#my paranoia will just get worse
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No because like I just had to wait for the first of the year for my work insurance to kick in so I could start going to doctors and stuff. I was more then prepared to fight for what I wanted, I don't know maybe this'll make me fight more. I'm so tired of hiding myself and i thought For Once it would be easier.
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horror bragging about he's immortal and allat to killer and dust (because he genuinely thinks he is. like he literally came back from the DEAD that is a proud accomplishment!!!! bro probably brags all the time about it like "heh even if you hit me hard i'll just get back up. bitch")
and then killer's like alright bet! let's test that out! and then he starts going on an all out chase for horror's head. and dust just follows along because hey why the fuck not it sounds fun and it would be nice to knock horror down a peg or two :3 frantic running from horror ensues because as much as he'd like to stick by his claim he REALLY cannot be going around risking to see if him being immortal is actually true 💀
#horror it's all your fault you played with fire and now you are not about to get burned you are about to DIE#oh its probably so nervewracking....... he legit could die horror doesnt know if the other two would take mercy on him#he's been an ass all this time ‼️ he has been manipulative and lied ‼️ he has shittalked them at their lowest ‼️ he is FUCKED#or WORSE they just end up dragging this out and driving him crazy with paranoia (this is in fact what would happen)#not that he particularly regrets not being nice to killer and dust because why should he and why do they deserve it but like. GODAAMN IT#couldnt it HURT just to be a LITTLE nicer past horror???? now youre gonna DIE because you were too much of an asshole!!!!!!! fuck#but maybe he doesn't die? maybe he actually lives when the two find him and eventually#would that be worse actually yes in fact it would. if he wants anyone to find out he's actually immortal it would NOT be dust and killer#death seems much more inviting than being hunted down by those two. oh SHIT REAPER WAIT DONT TOUCH HIN#if killer and dust worked together they could probably create a torture situation that not even a tank personified would mentally survive#this seems like another one of my ideas in my head that seems bright and comedic but in reality would just be terrifying#i like it piccasso. now just set it in horrortale and then you have horror in the place of all the people he killed#all the people he hunted down all the innocents and now he gets to feel what they felt when he chased them down#the fear and nervousness of being watched of being toyed with of knowing that youre already stuck in a maze with no exit and no way back#yeah i'd kill myself the psychological horror i'd feel would just be too much dust and killer can just kill me for all i care I GIVE UP#wouldnt it be funny if dust and killer never even touch horror they just chase him until he passes out#that would be sooooo silly LMAO. bitchass we didnt even touch you and you passed out from panic and exhaustion??? COWARD 🤣🤣🤣🤣#dust and killer would never let that memory be forgotten trust. trust. i love it when they taunt and torture eachother#GOD can we get some self not so self inflicted pain onto these 3 😒😒😒 more than they already have but whatever#dont worry guys they took horror home after he passed out and when he woke up fed him a bit of soup to replenish his energy#and then they played a roblox obby to calm down and also relax and then they fell asleep all zzzrkkk mimimimi shoooo like 3 little kitties#killer sans#horror sans#dust sans#murder time trio#utmv#tricule hc
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As censored as the donghua is I'm hoping and praying with all I have that they make no-face just So scary. Maybe they wont show all the real horror of human face disease and maybe that's fine but I want no-face in my nightmares. I want to feel the chills I get when I imagine those book 6 scenes and I want it to haunt me for days
#ill be so sad if he's just a guy in a halloween costume#its like my hero's overhaul arc where chiaki in the manga was genuinely so creepy but the anime made him feel like basement greg#i dont want no-face to be basement greg#we got a sneak peek of him but i want more terrifying circumstance#i can say this because im not the one going through the horrors though. my little guy is#(sorry little guy it's for the plot)#tian guan ci fu#tgcf#heaven official's blessing#bai wuxiang#white clothed calamity#which is funny because I hate horror but love thriller and psychological horror#Jumpscare anxiety and secondhand paranoia not fun but impending doom? inability to resist? crazy detective work to find the way out?#now we're talking#the worse it gets though the more satisfying it is when the horrors are Over
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Why does St*r Trek Pic*rd feel like Trek for people who don't like Trek.
