#my organs dont belong to the fucking government

[elijasz]

For 5 years I've been told I was too young to get my tubes tied by several doctors and now my partner, who's several years younger, is getting the procedure done. Medical malpractice my ass, I'll show you some medical malpractice next time I see you fuckers. If I'm not grown enough to decide I don't want children in my mid 20s you're not grown enough to be doctors.

(I'm really happy for my partner and I won't be getting anything done atm because insurance will pay part of my hysterectomy if I want to medically transition but MAN I wish these doctors some bad luck that only affects them and not their patients)

[mai-mai-lim]

Cameron: Ello chaps, enjoying your stay so far? Tis the perfect time to have a good ol fashioned chatter with you two, starting off with my little brother, eh? Charles: W-wait wait, if you are really my long lost brother, then how the heck you become a Toppat?! ----- (thoughts in Korean) Ashley: *tsk* Annoying… Henry: Ah, fuck...

Imagine that you become a government agent tasked on taking down the biggest criminal organization, but unfortunately ended up getting captured, AND THEN finding out you have a family member who is part of said organization.

Bummer, isnt it?

-----

this idea has been rotting in my brain for a while really, thought it would be fun to have this scenario drawn out :P

also i wanna draw toppat!cam too KEK, with how his behavior goes, i dont think Ash like him much but since he's Reg and RHM adopted son, she gotta be careful on her words. (doesnt really matter much when OG Cam is her enemy anyway)

wanna write some korean phrases for the cousins too haha (to those confused, i hc henry as korean-american), here to say again that while henry got rusty on his language he still knows some swear words lol

Toppat!Cam belongs to @rarestdoge

Ashley Jang belongs to me.

[eldritchqueerture]

i dont intend to talk about this a lot because this is tumblr and i just want to verbalise some of my thoughts but i think the fact that the UN and the rest of those "global human rights organizations" aren't able to stop governments from supporting israel or even make them ADMIT that israel is committing actual war crimes is one of the biggest failures of humanity. the world has witnessed so much war and death and unnecessary cruelty and even though laws were put in place to prevent it, apparently they are just some sentiments written on paper. nothing else

it makes me think that all those laws were only written for "politically convenient" groups of people. these people claim to be civilized and modern, they claim to value human life up until it's someone belonging to a group they dont care about. or an enemy of someone they like to trade with. then all that humanitarian bullshit goes out the window and we're forced to watch genocide unfold right in front of our eyes because... because what? western countries do business with israel? because palestinians arent white? because anyone not in europe and the us isnt considered human apparently?

i try not to think about it too much because me having a breakdown isn't going to help anyone but it's hard not to just stop and think about how deeply flawed this entire system is. human rights protection is a fucking farce because it's pretty on paper but it can't actually protect anyone

[g-r-a-v-e-y-a-r-d]

River pls tell us about ur furry story you’ve worked on so hard

okay well "so hard" was an exaggeration on my part but the idea is that its set 20 years in the future in a universe that is not so different from ours and there has been a major communist uprising halting the progress of much of the united state's imperialist machinery. much of the world still becomes unlivable due to climate collapse. but it might not be permanent. we arent quite sure. also there was a huge comet that hit mars and now it's molten, but it has an atmosphere, ruining the ultra-rich's plans for colonization.

much of america still belongs to the US government. a lot doesnt though, belonging to one leftist militia or another.

Our story begins along a boarder between the New England People's Collective, a large and surprisingly well-armed communist militia, and the United States, who's military has been stretched so thin that they are hiring ultra-nationalist para-military groups to protect boarders. We start on the capitalist side of a town split right through the middle by a militarized zone. Most days gunfire can be heard through our community, but everyone keeps going through the motions of their lives because what the fuck else are you going to do when you need to pay the rent? one of our cast of characters--Alice B--is in the middle of taking her trash out when it happens... the trash smells different... good even what is this urge she's feeling... its like smelling a chili-dog at a baseball game. she knows its a bad decision... but it smells so good! suddenly fur sprouts out of her hands and arms and back and oh... god.... sharp teeth... a tail trapped in her jeans... she's... she's like a... big... opossum??

so yeah it turns out a lil spacerock crashed thru the barn behind her apartment and now 35% of humanity has become half animal overnight, resulting in a greater need for accommodations to help more people adapt to their strange new lives. its like anarchist x-men. minus professor x. also a bunch more weird shit that either isnt done yet or i dont wanna spoil. its mostly about how hegemony is an inherently fucked up way for people to organize their lives and how a community can come together to kick hegemonic thinking's ass. its gonna be queer, its gonna be furry, and im gonna try to tackle real issues head-on but with a degree of jocularity to show that with a few changes in how we conceptualize our role in this world we can become better than what we are.

[whirlybirdwhat]

Accidental Family Man Au

remember that one ask where I talked about some projects? This is one of them. Enjoy dad franky!

So it begins with Franky – a back alley repair in the illustrious mechanic city of Water 7 – a miracle engineering city, they call it, with intertwining roads of cars and rivers. Venice, if Venice was made of concrete and had a road system above its water system, twisting above houses and everything.

Franky used to be one of those engineers that created those miracles, but an accident later, and he’s the scourge of the city and half bionic, making his living in back alley repair shops where you either pay with cash or your life.

He never said he was a good guy, did he Ice Burg?

 He still has connections though – and these connections lead to Iceburg, and to the Straw Hats.

 Iceburg’s the mayor, of course, and while he doesn’t care much for his public image, he knows that if he starts accepting money from shady kids who showed up to his doorstep possibly covered in blood with a woman who he swears he’s seen before beside him, that maybe Water 7’s people will take a hit for harboring criminals.

But hey, He knows a guy already doesn’t he?

So he sends these kids and their broken van down to the Franky House to see if he would fix their beloved, broken, van.

The Straw Hats never reach it, because the woman (Robin) gets kidnapped and a fight breaks out, leading to the separation of the group,

So the story really begins with Franky and the little broken down RV called The Going Merry, previously belonging to the kid who’s standing in front of him, begging him to fix it.

More Hcs Below cut including actual dad Franky stuff lol

That kid is Usopp, and he’s asking because Franky’s the only repair man in the illustrious city of Water 7 that will possibly accept the cash that Usopp has to offer.

He doesn’t.

Instead, he attempts to kick the kid out and gets kidnapped in return.

Oops

 So, Franky’s introduced to Ennies Lobby one of the worst places this side of the country – where people go and never come back, and hey, whats this kid doing kicking down the door?

Safe to say, Franky is rescued, and learns a little more of their story.

And Safe to say, Franky sees the woman they are going to save (him, and a bunch of teenagers and some 12 year old brat) and he near damn falls in love with her on sight and definitely does when he actually talks to her.

They save Robin, and start running – of course, Merry the van is just barely struggling to save all their added weight but they make it but also merry’s totaled.

So Franky shows them his pet project, The Thousand Sunny, supposed to be his super get away, home a way from home rv but with a few modifcations… the Straw Hat Gang has a new home. And a new crew member.

Franky learns everyone’s stories and about all the absolutely shady shit they are into. He learns he fits right in.

 And then… then the moments start happening.

He helps Usopp fix up the Sunny, and teachers him about cars and such. 

He and Chopper start bonding over bionics and medical shit that went into building his body. 

Zoro and him geek out over comic heroes (this, at least in zoro’s part, is canon the big nerd.) 

He helps Nami out with some headings and listens to her troubles. 

Sanji and him go fishing one day and it’s the most surreal experience of Franky’s life because this teen is in a three-piece suit and catching giant fish out on the shore of some lake? What? 

Franky gives Luffy advice and pulls him out of fights and shows him cool robot things.

 And its two months in when Franky realizes – here is it actually typed out lmao

“In all honesty, Franky doesn’t know how it happens.

Well.

He has a vague idea.

(Can you save her? Please? Merry’s the best.)

