#my ramblings are always random excuse my adhd brain

[biscuitboba]

Random ramble but i will always think about zoro appreciating another person cuz they helped out his captain... he didn't have to do that (but he wanted to..) and i just think i'm fine and most definitely not insane about it.

Like luffy literally died? (But he was saved by gear 5 awakening) and the fact that zoro heard about minor details such as 'someone helped luffy during the fight with kaido'?? He probably knew about luffy's temporary death too, and because of that, i think somewhere deep inside him, what went unsaid was "Thank you for being there for my captain, (helping him) when i was absent"

He loves his captain so muchh okayy??

(Also, someone needs to make a fic about zoro finding out about luffy's death pre gear five awakening, and then zoro being just a tiny bit more protective (than before) towards his captain. Like yes he is already protective, but let's make him even more-)

Not to get sidetracked but uhh, thinking about frobin too...

Something about zoro, robin, and their priority (=it's about their favorite/special person!)

Zoro appreciating someone for helping luffy and robin appreciating someone for helping herself, and then asking them to help out franky.

Dunno how to explain it but when it comes to the dynamics of zolu and frobin, zoro and robin have some pretty noticeable similarities?? and of course luffy and franky... zoro and robin with their level headed, calm, and stoic demeanor?? And then luffy and franky both fall into the 'spontaneous ball of energy' category. They also both like cool things, and cry easily (especially compared to zoro and robin who rarely cry)

Maybe i'll talk more (emphasizing on maybe cuz im so forgetful at times) about their similarities another time, but for now, im like normal about these two ships really

[plumroseiswriting]

SOME LORE FOR THE BOYS AND THEIR ADHD This will have a lot of text I'm sorry

All the boys in my AU have adhd, Donnie is the only one Splinter knows for sure is autistic as well but tbh Leo and Raph probably are too. Their adhd also affects them all very differently.

Mikey is very classic adhd where his brain just never stops and he tends to ramble. He SEEMS very random but he’s had a full conversation in his head that ties whatever was being talked about to the off topic subject he’s currently ranting about. He’s got very little volume control and is easily distracted. Unlike most Mikey’s though, it’s not an excuse used for why he’s “dumb” Mikey is very smart! Just not in the same ways as the others. He has more common sense than Donnie, better at planning than Raph, and more self confidence than Leo. His main issues are linked to his mind just never shutting up and acting before he's fully thought the action through which makes him erratic and impulsive. He has a terrible memory, much MUCH worse than any of the others. He rarely knows what's going on around him simply due to his mind wiping itself every few minutes(this gets better the more he actually HAS to be aware of his surroundings) This leads to a lot of babying from the others that he genuinely hates. He also has a lot of sensory issues such as his inability to handle being barefoot and extreme claustrophobia when wearing tight clothes.

Raph’s adhd causes rejection sensitivity dysphoria to the point even minor comments or completely innocuous conversations register as hate filled and angry and he just about always assumes he's in trouble even when no one has indicated he is at all. Which then leads to him getting in trouble because he starts fights. He’s almost constantly in emotional overload because of this and is the number 1 reason he developed anger issues in the first place. Unlike Mikey who’s brain never shuts up, Raph has a very hard time thinking and is a slow processor. He's the only one with dyslexia which has left him almost unable to read (Mikey and now April i suppose are the only ones that know this) which only fuels his self hating tendencies and stress spirals. It has manifested into a deep depression and passive suicidal thoughts that have only gotten worse with time that is unintentionally exacerbated by Splinter. He has a very addictive personality due to a desperation for dopamine which has caused a lot of self loathing. The combination of anger issues, depression, rsd, probable autism, and just general trauma he eventually develops a personality disorder.

Leo’s adhd manifests mostly in an extreme anxiety disorder and insomnia/delayed sleep phase disorder. Just like most Leo’s he's a people pleaser because he desperately doesn’t want to be viewed as a nuisance or incapable. He’s also not very good at speaking clearly, words and meanings get scrambled in his head which is why Raph often feels blamed for things that go wrong even when that isn't what Leo is trying to tell him. He has an uncanny ability to unintentionally put blame on others because he just NEEDS to be the one everyone likes and trusts(which means Raphs distrust of him hurts a lot more than the others are aware of) Due to this need to be needed he's had far too much responsibility put on him by his family and himself. This of course only makes his anxiety worse. He has the same mile a second brain Mikey does but he's not impulsive because again, anxiety. He tries to be doing 3-4 things at once just to get his head to stop running away with him and meditation is mostly just him ruminating until he either feels better or about 50x worse. He zones out the most out of them all and has longer hyper fixations than either Mikey or Raph some lasting several years.

Donnie's main issues with adhd are the inability to follow routine combined with his innate need for it. The cognitive immobility that won't let him do things he wants leaving him in a "stuck" state of just sitting and staring or internally yelling at himself for an hour until he manages to force himself up to work. It makes him feel incredibly lazy even though he is almost constantly working or doing something. The only truly "good" thing the adhd gives him is a wealth of creativity beyond any of the others and he focuses all of it on making his toys(special interest) He has rsd as well but it isn't as bad as Raph's(because he almost never actually gets in trouble) but his self worth got placed in his ability to create due to the positive reinforcement from the others. He has anger issues like Raph as well, but they're far more passive and he is more emotionally intelligent so he can redirect when he's actually mad vs another emotion filtering itself through anger. His sleeping issues are slightly self induced but also his ADHD and inability to move from his current task regardless of what it is. His sensory issues are actually less than Mikey's

[skarsgardstars]

bill x adhd!reader headcanons !

