#my roommate's mom had surgery and i was helping her move stuff

[icarusislaughing]

Being disabled in the very specific way that I am is so strange. Like. I can't bend over, I'm in a constant level of pain at all times, and my body just stops breathing if I'm not actively telling it to, but I'm still very capable of lifting heavy objects (if their starting point isn't on the floor) or even going on moderate-length hikes if I have a cane handy. So like, I think I could carry a few of my wheelchair-using friends in the event of an emergency, but there is also thought that I will probably be a wheel chair user by the time I'm thirty? Idk man life is weird. Don't get hit by cars.

[2hoothoots]

So I was going through your blog (again) and found some of your stuff mentions fsau Raz having ADHD, as somebody with adhd I’m intrigued, may I have some of those headcanons (canons??) related to that? Also, I would give “a penny for your thoughts” but I’m out of pennies, so here’s various images of a drawing of ur blorbo I put next to my animals, note that a rock had to be added in one picture to keep him from flying away (BONUS: his now permanent place with the wifi guardian frog)

NOTHING brings me more joy than seeing physical drawings of these guys, like, out and about. in situations. thank you for this gift, and ALSO for the great ask because it's a perfect chance to ramble

so first of all, canon Raz having ADHD is very real to me. he's constantly fidgeting and moving around, getting distracted by sidequests and scavenger hunt objectives, always talking to himself out loud, gotta write everything down so he remembers it because there's so much to DO!, running away from home because his dad yelled at him one time and now Raz assumes he must hate him forever... i could go on, but i think there's a lot of room for interpretation there!

in my headcanon, he never got diagnosed as a kid. maybe there were some notes about it in his reports each year, sure - but a little hyperactivity and distractability never seemed to slow him down. he excelled in lessons and on missions, and when he was with his family their performances gave him something to focus that energy into. it was only really when he turned 18 and graduated to a full agent that the cracks started to show.

because there's a big difference between the responsibilities you have as a minor, and the responsibilities you have as an 18-year-old living away from home! one who's expected to cook and clean for themselves, and take care of adult life stuff, and also work the 9-to-5 office job he's just graduated into that involves sitting in front of a computer and write reports all day.

short-term, he found he could get himself to power through a deadline with energy drinks and psi-pops (a lot of psi-pops...)

long-term, something had to give. he was working himself to exhaustion, constantly stressed, swinging between days spent staring at his computer screen doing nothing and all-nighters desperately trying to finish his paperwork before the deadline. it just didn't make any sense to him. he'd finally started his job as a Psychonaut, he was living independently like he'd always dreamed, he'd gotten top surgery after planning it for so long. he should have everything he ever wanted. why wasn't he happy?

following a deep post-surgical depression, about a month before his 19th birthday Raz was living out of his car, couch-surfing or sleeping in his office. he got kicked out of his apartment after falling behind on bills and rent. it wasn't that he didn't have the money, it was all just too much for him to stay on top of.

he'd probably have stayed in that misery hole for a lot longer if Frazie hadn't marched into his life and demanded he let her help him move into a new place, or she was telling mom that he was homeless. together, they sorted through all of his possessions from the last place - everything that had been hastily shoved in his car, or tossed in a box in his office, piled in a heap that was giving him anxiety even looking at it.

things do get better for him from there.

when he eventually explains things to Hollis, she gently suggests that he should get a roommate. he ends up moving in with Phoebe, and they become pretty good friends after a couple months! something about having another person around to help do the chores and wash the dishes and share the space helps, even if it takes him a while to admit it.

he gets his ADHD diagnosis, and finding the exact right medication and dose is a journey he's still on years later - but they're a huge help in getting him to actually knuckle down and finish his work on time. and the whole thing ends up being a chance for him to take a step back and really think about what he wants to do with his life. he'd always assumed that being a Psychonaut was his dream, but he'd never really reckoned with what that dream would look like before.

in the end, he sticks with it, but also decides to follow Lili's example in branching out. he applies to study a part-time Bachelor's in Psychology on a remote course, and gets accepted. juggling missions and paperwork and study and relationships (because the whole thing made him realise he also wasn't setting aside any time for himself, and wow, dating is a thing) is a lot - but he manages to figure it out, day by day.

(Lili comes back to the Psychonauts after graduating. she and Raz have both changed a lot over those four years, but on their first mission together they hit it off like a house on fire - and the rest is history!)

[sketchraptor]

I wanna talk about my recent hospital experience because I haven’t been able to talk to anyone in detail about it yet, and I think it’s interesting, will help get some stuff of my chest, and can help others know when to listen to their bodies.

So for the last few years I’ve gotten regular ‘heart burn’. Usually once or twice a year and seemingly out of nowhere, regardless of my activity and the kinds of food I ate.

I never thought twice about it because I always took tums and it usually kicked it right out. Until it didn’t.

Looking back, the first time it happened I should have gone to the hospital but I didn’t. I was a junior or senior in high school and I remember having heart burn like twice a week for a couple months. Nothing too bad but enough that you start to worry. But again, tums and the occasional baking soda mix helped knock it out.

Then one night it was bad. I was pacing my room, hands over my head, at like 2am because I was in so much chest pain. I took tums which didn’t help at all. My mom brought me some baking soda which helped for couple minutes but it was right back at it. I was in the bathroom at this point feeling like I was going to vomit and die all at once. And we didn’t know that baking soda could make you sick, and I took more, and ended up throwing up. I felt a little bit better and knocked out from how tired I was. And I was fine the next day.

Then nothing until this last year, 2023-2024.

Right at the start of winter break when I was moving back in after a few months in the college dorms, it started again. Heart burn about once or twice a week that was usually treatable with tums, but it was steadily getting worse.

Come January, the day I move back into dorms, it kicks into full swing. My mom bought me a bunch of different kinds of anti acids and tummy-safe foods because we were still under the impression that this was heartburn, but I was getting the feeling that it wasn’t that. She claimed that she had really bad, consistent heartburn when she was my age exactly (freshly 22) and that I probably got it from her.

And then my appetite started to go down, and none of the over the counter medicines were helping. I was loosing sleep, I wasn’t eating, but it was weird because I’d be totally normal for a few hours then I’d be curled up in pain for several more. And sometimes the meds helped, but mostly they didn’t.

Finally after having this ‘heartburn’ for 12 hours straight, I called my mom nearly in tears asking her to take me to the hospital. I was in the bathroom of the dorm, curled up incase I threw up. And she was still apprehensive but took me to urgent care.

The doctor and nurse pulled me in right away and listened to my symptoms. And immediately my doctor knew it wasn’t heartburn. The fact that I hadn’t been eating anything but broth I think clued him into that, but he said it might be my pancreas or even appendix (though unlikely on that), so they took some blood and he ordered me an chest x-ray and an ultrasound to check out my heart and all the funky digestive organs.

I got those done like the very next day which is crazy. I was being pushed as a priority patient already but it hadn’t clicked to me yet.

I was miserable as I drove myself to these. My heart and lungs looked fine, and we just needed to get my ultrasound looked at and my blood results. Great.

The next day I get a call from my urgent care doctor who explains that he knows what’s happening. My gallbladder is passing stones, something that usually isn’t an issue but the ones I’m passing are too big for my bile duct and that that’s what’s causing my pain. My blood also shows that my liver is going crazy trying to keep up with my malfunctioning gallbladder, so he tells me a surgeon will contact me within the week to schedule surgery. Alternative treatments aren’t even on the table. I’m getting surgery.

I don’t even make it 48 hours. I’m in so much pain. I call my mom again as I’m laying in bed suffering while my poor roommate does their homework (oh yeah, classes started at this point), and she tells me to try and wait because there’s nothing urgent care can do but tell me to wait for the surgeons call.

A few hours later I’m curled up in the floor of the bathroom. I’m hunched over the toilet, dry heaving. My hands are shaking and I’m drenched in sweat, and I can’t even bring the cup of alka seltzer to my mouth to try and help myself. I’m not crying but I’m right about to. I’m almost wishing I was dead.

I call my dad instead. It’s like 6pm on a Wednesday and he’s at dinner after a long work day. He asks if I think I can wait, because the emergency room will take forever and they’ll probably just tell me to wait for the surgeon. I say I can’t.

My dad picks me up and immediately he’s more concerned than he had been over the phone. I’m flinching as I sit, taking deep breaths, eyes closed. I’m struggling to hold a conversation with him. I’m not one to show pain, and I’m obviously not in great condition. Unbeknownst to me, my dad was worried because my skin was yellowing and my eyes were yellow too.

We get to urgent care and I sign in and we wait. And I’m called up front. Not to the patient rooms, but to the front desk where a disheveled nurse is looking between me and my file. She clarifies what I’m here for. She says something like “so you know it’s your gallbladder?” And when I confirm this she tells me to go to the ER. Immediately. Says that they can’t administer any treatment that I might need.

Looking back I think she was purposefully vague considering we weren’t alone and she didn’t want me to freak out.

So my dads fucking worried now and he drives me to the ER where we sign in. I’m sitting for like five minutes before I’m brought up for a quick check in and then they draw my blood and do another EKG. 20 minutes pass. I’m surrounded by people who, to me, are in worse states. Some have broken limbs, some are throwing up constantly, etc. I feel like I don’t belong because my pain has faded considerably, drawing my pain streak of 26 hours of constant pain to an end.

And I’m called in. After being in the ER for a grand total of maybe 45 minutes I’m already called in to be looked at by a surgeon.

His name is also the name of my dad and he’s friendly and asks what’s up. He looks in my eyes and is like ‘yeah your gallbladders giving you a hard time. Your liver is going crazy and you’re yellow as hell’. He says he’ll order an ultrasound and schedule me for surgery. When I ask if I’ll be headed home or if I need to go somewhere for that, he laughs.

“You’re not going anywhere.”

My dad and I are taken back, I’m loaded up on a medical bed. And my dad and mom swap out because he had work and she didn’t. I barely nibble on a turkey sandwich (I still haven’t eaten) and the ultrasound goes great. The guy who did it was super cool and very cute and that was probably the best part of the whole week, haha.

I’m put in a room and change into a hospital gown. I’m given an IV for fluids (because I’m dehydrated as hell) and they ask if I’m in pain. I say not currently and I’m told to call if I am and they’ll give me something for it. Cool.

The next day is treatment part one. They have to do some scoping, which is basically just sticking some tubes down my throat and pulling that nasty gallstone that’s been tearing me up out. It goes smoothly and when I wake up I’ve got a sore throat but nothing else. I’m feeling exhausted but I’m okay. I’ve got my sleeping charmander plush and even though I’m not sleeping well or eating much, I feel okay.

I’m given a day out of anesthesia and then my surgery gets moved up. Partially because I haven’t eaten anything but a quarter of a turkey sandwich and broth in a week and a half, and also because they managed to get the other gallbladder removals done quickly.

I’m nervous going into it but it’s whatever. I remember feeling a little panicked as I lay down, especially because nobody was with me considering how short notice it was, but the second I feel the anesthesia hit my bloodstream I let it take me over.

And I wake up in so much pain. They’d warned me this could happen. But all I can mutter is the word ‘hurts’ to my nurse who immediately scrambled to give me some more pain meds. And it still hurts and I also feel sick to my stomach now and I have to pee like really bad.

They get me to my room and I hardly process that my parents, mother in law, and aunt are all there. I’m just in pain and feel sick.

It’s just me, like four nurses, and my mom. They tell me there’s likely an air pocket left in my chest from the surgery which is why pain medicine wasn’t helping. The nausea was likely just a result of the anesthesia and they mark it on my records as a reaction to going under. Moving around often and holding charmander to my chest who’ll help alleviate the pain, though.

And I have to pee. They put this suction thing between my legs while I’m laying down but I just can’t do it. I can’t pee laying down. And three nurses help me sit up and use a chair thing. And I’m so tired and exhausted and in pain that I don’t even care that I’m peeing in-front of like five people, four of whom I don’t even know.

This happens every hour like clockwork as the fluids from my IV finally work through my system. I don’t sleep well, but the nurses are great and by the next day I’m able to struggle out of bed and pee on my own. Great. I’m encouraged to walk because it’ll help me heal faster. I’ve got four tiny incisions on my belly that are glued shut. My surgeon checks in on me and is impressed with how quickly I’ve gotten to my feet and says he’s comfortable with my recovery so far, calling me appropriately tender’ given how recent the surgery was.

It takes about six hours for the air to dissipate and I’m still tired and stiff and sore, but I’m distinctly not in pain. But I’m still not eating, and they prescribe me Tylenol and Oxycodone. I refuse the Oxy and take Tylenol, but I feel nauseous every time they inject the pain killers into my IV, or if I swallow the pill.

So I’m in this cycle of pain medicine and anti nausea medicine and not eating. I also haven’t pooped!

But I finally get cleared to go home the next day with the promise from my doctor that I’d make an effort to eat more and to come back if I don’t have a bowel movement in four days. (I don’t end up having to go back)

In the two weeks this happened, from the start of my near-constant pain to arriving home? I lost 10 pounds. Super super unhealthy especially because I’m notorious for having a hard time loosing weight.

I sleep on the couch for a few days because I can’t walk up the stairs, and it takes me a week to go back to school and work, and another to finally get the glue off. And a month after that before I don’t have to worry about taking it easy anymore.

So what happened after?

Well, my digestive system is fucked. I was lactose intolerant before, but now it’s really bad. And I can’t eat oily foods either unless I want to face immediate and intense consequences. If I eat food, I should expect to be in the bathroom very quickly afterwards. I’ve got a few little scars and ended up passing my classes just fine. And I literally feel no different aside from my bathroom breaks becoming more frequent.

Some of the craziest parts were how quickly things happened. There was a grand total of about three days between me being admitted to the ER and my surgery. It was wild having the little ‘priority’ sticker on my wrist band, especially when it didn’t feel like it. And having doctors like… Agree with me? Validate what I was going through? It was wild. Especially because I’m AFAB and somewhat overweight. That doesn’t usually happen.

The wildest part though was when I was in the bathroom before I called my dad. I just felt that something was wrong. Everyone around me was telling me it was probably fine and that I should just wait for that call, but I just knew. I knew this wasn’t normal and I knew that I needed help. I could’ve died. I had acute cholecystitis— I had an infection.

My mom resents that they went right for surgery but like… There was no other choice. And she also feels incredibly guilty that she’d tried to talk me out of going to the ER. Both of my parents had. But none of us knew.

So yeah. Pain’s not normal. And if you feel like you need to go to the ER, then please do.

I know I’m privileged enough to have insurance and for us to have been able to afford all that (Insurance covered everything because it was an emergency surgery) but still. I’m someone who hates the hospital. I’ve been in and out of it since I was a kid for various reasons. And I was begging someone to take me to the ER.

Listen to your gut. Especially when it feels like someone’s squeezing your chest and putting out cigarettes on your lungs.

Because that shit sucks ass.

