#my thoughts on school shootings have become very philosophical over the years

[gyllenhaalstories]

SOUTHPAW, PART 1: HEADCANONS.

notes: dear anon: thank you for making me appreciate jake the rapper! also i know nothing about rap, so i’m sorry if this is pure trash! i never finished watching southpaw because it was too dark for me, but i took some very loose inspiration from it. warnings: mentions of dark past, mentions of sexual content... this got really long (2k words). gifs credits: alphalewolf. extras: if you want more informations about rapper!jake, please scroll through my blog. i have edited some older posts with the tag: topic: rapper!jake, so check it out if you’re interested. i have taken some ideas and put them in this list. (at the end of the list i provided some goodies!)

PART TWO WILL BE UPLOADED SOON, KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR IT!

attention, attention! please note i know absolutely nothing about rap. i very rarely enjoy listening to rap music, it’s simply not for me. this might be inaccurate and off compared to the actual world of hip hop and other similar genres. i apologize for my lack of knowledge! this is an au in which jake is not an actor or a producer or anything of the sort. his fame, he built it with his music. you must keep that in mind while reading these headcanons or else it will get confusing. also, i’ve taken some loose inspiration from jake’s actual work, but that’s just for the sake of backstory. are you ready to dive in this twisted fantasy?

Jake Gyllenhaal. Known as Hall. He exploded the charts after being picked up by one of the biggest record companies for his first album: Hall of Fame. He was a rookie, yet he was older than most of the rappers you can think of today. He worked his way up undercover. He started participating in poetry and slam nights at local cafés. He became a songwriter, through connections. He sold some songs that are absolute classics today, but he does not care. He did not feel like they fit him anyway.

Growing up, Jake had it rough. There was a lot of fighting at home. His older sister was the perfect angel and him? The absolute disaster child. It was not like he ran after danger and trouble, he seemed to always be at the wrong place in the wrong time, he hung out with the wrong crowd. He managed to avoid juvie on some miracle. What was the miracle, you might ask? He was caught robbing some local bank with his “friends” and the cops, at first, did not believe he was innocent. While his friends were screaming and threatening the innocent clients of the bank, Jake actually tried to help them out of the building safely. The cops arrived at the same moment and thought he was keeping the strangers hostage. He was arrested on the spot. The other guys played the victims, blamed it all on Jake but it was only when Jake wrote the whole story, from the beginning where his friends manipulated him and made of him their puppet to when he felt this adrenaline rush telling him he needed to save the strangers that night. His writing was too sincere, too raw to be a web of lies. The police released him, but they kept an eye on him.

His escape were writing and music. He impressed all of his teachers at school. Talented, gifted, magical. That was how they described Jake at every parent and teacher meeting. Writing dumb sentences that made very little sense and playing with a guitar after school, that did not make his parents very proud compared to his sister who was on top of all of her classes and working hard for a future of wealth and success.

Music was his entire life. He would come home from school and blast music until he was called out for dinner. Led Zeppelin, Aerosmith, Black Sabbath, Heart, Pink Floyd, Metallica, name it. He liked it loud. He liked it weird. He liked it with a deeper message, with double meaning.

He worked all types of jobs, some legal and some not so much. He was saving money for college. He applied. He got in. He started his classes. He had big dreams, too, he had ambitions. Maybe he could his talent to good use? He wanted to study philosophy, literature, music, creative writing... Anything that required thought and depth. He made friends, there. He befriended the edgy punk guy, he had tattoos everywhere, he listened to the same bands, he was quiet but his essays spoke volumes.

Jake was disappointed, his illusions were broken. He hated the format of his classes, the feeling like his opinion and his inspiration did not matter, it was always about meeting some stupid requirements to please a rich professor who did not care about passion, about talent, about originality. Jake dropped out, soon followed by his friend. His friend was hired at a tattoo parlor and Jake hung out there all the time. He would stay up until 5 am, 6, 7, all night and all day long. He loved the clients there. He would write and read his writing out loud to the clients when they were tortured by the needle shooting the ink in their skin. Talented and gifted, they all the same thing.

He started to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

He wrote, not just stories and opinion pieces. He started writing songs, melody and lyrics. He started playing them, he started writing his own poetry too. He was introduced to freestyle battles. And as he fought against other talented thinkers, he noticed he spoke with a tempo, with a rhythm. He was rapping and he did not even realize it.

His career sky rocketed from the moment a music producer attended one of the rap battles. He was famous, he got quite the thick wallet and the connections. Jake was introduced to legends of hip hop. They all influenced him as his career grew to become something overwhelming and terrifying, yet thrilling and addictive.

Hall had a style of his own, though. It was romantic, yet absolutely disgusting and dark. It was aggressive, yet vulnerable and philosophical. He spoke of his trauma, of his hatred, of his envy, of his fears... He used his songs as an escape. He was becoming his own escape.

And his own prison. His family did not care about him, he was a shame, even. Aside from his old college friend, he never built strong friendships. They were all after him for fame and cash. He slept around, guys and gals, threesomes, foursomes... He did not care, anything for some genuine connection, even if it lasted for a very lazy and messy fifteen minutes in the trashy bathroom of a concert hall. Rumour had it he was a great lover, but he was so bad at loving.

Now it gets interesting...

Hall rapped alongsides Eminem, Drake, Kendrick Lamar, Travis Scott... The biggest pop stars were fighting just to get him to rap a line in their songs. Rihanna wishes he was the one singing Love the way you lie, does that give you an idea? He appeared on duets. He wrote more solo albums, sold them instantly. He never left the top of the billboard in weeks, months, if not years. It never really got to his head. He was still that sensitive boy writing about knights and princesses in his bedroom with walls covered by band posters. Fans did not care about this side of him, they loved him for his lyrics about snorting coke, drinking his pain away and fucking whoever wore the tiniest skirt around.

His latest album, Southpaw, was an even bigger hit. Pure filth. Pure gold. Imagine 13 tracks, Cardi’s and Megan’s WAP but reversed. He does not rap about how good he fucks people. He raps about how good they feel. That’s some real depth here, no pun intended.

You met him at one of his concerts. Your friend won VIP passes, so you were standing in the front and got to take a picture with him. You did not understand the hype around taking a photo with this guy, he just stood there and looked absolutely emotionless.

You hated rap, or perhaps you loved it. You did not care much for Jake, that was for sure. You thought he was just another lame rapper who thought he was the real deal because his lyrics were so explicit, even the clean versions made angels cry. The truth was, you did not know much a bout him. You found him too commercial, like he was scared of becoming irrelevant.

You saw right through him already.

But him? He already cared too much about you. You caught his attention as he rapped his songs. He could not take his eyes off you. You weighted heavy on his mind, caused him to stutter and forget lyricvs. Fans laughed, they said he was probably too drunk or too high too focus. Drunk in love, that’s what it was.

There was something about you. Maybe it was the Black Sabbath shirt you wore. Maybe it was the unimpressed look on your face. Maybe it was your plump lips he wanted to kiss. Maybe it was the sight of you laughing with your friend that made his heart skip a beat. Maybe it was the fact you treated him like a normal person even if you had not spoken to him first.

So, you met backstage.

Your friend was beaming from ear to ear, showering Jake in compliments.

“Did you enjoy the show?” Jake asked you.

“For someone who shows no emotion, sound dead inside and look like they wish they were doing anything but making dozens of thousands of dollars by singing a couple of semi mediocre tracks, yeah, it was not that horrible.”

He was up for a challenge.

You two exchanged insults like it was a boxing match. Each round was getting more and more intense. It was no longer insults, it was straight up flirting. You noticed when your bodies were so close you could smell the scent of watermelon chewing gum that escaped from his warm breath. You could hear the way his raced even faster than yours.

You were snapped out of this fantasy by his bodyguard, indicating other fans waited for him.

He remembered the name your friend called out, saying he needed to bring you home before something bad happened.

It was the most beautiful name he had ever heard.

He hung out around that concert hall for the next couple of days. At the bar nearby, at Starbucks, at McDonald’s, anything for the sake of seeing your face again.

And he did.

You were walking out of the record store with a vinyl of Heart squeezed under your arm. You looked so happy. You had paint stains all over your clothes. You were erasing the memories of a terrible relationship by decorating your tiny apartment, and you needed to set the right ambiance. You needed guidance, you found it in the strong minds of the ladies behind Heart, in Joan Jett, in Stevie Nicks. You found your silver lining in music.

Jake ran behind you, he pretended he was out jogging and he mysteriously bumped into you. He grabbed your vinyl before it could fall on the ground.

“Nice pick.”

“We finally agree on something.”

Another round of flirty insults...

... That ended in the two of you fucking like animals on the floor of your apartment.

And fucking on the couch the next day.

On the kitchen counter the morning after.

And finally, on the bed. That was a really special one. Jake was the first person to be on your bed since the departure of your ex. He could feel that you were not in the mood for a rough battle for dominance.

That night, he made love to you.

For, quite possibly, the first time in his life, he expressed his love directly to somebody. “Princess, baby girl, beautiful, gorgeous, amazing”, he showered you in compliments, and praises. The slow movement of his hips, the intense passion in his eyes and love in his heart spoke louder than the music you were playing in the background to set the mood.

You were not just another trophee to hang on the wall. You were special.

He was special too.

He bought you every record that reminded him of you. He bought you collector items of your favourite bands. From the silliest decoration to a new car to replace your crappy one, passing by tickets to exclusive and sold-out shows, Jake had never felt more famous in his life than when he was with you.

His fans noticed the change in his songs, in his lyrics. They were just as explicit, just as rotten and just as corrupted. However, they came from a place of light and love, not of darkness and rage.

He sang about how good your felt when you climaxed around him. How drenched he was whenever he made you squirt. How he loved to taste himnself on your lips. How he was full of love and of lust for you. How he would quit everything if it meant he would live a normal life, for once, and with you.

You inspired so many songs that became massive world-wide hits.

You travelled the world with him on tour. You helped him design his new merch and you wore his t-shirts with pride. You attended concerts in your freetime. You loved staying up all night, painting and drawing while he was writing about this mirage of a goddess, blessing his existence with a smile and a sparkle in her eyes.

He was addicted to you.

He was crazy for you.

And he went crazy on you.

for research purposes and not because i wasted my time hearing eminem talk about stuff i don’t understand so i could stare at jake’s thighs

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mP_cKP4OjsA

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=whV5oQDvVWE

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UGqC9URTJIQ

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5imXD1LPnwo

and finally, for good measure :

@gyll-yee-haw​ ily

[dragonrajafanfiction]

Tokyo Love Story (Part 5) The Truth of Black Swan

The following Scene takes elements and themes from the novel scenes and game quests surrounding Akira and Kogure Sakurai and weaves them into the MCs journey in a way that is meaningful. This scene does not appear in the Novel or the Game.

Please Enjoy

You’re riding in the passenger side of Chance’s Audi R8, the city lights flashing across the pale makeup on your face. Caesar might have turned up his nose at the car, but you found it very stylish and unpretentious. It was a sports car you could drive to work. You stare out the window at the many people walking down the streets. Tokyo’s nightlife was just as vibrant as the daytime. Only, instead of being locked in the offices for work, people spilled into the streets to visit karaoke bars and eat street food. There were also plenty of couples holding hands and laughing. Girls in skirts and women in tight dresses walking with friends. Men in sports jackets and a few in suits and ties. The people your age were casual in t-shirts and jeans.

When you imagined going to the big city, it was something like this. Having lots of friends, going out on the town, enjoying food and walking under lights.

Chance’s phone vibrated. “Yes, she’s with me, we’re on our way to the safe spot, notify me of the all clear.”

His expression was grim and he spoke like a soldier reporting to his commander. You’d only seen him as a carefree guy but now he was acting as a member of the Devil Clan, a Yakuza organization. Looking up at this, you notice that he’s no less muscled than Caesar, but he was a bit more wiry and lithe.

“We’ll give it a couple of hours to let things calm down before taking you back.” He said, stuffing the phone in his pocket.

“Thanks,” you say. “I have a question.”

“Shoot.”

“Did Izanami really love Izanagi?” You rest your head against the window.

“That’s a matter of philosophical debate, even among White King Descendents. Her motives were selfish. She fooled him and lied to him. But when he betrayed her, no one can deny her emotional reaction had to be rooted in some genuine attachment.” He maneuvered the car as he spoke, keeping his eyes on the road. “The common consensus is, for dragons, love is never the goal. It’s a means to an end. Once that end is fulfilled, love fades or dies completely. If the object of the dragon’s love refuses to cooperate with the end goal, that love can quickly turn to hatred. Humans pursue love for the sake of it. But Dragons do not. The emotions are real, but they’re not the goal.”

“That seems manipulative.” You say.

“It can be. Keep in mind that Izanagi wasn’t exactly the best example of human love either. Bottom line, it’s not good for humans and dragons to fall in love. They both will end up hurt somehow. But it does happen.”

He keeps driving until the city spires flatten to more residential spaces. You pull into a small park with rolling terraformed hills and tiled roof shelters. Chance killed the lights on his car and opened the door, getting out with a briefcase. “We can hide out here for a while.”

At the center of the park is a large dark lake. The stars couldn’t be seen over the lights of the city and the moon was shrouded by dense clouds. He leads you by the hand through a pea gravel path. You could feel your cheeks grow warm. The idea of running away to hide from the world with a man was depicted in TV shows you watched and in magazines you read, but now it was happening to you.

“It’s going to rain tonight, so let's stay under the shelter until we get the all clear.” He said.

He settled you down on a bench and sat next to you. He was handsome, with his red hair in his ponytail and his green eyes in the dark. He took a deep breath and let it out. “Now comes the hard part.” He opened the briefcase and took out a thin yellow folder.

“Ruri Kazama wanted me to give this to you.”

You accept the folder and open it. Much to your shock, you immediately recognize the title. Black Swan Harbor Initiative! 

“You’re from Siberia right?” He looks at you. Those eyes glittered like jewels.

“Where did you get this?” You ask, anxiously flipping through the pages. There were photos of Black Swan Bay, just as you remembered it. There were even photos of orphans that you remembered, ghosts of the past. Vera, Khorkina, Anton… you pause. A knife of pain piercing your heart.

Renata’s picture stared at you, smiling from the yellowing paper, her eyes sparkled too, even in black and white.

“Ruri Kazama had it. I don’t know what it all means or where he got it from.” He reaches over and flips the pages back to the beginning. “He wants you to understand your situation. The reason why Black Swan Harbor was created. Black Swan Bay was like a dragon graveyard. Even though Cassell holds a lot of ancient artifacts, Black Swan Bay had the actual specimens for direct study of the creatures. You were created there as part of a study on making perfect, super hybrids.”

“What?” You whisper.

“I’m only telling you what I read. None of this makes sense to me either. You’re an 18 year old girl from 20 years ago. I…” He shook his head. “It must have to do with your bloodline, that you can rest so long and retain your youth. Anyway, because you’re not perfect, you will eventually become a deadpool. You’re a ghost. There’s no changing this.” 

He flipped over a page in the folder leading to Anton’s file. “This is from one of the research papers. The average lifespan of the Black Swan Bay children is 20 years before they lose their grip on humanity. This orphan was eliminated because he’d reached the end of his life.”

You stare blankly at the page. You remembered Dr. Herzog tested hybrid children thoroughly and then, around age 20, some were selected to go to school in Moscow. Back then, you had excitedly chatted with Z about how one year you might be selected. But instead of feeling excited for you, he led you to a lab. There, you saw Anton, who had been selected to go to the capital, sitting in a wheelchair. Despite his power to stop a bullet, he couldn’t stand.

Dr. Herzog was like your father. So your mind rejected his words when he said that going to Moscow was a lie. And when he shot and killed Anton, it was something your mind couldn’t fully process. This all happened 20 years ago but for you it was only a few weeks ago, and you realized you still couldn’t process it. It was like a missing puzzle piece, floating on the side table, waiting for its place in the picture. And now it snapped into place. 

Anton wasn’t ever going to Moscow. None of you were. Khorkina, Vera, Renata… You were all going to die by euthanasia. As deadpool.

Chance reached over and massaged your shoulder silently. You closed your eyes. No wonder Ruri Kazama told you that you were a perishing flower. No wonder he sang that happiness was fleeting. Ruri Kazama knew that you were going to turn into Deadpool. That you were going to die.

“So I only have a year and a half left?” You ask after a moment.

“I’m afraid that’s the maximum. You might have even less. I’m sorry.” Chance says. He drops his hand in his lap.

You take a deep breath, absorbing this terrible blow in still silence. “Thank you for telling me. I will show this to Caesar.” You close the folder and sigh again. Your hands are pinching each other hard to stem your roiling emotions.

Chance marvels at your reaction. “You’re a really strong woman. A lot of people would scream and cry in denial at this news.”

“I’m strong because my friends are strong.” You look out over the water, expressionless. The reflection of the moon peeked from its cloudy veil. It rippled but when it stilled, you could see the shadow of the moon, shaped like a rabbit. You weren’t sure what you could do to stop this eventual demise. Caesar promised he wouldn’t let you die. No… it wasn’t a promise, he just wouldn’t let it happen.

“Hm.” He chuckled, elbowing you. “Do I still have a chance to get a star-heart ticket?” He was attempting to lighten the mood.

You allow yourself the distraction. “Maybe.” You smirk and swing your legs under the bench. The wind was starting to blow, bringing the smell of rain, pulling leaves and cherry blossoms down from the trees to land on the water and make little ripples. The gusts disturbed the glassy water. It wasn’t the time for cherry blossoms, but odd weather had caused them to bloom twice this year. “Let me ask you something to test you. Do you seek death?”

Chance gave it some thought. “It’s not a matter of seeking it. I know it's coming. I just try not to think about the future. Live my life one day at a time, appreciate every moment.”

You nod and your eyebrows lift. It was a good answer. “I’ll ask you something else. Given the circumstances, if you knew you had to give up your life so I could live, would you do it?”

He laughed. “In a heartbeat!”

You turn to him and frown.

“What? Don't tell me you don’t like that answer. What do you expect me to say? It’s an honor for a man to give up his life for a lovely woman.” The stiff breeze had teased some hair out of your comb. He brushes your hair  from your face and tucks it behind your ear. The wind stirs the flowers in your hair while he watched you.

You shake your head. “Well, in that case, you’re not getting a star heart ticket.” You cross your arms and look away

“Oh come on, you’ve gotta be kidding me.” He leaned forward, trying to catch your gaze when you turned away from him. “What am I supposed to do? Just let you die? Look at you! You’re beautiful and smart and … and… you’re so strong!” Chance was shaking his head in confusion. “If that’s not the right thing to do, please tell me the answer.”

You turn to him again, your eyes blazing. “And you’re not beautiful and resourceful and strong? Why is my life, somehow, worth more than yours?”

Chance’s good humor suddenly fades and he lowers his eyes, damping his mood like a lantern lowering its wick. He turned back to face the lake, looking down on the ground, but his mind was somewhere far away. When he speaks again, it’s with a lump in his throat. He swallows hard. “You have people. I don’t have anyone any more.”

You knew that look. You had that look. It was the look of someone who had nothing else to lose, so why not give up his life for you? You reach out and put your hand over his and look him in the eye, even as the fires of grief ignite in your chest.

“The Hydra came for my family last week. We all lived in the same apartment block, but we’d never done anything. We were just an extended family buying out condos and dealing in real estate. But they were merciless. All my brothers and their wives were killed and f…” His voice caught and his eyes sparkled with tears. “My five nieces and nephews were taken prisoner.”

“Prisoner?”

“Yes!” His voice turned hoarse in distress. “Back in World War II, Hydra had these black prisons to lock up unstable hybrids. When the government found out about them, they ordered them closed. But twenty years ago, they started operating them again. If you resist and fight, they kill you. If you give yourself up… they lock you away in those prisons forever. I had been working when the raid happened. When I turned the corner on my way home, the whole apartment block was on fire! There was nothing I could do, so I ran away. That’s how I ended up at Club Takamagahara. That’s where Ruri Kazama found me.”

He turns back to you, his green eyes as dark as an endless forest. “It’s either death or prison and then death for me. So if I can make my death mean you get to go free and shine under the sun like you did tonight… I will absolutely take that.”

Your heartaches in sympathy. You scoot closer to him and rest your head on his shoulder and he wraps his strong arm around you and holds you close. “You’re not going to accept my next words, Chance. Because I didn’t want to accept them either. But I will say them because they’re the truth. Chance… you have to live.”

He let out a single bitter laugh, but he turned away and blinked away tears. “Didn’t you listen? Life isn’t in the cards.”

“You think it isn’t. I didn’t think so either.” You reach up and turn his face back to you. The tears wet your fingertips and sink into our nails. You’re willing him to listen but you understand that it might just be too difficult to accept. “But… you will be shocked at how long you can live if you really try.”

“What? Really try? Are you saying my whole family didn’t try hard enough?” His voice breaks with grief and anger.

“That’s not what I’m saying. If death comes then it does, but what I’m saying is, you shouldn't just… give up your life. Not for me. Not for anyone. Make death fight you for it.” You whisper. Your throat hurts. Your eyes burned..

“And then if I don't give up my life for you… what will happen to you?” Tears were slipping down his face and he trembled against you.

“I will fight too.” You reach out and twine your fingers in his hair. “We will both fight death.” You look up at him, determination filling your dark eyes, defying reality. You knew he probably thought you were a fool, that you were just fantasizing that you could both fight the fate you were given, hit the ball out of the park, and live happily ever after. “What’s the point of love if you both don’t make it out? If Izanami taught me anything, it’s better to end up in the Yomi-No-Kuni together.”

He sighed softly and he leaned forward until your noses touched, your faces wrapped in night shadow. “You already gave me permission.” He whispered.

“I know…” You rise up to meet him halfway. This kiss was nothing like Z’s. Z took you like something that belonged to him. In this case, your kiss was a gift, a bow to tie your words in an oath upon his heart. 

Chance was overcome. He rested his head against your neck, crying. He held you so tightly your ribs resisted against his arms to breathe. You held him like that until his sobs subsided. But you were in no hurry to part, instead you leaned against each other, watching the wind play against the water until your emotions calmed. Every few minutes, he would sigh deeply and kiss your cheek.

In the distance, thunder rolled. Chance’s phone buzzed. He reached down and looked down at it. “That's all clear. Let’s go.” He gave you one more kiss. “Here, you keep this.” He tucked the folder into your dress. “Thank you. I..” He paused for a moment and then just stood up.

He doesn’t remove his hand from yours as you make your way back to the car, but as you’re turning the corner on the path to the parking lot, he yanks you back! “Damn it!” He hisses.

The car was surrounded by men in black trench coats armed with swords and powerful guns. The way out of the park was blocked by a huge van. The park was so small, it would only take a minute to penetrate the entire space and there was nowhere to hide. Chance urgently whispers. “Quick! Let’s go to the other side!” 

How could they have found you? Kaguya?

There was no way to hurry and stay silent. The pea gravel made too much noise. If you stepped off the path the surrounding vegetation rustled against your clothing. You can only use your method of stepping in his foot prints to hide your own sound and it was hard in your ornate gown. Your heart was screaming with adrenaline as you started to hear voices behind you. In the back of the park, behind the trees and fountains, there was a high eight foot stone wall that enclosed it from the rest of the neighborhood. You hurry to it.

“I’ll lift you over the wall!” He said. “If you jump, you can make it over!”

“No, I’m not leaving you. We need to find a way out together.” You say, planting your feet.

“You’re serious? There’s no way! We can’t fight all those guys!” He hissed.

More voices are coming. You must have been heard! Bright beaming flashlights are sweeping the park. The men from Hydra are bounding up the hill behind you! The group fanned out. One member was sweeping up against the wall you were next to and heading straight for you. More voices are coming from the opposite direction up the path ahead of you. Apparently, the Hydra following you had alerted more men on the other side of the park who were coming around the other side to encircle you and cut off your escape.

Chance pulled you along the wall and together you crawled carefully against it, staying away from the ones approaching from behind and getting to the other side of this dragnet. As you came close to those approaching from the front, you noticed that there was no one sweeping the wall! If you could sneak past through this gap, you could make it past them!

You hurry through the gap and crouch still. The Hydra were only a few feet from you. You could see the shine of their leather shoes and hear them talking, but you couldn’t understand their Japanese. One of them laughed.  All they had to do was sweep their flashlights to their right to find you. You both hold your breath even though you felt breathless from running and staying low to the ground. You tremble there until their shoes turn away. Their footsteps finally started to fade, but you couldn’t wait for them to fade completely. 

