#nah genuinely though my new crew is absolutely lovely. but I’m also doing the same amount of manual labour as the chefs and ooft. my back

[ortanthaig]

only thing I missed abt working is how good laying down feels when I get home

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #388

“i wanna stay inside all day  /  i want the world to go away  /  i want blood, guts, and chocolate cake  /  i wanna be a real fake”

Name three people who you'll never forget: I doubt I'd forget Jason even if, God forbid, I had dementia. That's trauma for ya. I HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHLY doubt I could EVER forget my mom, either. In many different ways, she's literally kept me alive and has done so, so much for me. Then there's also Sara, whose friendship with me matches no one else I've been friends with. Have you ever been told you are fake? No. What was the name of the last pet of yours that died? Teddy, my dog. Do you like pineapple? I do. When was the last time you wished the day would just get over with? I know this sounds seriously depressing, but that's... pretty much every day. My life is just currently such a drag that being awake bores me senseless. But it's funny, because then some nights I stay up late for like... no reason. My existence alone is confusing. Is there any specific number that has any significance to you? No. Do you remember much from high school? I remember a lot from high school. Where would you go for the ultimate honeymoon? Isn't there a black sand beach in Iceland or something? Take me there, man. I'd also love to go to the Bahamas, but ew humidity and also I'm afraid of the Bermuda Triangle lmfao. If you had to get a tattoo tomorrow, what would you get? The big piece I want to get on my left upper arm; it's called "Denialism" by NukeRooster on deviantART. I got her permission forever ago to get it tattooed. Do you have any alarms set? What time and what for? Not currently. Have you ever had to work while there was a film crew at your work place? No. Have you ever supported anyone’s Kickstarter? If so, what was it? No. What do you like in your omelet? Ham pieces and cheese. Have you ever boycotted something? Yes: Chick-fil-A. Homophobic, transphobic pieces of shit aren't getting my business. Has anyone ever borrowed something from you, and not returned it? Yes. Most notably a video game I LOOOOVED as a kid. I was mad salty and still am lmao. Do you vent a lot on social media? God no, not anymore after embarrassing the everliving FUCK out of myself with a suicide note. What was your first bill you started paying on your own? I don't pay any bills bc unemployed. .-. Do you watch ASMR videos? No. What is your favorite charitable cause to donate to or volunteer for? The Trevor Project. Have you ever received a misdiagnosis? Yes. A psychiatrist I had in middle school thought I had ADHD, which was ABSOLUTELY ludicrous. Most recently, my long-time bipolar 2 diagnosis has been questioned, but I do think I have it. I think. Does it bother you when others don’t share the same religious beliefs as you? No? Freedom of religion is a thing. What was your last argument about? Ummmm... I don't remember. Probably something with Mom. Have you found your first gray hairs yet? No. Somehow. You'd think all the stress would have me pure gray by now, lol. What are the names of all the pets you’ve had? Dude, I've had WAY too many for this. What’s the most you’ve ever spent on a cosmetic or skincare product? *shrug* Who was the last person that invited you to go somewhere? Did you accept? Mom invited me to come with her to Nicole's to get out of the house because at the time our A/C was still out. I didn't want to go, even though damn did I suffer, haha. What was the last food item that you toasted, other than bread? That's... a great question. I don't know if I toast anything other than bread. Have you ever named any of your pets after a cartoon character? I remember I had a cat named Taz when I was younger. What was the last thing that someone else recommended, or suggested you try? My TMS doctor is like SUPER friendly and makes the treatment go by so fast (it's exactly 22 minutes and 30 seconds; don't ask why), and recently she was fangirling to Mom and me about the show Once Upon a Time, haha. I saw very little of it with Jason, but Mom did check it out. When was the last time you wore a hat? What kind? I have zero idea. When was the last time you ate a bowl of ice-cream? What flavour? Oh wow, it's been a long time. It was probably vanilla with chocolate syrup? If you menstruate, has your cycle ever synced with anyone close to you? Yes. Tell me something positive about the town or city that you live in. ... You said "positive," right? Did your parents have high expectations for you to excel in school and go to college/university? Yes. They were pretty serious about going to college when my sisters and I were younger, but they opened up to the concept that maybe it wasn't for all of us (coughmecough). Are you a polite person? I genuinely think I am. I definitely try to be. Have you ever been in a relationship where everything with your partner felt natural and effortless? Sigh. Yeah. Have you ever been in a relationship where everything was difficult and rocky? No. That's not the kind I'd stay in very long at all. I mean yes, there are always bumps, but there comes a point where you gotta say fuck nah and find something better. When you were a teenager, did your parents set rules about dating? Other than keeping age gaps in mind, no. Have you ever committed a crime that directly harmed another person? No. Did you grow up in an urban, suburban, or rural area? My childhood home was suburban, but leaned towards rural. We were on the very edge of the town. Which disease do you personally think is the most horrible? After seeing my mother suffer from borderline stage 4 ovarian cancer, I've gotta say cancer. My mother is the strongest person I know and yet she cried so frequently from chemotherapy. It broke my fucking heart. The person I copied the survey from mentioned especially childhood cancers, and I have to agree. Like just... why. "Everything happens for a reason." Bull. Fucking. Shit. Just TRY and convince me why a young child has to deal with CANCER. Do you remember where you first drove to after getting your license? I still don't have my license, as I've said in many a survey before. What did you get into trouble for the most when you were a kid? Being on the computer too much. What is your biological sex? Female. Do you use online dating? Or do you use another method for finding dates? Nah. I'm at the point in my life where I wanna let love just find me and not actively search for it. What is the oldest gaming console you own? We MIGHT still have our old Atari? If not, it'd be a GameBoy Advance. Which accents can you emulate pretty well? Just British. Do you think you'll ever manage to do everything you want to? No. But then again, I think that sounds pretty realistic? I doubt most people check off everything on their bucket list. What do you fear most? Probably becoming truly homeless, living on the streets. Do you wear shoes around the house? No. Are you a good driver? If you can't drive yet, do you think you'll be good? I mean, I'm not the worst in the world. My mom's always pointed out though that I ride on the brakes (which I do out of fear) and I tend to speed up and slow down quite a bit. I also stop kinda abruptly sometimes. What is/was your favorite thing about school? Seeing friends. What are you most likely to spend money on? My own personal money, tattoos, lol. Have you ever been a complete fangirl/fanboy over anything? @_@ Do you hate how, when the public like a celebrity, they overpublicize them? I feel bad for them, more than anything. You breathe wrong and suddenly it's news-worthy. It's like your every inconsequential action is under heavy surveillance and judgment, and it seems so unfair. Have you ever became attracted to someone you weren’t at first because their personality made you find them physically attractive? That was Jason for me. I never thought he was ugly, but regardless, he became THE most attractive man in the world to me. Have you ever worked in retail? Yes. -_- Are you even a little bit racist? Nah man, it's 2021, baby. Were you more fond of swings, monkey bars, or seesaws as a child? I was all about the swings. Do you believe in a near-future apocalyptic event? I don't know or care, honestly. A gamma ray or whatever they're called could incinerate us all tomorrow. A black hole could swallow the earth in an hour. We don't know. Do you have a chandelier in your home? No. Do you have a bar with stools? No. Is your Christmas tree faux or real? If faux, what color? We use a fake green one. Do you eat the crusts of your bread? Yes; it's the first part I eat. Which body type would you say you had? Did you know whales can survive on land? :^) Have you ever flown a kite? Yeah! I used to LOVE doing that with Dad as a kid when the field across our house wasn't in use (tobacco was grown there). What’s your preferred flavour of jam? I just like grape. What kind of animal did you last pet? My cat! Name a celebrity that you admire that nobody would expect you to: I massively admire Jeffree Star's work ethic. Do you prefer to shave or wax? Shave. I used to wax my eyebrows, but now I just don't care. Would you ever have sex in a public place? Uh, no. Do you think Jenna Marbles’ videos are funny? I've actually never watched her. Your favourite pasta dish: Just your normal spaghetti with meatballs. Strangest thing you’ve ever seen? Probably what I'm assuming was a star (but it was green???) flickering and then fizzling out of the sky kind of like some sort of backwards firework. I'd been watching it literally grow over a few nights, so when this happened, it was a big "?????? the fuck??????". It honestly scared me for some reason so I went inside after that. Aliens? I say aliens. Ever had a crush on somebody of the same sex? Yes. Has anybody ever called you a bastard? I don't think so. Who is the last person you ignored? uhhhhhhh Would you wear feathers in your hair? So actually, for my first prom, I wanted to wear a blue jay feather I had in my hair, reason being Jason's nickname from his parents was always "J Bird." It ended up not working out because we couldn't make it look natural with what we had. When was the last time you were well and truly scared? Hm. Favourite member of your favourite band: Ozzy, obviously, haha. Who’s your favourite female rapper? I don't have one.

[let-it-show]

New Year, Same Love

Anna and crew come to see Elsa to celebrate the start of a new year and there is wine. And emotions. It is mostly a light-hearted piece but I can’t help myself it seems! A little bit of Kristanna, and some up-to-the-reader Elsanna, which seems to be my style lol.

They tried to warn her. They really, really did. 'Pace yourself' and 'remember this isn't what you're used to' had been said several times. Elsa didn't think there was anything to worry about. She healed faster as a spirit; she had more strength, endurance, all of that. Being something that wasn't quite human had really worked out for her in that regard. She didn't even get cold!

