off THAT long ago.... I say remembering how I thought she hadn't changed at all since season 1 :P

-

James doesn't give anything away about her phoning like, yesterday. He looks baaad about it.

Don't lie to kids about their powers and heritage...

I say side-eyeing Sam for not getting into the exact thing with Lucifer I was blah-ing on about at the top of this episode. Which is probably not helping Jack understand and control his powers

-

Oh noooo Dean at a Gas n Sip

hearing about the murder on the TV OH NO

I got to ask why it's night at the fortune teller's and day where Dean is.

-

Singer directed this and I'm up to 3 boo boos of the wraith not being in the mirror, the phone breaking the story, and the wrong time of day in the footage on TV so I'm just gonna side eye and move on. Maybe he's having an off week when he made this or something because when he's not directing Eugenie's scripts he's normally competent.

-

Knock Knock hello James

Wait, Dean has got massively more scruffy between scenes.

HE HAS - I WENT BACK AND LOOKED

Is this a continuity about them driving all night?

I am loving the look. Gimme more of the season 9 look Dean.

-

They are kinda treating James like he knows and cares about monsters, when really he's a stock guy with a fancy house. Wrong approach, but telling the absolute truth. Dean, again, not sugar coating it. Jody has to step in and help with comforting sounding words about the truth. She, also, doesn't even mention she's a cop and is acting very much as Dean's partner on the hunt rather than a cop.

-

Patieeence. At school with her friend, who is badgering her about hot boys. Patience relucantly says okay fine he's hot. *wonders exactly how gay she is* Probably not with a huuuge crush on her friend but we'll see :P No one can be that "ugh" about the entire concept.

-

Patiiiience. She's been ACTIVATED.

-

The fact she had a couple of pencils sticking out of something in her locker just makes me think that over on the other side of the story Sam is trying to activate Jack's powers via a pencil.

-

AAAH

HAHAHAHA She's awesome!!!

And she snaps the gross wraith spike off with like 0% of the fuss Dean made.

-

I LOVE the shot of Dean rushing down the stairs to follow the wraith... I also love that Jody is now united with Patience, and she's gonna glom onto her and drag her into her spiiiiin offffffffff

-

After all the fuss I'm making that better get picked up or I'm rioting.

-

Dean nearly gets hit by a blue van - hey, monsters in blue vans? 8x18, that time when Dean was like "what, my feelings????" when Sam asked him how he was, and then there was that creepy Metatron sweater dude being a terrible stand-in father for Krissy in like the dark timeline version of what Wayward Sisters is promising to become.

-

Bah Dean shaved again... Get the continuity together!!

-

Ohh no Patience thinks Missouri doesn't caaare... She ditched her after her mom died? heeeey-o John parallels where he emotionally ditched them after Mary died. Only this leads to Patience growing up with no idea about her powers... Except she has been unnerved enough by her deja vu to sound like she's researched it on wikipedia and reassured herself that hey this happens to everyone...

Well if she's not queer she's certainly having one hell of a metaphor journey :P

-

HOLY SHIT SAM. He put Jack in that table because there's a SECRET CAMERA

you know what Sam has done? Once he knew the BMOL put cameras in the bunker, he's gone and found their wifi and he's got into it with undefined magic hacking powers they all have and he's using Ketch's surveillance for his own purposes now.

Look. You mean well. You're reading the sort of parenting book for psychic kids you never had yourself (love it) but this is creepy! You shouldn't be spying on Jack!!!!

Sam has boundary issues with his magic nephew, more news at 10

-

I know I know  he's just concerned and worried and wants to do the right thing but he's not got any frame of reference for how to emotionally nurture someone. It's a MIRACLE and testament to his nature that he's come out anything like as sweet as he did. But oh boy this is bad. You can't just come running in yelling because Jack moved out of sight because now Sam has betrayed that he was watching Jack or WHY WOULD HE COME RUNNING IN IN SUCH A PANIC?

-

Jack's starting to sound done with everything and I love my Nougat child who likes sitting in dark corners.

-

He's not sitting cross-legged this time, it's much more like how Sam found him in 12x23

-

I think Jack seeks out dark shadowy places to lurk

-

His voice has literally changed to be more gravelly

-

OH NO JACK NOOOOOOOOO

HOW DARE YOU THINK YOU'RE EVIL, YOU PRECIOUS CHILD

-

But Dean thinks he'll be evil and Sam has surveillance set up on him...

-

Oh dear god let this be the Berens Speech of the episode that makes me weep openly

-

OH NO NOUGAT

-

He's got all his comparisons to live up to but he doesn't have his angel watching over him!!!

I said earlier that's a bad comparison for Jack to treat him as his father AND that phrase needs to be hauled out and torn to shreds, but I think some short term guardian angeling will probably be good for Jack and maybe even Cas depending on how he feels when he gets back... I almost trust this season to treat that relationship slowly and carefully since they're being so absolutely on the nose with character development stuff being spelled out.

-

Sam's doing the "listen" thing and sitting down... Can you get to Jack?

SAY THE THING

Oh gosh he apologised for pressuring Jack

I didn't think that would work

I should yell at the screen more

-

HE WANTS TO FIND A BETTER WAY

AND THEN HE TOOK JACK'S HAND AND HAULED HIM TO HIS FEET

-

OH YEAH HERE IT IS "I know what it feels like -" THAT WAS PART 2 OF "SAY THE THING"

-

AHAHA STOP MAKING SAM CRY, BERENS, YOU MONSTER

-

It makes me cry

-

"Dean, Cas - my family helped me through" NOOOOOOOOOOOOPE FUCK OFF BERENS

"you're not evil, Jack" THANKS SAM, THOUGH

-

Meanwhile: Jody and Dean awkwardly stand next to each other while Patience has a Family Moment.

Dean's connection to Missouri goes so far back that Patience has to mean something to him in the sense that omg this is Missouri's family... However she treated Dean (and kinda scared him i think :P) he has an investment in them because Missouri was there at a bloody awful time for him, and she was helpful and good to them (and he has no idea she was lying about John the whole time - tbh the fact that she can see stuff that happened in a scene pretty much just confirms to me that what we DIDN'T see was that the first time John met her he took her to the nursery and BAM she sees the scene from 2x21 that Azazel showed Sam of the demon blood and she's like... ah.)

(pls refer to my pre-wayward sisters watching notes for actual thoughts on that :P I got super rambly and i'm not going over it AGAIN)

-

OH NO James grew up having total faith in her powers and then she said what James wanted to hear and told him the better news either making a mistake or doing EXACTLY WHAT WE SAW HER DO in her introductory seconds... Temporary help to alleviate pain but in the end - well, that guy's wife was still banging the gardener whether he knew it or not and one way or another he might find out...)

UGH Missouri what did you do.

-

OH NO JAMES HAS DEAN'S BACKSTORY OF HIS PARENT ON THE ROAD HUNTING MONSTERS

Remember when I said I hated the Dean Smith life he made for himself? I HATE IT SO MUCH

-

I went to vent at Mittens about this and she told me she has been comparing Patience to Kev and James to Linda and that's another extremely awful way to look at all this :D

-

"I didn't want that life for you" I think it's interesting that James managed to put it all behind him SO effectively, especially if he's somewhat psychic himself (I BET IT HELPS WITH TRADING SHARES, IF IT HELPS WITH VOLLEYBALL. JUST SAYING)... He's basically done what both John and Mary repeatedly said especially in the context of Sam and just letting him go to school and live a life. Patience has got that - so far - but lo and behold it all catches up.

-

Aaaand James chooses to run again.

Like, it sucks, but "use her as bait and kill the wraith" is generally the better tactic when it comes to just confronting your problems. And the horror genre is ALWAYS about confronting those inner problems. In this case the wraith going specifically after the psychics in the family is blatantly a metaphor for this catching up and James no longer being able to pretend this isn't what his family is all about. I would say it's targeted at his decisions and Patience's awakening - a vision is one thing, an attack BECAUSE she had it seals the deal and makes it impossible to ignore.

And if James runs again, he only puts the problem behind them, to try and live normally but... Patience has already been changed by this encounter and Missouri's awakening.

-

Awwwwwwww nooooooooo flashback.

She's so SMOL.

This is all the perfect sort of emotional manipulation to get me completely attached to her.

-

I'm trying not to meta too much between The Man Pain and Patience's story (she's the POV character of WS I think? I mean I desperately want her to be, as the new character to the dynamic aside from Kaia who's being introduced later as a part of Claire's story - and I think I saw one comment somewhere in the PR and completely latched onto it) but there is something about James saying that Missouri's influence is poison and Patience learning to be psychic is something he desperately wants to avoid, and the parallel story with Jack also discovering his powers. Patience thankfully only seems to have Sam-like visions and will probably have Missouri's skill set (i mean sheesh this might not be a memory but a vision but in this case it's almost impossible to tell apart for Patience except that maybe this is literally the clarity of what she's remembering on screen :P) - I think it works better in the present day, that the adults are all here to weigh in on what Patience can be.

I think Missouri appearing in flashes mirrors Kelly to Jack, since he's not getting anything from Cas at the moment, so she's the beacon of someone who truly believes in Patience, and there was a sort of powers birth transfer awakening thing in the way Missouri dies and Patience gets her first strong vision that she can't shake off as deja vu.

-

Dean said that Missouri reads objects so Patience is probably getting this vision off the brooch, tbh.

-

This hazy memory is probably actually circa like... season 2 or something, if Patience is supposed to be school aged NOW and the show is THIRTEEN YEARS OLD so if she's like... 5... that's season 1 or 2, if she's roughly supposed to be 18

I am not good at maths btw feel free to call this out

-

That kid REALLY looks like young Patience, in that creepy SPN casting directors way

-

OH GOSH the vision parallels not just to Kelly but Missouri will always look out for her, and that's very much like Angels Are Watching Over You

-

AAAAAH HE GRABBED PATIENCE

put it back.jpg

-

Is James going to use his own secrit powers he's been repressing the entire time and find her?

-

HE'S GONNA USE HIS PSYCHIC POWERS TO FIND PATIENCE

Bless this entire metaphor of repression being overcome and accessing the true parts of yourself.

-

Is this the same creepy set that Cas once stabbed a demon in that time when he was looking for something or other? I can't even remember if that was season 10 or 11 or what he was looking for, but a gif of him wandering around doing The Eyebrow is common enough on my dash I don't forget that it happened :P

-

Oh great he basically has super wraith powers because he drinks people with super powers.

Stupid creepy wraith

Leave her alone!!!!!!!!!

LOL

"first: gross" I love her.

-

NOOOOO JAMES

You were just starting to be cool

-

Wait is she having a vision, because Jody should probably not be dead right now if she has a spin off to be playing around in:P

I bet Dean's about to killed too

Yep

owie, that was embarrassing for him

He's super off his game if he lets himself get killed THAT EASILY

-

This was super metaphoric on so many levels though - once I know what happens with James I should get back to that, but Jody symbolically being killed and she's moving on to another property with her flock of girls, and DEAN, getting symbolically super killed like stabby stabby stabby, make it look good for the next time they have to recap how often they all die on this show.. :P But yeah, even just showing him dying is fascinating, especially with the context of how he's feeling.

And oh no Mittens pointed out he's not just off his game but if he saw Jody being dead, that's all his worst fears, and ANOTHER dead friend on his hands, and he did specifically come here to protect her, in his words. :<

-

I love the 2nd version of this. The new fight coordinator guy is really showing off. I type in the instant Dean grabs the rope because improvised weapons are a thing now :P

-

I should probably dig up that meta about veils between worlds because even if Dean didn't die he just got shoved through like 100 hanging sheets and that is ridiculously symbolic.

-

Nice one, Dean.

LOL his face. "welp, killed that guy"

I feel like there was a Moment there. Like maybe he thought hunting would make him feel something but -

oh no

-

HE'S SCRUFFY AGAIN

I feel attacked by the bad continuity but the fact that the bad continuity is because Dean's apparently due some grief scruff

-

"You handled that wraith! Guess you still got it!!"

*dean pauses* *stares into the nihilistic dark void consuming his soul*

"guess so"

I hate this

-

PATIENCE

Snuggly hoodie is snuggly. I wanna hug her

-

"Thank you, for everything" that phraaase nooo

-

James thinks she should put her gift away and get back to normal... But she has a spin off to go to.

-

NOO DEAN DO NOT DO A IN THIS LIFE SPEECH

I HAAATE THIS

-

elizabethrobertajones WHAT THE FUCK HE'S SCRUFFY AGAIN I'm phoning the continuity guy how do I find his number Dean's scruff has been coming and going all episode :P

mittensmorgul wait where are you?

elizabethrobertajones Dean's broken pls help him this must be the scene they wanted the scruff for and he showed up on day 1 of filming clean shaven and they were like... Jensen... no

mittensmorgul HAHAHA

elizabethrobertajones Dean's gotta talk about how everything sucks and he wants to just go live on the beach in a house made of sticks and you need at least 5mm of scruff for that speech

mittensmorgul oh no...

-

Anyway Dean and James agree - Patience should go live in her house and they should exploit their skills only for shares and volleyball. Dean is utterly, utterly defeated and he hates the job and it's the worst and everyone you love will die and you just have to kill monsters all day and it's not even FUN...

-

please help him

-

YAY JODY

"you don't have to listen to him" because guess who is NOT THE BOSS OF US ON THE WAYWARD SISTERS SHOW?

That's right, The Man Pain(TM)

Jody you absolute beacon of sunshine and love and accepting yourself. She can see Dean's broken and spoke out of turn to what Patience might need in his own grief (and I think that must parallel to Sam's treatment of Jack somewhat although thankfully they resolved it back to a functioning relationship already) so she offers her an alternative.

