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Ok guys I know that the IDF is fairly unpopular on here but Unit 9900 is really cool actually ngl I mean making the Elite Autism Squad sounds like a joke that would go popular on this particular website but no it’s an actual thing done by the state of Israel

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no no, you don’t understand, I can’t go to therapy because no professional could possibly understand MY entirely unique kind of trauma, it’s not like that’s their job or anything

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Yes, I am drunk, and in fact high,

On the Portuguese Tawny Port that is a pirated collection of academic treatises on the gender identity of secular and religious clerics in the Middle Ages and the uhhh weed ingots of being awake far too late I’ve never actually done drugs i am not sure how precisely one intakes most recreational substances of moderate severity

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As a non-binary person myself, I do hope that I’m not overstepping by saying that I find most (English) gender-neutral terms of address really stupid. “Mx.” sounds like the noise my cat makes when he opens his mouth to nip at my legs and has no root term, (“Mr.” is shortened from “Mister” which itself derives from “Master”, as in “Master of the House”, though “Master” is still formally used as a term of address for young boys, while “Mrs.” and “Ms.” are shortened from “Missus”, itself derived from “Mistress” (in the sense of a woman with authority rather than one whom someone is having an affair with) while Mx. derives from nothing but itself), simply “M” is in fact not gender-neutral, because, guess what, it’s actually an even MORE shortened form of Mister! “Div” doesn’t sound half bad but will get you mixed up with a degree in divinity studies, “Mir” falls into that abhorrent trap of just being “Sir” with a letter swapped around, hence continuing to evoke masculinity while also, funnily enough, also sounding like one of the sounds that my cat makes. Any of the numerous honorifics that are short for or pronounced as “mystery” serve the dual purpose of both perpetuating the idea that non-binary identities are either just more traditional ones that “aren’t settled on yet” or somehow worrisome and frightening, and sounding terrible. They serve only to be subpar puns and to be funny- neither of which a title should be.

However, using the traditional honorifics for non-binary people is both inaccurate (greatest of all sins) and potentially hurtful. And, of course, stammering “This is uhm- uh- er- (whispered mutter under breath) [NAME]” only gets you so far, despite how much mileage I got out of that option in hit browser game Fallen London. So then, what’s the solution? Do we just continue throwing endless titles at the wall until one sticks? Do we do that but hopefully consider the linguistics of whatever we’d use slightly so that we can simulate the evolution over centuries of a title like the traditional two had, but hopefully at a much faster rate?

Well I don’t know about you but the first one hasn’t worked so far and I don’t see much hope for the second solution, so it might be worth trying another option.

Education! That’s right, education. It’s time to hit the books, folks, because all of us are either heading back to or heading to in the first place a local center of higher education to earn a doctorate.

because we’ve already had a perfectly good gender-neutral title this whole time! Dr., which derives from Doctor, which, you guessed it, is the title given to someone who holds a Doctoral Degree! It doesn’t have to be a doctorate of medicine, it could be anything you find interesting.