[blackvail22]

i have to write down what im gonna say to my counselor because i genuinely have to make sure i have all of my thoughts straightened out so i dont blank like i always do

ok

my sister moved out on friday and saturday. it feels easier than last time, but it still doesnt feel right. like, i look at my clock when it's almost 4 and i think "oh, my brother will be home soon" and then it reaches 5 and im like "oh, my sister will be home soon" but they never arrive. its a sad realization every time but... yeah. i hung out with my sister and her friend on friday when my sister started moving. her friends personality is very... big, loud, but she can't help it so i dont mind it. my mood went from reserved -> opening up -> starting to be myself -> shut down. like, i was fine until i jokingly said "you have friends?" to my brother, when i know that he does..., and he said "i have more than you" and then he said that my online friends dont count. which, sure... i dont leave my house to see and hang out with them, but they're still friends; i still hang out with them somehow. idk, it just made me feel like .... idk what the word is.... it was just on the spot, and the way everyone was looking at me.. its like i was scared. not like anxiety-scared, but scared-scared. i dont really know why, though? i mean, actually.... i do have a bf and it kinda felt like they were invalidating that (even though they dont know about it and actually only .... hmm.... a few people know aobut it but i digress) but other than that, i dont really get it? it felt like they thought i was just being overdramatic when i said "they dont really hang out with me though" . ANYWAY yeah, i felt sad after that and like my walls went up too. on saturday i dont remember anything significant happening.. ijust remember i worked that day. i worked sunday too. after work on sunday, i have a lot of time because i had an early shift. i started to clean up all of the clothes i have everywhere. i mean, i guess i did alright, but my room still isnt clean somehow so. oh, also late that night i tried moving my bed into my sisters old room and i couldnt drag it like i could my other mattresses because theres a protector on it, so i got my bed, like, stuck and i slept on the floor of my sisters old room LOL it was kinda nice though. monday my brother got the bed in the room and it was nice. i put my desk in this room too. i dont have many of my things in here. i like how little things r in here. sometimes when i have too much stuff in a space i feel like so.... panicked. idk. i like how empty it feels in here. i might never put the rest of my stuff in here lol. uhh and then tuesday (yesterday) i worked as usual. i was talking with my old coworker though about life n stuff and she mentioned how she was looking for a roommate for when she rents and appartment and i offered to be her roommate so thats something now. i havent told anyone else about it because i feel like my mom and dad would be like pissed off which.... doesnt make a lot of sense to me because im less than 3 weeks away from being 18 and i told her i wouldnt rlly be able to move in until early september because of my surgery but anyway.... it makes me anxious to think aobut anyway because i dont have a license UHHH so ... itll be so hard getting to and from my appts and going to and from work. so thats kinda stresful but yeah that was my week. so much to talk about!!!

i stg me talking abt all of this is going to leave me with 45+ minutes to fill because all of this is like nothing LOLLLl

[one-abuse-survivor]

Hey, this is the roommate anon.

So, my dad and I are looking for someone to rent the room left by the roommate who was having repeated medical emergencies. A coworker had expressed interest. Previously, she had said she only needed one room, but now she needs two rooms. We have a side room that we had rented out a few years ago, but the guy straight up disappeared on us. So my dad said we could give them the side room. My stipulation is that I’m not sharing my bathroom, cause the guy who disappeared had shared my bathroom, and after a gallbladder surgery, that became an issue. Also, it’s messy, and I’m not willing to clean it to anyone else’s standards. Which means slow going.

The coworker and her nephew showed up today unannounced, towards the end of me eating lunch. I’ve been cleaner than I used to be, but there’s still some of my stuff that need to be neatened up, in addition to a bunch of my dad’s stuff stored in the living room, and a bunch of stuff from both ex roommates in the side room. And add in the fact that I hadn’t cleaned up from lunch yet, it wasn’t perfectly cleaned through out the house. Not terrible, but not great.

My coworker and her nephew asked if we wanted help to clean stuff up, for everyone’s health, because of bacteria and germs. This bothered me, because the mess wasn’t that bad, and also so much of it belongs to other people. And then she showed up without warning. Like, it just bothers me so much that she’s complaining about the kitchen right after I used it, or the rugs being dirty (yes, there’s stains from the past 16-17 years, again not entirely my fault). Like I said, I was eating lunch, and was gonna neaten up after. And I don’t mind my dad having a bunch of his stuff here, it’s his house, but I’m not gonna have it blamed on me. And it just bothers me so much that she said that bit about germs and bacteria when she showed up unannounced, especially cause I don’t think it’s as bad as all that.

I think a large part of the reason it upsets me so much is cause my ex step mom basically used me being messy (because of depression) as an excuse to invade my privacy for years, and then I had a bunch of people give me a bunch of different advice over the years, none of which worked, it only gave me problems with hoarding. So far, the only two things that have helped are: 1. Cleaned on a timer, and 2. It doesn’t have to be perfect. That, and that I don’t have to be responsible for other people’s messes. And I don’t know if it’s a culture thing, or if she has some mental thing where she can’t have any mess whatsoever, or what, but I told my dad that I don’t really want to live with someone who shows up unannounced, and criticizes something that isn’t that bad. Especially cause I had to show my dad the kitchen, and then how much of the stuff in the living room is his to get him to believe me. Cause all he did was say that maybe it was the smell. We have compost without a lid (his choice, not mine), the sink has been having problems with smell recently, and then My cat eats wet food, which I put the cans in the trash, and his only suggestion was to get another trash bin, which only makes things more complicated and goes back to part of the issue of making things more complicated just makes me more messy. He hasn’t even met her face to face yet, and I had to literally prove him wrong to get him to actually take my side.

Hey, nonnie! I'm sorry this happened. It sounds like a complicated situation, and though I know this ask is old and I'm sure the situation has resolved or at least changed by now, I hope you know that it's absolutely fair to have that boundary to not want to live with someone who shows up unannounced and criticises the way the house looks.

I mean, I've lived in rented places for the past 7 years of my life, and I get that when you move into a new place that has been lived in by others, you want to clean everything a bit just to feel comfortable inside it. Maybe this is a me thing, but I always clean and disinfect the surfaces and cabinets before I start to fill the place with my things. Otherwise I get really uncomfortable and constantly feel like I need to wash my hands and like I don't want to touch anything. Not necessarily because I think it's full of germs or bacteria—I just like having control and knowledge of what's been in contact with the things I touch in my living space 😅

But it's one thing to have that need to clean up your new living space, and another thing entirely to show up whenever you want to before said space is ready for you and start making comments about the conditions the space is in. And while I do think your personal history can be a part of why this affected you more than maybe it would've affected someone else, that doesn't change the fact that they had no right to show up unannounced like that, and you have a right to set boundaries and be taken seriously.

Sending a virtual hug ❤️

[utterlyinevitable]

Time Bomb

III.

I.  |   II.

Pairing: Dr. Ethan Ramsey x F!MC (Dr. Rebecca Lao) Word Count: 3.2k Warning: angst, trauma, panic attack Summary: OHSY Chapter 13 rewrite with the trauma we should have had.

A/N: I was going to have this be one long fic but it read just as jumpy as the canon chapter so imma split it up into 3-4 parts. I’ve been sitting on this for weeks and not really happy with it but yolo it’s as good as it’s gonna get! Enjoy 💗

________________________________________

III.

Following an all-too-short lunch with Jackie, Becca reposed in the residents lounge for the rest of the day, alone, save for the somewhat reassuring chime of silence which was suspended throughout the room, and a riveting new journal that she held in her hands as she waited on labs to come back for her only patient, Farley. 

Esme stepped inside the newly renovated room, closing the thick wooden door behind her and spinning a pen anxiously between her fingers. The atmosphere changed immediately - whatever calmness Becca found in this modern solitude vanished with her enigma of an intern’s presence. She moved to sit across from Becca without saying a word. 

The two of them sat there in complete silence for a bit. The only sound was the rattling of the central heating from behind the ceiling panels and the taps of the pen Esme was still spinning between her hands. 

Becca folded the article on her lap. She couldn’t focus on it anyway. 

“Esme? Everything okay?”  

It was impossible to miss the sullen look on Esme’s face - as if the weight of the world was resting on her shoulders and crushing her completely. She looked at Becca for a long moment, never meeting her eyes. Esme’s stare scanned the resident before her; the one resident responsible for her mentorship, the one she’s supposed to trust, the one who’s known to have faced great ethical dilemmas. All Esme could see was the same struggle staring back at her - only worse. 

“Not really,” she huffs, crumpling back into the couch cushion. “It's Levi. His situation... it's really getting to me.” She took a pause to lick her dry lips. Then dove into the guilt eating away at her, “He's in so much pain every minute of every day. He's miserable, Becca. His whole life is agony, and he can't even tell anyone. I put my stethoscope to his chest a few days ago, and he teared up.” 

Becca could tell Esme was trying not to cry, hiding her emotions behind the brick wall her angry tone provided. Trying to be strong. For whom had yet to be determined.   

“Could you live like that?” 

“Honestly…” Becca sighed as she bit her cheek, “I don't know.” 

The last two weeks had Becca contemplating her own existence more than ever - a unwarranted side effect of escaping death. And in all those restless hours she hadn’t settled on a solid statement. She hadn’t found the right words to completely encompass and make sense of the endless agony tearing her apart. 

She wished she could have switched places with Danny and Bobby; it was her fault they got caught in the crossfire. But Becca was selfish. So selfish for not wanting to die. 

Rebecca Carolina Lao did not want to die. She could not die.

She’d worked hard her entire life - devoted her youth to her studies and cultivating the best resume she could. Her life had only just begun. She finally had the career of her dreams and… 

What else is there to live for? 

Those around her. Her friends. Her family miles away. 

She couldn’t leave them. What would her mom be like if she had died without saying goodbye? She was strong but no one is strong enough to bury their child. Would she have her buried, or cremated and kept close to her heart? How would her roommates cope with the loss of another friend? How would they cope with taking on her share of the bills on top of inevitably losing their jobs in a few months? Who would pack up all her stuff and where would it all go? 

Becca didn’t know any of these answers because she wasn’t in that position. 

Through all of her pain, she fought like hell to stay. 

As she sat in front of Esme, Becca’s mind briefly wandered to what it would be like to be in Levi’s position. If she couldn’t hold anyone’s hand anymore, or hold a pen or a book without pain… or kiss Ethan… 

Would she be strong enough to live without everything she holds dear? 

No. 

She could not imagine her life ending any time soon. 

“So what do I do for him, Becca? How do I help?”

The pen stopped rotating and the heating system lulled to a dull hum. 

“You try... To respect his wishes,” she said with a resolute nod. “That could mean finding new experimental treatments, or it could mean accepting the fact that he doesn't want any more surgeries, even if you think they might help. He doesn't have any good choices right now. You have to make sure he knows you care about him first and foremost.”

The damaged girls looked at one another. The words settled and the air shifted.   

Esme balled her fists against the loose fabric of her scrubs at her thighs. “Yeah... that makes sense.”

“Levi's been through a lot, and it makes sense that he doesn't want to get his hopes up for no reason. But it's your job to try to get him well.” 

“I just wish I believed we could actually do that. Fix him.” Esme sniffled and wiped her eyes on her sleeve, straightening up resolutely. 

Becca’s eyes softened. She remembered how it felt with her first terminal patients. That absolute helplessness didn’t compare - not any more. 

The thing about being terminal - the silver lining - is foresight. People with incurable conditions have time to come to terms with dying. They have time to make amends. They have time to live the rest of their days on their terms. They have time to say goodbye. 

Unlike Danny and Bobby. 

Esme rose to her feet, wild determination in her eyes. “Levi's an amazing guy. I'm gonna help him... somehow.”  

“He is,” a small smile pricked the corners of Becca’s lips. “I'm glad he has you to look after him.” 

“Thanks, Becca. This really helped.” The standoffish intern smiled back and headed off towards her mission. 

And once again Becca was left alone in eerie silence.  

***

Stir crazy and mind bouncing too much for the walls of the small lounge to handle, Becca decided to make laps around the hospital. She spent the rest of her afternoon reacquainting herself with the wards and spending time comforting premature babies in the NICU. 

Babies. 

How can you be sad around babies? So full of life and promise... 

Becca was walking past the E.R. on her way to check on Farley when she ran into Ethan. 

His face lit up when he saw her; she looked better. She had pulled her hair back into a neater bun and there was a ghost of a smile present among her features. Looking up at him there seemed to be a glow about her, glowing in the faint way that only someone with a new lease on life could. Maybe Ethan was wrong. Maybe she did need to come back to work and face her fears head on. Maybe what was best for her was the distraction and promise of doing good. For once he hoped beyond all hope that his assessment would be proven wrong. 

The sweet coloring in his eyes sparkled and the small cracks of crow's feet peeping at the corners sent a joyful warmth throughout Becca’s body. Just the sight of him gave her enough purchase to let out a large gust of air and with it most of her reserved tension. 

Ethan. 

He was here and she was safe. 

For a fraction of a moment they both forgot they were still in the hospital. 

“I've just been with your landlord,” he said slightly softer than his normal cadence, giving them both reason to stand closer in the busy lobby.  

“How is he?” Becca shoved her hands deep into the pockets of her coat, keeping herself from reaching out to him in such a public place.  

Their eyes never strayed from one another. The sparkle in his azure’s matched the glow of her heart as she gazed at him. 

“A pain in the ass.” The sides of Ethan’s mouth perked upwards just a hair. “Medically, however, I'm waiting to see if any bacteria shows up in his cultures. If he has meningitis, we'll need to-” 

Suddenly, the ambulance bay doors burst open cutting him off. Their heads whipped towards the door where an EMT was wheeling a new patient in.  

With skilled precision the EMT rattled off. “I have a patient here. Unconscious female, 50's.” 

Becca and Ethan took a brief look around the E.R., but the few doctors on duty were busy with other urgent cases. 

“We'll take her,” he says just as Becca’s feet carried her to the gurney in an adrenaline-fueled rush.   

Unconscious woman. Shallow breaths. 

Becca’s muscle memory took over well before her brain could catch up, gently slapping the nameless woman’s deathly pale cheek. Everything happened so fast. Becca’s vision was filtered by a vignette secluding her from the world. The only thing pulling attention at the center was the woman before her. This patient barely breathing and clinging to dear life. This patient with frayed graying hair, soft creases and a pale white face with a structure she’s seen before. 

This woman’s not going to die. 

Becca wouldn’t have it. On the third slap to her boney cheek the darkened edges faded and Becca could finally see the bigger picture. 

The moment she made contact, it clicked. 

Becca’s jaw dropped as she registered the features glaring back at her. 

“Oh my god…” she whispered to herself. 

This can’t be. 

Nervously looking over her shoulder Becca called, “Ethan,” 

He raised his brows, ready to jump in and help at her command. 

Before he could take a step forward Becca quickly elaborated, “It's your mom…” 

Time kept spinning and every second this patient came closer to losing life. 

For the first time in his career Ethan was rooted to the spot. 

Of course this would be how they meet after 25 years. The universe had been playing a sick and morbid joke on him lately - Dolores, Naveen, Becca, and now the woman who was dead to him long ago. 

