#my school fucking said they were a ''mental health safe zone'' because they put up posters all over the school with the suicide prevention

[kerosene-saint]

I fucking hate how much the mental health system is failing so many people and how much it has failed me. I hate that so many people are just stuck suffering and just have to some how deal with it.

[stop-breaking-my-heart-telltale]

TWDG: The Final Season | Character Discussion | 2/2

Part 1 | Part 2

[Brody and the basement scene]

“I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. You're gonna be okay, I promise. Goddamn it, help! Why did you say that, Brody? I...I told you not to say it. Please be okay...”

Okay... here’s where the glass shatters, Marlon becomes the episode’s antagonist, and I wish there was an option to just stay in bed.

Up to this point, Marlon’s been sincerely kind, stubborn, sometimes a little agitated, but overall? A decent guy. There are flaws with his leadership and not everyone likes him, but that comes with the territory, yeah? 

He wants to keep Ericson safe, he saved Clementine and AJ’s lives, he loves Rosie, he’s Louis’ best friend- what reason do I have not to trust him?

I was rooting for you, Marlon. The first time I played, I was team Marlon.... until we got back to the school after the incident with Abel at the train station. 

Brody’s freaking out, and Marlon comes over... and the unsettling feelings starting creeping up when he grabs Brody’s arm and she shoves him down. 

The first time I played, I had the gut feeling that she wasn’t overreacting like Marlon claimed she was and this is when I started to actually doubt him. I was still rooting for him, like maybe it’s just a misunderstanding and the game wants me to question Marlon, but he’s not the real issue. Y’know... a fake out.

Then I heard his voice in the pipes and... oh boy. 

Marlon, my guy, you hurt me. 

But not as bad as you hurt Brody.

Okay, let’s do this- Marlon and Brody. Start from the beginning with their relationship and how we got to the basement scene. 

One thing you’ll notice back when I was talking about Aasim is how quick Brody is to snap “Be nice, Aasim” after he gets agitated with Marlon. Then, we see the two of them sitting together on the steps during the “HELP AJ MAKE FRIENDS” segment. There’s no conversation you can overhear or anything, but you get the impression that Brody is supportive of Marlon. 

I mean... why else would she be so quick to tell Aasim to be nice... right?

Except no, we already know that these two are so close because of what happened with the twins. But if you don’t know that, then obviously this seems like nothing. 

Though interesting to point out that people assumed Marlon and Brody were a thing based on this little tidbit, an idea that a lot of people theorize about. Hell, I believe even Kent said they might’ve had something going, albeit something unhealthy. There isn’t any evidence of a previous romantic relationship in the game, just a speculation amongst players that can add some even darker tones to their problematic relationship.

So, Brody and Marlon chat before dinner, AJ comes over and apologizes, Marlon is once again super chill and sweet to AJ and it’s great. I love the way he handles AJ.

Marlon and Brody even have a little moment where they look at each other, silent conversation and all, before he accepts the apology. Hmm. 

We don’t get to chat with Brody again until after the office scene if you choose to go fishing, and here’s where I start theorizing about Brody’s true reasons for wanting to go on a road trip.

Obviously, the whole Brody and Violet thing is what’s at focus for this scene- do you help Violet forgive Brody or not, but the whole time outside of that, Brody is very focused on another idea- taking a road trip. 

“I've lived here my entire life. Heck, I'd say I know every inch of these woods. I'd kind of like to un-know it. “

And while you can easily look at this as “Oh, Brody’s just a dreamer, she wants to go on a road trip with all her friends and explore somewhere new. So what?” allow me to put on my tinfoil hat and look too much into it. 

Brody wants to escape Marlon, the situation they got themselves into, and leave the guilt behind. Hop in a truck, leave Ericson and the place she and Marlon traded away their friends at, leave Marlon behind, and start somewhere new where she can pretend everything’s okay. Escape the anxiety and trauma.  

Just to clarify, I don’t think Brody would just up and abandon everyone to go on a road trip or anything, this is just something she fantasized and talks about wistfully. Which is fair- if it’s the apocalypse, I’m going to have fantasies like that to escape and help maintain my sanity, too. It’s a way of coping. 

The reason I say she wants to get away from Marlon is that he appears to be the driving force behind her being quiet. Though I do think we tend to gloss over the fact that Brody was indeed there and she could’ve come clean about the twins prior to Clementine and AJ’s arrival due to her murder. 

Sure, I don’t doubt Marlon told her to be quiet, that he’d figure something out... but when his decision was to keep it a secret and move on with their lives, Brody agreed. We don’t know what it took for her to agree, though. That’s the thing.

Maybe Marlon convinced her, maybe he threatened her, and maybe she agreed all by herself. 

We don’t know. She never got to tell us. 

But going off of what I’ve seen of Brody and her behavior towards Marlon in Done Running, I’m more inclined to believe that she was willing to agree because, just like Marlon, she had that guilt weighing on her shoulders. She couldn’t stop what happened, and she had no choice but to go along with it. 

She was there with Marlon when the twins were taken away. She was the one who broke the news to Violet and that had to be so damn hard all by itself, y’know... having to lie to her face about it. She helped Tenn, the twins’ little brother, take down Sophie’s paintings and clean out their dorm. 

She and Marlon stood side by side, kept quiet and watched everyone mourn the deaths of Sophie and Minerva, all while knowing what really happened. Neither of them came clean for their own reasons. 

That kind of shit will destroy your insides and drive you mad, which is what we see down in the basement. These are two broken partners in crime who are seconds away from snapping. They’re stuck, they’re overwhelmed, they can’t agree on anything, they’re arguing and getting physically upset with one another. They’ve turned into worse versions of themselves because of this. 

Marlon is no longer the chill, kind, genuine guy I praised in the beginning of this, and Brody isn’t the sweet, friendly dreamer who wanted to take a road trip with her friends. 

Marlon is angry, scared, and lashing out. Brody is an anxious mess.

And they kind of hate each other.

It’s horrible. It breaks my heart. 

And thinking about what happened the day they got themselves into this disaster... maybe Brody did protest in the beginning before Marlon convinced her that the best thing to do was be quiet and move on, that maybe they’ll never come back and this was the only thing they could do for the best interest of the group, and she agreed. 

Maybe she went into a full blown panic attack that Marlon helped her work through all while dealing with his own emotions and that, in a twisted way, brought them closer. 

We don’t know. 

But you’d think that if she so easily spilled everything to Clementine, that she would’ve eventually broke down and told everyone else, too... yeah? That Marlon would’ve pushed her far enough that she slipped. 

To that you can argue that it was the fact that Abel and his people were back that set her off, seeing that it was happening all over again and she refused to go through that. Then, when Marlon says he has a plan, that they’ll use Clementine and AJ, that was the final nail in the coffin that sets her mind to confessing. Clementine just happened to come down and Brody took the opportunity. 

The thing is... Brody had to be feeling to same way Marlon was- ashamed, guilty, heartbroken, traumatized, terrified, and so many overwhelming emotions. I think she knew what would happen if they came clean and that scared her.

She wanted to be friends with Violet again, the way they used to be- “We all used to be friends. Guess I just kinda miss that.“ and if Violet’s distanced not knowing the truth now? Imagine what she would’ve been like if Brody came clean. 

Same goes for the rest of the crew. 

Marlon gets a lot of the blame for what happened, which is totally fair and justified, but like I said, we gloss over that Brody was there as well. I just wish we had more context as to how they handled it at the beginning as that would give such a great insight to Marlon and his growth [or decline] over the year prior to TFS. 

And y’know... I think it was a blessing and a curse to have someone in on the secret. He has someone to talk about it to so he doesn’t feel as alone... but that comes with the constant worry of “what is she confesses?” and that’s where I think Marlon turned to intimidation out of his own fears and insecurities, which put a huge strain on his and Brody’s relationship, as well as their mental health.

It doesn’t help that it seems Brody has issues with anxiety and panic attacks going off what we saw in Done Running. 

Moving on to the beginning of the red flags with Marlon... let’s look at their conversations after Clementine and crew get back after the deal with the train station. 

Right as we enter, we hear them in the middle of this-

Brody: “You are not listening to me. Marlon, listen to me- I'm telling you, the place was ransacked!”

Marlon: “It's fine. We'll deal with it.”

Who knows how long this conversation has gone on... and once again, Marlon isn’t listening. Hell, Brody is flat out saying he’s not listening. If this wasn’t alarming enough, Brody goes off on Clementine upon learning Abel’s fate and Marlon rushes in... probably to make sure she doesn’t say anything he doesn’t want her to. 

Brody: “I just can't... I won't... just not again... fuck!”

Marlon: “What the hell's going on here?”

Brody: “She took them outside the safe zone... They saw someone! You know what that means-!”

Marlon: “Enough! It just means there's a hungry guy out there looking for food. It's happened before. You are overreacting.”

Brody: “You can't be serious!”

[Marlon grabs her arm]

Marlon: “Come on, let's go somewhere and talk about this.”

So... yikes. 

It’s that arm grab, man. That set off some alarm bells. It happens super quick before it cuts back and Brody shoves him so hard, he falls to the ground. Which takes a lot of force. Then Brody turns the blame on Clementine, which is interesting. 

