#my twitter recap is completely different

[yourlocalsmutwriter]

See, hear and speak no evil - Carlos Sainz x reader

You usually loved race weekends. Any chance for you to watch your boyfriend do his thing was appreciated. But not Miami. Your poor European sleep cycle was not used to this. Toto was wrong about no one watching the races in your time zone. Carlos would make fun of you for it, especially as he was living it. He teased you relentlessly for sleeping through half of the Chinese GP. Oh, the irony of you getting into the sport because your partner was an F1 driver and not the opposite. Even worse, he refused to explain the "lore" as you called it. So you Googled frantically and added the Netflix documentary to your queue. Unexplainable, you found yourself watching Tiktok edits instead. And you were gonna give it to these people with Capcut and a dream. They managed to capture Carlos' sex appeal. You had new obsessions with every clip on your fyp. His hair, his thighs, and of course, him going ballistic on the radio. You had heard your boyfriend being a little grumpy at quali or race positions before. Yapping about strategies or other drivers. Even Charles wasn't immune to a snarky comment. But then you were using your efforts to calm him or to let him talk it out. Now, when it was a loop of him pissed on air, you realized that maybe you liked angry, vocal Carlos a little more than you guessed. The memes about your boyfriend being written by Lana del Rey were sometimes true. He had a poised reputation to uphold. Even when it was just the two of you, he was either stoic or bubbly and funny. If he was sad, he'd be sulky or melancholic. Never angry or possessive. Never letting you see him lose his cool. It wasn't like he didn't trust you enough to let you in. It was more due to the fact that you were precious and fragile to him, breakable. But that was gonna change soon. With special courtesy of his radios during his battles with Oscar.

Carlos liked to have you in your "lovers nest" before Imola. Called you his lucky charm, his amuleto. Truth be told, it was a little early. Cohabitation was usually reserved for "seasoned couples". Carlos and you joked that you weren't living together, you were occasional roommates with benefits. The new arrangement meant that every couple of weeks, between triple headers, you would be in Spain. You knew a frequent flier discount hated to see you coming. Luckily, you had somewhat managed to make your job more remote, negotiating different hours and taking on a freelancing type of everyday tasks.

But like any person in love, you were most productive when alone. Thanks to the copious amounts of coffee you needed to watch the Miami GP, you had pulled 2 all nighters, basically flying through your professional to-do list. As soon as your weekly meeting was over, you started going through the most boring and easy parts of what you do. As soon as your lunch break rolled around, you were napping, hoping no one from the office decided to check up on you.

You're saving up the completed tasks as leverage, waiting for the right moment. And it arrives with the sound of a door unlocking and Carlos' familiar voice echoing through the apartment. You call him in the office space and let him know that you're almost finished. Sending out your tasks to your supervisor, you utilise their checking time and turn it into boyfriend time. Within a few minutes, you're in bed with Carlos, both in lounge wear that left little to the imagination. It was a little game you came up with in the honeymoon period of the relationship. Who could break easier after the long distance. You would think that no kissing would be easy, given that not much else was off limits. With his lips between your neck and your ear, he wasn't helping himself, so he asked.

"Did you manage to stay up for my race, gorgeous?"

"Yes, I watched it live, every second. I think I annoyed everyone on Twitter with my recap, even your fans." you reply.

"Yeah? Any standout thoughts I should know about?" He says, curious.

"Your radios, they sounded, good." You give him nothing, but he knows how to take from you. The gears in his brain turn, looking for a way to make you loose. At the end of the day, he was a simple man. All he had to do was ask.

"If you give me a kiss, I ......" He tries to finish his sentence but his mind blanks. He goes for the low hanging fruit, offering to buy you dream outfits and bags. Even when he puts real money where his mouth is, you refuse. Even though it's stupid, you don't want to give him the impression that you're dating him for the money. Carlos moves on to more individual things, promising to make you cum over and over again, to do the thing that makes your legs shake. You gently remind him they if he kisses you first, you make the rules. Therefore you could easily ask for all that and more. You can see it's driving Carlos mad to not be in control. He pulls out the "big guns".

"If you kiss me, I'll consider the threesome idea with Charles?" he tries.

"That was one dream and I regret telling you about it. No thanks, don't wanna be a homewrecker." you counter.

"I'll actually arrange a threesome with Fernando?" he comments.

"Stop slutting out people on the grid. Just because I fantasized about something a couple times doesn't mean I'm suddenly ready to be Eiffel towered or split roasted or whatever you two freaks could come up with." you hold your ground.

"You are the only guy for me. In F1, or outside of it, I only want to be with you. No sharing." You kiss him, aware that you'd loose. Whatever he had planned for you was gonna be good and you knew it.

"Good. I was gonna be worried if you'd said yes. Now, on the topic of saying things, you were awfully quiet earlier. So, we're gonna play another little game, called team radio." You quirk up an eyebrow and ask him to explain.

"It's easy. You tell me what to do and I'll do it. You don't say anything, I'll stop. I'm all about teamwork and following orders, baby." He boasts.

"Yeah, always, huh? Sure. Whatever helps you sleep at night. You're a driver. You can't help it. It's in your blood. Being fast, being fucking selfish." You taunt him. Truth is what attracted you most to your boyfriend. His drive, no fucking pun intended.

Carlos pins you down onto the matres, his athlete's reflexes immediately evident. You're trapped beneath his body as he kisses and bites your neck.

"You're already failing at your game there, sweetheart. Thought you'd be the one obeying me. " you remind him. Asking your boyfriend to give up control was like asking a broken clock to display the right time. Yet, even those were right twice a day. Carlos pulled away, waiting for you to tell him what to do. Even though it was his idea, he was already turning against it. Though he had a trick up his sleeve.

You were trying out your new power. First, you asked him to switch to let you be on top. You kissed his neck and chest in a way to bid for time. Usually, by now, his hands would be on your waist, pulling down your underwear. Yet, he was still waiting for a que from you.

"Carlos, can you touch me, please? Just I don't know, rub my clit until I come or something." You ask.

Your boyfriend must be a member of r/maliciouscompliance, because that's what he does. He doesn't take your panties off, he just slides two fingers and presses them against where you need him and rubs. His pace is mundane, not too slow, and not too fast that it feels like he's trying to start a fire. It's just right, the perfect tease.

"You know, you're not very good at this. I know you're all about the flow of things and you shut off your brain when we fuck, sweetheart. But don't make me teach you a lesson here." He says.

You wonder what he means. You can feel his hardness under you, despite the layers of cotton there. You're not a tyrant, so you rub against his cock, needing more. Your futile moans of "Carlos please." don't earn you anything. You're wet, so close thanks to the new stimulation and his repetitive rhythm. You cum and as soon as your boyfriend senses it, he stops.

"Carlos, what the actual fuck?" you ask, your orgasm ruined. He'd never pulled that move before, always touching you more, so you could ride it out, going until your thighs clamp against him in a vice grip.

"You said to rub your clit until you came. You came. I did my job, no?" He replies, his tone dripping with sarcasm. Oh,so that's how he was gonna play it. Well two people could tease.

You tell him to take off your underwear and his too. Tossing your boyfriend a condom, you ask to see him put it on. He hisses as his fingers trail down his length. Truth it, he's just as needy as you. He was just better at hiding it.

"Do you have a favorite position, hmm Carlos? I wanna see it." You ask. He uses his strength to flip you, ass up in the air. Even in this, he's still careful. With your back arched and face half-burried in the pillow, you say.

"Show me your passion, I want you to go fucking feral, use me like there's no tomorrow."

And he obeys. He burries himself to the hilt inside you. He could be snarky and wait for you to ask him for every thrust. But he lacks the patience for that. He pulls out, almost all the way and thrust back in ferociously. Every "faster" and "harder" he follows. Carlos feels you clench around him, and says.

"If you wanna cum properly, you have to ask. Give team orders to your roque driver."

"Carlos Sainz, you better give me an orgasm and fuck me through it, unless you." You don't get to finish your thought, because your boyfriend's hand makes its way to your clit. This time he makes sure you feel everything to the fullest, giving you more and more. When you recover from your orgasm, you notice that he's still desperate to cum too. You know his tells. His hands gripping your waist a little stronger. The faint drops of sweat on his forehead. The way his thrusts are slower. You could show him that revenge is best served cold. But you can't resist him just after he blows his load, the moment where he's still fucking into you, as if intent on making it stick. On making your pussy memorize the shape of his cock.

"Carlos, fuck, go ahead and come. You deserve it, pretty boy." You say and watch him as he falls apart, bottom lip between his teeth.

You're both spent. After he cleans up and tosses the condom in the trash and you pee, you melt in his arms.

"I think this made me sweatier than Miami." He says. Aftercare sweet talk was obviously not his forte.

"I think that if we go for a second round, my work shift will end. Wanna make your girl steal some company time?" You reply.

[beyondthisdarkhouse]

One thing I like about Tumblr over Dreamwidth: They don't do anything with your tag list.

Tumblr doesn't know what to do with tags. People only use them seriously sometimes; they're more often a way to vent or subvocalize a response.

Dreamwidth expects tags to be used sensibly, by sensible people. I know someone who joined the site upon launch in 2009 and posts a book review every week or two. Her tag page is a long and tidy alphabetical list of things like "author: asimov isaac" or "genre: insufferable memoir" and if I need a recap I can trust of the romantasy everyone made fun of back when twitter was young, I just need to hit ctrl+f and type "venom cock."

I was 20 and not yet on antidepressants when I joined Dreamwidth. My tags are so 20something it completely justifies my choice at that age not to get a tattoo because something being meaningful to me then was no promise it would be meaningful five years later. I already knew myself.

I had (ugh, have) a "disability: a river in egypt" tag, which I would retroactively use on journal entries where I was talking about this or that random happenstance (being too lazy or unmotivated to do something I deeply cared about, getting a mysterious leg ache, being mystified that over-the-counter painkillers didn't really work to make my pain go away) but also convinced that this was like, the normal amount of anhedonia or leg-length discrepancy or daily debilitating pain! I'm not disabled! I'm completely fine!

Respect to 20something me, that was an important process and journalling with a supportive community of wise and informed people was vital to it. This is an important historical artifact.

But what am I supposed to tag things as now?

(Of course my brain just supplied "disability: well that ship has sailed", shut up you dumb hilarious bitch. And yet it makes me reconsider my plan to sloorp all that blog's content off to a different account, wipe my main one because it's a seed account and worth keeping, and start over fresh.)

[kaorucup]

speculating about the season 3 peepers villain arc

lately I've been thinking about season 3 again and I wanna cope with the fact it won't happen soon, so I want to talk about one of its concepts

(IT'S GONNA HAPPEN MAN, JUST WAIT UNTIL NEW PPG PROJECT AND THE NEW FOSTER'S HOME ARE ACTUALLY DONE)

something that's always piqued my interest was the mention of "peepers being tempted by the darker side" in official season 3 posts. (you know which, we've seen them all). it's not the only one there that interested me, but some concepts like the three new villains due for season 3 were actually deconfirmed by Craig himself in a Twitter q&a, and instead said it would be an existing character.

(I think. I'm not sure about that one)

see, things like that always change when everything is actually in production. I actually wanna make an entirely different post dedicated to the main antagonist and/or conflict because there's a lot of stuff to discuss there. but something that I truly think WILL make it into season 3 will be peepers' villain arc. I think there's a chance they could build off what's already in the show to lead up to this arc.

a quick recap of his attitude towards hater

in season 1, it's clear peepers tended to stay on hater's good side, since he still (somewhat) respected hater's actions in a way since he's been with him for so long + he only followed hater's goal of destroying wander and sylvia since they were their ONLY obstacle in their goal to rule the galaxy

I used this frame specifically because it's one of the only times he scolds hater in season 1 (maybe the only time, I forgot), and even then he's still scared to do so since hater even threatens him after this

and as we all know, by the end of season 1 and season 2 in general, he scolds hater A LOT more often because dominator's arrival spelled doom for the entire galaxy, even the villains. even before that, it was clear hater's obsession with wander was damaging the reputation of the empire, and hell other villains were even beating him on the leaderboard. by the greater hater, he's reduced to the 29th greatest. and now if you add hater's failure to initially properly focus on restoring his control over planets to putting his obsessions (wander in the beginning, dominator by the end) at priority equals one very pissed peepers.

in this particular frame, we all know this is a big moment in which peepers loses it and truly gets mad at hater for losing complete focus.

so when he finally locks in during the season finale it shocks peepers so much it moves him to literal tears. this man has been disappointed so much this season that this final move has made him truly happy. from my fair hatey to this episode, hater's ultimate goal is to save the galaxy to be able to conquer it again. so when that goal is accomplished he finally goes back to doing evil and attempts to conquer the secret final planet, peepers is literally so happy he has a heart eye. (not even close to being straight)

of course he's disappointed once more when hater begins to chase wander again.

"nothing ever changes."

2. peepers has greater plans for himself

"the universe will be mine!"

"if you ask me, I should be the one in charge."

I'm pretty sure I'm missing more moments where he shows an interest in becoming a great villain on his own. in general, it's made very clear that peepers is much more competent than hater. hell even evil sandwich has described him as a "smart guy who actually knows what evil is all about."

3. I FINALLY SPECULATE ABOUT THE VILLAIN ARC

So with all that background information out of the way, we reach the actual speculation.

these Tumblr posts by Frank Angones about season 3 are what got me to write this post. with this info in mind, I have a little scenario to share here

at the beginning of season 3, Hater would become a hero to the galaxy (following up from the ending to the end of the galaxy), and even though he tried conquering planets, he wound up either not conquering them or doing good deeds instead, to his own—and peepers'—dismay. again, taking the end of the galaxy's ending in mind, he clearly intended to conquer the new galaxy. however, it's clear he's definitely not as willing to do so and admits to peepers at one point that he tends to think about not being a bad guy. this of course breaks peepers' heart (yeah in that way too), and in a fit of rage leaves the empire.

he escapes to somewhere (idk where) and from there the antagonist(s) of season 3 either pick him up or kidnap him. from there they show peepers their ways and begin tempting him to join them.

from there more new scenarios can be made, depending on their motivation. Frank Angones has also stated that "there are worse fates than galactic destruction". in a future post about the season 3 antagonist(s), I'll explain more about what this could mean. since the post only says he could be tempted, we don't know if he would actually temporarily switch to their side.

if peepers joins an antagonist: he likely takes in their ideologies and hater (?) may have to remind him of his evil ways or something

if peepers declines: he realizes who he is to the hater empire and makes a move against the antagonist

secret options: the darker side is actually an actual villain (the antagonist(s) aren't "villains" like hater and dominator)

the scenarios are similar but I'll share them

if peepers joins them: he uses his knowledge and evil traits to the max to begin committing atrocities and stuff like that. hater and/or wander has to do something about it

if peepers declines: he realizes the villain is insane and goes back to hater (very, very, very small chance for a redemption, but maybe it will because wander can help him or something)

(I'm iffy on this one)

4. one final piece of speculation related to his backstory

when writing this post, I made two and two and found out something.

