#my religious trauma is so funny sometimes

[fallenandproud]

fun fact, the breaking point that led me to finally cave and make this sideblog was watching youtube shorts and the algorithm decied to throw a TON of hazbin hotel / helluva boss stuff at me and one came up with Lucifer Charlie's dad just as like. one of those edits and THEN i scroll and THE NEXT ONE IS SOMEONE DRAWING THE FALL FROM HEAVEN and i decided right then and there that on top of my demon fixation coping mechanism i now am going to project heavily onto LUCIFER HIMSELF.

[gxlden-angels]

Looking back, it's so funny that my family still sees my neurodivergence as more of a prayer issue than a neurological difference especially when I got very overwhelmed singing during praise and worship, but was still told to sing and dance so they definitely looked to their side and just saw this

[hollowflight-propaganda]

"Oh, let's see if I can find anything about the upcoming Narnia remake since I haven't looked into it for a while!"

*finds next to nothing in terms of actual news and only sees people talking about how "woke" it's gonna be because oh no, NOTHING'S worse than the idea of DIVERSITY*

"................ that's enough internet for today."

[alllgator-blood]

'FOGGY STREETS AND CHRISTMAS LIGHTS'

(part 3/3)

I'm gonna infodump about the backstory of this comic, don't feel obligated to read it because it's not cotl related it's just personal stuff, I just want to be able to write about it somewhere cause I can't really talk to anyone about it.

As always, thanks for reading this far, sorry my stuff has been such a bummer so consistently. This comic goes out to all my "christmas induced depression" homies, I left my house maybe like ~5 times all month and it was NOT pleasant hearing "IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR!!" on the radio when I'm so ready for it to be over. Gonna take it reaaaaal easy til the year ends, you guys take it easy too!! Got some asks I have to respond to when I'm more stable but probably no new comic pages til january

Alright uhhh so this part of the comic is pretty much taken directly from the last time I saw my great-grandma alive, a few days before christmas. She didn't remember me, but at the nursing home there was a piano, and I sat down and played some stuff because I didn't know what to say. I was really into lisa the painful rpg at the time, and I played that "I've got the joy" song that the villain sings without realizing it was an old christian campfire song. She didn't really say much or move that whole night, just kind of gave me a polite blank smile, but started singing the words when I played the notes to that song.

I kinda stopped in shock, my dad frantically asked me to keep playing, so I did. While the comic I made is way more sappy than the actual moment was, I wish I'd cherished the moment longer. I didn't know it was the last time I'd see her alive. Every family christmas was held at her house when she was around, so it's been weird the past few years. I actually lost another dementia-addled grandma to cancer on christmas eve in 2009, so the holiday was already kind of weird for me on top of everything else that makes me sad this time of year. That's what part 2 was about, I'll spare the details but I wrote leshy to act out how I felt back then. Why are we all sad? This is supposed to be a happy time, all the decorations are up and we're almost all here, so why is everyone smiling yet everything feels so wrong? I feel like since leshy's canonically the most ignorant one to things lurking below the surface, he'd be the one to try and make everyone feel better but not quite understand why everyone is so miserable. My first memory of having self injurious behavior came from then, hence why I had leshy pull his leaves off in the last comic. It was confusing and frustrating and I was just old enough to comprehend something was wrong, but not old enough to understand the depth of it, it DEFINITELY didn't help that nobody helped me back then so I made leshy's siblings actually come in clutch instead of grabbing him/yelling at him.

That night with the piano was something that's stuck with me the few years she's been gone, but I felt kind of strange when I asked my dad and my sister about it and neither of them remembered it. The room we were in was completely empty so nobody else witnessed it but us three. I myself have a history of head trauma and memory loss (plus, native americans are disproportionately more likely to develop dementia... lucky us) so if I ever forgot about that moment, there'd be nobody left to remember it. Sometimes when I do comics, it's my way of going "this happened at some point, and the only evidence it ever happened was me witnessing it, so if something happens to me I want the memory to stay alive in some form."

Anyway. The autistic urge to overshare, am I right? Idk what my religious ass great-grandma would think of me drawing demonic comics about my last memory of her, she'd probably think it's funny though cause she raised my dad whose interests have always been "death metal and devil worship". I'm not sure if anyone read this far, I just hope my dumb comics can convey the things I can't say with my voice and struggle to say through text. None of this was supposed to be "feel bad for me!! Woe is me!!", it was supposed to me more like...cathartic? Healing? I almost didn't post this comic because it felt kinda weird, but seeing people connect with it made it worth it imo. Thank you

[thebibliosphere]

Sometimes, talking about religious trauma with other people is really funny for me (not funny, haha, more funny 'I should probably talk about that more in therapy) because it feels like I'm playing with a stacked deck.

Like, Mothman will talk about growing up with Catholic Guilt���, and another friend will talk about the shit they encountered in a Baptist church, all awful, truly horrific, damaging stuff.

Then they'll ask, "What about you?" and I hesitate because it's like, well, my dad was raised by his strict patriarchal Irish Catholic grandfather and Austrian Jewish grandmother* because his Jehova Witness mother was deemed unfit, so like, he'll argue with God, but feel really bad about it while also feeling the need to tell everyone about it.

And then there's my mother, who was raised Calvinist but fell into Christian Science for a while before falling fully into New Age Occultism tinged with insane family lore** while still holding onto the purity of Calvinism and the faith healing of Christian Science, which led to my parents raising me as an indigo starseed child sent to earth by angels to absorb the pain of others as God intended and that's why I never got taken to the doctor because it wasn't my body that was in pain, it was my soul.

And it's like, I swear I'm not trying to one-up you, I SWEAR. My family tree is just a smorgasbord of poor life choices and questionable reasoning ability.

----

*Arguably, the only normal one in the entire family who did her best to keep a lid on everything. ** Apparently, there was some family curse on my mother's mother's side from pissing off a fairy that caused all kinds of health problems that no one looked into because it was "the curse." They're still somewhat mad at me for going to a doctor and getting diagnosed with a genetic connective tissue disorder. Though, arguably, what is a genetic disorder if not a familial curse?

[f1ghtsoftly]

I would like us all to collectively chill out about rooting out fake lesbians. Many lesbians have sexual or personal trauma/addictions that led them to sleeping with men or were simply put in a position, by force or otherwise, that they could not refuse a man.

I do believe women misidentify as lesbians and sometimes, you can catch a vibe about someone, but I really want to caution women to weigh the risk of regarding another sister with suspicion or wasting too much energy on rooting out “fakes”. When we do that, we risk attacking or isolating lesbians who’ve already been through an ordeal, whether it’s time in the sex industry, sexual assault or religious trauma etc…they’re probably the ones who need our community and support the most.

