#my physical health hasn't been great since the experience

[ghcstcd]

Thank you to everyone who has reached out, left kind messages, and sent asks my way. I've hoarded them, because they've been important to me. I'm not going to say all that happened, or what lead up to it, but Friday morning I agreed with my therapist that I needed to be hospitalized and my mental health evaluated. The experience sucked, but they let me go home. I won't lie, it's all sucked since I've come home. It's no fun being a 29 year old who feels like a hopeless child: unsuccessful, an outlier, and freak. There's no car for me to drive, and I don't think or feel that my family will ever trust me again.

I'm trying to challenge that feeling though. I want change and to get out of this hole. Things and my mental health will go up and down, but today I felt vindictive. Today, I thought to myself "I'm going to get out of here" instead of "there's only one fatal way out."

[billyshakesp]

The Seventh House Problem

This post isn't anything that hasn't been said before, but I still think about this, and so shall you, dearest reader.

The Seventh House is caught in a vivious cycle and I wanted to highlight how tragic the lives of the people there are. Their plight speak to me personally, since I've struggled a lot with body image, but I don't want to discuss that, at least not on Tumblr, and not at the moment (I'm okay. I'd be lying if I said I was doing well, but I'm doing okay.).

Though we don't know much about the Seventh, we know that the "perfect image of grace and beauty" on the Seventh is the image of a young person, sometimes barely into adulthood, dying of terminal cancer. That, in it of itself, is terrible, both for the people, and the rulers over Rhodes, who are born with terminal cancer. It's such a beautiful symbol for some of the ideas of beauty we have in our world. For the common people, the perceived grace of dying of cancer is something which many strive to achieve. And, because people not named Sex Pal can't simply give people horrific illness, they probably go to other lengths to get it. I have no idea what those lengths may be (I mean, my God, how does one fake almost death from sickness?), but they most definitely cause physical in mental health. In short, the Seventh promotes an unrealistic standard which causes people to get hurt.

That's terrible, don't get me wrong, but this dynamic becomes ten times more insidious at the level of the Dukes and Duchesses of Rhodes. They're born as the epitome of this beauty standard. Some of them may think that they are an image of absolute radiance, which probably causes them and others great distress. Imagine this: you're told from birth that the highest form of existence is to ret away in a hospital bed, writhing in agony, not even getting to see adulthood before you're gone. And the hideous cherry on top: you must either pass your genes on and doom your children to the same fate, or refuse to have an heir, and throw your house into political turmoil.

Imagine if your whole existence was dedicated being a symbol of constant, terminal suffering, and that being that symbol was your only purpose, the ultimate goal of your conception. And at the end of it, you are given the choice to say, Yes, my next generation will suffer as I did, or, No, my house will suffer as I did. And you're powerless to change any of it.

Lastly, I suppose I'd like to tie this into lived experience. I just want to say that the promotion of beauty standards is destructive in ways which are often unnoticed by those who are unaffected by them (eg, Jod, the Houses, etc). Don't hurt yourself in pursuit of a cosmetic goal. Tragically, we have to work toward a society where people don't judge by something so small as superficial appearance. Take care, stay safe everyone <3.

[cherry-alive]

So, okay, I made a post a bit about this yesterday, but I've had a lot of thoughts since then and a useful conversation with my therapist. So. Complaining about dyspraxia below

I haven't been formally diagnosed with dyspraxia. It's actually pretty much the only diagnosis I've given to myself without at least medical confirmation. But I've given it to myself based on both a lot of research and comments I have received from medical practitioners (e.g. my pediatrician commenting on my weak grip, not meeting developmental milestones on time, comments from teachers, etc). And today my therapist said she's pretty sure I have it based not just on what I've reported but what she's observed in the way I physically interact with the world over the years, so that was helpful and validating. And we contacted my doctor today to hopefully get a referral to an OT, who will be able to actually assess me, which would be very cool. Because I still doubt myself all the time and go "you don't really have this" except like...I do though lol.

Part of the reason I doubt myself about it is that it hasn't had that much impact for many years. But recently, that has changed, and I've realized that it's not that I got better, it's that I went on disability and stopped trying to do a lot of things I used to do and spent like all day on my computer and got assistance with most physical tasks. I'm doing much, much better mental health wise lately, which is amazing, and as a result I'm engaging more and more with the physical world around me, whether that's going on walks or to the grocery store or cooking or dressing nicely or eating in restaurants or trying art or whatever. Which is great!

But it's all. so. fucking. physically. difficult. Not in an exhausting way, in a coordination way. Pushing carts at the grocery store? I bump into things constantly and get really overwhelmed by it and a few weeks ago dropped a glass bottle of olive oil that shattered all over the aisle in the store. Cooking? I love to cook, but it takes me at least 2 to 3 times the time to make any given recipe because I know myself and know I can't multitask so I do all the prep all at once up front, and slowly at that bc cutting vegetables is hard. Putting on makeup? Better set aside 10 minutes just to try to put on lip gloss without going outside the lines. Going to a restaraunt? Often a mortifying experience where I a) bump into other tables and/or b) have food all over my shirt by the end of the meal, which is so embarrassing but I've struggled with it my whole life. And it's just. It's all really really difficult and often I feel so ashamed when I drop something or bump into something or get messy or whatever in public and it just...it just sucks. And I get so so so frustrated and flustered and overwhelmed when I'm trying to do basic tasks at home like hanging up clothes or whatever and it's just so difficult and frustrating for me.