I don't tend to trust fandom wikis that much, but since the information seems to be accurate and aligns with what Frank is saying, I think all this implies the watchdogs mock peepers a LOT for being the shortest watchdog. what's also slightly implied is that his napoleon complex (in which he happens to be insecure about his height, which has been shown quite a bit in the series itself. "you are tall" being part of his motivational tapes, wander raises his soles to give him a sense of growth, the platform boots as a gift).

so if this is a big part of his origin story, I assume that way before he joined the hater empire with the other watchdogs, peepers was mocked for being the shortest. so when he and the watchdogs pledge allegiance to the empire, he "feels like he has something to prove", and begins from the bottom like most of the watchdogs until he's done so many evil things that hater notices him and promotes him to commander.

so now with that in mind, it makes sense why peepers would lose his mind over hater potentially giving up evil after pretty much devoting himself to evil for so long

once again, I yapped what I needed to yap and I'm satisfied

oh my god I spent like almost 3 hours researching and writing for this dear GROP

Edit: now that I think about it the way he said the line about the watchdogs feeling special and important in their interviews was actually kind of spiteful, which makes sense (poor guy wants to feel like that more often.....)

[fictionstudent]

How to read like a writer

If you’ve ever followed any Writergram accounts on Instagram or Twitter, I guess you’d have heard this advice—read like a writer.

People can’t stop glazing about how it’s one of the best pieces of advice any beginning writer could get, how it’s one of the most important skills to study prose and create your own, and all that. But, as you could’ve guessed, there’s a lot of unpacking to be done here.

What does it even mean to read like a writer? How’s it different from reading like a reader, or just for fun? And, how the frick do you even read like a writer?

I had to rant about something, and that’s the topic I’ve chosen today. So, here’s my two-cents on it.

***

#01 - The Basics

So, what does it mean to read like a writer?

I believe that reading like a writer is a form of reading prose where you’re conscious of the artistic decisions the author makes throughout the piece. For example, if there’s a high-stakes action scene, probably a fight scene or something, and you notice that the average length of sentences has suddenly become shorter and punchier.

Firstly, you need to understand that there’s a lot of such artistic decisions that writers take while writing a piece. And, every writer does that. These decisions are primarily related to writing-style, but are also focused on the story-structure, character-development, themes, and more.

For clarity, let’s divide them into two types of decisions—micro-level decisions and macro-level decisions. Micro-level decisions would include the writing-style, scene-descriptions, and all that stuff. Primarily, stuff that you can notice on the very page itself. It’d relate to the sentences instead of the plot. Refer to the example above again—that’s a form of micro-level decision.

Macro-level decision would be an artistic decision where you need to complete the whole, or a big chunk, of the piece to point them out. Such macro-level decisions would relate to the plot instead of individual sentences. For example, the decisions they’ve made regarding the plot, characters, and the underlying themes of the prose.

I tried my best to make the distinction as clear as possible. I hope you guys understand them clearly.

Anyway, each type of artistic decision would need to be checked in a different manner, y’know. To analyze macro-level artistic decisions, you’d need to probably finish the whole novel and do some research and brainstorming related to the themes of the story and the way the author discussed those said themes in their work.

It takes some time to get into the head-space to analyze the story and its themes. And, you might need to recap the story in some form or the other, y’know. At least, I need a little recap. Because generally, it takes me months to complete a novel or TV series. Or manga series. Or anime. Or anything else I need to analyze.

… And that’s because I start a lot of stuff before I finish the previous ones. Not gonna lie, I’m reading around four-five novels at the moment, a couple of which are web-novels on RR, along with three manga series. Please don't ask me why I do that, I hate it myself.

Anyway, now onto the second type: the micro-level artistic decisions. This is where you need to be really conscious while reading the work. In fact, I believe that these forms of decisions are what people generally mean when they talk about reading like a writer.

Micro-level artistic decisions, like I said earlier, include sentence-structures and writing-style of the author. And yeah, it’s really easy to slip out.

I’d like to refer to my favorite lit-fic The Road, by Cormac McCarthy, as an example. Reading the work, you’d see that the style feels… barren. The scene-descriptions are a pain to read; the vocabulary is just too hard. But, vocabulary becomes a lot easier during dialogues. That’s because the scenes are a pain to see, while the characters are losing their power to communicate effectively. I talk about it in detail in a previous blog:

But, man, maybe that’s how it’s supposed to be. Maybe that’s why McCarthy wrote the descriptions in this way—to symbolize the mental stress that the characters go through as they experience this world, this form of reality that they were not meant to be in.

And maybe the novel is so lacking in narrations because the characters’ minds have gone numb. They’re forgetting language. With almost zero human interaction most of the time, they are forgetting how to think and interact in words. You lose the skills you don’t really use anymore, y’know. And these guys are so obviously depressed, so they don’t think about the world. They are used to the sad reality they live in. No point in complaining how bad the food is if that’s all you’re gonna eat all your life.

So, a scarcity of narrations tell you a lot about the story and its characters. It reflects something, it symbolizes something.

Also, if you read about Kafka’s The Metamorphosis, you’d observe how the author’s writing-style is often bland and indifferent. That says something about the characters and the plot too—it keeps the readers detached from the story, forcing them to adopt a third-person POV where they can constantly judge the plot and the characters.

Understanding the micro-level artistic decisions also include understanding the different nuances in different authors’ style. For example, sometimes you’d see that authors write scene-transitions like this,

We talked it through, and decided that it’d be the best to continue the conversation once we’re in the safe vicinity of this house. School was dangerous for such serious conversations—what if somebody hears us out and report us to the police?

So, we shut up as we boarded the bus, and twenty minutes later, we were pulling through his house’s driveway. We both stepped outside and…

Personally, I’m not a big fan of such transitions. I’d rather use three asterisks instead, like I do with my blogs here.

***

When to read like a writer and when not?

Yeah, that can be a mess. You don't need to have the writer's eye open every single time you’re reading something.

Personally, I use a trick. I only read like a writer when I feel that the piece is really different from the type of prose I generally consume, y’know. For example, I’m reading Markus Zusak’s The Book Thief. The blurb says that the novel is narrated by Death, which is something quite interesting. Apparently, Death appears in the story as a character, acting as a third-person narrator.

However, the story is not third-person omniscient POV. Quite the opposite, actually, for we see the narration alternating between the thoughts of the protagonist and the all-knowing omniscient narrator Death, which makes the writing-style of the novel quite interesting.

So I read the book as a writer—all the way, I’m figuring out how the author masterfully blended both third-person limited and third-person omniscient narrative styles and used the best of both worlds to fully utilize both of them and paint such an amazing writing-style. I don't think I could ever pull that off, to be brutally honest. It’s just awesome what Zusak has pulled off in the prose.

Anyway, I derailed too much. The main point I was tryna make is that The Book Thief is different from what I usually consume—third-person limited POV web-novels. So, I do have to read like a writer. I probably won’t be reading like a writer if I was reading yet another RR web-novel or fantasy light-novel, y’know.

Another factor you might want to consider is if you like the prose or not. If you believe that you really love the novel and want to write something like it, you better study it a little. After all, you’d be writing what’s interesting to you.

A third factor: classics. If the prose is a classic, you might learn something from it. I mean, there must be some reason it’s stood the test of time, y’know, and people are still reading it. Yeah, sometimes, the style just seems outdated, and you likely won't be adapting it. But there are some gems in it too. The Great Gatsby is a really good novel to learn first-person POV.

… And that reminds me, I still haven’t finished The Great Gatsby either. Even though I’ve been reading it for more than a year.

***

#03 - Conclusion

All of this might feel a little overwhelming for you guys. I can understand that.

I mean, that’s just too much information to think about, y’know. And you might not be able to catch up on most of them. Heck, you might not be able to understand any nuances between different authors’ styles at all!

But, just don't give up, pal. It’s kinda tough out here, yeah, but that’s alright. Keep reading, keep practicing it out. You’d get there.

Keep reading and keep writing. That’s all it takes to become a great writer. But, doing both your reading and writing mindfully is what matters the most.

Subscribe to the FictionStudent newsletter to get latest blogs like this straight into your inbox. Also check out the website, as well as my Instagram and Twitter—where I might start posting soon. To be honest, I still don't know how to use social media as a writer, but I’d be trying.

Meet you in the next blog. Till then, bye-byeee!

[djwiththejd]

The Fall of the House of Usher (2023) Episode 1

A foreword, of sorts: If someone had told me in high school or even college that I would willingly sit down to watch a horror tv show, I would have laughed in their face. Who knew it would take my college professor Emma's teachings of Pym and my first foray into Critical Theory that I brought with me to law school to get to this point. I haven't even finished watching School Spirits yet so the depression has really taken me for a ride, but my boyfriend says I need a hobby, and I spent two and a half hours and 7 and a half pages of notes on just the first episode of this show, so I'm going to write about it because I miss writing.

If you're here from twitter, may the gods have mercy on your soul.

Now, let's move on to business. My recap of Episode 1 of The Fall of The House of Usher. There will be spoilers for the Poe stories as well as detailed commentary of the events within the episode, so obviously I'm going to put a SPOILER WARNING for whatever you read below. Also, since the first episode introduces the story and the characters, it will probably be long as heck and full of background that no one but me cares about because I'm a huge nerd. I don't care if you skim. Read at your own peril; stay tuned for danger.

Firstly, let's talk about the original short story and see if Wikipedia can help me write a good, short summary of the premise/plot of that story. From within the first two minutes of the show, I can tell that we are going to deviate wildly from the plot.

In the original short story, published in 1839, the tale is told by an unnamed narrator who has been called to the House of Usher at the behest of his childhood friend Roderick Usher who is ill and needs help. Roderick and his twin Madeline are the only living members of the Usher family left alive in their family mansion. One thing that high school teachers everywhere probably tried to teach their students is to pay attention to the narrator's notice of a thin crack that extends from the roof, down the house, and into the nearby lake. This may be important later, but for me right now, I view it as a double entendre. Spoiler alert, at the end of the original short story, both Roderick and Madeline die, leading to the "fall" of the House of Usher, in that the last two living descendants die and therefore end the family name, and also the literal "fall" of the house, the family mansion that they lived in.

I have to admit I watched the first two minutes, tweeted about it, then got so engrossed about halfway through the episode that I grabbed a legal pad and started the episode from the beginning.

Firstly, the opening starts with a countdown to New Year's 1980 before we see a quick image of a cawing raven and a creepy vision of Carla Gugino's smiling face. The episode is titled "A Midnight Dreary," a line from Poe's "The Raven," so at this point I'm confused because obviously this is a completely different short story, but I roll with it. Unfortunately, I didn't have the foresight last night to look ahead and see what the other episode titles were, because then I would have probably understood the plot a little better.

We cut now to a stained glass window in a church (hello Jesus symbolism, can't wait to ponder you later) and then the pastor seems to be giving a eulogy about three dead people. We cut to an older gentleman with a teen girl sitting behind him who seems to be remembering 6 different visions. Side note: I googled the eulogy, and it cobbles together various lines from Poe's poems as well as quotes that are ascribed to Poe. At this point I guess that the older man and older women in sunglasses are the twins, and wonder who the teen girls are behind each of them before seeing MARK MOTHERFUCKING HAMILL on the screen. Even in my notes I just write him down as Mark Hamill, or MH, which is a real shame because his character's name is Arthur Pym, which is the main character from the only "book" Poe ever wrote, and there's a lot of controversy around whether it was finished or not, but I spent several classes in undergrad analyzing that book in particular, so it has a very soft spot in my heart.

Roderick(?) turns back and sees a figure with a blacked out face in the rafters, but then the girl turns around, nobody is there. When she turns to him, she calls him Grampus, so I can assume this girl is his granddaughter and not his daughter. Then Roderick (?) says, "She's here." Not quite to his granddaughter, but mostly to himself. How cryptic. I'm sure we won't think about that until it jumps right into our faces. At this point, in hindsight I had assumed that the "very pale girl" behind Madeline was her granddaughter, but oh how wrong I was.

Outside the church, we see press all over, but the church itself was noticeably empty. Then, then, we cut to a cork board. This confirms Roderick and Madeline are who I thought I was, and also gives Mark Hamill the name of Arthur Pym. Then, I painstakingly went in and paused at nearly every second of the next scene to read the details on the children, their dates of death, and any bits of information I could get from the articles about cause of death (aka COD.) The death dates are clustered very closely together. I don't know quite yet if it goes from youngest to eldest, but I'm sure we shall find out.

Then, the big reveal. Well, to me at least. I saw that the Assistant U.S. Attorney was C. Auguste Dupin, and let me tell you I pumped my fist in the air and nearly woke up my sleeping boyfriend next to me. Why? You don't care but I'm going to tell you. Dupin was introduced in The Murders in the Rue Morgue (1841), my favorite Poe short story, and also the first ever piece of writing ever coined as "detective fiction." Yes, my absolute favorite genre of writing was created by Edgar Allan Poe, so as problematic as he may have been, I will always be grateful to him for this. Besides, the plot for Rue Morgue was so wild, I saw Dupin's name and had to pause and tweet about it. Specifically, I tweeted about hoping that one of the CODs would be strangulation by an escaped monkey. Mind you, like an idiot, I still haven't looked at the damn names of all of the episodes of the series. Since last night, I have been told to keep an eye out, so that's fun.

I can't believe I typed all of that up from the first like, three minutes of the show. I warned you this was going to be long.

