#mydisimbility

[the-book-of-sims]

Can we just take a moment… *takes in a deep breath*

BECAUSE IT TOOK SO MUCH EFFORT NOT TO RUSH THIS LEGACY.

[the-book-of-sims]

"Happy birthday to my not-so-little M&M's! I may or may not be sobbing behind the camera right now. You two given me lots of trouble, worry, and heartache... But also so much love, compassion, and newfound patience. Having you two was a complete surprise, but a double blessing and I'm so thankful to have two beautiful boys that bring me so much joy... I was so scared that I'd lose you two when I got sick during my pregnancy... And my heart broke when I found out that you couldn't hear... I still blame myself because if I had never got sick, you two would be perfectly healthy... But everything happens for a reason.

In those ASL classes we attended as a family, I got to learn and be a part of such a beautiful culture that I never really knew that much about... We met so many new people with so many different backgrounds! Not only that, but you two have touched so many people's hearts, showing the love of Jesus in you, by being yourselves! Including mine... You two are perfect the way you are and I love you so much. God has huge plans for you two, and you already have such a huge testimony at just six years old! Just don't grow too fast, alright? Maybe stay six years old for a few more years and I'll be content, lol." ❤️ -Catherine

[the-book-of-sims]

"He grows faster than weeds, I tell you! I hate growth spurts!" 💔 -Catherine

[the-book-of-sims]

“Goldilocks is redyeing his roots today! He’s also due for a haircut and asked me to attend so he could have a shoulder to cry on, lol. He hates getting his hair cut because apparently he had a bad experience with getting his ear snipped! But I guess he’d rather have an ear cut off than have hair in his eyes, lol. Ah well, he’s always there for me so I went with him to help keep him calm. That’s what friends are for, right? After it was all said and done, it really wasn’t as bad as he thought it would be, no ear snippage or anything! He just slightly misses his ‘Thor-like’ hair but he’ll get over it, lol.” -Catherine

The hidden man bared his teeth and slammed his fist against the driver’s wheel as he watched the two blondes walk inside the hair salon. Why couldn’t he just leave her alone!

[the-book-of-sims]

“After Frederick’s haircut, we started walking back to my house when I started to feel a little sick to my stomach... Seeing Frederick get his haircut reminded me of the twins’ first haircut and how Scott wasn’t there to see it happen... All that brought back memories of a lot of ‘first’ things, like Joey’s first sign, word, and steps... How Scott would never get to see those huge events and milestones that his children accomplish the more they grow without him... He’s never even met his youngest son! My mind followed the trail down more ‘first’ things that flashed wildly through my mind... Our first date, our first kiss, our first house... You were my first everything, Scott... Honestly, it came out of nowhere. Walking back home was quiet enough for me to think... To actually process everything going on... And I got overwhelmed.

I probably scared Frederick half to death when I started sobbing out of nowhere. He was completely at a loss for words, so he just led me to a lake nearby and started skipping rocks. He told me whenever he got stressed or overwhelmed, he’d just go skipping rocks. Frederick was really good at it too! When he would skip a rock, it’d skip all the way to the end of the lake to the other side! While he was clearing out mud and rocks for flat stones to skip with, he told me how he had seven older sisters who were all gifted in all sorts of skills! They were all perfect, pristine, and clean-cut girls who had the potential (and ambition) to make it to the top of their careers. Frederick was the last born and only son... Who was... Extraordinarily average. He said he was pretty much average in everything except maybe skipping rocks. But you can’t get a doctorate in skipping rocks. You can’t be the CEO of skipping rocks. You can’t get a high salary in skipping rocks. You just skip rocks.

Frederick started sharing very personal things with me that would make anyone angry at people they never met before... The way that his parents treated him... The way that his sisters even treated him... It was no wonder that he struggled with the paralyzing fear of failure... It was no wonder that he struggled to prove himself. It all made sense! At this point, even Frederick’s eyes began to look a little puffy... His skipping rocks slowly skipped shorter and shorter distance until Frederick started tossing the rocks, then chucking the rocks, then hurling the rocks as hard as he could at the lake. When I tried to stop him from accidentally hitting the passing fishermen, he shoved me so hard that I got a few scratches on my hands and elbows in attempt to break the fall. It scared me that he had such an uncontrollable anger, but I also understood the fact that a lot of coal was fueling up that particular sort of fire... He didn’t throw anymore rocks after that. He got really embarrassed and kept apologizing for hurting me. It was okay though, I already forgave him! How could I be mad? He was broken too, just in a different way, and I know that anger wasn’t meant to be taken out on me. I just hope he doesn’t take it out on anyone else.

