#my personal thought is they had already started the Situationship and he tried to play it off as a joke

[menlove]

like why would he sign it like that. why would he write the lyrics to if I fell. why a valentines card. did he buy the card. was the card from a fan and he borrowed it and played it off as a joke. was he serious or was it a symptom of him play flirting w his boy bestie. did paul know. did he buy that it was a joke. when did he lose it/why doesn't he have it anymore. where did this fucking card come from. what the fuck was going onnnnnnn

[blackdollette]

REQUEST FOR CLYDE!!!

omg okay so my thought was a kind of situationship where Clyde and the reader have kind of been flirty to one another for a while (and they both secretly like each other), but at one of the concert/hangout things they go to Clyde sees the reader making out with a random person, and we get JEALOUS!CLYDE🤭🤭 potential for angst and/or smut?

anyways thanks for considering my idea and keep writing cus your stories are literally what keep me on this app🛐🛐

xoxo

aww ur so sweet 🙁🫶🏽

"do you want me or do you not?" | clyde

happiness is a butterfly. - lana del rey

✮⋆˙ [tags] @faesucksass @lustkillers @mayathepsychic1999@josibunn @livingdead-materialgirl @romanroyapoligist@auggiethecreator @oliviah-25 @vanlisbon @lankysimp @livingdead-reilly@imoonkiss @lankysimp@nom-nommmm1@xxbl00d-cl0txx@k1ll3rh0rr0r@wildathevrt@mommymilkers0526

female!reader x jealous!clyde

word count: 1.4k

contents: a little fluffy, angsty, reader "cheats" on clyde, mention of sex, violence, blood

your first smoke, first high, and first ever successful kickflip all happened thanks to clyde, and you always joked about owing him your life for that. he also took your virginity, and you thanked the heavens that he was the one that did it.

“so first, you take a hit of the blunt.” he said. your expression looked puzzled. “what does that mean?” he rolled his eyes, rolling a little weed into the paper before pulling out a lighter from his flannel pocket. “suck on it, like you’re drinking from a straw.” clyde didn’t notice the shift in the atmosphere after he made that comment. he’d always been so oblivious to the dirty things he’d say by accident.

a friendship that had started as a practical joke in high school turned into one where if any guy looked at you the wrong way, he wasn’t afraid to knock a tooth out and earn another prison sentence. as much as you didn’t want to admit it, you had fallen for the high school dropout, white, rich kid drug addict that you’d always been warned to stay far away from. but it was too late now because here you were, sitting on the bench in front of his favourite vape shop, braiding his hair while the rest of his friends were at the skatepark less than a block away.

“alright, your turn.” he said as you tugged on a lock of his hair, his hand resting on your thigh. you thought for a moment, finding the right question to ask him. “okay, never have i ever tried to get a blowjob during a church sermon.” he scoffed, rolling his eyes in annoyance as he put a finger down. “i thought we agreed to never bring that up again.” you finished off one braid, preparing to do the other. “nope, you asked if i’d ever forget, and i said no.”

he tried to suppress the smile tugged at his lips, but before he knew it he was grinning from ear to ear. he brushed a strand of hair behind his ear. “ok, since you wanna play dirty: never have i ev-” he was interrupted by the loud ringtone of your phone. you brought your hands out of his hair, pulling it out of your pocket and checking for the caller ID. when you saw it, your skin went slightly pale.

as inattentive as he was, he noticed right away. “everything okay? you look like you’ve just seen a ghost.” he laughed at his own joke, but you just giggled nervously as you stood up from the seat. “i-ill be right back. i’m going to… the bathroom.” his gaze said that he didn’t believe you  for a second, but you were already halfway down the sidewalk and rushing into the nearest alleyway.

he sighed, leaning back on the bench. “alright then…” he looked up and down the street, not really having noticed anything when you were with him. it always felt like it was only you and him in the world. he reached into his pocket, pulling out the slip of paper that had been burning into his soul. 

“for y/n.” it read, containing more words underneath the fold. he had been planning out this day for years. he had never been the type to write love letters, but when you told him that that was what you were into all those years ago, he told himself he would do exactly that when it came to spilling his guts out to you. and today was the day, he had just been waiting for the perfect moment to give you the note.

several minutes passed, and you still hadn’t returned. his hands were clammier than usual and his leg was bouncing on the ground, something that always used to happen whenever he got nervous. his grip on the note tightened, but he still tried his hardest to not crease it in any way. but the dreadful feeling in his gut continued to grow, spreading like a deadly plague until he couldn’t take it anymore. he stood up, walking down the same path that you had gone, starting to search for you.

you were pressed up against the brick wall of the alley, the scent of stale plants and smoke filling your nostrils as your dating app match forcefully kissed your neck. “i’ve been waiting to meet you all week…” you squirmed underneath him as his teeth dug into your neck, surely leaving a bruise. the only thing going through your mind was how different he looked from his picture.

his dirty hair brushed against your cheek as he came up to your lips against, kissing you with a mouth that probably hadn’t been cleaned in days. your eyes darted around the alley as you desperately searched for a way out of this situation, but his fingers began trailing underneath your shirt, tugging at the fabric as he went to remove it. until a booming roar broke into your thoughts.

“what the hell?!” it was clyde and before you knew it, he tackled the man, shoving him to the ground and punching him upside his jaw. you lept out of his way, eyes wide and mouth open as blood began to spray out of your date’s nose. but clyde only got more violent, his anger growing by the second.

“you think you can just touch any woman you want, huh?! what kind of a fucking animal are you!” clyde grabbed a large rock, surely about to smash his skull into pieces until your piercing scream intervened.

“wait! c-clyde stop!” you pulled him off, an animalistic rage in his eyes as he spat out on last thing. “get lost, fucker!” he quickly got to his feet, blood pouring down his shirt as he bolted out of the alley, scared for his life.

clyde’s mood flipped like a switch when he turned to you, tears filling his eyes. “o-oh my god. are you alright? i-im so sorry, i never should’ve let you go alone. i-i should’ve been there with you. i-” “clyde, stop.” you fidgetted with your thumbs, suddenly feeling like the most terrible person to walk the earth.

you sighed deeply, your next words cutting through his heart. “h-he wasn’t harrassing me. he was… my date.” your words were mumbled, but sharp as a blade. his hands fell to his sides and he stared at you with this blank expression that held a magnitude of pain. you took a good look at him. his hair was still in the unfinished style that you put it in. he had been waiting for you to come back.

he closed his eyes and started to pace around the alley. you could feel the tension getting hotter, but in a bad way. and then he spoke. “so, you left me out there to see your ‘date’? you told me you’d be right back, but you were just gonna leave me there sitting like an idiot.” he was angry, but his eyes were full of tears.

your lip quivered. “c-clyde, i’m sorry…” he brushed you off dismissively. “i don’t want to hear it.” he started walking out of the alley, but you grabbed his shoulder and pulled him back. “well can you blame me?! we’ve been doing this whole ‘friends with benefits’ bullshit for years! is it so bad that i wanted something real?!” 

he got up into your face, staring daggers at you. “you want something real? well here you go.” he crumpled up the note in his hand, shoving it into your chest and pinning you to the wall before shoving his hand into his pockets, walking away.

you unfolded the note, reading it through tear-filled eyes:

❝ dear y/n, my favourite person in the world: i remember seeing you for the first time and thinking to myself “i want to marry this person when i grow up.” you were everything i wanted in a person. kind, wild, and beautiful, and everything i’ve ever wanted in a spouse. i know we’ve been taking it slow, so i want to thank you for sticking with me no matter what. through thick and thin, and all the other bullshit ive put you through, you’ve always been the one to bring a smile to my face when i thought no one gave a shit. i will do anything and everything to protect you for as long as I live. you’re the high that i’ve been chasing my entire life, and i’d love to be able to call you my one true love. i just pray to God that you feel the same way.❞

love, clyde.

author's note: nothing beats writing for tumblr at 4am in the morning on a school day :))

[noteguk]

be quiet | jjk | m | drabble

[ ! ] this is a drabble for bad influence. It can be read as a stand-alone. 

— summary; in which jungkook is the best at picking the worst possible place for a quickie. 

— contents and warnings; smut, pwp, the endless adventures of badboy!jk x goodgirl!reader, enemies with benefits, public sex (library), doing the nasty in the theology section, dirty talk, unprotected sex, mid-sex arguments, jk is a mean lil shit (nothing new), kind of dom!jk, creampie, oral (female receiving), cum eating, cum play

— words; 3.1k

— author’s note; this was requested by anon and I thought it would be a nice thing to drop before the angsty parts begin 😌 also, for time context, this happens a bit after “bad behavior”

~

You were pretty sure that Jungkook had chosen that section on purpose. Because he hated you, that’s why. 

Never once in your life had you wondered so far into the university’s library, past the known biology and chemistry shelves, and into the dusty alleyways of the humanities courses. And that was the shameful reason why you didn’t even know that there was a religious section in the first place. 

The realization was obvious if you actually stopped to think about it: there were so many classes related to theology in your university that it would be ridiculous not to have books on that. And yet, you couldn’t help but feel like the old, hardcover bible was staring at you in endless disappointment as Jungkook turned you around and threw the hem of your dress over your hips. 

“Shhhh, baby, keep it quiet,” he shushed you after a small whimper had escaped your lips, his palms spreading over your ass cheeks. “Someone’s gonna hear you.” 

Because Jungkook hated you (as previously established), he instantly contradicted himself with a loud slap against your ass. 

“You’re such a fucking idiot,” you hissed, fumbling closer to him as he tugged your underwear to the side. The cold air hit your wet folds instantly, spreading goosebumps through your skin. Jungkook was an expert at noticing the most timid, basic ways that your body reacted to his touches, so the clear asymmetry between your rough speech and the shivers running through your body was enough to make him snicker. “Keep it down. This isn’t funny.” 

Jungkook chuckled behind you, the sharp noise of his zipper opening sounding like a gunshot inside that quiet building. “No. It’s hilarious, actually.” 

You sighed, praying to all the books around you that no one would stumble across that erotic spectacle. You had no idea if there was another living soul wandering around the library so late — in fact, the place was like thirty minutes away from closing and you were positive that the librarian was already dozing off on the front counter when you arrived, so she was probably balls deep in REM sleep by that point. There was no one cramming for midterms, no night owls to interrupt the two of you and, just to top it all off, it was a fucking Friday. The library was so empty that you didn’t even know why you went to that place. 

Okay, that was a lie. You went there because Jungkook had booty called you — yeah, yeah, boo-hoo, shame and disgrace — but, in your defense, you honestly thought he was just in desperate need for some extra help with his project (which was what he had initially told you). Turns out, “extra help” in Jungkook Dictionary didn’t mean the academic one. It meant that he was pathetically hard and he wanted somewhere to stick his dick in (instead of doing it like a normal person and using his hand). 

Regardless, your position was equally embarrassing. You could’ve just walked away when you realized his true intentions, and not followed him into the theology section of the library, for fuck’s sake. You really needed to start exercising some self love and put some limits in that chaotic situationship before you got yourself in serious trouble. 

Still, all those mental promises turned into silence when you felt his fingers playing with your folds, teasing their way between them. “So fucking wet,” Jungkook’s horniness dripped from his voice like honey, so soft and deep that got your knees buckling, back arching so he could reach your heat better. “Such a needy girl. Always begging for cock.” 

“I didn’t beg for anything,” you weren’t in the mood to deal with his bullshit; looking over your shoulder just so you could stare him down. Somewhere along your messy make-out session and the Bible-induced guilt, Jungkook had already moved his pants and underwear halfway down his thighs, his cock standing erect and proud. His timing was fantastic when he was actually interested in something. “You’re the one that can’t keep it in your pants.” 

He scoffed. “Don’t ruin the mood.” Jungkook punctuated his sentence with the plunging of two of his fingers inside your pussy, making a surprised whimper fall from your mouth — which you suppressed a second too late. “And of course I can’t, not when you’re dressed like this.”

You rolled your eyes, fighting the pleasure that started to build up at the pumping of his fingers in and out of you. “My knee-level dress is neither sexy nor an open invitation, you troglodyte.” You had chosen to wear that dress because it was a deliciously warm afternoon, not because you wanted to get railed while staring at religious texts. Jungkook, however, seemed to stare at your choice of clothing like he was looking at an “all you can eat” bouffet. You groaned. “But if you’re gonna do it, can you rush? I don’t wanna get caught.” 

It was Jungkook’s turn to roll his eyes, a sigh escaping his lips as his digits left your heat. You knew he’d tease you endlessly if you didn’t say that, and you two were on a tight schedule. “You never do,” he mumbled. 

“Duh,” you said, watching as his hand curled around his cock, pumping it a few times. You placed your own hands on the shelves and refused to look at the books any longer. “I have a future, you know. Don’t wanna get expelled halfway through the—”

“Shut up,” he interrupted you, holding onto your hips. Jungkook aligned himself with your entrance, coating his crown with your wetness and grunting at the sensation. “Fuck. Don’t wanna talk about your stupid high marks right now.” 

Jungkook made his point clear with a swift roll of his hips, his thick length gradually entering your pussy. You bit down on your lip, closing your eyes as you marveled at the aphrodisiac sensation of his cock opening you up. “Shit,” you moaned — a whispered, breathy moan that wiped all your fierceness away. “You’re so — fuck — so annoying.” 

“I said shut up,” Jungkook hissed, his cock hitting deep inside you with a strong hit of his hips against yours. You could feel him everywhere, mercilessly pushing his way inside your tight walls and stretching them wide for him. 