But still – tracing the events that led up to him frantically calling Ice-for-brains at one am in the morning at a near abandoned gas station on the west coast was a hard task.

“Hello?”

Finally.

“Ice-for-brains,” He starts using the familiar name.

“Flunky? The hell? What are you calling me now?”

“Iceberg.” The use of his real name quiets him. He knows this is serious. Franky takes a deep breath, and exhales, saying the next words in a single breath. “I accidently became a dad to six crazy teenagers. Help.”

…

“Goddamnit bastard-berg this is no time to laugh!””

AND THEN HE GOES ON TO HAVE MORE DAD ADVENTURES INCLUDING:

Organizing the kids at Sabaody Park

being emotional support for all these kids trauma please world, give them a break

doing his best to say no to allowing luffy to swim with sharks but giving in anyway

being a component (aka fierce menacing bodyguard) in his daughter’s nami’s schemes

breaking up fights

 Attempting to ground known criminals who may or may not be stronger than him

Modifying the RV so that they can have Brook and Jimbe on it as well

“MCDONALDS! MCDONALDS! MCDONALDS!”

Overthrowing the government in at least three different countries because his kids wanted to

Doing experiments with illegal fireworks on Usopp’s behest

“Do you want to play catch” “Franky that’s dynamite that we found in the stach what the fuck- “Do you want to play catch” “…Yes.”

Explaining Safe Sex to teenagers who have biggers worries such as the government

Teaching them all how to drive. He thinks hius heart has popped out of his chest.

Snoring loudly on their tiny couch and everyone just dogpiling on him

Also I had this in my notes

So that’s a thing that’s going to happen!

Uh anyway uh PART TWO – THE OTHER FCKING STRAWHATS

Note: Everyone is aged down three years from pre TS ages  to enforce the fact that 1) the government is fucking nuts for assigning bounties to these kids in this au 2) give more dad moments as while we all need a dad in our lives at any age it gives me more plausible reason here 3) plot related issues and the fact that this story takes place over several years and 4) the image of a 14 year old taking down the government is hilarious to me.

So.

Moving on.

Luffy – 14 years old and an absolute bastard

Luffy grew up in the port city of Fuusha as a way for Garp to keep an eye on him because of his family connections and make sure nothing bad happened to him -  didn’t quite work out.

dads a terrorist, his brothers a world class criminal, his gramps is an abusive piece of shit but also weirdly protective marine officer, his family’s complicated. 

 he grew up in the seedy underbelly of the city and made friends with a lot of criminals (who helped him get out because hey that five year old who used to steal our food is a brat and maybe we should help him get out before he becomes to chaotic (too late) and becomes our friend (also too late) )

Among these criminals are Shanks, who wanders through once in a while, Buggy, begrudging friend,  Jimbe, because he has connections, Crocodile, because this brats a bastard, and Rayleigh, among others.

Annoys them to make him his friend, continues annoying them afterwards.

 He just thinks they’re neat.

Luffy leaves two months after Ace, his brother under Dadan’s, the local gang leaders, roof, leaves because Ace can’t tell him to stay behind anymore

but the govt got word now he’s on the run – Coby helps him escape

As such, Luffy grows up with a very very skewed moral compass as in canon but a bit more, and now literally is almost ten times more feral as he should be.

  His goal is now to do whatever he wants, without people telling him what to do or that he can’t do that – He’s going to be free, damnit.

Franky understands and learns over time to adjust his Parenting Skills accordingly

Zoro – 16 and illegally owning a motorcycle because he thought the best way to improve his skill was to go out and hunt down people to fight, and of course he needs a motorcycle to do that, doesn’t he?

 He was pulled over for speeding then taken in for being underage

 He is also caught up in some bad stuff (fight circles, bounty’s, etc. this kids 16 and breaking grown men’s spines.)

Then comes Luffy who was also arrested for dine and dashing and is in the back seat.

 Luffy, who after the police car pulls over, punches out the police officer, unlocks Zoros cuffs and tells him “Drive”

 So they drive

“Hey, hey Zoro. Join my crew. It’ll be fun.”

 “Anything you say captain”

 knows Luffy for three seconds and is immediately down to murder with him

 Its great

He wants to become the greatest sword fighter still, which is still a thing in my fantasy modern world, so anyway, picture this 16 year old going up to you and tell you to fight but he has a sword in his mouth and in both hands and the most dangerous look in his eye.

 He and Luffy immediately rob a sword shop to find him new swords after they meet, it becomes a thing later on where they will steal (horribly, they literally crash in through the window every time because they have no subtly) something small from each city they visit. 

Nami - 15 year old pick pocket in the city where luffy and zoro stop, just trying to scrap up some money to pay off her family’s debt.

 Bellmere’s still alive damnit.

Nami thought Zoro and Luffy were police originally (because they are driving around in stolen police car) and tried to pull the ‘oh officer help me’ card when the people she stole from chased after her

 To her surprise, it was two kids her age in the front seat.

Luffy: “get in”

 she gets in

they dont talk about it

The people who were chasing her was Buggy’s gang who Luffy waves at as he goes by

 Buggy sends a message to Shanks which is essentially “hey that brat u liked is still alive”

And Shanks is like “oh thank god” not knowing the terror he has unleashed upon the world

A month later Arlong has mysteriously disappeared and the Bell-mere farm is flourishing while the second daughter becomes a world class criminal.

 Bell’meres never been prouder and it gives Nojiko a great conversation starter.

Usopp’s 14 and lives in a trailer park called syrup alone

Has a business where he sells odd herbs and such, passing them off as anything that will get him some money – think of it as Toad Oil from Wano but with some popgreens and such mixed in.

His goal is get enough money to stand on his own and leave the park but its slow going. And then…

 Luffy punches the heck outta the creep that was creeping on the owner of the park, kaya, and think’s Usopp’s stories are super cool.

Usopp wants to go with them, to explore the world With Luffy.

At this point, the Straw Hats have realized that driving a stolen police car around is a bad idea

so they take the huge van - a gift from Kaya named The Going Merry, and set off, using Nami’s stolen funds to get them by.

Sanji - 16 year old who longs to be a chef with the best food and just wants to feed people who need it

He hates government cause they don’t feed people and has a lot of petty grudges and helps Zeff run a lot of kitchens to help people.

 He’s still the Sous chef of the Baratie and still has a penchant for kicking unruly customers around. Baratie has a less then stellar reputation for service but the food? The best in the land.

 He feeds Luffy the food.

  Luffy likes the food.

Luffy kidnaps Sanji

Zeff worries about it but he can’t do jack since he actually is not Sanjis legal guardian (he kidnapped the kid first on accident after they both were stranded. He still tries to call anyway, and is proud of the change his son is making in the world. He’s currently working to get suspicious government people off his back about his missing Sous chef with the unique curly eyebrow…

Anyway, Sanji becomes the cook for the strawhats and is really happy because everyone likes his food and he can help anyone along the way and send business to the baratie

Its a good deal for him, and with all the places he visits his skill grows as a chef.

Chopper - 12 year old prodigy who really wants to be a doctor but both his legal guardians are out of the way

Hiruluks dead and Kureha, against her will because she’s still beautiful at 100 dammnit, is in a nursing home trying to break out

 Chopper has nowhere to go but still tries to pursue his medical career, and this fucking twelve year old does so by patching up people from bar and gang fights.

The Straw Hats pick him up and Usopp hacks into a govt control thing to sign him up for online medical course

Kureha’s proud and gives him a book of pressed cherry blossoms that was Hiruluk’s

  He cries

Chopper gets lots of practice for medical stuff with Luffy and Zoro who like to fight in fighting rings just for the heck of it, and for the money that Nami wants.

Robin – 25 year old depressed archeologist (and assassin) they found in a mafia in the next country over (Vivi’s)

Crocodile’s running it, aka Luffy’s criminal uncle number 500

 Luffy’s pissed about it and smacks him into the dust because it’s his friends country, and then drags Robin along because she needs to have some adventure, and hey, they are checking out the ruin’s next, wont that be cool?

