#my plan is to put a mattress topper in the bathroom so i can lie down there

[dutyworn]

i'm super on edge because people are going to come install fire alarms next week and they can't tell me which fucking rooms so not only do i have to assume contamination to all rooms but i also have to hide in the bathroom potentially several hours because that's the only one they wouldn't go in

[worldserasingandcreatinginmymind]

Unfaithful | Part Three

Series Summary: After dreaming of your perfect wedding since you were a little girl the big day is almost here. But after meeting the priest you start to question your relationship.

Pairing: Hot Priest x Fem!Reader

Word Count: 2828

Warnings: abusive behaviour, a lot of angsty stuff, drunken behaviour and a pinch of fluff

A/N: Please be warned there will be some themes of toxic/abusive relationship in this series. Also, spelling and grammar is not my strongest skill so please be kind :)

Part Two | Masterlist

- - - - -

I sit alone on the bench outside the church, looking out at the empty graveyard in front of me. 

The miserable grey clouds above part and bright sunlight beams down to earth, shining on the Priest who is now walking up the path toward me. The light seems to be following him and as he moves closer I realise he’s dressed in a magnificent purple and gold gown. 

“Why are you wearing that?” I ask

“This is what I’m going to wear when I marry you” 

“Wow, I love it! Not sure Daniel will-”

“Who’s Daniel?” He asks and I laugh, but his serious face tells me he’s not joking.

“Daniel? My fiancé, the man I’m getting married to…”

“What are you talking about? You're marrying me remember?” He sits on the bench next to me, taking my hand and showing me the engagement ring on my finger, a ring I’ve never seen before.

“I- I don't understand. We’re engaged?”

“Are you feeling okay? Yes, we’re engaged and in a few weeks we’ll be husband and wife!” He holds my face gently in his hands and looks deeply into my eyes “I love you Y/N!”

He leans in and kisses me passionately.

— — — — 

My eyes shoot open and I realise I’m in bed. It was just a dream. Why do I feel slightly disappointed? 

Every night since that night at the church the Priest has been in my dreams, and every night the theme has been the same; the Priest and I are in love. 

I shake the thought out of my mind and roll over, reaching over to hug my real life fiancé but my arm falls straight down on the mattress. He isn’t there. 

I sit up and reach over to grab my phone off the bedside table. 9:30am! I must have needed that lie in. I roll out of bed, wrap my dressing gown around myself and head down stairs to the kitchen. I need coffee. 

Walking into the kitchen I find Daniel sat at the table waiting for me. 

“Morning!” I greet him cheerfully as I fill up the kettle “coffee?”

“No thanks.” He responds dismissively, changing the subject. “The other day, when I came home from the pub and you stormed out… where did you go?"

“I just went for a walk” I answer honestly

“Where?” 

“I don't know, I just wondered around for a bit and found a bench to sit on” 

“Alone?” 

“Yeah” I lie

“So you sat on a bench in the dark and drank all alone” He places an empty silver and green can on the table and looks at me accusingly, waiting for a response. 

“You went through my bag?” I silently curse myself for not throwing the can away yet.

“I was looking for something”

“What?”

“IT DOESN’T MATTER!” He slams his hand down on the can, crushing it against the table “You met him didn’t you? Father whatever his name is. I saw the same can of G&T in his office”

“Okay fine, yes I saw him. I didn’t plan to. I just went to the church to think. I thought it was empty but he was there and we talked for a bit”

“And drank”

“I was upset so he offered me a drink.”

“And then you lied to me about it” he says, getting up and slowly walking over to me.

“Because I knew you’d overreact!” I respond, poring the boiling water into my cup and stirring the coffee.

“Oh I’m overreacting am I? Tell me, how am I supposed to react when another man flirts with my fiancé in front of my face?”

“He hasn’t flirted with me Daniel, he’s our priest! He’s just trying to get to know us, but you won’t let him!” 

“I don’t want to get to know that creep!” 

“You know what? I can’t be bothered with this right now” I roll my eyes before saying three words I would instantly regret “You're being pathetic” 

I can almost see the red mist in Daniel’s eyes as he grabs my coffee cup and throws the boiling hot contents straight in my face. I suppress a scream as I wipe the coffee from my eyes, the liquid burning my skin. I run upstairs as fast as I can and lock myself in the bathroom, immediately  splashing cold water over myself. I soak a flannel in water and hold it over my face for a few minutes, trying to cool my burning skin. Daniel starts banging on the door, begging me to open up so he can apologise. When he starts to mention his dad I shut out the sound of his voice, choosing to ignore his excuses. I’ve heard them all before. 

When my skin finally starts to feel a little less on fire I remove the flannel and examine my blotchy red face in the mirror. A few small blisters have already started to form on my cheek and down the side of my neck. I bring my hand up to gently touch them, and hiss with pain as eyes instantly fill with tears. I cover my face with the flannel again and sit on the floor, leaning with my back against the door as Daniel continues to talk on the other side. I stay like that for however long it takes for him to finally leave me alone. Once I’m sure he’s gone I go silently to the bedroom, quickly get dressed and go downstairs. As I’m putting my shoes on Daniel comes running to me.

“Where are you going?” 

“To the hospital”

“No no, please- please don’t go. I’m sorry!” He panics.

“I need something to fix this” I argue, gesturing to the blisters and peeling skin.

“I can fix it!”

“Not this time” I walk out the house, slamming the door behind me. I hear it open again and I turn back to glare at Daniel as he’s about to step out. “Leave me alone!” I warn him before walking off, surprised that he actually obeys me for once. I hail a passing taxi and climb in the back. 

“A&E please” I say and he looks at me through the rear view mirror, his eyes widen as he sees the state I’m in but he doesn’t say anything. He just silently drives me where I need to go. 

— — — — 

“And how did this happen?” 

“I was carrying a cup of coffee when I slipped and fell, throwing the whole lot over myself.” I lie as convincingly as possible as the doctor examines my skin “I can be such a clutz sometimes”

I let out a small awkward laugh which the doctor ignores.

“Hm. Well you're lucky, there’s no permanent damage. It will be painful for a few days but it will heal. I’ll prescribe you some cream which will soothe it but in the mean time go home and take it easy. No more ‘accidents’ okay?” 

I can tell by her voice she doesn’t quite believe my story. 

“Thank you doctor” I say, taking the tube of cream off her and walking outside.

