doroyamz
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Love in Accra
The road looked like it was sweating.
Rain. Heavy rain. The rush hour traffic on the 37 Military Hospital Road had come to a standstill. The downpour, from nowhere, was a welcome distraction for Tony. Last nightâs encounter with his wife, Alicia, still all too fresh in his mind.
Cars were barely moving along on in the ever-rising storm.
He felt a movement on his right thigh but was too preoccupied with his thoughts to give it any attention. Esi by this time was growing restless, tired of Tonyâs now constant rebuffing of her advances. Last night, and for many nights in the past month, he was totally limp when she unzipped him, a far cry from the throbbing pistol that had thrilled her to no end when they first began their countless rendezvous.
In those early days, they were lust personified. Crazed and addicted to each other beyond reason. Their constant need to feel each otherâs skin had a near cataclysmic pull on them and their respective worlds. Alicia got pregnant in those early days, an event Tony privately regarded as a spillover from being with his now long-standing mistress. Esiâs marriage was virtually in the gutter. She often showed up at home disheveled and night after night, retired to her marriage bed wearing a satisfying post-coital daze on her face. Her husband, would just watch her. Mute and completely emasculated.
But now her once insatiable incubus was limp to her touch. She could not understand it.
xxx
Alicia had found the video on his phone.
Tonyâs entire world came to a screeching halt. His throat was so dry, he wasnât sure if he had one anymore. He stood paralyzed; the phone screen thrust in his face. Cocked his head at an angle as if in disbelief at the two actors in the tiny screen.
The man in the screen was bald, tall and dark and looked very much like him. He stood at about 6â3 with an NBA playerâs build and had the beard to match. The male actor was indubitably approaching climax and his voluptuous female understudy, on cue, fiercely gripped onto dear life â which in that moment, was her male lead.
The ochre-skinned woman in the screen was of the finest fettle. Folasade was a full-blooded Nigerian but her unapologetic curves screamed South Africa. She looked like a Marvel comic heroine brought to life.
Fola and Tony met at a seminar for West African business executives at the Kempinski Hotel, a few months after his wedding. Fola was leading a breakout panel session which Tony sat in on, intoxicated by her form and presence. The two had exchanged steamy glances all day long, making no attempt to restrain their mutual intentions for each other when the conference ended.
Tony could never get enough of Fola and in Tony, Fola had found a man who could satisfy her every whim. They could go for months on end without so much as a text message to each other. But whenever contact was made, their respective schedules were cleared until further notice. They were fully aware that their combined desire was a vast black hole with the potential to consume them, so they took conscious steps to maintain some modicum of balance in their meeting arrangements.
The night the fated video was shot, Fola was headed for a month-long business trip in Morocco. They had arranged to meet at her private office on Volta Street in the Airport Residential Area.
Folaâs suggestion to record themselves as a temporary parting memento was inexplicable to Tony. Her claim that it would be something that would hold her while she was away, seemed puzzling to him. Her feigned desperation, even more perplexing.
Tony was completely against the idea of recording their liaison. Remonstrating over and over again about how technology and affairs of love should never cross. Fola ogled him for a while, offered tiny chuckles as he groped her every now and then during his rant.
Tony became so engrossed in his personal deliberations that he missed her slip into the bathroom. When he finally took a moment to break from his monologue, he was out of breath and had worked up a sweat. The man felt he just needed to wash away all traces of that unholy proposal.
Once on the other side of the bathroom door, Tony became Pavlovâs Dog.
That was over a year ago and Fola still hadnât returned from her trip.
His mind slowly drifted back to the screen. The soft moans and cries. The sound of skin on skin rhythmically playing from the Samsung phone speakers.
He didnât feel shame. He didnât feel regret. He heard Aliciaâs cries, felt her pain slide across his skin. He just stood there. Numb.
xxx
âWe have asked around about TonyâŠAliciaâŠfor your sake, for your parentsâ sake, for all our sakesâŠpleaseâŠdo not marry this man.â
One of the many admonitions Alicia fielded from her aunts and cousins after announcing Tonyâs marriage proposal at her younger sisterâs festive birthday party.