Then, we pan out to the corkboard being a whole ass murder board. We love that. Still no clue who Pym is and why he's alive, but the random guy who walked into the office to talk to Dupin just said something about a Pym Reaper, so I got a chuckle out of that. There's emphasis here about "him" wanting to talk. Obviously, by process of elimination, this him is Roderick.

Dupin takes a taxi (oooh, vintage) to this location, and we see it is a dilapidated house. The "House" of Usher, methinks? I will say it definitely gives rise to the gothic vibe of terror and dread, but thankfully we're not going into Gothic architecture, that would have been a little too on the nose. The clothing I've seen is very modern and the death dates are all in November, so I genuinely thought it was set last year but it wasn't. Everything is apparently set to happen next month. In the future. How foreboding.

Roderick invites Dupin in and Dupin attempts to console Roderick for his losses, but Roderick seems much more focused on the drink in his hand. Henri IV Dudognon Heritage Cognac Grande Champagne. I googled it and apparently it is a real drink. I have to say, Roderick really doesn't seem to curry favor with Dupin when he suggests "a single pour is probably worth double your annual salary" but then he offers a glass to Dupin. This man is clearly going through something. By now, I can surmise it is the death of his family, but is this The House of Usher? Is this dilapidated building the same setting that we see in the original tale? Is Dupin now taking the place of the unnamed narrator of past?

Dupin still tries to apologize, but Roderick just seems...resigned to his fate. Also, Dupin asks where Mr. Pym is and we find out that Mark Hamill is playing a defense attorney. Amazing. Three years of law school and a JD later, and Mark Hamill, one of my favorite actors, is playing an attorney with the name of one of my most intriguing literary characters. All of my worlds have collided.

Roderick waives his right to an attorney and sits Dupin down across from him to talk. Dupin says Roderick got away with it, Roderick says no one really ever gets away with anything, not really. Dupin pushes back and says Madeline would beg to differ. Roderick says you can ask yourself, she's downstairs in the basement. At this point, I am convinced that Madeline is dead and buried, but this episode will not reveal that information to me. Trust me, I'm holding onto that theory because it is close in parallel to the original story, but I am soooo open at this point to being surprised because the actor for Roderick has sucked me in completely. Bruce Greenwood. I have painfully powerful facial recognition, so it delights me that I've never seen him in anything before so I can get sucked into his acting completely. Seriously, I just recently recognized the brother in Get Out from a single episode of Victorious because that one episode is my favorite. It can ruin my immersion sometimes.

Anyhow, back to the story. I'm rambling, but I have ADHD and I miss stream of consciousness writing so this is more for me than it is for you.

Roderick's phone vibrates, he says it is his granddaughter, Lenore. My eyeballs are rolling back into my head. We have a connection to The Raven, finally. She's not dead at present, so we shall see if she follows her namesake into the Great Beyond. Dupin tries to graciously allow Roderick to take that call and cites that "grandkids take priority" but Roderick calls him out!

He says "Don't lecture me about family values. You're just as shit in that department as I am."

At this point I am confused but I can't look away. Roderick says he wants to give his confession. Dupin whips out a recorder. November 20th, 2023. Roderick confirms we are in his childhood home. I am vibrating like a cat because I think my theory is correct, and I realize that based off of the death dates of his children, that much of this series will be told from this setting, in those chairs, and with flashbacks to important moments.

I was not prepared for the beginning of this story. In 1953, the house is warmer, more cheerful. R and M are just children, and Roderick speaks about "the woman who would shape every choice we would ever make." Their mother. Eliza. Aptly given the same name as Poe's mother. Personal secretary to the CEO of Fortunato Pharmaceuticals. The same company the Ushers own in modern times. Already I have questions about the lineage of the twins, but you know how it is.

"Not here. Not ever. We agreed." Very cryptic words, Mr. Longfellow. Madeline always hated him, she "always knew." Knew he was a liar? A terrible person? Or did she know he was their father?

Then we get into the religious phrases the mom uses. "Like Jesus, he loves from afar." "He's complicated, like God." I always find it very interesting but also very sad when the words a woman uses to justify a man's abuse is cloaked in a veil of religion. I won't go into detail on that, though. There just isn't time.

Jump to 1962. Nine years later, the twins look to be teenagers. Their studying is interrupted by a bell, and we cut to Eliza ringing a bell in bed. There is a plethora of crosses now hanging on the wall behind her, so that's...lovely. Both twins rush to her, and Eliza pushes a glass of water away. At first I thought it was rabies, but then Eliza seems to be suffering from pain in her pelvic region based off of how her actress was portraying her pain. Honestly, my theory is that she probably had an untreated STI which may have spread to other organs. Either way, her denial of medication or a doctor horrifies me. The screaming and the vitriol is a complete tone shift to who she was prior. But what I really find interesting is that Madeline, not Roderick, seems to be the brains of the pair. She is the one who coaches Roderick on what to say and how to say it to Longfellow, even though Roderick eventually messes up. There seems to be a double entendre in the way Madeline says "it's the least he can do." Because I have suspicions that Madeline knows he is their father, I keep autofilling this in my head. The shift in Mr. Longfellow's mood from humorous, almost mocking disbelief to anger and contemptuous pushback against the twins when Roderick tells him "she loves you" is enough for me. Even Madeline following up with "It's the least you could do. For her. For us." isn't necessary anymore for me to believe he is the father.

Longfellow's denial only seals the deal.

Cut to Eliza's...corpse. She didn't make it, but in trying to keep with her wishes, they tear apart the shed and build her a coffin and bury her in the backyard. Of course, because *spoiler alert* Madeline was accidentally buried alive, I had a hunch Eliza might climb out of her grave. I was proven right, and Eliza wakes up, tries to attack Roderick, but stops when Eliza calls her "Mommy" and grabs her arm. (Actress for teen Madeline is also fantastic, her look of horror was evocative as fuck. 10/10. No notes.) ELiza then walks out, goes into the gates of Longfellow's house and proceeds to choke him to death (with apparently superhuman strength) before finally collapsing next to his body.

What I *love* about this all is that when we cut back to the present, and Dupin asks about why Roderick is telling him all this, Roderick says it is because she's standing right behind Dupin! And you know what drives me nuts? SHE IS. SHE'S TOTALLY THERE AND HE DOESN'T TURN AROUND! Dupin does not see her and we see eliza walk out of the frame.

It is important to note that Roderick talks about the cleanup of that story to spare "his" family, the Usher family, of any embarrassment. He confirms that Longfellow was his father but doesn't claim him as family because Longfellow never claimed him, but it explains why he acknowledges all six of his children from five different mothers.Roderick wouldn't close the gates. Finally, we have confirmation, verbal confirmation from Roderick about who his father was.

Side note: Dupin has a husband, how progressive. I'm down for it. We love it when the elderly LGBTQ+ community is acknowledged.

Two weeks ago:

Then we switch to a trial against Fortunato Pharmaceuticals and the Usher "crime" family, according to Dupin's opening statement. As someone who did pretty damn well in both evidence and criminal law, I'm side-eyeing this opening statement. Let me tell you, law school ruins your ability to suspend disbelief for so many court things in television and movies. Also Fortunato? After The Cask of Amontillado? That's the short story I had to read in high school, and I enjoyed it enough. It does, however, tie in well if the company is also destroyed, locked away, hidden from society, whatever you want to call it to tie into the ending of Cask.

I will say this, Roderick fathered gorgeous children nonstop. Every one of these actors is stunning. I found it odd that the camera panned to Lenore and her mother(?) for a close up when Dupin talks about corruption ut when panned out Lenore is hidden from the view of the audience. At this point, I had not drawn any conclusions as to why that is. I kept fixating on "The Pale Girl," who we later find out is Juno, Roderick's newest wife. Let me tell you, that revelation was crazy because I thought she was Madeline's sole daughter who idolized Dita Von Teese and Dolores Umbridge in the worst hybridization of ways, but Ruth Codd's facial expressions are stunning. I'm visibly uncomfortable when I look at her, and that's fantastic. She's showing me so much with her body language, I can't stand how good she is. Anyhow, I love her. I will be following more of her.

Then, Dupin drops the bomb. The bomb. The thing that makes Madeline's face go from quiet amusement to concern. The statement that makes every Usher child react. There's an informant in the midst. And it is one of them.

Pym, in my opinion, correctly calls out the failure to disclose the identity of this informant. When counsel approaches the bench, this opening statement about the family witness is struck from the record, but it does what Dupin intends it to do. It rattles the whole family. Pym probably makes so much damn money off of these people.

Roderick calls a family dinner for everyone and their spouses. Then we cut to introductions of each family member. Frederick turns out to be the father of Lenore, and his wife's name is Morrie, I think? I had to check Wikipedia for this, but her name is Morella, she's a former actress and model, and now she makes hyper-realistic cakes. Freddie gives me Dan Levy vibes. He blames Perrie, who I assume is Prospero. Lenore calls out that the informant would "have to be pretty brave, I guess" and asks if the charges are true. At this point, there is a massive, MASSIVe red flag waving in my head. Is Lenore the informant? Or is she the red herring? It gets more juicy when she suggests that "if someone really broke the law, shouldn't they be punished?" The red flag...of justice? Morrie casually warns that breaking away from family rank would get you written out of the will, highlighting the difference in values between Lenore and the rest of the family.

Then we cut to Tamerlane and her husband, Bill T. Wilson. (Very cute reference to a short story Poe wrote called William Wilson.) She also says her money on the informant is "one of the bastards." All this does it solidify her and Freddie as the two children Roderick had "in wedlock." Bill suggests the informant is Freddie, and Tamerlane pushes back. She muses that it might be Perry, Bill suggests Juno, her "new stepmom." Tamerlane bristles at this, but also drops that Juno doesn't "know anything." If she really is so new to the family she doesn't know its secrets, then she's the most innocent one there and is also the only one who took the charges against the family seriously enough to not be able to hide it on her face. Tamerlane mentions Goldbug, a short story I have not read, and Tamerlane drops an important tidbit: She doesn't care about the world, she cares about what her dad thinks." I had to google who tf Blippi is for this conversation. Also, they do threesomes? Also, TEST MONKEYS?

Yep. We're going to have the true Rue Morgue murder. We are now introduced to Victorine. And her surgical partner/life partner. They have a successful surgery of some sort on a test monkey. Post-op the women are seen talking about struggling to get peer review because of nightshade. Whatever this nightshade powder Roderick sent over, it's working, but it is the same stuff that paralyzes South American tourists who get it blown in their face. Spooky. Victorine jokes about keeping away from Perry. That boy does not have anyone on his side for this. He's painted as young, immature, and apparently a date rapist so far. However, Victorine points the finger at Camille!

We jump to Leo, apparently on the phone with his boyfriend Julius. He convinces Julius to not come to the family dinner, but he finds out that Julius is on his way up while he's getting head from a woman. So Leo is a bisexual and he's a cheater. Love that about him. Has a black cat named Pluto.

We shift to Camille, apparently the HBIC of the family's PR. She tosses out orders to her drab little assistants hastily scribbling down notes. Her comment about Victorine is not unnoticed, but Camille puts aside her own feelings about her sister in order to push ahead of the PR disaster of the trial. When asked about Juno, Camille has a lot more frustration there for the massive age gap and lack of, idk, decorum about Juno? I'm intrigued as to what "Scraped her off the emergency room floor" means but I'm sure I will find out. Her main priority is sniffing out the informant, she also points to Perry but also claims she doesn't think he's clever enough to talk to the Feds without it ending up on Tiktok. Ouch. Give Perry a damn break. Or don't. He sounds awful. They all certainly seem awful. Like Tamerlane, Camille seems eager to please her father, emphasizing that she wants to be the one who finds the informant to deliver their head to her father.

Juno speaks! and she's Irish. I love that. Apparently she moderated an NA meeting once, so she's either a drug addict or a drug addict seriously affected her family. Tie-in to the Fortunato company? Possible motive? Possible mole? We shall wait and see. I love the comedy Roderick drops in about how the children have to love Juno because the only thing stronger than love is their fear of getting written out of the will.

Then the family doctor arrives with private news on Roderick should hear...My money is either terminal cancer or a slow poisoning. Either way, we don't know what's up before- Surprise! Prospero, aka Perrie shows up.

We see him pour Glenfiddich '96 and I find out he and I are the same age...He pitches a nightclub to Roderick and Madeline who magically shows up and Juno flicks off to Godzilla-knows-where. Apparently he had a full year to come up with a proposal for his first business venture and his idea for a super exclusive nightclub gets shut down mercilessly because the Ushers are about "changing the fucking world." Perrie walks away with his tail between his legs and Madeline checks in with Roderick before heading off to the dining room. She claims when the paperwork is passed out, she'll be able to tell. Apparently she can always tell when someone is...lying? We shall see.

Briefly, we see Carla Gugino put down a drink and say "For the road" which clearly freaks Roderick out because how did this strange woman show up in his mansion's bar?

Cut to dinner, Morrie presents a textbook and Starbucks and we have an Is It Cake momen to light applause from everyone. I can't quite tell if he's being sarcastic about him marrying Morrie, but Freddie moves on to suck up to Roerick by complimenting Juno.

Madeline passes out a new and improved NDA (thank you Pym for your tireless work, I hope you are paid handsomely for this) including details about forfeiture of inheritance, etc regarding being the informant and the consequences that ensue. Victorine's partner Alessandra tries to not sign it until her own lawyer looks it over but one look from the family makes her change her mind.

The siblings bicker before Madeline shuts it down, explains the importance of Fortunato and threatens the informant with certain death. I know it is meant to be serious but I admit I had a little giggle. Then Roderick says "Fifty million dollars." The twins have placed a bounty on the unknown informant's head, effectively pitting the family against each other.

In the present, Roderick laments that this was the last time he saw all of them together, and the last time he saw some of them alive. He claims responsibility for the deaths of all of his children. Even though Dupin claims that these bizarre deaths are all verified to not be linked, Roderick doubles down, and then finally brings up "a woman." Now things are getting juicy. Carla Gugino appears in a variety of lighting and with different hair, so that suggests we'll see here several times throughout the show.

