#my whole body is numbe
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We talk about how flirty Mulder is in season one, but we don’t ever talk about how culpable Scully is.
#txf#the x files#x files#msr#my gifs#xf gifs#dana scully#fox mulder#mulder#scully#season 1#I’m so drunk yo#was gonna post this earlier but tumblr deep fried it#holy shit I wanna eat meat#deep fried chicken sounds so good right now#I haven’t eaten in like…28 hours#and I’m so fucking drunk#my whole body is numbe#I love the. x files so much
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they should invent a body that doesnt hurt
#oohhohho my whole body is like numb wahoo yipppee yeahh <- dw i am fine i have hot compress on me#hot compress save me#hot c#sunnysiderambles
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I can't believe Jayce was the one who created the Machine Herald
#and then got his ass summarily dumped#this whole time we were waiting for Viktor to make the choice and 'get rid' of his disabilities#instead the choice is taken from him and he wakes up to the horror and guilt of 'this is not my body'#i suspect he's gone mostly numb and lost a lot of emotional feeling too which is why he's able to leave Jayce in that moment#jayvik#arcane#arcane spoilers#he seems to have lost a lot more with this body#and really needs a sense of purpose to make up for that loss#he's gonna be stuck forever trying to make it up to Sky
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i was coming up the stairs and i hit my knee so hard i passed out
#i was able to get to the top before i did but only for the sheer will to not spill the bowl of corn i was carrying#but it was so difficult man i could feel my whole body going numb#all i could feel was the nausea#im still super weak but i checked it and somehow i hit it hard enough to break skin n bleed despite the fact they r carpet covered stairs#i am a danger only 2 myself HBJAJB
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I'm being so serious rn if I ever talk about doing another fringe festival run in the next like 3 years at least send me to fucking therapy. It is a cry for help. This is bad for me.
#im over halfway at least. but fucking christ.#ive barely seen anyone i care about for weeks. im hardly sleeping. im in knee braces and im still in pain.#13 hours a day of people yelling at me. the busiest ive ever seen public transport. eating the most random sporadic shit.#no hobbies. very few friends or family. crying twice a day. i still havent been paid. binding!! binding 7am til midnight!!!! daily!!!!!#my whole body hurts im physically mentally emotionally exhausted im desperately lonely im not doing the things that make me feel fulfilled#when my loved ones are free im either working or passed out in pain and exhaustion#the boss is enabling all sorts of bullshit yet again#im not able to be a person anyone i care about deserves to know#and that makes me not want to know me either#that is at least when i have enough fractions of a spoon left to feel anything at all except upset or numb#i NEED this all to be over#my next free day is my sisters 21st birthday next month my fucking baby sister is turning 21 and i dont know what to get her#i dont have a brain im not being!! a person worth knowing!!!!#my gran fucking fell the other day she's hurt ive not visited her in ages bc of work and finance i want to see my wee gran i want#to buy her ice cream and tell her i love her#i had to clean up an old guy who smashed his face on the pavement today and im just putting That trauma off til at least mid September#my BEST FRIEND gets MARRIED next week#and i can barely think about it because im on empty#im on below empty#they deserve so much better from me#im out. im not doing this again. not like this.
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Did you know I’m so swuishable and willing tk do anything you want hm? Did u know you could fold me in half n id moan into your mouth and cum all over you. Again and ahhin
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#hey whered this whole bottle go#shits GONE#cncmcmm#my bodys numb in the best way rn#gujuhhhhh#future me gonna kill me#im#god
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my heart is aching.