As I stand waiting for another taxi I realise, I’m not ready to face going home yet. There’s only one person I really want to see right now. 

— — — — 

Once again I find myself stood outside the big wooden doors of the church, suddenly doubting whether or not I should be here. I know I want to be here but I also know that if Daniel found out it would create yet another drama. I’m so trapped in my own moral dilemma that I don’t hear the footsteps approach behind me. 

“Y/N?”

I spin around to see the Priest walking toward me. His face goes from confusion, to horror as he sees my skin.

“Holy shit! What happened to your face?”

“I don't really wanna talk about it right now”

“Thats okay, you don't have to tell me anything” he smiles a gently smile and my heart flutters.

“I know it’s the middle of the day and you're my priest but… I don't suppose you have any more gin?”

“You’re in luck” his smile turns into a grin as he lifts up the bag in his hand and I hear the sound of cans clattering inside it.

— — — — 

A couple of hours and a few too many drinks later, the Priest and I are ever so slightly drunk and currently laughing about… well I don't actually know what. Everything just seems hilarious after a few cans of G&T. 

“You know, I think I’ve laughed more with you in the past week than I have in the past year with Daniel” I say, as he hands me another can “Maybe if you’d have been the Priest here when I was a teenager I wouldn’t have stopped coming. Teenage Y/N would have loved you. The old Priest just seemed so… judgy. I couldn’t think of anything worse than telling him my sins” 

“Hey that’s reminds me, you’ve never confessed to me! We should it now” 

“Oh no no no, absolutely not”

“Come on! It’ll be fun”

“Fun for you maybe, not for me! You just want to find out all my secrets”

“Of course I do, that’s why I do this job. That and so I can wear the outfits”

“You’re terrible” I laugh, shaking my head at him

“I know! That’s why you can tell me anything and I won’t judge you. I’ve probably done much worse” 

I get an idea. 

“Okay fine. I’ll confess to you. But you have to confess to me in return” 

“That’s not how this works”

“It is now! I’ll tell you my sins and you tell me yours”

“I’m a Priest, I don't sin”

“You're drunk in a church in the middle of the afternoon, pretty sure you're sinning right now”

“Good point” he thinks for a moment before getting up out his chair “okay, deal. Lets do this” 

I follow him out into the main church toward the confession box. He pulls open the curtain and gestures for me to enter. I do and he closes the curtain behind me before getting into the next box. I can just about see him through the holes in the wall. 

“You go first” I say quickly.

“Okay, um… I drink alcohol in my office on a regular basis”

“That’s a boring one!” I wine

“We’ll get to the good stuff eventually. Your turn”

“Fine. When I was 8 I stole a pencil topper from a bitchy girl in school because I liked it and I didn’t think she deserved it”

“A pencil topper? You criminal!” He laughs 

“It was shaped like Mickey Mouse!”

“How are you not in jail yet” he says sarcastically and I can hear the amusement in his voice “My turn. Sometimes when I hear Pam calling for me I hide in here and lie to her about where I am”

“I don't blame you, that woman scares me” 

“Right?! She’s terrifying!” 

We both burst into laughter, and as it dies down I realise it’s my turn again. I take a deep breath and speak again. 

“I lied to my Daniel about being with you the other night because I knew he’d get angry.” 

Without thinking my hand comes up to gently touch the burns on my face as my mind takes me back to the incident this morning. I snap out of it and turn to look at the wall. For a brief second I catch the Priest looking through the hole at me, but he turns to face the front. 

“I broke my vow of celibacy last year”

“I’ve been having inappropriate dreams about another man while laying in the same bed as my fiancé” 

“I’m in love with you” 

“What?” I say, trying to see him through the holes in the wall but he doesn’t look at me. He just stares down at the floor.

“I’m-” he pauses “I love you”

He finally looks up at me, the sudden eye contact almost takes my breath away. I don't know what to say, I’m completely lost for words. The intensity of his dark brown eyes is too much and I’m forced to look away, looking down as I fiddle nervously with the sleeves of my shirt. 

“Y/N?” 

I quickly get up and walk out of the booth, but he stays put. I stand for a moment looking at the curtain, wondering if he’s going to come out. When he doesn’t I realise its up to me to make a choice. 

I could tell the Priest how I feel about him. I could admit that I’ve imagined what it would be like to kiss him, to hold him, to wake up next to him.

Or I could leave right now and pretend none of this happened, go back home to Daniel. The man I’m engaged to marry. The man who I’ve loved since school. The man who, just this morning, threw boiling hot coffee in my face. 

I make a decision. 

I open the curtain to see the priest still sat on the tiny bench, and he looks up at me with wide eyes. He watches as I squeeze into the booth with him, placing my hands on either side of his face. He stands up slowly so our faces are inches apart and slowly moves in. 

“I love you too”

He looks into my eyes one last time before I close the gap, our lips crashing together. I keep expecting to wake up any second now, for this to just be another cruel emotionally confusing dream. 

But this is real. 

I’m kissing a priest. 

Part Four

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_domestic_violence_hotlines

[maddiwrites]

Gut Feeling

Pairing: John B Routledge x Routledge!Reader (Sibling Dynamic)

Summary: (Requested) As your older brother, John B tends to decide what he thinks is best for the two of you. Disregarding your concerns about Ward Cameron, John B decides it would be best for the two of you to accept Ward’s offer to be your guardian. Later, John B learns that he should he really trust his sister’s instincts.

Note: I linked the request in the summary. I’ll be honest I don’t think I did your request justice but I tried really hard to put my head where yours was at! Hopefully you like it! Let me know!! 

Word Count: 3.8k

You and you brother are closer than most siblings. You think it’s because of how you were raised. Your mom abandoned you at a young age and your dad was inevitably neglectful from working back and forth between two jobs and spending most of his free time researching the Royal Merchant. That left you and John B to mostly fend for yourselves. With John B being a year older, you looked up to him as your best friend and protector. 

Due to the spike in conflict between you, the Pogues, and the Kooks, and now the square groupers coming for blood because of your dad’s compass, you’re constantly seeking comfort in your brother’s side, feeling unsafe whenever you’re not around him. It wasn’t always this way. But now that you know your dad most likely didn’t disappear on his own, and people are looking for you and your brother for the compass, you felt scared and alone. The police won’t help because they think you’re nothing but a couple of trouble makers living on the Cut. Now you’re spending the summer fearing every day for you life. 