 So robin comes along as the ‘adult super vision’, at least in Nami and Usopp and Chopper’s mind.

She learns that these kids have some how been able to dodge school, and starts teaching them the basics of what they would need to know, and then any thing else they want to know. (Zoro, she finds, is extremely good at math while Sanji enjoys chemistry. Nami and Usopp catch on quick, while Chopper has his own studies already but enjoys talking to her. Luffy dislikes learning, but if the promise of pirates or foods or letters that wont spin in his head is involved, he’ll gladly sit down for a bit. He especially loves the stories however.)

Robin finds herself inching dangerously into mom territory, and accepts it whole heartedly after meeting Franky, who she finds handsomely hilarious.

She has a shady past but is slowly opening up about it, and knows she will watch the world burn for this crew.

Y’all know about Franky already so im gonna move on.

Brook – super fucking Old musician they found on the street looking for his dog Laboon

 He used to be a star but lost his fame but doesn’t care – he  only wants to make people happy with his music.

Luffy just straight up just drags him into the sunny, its becoming a habit of him kidnapping people, that’s not how you make friends Luffy (or at least it shouldn’t be – he always seems to make it work.)

 Everyone just goes with it at this point while Franky sighs and triie sto figure out how to make a giant RV even bigger

The Crew find out his dog is living in luffy’s home town and used to play with Luffy when his friends weren’t around. They vow to go back once everything dies down, but in the mean time Dadan gets a new guard dog in her house hold

Usopp posts one (1) video of Brook (on Halloween in skeleton make up) and he instantly becomes a revived star, thriving on the mytery of the Skeleton Soul King.

He now posts videos from around the world of him singing but its impossible to predict where he will be next, and he’s invisible with out his make up to the internet, so its good for the whole criminal thing.

Jimbe

(best) Criminal uncle 501

 No one knows exactly how he knows luffy beyond luffy himself but they are 90% sure its something to do with the underground warlord system that Luffy has connections too

 He gives the best hugs, Uncle Iroh but without the well-meaning manipulation.

 He’s tired of responsibility that he has in his underground position and kinda wants to fuck off to the Caribbean but then he meets luffy again and is like this is better

He Leaves the fishman gang behind with subordinate in charge and joins strawhats

He becomes stressed - “Why did you choose an archeologist and a man who wears speedos for adult supervision, how are you alive, do you need a hug, do you know basic math, have you even gone to school, oh thank god Robin is here - ”

Two minutes later

“Do you have code names, can I have one,”

 He’s a big faker the dummy everyone can see right through you, you’re aren’t on this crew if you have common sense

Between dad moments, essentially its just the Straw hats breaking in and causing havoc where ever they go, building their bounties and being a found family.

That’s it for now, but please ask questions! Sorry this was so long lmao, ill also add something for Vivi later!

[theinformantofficial]

Hypocrites.

Hello all. 

I think its about time that I introduced myself to you. I am one of John Adam’s living descendants. And I am sick of what this country has turned into and what many people are doing to the office of president. You make me fucking disgusted. 

The USA is not a place of complete good or bad. It is more like a massive grey area. We have made strides in social justice while simultaneously being the problem. We are one of the leaders in medicine while our country is being crippled by idiots advocating for no masks or medical treatment. We are a melting pot but on stolen land. We are many things both good and bad. But people don’t like to talk about that. Its always either one of the other. The 2 polar extremes. 

However, each day I grow more and more resentful of my country as things here continue to get worse. We don’t hold ourselves to the standard of progress, rather regression. We still have slaves in the form of sex trafficked women and the American prison system. There is still no concise answer on if racism is bad. We have people who would rather risk the health of their families and kids to listen to what our sorry excuse of a president says about public health. 

“Masks are unnecessary and against my rights”, “I dont need to listen to the government and social distance”, “My haircut is more important than your immuno-compromised child life”. “All lives matter”, “But black on black crime”, “I should have the right to own as many guns as I want without restriction” ,“But america IS free”, “They deserved being shot”

Shut the fuck up. You make what my ancestors created look like a fucking joke. Your sorry excuse for a president is not a leader, rather an overgrown man-child with no filter or higher critical thinking skill than a 7 year old. You would much rather listen to a man who thinks “antifa” is an organization and COVID is not a problem rather than the historians, doctors, and actual educated people telling you otherwise. 

When you fly that fucking confederate flag it is not a sign of patriotism. It is a sign that you dont give a shit about the country you live in, and only care about your “special snowflake white only” history. You equating that to the shit my ancestors fought for SICKENS ME. Your de-progression from normal people to over pampered obese Karens sickens me. You overt Racism sickens me. Your twisting of the bible to put LGBTQ people and POC beneath you SICKENS ME. You all fucking sicken me. 

Do me a favor and pack your shit up because you clearly dont belong here. All of those nasty blacks, immigrants, Gay, trans, lesbian, natives and decent fucking people who can do more than spout “MAGA” every 20 minutes deserve it more than you do. You make what my ancestors fought for a joke. You make the country they created a joke. And you erase history because all the negative things offend you.

Black lives matter, science is real, COVID is a problem, you are NOT above the law, LGBTQ people are normal people and should not be abuse, Immigration is not bad, Women have worth, water is a human right, and Native people in this country deserve their cultural heritage. 

Get your racist, homophobic, bible misquoting, history destorying, snowflake crybaby MAGA ass OUT OF MY FUCKING COUNTRY. 

Let people live you sick excuses of “American” patriots. 

Im tired of you people shitting up my country like you shit up facebook. 

[fuckblizzardbearlover]

vauging post is vague*

So like i dont know why people post stuff they dont want ppl to comment on or reblog. Literally the entire point of putting stuff on the internet is for other people to interact with it. if you just want to write your thoughts a word document will work just fine.  The only thing i can think of is wanting to make sure everyone else sees YOUR opinion while you dont have to see others.

Regardless. Saying that characters dont deserve redemption (at the moment in their story) is not saying that you need someone elses permission to change.

Maybe you are thinking of forgiveness. But REDEMPTION is a cosmic idea.

“ to make up for; make amends for; offset (some fault, shortcoming, etc.): “

“ to deliver from sin and its consequences by means of a sacrifice offered for the sinner. “

redemption is the PROCESS of understanding what you did wrong, why it was wrong , feeling guilt for it and enacting the process of trying to fix it with the understanding that it might never be enough. thats why all those crycry edgy animes has the protagonist trying to save every life they can and suffering any punishment they are met out because they murdered so many people in the samurai war or whatever and even if they saved hundreds of lives it ‘wont be enough”

Its not something people can give you. If you, say, go to the family of every person related to the person you killed and ask them to judge you and they all forgive you, you are not redeemed. the very nature of redemption, regardless of ones belief is the idea of there being some sense of justice and force of good in the world and the hope that if you do enough good it wont FIX what you broke but it will MAKE UP FOR IT, because the whole point is the thing you did CANNOT BE FIXED.

and that is my point. No Jasper didnt get ‘her moment’ nor a redemption arc because 1) its “steven universe” not “Space Gem Alien Opera” and the focus isnt on her, and 2) for her to get a redemption and start the arc would require her recognizing that what she did was wrong and then make the CHOICE to make up for it. I would say periodot and Lapis are STILL trying to redeem themselves. based on the narrative, when Greg first told steven about the war, the gems (rightfully) still feel guilty about their peoples near destruction of the billions of life forms on earth (which is compounded by the fact that it wasnt untill steven forced them to socialize, that they even saw the humans as equals and worth saving, and by their own admission only did it because its what rose wanted).

Thats my point Jasper LOVED the totalitarian government, she ENJOYS hurting people. SHe KNOWS they suffer and that gives her PLEASURE. She Likes the way gem society is because it means she gets to kill things and torture other gems who are beneath her. she fully believes in imperialism. She-does not-deserve-redemption. At least not until about a full seasons character development. it took peridot multiple episodes to decide to help the good guys and that was to save herself and several more episodes before she considered herself a steward of the life on Earth.  ANd she never ENJOYED being evil.

