#my problem is i still have social anxiety around forming relationships with people due to

[vahanians]

making friends is hard

[cupids-chamber]

𝐈𝐍𝐃𝐄𝐅𝐈𝐍𝐀𝐓𝐄 𝐇𝐀𝐈𝐓𝐔𝐒

Hi, so I'm going on an indefinite hiatus. This is a impromptu decision, so I don't know if I'll come back in like a day and correct myself. But I've been debating on this decision for a long time, so yea.

[ below the undercut you'll find some of my reasons for this decision, and etc, I'd be grateful if you take your time reading it. ]

I don't feel comfortable as 'Cupid', I guess it's because 'Cupid' was never supposed to be my persona, she was just an oc who's running this blog, and it was supposed to be fun, mini lore bits, or whatever, and I thought the idea was really cool back then. . up until people started calling me Cupid.

I guess overtime, I never made a serious effort to correct it, so like it just became me? But like as shit went on and on and on . . It felt weird, I guess a sort of imposter syndrome or like identity crises started forming? I . . didn't feel like myself, I guess I felt like whatever 'Cupid' was.

And as months passed with this sort of identity crises, I started questioning my personality, my interests, if my friends here truly liked me, or if I was more open or idk myself? If they'd still like me? I'm not a chronically online person, in fact I've realized pretty recently that I hate staying in one place, I love the outdoors, and if I could I'd socialize more, but I also overthink and get embarrassed easily. I don't like being on my pc 24/7, yes it's something I still do, but I feel terrible after doing so.

I actually picked up certain interests I've had in the passed again, and I've felt more like myself. I don't know, I think I've realized that my relationship with this blog has been unhealthy, it's always been unhealthy, and my identity crises was the least extreme problem I've had due to this blog.

Actually, the game, the controversies, the fights, everything I've experienced on this blog, has left lasting physical damage on my body, I can't handle anxiety, I can't handle stress, and it's because the moment I get anxiety, stressed, or begin to overthink, I get immensely nauseas, I'm stuck in the bathroom, and if I don't throw up it feels worse, I can't eat, I'm unproductive for hours if one things ticks off my anxiety. I feel unlike myself, and the thing is, I can't fix it, it's just how I'm now. I have pills I have to take for this itself, and honestly they've not been 100% helpful.

Alongside abundance of other problems, mental breakdowns, and so much more shit, this blog has truly done nothing but make everything so much worse for me. If I had one good day or week with this blog and the people around me, I can expect a month of bad in return, and there comes a point where I genuinely cannot fake confidence out of it.

I genuinely think I need to dissociate from 'Cupid', she's not me, I'm not her. As I'm typing this, I genuinely wonder, what am I truly? Up until now my identity, was what I formed through 'Cupid', and honestly I don't even know where I'm going with this, I genuinely am just . . done. I'm tired. I've tried, I have not succeeded in overcoming any problems this blog has caused me.

I think a part of me is so attached to this blog, because of 'Cupid' and of course because it helped me out of my depressive pit, but as these last few weeks pass, and I edge closer to my final year before university, I feel myself returning to that depressive pit, worse than ever . . so at that point, I can't help but ask myself, what was the point of me staying on this blog despite the clear signs and warnings for me to leave?

I really don't know where I'm going with this, but I'm really grateful for everyone who has followed this blog, who have given me the chance to improve my writing. I guess it's time for a genuine goodbye? Because as I'm writing this, I don't really plan on coming back and that's the honest truth, with every hiatus I try and dance around a final goodbye but after this week I genuinely think this is the best decision for myself.

Note : Kindly do not call refer to me as 'Cupid', or anything if you plan on responding and if you do want to remain in contact with me, please message me for my new discord account. I probably won't respond fast as I try and maintain a distance from this account and don't bother contacting me on discord, I'm taking a break from the account as well <3

[shihalyfie]

With Digimon Ghost Game starting, I thought about how different it is from previous Digimon series, though it's still undoubtedly Digimon... and then I realized all Digimon series are like that. So I wonder, what do you think sets each Digimon series apart from the rest?

I think both Ghost Game but also the reboot have been a wake-up call for people in terms of realizing that likes, dislikes, and tastes are subjective, and I think it's especially important in terms of this fanbase that is so obsessed with this idea you can objectively rank things by quality -- especially when each series is often deliberately trying to have its own identity, so it's arguably apples and oranges -- and forcing this idea of what's Good and Not Good on everyone else (especially when there's a nasty double standard phenomenon where Adventure and often Tamers get to be so impervious to criticism that people conveniently forget they're perfectly capable of being scrutinized for a lot of things they're weaker in). Very frustrating to see everyone who likes less popular series treated as if they have to accept that they like a "badly written series" for some things and everything else is a guilty pleasure, which I find to be incredibly dumb.

The most important take-home here is that the fact each series has its own identity is always going to be the main factor in what makes it "good" or not to you, not some arbitrary bar of comparison that's based on some narrow-minded view of "good writing" (which is usually unreasonably based on Adventure). For instance, the reason why 02 is so important to me is because (see below), to me, it has the highest amount of meaningful, important life lessons and themes that it wanted its audience to remember, to the point that I frankly do not care about where the plot goes in comparison. That may not be the case for everyone else, and that's fine, but should my tastes be called unreasonable for that? I think we're also coming to realize that because of Adventure (and kind of 02)'s precedent, so many people have been judging series purely by how intimate their individual character development style is, but this is unfair because Adventure and 02's ridiculous level of character depth to psychological detail is extremely unusual and unrealistic to expect of others; Adventure and 02 only achieved this by practically considering the plot utterly subservient to its character arcs, and it's arguably why they have some of the weakest "plots" in this franchise. It's so bizarre that I can see character development in other Digimon series that outstrips even most kids' anime on the market, but it's not as much as Adventure's so apparently it's bad. And, moreover, as it turns out, some people have priorities other than characterization; just because Adventure had that as its strength doesn't mean that's the only thing anyone should care about. Is the plot fun? Is there a meaningful message besides characters (also important to me)? Do you vibe with the tone being dark, or being silly? How much do you care about resourceful usage of Digimon lore? That kind of thing. Everyone is different, so that's why everyone has their own priorities. If you’re someone who prefers darker content, you may not realize that writing good and well-timed comedy is actually a very, very difficult task, especially when said comedy simultaneously has meaning (in comparison, it’s surprisingly easy to write “dark” but shallow content).

I think it's fair to like every Digimon series for its own thing, depending on your personal tastes. I can't speak for everyone, but my impressions are that it has to do with the following:

Adventure: Significantly easier to understand than 02 due to its more straightforward plot, and focus on individual character development ("individualism" being a strong point here). In terms of characters, it goes a lot into some very real social problems (the divorce around the Ishida and Takaishi families and the pressures surrounding Jou, for instance) in a very realistic manner. Also, it has that sense of mystique and absurdism to the Digital World that's both whimsical but also mysterious, and while 02 has it too, Adventure's the isekai story that has it the most.

02: The first is its focus on the importance of human relationships and the compelling group dynamic unparalleled in this franchise, and the second is its important themes and life lessons that I think are some of the strongest in said franchise. I have a whole tag for the ridiculous amount of nuance packed into every detail and dialogue line for this series, and I think every time I've rewatched an episode I've learned something new about it because there are so many things that clearly wanted to be said in each line. The entire series is basically an unpacking of the feelings of insidious self-hatred and the crushing feeling of being subject to society's expectations, and ones that are so deep-seated that you often don’t even have a single answer to how to unpack it (for instance, Miyako hardly has a tragic single event in her backstory, but she says and does a lot of things that'll be painfully familiar to those who have experienced chronic anxiety). Almost every plot point can be said to connect to each character arc in some way, and the mantras for appreciating and treasuring your own life and living life the way you will make this, in my opinion, the strongest series in terms of speaking to those who struggle with this kind of existential crisis for reasons of depression or otherwise. (Oops, I think I went too passionate about this; my biases are obvious...)

Tamers: I think it forms an interesting study and unpacking of the kinds of things you take for granted in Digimon or the monster-collecting genre in general, and an examination of how they'd work in a real-world context (although 02 had a focus on daily life, it didn't quite merge the Digimon and the real world factors until very late in the series). Also, probably the second highest on "hard sci-fi" (the only one that outstrips it is probably Appmon, but Appmon has a very different, more simplified take on it).

Frontier: A series that lies somewhere between Adventure's scale of individualism and 02's scale of group dynamic, and one more discussing the feeling of having your heart hardened from being an outcast, and what it takes to accept the idea of opening yourself up to others again. Recommended for those who like transforming hero and magical girl stories, too. From the Digimon perspective, also the one with the most detailed and consistent Digital World mythos.

Savers: I think this is the series that most drives home "life is complicated" (i.e. there isn't a single mastermind behind everything) in the most tasteful manner, because while it drives home the point that you can't just simplify everything into a good side and a bad side, some bad things really are evil (hi, Kurata), and it doesn't change the fact that everyone's responsible for cleaning up the fallout. The portrayal of the evils of government bureaucracy is probably the most realistic out of any of these series.

Xros Wars: For those who like fun, most of all! For those who like seeing Digimon finally get more of the spotlight and individuality since so much of it had been geared and biased towards the humans prior to this. For those who really like worldbuilding, and, after all, this is called Xros Wars, so it's interesting to see shakeups on the usual formulas in the form of the different factions and their priorities. Hunters is very different in tone, but I do think they have some of these aspects in common; that said, it being closer to having single partnerships brings it a bit closer in line to conventional Digimon partnerships, and it also has more of a picture of daily life. Also, as much as Tagiru is probably your-mileage-may-vary since he's not exactly a very nice kid (I get it if you don't vibe with that), which may also rub those hoping for not nice kids to become nice the wrong way, I do have to say I find him to be one of the funniest characters in this entire franchise, and you'd be surprised how hard good comedy is to write.

Appmon: Probably one of the strongest theme narratives besides 02, since it has a very clear and obvious theme about the importance of kindness in a world where technology is dominating and we're almost encouraged to strip the feelings out of everything. (Bonus for more straightforward plot than Adventure or 02 while still retaining a lot of its elements in terms of how to characterize them.) Also the first series to be speculative about the near future instead of taking place around the time it airs, and it's very obvious it wants to provide important and necessary commentary about what we need to do in the incoming era, especially as a lot of what it has to say becomes increasingly relevant.

Reboot: For those who like Digimon mythos and null canon -- this is probably the only series to show it off in this level of detail -- and the kind of cool action fights that would usually be saved for the climax in prior series (and animated in much more intimate detail with battle choreography than prior series would have). There are a lot of people into this franchise who felt like it genuinely was not making enough use of its Digimon roster and its potential because it kept going back to the old standbys (especially Adventure-based ones), so it was a huge relief for that crowd to see attention finally being paid.

[hysteriapilled]

- 𝙰 𝚁𝙴𝙰𝙳𝙸𝙽𝙶 𝙾𝙽 𝙴𝚁𝙴𝙽 𝙹𝙰𝙴𝙶𝙴𝚁'𝚂 𝙲𝙷𝙰𝚁𝚃 𝙱𝙴𝙲𝙰𝚄𝚂𝙴 𝙸 𝙷𝙰𝚅𝙴 𝙽𝙾𝚃𝙷𝙸𝙽𝙶 𝙴𝙻𝚂𝙴 𝚃𝙾 𝙳𝙾

Keep in mind that this might be inaccurate considering the information given is not canon, but from google. There will be no house readings since I can't even get a hold of his actual birth time so there is no rising sign (This is Eren's chart and how he would be if he were real, so don't take everything as factual)

𝐅𝐈𝐑𝐒𝐓 𝐎𝐅𝐅

Big 5 Analysis

- SUN IN ARIES. Your sun defines your ego, core identity, your authentic self and in my personal opinion it's not really an important placement in the chart, and more of a title basically. People born into Aries are usually perceived as loud, impulsive, raging and aggressive by others— but they're very caring and protective to the ones they love, though sometimes they sure can have bursts of anger. Eren is stubborn, he can't be chained down and refuses to sit back and watch the people he cares about get tossed around. He is a firm person, quick on his feet and rather very rushing, he's like a puppy excited to get his owner running laps around him, he's hyper and motivating; a natural leader. - MOON IN PISCES. Your moon is your emotional side, how you feel, how you perceive feelings and how you process them. Eren with moon in Pisces is definitely not surprising to me— He is dreamy, intuitive, compassionate and he's either too dependable on others or just an overthinker. Though he may not seem like it Eren is very vulnerable and even prone to getting addicted to substances (alcohol, drugs, bad habits etc.) It's not the best placement in my standpoint, as he can get very affected by his surroundings and others. He can't turn a blind eye and NOT take shit to heart and rather stores it inside and holds onto it. He's very empathetic, he feels people's emotions and feels them well, to the point that he himself experiences what they are going through. - MERCURY IN PISCES. Eren has a LOT of Pisces placements so prepare to see a ton of empathy and psychic abilities in his aspects. Your Mercury is how you think, speak and learn. I sense that Eren has really great vulnerability which might not be a good thing, he trusts people too much and rather relies on them for heaps of things, he can be easily manipulated which is why he should refrain from letting everyone in. On the other hand, he is a very dreamy person and gets lost in his imagination at times. He sees the world in another, imaginative lens, and often could find himself daydreaming randomly. I can see that Eren has a hard time letting go of the past and he can even be linked to people in his life he hadn't seen in years. In terms of rational thinking he isn't the best, as he can't distinguish the logical from the emotional which is definitely something he should work on, he gets often blinded by the illusion of his overwhelming emotions toward others. He can also definitely have an eye to art since his imagination is extravagantly wide.