And I had forgotten how hard it all was because for years I just spent all my time on my computer. But I'm not doing that now. Which is great! But I trip and stumble and knock into things and get lost outside and can't do the things I want to do and I'm just constantly reminded that the physical world is very challenging for me. My probable dyspraxia has really been interfering with my life lately in pretty significant ways that have surprised me, I had kind of forgotten how frickin hard it makes a lot of things. I consider myself able bodied for the most part but I'm remembering now that like...not exactly 100% actually. And it just kind of sucks. A lot.

The good news is that as I mentioned, we contacted my GP about it and hopefully I'll get an assessment and maybe even some OT and/or PT, which could hopefully really help me. Because I'm trying very hard to recover and regain some independence, and this is proving a more significant challenge towards those goals than I had expected.

[justajsworkshop]

honest share with you all (i dunno. low-key vent?).

look, i know i'm not talking about all this from the place of "my ideal," but idk. i want to write this for me and for you because it feels nice to get it off my chest, and also i just want you to know that finding certain things more challenging than others doesn't mean you suck at manifesting.

there is zero point to all of this. it's just a long ass stream of consciousness. you do not have to read it or read it all the way to the end. like, spare yourself. lmaooooo.

the two areas i've found the most challenging in my journey are my cat's health and money. i am a very powerful manifestor. sometimes, manifesting felt easier before discovering the law, ngl. because i wasn't trying to intellectualize it; it was just happening.

but since discovering the law, my health has been freakishly easy to improve since i've been able to curb how i talk to myself about my body. interactions with desired people also come pretty naturally to me, too. tho, i don't really want that much from other people. so, i think that's part of it. i rarely dwell in desire with my personal relationships.

before the law, i manifested a new standing desk just by obsessing over what kind i wanted... browsing amazon for waaaay too long every day until one day, i walked outside and saw one on the sidewalk that fit all my desires. (ppl leave furniture for others to take around here all the time.)

^ and this is why i say you don't need to feel it real or anything. if you keep putting something within your awareness, it will materialize. i didn't even consider a certain desk "mine." i just keep obsessing over what kind to get.

other times, i'd just think "huh, this would be nice." and it would come into fruition without any further effort on my part. like i got a new shower head literally delivered and installed without needing to pay for anything or ask anyone just because i wanted a detachable one. a short bit later, the gas company knocked on my door, and i had a new shower head. plus, the water pressure/heat dramatically improved. it was all something i'd thought would be nice but put no conscious effort into "making happen."

i can and have manifested massive windfalls of money, amazing job opportunities, and great financial outcomes; i've done it before many times. but tbh, consistency with this? being able to trust in it? it hasn't always been easy for me, and this is one gap the law has helped me fill. i used to give a lot of power to the method or my feeling state or whether to think about it or not think about it, etc.

recently, i've been feeling immense relief being able to experience my finances as i desire them to be in imagination. it's been nice. i am SO abundant! so, when appearances show me something different, i just go back to my imaginal experience and be who i want to be. or maybe i'll just remind myself that it's all ok, that i'm ok, that it'll all be ok. or i'll ask myself "what if the money has always been there?" and i chuckle and smile because i know it has been.

i gently remind my anxiety we're no longer in egypt: we've been freed. my linear mind wants to sound off that the house in on fire rn, ngl. but i find so much peace in remembering that i'm not what i experience with my physical body. reality isn't what these physical eyes see or what these physical ear hear. i'm the awareness through which all experiences i can ever desire to experience pass through, so i feed my awareness with wonderful experiences.

i worry about my cat a lot because, yknow, he's my lil guy. he's my whole world. and i've been able to manifest good health for him in certain areas; it's just this one that's been more challenging for me.

idk, it's like this chew toy my anxiety will not let go of, and i'm like, bruh, why are you holding onto this? we don't enjoy it!! (using "we" language here because i tend to take an internal family systems approach to how i experience myself, observing different parts of me while knowing it's all me.)

but anyway—i know i'm entirely the source of my suffering here, jfc. it almost... makes me laugh rn as i write it tho?? the sheer absurdity of the mind to insist, insist, insist on this one experience that it KNOWS it doesn't like. like, my dude, there's an infinite feast available. why do you keep eating this terrible food??? pls, i beg of you. it's so silly? i finally just booked a vet appointment for him, the one i probably should have done months ago, and now it's a game of being like "alright, money. do your thing. jump in my bank account."

it's so fucking dumb because i'm literally masterful at manifesting money, and yet i pretend i can't for some stupid psyche/ego reason. doesn't matter either way because i still imagine myself as i'd like to be even if the physical mind is being a right wanker. lmfao. but when i immerse myself in imagination, i don't see how i couldn't be my desired self because there i am!

thank god thoughts alone don't manifest because i've thought some HORRIBLE SHIT in the past few days, but guess who's still here, kicking around, and doing just fine? me (and my cat).

i no longer desire to shift. i experience my DR all the time imaginally. you can't tell me i haven't shifted because i've done it dozens of times now, and i love it. i started affirming i'm not tapping into the void state/point consciousness during meditation, and it's allowed me to enjoy evening meditation again. i can just be instead of trying for anything. thank goodness.

so, i dunno. i'm sorry you read this, but i did warn you it was pointless lololol. this is just a random update on stuff i've been up to but in a less polished version than you usually get.

i hope you're doing well. i imagine you well. may life surprise you with many wonderful gifts today. <3

[curly-hot-brat]

Ramble alert

I am in a moment in my life where everything is new, so I feel the need to write things down to get them out of me, and there's no better place than this, so here goes nothing.