And same goes for shadowweaver. There COULD be character development that changed her personality. but as her personality is at the moment she doesnt have a good bone in her body. she does not care about life nor people, except those that she deems belonging to her. And that was my point. she didnt have a tragic backstory. She was a Haughty bully who saw everyone else as beneath her. When the rulers of her kingdom decided the risks were to much she said she knew more than any of them and risked herself, her charge, and the whole kingdom. and when they didnt accept her monsterous mistake for the brilliance she saw it as, she went to the most evil organization she knew to trade power for the lives of those under her protection.

She does not care for anyone, she is evil and selfish. she has never even questioned if she was doing the right thing, she values no one’s opinion but her own, and she fundamentally sees manipulation as the main form of interacting with people. She-Does not-Deserve-Redemption.

At least not until she has a fundamental change in personality, an epiphany a realization that Every horrible thing that has happened to her has been her fault because she CHOSE magic and power over people.

And keep in mind that recongizing that a FICTIONAL character that is in a STORY is not at a point in their CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT to deserve to be redeemed, something the most penitent people might not achieve....Does not make one a hater or an anti or whatever. I love jaspers character and SHadowweaver is one of my favorite characters in She Ra and i Hope both finally reach that epiphany in a well crafted reasonable way (which i believe the writers are capable of doing). But they arent there yet and might never be there because of the Core aspects of their character.

Catra is a CHILD who’s bad habits and personality traits were created out of FEAR and her narrative arch has been amazing. Because its been done well, forcing her to hit rock bottom so she can see her fuck ups. but She did not choose to live in the fright zone, she didnt choose her caretaker,  But she DID choose to not abandon the horde, she did choose to value her pride over friendship. And thats what her path has led her to.

hitting rock bottom, realizing that while she had legitmate reasons to be a skamp that her losing everything was HER FAULT. She’s hit rock bottom, she’s realized her unhappyness is caused by her own hand, and now the healing can begin.

So if it took catra 5 seasons to even see the dawn of her redemption arch, i highly doubt Mrs “i’m going to sell out my children for power” will get one any time before the series is cancelled.

*and i’m VAGUE POSTING not @ ing because 1)I dont want to harrass the person who inspired this post 2) i want to put this post out there for other people to see because i think many people need to see it 3) This gives them the option to read or not read it nor does it call attention to them 4)lots of people here are really stupid and do that “I’m going to post something where millions of people can see it but dont anyone dare respond to it!” thing where you make your post private after someone gives a fairly respectful rebuttle,  and i AM calling ALL you bitches out cus its fucking dumb. stop doing that.

[sailolive93-blog]

The best Guide to Reddit Marketing around 2019

"Yep, i do all my modelling in C4D as I just know the tools so well there. I do minimal retopology in Zbrush on organic shapes but any hard surfaces I make in C4D. I'd recommend the "Introduction to Subdivision modelling in C4D" by Shane Benson on Vimeo (he goes by Sheppard O'Neill on��YouTube if you prefer that) and it was his tuts that got me into box and subdiv modelling.