It was that manner of thinking that convinced her that she didn't need to take it so easy on the celebratory wine the Northuldra produced for the end of the year and the start of a new cycle. What could happen? She wasn't too much of a lightweight normally, unlike Anna who practically just needed to sniff a bottle to be on her ass.

Anna, who definitely should not have attempted to keep up with her sister.

Elsa hadn't made it to Arendelle to ring in the new year and as queen, Anna HAD to be there. Both of them had hated it and the way she heard it, Anna barely maintained her composure. The new year was a time for them to be together and to not be was pretty depressing and angering.

So when Anna showed up the day after the new year had begun, they hugged, vented, and Elsa dragged her to the roaring fire where some others were gathered. Everyone had waited for Anna to be there before getting into special food and drink. Although, it wasn't just Anna. As soon as Ryder saw Kristoff he had lit up and gone to greet his new best pal, and the two were almost immediately discussing Sven.

Elsa had one dainty ice glass of wine. So did Anna. So did Kristoff. Olaf was immediately directed to where all the children were.

Elsa had another equally dainty ice glass of wine. So did Anna. So did Kristoff.

Elsa was pouring her third and Anna was already giggling about...something. They'd been chatting, but she lost track. Anna had linked arms with both Kristoff and Elsa and her face was red and bright.

"Think you better slow down," Kristoff commented to her but there was a big smile on his face. "Think I better slow down, you've seen me after a little too much."

"Yea you try to graze!" Anna blurted without even trying to stop herself and Kristoff muttered while burying his face in one hand.

"I bench press the reindeer, that's what you are supposed to tell people, I bench press the reindeer!"

"You two," Elsa said, but laughed and shook her head. She felt much better with the added company. She liked Ryder, Honeymaren and everyone else, but having her family there couldn't be beat. She missed them all and tugged Anna closer.

"Ooohh you better watch out Elsa's stealing me, oooh..." Anna giggled, snorted, and giggled some more. She held up her empty glass. "More!"

"When isn't she stealing you?" Kristoff answered, and then reached for their particular group bottle. Elsa held out her hand. "Nope. Nope nope. Anna you need to stop for a moment." Elsa tilted her glass at her and spilled a third of it. "Oh..." She looked at it, her head spinning a little. Maybe she needed to pause. Everything was funny and kind of warm and good, so she wanted to embrace it. She set her glass down on the snowy ground and threw both her arms around Anna. With one hand empty now, what else was she supposed to do? The answer to all of her questions was always the same: Anna. Talk to Anna, hug Anna, think about Anna. In her drunken state, it didn't occur to her to question that, though she never did anyway.

How could she think? Anna giggled and leaned into her more. Her energy was just as drunk as the rest of her and it sent tingles up and down Elsa's spine with how erratic it was. The normal comfort was there underneath.

Kristoff unlinked his arm from Anna's and allowed himself more wine at least. His nose was red and eyes bright. Sven nosed him and he laughed, truly enjoying himself. It made Elsa happy. "Kristoff..." she said, but realized she had absolutely no idea where she was going with it so she just stopped and stared. She wanted to express that she felt his joy, too, but she wasn't quite sure how to say that.

He looked at her. "Huh? I can have more, right?"

Before Elsa could respond, Anna did. "Only if you pour me more honey! I will also finish Elsa's," she said, trying to reach for it.

"What? You will not," Elsa said and waved her hand to slide it gently out of Anna's reach. The glass absolutely flew into the fire and exploded with a harsh crackle. "Ah..."

"Is that a no? I'm really confused," Kristoff asked her with genuine concern in his eyes. Anna was tilting off the little bench they were on because she had completely dissolved into laughter. Only Elsa was keeping her sitting up.

Elsa stared at where her glass had been. "Um, yea have whatever you want," she said distractedly. Boy, she really had to focus. She hadn't lost control of her powers in a very long time, and just that little action, messing up moving her glass, had hit an anxious spot in her. It was so minor and it wasn't as if she had concentrated to begin with. But she'd have to be more careful.

Kristoff was pouring himself more as Ryder sloppily approached, grabbing Kristoff's shoulders so hard he nearly spilled what he was pouring. "Kristooooofff!" he managed.

"Ryder? Buddy, you uh..." Kristoff looked over his shoulder to where Ryder wobbled in place, grabbing one of Sven's antlers to right himself. "You alright?"

"Are YOU?" Ryder asked, and then, trying to mimic Kristoff's voice for Sven, he leaned closer to the reindeer, "Kristoff is doing just fine! I've had more to drink to him." His voice was slurring and Sven cast a worried look his way.

Anna was reduced to nothing but hiccups.

Elsa may have too, but she was still annoyed at herself. Her mind kept reassuring her the thing with the glass was small. No big deal. She wasn't going to drunkenly ice Anna or make a snowstorm, right? She could control herself, right?

She stared at fire, still.

And she must have been staring for a while because suddenly she felt a warm breath on her ear. It might have been calming had it not been followed by an especially loud hiccup. "Elsaaaaaaa," Anna whispered, and then smushed her nose against her cheek. "You're quiet Elsaaaa, are you okay?"

"Hmm-mmm?" Elsa felt like she suddenly pieced herself back together, whatever had been luring her out of her own head was gone. She was back in the moment listening to Kristoff and Ryder taking turns doing Sven's voice and Anna was draped against her. "Oh, yes. I'm okay."

"Liar." Anna hiccuped again after the word. "I'm not too drunk for...I know you."

"Mmm.." Had her arms not been occupied with Anna, she would have crossed them over her chest, something she hadn't done in a long time. "When I moved the glass, I didn't mean to fling it into the fire. I don't want to lose any control just because of a little wine. I-"

"You won't hurt me or anyone else," came Anna's sweet and incredibly unconcerned voice. Elsa turned her head so she could face Anna. Anna decided not to move a single inch and her nose was almost on Elsa's mouth.

Elsa raised her chin so she could look into her eyes. They were soft and happy, with absolute trust in them. That trust wrapped itself around her shoulders and gently covered them, making her feel more secure. "You..."

"I believe in you more than an-y-one," Anna reminded her and hiccuped yet again. "So don't worry, okay?"

Elsa laughed lightly. "Okay. Okay okay."

"If you do anything silly it'll probably be freezing your butt to the bench. And if that happens, I can rub it," Anna told her firmly, and then immediately the giggles were back.

"Hey, what's this about rubbing butts? Mine could use a scratch!" Ryder-as-Sven's voice sounded over the giggles.

"That is my fiancee, Sven!" Kristoff growled, before his eyes widened and he realized it was in fact, still Ryder and Sven was also still a reindeer. "Wait..."

"You know you two can...go away," Elsa said suddenly, then covered her mouth as she realized how that just sort of came out. "Sorry, I don't mean that! I..." Well, there was no making that one look good. She really didn't mind them! But she also didn't know why that popped out.

"Yea go away," Anna chimed in and waved them off for a second before her arms went back around Elsa. "Go fishing or something, go do guy things."

"Wow, harsh!" Ryder commented, his mouth hanging open as Kristoff stood up.

"Nah, she's right, let's go do something. Otherwise you'll get worse, and I'll end up like you," Kristoff said. Ryder snorted as though he were offended, but just shrugged. Kristoff turned to the sisters. "Can I have a kiss, Anna?"

"Hmm." Anna looked at him, grabbed Elsa's hand, and kissed the top of it. Elsa's skin tingled.

"Uh..." Kristoff ran his hand through his hair. "I guess that works. Here," he said, holding out his half drunk glass of wine.

Before Elsa even had a chance to say no, the little spitfire lunged forward, grabbed the glass and poured the entirety of the contents into her mouth. Her cheeks puffed up with her mouth full and she turned quickly to look at Elsa, her eyes wide as if to say 'oh no, I've made a mistake'.

Elsa groaned. "It's fine, it's fine. I'll hold your hair back later."

Anna swallowed and Kristoff sighed. "Oh, boy...I should not have done that. Love you honey..." He smiled meekly at Anna, and then Elsa.

"Just go," she told him, vaguely annoyed he gave her the rest of the wine, though overall she wasn't too concerned. And she shouldn't be mad, he got caught up in the moment just like the rest of them and she was drunk too. The only way to pry Anna off her side would be from a harsh gust of wind from Gale, so at least there was a guarantee she was safe.

"Love yooouuu..." Anna managed and waved at Kristoff before he turned to walk away with Ryder and Sven. Then she curled up against Elsa again. "I'm cold."

"You want to go closer to the fire?" Elsa asked, concerned.

"Nooo."

"Want to go inside my hut?"

"Nah..."

Elsa shrugged, not sure what else to suggest. Anna had on a fairly thick coat and cape. With the alcohol in her, she was surprised she was cold. Even Elsa was warm. "Okay. Well when you want a change, tell me."

Anna fell quiet for a couple of moments, her head on Elsa's shoulder. "I don't want a change," she said quietly. "Don't want..." Elsa's mind swirled a little, processing. It was still hard to focus.

"Don't want to move. I just want to stay here with you. I miss you so much," Anna told her.

Oh. Elsa's heart fell a little. "I miss you too, every single day." And every morning, every night.