We cut now to New Year's Eve, 1979 heading into 1980. The twins are dressed as Gatbsy and Daisy, I gag a little at the incestual implications even though I knew they were coming, and sit back and watch how the twins first meet the woman, now known as Verna. Apparently they enter a bar hoping for enough people to be around to provide them with an alibi. Whatever they came from at Fortunato Pharmaceuticals, they need witnesses. We see again that Madeline is the mastermind behind every plan. A conversation about resolutions with Verna ensues.

We pan to the present. Dupin talks about some other event that happens that night. Verna predicts their lives will take a complete change of course on that night. Roderick again tells Dupin that every piece of this story is important. We flash back to the funeral. Roderick sees the faceless woman in the back, but then the next time he looks back, he sees the mangled corpses of his six children. When he exits the church, he sees a creepy court jester, like a malevolent joker from the playing card, briefly waiting for him in the car. He starts, notices his nose is bleeding, and then suddenly falls backward. Madeline and Pym rush to him, but arthur stares ahead to *gasp* a raven, and he says "It's time. It's time. It's time." How mysterious.

The episode ends and I finally look ahead to all the episode names like I should have done before. Each episode is based off of a different Poe story, and probably relates to the cause of death for each character. I haven't read some of them, but I feel like I will before I start each next episode. Or I will let myself be surprised. We shall see. Anyhow, I have spent all morning typing this. If you've read this far, I salute you. I'm tired, but also satisfied.

-------

"The last thing my mother did in this life was kill a powerful man. And we carried that secret with us and we loved her all the more."

[stonylovessteve]

2024 Creator Reveals

We’ve reached the end of the exchange and that means it’s time to reveal the creators of all our works.

Thank you for putting so much love and effort into Stony Loves Steve 2024, you really made it a great experience. We hope everyone loved it as much as we did!

Giftees, be sure to leave a comment and kudos on your gift if you haven’t already. All our creators worked hard to make this event a success, so show them some love.

You can now post your work publicly outside of the exchange. Tag it as #stonylovessteve2024 on tumblr and we’ll reblog you. @ us @stonylovessteve on twitter and we’ll retweet you.

Below the cut is the final list of all the works produced for the exchange and the creators.

Still Halfway Human, Just Going Through It by Becci_chan for soliloquent (MCU, 9.9k Words)

Stark Industries was still an incredible place to work. Everyone seemed so dedicated and smart and ambitious, it truly reminded him of Howard and his vision for the future. Steve had even seen Tony Stark a few times in passing or when he made his rounds and talked to Steve’s superior in the office, but he hadn’t talked to him more than a greeting in passing. He wasn’t even sure Tony, who insisted on being called by his first name, had actually noticed him during these times. Steve had noticed him all the more.

Give me the luxuries of life by BladeoftheNebula for Thahire (MCU, 4.9k Words)

Four times Steve reluctantly dabbles in a little luxury + one time he leans into it wholeheartedly

Hot Bouncer by Infinitywrites for Becci_chan (MCU, 2.7k Words)

‘Hey Steve, We had a very interesting last night. Love to stay and elaborate on that but have to take my playful pet baby – Toothless  for a run. Left some hangover cure you might need. Feel free to use the shower or anything else you need. Be back soon. T.S”

The Long Game by betheflame for waywardmillennial (MCU, 2.6k Words)

Steve prided himself on being a patient man, he really did. He had stared down Nazis, and HYDRA officers, and the British Press on that one horrible media tour. He could spend hours plotting strategies for situations which may never happen but might, and he had been known to accompany Pepper on her stress-relief shopping trips. Steve could hold his tongue. Steve could outmaneuver his opponent. Steve could play the long game. That last donut broke all of that.

not a lot, just forever by Thahire for AirlocksandAviaries (MCU, 2.7k Words)

A few months after the Battle of New York, Tony invites Steve over to see the apartment he has built for him. Steve, of course, is totally normal about this and not panicking at all.

give me your number (i’ll give you mine) by ishipallthings for BladeoftheNebula (MCU, 1.2k Words)

Somehow, Tony freaking Stark showing up at the store isn’t Clint’s biggest shock of the day.

Cap’s Comics by sadieb798 for robertdowneyjjr (AA, Comic)

The local newspaper/magazine/online publication runs a comic about the Avengers — from thwarted robberies to statues come to life, they are sort of like funny little recaps of the team’s latest missions that New Yorkers have witnessed. Then the comics start becoming more… domestic, showing the Avengers at home during game nights and weekend brunch. There are even a few where Cap and Iron Man go on a date together. The team comes across these comics and no one realizes Steve’s the artist. After all, the drawings are barely better than stick figures, and Steve’s art is much more refined than that… right?

i live in a city that lives in a different age by soliloquent for ohjustpeachy (MCU, 10.8k Words)

Steve Rogers has fourteen days to complete fourteen therapy homework assignments.

Five Times Steve Woke Up Early (And One Time He Didn’t) by AirlocksandAviaries for ABrighterDarkness (MCU, 8.3k Words)

Steve’s not actually a morning person, despite his body’s insistence. It’s quite possibly the one thing about the serum he’s not immensely grateful for. Forcing himself up and on a run to burn through the overwhelming, restless energy that builds bright and early would be much more tolerable if it were a few hours later. Tony decides to do something about this.

Steve is a (Wonderful) Person But A Terrible Patient by Neverever for sadieb798 (MCU, 3.5k Words)

Tony is assigned a new patient, Steve Rogers, who has a lot of medical issues and Tony is ready to help. But he finds he has something to learn from Steve.

Come With Me by ChocolateCapCookie for meidui (MCU, 3.4k Words)

“Do you have any plans for the weekend?” asked Tony. “Besides trying to volunteer at every charity in New York, of course.” Or the one in which Tony isn’t sure if Steve is a stalker or just a really, really good guy.

I surrender to you(only you) by captainstars for AvengersNewB (MCU, 1.6k Words)

He doesn’t know if the first time is a mistake. The phone rings. The sound is so unnatural that Steve almost doesn’t answer it. And then he scrambles for it, but the finger that presses on the answer button is still impossibly gentle. ‘Steve,’ Tony mumbles. Steve squeezes his eyes shut. It’s late in the night, but no one in the compound sleeps. It’s quiet nevertheless, and for a moment the only response Tony gets is Steve’s rasping breaths as he tries to gather what is left of himself.

Courting the Old Fashioned Way by zappedbysnow for Infinitywrites (AU, Art)

There’s a new mechanic in town. He bought a small ranch and fixes cars on the side. Steve is just being neighborly, welcoming him with some pie. It has nothing to do with the guy being cute. Nope. Not at all.

in the laundry room by wingheads for captainstars (616, Art)

steve isn’t so much ashamed by getting caught holding tony’s underwear in his hand as he is aroused by catching tony secretly wearing his jacket.

my curse is that I bill by the hour by picturecat for Fluffypanda (MCU, 5.5k)

Steve Rogers, the 21st century, and his no-good, really awful, legitimately-cursed first week in it.

(you look so lovely) running through my head by robertdowneyjjr for tinystark616 (MCU, 5.9k)

All his life, Steve has dreamed of a gorgeous brown-eyed brunet genius who’s too smart for everyone around him. Everything points to these being soulmate dreams, but that doesn’t make any damn sense when it seems like Tony’s in some far off future and Steve is just trying to get through a life of illness and poverty in 1930’s Brooklyn. Against all odds, they meet anyway.

In the Depths by waywardmillennial for WikketKrikket (MCU, 5.1k)

Prompt: Steve gets pranked on national TV as part of a charity TV fundraiser. It’s embarrassing, and leaves him feeling shaken in a way he didn’t anticipate. But it was for a good cause. So he’s fine with it. Really.

you’ve really missed a trick when it comes to love by meidui for ChocolateCapCookie (MCU, 2.3k)

Steve thinks he’s happier than he’s ever been, or at least he should be. This is the closest he’s ever come to having everybody he loves in one place and the Compound doesn’t echo with emptiness anymore, and he’s seen more of Tony in the past few months than he has in the last seven years. He’s still getting used to being with Tony again, this softer, older version of him, and how difficult that makes keeping his hands to himself because all he wants to do is touch him.

good enough for you by tinystark616 for Neverever (MCU, 4.6k)

Steve is having self-esteem issues because he feels like he isn’t good in bed. Tony finds out and decides to do something about it.

All I Need by VenomousSoliloquy for purpleicedteas (MCU, Art)

Sometimes Steve finds himself lost in doubt. Tony always knows exactly what he needs.

Summer Whispers by ABrighterDarkness for starksnack (MCU, Art)

Tags include ‘horseback riding’ but there is no provided summary.

my plus one has a plus four by starksnack for zappedbysnow (MCU, 7k)

five first date attempts + one first date

Magnum Opus by FrankTheSnek for wingheads (MCU, 6.3k)

Magnum opus (noun): a great work; a large and important work of art, music, or literature, especially one regarded as the most important work of an artist or writer. Steve does not believe in true mates, they are just an old wives’ tale. The man he has been dreaming of and turned into his greatest masterpiece is just an imagined muse and nothing more… Right?

Now and Then by Wikketkrikket for picturecat (3490, 10.6k)

Things haven’t been right between Steve and Natasha since she got back from a business trip overseas. How did things go so wrong, and can Steve make them right again? Also; they’re trapped in a basement.

Just Right by AvengersNewB for LadyGigi (MCU, 2.3k)

Omega Steve wears sexy lingerie, even though he’s deeply insecure about the way he looks in it. Alpha Tony is there to show him how perfect he is; wearing the lingerie and in general.

I’m on fire, but I’m trying not to show it by Fluffypanda for FrankTheSnek (MCU, 2.3k)

Steve misses being an omega. Tony helps him out with that.

Wish You Were Here by One and Five Nines for ishipallthings (MCU, 1.8k)

Steve starts sending Tony postcards

[Comic] Man Out of Time, Fish Out of Water (Prologue) by LadyGigi for VenomousSoliloquy (MCU, comic)

Mermaid Steve is swimming to the ocean surface with a bag full with human trinkets for his friend, Sam, to demystify when he comes across a red comet in the sky- at least that is what it looks like until it flies over him, revealing its humanlike form, and crashes into the water near the human island. Steve must decide if he will heed the warnings of his kind or investigate this once in a lifetime occurrence.

[midnighttrain-project]

Hello everyone!

First off, I would like to thank all of you for your continued support! I usually publish short updates on my personal Twitter (or should I say X now?), but I thought it would also be fun to make long posts sharing my experiences and thoughts about the development of the game.

So, I decided to start a new series of articles talking about random things about the development of the game, like some kind of journal! I don’t use Tumblr lately, since I reach more people with Twitter, but Tumblr is perfect for long posts like this! 

I hope you will enjoy this content!

🌙🚂 Let’s start with a recap! 🚂🌙

I’m currently working on a remake of my second game, Midnight Train. The remake is titled Midnight Train: New Moon, and is being developed using RPG Maker MV.

Originally, I only intended to add new content to the original game, like new endings and an epilogue, but I ended up changing the engine and remaking everything from scratch. Thanks to all the feedback I received from the original release, I'm currently working hard to make the game more enjoyable for everyone!

Since it's a remake, it has a lot of new features that weren't present in the original: new graphics, alternate endings, improved gameplay, partial voice acting, many new cutscenes and events… and much more! But let’s talk about the new features in more detail in another post~

🌙🚂 Progress 🚂🌙

Since this is the first blog in this series, I think I should talk about one of the things most people are curious about! “How’s the progress of the remake”?

Before answering that question, I'll explain how I divide the work. Basically, I focus on each chapter in linear order. These would be the main steps:

◆First step: Working on the artwork ◆Second step: Mapping in Photoshop ◆Third step: Eventing all the maps in RPG Maker and testing ◆Final step: English translation

After I finish all these steps, I start working on the next chapter, using the same steps! 

Creating the maps is the most time consuming step because I also design and plan new mechanics, puzzles and new cutscenes, so it takes me a lot of time to finish them. Thankfully, once the maps are finished, I'm quite fast with the eventing, since everything is already planned!

Well…! Let’s answer the question now! “How’s the progress of the remake”?

I’m currently working on the maps of Chapter 2, which means Chapter 1 is fully completed, including the english translation! I’m almost finished with the maps of Chapter 2, so I hope I can start eventing soon ~ 

🌙🚂 Expected release 🚂🌙

This is one of the questions I usually receive, so I also wanted to talk about it: “When will the game be released?”

The answer is… I don’t know!

I’m working really hard, but it’s impossible to predict when I will finish all the work. For now, I can only offer updates about the development!

Which leads to another question: “Why is it taking so long to develop the remake? Shouldn’t it be faster than developing the original game?”

Honestly, that's what I also thought! But the reality is that the remake is taking twice the amount of effort that required the original. Or even more. Why does it require more effort? I think it will be easier to understand with this picture:

This is the comparison between two maps. Even though they look quite different, it’s actually meant to be the same map in-game. This map is basically a hallway that connects two maps, the purpose has not changed, but the map itself is different.

In the remake, I’m trying to create maps that are more interesting to explore, while trying to retain the charm and purpose of the original. This means I also added new events for the new environments, including new puzzles! There are a lot of new things to discover, and you can also learn new things about the characters.

However, the main inconvenience is that I can’t reuse anything from the old version. I must create everything from scratch, including:

◆Creating new dialogues when you interact with the new elements. ◆Adding new visual effects. ◆Creating new events that match the aesthetic of each map. ◆Adding new sound effects (voice acting and terrain sounds) ◆Adjusting old cutscenes to the new environment. ◆Creating new puzzles, depending on the map. ◆And more! The list is long!

So, in the end, working on this remake is like working on a new game. A more detailed, polished and professional new game.

🌙🚂 About the developer 🚂🌙

I usually don’t post much about myself, since I’m quite shy! But I also wanted to talk about myself a bit more~ 

As you may already know, I’m Lydia, the creator of Aria’s Story and Midnight Train! I’m often told by my friends that it’s weird to use your real name on the internet, but I like using my name haha

I also use the name LydiaBluebell on social media. Why Bluebell? Because it’s a flower that means humility, constancy, gratitude and everlasting love, which I think summarizes perfectly my journey with game development 💙 Thanks to everyone that supports me, you have my gratitude and everlasting love!