In the ensuing weeks after her announcement, the family matriarchs conducted an extensive background check to gather as much intel as they could on her suitor. From what Aliciaâs mum told her the matriarchs searched far and wide, even unearthing some very unsavory stories about Tonyâs maternal grandfather in Mampong, a township in the Ashanti region.
The women came back with a most damning report on Aliciaâs debonair Asante. Alicia, however, was defiant and unmoved by their findings.
She stood up to address the mini-assembly.
âEach woman here knows how highly I value them. You have all shaped me, guided me and helped me become the woman I am today,â she said in a restrained voice.
âBut with all respect, none of you know Tony like I do. You donât know what I see in him, his potential. The depths of emotion I have felt in the time Iâve gotten to know him. None of you can know that. Heâs not perfect, Lord I know heâs far from it, but I know heâs the one for me. Nothing you say or do can make me feel differently.â
She loved Tony deeply. She had never believed she was capable of loving a man, let alone marrying one, after all the damage she had seen men wreak in and around her life. And Tony had flaws, many serious ones, but he had a certain light to him and he had showed her honesty and a vulnerability she had never known men to possess.
Deep down, she believed she could change him, iron out his weaknesses and over time drive out his especially troubling womanizing habit. She knew he liked women and on countless occasions, with her own eyes, she noticed the magnetizing effect he had on them. Alicia also believed some of his troubles with women lay in the fact that he was a true empath. That he, unfortunately, had never learned to draw boundaries to his empathy which inadvertently led to his many âsituationships.âÂ
âI wonât lie Alicia. I know I have a woman problem. Itâs like an addiction. The intimacy, the need to connect, the sex.â They were having lunch at the Hinlone Chinese Restaurant in Labone. The night before, as they lay in bed, Tony had told he loved her for the first time. Alicia simply smiled at his declaration, electing to play it cool although inwardly, she was beside herself with joy.
Flashes from the video.
The womanâs legs splayed. Tonyâs thrusts. The glistening sheen of sweat.
âBut I swear to you, most of my things with these women often start out because I pity them or I want to help them in some wayâŠalong the line, things just get muddled up andâŠI lose my way...â
The woman crying out in throes of pleasure.
Her mind was a broken dam. Thoughts, memories and conversations flooded her head and receded at their own leisure.
She wondered why these memories and conversations were coming up at this time. The video was still a freshly opened gash, one she had already accepted was going to be a large and permanent scar. But for the other flashbacks, she questioned their relevance to her current predicament.
He was always a monster. Why was I pretending all this time that he wasnât? Who was I kidding?
The video was the bomb but Tonyâs desensitized demeanor and harrowing forced confessions were the firestorm. She knew there was so much more he would have confessed to if she had had any more emotional stamina during her five-hour interrogation of the stranger she called her husband. She had been beyond foolish.
Time had lost its meaning. She had spent three days huddled in the corner of their bedroom tormented by her broken heart and mind.
Alicia just wanted to disappear.
xxx
One week and seventy-seven unanswered calls had passed since the explosive encounter. Tony wasnât sure if Alicia was alive.
He was parked outside the Total House Clinic in Adabraka on a Saturday morning. Completely engrossed in his thoughts and yearning for divine intervention to offer him some guidance. Since his exposĂ©, his mind had been in a fog that thickened with each passing day. The only silver lining were the test results from his urologist. Tonyâs recent erectile issues were deemed a stress response and his dysfunction persisted due to a lack of proper rest. He needed to relax.