So much has happened in my life since the beginning of the year... I finally graduated college after six and a half years, and I got my board certification so I am officially a licenced psychologist. However, I have made zero moves to start a professional life. The truth is that psychology was never a dream graduation for me. It was the second best thing when I was told by my mom when I told her I had finally decided I wanted to graduate in music that it should be just a hobby. I was so tired of trying to find my way back then that I just chose what felt less irking when I checked the subject lists. So now I feel kind of at lost at what I actually wanna do with this degree.

My grandma passed away on January. I am so grateful for all the time I had with her, and that she didn't suffer and that we had a family dinner party with all the women in the family to celebrate my aunt turning 60 the night before her passing. What's been the hardest part is that my aunt, who inherited her house, decided to sell it, and seeing the place that was a physical core to all our family for the longest time completely empty feels like a punch in the gut. I wish I had resources to buy it just so that I could honor that space. I'm not mad at my aunt. But coming to terms with the loss of that space has been hard.

I also moved places. After my grandma passed I kept the promise I made to her every time she'd worried what would happen to her twin cats after she died and I brought them to live with me. Since I also had a cat of my own and the neighborhood I lived in didn't make sense to my life anymore since I have nothing else to do on campus, I decided to move to a more central neighborhood and out of an apartment to a two floors, two bedroom house. I moved in February and I still haven't finished organizing things my way, so I'm still in the process of turning this house into my home. The twins are ten, and my cat is one, so it's also been a process to try to get them to accept eachother, and the twins are still confined to my bedroom until now. I still don't feel confident they ever will accept eachother and I have no idea of what I'm gonna do if they actually don't.

After I moved, I also traveled alone to a new town to go to a music festival that had so many bands that were the core of my teenage emo rocker girl years. I stayed at a relative's place and I met a friend at the concert, and it was my first ever day long festival event. I got there early cause I didn't wanna miss any bands. It was one of the best experiences ever, but I also found out I don't have enough stamina to face another one of these. Only if there's another group of too many bands I love to make it impossible to miss. I don't think that's happening again anytime soon.

After that I was finally alone to figure out my life back in my new place. But I have spent most of my time dissociating. I haven't really been too keen on feeding myself right. I forget to eat at least two meals (consider snacks a meal) everyday. Sometimes more. The only thing I have tried my best to not neglect are my three girls. (The cats. I don't have any human children) Still, it's been hard to keep up with life. My health also hasn't been great, specially related to my period and my hormones. I've been suspecting I have Polycystic ovarian syndrome and/or endometriosis based on my symptoms. Last week was my ovulation window and there was a day I had such an intense lower abdomen pain I literally cried and had difficulty walking. I've been taking antiinflammatories ever since and I have a doctors appointment tomorrow. I hope I finally start to get some direction to how to treat my body better. I've been neglecting it for too long, and I feel like that has definitely had an impact on my mental health that has contributed to how I've dealt with this moment in my life so far.

I know I have to make decisions about what I wanna do in my life rn. I also know that this decision doesn't need to be permanent. But it's been hard to figure out where to start. I hope that this doctor's appointment and whatever tests I have to make to figure out my physical health are a good way to get that starter point. I hope that it helps to bring back some energy in my body, cause the fatigue I've been feeling for minimal tasks isn't t normal. Can't be. I hope it isn't.

[the-corvus-luna]

CLAMP Herbal Tea Diary

Translation thanks to ChatGPT:

~*INTRODUCTION*~

The four girls from CLAMP moved to a new workplace. They have a cute cat (note: an alien, as referenced in "The Cat Who Fell To Earth") and their days should be filled with fun, but for some reason, they haven't been feeling "happy and content" lately. So, the four of them decided to discuss their symptoms.

"Recently, my body hasn't been feeling good."

"It takes me a long time to fall asleep."

"I get tired easily."

"I don't know why, but I feel sleepy."

"I just want to see cute girls."

Could their irregular work schedule be to blame? The four girls put their heads together to come up with ideas. However, they had jobs to do and were also lazy. They didn't know how to take care of their health properly either. So, they wondered what they could do.

"I know! Let's get a maid!"

"Good idea, a maid!"

"That's a good idea!"

"That's a good idea!"

"That sounds good to me."

"The maid can help us stay healthy."

"The maid will definitely do that for us."

"Yeah, for sure!"

"Anyway, we want to see cute girls."

For some reason, the four girls decided to call for a maid. They loved maids and wives since they were young.

"Where can we find a maid?"

"Maybe at the maid market."

"No, they have a maid fair twice a year."

"Let's search the internet for it."

"Okay."

"We searched the internet to find the hospital in Kakyoin, remember?"

"We can find a maid there."

"Definitely."

"Anyway, we want to see cute girls."

CLAMP used their computers to search for where they could find maids to hire. After a while, they found a website called "Electric Maid Dispatch Association." They sent an email requesting maid service.

After a while, they received a response from the "Electric Maid Dispatch Association." The response said that two maids would be sent to CLAMP's workplace.

CLAMP was overjoyed.

"Now we can have maids come to our place."

"That's great!"

"That's awesome!"

"Now we can become healthier."

"I hope so."

"The maid will kindly take care of our health."

"We're so happy."

"That's so awesome!"

"Anyway, we hope they're cute girls."