Your eyes instantly fell shut, eyebrows raising as he started to set a rhythm, moving in and out of your soaked heat. The sounds of your bodies meeting was dirty and, worst of all, it was super perceptible to any one passing by — however, in typical Jungkook magic, you quickly forgot about most of your worries. “Oh my… Jungkook,” you gasped, feeling his grasp on your skin grow tighter at the uttering of his name. “Someone’s… someone’s gonna hear us.” 

But you had successfully managed to piss Jungkook off, which was a terrible sign in that specific (public) situation. “Shit, you’re always like this,” he groaned, raising the force of his thrusts. A desperate moan died on your throat at the feeling of his cock drilling in and out of you, your breath shallow. That couldn’t be good. “Can’t stop fucking talking.” 

Thinking was starting to get difficult, and speaking was even worse. “That’s not what I—”

Another whimper broke your sentence, your trail of thought long forgotten, and he used that opening to his advantage. One of Jungkook’s hands slithered from your hip to the front of your body, moving between your breasts before, at last, settling on your neck. There was no strength on his actions when he pulled you backwards, making your back press against his chest. “Why can’t you understand when I tell you to be fucking quiet, uh?” His voice was a rough growl close to your ear, filled with so much hunger that you almost lost your balance. Before you did, however, the tap of two of his fingers on your lips made your focus shift. “Do both of us a fucking favor and put your mouth to good use.” 

For the first time that night, you were obedient. Without hesitation, you parted your lips so his fingers could move inside your mouth, a deep exhale leaving his chest once you started sucking on them; muffling your whimpers. 

“That’s it, fuck,” he praised, his momentaneous anger slipping away from his grasp. You could feel Jungkook throbbing inside you every time you swirled your tongue around his digits, his length splitting you open like no one else could. “You’re so fucking tight. The only reason why I don’t stuff your mouth full of my cock right now is because this pussy is too good.” 

You clenched around him, tried to say something that sounded like gibberish with his fingers still in your mouth. Amazingly so, Jungkook understood what it was. 

“Are you gonna cum, baby?” He asked, breathless. You could only nod, your body bouncing up and down with the force of his precise thrusts. “Yeah?” He chuckled. “You know, I should just leave you like this, see if you learn to shut up for once.” 

“Pfflease, no,” you struggled to get out. 

“No? Now you listen to what I have to say?” Jungkook kept teasing you, watching as your initial petulant attitude was washed away. Doing that to you seemed to be a habit that he couldn’t let go, no matter how hard he tried. There was something about the way you fumbled and whimpered under his grasp that inflated his ego more than anything. “You only listen when I have you like this. Don’t you think that’s funny?” 

Jungkook pulled his fingers out of your mouth, using that hand to press your body closer to his; tattooed arm wrapped in an iron grip around your waist. “Sorry,” you didn’t even know why you were apologizing at that point; you were just trying to grasp at anything that could bring you some sort of salvation. Maybe if you tried to appease his pestering spirit, he wouldn’t be so cruel when it came to your release. “Jungkook, please.” 

“Please what?” He asked, his breath ragged against your ear; sounding like he was almost getting lost in your pussy. 

“Please let me cum, please,” you begged. You didn’t know how he managed to do it: to make your entire personality crumble down into a desperate, needy mess with little to no effort. He knew just the right buttons to push; just the right way to fuck you. It was a dangerous game that you were playing and the score clearly wasn’t in your favor. 

“I’ll think about it.” He groaned, a particularly loud moan ripping itself from his throat at another hash buckle of his hips. He was fucking your so well that you couldn’t even remember where you were for a second, all inihibitions pushed aside as your mind turned into a hazed, disconnected mess. “First, be a good girl and let me fill you up.” 

You nodded desperately, not trusting yourself to say anything else. The heat in your stomach was building up at a worrisome speed, threatening to spill over at any given second, and yet you didn’t think it would happen quick enough. 

Just as you expected, Jungkook was cumming a few thrusts later, spilling himself inside your pussy as he groaned against your shoulder. “Fuck, baby,” he was fighting for air, trying to keep his moans as quiet as he could manage them. And yet, when his mouth right next to your ear, you could hear with divine clarity the beautiful, airy sighs he gifted you as he continued to fuck you through his high. “Take it, come on. Fuck.” 

You were almost pleading for your own body to hush and allow you to cum before Jungkook pulled away but, once again, you weren’t that lucky. You were left with shaky legs as he removed himself from your heat; feeling awfully empty as he swirled you around before crashing his mouth against yours in a messy kiss. 

Yes, Jungkook fucked you like no one else could, but kissing him managed to be even more heavenly sometimes. Time and time again, he would surprise you with kisses that left you seeking for air; the slow drag of his tongue against yours matching perfectly with the way his hand cupped your cheek, thumb delicately caressing the skin. It was the eye of a hurricane, the tranquil skies before the storm hit, and you could get lost in it with such ease that it scared you sometimes. 

But then he pulled away, and the magic left you just as quickly as it had arrived. “J-Jungkook, I didn’t—“ 

“Shh, baby, I know.” Another tender kiss against your lips, and his mouth moved to your jaw, nibbling on the skin. “Gonna clean you up, princess. Don’t worry.” 

Brain too overwhelmed to react, you were left speechless as Jungkook trailed a path of sloppy kisses down your neck, sending shivers down your spine before, at last, getting down on his knees before you. A question got trapped in your throat, rapidly forgotten, when he raised one of your thighs and placed it over his shoulder. “Hold this up for me.” He signed at the hem of your dress, and you did as he requested, pulling the fabric to the level of your breasts. “That’s my girl.” 

A shivering sigh danced on your tongue as you waited for him to move, his eyes eagerly taking in the way his release dripped between your folds, mingling with your own wetness. Jungkook loved to watch his work. “So pretty,” Jungkook mumbled, as he always did; sounding like he was trapped in a daydream. Like you weren’t actually supposed to hear that. “Always so pretty for me.” 

You got lost in his praise for exactly two seconds before he was leaning in and pressing his mouth against your heat. Your hips buckled forward, barely held in place by his strong arms around your thighs. “Jungkook,” you called his name, making his dark eyes snap towards yours. His tongue prodded against your opening once, twice, teasing your pussy a few times before he licked his path up your slit, lips wrapping around your clit. “God, so good.” 

Jungkook hummed against your heat, lapping between your folds like he was a starved animal, not caring about the fact that his own cum was mixed with your arousal. You were starting to consider that maybe he had a bit of an oral fixation, because you never saw him so focused as when he had his face buried between your thighs; his tongue playing with your sensitive spots so eagerly that you couldn’t help but whine out his name. 

“Oh— Fuck,” you whimpered, feeling  as that familiar pressure started to build on the base of your spine. Your hands were sweaty, clenching onto the fabric of your flowery dress as Jungkook continued to moan and lick his way around your pussy. “Fuck, I’m so close.”

Jungkook was looking up at you through the thick curtain of his messy hair, his devilish eyes sparking up in a silent dare for you to make a mess on his tongue. At the same time that he told you to keep quiet, you knew that he got off when you were loud — especially in a place like that, where the two of you could get caught. He was a fucking demon when he wanted to be, and he seriously didn’t have any trouble dragging you to hell along with him. 

The worst part was that you liked it. You liked it since the very first time he had you, liked the way he took your precious control away from you. You liked when he had you like that: a shivering, desperate mess hanging by a thread; dwelling in the fantastic sensation of his wet muscle prodding your entrance, fucking it open as he stared up at you like he could eat you whole. 

It was always the sight of Jungkook like that — between your thighs, eating you out like you were his favorite sweet — that pushed you over the edge. You pressed the back of your hand against your mouth, muffling your needy cries as you finally reached your high, his tongue still playing with your clit as you came down. Jungkook groaned as a small wave of your arousal dripped on him, his mouth expertly cleaning it up, just like he had promised. 

“S-Stop,” you whimpered, a violent shiver overtaking your muscles as you started to feel the effects of your sensitivity. “Too much.” 

After a final stroke of his tongue against your slick, Jungkook tugged your panties back in place and removed your thigh from his shoulder before, finally, he moved back to his feet. Your hand, weak, let go of the fabric and allowed your dress to collapse back into place, covering the mess between your legs. 

He smirked at your overwhelmed, fucked-out state as he tugged himself back inside his pants. The sound of his zipper was once again a noisy interruption, which brought along a new wave of panic as you remembered your location. 

You grabbed Jungkook’s wrist, twisting it around so you could look at his watch. “We have five minutes until closing time.” You sighed heavily, looking up at him with your typical irritated stare. His magic didn’t last for long, after all. “Why are you always like this?”

“Like what?” Jungkook raised one eyebrow, unable to hide the entertainment in his voice as he watched your expression. He ran one hand through his dark hair, pushing it back. “Incredibly handsome? Charismatic? Good at everything? Including eati—”  

“I was going to ask why do you have the inherent need to defile religious places, but whatever helps you sleep at night,” you interrupted. “By the way, this,” you pointed between you two, “is not happening again. So I hope you had a good last time.” 

Jungkook chuckled, holding your chin with his fingers. “This is like the third time you’re saying that, baby.” He pulled you in for a quick kiss, barely a tender press of his lips against yours. “But whatever helps you sleep at night.” 

 ~

Check out the rest of the bad influence collection!

Taglist: @youurkryptonite @taehyungieskith @fan-ati--c @btstrasht @crazy4myself @sashimi-mochi @ft-multi @kooafraid @dianaaviny @ggukkieland @cryinginmypromdress @kissestothesky @imluckybitches @gyukult @jinsalpaca @0901-1230

[sehunniepot]

i like me better (when i’m with you) / 1.2 ✎

the fluffy strangers to lovers college!au in which your friends are tired of you complaining about being single and find your perfect match in the one and only campus dj, jaehyun jung.

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You sighed as you slid into the car. Always the observant one, Johnny shot you a worried glance as he started the engine.

“What’s with the heavy sighing?” he asked, shifting the car into drive.

“I just...I don’t know?” The confused lilt in your voice stopped your best friend from interrupting you. You clearly had something to let out and he was going to give you the space to do so. That’s how it always was during these deep car talks. You would talk and Johnny, being the great older brother figure he was, would listen. 

“I’m definitely happier than before. I’m satisfied with where I’m at. A lot healthier, in a major that I actually enjoy compared to last year. I’ve worked on myself for the past year and I like who I am now. I have a great group of friends—”

This time, Johnny couldn’t help but say something to lighten the mood. He smirked and said, “Yeah, I am pretty great, aren’t I?” 

You playfully shoved him in reply. 

“I’m sensing a ‘but’ in that sentence, though.” And just like that, the driver pulled you back into the serious conversation you were having.

“Yeah.” You ran your fingers through your hair while trying to gather your thoughts. Glancing at you, Johnny caught you nibbling your lip and playing with the ends of your hair. You always did that when you were deep in thought or something was bothering you in some way. He guessed this was deeper than your group of friends thought it was. And that bothered him.

As a true friend of yours, Johnny wanted you to be comfortable with them. To be happy in their company. But lately, the happiness he noticed was fading. There was something preoccupying your head. He needed to get to the bottom of it so he could help you in any way that he could. 

The oldest of the group always doted on you and you two knew it to be true. There was no denying it. However, there was never a hint of romance behind that doting. It was similar to and older sibling choosing his favorite younger sibling and putting extra care to make sure they turned out alright. 

Johnny Suh, the caring man everyone always knew him to be, just wanted you to be okay. 

“I don’t know. Seeing Mina and Mark sometimes makes me miss having a partner. It’s weird, like, really weird. At times, I wish I had someone to share this happiness with. It gets me in a mood and I know how to pull myself out of it.”

Dating, you mean. You know it. You’re sure Johnny knew it too by the way he hummed in response. But that’s all he did. Hum with no other words to say. Johnny’s silence allowed you to continue on. 

“But I’m scared of putting myself out there. Sehun...I know he was your friend but he hurt me pretty badly. I don’t think I could trust anyone with my heart again.”

You fiddled with your fingers anxiously—the topic of your past relationship was something you hated talking about.  If you could even call it that to begin with. Maybe situationship was a better word for it.

“I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to put myself out there again. I’ve tried once or twice and it always ended up with me backing out because I got into my own head.”

Your friend called your name and you shook your head, trying to stop the pity from slipping out of his mouth. You didn’t want it. You didn’t need it, either. “Munchkin,” your friend tried again with that nickname of his that made you break down your walls. 

You let out a bitter chuckle in return. “Am I just going to be someone’s plaything for the rest of my life? Because that’s what happened with the past two guys? Or are my standards just too high that I can’t meet a person to match them?”

“Munch, you need to stop doing that,” Johnny warned you, his voice growing sharper with each word. The upset dad voice was starting to surface. That’s how you knew he really cared, when that tone of voice would appear. “You know that’s not true.” 

Sending him a hint of a smile, you were glad you had someone like Johnny as a close friend. He may be a goofball at times but the man always knew what to say when you needed it the most.

“Look, the guys you met in the past? They were trash, including Sehun. But that shouldn’t stop you from putting yourself out there! And who knows, maybe you’ll find someone when you least expect it,” he reassured you, a warm grin gracing his full lips. 

Eyes still training on your friend, you wondered why you couldn’t fall for a guy like him or Mark. Why did you waste your time with assholes?

Johnny turned into the parking lot of the shopping center, startling you out of your thoughts. You were so invested so into voicing what was shaking you up, you hadn’t realized that you were reaching the bakery.