His wife was even more inaccessible now than sheâd been during the miscarriage. For Tony, the miscarriage was a living hell made more intolerable by how suicidal Alicia had been. He was disappointed to have lost the baby especially after how hard theyâd tried over the years but a small and, perhaps, darker part of him felt relieved. He didnât think it was right to have conceived a child with his wife barely an hour after stealing sordid moments with another woman. A woman he met through his wife. In his mind, it was perhaps the universeâs way of warning him that he had gone too far this time. He would never have been able to look at that child without seeing Esi in his mindâs eye.
This time though, he had overstepped the good faith that the universe seemed to constantly extend to him. He knew his credit line with the powers-that-be was now in the red and would stay there indefinitely. His latest debt, while not his most damning by a long shot, was irredeemable. He had nowhere to hide. There were no more lies he could spin around Alicia.
But he needed her. He couldnât lose his North Star. She was the only thing that prevented his chaotic nature from engulfing him or so he thought. Surely, after all these years she knew what she was signing on for. Why was she so surprised? That video was nothing compared to the numerous other unspeakables heâd committed over the course of their marriage. Of all the things to do him in, it had to be a twenty-minute porno. What a sick joke.
In a bloodrush, he let out a hollow scream. His mind was drowning in haphazard thoughts.
âWhat have I done? God what have I done?â he blurted out repeatedly at his steering wheel, as he fought to hold back tears.
âWhy? Why now? Why did it happen like this?â he plaintively questioned.
No answer.
Deflated and resigned, he took out his work phone and called the only person who would always welcome him with open arms and accept him for the depraved and gluttonous animal he was.
xxx
Incense burned as Jill Scottâs âHe Loves Meâ played softly from the soundbar. The room had been steamed to perfection.
The Executive Suite at the La Beach Hotel was their favourite love nest. Any sexual fantasy - from orgies to swing parties - either party happened to be in the mood for or could imagine, this was the room that staged its enactment.
Tonight it was just the two of them.
The toned, dark-skinned Ga woman on the bed was in her early seventies but inexplicably did not look a day past twenty. Tightly twisted Senegalese crochet braids, flowed magnificently from her scalp to her dainty waist. Her oval-shaped face remained flawless as did her soft, wrinkle-free skin. How she managed to defy time with her looks and poise was a much pondered upon mystery to all who knew her.
Dede was naked underneath a black, sparkling see-through gown. Her shea-butter glistened body glowed through the gown. A wet, willing and wanting goddess. Ready to be ravaged by her young midnight warrior. She rose to sit on her knees, directing her eyes to her nude captorâs crotch. She rendered a wry smile.
The warrior was flat-out flaccid.
âMm,â she remarked, as she beckoned him to draw closer.
âLooks like our little man needs a little something before he comes out to play eh?â she teased in playful Ga.
He smirked as he approached her, only stopping when his groin and her face were level.
The mind-fog was still present but he closed his eyes as he begun to feel the slow and perfectly measured licking sensations in his nether region. Dede was always masterful with the things she could do with her mouth. Two lifetimes worth of experience to draw from.
Two minutes passed but Tonyâs situation did not improve.
She paused to look up at Tony, âIs something the matter? You usually perk up for me with no effort. Have I done something wrong?â
âNoâŠitâs not you loveâŠ,â he paused, longer than heâd intended.
âJust been under a lot of stress lately,â he sighed as he pulled away. He turned his back on the regal woman to look around the room for his clothes.
Dede wasnât buying it. His tone. That pause. Something was definitely up. She had never known her beast to act or sound so tame in all the years sheâd known him, not even during his grooming period.
âBut youâre even more marvelous when youâre stressedâŠor have you forgotten Abidjan?â she asked, biting her lip.
He shrugged at her retort.
Tony was troubled by his recurring limpness.
xxx
Esiâs heart froze when she saw the Caller ID on her phone screen.
Alicia.
Why would Alicia be calling her? For what reason? Was it about Tony? Had she found out about them?
The phone was still ringing but Esi just stared at her mobile. A million worst-case scenarios flying around in her mind each time her ringtone looped over.