- VENUS IN TAURUS. Your mercury is your idea of love and how you give it and prefer to receive it— Eren's idea of romance is full of sensuality and gifts, he'll spoil you with his utter loyalty and generally with things too. Devotion is daily, he's extremely honest and would rather die than lie to you. Emphasis on sensuality, Eren craves touch and I could sense that his love language is physical touch, he will shower you with affection and fulfill your needs any time of the day. Taurus in Venus are all about comfort and coziness with their lover, so I can see that Eren loves cuddling, massages, food, sleepovers, intimate little things like that strike a chord in his heart. He can be possessive and jealous of times, he hates change specifically big ones in relationships—He can also take a long time to get to know you and prefers taking things slow and steady rather than rushing into it. I can also feel that he loves hard-workers, people who are dedicated and responsible (that's definitely his type). - MARS IN CAPRICORN. Two words. Goal driven. Your Mars is your approach towards anger and impulses as well as your sexuality aspects. Eren is self-controlled and refuses to take orders from others, he can't be chained down not because he's stubborn, but simply because he can't allow himself to stop. He has a tendency to shut out the world to pursue his objective— he moves forward (not a pun) and is willing to fight against everything and everyone to reach his goal, he isn't petty as he considers little quarrels a waste of time and energy. He likes to focus on the big problem at hand, not how to fight and win the battle but how to prepare for conquering the war once and for all. Eren with this placement knows that he is entitled to earn what he works hard for and will not let anything stop him. Mars signs can also affect appearance so I sense that Eren has very prominent and broad cheekbones, a serious face, and a very stiff, steady voice like he's about to command something. It can also be an intimate, velvety and cold voice and on the topic of intimacy— He usually prefers seeing you face to face and rather dislikes social media flings. He comes with a natural inclination to assume a dominant role in bed and he does what doesn't bother him (kink-wise) His temper is so icy, and he could definitely be on the sadomasochism spectrum. He's very soft in nature so if something was bothering you he'd instantly be turned off. Eren can be aggressive and intense but he may not specifically get off on pain (or he may) more like he finds the idea of being in control a very satisfying idea.

𝐒𝐄𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐃 𝐎𝐅𝐅

2. Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune & Pluto Analysis

- JUPITER IN AQUARIUS. Your Jupiter is where you can receive the most luck and love, without you really doing much. It’s where you can catapult to happiness and success through quickest routes possible, within reason. I can tell from previous placements that Eren is a firm believer in standing for what you think is right. He is very opinionated and sometimes a bit too much— Some of his beliefs or theories can be brilliant and genius and others quite nonsensical and implausible, he rushes into throwing the first opinion just for the sake of throwing it first. Any analytical work about objective themes would come easily to him. Passion and enthusiasm will come astonishingly fast too as he can actually stun society with his innate knowledge with complicated subjects. Any scientific, technological, or perhaps just general abstract topics will benefit Eren greatly in subtle and/or unsubtle ways. He takes leaps of faith and believes what his eyes cannot see or what his mind cannot grasp. Simply what makes everything work out so well for him is the open minded love he puts into his theories. Sometimes though, he fears judgement people give to his methods as they are sometimes out of the box and peculiar. Eren would have to let go of his attachment to what other people think about his ways on solving or analyzing. - SATURN IN LIBRA. Your Saturn sign is your life’s obstacles and challenges, the rewards that come with time, and the discipline you need to achieve your goals. To start off with friendships, Eren cares about others and is tireless in serving others—he's also prone to putting others before him (others as in the people he cares about) And supporting his moon and mercury Pisces, he is very artistic and helps civilize those who need the lessons. The companionship he seeks can often give him solace and security, with his comrades support he feels a lot more powerful and in self-control. In relationships though Eren may tend to have a bit of an inferiority complex when it comes to relationships and is afraid of rejection & may try to shut himself away or run if the going gets tough. He is very drawn to mentor types, and may often be with someone older and wiser. Despite that he still finds a way to assume the dominant role in the relationship due to his cold nature. Eren commits to artful projects, making it possible to live his dreams by seeing them to completion, he finds it very gratifying and has mental discipline when he finds activities that matches his high ideals. His sense of social justice is heightened, that could get him into law, politics and activism—His firm belief in himself also plays a big role in this, his bravery allows himself to sacrifice whatever he has to, to get the job done. Chaos, crassness, and ugliness can cause him a lot of anxiety and fear, and with his persistence to right the wrong he gets really frustrated when people don't have an outlook to life the same as his. I sense that it may be hard for Eren to accept that only he is able to control himself, and it's a hard pill for him to swallow.

- URANUS IN PISCES. As I mentioned before Eren's chart is dominated with Pisces placements, his intuition works at another wavelength than that of the common people, and for this reason, he is in a much deeper connection to the spirit world. He can sense the occult and this acts as a form of guidance for him, an anchor to support his meanderings through life’s challenges. Pair that up with his splendid imagination and innovative spirit, and you get someone who’s afraid of failure even when he’s not doing anything out of the ordinary, the worst thing that could happen to Eren is failing and losing his sense of validation. He’s a negativist ( I can see Eren as a cynical person later on in life, a realist would fit his philosophical belief) but, he should let his intuition and connection to the spirit world heal this part of his, instead of allowing everything to work against him. He won’t let himself be fooled by naïve ideals, even though he likes believing in them. He can be quite realistic and logical when the situation calls for it and that's quite ironic considering he's indulged in his imagination most of the time. - NEPTUNE IN SAGITTARIUS. This is one hell of a placement. Experimentation with different beliefs, spiritual strands, and esoteric-based teachings are all things Eren finds interest in. He cannot deny the divine existence truly and indefinitely to himself- even if he does so to others, there is always the gnawing sense that ‘there is something more,’ and one day he may regret not finding out what that is. His gift is bringing the joy of shared faith and spirituality together, making the sect he resonates with part of his life’s philosophy. We can tell by now that Eren's purpose is seeking truth, absorbing information and looking at the world in a different lens. - PLUTO IN PISCES. Shawty Bae here can also can be more passive aggressive when trying to get what he wants. This means he can be manipulative at times. This is the only time he ever makes a power play. When he is struggling to achieve something for the greater good. (THIS ACTUALLY RESONATES WITH HIS PLAN) But this desire for control is never executed maliciously. He wants things to go his way so he doesn't disappoint those who are counting on him. Eren can be very sensitive, and it’s important to him that he doesn't let anyone down. He so desperately want to help people that he sometimes sacrifices his health and well being, and even somtimes the well being of others just for the outcome to turn out best.

𝐋𝐀𝐒𝐓𝐋𝐘

3. Chiron (Scar)

- CHIRON IN PISCES. Your Chiron sign in astrology shows where you sustained your deepest wound, your scar— It can never be completely healed, but they can be worked with and transmuted. Eren with Chiron in Pisces, we've already talked about many Pisces qualities in him (empathy, psychic abilities, imagination etc.) But the Chiron has a lot more depth into it, Eren might have a deep fear of being hurt by the universe or the forces at play. He might feel that the world is unfair or merciless and doesn't have his back almost every time. He has a sense of betrayal, and that leads him into cynicism (mentioned before in his Uranus placement) He felt that nobody was there for him when he needed it the most and he also feels a sense of victimization. This placement has a lot to do with the idea of FATE. Even subconsciously Eren feels he was dealt an unfair life, I can also feel that his way of coping is feeling someones grief right alongside them. Sympathyzing is definitely his way of forgetting about his own problems. Even though Eren doesn't exactly victimize himself he still can't understand why the universe is set up this way— he feels that the world isn't fair to him and his loved ones. Although all this scarring shows when he indulges himself in an immense shell of cynicism, then he hops between two places; Not feeling empathy for others since nobody offered empathy to him - or sympathyzing greatly and putting others' needs before his. It is easy for him to shut his feelings out but only with the help of substances which makes him more prone to getting addicted. This placement was created at some point in the past when Eren needed something badly and didn’t get it (sometimes the wound stems from a past life, but this stemmed from his childhood) Maybe it's because he felt insignificant to someone he felt was an idol to him, maybe this figure or idol was never there to nurture him and the probability of him having a lost close one in early childhood days is a very probable cause in how this Chiron stemmed.

BONUS:

- I get massive ISFP vibes from early Eren and INTJ from late him.

- His Venus Taurus makes him very romantic, so I feel like this would be his favorite song to dance to

[itsthewickedwitchofthewest]

8 REAL Reasons Your Magic Fails and How to Fix It

What happens when your magic frustratingly doesn’t work? You put your intention out there, you gathered the ingredients, you timed it right, and then you performed the ritual. And then you waited. Nothing happened. OR the opposite of what you wanted was the result. There could be many reasons, but we teach you the 8 main reasons your magic fails PLUS how to fix it below!

1. No Follow-Through

Something I’ve seen a LOT in the online magical community is people who perform rituals, cast spells, and then wait for their intention to manifest. And wait. And wait. Then they ask if they can do the same magic again expecting the initial intended result. My question is – have you followed through with fueling your magic in the PHYSICAL realm? What I mean by this is – you can perform a new job ritual but if you don’t follow it up with footwork like applying to jobs, networking, etc. this is a reason your magic fails. Intention and energy in the spiritual realm must be mirrored with intention and energy in the physical realm. As above, so below.

2. Not Enough Energy Raised

This kind of goes along with number one, but sometimes not enough energy is raised during the ritual process. For example, how many times (honestly) have you made a wish and blown out the birthday candles and the wish ACTUALLY come true? Yes, there’s energy with the thought in your mind then the action of blowing out the flame, but is that enough to set into a motion a big wish? Learn how to fix this problem in the last section

3. You Second-Guess Yourself

Not knowing what you truly want and casting a spell or performing a ritual for your intention is a great way to have nothing happen. Or to have your magic do something different than you imagined. Make sure you know what you want before making magic to acquire it. If you think you’ll second-guess yourself, don’t do the ritual or cast the spell.

4. Magical Recklessness

It’s the new thing that everyone says. “It doesn’t matter as long as the intention is there.” Sorry, I hate to break it to you. But magic is more than that. Sure, intention is HUGE. But if you’re wanting to manifest real results, you’ll probably be calling on help from allies: gods and goddesses, ancestors, guides, angels, and/or energy from plants, crystals and the elements. Each have their own consciousness and energetic vibrations. Always acknowledge and understand the energies you plan to work with to make your magic. Don’t call on two goddesses from two different pantheons during a love ritual if you don’t know them intimately. Research the supplies and tools you plan to use.

Magical recklessness may make your magic go awry in many ways. Not to mention it can sometimes be physically dangerous – i.e. you ingest a plant that may be toxic or interact with a medication you’re taking. Or you didn’t research how to safely use charcoal disks and loose incense and start a fire! Do your due diligence, folks.

5. Attracting the Wrong Energy

The fact of the matter is this – there are entities out there that are attracted to magic. It’s like a bright light and they’re the moths. Don’t let those moths get into your sacred space. For this reason, I always remind people cleansing, sealing, and warding practices should be done on a regular basis. If you’re making magic and not cleansing before and sometimes after, you may attract the wrong kind of energies and they can mess with your magical results! It can get messy.

6. Not Understanding the WHY

This reason your magic fails goes hand-in-hand with being magically mindful (and not reckless) – understand the WHY behind your magical rituals, charms, etc. Why are you taking this ritual bath? Why are you smudging the house? How do these herbs work to open your third eye? Understanding the WHY is CRUCIAL to magical success and manifestation. Always question things – always question yourself!

7. Stuck in a Negative Mindset

If you’re making magic but you’re a negative person, and you’re expecting positive results, you’re probably going to be disappointed. Shocker, right? What we think becomes reality. If you’re constantly living in a state of fear, anxiety, depression, etc. you’re blocking your own magic! Fear disconnects us from the divine – from the universal energy that we tap into when we make magic. When we make magic and are overall a positive, forward thinker, we are connected to the divine and allow energy to flow freely. Therefore, manifestation baby!

8. It’s Just Not the Time

The last reason your magic fails may be a bit disappointing, but it’s true nevertheless. Sometimes you can do all the magical things right and still see no results or different results than you expected. It doesn’t matter if you did everything perfectly, the magic doesn’t work. This is because its just not the time for you to have that expensive car or move to a new state. The universe, your guides, your gods and ancestors, etc. all look out for you. And sometimes what you WANT to happen isn’t what’s BEST for your growth. So…MAGIC BLOCKED.

How to Fix Your Failed Magic

Addressing each reason for magic failing, here’s how to fix the problems:

No Follow Through: when you do something that sets your intention in motion in the spiritual you should feed or fuel your magic in the physical. Looking for a new lover? Put yourself out there! Go to social events, sign up for those dating sites, etc. Don’t be lazy, y’all!

Not Enough Energy Raised: just saying a chant over a candle and letting it burn might not be enough energy to manifest your intentions. Raise more energy by chanting over and over, by feeling the energy in you and around you and channeling that into your ritual. Dancing, singing, praying, and visualization are all great ways to raise energy for magical purposes. Then channel and release it!

You Second Guess Yourself: here’s how to fix this problem. Know what you want and why you want it, clearly. Then once you’ve made the magic, don’t second guess it. If you second guess yourself, maybe you shouldn’t have made the magic to begin with.

Magical Recklessness: there’s been many times I’ve intuitively put herbs and stones together for a ritual without looking up every single herb’s “properties” and the spell has worked. But this is also because I’ve already worked with these herbs and stones and understand their core vibrations. If you have no clue what an herb is used for or its energy, do your research first. The same goes with invoking gods and spirits – research and develop a relationship with those deities before invoking them into your inner circle. Just a little time and effort goes a long way magically!