Mini-trigger warning: this paragraph talks about God, so if you rather not read about God and/or don’t believe in God, skip over this paragraph.

After the lake, I asked if we could walk to my old address. The very first house that Scott and I got together... With the help of Syracuse, of course, since he insisted it was his gift to us for our soon-to-be wedding. It was such a beautiful house... It was only one floor though with a very high ceiling for an artistic effect. I loved it though, even though there wasn’t enough room for twins. It was a place where Scott and I learned how to live life together... It helped us get use to the real world. It was... Our starting point. Going back, I would have had a panic attack knowing that I’d go through all this... But... I wouldn’t change it. Everything happens for a reason. I crack and fall apart, but I have so much more faith in God today than I did back then. I’m still growing too! God has helped me so much... Through just about everything! I don’t think I would have seen, or appreciate, how much God works in my life if I hadn’t been pushed to my limits. Dare I say, break my limits! But God is always faithful. I’ve also been shown the effects of bitterness, like today... I could either let the bitterness control me and frustrate me, or give it to God and ask for His help to forgive and move on. I know I’m a failure and a hypocrite. I accepted it. I even failed this morning to have faith, much like Peter when he let himself get distracted by the tumultuous storms and waves around him... He sank in the water instead of looking to Jesus with faith that Jesus will protect him from that overwhelming storm... I’m a failure when I try to handle it on my own. However, I’m not a failure when I have God by my side to protect me. I just have to look to Him. I forget that sometimes... I forget that a lot... But today was a good reminder. And I’m so thankful for that reminder...

I guess I was staring for a while because by the time my thoughts settled down and the waves subsided, I noticed Frederick waving a hand in front of my face. I hope he wasn’t doing that for very long... He asked if I was okay and if we needed to go, but I told him I was alright. He looked a little uncomfortable though, as if he wasn’t asking for my sake but for his own sake. Perhaps memories overwhelmed him also, and his mind was still combating the waves... If that was the case, I don’t want him to suffer any longer. I wish I could help him get rid of that guilt he’s carrying, but he has a strong, influential past... It’s not something a person can just clear out and forget in one day. Instead, it was best to just keep busy. Helping others is the best medicine to clear the mind. It takes focus off self and shifts it to the needs of others. Helping others without focusing on oneself shows so much love to others that sometimes that same selfless love is returned in a chain reaction. That’s what Frederick needs right now. He needs that selfless love and care for his well-being. I gave one more long look at the house, then turned around. It was time to go... And I wish I could have stayed longer, but at least I got to go down memory lane for a bit... Once Frederick caught on that we were leaving, he followed in pursuit until I took a wrong turn. I wasn’t ready to go back home just yet... I told him that it would be best to stop for some ice cream first, my treat.” -Catherine

[the-book-of-sims]

Trigger Warning! I know not everyone believes in God, it’s okay if you rather not read this, I understand and I still love you. ❤️

“Mommy, what are you doing?”

I jumped, grabbing my bible before it had a chance to slip off my lap. I checked to see if my bookmark had fallen out before whirling around to face the doorway. The twins are awake? I could have sworn I tucked them in to nap ten minutes ago… They should have been completely out by now! I usually took the opportunity to do devotions during nap time or early in the morning when the house was quiet and peaceful.

At first, I was a little irritated because I was really looking forward to that quiet time with God, but something pricked at my heart… My boys were genuinely curious! Even if they seem a little young to understand, there’s no harm in answering their questions.

“Spending time with God.” I signed with a tired smile, slipping off the cushions into a crouch as Mitchell tugged Michael forward with boldness. Michael appeared nervous in stature, but his expression revealed a familiar curiosity.

“Why do you spend time with God?” Both eyes were burning into mine as they waited for a response. For some reason, I couldn’t formulate the words although I knew the answer. A part of me was unbelievably nervous… What if they didn’t understand? They’re my own children, and I couldn’t bare the thought if… But… It’s their choice.