🌙🚂 Final thoughts 🚂🌙

Oh…! I think I already wrote too much in this post! If you’re still reading this, thank you! I hope it wasn’t too boring…! Next time, I’d like to talk about more specific things!

If you’re curious about anything in particular about my creative process, don’t hesitate to ask a question and I’ll try to cover it in the next post! 

See you all next time!

[jjba-personals]

In Short (tl;dr): basically, yeah lmao So I guess a little history recap is in order: I didnt make this blog, I came in on the tail end of its active life around mid 2017 (Mod Akira), I made a few fun edits that got some attention here and there, but interest kinda fizzled out over time for reasons I'll explain in a sec. 2016 was a pretty big year, I'm sure you remember it. In addition to everything else, that was basically the year all the usual responsibilities in the adult world hit me all at once, and carried into the year following. If I remember right it was around late 2017 that the other mods all left for likely similar reasons, but I stuck around for another year. Even outside of personal stuff for the mods the following years were also about the time where gimmick blogs started to really wane in popularity. By 2018 there were still posts but then two major events happened that really killed it: -The Porn Ban of '18 sheared off a considerable amount of Tumblr's traffic with many rats users, including myself, running from one sinking ship and boarding the similarly ill-fated ship that was Twitter

and even if I'd stuck around

-Legislative crackdowns on human trafficking meant that Craigslist had to shut down their Personals section, and the gimmick twitter account we were largely relying upon to cherry pick interesting sections similarly ceased production

Even though I'd left Tumblr behind I never deleted my account, which was ultimately very convenient for when X burst out of Twitter's shambling husk like some parasitoid wasp prepupa. I came back a couple years ago and have just kept the keys to this blog in my back pocket. The sharp-eyed among you may have even seen the rare few times i reblogged something to here only to quickly delete it. So now here we are! In the present time, with all the hopes and anxieties that brings. Will you do anything with this blog moving forward?

Maybe. I'm open to suggestions. I dont really feel like handing it to someone else or deleting though. Maybe pivot to a different group of uniquely lonely hearts trying to find a connection. Do you still like JJBA? I'm not as big and enthusiastic a fan as I used to be but yeah, I still really love JoJo and I'm anxiously looking forward to finally FINALLY seeing part 7 in motion. I have little doubt that it'll look great, my fears lie mostly with Netflix after how they completely screwed over Part 6's distribution. My favorite part and they just threw it out into the air with little to no fanfare, shit sucks. Also it looks like Araki's age is finally starting to show, so hopefully he can finish Part 9 and live to see his magnum opus be completed. Why write all this crap? Because I love hearing myself talk Because even if nobody really gives a crap and the reasons for the lack of activity are fairly standard and predictable, transparency is just nice. As I get older I realize more and more that honesty really is the best policy, and theres a distinct lack of it in todays world. I'm nearly 27 now and I've contributed very little honesty to the world in that time, so an abandoned JJBA gimmick blog seems a good place as any to start.

[umbralstars]

Heya! For Seph? :D

3. What first drew you to this character?

4. Did you initially dislike/hate this character?

6. Do you have any nicknames or pet names you use for this character?

8. Does the character’s looks/design matter to you?

Oh this is perfect I needed a break from sketching. This is gonna be a long yap:

3.

Okay so this is a complicated one cause he's come in and out of my life. When I was a kid I got to play a really tiny bit of og FF7 on my cousin's PS1 and he scared me a little skdjf. But it was in a way where kid me was weirdly drawn to him...before Pokemon took over my life and I promptly forgot. I was tangentially aware of Sephiroth in pop culture (my first experience of Aerith's death was a YouTube top 10 video spoiling it for me skdjfh i don't remember what this video was but I was like ":0 he can do that??"; I think I also watched a video discussing his boss fight at one point where I got introduced to Seraph Sephiroth), Kingdom Hearts, and finding out of context clips of Advent Children, thinking his theme song was really cool, and generally finding pretty fan art. So it was 100% a deign thing for a long time. Smash cut to December 2020 where he's revealed for Smash Bros and idk what it was but Something happened in my brain. That trailer unlocked some kind of sleeper cell because Sephiroth was so damn cool that I was like "I Need to know what that's about for real this time." I took the winter break to play through all of OG after buying it on my Switch and I was Fascinated by Sephiroth (and the rest of the cast; dare-I-say this game is peak). I then went on, what I would lovingly say, a hyperfixation bender. Where I would watch an entire playthrough of Crisis Core (before Reunion came out; I have played it at this point), read every single novel and semi-canon writing from the devs I could find, read a lot of metas on Twitter and Tumblr (including Alto and others here; I was just too scared to interact cause I was more of a Tumblr lurker at the time), and also read a Lot of fanfics. I bought a whole PS5 just so I could play Remake cause I needed more. So to recap: it was mostly his design and how he scared and fascinated me. Then it was finding him so damn cool that I had to figure out more. I stuck around because he is one of the most fascinating characters I have ever had the pleasure of experiencing. In my mind he kinda fits in with the "humanoid dragon/animal/alien" and "divine characters which are gods or divine entities or treated as such in their narratives in some capacity but they are also Very Human" character boxes who are always my favorites. And the fact that he is such a villainous and malicious character who was once so gentle and kind (plus how I could go on a multi-page diatribe on his many narrative roles and relationships) makes me feel like I can only express how I feel about him if I start chewing on the walls.

4.

So as I stated above Sephiroth scared me as a kid skjdfh. In a very non-specific way, but the answer to this question is "No." I adore a good villain and he is one of the best; no notes. I do love seeing him lose tho it's very satisfying. To answer the reverse: I love a completely normal amount :)

6.

So "Seph" or "Sephi" is the obvious one but I do affectionately call him "Feathers" occasionally. In my Cloud file on Monster Hunter Rise I do have a Palico named "Kittyroth" so there's that too.

8.

Yes! I wouldn't spend as long as I do staring at his Remake design if I didn't love it to pieces. Being as it's what drew me to him in the first place I do think it's very important to me. He is so expertly designed. There's a reason he's iconic. But I think I focus on different parts of his design? The most important parts to me are: his silver hair (long or short; I think he looks good with both), cat/snake/dragon-like eyes (I like them being green more personally; but I think he also rocks blue when you do see that), and the generally dark/black color scheme broken up mostly by silver. I agree with Ever Crisis in that he looks good in purple and red. The long flowing coat and exposed chest is also a mix intimidating and funny and I think it's very important. I wouldn't have Sephiroth without there being something flowing in his design. Also his wing??? M'wah, perfection, Advent Children blessed us with that addition to his design and I agree with them tripling down on it. It completes him. It is a crucial part of his design. Another aside: I am so ready to see Seraph Sephiroth in part 3 I want it So Bad.

Thank you for the ask!

[omgjayjayposts-blog]

The ending was disappointing.

All I’m saying is it could have been better. The recap episode they included was useless and unnecessary. If they didn’t include the recap episode it wouldn’t have felt rushed and incomplete. I just thought it was weird how they added a recap when it was only 12 episodes.

I understand the theme they intended to label the show, which was family oriented. The two main protagonists having their lives changed by taking care of a 4 year old girl. With both protagonists having different circumstances and how Miri affected them as individuals. But if it’s family oriented shouldn’t that also include their relationship as a couple/friends?

Kazuki and Rei’s relationship confused me during some scenes. Especially when they wanted to separate from each other after Miri was taken away from them. First of all they were friends before Miri, Kazuki literally took care of Rei when he was in his darkest moment. Not only Rei but also Kazuki, he was also grieving from his late wife and then found Rei and tried helping him by reverting Rei’s life and his own. Rei also acknowledged that in episode 8 when they were in the car and were revealing how they met. Rei also admitted he wanted Kazuki to leave him alone yet also liked his company, “I wanted to tell you to back off” and “but… it wasn’t so bad”. How do you go from that to all of a sudden wanting to leave each other? Like if that were me, I would still want to be with the person who was with me in my darkest moments. Like sometimes they had cute moments but then it’s like they had some sort of switch and all of a sudden had zero interest in their relationship.

Kazuki and Rei’s relationship towards the end was great in the sense that they stayed together for 10 years and raised Miri. But it also frustrated me when Miri mentioned Kazuki went out with some girl the previous night. I felt like it was unnecessary and made people bear in mind that Kazuki is STRAIGHT and hasn’t changed his old habits. like they literally wanted the viewers to realize that even though he’s co-parenting with Rei, he still prefers being with women. Even though they had subtle queer references but that’s just me.

Personally I felt like it ruined his development, he had been abstinent from hooking up with women because he had no desire to be with other women. I genuinely felt like it could have possibly been to respect his relationship with Rei, even though they were in a relationship as friends he still felt loyal to him. Maybe it also had to do with the fact that he felt complete with Miri and Rei so he wanted to dodge that aspect of himself and move forward. But then it’s mentioned again in the last episode as if to clarify Kazuki feels incomplete with his partner and wants more. And because it was the final episode it made it clear Kazuki and rei are platonic.

There are some who say it’s because the producers couldn’t make them an official couple for unacceptable reasons. But are together based off of the way the producer keeps liking certain things on twitter that makes them canon. So if they were actually cannon why include that one scene where Miri mentions Kazuki being with another woman ? They could have just removed that scene and left the viewers wondering if they were or weren’t canon.

And yes, I felt like they were sort of hinting at the fact it was a possibility Kazuki and Rei were going to be together romantically towards the end. Certain scenes made it appear that way, like for instance when they were in the car. Not just that scene but also when they retrieved Miri and Rei was telling Kazuki he still wanted to be her father WITH KAZUKI.

And when Miri was trying to take a picture with them. Rei and Kazuki were hesitant and it only implied they became more distant and aren’t comfortable with each other even though they have been together for 10 years. Like why? Shouldn’t they have a better and more comfortable relationship considering they have LITERALLY BEEN TOGETHER FOR 10 years ????? Idk it just rubbed me the wrong way.

I would have loved to see Miri growing up. Rei and Kazuki explaining what happened to her mom and how they ended up together as a family. Rei and Kazuki’s relationship progressing as partners. The ending was okay, though I wish it would have ended differently.

[ingravinoveritas]

How will you feel if Georgia and Anna turn up in GO2? Or any other assorted family members?

(Grouping all of the GO 2 Anons together since there are quite a few, and in order of take hotness level from Mild to Medium to Habanero Spicy...)

So, to recap the seeming order of events up until now (though I'm sure everyone is probably well aware): Three weeks ago, Neil made this post featuring a behind the scenes photo from GO season 2. Almost immediately, Twitter detectives set to work trying to ascertain the identities of the three people in the photo, and it very quickly came to light that both Peter Davison and Ty Tennant have roles in GO 2 listed on their respective CVs on their shared agent's website:

Shortly after that, the news appeared to be confirmed on the Radio Times website, and was subsequently picked up by a number of other media outlets. Most of these seem to be repeating what was reported by Radio Times, and while (from what I have seen, at least) there has been no official confirmation from either Amazon or Neil, the roles being on Peter and Ty's CVs seem to have convinced most of the fandom that they are in the second season.

I think there are several things we have to consider when talking about all of this. The first season of GO came out in 2019, and since then, the world has, well...I suppose "gone completely tits up" is one way of putting it, but the world has changed dramatically, and the circumstances around filming and production of television have also changed. Thus, when GO season 2 was filmed in Scotland from October of 2021 to March of 2022, the set was extremely locked down tight due to Covid safety protocols.

In all likelihood, it probably would've been very difficult to get actors for smaller roles or as extras, so from a purely logistical/practical standpoint, that is what could have led to the casting of Peter and Ty. There is also no way to know who the characters of Alastair and Ennon are, so for all we know, these could be very brief appearances where the characters are in one scene and then never appear again.

With that in mind, let's turn to the subject of nepotism, which I have seen mentioned quite frequently since the alleged casting was announced. I think what people may not be seeing is that there has been a marked difference in the reaction to Peter/Ty's casting from the hardcore GO fans vs. the wider public on Twitter. With the GO fans, there seems to be this attitude of tiptoeing around the word nepotism and everyone needing to be super happy/thrilled at the prospect of Peter and Ty (and possibly Georgia, but more on that ion a minute) being in GO 2, or otherwise you're a "bad" GO/David fan.

The wider public, however, has no such compunction about saying the word, often repeatedly, and with additional color commentary. What I wish the fans on Twitter understood is that this is something to be genuinely concerned about, because when the second season comes out, it won't be enough for just the hardcore fans to watch it. The show needs to bring in new viewers, and if people are as turned off by perceived nepotism as they seem to be, they won't tune in. Without those viewers, season 2 may not perform well, and if that is the case, Amazon could easily say "Well, GO season 2 didn't perform, so we're not going to greenlight a third season."

That is why it matters. Because even if casting Peter/Ty was done out of necessity/practicality, it ultimately comes down to people's perceptions, and overwhelmingly those perceptions are of nepotism and/or stunt casting.

For me personally, I certainly was and am not thrilled at the idea of Peter and Ty being in GO 2 (let alone Georgia and Anna, which...I might need a stronger drink before I write out my thoughts on that). But this does not in any way have anything to do with me disliking Peter or Ty, and in fact goes back to what I've always been most concerned with, and that's the integrity of the show.

Thinking back to 2020, I'm reminded of the heart-achingly beautiful audio clip that was released just a few months into lockdown, in honor of the 30th anniversary of GO's publication. Neil didn't write a new scene for Shadwell and Madame Tracy or Newt and Anathema...he wrote a scene for Aziraphale and Crowley. It was Michael and David whose performances resonated so strongly with all of us and with him, and he specifically chose to bring them back as Aziraphale and Crowley to mark that occasion.

When Staged came along shortly thereafter, it was created to build on that chemistry and relationship between Michael and David. Staged was meant to remind us of Good Omens, not the other way around. So I do feel that, when it comes to Peter and Ty (and Georgia/AL) being in GO season 2, it would be a distraction to have them there, rather than an enhancement. Not even because of the acting--as Peter is a seasoned actor and Ty/Georgia are decent enough (though AL is the exception, as she categorically cannot act, which we have seen)--but because of the principle.