So just make sure you’re sure in your suspicion and you’ve already explored other alternative explanations for why someone would be acting funny or have a history with men before you suggest they’re a fake.

I feel like I write this on all my posts but, if you aren’t someone who’s dealt with sexual, religious, physical abuse, homelessness, drug addiction etc…I can’t encourage you enough to read up on how situations like that effect people because sometimes surviving those situations turns you into a person you thought you could never be and you would do anything to survive it and not lose your mind. So please, have some compassion, be a little skeptical and be grateful if you’ve never been in a situation like that! But also keep your mind open that you can be a lesbian and have slept with men, sometimes not even through direct physical coercion but because you need money or you believe you’re going to hell or a million other completely valid, horrific things society does to try to convince women they’re better of being raped and hating themselves then being who they are.

And if you see this post and say wow! No one in my circle is like this please send me some of your favorite blogs ahaha because this post is inspired by someone who acted like this and they’re not necessarily representative of the lesbian community writ large, but they’re enough of an irritating minority that I’ve encountered them before and wanted to write this post.

[thedeaddiscodame]

Growing up Mormon is so weird because like I am a full grown adult, haven't attended church in years, got my name stricken from the records, don't believe in any of it, the whole shtick- AND YET STILL, the idea that coffee is somehow this illicit sinners drink is still unconsciously lodged in my silly little brain. Like, I love coffee! It is very tasty! But genuinely Everytime I drink it you would think I was a 15 year old trying to sneak alcohol past her parents. Religious trauma can be funny sometimes!

[megoomy]

got a request for my vesperia berseria au designs and i do have character sheets for them so: everyone is free to draw these if they want! credit is nice but, well, these all heavily reference official tales designs so i dont want to take too much credit for them lol. you can also write about the au and take any amount of what we've come up with, i really don't care, it's all for fun.

UNDER THE CUT: a vague summary of the concept. warning for Profound Self Indulgence and Somewhat Half-Assed Worldbuilding (world...changing? world editing? whatever)

okay basically flynn and yuri met as kids in a village that basically serves as the lower quarter of the au, but after spending a few years together daemons attack the village and nearly everyone dies. yuri survives, but in the process he’s become a daemon. flynn also survives, but is deeply traumatized and gets picked up by the exorcists (conveniently too late to save anyone in typical form). neither knows the other survived. to make matters worse, flynns trauma causes some memory loss…he still definitely remembers that time in the village but its very fuzzy now and as he gets older that only gets worse. and like he thinks all those people died so hes not really trying to remember them.

flynn becomes an exorcist (some flavor of legate) and is going around eradicating daemons when he runs into yuri. he doesnt recognize yuri but yuri is pretty sure he recognizes flynn. but yuri isnt about to say that when flynn is trying to kill him LOL. the general arc is that yuri keeps slipping away and flynn keeps seeing more about him in his efforts to hunt him down, realizing that this strikingly handsome strangely familiar daemon is actually...very kind? takes care of children? helps people for no gain? and this calls into question everything that he thought he understood about the world which is quite troubling.

you can think of them as similar to velvet and eleanor. but I think when flynn joins yuri it's by choice, not because yuri's forced him to be a vessel or because flynn's a spy or anything like that. or at least, he's been thrown out by the abbey for one reason or another and joins yuri instead. (we've tossed around quite a few versions of this. we love playing in the space.)

we've bounced around ideas about the rest of the cast but i only have a sheet for estelle, who is a malak controlled by the abbey ala phi. assigned to flynn, ends up with yuri one way or another. i think rita sees that malaks are people and while she wants to coordinate with them to use their strength she doesn't like how they're treated as tools (the way she feels about blastia more or less).

if you're curious about why flynn and yuri have different fates, like, in terms of lore compliance. i think yuri seeing the thing he holds most dear, the community that cared for him, destroyed in an instant, would probably fill him with malevolence no matter what, especially depending on the circumstances. (like, if the abbey was manipulating things to create daemons or therions) yuri's like...a deeply conflicted character full of self loathing, so, being a daemon really suits him. i think that malevolence would only grow as he sees the world and the abbey for what it really is. unlike someone like rose, yuri NEVER feels unconflicted about Doing Murders.

flynn in canon is pretty conflicted himself of course but i see him as similar to eleanor who can sometimes produce malevolence but has a certain purity of heart that keeps them as pretty good vessel material. nowhere near someone like sorey or rose, and definitely wouldn't have had enough resonance pre-artorius' plot to see anything. also i think the brain trauma and being picked up by the abbey leads to him having very clear purpose and a black and white view for some time, so that helps. (look, let me be real with you, half of the impetus for this au was "it would be funny if flynn had like, religious trauma")

design notes not on the sheets: - yuri's daemonblighted skin is cooler to the touch than his regular skin. but he's a guy with cold hands regardless - i've got purple highlights in his eyes but i think of them as glinting purple in the light. like an animal i guess? - yuri's outfit is mostly inspired by his spirit gear in rays, aside from his normal game canon outfit. - estelle is pulling from a lot of different abbey associated characters but mostly her own design...i didn't want to give her something weird like A FUCKING COLLAR especially bc she's not given to A WEIRDO EXORCIST but i wanted some kind of symbol of captivity so i went instead for a golden mask. pulling from the common malak's gold mask/helmets and seres' mask. in canon a lot of estelle's arc is about being sheltered so i feel like covering her eyes feels, appropriate? idk. - i think yuri still gives estelle her nickname but she wouldn't start out as estellise so its more like yuri gives her a name - you may notice she has the flame of purification (does that have a different proper name? blanking on it) which kind of implies that she's connected to innominat. please don't ask me to elaborate on that point because i literally don't know yet. i think if i were to make her a normal elementally aligned malak she'd be water like her spirit gear in rays, but it feels like she should be Special just like how she's a child of the full moon in canon. we just, haven't really figured out, does the berseria cast still exist, are we replacing them, what would that look like, etc. sorry that stuff should be more important to the concept but we are simply playing with the dolls. teehee

[levyfiles]

watcher love time: what’s your favourite thing about each of the founders?

What a sexually-attractive question, em; thanks for asking

Steven Lim: He's so resilient. His experiences socially have made him so that even his trauma responses to being bullied and pranked as a kid are compassionate and reflective. He is always endeavouring to be better than he was the year before. He is loyal beyond belief and honestly, if I had known more people whose faith guided them into kindness, acceptance and self-sacrifice the way it does for him, I'd have a whole different perspective on religious belief as a whole. He's also funny in a way you can't train into someone and I also like how he navigates social situations in the most relatable way. He makes PodWatcher the most fun for me.

