#my pmdd is pmdd-ing

[prythianpages]

mood

[femmesandhoney]

oh my PMDD is PMDD-ing tonight the alcohol helped a little until it did not <3

[swag-system]

Oh no, the Bluetooth periods are coming ← about the start

funny fact i have somehow actually synced up with one of my online friends and we have stayed synced for months. usually my period is extremely random and confusing n sometimes itll randomly skip a month but now i know when its potentially coming bcs of the friend i synced with. shoutout to syncing periods with someone from an entirely different country being the one way i can tell if im pmdd-ing or actually crashing emotionally. our uteruses are connecting thru the screens...

[wolkewatcher]

it's really pmdd-ing but it wasn't supposed to pmdd until tomorrow at least and that's making the pmdd worse bc i was not prepared to sacrifice my last few good days screams

[hdyram]

I'm fatigued as hell because I was too paranoid to sleep much but we got lucky in Santa Clarita and the fire decided to stay in San Fernando... In fact the air is unusually clear here. And I'm too far north by Magic Mountain from the Newhall Pass to have to evacuate. And all this when I've gotten my ibs and dermatillomania under control, and I've committed to taking St. John's Wort so I didn't even realize I was pms-ing until my boobs were sore walking down my apartment complex stairs; ie, no emotional symptoms of pmdd. Aaand no 14 traffic, it feels all spacious out... I feel bad for saying so because of everyone in southern LA County but how did I get so lucky jeez

[sagescented]

It's been 3 days since I started on the new Thyroid dose and the difference has been great. It's absolute insanity just how much of my depression is linked to my Thyroid every time. Even my PMDD seems more manageable this round (and here both my Husband and I thought it was just PMDD + needing to detox from the Delta-8 again. Turns out it wasn't that practically at all).

My GP actually kind of forgot that I was Subclinical in the first place, and not actually clinically diagnosable, but that my body responds as if I wholly am. So she's been counting my Thyroid as normal the last couple blood tests 🤣 We're really glad we finally caught it this time. But now she kinda feels like a bit of an ass for not catching that earlier.

The good news in addition to that, is that a lot of the mental fatigue and brain fog is also gone. I'm still having problems with word and thought recall, but it's not horrific now; I'm not Error 404-ing for a whole minute. It's down to about 5 to 10 seconds now. And my brain is picking alternative words again instead of just shutting down entirely. My sleepiness has also improved a tad.

It's safe to say that a chunk of my problem was the weight gain since the Gastroparesis diagnosis, and putting me on Metoclopramide, affecting my Thyroid dosing, then. However, it still hasn't touched a significant amount of the tiredness, and basically none of the muscle and body fatigue. If anything, my body feels more fatigued, and I'm back to struggling to go up the stairs at all again. So it's also safe to say that my Thyroid is not the whole issue.

Knowing this in just a few days of the new dose, I may not bother to wait until September to restart the Iron supplements. But I'll call my GP's Nurse on Monday and let her know the change, and that I'm starting the Iron, so she's kept in the loop.

ETA: "Excessive or unusual tiredness or weakness" can be a less common side effect of Levothyroxine. What a joy! 😭

[androgynealienfemme]

Stayed home today cause I’m PMDD-ing and like… it doesn’t actually make me feel any better to know what’s causing my brain to feel like sharp teeth worms are eating my mind every month

[reallylikestoscream]

PMDD-ing bad enough to make me want to get my thyroid checked

[bacchicly]

Let's talk about lying for a moment.

I am a recovering liar. And yes I am using the word mindfully the way one uses it when expressing that one is a recovering addict of any type.

I have always strived for to be a truth teller but when one is as afraid of getting in trouble as I am (and it used to be even more) and someone who makes copious numbers of "mistakes" every single day... Along with the pressure to speak... Lying was an easy maladaptive self-protective strategy to fall into.

The most helpful thing though that helped me kick the habit?

Reading that some researchers are now defining lying as one of the F reactions... As in...

Flight, Fight, Freeze, Fawn, and...

...FIB!

The theory is that it is a combo of flight and fight which we developed due to the fact that we have language. It's a combo of hiding (or trying to look different than you are - like a cat proofing it's tail) and fighting. For me that helped me see what I was actually doing...why I had fallen into the habit... What types of triggers led to lies (being late because I did "just one more thing" was a big one...as was misjudging how long things would take...or losing or misplacing something)...