Getting out of the vehicle, you both grabbed your cell phones and wallets. Johnny came around to shut the door for you, a little thing he always did that made you smile. Gathering you in his arms, your best friend gave you a comforting hug. “Hey, Munch?”

“Hmm?” you hummed, inwardly groaning at the long line of customers waiting to get their treats as you entered the bakery.

“What would you consider boyfriend material anyway?” Johnny questioned. You gave him a weird look to which he shrugged in return. “Just curious. I mean you already know my type.”

“Ummmm,” you had to take a moment to actually think about it. Johnny smiled at you patiently, waiting for your answer, “A guy who’s incredibly sweet and has no problem making me laugh. Caring. Has the same interests as me? Music, movies, whatever; so we have something to talk about, you know? Or at least, understands and listens when I talk about something I’m passionate about—”

You started to run off at the mouth as the line moves up. Again, Johnny did nothing but listen. As you listed the traits you looked for, he was mentally making a list of them and filing through his friends to see if anyone fit the bill.

“—Speaking of passion! They have to be passionate about their goals! And respectful of boundaries. Patient. And I don’t know—someone who’ll do cheesy things with me like dance around in the kitchen?”

Noticing that you were starting to drift into a rant, you stopped yourself with a sheepish smile. Almost embarrassed that you were going on without end, you began to fiddle with your fingers again. “I’m rambling, aren’t I?” 

“You’re fine, Munchkin! And those really aren’t high standards at all. A bit cheesy though, but it fits you. I can see you dating someone like that,” he reassured you, ruffling your hair. You squeaked at the sudden action and failed to slap Johnny’s large hands away from your head. A grumble left your lips as you used the glass windows as a mirror t fix your appearance. 

Completely fits someone I know, Johnny thought to himself.

You both stepped forward in line. Squinting at the menu plastered on the wall, you skimmed through it and jokingly asked, “You’re just saying that cuz you’re practically my brother. Know anyone that fits my ideal type though?”

“Maybe, why? Want me to set you up?” your tall friend teased. “I might have a couple of friends who fit the type.”

“Oh yeah, totally interested if you could actually find someone. Highly doubt it though,” you shot back, sarcasm dripping from your words.

“Eh, I wouldn’t be too sure about that,” Johnny said with a knowing grin. Shooting him a confused look, the boy just shrugged his shoulders, revealing nothing else. 

Then, there was this sudden need to relieve yourself. Glancing at how many people were in front of you, there was still a bit of time before your party reached the front. “I’ll be right back, I’m gonna the restroom real quick. You already know what I want, right? Just in case?”

Johnny nodded, waving you in the direction of the bathroom. As soon as you were out of sight, your friend pulled out his phone to a string of texts from Sejeong, Mina, and Mark in a new group chat that for some reason, didn’t include you. He skimmed through it and chuckled—what amazing timing.

© sehunniepot / sehunniepotwrites, 2020-2021

[doroyamz]

Love in Accra

The road looked like it was sweating.

Rain. Heavy rain. The rush hour traffic on the 37 Military Hospital Road had come to a standstill. The downpour, from nowhere, was a welcome distraction for Tony. Last night’s encounter with his wife, Alicia, still all too fresh in his mind.

Cars were barely moving along on in the ever-rising storm.

He felt a movement on his right thigh but was too preoccupied with his thoughts to give it any attention. Esi by this time was growing restless, tired of Tony’s now constant rebuffing of her advances. Last night, and for many nights in the past month, he was totally limp when she unzipped him, a far cry from the throbbing pistol that had thrilled her to no end when they first began their countless rendezvous.

In those early days, they were lust personified. Crazed and addicted to each other beyond reason. Their constant need to feel each other’s skin had a near cataclysmic pull on them and their respective worlds. Alicia got pregnant in those early days, an event Tony privately regarded as a spillover from being with his now long-standing mistress. Esi’s marriage was virtually in the gutter. She often showed up at home disheveled and night after night, retired to her marriage bed wearing a satisfying post-coital daze on her face. Her husband, would just watch her. Mute and completely emasculated.

But now her once insatiable incubus was limp to her touch. She could not understand it.

xxx

Alicia had found the video on his phone.

Tony’s entire world came to a screeching halt. His throat was so dry, he wasn’t sure if he had one anymore. He stood paralyzed; the phone screen thrust in his face. Cocked his head at an angle as if in disbelief at the two actors in the tiny screen.

The man in the screen was bald, tall and dark and looked very much like him. He stood at about 6”3 with an NBA player’s build and had the beard to match. The male actor was indubitably approaching climax and his voluptuous female understudy, on cue, fiercely gripped onto dear life – which in that moment, was her male lead.

The ochre-skinned woman in the screen was of the finest fettle. Folasade was a full-blooded Nigerian but her unapologetic curves screamed South Africa. She looked like a Marvel comic heroine brought to life.

Fola and Tony met at a seminar for West African business executives at the Kempinski Hotel, a few months after his wedding. Fola was leading a breakout panel session which Tony sat in on, intoxicated by her form and presence. The two had exchanged steamy glances all day long, making no attempt to restrain their mutual intentions for each other when the conference ended.

Tony could never get enough of Fola and in Tony, Fola had found a man who could satisfy her every whim. They could go for months on end without so much as a text message to each other. But whenever contact was made, their respective schedules were cleared until further notice. They were fully aware that their combined desire was a vast black hole with the potential to consume them, so they took conscious steps to maintain some modicum of balance in their meeting arrangements.

The night the fated video was shot, Fola was headed for a month-long business trip in Morocco. They had arranged to meet at her private office on Volta Street in the Airport Residential Area.

Fola’s suggestion to record themselves as a temporary parting memento was inexplicable to Tony. Her claim that it would be something that would hold her while she was away, seemed puzzling to him. Her feigned desperation, even more perplexing.

Tony was completely against the idea of recording their liaison. Remonstrating over and over again about how technology and affairs of love should never cross. Fola ogled him for a while, offered tiny chuckles as he groped her every now and then during his rant.

Tony became so engrossed in his personal deliberations that he missed her slip into the bathroom. When he finally took a moment to break from his monologue, he was out of breath and had worked up a sweat. The man felt he just needed to wash away all traces of that unholy proposal.

Once on the other side of the bathroom door, Tony became Pavlov’s Dog.

That was over a year ago and Fola still hadn’t returned from her trip.

His mind slowly drifted back to the screen. The soft moans and cries. The sound of skin on skin rhythmically playing from the Samsung phone speakers.

He didn’t feel shame. He didn’t feel regret. He heard Alicia’s cries, felt her pain slide across his skin. He just stood there. Numb.

xxx

“We have asked around about Tony…Alicia…for your sake, for your parents’ sake, for all our sakes…please…do not marry this man.”

One of the many admonitions Alicia fielded from her aunts and cousins after announcing Tony’s marriage proposal at her younger sister’s festive birthday party.

In the ensuing weeks after her announcement, the family matriarchs conducted an extensive background check to gather as much intel as they could on her suitor. From what Alicia’s mum told her the matriarchs searched far and wide, even unearthing some very unsavory stories about Tony’s maternal grandfather in Mampong, a township in the Ashanti region.

The women came back with a most damning report on Alicia’s debonair Asante. Alicia, however, was defiant and unmoved by their findings.

She stood up to address the mini-assembly.

“Each woman here knows how highly I value them. You have all shaped me, guided me and helped me become the woman I am today,” she said in a restrained voice.

“But with all respect, none of you know Tony like I do. You don’t know what I see in him, his potential. The depths of emotion I have felt in the time I’ve gotten to know him. None of you can know that. He’s not perfect, Lord I know he’s far from it, but I know he’s the one for me. Nothing you say or do can make me feel differently.”

She loved Tony deeply. She had never believed she was capable of loving a man, let alone marrying one, after all the damage she had seen men wreak in and around her life. And Tony had flaws, many serious ones, but he had a certain light to him and he had showed her honesty and a vulnerability she had never known men to possess.

Deep down, she believed she could change him, iron out his weaknesses and over time drive out his especially troubling womanizing habit. She knew he liked women and on countless occasions, with her own eyes, she noticed the magnetizing effect he had on them. Alicia also believed some of his troubles with women lay in the fact that he was a true empath. That he, unfortunately, had never learned to draw boundaries to his empathy which inadvertently led to his many ‘situationships.’ 

“I won’t lie Alicia. I know I have a woman problem. It’s like an addiction. The intimacy, the need to connect, the sex.” They were having lunch at the Hinlone Chinese Restaurant in Labone. The night before, as they lay in bed, Tony had told he loved her for the first time. Alicia simply smiled at his declaration, electing to play it cool although inwardly, she was beside herself with joy.

Flashes from the video.

The woman’s legs splayed. Tony’s thrusts. The glistening sheen of sweat.

“But I swear to you, most of my things with these women often start out because I pity them or I want to help them in some way…along the line, things just get muddled up and…I lose my way...”

The woman crying out in throes of pleasure.

Her mind was a broken dam. Thoughts, memories and conversations flooded her head and receded at their own leisure.

She wondered why these memories and conversations were coming up at this time. The video was still a freshly opened gash, one she had already accepted was going to be a large and permanent scar. But for the other flashbacks, she questioned their relevance to her current predicament.

He was always a monster. Why was I pretending all this time that he wasn’t? Who was I kidding?

The video was the bomb but Tony’s desensitized demeanor and harrowing forced confessions were the firestorm. She knew there was so much more he would have confessed to if she had had any more emotional stamina during her five-hour interrogation of the stranger she called her husband. She had been beyond foolish.

Time had lost its meaning. She had spent three days huddled in the corner of their bedroom tormented by her broken heart and mind.

Alicia just wanted to disappear.

xxx

One week and seventy-seven unanswered calls had passed since the explosive encounter. Tony wasn’t sure if Alicia was alive.

He was parked outside the Total House Clinic in Adabraka on a Saturday morning. Completely engrossed in his thoughts and yearning for divine intervention to offer him some guidance. Since his exposé, his mind had been in a fog that thickened with each passing day. The only silver lining were the test results from his urologist. Tony’s recent erectile issues were deemed a stress response and his dysfunction persisted due to a lack of proper rest. He needed to relax.

His wife was even more inaccessible now than she’d been during the miscarriage. For Tony, the miscarriage was a living hell made more intolerable by how suicidal Alicia had been. He was disappointed to have lost the baby especially after how hard they’d tried over the years but a small and, perhaps, darker part of him felt relieved. He didn’t think it was right to have conceived a child with his wife barely an hour after stealing sordid moments with another woman. A woman he met through his wife. In his mind, it was perhaps the universe’s way of warning him that he had gone too far this time. He would never have been able to look at that child without seeing Esi in his mind’s eye.

This time though, he had overstepped the good faith that the universe seemed to constantly extend to him. He knew his credit line with the powers-that-be was now in the red and would stay there indefinitely. His latest debt, while not his most damning by a long shot, was irredeemable. He had nowhere to hide. There were no more lies he could spin around Alicia.

But he needed her. He couldn’t lose his North Star. She was the only thing that prevented his chaotic nature from engulfing him or so he thought. Surely, after all these years she knew what she was signing on for. Why was she so surprised? That video was nothing compared to the numerous other unspeakables he’d committed over the course of their marriage. Of all the things to do him in, it had to be a twenty-minute porno. What a sick joke.

In a bloodrush, he let out a hollow scream. His mind was drowning in haphazard thoughts.

“What have I done? God what have I done?” he blurted out repeatedly at his steering wheel, as he fought to hold back tears.

“Why? Why now? Why did it happen like this?” he plaintively questioned.

No answer.

Deflated and resigned, he took out his work phone and called the only person who would always welcome him with open arms and accept him for the depraved and gluttonous animal he was.

xxx

Incense burned as Jill Scott’s ‘He Loves Me’ played softly from the soundbar. The room had been steamed to perfection.

The Executive Suite at the La Beach Hotel was their favourite love nest. Any sexual fantasy - from orgies to swing parties - either party happened to be in the mood for or could imagine, this was the room that staged its enactment.

Tonight it was just the two of them.

The toned, dark-skinned Ga woman on the bed was in her early seventies but inexplicably did not look a day past twenty. Tightly twisted Senegalese crochet braids, flowed magnificently from her scalp to her dainty waist. Her oval-shaped face remained flawless as did her soft, wrinkle-free skin. How she managed to defy time with her looks and poise was a much pondered upon mystery to all who knew her.

Dede was naked underneath a black, sparkling see-through gown. Her shea-butter glistened body glowed through the gown. A wet, willing and wanting goddess. Ready to be ravaged by her young midnight warrior. She rose to sit on her knees, directing her eyes to her nude captor’s crotch. She rendered a wry smile.

The warrior was flat-out flaccid.

“Mm,” she remarked, as she beckoned him to draw closer.

“Looks like our little man needs a little something before he comes out to play eh?” she teased in playful Ga.

He smirked as he approached her, only stopping when his groin and her face were level.

The mind-fog was still present but he closed his eyes as he begun to feel the slow and perfectly measured licking sensations in his nether region. Dede was always masterful with the things she could do with her mouth. Two lifetimes worth of experience to draw from.

Two minutes passed but Tony’s situation did not improve.

She paused to look up at Tony, “Is something the matter? You usually perk up for me with no effort. Have I done something wrong?”

“No…it’s not you love…,” he paused, longer than he’d intended.

“Just been under a lot of stress lately,” he sighed as he pulled away. He turned his back on the regal woman to look around the room for his clothes.

Dede wasn’t buying it. His tone. That pause. Something was definitely up. She had never known her beast to act or sound so tame in all the years she’d known him, not even during his grooming period.

