#my nan actually said i looked like a sad puppy today

[desastre-fag]

thinking about leather trousers that lace up on the sides again sigh... they are so gorgeous but they cost one billion pounds :((

[dansnaturepictures]

Our Ruby 29/11/2010-16/04/2020: My tribute 

I will start by explaining what has happened as I did on Twitter and Facebook earlier. I am sad to write that today we have had to say goodbye to our dog Ruby. Her near four and a half year battle with lymphoma has come to an end after tumor growths on her lungs made it near impossible for her to breath. She pawed (giving me her paw as she always liked to do) and kissed me as I said goodbye this morning. Today and always I shall remember Ruby as the most courageous, life loving, eccentric, cheeky, cute, happy, loyal, greedy, noisy, caring, protective, seemingly invincible dog I have known over nearly a decade. She was never just a pet, but always a member of our family. She showed amazing strength to fight this cruel illness over the years and carry on with life being as happy as ever and eager as ever to enjoy life whilst undergoing chemotherapy. 

In this post I want to examine my journey with Ruby and why she meant so much to me and in this photoset are 10 of my favourite pictures I ever took of her as one of my favourite photography subjects are our dogs but especially Ruby was so photogenic. The first eight pictures in this photoset are of her; in the garden in 2013′s snow, at Lakeside, at Rockford Common in the New Forest, at Hayling Island with her mother Missy, jumping into water at Deadman Hill in the New Forest in 2015 my favourite picture to take of her she loved jumping into water and I loved trying to capture her doing it on our walks with my moving subjects setting on my camera and one of her at nearby Godshill later that year, Andrew’s Mare in the New Forest in 2016 and Cape Cornwall last year as she scavenged for food on our holiday as we ate lunch that day. The ninth and tenth picture in this photoset is an early one of her as a puppy with the seven others at home that we bred from her mother Missy in 2010 and what turned out to be my last photo taken with my camera of her at Hayling Island in March. A photo that will be treasured forever like every other I ever took of her. 

So I can’t help thinking back to the early days as I have known her all her life unlike any other dog we’ve had as we did breed her from Missy who we’ve had since early 2009 as a puppy. At that stage I loved Missy but I guess I was at school I didn’t really have the connection with her that my Mum had and I reached a stage I wanted another dog and dreamed of one that I could really build a relationship with. But when it came to the fact we had eight puppies there I was quite indifferent as to which one we ourselves kept it was always our intention we would keep one and sell the rest. But it soon became obvious we’d keep Ruby as everyone who came to visit the puppies with the view of buying one loved Ruby because of her unique colour scheme for a sprocker spaniel and how beautiful she was and we felt that too. So we were keeping her. 

Originally I nearly sided with my Mum on her name though as she wanted to call her Brooke - a name that’s quite in now I guess - after our beloved Pembrokeshire that we’d visited twice for Skomer Island and the Puffins when Ruby was born in late 2010. But I actually changed my allegiance and rarely at that stage I suppose sided with my sister who wanted to call her Ruby as there was a young female character in one of my favourite television programmes ‘Home and Away’ called Ruby who I was quite fond of at that time shall we say. So there it was, Ruby was named and weirdly I began to remember when I dreamed of a second dog or having two spaniels myself when I was older I somehow imagined one being called Ruby. 

She was not without her characteristic mischief in the early days I will never forget the infamous for us moment when her and Humphrey the last of the other puppies to be homed got hold of my Maths homework and tore it up. Quite literally the classic excuse and an early fond memory of Ruby. Sadly her brother Humphrey himself also died after a lymphoma battle a few years ago his owner got back in touch with us. 

From 2011-2015 as Ruby grew up she became the apple of my eye. She absolutely became the dog I always wanted that I had a really close relationship with. Her care and kindness towards me, doing things like running to lick my face if I breathed heavily or especially sneezed a sign of that throughout her life, was so precious. Her partnership with her mother Missy also stands out, they were inseparable and both devoted to us so much. Ruby as a big barker like Missy developed a quirky habit for howling when you were smoothing her or rubbing her belly and stopped and she wanted more and when she wanted to go for a walk which we shall never forget. We became to know it as her “wo wo”ing and we called her waks “wo wo”s.In 2014 signs of her courage and close relationship with Chandler’s Ford Veterinary Surgery who helped us and her so much over the years and are an amazing team who I will be clapping for whilst clapping for other key workers and the NHS tonight for the brilliant job they did today during these circumstances began to show as sadly we had to have her tail docked as she typically of her happy personality had wagged it too much it split open.

I am so tempted for want of a better term to call late 2015 the defining moment of her life as she was diagnosed with lymphoma but in truth it did anything but define her. We enjoyed four and a half fantastic more bonus years with her and we were so lucky to have that. In that time she fought everything with such spirit. At every little twist and turn she just underwent the chemo as I said and came back to us like nothing was happening and carried on skipping, running and wo-woing through life with joy on her face and in her heart. It was unbelievable the way she survived and still stayed so happy really. The vets and us do think it was something of a miracle, at least a major feat that she survived for so long. Even getting bitten by an adder as recently as last month did not stop her she recovered from that so quickly. Although time catches up with everyone in the end and by that point we were aware of the tumour on her lungs getting bigger and bigger and that her days may be numbered. 