"Can you freeze this moment?" Anna asked in a small voice.

Elsa laughed a little. "Now, why would you want that when you're already cold?"

"I..." Anna giggled again. "Oh yea." Then the giggling stopped. "But I'd stay cold always if I could have you back. Will you come back if its always cold?"

"Oh Anna, you know I don't need-"

"I know, it's not like you're a...something that actually lives in snow. But if you were I'd have it snow all the time. I'd live in an igloo. Please please, I don't want to let go," she said and her arms were tighter around Elsa.

"Anna...I don't want you to either." Elsa turned on the bench. "I really, really don't. But - but I have to help up here, at least for now. When I know everything is in balance, when I know they'll be alright, I'll come home, I'll come to you. I promise." Yea, it was a bit of a drunken promise, but she meant it. The Northuldra wouldn't need her forever. Ahtohallan could be welcoming, but without those she loved it was a large and empty expanse where she watched many memories she could do nothing about even if she learned a great many things. She didn't have to stop going, didn't have to stop learning.

But she could stop living there when the time was right. The other spirits might miss her but they could easily reach her.

Anna could reach her too but Elsa didn't want her to have to.

"I want to be with you," Anna said, sliding down against Elsa. Somehow her body still fit on that bench despite it not being too wide. "I love Kristoff and I love Olaf and I love our people but I love you the most." Her voice sounded thick.

"Anna, hey, hey." Elsa's own eyes were starting to tear up, and she wanted Anna to not go the sad drunk route, partially because she would take Elsa right along with her. The air around her had shifted from comforting to despair and she did not want that. "Anna, I'm here. I'm right here, okay? I'm with you right now. And someday, I will always be with you. It might be annoying. You'll be trying to sleep, and there's me causing a snowball fight in the bedroom because I'm having a dream."

By then Anna's head was in her lap, and she was silent before popping out a question. "Has that actually happened?"

Elsa didn't know for sure, but Yelena had mentioned a circle of slightly menacing snowmen surrounding her hut one night when she was having a nightmare, so it was a possibility. "Maybe. But do you really want to find out?"

"Yes!"

Elsa shook her head with a smile. "Of course. That was a silly question. I love you, Anna." She gazed down at her and stroked her face. Anna took her other hand in both of her own and held it to her chest.

"I love you more."

"Impossible," Elsa whispered down to her. She couldn't imagine anything that could compete with her love for Anna...

"Nuh-uh." Anna glared up at her. "You don't even know how much..."

The glare was met with the continued warm smile. "I can feel it, so yes, I do. I really do. I suppose neither of us can win this argument."

"Nope. So stop! And just let me be here, okay, right here. I don't wanna be anywhere else."

"I know." Elsa slouched a little so she could lean over her more. "I'm not moving. I'm not going anywhere." When it did start to get dark, she'd move to carry Anna to bed and that was about it. Meanwhile she still stroked Anna's cheek. Anna always was more of the clingy drunk type. Once or twice Elsa could remember Anna literally falling asleep outside her door, before Elsa had been comfortable enough to cuddle with her.

Never again would that happen.

Anna didn't say anything for a little while though she continued to watch Elsa. Everything felt at rest, and though Elsa still felt a little dizzy, she was alright. And they may have indeed stayed there until the sun went down, until...

"Elsa...about holding my hair back..." Anna hiccuped, and it did not sound good.

Well, she almost held her alcohol.

[onceaponamidnightdreary]

The Crimson Crusader

Ksk--ksk--testing-sks- ello- ske- esting one to three, testing one two three. Alright, we’re live. Greetings civilians. This, as you may not know, is the Crimson Crusader, your average vigilante that you don’t know and love to hate. Though, I ain’t your average vigilante. Why, I’ll get to that later. I’m perched on a rooftop, doing my daily patrol. It’s about ten at night and things are a little low, crime-wise. You may want to know why I’m broadcasting this recording, as people like us like to keep our identities hidden. It won’t matter, you won’t find me on any records, or government documents, those have been burned. Heck, I don’t know why I’m doing this myself, but I’ve gotten tired of all you conspiracy theorists. This is my story, where I came from.

See, I was born and raised in the town of Lindhold, of which you are probably familiar. You see it on the news all the time, all the crimes and the rich people up the hill. See, the town was divided into three parts, the Uppers, the Middle, and the Slums. Figure it out by yourself what they mean. O’course, I just happened to be born in the worst part of town. Down there, we didn’t call it Linkhold, nah, to us, it was known as Fester. Cuz everything was always rott’n and festering, the buildings, the food, the people. ‘Specially the people. I was born in a dead-end alley-way with one-eyed alleycat as my nursemaid. The first thing I saw, apparently, was the cat hissing as me. Funny enough, I’ve always loved the creatures after that.

My mother named me Angel Crimson Aldrich, though nobody called me Angel. You called me by my middle name, or you didn’t talk to me at all. Why my mother named me this, I didn’t know. I was as far from Angel as you could get. She said it’s cause I looked like one, with my sienna-pale skin, slate-grey eyes. And white-blond long hair. I cut it the next day, lopped off the sides and the back and it stayed that way ever since, wild in a devil-may-care way. Nothing to grab. One thing I couldn’t figure out was my last name. Aldrich. My mother's name was Evalin Savanna, so I figured it was my father. Never knew him, but I hated him all the same. It was ‘cause of him that my mom suffered. Never even paid a stupid child support check. I bet he didn’t even know I existed.

I lived with my mom in a rotting wooden flat, just the two of us. She died when I was five, pneumonia. Never had the money to afford the medicine.

The tenant evicted me and I spent the next two years as a street-urchin, pickpocket extraordinaire. Don’t feel bad for me, I was’n the only one. Hell, those streets were riddled with kids like me. Nobody batted an eye. It was just life in the town of Fester. I went to elementary school, I was smart for my age. The school was deplorable, a library the size of a cupboard, overcrowded classrooms, you name it. Dropped out at age six. From then on, my life moved on faster. At seven, I joined my first gang, held my first gun at nine, and killed my first man when I was eleven. Those streets make you grow up fast.

When I was thirteen I was lucky enough to run with a gang called the Crusaders.

Sound familiar?

I kept with them, moved up ranks. I was smart, I followed orders, I was ruthless, I fought like a demon. At fifteen I was the right hand girl to the leader, a chick called Smoky, cause of her eye-shadow. She was like an older sister to me, teaching me everything I knew. She was the toughest person I know, and it ain’t easy for a girl on the streets. You learn to survive, to not trust. She died in a gang fight, promoting me with her dying words. I was sixteen and I became leader to the second largest gang in Fester. Back then, gangs were everything. You paid homage to the right gang or you died trying. Turf wars were battles that decided life or death. We controlled five city blocks, and they were everything and we gave everything to defend them. But the Crusaders weren’t your average gang. I doubt any gang led by a woman is. See, we didn’t deal drugs, ammo, or counterfeit money. And I know you’re wonderin’ what we did do. See, ‘Crusaders’ means a person who fought in the Crusades, a medieval battle for Christianity or something. But today, it comes to mean someone who uses vigorous, aggressive movement for the defense or advancement of an idea or cause. That's what we did. Since the police were useless and usually bought off by a gang, crime raged rampant in Fester. If you walked down town at night, it was extremely likely that you would be mugged, shot, stabbed, or kidnapped.

Or all of the above.

So me and my gang, we dealt out justice, an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth situation. But we had a very meticulous system. If you stole, the first question we would ask is why. If you stole to feed your family, we would let you go. If you stole because of greed, we would take double what you took. And thrice the second time. The third time, we cut off your hand. If you murdered for revenge, we understood that. If you killed for power, for gain, for absolutely no reason at all, well, then you died. If that made us bad people, we didn’t know. But it was the only type of justice we knew and we were good at it. We also stole from the Uppers, the rich, white folk in their god-awful fancy McMansions. They never walked in our lower part of town, didn’t bat an eye at the crime and the poverty, didn’t know an’ didn’t care that one peice of furniture in their house could feed an entire family for a year. Man, we hated them, them in their fancy cars and clean clothes. Worst of all, they did nothin’ to deserve it. They were all born into money, like their parents before them. And their parents before them. So we stole from them, hacked into their bank accounts, emptying ‘em little by little.

Wait- sks there's something,- sks- I’ll be back- sks-(Gunshots and yelling in background. Thumps and bodies hitting the wall.)

Sks- ksk- krshhh-sks-kay I’m back. There was some idiot who thought he was at the top of the food chain ‘cause he had a gun. Now he’s got a major concussion and the entire police station in his face.

Idiot.

So I should probably tell you about some people that were in my crew. Every gang has a crew, the inner circle basically, then a few runners, people that send messages and help with other stuff but aren’t there fulltime and lastly, your hoard, which were people that were under your protection that other gangs couldn’t touch but only ran favours for you now and then. My crew and I were real tight, we had to be, watching each other's backs and all.

My right hand man was a guy called Leon, smart as a whip and tough as a shark, and man he could get things done. He used to run with the Sidestreet Shavers, I think, before they kicked him out ‘cause he saved a little girl's life. I heard, took him in, and he’s been loyal ever since.