“But you’re even more marvelous when you’re stressed…or have you forgotten Abidjan?” she asked, biting her lip.

He shrugged at her retort.

Tony was troubled by his recurring limpness.

xxx

Esi’s heart froze when she saw the Caller ID on her phone screen.

Alicia.

Why would Alicia be calling her? For what reason? Was it about Tony? Had she found out about them?

The phone was still ringing but Esi just stared at her mobile. A million worst-case scenarios flying around in her mind each time her ringtone looped over.

She decided she would not answer the call.

It’d been over eight months since they last spoke and the distance that had grown between them suited Esi, considering the increased frequency of her liaisons with Tony in those months. After years of clandestine maneuvers, she felt she was finally closing in on Alicia’s husband.

Both women had known each other from childhood. Esi even witnessed Alicia’s declaration of Tony’s marriage proposal.

The announcement was a mild shock for her at first but she remembered feeling something resembling happiness for her longtime friend. Alicia had found a man who could actually hold her attention. He had to be special. She’d seen Alicia turn down the most desirable of bachelors - a few of whom Esi herself subsequently sampled extensively - on countless occasions.

In her quiet moments, she sometimes wondered why her then soon-to-be-engaged friend seemed to routinely attract men of a higher caliber without even trying, while she often had to go above and beyond to pull a semi-decent man. She felt she was equally as - if not more - attractive than Alicia and just as accomplished professionally but somehow, she always seemed to come out second-best to her childhood friend when it mattered. These thoughts irked Esi more than she cared to admit to herself.

Alicia mirthfully introduced her old friend and soon-to-be-husband to each other a few days after her announcement.

Their eyes locked for a brief but intense moment during the exchange of pleasantries.

xxx

Nyarko Abronoma could not look at the man she called her son.

She was disgusted.

Why were the men in her family such cancers?

To the uninitiated, her family’s men were walking gods. Dazzling men who could bend the wills and desires of the staunchest hearts. They were gifted manipulators and they used their power to wreak havoc. Their preferred targets, were often women of high standing and character. They swarmed on these women like bees to honey. Once ensnared, their targets were mentally and emotionally stretched and bent beyond their limits, enduring relentless acts of gross disrespect and shame on account of these bedeviled men. And in no time, the prey merely became a shell of their former selves.

Nyarko, at the age of nine, saw her mother gradually lose her mind. A year later, a young Nyarko watched on as her mother was lowered into an unmarked grave. Both events, her father’s handiwork.

Her mother used to say that the men of Nyarko’s lineage were descendants of the fallen angels from the Book of Genesis. The Nephilim.

Even in her womb, she already knew Tony was one of them. Throughout her pregnancy, Nyarko prayed, fasted, sought the counsel of several spiritual leaders to save her unborn child. She desperately wanted her son to chart a different path than the men before him.

Tony didn’t know how to break the silence between them.

His mother had always been his trump card whenever things between him and Alicia were coming to a head. This time around though he was seeking his mother’s intervention as a Hail Mary. He knew she admired and loved Alicia. She would probably have traded her for him as her child if she had her way.

He told her what had happened, leaving out a few details.

Nyarko knew her son hadn’t told her everything.

She raised her head to observe her son. A beautiful boy with a Machiavellian heart. He was a poisoned chalice like his predecessors.

Tony looked away, uncomfortable with her soul-piercing stare.

“I can’t help you and I won’t,” she said in Twi.

He was stunned.

“I won’t let you drive that poor woman to the grave. If I help you, you are only going to repeat what your grandfather put my mother through and what my brothers did to their wives. Alicia is too much of a good woman for that. Too much. She deserves better. This time you have been exposed for all to see and we both know there are countless more lies and secrets behind those scheming eyes of yours!”

Tony’s throat tightened. He hadn’t anticipated this tirade from the old woman.

“You think I don’t know about you? The things you scurry around town doing like a possessed rat? I weep for Alicia everyday. I always pray to God to give her strength in dealing with you. You have no shame. Even during your wife’s miscarriage you had no decency, no respect for her, not an ounce of self-control. Hiding in and out of Accra with your concubines.”

Nyarko spat at her son’s feet.

“If anything should happen to Alicia, it will be on your head and I pray you pay for it.”

xxx

Three weeks and still no word from Tony.

Alicia’s call coupled with Tony’s prolonged radio silence led Esi to assume the worst.

She was driving back into Accra, via the Accra-Tema Motorway, after wrapping up a meeting in Tema's harbour area. Hawkers streamed along either side of her car, as she neared one of the highway's three toll booths.

Esi's mind was spinning. Everything seemed to be falling apart. Had she been stupid? Why couldn’t she be allowed to have her own slice of heaven? Was it a crime to want to be loved? She didn’t mean Alicia any harm but the connection between her and Tony was unavoidable.

Why was Tony all of a sudden ignoring her? Why weren’t they making love anymore? She knew  he had a harem of ‘playmates’ he could call on but he always came back to her. Was he over her? Had somebody else taken her place?

Too many questions with no answers. She wracked her brain to think of a solution, a way out through all the madness.

Dede. The Madame. The old woman would probably know something. She and Tony were close, a little too close for Esi’s liking. But Esi figured that a woman at that age didn’t have that long to live, no matter how well she kept herself or how many boys she gobbled up, so Esi was fine with their relationship. Besides she was on good terms with Dede, the three had had some raunchy episodes through the years.

Esi called Dede and inquired about Tony.

“I last saw him about a week ago but I haven’t heard from him since then,” Dede stated.

More worry for Esi. He had gone to see Dede but had not even bothered to call her for three weeks? What was going on with him? Was he over her? She knew Dede had some skills but the old witch had enough boy toys to keep her satisfied.

Dede hummed an Erykah Badu tune. Esi forgot she was still on the line.

“Thank you Dede. I’ll give him a buzz again.”

“Dear girl, hold on for a second please.”

Esi was caught off guard by The Madame’s request. Outside of their fervid love-ins, Dede was typically brisk and forthright with her.

“Have you noticed anything…strange about Tony lately?” Dede asked, an almost mischievous lilt in her slivery voice.

“Strange? What do you mean?” a puzzled Esi asked.

“His performance, has it changed in any noticeable way?” The Madame was sipping on something in the background.

“Oh Dede…,” Esi responded bashfully.

“My girl let’s not beat around the bush. Is anything different or not?”

The sudden firmness in The Madame’s voice unsettled Esi.

“W-Well…recently he doesn’t respond to my touch. You know…,” she didn’t know why she was so shy in speaking to Dede about her sexual affairs with Tony. She had seen the woman on all fours.

Static on the phone.

“He can’t get it up,” Esi muttered feebly.

“Mm..I see. Thank you Esi, that’s all I needed to know. Best of luck reaching him.”

The line cut.

Why would Dede ask that? Was she experiencing the same issues she’d been having with Tony?

The suspicion that had been floating in Esi’s mind for the past few weeks was too absurd to now consider an actual possibility. It was impossible for that to happen to Tony, he was too red-blooded, way too potent for that.

It couldn’t be.

No...no..not Tony...

Tony couldn’t be…?

No!

It isn’t possible. Tony couldn’t be impotent. The mere thought alone was utterly absurd.

But how else could she explain his sudden limpness? Plus Dede would never have asked that question if she hadn’t noti---

Esi fatally rear-ended her Nissan Qashqai into a heavy cargo truck.

xxx

Their luxury three-bedroom apartment home on Second Circular Road, Cantonments, was a stone throw away from the U.S. Embassy. It was a $600,000 property that Tony had astoundingly managed to wind down to a sale price just short of a $100,000. Alicia used to call him ‘Puppet Master T,’ for his uncanny ability to always get what he wanted.

Tony lingered outside the apartment door for nearly half an hour. He was jittery.

A flurry of deep and quick deep breaths filled his lungs as he steeled himself and turned the doorknob.

The apartment felt hostile as if it despised his presence.

His sweep around his marriage home confirmed Alicia had packed up, that much was clear. Their bedroom was half empty, with no trace of his wife left in the room. Alicia was gone and she was gone for good.

A small stack of papers was neatly arranged on the bed. Divorce papers and a small sheet with a number to call when he was done signing. That was Alicia, methodical and precise, even in the worst of circumstances.

Tony sat on the bed, staring at the divorce papers.

He wanted to call Alicia but thought better of it. She’d probably blocked him on all platforms. When his wife didn’t want to be found, she did it well.

The die was cast. There were no more moves he could play.

Something vibrated under his left thigh, briefly snapping him out of his self-pity. He shifted his weight to find the smoking gun that had ended everything.

Tony unlocked the phone to find a freeze-frame shot of a busty Fola in a most compromising position. Alicia must have watched the video countless times, trying to make sense of it all. Her soon-to-be ex-husband zoomed out of the video application to the notification center.

Ato, his closest friend and fellow degenerate, had just sent him series of confusing text messages.

The first message read: “Bro...I have been trying to reach you.” Tony checked his call log to indeed find several missed calls from his main man.

Second message: “I don’t know if you’ve heard already.”

Third: “Bro…I’m so so sorry about Esi...I can’t imagine what you’re feeling. I’m so sorry bro. Please call me if you need me. I’m here for you…”

xxx

Marijuana smoke filled the air of the love nest.

Tony’s head lay buried in Dede’s bosom. He was silent, as Dede gently stroked his head and offered hushed words of consolation.

She drew a few more puffs from her joint and moved it down to Tony’s lips but her wounded warrior declined.

They stayed silent for a lengthy period of time as Dede spaced out from the weed.

Memories of a lifetime’s worth of sexual dissipation with her favorite boy streamed across her mind. Despite her wanton admiration for his sexual prowess, she had grown to develop an affection for her former protégé over the years.

The Madame, as Dede was referred to by Accra’s high society, had known Tony since he was fourteen. Even as a sprightly teenage boy - and much to her pleasant surprise - he oozed raw potential with his savage-like lovemaking abilities. By seventeen, the boy could do things she had never known men to be capable of. He had a frightening and near bottomless appetite that bordered on the frenetic, that even her infamous grooming techniques couldn’t temper.

She shed an unseen tear for her paramour’s wasted manhood. To be completely robbed of his virility in his prime was a cruel blow from the gods.

Dede nonchalantly crushed the end of the burnt-out joint into an ashtray on the bedside table.

“It’s a pity but it seems I have no use for you anymore, my dear,” she said sofly.

Tony was still, his eyes shut. It was what he expected from his Madame.

“There’s a young French couple coming by shortly. Quite the adventurous duo. It’s a shame you wouldn’t be joining us,” she sighed airily.

“A shame,” he whispered.

She started running rings around his lips.

“You’re of course welcome to stay and watch if you please my love,” she said somewhat coyly.

Tony slowly reached for her moving hand and kissed it.

He rose from his resting place, stretched to his full height, and promptly made his way to the door without looking back.

“Tony..,” he heard Dede call out before he shut the door.

Two spirited European-looking girls gaily passed him in the lobby hallway.

As he stepped onto the elevator, the vivacious couple turned around to take in the view of the brooding stud exiting the floor.

xxx

Tony hopped over the fence that separated the La Beach Hotel premises from the beach.

It was a little past midnight and the cool and salty breeze of the sea, soothed Tony’s mood. The mind-fog was clearing up. Whether the fog’s retreat was a result of the second-hand smoke from the weed or the effect of the beach, he wasn’t sure but he was grateful.

It was a moonless, starless sky. The ocean’s waves roared gently, calling to him. He had been here before, in another life perhaps.

He took in the scene before him one last time and smiled. All was fair.

Tony took the first steps towards his death.

xxx

[drakefanfiction]

Ex Factor Chapter 18

Aubrey's Pov

It was the day of my soft opening for Frings, and this shit was still blowing my mind. Everything was so surreal; having my own restaurant in my home town, and on top of that, talks of a Vegas residency… your boy is really doing big things. I had my entire OVO family and my son was on the way to celebrate with me, only person missing is Raven. To tell the truth, I’m kind of relieved she can’t make it, so now I don’t have to worry about her and Ava butting heads. I know I'm gonna have to come clean soon, especially with all of these flashing cameras in the room. Soon enough they'll be pictures posted on instagram with some blogger thinking they've caught me cheating already, and with everything still being fresh with me and Raven and knowing her the way I do, naturally she's going to jump to conclusions when she sees them. 

I've been trying to keep some space between me and Ava all night so I could avoid that, but that wasn't working too well. I only wanted to get her out of the house and around a few smiling faces so she wouldn't do anything stupid, like hurt herself but that was back firing on me. She was clinging to me all night. I leaned against the bar, waving over the bartender as Ava took a seat on the stool beside me. I can't lie, she looked beautiful tonight. I sent Courtne to pick out an outfit for her to wear tonight and when she walked through that door wearing this burgundy silk dress that stopped at her thigh, I couldn't take my eyes off of her for that moment. Old habits die hard. After the bartender poured another glass of champagne I checked my watch to see what time it was. My mom was supposed to be here with Cam by now. 

I turned to Ava who was sipping on the same glass of cranberry juice for the past 20 minutes with her face scrunched up. "What's wrong with you? You've been acting funny all night." I asked, having her roll her eyes in response.

"I don't like the way your friends are looking at me." said Ava while looking over my shoulder. I turned my head to see who she was talking about and didn't spot anyone looking our way; none of the crew were even standing nearby. "Aubrey I'm ready to go."

"Relax, you didn't even have dinner yet. If you still want to leave after that, then I will make sure you get home safely." I told her. I wasn't trying to leave right now, especially since my mom wasn't here yet. Speaking of my mother; I glanced up at the door in time to see her walking through it with Cam holding her hand while Spoons guided her through the crowd.