I'm also releasing a modelling workshop in C4D and models from the kitchen scene that these belong to will be in there to learn. Just not these two as they belong to marketing for the workshop. very well "Brand new Reddit account with two extensive comments defending Boa Vista Orchards huh...? We joked earlier about spotting the Boa Vista account in here but it looks like we actually have lol! > I just talked to the dude who does the marketing for Apple Hill and he sent me this So you just randomly talked to the guy and he emailed over his entire statement...? " "I too wonder why they didn’t just create a new line and call it the mach-e instead of mustang, I believe it has something to do with the marketing department since they knew it’ll stir a lot of discussion" "Precedent suggests it depends on the marketing around the product being sold and the implied purpose. " "Wow, ha. The fact that you think that it’s ok for the government to strip away my personal health insurance so that I HAVE to be on the same shitty plan on everybody else is crazy. If healthcare is “free” and universal, the quality of healthcare is bound to decrease. I can choose to pay for whatever the fuck I want and whatever healthcare I want. I give to charity and I have plans on giving a lot more to charity as I get further in my career and start making more money. Believe it or not, you aren’t the only one that cares about people just because you want “free” healthcare for everybody. And there is also no such thing as free healthcare. It has to be paid somehow and middle class taxes will go up no matter how complicated you try to make the source of payment sound. And regarding free college, that will also raise middle class taxes. You keep bringing up this. 02% of financial transactions bullshit as if that’s going to cover all costs. Have you done studies on this yourself? Do you even know that? You act like all these things can be magically paid for without anybody in the middle class being negatively affected. I have a bachelor’s degree and I didn’t feel like college was very challenging. It was more like a series of annoying classes I didn’t need when all of college could have been boiled down into one year of the core classes of my major of marketing. College is a fuckin scam and it’s only truly necessary for a very limited amount of majors. You’re just another minion that kisses the feet of big-government Democrats that try to make us feel like horrible people for not allowing them to sucks insane amounts of money out of the economy and spend it how they would like to. inch "That's including the localization teams for every language though, as well as PR and marketing. >! Some of them might even be legacy accreditation for the Gen 6 models they're *still* using.! < " "Time is a cost and you should track where that cost is going. That said, if you are working on general administrative/nonbillable stuff within your own department, it's pretty easy to have that time automatically go to the right cost bucket, so generic entries for that sort of thing are fine imo. The stuff that really has to be tracked is anything for clients or for departments that are outside your default (e. g. engineer writes a blog post, that's marketing time etc). micron "I believe there are some lessons on Google Academy for Adss (now called Skillshop) but hands-on experience is tricky. Two ways are possible, 1) is for you to have your own website and use Google Ad Sense, but this is more from the advertiser side rather than publisher or technical side 2) ask a digital or marketing agency that is near you if you can shadow/assist/internship/work experience for a week or so. This may be difficult depending on where you live and agency people are always very busy, so if you do ask tell them how you could help THEM not the other way around. To be honest, start with Analytics and Paid Search as they are arguable more accessible and have more out there for you to learn" "We are in the same boat, but different industry. Here's my approach, starting this week: I'm joining business groups that my target clients are a part of, for example, manufacturer groups. Then I'm going to target that organization with our services. I'm then going to offer to speak about the service I offer and how it helps businesses. Not a marketing spiel, an educational talk. Good luck" "One might consider a lawsuit if a car or alcohol company advocated or implied the action of drinking and driving in their marketing" "This post has been removed for breaking Rule 1. No Spammy Titles. Do not mention anything about selling anything in the title. Absolutely ZERO marketing in the title. Do not even ask for people to contact you for more. Be enticing. Post quality pics with quality titles. Read the rules for info on how to market yourself here. If your posts keep getting removed then you will be banned. READ THE RULES! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Remember to[contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/? to=/r/feetpics) if you have any questions or concerns. *" "I came of grew up and came of age in Chicago during Jordan's time with the Bulls and the shortest answer is that it's almost incomparable because the level of fame basketball players before Michael Jordan was laughably lower than now. Even today MJ has a logo that might be more identifiable than the company that created it. I would argue no athlete in any sport has surpassed MJ's level of fame. MJ pioneered so many avenues of endorsements, its like comparing planes in the era of propeller planes with jet planes. Jordan like most greats, stood on the shoulders of giants, specifically Larry Bird and Magic Johnson. Those two spent the better part of the late 70's and early to late 80's dominating the sport of basketball. Also add in Isiah Thomas of the Pistons and arguably "Dr. J" Julius Erving of the 76ers and those four were the superstars of the four teams that won EVERY NBA championship of the decade. Before Michael Jordan won his FIRST NBA Championship in 1991, he was arguably bigger than all of them. Before MJ, being a big name athlete meant getting your name on a breakfast cereal box called Wheaties, and doing the commercial saying the plug line "Gotta eat your Wheaties! " That's not a joke. Check 'em out on youtube, they're cringe worthy. MJ's meteoric rise in my opinion was helped by a few special advertising campaigns. I think first would have been his Nike commercials with Spike Lee, another pioneer. He just made "Do the right thing" at a time when black people making movies with black people in the movies wasn't really a thing. Spike Lee also happens to like playing characters in his own movies and Mars Blackmon was a character in that movie that Spike Lee chose to portray in a series of commericals with Michael Jordan. Again, pardon me for repeating, but I have to say it again for context. You have a supremely talented and charismatic young athlete being marketed by a young shoe company (Converse Chuck Taylors were still THE basketball shoe) hiring a visionary and ground breaking director to do something that had not been done before. And they crushed it. Again, at this time Michael Jordan wasn't winning NBA championships. He was having savant level performances, but get bounced out of the first round by the Celtics, or getting manhandled in the playoffs by the Pistons. By the time he did win it all in 91, MJ was doing things that no one had done in fields well outside basketball. Michael Jordan in Flight is one of the first videogames to have 3D. He had already supplanted Dr J in the one on one basketball video game with Larry Bird. Gatorade put out a marketing campaign with the song "Be Like Mike" and that song was the top song for the summer of 92 in Chicago on most radio stations regardless of genre. You're already familiar with Space Jam, but before Space Jam, the Looney Toons were relegated to afternoon after school syndicated (rerun) television stations. Michael Jordan made Bugs Bunny cool again to a whole new generation that knows of them only through MJ. I hope that helps. inches "Yeah I don't want to turn it around and criticize Musk over this or anything, but Tesla is great at PR and marketing while convincing people they don't actually try to be. inches "No, you dont need more parties, you need to ban all parties and establish government funded elections where everyone with a certain amount of support by the people can run using government money and marketing channels. Equal funding, equal marketing, equal candidacy, by the people, for the people. Sounds too good to be true? Well fuck you, because parties are corrupt barbaric cavemen shit. " " Funny Cartoon Images for website content - Family Funny Images and illustrations, Ultimate single panel funny cartoons used for websites, social media and emails https://www.freecartoonsdaily.com https://www.cartoons.cafe   www.cartoons.cafe www.acmeblanks.com sign up now! Funny Cartoons, Funny family cartoon images, Custom Cartoons, Niche Cartoons, Humorous Illustration Services, Business Cartoons, Medical Cartoons, Custom Comic Strips, Book Illustration Services, Political Cartoons, funny hospital cartoons, cartoons for marketing, corporate cartoons, work cartoons, business cartoons, Computer Cartoons, farmer cartoons, farm cartoons, tractor cartoons, Pig cartoons, pig farmer cartoons, cor farmer cartoons, wheat farmer cartoons, soybean farmer cartoons.... inch "That's including people associated with the marketing and promotion of Sword and Shield, which means people at Nintendo and the Pokemon Company rather than actual programmers at Game Freak working on the game itself. The same article you're looking at gives 200 at Game Freak - which is likely wrong since Game Freak had 143 employees, and Game Freak openly stated most were working on Town. You could include the modelers from Creatures Inc, but given that the models are the same as those developed for X and Y by Creatures Inc years ago, they are likely still being credited for "work" on this game that was actually done quite some time ago. " "Imagine what a lucky break JonTron was for FlexSeal. Their products are actually pretty decent, but their marketing was almost typical infomercial stuff that no-one over fifty would've seen. Next, out of nowhere, some YouTuber makes them famous amongst younger customers. People make "that's a lotta damage, " and "I sawed this boat in half, " memes. Everyone knows who they are. Chances are, when you need some stuff like this you'll at the very least know about their existence and you might buy their stuff because at least you know they're legit. Some people will buy it when they need something like that, literally for the meme. All they have to do is keep the ball rolling with tweets like these (because, of course, people actually follow them on Twitter now). " "That's my point. The pub you linked to is disney land. I'm looking for somewhere that recreates the  a more authentic historical experience. I think these places have got their marketing wrong which is why they are closing. They should be trying to recreate an experience closer to that in the Pathe news reel. If you just sold fresh baked bread, potted Hare, a variety of local ales you could heat with a poker while smoking a hilarious pipe you could capture a huge slice of the real ale / hipster / foodie market. " "No game in the genre had been competition for the Diablo franchise since it's inception. D3 no matter how you look at it was a huge commercial success being in the top 10 video games sold of all time at one point. Diablo now has become what WoW was before, tons of games saying they are a WoW killer and none of them doing it. So now we looming at Diablo killers but they all end up falling off somewhere because they don't get the same $$$ support / marketing. inch "8M opening weekend bad = bad marketing. Bad quality movie would be revealed in the multiplier (word of mouth and no rewatches). In this case I don’t think there was anything compelling from the movie they could focus the marketing around which led to the 8M OW. " "I’m in the same boat. I have to get 14 credits by may2020. In the last 2 weeks I did principle of marketing 3 credits score 66 and principal of management 3 credits score 62. This week I’ll take precalculas which is 5 credits and calculus which is 4 credits. I did not pay the $89 for the test because I did modernstates which pays the testing fee. It also reimburses me for the $20 testing fee" "Marketing. McAf€€ gets money from users, Micro$oft gets money from McAfee. They beget the green, motherfuckers that they are. Sometimes  http://tipofmytongue.topreddit.info  who install 3^^rd party stuff tho, it's not only Microsoft. Anyway, it's a motherfuckery of bloatware if not malware. "McAfee antivirus is one of the worst products on the planet" -John McAfee" "You're arguing entirely from marketing hype instead of actual quality, which is entirely stupid and comes down entirely to Sont having far greater of a userbase and them having less games to pump more money behind. Besides, let's not pretend Sony has an actual library of games here. Both Xbox and Sony have completely shit the bed this console generation in terms of exclusive libraries. Sony has had like, 8 good games this entire generation as exclusives. You have Death Stranding, Uncharted 4, Horizon, Until Dawn, Bloodborne, God of War, MLB The Show... That's about it? I guess you also have Detroit and Last Guardian depending on who you ask, but I defo don't wanna throw Days Gone on that list. But in any case, you could lump all of those games into loke 3-4 genres. Am I missing anything? But yeah, stop saying dumb shit like "Well its not a household name so its irrelevant" because you're entirely missing the point and reducing the entire industry to what can or can't be marketed. As well, its telling that Sony has stated their goal next-gen is to have less games release but have them be bigger, where Microsoft is going the opposite direction. Keep the the big titles, bur also have a little something for everyone. Diversity is important. Your Battletoads reboot might not sell as well, but its important to folks who like it. Games shouldn't be live or die based on how well they fit in established and marketable trends. Its absurdly reductive" "I actually never had injected one, whats the main difference? And is it really a big improvement or rather a marketing bait" "It’s all part of his NYC persona. Marketing. inches

[galimatios]

fear thy fortune chatlog notes

thinking abt the underdeveloped au i have in that weird off color fantasy universe that i realized is probably similar in ways to bloodborne even before i knew abt bloodbornes plot but this is nice bc i can solidify parts of it and i can probably also combine it with the knights au i have