It’s Jesus that knocks on the door of their heart, and it’s their choice whether or not to let Him in. Whether or not I somehow confuse them more, God can lead someone else to them when they’re older. My job is to plant the seed, and if I’m lucky, I might even get to water those seeds and watch them grow. However, there’s no guarantee. Whatever happens, I know God’s watching over them. God will reach out at the perfect time.

“I spend time with God because He’s my best friend… Did you know that God created the whole entire universe? Even you, and me!” Their eyes grow huge, and they share a glance at each other in awe. Michael then began wiggling his fingers, trying to think of the next word to sign.

“How do you talk to God? God is far away, yes?“

“God is far away, all the way in heaven! But that’s okay because all I have to do is pray and He hears me!” This time they both looked troubled.

“Mammy, does God know sign language?” This question caught me off guard. Each innocent question was getting closer to the ultimate one, and I wasn’t sure if they were ready… If I was ready! God, please give me the right words to say!

“He sure does, sweets… He knows everything!” Relief floods on both of their faces, and mine also. I didn’t feel as worried this time… Like God answered and was right by my side with a gentle hand on my shoulder.

“Can we be friends with God too?”

“They’re young, yes, but their hearts were ready, even if I wasn’t. It was alright though, because God helped give me the words to say. I kept telling myself that if they didn’t understand the verses, I would need to stop… But for some reason, it just clicked with them. God gave them understanding!

Psalms 34:17 - [The righteous] cry, and the LORD heareth, and delivereth them out of all their troubles. (KJV)

Now we have two more souls entering heaven, and I couldn’t be more blessed. I’m so thankful… I honestly needed that reminder. Sometimes I forget how good God is when all I do is focus on the problem that isn’t getting solved right away… But I know better. I shouldn’t be worrying in the first place. I should be thankful for what God’s doing for me right now! God’s got me. He hears my prayers…” ❤️ -Catherine

[the-book-of-sims]

“Well speaking of the little angel… Look who came over for a play date! It’s little miss Olyver Peters, Angie’s daughter!” -Catherine

Trigger Warning! I know not everyone believes in God, it’s okay if you rather not read this, I understand and I still love you. ❤️

“Mitchell looks so proud of Michael being social, oh my goodness! Honestly, I’m proud too. At four years old (almost five!), he’s already wanting to tell everyone about his new best friend, Jesus!

Before I took the group photo, I had to counsel this little four year old over one of the hardest things that we have to endure sometimes. Olyver was very attentive to what Michael had to say about Jesus but she didn’t really understand why she needed to be saved. She said that she was good enough to make it to heaven and listened to her daddy talk about Jesus all the time! Michael just about threw a tantrum so I had to pull him aside as fast as I could. I told him that not everyone will believe in Jesus right away, and some never will. He did a good thing and his words were not in vain. I told him that he planted a seed in her heart and maybe one day that seed will be watered by someone else and it’ll grow! Michael felt a little better but I could tell he was still bothered by the whole situation… I told him we could pray for her everyday, but also to avoid pressuring her because it’s her choice whether to believe or not. After giving him a hug and kiss, he was willing to play again. Bless his little heart, I hope he never loses that spark…” -Catherine

Collab with @simmingonahill ❤️

[the-book-of-sims]

“Here’s another hello from Frederick, the selfie maniac! This week has been fairly good work-wise so he decided to drop by once again. Unfortunately, it’s been busy for me with the daycare so I asked if he’d like to stay around and play with some of the babies since he’s so good with my boys!

Frederick accepted right away, just as I suspected. He loves kids! However, the moment one of the moms came over to drop off her little baby girl, he had to excuse himself… It really worried me because he appeared so excited to help out! What changed his mind?

Mini-trigger warning: story below is related to murder and loss of family.