OH NO and she refers to Claire as a sort of daughter

haaalp

And she's so sad she couldn't keep Claire safe against her nature to be a hunter.

And Jody OBLITERATES repression completely. Go be gay with the Wayward Sisters. :D

"You try to force it down to make someone else happy, you will only make yourself miserable"

I love you Berens.

-

And Jody recruits another avenger :D

-

*glares at my tables tag* Sam is sitting alone in the dark at the war room table, exactly like the end of 9x06. Sometimes being right about the sneaky imagery the show uses feels so pointless because, well, I'm right, but to what purpose does this serve? The tables tag will never bring me glory in battle :P

-

Mittens just warned me to squish Taako for the rest of this scene so I'm in hug mode.

-

"How's the kid, did he go darkside yet?" "nooope."

I mean I'm using Sam's line as a reaction gif forever but OW.

Is Sam gonna call Dean out on what he's been saying about Jack? I scared.

"He's messed up because of you"

... uuh. Again. I'm gonna stop asking Berens for the next line of dialogue because i feel like I'm in that gameshow where they are trying to finish a phrase and I'm just asking for all the right letters while thinking I know what the phrase is and I am scared about what that phrase is.

-

And Sam is playing with the rings on the table, which Lucifer once did, and Sam did a few times in season 12 when things were HAIRY.

He fidgets when he is upset with his family.

-

"You think you can USE this freak"

I'm SHAKING. DEAN, NO. STOP TALKING IMMMMMMEDIATELY RIGHT NOW.

I stand by that Sam has a dodgy approach to Jack but fuck that entire concept that Dean just aired, we're getting into Open Warfare in the fandom between the Sam n Dean factions, I can tell. Like... the only question is is this going to be worse than Sam Hit A Dog or In The Same Situation I Wouldn't, or both on top of each other?

-

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO JACK IS THERE

-

Dean is wearing a black henley and Jack is wearing a white one I HATE IT

-

"I didn't end bad" OH WE ARE GOING THERE

WE ARE SO GOING THERE

Sam's been going there since Dean said "freak" because i have recently rewatched enough of season 1-4 to screeech when Dean said it.

-

And here's the season 2 thing back again

-

OH SHIT

Dean no

NO.

He's saying ALL THE THINGS AND HE SHOULD NOT BE SAYING THEEEEM

(I mean... healthy communication and the truth? But like... not doing it at top volume in front of the kid??)

NO THE CAS THING

THIS IS THE SAME FACE AS 9x22 WHEN DEAN SAID IT WAS A DICTATORSHIP

-

CAAAASSSSSS

-

HI BABE

Wakey wakey

-

Okay I had to go to dinner and I took my laptop down and made my mum extremely sad

I noticed a couple of other things on the next pass through, mostly sneaky dialogue repeats that I can't remember

but pass 2 through that last argument anyway because I was rushing it

-

Oh teardrops in the bead curtain at Dede's place, because grief. More passing through veils too.

The 9x06 parallel because Sam has a pencil for Jack, and it's a different room in the Bunker but weird shades of them keeping Crowley there, at least on the negative side of how they're treating Jack. Not a true parallel - different room and they're not asking him to write anything down, and Jack is doubling as Kevin.

Thinking of doubles - Patience framed as having 2 consciences about whether she becomes a wayward sister or not in Dean vs Jody - very much like Jack having dual father issues. Jody says "don't listen to him" for the negative example and wafts it away with love and she's gonna keep Patience :3

Also I thought of like 18 more reasons why I love Patience while I was watching

-

So, 3rd pass through this argument... WHY AM I DOING THIS TO MYSELF

Sam confronting Dean is again something where the episode establishes a mixed sort of approach but overall he has a GOOD approach to Jack and the best he's getting at the moment. Dean calling out Sam for using Jack THAT loudly and angrily instead of gently critiquing his methods and asking Sam if he'd care if Jack couldn't get Mary back - that's something Jack can't overhear right now but super needs to.

Of course, Dean is the Worst Parent but he hasn't signed up for that role. He still has an influence over Jack and is too super pissed off to see Jack - and Jack is behind a wall, which takes us to Berens and 12x22 and the wall between Dean and Mary. Dean can't see Jack for what he is and that means he's saying all the wrong things and not even able to reach out to parent him.

Jack basically wakes Cas up to get him back so he can have a non-yelling parent who will be uncomplicatedly good and the angel who watches over him.

(More on that dynamic once they interact a bit)

-

The fact Sam summons the spectre of John to tell Dean that he told him to put a bullet in Sam... Of course Dean can refute what John said and that Sam deserves to be saved which is lovely but you know. Awful argument. Not really the time for that sentiment :P Dean can see Sam - knows and trusts him like no one else in the universe; even Cas in some respects, because Cas is complicated and it's always so messy, that he keeps on giving Cas trust but Cas leaves or does stuff Dean doesn't approve of, and Sam is generally easier for him to deal with...

(Also the complicated feelings about Cas)

-

Sam goes and demolishes that this is about Mary. That Dean might be SAD about her and losing her but that he knows as well as Sam that she's gone because she went into that fight willingly, to protect them.

Cas, on the other hand, Dean absolutely can't see past. Dean's *entire* problem with Jack is because he lost Cas. Because he looks at Jack and sees dead Cas. Sam can explain how Mary chose to punch Lucifer right in the face (hehe) in some easy steps, but Dean then spells out his perception on what happened to Cas because of Jack.

-

I am so not over how the only time I've seen Dean this angry with Sam is in 9x22 and he yells right in his face and - GAH. I mean he's been angry with him before but it was a cold, sad or defeated anger, usually with tears involved. This is wide eyed, crazed, Mark of Cain Dean, who then walked around the corner and flipped back to a smooshy smile because Cas was there.

And this fight is taking place in almost the same space of turf as that argument, because heeey war room where the wars take place.

-

At this point, after "you might be able to forget about that, but I can't", I am pretty sure that Destiel has just gone horrifically canon in like the worst possible way, that Dean calls out the difference in their feelings about Cas.

It's literally putting on the table "is sam a dick or does dean just love cas in a special kind of way"

and dear god, Sam is not a dick.

Sam is amazing.

-

But not as much as Misha Collins who got a special card with his name on and "starring" above it, just for opening his eyes and sitting up.

[dustydreamsanddirtyscars]

i follow a lot of meta writers who say dean's story doesn't make sense without destiel. for example, amara was about exposing how dean felt about cas; the heart stuff how she found dean by touching cas' heart follow your heart all that. i ship destiel but don't think it will be endgame (wish it would be honestly). can i ask what do you think dean's story is without a destiel exposition? Do the amara and MoC and Mary story lines make sense without it? What is Dean's personal story and endgame?

Dear anon,

first and foremost what I want to emphasize going into this reply is that people can take away whatever they want from the show and read it in a way that suits their viewing of what happens on screen. All of what we see in those 45 minutes of television is influenced and shaped by our own experiences and interests, by the things that speak to us and move us or the aspects and topics we deem important. For that very reason readings and views will always differ simply because we all have our own focus. Things that stand out to one person, aren’t important for another for the sole reason that we tend to latch onto and project what moves us most into the narrative and analyze what plays out in the episode accordingly. What I mean is: it’s natural to disagree, there isn’t such a thing as ONE and ONLY ONE RIGHT reading. And there is nothing shameful or wrong about disagreeing with someone else, it’s all about how one expresses those differences of opinion. No one is better or worse or stupid for not seeing what someone else may see that doesn’t fit to your personal impression and perception of the show. In short: Live and let live.

The reason I am prefacing my reply with this long, more general ramble is due to the fact that I feel the fighting within the fandom over “right ways of reading and watching the show” or “people being too stupid to realize the show is saying this and this and not that and that” has gotten to a ridiculous and toxic point in which tolerance is lacking all around and on all sides and is seriously tiring to me, because it is just mind baffling to me why people can’t just be happy with what they read and see in the show and share it with the ones who see it similarly, but have to force their views on everybody else and get nasty over people having another view and takeaway than them and throwing around insults like there is no tomorrow.

With that all out of the way, let me tell you my view on Dean’s story. And just to make that clear from the get go :) no, I don’t think Dean’s story only makes sense when taking Deancas into account. It’s alright for me, if people argue that and feel that way, but to me it’s simply not the case and also imo takes away from Dean as a character in his own right.

I enjoy(ed) Deancas and like interactions between Dean and Castiel (though tbh since S11 to me a lot has changed and I no longer feel passionate or strongly about them, because to me the writers and how they handle the relationship atm is just too hollow and soulless for my taste, it simply no longer has the depth and “spark” for lack of a better word that it used to have in seasons prior, which still speak to me and move me when it comes to these two characters), but I do truly take issues with people arguing that Dean or his story only makes sense in relation to Castiel. I have the same issues with people arguing that Dean’s story and Dean only makes sense in relation to Sam. Of course both people are relevant to Dean’s story, but to me another person/characters should never be the most important thing about another character. So yeah, both of these viewings are the same to me in their essence, because in both cases it discredits Dean as a character in his own right in measures and ways I personally find very sad, because it belittles Dean. And Dean is much more than the people he loves (and this actually one aspect that is actually part of the show for Dean to realize) and that is kind of one of the main things that I personally feel relevant for Dean’s arc and possible endgame: seeing himself as worthy and important unrelated to any other person/character.

[[This week’s episode imo has highlighted a great deal how I personally see Dean’s story spanning from the first season onwards and what his struggles were and are that need to be overcome for him to be happy (if you browse my 13x03gif tag you’ll find all the meta I already wrote on the topic).]]

It may be for the very reason that Dean always puts others first and worries about them that people tend to see Dean only as an extension to another character. To me personally therefore one of the main things that has been explored heavily all throughout Carver Era and with that the Moc and Amara arc is addressing how “unfree” Dean has been all his life and how he has never truly listened or maybe even truly found out what he himself wants and is without the people he “cares for” (that is btw one huge point that was made in this week’s episode when Kelly told Jack that he didn’t have to be like his mother or father, but just himself and how this drastically differs to Dean who has been both unwanted - see meta and gifs for that here), because that very aspect - Dean thinking he needs to be this or that (mother, father and brother from age 4 onwards - as he himself openly now emphasized wasn’t fair) - has become Dean’s entire “reason for existence”. He thinks of himself as only useful when he can be of service and that is one tragic and horrible way not only of thinking about yourself (as unworthy, etc.), but also to live, because as the show has highlighted again and again when Dean feels like he cannot be of help, he thinks he lacks a reason to live and slips even further into a depression that is always glowering there just underneath the surface.

Due to all of what I mentioned just yet, I personally find it highly unfortunate that some people tend to make Dean all about Sam or Cas, because it falls completely in the trap that causes Dean so many issues since he himself only views himself as an extension to someone else, but that by no means means that that is right - quite the opposite. And that is also one of the many issues I have with Dabb’s showrunning and S12 in particular as in seasons prior the narrative addressed the discrepancy of Dean feeling like he matters least, etc. but that the characters around him constantly showed that that is not the case, but only something happening inside Dean’s head. Now S12 blatantly made it text that Dean does indeed not matter himself and I will never not be absolutely disgusted about that, because throughout the entire season we saw Dean put down, his emotions ignored, lied to (really, the way the season started, Mary trampling all over her son, is so emblematic of what happened throughout the entire season as well) and none of the treatment he experienced got corrected in the end, but Dabb friggin decided that it is a stellar idea to have Dean only briefly express how his mother’s death shaped him and messed him up (and yes, I get that it is in line with who Dean is and how he thinks so little of himself and putsothers traumas and needs first while ignoring his own, because they seem less important - see how that narrative thread runs through the whole show?) but that ultimately Dean as a person once more would disappear by making it all about Sam and talking about how Sam suffered (never mind Dean did and does too) and it also only then that his friggin mother is showing any kind of interest in her son. Only when her one son talks about the other son. Yeah, nice work there. But really, what took the cake for me with all that was how Mary didn’t even wrap Dean into a hug when he fucking saved her, but she opts to fall into Sam’s arms. Sorry, but gahhhh, I’ll never not be epicly pissed off about this.

Considering all this I am not surprised when people tend to think Dean has no story of his own or that it doesn’t make sense without Deancas or Sam on the other hand, but to me as someone who is most interested in each character in their own right much more than in any possible pairing, it is frustrating, because you feel like you are an island and belong nowhere. But sorry, I got caught up in my disliking of S12, I’m trying to get back on track now.

So given all that and the whole aspect of Dean’s “lack of freedom” due to feelings of responsibility are a huge aspect that to me was integral in the entirety of the MoC arc and the Amara arc as to me it explored Dean’s feelings of inadequacy and showing and exploring how Dean may have always been the main symbol for “free will”, but rarely has had it himself. In that regard, and I know this may be an utterly unpopular opinion to many, I have always analyzed Dean’s MoC arc and his time as a demon as a sort of “rite of passage” that served as a setting stone for Dean’s liberation, because it was as a demon that for the first time Dean only did what he himself wanted. It’s of course just one small aspect of a much more complex overall storyline, but to me it is an integral part nonetheless. Dean wasn’t happy as a demon by a long shot, but he did only what he wanted without feeling bad about having wishes of his own.

During the MoC and Amara arc Dean’s lack of independency from the people closest to him was amplified by making Dean unable to control what happened within himself when he held the blade or was in Amara’s closer vicinity. He was other directed, a puppet that got its strings pulled and that thread has been an integral one for Dean since we saw him strung up in Hell and torn apart (literally) by ropes tearing him apart every which way. To me there couldn’t be a more fitting and sadder visual for how Dean spent his entire life: caught in the middle, trying to keep a family together that drifted apart and getting torn apart and ending up hurt and damaged by trying to keep all of it together.