She decided she would not answer the call.
Itâd been over eight months since they last spoke and the distance that had grown between them suited Esi, considering the increased frequency of her liaisons with Tony in those months. After years of clandestine maneuvers, she felt she was finally closing in on Aliciaâs husband.
Both women had known each other from childhood. Esi even witnessed Aliciaâs declaration of Tonyâs marriage proposal.
The announcement was a mild shock for her at first but she remembered feeling something resembling happiness for her longtime friend. Alicia had found a man who could actually hold her attention. He had to be special. Sheâd seen Alicia turn down the most desirable of bachelors - a few of whom Esi herself subsequently sampled extensively - on countless occasions.
In her quiet moments, she sometimes wondered why her then soon-to-be-engaged friend seemed to routinely attract men of a higher caliber without even trying, while she often had to go above and beyond to pull a semi-decent man. She felt she was equally as - if not more - attractive than Alicia and just as accomplished professionally but somehow, she always seemed to come out second-best to her childhood friend when it mattered. These thoughts irked Esi more than she cared to admit to herself.
Alicia mirthfully introduced her old friend and soon-to-be-husband to each other a few days after her announcement.
Their eyes locked for a brief but intense moment during the exchange of pleasantries.
xxx
Nyarko Abronoma could not look at the man she called her son.
She was disgusted.
Why were the men in her family such cancers?
To the uninitiated, her familyâs men were walking gods. Dazzling men who could bend the wills and desires of the staunchest hearts. They were gifted manipulators and they used their power to wreak havoc. Their preferred targets, were often women of high standing and character. They swarmed on these women like bees to honey. Once ensnared, their targets were mentally and emotionally stretched and bent beyond their limits, enduring relentless acts of gross disrespect and shame on account of these bedeviled men. And in no time, the prey merely became a shell of their former selves.
Nyarko, at the age of nine, saw her mother gradually lose her mind. A year later, a young Nyarko watched on as her mother was lowered into an unmarked grave. Both events, her fatherâs handiwork.
Her mother used to say that the men of Nyarkoâs lineage were descendants of the fallen angels from the Book of Genesis. The Nephilim.
Even in her womb, she already knew Tony was one of them. Throughout her pregnancy, Nyarko prayed, fasted, sought the counsel of several spiritual leaders to save her unborn child. She desperately wanted her son to chart a different path than the men before him.
Tony didnât know how to break the silence between them.
His mother had always been his trump card whenever things between him and Alicia were coming to a head. This time around though he was seeking his motherâs intervention as a Hail Mary. He knew she admired and loved Alicia. She would probably have traded her for him as her child if she had her way.
He told her what had happened, leaving out a few details.
Nyarko knew her son hadnât told her everything.
She raised her head to observe her son. A beautiful boy with a Machiavellian heart. He was a poisoned chalice like his predecessors.
Tony looked away, uncomfortable with her soul-piercing stare.
âI canât help you and I wonât,â she said in Twi.
He was stunned.
âI wonât let you drive that poor woman to the grave. If I help you, you are only going to repeat what your grandfather put my mother through and what my brothers did to their wives. Alicia is too much of a good woman for that. Too much. She deserves better. This time you have been exposed for all to see and we both know there are countless more lies and secrets behind those scheming eyes of yours!â
Tonyâs throat tightened. He hadnât anticipated this tirade from the old woman.
âYou think I donât know about you? The things you scurry around town doing like a possessed rat? I weep for Alicia everyday. I always pray to God to give her strength in dealing with you. You have no shame. Even during your wifeâs miscarriage you had no decency, no respect for her, not an ounce of self-control. Hiding in and out of Accra with your concubines.â
Nyarko spat at her sonâs feet.
âIf anything should happen to Alicia, it will be on your head and I pray you pay for it.â
xxx
Three weeks and still no word from Tony.
Aliciaâs call coupled with Tonyâs prolonged radio silence led Esi to assume the worst.
