#my subconscious is screaming at me
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That's it, I'm screwed. I'm at that point where my OC appears in my dreams with the canon character they're shipped with
I dreamt of a cutscene being added into Fallout 4 depending on who you romanced, and it was MacCready and David. Mac romantically bit David's neck at the end. They weren't getting freaky or anything, they were both standing, fully clothed, out in the open.
Maybe this is just the frustration of the writers block for both the normal story and the smut-shot bubbling up.
#elfdemiposts#dreaming of oc#oc x canon#fallout 4#fo4#maccready#rj maccready#OC david#dreams#dreaming#dream#a dream i had#my subconscious is screaming at me
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wanted to practice some more intense angry expressions and what better excuse to further my agenda of giving megumi the emotional catharsis he deserves
#my art#jujutsu kaisen#jjk#jjk fanart#jujutsu kaisen fanart#fushiguro megumi#megumi fushiguro#yall know tht one juuzou panel gjkgdghjkdfhgjkgd#guess what was my ref fr bottom right#i think megumi deserves to scream real guttural at least once#i think it would be good for him and i certainly would not complain to see it#i love stoic emotionally constipated characters dont get me wrong but also like. come on. points at the 'whatever!' scene#he's so GOOD when he gets to be expressive like PLEASE#anyway i once again have to do everything myself in this house when it comes to this kid#so i am treating myself to 4 flavours of angry megu#here we've got a fine selection of enraged ; holding himself back from clocking a mf by a thread ; seething ; and tortured :D#the classic capricorn emotions#real talk tho anger is Hard to draw#also bad fr the state of my skin probably with the way i was subconsciously Making these expressions as i drew#gna give myself wrinkles at 24 i had my brow furrowed so deeply
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CHAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTT!?!??!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!!??!?
#twisted wonderland#twst#twst spoilers#twisted wonderland spoilers#twst jp spoilers#excuse me while i scream in the tags ahem-#LET'S GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#CATER DIAMOND MY BOY I KNEW IT WOULD BE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!#CHAT WHATS GOING ON WHY IS HE GIVING KING VIBES BOY WHAT IS THIS DREAM OF YOURS?!#THAT SKATEBOARD IN THE BACK IS THE CLOSEST THING TO SKATER BOI CATER CARD IM GETTING AND ILL TAKE IT#SOMEONE SHOW ME THIS BOYS SUBCONSCIOUS NOW!#i cant wait to finally see what the heck is going on in caters mind#is it the cangst?#*grabs by the shoulders* IS IT THE CANGST?#the cangst is real#im literally so excited i had no idea Heartslabyul was dropping so soon i thought it would be in a month or two#but you dont see me complaining!#december release? merry christmas to me!#ok im chill im chill#cay cay you look so slay slay#good for him#this is Cater's time to shine!#begging the order they wake up in to be 1 2 3 4 so trey may bear witness to whatever plot comes of this#so badly want to know why my guy is giving King/Jack of Hearts vibes#share your lore with me Cater i dont bite i just want to put you under a microscope#shoot- hes going to take over my brain space again hes too fascinating a character#hi nice to meet you I'm totally normal about this silly lil guy
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i am so tired of female characters being inherently written as ‘terrifying’ or ‘scary’ w no respect to their characterisation.
for one, it feels so fake. i know so many women irl (i am one!!!) and there are very few, of any, that i would categorise as ‘scary as is’. heck, even if we go by tempers—the numbers just don’t match.
but somehow in fics, every single woman is a terrifying force of nature bc that’s…somehow…the only way we can think of women? idk?
and also just, it’s such a two dimensional characterisation that i only see w the female characters. all men aren’t angry and hex-happy and scary all the time. they’re affable, chill, respond to situations thoughtfully instead of always resorting to violence.
i think it also bothers me bc the anger thing flows neatly into the v gendered carefree man child/stuck up fun sponge stereotypes that so many relationships are forced into. it’s just an icky dynamic all around.
and lastly,,,i don’t think it’s even normal for a character to be latently terrifying everyone all the time??? unless it’s a specific quirk of theirs??? like women aren’t dementors bro chill tf out
#i just get. so frustrated by how women are written#and ofc this isn’t just limited to fics#all books have these gendered tropes#and i get so annoyed#the whole thing anger also#is it just feels so disingenuous#bc womanhood & anger (and performing/displaying it) is so complicated bc of socialisation n patriarchy#women are simultaneously not allowed to be angry and portrayed as screechy harpies#and so when characters are written like that it just seems to reinforce these ideas#clearly it bothers me a lot haha#u just can’t escape it ykno? that’s my issue#it makes it’s way into writing on such a subconscious level#and people think they’re writing a strong female character#when really they’ve just introduced someone with anger issues#like. it’s NOT normal to always be scared of someone and their reactions ok?#and it’s not okay for women to always be parenting the people (men) around them#constantly checking to see if something is dangerous or if they’re fucking up or do all the responsible things like#how can u not see ur reproducing gendered notions of personality 😭😭#like plssss#and it’s fiction!!!#we are writing about magic and fantasy#but it’s hard for us to conceive of an alternative perception of womanhood? be so fr bruh#like. i guess what i’m getting at. is that women are also just. People. ykno? we can write them normally#just look at the woman around u for one and you’ll get so many ideas 😭#even if we just take anger#9 times out of 10 a fem character will be screaming and hexing and throwing her weight around#but you can be angry in so so many ways#and u can even be someone who doesn’t GET angry. not in such a way. who can’t hold a grudge.#just. i really wish we diversified the way we wrote women. s’all.#pen’s yapping
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casa jay has been near rock bottom for a few reasons, but i’ll cut to the chase on one of them: i have 3 eggs and 2 slices of bread to live on til i get paid on the 1st. can anybody help out with grocery money?