“There’s a backgate this way.” Chance whispered as quietly as he could.

You could see it. It was covered in vines and looked like a maintenance entrance. It didn’t look locked but even if it was, it was less than four feet high  and you can both make it over. Your heart beams with hope. He returns your smile. You couldn’t wait to tell Caesar. He was right. His justice was right. You don't have to leave friends behind.

A sudden sharp hiss and a burst of wind rushes by your head! A silver projectile blade cut through the air and embedded itself into Chance's calf! Chance gasped and howled in agony! He fell to the ground, clutching his leg. You scurry towards the gate and dive behind a statue of a praying Buddha.

Chance is writhing on the ground, and moving away from something looming in the dark. Someone is approaching him as he scoots frantically away, begging. “No… No!  No! Please!”

Out of the shadows steps a young dark haired man. His silver-blue long sword glowed in the dark like a shattered piece of moonlight. His trenchcoat caught the air and it waved like the hem of the Grim Reaper’s cloak. He stood over Chance like a towering god, gazing at him with frigid black eyes.

Chisei Gen!

[ctl-yuejie]

Finally managed to add the translation for the second actor interview from the showing of Long Time No See at the Seoul Pride Film Festival

Disclaimer: This translation got a bit messy and I am not 100% content with it , but the video went unsubbed so here you go. I really liked and enjoyed his answers, especially the process of him creating Gitae and the behind the scenes info on the kissing and sex scenes were pretty interesting. Enjoy!

(You can find the translation with time stamps in the comments of the linked video)

YSH: Hello, I’m Yeon Seung-ho, who plays the role of „Wild Dog“. I’ve seen the movie for the second time today and while I do not know how everyone else has perceived it, it has been the product of hard work from the actors, the director and staff members, so I'd like to advertise it having that in mind.

(Conversation with the LTNS audience at the 7th Seoul Pride Film Festival -Actor Yeon Seungho-)

MC: Since the work is noir while also being a queer movie and you have to both use your body well and act emotionally, it must have seemed like a difficult role after receiving the script.

Question:  - Wasn't it difficult to transform into “Wild Dog” for the play? -

YSH: First of all, because I had to show totally different looks, I acted a little bit brighter in the beginning, and I don’t know if it was noticeable, but I thought that I had to be cuter and more flirty. In fact, the question was whether to break that bright character gradually over time, or to break it at once. However, with such a concept, in my case, I wanted to go the unexpected way and break that bright image at once and appealed to the director to do it that way. The director understood that, so I tried to act it out in that way.

Question: -How was the action scene shooting? -

YSH: I actually got hit more often than I expected, and since I wore short sleeves, shooting the action scenes meant that I got many bruises on my arms.

MC: If you don’t calculate correctly, you might get hit for real...

YSH: That’s why you might see some bruises on my arms earlier on. My lips got hurt constantly and our first and second shoots were actions scenes. It was very difficult for us to try and not get each other hurt. In my case, one action scene didn’t get used.

MC: That must be disappointing as an actor.

YSH: Yes, it just didn’t get used.

Question:  - What emotions did you face in order to act out same sex love -

YSH: You might know this, but we had more skin ship scenes than expected. In the original work there are only few kisses and hardly any skinship scenes.  Later on, we also did more adlibs. What used to get communicated by talking, turned into something happening between us and us falling in love. And as we were being in love and as conflict started to develop, just thinking about what normal people in love would do, we went with the flow.  When ordinary couples are together with just the two of them they feel like they want to kiss. Like the scene at the train tracks, we express the naturalness in those parts, and try to show a little bit the everyday as a homosexual person. Rather than showing who is different in those parts, we hoped to illuminate daily love, so I tried to use more of my skills and make an effort to make it seem as if Chisu was my first love, even if I don’t know if I succeeded in that.

MC: When you shoot kissing scenes or love scenes it must feel strange in the beginning and you might not know how to express yourself, but once you shoot it two times, three times and you get more comfortable, you might start to play around a bit. Did something like that happen?

YSH: To be honest, as I said earlier, we were at a point where we could do adlibs for skinship scenes, so I it was easier to do kissing scenes. When we shot the love scene it was my first time.  Not in real life though.

MC: I thought you might say that it was your first in real life, so I fretted where to tell you to lie, that’s why I said it like that.

YSH:It wasn’t my first time in real life, it was my first time shooting a love scene.

MC: With another sex or same sex, it was your first love scene.

YSH: It was my first time doing such a scene.

MC humorous: It was obvious that you got angry at me insinuating you were lying.* I am sorry. 

YSH: Thinking about how the love scenes should go, how and what I should prepare, there was nothing I could prepare.  I was going to do it, but instead of thinking about how the love scene would look like, Woo Seok Hyung’s breathing was very heavy (laughs) and I always minded about my shaving. It was really prickly. Usually, I can do what I’m told, but since there were these experiences it’s like a realized something new.

Question:  - Why did “Wild Dog” become a killer? -

YSH: In the original work there wasn’t a particular reason given as to why he became a killer, so I analyzed the character myself and when I created the character I thought about me and my sister’s relationship as “Wild Dog” and I got a little bit informed by how close we were and how we were living. 

Both our parents aren’t there anymore, my sister has raised me lovingly and even if the situation at home wasn’t as difficult, we are not living in abundance, so “Wild Dog” always seems to feel guilty about that.  I feel sorry for my sister so I do whatever I am asked to.  The only parts of my childhood shown in the movie is what happened at around the third year of high school, but my sister also understood what had happened without any words.  Even so, while I said that I love my family, there was a time where “Wild Dog” wandered around, and must have become twisted during that time.  People in the dark meet shady people so while I lived my normal days with my sister, if there was a need I worked as a killer.  It comes out in Taesan Seonbaenim’s (black panther) line as well: “I need a killer without a face”. Because of that I looked at the original work, took those parts together and created “Wild Dog” as a character who had lived such a live.

In the original work there are many parts where there is strong messaging.

It is a bit philosophic, but I chose this project because it is a movie concerning human rights -  or more particularly- it is a movie including a message about LGBTI people. Once many people watch it, I hope that they will focus on those parts when doing so.

In the future, as an actor, I will see you soon with other works and show you good appearances.

Thank you very much.

*„거짓말이라고 화낼 뻔 했어요.“ 03:28-03:30

This one threw me for a loop tbh and is the biggest reason I took so long. I think this is what the emcee meant by that. Their banter during this part was silly, so I think it does fit in context but I am not 100% sure.

[emma-what-son]

(Echee post) Did Emma Watson actually graduate from Brown University? Special treatment at college?

Posted on November 8, 2015

*PS this is a work in progress, will take a few days to get it in order...so apologies if it is incomplete Intro Emma has been talking about how important education is to her since she was 10. Even during the first interviews for Harry Potter promotion, back in 2001 for Philosopher's Stone, she was adamant about going to college. She's continuously said how important college/education is throughout the Harry Potter promotion years, but does what she say match up with what she actually did? She was playing along with that bullshit "Classy, educated" image she and her PR team (like her publicist Luke) have crafted for her, the one where she claims she is exactly the same as Hermione, the beloved character from the Harry Potter franchise. Course though, she's contradicted herself on that multiple, multiple times - sometimes saying she's exactly like Hermione, and other times claiming they're extremely different. There was some extremely strange stuff going down with Emma's Brown University Education though....as will be revealed below. And you'll have to start wondering if she actually did graduate or how much, how extensive and enormous, was the amount of special, unequal treatment she got for being a celebrity and a feminist (College campuses love pandering to social justice warriors/feminists - part of it is a natural love for them and another part is Obama forcing them to through the OCR and Title IX) Emma's Education Emma entered Brown University the Fall of 2009. Brown is a private, 4 year university/college in America. Emma entered Brown as an international student studying on an F-1 Visa. Okay Emma didn't do much BS during her first 3 semester (Fall 2009, Spring 2010, Fall 2010) at Brown and seemed to study there like most normal students, but it's after the first three semesters that things started getting extremely strange and Emma started telling a whole bunch of lies. Emma constantly raved about how awesome college is and gave every single impression she was going back to Brown in Spring 2011. getSurrey November 2010: getSurrey: Will you carry on acting? Emma: I will keep on acting. I’ve just been in a film called My Week With Marilyn. I’ve just finished shooting that. But finishing university is a priority. But I hope I do lots more things. I don’t really want to be put in a box – just yet. I’m not exactly sure. University Magazine Interview by Colin Turner (November 2010?): (Okay just note that this interview came out in June/July 2011 for Harry Potter Deathly Hallows Part 2 Promotion, but Emma mentions in the interview she just finished filming My Week with Marilyn, which happened in November 2010. Uni magazine is this student run magazine, so I'm assuming they don't do monthly issues (don't have the money/people for that) so it takes them several months to release an issue.) Colin Turner: You’ve gone to university, obviously, do you imagine taking up acting in the future or are you just seeing what happens? Emma: I just did a movie, finished something last week, “My week with Marilyn”, which is exciting. No, I think I’ll just keep doing things. But my education is my number one priority at the moment and everything else comes around that really. Parade Magazine Interview November 2010 (Emma Watson's Campus Confidential, interviewed by Jeanne Wolf): "I get some amazing offers to act, and sometimes it’s hard to say, “No, I’m going to stay here and do my homework.” People are like, “What do you mean she’s not available?” I may do some theater next summer, but this college experience is really important to me, and I won’t give it up for anything. I’m not going to school just for the academics–I wanted to share ideas, to be around people who are passionate about learning."

Echee says: Okay, notice how in November 2010 and even right up until January 17, Emma claims/gives the strong impression she's definitely going back to Brown University for the Spring 2011 semester. Big lol at the "this college experience is really important to me, and I won’t give it up for anything" two months before she did. By the way I have to mention the whole "Sorry for long absence from here - so much to do and so little time to do it in before I go back to school! Hope you're all ok x" was originally a tweet from Emma's @EmWatson twitter account but after she left university she deleted it lol. The picture I posted is from the official (that's why there's the blue check mark) Emma Watson Facebook page run by both Emma and her team. I guess she forgot to delete the facebook post after she deleted her tweet. For Spring 2011, the first day of classes was January 26 (per the academic calendar). Yet even at January 17, Emma stated she was getting ready to go back to school, hence her "so little time to do it in before I go back to school!" How the fuck can she be confused 1 week before classes start whether she's taking a personal leave of absence or not? Brown University Personal Leave of Absence Deadline

Brown University 3 types of leaves of absence

Okay, so of Brown University's three types of leaves of absence, Emma took personal. The deadline to declare you're taking next semester off is December 1, hence the Brown policy "If you are planning to take leave for the spring semester (Semester 2), you must declare by Dec. 1st." Either Emma was lying and trying to delay revealing she was taking time off to do her Perks of Being a Wallflower filming and BS Lancôme makeup and perfume work (very possible since she lies so much), or she was honestly undecided until right before, and thus requested special, unequal treatment that despite her missing the deadline, she should be allowed to take a leave of absence. Anyway I think it was special treatment from Brown allowing their publicity cow to get what she wanted. That means she was clearly lying in her January 17 tweet about going back to school.

This from Amanda Foreman, Emma's interviewer, for Emma's Vogue Magazine July 2011 interview: Emma struggled valiantly to fit everything into her life, becoming increasingly exhausted, until over Christmas advisors at Brown suggested that she take a leave of absence, a turn of events Yates was not surprised by. Notice how the Vogue article says it was "over Christmas"....Christmas Break for Brown starts after December 1, the deadline. First off, unless Emma's doctor signed off on it, then it was NOT a medical leave of absence, and her advisors gave her special treatment since she missed the personal leave of absence deadline already. And You know December 25 is over 3 weeks after the December 1st deadline, so that's an amazingly long extension despite the severe, absolute terms of "You must declare by December 1". Anyway, wowza, off to a bad start....getting special treatment when you're quitting school temporarily. Well, whatever, it's equality feminist Emma Watson that we are talking about here. She runs her mouth off talking about feminism and equality and whatever but like most Western (usually Caucasian) privileged feminists, have no idea what she's talking about. Despite Brown's Spring 2011 semester starting at the end of January, Emma kept quiet about all this until March 7, 2011. She announced it on her website EmmaWatson.com (which is now defunct and shut down): Here's her statement on March 7, 2011: As you know, I love Brown and I love studying pretty much more than anything. But recently I've had so much to juggle that being a student AND fulfilling my other commitments has become a little impossible. I've decided to take a bit of time off to completely finish my work on Harry Potter (the last one comes out this summer) and to focus on my other professional and acting projects. I will still be working towards my degree … it's just going to take me a semester or two longer than I thought : ) Hope you are all well! Thank you for all your continuing support. Emma xx.

On February 10, 2011 (well after the Brown semester had started), Emma confirms on twitter that she will be filming Perks of Being a Wallflower, which interfered with Brown (Brown school date ends May 20, Perks started filming May 9) and she had also already had various talks and was close to finalizing a deal with Lancôme. And she knew she would have to do some filming work for Lancôme commercials in the coming months. At this point clearly she was taking the semester off and yet she didn't announce it until March 7, 2011. Why'd she wait an entire month??? Why be so secretive of it? Just like how a week before classes started she was claiming she was getting ready to go back to school. And then why wait another month before she and Harry Potter publicist Vanessa Davies, release more details of this leave of absence? April 23, 2011 Press Release to Associated Press: LONDON (AP) — A spokeswoman for Harry Potter star Emma Watson says she will be transferring from Brown University to another university in the autumn. Vanessa Davies denied reports that the 21-year-old actress was "bullied out" of the Rhode Island university, saying there was no truth in reports by a number of online publications who cited classmates and "insiders". Davies said Saturday that Watson, who plays Hermione in the wizard movie series, has decided to pursue a different course not offered at Brown. She added that the star "has absolutely loved her time at Brown" and made many good friends there. Watson has recently taken time out of her studies to focus on her movie career. She has said that her first days in college were difficult. Davies did not identify the university Watson will be transferring to. Emma releases a statement April 30, 2011 on her website EmmaWatson.com (now defunct): I felt the need to let you all know the reason I took a semester off from Brown had nothing to do with bullying as the media have been suggesting recently. I have never been bullied in my life and certainly never at Brown. This "10 points to Gryffindor" incident never even happened. I feel the need to say this because accusing Brown students of something as serious as bullying and this causing me to leave seems beyond unfair. Please don't try and speculate about what I might do in September - no one can possibly know because I don't even know yet! Like my other fellow Brown students I am trying to figure out my third year and whether or not I will spend it abroad (this is common).

If you wondered why Emma let Vanessa Davies announce the transferring information, instead of Emma just announcing it on her website a week later, it's because Davies is head of publicity at Harry Potter, so they were working out how best to frame the narrative that Emma is still a hardworking student. Don't forget, ~200 million is spent on Harry Potter marketing for HP Deathly Hallows and Davies is part of that team and one of the heads. Warner Brothers had to protect their little cash cow until the movies were over and Emma couldn't damage their profits. Also, the Harry Potter spokesperson, Vanessa Davies, says Emma will be "transferring" but from Emma's own message (and it's later revealed), she was actually only just studying abroad, not transferring. Weird. April 2011 Associated Press Interview: I just knew I was going to be beating myself up because I wasn't going to be able to be doing the best that I knew that I could at school or in my job. If I'd been getting B's or C's I would've been really upset. Wonderland Magazine February 2014: You realize you can't do everything. I really did think I could do it all - commute back to the UK for Potter filming and press, then go to Brown for finals, and keep up with my friends and family. You can't do it by the way. You do have to take breaks. It's how I became interested in meditation and yoga. I developed bedtime rituals. Elle Magazine UK November 2011: Of course Harry Potter got in the way, with its relentless round of reshoots and promotion, meaning that Emma had to temporarily halt her studies at the start of this year. "I was basically commuting across the Atlantic. Taking a semester out wasn't what I wanted to do, but I am still enrolled at Brown." Collider.com Interview with Steve Weintraub November 14, 2010: Well, I keep trying to but she keeps finding her way back into my life. I still have two movies left to promote, and they’re still cutting and editing Part 2 so I might have to do some more voice recording and other stuff for it, so it’s a very gradual goodbye. I’m being eased out of it gently........I mean we are special, it is Harry Potter. But we only had two days—I was being sarcastic (laughs). Sorry, I have to like fill that in because otherwise it will be written, “we are special!” (laughs). But yeah we only had two days to shoot it and we needed so much more time than that. So yeah, we have reshoots at Christmas. So it’s not over. It’s not over yet guys! Echee says: Okay, what? Notice how in Wonderland Emma claims she was busy filming for Harry Potter and her Elle Magazine interviewer claims the same. Harry Potter Deathly Hallows Part 1 and Part 2 filming ended in June 2010, and then for less than a week they had to reshoot the epilogue in December 2010 (they reshot around Christmas time, so Emma had already finished her Brown Semester). They re-shot the epilogue because the makeup/CGI made the actors look elderly instead of middle aged. Also, HP and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 premiere was July 15, 2011. Generally press begins one month in advance (though you might do some magazine interviews 3-4 months in advance). Emma was not seen at any events/doing press until beginning of July 2011. She was stuck in Pittsburgh doing Perks of Being a Wallflower filming (which took place from May 9 to June 29, 2011) Emma was also filming for and doing work on her Lancôme stuff in March/April. How can she claim she was too busy during the Spring 2011 school year (which was from January 26 - May 20) with Potter filming and promotion? She did none of that. The overlap she had with school and non-school stuff was Perks filming and Lancôme filming/promotion. It had NOTHING to do with taking time off for Potter. Plus she was negotiating those deals for Perks in January 2011 and for Lancôme in December-ish. There was ZERO reason for her to take time off from school, but she did, because she was desperate for fame/money, and she blamed it on Potter to hide the truth. PopSugar On-Set May/June 2011 Interview with

Shannon Vestal Robson: Shannon: Have you read the book, and do you feel pressure to live up to it? Emma: I read the script first and then I read the book. It was so funny because I read the script and I came back to Brown and I told my roommates that I've just read this amazing script, The Perks of Being a Wallflower, and my friends were like, "Oh, that's my favorite book. So jealous that you get to play Sam. If I was ever going to be in a movie, if I was ever going to play any character ever, it would be Sam. Notice how Emma mentions going back to Brown and asking her Brown roommates (Scout Willis, Madison Utendahl, etc.) about the book. So even during the Fall 2010 Semester, she was secretly thinking of filming Perks next year. And remember the interviews I posted above (from November 2010) where she claimed education and university came first? BS. She was already planning back in September 2010 (when she went back to Brown) about leaving next year. Also, remember this. Emma is claiming she was overworked with Brown and Potter stuff.....why in September 2010 was she looking at possible filming projects that would coincide with Spring 2011 Semester and Summer? If you claim you are overworked, why are you looking to add on more, extra, unnecessary work. She was also negotiating her Lancôme deal in December 2010 as well. Harry Potter Deathly Hallows Part 2 New York City Press Conference July 2011 (Listen at 17:30): "I'm going to Oxford, in the fall, to study English for a year. Just to explain, I haven't left Brown. I'm still enrolled at Brown, but I'm doing my third year abroad. Studying at home, abroad, for me. So I'll go back to the States to do my last year. I took a semester off but my A-Level credits actually count as an advance-place-me-out-a-semester so I'm no further behind, I'm still technically going into my third year. So, yeah, that's that." Something to remember is how Vanessa Davies (when the Harry Potter spokeswoman announced Emma was transferring from Brown in April)says "Watson, who plays Hermione in the wizard movie series, has decided to pursue a different course not offered at Brown". On Emma's EmmaWatson.com website in the FAQ section (undated), she says this: I was seriously torn as to whether to stay in the UK or go to the States as let's face it the UK has some of the best universities in the world. But, ultimately, I loved the course at Brown and really liked the idea of experiencing a different country and culture - and I must say I've never been happier, I absolutely love Brown. So strange how Emma + her Harry Potter spokesperson contradict each other. Emma claims she purposefully chose Brown (instead of staying in the UK for university) because she loved Brown's course, but then the spokesperson said the reason Emma is transferring is because Emma was sad that Brown didn't have the course she wanted to take. Emma reveals in the press conference that she will be studying English a Oxford. The thing is, Emma was and did graduate as an English Literature major. So Brown did have the course she wanted to take (which is what she earlier said). Okay so Watson claims here that despite taking an entire semester (3-5 classes) off, she's no further behind than the rest of her classmates. Damn, this girl must be such a hard worker to not fall behind. Still, is she telling the truth, lying as usual, or begging/threatening Brown University to give her special, unequal treatment? Fact checking Watson's "advance-place-me-out-a-semester" claim Brown University Office of the Registrar - The College, Advanced Standing Guidelines

Anyway, there's a lot of information and I only parsed out a bit of it, but here's a quick summary. Basically, to graduate from Brown University, you need to take a minimum of 30 classes during your college years (can be at Brown or other approved colleges) and also a minimum of 8 semesters. Just to mention, A-Levels are the UK equivalent of American Advanced Placement (A.P.) courses or International Baccalaureate (IB) courses. Also, when Brown says "credits" they mean courses/classes. So, yes, Emma told the truth in that her semester standing is no further behind because her A-Levels counted as an extra semester. However! Emma is still behind in total number of classes taken because A-Levels do not count towards your degree requirement of 30 classes/courses. So she needs to take more classes per semester than the average person since she's behind.

Vanity Fair May 2010 Interview: After shopping classes, she settled on European women's history, Ovid's Metamorphoses, and acting. “I think actually I'm the worst person in the class,” says Watson cheerily. So in Emma's first semester (that's the time period they're talking about), Emma took 3 classes - women's history (lol at this feminist class), Ovid, and acting. Brown requires students to take 3-5 classes a semester and so Emma took the bare minimum....kind of super lazy for someone so excited to get to college and start learning and whatever else she's been spouting for years. Okay, Brown's most basic, elementary requirement that ALL students have to fulfill to graduate is to take 30 classes. Since Emma only took 3 classes her first semester, that means 30 - 3 = 27 classes left to take over 7 semesters. Since Emma took a semester off but claims advanced standing, meaning she wants to graduate in May 2013 (September 2009 - May 2013), that means...... 27 classes over 6 total semesters. 27 / 6 = 4.5 classes per semester This I will go into detail in below, later, but just a heads up, Emma also took the Fall 2012 Semester off in order to film Noah. Because Emma had enough A-Levels, she did indeed get 2 semesters of advanced standing, but to graduate in 6 semesters means...... 30 minimum classes to graduate / 6 semesters = 5 classes a semester every semester Brown only allows you to take a max of 5 classes a semester and since Emma only took 3 classes her very first semester at Brown, it means it's impossible for Emma to graduate by May 2013 without special, unequal treatment....special treatment being either lowering the required 30 classes or allowing her to take 6 classes a semester, but come on, Emma is super lazy and unprofessional. Can you honestly see this girl doing 6 classes a semester when she lazily only took 3 classes her first semester? Freshman year is the easiest you know.... And their 30 classes requirement is their most basic requirement - to let her worm her way out of it would be absolutely disgusting.

[writing-wolf]

Swan Song [C.D.]

Summary: You can’t escape love.

Words: 2,225. What a beautiful number. Also written as 1,000 x (89/40), for my fellow maths kids.

Warning(s): None. Gender-neutral protagonist (heads-up, not a warning).

Like every other year, the bustling Hogwarts Express is full of life and running children. You don’t look forward to patrolling for the second time since you’ve been appointed Ravenclaw Prefect, but at least you still have the Prefects’ compartment all to yourself. For now. 

The first person to join you, to your dismay, is your senior Prefect, Marcus Turner (you don’t hate him, you just prefer the company of a good book over that of a subtly pompous seventh year). Luckily, he respects as much of your personal space as one can in a cramped compartment, and sits close to the sliding door. What he doesn’t do, however, is stay silent. More than I had hoped for, I suppose. 

“How were your summer holidays, Clarke?” he asks. 

“Fine. Yours?”

“Magnificent. Vivianne came over, you know, she’s from Beauxbatons, so I couldn’t see her during school. We ended up camping in a tent in Wales. Those new tents they’re selling, they’ve got built-in Extension Charms. Very modern,” Marcus beams.

“Right, extraordinary,” you mutter, not looking up from your parchment. Marcus shuffles around in his seat, not sure what else to talk about. You do feel a bit guilty, but you just don’t know what to say.