And so, two maids arrived at CLAMP's workplace.

Featuring Rosemary and Marigold

Rosemary

Height: 159 centimeters

Weight: undisclosed

Personality: calm, reliable, practical, absent-minded, but quite dependable

Hobbies: growing herbs, aromatherapy, knitting, cooking

Likes: listening to music, reading books

Maid experience: 4 years

Note: A versatile maid who can please any household. There's nothing in particular that she's not good at in terms of work. She has been drinking herbal tea since she was a child. However, please note that without her glasses, she can't see anything beyond a radius of 1 meter.

Marigold

Height: 160 centimeters

Weight: undisclosed (jokingly says 3 tons)

Personality: forgetful, short-tempered, quick to argue, scatterbrained, but quite emotional

Hobbies: collecting cute cups, making potpourri, playing tennis, fighting games

Likes: gaming, singing

Maid experience: 3 months

Notes: A still problematic novice maid. It seems that she caused some problems even in the household she worked before coming to CLAMP's workplace. She recently started studying about herbal tea. She has good physical coordination, so she is good at moving her body.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ABOUT HERB TEA

All the tea made by the maid is made from dry herbs. Please be aware that the blend ratios are also made up of dry herbs. Note that commercially available dry herbs come in two forms: finely cut leaves and whole (original shape). Recently, tea bags are also sold, so please ask at the store.

How to make dry herb tea.

Prepare a teapot, teacup, hot water, dry herbs, and a tea strainer.

2. Boil water and then turn off the heat. Let it sit for about 30 seconds until the water settles down, then transfer enough hot water for the number of people (one cup per person) to the teapot and add the appropriate amount of dry herbs. One spoonful of tea leaves is enough for one person. Adjust the ratios accordingly for blends. For example, if you are making a blend of chamomile 1: linden 1: orange peel 1: lemongrass 1 for four people, each will require one spoonful.

3. Immediately cover the teapot with a lid and let it steep for 3-5 minutes. Always cover the teapot during the extraction process to avoid losing the volatile components of the herbs.

4. Meanwhile, pour the remaining hot water into the teacup and warm it up. Discard this water when the tea is ready.

5. Then, using a tea strainer, pour the tea into each cup, being careful not to include any herb leaves. Gradually pouring the tea into each cup ensures that the concentration of each cup is the same and makes it a delicious and enjoyable experience for everyone.

[breathenbounce]

Life block

I am truly sorry I didn't get this done on Wednesday. I have been so good about writing these things on Wednesday, but this week has been a tough one. First I didn't even know what I wanted to write about. What great wisdom could I impart on the small amount of people who read this. Then I realized it's not just writer's block I was suffering from, I was in the middle of a life block as well.

Last week somehow I really hurt my hip. So I have taken a week off from doing my usual routine of fitness which included the yoga and I felt like absolute dog shit. In fact this week has brought up so much shit for me, it has been just difficult going through day to day stuff.

I find myself laying on the couch most of the time, watching FB reels, seeing pictures of my family on my phone randomly come up, just feeling totally miserable. You see, BPD sucks. Sometimes you lose your identity, and then you feel like crap. I have been so depressed since 2015 and it has brought some real havoc into my life. One of the worst parts of my depression is it manifests as anger. I also am so afraid of losing people in my life, I don't always tell them how I feel and what they really truly mean to me. I feel like when I do, they run away, and I have seen that happen recently with some people. So I find myself uncomfortable to live in my own skin.

Taking this break has helped me feel better physically buy mentally it has done a number on me. However, I think there's other things going on. I vomited all over my therapist yesterday with all my depressive stuff and then I drove home hoping to feel better. I didn't. I just drove home in silence with the music off. When I got to Algonquin Rd, I did a shuffle with my music, couldn't find one song I wanted to listen to. Truth is I brought much of this shit on myself. However its because I didn't know how to survive with all these mental health conditions I have. I've lashed out, been defensive, blamed others, etc, etc. I have truly been working hard to reinvent and grow, but I don't feel like I am growing.

People tell me I am, however people important to me refuse to talk to me. I started medication in hopes it would help my depression. Lately, it hasn't. I feel weird when I get around people lately. Like I would rather be anywhere else. I went to a slow yoga class yesterday where we did little movement and it was more like meditation. Every time I go somewhere, I feel like people don't like me and think I am weird. I don't want to talk about it because people will then accuse me of trying to get sympathy, or some other bullshit like that.

Usually here on GC and BNB, I try to be positive. Mainly because I want to help others. I hate to see people feel this way that I'm feeling. Lately I feel like I am not helping anyone, most importantly myself. I got certified to teach yoga and no one wants me to teach. People say they want me to but when I show initiative to want to, I'm shut out. I am trying to put together experiences and having difficulty finding places, but then I say to myself, will people actually come? No one cares about the show.

Then my logical mind or wise mind has to come into play and say that it takes time to build a brand. Then I have to ask myself am I doing the best I truly can? Is my depression stonewalling me from reaching a higher level? I think about so many of the sins I have committed in the past and it makes me feel like maybe I don't deserve anything. Maybe I deserve to be alone. Maybe BNB won't help anyone. Maybe I’m just too much for people and I just have to accept that that I’m not anyone’s cup of tea and people just say things to be nice to me and they don’t really mean them.

Yes, I am in a funk, and I hope I can find a way out of it soon. I feel like the hole gets deeper and deeper that I have to crawl out of day by day. However, I still keep crawling out just to fall back in.

