#my wisdom tooth still harms me everyday

[tamagotchikgs]

i feel extra awful today n weak and i went downstairs n both my mom and my sister the first thing they said when they saw me was that i look pale o(-< whihc i dont even know how they can tell when i am literally always some form of purple

[cattywh0mpus]

This is the most personal thing I have ever fucking posted anywhere and I hope this gets buried quick but also iduno maybe other people will relate and it’ll help them maybe or make them worse i am going to regret this the second I hit post 

Ps- nobody freak out I am like, safe and not in danger lmao just fyi 

TW: so many. Uh angst, mention of self harm, implied suicide/death, lots of very bad profanity, depression, anxiety, bad poetry, abuse of rhyming scheme, rhyming best with best, way too long, dude don’t read this

I have things to do, a whole list of things I wanna do inside my head and none of them are this stupid poem, and it fills me with such dread Because it’s well into the evening and I’ve yet to leave my bed And I know that I’ll still be fucking tweaking this at 3am instead Of fucking sleeping or drinking water or taking any of my meds And I’ll keep doing it for 15 years until I’m fucking dead because

My brain is a bastard. My brain is a creep. It haunts me in the daytime, but sometimes it doesn’t when I sleep And I would sleep maybe forever if it wasn’t for this fucking spark That forces me to think of pretty things and lanterns in the dark And things I could be fucking making, frogs and gardens and dumb art Please God, it’s not what I begged for, I didn’t want to build this ark But I know without it, I would fucking drown in piss and fall apart

My brain is an asshole. My brain is a cunt. But please don’t let the language scare you, i’m just putting up a front Because I’m a lot more sad than angry and a lot more “used to it” than sad And my only outlet is the things I make although they’re fucking bad And I try to offer it some better things, with better outcomes to be had it slaps them out of my fucking shaking hands, it’s obsessions ironclad I just wanted to be healthy, helpful, and do things with my fucking dad but

My brain is a monster. My brain is a freak. It’s supposed to be a tool I use, but instead it’s using me Piloting me like a god damn gundam made out of bones and fucking meat And I’m powerless to stop it, though I kick and bite and scream Or I used to, I fucking swear I did, but now I mostly lay around and dream Of a day when I can do the things I like without injesting fucking speed

My brain is a liar, but fucking so am I. I craft such stupid fucking stories for me to crawl under and hide (somehow more believable than the truths I tell, how and fucking why?) I’m so embarrassed by it’s actions, I need to believe they aren’t mine It’s my brain, that son of a bitch, making me out to be a bad, bad guy Making my chest and heart and lungs get tied up in it’s vicious lies Forcing my mouth to spout such bullshit and waterboard my fucking eyes Sometimes I honestly believe it’s honest, and not a coward in disguise It’s last name is Puzzle, it’s all a game to it, shame and panic is the prize

My brain is a shit. My brain is a turd. It convinces me I’m dumb and mute whenever I’m desperate to be heard Sometimes I feel like a prisoner, a fat cow separated from the herd I’d do anything (that i’m able) to be the cage around the bird I need to fucking rebel, so I promise I won’t write another fucking word

...BUT MY BRAIN’S A FUCKING SHITEATING COCKSUCKING PRICK because my brain’s a fucking cannibal and it makes me fucking sick I want to tear it out by it’s ugly fucking stem and smash it with a brick No more executive dysfunction, no more confusion, no more fucking tricks Just the thought of being fucking rid of it gets me so fucking slick But my mommy would be sad, so you win this round, you fucking dick

But one day you’ll be a goner, a rotting, ruined mass So one day when no one’s looking, you had better watch your wrinkled ass And less and less people are watching, so you better think fucking fast Before I put your hippocampus in a headlock, and your neocortex in a cast There’s one thing I’m fucking certain of, your reign won’t fucking last Because thank god nothing is permanent, even this will come to pass And then we’ll be like all the other graveyard corpses, fucking normative at last

...Okay, listen brain I’m sorry. Maybe that was too intense? But you’re making me so fucking stupid, you make me make no fucking sense I’ve tried so hard to fucking work with you, to compromise, hence The doctors appointments and the pills and everything at great expense But you make me miss all my appointments and forget to take my meds And what’s the point of the watch that reminds me if you are too fucking dense To remember to put it on in the mornings, you make everything so tense Just like you strain my boyfriend’s wallet with every wasted fucking cent And sometimes it feels like none of it has even made a fucking dent Because my wisdom tooth is still rotting and my funny bone is spent My brain is the worst fucking tenant, and it doesn’t even pay the rent