“The others might already be patrolling, we should also head out,” he says after a couple of minutes. You nod, rolling up the piece of parchment and cleaning your quill with a quick Household Charm.

You step out of the compartment just as Cedric does. You meet his eyes and quickly look away, the blood rushing to your face. You haven’t spoken to him ever since last year’s accidental (but not so accidental) snog on the Astronomy Tower. 

Footsteps echo as someone walks up the stairs to the Astronomy Tower. You’d be alert, but you’re too tired and just a tad too stoned to care. Still, you’re filled with dread at the possibility of a teacher seeing you like this. 

Cedric appears in the doorway, surprised at the presence of another student, let alone another prefect, at his little escape spot. You glance at him for a while, staring at his young, handsome face. Neither one of you speaks. Cedric doesn’t know whether to dash or to take a seat beside you on the floor. 

“Are you going to keep standing there like a deer in headlights, Ced?” you chuckle, blowing another puff of smoke into the cold air. Cedric smiles, clumsily rushing to sit next to you. He’s too close for comfort, too comfortable to you. 

“What would your juniors think if they saw their prefect smoking a blunt?”

“Beats me. And technically, I’m still on duty.” you half-heartedly grin with tired eyes.

He grins back. “What? Patrolling the Astronomy Tower?” 

“Guarding everyone from the big, bad stars,” you mumble absentmindedly, taking another drag, “Wan’ a hit?” 

He declines, jokes about being a good example for others.

“Aye, it’s clear that I’m not one, then.”

“That’s not what I meant,” Cedric sighs.

“I get it though. No one wants a prim, perfect prefect that smokes on the Astronomy Tower at night because they can’t sleep. It’s harmless, by the way. Or at least, it’s not tobacco.” You run a hand through your hair, sides shaved short in an act of subtle rebellion. Against who, you don’t know. Maybe against yourself.

“I know. You’re not...you’re a good person. A good prefect.”

“Calling the kettle black, are we? You know, you’re annoyingly perfect.”

“I’m not. I’m here, aren’t I? Breaking rules like a true gangster,” he laughs. You snort, shooting a quick glance at him. You fall into a comfortable silence, slowly inching closer to each other, until your legs are tangled together and your head rests in the crook of his neck. He’s just keeping you warm, you tell yourself. It’s cold, and you’ve stubbed the joint out onto the stones.

“I want to escape, you know?” You break the silence, your groggy voice making the words seem all the more real. You don’t know why you’re telling Cedric Diggory this, of all people. He’s not even your best friend. Maybe it’s the night that removes all restrictions. Maybe it’s the night that makes you want to kiss him. 

Cedric feels it, feels the way things are different now, will always be different. So he tilts your head towards him, swipes his thumb over your cheek, and whispers: “Then do.”

Your kiss isn’t needy or desperate; it’s lazy and familiar, like everything that’s happening just feels right. His lips are cold, yet still impeccably soft, and you shudder when they move against yours. 

You break the kiss, after what feels like too long to not catch feelings. “I...I should go,” you stammer. 

Cedric looks up at you, eyes filled with worry and perhaps shock as well. “I’ll see you around. Goodnight,” you whisper at the doorway to the stairs, and smile at him. Neither one of you was going to have a good night that night.

Trying to avoid someone isn’t all that easy when you’re stuck patrolling a train with them. Luckily, every House’s prefects stick together. You turn to the left to patrol that side of the train, but Cedric grabs your elbow before you can. He pulls you closer to him. You look at your feet to avoid having to look at his face. 

“Hey, how are you?”

“I’m fine. Look, I don’t-” you mutter, uncertain of what to say. Someone pulls Cedric away, another prefect with their arm around his shoulder.

“Can we talk about this? Later?” he asks. You nod, nearly invisibly, and he turns away. You bite your lip before following the other Ravenclaw prefects. 

You don’t see Cedric a lot for another three weeks, and if you do, you make sure not to make eye-contact with him. Because you’re not sure what he’ll say, nor are you sure what you want him to say. You’ve come to like him, ever since the kiss. Or at least, that’s when you realised how much you’d grown to like the Hufflepuff prefect. Maybe you’ve always liked him, ever since he shot you a smile during your first Potions class in Third Year. Maybe he’s liked you since that moment too.

“Clarke and Diggory.” Professor Snape’s voice rings in the Potions Dungeon. You’re only paying him half a mind. A young, brown haired boy walks towards your desk, his robes a little too short to accommodate the fast rate at which he’s growing (you only notice because you have a bad habit of staring at your feet).

“Hi partner. I’m Cedric Diggory,” he announces, quickly sticking out his hand for you to shake. 

“Introductions are for after class, Mr. Diggory, how ever important you feel like you are. Four points from Hufflepuff.” As Snape drawls on, Cedric grins sheepishly at you, and for a moment, you think your heart just skipped a beat. 

You become his ‘friend’ quickly after you two become partners.You don’t really know what a friend is. You know how to be kind, how to smile and how to converse with others, but you don’t know the criteria for being a friend. While Cedric doesn’t necessarily mind the attention he gets as he’s steadily growing taller and more handsome, you prefer quiet spots, practicing silly charms in the shade (you’ve kept yourself entertained by testing a charm that lifts quill ink and drawings right off the paper in one piece) and sleeping on the moving staircase (you always end up in your own bed the next morning, somehow...). As a result, the two of you don’t really hang out all that often. You don’t know his other friends, or what his favourite sandwich is. You don’t know whether he prefers Chocolate Frogs over Pumpkin Pasties, you don’t know what he orders when he goes to The Three Broomsticks, or what kind of jokes he tells in a crowd. 

You do, however, know which books he likes to read, which questions keep him up at night. You know that he’ll hum the tune to ‘This is The Night’ by The Weird Sisters when he’s distracted, and that he likes it when you ruffle his hair. You wonder what that makes you. 

There is always a time for confrontation. On the third Tuesday since you last spoke to Cedric in the train, he finds you to the Astronomy Tower. You’re absentmindedly staring at the sky, where the sun is slowly setting and painting the sky in warm hues as a dramatic way to say goodbye. Cedric huffs out a laugh when he sees you, sitting on the ground of the unoccupied Astronomy Tower with a ragged, old scarf.

“I thought I’d find you here,” he says. 

“Do you ever wonder why the sun looks so beautiful when it leaves? I read this muggle thing, by some philosopher. He says swans sing the most beautiful melodies when they’re about to die,” you ask him, scrunching your nose a little as you turn your head to face him. Cedric chuckles, before moving to sit next to you. Your shoulders are touching, and you wonder whether it’s your imagination, but you feel warm.

“Maybe it doesn’t want to be forgotten.”

You finally look at him. “Maybe,” you mutter, “Or maybe it rejoices in its escape from the world.”

The two of you sit in silence for a while, watching the sky darken. Cedric decides to break the silence first. “Look...I really wanted to talk to you about, about that kiss.”

“Why? Do you regret it?” you ask, your normally nonchalant voice growing anxious. 

“I...No. Do you? You’re avoiding me.”

“I don’t know whether it should happen again, Cedric. You and I...we’re different. People like you shouldn’t be together with people like me.” You pull on a loose thread of your scarf. 

Cedric’s voice gets a little louder, a little firmer when he asks the next question. “What’s so different about us?”

“Everything. You have friends, a social life. You should be with someone like that. Someone who can give you a clear answer, who can laugh at your jokes and hang out with your friends. There’s nothing you can get out of this, there’s nothing you could gain from somebody so imperfect.”

Cedric laughs humorlessly. “Why do you always put a gap between us? Don’t put me on a pedestal like this. You know, I hate it when you do this,” he mutters. 

“It’s the truth,” you state.

“Then I don’t think you know me. I’m not perfect. I don’t understand why you always say I am,” he huffs, frustration growing into hopelessness. 

“Because you are, to me, to others.”

“I’m just human. Don’t rob me of this, this trust. You know I can only unwind when I’m with you. I’ve told you how much I value you. Please don’t do that to me, don’t look at me as if I’m unreachable,” Cedric grabs your hand, squeezing it as if he’s desperate to hold on, “I don’t want to lose us,” he whimpers.

You bow your head in shame, tears welling up. “Why would you want me?”

“Why wouldn’t I?” he quips. You sniffle, chuckling through your tears.

You breathe out, blowing a misty cloud into the sunset. “I’m afraid you’ll get tired of me. That one day, when I think you love me like I love you, when I think I’m standing high and dry on the dunes, a wave will wash me away...Just because I wanted to be close to you,” you look at him, your eyes red and your sight blurry, “I hate feeling so insecure around you.”

“The feeling’s mutual. Don’t you think I hate seeing you look away when our eyes meet, like I’ve done something to make you afraid of me. I regret kissing you every day, not because I didn’t want to, but because it made you look at me like that...because I’d rather never kiss you than feel the loneliness of my shaking heart.” Cedric sniffles.

“I-” you hesitate.

“Didn’t think it’d be like that? Thought the feeling was one-sided?” you nod at his words, “What if...What if ignoring me wasn’t your only option, Clarke? What if you could feel more secure in my arms?”

“I don’t know, Cedric,” you mutter. You’re hesitant, stuck in your own inferiority complex, but if what he says is true (and Merlin, do you want it to be true), then you want to take a shot in the dark. Screw carefully calculating every move. You like him. You love him. And you’d never forgive yourself for letting this love go. “...But I want to try.”

Cedric smiles, bringing his lips closer to meet yours. Kissing him feels better than you remember, with his lips ever so soft and a little swollen from biting on them. He’s moved his hand from your chin to your cheek, and you’re holding the back of his neck, trying to pull him impossibly closer to you.

“Are you okay with me?” he asks when you pull back.

“You’re never getting rid of me,” you say, holding back a grin.

“Hey,” he whispers, “I forgot to say something.”

“Hmm?”

“I like you.”

“I like you too. More than you could ever imagine.” He kisses you once more, and you wonder whether any swan song could live up to this moment.

Hello fellas,

I’m back, and I’m apparently writing some stuff for HP now. The philosopher I mentioned was Plato (via Socrates in a dialogue), aaaand yeah. I’ve never written something this dialogue-heavy either, but I did enjoy having something a bit weird and abstract, as opposed to a story with a detailed setting.

Hope you enjoy it, requests are still open. 

Rémy

[joeys-piano]

Header created by @ao3commentoftheday, where creators may share sneak peeks their wip and readers can leave comments/motivation on unfinished works to let writers know that they can’t wait to see the final product~

In this segment of Work of Progress Wednesday, I’ll be sharing a preview and outline of the opening chapter to my current project, Survive Said The Prophet. Now keep in mind I wrote this chapter outline last night and that the outline will go through a few revisions before I deem it’s set and ready to start working on it. Originally, this opening chapter was from Dazai’s point-of-view when he was sent on a mission to quell discord in the West at the age of 18. However, I thought it would’ve been more interesting and more insightful if the chapter was told from Fyodor’s (22) point of view.

Not only does it setup the story and its conflicts in a rather unique way because it’s told from the perspective of the antagonist, this is one of those few moments where you get to read what’s going through Fyodor’s mind and understand why he does what he commits to. Additionally, this is one of the very few moments where he’s honest in his intentions and you have a clearer idea of what's going on behind-the-scenes in his mind.

If you do get a chance to read this, let me know what your thoughts are on this chapter outline/sneak preview~ It’s been a long time since I’ve written/outlined the first chapter for any story, so critiques are welcomed in regards to direction, conveyance, characters, and so forth.

Chapter Outline Disclaimers: The following content below the [read more] contains social commentary in regards to human rights and dignity, prejudice, and gun violence. Although the violence portrayed in this chapter outline is not vividly described, reader discretion is advised.

                                                       ~~~~~

Outline of Chapter One - No One Dares To Tell A Lie

The arc — and subsequently, the story �� begins with a philosophical argument that overlays the opening scene of a female politician rising from her seat behind a crowd of men and former colleagues before stepping forward to face her audience, both local and international for this is being broadcast across all major networks, to apologize and promise to right what the government had done wrong. The philosophical argument that shrouds the atmosphere and gives a gray tinge to the surroundings is thus: Freedom vs. Justice. It’s been forty-three years since the manifestation of supernatural abilities, it’s been forty-three years since many innocents and families have been torn from their communities and from their loved ones due to discriminatory provisions and bounty hunts that have taken more than what was believed to be good, and it has only been six years since the nations of the world have asked themselves if what they’ve been doing has been wrong.

The female politician elaborates on the politics surrounding ability-users and the ability-community, of the culture and the paradigm of a society torn apart where brothers have turned on each other, and the efforts of organizations such as the International Gifted Alliance and the World’s Gifted Organization that have fought for and have provided the freedoms and dignity that ability-users were robbed of at the moment when differences between neighbors turned to prejudice and hate speech against people that were once friends and colleagues but now, strangers because of their manifestation of an ability. As the female politician speaks, in the midst of this public conference and rally in the country of Uruk (one of many countries who’re going through an internal reform to ‘right what had been wrong’), the philosophical battle between Freedom vs. Justice is illustrated on the wings of a bird, flying overhead as a feather slips from its body and momentarily blocks Fyodor’s line of sight as he steadies his sniper rifle. Interesting enough, he’s sprawled across the roof of one of Uruk’s courthouses. Fyodor speaks into his earpiece and affirms that he’s clear. He has the female politician in his sight. Asking where he currently is and how the other half of the mission is going, one could hear a smile in Nikolai’s response as he mentions he fits in so well that not even the political guards can’t tell that one of their own is missing.

The plan is not for Fyodor to shoot and kill the female politician. No, Fyodor’s mission is to incite a distraction and ensue chaos over the fact that a live shooter is active on the premise. In the disarray, Nikolai (disguised as a guard) was to escort the female politician to safety before shooting her in a predestined location, behind society’s eyes, before vanishing from the scene with the use of his ability, The Overcoat. Both men had been rented out by their Bratva and were hired by an opposition group to take down the female politician and her message of change. Who was anyone kidding? Uruk was merely one out of dozens of countries, across Europe and the world, drowning in political discord at the very thought that ability-users were reclaiming their dignity and were being seen as more than the “monsters or mere tools” that they have been viewed as for over forty years. Wasn’t it ironic, knowing that the two men for this job were also ability-users? But for now, the best way to put it was that Fyodor and Nikolai were merely stray dogs, quite aware of how far their leash could extend for each and every time they pulled against their restraints. Simply, they were merely carrying out the job that was expected for people like them.

Ability-users were more like tools for an ideology or a means to a cause. Whatever power residing inside of them had one purpose in the minds of conventional, old-school train of thought: these abilities were merely weapons and thus, it was required to leash and remind an ability-user of what they were to prevent them from doing anymore harm. In the old-school train of thought, it seemed absurd to let “untamed weapons” run amok and coexist with those of normal society. Without rules and a stubborn leash, it only bred disarray and discord for ability-users could manipulate their powers and upset the balance or status quo that had been maintained by normal society for centuries now. To bear in mind, ability-users were a relatively recent phenomenon and the opposition believed that these individuals needed to be treated as lesser in order for society to balance itself. The world was never meant for ability-users or at least, that was what those of conventional thought held dear to their hearts. To maintain the status quo and to not be usurped by a growing population of individuals that they couldn't quite understand, the opposition to Uruk’s changing stance on ability-user sought for Fyodor and Nikolai. Both men were formidable in their work and their abilities possessed unique properties that made assassinating a politician as easy as could be. Because Crime and Punishment and The Overcoat hardly left any traces behind, and both abilities never failed to get the job done. However, in a moment of pause as guilt settled in, Nikolai’s morality caught up with him and he expressed his concerns if this was the right thing to do. This wasn’t the first time Nikolai expressed such thoughts. His morality often had a habit of resurfacing before a job needed to be done, and it was merely Fyodor’s job as his partner to dissuade those intrusive thoughts and realign Nikolai’s objective to the current one at stake. Fyodor asked if Nikolai had seriously considered what the politician had said in her speech. It was fundamentally impossible for people like them to coexist in a world that was never meant for them. In that response, Fyodor wasn’t parroting the opposition that had hired him and Nikolai. He was speaking from his own experience, speaking from a past event that made it very clear that a person like him could never live normally after he had been outed as a monster by his own ability. Behind his sniper rifle, Fyodor inadvertently tensed up when a voice from his past, a voice he could never escape from, taunted him at his ear. “Your crime is your ability, your death will be your punishment.” Nikolai turned Fyodor’s response on its side and replied if that was the case, then humans were never meant for this world and that the only reason why people remain on this earth today was because of a benevolent promise bestowed on a certain family. For as it was written, this family believed that there was good, even in the places and the people where one wouldn’t expect it from. Even when it seemed that the other of their society were criminals and debauched, this family believed that good people did exist in the burrows of sin and sorrow and wanted to protect those people.

Nikolai compared that biblical story to the present, to the efforts of global organizations and leaders and people that were doing something to protect and aid those who didn’t do anything wrong from unjust punishment. Despite what their client may believe, Nikolai’s morality and his conscience were in favor that ability-users weren’t the real monsters of this conflict. The real monsters were the people and groups that refused to view those different from them as anything more than just those differences and did everything in their power to suppress, harass, belittle, and harm just because they were afraid of what they couldn’t understand. Fyodor could feel his ability twitch inside as Nikolai’s choice of words, and he decides to give Nikolai something to think about to suppress that morality Nikolai had worn at his sleeve. And, at the same time, perhaps these words were for Fyodor as well to suppress that change of heart that nearly consumed him. Fyodor has gone too far to turn back on who he has become, and it was his fear of the unknown that keeps him grounded in a set of beliefs that made him exist as a walking contradiction. “It ought to be something that Lady Justice judges blind but occasionally, when her scales tip to another’s favor, she’ll peek from under her blindfold and make her swift judgment then.” Through Fyodor, Lady Justice will enact the true verdict to an issue that she could no longer ignore. As long as there were ability-users in this world and if people came to accept them for who they were, they were only opening a threshold for demons and Fyodor’s wings had yet to be clipped. Fundamentally, as long as they were ability-users in this world, they would only stir the greed, hate, and jealousy residing in humanity’s nature and unravel the nuances of the Devil and of sin. Because of ability-users, the work of the Devil had firmly integrated itself into society and that was why Fyodor was so against acceptance for people of his kind. He believed in the opposition and believed that things could’ve been taken one step further. If there was a way to rid the world of ability-users, only an act like that would truly restore the world and cleanse it from its sins. With his mind steadied and quelled, Fyodor waited for his opportunity to shoot. His client had specific orders, telling him to shoot at the moment he got the all-clear from them. The opposition had planned and prepared a joint-argument that they were to make in the midst of the chaos, inciting that change would only harm and kill more lives than it would save. Truly ironic, coming from a group that hired one man to stage himself as a live shooter while they hired another to kill the vocal piece of Uruk’s changing stance on ability-users. However, a job was a job. When Fyodor received a visual all-clear from the crowd below, Fyodor pulled the trigger. The bullet passed the female politician and pierced the podium, embedding splinters and wood into her skin as chaos tore the scene apart. Right on cue, Nikolai moved from where he was stationed and escorted the female politician to safety while the other guards escorted the rest of the political officials and colleagues. Fyodor prepared to move out and meet Nikolai again at their rendezvous point. Pulling out from the scene and slipping away into the network of alleys and cobbled streets behind the courthouse, Fyodor passed his weapon to one of the men from the opposition and promptly killed them with Crime and Punishment when they grasped him roughly and demanded for respect after Fyodor slammed the rifle case into their chest. After his ability had done its work and Fyodor inspected that not a drop of blood had gotten onto himself, he turned to look at the mutilated, pulp of a body left behind and bid his respect that the “dear gentleman” had covered things up for him. The rendezvous point that Fyodor was supposed to meet Nikolai at was near a local bakery, blocks away from the chaos down in central, and it was quiet and quaint enough where they could enjoy a bit of leisure before leaving this country and returning to St. Petersburg. Fyodor purchased a bagel that he knew Nikolai would enjoy and grew increasingly concerned when Nikolai didn’t return. Fyodor spoke through the earpiece and learned through Nikolai that their client, the entirety of the opposition group that had hired them, were all dead. Someone knew what they were doing and had taken them out. It was quite possible that whoever did it were on to them, and Nikolai warned Fyodor that he needed to leave.

Fyodor asked where Nikolai was and did he finish the job. Nikolai didn’t answer if he accomplished the job, but said they weren’t the only ones on a job today. Someone from another organization, someone from the East, had been contracted and Nikolai believed that today’s kill was done by the same person that had been taking down opposing riot groups who’ve attempted to silence the peace talks and changes for ability-users all over Europe. Nikolai concluded this when he was the aftermath of what happened to the men that had hired him and Fyodor and saw the distinct, kill-signature that had been left behind. Nikolai and Fyodor agreed to go their separate paths and to meet again at sunset in another location. Afterwards, Fyodor boarded a public bus to blend into the crowd and make up some ground. Cautious and wary, Fyodor pulled his hands from his pockets as he walked through the crowded bus to find a place to stand. Along the way, his hand lightly brushed against people and he could see into their moral judgment and the most recent crime or sin they had done. It was a preemptive way for him to learn about the people around him and to find out who the contractor from the East was if they had boarded the bus with him. Through his connections and the information gathered from his employment with the Bratva of Spades, the only information in regards to this contractor was that they weren’t an ability-user, they went by the name of Vino, and that their signature kill-style involved shattering one’s jaw after either emptying bullets into the body or stabbing the major and most vulnerable parts of the body. Obviously, this Vino character knew the human anatomy quite well and was proficient at the job. While on the bus, Fyodor didn’t notice anyone strange until he was about to leave. Someone reached out and clasped their fingers around his hand. An odd sensation overcame Fyodor, as if a part of him had died, and he turned around. There was a young man with shaggy hair holding his hand, with a black cap over his head and obscuring his eyes. He spoke with a lilt in his accent when he said that Fyodor had dropped something. It was the bagel bag. Fyodor accepted it, unable to shake off the feeling that his ability had been suppressed at this young man’s touch. Fyodor had heard about something similar to this before, back in Yokohama during the Dragon Head Rush Incident a few years ago. When he unearthed information about the research facility that exploded offshore and how the wild beast that rampaged through the city suddenly disappeared without a trace. There was a brief mention in the records he gathered that a Nullification drug in development on the offshore research facility, but whatever came of it was never known. Presumed that it was destroyed but now, Fyodor couldn't shake off the feeling that he had just encountered someone with that fabled property at their touch. The feeling remained with Fyodor, even after he and Nikolai finally reunited and Nikolai confessed that he didn’t kill the politician. Not after what he saw and found of their client. Even with the Bratva of Spades, one of the best organizations when it came to intel in the underground world, there was hardly any information about Vino. Nikolai speculated that Vino may’ve been hired by Strain, but Fyodor doubted it because it wasn’t in Strain’s best interest to take a hit on the people that made up their clientele base. Just as both men were about to leave and transport back to St. Petersburg through Nikolai’s ability, Fyodor was about to duck his head and enter Nikolai’s coat when his partner suddenly pushed him out of the way. A bullet casing from a sniper pierced through Nikolai’s eye when he took what would’ve been a fatal hit for Fyodor. Both mind and body were thrown into overdrive at the mere sign that Vino was within the vicinity. Without a gun of his own, Fyodor pried the one from Nikolai and defended him and his partner as he hurried them to safety. If Vino was going to take them out from the high-ground, Fyodor and Nikolai ducked behind a series of narrow and obscured streets until they found salvation in a place that was relatively hidden from the rest of the world. Once there, before doing anything to soothe the agony Nikolai was going through, Fyodor asked if Nikolai got a good look of who Vino was.

Between anguish and his muffled screams when Fyodor covered his mouth and tried to ground Nikolai back to reality, Nikolai blurted something along the lines that Vino wanted to go home. When he took the bullet for Fyodor and saw who Vino was, he was able to see what Vino desired most from the world, and all the assassin wanted was to go home. If Vino accomplished this mission, he could return and be with the person that he held dear in his heart. Slipping in and out of consciousness, Nikolai urged Fyodor to leave him behind. Vino would get them both if Fyodor stayed here. He had to go. Fyodor couldn’t leave Nikolai. Not only was Nikolai’s ability one of the only full-proof methods where they could disappear from this country without a trace, Fyodor had made a promise to his partner and damn it, leaving Nikolai to die wasn’t part of the solution-plan Fyodor had in mind. Before another word could be exchanged, Vino found and cornered the duo. How he found them? Fyodor’s mind had yet to process that when he heard the pin of a gun behind him and turned around. Stepping out from the shadows and into the sunlight was the familiar, black cap-wearing young man Fyodor had encountered on the bus earlier that day. From the low, crouching position that Fyodor was in, he could see that the most striking feature on the young man was the dead stare in his eyes. As if he had forsaken good and evil for behaviorism, to do as he was told in an attempt to reunite with someone that he could never return to. The only thing separating Vino from his desire was the fact that Nikolai and Fyodor were still breathing in front of him.