It took me about a year to train my brain to not jump to lie formulation every time I felt stressed (even when I was able choose to tell the truth - my brain typically had 4 or 5 options cooked up before I opened my mouth).

More recently, Brené Brown's and co's "the story I am making up" has been helpful too.

Now - 3 or 4 years later... My brain does not come up with as many protective stories as it used to...and when it does I take it as a sign that I am tired, stressed, triggered, anxious, or pmdd-ing and need to up my self care.

Not perfect...but better.

Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.

[futurewife]

pmdd got me hmmm-ing thoughtfully then writing things in my journal like I'm giving myself 10 more years max

[carousels-on-fire]

I’m not on here much anymore. Mostly because my kitty Petra helped a lot with my loneliness, and I also started taking an anti-depressant so my hormones no longer have me spiraling into despair thanks to PMDD. I’m doing pretty well lately. I’m level, I’m not yo-yo-ing between rage and despair. Its taken a long time to get here. I feel like I’m clear headed for the first time in years. I’ve been working on art everyday, before it took months to finish anything. I’m not really strongly into any fandoms right now, mostly just watching horror movies and drawing. If you’d like to follow either my main or my art instagram send me a message and I’ll tell you what it is.  I’ll still pop in from time to time though. Take care friends.

[rabbitindisguise]

I just can't deal with neurotypicals right now because I hate school, it makes me feel like I want to die and like- that's fine, usually. Usually there's many miles separating my School Life from my Life Life. I can cope. I can breathe. I do schoolwork outside of my dorm, mostly. When I do schoolwork in my dorm it isn't even that bad. Usually! Usually this is only a minor problem, that school makes me not like being alive.

But this is absolutely suffocating. With my the deadline extended, they can ask for all the work. I can be trapped doing schoolwork past June. The thought it sending me into a panic attack just thinking about it. They can send work back and ask me to do stuff to it before they accept it. They could ask for new things. This is my personal hell. I know it will be all over as soon as I finish it and they probably won't ask for stuff they don't want to grade but I'm stressed when I wake up. I'm stressed when I go to sleep. I'm stressed while eating. I'm stressed when I'm doing laundry. I'm stressed taking a shower. I'm stressed on Tumblr. I'm not getting rest. I don't even know how I'm keeping food down.

And then these cheerful ass profs are like "I believe in you" when they're basically torturing me with my own body and don't even know it. I got a package in the mail the other day and I felt nothing. I feel dead inside. (Getting mail is something I can be excited about in the middle of a PMDD episode, it always cheers me up.) There's a thousand multifaceted problems in my life but nothing is worse than my email inbox right now. I'm on data. I'm paying to suffer.

I just get so worried that this will never be over. I'll be stuck like this forever with nothing.

. . . anyway I've had my hard cry I guess I need to finish this. I can't take another single day of this utter misery. What they get, they get. I'm bargaining out of essays. I cannot do it. I need to go in my room and do nothing for a week to restore my sense of fucking meaning in the world after this. I might just stare at a wall for several days in a row. There is so much selective amnesia-ing that will be happening. I am pleasantly numb from hyperventilation. I'm gonna take a shower to de-saltify myself, and work with single minded determination to go to bed not miserable for the first time in three months. If I cry all over my tablet while writing an essay just like how I closed out my senior year of highschool (? I think? I don't really remember), so fucking be it. The universe can eat shit.

[lifeinahole27]

Hi There!

Are you new here? Well, hello. It’s nice to meet you. My name is Sarah. I’m turning 34 years old in June and I’ve been writing since I was 13/fanfic writing since 15. I have a BA in English and a MFA in poetry. I don’t use either of them for shit. My grammar is terrible sometimes. I won’t judge you if you won’t judge me.

For those of you who’ve been here awhile, this is just a refresher. Skip this post if you don’t care about my life. 

So, what brings you here? Fandom? Which one? I primarily use this to post writing and gifs and such about OUAT/Captain Swan. Yes, the show is over. But I don’t care. I will write these idiots falling in love every way I can until the well runs dry for my muses. My thoughts on Season 7? If I don’t have to talk about it, that’s cool. I didn’t watch it, tbh. I watched the Captain Swan scenes, felt a lovely pull for Alice and Robin, but otherwise did not partake. I sometimes wish season 7 hadn’t happened because it undeniably broke the CS ship and I kind of miss when it wasn’t a hateful shitshow in some corners of the fandom. I respect your views on it, though, if you liked it or hated it.