So in a way Dean losing his agency to the mark and then later Amara was just the utter extreme of showing how Dean for most of his life has not lived and done what he himself wanted, but what others needed him to do. The theme is right there, right from the beginning of the show and culminates for the first time in S4 and S5 when Dean rejects to become and be what Heaven wants him to be. The same strength he showed in relation to Michael, he never was able to show when it came to things his father demanded of him for example. There is a a famous scene where Dean articulates that himself in “Sacrecrow” in S1

and it comes back up here and there across the seasons when Dean expresses that he wished he would have stood up against their father more, etc. - the entire episode 9x06 “Bad Boys” also shines a huge light on that whole topic as we get a glimpse of the Dean there, who was allowed to be just a teen without feeling burdened and responsible to join his father’s fight.

For me Dean’s entire arc spanning over the course of the show is a storyline about self discovery about coming of age and coming into his own (an no with that I don’t mean a “coming out”-story, though of course it could be worked in or rather go hand in hand with that, but Dean’s sexual liberation to me has never been an integral topic from the beginning of the show and explored deeply until now, whereas the other has - again everyone is open to disagree with me, I have no problems with anyone reading it different, but this is just my personal feeling on the matter). It’s a narrative focusing on identity for someone who has never truly had the chance to become who he would have been if he had never had to be what others needed him to be. Phew… that was a weird sentence, lol. Anybody else got a knot in their brain now? ;)

And last but not least (though frankly I could write like 10 times as much as I already did since this is such a complex question) since you bring up the heart symbolism. I don’t mean to piss anyone off, but the heart symbolism as such has been surrounding Dean long before Castiel even came into the show (and it’s one of my favorite topics aside from “Dean as a christ figure” and I’ve written countless meta on that topic - I’m gonna leave a bunch of links to metas behind the cut at the end of this meta, for anyone who is interested in talk about heart symbolism, liberation, Amara and MoC arc etc. - some may even feature Deancas, but 95%  are just about Dean - it is by no means all I have written on the topic, but a good start), so to me - while I have no problem with people connect the heart symbolism in recents seasons to Castiel and Dean - they aren’t connected to another character at all, but are solely a symbol and metaphor for Dean as a character, because Dean’s heart has always been his biggest asset, but also what makes him so vulnerable. Dean is the “heart” of the show, as he serves as the PoV character. But most of all the heart symbolism surrounding Dean to me also belongs to the whole identity thread. It is also after all that Dean’s metaphorical death and re-emergence as a demon as a stepping stone to his liberation and coming of age (the healing part is still hopefully to come) is brought on by him dying by being stabbed through the heart…

http://dustydreamsanddirtyscars.tumblr.com/post/121901277911/this-is-easier-some-more-thoughts-on-the

http://dustydreamsanddirtyscars.tumblr.com/post/69379178845/dean-winchesters-heart-is-a-puzzle

http://dustydreamsanddirtyscars.tumblr.com/post/131476588721/11x02-form-and-void-shes-a-miracle

http://dustydreamsanddirtyscars.tumblr.com/post/98552189146/this-is-a-story-a-marvelous-story-full-of-love

http://dustydreamsanddirtyscars.tumblr.com/post/87629591461/go-right-ahead-put-a-blade-through-your

http://dustydreamsanddirtyscars.tumblr.com/post/67585667715/of-werevolves-tin-men-dean-winchester-and-his

http://dustydreamsanddirtyscars.tumblr.com/post/110615479616/dustydreamsanddirtyscarsdeans-physical-and

http://dustydreamsanddirtyscars.tumblr.com/post/66175602035/things-about-9x05-dog-dean-afternoon-3

http://dustydreamsanddirtyscars.tumblr.com/post/127498203661/the-original-serpent-3

[gregorsamsadementiaravenway]

Stray notes after watching The Last Jedi

Or: why does this movie just keep getting worse whenever I remember it?

The notes are after the cut just in case someone hasn’t seen the film yet or doesn’t want a long ass bullet point post in their dash. Some of them are serious and well thought-out, some are nitpicky and some are there just for the heck of it.

“Let the past die. Kill it if you have to.” - Why, that’s just peachy, Rian! Too bad the future your selling is a little shit.

In general, Rian Johnson doesn’t seem to have much respect for the past. See tathrin’s post about all the things established in TFA that were turned upside down in this film, but I think Johnson doesn’t have much consideration for the original trilogy either, reducing Chewbacca to a background character and trying to replace “May the Force be with you” with some other, less inspired line.

Seriously, why are they saying “Godspeed”? Did monotheism reach a galaxy far, far away and they now, suddenly, have a notion of God? And, while were at it, why is “treacherous snake” a thing, now? Are there snakes in the Star Was universe? ‘Cause, so far, all animals have been on the fantastic side of things. What else is there? Do they have kittens??? That’s an important question...

The movie had A LOT of hamfisted comic relief. Of course there were some honestly funny scenes (I will forever laugh at Rey feeling the Force with her hand), but most of the jokes felt very out of place. For instance, the first scene, with Hux and Poe. I laughed my ass off at that interaction, but that’s an SNL sketch, not a Star Wars scene. I was half expecting Matt, the radar technician, to show up.

Seriously, someone should tell Rian Johnson that he isn’t directing Guardians of the Galaxy. In more than one scene, the excess of jokes killed what should’ve a truly great, emotional moment.

On a scale of 1 to 10, how much indifference do I feel towards porgs?

The ammount of queerbaiting that went into promoting this film was insane. Look, actors on franchises like this one have media training, so whenever, say, Oscar Isaac ran his mouth about the possibility of Finn/Poe being canon, he was at least authorized by Disney to do so (worst case scenario, he was instructed to sell this narrative). I didn’t particularly care about the ship and I think Poe Dameron could’ve died in TFA without any harm to the franchise, but to hamfist that non-sensical romance between Finn and Rose after feeding the fans’ hopes for a gay pairing was, in my opinion, downright cruel.

And don’t even get me started on Poe and Rey’s meaningful gaze at the end of the film, with Poe going all “I know” as if he’s Han Solo or some hot shit like that! Poe/Rey is the worst possible ship to become canon. Yes, the worst. Yes, you heard me, worse than Reylo.

Speaking of Reylo: after TFA, I said that I low-key shipped them ‘cause that’s the kind of fucked up ship I like. Look, there are people in this website who like to wear diapers and want to fuck Pennywise, so, screw you, I’m not apologizing for wanting to read fics about a fictional pairing made up of two adults. HOWEVER, this is not the sort of thing I want to be canon. From the get go, my opinion on Rey’s official love life has been “either she ends up with Finn or she ends up alone”. That being said, I think they handled the relationship between her and Kylo Ren very well in this film. I’m glad they didn’t deny the fucked up sexual tension that was going on there, especially coming from Ren’s side, and chose to play into it. A failed redemption arc fits them perfectly and Kylo Ren’s “please” when he asks Rey to rule beside him was a great moment for the character and one of the few truly emotional moments of the film.

But that thing were they get to hit on each other through the Force, sharing sad stories and touching hands? Yeah, I’m pretty certain I’ve read that fic. Actually, I’m pretty certain I’ve read about three fics like that.

Let’s keep on the Kylo Ren track for now, then: he did get some very nice character development in this film. The Last Jedi was more his than any other character’s, even Luke. For a minute there, before the movie came out, I thought they were going to make some changes to him due to the whole backlash, but they went full “overgrown angsty kid” with him in a way that actually made him more compelling. I like the way Luke’s fear ended up pushing a conflicted teenager into the Dark Side and that Kylo is still very much stuck at that moment. As usual with Sith and Sith by-products, Kylo Ren is moved by anger, and his anger feels much more real after this little bit of backstory.

Who is Snoke, though? Are they going to explain that in the next movie? It feels like they should’ve done it in this one, but I hope they at least give him some context before the trilogy is over.

Sooooo... Did your conflicted antagonist cladded in black, with black hair falling all over his face, just trick his bald, deformed Dark Lord by using his occlumency powers? *Owen Wilson voice* Wow.

“The Supreme Leader is dead. Long live the Supreme Leader.” - A perfect example of a really amazing moment botched by comic relief, ie, Snoke’s little tongue falling out of his dead body.

After the film ended, @robogigante​​ complained a lot about Hux’s transformation from an actual, threatening villan into a punchline, and, you know what? He’s right. There’s a scene there that looks like a Bugs Bunny cartoon.

On a scale of 1 to 10, how much do I hate evil, square-headed BB-8?

I’m sort of glad Rey’s parents aren’t anyone important. Star Wars relies too much on heritage and it’s a nice change having a hero who isn’t Space Jesus or Space Jesus’ direct lineage. Her scene in the cave was incredibly beautiful.

They did point to something else in TFA, though, implying heavily that her origin was important and that Kylo Ren already knew about her. That was some Moffat level of badly written plot twist right there.

There’s something Emma Watson-y about Daisy Ridley. This is neither a compliment nor a complaint, just something I hadn’t noticed before.

Both Daisy Ridley and Adam Driver grew a lot as actors since the last movie, especially Driver. Even though it’s still hard to take Kylo Ren seriously sometimes due to Driver’s cry-baby face, he’s way more convincing in his rage and intensity than he was in TFA, where his acting felt a little too mechanical.

However, some of the other actors aren’t living up to their potential. John Boyega’s charisma is extremely underused and I know for a fact that Domnhall Gleeson can do a lot better than what he was given here. In a couple of scenes, even Hamill and Fisher seemed a little uncomfortable in their roles.

“Shit, we’ve already signed Lupita’s check! Gotta shove her in here, somewhere!” - I’m so sorry, honey. You are so beautiful and talented... You deserved way better than that.

Kelly Marie Tran is adorable and I absolutely love her in interviews and such. She seems like a delightful person. However, her character was completely unnecessary. Her only purpose was to serve as a future love interest to Finn, and I’ve made my thoughts about that pairing quite clear already.

“...it’s saving the ones we love...” - BITCH, YOU’VE KNOWN HIM FOR WHAT? A DAY?

As a matter of fact, all of that storyline felt completely unnecessary. It was as if the writers didn’t know what to do with Finn so they gave him a spunky sidekick and a pointless mission just to kill time. I found myself wishing he had spent the whole movie in a coma, and that’s really sad, because I really like John Boyega and was hoping he would become a strong protagonist for the franchise.

Another thing @robogigante​ pointed out (and I’m quoting him ‘cause I know he’s not making a post of his own) is that Holdo had no reason whatsoever to hide her plan from Poe or anyone else in the Resistance. She just... didn’t like Poe Dameron that much...

Excessive jokes aside, casino planet was okay and helped flesh out the Star Wars universe a little bit more. However, much like Phasma, Benicio Del Toro’s character (whose name I already forgot) was just another Boba Fett, all flash and no substance, and I particularly hate that “squeaky clean abused little children representing hope” crap. It’s one of the tackiest tropes in existence.

I did get the feeling that that kid is going to join the Resistance on the next movie. Like they’re going to do a ten year jump to justify Leia’s disappearance/death. It would also help the Rebels to get their shit back together, Kylo Ren to gain more control over the First Order and Rey to learn some more about the Force in order to meet her fate. The existence of that child is still horrible and that ending was so over the top I can’t even put it into words, but it’s a good hook for a leap that, if handled well, could be very good for the story.

I also got the feeling that they originally inteded to kill one member of the original trio per film. That would’ve been cool. Too bad Leia will have to die off screen.

Was it just me or is the timeline in this movie really weird? Poe’s plan seems to take place entirely in a day, maybe two, while Rey apparently spends at least a week in Luke’s island.

I’m glad Carrie Fisher got to have at least one badass Force user scene before dying. Her flight among the debris of the Rebel cruiser was a beautiful reminder of how powerful the Force can be, on par with Luke’s astral projection, not to mention a gorgeous scene in its own right.

Holdo and Leia definitely had a torrid love affair after the Organa-Solo divorce came through. No one will ever convince me otherwise.

On a scale of 1 to 10, how much do I love the crystal foxes?

There was a preoccupying absence of wipe transitions and epic soundtrack inserts. Actually, I don’t even remember hearing any music at all. The editing was way too conservative. It didn’t even feel like a Star Wars movie, sometimes.

How is it possible that The Force Awakens was basically a remake of A New Hope and still felt more daring that The Last Jedi? Look, we already know you’re not killing any of the characters ‘cause they have to come back for the next installment, but raise those stakes a little bit, jeez! Give Kylo Ren and Snoke more conflict before their face-off, give Rey an opportunity to actually scare Luke with something that matters, give Finn and Poe a mission that actually means something to the Resistance, not a MacGuffin to keep them busy... Anything!

The Last Jedi is actually an okay-ish movie, to be honest, but, in a way, I think I disliked it even more than the prequels. Sure, The Phantom Menace is objectively a much worse film, but at least it had soul. George Lucas’ midichlorian and CGI packed soul, but soul nonetheless. The Last Jedi has nothing. I know Star Wars movies are all about the money, let’s not delude ourselves that this is in anyway high art, but this one just felt like the biggest money grabber of all. There is no personal investment in it whatsoever and no sign of what makes Star Wars Star Wars in the first place.

When’s Lando coming back?

BONUS: I am never watching a fucking 3D movie again in my life. The background always seems out of focus, it’s too expensive and I hate putting glasses on top of my glasses. I don’t care if I have to wait a month to watch the next Star Wars, I don’t care if I get spoilers, I’m not watching anything in 3D ever again.