Tags → work in progress, wip, writing, wip wednesday, writing critique, survive said the prophet

[gjnnypotter]

Opinion on Harry Potter (the character)

Oh where to start?

I love my boy Harry with all of my heart and more. Honestly- I adore everything about him. I will compose a list of all the reasons as to why I love him just to make it clearer (and to try and sway any Harry-haters out there).

1. He’s the kindest, bravest and the most caring little cinnamon roll to ever walk the earth. “And why is that?” I hear you ask. Well I shall tell you why that is. Harry Potter always, always takes other people’s feelings into account, and never has he ever put himself before anyone else. Hell, he had only just met Ron Weasley and he immediately reassured him that not having much money wasn’t a bad thing, then he went on to stand up for him in front of Malfoy when he basically said that Ron was nothing more than the dirt he wiped off of his robes - and listen here ya’ll because that’s only in like one or two chapters of the very first book in the series. To continue - Harry’s first concern after hearing that a troll was in the castle was that Hermione Granger (a girl who, at the time, Harry wasn’t too fond of) had no idea of the danger that she could be facing and that she could be in trouble. He hyped up Neville when he felt self-conscious (“You’re worth twelve of Malfoy!”). He went down a trapdoor and faced Lord-bloody-Voldemort by himself when he was only 11 years old because he didn’t want the Philosophers Stone to fall into the wrong hands and he didn’t want anyone else to get hurt. When he was 12, he went down into the Chamber of fucking Secrets to save his best friends little sister knowing full well that a murderous Basilisk was roaming around. He went straight to Ginny to make sure she was ok even after he was stabbed by the fang and was dying - because he wanted to guarantee that she was alive and well as fast as he possibly could. When Harry was 13 and he believed that Sirius was a mass-murderer who was out to kill him - he tried his best to defend Ron and Hermione from Sirius. Then he fought off a swarm of dementors (fucking dementors, the thing he feared the most) to try and save Sirius and Hermione. At 14 he was entered into the Triwizard Tournament - a contest that people had died in - and he faced its challenges head on. Before the Second Task when he was originally planning on pulling out - he ran straight into that bloody lake without a clue if the gillyweed he was given would work because his only focus was on saving Ron. Then he went on to sacrifice the win in order to save Gabrielle Delacour too. In the graveyard when he was being tortured (tortured) by Voldemort, he still risked his life to bring Cedric’s body back to his parents. My precious boy even went on to give the 1000 galleon prize to Fred and George so that they could fund their joke merchandise. When Harry was 15 and was being ridiculed by the shitting Ministry of Magic and almost all of the Wizarding World, he helped to teach his classmates defence so that they would be prepared and maybe, just maybe, not have to go through what he went through. When he believed that his only father figure was being tortured he dropped everything to try and save him (I know how that ended, but his heart was in the right place guys).

And that’s just a few snippets from his first 5 years at Hogwarts everyone - I’m just getting started.

In his sixth year, he didn’t act on his feelings for Ginny in order to put Ron’s feelings before his own and because Ginny seemed happy with Dean and he didn’t want to ruin that for her. My babe went from everyone mistrusting him the year before, to everyone clamouring for his attention in the snap of the fingers and he took it all in his stride. Before leaving on the Horcrux hunt - he gave his friends what was left of his Liquid Luck potion because he wanted, no, needed them to be safe. Then after being made to make and watch his mentor suffer due to the potion in the cave, he witnessed Dumbledore due right in front of his eyes - yet his immediate response was to try and catch Snape because no one else could die because of him. And just after he allowed himself to be happy with Ginny - he broke up with her to try his damnned hardest to protect her because her safety always, always came before his happiness. After Mad-Eye died and the Order all got to the Burrow - Harry’s immediate reaction was that he had to leave so that no one else would become a target. And please bear in mind that he had just faced off with Voldemort again, and his scar was absolutely killing him. He left Bill and Fleur’s wedding as soon as the death eaters arrived so that no one would get hurt due to his interference, and not to mention he went disguised as a Weasley for extra assurance that no one would get hurt because of his presence. When infiltrating the Ministry of bloody Magic that was in the control of Lord bloody Voldemort, Harry still tried his hardest to free as many muggleborns as he could even though that wasn’t the mission. At 17, he was on the run and being hunted down by a genocidal maniac but he still took the mantle of leader even though he didn’t see himself as being worthy of that title. Then after his bestest friend in the whole world walked out on them, his first and foremost concern was Hermione and if she was ok. At Godrics Hollow he prioritised getting Hermione away from the danger unscathed first even though he was in just as much danger as she was. Taking watch was something Harry did more often than not so that Hermione could recuperate and rest, as he saw her needs as greater than his; and when Ron came back and saved Harry’s life and destroyed the locket, Harry didn’t get angry at all - he immediately reassured Ron and hugged him to make him feel better - because as long as Ron was ok, Harry would be fine. Knowing that Ron wasn’t in any state to come up with a plan when Hermione was being tortured- Harry put aside his own feelings of panic and fear so that he could formulate a plan to save them (them being everyone else - if he got out alive too then that was just an added bonus). He cast an unforgivable curse to try and prevent them from being exposed in Gringotts, and he was the first to jump on the back of a fucking dragon (Charlie Weasley is quaking in his boots to this day) in a desperate bid to get his closest friends out of there alive - and yes I’m aware that it’s Hermione who does this first in the movies, but the books are what most people see as canon and are better than the movies lets be real please? At Hogwarts - he casts the cruciatus curse on Amycus Carrow for spitting in Minerva McGonagall’s face, because nobody disrespects McGonagall in front of Harry and gets away with it. He made the decision to save Malfoy and Goyle in the burning Room of Requirement even though he could have died while doing so, because he couldn’t live with anymore deaths on his conscience. Instead of immediately falling to pieces over Fred’s death - he held it together and moved Fred’s body out of the way of harm. He hold the afford to break as he had a job to do. He stayed with Snape as he died even though the man made his school years hell, because nobody deserved to die alone. Then after finding out that he was a horcrux he tried so so bloody hard not to break - he had to finish the job. He put on a brave face for Neville to reassure him (and himself) that everything would be ok.

Harry Potter walked knowingly to his own death at the age of 17. He took a killing curse to save everyone he loved at the age of 17. He sacrificed himself to save the world at the age of 17. He was only fucking 17 when he knew that he had to die for everyone else to stand even a chance at living.

My precious sweetheart then defeated Lord Voldemort and only thought of those he loved while he did so. He didn’t do it for himself - he did it for everyone else.

So that concludes point 1 I guess.

2. He is one of the most humble people ever and I admire him for that. Not once did Harry ever let the fame get to his head. He despised the attention and contrary to popular belief - was never a self obsessed dickhead. Unlike everyone’s favourite DADA professor Gilderoy Lockhart - Harry tried his best to wiggle his way out of situations in which people tried to admire his scar or when people tried to broadcast his achievements. In Order of the Phoenix when the DA meet in the Hogs Head - he even tries to shoot down his own success by stating that he relied heavily on others and that it was all just a matter of luck. We all love a modest boy, let’s be real.

3. Even though he grew up in an abusive household, he still managed to retain great morals. Staying true to himself and sticking to his moral compass is something Harry does throughout the series that makes me admire him. He knows what is right and what is wrong even though it was never really taught to him as he grew up. His impulsive nature and slight temper are a few fallouts from his upbringing, but the fact that he managed to battle through and endure what the Dursley’s threw at him makes him the bravest and most amazing character in my eyes.

4. His generosity levels are off the charts. He’s not a greedy person and as he said in Goblet if Fire, “He would willingly have split all the money in his Gringotts vault with the Weasleys, but he knew they would never take it.” And as I’ve said previously - Harry literally gave Fred and George 1000 galleons to help along their joke merchandise manufacturing - so if you think about it, Weasleys Wizard Wheezes might have never got off the ground without Harry. He grew up with nothing - he knows what it’s like to wear clothes that are too big or to go to bed with an empty stomach - so he tries his damn best throughout the series to try and ensure that nobody else would have to experience what he experienced. Even the little acts of generosity can go a long way. Harry knew how much Ron detested his dress robes, he knew that Ron felt embarrassed having to wear them - so he asked Fred and George to buy Ron some new dress robes with the money he gave them. It’s often the little things that go a long way as well as the big acts of generosity.

5. He holds his friends (and later his family) in great esteem and shows them so much respect. Harry literally sees his friends as his family and that’s something I can personally relate to - but what I love about him is that he shows all of his friends so much bloody respect. Obviously fights do happen and disagreements do occur- those are pretty much inevitable. But Harry would be lost without his friends and he knows that, so he goes to extreme lengths to keep them safe and keep them close to him. I’m quoting the website Mugglenet for this next bit, but this stuck with me when I first read it, “Harry’s happy ending is not to conquer evil, or gain power; his happy ending is to finally have a family.” This. This is Harry’s wish from the beginning of the series - so when he finally gets that wish with Ginny and his kids - he respects and loves the hell out of them. Hermione and Ron would always be his family - but Ginny, James, Albus and Lily were what he had wished for his whole life. (Just saying before anyone blows up at me to try and condradict everything I just said - I don’t consider Cursed Child as canon. It’s pure BS I won’t lie).

Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk :)

[leoninapelliolovesconchitawurst]

ENGLISH TRANSLATION ( Jeannette Nobbe)

VOLSKRANT.NL 31/01/20

by Mennon Pot

https://www.volkskrant.nl/cultuur-media/conchita-wurst-sorry-dat-ik-zo-n-wandelend-cliche-ben~b0477817/

(Conchita) Wurst: 'I'm sorry I'm a walking cliché'.

Above all we know Conchita Wurst as the bearded 'female 'singer who won the ESC in 2014. But we've moved on and are a bit wiser. It´s just Wurst now, but the beard is still there.

With light feathered steps, Thomas Neuwirth (31) enters the conference room of the hotel in Groningen where he is staying: black combat boots, black leather pants, tight black T-shirt, the black beard and the perfect short trimmed jet black hair..

He introduces himself as Tom. It's not difficult to recognise the bearded drag queen Conchita in him. (Kopenhagen, 2014, remember?) but the dress and wig are stowed away for a while. Conchita has a sort of sabbatical, so to speak.

Neuwirth is on tour as a man. Stage name: Wurst. Yesterday evening he performed in Groningen; the next concert will be 7 february at the Melkweg in Amsterdam. His new album 'Truth over Magnitude' also carries the artist´s name Wurst.

Let's get this straight: when the subject is Conchita Wurst, the word 'transgender' sometimes comes a long. Wrongly. Neuwirth is a man, ('but incredibly gay, of course'), who has a choice from now on: being on tour as a drag queen (Conchita) or as a man (Wurst) .

´a lot of fun, being a masculine stage persona', he says. Conchita will turn up again somewhere else.

Holland appreciated Conchita's 'Rise like a Phoenix' with the highest score, almost 6 years ago.

Neuwirth didn't forget: twelve points, douze points from Holland for the bearded diva from Austria.

Then hectic years followed. 'After the Song Contest I thought, I have to make the most of it now, build my fame and cash it in. So I surrounded myself with all kinds of experts, managers, stylists, make/up artists, the whole circus. After 3 years I was exhausted. I couldn´t do it anymore. I told my audience every nigh, be yourself, believe in yourself. But along the way, I forgot myself.´

He got rid of the experts’ circus and is having a relaxed tour now, with a small entourage. He feels good again, although in 2018 he had to announce he is infected with the HIV virus. His manager politely asks, almost in an humble manner, not to talk about that.

Tom doesn´t appear to be very worried about that. There has seldom been a star who starts an interview so cheerfully. ´A great photo shoot and after that talk about things I find beautiful and fun.

Terrific, I was already looking forward to it when I came out of bed.´

´Curriculum Vitae'

1988 – Born as Thomas Neuwirth in Gmunden, Austria

2007 – Candidate at the talentshow Starmania, and boyband Jetzt anders!

2011 – Debut as female persona Conchita Wurst, the debut single `I´ll be there´

2012 - Second place at the Austrian Songfestival

2014 – ESC winner with ´Rise like a Phoenix

2015 – First album ´Conchita´, co-presenter ESC

2018 – Second album ´From Vienna with Love´

2019 – Debut as male stage persona ´Wurst´, third album ´Truth over Magnitude´

2020 – Wurst ´Trust over Magnitude´ Sony Music

Wurst will be performing in the Melkweg in Amsterdam on February 7

SOUNDTRACK

Music from the Motion Picture Titanic ...1997

´My first CD. I was 9 years old when I bought it. `My heart will go on´’changed my life´. As it were, Céline Dion gave me permission to be utterly dramatic and to be over the top. When I came out of the closet, I heard that song in my head.

It was also a liberation for me as a singer. My mom always sang with a thin, high falsetto voice. I thought that was how it should be. Dion taught me, you may yell as hard as you can, with all the power you have in you. When you sing so loud, you can’t fake it. The sound you push out of your body, is the sound of your body, unique and by definition authentic. Céline Dion taught me that singing is something really physical.´

SERIES

The Crown ..Netflix..., 2016 until 2019

´For me it´s getting difficult to watch a movie to the end. I guess that´s because of all the series on Netflix and HBO. My favorite is `The Crown´.. ´the intro alone is so beautiful, that liquid gold that forms a crown, such art. I used to watch it twice. Ít says something about the fact that I can´t choose between the two women who play Elizabeth and the two men who play prince Philip. All the actors are great. The costumes, the stories, the palaces, it´s so delightful. The history also intrigues me, after every episode I checked on Wikipedia if it was really what had happened.

PARTIES

´At Christmas I always come back to Vienna. I love the lights, glitters and decorations, my inner Mariah Carey is looking forward to it every year. Christmas 2019 was extra special because it had been a long time since the whole family came together at my grandmother´s house.´

I would love it to be like that every year... A couple of days being together in one home. Talking, getting to really know my family. Maybe now you think, days on and on with uncles and aunts, such horror! It is easy to say that I don´t really have much in common with these people. But I do, Really. They all have a story and similarities with your stories. Ask them about your life and tell them about yours.´

That´s what Christmas is all about to me. To me, the birth of Jesus has not that much to do with it.´

ISLAND..

I have an agreement with my best friends to go on vacation at least once every two years. We have been to Mykonos a couple of times, THE especially gay island. I´m sorry I sound like a walking cliché.´

The sun, the sea, the beaches, the small streets, so cosy. We rent a house with a pool and for a week or two we live in our own little paradise, actually being a bit tipsy the whole time. Go shopping and cook.´

`What´s also very important, on Mykomos, the wind is always blowing the right way. I love to watch the women, because their dresses and their hair flutter so beautifully.´

STYLE ICON

Victoria Beckham

I was and still am a big Spice Girls fan and I especially admire Victoria Beckham, because she lives her life the way she wants. She appears in tabloids every day, but has survived a crisis in her relationship and has stayed happy with the love of her life and her family. I think that it´s really strong.´

In regard to her style, she can go from very classy to very trashy, I like that. One day she´s wearing a designer dress, the next she and David Beckham are walking in identical jogging suits. She couldn’t care less. I think that it´s inspiring.´

´I think she is utterly authentic, raging through the glamour. Although I have never met her, I´m sure that I could have a lot of fun with her. I´d love to drink some tequila with her for an afternoon or so.´

AGE

30

´I thought becoming 30 was really special, I lost my wild behaviour, came to be more restful. Some way or another I think a lot about some things my mother said: in my twenties, I ignored those lessons, but now I´m 30, I suddenly realised she was right for example how important family and friends are.

I´m 31 now, I have inner peace and my life in order, but I still feel young. I´m convinced that this the best period of my life´. My advise to everybody... be 30.´

ALBUM

Recomposed by Max Richter / The Four Seasons ..2012

I don´t play any instruments and until not too long ago, I didn´t really know much about music. I really found that a pity sometimes. Fortunately, my good friend Martin studies at the School of Musical Arts... !! He´s studying the history of music intensely and tells me about a lot of great composers. I learn a lot from that.´´I never understood classical music and didn´t really know anything about it, but thanks to the listening sessions with Martin I fell in love with Vivaldi..

The pop artist of the classical artists.

´Max Richter interpreted Vivaldi´s Four Seasons and composed it in a modern fashion. It´s a modern, post minimalistic piece, completely different from the original one, but you still recognise it. Greatly done, at the moment it´s my favorite album.´

BOOK

Friedrich Schiller « Ueber die aesthetische Erziehung des Menschen ». About the aesthetic upbringing of the people..´

´A good friend advised me to read the philosophical letters from Friedrich Schiller ..Letters, 1794-1795)

That´s a hard job to do. Because of the old fashioned German I had to read some sentences 5 times. You always have to wrestle yourself through a thick layer of 18th century sexism.

´But further on you´ll find something beautiful. Schiller writes a lot about finding your inner beauty and your own truth. Dare to be yourself. Embrace your darker sides. Those are important as well.´

´At the same time he preaches self-perspective.. don´t take yourself too seriously, you´re not the center of the universe. That is very worthy to me. Namely because I DO think I´m the center of the universe, haha.

`Still it´s very wise of him, to send a message from 1795 to a 21st century queen with a Mariah Carey complex.´

CLUB

Circus in Vienna

´The Arena is a huge complex in Vienna, a concert building with a mega discotheque. A couple of times a year they organize Circus, my favorite gay club night. I always go there with my group of closest friends, but it´s actually a bit of a rule that we lose each other and disappear into the crowd.´

´I roam around all night- Every room, every floor has its own musical theme and decoration. I love the types of people I meet there, their clothes, their fetishisms, everything.´

….Arena Vienna, Baumgasse 80, Vienna

CITY

Amsterdam

´I live in Vienna, I love Vienna and I will always come back there, but the greatest city I´ve been to is Amsterdam – since then I traveled all over the world so I know what I´m talking about.

´Of all the cities I visited, Amsterdam is the only one where I would want to live a period of time. So that´s what I´m gonna do, this summer, for a few months to begin with.´

´I can see that Amsterdam also has the flagship stores from all known store chains. And a lot of tourists, like every special city. But I see all these small jewelry shops where they sell their self-made jewelry. Little bakeries. Cosy streets. And a lot of water. I love water. I love cities with lots of water.´

[raisingsupergirl]

You Don't Know What You Don't Know

In today's information age, everyone's an expert. Broken dishwasher? Just YouTube it. Wondering who that actor is? IMDB it. Want a DIY chicken coop? Google it. Trying to find an unending stream of #fakenews and fear mongering? Log into Facebook. The problem is, well… we don't always know what the actual problem is. We see the symptoms. We know what we want—the end result—but we're not always sure how to get there. And a quick Google search is all we have the patience for before we jump to conclusions and then blame someone or something else for our failure. Take my recent plunge into fishkeeping, for example.

I've always been an animal lover. I think it's innate in all of us, but not everyone has the right disposition or upbringing to appreciate animal/plant husbandry. As for me, I grew up in the Missouri wilderness surrounded by ponds, cliffs, streams, fields, and forests. Sure, I spent my fair share of time on the Super Nintendo System, but being in the great outdoors was engrained in me from a young age. And more than that, I learned to appreciate the other things out there. I kept just about every animal you could imagine at one time or another (dogs, cats, birds, fish, lizards, frogs, newts, rodents of all varieties, snakes, chickens, geese, goats, a squirrel, a ferret, a raccoon, and even a short-tailed opossum, off the top of my head), and though I was pretty irresponsible with most of them (ignoring for a second that I should have just left them where I found them in nature), I loved nurturing them, and I kept most of them alive. So when my city-girl daughter said she wanted a fish for her fourth birthday, a little piece of my past reignited, and I… may have gone a little overboard.

First, my mom still had the 35-gallon aquarium she bought me for my birthday a couple of decades ago. Back then I just winged it. I didn't have Google. I didn't come from a long line of aquarists. I just filled the thing up with well water, a cheap bag of gravel, a log I found floating in my pond, and the cheapest fish I could find at my local Walmart (yes, Walmart sold fish back then). Of course the tank was full of algae and dead fish in no time, but I kept at it, and eventually I had a few fish that didn't eat each other, but ultimately it wasn't what I knew it could be, so I set the fish "free" in my pond and put a snake in the tank instead.

I used the tank again in college with similar results, only this time I had a filter, did occasional water changes, and had just a few friendly fish, so it was much more successful, though still very "low tech," as they say in the hobby. Since then, I've matured (please hold all sarcasm until the end), and I've learned the value of researching something before attempting it. The change started in physical therapy school when I spent countless hours dissecting and writing scientific papers. It was the literal worst, but it taught me so much about the world. Rather, it taught me how to learn about any particular aspect of the world. You see, in these classes, we weren't allowed to just read the abstract and regurgitate the experimenters' assumptions. We had to read every line, go back and read every line of the sources they cited, and then, once we understood every word, we could start forming our own opinions on the subject. And believe it or not, I rarely found a paper that wasn't skewed toward the writer's desired result in some small way.

So now we get to the heart of things—you don't know what you don't know until you know it. And you won't know it unless you put in the time. We're living in an age of instant gratification. Because there's so much information out there, we only have time to skim. Otherwise we wouldn't have any time to actually live. I recently ran across an inspiration quote by science fiction author Robert Heinlein's character, Lazarus Long:

"A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects."

Sure. Easy for Lazarus to say. As his name suggests, he was over 200 years old and counting at the time of his above quotation (and that's to say nothing of Heinlein's, uh, colorful political and philosophical views). But even still, his words are a nice sentiment, and they resonate with our current zeitgeist. We all want to be experts at everything, but we just don't have the time to do it. So we become Jacks-of-all-trades, and masters of none. And thus, with the dehumanizing help of social media, we get into a lot of stupid fights.

But I digress. Back to my aquarium example. Giving in to my excitement and desire for my daughter to experience thy "joys" of fishkeeping, I reverted to the impulsiveness of my youth. And of the twelve fish I bought those first few months, I killed half of them. Why? Because I didn't take the time to learn about taking a new tank through the nitrogen cycle. I knew nothing of ammonium, nitrite, or nitrate. I didn't know how to promote bacterial colonies in the filter media. And when I decided to add a few live plants to the mix, I didn't know the difference between submersed and submerged, or that PetCo didn't care about selling you "aquatic" plants that would die 100% of the time if completely under water. And that's saying nothing about water pH, alkalinity, fertilizers (NPK, micronutrients, root tabs versus liquid fertilizers, etc), carbon (CO2) availability, substrate differences, etc., etc. I just thought, "these are pretty" with dozens of plants and fish from completely different, delicately balanced ecosystems around the world, and then expected them to flourish when crammed together in the petri dish that was my, er, my daughter's aquarium.

I'll be the first to say that I suck at chemistry. It was the only "C" I received in college. Too many dry facts and things I couldn't visualize. Too much like math. But over the past few months, I've forced myself to dig into the periodic table and the chemical processes of dozens of elements and compounds in order to BEGIN understanding the aquatic world. I'm still so far away from having a solid grasp on the process, but at least I now know what I don't know. And that's a start. And it's a valuable reminder of the ignorance of mankind.

As a physical therapist, it often baffles me when my highly intelligent friends and family don't understand their own bodies. These people are experts in their fields. They're fluent in areas that I'll never even begin to understand. And yet, they can't figure out the simplest causes of their own various aches and pains. And thus, they become easy prey for fad diets, snake oils, and cure-alls. In health and fitness, especially, our connected, opinion-fueled society is playing the willing victim. Like politics and philosophy, we all know there are problems, and we see "experts" offering their solutions constantly, and social media algorithms are feeding into this problem by inundating our news feeds with like-minded (no matter how wrong) individuals. We think, "Hey, everything I see reinforces my ideas, so the must be right!" But really, we're still living in the same high-walled isolation we've always lived in. We just have weapons that can shoot farther now.