( before anyone gets upset a) i have adhd and b) this is my account i can write what i want <3 )

alright so i feel like bill is a very organized and put together person, he hates mess and clutter. so at the beginning of the relationship, maybe when u first move in together, he gets really irritated by the constant mess. the constant clutter of your things all around the house

and of course ur not doing it on purpose. u either forget you put something down there bc you got distracted or just bc u have to be able to SEE IT in order to know you have it. ( object permanence problems )

anyways bill wants to bring it up to you, bc he’s an adult, and doesn’t want it to become a problem or fight. so one day he sits you down and tells you it really upsets him when you leave things around the house.

instantly you realize the situation, feeling almost a bit shy and embarrassed. once he finishes his confession you grab his hands and run your fingers over his knuckles. “i have adhd, and i know that’s no excuse for the mess and clutter but sometimes i genuinely forget to pick up after myself or get distracted. i will happily do it just remind me! sometimes it’s hard for my brain.”

bill is a little surprised by your confession but in his mind so many things click. the constant moving, the fidgeting, the fast talking, jumping from subject to subject etc etc

anyways of course bill is accepting and understanding of you, he loves you.

so when he starts to find your shoes at the front entrances or forgotten dishes, he just gives a gentle reminder to you. which works out perfectly, bc you instantly resolve it, you just simply forgot about it.

bill also begins to notice more things about you, keeping note to help make things more accommodating for you

no fruit or any food in drawers, you tend to forget about them and they go to waste

when you have any appointments coming up, he’ll get colorful sticky notes and pin them on the fridge so you don’t forget

bill let’s you talk about your hyper fixation for hours too, which brings you an unknown amount of joy

you just sit there and ramble and ramble, a smile covering your lips, hands gesturing wildly as you bounce in your seat in excitement.

and sometimes you apologize for talking too much but bill always waves you off, telling you he could never get tired of your voice

bill also doesn’t mind when you interrupt him, he knows sometimes you’ll forget what you were gonna say if you don’t get it out quick enough.

he also doesn’t get annoyed when you forget what you were talking about, just simply reminding you of the conversation

bill never mocks or makes fun of you for stumbling or stuttering over ur words, ur brain moves so fast sometimes it’s hard for you to get the words out properly

bill also notices ur sensitivity to sounds when you get overstimulated. he begins to notice the telltale sounds of you becoming overwhelmed

often times you get snappy and aggressive. you begin to bite and pick at your nails. you bounce your leg. tug at your ears. so when he begins to notice, he doesn’t care where you’re at, he’ll take you outside to get some air or take you home if it’s gotten too bad

and he never touches you in these moments unless you initiate it. learning previously from talking with you about how to help you in these moments, physical touch can be a trigger when you’re overstimulated.

bill makes note of when you get under stimulated. he’ll offer things for you to do, asking for your help with something, suggesting you cook or bake. turns on music for both of you to dance to, drives around with you etc etc

bill gets you fidget toys bc he really hates the way you pick at ur fingers and cuticles till they bleed.

he often lays your meds ( if you take any ) and water out on the counter for you in the morning. sometimes you’ll be in such a rush you’ll forget.

he notices how much trouble you have with sleeping too. he’ll do whatever he can, makes you tea, pets your hair, back scratches, a warm bath. even if bill is exhausted, or woken up by you in the middle of the night bc u can’t sleep he never gets irritated bc he knows how frustrating it is, to just not be able to sleep no matter how hard you try

sometimes when you’re laying in bed and you can’t sleep bc your mind is going too fast, bill will ask you to explain what’s happening in ur brain. and you’ll go on and on about the random thoughts you have, eventually relaxing after, or falling asleep during. ur brain calming down temporarily.

bill is one patient man and you couldn’t be more grateful bc let’s be honest the mood swings you get when having adhd, r terrible.

bill and you came up with code words. “peaches” for i want to be held and loved on, and “chocolate syrup” for i want to be left alone please. you don’t even have to speak them, you often shoot bill a text and he understands.

bill also adores ur often hypersensitivity, you’re very empathetic and emotional. but he thinks it’s sweet how deeply you feel. even if it is u crying for the 10000 time over the lion king

you couldn’t be more thankful for him, u don’t think anyone has been so accommodating and understanding in a relationship. ur relationship with bill is built off nothing but love, compassion and trust.

[kat-got-lost]

HERES ANOTHER SELF PROJECTION BLURB, DREAM TEAM WITH A S/O WHO HAS TROUBLE THINKING BEFORE THEY SPEAK SOMETIMES

can be interpreted as poly but there's no big blurb abt all of them together like there normally is, just separate little scenarios/blurbs for each of them :]

warnings: couple nsfw jokes but for the most part it's all sfw

dream team with a partner who has trouble filtering what they say. whether it being because of ADHD or they're just hyper and have trouble fully thinking abt words before they come out of their mouth you can decided. admittedly it's not always the best thing since sometimes the stuff that comes out can come off as rude or mean, but the boys know you don't always mean the stuff you say and it just happens. (doesn't mean you don't apologize and reassure them though, because remember everyone, things like troubles thinking before you speak or anything like that can be an explanation but never an excuse, if you've accidentally hurt someone's feelings apologize and talk it out :)

dream is very understanding, and if you dont like him teasing you about it he won't and will instead smile whenever something slips past your filter and give you a little kiss. if however you are okay with him doing a little bit of teasing ooh boy are you in for a ride. he likes to do things to fluster you to see what you'll do. his personal favorite thing to do is to sneak up behind you while you're doing something, grab your waist and whisper into you're ear. it's never really anything explicit, normally just a "hi sweetheart" or a "my hoodie looks really good on you" he then turns you around and grabs your chin to make you look up at him. he kind of just looks you up and down while smirking and goes "whatcha thinking about baby?" to which you reply with "HAHA NOTHING YOURE JUST REALLY FUCKING HOT 😀" your eyes go wide realizing what you just said and dream is folded over wheezing. you start rambling about how "PFFT- WAIT NO I DIDNT MEAN- WELL YES I DID BUT WAIT,,you know what let me just shut my mouth." after dreams finished deflating he hugs you and presses a couple chaste kisses on your face cooing about how adorable you are.