Ryan Bergara: He's forever curious in a way that makes me believe youth in anyone can be preserved in the spirit. I don't know how to make it clear to the world that I might just let this man get away with murder. He probably would have a good reason idk lol but facetiousness aside, he's a damn hard worker. Like I find work ethic in a person to be such an attractive thing. His hyperfixations are unapologetic and it makes me genuinely respect him. He's beautiful both on the inside and out and his form of comedy is so unique that sometimes it's like a car crash I can't look away from. He aspires to do good by others and he has such a strong principled perspective on his relationships with his family, spouse and friends that he has what I truly believe, is a hero's heart. He's brave in a way that defies logic and all his pathological barriers.

Shane Madej: He aspires so much be kind that I can sometimes see how the effort paralyses him to be more proactive socially. His curiosity is only paralleled in Ryan but he has such a very visible love for the world, for humanity, for stories that I can understand why people find him charming and soothing and I can understand that that is the reason he doesn't mind spending a quarter of his career hunting for ghosts because it's more about the experience of traveling and being with friends and doing a job that brings joy to other people than it is about being right. He feels like someone you could trust with a secret whether low stakes or high. I like that he has a unique voice when he sings and he's leaned into it to the point where 30% of his career is now singing.

Thank you again for asking this, Em. It gave me a nice opportunity to detangle myself from my own threads of hurt and upset to remember the reason I'm here and why I have been since 2018.

[snellyfish]

Why is Angie your favourite character?

This is really funny I just got off call with Glownary and was talking about how much I don't miss Danganronpa discourse. Anyway I hope someone finds a way to get mad at me in this post!

((Admittedly I'd probably actually place Korekiyo above her because he ACTUALLY has a relevant and specified canon story,,, but, y'kno))

Plain and simple, she just has a handful of design and character tropes I super adore in characters! As a base, I'm usually not super into,,, well-adjusted, well-liked , reasonable, and rational characters. LMAO. They're fine but I live for exaggeration. I LOVE when they're little freaks and not watered down at all for the viewers sake/comfort, I love when they (both the writers and the written) just keep twisting the knife for no good reason other than the bit despite how unconventional it may be.

One could argue that her not being watered down and being as shitty to the other players as she is is a trauma response, or just a mentally ill person being mentally ill. It can be neat to think of her that way sometimes! It's of my opinion that almost all Danganronpa characters are super open-ended lore/personality-wise and we as fans are just making up canon as we go because it's FUCKING FUN, and, as such, all the ways that Angie can be interpreted is very interesting to me-- EVEN if that's seen as "the irredeemable annoying religion-force-feeding zealot antagonist." Which is, of course, an objectively awful way to view anyone REGARDLESS of media illiteracy, but, you know! I like weird freaks so this "flaw" they see is simply more food for me. Yippee!!

Whether I think she's canonically A) genuinely malicious and sadistic, B) traumatized from an abusive religious sect, C) honestly caring about the other players, and/or D) none/all of the above? I'll never tell! Oops all bangers!

Tropes I enjoy, whether or not I found myself enjoying them BECAUSE of Angie herself;;

Religion, especially if it's horrifying and...bad! (Most of my own characters deal heavily with religion and religious trauma, I think it's cool to play with, whether or not it's a fantasy religion like I think Angie's is)

CULTS! Cult behavior! Let's live in a commune!! (GUYS I LOVE MIDSOMMAR)

Dark skin / light hair contrast color combo goes hard!!!

+ The pansexual flag palette is literally my favorite color combo ever!!!!

Manipulative little shits!!!!!

Small scary women!!!!!!

Islander stuff, it's very nostalgic to me and I just have a deep love and appreciation for the beach and ocean!!!!!!!

Piercings!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cutesy sunshine character who could and would stab you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BLOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IDK HOW THIS WASN'T MY FIRST POINT!!!!!!!!!!

AND SHE'S JUST FUCKING SILLY!!!!!!!! SHE'S GENUINELY SO FUNNY AND CUTE ESPECIALLY IN HER INTERACTIONS WITH SHUICHI!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE HER SO BAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She was an IMMEDIATE favorite when I played V3 and when I found out that, like, everyone fucking HATED her and she's probably the least liked character in the entire class by the fans, my brain immediately went the contrarian route to find reasons to like her even MORE. I tend to do this a lot, but when it's a character I already enjoy, it's even worse, dude.

ummmmm obligatory Shinnaga mention sorry but I frequently tend to appreciate a character a lot more based on potential dynamics alone. Ships, romantic or not, have legitimately gotten me to enjoy characters I hated before, based on interesting interactions unique to them alone. So while Kiyo and Angie's (they're making out btw) ingame dynamic and dialogues aren't REALLY what my sick and twisted mind views them as, it's worth noting that my honest belief and interpretation of the two of them could even give me a sliver of that dynamic being possible .......... means she's fuckin slay ............ it means love wins..... It means Vote For Yonaga 2024

[blue-thief]

respectfully asking you to drop those trans hcs for the bllk boys!!!

yeah sure ofc i'm so glad you asked!

i'll split them up based on which NEL team they're on for the sake of my own sanity

(i don't actually hc ALL of them to be trans so i'll just mention the ones i actually have a hc for lol)

bastard munchen

kaiser - THE most trans-coded of the bunch imo. like the whole thing with the blue rose tattoo to represent "turning the impossible into reality" and "defying the natural order of things". and his full name is "michael kaiser" which can be interpreted as "god's chosen emperor". there's no way bro was given that name at birth. he's also coded to have religious trauma which would become much more layered if you interpret him as trans. he's also, interestingly enough, the only one to NOT have a metal chain around his neck on his cover. he's the only one with glass. a lot of ppl have interpreted this as him having a fragile ego, but glass can also be taken to symbolize transformation (i just pulled this from a random website talking about the spiritual meaning of glass lmao). ALSO also him being annoyed by his long hair in ness's flashback. trans. plus his insecurity concerning how good he is in comparison to (who he perceives as) cis players just screams insecure trans masc who's relying too much on toxic masculinity to affirm his gender to his peers lmao.

ness - he totally thought he would have to fight his parents on this but they were surprisingly cool with it + even helped him w puberty blockers and stuff. he still hates them for the anti-magic stuff but at least they're not transphobic?