So remember, if you haven't spent hundreds of hours researching and forming your opinion, you're probably not right. Maybe you have an idea. It may even be a good idea. But life is complex. It spans millennia of philosophers, scientists, and soldiers. Even if WebMD says you have terminal cancer, you should still probably see an actual MD before you throw in the towel. Because, contrary to Lazarus Long's inspiring sentiment, humanity can still find value in specialization. Life is rich and deep, so take the time to dig.

[leswansong]

Chapter Nine - Adrinette April - Notes for you

Day 9 - Birthday Gifts

Read it on A03? –> [ Click Here ]

His birthday, one of his five favourite days of the year, it wasn’t because of the gifts although it had been when he was younger but in recent years, to help him cope with his mother’s sudden disappearance Natalie had stopped scheduling his extra classes and any modelling gigs, it was in some way her birthday gift to him, his father… Apart from the time he tried to pass off one of Marinette’s gifts as his own, his gift never changed from the silly over expensive pen he usually got. Nino tried to keep up with Adrien’s interests but the amount of money Adrien had usually meant he already had it by the time his birthday rolled around but it didn’t stop Nino from trying in the end. Alya, she usually helped Nino with his gift but occasionally she picked something out that she thought he would like. His other classmates usually got him a card but by far Marinette’s hand-made gifts were his favourite, he could see the amount of time and care that went into each and every one of them, he wore all of them with pride, (whenever he got the chance of course,) he had started hiding them in his wardrobe so they wouldn’t accidentally get thrown out.

Natalie entered the dining room his schedule in her hands, he put down his spoon a took it from her hands, she quickly left the room leaving him with the schedule, he turned the screen on expecting to see an extremely uneventful day ahead of him but… he let out a sigh in disappointment at seeing his overloaded schedule, 8 am class, 10 am photo shoot, 11 am class, 1 pm finish the rest of the photo shoot, 2 pm class, 3:15 pm fencing, 4 pm Chinese. He was lucky that his father had decided not to break up his class time with his friends. Adrien dug his spoon into the bowel of cereal quickly eating it so he could get to class earlier to see all of his friends while he was still in a somewhat happy mood.

“Cheer up kid, some days have to be horrible so that the good ones stand out.”

“Since when did you become a philosopher Plagg?”

“Since you needed me too, now eat so you can see that Bakery girl faster.”

He continued eating trying to ignore the sudden warmth in his cheeks as his Kwami chuckled to himself through mouthfuls of cheese.

————

“Happy Birthday Adrien!” his best friend yelled from the top of the stairs.

He smiled at him and rushed up the stairs towards him, “Thanks, Nino.”

“So what do you want me to do about one Mayor Bourgeois’s daughter while you head up and see your blue-eyed crush.”

A light blush sprinkled across his cheeks, “I don’t think we will have to try very hard, she has been avoiding me for the last week and a half…”

“What’d you do?”

“I’ll tell you later, but please If Chloe-“

“I know, now head in, Alya may or may not have topped my gift this year.”

“I still can’t believe you told her.”

“The woman is scary at times and she had me cornered.”

“Doesn’t mean-“ he lowered his voice, “doesn’t mean tell her about my crush on her best friend.”

“Sorry man, I’ll make it up to you someday but hey,” he said shrugging his shoulders.

Adrien waved goodbye before heading up the steps only to be stopped by his friend again, “Wait,” he paused and looked back at him, “Happy Birthday,” he said again pushing a small wrapped gift into his hand, a small card sat atop it, “From Alya and me, she would kill me if I didn’t say it was.”

“What is it?” he queried.

“You’ll have to open it to find out.”

Adrien let out a groan, “Fine…” he responded dragging out the ‘e’.

He turned and headed back up the steps, other students greeted him in the halls each with their own birthday wishes, he ignored all the fangirls trying to hand him flowers as headed towards the class. The sound of girls laughing reached his ears as he climbed the steep steps, Marinette’s laugh stood out from the group, he hadn’t even seen her and yet his heart felt like it was about to burst from his chest, he couldn’t stop speculating what she had designed this year, would it be another scarf, a shirt or a hat, it was at one point important enough for her to run headfirst into an Akuma. He struggled to contain his excitement the closer he got to the green door, he tried his best to walk into class as nonchalantly as possible.

“Adrien!”

His heart felt like it had just burst at the sight of her, her hair had been done up in an elaborate bun, he could see a braid carefully wrapped around it keeping it in place, her usual clothes had been replaced by a grey long-sleeved knitted shirt and a bright red mini skirt with black tights to hide her legs, she was beautiful, she was always beautiful in his eyes but… today she was even more so.

“Marinette,” he tried his best not to sound speechless.

“Happy Birthday Adrien,” she replied handing him the wrapped present in her hands.

He looked down at the neat wrapping paper, she had taken even more time with the pastel pink wrapping paper making sure it was perfect. He could feel the box beneath the paper but the object within wasn’t heavy.

“Aren’t you going to open it?” Alya asked.

The question seemed to be enough to shake him from his dazed stupor, his fingers travelled down the side of the box trying to find an opening.

“Just rip it, Adrien,” Alix yelled from the back, he ignored her and slowly removed the wrapping from the box, he opened it and peeked inside, a read jacket sat neatly folded inside, he carefully pulled it from its cardboard confines to inspect it.

“I overheard you say a few weeks ago, just before Christmas I think that you wanted something to support our heroes of Paris and… I thought-“

“Marinette… It’s perfect, I… I… I love it, thank you,” Her nervous smile disappeared at his words.

He pulled her towards him for a tight embrace being careful not to crush her plastered arm, her right arm slowly snaked it’s way around him, the smell of her strawberry and raspberry shampoo hit his nose, he caught sight of Alya over Marinette’s shoulder, her phone was in her hands and she was most likely snapping as many pictures as she could, he would have to ask her to send it to him later. Adrien felt Marinette push slightly against his chest, he did as he was told and let go of her, silently morning the loss.

“I’m glad you like it, Adrien.”

The loud ringing of the school bell rang loudly into the classroom, shutting down any chance for him to reply, his classmates all shuffled to their seats. He took a closer look at the jacket, it was in the style of a varsity jacket, the chest and accents were black, the back had been embroiled with the two hero’s logo’s, one was overlapping the other, the right sleeve was red and the left was green corresponding to the side in which the logo’s sat on the back. He was truly proud of all the effort she had put into it in such little time, she had really outdone herself, he quickly peeled off his over shirt and slipped the jacket one just as Ms Mendev’s voice boomed over the class, he couldn’t stop himself from smiling.

AN: do I have to do the next prompt? yes yes, I do, I can pun whenever I want but when trying to write can I? Nope…

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[ohitsjustfee]

Lovely

I have never liked the phrase “I love you more and more each day.” It’s so unrealistic and selfish of me to be bothered by this phrase, but I am. I can’t help it. I have to be honest with myself. I feel like this phrase implies that love is fluid, and that love can be added and subtracted. One could argue that it’s a cold fact that love can wane, but I hate it. I hate that fact with a burning passion.

I want love to be an indestructible part of us all. 

“I love you fully.” When I love, it feels at full capacity. The person becomes the center of my world. I have my own interests and identity, don’t get me wrong, but I have no shame in holding someone above myself. I don’t feel like I’m betraying my gender by cleaning up after someone. To me, it is all a part of making love. I make love to a man when I hold the screen door open so he can more easily unlock it and let us in. I make love to a man when I fix his cup of coffee in the morning. I make love to a man when I order him pizza, and scratch his back because I suck at massages.

When it comes to romanticism my perfectionism can be my downfall. I know more than anyone that I am flawed. I have an addictive personality. I have an anxiety disorder. Sometimes I go through depression spells so severe that I feel like running into traffic. Sometimes I wake up from nightmares having just vividly seen some of the most gruesome and horrifying imagery a subconscious could conceive of. I have to continuously remind myself that I am worthy of love, or I will sabotage it. It’s taken me many years to learn to stop sabotaging love, and it will likely remain a work in progress.

Philosopher Alain de Botton has stated that the worst thing you can do to someone you love is show them your full self. We expect too much from partners. He believes that romanticism is a new age concept. Marriage used to be something that was a matter of convenience, child rearing, a pragmatic partnership. For sexual fun there were mistresses. For regular fun there were hobbies. Now we expect our partners to be completely sexually fulfilling, have and raise our children, maintain finances with us, keep their areas clean, and be our greatest confidant. That’s a lot. Alain argues it’s too much. He argues that the romantic period ruined us, in a sense. We expect too much from each other.

As smart as Alain is, I’m going to have to disagree with him on romance not being an innate part of human nature. I have always been fascinated by ancient graffiti, and that is all you really need to turn to to prove his theory invalid. Scribbled across the wall of the preserved-by-tragedy Pompeii is a phrase, written 2,097 years ago, that translates to “If you are able, but not willing, why do you put off our joy and kindle hope and tell me always to come back tomorrow? So, force me to die since you force me to live without you. Your gift will be to stop torturing me. Certainly, hope returns to the lover what it has once snatched away.”

All heart broken people are poets, and to romanticize is to be human. There was no romantic period that corrupted us. We simply have reached the comfortable place on Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs where we can enjoy it. We don’t need cold and pragmatic partnerships. As long as we have food in our stomachs and medicine in our cabinets we can chase this whole love thing. We can spend years yearning for it, dissecting it, philosophizing about it, and beating ourselves up over it. 

I have always been a Tina Belcher type character. I don’t remember a time where I wasn’t fantasizing about love or dwelling on it. I would walk home from school my freshman year of high school and take a break on this bench along my trek. I’d sit there and think about my first boyfriend, turned first ex-boyfriend. I’d wonder where his love for me went, and how it was even possible for love to die. My passion for him died a slow, slow painful death whereas he seemed to move on with ease. I put him on a pedestal I thought I’d never be able to remove him from. 

A few weeks ago I decorated cookies with his step son, my nephew’s best friend. Life is truly funny. 

I guess that explains it all. I saw a man’s passion for me die very early in my life, and now I can’t stand the concept. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not going to be a dramatic little twat about it. If a man were to tell me he loves me “more and more each day” I’d take it as it was intended, to be high praise, but in the pit of my stomach I would feel this pang. For when I love, I love fully, and I have the privilege of being a spoiled little poet about it. Romanticism. It’s innate within all of us isn’t it?

My passion for passion has caused me great harm in my life, but I can’t imagine a life without it. It has almost killed me, but it also has made me feel more alive than I’ve ever felt before. My first kiss was skillfully awful, but it sent me home on a cloud of sunbeams. I didn’t feel my feet as I moved, I floated. I laid in bed at night and felt the electricity shoot through my body as I re-imagined his kiss on the corner of my mouth. I still to this day think about laughing with my ex-girlfriend as her tiny Asian ass picked me up and held me like a baby. I think about her putting her cold foot on my stomach and how we would fall over laughing constantly. I think about how beautiful she looked when the wind whipped her hair, and those long skirts she used to wear. 

I think about when this lovely man kissed me, and the shock I felt at a man’s lips being so soft. I think about when I was with a terribly unlovely man, but was so in love that I wanted to scream it from the mountain tops. I think about love.

I’ve had the great privilege and horror of being built, broken, and remolded again and again by love. I need it to stop being this fluid thing. I need it to be set in stone that I love a person, and that person loves me, fully, lest I go insane from it and bore you all with pretentious poetry (let’s be honest, I probably will anyway.) 

This was a heavy post, so I’m going to leave this on a lighter note. This is one of my favorite pieces of graffiti from the ancient ruins of Pompeii, left on the wall of a brothel: “ Weep, you girls. My penis has given you up. Now it penetrates men's behinds. Goodbye, wondrous femininity! “

We’ve always been clowns. Lovely, loving, romantic, poetry writing clowns. And we always will be. 

I’m sorry I haven’t been streaming lately. I’ve been overloaded with work as the holidays draw near, and suffered a depression spell a few weeks ago that left me sort of wanting to isolate for a bit. I hope to stream today (Sunday). If I am not graced with your company, I want to wish you the happiest of holidays in advance. I’ll ramble at your sassy asses later. 

 “Do you recall it's name As it suggested beck and call? This face and heel Will drag your halo through the mud Ash of Pompeii Erupting in a statues dust Shrouded in veils Because these handcuffs hurt too much “ - Cicatriz Esp, The Mars Volta

[beinglibertarian]

Definition of Libertarianism and its Incompatibility with Partisan Politics

I wasn’t entirely sure how to start off this article. I have been absent in politics for a little over a year now, with the last article I wrote and had published here was in September of 2017. I haven’t necessarily cared about politics, nothing has changed, people have doubled down on identity politics and general tribalism, and as these elections are coming up I’ve seen very clearly that nothing has changed.

In this last year, I’ve done nothing but work and schooling. It has helped me incredibly and has made me tremendously happy. Before this, I spent a good three to four years, maybe five, shoulders deep in political campaigns and political science.

As politics goes, I loved it and hated every single minute of it and I was good. I wouldn’t just get into an argument or a campaign or anything if I didn’t believe in it and I did my research. I only did what I felt was correct, I used logic and reason, and came to my conclusions to solidify my beliefs, but I wouldn’t let my mind be closed to new ideas. Each bit of new information kept me on my toes and always had me in constant philosophical and existential conundrums. To me, those who stop learning are always the most ignorant and the easiest to control.

As I worked and went to school over this last year I’ve paid less and less attention to politics and because of it, I became happier and happier with life. The less politics in my life the more I could actually enjoy life. I even swore to my friends and family that I’d never get into politics again, and it’s something I still believe and won’t go back on. I’ve written this article not for politics necessarily but for economics. Before you say it, yes, economics and politics go hand in hand, however, economics only requires a little bit of politics, the bit that enables the ability for free trade.

Social consequences or any of that other shit, it’s not politics, it’s manufactured, nonstop social engineering. Socialism and communism is just a bunch of children whining about injustices that they themselves have contributed to and have no real intention of doing anything about; police brutality, racism etc. Those things existed because they were just as complacent for it as anyone else. The only time they decided to care was when it was broadcasted to the world, it always existed and they’ve always voted for it because that’s what modern politics consists of: voting for which of the two masters gets to whip you or shoot you.

Earlier when I said I loved and hated politics I didn’t mean it was for the thrill of it and the regret of it. I’m not sure how people will take it, but I said it because I loved learning about how people think, how people have thought and how people are. I loved learning in general about the ideas people have put forth; the failures and successes and ultimately what makes people believe in things bigger than us. What I hated and still hate was finding out just how flawed we really are. Humans are gullible and stubborn, we’re open-minded and ignorant, selfless and selfish, and in the end the deeper we become involved in politics the madder at the world we can get, and we end up losing the very thing that makes us human.

It’s taken me a few paragraphs but finally, I’ll get to the purpose of the article: my definition of libertarianism.

I say my definition of libertarianism because as any “libertarian” will tell you, we’re a giant clusterfuck of individuality that occasionally pokes our heads into a circle jerk of similar ideas. In the end, we leave with what we thought it was in the first place. I don’t believe in libertarianism as a political ideology essentially just because I think we are too individualistic and we can be just as stubborn as any other partisan person. By extension, the entire notion that we can be a political party in the first place is asinine, and the Libertarian Party (LP) itself is the best example of this.

The LP is, at the end of the day, a consortium of wannabe like-minded individuals who claim to be individuals. Everyone argues with no true Scotsman fallacies and yet there’s still a hierarchy of “correct” views of what libertarianism is. Nicholas Sarwark’s row against the Ludwig von Mises Institute and Tom Woods are prime examples of this. Libertarianism in my view is an ideology based on the economic principles and the overall social and moral principles of individualism and all that encompasses; from free trade and private property to the non-aggression principle.

It is in my best interest to be able to do business with whomever I please, it is also in my best interest to hold and maintain my own property. It is not in my best interest to have my neighbors be hungry, sick, or mistreated, so if I can I will try to help provide them with food, medicine, and protection, but I won’t force others to do so. I do it out of my own free will because it is morally right to feed others when they cannot, treat them because they cannot, and protect them because they cannot. It is right socially because I volunteer to do so but I refuse to force others to do so as well. It is right economically because my neighbors won’t steal from me, harm me, or threaten me because I am willing to help them.

“Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day; show him how to catch fish, and you feed him for a lifetime.” If my neighbor does steal, harm, or threaten me even after I’ve helped them than it is in my best interest and my right to defend myself. After all, one can only do so much to help someone and if they don’t learn to help themselves than all you’re doing is enabling their bad decisions and lifestyle.

I’ll live with this definition of libertarianism. I’m not interested in whether you think I’m right or wrong. Throw hate or love my way I don’t care; not in a nihilistic way though. I just generally don’t give a shit cause we all have our own definition of what it is to be an individual and that is in fact what makes us individuals.

The post Definition of Libertarianism and its Incompatibility with Partisan Politics appeared first on Being Libertarian.

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[logh-icebergs]

Episode 27: First Battle

January 798/489. The first season of Legend of Galactic Heroes is the prelude. With the opening of season two, the real first act begins; and it kicks off with an unplanned skirmish between an Imperial fleet and a training mission from Iserlohn. Not realizing that the forces they’ve encountered are mostly new recruits and trainees, the Imperial commander assumes that the cautious and uncoordinated movements of the enemy troops are a patented Yang Wenli Tactic™, and doesn’t attack very aggressively while trying to decipher the clever ruse. The delay gives the entire fleet of 10,000 ships that Yang mobilized from Iserlohn time to show up and say “boo,” scaring the Imperial troops away before the entire training mission is annihilated. During the short battle, Julian, who was there for training, manages to shoot down three Valkyries and a cruiser. Meanwhile on Odin, Reinhard negotiates political reforms, finances, and staffing from behind eyes as cold and empty as Oberstein’s.

Separation...

We’ve seen Julian separated from Yang before, but only in the context of Yang going off to have adventures while Julian is left behind watching wistfully after him.

Left back at the house while Yang and Dusty fight the PKC... (From episode 3.)

...Left on Heinessen while Yang sets out to capture Iserlohn... (From episode 6.)

...And of course left alone in a back alley while Yang goes on a stroll with Jessica. (From episode 10.)

In this episode, for the first time, it’s Julian who’s thrown into the middle of the action on his own, when an unexpected battle breaks out during a training mission. This feels like a kind of test run of the whole concept of Julian actually enlisting and going to war: For Julian, that means facing real split-second life-or-death decisions on his own for the first time, rather than just listening to Yang (or Poplan or Schenkopp or any of his other mentors) pontificate about tactics; for Yang, it means facing more tangibly than ever before the very real possibility that this war he’s been trying (unsuccessfully) to end will actually result in Julian’s life being cut short.

Yang may have any number of philosophical or moral objections to the continuation of the war and the role of the military in society, but there’s also a very simple reason he doesn’t want Julian to become a soldier.

The moment right before Julian launches into battle gives us the second ever departure from strict realism in LoGH’s cinematography, a glimpse into Julian’s mind where we find a snippet of memory (or imagination?) devoid of context: just himself and Yang, in blackness, talking about premonitions of death. With an emphatic shake of his head, Julian seems to physically force both his fear of death and thoughts of Yang out of his mind. For right now, he’s on his own.

...Okay did Julian have an emo phase no one told me about?

Julian, Alone

Icebergs readers would be forgiven for getting the impression that Julian is a main focus (if not the main focus) of the season one Alliance story, since I pretty much talked constantly about him all season. But of course that’s not true: Julian’s story so far has taken place in the periphery of the action, mostly via small gestures, body language, glances, smiles. This is the first time the narrative actually centers him, seeing the battle from his perspective and through his emotions.

Julian’s reaction to killing someone for the first time is intense but narratively understated. He’s overwhelmed, shaking; but this is what he signed up for, and still in the heat of battle he can’t spare time or emotional energy to dwell on it.

This moment is a) adorable, and b) a deft bit of commentary, with Julian chastising himself for almost shooting at an ally that flew into his path. Of course that’s how battle works: Killing the other guys is good; killing your guys is bad. In context Julian’s reaction makes perfect sense—it’s how he’s supposed to think—but I find it chilling.

His flashiest accomplishment is taking out a whole cruiser, which he does by having the presence of mind to hover right against the side of the ship to hide from its scope, and then use its own weapons to take it down. This was clever of him, but also lucky—more a result of right place/right time than incredible heroism or brilliant planning.

In this gorgeously directed sequence, the Spartanian mothership that Julian was anchored at is critically hit, and Julian just barely manages to launch before it explodes.

Once again the emotional difference between the deaths of allies and enemies is highlighted here. In a rage of grief over the deaths of the people he knew on his mothership, Julian shoots down the first Valkyrie he sees…

...when just shortly before he was almost killed himself by a Valkyrie pilot in exactly the same position, whose mothership he himself had just destroyed. Karma’s a bitch.

Phew. It’s an intense nine hours for Julian: His life is directly at risk for the first time—in fact he’s only saved from being shot down when Poplan picks off all three Valkyries that are going after him. He kills, albeit in an anonymous, impersonal way. He sees many people he knows and works with not return from this (meaningless, unplanned) battle. It’s a hell of a lot for a fifteen-year-old, and he both handles it well and is clearly struggling against feeling overwhelmed. 

Aww. <3

Yang

Meanwhile back on Iserlohn, Yang confronts the possibility of Julian’s death in battle by—with the calm and composed air of an objective commander—promptly sending every available ship out as reinforcements. 

I find Frederica’s forced optimism here actually quite irritating. Julian’s an untrained kid who should not be thrown into battle yet. “Don’t worry, he’s lucky!” is a meaningless thing to say, as Yang clearly knows.

Yang often uses the method of placing trust in someone to earn their loyalty, and this move is similar, but also serves a couple of other purposes: It lets him learn more about Merkatz’s tactical philosophy, and it also conveniently gives added justification to his plan to immediately mobilize the entire fleet and charge into battle. When the suggestion initially comes from Merkatz, no one can accuse Yang of acting rashly because Julian happens to be in danger.

I said this battle is a test run, and that’s how I feel Yang treats it for himself. He obviously cares about Julian a ton and doesn’t want him involved in the war; but Julian isn’t actually his child, or his family at all. The show has been a bit coy about the details of their official relationship so far (we’ll learn more soon), but the technical legal situation is basically that the government has paid Yang to put a roof over Julian’s head for a few years, and maybe teach him a bit about the ways of war while he’s at it, before Julian inevitably joins the military to pay the government back for putting him through school.

With Yang’s deep belief in self-determination, the coercive nature of this system for dealing with war orphans is among the reasons he’s opposed to Julian’s path—he doesn’t see it as really Julian’s own choice. Back in episode 3 he offered to take on Julian’s debt himself, but that suggestion wounded Julian’s pride. (From episode 3.)

Their current arrangement, then, is fundamentally tenuous: The most probable outcome involves Julian eventually going to battle and being killed; and since that’s been true from the beginning, despite Yang’s grumblings, I think that Yang’s forced stoicism in this episode comes partly from feeling like it’s not quite his place to display too much parental protectiveness or emotional attachment.

Yang doesn’t ask after Julian’s safety even when they’ve scared the Imperial troops away and the battle is over, but he can’t quite hide either his bracing against bad news or his intense relief behind that cup of tea.

Yang in season one: “I hate soldiers.” “I don’t want Julian to go to war.” “I don’t want Julian to have to kill anyone.” Yang in season two: “Holy crap he blew up a ship? All by himself?? Badass!!” ...I mean I guess if Julian *has* to be a soldier, he might as well be a good one, huh Yang?

...And Reunion

This is my favorite moment of the episode. Julian may have appointed himself Yang’s physical protector, but this time it’s Yang who appears like a knight in shining armor to rescue him. There’s so much relief, gratitude, and total emotional exhaustion in his laughter here.

The battle that began with Julian physically forcing Yang out of his thoughts ends with Yang’s fleet appearing on his radar screen just when the tide of battle was turning in the enemy’s favor. As a battle, it’s pretty anticlimactic and pointless. The scene that’s framed narratively as the climax of the episode isn’t the end of the battle, but rather Julian and Yang’s reunion.

Even though Julian just conducted himself admirably in battle and notched several kills, he is very much still a kid, as this shot emphasizes.

The reason everyone bursts into laughter here is that this little awkward display of scolding is so out of character, as well as factually inaccurate—I doubt Yang has ever bothered to tell Julian not to do dangerous things.

This awkwardness from Yang’s side is new—throughout season one he treated Julian with an easy, paternal-ish affection, praising him freely and ruffling his hair (a bit condescendingly) when he offered his own insights or boasted of his skills.

(From episodes 17 and 19.)