But on a more serious note, as a person who’d one day like to enter the priesthood, I’ve given this question a lot of thought. Priests are, after all, traditionally addressed as “The Reverend Father/Mother [NAME]”, and, being someone who does not quite fit quite the gender identity traditionally associated with either parental title, and as one who as you may have guessed from this post would either burst into tears or fly into a violent rage at being addressed as “Reverend Parent” or “Reverend Guardian” due to how sheerly idiotic both sound, I’ve had to contemplate how precisely I’d want to be called by my peers and congregation. (Of course, a note of context is necessary. “Father” as a title is, in an ecclesiastical context, not strictly male, odd as that may sound. I have met several priests who were women who prefer to be addressed as “Father”, for entirely valid and varied reasons. “Father” does not necessarily imply masculinity in this context, it implies a vocation to the priesthood, and is used in that situation in the same way that “Actor” is used by some women performers rather than “Actress”. This of course does not invalidate women priests who take the title “Mother”. However, being AMAB, I hold some personal sensitivity towards masculine terms of address, hence my reluctance to take the paternal title in the hopefully eventual event of my ordination.) Luckily, however, I’ve landed upon a solution. Simply attain a ThD, (You may notice the irony inherent in describing the attainment of a doctorate as simple, but I happen to like that sort of thing, said thing being years and years of schooling) and request to be addressed as “Reverend Doctor [MY NAME]” on occasions which necessitate formality. It would make it easier for everyone, I think. After all, when one works in a church, including an Episcopalian one, (what, you thought I was Catholic? Just because I constantly talk about the Pope?) one unavoidably will interact with people of less progressive societal views. It’s the nature of our broad-church tradition, of course, and there’s nothing wrong with disagreeing with people, (yes, even on basis of identity- I frequently disagree with people on the basis of their identity as heretics, blasphemers, and heterosexuals after all) but a flock, even if only small parts of it, disturbed by their shepherd is something to be avoided, and any way I could perhaps ease the minds of more conservative members of a congregation I would have would be, in my opinion, prudent to pursue. If that includes acquiring a respectable, conventional, and most importantly accurate honorific, then so much the better. Because, you see, I could simply take the easy path, and become the Reverend Father [MY NAME]. It would certainly help with the issue of congregational confusion! But that would not be accurate. Nor would I feel like myself. And if you put on a cassock and you do not feel like yourself, then something must be fixed.

of course, one final point. Please allow me to be clear that I mean no personal offense to any individual who uses any honorific which I have mocked or demeaned over the course of this… I think it’s an essay by now. If the usage of that title makes you happy and complete, then well done you. I hold no ill will towards any person who uses any of them for any reason, I am simply expressing my own displeasure at the current state of available options. Keep doing whatever you’re doing if it works for you, it is not my place to judge.

that has however never stopped me from doing it anyway.

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let it be known!

I am hereby laying claim to the Prince-Electorate of Trier, as it has lain empty for, uh, two hundred years by now. If anyone wishes to challenge my claim, I’ll accept offers for one week, before I go to elect the next Holy Roman Emperor, as is my right. I think the Archbishopric of Cologne is still around, maybe I’ll go work on picking a candidate with that guy. Hmmm…. The Minister-President of Saxony is probably the best successor to the Electorate of Saxony… who else do I need to get in touch with….

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what if

What if instead of Rocket Man by Elton John it was Raclette Man by Elton John and instead of singing about loneliness and isolation and being emotionally distant from your family and such he was singing about cheese

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CONCLAVE TODAYYY! !

TODAY IS THE CONCLAVE! LET’S GET CHRIST A NEW VICAR!

(Disclaimer: I do not recognize the spiritual or temporal authority of the Bishop of Rome)

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NOOOOOOOOOOO

THOMAS CRANMER FORGOT TO PUT A RITE OF EXORCISM IN THE BOOK OF COMMON PRAYER

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET RID OF ALL OF THESE DEMONS IF A WAY TO DO SO ISN’T INCLUDED IN MY HANDY MANUAL OF EVERY PRAYER YOU EVER NEED TO KNOW ABOUT, THE AUTHORIZED STANDARD BOOK OF COMMON PRAYER (1979 EDITION)?

I can hardly say grace before dinner without pulling out my authorized Standard Book of Common Prayer (1979 Edition) and I’m supposed to CAST OUT THESE DEMONS WITHOUT IT‽‽‽

smh I’m converting to Roman Catholicism, at least they know how to deal with all of these demons

Btw I’d like to shout out these demons for being so patient. They waited calmly as I flipped through all 1001 pages of my BCP, and are proceeding to wait calmly as I post on Tumblr about these woes.

and yes, I know what you’ll say. “But Pages Frontispiece, why haven’t you called your local representative of your Diocese to do the exorcism for you? Sounds like you’re having an awful lot of trouble with those demons there” The answer, of course, is obvious. If they used a prayer that wasn’t in the Authorized Standard Book of Common Prayer (1979 Edition) then it wouldn’t be worth anything, because the Sainted Thomas Cranmer clearly decided not to put it in for a reason. To quote Mussolini, “Everything in the Authorized Standard Book of Common Prayer (1979 Edition), nothing outside the Authorized Standard Book of Common Prayer (1979 Edition), nothing against the Authorized Standard Book of Common Prayer (1979 Edition).”