I made my way over to them knowing that my mom is too short to spot me. As soon as Cam laid eyes on me, he tackled my legs in a hug. Just as I was about to ask my mom why they were so late, I saw her eyes shift to my left and her cheery face turned to confusion. I glanced to my left, seeing Ava and knew that I had some explaining to do. 

“Mom, you remember Ava, right?” I asked breaking the tension. My mom slowly nodded her head remembering the conversation we had earlier.

Ava smiled, changing her entire demeanor from just moments ago. "Hello Ms. Graham, how are you?" She leaned forward, embracing my mom in a hug.

“I'm fine dear, although I wasn't expecting to you here tonight." My mom replied as she was released from Ava's grasp. "How have you been?" 

“I’m well, it’s nice seeing you again.” She spoke with her first smile I've seen all night, and then turned her attention to Cam. “Hi Cam, I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever.” Her fingers ran through his curly hair. I smirked looking down at the crinkle in his nose, he did not like that. 

“Hi Ms. Ava.” He quietly spoke, still with his arm wrapped securely around my leg like I was about to take off or something.

Ava bent down to his level, touching his cheek. “So are you excited about being a big brother?” She asked, making the smile on my face disappear. The way her eyes met mine I knew it wasn't just a slip of words, she did that on purpose. 

Cam stood there with confusion written all over his face, and before he could ask any questions my mom took him by the hand. “Come on sweetie, lets get you and Bubby something to drink.” The two of them walked off, not before my mom threw one last, "I told you so" look my way. She told me earlier that it was a bad idea inviting Ava tonight.

I took Ava by the hand, leading her through the kitchen and into a storage room where we could talk privately. “What the fuck are you doing? Why would you say that shit to my son?” I whispered so no eavesdroppers could hear us. 

"Aubrey, why are you so upset? It's the truth, isn't it? He's going to find out soon enough." She carelessly brushed it off and tried to get pass me to reach for the door knob and leave the room, but I stepped in front of it to block her path. This conversation was far from over. 

"He'll find out when I'm ready and after I talk with his mother." I told her. I haven't even figured out how to break the news to Raven, and I for damn sure can't have Cam spilling the beans again.

“I told you, our baby has nothing to do with Raven. She doesn't need to know my business.” She argued back, raising her voice at me. 

I took a deep breath, trying not to let this situation get out of hand and have her cause a scene at my opening. “Look Ava, we gotta figure this out, because I'm not going to lie to Raven.” I calmly tried to reason with her. Catching an attitude, Ava just pushed me out the way and stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind her. I stood there in confusion for a moment. How the hell do I keep digging myself in these holes. And who the hell is this woman? It must be the pregnancy hormones, because this isn't the Ava I was dating.

After the party I had Ryan take Ava home, and of course they both gave me shit about that, but I couldn't be around her any longer. She was trying so hard to pick a fight with me the rest of the night and I wasn't trying to give her the ammunition to do so. I hopped in the car with Spoons to take my mom home, with Cam knocked out in the back seat. My phone started vibrating in my pocket, when I took it out I saw Raven’s name on the screen. She’s probably checking in on Cam.

“Hello...” I yawned into phone. It's been so long of a night, I didn't even realize how tired I was. 

“Hey, you sound exhausted. Where are you?” Her soft voice came through phone, sounding like she was in a good mood.

“In the car, taking my mom home.” I glanced over at my mom who was falling asleep herself.

“So, was the opening a success?”

“Yeah, you can say that. Wish you were here with me though.”

“I know, but my flight was delayed so I landed in Toronto late.”

“It's cool, I-" I paused for a second, letting her words settle in. "Wait, what? Where are you?” I asked, making her laugh on the other end.

“Well right now I’m at the condo, in your bed naked, but I can’t say how long I’ll be this way. I'm starting to get a little sleepy myself.”

“Yeah right, stop playing Raven.” I laughed it off. I was just on her instagram an hour ago and she was posted up in her hotel in, New York. A few seconds later I felt my phone buzz with a notification; a text from Raven. I opened the message and sure enough she was in my bed with damn near nothing on. I put the phone back to my ear, “I’ll be there in 20, so don’t move." I told her before hanging up. I'm not sure what's gotten into Raven, but I like it.

When I got to the condo, all of the lights were out. I didn't tell the crew why they had to get a hotel tonight because I didn't feel like all of the question about me and Raven, and our current situationship. Hell, I don't even know what we are right now, but whatever it is, it got us moving in the right direction, and as you know I'm all for that. 

As I walked through the kitchen, I tossed my phone and wallet on the counter and headed towards the bedroom. My hand touched the doorknob, easing the door open to see lit candles all around the room. Raven laid in the middle of the bed wearing a black lace bra and matching panties with a smile on her face.

"Damn, that was quick. Did you run all the red lights?" She asked as she sat up on her knees.

"Every last one." I leaned down to kiss her lips. Damn she smelled good. "What are you doing here? I thought you had interviews and all that?"

Raven just shrugged her shoulders as she reached for my belt buckle, undoing it as she spoke. "Well, I cancelled to be here with you." She said as she slid the zipper down to my pants.

I looked down at Raven, staring at every curve of her body. In this moment, I didn't want anything or anyone else but her. "I could get used to coming home to you like this." I pulled my shirt over my head and tossed it to the floor. Her eyes roamed from my chest, traveling lower making her bite her lip. Raven leaned in, touching her soft lips against my neck. "I'm not trying to ruin the moment, but I have to ask." She stopped kissing my neck to look at me. At this very second I had everything I could want, but I needed to know if it's real. "What are we Raven? What are we doing right now?"

Raven smiled, pulling me down on the mattress. she climbed on top of me, straddling my lap as she placed her hands on my chest, looking me dead in the eyes. "Look Aubrey, I know I said lets takes things slow, but slow never really worked for us. When I said that I was ready to give us another try, I meant it; no regrets. I'm all yours and you are mine." She leaned down, kissing me softly on the lips to seal her words. Finally, I had my woman back.

One Month Later  

I can't tell you how long it's been since Raven and I have been on the same page. We've been  together almost everyday since we got back from Toronto, and Cam's been loving every second of constantly having me and his mom around at the same time. We're still back and forth between houses because of course, Raven isn't ready to take that step and move back in, but I get it. I could almost say everything is just right... almost. Me and Raven still have to go to the judges marriage counselling before he'll grant the divorce and on top of that I still haven't spoken to Raven about the baby. Now before someone starts thinking the wrong thing about me keeping secrets, this isn't like before. I want more than anything to tell Raven about Ava being pregnant, but Ava made it clear to me before I left Toronto that if I told Raven about the baby before she's ready, she would shut me out completely, as in out of our child’s life and I wasn't trying to have that type of drama. So instead, I kept everything low key and we only communicated about doctor appointments.

Now that everything had died down and the restaurant was up and running I was now back to the music side of business. There's some ideas that been stuck in my head, so 40 sent some beats over so I can get them out. I sat in the studio with music blasting as I wrote down some lyrics that popped in my brain. I kept it going until I had the hook perfected. The door of the studio opened, I looked up just as Raven was walking in, in her pajama shorts and OVO t-shirt with feather in her hair. I laughed at the sight of her making, Raven roll her eyes.

"Good morning. Why do you have feathers in your hair?" I asked, making Raven pick at her curls, making some of the feather fall out.

"Cam decided to wake me up with a pillow fight. Needless to say, I won." said Raven as she approached me to sit on my lap.

"You ready for marriage counselling tomorrow?" I asked, causing her to roll her eyes yet again.

Raven didn't take to the counselling like I did. She acts like a kid who doesn't want to go to school whenever it's time for our sessions. "To be honest, I don't see the point of continuing these sessions. We've already decided to work things out, I don't see why the judge won't just annul the marriage so we can move forward with a clean slate."

"Well we only have three more weeks, that's only three sessions; besides the I think it's been helping how we communicate with each other. Like now... I would like to share with you, my wife that I am hungry and would like it very much for you to make breakfast..." I asked, making Raven laugh. You see, we've been practicing being open and honest when expressing ourselves, along with listening and relating to our partner.

"I hear you and I do understand that you've been up all night working, and you're hungry; I too have hunger, and if I remember correctly, it's your turn to cook breakfast." She replied.

I thought about it for a moment...she was right. "I guess we're having Fruit Loops."

"You and Cam can have Fruit Loops, I have left over buffalo wings from last night."

"Damn babe, buffalo wings for breakfast? What's up with you and spicy food?" I asked. For the past couple of weeks she's been eating weird shit. She literally walks around with a small bottle of hot sauce in her bag. I saw her pull it out the other day to sprinkle some on a slim jim. At first I thought she was pregnant, which scared the hell out of me, but then I remembered, Raven's on birth control. Thank God.

Raven just brushed off my question, and asked me to play her some of the music I'd been working on all night. As she listened, I pulled my phone out to scrolled through instagram. Not  even a minute went by and of course a Shaderoom post caught my eye. It was a picture that Michael posted on his page of Raven, sitting on his lap wearing a bikini with a caption of "WCW" under it. Of course the Shaderoom reposted it to start some shit, knowing that it's public knowledge that Raven and I are back together.  

“Why is he posting you on instagram like y’all still together? This shit really starting to piss me off Raven.” I gave Raven my phone to show her the post. This nigga has been doing blatant disrespectful shit like drunk texting and calling her phone in the middle of the night, and sending her flowers; like I don't even exist. I know Raven wants me to chill because he got his little feelings hurt, but there's only so much I'm gonna let slide.

“Baby relax, I can’t control what he post and it doesn’t matter any way, you’re the one I’m here with.”

“It does matter. It’s been over a month a he still doesn’t get that y’all are not together. This is why I don’t want you around him.” Raven's been doing a press tour for Creed 2, so that means he gets to be around her when I'm not around. I'm not stupid, if he's still calling trying to get her back, I know he's trying it in person too.

“Aubrey you know I have to work with Michael and that’s all it ever is., so can we please not argue about Michael tonight.”

“I’m just saying Raven, either you gonna say something to him or I will-” She kissed my lips to shut me up. When Raven broke the kiss she had a playful smile on her face.

“No more talk about Michael, okay?" She asked. I nodded my head, letting it go... for now. Just as she was about to say something else, her phone rung. She looked down at the screen, and jumped up from my lap. "Shit." Raven cursed under breath.

“I swear, if it’s him again--”

“Relax it’s, Tiana. Chubbs is stressing her so she wants to get out of the house. I told her I'd pick her up at this morning.” She said as she tried to walk out the door, but I grabbed Raven by the waist, pulling her back to me.

“What about our plans?” I asked as I kissed Raven's neck, making her giggle.

“Aubrey, we didn’t have any plans today.”

“Trust me, I got plans for us.” My hands dropped down from her waist moving lower but Raven grabbed my wrist, wriggling out of my reach.

"Later, I promise." She gave me a quick peck on the lips and backed away.

“Fine, go be with Tiana. While you're at it, tell her to stop tripping on my boy.” I said to her as she turned to leave the room with a smirk on her face. Even though I'd rather be chilling with Raven today, deep down I do hope she can talk some sense into her friend, because I'm gonna lose my mind if Chubbs keeps calling me at 3 o'clock in the morning. At this point I mind as well be apart of the relationship too.

Raven's Pov

After allowing Aubrey to talk me into making breakfast, I took a hot shower; throwing on something casual to pickup Tiana. 35 minutes into the drive to West Hollywood, I was finally pulling into the guest parking of her and Chubbs complex. She called me last night to update me on yet another installment of their drama, so I invited her out with me today. You see, Tiana’s still feeling some type of way about her and Chubbs not being on the same page in regards to marriage. It’s been over a month and she’s still in her feelings about it. As her friend, I do understand her side and why she’s hurt; no one deserves to be strung along. On the other hand, no one should be forced into making a life changing decision out of fear of losing someone. It’s basically a lose, lose situation unless someone compromises.

The doors of the elevator opened once I got to the 7th floor. As soon as I stepped off, I heard muffled shouting. I hoped that it wasn’t them yelling loud enough for their neighbors to hear, but that went out the window once I reached their door. I guess I’m right on time because they clearly need some space. I knocked on the door hard enough to be heard over the noise and sure enough, the voices stopped. A minute or two went by before the door swung open.

“Hey girl, I thought you were coming at 11:30?” Tiana asked with a fake smile like she just wasn’t in here calling Chubbs everything but a child of god.

“I’m only 5 minutes early T. Is everything okay?” I glanced around the apartment, spotting broken plates and glasses on the floor.

“Something like that.” She said as she stepped over the glass like it wasn’t there to grab her bag from the couch. “You ready?”

“Yup, I just-”

“Tiana, we’re not finished talking.” Chubbs emerged from the bedroom, cutting me off just as I was about to ask to use their bathroom.

“Hey Chubbs.” I smiled and waved, trying to cut the awkward tension but it did little to help.

“I’m done talking. I’m going out with Raven so don’t wait up.” She coldly responded to him. Without speaking a word of goodbye, she grabbed her keys and walked out the door leaving Chubbs with a blank stare.

“Ok...bye Chubbs.” I said to him as I slinked out behind her. I kind of felt sorry for him.

The elevator ride to the parking garage was silent. Tiana just leaned against the wall with her lip poked out and arms folded across her chest. We made it down to my car, and she got in, slamming the door so hard I thought the glass would shatter.