Turns out, the first mother that came was the younger sister of one of the women that was missing and found dead… She told me that she might be late in picking up her daughter since she didn’t know what time she’d be back from the funeral but I told her it was no problem. I can't even imagine the pain she must feel... Helping her in watching her daughter was the least I could do to lift some of the burden off her shoulders…

Frederick later told me how that when he saw her, his heart just broke… He’s on that case too, but as a police officer since they already have a full-time detective on duty. He didn’t want to show his face since he feels like he failed her… Once again, guilt is such a huge hindrance to his daily life and all I can wonder is what else is holding him back? What else is he blaming himself for? Is he trying to prove himself to be worthy by helping my family? What if he can’t and he blames himself again? I’m trying to be sensitive about it, but he can’t keep blaming himself… I’ve been there.” -Catherine

[the-book-of-sims]

“It’s about time the boys got a haircut! If I blink one more time, they’d have hair as long as Rapunzel! Michael wasn’t very happy about getting a haircut though. He tried to steal the scissors while the stylist was washing Mitchell’s hair! I guess he wanted to cut his own hair all by himself, lol.

But just look at my handsome duo! Although Michael was pretty upset he couldn’t cut his own hair, I think he’s pretty pleased with how it turned out, lol.

I’m glad they like the new style... They wanted the short hair from one of the photos they found of their daddy while I was looking through old photo albums... I’ve gotta say, God... You gave me such beautiful boys... And I’m so thankful...” ❤ -Catherine

[the-book-of-sims]

Trigger Warning! I know not everyone believes in God, it’s okay if you rather not read this, I understand and I still love you. ❤️

“Mammy?” It was Michael beckoning me to the boys’ room. I could tell by the way the voice lingered within his throat, and the way he pronounced my ‘second’ first name. Mammy… What a sweet, tender word. It was more than enough to stop me at the stairs and gather my full attention.

“Yes, sweets?” I responded with short signs, even though he could read my lips fairly well now.

Instead of scurrying to me, he urgently waved for me to come to the room and then he slammed the door. So it’s a secret now? I cracked a grin and strolled to the door, slipping inside like a spy on a mission. Michael looked very pleased that I did too.

Michael took largely animated tip-toes toward the bunk bed then mounted himself upon the pale teal comforter. He peeked at me through the ladder bars when I followed him, and he let out a loud, contagious giggle.

“Big secret?” I signed to him, exaggerating the word big by extending my arms as far as possible. He continued his fit of giggles for quite a while, his cheeks turning a lovely pink as he hugged his brother’s pillow.

“Yes, yes!” He signed to me vivaciously, flopping the pillow back against the headboard. Michael waited (impatiently) for me to seat myself beside the bed before continuing, “Jesus in my heart, I want to share! With…” He hesitated, wiggling his fingers for the right letter to spell. “Pretty girl!” He gave up quickly since the name didn’t come to him in time and his excitement couldn’t wait.

“Pretty girl?” I questioned, my mind fluttering through pictures of the many adorable toddlers I had in my daycare. His countenance fell when I continued to look puzzled, but then instantly popped up again.

“Mammy, red hair! Pretty girl with red hair!” It finally hit me. He was talking about Olyver Peters! His eyes sparkled and he started to clap when recognition flashed across my face.

“Ohh, that pretty girl? That’s Olyver Peters, sweets. You want to share Jesus with Olyver?” He nodded quickly, gleefully clutching and stretching the collar of his shirt.

“Yes, mammy, yes! Jesus in my heart, I want to share with Oly.” By the letter y, his fingers jumbled up the next three letters, unable to contain his excitement. My heart swelled for my baby, and I couldn’t wait to call Angie and tell her all about it! So much has happened in the last hour and I wasn’t sure if I could handle it all without breaking down in hysteria.

“I will call them right now and see if Olyver can come over tomorrow. Thank you for asking me, sweets! I love you!”

“I love you, mammy!” He leaped from the bed and into my arms in a big, warm hug. Tears began to cloud my eyes from euphoria, so much that I squeezed him until he started to squeal and squirm. “Done, mammy! I wanna go play now!”

I laughed, letting go to wipe my tears and watch him scramble out the door. I’m so proud of him… The moment he disappeared, I pulled out my cellphone and dialed Angie’s number, unable to stop grinning like a giddy fool. So, so proud…

@simmingonahill ❤️

[the-book-of-sims]

“Hello from Joey and Frederick! Frederick was nearby and decided to drop in to see how I was doing. He told me how that the department has been swamped lately because of the most recent case but he would try to do a deeper study on our lead once he has some free time.