None of that is great. But Marlon gets up and you can feel how exasperated and stressed he is that Brody made that scene and that Clementine took Louis and Violet outside the safe zone. He’s just learned that Abel is back, Brody is cracking, and it’s the calm before the storm.

It’s worth noting that even though he’s clearly upset, he’s still holding onto to this “I’m the leader, I know I asked you for help and you did, it’s fine, we’ll be eating for a while. It’s fine. I’ll go talk to Brody, go eat. Everything is fine.” 

Giving off the appearance that everything’s okay. Nothing wrong, Brody’s just paranoid. It’s fine. 

And if you’re like me, you said, “Hmmmmm... I have bad feelings.”

Though, I’d like to add that I also like that he admits that he always worries if Clementine tells him he doesn’t have to. A bit of vulnerability slipping through. So that’s it, right? He’s just worried. 

Well... that’s not wrong, but... 

Also, Marlon tells Brody she’s overreacting quite a bit and I bet that’s something he’s said to her plenty in the past. It’s just.. ugh. 

Okay, time for the fun part. 

As we all know, Clementine and AJ are woken up by voices in the pipes. They belong to Marlon and Brody as they’re having an argument down in the basement. 

What’s really sad is that they’re the only ones who seemingly notice. Clementine’s the only one who bothered to get out of bed and see what the hell was going on. Which makes me think that this isn’t the first time they’ve fought like this, so the rest of the Ericson crew just ignore it.

Which is pretty fucked up. You’d think that someone would hear it and go down there to at least tell them to knock it off. 

You could argue that maybe only Clementine and AJ could hear it because they’re closer to the basement door, which is fair. But there are other rooms in that hallway that are close enough, so unless those rooms are all empty... someone else had to of heard something. 

Hell, they all hear Marlon and AJ yelling at each other in a thunderstorm outside... why not hear this? 

In order for me to go over the entire basement conversation, we all gotta be up to speed. The conversation is below but if you want to hear the voice acting, you can watch this video here.

Marlon: “Why can't you just do what I ask you to do?”

Brody: “Because we caused all this, and now we have to deal with it!”

Marlon: “I am dealing with it!”

Brody: “By tradin' more of us away? That's not fixin' the problem, that's runnin' away from it! ...Let me go!”

Marlon: “Hey, calm down.”

Brody: “Don't tell me to calm down! You can't do this! You can't just-ahh!... Please...please! If we just tell everyone what's goin' on, maybe we can-”

Marlon: “I said shut up!”

[it’s implied Marlon does something here... grabs her, pushes her, hits her... there are no other sounds in the video but it’s not good. You can hear it in both their voices and “I said shut up!” is exactly what he says before he hits her with the flashlight later soo...]

Marlon: “Shit, shit. Brody, are you okay?”

Brody: “Fuck you. ...There's got to be some other way.”

Marlon: “There is no other way. Goddamn it, so few of us left... What else would you have me do?”

Brody: “Something! There's got to be something.”

Marlon: “No, no, no, there's nothing. Nothing, Brody!”

Brody: “That can't be true!”

Marlon: “You know, maybe...maybe it doesn't matter. It probably doesn't matter at all. It's just a couple of cigarettes. I mean... Just one fucking guy! This is an insurance policy.”

[insurance policy = Clementine and AJ. Nice, Marlon. Also his denial and inability to listen is super prominent here.]

Brody: “An insurance policy? These are fucking people, Marlon!”

Marlon: “I know that! Fuck, I know that. ...You are overreacting. I'm telling you!”

Brody: “What if I'm not?”

Marlon: “No, you are. So knock it the fuck off, Brody.”

Brody: “You knock it the fuck off! You are unbelievable! You fucking coward!”

Marlon: “Hey, HEY! We are in this together. You will not put this all on me! ...Damn it, Brody! We don't even know for sure it was them!”

Brody: “You know he's not alone. Those bastards are back and it's only a matter of time before they find us. You know that!”

Marlon: “I don't know shit, and neither do you! Goddamn it, Brody, keep it together!”

Brody: ‘There you go again, getting so mad.”.

Marlon: “Well, what do you want me to do? You're making me mad!”

Brody: “Oh, we have to tell the others! About what you did!”

It’s not a fun conversation. At all. I hate it, even if the voice acting is terrific.

So here’s the thing about this conversation... Marlon is stuck. He’s refusing to see any other way of handling the raiders return because what else is there to do? Fight them off? We know that’s something Marlon doesn’t want to do for a number of reasons- he’d have to come clean, he’d have to develop a plan of attack, he’d risk everyone at the school- so in his mind, being quiet and keeping Clementine and AJ as “insurance” is the best course of action to keep the others safe. 

But then there’s Brody. She’s had enough and you can tell that it’s all become too much for her. She just wants to come clean and face the consequences, she wants Marlon to own up to what happened, and she’s willing to face his anger and call him out on it. It gets to the point where she starts to plead that they have to tell the others. 

The more and more she goes on, the angrier Marlon gets. All his shame, grief, stress, and anger have became a dangerous cocktail that causes him to lash out. 

And he fucking does. That part where he tells her to shut up then there’s this dead pause? Then his voice breaks as he apologizes and asks if she’s okay? Followed by Brody’s “fuck you.”? 

Their fight has become physical now. It’s not just them yelling at each other, and while I want to give Marlon the benefit of the doubt and say that maybe he grabbed her like he did before which isn’t great either but fucking hell, that’s not what it sounds like. He hit or pushed her or something and... God damn it, Marlon. That’s inexcusable and it makes me question if he’s ever gotten physical with her before. Especially since Brody continues the conversation like it’s happened before....

God, I miss when Marlon was chill and sweet. Remember when he helped Clementine with Rosie? I do... Can we go back to that?

...Anyway, this whole conversation sucks and it gets worse. Marlon is a hair away from melt down and Brody is becoming desperate for him to listen to her. 

So when Clementine comes down, everything comes to a head.

And at first, you think think that maybe Clementine can calm the situation, defuse it. But then Marlon goes into defensive “everything’s fine” mode, telling Clementine there’s nothing to worry about and to go back to bed. 

Take note of his hard tone here, too. He’s doing that dominating tone, but elevated from when he used it before. He shines the light in Clementine’s face and says, “Brody and I were just talkin', go get some sleep. You deserve some shut-eye. You had a busy day.” In hopes that she’ll be intimidated and cooperate but... well, Clementine isn’t and doesn’t.

And Brody seizes the opportunity. 

Brody: “The man you met at the station. We got history.”

Marlon: “Brody... Don't listen to her, Clem, she's acting crazy. She gets this way sometimes, you just gotta tune it out.”

The desperation in Marlon’s voice here is just... ugh. Trying so hard to discredit Brody and take control back of the situation. 

That’s what it all comes back to, isn’t it? Marlon’s control. He knows Brody’s slipping and no matter what he does or says, he can’t regain his control over her and the situation. Clementine is threatening that and it’s spiking his anger. 

We all know what happens next. 

Brody: “Marlon let him take the twins. Him and his people.”

Marlon: “Damn it, Brody!”

Clementine: “Tenn's sisters? I thought they were killed by walkers.”

Brody: “That's the story we told everyone.’

Marlon: “Shut up.”

Brody: “'Cause Marlon was so ashamed of what-”

Marlon: “I said SHUT UP!”

Marlon loses control, hits Brody with his flashlight so hard that it kills her, and realization of how badly fucked up he’s become dawns on him.

Yeah, Marlon... Brody’s bleeding out on the floor because of you, because you were so desperate to keep control and hide your shame from everyone, and this is what it manifested into. 

Yet, he tries to rationalize it like it’s not his fault. He’s in denial. He told her not to say it, and she did. But it’s okay, she’s going to be okay.

Which is fucked, but at this point, Marlon’s in a full blown panic - “Oh, shit, Brody. I'm sorry! I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. You're gonna be okay, I promise. Goddamn it, help! Why did you say that, Brody? I...I told you not to say it. Please be okay.” He’s all over the place and doesn’t know what to do. 

And it gets worse. 

Because Marlon’s in such a panic, brain scattered with a shit ton of horrifying thoughts- “What do I tell everyone? Brody’s dead and I killed her. How will everyone look at me? I betrayed them. I betrayed all of them. The raiders are coming back. Clementine knows the truth. What do I do? I can’t let them know. I can’t tell the truth because they will see me for what I really am.”  -when he hears Brody tell Clementine everything, he once again does something shitty to save himself. He runs and locks Clementine in the basement, knowing that Brody’s going to turn. 

Clementine: “Marlon, you son of a bitch, don't do this!”

Marlon: “I'm sorry... I can't...I can't let you talk to the others.”

So... what does this entire scene tell us about Marlon?

Well, first off, I shouldn’t trust someone just because they love dogs. That’s on me. 

This is where Marlon goes from friend to foe and it’s a lot to take in. This scene is the reason people question Marlon’s real motivations, question whether or not he was ever good if he had it in him to murder Brody in order to keep her quiet.

But that’s the thing, when you watch this scene, you can tell that Marlon didn’t mean to kill her. In a fit of anger, he didn’t know his own strength and lashed out and she died because of it. He should still be held accountable for it, even if it was an accident. But because he’s holding on to whatever he can, he refuses to take accountability, choosing to then leave Clementine for death and pin everything on her. 