“Um, I know you’re upset but damn, don’t take it out on my door.” I said as I put my seat buckle on. She sighed, turning down HER and Daniel Caesar on the radio, just as I was about to turn it up.

“I’m sorry girl. This boy just got me so irked.”

“I can see that. What happened now?” I prodded to get more info on the drama. She wasn’t able to go into detail last night over the phone. Nothing like a nice car ride and R&B music to get you to open up to your best friend.

“I think Chubbs is cheating on me.” She replied while staring out the window.

“Are you serious? What makes you think that?”

“How else would you explain his unwillingness to fully commit?” She argued back, making me chuckle a bit. I swear she can be over dramatic at times.

“T, we talked about this. If Chubbs isn’t ready to pop the question, it just.. means he isn’t ready to pop the question. You can’t force that man down the aisle if he’s not mentally ready to make that lifetime commitment just yet. Doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you and it damn sure doesn’t mean he’s cheating.” I reasoned, hoping to get through her thick skull for the umpteenth time.

Tiana sucked her teeth, “Whatever, you sound just like him.” She once again folded her arms across her chest, acting like a big kid. I don’t know how Chubbs deals with this.

“Suck your arms and suck your teeth all you want, but you know I’m right. Look at it this way, wouldn’t you want him to be man enough to tell you that he isn’t ready, rather than lead the both of you down a road that he isn’t too sure about?” I asked. She dropped her arms, finally letting my words sink in.

“I guess I can apologize to him later.” She mumbled under her breath. I just shook my head. I hope that’s one hell of an apology. “Anyway, are we going to lunch or something?” She asked, which surprised me that it took this long. I never got around to telling her exactly where we're going.

“Yes, we're going to lunch, but first I want you to go to my doctor appointment with me.”

“What’s going on? Are you okay?”

“Look in the outside zipper of my bag.” I instructed. Tiana reached to the backseat to grab my bag to place it on her lap. Unzipping the zipper, she reached inside and pulled out a white stick. “Why am I holding a pregnancy test?” Her questioning eyes drifted over to me. I glanced over at Tiana, giving her a look that made her eyes widen. She turned the test over giving it another look. “Bitch! You’re pregnant!” She shouted. Her jaw dropped, frozen in shock before a big smile spread across her face.

“I have my first ultrasound today and I wanted you to come with me.” She leaned over to hug me, causing me to swerve a little in traffic. Horns blared behind us as I got back in my lane. “Uh, could you not get us into an accident.” I joked, making her laugh as she readjusted in her passenger seat. It felt right having Tiana with me. Our relationship was finally getting back to where it used to be.

“Oh my god, I’m so excited for you and Aubrey. When did you--” She stopped mid sentence, her head tilted to the side in confusion. “Wait a minute, not that I’m not happy to be here sharing this moment with you, but why isn’t Aubrey here?” Tiana asked. I was hoping she wouldn’t notice his absence so soon.  

“Uh, because he doesn’t know, and I want to keep it that way… for now.” I quickly blurted out, not making eye contact with her. I turned up the radio in hopes to brush over the subject, but she turned it back down.

“And why is that? He’s always joking about getting you pregnant again, I’m sure he’ll lose his mind when he finds out.”

“Actually, he just might.” I pensively spoke, staring off into traffic. We approached a red light and I turned to my right to see Tiana’s eyes glued on me, waiting for an answer. I took a deep breath and just let it out. “I’m not sure if Aubrey is the father.”

Tiana was frozen. If it was n’t for the slow blink her eyes did I would've thought she turned into a statue. “Um, you wanna run that by me again...”

The light changed and I continued down the road as I went on with the details. “Well, Aubrey and I slept together before Michael and I started dating, and of course me and Michael had sex during our relationship; then there’s Vegas---”

“Where you had sex with Aubrey some more, so basically you need Maury Povich on the case.” She joked at my expense. I never imagined myself in a situation like this. When I took the at home test, I just knew I was overreacting to a late period. I’ve been on birth control, Michael and I used protection; with one exception, and then there’s Aubrey who’s the wild card which leaves me completely lost.

“This is not funny, Tiana I feel like a big hoe. What the hell am I gonna do if this is Michael’s baby?” Things just got back to normal with Aubrey and I, but I don’t know what’s going to happen if this isn’t his baby. I mean, can I really expect him to just stick around.

Wiping the amusement from her face, Tiana shifted in her seat, placing a comforting hand on my thigh. “Look, lets just hope for the best and whatever’s meant to be will be. One thing for certain is, Aubrey loves you. I’m sure you two will work through whatever comes next.” She assured me, and believe it or not, it took some of the weight off of my chest. Tiana’s right, Aubrey and I have been through too much just throw it all away again. Besides, I don’t even know what the outcome is going to be yet.

“You’re right, I just need to calm down. Once I get this ultrasound and find out how far along I am, I’ll know for sure who the father is.” I said as I maneuvered into a parking in front of Dr. Baxter’s office.

Tiana unbuckled her seatbelt, “And, I thought I had drama.” She playfully mumbled under her breath as she got out of the car. Drama was an understatement. I just hope today goes my way, if not then we’ll all be seeing just how much Aubrey loves me pretty soon.    

[brandimorri]

LOVE IS REAL!

FIRST BLOG….

So, this is my first blog and I’m somewhat nervous! I’ve been researching how to write blogs and I see its just us bloggers talking to you readers!

My first blog is going to be about LOOOOOOVE…exciting right? Well maybe for us ladies not so much for the men *go figure* but you all are still welcomed to read and hopefully gain something from it. This blog will be more of a story than your typical blog. So, here it goes!!!!!!

LOVE IS REAL….

By: BrandiMorri

In case you all didn’t know, love is real. How do I know? Because I thought I was in love at one point in my life but once I finally let go of what was and found what is, that is when I found out what I was dealing with wasn’t actually “love”. It was a situationship, it was desperateness, it was me being young and naïve. Here it was 2007 I was in middle school calling myself liking and “dating” this boy CC *rolls eyes* PSSHHH! Yeah RIGHT! Our “liking” lasted on and off for 7 years all the way to our semi-adult life, I’ll say I was probably 19 or 20 when it ended. Now during the mist of our little break-ups, I was still having my fun 😉. What I was dealing with—with CC was being his convenience. It was convenient for him to treat me the way he did, lying to me, cheating on me, playing with my emotions knowing I’d do anything for him. My mother saw it and knew it wasn’t right. But what did I do? I continued dealing with the kid, falling deeper and deeper for him. I was convenient when he needed a ride or was hungry and when we were older I was convenient when he wanted sex although he was out screwing and entertaining other females. The last time we split ways was the last time I wanted anything to do with him. We kept in contact and he tried to come back but I didn’t allow it because my attention, my eyes were on someone else all while dodging CC’s phone calls and messages. Lying to him the way he used to lie to me “oh I’m sorry I was sleep” “oh sorry I was doing homework” “oh I’m sorry I was in the library” although there was validity to my lies, I could’ve easily replied to his messages or answered his phone calls; I chose not to because I was over him, I didn’t want to be with him anymore.

 In 2014 when I was at Bethune-Cookman University on my way to class I saw this tall, hefty, handsome, good-looking guy, his skin was the color of butter pecan. This wasn’t my first time seeing the handsome man but the first time we’d ever made eye contact (this is the person who I said had my attention btw). His brown beautiful eyes met my eyes, never exchanging words or a smile I nodded my head to him (Miami way of saying wassup lol) and he nodded back. OMG! How I had butterflies and couldn’t do anything but smile once he passed. I asked a friend who he was, and she told me his name. So ironically *wink wink*, I found his Instagram and started following him, he followed me back and from there we were liking each other’s pictures back in forth. Still seeing each other on campus and still never saying anything to each other, just blank stares and lookbacks I felt as though we were communicating with our bodies and eyes 😉 he knew I wanted him and I knew he wanted me.

Here it was, fall time in Daytona Beach, Fl the leaves were falling, the sun was shining with clear blue skies during the day and by night fall the air was nice and crisp. I’ll never forget it was October 31st, 2014 and there was a Halloween costume party at a night club called Coliseum which was located on North Beach Street, but it’s now a game room, and guess who I see there? YES! The handsome guy 😊 once again we meet eyes and smiled at one another. As the night grew later, I was on the stage enjoying the vibe and having fun. I look afar, and I see Mr. Handsome walking in my direction, he FINALLY approaches me……yes, I was shy and yes, I acted as if I didn’t see him. So, once he approached me Mr. Handsome does the usual by introducing himself although I already knew his name I still let him talk. To this day I don’t know how we heard each other talking over the loud music that was blasting in our ears? It was like everything besides us was on pause because I don’t remember nothing at all that went on around us, I don’t even remember hearing the music at one point. We continued talking and exchanging numbers and I kid you all not after we were done talking Mr. Handsome asked if I was his “bae” and me being me I wanted him, so I said yeah, no sooner than me saying “yeah” this guy KISSED me dead on my lips…I damn near fell to my knees lmao. **Glad his breath didn’t stink** ‘cause then that’s when I would have had to leave him where he was at lol.

So, several days, weeks, and months go by I started falling for Mr. Handsome. I knew I started loving him when he asked me if I wanted food HAHA! But in all seriousness, I saw how he did for me without me even asking. I saw the realness in him. The generosity he shared with me I had never seen or witnessed in ANY of my past relationships or dealings. That is when I grew even more fond of him and actually started loving him, he didn’t know that until he asked me to be his girlfriend.

On February 17th, 2015 my entire world did a full 360 <3

The day Juan snatched my heart and put a lock on it. Since that moment, that day, Juan hasn’t showed me anything less of what love should be like or feel like. I never truly knew what being in love actually felt like until I met him, and I wouldn’t have never known if I didn’t let go of what was. Being in love is a natural high! You get high off the love your partner gives you, the laughs you all share, the lengthy late-night conversations, the energy and connection you all put into sex and the love you all make. Its seriously a different feeling a BETTER feeling when you stop being someone’s convenience and start being someone’s priority. That is when you find out that…...

LOVE...IS...REAL!

[thoughtcock]

Post breakup reflection

1. What was my role in the demise of this relationship?

Many times, he has expressed to me that I am not fulfilling his needs enough and that he’s way more giving than I am in the relationship. 

For example, he expects sex at least 3-4 times a week, and uses sex as a way to destress himself. For me, working full time with irregular schedules makes it pretty difficult for that to commit to this much sexy time. Plus, when I’m stressed, sex is the last thing I would think of. As such, I felt guilty and pressured whenever I can’t seem to satisfy him physically. It’s like I’m expected to still give a blowjob and whatever after a long, hectic and possibly even traumatising day at work. During the whole period of dating I felt like I partially lost interest in sex. Not just because of work stress, but I’m sure he played a role in making me feel like this as well. As a result, sometimes our times in bed can feel "boring” or I just seem to feel pain/discomfort from sex. To him, being unable to satisfy him made him feel upset, and he would be meaner to me as a result. Honestly, 1-2 times a week is more than enough for me, but sometimes he made me feel like I never tried, and that hurts but I guess that disinterest has caused the downfall. He said so much hurtful things to me in retrospect, and I can’t believe I just took in everything he said and thought we could work this out again.

He thinks I’m too passive and quiet, always being unable to speak my mind and engage in deep conversations with him. But again, I always felt like I am trying my best, its just I’’m so tired from work and I physically just dont have the energy to keep having deep philosophical conversations over and over again. Sometimes I would just like my downtime to be chill, making dumb jokes and just doing mindless stuff together. I would admit that it can be difficult for me to speak my mind at times, but I really really really did try my best to open up as best as I can. I am not sure how else I can be open already to be honest. And the more he demands that from me, the more emotionally tiring it is for me. Because I really am not sure where I have gone wrong in that regard, but I just know what I’m not doing enough to him has caused the downfaill of our relationship.

The nature of my job has also caused a lot of friction between us as well. There were times where I would unreasonably make him translate a lot of sound bites for me, lots of last minute OT days that left him waiting for me, lots of anxiety on my end that he can’t seem to help me with. In all honesty, he has never been that respectful to my job, and questioned my skills as a reporter. But for me, I just wished he couldnt understand why I felt like this and just be there for me (without making fun of me) when things got tough. It is my fault to an extent because I sometimes cannot control my emotional outbursts during work and that work always seems to throw me a curveball and that I am constantly seeking help from him. 

It fucking sucks but I guess its really our needs clashing against each other, and it feels so fucked up to admit that I let myself be treated like that and I question myself if I will ever be enough. 

2. What can I do differently in my next relationship?

Writing this out made me realise that all these demises are really out of my control. But I know there’s some aspects of myself that i can change. I agree that I’m a passive and less giving person, in which I swore to myself that I would change when we patched back again. I guess it was too late because you broke my heart really soon after that. 

I would do so much differently. I would never ever let myself feel small, belittled or get fucked over by a man again. I would find someone who can compliment my lifestyle and needs, and vice versa. I would find someone who makes me believe that I am enough, that I don’t have to fight so hard just to maintain the relationship. I would be more guarded, as I now realise that even the most unexpecting of people can do horrible things like cheating, but not too guarded that I lose my ability to be vulnerable and have trust issues with the guy (I should never feel like i have trust issues if I’m with someone who truly loves me). I would never settle for men who are not willing to commit, or second guess their commitments halfway through the relationship. I will never be with someone who has cheated, or are still in contact with their toxic exes. I would not be with someone overly religious. I would never be with someone who pressures me for more sex.