I told him he didn’t have to, especially since he’s already stressed with a serious workload, but he insisted... I’m so thankful that he cares so much about Scott but I can’t help but wonder why Scott never really talked about him? I’ve heard of Frederick and even met him at a cookout where Scott introduced us! But I didn’t realize how close they were until now. Especially since Frederick would be willing to lay his life on the line to find him!

I hope he doesn’t feel guilty and that’s the only reason why he’s helping me... It’s almost as if he feels like he is the reason why Scott’s missing. Maybe that’s why he always wants to help me with the kids when he comes over, especially Joey... He just looks so much like Scott... If that’s the case, that seriously breaks my heart... I don’t want him to help me and lose his mind with work just because of guilt. It’s not his fault...” - Catherine

[the-book-of-sims]

“This isn’t healthy for you or your boys, Cat…

Your babies need you! You spend hours searching instead of being there for your boys. You once said that if he was still alive, God would take care of him and bring him back. So why are you wasting time? God doesn’t need your assistance. Why don’t you trust God to take care of him anymore? God has Scott… You need to focus on your babies. They already lost a father, Cat. Don’t make them orphans too…” -Dakota

Trigger Warning! I know not everyone believes in God, it’s okay if you rather not read this, I understand and I still love you. ❤️

Dear God,

Please forgive me for being so irritable lately… I feel absolutely awful for walking out on Dakota because what she said is completely true… I really haven’t been trusting you! Please forgive me for not trusting in you to take care of Scott… I really needed that reminder… I’m so stubborn, God… I know I need to apologize to Dakota, but I’m really struggling… She hit such a sensitive topic with me that I’m honestly still kind of upset… Maybe I just need to cool down a little before talking to her… Please take away the bitterness in me and help me to humble myself to sincerely apologize to her. Thank you so much for being there for me and taking care of me even when I’m impossible… Sometimes I wonder why you haven’t given up on me yet, but I’m so so thankful you haven’t either! I love you, Lord… In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen!

[the-book-of-sims]

“The boys are back from their play-date just in time to see their little brother start standing and walking! Look how proud they are! In celebration, I’m making some sweet treats for my boys to enjoy… Cookies!” ❤ -Catherine

[the-book-of-sims]

“The twins have a play-date with one of the regular daycare children today, so it’s just Joey and I right now. It’s nice to get some one-on-one time with my youngest since the twins like to steal my attention by getting into mischief. The only time I really get to spend with him is feeding him, changing his diapers, and lugging him around the house on my hip while doing chores… Not gonna lie, I spent a lot of time doing research that I could have spent with Joseph… So I’m thankful that Dakota said something… Because, and I’m embarrassed to say this but, I saw so much today that I never really noticed before…

Joseph is a quiet baby. He’s quiet and likes to people-watch. I already knew this, but what I didn’t realize was that… from his people-watching, he was also watching how the twins and I communicate. We didn’t use our voices very much, so Joey didn’t either! Occasionally, I would catch him waving his arms, and waggling his fingers to mimic the way we signed. However, I rarely had time to teach him many signs except for the basics… But the twins had time. So whenever they’d catch Joey trying to sign, they’d adjust his little fingers or repeat the sign to Joey correctly until he did it right (or came close, lol). Michael would get frustrated sometimes, but Mitchell enjoyed watching Joey try to sign!

I’m honestly so proud of the twins for being such good big brothers and teaching Joseph how to sign… I can’t help but regret how selfish I’ve been with my time. But this time, I can change.” -Catherine

[the-book-of-sims]

"These two are growing so fast...

Chasity heard about Angie's daughter, Frankie, ( @simmingonahill ) getting saved because of Bible camp and really wants to send Kimmie to Sonrise Ranch also! But... She's a little worried that Kimmie will want to come back home the first day... She's hardly ever away from home and there have been instances at multiple sleepovers where Kimmie would have a huge meltdown and beg to go home. We're just gonna have to pray that God's will be done... Whether she goes or not, everything will be okay." ❤ -Catherine

[the-book-of-sims]

“Mitchell Everett, Michael Elliott, and Joseph Alexander… My three musketeers… Without my little boys, my life would be so empty!" ❤ -Catherine