[awed-frog]

I had some issues with the long promo too. So I'm curious to hear more about what you thought

Okay, here is basically what was going through my mind -

[under a cut because I try to keep this blog spoiler free, also I’m slightly bitter about most of it]

Oooooh the car, I’ve missed the car.

“Starting in the worst place they’ve ever started.” - Hey remember that time Dean thought Sam was dead and Cas didn’t give a fuck about him and also he’d stopped hunting and was suffering from PTSD so much he almost killed a kid? And mmmh remember that other time when Dean went to Hell and Sam was left hugging his brother’s mangled and bloody body? And when Dean thought Cas had died and also Sam was about to die as well? Yeah, me too. Fun times.

Honestly, I don’t get why they need to hype it up every year - we. don’t. want. the. hype. We want a decently thought-out plot and good writing and room for the characters to be themselves?

And now I’m thinking about that tumblr post, I’ll pay you $10 to let them talk to each other.

Yeah.

In S12 they were okay because ‘Mom was back’? Excuse you, do you even watch your own show? 

And I like how Crowley and Rowena are listed as allies, LOL YOU COULD HAVE DONE SOMETHING ABOUT THAT AND IT WOULD HAVE BEEN GREAT but guess what, too late now.

“A big part of last season was stripping all that away…” - Uh no, that’s exactly what my issue with last season was - let me reword it for you: “A big part of the last six minutes of the finale was stripping all that away”. Mary was not there to strip away because we barely saw her all season and there was maybe one significant exchange that was going on when everyone was awake, and as for Cas and Crowley - don’t get me started on that.

“A season that was about the family coming together…” - Okay, thanks for mentioning it - good to know that was your goal for S12, but (again) it didn’t really work for me.

“The only thing they have to rely on it’s each other” - Nope nope NOPE, I can’t even hear this bullshit anymore - they’ve got friends, you know? Friends who risk their damn lives for them - Jody almost freaking died because Sam asked her to - not to mention those other hunters who did die because Sam asked them to - the people at Asa’s funeral who were friendly and nice and wanted to get to know them better - Aaron and his bloody golem - Garth - why are you pushing this ‘You and me against the rest of the world narrative’ which is simply no longer true? Why?

Okay the golden eyes are cool but man I do not like Jack so far.

Oh God, why does Jack want to find Lucifer?

I have this theory US movies are obsessed with father/son relationships because of a subconscious guilt for kicking the British’ asses back in 17whatever. Like, every single movie is about that? And no European movie ever is about that?

“He’s not God, he’s not Cas, he’s not Simba, he’s the freaking Devil.” - I do not understand this list at all. Maybe it’ll make sense in context?

Okay, it’s interesting that Dabb would use the words ‘salvageable’ and ‘necessary’ about Sam’s interest in Jack, because once again, they’re trying to paint Sam as the rational one, Mr Head Choice, and we know Sam’s not really that? He’s such a complex character, and yet they never explore all those repressed feelings he’s carrying around, and part of the problem there is that they need him to be Cold and Collected to underscore how Gay and Grief-stricken Dean is, so that’s why they’re ruining his characterizazion, and that’s another way this #NoHomo policy is hurting the show. You hear people say we don’t care about Sam, but it’s precisely because I care about Sam too that I want these issues out in the open. The fact he mostly didn’t give a damn when Cas was in danger, for instance, was beyond annoying.

(Why are they in two different cells, by the way? Are sheriffs getting smarter? Good.)

So Jack starts out as naked - whose clohes is he wearing then? Because Sam’s would be about three sizes too big for him, but that ridiculous jacket is definitely not Dean’s. I’d probably pay for a scene where Sam and Dean squabble because Dean just give him a damn shirt already and No way I’m not giving my clothes to that asshole and Fine, do you want his naked butt on your precious seats and Dean gives up and throws his least favourite everything at Jack and Yeah, don’t bother saying thank you.

That church reminds me of the one in Westworld and now I’m hoping they’ll have more ‘homage episodes’ this year because the Tarantino thing was amazing.

So apparently we’re back to the nature vs nurture theme, I guess that’s - good? I’ve missed the Big Questions, so I’m here for that.

Look, when even Buckner says “Dean’s as low as we’ve ever seen him” - I give up.

Can’t wait to see Dean’s room properly, but if the cross is really gone - yeah.

Even though, I’m not even sure I like those clues anymore. Like, make it gay or stop it - why should I guess a character’s sexuality from his choice in interior decorating and beer brands?

That place where Cas’ body is looks like the cabin - I’m hoping the angels stole his body and that’s actually Kelly burning on the pyre, because I’m still convinced burning the only vessel that can actually hold Cas is a stupid move.

(Why did Jack not bring her back to life though?)

(Also, why did neither Sam or Dean ever bother to find out what happens to angels after death? Seemed kind of important?) 

So meanwhile it looks like Michael kidnapped Lucifer and Mary was found by some friend of Bobby’s?

“Emotionally it’s a very pure place for her to exist in” - Yeah the question now is - Dean hated that part of himself, but Mary - doesn’t? Which is one of the reasons I don’t like her very much.

Hey it’s Colonel Sanders!

This reminds me of Lucifer!Sam back in Endverse and now I’m nostalgic.

Not in a good way, though.

Okay, so I’m hoping they’ll have a very good explanation for why those Princes of Hell stayed out of the narrative for so long. Because that other one, he basically wanted to fish and read Hemingway or whatever, but this one? He wants to rule? So why didn’t he show up before?

(What accent is that, by the way?)

Wait, so Lucifer will come back in our world? My God, he’s basically a cockroach! Just. Kill. Him.

Okay, I liked Donatello. Let’s hope he doesn’t die.

Also, I could do with an episode consisting entirely of a side character like that and what the hell they do all day after their discovery that the supernatural world is real. Like, do you try to forget and go back to your day job? Or what? Was Dean playing Words with Friends with him too? Or did they just - forget he ever existed and hope for the best?

Yay for Jody! Yay for Michael!

Very curious to see what Missouri’s excuse is for keeping out of everyone’s lives for twelve years.

Probably riverboat gambling.

Wait, is she related to Rufus Turner?

If she is, it’s very implausible that it never came up at all.

*internal ranting*

Yay for Patience Turner, though.

(Also, why did they give so much screen time to Buckleming? Are they trying to make us hate them less? Or maybe everybody on this show is just oblivious.

No wait, Singer just said they pay attention to us. Uh.)

Nothing but love for the spinoff, but saying it ‘became increasingly obvious it was a world we wanted to epxlore more’ when they tried to force two other spinoffs down our throats first - smh.

Wait, what? The spinoff will explore “what happens when Sam and Dean Winchester aren’t on this plane of existence”? Because that makes it sound like a) this is the last season and b) it will end with the Winchesters either dead or trapped somewhere.

Which wold sort of suck.

Honestly, dafuq?

Plus, you know, it’s not like we need them out of the way to follow other hunters - presumably, they don’t take care of every single weird murder int the US, and also spend a lot of their time not calling anyone and never visiting, so.

I never watched Scoody-Doo so I have nothing to say about that, but I’m sure they can execute this well, whatever they’re planning.

So they’re going with autistic characteristics for Jack? I don’t know how I feel about that.

I mean, yay for representation, but also - this ‘not getting metaphorical language’ tends to be presented in media as something that comes from not having experience of the world, which infantilizes people on the autistic spectrum, which I’m not very excited about.

Also, autism is generally presented as a cool thing that’s about unintentional humour, utter disregard for other people’s feelings and high intelligence, and that makes characters so 2D that they’re basically walking tropes.

Good to see Claire couldn’t drink on their watch but this unknowable mass of power, energy and potentially pure Evil can have a beer, and never mind how dangerous it’d be if he got drunk. 

(But it’s okay because he’s a boy, maybe?)

Then again, I never understood this US thing about alcohol. If you want to, you should start drinking at home - a glass of wine or a beer with your family when you’re 15 or 16 - that normalizes alcohol and prevents the kind of binge drinking we see in the UK or the US.

(Look at me - an expert on everything. Some days I just stun myself.)

“Right now they’ve got nothing but each other…” - Stop. Saying. That.

“…but that’s the core of the show.” - This scares me. Like, a lot. Because, as we always say, I get there were both narrative and real life reasons for the show to be as it was - Sam and Dean and Dean and Sam - but surely the whole point is for them to escape that? They told us they want to, for God’s sake. Sam’s been trying to find a romantic partner since he was thirteen. Dean is bloody starved for affection and human touch. They hate doing everything themselves - they’re getting too old for that weight, that responsibility - and all of that is textual and canon. So if the core of the show continues to be the two of them, alone - well - we go towards the tragic finale here, because even if they survive, they won’t be happy with a situation like that. And after all they’ve been through, that’s just heartbreaking.

So, well, here you go. Hopes it answers your question? Sorry I can’t be more positive and coherent - I should actually be working rn, but yeah - this is basically how I feel about the whole thing.

[amwritingmeta]

Since Sam and Dean don't exist in au, Michael and Lucifer definitely skipped the true vessel bs then went to war with angels and demons in their true forms (angel blades sticking out of the ground proves it). That means au Cas is in his true form and Jimmy Novak is probably dead in a ditch somewhere. I hate the idea of Jack resurrecting Cas cause that'd be too easy and basically turns him into god. So when Misha comes back, how can they bring Cas back with him?

Nonny 1: i saw the ask in which the Anon is wondering if they would make Misha play AU Cas, but i don’t believe they would do that, in fact it really wouldn’t make a lick of sense, because Cas in that AU aint Cas, what made Cas the angel we know and love is that he was the one who pulled Dean out of hell, Dean who changed him and taught him free will, and in that AU dean was never born to begin with, so AU Cas would be just an angel.

Nonny 2: Hello! I was wondering about the possibilities and any possible theories on the bizzaro-Narnia AU-where-Dean-and-Sam were never born world. Do you think that it could be explored, or that we might see AU! Cas? Not as in an outright replacement, but maybe 1 or 2 episodes with him as a commander of a garrison of angels? You’re by far one of the most optimistic meta writers I’ve met and I really need some happy speculation to get me through hellatus. Sorry if you’ve covered this before. Thanks!

Hello, lovelies!

So, three wonderful asks that all have to do with this AU World that’s been so suddenly thrown into the mix. I’m glad I get to tackle this topic! Thanks fawert and Nonnies! (and forgive my reply taking sooo long!)

The basis for the following speculation is that I believe the narrative is closing as the writers are moving it towards endgame. Everything in S11-S12 is telling me this because S11 began the movement by forcing Dean Winchester to admit to himself that he is properly, truly, madly and deeply in love with Cas. Read more on my thoughts about this here.

In short:

Dean Winchester is our Protagonist

His character growth is what informs the narrative

He wouldn’t have been set on this particular path of character growth if he hadn’t met Cas

Dean’s growth is what is allowing him to let go of Sam, ending the brodependency, and granting him the insight to find his true self-worth, through self-acceptance

His self-acceptance has a whole lot to do with letting go of his toxic masculinity spiel

His letting go of this will be most clearly demonstrated by him fully embracing the fact that he’s in love with a man

Happiness with the man he loves is Dean’s reward for completing his character growth, reaching the internal goal of his character arc: which is self-acceptance

(yeah) (he knows)

Now, I don’t know that this is where they’re taking the narrative, okay? Let me be perfectly clear about that. No one knows exactly what they’re planning (except the fuckers themselves) and they might go absolutely crazy in order to drag the narrative out for six more seasons.

However - and this is a big however, you guys - the writers have consistently, and with extreme due diligence, built a slow-burning love story between Dean and Cas that is beginning to peak - that’s what S12 gave us - meaning that going absolutely crazy to drag this love story out will jar with everything that’s come before.

Let’s not forget that our story is about love, and sacrifice, and love.

Love is mentioned twice by Metatron because our story has always been foremost about love.

The love between the brothers and the love between Dean and Cas. Without all that love - no sacrifice. (or manpain) (oh the manpain)

The fact of the matter is that the love between the brothers was set up from season one to evolve beyond their brodependency, and it would never have done that if it hadn’t been for Cas affecting Dean’s character growth. 

I know I’ve said it before, but hell, let’s say it again: 

the Destiel love story is integral to the narrative because it informs Dean’s character arc. 

And Dean is our Protagonist. 

His character arc informs the entire narrative and every single secondary character arc within it. Including Sam’s. It’s true!

Here’s a very recent example that proves it:

Dean shooting off that grenade launcher, and tearing down that first symbolic wall in 12x22, is what set off the amazing steps away from the brodependency that both brothers had managed by the end of 12x23. 

Dean shooting off the grenade launcher:

a) injured Dean, which brought him tob) telling Sam to go lead the attack on the BMoL without him

I could meta about the symbolism here until my fingers go numb, but this is not the post for that, safe to say: Dean tearing down walls is what led to him letting go of parenting!Dean, finally seeing Sam as the adult he is and being able to place his full faith in his little brother’s ability to manage by himself, and to lead, without Dean there to watch over him or guide him.

Fuck. Yes.

But to surmise: it was Dean the Protagonist who had to let Sam go - Sam couldn’t break free from Dean on his own.

Because Dean is the one who, primarily, needs to learn the big lessons that the narrative have been setting up for him through his character arc.

So my point is:

if they hurt the Destiel love story 

this love story, which is the very cornerstone of Dean’s character growth

by turning the tables and stalling said love story by, oh, I don’t know

bringing Cas back, but as a different character 

a character that doesn’t actually know Dean or have the shared history with him that our Cas does

->then they hurt the entire narrative they have built

And I cannot for the life of me believe that they would ever do that.