What do I write? Well, primarily AU stories. I’ve had a bit of a knack for them since I was younger. I try to keep them as in-character as possible, but sometimes you’ll see something I’ve written and think “Huh! This is slightly/outrageously OOC!” I apologize for that. Even the best attempts still miss someone’s expectations. (The older the fic, the more likely it is OOC, honestly.)

I like fluff and smut. Plain and simple. I have ventured into angst, I will sometimes write canon-verse stories, I like to switch POV, I do not like writing or reading whump, I will never be caught dead writing rape, non-con, or dub-con. I try to add warnings for anything I think will be a bother to someone, but sometimes I do not succeed. If you ever think I should tag or tw something, pop a message in my inbox. 

I do my best to be friendly with as many people as possible. Does that mean I don’t have anyone on here that doesn’t like me? No. I’m sure there are plenty of people who don’t. Just as there are people that I don’t care for. I stay in my lane; I keep doing my thing. I don’t much care what anyone has to say about me otherwise. 

This is a safe space. I believe in love and rights to all nationalities, genders, races, religions, sexuality, and everything in between. I am a bisexual white woman. Chances are, I don’t know what you’ve been through if you’re not that exact specification. I will do my best to never step on your toes. Unless you’re a Nazi or a Trump supporter. In which case, get the fuck off my page. Block me. I don’t care. I don’t want you here. You will not enjoy anything I post.

I have a slew of weird health issues. Confirmed, I have anxiety and depression. I have PMDD and PCOS, and now there’s a possibility that I’ve developed endometriosis. That one is new and scary to me because I don’t know if that’s true yet. I have binge eating disorder, as well. I am overweight by more than I can stand and wish desperately that I could get it under control.

I drink a lot of coffee, I smoke cigarettes, I know neither of these are good for me in the long run. 

Other things/fandoms/stuff I love: Marvel movies, Friends, GoT, Wheel of Time, Colin O’Donoghue, Jennifer Morrison, Josh Dallas and Ginnifer Goodwin, To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before, Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, Queen/Bohemian Rhapsody. There are bunches that I’m forgetting, but I do my best to tag everything so if you don’t like something, you can filter out that tag. If a post is about me/my life, I tag it “sarah for life stuff” so you can ignore that if you want to. I’m extremely bad about tagging my general posts so sometimes random memes and shit will just be tagged LOL. I’m sorry for this inconsistency but I’ll work on tagging all that as “random” from this point forward.

I work front desk at a hotel, so you’ll see front desk jokes and stories sometimes. I also teach freshman composition at a university, but after this semester I am quitting that for at least a little bit. 

I strive to be as open as possible, so if you ever have a question, feel free to send me an ask or a message. 

Happy Tumblr-ing, friends. 

[raisaumexique]

07/06/2022

cancun

i typed this once and it got deleted. instead of flinging myself into the sun i told myself (in aaliyah’s voice) « dust yourself off and try again ». this place is already changing me, lol.

so i’m in mexico bitches. currently typing in a small hostel in cancun that i’m leaving in a few hours. i nearly did not make it here folks, i nearly didn’t. during check-in at orly i was informed that i didn’t have an ETSA which is required when transiting to the US. i went into adhd hyperfocus mode, applied for the ETSA then saw that i would get a response in approximately 12 to fucking 48 hours. i paid 89 euros. fucking dying inside and panicking i asked two girls who were in the same situation as me if they saw the delay response time. they said that they made an urgent request to get the response under 1h they showed me how to do it. i paid 57 euros. i called my dad and literally had a 50 minute long anxiety attack where i was extremely suicidal contemplating the ways i would off myself if i didn’t get on that plane. i also failed to check that i was PMDD-ing. meaning i was having premenstrual dysphoric disorder which indeed makes me extremely suicidal lol. my dad told after 45 minutes to get in line for check-in. while in line i received the confirmation for ETSA. i cried. i mean i was already crying but these were happy tears. the girls also got it ! so we flew to madrid alhamdullilah. then in madrid i slept walk all the way to my terminal completely dissociated. i arrive at security blablabla everything is good. i’m in line to board the plane i check my emails and see my fucking ETSA was revoked because i made two requests. I once again want to kill myself. I panic call my dad who tells me to just get on the plane and pray that everything goes well and try to speak with the people in miami. i am completely discouraged and dead inside. i get on the plane imagining that i might be sent back while in the US. then i check my emails. ETSA approved bitch. i thank every deity under the sky, cry a little bit more, then i sleep for nearly the entierty of the flight to miami. when i woke up i would occasionally take care of the baby next to me. in miami transit goes fine, plane to cancun and boom here i am. as they say, les musulmans sont toujours gagnant.e.s.