#or know jack shit about it#I am visiting my parents and am thoroughly irritating my mother by citing canon that makes this show bullshit#hologram rights?#THE ENTIRE DOMINION WAR?#like so much of this is just neatly explained by the Dominion War fallout#like the federation's xenophobia and paranoia#but yet we have a more secret than the tal shiar secret police as if that was necessary?#and why did we destroy two whole planets and the entirety of utopia planitia for no real reason#and they fridge that first girl just to magically show up with a second?#and the borg are involved because of course they are?#this reads like a mediocre fanfic that someone wove 347 different plotlines and ocs into like it's their magnum opus#man y'all complained about the aos movies and this is worse#this better get higher quality because i am even more bored than i was with disco#jo watches picard
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feels like the isolation is a gushing wound and going to the centre is just a small bandage. i think perhaps i am not really ever going to feel okay unless something miraculous happens. i am retaining some semblance of sanity now that I'm leaving the house and socializing with non-family more than once a week, but i am still hurting more than I can really tolerate and I don't know what to do about it. there doesn't seem to be a fix for this that I can enact.
#part of me wonders if going to the centre is helping or hurting more#but i think it's definitely helping more. however it is definitely also hurting/making some things worse#i just wish I could be operating at the same level as most of society#and i feel so egotistical when I talk abt this#but like. why am i always so fucking aware of every single thing going on#and everyone else is just painfully oblivious#I AM USING HYPERBOLE. ITS NOT EVERYONE. i know im not the only person ever lmao#when i got my autism diagnosis i thought oh good okay so THIS is why im such a freak#and now I've met so many other autistic ppl irl and um. no. no thats definitely not it still.#yes its probably part of it but im also just. so fucking traumatized i guess idk. i hate this so much#i just want to be the same and fit in and not be analyzing everything and be able to actually speak my mind#and not be so kind and polite and respectful all the time and be able to say shitty stupid things without thinking anything of it#im so tired of being the only one who seems to care so much about everyone else's comfort and feelings#but also at the same time i would hate if i acted like everyone else bc i know how shitty it makes people feel#and people are always so happy to see me because I am useful and make them feel good and comfortable and heard#and that matters. that means a lot to people i think. but also I am not a person. i am a tool.#and I'd really like to be a person#i somehow feel like im operating at a higher level/awareness than almost everyone irl and also way below everyone at the same time#like im so hyperaware of everyone else more than most ppl but im also so socially inept sometimes. and just... idk how to be a person.#i dont know i just want to not be like this. its so lonely and tiring and i want to matter to people#i want them to like me for more than just what I'm able to do for them. I want to be liked for Me i guess. but Me isnt likeable maybe#Me is uncomfortable for people. Me is a trembling cornered prey animal with a longing to tell stories but is too afraid to do anything#and so Me just exists in a hollow shell made out of people-pleasing and fawning and mirroring everyone around them#and then i get lonelier and more isolated and nothing really changes. but every time i try to crack open the shell a little it goes badly#like i genuinely dont think its my paranoia. i think it is not Safe for Me to exist properly.#i am too sensitive probably! but it does very much feel like a raw wound that peope jab aggressively at when i open up a little!#boy howdy i sound like such a wuss. i mean i probably am one fjfkdl#i just feel like I keep trying to fix things and improve and try new things and nothing ever really works well#my counsellors have always commented on how impressed they are at my willingness to try things#and its like ?? yeah ! ofc i am going to try things! maybe that will be smth that finally helps!