My brain is a failure, but my brain tries it’s best. To distract me from the everything, to give me fucking rest But all it really does is hinder me, I’m never at my best. It thinks it’s doing something good for me, but i’m not fucking impressed The days go by so fucking quickly and I’m just as quick to fucking forget Every memory like busted christmas lights, a tangled useless mess Something that once brought such happiness but now it’s just a pest I need an exterminator in my synapses, because they’re a fucking rat’s nest I haven’t seen my friends in so so long, It puts our friendship to the test But I never wanted to fucking test them, I just want this shit to end I need a coping mechanism on which I can actually depend I’ve lost my appetite for grief eating, my emotional support animals were hens But bandits slaughtered them for funsies, so now it’s just an empty pen And I was never one for self harm, though I tried it way back when But now every time I see the burn, I have to think of it again? Which seems counter fucking productive.. hey, do you think you maybe can Stop me from doing all this fucking rambling? Though it’s been tried by better men...

I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry, but I can’t speak for it I’m not sure if it is sorry, cuz it’s such a fucking tit But I am trying to be better, and I won’t hate you if you split Because I wish I could bail everyday, and I don’t wanna be a hypocrite I’ll still love you, i’ll still love you, (if i remember you that is) And I’ll keep wishing every day that I can find the strength to fucking quit. Every day, every minute, holy shit.

[wonderland-irwin]

I get my wisdom teeth out in a couple weeks I’m so scared

Warning: talks of actual medical proccedure. I don’t know if this could be harmful to anyone reading it, so I just put this in case.

Can I share what they did to me today? It’s not that bad, tbh. I’ve had an oral surgery before so I knew what to expect, it was just a previous incident that worked me up.

First of all, are you being put out?

I was put to sleep for my surgery, and it wasn’t too bad. It was only because I had an emergency room visit to the hospital after I passed out two years ago that I got really freaked out. There were some flash back moments for me, but the nurses were really good and reassuring. They talked me through each step.

They put laughing gas on my nose first, which helps to relax you. And they hook you up to a heart rate monitor. I got a tube in my arm so they could put medicine and fluids into me to knock me out and ease some of the pain. They also took blood pressure. The oral surgeon I went to allowed me to bring my mum back with me during the prep process, and it was comforting having her there, so if you have someone you trust and feel comfortable with, it helps.

I went into surgery at 8:30. My mum left the room around 8:45, and by 9:15 they had returned to the waiting room to tell her my surgery was complete. I got all four of my wisdom teeth pulled. The bottom left one didn’t really need to be pulled as it was already through and properly in place, but he took it out because it could get hard to keep clean. The tooth above it was 3/4 of the way through and slightly crooked, so he pulled that one too. My top right wasn’t through and he pulled that, and he also pulled the lower right tooth. The teeth on the left came out easily and so did the top right I believe, but the lower right was practically touching my jaw bone and if left longer could damage the nerve or my jaw bone and so it was pulled.

The recovery is a little sore, especially on the right side by my jaw, which is understandable. My face has been numb for most of the day, I’m in hour fifteen and my right cheek and ear still feels numb. There’s a little bit of swelling and bruising, which is to be expected. I actually have been really lucky to not have too much weeping from my stitches. Eating has been awkward. My bottom lip felt really fat, even though it wasn’t, and I would dump apple sauce on it and then wonder why I wasn’t swallowing, lol. The stitches are a little weird, I won’t lie, and my mouth hurts to open, again because of that jaw bone incident. The left side of my face feels rather normal, the right side feels tender.

If you’d like you can message me anon. It’s a procedure that might be a little scary to go into, and the recovery is a lil tough, but it’s truly very much worth it if it means you won’t be in pain, and your teeth won’t damage any of the surrounding teeth or bone.

It’s also something that surgeons and doctors do everyday, and they know from your X-Rays exactly what to do. It will be absolutely fine anon. You are strong, I believe in you. It’s ok to be scared and nervous, go to your happy place as they start the procedure, and try to think of the ice cream and chilling you get to do afterwards. I binge watched Phineas and Ferb today haha. They also gave me prescriptions to reduce pain and swelling as well as a medicine to prevent infection which is good to take.

It’ll all be okay, anon. I was terrified, and I feel much better now it’s over with 💛💛

[ppaulroyy]

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[oneweekoneband]

Thinking forever consists of seeing relationships: Art, which from this point of view is matured play, forever consists of the expression of relations through images (symbols), which sometimes actually intensifies the recaptured experience or object by pruning it of all except the essential.