[skyler10fic]

Falling Apart, Falling Together

By Skyler10

Summary: Rose is very grateful Tentoo is home after a long day with the kids: Piper Jane (8) and Braxton Michael (3). 

Notes: First and foremost, for #Tentoosday. Also for the @doctorroseprompts drabble prompt: “quiet” and general fall fic (leaves, blankets, Halloween mentions, baking, etc.) Also, as I like to do with my own afflictions, I have given Rose PMDD in this fic because something this fluffy and idyllic needs some real talk, yeah? If you don’t know what it is, it’s the emotional side of PMS but enough to be a Thing. It’s fun, trust me. ;) (It’s not much fun, but yay #awareness)

“Oh thank god, you’re home,” Rose rushed up to greet the Doctor in the entryway to their house just as he shut the door behind him. It had been a busy Sunday with their three-year-old son and eight-year-old daughter, and just as it was getting started, the Doctor had been called in to work.

Rose was so relieved to see him that she pulled him down for a spontaneous, hard kiss.

“Not that I’m complaining,” the Doctor said as she pulled away, “but what’s going on?”

“Your son. won’t. nap,” Rose bit out through a forced smile. “He wants to show you his dinosaurs, even though he knows you have seen them a million times. He still won’t go to sleep until you look at them. He’s been like this for an hour, and I have to get these pumpkin cookies baking for Piper’s class tomorrow. You know how I know?! Because she keeps reminding me every five minutes that she’s going to be the only one without treats for the autumn class party!” The last part was in a frustrated whisper because Piper was only around the corner in the kitchen.

“C’mere…” The Doctor pulled her in for a reassuring hug, which she returned tightly. “It’s gonna be alright. I’m here.”

She let go of him eventually and smiled sheepishly, embarrassed at herself.

“Thanks. Just… I really missed you today. Not only because of the kids.” She exhaled heavily and shook her head at her silliness. He was only gone eight hours, after all. They’d been apart much longer than that, even since starting their new life together in this universe. Then she remembered what week of the month it was. “I don’t know, probably just PMS-ing or whatever.”

He wrapped his arms around her waist and pecked a kiss to her forehead. “The Time Lord in me says you’re right about your cycle, but I know it still freaks you out that I know that, so instead I’m going to say, honestly, I missed you too.”

“DADDY! Come see my dinosaurs!” came a tiny shout from upstairs.

Piper stuck her head out into the hallway. “You’re supposed to be sleeping!”

“I WILL VERY SOON,” came Braxton’s reply.  

Rose and the Doctor couldn’t help but laugh wearily.

“Divide and conquer?” he suggested.

Rose nodded. “Come sample our test batch when you’re done?”

“Oh yes!” He beamed and bounded upstairs to their son’s bedroom.

“This one is a ticeracops and this one is a tewannasaurus rex.” Braxton held up each of his plushie toys for his dad to see. The three-year-old was tucked into bed with the Doctor sitting next to him. A pile of books from Rose’s attempts to get him to nap were scattered on the floor around them.

“That’s very good! Did you learn that in school?”

“No, Mummy taught me. She said they are much scarier in person. But these are nice ones and they will protext me from the baddies.” He squished them into a hug, then yawned. “Daddy, can I be a dinosaur for Halloween?

“Sure, son. That sounds like a great costume.” The Doctor made a mental note to look for dinosaur costumes in Braxton’s size the next time they were out shopping.

“Can we go in the TARDIS to see the dinosaurs? The REAL ones?”

The Doctor smiled and stroked the boy’s sticky-uppy brown hair so like his own. He softened his voice to the magical tone that always helped his kids relax. “Yes, when you’re older. Right now, I want you to close your eyes and think about all the good dinosaurs playing and having fun together.”

Braxton snuggled down into bed and, with a tad bit of help from his father’s telepathic touch, he was out like a light. The Doctor tried not to use that method much, but he knew if Braxton didn’t get his nap soon, he’d be cranky and not want to go to sleep later tonight.  

Down in the kitchen, he found pumpkin cookies on the cooling rack, but Rose and Piper were nowhere in sight.

“Rose?”