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I might have OCD actually
#idk i can't tell if its ocd or paranoia#but all my life these “share this text to 10 contacts or your mum will die” always made me unreasonably panicked#and more and more because of posts like “donate now or you are a horrible person” make me deeply unwell#i feel so selfish because i know it's not their fault#im not blaming palestinians reaching out for help more like the people who share the posts and then guilt trip everyone#and i really dont wanna block the tags because it'll make me feel even worse and i still want to be informed#i have so many asks pilling up but idk what to do because I'm useless i can't help in anyway i dont have any reach and no money in my name#and i dont wanna close asks because i do enjoy ask games#but also idk what to do#because when i reply its so hard i feel miserable because i can't help but as soon as i reply i get 20 new ones and it's incredibly overwhel#overwhelming#but when i dont answer my brain is screaming at me “if you dont reply your while family will die in a car crash”#and it's a simple mental image to think of the more asks i answer the more i get the more my brain tells me awful things#I'm sorry to any mutual i may have unfollowed because they shared so many guilt tripping posts i genuinely can't do it anymore#and i feel terrible#and I don't wanna leave Tumblr because it's my only social platform left lmao and thevother ones are all awful its the inly one i like#I'm just not in the right mental state to constantly see “donate or you dont deserve to live even if youre poor” kinda posts#it's not even triggering its just making my “ocd” worse than it ever was#all day long my brian been telling me “you will die today because you didnt answer the asks!!”#it's genuinely horrible idk what to do and eother way i feel like a piece of shit i feel like i dont have the right to feel this way
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I've been having like low level paranoia since yesterday evening, and now I just can't shake the feeling that something drastically awful has happened.
#you know when you're like waiting for the other shoe to drop?#I feel like any second now I'm going to find out about something awful#I've been paranoid all day and had a mini freak out yesterday but nothing that intense since#now I can't shake this feeling that something beyond me is very wrong#I hate this#I'm highkey worried about not getting sleep tonight#lack of sleep always makes my mental health and paranoia worse (which like yeah no duh)#sorry for this rambling. not sure there's a point here. just a little concerned I'm heading for a spiral#I think it can be helpful to document things as they happen so I have a written record to refer back to#sometimes it's difficult to pinpoint when certain emotions creep in#ashley rambles
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frequently i think man i don't actually have anxiety, i'm chill with talking to people and navigating situations alone and high stress scenarios, i was just misdiagnosed due to the Everything Else, & then, like, sometimes i catch these fucking thought processes in my head and go jesus fucking christ. that is Not normal!
#whats wrong with u? etc. not to mention that every time i seriously think ab getting on meds i get paralyzed#with terror at the thought that as soon as i'm not in constant fear & 20 levels of rube goldberg-ing to prevent the Catastrophic Potential#Events from taking place (they are all made up) i will let my guard down & they will happen & it'll be even worse because i#wasn't expecting it or my lack of fucking paranoia directly led to it or whatever. which. yknow. another point in favor maybe. but that's#nothing new i just was startled at this fucking thought train in the shower <3#txt
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Wish I'd stop inventing new ways to make myself feel unsafe even though I'm not doing anything
It's like an alarm is going off in my head at all times just generally pointing at my brain and going "SOMETHING IS WRONG SOMETHING IS WRONG SOMETHING IS WRONG SOMETHING IS WRONG SOMETHING IS WRONG" and it doesn't stop because I haven't identified it
I'm not tired. I'm not dehydrated. I'm not hungry. I'm not physically uncomfortable. But something is so so wrong
#It's not anxiety it's like... A warning#If I don't fix it things will get much worse#But I don't know what It is#It's in my brain whatever It is#And It's probably dangerous#But I don't know It yet#And I think I just have to wait and find out#To clarify the warning is some kind of chemical thing in my brain it's not a vague paranoia that something bad will happen#It's more like a lit up sign that my brain itself is doing something bad to me#It's Not just anxiety#Although I don't know how effective or tangible it is. But the feeling is something else
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been kind of manic lately it's fucking weird after having been so depressed for like 7 months. it's like oh there you are you crazy minx
#my mania (i habe type 2 bipolar) isnt as intense as other peoples but my depressive lows are so ridiculously bad it feels so jarring#even still i get really aggressive and i have a lot of jumbled thoughts + delusions + paranoia#hypersexuality is also a huge hallmark of it#its just funny. i replied to a tweet and didnt panic and almost cry bc of my inferiority complex Pffr. be real#I wont say that person (me) is lesser but i want to fix him before shit gets worse#honey's words