He has no plan after that, he just knows that he has to regain control over everything or else he’s done. He doesn’t have time to mourn Brody or come to terms with what he had done because he’s moving so fast to “fix” everything, y’know? 

What Marlon did down here was inexcusable. I can do my best to explain what lead Marlon to this point and why he did what he did, but that doesn’t justify anything. 

Now... before I move on to talk about the confrontation scene, there is one more important character in Marlon’s life to cover.

[Louis and a broken friendship]

“I hope you know Louis didn't mean any harm there. He's just the world's biggest dumbass. He's my best friend, so I can legally call him that.”

Where to even begin? 

From the beginning, I guess. 

Louis and Marlon have known each other for years, back before the walkers came and the world ended. We know this because of the photo in Marlon’s office and how everyone tells us that they’re best friends. 

And it’s funny that they’re such best friends but the game doesn’t care much to show us that, or even go into details about their relationship. Which, in my opinion, was a bit of a failure on the writers part. I know you probably didn’t have time and all the usual reasons, but you’d think that this relationship would be important enough to cover just a tad bit more considering that Louis is a potential love interest and Marlon’s the antagonist. 

Y’know?

The only times Marlon and Louis actually interact with one another for more than two seconds is during the card game and during the confrontation, and even that is slim if you choose to appeal to Violet. 

But like, no guys, they’re super best friends. Trust us, we told you, like, twice. 

I hate to get into the Louis vs Violet thing since this is about Marlon, but let me explain why this bothers me. 

They didn’t have any issues letting Violet spill her guts about her past with the twins, specifically Minerva. Now, the twins are considered dead at this point, so it’s not like they could show them interacting, so they get a pass for the show rather than telling. Except they do show that Violet and Minerva were girlfriends when you go fishing and look at the initials on the wall. 

I’m not saying that this isn’t important. It is. I explained why it’s important to Marlon’s character previously, too. 

But this is when we run into a problem with what they decided to do with Louis- Louis doesn’t tell us jack shit about his relationship with Marlon in Done Running prior to appealing to him during the confrontation. All I ask is why not? 

Look, to be frank, the picture is nice and all, but it’s not enough. Marlon saying “Oh yeah, muh best friend,” once isn’t enough. You barely scraped by with what you gave us. 

Louis doesn’t tell us anything about his past, at least nothing important to the plot. When Aasim makes a comment about him being Marlon’s lap dog, Louis brushes it off with a joke, and never mentions Marlon again. The only time Louis actually lets us in is if you take care of the walker with him and he explains his way of thinking before realizing he let his guard down and puts the mask back on. 

Louis isn’t willing to share anything about his friendship with Marlon but Violet’s over here super willing to open up about the twins and Brody? That’s hilarious because you’d think it’d be the other way around. 

You’d think that they’d have Louis saying something about Marlon to show us that he has a blind faith in Marlon or trusts him to a fault. He can see that Aasim doesn’t get along with Marlon and questions his leadership, so why not have him say something in defense of Marlon? 

And perhaps it’s on purpose. Maybe Louis’ trust in Marlon is so great that he doesn’t feel the need to defend him because he knows how Aasim gets. They have plenty of other stuff to argue about, why add another thing? Fine, that makes sense... but why not have him say something to Clementine? Hell, have Clementine ask him about Marlon and the safe zone and what he thinks about it?

Like when Clementine’s all “Hey, let’s go to the train station.”

Louis just stands there like “’kay,” without any indication of “Yeah Marlon wouldn’t like that.”

...Maybe he doesn’t care? Who knows. 

I’m just saying, they would’ve benefited from adding a conversation with Louis about Marlon so that we could get his perspective of their relationship BEFORE the confrontation rather than waiting until ep2 for him to give us some details. 

But, like, it’s fine... I’ll just work with what I got. 

There isn’t too much to say about them during the card game. They’re chill, they’re buddies. Louis does this cute whistle that Marlon bobs his head to and that’s pretty neat. 

After Louis asks Clementine if she ever had to kill someone she loved and the game ends, Marlon goes to make sure Clementine’s okay and let her know that Louis didn’t mean to hurt her feelings, he’s just a dumbass.

But it’s fine, they’re best friends so he can legally call him that. This is the first time we see Marlon say something like that about Louis, the second time being in the office. He’ll admit that he hopes Louis will actually show up to go hunting, which says a lot about the amount of faith he puts into Louis. 

Which is interesting to think about how one-sided their friendship can seem when you start putting pieces together. Louis has complete faith in Marlon but Marlon doesn’t return that faith due to the fact that he knows Louis runs on his own time, y’know? Louis appears to be honest while Marlon is dishonest.

Knowing how Marlon is and his need for control, you’d think that he’d be more stern with Louis. He’s like that with everyone else... until you remember that Marlon has a soft spot for Louis. One that allows him to take control in a different way. 

I can’t help but feel Marlon had this sense of entitlement to Louis as his best friend. Marlon’s been Louis’ friend the longest, Marlon is the only one who can call Louis an idiot, Marlon gives Louis special treatment in many ways that others notice, Marlon knows Louis better than anyone else does. Marlon loves Louis like he’s his own blood. 

And if you know anything about Louis and his character, you know a big part of his arc is confidence and self-esteem. I mean, real self-esteem, not the persona he puts on. Looking back at everything we’ve covered, it’s not out of the question to think that Marlon could’ve used that part of Louis to his advantage. He’s Louis’ best friend, Louis can trust him because Marlon’s always had his back, always appeared to see beyond the jokes and piano because they’ve know each other longest. They’re practically brothers. 

Having that control over Louis is important to Marlon, and while that seems like a slimy way to put it, it’s true. I don’t think Marlon ever saw Louis as a pawn or anything- I believe Marlon genuinely cared about and loved Louis- but when it came to the twins, he didn’t confide him. Marlon didn’t want to lose the closest connection he had, the one person who couldn’t see him for who he turned into, and he didn’t want Louis to tell everyone else. 

There ya go- yet another layer of guilt and shame for Marlon. 

Not only that, but Marlon didn’t have much confidence in him, found him irresponsible. He had to deal with the fact that he still loved Louis while acknowledging that he’s not reliable. 

That brings us to when Clementine appeals to Louis. 

Here’s where Marlon becomes a cocky bastard. 

Clementine: “Louis, don't let him do this!”

Louis: “Oh, no. I am not involved.”

Clementine: “What?”

Louis: “I like you, Clem, but I...”

[Louis looks to Marlon, who gives him an intimidating look back that shuts Louis down. There’s the control.]

Louis: “Not me. I'm sorry. You're, uh, on your own. Sorry.”

And Marlon’s face...? He’s so smug I could slap him. He looks at Clementine like “Oh, you thought Louis was gonna help you, huh? HA! My best friend, dingus.”

What’s funny is that in all my searching through reddit and youtube and what have you, a lot of people complain that Louis is “harder” to get to side with you. Which, technically, no he’s not. Both he and Violet require you to pick two dialogue choices before they help. Louis only appears harder because Marlon intimidates him into being quiet and that makes it seem like he won’t help you. 

Though, to be fair, he does attempt to step in after Clementine pleads with him the first time.

“Shit. Marlon, come on, man. Drop the gun.”

And Marlon really doesn’t like that. 

He snaps out Louis’ name and you see Louis visibly flinch at this. Either this is the first time Marlon’s risen his voice at him like this or it’s not, it’s hard to tell. 

“She. Killed. Brody! We can't let her walk away.” 

Funny how he says we there...

You can feel how conflicted Louis is here, just like how you can feel Marlon’s control and manipulation at play. Louis wants to believe Marlon, but he’s out here with blood all over his face and waving a gun around. He’s about to shoot Clementine, and that will make him a murderer no matter how you look at it and Louis knows this. 

He’s looking at a version of his best friend that he doesn’t recognize, but because he’s scared, it makes Louis backtrack and curl into himself. 

“Clem, I... I... I gotta trust Marlon. I just... I gotta. I always have.”

Here, you have two choices:

“He didn't trust you with the truth! He lied to you about the twins. He doesn't deserve your trust.”

Or

“Brody trusted him. And now she's dead. And he killed her!”

Personally, I prefer the first one, but both of these strike a nerve within Louis. He knows she’s right. 

Marlon yells at Clementine and gets ready to shoot her, which she accepts by the way she steps back and closes her eyes. 

Louis, with both hands up, slowly steps between them, free of Marlon’s control and trying to save both him and Clementine. 

Marlon, baffled that he’d ever do this, even moves the gun away as he stares at Louis in disbelief. 

Marlon: “You don't know what you're doing, man!”

Louis: “C'mon, dude, just drop the gun. This is how adults do things. Not us.”

Can I just say that Marlon must feel so fucking powerless seeing Louis step up to him like this? Like, with Violet he’s not surprised and not even remotely intimidated by her little meat cleaver, but with Louis? He is not okay. 

The others step forward and Marlon knows that he’s lost. Pointing a gun at his best friend? Knowing that if he so much as accidentally squeezed the trigger, Louis would be dead? Everyone has turned against him. 

Not great. 

You guys know me, you know that I much prefer appealing to Louis over Violet because of the power behind this and how much of an effect it has on Marlon. It’s perfectly executed. 

A couple more things to talk about regarding this scene. If you call Marlon pathetic, he says something interesting to Louis. 

Clementine: “You're pathetic.”