#i just dk. i feel bad. like. my heart truly truly hurts. i don’t even know why.#my whole body feels like sonething else. my hands do not support me and everything feels so bad.#like i dont know why but im feeling so bad#i might even cry at this point but#this feels something so awful a pain that is not leaving my heart at all. i can’t distract myself or feel better#the pain so bad that I feel numb. the book feeling so real now but. why.#why am i feeling awful. bad. sad. hurt.#nounou's beans
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#There was this VA that legit everyone goes mad over and I never got it#It had been a while since I last gave him a shot 😂#So~ he had released a masked Halloween strangers scenario#I was like~ if anything it gonna get me into him it’s this#Now… my whole body feels numb#I’m sweating#I’m shaking#He has risen to the tops of the list 😂🫠🫡#Goshhhhhhhh it was so good I can’t deal 🫠#My heart is pounding~ I might die
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i love cyberware. it's so intimate
#personal#it's so. versatile as a storytelling device and just as like. extension of yourself. there's so many things you can do with it#obviously there's the weaponry cybernetics like the mantis blades gorilla arms etc which already fucks on its own#because you can combine it with your oc's fighting style... like reid has a single mantis blade and a monowire#and he combines the two to land sickass combos in combat and it's FUN#then there's sooooo many options for medical cyberware but at the same time there's the whole cyberpsychosis risk that has to be#taken into account for stuff like that. but also you can think about how that would set in and how it can be prevented and all#cassidy has a lot of cybernetic bones to replace his own because a lot of them got shattered in a very bad accident he was in#mikhail has a spine replacement and protective plating to strengthen it#there's the obvious use of prosthetics but also think of like. implants and more invisible pieces of cyberware that could be#used to like. relieve or even get rid of [chronic] pain [that the user would otherwise have]#there's the whole intimacy of the personal link... being able to connect yourself to others and whatnot#i loooove thinking of like. people going through information on a datashard together by having one of them plug it in#and then the other person connecting through personal link to see the information too#or just the act of slotting in a datashard for someone else. waaahhhh#letting your friends give you decorative cyberware how some people would let their friends give them tattoos...#the process of taking care of newly set cyberware to make sure the part of your body around it doesn't go numb etc etc#and then if it's cyberware with open parts or whatever you can STICK YOUR FINGERS IN IT!#dev has the chest cavity thing with the wires. you can put your fingers in that. he would like it#beckett has the maw. when it's closed there's the one cybernetic line and guess what? you can put your fingers in that#and he would like it#anyway i can probably say more because this is definitely not everything that i'm thinking of but also my brain zoomed out#but like. do you understand me
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i just fucking hate having ptsd all of it. so many stupid fucking things send me into fucking hysterics it sucks and i hate it and i dont want itttt anymore i dont want it.
#i literally like. i didnt tell u guys bc it was embarassing#but i had to hype myself up to eat a fucking orange the other day. like i was shaking and crying and i nearly threw up.#bc it fucking reminded me of All that and also bc its one of the only foods i got to eat outside ofm my one meal a day#while i was living there. bc my coworker gave me oranges sometimes#and one time she gave me a whole bag of cuties which was wonderful of her i miss her#but i pretty much like. bc during m-f i had a meal at work#and i could get something from the vending machine if i needed to#but on the weekends i had to either order food (which would always make me insanely nauseous bc of. the money stuff. yk) or just eat#what i had in my room bc i couldnt use the kitchen bc the roommates would be mad at me#and they might kick me out and id be actually fucked. its so crazy looking back that i genuinely the entire time i fucking lived there even#b4 the breakup the entire time i was in terror that theyd evict me. bc i wouldnt have been able to do anything abt it#i mean thats why i didnt like. leave him after he . and stuff. both bc i thought i didnt deserve anything better and bc i was terrified#theyd evict me and i wouldnt have any way to get home. it was terrifying#but ya. so for a couple weeks i rationed myself One orange per day lol. and on weekends that was all i was able to eat rly#idk. i hate ptsd. basicalllyyyy is the gist of ittt. and i keep thinking abt random fucking things they did to me#me when they jokingly tell me to starve myself when i literally have a fucking eating disorder. and when i told The Only Person i knew in#that fucking house abt it he told me i was being dramatic and i was just being greedy and etc. and then later when i got off work today i#saw on their fucking whiteboard in the kitchen i wasnt supposed to use Eat more <3 as one of their goals. while i went to sit in the garage#for the weekend eating a single fucking orange a day. god#idk. ive gotten better with eating i still have the scale but i ws able to go months without using it until the medical call the other week#and i havent used it since but. everytime i think abt all that itmakes me want to go back to it. i cant tho everyone would notice#i do still eat a wholee lot less than i did b4 washington but idk. idont remember if i even ate today i probably should but i dont feel#hungry but i cant even fucking trust that bc i Starved myself for so fucking long im too good at ignoring hunger. and i never was super in#touch with my body but im constantly numb now. idk.#ed ment#a2t#i ws gonna say more but it ws tmi + tag limit anyway. its just insane that my fucking ed wouldnt have happened if it werent for him and it#graduated i wouldnt have been isolatedinever wouldve had an ed. like 50% of my ptsd would be Gone if i just hadnt joined that discord. lol