“Ma'am?” Becca tapped her again, trying to jostle her awake. 

Becca’s eyes further assessed the woman’s state. Blue lips and fingertips. Memories jolted through her on the backs of the numbing adrenaline of her first ever case with Ethan - 

She’s losing life. 

Just like Danny and Bobby and... 

Becca pushed the constricting feeling of paralyzation aside. This woman cannot die on her watch. Another life will not be taken from her. Regardless of who they are.   

Ethan watched Becca move frantically around that woman. The reassuring color she finally found had drained from her face completely. Without having to ask he knew how Becca was feeling, because he felt it too. 

He didn’t want to help this patient. He wanted to turn on his heels and let the powers that be take control. To let whatever power that took her away from them all those years ago to come and take her away now. He couldn’t look at her. The nerve of that woman. But Ethan Ramsey took an Oath and there was a patient who needed his expert care. 

With herculean effort Ethan shook himself out of his trance and leapt into action a split second later.  

“How's her breathing? Listen to her chest,” he instructed.  

“Shallow. Pupils are small and unresponsive…” Becca responds, moving to check their patient’s arms for any telling signs. 

And she finds one. 

Track marks. 

She bit back the gasp threatening to call Ethan’s attention. 

Ethan… 

As much as Becca wanted to protect him from this - from the deep seeded, constant pain his mother inflicts - her job came first. Becca was a doctor and her attending needed to know the diagnosis. 

“It looks like an opioid overdose. We need to wake her up.” 

She didn’t take her eyes off of his mother, willing her awake with every fibre of her fragile being. Calling up to that invisible force that spared her life only weeks ago for just one more favor. Just one more delay to the inevitable. She greedily needed her to survive. Needed his mother to open her eyes - there was no other option. 

Death would not come today.  

“Louise?” Ethan finally acknowledged the woman. His voice bellowing, pricking goosebumps on Becca’s skin. “Dammit!” 

Ethan brushed past Becca and ground his knuckles into his mother’s sternum. 

“Hnnng…” Louise whined; her eyes opened for a moment and Becca caught the same baby blues blankly staring at her then rolled back in her head. 

No.

Doe eyes wide and full of diluted terror Becca announced, “I'll get the naloxone.” 

She hurried to find a bottle of the drug in a cabinet by the nurses station, quickly preparing an injection in her unfaltering hands as she moved back towards the gurney in ten steps. Then without an ounce of hesitation, stabbed the needle into Louise’s shoulder. Ethan’s mother drew a deep, shuddering breath, eyes fluttering as she slowly pulled out of her unconscious state. 

Becca’s breath caught up with her. 

She’s alive.

That was all the assurance Ethan needed. 

“Alright, she'll make it.” Ethan pulled his rubber gloves off and stepped away from the gurney and where Becca still rooted beside it. 

“Nurse? Keep an eye on her. We're done here.” 

Becca wasn't done. She was sinking in the feelings surrounding her. She felt like she was drowning in the onslaught of waves overtaking her - waning adrenaline, fear, terror, inadequacy, remembrance. Death looked her in the face again today. She evaded him once more. 

Becca 3, Death 2. 

What quarter were they in? When will this duel finish? 

She doesn’t know. It’s an inevitable prolonging. A battle she won’t win for long. 

When is the end? 

She’s consciously terrified of losing. 

Becca’s rooted in place as the waves began rolling towards her. Everyone moves around her in fluid sweeps. She sees nothing and everything all at once. Her line of sight coated in blanched static. 

When the nurse took over and shook her out of her trance, Becca noticed Ethan promptly striding from the room without another word. This wasn’t the Ethan she knew; he would never leave a patient this soon. And this wasn’t a patient… it’s his mother… who nearly died if it wasn’t for him… 

Becca swallowed her bile of trauma and chased after him through the storm; 

“Ethan!” 

The haunting she felt in her core didn’t matter. The shadow taking tallies over her shoulder didn’t matter. None of that mattered. She had to push past it all and be strong for him now.

He was elusive. She didn’t even hear his footsteps stomping through the hall and rattling through her, not even the vibrations ricocheting off the steel foundations. His long legs couldn’t have taken him too far. Scanning the corridor, Becca noticed the door to the on-call room a second away from shutting. 

Ethan.   

She finds Ethan hunched over a cot in the empty on call room. The room is dark - only one clinical light is glowing in the far corner of the cramped room. His hands balled into tight fists, the whites of his knuckles reflecting the little light away from his crumpled face. 

She gingerly sat down beside him and ran a gentle hand over his back. 

“Ethan?” Becca whispered a few moments later “Are you alright?” 

Warm air flowed indignantly between them. 

“She does not get to do this to me.” He huffed in his deep voice laden with the sentiment of a broken child. ”She does not get to make me feel bad for her.”

“I’m sorry.” Becca couldn’t say anything louder than a whisper. Her own despair still gripped into her like a vice.  

“Don't be.” Ethan shrugged bitterly, though not enough for her to let up on her calming caresses. “This has nothing to do with me. That woman isn't anyone I know.”

She rested her head against his shoulder. They let silence hang and their minds clear. It was Becca who asked the most pressing question from their earlier observations: 

“Do you think your dad knows she’s using?” 

“...I don't know.” 

He grinds his hands further into his eye sockets, willing the newest image of that woman from his minds eye. Becca continued soothing rubs up and down his back and placed her chin on his shoulder so she could look at him more closely. 

“It’s okay to be sad,” she mutters. 

“I'm not sad. I'm... I'm…” Ethan dropped his hands and they hung between the gap of his legs. His eyes squeezed shut and she can make out the small droplets trapped against his lashes. “Angry.” 

“That's okay, too.” Her free hand moved to begin tracing nonsensical patterns over the thin, starchy fabric at his forearm. “Anything you're feeling right now is okay.”

His clouded eyes flew open. 

“I'm…” he begins to speak before pressing his lips together tightly. 

He huffed, shoving off her embrace and stands. 

“I have to get back to work.” 

“That was your mom, Ethan. She nearly died. You can take a minute. It's okay--” she began to plead. 

Becca was trying to beg him to stay. To lock the door and let them hold one another for a while. So that they can fall apart and patch one another up with unconditional affection. She needed this just as much as she knew he did. 

But Ethan didn’t give her the chance to ask, to make the all too enticing proposition as he bound across the room. He didn’t even bother to turn around; his eyes shut tightly and hand reached for the metal knob. He inhaled a deep cleansing breath; 

“No, it isn't. There are patients that need me much more than she does.” There was a finality in his tone that frightened her. 

Becca’s jaw slacked. 

Ethan didn’t leave a second for her rebuttal. For her to beg. Not even a quirk of the neck in her direction to see the matching brokenness in their eyes.  

The door shut loudly behind him, his footsteps echoed down the hall. 

She wanted to chase after Ethan. He needed her now more than ever. Another person in his life could have been gone in a swift, unforgiving instant. If the effects of seeing their patient on the brink of death was this bad for her she could only imagine what he was going through. Though Becca couldn't move, couldn’t force herself to run through the halls and break down the barriers he’s just put up sky high. He’s pushing her away again; she can feel it. 

Resigned, Becca gave up the great fight. 

When the rattling of his exit dissipated and all that reached her ears was an unnerving peace, she laid down, hugging the plastic wrapped pillow tightly to her body. It smelt like clean and disinfectant and morbidly hospital-like. She wasn’t able to lose herself in this horrid smell. She ripped off the case with as much strength as she could muster, freeing the mass-produced cushion. The squish of the mildly firm pillow through the hypoallergenic fabric wasn’t helping. It still carried all she needed to forget. Rolling to face the wall, curling into a tight ball and burrowing her face in the pillow she let out a vital, subdued scream. The damn was shattered and her emotions spiraled freely for the first time in days. 

Everything was all too much.

________________________________________

Masterlist

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[oboevallis]

Would u write one about Christopher been fine and healthy a little bit of pregnancy, deliver and also after that like been a first mom alone please?

christopher

thank you so much for the prompt!!!! i hope you enjoy this, i hope everyone is doing well and staying safe!!!

“And he’s okay?” Amelia asked Addison.

“Perfectly fine.” Addison smiled brightly, she had been concerned about this appointment especially since she had waited so long for an ultrasound.

“Good.” Amelia let out a breath she hadn’t realized she was holding in. “And your sure? I didn’t wait too long and the drugs didn’t mess him up?”

“I promise, there seems to be no abnormalities on the ultrasound.” Addison assured, grabbing the neurosurgeons hand in a sign of comfort.

“Thank you Addie.”

“Yep, just keep taking care of yourself.” Amelia nodded in agreement, excited for the impending arrival of her son.

_______________________________________

“Amelia? What are you doing?” Addison asked as she stepped into her room.

“Umm, I’m moving out.” Amelia nervously said, she didn’t want the latter finding out by her packing away her stuff in boxes.

“What? Why?” The OB asked as she walked over to a box observing the contents.

“I love you Addie and I appreciate you so much for everything you’ve done but for my sobriety I need to do this on my own.” Amelia stated, as she rubbed her growing bump. “I’ve already got an apartment near the practice, it’s going to be okay.”

“When we’re you planning on telling me this?”

“I honestly was gonna wait until I moved in.”

“I don’t like this.” Addison crossed her arms across her chest.

“It’s going to be just fine. I need to do this on my own.” Amelia smiled reassuringly.

“Okay, you always have a home here though.”

“Thank you.”

_______________________________________

Addison set down the last box onto the floor of the apartment floor. “That’s the last of it.”

“Yep.” Amelia smiled turning around to look at her sister, this was the first time she was truly living on her own. In college, internship and residency she always had roommates. Even when she lived in LA she roomed with her ex sister-in-law. She pulled the OB into a hug, and whispered thank you.

“Well I have surgery, don’t be picking up any of these boxes, I don’t want you overexerting yourself before your due date. Wait till someone comes to help you.”

“Stop worrying Addie.” Amelia chuckled before she shut the door behind the woman. She sat herself down on the couch, and looked around at the empty apartment filled with boxes. She laid herself down length ways and waited until Charlotte came to help her unpack.

________________________________________

“Derek?” Addison asked shocked when she saw her ex husband on the surgical floor. “What are you doing here?”

“Operating with Sam.”

“Oh, wow okay Sam didn’t mention it, I have to go scrub in.”

“Nice seeing you.” Derek called out and Addison smiled as she walked away. Once she got into her ORs scrub room, she tried to contain her nervousness. She knew Amelia didn’t tell her family about her pregnancy and she wasn’t ready to do so yet.

After a successful surgery she made her way into the attendings lounge to find Sam and Derek laughing. It brought her back to their med school days and their residency.

“How’s your surgery go?” Addison asked the two men in the room.

“It was good, I miss operating with this guy.” Sam said whilst smiling. Addison nodded as she awkwardly stood off to the side. “You okay Addison? You seem off.”

“Yep, I’m fine.” She quickly said grabbing her stuff and exiting the room.

“She probably just acting weird because I’m in town.” Derek assured his old friend

“Yeah, want to come over to my place for a drink?”

“Can I catch up with you later? I was gonna go visit my sister.” Derek asked.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah swing by tonight.”

________________________________________

Amelia sighed as she channel surfed, trying to find something that wouldn’t destroy her brain cells. Her and Charlotte had emptied most of the boxes, and the apartment was set up and livable for a baby. A knock on the door distracting her from the TV, she hoisted herself off of the couch and headed for the door, assuming Charlotte forgotten something here.

“Derek?” She asked in shock as she opened the door.

“Oh, y-your pregnant?” Her brother asked taken aback.

“Um, yeah.” She stepped aside allowing her brother into her apartment. “How’d you know I lived here?”

“Sam told me. Now why didn’t you tell me you were pregnant?”

“I forgot?” She tried, unconvincingly. As she carefully sat down on the couch.

“Does mom know?” He asked sitting next to his sister. He had a million questions and wanted to be mad at his sister, but right now he was in a mix of shock and awe.

“Do you think mom knows?” She nervously chuckled, playing with the skin around her nail.

“That was a stupid question.” Derek chuckled, he looked around the apartment. “I guess it’s been awhile.”

“How’s Meredith and Zola?” Amelia asked desperately wanted to change topics.

“Good good, I’m sure Lizzies already blabbed it to the whole family. Meredith is pregnant.”

“Congratulations!” Amelia smiled. “And Lizzie actually hasn’t said anything, not like I talk to them though.”

“You should call mom, seriously.”

“And hear a lecture, no thanks Derek.”

“You won’t hear a lecture from her, she’ll be excited.”

“Oh I’m sure she’ll be thrilled her unmarried, alone, drug addict daughter is pregnant.” The youngest shepherd sarcastically said.

“Recovering addict.” Derek emphasized. “Is everything okay though?”

“Yeah, he’s good.” Amelia smiled brightly.

“It’s a boy.” Derek chuckled, taking his sisters hand in his. “Your gonna be a great mom.”

“I don’t know, I hope so. This baby deserves better than me.”

“Amelia, you’ve been through so much causing you to grow into an incredibly kind person. Parenthood is hard, really hard. You’ll get through it though, and your baby is going to be so loved. If you want me to, I can get you a job in Seattle, you can move in.”

“I need to do this on my own, for my sobriety, and for my baby.”

“Eww, your such a grown up now.” Derek laughed as he pulled his little sister into a hug.

________________________________________

“I can’t do this Addie.” Amelia cried as she allowed herself to fall back onto the hospital bed.

“Yes you can.” Addie encouraged, holding her hand as the neurosurgeon cried.

“Your almost there.” Jake reassured at the bottom of the bed.

“Ryan should be here.” She yelled through gritted teeth.

“I know.” Addison moved a strand of hair out of the younger woman’s face. “But in a matter of minutes your baby is going to be here, focus on the good.”

“I-I can’t do this I’m gonna screw this kid up.”

“Amy your not gonna screw this kid up.” She looked at the woman who was like her sister helplessly. She’d seen countless women give birth alone, but it was heartbreaking watching her sister have to experience it. She kicked off her shoes and situated herself behind Amelia, the neurosurgeon immediately leaning into her.

“I need you to push.” Jake told the woman, who nodded and tightened her grip on her sisters hands. Within the next ten minutes her cries were no longer her own, but her sons. She laughed in a mix of awe and relied as her son was placed on her chest, he was perfectly healthy.

“He’s beautiful.”

“Good job, Amy.” Addison smiled kissing the top of her sisters head, admiring the baby.

“He has Ryan’s eyes.” She noted looking at the baby, as he looked up at her.

“What’s his name?” Jake asked.

“Christopher.” Amelia smiled, happily. “Christopher Ryan Shepherd.”

[helenarlett-rex]

So for those of you who don’t follow my personal life enough to know, (and I can’t blame you for that) I am a trans woman. As is Violet, my wife. Violet recently reconnected with her formerly estranged mother, who was once a conservative christian but has now remarried to a Buddhist and become very open minded. Her mother and new stepfather have been aware of me and my relationship with their daughter for some time now and have been supportive of it, but because they live in Texas and Violet and I live in Tennessee, I had never met them. Until just recently. I got to meet my new parent-in-laws over zoom the other day and I was pleasantly surprised by how... nice they were... They never once dead-named me. They never dead-named Violet. (Which kind of expected to happen at least out of habit if nothing else.) They were very friendly and eager to get to know me. And are even arraigning for us to fly out to TX to spend some time with them in person. I’m kind of... shocked I guess...