But the events of this episode are nothing if not symbolic of the fact that Julian’s in the process of growing up; and as Julian does grow up, it’s unclear exactly how they’re supposed to relate to each other—as parent/child? As family? As commander/soldier? As friends? I’ve already diagnosed Julian’s attachment to Yang as the early stages of a crush; and while I think Yang’s oblivious to that angle at this point, it also threatens to complicate their relationship going forward. This scene highlights the fact that, despite how close they are, there’s a tension that didn’t used to exist in the air between them; and if there’s one thing I can promise you it’s that we will be keeping an eye on that throughout the season.

Poplan and Konev!

Speaking of things to keep an eye on as we begin a new season, we also get to see more of Poplan and Konev during this battle: mentoring the trainees as they head off to fight; grumbling about the government; saving Julian’s ass; competing as always for the most kills.

I love this for two reasons. One, Konev is adorable—his syntax is funnier in Japanese, where he answers Poplan’s “dou iu imi da?” with a parallel “sou iu imi sa,” even making use of the emphatic particle sa to rhyme with the copula verb in Poplan’s sentence. (Literally the exchange is “What sort of meaning?” / “*That* sort of meaning.”) And two, this isn’t just random goofiness: They’re about to send kids into an unplanned and likely deadly battle, and banter like this has the effect of both encouraging and relaxing them.

Poplan plays up his cocky, goofball side to make the trainees laugh, but he also takes this battle and his job as their teacher very seriously…

...and as soon as the trainees are gone so is his confidence, as he turns to complain to Konev about being forced to fight with inexperienced pilots who will be no match for Reinhard’s troops. Discussing/arguing about politics is one of the many facets of their relationship, as we’ll see more later on.

Three of those 22 kills of Poplan’s come right in a row, as he saves Julian’s life by cleanly picking off three Valkyries that are chasing him. Do not think for one second that Poplan is just a background comic relief character: Not only does he take his role as mentor to the younger soldiers seriously, but when he says he’s a genius at piloting, he’s absolutely correct.

...and Heteronormativity

I’ve mentioned that Poplan plays the role of one of the show’s mouthpieces of heteronormativity, specifically a version of masculinity that’s centered around (many, many) sexual relations with women, and in this episode we see that clearly for the first time.

This raised pinky gesture refers, in 20th century Japan at least, to a (man’s) girlfriend/wife/mistress; I assume the same meaning survived 1600 years into the future? Translation note: Poplan actually says “there are more interesting things than piloting that I have to teach you about”—highlighting not just the importance of Julian learning all about sleeping with women, but his own implied expertise in the matter. (The verb is 教えてやる, oshiete-yaru, to do the favor of teaching something to someone.)

This exchange comes right after Julian comments that he doesn’t want to die so young, and right before he flies back into battle. Poplan’s innuendo and picking a fight with Konev serve a similar purpose to his cocky boasting to the trainees before the battle began: lightening the mood away from a focus on possible impending death, in order to help Julian relax a bit before plunging back into the fight. The impulse is kind, but the content of Poplan’s teasing is miscalculated. Julian doesn’t react with laugher, but rather seems uncomfortable and unsure how to respond—turning away with raised eyebrows, and only smiling after Konev changes the subject back to the battle.

Note the easy intimacy of Konev pushing Poplan’s head away here; body language communicates a ton in this show, and Poplan and Konev routinely occupy each other’s personal space with a comfort that’s rare among all the friendships we see.

Whatever Poplan’s intention, the effect of his speech is still to present a view of masculinity tied to (hetero)sexual prowess, and Julian doesn’t seem to relate. But Poplan isn’t a solo act—and Konev’s role as the other half of the duo is key to the overall tone of the scene. Far from seeming to take any offense at Poplan’s insinuations about his preference for crossword puzzles over sleeping around, Konev nonchalantly ignores Poplan and changes the subject. By not defending himself or seeming at all self-conscious, he undermines whatever Poplan was about to say about the duties of men, treating it as irrelevant and not worth engaging with. Konev provides not only an alternative model of masculinity to what Poplan espouses, but also a good example of exactly how seriously to take Poplan’s bluster—namely not at all.

Unlike Poplan’s exaggerated machismo, Konev’s habit of standing in the background of scenes staring at someone with an unguarded, fond smile is something Julian definitely *can* relate to. Konev...people can see you, you know.

Stray Tidbits

Reinhard has been busy over in the empire, enacting an impressive list of reforms, including freedom of the press, democratic constitutions (for local governments, I guess?), and...credit unions for farmers? Okie doke. Score one for benevolent dictatorship. The skill of both the animators and the voice acting in showing Reinhard’s utter heartbreak is so impressive; how can a few frames of animation convey the ice in someone’s soul this well?

Speaking of the animators’ skill, I love this page from the production booklet that comes with the season two LaserDiscs showing the details of Julian’s Spartanian pilot uniform—which patches and decals go where, how everything connects, a closeup of the glove. The righthand page says “helmet markings for Julian” at the bottom and “for the main helmet design, see separate section” at the top, which I find adorable. 

Dear Dusty, I know you were also really badass in this episode, and I promise sometime soon I will give you more space in a post than a few screenshots down in the tidbits section. <3

Daaamn, Yang is all prepared for the 798 Iserlohn pin up calendar. (Is that even a comfortable way to nap, Yang...??)

I’m so happy that the analogy sex:Poplan :: tea:Yang :: revenge:Oberstein is official LoGH canon.

The casual LoGH viewer might believe that this is the first glimpse we get of any Imperial Valkyrie pilots, but we at Icebergs are here to disabuse the world of such shallow readings: In fact we saw a Valkyrie pilot way back in episode 2 (5:57, go watch it). We have dubbed him Heinrich. RIP Heinrich, we hardly knew ye.

I can’t believe we’re already starting season two!! Thank you for journeying through a whole season with us, and buckle up—this show just gets better and better.

[filmstruck]

An interview with production designer Norman Garwood (TIME BANDITS, BRAZIL, THE PRINCESS BRIDE)

How do you begin crafting a futuristic look? What questions do you ask yourself? 

For me, designing any new world is a combination of reaching into my imagination and also doing very extensive research for reference. There is a huge freedom when designing the future, but it’s also important to create a look that feels unique and unexpected. When I designed BRAZIL (’85) I created an Art Deco view of what the future would look like, as I thought it would be a really interesting aesthetic. And from this premise the film started to take on a style and a spirit if its own. The first month of prep was just researching and getting ideas together. We got wonderful illustrations from comic books from the 1930’s and their version of the future, plus extensive images of inventions and machines from the time. It fitted the narrative of the film perfectly and it was amazing how a “Brazil-esque” style evolved with everything - the design, the clothes, the props. It took on a life of its own. 

What are the discussions like with the director and the cinematographer – how much are they involved? 

Ideally, the director, cinematographer and designer work in complete collaboration to create the overall look of the film. My most successful experiences on films have always been when we’ve worked very closely together.  Director’s usually have very strong ideas about the films they are making, so that relationship usually involves a lot of brainstorming and exchanges of ideas. As a designer you also have to serve the filmmaker from a practical sense - so the sets and locations work for shooting and lighting too. And whilst designing sets, colour becomes increasingly important. A colour palette can help define a story, so you work hand in hand with a cinematographer to bring the narrative to life together.  For example, BRAZIL (’85) had a very controlled color scheme of primarily blue, black, gray and white. Terry Gilliam wanted to keep it monochromatic to make a statement about the establishment. I also worked very closely with Roger Pratt, a brilliant cinematographer, when the sets were being conceived because the lighting was so important in that movie. For one set, the padded cell where Jonathan Pryce ends up, Roger and I had talked about lighting it from the bottom and top, even before the set was designed. And the sets themselves often influenced how he wanted to light the scenes, so it was great. We all inspired each other. 

How much of creating a futuristic look is about attempting to be accurate versus taking creative liberty to fit the narrative? 

I believe you must always serve the narrative first. Your ideas must always have some grounding in reality, so the audience somehow believes what they’re seeing regardless of how crazy something looks, but then you should also let your imagination run wild. So the trick is creating a world that seems authentic while taking enough creative liberty to really engage the audience and tell the story properly. I also think humor should also come into design sometimes. I’ve always had fun creating different worlds, whether it be for TIME BANDITS (’81) or THE PRINCESS BRIDE (’87) or whatever. And we had hysterical fun on BRAZIL (’85). Terry Gilliam has a fantastic sense of humor, as did our wonderful costume designer Jim Acheson who came up with most incredible and hilarious costumes. We bounced ideas off each other constantly, and would all encourage each other to push the boundaries with everything. So even though accuracy and authenticity are very important, you also need to give yourself a certain amount of freedom. 

What was going on in the 70s, politically/philosophically/sociologically that affected how they imagined the future? How did that evolve going into the 80s and onward? 

During the 70’s in London there was an incredible sense of creativity that certainly inspired me. I had moved down to London from Birmingham after art school in the late 1960’s to take a job as an Assistant Set Designer at ABC television, and there was a real sense of liberation amongst the youth. We were the first generation to really break away from our parents and forge our own paths. Music, art and fashion all felt completely new and rebellious, and everyone got swept up in that energy. Some incredibly progressive films were being made at the time about dystopian futures like A CLOCKWORK ORANGE (’71) 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY (’68), and the original ROLLERBALL (’75). Society changed significantly as we headed into the 1980’s and capitalism started taking over, and you started to see that reflected in future films like BLADE RUNNER (’82) and the MAD MAX trilogy. Films always reflect society to some extent. That’s what’s so interesting about filmmaking.  

What factors influence the way we, as a society, imagine the future in general? 

I think the future has never felt closer than it does right now. We are standing on the precipice of a totally changed world. Technology has completely re-designed the landscape. Driverless cars, robots, automated workplaces, the internet, and computers that fit in the palm of your hands, are no longer just a figment of someone’s wild imagination. It’s reality. Devices designed for films 20 years ago, like that holographic computer swipe-screens that we created for “Lost In Space” are now the norm. I can only imagine that the future will continue to integrate technology into every aspect of modern life. Even designing itself requires a completely different skill set nowadays and relies heavily on computers and animation. I feel lucky I was able to design the simple way - sketching with a pen and paper!

[hasansonsuzceliktas]

An Enlightened History of Humanity

There is a more positive way of looking at history than in the context of who fought which wars or invaded and became the leader of which countries. That way of regarding history tells us that humanity has remained really childish.  I believe most children have played the game; “I’m the king of the castle and you’re a dirty rascal!” If we look at newspapers or read history books it appears that humanity at large is still stuck in these childhood games. Just the other day for example, Trump sent out a tweet saying that: “Russia vows to shoot down any and all missiles fired at Syria. Get ready Russia, because they will be coming, nice and new and “smart!” This tweet of course sparked intense debate and fears of a demented world leader starting a third world war! I offer here another vision of history, an Enlightened vision. Instead of remembering and honouring political leaders and warmongers of all kinds, let us turn our attention towards the Enlightened ones and how they have benefitted humanity. Being With A Master

It was my great good fortune to sit at Osho’s feet from 1973 till his death in 1990. During those years, he gave hundreds of discourses on the many enlightened beings that have graced this Earth. In this way, I was introduced to another version of history, one that brings so much richness and appreciation of humanity’s potential for genius, love and compassion. It is one of the greatest legacies of Osho, to have introduced to the world for posterity, a deeper understanding of the mystical geniuses who have graced this planet. These enlightened beings are in fact our greatest heritage. When an Enlightened one dies, their light and love remain in the ether, available for future generations to tap into and be uplifted by. Each Enlightened being functions as a portal through which we have access to Universal Consciousness. Being with a Master is a love affair. Who can say why a person is attracted to this master, or to another one? Similar to falling in love with a woman or with a man, we are magnetically drawn towards the Master who will best suit our unique being on multiple levels. I remember hearing Osho say that the way to know if a Master is right for you is: If you feel that your heart is expanding and growing wings, this is a right master for you. If you feel your heart shrinking, then this will be a wrong master for you. This attraction goes beyond the physical. Even after a Master’s death, people still can be initiated into the Master’s spiritual lineage and be benefitted from his non-physical presence. I offer some examples: Hermes Trismegistus  Hermes was a King, a Philosopher, an Alchemist and a Spiritual Master of great renown in Egypt in the very ancient world. Some say he lived 9000 years ago and was the originator of the Emerald Tablet, revered by Egyptian Mystery Schools and reputed to contain the three dimensions of wisdom regarding the whole universe. There is much speculation about him and no definitive proof. However, his Hermetic writings have and continue to hold a powerful influence in the Western world.

He taught the alchemy of transcendence and revealed the ways and means to have an overview of our dual world, moving into a non-dual state of being. His teachings inspired the Middle Eastern and European tradition of the Magi (also known as magicians). There was a division in his followers, some who followed his wisdom teachings for the greatest good of all beings and for the Earth (the Gnostics) and some who twisted his teachings into black magic and manipulation of the masses (the Illuminati). Unfortunately, The Gnostic wise people were exterminated and the Illuminati gained power over much of the earth, which they still hold secretly to this day. Osho spoke on the Great Law of Magic in his book, My Way the Way of the White Clouds. In this discourse he encapsulates in just a few sentences the entire transmission of Hermes. It is certainly an awesome methodology. Osho says: “Choose happiness – that means you are choosing the effect – and then see what happens. Choose ecstasy and see what happens. Choose to be blissful and see what happens. Your whole life will change immediately and you will see miracles happening around you – because now you have created the effect and causes will have to follow. This will look magical; you can even call it the law of magic. The first is the law of science and the second is the law of magic. Religion is magic, and you can be the magician. That’s what I teach you: to be the magician, to know the secret of magic. Try it! You have been trying the other your whole life – not only this but many other lives also. Now listen to me! Try this magic formula, this mantra I give to you. Create the effect and see what happens; causes immediately surround you, they follow. Don’t wait for the causes; you have waited long enough. Choose happiness and you will be happy.” Wikepedia says: “Hermetic tradition” refers to alchemy, magic, astrology, and related subjects. The texts are usually divided into two categories: the philosophical and the technical Hermetica. The former deals mainly with philosophy and the latter with practical magic, potions, and alchemy.” A quote attributed to Hermes says: “If then you do not make yourself equal to God, you cannot apprehend God; for like is known by like. Leap clear of all that is corporeal and make yourself grown to a like expanse with that greatness which is beyond all measure; rise above all time and become eternal; then you will apprehend God. Think that for you too, nothing is impossible; deem that you too are immortal, and that you are able to grasp all things in your thought, to know every craft and science; find your home in the haunts of every living creature; make yourself higher than all heights and lower than all depths; bring together in yourself all opposites of quality, heat and cold, dryness and fluidity; think that you are everywhere at once, on land, at sea, in heaven; think that you are not yet begotten, that you are in the womb, that you are young, that you are old, that you have died, that you are in the world beyond the grave; grasp in your thought all of this at once, all times and places, all substances and qualities and magnitudes together; then you can apprehend God.” The Vigyan Bhairav Tantra This is a scripture attributed to Lord Shiva. It was most likely part of an oral tradition and then written down about 5000 years ago. Osho has given us two volumes of discourses on the 112 sutras contained in this scripture. Osho’s discourses on this subject are in ‘The Book Of Secrets’.

The Vigyan Bhairav Tantra is the most valuable scripture in the world in my opinion because it is simply offering practical methods for attaining expanded consciousness. It is not giving dogma, theory or a set of beliefs, just methods. By practicing the methods, your own innate wisdom will begin bubbling up and overflowing into every aspect of your life. The storyline for the Scripture is Devi (Shiva’s Consort) sitting in his lap and asking him questions about life, love and spirituality. Each one of Shiva’s 112 answers is in sutra form and constitutes one method of meditation. Devi Asks Shiva: “O Shiva, what is your reality? What is this wonder filled universe? What constitutes seed? Who centers the universal wheel? What is this life beyond form pervading forms? How may we enter it fully,  above space and time, names and descriptions? Let my doubts be cleared!” When we go deeply into the practice of Shiva’s methods we begin to realise that the Vigyan Bhairav Tantra has seeded many of the world’s religions. Perhaps a seeker of truth stumbled on one or more of the methods and through this, became enlightened. He then began teaching it and by and by this became the foundation of a new religion. For example, Buddha’s Vipassana is from the Vigyan Bhairav Tantra, as are methods of Bhakta, Sufism, Pythagoras, Atisha, Zen and so on…. I teach the Vigyan Bhairav Tantra Retreat each year in Dharamsala, India in Osho Nisarga, a center at the foothills of the Himalayas. I have been teaching this retreat there for many years and each time it gives me immense joy to again be immersed in these meditations. Each of the techniques is a masterpiece, and we can feel the Enlightened being who gave birth to these sutras was of the highest calibre. We can still feel the vibrant aliveness of Shiva and Devi through the sutras and through the practice of the methods. Osho says in his Book of Secrets: “Vigyan Bhairav Tantra is five thousand years old. It is the most ancient and yet the latest, yet the newest. Old like the hills, the methods seem eternal; and yet they are new like the dewdrop before the sun, because they are so fresh.” “These 112 methods are for the whole of humanity-for all the ages that have passed, and for all the ages that have yet to come.” A selection of 3 Sutras from the Vigyan Bhairav Tantra “Attention between eyebrows, let mind be before thought. Let form fill with breath essence to the top of the head and there shower as light.” “At the start of sexual union keep attentive on the fire in the beginning, and so continuing, avoid the embers in the end.” “O Shakti, each particular perception is limited, disappearing in Omnipotence.” Krishna Lived about 5000 years ago. He is one of the most passionately loved and revered Masters of all time. His story is very romantic. Having been raised with cowherds, he grew up to become a Spiritual Master and a King with far reaching power and influence. During his teenage years, it is said he had 15,000 girlfriends, with the most prominent being his Soul Mate, Radha. He played the flute in the forests of Vrindavan, which the women of the surrounding countryside found absolutely irresistible. They would spend hours in Ras Leela, intoxicated on the divine presence of Krishna.

His religion is purely Bhakti, based on love and devotion. To this day, devotees of Krishna dance and sing in large gatherings, calling his name over and over in an ecstasy of adoration. Krishna was also highly influential in the great ‘Mahabharata War’ (also known as the Kurukshetra War), which Osho describes as having broken the backbone of India and from which India never recovered. Even though no one can prove this, it certainly sounds from written accounts in the Mahabharata that nuclear weapons were being used at that time. “Gurkha, flying a swift and powerful vimana (fast aircraft) hurled a single projectile (rocket) charged with the power of the Universe (nuclear device). An incandescent column of smoke and flame, as bright as ten thousand suns, rose with its entire splendour.” (There are many more passages in the Mahabharata describing several types of very advanced weapons used in the war.) Osho has given us a large book on Krishna, the Man and His Philosophy, which is a masterpiece of insight into this enigmatic enlightened being. Osho says: “His significance, his greatness lies in the fact that he is all things together, all things rolled into one, all contradictions living hand in hand, and there is a great harmony in all his contradictions. He can play the flute and he can dance, and with the same ease he can fight his enemy in the battlefield with his chakra, his wheel-like weapon. And there is no contradiction between the two roles. He can play pranks with the girls of his village, running away with their clothes when they are bathing in the river, and he can also make the most profound statements like in the Geeta. He can be a thief and a perfect yogi together. Krishna is one person in so many diverse roles — and that is his grandeur, his glory. And this is the uniqueness of Krishna, his individuality. You will not find it in Rama, Buddha, Mahavira or Jesus Christ. Krishna is a blending of contradiction, a beautiful synthesis of all contradictions. I say so for the reason that I don’t find these contradictions to be really contradictory. In fact, all of life’s truth is a blending, a synthesis of contradictions. The whole of life is based on contradictions, and there is no discordance in those contradictions; rather, there is full accord, absolute harmony among them.” Some Quotes attributed to Krishna are: “When a person responds to the joys and sorrows of others as if they were his own, he has attained to the highest state of spiritual union.” “Actions do not cling to me because I am not attached to their results. Those who understand this and practice it live in freedom.” “The body is not yours, neither are you of the body. The body is made of fire, water, air, earth and ether and will disappear into these elements. But the soul is permanent, so who are you?” Amitabha Buddha Amitābha is known as “The Buddha of Immeasurable Light and Life”.

He is spoken about by Gautama the Buddha as having lived 2,500 years before Gautama the Buddha. It is said he established a pure land paradise where those who call upon him can go after death to become steeped in Dharma and return to the world as Bodhisattvas for the benefit of all beings. It is said that if his name is recited, anyone whether monk or layperson, can achieve Spiritual Liberation. The way to unite with Amitabha is to recite his name and also to visualise this world as the lotus paradise. Amitabha made a vow to wait at the portal of Enlightenment and not to go through until all beings of our world have become enlightened. He has great followings of people in Japan, Korea, China, Vietnam and Tibet. Wikipedia says: “His most important enlightenment technique is the visualization of the surrounding world as a paradise. Who sees his world as a paradise, awakens his enlightenment energy. The world can be seen as a paradise by a corresponding positive thought (enlightenment thought) or by sending light to all beings (wish all beings to be happy). After the Amitābha doctrine, one can come to paradise (in the Pure Land of Amitābha), if they visualize at their death Amitābha in the heaven (sun) over their head (western horizon), think his name as a mantra and leave the body as a soul through the Crown Chakra.” The mantra for manifesting a connection with Amitabha Buddha and all he represents is: OṃAmideva Hrīḥ pronounced as Om Ami Dewa Hrih. It is advised by devotees of Amitabha Buddha to recite this mantra 108 times each day. A quote attributed to Amitabha Buddha is: “Every day, every hour, every minute, every second, whether you are praying, working, driving, cooking, sleeping, eating, lying and even breathing or whatever, learn to be mindful of your thoughts, actions and speech. Make it a natural way of life and realise the calmness within; feel the happiness that arises and know that anyone can attain this state of calmness.” Gautama Buddha He lived 2,500 years ago in Northern India. He was raised as prince Siddartha in great luxury and sensual enjoyments. However, being a seeker at heart, he escaped from the palace when he was 30 years old and went in search of Enlightenment. He tried numerous paths, followed several Gurus, and went deeply into asceticism. Having nearly died from his ascetic practices, he finally let go of all effort to become enlightened and simply witnessed his breath, while sitting under a tree. He slept and as the dawn broke, he entered the enlightened state. He then established a Sangam (spiritual gathering) of monks, who roamed with him in India for over 40 years. His teaching is centered on the spiritual practice of meditation and compassion.

His great tree of spirituality has spread into many branches, covering the whole of the Eastern world. Even today, many people attain Enlightenment using his teachings and techniques. (It is interesting that his principal method, Vipassana is actually one of the methods from the 5000 year-old scripture, Vigyan Bhairav Tantra.) I once saw a documentary in which a mathematical image mapping of the universe was shown. At the very center of the universe was a clear image of a Buddha seated in Meditation. So evidently, this posture of meditation in which the Buddha is depicted, resonates with the vibration of the core of our universe. Perhaps it is for this reason that so many people have entered universal consciousness while seated in meditation. Osho has given us many volumes of books on the Dhamapadha (Buddha’s teachings) plus many books on Zen (one of the branches in Buddha’s lineage). For anyone who is attracted to the teachings of Buddha, Osho’s books offer rare insights and stories regarding this mystical path. Osho Says: “Gautam Buddha’s emphasis on compassion was a very new phenomenon as far as the mystics of old were concerned. Gautam Buddha makes a historical dividing line from the past; before him meditation was enough, nobody had emphasized compassion together with meditation. And the reason was that meditation brings enlightenment, your blossoming, your ultimate expression of being. What more do you need? As far as the individual is concerned, meditation is enough. Gautam Buddha’s greatness consists in introducing compassion even before you start meditating. You should be more loving, more kind, more compassionate. There is a hidden science behind it. Before a man becomes enlightened, if he has a heart full of compassion there is a possibility that after meditation he will help others to achieve the same beatitude, to the same height, to the same celebration as he has achieved. Gautam Buddha makes it possible for enlightenment to be infectious.” A Quote of Buddha says: “A generous heart, kind speech and a life of service and compassion are the things which renew humanity.” Lao Tzu Born in China, Sixth century B.C.E. Died: Sixth century B.C.E.