The reason so many of us have greatly anticipated the second season is the relationship between Aziraphale and Crowley. So for me, casting any of these folks in the show (but particularly Georgia and AL) draws attention away from the Husbands, almost as if to say the relationship between Aziraphale and Crowley is somehow less/not as worth our attention as their "real" relationships. It also goes back to what I mentioned above about stunt casting, and again, if the viewers the show very much relies on see it that way and are turned off by that/perceived nepotism, it may cause the show itself to suffer overall.

So those are my thoughts on the potential casting of Peter Davison/Ty Tennant and Georgia/AL being in GO 2. I suspect we won't really know the truth about who is or isn't in the show until it's released, but to the Anons who felt they are alone in having feelings of hesitation over these casting decisions: You are very much not the only one who feels as you do, and I'm glad you felt comfortable enough to write in and share your feelings with me. We'll just have to wait and see what happens...

[anotherblblog]

Utsukushii Kare Eternal/Japan trip thoughts part 1

I posted a recap because a friend on twitter wanted to know what happened and I wanted to share what I saw so other interfans and interested folks could have a play by play recap of the movie. It got some attention lol but honestly I don’t mind because I think that’s what fan communities are for. I’m happy to be able to share and contribute for other fans.  I saw Utsukare Eternal three times in theaters because earlier I was collecting these movie cards and there were pre-purchased tickets and I wanted to use them. From talking with other fans and reading other recaps, there are some context/conversations my recap didn’t cover but I don’t think I wholesale missed anything. 

I also appreciate the comments and questions and I’m happy to answer and explain what I saw. I wanna add some more thoughts about seeing the movie, some preamble:

some bl movies aren’t “movies,” they’re recaps/recollections/reduxes of the prior seasons and based on the trailer, I felt hopefully Utsukare Eternal wouldn’t do that

with season 2 being released so close, I then wondered if it would be like Gameboys season 2 and Gameboys the movie meaning they would both share a lot of the same material but have different POV structure

I knew 100% there wouldn’t be subtitles but I’ve been a fan of anime and bl and other medium that is not in English and I haven’t ever been daunted or turned away from that 

ok so then I find myself in Japan for the first time and a new twist on my bl journey, specifically for Utsukushii Kare, has been trying to track down and keep up with their updates and presales and releases. It was a lot of fun but also meant I couldn’t really forecast or keep my schedule. I chose to keep pivoting and adjusting things to try and acommodate Utsukushii Kare since the movie was the anchor event of my much longer and ongoing Asia trip so I felt fine pushing back on other things to chase limited merch. 

ok ok so now for some movie thoughts

the return of Hira as the sole pov, I did really miss Kiyoi’s pov and narration but he got plenty of scenes without Hira and it’s not like he was absent or diminished but Hira had the sole pov spotlight

I also like that this installment in the Utsukare story for me showed that Hirakiyo are pretty solid as a couple but still have room to grow and things to  discover about each other but now the plot/narrative required outside forces

Kiyoi is still my number 2 favorite bl character behind Gav from Gameboys. Hira might move a spot or two so I need to think about where I want to place him in my rankings. 

the movie didn’t seem like a series finale conclusion but I think it could be a satisfying conclusion if it was the last installment 

with the movie pulling back to Hira as the sole POV, we did not see a lot of the original supporting cast and even Hira’s own supporting cast, Koyama, wasn’t in the movie a lot. 

I know there is another novel set after the novel the movie/season2 was based on, so there’s still canon to go 

I’m gonna miss Hira’s house but HiraKiyo having their own apartment could be really amazing

Kiyoi discovering Hira’s Kiyoi shrine was hilarious and also set up for the other obsessive fan

the bathtub scene was amazing

the two high heat scenes were good and the domestic fondness scenes were cute too

anyone who says the kisses and sex scenes are unnecessary are the feds and/or lame af

I love that Kiyoi is still sometimes shy but now Hira meets and confronts it directly and doesn’t let Kiyoi run away and by movie’s end, Kiyoi still gets overwhelmed/flustered by his feelings for Hira but he doesn’t turn away from Hira, he reaches out to him

Hira still is jealous and insecure at times for reasons that are completely unfounded as Kiyoi is as loyal to him as he is to Kiyoi but Hira always being Hira is just comforting to me too

my favorite visuals - the Anna waterfall photoshoot and Kiyoi’s last photoshoot and the classroom confession

the trailer shot of Hira taking Kiyoi’s picture with the sunset behind them absolutely is a top top top fave

HiraKiyo having the NaruHina run through their prior costumes was really cute, that’s what I love about when a visual medium leans into being a visual medium

I really hope it’s not the end of Utsukare and hopefully this box office success pushes them to continue 

ok, I know I have some other questions and responses so I’ll answer those in a separate post

[kaigayoso]

2023: too much

i used to think that my writing would suffer when i wasn’t depressed anymore and that turned out to be somewhat true. not that i was like debilitatingly depressed in the way that i used to be when i was younger but like the general feeling of depression that comes with a mass amount of instability in your life. 

this might have been the first year post initial covid where i actually had the mental capacity to process what the fuck just happened in the last few years. i changed jobs, i moved across the country, i am a completely different person than i was in 2020 or 2021 even. and i love who i’ve become. 

writing that feels somewhat foreign, and acknowledging it to other people even moreso. liking who i am feels like a betrayal to the persona that has gotten me through the past couple years - someone who pushes through amidst all of the self hatred and flagellation to achieve and earn that big, beautiful life. 

i turned 30 this year and to be honest it’s been something i’ve been looking forward to for years. there’s a capricorn trope that we benjamin button as we age, meaning that after an initial set of hardship years in our youth, we learn to ease up as the fruits of our labor begin to flourish. we somehow act younger as we get older. whether as a coping mechanism or confirmation bias, i have believed that with my entire being. i don’t think i’ve ever spiritually felt this young and alive before.

for those of you that are new on this read, hey. this is year 5 of this format and year 8 of me taking the time in december to actually recap what this year meant to me. truthfully this has turned into a thing i cherish and love greatly so i appreciate anyone that reads these as it is incredibly personal. 

i read all of my past editions before writing this year’s and it’s crazy to have a pretty accurate depiction of you in a single instance, i feel like i write these for future me as i do for present and past me. there’s something here directly correlative to some inner child work which we’ll get to in a bit but i don’t think i have an articulate way of phrasing why i love these essays so much except for the picture of me getting to share these essays with my future kids so they could see that their dad has had some really incredible memories, insights, and people he surrounded himself with. when my dad died, all we had left were his letters to us over the years and i remember thinking how sudden it was that these became finite. i think that’s when i realized that there is a set number of times to tell someone you love them. how can you create something tangible to embody that love?

here we are in december of 2023 and i will look back on this year as the year that i realized i was enough. and what a beautiful feeling that is. 

i got coffee a few months ago with my philosopher friend ian (we met on twitter, whole thing) and we went back and forth a few times about the concept of peace. i waxed poetic on something and immediately felt the twinge of cringe, that i had boasted a little too much or was pushing too far on my friend, and apologized for the casual narcissism. he asked why i felt the need to add a caveat to my statement and i didn’t have an answer other than the honest one: i didn’t want you to think that i thought of myself like that. 

there’s a need for the ability to be able to sit with your feelings and discomfort and work through them. as a compartmentalization king, this has been one of the more difficult things i’ve had to learn but think i have gotten infinitely better at it. i can sit in silence with myself at the table and have no anxiety about it. what no one told me about is how this needs to be learned for the good times too. mind blown! learning to stand still and be loved is the hardest thing of all.

everyone in my circle is incredibly ambitious, something that has really pushed me. you really are who you surround yourself with. i think my close friends has had multiple iterations over the years: proximity based when i was in various levels of schooling, history based as i transitioned into post grad life and began to build a life for my own in a city away from my closest friends at the time, and now this current version, one that probably is a mix of both but with my newfound identity permeating through it all. i get to look at my friends and see my favorite version of myself. isn’t that what friends are supposed to do? bring out the beautiful parts of you?

i’ve had a couple rough patches in the last few years but i’ve gotten through them with the help of my friends, both current and past. i think the funniest thing about 30 has been how my relationship with time has fully changed. i used to feel like i had so much time to do everything, that my life was moving at a clip that was wholly unsustainable but so fun and so full of color. this year, i couldn’t feel more differently. at some point in the spring this year, i felt it; i felt the switch flip. i was now acutely aware of just how fast time really is. 

this dichotomy was a bit of a mental jungle gym for a bit, on the work side i could not wait to wake up every day. we’ve had a really incredible year at work and i think that’s reflected in just how excited i am to get to it every morning. weeks flew by this year because i was always building something that i was excited about and there’s no better feeling that seeing something you’ve spent so much time on begin to bloom. i felt it in my clients, the work we’re doing, my team, and even in myself. in the earlier years of range, the job felt a bit like a jacket that was a little too big on me and now it fits. i’m really proud. personally, it became important to treat my friendships and personal relationships as a priority which counterintuitively meant slowing down. when you factor in work travel, events, conferences, and a life in two cities, it becomes very easy to just be a passenger and engage with what’s in front of you. 

a life in constant transit requires intention. i needed to slow down and make sure i was carving out time for relationships that were important to me. for me that meant being there for the small stuff, the random nights for drinks after work or running errands on the weekends. i was in nyc for the entire summer basically (a 32 day stint and a 28 day stint, two of my longest in one place in years) and i got to enjoy the familiarity of being around. i was always down for a drink or dinner or adventure and my friends knew it - i was reliable in that way and i cherished it.

something happened last year where i lost this exact cornerstone of my identity. i didn’t really know what was important to me. don’t get me wrong, last year was net positive and special for a number of reasons but that was not me there. i have an unruly habit of editorializing people and situations (i’m a storyteller at heart, that’s showbiz baby) mixed with a bit of intuition, i was so overly focused on preparing for whatever my mind could come up with that it put me at a distance from actually experiencing my life. i was so worried about losing people, i was convinced i was off my rocker, i was concerned with how i was being perceived, what my narrative was… it’s all very not me. well, actual me. i used to think i was psychic until my therapist told me that hypervigiliance was a trauma response and that i was just really good at context clues. last year i continued to get more of what i thought i wanted and it just kept feeling off. i chose to ignore the feeling.

i remember a conversation i had with my friend TJ years ago before life got really crazy where he praised my predictability. if there was a wedding or birthday or promotion or new relationship, i made it a point to be there for my friends. i was running a close circle of 50 people and it was what i wanted. a few years ago i realized i was so involved in my friends’ lives that i hadn’t really built a life for myself. i had a huge circle of friends and a great job but i was purposely neglecting building anything for me. i felt trapped by the weight of my own definition of “being a good friend/person.” i was starting to hate myself for not having my own life. 

i’ve been selfish the last few years, there isn’t really a way around it. and i think it’s fine to admit that, i’m human. i’ve been known to have debilitating FOMO over the years and last year i began to have FOMO on what i was “missing out in my life” by going and doing the right thing and being there for my friends in their big moments. i missed weddings, birthday, baptisms, all because i had created this narrative that the life i was living would be negatively affected if i were to miss anything that served the narrative. i began to resent some of my friends for having lives that began to diverge from mine, the ease of commonality we used to share now replaced with other friends/relationships/priorities and catch ups now spent trying to find new ground other than old memories. in return, i began to weaponize my absence in their lives as my life continued to grow bigger.

seeing that in writing is pretty difficult honestly, it’s not that fun to see an imperfect side of yourself in writing no matter how obvious. i didn’t know who i was without my friends and to see them fall in love, start families, and enter a new chapter together was really hard. i read a long time ago that the true measure of a friend is the ability to be unconditionally happy for them, and i’ve actually never had an issue doing that. and now, all i could feel was left behind. so i did what i do best, and i ran. i stayed away for a while.

i moved to nyc because it had the greatest concentration of my remaining single friends and, we will call it what it was, it was a very drastic effort by me to run away. so many of my problems were LA-centric, the people i left behind or wanted to leave behind, a life that i had built from the ground up that used to bring me such effortless joy now felt suffocating. i went to where i could find predictability again at a cost that was just so high.

i’ve spent a lot of this year making up for what i did last year. i made up with a ton of my old friends, ate a lot of shit that i absolutely deserved. i moved without telling people or making a big deal out of it because i didn’t want to come to terms with the fact that things were changing. i’ve always hated change. it was embarrassing to admit that i didn’t know how to grieve the end of an incredible chapter of my life so i instead chose to prolong it by not admitting that it was over. i’d be back in LA a ton, it’s not like anything would change… ya ok brother.

it was important to me that i go back and make things right this year. i was going to make this life in transit thing work. i was committed to staying in nyc (i genuinely love it and view it as the best thing i could’ve done for myself) and i realized the only way for me to be able to enjoy it was to go back and deal with all of the damage i had caused. these were relationships that used to be the most important in my life and people i knew intimately well, if i wanted to keep them in my life then i needed to kill my ego and actually do the work. 

there’s an amazing vogue article i read about talking to ex-friends and what you can learn from those talks about yourself. as a former people pleaser, this was pretty much the apocalypse - admitting that you let someone down and coming to terms with the consequences. for the sake of brevity (we’re on page 4 and i still got a few life lessons to go) i’ll summarize them as best as i can (initials changed):

A & B were my two best friends/former roommates in LA and were the last people i saw when i left for new york, things were great then. at some point in the months after, i had gotten it into my head that they hated me as they continued to post with our old friends and i distanced myself from them completely. when we spoke, there were issues we needed to discuss together but we were all surprised that none of us ever hated each other. we had all missed each other but they were never going to voice it to me if i had not taken the initiative to give them the forum to do so. my narrative about them turned out to be completely false. now they are two of my first texts whenever i have LA plans, we are actually in the best place we’ve ever been as friends.

C was my best friend during covid and is genuinely one of the greatest people i have ever met. our friendship developed so beautifully over the covid years going from a party friend to a hangout friend to a first call friend. we connected on all levels as sons of immigrants and wildly ambitious entertainment execs and had such fundamentally deep conversations that we had talked about being in each other’s weddings. he could’ve been one of my best men. naturally avoidant, i remember a story one of our mutual friends told about the only fight they had ever gotten in and the drastic measures he had to take to get C to talk to him about it honestly so they could work through it. as our friendship began to deterioriate with my move, he tried in his own way to get me to talk to our friends and i didn’t. we talked recently about appreciating the friendship we used to have but there wasn’t a way forward for us. i had hurt him deeply. he didn’t think the trust could ever be regained and i felt that too. 