isagi - don't ask me to explain this i just get those vibes

noa - (reporter) "what is your opinion on trans people with an unfair biological advantage in sports?" (noa, a trans man who transitioned wayy before he got famous) "i AM trans people with an unfair biological advantage in sports"

pxg

shidou - he just has bigender vibes man. japanese isn't big on third-person pronouns, but once he starts getting better at english, he'd def start collecting pronouns like pokemon cards. he figured out his identity through chainsaw man ("wow denji's just like me fr but so is angel devil but so is asa but so is-")

ubers

(i have nothing for any of the ubers. feel free to prove me wrong)

fc barcha

bachira - non-binary but he doesn't know it yet (any and all pronouns once he does figure it out)

manshine city

chigiri - peak gender, everyone confuses him for a girl. he uses masculine language, and while he sometimes acts annoyed when ppl call him princess, he doesn't bother correcting them. does anyone actually know chigiri's gender? no. does he know what it is? yes. will he tell anyone? no. he thinks it's funny to keep ppl guessing with the constant contradictions

reo - i didn't actually hc him as trans at first but the post i was complaining about earlier was dunking on this hc specifically so uhhh yeah he's trans now sorry i don't make the rules <3. his dad's company also pioneered top surgery that doesn't leave any scars which is why no one in bllk has any. like with ness, his dad is surprisingly not transphobic but he sucks in other ways lmao (but now that you think of it, his whole struggle with wanting to live a life completely different from what his parents had in mind for him IS a very trans-coded backstory)

[capseycartwright]

Excited for this fic of yours? Feel like sharing a snippet with us?

this is the only encouragement i need to share a snippet so here u go

catholic trauma eddie my most beloved

“Did you like it? Being religious.”

No one had ever asked Eddie that before.

“Yeah,” the admission surprised him. “When I was a kid, I loved it. I liked the music, more than anything, I think, but the community too – I never felt lonely. Not until I was a teenager, at least.”

“What made you feel lonely when you were a teenager?”

“I – I grew up in Texas in the early 2000s, Frank,” Eddie gave his therapist a wry smile. “The rest of the world was starting to progress, and it felt like you were seeing gay people on television, and none of that was acceptable to the world I lived in. I remember being fourteen years old, and lying in bed, crying under the covers, and wondering what would happen if I ran away to somewhere like New York – where it felt like you were allowed to be anyone you wanted to be.”

The admission made something constrict in Eddie’s chest. Fourteen. That’s how old Christopher was now, and if Eddie thought his son was lying in bed, alone, crying himself to sleep because he was terrified of feelings he couldn’t explain because no one had ever taught him the right words to understand himself, Eddie would be heartbroken. He was heartbroken – for the kid he had been and the adult he’d grown up to be because of those long nights he’d spent curled under his duvet, crying out to a God who didn’t love him for help.

Frank passed him a tissue.

Oh –

Eddie was crying.

“Who would you have been, if you had run away to New York?”

It was a funny thought, really. Eddie didn’t regret staying in Texas, because he had ended up with Christopher, and nothing in him would ever regret being Christopher’s father, but he sometimes thought about it, who he might have been if he’d been able to run away like he’d dreamed of.

“I’d be freer,” Eddie settled on, thinking of a version of himself uninhibited by the church, the army, all of the things that had kept him from living a life true to the one his fourteen-year-old self was so afraid of living.

“And what do you think is stopping you from being free now?”

“I’m afraid,” Eddie huffed out. “I’m terrified, Frank. I have spent thirty-two years of my life playing pretend, being the kind of man that people expect me to be. If I have to admit to everyone that version of me has been a lie, I’m terrified of what they might think – I’m scared of what my son will think of me. I’m afraid he’ll believe I never loved his mom, and I loved her, I really did. I’m terrified that my parents will think I’m not an acceptable kind of parent to raise my son. I’m scared that my sisters won’t want to know me, and that my abuela won’t call me her favourite anymore, and that the church I grew up in will lock its doors and never let me in again.”

[numberonetacostan]

It's pretty fun reading older II fics speculating about what their parents were like before it was revealed that they don't have any.

The common theme among interpretations of Taco's parents was that they were shit though, atleast from what I read, it made sense at the time though, I do remember reading a tacomic fic with religious trauma and internalised homophobia in it, it was interesting not in a bad way it was more of a emotional roller coaster. (The religious trauma part is kind of funny when the closest thing they have to a God in is Mephone4 but that's another thing).

(Also some where Cobs was her dad still not sure how I feel about that exactly).

I do sometimes like to think about what their parents could've been like in relation to their characters if they did exist, I remember a theory that Paintbrush had a parent who was on object with some sort of fire source as an explanation for how they flame up whenever they get mad for example.

Hello there!!!^^ Welcome, and thank you for sending in an ask!!! :]

It is interesting looking at people's thoughts on the contestant's pasts before the twist! To be honest, I don't read that much ii fanfic, unfortunately. I've been a bit spoiled for quality and quantity by some of my other interests, so I can't find a lot of ii fics that I like. Maybe it's also because I don't use Wattpad? I only use ao3 and occasionally ff.net, so that could be the problem, but I really don't want to make a wattpad account, so.

With how Taco tends to act before the beginning of her redemption, I can see why people would think she has shit parents. The religious trauma and internalized homophobia are interesting ways to take it, I'm not sure if I go for those but they could certainly be interesting to explore!! I see Taco's reluctance with Mic as more of her general reluctance to be emotionally open and connect with other people, rather than internalized homophobia, though.

Cobs being her Dad is wild to think about now, but pre-reveal I can kind of see how once would reach that conclusion? Maybe? Either way, poor Taco, the last thing she needs is another relationship that goes terribly. It's not even her fault this time!!!!!

Thinking about what objects their parents would have been is fun!!!! For Painty, like you mentioned, I like to think their parents would have been a torch and a violin bow!!!

[siffrin-enthusiast]

For the ask game... I gotta know your thoughts on Gabriel Ultrakill

gabe is this u

first impression -> oh that should be me. gender ENVY WRATH AND GREED. i stopped dead in gluttony and went real quiet because i realized i was about to get my shit rocked (i did, indeed, get my shit rocked)

impression now -> ohghghghghgod you can fit so much religious trauma in him. divinity in rot and decay. he deserves another fourteen murders free of charge

favorite moment -> when he starts yelling at v1. when he completely and utterly loses it. when his life, his god is falling like glistening ash in the bloodied snow around him. and how he looks at v1 with such vitriol before it bleeds into want. god

idea for a story -> exploring what was going through gabriel's head as he LET the council take the light from him. gabriel oneshot the whole council. the only reason they took the father's light away is because he WANTED them to. he felt htey SHOULD.

unpopular opinion -> i know and love the funny fandom joke about gabriel being a pathetic meowmeow. it's wonderful keep it coming. but i feel like the fandom forgets how richly complex of a character gabriel is sometimes!!

favorite relationship -> i think gabriel's interactions with the ferryman are really sweet. he saved the ferryman and treated him with kindness. he was born and raised and used as a weapon, yes, but the sword was also brandished to defend.

favorite headcanon -> gabriel and v1 have a symbiotic relationship of v1 feeding on gabriel in return for v1 sparring and companionship an d nothing bad happens ever

[eww-y-tho]

Every Single Thing I Have Ever Shipped!