Not after nine years of carefully keeping this love story burning, removing a few coals now and again so that it wouldn’t flame up and singe the more delicate viewers, but still allowing it enough air to spread a lovely, warm glow, and (okay, enough of that now) (fine)

But you get my meaning here? Let’s boil my meaning down even further:

AU!Cas would effectively kill the love story

which would severely damage the overall narrative

would rob Dean and, by extension, Cas of their endgame rewards

which would cancel out the deeper purpose for all of Dean and Cas’ character growth

And so the mere thought makes absolutely no sense anywhere at all.

There will absolutely NOT be an AU!Cas to replace our Cas.

And I could slap Misha Collins for even hinting at the possibility of it, because he must know that all he’s doing is setting the speculation ball careening through the fandom. And it’s sadistic. (you are a sadist Misha Collins)

(see???)

fawert: I’ve already told you in a different post how much I loved your observations regarding the probable rules and circumstances of the AU World - eye-opening and I’m bound to agree with you because it looks the most plausible and, also, it’s gorgeous! And feeds my brain with all types of scenarios for Mary trying to survive that dystopian, war ridden place. *crackle*

Now, as for how they can bring Cas back, I’m speculating on what so many have already pointed to and speculated about (props to those who mentioned this first, I don’t know exactly who you are, sorry):

Spec 1 - Jack’s grace still lingering in Cas and reviving him

Though I sincerely don’t know how likely this is, I still feel the writers left themselves a loophole, because that grace can clearly perform fucking miracles and it was so obviously shown to us in 12x23 that Cas still possessed some of it, even if he couldn’t use it to ice Lucifer.

There should be a reason for it planted as a visual when he heals Dean. That visual didn’t need to be there: Cas tells Dean in dialogue that he can’t use the nephilim’s power anymore because killing Dagon took both him and Jack, so why the visual? If the lingering nephilim grace is useless anyway, why have Cas use it in order to heal Dean at all? Why not have Cas simply use his own powers, as he has all season? Hmmmmmm. *brow in deep creases*

So I strongly speculate that what we have been shown is to set up that Castiel the angel of the Lord is dead. Him dying an angel death for the first time ever was not for nothing. Dean’s angel is truly gone, and should be mourned.

But also because of this angel death, and thanks to the lingering nephilim grace, Cas is about to finally get the full human experience. *crossing fingers*

Spec 2 - Jack reviving Cas

Personally, I don’t think this is likely. I was convinced Kelly would survive the birth, that Jack would end up healing her or saving her rather than killing her, and her “I love you” right before Jack bright-light shone his way into the world makes me feel slightly vindicated. Because Kelly is the Good Mother who loved her son and willingly sacrificed her life to ensure he was born with all of his powers.

So, to my mind, baby Nephi was Good.

But Jack, in the form he is in now, leaving smouldering footprints on the floor, scaring the bejesus out of Sam: this Jack is most likely not going to simply touch Cas and bring him back to life. 

Firstly (and to me, most importantly): because Jack reviving Cas immediately and somehow brainwashing or controlling him or convincing him to stay as his Protector cancels out Cas’ dramatic death, and the effect it should have on our Protagonist. 

Cas died to further Dean’s character growth (and ultimately his own as well, of course) but if Jack revives Cas now, there’s no growth to be had for Dean.

We have seen Dean bereaved of Cas: Dean drinking himself into a near year long stupor

We have seen Dean pine for and wait for Cas: he kept Cas’ coat in the boot of his many, many different cars, expecting his return

We have seen Dean fight for Cas: he spent a year in Purgatory, keeping himself alive with the one aim to bring Cas home

We have yet to see Dean Winchester grieve for Cas without getting stuck in one of the 5 stages (and yes, everyone grieves differently, but for the sake of my argument, I’m assigning Dean the need to move through all 5 stages)

We have never seen him truly, deeply believing there is no hope for Cas to ever come back to him and accept this as a fact that is entirely out of his power of control.

For us to watch him, for the first time, go through each of the 5 Stages of Grief, he is first going to have to bury Cas’ body, put it in the ground, and yes, deny, bargain, get angry, get depressed over Cas’ death - he needs to go through all of this - but once he reaches acceptance for the first time in his entire character arc, then I would love it if this is the moment Cas is revived and finds his way back to the brothers. I would absolutely fall to pieces with happiness.

Especially if it’s human!Cas who’s finding his way back. I mean, just imagine the possibilities for character growth, for the joint love story to evolve and deepen into something undeniable.

It would do such wonders for both Dean and Cas’ character arcs if Cas came back as a human and came back early in the season, so that we get to watch him do all that character growth, finding his place, finally, in himself, and through it, with the brothers, within the world at large and, ultimately, taking up the space next to Dean in the Impala. 

(Because Sam will be MoLing)

Secondly: because Jack reviving Cas immediately and somehow brainwashing or controlling him or convincing him to stay as his Protector only works if Jack indeed chose Cas as his Protector, but, to my mind, based on how I read the narrative of 12x19 and baby Nephi being good, Jack didn’t chose Cas: baby Nephi chose Cas.

The nephilim’s angelic side chose Cas.

Jack, as I see it, is the Opposite of the nephilim’s angelic side, and so I would put forward the possibility that this Newborn Jack will not feel tied to Cas in any way.

Newborn Jack could, absolutely, be the spitting image of Daddy Devil. Newborn Jack could be the Corruptor and Deceiver, and I believe this is the whole point for the Opposites, shown to us in how baby Nephi was presented through the 12x19 narrative rejecting Evil at every turn, and how we are presented to Newborn Jack through Sam finding him, smiling, in the corner of the darkened nursery.

(first impressions will hopefully not last)

Now, here’s what I’d like, because my brain *crackles* with the dramatic conflict:

Rather than Newborn Jack darting off - which is one of the possibilities at the back of my head - I think they’ll choose to keep Newborn Jack with the brothers, keep his actual intentions ambiguous, and leave us wondering whether he’s an angel or a demon or a little bit of both, but mostly demon, it seems, or is he actually good? Hmmmmm? We just won’t be able to properly tell.

I can see them playing with a Dexter sense of danger around Newborn Jack, where he’s observing them all like they’re lab rats, but where, ultimately, their behaviour and TFW placing true faith in him making the right choices will lead to him connecting with his inherent Humanity.

Spec 3 - Regarding the bizzaro-Narnia AU-where-Dean-and-Sam were never born world

(Would love for this to be the official fandom denomination, btw - let’s throw it in the hat!)

Do I believe they’ll explore this world?

Yes: if the question is with regards to Mary being trapped in it.

They may choose to build it as part of Mary’s self-acceptance arc, where she gets to see what the world would be like without her boys and what her choices actually did for the world. Namely: save the hell out of it. It could be poignant that Luci is stuck over there as well, but more for the plot than his character arc, I should think. He’ll come back all threatening and badass, I’m sure.

No: if the question is regarding expanding the SPN Universe to now include this other dimension, and possibly more of them, spinning the series into a time-traveling multidimensional party cracker of narrative possibility that will last for years and years to come.

No.

I sincerely doubt it.

Because of the aforementioned reasons of Dean as our Protagonist and his character arc and growth and endgame and building the narrative around this for twelve years. (more or less for twelve years) (I know Sam started out as the Protagonist) (though I would like to call bullshit on this for reasons) (whatever)

Spec 4 - Do I believe the bizarro-Narnia AU-where-Dean-and-Sam were never born world will affect the SPN reality we’ve come to know and love?

Possibly.

I can see something slipping through the cracks. Or Mary and Lucifer both returning with new information and it becomes a race to outwit the other, find the key to the universe first (or is that what Jack is supposed to be) or something crazy and huge like that.

But I am of the impression that the AU World is nothing more than a plot device, used to show us - the audience - what our world would be if it weren’t for the Winchesters.

As the narrative has entered the final act, as they are tying it up, looping it back to the beginning with callback after callback, this underlining of how all the misery, and heartbreak, and manpain that the brothers Winchester have been put through, has all been worth it makes perfect sense, and underpins the validity of the narrative as a whole. Which I like.

I truly can’t see the AU World serving any further purpose than that of the pure plot device that was Purgatory, which the writers cleverly used to show us exactly how much Cas means to Dean, and vice versa, and to grant Cas the chance to repent, so that he’d be able to believably move on from the severe error in judgment he was guilty of when he let the Leviathan into the world. This time it’s Mary’s turn to repent and to forgive herself, which goes nicely with her and Cas paralleling each other’s arcs for all of S12.

Spec 5 - Will we see an AU!Cas in any shape or form?

Possibly through Mary, yes, but I sincerely doubt they’d bring AU!Cas into the middle of the heartbreak that will be grieving!Dean. I mean, they could. They might very well do that. But it’d be fucked up. And I agree with both fawert and our other Nonny who pointed out that Castiel would, most likely, not even be possessing Jimmy Novak anymore. (aka Misha Collins) (…the sadist) 

So what would be the point of bringing Castiel the angel of the Lord into the mix?

Castiel in our reality is dead. He has died. 

We need to feel his death with Dean. 

We want to feel it with him, not be distracted by some Cas wannabe stomping onto the scene, taking up our Cas’ vacant space. No, thank you. Right?

I think the writers will want to torment us (they are sadists along with Misha the sadist Collins) (all writers are) (yours truly included) (so, you know, stones thrown at glass and all that) Anyway, they won’t just revive Cas within minutes or even within the first episode. I believe he’ll be put in the ground. Or, to be honest, I would like for him to be put in the ground. Obviously they won’t burn him.

So, to point to the most important sentence on offer in this post:

There will not be an AU!Cas to replace our Cas.

Ever.

(also Misha Collins is a sadist)

[insecure-hbo-recaps]

hella questions

Previously on Insecure: A bunch of bad dates, missing Lawrence, trifling Lawrence, failed "get my ex back" party, Molly is way underpaid. And two minutes of ex sex.

"Y'all fucked?" is the incredulity that welcomes us to the second episode of the season. I can't decide if I love or hate that Issa has one of those old school ugly wooden entertainment center things that I'm sure we ALL had growing up.

Issa is also wearing a hoodie with Harriet Tubman on it... though I can't figure out what the two pictures on her wall are. Molly wants to know who initiated the sex and whether they've spoken since. They aren't really in any better place, and Molly doesn't find this encouraging. Issa is grasping at straws. Molly asks whether it was a getting back together fuck or a "fuck you" fuck. Hmmm. As someone who recently had sex with her ex that she's still in love with... it was definitely neither lol. It was... well, actually, it was a “I put up this picture of me kissing another dude as my facebook profile pic so that everyone could stop feeling sorry for me for being single, but you think I moved on and am dating someone else and don't love your trifling ass anymore and you got the nerve to have a jealous streak" kind of a fuck. This fool asked me like four times "so what's new with you?" As if I would tell if it WAS true, lol. Anyway, the sex between Lawrence and Issa would fall in a similar category - dudes being in their insecure ass feelings but STILL not trying to give you the respect you deserve.

Issa calls the sex "nebulous." Nebulous: unclear, vague, or ill defined. Molly is wary of drawing any conclusions based on this murky outcome, but Issa brightly tries to convince herself the sex means something good. Idk, girl. I don't feel like that. I'm not even going to delude myself that way.

Lawrence is in the gym, because in case you haven't noticed, he ain't a capn crunch eating white socks scrub no more. He starts to text Issa that he made things weird and didn't plan for it to happen, but thinks better of it and deletes it.

Meanwhile, Molly did stick with her therapist and is at a second session. Far from how close mouthed she had been before, she is ranting energetically about her stronger work ethic and going above and beyond but still being underpaid. Honestly, this is why I just solve this issue by half assing everything at work. I'm never going above and beyond. I will ALWAYS be a solid 3/4 at annual performance review time. Fuck your five star review. This job don't give a fuck about me and I don't give a fuck about y'all. And when the pay stops being enough, my resume makes it easy for me to bounce and renegotiate a new salary. But Molly is not interested in conceding defeat and can't understand why she can't figure out a way to get into the all boy's club. The therapist points out that Molly is "shoulding" all over herself. And if you watch this show, you've seen Sex and the City, so we don't need to break down the logistics of this.

The therapist tries to tell Molly she's living in the reality she thinks she should have, not the one she does have. Molly, naturally, doesn't understand what she's saying. The therapist tells her that there are certain standards levied at black women - and let's take the time to point out the difference here... in the past, the standards of a black woman were to singlehandedly manage a household and all of its financial and functional needs, put yourself aside and be a supporting force for everyone else in your life, and maybe you might find a man but how can you expect that, and you shouldn't, because it's too hard, and well, if you can't find one, maybe nice Willie the janitor will be there for you and don't be thinking bout no law degree. That shit ain't the move no more. These days the perfect standards of being a black woman are all about getting your 2013 self titled album Beyonce on - fulfilled in yourself and your life choices and not subscribing to any ideology that says you can't be enough or what you have to offer isn't valuable... with a slice of "even if no one else can see my value, I know it far exceeds that of many of those around me." Later for settling. Later for accepting scraps. But now that opens the door to a battle that's twice as hard, choosing to except the ways in which you are exceptional, in a world that is not willing to agree with you purely because... you are a black woman.

The therapist asks Molly if she would be open to a life that doesn't look like the one she thinks she "should" have. Molly isn't ready to grapple with that idea, and demurs on scheduling the next session. See what I'm saying? Bitches afraid to look at themselves.

Gallery opening. Which, again, is a little too close to Sex and the City for me, but I don't know what y'all be doing in California or New York. Gallery openings ain't a thing in Chicago. The four of them are talking about Issa's party. Tiffany is being annoyingly bougie as usual, Kelli is only mildly extra. I don't... I don't know what to say about these outfits.