Was a great Taoist Master in China. It is said he was born already old, meaning he was born wise. He was a contemporary of Confucius and indeed it is very humorous to read the description by Confucius of his meeting with Lao Tzu. It is obviously the meeting of an intellectual scholar with an Enlightened Master. Confucius stumbled out of the meeting with Lao Tzu in a very dazed and confused state, saying, “I understand the order of things, how fish are able to swim and birds are able to fly, but I have met with a Dragon and cannot grasp how he can levitate into the clouds and reflect on what cannot be known.” In typical Taoist style, Lao Tzu gives the supreme teaching of ‘suchness.’ Even though highly revered, he shunned fame and fortune and lived a simple life. At around the age of 80 he left the city to go on an eternal pilgrimage. At the Hanku Pass, near Loyang the guard at the gate recognised him and detained him, requesting that before he disappear from the world, he should write down his wisdom for the benefit of all beings. Under duress, Lao Tzu wrote down 5 thousand wisdom teachings and this later came to be known as the Tao Te Ching. Osho says about Lao Tzu: “When I speak on Lao Tzu I speak as if I am speaking on my own self. With him my being is totally one. When I speak on Lao Tzu it is as if I am looking in a mirror – my own face is reflected. When I speak on Lao Tzu, I am absolutely with him. Even to say absolutely with him is not true – I am him, he is me.” A quote from Lao Tzu’s book Tao Te Ching, chapter 6, translated by Arthur Waley says: “The valley spirit never dies It is named the mysterious female And the doorway of the mysterious female Is the base from which heaven and earth spring It is there within us all the while Draw upon it as you will. It never runs dry.” Patanjali (born 150 BCE)

Is known as the principal proponent of Yoga, even though he himself was part of a long lineage of Yoga Gurus. Due to his phenomenal articulateness on the subject of Yoga, we have the gift of being able to follow Yoga principles clearly, even today. It is a Godsend that Yoga is now so prolifically spread all over the world, even though many people do not understand the spiritual foundation of it and think of it only as physical exercise. According to Osho, it is much deeper than that and is indeed a path to Samadhi, spiritual liberation. Osho has spoken 12 volumes on Patanjali’s Yoga Sutras, offering us a wealth of understanding and insight on this subject. I have a friend, Yoga Deep who is a master Yoga teacher. He has studied many Yoga forms and has also studied in-depth Osho’s 12 volumes on Yoga. He is the only person in the world as far as I know who blends classical Yoga with Osho’s deep insights on Yoga. Osho says about Patanjali: “Patanjali is logical and rational, mathematical, scientific. He does not ask any faith. He asks only courage to experiment, courage to move, courage to take a jump into the unknown. He does not say, “Believe, and then you will experience.” He says, “Experience, and then you will believe.” And he has made a structure how to proceed step by step. His path is not haphazard; it is not like a labyrinth, it is like a super-highway. Everything is clear and the shortest possible route. But you have to follow it in every detail; otherwise you will move out of the path and in the wilderness.” Patanjali outlines an eight-fold path for attaining Enlightened Consciousness: Yama (Truthful, conscious and kind conduct.) Niyama (Spiritual lifestyle, including devotion to God or Guru, purity of body and mind, self-discipline, contemplation, and contentment in all circumstances.) Asana (Right posture with spinal column straight, body upright and firmly rooted in a comfortable position for entering meditation.) Pranayama (Practice of breathing exercises leading to awareness and experience of prana, the subtle breath of life.) Pratyahara (Withdrawal of senses from external objects.) Dharana (Holding the mind steady, ability to focus only on one thought.) Dhyana (Meditation.) Samadhi (The experience of remaining conscious and in a state of witnessing while the body is in dreamless sleep. This opens into superconsciousness.) Patanjali is quoted as saying that Yoga is: “Neutralization of the alternating waves in consciousness.” He also says: “When you are inspired by some great purpose, some extraordinary project, all your thoughts break their bonds; your mind transcends limitations; your conscious expands in every direction; and you find yourself in a great, new and wonderful world.” Issa (Jesus) (Born approximately 17 April, 6 B.C.)

Jesus has had the sad fate of being entirely misrepresented by Christianity. If we simply put the lie-based Christianity aside and focus on the man, Issa and his life story, he is indeed highly inspirational as a spiritually awakened Master. To understand the real Jesus (Issa) more deeply, read the book or watch the documentary by the same name: Jesus Lived In India.These contain irrefutable evidence of Jesus’s lost years both before and after the Crucifixion. He lived an incredible life! Before going to Israel and proclaiming his teachings there, he lived during his youth in India, studying Jainism, Vedanta, Upanishads, Yoga, Buddhism, and Tantra. After the crucifixion (which was rigged for him to survive) he travelled back to India where he established an Ashram (becoming a Guru to the large Jewish population in Kashmir), married a local peasant woman, had a son and lived to the ripe old age of 112. His tomb is in Srinagar, Kashmir. His teachings are kept on record at many temples, including in India and Tibet. Osho spoke at length on Jesus and it was from him that I first heard that Jesus studied in India, survived the crucifixion and went back to India where he lived to a ripe old age. Through further study, I found out that what Osho said is indeed true. Osho’s books on Jesus, The Mustard Seed and Come Follow Me, are a revelation about the man and his mission. Osho Says: “Jesus never renounced the world. He was standing in the midst of us all. He was not an escapist. He moved in the marketplace, he lived with the crowd. He talked to prostitutes, labourers, farmers, fishermen. He didn’t go out of the world. He remained here amidst you. He knew the world better than anyone who has escaped from it. It is no wonder that Christ’s message became so powerful. Mahavira’s message never became so powerful but Jesus converted almost half the world, why? Because he remained in the world; he understood the world, its ways, the people, the mind.” Beautiful translations directly from Aramaic of Jesus’s teachings can be found in the book: Prayers of the Cosmos: Meditations on the Aramaic Words of Jesus by Neil Douglas Klotz  A quote of Issa (Jesus) from Neil Douglas Klotz’ translation is: “O Birther! Father-Mother of the cosmos You create all that moves In light O Thou! The breathing life of all Creator of the shimmering sound that Touches us Respiration of all worlds We hear you breathing in and out In silence Source of Sound; in the roar and the whisper In the breeze and the whirlwind, we Hear your name Radiant one; you shine within us Outside us—even darkness shines—when We remember Name of names, our small identity Unravels in you; you give it back As a lesson Wordless action, silent potency Where ears and eyes awaken, there Heaven comes O Birther! Father-Mother of the Cosmos!” Gorakhnath

Was a renowned Tantra Master who lived (approximately) in the 8th Century. He was reputed to be in the direct lineage of Lord Shiva. According to Yoga historian Romola Butalia he authored the following scriptures: “The Goraksha Samhita, Goraksha Gita, Siddha Siddhanta Paddhati, Yoga Martanada, Yoga Siddhanta Paddhati, Yoga-Bija, Yoga Chintamani.” He is also said to be the founder of Hatha Yoga. His influence is far reaching, even today, stretching from Nepal to South India. His greatest glory is to be experienced in Khajuraho, the village in Madhya Pradesh, India, which boasts a series of Tantra and Jain Temples. They are famous for the exquisitely formed erotic sculptures on the outer circumference of the temples. Some of these temples were built based on the wisdom teachings of Gorakhnath and with the support of the Chandela Dynasty. Wikepedia says: “Historical records note that the Khajuraho temple site had 85 temples by the 12th century, spread over 20 square kilometres. Of these, only about 25 temples have survived, spread over 6 square kilometres.” Osho Says about Khajuraho “If you meditate there, you will know what the Tantra masters were doing. They were creating in stone something that is felt in the ultimate orgasmic joy. It was the most difficult thing to do, to bring ecstasy into the stone. And if the stone can show the ecstasy, then everybody can move into that ecstasy easily. Khajuraho sculpture is not just to see, it is for meditation. Sit silently and meditate for hours. If one goes to Khajuraho, one should live at least for three months there, so he can meditate on each possible inner posture of orgasmic joy. And then, slowly, slowly, the at-onement, slowly, slowly, the harmony; then suddenly you are transported into another world — the world of those mystics who created this temple.”  Osho had a supreme respect for Gorakhnath, listing him as one of the 4 greatest Mystics India has ever produced. Osho says: “The whole palace of India’s literature of the Saint Tradition rests on this one stone; everything is based on this one individual. He has said it all and slowly, slowly all he has said will go on becoming more beautiful, a many coloured splendour over time. People will meditate and base their spiritual practice on it for centuries to come. Who knows how many enlightened beings shall be born through him?” A Quote from Gorakhnath: “Neither emptiness nor fullness Neither Isness nor no-isness So unfathomable, beyond the senses In the Inner sky of the crown chakra It is the innocent voice of a child How can it be named? Laughing, being playful, The knack of meditation Day and night Sharing this divine inspiration He laughs, he plays, his mind untroubled This unwavering one is always with God.” Padma Sambhava (lived during the 8th Century) Is known as the second Buddha in Tibet. He travelled from India and established Tantric Buddhism in Tibet and was also influential in Bhutan. His Tantric consort was the Princess Mandarava from Rewalsar, India. The cave they lived in is a revered place of pilgrimage today. I have been there and meditated in the cave and it is indeed a place filled with superpowers.

In Tibet, Padma Sambhava worked with a team of 133 translators on translating Tantra and Buddhist Scriptures and gave Tantra teachings. Due to his genius in helping enemies of the Dharma turn towards the Dharma, the Emperor of Tibet offered Padma Sambhava his own wife, Yeshe Tsogyal as a second consort. When we see depictions of a male and female in the Tantric Yab Yum position, this is usually depicting Padma Sambhava and his consort in deep embrace. He is also depicted in paintings as sitting in the middle between his two consorts. It is said that both of Padma Sambhava’s consorts attained Enlightenment during Tantra Sexual Union practices and that in the form of a Rainbow Body and Terma, they are ever available to help Tantric practitioners on the path. (Terma is a word which means the hiding of deep spiritual teachings in the ether. When a seeker arrives, who is ready to receive the transmission, the Terma is delivered as a download into the psyche of the recipient.) During the sacred tour of Leh Ladak in September 2018, we will be visiting a monastery where Padma Sambhava lived for some time. A quote from Padma Sambhava says: “If you want to know your past life, look at your present condition. If you want to know your future life, look at your present actions.” Saraha

Was born as a Brahmin during the 8th Century in Roli, within the city-state of Rajni in Eastern India. He later became a renowned Buddhist scholar. His Enlightenment happened when he became a disciple of a female Tantra Initiatress and Master known as ‘the Arrow-smith Woman.’ His teachings also went to Tibet and had a great influence on the Tantra lineages there and a Tantra stream in India represented by the Baul Mystics still keep his teachings alive. (If you would like to meet a Baul Mystic Master come to the Tantra Festival in Delhi in November 2018.) Osho has given two volumes of discourses on the Baul Mystics, called ‘The Beloved.’ It is very special to read or listen to Osho’s discourses on the Royal Songs of Saraha. Osho’s discourse called ‘Aiming At the One’ detailing Saraha’s life story and the meeting with his Tantra Female Master is simply breath-taking. A quote from Saraha says: “Here in this body are the sacred rivers, here are the sun and the moon as well as the pilgrimage places. I have not encountered another temple as blissful as my own body.” Abhinava Gupta (950 – 1016 AD) Was a highly influential and revered Tantra Master in Kashmir, India. Kashmir was a melting pot of many different nationalities as it was on the Silk Road and people from China to Rome passed through there. The many spiritual traditions introduced to the region by travellers found a welcome amalgamation through Tantra. The tradition of Tantra simply expanded to make space for all approaches of spirituality to be embraced under one umbrella.

Abhinava Gupta was thus very open minded, with an incredible intellect, and profound spiritual insights. He was born to Tantric adept parents and his first Guru was his father. He subsequently studied with 15 different Gurus. His most profound initiation happened through the wife of one of his Gurus, Sambhunatha. She acted as a conduit for the great Goddess in a Tantric Ritual. He lifted Tantra out of the shackles of a male oriented Tantra Yoga approach and taught the equal honouring of both male and female in life, love and spirituality. He taught that householders as well as renunciates could have full access to Tantra teachings and benefits, thus deleting the stranglehold of elitism. At that time, Tantra was simply a way of life for all. Wikipedia says: “His desire was to create a synthetic, all-inclusive system, where the contrasts of different scriptures could be resolved by integration into a superior perspective.”—“By his own testimony, he had attained spiritual liberation through his Kaula practice, under the guidance of his most admired master, Śambhunātha.” Because the region was a crossroads, Kashmiri Tantra spread to the whole of the known world, from China to Europe. If we look at the web of Tantra throughout the world, all the silken threads lead back to Kashmir and Abhinava Gupta. Of course, there were many illustrious Masters spanning many generations before and after him but the teachings of Abhinava stand out, illuminating across time and space. This is also because he was a great scholar among his other attributes and wrote down Tantra scriptures for posterity. A quote of Abhinava Gupta says: “The couple (yamala) is consciousness itself, the unifying emission and the stable abode. It is the absolute, the noble cosmic bliss consisting of both Shiva and Shakti. It is the supreme secret of Kula; neither quiescent nor emergent, it is the flowing font of both quiescence and emergence.” (Tantraloka)  Atisha (Born 982 – Died 1054 CE)

Was a devotee of the Goddess Tara. The goddess Tara is renowned for alleviating the suffering of all beings both physically and spiritually. After a series of dreams and visions where the Goddess appeared and gave him instructions and initiations, Atisha travelled from India to Tibet bringing the wisdom teachings of Tara and sparked multiple streams of Tibetan Tantra and Tibetan Buddhism. A quote from Atisha says: “To be kind to those who have come from afar, to those who have been ill for a long time, or to our parents in their old age, is equivalent to meditating on emptiness of which compassion is the very essence.” Tilopa Born 988—Died 1069 Had a very interesting life. He was born to Royalty but left his family to become the disciple of a female Tantra Master. He travelled far and wide, also receiving the transmission from 6 other Masters. His last Master, Matangi, sent him to become a pimp and bouncer in a brothel. While working there, he experienced a download of Mahamudra (meaning the great gesture arising from the Ultimate Orgasm with the universe). He then began teaching Tantra and his greatest disciple was Naropa, who became his successor. Tilopa gave 6 powerful instructions to Naropa for adhering to the Tantra path:

1) Don’t recall; (Let go of what has passed.) 2) Don’t imagine; (Let go of what may come.) 3) Don’t think; (Let go of what is happening now.) 4) Don’t examine; (Don’t try and figure anything out.) 5) Don’t control; (Don’t try and make anything happen.) 6) Rest; (Relax right now, and rest.) Osho gave beautiful discourses on Tilopa’s Song of Mahamudra, in Tantra: the Supreme Understanding; Osho Says: Tilopa says in the song, “Become like a hollow bamboo, nothing inside.” And suddenly, the moment you are a hollow bamboo, the divine lips are on you; the hollow bamboo becomes a flute and the song starts. This is The Song of Mahamudra. Tilopa has become a hollow bamboo; the divine has come and the song has started. It is the song of the ultimate experience itself.” Tilopa says: “At first a yogi feels his mind Is tumbling like a waterfall; In mid-course, like the Ganges It flows on slow and gentle; In the end, it is a great vast ocean, where the Lights of Son and Mother merge in one.”  Osho gave talks on Upanishadic Rishis whose written teachings form one of the main foundations of the Hindu Religion. Written Upanishads are from the 6th century BCE to 15th-century CE and before that there was a long oral tradition. Osho also spoke on many other Enlightened beings that we may never have heard of if it were not for him. He has certainly exposed to the world the glory of Mother India as a fountainhead of Enlightened beings and Enlightened research. He has also spoken on Sufi Masters of the Middle East, on Hassids of Israel, on Heraclitus and Pythagoras of Greece, on Gurjieff who was from Russia but lived in France, and many more. As the number of Enlightened Beings who have graced this Earth number in the thousands, it is not possible to write down the stories of all of them in this article. Many have remained unknown. However, their fragrance wafts through the ether, touching our heart and soul. Out of the many Enlightened beings, it is important to mention the Pagan, Gnostic and Shamanicapproaches to life. In many indigenous cultures, an Enlightened lifestyle was simply a way of being. One contemporary culture that functions in this way today are the Kogi of Columbia. See the film Aluna  to learn more about them. The Gnostics had a very simple and intelligent way of being in communion with the divine in everyday life. They had mystery cells of 8 men and 8 women who went through initiation with a Master and after experiencing illumination, they too would start their own mystery cell. These mystery cells were spread throughout the middle east and Europe for a thousand years before Christianity and indeed are the true roots of the Western spiritual heritage. Christianity did a massive genocide of Gnostics, burning their scriptures and killing them in the millions till every trace of them was purged from historical memory. One historian John Lamb Lash, has spent 20 years studying any records he could unearth about them and has written a ground-breaking book about the Gnostics called Not in His Image. This book holds an important key for our future as well as vital information about our roots. A Quote on the Gnostics from John Lamb Lash is: “Gnosis is psychosomatic illumination, the full-body rush of cognitive ecstasy and direct sensorial reception of the vital intelligence of the earth.” The Hawaiian Huna Tradition deserves special mention. Their wisdom, carried most probably from the famed continent Lemuria (Mu) is really timeless, being nature based and leading to harmony within and without. An affirmation from the Huna Tradition is: Ike (awareness) Kala (freedom) Makia (attentiveness and concentration) Manawa (Presence in this moment) Aloha (Love) Mana (Confidence) Iroquois Nations In the USA there are innumerable examples of indigenous wisdom, and no more so than the Iroquois People. They were wisdom holders of the highest order and it is actually they, who are the true authors of the American Constitution. When early American statesmen were searching for an appropriate foundation document for the new country, they came to know about the amazing peacekeeping and governance strategies used by the Iroquois Indians. They took their vision statement and used it for the American Constitution. To understand the depth and breadth of the Iroquois’ Nation read the book, The Walking People A native American Oral History by Paula Underwood. A quote from Gloria Steinhem says: “When a Laguna law student from New Mexico complained that her courses didn’t cite the Iroquois Confederacy as the model for the U.S. Constitution—or explain that this still existing Confederacy was the oldest continuing democracy in the world—I thought she was being romantic. But I read about the Constitutional Convention and discovered that Benjamin Franklin had indeed cited the Iroquois Confederacy as a model. He was well aware of its success in unifying vast areas of the United States and Canada by bringing together native nations for mutual decisions but also allowing autonomy in local ones. He hoped the Constitution could do the same for the thirteen states. That’s why he invited two Iroquois men to Philadelphia as advisers. Among their first questions was said to be: Where are the women?”  A quote from the Iroquois at the time of Thanksgiving is: “Today we have gathered and we see that the cycles of life continue. We have been given the duty to live in balance and harmony with each other and all living things. So now, we bring our minds together as one as we give greetings and thanks to each other as People. Now our minds are one.” Some persons reading this newsletter may be wondering how to meet an Enlightened being who is still alive in the body. In my lifetime so far, I have met 5 Enlightened beings. Krishnamurti, Osho, Tamosan Uetzusan Kohrogi Sensei Osho

I met him in 1973 and remained in his community for 26 years. I never saw him do anything which was not in service of awakening consciousness in individuals and for the collective. He worked through powerful discourses, meditation methods and devices aimed at drawing out the fullest potential of each human being. His compassion was simply breath taking in its depth and vastness. His methods were designed to shock us out of our long sleep, to dissolve collective conditioning, to reveal to us our own grandeur. Osho says: “To be an Enlightened Mystic means that the song this person was born to sing has burst forth, the fragrance that was hidden in this flower has been released to the winds. An enlightened consciousness means you have become that which you were destined to be. And naturally, in the fulfilment of this destiny, there is supreme bliss”. Krishnamurti (11th May 1895—17th February 1986)

I met him in Mumbai after having been initiated by Osho. I could recognize his Enlightened quality and felt great appreciation of him and his work. However, I found him too serious for my taste and therefore did not seek him out again, though I greatly enjoyed some of his books. Osho spoke about Krishnamurti many times and offered great respect towards him, teased him and also expressed compassion for what he went through earlier in his life. Krishnamurti says: “It is only those who are in constant revolt that discover what is true, not the man who conforms, who follows some tradition. It is only when you are constantly enquiring, constantly observing, constantly learning that you find truth, God or love.” Tamo san (enlightened Japanese Priestess)

She came to Osho’s community in November, 1989, saying: “I came to give my energy to Osho that his strength would come back. He can make a big change in the world. I want to make sure he can be well.” Osho publicly recognised her as enlightened by showering her with Rose Petals. He gave her a certificate which said: “I Osho, as a Buddha in my own right, recognise and rejoice in your Enlightenment. I know and you must be knowing, that there is one step more, going beyond Enlightenment, and being nothing.” Later, I visited her in Japan. She had an altar with pictures of Buddha and Osho. Her way of working was very interesting. She was a tiny woman but with superhuman strength. She would pick up a huge grown man, give him a powerful blow on the back and put him back down. She did this to me and I was reeling from the lightning bolt of energy that ran through my body for days afterwards! Tamo san left her body on 21st November 2001. Tamo san says: “In the old days, evil things spread rapidly, but now good things spread rapidly. If you understand…everything begins to appear wonderful and beautiful, and it naturally makes people stop wasting or stop desiring unnecessary things. This awakening is contagious and it will be transmitted to everybody soon.” Uetzusan He came into my life for a brief period and we taught together for about a year, and during that time we created a world-wide movement for teaching our combined work of meditation and Tantra. He is a charismatic Healer and offers a simple yet powerful transmission of Expanded Consciousness. In 2008 he gave me a transmission which propelled me into Universal Consciousness.

Uetzusan says: “Live with love and compassion for everybody and everything; this is the practice of truth. The ultimate purpose of the body is to live with this understanding, that everything is love, everything is compassion.” Kohrogi Sensei Is a Japanese Master who has been in my life since 1994. He is a healer using the method Ito Thermie and also teaches a group called Natsukashi, which means ‘coming back home to your original nature.’ He teaches in Japan, Tokyo area, and also comes to Europe about once per year. His teaching is beyond definition, but if I could name a flavour, it would have to be Tao. He is both ordinary and extraordinary. His teaching is both simple and profound. I have participated in his groups and trainings about 18 times and never get tired of it because it is the refined flavour of his teaching which brings me back again and again. Every time I think of him, an inner smile comes to my lips. Kohrogi Sensei says: “You are not just alone. Everything is supporting you. Hold a leaf and have eye contact. Hold a rock and have eye contact. These will help you to remember. Natsukashi means, “Everything is already present.” We have forgotten this. When we ‘remember’ this is Natsukashi.”

The Ocean Of Consciousness Humanity tends to behave like fishes who are in the sea, crying out, “Where is the sea?” when the sea is all around! I hope this blog has awakened your enthusiasm regarding the true history of humanity, the Enlightened history. Let us not celebrate the villains who are raping and pillaging the treasures of our world. Let us place our attention and highest regard towards those beings who are showing us the way to live in harmony, peace, love and wisdom. These Enlightened Beings are our best resources. They each have different ways of helping humanity to awaken. And all of their varied devices lead to the same ocean of consciousness. (Article taken from Sarita's blog: http://www.tantra-essence.com) Read the full article

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Life Story Part 51

It was the first day of school at the Paradise Creek Regional Alternative School, and I walked into a room full of people I had never met. There was never more than three classes going on at any one time, and often times there was only one real core class of about 20-30 students. Last hour did bring about fifteen more students who spent their days at the regular high school, and would drop into the alternative school to get extra credits. We didn't get passed around through seven classes as day like we did at the public school, there were only three – each class being two hours long. And the building was quite small. It felt weird being in this classroom. Even though I had planned to be in a new school for the last year, it was hard to fathom how I got to that place.

What I had been hoping, and what I had soon learned to be incorrect, was that the alternative school would be very lax about what they expected of you and I wouldn't have to try or anything, since I hadn't truly tried in school for years – even when I brought my grades up, it wasn't with much enthusiasm or interest in doing a good job. It seemed to me early on that this might have been the case, after all, there was no homework, and they weren't overly concerned with what you ate, or wore or when you went to the bathroom so long as you weren't obscene about it. But what I soon learned, was that this school actually expected a lot.