My tech guys, the hackers, was a girl, ex-heroin addict nick-named Half Print, and her sweetheart, a thin, skinny blond guy called Stevie. And damn, were they good at their job. I had no doubt they could hack the Pentagon if they wanted. They had an extensive blackmail file on everyone. You know, just cause.

My muscle, two brothers, only two years apart, named Cork and Neal, just your average for-hire thug, buzz-cut, 6 foot 2, tattooed knuckles, that kind of thing. But they had good hearts, you know, real softies when you got to know them. They lived on the streets before they busted a dog-fighting ring and I gave them my protection. Genuinely good people are hard to come by.

I also had a spy/assassin, a mute girl named Stiletto, cause of her preferred weapon, and her girlfriend who was my scout, Hatchet, an african-american girl who ran away at age ten thanks to her abusive and homophobic father. She also had the largest library of curse words known to mankind, including some in different languages.

We all suffered. We all dreamed. And that's what made us different from other gangs, you know? Nobody in the god-forsaken town of Fester had ever dreamed. The place just sucked the hope right outta you. We were a group of hopeless dreamers, wishing for something more than this hellhole. We wanted to go to college, to travel, to help others like us. But we can’t. Can’t afford any of it.

Which brings me to the next part of my story.

It was dangerous, living in a gang. You run the risk of getting beat up and shot.

Which was exactly what happened to Stevie.

Now we weren’t as close as Me and Leon but we were still great friends. And looking at his broken and bleeding figure I wasn't thinking clearly. He was the most fragile out of my crew, and I thought he was dead. So we did the worst thing possible.

We called 911.

We were gang members with a bleeding dying figure on our hands. But we were hysterical and young enough that they didn’t arrest any of us. They let Half Print ride in the ambulance and the rest of us ran. Straight on ran the six blocks to the hospital.

The news was grim.

He was alive but in a coma. Busted rib cage, punctured lungs, ruptured organs, several broken bones. They needed to do surgery or else he wasn’t gonna live. We agreed, saying that we would pay them back.

The price came to $530,000.

We didn’t have that type of money.

Hell, we didn’t even know how to get that type of money.

But Hatchet heard about a government program that needed willing human volunteers to experiment on. They were offering $600,000.

We argued about who should go, everyone offering themselves. I told them it was my duty, as leader and left without a word. I appointed Leon as the head until I returned. No one mentioned what we were all thinking, that they might never see me again.  

From then on, everything becomes a little blurry.

The scientists didn’t bother using anesthesia, so I remembered pain. Lots of pain. They took my right eye, too. Replaced it with a mechanical one. After the experiments, I trained, and everything became a haze. I learned weapons use and types of fighting styles, my drugged up mind not even questioning it. They made me stronger, faster, with inhuman reflexes. There were 20 volunteers of people desperate enough to need the money.

After a year, there were only three left, including me. I still don't remember what happened but apparently I killed them. Then I burned down the government building. The head scientist escaped, a man called Dr. Armada.

Then I went back to my gang.

They pressured me to tell them what happened, how I was stronger then normal, stronger than human.

I didn’t have a lot of answers to give them. They were excited for my powers, as they called it. They wanted to use it to stop crime, to do the things we strived to do.

I told them no. I didn’t want to be like the superheros in New York. Nothing good came out of that, look what happened to Tony Stark. Dead after saving the world. I wanted to lay low after all that had happened.

We had a fight, … and… I left. One of the greatest regrets of my life. As I was heading out, I heard a girl crying out for help, with my inhuman hearing. I got there without thinking and stopped the guy attacking her. It was laughably easy. I realized that they were right and I headed back to apologize.

And I will never forget this, as I headed back, the warehouse doors were wide open and the moonlight illuminated red stains on the floor.

Blood.

I rushed in but it was too late. Wide, glassy eyes, bodies cold and stiff. And I heard a gasp to my right. It was Stiletto, the girl who never spoke in her damn life. She looked at me and… I-I’ll never forget this. She said “Remember Crimson, doing what is right is not always easy. But doing’ what is easy is not always right.”

And then she was dead.

I swore then and there that I would become what they wanted to be. The dreams they never had, the fight they always wanted.

I became, in honour of them, the Crimson Crusader.

That is me, Angel Crimson Aldrich, signing off, for now.

[raptortext]

@knightadora asked: 45. To Keep a Cover (couple not established) kiss :: Zack/Tifa - FFVII

(ao3 link)

2,159 words, fake married, Zack needs a hobby

Tifa is tired of pretending to be Zack’s wife. When she signed up to be his guide and host in her hometown she didn’t realize she was going to be part of some undercover assignment. It’s been a few months now and she’s not even allowed to know what progress has been made on Zack’s case. She doesn’t like being left in the dark, especially not like this. At least Zack feels equally restless despite being the special agent in charge.

Out of boredom Zack learned how to bake bread. Tifa never thought she would get tired of bread. Out of the many things Zack has introduced to her it’s the most unexpected. Sure, he taught her knife throwing and that spontaneous sets of squats really do relieve stress, but the bread thing really got her. She’s sure Zack’s also tired of bread but he’s the one constantly baking it.

“Is there anything else you could learn to make?” Tifa offers, genuinely trying to be helpful. Bread is taking a toll on both of them. “There’s ice-cream, nut butters...pies even sound nice.”

Zack knocks on his newest sourdough with only a portion of the zeal he did when he first started doing this. “I guess I could start pickling stuff,” he says absently, seemingly unaware that Tifa suggested nothing like that.

Tifa sighs. “You could do that. It’s not bread.”

The sourdough passes Zack’s inspection and he sets it aside. “You got that right.”

Zack’s phone—the specific one for communication about the assignment—starts ringing. He answers it, listens for the code word, and sighs when he ends the call. “Back door,” he says to Tifa. Tifa at this point knows that this means Tseng is here; it used to be Rude but he stopped coming by for some reason.

Tifa beats Zack to the back door and unlatches it. Sure enough, Tseng is waiting on the back porch looking like a secret agent. In the past Tifa’s asked about the uptight attire and Tseng’s somewhat embarrassed answer was that he looked more like a secret agent in civilian clothes. At least the suit made people giggle instead of whisper amongst themselves.

Tseng nods to Tifa. “Good morning.”

Tifa shuts the door behind him. It’s mid-afternoon. “Good morning,” she replies. She follows him to the kitchen and doesn’t miss the brief glimpse of confusion flash on Tseng’s face when he’s faced with Zack’s multiple bread loaves.

Zack leans back against the counter, hands tucked in his hoodie. “Hey, man. What’s going on?”

Tseng seems fixated on the bread. “Have you considered filing to sell from a home kitchen? We can bring a crew in to make sure it’s up to code.”

“I’ve thought about it but all I make is bread. Well I just thought about pickling stuff and—”

“So what’s new, Tseng?” Tifa interrupts before Zack can go on a tangent about all his ideas for entrepreneurship. “You don’t stop by that often.”

Tseng clears his throat. “Our intelligence—” Zack scoffs and Tifa elbows him. “—has discovered that you two are raising suspicions.”

Zack gapes. “What? How?”

“Are we doing something wrong?” Tifa asks. She feels more calm than she thought she would. Maybe it’s the very vague implication that this situation could end if the cover falls through. It’s a selfish thought but it’s always present in her mind.

“To put it frankly: you two aren’t affectionate enough. Your neighbors are gossiping,” Tseng continues. “A rumor has started that you two aren’t married or aren’t in love. It will only lead to people trying to pry into your relationship which could be detrimental to the assignment.”

Zack and Tifa glance at each other. They’ve mingled enough with the neighbors to guess who it was and have lived with each other long enough to exchange nonverbal communication. “So we just need to be a little more touchy-feely around certain people, yeah?” Zack guesses with a hint of annoyance that Tseng picks up as being personal.

“I suggest you two start learning to kiss each other convincingly,” Tseng says outright. He ignores the gawking he receives. “Being “touchy-feely” isn’t as convincing, especially for your particular neighbors. You obviously don’t need to get more physical than that.”

Tifa breathes a sigh of relief. “That’s good.”

“You might have to start talking as if you are, however. We’ll inform you if that becomes necessary.”

Zack groans and slumps against the counter. “Dude, can’t these people mind their own business?”

Tseng is ever stony-faced. “No. They can’t.”

“Couldn’t you have, I dunno, done all your creepy surveillance before putting us on Gossip Lane?”

“...I’ll admit we may have made a mistake.”

Tifa sighs. “So we’ll just...kiss a little in front of people.”

Tseng shakes his head. “You two will need to make it convincing. It has to seem completely real. If you show any awkwardness or uncertainty it may tip them off that—”

Zack interrupts, deadpan: “That someone among them is telling us what they’re saying behind our backs? And suddenly changing our behavior unconvincingly will make it look like we’re covering something up?”

“Exactly.”

Tifa and Zack look at each other and frown a little deeper. They’re both the kind of people who prefer for things like that to happen organically; honesty is important to both of them and it gets in the way of acting their parts. Tseng senses the discomfort and has absolutely nothing to soothe their concerns with.

He looks at Zack’s bread corner. “I’ll be on my way. May I take a loaf off your hands?”

Zack holds out his hand. “I gotta pay for my new hobby. You can take two.”

Tseng, still expressing confusion yet going along with it, complies. He hands Zack three bills of the highest currency and takes three loaves in a reusable shopping bag from Tifa’s horde.