“Shh, over here.” He followed the whisper to the living area with a big comfy couch. Rose and Piper were cuddled up with a blanket. A movie about teenage witches was playing, muted, on the telly.

“Hey,” he whispered as he knelt down in front of the couch. “Got Brax down but not without a promise we’d visit the late Cretaceous period. I see you’ve been successful as well.”

Rose smiled down at their daughter. “Sometimes big kids need a nap too.”  She yawned. “Must be catching.”

“You should get some rest as well.” He shook his head when she started to protest. “I’ll get the second batch of cookies out of the oven when they’re done.”

“Mmk,” Rose agreed, almost asleep already. “Don’t let them burn.”

“Not to worry. I’m good with time.” He winked.

Rose smiled and let her eyes fall closed.

Fifteen minutes later, Rose awoke as a new woman. She double-checked the time to make sure she hadn’t actually slept longer. Piper was still out cold, so she carefully unwrapped herself from her daughter’s embrace. Piper stirred, but Rose tucked the blanket in around her and she settled back down.

The Doctor was still in the kitchen. He’d found the ingredients she’d set aside for dinner and was starting to cook.

“Hello, beautiful,” he crooned in faux suggestive tone at the sight of her nap-mussed hair. She giggled as he patted down a section that was sticking out funny. “Have a good nap?”

“Yes, ta.” She pecked a kiss to his lips and turned to admire the cookies cooling on the rack. She turned back to him and gasped.

“What?” He straightened, ready to spring into action. He searched the cookies for anything wrong.

“No, these look great.” She breathed out a laugh. “I just realized I didn’t even ask about your day or anything! I’m so sorry, love.”

He relaxed and exhaled. “Not at all! You had your hands full, and I of all people know what that’s like with those two.”

“Still, I’d like to hear about how it went?”

He nodded in the direction of their back porch just out the kitchen door. It had a bench swing just under Braxton’s open window, so they could hear if he woke up. The sun was low in the sky, causing the autumn leaves to gleam golden and red. It so beautiful the Doctor and Rose couldn’t help but stare at the trees as they settled in on the swing. He leaned against one of the armrests with her back against his chest. His arms encircled her, and she entwined hers arms around his. Together like this, they felt completely at peace.

“I found the missing sequence in the coding,” he began after a moment of simply enjoying each other’s embrace. “The machine is already up and running, processing the new arrivals’ photos as we speak.”

“So we can give them IDs now, all the shapeshifters?”

“Yup. One more class of refugees the Earth can take in from other worlds.” He kissed her temple. “They can have a home here and work legally and provide for their families.”

She turned her head so she could nuzzle into his neck. “I’m so proud of you. I don’t tell you that enough.”

“I’m proud of you too. You amaze me. Every day. Whether we’re fighting the bad guys or helping aliens find a home here or taking care of our kids.”

She sighed, supposing it was time to confess her insecurity, even if it was probably just monthly hormones.

“Sometimes I…”

“What is it, love?”

“I wonder if I’m doing any of it right. There’s all this talk about whether we mums can do it all, you know: work, be a good parent, travel, whatever. I see other mums or other agents or people we meet in our travels and it just seems like I can never get it right or be enough.”

“Ohhh, my Rose,” he reassured gently though it broke his heart to hear it, “you are doing every bit of that marvelously. And I would be lying if I said I didn’t have the same doubts about myself. You know how hard it was for me to accept I could be a good dad at first.”

“Yeah, but that was ages ago.”

“Still, I doubt myself, if I’m good enough for you, for our kids. I know there’s more I could be doing at work too, with my big brain and centuries of experience, but I need time here too. I want to be there for things like Piper’s footie game today and putting Brax down for his nap, but I also want to help others find a home here for their families. It’s…”

“Complicated,” she finished for him. “I feel that too. Every time I see a kid we’ve saved run back to their parents, I miss our kids. And vice versa, every time I hear about one of our kids’ classmates whose planet we weren’t there to save, I feel guilty we were here safe with our family.”

“Yeah.” He sighed. “You know what though?”

“Hmm?”

“I’d say we’re doing alright.”

“Yeah?” She smiled.

“Definitely. And we’ll probably still be figuring this out even after the kids are grown and gone. We’ll be wondering how to balance it all with our grandchildren!”

“I dunno. Maybe we’ll have figured it out by then.” She watched an orange leaf fall right into her lap from the branch above them. She picked it up and handed it to him. “One thing I do know.”