Okay, let me be clear with a disclaimer that this has been throughout my entire life, and obviously, media targeted towards children that are mentioned are most definitely in the past.

I have them formatted with a small chunk of info as to why I ship/shipped them. I sorted them in order of how weird I think they are, from plain vanilla to the esoteric. I am also going to have a checkmark [✅] signifier that will indicate whether I've read fics for the ship or not.

This is a long one, so turn away while you still can, because "keep reading" will kill you unless you're actually invested, which, I don't know why you would be.

Also, this couldn't possibly be everything I have ever shipped. But it's as much as I could possibly think of.

Heartstopper

Nick Nelson/Charlie Spring ✅

I love these two, and even though I figured out most of the things about my sexuality before Heartopper graced my screen, Nick Nelson still had a very similar, albeit not identical, journey of discovery to mine, which makes me even more attached. 

Elle Argent/Tao Xu ✅

They are so adorable. I love what their relationship represents and their dynamic in the sense of their attachment to each other. Like most people, I think I got a bit frustrated on their first date scene, but it was understandable, so that’s just a small gripe I have.

Darcy Olsson/Tara Jones ✅

I already made a post talking about how I felt about the foil between Darcy and B*n, but my opinion boils down to ‘the girlboss is slaying despite her situation,’ and I think Tara is an amazing girlfriend for her and they genuinely made me cry.

Bridgerton

Colin Bridgerton/Penelope Featherington ✅

Bruh. Just look at my acc.

Supernatural

Dean Winchester/Castiel ✅

I could not be more late to Destiel and the queerbaiting was murderous, but I still love the ship. They also trigger my religious trauma sometimes but I never claimed to value my mental health, so yeah.

Samuel Winchester/Eileen Leahy ✅

C’mon, she was the only fit that I loved for Sam other than Jess. She could not be any cuter with him and I just think they’re adorable af. Another reason to hate 15x20.

Shadowhunters

Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood ✅

Are you joking? How could I watch this show and not ship it? They’ve made me straight-up sob on multiple occasions. The immortality thing does depress me, but I can live with it.

Simon Lewis/Isabelle Lightwood ✅

God, when I tell you this ship single-handedly revived my interest in the nerd/hot person trope I am not lying. They’re honestly too perfect for each other sometimes.

Lord of the Rings

Frodo Baggins/Samwise Gamgee

“Sam.” But meme aside, I was fighting tears by the end. Honestly, I love their dynamic as it is, but I could still see a romantic reading.

Aragorn/Arwen Undómiel

Fuck, they got me so invested it’s not even funny. I felt less attached to them than I could’ve been but I still loved the dynamic and rooted for them so much.

Star Wars

Anakin Skywalker/Padmé Amidala

I think everyone loves this ship as a tragedy to some degree, even if you hate the prequels. Plus Clone Wars just made me sad af all over again so they deserve a spot on the list.

Star Trek

James Kirk/Spock ✅

Okay, you got me, I never watched an ounce of Star Trek besides Spirk content. And even from a peripheral view knowing that Kirk is supposed to be a lady's man, they’re still gay beyond reason.

The Nanny

Fran Fine/Maxwell Sheffield

This show was my childhood, I think I started watching it with my family when I was under 10. Anyway, I feel like they were a slow burn done correctly. Wholesome as all hell, plus Fran is an amazing character and I love how she integrated herself into the family the right way.

C. C. Babcock/Niles

You cannot deny that the “I loathe you” kiss was perfect. They hated each other for so long, and I get the dislike of that aspect to the relationship, but they still made them believable without squashing their pre-established chemistry.

H20: Just Add Water

Cleo Sertori/Lewis McCartney

I cannot believe that Sea Change and the episode where Lewis left made me cry. I must’ve watched Sea Change like 50 million times because it was just peak cinema to me, but I couldn’t watch Lewis leaving again because it crushed my soul so violently. The moment when he came back with that sweeping camera motion made me audibly gasp and kick my legs. It was that bad. 

Rikki Chadwick/Zane Bennett

I’m really sad they didn’t work it out in the end, although I completely understand Rikki and I wouldn’t want to go back to Zayne myself. Although it did seem like Zayne was trying to make things right with her in the last episode? But Mako Mermaids didn’t show her with Zayne, so I’m inclined to believe they never made up.

Yuri On Ice

Yuri Katsuki/Victor Nikiforov ✅

When I tell you I fully screamed at the kiss scene AND the proposal, I am not lying. They were just the ship you freak out over, you know?

Yuri Plisetsky/Otabek Altin ✅

Welcome To The Madness made me open my third eye. I didn’t ship them before then, even though I did think they would be good together. 

Free!

Makoto Tachibana/Haruka Nanase ✅

This was my OTP ride-or-die for a solid year. I’m still very fond of the ship because I joined the fandom just when the war was ending so I didn’t experience a lot of toxicity.

Rei Ryugazaki/Nagisa Hazuki ✅

These two were perpetually second place, but I still adored the dynamic and was obsessed with two specific fics for ages.

Rin Matsuoka/Sousuke Yamazaki ✅

Is perpetually in third place. I’m not as invested in this ship, but a fic would get +5 points if it was a side pairing, you know? That vibe.

Kuroko No Basket

Tetsuya Kuroko/Taiga Kagami

I’ll be honest, I only like this ship by aesthetics alone, and I haven't seen enough of this show to really get into the fandom, because, you know, I dropped off of sports anime. I still like how they look, but I just don’t care about them enough.

Pirates of the Caribbean

Elizabeth Swann/Will Turner

Like, I don’t think I need to explain myself here. The sheer sexual energy present in this ship is suffocating. 

Hunger Games

Katniss Everdeen/Peeta Mallark ✅

Oh my god, where to begin? I love these two, they were my Bella and Edward if that comparison makes sense. Except for a better relationship in every single way, no biggie. Personally, that quote is a bit overused to explain their relationship, but it still made me shrivel into a prune.

Finnick Odair/Annie Cresta

The only person I would want Finnick with other than myself. They gave cute, wholesome, true love and just passed the vibe check with flying colours.

Merlin

Merlin/Arthur Pendragon ✅

Again, another ship I love even though I haven’t watched the source material. I do remember watching the ‘two hours of merthur scenes’ YouTube video a few years before I got into the fandom, so It’s been in my peripheral view for a while.