Attracted the wrong energy: this is why it’s so important to set up a regular magical maintenance routine for protection! Magical maintenance should be done monthly including: a full house cleansing, self cleansing, sealing of thresholds, and warding (warding can be done every 3 months). When you make magic, ritual or spells, you should cleanse before the ritual and set up some form of magical protection (shield, cast a circle, call in your guides, something!) Otherwise you run the risk of letting the wrong spirits in.

Not understanding the WHY: if you don’t understand why you’re doing something, why do it? Just because a book or someone told you to do it this way? That’s a sure-fire way to miss an important aspect of magic. Always ask why.

Stuck in a negative mindset: this seems like a difficult one to break through, but it’s actually quite simple. Change the way you think. What you think, you create and become. Recognize when you’re having a negative thought and redirect your mind to something positive. Being stuck in a negative mindset will negatively affect your magic and your life! Also, meditation, exercise, sleep, and eating well help break out of negative mindsets.

It’s just not the time: recognize it might not be the right time for you to have what you are asking for. The universe has other plans. Try again later!

[albatris]

ik this is probably an inappropriate question to ask but i deal with stpd and just recently discovered this. Previously thought it was just depression/anxiety but ive been on like 7 antidepressants/2 of which were more geared towards anxiety. I was wondering if you take any meds or have any advice you might recommend. Id really appreciate it. Im running out of ideas lol.( Sorry to bother and thank you)

nah you’re all good, I don’t have any problem with questions like this n I’m happy to share any experiences of mine that people might find useful!! though in this case idk how much help I’ll be, sorry D:

mostly about meds but my bad for goin on a whole ramble in the middle about therapy?? I talk a lot and have trouble staying on topic

'cause meds n therapy both have been useful to me but both probably would've been pretty useless without the other

under cut for personal rambles

so I was in the same boat as you for several years, I was in treatment for depression and anxiety and then borderline later on, way way way before anyone landed on schizotypal

as such I’ve been obviously dealing with stpd symptoms for basically my whole life but I only got diagnosed early last year n it’s the first time I’ve been. like. actually in any sort of therapy that addresses it properly and I’m still getting a feel for it

in terms of meds, I’ve been on a whole slew of different antidepressants, didn’t find one that worked until I was maybe 18 or 19? so I’ve been on the highest dose mirtazapine since then....... helps with that kinda baseline anxiety background hum, helps with obsessions and guilt spirals..... I didn’t think it did much for depression until I tried coming off it??

like, it gave me a slight boost in terms of energy and motivation, not a huge one, but definitely noticeable once it was gone

but yeah, it was kinda..... yeah, this med is about as helpful as I’m gonna get, so I decided to stick with it. I recently have considered coming off it ‘cause the sedation was a nightmare, but that’s on hold for the time being

I’ve been on two different antipsychotics, first quetiapine, which did absolutely nothing and was even more sedating on top of the mirtazapine, and currently I’m starting on aripiprazole. still on a super low dose, but working up to something that will hopefully ease some psychotic symptoms. side effects of insomnia and nausea but eased off mostly after the first week

but yeah, I haven’t really had much experience with antipsychotics or how helpful they are yet, atm I’m gonna wait and see whether there’s any real positive effects

but meds are super hard to give advice about, ‘cause different ones work for different folks, what works for me might not for you, what works for you might be something I tried and hated, etc etc etc, y’know

honestly the most helpful thing for me has been therapy, I’ve pretty much been in therapy since I was like 5 and I’ve done a lot of it

meds might be helpful to some people on their own but for me I think they would have been mainly useless without some form of therapy

meds kinda helped with some of the “edges” ie, the resulting depression and anxiety of the personality disorder, hopefully will help with some psychotic symptoms too, therapy has also helped with some of these issues on the edges, and I’m currently addressing some of the more specifically schizotypal core issues, although I will likely have to continue doing the work on those issues for most of my life

if you have a good doctor who listens to you, if you want to continue trying out meds then you might still find one that helps you out! I don’t really have a lot of advice here, because the effects can be so different from person to person. but I’ve found that meds only help on a really small scale, they kind of take a little bit of the weight off but it’s still a whole lot of heavy lifting on my own

so therapy was real good for some of that stuff too, skills for easing some of the load. therapy for me involved Other People, but for others it could involve other resources, such as online workbooks n that kind of thing....... ‘cause I know personally for me I fuckin HATE meeting new people and having to bare my soul for them, so therapy gets. interesting

and I know therapy is not realistic for some folks (and also not what this question was about but I’m just rambling now)

n I know especially that that shit gets fucking HARD when any sort of psychosis and paranoia is involved, in terms of stpd, I flat out refused to speak about certain symptoms with professionals due to paranoia and fear, and had a lot of issues trying to come into a therapy environment and immediately having complete strangers be like “ok tell me about what’s up”

like, no???? fuck off?? I don’t even know you??

n until recently all my therapies where only tangentially useful as a schizotypal, like, I did a bunch of social anxiety stuff which helped with some of the surface level day-to-day social anxiety (not so much the more deep-seated stpd social anxiety, that whole “it gets worse the closer you get to people” type, very fun), I did a lot of work around depression and suicidal urges and goals and meaningful living and whatnot, I did DBT which also encompassed a lot of work on interpersonal skills and handling dissociation and paranoia

n like. some of it was helpful? none of it got to the core of the issue or addressed what I really needed to address

I got super lucky with my current psychiatrist in that she was someone I already knew for around a year and a half beforehand ‘cause she helped out in my DBT group therapy. so I was able to get a feel for what kind of person she was beforehand and got to find my feet in trusting her in a more distanced context before entering one on one therapy. she also specialises in personality disorders and was the one who actually diagnosed me so it wasn’t like she was like “oh you’re definitely schizotypal, I’m gonna just pan you off to someone more experienced now” which was nice

she’s also the one who’s helping me out with meds currently

but ya, therapy can be A Lot, ‘specially for schizotypals who tend to isolate and get uncomfy in those vulnerable scenarios. in order to make the most out of it I have to practice an extremely uncomfortable sort of “radical openness” which is like..... well, I’ve spent most of my life being miserable and unhappy and feeling trapped and stuck in these patterns, and this has gotten me nowhere, in order for something to change I need to be radically open about my experiences

which gets HARD because the knee-jerk reaction to paranoia and delusions is often to pull back and isolate, and often I’ve struggled with the idea that it’s not “safe” to speak about certain things or that something bad will happen if I do

so it’s difficult, but I have to continually commit myself to being open and placing myself in intensely uncomfortable scenarios, getting used to the idea of trust being An Action, and practicing trust even when I don’t necessarily Feel It

that’s been a really helpful outlook for me and the only thing that’s kept me involved with therapy and meds and treatment. idk if it’ll be useful to others. I also know that some therapists and psychiatrists are shit and being radically open with the wrong people can be a nightmare

but it’s something that applies in my other relationships too and with my relationship to myself, so. *shrug emoji*

but yeah. that’s been what’s helpful for me

meds do a little bit of the work, but honestly I still have to pull a fuckload of the weight on my own, I kinda got to the point with meds where I was just like “ok this is obviously as good as it’s gonna get” and just stuck with it......... which is kind of a bummer of an answer

ik that kinda turned into a whole unrelated ramble in the middle there but I hope this kinda answers a bit of your question maybe or maybe not ‘cause I don’t really know what I’m doing

but also

I hope you have a nice day

[emsartwork]

Sorry if you’ve already answered this but J was wondering if you could talk more the girls childhood/growing up? Love what you’re doing btw, absolutely adore how you’ve basically recreated the Winx world! 💗

Thank you!!! and sure thing! long post ahead

BLOOM: she never really had any problems family wise, Vanessa and Mike told her she was adopted at like…. Age 7 or so (in a positive affirming way obvi) and even if any kids teased her about it she never doubted her parent’s love for her. Even with Daphne’s spell helping her blend in with earth life, Bloom still had a nagging sense she didn’t “fit”, and got lost in fantasy books and art whenever possible. Growing up she deals with some body image issues that probably stem from the whole wrong fit feeling. Bloom grew up an artistic and quiet kid, Mitzi and Selina were her best friends from childhood, and because they both had really strong personalities, Bloom often repressed her own feelings in order to play peace maker. Up until high school, where Mitzi, who was always the leader, slowly started to turn into a bully in order to gain the approval/fear of her peers, targeting Selina specifically. Bloom was more of a follower at the time and just didn’t want to loose her friends so she didn’t stand up to Mitzi but tried to treat Selina as if nothing had changed, which was not cool with Selina and she not-so-subtly started to reject Bloom as a friend. Bloom, for her part, did get her shit together and stand up to Mitzi, loosing her only other friend right before her senior year of highschool (she was still technically friends with Andy but they had also just broken up and everything was awkward lmao). Bloom regrets not standing up to Mitzi sooner, and wants to rekindle her friendship with Selina (and Mitzi if she’s willing to tone down the bitchiness).  

STELLA: So Stella’s childhood is a little more complicated. Stella is the first SoLuna heir in Solarian history, and a very loud minority protested her very existence. Stella also had to stay close to the Second Sun of Solaria as a child, so she had a very solitary and confined early childhood in a wing of the Solarian castle. When she did figure out how to sneak out she was only 10 or so, and spent most of the time just wandering around the capital city. She didn’t have any problems in the city, but an off duty guard recognized her and took her back to the palace. Stella was then sent to an elite boarding school under a false name (Sasha), she formed close friends with Nova and Varanda, but the trio was the target of the rest of the school’s bullies (for various reasons). Junior high was peak nerd Stella, but she “princess Diary-ed” herself when starting high school and started placing all of her value in her appearance and status as a sex object. Her parents’ marriage was also starting to crumble and Stella felt like she had lost their love. Because Stella craves validation and affection, this lead to a couple bad relationships because the only way she could get people to “love her” in her brain was through physical intimacy, even if it didn’t really fill the void she felt. Nova and Varanda were her rocks during this period and Stella was able to learn to love herself first with their help. Stella was insanely nervous to leave her friends and go to Alfea, and tried to force friendships with other people originally, (this mostly lead to people thinking she was annoying and getting multiple censures from Griselda), and her first genuine connection on Magix was with “Prince Sky” (Brandon). Nova and Varanda were VERY worried when Stella first told them about “Prince Sky”(Brandon) and how fast they had gotten into a relationship and they may have stalked/threatened him on a visit to Stella but they eventually came around and started to like him. Stella being expelled was only kind of an accident, Varanda texted Stella in the middle of a Chemancy class her application to Alfea for the next year had been accepted and Stella got SUPER excited and blew up the classroom. She probably could have stayed in school but her response to Fraragona and Griselda’s “now what do you have to say for yourself young lady” was *giddy laughter* and “ i only wish the explosion had been big enough to send me forward to next year!!!!!” and griselda was like “either she goes or I go” and Stella was like “ya gurl i gone” of course her time back on Solaria didn’t go exactly as planned as her parents were just fighting every time they tried to do something together making her people pleasing/self blaming tendencies worse. 

FLORA: ahhh my baby So Flora does remember her father, not a lot and she feel guilty she doesn’t remember more, but she was only 7 when he died. Alyssa remarried when Flora was 13, and eventually she adjusted to having a younger sister who she loves very much now. Due to Rhodos’s nature preservation needing a lot of room for study Flora and Miele grew up pretty far away from any town and didn’t have a lot of friends. This is primarily why Flora and Miele are so close despite their age difference, and why Flora took her role as protector so intensely; she was the only one there (I mean besides the parents obviously). Flora did well in school though she was quiet and reserved, which made making friends even harder than living in the middle of nowhere. She figured out the best way to make people like her was to give them what they wanted, and this snowballed into Flora becoming kind of doormat not comfortable with voicing her true feelings and faking a lot what people expected from her. Flora has a lot of repressed…… everything (Bloom mostly just has a lot of repressed anger she’s good with other emotions lmao) she has trouble identifying what she’s feeling and for the most part is content to leave her feelings buried as long as the surface remains calm. The Winx do help her start to access her feeling more, and encourage her whenever she does voice an opinion. Helia is a perfect match for her in the sense that his quiet nature leaves Flora to express herself without trying to mold herself into whatever she thinks he wants (of course on the flip side this also means Flora and Helia have issues with communication and repression but that’s another topic). 

AISHA: hoo boy another complicated one. Aisha was raised in a strict environment, this mostly stems from her parents and their more…. anxious natures, but royalty on Andros is not as free as some of the other planets. Aisha’s world consisted of lessons and adults and rules and she had very little control over her own life. Aisha met Anne in a rare moment of freedom in the tidal gardens where Anne’s father worked. Anne was biding her time waiting for her dad to get off work so they could grab some dinner and was dancing. Aisha just watched her for a while before Anne noticed her and asked her if she wanted to play. The two formed a fast friendship, and Aisha finally started to feel like she had some sort of influence in her own life as she snuck out of lessons to play with Anne every evening she could(obviously their favorite thing to do was dance lol) Unfortunately Anne and her father disappeared one night. Aisha lost her only friend, the only social outlet she had, her one source of freedom, and couldn’t even figure out what had happened. Feeling so out of control lead to a pretty bad anxiety disorder for most of her teens, primarily triggered by the dark or being trapped in some way. She also has issues trusting others and letting people help her. Aisha started to act out, trying to exert any kind of control and relieve some of her anxiety. Her risk taking behavior got pretty bad, but she had started to tone it down after she met and bonded with Piff(royal business trip to Magix she skipped out on). Of course when the pixies went missing she wasn’t going to let her friendship vanish again and tracked them down with a not so healthy single minded determination.