It just feels so weird to have people accepting of me and my relationship. It’s like... this is my family now... and they don’t even care that I’m trans or in a same-sex relationship... That’s a complete contrast from my own bio-family and how they feel about these things. My bio-parents and my siblings would disown me if they ever found out half the things about me. Me being trans... me being in a same-sex relationship... the fact that I write erotic literature as a career... Hell, I’m not even sure they’d be okay with me being asexual... I don’t think me saying “I don’t have sexual attractions” on it’s own would upset them, but if anyone ever tried to point out that asexual counts as a part of the LGBT+ community they would instantly deny it and try to use warped logic to prove that it isn’t. Then they’d probably go on to say that asexuality is not a sexuality and try to spin it as celibacy... Probably accuse me of just going through a phase and tell me I haven’t met the right person... Anything to avoid having those letters attached to me... But now I’m trailing off. The point is they are just those kind of people. Violet and I have been living together for years and I refuse to move and go somewhere else without her. To the point where the last time they suggested I relocate they actually offered to help Violet move with me. And yet as far as they are concerned, we are just roommates. They refuse to see that we are a couple when it’s kind of painfully obvious that we are. The only way they are ever going to accept the fact that we are a couple is if I flat out tell them. And if I do that they’ll disown me. If I wasn’t so financially unstable and still relying on them a lot more than I wish I had to, I probably wouldn’t still be in the closet about being trans and constantly having to pass myself off as a man every time someone from my family comes to visit. They’d disown me for that too.

If I didn’t have to keep relying on them every time I end up in trouble I’d be more than happy to say, “You know what? Let them disown me. It’s not worth it keeping up the act...” But then something like unexpected emergency dental surgery always rolls along and I end up having to call my Mom and being like, “Hey Mom... so I have to have a tooth removed and I don’t actually have the money to pay for that right now...”

But the point is I have parent-in-laws now who not only know all the stuff about me that my bio-parents don’t, but they accept it and are actually happy to have me as a part of the family. It’s just a really weird feeling and I don’t know how to handle it. This just isn’t the kind of thing I was raised to deal with. It’s like... hold on... Family isn’t supposed to love and support me... They are supposed to angrily scream at me for every decision I’ve ever made... Especially the ones I didn’t have any choice over... You are supposed to be yelling and condemning me and then breaking down into tears to guilt me into doing what you want... That’s the only kind of family I’ve even been trained to deal with... My new father-in-law is offering to help with me getting started on HRT...? How am I supposed to deal with that?!

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #375

“why do i see her, the never-ending night  /  why do i see her, wearing nothing but the dark?”

Who’s one person who changed how you viewed something? I hold Rhett & Link responsible for "curing" my homophobia. I went through a phase where I shipped them like CRAZY, and they're still my "OTP," and it really made me question why I had such a disgusting belief. The switch was officially flipped when listening to their podcast with Hannah Hart, who discussed growing up as a lesbian surrounded by homophobia. Let me tell you, it felt fucking good to let that repulsive belief go. It was my former religion that tied me to it, but it could no longer be an excuse to me, even when I stayed Christian a while longer. And here I am now as a bisexual woman who wants to deck younger me dead in the face. :') Were you ever scared of driving? What scared you about it? I am TERRIFIED of driving. I'm most scared of getting in a wreck and killing somebody, something I would never. Ever. Ever. Forgive myself for. I'm also petrified of, once again, getting in a wreck and I wind up paralyzed from the neck down. The most memorable time that you skipped school, what did you do? Nothing very exciting. What was the last topic you did thorough research on? Why? Toxic masculinity for an essay in college. What is a dish you absolutely love, but hate to prepare yourself? I don't cook, so. Of the many different American accents, which one is your favorite? New York. Is there anything hanging from the doorknob in your room? No. Why did you move to where you’re living now? Because we had to get out of our former house because the growing mold problem was a health hazard (especially for Mom, given her then-recent cancer diagnosis), and our family friend newly owned this house as a part of the former resident's will. Said resident knew Mom as well and the house problems, so she wanted Tobey to help us into this house anyway. What’s your opinion on wearing pajamas in public? Do you yourself do that? I literally couldn't care less. I do it a lot. Do you usually fill up at the same gas station? No; Mom just pays attention to the price. Are you currently looking for a new job? No. I don't plan to until I'm done with TMS therapy. Are any of your relatives musicians? No. Have you ever had an asthma attack? Thank goodness no. My mom has asthma and I have seen her have an attack, so I know they're terrifying. Have you ever been in a hospital and not felt safe? There was one occasion during a psych hospital stay that my roommate had WILD anger issues. She would explode out of seemingly NOWHERE, to the point once or twice she had to be put in solitary because she would literally scream and damage shit, like throwing tables and such. She scared the piss out of me to the point I finally plucked up the courage to tell the nurses that I needed a different room. What’s the highest fever you’ve ever had? I don't remember. Have you ever been hospitalized for a day or more? At psych hospitals. I think my shortest visit was just shy of a week. Have you ever had surgery? Two. Are you lonely? I'm admittedly very lonely. Are you mad at someone right now? No. Do you eat late at night? I sometimes need a small midnight or so snack because I cannoooooooot sleep when my stomach is growling. If I'm in basically any sort of discomfort, I have extreme trouble sleeping. Who do you miss? A lot of people. I miss Jason, Megan, Mini, Hannia, Emily, Journee... I don't feel like dwelling on those I've lost. Who do you admire most? Mark. If you could transform into any animal what would it be and why? Maybe a cat. Quick, agile, stealthy, majestic, well-equipped to defend itself... sounds pretty good. Are you more artistic or mathematical? Definitely more artistic. Which supermarket do you usually shop at? Wal-Mart. When was the last time you went to McDonald’s? I'm not sure, but it's been a while. Maybe around a month. What was the last chocolate bar you ate? I believe I had a 3 Musketeers because I was really craving one. Who was the last person you talked to on Skype/video chat? The woman who was doing my evaluation to determine if I was a good fit for TMS therapy. Can you remember the first time you ever talked to the person you love/like? Does he/she remember? I think I might have a vague idea, but I don't really remember. Would you be able to have a relationship with someone you didn’t find attractive, if they had a nice personality and treated you well? Yep. It sounds cheesy, but I do mean it when I say a beautiful inside blossoms into the body itself for me personally. Does the last person you kissed have brown eyes? Yes. Have you ever really liked someone to begin with, then changed your mind about them? I guess you could say Girt, because I had a pretty big crush on him when I started HS. We were just friends for way too long that when we finally dated years upon years later, it felt much too weird. He really was my "brother from another mother" by that point. Has anyone ever told you that they wanted to spend the rest of their life with you? Aaaaand he left. :^) If you decided to dye your hair, would you choose to go lighter or darker? Lighter. I want to dye my hair pastel colors so very badly. Do you know what the Enneagram is and if so, what’s your type? INFP. Do you listen to Mayday Parade? I only know "Terrible Things," which I positively adore. Do you have trouble falling asleep at night? I have an extremely hard time sleeping at night. It's honestly one reason I sometimes sleep so much during the day. Are you on a laptop, desktop or phone/iPod? A laptop. Have you ever been so angry that you screamed out of nowhere? I've screamed into a pillow. What’s the longest movie you’ve ever watched? I dunno, maybe over three hours? What was the last thing you watched on Netflix or Hulu? I have no clue. What do you think about your current relationship status? I mean I miss being in love and having someone who sees a future with me, but I know in the deepest part of me that it's wiser that I stay single until I figure some things out. Of most concern, I don't have a job or even a confident sign I'll have one soon, I'm not in school headed for a career, I don't drive, I don't cook... I'm a liability, financially and in other ways. It wouldn't be fair to my partner or even myself to go into a relationship with a heavy risk of heartbreak because I'm taking too long to get to where I want to be. I'm 25 now - if/when I get into a relationship, I want forever, and I'm not wasting time on anyone for almost inevitable failure as romantic partners. I want to AT LEAST have a steady job before I enter another relationship. How many people have you kissed? Three or four. Do you go out on dates? I have no one to go on a date with. Do you kiss on the first date? I never have and probably wouldn't, but I guess if things went very well and I was really into the person, maybe I would. What’s the farthest you’ve gone with someone? Doing to do. Would you rather receive a stuffed animal, flowers, or chocolate? I'd really appreciate any. I think flowers are sorta overrated though honestly, like someone ripped some healthy flowers from their roots and doomed them to a quickly-approaching death, but society still has a part of me thinking "oh that's sweet." I think more than anything, I'd be crazy over a meerkat plushy. Or would expensive jewelry just be fine? You really don't have to do that for me; I don't really wear much jewelry at all anyway. Odds are you'd be wasting your money. What’s the cheesiest romantic gift you’ve ever received? I don't know. Do you like romantic poetry? Yessssssssss. Have you ever been rickrolled? I'm unsure. Do you like bologna? Yeah. It was my favorite lunch meat as a kid. Have you ever had a nose bleed? Yes. Have you ever puked on a fair ride before? No, because I don't go on rides that generally induce that sort of risk. What animals have you ridden? Just ponies. What is your parents' idea of grounding you? Taking away my access to the computer. Dragons or unicorns? Dragons! Do you wish vampires existed? Uh, no. At the moment what is your favorite song? I'm going through another phase of really digging "Castle of Glass" by Linkin Park. Have you ever been pantsed? No. What is your favorite magazine? I don’t read any. Did you ever like Barbies? Do you currently like Barbies? I never really was, I just played with them when my little sister wanted to. I was more into playing with my dinosaurs and Pokemon and stuff. I'm not into them now, either. What’s your favorite hit song right now? I don't know what songs are "hits" right now. What’s your favorite element? (fire, water, air) Fire, aesthetically. Have you ever been to a wild party? Nah. Do you put on a robe when it’s cold? I don't own a robe. Is the last person you kissed gay? She's demisexual. What breed was the last dog you saw? She's some sort of hound mix. We think there might be dalmatian in her, too. What type of day are you having? It's been all right. I'm just REALLY not feeling this damn heat. Driving an hour and back to the TMS office in a car that has no A/C is agony. Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced? It's been pierced multiple times, and I want to do it again, but this time with a nostril hoop versus a stud so the goddamn thing stays in. Do you prefer warm or cold weather? I have an incredibly strong preference for cold weather. Fuck the heat. Like just 70*F is "too hot" to me. Who was the last person you talked to in person? My mom. Do you hate the person you fell hardest for? No. Do you like rain? Yes, but I don't like being caught out in it. I just like looking at and listening to it. Have you ever liked somebody and never told them? Yep. Do you like to cuddle? If I really like you and it's not too hot, yeah. Are you shy? I'm excruciatingly shy. If you were paid 1 million dollars to spend the night in a supposed haunted house, would you? Hunny, I'd do that for free. Which do you like better- zebra print or leopard print? I'm not really a fan of either particular pattern on anything but the animal. Do you have any stickers on your car? I don't have my own car, but Mom has one that allows her to park in her old school's parking lot. Do you watch Pretty Little Liars? No. My sister Misty, tho

[universe-in-the-void-in-the-cube]

I think I figured out my core problem in life.

Drama! 

And before you get up on me for it, just take a breather and listen to me while I’ll explain myself.

For as long as I can remember all I have known is negativity, stress and drama in my life. Basic timeline of my life.

Age 2 to 3 - As my first memories I lived in cockroach infested apartment complex, inhaled lead based paint fumes and I broken my wrist from climbing up a slide backwards. 

Age 3 to 4 -  Moved into a shitty 70s build trailer house in tornado prone Oklahoma experience in tornadoes for the first time and getting lost in the mall. 

Age of 4 to 5 - Moved from Oklahoma to Washington. Lived with grandparents before my dad got a job and found us a home.

Age 5 to 8 - Moved to a new apartment complex, get bulled and beat up by the kids at school, get lost walking home from a friends house, get on the wrong public bus on the first day of kindergarten. Having to become a big sister to a new baby girl and experiencing my first major volcanic eruption. Yes I lived in Tacoma when the 1980 eruption of Mt. St. Helens happened. 

Age 8 to 9 - Get beat up and bullied at school so badly that CPS was called and I was taken away from my parents and placed in a foster home with abusive foster parents the refused to let me drink ANY liquids and made me sleep on the floor with cockroaches, mice and rats for a week. Before being move to my grandparents for the summer then to a new foster home with a foster mother that had dementia before being returned to my parents January 1st of the following year. And transforming schools as well and forced to go to therapy that seemed a bit off.

Age 9 to 11 - Move back in with parents, mother blames me for being taken away by CPS, tells me that I am to old to play with toys of any kind and force to go to therapy that somehow didn’t feel quite right. Mom goes through her first religious zealot stage. And I broke my left leg, underneath the kneecap on Valentine’s day of all days, and the doctors office didn’t think I broke it and had me on a damn splint for a week till my parents took me to the major children’s hospital where they did tons more x-rays than my normal doctors office did and found out I did brake my leg. And when they took off the cast the first time they realized they set my leg wrong and had to rebreak it and reset it so I have knee problems till this day.

Age 11 to 12 - Forced to move again because new apartment complex owners kicked every one out, and had to live with my dad’s brother, his brother’s wife and 4 cousins in a one bedroom house with the basement converted to 4 bedrooms that had a bad problem of getting flooded when there was to much rain. Get transferred to a new school that was so backwards that my education and grades nosed dived and badly, and moving to two homes in less than a year. As well as starting my period for the first time.

Age 12 to 14 - Go to middle school for the first time, get bullied again and sexually harassed and totally confused about things and mom goes through religious zealot stage 2 and start getting emotionally and mentally abused by my mother. My grades drop even more. Wasn’t allowed to have a boyfriend.

Age 14 to 18 - Go high school, grades improved, mother becomes more controlling to the point I wasn’t allowed to go to school games, participate in sports or any other extra curricular activities, or any school dances. (I missed out on both my Jr. Prom and Sr. Ball), finally allowed to have a boyfriend who cheated on me with 4 other girls, 3 of which were my friends all at the same time. Mom ended up having throat cancer and a month after she had surgery my parents had to stay in an apartment in Seattle for chemo, my sister had to stay with my grandparents in another town and I lived at home alone as a latch key kid. Then my dad has a heart attack and I was the first one to be called and I had to call the entire family and I was by myself with no one to comfort me.

Age 18 to 19 - Graduate high school, my grandpa dies, get caught shop lifting, go to jail for a month, forced to go to Job Corps, met my husband, get kicked out of Job Corp and move back home, mom kicks me out to move is my future husband’s alcoholic step dad for a week, almost get raped by the prick, come home a week later get married. New husband’s mother visits me and my mom kicks me out of the house again and forces me to live with my mother-in-law who was a nasty alcoholic at the time while husband was still at Job Corp.