sapnap is relatively chill about it. doesn't tease you much but also can't help it sometimes. again very cautious about your boundaries and makes sure you know to tell him if he ever takes it too far. although he teases you, the second someone who isn't him teases you? ooh boy he's on their ass. when he does tease you he does it somewhat similarly to the way dream does, in the way where he tries to fluster you to see what happens. he'll probably flop on your lap, get all close to your ear and go "hey sugar, you're looking very pretty :]" but he'll purposely put on a like,,thicker southern accent because he knows it kind of makes your brain malfunction. you laugh at him and go "you sound like a middle-aged cowboy. hot middle-aged cowboy." before immediately hiding your face in your hands on embarrassment taking in what you just said while sap just dies of laughter. there was probably a time where you and him were like rearranging his streaming room and you got bored and went "hhdggh this is taking too long to rearrange, why don't you rearrange my guts instead 🙄" before going "oh- wAIT NO I DIDNT MEAN-"

George is very sweet about it. actually doesn't tease you at all, sometimes he does but it's very rare. he's more likely to laugh about it with you or say something equally as odd to make you laugh even harder. likes to let you have appearances on his streams because you're very funny. definitely defends you if someone in chat is saying your "attempt" at being "random" isn't funny. on the rare occasion that George does tease you it's more of his reaction mixed with pops into his head at the moment. one time you guys were shopping and passed by the art isle and you went "hmm, I wonder what these crayons taste like microwaved,," George burst out laughing and immediately went "PAHAH WHAT?? ehehe 'ah yes, look at these crayons, I will now proceed to imagine how it tastes after being microwaved." you probably jokingly glare at him before laughing yourself. "you're so silly :)" george then presses a kiss to your forehead and you guys continue on shopping.

a/n: I fixed it :DD anyway this has been sitting in my drafts for like months so :]]

[aethersea]

you know what, I never do these things, but actually I’ve decided I would like to get to know people better! I would like to partake of the mortifying ordeal! I would like to talk about myself for a bit!

ok for the next...let’s say five days I will answer any of these things that people tag me in, or any random personal questions you plop in my ask box. I don’t have an ask meme on hand but just....pick one you’ve seen recently, or make up questions of your own, and I’ll answer. (the answer might be ‘nope that’s private’ but I will answer.) (@ the anon who asked for book recs - I see you, I’ve been thinking of books all day, I’m going to give you SUCH a long answer, I hope you don’t regret your choices bc it WILL be full of gushing)

alright, let’s go!

🌻 Tag 9 people you want to get to know better

Tagged by @booksandchainmail​

Last Song: I’m currently listening to “Falcon in the Dive” from the Scarlet Pimpernel musical on loop. I watched one or two Scarlet Pimpernel movies when I was just barely too young to fully get what was going on, and the story’s held an odd but deep-seated place in my heart ever since. A few years ago I found out there’s a musical and most of the songs are pretty stellar (go listen to “Madame Guillotine” if you like big ensemble broadway numbers, it’s a banger, the bit where he cries out for God has been running through my mind on and off for a few days now haha not like that’s topical or anything), so every once in a while I spend a few days listening to them a lot.

Sometime last year I read the actual book, and got super into the whole concept of the Scarlet Pimpernel for a while. I plotted out Pimpernel aus for several fandoms, I read the entire wikipedia article, and I went looking for bootlegs of the musical. I didn’t find one, but I did find a full radioplay-style recording of the script, complete with full musical numbers, and listened to it like a podcast.

Reader, I was so disappointed. The play adds some scenes, bc a lot of the dramatic tension of the novel comes from internal conflict and that doesn’t stage super well, and the very first scene of this play – a play written in the NINETIES – features our dashing hero rescuing some aristocrats from a French prison, and then saying to the person in the next cell, who begs for rescue but is not an aristocrat, “We have enough of your kind in England.”

Enough! of your KIND! What in the merry frickety HECK my dudes!! The book has some rather unfortunate™ takes but it is from 1905, it’s regrettable but sadly to be expected. This play is from 1997. It has NO excuse. This scene wasn’t even in the book! What! the heck!

I was so disheartened that I lost my excitement for the play, and a couple songs later I stopped listening. It occurred to me just a few days ago that you could actually stage that ironically, with the person in the cell giving the audience a “can you believe this” look, and then the rest of the play could feature assorted non-aristocratic ensemble members constantly looking at the audience like they’re on The Office. And hey, maybe that’s what they did, or something similar – maybe that was never meant to be taken as a cleanly heroic stance, and the play deals with it in a complex way. It’s possible. I wouldn’t know. Kinda doubt it though, based on song lyrics.

Favorite Color: red, probably

Last Movie: I watched that new lesbian christmas movie with my family for christmas, the one with kirsten stewart and the guy from schitt’s creek. it’s very sweet and good and kinda sad, and I really enjoyed it. it also incidentally has the best gay best friend trope in probably anything ever, bc it’s not a trope (I didn’t realize until several hours after watching that it technically fits), it’s just a guy who is the protagonist’s best friend, and they’re just all gay, and then when he Gives Relationship Advice as a gay best friend always does, it’s advice about how to deal with your partner’s hangups around coming out.

actually every part of the gay best friend trope becomes better when they’re just best friends who are both gay. the big dramatic gestures (in this case, driving some ungodly distance in the snow on no notice) go from “haha how kooky” to “queer man will do anything he needs to to rescue his queer friend from an isolating & potentially triggering situation”. the relationship advice isn’t “honey you deserve some self-respect, treat yourself”, it’s a deeply sincere reminder of the vulnerability that is shared across almost everyone’s queer experience, and look I could ramble about this for a long time before reaching a coherent point but I’m INTO IT, okay? I’m into it.