OK I FORGOT TO PUT A CW HERE BUT CW FOR ABUSE MENT AND GORE MENT

somewhere located in present day west asia slash east europe theres a country divided into numerous states in which princes and princesses (princex (poc)/princen/etc for gender neutral options) are perpetually in contest with eachother for the right to be the divine ruler of the country

monarchy is not guided by blood, rather the church is responsible for finding the chosen candidates via prophecy, fururesight, dream interpretation, etc, and these kids are taken from their homes and reared as royalty the nature of this country is ... severe. pain is a gift, proof that one is alive. much ceremony is based in sacrifice, bloodspill, bloodsports, and pain endurance. magic as practiced by the church is extremely powerful in terms of healing so almost all wounds can be healed provided the heart still beats its essentially one big huge freakish cult of a country that has customs that seem barbaric to outsiders

the divine ruler of each state is the princens, though more often than not their councils do most of the governing with the princen merely being a puppet figurehead. they go through rigorous training to sharpen their minds and endurance against all types of pain, so training includes physical, mental, emotional trials in which the princen is supposed to keep a clear mind, concentrate on mediation or some mantra, bearing whatever is thrown at them. additionally they receive the best training in both combat and politics as well as magic. not all princen can withstand the requirements ofc so they.. vary quite a bit in terms of stability/constitution. its a p sick system even without the knights added in bc thats super messed up

the knights essentially belong to their princens in heart body mind and soul, and each princen receives exactly one knight soulbound to them. they also undergo the same scouting process once the princen is identified, and they undergo similar training except theyre also essentially brainwashed into believing their entire purpose in life is to serve and protect their princen no matter what. obviously this aint healthy! knights delude themselves into it so hard theyll fight for the system that literally abuses them! but thats how cults work

that being said knights are extremely powerful. they act as the sole bodyguard of their princen and believe me you dont want to get inbetween a knight and their prince. they are known especially for their brutality when their lords are threatened. it is extremely common for limbs to be lost in skirmishes btwn assailants and a knight

this takes us to the games! which are essentially gladiator coliseum type bloodsport contests between knights of different princens. its a pretty big affair like how the Olympics are for us so the fanfare the cheering the everything is all there i prob dont need to describe it in detail but its very violent. its considered practice for the knights before the true battle-royale type event thats even BIGGER bc it determines who becomes god-king of the country. this time the princen join their knights in the battlefield and basically whoever is left standing is the new king

is it worth it? probably not bc i think being king actually means being killed to be sent up to the heavens bc god kings dont need bodies any longer in truth the entire debacle is a distraction set up by the church to keep the country under its own control. its super corrupt. the council behind every princen is actually made up of high ranking church members that convene regularly to manipulate the politics of the region

but thats mostly the governing sphere of this world. the commonfolk are removed from most of this violence aside from the indoctrination by the church and the messed up religion they practice. a lot of the belief system here relies on this concept of karma and fate over free will. fate is oppressive, cannot be changed, but god do they try that belief ties into how princen and knights are fated to be pairs, how princen are fated to either ascend to godhood or die trying

but there is one way to manipulate fates in this world there exists in independent of the church a monastery that practices the art of transferring karma. think of karma as a type of currency that can be spent, saved, used, etc. lots of good karma may be distributed amongst loved ones via a ritual headed by a monk, or bad karma can be "paid off" essentially. the amount of good/bad karma a person has directly affects their fortune and luck. this practice is more or less outlawed by the church but the monastery is slowly gaining power over the commonfolk and the church mostly leaves the poor folk to rot anyway- their agenda mostly concerns the monarchy

altho i can definitely see tensions rising with the witch hunting as influenced by the church. particularly nefarious visions may result in blame being thrown around and commoners getting killed for crimes they have yet to commit and thats thanks to the teachings of the church

anyway as of rn though the monastery is still pretty small but it is an old, ancient organization with magic that runs far deeper than the magic of the church. it is a much more subtle magic- monks practice little offensive magic (they are a nonviolent sort anyway) but the ability to exchange karma is rare and has far more reaching impact in the long run i imagine they have strongholds further to the east but anyway theres one trump card the monastic order has

a subsection of the order is dedicated to the keeping of miracles. and miracles are... monsters! they are semi-physical manifestations of literal suffering and the sheer emotional energy provided by them is enough to give miracles the power to.. well. perform miracles.

when a person dies in anguish, there is a chance that their bodies will not decompose the way they are meant to. instead they slowly dissipate, bodies turning coal black and ashen to the touch. these cannot be disposed of the normal way (curses, contamination, all kinds of horrible things happen) so instead these corpses get locked up inside brick cells within the monastery

once, one of these was opened only to reveal that the bodies were gone- only a humming, massive shadow that seemed to move as if made of flies or soot combined. and it spoke, too. this was the first miracle created it was discovered then that these creatures had immense power but could not leave the rooms they were imprisoned in, touch sunlight, and similarly they could not die

imagine like the witchs nightmares in pmmm and you get what its like to be a soul trapped in a miracle. u get to relive ur worst fears and regrets forever. it suck miracles also cannot direct their powers towards their own will, only the will of others. ofc they are still monsters and exact a price for their services, whatever it may be.

a meeting with a miracle does not come cheap or without consequence, bc although miracles can be performed, karma always rebalances itself in the end. monks tasked with guarding and curating the miracles are called gatekeepers and are often someone close to one of the souls trapped in the vortex anyway i think thats the basics of everything in there... i got an au w cyrus as a prince and alex as his knight and instead of sticking around for their inevitable deaths the pair run off into the countryside far far away

actually i think something went wrong in the ceremony. cyrus and alex win godkingship of then... something goes wrong. probably the whole die-to-ascend thing is a secret kept from the princen and the public and. alex does a thing a knight should not do a refuses to let the ceremony continue. and im p sure as soon as cyrus learns of the truth hes like haha well fuck that

then they spend the rest of their days actually experiencing what life is like outside of a freakish cult and my fucking feels

i think.. meanwhile the monastic order grows in influence and power making them the enemy of the church... and jonah (yonah in this au) sacrifices himself to the miracle containing his brother in order to give the miracle a corporal form. which means august and company now have a physical conduit for all that power they had.

bad news for the church! bc august was unrightfully killed bc of a prophecy saying that hed become a huge threat and a killer

funny how prophecies work!

so now hes out for blood and he probably uses his own charisma and power to stage a coup against the church and basically the country goes to hell and i think at this point cyrus thinks. i got out of there alive. i need to do something about this. so he and alex probably join in and become arbiters of the game esp since cyrus and alex were probably the best synced, most skilled prince/knight duo the church had seen up to that date so theyre very powerful. ofc theyre still only two people so i really wonder how theyll step in btwn these two opposing parties

augusts side isnt good either bc august... is only out for revenge and self interest. he has no interest in fixing the country or helping anyone in fact once august is firmly seated on the throne of power he probably declares himself god-king anyway the end game probably looks like augusts body (which is jonahs body) being destroyed and the miracle contained in it finally put to rest jonahs soul must have something to do with the exorcism process- theyve tried to exorcise miracles before and only ended up upsetting it into violent outbursts anyway thats enough rambling from me time to paste this all into a blog post

god what if august picked keith to be his knight. thats messed up. keiths so easy to manipulate and hed be such a wildcard of a knight. he has more magic potential than alex and hes faster on his feet. im imagining bloodlust frenzy almost hyena-like behavior. also i mostly just want to see keith being violent and evil and i have an outfit in mind that would look great with a little splash of red

think like minimalistic ouji but like all black and keith with knives and serving a clearly twisted (even more than usual bc of the miracle’s influence) august

god even better the aftermath of augusts death TIME FOR THE FUCKING FEELS TO KICK IN BC now Keith has no purpose/he FAILED to protect his king WHICH WAS HIS ONLY PURPOSE IN LIFE then alex coming in with cy and just no, you have inherent worth. what happened wasn't right im upset this is how alex and keith become family in this au

miracles i think in this case are definitely more of a means to an end i think narratively ie jonahs brother being killed and augusts soul being trapped within it- tho i think its a good tie-in into how the severe paranoid cultish way the society works ends up producing a lot of People Dying In Extreme Anguish

almost a buildup of sickness so to say.. a plague of the soul that's a cool avenue to go down tbh the idea that miracles are more like viruses spreading misfortune in the long run for some quick gain in this life but bc karma always collects her debts if i throw in some nice reincarnation that would effectively damn someone in their next life... that implies that this story may need to expand across different generations

mechanics being so much bullshit has happened in this country it houses multiple miracles whereas elsewhere its like one, or none, very few in their histories except possibly during wartime and famine

since magic is Exists in this it makes sense that the emotional energy combined w ambient energy would manifest in some kind of grotesque Being

oh no thats maybe why the church is manipulating things by purposely generating that emotional trauma in its society its producing unprecedented amounts of energy they can utilize as magic power oh  no thats super bad august would definitely take advantage of that bc hed definitely figure the truth out once hes back to being alive

im upset bc i think they use princens and knights to specifically create emotional energy

energy released upon death which typically happens after a knight/prince duo has been chosen... then the resulting STRONG ass char plague on their bodies are collected to make artifacts? yes

gems created from the ashen plague are embedded into a huge mandala that actually ... is the god-king itself