v*nmo/c*shapp: multi21champ
p*ypal: multi21jay
#you receive: my undying gratitude in the form of pure lovely vibes sent directly to your location#had a nap dream about negotiating with my sister for some fruit juice. love when my subconscious screams at me#help a disabled bisexual avoid scurvy today!#jay yells#aaaaand post#yeeting this up while there’s still enough time to get out to aldi
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nothing more satisfying than figuring out what that split second of a song reminds you of
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I had a dream that someone made a custom Alan Wake Lego set, and in the dream I sat through a 4 hour step-by-step guide to build it. I'VE NEVER EVEN CONSUMED ANY ALAN WAKE MEDIA!!! curse you /j
that brings me so much joy to hear which is much needed cause this day has just been chaos for me lol, i’m honored to have influenced your subconscious 😂😂😂
#wish my subconscious would be nice to me like that!!!#lol no work involved in last nights dream but it was straight up horror#and don’t get me wrong i love horror and it’s like. my favorite genre but#i don’t like running and screaming in my dreams 🤣#it’s all i’ve been doing the past three nights#and on some level i did enjoy the dream i had just aesthetically
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👀Sam be staring👀











And I be lookin' (respectively... sometimes.)
#his face is a permanent state of “I'm judging the shit out of you.” and it just fucking works for him#side note: I wonder how many variations of black t-shirts he owns? I'm not complaining. They look phenomenal with his right arm tat sleeve.#you know what this post made me realize? I've always associated Sam's stare to a snake (and find it attractive)...#because I guess subconsciously it resembles the serpent like stare of the viper himself Randy Orton...#and boy oh boy was I a BIG RKO girly back in the day#like they're both quiet with a menacing look that screams “I'm going to devour you & you're gonna like it.” & I'd say “how do you want me?”#anyways back to Sam: the man is fine as fuck. Thank you for coming to my TEDTalk#Sam Rivers#Limp Bizkit#nu-metal#SAM. I. AM.#Sammy Boy#Bass Boss#Catch me simpin' for Samuel on Sam Rivers Sunday#down the rabbit hole
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oh gods this is the funniest thing I've ever done and I didn't do it on purpose. I've actually put a literal "[arnold rimmer voice] twelve minutes...and that includes the time it took to eat the pizza" scene in this fic
#fic tag#screaming and crying and shaking why is my subconscious so funny why did she do this to me#well in this case the twelve minutes only includes the pizza eaten during the sex and not the additional pizza eaten postcoitally. but still#yeah they're both touchstarved and having their kinks fulfilled in new ways and neither of them lasts very long lmao. good for them#like the actual sex is incredibly unimpressive if you look at it objectively. luckily i am Not looking at it objectively
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I had a dream that I went to an auction and I got a kaveh lion plush and it literally made my day and when I woke up I was devastated
#like in the dream i was so happy and ppl kept saying how happy i looked...#my inner subconscious trying to tell me somethimg huh?#the dream was really weird tho. we had these like cards with stars on em an however many you filled in is how many lives you would get#it went up to like a hundred i think#and the auctioneer would fill them in for you based on how nice you were or something#very strange dream but oh well#kaveh#genshin kaveh#bones screams into the void
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2 in the morning, trying to not fuck up putting on nail polish and i just remembered nat scatorccio is dead in the dirt actually not coming back going cold in the earth permanently eternally fucking DEAD. what the fuck.