Last Show: you want me to remember what show I last finished???? impossible, cannot be done, it was a long time ago and the adhd has eaten everything that happened before last week. here, instead I’ll tell you about another movie I watched, late at night with my mom in cozy companionship just a couple days ago. it’s called Quigley Down Under and it’s about a cowboy who goes to Australia and kills a bunch of racists, 10/10 would watch again. it’s from 1990 but it feels much older, with the music choices and the cinematography of a 70s Western. the cowboy is great, honorable and fearless and kind, but the breakaway star of this movie for me is the woman who attaches herself to his side and refuses to leave. her name is Cora, and she’s crazy, in the sense that she’s not altogether tethered to reality, but this never for a second diminishes her agency. she’s fierce and clever and compassionate, and she basically never does anything she doesn’t want to in the whole movie. her arc is about overcoming trauma by taking charge of her own fear and facing it head-on, she is never belittled or dismissed by the narrative or the protagonist, and look she’s just so cool. I love her. she’s so vibrantly alive. her story could probably have been handled with a bit more nuance, but honestly for the 90s it’s pretty great. I’m no expert, but I found nothing objectionable in it, just a bit of heavy-handedness.

anyway the theme of the movie is that racism is evil and racists deserve to be shot, and this too could have been handled better (not a single aboriginal character speaks a single line of english in this movie), but it follows through on that message in every way, while still being a fun kinda campy cowboy movie. overall a very good time.

Currently Watching: started showing my sister Hilda the other day, and she’s liking it! I love that show, it’s so incredibly cute. can’t wait to see season 2

Currently Reading: lmao I wish. lately the brain has firmly rejected all attempts to read anything of any length. currently pending, bc I was halfway through them when my brain stalled out, are tano’s fic What Does Kill You Can Make You Stronger, Too, a Toby Daye book - I think it was The Brightest Fell, I got like half a chapter in and haven’t picked it up in over a month, the Locked Tomb series, and probably a few other things too. ooh! also a book called Making Sex by thomas laqueur, which is my fancy academic reading that I’ve been doing in short bursts for the past year or two when I feel fancy and academic. it’s about the development of the concept of biological sex and of gender in Western society, and it’s fascinating. has among other things introduced me to the idea that until quite recently, fathers were a matter of faith. the mother? yeah, you can watch the baby pop out, we all know who the mother is. but the father? how can you know? how can you really know? we have paternity tests these days, but for all of human history up until now, we've just had to take fatherhood on faith. (not to mention we didn’t even know what fathers were contributing to the production of a fetus. clearly it was something, since you can’t get pregnant without a penis getting involved, but we have literally not known what until the past few decades. and that is wild. it has colored ALL of human history, all of our conceptions of society and family and kinship and gender, all of it, and it hadn’t even occurred to me until it was spelled out for me in this book, and it’s just......wow.

Salty, sweet or savory: for christmas my sister and I made seven different types of cookie, most of them involving chocolate somehow.

Craving: no bc I ate so many cookies. unless sleep counts. or maybe pringles, it’s been many moons since last I had a potato chip and I miss them.

Coffee or Tea: no thank you

Tagging: @coloursisee, @krchy-tuna, @sam-j-squirrel, @xzienne, @mirandatam, @viciousmaukeries, @sepulchritude, @elidyce, and @navigatorsnorth bc it’s been a while since we’ve talked, and I’m super hyped that you’re married now. v happy for you!

[brokenfoetus]

...Real Talk for a Moment....