—Lucy Sprague Mitchell, Young Geographers: How They Explore the World and How They Map the World

I remember sounds like that from my childhood,   laughter for no cause, simply because the world is beautiful, something like that.

—Louise Gluck, “Vita Nova”

Had I come in to teaching with any romantic illusions about childhood, two years of first grade and two months of second would have washed them clean out of me. As it happens, I disliked childhood often when I was in it, for reasons having as much to do with a precociously intense temperament as with the very real boogeyman under my bed from the start. Even so, I’ve been amazed at the everyday slings and arrows of being a small and unpracticed human: the untied shoelaces and too-tight lunch containers, the fights and misunderstandings, how difficult it is to explain to a group of six-year-olds how to do literally anything in such a way that will result in most of them actually doing it, the loose and lost teeth, the horrifying array of things they will put in their mouths, the lack of understanding around personal space, the crying, oh god, the crying. Here is an incomplete list of things my students have cried about in the last two-odd years: people were looking at them funny, they didn’t get a turn, they spent too long trying to pick a game at recess and had hardly any time to play, someone said Frozen was for babies, they got stuck on a math problem, someone else got hurt, they couldn’t think of a way to help their community because everything is so good, they missed their mom, their tooth was very wiggly, a parent was five minutes late for pick-up, they accidentally hurt someone giving the cootie shot, they thought they were going to sit next to best friend but they were wrong, they—and this is verbatim—“just didn’t sleep well last night.”

Being a little kid is hard. Teaching at a very expensive private school, populated by some of the luckiest and most materially secure kids on the planet, has only emphasized for me how hard it is for everyone. Which is another way of saying: the project of becoming a person is inherently difficult. There are so many lessons you have to learn. We teach them to be better readers and writers and mathematicians, but we also try to teach them things like: How to keep trying when it is hard. How to know when you need a break. How to find what will help you learn. How to apologize, how to be kind.  How to distinguish between a little problem and a big one. How to take care of one another and themselves.

There are some things, however, at which young children excel. Their minds are terrifically active, even if only occasionally in the directions in which we are hoping to pull them; they’re always making connections and asking questions, always learning something, even if it has nothing to do with what we’re trying to teach. And they are champions at living their truth. They don’t need to be talked into doing something they like; they will never pretend to be fine when in fact they are in pain. They don’t go around telling everyone it’s not that bad.

Growing up is tricky. You do need to learn to mediate between your reaction and your responses, between your feelings and what to do about them. You do need to understand what a little problem is, so you can save your strength for tackling the big ones. You can’t stomp through adulthood still failing to have world that the purpose of the world is not to cater to your needs.

But it’s possible to learn these lessons too well, to cross the line between steering yourself and denying yourself. You can learn that someone else’s voice is not just real but more important, more honest than yours. You can train your eyes so well on the desires of others that you lose sight of your own desires, your own worth. You can lose sight of what young children, even the most sullen and sad among them, know remarkably well: that actually joy is enough of a reason to do something—a silly dance, a colorful picture, a paper chain that stretches across the whole classroom.

I find this video, where Kesha recreates with abandon the inexpert and exuberant dancing of her child self, almost indescribably moving. Children are not better than adults and in many ways they are frequently worse. But I’ve come to believe deeply in the value of connecting with your child self, which is less about embodying the child you were and more about understanding the person you were as a child. Some days, teaching first grade, I would think in amazement, they’re such people!—small and confused and bad at many things but every single one of them already distinctly their own person, with their own gifts and their own struggles. Every single one of them, regardless of skill level, has their own artistic style, a unique poetic voice. It makes sense to me that this is the video Kesha would make for a song with the refrain I think it’s time to practice what I preach / exorcise the demons inside me: it’s time to live a life aligned with who she is, beneath all the shields she had to put up to survive. It’s time to evict the voices taking up room in her head, telling her lies about her own strength, and sing loud and wild enough to remember that she gets the first and last word on herself. You can keep the things you’ve learned about being kind and being resilient and breaking ties with those who mean you harm, the accumulated wisdom for which you have fought, and simultaneously work on unlearning the things that crept in there along the way, the untruths that kept you small, the blunt tools which can turn from something you need into something weighing you down. You can keep the petty slights and knee-jerk selfishness of childhood in the past where they belong, and still learn to resurrect some of its gifts: the sureness in the value of your own desires, the joy of plunging into a task with no reward except its own pleasure. The ease of movement, the eagerness to make something you like, just because. The laughter.

—Isabel

[potterleonn-blog]

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It might begin to feel grating like a job, yet it is still important. Keep in mind: having http://anunciosbr.22web.org/create-listing/?step=listing-preview&hash=9bb11fb46ffdb0ec1244 a healthy mouth isn't simply important for your face. Conjointly, it is imperative to the general health of your whole body. The entire physique is in higher health if you tend your teeth well!