As for myself, I want to be more giving to the person who is deserving of it. I want us to plan for our goals and future together. I want to be more communicative even when the times are tough. I want to shower him with more loving words, little handmade gifts, acts of service to show that I’m thinking of him more. I want to be more appreciative of their presence and love, never to take them for granted. I want to spend more quality time with him, while doing my best to balance my work well and not unload shit on him too much. 

3. Have I been realistic in my expectations?

I realised that by being attached to someone, I tend to let my expectations go down without even realising, as I think my needs are not as important for now. For example, I would prefer to rent a house together and have a chat on how we can align our life goals together, our financial goals. If marriage is on the line, sure I am open to it. I would prefer to have pets over children anyday as well. I am also willing to move out to anywhere, like a bonnie and clyde do or die moment together. Our lives didn’t have to be stable exactly, I just needed a stable person that can do life with me even with all the crazy unexpected adventures ahead.

In hindsight, my ex was suddenly unwilling to do all of that with me. He gave me excuses like him still finding a job and not thinking of the future, and later just outrightly admitted that he didn’t want a lifestyle like that. And here I was, being naive enough to accept his words, thinking that we can talk about this again in the future, when his career is more stable bla bla bla. And in the end, that caused us to break up.

I would say at my age, my expectations are pretty reasonable, its everything a long-term couple would have to face eventually. It just too bad I’ve been dating people who seem to have commitment issues or “cannot give me what I want”. But what I want is pretty ordinary in any healthy relationship,.........

4. Would I date me?

I would say yes, I think knowing myself, I am a more fun person who can live a life free of guilty conscience. I am not exactly a morally bad person I think? I think I am a mentally strong person despite all of life shits thrown at me, and I am a committed person once I think I am the person for me. Just look at me in my previous relationships, trying to stick by the people I thought who loved me until they told me they couldn’t. Also, my looks ain’t that bad if I take care of myself well

Of course, there’s some aspects of me that may not be dateable. For example, I’m messy, disorganised, overly emotional at times. I may be passive at times as well. I am not exactly the kindest person as well, I take more than I give. Oh well, no one is perfect right?

5. Who was he really?

Wow... a miserable, narcissistic, cynical and all round horrible person. I might be biased because he cheated of me and broke my heart, but I really never expected him to be this heartless. To be asking me “Why are you so upset since its not your fault”?/?? Like hello are you dense or stupid or just fucking ruthless? I am upset and heartbroken because I LOVED YOU. Yes, you warned me this is the kind of person you were, but yet I am so dumb to love you and accepted your flaws. I thought my love was enough for you. Oh well, at least when the next person tells me that, I would gladly fuck off next time, because who knows when they will use that against me. Thank you for showing your true colors again and again. I think I was just blinded because I accepted the fucked up person as you are. Fuck you, you miserable shithead and for telling me all these lies at the start of our relationship. fuck you for rushing into this, and pressuring me to date and have sex with you even though I had my reservations and I would have taken things slow. Fuck, typing this out just made me realise how much I gave in to you. And that makes me sad because I comprimised so many of my beliefs just to get together with you. You really did make me feel like a fool in the end, fuck you. 

6. What is my limiting belief?

Living in this city can be such a lonely thing. When I was single, I let myself do situationships and FWBs and hook-ups, but all these just served to make me feel empty in the end. I thought I could be happy on my own, but thinking about it now, I had the help of many passing men in my life to distract things. Now that I’m not about that lifestyle anymore, it really does make me feel small and empty and lonely here. I guess my limiting belief would be that no matter how hard I try to want to be okay with being alone, I am still scared that I would actually end up alone, even though being alone may not be such a bad thing.

My limiting belief is also that I think I might never be able to find someone who 100% compliments me. Idk why that scares me so much and its such a sad thought, which is why I tend to settle and comprimise for people who may not be so good to me. Will I be able to find someone that aligns with my life goals, while being able to understand and connect to me? Whoever you are, I hope I can find you someday. 

7. What are my plans for me?

It does seem tempting to jump back to dating apps in hopes to find someone again, but I know that is not going to help in the long run. I guess i have to use the next couple of months to really re-evaluate my life and what I want next. Perhaps it is to focus on my career while learning how to manage the hectic-ness that comes ahead, and to form healthy habits like exercise and regular therapy to improve on my well-being. I also want to take the time to connect with my friends and meet new ones again, they have been so helpful to me, being there for me at my worst when I felt like this pain was just too much to bear. I realise now I do have a very good group of friends, and I want to be there for them even if I get into another relationship.

It kinda sucks having to go through this process of breakup again, not going to lie, but I want to take the time to have a clean slate of mind before jumping back to the dating game. and this time, I am not playing any games or taking shit from people who don’t matter. I want to learn how to respect myself enough to walk away from shitty people and situations, I want to learn how to protect my heart better, I want to be a better person for me. I want to love myself more so I can eventually love someone else just as much as I love me. And if that someone never comes? I want to learn to truly accept being on my own. I thought I had that nailed down previously but I guess some lessons need to be re-learnt again. 

If time goes well, I should be able to date again in a few months. I dont really think I have to take many months again to see if Im ok with a relationship again. Because I know its something I want to pursue at this point, and this process may take a long time anyway. So in the meantime, I will just learn how to take everything with a pinch of salt while I put myself out there again.

I am proud of myself for trying to take the healthy way out and trying to heal healthily from this, even though this path feels so lonely at times. But I have to do it for me...

[cremedelacremefanfic]

Crème de la Crème: 36

Ashton

“Y’all think these safe to eat? I ain’t tryna fuck up my whole trip because I decided to fuck with foreign beef?” Aaron thought it was funny but I was dead serious.

We were at this shack that was at the end of the beach. We had planned on meeting the rest of the guys later on but decided to get a bite to eat first.

Sean had already taken a bite of his empanada and was nodding his head. He gave me a thumbs up before taking another. That was all the confirmation I needed to risk it all.

“ASHTON!” My eyes widened at the sound of her voice before looking back to see Evie stomping her way over to where we sat.

“Damn Evie, don’t show out overseas, come on bruh,” Aaron said.

“You shut the hell up!” She hushed him “Kids Ashton? A fucking wedding in the winter time? When the hell did you become my damn fiancé and baby daddy?” She asked tapping her foot angrily.

Sean started choking and Aaron being Aaron couldn’t contain his fit of laughter.

I chuckled nervously, “What you talking about girl?” I asked scratching the back of my neck.

“Oh, so you didn’t tell that man that we have twins at home and that we’ve been together for five years with an upcoming wedding?” Again, she tapped her foot angrily.

“Well nigga, did you?” Sean questioned once he composed himself.

“Yeah, I said it.” I admitted, “But we ain’t come here for no overseas booty call.” I said with a slight attitude.

“Exactly!” Sean co-signed.

“Shit nigga, speak for yourself,” Aaron mumbled.

“Can y'all go?” Evie asked kissing her teeth.

“No, but y'all can get the fuck on with your fake ass marital issues, I paid for my food to sit at this damn table.”

Evie rolled her eyes before turning to look at Sean with an angry expression on her pretty face. “Shut the hell up, Sean,” She said, “You, meet me outside.” She said pointing at me before walking off

“Mhm, you done did it now.” Aaron shook his head.

I walked out of the restaurant towards Evie and looked at her evil ass. She was pacing back and forth as she waited for me. I stood behind her making her stop and look up at me with a frown. 

“Why the fuck would you lie like that? What the hell is wrong with you, huh?” She snapped almost immediately. 

“Why the fuck would you go mess around with a dude that I do business with? All the motherfuckas on this island and you fuck with him?” I questioned.

“Who cares, Ashton! You’re making a big deal out of nothing, you act like I was literally on the beach about have se- wait, why am I explaining myself to you? I don’t owe you anything just like you don’t owe me anything.”

“The hell you don’t.” I grabbed her arm, stopping her from walking away.

She yanked away from me. “I don’t! I could go have sex with Rick right damn now and it wouldn’t matter because of this ringless finger.” She held her left hand up and wiggled her ring finger. “This means I’m a single woman who can do whatever she pleases.” 

“What has that nigga done for you to want you to lay with him, huh? 

“What? And you think you’ve done something worthy of earning me, you haven’t done shit but run game on me since that night.” She snapped back at me.” I couldn’t help but chuckle. 

“You know what I think? I think you’re sabotaging us.”

“Excuse me?” 

“You don’t want us to fucking be great, all you give a fuck about is how I was fucking Adrienne butter face ass. I don’t give a fuc–”

“Nigga, fuck Adrienne! I don’t give a fuck about that bitch! This is about how you wanna play ya fuckin’ games with me. I’m a grown ass woman and I don’t have time for games. You’re used to women fawning over your arrogant ass.” She interjected.

“But, see I don’t do games. You fuckin’ lied to me when you said you weren’t fuckin’ Adrienne airhead ass.” She yelled out.

“I’m not fucking her! She sat on my fuckin’ lap but that was fuckin’ it, Evie. I ain’t fucked that girl since I been fuckin’ with you.”

“I don’t have time for this shit nor do I have time for your petty ass games! You want me? EARN ME! I’m not just another bitch you’re gonna fuck whenever you get horny.”

"Evie, what are you afraid of? Just tell me now so we both can stop playing these stupid little games.” I said.

I knew it had to be some reason why we keep having the same argument and I needed to nip it in the bud, shit was starting to get way too exhausting to deal with.

Had it been any other woman I wouldn’t have dealt with this bullshit and took it as a loss but Evie better be happy I have patience with her ass.

“W-What are you talking about? Just let me go, Ashton.” She tried pushing me off of her but I was letting up on my grip.

“No, let’s settle this now, you and I both know I don’t just want pussy. I don’t need to trick you out of your panties and you know that so what’s up?”

“Do I know that? Do I really fuckin’ believe that you don’t wanna get in my panties? Ashton, there are so many things wrong with our situationship.” She said.

“I’m trying to make it right Eve, on some real ass shit I wanna make the shit right. We’re supposed to be enjoying our vacation not arguing every fuckin’ five minutes! So tell me what the fuck is wrong!” I shouted.

“I don’t trust you!” She yelled “There I fucking said it! I don’t trust no man to be quite fucking honest. After the shit with…you know what forget it.” She turned quickly on her heels and began to walk away.

Quickly, I caught up with her and grabbed her arm and snatching her ass around to me. “The fuck you mean you don’t trust me?” I frowned. I was lowkey heated that she didn’t trust me. 

I wasn’t that much of a fucked up as a person. Despite all the shit we keep going through, I still considered Evie my best friend. Shit, she knew more about me than my own brother. 

I watched her as my once frowned face softened as I thought about all of our conversations and what would make her not wanna trust me. That’s when it hit me, I thought back to our conversations in Malibu. I knew exactly why she didn’t trust me, it was because of him.

“It’s because of him right? Is that what this is about Evie?” She sighed heavily as she looked off to the side to avoid eye contact with me. I stepped forward, closing the gap between us. I gripped her chin, turning her head so that she was looking at me. 

I tilted her head up and looked down into her pretty brown eyes. “It’s him right?” I questioned again. She closed her eyes slowly and nodded her head while biting down on her bottom lip. “Yes.” She whispered.

“What does he have to do with this huh? Why do I remind you of him?” 

“Because I feel like I’m not attractive nor do I feel like I’m fuckin’ good enough for you! There I fuckin’ said it.” She sneered as she tried backing up from me, but I kept her close to me. 

I stared down at her, taken completely aback by her words.

Evie

And there it was, pity. Not only did I see it, I felt it radiating off of him and I hated it.

"Eve… I-”

“No.” I silenced him. “Please don’t try to ease my mind with words you think I want to hear.”

“They would be the truth!”  He argued.

“I don’t believe you!” I cried. “Just let me go, Ashton.”

“Don’t do this, Evie, not now.” He pleaded.

“Please, let me go.” I said figuratively and literally.

His hand slipped from mine as he sighed “This isn’t over.”

Turning my back to him, I wiped my tears as I made my back to the beach where Rick was sitting watching the waves.

“You know, I work so much that I never get the time to come down here and admire the beauty of the waves.” He looked over at me and smiled making me smile back lightly “You work things out with you your fiancé?” He chuckled.

“Rick, I am so sorry. Those guys they’re-

"They’re protective of you, I figured that much the day we met but I would be a fool not to believe that there was some truth to his words”

My face went blank. “I do-I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You really don’t know what I’m talking about mami?” His eyes found mine as he looked back to where Ashton and the boys were. I followed his eyes, Ashton sat at the table with Sean and Aaron and of course Ashton’s eyes were locked on me. 

“Look, whatever you two have going on, you have to figure it out. I can tell that there is something there between you two. A blind man can see that you two have feelings for each other.” Rick said, sincerely. 

“Rick, there is nothing between Ashton and I. He’s just my boss.” He chuckled lightly. 

“Stop being in denial, Evie. You like him and by the way that he is staring at you, he likes you too. You’re more than an employee to him.” I sighed heavily. “You’re a beautiful woman so I can understand why he feels for you. You’re smart, and sexy and let’s not forget you have a smile that’ll make a man go to war for you.” He leaned over and kissed my cheek. 

“You enjoy the rest of your trip, beautiful.” He stood up and wiped his pants off before walking away. I sighed heavily as I rolled my eyes at Ashton who still had his damn eyes on me. 

This was all his damn fault, I was not supposed to fall for this nigga at all. He’s not who I should be attracted to but here I am ready to give that nigga my all. He was no good for me but he was everything I wanted. 

Because of that fucked up man that raised me, I was running from every man I’ve ever encountered. I always felt as if I wasn’t good enough for them and destroyed every relationship I ever had before they even begun. It seemed like I wasn’t pretty enough and that my body wasn’t perfect enough just because of him. 