I guess I'll keep fighting. I don't know what else to do. Keep fighting too.

Love,

Michael

[witchesofferngrove]

29th of December, 2021

Hi all! I thought it was time for another update as it has been a long time since the last one. I just wanted to make sure everybody still knew that I haven't abandoned this game. So, let's get into it.

December has been an extremely busy month for me. I work full-time in retail, so I've been in work almost every day, and those days I wasn't working, I was honestly too exhausted to write for the game. Then, when I thought I'd get a bit of time off from work, I got sick over Christmas, and I took a PCR test only to find out I have COVID.

It hasn't been great. Winter is always a tough season for me in general, but it has been especially so this year. Physical and mental health has been in the gutter lately, but I'm hoping things begin to look up in January.

I really hope you all understand where I'm coming from, and forgive me the lack of any game updates this year. I'm really grateful for everyone's support and patience, it has really made my year a lot more bearable to have this community and gain so many new friends through this experience.

That said, I'll stop moping now, because the good thing about having COVID is that I get 2 weeks off from work. Today was the first day where I have started to feel better, so I've spent the day writing and managed to get 4.2k words down today. Slowly but surely, this demo will be released guys!

The most exciting news: W will now make an appearance in Chapter One for certain MCs! Originally, no ROs were going to be in Chapter One, but I had an epiphany today and have spent the day writing W's scene/route.

Generally speaking, I'm hoping that the chapter will be ready to send soon-ish. I know that's not a very solid answer, but it's the best I can do for now.

I hope you all had a wonderful time over the holidays if you celebrate, and if not, then I just hope December has treated you well! Have a great new year everybody, I hope to give you some good news soon.

[heylabodega]

Hi! How much mag do you take? (And do you take it in addition to a multivitamin?) I went off birth control for the first time in 7yr last Jan and have had a hell of a time since (only had two periods in the last 12mo and they were both debilitating physically and emotionally, my mood took like ~6mo to stabilize, I became fucking hypothyroid, etc). I know hormonal BC is great for some people and that’s rad (it DID admittedly do a world of good for my PMS/PMDD), but for me, nope, never again (actually I’m scheduled for a bisalp on Feb 16, yay!!). Also currently tapering off of a psych medication and for that process my psychiatrist recommended mag too, so I guess it’s a wonder drug?? I wish I’d known about this sooner!!

Hey! So a bunch of people asked me this so like full disclosure I'm a big ole idiot not a doctor but I DID listen to half an audiobook WRITTEN by a doctor, so. Everything online says consult your doctor which like lol what retrograde version of the world is Healthlink dot com living in that like my town doctor has been seeing me for years and knows my medical history and can tell me anything about taking a supplement that I can't google myself but consult your doctor I guess. Anyways I didn't consult my doctor I consulted my 27 year old sister and I've been taking 400mg every night between dinner and bed and it hasn't been miraculous but it's been helping me sleep and soothing my anxiety and I'm pretty sure it's regulating my periods? Which after this many years of 33-40 day cycles is BAFFLING. I might start taking less cause I googled today and it seems like 400 might be a little too much.

One thing, though--you want Magnesium glycinate. When I first bought magnesium I bought whatever cheap form was at Trader Joe's and it just did nothing. I've been taking these guys because, again, it's what my sister sent me but they are giant horse pills and also sold out on iHerb dot com so I might switch brands.

Hope this helps! I also kinda recommend this very intense book called the Period Repair Manual. She can be overly judgmental about hormonal bc and overly optimistic about the lifestyle/diet changes a like normal person can reasonably make and continue to have fun (jk there's no fun anymore only small moments of forgetting the pandemic exists), but it changed my understanding of PCOS, goes hard on the magnesium rec, and just generally has a really interesting, holistic understanding of health and hormones. It's very very ovulation/estrogen focused though so I have no idea what the experience would be like for any trans person trying to read it just a flag.

[nightswithkookmin]

MONDAY, JANUARY 18TH: GOLDY'S LOG

I miss Suga. Scratch that. I miss Agust D. My spirit animal.

I've been thinking about him a lot lately, wondering if his injury isn't an exemption to military service. I wonder if he qualifies, in light of his injury, as an able body. I wonder what their law defines as able body.

I wonder if he passed the legal physical exam and health assessment test when he turned 19, since he's had that injury way before debut. Or if BTS have undergone that mandatory military service assessment since they are all past 19 and what their results are.

Jimin has chronic back pain too. That should qualify him for an exemption to military duty. He can still do desk work if it's that serious.

I should talk to ***** and look into South Korea's law on exemptions to military service.

Moon values the arts and culture industry. There's already been an extension for conscription for the benefit of BTS. Their success and longevity in the spot light perhaps influenced this decision. Should BTS maintain this momentum, an exemption would be inevitable I feel.

I miss them. They've been gone for too long. I'm worried about the impact this is going to have on their popularity if they disconnect from fans for so long or be mechanical about the way they connect with their fans.

I hate the limited access to them. But Scarcity increases the value of a product and it's not surprising if this is the approach BigHit is adopting in the wake of the pandemic.

Limited access not only raises value, it creates demand. Bang PD is a bigbrain marketing genius- I hate it.

They are taking a huge risk with this new marketing strategy. Personally, I'd stick to what works but then I am no marketing guru. Just a consumer who likes to play it safe. I guess I won't be getting hired anytime soon. Fuck.

It's all very fascinating.