Over the whole time we had with Ruby she helped the family so much. I remember my last moment that I felt these feelings when my Nan passed away in 2016 Ruby was my rock. As my Mum came in to my room one day and I felt sad I picked up an unsuspecting Ruby who was happy to see me and plonked her on my lap which I don’t often do and she just sat there and I felt comforted. Missy helped me and us all greatly during that tough time too. Ruby loved my Nan and I remember a spooky moment a year after her passing at Common Marsh on a walk as we went back to the car and Ruby saw an old lady who looked like my Nan from a distance and ran up to her (which she never did to strangers) as if she knew her. 

I am so happy Ruby now can rest, but so pleased we put her through chemo to get the benefits for her and us all of these extra four and a half years. But I will miss so much about her, the way she started to paw me when I was eating as she thought if she gave me her paw she would get fed. (Which she often did.) If my door was shut whilst eating she’d just paw the door and would do rictual patrols of my room looking for food and plates to lick. It should have annoyed me and did a bit to be fair, but I will miss it so much. I wonder if I’ll still put my plate on the floor for her to lick because I knew if I put it away I would only have to grab it for her again to lick. But I know she will always look down on me. She’s reunited with her brother Humphrey and our first ever dog Sally who was so special in her own right. Our job now is to look after Missy her 11 year old mother who we hopefully have a few years left with yet. We did dread these years of Missy having to live without Ruby which it became obvious we would have when Ruby became ill. But we have to just move forward the best we can and you can expect a lot more pictures of Missy on my social media feeds. 

I must end by saying a sincere thank you to everyone across my social media accounts who have sent their best wishes to us all today since I revealed this news. This may have been a day I have had four and a half years to prepare for, but it was always going to me one of my darkest days. I am feeling so loved right now. Thank you so much.

[star-valo]

Better by Markiplier - Day One Hundred and One

God it feels strange to type a number that big.

My dad found me crying last night. I didn’t want to talk. He respected that and said goodnight. I spent the night watching puppy videos on instagram and crying. It made me feel somewhat better, but it also made me want my puppy even more.

I didn’t sleep well. I was in bed until gone 1pm. I just couldn’t get out. No matter what I did, I couldn’t drag myself out of bed. The sun streaming through my window, it was a lovely day outside, and I still couldn’t bring myself to do it.

It was about 3pm when my mum left to visit my nan. Dad was taking the washing down, I was wandering about after mum, chatting, saying goodbye. I’m sure dad had mentioned it to mum. I would’ve been told off for being in bed so long otherwise. They were softer than usual around me today.

When mum has left, I went and gave my dad a hug. He asked how I was, if i wanted to talk about it. We’re not a very talk-y family. We bottle everything up, all four of us do, but even so, I’m normally the most open with how I feel.

It’s difficult, wanting to air your feelings but not knowing the words to say or even the cause of the sadness. If I knew the cause, I could try to change it, seek help to change it, stop the sadness taking over. But I don’t. So I can’t.

I told dad it was just everything getting on top of me, because that’s genuinely how it feels. Like, ontop of depressing job searches, hours sat with only words on a screen as company, an ever decreasing sense of self worth and value in what I do, it does wear you down. Talking last night about my brother and how he sees me as little more than an embaressment, was what triggered the tears. And once the tears started, I just couldn’t stop them.

I then asked dad if he wanted to take the dog for a walk with me. He asked why. I said for company.

We talked whilst I put away my clean washing. How I don’t like being alone. He said I spend so much time on my own, how can I not like being alone? I replied, Because I’m not alone. There’s someone there, not physically, but there’s always someone on the end of a computer, talking to me.

I didn’t mention my fears of being left behind and abandoned by people. Atleast if I’m not completely alone in what I do, I can’t be left behind. If someone’s there, I can’t be forgotten about, right?

He did walk the dog with me. It was nice, some fresh air, stretching my legs, just being out of the house, chatting. Immy ran through so much mud, her paws looked like they belonged to a chocolate cockapoo, not the apricot-cream thing she is. We played Pokemon Go as we walked, One thing me and dad sort of bond over. Having grown up on Pokemon, he knows about it, he joined in with the family when it was released, and me and him are the only ones left playing anymore. He asks me about new pokemon, which ones evolve, which ones don’t, because I know. He doesn’t.

We got home, and he actually took Immy out to his garden office so her feet wouldn’t trek mud through the house. I’ve only even known him to take her out to the office with him if he’s home alone to stop her from crying the house down.

I’ve been downstairs since dinner. Something feels strange and I don’t know what. It’s unsettling, and I can’t quite place it. It feels like something’s going on. Something that I’m on the outskirts of, but it’s still there, you know? like something’s going on and I’m just outside the group of people that need to know. People are acting strange, mannerisms have changed, not much, just enough to unsettle…

I started packing today. I’ll finish up tomorrow. I’m taking Immy to the groomers in the morning.