Age 19 to 25 - Live with mother-in-law, get in to fights, go to jail for domestic violence, get extremely sick with the stomach flu and almost die with an 105 temp and extremely dehydrated, and end up hurting my back by falling down the stairs hitting the area between my tail bone and lower back twice causing me to have back problems till this day. Go to collage as my husband goes to jail for writing bad checks and end up going through the first hints of emotional brake down.

Age 25 to 27 - Move into my first apartment with my husband alone. Have a slum lord as a landlord, first major blizzard and ice storm, get on SSI, doing good till one day I was cutting up meat and suddenly had the urge to cut myself. AKA my first psychological brake. Go to mental health after that. 

Age 27 to 32 - Move to my second apartment, having unintentional roommates put on me and my husband, then 911 happens, then get a series of earthquakes in the city I live in, get the room makes moved out, get a new one for a while that meets the cunt that ruined my life, get the dick head on again off again roommate and having to constantly deal with his shit, my dad dies, then my grandmother dies, get an inheritance, the cunt my second roommate knows gets jealous and accused my husband of being a pedo and arranges the situation by bribing the cops that interviewed my husband (since the detective on my husband’s case was friend with the cunt’s mother) and the judges with her mother’s money, husband goes to prison for 5 and a half years.

Age 32 to 40 - Living without my husband, on again off again roommate gets so drunk that he threatens to kill me so get a restraining order on him. Get coned by an asshole which causes me to loose money, computer and laptop brake, car gets stolen, have to sell the car or get it towed when I get the car back, have the asshole roommate move back in. Having to deal with his bullshit with his family and girlfriend to the point they are all living with me and my property gets stolen.

Age 40 to 45 - Husband gets out of jail, he is forced to not live with me or I will end up losing my housing. He ends up getting a job and everything is good. I get thyroid problem, sex drive plummets and he ends up cheating on me and getting the girl he was fucking pregnant, deal with my asshole roommate with is asshole girlfriend who are both addicted to meth and badly and do drugs in my home, more stuff get stolen. Find out that I am infertile and can never have kids when my husband told me what he did, get new management in the apartment complex that I live at for almost 20 years, they give me hell and force me to find a home in less than 30 days and do tons of illegal stuff to me and other tenants in the complex to the point one had their cancer (which was under remission) come back and kill the poor man causing him to die of cancer. 

Age 45 to 47 - Find a new apartment thanks to the old realtor company, still have the asshole roommate move in with me, losing about half of all my clothes and being in debt for a few months thanks to husband and the new realtors of the old apartment. Go to the hospital under suicide watch because of all the stress. then Covid 19 happens, drives my roommate to controlling situation and abusing me mentally and emotionally till I am nothing but an empty shell of a human being. Finally had enough, get a new restraining order on him, deal with a bed bug problem and feel like I am not going to make it then heater goes out then the lights and I have a nasty mental brake down and end up getting psychological help.

Age 47 to current - Get the bed bug problem fixed, get he heater fixed, roommate no longer lives with me, I am going to therapy and improving every day. All my bills are paid in full, I have food in my kitchen and enjoying life finally. The first time in my life I have never experienced stress and that negative aura of doom and gloom around me. But... it scares me since I am waiting for the other boot to drop since my life has NEVER been this peaceful and good EVER!!!

So because of this revelation. I believe that negativity, drama and stress is normal for me because that is all I have known in my life. To have a peaceful and content life is so abnormal and strange to me that it feels wrong and bad and I should feel guilty. Hell I do feel a strange sense of guilt to. But I shouldn’t feel that way. I should feel happy. So I need to be reprogramed so I can convinced that my current situation is what life should be and can be for me. Not doom and glove negative aura cloud surrounding me like a thick fog.

[geekkatsblog]

Grey's Anatomy Season 16x17 review.

What a messed up episode it was. So starting from the most messed up and going down.

______________________________________________________________________________

Tom Koracick He gets a section tomhimself today because honestly, his life is starting to get really complicate as was expected seeing that he's at Grey Sloan. Him and Teddy, somehow or the other I feel he's going to have the worst part of this stick. Teddy has Been in love with Owen since she even arrived at the hospital in season 6 (or 5 can't remember too clearly), but after loving someone for so long, chances are she isn't going to leave him now. She was hurt and scared because Owen could possibly have another child and he drops her like a hot potato for anyone so, with all her feelings she went to Tom and he of course slept with her because, he loves her a surprising amount. I wish that he could find the strength to tell her no, because he's going to wind up hurt and with the way everyone treats him. He's going to really be in an emotional hole after it all. As for him and Mr Billionaire. I always used to imagine scenarios like the one he proposed to Tom, but probably in a spy movie I didn't actually expect Tom to do it. He's going to end up using the money for his lawyer bills because he's not even going to have a chance if he's found out. His licenses will be gone and so will his life. He'll end up in jail along with the  billionaire. Who is clearly one of the dumbest geniuses I've ever seen. All of that because he's made a mistake and could be arrested. If his plan is found out he'll be as ruined as Tom. I don't like where that case is going. I like Tom but I don't think he should risk anything for that man who clearly thinks he's the s**t and I can definitely see Tom's emotional Grey's spiral coming. I wish him the best of luck.

______________________________________________________________________________

Teddy I think we should check her for a tumor or a mental illness as well because I don't know what happened to her. I would have never expected Teddy to be like this. She was one of the most respectable women on Grey's. I know that she was emotional but she has been pinning for Owen for Years and years and she didn't even think to talk to him? Come on Teddy and she's using Tom, Maggie's speech was spot on she's sleeping with Tom who is madly in love with her when she knows she loves Owen, like leave Tom out of it sleep with someone else. And her reaction when she told Owen that Amelia's baby could be his and she asks him where does that leave them. He apparently took 5 seconds to long and she walked away, come on Teddy..... you just told the man that he could possibly be the father of a 3rd baby and with another woman all under the under the age of 3 and you're upset he took 5 seconds before answering, now I'm no Owen fan but Jeeze give the guy some time to process before making assumptions and what she said about Amelia, thank God for Maggie because her reasoning for being angry at Amelia was crap, especially because she did the exact same thing with Owen so the real loser here is Owen and Tom. She needs to pull it together soon because I'm sure this isn't over even though Owen isn't the Father.

______________________________________________________________________________

Owen Karma's a bitch I guess I almost feel sorry for him, this is the best he's been in any relationship. He's in yet another love triangle with the same woman but this time he's not the one being chased. I also want to talk about his old school way of life. Why the he'll should Teddy have to plan the wedding herself, it's like Christina not wanting to have kids all over again. She's a surgeon and a mom, both of those things are full time job. You still plan your wedding with the wedding planner except they do all of the running around for you.if he wants a planned wedding so much he should do it himself and Teddy needs to learn to say no she's going to stress herself planning a wedding the same way she did making Halloween costumes.

______________________________________________________________________________

Richard Yet another painful one, not only is he quitting surgery he's also pushing the people who care about him further and further away. He was so angry I almost thought that he would have had to be committed. I am praying that Webber is not leaving as well even if he's not doing surgery he should teach or something Bailey was right the hospital needs him and the show sure as he'll does as well. He wants to sell his paths pen, do you Webber but ,make sure you come back. Maybe he'll make enough money that Catherine doesn't feel like she can buy him anymore. Where the he'll Is Catherine anyway? She's doing everything behind the scenes and as usual Bailey has to take the fall.

______________________________________________________________________________

Link/Amelia Yay, I think we can safely take Amelia out of the Owen, Teddy, Koracick thing because her and Link are back together and even better Link is the father. While I still don't agree with how the whole thing was handled I'm just glad that they're together again and the whole Amelia, Owen thing isn't going to start again. No more children deserve to be involved in that mess. Not to mention now we get to see more daddy Link. I know that they're going to definitely have more struggles along the road I mean after all this is Grey's but I at least hope that no more of those problems will include Owen Hunt.

______________________________________________________________________________

Jo Didn't know which last name to call her anymore. She's in a bad mood understandably but not in her need to get committed mood, which I'm glad for. The actress in real life is pregnant and I'm just wondering how that's going to be played off. It can't be written in that wouldn't make any sense but I was wondering if they're going to make Jo take some time off. She would definitely deserve it. I'm glad that she's not spiralling too much at least not yet. She's in a funk but like she said she'll pick herself up because she knows she deserves love.

______________________________________________________________________________

Deluca Is talking to a shrink but doesn't really think he needs it and coming from experience that's never a good thing. I hope he realizes it soon before it ruins him and based on some spoilers I read its not seeming too likely.

______________________________________________________________________________

Meredith Isn't in the mood to talk about her feelings, she was hit on by a billionaire and rightfully angry at the world because the woman who had to ration her insulin because she couldn't afford was heartbreaking. I live in a country where most health care and medication is free or at a reasonable price unless you choose otherwise so I couldn't imagine how hard it is to be unable to get the health care you need so that was hard to watch. Meredith was also right to be pissed off that some billionaire just decided that he doesn't want to accept responsibility and cleared a whole hospital floor to do it. (Even if Catherine was the one to do it). She misses Alex and had yet another conversation with Bailey (this is the most I've seen them talk this whole series.) And they basically express how everyone is leaving or dying and it's lonely without them and nothing else have ever been more accurate. The amount of life and family togetherness that was in the beginning of the series definitely isn't there anymore.

______________________________________________________________________________

Bailey Was just there being concerned about Webber, I felt for her when Webber started freaking out and throwing stuff you could seen her internal struggle between staying with him or doing her job. I hope they aren't going to make her lose her work husband and basically the only person at Grey Sloan who would stand up for her. And she needs to stand up to Catherine that woman has been throwing her under the bus for too long.

______________________________________________________________________________

Jackson Broke up with his girlfriend Vic.............. I have no idea if to feel bad or happy. I don't really watch Station 19 unless if it has Bailey or is necessary to watch in order to understand what's going on in Grey's as well as the first 6 episodes of season one that I watched so I have no idea what was going on with them. I kind of picked up that she got kicked out of her home and moved into Jackson's place without telling him. But what's don't get is the reactions he was upset that she moved in and I understood because who moves into someone's place without asking but now she moves out and he's upset and for stupid reasons. Dean her new roommate/boatmate once hit on Maggie when they were together and he didn't know. She's going to help Dean raise a baby. The man's a new single father to a newborn I don't think he has time to steal someone's gf. But thank God I no longer have to hear the stupid argument again because they broke up well he broke up with her. Props to her to waiting around all day so he could do it though. Jackson is one of the characters who started off as one of my favorites but has now made his way to the bottom of the list.

______________________________________________________________________________

Maggie The usual cheerleader, when are they going to finally give her a plot that isn't cheering someone on, being annoying or a plot that lasts 5 seconds. It's almost like she isn't even there. Give the girl a good plot for God's sake, she shouldn't just be a cheerleader. That being said, she was spitting facts today with Teddy though and she's probably going to spill Teddy's secret because shes bad at keeping secrets thats a potential hot mess in the making.

______________________________________________________________________________

End notes and questions

What the Hell is Tom doing??? It's dumb and I hope someone talks some sense into him soon.

What's going to happen to Richard? Is he leaving the show as well? I hope not he's one of the only good things left.

Is Deluca going to be ok? He's got to admit he needs help soon.

And last but not least, What will happen to the hot mess that is Owen and Teddy?

[alexthepartyman]

Fine Line

Chapter Five: I know you were way too bright for me.

“Yet teh first victim wasn’t eviscerated,” Spencer remarks. Derek looks over his shoulder at us. “And the unsub seems to have used a different weapon at each crime scene.” 

“Two different MOs.”

“Two different killers?” 

“Or one very psychotic individual,” Uncle Jason remarks,  turning the team’s attention to us. 

“What happened to you?”

“I got a list of things I want to try before it’s too late.”

“And orthopedic surgery’s one of them??” Elle asks. 

“No, skydiving. Apparently, it’s all about the landing.”

‘I’m still pissed at him for it because he didn’t take me.” 

“Not in your state are you leaving Virginia,” Aaron cuts me off. “And besides, you’re not old enough to do that. How long on the crutches, Jason?”

“Just a couple of days.” 

“So you can’t go out into the field?” 

“Not on crutches, no.” 

“Don’t worry, I’ll find a way to be helpful here. Got a blitz attack. No effort to remove the body, clean up evidence.” 

“Sounds really disorganised.” 

“With organised killers, we see a pattern, we’re able to predict their behaviour, but with psychotic killers, they’re guided by a given delusion.”

“Okay, but until we understand the nature of the delusion, we can’t predict his next move.” 

“And that’s nearly impossible to do.” 

“Actually, I think we might have a clue.” 

“Alright, throw it at me,” I offer, walking myself over to stand between him and Derek. 

“These rings at the crime scene might be some kind of signature?” He asks, pointing at them for me. 

“Maybe.”

“I can work this angle. I’ll see if there’s any significance to the patters.” 

“Psychotic killers are normally not that difficult to catch because they don’t try to hide.”

“Does that make your job easier?” JJ asks. 

“Oh, no. Cause until we do locate him, he’ll keep doing that.” 

“Jamie, you’ll be staying here with Jason and Penelope. Please do try to focus on your schoolwork and not the case.” I nod at Aaron. “Wheels up in thirty.”

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Working from the assumption that the rings are a signature…”

“SIr, I could help you get some of these books back to your -”

“Exploring their symbolic significance? Just exploring...I have nothing.” 

“That seems like a specific pattern, though. Here, Penelope, give me something. Maybe if you were in your office, Uncle Jason, you’d have more room to spread out and get a fresh perspective...do you think? Maybe? No?” Uncle Jason stares at me. “Why are you looking at me like that?” 

“I need to focus on the manner in which Annie Stuart was killed. Anything that might have been done to her postmortem. Get this stuff out of here. Sorry.” 

“Jason, this isn’t your…” My voice trails off as he approaches the central desk and hands me a few papers. “Well, at least you apologised.”

“Where’s the, uh, blueprints of the house?”

“Oh, they’re right here on the screen-”

“I don’t want the blueprints on the screen. I want something I can hold onto.” I sit in front of the screen with the blueprint and start sketching out the floor plans. 

“Here you go.” 

“It’s hot in here. Can you fix the AC? How do you breathe in here? Can you try to make it a little cooler in here?” I grimace at the sight of the chaos unfolding in front of me, the two talking over each other. 

“Uh, yeah. It’s pretty cold, but-”

“Do you have the autopsy reports?”

“I’m gonna have the sheriff from Harringtonville fax it over as soon as they come in.” 

“Can I have another cup of coffee, if you would?”

“That, I can do, hang on. You want your usual black?” I ask.

“Yeah. They’re right here.”

“Got it. I’ll get the coffee.” 

“Thank you.” I scoff as Penelope walks away, letting go of my grips and throwing my hands up in frustration. 

“You’re welcome.” 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Chicken broccoli?” Jason asks. 

“It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s just…”

“What’s that?”