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[docboots]

On Escaping Dragons

I have written quite a bit about pain, both in fiction and on my reality. We ponder and write as one of the many ways we attempt to justify and process all that happens to us, and for me, pain is a constant part of that equation. I have written about a lot of my troubles and there are still many I have yet to put down, be it from not getting to it or wanting to keep the full memory repressed. Unburying from around the fragments that like to sprout back up, from experience, just leads to more headache.

   With my disorder, everything has to be taken into consideration. Every stressor, every potential jab, every headache into a complex hypothetical equation. One of those equations you don’t quite have written out or structured, but your gut will give you an answer. I have to do this with every interaction. Consider the idea I was born with a rapidly-speaking dragon tethered to my soul.

If it is too stressful, my dragon will surface itself. The dragon that gnaws at my limbs and squeezes at my organs at a moment's notice. The dragon spewing controlled flames over the areas that flair and burn seemingly from the slightest stress, but then won’t appear when you attempt to replicate the circumstances to understand the disorder. The dragon you try desperately to understand, but it refuses. Imagine everyone had the potential to spew, out of nowhere, the stress no matter how mild that will spark it. That it could be literally anywhere, literally anything.

   It won’t even arrive immediately. The dragon waits. The dragon is patient, it doesn’t want you to be able to track its movements and avoid it. It doesn’t want you to understand it, it only wants you to suffer. It even found new ways to do so. All those attacks on your stomach taking its toll, having a hidden secondary effect that would come closely. The stomach acid washing over your teeth every few minutes on those horrid days not seeming to harm them at first, but as time goes on they crumble from the back forward. Chipping away and cracking new teeth as you try to enjoy your meal, exposing nerves so your every waking moment becomes an agonized nightmare. Your smile, though others say they hardly notice it, is not the smile YOU once knew. The smile you saw everyday of your life now stuck with lines.

   This is not decay, though it does allow decay to spread. This doesn’t always have warning. One night a tooth looks healthy, and the next? Half of it has come off as you try eating French Toast. The dragon doesn’t attack the body, it attacks the mind. Already knowing you have a crumbling self-worth from the demons of your childhood and teenage years, it strikes your self-worth. It leaves you paranoid, for you see it is smart enough not to take your front teeth first. It only takes one, like a warning. It doesn’t even take all of it, only half. Like a morbid before and after picture.

   Then the dragon takes your teeth from the upper back. Where the stomach acid arcs on its way out when you vomit with the violence the dragon desires. Like it is squeezing it out of your guts with a bear hug. One by one your teeth from the upper wisdoms forward crumble. The dentists tell you your insurance will not cover it, they quote you numbers that seem similar to sports cars than dentures or implants. You have to bite back the pain. You have to get used to it.

   Whether it is attacking you or not, the dragon whispers sweet nothings to you. Memories and quotes from your past that, like everything in your imagination, is detailed enough it is only one step away from your mind's eye. It convinces you that telling anyone would force their perceptions of you to become closer to your own, which the dragon has made certain isn’t sturdy with its rapid-fire commentary.

    Now imagine you are fighting with this dragon one day. Let lift the veil of metaphor and get real. Picture a teenage me. I know it was sometime after I was 18, and I hadn’t started smoking cigarettes until then. I specifically remember my first encounter with pot to include a cigarette, but this isn’t about my first time. This is about when I found out Pot was magic. Stay with me now, I am not going to “hippy talk”, and if you consider it that... Well, I hope my explanation might help break down that backwards belief.

   All I want is peace. All I want is for my life not to be endless agony. I do not speak merely of mental anguish. Real, burning, physical pain. Complete with seeing your body shift and morph. Your hand swells to a hand-shaped blob that can’t flatten into a palm nor curl into a fist. Frozen like a statue, surrounded by an inflatable glove or pulsing, throbbing pain. Not just on my hand. If it can swell, the dragon can find it. The dragon can mold it.

    Imagine a young adult. Body attempting to curl itself into the fetal position with every body spasming heave. This isn’t typical vomiting, my entire body wants what is clogging my gastrointestinal system out. The problem? It is a portion of that system. Swollen and molded by the dragon. It can puke out every little drop from my stomach, it can heave until all the energy I gathered from that food is spent. It forces me to erupt in heaves that sound like someone is shoving their fist down the throat of a banshee. It forces me to understand the minute details of dehydration, make me delirious in fatigue. My body would tremble through the process and feel like I am in a freezer from the combination of the sweat clinging to my skin and my lack of energy. It is a unique cold. The cold of having no energy for your body, which you are used to pumping out an odd amount of heat, to keep a normal body temperature. Least, that is what it feels like. I have been the colds of Tahoe, I have fallen into a frozen lake... And nothing quite matches this cold. It isn’t colder, it isn’t cold to the bone like ice water. It isn’t an empty cold like depression.