D was one of my best friends growing up and, at a wedding during covid, he and my old friends completely iced me out. a rare social situation where i ended up completely alone. that one hurt. we sat and he talked about how i made them all feel. like i was always going to be onto something bigger and better than them, that for how nostalgic i tend to be that i would never actually turn around and look back for them. i didn’t have an answer other than i’m sorry. we probably will never be close again but there’s no beef here.

there’s something inherently freeing about coming to terms with being imperfect. it was really important to me that i created a space for my friends to have a really difficult and honest conversation with me. i know i can get defensive and emotional and shut down and i wanted these to be productive because i wanted them in my life again. the commonality i found in all of these conversations was the acknowledgement of the love that was still there. it is really hard to look at someone you know everything about and see anything other than love in their eyes. these conversations were a result of our shared history and our future, or lack thereof, was not up to me. and i had to be okay with it. in the case of C, there had been too much time between now and then. he met someone he will probably marry. his life had moved on without me.

after these conversations, i had nothing left in LA to be afraid of. and i felt that. i had dealt with so much of the trauma interlaced with the city and my life on the west coast that I actually started to feel the passage of time move once again. in a good way! in the wake of these conversations, i had tapped back into the me that i wanted to be, that i had always been up to that point. i showed up for my friends. i did what i said i would. i have people i care about deeply and they care about me. with this newfound momentum, i started to try and do the things i’ve always wanted to do. i started standing up for myself and advocating for my own needs. i stopped saying yes when i wanted to say no. 

at some point in the last few months, i started showing up as the version of me i wanted to be. my life started to feel different. i want to use every cliche in the book here because it is that beautiful to me. 

i’ve spent a lot of my therapy sessions lately trying to come up with the right way to describe this so it’s a bit unfinished but i’ve landed on the idea of assured confidence. i don’t have many questions about who i am anymore. i’ve operated from a place of fear and abandonment in my personal relationships for so long and i finally can begin to enjoy the big, beautiful life that i’ve created for myself. there are people that really love me and now i can finally feel it without questioning it. 

i wanted to end this with one of my favorite realizations this year. yes, i have a fear of abandonment. yes, i have a fear of change. but the greatest of them all has been the fear of being too much. this one has always cut a bit deeper given the code switch of growing up closeted, you learn how to audit yourself in real time so that you aren’t too crazy or emotional or dramatic or gay. you learn how to mute your own brightness for the sake of being more palatable to others. 

moreso in the last 2 years than any other i’ve been called my most hated word: dramatic. and i am, just to be clear. i don’t shy away from the fact that sometimes things mean more to me and i have an emotional reaction that can be outsized. i’ve had that word weaponized against me in every way this year, from former friends to peers to people who honestly don’t know a single thing about me. i wish i listened to my gut in those moments, things were off and i was right the entire time. but what’s the point of being right if everyone is worse off for it. i was lamenting a few weeks ago about the most recent of these situations and jack started laughing, to which i had a totally reasonable reaction of having a complete meltdown. he goes “it can get dramatic but you aren’t dramatic. you just care. a lot. it comes with the territory. and to be cared for by you is one of the greatest gifts i have in my life right now, i wouldn’t trade it for anything.” 

friendship is a privilege with a price. you need to be around people who understand the first part and are decisive on the second. whether intentional or not, i have spent so much of the last few months surrounded by only friends i can be my entire self around. and i can feel it. i go out and feel fully present, one of my best friends asks me to be an usher in his wedding so yes i will obviously cry at the bar, i make my friends text me when they get home and they appreciate it, i tell them i love them every chance i get and they say it back. for the first time, i feel like i can rest. like i am enough. like i am loved. because i am.

i can’t tell you what the meaning of life is but i can tell you the meaning of my life in this moment is making the people around me feel seen and loved. i love it and it makes me happy. i hope i remember this when it’s hard. i talk about grief all the time because it’s a feeling i know initimately well, it’s a feeling born of loss. this year i discovered the love in grief. it’s in all of the unsaid i love yous, the things you never got to do together, the song that reminds me of you, the quote that speaks for you. there’s a lot of people i have had to say goodbye to or have to love from a distance, it’s the nature of change. i hope they get everything they’ve ever wanted and i don’t hear a single thing about it. i’ve come to appreciate the collage of love that i am. i am everything and everyone i have ever loved. 

dear orpheus had one job: not to look back. he could have had it all if he just hadn’t looked back. i think i will always look back, it’s who i am

[clownwix]

Tumblr art year end recap!

I was very active on tumblr this year, it was nice to be back

[demonicintegrity]

The Will Wood Drama - an explanation and breakdown for those who need it TW: Allegations of grooming and manipulation, talks of unhealthy/toxic relationships, and talks of relapsing into self harm

So yesterday (7/31/22) a user posted a twitter thread saying he was groomed by Will Wood, and it has been archived by someone else* with og screenshots being found and showing the account that wasn’t in the og thread.** But I will be recapping and then giving my insight. It gets long.

TL:DR: Op has a deeply unhealthy relationship with Will where sexual intimacy is on and off in cycles. Both parties are negatively effected by it. I believe Op that it happened and that it caused serious harm but I cannot find the specific behaviors of grooming/manipulation/emotional abuse in the thread Op makes.

Notice: Do not harass and give death threats to Op. I don’t care what you think or believe in this situation, it is never okay to deliver death threats. Nor does it excuse being insensitive pricks. He’s been mobbed enough by stans who cannot give the situation delicacy and nuance. He’s still a person who was hurt and is still hurting. There is no intent of maliciousness from him, do not assume that.

*The archive has censored nudes of Will. Which is completely uncalled for and wrong to do. Nudes were exchanged with consent under the explicit agreement that it stay private. I understand that Op was being mobbed for proof that this was Will, posted, and the quickly deleted it. The archive has no right to keep the images nor do I think it was a necessary addition of proof that the exchange happened. I also hear a rumor through the grapevine that these photos allegedly don’t look like him and/or were doctored but I am in no place to confirm/deny because I don’t know what Will looks like either than a white man.

**Another rumor is that the insta account wasn’t manage by Will and thus could’ve been someone impersonating him? I don’t buy that because the later text messages do reference the insta ones. But I also don’t follow Will’s social medias so idk who manages what and where and what he types like. Again not my call to make.

Edit: As new information comes to light it will be in the replies. New links have been added already. In one of the links we see more people come forward with further problematic behavior from Will in the past. If you have further information, read what’s already in there and then explain your own. The asks on my blog regarding this are more broader discussion than actual evidence gathering/analysis, that will stay in the replies for convenience.

At age 18 in 2018 op becomes facebook friends with Will and they had a casual friendly relationship. Time passes, they meet at a concert in 2019 and talk, more time passes and they moved to snapchat and again, was friendly. They talk and Will finds out Op is selling nsfw content of themselves and expresses some interest even with guilt. Because there is an age gap and he is aware Op is a fan. There are screenshots of that and him mentioning it would be “cancel city” if people saw he bought nudes from an 18yo fan. (worth noting that op does state that they were talking on snap but the screenshots are of an insta convo here, but benefit of the doubt that it’s a slip.) Pictures are paid for, Op feels “starstruck” but fine with this even tho Will expresses some residual guilt.

(Note: I am not jumping at Will’s guilt and unease here as proof of bad behavior. People feel guilt for sexual desires esp when it’s taboo, even when it’s 100% fine. Just as I’m giving Op grace, I will give Will grace too, I know nothing about either them as people. But I do know feeling guilt over sexual attraction because it something you can’t control, and I do know famous people are esp prone to judgement and anxiety that can be internalize. Yes there is an age gap, but they met as adults and he has never personally known them as a child. The experience difference from age can be a valid concern in any relationship, but in the context of just buying pictures I don’t think that’s relevant.)

The night afterwards Will brings up sexting for money but pulled out, being personally uncomfortable with it and then wanting the sexual undertone of their relationship to be removed. Op says thats fine and that’s that. 

The next part is Op expresses some self-conscious issues regarding being in college classes and a certain incident not elaborated on. We get a screenshot of Will comforting Op citing they are mature and smart. Here Op says that it sounds like the “youre so mature for your age” sentiment perverts use to get close to kids, and although they want to believe Will is just being nice they now think it creepy because it coupled with Will’s earlier worry of being “cancelled” for buying pics of an 18 yo.

Now the full sentence is “You’re smart and mature and you have a good head on your shoulders.” I personally don’t think this is creepy or being used in the same way as a pervert would. If my friend was insecure about being in college that is something I would probably would say to them too. In context, I feel this is fairly innocent and doesn’t prove anything wrong of Will.

After that they’re talking just as casual friends for a bit. Eventually Will makes a sexual advance again and it is reciprocated. Free of charge they would exchange pictures occasionally. It is here Op openly admits to feeling completely dependent on his praise and feeling as if he didn’t, Will would leave.

Now there are no screenshots of conversation to be further proof of Op’s word that Will would stop being friends if they weren’t sexting. Giving Op the benefit of the doubt, those feelings were genuinely felt. But I genuinely don’t know if Op felt that because Will had made some comment to suggest it or Op’s codependency was feeding that anxious feeling. I simply do not know. As someone who has been codependent in an intimate relationships before and still has anxious issues, I can tell you that even though these fears are genuine and have mental and physical effects, sometimes they really aren’t founded. It doesn’t mean theyre invalid fears, but it’s just not very applicable to the current situation.

Again, I cannot be 100% sure whether that worry here is founded or not. Considering Will had been able to keep a friendship with Op before and after the introduction of sexual pictures, I can see where the nagging thought would be there but that also shows he was capable of being friends without it. idk. So while I’m keeping it in mind that op has this fear + codependency because it will color their side of future interactions, I am also giving Will the benefit of the doubt that he’s unaware of this complex. After all, they’d been friends with healthy communication for a time.

It is now that Op says these next messages and timeline specifically come from insta. Op describes this as a cycle. They would sext. Will would then feel weird about it. They would stop. He would get “bored” and then it would start again. And this cycle would continue until march 2020. (Now i dont know what Op means by “stop” whether it would stop only the sexting or communication altogether. I’m leaning towards the former and assume that going forward.)

Now, is this healthy? Absolutely not. It sounds like Op and Will are in an unhealthy cycle of being attracted to and wanting each other’s attention. But being unable to properly expressed and place and enforce boundaries down of what attraction this is and how that relationship should be. It a definite issue, but something they both need to communicate in order to find a solution. When it comes to what a relationship is, it requires both people to work together to find a way to make it work to decide if it’s not worth it anymore.

Op does not elaborate further on this cycle. Which is fine, I wouldn’t want to think a lot about it if I were in that place either. What memories mightve felt fine and good in the moment definitely can feel tainted and fuzzy later due to new associations to the event/someone in the event. I get it.

If Will had intentionally encouraged Op to be codependent, lead Op on, that would 100% be on Will and be a terrible terrible thing. That would qualify as grooming and manipulating them. Worth every bit of condemnation. However, this thread doesn’t elaborate if that happened. And at the point Op doesn’t claim that, just that it was a cycle. A clearly unhealthy one. We have no idea what it looked like beyond the sexting starting and stopping.

I do want to clarify because I saw some people saying this: You can be groomed at any age. Kids are not the only ones groomed. It’s just that an adult/child dynamic is the easiest to leverage and most recognizable. You can also be groomed regardless of occupation. I understand Op was selling nsfw content, that doesn’t mean he’s suddenly immune from grooming. All grooming requires is using pressure to force you to take on a certain role. This pressure could be from emotional or physical abuse, leveraging authority, leveraging status, basically anything. In this specific case, the implication is that Will would’ve leverage his status to get Op to do things. The fact that there is an age gap would imply that because Op is younger, Op would have less experience and knowledge that could play into Will’s advantage here.

That is entirely possible, but at this point in the thread, Op doesn’t claim that happening. And there are no screenshots here, so there is no dialogue to see contribute to that reasoning. Not saying it couldn’t exist, but it’s not presented. So while I’m believing Op that something unhealthy was happening between them, I’m not placing a word as to what type of unhealthy relationship it is without more context.

Op goes to Will’s last show before the lockdown, talks to the bass player more than Will and then gets home to see sexual messages from Will. I have no idea where in that cycle this incident would be in. Just that this happened during the cycles.

After that show, lockdown starts. Op’s home life gets really traumatizing during this. This additional trauma is relevant because Op would turn to Will during these times. Citing him being a friend and having relevant experience regarding the traumatic development. This is also during the cycle of have a sexual relationship with Will, in their own words saying they were a “sexual object” to him. Again, no dialogue to be seen so I don’t know where exactly Op is getting this, but if he felt like an object, he felt like an object. I cannot dissuade that. No one has a right to make calls on what someone else is feeling. I can only wonder where it came from and what contributed to that feeling. The most I can confidently say it’s that this unhealthy cycle was causing it, but not what specifically about it. We’re not provided further elaboration and I’m not gonna demand that of Op.

One night of this traumatizing development at home around 2/3am Op is on a spiral at genuine risk to relapsing into self harm and turns to Will. Will stays up with them until 6am to help them through it. Op is calmed down and goes to sleep safe and unharmed. Op describes the next few days of him being extremely grateful that Will did this, while Will is being standoffish with one word replies. Eventually Op confronts Will and asks if he had done something wrong.

This is the correct course of action. If Will was upset at smth Op said he should’ve said something instead of being vague and standoffish. That is on Will, but that’s poor communication, not necessarily manipulation.

Op then quotes but doesn’t provide screenshots that Will says Op was being manipulative, only coming to Will for sexual purposes, and made him out to be an “emotional dumping ground.” Breaking that down, there is no cause to assume Op was being manipulative. There is no cause to believe Op only wanted sexual attention from Will, in fact Op already stated it was the attention from a local star that drove a lot of this attachment. Op seems willing and okay with sexual intimacy at this point, but I don’t think Op wanted only sex. It is the “emotional dumping ground” aspect that likely has some genuine weight to it.