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japanese medical negligence will drive you to american without health insurance behaviors
#hi hi hello tumblr#my migraines came back with a vengence#i didn't realize it for the 10 years i've had them#but i am pretty sure they were hemiplegic this whole time#got weakness and numbness down one side of my body from my first migraine ar 12 or 13#and just thought that was normal migraine with aura#others on my dad's side of the family (the white people) had sever migraines too so i grew up thinking it was normal#come to think of it in 10 years even an introvert like me has met 20-30 people with migraine and none of them had symptoms like mine#well this time i had leg numbness and weakness to the point of foot drop start on sunday#puking intensely wednsday - thursday#the headache finally came friday#blurred vision throughout...but i had a prolonged aura w out headache last month that didn't quite resolve#headache and nausea and vision has calmed but won't totally go away now#this whole time they worked me up for stroke and autoimmune diseases#and when that comes back normal and i say i'm pretty sure that was all a turbo migraine#the doctor starts googling migraine in front of me and is like well...you have symptoms of it but i don't know#this is a NEURO mind you not a general internist#i begged for him to nuke the way past 3 days status migraine with steroids like in the US#told they don't do that in japan#i asked to try reyvow#no to that because “my other symtoms are worse and that's only for the headache part”#i asked for a headache specialist#told none was available#eventually was kicked to the curb with 10 nausea pills and my records to take somewhere else#my foot perked up a bit after the headache started but is still droopy and weak#when i asked about PT i got “well you can still walk”#and when i said it catches on the ground and i trip sometimes and i can't walk quickly without dragging my leg i was told “well walk slowly#not even recommended home exercises#so now i'm on physical therapy YouTube trying to rehab my own fucking foot drop#i will try to find a neuro who knows about hemiplegic migraine and will treat status migraines agressively
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Continuing to craft my little adventure for Minty and it’s really coming together :>
#Now with 60% more torture~ (my wife most certainly approves hehe)#he is the hurt/comfort magnet! Except I’ve done a lot of emotional hurt and not much physical >:3#I’ve been imagining the body horror sequence in depth and with dialogue and it’s great~#Also I like the exploration of Idyllia’s character in this :)#The dichotomy between being passive (as she was as Ribbon) and living life sincerely and actively#and how that ties into doing the wrong/right thing and the guilt that ensues for one’s choices in life :>#Also it now makes more sense why Inigo was still wiped after the whole experience because I remembered#funneling excess amounts of mana in the body induces toxic shock and fatigue!#It’s the same logic behind that purple plant which plagued Archie during Dism’s kidnapping and later in Arc 3~#And what happens when two lucid dreamers compete to enact their magic? (pain-numbing life and unabated darkness)#Well you end up feeding a lot of spiriters but also that’s a lot of mana being induced onto one person because bitches be fighting ;)#Though unlike said purple plant at least in this scenario you’re not producing mana until it overloads the body and you die#(or get sent to the hospital and inevitably receive notices that you’re getting sentenced for ur crimes)#Inigo just needs some rest. And soup!#just pav things
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becomes slime
#newt ooc#i should get up and eat i should#i have things that are easy to make#but#dies instead#lets my whole body get the numbs whoops
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Oooo I'm actually gonna lose it at work right now
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listening and adding to my good vibes only playlist hoping it'll suddenly kickstart some kind of magical enthusiasm for doing anything other than The Regular Rot i've been perfecting this past covid-filled week
#tw depression#is it that?#or am i just plain lazy again#i need to do a test. maybe i'm negative and can go out in the world for more than a walk.#i need to move#so badly#my whole right side of my body turned numb bc the way my neck's been in this crooked position for literal days now#also i need a thicker pillow i think#i need to do so much stuff#aaaaahhhhhh#why cant i just DO THE STUFF#i say things here
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just told my mom i was having a panic attack and suddenly got up to take my meds but now she thinks it's her fault but it's not my body is just possessed by demons >:)
#i get this really Bad Feeling sometimes#and my whole body just goes numb and yea it's great i forget how to be a person
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