It didn’t help that John B found himself in a scuffle with Topper and his girlfriend. Fighting with a couple of teenage Kooks should be the least of your problems, yet here you are, sitting on the edge of John B’s hospital bed.

Sarah’s here too and you wonder how deep her connection is with your brother. From what you know, they’ve only started hanging out a couple of days ago. And she’s still in a relationship with Topper, the kid who almost killed your brother. 

“John B,” You say sheepishly, feeling weird and shy with Sarah being in the room. Like you feel forgotten. “We should go before DCS finds us here.”

John B nods. “Okay, grab my stuff in the closet over there.”

You nod and turn to grab his clothes that the nurses stuffed in a transparent plastic bag. 

“Wait, maybe you should...” Sarah tries stopping John B out of concern for his well being. He was just diagnosed with a severe concussion and a broken wrist. She didn’t know how well he would do on his feet. 

“Hold on there, sport,” Ward Cameron walks in with his hands tucked into his pocket and a smirk on his lips. 

“Mr. Cameron...” John B says apprehensively and glances between him and Sarah. “What are you doing here?”

Ward explains that Sarah told him everything - how John B landed in the hospital because he was defending Sarah. How he was wrong for firing John B when he was honest with him from the get-go. 

“I’d like to make up for it if you let me,” Ward says, peaking your interest. “I talked to Sheriff Peterkin...and I’ve offered to be your legal guardian if you’ll have me.”

You swallow nervously and turn to John B for some insight as to what he was thinking. Something unsettling rolled in the pit of your stomach. Your instinct has always been to never trust a Kook. They only look out for themselves. It’s just how it goes on this island. Therefore, you can’t help but question Ward’s intention. Why would he take in two more kids when he already had three. 

John B looks between Sarah and Ward, but not you, and smiles at the offer. “Yeah, sure. Uh, sounds good.”

“John -”

“Okay,” Ward claps and cuts you off. “Then it’s settled. Welcome to the family.”

Sarah smiles excitedly down at your brother who offers the same grin. You feel Ward’s eyes on the side of your head as you look at the ground, suddenly feeling anxious about your new situation. Something didn’t feel right. You had a gut feeling. And usually, your gut is never wrong.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Ward sets the two of you up in a room on the first floor. Until his second guest room is ready, you were asked to share a room with John B for the time being. Of course, you had no problem doing this. In fact, you wanted this, afraid of what might happen if you and John B were ever separated. You already felt a wall slipping in between you two. And that wall was Sarah Cameron. You didn’t want to thicken that separation even further. 

It sounds crazy, but that’s just how scared you were. 

“I don’t know about this, John B,” You say softly as the two of you unpack most of what you were able to bring from the Chateau. 

“Why? It’s a roof over our head, in Figure Eight, no less. The guy may be an arrogant douche, but he’s not evil,” John B says. He didn’t understand why you were so hesitant to move in when the other alternative is to keep running from DCS. 

“I don’t know. I just have a feeling...” You trail off when you come across a picture of you, John B, and your dad in a frame you tucked into your luggage. You focus on your dad’s smile and wonder what he would think of this - living on Figure Eight, pretending to be a Kook. “Just don’t leave me alone with him.”

“I won’t. I promise.”

Little did you know, Ward was eavesdropping right outside the room. He was about to check up on the both of you when he heard you talking. 

He clenches his teeth together and curses to himself. He didn’t like that you were apprehensive about his intentions - wondering just how far you were willing to divulge into your gut feeling. 

He pulls out his phone and texts the people working for him that are responsible for getting your room together, asking them to speed up the process for a bigger pay. Getting the two of you apart would be better for him, thinks.

After he sends the message, he walks into the room and greets the two fo you. He notices your small side step closer to John B, hiding half your body behind his back. You were shy, he notes, which makes him feel a little better about the situation. But how long until you convince John B or your other friends about him?

“Good news,” Ward says, looking at you. “Just got word from the interior designers. They think they can have your room ready by the weekend.”

“Oh,” You say and glance up at your brother. “That’s okay. I don’t mind staying in here.”

“Oh come on. What teenager doesn’t want their own room?” Ward says. When you open your mouth to defend yourself, he cuts you off, deciding to use the guilty trip instead. “I think you’ll like it. These people spend a lot of time and effort into making it perfect. Rose and Sarah even helped.”

Of course that did it for you. You didn’t want to come off as ungrateful or rude by saying you still didn’t want the room. After all, so many people were involved in getting it perfect for you. And it’s probably going to be the best room you’ve ever had. 

“Okay...” You say quietly. 

“Great,” Ward claps his hands, feeling a weight lifted off his shoulders. The quicker he can keep you two apart, the better. “I’ll leave you two to unpacking. Dinner should be ready soon.”

When he walks out of the room, John B turns to look at you and says, “See? Harmless.”

Ward hears this and smirks to himself as he walks down the hallway.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

First night in your new room and it’s exactly how you expected it to be. Huge, beautiful, and filled with an abundance of new clothes and high tech furniture. In any other home, you’d be basking in the new luxuries presented to you, but right now, it felt like you were laying on a stack of needles. 

You couldn’t sleep, constantly feeling like you were being watched. You kept looking at the ceiling, checking every corner for cameras or microphones. You flinch with each creak in the hardwood floor, even though it was probably only Sarah and Wheezie walking down the hall to use the bathroom.  

Your heart was pounding in your chest and you began to sweat. Something didn’t feel right. You didn’t care if anyone in this house called you crazy. You knew something was wrong. 

So you pick up your pillow and quietly open your door. You check the dark hallway for any sign of late night stragglers, then quickly tip toe downstairs to your brother’s room. 

You tap on the door almost silently before opening it a crack. John B picks his head up, squinting at the light peaking into his room. 

“Johnny...” You whisper. 

“What?” His voice is groggy with sleep. 

“I can’t sleep.”

John B grunts and rolls over to the opposite side of the bed and pats his hand on the open mattress next to him. “Get in.”

You quickly close the door behind you and hide yourself under his covers. A shy blush rushes up to your cheeks in embarrassment, hating how dependent you felt on your brother. “Thank you.”

“Just don’t hog all the covers this time,” John B smirks in his pillow, making you kick him playfully in the thigh. “Ow!”