TECNA: born to higher class parents, Tecna had greatness thrust upon her from an early age. She received extra training and education basically from birth, which she was fine with for the most part. Tecna grew up being able to handle academic pressure very well and met all of her teacher’s and parent’s expectations.  She and Riven had a brief collision as preteens in a school before Riven got expelled. Tecna’s one issue was that of her emotional intelligence, Zenith doesn’t really place an emphasis on that, so she was able to advance through high school very predictably until she attended a non-Zenith based workshop for magic. She found herself socially ostracized and very very confused. Of course Tecna had never met a subject she couldn’t master and emotions wouldn’t be an exception right??? Wrong. Zenith’s information about the brain and the chemicals produced was of no help, her teachers and parents didn’t understand why Tecna suddenly had this new interest in such an illogical subject, and worst of all, Tecna realized she didn’t understand her own brain chemicals. Tecna had a mini existential crisis, realized she had no idea what she even wanted to do with her life or why it mattered and applied to the Alfea Fairy program because “FAIRY MAGIC EMOTION MAGIC HELP” also it would offer her strong emotional experiences(transformations basically require it), the opportunity to work closely in groups, and personally obverse her dorm-mates emotional states. She got way more than she bargained for but doesn’t regret it a bit.

MUSA: my angst child T-T so basically, the first half of her childhood is p good, her parents work really hard and don’t always have enough money but the family unit is pretty stable. At around 12, Musa’s mom gets sick. Nobody is too worried at first, but she never seems to get better and she takes a big turn for the worse when Musa is about 16, Matlin is finally diagnosed with Core Failure Syndrome. CFS is similar to Core Fatigue, but while Core Fatigue can be remedied fairly easily with rest and magic, CFS is virtually incurable unless it’s caught really early. The causes are still unknown, and the symptoms (fatigue, nausea, cognition issues, and muscle weakness) can be prolonged but mild until it’s too late. In the later stages (extreme fatigue, numbness in the extremities, chest pain, joint pain, memory/focus issues, inability to keep food down)  all you can do is try to make the afflicted comfortable. Ho-boe is understandably distraught, and tries to freelance write for music but goes into a pretty bad depressive state. Musa has a few odd jobs here and there, and thats mostly what’s keeping them afloat among heavy medical debt. Musa latches on to her mother for emotional support as Ho-boe is super dissociated. When Matlin does pass as Musa turns 18, Ho-boe finally breaks, and violently destroys every last reminder of Matlin because he can’t deal with the pain. Musa, who has suddenly had her one emotional anchor cut off, is super freaked out and scared by this and it really damages their relationship going forward. Musa becomes incredibly anxious, and can’t really process her mother's death because her father won’t talk about it with her and is still shut off emotionally. Moving to Magix only worsened it as Musa rebelled and went after music with a desperate passion. Applying to Alfea was a way for Musa to get out of the house, and she and her father weren’t on speaking terms when she did leave for the college. Musa had planned on learning more magic to further her career as a musician, special effects infusing magic into a song rubbing shoulders with rich and well connected people who could possibly get her connected to the big shots in music….. The winx situations had her change some of her long term plans a little, but her connection with the group + her separation anxiety and fierce loyalty didn’t really leave any other choice lol 

[twstdreams]

can I request a headcanon for kalim,vil and riddle.Where their s/o is shy, modest,socially awkward and anxious all the time.Please

Yay! My first request, I hope you like it!

Kalim Al-Asim

They’re so cute to Kalim! They’re shy and Kalim has no issues making the first move, taking the lead, and initiating things

Kalim is not shy whatsoever so hopefully, they’re not overwhelmed by his extroversion. His s/o is the opposite in terms of disposition

Even if his lover is modest, Kalim is extravagant and that includes his compliments

Will exclaim “You’re beautiful!” and “You’re an amazing person!” with no reservations in any scenario

He thinks they’re a great person, given you are his s/o, and he believes he’s a great judge of character and isn’t afraid to say it

If they’re socially awkward, Kalim has no trouble filling in the empty spaces or interjecting as need be. He is bursting with energy that he is always open to sharing

That being said with their anxiety it will be a learning process for Kalim

Kalim has absolutely no anxiety, holding lavish parties without reserve, going for his grand ideas, and Jamil can attest that these actions are thoughtless or careless at times

If they’re obviously uncomfortable or express their anxiety, Kalim will try to accommodate them but will be a bit confused

What’s there to be anxious about? Aren’t you all having fun? Dancing, singing, eating, what could be better?

But still, he knows it’s not a good party unless everyone is enjoying themselves

It will most likely be a push and pull between him and his s/o with them compromising. Kalim wants them to go out more and enjoy all life has to offer but tries to work on reeling it in and not putting his precious s/o in hard or uncomfortable situations

Vil Schoenheit

Vil hopes to coax you out of your shyness as one becomes beautiful when they are admired by others. Given he finds his s/o and himself stunning, he feels it’s only natural that others stare. He will reassure them of this.

Modesty is a good trait in Vil’s eyes. Much better than someone who looks gaudy or ugly without even realizing it.

He does think credit is good when it is due though, so he reminds you through compliments “Your outfit matches well” or “Your skin looks lovely”

Vil adores his s/o and does not think they are broken in any shape or form. But, he is really big on self-improvement, not just for his s/o but everyone

If their socially awkward disposition ends up being a disadvantage, Vil would take steps to help them. Going through hypothetical scenarios, giving advice, and so on so his s/o can be more at peace and not as anxious

It worries Vil that his lovely s/o is always anxious. Sure, everyone has moments where they are nervous like before a test or if they’re unprepared for something, but constantly? His poor darling is probably so stressed and all that cortisol cannot be good for his s/o’s skin

Riddle Rosehearts

Oh dear, at first it is a rocky relationship for the two

With Riddle threatening to decapitate someone hourly, if not more often, it’s a surprise he didn’t scare his s/o off given their anxiety

Their temperaments are quite different. Riddle is not shy. He follows all those quirky wonderland rules with pride, no matter how anyone else perceives it. If anything, he makes other people nervous, not the other way around. 

Riddle doesn’t mind their personality but it absolutely cannot interfere with following the rules

Riddle can find their shyness and modesty a bit endearing at times. He’d rather that than someone who breaks rules or is annoyingly daring

He does feel a bit touched that despite their shyness, his s/o loves him and feel more comfortable around him

His s/o being socially awkward isn’t really a problem but they must have proper greetings and follow explicit protocol

He knows what to do in most situations, Riddle does have all 810 rules memorized, and has no problem taking the lead given his position as a dorm leader

Riddle is often surrounded by anxious people considering he is the source of anxiety, so his s/o being anxious isn’t something he is unused to

He’s a bit baffled that it’s all the time though. His darling even followed all the rules, what’s there to be anxious about? Trust him, they would know immediately if they weren’t

[infinitecapacities]

Goals

Mental

1. To stop comparing myself to others. I can feel confident pretty easily by dressing up, putting on some makeup, and doing my hair nice. But what instantly seems to ruin it is my mind looking at other people and wishing I had what they have. I know that others beauty should not take away from my own, but yet I cannot help but diminish myself and sometimes start to feel insecure in the presence of others. This is something I need to work on mentally, I have to realize that no physical attribute that I achieve will conquer this. There will always be someone who WE perceive as better. However, there is only one me, and I am special in many ways. I do not need to try and be like anyone else. I need to be at peace with myself and fully accept that no matter how I look in comparison of others I am good enough.

2. Presence. This is something that I have gotten much better at. Fully focusing on the moment and what I am doing when I am doing it. With social media there are constant ways to distract yourself. One thing that I was doing unconsciously for a while was being on my phone any time I ate a meal. Before I even realized it, I was done with my meal and I had barely enjoyed it. Consequently, I craved more food, never really feeling satisfied. Now I am very aware of when I do this and always focus back to really enjoying my food and being thankful for how it is nourishing me. I have found that I am always satisfied after eating when I put my full presence into the act of consuming and enjoying my food. This goes with anything I do now, working out, doing homework, making my bed, getting dressed; anytime I do something with presence it turns out infinitely times better than if I did it while my mind wandered. I want to be free from anxiety always, to always do things with focus and intention. I want to really utilize my time and feel accomplished each day. I want to be organized and clean. I want to enjoy every second of the day.

3. Trust. Now this is a heavy one that I really need to work on more. There are a lot of parts of me that I still have not healed. I fully recognize that I not only have a hard time trusting other people, but I also have a hard time trusting myself. I constantly doubt everything. Whether it is right or wrong, whether I should do this or that, whether it is good or bad, I do not believe in it or even my own intuition. I find myself never really believing what anyone says, and at the same time easily lying to people. What I need to do is open my heart, be vulnerable, and live my truth even if I will feel uncomfortable or judged. To just set myself free from the fear. I have to let down my walls and let down my guard and trust that what is meant for me will simply be and I do not need to try to control things all of the time. I want to be able to love easily, to give to people with no expectations. I want to radiate sweetness and tenderness. I want to be able to express myself without holding back. I want to open up to the people in my life even if they will not understand.

Physical

1. Skin. Now this has been an issue for way too long. I am so proud of how far I have come. I have accepted this part of myself more than ever before, although it is my biggest insecurity still. More than anything, I really just want to make sure that everything that I am eating, drinking, and everything that I am applying to my skin is good for it. I want to be glowing from the inside out. I want people to compliment me on the work that I put in to get it to the smoothest clearest texture. I want to feel confident without makeup on. I want to be able to look people in the eye when they stare at me. I want to feel confident when they look at my side profile. I want to not have to hide behind my hair or makeup all the time. I want my skin to feel clean and calm and hydrated all the time.

2. Body. The main thing about my body I have been wanting to change is my weight. This first came about when I weighed myself and saw that I had gained 15+ pounds than the last time I was weighed. I had also noticed that I needed to get bigger sizes. It really hit me when I started looking back at past photos and thinking about how much skinnier I was before. I recognize now how in the past, I did things to my body for others not myself, and this is what started problems. I started going to the gym for my ex-boyfriend, not for myself. He said that I should so I started feeling insecure, and going to the gym often just made me more insecure because I felt like I was not doing enough. I just kind of did it just because I thought it would make him and other people like me more. Then quarantine hit just after my consistency at the gym started picking up, and then because my skin was at its worst, I forced myself to work out more because I felt that my body was the only beautiful thing about me left. Still, instead of feeling better it just made me critique my body more. Going to college after is really changed my body the most. Since high school I have always just eaten when I was hungry. Besides being pescatarian I never limited my diet based on insecurity. I naturally did not often over eat or under eat and I did not force myself to work out at the gym either. At that time I was always happy with my body. So when college came around and I had the unlimited meal plan, I had other people responsible for what I ate and when I ate, and I tried to get as much food as I could when they were serving. Combined with excessive drinking, I ate more and rarely felt satisfied. Food was accessible to me and I took advantage of it without really appreciating it. I was often sick. I also went a period where I could barely eat due to depression. I had panic attacks. I was living with a model who always looked perfect and so I hid my body more. So long story short I have been critiquing my body so much ever since the weight gain. Over the summer I tried different things and drastically limited my diet but I did not see much of a difference. I now know what I need to do. I just need to simply eat what my body craves and drink lots of water. Simply nourish my body with nutrient dense, fulfilling meals that make me FEEL GOOD. I love eating fruits and vegetables and so I will. I have felt so much more confident and less harsh on myself because my goal is not to be skinny or even lose weight it is to just be healthy. I am much more intentional about what I put into my body and I enjoy planning my meals and cooking them. I want to be able to know that I have to wear a swim suit and not have the urge to starve myself. I want to love my body. I want to feel energized, radiant, confident, beautiful, sexy, and most of all healthy. 

Spiritual 

1. Connect more with God/spirit. Lately I have been studying a variety of different philosophies and religions. The ones that resonate with me the most have been Buddhism and Hinduism but I believe every religion has validity that is meaningful. Do I know if there is a God? Yes and no. It is kind of hard for me to understand why things are the way they are, why God did all this. And so I question if there really is one and what he represents and how I am supposed to connect with him. At the same time, there is so much evidence in my own life that I am being guided and protected by something divine. I am so thankful my mom taught me very young to form a relationship to spirituality. She told me and my sister to pick something symbolic of our angels watching out for us, for her it was a white feather. I had a few different symbols but none were very convincing. I eventually decided on dragonflies, because I thought they were beautiful creatures and I was fascinated by them, and they are something you do not often see. Since making this decision, I have seen dragonflies every time I need a sign when I am most down or scared or confused. There is divine powers that are helping me navigate life, and I want to become more in touch with them and listen to their wisdom. This includes meditating, praying, reading, and journaling, because we can gain a lot of wisdom from within and from others stories as well, and our thoughts contribute so much to influencing the energetic field of the entire world. I want to feel good about my way of life. I want to learn more about spirituality and how it can better the world. I want to trust that there is more than meets the eye and have inner peace that there is a divine plan in everything. 

2. Do shadow work.

[rixxy8173571m3w1p3]

The Remembrance Of A Kiss

I was feeling nostalgic for a fic which I wrote almost three years ago called Zeta-7 and The Kiss; it was written back when I first started writing Rnm fics. While, I don't write how I used to, I am fond of it. So, here's this finished wip. I think I'm running on nostalgia these days, for things are changing faster then I can keep up with. Anyway, I hope you guys like it. It's guaranteed to be fluffy :3

In this fic the reader thinks about a past momentous moment.

_____________________

The trouble and light anxiety you had felt about the occasion had been insignificant compared to his. Back then you had been searching for an answer or rather a solution to a predicament; the problem at the time being that you weren't sure how to broach the subject of a certain display of affection. It was neither a lack or an abundance of affection, and it seems silly now when you thought of it, which was often, but when and where had your inclination to kiss him first begin? It might have always been there, but that statement in itself seemed like a lie, for you didn't want to kiss him when you initially met him, but he had been influential; recognizing you from another time, another life, but that wasn't what you came here to talk about. No, you wanted to think of that fateful day.