    You are frigid to the soul and every inch in between. Possibly because, at that moment, you truly feel that nature hates you. As pain like you never felt radiates from the swollen cluster that makes your belly mildly bloat, you feel like a god is stabbing you with every spasm. You can feel the blade of pulsing flesh churn in your guts with every dry, spittle spraying upchuck. You have prayed and cursed to EVERY major deity you had heard about. Being a fan of mythology since I was a child, I had a MASSIVE catalog of them. I even tried Nyarlethotep.

   Having been taught the wonders of crazy by Susan, my..grandmother/mother-through-adoption, when they did not answer the first year or so (specifically while curled up in the emergency room the first time this happened.) you switch to cursing all these gods. Being the weirdo I am, I am also thought-cursing these deities while simultaneously apologizing for not knowing their language. So I can properly smack talk their asses.

   Imagine a friend of yours, that pot-smoking friend everyone has, offering you something that might help. He doesn’t offer it with the hissing smile and wily eyes D.A.R.E. tried to claim. It was a concern. It was genuine, somewhat frazzled, concern. So I did.

   The first puff of pot and the pain began to subside. It never went away, even with all the puffs, but instead of feeling like I had a lost chestburster in my stomach, it now felt more like as healing punch to the gut. Better yet, my nausea cleared up IMMEDIATELY. Not mild nausea either. This was a motion-sick child forced onto a gravitron kind of nausea. This was world turning nausea. GONE.

   I COULD DRINK WATER, GUYS. This sounds simple, but the dragon attack would last for days. The time I went to the hospital and had to stay there? Doc said I was a day away from death by dehydration. I was 15 or 16. There was, at that time, no medication that worked. There were other things, but the pills didn’t work well, threatened my liver, and would be useless if I vomited them up. I am trying medication now, but I only learned about it a couple months ago. Given the manufacturing issues and how I haven’t received my preventative still, only notes saying it has been delayed, I am not putting faith in it saving my life.

    As time went on, I learned that not only did it assist with my symptoms when swelling, it made my symptoms clear up quicker. Episodes that could last a week or a month (depending on how much the situation was affecting me) now lasted one or two days. If they even happened, because I noticed the more I smoked the less I swelled up.

   But what about the mental side-effects? You may ask. Well, I noticed something else. I wasn’t losing focus, I was GAINING IT. You see, I have ADHD. I used to, through my childhood and up until I was maybe 17 or 18, be medicated. Once I was an adult, suddenly, every shrink and pill-pusher I met REFUSED to give me ADHD medicine. Instead, they gave me anti-depressants that made my ADHD worse. Even told me that was a common side-effect, even if I went to them FOR MY ADHD. People refuse to prescribe for it. To diagnose it. TO EVEN FUCKING TREAT IT.

   ADHD sufferers often suffer from a lack of proper dopamine creation. Also known as the thing Pot helps you create. I had a LOT of trouble focusing. Not because I didn’t want to. Not, I REALLY wanted to. I wanted to focus on everything. Read everything. See everything. EXPERIENCE EVERYTHING.

  Or at least, my mind thought I did. I was both engaged and disengaged at all times. Smoke enough pot? I am not what I was like on ADHD medication, but I can write. I can focus on my thoughts better. I can push away the PTSD mental snowballs and flashbacks away and better mold them into my stories and characters. I can see my worlds clearer, I can interact with people better. I can see through the agony and the pain.

   I can be human again.

   So, why am I ranting about your blood disease and pot like this? Well. This has gone on a bit long so I will write that in my next post. My post on the fucking horror that the medical marijuana system is. A glorified subscription service pretending it has my health in mind.

   I would like to end this on the reason I kept describing my blood disease as a dragon. It wasn’t purely for metaphor, you see, people throughout my life have argued on pot and drugs. I am not saying everyone using them is good. No, I am talking about me as a fucking DISABLED American needing the only fucking thing I found that works for my problems, so far like magic.

   They say we are eternally chasing dragons when we smoke pot. I am afraid I am not, and never was. The high does not interest or appeal to me. When I smoke, I am not chasing dragons.

   I am trying to escape from them.

[ppaulroyy]

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