Tifa escorts Tseng out the back door and returns to the kitchen, walking in on Zack holding each bill to the light. “Do you really think he would give you fake money?” she inquires.

“Can never be too careful with that bunch,” Zack mutters. “Tseng’s pretty generous at least. I like that guy.” He pockets the cash and crosses his arms. Tifa’s lived with him long enough to recognize that he’s uncomfortable. She puts her hands flat on her hips instead of her fists. Zack’s lived with her long enough to recognize that she’s uncomfortable.

“So...” Tifa starts, “We really have to do this, huh?” Zack nods. “When do you want to...um...start?”

Zack looks at her. “Have you kissed anyone before?”

Tifa’s silence is her answer. Zack whistles and Tifa looks away. “I just...never got around to it with this boy from my hometown, okay?”

“Nah, it’s okay. It’s not scary,” Zack says. He straightens up and gestures for her to get closer. “I don’t mind teaching you.” He grins and Tifa simultaneously feels comforted and annoyed.

She heaves a sigh and goes to him. Her heart is beating faster as her anxiety rises. She’s never been intimate in any sense with someone else and suddenly she has to get a crash course in kissing. It’s not her favorite thing in the world.

Zack is taller than her and she’s close enough that she’s extra aware of it. She gasps when Zack puts his hands on her hips.

“Is that okay?” he asks. He waits for Tifa to nod and he tugs her closer, only tugging after every full set of steps Tifa takes towards him. When she’s able to put her hands on his chest, he lets go of her hips. “How about this?”

Tifa swallows. “Um...”

Zack smiles and Tifa feels like she’s seeing a softer side of all his flirtatious, excitable sunshine. “We can take it slow, this can be it for today.”

She looks down at her hands on Zack’s chest. Of course she wants to take it slow, but what if it’s too slow? The sooner they can fix this gossip problem the better, right? Tseng was more pushy and urgent about this than Zack is, at least.

Tifa turns her gaze back up to Zack. “No, it’s okay. What next?”

“Can I hold you?” Zack asks. Tifa nods, hesitant at first, then more confident. Zack puts his hands on her waist this time; they’re so big and warm and holding her so securely.

She could...get used to this.

Tifa looks at her hands. “Should I do something, too?”

“Hm...you could put your arms around my neck, or something like that,” Zack replies. Tifa goes for holding onto Zack’s shoulders. “And now we kiss.”

Tifa takes a deep breath. She closes her eyes. “Okay...okay, I’m ready.”

She feels Zack’s breath and her heart races. He’s so close, closer than anyone has ever been to her. He’s going to kiss her. He’s really going to kiss her. She knows she doesn’t have to worry about being good or bad at it right now—she doesn’t even know what makes a kiss good or bad—but it’s something she’s entirely unfamiliar with and that’s enough to worry her. She stays firm, though; she’s not one to back down from anything.

Zack kisses her and it’s...nice. Lips feel weird but at least his feel nice. He’s gentle but firm, he’s holding her just enough to not constrict her, and he...he smells nice, too. She never noticed. But she could blame that on smelling flour on him so often.

The kiss ends and her eyes flutter open. She stares up at Zack who seems about the same amount of pleasantly shocked as she feels. Zack smiles a little at her.

“Hey, you’re still holding on,” he notices. “Want another one?”

Tifa can tell he’s joking now, that he’s brushing this off by being his playful self. Honestly it’s a relief to see him act this way after a few weeks of him baking endless loaves with increasing depression. She smiles.

“Actually...yeah. That wasn’t so bad.”

Zack blushes a little. “Oh—really?”

“I don’t want to force you if you don’t want to!” Tifa rushes to clarify. She feels her face getting warm. “I’m just saying it wasn’t so bad.”

“We can do a little more practice, I didn’t mind that either.”

Zack kisses her again. It’s the same as the first but this time Zack tilts his head when he parts from her and goes back in. Tifa keeps herself still, she feels stiff. Zack can tell and he whispers on her lips, “You can relax. I’ve got you.”

Tifa relaxes for a moment but when Zack kisses her again it’s a little more intense and her guard is down; she felt protected by herself before but now she feels too open. She pushes on his shoulders and Zack immediately pulls away and lets go of her waist. Tifa backs up and fidgets her hands.

“I’m done for today,” she proclaims. “I’ll let you know when I’m ready again.”

Zack puts his hands back in his hoodie pocket. Tifa’s sticky lip gloss is still on his lips; he doesn’t mind it. He smiles and nods. “Yeah, sure thing! You know where to find me.” He makes Tifa chuckle.

“We’re doing this so we can get away from each other, remember?” she says lightly. Zack shrugs.

“I dunno, I think you’ll be the first person I ask to buy some bread and pickles from me,” he teases. Tifa smiles.

“Okay. I’ll wait for you,” she promises. “I need to get some laundry done.”

She leaves and when she turns the corner into the laundry room she puts her back to the wall and covers her mouth. She can still feel Zack’s mouth on hers, his hands on her waist and his shoulders under her hands. It’s all in her head though, right? These things don’t actually linger. It was her first time, that must be it. She just needs to keep her cool and not let her guard down too much.

She looks up at the laundry machines and discovers that she does not, in fact, have any laundry to do.

In the kitchen Zack scratches his head and figures he should clean up all the dirty dishes and baking supplies; he already cleaned the counter where he kneads the dough so that’s one task down. He takes a deep breath. Tifa’s trust, even if brief, made him feel blessed or...something. He knew before that she was pretty, sure, but the way she looked up at him after they kissed gave him butterflies. He grabs a paper towel, wets it, and starts to dab at the gloss she passed on to him. It wasn’t his favorite feeling in the world but the lingering evidence of her was exciting.

He gets back to cleaning the dishes. He needs to research pickling. He wonders what kind of pickles Tifa would like the most.

[seriouslyhooked]

Mr. Brightside

Available on FF Here and AO3 Here.

A/N: This is a reader requested one shot based on the classic song ‘Mr. Brightside’ by the Killers. I have had this on the prompt list for roughly forever, and FINALLY got my muse to talk to me about what to do with this. It’s a CS Rock and Roll AU (is that a thing? It has to be a thing) where Killian is the lead singer of a band and the opening act for their world tour is Emma’s band. There’s been confusion about whether Emma is single or not, but eventually it’s all sorted out, and surprise – there’s a lot of fluff. It’s pretty loosely based on the song, all things considered, but since I will always love this song I am happy to include it in the mixtape. Hope you guys enjoy and thank you all for reading.

“All right sound check came back perfect – no problems there, lads. Looks like it’ll be a great show.”

The news from the band’s manager, Robin Locksley, should have improved Killian’s mood, but alas it did nothing to revive his spirits. His bad attitude was here to stay, a dark cloud hovering over what should have been a bloody brilliant day. Everyone else could tell he was feeling off. A few of his band mates had even asked what was bothering him, but Killian remained mum on the issue. He couldn’t talk about it. He just had to wait out the shit feelings that had arrived the moment their A&R reps came back to town this morning and pray for eventual relief from the madness of his thoughts.

“So the show starts in an hour. MistMavens will do their usual thirty minutes and then you guys are on twenty minutes later. Unless you want to shorten their set. Killian, thoughts?”

Killian shook his head after a moment’s contemplation. No, he didn’t want to take any of the time of the girl group before them away. They were just starting out in their careers. It was their first big tour and Killian knew they had more than enough talent to merit being here. Regardless of his hurt feelings he wanted to see them succeed, for better or worse. He wouldn’t allow resentment to deny worthy people their shot.

“Okay then. You all know what to do. Let’s give em’ the show they deserve.”

Robin’s final words were a signal to the crew and everyone else that they could go about other things for the time being. For the band, however, it signaled a time to touch base just the four of them. Typically Killian appreciated this, knowing he needed to hash out any final thoughts with the others in Legal Piracy to prepare for a decent gig, but right now his walls were up. He felt cagey, like he was trapped and unable to claw his way out of the anger and the hurt, and all it would take would be one wrong word from one of the band members and he’d snap, best mates or not.

“You think he ever sleeps?” David Nolan, the band’s bassist and Killian’s oldest friend asked, no doubt about Robin. This pulled a laugh from everyone, and even Killian forced a smile. It really was remarkable how much Robin could get done. He was always on top of things, and never lost his charm or his swagger in the meantime.

“Nah, man. Between us and the missus, that man’s got his hands full,” Graham replied, his fingers still twirling about his drumsticks even though he was no longer playing.

“I just can’t believe he bagged the Evil Queen. Did anyone see that coming?” Will, the final member of their foursome asked as he handed off his guitar to one of the stagehands below.

“Only everyone with eyes,” Killian replied a bit more sharply than anticipated. Then again, it wasn’t exactly a surprise. Everyone knew that Robin and the president of their record label, Regina Mills, had a thing for each other for years. What was shocking was how much Regina had seemingly changed because of the union. She had always been tense, abrasive, and overbearing before. Now she still reigned with an absolute power, but she’d mellowed out. It made her a much more bearable person to be around and Robin seemed to be just as well suited to the match as she did.

“Ha ha,” Will replied dryly. “Speaking of eyes, you going to secretly make some more at Emma tonight or are we doing the damn thing and fighting Neal already?”

“Come again?” Killian asked at the same time that David and Graham replied “Fighting.”