That day he had been in his usual delightful mood, the kind that came about because he got to see you and was genuinely having a good day; although, with him, he tended to find good in every day and as expected he was deliciously cheerful and had a smile which could last for days upon his thin lips. Oh, how you had loved that smile for it followed you everywhere, even when you couldn't seem him; that haircut which had been copied from an old clothing catalog advertisement and moved about when he spoke; buck teeth which dentists could only dream to keep as trophies, and the hint of lip bite when he'd finished talking; it was part of the draw. You fought, swallowed, and bided your time as you thought of the ways in which you could show him you loved him. For you, there was a momentum, a force which couldn't have been stopped; beginning with his hellos, and would build as you continued to be so affected and had been desperate to satisfy the longing and affection which pulled and drowned your senses whenever he was near; it made you reason that it was the right thing to do; to express and ask if it was alright to move forward; it was and he agreed, but he never quite recovered from being kissed. 

No, you didn't mean all the kisses which occurred after and had taken place up to the present per se, but from the first one you had given him around the start of your relationship; having made such an impression, it was as though you had branded his heart and soul; that a string was tied to one of your ribs and to one of his ventricles which kept him alive only by his sheer will to withstand the forces and madness that threatened to tear him apart daily; he could never recover. You would say that he grew a little more mature that day; in mind, spirit, but not in age. To be sure, things had been so different then; Rick had been so shy when it came to romantic sensibilities, naive to others advances or otherwise natural attraction to him, believing he was unworthy of such while you had so much to learn about the mysteries of men; neither knew what the other had been going through. You hadn't known about his otherworldly adventures yet, his loneliness, or uniqueness, and he knew almost everything except your personality quirks, but as to how he knew was a different story.

Still, that was then, back when there was so much yet to be known, and you thought him to be human. You remembered how for days, he walked as though in a daze, bumping into things and hardly able to look you in the eyes without being lovestruck and tongue-tied; you were sure to watch after him to make sure you hadn't given him a stroke and assured him that he shouldn't deny his worth. Why it seemed even now he could barely function without being a little goofy after a kiss, but it was endearing; you hadn't known then about how he had been starved for affection due to lack of family and circumstances. Yet, if you had any doubts, they certainly were lessened by his attentiveness and wanting to please.

You were sure others might've tired of this behavior long ago, and you had your days in when you thought you weren't capable of managing it all, but for every time you came crashing down, he was there to help you even when you didn't want him to; for every tear and moment of grief, there was his affection which he returns out of love, gratitude, and fear all at once. Oh, if you knew then what you knew now, you would've confessed earlier; let him know how much you had cared, and tried harder to be a better friend. Still, you were making it up to him and doubted you'd ever finish making it up to him. And because he was forever grateful and happy when you kissed him, you decided to ask him one day what it was that he found so dazzling about it and to your shock, his answer endeared him to you all the more. "It's like saying h-hello." he answered matter of factly.

"Really? In what way?" 

"Gosh," he wondered, scratching the back of his neck. "it's uh - it's like touching hands, but instead of the formality of a-a handshake, you touch lips to greet and exchange not only DNA but affection. Culture or whoever happens to partake in this ritual may affect its meaning, but in such an awe-inspiring way I believe it's a reminder of trust and union; albeit more intimate."

Was that how he had felt back then? Had it been a social experiment or a daydream that had come into fruition? Perhaps neither. Maybe, he was concerned that you'd be disappointed if that so-called spark wasn't there, but the good thing was you relied more on just sparks. "So, what you mean to say is that in a sense those who kiss are bonded?"

"I th-think so."

And you believed him, for when it came to such matters, he was sincere. Why it must've hit him harder than it ever will with you, but you blamed being a creature of natural circumstance for that; your childhood and life had been happy and general for the most part, while his had more loops in it then the Whirly Dirly. Thinking of it now, the consequence of your affection was that he took to you so strongly, you were sure that if something happened to you, it might kill him; the thought being burdensome in its own right.

You had never thought of pairing the word passionate with him, but his sensibilities to and of the world in which he existed in as well as to interactions with the beings in it made you wonder if there was anything or anyone he could truly hate; himself perhaps for that was who he was most affected by. 

"Rick," you started, pushing away the unsettling thoughts as you set down the book you had been reading. "I think that's sweet. You certainly have a knack for seeing the poetic nature behind the reality, but what are your thoughts on the people who kiss for fun?"

He ruminated for a moment. It might've occurred to him that people didn't always kiss with the intention of forming serious relationships, but he would be sure to make a note of finding out later. "Gosh, I'm sure there are some benefits t-t-to it, though I haven't done much research on the matter."

Who knew where one would begin on such a subject. There were books on both physiology and psychology, but did any of them go into the happenstance of a kiss? You hadn't thought of checking, but knowing the intelligent man that he was, perhaps he had looked into it. "Research huh? Dear," you explained, "people don't just research kisses as though they are studies or hypothesized."

"Th-they don't?"

"At least not that I know of. I mean, people simply see and do. Don't they? Is there more?"

"Y-yes and no. It depends on the species."

"Hmm, I guess it does."

Again, you wouldn't know. There must've been planets, realities, and universes whose signs of affection transcended that of action, but while it was a fascinating thought, you were glad that in your reality that wasn't the case in its entirety. Searching his face, you found that his brow was scrunched up together, wondering if there was more to it. You had thought the question innocent enough, he, on the other hand, wouldn't be satisfied until he found the truth behind your inquiry. Not being one to try to disappoint him, you turned towards him and nodded. "However, I have my own answer. If you come closer I can show you what I mean."

Removing his glasses, he scooted closer; curious to see if the answer was somehow in your pocket or hiding on his face. The trust which allowed him to focus on you with conviction as you approached him was palpable. Lightly, you brushed back his bangs and passed your fingers lightly over his frown lines. Silly man, he thought too much for his own good, but if he had been unsure earlier, then the blush which dusted his ears and cheeks said otherwise. Stretching up, you pressed a light kiss on his forehead; not unlike the ones he'd give you when he thought you were asleep. And you smiled at him from the bottom of your heart. In turn, he chuckled in happy amusement; boyish in the way his eyes glimmered as though he had gotten a new toy. "Gee, that was - that was swell, but I-I don't understand. Wh-what was that for?"

"I see you and I must kiss you. It's practically the law." you giggled before repeating the action.

"Are y-y-you sure?" he wondered, tucking a lock of your hair behind your ear. 

Pulling back a little, you nodded. "I'm positive. Especially since it's what you deserve."

The light chuckle which escaped him only fed your joy as you peppered him with kisses. And before you could see it, you felt him smiling and glowing with happiness as his goofy grin returned with a vengeance. 

"Gosh," he sighed with contentment, "I-I learn something new everyday."

"I bet you do, but really a kiss is nothing to think too hard about."

"I-I know."

"If anything, I think it's based on a feeling. For example," you paused to give yourself a moment to gather your thoughts together. "the reason I kiss you is the same reason I've always had and it's because I care about you. In my own way, it's like I'm saying, 'Hello, I missed you, come here, I love you. Oh, I love you so very much. Thank you, for simply existing and being here with me.' Maybe we both have the same reason as to why words sometimes aren't enough, and while a kiss is simple, it's not always so easy to execute, but nothing is wrong with that. It's all done in its own time. In its own way. I am happy you let me kiss you way back when, because I adored you so much that it hurt. I still adore you, and you'll always be precious to me."

Glancing at you in wonderment, he played with his fingers then searched your face again. In his soul, he knew you weren't lying, but since you've first known him, he always seemed to be searching, as well as fighting his self-condemning mind and heart especially having been injured so many times. As though you had a world of answers for some of his simple questions that he would've otherwise been too embarrassed to ask, he'd open his mouth just to close it again. You had assured him on multiple occasions that he could ask you anything, but his bashful nature gave allowances for this; endearing in its own right. Once he seemed satisfied, he took out his notepad and wrote down some notes; if you didn't know any better, you'd think he was writing a thesis by the way the words slanted and blended into one another as he concentrated on the details, all the while sporting that lovestruck grin. "What are you writing dear? Is it a love letter? Is it about the trees, or bees, or whatever goes about in that wonderful head of yours?"

"I'm updating my notes."

This much you knew. "But on what? Not on kissing, right? That would be something." you teased.

"N-n-no," he answered softly, "but on you."

"Is that right? Is there any particular reason?" 

"Mhm," he nodded. "so I won't forget."

What a silly man he was, you thought. "It's ok to forget things, but I'm sure you won't. Besides, who forgets the first person they kiss?"

"N-not me."

"Of course not, especially with all the reminders that come after. I doubt I will, but reminders are appreciated. I wouldn't want to forget how happy you make me."

Slowing down his note-taking, he mentioned. "I like reminders too."

Of course he did. From years of journal keeping to the multiple watches and small computers that were scattered about the house, for there was so much going on in his head he needed help keeping his train of thought straight. It was just another way of saying in so many words, how much he loved you. "So do I. And trust me, I'll be sure to remind you a lot. As much as you need, and as often as I can. Hopefully," you winked at him. "I'll be reminded soon."

Giving your hand a squeeze, he softened. "I um - I don't mind reminding you. I-I really like reminders."

"I know, but do you like them more than adventures, or as far as that ship in the garage will take you?" you teased.

Replacing the notepad in his pocket, he nodded. "As far as 238,855 miles w-will take me."

Miles or kilometers were but measurements and distance, but that distance you were sure was not on Earth. "Do you mean to the moon?"

Pressing a light kiss to your temple, he answered. "Por supuesto, y-y más allá de eso. Please, don't forget"

Forget? Why would you forget? If there was a prelude, it was the flutter and happy giddiness which occurred when you caught him off guard, but to whatever came after, it was effervescent, sweet, and addictive. And while it could be said about a lot of things, he was far more complex. You see, you never recovered from being kissed, because you were enticed by his charm, and won by his goodness, but a kiss sealed the deal; for now and forever you belonged to him and you weren't going to let him forget it. Cupping his cheek, you replied. "I won't and I never will Ricky. You can bet on that," as you leaned forward, you whispered. "and seal it with a kiss."

Fin

[dropintomanga]

Some Thoughts on Fan Drama

About a decade ago, when I cosplayed for the first time, I remember staying up late at an anime convention due to a friend attending a cosplay masquerade. It was cool at first, but then I heard rumblings about  judges giving preferential treatment to certain contestants. There was kind of a bad vibe after the event as I talked to some of the attendees and confirmed things seemed off. That was my first instance of “cosplay drama” as I heard there were some arguments between notable members of the cosplay scene that infiltrated the masquerade.

On that note, I want to talk about drama and perhaps how to handle it responsibly due to how quickly things spread.

I’ve been thinking about drama after listening to a couple of mental health advocates discuss dating someone with bipolar disorder. They received a letter from a woman who said her boyfriend has it and he doesn’t seem to want to take initiative in managing the symptoms. One of them said it’s not the greatest of ideas despite their past experience of dating a person with bipolar disorder. There has to be a lot of careful thought put into the relationship. While it’s fair to note that someone with mental illness can’t control their illness, they still need to responsible about how to live with their condition. 

The advocate then talked about the “exciting” drama of being a caretaker - they said how addicting it is to help someone in need. Every day feels exciting. That kind of relationship never gets dull due to all the variables that make someone with a health condition the way they are. There’s a perception that you’re doing something important for someone, but it comes out to be nothing more than enabling someone to take advantage of you if the relationship is one-sided.

I want to focus on the “addicting” part because it literally feels good to be a part of something grand. It happens to all of us. We want to feel like we’re doing something meaningful in our lives. Boredom is the equivalent of suffering. 

There was section about fandom drama in the 2020 anime survey I linked to a while back and users got to choose whether to agree or disagree on certain statements regarding the usage of drama. Drama in fandom is often very divisive and we’ve seen the effects of it to a heavy degree. Yet drama (usually in the form of gossip) can be helpful in finding out threats in communities. There has been research on how talking about certain individuals prepares us on how to handle them. I do think a problem right now is the scale of the communities we have today compared to in the past. Groups can get pretty complex the bigger they become. 

I’ve been thinking about who benefits from whatever drama comes out and when is it necessary. I feel like drama can’t be totally one-sided. I would also argue that the internet may not always be the best solution to handle drama because while it “feels good” to be heard, all it seems to do is reinforce your opinions about what you already believe in and sometimes, that’s not helpful when we’re not always right about certain things. 

Yet given how certain institutions fail us (disclaimer: I was a victim of workplace harassment at an old job & my employer at the time disregarded my situation like it was nothing), if you’re going to say something that’s bound to be divisive to a good amount of people, you need a solid support system to back you up and maybe more importantly, it’s best to fight for yourself and other people who have been affected just like you. Make sure everyone gets the wealth (not just you).

I do notice that people who seek drama arguably have issues dealing with neglect growing up. The basic need for attention never gets addressed early on and by the time when someone become an adult, it may be too late. You know, I think about the anime community in general. For the most part, it’s mostly young adults that have been neglected for the wrong reasons. I was once a part of that demographic and I felt that neglect always meant I wasn’t loved. It took me many, many years that this wasn’t true. Boundaries are absolutely important in keeping yourself and other people sane.

I’m actually a pretty boring person now compared to how I was a few years ago. When I was going through some rough times, I tried to inject some drama into my life via Twitter because I wanted someone to take pity on me without putting in work. Now I don’t go on social media as much and decided to take pleasure in my own hobbies with little-to-no outside noise. I rarely jump into conversations about what’s hot in anime. I seem to relish the monotony of my life.

I honestly think open conversations between individuals affected by drama without heavy public influence are the best way to handle it. I wish more of that was encouraged. That’s due to the fact that we do need some kind of drama (i.e. conflict) to grow as people. People who grow in ways that help themselves and others tend to have gone through conflicts that challenged their way of thinking. Of course, if someone’s always chasing conflict, I’m not sure if I can be around them. 