“Oh, it’s autopsy reports.” I look to them from my homework and sigh. “Annie Stuart’s body was, um...I can’t say it.” 

“Missing her liver and stomach.” 

“I know that this may seem like a small, dark hole, but it’s my office, and I like to keep it sort of cleanish. Why are you doing that again?”

“What is he doing?”

“Putting his food all over the blueprint.” 

“There’s a reason.”

“He’s taking the blood and organs from the bodies and putting them in cylindrical containers. It’s andropothogy.”

“It’s what?”

“Anthonro what what?”

“You don’t want to know.”

“I’m a big girl. I can take it.” 

“Literal Greek translation is man eating...guy’s a cannibal.” I put my earbuds in and turn up the music. This is the part where I drop out of the conversation. 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“HE TOOK THE HEART?! HOTCH?!” Jason yells, coming back into Penelope’s cage.

“Yes.” 

“The heart has always had incredible symbolic significance. I mean, aside from just banal romantic associations. The Egyptians left the heart in mummies because they believed the organ ensured eternal life.”

“Something I read...ow! Ow!”

“Jesus Christ, Jason!” I yell out, ripping out my earbuds and spinning the chair to face him. 

“Sorry, I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. Give me the book. The big one. Right there.” 

“Okay. Could you get the book, please Penelope, yes I can, here you are. Thank you.” 

“Where’s the crime scene photos?”

“Crime scene photos…” 

“Does that body look like an angel?”

“Not to me.”

“Scan this in. Send it to them. There was, there was an article by a Cambridge professor. Seems that all the organs the unsub’s taken...stomach, liver, now the heart, they were thought to be the seat of the soul, at one time or another.” I groan and start lightly banging my wrists against my forehead and rocking back and forth. 

“Hey, hey, hey, don’t do that, okay? Here’s a slinky,” Penelope gently tells me, placing a metal slinky toy in my hands. My fingers start to manipulate it, exploring every inch of the toy.

“Then he drinks their blood?”

“So when this man drinks his victims’ blood…”

“He believes he’s encountering the divine.”

“Wait a minute, none of this explains why he took the kid.”

“The unsub made the victim into an angel. Maybe the kid’s a messionic figure.” 

“Let’s just hope he doesn’t feel the need to sacrifice him.”

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Hey, Garcia. Talk to me.”

“Okay, so I got ahold of Eddy’s roommate in college, who describes Eddy as having an overprotective mom.”

“How overprotective?”

“She called him, like, three times a day. And get this. One time, she went up to Boston to break him up with a girlfriend she didn’t like.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah, it seems like Eddy’s entire college experience was some sort of post-adolescent rebellion. He partied like an eighties clubber. He suffered a delusional break due to methamphetamine consumption.”

“Wow. That is partying like an eighties clubber.” 

“Right. So then, he was admitted to a mental health facility in Botson,checked himself out a week ago, and found his way home.” 

“What was his major?”

“Comparative religion,” I answer. “No idea what that is.” 

“Thanks. How is it having Gideon around?”

“Uh, you can have him back whenever you’d like.” Penelope hangs up. “How do you deal with him?”

“You get used to it. By the way, could I have access to your computers for research purposes?” 

“It depends on what you are researching, because if you think you can research Peyton again, I am not allowed to let you do that. Oh, and no snooping through case files again.” 

“Literally nobody ever told me that my brother went to college, and I can’t figure out why Boston of all places.” 

“He went to Harvard.” 

“Doesn’t make sense from what I’ve heard about him. Literally the last time I saw him...fuck, that was when Eddie graduated high school. And I was eight. And we went to Peyton.” 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Hey! You guys are back!”

“Hey, sweetheart.”

“Don’t sweetheart me. I may not be a Supervisory Speical Agent, but that does not make me a maid.” 

“What do you mean?”

“What do I mean?” Penelope and Aaron head up the stairs, her carrying a tote of Jason’s things. “This is the third box of crap that Gideon left in my office. There’s at least two more, and everything smells like soy sauce!-”

“I’ll take care of it,” Aaron quietly offers, taking the box from her. 

“Was he that bad?” Derek asks me. 

“Frustrating, yes. I can’t confirm or deny the soy sauce, though. Hey, can I annoy you guys until Aaron takes me home? Penelope’s probably sick of me.” Derek chuckles. 

“Of course, kid. You gotta tell us what’s been new with your friends, though.”

[kepttogetherwithasmile-blog]

i live by myself, mostly because i have severe anxiety and i feel like if i had a roommate they would want to strangle me.. :/i also have insomnia so i sleep incredibly off hours.. i’ve been drinking a LOT of yogi relaxed mind tea.. who else? lol.. anyway this is really weird and hard for me because i haven’t used this tumblr in years. i started it about 10 years ago when i was living at my mom’s because my anxiety had gotten so bad i couldn’t work. in the beginning of living with her, i could barely gather enough energy to get off the couch to eat. someone had suggested tumblr, so i made one and reblogged a bunch of stuff for a while, i mean, i had nothing else to do.. after seeing several doctors and seeing my family all the time, a little over a year later i was doing better enough that i could move back on my own. i haven’t even thought about tumblr in a long time.. but i’ve been seeing all the wonderful posts people have been sharing on twitter.. which is my best friend, besides my cats, for entertainment. i just wanted to say, how thankful are we for our pets during this time?? mine keep me sane. they are the only reasons i get out of bed. right now i’m living in nyc, things were going ok..until recent happenings, but i don’t think i need to explain that.. :/ i wish i could be including emojis but i’m writing this on my laptop and i don’t see an option for that.. i can’t get the app on my phone cuz the software is too old to download it.. i looked LOL.. so many of us new yorkers are unemployed and we were hoping they could reach some kind of rent freeze agreement, to help everyone out, but so far nothing. i see post after post about how are we going to pay our rents? i wish i had an answer. this is something no one could have prepared for. i was fired from my job a few days before christmas, without reason or warning. OVER TEXT MESSAGE. thats right. this guy was something else, as much as i didn’t like working for such a jerk, the money was ok. i didn’t file for unemployment right away because i was supposed to start another job in the end of february, and i was like ok so it’s just a little break, no big deal.. well it turned into a big deal. i wasn’t able to start the other job, since the majority of the city has been closed down. i applied for unemployment recently, but don’t know if i will be accepted because they asked the last time worked, and obviously i wasn’t going to lie so i put december, i feel like they’re only taking people that lost their jobs in the last month or two.. i haven’t heard anything back from them yet. i have 5 sisters and only 2 of them are still working. one of them works at a hospital, so obviously she’s very busy, the other one is able to work her job from home. my dad usually tries to take care of all of his daughters but he had back surgery, so he’s out of work for a while too. my mom can’t leave the house because she has COPD and is considered high risk. of course my anxiety is off the charts, i feel like we’re all waiting for the apocalypse, all the days blend together, we never know when this is going to go back to normal.. the letters and emails about bills are piling up,the phone log of spam calls is all bill collectors trying to get their money..sorry to all of you peoples i didn’t answer :/it used to say the phone numbers but verizon recently started marking them as “potential spam” which obviously i can’t possibly pay. hoping i get a response from unemployment soon. sorry i’m a little rusty at this.. i have been a taylor fan since before fearless, i sort of feel like less of a super fan because i’ve only seen her in concert a few times, due to my anxiety i can’t travel far or i get intense panic attacks, so i’m limited to when she comes to my area.. if anyone is still reading this, a million thanks, i tend to ramble, *insert heart emoji* yes i made those REP coffee tables, i need to re-paper them they are so worn out. we got nothing but time right? if anyone wants to reblog this that would be cool :) i’m adding my cash app and venmo if anyone wants to drop a dollar. *insert another heart emoji* i need to figure out how to add emojis..  also my twitter is @cheerioo if anyone wants to follow me :)

$cheerioo80

@ Jen-Lando-1

@taylorswift @taylornation @taylorswiftisloved

#taylorswift #taylurking #swiftiesathome

[dragonindigo245]

Muffled

Tags: N/A

Warnings: Transphobia, a dash of angst but mostly light hearted stuff.

Summary: Virgil Nix hasn’t spoken once to his friends he’s known for 9 years. He is mute from his overwhelming social anxiety but around them he can finally feel safe.

————

-Elementary school, 5th grade, January of 2010-

“Hey? Who’s the new kid?”

Logan didn’t bother to look up from his book. “And you expect me to have this knowledge?” Roman shrugged. “I dono. He’s quiet like you.” Logan scoffed at this. “I am not quiet. I speak quite often.” Roman rolled his eyes. “Fair... Actually speaking of that, the new guy hasn’t talked once. Not even when he was asked to introduce himself yesterday. Just pulled his hood up and it stayed like that all day.” Logan glanced at the new shadow in the corner of the class. “He’s looking at us you know. You could just talk to him instead of discussing him with me.”

Romans’ head snapped up to meet the figures heterochromic eyes. He quickly looked back at his desk and Roman turned back to Logan. “You know what? I’m just gonna say hi.” Logan finally looked up from his book properly. “I couldn’t have thought of a better plan. You are a true genius Roman.” Roman held back a laugh. “Yeah yeah. I know it was your idea.”

Roman approached the desk in the corner with the figure and posed dramatically. “Hello there! My name is Roman! I couldn’t help but notice your keen interest in our conversation.” The figure held up a hand in a jester to wait and opened a black notebook with a big storm cloud on the front. He flipped through the pages filled with words and stopped at the first blank page he reached. He grabbed a pen from beside him and began to write.

“I couldn’t help but notice your keen interest in my presence.”

They turned the notebook so Roman could read it. He chuckled and waved a hand in dismissal. “Touchè. What’s your name, dark one?” They tapped the pen against their notebook nervously before writing, “I go by Virgil. I like that name better though.” Roman smiled and extended his hand dramatically. “Well then Virgil, Lord Of Darkness...” He rolled his tongue at Virgil’s name. “Would you care to join me and my friends? The professor shouldn’t be in for another ten minutes or so!” Virgil pointed at Logan curiously. Roman nodded in confirmation. “Yeah that’s one of them. The others will be coming in soon! What do you say?”

Virgil played with his hoodie sleeves and nodded. Roman pulled him up out of his seat and Virgil barely had time to grab his notebook and pen before being pulled away. Logan looked up from his book at the slam of Romans hand against his desk. “Salutations Roman... and...?” Virgil opened back up his notebook and pointed to his name. Logan put his own book down and extended his hand. “Nice to meet you Virgil. I apologize for our conversation about you right in front of you.”

——————

-Preforming Arts College, Sophomore Year, December of 2019-

“Oh Ur-sulk-ula!” Virgil rolled his eyes and looked up from the couch. Roman loomed over him with a mischievous grin. “You know what today is?” Virgil pulled his phone out of his pocket and opened the notes app. There he typed, “It is Wednesday my dudes.” Roman chuckled at the reference. “Okay yes. I’m meaning what do we have to do today?” Virgil’s mind began to race. What was he forgetting? What was going on? Was he in trouble? Would his other roommates insult hi-

“Calm down there Meanie in the Lamp.. I can see worry painted all over that white foundation. Today is our day off!” Seemingly on cue Patton opened the door and he walked in with Logan, talking about some sort of animal. Roman ignored them. “Today Patton planned the board game day! I hope you got your game ready because I’m about to crush you!”

Virgi sneered and typed into his notes quickly, “Bring it on Fairy-fail Prince.” Roman gasped and held a hand to his chest. “You wound me emo!” Patton tisked at them. “Virgil, inform Roman that you’re-” Patton held up a board game labeled “SORRY!” Virgil snickered while Logan acted as if he was insulted. Patton’s smile traveled over to him. “Oh come on Logan! You know making dad jokes is my-” Patton now held up a board game labeled “LIFE!” Both Roman and Virgil broke out laughing while Logan visibly cringed.

Patton looked down at Virgil on the couch. “What game did you pick?” Virgil typed in “That’s a surprise for the end of the day.” Roman laughed. “I bet your game is not nearly as glamorous as mine.” Virgil rolled his eyes amused. They would just have to wait and see.

—————

-High school, 10th grade, April of 2015-

“MY DAUGHTER SHOULDN’T BE DISADVANTAGED LIKE THIS!!!”

“Mrs. Nix, I assure you that we were unaware. Your daughter claimed she was male so we treated her as such. I do not see why she couldn’t identify as one but if you say she was lying for attention and truly isn’t trans, I will make sure her teachers know.”

“WE WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS!”

Patton looked to the open office door next to his locker. Something was going on in there and it wasn’t pretty. He finished putting away his school stuff and curiosly peered in. There were three people Mr. Sanders or the principal, a tall and frightening woman, and... Virgil? Virgil’s hood was over his face and his sleeves were pulled up over his hands. He was visibly panicking and nobody had noticed.

The tall woman glared at Mr. Sanders and slammed her hands into the table. “IF THIS HAPPENS AGAIN I WILL PERSONALLY ASSURE YOU THAT THIS ENTIRE SCHOOL WILL BE SHUT DOWN!! Veronica, Go to your class unless you have something to say on the- I’m not reading some words out of your dumb notebook. You can speak just fine.” Virgil put his notebook away and got up to leave the room.

He almost got out the door before he realized Patton was standing right in front of him. The two adults didn’t seem to notice them. Patton glanced at them to make sure before tucking Virgil under his arm and leading him away.

They walked down a few halls and came to a taped off classroom. Stepping inside, Patton sat Virgil down. “Hey Virge... you doing alright? Think you can write for me what happened or are you too panicked?” Virgil curled his knees up to his chest and nodded. He slowly opened his bag and took out the notebook (which had a blank page bookmarked) and a pencil. “My mother just interveining intervening with the school. I just messed up is all.”

Patton read over the page and sat down beside Virgil. “Well... even if you messed up... I’m sure it’s not that bad! If you tell me what happened then I’m sure we can work it out!” Virgil nodded and stared at the paper for a few minutes, seemingly trying to write with his eyes. Eventually, with the help of Patton rubbing his back, Virgil picked the pencil back up.

“My mom hates that I’m trans. She claims it’s a made up thing and I’m lying to spite her and make her look bad, that being trans isn’t real and I will always be female. I messed up when I went to my dads for the weekend and asked for surgery to make me... less feminine. My dad was on board but my mom wasn’t. I should have just stayed quiet.”

Virgil barely finished writing his last sentence before Patton barreled into him with a hug. He almost fell onto his other side but caught himself, returning the hug as soon as he could sit back up. They hugged quietly, barely feeling the passage of time.

Patton eventually forced himself out of the hug but immediately took both of Virgil’s hands. “Virgil... Your mom is either going to have to accept who you are or she is going to have to suffer silently. I will not allow her to hurt you like this. You are allowed to be whoever you want to be. She has no say in who you are. The only person who has a say is you. We should go tell Mr. Sanders though.” Virgil nodded and immediately pulled himself back into a hug with Patton. Once again they sat silently.

Everything else could wait. For now this was all Virgil needed.