[Marlon drops his gun]

Marlon: “I know. Always was.”

Louis: “That isn't true.”

Marlon: “No, Louis, it is. You were just the only one who couldn't see it.”

When I say my heart hurts... muh heart hurts. Because this is what their friendship became, they both realize it, and Louis is devastated. 

On the flip side, if you say- 

Clementine: “We can still fix this, Marlon. It's going to be okay. We can make this right.”

Louis: “We'll help you. We're all family here. The only one any of us has left.”

Which shows that despite everything, Louis does have a little bit of faith left in Marlon and wants to help him, which Marlon feels he doesn’t deserve.

Then AJ shoots Marlon in the head.

And I really, really wish there was an option to just stay in bed to avoid all of this.

Okay.

Louis is a fucking mess after this. 

The writers finally said, “Hey, remember when Luke had absolutely no reaction to his best friend’s death in s2? What if we don’t do that this time?”

I don’t want to get too into this because this isn’t a Louis analysis, but let me quickly summarize the affect Marlon’s death had on Louis.

Anyone who was around when Suffer the Children came out remembers all the discourse about Louis. Lot of people pissed at him for being upset. Which fine, you’re allowed to be upset with him because he’s mad at Clementine and AJ, but let me remind you that he just witnessed his best friend of 8+ years being  murdered right before his eyes after no longer being a threat and he was powerless to do anything about it.

Marlon’s death hurt and traumatized Louis in so many ways and that’s something we see throughout the episode. Even though Marlon is dead, he continues to have an effect on Louis and everyone at Ericson because of what he did and how he died. 

And to clarify, Louis never hated Clementine and AJ for what happened. He just didn’t know what to do. He was overwhelmed, hurt, pissed, and never had time to mourn before raiders came knocking on their doors. He dealt with the fact that his best friend wasn’t who he thought he was and how Marlon hurt everyone at this school, that Marlon was a murderer. 

That’s a fucking lot. 

And it continues to hurt him through the rest of the season. 

Honestly, Louis says everything best:

“You sound like Marlon. I mean, not about fighting, but when he was trying to cheer us all up. For years, I sat around making stupid jokes, playing stupid games, while my best friend was left with all the responsibility. All the tough calls. All the sleepless nights. And eventually, a bullet in the head. And I didn't do a damn thing about it. And then, when you tried to tell us what he was really like, and AJ shot him, I blamed you. Both of you. If I could take it back, I would. I knew that the day you got back. I still do. ...He was my best friend. Almost like my brother, but the things he did? They were fucked up. I'll never be glad he died. But I understand why AJ thought it was the right thing to do.” 

[The final confrontation and Marlon’s murder]

“I know I betrayed you... all of you. Just let me leave. You'll never have to see me again. Just let me become...a bad memory. Just give me that. Please.”

The final confrontation is my favorite Marlon moment from a storytelling standpoint.

Just... everything about it. The thunderstorm, the voice acting, Marlon’s complete turn to antagonist and break down, Clementine appealing to Louis/Violet, Rosie barking in the background... it’s just great. It hurts but I love it. 

This is where we see Marlon’s manipulation at it’s peak. He knows he’s fucked, but is still so desperate to cling on that he throws everything he can at Clementine. He accuses her of murdering Brody, working with the raiders, takes low blows against everyone, especially Louis and Violet, and goes as far as to point a gun at Clementine with the intention of shooting her. 

Because that’ll fix everything... I guess? 

Marlon didn’t think this through. 

Anyway...

“We saved their lives when anyone else would've kept walking! We fed them, we kept them warm! And this is how they thank us?! Guns being pulled and murder! Well, FUCK! THEM!”

Marlon is broken, his last resort it to try and salvage himself, to win the group’s favor.

“Aw, come the fuck on! They only met up with these ‘raiders’ because Clem insisted they go out there. Quite the coincidence, isn't it? Shame I don't believe in those. Think about how scared we all were when the adults left. I pulled us out of that fear. I gave us all courage again. Who are y'all gonna believe, huh? Johnny-come-lately and her little fucking lunatic? Or me? Your friend?”

He’s pulling out the big guns, reminding everyone that he was the one who pulled them out of their fear and gave them courage, that he’s their friend who they’ve known and trusted for 8+ years while they just met Clementine two days ago.

Who are you going to believe?

As well all know, Clementine takes a risk and appeals to Louis or Violet. I already covered them so we’ll skip ahead to everyone turning on him. 

This is when Marlon realizes he’s losing and that anger bubbles up. 

“You don't get it. You- you don't understand at all, do you? I'm trying to protect you! All of you! Every fucking one of you!”

And he lashes out, pointing the gun at everyone now, and finally... the truth comes out. 

“...I made the right call. I saved the lives of everyone in this fucking school! If they came back... I'd do it again!”

...Yikes. 

Now, I’ve talked about this scene in previous parts, said most of what I wanted to say, but there is one thing I haven’t covered, and that’s Tenn. 

Tenn: “You told me they died!”

Marlon: “I had to save the rest of you, okay?”

Tenn: “You gave my sisters away. Why would you do something like that? I trusted you, Marlon! THEY trusted you! ....We all trusted you...”

Marlon: “I know... I know..”

Tenn was first introduced along side Marlon and you can tell that he cares about him and is protective. Not only that, but Tenn is comfortable enough to play in Marlon’s office, which is something I assume he does regularly. 

It makes me think that Marlon took Tenn under his wing, if you will, after the twins died. Perhaps as some way to try and make himself better, maybe to try and make it up to the twins by swearing to protect him. 

Tenn is what gets Marlon to take it down a bit, to explain that he didn’t want to hurt the twins, he just didn’t have any choice. He even admits to Tenn that he was too scared to develop a rescue plan. 

You can hear it in his voice when he looks to Tenn and speaks, and Tenn is the one who gets him to confess that he was the one who killed Brody, not Clementine. 

Marlon: “I wanted to get them. Stage some kind of rescue. Honest, Tenn. I just couldn't. I was...I was too afraid.”

Tenn: “You killed Brody because she knew?”

Marlon: “Mm-hmm... I didn't mean to. I didn't want this. I wanted to save all of you. Sophie, Minerva. I didn't want to hurt them.”

Which is huge. It wasn’t Clementine, it wasn’t Louis or Violet who got him to confess, it was Tenn. Hearing this boy on the verge of tears tell Marlon that they all trusted him, how could he do this to them... that got through to him. 

And I believe Tenn is the one who solidified that Marlon wanted to leave. He didn’t want to stay and see everyone look and treat him differently, see everyone hate him- He couldn’t face Louis, his best friend. He couldn’t face Violet, the girl he betrayed. He couldn’t face Clementine and AJ, couldn’t face everyone he tried to protect. 

And he couldn’t face Tenn. 

But you know what says a lot about Tenn? If you choose to remain silent after Marlon says he didn’t want to hurt them, he says:

“I forgive you.”

[?] Marlon won’t forget that. 

But even with that forgiveness? I don’t Marlon believes he deserves that, especially from Tenn. He grateful Tenn forgave him, but he still feels it’s best that he leaves.

“I know I betrayed you. All of you. Just let me leave. You'll never have to see me again. Just let me become...a bad memory. Just give me that. Please.” 

And we all know what happens next. 

So... this begs the question... after everything that Marlon did and didn’t do...

Did Marlon deserve his fate?

No.

Marlon didn’t deserve this. That’s the short answer. 

In my opinion, AJ was far from justified in what he did. 

This is a good time to compare Marlon and Lilly, since that comes up quite a bit. When Lilly surrenders at the end of Broken Toys, she does it to manipulate the situation in her favor and get the upper hand again. 

The second you show any sort of kindness towards Lilly, she takes advantage of you because she never saw the error in her ways. She believed every cruel thing she ever did was for a good cause and only ever feels remorse when she loses everyone. 

Marlon, on the other hand, genuinely surrendered. This was the first time he gave up his control and accepted what he had done, ready to face the consequences and be outcast from Ericson for his crimes. He dropped his weapon, he was no longer a threat. Marlon no longer had any malicious intent once everyone turned against him. 

And the biggest difference between Marlon and Lilly is that Marlon felt that shame since the beginning. He did bad things for the sake of Ericson, but not once did he take pride in what he did to the twins or Brody. He felt nothing but remorse.

Brody’s dead, Sophie and Minerva are gone, and he realizes what he’s become.

The tragedy of Marlon is that his fate was decided by a child who was unable to read the situation for what it was, who took it upon themselves to take Marlon’s life despite the fact that everything was over. Marlon never gets a redemption arc, and maybe he didn’t deserve one. It depends on how you feel.

But for me, he definitely didn’t deserve to be shot in the back of the head like that.  

[Final thoughts]

“...It's hard to survive too long these days without being a bit... ‘troubled.’”

Marlon is... complicated. 

That’s a good word. 

On one hand, he does have some genuine moments where he’s a chill dude looking out for his family and there’s a lot to like about him, but on the other hand... he did a lot of bad shit. 

If I had to pick a “problematic fav” within TFS, Marlon would be it. 

Like I mentioned previously, I wish we had more interactions with him and Louis, but we did get enough to get the point across. 

As for Marlon’s backstory and why he was sent to Ericson, it’s never stated and none of the creators have come forward with information. My theory? That’s a great question. 