I fully respect everything Insecure is doing. But I'd be a damn lie if I said... it was very... right, I suppose. It wouldn't be the route I'd take if it were my show, I guess is what I'd say. They are trying to decide plans for the weekend but Issa doesn't want to go out clubbing - she thinks sleeping with Lawrene means a reunion is imminent so she can't really be going out anymore. Tiffany decides to empathize and shares that her gay husband lived in a hotel for basically half a year while they were going through something. "The point is, even perfect couples have problems," Tiffany says, and I'm not looking forward to the season where they try to humanize Tiffany by showing she hides behind all this "perfect" bullshit to cover up the fact that she is miserably depressed and hates herself. I accidentally paused at a moment that captures this sentiment:

Issa thinks she just needs to give Lawrence time to forgive her; he can't just walk away from five years like that. Every single time I've thought I offered something so incredibly unique to a man he'd be stupid to walk away from it, I was patently, 100% wrong. Kelli points out that for 2 of those years his bum ass mooched off on her couch and Issa should move on. Issa wants to work it out. But... really? Why would Issa want to still be with Lawrence? She wasn't happy with him, that's why she cheated in the first place. And I'm not buying that she saw the error of her ways and truly wants the life they had together in the end. More like being single is shit, especially when you've had someone as your counterpart for a significant chunk of time, and rather than adjusting to something new it's easier and more comfortable to want back what you had.

Kelli lets it slip that Lawrence is with someone knew, which Tiffany was also aware of. They know who she is and everything, but Issa claims she doesn't want to know. In the two seconds it takes to decry that claim, Molly finds Tasha's instagram profile. Tiffany offers some friendly shit-talking ("why does she only speak in emojis?") and Kelli says she looks like a stripper. Issa pretends like she doesn't want to know who she is.

Gallery bathroom. While Issa is doing her "go high or go low?" mirror freestyle, I am just mesmerized by her crown-mimicking braidout. Like. I wouldn't wear it because I couldn't pull it off, but it is fascinating on her. She decides going the high road is overrated, and when Molly comes to check on her, Issa snaps, "pull that bitch up!" The soundtrack that kicks in at that moment - bass heavy intoning "fuck that nigga" - pulls all of us back on the thrones we sometimes forget but need always to occupy.

The next day. For reasons that are unclear, Issa stops by Chad's apartment looking for Lawrence. Chad remarks on her glow up approvingly, which Issa awkwardly plays off. They have awkward small tight for a bit before Issa asks for Lawrence. Chad doesn't want to say where he really is, and if I had the skills/patience to make gifs, I'd insert one here now of the coy way he then slups on the straw of his beet juice. As it is, Issa concedes defeat and decides to leave.

It turns out Lawrence is at Tasha's, watching Defamation. I know that's not the name of their in-series show, but I can't be bothered to find out what it was, so I'm just going to call it the same as DWP's. Tasha is into it while Lawrence is aloof, and the thing that makes *me* most uncomfortable about Tasha - as stated, I do not buy into the thotty because she is traditional narrative - is her liking Real Housewives-y television and occupying that "black women in Atlanta" sort of social space. I do fully approve of her around the way girl oversized gold hoops.

Lawrence says he has things on his mind and Tasha, again refreshingly casually, asks whether he wants to talk about it. She gets a text from her mom, informing her about a family barbecue. She takes a moment and hints about whether or not Lawrence would like to come. Rather than pretend to be oblivious, Lawrence actually makes a noise like he acknowledges this time that he knows this would mean something, and Tasha, sensing his hesitation, immediately walks the invitation back. Lawrence decides to just drop that he slept with his ex. He tries to explain why it happens and says he just wants to be honest, and doesn't know what it means. Hmm. I don't know at this point in their relationship how big a deal this should be, so Tasha's measured response of "I think you need to go" is about level and appropriate. Oh MAYNE, she got that black glass and gold accented vanity mirror that I'm sure was a pattern we ALL had in our moms' bedrooms at some point.

Dunes. Issa is getting ready for bed, trying to resist looking up Tasha. Of course she isn't able to manage it, and pulls up Tasha's instagram.

Law firm. Molly rolls up on the front desk lady and they exchange pleasantries and niceties. Molly wants to know about a hockey game the bosses are going to. She is planning to shoot her shot and try to ingratiate herself into the "boy's club." "I'm scared of you," the front desk lady says neutrally, grinning and turning back to her computer.

Issa's boring after school job. The principle is prejudiced against latinos, Frieda doesn't like it, Issa is tone deaf. Blah blah blah.

So how do we feel about Chad's suit? Apparently he had to wait outside for Lawrence to express his disbelief that Lawrence told Tasha about Issa. Uh, how did he find out about that? lol. Lawrence says he couldn't lie about it because he's "not dirty like that." Chad, and all of us:

Seriously, what's up with Lawrence? He is delusional about his capacity for being a good dude. Which, to be perfectly frank with you, is not very surprising to me for a guy who could mooch off his girlfriend for two years and then be totally blindsided with her being dissatisfied and unhappy in the relationship. Lawrence can't believe he slept with Issa, thinking he was once step out the door away. Chad is overall not surprised that Lawrence went back to being a "John Legend ass nigga."

Apparently they are going to check out a new apartment for Lawrence. Why does Chad need to be there for that? Chad mentions that Issa came by looking for him, acknowledging her glow up: "did she always look like that?"

The broker is a black woman in an off white pantsuit. You know how sometimes you'll be watching white tv and you never see any black people until you need a bus driver or a maid or a nurse or some other menial service person? Insecure does this in reverse where most of the roles of businesspeople in the community are held by black women, which is truer to life. Anyway, she's Patty from ABG. The apartment seems to have disturbingly pale sea green walls which I would not be happy with. I'd feel like my entire apartment is a bloody bathroom from a scary movie. That's the exact same shade of sea foam green blue.

They like the apartment. It's pretty big. I know nothing about Los Angeles real estate but I assume it's extremely expensive. Lawrence is hesitant to commit, possibly because he wants an invite back to the Dunes. Who knows, the scene doesn't elaborate.

High School. Frieda is mad about Principal Gaines not caring about the latino students. She calls it a "racist joke" he made. Issa doesn't care, and Frieda's Clueless White Person rambling doesn't help. They arrive to the after school program to find it full of students. Gaines hooked them up with kids. Issa is thrilled but Frieda is concerned about the lack of latino students.

Molly is riding an escalator somewhere. Where ya going, Molly? Ooooh... eeeee... she's making the bold but fairly ill considered decision to try to rub elbows with the boys club in the box seats for a hockey game.

I don't begrudge Molly attempting to shoot her shot, but there have got to be more... shall we say organic ways for her to attempt it. We look like assholes popping up in entirely the wrong context like this. Now I'm having a flashback to an ill advised friendship with an overweight white woman who, time would reveal, primarily wanted to use me to get an in into black spaces where she could meet black men. But never fear, her black female friends were just as corny and thirsty: her black counterpart was this overweight chick who went out of her way to assure all of us how much she loved hockey and when she talked about basketball she made sure to only talk about the two or three white players on our home team. The thirst was real and it went in both directions, and that is tonight's anecdote on why I make very little effort to make female friends as an adult.

Back at the Dunes, Issa cannot resist the allure of her phone, holding the secrets as it does to Tasha's insta. Of course she eventually caves and we are treated to this snap filtered gem:

Doing the most. But followed up by this:

Loving the wig. Issa throws the phone down pretending she doesn't care, going back to her book.

Back at the hockey game, Molly's attempts to bond with middle aged white men is typically embarrassing. They're drinking shitty beer, Stella Artois as far as I can tell? Molly takes a moment then decides to shoot her shot, socially approaching her boss. He's wearing a ridiculous suit. They make small talk about lobster rolls, but Molly misses the timbre of the humor and her "women are clueless about sports" bit doesn't quite land. Which I'm going to go ahead and chalk up to a racial barrier because let's just admit it. It's not believable to pretend a black woman gives a fuck about hockey. I have sat around with white dudes and tried to watch hockey games. That shit is boring. They score once every fifteen minutes. Let us submit a blanket moratorium on black women appeasing whites by pretending to like hockey.

The next morning at work, Molly tries to maintain cordial commentary with her boss but it's awkward and they both wish it had never happened. She walks away from the break room while her boss and a random white man look awkwardly after her before going back to their conversation.

Hey. Don't you fucking hate that we have to do this shit?

Chad's. Lawrence is on his air mattress, looking pensive. Dune's. Issa is on her mac still stalking. She has progressed to facebook. Then she swaps to Twitter. Then she swaps to the LinkedIn. I have amazing internet stalking skills. I once found posts from a message board someone posted on anonymously in high school. I knew an ex of mine had gotten married like six months after I dumped him and I wanted to know who the wife was - that took licensed private investigator levels of digging because he had zero online footprint and a super generic name. I once found someone's professional license, which listed their contact number, saved the number to my phone, and used it to find their instagram page. Fuck with me dog. No one has shit on my internet stalking game. I'm not crazy just nosy as fuck.

Letsmovealong... Tasha's social media is meant, I'm thinking, to paint her as slightly basic. She has Beyonce quotes in the Beyonce font, she's wearing an uncomfortable suit in her linkedin pic. She takes pics eating jalepeno poppers in ecstasy. And, to be fair, I think that's the characterization we are meant to take away from Tasha. She isn't quirky like Issa. She's just "regular black." And I know that's a thing that people have had negative reactions to, so I don't mind telling you I aggressively defend "regular black." I live on the northside of my city, which is white neighborhoods. Every man I date has no less than a college degree and often a graduate or professional degree, as, having one myself, this only makes sense for finding someone with compatible values. So my ability to occupy a quirky, upwardly mobile black space must take responsibility for blackness as a whole, in the sense that it would be shameful for me to shun "regular blackness." Whenever I'm wearing curly 30 inch remy in my sew in and I meet randoms who ALWAYS ask me whether I'm latina I make SURE to put them in their place. Asking me whether I'm mixed. That's not a compliment, y'all. Don't be on the okcupids and the tinders talking about you're "other" race. I used to block men on sight with bedebees talking about some "Mixed race, other." Don't side with the oppressors. Don't shun regular blackness. (I have seen many, many black people do this, both male and female, and it is incredibly disheartening and disappointing. It's not just men. Women do it too. All of y'all need to stop.)

Issa realizes that Tasha works at the bank Lawrence goes to. So the next morning she takes it upon herself to take a visit, taking note of the Best Buy right next door. Issa goes inside and gets in Tasha's line. "I'd like to make a deposit," she says, and then cold-cocks Tasha. This, of course, is yet another fantasy.

But in real life, Molly is having a cup of espresso on some campus somewhere. Lawrence spots her and decides he's not petty enough to not say hi. I'm loving the linen denim blue button up, less endeared by the flat hipster leather backpack, but I don't mind the attempt. They hug with Molly surprised to see him - she was there for some meeting or other. Lawrence says it's "Meridian" which I know as a health insurer, but probably means something different as it's where he works. Molly's wear a midi dress and heels which... I remember those cut out shoulder cut out things from a time far far in the past, guys.

They make small talk about Lawrence's new job and how they're both "good." Lawrence makes to walk away but Molly, steeling herself, calls him back. She wants to talk about Issa, who she tells him is "still torn up." "And?" Lawrence says, rudely. Yeah, Lawrence has no concept of the fact that their relationship was garbage. Maybe it wasn't always, but where they were when we met them, their relationship was trash.

Molly champions Issa and asks whether he hates her. He says he doesn't, so Molly asks if he'd ever take her back. We don't get to see Lawrence's response as we swap to Issa in her car. She's still outside of the bank when Tasha walks past, talking to a friend. Issa drops the recline on her seat all the way back to hide. Molly calls at this moment, walking away from her conversation with Lawrence and carrying a fabulous pale tan attache case. She makes it clear to us that she was only there as a plant, to run into Lawrence so she could ask him about Issa. This is the new age adult version of the secret three way call.

Issa asks what Lawrence said about her. Molly apologizes, and breaks the bad news that Lawrence says he's done. He ended up taking the new apartment, so he's not coming back. Issa digests this in silence. Molly offers to come by but Issa tells her she's fine. She reclines in her car a bit longer into an annoying security guard comes by and tells her she can't sleep there.

Nighttime. Molly's still at work, skyping with Hannah, the lawyer who recently transferred to the Chicago office. They're both working late. My ambitions and skillset and also personal passions would seem to dictate that I should have been a lawyer. But even when I was much younger and just starting to think about what I wanted my life to look like, I never wanted to give more of a fuck about work than anything else in my life. Like, this being at the office at nighttime shit? No thank you. ....I kinda regret that now. You know? Maybe in the go-go 90s I took the trope of the serious businesswoman who doesn't have time for a man and a life and a family too seriously. I don't know.

Molly makes professional good with Hannah, offering to help with her workload - and this is kind of what I mean - in kind of like "I'm a workhorse, use me." Hannah is touched by the offer, and agrees to throw some work Molly's way, perhaps recognizing the ploy Molly is extending. So that one, at least, went over well.

Somewhere in LA. While Molly's in her office, Lawrence has stopped by Tasha's house. She comes out to meet him where he is waiting by his car. She's wearing ripped jeans and very clunky sneakers. When Lawrence says hi, she regards him coldly. He launches into an apology, telling Tasha she didn't deserve that. Tasha, still playing "cool girl" who doesn't make a big deal about the fucked up shit you're dealing, plays understanding, that she gets why he was still messing with his ex. She knows their relationship wasn't exclusive.