That reminds me of something that I feel is a big problem that causes a lot of psychological distress - chasing status. It’s all about getting love from other people that don’t know the real “you” while not being able to accept your own feelings when cognitive dissonance hits. Emotions and narratives (which status greatly affect) bring people together. While I support expressing your emotions in times of distress, they can be our own worst enemies when you have to make tough decisions in life. People talk about listening to your heart and gut, but the head is still a part of your body. 

I’ll use myself as an example - I once thought about opening a business to help anime fans, but then I realized that my motivation was due to a desire to get back at someone. If I can show them up with my achievement, I would feel better about myself. I only came to that conclusion when I was starting to get frustrated with the process of making a business plan with little-to-no idea on how to get things done. “Listening to your heart” can be frightening advice because it can encourage people to get caught up in situations that end up ruining lives. Plus emotions do not work well under pressure (note: this is one way depression and anxiety can get you). There’s not enough emphasis on learning how to take calculated risks in life that involve listening to all parts of yourself and not hurt everyone in the process.

Maybe that will prevent drama from becoming “addicting” to many. Learning to walk away isn’t shameful; it’s actually kind of courageous. There’s better individuals that you can be around and better battles to choose from. 

Plus I think living a life not striving for constant attention is a life worth living. That’s a better and more suitable story for all of us than a drama-filled narrative, wouldn’t you say?

[randomnotesofmyown]

Psycho-Pass (20)

Episode 20 - Where Justice lies

Tsunemori at the outside of the core of the Sibyl system. The wall plates slided to create an entrance and the system tole the agent to get in. "Why on earth are you talking to me?" "What you're about to see is the brain of this world as well as its heart.

Makishima paid a visit to professor Kudama and appeared to have already obtained the information about hyper oats. "The food we eat every day is all thanks to this remarkable technology, and yet, so many citizens are unaware of it." Kudama, "Indeed. These days, the world is full of people who treat the blessings of science as things they are entitled to. It's really rare to see a young person like you who takes an interest in this." "It's quite regrettable to see you, who was at the forefront of establishing today's food situation in Japan, retired and ignored like this." Makishima got on his feet, walked to the book shelves and continued, "What I'm interested in is the Uka-no-Mitama defense virus's slipshod security system. Even if it's a good virus, if you are able to change the target as you please depending on how you configure the sequencer, it's possible to adjust it so that it can kill the oats themselves instead of pests. Uka-no-Mitama will quickly change form a god of fertility who brings good harvest to a devil who brings death." "What are you..." "On top of that, they converted a lab in a closed down university to the control center that takes care of adjustment and distribution of the virus. The facility predates the use of cymatic scans for security. "

"Its security system uses numeric passwords or, at best, biometric scans. Then, since you used to be in charge there, with your help..."

By the time Kogami arrived, the professor was already dead.

Tsunemori, standing in front of the core of the Sibyl system, shocked by what the system told her. 

"Did Kagari die here? Die you guys kill him?" She asked. "We compared and considered the contribution Kagari Shusei would make to society throughout his life against the risk of him revealing the secret of the Sibyl system and decided that the latter issue was more important." Shaking with anger, Tsunemori exploded, "don't be ridiculous! 'More important,' you said?!"   

"You are right. The appearance of criminally asymptomatic people, whom the Sibyl system cannot analyze, is inevitable. No matter how detailed and robust a system you build, a certain number of irregularities that deviate from it are certain to appear." "And you call that a perfect system?! To think that something like this is deciding the lives and death of people..." "But if we just improve the system and make it more complex, we can never expect it to be perfect. Then we have no choice but to resolve the contradictions by altering the way in which we operate the system, rather than its functions. By permitting the appearance of irregularities we cannot manage and taking measures to coexist, the system achieves perfection in a practical sense." "What do you mean by that?" "We can entrust the management of the system to those who deviate from the system. That is the most logical conclusion. When we used to have individual personalities and bodies, we were all criminally asymptomatic persons, who deviated from the management of the Sibyl system. There are even many among us who acted far more cruelly than Makishima." "Then are you saying..."

"...and that this monster has been running the world?!" "By first rejecting relative valuations such as good or evil, an absolute system can be established. What is needed is a perfect and infallible system. Who manages it and how it is managed are irrelevant." "That's nonsense!" "In a truly completed system, its operator's will is not questioned. Our will itself is the system and the universal standard of value that transcends ethics." "Don't be ridiculous! Just who do you think you are?!" "It is true that every one of us here used to have many problems with our personalities. However, we harmonize through the acts of integrating everyone's minds, and so we have been able to achieve the goal of a universal standard. The more prejudiced and peculiar the orientation of the individuals who comprise the system, the more new ideas and values it brings to our perception and the more flexible and diversified our thinking becomes. In that regard, Makishima Shogo's idiosyncrasy is quite valuable and so, we have high hopes that he can become an especially useful member. Attaining a logical society in which various contradictions and inequalities are resolved... That is, indeed, the ultimate happiness sought by the rational human mind. By achieving an absolutely perfect system, Sibyl has become an existence that embodies that ideal." "Why are you telling me about this?" "You instinctively hate and emotionally detest us right now. And yet, you still cannot deny the Sibyl system's significance and necessity. You accept the fact that the current social order cannot hold without Sibyl. You place the importance on its necessity rather than its justifiability. We highly value your standards." "You killed Kagari in order to keep your secrets!" "Tsunemori Akane possesses a sense of purpose that is shared by the Sibyl system. Hence, we decided that the possibility that you'd reveal our secrets and endanger the system is infinitely small."

"Let us confirm once again. Tsunemori Akane, do you wish a world without the Sibyl system? Right, you try to nod but then become hesitant. The ideal you imagine isn't clear and firm enough to deny the social order achieved at this point. You recognize that the current peaceful society and harmony achieved through the happiness of citizens and order are more important than anything else. Hence, no matter how much you hate and deny the Sibyl system, which is the foundation of those things, you cannot reject it." "Don't talk like you know everything." "If we analyze your reaction read by the cymatic scan, we can clearly grasp everything. Stop acting brave and let us have a heart-to-heart discussion. The goal of this meeting is to establish a collaborative relationship." "Collaborative?" "CID division 1 is currently in a crisis situation. Due to Kogami Shinya's recklessness and Ginoza Nobuchika being drained, the team is starting to show signs of dysfunction. Unless a new leader takes the initiative in the investigation, we cannot expect success in tracking down Makishima Shogo." "Mr. Ginoza is...drained?" "Tsunemori Akane, because you were caught in an unnecessary inner conflict, you have not been able to exhibit your potential capacities, either. The lack of understanding of the situation has been clouding your decision."

"We decided that telling you the truth is the best way to give you motivation. Tsunemori Akane..."

"You and we share the same value of trying to avoid a pointless death caused by unchecked emotions."

"If you guys broke the law in the past, you should atone for your crimes in a befitting way." "Our contributions to society are more than enough compensation for the damages we caused in the past."   "How convenient, huh?"

Flashbacks:

"If we were living in the days before Sibyl's diagnosis, our happiness would've been up to luck. So this is a lot better than the old days." "I envy you. You're likely to end up with multiple aptitudes, Kaori." 

"700 points. I can't believe it."

"With your score and Psycho-Pass, Akane, you've got a rosy life." Yuki, "Whoa...My rank is C...I knew it but I'm still shocked." Kaori, "Mine are all office jobs. It would be tough to improve my job situation from there." Yuki, "hey, hey, how was yours, Akane?"

Kaori, "This score really is amazing. You have the aptitude even for the PSB!" Tsunemori, "B-but, if they recommend any place and every place, I don't know which one's good for me after all. I wonder how I can decide..." Voice of Kagari, "I don't know. What makes you think that someone like me would know? You could become anything. You even agonized over it, right? That's incredible. You're just like those old people before Sibyl was created." Tsunemori, "yeah, it's incredible, isn't it? Everyone used to feel their way around and chose their own life...To think that a world in which such things were just natural existed..."

Kagari, "nowadays, the Sibyl system reads your talent and tells you the way of living that will bring you the most happiness. And yet, you're talking about your life? The reason you were born? I never even thought there were people who stressed over things like that!" "Yeah, it's a heavy, tough anxiety. But...now I feel...that it might actually be a happy thing to be able to worry about those things." It changed into an imaginary dialog when the voice of Makishima came.

"So I've asked many people about their suppressed free will and observed their actions all this time." Tsunemori, "right, now I might be able to understand how you feel a little." Makishima, "How do you define crime to start with? That dominator you're holding...does the Sibyl system that governs that gun decide it?"

Tsunemori, "that's wrong, isn't it? That was the mistake in the first place." Makishima, "by analyzing a bio-organism's force field read by a cymatic scan, they figure out how a person's mind works. The intelligence of science finally uncovered the secret of souls, and this society changed drastically. However, people's wills are not a part of that assessment. I wonder just what sort of criteria you use to divide people into good and evil." Tsunemori, "I'm sure the important thing wasn't the conclusion of good or evil. I feel it was to think about it yourself, agonize over it and accept it." Makishima, "I want to see the splendor of people's souls. I want to check and see if it really is precious. However, when humans base their lives around Sibyl Oracle, without ever consulting their own wills, do they really hold any value?" Tsunemori, "There's no way they don't! Are you saying that <i>you</i> decide their value? You judge someone's family, their friends?! You judge the value of a happiness you've never felt?!" Switched to Yuki.

"Someone else always took care of things for me and I never ever asked myself what was important. Say, Akane, do you think I was still happy that way?" Tsunemori replied sadly, "You could have become happy. You could have searched for the answer anytime...As long as people are alive, anyone can do it."

End of flashbacks and imaginary dialogs.

In her car, Tsunemori got a call from Ginoza, who asked her where she wandered off to. "The chief ordered me to deliver something to the Ministry of Welfare." "There was a murder in Ichikawa. Kogami's prints have been found at the site. Come here immediately. "

On her way to the crime scene, Tsunemori told the Sibyl system that she would do what it asked her to on one condition. "If I bring in Makashima Shogo alive, in return, you will guarantee Kogami Shinya's life as well. Withdraw his execution order." The Sibyl system replied, "those two things are not logically equivalent." "I don't care about your logic. If Mr. Kogami won't be saved, then I'll let Makishima die without doing anything. If push comes to shove, I'll kill him with my own hands."

"And go find another pawn you think you can use." "Understood. Only once Makishima Shogo is captured alive will we make an exception for Kogami Shinya."

Tsunemori got to the crime scene and learned from Masaoka that residents reported seeing someone with that helmet. The agents found, after asking around, the only house which security was busted and inside it was a dead person.

Kunizuka, "The victim is Kudama Nobuaki. He used to work for a lab belonging to the Ministry of Agriculture and Forestry, but he retired quite a long time ago and was now just an ordinary pensioner."

Ginoza, "the house appears to have been searched and we found Kogami's fingerprints. But why on earth..."

Tsunemori, "this wound on his neck...it might be Makishima Shogo who did it. This old man had something to do with Makishima's next plan. Mr. Kogami figured it out and rushed here, but he was too late..." Ginoza, "So Kogami really is ahead of us, huh?' Masaoka, "even so, why on earth was this old man killed by Makishima? It's hard to investigate a site that's been thoroughly messed up like this."

Tsunemori, "What would Mr. Kogami consider the most undesirable result?" Kunizuka, "letting Makishima get away, right?" Tsunemori, "then when would his second most undesirable result be?" Masaoka, "being found by us before he kills Makishima...perhaps." Tsunemori, "Yes. Let's think about things in that order. What if Mr. Kogami, who got here before us, had hidden the body somewhere hard to be found? While Kudama Nobuaki remained missing...we would have continued pursuing a misdirected investigation and Mr. Kogami would have had a larger lead." Ginoza watched as Tsunemori made the deduction and saw Kogami instead.

"Mr. Kogami isn't the overconfident type. In case he fails by some chance, I think he would at least leave a clue so that someone can stop Makishima. The question is, when will we notice that clue...He's testing us...to see if we have the same or an even bigger tenacity than his to pursue Makishima...If you don't have that determination, you'll be stranded here and get a late start." Then...

"Can you find something?" Drone, "Something metal is detected inside the victim's airway." Tsunemori, "give me gloves." Masaoka, "h-hey, leave it to the forensics." Tsunemori, "that will allow Mr. Kogami to buy some time. If we want to catch up with him, we have to do it right here, right now." She retrieved the object from the victim's throat.

Tsunemori placed the device above her wrist communicator and saw that it contained an audio file.

"This is Kogami, a former Enforcer. This message is left for the detectives who'll be here in a while. The victim is Kudama Nobuaki, a former Doctor of Agriculture. He was in charge of a development team for the Uka-no-Mitama virus, a disease countermeasure for hyper-oats. He was considered to be the biggest contributor to Japan's achievement of complete food self-sufficiency. In order to totally destroy the granary in Hokuriku, Makishima got some idea from Professor Kudama and killed him. He gouged out the eyeballs from the body and cut all the fingers at their second joints. They may be needed to break through some form of security. A facility from the old days where the security equipment depended on the old type biometric scans instead of cymatic scans...The lab Kudama's research team was using at Izumo university is suspicious. The lab is currently used as the control center for the Uka-no-Mitama virus."

Ginoza, "totally destroying a granary...bio-terrorism committed by a single person?!" Tsunemori, "Let's hurry. We should still be able to make it in time." Makishima made his way into Kudama Lab at Izumo University. Kogami arrived and was about to find a way in. 