Most are inclined to believe that he’s there due to anger and behavior problems, but for all we know, that stuff developed over time since I don’t know if someone like that would be put in a leader position. Or maybe it is and he forced himself in, I dunno. 

My guess is that it’s something we’d never expect. I don’t know if I have a theory because, well, I don’t exactly feel qualified to diagnose Marlon with something I haven’t done a shit ton of research on, y’know? 

Even after writing this and looking through everything... I couldn’t tell you. 

I find Marlon to be a compelling character that I wish stuck around longer. He’s an example of a kid who grew up too fast with the lives of his whole community on his shoulders. He was faced with a no-win situation and suffered with every decision made. His desire to control everything around him, to ground him, led to his downfall. 

In the end, Marlon expressed sincere guilt for what he did. Apologizing doesn’t magically make everything he did okay, far from it, but it was a step in the right direction. I wish he had the chance at some kind of redemption, but it’s The Walking Dead. Not everyone gets a redemption arc, most get theirs torn from their grasp. Marlon is one of those people. 

He had a lot of good qualities that were severely overshadowed by his final moments. I believe he genuinely cared about Ericson and believed he was doing all the right things to protect him. He took things too far, manipulating those closest to him and causing them more pain than he ever thought. 

All in all, an enjoyable, complex character. 

Want to see more of these long character discussion posts? Let me know! Feel free to send suggestions for characters you’d like me to cover in the future! Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed this Marlon character discussion/analysis/rant thing! Let me know your thoughts on Marlon!

[untitledtheunknown]

Not saying you have no reason to feel "bleh", sometimes the brain just insists, but there is so much character in the little snippets and commentary and photos you do. Even if they are similar to other people's (which is really hard not to do), they are so unique to themselves it's absolutely worth it.

Hopefully you're feeling better soon, and can find joy in creating and talking about your boys again ❤

Its late so I'm gonna kinda reply to this with what has been going on on my end and where this funk is coming from. Putting it under a read more to spare everyone, but first and foremost I do appreciate all of you beyond belief for reaching out and having such kind words to say. I know its just a me thing but sometimes it all does just get to me. With that being said, feel free to ignore the whole next bit.

I 100% understand and accept its never going to be completely possible to make completely original characters, especially given the restricted format we have for CP2077. I wish we had more power to craft our characters, more like Fallout 4's character creator (which despite the game's flaws I still go back to just to make characters lol). The problem is I see Valor in game and these screenshots of him and while I do like how he looks... its not him. Not completely. His scars are wrong, he doesn't have his tattoos, hair isn't right, he's missing the ports on his body, and overall things just aren't 100% with him. But despite all that, 3rd time around I think he looks pretty good. Again though am limited to what the game allows so a part of me does get a bit offed when I see other ppls Vs that look a bit too similar. I know its just me, I don't take it to heart, its just upsetting reminder I can't make him look how he's supposed to. Same with Umbra, he looks nothing like how he looks in our TTRPG and it really hurts because I spent a long time making him with our GM and I can't show that. Its not possible in game and my art doesn't do him any justice. So it gets frustrating because I look at some of these guys and they're not my characters, just similar figures to them, but not them.

Which is really hard especially when it comes to Val because long ago he was a self insert that I used to project how I wanted to look. I Have never done well with identifying as trans, I don't like to glamorize it or be recognized for it. I'm saving up for chest surgery but I'm fucking terrified of having the scars. I just don't want to be associated and recognized with it after my transition just because it's been really rough to go through in general. I haven't enjoyed this journey at all really, and really wish I didn't have to go through it. Valor in the RPG was my way of coping and going through stuff. Instead of gender though it was his association with cyberware and having parts of his body and "humanity" removed, replaced with machine and wires. I don't project onto him as much as I once did but he still will and forever hold pieces of that history because that's how I made him.

With all that, all I really do have is my words. Part of the problem with that is there's literally years worth of lore. I've been playing the same campaign with the same group of friends since my freshman year of college. So like 6/7 years now? There's a lot. The issue is these are people I'm really good friends with. This game has become a kind of safe zone for us. We're all a bunch of artist that mainly specialized in horror content. We were part of a movie club that mainly watched horror movies. We're the bitches that watched the Saw series during our free hour in the school library, like we are chill. That also just kinda means there's a lot of dark and twisted subject matter that ends up in our games. Characters having experienced some fucked up shit, witnessed some fucked up shit, and have done some fucked up shit. Feel kinda weird posting or sharing some of the more dark things in detail. So end up watering them down and they don't always feel right.

Top of all that, I just don't have the time to do things I wanna do. I feel so goddamn pressured at home and like I should be doing more. I honestly don't know how half these people have the time to learn and do the amount of mods and edits they do. I'm not gonna lie, I'm envious of it. I get 8-10 hours of being yelled at by customers, and then I may or may not have an hour long drive to take my brother to work or pick him up some days, and then whatever my parents have going on. I want to get back into art, I want to learn 3D modeling, I want to learn how to properly mod but I'm usually so stressed out or just exhausted nothing sticks so I don't even bother really. It sucks, because I want to learn, I want to do things, but I can't. I feel like because I have so little private and personal time now if I can't get things quick enough its not worth the effort. Its frustrating but again that's all on me.

And in other news, lotta people around me are dying or have had family die do to COVID and other things. Earlier this year a close friend of mine lost her dad to COVID and she's still struggling with that. A family friend of ours died earlier this week at the age of 35 from unknown causes. I have another friend who is in the psych ward because he is once again dealing with mental stuff and wellness check did not turn up well. Round it all off, my grandpa has basically given up on his life as well, flat out saying there's nothing worth living for anymore. Given his health issues I know its only a matter of time until I'm saying my final goodbye to him as well. So its rough, and fucking sucks. Not much I can do about it, but it makes me feel fucking worse with my own depression and suicidal thoughts. I know I'd never act on the thoughts, but seeing how death effects those around me makes me feel fucking worse for even thinking about it.

The part that sucks the most about it all, and even something I've expressed to my therapist is I'm completely self aware that its all in my head. I know I can't control these situations, and that skills take time to be acquired and grow. I am so grateful for all friends and support I do have, here, on disco, irl, I see the kind words and love and it really means a lot. I feel like a horrible friend because I don't know what to do really. I know its in my head, and I know what I can and can't control. I know what I need to do, yet I don't feel any better. I feel worse, I feel like I'm distant, and dismissive. I feel like what content I am putting out is stale and boring. I just feel lost and I'm not sure what piece I'm missing to really get things going again. I love my characters, I love making stuff with them. I love the story arch I have for Val and Ker and I want to share all of that with you all. I just feel really weird.

[knitting-with-norbert]

Normalising Anxiety Stuff

So this is basically the short cut of my full blog post about this, but anxiety is shit in general but what’s even more shit is some things that come alongside it that people just don’t talk about? Because I know that there were some parts of my anxiety that I didn’t realise were normal for people going through the same things as me - and so I wanted to try to write about some of the stuff that went on with me that I’ve since learnt are normal, in case there are other people who are going through what I went through

(Also I put a load of photos of my dog because she’s cute and makes dealing with this shit a whole lot easier)

1. Sensory Overload

So this is a big one and I genuinely think that I could talk about it forever, but I’ll try to keep it short. I hadn’t actually realised until very recently that sensory overload was a real thing.

All those times I was sent spiralling into a panic attack because everything was too loud around me? Or when I would have to literally cover my ears and start humming to try to calm myself down because I was finding some background noise too loud? Or how, year after year at my dad’s birthday party I would end the night sobbing on the ground because the fireworks were just too fucking loud?

Yep, sensory overload.

And there I was thinking that there was no real cause, that I was just being dramatic or perhaps I was just a little jumpier than most people. But no, it’s a very real thing that doesn’t get talked about enough, and I wish that I had known that it had a name and that other people were going through the same thing because I think that then I would have known how to better deal with it when all my senses were too overwhelming

You’re not strange for getting overwhelmed in situations that are too loud or by textures that you don’t like or anything like that – it’s not just you that it happens to. And so please reach out to someone who you know does understand it and don’t be afraid of asking them if they can help you figure out healthy ways of managing those times where you are feeling that overwhelmed

And if you don’t know who to ask, then I’m here. Be it on my instagram, twitter or Tumblr (where I do have anonymous asks open) if you feel like you want to talk to me about it please don’t hesitate to. I will repeat again that I’m not at all a medical professional, but I do have a solid past 19 or so years coping with my own sensory overload bullshit so I can try to help you to figure out what works for you

It sucks to feel alone going through any mental health shit, but in particular this always makes me feel so, so lonely and if I can help anyone going through it to feel even just a smidge less isolated then that’s a win in my books

2. Adrenaline Crashing After Social Situations

This is such a big one for me, but I think that a lot of my friends who I’ve spoken about it with all already knew that this was a thing and I was just being dumb about it. But I wanted to put it down anyway in case there are people who don’t realise that this is pretty normal

When you go out into a social situation or even just somewhere out of your comfort zone like leaving your house and going to a public space or I know I get it when I go into a shop, even if I use self service I still get a huge adrenaline rush just from being outside basically. 