What's equally fascinating is the shippers out here on these streets. The Jokers.

I... they confuse the hell out of me sometimes.

How are they going to question my rationality when I talk about moments I feel Jikook are having issues in their relationship or had broken up etc but then have no problem with and even applaud that same rationality when I talk about moments that has led me to believe there is lack of depth in Tae Kook's dynamics or that they are not real by any standard or that another ship in BTS isn't real.

Do I have two minds? Or are they more inclined to be selective in their beliefs based on their biases towards Jikook and against other ships? It's weird.

By the same lens I define Jikook as real, I define Tae Kook or any other ship that includes JK and Jimin as not real. And by that same lens if I feel Jikook aren't together then I'm wrong and irrational?

It really confounds me.

Not sure if they expect me to apply double standards to Jikook in those instances.

I don't think there is right and wrong opinions or perspective when it comes to shipping, but I think if they are right about me being wrong about my perspective on Jikook then I must be wrong about my perspective on any other ship in BTS as well.

I can't be right about one and wrong about another. I'm either right about all or wrong about all.

I can't be 'right' about Tae Kook having 'issues' in their bond in such a way I think it often bars them from fully nurturing their bond and developing depth to it but then be 'wrong' about Jikook also having issues that mess with their bond from time to time when it's the same measurement I use in accessing the depth of bond of both ships.

I really don't understand their way of thinking.

What is right and what is wrong and who decides on that?

I think we ought to substitute right and wrong with 'believe and believable.' The approach to such discourse should be about what one is willing to believe or not believe about certain discussions: I believe this. I don't believe that. Because believes stem from our personal biases towards a subject.

And the people that come running to me with 'look, Jikook smiled at each other in On era so change your mind'

I would except I hear this debate all the time. I wonder if they realize they sound exactly like the Tuktukkers in my DMs trying to convince me Tae Kook is real.

'Look Tae sat on JK's laps! How can you say there is no depth to Tae kook' ' He squished JK's cheeks' 'Jk said he wants to ride with Tae, if there was no depth why did he say he wanted to ride with him'

I have a feeling Soft Koo is back. The days of Terminator JK might be over. Too bad, I liked terminator JK. He was a bad ass.

I like that he is experimenting with his looks. But I'm glad his Ravi-esque phase is over. I wonder who he is drawing inspiration from this time. He reminds me of Jimin though. There is something peaceful and serene about his looks.

Can't really tell much because Bighit is sitting on tons of footages. I think I need to send a truck to Bang PD HQ.

I don't like that Jimin posted a Vhopemin photo for Tae's birthday. It was cute and all but I don't like it. That shit felt passive aggressive as fuxk. Lmho. What, he didn't have a V or Vmin photo in his gallery? Sounds like someone didn't put much effort in their VMin agenda for this post.

I wonder if he will keep the same energy come JK's birthday. I mean both him and Tae didn't post for him💀

May be I'm reaching on this one. But a single post where V was not even the focus of the post... I think his birthday means a lot to him and he enjoys when people shower him with love and attention and I don't think his birthday is an exception.

And he kept reiterating after such said birthday how he recently discovered he loves to be loved and how he does most of the things he does in order to be loved by his fans, friends and family.

And it breaks my heart that, the headlines read BTS shower X, Y with love on his birthday but the two people close to him were missing from that list this time. The media talks about BTS posting for eachother as them showering eachother with love. Certainly they all know this.

And the fact Jin posted for Tae after Tae's birthday says a lot about Tae and JK. Tae had no intention of posting perhaps because he left JM a message on the packages. With Jin I feel he was overcompensating for not posting for him on his birthday...

JK gets a pass. If JM wasn't happy about him not posting for his birthday, he would have pulled a Jin.

Jimin talking about coming to the realization he loves to be loved makes me think JK withholding his affections openly made him come to the realization he loves to be loved. Just a hunch. And the only reason JK would withhold his affections is if Jimin himself estopps him. Those two give me headaches.

I think I got the closure I needed from this.

LESSON: dont get on JM's bad side and bloody post for his birthday 💀

Tae been releasing photos of Jimin and Jhope a lot lately. Not sure how that makes me feel either. I think it's beautiful. But when I think about all these beautiful photos he has of Jimin on his phone and how generous he is with them- I think they would have been more meaningful had he released it on JM's birthday. The snow photo he posted still sits in my Vmin heart somewhere.

I really don't like this not posting for each other's birthday business. It's 2021. They need to cut it out.

I feel JK set a bad precedent but personal happiness first so good for him.

This moment haunts me for some reason.

What was going through V's head. I want to know. RM looks done. Lol.

Jimin is really beautiful. I love his eyes when he smiles and the thing he does with his shoulders.

Some people complain I write a lot. Some say I don't write enough. Ayayayai!!!!!!

What to do.

I think I accidentally deleted a post.

I'm looking forward to JKK1. Stay Gold, Still with you, Your eyes tell... I hope he hasn't given his best away cos those were bops.

PJM1... oh God I'm nervous. I'm excited for it but nervous. I think Serendipity is a classic. The Christmas song was equally great and frankly the only good Christmas Ive heard so far and I don't even like Christmas- nothing against Baby Jesus I just think it sucks. That bridge in Dis-ease is something.

I want to read his thoughts. His spotify playlist is insightful but I want to confirm if he really sees himself as a mess who is always causing his lover grief.

I mean he did say he has realized he needs to be considerate towards those that love him. Not sure yet the connection there.