Killian stared in shock at his friends for saying this. It was one thing for them to comment about his infatuation with Emma, because as much as Killian wished he’d been subtle he knew that he hadn’t been. It was pretty damn obvious how he felt about her. He had made no real attempt to hide the fact that he cared for her, at least not until this morning when everything had fallen apart in an instant. But for his friends to realize that his recent hostility was due in part to their A&R rep, that was a step above. 

Part of Killian was angered by the fact that they would bring it up, since even the thought of Neal and Emma together cut him to the core, but he was also a bit pleased that his friends were ready to go and help him take out the sorry excuse for a man if he so chose. The thought of actually dueling with Neal had crossed Killian’s mind more than once throughout the day. After all, a man unwilling to fight for what he wanted was no real man at all. At least that was what Killian’s brother Liam was prone to saying.

“Oh come on, Killian, that dude’s a tool. We all know it’s you Emma should be with. Hell, I don’t even believe him when he says they’re together. She doesn’t look into him at all. She practically ran away from him all day. Either way, it’s time to man up and do something about it.”

“And you think fighting Cassidy is the way to go?” Killian asked, trying to conceal the fact that a tiny bit of hope flared to life that Emma might not really want this other man. “Emma’s not some prize to be won.”

“No, she’s the woman you love,” David replied evenly. “And she loves you back, man. There’s no doubting that.”

“If she loved me, she wouldn’t be with him, would she?” Killian asked, but before his friends could reply he backed away with his hands out stretched. “I’m not doing this. I’ll see you at the show.”

Moving through the stage setup and into the back of the arena, Killian willed himself to get lost in the shuffle but it was hard to do given the fact that this was his concert and he was so recognizable. In all the years that Killian and his friends had been hustling like crazy to get to this kind of success, he never imagined that anything could dull the shine of fame and fortune. He and the band had worked too damn hard to have anything come in between him and the happiness he imagined would come when every door was open to them, when people around the world listened to their music, and would give anything to see their show. Yet here he was, angry, resentful, and bitter as could be because all of this meant nothing to him, not when he didn’t have what mattered most of all.

It would be impossible to pinpoint the exact moment when love had come crashing into his life, but he would imagine it was right at the beginning, the morning he and the band first met their opening act for their new American tour. On that morning Killian hadn’t known what awaited him, but when he first met Emma Swan, a brilliant, sassy, fierce and fiery siren of a woman, he was helpless to resist her.

“So you’re the notorious Killian Jones,” she’d said as their hands met in greeting. Killian felt the sharp tingle of awareness when skin met skin, and he watched as Emma’s eyes widened ever so slightly and her breathing seemed to pick up at the same time.

“Oh, so you’ve heard of me then?” Killian asked, trying to be seductive and charming all at once, but he hadn’t expected her laughter. It wasn’t meant to be a joke, but in retrospect it was a corny reply through and through.

“Uh, yeah, I’ve heard of the lead singer of the band we’re opening for,” she replied, her tone laced in humor and an insinuation that clearly said ‘duh, what kind of question is that?’

“Right. Well Swan – that’s an interesting name. Don’t hear that very often.”

“You don’t?” Emma asked, her brow furrowing in confusion as to why he was bringing up her last name, and hell if he could explain it. Truth be told he was nervous, a first for him probably in his whole life. He had no rational explanation for it but his hands were shaking and his mind was moving a mile a minute. He’d just kind of blurted that fact out and now he had to try and find a way to recover before this beautiful woman wrote him off as completely unhinged or incompetent.

“No, love. I think it’s for the best though. Only someone as lovely as you deserves such a connotation.” 

There, that was a bit better. His ability to speak to a woman wasn’t completely lost after all, and though he was now laying it on rather thick, Killian wasn’t exaggerating about how attractive Emma was. Once he said the words though, his sole hope became that she would be receptive, and when she smiled at him and the slightest trace of pink kissed her cheeks, he felt like getting down on his knees and thanking God above. It felt like the sweetest victory to win her over, and to earn a genuine grin from this intriguing woman he wanted to know better.

“Anyone ever tell you that you’re way too charming?” Emma asked, her voice lower than it had been just a moment ago. The sound of it tugged at something inside of Killian, because he knew from the heat and the gravel that this wasn’t a one sided interest on his part. Despite her ability to seem unaffected, Emma was feeling this connection as well, though she tried to hide it with another jest. “You’re lucky you’re a rock star – guys with lines like that in the real world get written off as corny.”

“People have called me a lot of things, love, but corny isn’t one of them.”

“Well if the shoe fits…” Emma said with a shrug, and it had taken everything in Killian not to pull her close and kiss her senseless. But alas, they hadn’t been alone and it was hardly the time or place to try and see if such a match could work.

Over the next few weeks the interest that Killian felt only grew stronger by the day. He would run into Emma all the time, seeing her in rehearsals and watching her sets night in and night out. She was beyond talented, with a voice that evoked undeniable feeling in any song at any time. She could sing a ballad or an anthem or a cover of some long lost classic and be so well suited to all of them it was astounding. She had real talent, and the rest of her band did too. Yet it wasn’t her affinity for music that drew Killian in most, it was who she was as a person. Fiercely loyal to her friends and her crew, Emma was a fighter and a lover all in one. She treated everyone with kindness and respect, valued the time of each person in their orbit, no matter how menial their job, but she always stood her ground. She didn’t accept bad treatment for herself or for anyone else, and Killian couldn’t help but see her as this almost savior, sweeping in to different situations and protecting the underdogs at every turn. She was such an enigma, but at the same time Killian felt like he’d never understood a person better in his life than he did Emma Swan.

It was insane for him to care so much about a woman so quickly, and since past mistakes in love had made him cynical and uninterested in anything like a repeat performance, it seriously fucked him up for a time. The first few weeks they knew each other Killian battled this innate desire to spend time with her and the wariness that his past had taught him to hold close. Despite his attempts at avoiding attachment, however, he could feel himself falling under her spell. Little by little his heart ran away from him, and before he knew it he was hers. 

A turning point came where he realized that resistance was futile, and before he knew it they were spending each night together. They stayed back on the bus or in the hotel, leaving their friends to explore the local nightlife while they watched a movie, took a walk, or had dinner just the two of them. It was intimate even though neither of them ever crossed the line, and the best part was that it was normal. He wasn’t Killian Jones, rock star, and she wasn’t defined by her up and coming status either. They were just two people getting to know each other and forming a connection so few people ever had. And then the moment finally came, the one where he couldn’t wait anymore to make a move. He was so certain of his regard for Emma he had to let her know.

Instinct guided him in that instant to side with a display of his affection over the words that always seemed to get tangled up in his presence. She was so close, grinning at some witty comment he’d made about the movie before them and he took his opportunity, pressing his lips to hers and feeling the impact of a kiss with the woman of his dreams. What started as easy affection ignited, for all it took was one second for Emma to be there with him. Her response was glorious, seductive, and healing all in one. It told Killian he wasn’t alone in this, and he reveled in the chemistry between them. Something this hot and this intense couldn’t be forced – it was a magic so unique people lived their whole lives and never felt it, and Killian would have given anything to take it further, to steal her away to his suite, strip the clothes from her body, and take her over and over again until morning light came. But somehow, through some strength of character and purpose he never knew he had, he pulled back, looking into Emma’s lust-filled eyes and taking in her words of amazement.

“I can’t believe you did that,” she whispered, her lips full and her face flush with the influence of their kiss.

“Can’t you?” Killian asked, a grin forming on his face as he allowed himself to truly feel this untouchable sense of happiness. “Haven’t I made my intentions clear?”

“Well yeah, I mean I thought I knew, but… I don’t know, I’ve just been waiting for what feels like forever for that to happen.”

“Aye, love. The wait was too long, but this is only the beginning, Emma. You have my word on that.”

The rest of the night was a beautiful blur of feeling, and he and Emma made the most of the fleeting moments they had before their friends returned. But when the end of the night came, Killian was confident that they would have tomorrow. If he had his way they’d have a million more of such moments together, that was how far he’d fallen for Emma, but fate it seemed was not so interested in granting him that happily ever after. Instead of rising to a new day where he could tell the world that Emma was his and that he was hers in turn, he’d stumbled upon a scene at breakfast that broke his heart and his very spirit as well.

At first Killian didn’t register anything was amiss, but when he spotted Neal cozied up to Emma, standing too close for it to be anything innocent, it felt like the floor fell out from under him. Killian could only bear to look at them for a second, but the damage was done to his heart and to that happiness he’d thought was here to stay. Since then he’d been avoiding Emma. He hadn’t been subtle about it either, boldly leaving rooms or making sure they only shared a space when there were a half a dozen or more eyes watching. It was bloody difficult work, because even with everything he still wanted her close. But he had to do it. The honorable thing to do was to leave her alone if she belonged to another.

“Killian?”

The voice that called to him was undeniably Emma’s, and for a moment he thought he might have dreamed it up. He took stock of his surroundings, realizing that he’d ended up at the farthest corner of the venue. The spot was shielded away from prying public eyes, and it allowed him to tune out the world and just gaze at the cityscape below. He had been so wrapped up in his thoughts, Killian hadn’t even realized Emma was near him, and he took a calming breath, trying to keep himself in check for this interaction. It was all for nothing though, because as soon as he turned and saw her, ready for her set tonight and looking more stunning than any woman had a right to, he was lost.