#genuinely considering breaking out the eyeshadow and the eyeliner just to beat my face and take it all off so i don''t have to think about#this. haaaahahahahahaha like wow. hm#this thought doesn't hit me until it does god i swear if s3 opens with nat's funeral. god#dont ask me what i'm doing up at 2 in the morning putting on nail polish shhhhh thats not the point here shh#how do i talk about this with a therapist in a totally casual way that doesnt scream i have no social life and#get so fixated on fiction i let it seep into my subconscious. oh well#my text#delete later maybe possibly who knows how i'll feel about this in the actual morning#yellowjackets
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damn. My brain can’t decide if I call myself SK Sikada or Kada
#Subconsciously I’ll go SK at times (thanks mooties for that. Yall made that my official name /J)#But other times I’ve been saying Kada and I’m REALLY STARTING TO LIKRNTHAT NICKNAME AUAGEHHEND#screams#S.K thinks#Again this is me saying it would be appreciated if more people used Kada cuz only one person uses it and that’s irl so I haven’t seen her#So I have no clue how I rlly feel about it AUGSBRJFJR
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#every fiber of my body just wants to scream#i’m so out of tune with my emotions that i won’t even let the panic reach me#3 years ago i used to be so incredibly overwhelmed by my emotions that i was not able to control them#rather they took a hold on me#and now i’m so out of tune with them that i can’t let things phase me#and i’m not doing it on purpose i seem to have no control once again but now on the contrary side#my subconscious remembers how extremely overwhelming my emotions used to be#that it’s protecting me by not letting them get close to me at all#it’s not that i don’t feel anything#i do#it’s just that as soon as i feel something#my brain automatically lowers it down that i’m not even able to name the emotion i’m feeling anymore#and it is so draining#so draining to the point i don’t actively feel it#i know it’s there but i’m unintentionally keeping myself out my own self?#funny how my black & white theme fits as that’s exactly considered as black & white thinking#i either feel too much or won’t let myself feel anything#i need to find the grey tone#but how#how do i find it?#and ngl if one of you guys actually read everything then please let me know in one way or another lol
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what the fuck what the fuck what the FUUUUUCCCCCKKKKK
What are dead man walking tornadoes? :O
it’s a multi-vortex tornado. i dont remember the tribe it originates from (i think it was cherokee), but there’s a native american legend���? saying? that goes “if you see a man in a tornado, you are about to die.”
the most infamous shot of a dead man walking tornado hit jarrell, texas in 1997

it did so much damage to the town it caused the scale that tornados are measured by, the fijita scale, undergo revisions, and it made anchoring buildings in the tornado alley region pretty much mandatory. (it took the entire town off the map. only those who had taken shelter outside of the town or in underground bunkers survived.)
two more examples of dead man walking tornadoes looking like a person are a tornado from 2011 that hit cullman, alabama

and a tornado from 1975 that hit xenia, ohio

#this may seem an over the top reaction if you do not know -- and I don't think I've told anyone this specific detail before actually#not out of secrecy or anything just it didn't seem like something that added much to the story when I've told said story more broadly#I used to have chronic nightmares about tornadoes#I knew almost nothing about tornadoes! I didn't seek out info about them! I knew basic tornado safety that's it#and like. The stereotypical images of funnel clouds. Wizard of Oz.#but my kiddie brain generated LITERALLY ALMOST EXACTLY THAT FIRST GIF as the most terrifying of those nightmares#like I'd have ones where I'd hear the funnel but see nothing and then my house would be smashed to rubble#I'd have ones where I'd see a stereotypical funnel too and all of those were scary#but the ones that would actually wake me up screaming were the ones where the tornado had legs and was stomping toward me#and I'M CERTAIN I HAVE NEVER ACTUALLY HEARD OF THIS PHENOMENON EXISTING IN REAL LIFE BEFORE#I thought my kiddie subconscious completely made it up!#mashing up tornadoes with giants as 'scary things that can kill you' or something#'what's scarier than a tornado? oooh I know! A tornado with LEGS!' like that sounds fucking ridiculous right??#anyway I've told people I used to have nightmares of tornados but not the 'it has legs sometimes and that's the scariest one' part#that sounded dumb to me so I never really brought it up bc at this point I've spent like thirty years thinking it was random brain junk#so I reiterate: what the fuck what the fuCK WHAT THE FUUUUCCCKKK#anyway that's your Obscure Redshift Lore for today
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NO NO NO YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND THE HORRORS ARE RESERVED FOR THE NIGHT SHIFT EMPLOYEE JUST BECAUSE IM CLOCKING OUT LATER THAN USUAL DOESN’T MEAN YOU CAN JUST-
#on posts that make no sense if you aren’t living in my brain#let me allow you a peek into my twisted mind or whatever that satire meme was#you see i have this system#where i have become a master of repressing my emotions and just generally everything that’s going wrong in my life#i consume media and i dont let thoughts slip into my concious brain its all just heaped up in my subconscious#and only occasionally leaks out during the day in the form of physical symptoms#dream/subconcious me is who handles the horrors#respects to that creature#its why i often sleep talk(more like sleep scream and cry) and recently started sleep walking too#buddy is going THROUGH it#well anyways#its not my problem#its theirs#:3#also this strangely fit#fnaf#so#jeremy fritzgerald#anyone?#or whoever the fucking#bite victim#was#that wasnt the child btw#Asher’s Ramblings
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eek!
#personal#you see intellectually i know its bad and only getting worse#and if i just started actually taking care of myself it would at least feel better even if it wouldnt actually be better#but this subconscious obsession with torturing myself is just too powerful#and all i want to do is scream out my window and grab people and shake them and make them hear me when i say that i am not okay#and finally actually be seen and heard#but any time i actually get close to that its terrifying and i pull away#coping? by sitting in my apartment alone running away from reality#its interesting how you fall into old patterns when it starts to get bad#because all ive ever been is alone#maybe for a while there i wasnt but that was a lie anyway#this is my natural state of being#so then i pose the question: if this is what ive always been then why is it so hard to be#shouldnt it be easy by this point? im 22 years old#or am i just approaching the breaking point? is this an existence meant to last?#maybe people like me just cant make it
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