She was driving back into Accra, via the Accra-Tema Motorway, after wrapping up a meeting in Tema's harbour area. Hawkers streamed along either side of her car, as she neared one of the highway's three toll booths.
Esi's mind was spinning. Everything seemed to be falling apart. Had she been stupid? Why couldnât she be allowed to have her own slice of heaven? Was it a crime to want to be loved? She didnât mean Alicia any harm but the connection between her and Tony was unavoidable.
Why was Tony all of a sudden ignoring her? Why werenât they making love anymore? She knew  he had a harem of âplaymatesâ he could call on but he always came back to her. Was he over her? Had somebody else taken her place?
Too many questions with no answers. She wracked her brain to think of a solution, a way out through all the madness.
Dede. The Madame. The old woman would probably know something. She and Tony were close, a little too close for Esiâs liking. But Esi figured that a woman at that age didnât have that long to live, no matter how well she kept herself or how many boys she gobbled up, so Esi was fine with their relationship. Besides she was on good terms with Dede, the three had had some raunchy episodes through the years.
Esi called Dede and inquired about Tony.
âI last saw him about a week ago but I havenât heard from him since then,â Dede stated.
More worry for Esi. He had gone to see Dede but had not even bothered to call her for three weeks? What was going on with him? Was he over her? She knew Dede had some skills but the old witch had enough boy toys to keep her satisfied.
Dede hummed an Erykah Badu tune. Esi forgot she was still on the line.
âThank you Dede. Iâll give him a buzz again.â
âDear girl, hold on for a second please.â
Esi was caught off guard by The Madameâs request. Outside of their fervid love-ins, Dede was typically brisk and forthright with her.
âHave you noticed anythingâŠstrange about Tony lately?â Dede asked, an almost mischievous lilt in her slivery voice.
âStrange? What do you mean?â a puzzled Esi asked.
âHis performance, has it changed in any noticeable way?â The Madame was sipping on something in the background.
âOh DedeâŠ,â Esi responded bashfully.
âMy girl letâs not beat around the bush. Is anything different or not?â
The sudden firmness in The Madameâs voice unsettled Esi.
âW-WellâŠrecently he doesnât respond to my touch. You knowâŠ,â she didnât know why she was so shy in speaking to Dede about her sexual affairs with Tony. She had seen the woman on all fours.
Static on the phone.
âHe canât get it up,â Esi muttered feebly.
âMm..I see. Thank you Esi, thatâs all I needed to know. Best of luck reaching him.â
The line cut.
Why would Dede ask that? Was she experiencing the same issues sheâd been having with Tony?
The suspicion that had been floating in Esiâs mind for the past few weeks was too absurd to now consider an actual possibility. It was impossible for that to happen to Tony, he was too red-blooded, way too potent for that.
It couldnât be.
No...no..not Tony...
Tony couldnât beâŠ?
No!
It isnât possible. Tony couldnât be impotent. The mere thought alone was utterly absurd.
But how else could she explain his sudden limpness? Plus Dede would never have asked that question if she hadnât noti---
Esi fatally rear-ended her Nissan Qashqai into a heavy cargo truck.
xxx
Their luxury three-bedroom apartment home on Second Circular Road, Cantonments, was a stone throw away from the U.S. Embassy. It was a $600,000 property that Tony had astoundingly managed to wind down to a sale price just short of a $100,000. Alicia used to call him âPuppet Master T,â for his uncanny ability to always get what he wanted.
Tony lingered outside the apartment door for nearly half an hour. He was jittery.
A flurry of deep and quick deep breaths filled his lungs as he steeled himself and turned the doorknob.
The apartment felt hostile as if it despised his presence.
His sweep around his marriage home confirmed Alicia had packed up, that much was clear. Their bedroom was half empty, with no trace of his wife left in the room. Alicia was gone and she was gone for good.