She's giving him an out. But Lawrence muddies this by saying his thing with Issa was over. Tasha tried to let him keep things casual, but his response signals that casual behavior isn't ok while they are seeing each other. Recognizing this, Tasha makes an excuse for why she has to go back inside.

But, at the last minute she just can't help it, and caves, asking him whether or not he wants to come in for dinner. Lawrence, who was walking away, stops and takes her up on it. Damnit, Tasha. You almost made it.

Dunes. Issa, in her hairscarf and tshirt again (this has been a dry week for Issa right?) is putting away her laundry. She is suddenly annoyed about hanging all of her clothes on one side of the closet. Lawrence's shit is gone. She angrily shelves her shit on the opposite side, and, in bed, pulls her pillow in the middle, grappling with the reality that Lawrence is really not coming back.

Swiper more swiping helps blunt some of the pain as Issa pulls up Tinder again, trying, still trying.

[splendidlyimperfect]

Gray hasn’t seen Natsu in years - not since he moved away with his boyfriend Joel and Natsu stopped texting him. A chance run-in at a bar brings Natsu back into Gray’s life, but the encounter puts Gray in danger when Joel finds out. Natsu quickly realizes that Gray’s stuck in a cycle of violence, and wants to help him escape. But leaving isn’t that easy, and sometimes loving someone might not be enough.

Chapter Summary: Gray has nowhere to stay while Joel's in jail, so Sting offers up his place. Gray realizes they have something in common.

Chapters (16/22):  1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 Rating: Mature Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Relationships: Natsu Dragneel/Gray Fullbuster, Gray Fullbuster/Original Male Character(s) Tags: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Abuse, Abusive Relationships, Rape/Non-con Elements, Rape Aftermath, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Natsu just wants to help, but Gray feels like he can’t leave, Non-Linear Narrative, Trans Character, Tumblr: FTLGBTales, ftlgbtpride2019, Coming Out, First Love, Angst with a Happy Ending, I promise

**TW for discussion of abuse/child abuse

-----

somebody hurt you

com· pas· sion | \ kəm-ˈpa-shən noun : sympathetic consciousness of others' distress, together with a desire to alleviate it

.

xv october .

Gray doesn’t leave the hospital until almost two in the morning.

When Doris finally leads Gray back out to the front of the emergency room, Sting is still there, but he’s dressed in jeans and a hoodie instead of his uniform. When he sees Gray, he stands up and approaches them cautiously.  

“Hey, how’re you feeling?” he asks, glancing down at Gray’s bandaged hand. He looks like he wants to reach out to Gray, but he doesn’t.  

Gray’s so tired that all he can do is shrug. Doris says something to Sting but Gray’s not listening – his mind is too busy. The panic and terror from earlier are dulled by the drugs, but he still can’t stop thinking.  

Joel protected me. Joel hurt me. I should tell them. I have to stay. He can get better. He’s never going to change. He’ll hurt Bella. Sting can help me. I don’t have anything. I can start over. I can ask for help. I’m fine.  

“Gray? You with me?” Gray blinks, looking up at Sting’s concerned face. “I tried to get your wallet, but they won’t let me take personal effects out of lockup,” Sting says gently. “Do you have your keys?” Gray shakes his head, staring at the floor. “Do you have somebody you can stay with? The nurse said you shouldn’t be alone after a concussion.”  

A part of Gray’s mind thinks, I could call Natsu, but the rest of him shuts that down immediately. He shakes his head again.  

“Would you feel okay staying with me overnight?” Sting asks. “As a friend,” he adds quickly, “not as a cop. I’m off duty now, and I’ve got a guest bedroom. Rogue is asleep, but he won’t mind.”

Gray looks down at the floor again. He doesn’t want to make Joel angry, but he’s so fucking tired and has nowhere else to go, so he nods.  

“Okay,” Sting says, and Gray can hear the relief in his voice as he gestures toward the parking lot. “C’mon, you need to get some sleep.”

Continue reading on AO3

The first part of the drive back to Sting’s place is quiet – the only sound is the barely-audible radio and the squeak of the windshield wipers. Gray leans his head against the window and watches the raindrops fall in the intermittent light of the streetlamps.  

He’s so, so tired.  

“You hungry?” Sting asks after a while. Gray shakes his head – he is, but he doesn’t want to owe Sting anything else. “You mind if I stop for something? I haven’t eaten since I started work.”  

When Sting sets the fries he gets in the console between them, Gray sees through the ruse. He doesn't fall for it.  

“I’ve only been a cop for a few years,” Sting says after a while. Gray glances over at him, but Sting keeps his eyes on the road. “My dad was one, and I always wanted to be just like him.”  

Gray’s not sure what the point of this story is, but it’s better than the silence, so he nods and keeps listening.  

“He wasn’t a very good cop, though,” Sting says, and his voice gets quiet and a little uncertain. “Sometimes... law enforcement attracts people who want power, and control. And those people are assholes at work and outside of it. He was one of those people.”  

Gray suddenly sees exactly where this is going.  

“I loved my dad so, so much,” Sting continues. The rain is coming down harder now, and he turns up the wipers. “My mom died when I was little and I was an only child, so he was all I had. And I wanted so badly to believe he loved me as much as I loved him.”  

Tears start to press at the back of Gray’s eyes, and he bites the inside of his cheek until it hurts.  

“Lots of people tried to help me,” Sting says as he slows down for a red light. He keeps his eyes on the road, carefully avoiding looking at Gray. “Teachers, my friends’ parents. I loved my dad, though, and I didn’t want him to get in trouble, so I told them all that nothing was wrong. I thought... he could change. It wasn’t all the time. When he wasn’t mad, he was amazing – so all I had to do was not make him angry.”  

Sting goes silent again, and Gray can’t keep it in anymore. He’s so fucking tired of crying.  

“One day, it got really bad.” Sting’s voice is thick now, like he’s trying to hold back his own tears. “He was high, and he got angry – I don’t even remember what I did to piss him off, I was only eleven – and our neighbor called the police. I was terrified because all the cops were dad’s friends, and I didn't think they'd believe me, but... I mean, it was bad. He broke my arm, I ended up with thirty-six stitches, and it’s hard to play that off as an accident, y’know? And one of the cops, her name was Kelly, she stayed with me the whole time. Helped me feel safe.”  

Gray’s chest aches, and he covers his mouth to keep in a sob. The tears keep coming and coming, and he presses himself against the door of the car, trying to breathe.  

“I just... I know how hard it is,” Sting says after a minute. “I know what it’s like to love someone so much that you want them to be the best thing for you, even when they aren’t. And I know you don’t want help right now, and that’s okay, just... none of it’s your fault.” Gray hiccups through the tears and he just wants to stop fucking  feeling  this. “Nobody should be hurting you, no matter what, and if you ever do decide you want help, there are people who will believe you, and who will be there for you.”  

Gray’s mind turns to Natsu. Natsu, with sad, desperate eyes as Gray walked away from him. Natsu kissing Gray in the alley behind the bar, touching him gently, being kind. Natsu answering the phone and talking about his day, letting Gray pretend that nothing’s wrong.  

And then Joel. Joel saying he loves Gray with hard, demanding eyes. Joel getting angry, Joel apologizing, Joel kissing Gray sweetly, Joel pushing Gray into the bed when Gray wants to say ‘no.’  

It’s too much.  

“I...” Gray’s voice breaks and he shakes his head. “I d-don't... I can’t...”  

“I know.” Sting’s voice is so, so gentle. “It’s been a long night.”  

The car slows to a stop as Sting pulls into a driveway – Gray hadn’t even noticed that they were in a residential area. Sting turns off the car and sighs before getting out, then moving around to Gray’s side and opening his door.  

“C’mon,” Sting says, helping Gray out as Gray wipes at his face with his sleeve. Gray wobbles unsteadily – everything hurts, even with the painkillers. Sting offers his arm and Gray stares at it for a moment before letting himself lean on it.    

When they get inside, Sting leads Gray to the guest bedroom, quietly pointing out the washroom and grabbing an extra blanket from the closet. Gray sits down heavily on the bed, and seconds later there’s a soft  mrowl   as a kitten jumps up next to him.  

Gray stares at it and it meows at him again, staring at him with wide, blue eyes.  

“That’s Frosch,” Sting says as Gray reaches out hesitantly and runs his finger over the kitten’s head. Frosch immediately climbs up into his lap and rubs herself against him, purring happily. “You’re not allergic, are you?”  

Gray shakes his head. The deep, weary ache in his chest feels a tiny bit lighter as a tiny, wet nose against his hand is followed by soft, silky fur.  

“She might try to sleep with you,” Sting says, sitting down close to Gray but leaving a space between them. “Lector – her brother – is probably on my pillow right now, but you might see him at some point too.”  

Frosch gives Gray another loud, high-pitched meow, then stands up on her hind legs, placing her paws on his chest. Gray strokes her head carefully, then looks over at Sting.  

“Thank you,” he whispers. Sting smiles at him, and Gray’s thankful that there’s no pity on his face.  

“Anytime,” Sting says. His hand hovers between them and he looks uncertain. “Do you... want a hug? Or – sorry, that’s stupid, I know we don’t really know each other very well.”

Gray knows he should say no, but it’s been so long since someone touched him in a way that doesn’t hurt. He nods slowly, and Sting leans in and wraps his arm around Gray despite the embarrassed flush now dusting his cheeks. Gray sighs and relaxes into the embrace, and a warm sense of relief floods through him as Frosch turns in circles on his lap and then settles herself there, warm and purring.  

“I don’t know what to do,” he says quietly, before he can change his mind. Sting sighs, pulling back from the embrace but keeping his hand on Gray’s arm.  

“I know,” he says. “I know how hard it is to leave. It’s okay if you’re not ready.”  

Gray rubs his face. His hand’s starting to ache, and he’s so tired, but the idea of sleeping in this bed alone in a house he doesn’t know is terrifying.  

"You okay?” Sting asks, squeezing his elbow gently. Gray wants to say  I’m fine, I don’t need your help  because that’s what he’s always done, but Joel’s not here and everything hurts and he’s scared.  

He shakes his head.  

“You wanna come watch something stupid on TV with me?” Sting asks. “I’ve got some microwave popcorn and a bag of Twizzlers I’ve been hiding from Rogue.”

Sting turns on some reality show about baking that Gray’s never heard of, but Gray doesn’t really pay attention to it. The couch is soft and Frosch is warm on his lap, and with Sting sitting beside him, it doesn’t take long for Gray to fall asleep.  

-----

When Gray wakes up the next morning, everything hurts. He groans, blinking a few times and moving to sit up before he realizes that something is sitting on him.  

It’s Frosch. She’s fast asleep with her tail curled around her, and she’s purring so loud that she’s vibrating on Gray’s chest. Gray carefully runs his finger over her head and behind her ears. The purring intensifies, and she gives his hand a tiny headbutt before settling back into sleep.  

Gray sighs, relaxing into the pillow underneath him. He’s still on the couch, but there’s a blanket draped over his legs, and a glass of water and a bottle of painkillers sitting on the table next to him.  

Gray looks down at his bandaged hand, and everything comes back to him in a blurry rush. He squeezes his eyes shut again, rubbing his face with his uninjured hand and pushing away the memories.  

Gray’s good at not thinking about things.  

After a few more minutes, he nudges Frosch off of him, and she squeaks at him in protest before sauntering off to the kitchen. He sits up slowly, gratefully grabbing the painkillers and washing two of them down with the water. His head is pounding, his wrist aches, and the rest of him is bruised and uncomfortable.  

“Good morning.”

Gray looks up to see Rogue standing in the doorway to the kitchen, wearing a pair of cat-themed pajama pants and a hoodie that says Ryerson Tech.  His hair is piled on his head in a messy bun, and he looks down fondly as Frosch meows at him and rubs herself against his legs.  

“Hey,” Gray says, voice rough. “Thanks for letting me stay.” His cheeks feel hot and he looks back down at the floor.  

“Of course,” Rogue says, leaning down and scooping up Frosch. “Would you like a coffee? Sting’s still asleep, but I’m making pancakes.”

Gray suddenly realizes how hungry he is, and he nods, pushing himself up from the couch and following Rogue into the kitchen. Rogue’s quiet as he gets the coffee ready, and Gray takes the opportunity to look around. The kitchen is small but brightly decorated, and the fridge is covered with photographs.  

Gray’s eyes widen when he sees one of Rogue and Sting at the pride parade, kissing in front of an arch of colorful balloons. Rogue's got a rainbow button pinned to his tank top, and Sting’s shirt is pink and blue and white. The trans pride flag.  

Oh.  

Gray sits still for a minute, letting the revelation settle into his sleepy, confused brain. When Rogue sets a cup of coffee down in front of Gray, he tracks Gray’s gaze to the photo and smiles.  

There are footsteps on the stairs, and Sting appears in the kitchen doorway, yawning as he runs his fingers through his messy hair. A fat, orange tabby saunters in after him.  

“Hey, you,” Rogue says, reaching over and pulling Sting in for a kiss.  

“Mmf.” Sting yawns, then turns to Gray and waves. “You guys are up way too early. ‘s ridiculous.”  

“It’s already nine,” Rogue says, rolling his eyes and turning back to the stove. “You’re the ridiculous one.”  

Sting grumbles half-heartedly and slumps down on the stool next to Gray, pillowing his head on his arms. “You sleep okay?” he asks, tipping his head up to look at Gray.  

Gray doesn’t answer right away. He’s too busy searching Sting’s face, trying to see what he missed before.  

Sting’s like him.  