[ravioli-cats]

okay I just need to vent.

okay so I'm on an alternative spring break trip and it's really fun and good for the most part. I really love that I'm around people so much and that I get a lot of attention and that my time is filled like I'm always busy pretty much. But there are some things I'm feeling that I don't like so much. 1) there's one site we are volunteering at that (even tho they are an LGBT organization), I feel pretty uncomfortable at because they keep saying transphobic stuff and my interactions with the people that work at the organization just don't feel comfortable at all. 2) I love being able to be funny and goofy and myself but after the fact like when I lay in bed at night and think about it I feel so self conscious and like everyone on the trip actually hates me and thinks I'm annoying and complaining too much and it makes me want to just withdraw and not say anything but if I did that I would feel like shit so I just don't know what to do or how to act. I really like being around these people and they feel safe to be silly around but I always get doubts and that makes me question not only the people on this trip but also my friends back at school. Do they really like me or do they just tolerate me, ya know? I feel like I'm just so annoying and needy for attention and it makes me feel guilty and unloved and I even know that these thoughts aren't rational but I still feel it. It makes me either want to change my behavior and act like I did in high school when I was quiet and boring and miserable and wouldn't talk to people or try to be silly or friendly because I was sure everyone hated me anyway. It's so much better to just be able to be myself: crazy and silly and complains a lot and loves people and cares about people so fucking much. I just want to love everyone. I want to say I love you to everyone because I feel so good when I interact with people and guilty at the same time because I feel like I'm not good enough for them and that everyone is better than me so much so that I want to praise everyone. Everyone on my trip: I love you. All of my friends back at school: I love you. Etc. Like,,,,, I feel like it's weird but feeling connected to people is the only time I feel happy. Which leads me to 3) I don't want the trip to end. I feel like when this is over I'm going to be so lonely again. I shouldn't feel hopeless and depressed when I'm alone but I do, so so much. On this trip I have to many opportunities to be myself and connect with people in genuine ways because I am with people that I get along with pretty much 24/7 with very little alone time. And the thing is I KNOW that I can't be around people constantly. I feel the stress being here and not being able to be alone and I don't like it, but I think being around people constantly does more good than harm for me (depending on the people) because it makes me feel safe and cared about and feel like I have the ability to interact with people if I want to. When the trip is over I'm going to go home to school and be alone again most of the time. I'm going to feel that same feeling of feeling unloved and isolated and vulnerable, vulnerable in the sense that I'm not able to be myself with other people, not able to see my existence validated. When I'm alone I feel almost inhuman, like I don't really exist almost. When I am able to be myself around people and they react in a positive way I feel,,,, loved,,,,, valid,,,, empowered,,,, happy,,,, safe,,,,and real...human. I hate that I feel this way because it is too needy. I shouldn't need to be interacting with people to feel real, but I do. I think that for so long when I was in middle and high school I felt like I didn't even really exist. I spent every day going through the motions and trying to be unseen because I felt so worthless and insignificant. I felt nothing for so long and even tho I was alive I wasn't really existing. I would go through the day and not feel anything except empty, like I didn't belong anywhere or was allowed to really enjoy my life. When I went on trips for debate where I got to be myself and socialize with people I trusted is one of the only times when I would feel good. I feel like not much has changed. I only feel good when I'm hanging out with any of the people from my group of friends from school (especially a select few), or when I go to my trans support group and can be myself and socialize, or now on this trip with the people I'm with. I love feeling good and feeling happy when I am with people but it almost like I can't enjoy it to the fullest because I have SO MUCH self loathing and because I know it is going to end and I'm going to be lonely and feel like shit constantly when I go back to school. I just hate that I'm like this and that my dad and family and early life experiences fucked me up so much like this because I just want to be happy so badly and I know what it feels like but I feel like I'm just never going to get there. It just makes me kinda want to die. Like legitimately. I know most people would just say "oh just look forward to the next time you will get to feel good" but it doesn't work like that. The times when I am able to interact with people and feel good are not often enough to where I feel like the good times come enough to counteract the bad. Instead of looking forward to the good times I feel like I yearn for them like a starving person yearns for food, and while I am in the good times I am so anxious and depressed about the good times ending that I can't enjoy them fully. I just wish I was normal. My brain is so fucked up. Yet another reason I'm afraid I deserve to be so lonely. I'm too depressed and complicated. I SHOULD die because I'm a burden since I need so much attention and validation and I feel like dying would be less painful than my shitty depressing life with my fucked up brain and no one to talk about all this with other than the non-listening people of tumblr. Tbh I know this is so fucking long no one is going to read it but if anyone does and wants to talk to me please do because all this shit hurts so much and thinking about this stuff is the one thing that actually makes me cry in relation to myself. Like I can cry at emotional things happen externally from myself but not for myself. Except for this. I literally hate my life. Sorry about the rambling now onto the next thing. 4) this spring break trip is about LGBT awareness and one of the sites we are working at is a drop in center that provides services for LGBT people in detroit, ages 13-30. It's honestly so depressing and it keeps making me think about (as terrible as it sounds) how much I hate being trans. Living life as LGBT (esp trans or if you have an marginalized intersecting identity like race, class, ethnicity, ability status, immigration status etc.) is sooooo fucking hard. I feel like the government doesn't care about me at all and that's probably true tbh. beyond that though working at this site has also brought to my attention how much it sucks when your family doesn't accept you as an LGBT person, because the site mostly deals with homeless youth that got kicked out of their homes or had to leave because they weren't accepted and didn't feel safe. Not to make this about me because I know a lot of people, including the people that use the drop in center/shelter site I'm volunteering at, have it worse than me, but I have it hard too. I really don't want to go back to my hometown over this coming summer because I don't want to see my dad and I don't really want to live at home with my mom either. It's just so hard to be trans (aka MYSELF) around my family because they have such a hard time with it and it's so awkward and I truthfully don't feel safe and validated there. But I don't really have many other choices. I can't really afford to stay at college and work or take classes and even if I did I would be so fucking lonely that I honestly might die (see the whole long thing I did in number 3). I feel so trapped and unsafe and like I have no options and control over my life. Like, I know my mom and my sister and even my moms boyfriend care about me a lot, and I care about them, but I don't feel like I can stand to live there. Especially with my grandpa there, I really don't feel safe around him at all. I just don't know what to do. And I feel so stressed constantly about my dad. I feel like I have to tell him I'm trans AT SOME POINT like he will have to know eventually and I'm so so so so so so so so scared about it honestly it terrifies me more than almost anything. I honestly don't know if I could handle his reaction, because I dont really see it being positive. Even if he were to be fine with it there will never ever ever be a point where he would be able to address me in the way I want, just like I'm not sure that will ever happen with most of my extended family. I feel like I am hurting my family by being trans tbh. And I also feel like I am hurting myself and that's why I hate it. There are so many good things about being trans like being able to be myself and be COMFORTABLE being myself. Getting on hormones has been one of the greatest things. I actually feel so much more comfortable in my own skin and that makes me happier sometimes, but most of the time I still feel like shit. That's because there is still so much I feel uncomfortable about. My hips are too big, my chest is too big, I'm too fat, I'm too ugly, my voice goes higher sometimes, I don't always pass, my hair looks bad (although this is less of an issue since I've realized I'm trans and started transitioning and had short hair I usually love my hair but am still sometimes self conscious about it not looking right or male enough (which I know is stupid but it's how I feel) ), my nails grow too fast and are always too long, my face looks feminine, I have ~breasts~ that I will never be able to afford top surgery for and ~female genitalia~ that make it so I will never find an actual gay man that I love that will love me back (also because of all of my other l trans