My Hero Academia

Arcane

Jayce Talis/Viktor ✅

Like- okay. They just hit different; I binge watched s2 with my sister, and the entire time, I was wondering who the mage guy was. Meanwhile, she was trying to convince me that Jayce is actually the villain because of obvious reasons, and she started being whiney when I was like, "I still don't see why." and then, when he was chatting with AU Viktor in ep 7, I had the lightbulb moment and was like "IS THAT VIKTOR?" and she TROLLED ME, she just went "nah" and I believed her like the good sister I am. Anyway, jayvik has my whole heart. THEIR SOULS ARE INTERTWINED IN THE ASTRAL PLANE.

Oof, I don’t like MHA anymore because it was just too toxic, and this ship used to be the OTP after Free!, but like, it’s fallen in the ranks super hard. 

Izuku Midoriya/Bakugo Katsuki ✅

Shōta Aizawa/Hizashi Yamada ✅

They were the subtle one that I shipped because why wouldn’t you, you know? They were beyond cute in their scenes together, and I loved the perpetual teasing.

BTS

Jeon Jeongguk/Kim Taehyung ✅

My OTP for two years after MHA, I used to be pretty crazy about them. I realized that these were people and it started to feel gross so I fell off the ship pretty quickly after that.

Kim Seokjin/Kim Namjoon ✅

Again, my youthful mind just reduced them to mom and dad and I didn’t think about it until I got more into fandom politics.

Min Yoongi/Jung Hoseok/Park Jimin ✅

I would ship them in any configuration, I liked all of them, although I did have a preference for Yoonmin.

Dan and Phil

Daniel Howell/Philip Lester ✅

DON’T KILL ME, I WAS A TWEEN. I wasn’t insane about it, but I read some fics and watched ‘Moments That Hit Different’ videos once they both came out. I know they haven’t confirmed anything, and I am respectful of that. I still watch them and I’m glad they’re in a better place now. 

DC

Batman/Joker ✅

Judging by the posts I have already made, you can tell I’m very passionate about this one. But it’s honestly more of a guilty pleasure ship than anything else. I don’t like that I like them.

Harley Quinn/Poison Ivy ✅

They’re another story. Cuties indeed. I love them. I think their relationship is very interesting although it can also cross into toxic territory.

Telltale: Batman

Bruce Wayne/John Doe ✅

I’m singling these two out because they’re just unique from the rest of the ship in a way I can’t explain. Like… If normal Batjokes yearning levels were dialled up 10x more.

Marvel

Venom/Eddie Brock ✅

It’s just a hot ship, sorry. Not to mention their really weird relationship with each other and the fact that they HAVE CHILDREN. Plus I love the cute Venom blob fanart.

Peter Parker/Wade Wilson

I just think they’re an amazing dynamic, with the whole team-up comic and subsequent moments together.

Detroit: Become Human

Simon/Markus ✅

Even if the cut romance path with Simon is just a rumour, I feel like we were robbed of some great LGBTQ representation. “Our hearts are compatible” will make my heart clench to this day.

Hank Anderson/Connor ✅

Another one I’m not too proud of, in retrospect, although I still do see some romantic tones to the relationship. But the fics were great, not gonna lie.

Kara/Luther ✅

I love them in a found family way, but I can see them being together in a hypothetical future together in Canada scenario.

Tales of Zestiria

Sorey/Mikleo ✅

Boi, another ship I feel very strongly about. Objectively, they are canon and I’m going to continue to believe they are. I love their shared dream and I think the foundation of their relationship is very precious.

Rose/Alisha ✅

Super cute. They honestly feel stronger in The X, but the DLC did also make me ship them.

She-Ra

Catra/Adora ✅

I understand the arguments against this ship, that it’s kind of toxic and all that, but I just don’t care. They literally feel like soulmates and I just vibe with this dynamic. A perfect kiss, and a great ending.

Sailor Moon

Haruka Tenou/Michiru Kaiou

I only watched the first few episodes of the original Sailor Moon and the ending with my sister for my birthday, so this is another ship that I haven’t seen. But I still love them from what I’ve been exposed to and I hate that they were reduced to friends with the English dub.

Cardcaptor Sakura

Touya Kinomoto/Yukito Tsukishiro

Again, a peripheral ship where I didn’t watch or see Cardcaptor Sakura, but I mean, they’re adorable and canon. Not much else to say about it.

Attack On Titan

Ymir/Krista Lenz ✅

Let me break this down before everyone hates me. I love Ymir and Krista. Ymir was really the push she needed to become her own person and I love that arc. But I’m also a firm believer in bisexuality existing, headcanons are fine, and that it’s okay to move on from past loves.

Eren Yeager/Historia Reiss ✅

I was kind of cringe during this era, and I did think they were endgame, which is why the ending tainted my opinion of the show overall. I fell off the show pretty shortly after the manga finished. But sometimes I will revisit these two to torture myself for some reason. I’m sure Destiel and Merthur shippers can concur.

Erwin Smith/Levi Ackerman ✅

You know, I loved the fake Ackerman lore that Eren came up with because it was an interesting literary device and at least confirmed this ship slightly. They felt very gay in a weird way.

Armin Arlert/Annie Leonhart ✅

It’s funny, I shipped them before Annie was revived and fell off the ship once they became canon. It felt really strange, but the way the relationship played out felt just contrived and fake afterward.

Haikyu!

Hinata Shoyo/Kageyama Tobio ✅

Ya’ll, symbolism at its finest. I’m not sure what happened to their relationship after watching season 3, which is when I dropped the show because I lost interest in sports anime in general.

Daichi Sawamura/Koshi Sugawara ✅

Oof, another mom and dad ship that I appreciated a lot. It was another constant +5 if it was a side pairing in a fic.

Seraph Of The End

Mikaela Hyakuya/Yuichiro Hyakuya ✅

(For anyone that’s alarmed and doesn’t know, they’re not actually related.)  They’re very frustrating for me because they are so aesthetic, and they are honestly quite close to canon. But I just think there are certain aspects to the relationships that I don’t like, like Mika’s obsessive behaviours toward Yuu. Just reminds me of Eremika.

The Betrayal Knows My Name

Sakurai Giou/Luka Crosszeria

Okay, the one thing that I actually love about this ship is the reincarnation aspect to it because it really drives home how in love they are with each other. Yuki will always love Luka even if he doesn’t remember him, and Luka will love Yuki no matter what form he takes. Very deep.

God Of War: Ragnarok

Atreus/Angrboda ✅

I don’t understand why a lot of people didn’t like this relationship. They were very cute and gave me some Rapunzel/Flynn Rider vibes, especially in the very beginning. And I can see them in a very cute, mutually supportive romance.

Last Of Us Part 1

Ellie Williams/Riley Abel

I refuse to have my adolescence destroyed by part 2 after I saw the smallest clip of Joel dying, so I’m sticking to Left Behind. I was sobbing by the end of that DLC. Also, the show handled THAT scene perfectly. Loved it.