This is gonna be a long rant post, so by all means... quickly scroll past. Parts may even be a tad emo feels for some folks for one reason or another... There’s no shame in skipping for reals.  A lot of days I can’t bother to read anything too in depth... anyway... HERE goes.... While I absolutely love art, and performance, and surreal awkward characterization of myself I call “THE END”. I also value truth, and being understood. My blog here started more as a journal for me to vent, and place to post music and art for me to look at in order to try and just relax during a very difficult point in my life. Every now and then I like to stop and ground myself and post in a sense about the actual me.  There’s frankly not anything magical here, everyone has a story and their experiences and struggles we all do no matter who you are. I suppose like I said, I just like to be understood where I am coming from typically can only be slightly grasped like anyone.  Even if you agree with views and relate to feelings, things become clearer with details.... hence my rants. I get it out of my system and state my perspectives all at once and anyone who happens to be curious gets to read it. Maybe gets to relate and frankly that tends to help us sometimes. It helps people realize they’re not alone in their situations.  Anyway.... I was born a tiny premature gremlin on the east coast of the U.S. I was raised a devout Catholic boy. At age 11 I was diagnosed with the chronic illness Diabetes. when the symptoms started my mother called doctors concerned. We had to wait a full month for my appointment.  It was rough. Some people don’t know of the disease, but most people generally are aware. It typically doesn’t seem all too dramatic to most since people think of it as old grandma and grandpa taking their pills and measuring their food. When you’re talking juvenile onset diabetes it’s different... severity can vary. but, I caught some sort of virus, with flu like symptoms... I was very very sick for a week or two.  Once it passed, I was okay but slowly started feeling gross in other ways.  By the time we got to see Doctors it was too late, and the damage done to my pancreas made it so it created pretty much no insulin. The only theory Doctors had at the time was the virus freaked out my auto-immune system so it made my body attack itself.  It seemed that my white blood cells had attacked my pancreas. I was 11, so... I didn’t know what diabetes was. I asked my doctor if there was a cure, and he explained that there was no cure. My little boy brain after feeling so awful for a month and a half assumed I was going to die. I burst into tears as I was very very afraid. My Doctor quickly explained I wasn’t going to die like I had assumed and that it can be treated. It doesn’t seem so scary most the time when you realize it can be treated. The thing is the hormone insulin can be quite dangerous, as low blood sugars are actually very much more dangerous than high blood sugars. Insulin allows glucose in the blood to travel into cells to basically use as fuel. without it sugar levels rise in the blood stream, and the body starts rapidly breaking down fat cells to use as fuel. Now, that happens normal some anyway usually after eating. Just not rapidly.... when it does, the fuel it breaks down creates ketones which can make the blood toxic... by making it acidic.... Like I don’t really think... there’s any way I can describe what high blood sugar feels like... or what it feels like when your blood starts to become acidic.... I can’t... but... minor low blood sugar attacks can happen to anyone just by skipping lunch or forgetting to eat... and those suck... bad ones... well... they feel like you’re dying. Not to be melodramatic about it all... but that’s all I can say to explain it... it just feels like you’re dying.  Probably because you sort of are..... The brain runs on glucose so when the levels get too low... your brain panics and tries to save itself and alert you. It’s not fun. It’s been many years since I had anything dangerous or serious in terms of low blood sugars but, a couple times in my life when I wasn’t doing very well emotionally and mentally I wasn’t paying attention or being careful with my insulin dosages and how much I was eating. I’ve had 3 grand mal seizures in my life when I was younger.... it’s hard to explain the experience... in mine... I don’t know.... It was like not existing at all, there was nothing. I woke to pain, I couldn’t see or hear it just hurt. Everything hurt head to toe. Then I could hear myself saying it hurt, then I could hear the people around me, and then I could see the people around me.  Then I knew what had happened.  I felt a bit guilty for scaring my loved ones so much.  That honestly made me more upset than the pain. The reason I spell all this out... is my life has mostly been surrounded by fear. I’ve been aware of my mortality and trying to avoid dying on a daily basis since I was a very young boy. The strange thing I suppose.... is after a while... you just get sick of being afraid.... you kind of stop being scared and just get angry... I was a shy timid nervous little dude.... I’ve had long long times where... I’ve felt worthless, I’ve hated myself, felt I didn’t deserve happiness, or love. I’ve let people use me, without standing up for myself. I’ve let people be toxic and cruel, while excusing their behavior. While at the same time condemning myself for any tiny mistake I may have made in any way. I’ve made myself a martyr in personal relationships, sacrificing myself and my feelings. I’ve frankly... done a whole bunch of fucked up things turned inward. The nice thing I suppose, is I don’t do that anymore.... I still make mistakes, and I like to take responsibility for them and make amends or fix them. You can get used to some really fucked up things. Especially when struggling with self worth. I used to think I was useless and undeserving. Today... I’m well aware I’m a PRETTEH PRETTEH GOFF BOI.... I have long time close friends who love me just as much as I do them. I have a wonderful beautiful lovely lady who has my heart and soul whom I want to spend every moment I possibly can with until my bones are dust.  Who helped me a great deal over the past couple years or so.  Helped me with myself and helped me believe in myself again. Just by being my friend and supporting me while I continue to be the eccentric artist asshole I am. and I have Scrambles... THE MOST CUTEST BLACK KITTEH KAT EVAR. I feel rather lucky to have all I do. I appreciate what I have very very much. I’ve been dealing with Diabetes since I was 11... and had been dealing with Severe Major Depression symptoms since my early 20s. over the past five years I finally started getting help, Turns out I don’t just have diabetes.... I have adhd and some kind of sleep disorder. we’ve been calling it narcolepsy but it’s hard to say exactly, it could be hypersomnia which is a super fancy way of saying I’m fucking always exhausted 24/7 which is pretty accurate.  That is usually caused by narcolepsy or something else but... who knows... still trying to figure that part out. I have discovered though that, being fucking exhausted non stop for 20 years will make you very depressed.  Sometimes depression makes you tired, and sometimes being tired makes you depressed. When I was a young lad, I gave myself one single life goal.... That was to finish an electro industrial album and play some live shows. I dunno, to some that might not be a big deal.... I never said it had to be “good” after all. But, when I was at a low point dealing with my stuffs, trying to take care of myself... I honestly spent most my days sleeping. I was awake maybe 4 hours a day.  Things felt very hopeless, that learned hopelessness made me believe things were pretty much pointless.  I would shrug... and talk to my psychiatrist about my suffering in a manner that people talk about the weather.  I didn’t even care anymore it was happening.  It was “oh well... is what it is.” Until I got angry, it was a good thing I was so frustrated.... because it meant I finally gave a shit again. I wanted to get better and I wanted it to hurry the fuck up. Anyway... I’m just rambling and ranting because I was thinking back a lot after doing a sleep study... probably the first in a series of them. I don’t have apnea so I mean... that’s good. I also got to see what some of my brainwaves look like... I also apparently wake up after dreaming some a lot... I also apparently yelled in the middle of the night hahaha. So back to the whole life goal thing.....my long time friend, who introduced me to shitloads of music and bands and has always been close through good and bad times.  Was saying how he knew it was something I’ve always wanted to do, so he wants to help me.  He’s starting to help me plan the performance and then later will help me setup my shows and come with me to what will be really awkward and silly first couple gigs I play.  An open mic night will be particularly hilarious to me, since instead of hearing shitty rock song covers, it will be an insane goth punk dude screaming distorted vocals to weird electro noises haha.  It’s taken a long time to get shit finally going... but... it’s getting there... it’s still going to take a lot more work... on both me and the music.  I have countless things I have to do, but I’m just happy I finally got angry enough to scream fuck it... and go for it... I love a lot of various kinds of work. I don’t really fit there very well though.  Now that the sleep disorder stuff has become worse over time... it’s not really possible anyway.  That’s okay though, since now I’m just doing what I’m actually good at.  Eccentric artist asshole has always been my key features.  xD So, here’s some photos of me before and during my sleep lab and random enjoyable crap I suppose... and my general mood.  It’s been a while....                                                  -The End-

[autisticpeterparkerheadcanons]

They say if you can’t find content for something, then make it yourself, so here’s autistic!Peter Parker headcanons that literally no one asked for. I’ve seen some, but they all seem to be very similar, and I need MORE and also I have a different take on it, SO. (My brain that needs Categories for Things doesn’t know what to do with this exactly because it seems that a lot of people think the common labels are too ableist and I don’t disagree, so I’m calling this stealth!autism because it’s Not Obvious And Undiagnosed But Still Relevant, AKA me, lol.)