“Shh!” 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Later that week, you, the Pogues, and Sarah found the gold in a hidden well tucked under the Crain house. Excitement and glee overwhelmed you. You finally felt like you were getting somewhere and finishing what your dad started. 

On your way home - home being Figure Eight - Ward walks out to greet the three of you after overhearing some of your conversation. Immediately the three you stop talking and pretend like you didn’t just make the biggest discovery of your life. 

“Hey,” Ward greets them. “Where have you guys been?” He didn’t expect you guys to tell him, but he wanted to see just how far he was able to push you. The plan was to get you to trust him, well, maybe not you. He figured you were too far confident in your decision not to trust him. John B’s visions, however, may be a little clouded still.

He listened to Sarah and John B lie about spending the day on the beach and visiting Kie at the Wreck. He observed the way you wouldn’t make eye contact with him and how you hid yourself behind Sarah and John B. You still didn’t trust him. And that put him on edge.

“You know, I was thinking about taking the boat out early tomorrow morning. Why don’t you join me? My buddy brought home a thirty pound striper just the other day.”

“Tomorrow?” John B scratches his head awkwardly. Tomorrow, the six of you were supposed to pull out the rest of the gold. “I don't know...”

“Oh come on. What else you have going on?” Ward smirks. “I’m sure Sarah and Y/N can survive a couple hours without you.”

“Um...” You say quietly. You don’t know how your feel about Ward taking John B out with nothing but open water surrounding them. 

“We’ll celebrate your freedom from DCS,” Ward says, again using the guilt trip, reminding John B of what Ward did for them.

John B sighs, knowing he did owe Ward everything. “Okay. Yeah. Sure.”

“Okay. It’s settled then,” Ward smiles, feeling a sense of accomplishment that his neck plan was in motion. “I won’t hold you up any longer. Go on and do whatever you kids do.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

The next morning, you wake up to John B’s alarm on the nightstand.The clock reads 3:15 A.M. and you heart immediately races with anxiety. You squeeze the covers around you in your fists and sit up as soon as John B does.

“Johnny -”

“You’ll be fine, Y/N,” John B sighs. You don’t know if he sounds tired or annoyed, but it makes you cower into yourself. 

“What if I came with you?” You whisper. 

“He didn’t ask you. He asked me,” John B says, somewhat enjoying the idea of being alone with Ward. It would give him a chance to really bond with his girlfriend’s father. To be more than just an employee to him. “Why are you so afraid of him?”

“There’s just something about him...” You trail off. “I don’t trust him. And I don’t like that we’re going to be apart.”

“You’re going to have to learn to live without me by your side 24/7 eventually. I can’t baby you all the time.”

“Baby me?” You repeat with a glare. The pit in your stomach grows with swirling nausea.

“Yeah. I get that I’m your older brother and all and I’m supposed to protect you, but you have to learn to take of yourself too.”

“I can take care of myself,” You say, but you don’t know who you’re trying to convince. Him or you.

“Then you should be fine without me today,” John B says before walking out the door to use the bathroom. “Now, go back to sleep. I’ll catch up with you guys later. If anything happens, just call me or the Pogues.”

You drop your head onto your pillow and let out a big huff of disappointment. Nonetheless, you shut your eyes and try to get a few more hours of sleep knowing you need to be well rested before pulling up hundred pounds of gold later tonight.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

When you woke up, Sarah was gone. She had to take Wheezie to her surfing lesson because Rose had a couple of her friends over for brunch served with expensive champagne and fruit cocktails. 

You hid yourself away in your room for most of the day, only letting yourself out when your stomach began to grumble and the sound of gossip disintegrated into nothing as the ladies left one by one.

You were constantly checking your phone, making sure John B never tried to call you with horrible news. You tried taking deep breaths throughout the day, telling yourself there was nothing to worry about. If John B felt safe, you should too, right?

Around 1 P.M., Rose walked into the kitchen after taking what sounded like a long phone call upstairs. You could tell something was wrong. She looked stressed, but you figured it was due to a lost pearl earring or dinner plans getting canceled. 

When you met her gaze, you offered a smile and quietly continued to bite on your toast. She grinned back, although her’s felt force. You didn’t want to pry, only for the sole fact that you didn’t think you could feign interest in whatever the hell was bothering her today.

“Everything okay?” You eventually ask her. 

“Yes,” She says. “That was Sarah. Her sister forgot a towel for her lessons. Do you mind going upstairs to grab one for me while I find my keys? They’re in the closet. Last door at the end of the hallway.”

You nod, not wanting to set the already high strung lady off even more. 

You follow her directions to the end of the hall to the linen closet that was bigger than your regular closet back at the Chateau. You look around for the beach towels next to the bath towels, but seem to come up empty. No way Rose would let one of her white stainless fluffy towels out in the sunlight. 

“Which towels were you -” You freeze when the door behind you shuts and you hear the sound of a lock being turned. You swivel on your heels and twist on the door knob but it barely moves. Your heart races in your chest and you bang your fists against the wooden door. “Hey! Hey!” 

“Sorry, dear,” You hear Rose say on the other side. She doesn’t sound as tense, more like a weight has been lifted off her shoulders. 

“What are you doing? Let me out!”

“I’m sorry it had to come to this,” Rose says. “You and your brother have left us with no other choice.”

Your blood turns to ice from your head down to your toes, going numb with all thoughts and movements, thinking about John B still alone with Ward somewhere out in the middle of the ocean. 

“What are you talking about?” Your voice isn’t as loud, lost somewhere in the shock and disbelief. “Where’s John B?”

“You’ll see him soon. Probably with your father too I suppose.”

You brows furrow together in confusion as you listen to her six inch heels trail off down the hall and stairs. Your disbelief turns into fear and ice turns into boiling blood. You pound you fists against the door, twist and pull at the door knob, and scream at the top of your lungs for her to let you out. 

You think about her words. John B and your dad. Could it be your dad has been alive all this time? Or did she mean something so completely opposite that it threatened both you and your brother?

You slap the door one last time, feeling exhausted and burned out. You fall against one of the shelves and cry into your hands, barely able to come up for another breath as sobs wrack through your entire body. 

You don’t know how long you sit there. Without a window or your phone for that matter - you think you left it back downstairs - you can’t tell the time of day. For all you know, it’s about midnight and John B is dead alongside your father. 

Your head falls back with a heavy sigh. That’s when you look up and see a square cut out in the ceiling. An attic. 