A small stack of papers was neatly arranged on the bed. Divorce papers and a small sheet with a number to call when he was done signing. That was Alicia, methodical and precise, even in the worst of circumstances.
Tony sat on the bed, staring at the divorce papers.
He wanted to call Alicia but thought better of it. Sheâd probably blocked him on all platforms. When his wife didnât want to be found, she did it well.
The die was cast. There were no more moves he could play.
Something vibrated under his left thigh, briefly snapping him out of his self-pity. He shifted his weight to find the smoking gun that had ended everything.
Tony unlocked the phone to find a freeze-frame shot of a busty Fola in a most compromising position. Alicia must have watched the video countless times, trying to make sense of it all. Her soon-to-be ex-husband zoomed out of the video application to the notification center.
Ato, his closest friend and fellow degenerate, had just sent him series of confusing text messages.
The first message read: âBro...I have been trying to reach you.â Tony checked his call log to indeed find several missed calls from his main man.
Second message: âI donât know if youâve heard already.â
Third: âBroâŠIâm so so sorry about Esi...I canât imagine what youâre feeling. Iâm so sorry bro. Please call me if you need me. Iâm here for youâŠâ
xxx
Marijuana smoke filled the air of the love nest.
Tonyâs head lay buried in Dedeâs bosom. He was silent, as Dede gently stroked his head and offered hushed words of consolation.
She drew a few more puffs from her joint and moved it down to Tonyâs lips but her wounded warrior declined.
They stayed silent for a lengthy period of time as Dede spaced out from the weed.
Memories of a lifetimeâs worth of sexual dissipation with her favorite boy streamed across her mind. Despite her wanton admiration for his sexual prowess, she had grown to develop an affection for her former protĂ©gĂ© over the years.
The Madame, as Dede was referred to by Accraâs high society, had known Tony since he was fourteen. Even as a sprightly teenage boy - and much to her pleasant surprise - he oozed raw potential with his savage-like lovemaking abilities. By seventeen, the boy could do things she had never known men to be capable of. He had a frightening and near bottomless appetite that bordered on the frenetic, that even her infamous grooming techniques couldnât temper.
She shed an unseen tear for her paramourâs wasted manhood. To be completely robbed of his virility in his prime was a cruel blow from the gods.
Dede nonchalantly crushed the end of the burnt-out joint into an ashtray on the bedside table.
âItâs a pity but it seems I have no use for you anymore, my dear,â she said sofly.
Tony was still, his eyes shut. It was what he expected from his Madame.
âThereâs a young French couple coming by shortly. Quite the adventurous duo. Itâs a shame you wouldnât be joining us,â she sighed airily.
âA shame,â he whispered.
She started running rings around his lips.
âYouâre of course welcome to stay and watch if you please my love,â she said somewhat coyly.
Tony slowly reached for her moving hand and kissed it.
He rose from his resting place, stretched to his full height, and promptly made his way to the door without looking back.
âTony..,â he heard Dede call out before he shut the door.
Two spirited European-looking girls gaily passed him in the lobby hallway.
As he stepped onto the elevator, the vivacious couple turned around to take in the view of the brooding stud exiting the floor.
xxx
Tony hopped over the fence that separated the La Beach Hotel premises from the beach.
It was a little past midnight and the cool and salty breeze of the sea, soothed Tonyâs mood. The mind-fog was clearing up. Whether the fogâs retreat was a result of the second-hand smoke from the weed or the effect of the beach, he wasnât sure but he was grateful.
It was a moonless, starless sky. The oceanâs waves roared gently, calling to him. He had been here before, in another life perhaps.
He took in the scene before him one last time and smiled. All was fair.