Mussolini was, of course, a devoted Episcopalian. Many praised him as revolutionary for subscribing to a book that would not be written for 57 years. Of course, that’s just another example of how cool and progressive we Episcopalians are.

Anyway, one of the demons is tapping her watch, and it seems like it’s about time for the soul devouring.

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Conclave tommorow!!

I’m so excited and also rather worried. Come on, Tagle, you can do it!

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a little bit of poetry I wrote

All I do, I do to your glory

For you alone have permitted me to do so

I observe your highest of sacraments, and I weep

For naught is more beautiful than grace

I weep, for you alone comprehend me

Neither one nor the other, and yet desirous of form

Though form is not one of your gifts to me

Yet still I rejoice, for I have been gifted far more.

Your servants, they stray from your path

But then, the path is long and looping

It winds much as I have wound through myself

And the strays, they shall have chances aplenty

To be set again in your eternal way

I am not set; alas, I still follow

What else may I do? Nothing.

For only you have embraced me wholly.

I have often begged unto you, I admit

For definition, for mutual orbit, for peace

Yet you hath ordained it not to be so

I wish only to accept the proper state of things

Though I wish I had been created different;

I have not, and that I acknowledge

Still, gratitude is required; After all, I am. 

Hah! Ironic, at times, it seems, deeply.

That those who claim to hear your voice

Those who claim to represent me; fools, one and all

That they rage against what I wish I had received 

For it would certainly be easier, in a matter of speaking

To experience that penultimate of thy gifts for my own.

No matter. I shall be content to observe

To observe and to yearn

As I have for so long

For it is not my desires which determine rightness

They are yours, and you have ordained I observe.

Nothing more. 

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there’s something that makes me really quite sad

You see, I am a deeply religious person. My faith is the core of my identity, and without it, I would not be nearly the same person I am today, assuming that I was still alive at all. I love God, I love God’s Church, I’ve memorized the Apostolic and Nicene Creeds, (Yes, I know, not the Athenasian one, how shameful of me) and a perhaps unusual percentage of people I know are employees of one religious organization or another. I am also, as it happens, very queer. I’ve got approximately as many flags as a vessel utilized by the U.S. Navy, pronouns, a deep fear of being myself around close family members, the whole shebang. Those two aspects of myself are rather intertwined. Being an Episcopalian, that’s easier for me than a lot of people, but it isn’t an exaggeration to say that I would probably still believe I was a man if I hadn’t read the Bible. For years, the only place I could live as myself was my church, judged by God alone- and God tends to be gentle in God’s judgements. The first person I came out to was my priest, you see. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Oh, they’re going to talk about how sad it is that the church at large doesn’t accept their kind how tragic how misguided they are” yeah no. Those types are heretics and they will be purged just as soon as I can get the Tenth Crusade launched, but they aren’t the topic today.

Like most queer people, a great deal of my friends are queer. And that’s great! All wonderful people, I love them to death. But, as it happens, many of them have been burned by organized religion, as our type tend to be so unfortunately frequently. (Now, I would joke that this of course makes them ripe for conversion to the true Anglican faith, but you can’t really make those jokes around people who haven’t already taken that step. It’s insensitive, you see.) And those traumas often cause a great antipathy to Christianity, and that’s what causes me this anguish. I gush about my love of the liturgy of the Easter Vigil and the beauty of the Eucharist and they shrink away, quieting like flowers in a cold snap. And I know they mean nothing by it, I’m sure they hardly notice themselves, but at times they’ll drop a remark denigrating the Church, my Church, (in the sense that all Christians are participants in the Universal (not Roman!) Catholic Church) or the practices of religion itself, and it hurts me. It’s as if a pin is plunged into my heart, just a prick of pain but pain nonetheless. I can, of course, take criticism of my religion. We have stood strong for two thousand years and will stand as long as God wills it against every sort of ridicule and critique. But it’s just that it hurts so much more when it’s people close to you saying it.