End of episode 20

Comment: The flashback scene made me wonder one thing. People looked to Sibyl for job recommendations. For people who the system could not analyze, like Makishima, did they get such recommendations? If they didn't, how did they find jobs? And the moment Tsunemori pointed that dominator at her chest got me. If the system refused, if it really went ahead and killed her and looked for another pawn. She would really have died and it would be for nothing. But her determination, and her gamble paid off.

Extra thought added on Nov 12. I came to see the logic why former criminals were chosen to become part of the Sibyl system. To judge the possibilities of anyone who would commit a crime, you need people who understand how criminals would think and act, or what would go on inside their head. In this sense, no one knows criminals better than former criminals.

[darknessisafriend]

Can you do something for Joe please? Something fluffy because he👏needs👏some 👏love👏. I love you blog btw

Fluff is coming !! Yeah I wanna hug this teddy bear so bad

Make you smile

You had met Joe a few months ago, you had moved in the flat next to his house, and for some reason electricity wasn’t working, so you knocked at his door to ask for a candle and maybe warm up your food in the microwave. Joe had been quite cold at first, very suspicious for a reason you couldn’t explain; thankfully his mom had stepped in and invited you in. As you started to talk, Joe must have felt you were no threat and he seemed to relax a bit, but he never left his mother’s side.  Still he didn’t talk much, to your regrets, you found him quite handsome, he was quite well built, you found yourself thinking about how nice it was to be in his arms, he had a man bun and you just wanted to let his hair loose, bury your fingers in them; and those eyes, their color was mesmerizing and they bared a deep pain, you wanted to change that.

After eating your plate you had returned to your place, as you were about to enter, you heard his voice call you, Joe asking if he could take a look, maybe he could solve the problem; you had gladly accepted and spent a few hours more with him until he managed to fix the problem, however he had refused any kind of thanks from you and had left.

You never tried to talk to him again, even though you had run into him a few times afterwards, it really made you sad not to be able to get to know him but he always seemed so distant and kinda bothered by your presence, so you left him be, maybe he had social anxiety or issues to develop relationship with other people.

But this all changed, one day when he wasn’t home, and his mom had escaped to end up on the road. Thankfully, you were home this day and had noticed her, and kept her with you all day waiting for Joe to come and open the now locked door. You had never seen him so terrified before and he had been so thankful that you had saved his mom.

After this event, your relationship with Joe drastically changed, he trusted you, enough to give a spare key and let you check on his mother when he wasn’t there. When he had finally gotten used to your presence in his house, you often stayed after his mom went to bed, talking with him, or watching a movie; until one day you just couldn’t resist and kiss him, he had frozen, not sure of what you just did. And he was not down for it at first, he had told you, that you didn’t know him, that he’s fucked up, but you were ready to give him all the time he needs. Of course it was a bit awkward afterwards.

But after a couple of weeks, he couldn’t resist anymore, with difficulty he had told you about his childhood, the PTSD from which he suffered, it explained a lot about his previous behavior with you. However he never spoke about his job, he said he wanted you to be safe, and for that you shouldn’t know, you had accepted it, of course you had so many questions going through your head, but you trusted him.

After dating for a few months you had finally moved in with him, it was much easier, and he was also relieved that you could be there for his mother when he couldn’t. He had even confessed one night that it was very nice to come home to someone waiting for him.

Now, Christmas was getting closer, it will be the first time celebrating with him and his mom, you were excited, you planned on making it the happiest Joe has ever had.

You stirred in your bed, you were feeling colder than usual, so you turned looking for Joe’s warm body, your hand met his back, you felt him slightly jump at the contact. You winced.

“Joe, it’s me honey…sorry I woke you up…” you apologized, you didn’t mean to wake him up, he could be very jumpy during the night, due to his hypervigilance he was afraid something might happen at any moment, and that’s exactly what had happened, for a brief moment he had forgotten where he was and with who. You felt him turn around and his arm encircled your body, hugging you tightly, he buried his head in the crook of your neck.

“It’s okay Joe, everything his okay.” You whispered in his ear while caressing his back soothingly. You finally opened your eyes, the light in the room was bright as if it was summer outside, or could it be snow? The idea suddenly popped in your mind, that would explain the chilly air and the bright light from outside, excitement rose in your chest. You kept it inside, Joe needed you right now; so you stayed with him until he felt better, he finally looked up to meet your eyes, and he closed the gap between your mouths, his kiss was strong, needy, looking for comfort.

As you ran out of air, you caressed his cheek, a tender smile forming on your lips.

“I’ll be right back.” You told him, giving him a quick peck on the lips as you got up and went to the window, lifting the curtains. You opened your mouth agape when you saw all the snow, freshly fallen, it had snowed a lot, a thick layer covering the top of the cars.

“Joe! there’s snow! Come!” you squealed happily, you couldn’t wait to go outside. You heard him move and get out of bed, he came to stand behind you, once again putting his arms around your waist, his chin resting on your shoulder. You turned your head to look at his reaction. He didn’t smile but he looked at the snow intensely, almost fascinated, it was a good start.

“Let’s go outside!!” you beamed as you turned to face him, putting your arms around his neck.

“To do what?” he asked clueless.

“Well, play in the snow, dummy!” you teased playfully kissing his cheek as you went to dress warmly. You heard him sight as he looked for clothes in the closet, you couldn’t wait to show him it could be fun, that was your goal for today, make him smile with happiness.  When you were finally dressed and he was too, you excitedly took his hand and ran down the stairs.

When you opened the door, the cold air hit you, it was so refreshing, you closed your eyes and took a deep breath, the air felt so pure. A smile on your lips, you turned to look at Joe and to your great pleasure he was also enjoying the atmosphere. You let go of his hand to let yourself fall in the snow, the thickness almost burying you, you giggled at the sensation, you started to move your legs and arms to make a snow angel.

“C’mon Joe, it’s fun!” you invited him. After a pause, he gave in and went to lie down in the snow next to you.

“So how do you do it? Just moving my arms and legs from inside to outside?” he asked, trying to find the same fun you had.

“Exactly! Just close your eyes and feel what’s around you.” You replied softly. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes and started to slowly move his members. After a bit you saw his frown dissipate, he was relaxing, his face peaceful, you watched him, until he stopped and stayed still, enjoying the peace he felt.

“It feels…nice…”he murmured, reopening his eyes and looking at you, he reached for your hand, you both stared at each other, no need to speak, his eyes thankful, thankful you were bringing him peace, and you were happy, that’s exactly what you wanted to give him, rest, at least for a bit.

When the both of you finally got up, you looked at your snow angels, his was definitely bigger than yours, but it looked like they were holding hands. It’s was cute; then another cute idea came up, snowball fight of course! No better way to have fun.

“What do you think about a snowball fight?” you tempted him with a mischievous smile, you wanted to make sure he was okay with it, just in case it could trigger something in him, that’s the least thing you wanted. He seemed to think for a bit.

“You’re going to lose, you know that?” he answered seriously but you could see a bit of playfulness in his eyes.

“Oh don’t be so sure about that!” you replied challenging as your ran to hide behind a tree and crouched down to prepare your first snowball. Then, slowly you looked on the side to see where he was, and he was nowhere to be seen, adrenaline started to build in your body, you put yourself under cover once again, and before you could see it, you received a snowball in your face, you gasped in surprise and even more when you realized he was standing in front of you, how did he get there?!

You quickly reacted and threw yours on his face too, giving you a bit of time to run away, you picked up snow again, just in time you managed to avoid his shot, you giggled, he was really good at this, you threw yours and missed him from a few inches. The snowball fight seemed to last forever, to your great pleasure, you finally saw him smile, a mischievous, playful smile, you wanted to grin at this, but it faded when you realized it was because he was about to get you right in the face.

“No!” you exclaimed, laughing out loud as you started to run to escape him, but he started to run after you, you were screaming in anticipation, you knew he was faster than you. He finally caught you by your waist, the both of you crashing on the floor, thankfully the snow soften your fall. You couldn’t stop laughing, Joe came on top of you, holding your hands above your head.

“You won, I surrender…” you panted out of breath. That’s when you saw it, a beautiful smile forming on his lips, it became brighter and brighter, until a chuckle even came out. You had succeeded he was enjoying it. You wished this moment would stop, just the two of you, playing in the snow.

“And what is my reward?” he hinted, his eyes changing into something darker, pure desire.

“Well…you can ask anything you want…” you flirted suggestively with a smirk.

“Then, I’ll take you…” he cooed as he leaned to hungrily kiss you.  It was going to be a beautiful day.

[asking-jude]

i have completed a semester in this new school, and although is online, almost everyone in my class is getting along and making friends. I have not. Everytime someone approaches me my mind goes blank and i don’t know what to say. I’ve been noticing that socializing doesn’t come like a natural thing to me, i think that my problem is that i’m extremely introverted. Besides that, i’m super shy and social situations makes me very uncomfortable and extremely anxious. This is affecting me, because i feel like i can’t act like a normal person anymore, i feel like i’m just meant to observe and not participate in the things around me. I have no idea how to change this.

Hi love,

Thank you for reaching out to Asking Jude. It can be tough to make new friends in this day and age, especially when most people choose to stay indoors and not spend time outside. And don’t worry, you are not alone. While people in their late teens and 20s are considered to be some of the most social people due to the emergence of social media, it is also them who complain the most about not having friends. Furthermore, from what you’ve said, it seems like you might have some social anxiety. You want to stay in the background, the thought of conversing with people makes you uncomfortable, and you cannot fathom being in social situations. You are not alone. Many people, including me, often feel like this. 

Before you try to make new friends, it is important to work on yourself. Most people who suffer from social anxiety or feel extremely shy around strangers are often afraid of rejection. They worry that their looks, personality, or who they are is not enough to catch the other people’s attention, so they avoid meeting people. Find a way to quell those negative thoughts. Acknowledge your feelings, understand why you feel that, but know that negative thoughts can pop up any time irrationally. Work through them, and either replace them with affirmations or remind yourself that they are irrational and you are okay. 

Find things that make you feel strong. If direct interaction makes you uncomfortable, find activities where you do not need to talk to other people. Things like going to the gym, playing an instrument, and going to a library or mall are activities that don't require social interaction. Do activities which you potentially would like where you don't really need friends to do. This can make you feel a bit confident in yourself which will make you seem confident when you approach people later on.

Raising your self-esteem and being happy with who you are will somewhat decrease the fear of rejection, which can help you be more confident when you approach others.

Take small steps. Think of it like exposure therapy. The more you expose yourself to your fears, the better you will feel about facing them. Try out small gestures. Smile at people on the street, pay them a compliment, or ask people questions, anything that might form a slight connection between you and them. You mentioned that people often approach you and you are lost for words. At that point, have a few icebreaker questions at the ready. People love to talk about themselves. It is fine that you are just listening to them talk in the beginning. As long as you are taking a few first steps, that’s still a win.  

Since we are still in a pandemic and going out is not feasible, I'd make use of social media or any online clubs or groups that your school provides. Be patient, invite people to hang out with you, or find a way to hang out with them. Making friends is not an instant process. Find people with similar interests and similar hobbies, and you will eventually make connections.

Here are some resources that may help:

-https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-make-friends-3024380

-https://www.healthline.com/health/anxiety/how-to-make-friends-when-you-have-social-anxiety

-https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/dealing-with-loneliness-and-shyness.htm

-https://www.verywellmind.com/the-circus-mirror-effect-social-anxiety-and-friendships-3024763

-https://www.pixelthoughts.co/

Wishing you all the best,

Manisha

Asking Jude has moved to its OWN platform at askingjude.org. We will still be answering submissions on Asking Jude, but the new website’s submissions will take priority. We highly recommend you create an account on Asking Jude’s website, so you can receive 24/7 support from the Asking Jude Team and our community members. 

[spectralreplica]

So I loved your response on who would be most likely to witch out in the PMMM/DR v3 au, but id love to ask, what did they all wish for? (Bonus: Also did those wishes backfire?)

So, these are my thoughts for right now, but if I actually planned more of the “story” for this AU, some of them might change. For some of them I kind of cheated and came up with the power first, but in my defense it’s hard to come up with wishes without having planned more of the plot, since Kyubey tries so hard to get people to make spur of the moment wishes during times of stress.

Kokichi: I see him as totally paranoid (rightfully so) over how Kyubey’s trying to trick him but still obsessing for weeks over the perfect phrasing for a wish just in case, and then suddenly a witch traps him and DICE in a Labyrinth and he ends up contracting with a totally spontaneous wish. Something like “saving my friends” or “being strong enough to protect my family.” For maximum irony, he’d end up with powers that get stronger when fighting with/to protect others but keep trying to fight alone anyway due to not trusting other magicals and not wanting to put DICE in danger. He’d also tell people he wished for other things like, “to rule the world from the shadows,” or “an infinite supply of scarfs.” As for backfiring, he does save everyone that one time, but they’re in more danger since other magicals end up targeting them when Kokichi poaches from their territories, plus they’re in the line of fire if/when he witches out.

Kaito: Like in the game, Kaito is terminally ill and wishes for something along the lines of “being healthy enough to achieve his dreams,” but he totally lies and says he wished for something like “being strong enough to help others.” He gets the power to temporarily boost other people’s powers and/or make their bodies regenerate from wounds. He kind of avoids using the healing part at first because it’s a little suspicious with his alleged wish and then pretends it’s a thing he’s been practicing. It doesn’t really go bad for him, and I don’t think he’d regret making the wish, even when he finds out about the Soul Gems controlling your body thing. Maybe when he realizes there are no witches in space? But even then I think he’d be in denial…

Shuichi: Shuichi ends up involved in a really serious case and just can’t find the piece that ties it all together even though everyone is counting on him. At the height of his anxiety, Kyubey approaches him, and he wishes to find the truth. He basically gets super intuition/lie detection with a (mental) visual interface sort of like the DR trials (truth bullets plus the mini games). This creates drama with certain other magicals who are hiding something (cough, Kokichi and Kaito) and makes him doubt his skills since he’s relying on magic to cheat.