I want to read his thoughts.

PJM1....

I love JHOPE. I think his ship with Jimin is beautiful and healing. They make my insides warm. Not sure if their shippers think they are real. Do they? That would be awkward.

I think RM and Jimin need to spend time together... it would be good for them.

Jimin and Sungwoon shippers are alleging Jimin has been staying with Sungwoon all this while. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

But the bit about him living with Sungwoon before the start of Bon V 4 has me🤔

Around that period, I don't believe JM was at the dorms and Jikook were not together then too. He must have been staying somewhere...

I'll let them have that.

But around November 2019 when he was having issues with JK he was staying with Tae too so no I don't think that means Sungwoon is queer or that Jimin is sleeping with him💀

They need to get out of their imaginations.

I think Jikook will drive me crazy one day.

I can feel my cranium swelling.

JiRose shippers need to pack it up. They really think Jimin is straight? 💀

It's the bad editing for me.

That doesn't look like a straight face to me. Unless his butt was on fire and he was uncomfortable looking at that black interviewer, I think that's his flirting face.

Lately I've been thinking about what ifs.

What if Jikook is not real?

I wish I believed that.

[tabloidtoc]

National Examiner, April 26

You can buy a copy of this issue for your very own at my eBay store: https://www.ebay.com/str/bradentonbooks

Cover: Queen Elizabeth's royal rage

Page 2: Playing House -- famous best buds who shared the rent -- Dustin Hoffman and Gene Hackman, Ryan Reynolds and Michelle Williams, Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland, Danny DeVito and Michael Douglas

Page 3: Justin Long and Jonah Hill, Ving Rhames and Stanley Tucci, Eddie Redmayne and Jamie Dornan, Jason Priestley and Brad Pitt, Holly Hunter and Frances McDormand, Rob Lowe and Tom Cruise

Page 4: Matt Damon's roles and costumes

Page 6: A Delaware state trooper went above and beyond the call of duty when he surprised a little boy with a brand-new pair of Steph Curry sneakers -- Trooper Joshua Morris and nine-year-old Ra'kir Allen got to be pals when they played basketball together, along with other youths in the area and when the good-hearted cop learned that Ra'kir thought NBA star Stephen Curry of the Golden State Warriors was his idol, he got an idea, and after running the idea past Ra'kir's mother, the cop presented the aspiring sports star with his own pair of shoes -- Morris says cops should never be strangers to the people they protect, and he lives his belief every day

Page 7: Screen legend Bette Davis believed she had psychic abilities, says her assistant Kathryn Sermak, who met the legend in 1979 and was hired within five minutes of meeting her -- as her personal assistant, she was at Bette's service 24 hours a day, but the star was also very generous like if they were going to a film set, the job was seven days a week, but when it was over, she'd give Kathryn a paid vacation anywhere she wanted for as much as six weeks -- few people know that the screen idol loved to pull practical jokes on people; for instance, at cocktail hour, Bette would serve drinks in gag glasses that dribbled, and then when the liquid would pour onto her guests' expensive dresses or suits, she would innocently ask if they were okay -- the assistant also knew Bette's only child, Barbara Davis Hyman, known as B.D., whose father was Bette's third husband, Grant Sherry. Bette and her next husband, Garry Merrill, her co-star in All About Eve, also adopted two more children, Michael and Margot Merrill, but diagnosed with brain damage at age three, Margot has spent her life in institutions

Page 8: Saving Face -- take years off with simple makeup and skincare tips

Page 9: Vax Reax -- prepare for possible COVID jab side effects

Page 10: Billy Adams really knows how to get his daily steps in as the software exec walks 12 miles around Washington D.C. every day, picking up trash by hand -- during the lockdown, Billy took advantage of working from home to find a daily routine that was good for his physical and mental wellbeing, and helps beautify the city he loves -- starting in June, he began to choose a different 12-mile route every day, no matter the weather, Billy crossed from his Maryland home over into D.C. for a three-hour loop, starting at 8:30 a.m., and he picks up trash along the way and dumps bags of it into garbage cans on his route

Page 11: Tips for getting a restful night -- some tried-and-true tips for getting some rejuvenating rest

Page 12: Olivia Newton-John knows a thing or two about survival: she's had breast cancer three times over the past 28 years and has worked tirelessly to save her own life and the lives of others with her extensive research into natural remedies -- the 72-year-old Grease star says she and her husband John Easterling, who founded the Amazon Herb Company to help the world recognize the benefits of the Amazon Rainforest plants, have developed an approach called integrative medicine. It's a mix of doctor-recommended treatments and those from their own research

Page 14: Dear Tony, America's top psychic healer Tony Leggett -- never too late for romance, it will take work

Page 15: Tom Cornish is 96 years old, but age hasn't slowed him down from knitting up a storm of kindness -- over the past year, the Minnesota World War II veteran has donated nearly 500 winter hats in eye-catching colors to the Salvation Army, where he does volunteer work, and he hand-made each and every one of them

Page 16: Keeping the Peace -- TV has its share of great cops, but here are the ten best TV cops of all time -- T.J. Hooker, "Pepper" Anderson, Joe Friday, Andy Sipowicz, Richard "Hutch" Hutchinson, Kate Beckett, Lennie Briscoe, Olivia Benson, Frank Reagan, Sheriff Andy Taylor

Page 18: When a North Carolina school entered custodian Raymond Brown in the state's School Hero Award, he lost to someone else, so they made their own ceremony and gave him $35,000