He was why I was like this because of the constant and severe verbal abuse I endured from him daily. Did I think that Ashton was like him? No. Did I think Ashton just wanted to fuck? Yes. 

“Want me to beat him up for you, sis?” I looked up at August and chuckled softly. “Rick is the least problems, August.” I sighed

“I wasn’t talking about him,” He said as he sat down beside me and motioned over to where the other guys were.

“Wha- you-, what?”

“We’re not stupid, Evie. We peep a lot of shit but we don’t say nothing to you guys but we know. Well, Sean doesn’t want to accept it.” He did a slight roll of his eyes and sighed.

“So y’all just clique up and talk behind our backs?” I questioned with a scoff

I couldn’t believe this, how many times they’ve smiled in my face and didn’t even hint that they knew about Ashton and me. I guess I didn’t have too much of a right to be mad because they were supposed to be my closest friends and I probably should have told them a long time ago

“I mean… yeah! It’s not like you or Ashton were telling us anything so we had to make an inference on our own and plus Aaron got a big mouth.”

“Of course!” I breathed out

“Evie, this is a dangerous game you’re playing, you sure you ready for that?”

“What do you mean?” I asked even though I already knew what he was hinting at.

“Ashton’s my boy and has been ever since college but he has his ways about him which I’m sure you’ve already seen. And on top of it, that’s your boss, babe,” he said

I nodded “I know and I…” I sighed “I’m not sure if I should even give into him.” I admitted.

“I didn’t say deny yourself of what you want, I’m saying be cautious.”

[pettyicequeencee-blog]

IS IT HARDER FOR PHYSICALLY ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE TO DATE?

I always find myself surprised at others for being surprised at me for being single (when I am). More often than none, people do assume my relationship status since I'm not a fan of PDA and posting my every move with "bae". However, when I am actually single I always hear "wow, you're too pretty to be single" or something of the sort and it makes me wonder why do people assume that beauty automatically qualifies your for a husband and advantages of the mile high club? I actually find it quite hard to date being “pretty”. It wasn't until my friend randomly brought it up on group chat that people that are less attractive are actually wining in the dating game. How ironic, I thought. I was just having those similar thoughts recently. I often see what we deem as "odd couples" because one person really is not that attractive. You wonder how they could have possibly hooked up with the other. 

In a world where looks are more important than character, people are often judged and stereotyped unfairly on both the 'attractive' and 'unattractive' spectrum. Now this is not to throw shade at anyone. We all have "ugly" moments in life and I don't find myself being too caught up on the appearance of people. I love a nice looking, well groomed man, but you can be fine and still have an ugly heart. When I think about my own dating experiences I often wondered why I attracted some of the men that I did and why a lot of my situationships never worked out. I have reason to believe that my good looks were the demise of some of my relationships with men. 

PEOPLE ARE LESS HONEST ABOUT THEIR INTENTIONS WITH YOU

Let's face it, when a man finally gets the beautiful woman of his dreams it's no way he'll be as honest and upfront with her about his intentions and the baggage in his life. Why? Because she has options, or at least he assumes she does. His goal is to woo her, whether it's real or not, and make her feel as if he is the man for her because he wants to keep her around. If she isn't impressed with him he might lose her. He will do and say just about anything to keep the situation stringing along. Why ruin a good thing that you never thought you'd be able to experience right? He wouldn't just down right tell her "I don't want a relationship, I want to fuck you" because this opportunity is too good to pass up for him. Issa trophy.

People are more likely to be honest about their intentions with someone less attractive because they don't feel the need to impress them as much. I'm not saying that those that are less attractive don't deserve to be impressed, but people are more likely to impress someone that looks more appealing to them. If you see the a man with a scraggly beard, no hair cut, and a worn out outfit, you're more likely to be upfront with them and blunt about your expectations and what you want from them if they approach you. You have already sized them up and assumed what they have to offer you. You see that same man the next day with a fresh hair cut, a groomed goatee, and wearing a business suit, you're more apt to try to engage in certain dialogue with him. You're intrigued with remaining mysterious and hidden so that you don't appear too eager to get to know him. I can admit, I've done it before as well. REJECTION

I get it, initiating a conversation with a gorgeous woman or a fine man can be quite intimidating. No one ever wants to make the first move because they fear rejection. The peek but don't speak rule applies 3 times more for those that are really physically attractive. People are scared to approach you. I've found myself at an outing, making eye contact with a guy, but he tries to play it too cool or pretend to brush me off. Or how about the guy that likes all of your photos on instagram but refuses to say hi, so instead you say hi and then the conversation starts to flow. He reveal later that he didn't think you'd be into him based solely on your looks. Rejection is one hell of a drug and can ruin someone's self esteem. I've been in situations where I felt as though a guy would purposely go out of his way to get my attention, date me, and then fuck it up and reject me out of the blue. Those that are afraid of you being "too good to be true" often find ways to reject you first because they fear that you might beat them to it. 

YOU THINK YOU'RE ALL THAT

I've heard this phrase one too many times before from people who I've only met once in life and whose names I won't remember, and even from some family and peers. The reason why they assume that "I think I'm all that" is because I look the part, whatever the fuck that means. I actually find it annoying that people would rather judge me and place me in a box of conceitedness rather than get to know me. You know how many times I've heard other women tell me "wow, you actually are cool. I thought you were stuck up" or how many times a guy is genuinely surprised that I'm chill and down to Earth. Growing up I was always at odds with girls my age (some of them family and "friends") because they would attack me or give me side eye because I looked "pretty". I would purposely try to advert the attention off of myself and water down my compliments just to make others feel secure and I hated it. I hated feeling as if I had to ugly myself down on the inside and out just to make friends and satisfy one's hatred of me. A good friend of mine once told me "Girl just take your compliment". Simple. I've had men actually place me into categories or tell me that "I'm one of those types of women", meaning bougie or stuck up, just because of my attire and how I carry myself.

It used to bother me much more when I was younger because I was always being compared to other girls because of silly shit like my hair being fine and curly or like my shape, which are things that are out of my control. At a young age my mom would preach to me "hair does not make a person and neither do looks" and I never understood why she impounded that phrase into my head until I got older. It's because the world is constantly judging you based on looks and comparing you to others. Not to sound cliche, but shit, pretty people have feelings too. I can't speak for everyone, but personally I don't spend all day working on how I can make myself look better. Some days my nails and hair go undone because I'm tired or just flat out broke. Point is, I don't think I'm all that. I know it. Ha! TOO SEXY

Nothing pisses me off more than a guy calling me sexy. I am not a fucking sex symbol. Do I look like Beyonce or Rhianna to you? NO. When a guy constantly calls me sexy, it makes me cringe. I can't stand it. It's the first sign that he really doesn't want to get to know me and see me for who I am because to him I just represent sex. Men can't wait to stick it in something "sexy". Sometimes they can't even make it past your face and the silhouette of your body because they are so stuck on having sexual relations with you. How about a hey beautiful or complimenting me for my intelligence for once. I am not always "sexy". I can easily go from Beyonce to Dennis Rodman in a day. Chill. I am more than just a body to be bagged. Same goes for women. It is not okay to just use men as sex slaves, some of them might actually want something serious with you. Get to know them for more than their Planet Fitness gym body.

LET'S TALK

Beauty and the brains are not that hard to come by. The whole stereotype that you can't be both pretty and smart is complete bullshit. Often times men are taken aback when I open my mouth to talk about politics, social justice, and shit like the universe and I don't know why. Like what the hell did you think we were going to talk about all night, Basketball Wives and 2K17? I think not.  It is often assumed that attractive people can't possibly have anything of substance that is worth talking about. I did not earn a degree in being pretty. Petty maybe...

COMPETITION

I feel as though people are more apt to date people that are less attractive because they don't like competing with other men or women. The thought of someone flirting with your woman/man or standing in the way of a potential relationship really scares people. People would rather not face challenges of feeling insecure, jealous, and cheated on by someone they deem too fine or out of their league. No one likes to compete for one's love and affection. I can only speak from my personal experiences but it is a headache to constantly be under surveillance and deal with a jealous man because he thinks everyone wants you. Even if everyone does in fact want me, I'm with you. Stop it. There is a difference between entertaining someone and someone wanting you to entertain them. In fact, I find flirting healthy (not too much obviously). I would want someone to flirt with me or my man because it let's me know that we still have the juice. As long as I respect you, others should not be an issue. I've literally been at a party with my boyfriend at the time and a girl walked up to him, with me standing behind him, and gave him all sorts of "I will fuck you" eye, and I smiled. At the end of the day he was going home with me and that let me know that I'm working with something. Shoot, I felt lucky.

At the end of the day, an attractive person isn't everyone's cup of tea. A person can find me unattractive for their own reasons. Either way, another's attraction towards me shouldn't divert you away from a relationship getting to know me, BUT some of ya’ll could humble yourselves... I’m just saying!

[lovecomesin]

Different Mindset, same dude

So like always i surprise myself with my ability to mentally sort stuff out and come to a new mindset. remember when i was obsessing over jordan absence and i didnt want to break up with him because i wanted to be with him? well, that is gone lol. and i first have to give thanks to mr or mrs time because that play a big role in this chnage but then my mental also came all the way through in the clutch with this thought process. i also have to thank jordan for beng himself and showing me the real him. lets start with time, at first i couldnt stop checking jordan page and calling him and texting him and then after he deleted that picture that i wanted to just make sure he was okay something told me to just stop trying. i couldnt keep trying. he clearly was not wanting to talk to me or at least ease my mind by telling me what was up so why should i keep trying? i’ll be honest that shit was mad disrespctful and i never got an explanation or apology on why he did that but i digress. next my mental capacity. i’ve always known that when i have a crush on someone it is as if someone but him under this beam of light where he cannot be touched, or judged just admired only. i see no wrong in there actions at that moment because i am blinded by the lights and smoking mirrors. in my defence jordan was really good in the beginning he just got shitty at the very end and i didnt want to let go of the hope of the beginning especially since it was a new relationship. it wouldve seemed ignorant to have just got together only 2 months agao, been amazing and then 1 week ish gets crazy and i break up for good. but as time passed by i started to see and thnk of the situation much more differently than my original thoughts. jordan came back and he was saying all the right stuff about it just being me and him, he wants to spend all this time with me and highly sexual situations that i honestly was willing to acccept but then he started on the monetary aspect of things. when jordan was coming back he told me he was going to get his job transferred to ga and i havent hear him mention anything about working sed job. i remember mentioning work and he plainly said he didnt want to work. I cannot take care of a grown man. i will not take care of a grown man. i like jordan hes sexy, fun, funny and he turns me on in a way im not used to but all of that means nothing to moment he opens his mouth to tell me he gone need me to help him with xyz. dont get me wrong i dont date dudes for there money but i also am not used to being with someone who doesnt slightly have somethng of there own. jordan hasnt even given me a reason to look out for him. he has never came to see me, we only text, he tried to call and ft me but that was at late night hours when he knew i would be sleeping and it was only so he could talk nasty to me. jordan is always asking me for something and this seems like thats mainly what he is intrested in and i refuse to me used or openly waste my time. not again! reggie and ryan were enough. what helped was when jordan called me and asked me to drive to missippi to get him and his friend. he orginally presented it as if, if i didnt come get him that means i dont really rock with him. that pissed me off mainly because i have done soo much for him already that it lowkey pissed me off that he felt as though that would be the defining moment. i was unemployed and drove 30 mins everyday to see this man, i got hi food, cigarettes, liquor and i never once complained. once jordan seen i wasnt moved by what i considered a verbal threat he then ried manipulation. he then told me that this could be a baecation, he wants me to meet his mom and he can get drunk and i can finally see where hes from. while that sounded nice i couldnt get over his orginal thoughts and thats what solidified this for me. jordan may actually want a girl who will hold him down and stuff and i thought that girl could be me but i cant be that girl unless hes showing me he’ the type of guy to hold down. he only makes me happy when we are together. when we are apart it seems as if we are nothing but distant pals. my choice on what to do: i have decided that i dont want a relationship with jordan anymore. i dont care if he calls me back or texts me first or anything for that matter. he merely wants to for financial support and i am not here for that. i wanted a relationship where we both couldve grown from it but clearly he i not ready. i will get what i want from jordan in the event that i still want those things if and when he comes back to atl. i cannot provide any financial suport to jordan nor will i come to him. when he comes back i may link with him so i can have sex and then thats it. jordan was once soo attractive to me in all things but now i cannot finance a guy wi no will power to work. thats ridiculous. hes much to young to only want to focus on rapping only. in the event that he makes it i can fund solace in the fct that i tried and he wa too much. i feel like he doesnt really car about me he truly only wants mt money and pussy. he even told me: you good for it you got a job when he asked me for something that id didnt want to give him, its almost insane how i didnt see this but he wasnt thi person orginally and i still liked him very much. jordan is the only person that can chnage this. he has to show me that he wants me for love, affection, union instead of money and pussy. this person he is showing me is not attractive to me ai want no parts of him. im making it my business to not reach out to him anymore, i’ll be honest he almost had me again but he tlks too much and that is what solidifed it for me. as of now i am single and i will not willingly be used or allow myself to be in another situationship. jordan can fend for himself and if he gets right then we can talk if not i’ll get what i want and leave him the moment i get it. if i want sex i’ll go have sex and leave right after. i cant take you to get beer or cigarette or anything. idk if he purposely was trying to use me or if he just thought he scored a girl who has money but i work too hard to go back. and i wont. until next time lters baby.