Our primary teacher was named Mike. Mike was married to the counselor of the school, Jenni. When he introduced himself to the class, it was very hard for me to believe he was a teacher. For one thing, he had hair down to his back, neatly put into a ponytail – but still much longer than I had ever seen any other teacher have. Had he walked into the school down in Kendrick, the teachers and the students alike would have been in complete shock. His standards were also very high, and he was overflowing with passion for knowledge. We weren't going to learn anything from a textbook. Instead, he would have us read articles or small books, and we would discuss this – but most of this knowledge resided freshly in his mind. He was very formal – and not so formal at the same time. Nothing weirded him out, but he didn't seem to falter very easily in conversation. And he didn't dismiss anyone. I guess I had been so used to being dismissed in school that it took me by shock that he expected answers from me, and for me to turn in papers at the end of class just like he expected it of everyone else. He didn't pretend that anyone wasn't there, nor did he make strong attempts at shaming or belittling anyone. He was very similar to the writer John Green in some ways.

This was very difficult for me to take. It should have been completely expected on my part, but I was overall stunned to find that he actually wanted everyone, me included (of all people) to participate on the very first day. And what he expected of me was very challenging – at the time at least. He told everyone in the class that we were to write two pages explaining our opinions on 'Do We Believe History is Worthwhile?' And after we wrote it, we were to stand up and read allowed what we had written. This baffled me and caused me to do mental somersaults. Why did he expect me to answer this?? In Kendrick, they had never wanted us to give personal answers to anything. They had discouraged us from asking why, or having us come up with philosophical responses to life. And for all the opinions I upheld and tossed around in conversation at the lunch table, I had never really been challenged to explain why I believed something to be true.

For one, it just wasn't the language of my upbringing. My father was an intelligent person in many respects, but he loathed social issues and questions that pierced the heart of why people do anything. My mother had no discipline of thought whatsoever and only seemed to follow a stream of egotistical and fantastical consciousness that lead nowhere. Both of them did their jobs well, and for them their jobs were all they ever took the time out to learn how to do – not why they did it. They didn't want to look outside of themselves and wonder why they did anything, or within themselves too deeply either. And it wasn't the language of the community I grew up in – it by and large is not the language of the working class even though it definitely should be, or of the school I grew up in ��� the curriculum, or of my friends and personal relations. So throughout my entire life, even though I had been outside the box in my observations, I had in most ways, been living through a filter, with limitations and assumptions that I never intended or even understood could be challenged. I know that sounds strange, but you would be amazed what dries up and disappears when nobody expects something of you, and perhaps it was challenging and maybe even painful for me to even let myself ask that question in certain parts of my own life.

Just the first two hours were hell. I was angry, and I didn't know why. I wanted to rebel, but there was no reason to. It had always been okay for me to be a bad student in the other school. It was my role, and I had a right to be angry within that role. And I had found a home in that place. It gave me a sense of entitlement to a degree. As long as I was in a position to be in the defensive all the time, I never had to think about making anything better of myself. But nobody was being rude to me in any way. The other students seemed to be either very open minded and somewhat mature for their age, or their lives were plagued by real issues, like being still in school and raising a baby, or living in far more intolerable and abusive circumstances than I could really fathom. Nobody wanted to bring me down. Nobody was kicking my chair, or giving me weird looks. It was strange, but in my observations, I felt like without realizing it, I had grown to expect a mild bit of hostility from people. I welcomed it. I hadn't egged it on or anything, but when nobody seemed to be reacting to me, it was hard for me to know who to be. I was frustrated that someone would even ask me a question like this. I couldn't explain why. I was just angry, and internally combusting as I stared down at a blank page.

I also had/'have enormous public speaking anxiety, and the very act of standing up in front of these people – on my first day especially was beyond mortifying. I had been decent when I understood my place with everyone in the smaller school. I had always been very anxious about standing up and speaking, but it was so much easier to do when I knew I was the one that was meant to ruffle feathers. Here, everyone looked at me like they wanted to know what I had to say, or were perhaps bored, but didn't have anything against me. That was hard. I realize that I had somehow formed a really messed up ego around the identity that I had become. As much as I craved change, I didn't feel like I had any control over anyone, and that made me want to revert. I ended up writing something. I wrote that history was not worthy of study. I knew that the cliché answer from most people would be that it was of course worthy of study, in order to not repeat the mistakes of the past and such. I also had always found memorizing dates and names to be arduous and boring. I was also very Ayn Rand during that time. This isn't to say that Ayn Rand didn't believe in studying history (she probably did but I am not going to fact check it). I had never read her, but much of her beliefs and ideas where things that I believed in a foggier way back in those days. I feel like I understand her – even though I now disagree with just about everything she stands for.

I know myself well enough now to know that I was responding to my abuse in a certain way. It is easier to believe that everything is fit for the fittest, might makes right, you have to crack some eggs if you want to make an omelet. Very capitalistic. You don't question – you do – and the merit of what you do will come back to you in the form of the currency of satisfaction and pleasure. You place your will upon the world around you, and if it is strong enough the world will bend to you. There is no room for weakness. Weakness gets beaten out of you, or you die. And it is a death you deserve, because there is only power, and being weak is the absence of power.

History seemed empty to me at that moment because it didn't have anything to do with me. I felt like it was a way for the collective consciousness to pity itself. It was society eating itself. You live in the now, and the now is all there is, or ever will be. All you have is an arrow in hand, and you shoot your enemies and you don't look back. You strive for the future, and looking in your rear view mirror was a waste of time. What I wrote was something something far less written than even that set of phrases. And I was the only one in the class that held those views.

It took me forever to write that out. I was nervous. I kept looking at Sarah, subconsciously hoping she would save me from the situation. Sarah wrote something that said that history was both not worth studying, and worthy of study. She didn't want to take a side. My nervousness caused me to start talking and making myself somewhat of a distraction. Mike actually had to tell me to be quiet. He rarely would stand above anyone during class, and instead would stoop down to talk to you. And he never sat, because it was painful. He was a fan of extreme ski boarding in the winters and he had had a few accidents on the slopes that had caused him to damage his nerves and be in a lot of pain. So he looked mildly fit and athletic, but he was in fact, stiff as a board for the most part. Nonetheless, he would stoop down to talk to all the students at face level. It was kind of unnerving. It was psychologically off putting. I felt like he was taking power away from me being doing that. And for that situation, I actually made Mike have to almost separate Sarah and I to keep me quiet. It was dumb, but I was responding so nervously, I had this need to rebel against what people told me to do, no matter how reasonable, and I didn't seem to know myself well enough to know why.

I eventually went up and read my essay, it was hard, if not impossible for me to look at the other students in the class. I had no reason to hate any of them. Hating people had always made it easier, but there was no reason for that here. They seemed to abide by some higher order in this room, and I felt like an outside to it.  If anything, I was the one that was actually the jerk. I need the dysfunction in order to function. I was judging them and responding more erratically to their basic act of respect – just sitting there and listening. Throughout the speech, I was so nervous, and psychologically in a state of chaos, I actually started laughing at what I had written – as I was used to other people laughing at me. But nobody laughed with me, and I felt like a deranged lunatic with an enormous and yet fragile ego.

Lunch was a full hour and twenty minutes. It was very nice by comparison to the stuffy lunch rooms of my youth with the angrily hostile diseased looks on their face as they piled slop onto your trays. You could just sit at the computers and check your email or do whatever. Or you could leave class altogether and go to a restaurant. There was no lunch room per say, but rather just a kitchen. And everyday the school made coffee cake, and everyone could have some. There was also bagels, yogurt, and a number of other foods that we could all take if we were feeling peckish. I was still very heavily on a diet, but it was nearly impossible for me to resist the coffee cakes after awhile.

I was also very anxious throughout the day because I didn't feel like I was getting adequate exercise just sitting in the desks all day. So I began taking more diet pills. By the last hour, I ended up realizing that I had taken too many. My heart and thoughts were racing and it hurt to keep still. What's more, I had taken one of my pills in the bathrooms without any water to wash it down. I hadn't realized it fully, but the pill had actually gotten trapped inside of my throat. Slowly, the gel melted away, but as soon as that happened the dust within the capsule would be released. So as I was sitting at the desk, next to this big dark haired guy named Matthew, I ended up coughing and dust started flying out of my mouth. It was pretty embarrassing. Matthew looked at me sort of frightened. I imagine what I had coughed had looked like a billow of smoke.

And then there was this boy named Lyndon that we ended up talking to quite a bit at first. Moscow was a much different place than either Lewiston or any of the small surrounding places. As such, there were small countercultures in Moscow that you wouldn't generally find anywhere else. Famously, one of these countercultures was this extreme group of nerdy young men mostly – there might have been a small handful of girls in the group. These extreme nerd factions were further divided between if each one was a Pirate or a Ninja. I believe this divide has it's roots in computer hacking, though I have never been fully clear on that and have not bothered to look. Both sides seemed identical to me, personally. For one, most of the outlandish ones kept a very similar look, of wearing a sort of video game style long black jacket that went down to their knees, the more straps and buttons the better. All of them looked like they were trying to be some kind of combination of The Crow and The Good, the Bad and the Ugly. And they were all very obsessed with the same things. Every last one of them was a fan of anime, and all of them seemed teeming with an obsession for hentai in particular. You got the feeling when you were around them that they wanted girls in their age bracket to act like stupid hentai woman-babies, since that was what they truly found attractive. Aside from these, these Ninjas and Pirates would set up game days where they would stay up for five days straight playing the exact same game on different screens. It was almost like an opium den. You would theoretically walk in, and there would be people crashed all over the floors, screens everywhere. Somehow they had hooked their consoles together. I even heard that occasionally they would piss in jars just to avoid having to leave their game even for a moment.

Lyndon came up to us and started talking to us very early on. He looked strange, with his combat boots and black jacket clad in all sorts of useless belts and such. We kind of liked him well enough at first – mainly because he was quite friendly in approaching us, and I was feeling rather alienated, so someone coming up and being friendly was helpful – at least to me. But it soon became clear that he mostly was into Sarah. He wouldn't stop blatantly staring at Sarah's chest. He couldn't even look at her face when she began to speak to him – it was that bad. He almost seemed unashamed of it.  We both tried to ignore it at first, thinking perhaps it looked like what it wasn't.

He mostly wanted to brag about his car, his father – who was a preacher, and more than anything his anime knowledge – mostly under shallow interpretation, his love for the band Sonata Arctica, Buckethead, and math rock in general, and his childish identity as a Ninja. He actually seemed years behind the two of us mentally. It felt like talking to a spoiled ten year old with neurotic interests. Nonetheless, we agreed to hang out with him that weekend. I had personally made it a goal of mine to start searching for other people who were like me. And maybe Lyndon wasn't so bad after all? So that weekend we agreed to drive up to Moscow to visit.

That weekend rolled around, and we drove up there. I don't remember much about the first half of the visit, only that it was sort of terrible. He just wanted Sarah on her back, basically. He looked at me annoyed wishing I wasn't there. He acted like an expectant child almost. Early on, we ended up going to visit this friend of his, that he always mentioned named Emery. So we drove to Emery's house – which was kinda weird. So, from what I understood, Emery's parent's were loaded and they couldn't really stand living with Emery as his taste, appearance and personality had been so taken over by video games. So they own this half falling apart antique home up in Moscow, it was an old duplex, and the other half was completely fallen apart. The other half, which you had to get to by traveling over loose boards and broken parts of the ceiling was fine to live in. When we got in there, Emery was sort of unfriendly. He talked coldly, as if he were one of the 'serious' anime guys in a show. But in fact, he was twice as spoiled as Lyndon. They were living a fantasy here together, pretending to be anime characters.

They first tried to make us watch this anime show on this tiny television they had set up. The room smelled of sweaty bachelor, and the sitting arrangement was awkward. It seemed like it was a techno anime show where there was data and such – and school girls of course. I failed to be enthralled by it. After that, Lyndon and Emery mostly just talked to each other. Emery looked at me almost with hostility the whole time. They wanted Sarah, but only as an anime cartoon girl who would strip for them and blush – which Sarah was not. Sarah and I convinced them that we wanted to go to the mall – mostly to get out of this creepy dark building with these two guys who were making us feel kind of sick. It wasn't that I really hated either one of them, but there was just something gross about them.

We went into the mall, and they came with us. Sarah and I started acting more ourselves and going into stores we wanted to go into, and I could tell Emery and Lyndon were annoyed by this. They actually looked embarrassed by us, and wouldn't get anywhere near us. I couldn't help noticing just how decked out Emery was. He was wearing what had to be, hundreds of dollars in fancy belts, boots, coat and hat – all to look like an anime character. He might have even been carrying fake weaponry even.

When we finally made it out of there, neither one of us had had a true chance to talk about what we were thinking. For the good majority of that day, we mostly just kept to ourselves and went along with whatever we were doing. I think perhaps we were both afraid that the other might still think Lyndon was a good guy and didn't want to hurt the other person's feelings. But I just told Sarah that I still felt gross from being in Emery's strange little cave, and she suddenly broke out wholeheartedly in agreement. We both spent the rest of the car ride home explaining and interpreting what we had just done all day and what we had both seen. It was obvious at this point that Lyndon was just in the market to get in Sarah's pants, though it was also painfully clear that he had zero charm and expected girls to simply fall at his feet because he was Lyndon after all, and he didn't even need any game. And Emery was so lost in the world of being an anime guy that there was no hope for him either. Nobody wanted me there – well, except Sarah. And since they probably just saw me as a fat chick – as most teenage boys will, they had been annoyed that I was there – as they thought they deserved some ridiculous stereotype.

So our first attempt to make friends ended up not going that well. Which was fine. For the rest of the year, I suffered Lyndon's existence more or less. He would start talking at you – mostly to brag about anime characters that he thought were cool. He never even tried to explain why they were funny or cool, or who they were. He would talk to you as though you lived inside his head and already agreed with him, and then he'd get this glint of anger and annoyance when people ever told them something about themselves. For Lyndon, everything was about him. He also intentionally ate as loudly as he could. It was a genuine distraction when we sat in the small computer room to write research essays, and he was intentionally eating obnoxiously – because anime characters that he liked ate loudly. He would slurp and smack animatedly. And he would sometimes and quite often get on the computers and watch his anime shows, or read manga, and he would laugh and talk to the screen. 'DON'T DO IT MASATAKA!' or just some anime character's name. We were all trying to study. I grew to dislike Lyndon very much for the remainder of the time I knew him.

Aside from him, there were a few kids in the class, that I remember. There were a lot of these sorts of girls I had never really known in Kendrick. They love smoking weed, they were super honest about everything, and though mostly very good natured, they had anger issues and probation officers. One girl, I remember, actually had gotten into trouble because of road rage. Someone had done something to piss her off while driving, so when they both stopped at a red light, she had gotten out of her vehicle, opened up their vehicle, dragged them out into the intersection and beat them. Another girl that I remember the best was named Kat. She had been there for years. She knew everyone in Moscow. She was extremely chill all the time, and was able to communicate very well. Most of these kids all listened to a lot of Sublime, Phish, and the Grateful Dead, though some of the angrier girls preferred screamo. So overall, there seemed to be about four subcultures I noticed in Moscow, the nerds – subdivided into the Ninjas and Pirates which I already mentioned, the hippie stoner types, who loved the Grateful Dead bears and were mostly pretty nice – though not really interested in challenging themselves, and then there was a large group of Emo-Screamo types who were extremely  obsessed with whatever it was that Hot Topic was currently selling. The girls all had enormous crushes on the singer of My Chemical Romance. And then there was a skateboarding subculture that I never really knew much about. I imagine it was like the skateboarders of any town.

Aside from Mike and Jenni running things, they had support aids – who would be there to help handle the more full classes. Andre was the one I remember better than any of them, and it was just him and Mary Kay early on. Andre was very different from anyone I had ever met. He was black, and from the south and didn't care what anyone thought of him. Most of the students hated his guts because he at times would become neurotically unhappy and be very cold to most of the students. He had worked at the school years previously, becoming a very close friend to Mike at one point – and in those days I heard stories that he was very friendly and warm towards people. And then he had gone to fight in Afghanistan. When he came back he wasn't the same. And it caused him to not really be able to do certain elements of his job properly. People were frightened to ask him for any sort of assistance.

He did like Sarah and I though. Mostly because we weren't afraid of him. I think some of the fear people had of Andre was because of his skin color, but some of it too was because he yelled a lot. But what we realized was that if Sarah and I both just continued to bravely talk to him rather than act frightened, he was actually a very nice. He cared a lot in some ways, possibly too much. He was the aid for the first and part of the second semesters and then one day, Mike told us that Andre had resigned. I guess they had had a falling out – the two of them. There was a girl in our class who was doing a lot of meth. Mike actually worried about this stuff a lot, and so did Andre. Everyone in this school cared more about the well being of the students than I even imagined any teacher ever actually did. They seemed to be constantly trying to find ways to untap each student's potential like a puzzle in their personality. It became a very psychological thing.

Mike however, had walls. He wouldn't quite allow himself to be really close to the students. Which was confusing because the very nature of his job was to try to reach us, and in so doing he had to be highly professional. Mike could have been a psychologist. But he still had walls. And this one girl doing meth, he didn't feel like he could help her after awhile. He would speak to her, and try to ask her challenging questions about herself, and she would just make up excuses in response. So Mike let go of trying to help her. Andre felt this was wrong to give up on any student, and he felt that Mike's approach to distancing himself from his students was amoral. So the two ended up fighting, and in the end Andre marched out. Nobody missed him but Sarah and I – and there was some reason for that. Him yelling at the students was really unprofessional and in bad keeping with the way the school operated. And some of these students had done nothing wrong. He was fun to talk to for Sarah and I however. We would crack a lot of jokes back and forth. I never really knew him though – only that he loved his young daughter a lot, and that he had his name professionally threaded into his shoes.

The other aid was named Mary Kae, and she in many ways was a silent optimist in every situation. She seemed like a boring happy housewife in many respects, except nothing seemed to shock her or make her flinch. Students would try to make her angry and nothing could. I didn't get to know Mary Kae all that well, but there wasn't that much to know. To anyone at the school, she was more or less and open book and the thing about her that were private seemed incredibly normal overall.

With the hours kept by the new school, I was rarely home to see my father ever. Half the time, and in some cases, almost all the time, I just spent the night at Sarah's and we would get up in the morning together and leave together for school again. By the time we got out, it was six in the afternoon, and we would drive back to Kendrick, eat dinner together and then draw and talk or get into an argument that would dissolve in misery and tears early in the morning, before falling to sleep – getting up and doing it again. I saw my dad maybe four hours a week. Another thing too, was that my older half sister Maria had come back from Florida for the second time, and she had been in a miserable place and had eventually called my father and asked if she could stay in his house with her now four children – Jasmine, Ian, Chantelle and baby JT. I think partially because of my absence, my father said yes. Maria could be the babysitter while I was off at school. She would fill in for me. So during this time, I didn't even need to babysit. It was almost like I wasn't entirely a part of the family unit anymore. And I had never understood what that would be like, but I ended up thriving because of it. It was the first time in my life that I felt like I could actually grow as a person – and there was no family members to bring me down or hurt me. I was away from the repetitive working class lifestyle. I didn't have to worry about my father, because he wasn't there – and he didn't even see me enough to be upset. And after a few months, his angry negative voice that I carried around with me began to fade.

With the family thing all sorted out temporarily in my life and the stress, worry and self monitoring related to that, I was actually able to face myself in a way I had never had a chance to. In many respects, I was sort of radicalized during this year. I thought more about ideas for ideas sake rather than what these ideas meant to me personally. I practiced a lot of abstract thinking. The whole world didn't just start seeming a whole lot bigger to me, it also seemed a whole lot deeper. I learned that you could take just about anything you saw in daily life an analyze it and realize all the connections there were in the world and to yourself. I was able to form a much more in depth aspect to my character than had consciously been there before. Going up to school in Moscow was probably the best decision I ever made.

About a week after I had started school, I was waiting for Sarah to come pick me up from my house, when my father received a phone call. I could hear him weeping and having troubles breathing. My first thoughts were that perhaps his mother had passed away. Grandma Betty was still alive at this point, but she was getting rather old. I had seen her a year before at the family reunion and she had seemed very happy to see everyone, but didn't at times seem that grounded of what was going on. She also had always been a heavy chainsmoker and it was only a matter of time really before that caught up with her.

I was too afraid to see my father crying, so I continued to sit out on the front ledge of the house and pretend that I hadn't heard. I knew I would find out any second anyway, and though many people like to be comforted immediately after something traumatic, nearly as many others would prefer time to compose themselves before facing the rest of the world. My father came out and in a sob explained to me that Patti, his recently exed girlfriend – the one he was doing the Hottest Men of the Lewis-Clark Calendar 2006 for, had just killed herself.  She had come home from the bar, having most likely been dumped by the twenty year old man she was pursuing. Being that she had just turned fifty, she felt ugly and used. She was starving herself terribly, her daughters seemed to hate her (and everything really). And so she got on her car, and hooked up a hose to the exhaust and had suffocated herself. Her best friend found her body three days later.

I can't say that my father has ever been the same after that. I think a lot of things effected him negatively in his life – the death of my baby brother William, the divorces, his breakup with Jody. But something dragged him closer to death when Patti died that way. And there was something less comforting, and more off about him forever after. He had been hoping to win her back in some way. He was still very much in love with her. He made a lot of phone calls after that, even talking to her ex husband that she had had her daughters with. The ex husband had expected Patti to do something like this, but he was rather cold about it in many regards. As were her children, though no one had anything to say that she had done that was particularly evil. She had been vein about herself, and willing to drop everything she did on a dime to attach herself to very young men. And this had made her a joke to them at her age. She had been passed around and humiliated. She had been obsessed with beauty and the thought of getting older was something she could not handle. But none of these things were criminal or evil, and her family for the most part made it seem that they had been. Perhaps it was their own upper class way of handling Patti and the ultimate stain of killing herself and what that meant for her daughters. She had been destroyed by her obsession with being perfect. And she had always been alone. She had been alone as teenager with no friends taking care of her dying religious mother. She had been alone with all of her relationships. And I think that kind of aloneness took her down as well.

After grieving for a few weeks, my father instantly went into this different mode and became obsessed with buying large amplifiers and speakers. Over the next few years, it became ridiculous. He kept buying PA speakers and filling the house with them. So everywhere you went in the house, there were either speakers, or speaker boxes with wires and soddering tools for building them. He got rid of furniture so he could fill the house with speakers. And these speakers ended up taking the place of tables and sometimes even chairs when it was a real sturdy one. And all he wanted to do was talk about speakers. He ended up calling people in the speaker companies and talking to representatives and help lines for the company, even going so far as to knowing these people personally, mostly because they also loved speakers. He started hanging out with anyone who played music, just in hopes that they would also enjoy talking about his speakers. And the weird thing is, he rarely ever actually hooked them up. It was always a project. He might turn something on to see how it performed, but there was never any real need for all these speakers. I don't know what this all meant in his underlying psyche, but I venture to guess that in some deep psychological way, he hoped that the sheer mass of volume could drown away his hopelessness and misery. Because aside from me, he never had much of an opportunity to sort through any of his feelings. If anyone knew what he was going through, it was me.

Three nights after Patti killed herself there was a strange night at the Sanborn household. I woke up from a nightmare. The nightmare wasn't about anything realistic in particular. I just dreamed that I was a little girl, a different child and I was walking in the woods with my brother, but there was something sick in the woods around us and we had to keep walking through these woods. It was hard to explain the sick feeling, but it made me think of flies on dead bodies. But it seemed very much alive and out to get us. The dream spiraled off into this general sense of strange dread, before I finally woke myself up. At the very same time that I woke up, I could hear my sister Allison screaming in the room down the hall. She had also just woken up from a nightmare. In her nightmare a vampire had been under the bed and it was trying to grab her feet. In her dream she had thought she was awake. And then she saw it floating up on the ceiling, and somehow she had woken herself up with her own screaming. And then my father had also just awakened from a nightmare. In his nightmare, someone had been standing in his bedroom, but he couldn't tell who it was. The person had kept saying his name over and over, but he had been paralyzed until Allison had screamed and he had woken up as well. None of us were the type to typically have nightmares – especially me – at least I don't remember them if I do have them. The only person who hadn't had a nightmare had been David, who was still fast asleep even though him and Allison shared a room.

My father and I contemplated about what that could possibly mean the next day. It was strange, because my father had always been very anti anything related to the supernatural. I had been fond of the supernatural, but I had never been able to really talk to him about it because he didn't understand or really seem to want to hear about it. But we couldn't help but wonder if this had somehow been related to Patti in some way. My father has silently maintained in his heart that in some way, this had been Patti's way of saying goodbye to him.

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PART 1 - http://tinyurl.com/l8xbvg8