“Swan,” he said, knowing his greeting was cold, but he didn’t have any other words. If he didn’t keep things short between them he’d confess it all, and he couldn’t stand the embarrassment that would entail. No, what he’d seen that morning had made it very clear – Emma belonged to another and he’d be making a fool of himself to try to plead for a chance when she was satisfied elsewhere. “Don’t you have a set starting shortly?”

“Yes,” Emma said, taking a step forward. Killian wanted to do the same, feeling the need to get closer to her but he held back and watched her closely, trying to understand what she was feeling. Her face was filled with emotion, but it was all too hard to read when he was charged up on his own. “But I had to talk to you. I can’t go out there tonight if I don’t.”

“Is everything all right?” Killian asked, still trying to rein himself in even as worry spiked inside his heart. Was she okay? Was she hurt? A thousand scenarios ran through her mind and he had to remind himself she wasn’t his to protect.

“No,” Emma said softly as she took another step towards him. “You’ve been avoiding me.”

“I haven’t, Emma, I’ve been -,”

“You promised me you’d never lie to me, remember?” Emma said, reminding him of a moment they’d had a few weeks back, a night Killian thought might lead to more but where he’d yet again proven too chicken to actually make his move.

“Aye, love, I remember.”

“I know you saw me and Neal together,” Emma said, causing Killian to tense up instantly.

“How?” Killian asked, knowing that he hadn’t been seen as he left and that even an hour ago Emma had no idea what was wrong.

“Robin told me.”

Killian couldn’t believe it. He was stunned. His manager of all people had told Emma the truth? But it broke every code. Here he was thinking that Robin was his friend even if he worked for him, but then why would he go behind Killian’s back and do this? It was unconscionable and Killian was poised to leave the room and give Locksley a piece of his mind when Emma reached out for his hand. Killian knew he should let it go. It wasn’t right or smart to do this, but heaven help him he couldn’t, not when nothing the world over could ever feel so right.

“He didn’t tell me to betray you, Killian. I gave him an ultimatum – either he told me or I’d walk.”

Killian scoffed at the crazy idea. There was no bloody way that she and her band would have not performed. This was the chance of a lifetime, but the open, honest, and sincerely genuine look in Emma’s eyes indicated otherwise. “Emma, that’s crazy! What on earth were you thinking?”

“I was thinking that I needed answers!” she exclaimed before releasing a breath that was shaky and spoke to her heightened state of emotion. “Something happened – one night we’re perfect and things are going great and the next morning everything was ruined. I didn’t know what was going on.”

“Well what was I supposed to think?” Killian asked, his voice at the edge of breaking as he tried to hold it together. “There’s clearly something between you too. Cassidy’s confirmed you’re seeing him to anyone who would listen all damn day.”

“He did what?!” Emma screeched, clearly shocked and irate at the revelation. “No I’m not ‘seeing him.’ What you saw was him making a play but I didn’t want any part of it because …”

Emma trailed off her words, a blush coming to her face as she looked away from Killian. It was the first time that she seemed afraid in all of this and it shook Killian to the core. Here was this strong woman with a fire inside her that he admired constantly, but right now she seemed worried, and he had this instinctual feeling that the worry was about him. Could he dare to hope? He didn’t know, but he reached out and tilted her chin back up to look at him, noticing the way she leaned into his touch and wanting to take more even though he needed her words first.

“Because…?”

“Because I would never do that when I want someone else.”

In that moment Killian knew at last that the two of them were in this together. She hadn’t confessed her feelings, but her jade colored eyes told him everything that words couldn’t yet say. It meant the world to him to know this, but it also hurt to think that he’d prolonged their pain by avoiding her all this time. God, if he had just walked in a moment later he knew Emma would have sorted things out. He should have trusted Emma, should have believed that such a spark couldn’t exist between two people if one was truly taken with another, but fear had clouded his judgment. Now he had to let the fear go, and he had to be sure once and for all that Emma knew where he stood.

“Please let it be me,” Killian whispered as his hand cupped her cheek and Emma looked on the verge of tears as she nodded.

“It is you,” she said, and Killian felt triumphant. All he could think was that he needed to kiss her again, but something still plagued Emma’s mind. He could see her uneasiness, and he needed to know what it was so they could fix it and move on. Then the realization of what would cause her hurt slammed into him and he realized he was the one who had caused her lingering pain.

“But I’ve fucked things up,” he said solemnly. “I ran from you without so much as a word. I allowed myself to jump to every bad conclusion without trusting in you. How can you ever trust me – feel safe with me – if I couldn’t have faith in what we have?”

“I’m terrified,” Emma admitted. “Not that you’ll run again, because I know you won’t. You have that look of determination and I know what that means,” she joked, pulling a forced chuckle from Killian.

“And yet…” Killian prompted, needing to hear whatever this was so he could know how to properly make amends.

“It’s just I fell so fast for you I wasn’t prepared when things got bad. I always keep people at a distance. If they can’t get close they can’t hurt you. I have my walls and they work at keeping people away, but you broke them down. You made me love you and -,”

“You love me?” Killian asked, shocked at the revelation as Emma’s eyes went wide and she realized what she let slip.

“I – well I mean – well the thing is -,”

Killian could have waited to see what Emma’s nervous stammering turned into, but instead he chose to go with his gut, pulling her in for a kiss he’d wanted for far too long. It was the sweetest relief, not only to have Emma in his arms where she belonged, but to know beyond the shadow of a doubt that he was not in this alone. Emma might have been the first to say the words, but Killian loved her in a way that defied explanation. He’d be shocked if her feelings could possibly compare, but when they pulled apart and he saw the mix of hope and happiness in her expression, Killian dared to dream that maybe they could.

“It’s always been you, Emma. Even before we ever met, I was looking for something – for someone – who would help make all of this matter. And when I found you I knew, I knew that I loved you right from the start, and that I always will. You’ve changed me, love, and I know this has been a rocky beginning, but I swear to you that’s done now. You have all of me and that includes every ounce of my trust. I won’t doubt us again.  I promise you I won’t.”

“People will think we’re crazy,” Emma whispered, though she didn’t look so adverse to the idea. Her fingertips had come up to graze along his jawline and Killian leaned into the motion, craving her touch and living for the spark of excitement that lit up her eyes.

“Let them,” he replied. “It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. All that matters is what you want.”

“Well in that case…”

It was Emma’s turn now to pull him in for another heated exchange, and the kiss this time was charged with a pent up need both of them had been holding onto for what felt like forever. There was nothing more to say; this was love and it always would be, and now Emma and Killian were of a like mind, wanting to be as close as possible and to seal that love in the best possible way. Unfortunately, just as the kiss was pushing past the limits of propriety, with roaming hands and clothes coming dangerously close to falling away, a knock sounded at the door.

“All right you two, much as we all love the true love reunion we’ve got a show to do!”

Emma’s friend Ruby’s voice was filled with teasing as it filtered through the door and Emma rolled her eyes even as she laughed. It seemed the real world could not be put on hold indefinitely, and Ruby was right – there was a show just minutes away from starting.

“Not that we don’t appreciate you taking one for the team, Emma,” Graham said from where he must have been in the hallway as well. “He’s been a little Grumpy without his girl to keep him happy.”

“He is a lot brighter when they’re together,” David mused prompting Will to start suggesting new nicknames for him like ‘Captain Chipper’ and ‘Mr. Brightside.’ The onslaught of commentary made Killian groan.

“Bloody hell, how many of them are out there do you think?” he asked Emma, who was shaking her head as she chuckled to herself.

“My bet? All of them. And we should really go, because there’s no chance of them leaving until we do.”

“Fair enough, love. But just know this – tonight, when the final song is played and the night is finally through, you’re mine.”

“Good,” Emma said with a final swift kiss. “Because you’re mine too.”

And with that, the two of them faced the music, starting a new journey that both of them would come to cherish for now and always.

……………

Coming out of my cage And I've been doing just fine Gotta gotta be down Because I want it all It started out with a kiss How did it end up like this It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss Now I'm falling asleep And she's calling a cab While he's having a smoke And she's taking a drag Now they're going to bed And my stomach is sick And it's all in my head But she's touching his chest Now, he takes off her dress Now, letting me go I just can't look its killing me And taking control Jealousy, turning saints into the sea Swimming through sick lullabies Choking on your alibis But it's just the price I pay Destiny is calling me Open up my eager eyes Cause I'm Mr Brightside I'm coming out of my cage And I've been doing just fine Gotta gotta be down Because I want it all It started out with a kiss How did it end up like this It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss Now I'm falling asleep And she's calling a cab While he's having a smoke And she's taking a drag Now they're going to bed And my stomach is sick And it's all in my head But she's touching his chest Now, he takes off her dress Now, letting me go 'Cause I just can't look its killing me And taking control Jealousy, turning saints into the sea Swimming through sick lullabies Choking on your alibi But it's just the price I pay Destiny is calling me Open up my eager eyes 'Cause I'm Mr Brightside I never I never I never I never

Post-Note: So I have wanted to take this basic story idea and make it a multi-chapter for years now, but every time I get close to doing it another story always comes barging in. It’s because of that that I am really grateful to the reader who asked for this song about a year ago (God how did so much time pass?). This was a cathartic thing for me, and it allowed me to jump-start my muse and get other works written as well. Hope that you all enjoyed it, and also if you guys know of great AUs where Emma, Killian or both are in a band please let me know! I would LOVE to read more of this trope because it’s such a fun one! Anyway, thanks so much to all of you for reading and I hope you have a great rest of your weekend!

