#my phone says im at 100% storage capacity. how is this possible

[squirmydonnie]

Long post

Vent?? Sort of

CW: unreality, weird food preference at the end

Sometimes I feel like I need to explain c12. I just want to say it so bad. But other times I could care less about saying it.

Part of the reason I've stopped daydreaming is to feel like I'm physically there for people. Sometimes not even physically but more like on the same plane as others.

I felt like I wouldn't be able to connect with others if the most I've felt connected is with fake people. I just don't believe it would work out.

At least not how I want it to. I want to be able to be present and have some ability to focus.

Everything I would say meant something. I meant everything I said. But I didn't feel like I meant it. I felt like I was fake to everybody. Even if I put my whole heart into it, it still seemed like I wasn't there.

Recently it's been different, but I still feel fake. Not like a fake person anymore,, but also not like my words are my words.

I definitely mean them and I overthink them a whole lot, but I don't feel like I'm having conversation.

I'm still the person who usually ends up making a conversation break. Even though I add to the conversation and sometimes make people laugh I don't feel like it stays.

I don't really forget but I don't feel like I'm part of the group.

If theres no daydream to distract me or be there for me it just makes everything more difficult.

I came across the drawing in one of my sketchbooks recently

It's from last summer.

Cookie 12 was like a shell for me. It kept me safe and made me feel better. But other times it made me feel worse. I don't like feeling conflicted like this so I thought I'd be better off just not daydreaming about them or the people in their life in general.

I thought I'd stay like that forever. When I thought about my future they were always there. A part of my life.

I didn't ever want my imaginary people to not be there for me. I never thought I'd do something like this.

I could totally daydream right now. It wouldn't be very hard. I would be kind of rusty. I have a specific way of how it works so it would feel kind of awkward.

It was nice to hear people call me by my other name.

The first day I went without daydreaming I ate this.

It was pretty hard to resist daydreaming then. I really like cheeseburgers and mozzarella sticks. They're my favorite foods, but I like food more when daydreaming.

I couldn't stop thinking how much better It would be. And I was pretty hungry. It was the last swim meet of the season. So I just ate it(though I would have done that anyway).

The picture is actually a picture of what I ate on the 17th. (I lost my photos)

The same meal. It was really good.

I didn't daydream through it either. I watched tv on my brothers laptop.

This part has been good.