Page 19: A group of ATV riders got the scare of their lives when one of their dogs stepped off the edge of a steep cliff and kept going, according to Steven Hawkins, president of the Utah ATV Association, who call themselves The Wild Bunch -- they immediately swung into action action to rescue stranded pooch Summer and got together and each took a hold of a rope with Steven at the end, climbing slowly down the face of the rocks as the others held on while looking on in horror, but in the end, the group found the strength to pull man and dog from the cliff face to safety

Page 20: Cover Story -- Queen Elizabeth is on the warpath -- palace aides are walking on eggshells around Her Majesty ever since Prince Harry and wife Meghan Markle dropped the bombshell on American TV that the royal family is a racist mess who completely ignored Meghan's mental health problems, among other horrifying accusations, and the queen will never get over the fact that Harry, without warning, turned his back on his own country and the people Elizabeth has served every day of her 95 years and she's also terrified the royal family's circus-like antics will bring on the end of the monarchy

Page 22: A California couple who were just about to retire drastically changed their plans when they adopted seven children -- Pam and Gary Willis have five children of their own and have been foster parents to many others and just as their last child was about to leave home, Pam spotted a Facebook advertisement searching for a forever home for seven kids from ages 15 to 4 whose parents had been killed in a tragic car crash -- Pam says she couldn't stop staring at their faces, saying she can't explain it, but she just knew she was supposed to be their mom and when she told Gary, she thought he'd call her a wacko because they were just about to retire, but surprisingly he agreed and they both felt it was what God wanted them to do

Page 24: High school senior Dasia Taylor is only 17, but she's going down in medical history for inventing sutures that detect if a wound is infected -- the brilliant student was named as one of 40 finalists in the Regeneron Science Talent Search, the nation's most prestigious science and math competition for high school seniors -- Dasia's sutures, which took a year to perfect, work by changing colors if the patient's PH level alters and the level changes quickly when a wound is healing and goes bad, so she began experimenting with beets, and she found that beets changed color at the perfect PH point and that's perfect for an infected wound -- the color changes from bright red to a dark purple when a wound becomes infected so it's easy to see with the naked eye and Dasia envisions the stitches being used in developing countries, so that infection can be detected with no advanced equipment -- Dasia's goal is to attend Howard University and become a lawyer

Page 25: 4 signs you may have weak bones

Page 26: Sentimental baseball fantasy Field of Dreams hit a home run with its poignant story of second chances, and as the one-of-a-kind movie celebrates its 32nd anniversary, here are some of the secrets behind the classic motion picture

Page 28: Wisdom of the stars -- inspirational quotes to light your way -- Javier Bardem, Tom Cruise, Leonardo DiCaprio, Michelle Obama, Brad Pitt, Diana Ross, Justin Timberlake, Meryl Streep, Anne Hathaway

Page 29: Beyonce, Barack Obama, George Clooney, Sidney Poitier, Katy Perry, Taylor Swift, Rihanna, Will Smith, Matt Damon, Ariana Grande

Page 32: Get Insects to Bug Off -- save your picnic and your sanity with DIY tricks

Page 40: Chakras -- Your powers begin within -- what chakras are and what they do

Page 42: 10 facts about Law & Order: SVU

Page 44: Eyes on the Stars -- Blake Shelton says he's hoping for a summer wedding with fiance Gwen Stefani, Sylvester Stallone is writing a potential TV prequel to his Rocky film franchise, Tara Reid recently wiped out on the red carpet in six-inch platform heels, Evelyn Sakash who worked on art direction on Mermaids was recently found dead in her NYC home months after she was reported missing in September 2020, Dancing with the Stars pro Sharna Burgess recently made her red carpet debut in Malibu with beau Brian Austin Green, Jeffrey Dean Morgan admits he's still shocked about The Walking Dead coming to a close later this year, Martha Stewart made waves last summer when she posted a sultry selfie on social media and admits she got so many proposals and so many propositions

Page 45: Rita Moreno attends the SAG Awards via video (picture), Selena Gomez and Martin Short shares some giggles on a NYC set (picture), Mary Steenburgen playfully serenades husband Ted Danson (picture), Helen Mirren (picture), Joe Giudice recently met Luis "Louie" Ruelas who is the current boyfriend of his former wife Teresa Giudice, Salma Hayek has joined the cast of House of Gucci playing clairvoyant Pina Auriemma, Ben Affleck gushed over ex Jennifer Lopez in a recent interview

Page 46: Two best friends are even closer after one rescued the other using CPR, a single day after she completed a course on how to administer the life-saving technique -- Torri'ell Norwood, age 16, was at the wheel when a speeding driver rammed her car, sending it hurtling smack into a tree and the St. Petersburg, Florida teen climbed through the window to safety when her door wouldn't open, and two of her three passengers also managed to get out, but her BFF A'zarria Simmons was still inside the wreck unconscious -- Torri'ell had just completed her CPR training the day before and knew what to do so she pulled her pal from the vehicle and, when she couldn't find a pulse, administered 30 compressions and two rescue breaths until A'zarria regained consciousness and paramedics soon arrived and rushed the girl to a hospital

Page 47: Get out of the wind and rain, or just find some shade, while you wait for the next bus in these quirky, fruit-shaped sculpture bus stops -- the idea began in Japan and is now spreading to other countries, so don't be surprised to see a super-sized piece of fruit at the end of your block in the near future