Under a cut because this monster weighs in at just over 2k words. Oops.

Also, ya know, a little bit AU because I hate that Tony sold the Tower. :P

Tony was the first to realize anything was different about the kid, after he started spending more time actively mentoring him after the Vulture fiasco.

It was small things at first. He didn’t think much about it. The first couple of months, most sarcasm went completely over the kid’s head (which, okay, Tony’s brand of humor isn’t really mainstream anymore, he thinks -- he doesn’t speak meme -- and maybe that was the problem because the kid does slowly catch on to it, and fewer and fewer awkward moments ensue as time passes). He stuttered and didn’t often make eye contact, but he wrote that off as more nerves than anything. He rambled about one topic non-stop sometimes, but he wrote it off as anxiety -- a need to fill the silence. His hands were always busy, if not with anything productive, then a constant fidgeting. Once again, probably just nerves.

But as time passed and Peter became decidedly more comfortable around him, none of those things disappeared. Maybe he stutters a little less, but nothing about his mannerisms changed. And the longer he knows Peter, the more little things come to his attention.

Peter has a hard time taking verbal instructions. It’s not that he’s not listening or focusing. It’s more like he just doesn’t...comprehend? process? It just doesn’t always stick. And that’s okay. Tony can work with that. He makes Peter repeat instructions to make sure he’s got it, or he writes it down if he can’t just show the kid himself. Everybody learns differently, after all. (Tony would know.)

Peter often stayed for dinner when he came to the Tower, and Tony noticed the things he liked to eat and the things he wouldn’t. “You don’t like mushrooms? Uncultured!” -- A shrug. “I don’t mind the taste, but I can’t stand the texture. Same goes for shrimp.”

(He files that information away for safe keeping. Do Not Make Shrimp.)

And, really that was just the start. The seemingly ‘little things’ piled up.

One night, after Peter had left, Tony was puzzling everything over. Trying to figure this oddly eccentric kid out. Pepper offered a listening ear.

“It sounds like he could be on the spectrum? It’s a lot of little things, but they add up. It fits.”

And, oh. That made sense actually. But... “Why would he not tell me that?”

“You’re still his hero. He probably doesn’t want you to think any differently of him.”

So Tony doesn’t say anything. There’s no tactful way to ask something like that, after all. Peter will tell him when he’s ready to -- if he ever is -- Tony figures. But until then, he’ll just keep adjusting. Life is probably hard enough to navigate, no need to make the workshop that way, too.

Peter doesn’t know. He’s always been aware that he’s different, sure, but he has Ned and -- more recently -- MJ as friends and (most of) the Decathlon team, so it’s okay. He doesn’t mind, not really.

(He didn’t present in the ‘normal’ ways when he was little, so, just like Tony, all the adults in his life wrote off the ‘little things’ as something else.)

And then everything happens and suddenly he’s spending a lot of time with the Tony Stark and getting to work in his lab with him, and if the Tony Stark does’t mind that he’s kind of weird and awkward, then he must not be that weird or awkward. Tony doesn’t interrupt his rambles or look annoyed by them. He doesn’t comment on the fidgeting or stuttering. Peter doesn’t know when the hero worship ended, but he thinks it probably had something to do with the sheer amount of patience the man has for him and his oddities.

(And, don’t get him wrong, Tony is still his hero, but it’s different now.)

Besides his aunt and Ned, he thinks Tony might just be the most comfortable person to be around.

Second semester starts, and he finds out he needs to take an elective instead of a free period in order to stay on track to graduate. Unfortunately there’s only one class that’ll fit in his schedule as is and he doesn’t really want to mess around with the placements of his other classes, so he ends up taking some sort of health class, but not the fun home-ec ones where you get to cook and eat the stuff you make. He’s not exactly dreading it, but he’s not looking forward to it either.

Instead of having an exam for midterms, they have a project, the topics assigned at random, things like depression and anxiety and ADHD. Peter’s topic is Autism Spectrum Disorder. Like most people his age, he has a vague idea of what that is, but he thinks it’ll be interesting to learn more about, so he’s at least not dreading doing research.

He starts with the basics, what it is and how it works and the ‘markers’ of how you can tell if someone is. Which leaves him vaguely confused. Because some of these things sound like him? But he’s not, so.

He ends up in forums, because he knows that the strictly medical side of things often doesn’t actually do it justice with how it is to actually live with something. On every forum he slogs though there’s always at least one thread about not being formally diagnosed at all or not until adulthood. And he always reads those because how could something like that get missed? But he quickly finds out it’s really pretty common (or, at least, more common than he thinks it should be).

He goes to blogs, too. Between the two, he finds a million and one things that people on the spectrum deal with that ‘official’ sites don’t tell you. Actual people relate what it’s actually like, and suddenly there’s this seed planted in his mind because holy crap does he identify with this and suddenly a lot of things make more sense.