related body issues a guy will never love me ). My dsyphoria is so bad whenever I go to class or leave my apartment, or even when I'm in my apartment and certain people that I feel like I need to impress or pass for are there. It's also worse when I am in places where I am prone to be misgendered like when I'm at ~home~ with my family, or in class or out literally anywhere in public where people don't know me. Especially because I don't feel safe being trans. I don't feel safe going out in public not passing. I don't think I will be physically harmed but I'm so afraid that I will be misgendered like I actually was on this trip by people AT AN LGBT ORGANIZATION. it hurt so much and now being at that site and being on this trip with the people from my school that I'm doing this with I feel more dysphoria and more like I need to be extra masculine in order for my identity to be valid. Especially with the current political climate and everything that is happening in this world I just don't feel safe and valid so much of the time, even when I'm in places where I should feel safe and valid. like a few weeks ago in my one class where we had to read an article by a TERF and talk about it on an online discussion forum. People in my class were agreeing with and sympathizing with the TERF and it honestly felt so shitty. Not because I felt insecure about my identity, I'm not. I know I'm trans. I am a man. I am a man. I know I am a man. Nothing will change me being a man. It felt shitty because it just adds to me feeling so unloved. Unloved by my dad, unloved by my peers, unloved by society. I'm lonely and unloved. People hate me for being trans. People hate me for being myself, which is just so depressing for me because I LOVE people so much, as I've said before. I think people are beautiful and amazing and I don't understand how other people function and I loved how diverse people are. I love love love love so much my heart is so full of love and I feel like I dont get enough back. Instead I get constant messages of people invalidating my existence when they misgender me, or when the fuckhead president trump and republican fuckheads in office demonstrate just how much they don't care about trans kids/people. I just want to be loved. I want to be cared for because I care about people so fucking much and I give so much. I don't want to sound entitled but it think it deserve it. I love how it feels to be validated and to be loved and to feel happy. I want it more. I don't like feeling invalid, inhuman, unloved and even hated. I really really don't like it. Aside from all the things I've talked about above there are so many other things that make being trans so hard for me. Binding. One thing that helps me feel a little safer. A little more valid. A little more okay with my body. Currently all of my binders are broken. They don't work like they should. I am not as flat as I want to be. It makes me so self conscious and dysphoric every day. And wearing the binder hurts so much. On this trip I have been wearing it like 13-15 hours a day because I'm not even explicitly out to most of the people on this trip. And I am so sore. I've been doing a lot of physical work and I know wearing my binder for so long and doing physical work is not good for my body. I think though that the emotional and mental pain I would get from not wearing it would be much worse. If I could, I would even wear it to sleep because I am sleeping around all these people (tbh most of them are in the LGBT community and alllll of them are sympathetic to the issues because we are on a service learning trip to help LGBT people and learn more about LGBT issues, but I still don't feel comfortable enough. The only people I don't always wear my binder around on a regular basis are my roommate, her boyfriend because he's always over and I can't really avoid it and a person probably my closest friend at school because we are so much alike as she is such a great and supportive friends that I feel reallly extremely safe around) that I get along with very well but I still am so dysphoric that I don't feel comfortable enough with to not wear my binder. It make me sleep worse at night. I am so worried that someone will notice me more while I am sleeping or something. But I bind pretty much constantly when I'm not sleeping, at least while I'm on this alternative spring break, and it hurts. My body wants me to give up I think. I have to do my hormone shot in the morning and I'm really nervous about it because I'm on this spring break trip and not home. There is only 1 bathroom and 20 people staying at this place we are st so it's not feasible for me to do my shot in the bathroom so I'll have to find another spot to do it and it just makes me so self conscious and I feel guilty about it because I feel like if I were cis I wouldn't have to be such a bother about it and idk it's not really logical but it makes me feel some type of way and I'm not excited about it. Another thing I'm not happy about with being trans on this trip specifically is that since we are an LGBT awareness group and it's a service learning trip about LGBT issues and I'm the only trans person on the group I feel obligated to educate the others in the group. Even worse is that since I'm not even technically out to all of them (even though they probably know because I'm not sure how well I pass) it feels more awkward to be the one person that knows so much about trans issues AND having to talk about trans people as if it is a Group that im not in and feeling unable to share how my experiences impact me in relation to the volunteer work we are doing/experiences we/I are having and in relAtion to just me being trans in and of itself. Like, I want them to know about trans issues and benefit from the trip and understand trans issues better in general but i really hate that trAns people are always having to teach people and advocate for themselves. I am on this trip and doing work to help a community that I'm a part of because most of the time people outside of the community don't care enough to do the work and it fucking sucks. Having to "be political" constantly because my identity is political and feeling like I have to advocate for myself constantly and in more ways than cis people do is exhausting and hard to deal with on top of all of the other shit I'm going through. Part of that shit is that my name hasn't been changed yet and that my gender marker isn't changed yet. I forget about it until I get to work and my coworkers call me she and my old name and I see my old name everywhere, on the computer screen, on the shelfs of movies. I forget about it until I have to pay for something with my credit or debit card and I have to sign my legal name. I forget about it until I tell people that my roommate is a girl and when people assume I'm a cis male (aka when I pass) that confuses them and sometimes causes them to misgender me or it causes me to out myself. It is so frustrating and exhausting and just not fun at all. I laugh so much about every terrible situation I'm in and make it off to not be a big deal. Like when I was misgendered on the trip and I mentioned it to the group I laughed and swept it under the rug and shrugged it off and said that it was fine, but it really wasn't. It really doesn't feel fine and I don't feel fine about being at that site in the space where I was misgendered and being around people that keep saying problematic, invalidating, transphobic things. It really really really doesn't feel good and honestly I just want to be held and loved. But instead of saying that I laughed and didn't talk about it because I don't want to out myself and I don't want to be a burden to the people in this group that I'm on a trip with. My feelings aren't important enough to be talked about at length. But all this laughing things off is really starting to take a toll on me I think because I really really really really just want to talk to someone about all of this stuff and I can't avoid it anymore it's building up and if I continue to keep it all to myself I am going to have some sort of breakdown. I could talk about all of this with my therapist. Or about some of it with my group that I'm on this alternative spring break trip with. Or some of it with a friend. But my biggest fear is that I will let it all out like I'm doing now but in an actual conversation and people either won't care or just won't know what to do or how to help me. If I keep it inside I can maybe hold on to the hope that it can be fixed and all these irrational thoughts and feelings can go away but if I let it all out and nothing can be done to fix me or to help me that I would be so so broken. I think it would just take every ounce of hope I have left in me. I don't know if I could go on to be perfectly honest. I want so so desperately to talk about all of this stuff but I'm too afraid to. I really feel like most people don't care and the ones that do can't do anything to help me. I really feel like a lost cause. I'm am so lost and distraught with my life. Ive been holding in all of my thoughts since I was little partly because I was too afraid to talk to my dad when I was little. And then when I got older I was too afraid to talk to anyone. And then I high school whenever I tried to talk about something important (or even things that aren't important) to one of my friends, I always felt like I got talked over or ignored in favor of someone else or something else more important than me. I feel like I have never been anyone's favorite (other than my mom I suppose) person or favorite friend and that hurts too. It makes it that much harder for me to interact with people in casual ways let alone in significant ways. I don't know what to do. I guess just get up tomorrow and do my testosterone shot and take a shower and get dressed and interact with people and try to have fun and try not to think too much. Thinking hurts. Feeling hurts. I'm crying good thing everyone is asleep. No one will read this. As it should be probably. fuck my life.