You move quickly, pushing all the towels and bed sheets off the shelves. Heaving yourself up, using the shelves and the wall, you move the square ceiling tile to the side and use the open edges to pull yourself up. 

The attic is about twenty degrees hotter and thick with humid. You hike over the luxurious items they consider “storage” to get to the single window. The sun is still up but slowly moving closer to the water. 

The window is stuck with paint and takes a couple tries to push it up. The fresh breeze hits your face immediately, sending goosebumps up your arms and neck. You push your head out the window. About 8 feet below is a balcony outside the master bedroom. Its a big jump with a high chance you’ll break your ankle, but anything is better than waiting to see what Ward and Rose plan to do to you. 

You pull yourself over the window sill and dangle by your arms. Taking a deep breath, you drop to the balcony with a thump that sends a shock up your legs from your ankle. 

“Shit,” You curse to yourself. 

“What was that?” You hear Ward’s voice from the other side of the french doors that lead to his bedroom. 

“Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,” You mumble, already pulling yourself over the balcony, the only way to get away. 

You look down before letting go of the ledge, falling straight down on the lawn, this time rolling your right ankle at an awkward angle.

“Motherfu-”

“Y/N?” Ward looks down from the balcony with wide eyes when he sees you curled into yourself on the ground below him. 

With big eyes, you run far away from the house as fast as you can. A small limp in your foot slows you down, but you refuse to look back and see if anyone is following you.

You don’t know where you’re going, only that you need to find John B wherever he might be. 

You run through the woodsy area, hoping to use the trees as camouflage. Fallen  branches scratch at your legs, your ankle is aching, and your muscles are on fire. You can barely see your through your teary eyes. You’re crying but you don’t know why - was it the wind? Anxiety? Fear? Grief?

You know you’re getting closer to the Cut when Ms. Lana’s street comes to view on your right. You think about running up to her front door, asking for help. She’s always looked out for you and you have a sick thought that she might know more about this because of her husband. 

Lost in your own thoughts, you don’t realize someone’s coming up behind you until two hands grab at your shoulders to turn you around. 

A straggled scream rips through your throat and you immediately claw at the hands that touch you. Your first thought is that it’s Ward and he’s caught up to you. You don't know what his plans are for you, but Rose didn’t make them sound promising. 

“Hey, Y/N, hey. It’s me! It’s me!” 

You look up at the voice you know so well that instantly helps you calm down. John B, damp and smelling like the marsh, is arms length from you, watching you with big eyes and a heaving chest as he tries catching his own breath. 

“John B?” You say.

“Yeah. It’s me. You’re okay. It’s me.” When John B sees you physically relax, he pulls you in to a tight hug and you can hear his heart thumping against his ribcage. 

The second he learned what Ward did to your father, he tried getting away. And when he did, he immediately thought of you. What was going to happen to you - what if Ward gets to you first? He was on his way to Figure Eight when he saw you. 

When you physically calm down, John B pulls away and says, “You were right. I’m sorry. I should have listened to you. Ward - he killed Dad. He’s gone. I’m sorry.”

You cry harder for your dad, for John B, for your future. Just when you thought life was looking better, it came crumbling down. 

“I’m gonna fix this. I swear to you. I’m not going to let him get away with this,” John B says, bending down to look you in the eyes. “And I’m not going to let anyone hurt you ever again. Okay? Look at me.” You force yourself to look at him and notice he’s on the verge of tears himself. “I’m going to take care of this.”

“How?” Your voice cracks.

John B has an idea in his head, but he knows you’ll never allow him to go through with it if you knew. “Do you trust me?”

You swallow the lump in your throat and reluctantly nod. “Yeah.”

“Good. We’re gonna go back to the Chateau, okay? Are you hurt? Are you able to walk there with me?” You nod. “Good,” He says. “Okay.”

“John B are you sure about this?” You ask apprehensively.

“I failed as your older brother once. I’m not going to do it again. Okay?”

You reluctantly nod. “Okay.”

“Good. Let’s go.”

[arabellaflynn]

Life continues. Kind of.

I have a place to go as of this end of this month, although I still have no idea how the fuck to move my stuff during Plague Times. I don't own that much, but I also don't have a car. I am tempted to not bother moving the mattress, but I am very much afraid that if I don't I will literally never manage to own a comfortable bed ever again. Being someone who discombobulates joints on a regular basis, not being in extra pain every time I wake up is kind of important for my quality of life. I could eventually figure out how to replace the futon I use as a topper, but a futon alone is not enough padding -- I've learned the hard way that I can very much feel the hard floor or the hard pipes of a futon frame through one of those things, and it is Not Good for my sleep. 

Massachusetts is, as of this writing, continuing with their re-opening plan. We've hit the phase where the dance studio has been cleared for operation, with appropriate procedures. I'm going back. Like millions of other people, I have a job that I cannot properly do without at least some access to specialized work spaces. In my case, dance is also a substitute for physical therapy that is far more expensive and difficult to access than it ought to be. I've kept myself in reasonably good nick over the past four months, but there's a lot that I just can't do. Two of three housemates work from home, both involving teleconferencing, and I can't get to the bathroom or kitchen without going through the common spaces, so I'm more or less stuck in my bedroom during working hours. There's nothing I can use as a barre in here, and not enough room to spin, kick, or use props without whacking something, and I'm not sadistic enough to do anything rambunctious in the kitchen at 2 am.

Not gonna lie, it's reassuring that one of the instructors who opted to come back is actually an MD moonlighting as a dancer. His day job is with Harvard Public Health. Masks are required, but since we've dropped the standard from "filter virus particles" to "try not to breathe too moistly on your fellow man", I've got some I can deal with. (Moisture-wicking t-shirt fabric! The mask eventually gets damp, but it stays away from both other people and my own personal face, which is what you want.) It's not fun but I also didn't pass out during class, so that's something.

Other people are freaking the fuck out. I want it noted that what MA is doing is exactly the thing I have been advocating for months: Giving people the option (but not the requirement) to go out into the world and interact with others, with harm reduction practices. You cannot keep people locked in their houses forever. You can issue the order, but they're not going to do it. Counting on "never go out" to stop the spread of coronavirus is like counting on "never have sex" to stop the spread of HIV. You can try to apply official consequences, and unofficial shaming, but people are going to sneak out and fuck anyway. They just won't tell you. And, as we are now finding out for unrelated reasons, there do not exist enough police officers in the world to make everyone do as you say.