—————

-Preforming Arts College, Sophomore Year, December of 2019-

Evening came by quickly, too quickly for Virgil’s taste. Patton looked up from the Monopoly box as he shoved the lid back on. “So what game next? Oh! Virgil what about your game?”

Virgil’s head snapped up and he smiled nervously. Patton’s expression changed to the worried look of a parent. “It’s alright Virge. I’m sure we’ll love it.” Virgil nodded his head and moved to the floor. He dragged out a box from under the couch that he set on the table. A hush fell on the room as everyone stared at it. There in bright white words across the box read “Taboo, The Game of Unspeakable Fun”

Logan was the first to speak up. “Virgil... Do you know the rules of Taboo?” Virgil smile grew bigger with nervousness. Roman looked around. “I don’t? What could be so bad about it?” The room was quiet for a few more moments before Patton answered his question. “You have to speak in order for the game to work.” Roman looked back at Virgil in shock. “What?!? You picked a game you can’t play?”

Everyone turned to Virgil searching for some kind of answer. Virgil took careful, deep breaths and closed his eyes. After multiple breaths he opened his eyes and quietly replied aloud, “I feel safe enough to speak around you all now.”

Patton squealed and went around the table to hug Virgil. “OH MY GOODNESS! VIRGIL THAT’S- YOU ACTUALLY SPOKE!” Logan sat strait up while Roman put a hand over his own mouth. Patton started crying and laughing, burying his face into Virgil’s hoodie, who returned the hug back slowly as a grin spread across his face. “Yeah... I did.” Patton hugged him even harder at the end of his second sentence, so hard it looked painful. If it was then Virgil didn’t react.

Roman got up from his spot and wrapped his arms around Virgil, lying his head on the emos purple hair. Logan wasn’t far behind in the hug pile. They didn’t dare move for a long while, happy to finally hear their best friend voice himself.

[artificialqueens]

nobody knows where we might end up, chapter five (branjie) - holtzmanns

(read on ao3) | (tumblr)

“Hey Brooke?”

“Yeah?” Her answer is muffled slightly by her yawn as she puts her phone away, after showing Vanessa pictures of Henry and Apollo that her mom had sent earlier in the day.

“I…” Vanessa bites her lip and scoots closer to until she’s right in front of her, and Brooke can see every freckle on her nose and how long her eyelashes are.

AN: chapter five! some exciting things happen both then and now. thank you writ for betaing <3

(then)

“If I have to read the word ‘t-cell’ one more time, I’m gonna lose my damn mind.”

Brooke giggles at Vanessa’s declaration, the girl having dropped her head onto her arms on top of her textbook. She looks so cute buried in her oversized jacket, the sleeves rolled up to allow for her hands to stick out.

“You okay there?”

“No.” The groan is muffled by the way Vanessa’s face is hidden. “Immunology sucks. Who needs it anyway?”

“We all need an immune system to keep us from getting sick.” Brooke pokes her arm, and Vanessa’s head pops up almost comically.

“Fuck that. I don’t wanna study anymore. We’re gonna be fine for this midterm, anyway.”

Brooke bites her lip. Sure, they know the information inside and out, having gone over all of the units that will be on the midterm multiple times, but what if there’s more to learn? More stuff that they can commit to memory?

Vanessa interrupts her train of thought by closing her textbook, ignoring her ensuing protest. “C’mon. We can study tomorrow. It’s already almost midnight.”

Brooke checks her watch. “Shoot, you’re right.” She turns her head, peeking her head past one of the bookshelves. The top floor of the library remains as empty as ever, save for the two of them. It’s a space that has quickly become hers and Vanessa’s, one that they’ve staked their claim over with piles of textbooks and snacks nearly every evening. Their study sessions have become more and more frequent, the two of them getting together in what is now their spot to review, even for the classes that they don’t have together.

It makes her happier than it should, this time with Vanessa. Seeing the way that she pouts sometimes when she studies and the little whoops that she lets out when she finally understands a concept. The way her hair always falls in her face, waves dropping onto her textbooks. Brooke constantly has to resist the urge to braid it back for her.

She needs to get a grip and stop practically mooning over this girl, who she doesn’t even know if she feels the same way. But it’s too damn hard.

Brooke keeps turning over their little dinner from last week in her head. She had really, really wanted to kiss her, to go and ruin their friendship and change everything. She had been close, real close to doing so. Because Vanessa had been on the couch so close to her and smiling so bright and Brooke could have sworn that in that moment, Vanessa had felt it too. Before her roommate came in and Brooke had left shortly after, wanting to kick herself for missing the opportunity.

They haven’t had a non-study session since then - too busy, what with midterms for other classes. But Brooke wants to take the chance and ask her. Maybe to grab some food after their midterm together. It’s worth a shot.

“Does b-cell stand for ‘Brooke-cell?”

“Huh?” Brooke looks at Vanessa with a confused expression, who has apparently reopened her textbook.

“Well, there’s t-cells and b-cells. Maybe b-cells are named after you.” Vanessa points to the picture of b-cells in the book.

Brooke reaches out to ruffle Vanessa’s hair, making her yelp. “They should change the name to v-cells. For Vanessa.”

“I wouldn’t just be a cell, baby. I’d be a multicelled organism.” Vanessa tosses her hair over her shoulder.  

“Technically, you already are a multicelled organism.”

Vanessa sticks her tongue out at her. “Shush. Don’t ruin my moment.”

Brooke snorts. “Y’know what, I think you’re right. We’ve both hit our studying limit and are going a little loopy.”

Vanessa scoots her chair around the table, closer to Brooke. She leans back, looking up at the ceiling. Many of the lights have dimmed, with only the area that they’re sitting under actually lit up. “Do you think people ever stay overnight here?”

“Sure they do.” Brooke nods. “It’s open 24 hours. There’s that guy on the second floor who’s always in pyjamas, I bet he does.”

“I bet you could rock his style.” Vanessa grins at her. “Pyjama couture.”

Brooke doesn’t miss a beat. “Wouldn’t you like to see it?”

It’s Vanessa’s turn to turn pink, cheeks flushing and mouth dropping open as Brooke snickers. “You wish.”

Their books are long forgotten by the time Brooke’s watch starts to tick closer and closer to one a.m. She hasn’t made any move to leave and neither has Vanessa, which must be a good sign - of what exactly, Brooke doesn’t know.

All she knows is that the sight of Vanessa curled up in her chair is absolutely adorable.

“Hey Brooke?”

“Yeah?” Her answer is muffled slightly by her yawn as she puts her phone away, after showing Vanessa pictures of Henry and Apollo that her mom had sent earlier in the day.

“I…” Vanessa bites her lip and scoots closer to until she’s right in front of her, and Brooke can see every freckle on her nose and how long her eyelashes are.

Vanessa’s searching her face for something and Brooke can’t tell what she’s looking for, but she wants to give it to her. Make the worry lines on her face go away.

“What is it, V?” Her heart is beating faster because she’s never seen Vanessa look like this before - all tentative and nervous and wide eyed. Maybe when she made dinner with her but that time was so short, felt like a dream.

Brooke’s not sure if she’s dreaming now too but if she is, she doesn’t want to wake up from it. Not in the least.

Brooke brings her hand up to Vanessa’s face because it feels like the right thing to do, to trace her thumb on her cheek and it’s just as soft as she thought it would be. Vanessa leans into her touch and covers her hand with her own and Brooke’s never lived through an earthquake, but her heart feels like it’s beating hard enough to cause one in her soul.

Vanessa looks up at her from under her long lashes, her eyes flitting down to Brooke’s lips before coming back up to meet her eyes.

“I want to try something.”

Brooke moves herself closer, imperceptibly closer. Not enough to close the gap, but enough so that Vanessa notices.

“Then try it.”

But then Vanessa closes the gap first, her face is right there and her lips are so soft that Brooke can’t help but gasp into the kiss. Vanessa takes full advantage of it, deepening the kiss and bringing her arms up around Brooke’s neck.

Brooke tugs Vanessa closer, pulls her on top of her in her lap because any distance between them is too far, and the thought of being far by any means from Vanessa again is too much to fathom, now that she has her right here. Her mind isn’t sure if it’s really happening, because she’s thought about it so much and wanted it so bad, wanted to be able to run her fingers through Vanessa’s hair. Now that she’s doing it, now that she can feel the way it makes Vanessa lean into her touch, is it even real?

Then Vanessa pulls back and looks at her, eyes bright and tentative and face flushed and Brooke’s never seen anyone more beautiful in the world. She looks down at their hands, intertwines their fingers, marvels at how well they fit together. Thinks about how she never wants to let go.

She tugs Vanessa back down, to kiss her again because she has to know that this is real, everything is real, not a sleep deprivation induced fever dream. From the way that Vanessa smiles into the kiss, squeezes her hand, Brooke starts to think that maybe, perhaps, they are  here. Actually here.

(now)

Brooke is methodical.

Her daily schedule sits on her desk with all of her surgeries, meetings, and consults colour coded and organized. It makes her feel on top of things, more in control. More prepared for the day ahead of her.

She starts her days early too, getting everything that she needs for her procedures ready in advance rather than leaving a nurse or aide to do it. Being in control of every last aspect ensures that the day unfolds just the way she likes it.

Is she rigid? Maybe. Does it work for her? Absolutely.

Brooke heads to the supply closet on the general surgery floor, suppressing a yawn before taking a sip of her coffee. It’s too damn early to not to be able to find any of the polyester sutures that she’ll need later in the day. Sure, she could use prolene ones, but they never feel quite right. Polyester is an easier material to work with.

Besides, no one else on the neuro team uses polyester sutures for their surgeries, so she has no problem finding them for the most part. Except that this morning, the neuro supply closet seemed to be free of them, leading her onto a wild goose chase to look for more.

The general surgery supply closet seems to be empty, making sense with the early hour. Brooke thumbs through the supplies, past the gauze and the tubes and the tools and - oh.

“What are you doing here?” Of course Dr. Mateo is in here too. Her luck, really.

Whatever. She’ll grab the polyester sutures and leave.

“What? Oh, it’s you.” Dr. Mateo’s voice goes from curious to dismissive as soon as she sees Brooke, turning back to whatever it is she’s holding in her hands and hey.

Dr. Mateo has the last pack of polyester sutures from the shelf in her hands. What the hell is she doing with them?

“I need those.” If her voice comes out sounding like a petulant five year old, she ignores it.

“So? Find your own.” Dr. Mateo scoffs at her. Fucking rude.

“That’s what I’ve been trying to do. They’re not in any of the other supply closets.” Brooke has to keep herself from narrowing her eyes because Dr. Mateo has grabbed the entire stock from the closet. Of course.

“I fucking know that. Why do you think I came in here too?” Dr. Mateo is looking at her with an expression that is too smug, and Brooke can’t resist rolling her eyes.

“Anyway.” Dr. Mateo shrugs. “You snooze, you lose. Come earlier next time.”

Brooke feels her hands ball into fists, her cheeks getting hot. Dr. Mateo has some nerve, she really does. “The hell is your problem? Since when do you even use polyester sutures? No one else around here uses them except for me.”

“Since I was a resident. Breaking news, Dr. Hytes, the world doesn’t revolve around you. Shocking, I know.” Dr. Mateo steps closer to her, crossing her arms.

Unbelievable.

“How dare you.” She hisses it as she takes a step closer to Dr. Mateo. “You’ve done nothing but be a fucking nuisance since you got here. This is my terrain.”

It is. This hospital is hers. Of course Dr. Mateo has come and disrupted everything.

Dr. Mateo looks up at her, jaw set as she puts the sutures down on a nearby shelf. “Not anymore, it isn’t. Looks like you’ll have to move over.”

It’s then that she notices how close they are. Dr. Mateo’s hair still in waves, though half up. Out of the way. The same freckles dotting her face that used to do so back in undergrad. Her eyes staring up at Brooke, hardened and narrowed and smug. Her lips curling up in a way that Brooke knows that it means that she thinks she’s won, expecting Brooke to leave with her tail between her legs.

It’s then that Brooke realizes the perfect way to shut her up.

Is it stupid? Sure. Will it work? Absolutely.

Brooke closes the gap between them with a single step, grabbing Dr. Mateo’s face with both of her hands and tilting it up, pressing her lips to hers. The gasp that leaves Dr. Mateo’s lips is satisfying because fucking finally, except then Dr. Mateo is on her tiptoes, kissing back harder and nearly making Brooke step back from the force. One of Dr. Mateo’s hands is fisting in her hair, and Brooke has to suppress a growl because it feels too good and she’s the one in control right now, damn it.

Brooke nips at Dr. Mateo’s bottom lip, and oh, it makes her gasp in the same way that it used to all those years ago. Brooke walks them back until Dr. Mateo’s back hits the wall, and she has her right where she wants her.

She’s breathing heavily, looking up at Brooke with hooded eyes and swollen lips and mussed hair and it’s maybe one of the hottest fucking sights that Brooke’s ever seen in her life. Not that it’s relevant in the least.

Brooke leans down and kisses up the column of her neck, feeling the way that she shudders underneath her. She remembers that Dr. Mateo’s jaw is sensitive, and is glad that her memory is right when she hears a moan leave her lips when she nips at the skin.

Dr. Mateo’s hands are uselessly fisting in her shirt, and Brooke has to fight to stay focused, in control of things. She tugs on Dr. Mateo’s hair, exposing her neck even more, pressing her lips right above her collarbone and fuck, she’s missed this. Missed the way that Dr. Mateo is trying to pull her closer, practically melting in her hands.

“You like this, huh?” She pushes a knee in between Dr. Mateo’s legs, feeling a wave of heat run through her when Dr. Mateo whines and grinds herself down, gasping. “Still the same. So worked up.”

“Fuck, Brooke, Jesus, I-” Brooke pauses for a second when hearing her name from Dr. Mateo’s lips because it feels too familiar, too much like old times and for a second they could be back in undergrad. But then Dr. Mateo’s hands are raking up her sides, underneath her scrub shirt and no, she’s here, they’re here. It’s different now.

She pulls her knee back, tuts at the resulting whine from Dr. Mateo from the loss of contact. “So needy.”

“Fuck you.” Dr. Mateo’s voice is a growl, and Brooke feels a wetness growing between her own legs because of it.

“That’s what I’m trying to do.” Brooke pushes on Dr. Mateo’s shoulders, spins her around so that her hands hit the wall. Brooke is behind her, pressing her up against it, and moves her hair to one side to expose her neck. She feels the way it makes Dr. Mateo shudder when she nips there harder than she should, not caring what her neck is going to look like the next day.

It’s none of her business, really. Dr. Mateo’s problem to deal with, not hers.

Dr. Mateo pushes back against her, trying to close any distance between them and ofcourse she’s trying to grind her ass against her.

“You always this fucking impatient, Dr. Mateo?”

“You always this fucking slow, Dr. Hytes?”

“Shut up.” Brooke mutters it into her ear, and she can practically feel the smirk on Dr. Mateo’s face.

“Make me.”