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9,Part 10,Part 11, Part 12,Part 13, Part 14, Part 15, Part 16, Part 17, Part 18, Part 19, Part 20, Part 21, Part 22, Part 23, Part 24,Part 25, Part 26, Part 27, Part 28, Part 29, Part 30, Part 31,Part 32, Part 33, Part 34, Part 35, Part 36, Part 37, Part 38,Part 39,Part 40, Part 41, Part 42, Part 43, Part 44, Part 45,Part 46,Part 47, Part 48, Part 49, Part 50, Part 51, Part 52, Part 53,Part 54,Part 55, Part 56, Part 57, Part 58, Part 59, Part 60,Part 61,Part 62, Part 63, Part 64, Part 65, Part 66, Part 67, Part 68,Part 69,Part 70, Part 71, Part 72, Part 73, Part 74, Part 75,Part 76,Part 77, Part 78, Part 79, Part 80, Part 81, Part 82, Part 83,Part 84,Part 85, Part 86, Part 87, Part 88, Part 89, Part 90,Part 91,Part 92, Part 93, Part 94, Part 95, Part 96, Part 97, Part 98,Part 99,Part 100, Part 101, Part 102, Part 103,Part 104, Part 105,Part 106, Part 107,Part 108, Part 109, Part 110,Part 111, Part 112,Part 113, Part 114, Part 115,Part 116, Part 117, Part 118,Part 119,Part 120, Part 121, Part 122, Part 123,Part 124, Part 125,Part 126, Part 127, Part 128,Part 129,Part 130, Part 131,Part 132,Part 133, Part 134, Part 135, Part 136, Part 137, Part 138,Part 139,Part 140, Part 141, Part 142, Part 143, Part 144, Part 145,Part 146, Part 147, Part 148,Part 149, Part 150, Part 151,Part 152, Part 153, Part 154, Part 155, Part 156, Part 157, Part 158,Part 159, Part 160, Part 161, Part 162, Part 163, Part 164,Part 165, Part 166, Part 167, Part 168, Part 169, Part 170,Part 171,Part 172, Part 173, Part 174, Part 175, Part 176,Part 177, Part 178, Part 179 , Part 180

[intolerablexsacrifice]

HEADCANON.  (cw for talk of homophobia, both societal and internalized. also i use the word ‘homosexuality’ a lot in case that bothers anyone; I just didn’t know what other word to use to help it flow better fkcnjfnfg bc ‘gayness’ didn’t seem to fit/work with the...wording. the word ‘queer’ is also used once or twice.

cw for some unhealthy mindsets re: sex during the second half, specifically related to dissociation during The Scene with miranda.)

EDIT: ALSO the things talked about here are why I tend to have Flint reject propositions unless I know the mun of the other muse very well. Since it can be argued that Flint may not be in a healthy mindset to be having sex if he consented (especially if he was drunk), I would obviously prefer to only write that with a mun who would a) be comfortable with such a potentially complicated issue and b) acknowledge its complexity and the potential problematic aspects it poses.

THIS GOT REALLY LONG (it’s... it’s over 1000 words long, Heaven help me) so I’m putting it under a cut, but it’s about:

1. Nassau’s leniency re: gay pirates 2. How Flint responds emotionally to all the rampant gay sex these pirates are having 3. How he reacts to propositions from other men

SO I was talking with a friend (hi Harri <3) about like... the widespread acceptance of homosexuality among the pirates of Nassau, both at sea and on the island itself. And naturally, things are far more lenient at sea because Necessity(TM) or whatever the fuck else (whether that’s genuinely what it is or whether that’s the excuse will vary between individuals, I’m sure), but it’s clear that homosexuality isn’t seen as a sin among the pirates/traders on the island. 

Canonically, we only actually have evidence for that among the women, because Black Sails never gives us any other mlm aside from James and Thomas: Max, Eleanor and Anne are never ostracized for engaging with other women. Although it’s clear that Anne suffers from internalized shame and the effects of compulsory heterosexuality, those are likely things that came from outside of/before Nassau that she carried there with her. 

Now, it could be argued that the inhabitants of Nassau aren’t actually more lenient of homosexuality- from the sources I’ve been reading for a dissertation lately, homosexuality between women wasn’t really punished in 18th century... whatever the fuck it was called at the time (the New World? whatever I don’t care about the history I’m sorry). Not to the extent or with the frequency that male-on-male homosexuality was, for sure (though even that wasn’t really punished as often or as severely as the law apparently should’ve dictated, with the death penalty being rare and floggings/exile being more likely- which would explain James’ “don’t be naive” comment, and Miranda’s insistence that political motive meant they could be hanged). It’s possible that it was a case of like “hmm well it’s women and there’s no penetration involved or pregnancy so it doesn’t count!” nonsense or whatever the fuck else. 

BUT I’m going to argue against that, because fuck that, and I genuinely don’t think canon gives us any evidence that there wouldn’t be acceptance of male-on-male homosexuality in Nassau considering the complete lack of any adverse reactions to it among the pirates. Like, even with that one guy who’s like “:/ listen I’m gonna go fuck Charlotte or I’m gonna fuck you”, there’s no ‘ew that’s gay’ comment/joke, it’s just kind of like “i see your point, go have fun with Charlotte”. 

I’d argue that the Puritan farmers/etc of the interior are most likely against homosexuality based on how Pastor Lambrick or w/e his name acts after he literally seeks Miranda out to fuck her - but the pirates and traders in the street, and on the beach? Nah son.

ANYWAY I’VE KIND OF BEEN TALKING FOR LONG ENOUGH let me get to the fuckin’ point I wanted to make: how Flint reacts to all the gay sex his crew are having onboard.

Because like... that’s absolutely happening, right? Someone literally fucks a goat on the ship, there’s no g-ddamn way they aren’t also fucking each other (thank you Harri for pointing that out). And they’re at sea, and situational homosexuality is a thing even if the men are otherwise straight or whatever the fuck. So one way or another, there are men fucking on the ship. There are men fucking on the island. There’s matelotage (whether it’s actually used between partnered queer couples or not). There are canon WLW couples whose relationships are acknowledged by other people, and I choose to believe the same applies to MLM. 

Flint has internalized shame surrounding his love for Thomas. We know this. We know that it’s a small part of him- he still believes whole-heartedly that the rest of the world was wrong, that what he and Thomas had was good and right. It’s just impossible for that to be the whole of it- Flint could not come out of the trauma and exile he went through without some part of him being made to feel like a monster because of how he was treated, even though he knows that they were wrong. 

That shame, as well as his grief and guilt and trauma, is part of what prevents him from seeking out other men even though he could. Trauma/PTSD also adversely affected his libido in general as well as his capacity for building relationships, so it’s not like it’s something he feels like he wants to seek out (except for when he does, and then the guilt comes crashing back down on him). We don’t see him make advances on anyone in canon. The one person he does sleep with is Miranda, and I’ve talked before about how that’s not because of an attraction to her, nor do I believe it to be the case for her, either: they’re doing it because it’s their only connection to Thomas (again, thank you, Harri). The only way they can still love him is through loving one another. 

And unfortunately, to me, Flint is dissociating throughout that scene, at least to some degree, just as I don’t think Miranda wants to be sleeping with him so much as Thomas (hence why she then sleeps with Lambrick- he looks a lot like Thomas. That has to be intentional). I don’t think sex is something he does with a completely healthy mindset. Not just with Miranda - which is the point I’ve been trying to get to, because ultimately I think if Flint has had sexual contact with other men, he was either:

a) Drunk, which points to a bad mindset in itself as discussed in this headcanon post here b) Otherwise in a bad mindset/just kind of going with the flow//desperate and upset

So while Flint is obviously accepting of men being gay as hell on his crew, etc etc, there’s a bittersweetness that comes with that and there’s definitely an aversion to engaging in sexual contact with men himself. Harri asked me how he’d react to being propositioned by a member of the crew, and the answer is most likely that he would essentially shut down, reject them, and flatly conjure a story so that the two of them wouldn’t speak of it again (as he did with Kili when propositioned - he essentially told him ‘you’re drunk’, which he wasn’t, and ‘you’ve mistaken me for someone else’, which he hadn’t, so that they’d never talk about it).

Now part of this is because of all of the shame and guilt and trauma I’ve been talking about, buuut it’s also because there’s the chance that whoever’s propositioning him isn’t doing it because they like men, or because they like him. He has no interest in being someone’s physical gratification when, were they on land, they would choose a woman and be disgusted by the thought of being with a man. Flint left that shit behind (welcome to the Navy) the second he found Thomas, and he’s genuinely afraid of it happening again. He’s afraid of trusting someone like that--because there is a trust involved, even if it’s just a clumsy fumbling of hands in the dark--only to later realise that they’re not the same after all, that whoever he just slept with finds him monstrous. 

So he avoids that possibility at all costs. This has been my 1000+ word headcanon post about gay piracy thanks for coming to my TED talk.