Everyone is aware of the assholes who think the very concept of a mask is an infringement of their human rights, but I find the pathologically cautious almost as upsetting. There is a loud minority who think nothing should re-open at all anywhere until it's "safe". I'm not sure what they think "safe" means. No chance of catching anything ever? That level of safety never existed. You just don't think about measels and MRSA and TB and tularemia and Lyme disease because those are normal risks that have been around all your life. Leprosy continues to be a thing, you know. I went to college on the edge of the Colorado Plateau, where bubonic plague and hantavirus are endemic. I could argue that if you never got a warning letter about mono or meningitis when you were in the dorms, you didn't have the full residential campus experience. Wash your hands, keep your distance, try not to breathe on other people, and realize that you cannot control every single variable in the entire universe. There is a non-zero chance that Fate will kick you in the head every time you get out of bed in the morning. I am a pedestrian in Greater Boston, ffs, I have accepted my own mortality. You can't be "totally safe". You can be "safe enough".

The Late Show is back from hiatus. Colbert is badly in need of a haircut; he slicked it back on the first Monday but opined that the look was a little too "Don Jr" for him, and vowed to come on camera without hairspray after that. Judging from the headbanging a couple nights later, he meant it. He did the first few home tapings in a suit (although, as he demonstrated to camera, no shoes), but then Twitter told him they'd rather see him more casual, so he's been wearing button-ups with the sleeves rolled to the elbow. Gray has started to come in at his temples. I'm sure he could fix that at home if he really wanted to, but he's opted to point it out on camera instead.

He's even more contemptuous of 45 than he was when they were still taping in the theater, which I was not sure was physically possible. Our TV comedians are making stirring speeches about working together whilst our actual President babbles nonsense about dishwashers. I want to ask how this happened but I'm pretty sure I know. People who have no good options have been known to choose the bad option that takes the enemy down with them. Although I feel the need to point out that Joe Exotic also ran for POTUS in 2016. We all started quarantine watching Tiger King on Netflix and the Drumpf debacle on CSPAN -- if we had all voted for the other reality TV idiot, we could potentially have 100% juicier sex scandals and 100% less interference with the CDC right now.

I wonder how Colbert is coping with all this. When he first took over the Late Show, he did a bunch of interviews where he talked about the difficulty of finding a balance between being your authentic self on stage, and still being performative enough to read well to the back of the house and keep the show rolling along. If he made great strides in his first year out of character, quarantine production has sent him into freefall in the same direction. I find it disquietingly relevant to my own life. I'm about to embark on a couple of projects that will mean I have to stay physically and mentally camera-ready, or at least ready to be camera-ready, pretty much all the time for a while, but first I have to figure out what I think camera-ready looks like for me, and how much work I'm willing to put into it. 

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[lettersfromhav]

college advice from someone who’s been on both sides of it

So I'm finishing up my Ph.D. and preparing to depart for the real world (no, just kidding, I'm going to be in school forever, only in a different capacity) and I thought I'd put together a list of some college tips to share with you all. I graduated with my B.A. in 2012, magna cum laude, with 2 majors, 1 honours thesis, 2 on-campus jobs, and 3 music things. Since then, I've gone to grad school and also taught six semesters of first-year seminars. Now I'm going on the job market for teaching positions. All of this means that I've seen both sides of the college experience, as a student and as an instructor. There are a lot of great & useful college advice posts going around studyblr this time of here, and I wanted to add my own. I hope it’s useful. So here we go, with a “read more” because it’s long (sorry if you’re on mobile):

academics

find your classrooms ahead of time (profs' offices too)

figure out how long it will take you to walk between places

figure out where your best seat will be & claim it

say hi to the people next to you, learn their names

take notes in class

take advantage of extra credit

try your best not to fall asleep in class (and if you do fall asleep, apologise to the prof afterwards)

bring your glasses if you need them, don't be stubborn about it

check out the library, wander in the stacks, talk to the librarians

figure out how & where to print

buy used books/textbooks, or rent them, but be careful with ebooks (some profs don't allow them)

plan breaks into your class schedule, or block everything together, whichever works best for you

work out the pros & cons of 8am classes and/or night classes

plan ahead – have a planner, put things in it, do them

fake deadlines are a thing (write down earlier deadlines, trick yourself into meeting them, bask in satisfaction)

grades won’t be what they were in high school

keep in mind GPA values: a 3.5 will see you graduating with honours

be nice to the departmental administrative staff, thank them for helping you (even with small things)

office hours versus emailing profs: both will get your questions answered (probably) but if you can go and talk in person, do it

profs & TAs are people too, they have lives, they have bad days

if something comes up, talk to your prof, be honest but don't overshare, just show them you're trying

on that note, try

ask friends and especially older students for opinions about profs when you're deciding on your classes, but also check things out yourself  

if your profs invite you to dinner/coffee/events, show up

unless the prof is not a good person, in which case AVOID and spread the word to your friends

if your friends spread this word to you, believe them

if you end up with a prof that your intuition tells you “no” about, trust that intuition

switch classes, talk to the dept. head, talk to the dean, do whatever you need to do

also document everything (save emails, screenshot things, write it down)

also “confidentiality” might be a lie, even if they tell you that your report is confidential (at my undergrad, only the counseling center & chaplain's offices were truly confidential, and even then only if there was no immediate threat)

the above isn't meant to scare you, just make you aware – statistically, you'll probably meet some people you'll wish you hadn't met, so take care of yourself and know your options

you might change your major a few times and that's ok

if it takes you more than 4 years to graduate, that's ok too

it's not the end of the world if you get a bad grade

it's not the end of the world if you need tutoring

tutoring is awesome & you should take advantage of it, especially if it's free -- campus writing centers are great too

it's not even the end of the world if you have to withdraw from a class, or take a leave of absence

keep at it & you will be fine

food

remember to eat

be nice to the dining hall staff (and all campus staff, especially maintenance/facilities, they are the ones who can help you out)

figure out how to discreetly take food from the dining hall (dry cereal, fruit, a sandwich, not entire pantries please)

keep snacks in your room (and don't eat them all at once)

fruits & vegetables are your friends

you all know this already but stay hydrated

take advantage of free food events on campus (my undergrad had a twitter dedicated to this)

sometimes religious organisations will host them – you can go even if you're not religious, just be polite

find a coffeeshop & be nice to the baristas, tip if you can

but also take it easy on the coffee consumption, you only have one heart

you still have to eat even if you get sick – at least what one of my family members calls the “BRAT diet” (bread, rice, applesauce, tea) until you feel better

if you have allergies, talk to the dining hall staff and explain your situation, ask them for advice & they should be able to help you out

if you feel pressured to diet or lose weight, 1) leave those people, and 2) eat what's right for your body

housing

make a roommate contract (rules for lights on/off, quiet hours, temperature control, guests, cleaning, locked doors, etc.)