“What’s that?”

“I’m so glad we get to do all of this: growing old together, having this life. I love it.”

“Worth it?”

“Always.”

“Stay with me?”  

“Forever.”  She twisted in his arms and kissed him, enjoying the brief moment of peace in the madness of their one life together.

[thisismetryin]

i hope nobody’s on mobile and having to scroll through this and i’m so sorry and i’m just feeling a lot of things and

you know how you feel when it’s 2am and you’re breaking down? i’m listening to my 2am breakdown playlist and looping i always wanna die (sometimes) by the 1975 and it’s 4 fucking pm and i just cried for 10 minutes and

i need to tell this to someone but i don’t know who to tell and i don’t want anyone to worry about me but i also don’t know what to do and i feel like i’m about to explode

i have too much love for my friends to let them in and make them carry my burdens

and literally my burdens are all my fault. i have idk how many essays to write and i’m already past the deadline and i had TIME to do it but i couldn’t do it. i sat in front of my computer and i just could not do it. and i was stupid enough to think i’d be able to do it all when the deadline’s looming but here i am, having only submitted one assignment out of maybe like 10 things. and my grade’s gonna be awful probably. and it’s all my fault. and i can’t really tell anyone coz everyone has to do these things and if i had issues i should’ve asked for an extension

and just these days i’ve been feeling really stressed and spiteful and restless and messy and looking back in 2019 i’ve both grown a lot, found a new group of friends i love, but i don’t let anyone in other than them and maybe it’s an issue like i miss hanging out irl with people but i’m the one who’s like “i can’t hang out i have sth to do” and i hate this i hate this i hate me sometimes

and i don’t know if i have any mental health issues? i just know this year i’ve been breaking down maybe several times more often than i usually do. gosh. i remember when i was younger i had one breakdown a year. now i have a breakdown or two every week. 

and if i was more involved in the hong kong politics stuff then that’d make more sense coz politics are draining but i’ve spent the past three weeks not doing much and i just feel absolutely awful and it’s all my fault and i don’t know how to make it right and i’m just really lost

maybe next year i’ll go see a counsellor but i’m always worried i’m overthinking it and i just don’t know anything anymore i’m just here shaking and i’m hoping my eyes won’t be red by the time my parents come home 

i just want to be okay, i want to be positive and supportive and happy and fun and i don’t want people to worry but i 

i need to pull myself together

and i’m scared everyone hates me and i feel like i’m awful and my mood just swings over and over and i don’t want to disappoint anyone 

and i feel so so so bad about not connecting with people more and i’m just a cloud of bad feelings rn

and my 2am breakdown playlist, titled “it’s 2am, feeling like i just”, was originally meant to be a heartbreak playlist, it’s in the heartbreak folder on my playlists but i’m just breaking down. i’m not heartbroken i’m just not okay

i break all promises, promises to myself and promises to everyone else and i just feel like i’m not person-ing well and i need help but then i’ll be okay again in a bit and i’ll think i’m fine and then maybe i’m not i don’t know anything anymore 

and i’m thinking about how i was probably a horrible partner to my ex because of my fluctuating mental state and maybe it was my fault, all of it, all the cheating and lies and everything

i don’t know how to change and i desperately want to change 

and i’m sorry i’m a mess

when i was a bit younger i noticed i was a bit more unstable and mood swingy around my period so i thought it might be PMDD and then my then bf and i talked a lot and we decided it was probably a bad case of PMS but this doesn’t explain now i mean my period’s over i don't know what is wrong with me and i just want to be a person. be a good person too maybe if possible. idk i hate my current state

i hate that i’m crying for help but simultaneously hoping no one notices like i don’t know how to handle people being worried about me because i feel like i’ve failed them and i’m the giver i’m the one who helps and i don’t want to need help like this

and maybe i’ve been crying on and off for half an hour now i’m trying to breathe now 

and i’m still listening to i always wanna die sometimes and “if you can’t survive, just try” and i’m still not okay

do you know that feeling when you’re like an inch away from crying? i’m just trying to breathe and be okay

i’m sorry if you read this i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry 

i hate that i might be seeking attention rather than actually needing it, i make things worse for myself, i don’t know what i’m doing, i’m scared next semester i’ll feel bored of everything i’m studying, i’m scared i don’t know what i’m living for but i’m here damn it i’m not leaving i just gotta find a way to be okay

i’m sorry.