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to the people whove been sending me kind words over the past few days, just know i really do appreciate them, even if it seems like i don't
#for those who are wondering whats going on#ive been going through another episode again. this one is worse than the ones ive had previously#on top of that ive been heavily hating on myself. multiple personal reasons but also chip fandom trauma. it's come back to bite my ass#ive also been extremely lonely as well and my paranoia's at an all time high. again. how fun!!#yall are lucky i dont use tumblr as a primary platform. otherwise yall wouldve been subject to upsetting shit ive said at the worst of this#<- shh i know twitter sux balls but its the only place i feel safe using as a more personal blog place thing. ive tried to leave in the pas#in other news i may actually be getting therapy. emphasis on may lol the mental health system here sux#we'll see. we will see#just know i'll be alright. nep has pulled through bad episodes like these before#i am STRONG#sango hisses
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who else cannot bear it any longer 🤔
#i think my stepdad is gonna kill me or threaten me somehow but it’s one of those background paranoias#does anyone know what i mean when i say that. like you are so scared of this one thing happening that it plagues yohr mind at times but#it’s in the background so you don’t always show that terrified look/symptoms#like. final destination type of paranoia. sure it MAY happen but that’s not likely#but it’s just been getting worse with the constant nightmares and his weird behavior with JUST me and the amount of times he disappears#i’m not helping myself with these tags am i. man.#but yeah just. gonna draw and write and read … 🩵😊#wish i had a fucking car and wasn’t terrified to drive#not spiderstuff
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unpopular opinion but i think if you make thumbnails purposefully disturbing you are ableist. i get that you wanna be ooo spooky scary but you have to consider that maybe. maybe it is triggering for some people.
i have severe paranoia that is easily triggered and going on youtube is awful because of horror creators making their thumbnails extremely disturbing.
and i know that some people experience WORSE when faced with disturbing thumbnails. so please stop. i get that it "removes" the horror element but jesus fucking christ please stop.
i can't keep losing sleep over horrorchannel69 making a thumbnail of generic creepy monster staring at the viewer saying "i am in your walls" i cannot
and also: please please please put flash warnings. please. i dont care that it removes from the horror element for the love of fucking god put a flash warning on your shit.
(people are free to add onto this post, but do not clown. please. and this post is okay to reblog as well.)
#sometimes my paranoia gets triggered by fuckinf NORMAL SENTENCES#SO DISTUEBING THUMBNAOLS ARE FUCKING WORSE A JFX BXKHDIDDH IM SO TIRED OF THESE KTOEHRFUXKERS AHFMFSUHSUDBAAAA.#PLEASE STOP TRIGGERING MENTALLY ILL PEOPLE JUST FOR HORROR. STOP IT#/NBH#analog horror#horror#the mandela catalogue#the walten files#gemini home entertainment#night mind#youtube horror
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Ahahahahaaha love love Love getting Medical Anxiety triggered by over hearing something at work and fucking Finally feeling normal by the end of the work day only to come home and Remember It
Best time
Good vibes
My insides are vibrating at a daaaaangerous frequency and it's Not Helping
#monster noises#i never know what to call this type of Ongoing Exaggerated Anxiety#cause I don't want to misues terms#and I don't think it's...... Active enough for me to qualify it as Paranoia Or Hypochondria#but it's got a Hairline trigger#(i.e useful tips posted benignly on the internet about how to check for/detect something - overhearing co workers talk about their health -#part of a podcast that portrays a catastrophic health event; all things that have sent me absolutely Spiralling#some that Continue to affect my behavior)#and a base level of Constant Fear that i just really wish i didn't have to deal with#i loose a lot of days were i'm just kinda puttering around not doing much unable to drum up the energy because my Brain is on Fire#trying to convince myself i either Am or Am Not on the verge of having a Stroke or some shit#and I don't talk about it a lot because.........#idk#seems like it's not serious enough to warrant it#though it absolutely is#and i don't want anyone to like... get concerned cause that's just gunna make Me Worse#and that's Really not gunna help
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WHY do i have dreams that feel more real than life and are also 5 million times cooler. just woke up from one that felt like it lasted 12 hours and in that time i had held a house party, got extremely crossfaded, went to an amusement park, wandered the streets and nearly got hit by a car, went to a restaurant that looked identical to that from dua lipa’s training season mv which morphed back into my house where i was making a salad bar for everyone at the party, then almost went to a devil themed nightclub with everyone but i couldn’t because i needed some sort of christian identification to get in???? then my mom came home and made me take a bunch of drug tests. also there were several black cats and random huge dogs wandering around the whole time. i literally felt every sensation like it was as if i had been transported to another real life timeline that was incredibly wacky yet SUPER familiar (the house/town looked exactly like irl but with random added places.)