don't lose your keys, but also don't wear a lanyard (carabiner inside a backpack pocket is a good plan)

unless lanyards are your thing, in which case, go for it

don't overspend on décor/bedding, go basic & minimal (rooms are small)

figure out how much sleep you need & get it, and try to stick to a routine

bring a padlock or two and some cable, use if it you feel you need to – also, laptop locks are under-rated, get one

bring a mirror, a lamp, and possibly a comfortable desk chair

extension cords with surge protectors are the way to go

if you want to bring a stuffed animal or something just bring it, don't worry about it not being “cool”

bring clothing that makes you feel like yourself when you wear it

get a plant or two and try not to kill it

open floor space creates the illusion of a bigger room

find out how to take out your trash & then actually do it

keep a few basic cleaning supplies in your room (Clorox or Lysol wipes will take care of almost anything in a dorm room, plus maybe a vacuum)

if you have white towels and white sheets, you can wash them together & add a little bleach, they will always look clean

lofted beds look nice but are a pain to change sheets on, just fyi

invest in a mattress topper (I say “invest”; mine was foam and like $20, no need to get super fancy)

if your mattress really is crap, talk to facilities about your options

invest in good headphones (this may actually be an investment)

bring a few favourite non-academic books to keep in your room for when you need a break from school reading

co-ed bathrooms might be a thing, it will be fine

if it's not fine, report it (RA, residence life, campus security) – be safe, kids

shower sandals are your friend – you might also want regular slippers

don't sexile your roommate – that's just rude, it's their room too, they're paying for housing just like you

if you are the one sexiled, have a conversation about it (after the fact, when everyone is clothed again) and lay out the rules

get your RA involved if need be, you have a right to your own room

don't hole up in your room all the time, but also don't be afraid to retreat back to it when you need to

if you have an apartment: 

know what the deal is on how/when to pay rent, utilities, etc.; take photos for your security deposit; say hi to your neighbours even if you're not friends; have a basic toolkit; write down the non-emergency numbers for local police & fire and post them on your fridge; learn the system for taking out trash (dumpster, trash tags, etc.); make sure you know parking rules if you have a car; check your mail every day so it doesn't pile up; clean regularly

you will not survive college without a good living situation, so do whatever you need to do to make that happen

life

don't be afraid to do things alone

don't be afraid to fake-date your friends in order to get free stuff (for example, my undergrad had some free “couples” events on Valentine’s Day that a friend & I took advantage of a few times)

keep an eye out for dogs on campus & pet them (unless they're service dogs and hard at work, in which case admire from afar)

get a backpack that's comfortable to wear & can hold what you need

send postcards to your friends at other colleges (getting mail is surprisingly nice)

learn how to do laundry before you go to college

find the gym & use it (if it's free)

find the campus health clinic & use it (especially if it's free or low-cost)

don't leave your things unattended in the library even if it seems safe

learn how to use your local public transportation, if it exists

explore your town/city, bring friends along

bring a bicycle if you can and if your campus isn't entirely hills

if you have a car: wash it from time to time, keep the gas tank at least half full, get a snow shovel and keep it in your trunk (climate depending)

have at least one warm jacket, and one rain jacket (climate depending)

have good shoes, possibly boots – you'll likely be walking a lot

take early morning walks with friends (but be safe about it) and then go to breakfast together

find a playground & use it

go into campus buildings that you otherwise wouldn’t and explore – find new study spaces, cool art, comfortable chairs, who knows what

check out campus museums

join clubs you will actually enjoy, or that have people you want to spend time with

you can quit clubs at any time

you can change your mind any time – show up to an event, don't like it, leave, it's fine

you can also make up things if you need an excuse to leave -- no one will know, you are the master of your own schedule in college

there's something weirdly wonderful about showering at 5pm with the windows open, just saying

if you're queer and want to come out, come out; if not, no pressure

if you do, be careful about who you come out to, and what gets spread on social media -- look out for yourself

also your campus almost certainly has an lgbtq resource center so maybe use it (mine was a subset of the women's center)

if you came out using a term that then stops working for you, you're allowed to change your terms

don't drink too much, look out for your friends, tip $1 per drink, figure out which bar is least sketchy (also most sketchy – and then avoid that one)

the least sketchy bar is possibly going to be the place your profs hang out -- do the casual nod/wave to say hi if you see them, don’t just ignore them, but then get back to your friends

be super careful of what/how much you drink at house parties since you probably don’t know what you’re actually drinking

don't give in to pressure to be sexually active if it's not your thing

if it is your thing, still don't give into pressure, and also use protection every single time

enthusiastic consent is a thing, check in with your partner, make sure you're both good

get to know people in years both above and below yours

save people's numbers, names, birthdays in your phone

take photos with your friends & save them too

listen to your college’s radio station (maybe even DJ for them)

call your parents or family of choice from time to time, or at least text them

watch whatever will fit your mood and don't worry about what anyone thinks: childhood movies, HGTV, YouTube, whatever

in general don't worry so much about what people think, everyone is mostly a mess anyway

so try to be patient with people, and with yourself

survival kit: full water bottle (maybe one with a filter if your tap water is bad), gum or mints, lip balm, a pen, ibuprofen/advil, some cash

do what you want to do, within reason – you're an adult now and can make your own choices, so make good choices and be the person you want to be

[xollos]

can i just bitch about my health for a second? i don’t want attention or sympathy, i just want to bitch. because this past year has been a bitch for me. here’s where i’m at right now.

i’ve never been a great sleeper, but april 2016 saw me hitting some new lows. since then, with very, very few exceptions, i lie awake for hours when i go to bed. it doesn’t matter what time it is, what time i need to wake up, how much sleep i got the night before, how much melatonin i try to take, what i’ve eaten, how active i am, anything. i don’t like caffeinated drinks, even. there’s no fucking good reason for it. it’s just me in my bed, tossing and turning for hours. 