Tony took the first steps towards his death.
xxx
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A Beautiful Dream
I dreamed a Dream
And what a beautiful dream it was
I am a caterpillar in a colourful cocoon-
A modest but nurturing home like none Iâve ever known
Filled and overflowing with warmth and love
Time passes
Slowly at first
I feel like clay
The walls of my home shift and quietly groan with each stage of my becoming
Her structures grow weaker but her spirit remains steadfast
As my new form grows more pronounced
Iâm losing consciousness
But I hear her
Ever-so-faintly
Quietly weeping at my morphed form
In spite of her pain
She continues to love and nurture me with her all
I awaken
With eyes I never had
And a body I have never known
I feel soft flutterings on either side of me
I look down
To find the world beneath me
I search for my cocoon
I feel her presence but
Sheâs nowhere to be seen
I scream out for her
The wind whispers back in return
And then I hear her
Through a i  r  cu r rents and dew drops
Her voice,
Deftly lining the edges of my echoes
Reminding me of her constant love.
My home became more than a dream
And here I now lay
Awake.
I Dreamed a dream
And what a beautiful dream it was
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For my sister.
Through you, I have witnessed the immense strength in being able to live through lifeâs transitions.
x
Joy. Love. Loss. Pain. Acceptance. Growth.
A wise friend once told me, ânobody will ever be there for you like you.â These words provided the finishing touches to a story that recollects the varied experiences and emotions during a year of transition.
kilonshe?
I hope my friendâs words resonate with you as they did with me. Show yourself some love and even in your darkest moments, I hope you remember that your light can still shine through if you let it.
Kilonshele to all my people âđżâ€ïžâŠ ~ yamz
#music#accra#ghana#lagos#nigeria#vibes#story#art#africa#afrofusion#afrobeats#jazz#neo-soul#soul#r&b#world
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It's an idiom that resonates deeply with the current version of myself It comes in so many forms but when you feel it, you know it And you can only feel it if you are honest with yourself The sensation of the feeling always varies Like the magnitudes of earthquake readings on the Richter Scale You can feel it when you have a genuinely honest moment with yourself And admit the true reason behind one of your childhood failings And being able to realize that it's not an indictment on yourself But rather the hope is Having had a true and greater understanding of yourself over time You can look back at the pages of your life And understand the real roots of some of the fears, hopes, successes and failures you've had in your life Astonishment of the heart
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Malibu
Of late Iâve been feeling like Iâm in a constant mental and emotional struggle A struggle between deciding if I truly want wealth for others or focus on pursuing it chiefly for myself going forward I would want to have the finer things life can offer Who wouldnât?
But is it unrealistic of me to wish these same desires upon everyone I care about and everyone?
Is it even possible for such a wish to come true?
Is it naive to even think if itâs possible?
Or is it just a sign of a fledgling but prevailing humanity to wish my desires upon my brother?
Selfishness v Altruism.
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Feelings
đ: you're tired b, go to bed, we'll talk later đ: Noo, I'm awake. Haha but you can end the call if you want đ: haha nah you end it, it's alright..look at your eyes drooping đ: [widens eyes in a mocking manner] I'm wide awake! Can't you see! đ: [coughs a soft laugh] it's really alright b, like it's fine you can just end the call, there's no reason for you to be up đ: Sooo you can end it [wears a tired but impish smile]. I'm all good, alll goood đ: hahaa really? are we really doing this? ok how about we end it at the same time? hm? đ:...Mm..'kay...guess that works đ: hahaa cool, finally coming round. so on three yea? [makes eyes contact, hovers mouse over the "end" button] ready? at the same time..one..two..three.. đ: [maintains soft eye contact] đ: [sighs an affectionate laugh] oh? why didn't you end it? đ: Mm..why didn't you? đ:i...i...aah..[shrugs off a shy laugh]..guess i really don't know đ: [falls asleep] đ: goodnight b- đ: I'm up! đ: [smiles and looks on silently] [both fall asleep] [3:29 am] đ: [wakes up from the glare of the laptop screen, notices call is still on and shuffles a little as đ proceeds to end call] đ: ...Goodnight đ: [looks on pleasantly bemused until eyes grow weary, falls asleep] đđ: call unended. ---------------------[X]------------------------
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I'm tired Don't know why I'm tired Seems I get like this as more and more Fridays come by Feeling tired, just wanting a bed But then having thoughts of being in a place like ______ with a girl I fuck with who also shares my tiredness And we don't fuck or muck around but just fall into a deep slumber in each other's company And be in each other's dreams Not in a lovey-dovey way but in a dream that's adventure-like Some Dora The Explorer-Inception type thing lol But we find ourselves and understand each other more in that dream Maybe not find ourselves but find an even greater sense of security in our individual selves There's no small talk between us, nothing like the shit that the pale ones like Just assurance in ourselves and in one another And being tired with one another Just tired Tired
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Unspoken Words
Unspoken Word (Intro) - The Soil
This song is one of those songs that transcends music.