Op is already dependent on Will for emotional support and going through a lot of trauma. And as someone who’s been there, it’s so easy to dump on the person you’ve formed a codependency on. Both appropriately vent and inappropriately dumb baggage on them. It’s not fair to the other person, even when they do want to help. I’ve been on both sides of that, it’s awful. I don’t think Op was intentional in harming Will if they were dumping trauma on him often during this time, but it doesn’t mean it still couldn’t have caused harm. It’s already established that Op and Will’s relationship had serious communication and boundary issues at this point. I am not surprised that Will would’ve felt like an emotional dumping ground in this situation.

Op goes on to say he’s mortified that “someone that [he] revered as a god-like figure, [told him he] was being manipulative for asking for help.” And no, asking for help is not inherently a manipulative thing, in fact the “asking” part is what gives the other person a healthy chance to not help. Telling someone they’re manipulative for asking for help is a huge dick move. On the other hand, asking someone to talk you down from relapse is tall order. Now I don’t know if Op specifically told Will a relapse felt oncoming when first asking for help, or it was revealed through prompting and conversation later on. Regardless, it was made apparent to Will, hence why he stayed up with them. I don’t know how those hours went down and I would never ask Op to try and remember how it did.

But asking someone to help you through a mental health crisis is a tall order. Especially at 3am to a person you have an on and off inconsistent relationship with. There is a reason you go to someone trained in a mental health crisis, they are prepared and know how to help and handle your situation. If you ever find yourself in Op’s position, call/text a mental health service line. The one I’m familiar with is 741741, double check for what is in your area/country. No matter what that is going to be a key and/or turning point in a relationship. I am not saying don’t go to friends/family/partner when youre struggling, but you also have to understand they’re not always going to know what to do. And if this is happening over text, which is what happened between Will and Op, there’s even less they can do now coupled with knowing they can’t do much if things take a turn. It’s an intense emotional labor that yes, some people are more than willing to do for someone they love, but that doesn’t mean it’s still not a difficult thing to ask.

I feel for Op, I really really do. And Will is wrong to call that manipulative, because I genuinely don’t think Op was intentional trying to harm, but I can 100% see and find it valid as to why he would be uncomfortable with that incident. It’s not an excuse to be standoffish for days but yeah, maybe it takes time to figure out how to address that.

What raises a big red flag for me is that Op openly admits to revering Will in a god-like manner. Under no circumstances should you be revering anyone like that. I knew Op was dependent to the point of codependency (I should clarify that codependency is my interpretation of this, not Op’s.) but holy shit is that so much worse. That is such an unhealthy mindset to have towards someone and it sets up any relationship to be unhealthy and poor. And the thing is, Op doesn’t elaborate where it came from.

If this is indeed grooming, Will would have had to encourage and enable and endorse this god-like image. For starters, I have no idea if Will knew or figured out Op had this mindset. The only thing seemed to have been made explicit is the trauma Op’s enduring through lockdown and as such the codependency would’ve been made obvious. And if I recall correctly, Will has stated he doesn’t like to be idolized by his fans. Most people don’t and I do know that celebs are the ones that have to be explicit in saying they don’t like idolization because it happens so much. 

What I make of this revering is that unfortunately Op had set themselves up for tragedy. Having such bad idolization and dependency from the beginning he seemingly couldn’t get away from. Even if you enter a healthy relationship, that is how it gets severely damaged if you don’t keep it in check. I can say that with full confidence because I have damaged a good relationship with codependency before. It’s unfortunate, it’s a tragedy, but that’s how the cookies crumbles.

Now, if Will intentionally put that mentality onto, enabled, or intentionally capitalize on that, he would 100% be a manipulative person in this. Deserving to be condemned and held accountable for taking advantage of a vulnerable person. But at no point does Op say he knew or enabled this. I’m assuming Will has caught onto the dependency, but only because the traumatic environment Op was in had him cling to Will. And I can see being sympathetic to the situation and thus not addressing the dependency right away because it could ease up once the trauma isn’t actively happening. I don’t know if he was aware of it before lockdown and certainly don’t expect him to have thought he was being revered in a godly manner at any point.

All Op elaborates is he still struggling to ask for help because of this. And I do not blame Op for that, I feel for him because I have the exact same struggle because of previous relationships. And that Op and Will barely talk for months after this confrontation. At this point Op is heartbroken and feels like he ruined everything.

Then Op’s feelings about the situation evolves after speaking to friends about it. Now the feeling is that Op was “groomed by a man with insane power over [him.]”

I don’t want to bash on Op’s friends. I don’t know what they were told and the context or any of that. I am sure they only want what’s best for Op and have his best interest in mind. I will never fault someone for genuinely believing something bad happened and pointing it out. However, I still don’t know at what point this relationship became grooming. It was definitely unhealthy, and probably toxic at some point, but I do not see where Will intentionally leveraged power to make Op do something. It’s not in any dialogue exchange shown. Maybe the screenshots have been lost, which I wouldn’t fault Op for. All I can gather from the relationship is that it’s unhealthy and clearly brought distraught to both sides. I believe Op that something unhealthy went down and fucked him up, I can see that. And if Op’s friends, who likely have more details, believe something wrong went down I am inclined to believe.

I’m just scouring and rereading and I can’t find the grooming behavior.

Sometime after Op’s evolved feelings, Will reaches out to apologize to Op. The screenshots provided are of an apple text exchange. Will apologizes for acting hot and cold, and for making Op feel like he didn’t care. He says it’s not a reflection on Op and it was on him and his own issues. He says he recognizes he did something wrong, he is working on it, and that it is “too little too late” in Op’s case, but he is sorry and wishes him better. It is a solid apology. I do not see faults in it and so long as he keeps to his word that he tries to improve, he’s done his part. Sounds like he’s made his peace with his part in the relationship.

Op accepts the apology and then tells Will he’s done some thinking and thinks it was extremely inappropriate it even happened. (I’m assuming this refers to the sexual intimacy part of the relationship.) He goes on to tell Will he should’ve been more mindful to who he speaks to and what he means to them. Op’s specifically points out their age gap and the fact that he idolized him. That there was a lot of power there. Will apologizes for taking a lot of time to respond, he’s collecting his thoughts, and then Op states he’s realized he’s “not entirely blameless” which I’m interpreting as he understands his idolization of Will is something he went into the relationship with, which isn’t Will’s fault at all. It also could be that Will didn’t grasp the full extent of the idolization and dependency, which again wouldn’t have been his fault either.

While Will absolutely should have addressed idolizing and then the dependency that became apparent, he is not a mind reader and had no way to know how deep it went with Op. It’s also entirely possible he’s human and just didn’t know how to navigate a relationship with the power tipped to one side. On that point, I’m not sure if there are resources for that besides couple’s therapy. And I can’t even say if they labelled themselves as a proper couple because Op never states what it was called. Certain relationships come with certain expectations.

(Personally I am of the believe if if you’re going into any intimate relationship, platonic, romantic, or sexual, what kind of relationship you’re looking for and are willing to be in should be an explicit conversation up front. It should also be a continuing conversation as it develops. But I also understand most people don’t enter relationships like that or take the time to think about doing that. And if it does works out find without that, I can’t find fault in that.)

Will doesn’t respond for a week and Op blocks him so he can stop focusing on it and move on. Good on Op, good for him. He then states that weeks after My Body Your Temple comes out, he reads the lyrics to it. This causes a spiral because the lyrics remind him of what happen, stating that it’s a lot of the language and sentiment Will used with him. This spiral is what prompts Op to write the thread.

I have no doubt in my mind it would’ve been triggering for Op. The first time thinking about Will after this and it’s a song discussing vulnerability and intimacy with sexual language. Again, I feel for Op. I don’t think it was Will’s intention to use language similar to that relationship. The song was written for a podcast called Camp Here & There. I’m not familiar with the podcasts but genius.com says it’s about The Elephant Man. Whatever character that is. I heard the song without knowing it was apart of the podcast, and his songs have like 100 different interpretations sometimes anyways.

Op said he felt free from the relationship after writing it all out, which I am happy for. Sometimes it takes writing and dumping it all out there to process and feel better and I want Op to feel better because he is clearly hurting bad. I do think this relationship was very unhealthy and has lasting effects I hope he recovers from.

I’m just confused at where the apparent manipulation and sexual grooming is. I reread over and over. I don’t know where is the behavior of Will intentionally capitalizing on Op. I don’t know where’s this behavior of Will forcing and pressuring Op. It’s possible that it’s there and just not in the few screenshots provided and just wasn’t properly elaborated on in the description of this relationship. But I see everything that says “unhealthy” but I don’t see grooming, manipulation, or emotional abuse like he said this was.

I believe Op 100% that something bad and unhealthy happened. Everything here really does strike a chord someone deeply hurt. And I genuinely feel sorry that it happened and I wish them peace and recovery and better things. But I’ve reread the thread over and over at different points in time. I cannot find what I can use to specifically label this unhealthy relationship as being groomed or abused. I don’t know where it came from.

And I’m not pointing that out to victim blame or make accusations against Op, I do not want more harm and harassment on him. I’m pointing it out because I think everyone would do good learn the difference between an unhealthy relationship and an abusive one. One that’s unhealthy by chance and circumstances vs unhealthy by deliberate actions and intentions. One’s a tragedy and the other a crime.

Op wouldn’t have made these things up. Everyone knows if you accuse anyone, let alone a celebrity, there are going to be people coming out of the woodworks to play devil’s advocate and tear into your life. Making up drama is not worth that. He also has the expressed interest of helping other people avoid what happened to him. And that is noble and good, especially when you’re doing that by opening up about something that has hurt you so deeply.

It’s just that, the lesson and warning I get isn’t “Will is a predator” it’s “Don’t place people on such a pedestal and then get into an intimate relationship with them without stepping away from that. Be wary of becoming codependent.” Both still valid warnings, even if it’s not quite what Op is going for. With or without Will’s name or age gap on the relationship, those are the two conclusions I see with how the relationship has been laid out.

(Another thing is that this whole thing was seemingly wrapped up with the apology. Op doesn’t accuse Will of these things in that exchange. Something understandable because its a weighty accusation to make to someone directly. Even the best of people will want a further confrontation from that, and Op was not benefiting from focusing on Will and that relationship at that point to begin with. It seemed like that was going to be that, and they both were going to be done with the relationship for good. But then Op’s spiral with the new song prompted the thread.)

Op later tweets he doesn’t care if people listen to his music, it’s not about Will’s career it’s Will as a person he wants people to be safe from. And he makes the valid point of hardly anyone knows him outside of the face of the artist, of course he’d be a bit different off stage. It’s also in that tweet where he says Will he made Op need “to keep going back to him validation.” Which again, I don’t know where that’s coming from, but I do believe Op when he says he felt that way. I have no reason not to believe him.

Obviously I’m not gonna blame anyone who doesn’t want to listen to Will Wood after this, even if just for a little bit because of how this development sours things. It is your choice to continue or not continue engaging with his content and how. I do think most people can give a little bit more tact to the sensitive situation. Be nice and civil to Op at least. Better yet, leave him alone. He’s been through enough mobbing.

I believe there was a call for anyone else who had an experience with Will to step forward if they feel comfortable doing so. If a legitimate pattern of behavior is revealed, obviously then accountability needs to be held. But until then this really does feel like a unhealthy relationship that was wrapped up and both parties were processing and moving on until the spiral happen. An unhealthy relationship that maybe we didn’t need to know about? I don’t know. But if for a moment, writing the thread gave Op relief and I’d never deny him or anyone else that.

I feel for Op so so much. This just doesn’t tell me enough about Will to make a definite conclusion on him. I cannot in good conscious alleged abuse because I cannot point to a specifically abusive behavior in the thread. Maybe in due time more will be revealed to shed more light on the situation. And if more evidence is revealed, it will inform my conclusions then. But as it is right now, it’s just a deeply unhealthy relationship worsen by circumstances and fumbling on both parties. And I feel bad, it seems tragic to me. And it doesn’t mean Op deserved any of this angst by any means, but what else could be said about it?

It’s 4am and I’m p sure I started this post around 10:30/11pm. I’m without internet rn so ig ill post this when I wake up from sleep. And at 11am this has been reviewed and ready for posting. I don’t typically feel the urge to comment on discourse, esp one of this nature, but I’ve seen some bad faith takes as well as some confusion and questions. And this is something I feel can help people get a better grasp on the situation.

Obviously, make your own conclusions. Believe the victim that something bad happened; but also when you give someone you don’t know grace about something serious, you should also give the other person in the relationship grace when applicable. You don’t know either of them. Also understand that relationships can come with some nuance to it, which is applicable here. Maybe the cards were always set up for failure. Maybe Will genuinely mishandled the relationship. Maybe Op’s revering and codependency is something Will couldn’t have handled well at that time. I cannot say anything for certain because I don’t know enough about how the relationship carried to make that call. All I can say with certainty is that it was a deeply unhealthy relationship for them both and that they both contributed to that unhealthy aspect.

[skepticalarrie]

https://twitter.com/onlythebrave_28/status/1435000433324347395?s=19

Welp 🚶‍♀️🚶‍♀️🚶‍♀️

Oh my god, Bria. I was just looking for other videos of Golden, because I really wanted to try to figure out what he said.

Credits: onlythebrave_28 on twitter

I'm hoping ______ hoping that someday I could be open. I know that you're scared because I'm still hoping.

There's also this other version here, is the best video I've seen so far. I don't know, I'm really not sure about the "I'm so done" part, it doesn't sound like "I'm sorry" either.

Quick recap:

This is the third time Harry adds something/changes this part of the lyrics. He did it for the first time at the Electric Ballroom back in 2019.

And it's golden and it's golden (or he's golden) and I'm hoping that someday you could be open. I know that you're scared I'm still hoping.

(there's also this version, which sounds like he's saying something completely different, maybe "I'm broken" at some point)

And then again in the Iheart Radio Jingle Ball 2020, which is the clearest version of that line

Golden, golden, golden, I'm hoping someday I'm open. I know that you're scared because I'm still hoping.

Is he saying the same thing in all of those, and it just sounds different because of the background noise? Or is he actually saying something different every time? What the fuck are you saying Harry, make sure to really pronounce the words next time, please, thank you.

Edit: I missed one, here. But he's apparently saying the same as the Electric Ballroom one.