outside of my various religious organizations, I have precisely one friend who can relate to that dual identity, of a religious person and a queer person, but the funny thing is that he isn’t actually Christian, but then the other Abrahamic faiths are close enough. I consider him one of my closest friends because of that. It’s rare to have someone you can relate to on so many levels, especially when you feel so isolated from other people in those spheres sometimes. You know who you are, you’re excellent.

anyway. I just wish that I could share that aspect of myself with more of my friends. I’m sure that they’ll heal their wounds with time, and grow less hostile to the faith. Perhaps if they’re lucky, they’ll fall into the Religious Trauma-Episcopalian Pipeline! But they haven’t done that yet, and so I can only wait, wait and hide my heart. Ironic.

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there’s a joke of mine I like to tell

it goes something like this

There are three types of Episcopalians: People who were born Episcopalian, converts from Methodism, and people with religious trauma.

I invite my Episcopalian or Episcopal-adjacent fans to wrack their brains and see if you can think of a single Episcopalian who doesn’t fit in one of the three. Odds are, you can’t. However, some of you might have figured out that there is, in fact, a secret fourth type of Episcopalian!

That’s right, after long hours of research, I have discovered the final Episcopalian archetype. There’s a unique phenomenon which seems to occur when a Roman Catholic and a Protestant get married. The Catholic would never demean themselves by going to a Protestant church, with their despicable habits like Memorialism and lack of liturgy, but a Protestant would never attend a Catholic Mass, where they undergo strange, Romish rituals like conceiving the Font and they take the Eucharist on their tongue, because ???. As a result, the wedded pair compromise and both convert to being Episcopalians. Now, a good portion of Catholics already come with religious trauma, as do a good number of the more tasteless low-church denominations, which would slot them into the third category, but not all of them do. However, this occurrence is frequent enough (I’ve seen it four or five times) that I think it deserves its own Episcopalian origin category! Hurrah for science and progress!

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hi

Howdy

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howdy

I’d just like to say that my absence has been due to premature mourning over Pope Francis. Anyway, time to go back to my timely mourning over Pope Francis.

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the year is 1968

The President is waving to a cheery crowd from his motorcade.

suddenly, I break free from the crowd, and start sprinting towards the President as fast as I can

“Hey! HEY!” I shout, frantically

as I approach, I am shot by six different secret service agents, and collapse, slumped over the car door. I weakly manage to stutter out

“LBJ…”

The Secret Service agents try to remove me, but President Lyndon Blaines Johnson waves them off, and cradles my dying body in his arms, like in the Pieta.

“What is it, son?” He asks, his voice full of tenderness and care, gently smiling at me. He slaps aside a secret service agent who tries to drag him away for his own safety, and they back off.

I look up at him, and gasp out “how many kids…”

LBJ drops me in disgust and turns around. He already knows how I’m going to finish. With a gesture of his hand, he orders the car to start up again.

but i wasn’t finished.

with my last, dying breath, I utter “…did you send to preschool today” and expire.

Lyndon B. Johnson never heard me. He would then proceed to not run in the next presidential election, and fall into a pit of deep self-loathing.

if only I had spoken more quickly….

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“Science, when it is real cognition, is never in contrast with the truth of the Christian faith. Indeed, as is well known to those who study the history of science, it must be recognized on the one hand that the Roman Pontiffs and the Catholic Church have always fostered the research of the learned in the experimental field as well, and on the other hand that such research has opened up the way to the defense of the deposit of supernatural truths entrusted to the Church. We promise again that it is our strongly-held intention, that the 'Pontifical Academicians', through their work and our Institution, work ever more and ever more effectively for the progress of the sciences. Of them we do not ask anything else, since this praiseworthy intent and this noble work in the service of the truth is what we expect of them.”

-Pope Pius XI

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the eternal dilemma

Do you purchase an antique $700 map of China in 1928, or do you not do that? It’s a very pretty map, but then again, $700 is a very pretty amount of money.