Maki: Still an orphan, still approached by a cult, but then approached by Kyubey. She wishes that the cult would never bother anyone at the orphanage again, and they all end up arrested, dead, or mysteriously vanished. She basically gets the power to make things/people “go away” to a pocket dimension only she can access, and this makes other people sort of forget those things/people exist while they’re inside. She sees her wish as a necessary sacrifice, like her becoming an assassin in canon, so she is Not Happy when Kyubey approaches some of the other orphans.

Kaede: Honestly not sure???? She doesn’t really have anything in her backstory that would be a catalyst for Kyubey to approach her, so I see it as more of a random chance, situation-based thing, like Madoka healing the cat. Maybe she was trapped in a Labyrinth and wished for the power to fight survive, or to save a friend? Just know it’s not related to her piano playing. That’s all practice, and she likes it that way.

(Joke answer: Kaede gets super mad at someone from a distance and wishes she could slap them across the face for being an idiot. She gets the power to telekinetically smack anything around from across the room.)

Himiko: Intrigued by the idea of real magic but not intrigued by the idea of having to fight witches. Ends up wishing for her mentor to be more popular. Not as mind-controlly as Kyoko’s wish; basically, people just find him really cool and talented and can’t look away from his shows, but they don’t like, form a cult? Sort of derails her own career as a magician (both because the audience likes her mentor more and because she has to sneak off and fight witches) and doesn’t really fix the problems in their relationship, but he doesn’t leave and never return. Anyway, she gets the power to make herself and anyone she touches more or less noticeable/popular. Really good for stealth or drawing aggro. Also for convincing people to do her favors.

Tenko: She recently moved to the city after living in a temple since she was a child, and is finding it hard to adjust. One night, when she’s out acting as a “hero of justice” like her Master taught her and preventing a suicide, she ends up trapped in a Labyrinth and saved by Himiko. She ends up really, really attached and sort of accompanies her on hunts for a while until something goes wrong, and she ends up wishing to protect Himiko. She ends up with sort of a sense when Himiko needs help and is really good at putting up shields/barriers.

Miu: Still in a bad car crash leading to a coma, butthe surgery doesn’t go as well. Kyubey approaches her in the hospital right after she’s been told she’s facing permanent brain damage. She almost wishes to put her brain back to normal but then decides, why stop there? She wishes to be a genius with a super-brain that can solve any problem, and ends up with super inspiration, mostly aimed at turning any materials around her into an invention that will help her. She can use magic to substitute for missing materials and speed up the development time, but this uses a lot of magic at once, and the finished product won’t work for anyone else. Freaks out when she learns her body is now essentially hardware, but then she realizes the possibilities for improving things… Then everyone else freaks out.

Gonta: Still a feral child who got lost in the woodsand was sort of raised by wolves (not reptites, sorry), but this affects his ability to learn language and social skills much, much more severely than in canon. Wishes for the ability to understand others, which makes him fluent in all languages and sort of an empath. Also, because he sees animals as sort of on the same level as humans, this extends to animal languages in addition to human ones. Being able to speak and mimic “good manners” improves others’ opinions of him and his intelligence, but being able to feel how his birth family really feels about him is so upsetting that he eventually ends up running away and staying with Miu and Kiibo.

Kiibo: Lives with Miu. Does not remember his wish, but he has powers, so he has to have made one? Probably human. I’m still sort of torn over his backstory, but I’m kind of leaning towards a Hijiri kind of situation, where he was created by someone else’s wish. Or magic (cough, Miu.)

Ryoma: Wishes to get revenge on the mafia that killed his family and girlfriend. Basically gets enhanced strength and a sort of sense of where all of the members are. I sort of went over how his wish ends up in the other post…

Korekiyo: Wished to cure his sister’s illness and got healing powers. Currently traveling the world to observe other magicals. Like the other cult members, offers to use his powers for a price (usually Grief Seeds or information).

Angie: Starts out living on an isolated island andacting as a priestess/oracle, but begins to doubt her own abilities/connection to her god because natural disasters are getting worse and more people are leaving. She sort of interprets Kyubey as a messenger from her god and wishes to know what’s really going on/get a better sense of her destiny. She gets the power to predict the future as long as she is personally involved. She has to actively focus on a question (What happens if I do this?) or a goal (I want to achieve this) and she’ll see the most probable path. This really elevates her sense of self-importance, and makes it much easier to make others see things her way. It doesn’t prevent a tsunami from destroying her home and making everyone leave, at which point she meets Tsumugi and Kirumi.

Tsumugi: Her life isn’t bad, but she doesn’t like herself that much and feels empty and unfulfilled until she comes across the existence of actual magical girls (well, one in particular). Like an anime come to life! Tsumugi wishes for the ability to become someone else (yes, I know this was Rena’s wish too…) and gets the power to transform into other people. If they’re a magical, she can also copy a limited, weaker version of their powers.

Rantaro: Wishes to find all of his sisters and gets the ability to track people. He has an inherent sense where each of his sisters is and their general emotional state, but he can also apply this power to other people if he focuses. It works from anywhere in the world and can be based on a photograph, but it works best when the person is close by (from a country away he knows they’re alive and northwest from him, from a building away he knows they’re sitting in a chair in the back corner of the back bedroom and feeling excited but a little nervous) and he’s met them in person. He quickly discovers that tracking a sister down once doesn’t mean she’ll stay “found” and go home. Some of them also want to travel, others have bad senses of direction and always get lost again, some find his new knowledge of where they are and how they feel super creepy and avoid him, and at least one became a magical girl already… He probably finds out about the witch thing first…….

Kirumi: Part of a family that’s been serving animportant, rich family (maybe Rantaro’s? for maximum irony?) for generations. She’s been trained to dedicate her whole life to serving others and has no real prospects outside of eventually becoming head maid and training her own children to replace her. Meets Angie and Tsumugi and is immediately drawn in by Angie’s message. Wishes for the ability to instantly transport herself and others and gets the ability to teleport to any location she’s seen (photos count). It gets harder the more people she takes along, the longer the distance, and the less detail she knows about her destination. She tells everyone—and herself—that she lives to serve and wished for a convenient power to better serve the group’s needs, but she secretly wanted to escape really badly for her own sake too.

[scripttorture]

Bit of an odd situation for this one, so I apologize if it's out of your scope. CharacterA was a child soldier in Russia, groomed from around age 6 to be an assassin and honey trap. Due to time travel bullshit, CharacterB has now found themselves in charge of a 3-year-old CharacterA who has much of the child soldier mentality and trauma still present. What kinds of lingering issues should they expect/keep an eye out for, and how could they best help this child recover? Modern setting. Thanks!

I might be able to help a little but I don’t know anything about childhood development. And that means that because of the age of the character there’s going to be a lot of important stuff I miss.

 Scripttraumasurvivors had some posts on how abuse effects childhood development and how kids at different ages express symptoms. I’d suggest taking a look at their blog.

 The impression I get is that the outlook for child soldiers is generally poorer then that of other children but there’s a lot of variability and it doesn’t necessarily have to be as bad as it is now.

 There are a lot of different factors that lead to child soldiers having shorter, poorer and less healthy lives and some of those factors can be eliminated.

 The biggest one is rejection by the community. People typically don’t want to care for child soldiers. They are often an easy target for the anger and frustration victimised communities feel towards armed groups.

 Isolation exacerbates mental health problems. Isolated children are less likely to learn acceptable social behaviour (a big problem when they’ve been taught violence is the best solution). And rejection reinforces the narrative their captors push on them: that the only home they’ll ever have is with the armed group.

 The cases I’ve read about are all with much older children. Typically child soldiers are much older then this. They’re usually in their teens.

 It’s also important to remember that ‘child soldier’ encompasses any child working within an armed group, whether they are actively fighting or not.

 Self esteem problems, mood swings and difficult behaviour (sometimes violence but more often aggression and inability to respond to social cues) all seem to be common.

 I’m not sure what these would look like in very young children. However one of the things child soldiers often talk about is difficulty going back to school, getting training or finding jobs. They’re very aware their lack of training has handicapped them. I’ve not read any accounts of them being put back in school among much younger classmates but I imagine at least some of them would find it humiliating.

 I’d say that whatever the age (and whether they’re in school or not) this character is likely to feel isolated from and unable to relate to their peers. These feelings may include a degree of jealousy that their peers have access to things Character A does not.

 I honestly don’t know how to write these complex feelings manifesting in a three year old.

 I do know that in young children the symptoms and emotions at play often get read as the child ‘being difficult’ or ‘acting out’.

 Patience and compassion are important.

 I think the other main thing to keep in mind for Character B is repetition.

 Children raised in these kinds of indoctrinating environments are- They’re subjected to a lot of repeated messages some are about things the group wants them to believe and some are ‘accidental’ lessons. So for instance the group might put a lot of effort into teaching children that ‘You can’t trust anyone outside the group’. And they might accidentally instil things like ‘Do not eat in front of bigger people because they will take your food’.

 It would be perfectly normal for Character A to be consciously aware of some of these lessons and unaware of others. For instance if they were explicitly told not to trust outsiders they’d be aware of that and able to verbalise it. But they might not be able to verbalise (or properly think through) something more complex like ‘when you raise your voice I become anxious because I associate that with anger and I associate anger with emotional or physical abuse.’

 This is something that applies to adult survivors and I expect it would be more pronounced in children: people can’t always explain why something feels bad or even what about the situation made it bad.

 Which means that care takers like Character B need to be patient and be careful about the behaviours/lessons they reinforce.

 Any rejection, however small it seems, could be read as ‘evidence’ for that common cult-style lesson that ‘no one outside the group can be trusted, no one outside the group will care about you’.

 Undermining these things takes a lot of time. And it can be complicated by the fact that someone can know a feeling is irrational yet still feel it.

 Again repetition, providing a consistently safe and nurturing environment, is key.

 Any form of physical punishment, whether it’s smacking, sending a child to bed without supper or making them stand in a corner, should be avoided. There’s considerable evidence that smacking at any level is harmful to children. In this particular story I think any sort of physical punishment would worsen the relationship between carer and child, while also reinforcing the message that the people who trained Character A were right.

 Beyond that I tend to get a bit more vague because while I know a little about child soldiers there’s still a lot more reading I need to do.

 There is a lot of variety in outlooks and outcomes for former child soldiers.

 A fair proportion of them go on to have normal lives and contribute to their communities. That proportion increases when there are concerted efforts to welcome them back and care for them.

 Some former child soldiers are scoped up by criminal groups. I personally think that a lot of this is because of communal rejection and a lack of other options. Without schooling and skills former child soldiers are relatively easy targets.

 I don’t have a breakdown of common mental illnesses in former child soldiers. The general symptoms of trauma are typically the same regardless of the trauma, so you could pick some symptoms from the list on this Masterpost here. They would all be in the realm of possibility even if I can’t tell you how common or uncommon they’d be for child soldiers in particular.

 I haven’t read enough about or by child soldiers to feel confident guessing a number of symptoms. If the character survives abuse or torture as part of their time as a soldier then I’d suggest following the guidelines in the Masterpost of around 3-5 symptoms.

 Because we don’t have any way to predict which individual survivors develop which particular symptoms I always recommend approaching this choice as an author and considering what works best with the story.

 You might want to rule out using some symptoms because of the character’s age. You’ll also want to consider how the character’s age would effect the expression of symptoms.

 Anxiety (and related mental health problems) can cause a rapid heart rate, pain in the chest, shakes and a light headed, dizzy feeling. Depression (and related mental health problems) can manifest as tiredness, lack of appetite (or conversely much increased appetite) and nausea (sometimes vomiting).

 In a character who can’t necessarily express what they’re feeling (who doesn’t know mental health terms) these symptoms can be confused with physical illness.

 My impression, based purely on anecdotes, is that many mentally ill children are labelled as ‘problem children’ long before there’s a suggestion that they might be unwell. It can be difficult to know how to help someone who doesn’t have the vocabulary or experience to express what is wrong and how to fix it.

 It’s also really natural, whatever the character’s age is, to get angry at the lack of understanding and accommodations for mental illness. It’s especially difficult to be patient when you’re in pain.

 The only other thing I can think of in terms of Character A is that they’d probably say a lot of things adults would find very disturbing.

 They’ll not only have been exposed to a lot of… It’s not even really ‘age inappropriate’ so much as inhumane things. They’re told these things are normal. They’re used to being praised for them.

 If this child is used to being given positive attention for- Pointing out how someone could be manipulated or killed then they are likely to do it once they begin to trust Character B.

 And the problem here is that responding with horror, or telling the child to stop can damage their trust in the adult. It can feel like rejection and it can be difficult for very young children to understand why something they were previously praised for is now wrong. Even when a child understands being unable to express or share things they’ve come to see as ‘normal’ is difficult.

 All of which boils down to this: Character B has a damned difficult job ahead of them.

 It is hard to rehabilitate traumatised kids even for professionals with experience. For someone who doesn’t have that background it’s stressful, intense and they might not expect so many moments when things seem to get worse instead of better.

 They need a lot of patience and an absolute commitment to winning Character A’s trust. Which could take months or more. Consistently providing a stable, safe, loving environment is essential.

 What that should look like to best serve the characters isn’t a question I can answer precisely.

 There’s a list of sources on child soldiers here that you might find helpful. Also my salty complaints about Cambridge University Press’ search function.

 Barber’s book (which I haven’t read yet) focuses primarily on recover and rehabilitation so it might be helpful to you. However age is a factor and I am unsure how many children in Barber’s data set were under 14.

 I hope that helps :)

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