If that’s what Dr. Mateo wants, it’s what she’ll get. Brooke doesn’t waste time teasing her fingers along Dr. Mateo’s waistband to get her worked up because she’s already there, so wet and canting into her hand after Brooke pushes her underwear to the side. Brooke has to hold back a moan because it’s fucking hot, she’s hot and whining in front of her and who even cares if they get caught at this point? She never wants these sounds to stop leaving Dr. Mateo’s lips, especially if she’s the one to elicit them.

Brooke wants to draw it out, tease a little before giving in but her self-resolve is already all but gone. Brooke brushes her fingers at Dr. Mateo’s clit, revelling in the way Dr. Mateo has to brace herself against the wall to keep herself up. Dr. Mateo ruts her hips forward so that she moves against her hand, and so Brooke nips at her ear in warning, making her gasp.

Brooke moves her fingers to just outside her entrance, pushes two in when she meets no resistance.

“So wet. All for me, huh? This too much for you?” Brooke maneuvers her hand so that the heel of her palm brushes against her clit, and the moan that Dr. Mateo lets out when she does is definitely loud enough to be heard in the hallway.

“Just like that-” Dr. Mateo gasps it out as she meets Brooke’s movements, spurring her on further because there’s no way she’s going to stop now.

“C’mon Ness, you’re almost there.” The old nickname slips from Brooke’s lips before she can stop it and she doesn’t even care, not when Dr. Mateo - Vanessa - is so close, falling apart underneath her just like she used to. No, even better.

Brooke dots kisses along the column of Vanessa’s neck as she comes (‘fuck, fuck’) , her walls tightening around Brooke’s fingers and her wetness dripping onto her palm. Brooke doesn’t stop her movements until Vanessa’s shaky hand drags down the wall to push hers away, gasping as she does.

Vanessa turns back around, leaning against the wall and oh, she’s wasting no time despite her shaky breaths because she’s pulling Brooke down to kiss her, bite at her bottom lip.

Brooke pulls back and Vanessa’s eyes are wide, her chest rising and falling in uneven pants.

“Fuck you, you’re good at that.”

“Yeah?” Brooke can’t help the surge of pride that flows through her. Sure, she can make girls fall apart underneath her whenever she takes them to bed, but Vanessa?

She’s in a league of her own.

Brooke nearly yelps when Vanessa pushes her shoulders back, flips their positions. Brooke’s glad for it, glad that she’s leaning against the wall for support because Vanessa’s getting on her knees and fuck.

She’s nearly going to come from the sight of Vanessa kneeling in front of her, staring up at her with hungry eyes and her trembling hands tugging on Brooke’s scrub pants and then her underwear and pulling them down, down, getting her to step out of them before pushing her legs apart and coming to rest in between them.

Vanessa doesn’t break eye contact as she presses kisses up her inner thighs, holding her legs in place so that Brooke can’t move.

“Fuck, Ness.” Her hands go to Vanessa’s hair because she needs to grab something and it’s already too much and Vanessa hasn’t even done anything yet.

But then Vanessa stops. Looks up at her with a smirk. “Nuh-uh. Not going to happen. Hands on the wall.”

Oh, so that’s the kind of game she wants to play.

“Oh, fuck off.” Brooke mutters it under her breath because of course Vanessa wants to tease her like this, draw it out.

“You heard me.”

Brooke grabs her hair tighter, relishes in the little gasp that leaves Vanessa’s lips, but Vanessa doesn’t move. “You want me to leave you like this? All wet and dripping just for me, at the beginning of the day, no less? All unable to take care of yourself or focus ‘cause all you can think about is me, right here?”

Brooke can’t help the groan that she lets out because Vanessa would, and how are her words leaving her even more wet?

Fine. The stubborn bitch can win. Brooke needs her mouth on her more than anything she’s ever needed in her life.

“Good girl.” Vanessa practically purrs it when Brooke moves her hands to the wall, winking at her before burying her face between her legs and fuck.

Vanessa’s tongue teases at her folds and the action alone nearly makes Brooke’s knees give out beneath her. Her hands fist uselessly against the wall, unable to grab anything and when Vanessa moves her tongue around her clit, she feels like she’s already going to fall apart.

Vanessa’s gotten better. Way better. Sure, she was good when they dated, but eleven years of practice later? Brooke’s going to embarrass herself and probably come in less than five minutes.

One of Vanessa’s hand moves around to cup her ass, squeezing it and Brooke can’t help but roll her hips forward, lift a leg up and rest it on Vanessa’s shoulder. The angle makes it even more intense, especially when Vanessa goes and sucks at her clit, just the way that Brooke likes it.

Brooke’s definitely going to have to fix her hair and makeup and make herself look presentable again and if anyone comes into this supply closet they’re screwed, but it doesn’t even matter because she’s so fucking close, Vanessa’s hands squeezing tight enough to leave bruises on her skin.

She comes with Vanessa’s name on her lips, something she hasn’t done in years but it feels so right, feels so natural as it leaves her. As if it hasn’t been more than a decade since they last did this.

Then Vanessa’s getting Brooke to step back into her underwear and scrubs, tying the drawstrings of the latter at her waist. She then climbs back up, wiping her face with her sleeve and Brooke can’t resist but pulling her in to kiss her, a deep kiss that still makes her knees buckle.

When Brooke pulls back Vanessa’s eyes search hers, as if she’s looking for something to say and Brooke gets it because what do they even do now?

But then Vanessa smirks, tilts her head. Grabs for the pack of sutures that she had haphazardly dropped earlier back onto the shelf.

“These polyester sutures are still mine, though. Good luck finding your own.”

Then she’s gone, door swinging shut behind her and Brooke’s not sure whether to laugh or roll her eyes as she tries to catch her breath, because she can’t even be mad about it right now, not when she’s left her thoroughly fucked out. Bitch.

[suckstobescotty]

Sam Golbach - Finding Him Again

Word count: 2000+

Notes: meant for a male reader, no use of 'Y/n'

-----

Sam had been your best friend in 3rd grade. Well, actually, he was your best friend from 3rd to 8th grade. The connection ended because you moved away. Your older sister had gotten a scholarship to UCLA, being the supportive parents that they were your full family moved to L.A. to support her. Causing your seperation with Sam.

Leaving Sam broke your heart to its' core. You had no way of contacting each other and your parents said that you'd simply 'get over it'. You did make new friends but you often told stories of your time with Sam.

"So what about your old home do you miss the most? I heard Kansas was pretty boring." A girl you had met, named Devyn, asked. You had met her through a few other friends and were getting to know her more over a Netflix binge night in your apartment.

"Oh jeez. Um, I miss the fresh air and stuff. But I mainly miss the friends I had to leave behind. I only had a few but they were more than enough. 2 girls and a boy" You said describing them like they were your own kids and you were a suburban white mom.

"Oo. Tell me some stories." She begged and you laughed a little. Devyn was fun to hang out with. The Netflix show continued to play throughout your  conversation.

"Okay hm. Well the girls were named Mariah and Katelynn. I only really hung out with them in class and we paired up in some work. The only crazy story I have with them is when we were 7 and a half and we were climbing a tree. We wanted to see what the sun set looked like up there. I fell out of the tree and broke my wrist and these girls didn't think right and they jumped down after me. Mariah sprained her foot and Katelynn was fine. She ran and got our parents who took us both to the hospital and I actually had to get surgery and I still have the scars" You showed the scars on the back of your wrist and she looked at them in interest.

"And the boy?" She asked curiously, sipping the tea like it was a mukbang.

"He was my best friend. For 5 years. We did everything together. We played games, did homework, cheated on tests, created a horrible band, had sleep overs, literally everything. His name was Sam. Well it probably still is, but you know what I mean" she laughed at your joke "the craziest story I have with him is probably the famous story of how we met. It was in 3rd grade that we met. Sam was a geeky kid and I was the kid that always played soccer. So when I was playing soccer against the wall I kicked the ball too hard, it slammed and went flying behind me and smacked Sam hard in the face. My instant reaction was to help him up and make sure he was okay and he was. I went to get the ball and somehow we played together? I think we invented wall ball with a soccer ball" You finished your story and Devyn laughed.

~~~

Devyn had been your friend for two years now. She was moving in with her boyfriend in his house where he had some roommates so you were helping her pack.

"So who are his room mates? Have you met them?" You asked curiously as you wrapped her mugs in paper for safe transfer

"Yeah I have. They're all super nice and kinda cute. Corey is the only one for me though. The others are Elton who is 25 or 26 and he's sweet, Colby is like an inner 12 year old child and he's nice, Aaron is sweet too and innocent, then there is a guy named Sam who is friends with Colby since like freshman year. " Devyn explained and you nodded.

"Sounds fun. 1 girl and 5 guys." You smiled a little as you closed the box.

"Yeah. I'm not the only girl though. Elton has a dog." You both burst out laughing. Soon you had packed the whole kitchen and Devyn was done her living room.

"Thanks for the help! Corey is coming by later to put it all in a truck. Once we are all settled in, we will hold a little get together and you can come by. Sound good?" She offered hugging you tight. You hugged her back happily. You were happy for her. You left to your sad lonely apartment again. The same one you had had for 4 years. You had a nice Cauliflower steak for dinner while watching supernatural and then went to bed. Life was boring for you.

~1 week later~

That name had been begging you forever. Devyn had said she lived with a guy named Sam now. You had tried to convince yourself that it wasn't Sam. It wasn't the Sam you had lost all those years ago. But you couldn't help but hope.

"Hey. You okay?" Devyn asked from next to you, as she was driving to her new home. Your car had been stolen 2 days ago, right out of the parking lot of target. Devyn had been driving you anywhere you needed since then. Which had only been home from target,  and now to her new house.

"Yeah. I'm fine. Just thinking." You said with a  smile, you were fine actually. You felt good lately, like something really great was going to happen soon.

"Okay. Well this is my street so we are almost there. It's just going to be everyone that lives there, you, and two of Corey's dance friends. So you're not the only guest." Devyn had learned quickly about your out-of-place anxiety. You were extremely anxious of standing out, simply because it always creates awkward situations.

"Oh cool. Thanks." Devyn parked in the driveway of a huge house and got out of her car. The house was bigger when standing up somehow. Devyn led you to the front door and opened it with ease.

"Welcome to my humble home." Devyn laughed gently. Corey noticed the presence in the house and came out of what you could see as the kitchen. He kissed her and hugged you. You had become close with Corey too over the years.

"I'm Elton. I run TFIL" a man with a beard greeted you. He had approached from behind Corey. You shook his hand and bro hugged him happily. He had a welcoming aura to him.

"Oh, yes. I saw a few of your videos before. Your dog is especially beautiful" You smiled and Elton nods before rambling about his dog as the 4 of you wandered to the kitchen and kept talking. Soon a man named Aaron joined after making some egg whites, which you suggested paprika for and Aaron had declared his respect for you on his soul.

"Corey where's Colby and Sam?" Devyn asked and Corey shrugged before walking to the stairs.

"Sam! Colby! Come join our guests!" Corey yelled very loudly. Devyn laughed a little. A few moments passed before a man with brown hair came down shirtless. His blue eyes were caught in the sunlight, so did his muscular torso as he came and sat down. You scrolled through twitter and sipped on a drink Devyn had got you.

"I'm Colby. Sorry for not being fully dressed" Colby introduced himself and laughed awkwardly.

You simply shrugged and responded "don't be. Seeing someone like you shirtless doesn't bother me." You smirked and Colby blushed. Corey snickered at the interaction. Then you heard footsteps coming towards the table and looked up to see a blonde approaching.

He was tall but not as tall as Colby, maybe 5"9. He was in a maroon sweater that said Now or Never on the front and some black skinny jeans. His eyes were blood shot and Colby instantly looked concerned.

"Sam, dude, what's wrong?" He asked worriedly as Sam sat next to him.

"Uh nothing. Just a call from my mom. We were talking about my childhood for a video and it just reminded me of old friends." Sam shrugged. Colby nodded abd hugged Sam with one arm. It didn't take long for some alcohol to be brought out. However you were straight edge. You weren't about to drink.

Devyn had thoroughly introduced you to everyone as her gay best friend. You didn't mind though. There was something about Sam that was like a magnet. There was a connection there and you swear Sam could feel it too. You caught him staring multiple times.

You took a final sip of your soda before putting it down and walking over to Sam "hey." You greeted trying to seem calm.

"Oh hey. Um, what's up?" Sam asked a little awkwardly. Not that he wasn't already being awkward standing against the wall at a get together in his own home.

"Nothing. I was just wondering if maybe you want to go outside? Corey has the music way too loud" You lied. The music was fine. You just wanted some alone time with him. Sam agreed and went to grab two new sodas out of the fridge. Devyn caught your eye and gave you a nod of encouragement.

Outside was a little chilly because of a coastal wind. However you were fine. Climbing to the top of the jumping platform, it was a silent agreement to just sit there and talk.

"So where you from?" Sam asked curiously. "Like now and before" He clarifies quickly making you smile.

"Oh um. Now I live in East hollywood in a little apartment alone. I moved here before highschool to support my sister with my parents. Before that I was in Kansas." You explained taking a sip. Sam widened his eyes slightly but nodded.

"I'm from Kansas too. I moved with Colby when we started youtube." He laughed gently.

The conversation continued smoothly. Little questions that seemed personal for two people that just met. Such as memories of the past, any favourite pets, etc.

"Okay this may seem really weird but what was life like before L.A.?" Sam asked curiously. This was the make or break question.

"Oh. Um. It was good. My parents have always loved my sister more. She succeeded in everything and I was only ever good at soccer. That's how I met my best friend in grade 3. I kicked the ball too hard and it smashed into the wall and then into this kids face. We played together since and grew up together. Supported eachother through thick and thin. In fact... I came out to him a few weeks before I moved. It hurt to move away because he and I grew up together for 5 years and I had to leave him behind." You confessed and Sam instantly teared up.

"Fuck.." He covered his mouth and tried to keep the tears away. Your suspicions were confirmed when he tackled you in a hug and you hugged him back tearing up too. "I didn't think I'd find you again" Sam whimpered. Tears were steadily flowing. You had found your best friend that you lost all those years ago.

- stop reading here if you wish for the story to end simply as friends -

A few minutes had passed before you both were calm enough to speak again. "We owe this to Devyn y'know? If I had never met her-" You started but Sam cut you off.

"Let's not think about that." He seemed scared of that thought. "I have a question though" Sam smiled.

"Shoot" You said leaning against the wooden beams in interest.

"Do you remember what your old best friend did after you came out to him?" He asked and you smirked

"Something like," You leant forward again "this" your hands cupped his cheeks and his lips locked to yours. Fitting together just like they had when you were 12. Your hands moved to around his neck as his pulled you closer by your waist. The kiss was deep, and filled with a love that had a depressing beginning but had never ended.

About an hour of further catching up on what had happened between ninth grade and now, and some more kissing, you both returned back into the house. Devyn gave a knowing look and wagged Sams camera near you both "reunion was filmed" she simply says before leaving back to a plastered Corey.

Sam offered some cuddling, some watching youtube, and a lot more catching up if you joined him upstairs.

"Let's go" You smiled and followed him.