sometimes there’s just nothing i can do about it. sometimes changing just the right thing can do the trick. for a month straight i literally couldn’t sleep unless i was laying with my head at the foot of my bed. by the next month i had habitually started sleeping at the foot of my bed, until this particular sleep habit reversed. it’s fitful sleep, with vivid and often disturbing dreams. i wake up a lot. 

i never get enough sleep. right now its just before 2 am. i anticipate it will be at least another 2 hours before i actually drift off. i went to bed at 12:30. 

i still set an alarm for class. i prepare for the day ahead, packing my bags and setting things out so i can grab them quickly in the morning. i put my phone across the room so i have to get up to turn off the alarm. it never works. even waking up at 1 pm is difficult and exhausting. 

that’s another thing- i have never been one for naps, ever. for most of my life i would have on average 1 nap a year, and only after a very late night or a very early morning. but last september, that changed. i started falling asleep in the middle of the day. i started missing class, something i never did except for the very occasional mental health day. but i started missing classes left and right.

it’s hard when i first wake up. my body feels like it’s made of cement, like someone turned the gravity all the way up. i can’t move. all i can do is shuffle across the room, turn the alarm off, and flop back into bed. i want to go to class. i want to learn, and be productive, and get feedback, and see my classmates, and stay on track, and get good grades, and graduate on time. every morning i would mentally scream at myself to get up and go to class. it stopped working a long time ago. 

now i wake up at 1 or 1:30 or so and try to force myself to not go back to sleep. my body is heavy. my muscles ache, like i ran a race the day before or something. i can’t move. i stare at the dumb ceiling or scroll through tumblr. i usually have to go to the bathroom. it usually takes an hour to summon enough energy to actually go and do it. i brush my teeth. i take my medicine. the energy i’ve worked up is expended. i flop back into bed, exhausted. my day has begun. it’s almost 3pm.

the last thing i ate was probably about 10pm at the very latest the night before, but i’m not hungry. i’ll eat a bowl of cereal or something in a little while.

even if going to class is about as doable for me as running all the way to pluto, i still want to be productive, and do at least something. finals are here. i have 2 portfolios to organize, a powerpoint, a test, and a very long email full of the work i’ve had to do outside of class because i haven’t been in weeks. i hope it’s enough to be able to not fail. i know what i want to do. i know what i need to include, the details, everything. i’ve got it all planned. there are some personal pieces i’ve been wanting to make. i could at least do that.

but i can’t. my mind is hazy. it’s all static. i dumbly scroll through tumblr all day long. the whole time i’m going through my to do list. i want to complete it and to not have to worry about it anymore. i can’t summon the energy, mental clarity, or motivation. this is new. i was able to do at least something up until last week. i heard that the symptoms of bpd, add, and autism often overlap one another. i thought i had bpd (i’m not so sure now), i was tested (inconclusively) for add, and people have told me i could be autistic. i don’t know what to do to fix my mental state.

i lie in bed all day. i have a couch but it’s uncomfortable when i’m like this. i get up to use the bathroom, but that’s about it. i take a shower automatically at night, so at least there’s that. if i had to think about it, i probably wouldn’t do it. i sweep the floor to at least do something. my muscles still ache with every movement.

i had a seizure back in september. i had a few fainting spells last spring and summer. the first neurologist i went to said it was epilepsy. the second isn’t so sure. he thought it could be something to do with my heart. i had a tilt table test. i fainted 3 minutes into it. they said i was dehydrated. when you faint, your brain is deprived of blood, and your body twitches. did i have a seizure last september? i was sitting down, getting my hair cut. it seems odd that i would faint like that. i had had wine the night before the test. was i hung over? i’ve never been hungover before, and i’ve had way more wine with way less food. i got a headache and puked. hangover or because i fainted? both? i screwed up the test for myself.

it feels like i’ve been sabotaging myself a lot lately, what with me wanting to get things done and not being able to do it. i have the pleasure of being deprived of the opportunity to be in the senior art show because the students organizing it put the announcements for it on the facebook page for the department, which got buried under links to artists i don’t particularly care about made by professors, which is why i don’t look at the facebook page to begin with. if i wasn’t sick, i would have been able to go to class, and maybe my teachers would have talked about it. its so, so hard to do anything but i also feel like i’m not trying hard enough. how hard do you have to try to accomplish the impossible?

my parents are angry that i’m not going to class. i tell them i can’t physically move, and all they say is that i just have to Do It. if it worked like that, i would have Done It. 

over the winter i slept up to 15 hours a day. even now it’s hard not to drift off to sleep in the middle of the afternoon, but i try to keep myself awake. i can’t think of a way it would be beneficial, otherwise it would be so easy to stop fighting it off.

the only time it’s hard to sleep now is when i’m actually trying to. all day i lie in bed, comfortable. my mattress is soft, and i have a mattress topper to soften it even more. at night, i might as well be sleeping on a boulder. it becomes so hard and unforgiving. my left leg, which is fine during the day, starts aching, so i can’t sleep on my left side. after a while my right side starts aching, since all my weight is rested on it and i cant roll over onto my left side because of my stupid left leg. for a while propping it up on a couch cushion helped, and it’s still better than nothing, but it’s not enough to prevent pain. i don’t sleep on my back or stomach. my right arm and shoulder especially start to hurt. i wish i could pop my arms off like a barbie doll, because anything past the shoulder isn’t compatible with whatever sleeping configuration my body needs. it still hurts.

i sleep with two pillows. sometimes i can only get to sleep when i have only one, and sometimes i can’t sleep unless my head is sandwiched between both of them. they’re soft pillows, but at night they’re hard as rocks. one time i was only able to get to sleep when i had thrown one pillow off the bed and set the other one diagonally instead of horizontally. one night i stayed awake until i played lindsey stirling’s crystallize on loop. no other song but that one would work, for some reason. it hasn’t worked since. 

i’m so tired, and my body hurts so much, but everything is so uncomfortable. i hate it so much. how am i supposed to get a job and keep it like this? i’m about to graduate college, and i’m going to be on my own financially. i have no idea how i’m going to provide for myself. i’m not looking for people to tell me that it sucks and they’re sorry. i just want to complain to someone without making them feel bad for me. i would also like for things to go back to normal.