Sting frowns at him, then glances over at the fridge and his eyes widen in realization. “Ah,” he says. “Yeah. Sorry, it, uh, never came up?”  

“No, no, I, uh...” Gray can feel heat rising to his cheeks. “Me too.”  

Sting’s uncertain expression quickly turns to a smile, and he nudges Gray with his knee. “Really?” Gray nods, looking down at his coffee. “I never would have guessed.”  

“You either,” Gray says, cheeks pink. “I, uh... I don’t know anyone else? Like me.” He hesitates, then corrects himself. “Like us.”  

“Well, now you do,” Sting says, reaching out slowly and squeezing Gray’s knee when he doesn’t pull away.  

A comfortable silence hangs between them, interrupted when Rogue sets a plate of pancakes on the counter. Gray’s stomach growls, and he’s pretty sure nothing has ever looked so appetizing.  

“Gods, I love you,” Sting says.    

“You love pancakes,” Rogue corrects, grabbing a couple of plates from the cupboard and handing one to Gray. “I did burn a couple, sorry about that.”  

Sting scoffs, grabbing three pancakes and piling them on his plate. Then he leans over and kisses Rogue’s cheek. “I’d eat your burnt pancakes any day, darling.”  

[shirtlesssammy]

There’s Something About Mary: The Rage Recap

I hate to be all girly, but you’re going to get something different from Boris’s part of the recap this week. We here at Shirtless Sammy like to stay positive. We love our show, but when absolute bullshit happens on our screens, I can’t sit back and just think happy thoughts. Salt Mine Ahead! Find our regular full recap below the cut.

Eileen

I hate to be all girly, but the cold open gives us Eileen dying at the hands of Ketch and some hellhounds.

She didn’t get to say anything.

Her disability was highlighted as a weakness that helped in her death.

Her death didn’t serve the plot. She was just a device to make Sam feel bad. Guess what show? He already has enough pain and guilt on his conscience. Eileen is a more fully formed character than just something for Sam and Dean to feel bad over.

They purposely brought her back this year to remind the audience of a fan favorite character, knowing full well they were bringing her back to kill her. That’s not shocking, or interesting.

Did they give her a hunter’s funeral? At least we got to see Kevin’s and Charlie’s funerals.

I don’t know about anyone else, but having this be the “throw-away” cold open completely threw me off for the rest of the episode. I couldn’t engage. This was supposed to be Mary’s episode but I needed (and still need) time to process this horrible, pointless loss. At least I can say that I thanked Robbie Thompson in person for the gift of Eileen before this shitshow happened.

Sam and Dean

I hate to be all girly, but they locate the last motel their mother was staying at, only to find it empty.

Dean checks the fucking bathroom. Like, is that supposed to be funny? Is that supposed to be the meta of the episode? Ha, ha, remember two seasons ago to the exact episode when we brutally and pointlessly killed Charlie?

I hate to be all girly, but Dean talks with Ketch and they put it together that he’s lying to them.

No shit. They already know this.

The boys get the news about Eileen. “Why did she leave Ireland?”

Yes, Dean asks the important question. Plot contrivance, that’s why. Jared did a wonderful job with the limited time he had to show Sam’s pain and frustration (but really, Sam you gotta open up, man!)

I hate to be all girly, but the boys then check their mail and find a letter from Eileen. She had to send them snail mail because she thought her phone and computer were hacked. The boys sweep their home for bugs. And when they find them, they set up a meeting with the BMoL.

I’m pretty sure an experienced hunter would know that she has free access to a public library all the time. Before Sam’s wifi implant, they were using library computers.

I hate to be all girly, but the boys were pretty badass in the bunker.

Mary was once again paralleled with season 8 Cas, only this time love did not break the connection.

Crowley and Lucifer

I hate to be all girly, but Crowley and Luci are at odds. Crowley wants to find Kelly and the nephilim before Luci does.

Crowley is working with the BMoL? He knows Dr. Hess? HE LOANED KETCH A HELLHOUND? WTF, show?

Are we attached to Crowley because of Mark Sheppard? Does Crowley serve a purpose? Is he evil? This reminds me again of season 8 when he killed Sarah Blake. I haven’t really forgiven him for that. Does he have a redemption arc? Or are they just using this quasi-evil character to fit the role he needs to fit in any given episode? Just a couple episodes ago he was helping the Winchesters with a rogue hellhound. Why would Crowley want to work with an organization that ultimately wants to wipe him and all his minions off the map?

Castiel is the “Winchesters’ love slave”? What does that even mean. Way to work in dubious sexual innuendo into even passing conversation points.

Lucifer: Yawn. But seriously, wtf happened with his vessel? I thought it was warded down to the cellular level.

How are Crowley’s actions 10 steps ahead of Lucifer? Are we supposed to be worried that Luci actually killed Crowley? He didn’t spark out and the damn rat was obvious.

Why can Lucifer tell that Crowley is in his Fergus MacLeod meat suit but can’t tell that he’s vacated the premises for a nearby rat? He’s an angel, he should be able to see Crowley’s true form.

And since I’m extra salty: That Luci CGI shit at the end looked weird.

Mary

I hate to be all girly, but Mary is getting mind-fucked by Toni Bevell and the BMoL. She’s being conditioned, much like Cas was in season 8, to kill.

Toni does give Mary some truths though, which was interesting. Someone had to tell Mary that her life, and the lives of her children were never perfect. They actually called what John did to Sam and Dean “child abuse.” Look at me being positive.

BMoL

I hate to be all girly, but they’re evil. Like we didn’t already know.

Stop with the obsession with sex-everything. Why is Dr. Hess even mentioning Ketch’s sex life? Why would Dean joke about dating Toni? Why does Toni egg the brothers on about Ketch/Mary?

You’re seriously going to leave the Winchesters alive? And no matter how hard you try, Toni will never get a redemption arc with the fans. She is not welcome.

Creative Integrity vs. Fan Service

At what point does a show owe its audience more than it owes the creative purpose of their product? Supernatural has been on the air, and continues to be on the air, because of its small but passionate fan base. It’s long past adhering to creative integrity. They’re making it up as they go. Throwing in senseless murders of beloved characters doesn’t add to the narrative. It just enrages the very people that make the show possible. Killing Eileen doesn’t make us hate the BMoL more. We ALREADY HATE THEM. Her death just makes us angry at the showrunners. It just makes us lose faith in the story.

Next week’s preview

I hate to be all girly, but LEAVE JODY THE FUCK ALONE.

And now we cut to our regularly scheduled recap...

THEN

We believed in beauty, once.

NOW

Cas is in the wind and the Men of Letters are jerks.

Eileen runs through the woods, pursued by something unseen. The viewer hears hellhounds growling and then we see her viciously mauled. Killed. Ketch blows a dog whistle and calls the hellhound to attention.

Well. You know how we feel about this scene.

Sam and Dean open up Mary’s abandoned hotel room, checking around for signs of Mary - or at least her body, let’s be honest, since Dean checks in the shower. (And we die a little more.) She’s nowhere to be found (in her admittedly swanky forest-themed hotel room). Dean calls Ketch who insists that he hasn’t seen Mary in a week. Huh, super strange since Mary left a message from the MoL compound just a few days ago.

Sam gets a call from Jody. She fills him in on the news of Eileen’s death - mauled by terrible writing a wild animal. It’s the second hunter death in the last couple of weeks. Sam floats the idea that maybe their mom is dead.

Sam mourns over Eileen’s body in the morgue and they piece together the problem: seven hunters have died recently, Mick’s off the grid, their mom is missing…

Cut to Crowley chewing out a demon over Kelly Kline’s disappearance. He’s upset at the lack of progress and reiterates everything we know about the nephilim for those who haven’t been watching, I guess?

Change scenes. Rick, a hunter, gets home and sorts through his mail. He chucks his machete in the umbrella bin by the door, as one does. Look out! There’s someone in your house! Oh, it’s just Mary chilling out in an armchair. She’s caught a case. Maybe they can work it together. And then Mary attacks, gets the upper hand, and slices his throat.

Mary wakes in the BMoL high tech prison. Toni Bevell strolls in and smarmily taunts her about Mary’s “vision” of killing Rick. Mary suffers flashbacks of torture and brainwashing. “You’re being realigned,” Toni tells her. She’s being shifted from her vision of herself as noble hunter. Toni talks to her about how she let Azazel in, how John went crazy over revenge and neglected his boys. “It’s no wonder they’re...damaged.” Mary shrinks at this barrage but is devastated when she sees a stitched up cut in her hand, obtained from the Rick attack. Nooooo it was real! (Maybe. Probably.)

Elsewhere in Moonbase Professor Umbridge Dr. Hess and Crowley catch up. Crowley asks her if their arrangement in England extends to America. He gave Ketch the hellhound.

Down at Crowley’s palace, a minion x-rays (sigh) Lucifer. They still can’t undo the wardings. Crowley saunters into Lucifer’s prison and taunts him, asking for information on the whereabouts of Lucifer’s little baby. He reveals to Luci that Dagon is dead and that all Crowley wants to do is raise the little nephilim into his own evil stooge. Yeah. That worked so great with Amara, Crowley. (eyeroll)

Toni bounces into the Moonbase meeting room and announces her great success with Mary’s brainwashing to Ketch and Dr. Hess. Hess pits Ketch and Toni against each other for leadership of the BMoL.

Dean heads out of the post office and brings out a letter from Eileen. “I hate to be all girly,” Sam reads, “but can I bunk with you guys for a few days until I sort this out?” (REALLY. You think Eileen would say something like that? As though being a girl is a bad thing? Fuck you. FUCK YOU)

Anyway, this revelation is enough to convince the Winchesters that they, too, are being bugged.

Dean at last finds the bug right next to the table gun. Sam and Dean crouch next to the library table and make up a quick exchange about hunter Terry Marsh, who will meet them at It's a Trap O'Clock in Look Out City.

Back with Lucifer, he's getting frustrated with the demon's ability to kill the cursework keeping him prisoner. However, the demon assures him that the control is leaching from Crowley to Lucifer, so Lucifer will soon be able to control and kill Crowley. (Sorry, what now? This is just so...handwavy and utterly out of the blue.)

Toni and Ketch hang out next to their caged hell hound and dance around each other wanting the head American Men of Letters job. Ketch strolls off to go see Mary. “I didn't think you'd come,” Mary tells him. She thinks she's losing her mind and knows that she has killed friends under their control. She tries to connect with Ketch who is...trying to show he has a heart? I don't even know. Weeping, she embraces him, grabs his gun, and then tries to shoot herself.

God, I hate seeing Mary like this. Crying, pleading for help...trying to kill herself? This season has been great about breaking the myth of Mary down, but this sudden storyline of actually mentally breaking her is no bueno. She’s being robbed of her agency which, like her or not, was what made her a special character.

Ketch promises that she's soon going to be totally brainwashed just like him, don't worry. Are we supposed to be feeling sorry for Ketch because I have, like, a negative amount of sympathy for him.

The boys head out to their trap meeting where a contingent of Men of Letters assassins, plus Toni awaits. The Winchesters lock the stooges in the abandoned warehouse and capture Toni.

Back in Crowley’s palace, Crowley chats with Lucifer. Lucifer displays his new puppeteer prowess, causing Crowley to copy his physical movements. There are goofy faces, jumping on one foot… It’s slapstick humor at its most...eh. What must Mark Sheppard have thought when reading the script? Sorry, I’m supposed to do what now?

Toni sits in the back seat of the Impala being a general dick and confirming to the Winchesters that a bunch of hunters and Mick are dead. She taunts them about Mary’s full buy-in to the BMoL. The great Men of Letters plan is revealed.

Lucifer busts out of his chains and throws Crowley around. Crowley smokes out into a rat to escape.

The Winchesters get Toni back to the bunker where they're ambushed by several BMoL, including Ketch. A (somewhat badass) shootout ensues. Mary comes in and threatens to shoot Sam and Dean. Twirling his moustache, Ketch tells them he's locking the Winchesters and Toni into the bunker, turning off their water and air, and killing them slowly. Which...sigh...clearly buys our guys some time but is incredibly dumb and seems totally OOC for Arthur “I’ll shoot you in the back of the head” Ketch.

Mary and Ketch drive away from the bunker. Mary's feeling really great. Nice and brainwashed. (Though her eyes seemed flickery. Maybe she’s just faking it? Sigh. I don’t know.)

Lucifer emerges into the wide world.

Natasha: I’m upset about Eileen. Like, unreasonably upset given real-life events currently unfolding (brain on fire gif). She was a great character - strong, motivated, well-adjusted (for the show), capable of brutality, but with a lovely gentleness to her as well. When Charlie died I wasn’t as deep in the fandom as I am now. I paid zero attention to the writers, very little attention to guest stars, and generally was along for the ride. Charlie’s death shook me but I always chalked it up to the cost of watching a bloody show. I’d heard people complain about Buckleming episodes but I’d mostly shrugged it off. Prior to this episode there was a lot of joking online about quitting the show should Eileen die. And I have to say, after this episode, I get it. I can understand the motivation to just walk away with the friends you’ve got from fandom and move on. I hope that the last two episodes won’t make my eyes bleed with rage. I hope that showrunners realize killing Eileen was a huge mistake and bring her back. This IS Supernatural after all, where any character can come back. (There’s still time for you to bring Charlie back too, folks. The show ain’t over yet.) Obviously I ship Sam and Eileen but I would seriously just be happy knowing her character is out in the broader Supernatural world kicking ass on her own and making her own legacy. Make. It. Happen.

My faith is shaken.

These Quotes Are Relevant to My Feelings

Such a dick.

I wanna punch something in the face.

Rule of thumb. If you think we killed people then we probably did.