Last Of Us Part 2

(so. I decided to bite the bullet as soon as I wrote that. and I watched a playthrough.)

Ellie Williams/Dina

Okay. Listen. I would love it if they got back together in that theory with the bracelet. But I also see a poetic parallel to Tommy and Maria. Tommy kept disrespecting Maria and putting himself in danger, and it's clear that that's the main reason for them taking a break. There might be a chance to get back together, but it would take a lotta time.

My Little Pony

Fluttershy/Discord ✅

I am shooketh at the implications of the last episode. They were my favourite ship in MLP, and I am sad to share the cringe that I watched Bride and Daughter of Discord when that was around. But the whole paper bag thing during the epilogue made me implode, I’m so happy they ended up semi-canon.

Rainbow Dash/Apple Jack

They did have many moments that left me in a chokehold when I was in my older childhood years, but I fell off MLP for a solid 5 years before hearing the rumours on the grapevine that they became canon. And they are super close, you can tell.

Undertale

Undyne/Alphys ✅

These iconic chaotic lesbians made me squeal at Undyne’s cheek kiss in the end credits. I love practically every single one of their scenes together.

RG 1/RG 2 ✅

They literally made me blush during their boss fight. Raw dude bro love that turned into something more. Something deeper.

Lightning Point

Zoey/Kiki

I’m pretty sure no one in existence knows what this show is, but lemme tell you, Zoey and Kiki just gave me the vibe of an alien couple on a little adventure that gets trapped on Earth. I don’t remember the ending, but I do remember how cute they were. 

Life Is Strange

Chloe Price/Maxine Caulfield

Despite the bad rep this ship has gotten over the years, I would still sacrifice Arcadia Bay at any opportunity. Their kiss was truly a magical moment.

Stanley Parable

Narrator/Stanley

The Not Stanley ending still breaks my heart when I watch it, and Ultra Deluxe just expanded on their relationship so well. They give “I hate to love you and love to hate you” vibes.

Ace Attorney

Phoenix Wright/Miles Edgeworth ✅

Oh come on, anyone who doesn’t ship them confuses me. They have the backstory, they have the revealed, close relationship, and everybody acknowledges the subtext. This ship feels so similar to the Destiel situation rabbit hole, honestly. And it’s also incredibly frustrating.

Little Nightmares 2

Six/Mono

Kind of crazy, considering the end of the game, but I thought that their dynamic was very poetic and tragic. Personally, I don’t think that Six was malicious when she let go of Mono, I think she just recognized Mono was The Thin Man and wanted to prevent him from becoming himself in the future.

Mario

Bowser/Luigi ✅

I love how this ship exploded so quickly and I just love the duality of the ship. It’s either very good smut or the cutest diabetes-inducing sugary fluff.

Scream

Billy Loomis/Stu Macher

Textbook queercoding. I’m sorry, that back hug still makes me shiver. They truly felt threatening and scary which is an especially difficult emotion to get from me.

60 Parsecs

Baby Bronco/Emmet Ellis

I have Markiplier’s video of his playthrough of this game to thank for me shipping them. I couldn’t stop laughing when he was like ”You were elevated, de-elevated, ascended, descended, repeatedly.” He made me ship them so quickly it was actually insane.

Sims 4

Malcolm Landgraab/Cassandra Goth

It’s a weird ship that I found from someone else, but I do love the idea of a Romeo/Juliet situation with these two. Except that they’re both rich. And Malcom is an asshole. Who cares though, that can be fixed in post with a little thing called MC Command Center.

Kim Possible

Kim Possible/Ron Stoppable ✅

This show opened my scope for multishipping. To this day, this is the only time where I ship two things at once with the same level of love. Anyway, Ron was just such a dumbass and I love them.

Kim Possible/Shego ✅

COME ON NOW. They were the first jerk of a pull start to the discovery of my sexuality. Also very cute, I love their storyline together. I find it easier to believe Shego was in love with Kim, but it’s still a very solid ship.

Ever After High

Apple White/Darling Charming ✅

I know people make a huge drama over it, but I also can’t get over the fact that Darling’s kiss breaks the curse. But even then, their small moments do make me think that the story might’ve been gearing up in that direction. I’m not sure, though.

Raven Queen/Dexter Charming

These two are miscommunication gold. And I hate it. But I love it. They are less compelling than the other ships that I enjoy from this show, but I still like them together a lot.

Rosabella Beauty/Daring Charming

I don’t know, I’m just a sucker for a good Beauty and the Beast story, plus this is the only relationship that gave Daring even a modicum of character development, in my eyes at least.

South Park

Craig Tucker/Tweek Tweak ✅

This ship is wild. Like, I love it so much, but I honestly think it came out of nowhere. Their unique energy just gives me life, the ball of stress next to a cool bean.

Thumbelina

Thumbelina/Cornelius

Ok. SO CORNELIUS' VOICE- "AND I'LL NEVER LET YOU FALL-"

Me and my mom had a moment where we were both sobbing when Thumbelina got her wings. Like everytime we watched this movie. Like 15 times. One of them last week. Yeah, this one hits different.

Sesame Street

Bert/Ernie

CLASSIC HUSBANDS. How could you not ship these literal LGBTQ icons? They say they aren’t in a sexual relationship, but does that matter? No. I love them as Bert and Ernie, two puppets in love.

Henry Stickmin Collection

Henry Stickmin/Charles Calvin ✅

I refuse to talk about the Valiant Hero ending. I’ve never seen such a strong marriage between bro and mance, and their scenes together are always fun.

Reginald Copperbottom/Right Hand Man ✅

I’m just saying that the amount at which Right Hand Man protects Reginald is sus beyond normal proportions. Also the level of trust? “Reg?” It feels absurdly gay.

West of Loathing

Player/Gary

This is one of the weirdest things I’ve ever shipped, considering one of them is just the player character. But Gary is so cute! I love him so much! Any playthroughs where they go with Gary make me so happy.

Dream Daddy

Player/Craig

Another player character, but this one tugs my heartstrings differently. I know a lot of people think Craig is the most bland. Honestly, I just think everyone else is super messy. Like I’m not about to get with the youth minister, my religious trauma did not crush me for this.

VeggieTales

Bob the Tomato/Larry the Cucumber

I actually heard this isn’t too crazy of a ship, but I swear, if you grew up as a Christian queer and watched VeggieTales, you felt the vibes. Like Bert and Ernie, tbh. But also, a scroll of the fics indicates gratuitous smut that I am not down for.

Tom and Jerry

Tom/Jerry

I love the fanart of human Tom and Jerry, but if you think about their relationship, I would say they’re almost as fucked up as Batjokes. They care about each other, but they also inadvertently or purposefully almost kill each other. Love them tho.