He’s not sure how he gets there, but he ends up on an online AQ test and he takes it. He doesn’t technically score high enough, but he’s borderline (and the higher end of that, even, barely missing the lowest number, and if he’s honest, a couple questions he wasn’t entirely sure how to answer and that may have made a difference), and the site itself says, “89% of those who fall in the borderline category are diagnosed” and...

He doesn’t really know what to do with this information. He’s almost 16 and he’s old enough to understand this kind of stuff so surely if May knew she would have told him. But how the heck do you even ask about something like this? “Hey, May, am I autistic?” just wasn’t going to cut it. And if she didn’t know, that would be even more awkward. So he doesn’t. He buries the thought and ignores it the best he can.

But Tony notices because of course he does. He asks if Peter is alright and spends an awful lot of time staring at him with that expression no matter how many times he says he’s fine. Eventually, Tony does drop it with a quick “I’m always here to listen if you need to talk -- no judgment” and Peter appreciates that more than he’d like to admit, but just like with May, how the heck do you start a conversation like this one? So he still doesn’t.

For a while after, everything is fine. He turns in his project, gets an A on it, and he puts it out of his mind.

Finals pass, and summer vacation starts, which means he has more time to swing around Queens and more time to spend with Tony in the lab. This is going to be the best summer ever he’s pretty darn sure.

It’s late June, and Peter is staying the weekend because May is out of town and any excuse is a good one. AC/DC is playing over the lab’s speakers, just like normal, and he’s rambling about something when he suddenly becomes very aware that that’s what he’s doing, that he’s actually info-dumping, and -- he cuts off mid-sentence. Because he hasn’t thought about this in months, but it’s back again. What if...?

He zones out, he’s not sure for how long, but the music clicks off and suddenly Tony is sitting directly in front him, obviously concerned. Very concerned, because he’s not even trying to hide it. “Peter? What’s wrong?” No nickname? Tony is definitely on to him, and he’s not going to get away with saying ‘nothing’ this time. He stares down at his hands, and he can’t help but rub his fingers together (he doesn’t really have anything else to fidget with at the current moment so).

He’s very aware of the silence and that Tony is still waiting for an answer. But he doesn’t know what to say, so he doesn’t say anything.

(To Tony’s credit, he doesn’t so much as shift or sigh. He just...sits and waits. He’s not usually such a patient man, but Peter is different. He can be endlessly patient with Peter. Pepper says it’s because Peter is practically his kid, and he’s not so sure about that, but whatever.)

The silence is uncomfortable and he can feel himself starting to panic, but he forces himself to breathe and try to unscramble his thoughts. Because whatever he says, he’s determined to not say it bluntly. There has to be a subtle way of asking...maybe...right? He’s determined to try, anyway.

In the end, he settles on a mumbled, “Mr Stark? Do you think I’m... different?”

(And Tony has to steel himself because he’s known for more than six months at this point and he’s just been waiting for this conversation so you’d better not mess this up, Stark.) “Maybe. But that’s not a bad thing. Normal people don’t accomplish things worth remembering.”

“You don’t think I’m...weird? or awkward?”

“You’re a teenager. ‘Weird’ and ‘awkward’ are kinda part of the job description.”

Peter almost smiles. He knows Tony is joking with him, but... “No, I mean....” He cuts off. He doesn’t know what he means, really, and trying to figure it out is exhausting. “I don’t know. Never mind. It’s not important.”

“If something is bothering you, that makes it important to me.”

Peter isn’t sure what to think of that, and silence drags on again.

For a hot minute, Tony thinks he blew it. But then Peter speaks up again, and when he finally starts, he rambles it all out and doesn’t even try to sort it out. He just...wants it out. “I just... I don’t fit in, Mr Stark, and I’ve always known that and I’ve been okay with that because I’m just me, ya know? And if other people don’t like me, that’s on them not me, or at least that’s what I’ve always been taught and everything, it’s just I’m weird and I know it, and I’m just...” There’s a pause, and he’s not sure Tony even hears what he ends with, “I think there’s something wrong with me.”

(At this point, Tony realizes that Peter probably didn’t have any idea until a couple of months ago. Oh. Well.)

When Tony replies, it’s not how Peter thinks he will. “Does this have something to do with that mid-term project you had to do?” He finally meets Tony’s gaze again, and Tony adds with a smile, “You were acting kinda like this then, too, kid.”

He looks back down at his hands and mumbles. “Autism. That’s what my project was on.”

“And you think you are?”

Peter can’t even find it in him to nod. He just...keeps staring at his hands and waits for the other shoe to drop because surely this is it, this’ll be the thing that’s too much on top of everything else, and Tony will boot him out because he doesn’t want to deal with it.

It’s only quiet for a moment before Tony says casually, “You wanna know who else is on the spectrum? Einstein. Or, I guess I should say was, but that’s irrelevant.”

Peter is looking at him again, because What???

Tony smiles at the look on Peter’s face. “I’m serious. People who know far more about it than I do say he probably was.” He shrugs. “So your brain works a little differently. So what? It just means that you’ll see answers no one else will. So the way I see it, that just means you’re gonna change the world, kid.”

Peter decides maybe he can live with this after all.

(They go back to work, the music clicks back on, and it’s a solid ten minutes before it dawns on Peter. His head snaps up and over to where Tony is working a few feet away, and says, “You already knew, didn’t you?”

Tony just laughs and says, “Pep guessed before I did really, but I guess you could say that. I’ve had a hunch since around Christmastime.”

And that puts him more at ease than anything yet. Tony knew and still treated him exactly the same as before. He decides maybe this is okay.)

(Not a week later, when Peter shows up at the Tower to work on stuff, he finds a box on his workbench. Inside are various fidget toys. All he can do is stare as Tony comes up beside him.

“Try ‘em out. Let me know what you like. That way I can have a stash because God knows you lose things like no one I’ve ever known.” It’s all said with a fond smile, and Peter knows it’s true -- he does lose things like crazy.