Because to your anxious brain’s mind you have just returned to somewhere safe (your home or school or friend’s house for example) from an environment that it deemed as being ‘unsafe’, hence why it activated your fight or flight. So naturally upon returning to a place that you feel comfortable in and it starts to regulate your hormone levels again it’s going to leave you drained and sometimes the comedown from that can send you spiralling into a panic attack

Again: it sucks. But it’s a normal thing, please don’t think that you’re overreacting or exaggerating or whatever because of it. A lot of people with anxiety have this happen to them

3. Post-Event Rumination

It’s essentially just being completely and utterly self critical over everything that you did, even if you weren’t doing anything out of the ordinary

For example, if I ran into my neighbour and had a quick conversation with her, literally just exchanging no more than just “hi, how are you?”‘s, that run-in would be playing on repeat in my head for at least the next day and I’d be sure that I must have said something wrong or she knows something that I don’t or anything like that.

For me, if the adrenaline crash wasn’t enough to send me spiralling into a panic attack, post event rumination pretty much always is. But I found a weird amount of comfort in being told that, actually, it’s a thing that a lot of people deal with! A lot of people do it and I’m not strange for being one of them. So that was nice for me to hear at the time, especially to find out that it’s real enough that it had a name, and so I thought that there was someone else out there who might need to hear it too

4. Crashing/Spacing Out

This one is so, so common for me, but no matter how often it happens I always just feel so fucking rude, like, it can literally be the most interesting conversation in the entire world and I just…. won’t be able to concentrate? For the life of me?

As it turns out, though, that’s apparently completely normal for people with anxiety, especially in regards to the social side of it. It’s something that I actually did research in myself rather than trying to talk to one of my friends about it. And that’s because I didn’t know how to admit to being constantly spacing out in conversations with them (as in, more than they would notice) without it straight up just sounding really rude.

But it only took me a pretty quick Google search to tell me that it was actually not at all uncommon. A lot of the time, it just comes from being completely drained by conversations or sometimes (going back to the sensory overload thing) the environment just making it too hard for me to fully concentrate because of fucking birds or something

So yeah, next time that you catch yourself spacing out in a conversation please don’t feel bad about yourself because of it. Of course, it’s incredibly inconvienient and will probably always make you feel a little rude, but it’s got a cause and it is normal and usually it’s totally out of your control, too. Most people will understand it if it does happen so please, please don’t beat yourselves up about it

5. Romanticisation of Mental Health

I guess that this isn’t really, like, normalising something any more than it’s just me having a bit of a rant about how mental health is seen a lot of the time from the outside thanks to it being completely misrepresented in the media

I just know that the very first time that I saw a panic attack on a TV show was during one of the earliest episodes of Teen Wold (which I still haven’t finished by the way – anyone who’s reading this and has seen it, should I watch the rest?) and I remember Stiles getting kissed by Lydia as a way to bring him back from a panic attack.

I genuinely cannot stress enough how averse to that I am now, knowing what I do about how I and my friends deal with my/their panic attacks and anxiety – that is my worst nightmare!

My aim in making this post was to try to bring some people going through these things some comfort by being able to understand that what they are going through is completely valid and that there are ways to cope with it no matter how lost and alone you feel trying to navigate it

So please add on your own things that you wished you knew about anxiety earlier, what you wish you had known was normal or even things that you think not enough people are aware about – comment it or DM me or whatever, I just want to be able to raise awareness of these kinds of stuff

Anyway, figured I’d fill the post with photos of my dog looking sweet as fuck because she is the loveliest dog in the world (send me dog photos boys)

Thank you for reading, I hope that you’re well and if you wanna check out the full post I wrote it’s on my blog - there’s a link in my bio to it!

I hope that you’re well,

Freddie 🐸

[letmetellyouaboutmyfeels]

Thoughts on the pandemic

Couldn’t ask me about my thoughts on Geraskier or fencing, huh, it had to be the collective trauma we’re all going through.

I mean, it’s just a matter of facts that every so often a new disease is going to come along to knock us off our feet. Viruses evolve and all that. And scientists were warning the government about this kind of thing years ago, explaining that we were due for a pandemic and that we had to be prepared. I don’t know about other countries, but I know that in the United States, our current president specifically disbanded the committee our previous president had put in place to plan and prepare for such an event - not because our current president thought such a committee was unnecessary but because he just wanted to destroy everything Obama created.

Please do not mistake this, kids: quite a lot of what our current administration in the United States has done is direct backlash against Obama. How dare we have a POC as our leader, am I right?

So this current pandemic could’ve been pretty much avoided. In fact if our administration had acted quickly, it could still have been avoided. Look at how countries like Korea have handled it. South Korea was one of the first places hit and they tackled that virus to the ground and put it in a headlock. I have friends who live there who are asking me how I’m holding up. They’re just fine over there.

I think that what we’re going through right now is not only collective trauma, it’s a blinding spotlight on all the flaws in our current society. The lack of protections and rights for workers in “low skill” minimum wage jobs, the lack of support for homeless people, the lack of social infrastructure for children, for working parents, for the elderly. We need better healthcare, we need better benefits and support for healthcare workers, we need a universal basic income, we need a lot of things. People with disabilities or special needs who were told “you can’t work from home” or “you can’t do school from home” are now being shown what a lie that is. People who expected the poor and handicapped to live on barely anything are now having to live on barely anything themselves and seeing how bad it is. Black people are disproportionately being hit with the virus because of systematic racism in city zoning, in healthcare, in social care, preventing them from getting tested and getting help. The shortcomings that we ignored are now killing us.

My only hope is that, if we get out of this, we do not waste a second. Just a couple days ago there was a huge worker strike across Amazon, Target, Whole Foods, and other companies. Do more strikes. I will not be surprised if healthcare workers in all areas strike once it won’t be putting everyone’s lives at stake to do so, and I support and encourage them to do so. Once we can do it safely, take to the streets and protest. March. Create and sign petitions. Call and email your representatives. This crisis is showing us that your mayor, your state legislature, your state rep, your governor, all have a much more direct impact on your well-being than your president. Vote, vote, vote.

I am fucking miserable. This pandemic screwed me over in half a dozen ways. And so by fucking God, I am not going to let any one of you go back to being compliant and whining once this is over. If I had to sacrifice my mental and emotional health, my financial stability, my time with my family, my trip to Europe, two jobs, and all the rest, then it better be fucking worth it. I want to see some changes in our society and it is up to every single one of us to make that happen. You do not get the luxury of being compliant.

Apathy is death.

With COVID-19, that saying is literal.

Having said that - this is traumatic. So my final thoughts are, as always: be kind to yourself. Be kind to others. I have my fucking beef with Joss Whedon, y’all know I do, but ever since this hit I can’t stop thinking about the quote from Firefly (which, I’ll be honest, I do still love that show, it was my favorite show for a long time and I still enjoy it even now):

“When you can’t run, you walk, when you can’t walk, you crawl, and when you can’t do that... you get someone to carry you.”

Even if you can’t run right now, you can walk. Walking is okay. You can’t walk? That’s okay too, just crawl. You’ll still get to where you’re going. And if you can’t crawl? Then it’s okay to ask for help. Just because you’re not running doesn’t make you any less. You just do what you can. And let’s carry each other. It’s carrying each other that makes us human.

[vento-di-fata]

Heilig - Kaminari Denki x OC

Hello everyone! This is my entry for @kazooli 's contest, for which I chose the following prompt:

While I love my beautiful tired boi, I decided to change the destination of the prompt to Kaminari Denki a.k.a my pikachu prince <3, for which I can write better and also I know better as a character.

Hope you like it!

Trigger warning: graphic description of panic attacks and depression, implied/referenced self-harm, suicidal thoughts and medication overdose

If you feel like any of these warnings may affect you, please refrain from reading further. I tried my best to portray my character's disability and her and Kaminari's struggles with mental health as realistically as possible.

The title is inspired by the song Heilig by Tokio Hotel. Yep I still like Tokio Hotel because I’m still in my emo phase since I was 7, sue me.

Heilig

It wasn't the first time it happened.

Actually, it happened so many times that Moe had gotten kind of used to it.

It had been a stable occurrence since her childhood, and so many time there were mornings when she would wake up and know that she couldn't do it that day.

First it was the weight on her chest, then the numbness that seemed to fill her head with white static noise, like the one made by her hearing aids that time she broke them.

Then, it was the whirlwind of thoughts and anxiety, that made her heart race and her hands tremble uncontrollably.

On those times, if she managed to get out of bed, she just plugged out her hearing aids and took her medications, then went to class like always, completely zoning out until it was time to go home.

If anyone noticed, no one ever asked, for there was nothing to say.

Nothing for her to hear.

On those times, Moe wondered if joining U.A. had been a good decision. She never knew about heroes like her

(Disabled, said her mother.

Broken, said the rest of the world.)

and on those times she thought that maybe there was a valid reason why.

On those times, the colorful line of pills disposed neatly on her bedside table that she had to gulp down every morning felt like a constant reminder that something was wrong with her, that she was flawed, not good enough because heroes shouldn't be like this.

But she still swallowed them, childishly telling herself that it was the last time, this time the pills would fix her.

But it never was.

With a sigh, Moe rolled onto her back and blindly reached for her phone, squinting her eyes as the light of the screen blinded her for a second.

11:30 am.

She overslept again. Fuck.

With trembling fingers she typed a message to her boyfriend Denki, asking him to come over in the afternoon, and her thumb lingered on the send button for a while.