Itâs more than music. Listening to it makes me feel like that this is what the word âcreationâ is -itâs literal definition is this song
I try to think with this song but donât know where to start
Donât know where to start feeling
I could only write and look back on when I experienced creation for myself
To Lesedi,
I have these tendencies, things about me that Iâm trying to keep in check
I know how it feels to have that anger, to have feelings that youâre almost so helpless with, that you almost resign yourself to them. Resigned to thinking that this is what life really is from here on out. But it is not. And if you can get through this not only will you truly become and feel different but youâll also develop a new awareness; one that doesnât necessarily come with age.
I didnât have the right support to get through my rough patch but I think I got it in the end and if I can, I can be a friend from afar lending you a helping hand.
I want to try to not use this as a means of developing feelings or misinterpreting things. These are the tendencies I speak of. Iâd rather like to learn to see you bloom without feeling or thinking that Iâm your support; to have nothing but genuine concern for your well being and emotional welfare; the things we think we pay attention to but really donât
I wonât reveal too much about me or ask you questions beyond the context of you having a platform to set free the thoughts and struggles that you try so hard to restrain. I will only work with what you give me and suppress all other external queries or interests.
Thatâs who I want to be with you.
Unspoken Word
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Days Off
I simmer down as I watch you looking at me I see you marveling at my supposedly wondrous presence When in truth all the marvel exudes from you I observe you in turn; But only ever through that ever-eluding lens where science meets spirituality Purity at its peak Your irises are portals to lands of unknown beauty Your lashes, with each a blink, offer me glimpses of the worlds orbiting in them Each blink signaling the end of one scene and the beginning of another journey It would be easy to call you my escape, A haven for my burdensome mind But that would be sloth; a supposedly heinous sin In this struggle called life I realize what you are: heaven Not the construct or idea made by the pale ones But Heaven where love, the one true God, resides
-Doro Y
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A Millennial's Season
Game channeled my anger Frank opened me up Cole showed me the way Paak lives
-Doro Y
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Evolution/Life
Sometimes⊠Sometimes⊠Sometimes..you sit back and ponder over life Itâs path never linear Itâs fruits variable And as much as you think you know about it We both know you still donât nearly enough
Youâve been on a search For how long I ask you You donât know, youâve lost track of time But itâs been a journey Lost huge pieces of yourself But picked up more wholesome parts along the way Each new part acquired at great costs No new acquisition ever easy But thatâs the struggle Thatâs where the beauty lies Being broken down and rebuilding with better parts each time Evolution - itâs a constant journey Just like life
Keep evolving
-Doro Y
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No Sleep
For the man of many interests For the man overflowing and overburdened with ambition For the man with dreams unbounded For the man not executing his dreams For the man putting his dreams in motion For the man with the restless mind For the man wary of unfulfilled ambitions For the man afraid of not having a legacy For the man desperate for a legacy For the man bound for a legacy For a mind that has realized too much For a heart that has learned from pain For a mouth that breathes only positivity For a soul yearning for peace For a resplendent being pining only for a simple but true humanity
-Doro Y
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