Peter decides he likes the cubes, and Tony is true to his word. “This one stays here, on your table. Here’s another one that stays on your desk at home. This one is a spare for your backpack, and this one is to carry around wherever. I also have three more in the drawer over there for when you inevitably lose one.”

They’re all superhero-themed, and he’s pretty sure Tony commissioned the designs especially for him, though he can’t prove it.

At some point a weighted blanket appears in his room in the Tower after a movie night where Tony pulls out his and Peter comments how AMAZING it is. He gets another one for home for his birthday. Both are also custom-made superhero-themed colors.)

[suedrawl]

[[more]] i've been doing a bit of soul-searching/musing as to why I've struggled for the past few years (or I argue my entire 'career') why it's so dang hard to draw. It's unique for every artist, I think. And a mix of a variety of factors. I'm hoping that writing this out and maybe getting opinions/what have you will help me out. Some of this i'm already clearly aware of. Some I'm just now realizing that it's NOT my fault. and some t hints i'm still guessing on/figuring out. also another preface: i'm not necessarily unique in any of these problems. others struggle as well in this. hopefully this isn't read the wrong way by friends (if you do read this, no pressure if this is too long/boring/etc). the first one that comes to my head is obviously health. I also think this is the main and overarching reason why i struggle. When you mix the variety of chronic illnesses i have, some might argue how i can draw at all? the main reason I push on anyway is out of pure spite/stubbornness (and a lot of fear). Depression makes me disinterested and impassive. Also it causes me to stress out and give up easily--I'm too hard on myself in general, but the depression multiplies that sensation. The adhd causes obviously--attention issues. I can't focus, jump from one task to the next, or even can hyperfocus in an unhealthy pattern on things when i should be drawing. i often choose mundane things that won't require a lot of brain power (farming in a MMO, organizing my pencil box, etc). I think this is sorta a mix between the depression and adhd? idk, still need to research that. And finally, fibromyalgia and my sleeping disorder. This is more obvious and physical. I'm not sure what you guys know about fibromyalgia, but the closest thing i can describe it to is a weird mix between the flu and arthritis with a touch of sensory issues. it's a really weird syndrome so I'll get to the point than ramble on that. It causes me physical pain to draw longer than 20 minutes or so on 'flare' days. then mix in my mysterious sleeping issue (though really it's very much linked to things like depression and the fibro), and i will randomly have sleep attacks. It's kind of scary because i don't want to accidentally associate myself subconsciously to when art happens=time to sleep! yikes. I do also have an anxiety disorder, but I still don't know how severe or how exactly it affects me beyond basic symptoms. But I'll also get back to that in a moment. this isn't to say i'm trying to find excuses. I'm human. I make mistakes, screw up, so forth. I am bad with procrastination, keeping promises/goals, and can generally just be lazy. but I can only take that so far when the evidence is so strong and contrary to what i once believed, you know? This goes back to being a child. It started with my parents fussing (getting borderline emotionally and verbally abusive) that i couldn't focus or finish projects. they ignored a doctor's warning abut health issues (primarily the adhd) and then I started to treat myself badly (though i think my personality has always been hard on myself. it's just a trait). i would beat myself up, punish, and generally make the situation worse without my knowledge of that. I just genuinely, truly believed, that everyone else was akin to my state of being and i was being hugely lazy. that thinking really poisoned and close to ruined myself forever. not quite, but i think it came really close to destroying any hope to me being a functional professional artist. this comes back to the anxiety i think too? but it was a very secretive trait. I remember sometimes having esteem or confidence--but often something would go awry and i'd immediately blame myself. i'd think I was overconfident or egotistical, and i deserved the failing. not a good way to look at things, you know? but that's how i was raised. (honestly, thank god for websites like dA, BZP, and other places that nurtured me in my isolated and bubbled environment. nothing is perfect, but still, it did a lot for me and i would not be the artist i am today without all of y'all and those communities.) but i was (and still am a bit) so stubborn to keep drawing. I knew one thing only that was true, and everything else fell to the self-doubt and fear: I was GOING to be an artist. The pursuit would never end. Taking art away from me would also take my soul. No art felt like not breathing for me. The act of creating things from colours, shapes, and lines was all that gave me a sense of fulfillment. anything else was purely an illusion in a distorted world. I might not be exactly good at the art of drawing and painting, but it felt like where I needed to be, and everything would eventually fall into place. (though i often blamed art for my problems too, though that's another subject for another day) that's all in the past though. it shaped me to be who i am today, and that is that. I shouldn't forget, and it explains a bunch of things for the present, but it will not shape my future and nor should overthink it or not be able to move on. that's a lot hard to say than do though. One final thing, and for awhile I fell into the trap of blaming myself. but i realized this is likely linked to my health too. maybe not fully, because i have proven otherwise, but the fact remains. I lack ideas. I can draw. but what about the story? the subject matter? themes? All of that. my art lacks depth. sure, i can draw a character standing there, or simple scenery, or a random headshot--but if it doesn't connect to the viewer, then what's the point? I mean, everything has a place as some point. And there's nothing wrong with just randomly drawing sometimes. but if i want to get anywhere, I have to start using completed ideas. but the it circles back to my health. when you're so exhausted, depressed, anxious, and physically aching--can you blame anyone for not pushing through with projects and ideas? that takes brainpower and spoons. and with limited resources, you do what you have to do. you begin to portion the little you have. it's clearly not enough for any category, but it's all you have. so you push onward, feeling lifeless and incomplete in eveyrthing. but it's all you have. so what the hell do i do? especially if the health problems are persistent. I'm always going to have these. i guess the only hope is they will become less severe. it's been so long, if ever, that i've been without health problems and a functional brain/body. is there any hope for me?