He probably had homework to do and didn't have time to deal with her. She should probably just let him be.

Just as she stared blankly at the screen, thumb barely brushing on the button, a message from said boyfriend popped in the chat.

PikaDenki: Hey Moe-chan, do you mind if I crash at your place after school? I have homework and cookies! Plis I luv u babe <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

Cloudy Freckles: I wanted to ask you the same thing lmao also cookies sound fantastic please tell me they're with chocolate chips

PikaDenki: Chocolate chips it is! See ya after school love <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3 remember to drink something and take your meds <3 Love you fluffle puff <3

Cloudy freckles: Love you too Pika

Once she turned off the phone, the white static filled her head again. All she wanted was to go back to sleep and drown in nothingness so she would stop shaking, and the weight on her chest would disappear.

But Denki said she had to take her medications and drink water... she didn’t want to disappoint his boyfriend further, did she? She was already a disappointment as she was.

With that thought in mind, Moe forced herself to get up and do the things she was asked to do, but soon – too soon, right when she poured the pills in her hand and realized how easily she could take an extra pill and forget – she found her thoughts swirling in her head again.

“I can’t do this. I’m useless and weak and broken and weird and” The broken string of words that she slurred out, not actually hearing them because she didn’t have her hearing aids, was choked, breathless, waking an ancient terror that never left her body and soul.

Her hands felt cold and she let the pills fall down between her fingers to start idly scratching at her arms in an attempt to get some feeling in her frozen fingers, her eyes burning with tears, she felt so upset and useless and she couldn’t breathe, oh kami she couldn’t breathe.

She didn’t remember falling on her side, but the feeling of the floor beneath her and the throbbing of her head where she banged it helped her try to focus. But everything was blurry and her head was buzzing, she was so tired, she should probably have stayed in bed for a while longer. Sleep sounded really good right now...

She closed her eyes and went to sleep.

*

"Moe, wake up please. C'mon baby, you're fine aren't you?"

Denki cursed himself for being so stupid, he should have picked up something was wrong right when Moe skipped school: she never skipped unless it was really bad.

And when he went to her house and knocked he just assumed she had her hearing aids off. How could he have been such an idiot?

He gently patted her cheek, trying to get the girl to stir and wake up. When he saw her eyelids flicker and open slowly, grey eyes hooded by pale lashes, he breathed in relief and kissed her forehead. "Good girl sweetie, you're doing amazing." He praised and gently held her hands as she woke up groggily, blinking confused at him.

"Mhmh... Denki...?" Moe slurred.

Denki nodded and gently kissed her forehead. "Let's get you in bed okay fluffypuff?" He said, more to himself than to her, since she obliviously couldn't hear him. He helped her on her feet, legs shaking as a newborn foal as she clutched his hands tightly.

Once his girlfriend was safely lying on the bed, still looking pretty confused and lost, he sat beside her and tucked a strand of curls behind her ear, taking note of the angry red of her earlobes, as if she had been scratching them.

It wasn't the first time Denki found his girlfriend in a state like this, he knew about her anxiety and how it took an heavy toll on her life and health. More than once Moe had confessed to him that she felt like she was losing her mind every time she had a panic attack, the fact that it was always when she had her hearing aids off only made her more terrified because there were no sounds, nothing that could anchor her to reality.

With that thought in mind, he reached for the small box containing Moe's hearing aids on the bedside table, placing the other hand on Moe's shoulder and giving it a gentle squeeze. "C'mon Cotton candy, sit up for me?" He asked. "Let's put your hearing aids on, 'kay?"

The girl only blinked slowly at him, sitting up with his help and letting him put on her the small objects.

With a soft click, Moe's world was not silent anymore.

Wind outside.

The neighbor's dog barking.

Kaminari's breaths and his voice.

"Can you hear me, sweetcheeks?" She nodded. "Great!" He smiled and gave her a soft kiss on the tip of her nose. “How are you feeling now?”

“Better...” Moe’s words were still slow and slightly slurred, but she was starting to look more focused on reality and Denki internally took a breath of relief for this.

“Did you do what I asked? Drank a glass of water and took your meds?”

Moe frowned, lost in thought. She didn’t remember if she did it or not... she probably didn’t. she was taking her pills and they fell because...

God, she was such a disappointment, wasn’t she?

Denki noticed her confusion and the panic that she was starting to feel, and gave her a tight squeeze on her hand. “Hey hey, it’s not a big deal, okay? You can take them tomorrow. Now you need to eat some cookies and rest!” He declared. Cookies sounded really good to Moe and she perked up at the mention. “I have the ones with chocolate chips!”

In a matter of minutes, the both of them were safely tucked under a blanket, a bag of cookies on Moe’s lap as she laid her head against Denki’s shoulder and kept an hand on his chest, gripping lightly at his shirt as her boyfriend played with her hair and made stupid jokes. His other hand was gently tracing circles on Moe’s wrist, feeling under his fingertips the light rise of the scars he knew littered her arms.

In those moments he wished he could protect her always, not letting anything hurt her, much less her own mind that turned against her for no reason. He wished that Moe could always smile and laugh and be happy, like she deserved to be, and not be haunted by anxiety and nothingness.

Denki hated not being able to help Moe like he wanted to. He loved her so much, and it hurt to know he couldn’t do anything but try to be always here for her when it all became too much. He could just be there and hold her, try to distract her from the storm of her mind and hope it was enough.

“I can hear you thinking, Arashi.” Moe mumbled suddenly, munching on a cookie.

“Sorry, Kumo.” He kissed her forehead, smiling apologetically. She hummed contentedly and closed her eyes, a soft smile on her face.

He would have done anything to see her smile like this.

“du wirst für mich, immer heilig sein Ich sterb' für unsere Unsterblichkeit Meine Hand von Anfang an über dir, ich glaub' an dich du wirst für mich, immer heilig sein”

“To me you'll be forever sacred I'm dying but I know Our love will live Your hand above Like a dove Over me Remember To me you'll be forever sacred” – Heilig, Tokio Hotel

[kierofrp]

thoughts on degrassi: next class season 3 :) it’s nearly 3,000 words because apparently i had a lot of emotions. 

i...honestly was expecting the worst. the way they refused to promote the show until the last second and the fact that everything was hush-hush... i was expecting it to be awful. but this season is the first season in forever that reminds me of the degrassi i fell in love with when i was growing up, and it honestly makes the last few seasons look a little garbage in comparison. i cried at least 1 time per episode - maybe i’m just in an emotionally vulnerable place, but everything was getting to me. every emotional beat held my attention and brought me so deep into the world. i don’t even have words. the characters were all realistic as hell - and all a little problematic in their own ways - and it was just... wow. and everyone actually got enough focus and nobody got too much screentime imo. even maya -who had the most important plotline (in my opinion) & has been degrassi’s princess for the past few seasons - even maya had an appropriate amount of screentime. i’m here for it. i don’t want this class to graduate, unlike clare’s class, who i was so damn sick of... i’m gonna go into each character (and their related plots) now while the emotions are still so raw.

zoe - i LOVED zoe’s storyline. i love her falling for rasha. i loved her finding herself and feeling secure and safe and having a friend group. i loved her being student counsel president. she is perfect for it. i love that they showed her actually being a president, not just throwing dances and bullshit like the past few presidents. she was actually doing well for the school and... killing it. i hate her mom, but i loved the way they portrayed it. it was seriously so realistic and it was hitting me hard as someone who just recently came out to my mom. that’s how it is for so many people who come out, but i love that she decided to refuse giving up her happiness - especially since its’ taken so long for her to achieve. i cannot wait for more gay zoe thriving and living for herself. she was one of my favorite characters this season. she has had so much shit happen to her, and for her to finally be coming into her own and finally finding herself, even if it means losing her mom... fuck i loved zoe so much and ana did such an amazing job. 

rasha - raSHA RASHA RASHA !!!!!!! i am so fucking in love with rasha. her claiming her faith the way she wants to, her crushing on zoe and being so fucking ADORABLE WITH ZOE i was so here for every bit of it and i wish she was only a sophomore or something because i need her to be the main character once the seniors graduate PLEASE. she was literally possibly my favorite part of this season. casting a+, acting a+, the only thing i could wish for would be more plots with different people. i liked her little parts with miles, i loved the stuff with goldi, i loved the stuff with zoe (gracevas who?)... i just want her to be more than just zoe’s girlfriend and goldi’s friend.

goldi - OK so.... i liked her storyline about her struggling with her faith. i liked her storyline with her struggling to accept beliefs that weren’t strictly muslim.. however, i wish they hadn’t made her a feminist. because although feminists are completely able to have their own beliefs on things like homosexuality and other ‘sins’, it reinforces the other parts of her that represent white feminism to me. she’s not intersectional. she’s a feminist about ‘equality’ with men and she’s a feminist about her hijab. great strides. but that doesn’t make her the poster child for feminism in my opinion. i’d rather her be the leader of the social justice club or something rather than feminism club (that, lol, doesn’’t exist now that it’s not convenient to the plot) 

winston - this is gonna be short lol but i DIDN’T HATE HIM THIS TIME AROUND OOPS. he wasn’t bad! this is the max involvement i want out of him. tiny doses of him are alright - he was cute with zoe/rasha/goldi, which is my top friend group this season, especially since zig’s friends are GAAArrrRbbbAAAAGGGEEEE)

zig - speaking of! i didn’t hate zesme. i actually liked them better than zaya. i liked that they were sexually active and (other than the gross slut shaming plot) were sex-positive and not ashamed of being sexually active. i’m here for it. i’m here for them having all of the sex they want. zig was a pretty small part of the season which i am... COMPLETEly ok with because i honestly... got sick of him the past few seasons. especially if the writers aren’t gonna flesh him out. i’m struggling to think of other plots other than the stuff with esme and his friends being absolute garbage which LEADS ME TO....