i also NEVER realize that i’m dreaming per se, i’m just like, “oh so this is my life now cool” and when i say i feel everything i mean it. it was humid and i could feel the mist on my face. i could taste the food. i felt paper bills underneath my fingertips whenever i wld pay for something. funniest part was i was JUST as poor in this dream as i am irl i found $6 in my wallet and lost my ever-loving shit bc i could get a gas station monster. oh and i stole from the gas station too??
this is a 3-4 times a week occurrence and when i wake up i do not feel rested, i feel like i would had i just done everything in whatever dream i woke up from (BAD.) i sometimes will confuse things i’ve done in dreams with what i’ve done in waking life, it just feels THAT real. i’ll wake up and it will take me a few decent minutes to distinguish between whether that experience was a dream, or if it was real and i just went to bed at the end of it and am waking up from that.
absolutely fucking bizarre shit but tbh it’s pretty rad and i’ve actually been able to get over fears i had irl bc i had the experience in the dream, and it felt so real that it was almost like i gained that xp in waking/real life. like something i never thought i’d be able to do/was nervous abt but now i can do it fine bc i’ve “gone through it.”
obvs a lot less fun when these are nightmares, not dreams; the exhaustion sucks as sleep is not rejuvenating but that’s nearly offset by the fun i have in many dreams and the way that has opened me up to so much irl. some say when we dream we’re visiting a parallel timeline, and while i don’t completely agree i can 100% see why honestly
#this is one of the more tame dreams i’ve had btw.#the relative lack of absurdity might contribute to why it feels so real#the nightmares suck ass though big time. i can gain greatly from my dreams but i will suffer from the nightmares#mainly in the form of paranoia for a few days. overall the benefits outweigh the negatives at least at this point#if the confusion between reality/dreaming gets worse that might be a problem.#overall it is absolutely fucking bizarre. i cannot believe there are people who simply do not dream??? this has been happening to me FOREVE#and only seems to get more intense w age#also i obvs understand the science of dreaming. how different circumstances effect dreams and how they can just be your brain processing#information or can be totally random/have no meaning etc etc. i am far too rational to discount this#and that random pains/physical feelings/sounds in the environment etc can translate into your dream and cause you to feel those things whil#asleep#but a large part of me also understands fully why people think it is far more than that#it fascinates me to the nth degree
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scared they're just. keeping in touch. because I give them my money by buying tickets and merch orz
#stupid anxieties and paranoia lmao#maybe this is why i have such a hard time getting to know people irl and forming proper interpersonal relationships#because i tend to be cringe and overshare way too early#and it's not like i scare people off BUT i scare myself into withdrawing and the connection doesn't go anywhere from that point in#*on. and there's always this aftertaste of of i told them way too much too fast#this is awkward and i'm so embarrassed. they know way more about me than i know about them.#and then i kinda. run away and isolate#making everything even worse and not fixing anything#maybe it's just. the fear of people seeing my innermost self. and thinking i'm disgusting and ugly and broken and not worth their time#IDK just. low key spiralling 👍#i should shut up my brain and just watch saw. maybe that'll calm me down
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