Magic School Bus

Carlos Ramon/Phoebe Terese

A wtf ship. But hear me out. I was a literal child and saw a very adorable relationship dynamic that made my heart squeeze. That’s it.

Clifford

Emily Elizabeth/Jetta Handover

Okay. I know what you’re thinking. “What the fuck’s wrong with you?” I know. Another wtf ship. But they were cute, no denying that. I love how Jetta’s character developed and the friendship these two managed to cultivate together. And again, I WAS A CHILD. 

Greek Mythology

Hades/Persephone

I love them. They scream love in such a unique way, and they trigger my arranged marriage turned love story guilty pleasure. Also, we love the fact that Persephone has equal authority to Hades.

Achilles/Patroclus

Have you ever seen anything as gay as these two? They are true mythological tragedy icons at their finest and are just peak masculine love.

Babylonian Mythology

Gilgamesh/Enkidu

More gay tragedy. This one actually makes me emotional, though. Who knew we could find that much of the first story known, have it be major character death and enemies to lovers, on top of being gay af?

Bible

David/Jonathan

Is it heresy? Yes. Is it assuming things? Yes. Is it benefiting from a dodgy translation? Yes. Do have any fucks to give? No. Besides, I have no respect for the Bible. They are gay.

[onyxandemerald]

Having Religious Trauma when your family Wasn't Religious; A Story Time

This was a super weird memory to unpack and honestly I was laughing at it the whole time. You can too, its okay. Its funny.

My family was not religious. My dad was a '60s Catholic school dropout who worked on a farm at 8 just to get by, and I now fully believe my mom's ancestry was full of cunning folk from Poland that fled to USAmerica during WWI. They had assimilated, so we took turns making Polish food on Christmas, but that was the closest thing I had to a tradition my entire childhood. Not even the language had been past down. However, there was an unspoken understanding about things like the horseshoe above the front door ("It brings us good luck") and great-grandma's terror around dolls.

I grew up a Harry Potter kid. My dad was my best friend and loves reading but it gives him a hard time, so we watched the movies together and its still a pillar of our friendship (He Knows). My mom read me real old-timey fairy tales like she grew up on, and was obsessed with The Brother's Grimm. A copy follows me everywhere I live even if I barely read it now as an adult. My mom was another kid who grew up outside with her brothers and sister just playing in the woods and has always has been obsessed with owning a farm and being surrounded with animals and greenery. Growing up she made sure I always had a yard to play in and chickens to hold. It was natural to catch me running around the yard naked as a toddler, but I was chronically bullied by my peers in school and my cousins at family gatherings. My only solace ever was in the trees in the yard and those trees became my best friends and at times my only friends.

The way my childhood went, I grew up way more attuned to nature and spirit, a comfort I never felt in my culture or around people, any people.

So cue middle school, and some of my friends start talking about this youth group. I've never heard these words before, but I would love any opportunity to meet new kids my age who might not instantly hate me. I begged my parents to go. I knew nothing about religion other than it existed, and sometimes they spoke in funny languages and did things with their arms that- holy crap that looks like a spell! Those guys are wizards!! I'm in!!!! My parents had no idea what was going on but they gave in and I went to a church youth group and I was forever scarred.

You guys know what happened. It was a stuffy, mildewy building that was not old enough to be as dusty as it was. The music was Not Good, and the messages kept contradicting itself or dropping in and out of tune. The crafts weren't fun and everybody looked like they hated being there. We did. I was so MAD!

These guys were supposed to teach me how to do spells! I know its real, so why are you wasting my time! I came here to learn MAGICK! I knew that I felt magic, but this church was making a mockery of what the sacred is supposed to be. Religion is supposed to uplift us. Spirituality is meant to heal us and our wounds. Our souls are designed to bring us together in harmony. But in that building, I felt none of that. It felt like an elementary school gymnasium. I knew immediately there was no spirit, no Gd there, and they were lying about being holy men.

As a 13 year old, the conclusion I drew from this was that Gd was dead and we had killed him. I felt cheated, and my instinct was to refute the entire institution.

I had absolutely lost all faith in myself. I don't know what I was hoping for, maybe I was expecting lightning out of my finger tips, but this experience had eroded any idea that magic could be inside of me. It gave me the illusion that religion is just a cheap trick and magic was just a fantasy plot meant to entertain us while we all just accept that we're dying a slow and agonizingly boring death. I began to believe this about all religions, and religion as a concept. Up until this point I had never met a religious person who genuinely enjoyed it. Going to church always was treated like a chore, and so I thought hating religion was going to save people from this same fate.

This left me super confused and frustrated. I already had a full and flesh belief of animism and the power of the universe and then within a couple of hours it was all stripped away. I knew things about spirits and the fae and I think I was already Hellenistic by then, too. I was desperate for materialism to not be all there was to life. I could not accept it. I knew there was something mystical going on behind the scenes and nobody could describe it to me or even admit that they were as confused as I were.

The trauma I got was the underlying perpetuation that I was misled by my own senses and that what I had understood so fully in my heart was a lie. I did not have anyone in my life to reflect my experiences to and no one who could relate, and this institution had been a massive joke. I realized I would have to find out on my own what religion and spirituality meant. As this went on, I got stuck in a loop of;

"Well I'm getting correspondences and I'm reading all the spell recipes and I'm reading about paranormal experiences and I'm obsessed with ghosts and cryptids, but like I'm still not really understanding. Like nobody can just give me an answer! Is magic real or not?! How does burning leaves make me rich?!"

I think that in some sort of effect, I had turned off my emotions and intuition once I had the idea in my head that it was just stupid background chatter and my feelings were annoying and cumbersome and getting in the way of my learning. And then I beat myself up for not understanding spirituality! Not only were my feelings painful, they didn't make sense, but they didn't actually matter in the grand scheme of things. All Gd wanted from me was macaroni art and pony bead bracelets.

The moral of the story is this; even events that don't strike you as traumatizing can still have long term effects on your life. This is why we do shadow work because It wasn't up until I really sat down and picked apart this particular feeling that kept following me, that I was able to really understand how to let these beliefs go. I had accepted religion to be exactly what someone had told me it to be, instead of what I knew I had felt to be true in my blood and bones, and this crushed my confidence and faith in myself. Then I finally realized that I can just follow however I feel, and I can just do that with an infinite success rate for the rest of my life. Maybe I was right and there was no Gd in that building. But I have met Gods in forests, waterfalls, in my best friends' laughter, in my kitten when she falls asleep in my lap, in the jewelry I make, and in my tarot readings. Religion is meant to connect us. Spirituality is meant to uplift and empower us. Our Souls naturally want to draw us together through art and music and love. In this way, each person's spirituality will always be as unique as they are, and that's something to be celebrated. That is Magic.