tiny - i liked him so much in the past but fuck but he was acting like garbage this season. other than the scene after 7 minutes in heaven where he says ‘you only like me when i’m the perfect science student’ or whatever to shay -- i liked that. and i guess i liked the period stuff with him. but he was acting kinda garbage. i’m ok with it because i love that they’re making these characters flawed and interesting and problematic. 

shay - i don’t,,, know. she was alright, i didn’t like the revenge bullshit because that’s so not shay. she’s not petty like she was acting this season. she’s never been petty. i prefer the plots about her scholastic life and her future goals. i liked that she didn’t get too involved in being extra and petty and dramatic, but this season she kinda became that person. it’s alright because again, i like seeing flawed characters and they definitely did that this season, but i did like when she was different than her friends. 

lola - BLESS. LOLA. she was interacting with so many people and interweaving with so many different plots and it was just...expert writing tbh. she had so much going on but it all made sense together. the abortion plot gave me chills, i love that they showed the doctor and they showed the procedure and that line about her not being the first 16 year old to get an abortion in the day... WOW. seriously. amanda’s acting deserves some type of award. she killed it. miles/lola stuff... i was a fan tbh. it worked. so well. i loved it all. i loved that she didn’t struggle with her abortion. i loved that she shared her story and wasn’t sorry. i have zero complaints. i don’t want her to graduate. she’s the first one in a while that i really am starting to care about. i care about her the way i cared about jt and manny and all of the characters in the old days. i’m in love with lola. i’m in love with lola being vulnerable and sensitive and a little petty and more than a vessel for mediocre one-liners. and that blue hair was stellar. i have such a crush on amanda and the fact that she’s a good actress (she’s improved a ton since the last few seasons) and she’s super beautiful... maybe my new fave? it’s a three way tie between lola, rasha, and frankie. hoping for single lola next season because she is SO MUCH BETTER than these dumb boy plotlines she’s been getting. she’s come so far from being the boy-crazy dumb character. she’s developing so nicely. yes yes yes. 

frankie - i’m mad that they dropped the racism plot. zero mention. everyone hated her and wanted nothing to do with her and suddenly she apologizes and nobody is upset with her at all? whatever though. i wish they just hadn’t done that because as i posted earlier, i related to her so damn much with her emotional issues. i hope they do some sort of plot with her being codependent and having emotional issues. i’m super clingy just like her - i give my all to my partners and i lose a bit of my identity, just like her. and seeing myself in her, seeing her not necessarily being demonized (in my opinion, other than the last bit with jonah) was meaningful. i just wish she wasn’t racist. i liked that the hollingsworth siblings were all interacting with one another throughout the season. i liked the continuity of her being kinda gross saying abortion was murder (its consistent)... sara is an amazing actress. 

jonah - garbage garbage garbage but i appreciate that he’s realistic and consistent. but he’s lowkey gross. highkey gross. he reminds me of jay or something. that whole friend group (zig, grace, jonah) seems to non-stop talk shit about everyone and it was gross, but agaaaain realistic and i appreciate that the writers are writing the characters like this. and i see my partners in jonah tbh when it comes to frankie. i hope to god grace and jonah don’t get together though, i’m not here for that at all. not in the LEAST. just be friends for fucks sake.

grace - here for it here for it here for it. not here for her putting up with her friends’ shit talking women and being shady because in the past she’s definitely not put up with petty drama, but whatever. maybe this is more realistic. her CF stuff is so unique and great and i’m just here for degrassi getting out of their comfort zone and writing unique stories and actually doing research to represent a disease and props to nikki for portraying that fear of dying and the conflicted emotions and i’m here for it so HARDCORE. and her being mad at maya, here for it. she was justified, even though maya was going through shit, she was so justified and i just loved nikkis performance. all i can wish for in the future is maybe a plot about her being native and dealing with the issues that go with that. and drop your gross friends, especially jonah. 

esme - she is SO intriguing and i’m so mad they’re wasting chelsea’s talent. the acting was out of this world and her emotional beats were so fucking awesome. if they don’t do a serious mental health plot before she graduates i will forever be mad at the writers. having her spiral even more after pretty much reliving finding her mom (with the maya situation) will be so traumatic. and chelsea would kill it. as i said with zig, i like zesme tbh, i love her being open about her sexuality and not ashamed of anything when it comes to being a woman. i didn’t like her shaming shay for having her period, but it seems about right for esme’s character. and again, problematic realistic characters. they’re high schoolers. they’re gonna be petty. and esme has some problems that would cause her to be bad with social situations and act in a way that gets attention.... more esme next year or i’m gonna riot.

miles - here. for. it. EVERYTHING was perfect. the lola thing made perfect sense. his acting was out of this world. the interactions with tristan were amazing, the whole plot was great. i wasn’t really into the play but i get that it was a good plot device. i think they could’ve had lola and him bond and have the same great plot without the play, but bringing tristan into it needed the play, and i think it was overall a good idea i guess. the play was well woven into the entire season. the whole season was just so well interwoven i was shocked. usually it’s off balance and people don’t intersect, but... they killed it.

tristan - i didn’t even care about tristan before now. at all. but it was so jarring to see him in a coma and then waking up and in the wheelchair... i started crying when he was in the wheelchair typing the words. he’s changed forever. and i love it. the bus crash is forever changing his life. he may never be the same, and i hope he graduates in the chair with minimal speech capability. i’m fine with him relearning speech but if he returns to the sassy, personable guy he was before the crash... it’d be unfortunate to waste this opportunity to make a memorable and unique plot. i hated his last scene about pizza. the ending was such a serious and melancholy beat and then they were like PIZZA!!! trying to be funny. and idk if it was supposed to be him incapable of expressing emotions with maya literally almost killing herself but he literally didn’t make one comment about the girl that he met on his first day of high school and was so involved with for Y E A R S... they were best friends. they may have had falling outs but come on. give us something. he could understand emotions with miles cheating on him and could have a coherent conversation and understanding when it came to that, so why not this? btw i appreciate him not being totally biphobic with the lola thing and understanding it somewhat. of course, he has limited speech so it’s not like he can spout off a bunch of biphobic bullshit like usual, and hopefully there are more important things than miles hooking up with a girl... i liked how he took it and although i don’t care one way or another about triles, i liked their resolution, and i definitely 100% believe triles is endgame. i’ll be surprised if it’s not. 

maya - the big one. i cried almost every time she was on screen because i related so much to her. i got her. i got what she was feeling and i understood every frustration and every action and everything she was going through. of course not 100%, but i got it. i loved the mention of cam and adam (although i would’ve killed for her to talk about how she thought suicide was selfish when cam did it and how she now gets it, i would’ve killed to hear her thought process there) but i was here for it. olivia is an amazing actress. she killed it. and i loved that she wasn’t a part of a lot of the plots. it really isolated her and it translated and it made sense with how isolated she was truly feeling. i liked the saad stuff - even though it was totally fucked up, i totally got it and i understood them finding solace in one another and the photoshoot stuff was seriously so interesting and (as i’ve said for 1,000,000 things in this review) SO UNIQUE. i’ve never seen depression handled the way they handled maya. i was never expecting to feel so strongly about maya but it was amazing. her slowly reaching her breaking point in the last couple seasons has been so masterful, and this was just perfect. the pill popping scene and the scene with katie and her mom where she was having one good night before she kills herself...that acting...you just knew. and it was heart wrenching. this has to be some of the best stuff degrassi has ever done. as someone who has seen everything since day 1 of tng, i’m seriously saying that this plot with maya - this arc that has been going on since cam’s death - is seriously some of the best tv i’ve ever seen. like amanda, olivia deserves a nomination or something for this. seeing katie was amazing - props to degrassi for that, considering in the past, like with clare, past family members just ceased to exist. 

gamer club - idc IDC IDC and if these are the motherfuckers who are supposed to carry the show after lola’s class graduates i’m sorry but i may lost interest. it wasn’t HORRIBLE but it just reminded me of the past few seasons that were just mediocre. they held my interest enough, but i’m not invested overly. baaz is annoying, vijay is a piece of human garbage, hunter is mediocre, and yael... yael has potential if she stops lowering herself to the level of these losers.

overall, this is the best season in forever. the stories were interwoven so well, the writing was great, the plots were diverse and unique and not tired (like they have been in the past few seasons)... it was so emotional. and so real. and it gives me hope for this franchise and makes me want to write on their staff and continue to make content like this. i want season 4. i want these flawed fucked up teenagers. the production value went up. the writing went through the roof. the acting wasn’t cringey like it usually has been. it has flaws, but overall... i’m singing praises and i have hope. shouts out to degrassi for reviving this franchise (hopefully) and getting it right. HERE FOR IT. <3

[purplesurveys]

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